Self Discipline: 5 Books in 1: Master Your Mental Toughness, Emotional Control, Self-Talk and Productivity 1416553657

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SELF DISCIPLINE 5 Books in 1 Boxset

Master Your Mental Toughness, Emotional Control, Self-Talk and Productivity

Positive Psychology Coaching Series Copyright © 2020 by Ian Tuhovsky Author’s blog: www.mindfulnessforsuccess.com Author’s Amazon profile: amazon.com/author/iantuhovsky Instagram profile: https://instagram.com/mindfulnessforsuccess

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without the prior written permission of the author and the publishers. The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the Internet, or via any other means, without the permission of the author is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Important The book is not intended to provide medical advice or to take the place of medical advice and treatment from your personal physician. Readers are advised to consult their own doctors or other qualified health professionals regarding the treatment of medical conditions. The author shall not be held liable or responsible for any misunderstanding or misuse of the information contained in this book. The information is not indeed to diagnose, treat or cure any disease. It’s important to remember that the author of this book is not a doctor/therapist/medical professional. Only opinions based upon his own personal experiences or research are cited. The author does not offer medical advice or prescribe any treatments. For any health or medical issues – you should be talking to your doctor first.

Contents Part I

SELF-DISCIPLINE: MENTAL TOUGHNESS MINDSET: Introduction CHAPTER 1:

Success Is A Process, Not A Moment Of Glory CHAPTER 2:

The Truth About Motivation CHAPTER 3:

You Always Have A Choice CHAPTER 4:

Your Life’s True Purpose CHAPTER 5:

What You Really Want – & How To Get It CHAPTER 6:

The Surprising Truth About Happiness CHAPTER 7:

The Power Of Positive Thinking CHAPTER 8:

Why Failure Is The Key To Success CHAPTER 9:

How Zen Philosophy Can Help You Achieve Your Goals

CHAPTER 10:

Mastering Self-Discipline The Shaolin Way PART II CHAPTER 11:

Meditation For Focus & Self-Discipline CHAPTER 12:

Why You Should Say Goodbye To “Try” CHAPTER 13:

The Only Rules of Training You’ll Ever Need CHAPTER 14:

Falling In Love With The Process CHAPTER 15:

Delaying Gratification & Overcoming Temptation CHAPTER 16:

Why Negative Emotions Can Fuel Your Success CHAPTER 17:

Sturgeon’s Law & The Pareto Principle CHAPTER 18:

Morita Therapy CHAPTER 19:

Avoiding Burnout CHAPTER 20:

Why You Resist Change – The Status Quo Bias CHAPTER 21:

The Dunning-Kruger Effect

THE POWER OF MENTAL DISCIPLINE CHAPTER 1:

The Power of Mental Discipline CHAPTER 2:

Self Belief CHAPTER 3:

Self-Belief and Weakness CHAPTER 4:

Mental Toughness CHAPTER 5:

Willpower CHAPTER 6:

Mastermind Planning CHAPTER 7:

Intelligence Versus Emotion CHAPTER 8:

Controlling the Mind CHAPTER 9:

Emotions, Fear, and Setbacks CHAPTER 10:

Overcoming Fears and Setbacks Part 2 CHAPTER 11:

How to Maximize Your Willpower

CHAPTER 12:

Creating a Positive Self CHAPTER 13:

Hacking Your Way to Better Discipline CHAPTER 14:

Applying Your Discipline CHAPTER 15:

Boosting Your Efforts CHAPTER 16:

Defending Your Discipline Outro

MENTAL TOUGHNESS TRAINING Introduction CHAPTER 1:

What Is Emotional Intelligence? CHAPTER 2:

Observing Emotions CHAPTER 3:

Emotional States and Energy CHAPTER 4:

Reacting to Emotional Situations CHAPTER 5:

Positively Channeling Your Emotions CHAPTER 6:

Building Mental and Emotional Strength CHAPTER 7:

The Impact of Our Surroundings and Environment CHAPTER 8:

Complementary Skills: Social Support and Self-Reliance CHAPTER 9:

Further Impact of Understanding Emotions Conclusion

THE SCIENCE OF SELF TALK: Introduction CHAPTER 1:

What Is Self-Talk? CHAPTER 2:

Constructive Self-Talk, Dysfunctional Self-Talk CHAPTER 3:

Impact of Negative Self-Talk CHAPTER 4:

Positive Self-Talk CHAPTER 5:

Pareto: The 80/20 Rule CHAPTER 6:

Creating the Right Circumstances for Motivation CHAPTER 7:

The Self

CHAPTER 8:

Loving Yourself CHAPTER 9:

Getting to Know Yourself CHAPTER 10:

Who’s Talking? CHAPTER 11:

What’s in a Pronoun? CHAPTER 12:

Turning Down the Volume Addendum: Specific Applications

PRODUCTIVITY AND PEAK PERFORMANCE Secrets to Extraordinary Focus, Efficiency, and Time Management from the World’s Top Performers Introduction Section 1: How to Be the Best Version of Yourself CHAPTER 1:

Navy Seals, Elon Musk, and What You Can Learn From Them CHAPTER 2:

The Importance of Understanding Yourself CHAPTER 3:

Self-Concept

CHAPTER 4:

Congruence and Incongruence CHAPTER 5:

How to Get in Touch With the Inner You CHAPTER 6:

Building Your Future Section 2: The Preparation CHAPTER 7:

How to Prepare for Success CHAPTER 8:

The Science of Sleep and Eating Healthy CHAPTER 9:

Reorienting Your Life and Priorities CHAPTER 10:

How to Declutter Your Life and Mind CHAPTER 11:

Focus and the Myth of Multitasking Section 3: The Execution CHAPTER 12:

Habits CHAPTER 13:

Deliberate Practice CHAPTER 14:

Continuous Improvement Section 4: The Destination CHAPTER 15:

Flow and Peak Performance Conclusion About The Author

PART I Self-Discipline: Mental Toughness Mindset: Increase Your Grit and Focus to Become a Highly Productive (and Peaceful!) Person

Introduction

S

ome people just seem to have it all. They’re the ones with the great jobs, the perfect bodies, and gorgeous spouses. They even have the energy to get up in the morning and go to the gym! Their

self-belief is unshakeable. When they want to get something done, they damn well go and do it. To most of us, they appear god-like. OK, so I exaggerated slightly. No-one has a completely perfect life. On the other hand, some of us get pretty close. What separates these lucky folks from the majority? What is it about them that draws in success after success, opportunity after opportunity? You’ll have noticed that these amazing people also have the remarkable ability to remain optimistic and stoic even when everything around them begins to unravel. Going further, have you ever wondered how those working and living in extreme conditions manage to keep on going without giving up? Some of them even seem to enjoy the challenge! You’ve probably heard about Special Ops squads who spend weeks on nearimpossible missions, or explorers who trek through bitterly cold climates for months on end. Other exceptional individuals lead lives of another sort of intense focus and concentration. The average day in the life of a Buddhist monk in the Zen tradition, for example, consists primarily of prayer and meditation. They forsake the temptations of the material world and focus on spiritual development at the highest level. They are the religious equivalents of Olympic gymnasts and the most successful

CEOs. How do they stay so motivated? What drives them? The answer to all these questions boils down to a single word – selfdiscipline. You see, it isn’t really about luck at all. Sure, some people are born with the genes that make them better-looking or happier than the average individual. But what really elevates a regular Joe or Jane to superhero status is laser-sharp focus, perseverance, and the ability to keep on going when everyone else would have quit. In this book, you are going to learn their secrets. If you’ve ever wondered why you never quite live up to your potential, then this is the guide you’ve been waiting for. If you are sitting on a pile of hopes and dreams that never go anywhere, get ready to change your life! You are about to learn the secret that underpins every top athlete, CEO, and performer. You are going to discover exactly how some of the world’s toughest individuals, including Navy SEALs, routinely stare danger in the face and come out on top. Some of what you read may shock you. For instance, did you know that motivation is actually a very poor foundation on which to rely if you want to achieve true greatness? It’s true! Even those who can honestly say they love their jobs or have found their true purpose in life don’t always wake up in the morning raring to go. It isn’t the most motivated who win in this life, it’s the most self-disciplined. For reasons you will discover later in the book, motivation is best thought of as a nice side dish rather than the main entrée when it comes to self-discipline. Neither is it necessary to be happy in order to be successful. In fact, you may be surprised to learn what happiness really means, and

why most of us go looking for it in all the wrong places. If you think that you will become happy through achieving everything you want with minimal effort, you are going to severely limit what you get in life. It’s time to break away from everything you thought you knew about contentment, fulfilment and motivation. Once you understand what really drives us as human beings – here’s a hint, it’s not actually money – and fulfils our deepest needs, you can hack your mindset and attain military-level self-discipline. Why does this topic matter so much to me? I didn’t appreciate the importance of self-discipline until my early thirties. I’d worked for several well-known corporations, excelling at most of my roles in their HR departments. Yet something was always missing. I felt like I was losing control over my own career. After all, however senior my position, ultimately my job role and paycheck were always determined by someone else. My typical pattern would go like this: I’d apply for an exciting new job, spend the first year or so getting to know the company culture, but then feel a creeping sense of claustrophobia at about the 18-month mark. I’d start to get a little itchy. I’d daydream about quitting my corporate career and becoming self-employed. What would it be like to work for myself? Yet whenever I tried to imagine actually setting up my own business and taking complete responsibility for my life, I hit a wall. As much as I wanted to make a new start, I couldn’t quite make the leap. How would I motivate myself to continually seek out new clients? Who would hold me accountable for my schedule? It all seemed so daunting. As you can imagine, I felt pretty anxious. I was at a crossroads.

What finally changed everything for me? A single conversation. One morning I was sitting in the coffee room with a much older colleague. I’ll call him “Mark.” Mark had been in his role for nearly ten years, and it was no secret that he hated his job. We were making idle chitchat about the vacations we’d most like to take that year, and I confessed that for some time I’d wanted to set up my own business and travel the world, moving from country to country whilst working as a consultant. He laughed. “Yeah right,” he said. “No-one ever does that.” As he walked back to his desk, a wave of nausea washed over me. So this is what defeat feels like, I thought. He’s right. I couldn’t do that. It’s a dream. I don’t have it in me – or do I? At that point, I had a choice to make. I could either have stayed where I was, talking about the same problems and unfulfilled ambitions year after year, or I could make a radical change. I had a few self-help books lying around, some of them unopened gifts. There and then I decided to dive into the world of positive psychology and self-development and learn how to achieve whatever I wanted. As it turned out, I was asking the wrong questions all along! I had been held back by the belief that I had to feel completely sure of myself

and

permanently

motivated

before

I

could

become

successful. I was also under the impression that once I was “a success,” my life would magically sort itself out and I’d be happy. I had so much to learn. Countless hours of reading, reflection, and experimentation later, I not only run my own HR consultancy business but have also set

down all my favorite findings and top tips for self-discipline in this book. I don’t want anyone else to be held back by a lack of selfbelief. If you really want to grow your self-discipline and transform your life, you can. I now lead a life greater than any I could have imagined a decade ago and yes, I consider myself highly selfdisciplined. I’m by no means perfect – I’ll share a few of my own mistakes as we go through this book – but the younger me would be pleasantly surprised at how far I’ve come. If I can do it, so can you. This book is presented in two parts. The first part will tell you everything you need to know to shift your mindset from self-doubt and ambivalence to pure self-discipline. You’ll learn what psychology, philosophy, and even the military can tell us about motivation and what drives us to change. The second part goes further and focuses on practical strategies you can start using today to supercharge every area of your life. You’ll discover how routines, goal-setting and a little-known approach called Morita Therapy will allow you to push yourself harder than ever before. Self-discipline isn’t taught as skill in schools. Once you’ve read this book you may feel tempted to launch a campaign to make it a mandatory part of the curriculum, but we aren’t quite there yet. This means it’s on us as adults to learn how to take back our willpower and give ourselves the edge. Fortunately, we live in an age of information and can easily research any number of psychological theories and techniques that will help us excel. Self-development has become something of an addiction for me over the past few years, and once you’ve read this book you’ll understand why! So

many people, from psychologists to monks, have much to teach us about self-discipline. It is an honor to pass this priceless information onto you. Ian Tuhovsky

Chapter 1: Success Is A Process, Not A Moment Of Glory

I

f you are serious in your pursuit of success, you need to have a realistic grasp of what it really entails. For most people, the term “success” conjures up an image of a winner celebrating their hard-earned achievement. You may think of the athlete collecting a medal before standing on the podium, the CEO selling their company in a billion-dollar transaction, or a dieter finally hitting their goal weight. What do all these imagined scenarios have in common? They are all based on the assumption that to be a success is to work towards a single goal that can be objectively judged by outsiders. Maybe it isn’t surprising that we think this way, given how our school system operates. Everything is boiled down to grades and numbers, with focus placed more on a single letter or score than the means by which we actually get there. In fact, success is not a single achievement, or even a series of achievements. It is an ongoing process. Successful people know that victory is a state of mind and actively cultivate it on a daily basis. Have you ever heard the saying, “It takes a long time to become an

overnight success?” It’s a cliché because it’s absolutely true. No-one wakes up one morning having miraculously attained all they desired with no effort. This just isn’t how the real world works. If you are guilty of magical or wishful thinking, you need to drop the habit fast if you are to master self-discipline and achieve anything of note. You are not exempt from the rules of the universe. If you want something, you are going to have to learn patience and find enjoyment in hard (and smart!) work. Don’t forget too that goals, once met, often require maintenance. If your definition of “success” only describes the moment you hit a goal, you’ll neglect to keep up your results. The classic example is that of someone trying to lose weight. Most of us will relate to this scenario. How many times have you tried to lose a few pounds, only to start regaining the weight at twice the speed you lost it? I for one have been through a similar cycle several times, except that in my case I was trying to increase my muscle mass. I would make promising gains but then after a couple of months lose them. This was a frustrating process. Immense self-discipline is needed to keep up the healthy eating and exercise that bought you the weight loss in the first place. The fact that most dieters regain the weight they have lost is testament to this fact. If you approach the task of weight loss with only the final number in mind, you are setting yourself up for long-term failure. The Japanese have long since recognized the importance of framing success as a process and not an event. The philosophy of Kaizen, which translates as “improvement” or “good change” in English, refers to the practice of building on success via continuous small changes. Kaizen is mainly used in business settings, but it is also a

useful tool for anyone interested in self-development. According to the Kaizen Institute UK, the key principles of this philosophy are that “good processes bring good results” and success is likely when you “take action to contain and correct root causes of problems.”1 Kaizen therefore also asks us to take a good long look at how we are trying to achieve our goals in the first place. Most people decide that they want to manifest a particular outcome, yet give relatively little thought as to how they are going to go about making it happen or how they might make adjustments along the way. For example, you might decide to set a goal of “losing twenty pounds using a high-fat, low-carb diet over a three-month period.” But what happens if you have lost very little weight four weeks into your diet, and aren’t enjoying most of the foods you are eating? At this point, most dieters would quit, maybe wait a while and then try to motivate themselves to try again. However, if they decided to apply the Kaizen philosophy, their next step would be to look at what had been working well and what could be adjusted to improve their chances of losing weight. For example, their exercise regimen might be helping them feel healthier and more energetic and yet not result in significant weight change. Applying the principles of Kaizen, they could make small alterations that nevertheless make a big impact on the final outcome. For example, they may choose to persist with the same type of exercise but work out more often and for shorter periods of time. Adopting a Kaizen approach also prevents you from falling into the trap of “when…then” thinking. When you view success as an event, you run the risk of forgetting that in order to reap the rewards, you

have to first lay down the foundations. Have you ever heard someone else say something like, “When I get a great job, I’ll be happy” on a regular basis yet never actually take steps to change their situation? This is “when…then” thinking at its finest. Kaizen challenges us to see success as a cycle of achievement, improvement, further achievement, further improvement, and so on. It assumes that we have never completely fulfilled our potential. There is no end point. Things could always be better, and we need to be proactive in identifying the route that will get us there in an efficient manner. In my case, I wanted to set up my own business. The trouble was, I was too busy thinking about the day everything would finally fall into place and daydreaming about being able to hand in my notice. Often I would totally forget that I’d need to take numerous small steps along the way! Whenever I reminded myself that I’d need to sit down at some point and come up with a business plan, a budget, and a marketing strategy my brain would shut down. I told myself that I’d get round to it “someday,” and then I’d be ready to enter the next phase of my life. For years, that day never came. If I hadn’t bothered to learn more about self-discipline, I’d probably still be stuck in an office making a decent living but not really enjoying my life. When I finally did sit down and sketch out a business plan, it quickly became apparent that I would need to undertake further research. I spent a few weeks looking into my target market, reviewing the online platforms I could potentially use to reach out to new clients, and flipping through my contacts list to find people who could help launch my business via personal recommendations and word-ofmouth marketing. At that point, I had recently become familiar with

the Kaizen philosophy and was willing to rework my plans several times as new information became available. Although it sounds like a lot of work – and it was! – it was also liberating. I no longer expected to get everything right the first time around, and so my anxiety about setting out on my own lessened. Taking the first step and expecting it to yield less than perfect results also helps you avoid the most sinister aspect of “when…then” thinking. When you become too fixated on a particular outcome which may or may not manifest in the future (and if you are sitting around waiting for a flash of motivation, it’s not going to manifest anytime soon), you miss out on the chance to enjoy life in the present. As practitioners of Zen will tell you, all we actually have is this present moment. The past has gone, with no hope of return. There is literally no way of changing what has already happened. The future has yet to arrive, and even if we can predict it with any degree of certainty, there is always the chance that we might be blindsided by unforeseen events. Whilst we can enjoy memories of the past and hope for the future, our lives can only be lived in the present. This means that by daydreaming and half-heartedly planning what you want to happen instead of actively making your ambitions your reality, you are wasting precious time. When you appreciate just how much time it takes to attain and maintain any significant level of success, you won’t be so willing to tolerate this mindset in either yourself or others. No-one knows how much time they have left on this planet, and frittering it away is incredibly wasteful. So how can you actually start putting your most cherished plans into

practice? You’d be forgiven for thinking that motivation is the key to sustaining the energy required to work towards success over a long period of time. However, as you are about to discover in the next chapter, motivation isn’t as magical as you might believe. 1 Kaizen Institute UK. (2017). What is Kaizen? [uk.kaizen.com]

Chapter 2: The Truth About Motivation

H

ow many times have you heard someone say, “I just can’t get motivated today,” or “I’d love to do X, Y and Z, if only I had the motivation”? Maybe you’ve caught yourself saying something similar. Most of us have been raised to believe that if we just feel motivated to do something, it’ll get done. We live by the belief that if we sit around and wait long enough to feel some motivation or “drum up some willpower,” everything will suddenly become so much easier. This is a great idea in theory. Motivation has probably worked for you at least occasionally. For example, you may have been motivated to spend hours searching for just the right gift for everyone on your Christmas list, because you want your friends and family to be happy. In this case, motivation would push you through those hours at the mall or tedious evenings comparing prices on various websites. However, when it comes to the big stuff – losing weight, starting a business, writing a novel, and so on – motivation just isn’t enough. Yes, you might feel a big rush of excitement at the beginning of your project, but over time your level of motivation will inevitably wax and wane. This is because once the reality of the situation kicks in, you

start to realize that reaching your goal will entail some hard work. Your motivation will drop, and at this point you need to draw on other resources to power yourself through. This is why self-discipline and building positive habits are so important. Stanford University psychologist Dr Kelly McGonigal is an expert in the science of willpower and self-discipline. In a 2014 interview for the TED Blog, she explains that when we are faced with a difficult task, two parts of our personality come into conflict.2 One part of us is able to see into the future, and understands that pushing our own limits and being willing to tolerate some deprivation or psychological hardship will be well worth it in the end. However, there is also another part of us that seeks instant gratification, wants quick results, and is frustrated when we can’t meet a goal with minimal effort. It is only when we can tap into that first part that we’ll be able to overcome setbacks and achieve our goals. I described this issue in more detail, along with the explanation on how to resolve internal conflicts between two opposing parts of our mind in my other book, “Emotional Intelligence Training.” I found this very problem was one of my biggest blocks to leaving my 9-5 and establishing a new lifestyle as a self-employed consultant. Even though I had many good reasons for making the leap, the thought of sitting down and tackling the more mundane parts of my business life such as drawing up a marketing plan would make me groan. I’ll never be able to motivate myself to do that! I’d think. Fortunately, once I read up on how motivation really works I knew I’d never have to actually feel happy about the dull stuff. I just had to make sure that it got done, and not beat myself up when I felt less

than elated at the thought of handling stacks of paperwork. Dr McGonigal notes that most people believe that they are lazy unless they feel consistently motivated, but in fact the struggle between our conflicting desires is simply part of what makes us human. Expect to feel apathetic sometimes, but don’t use it as an excuse not to make progress. To learn more about why motivation isn’t sufficient when you need to get serious results, let’s take a few lessons from people you might think need huge amounts of motivation – the special forces. Take the Navy SEALs, for example. These elite military officers must be ready and willing to undertake special operations under the sea, in the air or on land at any time. The Navy and the CIA work together to select only the best servicemen for these specialized operations, which are often extremely dangerous. Even to become a SEAL is an arduous task in itself, with only 20% of trainees even completing the first phase of their training.3 How many people are going to feel truly motivated to get up and undertake grueling tasks in hostile environments every day? Not many. One of their mottos is “The only easy day was yesterday.” They never pretend that their job is easy, and they expect to face hardship on a regular basis. Yet the SEALs get things done – after all, they were the forces responsible for taking down Osama Bin Laden. Yes, motivation in the traditional sense of simply wanting to get up and do something for the sake of it is one of the factors behind a SEAL’s success. To be a SEAL is to command considerable respect from other military personnel, and affords an individual the

opportunity to serve their country in a very direct and tangible way. Therefore, a SEAL’s belief in these ideals will help them keep going in even the toughest of conditions. They are tapping into a part of themselves that can see the big picture, and remind themselves of why they have chosen to devote their careers to surviving various ordeals. However, there is a second piece of the puzzle – momentum. In a talk given at the University of Texas 2014, Naval Admiral William H. McRaven passed on a valuable lesson he picked up during his time as a trainee SEAL. His instructors would insist on inspecting each trainee’s bed to make sure it was made with military precision. The covers had to be squared neatly, the pillow positioned correctly, and the spare blanket placed perfectly in the barrack storage rack. According to McRaven, the instructors were employing an effective piece of psychology. They believed that the act of making the bed was enough to trigger a sense of momentum in each trainee, and that this energy would carry them forward as they carried out their other tasks. The trainees didn’t have to look deep within themselves to find enough motivation to last them throughout the day – they just had to commit to making their bed first thing in the morning, and the rest would follow. You might have found that just getting the ball rolling is enough to power you through unpleasant tasks. It definitely works in my case. For example, when I get too caught up in my work, I sometimes put off doing my share of the chores. There is no way that I would ever willingly spend several hours doing the laundry, washing the floors, sorting out the fridge and all the other mundane tasks that need to

be done if you want to avoid living in your own filth. My motivation when faced with a list of chores is pretty damn low. However, if I just make a commitment to placing a few dishes in the dishwasher, it then seems like a small step to turn the dishwasher on. Those few dishes are my equivalent of a SEAL trainee making their bed. Whilst I’m near the kitchen worktop, I may as well reach over and wipe a surface…and so on. Within ten minutes I’ve usually worked up enough momentum to complete all the chores within an afternoon. If you have always believed that you need to feel sufficiently motivated before attempting a task, then you might resist the idea that you can achieve almost anything you want without even particularly wanting to do it. However, the conviction that motivation comes before action is limiting, because pure and spontaneous motivation is rare. If you are still skeptical, experiment with the momentum idea above. Just get started, and you will soon come to appreciate that action encourages action, which may give rise to motivation as a happy side-effect. In summary, motivation can be a real asset. It’s particularly powerful if you are committed to a cause or a set of ideals. Just consider how many people have decided to dedicate their lives to charity work or enter a religious order! I’m certainly not saying that motivation should be dismissed altogether. However, it’s best seen as a bonus that sometimes makes self-discipline a little easier. The smartest strategy is to anticipate that the part of your brain obsessed with instant gratification will put up a real fight when you commit to a long-term task. Luckily, with the right mindset and the tools you will learn in the

second half of this book, it can be tamed. 2 May, K.T. (2014). Kelly McGonigal on why it’s so dang hard to stick to a resolution. blog.ted.com 3 NavySEALs.com. (2017). BUD/S Prep: First Phase. Navyseals.com

Chapter 3: You Always Have A Choice

A

s human beings, there is plenty we cannot control. We can’t choose our parents. We can’t pick and choose our ideal genetic makeup. We can’t make others treat us exactly how we would like. At the same time, you have more power than you realize to make choices that will make your life significantly easier. In this chapter, I’m going to tell you why life is best thought of as a never-ending series of choices. When you start thinking of life in terms of options and consequences, the decision-making process will suddenly seem much easier. When you are confronted by a problem, you have a decision to make. It comes down to this: What are you going to do about it? There is absolutely no get-out clause here. You can’t choose not to take part in life. Even if you throw your hands up in the air and say “I’ll just let this problem take care of itself!” you are still making a choice. Specifically, you are choosing to let other people or any number of unpredictable variables make the decision for you. I admit that I’ve taken the let’s-just-see-how-it-works-out option a few times. Once I had to share an office with one of my HR assistants. I was assured that the situation would be only temporary whilst the office manager reorganized the department workspace. A week

passed, and no-one could tell me when my new officemate was scheduled for departure. I had nothing against the woman, but she had an insatiable appetite for a) celebrity gossip and b) those strange fruity herbal teas you can buy in health food stores. By the end of the second week, the room smelled of hibiscus and I knew more about the Kardashians than I did about the company development plan. I hadn’t been in the job long, so I was reluctant to make myself any enemies. I decided that I’d ask to work from home when possible, and use the opportunity to hone my ability to concentrate even with distractions around me. As it turned out, she chose to leave the company just two weeks later. The best part was that because she was also new and still working her probationary period, she left straightaway. Obviously in this case everything worked out for the best, but in general I wouldn’t recommend taking such a passive approach. For the sake of your own sanity and autonomy, it’s better to think in terms of which choice you are going to pursue. In order to reach a goal, you have to actively choose one uncomfortable outcome over another. For example, suppose you have always wanted to write a novel. You have a decision to make – are you going to choose the pain associated with actively pursuing this ambition, or are you going to suffer the pain of regret that comes with letting your creative dreams slide? You can choose to forego some of your leisure time every week so that you can make steady progress on your novel. This will cause you suffering in the sense that you will have to cut down the time you

spend on pleasurable activities. You may also have to justify your choice to nosy family and friends who will keep asking you how the book is coming along. (As an amateur novelist myself, I can testify that this will indeed happen.) However, you stand a far better chance of actually reaching your goal if you make a start and then stick with your writing schedule. It won’t always be fun and there will be times when your motivation will fly out the window, but as you now know, you don’t need motivation to get results. Your other option is not to write your novel, and continue with your usual routine. This will ensure that you don’t experience any of the discomforts above, and that you are protected from the risk of failure. On the other hand, you will still find yourself regretting the fact that you’ve never managed to sit down and crank out that story whirring around in your head. The first time you think about life in this way, it can feel rather depressing. Yet realizing that your life is made up of a series of choices between various kinds of problems is empowering. It’ll give you back a feeling of control and higher purpose to know that your choices are based on the inevitable consequences of your actions. This is what being a responsible adult is really about – appreciating that there are seldom any easy answers, and being disciplined enough to choose the path that will take you where you need to go regardless of the sacrifices demanded of you to get there. We all know people who believe that their actions are fruitless, that the world is out to get them, and that their efforts are doomed to failure. These people tend to become depressed and anxious. When you think that everything that happens to you is determined by

powers beyond your control, there doesn’t seem to be much point even in living. To use a term from psychology, it’s all about your locus of control. Psychologist Julian Rotter devised this theory in the 1950s and 1960s4 to explain why some people blamed or credited themselves for everything in their lives whereas others always looked for someone or something else for “the reason why.” A “locus” is a place where something happens. Your locus of control refers to your perception of what controls the events that unfold in your life, and subsequently influences how you react. If you have an external locus of control, you see life as something that happens to you. Even if something wonderful happens, you will ascribe it to external forces beyond your sphere of influence. For example, someone with an external locus of control who does well on an exam will put their success down to easy exam questions or a generous marker rather than their own ability or time spent in preparation. On the other hand, if you have an internal locus of control, you will assume that you have always played an active role in bringing about any and all outcomes. For example, you are likely to attribute exam success to your own intelligence and the hours you spent learning the material. When you work from an internal locus of control, self-discipline will become much easier. You believe that you not only have the power to make the right choices, but when they pay off you’ll be rightly deserving of all the credit. Making a plan of action and then carrying it out will seem like a great use of your time because it’s bound to give you the results you want. An internal locus of control without

self-discipline will only lead to disaster, because you’ll believe that you are responsible for your life yet lack the ability to actually implement any constructive plans. This isn’t a good place to be as it promotes self-blame. There is no reason why those with an external locus of control cannot lead perfectly decent lives. It’s far too simplistic to say that an internal locus is better for everyone in all situations. You probably know someone who is happy to just “go with the flow” and is content to accept whatever happens. However, given that you’ve picked up this book, I’m willing to bet you aren’t one of them! You’ll be more successful and feel more fulfilled only when you couple an internal locus of control with good self-discipline. So why is it that some of us are “internals” and others “externals”? It comes down to your experiences in early life. If you learned early on that you will be rewarded when you try to do the right thing, you are more likely to carry that lesson into adulthood. For example, if your parents and teachers rewarded you consistently when you succeeded in tidying your room or getting good grades, the young version of you will have worked out that success or failure is down to your own efforts. When you later had to choose a course of study or make your way in the world of work, you will naturally tend to put in plenty of effort to do the best you can. If you don’t already operate from an internal locus of control, it’s up to you to change the way you think. You have a choice to make! Even if the adults in your childhood didn’t teach you to make the link between your intentions and outcomes, there’s no reason why you can’t approach things differently now. In recent years we’ve learned

that the human brain is more plastic than scientists previously imagined. Make it a habit to assume that whatever your current situation, it’s up to you to weigh up the pros and cons of each possible choice and base your final decision on the consequences of each. This applies to every situation in life, from getting ahead at work to finding the right romantic relationship. 4 Rotter, J. (1966). Generalized expectancies for internal versus external control of reinforcement. Psychological Monographs, 80, (1), 1-28.

Chapter 4: Your Life’s True Purpose

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magine someone stopped you in the street and asked, “What’s the whole point of your life, anyway?”

Once you’d gotten over the initial shock that someone would ask such an outrageous question, what would you say? If you are like most people, you might cobble together an answer that includes something about “being happy” or “leaving something behind for the next generation.” If you are of a more cynical or scientific persuasion, you might say that there is absolutely no point of your existence and human life is just a natural by-product of evolution. In this chapter, I’m going to explain how successful people give real meaning to their lives and find a never-ending sense of purpose in every single day. Note that this doesn’t mean conjuring up a magical reserve of infinite motivation – you already know that this isn’t the path to self-discipline or contentment. This is more about the bigger picture. The ultimate question. Just what is the point? The world can be a cruel place. In this age of non-stop news, it’s hard to escape the fact that innocent people suffer every day. Inequalities of all kinds still persist. Everyone gets ill, and eventually everyone dies. It can be tempting to just roll over and give up! Unless you have a strong faith in a particular religion or set of

spiritual teachings, you’ve probably spent some time pondering why you exist and how you should make the most of your life. Most of us hit a phase during our teenage years in which we begin looking at the world around us with a new cynicism. The innocence of childhood wears off as we develop the intellectual ability to poke holes in the rules and norms of society. Some of us find a higher purpose or cause to believe in. Others settle on a job or vocation that provides them with a sense of purpose. Unfortunately, most of us learn to ignore that part of us that seeks to find the reason why anyone should bother getting up in the morning. We fall into the routine of adulthood instead, focusing on just making it through another day. This works for a while, but there comes a time – usually in your thirties or forties – when that old question of meaning catches up with you again. This is exactly what happened to me. I had a reasonably typical middle-class upbringing. There was no big trauma or abuse in my childhood. Nothing happened that made me think the world was an especially bleak or hopeless place. Then I turned 14, my parents divorced, and nothing seemed to make sense. Like plenty of other young people, I became depressed and even self-harmed on a few occasions. There didn’t seem to be any point in carrying on. I looked at my parents with their boring jobs and failed relationships and thought adulthood didn’t look too appealing. Fortunately for me, I’d always been a good student and thanks to a couple of truly inspiring teachers I managed to leave school with decent grades. College life soon offered me lots of distractions from my existential angst. After all, it’s hard to be too depressed when

you’re out partying every night of the week and chasing after girls. Once I graduated, I then had to pour all my efforts into searching for my first grown-up job. It wasn’t until my late twenties that I started to give serious thought to why I was still alive. This ultimately triggered my interest in self-development and positive psychology. I wanted to know why some people seemed to find meaning even when things went wrong. I discovered that there are two key ways in which you can give your life an endless sense of purpose, and they work together to set up a positive cycle. Both require you to take responsibility for your own life, i.e. to develop an internal locus of control. Once you are willing to step up and acknowledge that everything within your sphere of influence is your responsibility, you have laid the foundations for serious selfdiscipline. The first path to finding purpose is by identifying and overcoming your internal weaknesses. Note that this does not mean that you have to beat yourself up or compare yourself to other people. Self-pity is not only unattractive, but it won’t help you develop self-discipline. If you believe that you are a fundamentally flawed individual without hope of redemption, you aren’t going to believe that the future holds any hope for you. You won’t be willing to put in the work required to address those areas in which you could stand to improve. Instead, you first need to accept that you are human. Like all humans, you have a unique set of positive and negative traits. You have strengths, and you also have weaknesses. There are no exceptions to the rule. Even those at the very top of their fields are imperfect. Your uniqueness means that there is no point in comparing

yourself to others. If you are competitive by nature this might be hard to accept, but doing so will change your life. Everyone is dealt a different set of genetics and life circumstances. Our purpose in life isn’t to outdo everyone else. It’s to gain self-mastery, which is the most satisfying and enduring form of personal power. We not only need to tolerate our weaknesses, but actively embrace them! This might sound a bit crazy, but think about it. If we were all born perfect, life would be much less interesting. We’d never know the satisfaction that comes with self-improvement. We wouldn’t get to experience the pleasure of being able to look back in time, compare our current selves to our past selves, and take healthy pride in how far we’ve come. You cannot change how other people behave – at least, not on any meaningful level. If you are in a position of authority, you can force them into acting a certain way. To invest your precious time and energy into trying to shape other people is a complete waste. Instead, focus on yourself. This way, you’ll find true fulfilment and feel significantly more powerful. The best news of all? You will always inhabit your own body, so your progress will be cumulative. When you make the mistake of trying to control others, all your efforts are rendered null and void the moment they move away, die, or simply choose to stop listening to you. Always make yourself your number one project. If you like the idea of influencing those around you, the most effective way to go about it is still to fix yourself first. Why? Because people respect those who are willing to put in the work and suffer the pain required to better themselves. Sure, people will have to listen to

you if you’re “the boss” and they want to keep their jobs, or they happen to be your children and want to avoid being grounded at the weekend. But you will only have a lasting influence when you demonstrate your willingness to recognize and tackle your own weaknesses first. If you know that you are prone to depressive thinking or melancholy, get some therapy. If you tend to be disorganized, learn how to manage your time. For every internal weakness there is a solution – you just need the discipline to find and implement it. The second sure-fire way to give your life meaning is by setting out to defeat external limitations. Take a moment to think about one of your idols. Chances are that they had to overcome numerous limitations in order to get where they are today. For example, take Oprah Winfrey. She’s one of the richest and most influential women in the world. Millions have watched her show and cite her as an individual who has inspired them to live a different kind of life. Yet Oprah has faced numerous limitations. She spent her early childhood years in poverty, and was sexually abused on numerous occasions as a child and young adult. She gave birth to a baby at the age of fourteen. Tragically, her son died. Yet Oprah went on to become an outstanding high school student, gained a full scholarship to college, and then rapidly ascended the media ladder. Oprah’s attitude to adversity has been key in propelling her to stardom. She firmly believes that any goal is attainable as long as you are willing to put in the work required, and that taking responsibility for your own success is vital.5 When you come up against an obstacle, don’t take it personally. The world isn’t out to get you – it’s just a fact of life that everyone has to

overcome challenges on their way to meeting their biggest goals. Every external limitation is an opportunity for you to flex your self-discipline and stay true to your vision. It’s a chance to sharpen your problemsolving skills, take stock of the options in front of you and choose the best path based on the knowledge and skills you have available to you at the time. Remember, making choices is unavoidable. If this all sounds like a lot of hard work, that’s a great sign! It means that you appreciate that life is not easy and it never will be. Gaining true control over yourself and your destiny requires consistent selfdiscipline, but will also fill you with a strong and lasting sense of purpose. 5 Economy, P. (2015). 19 Empowering Quotes From Oprah Winfrey. Inc.com

Chapter 5: What You Really Want – & How To Get It

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f you had to guess what it is that most people really want from life, what would you say? Lots of money, great health, immortality, good looks? If you believe the media, we are all continually striving for bigger bank balances, thinner bodies, and public adoration. I’m going to propose another idea. What if we assume that all everyone really wants is more control over their lives? After all, you can have all the money and material possessions anyone could dream of, but if you feel as though your life is out of your own control you’ll sink into a state of helplessness. Don’t underestimate the power of autonomy and the deep satisfaction that comes with steering your own course through life. When we feel as though we are losing control, we don’t just get annoyed – we panic. Death isn’t the biggest fear we face as humans. If it was, there would hardly be any suicides. No-one would be brave enough to actually end their lives. What we cherish most (even if we don’t consciously know about it) is being able to exercise our own judgment and make

our own decisions. The sense of power over our own lives is what really matters to us on a psychological level. When this comes under threat, the emotional fallout can be devastating. In other words, the loss of control is the biggest subconscious human fear. If you’ve ever had a panic attack, you’ll know how terrifying it is to lose control over your own bodily functions. During a panic attack, a sufferer will often find themselves short of breath, experience waves of heat and ice sweeping through their body, and feel dizzy. Most worrying of all, panic attacks often entail a general feeling of “going crazy.” Mental illness and psychosis are still widely feared in our society because they represent a loss of control over one’s emotions, thoughts and even basic grip on reality. When external events make us feel as though we stand no chance of getting our lives back on track, the results can be tragic. Most suicides and other tragedies come from the loss of control over one’s life. For example, it is not uncommon for those who suddenly lose a lot of money or find themselves deep in debt to contemplate suicide. They may see no way out of their financial situation and desperately crave a permanent respite from the feeling of being trapped in a personal hell with no clear way out. Assisted suicides are usually chosen by people suffering from incurable pain. Their fear of death might be real, but it pales in comparison to the terror of living out their final days in agony, completely dependent on others. Relationships are another common source of stress and feelings of helplessness. For example, the success of a romantic relationship depends on the willingness of two people to work together towards sustaining a partnership. When one decides to leave or pull away,

this can trigger strong feelings of loss and grief. When you make a single person the center of your emotional universe, you are effectively giving them complete power over your emotional health. Yet people do this all the time, then wonder why they struggle to move on when their relationships end. Regaining a sense of control over your life gives you the best chance of achieving whatever you want most. It also restores your dignity. No longer will you feel at the mercy of random events or the whims of other people. Sometimes you probably don’t understand why you act the way you do, or what you ought to do next. Understanding and controlling yourself is hard enough. Why make life even more difficult by trying to control the behavior of others? Successful people understand the importance of control. They aren’t superhuman, they just understand that it builds momentum – once you feel in control of one area of your life, it soon tips over into others. A commitment to taking back control of your life will soon create a “can-do” attitude. Once you have this down, you can do anything! Let me show you how this works in practice. I used to really hate the idea of working out. Sometimes I’d look at myself in the mirror and think that I could stand to gain some muscle so that I’d feel more confident about my body, but that’s about as far as it would go. It certainly didn’t make me actually commit to starting an exercise regimen. Sure, I knew that getting stronger and even ripped would have made me feel better about myself, but it wasn’t enough to drive me to make changes. Then my father suffered a stroke. He was home alone and fell down

the stairs, where he lay for several minutes before my mother found him. Obviously he was much older than me and had never taken any interest in working out, but watching him grapple with a grueling physiotherapy regimen was a wake-up call. His therapist said that because he had been relatively weak before his stroke – the guy had never lifted weights or built up any real muscle mass - his recovery would be pretty slow. It was months before he could walk properly again. I vowed that I would never end up in a similar position. I wanted to be strong enough to bounce back if I had to, and to enjoy living in a state of good health for many years to come. Within a few weeks, I had signed up to a gym and made an appointment with a personal trainer. Now that I see working out as a way of safeguarding my health, it has become one of my top priorities. When you set a new goal, make sure that whatever it is you wish to gain will increase the amount of control in your life. For example, starting your own business because you want to have more control over your career and where you live is an excellent motive, because this means that you are working towards a more autonomous life. To be more fulfilled you need to discard and eliminate everything that holds you back whilst working towards things that bring you joy. I’d go so far as to argue that control and self-mastery are the keys to happiness. Turn to the next chapter to discover what really helps us feel content, and how to avoid typical pitfalls you might come across in your pursuit of happiness.

Chapter 6: The Surprising Truth About Happiness What does it really mean to be happy, and is our modern idea of happiness the key to a satisfying life? In the same way that people often think of success as a single isolated event rather than a process, many of us fall into the trap of thinking that happiness is something that “just happens” when the conditions in our lives are exactly right. In this chapter, I’m going to take a critical look at the very notion of happiness. More importantly, I’ll also explain why selfdiscipline is the most reliable path to true contentment. According to modern Western standards, happiness can be measured by the number of material possessions you own and the level of prestige you enjoy. Rich celebrities with millions of fans are held up as aspirational figures, regardless of whether they have actually done anything of note. We are taught that a happy life is one that demands minimum effort yet delivers an endless supply of pleasure. Those who can afford to lounge around on yachts all day, free from the constraints of work, are assumed to be the happiest of all. However, research indicates that once you earn enough to cover the basics such as food and rent, there is only a weak link between

material wealth and happiness.6 You might be surprised to learn that people didn’t always assume that living a pleasure-fuelled, low-effort lifestyle was the path to fulfilment. Our modern concept of happiness as the avoidance of pain, together with the maximization of pleasure and safety, only appeared in the 18th century. In the grand scheme of human history, that’s a pretty recent development! If you could travel back in time and ask an ancient Greek whether they agreed with this definition of happiness, they would laugh in your face. Why? Happiness used to carry very different connotations. It used to be about achievement, competition, and pride in developing virtues such as generosity and self-control. Yes, self-discipline used to be seen as the key to happiness! Hard work was revered. No-one aspired to an idle lifestyle. Instead they gained satisfaction from overcoming their weaknesses and working towards a higher ideal, often enduring various ordeals along the way. Does this sound familiar? We’re back to the concepts of placing long-term results over instant gratification and making time to work on yourself. Our attitude towards suffering has also changed over the years. One of the biggest misconceptions Westerners hold about happiness is that it should be available to anyone who wants it, and that we shouldn’t have to suffer. Suffering is seen as the opposite of happiness instead of simply the price we pay for being alive. We are afraid of suffering, and some of us feel so entitled to a “good life” that we don’t see why we ought to put up with anything that gets in the way of what we want. One of the last remaining taboos in Western society is terminal

illness and death. We don’t like to acknowledge that we are human and are born with numerous limitations. As a society we are obsessed with remaining young and try to avoid confronting our own mortality at all costs. I’ve attended several funerals over the past few years, and at no point has anyone matter-of-factly acknowledged that the deceased has actually died. We use euphemisms such as “passed on” and “gone to a better place.” These words are uttered with the best of intentions, but they are also very revealing. Few people are truly able to acknowledge the harsh realities of life and death. Yet suffering is the most natural thing in the world. The wisest people have known this for thousands of years. The Buddha famously noted that life itself is suffering. Everyone is born, everyone suffers, everyone becomes ill, and everyone dies. Buddhism teaches us that we need to accept that pain and discomfort are unavoidable. Almost paradoxically, the greater our acceptance the greater our happiness! Why? To fully appreciate this teaching, you need to remember that there are in fact two types of suffering. The first type of suffering is necessary suffering. There is no way of avoiding the most unpleasant parts of human existence such as loss, natural disasters, sickness, and so forth. The second type is unnecessary suffering. This stems from rumination, procrastination and avoidance of confrontation with problems. It is self-generated. Remember, it isn’t just what happens to you that determines your mental state but also how you react. For example, when you fall ill with the flu, the symptoms of your sickness are necessary suffering. Short of a miracle, you have no

option but to wait until they pass. However, if you dwell on the outings you are missing because you are laid up in bed, this crosses the line into the realm of rumination and pointless negativity. Your feelings of sadness and self-pity are not inevitable. From this perspective, your suffering is unnecessary. Procrastination is another kind of unnecessary suffering. Ironically, we often procrastinate because we want to avoid pain or discomfort, yet in doing so we only make the situation worse! For example, suppose you have two weeks in which to write and give a presentation at work. You might be very nervous at the thought of public speaking and have little faith in your ability to put together all the information your boss has included in the brief. Even worse, members of the senior management team will be in attendance. If you would procrastinate in this situation, you are not alone. Procrastination is often caused by fear, which in turn is often tied to the anxiety we feel when things are out of our control. In this example, you know that to write the presentation will force you to confront the fact that you will soon be standing up in front of a group of people who will be assessing your every move and may even ask you some difficult questions. The prospect of being subjected to such scrutiny might make you feel extremely anxious. Not wanting to suffer through this anxiety, you delay starting on your presentation for another few days. Most of you know how this story ends – in fact, I’ve lived it myself in the early days of my career. You end up putting off the dreaded task so long because you are frightened of how it will make you feel that you actually end up suffering on two levels. Not only do you still have

to confront the original task but you also have to contend with the guilt, regret, and extra stress. Worst of all, you know that if you’d just sat down and made a start at the earliest opportunity, you wouldn’t be suffering so much. This kind of scenario is so common because on some level we believe that we shouldn’t have to suffer at all. Yet if we could be brave enough to tell ourselves that fear and suffering is inevitable and we just have to make the most sensible choice – to suffer now rather than compound the issue and suffer even more later on – we would be happier. Another misconception we tend to hold about happiness is that it’s an all-or-nothing state. We tend to think that in order to be happy, we should not only feel positive emotions but also experience a lack of negative feelings such as sadness, uncertainty, and grief. This leads to the typical Western scenario in which we look around at our secure homes, access to clean water, 24/7 entertainment and wonder why we can’t “just be happy.” We forget that we are human, and there is room for us to feel negative emotions along with gratitude and happiness. Our moods are often subject to variables beyond our control, and sometimes we must accept that there is no immediately obvious reason why we feel the way we do. Have you ever woken up one morning feeling unusually cheerful but then found yourself more downcast a few days later? This is completely normal, but we tend to forget that not everything needs an explanation. If you make self-discipline a priority, these dayto-day fluctuations won’t bother you. You’ll be too busy making sure that you are meeting your goals and obligations.

By now, the limitations of our Western ideas of suffering and happiness should be clear. We cannot hope to become happy by avoiding all suffering, as we often try to do, because some of it is unavoidable. In reality, happiness can only be attained when we manage to avoid the unnecessary suffering. How can we manage this? Self-discipline! Self-discipline allows you to be as happy as a person can reasonably hope to be, given that you will inevitably come up against obstacles in every area of your life. Even better, good self-discipline actually helps you find a kind of enjoyment and pride in overcoming setbacks. It takes a great deal of bravery to face up to the reality of suffering, but since it is inevitable anyway you may as well resolve to take a rational, balanced view of life in which happiness is an experience to be enjoyed but never taken for granted. 6 Proto, E., & Rustichini, A. (2013). A Reassessment of the Relationship between GDP and Life Satisfaction. PLoSONE. http://dx.doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0079358

Chapter 7: The Power Of Positive Thinking

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e’ve all been told that positivity will help us feel happier and be more productive, but it needs to be approached in the right way. Positive thinking can help you achieve your goals, but you need to balance positivity with action or else nothing will change in your life. In this chapter, we’re going to look at exactly how you can reap the benefits of a positive attitude without relying on unrealistic optimism or blind faith. You may have noticed that throughout this book I’ve tried to emphasize how important it is to stay grounded in reality. There is no magic pill, three-day course or perfect self-help book that will do the work that needs to get done. Your success in life is ultimately down to you. It’s about finding a balance between contemplation and action. You need to remember that as human beings, we are always focusing on something. How we choose to focus our attention has a significant impact on how we feel, which in turn can affect our selfdiscipline and drive. Even people with ADHD always focus on something – it’s just that they tend to switch rapidly from one thing to another. Therefore, how you choose to direct your attention is vital. A good first step is to focus on what you have rather than what you

lack. This can be done using a simple gratitude exercise. Every morning or evening, spend a few minutes thinking about all that is great in your life. Write it down – this is a good exercise in selfdiscipline and will also help you take the concept of positive thinking and gratitude more seriously. Your list doesn’t have to be full of amazing experiences – being grateful for running water and a bed to sleep in is enough. However, the best method is to keep a diary in which you never dwell on all the bad things that happened to you and instead write down all the good situations, emotions and moments you have experienced. If you aren’t actively focusing on the good, you will naturally start to focus on the bad. As humans, we can’t concentrate on nothing at all in life. This means you need to make a choice – are you going to think about what’s going well, or what’s going wrong? Negativity breeds helplessness and depression, which will do nothing to move you towards your goals. On the other hand, getting into the habit of concentrating on the positives in your life will serve you well. It will train you to see the world as a place of exciting opportunities. Note that taking time to feel grateful and positive will give you a boost and help increase your momentum when going after a goal, but it is by no means a substitute for real action! Beware positive thinking philosophies that encourage laziness! Take for example the “Law Of Attraction.” For those of you who don’t know, the LOA is based on the premise that everything in the universe is made up of vibrations. From there, it speculates that “like attracts like” – for example, water droplets are attracted to other water droplets because they operate at the same frequency. Now here’s the kicker – LOA practitioners maintain that humans also vibrate at particular

frequencies, and that we attract the people and outcomes that literally resonate with us. According to this reasoning, we are most likely to experience positive outcomes if we think positive thoughts and raise our vibration. Whilst there may be some scientific logic underlying this theory, it has yet to be proven. The important point to note is that all too often, self-help literature based on the LOA fools people into thinking that they can expect great results without actually having to put in any effort. The LOA can provide you with inspiration, but ultimately only you can drive the changes you must make in your life. Two practical tools you can start using right now are visualization and affirmations. When you create an affirmation, you tell yourself that the situation is already how you want it to be. Affirmations should be positive and in the present tense. For example, “I weigh 150lbs and I’m healthy” is a good affirmation if you are looking to lose weight. “I own a house,” “Success and wealth come naturally to me,” or “I have plenty of money” are good choices if you are working towards specific financial goals. Repeat your affirmations throughout the day and before falling asleep, writing them down on sticky notes or on your phone as appropriate. Affirmations work best when accompanied by visualization. Every time you say or read your affirmations, close your eyes and conjure up a convincing mental picture. Imagine what you will feel, touch, taste, see and hear once you have reached your goal. This will trigger a strong emotional state that will make your goal seem real and accessible. Top athletes, actors and military personnel in the Special Forces act and think as though they have already succeeded. When combined with a practical plan of action and sheer

determination, it’s a winning formula. Make sure you know precisely how to achieve your goals before you start using affirmations and visualization, otherwise you’ll feel good about yourself but won’t actually see your life change. It’s important to remember that positive thinking isn’t a magic cureall. Even the most positive people will still suffer – suffering is inevitable from time to time. Some situations just plain suck. For example, let’s say you have a beloved pet dog. Unfortunately, your dog becomes sick. Your vet tells you that your dog can still live for years to come – but only with expensive medication and surgery. Because your dog is so important to you, you make the financial sacrifice required. It takes months of medication changes and several surgeries followed by rehabilitation, but finally your pet seems to be healthy. Tragically, your dog is then hit by a car in a freak accident and dies. In this kind of situation, positive thinking is unlikely to make you feel better. All you can do is allow yourself to feel sad or regretful and then look to the future. What about positive thinking and failure? Some people find that it’s easy to remain positive when things are going well, but as soon as something goes wrong they start to question whether there is any point to remaining positive when they are struggling. The answer is not to ignore failure entirely, but to approach it effectively and to avoid dwelling on any repetitive negative thoughts. For example, ruminating on what went wrong and thinking things like Why can I never do anything right? Why do I fail so often? and Why are other people better than me? is a waste of time and energy. Truly successful people never allow themselves to wallow in this kind of self-generated misery. Instead, they analyze what happened, what went wrong, and what

they could do better next time. It might seem unlikely, but you really can train yourself to think differently and stop beating yourself up about what has already happened. You really can remain positive even when you are dealing with failure. Once you have taken the lessons it has to offer you on board, you can even engage in some positive self-deception by telling yourself that the mistake never happened. If you catch yourself thinking about past failures again, tell yourself that it’s in the past, that you’ve learned your lesson, and that it may as well have not happened. That’s how many successful athletes and businesspeople move on from even the most spectacular of failures and poor decisions. It’s a very effective solution, even though it may feel strange at first. Be aware that you can go too far in the pursuit of positivity and lose touch completely with your emotions. This may feel good in the short term, but can actually deprive you of valuable opportunities. When you start deluding yourself that you are much happier than you are, you lose the access to negative but truly powerful feelings such as frustration, anger, and despair. Although they may hurt, these emotions can serve as a great, long lasting fuel towards change, a fantastic real-life motivator and an effective kick in the butt. For example, frustration and sadness at being made redundant could be just the emotional fuel you need to finally set up your own business or retrain for a career that suits you much better. When used in the wrong way, positive thinking also encourages you to avoid taking practical action that prevents situations from getting worse. Sometimes you need to confront your problems or else they

will compound and cause further issues. You need to become skilled in identifying what you can let go, and what you need to tackle in the present. A common example is debt management. Taking a positive attitude towards your debt and looking to short-term solutions such as credit cards rather than facing up to it and devising a realistic plan to pay the money back will only end in disaster. Remember this: the fewer confrontations you have in life the more complications you will have. When you gloss over your problems with positivity, you just delay inevitable suffering. However, choosing to face life with a positive outlook will generally benefit you now and in the future.

Chapter 8: Why Failure Is The Key To Success

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ow does the word “failure” make you feel? Many of us fear failure even more than we fear death! In this chapter, I’m going to force you to re-examine failure and even embrace it. You’ll learn how we come to fear failure so much in the first place, why you should expect to fail, why it’s no bad thing to mess up from time to time, and what you can learn from your mistakes. We fear failure so much for two main reasons. The first relates to a loss of control. Even those of us with laid-back personalities like to feel that we know what will happen next. We like to know roughly where we are headed in life, because this gives us a chance to prepare for emotional upheaval or periods of stress. When the unexpected occurs, we are caught off-balance. This is why even “good surprises” such as a lottery win or falling in love with someone we’ve just met can be so disruptive. With any goal comes the risk of failure. We can never be certain of the outcome, and we can never fully anticipate how we’ll feel about success or failure until it actually arrives. The second reason comes down to social conditioning. From the time

we enter kindergarten – or even before – everyone goes out of their way to tell us that failure is the worst thing that can befall a person. If you think about it, this doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, because the average child does pretty well by failing! By the time you start junior school you’ll have learned to walk, talk and feed yourself. How did you master such an impressive set of skills? By failing, of course. Babies aren’t born knowing how to walk. They must first learn how to crawl and then fall over countless times before finally being able to walk more than a few steps. Yet once they are in the school system, they soon learn that unless they understand something the first time around then they are weak and inferior. As children get older, parents and teachers become even less tolerant of failure. If you think back to your own school days, you’ll probably remember that feeling of dread every time parents’ evening rolled around or your report card was mailed home. By college, lots of us get upset at the very idea of receiving an average grade for a piece of work or failing a class. Some people become so paralyzed by the prospect of failure that they refuse to engage altogether and drop out, settling for courses and careers far below their true level of ability. Is it any wonder that as adults we are often so hesitant to make a leap into a potentially risky situation? In my case, fear of failure was definitely a factor that kept me bound to the 9-5 lifestyle for so many years. I know I’m not the only one! Maybe you sometimes imagine living the life of your dreams, working your ideal job for another company or becoming self-employed. But then the fear sets in. You start thinking things like I know I’m good at my job, but what if I can’t make it in a new field? What if I can’t find any clients? What if I turn up to

networking events and people laugh in my face? Is there any special training I have to do to be self-employed? What if I just run out of motivation? If I ever want to work in my old industry again, would anyone ever hire me? You can lose hours to these thoughts if you’re not careful. Rumination leads to exhaustion, which saps your motivation to change. Only when you realize that the fear won’t magically vanish will your choice become clear. You can be afraid and let yourself stay in the same place, or accept it and make the leap anyway. There is one simple way to avoid failure, and that’s by doing nothing. If you are so certain that you can’t handle even minor disasters, then by all means stay in your comfort zone and take no risks. But remember, there’s price to pay for everything in life. The price to pay for not taking any chances is steep. Do you really want to pay it? There is every chance that you will come to regret not taking particular opportunities and missing out on fulfilling your ambitions. Risks also give you a sense of adrenalin and even purpose. They are life-enhancing, and to choose a life of safety is to deprive yourself of self-development. Failure is inevitable, so you may as well get used to the idea that sometimes you will fall flat on your face. This isn’t because you are intrinsically stupid or incompetent. It’s simply because there are too many variables beyond our control, and because we must work within our limitations. This point bears repeating: You cannot afford to take failure personally. You can write out the perfect business plan, only to have the economy tank on you during the first year. You can come up with an excellent diet and exercise regimen and break your arm, making your goals null and void. It happens.

What really matters is how you choose to respond to failure. Just as with everything else in life, you have a choice. It all comes down to how you perceive the situation. To understand this better, think of the placebo effect. Research in medicine and psychology has shown that if you give a group of people an inactive sugar pill and tell them it is designed to cure a particular problem such as a headache or nausea, the average person is likely to tell you that the medication has helped them feel better! This is why drug companies often run trials that compare the results of a drug with the results of a placebo.7 In order to learn just how effective a drug is, they need to account for the results that patients would get anyway merely as a result of being given a tablet. The placebo effect shows us that our beliefs are powerful. A single shift in your perception can trigger meaningful results. How does this relate to failure? Let’s look at two possible ways in which you can react when things go wrong, starting with the most common type of response. Most people see their failures as confirming their deepest, darkest fears. The fear that they aren’t good enough. The fear that the world never rewards those who put in hard work. The fear that although other people can get whatever they want, success will always be elusive for them personally. Much like the placebo effect, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The pioneering car manufacturer Henry Ford famously said that whether you believe you can or can’t do something, you are right. If you interpret your failures as an accurate reflection on your abilities – or lack thereof – you will kickstart a downward spiral. You will teach yourself that there is no point in even trying because everything is destined to failure. Your self-discipline will hit an all-time low, and success will seem even further away.

There is another way of responding to failure and it’s much healthier. The most successful people not only anticipate failure, they welcome it as high-quality fuel that fires up their determination. Once you have failed a few times, you know that you are gathering priceless information about what doesn’t work. Therefore, you can think of failure as an information-gathering exercise that will help you eliminate what doesn’t work and hone in on the right steps to take in the future. Everyone who has achieved something great has failed numerous times along the way. This is true in every field you can think of. For example, the author Stephen King has spoken publicly about the disheartening experience of receiving numerous rejection letters before finally having his first novel, Carrie, accepted for publication. Since then, he has gone on to sell millions of books in dozens of countries. In business, it isn’t uncommon to see your first, second and even third attempts crash and burn. Failure isn’t the opposite of success – it’s part of it. Every time you fail and carry on regardless, you become stronger. You prove to yourself and others around you that pain and discomfort doesn’t bring you down. The very best part? The more you fail, the better you become at dealing with it. The better you feel about failure, the more you’ll feel inclined to try. This is just as well because the bigger the success, the more failures are required! To learn fast, fail often and fail early. Anyone can reach out and grab something within easy reach but it takes true grit and the ability to look failure in the face if you want to soar. Listen to what your failures can teach you, and in the end you’ll be glad that you encountered various obstacles along the way to eventual success. Failure doesn’t just give you insight into

where your practical skillset needs an upgrade. It also helps you build your inner resources. At this point, you may agree with everything I’ve said but still feel reluctant to truly accept failure. In the next chapter, I’m going to share with you the basics of a philosophy that helped me come to terms with the fact that not everything is within my control. 7 Davies, J. (2014). Cracked: Why Psychiatry Is Doing More Harm Than Good. London: Icon Books.

Chapter 9: How Zen Philosophy Can Help You Achieve Your Goals

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ouldn’t it be wonderful to know that whatever life throws at you, you’ll be able to process it and move on? Wouldn’t it be great to live free from that underlying anxiety you feel whenever change looms large on the horizon? What about losing your fear of never having done quite enough with your life, and even feeling comfortable with the inevitability of death? You’re about to learn the basics of an ancient philosophy that has been enriching Eastern lives for thousands of years. In this chapter we’re going to look at Buddhist philosophy, with a concentration on Zen. You’ll learn how it can help you develop a greater level of self-discipline and move you closer to achieving your goals. Don’t worry, this isn’t going to turn into a textbook. There are thousands of books that already explain Zen in depth, and I also have written a book on this fascinating subject. There are several different schools of thought within Zen, and the term is used in a number of ways in Eastern cultures. But here’s the good news – you don’t need to become any kind of scholar to start benefitting from its teachings today. You don’t need to become a Buddhist, meditate for

hours each morning, or start wearing orange robes. You just have to appreciate a few essential ideas in order to bolster your selfdiscipline. Over the past couple of decades, researchers in psychology and self-development fields have noticed that Zen practitioners often enjoy good psychological health. Researchers at Penn State University have spent over a decade looking at the effects of practices associated with Zen, including meditation. It turns out that weaving Buddhist principles into your everyday life can lower stress, induce feelings of calm and help you make better decisions.8 Zen Buddhists can teach us a lot about delaying gratification, overcoming fear and accomplishing our goals. This lays a powerful foundation for self-discipline. Zen is not in itself a religion. It’s best thought of as a kind of experience, a way of life based on the teachings of the Buddha. The closest Japanese term for Zen is “satori,” which roughly translates to “first showing” or “flash of inspiration.” To experience Zen is to live in the present, and fully appreciate that everything is connected. This state is said to be extremely hard to put into words, but roughly speaking it entails a suspension of the self and ego. To put Zen philosophy into context, it helps to know a little about the life of Buddha. Several thousand years ago, he began spreading the teachings and observations which had led to his enlightenment. In short, he taught two key ideas. His first idea was that suffering was very much a part of human life. His second was that for the most part, we bring it on ourselves. Having left his life of luxury to go out into the world and learn about the true nature of existence, he noted

that the majority of people were bound in a state of misery. He eventually concluded that if we are to break free of the endless cycle of birth, suffering and rebirth, we have to stop allowing our minds to grasp onto the illusions and attachments that we tend to hold onto. These attachments include our very sense of self. For example, when we are with someone else there is no “I” or “you,” just two humans who have created the illusion of two separate egos using the power of their own minds. The aim of Buddhism, and of Zen in particular, is to strip away the incessant mind chatter and illusions we hold about the outside world and realize on a deep level that everything is interconnected. There is no “us” and “them,” no “in here and “out there.” Once we attain this level of insight, the concerns of society – such as acquiring social status and material possessions – will come to matter a whole lot less. Instead, we can focus on moral development and lead a much more balanced life. We’ll also save ourselves much unnecessary suffering by letting go of the notion that external events can make us happy. Buddhism encourages living life in the present moment. The past is merely a set of memories and set of interpretations. The future has yet to arrive, and obsessing or worrying about particular outcomes will only lead to pointless mental suffering. This may sound a bit abstract and spiritual. A couple of examples from everyday life will help you better understand how it all fits together. Take the issue of self-identity. Zen teaches us that holding on too tightly to a rigid idea about who you are and what this means is selflimiting and keeps you locked in the same destructive behavior

patterns. When I started reading about Zen for the first time, I soon realized that I had long had a self-image as a high achiever. This sounds like a good problem to have, right? Well yes – in a sense. But if you have a similar self-image, you’ll know that it comes at a cost to your mental health. When you are told from an early age that you’re smart, grades and career success will become a major focus in your life as a child and then as an adult. This leaves you at risk of stress and burnout. Worse still, the prospect of failure becomes scarier over time as you cling tighter and tighter to the idea that you are, and must remain, a high achiever. As if that wasn’t enough, you fall into the trap of striving for qualifications that don’t actually make you happy. Think about it. Have you become permanently happier with each new accolade or qualification? Probably not. It’s more likely that you have felt increasingly anxious about being “found out” or revealed to be a fraud. By this point, if you experience failure then your self-image will unravel and your world will tip upside down. People hate the possibility that their lives might slide out of control (and I’m not immune to this either). Incorporating Zen principles and the teachings of Buddha into your life will help you develop self-discipline and ultimately achieve your goals. Why? Firstly, you will accept that since suffering is inevitable, you should be prepared to work for whatever it is you want. Second, you will gain more control over your own mind. Rather than losing hours to pointless rumination and regrets, you’ll be busy appreciating what’s going on in the present. Most Buddhists advocate meditation for just this purpose, which we will cover in the next chapter. Third, you will feel less constrained by fear. After all, fear is just an

inevitable result of thinking about all the potential ways in which things could go wrong. If you don’t allow your mind to dwell on all the negative possibilities, fear will no longer hold you back. Your thought processes will be sharper and you will be calmer, because you will no longer be fighting against a flood of negative thoughts. Now let’s go back to the issue of goals. You’d be forgiven for thinking that if Buddhism encourages you to dissolve the boundaries between your ego and the world around you whilst refusing to dwell on the future, there’s little room left for setting and working towards goals. Yet this isn’t the case. The Buddha himself outlined a spiritual framework known as The Eightfold Path, which includes guidelines such as “right speech,” “right view,” and “right action.” Not only are these guidelines distinctly proactive in themselves – you can’t get much more proactive than “right action”– but they are definitely goals. Therefore, there is no contradiction between adding the central ideas of Zen into your life whilst looking to improve it at the same time. There’s an added bonus that comes when you live in the present. When you think about the distance between where you currently are and where you’d like to be, it’s easy to feel demotivated. You start thinking about what you lack, and the journey ahead feels daunting. When you focus on taking things one step at a time, you’ll be thinking about the next small mini-goal rather than a distant end result. This stops you feeling overwhelmed by your “bigger vision.” So how can you train yourself to think and act like a Zen Buddhist? In the next chapter I’m going to tell you exactly how some of the most disciplined people on the planet use Buddhist principles to

meet their goals and push themselves further than most of us would ever dream possible. 8 Zimmerman, B. (2014). Zen State: Researchers, students link contemplation with well-being. news.psu.edu

Chapter 10: Mastering Self-Discipline The Shaolin Way

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ow that you understand the key ideas behind Zen and how you can use them to achieve your goals, it’s time to look at how this can work in practice. We’re going to look at the habits and lifestyle of a special group of Buddhist monks – the Shaolin. By examining their day-to-day routines and beliefs, you’ll soon understand how following the principles you learned in the last chapter can lay the foundations for a life of self-discipline. Even better, Shaolin monks enjoy greater overall wellbeing and a sense of inner peace! It’s no wonder that their lifestyle has gradually become an inspiration for many Westerners. So, who exactly are these exceptional individuals? The Shaolin Monastery in China is one of the most famous Zen Buddhist temples in the world. According to legend, it was founded approximately 1500 years ago when a Buddhist teacher known as Buddhabhadra travelled from India all the way to China. His revolutionary idea was that the core teachings of Buddhism could be passed from a master to student.9 Until that point, Buddhist monks had usually relied on scriptures and written interpretations. Buddhabhadra’s idea

impressed the Chinese Emperor, who allocated to him the funds required to build a new temple. The monks were not only trained in spiritual discipline, but also became renowned for their fighting skills. They are taught over 70 special moves including the famous “Iron Head” technique. Those who have perfected this exercise are capable of breaking concrete slabs using just their foreheads. The monks’ skills are so impressive that they sometimes tour the world, giving demonstrations to large audiences. Today, despite numerous attacks and demolitions throughout history, the temple is still home to monks who are famous for their mastery of kung fu. The monks’ day starts at 5am and ends at 11pm, with their time split across three main activities – the study of Buddhism, the practicing of kung fu, and essential temple activities such as cleaning and preparing food. Each monk must therefore spend hours each day on grueling physical exercise along with intense mental and spiritual training. Their lifestyle allows for few material possessions and outside interests. Upon joining the temple, each monk is required to shave their head as a sign of their allegiance to the teachings of the Buddha and a symbol of their willingness to give up their attachment to material possessions. So how do they maintain the high level of self-discipline required to stick to such a strict schedule? According to British-born monk Matthew Ahmet, who trained at the temple for several years, the Shaolin hold a set of attitudes very different to those held in the west.10 For a start, the monks live with access to only the most basic of facilities, washing their clothes by hand and going without running water. This makes them grateful for even the simplest things in life. This gratitude gives them a positive baseline to work with – when you

take time to appreciate the small things, you build psychological momentum. You begin to believe that the world is fundamentally a good place laden with opportunity, which spurs you on to achieve your goals. Second, the monks know that material possessions and wealth are not the magic key to happiness. They aren’t envious of those living “normal” lives because during their training they come to appreciate that real contentment and peace comes from finding a passion or mission. In their case, it’s the spiritual and physical progress they make during their time at the temple. This lesson is simple yet powerful – once you find a goal that aligns with your values and ambitions, your passion will carry you a long way. Even when times get hard and it feels as though you still have a long way to go, a sense of purpose can shore up your self-discipline. Third, they do not believe in pushing themselves to the point of pain or injury. Historically, the monks had to be fit and ready to fight at all times in the event of an attack on their temple. They believed that a monk who was ill or injured as a result of too much physical or mental exertion would be no good in battle. This attitude is still upheld by the modern temple inhabitants. Although the monks spend hours each day in physical training, they also take care to include rest periods in their schedule. They understand that being busy doesn’t necessarily equate to being productive. They are taught that sometimes you need to slow down before you burn out. This is where meditation comes in. Ahmet believes that this is the best way to reduce mind chatter, increase your psychological strength, and learn to balance hard work with downtime.

The monks spend hours every day on meditative practices. According to kung fu practitioners, it is important to regulate your emotions and avoid giving into negative impulses. To fight effectively, they believe you must learn how to harness your essential life force. In the Shaolin tradition this is referred to as “chi.” Translated from the Chinese, it may mean “air,” “energy” or “temper” in English.11 Monks train for years not only in the high-energy art of kung fu, but they also practice a slow martial art called tai chi. Tai chi is comprised of a collection of physical actions requiring immense concentration and balance. It was developed in order to teach those wishing to learn physical combat how to remain aware and focused in the moment in order to strike quickly and effectively. Shaolin monks attribute their unusual physical toughness, resilience and resistance to injury to this mastery of chi. For example, after a few years of training a typical Shaolin monk will be able to withstand blows to the abdomen and internal organs which would be fatal to anyone else. They use their ability to handle and redirect energy to repel blows and remain uninjured. Along with granting you the ability to master your chi and quieten your mind, meditation also helps you get in touch with who you really are. This is the most important step in discovering your inner passion and purpose. The Shaolin monks find it easy to get up and go about their day with vigour, because they know exactly what they are going to do and why they are doing it. This inner conviction drives them to physical, mental and spiritual excellence. Although meditation is often thought of as single experience or practice, for Shaolin monks it is a way of life. They aspire to live a life of continual mindfulness and to retain the highest level of concentration at all times.

It should be clear by now that the Shaolin actually have plenty in common with Navy SEALs. Although their day-to-day activities are very different, each monk and SEAL is strongly allied to their particular cause. They all show immense self-discipline and are willing to give up their regular comforts in order to achieve a greater goal. Just as the SEALs don’t wake up raring to go each and every morning, the monks probably don’t always feel like training for most of the day. However, with such strong ideals and a strict routine to follow, they never need to rely on feeling “motivated.” They know how to cultivate a sense of momentum and seeing their skills increase spurs them on still further. Although their lifestyle sets them apart from almost everyone else on the planet, the Shaolin monks do share one habit in common with most productive people – they have a daily routine and they stick to it. In the next part of the book, I’ve dedicated a whole chapter to schedules, and how to put together a killer routine that will boost your self-discipline. But before we get there, we’re going to learn another practical skill straight from the Shaolin – meditation. Turn to the next chapter to discover how you can start using this ancient spiritual tool in your life right now. 9 Szczepanski, K. (2015). History of the Shaolin Monks. thoughtco.com 10 Whiting, K. (2015). 11 life-changing secrets of Shaolin monks. home.bt.com 11 Cheung, W. (2013). The Nature and Origins of Chi Power in Wing Chun Kung Fu Training. blackbeltmag.com

PART II

Chapter 11: Meditation For Focus & Self-Discipline

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he previous chapter should have convinced you that regular meditation is an excellent way to increase your selfdiscipline. If it can produce amazing results for Shaolin monks, imagine what it could do for you! In this chapter, I’ll take you through a couple of basic exercises that will soon set help you become skilled in the art of meditation. If you’ve ever thought about meditation but then dismissed it as a waste of time or too boring, get ready to rethink your assumptions. For a start, you don’t even have to stay seated for hours each day to meditate “properly.” Remember how the Shaolin monks see meditation as a lifestyle rather than a practice? You need to adopt a similar attitude. Sure, you’ll benefit most from a regular practice, but the real magic of meditation comes when the ordinary stresses of daily life no longer seem like such a big deal. We’ll get into specific techniques shortly, but first I’ll spell out exactly how and why meditation is going to help you. Meditation increases your capacity for making rational decisions and your ability to remain focused on the task at hand. You will also

become an expert in delaying instant gratification in favor of what you most want in the long term. Doesn’t that sound like a great recipe for self-discipline? The regular hassles of daily life won’t suddenly disappear, but they will begin to seem much more manageable. Remember, it isn’t what happens to you in life that determines the ultimate outcome but how you react. Meditation trains you to respond to even the most disheartening of setbacks with a calm, rational outlook. Still feeling skeptical? You’ll be pleased to know that there’s plenty of scientific evidence in favour of meditation. For example, a study published in the journal PNAS shows that you can expect to see results in less than a week. The researchers behind the study asked 40 undergraduate students to take part in 20 minutes of meditation training over a five-day period. They were then given a range of psychological tests. Compared to people who hadn’t taken part in the training program, the participants were significantly better at directing their attention to one particular task. They were also less fatigued, reported less stress, and were less anxious than the control sample.12 Think how much more you could get done if you felt more energized and more in control of your thoughts! Even when you don’t feel motivated to get started on a task, the skills you learn through meditation will enable you to get the job done. This is the very essence of self-discipline. Here’s how to get started. First of all, you’re going to learn a simple seated meditation. Read these instructions through a few times before your first so that you can concentrate fully on what you are doing. You first need to take up an appropriate position. You can adopt a traditional lotus pose if you wish, but sitting cross-legged on

the floor or just upright in a comfortable chair is fine. Don’t do this whilst lying in bed though or else you risk falling asleep! This won’t do you any harm, but to reap the benefits of meditation you do have to remain awake. Incidentally, this meditation practice is known as “Zazen” or simply “Zen meditation,” and is regularly practiced by Shaolin monks. Once you have found a position that is comfortable for you, make sure that your back is straight but not rigid. Keep your mouth closed but not clamped shut, and ensure that your eyes remain open. You should not be staring, but keeping your gaze soft and focused on the floor approximately two feet away. Now that you have the physical aspect of the meditation sorted out, it’s time to focus your mind. There are two techniques you can use here. Experiment with both and see which works best. First, pay attention to your breathing. This forces you to stay in the present moment and quietens your mental chatter. Feel the sensation of air moving through your nose as you inhale, and then out through your mouth as you exhale. Breathe deeply from your stomach rather than your chest. Many Westerners have taught themselves to breathe in a “shallow” way, which reduces oxygen flow and leads to feelings of fatigue. In Buddhism and other Eastern traditions, proper breathing is regarded as an essential practice. It allows energy to flow properly through the body. Whether or not you believe in the concept of “chi” as a life force, breathing properly is definitely important for good overall health. If you suffer from panic attacks, learning how to control your breathing can be very helpful. The next time you feel a sense of panic or overwhelming anxiety, focus on slowly drawing air in through your nose and out through your mouth. This helps your body

balance its oxygen levels, which in turn will help you feel better. The second technique is known as “Shikantaza,” which roughly translates to “just sitting” in English.13 Most new practitioners find this more difficult than the breathing exercise described above, so don’t panic if it seems almost impossible on the first few attempts. Simply sit and observe what is going on around you, and what is going on within you. If you’re like most people (including me), you’ll find that your mind is a noisy place. When you take a moment to stop and just pay attention to whatever it is you are thinking about, you’ll be amazed at how much mental junk you have. The aim is not to pass judgment on whatever it is you are thinking about, but to accept each thought before letting it go. Imagine your thoughts as clouds passing by in the sky – they are there, you can’t make them vanish, but you can choose to watch them float past rather than get caught up in what they mean. Once you can do this during meditation sessions, you will start to adopt a healthier attitude towards your negative thoughts in everyday life. Instead of becoming bogged down in unhelpful thoughts such as I can’t do this and Everyone is better than me, you’ll be able to let them go and channel your energy into productive activities. Not only will you be a happier and more positive person, but you will no longer waste time on pointless self-deprecation. Taking charge of your mind will leave you feeling empowered. Whether you are focusing on your breath or “just sitting,” you are bound to find that your mind wants to wander from time to time. You may start to think things like This is dumb or I have so many thoughts, how will this ever work? Don’t let yourself get caught up in the mental

debris. As soon as you notice that you have started engaging with your thoughts or have lost focus, bring your attention back to the present. There’s no need to berate yourself – after all, that’s just inviting more mental chatter! Like all skills, meditation gets easier with time. If you’ve been living the typical multi-tasking Western lifestyle for decades, it’s unreasonable to expect that you’ll achieve inner peace overnight. On the other hand, you can realistically expect to feel calmer and more in control of your life and emotions within a few days. Isn’t that an exciting thought? If you really struggle to sit still for more than a couple of minutes or have such high anxiety levels that you cannot bear to face your own thoughts, try a dynamic form of meditation instead. Zen walking meditation, known as “Kinhin,” can be used together with or as an easier alternative to seated methods.14 Remove your shoes and socks, then begin by assuming a standing pose. Keep your posture upright, but do not allow your back to stiffen. Do not rock back and forth on your feet. You should feel grounded, with your weight distributed evenly. Bring your left thumb in towards your palm, and fold your fingers so they are wrapped around it. Now place your left hand lightly against your stomach, just above your naval. Take your right hand and place it on top of your left. Your gaze should be soft and concentrated on the ground approximately six feet away from your body. Starting with your right foot, take a single step forward every time you breathe in and out. This is a slow practice – only move your foot once you have completed an inhalation-exhalation cycle. Aim for a controlled, smooth movement as you walk around in a clockwise direction. It takes enormous self-discipline to keep your pace even.

To an outsider, this exercise may seem peculiar and pointless. However, it is actually a brilliant way of developing some serious self-control. Every time you perform this meditation, you prove to yourself that you can exert total mastery over your movements. This translates into a stronger, more proactive mental attitude that will enhance success in every area of your life. No wonder some of the most successful businesspeople including Russell Simmons (CEO of Def Jam) and Jeff Weiner (CEO of LinkedIn) make time to meditate on a daily basis.15 So how often should you meditate, and for how long at a time? I personally meditate for 20 minutes in the morning before starting work for the day, and then 20 minutes in the afternoon. I started with 10 minutes twice a day, and built it up by a couple of minutes until two or three days. I prefer seated to walking meditation, but that’s just what works best for me. Even if I have an urgent project demanding my attention, I’d no sooner miss my meditation practice than miss brushing my teeth. It’s an essential part of my self-care routine. Without it, I quickly become frazzled and overwhelmed. From now on, your meditation practice is non-negotiable. It’s part of your life, because you are a selfdisciplined individual who takes their personal growth seriously. I never say that I “try” and meditate every morning – I simply get up and do it. In the next chapter, you’ll discover why “trying” at anything is bad news.

12 Tang, Y., Ma, Y., Wang, J., Fan, Y., Feng, S., Lu, Q., Yu, Q., Sui, D., Rothbart, M.K., Fan, M., & Posner, M.I. (2007). Short-term meditation training improves attention and self-regulation. PNAS, 104 (43), 17152-17156. 13 Giovanni. (2016). Types Of Meditation – An Overview Of 23 Meditation Techniques. liveanddare.com 14 Giovanni. (2016). Ultimate Guide to Walking Meditation. liveanddare.com 15 Neal, B. (2016). 8 Super-Successful People Who Meditate Daily. pakwired.com

Chapter 12: Why You Should Say Goodbye To “Try”

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ne of the simplest yet most powerful practical steps you can take right now in boosting your self-discipline is to remove a single word from your vocabulary. This one change will alter how you see yourself, and greatly increase your self-esteem. It isn’t just how you think that shapes the way you live. The words you use, both aloud and in your head, dictate your selfimage and ultimately your success. So what word do you need to cut? From now on, you are no longer going to use the word “try.” In this chapter, you’ll come to understand why allowing yourself to merely “try” rather than do will hold you back from achieving your goals and undermine your self-discipline at the same time. “Try” may be a little word, but it can cause you big trouble! Most of us were encouraged to try our best as children. Wellmeaning parents and teachers may have reassured us that as long as we put in a decent day’s work, the end results didn’t matter too much. Popular sayings such as “It’s not the winning, but the taking part that counts” and “Well, at least you tried” reinforce this attitude

even further. This sentiment is cosy and reassuring. It suggests that there’s always a next time, and that there’s always another opportunity to succeed. Unfortunately, the harsh truth is that sometimes you don’t get another chance to hit your target. You have to seize the moment or lose it forever. Real life just doesn’t give us chance after chance! From now on, you are not going to try. You are going to simply DO. If you catch yourself saying ”I’m going to try…” then stop! Instead say ”I’m going to do…” You need to have courage and be decisive in both your speech and your actions. Not only will you come to respect yourself more, but others will start to regard you as a proactive winner rather than someone who is afraid to risk failure and as a result does nothing. When you resign yourself to trying rather than expecting yourself to actually come out on top, you are writing yourself off. You make yourself smaller. Rather than assuming that you are going to achieve whatever it is you set your mind to, you fall into the trap of thinking that as long as you try, things will work out somehow. From time to time, you might have luck on your side. Sometimes fate intervenes and everything does fall into place. However, as a general rule you get out of life what you put in. You’ll always get better results from taking action than merely trying. Try comes in various shades of gray, which means you are less likely to hold yourself accountable when you aim to try rather than do. When you set out to try, you are allowing yourself a lot of wriggle room. How hard, exactly, do you have to try before you can say that you really gave it your all? It’s hard to measure, isn’t it? This leaves you vulnerable to self-deception. You end up telling yourself that you tried when in actual fact you merely made a half-assed effort. On the

other hand, if you actually DO, it’s clear for you and others to see. It’s simple – did you go forth and get the job done or not? There’s no room for excuses. You have to use your self-discipline, and work for the results. To DO, you need to trust in yourself and your abilities. Take an honest inventory of your skills, strengths and weaknesses. This in itself is an act of self-discipline, because it takes guts to face up to who and what you really are. Do not indulge in self-flagellation – that’s a waste of time and will just encourage a ”poor me” attitude. This won’t get you anywhere. If you know that you are capable of succeeding, go out there and do it. If you know that you are going to need help from other people or will need to pick up some new skills first then that’s fine too – go out and DO that! You also need to fully believe that what you are doing will move you closer to your goals. This requires some effort and reflection, but by this point you should have accepted that anything valuable demands hard work. Before you embark on a new project, ask yourself what it is you are really trying to achieve. Don’t just sit there and think about it – take out a pen and piece of paper and make a list. If you aren’t quite sure of your aims, don’t get started until you know exactly where you want to end up. Otherwise you’ll waste precious time and energy. Without proper planning, you also run the risk of developing a self-image as someone who always tries yet fails time and time again. This sets off a vicious circle in which you lose your confidence, so feel less able to attack new projects, which leads to further disappointment, and so forth. The solution is to choose your goals wisely, weigh up your chances of success, and then strike! Trying is messy. Doing is clean, assertive and decisive.

Telling yourself that you are going to try rather than do is to immediately focus on limitations and obstacles rather than possibilities. This naturally leads to negative, unhelpful beliefs that will hold you back. For example, let’s say you want to lose weight. You tell yourself that you will try to stick to your diet and try to squeeze in a few workouts every week so that you can lose those 20lbs that have crept on over the past few years. The problem here is that you are already setting yourself up for a struggle. You are allowing yourself to dwell on the possibility that you will expend a huge amount of time and effort only to miss out on the end result. The assumption that you are going to try to lose weight rather than actually manage to get lean encourages unhelpful thoughts such as I’ll try to resist temptation but it’s so hard, I’ll try to exercise but it takes up too much time and I’m always trying to lose weight, but it always comes back. This style of thinking isn’t going to give you the healthy push you need to achieve your goals, is it? Of course, whatever it is you are attempting will either work out or fail. If you succeed, then great! On the other hand, if you are afraid of failure, the prospect of your project falling flat will terrify you. If you haven’t come to terms with the power and benefits of failure, go back to Chapter 9 for a refresher. Trying doesn’t really build character, but taking action and learning from the end result certainly does. Failure really isn’t the end of the world. Far worse is living a life of halfhearted attempts and a lack of self-discipline. Successful people know that in order to get anything done, they must assume that they will meet their goals and continually push themselves harder. They act rather than try. For example, the renowned self-development expert, author and speaker Deepak

Chopra is well-known for his productivity and energy. He is famous for his contribution to the New Age movement and is also a successful entrepreneur, having amassed a multi-million dollar fortune. To date, he has written over 15 books. At the age of 69 he still works full-time and regularly embarks on speaking tours around the world. When asked how he finds the time to continue expanding his publishing empire despite numerous other demands in his life, Chopra has been quoted as saying “Don’t try. Do.”16 Aside from imposing a ban on phrases like “I’m trying…” and “I want to try…,” how else can you make this mental shift? You need to shore up your self-belief. Give yourself some momentum by setting yourself targets that you are almost certain to achieve. For example, setting yourself the goal of exercising for five minutes every morning is highly achievable and will allow you to prove that you have the beginnings of self-discipline. Remember that self-talk is key. Once you have decided on your first achievable goal, remind yourself several times a day that you are going to DO it. What else will help you do rather than try? Habits and routines that cultivate success. When you know what you are going to do and how you will get there, you become a doer rather than someone who merely tries. In the next chapter, I’ll explain why winning and losing are both habits, and how with a few simple rules you can put yourself firmly on the path to regular and ongoing victory. 16 Dawson, J. (2016). Don’t Try. Do. iamgenie.org

Chapter 13: The Only Rules of Training You’ll Ever Need

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ou’ll get the most from life when you start viewing it like a training academy. Life is a dynamic, ever-changing experience that demands discipline and self-awareness if you are to reach your full potential. Even when you meet your goals, there’s no time to stand still. Pause for too long and you’ll run out of momentum. It all comes back to the choices you make. You don’t get to opt out – you are always training yourself in one direction or the other. You can train towards a winning mindset, or a losing mindset. It’s about taking responsibility for your life direction. In this chapter, we’ll look at five basic rules which will help you excel at anything you desire. These rules will help you succeed in any area of your life. Whether you want to become more efficient at work, find a healthier relationship or shift some weight the principles are exactly the same. Once you have them mastered, your productivity will soar along with your self-belief. The rules provide you with a useful framework that promotes self-discipline and responsibility. It isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. As you read through this chapter, think about how you can apply

them to a goal or ambition you are currently pursuing. The first rule is to know precisely what you want. I touched on this in the last chapter, but it warrants a little more explanation here. Before you embark on any project there are two questions you must be able to answer. First, can you describe in detail what it is that you want? The more detailed your vision, the better your chances of success. Going after a vaguely defined goal is not particularly inspiring. Consider these two statements - “I’m going to lose 15lbs” versus “I’m going to lose 15lbs, double the weight I can lift in the gym, and buy three fantastic new outfits once I achieve my goal by the end of July!” Which sounds more exciting? The latter is a much better approach because it inspires more emotion and is much more specific. We humans are emotion-driven creatures, so why not make the most of it? Here’s the second question - can you explain why it is you want this particular outcome so badly? Pursuing a goal for the sake of it won’t get you far. You need to have a bigger vision. Ideally, a goal should align with your ultimate purpose and core values in life. For example, let’s say your goal is to write a 50,000-word book based on your experiences in the business world. For most people, this would be a huge challenge. However, let’s say that you’ve always valued education and want to make this book accessible to a wide audience including those who never got the opportunity to go to business school or have never had the chance to gain any business experience. From this perspective, your mission is in line with your core values. This underlying purpose can keep you going even on those days you feel too tired or distracted to write and would rather watch TV instead.

You should also consider what you are going to have to sacrifice in pursuit of your goal. Remember, pain and suffering is inevitable and the rule still applies when you are chasing your dreams! Anything worthwhile is going to demand that you give up something. For example, if you want to get fit then you might have to get up earlier in the morning and make time to work out. If you want to meet a financial goal such as accumulating a certain amount of money, you may have to stick to a budget. Get realistic about what you are going to have to give up, and you won’t be in for any nasty surprises further down the line. What’s more, this exercise also forces you to consider whether what you want is really worth the sacrifice. On one hand, we tend to value what we’ve had to work for, so it’s no bad thing to endure some pain! However, if you weigh up the pros and cons and decide that the sacrifice isn’t worth the end result then it’s time to reassess your goals. The second rule is to approach your goal in a straight line. Again, we are back to doing rather than trying. People who merely try tend to attempt to solve a problem or meet a goal via numerous means. They often put in only the bare minimum because part of them thinks that if they fail, they can always try something else! This is grossly inefficient. You need to get into the habit of clarifying the steps you must take to reach your goal, double-checking the details, and then deciding to get it done. It’s well worth taking an hour or two to set out your plan in some depth. Your plan may have to change if you come up against any unforeseen obstacles, but you need a reliable starting point. A good plan can spur you on when things are tough, because it acts as a reminder that the journey does have an end point and that you have made sure that your goal is realistic.

The third rule is to focus on taking small steps day by day. Strange as this may seem, taking small steps can require just as much selfdiscipline as huge strides. When you first start out on a journey, it’s tempting to make as much headway as possible in a short period of time. The initial burst of motivation can make you feel as though you can achieve anything, so you channel all your energy into making progress. Unfortunately, as we all know, you cannot rely on motivation alone. Do so and you risk burning out. You may even become despondent when the inevitable crash happens. The solution is to follow your plan to the letter. If you feel especially excited and motivated it’s fine to enjoy the feeling, but it’s more helpful in the long run to develop the habit of working at a sensible, measured pace. Keep a logbook or diary and use it to record your progress. In a few weeks or months from now, you’ll be proud of yourself for maintaining a steady pace. It will stand as solid proof that you are a highly disciplined individual, and this will push you to chase your next dream! The fourth rule of training states that you win only when you work out what it is you need to do and then repeat it as necessary. Let’s say your goal is to be fluent in Spanish. Specifically, you want to be able to understand a Spanish newspaper. How would repetition come into play here? If you want to learn a new language, you need to figure out which exercises and drills you can do which will help you master vocabulary, spelling and grammar. This may mean downloading a couple of apps to your phone, buying a book of exercises, or getting any other tools you are going to need. Then you need to commit to repeating the exercises once, twice or even three times each day depending on how quickly you need to reach your

goal. Sometimes you may feel bored, but this is the price you pay for success. It’s fine to feel frustrated on occasion – just get it done. If you miss a day, don’t waste time and energy beating yourself up or making excuses. Pick up where you left off and vow to stick to your plan going forward. The final rule is to pay attention to the small victories along with your end goal. For example, let’s say that you want to improve your fitness and run a full marathon. If you don’t currently get much exercise, that will seem like a huge goal. If you think about the end result too much you will soon become dispirited and perhaps give up altogether. A better approach is to look forward to celebrating every time you meet a new sub-goal such as running five kilometres without stopping, then ten, and so on. This gets you into the habit of winning and pushing yourself to victory. Triumph then becomes a habit, and your self-image as a winner will be strengthened even further. Whatever your goal, remember that you always get more of whatever you focus on. When you believe that you are capable of achieving your desired end result, victory will be yours provided that you take consistent action. This is why maintaining a positive attitude and selfimage is so important. Think of yourself as a winner, and that’s exactly what you will become! Undertaking a grueling quest towards a goal can soon deplete your energy – if you haven’t braced yourself for the hard work required. In the next chapter, I’ll tell you why it’s vital that you learn to enjoy the process of chasing a goal.

Chapter 14: Falling In Love With The Process

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nce you’ve identified your goal and worked out what you need to do in order to get there, the next step is to train yourself to enjoy the process. Why? Because if you rely on either motivation or sheer grit to see you through, you won’t last long. In this chapter, I’ll teach you how to actually enjoy putting in the kind of hard work you’ll need to do in order to fulfil your potential. We’ve already discussed the limitations of motivation. Focusing on a goal can be highly empowering and drive you forward, but the dayto-day grind involved in actually getting there can sap your energy unless you train yourself to enjoy the work involved. Fortunately, with a basic knowledge of psychology you too can actually look forward to the journey as much as the destination. If you’ve ever trained an animal, you will already know about the power of association. One of the most famous figures in psychology, Ivan Pavlov, demonstrated this way back in the 1890s.17 Pavlov was technically a physiologist by training, but his findings still have huge implications for how we understand behavior today. He was interested in how dogs salivated when they were being fed. However, over time he noticed something interesting – the dogs began to salivate when they heard Pavlov’s assistant walking down

the corridor or entering the room, even when he wasn’t carrying any food. Pavlov realized that the dogs had come to associate the sound of the footsteps with food, which triggered an automatic salivation response. He then built on this work by ringing a bell just before feeding the dogs. After a few days, the dogs began drooling whenever he rang the bell. How is this relevant to 21st-century humans? Because it shows that instead of having to force particular responses, we can harness the power of conditioning instead. If you can pair a difficult or unpleasant task with positive feelings, over time the task will actually become enjoyable because your mind will have formed a positive association between action and feeling. Imagine what it would be like to feel happy at the prospect of hard work! It’s entirely possible. This needn’t be a complicated process. You merely have to think about ways in which you can trigger feelings of pleasure and calm before, during and immediately after a task. When you implement them on a consistent basis, the process will begin to seem much easier. For example, suppose you want to start your own business. In order to do so, you need to put together a business plan before the bank will grant you a loan. You know that this will take many hours of research, writing and fact-checking and the very thought of sitting down at your computer fills you with dread. What could you do to form the kind of positive associations that will see you through the hardest and most complicated aspects of the job? Here are a few ideas to get you started. Before sitting down to work, you could pour a glass or mug of your favorite drink. After a few

days, your mind will have paired the pleasurable sensations generated by ingesting the drink with work. Alternatively, you could spend a few minutes reading an inspiring article or even taking an invigorating shower complete with your favorite gel or soap. This will encourage you to pair a particular scent and temperature with productive work. Whilst working, you could play some pleasant sounds in the background. Music with lyrics is too distracting for most people, but ambient noise that appeals to you such as coffee shop sounds or rainfall are often calming. Even when your work is difficult, you will still be able to enjoy a feeling of serenity and condition yourself to feel positive whenever you work on the project. You will come to associate these noises with productivity, and therefore set into motion a self-reinforcing cycle. When you finish a session, you should also give yourself a reward that you associate only with this particular project. For example, you could allow yourself to watch an episode of a new TV series only once you have completed a particular task. Note that this isn’t just using a simplistic reward system. You are training your brain to form a link between working hard and experiencing positive emotions to the point where after a while you won’t even need the reward. The association will be so strong that the grind will be its own payoff. To give another example, let’s say you want to work out more often at the gym in order to lose a specific amount of weight. You could put together a playlist of songs you really like and only allow yourself to listen to them whilst working out. Immediately you have an incentive to go to the gym, and as you come to associate the music with working out the latter will feel more pleasurable in and of itself. You

will find that even if you forget your phone or MP3 player one day, you will still feel inclined towards working out. This process demonstrates the power of the subconscious mind in action. When you repeat a behavior over and over again, you no longer have to waste precious time and energy debating whether you should or shouldn’t do something. You just get on with it. Another powerful method that will help you begin to love the process is to tap into your sense of identity. When you achieve your goals, what type of person will you have become? Thinking of yourself as a person undergoing a transformation can restore your faith in the dayto-day grind and help you see it as an exciting time of change rather than a long hard slog. For example, if you are training for a marathon then think of yourself not as someone who is working towards a certain event but as someone who is in the process of becoming the type of person who cares about their health, who is full of energy, and doesn’t feel daunted at the prospect of a physical challenge. Remember that whatever you visualize and imagine you can achieve, as long as you are willing to put in the time and effort required. How would you like to feel about yourself? It’s empowering to realize that the only thing standing between where you currently are and how you’d like to be is consistent action. One of the smartest ways of thinking about the process of working towards your goals is to feel grateful that you have the opportunity in the first place. So many people lack the time, energy and imagination needed to dream of a better life and kickstart the process of self-growth. Just before you start your training session or sit down to work on a project, take a moment to feel glad and excited

that you have the ability to change your life through your own efforts. Every time you complete a sub-goal, give yourself a reward. You need to train your mind to anticipate rewards, pleasure and positive feelings every step of the way as you move towards your ultimate goal. It may sound silly or childish, but simply writing down what you did on a particular day and even giving yourself a gold star on a calendar can spur you on. A gold star may not serve much purpose in and of itself, but the symbolism is powerful. Noticing a long line of stars on a calendar every time you pass it in the kitchen or office will remind you how rewarding the process can be, even if you still have a way to go before reaching your goal. You can also try using applications such as “Habitica.” It “gamifies” your everyday tasks and habits, thus making the process more rewarding. On the other hand, sometimes we fall into the trap of forgetting that periods of grueling work are inevitable and necessary. We may also think that no-one else struggles as much as we do. This is usually because we compare our private behind-the-scenes battles with others’ public triumphs. We all know those who appear to “have it all” without expending too much effort, and we all see stories in the media of so-called “overnight successes” in the entertainment industry. What we don’t see is the endless hours of practice, sweat, grind and hustle that go into the final outcome. Rest assured that anyone who has ever achieved widespread acclaim or success has had to put in a lot of hard work. This realization can be enough to strengthen your resolve, because once you accept that the path to victory is long and challenging you can stop wasting your energy putting up resistance and work on learning how to love the process instead.

Along with an ability to enjoy the work required to achieve your goals, you also need to train yourself to avoid giving into distractions and temptations that could throw you off course. In the next chapter, we’ll look at the scientific research behind temptation and how you can learn to delay gratification. 17 McLeod, S. (2013). Pavlov’s Dogs. simplypsychology.org

Chapter 15: Delaying Gratification & Overcoming Temptation

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earning how to delay gratification and overcome the desire to see instant results is one of the key skills you will need to grow your self-discipline. Once you’ve mastered the art of focusing on what you want most rather than what you want in the present, the chances that you will achieve your goals shoot up. In this chapter, I’ll give you some simple tricks and tips to enhance your self-control, delay gratification and resist temptation. Note that “simple” doesn’t always mean “easy.” Self-control is much like a muscle and the more often you practice the art of delayed gratification, the easier it becomes. Not only that, but you’ll find yourself actively choosing to make progress on long-term projects rather than getting sidetracked by distractions such as the internet. We all know people who seem to have laser-like concentration. Once they know what needs to be done, they get on with the task in hand and don’t allow themselves to do anything else until it’s complete. At the other end of the spectrum, you probably have a couple of friends or relatives who never knuckle down and make progress on any project because their attention wanders. Research

suggests that these differences show up early in life. The most famous experiment in this area is probably the marshmallow test carried out by Walter Mischel over 40 years ago.18 Mischel and his colleagues devised a simple setup that allowed them to investigate self-control and the ability to delay gratification in young children. Preschoolers were each presented with a plate containing two marshmallows. Next to the plate Mischel would place a bell. Each participant was told that the researcher had to leave the room for a few minutes. Whilst the researcher was gone, the child could make a choice – to wait until they came back and earn themselves both marshmallows, or ring the bell to summon the researcher back and only be allowed to eat one marshmallow. Mischel tracked the same children down years later. By this point they had reached adolescence. It turned out that the children who were able to delay gratification as preschoolers turned into teenagers who were more likely to earn higher grades, be rated as more resilient to stress by parents and teachers, and show enhanced ability to concentrate compared with those who had caved and eaten the single marshmallow all those years before. But the experiment didn’t end there. Mischel caught up with the subjects yet again when they entered their 40s. Again, the individuals who had shown the ability to delay gratification as children and teenagers were likely to enjoy better self-control into middle age. This research seems to suggest that some people win the genetic lottery when it comes to putting off an instant reward in order to chase a longer-term goal. Brain imaging studies have shown that a particular part of the brain known as the prefrontal cortex is more

active in people with greater self-control. But there is hope for those of us with a history of impulsive behavior. Another well-established finding in modern psychology is that the brain is plastic.19 In simple terms, this means that not only does your neurological wiring affect your behavior, but that you can make changes to your behavior that will then literally shape your brain. Commit to the habit of delaying gratification and it will become easier over time. Start by making minor changes that enable you to practice the skill of delaying a reward. For example, the next time you want a coffee or soda challenge yourself to wait twenty minutes before going to fetch your drink. When your phone next buzzes, hold off opening that message for five minutes. Get used to the idea that sometimes you have to wait for a payoff. Give yourself some praise every time you resist temptation, and over time you’ll find that the act of temporarily denying yourself actually becomes pleasant in and of itself. After all, eating that cookie isn’t going to make you proud – any idiot can give into temptation and stuff themselves with junk food. Showing some serious self-control, on the other hand, is much harder. Take a moment to appreciate your accomplishment! Once you have mastered the art of enduring a short wait for a relatively minor reward, take it one step further. Think in terms of days instead of minutes or hours. For example, if you really want to buy a new shirt that you don’t need, tell yourself that you can have it if you wait a week. Chances are that by the time the seven days are up, you won’t remember why you even wanted the shirt so much in the first place. When practiced regularly, these exercises will train your mind to excel at delaying gratification. Even more importantly, you will begin to reconstruct your self-image as someone who can make the

right decision and sacrifice what they want in any given moment for what they want in the long term. Why is this vital to your success? Your self-image is key to achieving your goals and bringing about lasting change. If you believe that you are the kind of person who never plans ahead, makes poor decisions and has no control, that is exactly how you will be. Humans like to act in accordance with their self-image, even if that self-image holds us back. You already know how affirmations and visualization can shape your self-image and change your behavior. Although the most important step is to practice putting off pleasurable activities on a regular basis, affirmations and visualization will make your efforts even more effective. Repeat “I have great self-control,” “I can delay gratification,” or another suitable affirmation several times each day. Whenever you decide to delay getting or doing something, visualize how good it will feel to master temptation and strengthen your selfcontrol even further. Stress and fatigue are other factors that directly affect your ability to make smart decisions. Once you understand what psychological research has shown us about impulse control and stress, you can start to plan your day accordingly for much better results. Even those of us with great self-control will have our resolve tested on a frequent basis. There is a limit as to how much we can handle before our capacity for rational decision-making shuts down. The trick is to anticipate these limitations in advance and then adjust your routine. You’ll have seen first-hand for yourself that willpower is naturally depleted throughout the afternoon if you’ve ever gone shopping for dinner after a hectic workday. When you are tired and your mind is

churning with stressful thoughts, choosing between a sensible healthy dinner and junk food that offers immediate gratification becomes much harder. Research has shown that as the day goes on, our willpower weakens. We can only make so many decisions before our self-control “muscle” becomes fatigued and we start becoming vulnerable to temptation.20 Now let’s translate this research into practice. Since your ability to make the right choice in any situation will weaken as the day goes on, it’s a good idea to make all your important decisions and start your least pleasant tasks as soon as possible. Save the easy and fun activities for the afternoon and evening to allow for this natural depletion in willpower. It’s far easier to choose to work on your boring spreadsheet or report for work rather than browsing Reddit at 9am than it is at 3pm, so when you plan your tasks for the day bear this in mind. As an added bonus, you’ll feel proud of yourself for crossing the hardest and most mundane task off your list so early in the day, which will give you a shot of momentum. Remember that the Navy SEALs begin each morning by making their beds to a high standard. If this principle is good enough for them, it’s good enough for you! Your blood sugar level also plays a role in your ability to delay gratification. The brain’s primary fuel is glucose, and it turns out that when your blood sugar is low it’s harder to make smart choices. Research has shown that in both dogs and humans, those with higher blood sugar levels are better at rising above temptation.21 What does this mean for you? In order to better resist temptation, try to keep your blood sugar levels steady. This means eating balanced meals and snacks at regular intervals throughout the day, and not allowing yourself to become too hungry for long periods of time. We

all know that hunger often leads to crankiness and an inability to concentrate, so give yourself an advantage by planning a sensible diet. If you are struggling to get or stay productive, take a moment to think about when you last ate a decent meal. In order to meet your goals, you are going to have to make numerous decisions every day – to work on your project or watch TV, to spend money on the latest gadget or invest it in your new business, to work out at the gym or laze around playing games, and so on. Although the choices you make on any given day might seem inconsequential, over time your ability to resist temptation will make all the difference to how your life turns out. Take each day seriously as an opportunity to practice the art of restraint and you will become more successful in every area of your life. 18 American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Delaying Gratification. apa.org 19 Munte, T.F., Altenmuller, E., & Jancke, L. (2002). The musician’s brain as a model of neuroplasticity. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 3, 473-478. 20 American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Is Willpower a Limited Resource? apa.org 21 American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Is Willpower a Limited Resource? apa.org

Chapter 16: Why Negative Emotions Can Fuel Your Success

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owever positive you are and however well you may set yourself up for success, there will be times of despair, sadness, anger, and frustration. To be human is to experience a full spectrum of emotions. Most of us try and shy away from any kind of negative feelings. When we feel bad, we often try to forget about it as soon as possible and get back to feeling happy or at least “OK” as quickly as possible. In this chapter, I’m going to argue that not only is it healthy to embrace your negative emotions, but that they are great fuel when it comes to self-control and bolstering your sense of purpose. As long as you have come to accept that suffering is inevitable, you are ready to make good use of your unpleasant emotions. Negative feelings like sadness or despair are clear signals that something is wrong and needs to change. Think of your negative emotions not as an inconvenience that needs to be “solved,” but rather as helpful signposts that highlight what steps you must take in order to improve your quality of life. Instead of harnessing their negative emotions in a constructive

manner, using them as an incentive to put together a plan of action, most people try and ignore uncomfortable feelings. They hope that somehow the problem will resolve itself! We’re back again to a central theme of this book – you won’t make any solid progress until you back up your thoughts and analysis with concrete action! Let’s look at a few specific negative emotions and how you can best channel them. Humans are emotion-driven creatures who gravitate towards drama, so you may as well make the most of your negative energy. We’ll start by taking a fresh look at anger and rage. Lots of us have trouble dealing with these feelings, and much of the trouble comes from how we are socialized. We may have been taught from a young age that it’s “not nice” to get angry, and that if we allow ourselves to get angry then we’ll spiral out of control. As a result, we suppress even our justifiable rage and seethe with frustration. On the other hand, some of us are taught that anger is a good way to get other people to do what you want. If you live by this rule, you will end up in lots of heated confrontations. Obviously, neither approach is particularly healthy. Instead, aim to use the physical charge of anger as an energy supply. This could be as simple as channeling your energy into a hard workout at the gym. However, it can also be a great motivator that pushes you towards long term goals. For example, you may be angry at your peers in high school or college for saying or implying that you are fat, stupid, or ugly. You might be able to rise above their comments, but why not use your rage as a basis for positive change? It isn’t healthy to base your life decisions on what other people say or do, but it can certainly propel you forwards. A desire to

prove once and for all that you are not useless, that you can do and be whatever you like and triumph over whatever obstacles life places in your way can give you a much-needed boost when you feel like giving up. Envy is another powerful negative emotion that you can put to excellent use. When you feel envious, this is a clue that someone else has exactly what you want. This is actually a gift, because it helps you discover precisely what you need to work on. If you catch yourself envying someone else’s material possessions, this is a sign that you might want to build up your own wealth. This provides you with a solid starting point for putting together a blueprint for greater financial freedom and security. Look closely at your feelings of envy, write out what it is you want, and during those times when you want to give up return to your list. What about anxiety? Believe it or not, your tendency to worry can actually work in your favor. Fear can be immobilizing, but used properly it can be the first step towards great success. This can work in two ways. First, conquering your fears is satisfying in and of itself, so imagining how good you will feel when you have done something that scares you is a powerful motivator. Second, you can use fear as a basis for constructive action. For example, let’s say that the company you work for is in financial trouble, and your job is at risk. This may be just the push you need to think about applying for a better job, starting your own business, or retraining for a new career. Fear can be managed but rarely obliterated, so you may as well make the most of it! If you feel overwhelmed by anxiety, sit down and make a list of how

you could handle the outcomes you fear most. Assuming that the worst were to happen, how could you make the best of a bad situation? For example, you may be afraid to rent out your house, quit your job and travel the world for a year even though it’s one of your most beloved ambitions. Identify what it is that actually frightens you. In this example, you may be afraid that you will be unemployable when you return home. The next step is to think of realistic solutions you could use if your worst fears actually came true. To continue with the above instance, you could retrain for a new career or find an entrylevel job in a new sector and spend a couple of years working your way back into better-paying positions. Or even better, start your own business. This exercise proves that fear can be a trigger for creative thinking and problem-solving. Too many people assume that if they are afraid, they are going in the wrong direction. Fear doesn’t work like that – in fact, if the thought of making a change or heading in a new direction scares you, it’s a positive sign! It means that you are heading out of your comfort zone, which is a necessary condition for progress. Think back to those times in your life when you had to push yourself through a major challenge. You probably felt a strong sense of fear at times, because you were stepping into the unknown. Never let fear hold you back, and don’t fight against it. Accept it as a natural human response, and focus on moving towards your goal step by step. Everyone feels afraid from time to time. The difference between successful and unsuccessful people is that the former press on anyway and allow their fears to keep them focused on their goals, whereas the latter allow themselves to overthink their situation and become paralyzed. Despair and sadness are harder to channel into success, but with a

bit of imagination they can be a wonderful foundation for selfdiscipline and achievement. For example, let’s say that you have recently gone through a difficult divorce and also lost one of your best friends in the space of a few months. These kinds of events can seriously deplete your focus unless handled properly. A good first step is to remind yourself that everything changes, and that you won’t feel like this forever. When we experience a significant loss, it often triggers a period of intense self-reflection. Losses put life into perspective, and suddenly the things that previously seemed so important feel trivial. When you learn the ability to discern what is actually vital to a good life from what is unnecessary, your focus and time management skills will greatly improve. The “big things” like following your dreams and pursuing goals suddenly come into focus, and trivial activities such as watching TV or gossiping about other people start to fade into the background. You begin to channel your efforts into achieving something worthwhile rather than merely passing time. Self-discipline becomes easier because you get into the habit of paying attention to what is actually going to help you achieve your aims. Have you ever read an inspiring story about someone who achieved a big goal in memory of a friend or relative? Some people find that the worst moments in their lives, such as losing a partner to an illness, can prompt them to succeed in ways they could never have imagined. A common example are people who go from being couch potatoes to marathon runners in order to raise money for a relevant charity. These runners often start out with no athletic interests whatsoever, but the knowledge that they are raising money and awareness in someone’s memory means that they reorder their

priorities. You may also have read about people who become fulltime campaigners following horrific events that have taken place in their lives. These examples are proof that negative feelings can be harnessed in a positive manner. If your goals are creative in nature – for example, you want to write a novel or become a better artist – you’ll be encouraged to know that research demonstrates how negativity can help you! Researchers from Ghent University tracked the daily habits and emotions of 102 full-time creative professionals. They discovered that the participants were most productive on days in which they woke up in a bad mood. This suggests that negative feelings can be directly transformed into creative output.22 Why not immerse yourself in art, music, writing or other similar activity when you next feel angry or sad? Shame is another unpleasant emotion that holds many of us back from engaging with the world and going after what we want. Note that shame isn’t the same as guilt. Guilt is a normal, healthy sensation of having done wrong. Shame, however, is deeper and damages a person’s sense of self. When you feel shame, you are in effect telling yourself “I am a bad person.” It’s hard to put in the work needed to move forward when you have no sense of self-worth. After all, if you think you are fundamentally flawed, you won’t feel that you even deserve to make your life better. The good news is that you can deal with shame and develop a healthier attitude. In her book Daring Greatly, author Brene Brown outlines exactly how we can do this. The first step is to open up to someone else about our feelings, because once we gain a sense of acceptance from someone else we are more likely to forgive ourselves. Ask a non-

judgmental friend to listen to you as you process guilt and shame, or consider seeing a professional counselor if this is a major problem for you. There is no need to carry shame around with you – it doesn’t help anyone, and it certainly won’t help you develop self-discipline. Brown explains that in letting go of shame we grow in compassion, both for ourselves and others. This entails accepting that everyone is human, everyone makes mistakes, and everyone deserves the chance to move on and start again. Remember how we talked about failure earlier on in this book, and established that dwelling on past mistakes drains you of the energy and drive you need to succeed in the present? Conquering shame is an essential step if you want to declutter your mind and focus on what you want most. Whatever you may have done in the past, you still deserve a positive self-image and the chance of success. Choose to see feelings of shame as a valuable opportunity to take on a more realistic view of the world and drop the habit of berating yourself. 22 Bledow, R., Rosing, K., & Frese, M. (2013). A Dynamic Perspective on Affect and Creativity. Academy Of Management Journal, 56, 2, 432-450.

Chapter 17: Sturgeon’s Law & The Pareto Principle

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ave you ever become discouraged when your work doesn’t turn out as you wanted? In this chapter, you’ll learn why it’s completely normal to put in hours, days or even years of work and yet feel as though you are going nowhere. More importantly, you’ll come to realize why coming to terms with this simple truth is actually very empowering and can help you develop greater self-discipline. We are going to look at two ideas which will change the way you approach your work forever – Sturgeon’s Law and the Pareto Principle. In 1958, science fiction author Theodore Sturgeon wrote an article for Venture magazine. He had become increasingly annoyed that critics dismissed science fiction as a low-quality genre, and argued that although it may be true that 90% of science fiction was “crap,” the same rule applied to just about everything else!23 More recently, the philosopher Daniel Dennett identified Sturgeon’s Law as one of the seven key tools for critical thinking,24 proof that it is still influential among academics and writers today. The Pareto Principle is usually stated in somewhat more positive

terms, but the underlying theme is the same. In 1896, Italian economist Vilfredo Pareto published a paper in which he showed that 20% of the Italian people owned 80% of all the land in Italy, and that just 20% of the pea pods growing in his garden yielded 80% of the peas he harvested. In the 20th century, this observation became known as “the 80/20 rule,” or “the law of the vital few.”25 The Pareto Principle has become the basis for a number of business guidelines or rules of thumb. The best-known may be the old adage that states “80% of your business comes from 20% of your customers.” Having learned about Sturgeon’s Law, you may be starting to wonder why anyone should bother putting in lots of time and effort on a project if it’s likely to be rubbish. If whatever you produce stands a 90% chance of being crap, why start at all? The Pareto Principle tells us that only 20% of our efforts are going to yield any significant results, which is slightly more encouraging but is still a little offputting. Yet these theories teach us several valuable lessons, which underline the value of developing self-discipline. First, they encourage us to realize that it is completely normal to work hard and yet be unable to predict what will pay off and what won’t. For example, say that you are an author and are writing a series of books. Over the course of a couple of years you release four novels. Three only sell a few copies, but one is a smash hit and wins you lots of fans. If you hadn’t heard of the Pareto Principle, you might be surprised and disappointed that only a quarter of your published works were successful. You might be discouraged from writing anything else, convinced that you just aren’t talented enough. On the other hand, if you understood the 80/20 rule your perspective would be entirely different. You would be

congratulating yourself on your success and probably feel inspired to write even more books! Keeping your expectations realistic means that isolated triumphs and disasters don’t blow you off course. It helps you keep a broader perspective, which is crucial in maintaining the day-to-day momentum and self-discipline you need to stay on track. Once you accept that only a relatively small proportion of your work will make a difference, you have an incentive to work as hard and as smart as possible. You also have an excellent reason to try as many different approaches as you can if the first, second or third doesn’t work. Successful CEOs are familiar with this concept. That’s why they are willing to take risks on new products and services whilst never giving up when the majority fail. They know full well that noone can be successful most of the time, and that the best way to insulate yourself against disappointment is to anticipate difficulties. The 80/20 rule can also be exciting when you think about it in the right way. Whilst 80% of your work might not land you the results you want, the remaining fifth will propel you forwards towards success. This creates a degree of uncertainty – which projects will flounder, and which will flourish? Although you might wish that you could predict the future, most of us thrive on ambiguity to some extent. Your very best work could be just around the corner. If you don’t stick to your goals and plans, you’ll never know what could have been. Isn’t that a powerful thought? Despite the fact that even top performers fail on a regular basis, they only need one or two major successes to be considered brilliant. This also applies to you. It really doesn’t matter if some of your ideas are lousy, provided you have the self-discipline to just keep going.

Even if what you produce is absolute garbage, taking a positive attitude towards the end result will set you up for eventual success. Just because a project fails or hasn’t turned out quite as you would like doesn’t mean that you cannot learn from it! When something goes wrong, muster the courage to examine why it didn’t work out. Don’t dwell on failure, but always extract the lessons it can teach you. If nothing else, a failed project will have provided you with a chance to practice the art of self-discipline. When you spend several hours each day on a project, you have at least proven to yourself that you have the ability to focus your attention and overcome procrastination, and that is valuable in itself. When you figure out what does work, build on it for repeated success. This may sound obvious – doesn’t everyone know that when something works, the smartest thing to do is replicate it? Unfortunately, this isn’t always easy. It requires self-discipline to take a step back and assess what is moving you towards your goals and what isn’t. The difficulty comes when what you want to work and what actually does work don’t quite align. For example, suppose you found a company that creates and sells video games. You and your fellow founder personally enjoy classic arcade-style games and release three in the first twelve months. At the same time, you have also carried out market research that suggests a car-themed racing game would also sell well, so despite the fact that neither of you particularly enjoy playing or creating games in this genre you also release a racing game. The sales figures are clear – the gaming public much prefer to race onscreen cars than play modern versions of arcade classics. What would you do next? The sensible option would be to further

research what it is that people like so much about racing games and then build on your success by releasing another such game. If you kept the 80/20 rule in mind, you wouldn’t be surprised to learn that most of your sales came from only one of your games. However, if you personally have an emotional tie to arcade games then you might be tempted to build yet another product in this category. Your hope that the next arcade game will be a success overrides your more sensible side that takes notice of the sales figures. Taking an honest look at what is working and what isn’t requires self-discipline and the ability to put your emotional investment to one side. If you’ve ever wondered why this is so difficult to do, know that you are not alone. Humans tend to continue investing in projects or ideas that we have already started or feel an attachment to, whether or not it’s to our own benefit. On occasion, this attachment to a certain outcome can be healthy. The more determined you are to lose weight, the greater the chance that you’ll endure a difficult diet and grueling exercise regimen. People who lose serious amounts of weight through strict diets often gain enough momentum through their commitment and ensuing results that they make a substantial effort to keep the weight off. Unfortunately, we also tend to stick with projects that are going nowhere fast even when they are hurting our bank balance or psychological wellbeing. In layman’s terms, this is known as “throwing good money after bad.” Psychologists call it the “sunk cost fallacy.”26 It might seem ridiculous to onlookers, but when you are invested in a particular outcome it’s hard to admit that you have made the wrong decision. Most of us are proud, and to walk away from a failing project can be painful. Yet if you accept that most of

your efforts are unlikely to give you the results you want, you will be able to acquire the skill of knowing when to give up gracefully. This doesn’t mean celebrating failure, but rather having the wisdom to realize that it benefits you in the long run to sacrifice a fantasy in order to build on what you actually have. As a general rule, training yourself to remain focused on what is going on in the present is a far healthier and more productive way to live than acting on “could bes” and “maybes.” In the next chapter you’ll learn how to implement an Eastern approach to therapy that teaches us to accept reality as it is whilst taking steps to change our lives. 23 Wikipedia. (2017). Sturgeon’s law. wikipedia.org 24 Jones, J. (2013). Daniel Dennett Presents Seven Tools For Critical Thinking. openculture.com 25 Wikipedia. (2017). Pareto principle. wikipedia.org 26 Leahy, R.L. (2014). Letting Go of Sunk Costs. psychologytoday.com

Chapter 18: Morita Therapy

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f you’ve ever been to therapy, you’ll know that the Western school of counseling goes something like this: You and your therapist work together to identify your problems, then your therapist tries to help you conquer them by adjusting your behavior, thoughts, or both. In this chapter, I’m going to outline a different way of working with fear and procrastination that will help you get over mental barriers and sharpen your self-discipline. You will learn about a set of Japanese techniques known as “Morita therapy.” This approach has helped thousands of people to lead calmer, more productive lives. According to the To Do Institute, Morita therapy was founded by a Japanese psychiatrist called Shoma Morita approximately a hundred years ago.27 At first, he was attempting to develop a treatment for anxiety inspired by the teachings of Zen Buddhism. However, his basic ideas gradually spread and are now applied to various psychological problems both in Japan and other countries. Morita built his therapy on the principle of “arugamama,” a Japanese term which in English roughly translates to “the acceptance of the world as it is.” Morita believed that we don’t necessarily have to try and change or process our emotions in order to lead fulfilling and

contented lives. In fact, he emphasized that the best approach was to notice our feelings, accept them, but then move to addressing the steps we then have to take in order to reach a goal. Attempting to force our feelings into something new can compound the issue, because when it doesn’t work we become frustrated and disheartened. We become locked in a destructive cycle whereby we notice negative emotions, dwell on them, stop taking any action, perceive ourselves as failures for not achieving anything, experience more negative emotions, and so on. Morita also put forward a two-part theory of human nature, saying that everyone is driven by two distinct desires. The first desire is to reach our full potential as human beings, a process known as “selfactualization.” This drive is what pushes us to go after our goals and try to be a better person. This underpins self-discipline, especially when we can tap into this desire on a regular basis. Fulfilling our potential, or the idea of chasing achievement, is extremely rewarding. However, we also have another drive that pushes us to remain in one place – a longing for stability and comfort.28 This is why we often feel reluctant to chase any dream that could result in failure, even if intellectually we know that achieving it will bring us closer to the person we want to be. Thoughts can be the enemy of action. Of course you need to think deeply from time to time, but it’s possible to overdo it! As you probably know from experience, when you begin to worry about your worries or subject your fear to in-depth analysis, you don’t often feel better. In fact, you tend to feel worse. Our inner states are difficult to explain away, and you can drive yourself mad if you try. The more you focus on your negative emotions and overthink them, the stronger

they become. It all comes back to making a choice about where you direct your attention. When you choose to think about your current struggles, you are setting yourself up for further anxiety and resistance. On the other hand, Morita therapists believe that once you tune into the underlying desires that actually underpin your anxieties, you can then move onto making practical progress. For example, someone who experiences a lot of anxiety in social situations would be encouraged not to think about the symptoms of panic they feel when interacting with other people, but to instead focus on their desire for better relationships with friends and family. They would then be helped to put together a practical plan for meeting their needs, such as planning outings or practicing conversation skills. Morita therapists do not deny that their clients suffer, but they teach them how to simply “let it be” rather than analyzing the past or encouraging them to dwell on negative experiences. Those who practice Morita therapy believe that the Western approach to mental health and illness encourages people to concentrate too much on labels and not enough on constructive living. If you are suffering with a mental or emotional problem and consult a doctor trained in conventional Western medicine, they are likely to give you a label such as “depressed,” “suffering from OCD,” “suffering from social anxiety,” and so forth. From that point on, the person who has received this label begins to think of themselves in these terms rather than as a powerful individual who can choose to improve their own life. The stigma attached to mental health problems makes things even worse, because the patient not only has to deal with the negative thoughts and behaviors that lead them to seek help in the

first place, but they also begin to obsess over what others think of them. Traditional Morita treatment consists of four stages.29 The first consists of complete rest, in order to help the patient arrive at a state of calm. No stimulating materials such as television are permitted. This break from the usual stresses of day-to-day life enables the patient to become self-aware again and ready to pay attention to what is really important in their lives. After a week of rest, the patient is usually bored and excited to get involved in activities again with even the most mundane of tasks now having fresh appeal. They are now ready for the second and third stages – light activity followed by moderate physical work. Initially they will be asked to take walks outside, reconnecting with the natural world and learning how to live in the present. Does this sound familiar? Remember, Morita was heavily influenced by Zen Buddhism, which teaches that living in the here and now is the most sensible approach to life. After a couple of days the patient will then begin to carry out simple practical tasks such as gardening or cleaning. The idea is that in doing practical work, the patient will learn to switch their focus away from their innermost thoughts and onto the outside world. Although traditional Morita therapy takes place in a residential setting, you don’t have to go anywhere to apply its lessons to your own life. The main takeaway is that action, rather than analysis, is incredibly healing. It may not take away all your self-doubts, sadness and other negative emotions, but it certainly helps you find a sense of meaning. Accept that you may not always want to work or put in

the effort needed to meet your goals. It’s perfectly normal. It doesn’t actually matter how you feel when you get up in the morning. All that actually counts is what you do. This is the very heart of self-discipline - the act of keeping going even when you would rather give up or switch to an easier task. There is no need to feel ashamed of your feelings. The key is to accept them, and just carry on. When you achieve your goal, what’s going to matter? How you felt on a day-today basis, or the fact that you made it in the end? Chances are that you won’t even remember how your mood fluctuated as you took steps towards your goal, but you will certainly remember whether or not you achieved the end result! As you probably don’t have access to a Morita therapist, some selftalk is a useful tool when you need to implement the principles. When you catch yourself resisting work, perhaps because you feel as though you are bound to fail or perhaps because you are obsessively thinking over past memories, take a minute to address yourself out loud. I do this when I hit a slump, and it really works! For example, I recently felt completely unmotivated to write a report up for a client. Remembering what I had learned in my studies of Morita therapy, I sat at my desk and channeled my inner therapist. “Look,” I said to myself, “You don’t feel like working right now. You feel a bit low. That’s fine. You can’t control that. But what you can control is whether you keep going, so do that. Keep on writing.” Talking to yourself may sound a bit strange, but it can make a huge difference. If you work with other people and can’t talk to yourself out loud without risking stares or strange comments, use your inner voice or write some useful phrases on small sticky notes. Once you fully understand the Morita framework, you’ll appreciate

that we don’t have to wait until we feel confident before we take a risk, or be free of anxiety before we do something that scares us. Our feelings fluctuate depending on internal and external circumstances, and at times there is little we can do to control them. Your feelings will no longer be an excuse for why you aren’t acting. This can be a scary thought, so work on shifting your perspective slowly. Think of a small task that makes you feel scared, bored or unhappy in another way. For example, you may know that your closet needs a good clean but the idea makes you feel bored. You know that it won’t be an enjoyable job. Tasks like this are actually a perfect way to embrace Morita principles. In this example, you could tell yourself that whilst the job will be boring, you will do it anyway. As you begin the physical work of sorting through your clothes and shoes, you will find that your internal monologue begins to quieten. If you allow yourself to become fully immersed in the job at hand, you may discover that practical work is soothing when carried out with a mindful attitude. Accepting your feelings is an alien concept to most of us raised in a Western culture. We have been taught that problem-solving is a valuable skill, and that we can apply logical reasoning to our emotions. It’s true that reason is a great tool, but we over-value it in some cases. Think back to those times in your life when you experienced a very strong emotion. Could you have reasoned your way out of it? Probably not. For example, if you experience the breakup of a romantic relationship or the death of a parent, there is not much you can do with those emotions other than let them “just be” and fade away. Ironically, the less you fight against them the quicker they will leave you in peace!

Morita therapy also teaches us that our feelings don’t have to determine the outcome. Yes, your mindset is important – positive thinking will generally yield better results over the long-term. However, the Morita framework proves that even when you are sad or depressed, you can still take constructive action. You can get up in the morning feeling blue but choose to sit with your feelings and get on with your day regardless. Chances are that most of the work you do will be no better or worse, but you will feel better by the end of the day. What’s more, your positive emotions and confidence level will snowball with each productive week as you reap the fruits of your labor. Also, do you remember the study I mentioned in the previous chapter on channeling your negative emotions? Creative people are often most productive when their days begin on a low note! If they can accept their negative feelings, work alongside them and even make them into something wonderful, then so can you. Although it is action-oriented, Morita therapy demonstrates that proper rest is important. Sometimes we need to take a break from our hectic lives before we go mad! There is no virtue in working yourself to the point of burnout and fatigue. In the next chapter, we’ll take a closer look at the signs of burnout and how you can prevent it derailing your self-discipline. 27 To Do Institute. (n.d.). Morita Therapy. todoinstitute.org 28 Morita School. (n.d.). Morita Therapy. moritaschool.com 29 Ishiyama, I. (2003). A Bending Willow Tree: A Japanese (Morita Therapy) Model of Human Nature and Client Change. Canadian Journal of Counselling, 37, 3, 216-231.

Chapter 19: Avoiding Burnout

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o far, this book has focused on how you can remain disciplined even in the face of obstacles and circumstances that deplete your willpower. However, you also need to remember that you can push yourself too far, sometimes with devastating consequences. In this chapter, I’m going to teach you everything you need to know about the curse of those who enjoy high levels of self-discipline - burnout. You’ll learn how to spot the signs, how to recover quickly, and why people can end up emotionally and physically destroyed by their responsibilities. The good news is that even the most stressed and burnt out people can bounce back, but prevention is always better than cure. Let’s clarify what burnout really is. It’s normal to feel stressed from time to time or even on a daily basis if you’re going through a tough period at work or home. When things feel too overwhelming, it seems as though your capacity for action and even rational thought shuts down. Most of us have experienced this kind of “brain freeze” at some point. Usually it lasts for a few minutes, perhaps a couple of hours. Taking a brief break from work or approaching the situation from a different angle is often enough to put us back on course. This temporary state is a protective mechanism. It helps us regain self-

control and decreases anxiety levels. However, when someone burns out this kind of recovery is impossible. A burnt out person has reached breaking point. They can no longer physically or mentally cope with all the demands life is throwing their way. In extreme cases, they may have to seek psychiatric help and take an extended leave of absence from work. Burnout is both a physical and mental state that encompasses exhaustion, low mood, feelings of hopelessness, and a lack of ability to make decisions.30 The stereotypical image of burnout in popular culture is the executive who takes on far too much work, putting in 16-hour days until they “snap” or “go mad.” However, you can suffer burnout as a full-time parent or part-time employee – it all depends on your coping skills, personality, and how much pressure you place on yourself. To make matters worse, someone suffering burnout often interprets it as a reflection on their capabilities or worth as a person. They may see others around them who appear to be coping just fine, and wonder what it is that they lack. The irony is that it tends to be high achievers with great self-discipline who are the most prone to burnout in the first place. When you are unafraid to take on demanding roles and push yourself to the limit, you may be tempted to skimp on rest and relaxation. In the short term this can be a reasonable strategy. For example, if you are in the closing stages of a large-scale business deal, it won’t do you much harm to put in a few late nights. It’s when work-life imbalance becomes a normal way of life that problems arise. As you develop your self-discipline, you need to be careful not to stretch yourself too far. Fortunately, burnout doesn’t happen randomly or suddenly. No-one feels fine on a Monday then becomes burnt out on Tuesday. This means that as

long as you keep an eye on how you are feeling, burnout is entirely preventable. Odd as it may sound, in order to stop burnout you need to harness your self-discipline, albeit in a different direction! The trick is that along with the ability to get things done, you also need to develop the knack of saying “no” to tasks and projects that will leave you drained whilst sticking to a healthy routine. It’s absolutely essential that you sleep at least six hours per night, drink enough water throughout the day to remain hydrated, and eat well-balanced meals. This might not sound very exciting when you are in the middle of an all-consuming project, but you won’t be able to make good decisions and perform to a high level if you are tired and malnourished. Remember that your willpower is depleted when you are fatigued, so regular sleep and meals that provide you with a steady stream of energy will raise your chances of success. Commit to making time for relaxation and fun! If you bombard yourself with endless tasks and difficult decisions all day every day, it’s inevitable that you will burn out. Having some downtime isn’t just fun and good for morale, it’s also necessary for ensuring optimum performance. Even Shaolin monks and members of the Special Forces aren’t expected to train or work all day every day. They know that too much mental and physical pressure is detrimental to their determination and self-control. When you do make time to relax, ensure that you do it properly. Don’t keep checking your phone for notifications, and don’t allow yourself to worry about your latest work project. Apply the principles of Morita therapy and give yourself a break from the stress of the outside

world when you start to feel overwhelmed. Keeping your troubles in perspective will stop you attaching too much meaning to your thoughts, and in turn keep your anxiety levels manageable. When you are in the middle of a major project or stressing yourself out over problems in your personal life, it’s easy to forget that in the grand scheme of things your issues are pretty insignificant. Of course, you want to do your best and strive for success, but even if you fail it isn’t the end of the world. You can try again, and failure needn’t define you. Often it isn’t the workload itself that drives people to burnout – it’s how they choose to think about it. Again, it all comes down to choice in how you frame your experiences. You can choose to view your work as a burden that will inevitably cause you a lot of stress. Alternatively, you can apply what you have learned about positive thinking and decide that although a project might demand a lot of effort from you at the moment, in the long run it will pay dividends. You can also use your self-discipline to help you manage your workload, which will lower your stress levels and help you spot potential problems before they start. If you give in to procrastination and trivial distractions, the important stuff will pile up. You will then be forced to put in more hours than you would like over a shorter period of time, which may result in burnout that needn’t have happened in the first place! When you are excited and motivated at the start of a project, you may fall into the trap of thinking that everything will somehow fit together and get done. This is a mistake. Even the most competent, brilliant people need a framework of some kind to perform at a high level.

The most effective practical solution to this common problem is scheduling. Take action immediately at the beginning of a project by establishing the exact steps you need to take along with a realistic estimate of how much time you will need to put in. If you aren’t sure, ask someone more knowledgable and experienced for help. If in doubt, assume that tasks will take roughly one and a half times as long as you originally thought. This is a win-win approach – if you finish early, you can use the extra time to relax or get a head start on the next step. If you take longer than you originally planned, you can feel safe in the knowledge that you accounted for this eventuality at the beginning. I find this kind of scheduling particularly helpful when it comes to writing up various kinds of reports and compiling presentations. When I first began working as a freelance consultant, I had to guess roughly how long it would take me to produce a document. Working blind like this forced me to work late nights to get a project done or alternatively leave me with gaps in my schedule when I finished early! Over time, I’ve learned that keeping a simple spreadsheet of tasks together with the time it usually takes is really helpful in planning my upcoming week. Sometimes I wish I’d asked other people working in my field how long I should allow for certain tasks, but then again there’s no substitute for learning the hard way through personal experience. You’d think that planning out upcoming work is an obvious strategy, but people often fail to sit down and do it. Why? Usually, the answer can be explained in one word – fear. Scheduling means looking closely at a project and allowing the reality of the situation to really sink in – you are going to have to work hard, there are going to be

challenges, and there’s always the chance that it won’t go to plan. The only solution is to acknowledge these feelings, sit with them, and take action regardless. You will never wake up one morning and suddenly feel confident about that tricky assignment you’ve been delaying. In fact, your anxiety will only worsen until you suck it up, set aside ten minutes and commit your thoughts to paper (or screen). Appreciate this early on in your career and you’ll be more productive and less stressed than the majority of your co-workers. As you can see, there are plenty of practical tips and techniques you can use for preventing burnout. But what if you are already there, feeling utterly exhausted and sick at the thought of yet another day at work? Like it or not, you are going to have to take some time to give your mind and body some rest. If someone told you that they had suffered a heart attack or broken their arm, you wouldn’t judge them for taking some time off. The same logic applies to victims of burnout, including you. Just one week can be enough to restore your mental balance, but you need to be upfront with your employer (if you have one), clients (if you are a freelancer) and doctor. It’s your responsibility to seek the help you need. Fortunately, employers are increasingly concerned about work-life balance and many will understand if you are suffering signs of burnout. Depending on who is most approachable, talk with your manager or a member of staff from HR. They may ask you to provide a doctor’s note depending how severe your symptoms are and how much sick leave you will require. This is standard procedure, and doesn’t mean that they don’t believe you. As you recover from burnout, take some time to reflect on what you

could learn from the experience. Burnout does not mean you are failure or cannot cope with your job. However, it’s a sure sign that the way you approach your work needs to change. Just as with any other lifestyle shift, self-discipline and a willingness to learn from what has gone wrong will help you make constructive changes. Think back on the signs that you were heading for burnout, and come up with a list of strategies that could prevent it happening again. For example, if your burnout was triggered when your colleague went on maternity leave and you volunteered to take over her workload, you need to think carefully about how you schedule tasks in the future. Striking the balance between pushing yourself to the limit and safeguarding your mental health is a skill, and sometimes it requires taking a few knocks along the way. 30 Carter, D. (2013). The Tell Tale Signs of Burnout..Do You Have Them? psychologytoday.com

Chapter 20: Why You Resist Change – The Status Quo Bias Now that you are nearing the end of this book, you will have learned almost everything you need to know in order to boost your selfdiscipline and harness it to achieve your goals. However, from time to time you may still run up against a mental block. You might know precisely what you want to achieve, have mastered the art of taking action even when you don’t feel like it, and conquered your fear of failure. Yet some invisible force might be holding you back. This can be very frustrating, but it’s quite common to feel this way. In this chapter, you’ll learn about a psychological phenomenon known as the “status quo bias” and how it can undermine even the most determined and self-disciplined of individuals. Fortunately, once you are aware of how it operates you can strike back and regain the selfdiscipline needed to reach your goals. Psychologists have always been interested in self-defeating behaviors. One of the most famous examples is the sunk cost fallacy. The status quo bias is less well-known but still essential knowledge for anyone interested in self-development. It explains why we tend to remain stuck in a particular situation even when we tell

everyone else (and ourselves!) that we’d rather have or be something else. You will have experienced this for yourself if you have stayed around in a relationship that was well past its natural expiration date, or remained in a boring job even though you had the chance to go after a new position. Simply put, the status quo bias describes the human tendency to prefer what they already have or what is familiar rather than pursue the unknown. Just like the Pareto Principle, it has its roots in economics rather than psychology. Back in 1988, economists William Samuelson and Richard Zeckhauser published a series of studies in the Journal of Risk and Uncertainty. They pointed out that although economic theory tries to predict how people will choose between two or more alternatives, in the real world people often elect to do nothing and carry on as before.31 So why is it that so many of us stick with the same old people, jobs, and even ambitions? Several reasons have been put forward to explain this phenomenon.32 First, consider loss aversion theory. Humans are very sensitive to any possibility that they may lose something, even if that “something” (such as a mediocre job or lousy relationship) really wasn’t that great in the first place. It often takes a lot of evidence that an alternative is actually going to improve our lives before we make a leap of faith. Despite the fact that making a change often leads to a more positive outcome, people tend to assume on a subconscious level that any form of change is “bad” and threatening. Change – even when it’s positive, such as the change that comes with getting married or moving to a nicer home – requires effort and thought. This represents a very real cost, and sometimes we don’t feel like paying it.

Another factor behind the status quo bias is a fear of regret. No-one likes to feel as though they have made a poor choice, because typically they believe it reflects badly on them as an individual. They may also worry that other people will judge them for being stupid or ignorant. Therefore, they default to simply sticking with what they already know. They may worry that if they take a risk and actually make changes, it’ll backfire in some way and they won’t be any better off. The reality is that failure is never final. You can always try a new angle or set yourself a new, more attainable goal. Sometimes we believe that if we make a mistake, we can’t be trusted to try new things ever again. The mere exposure effect is another powerful mind trick that can keep you locked into the same old beliefs, behaviors and routines. Research spanning several decades has demonstrated that the more we encounter a particular phenomenon, the more likely we are to accept and like it. For example, a classic study from the 1960s showed that the more often participants were exposed to words and symbols, the more likely they were to develop a positive attitude towards them.33 You may have noticed that the more you interact with a particular person, the more you grow to like them. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule, but in general, the more time we spend in a situation the more we tend to assume that even if it isn’t exactly what we want, it’s at least “OK” or “good enough.” The mere exposure effect can work both for and against you. If you are working towards developing better habits and leading a life of self-discipline, here’s the good news: When self-control becomes your new normal, you’ll be less likely to revert back to your old ways. The more time you spend in a positive frame of mind, the more likely it is

that an upbeat approach to life will seem “right” and comfortable. On the other hand, your natural human tendency towards sticking with the status quo and favoring your old habits means that making changes can be challenging. You may not want to laze around in bed all morning on a Saturday, but if it’s what you’ve done for years then you’ll have to fight hard against your status quo bias! Remind yourself that the more often you get up early, the easier it will become. Now that you understand how and why the status quo bias is so common, think about those times in your past when you have been faced with a tough decision or the chance to change your life. On reflection, do you think that this maladaptive kind of thinking could have played a role? Perhaps you found yourself saying things like “Well, that’s the way I’ve always done it,” or “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!” The status quo bias might keep you safe, but it will also keep you trapped in the same situation. It can also breed regret in the long term. One of the worst feelings in the world arises when you look back over your life and regret the chances you never took. Fortunately, a little self-awareness will help you make better choices in the future. From now on, you are going to draw upon your rational decisionmaking abilities to help you shape the life you want. Whenever you face a choice between sticking with what you currently have and pursuing a new situation or goal, challenge yourself to complete the following exercise. You need to draw up a four-part list that will force you to see your own thoughts laid out in a logical manner. Divide a page into

quarters. Use them to write out the following: Advantages of the status quo, Disadvantages of the status quo, Advantages to the alternative under consideration, and Disadvantages to the alternative under consideration. Give yourself at least ten minutes to complete your lists. Let yourself sleep on what you have written, then return to them the following day. Ask a trusted friend or relative to help you if you worry that you’ll overlook something, or if you just want a second opinion. Do bear in mind that everyone falls victim to the status quo bias from time to time, so be discerning when taking advice from others. Remember that your feelings should not have the final say in your decisions. You now know that negative feelings are not a problem – you can live with them and take action anyway. You can also channel the positive energy that moves you closer towards your goals. Or, of course, you can do both! It’s normal to feel anxiety at the thought of making even constructive changes that will benefit you in the long run. Remind yourself that you can choose to acknowledge doubts and then act as though you are unafraid. Taking action will show you that there is often little to fear anyway, and much of your worries are usually the result over-thinking and pessimism. Yes, everything could go wrong – but then again, everything could go right! In some instances, it doesn’t matter whether you fall back on the status quo bias. If you are choosing a sandwich for lunch, whether you stick with your usual cheese filling or try the chicken mayonnaise probably won’t alter the course of your life. However, revisiting these small decisions is a good way to practice taking a more rational approach to making choices. Get into the habit of questioning those parts of your day-to-day routine that usually go unexamined. You will

learn the art of actively noticing your habits – both good and bad – and pursuing alternatives. It may shock you to realize that you have been doing the same things over and over again for months or even years. In all likelihood, you drink the same kind of coffee or tea every morning, buy the same brand of toothpaste every time you go to the store, and go to the same restaurants whenever you go out to eat. Don’t feel bad – most of us fall into a rut because we don’t even consider challenging the status quo! Yet if you want to take charge of your life, you must be more proactive in monitoring your habits and taking care not to fall into the same old routine. Begin on a small scale by challenging yourself to listen to a new radio station, trying a new place to eat, or buying a piece of clothing that isn’t your usual style. Be willing to embrace the possibility that mixing things up is the best (and perhaps only) way of making progress. Once you prove to yourself that change can be good, this will start to shape how you approach more important issues such as making a career change, leaving an unhealthy relationship, or overhauling your diet. Our habits and embedded preferences keep us locked in the same old routines, day in and day out. You can now appreciate why trying to change one area of your life in isolation seldom works. For example, if you want to get into the habit of going to the gym three nights a week after work, this is unlikely to be successful if you stick with your usual routine of only getting six hours of sleep, eating junk food, and working too hard at the office. It’s better to aim for a more thoughtful, self-aware and self-disciplined approach to life in general rather than forcing change in one area.

When you recognize and eliminate your status quo bias, selfdiscipline and commitment to your goals will seem easier. If you favor what is familiar and “safe,” you will find it hard to start a new routine that could change your life in any significant way. Remaining open to new ways of living leaves you free to focus on what you want rather than fixating on safeguarding what you already have. It makes you less afraid of failure and instead fills you with a sense of excitement at what lies ahead. It’s then up to you to take action and go after what you really want! 31 Samuelson, W., & Zeckhauser, R. (1988). Status Quo Bias in Decision Making. Journal of Risk and Uncertainty, 1, 7-59. 32 Anderson, C.J. (2003). The psychology of doing nothing: Forms of decision avoidance result from reason and emotion. Psychological Bulletin, 129, 1, 139-167. 33 Zajonc, R.B. (1968). Attitudinal Effects of Mere Exposure. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology Monograph Supplement, 9, 2, 1-27.

Chapter 21: The Dunning-Kruger Effect

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hen you start learning how to control yourself around temptation and build on your capacity for self-discipline, you’ll begin to feel better about yourself. This is only natural, because being able to focus your attention and smash your goals is incredibly rewarding. You definitely deserve to be congratulated, so don’t be afraid to give yourself some praise and a few rewards from time to time. However, this book ends on a cautionary note. As you become more confident in your ability to control yourself and lead a disciplined life, it’s wise to remain realistic when assessing your own competence. In this chapter, you’ll learn about what can happen when people lose the ability to accurately assess their competence, and how you can guard against it. Everyone has at least one friend, relative or colleague who is out of touch with reality when it comes to appraising their own skills. For example, most of us have a family member who describes themselves as having “a great sense of humor” yet tells only terrible jokes. You may have a more realistic grasp on your own aptitude, but it’s useful to remember that in general people tend to overestimate their competence across a variety of domains. The Dunning-Kruger Effect refers to an instance whereby an

individual is not only incompetent in one or more areas, but also fails to realize just how limited their ability really is. Someone suffering from this problem therefore has what is known as a “double burden.” They will keep making mistakes in the same area over and over again, and will also struggle to correct them because they lack insight into their own deficiencies.34 Rather than look to improve their skills, those afflicted will sincerely believe that they are more than capable and any negative outcomes are the result of bad luck. Justin Kruger and David Dunning, two psychologists based at Cornell University, have found that this phenomenon shows up when you test people on their grammatical knowledge, logic skills, and humor. It turns out that those objectively measured as being the worst at these skills (i.e. they score in the bottom 25% of their demographic) are the least likely to judge their performance with any degree of accuracy.35 This is because they have weak or nonexistent metacognition, metamemory, and metacomprehension. They don’t seem to be able to think properly about their own thinking processes, or take a critical view of their own understanding. In short, they lack the the ability to monitor their own performance. Kruger and Dunning use the example of grammar. To write a wellstructured sentence you need to remember how to implement the rules of grammar, how to rectify any mistakes, and how to tell the difference between grammatically correct and incorrect sentences. You need sound underlying knowledge if you are to pass accurate judgment on any given sentence – the very same knowledge that you need in order to establish whether your own opinion is right! Before this theory became widely known, psychologists had already established that most people think they are better than average on

many dimensions, including leadership potential and written expression.36 The Dunning-Kruger effect is just an extreme version of this common human tendency. It can have significant implications in a range of settings. For instance, you may have come across members of senior management teams who appear completely incompetent yet have secured numerous promotions. If you remember that incompetent people are blissfully unaware of their ignorance and shortcomings whereas the more able are relatively modest, suddenly this phenomenon doesn’t seem quite so mysterious. So how does this relate to self-discipline? If you think of self-discipline and self-control as skills – and they are indeed skills, just like playing an instrument - you will realize that it’s possible to overestimate your ability in these areas. If you catch yourself thinking that you have truly mastered the art of resisting temptation and remaining productive at all times, watch out! You may be right, but on the other hand, you might be completely unaware that you have a long way to go in this area. This research implies that the more you know about a subject or the more proficient you become in a particular skill, the less willing you are to label yourself an “expert.” It’s a kind of paradox – the more you know, the more you appreciate that there is still a lot more to learn! It’s about striking a balance between maintaining a positive selfimage as a competent person whilst at the same time being willing to take on board objective feedback. This will ensure that you never slip into complacency and become one of those smug, annoying people who aren’t even aware of their own deficiencies.

What do I mean by “objective feedback”? It can take the form of number-based goals such as money earned or projects completed. It can also take the form of unbiased assessment of your efforts by strangers. For example, let’s say you think that you are a good driver. As a result, you apply to take an advanced driving test in order to gain a driving qualification that reduces your insurance premium or gives you the chance to get a driving-based job. During the test, the driving instructor tells you in no uncertain terms that you have a way to go before you will reach the standard they are looking for. This kind of reality check can be harsh, but we all need someone or something to bring us back down to earth. It can prompt us to think about where we are going, and how we can improve. Along with objective feedback, the best defence against the DunningKruger effect is to pursue self-development and always strive for improvement. The better you are at something, the better your ability to judge your own competence. Therefore, you need to take every opportunity to hone and practice your skills whenever possible. Dunning and Kruger discovered that when they trained research participants in the art of solving logic problems, they not only solved more problems but also gained insight into how their performance ranked in comparison to others. This finding doesn’t just apply to laboratory tasks, but is also relevant to everyday skills and the pursuit of goals. As far as self-discipline is concerned, it’s a case of implementing the techniques outlined in this book – learning how to continue working even when you don’t feel like it, channeling your negative feelings, thinking positively, and so on – on a regular basis. Your self-awareness will grow along with your competence. The

most self-disciplined people will never tell you that they don’t get distracted or never have a bad day. Having worked hard to become focused and productive, they appreciate how far they have come whilst never losing sight of the potential for further improvement. Adopt a “keep on learning” policy. Whether you want to learn a martial art, further your career or take up a new hobby, never assume that you’ve learned or seen it all. Thanks to the internet it’s never been easier to access all the information and tutorials you could ever need. Why not start an online course or download an app designed to help you improve your knowledge or skills in only a few minutes a day? Many are free and also provide you with objective feedback. For example, language-learning apps often keep a log of your test scores. This will prevent you from becoming overconfident whilst also allowing you to celebrate your progress over time. Along with keeping a record of concrete goals and results, you can guard yourself against the Dunning-Kruger Effect by engaging with other people who are already where you want to be, and calibrating your skills against theirs. Note that this doesn’t give you licence to start comparing yourself and then being disappointed when you fall short of your idols. However, keeping an eye on the distance between where you currently are and where you want to end up will keep you rooted in reality. If you can talk or write to someone you consider a leader or aspirational figure, ask them whether they consider themselves an expert in what they do. Chances are that they’ll tell you in no uncertain terms that there’s still a lot left for them to learn! The most inspirational leaders are often the most humble. Not only do they admit that their knowledge is limited, but they will also be the first to talk about the importance of enduring failure in

pursuit of success. Now that you know about the Dunning-Kruger Effect, you’ll start spotting it everywhere you go. You might be tempted to point out particular instances, especially in people you don’t like. Draw on your willpower and resist the urge! Not only is it impossible to objectively prove that any one individual is suffering from the Dunning-Kruger Effect, but your analysis won’t exactly make you popular even if you do happen to be right. The human ego is a fragile thing. We all like to think that we are special in some way, which is probably why most of us like to think we are somehow more skilled and logical than the average individual. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that just because you know the psychology behind it, you are in some way immune to this phenomenon. However successful you may become, don’t forget that you are only human. Finally, you can also use this theory to reassure yourself whenever you experience a period of self-doubt. It isn’t fun to question your competence and pick over every little mistake or flaw, but at least it’s a sign that you aren’t overconfident. Ideally, you’ll end up with a positive self-image and yet still question yourself from time to time. Remember that no-one is perfect, but that’s actually one of the great things about life – without room to improve and grow, where would we be? Remain mindful, stay positive, bounce back from failure, and know that you can always push further. May you enjoy your successes, learn from each experience, and always set yourself high standards! One last thing before you go – Can I ask you a favor? I need your help! If you like this book, could you please share your experience HERE on Amazon and write an honest review? It will be just one

minute for you (I will be happy even with one sentence!), but a GREAT help for me and definitely good Karma

. Since I’m not a well-

established author and I don’t have powerful people and big publishing companies supporting me, I read every single review and jump around with joy like a little kid every time my readers comment on my books and give me their honest feedback! If I was able to inspire you in any way, please let me know! It will also help me get my books in front of more people looking for new ideas and useful knowledge. If you did not enjoy the book or had a problem with it, please don’t

hesitate

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at [email protected] and tell me how I can improve it to provide more value and more knowledge to my readers. I’m constantly working on my books to make them better and more helpful. Thank you and good luck! I believe in you and I wish you all the best on your new journey! Your friend, Ian 34 Dunning, D. (2011). The Dunning-Kruger Effect: On Being Ignorant of One’s Own Ignorance. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 44, 247. 35 Kruger, J., & Dunning, D. (1999). Unskilled and Unaware of It: How Difficulties in Recognizing One’s Own Incompetence Lead to Inflated Self-Assessments. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 77, 6, 1121-1134. 36 Ibid, p.1122.

The Power of Mental Discipline A Practical Guide to Controlling Your Thoughts, Increasing Your Willpower and Achieving More

Chapter 1: The Power of Mental Discipline

M

ental discipline is one of those traits we hear a lot about. Go ahead and check out any motivational page on social media, any guide to gaining success/wealth/lovers, or any list to successful people and it’ll come up almost every time. You’ll see words like “work hard,” “don’t stop,” and “believe in yourself”. These are the actions you need to take, but they all stem from the same place. It’s a place I’ve spent plenty of time working on in my own life after the people who mentored me drilled it into my psyche. Even now, I can remember the first time I heard the words clearly when one of those mentors – a former special forces operator – was being asked about the most important individual trait to possess in the special forces world. “Self-Discipline” Quite clear and concise, isn’t it? But what does it mean? Well, the journalist wanted to know too, so the answer was explained. The exact words have been lost to time, but the message was simple; it’s the ability to push yourself with no outside encouragement or instructions. It’s the ability to persevere and believe when all else seems to be falling apart. It’s the ability to stay positive and adapt in the face of challenges or to push yourself when nobody else is

watching. In a nutshell, discipline is the core trait behind those skills, which will make a difference in high-pressure situations. Special forces units are trained to deal with the most extreme high-pressure situations in the worst of settings. These soldiers could find themselves deep behind enemy lines when things go wrong, with almost no help of any type. They are specialists who can deal with these situations and still get the job done – no matter what goes wrong along the way. What Mental Discipline Means People will often ask a successful businessman or athlete how they manage to keep on driving through to achieve their goals. After all, we all think we want to live the lives of the super-rich. The truth is that most people are only looking at the rewards and not the work that goes into getting there. Elon Musk is a great example of this. He’s mega rich, being worth over $20 billion, and is known all over the world already thanks to his innovative creations. To top it off, his last few relationships have all been with young, super attractive actresses and singers. There are plenty of men out there who’d love to have these perks and many women who’d love the opposite too. What they don’t see is that Elon has always had an insane work ethic. He taught himself how to program a computer at age 10 and had sold his first program at 12. Read that again. He didn’t only succeed as a programmer at age 12, but he taught it to himself in 2 years! He also overcame teen years full of relentless bullying, then left the country against his dad’s wishes to start fresh in Canada –

age 17. The high-risk plays continued with several business launches, and Musk invested a ridiculous amount of hard work to get where he is today. Even now, 30 years later, he still keeps a busy schedule. Word is that he has cut back a little though, having “easier” 90-hour work weeks. Imagine if you had $20 billion, 5 kids, and an insanely hot girlfriend to see – how tough would you find it to get out of bed and take on a 14-hour day early in the morning? Or to crank it up during important times and take to just sleeping in your office so every moment was spent on work? What is it that keeps Elon Musk going day after day, instead of just riding into the sunset and enjoying his rewards? It’s discipline. That powerful, self-imposed trait of mental discipline is what keeps somebody like this going. It’s what made Michael Jordan one of the greatest basketball players of all time when he continued the habit of constant practice from childhood into his late career. The Williams sisters also grew up living the sport of tennis day after day, before and after school, to become the dominant players they became. All of this comes under the ability to motivate yourself, to discipline yourself into doing whatever is necessary. That might be long, hard practice in the times when nobody is watching. It may mean making your own plans and taking the chance without instruction from the outside. It can mean digging deep to endure any level of pain or hardship as you continue pushing through regardless - much like the soldier mentioned earlier would have done.

See, mental discipline is the underlying factor that fuels the traits of successful people. It’s the reason they can endure, it’s the driving force behind the desire to learn, it’s the biggest reason why successful people will continue to work hard when they could just as easily quit and cash out. Effort Versus Talent The biggest problem with many people today is that they believe success generally comes down to either luck or talent. It doesn’t. Firstly, luck is a random factor. Of course, there is going to be a very tiny minority who will actually succeed purely to luck. These are the lottery winners, the lucky gamblers, and the reality TV stars of the modern age. For most of these people, success will be fleeting. Lottery winners, for example, have a tendency to go broke. This is because they never learned the ability to handle money on the way to their riches, nor did they learn the value of the work that would go into it. Because of that, they tend to waste the cash and run out long before they should have. Other times it’s lost by descendants, on poor ventures, or the cash simply runs out because there isn’t an ability to earn more with it. The effort and struggles, which so many successful people have been through, are character building experiences. They’re the reason these people now have mental toughness, a sharp business mind, and the ability to take calculated risks. It’s the reason they have the discipline to be smart with their money and also the reason they value their success. Those hard times, which had to be endured at some point, are all part of the real cost behind success. Talent is similar. It can be spectacular. Many people out there have

some level of talent, but it’s hard work and discipline that are needed for success. Most athletes have a common theme of constant hard work from a very young age. This is what it takes to become an Olympian, a Hall of Famer, or a World Record holder. A study by Stanford professor Carol Dweck explored the effects of talent versus effort in 1999. The study was created to explore what effects praise could have on children and their ability to perform academically. In the study, a random group of school children was divided in half and given an IQ test. One group was then praised for their results by being told they must be talented or smart to achieve the scores they had. The other group was praised for their hard work, which, they were told, must have been the reason they achieved their scores. After this, they were given the choice of taking a similarly difficult test or a tougher one. In the group praised for talent, the majority chose to take a similar test. The belief is that this relates to their perception of having achieved well because of innate talent. A harder test would, therefore, be harder to get the same score on. Meanwhile, the second group almost entirely chose to take the more difficult test. Again, the hypothesis is that the belief in hard work drove these children to believe they could achieve more by attempting more difficult challenges. It’s pretty easy to see how something like this can relate to ambition and drive. A belief in hard work, in discipline and effort, is important if you want to fuel ambition. High achievers are almost never created without discipline and drive. Breaking Barriers

Another way mental discipline is manifested into real-world success is through belief. There are lots of individuals who overcame extremely limiting circumstances to become some of the best in the world at what they do. Stephen Hawking is a good example. Here’s an absolute genius, one of the smartest minds of our time, who also happened to be diagnosed with ALS at the age of 21. At the time, he was told he could expect to live another couple of years as his physical abilities would decline rapidly. Despite losing almost all ability to move or talk over the coming decades, Stephen survived for another 55 years and used his time to think deeply on matters of physics, creating a number of popular theories within the subject. Could he have done this if he simply accepted defeat and lost the drive and discipline to continue? Unlikely. How about Roger Bannister, the first man to run a four-minute mile? For centuries it was considered impossible, but from a young age, Roger would insist he was going to accomplish it – and he did. In 1954 he broke the four-minute barrier for the first time ever. What stands out about this story isn’t that Bannister managed to beat the time. It’s that his record was broken a couple of months later and that a year later there were three people breaking the four-minute mark in a single race! In the modern day, it’s not even considered that spectacular anymore. Again, what was it that caused this? Did runners suddenly become better at around the same time? No, but their belief in achieving a fast mile definitely did. Their belief that four minutes was possible, was doable, and could even be beaten, was incredibly solid. The effect of mental discipline works in the same way. It’s having an

unshakeable belief in the possibility of something, and in your ability to achieve it – but this time before the tangible results exist. By creating a solid mental image and drilling the right beliefs into your mind, you can hone this level of discipline. You can use it as a weapon, as part of your toolkit for life, and towards achieving anything you have ever wanted. Know this though – discipline is not an easy trait to master. It is a simple one because there isn’t much complexity to it. What it does require is effort and consistency, day after day and moment after moment. Soon we will get to the process of creating and maintaining mental discipline, broken down for you into helpful and practical steps. But remember, this isn’t a guide to fast success, because no such thing exists. For your part of the bargain, you’ll need to put in the effort not only when you’re motivated but also when you’re tired or stressed – and I will teach you in this guide how to deal with stress, tiredness, and other issues. After all, nobody can be happy and motivated all the time, but to succeed, you need the ability to push through these difficulties. That’s what mental discipline truly is.

Chapter 2: Self Belief The world is full of big, beautiful structures, some of which look like miracles of engineering in the way they’re built. Creations like the Palm Islands in Dubai, or the Channel Tunnel, look miraculous because until they were created, most people wouldn’t believe the ideas to be possible. This rings true for plenty of other structures as well – the Burj Khalifa, the Large Hadron Collider, International Space Station, and more. Yet all of these creations start in similar ways – as an idea. Now it’s probably not big news to you that people have ideas every day, all over the world. Some are good, some are bad, others are great, terrible, or anything in between. What matters most though isn’t the idea, it’s the action taken on that idea. Action is what bring things to life, it’s what turns an idea from a possibility into reality. With some ideas, it’s easy to do this. If your idea is to buy product A and try to sell it to your friends, then that’s a pretty simple idea to bring to life. It still takes action though, and many people just don’t ever take the steps that are needed to bring their ideas to life – regardless of whether the idea is simple or not. So what is it that allows some people to take the action needed and get their idea off the ground? Whether the idea sounds simple or

complicated, the answer is the same. These people have self-belief and they believe in their ideas! If you’ve got a simple idea that you really believe in, you’ll take the action needed. Think about it. Imagine you’ve discovered a product that you just know people will love. You have a gut feeling, deepseated belief that this is going to be hot and popular. So, you go ahead and stock up, maybe even create a brand or company to sell as, and begin looking for customers. Congratulations, you’re now in business and taking action. Why? Well, I can tell you now it isn’t because your idea was good, whatever that means. People who believe in an idea being good or bad are usually relying on luck. They’re looking for an idea, and opportunity, which is a sure thing – and these don’t exist. When Bill Gates first created Windows, he didn’t do it in a world that wanted his operating system. He did it in a world where most people didn’t even know what an operating system could be, but he did it in the belief that his system would be needed and popular as times changed – and he was right. When Steve Jobs created the first iPhone, he did it going against the trend of what phones were supposed to be at the time. He created a unique brand based on his belief that people would value his brand identity and his unique touch, and buy his products because of that. Both Jobs and Gates were working based on their own ideas and their own information. Of course, they would have studied the marketplace first to create their ideas. They would, in fact, have studied it deeply enough to fuel their own belief in the products they were creating. Make no mistake though, it was this belief that fuelled

them and led to the success of their ideas. You see, all success starts with the belief – in the idea and in yourself. You can’t push yourself to develop an idea, a business, or even your health and relationships if you don’t believe you have the ability to accomplish what’s in front of you. That’s where it all starts. Even the Palm Islands and the Channel Tunnel had a first step, a first stone to be laid, or the first area to be dug out. Once a plan is in place, everything can be broken down into steps and the next task in front of you. Before you can complete that task though, you need to have an unshakeable belief in the worthiness of your idea and your ability to pull it off. The Relationship Between Self-Belief and Confidence Confidence is an area of self-improvement that people focus massively on – and with good reason. Who doesn’t want to be more confident, right? More confidence means you’re less afraid of failure, you’re more willing to try new ideas, and that you work harder when you apply yourself. Sounds great, doesn’t it? Who wouldn’t want all of that?! What I’m here to tell you is that confidence isn’t something you find! It’s something you create, something you build from within – and it starts with self-belief. If you believe yourself to be a problem solver or a hard worker, you’ll stick with things when they become difficult and try your best to find a way through. On the other hand, if you believe you don’t try hard enough and don’t have the ability to solve problems, then you’re a lot more likely to give up in times of difficulty. This carries through all areas of life. People who don’t believe they’re

attractive tend to get less dating opportunities because the lack of belief prevents them from putting themselves out there. In social situations, it isn’t a type of personality or interest that makes people popular, it’s their confidence in themselves and their belief that they are interesting people. With the belief in place, people become more social and share their interests and opinions. A belief in their own ability to hold a good conversation leads to more, and deeper, conversations taking place. All of this then fuels the belief further, because it’s proven to be true. This cycle continues and creates powerful confidence in the social area. The same works for other areas of life; self-belief gives you the confidence to give it your best instead of a weak, half-hearted effort. On the flipside, imagine a person who doesn’t believe in their social skills. This lack of belief leads to low confidence. With constant doubts on whether they’ll be liked as a person, or whether they’re interesting enough, these people avoid the risk of a bad interaction and

hold

themselves

back.

They

don’t

really

engage

in

conversations and they don’t really open up about themselves. Where does this lead? Well, how would you react to a quiet, moody looking stranger who doesn’t try to interact with you? Let’s say you take the chance and introduce yourself anyway. The person you’re talking to responds but is very awkward about it and gives short answers with no real info. They’re giving you no information, not really asking any questions, or not taking the convo any deeper – how likely are you to become friends? Not very, right? This is the effect of low confidence and a lack of self-belief. The impact goes further too. For the person who is lacking belief, the

interaction has just gone pretty badly. They’re left feeling awkward and unsure, glad that the chat has already ended, and left with confirmation that they aren’t likable or sociable. This reinforces the lack of belief and creates a negative spiral instead of the positive cycle that begins with self-belief. A lot of the time when we look around us, the people who are successful or unsuccessful are created by these spirals, whether they’re good or bad. There are so many successful people out there who had their self-belief protected and nurtured as children. Their personalities are formed in a way that supports an adventurous, confident lifestyle and gives them the tools and coping mechanisms needed to walk this kind of path. From a young age, they get in the habit of trying hard, believing in themselves, taking chances, and brushing off any failures. They may also learn from mistakes and make adaptations. Along the way, this habit of success and the habit of succeeding turn them into successful adults. For these people, life has always been about going after what you want, and they usually tend to find their way there. On the other side, there are people who were never really taught these skills at a young age. Perhaps they also had a tougher upbringing than most, growing up in poor surroundings or coming from broken families. Some may even have been victims of abuse or neglect, leading to any number of mental or emotional issues. For these people, life has always been a painful experience, one where they need to worry most about their own safety and security. With safety being the priority, these people are less likely to take risks or chances. They will stick to what is safe and secure, which is

usually what they already know. This is how they’ve lived up until now, and this is the way they’ve been kept safe. From an evolutionary standpoint, it’s a pretty good choice. Why take on a risk when you don’t have to? The problem is these people can’t tell the difference between a worthy risk, a calculated risk, and a genuine lifechanging risk. To a person with no self-belief, anything could be devastating to their life or their psyche. The difference between self-belief and confidence is the effect it has and the area it covers. With confidence, we’re usually talking about a specific area or skill. You might be confident that you’re good looking but not in other areas. Somebody else might be confident in their math skills but not their social ability. Confidence tends to be attached to a category and can often be supported with actual proof. The confident mathematician has probably solved loads of math problems before, so there’s definite, indisputable proof that they’re good at math. This is why they have confidence. When it comes to self-belief, we’re usually talking in a more general way. If you believe in yourself strongly, you’re probably willing to try anything, even if it’s something you’re not usually good at or a completely new skill. People with self-belief don’t need proof of their skill level. They will happily believe in their own ability, or at least their ability to learn/improve, and will give most things a try. I can tell you right now that confidence without self-belief isn’t worth much. A person who’s confident in their ability but lacks self-belief can be limited quite easily. Remember that confidence comes from the ability to perform in that area – this is what proves their ability and gives them confidence. Now imagine we have a good

mathematician, one who is confident in their talents but who also lacks self-belief. Give them math problems that are at or below their current skill level and they will solve them easily. Give them tasks a little above their level, and they’ll put a good effort in, trying to figure out or learn whatever is needed to solve the problem. However, give them a bunch of tasks that are quite hard at their current level, and they often begin to struggle. With tough questions, wrong answers, and a lot of learning needed, confidence starts to wear away. Now the mathematician will begin to struggle a little, and as that happens, they’ll begin to doubt themselves and their own ability. Confidence is shaken and they perform worse and worse over time. Looking at this situation makes it easy to see why confidence alone isn’t good enough for long-term success. Confidence keeps you limited to the areas you’re already good in and also to the level you’re already performing at. From there, any steps up need to be small and gradual. Compare this to a mathematician with self-belief, one who believes they can learn anything and reach any level, who knows that it just takes hard work and learning to get there. This mathematician might be more limited at the start because they don’t have the specific math talent of the first guy. Thanks to their self-belief though, they will give a consistent effort and feel comfortable learning new things. In fact, they usually want to learn new things because they believe they are capable of more! This mathematician is potentially limitless – they will continue to develop until they hit the limit of their natural ability. Confidence is limited to its own area. It doesn’t give you self-belief.

Self-belief is a general trait though; it affects your entire personality and every part of who you are. It can also give you confidence in specific areas. Building Self-Belief You’ve probably heard of people “being driven” before. I don’t mean chauffeured around in a car, I’m talking about those people who just seem relentless in their pursuit. People like Elon Musk or Michael Jordan, people who won’t stop until they win. Michael Jordan even wrote a book called Driven From Within, showing how important he considers it. If one of the greatest athletes of all time ranks drive so highly, it’s got to be important. Look at the name of his book again. What gives him his drive? Well, it comes “from within;” we know that much. Shall I tell you how he manages to power such an incredible drive? The fuel comes from his self-belief. MJ believes in himself so much he believes that he can do anything. As he says: “I’ve always believed that if you put the work in, the results will come.” It’s quite clear to see how much he believes in himself. Looking past that though, he’s clearly not talking about himself as something different, he’s talking about everyone. MJ himself has admitted that we all have limits, but while most people use limits to explain their bad situations away, MJ knows you can succeed in most areas if you try hard enough. This is the first stone of self-belief, to know that you can succeed. You can succeed because others have succeeded, and most humans have quite a similar potential. Could you be a NBA star? Highly unlikely at this point, but if you had been driven enough to spend your life practicing from when you

could walk, then you could have been. Maybe not with the freakish peak of a guy like MJ, and you’d need a little genetic help in the size department for basketball specifically, but if you could tick that box then with that same amount of work, turning pro could have been possible. The Williams sisters would not have been superstars without their childhood of constant work. MJ would not have been a legend if he didn’t grow up constantly working on his game either. These are the facts of life. It’s no coincidence that almost every top achiever in every field has been working tirelessly towards that goal for a long, long time. When you know you can succeed, it’s time to actually put the work in. This is the second building block of self-belief. You put the time in and do it in an effective way. So many people are caught up in staying “busy” without focusing on the most important step in front of them. Smart action always beats learning and studying, so get active in your endeavors, whatever they are. If you want to eat healthier, start making small changes now. If you want to be fitter, start exercising. Once you start to do the actions, your belief also begins to grow and you become better. One important point to mention here is don’t fear failure! Once again, we go back to MJ: “I can accept failure, everyone fails at something. But I can’t accept not trying.” This is the mindset of a man who walked away from a successful 10 year NBA career, at the pinnacle of the game, to try his hand as a baseball player in the MLB. Jordan himself has mentioned missing

thousands of shots in basketball too, losing hundreds of games, and missing a game-winning shot on dozens of occasions. Yet he’s still remembered as the greatest of all time. Why? Because failure doesn’t matter. Failure is temporary. It’s a learning experience. All that matters is if you can eventually win or not; it doesn’t matter how many losses it takes to get there. If you are truly working hard and pushing yourself, you are going to fail sometimes. That’s okay though. Everyone fails. What matters is that you don’t get bitter and twisted, or discouraged. Take the failure, see what you can learn from it – failure is a much better teacher than success. Analyze your results and how you arrived at them. Is there something you could have done differently that would have helped you to succeed? Did you do things that weren’t necessary or didn’t have an impact? Treat failure as a step on the path to success – you’ve found another way NOT to do it, so you are closer to finding the right way just by process of elimination. Remember, doing the same thing and expecting different results is foolishness! Don’t ever do it! Once you’ve learned as much as possible from each failure, apply it to your future approach. Make changes and adapt so you don’t fail in the same way next time. This way, even if you do fail again, it will be in a different way and for different reasons. From here you can again learn and adapt. Keep tweaking in this way, keep on learning and applying effort, and it’s just a matter of time until you succeed! The Importance of Self-Image Okay, we’ve covered confidence, self-belief, and drive. Now let’s talk about self-image. Self-image is the way you see yourself, how you

think and feel about yourself. A lot of people overlook this area, but it’s massively important if you want to create a certain lifestyle or build specific skills and habits. Remember how people with low self-belief are always expecting negative outcomes and tend to act in ways that lead to those outcomes? Well, self-image works in a similar way. If you think of yourself as having negative traits like being lazy, incompetent, or unproductive, then you’re more likely to act those ways. If you generally look at yourself as a hard worker, a talented and productive person, then you are more likely to behave in that way. It isn’t as simple as just believing it when you want to. Self-image has to be a constant and consistent creation. You need to believe it all the time, and that belief has to be backed up by actions. When you act in a way that matches your self-image, it begins to grow and gain strength. This doesn’t mean you have to be entirely disciplined or productive from the start. If that was the case, there wouldn’t really be much point in us talking about self-image, because you’d already be perfectly disciplined and driven by the time you had mastered this area. The best thing about self-image is that you can actually build it by using small actions. For example, if you want the self-image of an active go-getter, a problem solver who gets things done and stays productive, then you can start by building a simple routine for yourself and sticking to it. Going to bed at a set time, being up at the same time every day, always getting yourself ready properly in the morning – getting clean, making sure you’re dressed well and that you smell good. This applies even if you’re staying in the house,

because you’re doing it to create a standard for yourself and a selfimage. Take it further by dealing with problems head-on whenever they come up and avoiding procrastination. Do any quick jobs or chores immediately. A good tip here is to use the “5-minute rule.” If it takes five minutes or less to do, do NOT put it off. Get it done now, and it’s one more task knocked off your list. Live like this for even a week and you’ll start to feel the change. When I first got into good habits, back in my university days, all I really did was fix my sleep schedule and start applying the 5-minute rule. Every day I would also make sure I looked and smelled nice every morning, even if I was just going to stay in my dorm and work on the laptop anyway. I didn’t actually realize how big the effects were until a couple of weeks later when I fell asleep at my friends’ place after a night out. When I woke up, I felt so low and grimy because I couldn’t get ready properly – I had no clean clothes, no toothbrush, and no aftershave! While everybody else lazed around and stayed how they were, I had to get out of there immediately. Once home, I got ready and felt instantly better. I got a couple of quick tasks done, too (because of the 5-minute rule), and then realized I was feeling fresh, energetic, and ready for the day. Meanwhile, my friends were still laying around. I got plenty done that morning, while they did next to nothing. The small habits and standards I had for myself in the morning had created a persona that stayed active every day and always got things done. Over the next few weeks, I noticed I was taking charge more in group situations and that I was more proactive about my own

learning and work. From here, I started to fill my spare time with other productive activities and began my transformation into the successful business consultant and coach I have now become. It’s always difficult to pinpoint when somebody becomes successful, but I know that for me, it all began with self-image. Using self-image in this way allows you to choose who you want to be. You can set your own standards, depending on what you want to achieve, and build your image from there. What happened to me was that it created an “expected state,” a certain way of living. My expected state is of a hard worker who always gets things done, no excuses. Tasks are handled head on and without hesitation, and I also hold myself to a high standard in terms of looks and my social life. Now if I behave in a way that goes against this, it causes a problem. Even if I just don’t take the actions I’m supposed to, it feels uncomfortable. My mind and inner-self expect me to act in a way that matches my image and expected state, so that’s where my thoughts and actions are naturally directed – I behave in a disciplined way without the discomfort of being disciplined. For me now, acting in an undisciplined way actually feels more uncomfortable! Using self-image like this is another way to fuel your drive too. The self-image of a relentless worker who stops at nothing is only going to be sustained if you prove it with regular effort. Over time, that proof fuels the image – and the image then gives you more willpower, more drive, and more ability to dig deep – which fuels the image even more. It’s a positive cycle and one you should be using to get ahead.

Chapter 3: Self-Belief and Weakness few years back I worked with a group of businessmen from A Eastern Europe. They were an interesting mix of characters, similar in age and from differing backgrounds. The CEO had briefed me beforehand that there were a few standout performers in the group and had asked if there was some way to identify the traits these guys had, so we could focus on teaching them to the others. Psychology has taught me there are usually only a few underlying options that people use to deal with most situations. I tried to find theirs by asking specific questions relating to their past performances and how they had succeeded. What I noticed was that all of them would mention consistent effort and identifying what needed tweaking or changing. Having all the drive in the world is great, and it will probably see you succeed. You can be much more efficient if you target that drive into the right places though. Identifying Weaknesses Identifying a weakness can be tough for some people because their ego is fragile. That’s what happens if self-belief is low, so you always need to start with your self-belief and creating that positive self-

image. It still feels uncomfortable for most people to really analyze themselves and give an honest assessment, but it gets easier with time. Identifying weakness isn’t just about seeing how you can change your sales tactics or adapt a business plan, it’s also about tweaking yourself in general – the way you live, how you behave, your own knowledge and skills. The most successful people in the world are able to identify areas for improvement in themselves and their businesses. This is what we need to do when it comes to discipline as well. We need to take an honest look back and see where we are missing the mark. Try to isolate the true cause of the problem. I found I used to procrastinate more and have less output when tired. The tiredness was a result of late nights, which was a result of getting up too late and having a slow start. Changing my morning routine to start earlier and be more efficient was tough at first. The earlier starts helped my output, but I wasn’t really any quicker. Then I adapted and started falling asleep earlier with no problems. Now I was fully rested on my early starts and able to really crank up the work-rate. So many people struggle with procrastination, it’s no rare thing. There are plenty of superstar high achievers who still struggle with it too. The key is that you get a handle on it. For some people, they just need better rest, others need to be more organized and create a schedule, and there are people who benefit from dietary changes too. Stress management can be another idea to create a better and more productive mindset. For me, mindfulness and meditation are hugely beneficial in these areas. The physical changes brought on by meditation have already been

proven by science. Meditation has been shown to reduce a variety of illnesses and stress levels while improving focus and concentration. This is perfect for when you’re trying to be more disciplined because you need to stay on point if you want to make progress. Mindfulness is a similar practice but as a more general life approach. It really helps with fighting off impulsive thoughts and desires and makes your life more planned and stable. I’ve already written a fair bit about both of these in my other books so check those out if you’re interested in learning more. Getting back to our topic of weakness, you need to identify the issue and then come up with a way to solve it. Do this with one problem at a time, starting with the biggest, and you’ll start to see how your life can change. It also applies to your personality and how you deal with people. Thinking critically about your interactions can help you to shape your own persona. Being able to do this is almost like playing God in an RPG – you’re creating a character with the stats you want. It’s perfect for the business world because you can be perceived however you want. Create a persona and live it. Some of you may have heard of NLP. It stands for Neuro-Linguistic Programming and is a psychological approach to changing your own sub-conscious. The theory is that your conscious brain is what you actively control, while your sub-conscious brain acts more instinctively. Using the right techniques, you can communicate with your subconscious and change it. It uses an approach where your language, thought, and behavioral patterns are modified. By behaving in a certain way, you trigger internal changes to mirror that

mindset/approach. Changing your behavior to improve on your weak points follows a similar method. You make the changes based on how you want to be performing. You can change social skills in this way. Let’s pretend you want to improve your conversational skills because you don’t feel like you really get out there enough. A good approach is to practice conversation as much as possible. Just start talking to people no matter where you are. Over time, all of the extra experience will make you much better at holding interesting conversations. You can also study how to be better as you try this out, creating a smart two-level approach. You’ll be studying what should work and trialing it in real-life too. Figuring out what works and dropping what doesn’t, you could be a silver-tongued story-teller in no time at all. When it comes to discipline, changes can be linked more to getting out of comfort zones or sticking to a game plan. For comfort zones, you can push yourself out in other areas to create a natural tendency towards it. Exercise really hard, take cold showers, do uncomfortable tasks. All of this will help you get out of your comfort zone in business and other areas of life too. Using routines and sticking to them, even minor things like a night-time stretching session, will help you to become more disciplined overall. Forging habits like this is important. There’s one habit though that starts off as important, then becomes even more so over time. What is it? Self-control. Self-Control Self-control is an essential piece of daily discipline. Without it, you’re

going to fall off pretty soon. To quote Jocko Willink, commander of SEAL Team 3’s “Task Unit Bruiser:” “That nice soft pillow, the warm blanket, nobody wants to leave that comfort – but you have to if you want to get a head start on everyone else.” Task Unit Bruiser contained “American Sniper” Chris Kyle, amongst others, all of whom saw heavy combat in Iraq. Willink was a decorated SEAL officer for 20 years and has always pushed discipline as his key to success. “Discipline Equals Freedom” is even the name of his second book. Jocko pushes a number of simple approaches, which help you to control your life. Things like working from a to-do list or having a list of tasks prepared for the next day, so you don’t really need to think too hard. The reason self-control becomes more important over time is that some people start to slack off when good results start appearing. These results are encouraging, and people get over-confident and believe they’re already there. Even I have suffered from this before. Throughout university and high school, I occasionally tried my hand at side businesses for a little extra income. These weren’t big, impressive creations, just simple operations done locally. With most of them I actually succeeded. Thing is, once I had enough cash to get by, I slacked off and eventually each venture died a slow death. I could have accelerated and made much more cash if I’d stayed hungry, but my own success was my downfall. I didn’t have the self-control to resist temptation – nights out, late starts, and days off at all sorts of times. It’s easy to see why I began losing business. With self-belief and a smart approach to dealing with weak points,

you’re already quite well equipped to succeed. The next biggest hurdle is usually self-control. This is where discipline helps because you just need to stick with those routines and the steps you usually undertake. Control also extends beyond your actions. It goes to your thoughts and emotions as well. Linking back to NLP, if you can get control over your own thought process, you can create the type of person you want to be. Gaining control of thoughts goes back to mindfulness as well. To go over it briefly, mindfulness makes you more aware of your thoughts as they occur and also more detached from them. This way you can observe them and discard them if not needed. Combine this with actively generating positive thoughts to create the mental state you want. It isn’t easy, even though it sounds simple, because we all tend to have a lot of random, uncontrolled thoughts. Over time, we can still shape the way our brains work with persistent effort. Emotional control allows you to better respond to situations. The man who comes to mind here is David Goggins, ultra-endurance athlete and former Navy SEAL, U.S. Ranger, and Paratrooper. This guy is a serious machine, and part of his approach is to constantly be outside of his comfort zones. Why? So he knows what pain feels like, he knows discomfort and stress, he knows what it’s like to be hurt. Having lived an extraordinarily tough life, this man has turned himself into somebody who can’t be affected emotionally - he won’t allow it. Sure, he feels like anybody else – but in the moment, he’s able to shut that down, ignore the emotional side, and act rationally.

Goggins had a tough childhood, growing up as the only black kid in a KKK dominated area. He endured plenty of racism and bullying. As an adult, he pushed himself to the extremes. This is a man who ran an ultra-marathon with NO training, completing the last 30 miles with fractures in his feet and legs. He also once held the 24-hour pull-up record – and tore tendons in his arms and hands on two failed attempts before achieving it. This is a man who now willingly goes towards hardship, because of what that discipline and drive gives back to him. This is really important if you want to succeed in life, because sometimes things will go wrong. When they do, acting emotionally won’t help. By mastering control over your emotional side, you can choose the best responses. You can also avoid being controlled by emotional manipulation. Control over your feelings helps with pushing through difficulty, handling setbacks, and even with generally maintaining a consistent effort. It removes the need for reassurance or positive feedback and allows you to operate without either – just like Navy SEALS such as Willink and Goggins had to.

Chapter 4: Mental Toughness

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aving drive and direction is a great thing, but they won’t last without another attribute – mental toughness. Mental toughness is defined as the ability to persevere through bad circumstances. Those “bad circumstances” could be anything at all, from an injury to bad weather to a generally hard situation. Sometimes it doesn’t even have to be something particularly bad, it can just be a sudden and unexpected change. Any time we experience adversity, mental toughness is needed and can be a great help. The power of the mind is an amazing thing, as we talked about in Chapter 1 when we covered Gates, Bannister, and four-minute miles. Belief can fuel you to reach your targets, and smart direction can get you there quicker. Toughness is different. Toughness isn’t a fuel, it’s a defender, which keeps you safe from the opposition attacks. Toughness is what you need when you’re chasing that fourminute mile and begin to feel tired, out of breath, with burning legs and lungs, your mind telling you that you’ve done enough and it’s time to stop. This is where toughness kicks in to keep you going at full speed, ignoring the negative signs and sticking to your guns. The best time I saw this in action was during a military-run training

camp. The participants in this session had done fitness testing a couple of weeks before. I had the results in front of me on a clipboard, so I knew which people were the strongest and fittest. I also knew that this camp would push them all physically, so they would all be tired, and that it would be the mental tests that really made a difference. An early session involved getting everybody nice and tired with a couple of circuits and a quick run. From here, the group was made to do bodyweight exercises as a single unit, matching each other rep for rep. We told them we wouldn’t stop until the five weakest people (out of 15) had quit. Now looking at the sheets, the five who quit first should have been the five who were weakest in testing. This didn’t happen though. Instead, the five who quit were a mix from the lower to the upper-middle of the group. While these five weren’t the physically weakest, they were the mentally weakest. I talked to a couple of them afterwards. Their reason for quitting? “It was too much, I couldn’t keep up with the rest.” “I’m just not as strong as the others, it’s not my specialty.” “I tried my best, but it was just too much for me.” Do you notice how self-focused these reasons are? In some ways they look like a lack of self-belief, but belief was high at the beginning of the exercise. It’s toughness that lacks, and it shows. When things get difficult, that’s when toughness matters. It’s like a nightclub bouncer when doubt tries to creep in. Toughness blocks it off and backs it down, keeping comparisons and thoughts of weakness out of your mind. A strong mind like this doesn’t compare itself to others, it doesn’t consider the end of the task or how well

you’re dealing with the situation. It keeps your focus single-minded on the task in front of you, and your own internal ability to keep pushing – even if it’s only for one more rep. It lives in the now and only cares about what is happening this second. There isn’t much thought or emotion involved, just action. This mindset is exactly what allows a physically weaker person to outwork a stronger one. By taking each task, each exercise, and even each rep as a separate challenge, the mentally tough person is able to push through a lot more. It was shown during our tests when I questioned some of the weaker participants and asked how they were able to do so well. Here were some of the answers: “I just focused on the next rep and nothing else.” “There was no way I was stopping unless I physically couldn’t complete the exercise. Even though I did some bad reps, I was still moving.” “There was still some left in the tank, no point in stopping until it’s empty.” As you can see, these people were focused only on themselves and only on what was immediately in front of them. For some of them, each rep was its own challenge – can I do it, or not? Breaking a tough task down like this is a popular way to get through it. The technique is known as “chunking” and is something we will look at more deeply in Part Two. It involves taking a long or difficult task and breaking it down into small chunk or stages. You can do this with overall plans or with tough events; you can even break it down to individual reps or ten seconds at a time. Now all you have to do is deal with the small chunk in front of you, which is actually a lot easier than it sounds. A lot of people don’t believe they can do 100 press ups, but most of them will keep trying to do one press up again and

again, potentially even passing 100 as they do. Why does this work? Because when you are comparing yourself to the others, you only see the outside. You are seeing them complete an exercise but not hearing their self-doubt, aren’t feeling their pain and tiredness, nor how close they are to quitting. From the outside, people look a lot stronger than they usually are (as long as they aren’t voicing any complaints or discomfort). Compare this with your own experience, where you feel all of the pain, tiredness, and doubt. You know each rep hurts, but when you watch somebody else you forget that. It’s easy to see why comparing your performance here is no good thing. When you compare yourself, you know your own pain but not what the other person is going through. The only way comparison can be turned to a positive is if you have enough drive to match the performance of others, but again this comes from an internal belief of being stronger. That belief originates in self-belief and drive, but it still takes mental toughness to avoid doubts and keep it active. All of this comes down to the same thing – forget everyone else and focus on giving your all for the next step/rep. When you focus only on the task at hand, you remove the mental comparisons and games. There’s no more looking around and thinking others are finding it easy, or feeling like you’re struggling more than others. Instead of these opinions and emotional thoughts, you focus on your own physical ability. Can you hold the position for another couple of seconds? Do it then. Got one more rep in you? Get it out. A lot of people using this technique will think they’re only

capable of one or two more reps, just to go on and crank out 10 more before the body starts to fail physically. There’s also no pressure because you aren’t looking at the finish line or the massive amount that must be completed. You’re ignoring those entirely and looking at the “chunk” in front of you. Just deal with that chunk, that’s all. Don’t even worry about the end. By using this approach, when it’s all said and done you will have either cleared all of the chunks and completed the task or cleared as many as possible and found your actual limit – your actual physical limit, not what your mind believes the limit is. If this happens and you still fail, don’t be downhearted. Rest easy because you have accomplished something most people never will by hitting your potential, even if it’s only this one time, and this failure will be a building block for greatness – which isn’t a failure at all really. Dealing With Doubters and Failures Extreme mental toughness is essential if you want to succeed at the highest levels. The highest levels are the hardest levels, so situations will be constantly changing and full of challenges. At the highest levels, it isn’t just self-doubt that can be a problem, but also other people and their doubts. The biggest example of this is of parents and their children. I can’t count how many times I’ve seen parents tell their little ones to be realistic with their goals – that being a pro athlete, musician, or movie star is too tough and that they should aim for a college education and regular job. Yet there are kids out there who grow up to be pro athletes, musicians, and movie stars, so it MUST be possible! Along the way, a lot of these people are told they won’t

succeed. What’s the difference between the ones who do and the ones who don’t? Mental toughness! Taylor Swift is a perfect example of this. From a very young age she had dreamed of being a successful popstar, and her parents backed her from the start. Her own desire created the drive and self-belief, but it was fed and reinforced by her parents. They nurtured her mental toughness with their continued support through hard times and early failures. In the early days, Swift was told several times that she wasn’t good enough to be a musician. Regardless, she continued working on her craft and pushing to hone her skills. Today she’s worth hundreds of millions of dollars and is one of the most marketable and recognisable faces in the world. There’s nobody who can say she isn’t exactly what she dreamed of being– a successful popstar. How many other potential Taylor Swifts are out there today, working 9 to 5 jobs because they were told to be realistic at a young age? How many potential superstars who never really tried because they listened to the people who said they weren’t good enough? Sometimes in life you’re going to be told that you aren’t good enough or that you’re trying to perform the impossible. This is normal if you have big goals, because other people will find those goals intimidating. When people believe something is out of their reach, they’re likely to believe you can’t reach it either. It’s important to remember that their opinion means nothing in the grand scheme of things. Opinions are free, everybody has one, and most of them are pretty useless. Listen only to people who have knowledge or experience that can actually help you. Don’t worry about naysayers,

because you will encounter negativity at times on your journey. Mental toughness is about being able to ignore them, resist them. Over time you may even find yourself able to use this negativity as fuel. If you do come across people with inside knowledge, pick their brains on how things work, how to reach what you want, and what it takes to hit that next level. Learn from their experiences and use the knowledge to build on their abilities. Don’t ask for opinion, ask for practical advice and make sure you apply it. Successful people love to share their knowledge, and seeing you make good use of it is the best compliment you can give. Failure is the other thing that can set you back. Like I said, Taylor Swift was knocked back more than a few times and told she wasn’t good enough. Her reaction is the best one to use in the face of any failure – don’t accept it as a long term thing, but learn from it in the present moment. She adapted her approach and worked on her craft even more, until she finally got the acceptance that she wanted. This came in the form of a record deal and album sales. Failure doesn’t have to be final unless you let it. Every time you fail, take it as a learning experience. In fact, in some ways it’s a good thing to fail, because every failure is a learning opportunity, a chance to get better. If you take this approach to your own process, you will get stronger and more successful after every failure that happens on your journey. With this approach, you become smarter and stronger over time, so it’s inevitable that your goals will one day be within reach. There isn’t an automatic boost from failure though. You still have to

view each situation critically and figure out what can be learned. What could you have done differently to succeed? What areas can you work on for next time? What skills do you need to develop? Remember that you need the ability to identify faults and weaknesses in order to grow. That’s the real key to improving after failure.

Chapter 5: Willpower “The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will.” – Vince Lombardi “Willpower is the basis of perseverance.” – Napoleon Hill “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” – Anonymous

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hese are just a few of the thousands of quotes on willpower. It’s always been a big theme in self-development. Plenty of successful people push it as one of the most important keys to how they did it. So what is willpower? Put simply, it’s the ability to control your own impulses. Do you have the ability to stick to a pre-made decision in the face of changing circumstances? This is what willpower is. It’s being able to say no to food even when you’re hungry because it hasn’t reached your pre-set time to eat yet. It’s getting up and hitting the gym when you already feel tired and it would be so much easier to just take one day off and rest… You’re probably familiar with willpower already, but what you might not know is that it’s like any muscle in the body – it can be strengthened. Willpower is governed by the rational decision-making

part of the brain, known as the prefrontal cortex. When you make impulsive decisions, what happens is the impulsive parts of your brain begin to literally overpower the prefrontal cortex. When you start to get impulsive thoughts and feelings it takes a strong amount of willpower to resist it. If the prefrontal cortex is strong enough, it can overpower these areas and shut them down, allowing you to stick to your original decisions. If it isn’t strong enough though, your willpower will become overwhelmed and the impulsive desires will win. Another similarity to physical muscle groups exists in how willpower can erode and shrink if it isn’t used. Living without discipline and willpower can create bad habits. Keep in mind this doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy some time off here and there. The key is to implement some small habits into your routine that require willpower, and keep those constant. If you can stick to a couple of small willpower decisions in areas like wake up time, brief bouts of daily exercise, or eating healthily, then it’s totally reasonable to enjoy your life in other areas – keeping moderation in mind of course! This means on vacation or special occasions, you can’t just go crazy every weekend and expect to have good willpower after it. However, if you use a short morning routine with a few tasks to get done, and combine it with a small amount of daily exercise, wake up time, and a decent diet, then you can certainly enjoy most of your relaxation time without worrying about adverse effects. Scientists have proven that the prefrontal cortex is involved in decision making and over-riding impulses. In lab studies, this is the area that lights up when decision making is involved, and it’s the area that remains strong and in charge when people stick to their

willpower. Impulse reactions cause activity in other parts of the brain, relating to the urges being felt at the time. Bad decisions occur when these areas become highly activated while the prefrontal cortex is worn down and can’t match their activity level. This is what happens physiologically inside your brain when an impulse decision is made. The good news is that science has also proven that this area can be strengthened through regular use, just as it can be weakened by being left unused. The more disciplined choices you make, the stronger your prefrontal cortex becomes. A good way to start taking advantage of this information is to start building in small willpower based decisions in your daily life. Start having a regular wake up time that you will stick to. Decide the day before what treats you are allowed and stick to it – this is a great way to avoid impulsiveness. It’s easy to think or feel like you need a day off from the gym when you’re trying to psyche yourself up to go. It’s easy to claim you deserve a cheat meal at the end of a hard day too. Make these decisions the day before and you’ll be making them clearheaded. Do you really need a break? Do you deserve a treat? If so, great! If not, plan not to do it and stick to that decision. You can quickly build some strong willpower in a short time by doing this, but you must stick to it every day otherwise it won’t work. Like I said before, if you take some time off or are on holiday mode, you should keep a couple of good willpower forming habits active so you’re still ready to perform when you return to work mode. Similarly, if you’re starting from a base of low willpower and want to strengthen your willpower muscle, you can start with simple habits that will help it to grow. Some ideas you can use for starters might be to avoid junk food entirely, pushing yourself through intense exercise

sessions, or to force yourself to have a cold shower every day. Each and every day you should be making yourself do something for the greater good of your life, something that goes against your current impulses for comfort and security. This will force you to grow a little every day, and within weeks your willpower could be huge compared to what it is now. Measuring Willpower Let me start off by telling you now – there’s no real way to measure exactly how much willpower a person has. What we do know though is that everybody has a set amount. This can be made bigger or smaller depending on how much you practice working on it, because the prefrontal cortex can be strengthened/weakened, but there is only a finite amount of willpower within each person. Think of it as a willpower tank – everybody has a different sized tank. You can make yours a little bigger or smaller each day by doing the right things, and each day (should) start with a full tank. This can be affected by general stress, lack of willpower over a prolonged time, substance abuse, and even lack of sleep and poor nutrition. Always remember that your body and mind are part of the wonderful machine that is you. Like all machines though, you need to be maintained and looked after. To keep your machine in the best possible shape, you have to cover all areas from nutrition to exercise to sleep. With a well maintained machine, all of your various fuel tanks and meters should be maxed out, including your willpower tank. Ideally it will be full each morning and ready for another day. I knew an amazing athlete once who performed at an international level. This guy did a great job of maintaining himself and staying at

optimum performance levels. The reason I was working with him though was because there was some inconsistency in his discipline over the last 12 months. Tournament performances were sometimes worse than expected and diet could be hit and miss, a confusing phenomenon with a usually well-disciplined top athlete. When we first began working together, I looked through his schedules and diaries to see if there was any info I could use to explain what was going on. Everything looked quite normal, all the planners had his training intensity peaking at the right times, recovery looked good, all should have been fine. With no answer coming from the diaries, we needed to try a different approach. What I did was I travelled with this athlete to his next tournament and spent some time staying with him. Not all the time, because I wouldn’t want to distract his focus, but enough to see that the unfamiliar bed setup caused sleep problems, which meant our athlete wasn’t recovering in the best way possible. When we began talking about his sleep setup, I discovered that he’d also been through a number of stressful events recently, including a house move. All of this had eroded his general willpower and on further examination of his diary and interviews, we found that the occasional slips in diet or training could all be linked to stressful events or times when the athlete was generally worn down. In all these cases, his willpower tank wasn’t being fully refreshed each day, and he was being handicapped. His prefrontal cortex was worn down and couldn’t stick to the decisions it wanted to. This shows you the importance of managing your mind, body, and lifestyle to create an efficient machine. If an elite athlete can be

derailed by minor effects capping their willpower, then anyone can. It’s best to be as well rested and healthy as possible, taking an overall approach to success and self-development. Now, let’s get back to that willpower meter. Studies have shown that as we go through the day, a person becomes more likely to make bad and impulsive decisions. They’re most likely to make impulse decisions late in the day, because willpower is exhausted. I believe this links back to why many successful people are in the habit of getting up early every morning. Think about it - they make an early start and get to work with their willpower meters high. Early in the day is when they’ll be most productive and getting the important work done. As the day goes on, tasks become simpler and don’t require as much willpower. This type of “day design” is helpful to becoming disciplined and successful in any area. In fact, a lot of successful people advocate the approach of doing the toughest tasks first. These are people who are known for strong willpower and achieving success, people like the Richard Bransons and Warren Buffets of this world. Surely they know what they’re talking about, right? Now that you know your willpower is finite, you know that you need to manage it in the best way possible. Laying out your day with the toughest tasks first is a great start. It also takes advantage of momentum, which plays a big part as well. See, if you start off the day with bad decisions, then it’s harder to get back on track because you’ve already gone against your prefrontal cortex. If you overrule it on minor decisions like getting out of bed (by having a lie-in) or not eating breakfast, you create negative momentum.

This means you’re more likely to make bad decisions – your willpower has almost been deactivated because you bypassed it. Imagine the person who starts off the day by snoozing the alarm multiple times, putting off when they have to get up. This person is also staying in their pyjamas instead of getting dressed. Imagine they have a mostly free day but with a little work to do, or cleaning, or even chores. How likely are they to eventually get these tasks done? Let’s say they actually pull it off, are they likely to go the extra mile, get more stuff done, or put some time into self-improvement? No, because negative momentum is going to limit them to the bare minimum. On the flipside, if you start the day with some minor momentum builders (like making your bed, taking a shower, taking out the trash), then you can put yourself in a stronger position to complete tough tasks. Positive momentum creates more belief, a stronger will, and a higher level of discipline. This is helpful if you want to have a productive day, allowing you to ease yourself into the first big tasks while still getting them done before your willpower gauge empties out. To go against our earlier example, imagine a person who always bounces out of bed at the first alarm, gets washed and ready, dresses nice, even smells good. Now imagine this person has a free(ish) day with some chores to do as well (or work, cleaning, etc.). It’s easy to imagine this person just getting on with it and getting the job done, right? Try to imagine the opposite. This energetic being who bounces up and gets the early tasks done no matter what – how likely do you think they are to go and sit down, ignoring what they should be doing, and just spend the rest of the day watching TV? Come on, if you got up, got dressed, cleaned your room, and made

your bed all within an hour of waking up, then you’re probably going to ride that momentum a little longer and get everything done, leaving a guilt-free evening for you to enjoy. Habits and Routines There are ways to boost your total amount of willpower by strengthening the rational decision-making area of your brain. We will look at these in more detail during Part Two. One technique that we’ll look at now briefly is meditation. Regular meditation has been shown to reshape the prefrontal cortex, increasing its efficiency and how strongly the area can affect your brain. Reducing cortisol (the stress hormone) also lowers your stress levels and lets you be more efficient and durable. Higher stress levels drain your energy and willpower tanks, so the practice of meditation gives benefits in two areas. It lowers your cortisol and strengthens the prefrontal cortex. If you want to learn more about meditation, check out my other books. We’ve already created a few to help you with mindfulness and meditation, both of which have been directly linked to improving willpower. Not only that, willpower can also be recharged and replenished with these techniques (and others), but again, we’ll get to those in the second part. For now we are going to focus on how you can make your willpower last longer. The simplest answer is to use it more sparingly. Now that probably doesn’t make sense to a lot of you – we’ve just been talking about using willpower to build the muscle and not letting it waste – yet now I’m telling you not to use it?? No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. What I’m saying is that you can

get through your life with the same good decisions (which require willpower to make), and you can do it in a way that uses less and less willpower over time. What am I talking about? I’m talking about leveraging the power of habits and making the most out of using routines. A habit is something that you do almost automatically. It can be almost any type of action, but by becoming a habit, the conscious thought and decision-making process is normally inactive when you perform the task. Decision making isn’t needed so much because you’ve repeated the same action over and over again until it becomes ingrained. You can speed this act up by using special techniques such as a cue when the habit starts, and a reward at the end of it. Training a habit doesn’t take all that long. Once the habit is successfully set, you’re no longer using much willpower to perform the action. In fact, over time it will feel strange not to do the habit and will cost more willpower to resist the habit than to do it. Once you’ve got a good habit ingrained, it now runs on autopilot and frees up your willpower (your decision-making fuel) for other uses. One of the techniques that a lot of successful people use is to build habits slowly. One small new habit each month means you add twelve habits by the end of the year. At the end of the year, all 12 habits are automatic and you are using willpower to make decisions outside of those habits. You can totally rewire the way you think and act by using this technique. One thing to keep in mind here is that the willpower gauge works a bit differently to a normal fuel gauge. We already know that it’s a bit

like a muscle because if you don’t use it, you lose it – meaning it slowly empties out over time. Good habits run mainly on auto-pilot but they do seem to maintain your high willpower level, perhaps by activating just the tiniest amount. On the flipside, if you go and make a bad choice consciously, then your willpower seems to go down. It goes back to what we said earlier about momentum. Momentum is really important to your prefrontal cortex (the willpower muscle). Willpower loves to work with momentum, so if you make a bad choice your willpower immediately wants to start goofing around and staying inactive. This means when your willpower is strong, you have to show restraint in all areas. Imagine that you’re putting out some good work, being real productive. Then you decide to slack off with the diet at lunch and have some junk food. The afternoon could easily turn into a time where you ease off and get less done because you’ve initiated that downwards slide by messing up your diet.

Chapter 6: Mastermind Planning Now you’ve got a good understanding of willpower, right? On top of that, you know how to manage it a little better with the use of habits and routines. Now it’s time to take this concept to the next level. We’ve already talked about building up habits to create the “you” that you dream of being. One of the things we touched on was building one habit at a time, perhaps giving each 30 days so you can gradually adapt to a new way of living. This is great for a specific type of habit but there are those that should perhaps be expanded over a bigger timeline, or even shrunk down. It all depends on how tough the habit is going to be. Habits – Small, Big and In Between Back when I first enrolled in university I remember it being a real big system shock to suddenly be unsupervised most of the time. It wasn’t like school where teachers would try to make sure you were in the right place and that you always had all of your work completed. At uni you’re responsible for yourself – if you can’t be bothered to work, nobody’s going to make you. They’ll take your fee money and let you fail your course no problem. If you care about getting ahead and want to succeed, you’re going to have to get yourself in gear and start moving.

Like so many freshmen, I struggled horribly at the start of first year. It was so easy to go and party just for one more night, or take a night off and watch some movies or go see some friends. Oh and the weekend? That’s family time, I needed to go home and see my parents! Living like this I quickly fell behind my classmates and started to struggle. So I built up some new habits, a healthier life and started moving forwards. For me though there were a lot of areas I wanted to change. I needed to live more hygienically and healthily. I needed to actually start working, waking up at better times, eating better, and more. Of course I picked a habit and tried to implement one each fortnight, but the list of stuff I needed to change was SO LONG!! Then I looked at the list and it felt like I could divide it into different sections. A lot of habits came under the same kind of category, where I wanted to implement one every couple of weeks. There were a couple that seemed really tough though. I mean, eat healthily? What, all the time!? That’s so hard! This (and a couple of other things) came in the “long” category for me, because they seemed a lot harder than my usual habits. “Being fit” was another one in this section because I hadn’t exercised for at least a couple of years, and I knew it was a bad idea to go from 0 to 100 physically. Likewise, there were a couple of things that seemed a bit too easy, like brushing my teeth each morning (yes, sometimes I was THAT lazy…) or making sure to eat three meals a day. These were the “short” list, things that should be easy to change in my life. Now while I stuck with the “one-per-fortnight” rule for most of my

habit changes, for the “short” list (the easy list), I tried to change one habit every three days. You can use a different timescale if you want, but it’s not too tough to make a little change every few days. Layer them up and they’ll stay with you because they’re easier things to do, so they use less willpower. These small habits build up side-by-side while your main habit also changes. Then we have the difficult list, the “long” changes. For these you should break it down into steps and move through one step every few weeks. Don’t add a new step in this habit at the same time as you add a new main habit. So if you are adding a new habit at the start of each month, add a new “step” for the long/hard habit at midmonth. It keeps you from feeling overwhelmed. I did this to add 30 mins of exercise every couple weeks. At first I was only working out for half hour – easy, right? But two months later I was hitting the gym four times a week for half hour and feeling pretty great. Four months in my habit was built and I had three to four weekly sessions of almost an hour. By the end of first year I was much fitter than at the start, and entering my second year, I was in the best shape of my life. Building Your Future Self When it comes to achieving your dreams in life, it’s all a matter of planning and action. Everything else comes as a by-product of those two things. Peyton Manning, one of the greatest quarterbacks in the history of American Football, once said: “I never left the field saying I could have done more to get ready and that gives me peace of mind.” This guy was an 18-year veteran of the NFL and at the top of the

game from beginning to end. He never stopped working and was a strong impact player even in his final years. His work ethic is what made him so good, but look at this part of the quote – “done more to get ready.” It’s talking about his prep work. He wasn’t just a hard worker, he was a smart one too. He studied the opposition defences, learned their tendencies, and memorized any weak points. It was a smart approach, and he combined it with hard work to ingrain the tendencies of every opposition defence into his mind. This is how he maximized his potential through hard, smart work. The level of intensity he used with this approach is unreal. He was once quizzed by a journalist on a playbook he used 16 years earlier in his career. He still remembered every detail, right down to the personnel and timings. His depth of preparation keeps the details in his mind decades after they’re needed! To achieve your dreams, you need to do the same kind of thing. Everybody has the potential within them. MMA great Conor McGregor famously said: “I’m not talented, I’m obsessed.” This quote shows how much weight he puts into his self-belief and discipline, into his work rate and intense preparation. It shows his belief that innate talent doesn’t really matter and that anyone can build themselves to be whatever they want. When you understand that, you need to have a long and hard think about what it is you want out of life. These goals are achievable, but it takes the right approach, the right kind of lifestyle. To put it simply, if you want to be a millionaire you have to behave like a millionaire. I don’t mean spending lots of money and dressing well. I mean putting

in the millionaire hours – those early mornings and late nights, those meetings outside of work to build your own business or deals. Figure out what habits will take you where you need to go in life and create a list of what this person does, how they live and spend their time. Now look at the difference between your own lifestyle and this “target lifestyle.” What needs to be changed? Make a list so you can refer back to it. At the start, it can be very general and sprawling, but you slowly want to structure it into those changes that need to be made – the “big,” “small,” and “medium.” Now you can work on making these changes and building new habits one at a time. Like a sculptor you begin to shape your future self, creating these new habits and getting closer to the life you dream of. Along the way, again like a sculptor, there’s another point to keep in mind. “Hack away at the unessential.” – Bruce Lee Bruce Lee is a legend all over the world. A martial arts superstar, actor, and philosopher, Bruce had an immense impact on the world despite his untimely demise at the young age of 32. The above quote sums up one of his core beliefs – that many people are worried about what they can add, when they could easily benefit from removing things instead. His meaning? Bad habits! Bad habits are a drain on you because they cause setbacks and have no real positive payoff. Sure it might feel good to eat some more junk food or sleep in on weekends, but outside of the short term pleasure, is it actually getting you any closer to your goals? Or is it keeping them a little further away? You have to consider your bad habits and decide whether they make sense to keep or not. Then approach them in the same way as the

good habits – try to get rid of one at a time. Doing this helps to speed the process of creating your future self along. It’s a double pronged approach where you combine building good habits with removing the bad ones. Changes will happen a lot faster than if you just took one approach or the other. Schedules Another way you can get the most out of your willpower is by using schedules. This is different from a habit. A habit has to be constant, something that takes place regularly. This is like a wake-up time or sticking to an exercise plan. It works for regular events, but not everything in life is regular. Most people have to put in some extra work to succeed in life. This is how they launch businesses and brands or create a product to sell. It’s pretty tough to do any of that when you’re on the clock at work, because you have other tasks to be busy with. Even if you can get away with it, it might be a bad idea to try. Most employers will be pretty displeased if they find out, and it could even cost you your job. The reason most people struggle to put in effort outside of work is because they lack mental discipline. They will never admit this though, always blaming a lack of time instead. The truth is that we all have the same amount of time in a day. If you want to have a life that most people can’t, then you have to do what most people are unwilling to do – put the extra time in. I totally understand that a job can be tiring. Days can be long and hard. At the end you’ll probably be tired and the idea of more work can be depressing. With your own ideas the work isn’t straight forward either. You need to decide what to do first and the best way

to approach it. Then there’s other life issues to deal with – doing chores, socializing, exercising. Having all of this to deal with when you’re already tired from work would be intimidating for anyone. Your willpower tank is low and the idea of sorting through this mess will make the brain want to start cutting things out, avoiding the difficulty and discomfort of getting things done. You can help your brain here though, and you can stretch that willpower a little bit further. What you need to do is use a schedule. A schedule is like prep work for your day. You can do it first thing in the morning, but it’s usually best to make it the night before. Regular events like work and a morning routine are quite easy to work in. After those are filled in, you can add any appointments, meetings, or social events too. This gives a good overview of your day so you can see what down time should be available. Always remember to give yourself adequate time for everything otherwise a schedule can backfire and cause you more stress as you fall behind on it. Things like travel times, traffic, and other delays need to be taken into account as well. Now what you need to do is fill in the blank parts with activities that are going to push you towards your goals. That doesn’t mean you have to be constantly working either though – feel free to have some scheduled downtime when needed. Practising good self-care is a vital part of discipline. Just like a machine, you need to be operating at your best for everything to work properly. Neglect your maintenance and it’s a matter of time before a breakdown occurs. By filling in those blank spaces with something productive, you make sure that you’re moving in the right direction. You’ve already made

the decision of what to do (and when) beforehand, so your willpower muscle isn’t needed as much to get you started. Even when you’re tired, it’s easy to look at a schedule and get on with the next job on your list. This saves a little bit of willpower, but more importantly it gets rid of the daunting feeling that people get when they’re unsure of how they’re going to fit everything in. Chunking Your schedule gives you the task to concentrate on, so don’t worry about what comes after. Just do what’s in front of you. This is chunking in a different way, and it keeps your brain relaxed. Staying relaxed and keeping cortisol low lets you exercise more willpower too. It’s all about harnessing the power of your mind, instead of letting your mind rule you. If you have a big, complex task to do then break it down into smaller steps. These smaller steps can be broken down even more if you need to. Just get it to a point where every step you need to take can be translated into a task for your schedule. This is also chunking. In fact, we’re going to look at chunking in a few different ways. By breaking down your bigger plan into small steps, you create manageable chunks. It’s a lot of work to write an epic novel for example, but it’s not too difficult to write a couple of pages. Repeat that action enough times though and you have a book. Couple it with some planning stages and some editing and you have a decent book. From there it’s a matter of learning, working on your craft, and adjusting. Ultimately though, you’ve achieved a tough goal by breaking it down into tiny chunks. Doing this is another way to get rid of that scary feeling that big jobs

cause. Now you know how to use chunking for big jobs and to get through your schedule. Sometimes you might be struggling outside of those specific areas too. People can get tired, or sick, or be in extremely stressful circumstances. Maybe the job at hand is just one, long slog that can’t really be broken down because it’s similar work over a long period. This is where you can use chunking as a mental trick. Keep in mind this takes practice and self-belief. If you want to pull it off when it’s needed, then you have to practice and try it as much as possible beforehand. I use this in my own fitness training. Special forces operators have brought it up as one of their tricks for getting through the gruelling selection process too. It’s the ability to accept that you’re going to be a little uncomfortable and just go through it for a short period of time. Start with a minute if you need to. Then do a second one. It isn’t about just taking it one minute at a time though, it’s about focusing only on the minute you’re in and trying to reach the end. When I practice this, it’s at the end of a tough run. On a normal run, I have a target distance in mind and always hit it. Sometimes I’m tired and this is difficult to do. Say I’ve picked a 10km run and I’m gassed out at 6km. All I do is try to reach 7km. Then I can stop. That’s literally what I tell myself, that I can stop at 7km. When I reach it though, I know I can do a little more, so I try to hit 8km and call it quits there. I push hard, really struggling towards the end, but hitting the mark gives me another little boost. Now another 1km seems horrible. But 500m? Let’s do that. Then the next 300m. Then 200 more to hit 9km. Now how can I not try for a little more,

being so close to the end? In the case of a special forces soldier, sometimes the end isn’t even known. Sometimes they’re being pursued or have already been captured. In these situations if you can’t stay positive, you might end up dead – and it’s a tough situation to stay positive in. Again though, these people break down time into whatever chunks necessary. It could be the next day, hour, or even the next five seconds. What matters is to stay calm and focused on the goal, positive that something will succeed if you stay the course. By doing this, they survive day-long firefights and months after being captured. People have traversed entire deserts over weeks on foot by taking everything one step at a time. There’s no reason you can’t break that tough task down, taking it one moment at a time, and do the same.

Chapter 7: Intelligence Versus Emotion

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ith the creation of your masterplan, you have a goal. By breaking it down into steps and taking smart action, you can begin the journey towards your goal. We’ve talked in the last chapter about growing as a person and taking steps along your journey, building good habits and getting rid of bad ones. To make sure this is all working properly though, you need to be aware of how you’re progressing. Self-Analysis For most people, it’s easy to underestimate or overestimate how well they’re doing. This is an area where your intelligence has to be used, rather than your emotion. Emotions are feelings. I’m the kind of guy who is very demanding on myself. My emotions usually make me feel as though I’m not doing enough. Unfortunately, that means I can overload myself with work and really struggle to get through my schedule sometimes. This has a bad effect on my mentality, because I start to feel overwhelmed and downhearted about falling behind. In truth, my work rate is usually above where it needs to be – it’s just the way I’m wired means I always feel like I need to do more. On the other hand, some people (maybe most) are wired to believe they’re doing more than they actually are. For these people, even

taking a couple of steps makes it feel like they’re progressing towards their goal. Even one step is better than nothing so they’re right of course – they are progressing. Question is, are they moving at the speed they want to? Probably not. You should always be taking an objective look at how you’re performing in all areas of life. Are you making good schedules that aren’t too easy or too demanding? Are you sticking to them? Have you been forming good habits and sticking to them, just how your plan says you should? Have you been dropping the bad ones? Or have you been a little lazy at times, perhaps with a couple of slip ups? Remember everybody makes mistakes. Changing your mind and your life isn’t as simple as flicking a switch. It takes time and consistent effort. If you mess up a couple of times or let your standards slide a little, that’s okay. The important thing is to be moving forward and at a decent speed. Analyze your performance and habits, take stock of what you’re sticking to and what you’re failing at. Be honest about it, because you are doing this for you! If you need to sharpen up a couple of habits or change your approach, do it! It takes an honest, analytical approach to make the most of your new mentality. Everybody slacks off sometimes and everybody makes mistakes. That’s how life is, and it’s how we learn and grow. What matters is that you sit down, look over your schedules, notes, and other plans, and then be honest about your progress. Being honest with yourself is massively important if you want to succeed! Using analysis like this can give you a boost too. It’ll show you what

you’re doing well and which points you’re sticking to. Knowing this and comparing it to your schedules from a few months back can show an incredible amount of growth in that time. You really can make huge changes without much effort if you break those changes down into steps and use a smart plan. How Emotions Affect Performance Listen to anybody who has to perform professionally in a stressful environment and they’ll tell you that emotional control is vital. For athletes, soldiers, and business owners all over the world, emotion can have a massive effect. These are the professions where we can see the effects most easily. A sportsman putting in a bad performance is more likely to lose their temper than one performing well. This is down to the frustration they feel with being shut down or unable to perform. Back in the 80’s and 90’s, Mike Tyson was absolutely demolishing the professional boxing scene. Between 1985 and 1996, Tyson went on a tear, losing only once. Outside of an upset loss to Buster Douglas, “Iron Mike” had won every fight to achieve a 45-1 record. Of those 45 wins, only 5 men had survived to see the final bell. Then came the fights against Evander Holyfield… In the first fight, Holyfield shut Tyson down in the clinch. He bent the rules and used some controversial tactics to stifle Tyson and take the win. In the rematch, he opened up in the same way. Tyson quickly became frustrated and responded by biting off a piece of Holyfield’s ear. This got him disqualified and banned from boxing. Years later, Oprah would interview Tyson and ask what happened. Here is Mike’s answer:

“I was angry that he was butting me. He cut my head in the first fight and then did it again. I was angry and in a rage. It’s no excuse for what happened, but I wanted to inflict pain on him. I was just p*ss*d off that he was such a great fighter too, wanted to just beat him up.” Boxing is a combat sport. Both men are trying to hurt each other and land punches. Here you can see one of the all-time greats talk about how angry and riled up he was because he was facing a better opponent. He lost his composure and his temper, leading to a disgraceful incident and a big career loss. Situations like this happen all over the world in sports. Novak Djokovic destroying rackets, Zinedane Zidane landing a headbutt, and the Pacers and Pistons brawling on court – all of these are examples of emotion getting the better of people. In every one of those situations, we’re talking about top level athletes. These people know the intelligent approach to competing in their sports. They have discipline and drive, and they are able to break things down and deal with the problem at hand. They know how to be mentally tough and how to use their willpower, since these are both key traits for elite athletes. The problem in these situations is their emotional control. Emotions can have their place when it comes to performance. Earlier on I mentioned Mike Tyson’s only loss in those first 11 years of his career. It came against Buster Douglas in 1990, at a time when Tyson was considered unstoppable and the Douglas was considered more of a gatekeeper than championship material. The fight was supposed to be a tune up for Tyson, an easy win before he moved on to a big money bout.

For Douglas though, this was the biggest fight of his career. He was training hard for it every day, putting everything he could into it with the aim of making his mother proud. A few weeks before the fight, Douglas’ mother unfortunately passed away, leaving him in a highly emotional state. When an athlete has a meltdown and loses their cool, it’s due to emotion – often because of a bad performance, or mind games from the opposition/fans. Other times it’s down to frustration at not being good enough or bad refereeing. All of these situations can cause a bad emotional reaction and have negative effects. On the flipside, there are many athletes who achieve success because of emotion. There are plenty of people who came from bad circumstances to achieve success. Ray Lewis, Floyd Mayweather Jr., and Lebron James are all examples of rags to riches stories. For these people, the bad childhoods and negative emotions became fuel. It gave them the intensity to reach the top and stay there, to be the best in their field. Harnessing emotion in this way brought them success. Buster Douglas did the same thing when his mother died. He harnessed it into his last couple of weeks in training camp. Then he kept it in mind during the fight too, unafraid of Tyson’s attacks and fighting his own fight. In most of Tyson’s earlier fights, his opponents were intimidated by his reputation, his physique, and his aggression. Mentally they were already weak before the opening bell had been rung. Douglas wasn’t like them though, or at least he wasn’t after the untimely death of his mother. She was a proud woman and had been bragging to all of her friends that Buster was going to beat Mike

Tyson. Now with her gone, all he wanted was to give her this last parting gift – the gift of making her right and doing what she had hoped for. Combine this with how emotion was messing with Tyson. He was overly confident and relaxed, convinced that this would be another easy win. Having seen so much success in the last few years, Tyson had taken it easy in training and was fighting with almost no strategy. He loaded up over and over again, looking for that one big shot to end the night. Douglas stayed disciplined, held his distance, and dug deep a couple of times when he looked to be in trouble. He was even knocked down in the 9th round but managed to barely beat the count and keep himself in the fight. From there, he made history in the 10th round by knocking Mike Tyson down – and becoming the first man to beat him. Tyson failed to beat the count and lost by KO, a single blemish with five years of perfect success either side of it. When asked how he was able to win, Buster answered: “Because of my mother.” It’s a perfect example of how emotion can be harnessed and made to have a positive effect on performance. Now you can see that emotions can have good effects, or bad effects. It doesn’t even matter what emotion is being felt at the time because anger has been channelled positively and negatively by people everywhere. The same is true of difficulties in life and frustration. It’s true for sadness, grief, and despair. Any emotion can impact how we think and behave. Two different people can come from very similar backgrounds and end up entirely different based on how they react to situations. One

person may take bad events and be negative, becoming a hopeless person who falls into a destructive cycle. The other might use the negativity as fuel to propel them forwards – determined not to be put in such a bad situation again. It all comes down to what you decide to make of your life. The Evolution of the Human Brain Most animals in existence have a brain. There are some that don’t have a brain, because they don’t need one. A sea sponge is an example of a living creature without a brain. These sponges have stayed on the ocean floor for millions of years, filtering out particles of food and nutrition from the water around them. The filtering happens automatically – they never have any decision to make, there’s no need to be aware of their surroundings, and they don’t need any sensory organs or the ability to move. This is why they work so well without a brain – it doesn’t help them to function or live any better than they can already. For this type of creature, a brain would just be an extra drain on its resources, because for most creatures, it’s the brain that takes the most energy to power. Sea sponges were the earliest branch to split off from other animals in general, and they have had very little reason to evolve since then, benefitting from simplicity and effectiveness. How is all of this relevant to you? Somewhere along the line, billions of years ago, all (or most) living things had a common ancestor. Go back far enough and you’ll find a simple organism, one that was probably capable of finding energy/food sources and reproducing. It would have lacked a brain initially and been able to perform only simple tasks to survive and reproduce.

As time went by, this organism would have mutated and evolved. It would have split into a few different lines, each one evolving differently. One of these ancient lines was that of the sea sponges. They can survive for a long time and have had no need to evolve, living a simple and boring existence. Other lines became more complicated and adaptable. A lot of the evolutions from this organism would have been into bigger, more complicated organisms – the creatures that inhabit todays earth and oceans. These creatures would have been the ones that developed a brain, sensory organs, and mobile lifestyles. Most of our origins can be traced back to the ocean, where life began on this planet. Different types of creatures would have roamed the ocean back then with all kinds of weird and wonderful designs. For mobile creatures, let’s use the average, ancient fish as an example. This animal would need to swim through the water, navigating it accurately. It would need to be able to hunt or otherwise find food in this environment and has to actually eat something rather than draw nutrient particles from the water. Again, this bigger need for energy is because there’s so much more to power – the sensory organs, the digestive system, the decision-making brain, the muscles of the body for movement, the circulatory system to keep everything operational – the list goes on and on! While the brain has so much more to do in this creature, a lot of it must still happen automatically. This is because the animal brain does not have the awareness of a human brain. In most animals, the brain is wired to make specific decisions based on the situation

around them. A great example of this can be seen in ladybugs, or ladybird beetles. These insects are quite harmless and easy to catch if you come across one. They have wings but don’t use them unless there’s a reason. Most of the time, the ladybug will calmly walk around and explore if no danger or food are detected in the area. If you place a leaf, your hand, or any other item directly into the path of the bug it will continue walking straight on to whatever you placed there. This is because they only process whether they can continue in a straight line or not. They don’t have the ability to pre-plan a route, or to remember where they’ve been. It’s like a computer program – it asks, “Is there a path directly ahead?” If there is, it follows it. Get one of these bugs on a stick and it will walk to the end, see the path has ended, and turn around. It will then repeat the process. When it first turns, you must have your hand or something else at the end of the stick, so the bug sees a path off the stick. It will begin the route and not process any further information – like that the path has disappeared. It only notices this when it hits the end. At that time, it looks for another path and heads towards it. You can keep a bug walking on the same stick for a long time in this way because it won’t remember anything. Instead of using memory, it works purely from what it can see/smell/sense, as it was hard-wired to do. On the other hand, a human brain can remember. It can also visualize things and see potential dangers around you – you don’t need to touch the fire to know it’s dangerous. The animal brain is hard-wired for survival but can be beaten because it only has one criteria of responses. The human brain doesn’t; it is much more

intelligent and has many ways to respond to a situation. So the human brain is better, right? Well, in some ways. Before we had our complex human brains, we had simpler animal brains, which were hard-wired for survival. The animal brain cares only about survival and will react in very predictable ways. The human brain is more about adaptation, understanding, and making the most out of a situation. Somewhere along our evolutionary history, we began to switch from one to the other… The Animal Brain Versus the Human Brain Modern day humans can suffer a lot from the evolutionary hangover of an animal brain. With the human brain, it seems we didn’t just switch from one type to the other. The human brain is the most incredible and complex organ in existence. We still don’t truly understand how the entire brain works, which is why brain surgery is so delicate and why brain injuries can be so devastating and hard to treat. It’s literally easier to code a supercomputer than it is to decode the brain. What we know is that the brain has evolved gradually over millions of years and that it differs from the brains of other animals. At the core of our brains is the basal ganglia region, an area which has been likened to the reptile brain by some neuroscientists. This area of the brain is the deepest, so logically it should be the oldest. If we look at birds and reptiles, whose brains have similar structures to this area, we see animals that function mostly on instinct. These animals will seek food, shelter, and heat sources. They have a very basic social structure and not much in the way of family ties. They are wired to survive, feed, and reproduce. A creature of this type only makes very

basic decisions, such as whether to challenge a rival for a mate or not based on the likelihood of winning. There’s no real memory or advanced decision making involved. Outside of the basal ganglia are more advanced systems like the amygdalae and the hypothalamus. Research has shown that these are the areas of the brain that allow us to create memories. They’re also responsible for our emotions and our hormone systems. These regions of the brain can be described as parts of the limbic system, a term that was originally used by neuroscientist Paul MacLean. He proposed that this part of the brain developed as our ancestors diverged away from the reptilian ways of life and became more like modern mammals. These animals would have had the ability to feel basic emotions and to remember past events. This basic level of memory would then allow them to avoid dangers and remember family members. Along with the existence of emotions and a hormonal system, these animals could feel preferences for different foods, individuals, or areas to shelter in. Hard-wired responses are no longer the normal way of life for this animal. It can still make decisions based on survival instincts and these are affected by the existence of memories. This animal can also make emotional decisions though, because the system has now become advanced – an example would be the existence of family groups. Often a family group will stay together and look after each other, the stronger members taking care of the weaker ones. Parenting first becomes a real feature around these times with older animals guarding and nurturing their offspring. In the past, a strong individual

would go solo to maximize their own chance of survival, but now they would remain part of the group to maximize the chance of the family genetics surviving. The shift from hard-wired response to actually processing information and making a decision is well underway. Finally, the most advanced brain region was created – the neocortex. This part of the brain is only found in higher mammals and is the area that allows us humans to have language, the ability to perceive information and learn from the information of others. It gives us the ability to create plans and designs, to draw conclusions from raw information provided to us, and to have a constant awareness of the world around us at all times. The developments to this stage of the human brain allow us to be the intelligent super-beings we are – but the other parts of the brain still exist. These more primitive areas are still involved in how we live day to day, and they still affect us greatly – after all, they’ve been there for millennia and have successfully kept our genetic line alive until today. These parts of the brain are still very basic and they act accordingly. They are still hard-wired to avoid danger, pain, and discomfort. The problem is that to get ahead in modern life, you sometimes have to face discomfort, risk, or pain. If there wasn’t any risk or pain involved in achieving success, everybody would do it, right? Understanding the Instinctual Brain Evolution has wired your brain to avoid negative emotions and experiences. It does this because it wants to keep you (the host animal) happy, healthy, and alive. The happier you are, the better

your life will be. Unfortunately, the animal brain doesn’t understand the concept of planning for the future. It only understands the here and now. At the highest levels of your human brain, you can understand that sacrificing some pleasure now can pay off in the long-term. Going through some discomfort today in the form of work, effort, and discipline can bring you a bigger payoff in the future. Your human brain knows this and can create a plan for you to follow. Follow the plan and you can have the future you dream of. The animal brain doesn’t understand this plan. It only understands what’s in front of it right now – in this case that would be work. It recognizes work as an unpleasant activity with no immediate pay-off because it doesn’t give you any food, shelter, or anything to reproduce with. To the animal brain, work is a fruitless exercise that only brings discomfort and wastes your energy. Much better to stay resting and enjoying yourself until you need to do something more useful. One of the biggest parts of mental discipline is overcoming and outsmarting the animal brain. You have to take control on a conscious level and start living your life to the plan of your human brain instead of living instinctually. When you feel resistance to putting in extra work, it’s your animal brain trying to protect you and keep you happy. When you feel nervous about trying a new venture or hesitant about taking a calculated risk that’s needed for your plan, it’s because your animal brain is trying to avoid danger and uncertainty. It’s so worried about failure that it will try to keep you from trying in the first place. You’ll

feel mental blocks and uncertainty. You will feel stressed as well sometimes, and that’s normal when you’re trying to resist millennia of hard-wired instinct. By understanding why these feelings come up, you can begin to overcome them. Procrastination is a big one, with so many people putting off any work until the last possible minute. Why? So if it isn’t of the highest quality, they already have an excuse. In this case, the animal brain isn’t even protecting you physically anymore, it’s protecting you mentally and emotionally. The instinctive brain will avoid any and all negatives, whether they are real physical dangers or imagined mental ones. It will avoid any situations where you could face embarrassment or difficulty. It will do everything possible to keep you in a safe and secure situation, one where you aren’t challenged or threatened in any way. The problem with this is that growth comes outside of your comfort zones, and success requires an extraordinary effort, which automatically means you have to exit the comfort zone! To overcome your instinctual habits, you should be very conscious of what you are doing and why. Don’t resist what your instincts want to do; instead accept the feeling but with an understanding of why it exists. Allow it to be there and take a mindful approach to focus on the minor pain of what you need to do and the major payoff when it works. Your instincts will become more aligned with your mind by doing this, allowing you to live more productively. The use of calming techniques and mindfulness will lessen the intensity of the negative feelings your instincts create. Relaxing yourself and understanding these feelings reduces their impact and

allows you to stay more in the moment. By being in the moment, you can truly understand and accept that nothing all that bad is going to happen to you. Doing a little work isn’t as horrible as your instincts might believe, and by focusing on the eventual payoff and your reasons for doing this, you can create positive momentum and motivation. Living to the plan of your higher brain is your true path to pleasure and success; it’s the path your instincts should be following, but they don’t know that. Times have changed rapidly and our evolutionary instincts are lagging behind. These days it’s all about risk management and moving forward, taking the extra steps needed to reach your dreams. I once asked one of my university professors how he could have continued higher education for a decade before beginning his profession. With all the studying, the exams and the dissertations, wasn’t he tired and bored? Was it worth it just to have multiple PhD’s? To him it was. To him, every year and every semester was another step to his masterplan. It was all leading to what he wanted – to be the most sought after specialist in his country for his particular area of knowledge. He knew that by being that, he could have the life he wanted. His work could be focused on his passion, day after day. His financial compensation would be plenty, enough for him to live his dreams and secure the wellbeing of his family. His life would have the balance he craved and he would be proud of all of his achievements. For him, this dream was worth a decade of uncomfortable learning and working, grinding away at his craft. For him, the instinctive brain

was overcome early and his higher thinking brain was able to shape the life he wanted. Today he lives happily, just as he deserves to, and continues to educate future generations on psychology and human behavior. Now you have a better understanding of why it can be hard to stay disciplined, even though you know it’s the better option for you. With an awareness of why this happens, you can begin to resist the thoughts and feelings that could cause you to slack off. Stay aware of the long-term pain and costs of being lazy and not reaching your goals. Keep a slight focus on them through your day-to-day life and you’ll start to notice automatic motivation appearing within you. You’ll be able to stay disciplined much more easily if you begin to associate lack of discipline with lasting, long-term pain. Always remember that short-term pleasure is meaningless if it distracts you from long-term goals.

Chapter 8: Controlling the Mind

M

ind control is the kind of superpower everybody would like to have. Being able to control minds and the way they think is pretty much the same as controlling people’s actions. A person acts on their thoughts, so before they can do something, they must think it. Of course people can act quite instinctively or subconsciously, but these decisions are created either by habit or by automatic reactions based on past events – so your brain already decided it knows the best response without needing you to consciously think. There is no special device or trick that will allow you to control the minds of other people. Being able to control your own mind is a superpower in its own way. I’m sure you’re already thinking that you have control over your own mind, but if you had true control, you wouldn’t need the advice in this book. No, true mind control comes when you are able to dismiss any irrelevant thoughts. It comes when you have complete control over your mental focus, when you are able to dismiss intrusive or unhelpful thoughts and instantly replace them with empowering ones. Once you reach this level of control, discipline becomes easier. This is because thoughts of the shortterm pain no longer enter your mind, only of the long-term pain

associated with NOT being disciplined. The same thing happens with pleasure as you focus on the long-term pleasure from reaching your goals instead of the short term pleasure of slacking off. Knowing Yourself The first step to getting control over your thoughts and your mind is to become aware of them. There is an ancient Greek saying of unknown origins that says: “Know thyself.” This saying goes back many decades, though nobody knows exactly how old it is or who originally said it. The quote was inscribed at the Temple of Apollo in Delphi, which was believed to have been constructed by the 4th century B.C. at the latest, so this saying is at least roughly 2400 years old already. A lot of people underestimate the importance of this quote or misunderstand what it means in the first place. “Know thyself? Of course I know myself!” – this is the way of thinking so many people have when they first come across this quote. Over the years, knowing yourself has been given more importance than knowing your enemy or rival. Sun Tzu attached great importance to knowing both yourself and your enemy. Sun Tzu was a tactical genius, an expert in the matters of combat and warfare. For him, it was vital that he knew as much as possible about his enemies – their habits and tendencies, their strengths and weaknesses, their beliefs, their loves, fears, and anything else he could learn about them. Having a complete knowledge was what could give him the edge in the battlefield. He also knew that he needed to know himself. He understood his

own tendencies and preferences and analyzed them as an observer – without any attachment or emotion. He would search for his own weaknesses and accept them. He would find his own strengths, too, and by knowing both his strengths and weaknesses, he was able to steer the battle into situations that favored him over his enemies. Sun Tzu knew that sometimes your own weaknesses meant you should not attack your opponents’ weak points. At other times, your strengths may make it possible to attack your opponent at his strongest point. It didn’t come down to the simple approach of knowing what is strong versus what is weak; it came down to knowing how your own strengths/weaknesses match up against the opposition in different areas. This way you can find where you have the biggest advantage over your opponent, even it isn’t your best strength. This is what knowing yourself means. Beyond that, knowing yourself is also about honesty. If you tend to be flustered in the face of challenges, you need to know and accept this beforehand. Ignoring it can put you in a dangerous situation. Long ago I was taken out on a team-building exercise with a group of my colleagues. In the business world, we take a lot of parallels from war and the military. The fact that Sun Tzu is considered such a huge influence in the modern business world is a great example of this. On the team-building exercise, we were practicing this in full – it was an event ran by former military personnel and based on a military theme. Our challenge at the time was to transport a bunch of equipment across some difficult terrain and in harsh conditions. As part of the brief, we were told that we had to complete the mission in a certain timeframe because we were being hunted by the enemy.

The key to accomplishing this mission was good teamwork. More than teamwork, it was important to know the team and to maximize their performance by splitting jobs up properly. When the task began, we didn’t know any of this. So, what did we do? Obviously we tried to keep things equal, because that’s what modern day society has told us. We live in a time where equality and fairness are being pushed massively. Everybody is told that they have the ability and right to do anything that any other person can. At a fundamental level, this is true of course – we all start off with similar levels of potential. I believe that almost any young child can be trained and taught to be a high achiever in any field if the right approach is taken. What I don’t believe is that any/every adult is capable of producing what another adult is. Over our lives, we are all shaped by circumstances and take on different traits and abilities. A child is like a blank slate, and while they may have slightly different talents, most of them have massive potential. An adult has already begun to learn his limits and no longer has that useful ability to absorb information and learn rapidly. We all have different skills and strengths, different ways of handling issues, and different weaknesses. It’s what makes us all individuals, and it’s actually what allows us humans to be successful as a society – because our strength doesn’t come from individuals, it comes from the unity and togetherness of our society. Modern day scientists are building on the work of the experts who came before them, allowing them to take the next step and move our society forwards. For example, we have the world’s greatest engineering minds working on building the next generation of tech

and we get the most out of them by providing them with every tool and resource needed. We try to build the best possible teams around them so they can work together and build on the knowledge of those who came before them. We don’t expect them to contribute to other areas of our society though. I mean, why would we?! Could you imagine the waste of talent if we asked the engineer to also take part in basic construction? The engineers time and effort would be wasted on a basic job that somebody else could do, while there’s nobody skilled enough to replace them in their actual job. This is an example of society using its resources wisely to make the best gains. As you can see here, humans aren’t the same and they aren’t equal. Each one is individual and this is something to be celebrated. No human should feel they are better than other people based on a skill – the basic home builder is also a vital cog in our societal machine, and they deserve admiration and appreciation. People shouldn’t feel bad for having their own specialist skills and talents either though. In fact, being an individual should be embraced, because it’s by having different strengths that we can create strong teams, strong businesses, and strong societies. Now, back to our team-building mission. Our problem here was that we were so heavily invested in the idea of equality. None of us wanted to tell each other that we weren’t good at things, so there was a lot of “fairness for the sake of being fair” instead of focusing on how to best do the job. We rotated our lookouts so that everybody was on lookout duty at some point. We also rotated our lead scout so no one person had to do too much running back and forth, and we divided the

responsibility of carrying the equipment equally. Every five minutes we would swap the carriers around, again making it equal. The mission wasn’t a complete disaster, but it certainly could have gone smoother. When we finished, the C.O. (Commanding Officer) went over a quick debrief with us. A few of his early questions really drove home how important it is to focus on strengths and weaknesses, then gear your plan according to those. “Why did you have these tiny women carrying the same amount of equipment as the big 6’4” tanks?! Why didn’t you let the big guys carry more so you could all move faster?!” “What was the idea behind rotating your big guys in as scouts too? They stand out a mile coming over the horizon and it’s a waste of their energy to try and zip around the terrain fast and unseen!” “Do you not realize that by changing the lookout, you’ve got a new lookout coming in who doesn’t know if anything just changed in the surroundings? This is their first time looking at the surroundings and terrain!” “Why was there so much discussion and so many voices every time a decision had to be made? Where was the leadership, where was the organization?” Each and every point was a valid one, and it seemed to make so much sense now that it was pointed out. Of course we should have just given the big guys most of the equipment, because they could carry it without becoming exhausted. If they needed a break later on, we could have swapped for a short while, but for the most part, they would have been able to move the equipment and still be in good shape – compared to a couple of our smaller members who had been left exhausted by trying to carry heavy items.

On the flipside, our big guys found it exhausting if they had to lead scout, running back and forth trying to path find and trying to relay information. They really would have been better off using their strength to carry stuff while the smaller team members saved energy, because for them, covering the ground on foot was a much easier job than carrying equipment. The same applied for our leadership – those who were best equipped to lead should have been left to it. There should have been a better chain of command in place, allowing everybody to do what they did best, and allowing the team as a whole to finish the mission faster and to stay safer along the way. From that day, I’ve always known the importance of knowing your strengths and weaknesses. You have to be extremely honest with yourself and with others. Before this exercise, I would always try my best on any job. Now I don’t hesitate to pass on a project that might be better suited to somebody else. This might sound picky to some, but my success has been achieved with this method. Of course I don’t limit myself or stick ONLY to what I excel at – there has to be some pushing of the boundaries since that’s the way we learn and grow. I focus on what I can do well and try to build my skills from there. When it comes to making progress in your own life, figure out what your strengths and weaknesses are and work to them. One of my past problems was procrastination. It’s so easy to slack off and do the minimum when you have the space to get away with it. I became aware of this weakness, this tendency to back off if there was enough time/space to get away with it. Two of my strengths that are

relevant are that I can work well to a deadline and that I’m highly productive in mornings. To leverage this, I began to schedule my work in a way that it was mostly in the mornings. Instantly there was a jump in my productivity because most of my actual work was done in the mornings, while the afternoons were more for admin, chores, and menial tasks. Structuring my life in this way took advantage of my strength at performing early in the day and allowed my weakness of slacking off later to become less of a problem. If something didn’t get my full attention, at least it wasn’t important enough to actually affect my life. The other thing I had to do was accept that I wasn’t going to smash out assignments ahead of their deadlines. It just didn’t work for me. I could put double the amount of time in and still end up with the same work, because it was the deadline itself that helped motivate and fuel me for work. My solution here was one that worked for me, but one that some people might find highly stressful. Again, knowing yourself is important. I knew I could handle the stress and that it would actually be a benefit to me, because it would fuel my work rate. What did I do? I started scheduling work in such a way that I had to make the most of it whenever I did sit down to work. If I didn’t, there wasn’t enough time assigned to get the project finished by deadline day. This forced me to sit and be productive each and every time and to make sure I had to stick to those time slots. I filled the rest of my time with other work, chores, social time, and self-improvement. The plan was to develop and progress in all areas of life and by restricting each one to its own time slots, I made every activity more important to myself. I knew that no matter where I was in my day, there was something else coming up on the schedule

– even my relaxation time had a slot at the end of each day! For some people, sticking to the schedule would be a problem because mine doesn’t have much flexibility. Again, it comes back to knowing yourself and how you work. For me, this schedule is perfect. I like being able to look at it and have it tell me what to do or where to go. I like not having too much lax time, but I also don’t schedule end-to-end so there is a little breathing space if needed. Somebody else might like more of a vague and flexible schedule, while another person might prefer a to-do list that can be checked off in any order, rather than a strict, ordered schedule. It all comes down to knowing yourself. What will work for you? Embrace that! What won’t work for you? Ditch it! Mental Awareness At the start of this chapter we talked about mind control and how you can create control over your own mind to enforce discipline and shape your life. The way you do this is by being aware of your thoughts and gaining control over those. Everything starts with our thoughts. These thoughts are massively powerful because they create our words, our actions, and our selfimage. Remember self-belief and the importance of seeing yourself in the right way? This comes back to your thoughts. There are all kinds of people out there and each has their own way of interpreting and processing life. When it comes to thoughts, people have different ways of producing them. Some people literally just have a thought about something. Others are more feeling based and will feel an emotion first, followed by a certain thought – perhaps of a person or situation, maybe a task that needs doing, or the

thought of a memory. Others have thoughts but understand them as a “voice” in their heads, which they can hear speak internally. All of these are different ways of thinking and there are probably many more ways used by some of the 7 billion+ people on this planet right now. It doesn’t matter how your thoughts come up, what matters is there are similarities between all people in some ways. One of these is how we can have “intrusive” thoughts. An intrusive thought is one that comes out without you actively choosing to think about it. It happens to everyone, but these thoughts can be more frequent and more intense in some people than others. To overcome these, most people start resisting the thoughts or trying to distract themselves by focusing elsewhere. This isn’t a good choice because the more you resist the thought, the more power you give it. Meditation can be a great way to learn about this process, because when we meditate we are aiming to become aware of everything around us without being overly attached. Meditation teaches you to be in the moment and to hear the sounds around you, feel the air temperature, the feel of the chair you’re sitting on, and smell the scents that are around you. The reason we are taught not to label or linger on any of this when we meditate is because lingering on something, naming/labelling it, or even trying to focus on it more intensely will bring you out of the moment. It will create a focus on a thing, which you have defined in your mind, which you have expectations from. Instead, just enjoy the experience without any assumptions or expectations. When you can do this with the sounds and smells around you, you

can also do it with thoughts and emotions. Sometimes you will feel an emotion or a thought will suddenly pop into your head. Do not resist it! There’s a reason for every thought or emotion we experience. The reason is often related to the way we are hardwired. Yes, once again those evolutionary traits that have helped us for so long might now be holding you back. You know that by being aware of your instincts and why they are happening, you can lessen their power over you. The same is true of your thoughts. If you can become aware of them and observe them without getting attached or caught up in them, then they will lose their power over you. Meditation teaches you to do exactly that; it teaches you to let your thoughts pass and acknowledge them without attaching yourself to the experience. Once more, I would urge you to check out one of our meditation or mindfulness guides to gain a deeper understanding of how to do this. When you first start meditating, just separating from your thoughts is the main focus. Beginners will get lost in the thought, they will be distracted by it and give it focus. At some point, they will realize that they aren’t in the moment anymore, instead having gotten caught up in the thought. This is where the thought can be acknowledged and let go. Over time it becomes easier to let thoughts go, and you can reach the point where a thought drifts through your mind without any attachment, allowing you to accept it and let it go before it can gain a foothold in your mind. This is the stage where you are observing your thoughts instead of experiencing them from within. You have separated your awareness and life energy from your thought

process. The brain is an organ just like any other in the body, it is not YOU, it is an organ that serves you and is powered by you. Observation of your thoughts gives you a deeper understanding of where they come from and why they are happening. You’ll get an understanding of the reasons behind the way you think and why specific thoughts seem to come into your mind by themselves. This is another level of knowing yourself, another level of delving into your inner workings. As your understanding of the why behind your thoughts begins to grow, you will get some important answers. You’ll know what it is that your evolutionary hard-wiring is trying to avoid. You’ll know if it’s a fear of risk or exposure, or if it’s a fear of failure. You’ll know if there are past events that somehow keep on surfacing and affecting you. You’ll know if there is some underlying anxiety or fear powering your thoughts. It isn’t all negative answers though. Understanding your thoughts and the reasons they occur can also show you what you really desire and what makes you feel good or at home. You can figure out the best ways to motivate yourself and what you desire. Using this information you can create a frame (or scenario) for your life, which integrates your wants, needs, and desires with the work you need to do to achieve your goals. It’s an even deeper level of understanding that pleasure will come in the long-term by doing what’s needed now. It’s having that same understanding when it comes to putting off work and being undisciplined, and how allowing these things to happen will cause you long-term pain in your life. It’s not magic, but it will feel that way once you get the hang of it.

Understanding yourself means you can align your life in a harmonious way so that everything has a purpose and a goal and that all of those reasons are totally understood by you at all times. When you know why you’re doing what you’re doing and have faith in the payoff, you are much more likely to stay on the path to success and stay disciplined. Your evolutionary hard-wiring will begin to accept that the better path is to let you take active control, as it realizes the pain of staying disciplined is minor while the reward is major. It will stop fighting against you, letting you easily reach a more productive state. More than that, you’ll start to have less and less intrusive thoughts. Your mind will wander less and your focus will improve. There are a whole bunch of other positive effects to regular meditation as well, such as a better immune system and less stress (proven by lower levels of cortisol in the body). Remember what we said about thoughts becoming words and actions? At this stage, you will have incredible control over your thoughts, eliminating any negative or intrusive ones. That allows you to live without any negativity in your mind, which means your words and actions are much more likely to be positive. Positive momentum starts here, with your thoughts. Carry it through each day and you will find yourself becoming more disciplined, more productive, and more motivated. By mastering control over your own mind, you have virtually taken control of your reality.

Chapter 9: Emotions, Fear, and Setbacks

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houghts are a difficult area to control, but we’ve already covered the best way to do it. The methods in this guide will work for anybody if they are used in the way instructed, which means anybody can gain control over their own thoughts. Anybody can shape their mental state from here and create the life they want. Imagine now that you’ve progressed far enough that your thoughts are under control and you’re beginning to see success in all areas of your life. Suddenly disaster strikes – some kind of crisis involving your work and professional life. Now you’re under massive amounts of stress from out of nowhere, and yet it’s more important than ever that you stay totally functional and productive. It’s more important than ever that you stay calm and clear headed so that you can make the right decisions. While all of this is going on, you’ve also had something bad happen in your personal life. It could be something truly terrible, such as a loved one falling seriously ill or being hurt badly. There’s even more pressure on you and to make matters worse, your mind is constantly focused on your family instead of what you need to do at work. With the pressure on and emotions high, it’s easy for your mood to

fall and for you to feel lower than usual. If this happens, your selfdiscipline in life will be tested. Many people struggle to keep their discipline up in the face of tough times. Excuses start to pop into our minds and we start to believe that these reasons to back off are real. How could you keep on being positive and productive during such a bad time? The Importance of Resilience Life is a roller coaster journey full of ups and downs. A few chapters ago we touched on a former Navy SEAL named David Goggins. This man is known for his mental toughness, discipline, and his incredible resilience. Goggins is a former world record holder for the most pullups done in 24 hours. During his first attempt at this record in 2012, he pushed so hard that a muscle actually burst through the skin of his right arm. A later x-ray confirmed the muscle itself had also torn. Despite this setback and the immense pain it would have caused him, David was back at a pull-up bar and about to try and break the record once more after just two months. Once again he started off with a great pace and was well over half way to the record in the first 12 hours. Once again he suffered an injury, this time to his left hand, which derailed him and stopped the attempt. After two horrific injuries within two months, most people would have given up altogether. Goggins waited only another two months, taking us to January 2013. This time he managed to set a new world record (at the time) with 4,030 pull-ups within 24 hours. David Goggins is an example of toughness and resilience. He is a man who refuses to accept defeat with his mind. He also refuses to accept negative emotions or weakness in the face of adversity. For

him there wasn’t much of a choice. He had to be mentally and emotionally strong just to survive the childhood he lived through. Goggins was a victim of extreme abuse as a child. He spent the early years of his life attending school during the day and working at his father’s skating rink after school. The long gruelling hours left him exhausted and unable to perform at school. During all of this, David would witness the physical abuse his mother endured at the hands of his father. David’s father would also target him sometimes, whether with a belt or a hand. After escaping his father at the age of eight, David had to experience the hardship of being separated from his older brother. On top of that, he ended up moving to an almost exclusively white area. This area also happened to be a hub for the KKK, so you can imagine that Goggins experienced a huge amount of racism at school. His teachers didn’t care and neither did anybody else. He was the only black child there, so they ignored his complaints and left him to be victimised by the other students. David also began to experience severe learning difficulties as a result of the stress from his childhood. Even at such a young age, he began to lose hair and developed a stutter. His life as a victim continued with the racism now affecting him out of school as well. As if all of this wasn’t enough, his father refused to give any decent amount of cash for him or his mother to live on. They survived in poverty conditions, living in squalor and going without any of the extras in life. A lot of people in the world would have broken and folded at even one of these terrible events. For David, they didn’t even stop there.

He ended up reaching adulthood and deciding to join the military, dreaming that one day he could be a pararescue soldier. Here his emotions were tested again as he had to learn how to swim. David had never been able to afford swimming lessons, and he was extremely fearful of the water. During medical tests at this point, it was revealed that he had a vulnerability to sickle cell anemia. Suffering mentally and emotionally from the hardships of his life, Goggins made the choice to fold and leave the military. The sickle cell trait was his reason, a genuine excuse to get out of the military and to abandon his dreams of being part of an elite unit. If asked about these days, Goggins is fast to admit that he was choosing the easy way out. He admits that he could have stayed, could have pushed harder, and maybe even made it to his dream of being a paratrooper. The real reason he left wasn’t the medical diagnosis, it was the increasing fear and discomfort he was feeling because of the swimming tests and challenges. Falling into one of the lowest times in his life, Goggins began to put on weight rapidly. He became obese and unhealthy, now working a low-rate job as an exterminator. Still suffering from his past, still experiencing racism, and feeling at one of the lowest points of his life, David Goggins stumbled across something that lit a fire in him – a documentary on the Navy SEALs. Here was a group of people who formed one of the world’s most elite fighting forces. This brotherhood could go to hell and back without cracking or folding. They could endure the toughest of situations and keep on ticking. At this time, one thing David KNEW was that

something had to change. He had to push hard one more time to find what was within him because he was entirely sick and tired of his mediocre existence. He refused to stay at this low point. Instead, he decided then and there to go through whatever it would take in order to reach his goals and become the person he wanted to be. Having already suffered in bits and pieces through life, Goggins decided he was going to suffer willingly, and professionally, in extreme ways. He would suck it up and absorb whatever hell was inflicted on him during BUD/S camp and the rest of Navy SEAL training. He would endure this pain because he knew it was temporary. He knew that by going through this hell, he would be able to escape the hell he was already living in every day. He knew that by enduring the short-term pain of becoming a SEAL, he would defeat the long-term pain of his unhappy life. This is a real life example of emotional resilience, a man who went through unspeakable pain and came out on the other side refusing to be broken. If you want to succeed in life and be truly disciplined, you need to be resilient too. Life will throw you a curveball at some point; it will come up with a situation that messes with you on an emotional level. Something could happen to a loved one, or your relationship could fall apart suddenly. Disasters happen all over the world each and every day, and none of us are safe from their effects. When these things happen, the worst thing you can do is respond emotionally. You must remain calm and remain focused on your goals. Dealing With Emotional Reactions

Emotions and thoughts can both pop up unexpectedly and derail your discipline. Thoughts can pop up because of underlying fears or insecurities. You might also get intrusive thoughts, which seem to happen without any reason – they just seem to pop up at unrelated times by themselves. You’ve learned already how to get past these thoughts – simply be aware of them and acknowledge them. Resisting them gives them more power and drains some of your willpower, leaving you with less for anything else you need to do. Allowing them and then observing them keeps your willpower free for other things. If you can allow the thought and observe it as if you were an outsider, it loses its power. You can look at the thought logically and might see that it actually seems like a silly thing to worry about. Other times you will figure out what your deeper fears are by observing thoughts and be able to calm your mind by reminding it that logically, you are in no real danger. Emotions work in a similar way too, but not exactly the same. Emotions usually happen as a reaction to some kind of event, so they aren’t as random as thoughts. It is possible to randomly feel emotions at times, but this is usually a sign of something else being wrong – usually there are strong emotions being repressed and held back. By burying emotions deep down and ignoring them, we create a big problem for ourselves. The human body has to be healthy and happy to operate properly. If you are hiding massive stress and emotional trauma, it can begin to surface in other ways. David Goggins suffered from toxic stress as a child, causing him to lose hair and skin pigment while developing a

stutter. He also suffered with learning difficulties, another symptom of toxic stress. All of this happened because he was undergoing emotional trauma with no healthy way to process it or understand it. Fortunately, he survived this rough childhood and went on to become one of the strongest people in existence. The problem that humans have with emotions is that we don’t like the unpleasant ones. We try to avoid them because we don’t want to feel bad, or angry, or sad. Sometimes we are able to bury them for a while without any major bad signs coming up, but that doesn’t always work. The other problem with burying emotions is the more you bury, the harder it becomes to keep everything hidden. As more and more emotional baggage builds up inside you, your ability to deal with new emotional trauma becomes smaller and smaller. Eventually something might burst back out unexpectedly, leading to a panic attack or breakdown. For some people, this starts an outpouring of emotion and trauma as everything that was buried all comes tumbling out at the same time. In this state, people can shut down entirely. I’ve heard plenty of stories about soldiers in warzones who suddenly broke down. Some of them freak out and shut down entirely, unable to continue fighting, doing nothing but hiding and trying to survive. Others go into the depths of despair, accepting death and remembering all of the terror that they have seen, while some go in the opposite direction and become hysterical, laughing uncontrollably and believing nothing can hurt them – or even that none of this is real. It doesn’t matter which way somebody cracks, what matters is that they cracked in the first place – and a big part of it was those buried

emotions, which become fuel for the breakdown. To deal with emotions, you first have to experience them. This is a bit different from allowing a thought, because with an emotion you are going to feel it fully when you experience it – this is why some people initially bury the emotion. There are times when burying the emotion is the right thing to do. If you’re in the middle of an important meeting and you get some bad news, you may have to bury that until the meeting is finished. A soldier in the field might have to experience the death of his friends around him and have to bury it until the mission is over – there is no time in the field to stop or mourn. These are examples of how burying an emotion can be a good thing, but it should only be done temporarily and if it’s REALLY needed. The emotion still needs to be felt and processed though, and this should happen as soon as there is time and space for it. Experiencing emotions in this way, especially negative ones, can be very hard. If you avoid it though, the negative emotion will be leaking into your life and affecting you for the rest of your time on this earth. It’s better to just experience the emotion now, fully and intensely. It will feel bad at times; it will feel upsetting and might make you feel angry at the world. There’s a reason you feel this way though; allow it and experience it. It isn’t wrong to be angry over injustices in your life. It isn’t wrong to be sad when something bad happens or to wonder how life could be so cruel in the first place. When you experience your emotions in this way, the feeling will gradually begin to pass. You don’t have to make sense of what happened – sometimes things happen for no reason, and bad things can happen to good people just like good things can happen to bad

people. There is no ruleset to the world or any real reason for anything to happen. Life is quite random in that way. Emotions can take a lot longer to work through than thoughts. Thoughts can be dealt with in minutes. Emotions can sometimes be dealt with in minutes too. Other times they might need hours, days, or even weeks. It all depends on the level of the feeling and what caused it. Along with life events, some people will also experience emotions at random times – sudden anxiety or fear are good examples. This is usually related to burying emotions and not dealing with them or not being aware of your own emotional state. Meditation is helpful here, too, because it calms you enough to notice when you’re entering an emotional state. In those situations, it’s the deeper trauma that you need to find and understand. You have to figure out what you have buried and why. Then you can begin to unlock that feeling inside you and process the emotional trauma there. Whether the emotion is caused by something new or something already there, you still have to feel it to process it. When you allow an emotion to be felt, it begins to lose its intensity over time. Some emotions are strong enough that you might never totally process and release it, like if a loved one has passed away. That’s okay; you don’t need every emotion to leave you completely. Process the ones that can be processed and let them go. Understand the feelings you’re having and accept them as justified. Then you can release the emotion and carry on with your life. Learning to deal with emotions in this way makes it harder for you to

be emotionally affected in the future too. Once you become really good at processing emotions, most events won’t have any noticeable effect on you. You’ll be able to ignore emotions healthily in the shortterm and process them in the long-term. Emotional Fuel For more intense emotions (such as the death example), we are going to struggle to completely let go. This is when you process the feeling until it loses most of its intensity. In the case of a death, you would process it to the point where you can actually function in the world again. It may be years until you totally accept this person has gone, and that isn’t a bad thing. Emotions that last a lot longer can be used in a different way though. They can be processed enough that they don’t cause us any damage, and then they can be used as fuel for your discipline. With negative emotions and events, you might be left with some anger or rage. You can choose to channel this and use it as fuel for your discipline. I’ve heard many military personnel talk about how they have pushed so far in life because they are driven by the memories of their friends who are no longer here. Because they have close people who aren’t even alive anymore, they use it as their reason to live as fully as possible and to achieve the most they possibly can. There are others who have incredible drive fuelled by the deaths of family members, particularly parents. These people are doing everything possible to make their loved ones proud, whether they’re still here or not. Doing this with a raw emotion is dangerous because it can fuel you in erratic ways. It can lead you to taking extreme actions that are

dangerous and unnecessary. It’s better to process the feeling as much as you can. Personally, I use this method myself, because my life has had some bad events too. Like many other people, I have experienced bad times and have lost some family members unexpectedly. I managed to process my emotions until I was past the depression stage and past feeling angry at the entire world. I processed them until I was able to be functional, but still I felt a slow burning anger within over the things that had happened. It’s this slow burning anger that I look for anytime I feel tired, lazy, or overwhelmed. It reminds me that there are people I wish could be here today to experience life with me – and it reminds me that those people aren’t able to experience anything anymore. That drives me to do everything in my power and leave a mark in their honour. It drives me to achieve all that I can so when my time comes, my loved ones can live a little easier than I did, and so they can feel proud of all I did before leaving this existence. Positive emotions can work in the same way too. Visualizing the life you want to live and the happiness you could feel. If you have a partner, you might imagine the rewards you will both get thanks to your discipline. You might think of the extra time you guys could have together if you achieve financial freedom through mental discipline. This also works for positive experiences that you’ve had in the past. You can mentally associate your continued mental discipline with the reward of positive experiences. You can use them as a goal/target to aim for when pushing through your daily tasks. A combination of positive emotions and negative emotions can create super-high drive. For some people, positive works better, while for others it’s

negative. Combining both can supercharge your fuel tank though and give you some real, intense reasons to want to continue and reach your goals. If you can make a goal feel very personal and closely associated to the negative (or positive) events in your life, then it gives you a lot more reason to stay disciplined. When something happens that affects you deeply, it’s hard to entirely let go. You can process and accept it, but you probably won’t forget it. Remember earlier when I talked about my own negative feelings and how I use them as fuel? You can do the same. If you have experienced discomfort, stress, or hard times in life, use them to fuel your journey. Use that feeling of being teased to fuel your drive for a new body. Use the horrible things you’ve been through to provide determination for success, so if something happens again, you’re at least much more prepared for it. Some of us are bothered daily by things in our past. That’s okay, just use it in a good way, as something to drive you towards success. Emotional Toughness Experiencing emotions and allowing them to be felt in full is a good thing for one other reason too – it desensitizes you. When people bury their emotions immediately, they never really feel them. They decide the pain/hurt is too much and bury the feeling, ignoring it completely. If you choose to go through these feelings and experience them instead, the negative feelings will have less effect on you next time. You toughen yourself and become more able to deal with bad situations. Emotional toughness isn’t about denying feelings, it’s about allowing

them so you can build up some resistance and resilience. Thoughts are a lot easier to deal with because they come from the logical part of your body – the brain. They usually make sense and it’s easier to analyze them and pick them apart. When you’ve figured out the reasons for them and how to deal with them, it’s quite straightforward. Emotions don’t work that way. They come from the way you feel, which isn’t so logical. Usually they originate from outside of your body, too, from a place you can’t control. Life is full of random events and some of those are always going to be bad. Remember that life is a roller coaster; it has as many downs as ups. Without the bad experiences, you wouldn’t be able to feel happiness anyway. Think of a child who is raised in a sheltered and privileged life. They almost never experience anything bad. At some point, say in their teen years, they experience a bad social rejection or a break-up. This would be a massive feeling of pain and loss compared to anything they’ve felt before. They would be feeling a huge amount of trauma. Compare that to a child from a third world country who has grown up surrounded by war. If this child makes it to a safer place by their teen years, then experiences the same break-up, they won’t be so badly affected. They’ll have experienced many worse lows than this already and can probably shrug off the break-up and process it healthily. For this person, joy can be reached a lot easier too. Just being safe in everyday life and having access to food, water, clothing, and shelter would be a massive bonus to this person. The spoiled child from the first example wouldn’t really value those

things though. They’d already be used to the basics in life and could even take the luxuries for granted. The point is that everybody has an emotional “level” based on their life experiences. Understanding this can help you to process any negative emotions that come your way. In the second part, we will look at a psychological technique called “framing,” which can help a lot with this too. Building emotional toughness just comes down to accepting anything bad that does happen and working through it. It helps to remember that no matter what terrible situation happens, there are other people who have been through it and survived, even thrived. There are also plenty of people out there who are in worse circumstances and who aren’t giving up. The world is full of many horrors, and compared to some of them, our lives really aren’t that bad. We always have to accept what has happened, has happened, whether it was good or bad. From there, we have to process it and live with it. If we can use these emotions for fuel, they can be turned to our advantage, but with some of the bad ones (like the sorrow of losing someone), we will still feel a pain or sorrow attached to what happened. This usually happens when we are struggling to figure out the reason why. Why would something so bad happen? Why to you or somebody you care so much for? The simple answer is – there is no known and obvious reason. Life doesn’t give us straight answers. The best we can do is live with the intention of creating positivity and not hurting others. Emotions might hurt, but they don’t have to control you, and you

don’t have to let them dictate your life and your outcome. You can still be sad and disciplined at the same time. Emotional toughness is about showing life that it won’t turn you from what you really want – even if you happen to encounter pain along that journey. The person who can make any worthwhile life journey without experiencing pain is rare indeed. What matters more is the person who can take it in their stride and keep moving, even if they need a small break or to slow down for a little while. Never leave the path entirely though. Rest when you must, then remember your reasons for being disciplined and get back on the path.

Chapter 10: Overcoming Fears and Setbacks

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hen it comes to discipline, a big part of it is figuring out what is stopping you and why. Some of the biggest problems that people have with mental discipline are caused by their own minds and the thoughts they give out. Intrusive thoughts, negative thinking, and a lack of self-belief are all problems rooted in your thoughts. Your thoughts aren’t the cause of them though. The cause is some kind of fear, doubt, or lack of confidence. These problems cause you to doubt yourself or your ability. It won’t even be clear that this is why the thoughts are coming up, and your reasons will be different from other people’s reasons. In my case, the fear was that I wasn’t good enough to accomplish what I wanted to. I was working hard already and trying to get ahead, but I noticed that I kept handicapping myself. My discipline would be lacking at the worst possible times, so I was always doing everything at the last minute, cramming things in, and rushing around. This was when I started getting deeper into self-analysis. I wanted to figure out what was really happening below the surface, because on the surface, I fully wanted to be successful and I totally intended to be on top of everything. From research I learned there are some common fears that people have that hold them back in life. You ever

feel like you really want to do something, or even need to do something, but it just seems so hard to actually get started? Ever have plenty of time to get work done, only to find yourself going at a slow pace, not really concentrating or trying, until it’s almost too late? It feels weird, almost like you don’t really have control over yourself. The problem is we have underlying fears, and those are holding us back in some way. It’s usually hard to see what the fear is or why it’s hindering us because that’s a deep-wired thing, powered by the darkest corners of your mind and emotions, plus evolutionary habits. Plenty of people have caught on to this pattern though, and some of them have investigated it intensely. They’ve been able to break deep into the human psyche and find the process and beliefs behind these fears. By doing that, they’ve discovered which fears are common amongst most people. Common Causes of Self-Sabotage I’ve listed the biggest fears here for you, along with the reasoning your body/mind/soul applies to them. Remember it’s this reasoning, this perception, that causes the problems and not the fear itself. Logic can defeat these pre-made perceptions. With logic, you can see these feelings are grounded in negativity and doubt, not facts. Note - this list doesn’t cover the fear of every human alive; there are always going to be some people who are just wired differently. Here are the common deep fears that humans tend to have: Fear of Change – Succeeding could mean change. Even trying to succeed could mean change. Change is seen as stressful, potentially bad, and a hard thing to go through.

And who knows what it will actually change into!? Maybe it’s better to stick with the life you know. Fear of Responsibility – If you do start to succeed in life, you might be handed more responsibilities. You could end up having to make much more important decisions or be responsible for other people. That’s a stressful place to be, especially if you make a mistake! Maybe it’s better to avoid all of that and just be responsible for yourself. Fear of Expectation/Pressure – Sometimes when you start to succeed or do well, people expect you to keep that up. What if you can’t? Your mind might even like the idea of being successful and great at something, but the idea of keeping that level up for the rest of your life sounds long, daunting, and tiring. After all, it can feel like success is fleeting. Once you reach a mark, you just make a newer one and have to start the process all over again. Maybe it’s easier to just avoid all of that and stay in a safe, quiet position. That way nobody can expect anything from you, right? Fear of Being Inadequate – This is usually a socially fuelled fear. It’s a fear of looking bad in front of others if you fail or of finding out yourself that you aren’t as good as you thought. The thing is, everybody fails sometimes. It’s natural to be bad at something, that’s why we have to learn and gain experience. Over time, you start to get better, and you can succeed. If you fear failure in the first place, maybe because you feel you’ll be ridiculed or something, then it’s

pretty hard to get going at all. In this case, you’re associating failure with so much pain that you’d rather just not try – Maybe it’s safer to not try, because that way you can’t possibly be embarrassed. Fear of Attention – Some people don’t actually want to be the center of attention. They don’t want to stand out. There are sayings like “the tallest blade of grass gets cut first” and “the nail which sticks out gets hammered.” These sayings relate to this fear; they’re suggesting that if you stand out too much, you’re going to be targeted. That can happen, but the chances of reaching this level are slim. Let’s face it, not many people are going to be the Steve Jobs and Elon Musks of this world. For most of us, we don’t need to be. We can fulfil all of our dreams without being one of the few most known people in a population of well over 7 billion. That’s why this fear is ridiculous. If you don’t want attention, there’s plenty of ways to avoid it. You can be successful and as much of a grey man or woman as you like. Maybe it is better to just not try, maybe being nobody at all is better than risking a slight chance of some uncomfortable attention, right? Fear of Ridicule – This one is similar to the fears of attention and pressure. I’m sure that you’ve seen a comedian get heckled by the crowd at some point. You might have even seen a performer or speaker of some type get booed offstage. These things happen sometimes in life, but it isn’t the end of the world. It’s just a sign that something has to change, and you need to adapt. Unfortunately, some people

are so afraid of being told they’re not good enough that they won’t try in the first place. Maybe it’s better to give up on your dreams if reaching them means you have to hear some nasty words. Fear of Ego – Some people are worried about success because they think it will change them. This comes from a lack of trust in themselves. Of course, if you were handed unlimited money and power right now, it could easily corrupt you over time. When you have to earn it and fight for it, you tend to appreciate it a lot more. There’s a reason that the people with the most responsibility also have the most power – they’re the ones who are able to make the right decisions. If they weren’t, they wouldn’t have reached that position in the first place. This is true for you as well. The journey to your destination is going to teach and change you, but not in a bad way. This is called personal growth and everybody should be looking to grow. Avoiding success because you don’t want to change is like a child avoiding growing up because they don’t want themselves or their lives to change. It’s great that you feel happy with the way you are now and your life at the moment, but change and growth are much more likely to make it (and you) better than worse. Maybe the possibility of misusing power is reason enough to avoid your life goals and avoid achieving anything though. Fear of Workload – This one is a bit more logical than the others. It’s rooted in a lack of self-belief, which then means there’s not much belief in the journey ending and actually

having a pay-off. It happens when you’re already making sacrifices to try and succeed in life, and they’re costing you in other areas, like your social or family life. If you succeed, the workload is going to get heavier and restrict your time even more, right? Not really. Unless you DO want to be Elon or Branson, you’re probably going to reach a level where you’re happy and start focusing on making life more pleasant instead of pushing for more and more career success. You know your goals and what you need to live a happy life. Once you achieve it, there’s no reason for you to be locked in and sacrificing your time. In fact, it frees your time up – that’s the reason most people WANT to succeed! But hey – maybe it’s better to have a little free time now and sacrifice the possibility of an early retirement and loads of free time later. Fear of Social Change – A bit like the fear of ego, this is a fear that success will change your life. This time it isn’t about trusting yourself and abusing power, it’s about the other people in your life. This fear is often rooted in a feeling of disconnection or separation from others. You feel cut off so you feel like you will be making this journey alone – and then others will be left behind. The truth is you’re always going to have people come in and out of your life, so some people will get left behind whether you change or not. By pushing yourself though, you can be in a position to help those around you. You also act as inspiration for them and can pass on the knowledge on how to succeed. This is good for the people in your life! Being successful is never going to

have a bad impact on people around you unless they don’t care about your well-being. In that case, it’s better to find out and get rid of these people anyway. Unless, maybe it’s better to not achieve anything. Maybe then people will feel sorry for you and be sympathetic, paying attention to you despite the fact that you have nothing to offer? Fear of Disappointment – Sometimes the fear is of actually succeeding and getting what you want. The fear is that it won’t live up to your expectations and that you still won’t be happy – it won’t have made any real difference to how you feel. It’s like the whole “money doesn’t make you happy” saying but applied to all areas of your success. Of course money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a lot of freedom to live the life you want instead of the life you have to. It can also give you a lot of options that aren’t available otherwise. Why would you not want these benefits? It goes beyond money, too, because success comes in many forms, and they are all worthwhile. This fear comes from a lack of faith, but it’s an easier one to overcome with logic. You just analyze the situation and reassure your brain that you are taking the best course of action. Unless, maybe it’s better to just not ever try and never know or have any idea how happy you could have been. Setbacks Fears aren’t the only obstacle on the path to success. There are going to be setbacks sometimes, not everything goes to plan. Sometimes the plan has to change, and a setback is nothing more

than a sign to push you in the right direction. This is easier to deal with when the setback is work related, but sometimes setbacks come from other sources. Sometimes the problem is with your health, love life, or elsewhere. Life is always going to give you random problems from time to time. If you let it, these problems can derail you. It’s easy to slip into a negative mindset or emotional state when something bad happens. For these situations, you have to rely on what you learned earlier about mental and emotional toughness. You have to be able to accept a situation and look at it objectively. You also have to experience the negative emotions so they can no longer take hold on you. Remain in the moment and always keep your true focus in mind. Setbacks are nothing more than hurdles on your race to your dreams. You have to overcome them if you want to reach the destination. They’re the reason that most people aren’t willing to go the full distance and will fall off before you. Remember your positive self-image – you are a doer and you make your own luck. Shrug off any setbacks (as much as possible) and keep on moving forwards.

PART 2 We’ve gone over thoughts and how to control them, which is a great way to hone your mind. We’ve also covered the importance of emotions and dealing with hard times in life. These are both areas that you have to get control of to maintain discipline. Self-belief and an analytical approach are the bases that launch your discipline, with willpower being the fuel. Careful planning aids your navigation through the realm of mental discipline. This completes the “blueprint.” In this second part, we are going to look at more practical tips for improving and maintaining your mental discipline.

Chapter 11: How to Maximize Your Willpower

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ack in the first part, we covered some basic facts on willpower. An important one is that you have a limited amount of willpower, so you must use it wisely. Another is that you can shortcut it a little by creating habits. You can also increase the amount you have, which we will look at in more detail now, and it can be affected by momentum – both good and bad. Cognitive Fatigue and the Willpower Gauge Cognitive fatigue is tiredness of the mind. Your brain is like the other muscles in your body, it gets tired as it’s used. As you go through the day, you need to pay attention to lots of different things. There’s a lot to think about, to observe, and to take in, whether it’s from work or your personal life. All of this wears down your mind, tiring it out. This is why people find it harder to learn late in the day – a lot of your brains energy has been used up already. After intense exercise, people are less capable of doing mental tasks, too, because the low energy levels and general tiredness also affects your brain. I’ve seen the effects of this first hand when observing fighters training. Early in training sessions, fighters are very mentally capable. They can take on new combinations and movements, drilling them on the pads. I’ve also watched some fight camp

sessions, where these people do gruelling physical workouts. At the end of these sessions, the coach might do some simple combination work. The idea is to train when tired, mentally and physically. By doing this, the moves become ingrained in the memory, because they are now being performed without much thought. However, because mental energy is so low, the simple combinations are hard to pick up and plenty of fighters will make mistakes doing really simple moves. This is an example of cognitive fatigue. Remembering a sequence of four moves has become difficult for the type of athlete that regularly pulls off new 8-10 move combos when fresh. Cognitive fatigue affects your ability to analyze a situation or any information. It affects the way you see problems and the solutions you can come up with. It also affects your decision-making abilities, with tired people making worse decisions than they normally would. To stay disciplined, it’s best to be mentally fresh, avoiding this cognitive fatigue, so that you don’t end up making bad decisions. The problem it that cognitive fatigue is hard to avoid. It’s like telling an athlete that they need to stay fresh to perform at their best – performing at their best is going to be tiring, so obviously they can’t stay fresh! Decision fatigue is an idea that is related to cognitive fatigue. Under this theory, every decision you make through the day takes away some of your decision-making fuel. Even simple decisions like where to eat, what to wear, or what order to do your tasks in – they all cost you some decision making fuel. Decision fatigue is related to cognitive fatigue too. Suffering from cognitive fatigue affects your

decisions, and having to make enough decisions eventually leads to cognitive fatigue. We already talked before about the willpower gauge as well and how you have a limited amount each day. There’s a big relation between cognitive fatigue, decision fatigue, and the willpower gauge. Running low on one seems to affect the others heavily. If you show signs of cognitive fatigue, it’s pretty tough to keep making good decisions, and it’s hard to show any willpower too. Signs of cognitive fatigue (or mental fatigue) include confusion, mood swings, and lack of motivation. These are only some of the bad symptoms, but for matters involving mental discipline, they’re the worst. Cognitive fatigue will sap you of your will to push on and make everything seem a bit harder. Trying to stay disciplined in the face of an empty willpower gauge and no mental energy is almost impossible. Dealing with this has a few approaches. The first is to increase the size of your willpower gauge. This part has been covered already, but we’ll recap it in a moment. The other two techniques you can use are willpower management, so that your willpower lasts for longer, and recharging techniques, which can help top up your gauge temporarily. Increasing Overall Willpower and Mental Capacity Boosting your overall willpower is a gradual process. Like with other parts of the human body, willpower is increased by using it regularly. As you begin to practice daily discipline, your amount of willpower will naturally grow. Living a generally healthy lifestyle is also helpful to boosting willpower. Let’s use diet as an example. If you have bad dietary habits, they

can affect your willpower. Let me show you how. First let’s say you don’t have a routine for your food – meaning you don’t think much about what you eat OR when you eat. Now you have to make an active decision on when to eat and what to eat. This is two decisions made, both draining your decision-making ability a little. Decision making and cognitive fatigue both seem related to willpower, but it’s possible to still have some willpower even when you’re a bit burned out on the mental side and decision making. So with two decisions, you give the willpower tank a slight hit too. If you’ve given in to temptation with your food choices, this also gives your momentum a hit, making it more likely that you’ll make bad decisions afterwards too. Because you don’t have a schedule, you might get back to work a bit late, too, and take it a bit slower – both bad decisions and both further tanking your willpower. On the flipside, we have the person who eats on time and has a schedule for it – it doesn’t have to be to the minute, just accurate enough that they know when to eat and when to get back to work. With the decision already made on what to eat, there’s less thought involved, preserving the willpower. Having these types of routines and good habits builds positive momentum for your day. It also gets your mind used to making the right decision with less thought, so less willpower is needed for each choice. Over time, you get used to living this way, and it becomes easy to stick to your original choices. Discipline is taking effect, your willpower is growing, and what used to seem hard now seems routine. Eating healthy, whole foods also helps keep your body healthy and stable. Making sure you don’t experience sugar crashes, cravings,

and other negative states is important. Your body needs a good supply of vitamins and minerals to stay healthy, too, and a good supply of clean energy. Provide it with all of this in your diet to keep your body and mind functioning at their best. This way it becomes easier to stay disciplined. The use of a healthy diet will make you feel better in general and is helpful for discipline. A happy, healthy person has much more willpower than an unhealthy one because they have a better mood, more focus, and more energy. Meditation and mindfulness link back to willpower in the same way. Discipline feels more difficult when energy levels are low. Likewise, if a person feels unwell or tired, they will find it harder to stay disciplined. Everything you do throughout the day uses some mental energy. Every thought you have, including the intrusive ones that happen themselves, all have a cost. Every action you take, every feeling you experience, they can all cost you a little willpower. Mindfulness is a way to take back control over your thoughts and lessen the impact of negative or intrusive thoughts. Over time you will start to get less of those thoughts, and each one will have less impact on you anyway. Your emotional state will also become more balanced, and the proven drop in cortisol only has positive effects on your body. It’s like the start of a positive spiral that hits all of the areas mentioned here. Better diet and mindfulness can both improve your health and willpower, making it easier to make good choices, which then help you to live a better, healthier life – again making you more disciplined, and again leading to more good choices and habits.

Exercise is another great way to boost your overall willpower. First, there are plenty of general health benefits to exercise, and second, it’s a great stress reducer. This general boost to your health will help your willpower. By burning some energy with focused exercise, you also stop yourself from feeling restless if you need to spend large parts of the day sitting around. This is helpful for your focus and can also help you to relax, plus it will help you to sleep better – more on that later. Many training types keep you mentally sharp, too, without requiring too much mental effort. Over time, your day-to-day energy levels will increase and your mood can also be positively altered. Intense exercise gets you used to working in tough conditions. This is a great way to increase willpower and is a method used by special forces units all over the world. The selection process for every unit I’ve heard of involves extreme physical testing for long time periods. It isn’t really about whether they’re fit enough, because nobody will ever be fit enough to breeze through these tests. They’re designed to take everybody to their limit and keep them there, where they feel exhausted, stressed, and hurt at all times. To survive, they have to weather the mental storm and keep pushing. It doesn’t matter how fit they are, what matters is that they never quit. This develops extreme mental discipline and makes them trainable – people who can be transformed into the ultimate combat machines, true warrior athletes. It all comes from their discipline, and their discipline is proven and built by physical struggle. It’s unreasonable and unrealistic for anybody to put themselves through this, but by pushing through difficulty in the physical world,

you can build a bigger discipline tank on the mental side. Willpower Management Growing your overall willpower is a gradual process, which sees small improvements over time. Another way to make more of what you have already is to learn how to manage it. Let’s pretend that your willpower tank is the same as a cars fuel tank. So far we’ve been focusing on getting a bigger tank so we have more fuel. What if we also made the engine more efficient though? That way the same size tank would get the car further along its journey. A lot of life is about making the most of what you already have. For example, everybody has their own individual talents. We all have strengths and weaknesses, areas that we enjoy and those that we dislike. There aren’t many characteristics in common amongst successful people either – not when it comes to talents at least. They all have certain things in common like a high drive, the ability to motivate themselves, discipline to get things done, high work rate, etc. These are all traits that can be modelled and learned though, they aren’t natural strengths or weaknesses. When it comes to natural attributes, successful people are those who make the most out of them. One person might be a genius with numbers and leverage that strength to get what they want out of life. Another might be an athletic beast, using hard work to become a professional athlete on the back of that talent. Another might be a great people person and focus on creating teams and businesses based on that skill. Life is about working with what you have and leveraging it. Richard Branson is another example who comes to mind. Branson is the

founder and owner of the Virgin brand. These days he is known as a successful entrepreneur and billionaire, but there was a time when Richard Branson was a dyslexic teenager, struggling in school. Dropping out of school at 15, Branson began trying his own business ventures almost immediately. While the early ones were failures, he stuck with it (showing discipline) and was able to succeed with a magazine at the age of 18. Over time he built the Virgin empire and acquired his billions. Anybody who has followed the Virgin brand would know that it has had many business failures as well. Yet the brand is still well liked all over the world and pulling in huge profits. Why? Is it because Branson is an amazing all around businessman? You might think so, but no. Instead, he is a man who knows his strengths and weaknesses. He maximizes his strengths (like his amazing leadership and marketing abilities) and lets other specialists deal with his weaker areas. He also manages to oversee the Virgin empire with the same 24 hour day we all have – yet how many times have you heard people say they “don’t have time” for something? Life is all about managing things – managing your strengths and weaknesses, managing your time to be efficient, managing your routine so you are focused on the areas that give the most return. You can apply this same mindset to willpower and get more out of your day. Remember, making an engine more efficient will help the fuel to last longer. So how do you get more efficient with willpower? The first trick is to use schedules and habits. We covered some of this already. When something becomes a habit through repetition, it becomes more natural to do the habit than to NOT do it. Now you’re

saving willpower, because the real willpower cost would come from breaking routine and NOT doing the habit. By sticking with it, your willpower stays intact. Routines are a big help for willpower. Imagine that you have 10 different tasks to do, some more important than others. If you’re given a list of these 10 tasks, you still have to figure out the best order to do them in. This costs mental energy and time, draining your willpower too. Now imagine that you’re starting the day without any clue of what you need to do – you have to first think of the different tasks, then create an order to do them, then try to remember that order … and then actually DO THE TASKS! All of this sounds pretty tiring already, right? Especially when you compare it to the ideal alternative – a prepared list of 10 tasks that are already listed in the order you should do them. Doesn’t that sound a lot easier? By having this type of schedule, we remove a lot of the stress and thought process that goes into the daily “planning” stage. It’s so much easier to just follow a list without thinking, and it saves your mental energy for the tasks themselves. This is a great way to extend how far your discipline goes. Using the right order is important too. This comes back to knowing yourself and your strengths/weaknesses. Some people prefer to start easy and slowly build up to the hardest tasks, because momentum is important for them. Others like to start with the hardest, smash it out of the way, then carry on knowing that the day will keep getting easier. Personally, I have a different approach. I like one or two easier tasks to “warm up” and get some momentum going. This makes it easier for me to do the hard tasks afterwards. I still like to

get the hardest tasks done in the first half of the day though, because I know I’m most productive in the mornings. After that, the tasks get easier and the day flows nicely. Scheduling daily tasks is the best way to help your willpower, but you can also create plans and schedules that cover other areas of life. For example, you can base your daily schedule on your to-do list and your overall life plan, ticking off bigger goals as you go along. You can also go more in-depth and create schedules for individual areas of your life, like your work or your diet. The more control you have, the more your discipline will grow. By using plans, schedules, and habits, you are setting yourself up for success. Living in this type of disciplined environment will see immediate changes. Willpower Recovery We already touched on a healthy lifestyle for willpower recovery, but we didn’t touch a couple of important areas. The areas we covered were relaxation, exercise, and diet. If you want more information on relaxation methods like meditation, I have created some in-depth standalone guides for you. Now we will also go into a bit of detail on sleep. Sleep is hugely important for maintaining mental discipline. With high levels of discipline, you will be able to work effectively even while tired. First though, you have to build that level of discipline – and that’s a lot easier if you’re well rested. Always prioritize sleep. Unless it’s an emergency, you’re better off being well rested. Being well rested means everything works efficiently and gets done better or faster. This increases your daily

output – important if you want to manage your willpower and stay disciplined. Most people need six to eight hours of sleep a night. You might need a little less or more, but try to always get the right amount. Getting too little (or too much!) can have negative effects. Outside of night time though, you can also use naps to refresh yourself and restore some willpower. Humans tend to sleep in roughly 90 minute sleep cycles, though this can vary a little. If you’ve ever woken up very groggy and found it hard to get going for a while, it’s likely that you woke up at the wrong part of your sleep cycle – the deep sleep part. Because of these cycles, you should either try to nap for roughly 90 minutes (to get a full cycle), or for 15 to 25 minutes (so you don’t slip too deeply into a cycle). If your body is extremely tired, it will often do a “fast cycle,” which is like a 90minute cycle in roughly 15 to 20 minutes. If it isn’t that tired, you’ll still get a good refresh from the short nap, and you shouldn’t be left with any grogginess. Napping is one way to recharge your meter a little. Another method is taking a break to enjoy a snack or some quick exercise. Be sure to fully break away from your regular grind and enjoy this break for 15 to 20 minutes. You’ll feel better and more focused afterwards. Meditation is another method that works to recharge willpower. There are some other methods open to you, including hypnotism and sound therapy.

Chapter 12: Creating a Positive Self

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f you were to come across a guy sitting on a park bench dressed in rags and with an awful smell, would you believe he was a hardworking and productive guy?

Okay, now imagine that you’ve just woken up, rolled over in your bed, and caught sight of the clock saying 11 a.m. You get up slowly to see your messy room with stuff strewn all over the place. You need a haircut, a shave, and a shower. Your clothes all need washing. Yesterday you didn’t even get out of bed, which is why there are dirty plates around the room and stains on the duvet. What’s your first step to getting this mess, and yourself, cleaned up? Or do you just put it off until later, or even tomorrow, since it’s already almost afternoon anyway? Having a bad image isn’t just about what other people see, it’s about what you see and feel. To build and maintain discipline, you have to see yourself as a disciplined person! If you woke up at 5 a.m. purely out of habit, feeling well rested, knowing that your life is well organized and everything you need to do today has been scheduled beforehand – wouldn’t that be a much easier way to get going? To get to that stage takes a little effort though, but remember – it’s better to be the one who already climbed the mountain than the one

who is still climbing. Get it done once and all you have to do is maintain it. Who Do You Want to Be? Human life is amazing to me. It finds a way to adapt and survive in almost any circumstance. People can be born with all of the advantages in life – a rich and powerful family, good looks, athletic talent, and a wonderful upbringing around the best type of people. Yet sometimes they will still go way off the rails and throw it all away. On the flipside, some people are born in terrible circumstances and suffer through horrific childhoods in war-torn countries. They grow up with no family, having been massively traumatized, yet they go on to achieve incredible things. The point is that your background and current circumstances don’t matter. There are rich people who suddenly go broke, and homeless people who suddenly become millionaires. What matters isn’t what happens to them or how the world sees them. What matters is how they see themselves. First you have to know what type of life you want and what your goals are. Then you have to figure out what type of person lives that life. Really get into it – how does this person think? What does their day-to-day life look like? What type of decisions do they make? What drives them, and how does their mind work? These are all patterns that you need to emulate. If you can act as that person acts, then you will eventually have what that person has. Think about it, if you can literally match Elon Musk for creativity, work-rate, and business decisions, then you can also literally create the same levels of company he has. By being a

similar type of person, it’s logical that you’d be able to attract similar friends, business contacts, and romantic partners. I’m not talking about literally becoming Elon Musk; I’m talking about being that level of person. Building Your New Self Building a new self takes consistent effort, which is good because that also builds your mental discipline. Envision this new you, the disciplined you. Try to spend a little time each day doing this visualization – picture the life you would have and the options that would be available to you. Not only is visualization good for attracting what you want, it’s also good for creating a new way of behavior for yourself. Start by creating a basic checklist of what you need to do to become the person you want to be. Everything should be reflective of this persona. If you are aiming to be a confident person, start acting confidently! That doesn’t mean you have to become an extrovert, but it means that you need to take some pride in yourself and your appearance. Speak and think in a way that exudes confidence. Don’t speak doubtfully, speak decisively. Your thoughts also shouldn’t be about whether you can do something or not, they should be about finding a way to do what you have already decided on – after all, you’re going to make it happen, right? Your thoughts become your words, which become your actions, which shape you. Body language is another important area. Standing strongly with a straight back and your shoulders up and wide is a strong stance. Don’t believe me? Try to stand like that for a couple of minutes and take some deep breaths. I bet you feel more

confident. For the opposite effect, slouch down and make yourself small. Look at the floor, talk quietly and nervously with a lot of hesitation. Quite soon you’ll start feeling lower. Stand back up straight, strut around a little, talk loudly and confidently. Hell, shout a bit if you want to! This will instantly release those feel good hormones and have you genuinely feeling more confident. Tricks like these are used by performers all over the world to get into a positive mind state before show time. Sometimes life will throw bad situations at you to try and break this new you – don’t fall for it. Remember how the new you would react and focus on that. You can also use mindfulness breaks to stop emotional reactions and keep yourself on course. There are a couple of techniques in NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) that can be helpful in dealing with bad events. The first is reframing. Let’s say something has just happened that upset or angered you, but it isn’t major enough to warrant breaking discipline. It could be a bad day at work, an argument with your spouse, whatever. What you need to do is imagine the event just as it happened. As you are playing this through your imagination, put a literal frame around the memory – a bright, funny designed one. Back this up by replacing the audio in your memory with ridiculous sounds like circus music or babies laughing. Repeatedly envision the memory, and keep on imagining extremely ridiculous and funny things happening around the memory. This will fry the memory circuits and break the short-term grip that this memory has on your mind. It’s a great way to

stop something from bothering you. The second method is dissociation. Here you can either be visualizing a memory of something that’s bothering you or an emotion you’re struggling with. Visualize that you are now outside of yourself and that you’re observing the scene unfold. Zoom out on the scene really far, far enough that you can see the entire block (assuming you’re in a building). See how your situation or emotion isn’t really affecting anything else? Zoom out further, far enough to see the whole town, then the country, then right out into space. Is anything being changed or affected by your situation? Now zoom back in, nearly all the way so you can see yourself again. How do you feel about the memory/emotion now? Observe as if you were an onlooker, seeing the original reaction of yourself. This is helpful to analyze how you’re behaving in an objective manner. This visualization will leave you in a more rational state of mind when you leave it. Both of these techniques work well for dealing with setbacks. Use them to maintain your discipline, and keep on being the person you want to be. Staying on Course When you’ve begun the transformation, you have to maintain it. It’s important to be brutally honest with yourself. During a bad run in the 2015-16 season, NBA legend Kobe Bryant described himself as “the 200th best player in the league” and said he “freaking sucks.” This wasn’t a sentiment on his ability as a player, it was a reflection on his recent performances. Anybody can mess up and get things wrong. What matters is that you put it right.

Always track your performance on this transformation. Note down how disciplined you’re actually being. If you’re falling off in multiple places because you’re pushing too hard, just be honest and dial it back a bit, temporarily. Reward yourself when you are going to plan, but don’t do it in a way that contradicts your discipline and the new you. Consistent effort is the true path to lasting change. Find the areas where you are slacking a little and fix them. See where you can maximize your potential even more and get even more disciplined. Positive affirmations are a helpful way to reinforce the new you, along with visualization. Maintain your effort by keeping yourself happy and in a positive frame of mind. Take breaks when needed, even if that means a short vacation. The happier you are the more productive and disciplined you will be. Understand yourself as a person and what drives you. Use this knowledge to incentivize a discipline life.

Chapter 13: Hacking Your Way to Better Discipline

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eople are always looking for shortcuts in life. It’s human nature to want a lot from life, but that takes a lot of effort and a lot of discipline. Businesses thrive on the back of this laziness that affects society. Health, fitness, and beauty are all big industries where shortcuts are heavily advertised. There are companies hawking workout programs, magic pills, and all sorts of other shortcuts to good looks and success. The internet is full of getrich-quick schemes and scams, too, because this is another area where people want a shortcut. In reality, we can all figure out the truth. Most people know deep down that there is no shortcut. If there was, everybody would already be taking it, wouldn’t they? Sometimes people can get lucky in life and get a “shortcut” of sorts. This isn’t usually a good thing though. Have you ever heard the phrase “it’s about the journey, not the destination”? This is a powerful quote that I didn’t truly understand the first time I heard it. Now I understand that this phrase is focused on the lessons you need to learn on your journey to success.

A person with low confidence might believe that they need to look physically better in order to feel happier. When they reach that goal, they are likely to actually feel a lot happier. Is it because they have a body that looks different? Only partially – it’s also because they’ve learned how to be confident while working out, and they’ve gained self-belief that they can change their lives! Another person might be pushing hard in the business world. They achieve success by putting together successful deals and earning money. Now are they in a better position because they have that money or because they have learned the ability to earn that money? In the above example, I’ve only listed one main lesson that has helped those people. Every journey has a lot more lessons to learn. For the physical transformation, that person must have learned to handle their diet better. They must have found ways to motivate themselves and to stay disciplined, plus the ability to push hard during exercise. The better these lessons are learned, the better the results will be. The businessman or businesswoman will have learned how to manage money better, how to manage risks, how to spot good deals, and how to set and hit goals. All of this is what makes him or her better with money and able to succeed. Without these lessons, this individual couldn’t have his/her current success anyway. The perfect example of a life shortcut failing is the lottery. Almost everyone believes they would be financially set for life if they were to be handed $1 million or more. This is exactly what happens to lottery winners, but around 70% of them end up broke. 70%! It happens because they’ve never learned to manage their cash

properly. They haven’t learned how to make money work for them, how to stay disciplined, and how to live within their means. It’s just like somebody who goes for liposuction to lose weight, then slowly piles it back on – a shortcut doesn’t teach the important lessons needed for actual, lasting change. With discipline, you have to keep this in mind when you approach it. You have to stay strong willed and focused, even when the inevitable bad times happen. It isn’t something that can just be handed to you, because there are lessons to be learned along the way as well. It’s normal to fail occasionally and slip off, but the important thing is that you drive onwards in the long term. Aim to improve a little every day, and the goal is inevitable. While there isn’t a shortcut to high discipline, there are a few tips that can help keep you moving in the right direction – or at least block some of the off-ramps into the lands of poor discipline and failure. Tips and Tricks Here’s a quick hotlist of tips to help you build a disciplined mind and self. Some of these have been mentioned earlier but are still collected here so you can refer to the list with ease. Build habits. Habits are one of the easiest ways to stay disciplined. For example, let’s say you want to start exercising in the mornings but find it hard to get up and actually pull it off. If you can approach it intensely and force the same wake up time every day for 30 days, then it will feel much more natural to wake up at that same time even on days off. The key is that you have to enforce it every day

until the habit is built! In the future, if you really need/want a lie in, you can do that – keep it rare and it won’t affect your habit. Other habits and routines can be built in the same way – a night routine to help you sleep well, a morning one to start the day fresh and relaxed, eating habits which keep you healthy. All of these can be built with an intense approach for the first month. It’s like condensing all the hard parts of discipline into that month so that these habits happen automatically and without difficulty from then on. Habits and routines don’t drain any willpower either. Create as many as you can so your willpower is free for other decisions. A schedule is another little hack to keeping your willpower high. It lowers the drain on your mental energy because you don’t need to make decisions, and more importantly, you don’t need to resist temptation. Like habits, this saves your willpower for other things. Schedules are different from habits because a habit is something you would do virtually every day. Using a schedule is how you organize your day around the usual routines and knock out any other goals – like working on your side business or building a network. Listing the tasks removes some thought from your daily planning, plus it stops you from forgetting anything. You can either just list the tasks for the day or put them all in order to remove another drain on your decision-making engine. Speaking of temptation, we want to remove as much of it as possible. Temptation is a problem for all of us – when it’s late and you’re hungry it’s pretty tough to avoid that

chocolate bar if it’s staring you right in the face. People can’t binge on junk food if they don’t buy it. They can’t procrastinate from work on the internet if they’ve set up a web blocker for recreational sites. These are examples of how you can remove temptation from your life. Your discipline is improved by making better decisions, and better decisions are always going to happen if you can remove the bad options. How can you regularly drink too much if you stop keeping alcohol in the house? How can you overspend if you never carry your card? Most of us can make an immediate impact on our discipline by following this tip. On the flipside, make the good options more easily available. If part of your plan is to read more instead of watching television, then get the TV out of your bedroom and keep some books near the bed instead. Want to eat healthier? Keep a good stock of pre-prepared healthy snacks. Need to work out more? Get some home equipment so you can do it right there! Human beings like the path of least resistance, so make it as easy as possible to pick the “right” choice. Sticking to a nutritional plan is a lot easier if you use meal prep for example, because the right meal is also the easiest option at this time. There’s another little trick that I use to help the good decisions too – a rewards system. A reward system gives you something back for staying disciplined and making good decisions. The tricky part is choosing the right rewards and the right frequency. For example, if you reward yourself for eating healthily all day with an unhealthy snack at night,

you’re going to be eating a lot of bad food by the end of the week. This is also going to mess with healthy eating as a habit or routine, because your system will expect the junk food daily. Instead, you could use a night out as your reward for eating healthy all week, or you could reward yourself with a gift. Either of these wouldn’t affect your eating or the building of a new habit/routine. I eat quite well naturally, and exercise a lot too. My problem areas used to be procrastination with work and waking up early. I built those habits by rewarding myself with tasty treats and the occasional day off training (usually to catch a movie or see a friend). This way I was able to build the habits I wanted (and the discipline) while still enjoying life, because the missed workout or odd treat won’t affect my highly disciplined approach to health and fitness. An accountability partner is a good way to improve your discipline. Most people find it easier to motivate somebody else than to motivate themselves. This is because you see problems from the outside with an objective view. It’s kind of like the dissociation NLP technique mentioned in Chapter 12, because you see the facts of the problem without the emotional side attached. You can come up with the right solution and approach pretty easily this way and advise your friend to take that path. One warning – make sure your accountability partner is as serious about this as you so they can actually be depended on to try hard and stay focused. You can help each other during the bad times by offering an outlet to vent to while also giving good advice. Tell each

other what your current goals are and how you’re progressing as well. Keep a checklist of what your partner is aiming to do, and check in to make sure they’re on track. A quick text asking if they worked out today is easy to do. If you’re the one being asked and you respect your accountability partner, it’s going to prompt you to go get that workout in if you haven’t already. This subtle pressure is a great way to keep yourself motivated and on track, because letting yourself down is weirdly easier than letting down other people. Being action oriented makes a big impact on your discipline. It’s tough to believe but a lot of people mess up just by overthinking! They’re so caught up in what to do first, or which task is important enough to do now, that they drain their own mental energy without actually doing anything! In a few pages, we’ll explore what this means a bit further. To sum it up though, it means less thinking and more doing. If you have anything that you know needs to be done, get started on it immediately. Don’t overload yourself when planning out your schedule or goals. If you have a schedule that is jam packed already, it only takes one thing to go wrong or one delay to make you start feeling the pressure. Be generous with your planning and consider that things can go wrong, and emergencies can pop up too. Keeping your mental state clear and healthy is important to long term success, so help yourself out by keeping a steady, sustainable work rate.

It’s good to aim high with your goals, but it’s also important to be realistic. Getting the right balance here should motivate you; it should fire you up and create a drive to reach this goal. The goal has to be tough enough to keep you driven in this way. What you don’t want though is a goal that looks doubtful from day one. That drains your energy because it creates a negative state. Stay positive minded and productive by making sure the goal is attainable if you can stay on track around 70-95% of the time. The number you choose should be based on how successful you already are with discipline, and always be aiming for higher numbers each year. All Positivity, No Negativity Look closely at the tips and advice given in this guide so far. You’ll see that there’s a big focus on the positive side, not much on the negative. I don’t like the use of punishments for failing to hit goals, because it can create a bad state of mind. Any negativity that affects your mind or spirit is a bad thing. Reward yourself for doing well, but don’t punish yourself if you fail – just don’t reward yourself either. Self-love and a positive self-image are important to creating the foundation of your new, disciplined self. You need to see yourself in a favorable light so you can achieve your goals. If you could see the selection process for some of the world’s special forces units, you might be surprised by how the instructors behave. They don’t shout at recruits or belittle them. They don’t tell them when they’re doing badly or need to pick it up. On the other hand, they also don’t praise them or tell them when they’re doing well.

Throughout the whole thing they stay mostly silent, watching and instructing without giving an opinion or any other feedback. This is hard for a lot of people because they rely on praise or other feedback that they’re doing well. That isn’t what the special forces need though; they need strong minds that are able to survive without external praise. Without feedback, most people will start to think negatively. When tiredness, cold, and hunger are having an effect, it’s so easy to start losing hope and fall into a spiral of negative thinking and self-doubt. The importance of staying positive can’t be overstated. The difference between the soldiers who pass and fail these tests usually comes down to who is the toughest mentally. Those who pass have incredibly resilient minds. You might not have the toughest mentality today, but you can build up towards achieving it. Remember that everybody has a similar level of potential and focus on keeping your mindset right. Over time, it will become natural to stay positive even in the face of difficulty. Avoiding punishments, using rewards, and staying positive are all important to keeping your morale up. Another important part of this is self-care. Practicing good self-care means looking after yourself properly and keeping yourself happy. A balanced life is the key to this. Don’t deprive yourself of social stimulation and enjoyment. Keep this in mind when you’re designing the “new you.” Your routines and schedules should have some time built into them for leisure; it’s as important as exercise, relaxation, and good nutrition. To keep a high level of output you have to maintain the machine that produces it, right? In this case, you are

the machine, and the output is your discipline. Keeping a log of your activities is helpful for analyzing your mental progress with your overall plan. In a similar way, keeping a diary of your feelings can be helpful for the emotional, self-care side. Creating a log has two main benefits, one short-term and one long. The short-term benefit is that you become more aware of your feelings. Just taking a few minutes at the end of each day, you will be more in touch with your feelings. For people who are more emotionally closed, it can take a few weeks of work to even start tapping into what’s really below the surface. It’s worth the effort, so get started immediately. Being more aware of your feelings allows you to deal with them better, before they become a problem. In the long term, you can look over a log and start identifying patterns on when you feel down. Keep your schedules and progress lists to check this off against and see what causes you to be down. Are there times with a heavy workload that seem to cause you distress or discomfort? Do you seem to be going in a cycle, with down patches coming at regular intervals? Are the bad feelings happening more when you slack off in a specific area, like exercise or diet? All of this information is important. Approach it without emotional attachment and stick to the facts. An honest overview will give you areas to focus on for change, which will then make you even better and more disciplined. Another thing to keep in mind with self-care is your long-term plan. It’s a small minority that wants to just dominate their area day in, day out. Most people are working towards something – their discipline exists to create a desired lifestyle. That lifestyle should always have

some discipline involved just for the sake of living a happy, healthy, and productive life. With that said, most of us definitely want to enjoy our time as well. Think about that when you make your life plans moving forwards as well. If something is going to be part of your long-term plan (e.g. tennis, yoga, or travelling) then you might as well start trying to incorporate it as soon as possible. It will keep you happier and can act as a reward. Good, positive goals like this will also help in other areas of your life that affect discipline, like exercise or happiness. It can even be something as simple as video games. If video games are a big source of happiness for you, then incorporate them into your routine. Remember to limit the time and stick to your planned limits as well, otherwise it goes against discipline. Everybody should be able to enjoy life, but if you want to succeed, then you have to limit the fun for now, so you can live however you want to in the future.

Chapter 14: Applying Your Discipline

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he last chapter covered tips for the planning and preparation areas of mental discipline. This chapter focuses more on putting those plans into action and making the most of your

time.

Jocko Willink has a simple motto that sums up the best reason to have discipline. “Discipline equals freedom.” It’s true, and it’s the biggest reason for people to pursue discipline so much. Discipline creates results and rewards. Discipline shapes your life into what YOU want it to be. Discipline gives you the money, the connections, and the options to have the freedom you desire - so let’s get to it! Machine Management and Momentum Each day is a new challenge, a clean slate to start from in the morning. Always look at your life in this way. The real reward for a great, productive day is in how it gets you closer to your goals. Your goals are your ultimate reward, so there shouldn’t be any need to slack off because you’re doing well. In fact, that would be counterproductive.

Of course you’ll remember that we talked about balance a bit earlier in the book. Balance is important because a happy, healthy human being is more productive than an unhappy or stressed one. Do what needs to be done so that this balance is always kept. Use the rewards systems to treat yourself and stay happy. The focus should be on your overall happiness and maintaining a good level so that you can be productive and disciplined. If you are already quite happy and morale is high, then you might as well capitalize by staying active and disciplined. Rewards aren’t as important here, because a motivated person already produces well and doesn’t need extra incentives. On the flipside, an unhappy person might need more rewards and a less demanding schedule than usual. Think of it as managing your machine and deciding what approach will work best. If you’re feeling low, it’s better to focus on maintaining yourself. When your morale improves and you are able to handle setbacks and pressure a little better, you can start working more on the actual discipline side. It’s a smart approach that keeps you from burnout and can also be used to improve your productivity – because most people are starting from a less-than-ideal state of mind. Another benefit of treating each day as a clean slate is that it helps to make you push harder. Let’s look at professional sports for an example of this. In professional sports, there has always been a focus on the form, or recent performances, of different players. Any sportsman or woman can put in an extra good performance once in a while, and they can also put in bad ones. Sometimes there are sportsmen or women who are considered the best in their area, yet they fail to perform for a while. When this happens their “form” is

bad, or they’re on a bad streak/in a slump. The opposite would be an athlete who’s hit a hot streak and is playing above expectations. The expectation for any athlete is based on how they usually perform – their skill level, morale, fitness, and plenty of other things can play a part. It’s not a science, because each person is affected differently by the same situations, depending on factors like past experiences, mental toughness and resilience, self-belief, and more. Some of these areas are important to mental discipline as well, so by having strong discipline, an athlete can be less vulnerable to slumps and improve their chances of hot streaks. Hot streaks are good for confidence and self-belief, but they can sometimes lead to overconfidence. The problem with a hot streak is that the media and fans get caught up in it – they are living in the past, basking in yesterday’s success, and taking it for granted. This is one of the worst things that the athlete themselves could do. If you want to be successful in life, you need the same type of driven mindset that an athlete has. You need to be able to avoid any ego or overconfidence that can come from getting good results. You have to be able to wipe the slate clean at the end of each day, week, or month. It’s important that you acknowledge and appreciate your wins so that you can learn and grow from them. They can fuel you in a positive way and create even more drive. Just make sure you don’t rest on your laurels while there’s still work to be done – when you’re still working towards that final, end goal. For the person who is on form and pushing hard with discipline, having a fresh slate each morning is a challenge. It’s a chance to push hard and prove yourself again,

making your mark in life and progressing towards your goals. This is the best way to take advantage of the momentum you have going for you; it’s easy to be fired up and to expect good results on a hot streak. Your efforts have maximum impact, so don’t ever slack off during this time. Use your mental discipline to make the most of it, and get as close to your goals as possible. Hot streaks seem pretty easy to deal with then, but what about slumps? Ups and downs are commonplace everywhere. Sports, businesses, even nations as a whole – everything is always improving or declining, nothing stays constant for long. Whether you call it a slump, a rut, a hole, or anything else, they all mean the same thing – a patch where your performance has declined and isn’t up to the usual standard. This “standard” is what you have set for yourself through your goals, through your self-image, and through your actions/performance. Getting out of a rut can be tough because of the negative momentum you’re working against. A rut will sap your motivation and do it’s best to wear down your discipline. The positive rewards and feedback are harder to come by, and it’s in these depressing situations that you are expected to do even more and work even harder to try and get out of it. The first thing I want to do is stop that negative frame of mind. Bad times happen, every roller coaster has to have downs to go with the ups, and your journey has to be harder at times and easier at others. There is an ancient proverb that sums these ideas up well. It says: “This too shall pass.” This applies to good as well as bad and is one of my favorite quotes

for helping to keep your ego in check and your mind balanced. To get through a slump, you have to understand that it isn’t about you or being undeserving of success – it’s about the hard parts of the journey and learning how to navigate them. Remember the lottery winners – your goal is useless if you get there without learning the important lessons that would allow you to repeat the success if needed. Keep calm and breathe. Accept that times are tough. Get hold of your thoughts and emotions with the techniques you’ve learned and start reshaping them into more constructive beliefs. In really bad times, you might have to navigate feelings of helplessness or the effects of poor mental health. Depression can be hugely limiting and can even bring people so low that they stop trying, falling into a downward spiral. If any of this begins to happen, you should seek the help of a medical professional as soon as possible. Make use of the network around you as well; look to your close friends and family for emotional and mental support if you’re struggling with something. The belief of being strong and silent is a modern-day illusion. Once more, it goes back to the millennia of evolution that humans have been through. Over those hundreds of centuries, we have always been social, tribal animals. Even indigenous tribes today, those that have avoided technology and modern development, still live the same type of lifestyle. These people, and all humans of the past, regularly have social time where they discuss their ideas and lives. It’s almost like a form of group therapy where people have simple conversations as part of the pack, airing out any problems and getting closure and

advice on how they’re feeling. This has always been important to having a healthy mental and emotional state, but it has been pushed out of modern society in the past couple of centuries. There are lots of theories on why this happened, some crazier than others, but regardless of the reasons why, we have ended up with a lifestyle that prioritizes being busy and faking happiness above our own health (mental, emotional, and even physical). Working Through Tasks Capitalizing or correcting your momentum is all good, but how do you actually do those things? The first technique that will help you get through your schedule is called chunking. The first definition of chunking is as a psychological learning technique. It means breaking down a big piece of information into smaller, more manageable chunks. For example, let’s say you’re studying the second world war. There are lots of different events that are part of the story, from the pre-war times to the post war. Then there’s all the battles, knowing who joined in and when, and how everything was unfolding between 1939 through 1945. It’s a lot of information to try and remember, especially if you look at it as one big block. With chunking, you would break it up into smaller pieces. You might focus on learning what happened year by year, or learning what happened based on the countries involved. The approach you take doesn’t matter, what’s important is that you can break information down into small chunks, each chunk having no more than five to eight pieces of information. The average short-term memory can store around seven pieces of information immediately. After this,

they have to be repeated enough to transfer into the long-term memory before any more short-term information can be taken in. If you try taking in more information without properly learning the first seven pieces, they will be lost and forgotten. In the same way that you can learn easier by tackling manageable chunks, you can also be more productive by using this technique. In this case, chunking is an approach to dealing with your tasks or todo list. When you look at your goals, they might (and should) seem pretty big and intimidating. We deal with this by breaking each goal down into steps and focusing only on what’s in front of you. With chunking, you can use that same process to deal with any task or challenge put in front of you. Let’s say that you need to give your house a deep clean. It’s a big job, and it can be hard to start because you know this will have a lot of steps, and it’s going to take a while. With chunking, you break the job down into smaller parts, and the size of the chunks is totally down to you. You can only deal with one task at a time anyway, so why would you want the mental pressure and stress of the next five spinning around your head as well? It’s much better to pick one job/chunk and get started. For the house cleaning, let’s pretend that your starting chunk is “cleaning the bedroom.” Now that doesn’t sound too bad, right? If it does, break it down again. Start by making your bed, or even just opening the curtains. The important thing is that you get started, because even a tiny step creates a little bit of positive momentum. If you look around and try to do every little task (five minutes or less) that you can find, then you’re going to notice tasks getting knocked

off pretty quickly anyway. The momentum will make you feel better, too, so it’s easier to move on to the next chunk. These little chunks eventually take care of your bedroom, so then you take another room and break that one down as well until it’s done. You end up sorting the entire house room by room, all without the pressure of completing the task playing any part. Time, Intensity, and Action Speaking of five minutes or less, this is another cool trick that helps you stay disciplined and productive. Planners and schedules are great tools for helping to shape the life you want, but if you overuse them, they can be counter-productive. Nobody should need to put “take out the trash” or “brush your teeth” on the list. These are all normal tasks; get them done as soon as they need doing. Absolutely anything which only takes around five minutes or less should be done immediately. These are the little jobs that can affect your mental and emotional state if you let them pile up. Get them knocked out immediately instead, and you’ll feel less stressed, plus it builds the habits of immediate action and discipline, creating the self-image of a doer. Speaking of immediate action, that’s the name of our next tip. Breaking down the big jobs into chunks is a great trick for boosting or maintaining your mental state because the job doesn’t seem as long or difficult. It’s easier to get started by using this approach, and getting started is the most important step. Back when I was studying at university, I would sometimes struggle with the big assignments. Having to come up with a 10- or 20thousand word essay? I’ve never met anybody who looked forward to

this kind of task. Even breaking it down into chunks can still be a bit intimidating, because whether it’s five thousand or one thousand words, it still feels like a lot. Plus in this type of situation, chunking is a little less helpful. If each chunk is basically doing the same thing again, then it still seems like a tough task to start. Writing 1,000 words can feel tough. Imagine writing them while knowing that you’ll have to repeat the process 10 or 20 more times. Here’s where immediate action has its best impact. With immediate action, you don’t even worry about the chunks or the end. You literally just focus on making a start. Got 20,000 words to do? Great, just make a start; see if you can write 100. By the time you get started and do 100 words, you probably need to do more just to finish your paragraph or the point you’re explaining. This can easily take you to a few hundred words, or even a thousand. Eventually this first burst will start to fade away, and your point will be made. Know what to do now? Start on the second point. Just start, that’s all. Sometimes you will start and fade away before too long, leaving a point half made – but hey, at least you’ve got maybe a couple thousand words more than nothing, right? Next time you might even maintain the momentum and keep going for longer than expected. At university, there were times when I struggled and had to “just start” every day, grinding an assignment down with a thousand words or so each time. Other times I would get into a flow after starting, and the words would just pour out of my fingertips and on to the screen. On these days, I could get more than half of my assignment done at once – there were even times when I finished the whole thing in one sitting!

Getting started is another trick that works with the idea of momentum. By making a start, you have done the part that takes the most effort – going from standing still to moving forwards. Now it can be easier to keep going than it is to stop, at least for the early stages. You’d be surprised how much can be accomplished with this technique. Give it a try and see for yourself! The First Step Most people struggle with this first step because they put so much importance on it. There are people out there who put way too much time and effort into creating a plan or deciding what order to tackle the tasks in. There are also people who don’t start because they are worried they won’t produce their best work. In either case, the worst thing that you can do is to not start. To quote Mike Tyson: “Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face.” Iron Mike is a legend, and this quote is referring to how people would try and create a strategy for dealing with him. Creating a strategy is great, it’s a good idea, and it can really help your chances in life. The problem comes when you’re creating a strategy from the outside, without experiencing the situation. People who fought Mike Tyson were making strategies based on fighting other people! They had never been in the ring with Mike before, so how would they know if it was really going to work or not? They didn’t! Focus on getting stuck in to the situation, getting started, and doing what you can. Yes, it’s good to have a plan, but that plan might have to change rapidly once you actually go into action. Be ready for this and be adaptable. As human beings, our biggest strength is that we can adapt to any situation better than other animals. This is why

we’re the apex species on Earth, and this is the skill you need to focus on if you want to succeed. Knowing that your plan might not survive first contact is important, and once you accept this, it becomes a lot less important to create the perfect plan or strategy before starting. Remember that one step forward, even a sloppy and unplanned step, is better than the most perfectly planned step that hasn’t happened yet. We also have something called the 40% rule. When I first came across this, it was through ex-SEAL and all-around tough guy, David Goggins. His saying is this: “When your body and mind are telling you that you’re done, you’re probably only really around 40% done. That’s where most people quit.” At first this was shocking to me, but I heard it around the same time as when I got serious about my physical training. It was suddenly a lot more important to me, and I knew I could get the results if so many other people were. This was when I hired a trainer, a guy who had experience with dozens of top athletes. This guy would leave me feeling fried every day. I was exhausted during some sessions, looking at my trainer and pleading for sympathy, telling him I couldn’t do any more. His response? “I know. Now do this.” It was unreal! This guy was telling me that he knows I can’t do anymore, and that’s okay. But do a little more! It felt absolutely maddening, but every time he asked for more, I would try. I honestly expected to fall flat on my face with each push up, or slip off the bar if I tried even one more pull up. But sure enough, one rep at a time, more would come out of me. There were days when I thought I couldn’t finish the second set, only to end up pushing all

the way through all five. This was amazing, and it proved what Goggins said – most people really do cap out at 40%. These days I know that when I’m starting to feel tired or drained that there’s still a lot more left in the tank. It motivates me and fuels my belief so that I can keep on pushing that little bit further, and that little bit is usually enough to reach my goals. On the flipside, 40% of your effort and focus is probably enough to move forwards too. Again, it comes back to waiting for the perfect time or perfect plan. Those things just don’t happen, and you don’t need to be 100% on form to make progress either. If you can give something 40% effort, it’s usually enough to move forwards. Of course it’s good to have high standards and always try to produce great work. Realistically though, your best work probably won’t be needed very often. When it is, try your best and focus on producing at 100%. This is for those key make-or-break moments. The rest of the time you can get by with less than 100%, and 40% seems to be the golden ratio where your work will be acceptable, progress will be steady, and the pressure isn’t too hard either. Keeping It Interesting Variation is another thing you should take advantage of. By living a disciplined life, you will sometimes have to deal with difficult or boring tasks. If everything was fun and interesting, there’d be no need for discipline in the first place. As Jim Rohn says: “Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments.” If you want your goals to become actual accomplishments, you have to stay disciplined to get there. The trick of variation is one that helps

you to keep on going through the tough patches, keep on pushing until your task is done. Let’s say you have eight hours of work to do, work that is going to be similar the whole way through. Some people might look at this and want to tackle it head on, smashing all eight hours at once. Firstly, this is a bad strategy; it isn’t a smart way to tackle this task at all. The head-on approach is a very blunt, brute force strategy for this job. It could work, but it’s going to be hard to maintain for most people. The smarter way to deal with it is to add some variation into your day. Break up your eight hours of work into eight, one-hour blocks. In between each block, take a short break to do something different. One of those breaks could be a proper lunch break. Another could be a quick meditation break. Yet another could be time for a quick walk or a little exercise. There are all kinds of breaks you can fit in – exercise, relaxation, food, a bit of socialising, or downtime. Do whatever it takes to keep your productivity high. A break doesn’t even have to be all that long, it can just be a few minutes to walk around the room and take your mind off things. Studies have shown that the average human being can concentrate for around 45 minutes at a high level before decline sets in. This time can vary a little from person to person, and it’s worth remembering that you don’t need 100% attention to be productive (like with the 40% rule). Experiment with your break times and see what works best. Personally, I take a short break every hour for the first few hours, usually around five minutes. This is enough to get me through the first few hours, after that I’ll need a longer one, maybe for some exercise or some lunch. Then the next couple of breaks are short

again, followed by longer ones as the end of the day gets closer. Experiment and see what works best for you. Keeping a log of your performance with different break strategies is a good idea as well, because you can see how productive you were with each set up, instead of guessing or basing it on how you feel. The other way you can use variation is by switching between tasks. Your daily schedule might have a few different types of jobs on there. You might need to do a chunk of work, a chunk of cleaning, and a chunk of admin stuff. You can follow a schedule that rotates a bit of time between each task so you’re not stuck at any one thing for longer than a couple of hours. This keeps your mind fresh and your motivation high. It’s a lot easier to work for a few hours switching between different tasks than it is to spend many hours on one task at a time. Our brains are built for variation; they enjoy different stimulus and being able to avoid the boredom of being stuck on the same task. Adaptation We touched on adaptation a few pages back with the Mike Tyson quote of “Everybody has a plan…” Being prepared to change your plans is good to start with. This isn’t because the plan isn’t good – it’s because situations are always changing, and you never have the complete picture during the planning stages. The complete picture only comes when you are on the ground and taking action. This is when you find out what problems need to be dealt with. When you are in motion, any setbacks are signs to modify the plan not the goal. Keep that strong self-image of yourself and remember your goal to be disciplined. Sports teams will adjust tactics on the

move, so do military units. You have to be ready to do the same. A problem can be dealt with using the same techniques as anything else. Break it down into pieces and see what you need to solve first. Focus on this first job, and find the solution, even if that means trying a few different solutions until you get the right one. Then you can move to the second issue and more until they’ve all been solved. If you use this mentality, you can learn how to do anything. Experience will help you to do all of this even better in the future, and it also helps with your discipline, because the more problems you have to deal with, the less they can affect you in the future. Another David Goggins quote: “You have to build calluses on your brain just like how you build calluses on your hands.” He’s talking about enduring tough situations. Goggins does ultramarathons and a whole variety of other crazily difficult things just to build a strong mind, which has faced difficulty many times. He does the things he hates, in the worst conditions, so he will be mentally strong and disciplined in any situation. Experience with discipline will give you the same benefits. It will strengthen your mind and get you used to being disciplined, which makes it easier to stay disciplined in the future. It even lets you build on your discipline and raise it to higher levels. Remember that you don’t want to overwhelm yourself in the early days – it’s a marathon, not a sprint. It’s better to have continuous, consistent progress that will raise your mental discipline gradually to the highest levels

.

Chapter 15: Boosting Your Efforts

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ith the advice given in this guide, you should already be able to greatly improve on your mental discipline. You now have the tools and techniques to create a more disciplined life. We just finished talking about how you can (and should) build on an already disciplined life to make it even better. Everything in life has different levels to it, and by reaching the highest levels of discipline, you will unlock whatever type of life you want. In sports, it’s easy to see the different levels. You have different tiers and levels of sports teams. There are people who perform well at high school level but struggle at anything higher. There are also people who make it all the way to the professional level and are considered star talents. Regardless of the level, there’s always room for improvement. One of the best soccer players in the world is Cristiano Ronaldo. This guy has been thought of as one of the best players since he was a teenager and is still performing at the very

highest level, aged 34. He’s already in the discussion for greatest of all time, yet he is known for a ridiculously high work-rate and a professional, disciplined approach to every area of his life, from diet to recovery. Here are a couple of quotes from him: “I think I have improved from last year. I am always trying to improve my game and improve myself.” “I still learn.” “I know that no one’s harder on me than myself, and that’s never going to change.” This is clearly a very driven man. Despite being considered the best player (alongside Messi) in the world for over a decade, he isn’t slowing down. In fact, he’s still pushing hard to try and get even better. As he’s gotten older, his character has matured, and he’s been able to become even more professional, even more disciplined. It’s a mentality that everybody should be trying to copy. Constant improvement is the way forward. Remember this when you are pushing towards your own goals and using the techniques I’ve taught you. With a good core level of discipline and a good understanding of those techniques, it’s possible to develop even further. True Control The mind can go off on a tangent and spin towards negative thoughts at any time. It can also throw up intrusive, unhelpful thoughts. Your emotions also have their own reactions to different situations and can mess with you if you fall into a negative state in response to an event in your life. The difference now is that you

know how to best deal with this. Sometimes it’s still going to be difficult, especially the emotional side. There are some really bad things that can happen in life and they can really throw you out of sync. If you do suffer from a really bad or traumatic event, take your time to heal and process the situation. Maintain what discipline you can, but be gentle and generous with yourself during the process. Once you’re ready to go again, you’ll be able to build the discipline back up more quickly than before. With the mental and emotional management techniques in this guide, you can get a great level of control over your own thoughts and emotions. Once you do that, it’s possible to move to the next step – understanding other people’s thoughts and emotions. Understanding your own mind, emotions, and psychology are all helpful to understanding general human emotions and thoughts. You will begin to spot people’s mindsets. If somebody lacks a lot of selfbelief, or has an unfocused mind, you may be able to spot it when interacting with them. This is a helpful tool, because it allows you to guide them through their thoughts/emotions and to better deal with them. You won’t be able to control their mental/emotional states, but you will be able to influence them and hopefully bring some discipline to their lives too. Why does the discipline of other people matter? Because we are all affected by our surroundings. If you’re surrounded by undisciplined, negative people, then it will make it a lot tougher for you to stay disciplined, happy, and productive. On the flipside, having positive and disciplined people around will push you to maintain your standard AND try even harder.

Having a positive effect on people is noticeable for them too. It will create a public image of you as a disciplined person, which is the next step after your disciplined self-image. If viewing yourself as a disciplined person helps to enforce it, adding on the social pressure of others viewing you in that way will help as well. The understanding of emotions and thoughts will become deeper within yourself too. You’ll know immediately when something isn’t right and will be able to spot signs earlier. This helps you deal with the problem faster and more effectively. Over time, staying in a positive and disciplined state becomes habit, so the work is more about staying on track instead of getting on track. Maximizing Your Routines Once more, it’s time for you to do some analysis and see how you’re progressing. Keeping logs and diaries is very helpful, although it’s probably easier to see where you need to make tweaks, thanks to your already high level of discipline. Look for any gaps or areas where you can squeeze out even a small improvement. It’s extremely helpful if you can create some positive feedback loops as well, which fuel your desired life goals. For example, if you want to travel and get healthy, but also want to be disciplined with work, then you could reward your work related discipline with interesting fitness or travel related rewards. You might reward yourself by taking up a new hobby sport for example. Taking part in this sport is a reward but also requires discipline, plus it makes you happier and feel rewarded, so you really want to push through with work discipline again. Having the reward will also have refreshed you ready for work. The

idea is that when you get back to work (from your holiday or after your exercise session), you will be working even harder and sticking to discipline even more because the reward is fresh in your mind and giving you extra fuel. This gets you more rewards, which makes you work even harder, and so on in a circle until you reach the highest levels possible. This is how you take advantage of positive feedback loops. Don’t forget the effects of momentum too. Striking while the iron is hot is how you maximize your development. Once you are moving forward and your discipline is improving, you should never slack off. It takes more energy to start a ball rolling from a standstill than it does to speed it up if it’s already rolling. Momentum with discipline works in the same way. If you’re already disciplined and moving along that route, then adding a few more tweaks to be even more disciplined isn’t too hard. For people who aren’t showing any discipline at all, even a couple of simple steps can seem really hard. Make sure your work isn’t wasted by focusing on total development of discipline. Slacking off should never be a reward, being undisciplined should never be a reward, and your belief should be to maintain a disciplined life from here on out. Negative momentum is also real, so if you start to slide, your focus has got to be on stopping it. Stop any deterioration, and then focus on rebuilding discipline afterwards. Deterioration is a big sign of poor discipline; if it happens to you it needs to be nipped in the bud. An important note – a sudden lowering of discipline can be a sign of unacknowledged mental or emotional issues. Make sure you’re truly doing everything possible to deal with these areas and to keep your

body, mind, and soul healthy. All three of these areas are interlinked, and you have to develop in each one to live happily (and to be productive while maintaining discipline). Your good habits and routines need to become a permanent part of your life as well. A good way to do this is by anchoring them to essential parts of your day. Got a nice routine going in the mornings? Make brushing your teeth and eating breakfast a final part of that routine, and perhaps even anchor it to a starting signal. The simplest things work best – if opening your curtains each morning is the trigger to begin your routine, then it’s easily going to be ingrained in you after a couple of months. It makes the morning routine almost automatic and super easy to get into. While some habits are tougher than others to anchor, it’s possible to do this with all of them. You just have to be a little creative with your triggers and prompts, making sure they work in harmony with your daily life.

Chapter 16: Defending Your Discipline

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’d like to share another quote with you. This one has been attributed to a few different people, but I first heard it in an interview with a young, successful entrepreneur. He was talking about his work rate and the consistency of his output, and why it had stayed so high despite his repeated successes in the years before the interview. “The greatest threat to your future success is your current success.” It’s so incredibly true that most people overlook it. It comes back to the difference between drive and motivation. Motivation is fleeting, it’s temporary. People feel motivated sometimes, then they lose the feeling and fall off the path. Being driven is a different matter. Like Eric Thomas says: “When you want it as badly as you want to breathe, THEN you will be successful.” To be driven is to be obsessed. It’s to be like Cristiano Ronaldo pushing on even though he’s considered the best already. It’s to be like Tom Brady, a sixth round pick in the NFL draft all those years ago. This man was overlooked by everybody, even his own team, before getting a shot. He was doubted from day one and that created

a drive that propelled him to the top spot in his sport. Tom Brady won his first Super Bowl in 2001 during his third season in the sport. A lot of people would be tempted to slack off after hitting this peak. Tom wasn’t. They won it again in 2003 and 2004 and had a perfect season in 2007, winning every game until the final. By that game, Brady was considered one of the greats. He had the fame, the money, the endorsement contracts, AND the supermodel girlfriend. This is where success would start to break most people’s discipline. It takes an iron resolve, a real drive, to stay disciplined in the face of all this comfort and all these options. Since then, the Patriots have won another three Super Bowls with Brady leading the team. His success definitely didn’t derail him and even in his 40’s, he’s at the top of his game. Always remember why you started this journey. Don’t allow comfort to weaken your discipline. Until your goals are fulfilled and your plan is completed, there should only be a forward march on discipline. “No slack whatsoever.” – Jocko Willink Charting Your Progress As you walk the self-developmental path, those lists of goals and multi-step plans are important for charting your progress. Working through a plan step by step means you can always see exactly where you’re at. It’s a good idea to keep a separate checklist that lists the steps of ALL your plans, no matter which area of life it’s about. This is like a master list for you to refer to. When you complete a step, check it off. The aim is to gradually clear the entire list, but clearing it completely would mean that you’re stagnating and not pushing as hard as you can – not being as

disciplined as you should. When your list begins to near completion in even one area, it’s time to update the list. You have to be setting and updating goals regularly to grow as a person. Even if you’re striving to be number one in your field and are coming close, there’s always more to do. Even for the greatest there has ever been, there is still room for improvement. The point is to be the best you can be, not the best compared to everyone else. The greatest of all time is a mantle that can be passed on in the future, so if somebody were to earn it, they should make the gap as big as possible and try to hold on to it. Knowing you’ve been the best you can be is what discipline is about. People who fail but know they gave their all are able to rest much easier than those who succeeded but believe they could have done better. Even in the early days when you’re creating your plans and goals, you should be ambitious. It’s good to have a bigger overall goal in place, then work back from that. If the big goal looks in sight, immediately start thinking about bigger and better ones. Aiming for something that is too close will dull enthusiasm and dampen your drive. Big goals give big inspiration, and they give you the best reason to stay disciplined and productive. Internal Focus Versus External Focus The people we talked about, like Tom Brady and Cristiano Ronaldo, are prime examples of people with an internal focus. Bill Gates and Elon Musk are also internally focused; you have to be if you want to keep pushing once you’re already reached the top of your field. Having an internal focus means that you believe you have the ability

to shape and influence your life. It’s a belief that you have control over your journey, compared to an external focus where people feel that the events and circumstances around them decide their fate. Externally focused people feel powerless and are the types who are relying on luck or waiting for a big break or different circumstances. To succeed, you have to take control of your life and be internally focused. True internal focus also means that you are focused on internal results. This means that material results don’t matter so much; it means that the money you make or the accolades you earn are not the measure of your success. With internal focus, you are concentrating on maximizing your performance, your own output. If you’ve already hit your financial goals but you know that there is room for more discipline and more productivity, then you should still be driving ahead at full speed. In reality, nobody can ever truly max out, because as you get better, you will also find new ways to improve and new little tweaks to improve your output. Discipline is massive to managing this process; you have to stay disciplined and keep a strong internal focus. Everybody has a reason to be driven and seek discipline – those who don’t have a reason don’t begin the search, so by being here, you must have a reason. Always keep this in mind, no matter how long it has been or how much of the journey has been completed. Any pain or struggle from your past that fuels you should always be kept in mind. Relate back to it if you do start feeling too comfortable and remember why you started. For some people, it isn’t even a real event

that

happened,

just

a

determination

to

avoid

bad

circumstances – or a determination to succeed and provide a high standard of life for themselves or their families. The reasons can be happy ones as well; you can be fuelled by love and devotion just as easily as pain and struggle. Your specific reasons aren’t the important detail here. The important point is to use your fuel constantly to keep your discipline high. Keeping Your Vision Focused Your reasons aren’t the only thing you should keep in mind. Remember your goals too. Every time they get closer, you need to aim bigger and higher. Of course you don’t always need to be 100% focused on a career or financial goals – discipline isn’t only about material success. Discipline means making the most out of your life in all areas. If you are reaching your financial or business goals and don’t really need much more, you can still use that discipline to better your life in other areas. By being disciplined, you make the most of your time. That means you could manage the financial needs of your family with comfort by reaching a certain level of success and begin devoting time to your family instead. You can devote more time to your own health and welfare, to relaxation and enjoying life in whatever way you like. Hobbies, social events, and more can be enjoyed. Discipline isn’t all about work – it’s about learning how to work HARD so you can do more of what you WANT to do. It’s about enjoying the life you want to live. Even the guy who is living a life of hobbies, family, and minimal work should still be striving for more though. He or she could strive to develop more in personal hobbies, or to develop a better relationship

with family members. You could spend time with your children and mentor them more, become involved in their lives, and play a more active role in their upbringing. You might want to be more active in the community instead. The field doesn’t matter, the point is that there’s always a bigger goal. Always aim for bigger goals to keep yourself hungry. Use visualization to keep your goals and your fuel effective. Feel the associated emotions that help you to stay mentally strong and disciplined. Think about your reasons why and the goals you’re aiming for. “I would visualize things coming to me. It would just make me feel better. Visualization works if you work hard. That’s the thing. You can’t just visualize and go eat a sandwich.” – Jim Carrey It’s good to visualize and picture your goals, but be wary that you aren’t just hoping to attract it by imagining it. Belief in yourself and a success mindset are important – you have to feel that you ARE disciplined and that you ARE successful to get there. It doesn’t happen because you’re visualizing it though. It happens because you believe that you are these things, so you live in a way that reflects that – including the work, the decisions, and the sacrifices that come along with being that person. Along with the visualization, you should build habits that reinforce your drive. Make a habit of analyzing your recent progress and doing an audit of your results. Be honest with yourself to get the best out of this. Use the regular positive rewards to keep fueling your dreams. Visualize some small goals as well so that when you check them off, you’ve genuinely brought visualized goals into reality. It’s all about

enforcing the new you – the successful and disciplined you. Use habits that have visible progress, such as working on fitness. Visual results like this are powerful because they are constant reminders of the work you have already done to build yourself into something more. Dealing With Setbacks The final problem you will need to defend your discipline against is the inevitable setbacks. Setbacks will hit you from one place or another eventually – it happens to everyone. It can be something in your personal life or your professional life. It could be a random occurrence that only affects you, or a big disaster that affects an entire industry, area, or family. Disasters come in many forms. They’re also a massive test for your mental discipline. Remember when we talked about self-care? It’s important to keep that in mind. You are the machine and it’s important that you’re healthy and happy. If something bad happens, you must take whatever time is needed to process it. Some situations definitely allow for time away, such as the death of a loved one. What you can’t do is let it derail you completely. Mental toughness and discipline are important if you want to avoid pain and reach your goals. Even if you’re only doing a little bit, it all helps. Keep your output to at least 20%, and you will get the most important things done. When bad times hit, process them in a way that works for you. Use methods like meditation if you need to. Big events are difficult to prepare for because there’s so much variation in what can happen. Having stayed even a little on course will make a big difference once it’s over though.

Smaller things will happen as well, and those are easier to deal with. There are some great techniques that can help you with the more common problems. The solutions we are going to use include reframing,

dissociation,

breathing

techniques,

visualization,

mindfulness, and meditation. We looked at reframing earlier in the guide, but let’s recap it now. When you get certain feelings or thoughts, they aren’t really caused by the problem in front of you, instead they’re caused by how you view that problem. This is why other people might see something as less of a problem (or more) than you do, because we all have our own unique viewpoints. These viewpoints are based on past experience and the lessons we’ve learned throughout our lives. When you use reframing, you are altering the way you view a problem by getting rid of the old outlook. You need to get really vivid in your imagination to experience the situation and the negative feelings/thoughts that you associate with it. Give it complete, 100% focus to make it as real as possible to your brain. Then you “frame” the memory with something ridiculous happening, or something funny. It doesn’t matter what you imagine (in fact the crazier it is, the better), it just matters that it’s outrageous, unrealistic, and not at all scary or intimidating. Repeat this over and over again with different things happening, and do it rapidly for five minutes or more at a time, reinforcing it a few times each day when starting. This will make you a lot less sensitive to the problems. By overwhelming your memory circuitry with these whacky situations, they lose grip on the negative outlook they used to have and become confused between the fake and silly imaginary

scenarios, and the real thing. Now you have a blank slate and a blank state, so you can look at each situation or problem with an objective view and deal with it using an objective, fact-based approach. Dissociation was also mentioned earlier in the guide. This is when you look at your situation but as an observer instead of from your point of view. It takes a little practice and good visualization or imagination to work. With practice, this can be an extremely powerful technique. It lets you alter your behavior, because when you look at your problems as an observer, you look only at the facts and not the attached feelings or any baggage that you personally have regarding the situation. Seeing a problem in this way makes solutions clear. You could view it as if some friend or family member had the problem and you’re advising them. You can also zoom out and see the problem and your situation as only one small part of the massive world around us all. Unless your problem is a large meteor headed straight for us, or an impending nuclear launch, it’s unlikely to be any more than a ripple in the ocean that is Earth. Seeing that your problem isn’t so bad makes it more manageable, while looking in from the outside removes your emotional reactions and responses, neither of which have any place in a disciplined approach. Speaking of visualization, it’s an effective technique for problem solving as well. Again there’s a focus on our outlook and reaction here. You don’t have to have an exact solution, you just need to visualize that you CAN and WILL solve the problem in front of you. Problem solving should be part of your self-image, too, because it

helps the visualization to become more powerful. Regularly practice visualizing problems and working your way through them. Visualize how you will stop at nothing and keep a disciplined, high output to get through life. See yourself achieving your goals and succeeding. By visualizing all of this vividly, you will build your own confidence and belief in your problem solving ability. You can also couple all of this with positive affirmations to make them even more powerful. I find that listening to positivity podcasts and videos helps a lot with the affirmation side. It’s a little bit like being surrounded by positive people all day – for me, it’s the next best thing to having Tony Robbins, Jocko Willink, or Gary Vaynerchuck as my own personal friends and mentors. I use videos daily as a way of surrounding myself with positive affirmations and belief. It helps to keep my discipline at an extremely high level, and I don’t even need to take time out of my day for it. I listen to my affirmations and podcasts in the car, while doing chores, and even in the shower/bath. I have in-depth guides for mindfulness and meditation available to you already. Those guides are much more informative and comprehensive than anything I could list here, so if you want to know more, check those out.

Outro It’s been quite a journey through this book so far and if you’re still here, then congratulations on sticking with it. You have walked a few more steps along the long path of discipline. In that time, we’ve explored the makings of discipline, how it works, and how you can adapt it. Those lessons start in changing your core and your self-beliefs, just as I did many years ago. Creating a new identity in your mind of the person you want to be and enforcing it through small decisions. For me, it started with morning routines during university and moved on from there. I learned to chunk assignments, to grind out hard days with a lower output (but never zero) if needed, and to create plans for my days. Since then, I’ve began to strategize my life, control thoughts and emotions, and to aid my development by living a healthier lifestyle – one that includes good diet, exercise, relaxation, and socializing. Pushing outside of the comfort zone in different areas of life has helped as well – and you can benefit a lot from pushing your boundaries in general too. Remember that life can be what you want it to, if you are really willing to live the lifestyle that goes with it. I mean the real lifestyle, not the Hollywood make-believe where rich people get to lie around all day and boss people around. As Jordan Peterson says, the top of the pile is a tough spot to be – everyone looks to you for the answer

and solution. For most of us, we want a moderate amount of success, enough to enjoy life. It’s about the lifestyle that will make you happy, and most people don’t actually want to be Elon Musk and still working those kinds of hours. Most people want to enjoy the perks way before that time, and that’s perfectly okay – I know I’d be happy some distance before the billion dollar mark. Once you have decided what you really, really want (and are willing to put the work in for), then you adapt that persona. Believe in your ability to get there, and back it up with effort. Hold yourself to those new standards and create that identity, ingrain it into yourself, piece by piece. Live a healthy life and take advantage of the energy and productivity boosts from good sleep, diet, and exercise. Use relaxation and socialization to keep yourself in good mental shape too. Build your mental toughness and willpower as you go, one step at a time. Remember this isn’t a sprint, it’s a long-distance race. To be in it for the long haul, you need to gradually adapt so that you don’t overwhelm yourself. Exercise self-control and begin cutting out your old, bad habits. Again, take it slowly if you need to. Don’t overwhelm yourself. Your body and mind are essential parts of the machine that is you, and you need it to work optimally to have the best shot at success. Always take good care of yourself. You wouldn’t build a house on a rocky foundation, would you? It’s the same premise. As you develop, a new you begins to take shape. From there, it’s time to really get to grips with the planning. Be the mastermind

architect of your future, and enforce new habits, adding more as you go. Create those routines and eliminate any remaining bad habits and weaknesses. Begin to really master your thoughts and emotions. This is the area most affected by good relaxation and mental health, so exercise and socialization play a part too – as does diet. It’s surprising how much a bad diet can negatively affect your hormone production and mental health, so be sure to stay on point with your nutrition. Over time, you can keep on increasing your willpower and how effectively you use it by using the techniques learned from this guide. Your improvement will only accelerate, and it’s surprising how much can be achieved in even a few years using this approach. Make sure you give the new you a reason to stick around and make it permanent too. Use those rewards and good times. Enjoy your life, and get out there in whatever way you want sometimes – whether it’s doing the nightclub thing or travelling to a remote destination. Life is here to be enjoyed, and if you’re happy and enjoying some rewards along the way, it’ll only make you happier and work even harder. Good luck on your journey out there. Many before you have benefitted from the methods within this guide. Now the knowledge is in your hands, and it’s up to you whether you want to join them. All the best! One last thing before you go – Can I ask you a favor? I need your help! If you like this book, could you please share your experience HERE on Amazon and write an honest review? It will be just one minute for you (I will be happy even with one sentence!), but a GREAT

help for me and definitely good Karma . Since I’m not a wellestablished author and I don’t have powerful people and big publishing companies supporting me, I read every single review and jump around with joy like a little kid every time my readers comment on my books and give me their honest feedback! If I was able to inspire you in any way, please let me know! It will also help me get my books in front of more people looking for new ideas and useful knowledge. If you did not enjoy the book or had a problem with it, please don’t

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at [email protected] and tell me how I can improve it to provide more value and more knowledge to my readers. I’m constantly working on my books to make them better and more helpful. Thank you and good luck! I believe in you and I wish you all the best on your new journey! Your friend, Ian

Mental Toughness Training How to Master Your Emotions, Overcome Adversity and Start Controlling Your Life

Introduction When it comes to life and success, people talk about some areas more than others. Let’s take a look at the sporting world just for a moment. In sports, talent gets a lot of mentions. Yet nobody will tell you that talent can take you all the way. In fact, there are countless stories out there of people who didn’t show innate talent, yet succeeded through hard work—just like there are many stories of insanely talented people who threw it all away by not applying themselves. Discipline and hard work are given more importance in almost every situation. Without those crucial factors, talent really doesn’t matter. In fact, there are plenty of people who believe that talent is a gift but not a necessity. “Talent is never enough. With few exceptions the best players are the hardest workers.” –Magic Johnson This is a saying that a lot of us can relate to as well. There are lots of talented people out there—physically, academically, in any way you can think of. Almost everyone will come across people in their lifetimes that seem destined for great things. People who just get it whenever they’re shown or taught something. Yet the common factor among these people we all encounter, the thing that ties them together, isn’t their success. No, it’s their lack of success—even though everything seems to be going for them. On the other hand, my experience in working with successful people

and businesses has shown a common factor tying them all together. Rather than a belief in talent, there is a belief in hard work and process. The people who succeed always believe that they can succeed regardless of natural gifts or abilities. This is important to keep in mind—it’s not just about hard work or talent, it’s about adaptability. It’s about becoming whoever or whatever you need to be in order to succeed in your field. “Successful people do what unsuccessful people are not willing to do.” – Jim Rohn Now most of us aren’t out here trying to make it to the Olympics, the NFL, or the Premier League. If you are, I commend you—and I’m sure the info in this book can still be of great use to you—but for the rest of us, the pursuit of success is more about academics, business, or even personal relationships. Through all of these areas of life, there are certain skills that will help you to manage yourself in better ways. Being intelligent and being hard working are two of the obvious ones. Society loves a hard worker, and society has a strong belief in how far intelligence can get you. Think about it for a moment—why else is education so important? Why else are famous universities and schools so sought after by parents for their children? Why do companies care so much about what degree you have and where you got it? We are all taught from a young age that intelligence matters, and if you don’t have it naturally, you can pick it up through hard work and application. The truth however is that intelligence doesn’t always indicate success. I remember a great Forbes article from a few years

back that focused precisely on this issue. To summarize it, intelligence can sometimes be a drawback for success. Why? It leads to over-analysis, because with more intelligence, people become more risk averse and aware of negative consequences. With high intelligence, people can become paralyzed by the mass of information they’re taking in. Yes, intelligence is a great thing. It matters a lot (why else would governments and armies have entire sections devoted to nothing but intelligence, counter-intelligence, and disinformation?), but it is far from the only thing that matters. Hmm, so if not intelligence, then what would be a good indicator of success? Ah, now you’re asking the real questions. Discover How to Get Rid of Stress & Anxiety and Reach Inner Peace in 20 Days or Less!

To help speed up your personal transformation, I have prepared a special gift for you! Download my full, 120 page e-book “Mindfulness Based Stress and Anxiety Management Tools” for free by clicking here. Link:

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Chapter 1: What Is Emotional Intelligence?

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here are certain books and ideas that have developed widespread cult followings in the modern world. They can be as powerful as religious texts for those who seek success, and they give great hints at what matters most for success in life. How to Win Friends and Influence People, The Art of War, 48 Laws of Power, and many other books have a lot in common. Deciphering what that is can be a bit difficult when looking from the outside in, so let me help you out with it here. The title of the first book is a big giveaway—How to Win Friends and Influence People. Many of the 48 laws also relate back to this point, such as Law 3—Conceal Your Intentions, and Law 19—Know Who You’re Dealing With, Do Not Offend the Wrong Person. What am I talking about? I’m talking about your ability to handle people. The problem with handling people is that people are emotional by nature. They can be unpredictable or outright crazy in how they behave. People also tend to bring out these kinds of unpredictable responses in us when we deal with them. Why? Because of emotion. Back in 1995, there was a book called Emotional Intelligence

published by Daniel Goleman, a behavioral scientist and journalist. Goleman had spent his adult life learning and teaching on the subject of human psychology and behavior. I won’t bore you with his entire background, but suffice to say he’s a real heavy hitter in the field of psychology, being sought after during his career by places like Harvard, Yale, and Rutgers, before working for Psychology Today and eventually The New York Times. He released his book, which theorized the existence of emotional intelligence and that it was as important as IQ (a buzzword for general intelligence at the time) for indicating how successful a person would be. The book itself theorized that emotional intelligence (or EQ as it would become known) was something that could be taught and honed amongst people—a revelation considering that IQ is believed to be hard to alter at any point during a person’s life. This was only the start of the modern world’s fascination with emotional intelligence, and only the start of the knowledge and information that has since come into the world. Over time, this is sure to increase, as knowledge always does. Because there have been many more books written on the issue of what emotional intelligence is (and because it has been touched on in my past books already), I won’t bore you by rehashing it here. It’s enough to say that emotional intelligence exists and is a proven indicator of success. “When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion.” –Dale Carnegie “No one cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.” –Theodore Roosevelt

Two great quotes from two great men, both of whom experienced their success in multiple fields. It should go without saying that emotional intelligence matters regardless of what field you’re in. In business, it can help you to create a more productive workforce. A team who understands and relates to your goals is going to go that much further for you than one who does not. Potential business partners and deals become much easier to negotiate if you can find a way to connect with these people on an emotional level. At a more basic level, even applying for a job becomes a simpler process if you are able to read and connect with the interviewer. Moving on to ourselves, having emotional intelligence allows us to process events and to motivate ourselves in more effective ways than we could by ignoring emotions. In fact, long-term ignorance of emotions and a lack of emotional intelligence can cause problems in an otherwise well-oiled machine. Like Carnegie said, human beings really are emotional creatures—even the ones who don’t realize it. Somewhere deep down within all of us is an engine of emotions that drives who we are as people and what we do. This is why you can find so many people from bad backgrounds who have driven on to success. It’s also why you can find people that have come from good, loving backgrounds and have chosen to repay that faith and love by striving for more and earning their own success. It’s not the circumstances that matter; it’s how they are used. It’s what emotions these situations create and how they are handled. With high emotional intelligence, a person can take any circumstance, any gift, or any tragedy and use it for fuel in a productive way. With good emotional intelligence, setbacks no longer

derail drive for success but redirect and hone it in ways that only make you more likely to succeed. To go even further than this, having good emotional intelligence has a direct impact on your personal life. Being able to understand and relate to the people around you, your spouse, your family, and your friends, will only be beneficial to you in the long run. It makes you a better friend or family member; it makes you a better partner. Imagine for a minute your ideal life. Very few people would be imagining a life without a family, friends, or a partner. Now if you are ignorant on an emotional level, how happy are these people going to be with you? And how happy are you going to be with them in return when they react to that lack of emotion? For people who are striving for success, we often have to accept that we might have to be the strongest in our families or our social circles. We often strive for leadership positions in our personal and professional lives, and leadership means a lot more than just making the right decision. Roosevelt was president of the United States—do you think he could have gotten there if people didn’t find him relatable or think that he cared? Do you think your family will be happy that you are striving for financial success if they don’t know that you care about them, that you love them, and that you are there for them in their hard times? Humans are emotional, there’s no avoiding it, and to look after your family and friends, your business, or your team, you will eventually have to deal with those emotions. Being able to deal with them in the right way, in a positive way, is the key to your long-term success in all of these areas.

In this book, we are going to be focusing on the area of emotions and emotional intelligence. The aim is for you to have a better understanding of emotions from top to bottom. This will include why human beings have emotions in the first place, and how they have been advantageous to our survival and evolution as a species. Through reading this book, you’ll learn how to observe and detach from your emotions and how to lessen their control or impact over you. We’ll go over techniques to help you deal with crisis moments and tough situations. From there you’re going to learn how other parts of your life interact with and affect your emotional states and responses. By learning how to process bad feelings and trauma, you will become emotionally stronger and more resilient. You’ll also learn how to focus on the positives and how to flip the script entirely by turning negative experiences and emotions into fuel for building the life of your dreams. In the following pages, I want you to remember that your emotional system is not an isolated one—it’s one part of the complex machine that is a human being. By understanding this, and how your other systems (physical, mental) interact with your emotions, you will be in a good position to maximize your own potential and build a better, happier life.

Chapter 2: Observing Emotions

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efore we start controlling and harnessing our emotions, we have to understand them. This section explores the origins of human emotions and why they are hard-wired to be part of our system. You’ll learn the advantages that this emotional system gives you and how it both keeps you safe and helps you to thrive. By understanding why emotions happen and what they are, you can begin to work on experiencing and observing them without allowing them to control or overwhelm you. What Emotions Are and Why They Exist One of the biggest reasons that emotions have such an impact on our lives is that they are so difficult to control. People react to things based on their emotional responses, and these reactions can sometimes be quite extreme or intense. Sometimes this level of response is justified—when a loved one passes away, there is going to be an extremely emotional response, and in this case, it’s certainly justified too. This comes back to the reason that emotions exist in the first place. They are an evolutionary mechanism to help us deal with life and to help us succeed in the first place.

When a person is presented with a dangerous situation, fear is a normal response. This is because (in these situations) fear itself can be the thing that keeps you alive. In older times, it would have told our ancestors to stay away from dangerous ledges or dangerous looking animals. It would keep people from entering threatening situations, which improves their chances of surviving and having children to continue their line. The human race traces back to a surprisingly small number of common ancestors. It has been documented that the entire human race can be traced back to only seven different mothers, and one of these women is a common ancestor to roughly 40% of the human species. Think about that for just a moment, considering our world is made up of many billion people of many different races and religions. Nearly half of us came from one woman, way back when. Why is this? The simple answer is that humans are extremely good at dying and at wiping each other out. History has had many successful rulers and conquerors who have wiped out entire populations, and even beyond that, our species has wiped out plenty of similar humanoid lines that existed on this earth. Scientific finds have so far discovered a number of other humanoid species that once shared the earth with us. Some of these include Neanderthals and the Denisovans. There could well have been more, some of which might be discovered in the future. Yet of these lines, only the homo sapiens have survived, only the modern humans. That itself shows how difficult it is for a species to survive and thrive long-term on this planet, especially when you

consider the intelligence and adaptability that we humans are known for. We have been able to conquer all forms of nature, from ruling the lands and seas to harnessing the powers of the sun, oceans, and wind. We have managed to do the impossible and fashion ourselves into the smartest and most dangerous creatures to ever walk this earth, with an endless development of knowledge from ancient times up until now. Truly, we are the closest thing this world has ever seen to a super-species, one that stands miles above every other in existence. Despite this, similar species (such as the Neanderthals) have failed to take hold and have eventually been wiped from existence. Even amongst humans, we have little genetic difference, which would suggest that many humans do not successfully reproduce over the long-term. One of the major driving forces behind keeping us alive and keeping us in existence over this time has been emotion. To human beings, keeping our genetic material alive is as close as we can come to immortality, so of course there would be some kind of hard-wiring to make us look after our children and urge them to succeed. This is what we call love, and it is why parents say that there is no love like the love that a parent has for their child. Even outside of genetic material, great people throughout history have been motivated by the appeal of “immortality” in one form or another. Ancient conquerors like Julius Caesar and Alexander the Great were driven in part by being the greatest of their times. Ask yourself for a moment, why would that matter to anyone? Why does

a sportsperson dream of being the best in their sport? It isn’t just about being number one, it’s about taking the place of whoever is already talked about as “the greatest.” In boxing, we have Muhammad Ali as the modern day greatest, a man who is still talked about today even though he passed away years ago. Similarly, Ayrton Senna is still mentioned by Formula 1 race fans despite passing away during his prime in 1994. Great football players and Olympians are likewise idolized, just as great politicians and generals are too. Caesar and Alexander are two of the ultimate examples, still known and discussed many centuries after they walked the earth. In fact, Alexander the Great only lived to 32 years old and is still famous almost 2,500 years later! This type of fame, this type of immortality, struck an extreme emotional chord with these particular men and drove them to be the most they could be. Many would say it drove them to great things (I’ll come back to this shortly…), greater than the world could imagine, and in doing so, it firmly entrenched them in the history books and immortality. In the cases of these people, emotion was the driving force for their greatness. In many cases (and Alexander’s), it is also the reason that their family nurtures them and equips them for greatness. Alexander’s own father ensured he had the best education, the finest tutors, and that he inherited an army ready for war. He did this from love, an emotion that parents all over will understand well. The reason that love exists in the first place though is for the furthering and the betterment of genetic line. We humans have developed our complex emotional systems so that

we can survive dangers and so that we can give our loved ones the best chances of survival and success in the future. Today we call this love, but once upon a time there wouldn’t have been a label for it, there wouldn’t even have been language. We would have just had the urge to make sure our children survive, in some cases at the expense of others’ children. Likewise, we would have just had the urge to avoid those dangerous cliffs or that scary looking saber-toothed tiger. We wouldn’t have known that these were emotions, and we wouldn’t have any need to label them, but we would have experienced them and acknowledged them. Over time, the humans who survived best would have been those who actually listened to their emotions, those who avoided dangers and nurtured their families and social circles. Speaking of social circles, here’s another consideration for you. A lot of how people behave today is based on evolutionary hard-wiring. Now, consider for a second that there are a bunch of humans out in the wild, ancient world of 10,000 years ago. Some of these humans have families, all of varying sizes. Some may have a brother or two, others may have ten. Some may be friendly and have a few friends, meaning that they can also count on the family of those friends in tough situations. Now, in this scenario, let’s say there is a human (and family) who decides to go for a social approach. These people are great at making friends, being likable, and influencing people. Why? Well, because they have good emotional intelligence, not that they would know what that is or what it means. They just know that they can relate to people, and people like them. The end effect is that these

people are able to call on hundreds of local families to help them out if anything goes wrong or if anything is needed. Perhaps they can even persuade all of these people to follow them or their ideas. What you would see in this situation is the beginning of a primitive civilization. This would be a group of people that could from a tribe or a settlement of some form. Maybe they even develop to form some kind of early day religion, who knows? The point I want you to consider is this—in this scenario, are these people at any advantage over the other people around them? I would say yes. They are more able to defend themselves and each other because they have numbers. They are a much tougher target for predators, or even would be conquerors, because there are so many of them. Added to this, by having more people working together, they are likely to develop advances in tools or in techniques, which would then give them better chances of survival over others. To be brutally honest, looking at the history of humankind and our desire to conquer one another, these people would likely be the conquerors who then swept over the land, bringing others either into their fold or under their rule—or worse. The rise of the Romans can be simplified into this kind of situation. A coalition of smart, capable people who first created a city, then took over nearby lands and eventually spread out to rule their entire nation—and they didn’t stop there. Emotions are a driving force behind our successful evolution. They are the reason we do anything. If you were to remove any emotional desires of your own, what reason are you left with to do anything? We want success so we can provide comfort for ourselves and our

people, so we can ensure our futures, and so we are protected from harm. Even today, wanting to succeed so that you don’t have to worry about rent, about bills, or about your health, these are all evolutionary positives, and they are enforced by emotions. The pain of losing a loved one serves as motivation to succeed. Making sure you have the most resources available to prevent anything like that happening again is a massive motivator. Logically we all know that life will eventually end for all of us, and that illness and injury are impossible to avoid, but still we are driven to do everything in our power to keep these things at bay for as long as possible. Overcoming and Labeling Emotions Earlier on, I talked about Alexander the Great and his great achievements, or at least how they would appear great to many people. It’s something I said I would come back to, and with good reason—Alexander was a conqueror and a general, a man who took over the control of many lands during his short reign on Earth, and a man who generally did so through violence or the threat of it. To the history books, and to modern people, he is seen as a great leader and successful general. To the people he slaughtered and the lands he took for his own, he would not have been seen in such a positive light. This also relates to emotion and to how we view things. Emotions exist to keep us alive and to help us succeed, not to help all humans. For Alexanders followers, he was a great man who brought success and riches. These things had to come from somewhere though, there had to be a losing side in all his battles and conquests, one

which was equally driven by emotion, but one that ultimately failed and lost. “Be still my heart; thou hast known worse than this.” –Homer This quote from Homer shows that even in the oldest of recorded human history, we have known that emotion can be controlled and harnessed, that it can be overcome in order to further our success. “The desire for safety stands against every great and noble enterprise.” – Tacitus This quote from the great Roman senator shows it is sometimes necessary to overcome emotion if you want true greatness. See, just as emotion was instrumental in our ancestors staying safe, learning about emotion and how to overcome it was instrumental in their descendants becoming successful and powerful. Along the way, the successful ones have always framed their intentions as a product of the good and the just. “Good actions give strength to ourselves and inspire good actions in others.” –Plato But what is “good”? To the victims of Alexander, or of Caesar or Genghis Khan, good was not what won out. For those people, the good side failed and lost, while the bad side triumphed and ruled. The biggest part of observing emotions is having an objective view of the

situation.

This

matters

because

it’s

the

beginning

of

understanding and using emotions in your favor. Looking at the animal kingdom, when a wolf catches a rabbit, or a lioness catches a zebra, which is the good side and which is the evil? Is the lioness bad for hunting and killing an animal, considering

she would starve and die if she didn’t? Where does emotion come into this situation, considering the lioness has a family and cubs to feed? Does it make the act of her hunting and killing the zebra an evil one? I would argue that it does not. On the other hand, the zebra too will likely have a family, perhaps young that it is rearing and teaching about the world. Perhaps it is even one of the young that is captured and eaten in this particular setting. Yet does the lioness doing this in order to provide for her family make this a good act? Again, I would argue that it doesn’t. In nature and in the animal kingdom, there are countless examples like this where either side can be viewed as good or evil depending on the point of view you are looking at the situation from. “There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.” –William Shakespeare “There is, to be sure, no evil without something good.” –Pliny the Elder Two quotes centuries apart with the same meaning and intention. Good and evil are products of a point of view, of a label. In reality, there are only things that happen. There are actions, and there can be consequences from those actions, or an increase or decrease of options based on those actions, but everything that happens in our world simply happens. For some, the death of the zebra is good. It feeds the lion cubs. It also feeds the vultures. Its corpse will nourish the ground, the bugs, and the plants. Yet to others, this death is a bad outcome. Similarly, we as people attach labels of “good” or “bad” to things that happen in our lives and our worlds. We have this strange fascination

with what is “good,” and many people strive to act in ways that are consistent with this label. It’s understandable too, because by being “good” we become socially accepted and more relatable and are more likely to be seen as emotionally similar and to create a following … Do you see now why even the label of “good” is an evolutionary creation to better our chances of survival? Standing out and going against the crowd in ancient times could have gotten you killed. Even a couple of centuries ago people were being stoned for witchcraft or heresy in some parts of the world—heck, in some parts, they still are today. The labeling of emotions has long been something that has helped us and our families to survive through hard times. It has kept us safe and has ensured our freedom. In the world as it exists today, there is a lot more freedom available to us. We are free to have different opinions, to disagree with the majority, and to be as outspoken or controversial as we like. It’s a double-edged sword, which has turned the modern age into a time of extreme advances in technology and knowledge, but which also features a wide spread of crazy and dangerous ideas such as racism and terrorist organizations. What you need to realize is that there is a definite middle ground between the old views of “do only what is good” and the new ways of “every opinion is allowed.” You can choose to harness this for your own gain if you want to. You don’t have to be shackled by old beliefs and systems anymore. You don’t have to view emotions as a “good” or “bad” situation. It’s okay to have your own views, and it’s okay to have points of view or even goals, which serve your purposes even if the whole world wouldn’t necessarily agree with them.

Please keep in mind, I’m not advocating dangerous beliefs here. You shouldn’t be looking to hurt other people or to force your views on them. In business, if your success comes at the cost of another’s failure, then it is a similar situation to the lioness and zebra in the animal kingdom. If only one can succeed in the field from you and your competitors, then inevitably somebody has to be the lioness and somebody has to be the zebra. Knowing that labeling things as “good” and “evil” can be empowering when it comes to emotions. When something happens in your life that could be seen as a bad event, you know that it’s simply a part of life, a part of nature. There is no reason to feel like you are cursed or that you have bad luck. There is no reason to feel that you are encountering “bad” events and that this will continue. This advice isn’t only useful for bad events but also for good ones. Just like fear can be off putting and pain can slow your progress, success can also bring its own drawbacks. For starters, with the good/bad labeling, people who enjoy early success sometimes begin to see themselves as gifted or infallible. This can lead to them not making the best decisions in the future or in buying into their own “natural ability” to succeed, meaning that they no longer care for learning or alternate points of view. With emotional intelligence, just like you need to discount bad events as just events, you also need to understand that everything that happens in your favor is a standalone event. Success in one situation doesn’t necessarily mean you will succeed again, even if the situation is similar. Sports are a great analogy for this. During his career, Michael Jordan

was considered the greatest basketball player of his time and perhaps of all time. It would have been easy for him to rest on this acclaim as the greatest and enjoy the success he already had. He was an ultra-marketable athlete and had great success in his first six seasons in the NBA, but he found limited success specifically (in the last three seasons) against the Detroit Pistons in the playoffs. Why? Because the Pistons used a different strategy designed especially for MJ to limit his influence on the game. Instead of accepting this, Jordan came away from these seasons with a burning determination to overcome this stumbling block. He realized that they were playing very physically against him, exploiting his lean, speed-based style to limit him by simply roughing him up and forcing him to play as energetically as possible. Jordan, already considered the best player in the league, approached this situation by working extra hard on his strength and conditioning. Simultaneously, he understood that the extra attention he was getting could potentially free up his teammates, so he changed his game subtly to be more team-focused. The result was that in the following season, Jordan was able to withstand the physical pressure that the Pistons were putting on him. He also passed the ball around more so that shutting him out of the game didn’t have as much impact—especially if the opposition was double-teaming him to do so. Instead of resting on his past success, he was determined to be even better and to succeed even more. The same can be seen in the New England Patriots of the NFL who were dominant during the years of Tom Brady and Bill Belichick. These two men have more

Superbowl wins than any other coach or player has ever had. In fact, they individually have more championship wins than any single team has ever had. Did they stop to admire their success after gaining a few championships? No. Belichick’s teams are notorious for approaching each and every season, and game, as if no other has ever existed before it. Put simply, they do not take success for granted, and that has been the reason why they’ve done so well over the years. One final note I want to put here—some events in your life are sure to be big ones. While we can remove the labels of good/bad, certain events are sure to have an impact. The passing of a loved one is an example. These kinds of events can’t (and shouldn’t) be ignored. Events like these are big; they will take a while to process and get over (more on processing later), and you can’t really rush the process. Give yourself time when it is truly needed, and you will be a much happier and more productive person overall. Nobody can accept and heal from trauma immediately. Traumatic occurrences are going to feel bad to you when they happen—that’s normal. Just remember that this does not mean you or your life is bad. Things happen, unfortunately. A good thing to keep in mind when these things do happen is the idea of mindfulness, or living in the moment. There is a reason that these ideas are so powerful—it’s because being in the moment removes any power that worries of the future have (emotionally driven), and it also removes any power the past has over you, your mindset, and your life.

We are all in the moment, and at this moment, since you are reading this, you are as alive and well as anybody else in the universe. Knowing this, you can use it to your advantage. Negative Emotions Some people are outright avoidant of emotions, especially bad ones. It makes sense too, doesn’t it? If something feels bad, you just try not to think about it. Avoid it and you won’t feel bad. Instead of the hard work of dealing with issues, just ignore them. Pretend they’re not there. When you look at it, it doesn’t sound like the best idea but it doesn’t sound terrible either. It actually is a pretty terrible idea though. Life is (hopefully) a long-term situation for all of us, and we should be planning and preparing for that at all times. Emotions are almost like a signaling system. They’re not something we’re supposed to be in control of, instead they’re like a feedback system. They help you to understand how current happenings are affecting you—and the life plan is generally to have an impact on your environment and create the life you want. So, emotions are the feedback, your life is the situation, and your actions are the inputs. It takes time to change the situation but it is possible by changing the inputs (your actions). The way you change these actions so that you have a happy life depends on what you want. Figuring that out means you have to understand the feedback—the emotions. It’s important to work towards a happy life and to be adjusting for this goal at all times. But wait, haven’t I said it’s better to live in the moment? Of course! In the moment doesn’t mean you pretend the future doesn’t exist

though. Take the best aspects of living in the moment. People who use living in the moment as justification to live recklessly are playing a dangerous game. Over time, the odds will be stacked against these people and they will suffer bad consequences for their poor decision-making. Living in the moment means you try to be content with what the real situation is at this moment. Living for the future means you also try to be productive for your future self, even in a small way, in these present moments. Over time we build a better now while also being in the now. Does that make sense? Okay, so back to emotions. With negative ones, if you ignore them they begin to cause deeper effects. These vary from person to person and by emotional situation too (amongst other factors). Some people will become depressed or suffer with anxiety. Perhaps there are substance abuse issues, or low self-esteem, health issues, weight problems, hormonal problems, etc. The list goes on. We’re still finding more information on how our mental and general health are linked to each other. So far, we have seen many indications that mental health has a massive impact on our overall health. Mental health problems can lower overall life expectancy by 10-20 years! That’s huge considering a worldwide average expectancy of 70-78 years, although this is heavily affected by lifestyle, location, and even gender. This kind of impact reiterates how important mental health is if we want to live healthy lives. The first way negative emotions affect us is by restricting our right to the life we want and any hope of achieving our dreams. For most people’s dreams to be possible, they’re going to have to go through

negative events or emotions at some point. The only way not to is by giving up on the dreams in the first place. How horrible would that be? To give up on the possibility of life ever changing for the better? At the same time, it’s tough to actually fully avoid negative emotions and events. They can get pretty invasive at times and pop up unexpectedly and without warning. Partly this is because they’re unacknowledged. So along with getting hidden effects from repressing bad things, we also get more negative effects from them actually breaking through sometimes anyway. It looks like most people are experiencing way worse effects just from trying to avoid negative emotions. Acknowledging emotions isn’t as simple as just deciding to do it for a lot of people, so now we’re going to go over a quick exercise that will help you to acknowledge and process emotions that you feel. Emotional Observation Exercise This exercise works whenever a feeling or emotion appears. It’s best if you can find a quiet space to be alone for this or in other comfortable surroundings (like with a spouse or trusted friend). The bathroom can be a great spot to quickly get some privacy. Once you’re comfortable, just allow your thoughts and feelings to go. Don’t try to hold them in. As this happens, try to note down the feelings as if you were explaining them to somebody else. Don’t have any judgement, just stick to the facts and use quick notes to express what’s happening. You can think of it as trying to explain symptoms to a doctor. For example, when angry I might note down that I’m feeling:

Angry, shocked, and short of breath, in disbelief at events as they are. That’s not a lot to note, but it’s enough to understand the way I’m feeling. Another time I might have written: Disappointed and nervous, unsure of what future will hold. These quick notes are surprisingly helpful with dealing with emotion. A lot of the time the emotion itself starts to lose power over us almost immediately. We learn that frequently our problem isn’t the emotion itself but the unresolved issues caused by avoiding the emotion. Over time, this becomes a strong tool for dealing with tough emotions. The key is to know that you are not the emotion. The emotion does not come from you per se because “you” are the consciousness behind the body, the thoughts, and the emotions. If that sounds complicated, think of it like this; if you twist your ankle, do you see it as something you did or something that happened to you? You don’t go out and decide to twist your ankle (hopefully), so it’s something that happens to you. An emotion is the same way. When you note the emotions, you are the observer. You’re watching and literally trying to understand. Like the doctor needs symptoms, you need them too, so you note them down. It unlocks a deeper understanding of your emotions, and then allows them to pass. The exercise is a simple one, as there are no more steps to it. Over time you may find that certain people or situations are triggering specific emotions and feelings within you. It’s a great starting point for addressing these situations and dealing with the root of the problem—and doing it in a calm, collected way.

“Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” –Rumi We should always be trying to be better communicators. This means we need to understand people and understand ourselves, so accepting and observing emotions is a big part of this. I’ve seen so many different types of people in management positions over the years, and the few emotional ones don’t last very long. They either crack under the stress, or they alienate their team/workers and possibly even bosses. Some even go so far as to cost companies business and customers with their emotional reactions. You can communicate negative feelings or feedback in a way that doesn’t cause the same reaction. Saying things calmly is a big part of being heard as well, because some people react to aggression by going into defense mode or avoidance. They won’t even really take in what you’re saying. This is true for your personal life as well. When I was young, I used to get shouted at quite a bit. This was less because I was particularly bad and more because I had a loud parent who was kind of demanding. It’s understandable to me though—my parents hadn’t known much more, being from an “old school” family that didn’t really do emotions much. Our part of the world wasn’t the most lavish either, and while not terrible, there were certainly some hard times. They wanted better for me, so they shouted to try and get it. One time my cousin told me a trick to stop being shouted at. Just talk back to them calmly and ask why they need to shout instead of talk. It was a master play. The other person immediately feels ridiculous for shouting. It didn’t work for me all the time, but it worked enough.

Aside from noting, being mindful is another great way to observe and let go of emotions. When we feel bad/anxious about something in the past or future, we are not living in the moment. By living in the moment and being mindful of the now, these feelings can’t have much impact. Usually our minds can run away on a train of thought, which relates to our emotions and starts either playing back situations or making assumptions. Just taking a breath and getting back in the moment can be a huge help with stopping this. Of course, meditation is a great tool as well because it increases your ability to both observe emotions and to live in the present moment. Regular practice also lowers the levels of cortisol (the stress hormone) in your body, which is important too. People with high levels of cortisol suffer from depression more often. High levels can also keep your system at the edge of your fight-or-flight adrenal response, leading to overreactions to minor events. I’ve already covered both mindfulness and meditation quite deeply in the past, so I’ll move on from them here. Self-Observation Whenever I have worked with people at or near the top of their field, they’ve always had certain things in common. One of these is the ability to assess their own performance with honesty. These people aren’t afraid to say when they’ve made a mistake or where they could have performed better. They break everything down, find their weaknesses, and rebuild from there. It’s why they do so well. This theory applies to all areas in life. You can build yourself to be pretty much whomever and however you like. Of course, you have to

do the necessary work as well. With emotions, we’re trying to create a happier life for ourselves and the people around us. We can do that by observing our emotions over the long term. The earlier exercise is a great help here, because you should already have some notes on how you’ve felt through the day. Visualization Exercise At the end of each day, you should write down how you’ve felt in general that day and the one to three events that affected you most. Note down how each of those events made you feel as well. It might be helpful to visualize the event again. In a quiet space and alone, just close your eyes and try to go back to that moment. Imagine it vividly, the noises you heard, what you could see, any smells, and so on. Visualization is a powerful tool and using it properly allows you to tap into the same emotions that were occurring at the time. You don’t have to go too deep if it’s too distressing. In those situations, you’re very likely to feel the emotions without needing to visualize anyway. Note down the emotions afterwards just as you would have in the emotional observation exercise. You can be as brief or as in depth as you like. Now, also note down how you reacted to the situation. You have to be honest with this part—if you raised your voice, don’t deny it to yourself. Lying to yourself means you’ll never be who you want to be. This is all you need to do at the start. It will help you to accept and deal with emotions, and you will also begin to see and to understand how you react to these emotions. This type of audit of your emotions will show you where you could react better and what situations you

need to work on. Perhaps you need to work on staying calm, or on being more assertive, or just on speaking up. Whatever it is, once you identify it, you are working towards solving the problem. At this point, you should have a deeper understanding of your emotional system and why it exists. This information can help you to process and deal with emotions that aren’t important 0r that need to be processed before you can move on. Remember, you must process any emotions even if you don’t believe they’re important right now. All lingering emotions will have an impact on us, and this impact can be sudden and unexpected if we allow emotional baggage to build up. The techniques shared in this chapter can be used to calm you if emotions hit you suddenly, so you can breathe and find a way through those crisis moments.

Chapter 3: Emotional States and Energy

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his chapter will explore emotional states and energies. In day-to-day life your surroundings are important—especially the people in your life. People and activities can either add or remove energy from you. A big part of life is identifying any situations that are particularly draining or reenergizing for you, and planning the rest of your life in a way that allows you to thrive through these situations. Sometimes emotional states are triggered by specific events, environments, or people. By identifying these situations, you can break the cycle and improve how you react. Have you ever come across a person who is constantly stressed, worried, or anxious? Maybe you’ve even suffered this problem yourself. There’s been times in my life when I did, and I’ve worked with lots of people who have also had to deal with anxiety, stress, and worry. One of the most memorable for me is working with special forces soldiers. These are guys who are tasked with some of the most dangerous missions imaginable, and they’re expected to perform at the highest level time and time again, regardless of the dangers and consequences.

To me, this is an extreme level of mental and emotional toughness. Not only knowing that you may be injured or killed, but having to perform as your friends and colleagues are injured/killed is incredibly tough. If something does go wrong, these people still have a job to perform, and they have to carry on regardless. Some have seen friends die in front of them and still had to complete the mission. Not only that, but they had to be ready for the next one straight afterwards as well. I find it incredible how they’re able to function so well—or so I thought. Having worked with and spent time with some of these people, I learned that they are in fact just as human as the rest of us. They make mistakes, they feel, they hurt, and they worry. In fact, one thing I found common with many military personnel in general is that they have to feel and experience a lot more emotion than the average person. Despite the tough man or woman image some of them give on the outside, they suffer just as anybody else would in those situations. Nobody can go through horrific events and not be affected. I learned that these people too will suffer with fear and anxiety, and they have to find ways to deal with it. I asked one of them once how they manage to live in hostile territory without constantly being afraid. His reply? Being stressed, worried, afraid, or in any other emotional state is tiring. They need their energy for important things, so they can’t waste it being worried all day. Now think of people you know who are constantly emotional and stressed out, or think back to a time when you were if it applies. You

will notice these people tend to be low energy, they don’t really enjoy life, and they may even look tired. This is because emotions really do drain you if you are fighting against them all day. Acknowledging your emotions is done so that you can return to being in the moment, the now. By being in the now, you should be able to be calm. Even states of focus are not as tiring as a state of worry or anxiety. The bigger problem with constant emotion is that when it drains your energy, you then become more emotional. Tired people are more prone to react emotionally because when we tire, the rational part of our brain doesn’t function as well as usual. Tiredness also raises our levels of cortisol, which again causes more emotional responses and reactions. Sometimes a person who is tired and stressed will become upset over something that they wouldn’t normally even care about. Once again, this is a downwards cycle leading to more energy loss, more cortisol, more tiredness, and a worsening emotional state. Energy Givers and Takers Energy isn’t only used by emotions, as we know. Almost everything we do in life uses up some of our energy. Even the act of thinking or making a decision uses a little bit of energy. This means it’s important to manage your energy well. If you don’t, your tank will get drained and you’ll be handicapped when dealing with your emotions. The first steps to maintaining a good energy level are to make sure you are eating a nutritious, balanced diet and that you are getting enough sleep. For diet, I would recommend whole foods, and to eat as little processed or junk food as possible. Of course, you can treat

yourself sometimes, but the idea is overall discipline. With sleep, the amount we need varies a lot from person to person. 6-8 hours is an average. Some are okay with 4-5, others need 9-10. Look into sleep hygiene and making sure your sleeping environment is a good setup for your recovery time. Sleep cycles also play a part in how we feel when we wake and our initial energy levels. Using a smartwatch or sleep tracker is a good idea to figure out how your cycles work. It usually takes around 90 minutes for a sleep cycle, with the first cycle sometimes being faster. In an extremely tired body, there is a rush cycle at first sleeping, which completes within 30 minutes. Your body and mind rely on how many cycles are completed, not how long you’re actually asleep. Waking at the deep point of a cycle will leave people tired and unable to perform at their best. The next step to good energy levels is based on your emotional observations. You need to create a life that’s in harmony with all of your needs. Any situations or people that regularly cause you negative emotions should be avoided. It’s not always possible to avoid them entirely, depending on the situation, but some can be. The ones that can’t are where our energy will be used to manage our emotions and grow, lessening how they affect us in the long term. It’s a long-term solution and takes time; it is very possible though and helped along by getting rid of unnecessary stressors. Along with dealing with the negatives, create as many positives as possible. Take note of the things you enjoy and that bring positive feelings. Maybe a couple of ornaments around the house would make it a more pleasant place for you, or a house plant, or even a

fish tank. Also try to enjoy your life in the now. Living in the moment allows you to take pleasure in the small things, which are so often overlooked in life. Like when we talked about diet, you can still have a treat sometimes, right? Just do it consciously and actually enjoy it instead of doing it out of habit. Although there aren’t any studies into it, because it’s such a tough thing to prove, there’s a strong theory that people are also able to either boost each other’s energy or drain it. I’ve definitely been around people who seem to revitalize me, perhaps through the conversations we have. Others literally seem to radiate energy and uplift those around them. Then there are those that leave you feeling drained. Pay attention to how the people around you affect your energy. Minimize your time with the energy drainers as much as possible, and maximize your time with the energy boosters. Finally, we have activities. Doing activities takes energy, but some of them can boost your overall energy levels. There are two types of activities we’re going to look at. The first is active relaxation. Active relaxation means you are doing something, but you’re doing it to relax. Perhaps you’re reading a book, or meditating, or taking a bath. The point is that you should take a little time out of every day just for yourself. Do whatever you would like to do for that short while. Studies have shown that focusing on relaxation in this way not only lowers cortisol, it also boosts your immune system, mood, and energy levels. Meditation is also a great tool to pair this with. While some people consider their meditation time to be their “me time” for

the day, I would recommend you also have another activity purely for enjoyment and relaxation. I actually love a long, hot bath when possible; it’s a real joy for me and brightens my mood a lot. The second type of activity is physical activity, or exercise. While exercise uses up a fair bit of energy itself, it has a great effect on your mood and emotional state. During exercise, your body releases endorphins, which are basically feel good chemicals. Regular exercise will keep these chemicals at a good level in your system so your mood will be better than usual. Taking part in some types of exercise can also build confidence and boost self-esteem. These are both helpful for your emotional state too, and particularly for anybody dealing with depression. Your immune system will be boosted as well. The other big benefit to physical exercise is that although it uses energy, over time you will have higher energy levels overall, so in the long run, you’re winning on both fronts. You’ll be getting all the benefits of exercise, and your energy levels will be higher than ever.

Chapter 4: Reacting to Emotional Situations

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he last chapter looked at building a healthy and sustainable lifestyle in terms of emotional balance and energy. By avoiding stressful situations when possible, we can preserve our own emotional harmony. Of course, that isn’t always possible, which is why you need to build a life geared to maximizing your emotional energy. In this chapter we’re going to get more specific about dealing with emotional situations—especially the bad ones. You’re going to learn techniques used by elite business and sportspeople to handle tough situations. I’m also going to show you how you can exploit the connections between physical and emotional states to create the state you want at the time. The importance of making decisions and how to handle the inevitable negative events in life are also part of this section. These events can commonly derail people, so use the techniques here to make sure you are as prepared as possible. Sometimes a situation can cause a big emotional reaction. I mentioned earlier that it’s best to avoid these, but there’s no way you can really avoid all emotional situations. Sometimes people are unreasonable or situations are really bad, and the normal thing is to experience a lot of emotion.

Imagine a businessman, the CEO of a big company in fact. There are all types of problems that could pop up in this person’s day. Now imagine if at the first big disaster, at 10 a.m. in the morning, this person got flustered and began to react aggressively. From that point on, this anger would affect all of their decisions for the rest of the day. Now how many of those decisions do you think would be good ones? In a significant position, or for any important decision, it’s vital to remove emotion from the equation. Going back to the soldiers I mentioned earlier, imagine what would happen if they allowed anger or fear to affect their decision-making while on a mission. Imagine if they allowed fear to have an impact on their planning. These situations could easily lead to the wrong decision being made, which could leave to more danger overall, or to a failed mission. We all have to rely on logic to make our decisions and try our best to keep emotion out of it. “You can’t make decisions based on fear and the possibility of what might happen.” –Michelle Obama Psychopaths Let’s look at psychopaths for a moment. Psychopathy is defined as a personality disorder, which includes symptoms such as antisocial behavior, a lack of empathy or remorse, and bold decision-making. On the whole, psychopathy is considered a bad disorder, and it is. However, studies have found that some positive traits are also associated with psychopathic tendencies, like courage and calculated risk taking. When you think about it, this makes a lot of sense too. The psychopathic tendencies that cause people to feel

emotions less intensely are going to lead to them handling bad situations better and also not to rest on their success too much. They’ll be able to assess situations logically and choose a reaction or solution based on the facts, not the emotions. Other psychopathic traits lead people to be less impacted by losses and to be more confident and surer of their decisions. This means they won’t second guess themselves once their decision is made and that they can move on from a bad one pretty quickly. The narcissistic side of psychopathy can also be a driving force for some people, as they refuse to accept the average and instead try to achieve as much as possible. So far, a number of studies have given results showing that anywhere from 4-20% of business leaders display psychopathic traits. Many people who have worked closely with people like Steve Jobs or Elon Musk might describe these people as psychopaths. In the case of Jobs, many people who worked with him on a day-to-day basis weren’t particularly fond of him. He wasn’t always a nice person, and he’s just one well-known example of things that likely happen in big companies all over the world. Michael Jordan was obsessive about being the best and went to extreme lengths, as did boxing legend Floyd Mayweather Jr. Bill Gates was also known to be a ruthless businessman during the growth of Microsoft in the 1980s and 1990s. All of these people could be described as having psychopathic traits in how they view themselves, particularly in how self-focused they are—but that’s what made all of them great. Now let’s talk about how you can implement a bit of that attitude in

your life when it comes to problems. Emotional Reactions Explained When an emotion happens, it can cause a physiological response. That means that your body can change the way it’s operating because of the emotion. This probably isn’t news to you. I’m sure you’ve had moments when emotion has made your heart beat faster or has triggered you to start sweating. These are caused mostly by the cortisol and other hormones being released inside your body when the emotion occurs. When your body starts to react in this way, it is gearing up to react in the way it believes is right as a response to the emotion. Put simply, it’s letting the emotion take control and have a big say in how it (and you) behave. Thankfully, just as emotion can cause physical changes, physical changes can also trigger emotions. I want to share with you an exercise on confidence that is used by the self-improvement guru Tony Robbins. If you don’t know who Robbins is, look him up. He turned himself into a success from humble origins and is a prized speaker on self-improvement. He’s written books, been in movies, and more. So, for this exercise, I want you to sit in a slumped position, one that you would expect from a low confidence person. Allow your shoulders to slump and come close together, and get into a bit of a hunched up, almost defensive posture. Take short, shallow breaths and speak only in a very quiet voice for a couple of minutes. Take note of how you feel. Most people in this exercise will start to feel less energetic, less motivated, and less confident overall. Now I want you to do the opposite. I want you not just to sit up, but to

stand up. Hold your shoulders back and wide, and have your back completely straight so your head is as high as it can be. Imagine your body expanding into the maximum amount of space it can occupy. Swing your arms a little, or do a little strut. Take slow, big breaths. Now I want you to shout something, anything you like, even just “Hey!” Shout it loud. Follow this with a loud cheer or whoop, like you’re celebrating something. Walk around for a little bit with your big, strong posture. Now how do you feel? Most people feel an instant boost in confidence and mood from this exercise. Doing this exercise can be good if your mood in general is low, but today we’re looking at reacting to emotions. The way you can apply this to emotions is that you can always make sure to hold a confident, relaxed body posture. Keep your words slow, and control your breathing. Slow it down and take a moment for yourself before you react or speak, even if you’re already in a conversation. Controlling your breathing and keeping good posture and an even speech pattern are helpful to keeping yourself in a calm emotional state. This should be something you pre-emptively focus on through your day; try to build it into a regular habit. It’s important that you can get to the point where you are maintaining good posture and breathing habits at all times. Now the next step—when something happens to cause an emotional reaction, slow things down as much as possible. Take some time to breath, deeply if you can, and take a little time to think. The more you can slow things down, the better it is for you. During this time, you can accept the emotion and that you are feeling it. That’s fine. It’s even fine to take a moment and go through the

emotional observation exercise if needed. Once that’s done, you need to focus on the facts of the situation and only the facts. Another technique that can help you here is an NLP technique known as dissociation, which we’ll look at in a moment. Once you are able to look at the facts of the situation, you can react in a rational manner. Dissociation Earlier I mentioned Tony Robbins, the self-help guru. Robbins was an early pioneer of NLP, or neuro-linguistic programming. This is a technique based on how your mental state (neuro) is linked to the language you use (linguistic) and the body state you enforce. It’s why Robbins technique on being more confident works. Simply breathing deeper and standing with upright posture, making yourself large and loud, will improve your confidence in the short term. Robbins has become a renowned speaker, able to perform daring feats such as fire walking, through the powers of NLP and hypnosis. There are lots of different techniques within NLP. One of these is dissociation. Dissociation is best done with memories and will help to process emotional events. It works best with emotional memories that you have attached more value to than you should have. Perhaps you’re overly anxious about your performance at work or if you’re doing enough in your home life. Most of the time, this level of worry is caused by our mind making the memory and the situation more important than they need to be. With dissociation, you distance yourself from the event itself and see the bigger picture. You see, almost everybody will naturally feel like they are the center of the universe—and they are, at least we’re all

the center of our own universes. When you look at a memory and want to dissociate, you replay the memory as vividly as you can. It’s best if you can close your eyes in a quiet space and go back to imagining the event just as it happened. Imagine the sights, smells, and temperature around you. How does the air feel? Was there anything memorable that stood out and caught your attention? Now that you’re “in the memory,” you want to zoom out from your own point of view. Think of it like you’re operating a video camera and recording the memory instead of seeing it from your own point of view. Play through the memory from the outside. Zoom out further to the edges of the room and observe the memory from there. You can take this as far as you like, zooming out of the room entirely and seeing the whole building, then even the whole block. The memory of what’s going on in your small section doesn’t seem so important now, does it? There’s still a lot of levels of zoom left if needed. The town, the entire city, even the whole country. Heck you can go out beyond the planet itself if you want to, it’s all up to you. I usually feel fine when I’m zoomed out to the city level at most, because my own problems seem so insignificant in a society of millions. It’s a great way to get over any hang ups you have on how you dealt with something or an event that happened. A lot of CEO’s, politicians, and other decision makers use dissociation or similar techniques. It allows them to remove the emotion from the situation or the information they have been given. When you look at an event in this way, you can observe the facts

much more easily. I’ve been told so many times by my soldier friends that the ultimate tool in decision-making is to take a calm, rational approach. If you can keep your head when others are losing theirs, you have the advantage. Soldiers need to take this skill to the maximum, as they could be in violent and volatile situations. When bullets are flying, the worst thing to do is be scared. Any time you ask a battle-hardened soldier how they survive, they will tell you that if you panic or become afraid, you’re as good as dead anyway. They have to remove those emotions and do a real-time version of dissociation. By getting rid of or overriding their own automatic emotional response, they can make a calculated and fact-based decision. This is how they survive and succeed. At all levels, whether it’s a relationship decision or a professional one, removing emotion is to your advantage. By dissociating, you can make the important decisions in your own life with more confidence and in a more rational, informed way. With practice over time, dissociation becomes a more powerful tool, and it is possible to start using it in real-time, just as soldiers and stock traders often need to. The better you can become with this skill, the more easily you will ride through the emotional turbulence life may throw at you. Phobias, Fears, and Traumatic Memories Dissociation also works for phobias and fears, as the thought or memory of these situations can produce a strong response in some people. Because of this response, it can be tough for people to access these memories willingly, and some people would be hesitant

to try. It’s understandable because nobody likes to feel bad— remember our emotions are another system our body uses to stay safe and happy. To be the best version of yourself, you know that you have to overcome this type of hardwiring at various times. Living the life you dream of means becoming the person who lives that life, the one who it all works and fits for. “You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself into one.” –Henry David Thoreau Quotes like this one, and the general idea of pushing beyond your comfort zones, are very valuable to people hungry for success. The other day I was reading about former U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt, a man who accomplished so much in just a 60-year lifespan. Roosevelt started life as a sick child who struggled with various health problems. As a youngster, he was advised not to exercise too much and to get plenty of rest. He even struggled to sleep lying down because of respiratory problems and often had to sleep while propped up in a chair. Against the advice of his doctors, Roosevelt instead began to push himself through rigorous exercise. He developed into a strong, robust individual who even once survived an assassination attempt and completed his speech, having been shot in the chest, before he accepted medical attention. Roosevelt was a big believe in what he called “the strenuous life.” He gave a famous speech about it in 1899, with the speech also being known as “The Strenuous Life.” His idea was that a person should

be pushing into uncomfortable territory and working to the point where it feels hard. If they are doing this, then they should surely be living a good and productive life. In balance with this, I would like to point out another quote, this time by Stephen Covey, who is a keynote speaker and author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. “Be patient with yourself. Self-growth is tender; it’s holy ground. There’s no greater investment.” –Stephen Covey Covey also presses the importance of self-growth and improvement. He says “there’s no greater investment,” and he’s right. Happiness comes from living the life you want to live, and that life comes from the sacrifice of becoming that person. What Covey also focuses on is patience and how growth can be tough and “tender.” When it comes to phobias, fears, and traumatic memories, the process is sure to be sore and tough. Just as I would encourage you to push hard and overcome as much as you possibly can, I would also insist that you manage your expectations well and aren’t pushing too hard. If you’re starting to struggle or really dread the process, then you’re probably pushing too hard. Phobias, fears, and traumatic memories all work in the same way. If it’s hard to initially relive the memory or thought, that’s okay. Start small and imagine something related, or just a slight part of the memory. At the same time, remind yourself rationally that you are perfectly safe and not currently reliving the events. If you need to keep your eyes open instead of closed so that this works better for you, go ahead and do that. With a little time, you’ll be able to go into the memory, thought, or

fear quite far and begin to feel effects similar to the real situation. This is where the dissociation comes in and you zoom out, just like before. See the other things that are going on around your building or street. Consider how many lives are being lived out and all of the different things that are happening. Let’s use a person suffering with arachnophobia as an example. Imagine that this person is scared to the point where they can’t be in the same building as a tiny spider if they know it’s there. The thought of a spider on their hand would be terrifying and a tough one to imagine. Using dissociative thinking, this person can at least imagine themselves in some kind of proximity to a tiny spider, perhaps one that is outside in the garden or somewhere down the road. Dissociation and the zooming technique make the situation seem much less scary or dangerous. By practicing this type of thought process time and again, and by getting a little braver whenever it gets comfortable, the person in question might soon be able to imagine themselves getting closer to the spider, or vice versa. Maybe they could imagine being in the same room as a small sized spider, and eventually even looking at the spider or getting close to it. Once this type of thought becomes comfortable or at least acceptable, there will have already been progress with the fear. By mentally going to a place where they are in the presence of a spider, this person will definitely react with less emotion and more calmness if they are suddenly put into the situation of seeing a spider in front of them. It’s one of the first steps to overcoming the fear.

Dissociation and thought manipulation like this can work for almost all types of fear, phobias, or for traumatic events. Start small and focus on consistency, don’t try to take on too much at once. Comfort is more important for the long term because it will keep you pushing forward step by step. Visualization If there are situations that cause anxiety or bad feelings in you, like public speaking or performing in a sport, then visualization is another technique that can be useful for you. Visualization is listed and taught as an NLP technique, but some of us will have already used some type of visualization technique in our lives. It’s one of the simplest and most accessible ways of dealing with stressful situations and emotions. From a young age, humans will instinctively run through an event or process mentally. This triggers similar feelings as the event itself and acts as great preparation for how you will react to different situations. In sports, visualization is used heavily and effectively, with many sporting greats playing through the most likely scenarios in their mind and deciding which reaction is likely to be the best one for them. In our general lives, visualization works well for scenarios (like public speaking) and for problem situations that occur (such as reacting in an overly aggressive way to something that was relatively minor). If you struggle with how you react to situations, visualization is a great first step in changing your behavior. It works for all types of reaction too. If you’re a person who struggles to assert yourself or to get involved in things, then you can use

visualization to help yourself act more assertively and confidently. Affirmations are a great tool for positive behavioral changes as well. With visualization, you’re relying more on a trigger than on changing your overall behavior. It still has a lot of benefits, because common trigger situations tend to be a big part of defining our overall behavior and lifestyle. To visualize, you need to go into the memory or thought of a particular situation. I used to have a fear of heights. One of the methods I used to overcome this was to look at pictures or videos from high up and dangerous viewpoints. At first, I would find it tough just to look at properly, especially with the videos. I was really visualizing myself as being there, and some of them were truly scary for me. Slowly over time, I became more comfortable with watching clips of people base jumping or abseiling, even using point of view videos. You can do the same thing with visualization, creating a mental movie where you slowly become more comfortable with the type of reaction you want to create. Using videos and pictures (like I did) can be a big help with creating certain triggers or in bringing out your fears or anxieties. With my fear of heights, I would also look at high up points on buildings when out and about. I would try to imagine what it was like being up there, how scary everything would look and how I would feel looking down. When in buildings or structures that were pretty high, or even at cliff edges, I’d slowly work my courage up to looking down and into getting a little closer to the edge each time. Sometimes things went backwards and I wouldn’t be able to go as

far as last time, but on the whole, I’d manage either to reach the same point or even a little further. Reliving these thoughts in my memory was also a massive help, and over time this approach desensitized me. Before I used to feel total and complete terror when looking down from a height. Now I can handle it in a much better way and behave more calmly. I don’t panic, my emotions don’t get the better of me, and I behave like a rational human. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like being at heights now any more than I used to, but I can deal with it more comfortably and it doesn’t affect my life. To live the happy and complete lives we desire, we have to try and live without getting overly emotional in any situation or event. A big benefit of visualization is that it’s easy to do and you can run through it regularly. It works best when visualizing future situations instead of memories. By choosing to change future reactions and responses, you are actively managing how you deal with emotions and emotional situations. This is a proactive way of creating the life you want. Dealing with memories can be useful for processing, but without a way to change the outcome, visualization becomes a little limited. Unavoidable Negative Emotional States So far, we’ve talked about a few approaches to make emotion states less impactful on your life and some methods for dealing with emotions. A couple of times, I’ve touched on situations being unavoidable and the need to be gentle with yourself. Through our lives, we are all going to experience some type of terrible event. It could be the death of a loved one, a relationship breakdown, or financial ruin. At times like these, it’s pointless trying

to fight against the negative emotions. Something bad has happened in your life and you’re going to have to accept it. There’re a few things you can keep in mind to help with this, because obviously it’s not easy to just deal with emotions. If it was, you wouldn’t be reading this in the first place. The first thing you should do in any terrible situation, is take a moment to just breathe. At first, don’t even worry about your reaction, just focus on taking a single deep breath and then releasing it. This is a valuable space of time to process what you’ve just discovered or been told. If you can, take a couple more breaths to replay the information. Hear and accept what has happened, allow it to be real. Your body and emotions may want to kick into overdrive at this point, which is understandable. It’s the normal way to react after all, so don’t fight it. You can limit and direct it a little though. An example of what I mean would be the difference between leaving the room and finding a quiet place to fall apart privately, or collapsing into a public scene of distress. Even if you do react badly, that’s okay too. Whatever happens, happens, and none of it can be changed. Just try your best to manage your reaction a little whenever it’s possible. Along with breathing, it helps to use thinking similar to the dissociation technique. Remember that you are not the first person to go through personal tragedy, and you also won’t be the last. The world is populated with billions and billions of individuals, all of who will endure some terrible times eventually. It’s the nature of life for bad things to happen, because nothing is static and situations are always changing. It’s these changing situations that usually cause

problems for people. It’s helpful to realize that other people in the world have dealt with (and will deal with) the same problems that you are dealing with. It can be a comforting feeling. It reaffirms that you are not alone or cursed and that your situations aren’t uniquely bad—they’re similar to ones that other people have already dealt with and survived. Along with knowing you aren’t alone, it does good to remember other things in your life that are positive. For an example of a bad situation, let’s use the death of a loved one. When this happens, it’s normal to be upset and to feel angry, sad, or unhappy. The loss of a loved one is a tough obstacle to overcome. However, people in these times are almost never thinking of the loved ones they still have with them. It can be an opportunity to explore what you have to be grateful for in life. This can be a helpful way of grounding yourself and putting the level of distress into perspective. Of course, it’s terrible to lose a loved one, but at least most of us still have somebody around to help and support us. Even for those who don’t, we have the possibility of finding somebody, because for us, life goes on. As much as times can be bad, they can also be great, and all moments eventually pass. Another tip is to remember you can’t change what has already happened. The past exists and won’t ever change. The only thing you have control over is your reaction to the past—and how you use it to direct your future. Of course, that isn’t much consolation, but it is a fact. You really can’t change the past, no matter what you do. You can hope, pray, wish, and even try to study time travel. So far, none

of it has ever worked, for anyone, so there’s no reason to think it will. When you watch a movie or read a book, you’ll see a lot of characters who are underdogs. The human race loves to hear and see stories about people overcoming difficulty and making it in the face of terrible odds. In sports, the underdog story is as old as time itself and a massive draw. In your life, where you decide how you will react to things, you can make the underdog story a reality. Just because something bad happens to you, it doesn’t mean you are doomed to a bad life. This links in to my next tip as well—when something bad does happen, replay it in your mind, but replay it in an objective way. Again, it’s like the dissociation technique from earlier. Remove the emotions from it. It’s a fact, something that happened, not anything that was caused by you or that reflects on who you are as a person. With bad experiences, it’s best to try and focus on any positives that you can find. For the death of a loved one, this could be the appreciation of your remaining loved ones and knowing how important they are to you. It could be the lesson that life is fleeting and will eventually pass, so you need to try and find some happiness in the now and present of life, not put it off for an imaginary future. Perhaps the positive lesson will be to appreciate your time with family members, or to appreciate the successes and triumphs of your life, even the small ones, instead of overlooking them. In most bad situations, we can reflect internally and begin to find some kind of positive lesson, even in the worst of situations. Of course, finding positives isn’t going to make you feel great at the time, and it isn’t supposed to. Remember what was said about

accepting feelings? Sometimes you have to accept that you’re going to feel bad for a while. The positives are just a way to keep some perspective and keep yourself level headed. At least by thinking of them, you have something to balance your feelings a little. While trying to keep these small positives in mind, and accepting that you’ll feel bad anyway, you can move to control your reactions to the situation. For you, your life is your version of the underdog movie. You are the main character, and you can choose how you react to bad situations. Some people are able to bring massive positivity to their own lives and the lives of others after trauma. I once worked with a man who suffered a deep personal tragedy. He lost both of his children while they were young, one a teenager and the other even younger. Both kids were the victims of a mentally disturbed psychopath who murdered them in their own home. Their father at the time was away on a work trip, but his wife managed to quickly call him as the man was breaking in. She was also hurt in the attack, but managed to survive despite some terrible injuries. For a lot of people, this type of attack would be devastating on their lives. I’ve thought about it a few times, about how I would feel and react—and it’s tough to imagine getting through something so dark and terrible. My friend had no choice though. Of course, there were times when he reacted as expected and fell apart entirely. For the first few weeks, he was near inconsolable, but in the long run, he still had a life to focus on. His children had a third sibling who survived, and his wife had also survived. She too was going through her own turmoil, having lost two of her children and having to face the fact that she

was unable to protect her children. Thankfully the relationship didn’t become too strained as both individuals used each other for support and leaned on one another during their recovery. Together, they were able to talk and get through the worst points. Over time, they decided to form a charity and actively help other survivors of family bereavement and grief. They turned their huge negative experience into a positive for others and found a way to channel and process their experience healthily. Today they support people who have lost loved ones, especially parents or children. They give them a community of people who’ve had similar experiences to talk to and to help guide them through. They arrange events and fundraise so they can take bereaved family members out on expeditions or for workshop weekends to help them process their feelings and to live more healthily. They have done a massive amount to better the lives of people around them—all as the outcome of a huge tragedy in their own lives. A big part of what they do is the talking to people and processing the event itself, talking through what happened and making sense of the personal feelings of these individuals. This is an underrated part of dealing with emotional traumas. You would do well to use it in your own life and for dealing with your own problems. The person you talk to can be a close friend, partner, sibling, or even a professional. You can turn to charities and helplines in many situations if needed. There’s a gigantic variety of charities and foundations in existence for all kinds of problems, and most of them are quite easy to access. On top of that, there are free helplines and online support groups,

including emotional and psychological growth forums. These resources are useful to anyone and everyone. You can also get started on them without any referral or links to the community— something that some people actually prefer. Some people thrive with the anonymity of the Internet and find it easier to open up and discuss issues. Sometimes in an appointment with a psychological counsellor, the patient will be in a position (laying on a couch for example) where they can’t directly see the psychologist. This is for a similar reason—anonymity. The person doesn’t feel so much like they’re talking to another person, but more like they’re airing their thoughts and feelings to themselves, trying to make sense of them. It encourages openness and honesty. If you prefer having some anonymity, using online resources can be more helpful than relying on your social circle. Some people tend towards the opposite though. They prefer to open up and be honest with people they already know and trust. This also helps them because they’re likely to respect and appreciate any advice or feedback that they get. Some people even like a balance of both types when discussing their problems. It doesn’t matter which you prefer, or if you like both. What matters is that you get involved and talk to people when you need to. Talking helps us to understand our own thoughts and feelings, much like the earlier noting and journal techniques did. Remember that quote? “Know thyself” —it’s an important one at all times, and this is just another example of it. Sometimes talking isn’t even about understanding anything. Sometimes it can just be about sharing experiences with each other,

or acknowledging the way another person feels. Simple experiences like this are surprisingly effective in helping us process and deal with emotions. The coping mechanisms from this chapter will help you to deal with anything life throws your way. Coping mechanisms are just like any other skill, you have to practice them regularly for them to be as effective as they can be. Looking at the facts of a situation and removing the emotional lens will help you to deal with any problems that come up, because logic tells you that they’re normal problems and not some kind of personal curse. Being able to separate emotion in your approach to life allows you to make the most important and impactful decisions in your life. This is the key to shaping the life you want. So many people’s decisions are affected or altered by their emotions, which exposes them to a cycle of less ideal circumstances and negative emotions.

Chapter 5: Positively Channeling Your Emotions

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egative events will happen in your life, just as they do in everyone else’s. While being able to keep yourself calm or content is a great thing, it’s also a powerful weapon if you can turn negative events into fuel for life changes. It’s time to look at what activities you can use for bringing balance and peace to your life. Incorporating these types of activities improves your emotional processing ability. It’s also time to analyze how you deal with emotions so that your responses can continue to be honed with an aim to becoming your own version of “ideal.” Let’s go back to what was said earlier; you can’t control what happens in your life, but you can control how you react to it. Sometimes bad things will happen, and all you can do is decide how you react to it and learn from it, and how you move on. Life will have a lot of random bad (and good!) times that will try to alter your mental state. Just like with the underdog story, you can turn bad situations into fuel for a positive life. Remember early on when we discussed what emotions are and why they happen? They’re supposed to keep you

safe and keep you happy. If you decide to, you can choose to override this natural programming and make your own decisions on how you will be safe and happy in the long term. Making a decision like this isn’t an instant event. Well, it kind of is, but it also isn’t. What do I mean? Well, we’ve talked about living in the now, in the moment. The past is a memory and can’t be changed, and the future is imaginary right now because it doesn’t exist—and realistically we just can’t predict what will happen. By living in the moment, if you decide that your life will be under your control from now on, then it can be. There are lots of people out there who made a sudden decision to change their life and literally lived their new lives from that moment on. A lot of the time though, this kind of instant transformation is actually the end result of a long process. The person making the decision to live differently might have suffered a lot of setbacks before making that decision. There could have been lots and lots of bad events in their lives leading to the instant shift in thinking; perhaps they are just fed up with how life has been so far and have made a committed decision to changing it. In this way, you can decide to live positively and with control over your emotions from now on. This is how it is as simple as deciding to do something now. The reason I also say it isn’t so simple is that you will often be tested after making this decision. In addition, you might not have the right experiences to make the most out of your decision or to stick with it in the best way. This is where you need commitment and dedication to seeing your decisions through. It’s also important to remember that when you change your life, it’s

an ongoing process. Just because you have decided to live positively and peacefully doesn’t mean you won’t sometimes falter and feel negatively or flustered. It’s perfectly okay to do this or for your emotions to go off in a random direction sometimes. Life overall is a learning and growth experience. “Nothing on this earth is standing still. It’s either growing or it’s dying. No matter if it’s a tree or a human being.” –Lou Holtz Keeping a growth mindset is important for all parts of selfimprovement, and it carries a lot of importance with emotions specifically. Nobody is born with the ability to manage their emotions. When you look at young children and infants, you are looking at some of the most emotionally charged and volatile human beings in existence. Similarly, young children have a lot to learn academically about how to think and live, and even physically —athletes are created and trained during childhood but don’t peak until their adult years. Keep this in mind—we are all learning, in all areas, and attempting to grow and be better. If you do struggle with your emotions at any point, or if a negative emotional state overwhelms you, this doesn’t mean you are failing at handling your emotions. It’s an ongoing process if you want to get better at handling your life and any emotions that come up. Any setbacks are just part of the learning process, because to know how to succeed at something, you usually have to learn and discover how to fail at the same thing first. It teaches you what doesn’t work and what you need to adapt. Now that we’ve covered what being positive and making that change actually means, let’s look back at bad emotions for a second and an

alternative way of thinking about them. Remember that this emotional feedback system exists to help you, so bad emotions are here to guide you. With negative emotions, it’s okay to feel bad and to feel down—that’s the whole reason they exist. By knowing this, you can accept the bad for what it is, while knowing that it actually has a purpose and a use in your life. This isn’t always helpful to you at the time, but sometimes it will be. Sometimes it can soften the blow from a bad event and help you to understand that a negative feeling or experience doesn’t have to mean a negative state of mind. Your current emotional state is temporary, but your state of mind should be permanent. “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” This is a famous saying that a lot of people will have heard long before they read it here. It’s a good one to keep in mind for your emotional state. By remembering that you can’t completely change how you act or handle things in an instant, you can forgive yourself when you waver. Going back to your state of mind though, your mentality should be strong and accepting overall. The process of acceptance and of being better at dealing with things is something you have to commit to now. It can only start to help you once you have taken the first step. There is a second part to the quote above, which I really like. Here’s the complete version. “Rome wasn’t built in a day, but they were laying bricks every hour.” This combines the first part—the acceptance of an ongoing process —with the need to actually be in that process and trying to build a different life or mindset.

Avoidance of Negative Emotions These days society heavily favors avoiding negative emotions instead of working with them. There has been a heavy focus on productivity above all else, and on projecting the image of how you want to be, rather than how you are now. Put simply, there are lots of people who will outright lie to deny their negative emotions and maintain a positive public front. The reasons why society has developed this way are way too varied and deep to get into here. It’s enough to know that it happens. Through my work, I have dealt with dozens of people who all avoided their negative emotions. These people had a variety of different ways to avoid experiencing emotions, and a variety of different problems that it caused too. The issues usually start to present themselves either through problematic coping mechanisms or through mental health problems. Every year, around 25% of people are believed to suffer from depression or anxiety. Both of these problems are heavily influenced by emotional state. Alongside mental health, coping mechanisms that people use can also be a problem in their own right. Alcohol is a super-common way for people to avoid emotions and other problems. It’s even seen as acceptable to have a few drinks when something goes badly. Over 85% of people from drinking countries will have a drink at some point, which is a huge percentage. Over 50% of people are also regular drinkers in these countries, where the population sometimes consumes far beyond the recommended amount of alcohol. Just like alcohol, caffeine and nicotine are their own substances of

abuse in today’s world. Coffee is used by lots of people to help kick start the day, but there are also those who need, and use, more than they should. Sometimes this is the after-effects of drinking the night before. An overload on caffeine sees them through, but then it’s hard to switch off at night. A few drinks can solve this problem though … You can see how this downward spiral goes. The side effects of an exhausted body make the problem worse too, as we get more stressed and our immune system begins to weaken. In the 20th century, there was also a lot of stigma around mental health. This lasted a little longer in Eastern Europe, so I have seen first-hand how a person can begin to break down in this situation. Drinking and coffee, not talking about problems, avoiding them entirely—it takes its toll. Then there are the smokers. Smokers are more prone to anxiety than the general population. They also suffer more health problems and have a shorter life expectancy. Yet a lot of smokers continue to smoke because it offers them a small comfort or distraction. They are stuck in the habit and reliant on these small moments and bursts of nicotine through the day. The need for some kind of distraction is a problem itself. We should all be trying to build a happy and productive life, one that we enjoy. If we need a distraction or small comforts, it’s a sign that life isn’t all that great right now. Unfortunately, avoiding the problems isn’t going to make life any better. So instead of improving their lives, many smokers are happy to try and get through on autopilot. For some people, even drinking and smoking aren’t really enough. There are drug users who rely on the illicit type of drugs, or those

who rely on prescription medication. Prescription medication abuse has really blown up in the western world over the last 10 to 20 years. The internet and shady pharmacies have contributed to this, as do illegal sellers. Taking a prescription pill sounds and looks a lot less harmful to most people than injecting heroin. These days though, the effects can be identical. Around 6% of Americans aged 12 or older will abuse prescription medication over an average year. Pain killers, sedatives, stimulants, and tranquilizers are all abused by different types of users. Benzodiazepines are increasingly popular with anxiety sufferers, especially brand names like Valium or Xanax. Illegal drug users may turn to substances like heroin or cocaine, amongst others. Once again, drug reliance only makes problems worse. A lot like regularly drinking to avoid problems, you aren’t actually solving the core issue—what it is that makes a person feel like using intoxicants in the first place. Only by dealing with your emotions can you really change a situation and make it a better one. The first step to changing an emotion is accepting it and experiencing it. Another way for people to avoid emotions is by focusing on screen time instead. The average person spends 50 or more days of each year looking at a screen. For some people, this time is even higher. By staying locked in on television, movies, and streaming services, we are able to distract ourselves from reality. It works great for people who are trying to avoid emotions. This type of escapism isn’t good for you in the long term. The Internet is another popular addiction, which people overlook and feed needlessly. All of this extra distraction and stimulation, along

with our smartphone culture, create a life that is lower than ever on actual physical contact and meaningful relationships. It creates the situation some people crave, where they can ignore what they feel and just move from one distraction to the next. Any type of avoidance is bad, and some go outside of these common problem signs. There are people today who throw themselves into rigorous fitness regimes or who keep themselves overly busy with work, all in an attempt to avoid being alone with their thoughts and feelings. Remember, thoughts and feelings are not you. They are feedback from the human body you occupy. They attempt to direct your focus where it’s needed. It’s up to you to try and accept that and deal with it in a meaningful way. Life isn’t going to be easy at all times, that’s if it’s even easy at any time to begin with. To create a happy self, and to deal with emotions well, you have to practice and get started with the process. Nobody is born great at dealing with emotions. We all have to learn and go through experiences in life before we start understanding how to live happily. For emotions, starting to deal with them and to process them is the beginning of dealing with them well. “If you are willing to sacrifice the little things in life and pay the price for the things that are worthwhile, it can be done.” –Vince Lombardi The little things are the distractions, the avoidance techniques. They’re the cigarettes, the few beers, and a movie each night. It’s the urge to browse social media (another coping mechanism for some people) and seek validation there instead of working on bettering your day-to-day life. Paying the price means actually dealing with emotions, even if they are painful at first. It means

finding a way to move through things and past them instead of trying to hide from them. With time, anybody can choose to do this. Anybody can create a better, happier life for themselves. Dealing With Negative Emotions Dealing with negative emotions isn’t as simple as just deciding to do it. So far, we’ve covered the basics of emotions and how to observe them. We’ve looked at techniques for working through tense situations or helping you deal with problem areas. Our next step will be how to better accept and deal with negative emotions. The first step to dealing with any negative emotion is to understand the facts of the situation. This is the absolute first step. It applies when you first hear or see something that causes the negative emotion. It’s the moment when a doctor gives bad news, when a loved one breaks your heart, or when that dreaded phone call happens. At this point, you need to try your very best to look at the facts and not let your emotions run away. I know we’ve talked a lot about accepting and processing emotion, but it can’t always happen on the spot. Going back to the special forces guys—they’re finished if they breakdown in the moment. We have to keep some type of restraint as well. Look at what happened, where it happened, how it happened. Stick to facts like these. As soon as you can, you need to create a short plan of action. This plan is for things that must happen immediately following the bad news. They are the responsibilities that you can’t avoid or delay, such as arranging meals, ensuring children and pets are cared for, and so on.

If there is anybody else you need to inform, put that in here as well. If there is somebody who can help you, enlist their help immediately too. With the essential tasks noted down, you can start moving on with them. Human beings are tribal creatures, and so we benefit a lot from sharing the load and from having people around us, specifically people we have bonded with. This is a great time to get in touch with any family or close friends who can help you through your tough time. It doesn’t matter whether this person provides full on help with your task list and beyond, or is just somebody to talk to and perhaps share a hot drink with. With emotions, it’s important to feel and express them. Once you’ve done everything that had to be done, take some time (alone or with friends) to really absorb the importance of what happened. Don’t fight against experiencing the bad emotions, and don’t try to deny the facts of whatever has happened. Instead, just allow whatever feelings come naturally to wash over you. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel the need to hit something, hit a pillow. There are all sorts of ways people use to help them through negative moments, and all of them are acceptable. Do what works for you! Another thing to remember is that you won’t just experience a strong emotion once. When something negative and really big happens, it’s normal for you to experience bad feelings from it repeatedly. When a family member passes away, nobody expects people to “just get over it.” When something really bad happens, the acceptance and experiencing of emotion can’t just be a one-off occurrence. Until we get to the stage of accepting something, we have to

repeatedly experience and explore the feelings it gives us. Strong reactions are more common as first reactions—this is where the crying, shouting, and wanting to hit things often occur. It’s where people can be devastated, possibly needing time off work and other life duties. For people who stick with it and keep experiencing these feelings, they’ll find that the emotions become less dominant and less powerful. This is why it’s good to cry or be upset, because it’s these actions that are literally processing the emotion. As we go through this procedure, other ways to express our emotions open up as well. Some of these are most helpful when we are just trying to experience the feelings, because they give us a little “feel good boost” to balance the negatives. Others help us to understand or make sense of the feelings themselves. Some might even just give us the break or breathing room that we need to deal with what we’re feeling at the moment. Here is a list of some popular techniques to help with processing emotions, although it isn’t complete by any means. Remember, literally anything that works for you is a good technique to use. It isn’t about sticking to specific methods, it’s about using what works best for you. Exercising, whether it’s at a slow pace or an intense one. Exercise releases feel-good hormones Using a therapist or counsellor to discuss the situation Having some social time to surround yourself with supportive people and creating a safe environment

Crying can release some negative emotion and releases endorphins, which make you feel better Taking a long shower or bath Listening to, singing along with, or even making music Getting creative with your preferred choice of art Talking your feelings out with a friend Going for a long walk or drive Meditating, yoga, or some other form of active relaxation Taking part in a hobby of some sort Screaming or shouting (could require a special place or facility. Tip: you can drive somewhere secluded and scream your head off without any consequences) Taking part in a sport that you enjoy Using a support group Hitting something (such as a pillow or punch bag, NOT another person) Eating foods that you enjoy Getting out in nature, which has been shown to boost immune systems and mood Visiting a different city/country for a short break, or even just taking a relaxation break in the countryside Taking some quiet time to reflect on how you feel and the thoughts you’re experiencing

Moving through any of these methods should begin to help you feel better. I recommend that you try a few and stick to whichever ones work best for you, while dropping any that don’t have positive effects. Whenever you drop one that doesn’t work, try something new to replace it. Your best bet is to attack the negative emotions on multiple fronts. Think of it as medical treatment—to get better as soon as possible, you want to take part in as much treatment as possible. As you begin to come to terms with what happened, don’t stop going through your choice of processing techniques. When you’re overwhelmed with negative emotions, these techniques should be one of your main focuses. Whenever you can get some spare time, it’s good to try some out. Once the emotions aren’t so intense, you’re free to scale back how much time you put into emotional processing. Just remember to always keep a baseline where you use a couple of these techniques from time to time. It’s pretty easy to keep up with a little exercise, therapy, or meditation, while talking to friends, hot baths, and listening to music are even easier still. There’s really no reason why you can’t make use of a few of these methods with regularity. Assessing the Facts and Your Emotional Response The techniques in the previous section can be used as intensely as needed when a bad event happens. In big events, you’re likely to need some time purely to accept what happened and express your grief. Over time, and with the right choices on your part, you will need less and less time engaging in those techniques. As soon as possible, you should also look at the facts of the situation and what

(if anything) you can do about it. Likewise, look at the positives that are somehow attached to this bad event. If it’s too difficult to do either of these in the early stages, that’s fine. The transition when you start needing to use processing techniques less often can also be a good time to assess the situation, separating the facts and emotions. Every event that happens in life can be distilled right down to the facts of the situation. With the passing of a loved one, the fact would be that a human being has reached the end of their life. The emotional reaction is a result of your emotional attachment to that human being. From common sense, we already know that everything that has life will one day die. It’s never a case of special suffering for your life, or the universe planning to get you. It’s just part of the cycle that life goes through. This attachment itself comes because you have already experienced positive emotion related to the situation. To care that a relationship has ended, you would have had to enjoy the relationship itself at some time. Even in the military, losing a fellow soldier hurts because of the strong, positive bond and experiences you would have had with that person. A failing business would first need to exist, by having some kind of success, before it could begin to fail. This rule applies to every area of life and is easily overlooked. By remembering it, you can consciously try to remember the good times. This is a positive way of dealing with loss hardship and can help to lift your mood and your outlook on life. It’s most relevant to the biggest events in your life and applies less to smaller ones. Losing a

job doesn’t often have the same intense positive emotions attached to it. In this type of situation, it’s all about how we’re looking at it. For one, losing a job is distressing because it means a loss of security. On the other hand, this could be the opening and opportunity for you to get something even better in life. You’re also more experienced when leaving than you were going in to the job. Remember, these are two separate parts—to look at the facts and to focus on the positives. It’s possible to combine the two and do both together, which some people prefer. Others like to keep it separate. All of this is your choice, so try both if you like, and stick with whichever you prefer. A little add-on, when I mentioned looking at the facts, I was thinking about what you can do about the situation. There’s always something you can do to make yourself feel a bit better, but that isn’t my real focus here. What I’m actually referring to is the situations where you can change or do something, so the same problem doesn’t happen again. Let me tell you about a housemate I had back when I first finished college. It was an exciting time in my life, yet it also brought a lot of nerves and anxiety with it. Of course, now I know that this is expected, because those two things so often go hand in hand— excitement and anxiety. In these days, there were three of us living together in kind of a small apartment. It wasn’t tiny but it was definitely compact. The trade-off was that the rent was lower than what any of us would pay elsewhere in the city, and by having just a bedroom each plus sharing the common areas, we brought our individual cost way down

on what we would pay renting individually. One of my housemates was a couple of years older than me. He had been taught well both academically and in terms of life skills and was a balanced person who caused no issues in our time living together. The other housemate though, oh boy … Let me start out by saying he was almost a good fifteen years my senior. At first glance, he seemed to be really down on his luck and stuck in bad circumstances because of this. He had experienced some bad luck in a number of jobs, making it difficult to have a good career. His last two relationships had both ended messily, and his own family members were very argumentative and a cause of big stress in his life. To top it all off, this guy seemed to have regular disagreements with his manager at work, would often be at odds with his own friends over one trivial issue or another, and also suffered from bad financial planning. Over time, this began to affect us all, as he was sometimes short for the rent or couldn’t afford his share of the bills. This wasn’t mine or my other roommate’s fault, but we still had to come up with the full amount of rent/bill money if we didn’t want to suffer any negative consequences. Being the newer person in the house, I was more willing to help him out, because I hadn’t yet realized that this person was just a magnet for misfortune—or so he felt. Eventually I realized that my new roommate was in debt to me every month, as he always owed me some small piece of the rent or a bill. There were other times when he’d borrow small amounts for food, to cover transport for work, or for a date when he had “finally met a nice girl.” Over time, this became irritating. One day I discussed it with our

other roommate. He was amazed that I still couldn’t quite see what I’d been dealing with. He told me that this was a person who was always putting himself into bad situations, then being surprised when he got burned as a result. He spent everything he had, so there was nothing left when something went wrong. He didn’t take work seriously, then was surprised when there was backlash from his boss or co-workers. He would eagerly date the first woman he could get to accept, without any consideration of what he wanted in a relationship or whether the other person was even a match with him. I was told that as long as I allowed this to continue, I’d be carrying him forever in one way or another—and none of it was going to have the difference I hoped. None of it was going to be the turning point for him to start living a better, happier life. None of it was going to be the break he needed, the start of some “good luck” and good events in his story. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how true this was. The “bad luck roommate” was a person who regularly made bad decisions. He was setting himself up to be hurt or to fail regularly. He hated work because he was treated without the care he felt he deserved—yet he didn’t care for the job, and he changed between jobs almost every few months. Just the job changing would make his resume look like a “job hopper” or mercenary minded worker—one who would be there for a while, then move on, so why would anybody invest time and energy into him? Why would he get opportunities at work when his bosses felt quite certain he wasn’t even going to be there six months later? The same was true of his family members. They were having to deal

with the same issues and same problems from him, over and over again. In that situation, it’s understandable why they were a little pushy and argumentative. They were trying to get him to see what they did and to change his ways, but he was blind to his own mistakes because he never really assessed his own choices, his own actions, and the results they had brought him. “To improve is to change, to be perfect is to change often.” –Winston Churchill “Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change.” –Confucius These two quotes highlight the need to change in life. Churchill’s quote mentions that being perfect is changing often. The idea here is that the happiest and most successful people are those who change the most. Humans are dominant on this earth because of our ability to adapt and the intelligence we can apply to that adaptation. It makes sense—humans thrive in deserts, rainforests, on mountains and tropical islands alike. There is no environment or situation we can’t adapt to, and the better we adapt, the more successful we are. So of course, it makes sense that those who can adapt and change the quickest are going to get ahead of the rest quite soon. The second quote refers to the pursuit of perfection and happiness. To make ourselves and our lives better, we should always be changing and improving. Only the wisest (those who are already perfect, not that I’ve ever heard of a person that is) and the stupidest (those who believe they’re already perfect, despite proof otherwise) will stop changing or seeking change. Going back to my former roommate, it’s easy to see that if he had made better decisions, he might have avoided some of the negative

emotions he regularly experienced. If he had exercised some financial planning, he wouldn’t have run out of money and needed to borrow some all the time. If he had been more selective with the women he dated, he could’ve avoided some of the crazy outcomes that came his way. If he had decided on a career that he actually wanted and had focused on working hard at his job, then he would have improved his chances of being treated better and getting ahead at work. I’ve seen a lot of people live sad and unhappy lives purely because they refuse to make any changes in response to the negative emotions they feel. Some have terrible relationships but refuse to leave, even though they spend the majority of their time in negative emotional states, all because of the relationship they so desperately cling to. Some people act the same way over their jobs—people will tolerate terrible treatment and extremely negative emotional effects, all just to keep the security their jobs provide. For some people, the job might not even be essential. The most basic human needs are food, water, clothing, and accommodation. Those are the four points you need to cover in order to survive. If you can do that without your job, then the job isn’t essential. Your aim should be a happy and productive life overall. An unhappy work environment doesn’t get you closer to that life, it takes you further away. If your work environment is unpleasant, please make a job (or career) switch a top priority. If you’re fortunate enough to have the resources to leave a job altogether while looking for a new one, it could be a good idea to do just that. Your mental and

emotional health are worth far more than a few paychecks. Remember that your emotional system is a feedback system. If your job is making you feel bad, it’s because your system is telling you that it isn’t comfortable. This situation won’t be compatible over the long term. You need to get away from the situation if you want to live a happy, healthy, and productive life. If the writing is on the wall for your job, or for people/situations in your life, then you have to make the assessment and decide. You have to create a plan to move away from the problem or to limit your exposure. Make that plan and stick to it above all else. Location and career changes are entirely possible, as are changes in living circumstances. Letting relationships go can be a tough one for many people, but if you believe it’s necessary, then you have to pull the trigger and go through with it. What’s most important in life is that you keep yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy. Following that trinity, everything else should fall into place. The Personal Story When I was a young boy, I picked up a lot of early knowledge from my grandfather. Around the age of five or six, I remember going out to play down the street with some other local kids. I was racing with a few of them, mostly older than me, and failing to win. I came second or third a few times, but just couldn’t get that finish. When I went back into the house, my grandfather asked what I’d been doing. He asked if I’d been winning the races, and I told him I hadn’t because I wasn’t as fast as the other kids. He laughed and told me if I really wanted to, I could be faster than all of them. I told him I couldn’t, because I tried. His answer was that

nothing happens immediately, but the things we truly want in life, we can find a way to reach. He compared it to the old movies we used to watch, all great underdog tales. You know the type of story, as does anybody who has read a book or watched a movie. The plucky underdog overcomes the odds, overcomes all of the difficulties, and makes their dream come true. Along the way, they might have to overcome adversity and setbacks, but in the end they always triumph. My grandfather told me that your life is your very own personal movie, your own personal story. It’s something that always stuck with me because this simple belief can give you so much power over your life and your emotions. I understood it then only on a basic level— that if you tried hard enough and didn’t give up, you could achieve anything. Later on, I began to understand the emotional impact of this theory. If you look at those famous underdog stories, you will almost always find that the protagonist is a person who succeeds because he or she is the underdog, not in spite of it. The extra troubles that the underdogs go through are what strengthens them and lets them move on to victory. The failures and setbacks are all part of what toughens them up for the win. Without them, they wouldn’t be as driven or as tough. You can choose to look at your life in a similar way. The bad events in your life are sure to sting, as they do for all of us. It doesn’t have to mean that you quit and stop trying. If you want to succeed in life, the negative events can be part of your fuel to get there. In tough times, you can fall back on the knowledge that you have already survived

tough times in the past. Everything passes, and this time will be no different. Even for those with less experience, it’s easy enough to see that everything passes. Logically it has to. Time can’t stand still, so you know that you’ll start to feel at least a little bit better eventually. “He can, who thinks he can, and he can’t, who thinks he can’t. This is an inexorable, indisputable law.” –Pablo Picasso All it really takes in life to drive on through bad events and find happiness anyway is to believe that it’s possible. It doesn’t have to be possible now, or tomorrow, but it has to be possible eventually. It’s a reason to keep going, to find the strength that lets you push on for a little further. As long as you don’t ever accept defeat or stop, you will eventually reach the destination that you’re aiming for—whether it’s emotional, financial, or otherwise. These bad events all add to your personal story, and there’s no reason that your life shouldn’t be the greatest story you ever experience. In fact, that would be a great aim for many people. Whatever happens, don’t allow your story to be boring or a tale of defeat and regret. If life does knock you down, stand back up. You only have to stand up one more time than you are knocked down to win. Life has to keep on knocking you down to win, and over a long timescale, that’s impossible to do. I already touched on bad events as fuel, and that’s another thing to keep in mind with your personal story. A lot of bad emotions can be used as an extremely powerful motivator to push you ahead in other areas of your life. The single parent stuck in cramped quarters can use that emotional distress to succeed in another part of life and

move their family into better quarters. The athlete who loses a loved one can channel that to help them push through tiredness when it matters and succeed. A loving parent can use their own pains to drive their change and be as much of a positive force as possible. There are plenty of stories of great people who were driven to greatness by pain. One of my favorite stories is that of former NFL linebacker Ray Lewis. Here was a man with an absentee father, and who regularly witnessed his mother being the victim of domestic violence. The bad emotions from these circumstances drove him to train hard, to study his game, and to perfect his craft. He used it as fuel to smash high school records before going on to a hall of fame career. Today he is considered one of the greatest to have ever played the game. As a motivational speaker, he has often spoken of recycling your pain. For him, satisfaction in life doesn’t come from avoiding pain, it comes from confronting and overcoming it. Other famous names like 50 Cent, Mike Tyson, Howard Schultz, and Oprah Winfrey are just a few more people who had difficult beginnings in life. All four of them survived by having a positive outlook on where they could go from those tough beginnings, and they all used their pain as fuel to propel them. To successfully use your bad emotions as fuel, you need to focus on a goal that changes your circumstances. The goal has to bring you a happier life, one with a better emotional state, or lower your risk of experiencing bad emotions. This is what the people mentioned above did so well. They achieved financial success because it was an important tool for them to avoid future pain. For this reason, it’s obvious that smaller bad events are tougher to be motivated by. With

that said, it’s not impossible to do. What matters most is how your current situation makes you feel and what it will take to change that situation. Years ago at a business conference, I ended up going for a couple of drinks with a successful businessman. This guy was around 40 years old and successful in pretty much all areas of life. You know the type, happily married with a great family, financially stable, sporty on the weekends, the works. He had started out as a software engineer but quickly transitioned to the self-employed life. Having made a success of his first business, he sold up and went full entrepreneur mode. He’s now worth close to nine figures and is still going strong. This guy dropped a lot of pearls of wisdom on me, but one in particular really stayed with me. It was about an old salesman who’s on the road driving across the country when he needs to stop and refuel. He goes in to pay and notices an old dog laying on the floor. The dog lets out a low, slow whine, making the man think he trod on a paw or something. He realizes he didn’t, and goes ahead and pays, just as the dog whines again. “Hey, what’s up with the dog?” he asks. The attendant tells him that the dog always lies on the same spot in the floor, even though the edge of a nail sticks out right at that point and pokes into him. The salesman asked why the dog doesn’t just get up and move. “Well, I guess it just doesn’t hurt badly enough,” says the attendant. My point here is that it’s up to you what is or isn’t acceptable in your life, and if you consider something unacceptable, you can use it as a catalyst for change. The reasons why you do something that you do

are important. Having strong motivations of this type can also help you to overlook other bad emotions, especially smaller ones. Knowing that you have an important goal in mind can give perspective and can allow you to accept bad emotions more easily, because they don’t matter to you as much as achieving your goals does. Sometimes people will talk about bad events toughening somebody up, and this is what that saying applies to. We are all sure to experience some terrible events and emotions in our lives, but if we keep our personal story in mind and just continue to endure, the emotions will lose their power over us. The processing methods in Chapter Five are designed to get you through those times as quickly and as effectively as possible. Once the worst is over, we can view overcoming the bad times as a triumph over adversity. It really does toughen you up, because anything bad in the future, as long as it has less importance than the recent big event, will be easier to absorb and deal with. This is one of the foundations of how and why some people (like the aforementioned Oprah and Tyson) are so emotionally tough and stable.

Chapter 6: Building Mental and Emotional Strength

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motional strength is not about not reacting or withholding your emotions. It’s about being able to accept your emotions without falling apart, and then processing those emotions in a healthy way. Most people are easily derailed by negative events even if they don’t seem to outwardly react to them. The bad emotions build up over time and repressing them takes energy. This takes away from your focus, your energy, and your overall outlook on life. By processing them and becoming emotionally healthy, you give yourself the best shot at having a happy, productive life. I’ve included mental strength here as well because there is some overlap. To be emotionally strong, there are times when you need to be mentally strong. With extreme events, your emotions are going to be very powerful. During these times it can be important to have the right reaction while also accepting your emotional state as it is. Let’s start off by taking a look at the emotional states that are most common in your life. From there we can begin work on altering these states and creating positive, productive states as the new baseline in your life.

Emotional States Your emotional state is like a general outlook of where you are emotionally. Imagine it as the default state you start a regular day in. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what it is because tiredness or having to wake up at an allocated time can have an impact. We are aiming for a positive state, rather than a negative or even neutral one. To figure out what your usual emotional state is, here are a couple of questions to ask yourself: If you were to gauge your mood during a neutral time of the day, when you are doing nothing, what would it usually be? What kind of emotions do you tend to express a lot in your day-to-day life? Remember you must be honest with yourself here, it’s okay if there are negatives. When having alone time, such as in the shower/bath, or relaxing, are there any emotions present? Anxiety or sadness can often creep in at these times, so it’s good to be aware of them. During social interactions, what types of words do you use? This is a tough one because you need an accurate memory, but it can reveal tendencies on how you handle things. For example, some people express negatives with very powerful words, which makes them feel like they have more impact. They may use “obese” instead of “overweight” or “I hate it/them” instead of “I don’t like it/them.” Do you focus on the negatives of a situation more than the positives? The risks instead of the rewards?

Are there emotions that you feel a random need to express, or any kind of outburst (however small)? If you were to look back on your life recently, which type of emotion/mood do you feel the majority of the time? Repressing emotions or failing to deal with them healthily is the most common cause of a negative emotional state. Negative emotional states are incredibly damaging to people. They release cortisol (which we’ve covered) and create a naturally heightened state. Being in this state can cause a lot of problems. First of all, you’re more vulnerable to experiencing negative emotions and to having more intense negative feelings when a bad event occurs in your life. Even neutral events might be reacted to in a negative way in a bad emotional state. Positive events also begin to have less power and positive emotions are felt less intensely. Obviously, this feeds into creating an even more negative state, so it can become a downward spiral if you let this continue for long enough. Having a negative outlook seeps through via things like your body posture, language (this is why the word observation works), and energy levels. Negativity isn’t generally appealing, so a negative emotional state can affect all parts of your life. Your social life might become worse, which is another thing that can speed up the downward spiral. Mental effects include a lack of focus and motivation, and lower mental energy. This has carry-over effects, which can mean hits to your levels of discipline and your overall mental ability (ability to think

well or think quickly), and again cycles back with more negative emotions too. Sleep quality could be lowered, and you might end up more tired than before. Certainly in a negative emotional state, you can’t work mentally to 100 percent of your potential. Physically, along with the tiredness, you might have a slight slowdown in reactions, lowered physical energy, and a weakened immune system. Stress levels build up in these situations and depression is a possibility too. I can’t tell you how important it is to avoid stress. It’s one of the leading causes for death in the modern world, with damage to the immune system increasing the risk of terminal diseases such as cancer and heart disease. Again, these physical symptoms are also likely to cause negative emotions, which just push a person further into negativity. If you find that you are in an overall negative emotional state, as many people are, then your focus has to be on shifting to a positive emotional state. Even from a neutral state, you have to strive to become positive. This is the best base for being emotionally strong because being in this state also has effects, but they’re good ones. A positive emotional state will bring you more natural energy and better motivation, and it will allow you to fully use your mind and body to their true potential. It will boost your immune system and allow you to deal with negative events better. There are a couple of other things that can be signs of a negative emotional state and that can be altered to create a more positive state. To do this we’re going to focus on what we have already learned about the link between physical and emotional states. We’re also going to look at altering the mental methods we use to deal with

life and how we express ourselves. These areas form part of our base for creating a positive emotional state in our daily lives. Creating a Positive Emotional State Your default emotional state has a big impact on everything else in your life. It’s vital that this state becomes a positive one as soon as possible. The biggest part of that is just living a life that you actually enjoy, or one where you at least have something to look forward t0. When you think of your life right now, do you have something to look forward to? Is there anything that lights your heart up and makes you feel a little happier? Lots of people push productivity and discipline as reasons to create lists and goals in your life. Goal setting is a great idea even just to direct yourself towards a happier life as well. Spend some time reflecting on yourself and what makes you happy. Many people are happy to try things out as children and often have great experiences with a variety of activities. Try to think back and see if you can remember any that you really enjoyed. Maybe it was a sport or playing an instrument. If not, ask yourself if there is anything you have always wanted to try. There are few people in the world who get around to trying everything they would like, but we should all aim to be joining this group. A friend of mine used to really like formula one racing as a youngster. He was a huge fan growing up, always keeping up with the latest happenings. In his late twenties, he began to feel the strain of being in the corporate world for a long time, so I asked him to think of something that lit his heart up. His answer was racing. From there, we found that there are some local go karting championships

and a track in our local area. He tried it out first, just in case for some weird reason it wasn’t enjoyable for him. Of course, he loved the experience and now regularly races karts a couple of Sundays each month. This is a real source of happiness for him, and it has helped him immensely. The rediscovery of his passion for racing was invigorating for my friend. It led to him taking up another hobby (climbing) later on, enriching his life even more. He now feels happier and lives a more balanced life, because he has turned something he enjoys into a regular fixture in his life. You really need to take some time and think of some hobbies like this, something that would make you happy, then figure out a way to incorporate it into your life. Don’t charge in to anything headfirst and expect to love it! My friend was a lifelong race fan and still took just one session at a time to try it out. You should do the same with whatever you choose, taking it slowly and seeing how it goes. If it isn’t enjoyable, switch to something else. If there’s something you already know you enjoy (from past experience), then that would be the one exception to the “not doing too much” rule. Having a regular hobby or activity in your life that you enjoy is important. What’s also important is to have a bigger goal. You can even attach this to goals of productivity if you choose, but be cautious—you can’t deprive yourself of happiness for too long, even if you are missing productivity goals. In fact, if you’re unable to enjoy your life because this is happening, then you actually need to assess your productivity goals and move them to be more in line with a happy life.

A happy life is a productive life. Going hard is fine in short periods, and to help shape the lives we want, but to deprive yourself of happiness is to risk burnout. Burned out individuals don’t get anywhere, they sink. It goes back to how everything in the universe is either growing or shrinking/dying. If you hit burnout, you’re going to begin shrinking and regressing. Keeping yourself happy is one of the main keys for long-term success. Using long-term goals and hobbies to boost your happiness is a great start, and these form the main part of our approach to a positive mental state. It’s important to take advantage of smaller areas in your life and use those to your advantage as well. Hobbies are perhaps the best tool for building happiness into your daily life. Even finding one enjoyable hobby will greatly improve your overall happiness. Long-term goals are a little different. These goals should be something that take you to the next step of your life plan, getting you closer to your “ideal lifestyle.” An “ideal lifestyle” is how you would live if you didn’t need to work, and if time and resources weren’t an issue. Having a long-term plan is important because human beings desire a sense of accomplishment. This is why unemployed people sometimes fall into depression—a lack of direction combined with feeling like they aren’t achieving anything causes people to spiral into negative thoughts and emotions. Whenever you have any control over your environment or surroundings, use it to make them more positive for yourself. If you have your own place, create a happy and serene aura for yourself. Use whatever you enjoy—decorate the place in a way that you enjoy

so you feel happy to be there. Use music or sounds to create a pleasant environment too. Calming soundtracks are especially useful because they help in processing the stresses of the day. Aromas are another useful tool in creating pleasurable surroundings for yourself, but we’ll go into your surroundings more deeply in the following chapter, so I’ll leave it here for now. I do have a couple of last tidbits towards creating a happier mental state. The first is to keep a gratitude journal. This can be as simple or as in depth as you like. All you need to do is jot down a quick sentence on something from your day that made you happy or that you feel grateful for. If you like, you can expand this a little. I would suggest that you actually try to jot down at least three to five things from each day. Think really hard; it doesn’t matter how small they are. Even on a tough day, most of us can be grateful that we have a comfortable bed to come home to, food in our bellies, and access to clean water. This is three things already. Working from there, you can come up with better ones, trying to capture the best points of each of your days. This makes you a lot more conscious of the good parts within your life and helps to keep you more level headed. By realizing how much we already have to be grateful for, we naturally become happier. The second tip I have for you comes from a man I greatly admire: David Goggins. This man has one of the most incredible life stories I have ever seen. As a black child, he grew up in a predominantly white area and experienced horrible racism. In his biography, he talks about being in the same class as the son of a KKK leader and how he was targeted for his race both in and out of school. His car

was spray painted, he received death threats almost daily, and he was made to feel like less than nothing almost every day of his young existence. Despite those beginnings, David Goggins went on to do things that many people thought impossible. He didn’t even accomplish them right out of school, a time when he felt extremely low and depressed. Instead, his life continued to follow an unpleasant path, as he cycled through a number of low paying jobs. His weight ballooned upwards of 300 pounds as he continued to search for happiness. For him, the answer came one night in a documentary about the U.S. Navy SEALS, one of the top units within the U.S. military. He saw what these people were going through during their selection process and how hard they had to work, along with how determined they were to make it. Taking heart in this, David turned his life around. He immediately began training to lose the excess weight and applied to become a Navy SEAL. It took him only a few months to drop around 100 pounds, an extraordinary feat for any human. Not only did he succeed in his dream of becoming a special forces soldier, but at one point he was also the only person in the entire American military who had passed qualification as a ranger, a paratrooper, and as a SEAL. Even from here, he didn’t stop pushing. He later became an ultra-endurance athlete, running some of the longest and most difficult races in existence, all to raise funds for the families of deceased colleagues. Along the way, he also set the world record for most pullups in 24 hours before becoming a motivational speaker as well.

All of this was accomplished despite David having sickle cell trait and suffering from both asthma and a congenital heart defect. His weight also varied by massive amounts at different stages of his life, having been obese, slim, a powerlifter, and finally an endurance athlete. Through all of it, Goggins kept something that he calls his “cookie jar.” To do this, you can use any container, though Goggins’ calls his the cookie jar because it’s literally an empty cookie jar. What you do next is you note down everything you have overcome in life, every challenge or every painful experience. You also note down every achievement you have accomplished, everything that you have to feel proud of in life. The bigger these things are, the better, but it matters more that you have a decent number of things to make you feel good about yourself. As each one is written down, fold it up and throw it in your jar/container. When you reach new goals in life, be sure to write those down and throw them in as well. The point of this jar is to give yourself an instant morale boost anytime you are feeling low or overwhelmed. Whenever you’re feeling negative or are struggling to get going, you can shake the jar up, open it, and grab a piece of paper. Read it, and remember who you are and how far you have already come in life. If reading one doesn’t do it, grab a second piece, and a third, or however many you need. The idea is to relive those triumphs internally, even if it’s just briefly. These memories, and the knowledge of things you have already accomplished or overcome, can be a great way to help keep your mind and emotions straight. My cookie jar is full of academic and sporting accomplishments, but I

also put things in there that others may overlook. I struggled with a couple of subjects in high school for example, so achieving high grades in those subjects at the end of school was a real point of pride for me. It wasn’t that the grade itself was extraordinarily high, it was that these grades were far above what I had expected just a couple of years prior. To me, they’re a sign that anything is possible because I exceeded my own expectations. What would your jar hold? Instead of just thinking about it, start noting it all down and get to work on your own cookie jar today. In dark times, it can be a real blessing to remember how much we can achieve. To finish off this section, I’d also like to briefly touch on the law of attraction, something you may have already heard of. The law of attraction is a belief that your current states of mind, mood, and thoughts have an effect on how your life unfolds. If you are allowing negative thoughts and moods to run rampant in your life, they’re likely to attract negative events and experiences. On the flipside, a positive attitude and belief can bring positive events into your life. My purpose here isn’t to discuss how “real” the law of attraction is, but to show you how, even for a skeptic, parts of this belief can be useful. Living a happier and more positive life isn’t going to magically increase the amount of cash in your bank account or how much business you can generate. What it will do is make you a more appealing person to those around you. Take a look at celebrities and politicians around the world and you’ll see that the vast majority are

usually overwhelmingly positive when they interact with the world. Positive language, strong body language, and lots of smiling are all things you would see in these people. When you imagine the same people behaving in a negative, unconfident, or hesitant manner, then you can also imagine how this would affect their lives. They wouldn’t seem sure of themselves, so why would anybody else have faith in them and hire or vote for them? In the case of celebrities and athletes, how much of a following do you think they would have if they had a negative or defeatist attitude? Not much, which means less endorsements, less “fans,” and in the end, less patience from their teams or less tolerance of poor performances. Subconsciously, we tend to like being around positive people. It’s comforting, and it makes us feel better because emotions can be contagious. This last point about contagious emotions is also another reason that positive thoughts and energy can help to create a better life. It’s almost like the saying “fake it until you make it.” By doing your best to keep your body language and general mentality positive, you will genuinely start to feel better than you ordinarily do. If you’ve ever come across an extremely negative person, you’ll know how draining they can be. Some people will outright avoid negative people, even if they are family members. By being positive, you make it so that people want to spend time with you. They want to be around you and work with you, so your social life and business life can both improve. Your confidence and selfbelief will shine through and can help you to get more opportunities in life, which is part of a positive cycle that should see you living a

happier and more productive life than ever before. Maintaining Your Emotional State When anybody takes a big step to change or better their life, they also have to consider how that change should be maintained. With a positive mental state, you have to create the state, then monitor and maintain it. After creation, monitoring is the next step. To do this, all you need is to schedule a time. Once or twice a week is enough for most people. I have chosen a time at the weekends and at the start of the day so it isn’t affected too much by recent events in my life. All I have to do at this time is find somewhere alone, take my notepad and pen, and quickly jot down what my general outlook and “default” mood has been recently. This process can be as quick or as long as you choose to make it. Personally, I like it to be a little more in depth. In fact, I use this time to do what I call an “emotional audit.” I figure out my recent emotional state but I also make notes on how my life has been going lately, any emotions that I have been feeling more (or less) than usual, and any major emotional events in my life. With the emotional events, I look at a number of things including what triggered the event (where I was, what happened, who I was with), if there were any pre-existing emotions in play at the time (from something else that happened), and how I reacted to the situation. I go through the emotions I felt and how I actually behaved. With actions/behaviors, it isn’t important to note why you acted in a particular way. In fact, it’s better to remove the emotion entirely and note only the actions. You can expand on it later by going into your

thought process at the time (if you wish), but the most important thing is noting down what actually happened and how. With the details noted down in front of you, it’s easier to see whether the responses you are choosing for emotional situations are appropriate or not. If they are, you know that you’re doing a good job and you can continue along the same lines. If they aren’t, you can adjust and create a plan with some better ways of dealing with emotions. Knowing where you are going wrong is always the first step to fixing things and making the right choices. Since you are already looking at your general emotional state, it should be clear to you if there are any problems in how you process emotions. If emotions are lingering way longer than they should, or you’re struggling to get through issues over the long-term, then you may need to try and find a new way to process your emotions. We’ve covered a number of methods already in this book that could be helpful, but for those who are truly feeling stuck, therapy and/or support groups are recommended as being amongst the most effective methods. In some areas, therapy is considered a supported treatment for depression and other mental health issues, so a lot of people are eligible for prescribed therapy. Depending on your location, this could even be free for you to access. Such a powerful tool (the majority of participants find therapy helpful) can be extremely useful, and if you can access it for free, you should consider trying it. Group therapy works in a different way to regular therapy. In regular sessions, you’re relying on the expertise and skill of a therapist to aid and direct you, with the sessions being private so that the focus can

be entirely on you. In group settings this changes, and the focus will be split around. Some people prefer this method because it removes any pressure they might feel, and they can participate as little or as much as they feel like doing on that day. The added factor of hearing about other people’s emotions and struggles is also helpful because it shows people that they aren’t alone in the things they go through, and can even give people new perspectives on some issues. Hearing people open up about their problems can also encourage quieter group members to do the same, especially those who feel some kind of stigma about the problem in the first place. These two forms of therapy are very useful in processing emotions, but if you’ve found another way that works for you (or one of the methods from earlier), then stick with it. The important thing is that you’re maintaining a positive emotional state. Keep in mind that even for the best of us, our emotional state can begin to slip. This is why people like to take a vacation from work every now and then, or to get away somewhere on a holiday—both are great ways to refresh your emotional state. If you don’t take breaks, then it’s expected that time will slowly begin to wear away at your emotional state, and you’ll become a little less happy than before. When doing your emotional audits, if you find that your emotional state is slipping, then it could be a good time to schedule a break— even a spa day or just a day off can be very helpful here. You just have to be sure that your emotional state has only slipped due to needing a break. As with any new skill, practicing a healthier emotional lifestyle might not stick the first time, and you might need

to work at it. If it’s the case that your thought process and your way of perceiving emotions is becoming more negative, then this is where you would spot it and begin to address the issue. “He who smiles rather than rages is always the stronger.” –Japanese proverb “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” –Buddha Remember that true strength comes from emotional mastery, and emotional mastery means accepting and processing emotions, not denying or trying to control them. If you find that you are holding on to emotions, are not processing them properly, or are sliding into a negative outlook on life, then address and attack the problem immediately. Using Negative Emotions The first instinct with bad emotions is to avoid them because they make us feel terrible. At this point, you should know that this is counter-productive and that we have to embrace them. We’ve talked about how they can be drivers for bettering yourself, which is why discomfort and disadvantage has created so many of the biggest success stories in history. There are a few main ways in which you can use negative emotions constructively. The first is to understand that experiencing bad emotions strengthens your ability to endure future bad situations or emotions. Each time you work through a negative emotion, you lessen the blow of future emotions because you know internally (and have proven) that you can survive bad emotions in the past.

With experience processing bad emotions, you are able to anticipate how you might feel if something does go wrong, which can be helpful for making business or life choices and other big decisions. Having been through failures before works in a similar way; it allows you to make informed decisions on how much risk you will take on in the future. The first time any of us loses a friend or loved one, it’s usually a devastating event. The second time it happens we’re usually a little more prepared because there isn’t the immediate shock factor anymore. You’ll be better able to act rationally and get through the situation, which again strengthens your coping mechanisms and your ability to get through tough situations. The more you practice your ability to accept and process emotions, the more effective it will become. Bad experiences are also a great driving force for people to change their lives. Remembering the worst parts of our lives, and even reliving bad emotions, can both be very useful when you need that extra push to get something finished or when your discipline is sliding. Remembering the things you have been through or your reasons for wanting to do something can be amongst the most powerful fuels known in personal development. In these types of situations, it’s possible to relive the emotions partially. At times, it’s as easy as thinking about how you felt, remembering those emotions you’ve already experienced. Other times you may need to go deeper and have a quiet moment so that you can visualize what you’ve already been through. Like the earlier NLP techniques, focusing deeply and on small details can bring a

vivid picture to mind, which is great for releasing emotional feelings. Be careful with this of course. Don’t push yourself into a situation that you’re going to find distressing. If you do feel worse than expected, remember that you’re the one in control. Abandon the visualization process and work on regaining a calm state instead. Just experiencing bad emotions can also prompt a person to live a fuller life or to be more conscious of others’ emotions. These are both great things for those who want to better themselves. Wanting to create a better world is also rooted in the experience of bad emotions, yet another plus side to bad experiences. When using negative emotions/experiences as fuel, you have to create a clear goal that relates to those emotions (or that experience). They can also highlight problems in your life that you had overlooked until now. Either way, you now know that you have to act and what emotions you’ll experience if you don’t. This is one of the purest ways in which negative emotions can help you succeed. Life will often give you situations that you didn’t expect or prepare for, good or bad. There’s a lot in this world that we don’t have much control over, but thankfully life isn’t about what happens to us—it’s about how we deal with it. “Great people turn personal tragedy—really anything, everything—to their advantage.” –Ryan Holiday Remember that it’s okay to be unhappy sometimes as well. Being angry, sad, worried—it’s all part of the normal life experience. Accept it. Use your processing techniques and mood boosters to help you cope. Accept help when it’s needed and make use of a social support structure—this is one of the most powerful tools in your

emotional toolkit. Adversity happens, and overcoming it will create a stronger you. It’s something you can keep in mind to increase your self-belief and something you can tap into and use for fuel when needed. Along the way you’re sure to have a slip up at times, again this is normal. Life is a learning experience, don’t be afraid of making mistakes along the way. Like emotions, they’re a feedback system, which helps to create a better self. At this point, you have learned about how to process negative emotions and why it’s important. Knowing that repressing emotions doesn’t work and is harmful is one of the biggest steps towards truly harnessing your emotions. We can’t avoid negatives in life, so we have to learn how to handle them, in both the short and long-term. In Chapter Six, we covered the importance of embracing positive emotions and experiences. Some people have a tendency to replay bad experiences in their minds, which means they will often relive the emotions too. Doing this with positive experiences and emotions is a useful trick to help keep your moods balanced and yourself productive and happy. Make use of your social network and other outlets to help you process emotions. We are still very much hardcoded to live as a tribal species. Having a healthy social network benefits us in lots of different ways, not just by being an emotional outlet. Social interactions lower our cortisol levels and promote a healthy base state within our systems, which is what we should always be aiming for.

Chapter 7: The Impact of Our Surroundings and Environment

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ll of the living things on our planet require their own environment and living conditions if they are to thrive. Removing a plant or animal from its preferred surroundings and placing them somewhere else, we will often see that plant/animal suffer in distress before dying completely. As humans, we aren’t quite so sensitive to our surroundings—in fact we’ve found ways to harness the elements for ourselves, plus to survive and thrive in all kinds of climates and surroundings. However, we are still impacted by our environments, something that many people don’t even think about. To live a healthy and happy life, you need to have the best surroundings possible. This can be the actual things around you (room, décor, etc.), or it can be the people who are around you— both of these things have a massive impact on your natural emotional state and how well you can handle negative emotions. I’m going to cover some mood boosters too, so you can raise your mood when needed When talking about the importance of a positive emotional state, we

touched briefly on your surroundings. Your surroundings can be anything that you are regularly around in life, including both places and people. To start off our deeper look at this area and how you can utilize it to help with emotions, we’ll be starting by looking at your home. Introversion vs. Extroversion The first part of creating pleasant surroundings for yourself is to figure out whether you prefer to be alone or prefer to be around people. Unfortunately, if you are an extrovert, you can’t just go out and choose people to live with. What you can do though is create a lifestyle that is geared to your preferences. Introverted people are those who prefer to recharge and relax by being alone. They may also find being around other people a draining experience. Extroverts are those who prefer to be around others and dislike being alone. It’s worth keeping in mind that being comfortable in your own company (more later) is important for living a happy, healthy life. With that said, extroverts prefer to minimize this time in favor of being around friends, family, or social events. If you’re an introverted person, you need to factor this in to your lifestyle. Don’t overload yourself with too many social functions, don’t run yourself too hard by cutting out alone/quiet time, and don’t feel bad if you need to say no or skip an event at some time. Introverts can have problems with overcommitting in life and with failing to allocate time for solo activities or relaxation. For the introvert, the key is to treat these activities as a priority and schedule them with that intent in mind. Extroverts are the opposite. They love to be kept active, and they

recharge by being around other people. They need to watch that they don’t overcommit at work and are keeping a healthy work/life balance. They need to keep a steady stream of social events/time scheduled so that they regularly see people, which helps keep them emotionally balanced. The introvert/extrovert situation can sometimes be ambiguous because it acts more like a sliding scale than as a “one or the other” situation. While some people clearly belong to one group or the next, other people are harder to figure out, and some don’t even know for sure themselves. Being able to function well in both situations is a great thing, but we are all naturally inclined to one more than the other. It’s important to figure out which way you lean. Our Homes It’s hard to quantify how much actual time we all spend in our homes because there’s a massive amount of variation based on lifestyle. People who have busy work lives and active social lives are home a lot less than those who are raising children or who work from home, but the impact of your home surroundings can’t be underestimated. Sayings like “home sweet home” and “a man’s home is his castle” all try to capture this importance and exactly why it matters so much. Put simply, the vast majority of animals on earth prefer to stick to a “home,” whether it’s some kind of shelter/den or a familiar territory. For these animals, being on their home patch means they are safe and secure. They know the area, there shouldn’t be any surprises, and often they will have used some method to keep visitors out of their private space. By being a private space, by being secure and protected, these home spaces are where these animals can truly let

their guards down and relax. Different species live in different ways with some preferring a solitary lifestyle, while others live with a family or small group. Humans are unique here with either situation considered normal. This is interesting because other creatures tend to live in the situation that describes them best, while humans are quite variable—some are introverted and prefer to be alone more often, while others (extroverts) prefer to be around people more. By knowing whether you lean more towards introversion or extroversion, you can consider how appropriate your living situation is. Being happy at home is extremely important because every person should have a safe place, and one which they can alter to suit their preferences. A lot of the time, this is the hardest thing to impact immediately, so this should be the first consideration you have when you choose a place to stay. Think about who and what you want to be close to. Are you more suited to quiet surroundings, perhaps seeking the enjoyment of nature or quiet walks? Or are you more the type to want hustle and bustle, complete with plenty of activities? Is it more important for you to have entertainment and social options nearby, or do you prefer something else? With a good location or living situation, you’ve covered the most basic and most important part of your surroundings. With bad surroundings, it’s normal for any person to feel worse emotionally, more stressed, and less happy than they might be elsewhere. Sometimes the surroundings themselves are a big contributing factor to emotional state; some people live in abusive or neglectful

situations, or in environments that are completely unsuited to them. I know that it isn’t as easy as just deciding to move for a lot of people, but if you’re serious about your emotional health, you have to make future plans for how and when you will shift your base into being a happy place. If this is something you need to do, then it can also be one of the fueling factors to propel your change. Remember, bad emotions are feedback; they’re there for a reason, so use them to your advantage. While location is important, it isn’t the be all and end all of your environment. It has a big impact on your starting point, but it doesn’t have to be the final destination. Improving your living space can take many shapes and forms. The décor is a big one, along with how you furnish and lay the place out. Certain colors are considered better for boosting happiness, such as greens and yellows, which is why you’ll often see these colors used in public buildings. Natural light and open spaces also help with raising the mood of people inside a building. Human beings naturally enjoy a certain amount of space within a room, so try to keep your place from becoming overly cluttered. Clutter around the house can come in many shapes and forms. Too many decorations or ornaments around the place, letters or books left lying around, even too many fridge magnets can be amongst the problems. The first step to decluttering is to start removing items based on what is used the least, then start moving up from there until you get rid of anything that isn’t needed regularly. Unnecessary decorations (fridge magnets, paintings, ornaments) can just create “noise” in the room rather than having a positive

effect. Consider each piece in your room/home individually and ask yourself if it has a positive effect on you and why. A lot of times people fall into the trap of buying things too impulsively or just because it looked nice in the moment. In the long run, these additions sometimes don’t have any positive effect, which actually means they take away from the simplicity and flow of your surroundings. Keeping a clean space is your next consideration. We’ve just talked about how unnecessary clutter can bring down the overall mood in your home, so why would you want bills/letters, dirty dishes/clothes, or incomplete work lying around your home? Staying on top of chores and being organized about how you store your things are both vital steps for this part. One of my ex-military clients is a real stickler for cleanliness. Anytime I have visited his home or office, the place is entirely immaculate. This didn’t stand out too much at first, because, let’s face it, we all try to keep our “public” spaces as presentable as possible. Over time I’ve gotten to know him a lot better though and have now seen every room in his house. I’ve been in his bedroom in the early morning and everything was immaculate. We’ve trained together in his private gym and again the place was entirely spotless. During one of those training sessions, I noticed that he tends to wipe down equipment as we go. During one of our dinner meetings, I noticed that he often washes up as he cooks as well. Until seeing these things, I’d always believed that it must be a huge time commitment to keep everything around him so clean. What I noticed after these events was that my client turns dead time (time wasted

doing nothing or waiting) into useful time by finding something to do. If the cleaning doesn’t get finished in these spaces, he makes it a priority for afterwards. When I asked him why he works in this way, he said that it’s actually easier and less stressful than letting things build up then trying to schedule a time to do it. This way, any time needed on the schedule is minimal because you stay on top of most things immediately. With your environment, taking that approach is extremely important. Your place will virtually always be clean and tidy without you needing to go out of your way. The lack of extra effort creates a naturally happier person by removing an important part of your usual “to-do” list. With that said, scheduling a regular time each week for the upkeep is a great idea. It allows you to do things like dusting, garden maintenance, and other little odd jobs. A week is long enough to make this a worthwhile task, yet not so long that the need for cleaning will build up to high levels. The aim is to stay active and get things done rather than plan to get things done. Productive people make the most of their time each day, and a big part of that is staying active on the small things. “If you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you’ll never get it done.” –Bruce Lee It’s a great idea to get any tasks taking less than five minutes completed as soon as they come up. A neater, more organized lifestyle has been shown to influence a better general mood in many people. The act of completing even these small tasks causes your brain’s reward circuits to start firing as well, another good thing for your mood. Doing things this way frees your mind to focus on nicer

things than chores as well. Personalizing Your Space Small touches can make a big difference to your environment. The smells, lighting, and temperature, can all be adjusted to create surroundings that make you happier. Remember, we’re focused on creating the happiest and most relaxed mood possible, because this is the best base to be starting from when dealing with emotions. Let’s start off by looking at temperature. It’s impossible to give a specific temperature that people operate best at because it’s influenced by our genetics, lifestyle, and mostly by the environment we already live in. People in Norway and people in Cuba are going to enjoy entirely different environments. Most of us adjust to what we call “room temperature,” which is usually around 72 degrees Fahrenheit but varies by location, obviously. The temperature that you are happiest at might be a little higher or lower than this. Moving the temperature too much in either direction from your ideal will start to have an effect on your mood and happiness. Humans tend to dislike being cold more than they dislike being hot. In fact, with some people, increasing the temperature higher than normal has been shown to increase happiness. Lighting is a very powerful weapon for mood as well. Natural sunlight has the amazing ability to trigger serotonin release. Serotonin is a feel-good hormone, which reduces anxiety while increasing focus and boosting mood. Getting outdoors is the best way to take advantage of this, but it works through windows and skylights too. Having good natural lighting at home is a great advantage to have. For those who aren’t fortunate enough to have plenty of well-placed

windows, artificial lighting is the way to go. There are lamps that aim to imitate the brightness and intensity of natural light. These were created to help people who suffer with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). The lamps are supposed to be at least 2,500 lux in brightness but are often a lot higher. Of course a brighter light is more effective, so if you want to use one, go for the brightest lamp possible. Using these lamps for an hour or two each day has been shown to help people who suffer with SAD and to be an effective part of dealing with depression and low mood. There’s no need to do anything special with these lamps either, just keep it switched on and close to you while you do other things. Lamps like this can also be used at work if your employer has no issue with it. Night time lighting is another consideration for you. Gentler lighting is great for night time because your body switches to creating different hormones at these times. These hormones are important and play a part in the rest and recovery of your systems. Bright lights at night can disrupt your hormonal processes, which affects your quality of sleep and recovery. This all has a knock-on effect to make everything a bit tougher and less pleasant. Obviously that’s the opposite of what we’re trying to do, so stick with gentle lighting. Natural light (such as candles) are better than artificial lights because a lot of artificial lights output a brighter “daytime” wavelength of light. For the areas where artificial lights have to be used, try to get bulbs that are designated as outputting “warm” light, or ones that are marked as red, yellow, or orange. These are bulbs made to imitate evening light and interfere the least with your hormone production.

Touching on the topic of candles also moves us to our next area, which is scent. Smells and aromas have a remarkable ability to alter our moods. Memories are more intense when smells are involved, with some scents having the ability to transport people’s minds back in time instantly. For me, it’s the smell you get when the first spring rain hits after a hot week. The scent that comes out of the ground on those days takes me flashing straight back to my childhood. My friend loves the smell of cut grass for similar reasons; it takes him back to when we would play football in the garden or the park with no real worries or responsibilities in the world. Smells are something you can work with in all areas of your life. Your home can smell however you want it to, even with different touches/scents in different areas/rooms. You should also make sure that you smell as good as possible. This is great for your confidence, which is great for your mood. Besides, actively choosing a scent you love instead of just going with anything is a great treat for yourself, one that stays with you all day, a constant reminder that you deserve happiness. Personally, I use a small variety of scents for different situations. I have my regular daily scent, which is still very nice, and other specialty ones. One is a more formal, evening scent. Another is more citrusy and fruitier, so I like to use it on active or outdoor days. Remember, when it comes to trying perfumes or aftershaves, the smell changes over time. It will also be different for each person because the scent reacts with your unique body oils to create the final aroma that we all smell. Test any scents you’re considering and

have a sniff every half hour or so to see how long it lasts and if it’s what you’re looking for. You can change the smells at your work place quite easily with plugins, sprays, and possibly scented candles (if you’re allowed). Oil burners, reed diffusers, and incense are all other ways to create pleasant smells in your home or work place. With any items that have a flame or that create smoke, be sure to get permission before using them in the workplace. They’re not suitable for every environment. Some scents are about more than just smelling good too, they actually have their own unique effects. Anybody who is feeling anxious or stressed would benefit from using aromas like chamomile, jasmine, or lavender. These are all soothing, relaxing scents that promote calmness. At the other end of the scale are uplifting, energy boosting scents. These include peppermint, cinnamon, and the citrus smells. It’s a great idea to use different scents for different situations, moods, or times of day. There are scents to help you sleep, wake up, focus, kill pain, and alter your appetite. Make use of them wisely to create a happier, emotionally balanced life. The next area I want to touch on is sound. The history of sound and music is likely as old as human history itself. Almost every culture and civilization that we know about has expressed itself through art, including music and dance. The ability to use sound and create music has always been an enjoyable experience for people; if it wasn’t, it wouldn’t have been popular since the beginning of human kind. We can see this from simple observation without really needing

to understand the science behind it, which is sometimes varies in the details of its discoveries. Most of the research into the effects of music go into very niche topics, like different effects caused by different genres or volumes, so we’ll stick to the relevant stuff. Put simply, listening to music (or even making it) triggers the release of dopamine. This is a feel-good hormone, which is why we find music enjoyable. Music is a collection of rhythmic sounds, with each of those sounds being caused by the air vibrating at a unique frequency. Sound therapy is based on the belief that some of these frequencies can cause changes within the human body. This area is still quite new so there isn’t much scientific research, but the idea of sound healing is an old one. Many ancient civilizations believed in the healing power of sound, with a lot of chants and hymns designed around the idea. Even military march themes are chosen for the effect they have on troops, which would be based on the frequency of the sounds. The first person who was known to have promoted sound therapy was none other than ancient Greek philosopher Pythagoras, who championed his belief that sound had healing properties when the correct frequency was used. Today there are multiple types of sound therapy available in big cities, and even more rural locations now have some options. Different types of sound therapy will use their own instruments and techniques. Tibetan singing bowls are a popular method and are named after the key instrument used, although others can be added, such as rain sticks, shakers, or tuning forks. Sound baths are another popular technique and one that I have used

personally. I was actually introduced to them by a former kickboxer who had started a security firm. I remember we used to spend the day together every few months back in those days. This guy wasn’t actually a client, he was a mentor of mine, somebody I did and still do look up to. He’s the kind of guy who takes every challenge head on and has just beaten most of them into submission with sheer willpower. He’s one of those rare combinations of extreme mental, emotional, and physical toughness. The first time I travelled down to see him, I was expecting our day to be a combination of talking and some exercise. It would be an intense session no doubt, because this was a highly focused overachiever. What I got was different—we attended a yoga session and went for a walk. After a little snack and a chat, we moved on to the next activity—a sound bath. In those days, I didn’t even know what a sound bath was! My first thought was to panic because I didn’t have any swimming gear. As it turns out, a sound bath doesn’t involve getting wet at all. What actually happens is instruments are played, and a gong is used. Again, this is all to hit specific frequencies, and the people playing the instruments are trained to hit those frequencies. You simply lay back and enter a meditative state, while the sound frequencies wash over your body (like a bath). These sound waves should have a healing and energizing effect on your body from within. The experience was unbelievably refreshing and de-stressing. The first time I came out of there, it felt almost like I was floating. The improved mood stayed with me for days afterward. My friend, somebody I had always considered the epitome of tough, insists that

this is a key part of his routine. Relaxation and sound therapy allow him to stay happy and feel balanced in life. This in turn makes him very hard to shake, because he works so hard on maintaining that happy center. If it’s good enough for him, it was certainly good enough for me, and sound baths have been a regular feature of my life ever since. Like I said, the science on this topic is still a little thin, but more research is always ongoing. What’s undeniable is that many people have been helped by sound therapy, whether it was with singing bowls and sound baths, or monk-like chanting and the use of tunic forks. I tried sound baths with my mentor and it’s been a massive benefit for me as well. One thing I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older in life is that everything is worth a try. If you’ve struggled with your emotional state, I would strongly recommend trying sound therapy to help get yourself back on track. Another area of interest with sound is binaural beats. Binaural music uses two different frequencies, one through either headphone. They’re much less effective without headphones because any background sound will alter the frequencies and therefore the effectiveness of the music. The two different frequencies coming from two different sources creates a specific frequency within your head itself, which is how binaural beats differ from regular (monaural) music/beats. While studies are still ongoing, the use of specific binaural frequencies to cause definite effects has increased since the turn of the century. The idea is that the frequencies caused within your mind and body will boost the processes that you desire. For example, you

can use binaural beats to help boost your focus or to create more daily energy. They are less proven than sound therapy at the moment, though some people draw some strong benefits from the use of binaural beats. There has also been research into the effects of being exposed to daily sounds like traffic, road works, or shouting. These types of loud or erratic noise have a negative effect and raise cortisol (stress hormone). I recommend avoiding them as much as possible, though that isn’t always practical. The use a soothing soundtrack in the car and looking into ear plugs or noise cancelling headphones would be worth your time. Some ear plugs are designed to block loud noises the most, and to allow quieter noises to filter through. This means you can keep them in if you are spending a lot of time in loud areas and will still be able to hear people talking to you and anything else important. These days, some of this equipment is really cheap too, so look into your options and start leading a more peaceful, happier life now. My next tip for you is to use plants in your home and work space generously. Even the simplest of house plants will do. Plants photosynthesize to process carbon dioxide (what we breathe out) into oxygen and other gasses. This is great for us because we need oxygen. Having a few plants around should freshen the place up and help to improve air quality in your immediate vicinity. Plants are also nice to look at, and taking care of them is a simple act that still activates our internal reward systems—taking care of things seems to be hard-wired into the human system and has been proven to release feel good hormones.

While the reasons why are not entirely clear, the presence of live plants has been shown to reduce stress and anxiety while boosting concentration and energy levels. If plants can help you to be a happier and better version of yourself, you must take advantage of it. This is such an easy tip to implement, and it can pay dividends in your life immediately. With plants, you do need to remember that they’re living things too. Each different type will have its own needs and requirements when it comes to care, though with so many varieties available, it should be easy to find what you need. There’s a lot of different looks to these plants as well, so do your research and find something that you will really enjoy, but also something you can safely take care of. This is also another area to personalize your space, because the variety means you’re bound to find something you like to look at or find otherwise interesting. There are a few tips that I’m going to share with you regarding plants. Firstly, the placement is very important. You need natural light, and you also need to consider things like where ventilation or heating systems are located. Next up, make sure you are watering the plant appropriately—don’t over water, and don’t under water it. Some plants might also need food or other supplements. This is another reason why research is important. When you know beforehand what the plant will need, it’s easy to maintain it. Any other type of décor that helps to boost your mood is a good thing too. If you’re happier with a big movie poster in your home, then go ahead and get one. Like your office to have a few personal effects? Then go ahead and place them! As long as you aren’t

offending anyone or breaking any rules, go nuts with it, and add anything you like to your life. Your home, your work space, and your car, these are all places that you spend a lot of time in and that you have a lot of control over. Make them pleasant places for you to be. Make them reflect your likes and remind you of your values and the things you have been blessed with in life. Exercise is another powerful mood booster at your disposal. Physical activity at a moderate intensity will quickly release endorphins and make you feel happier. Working out will improve your health and immune system too, as well as give you more energy. All of these are factors to improving your mood and simply being active and getting it done will trigger your reward circuits. By making effective use of the methods we covered in this chapter (Chapter Seven), you will improve your ability to tolerate and deal with negative emotions/events. Stay on top of the techniques you’ve learned so far and make active use of them. Emotional stress tends to build up, unseen and unfelt at first. This is an issue because some people treat emotional management as a part-time thing. These people stop using tools like meditation and exercise once they feel better, allowing negative emotions to slowly start building up. With emotions, the effects of negatives build up exponentially and only start to be felt once they’re having a serious impact on our lives. It’s best to treat emotional management like the constant ongoing process it needs to be. This way we prevent bad feelings building up and maintain the happiest and most productive version of ourselves.

Chapter 8: Complementary Skills: Social Support and Self-Reliance

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n this section, we’re going to look at two different things that will form part of your strong emotional base. The first is the importance of your social life and how it relates to your emotions. We are social creatures by nature, having existed in close knit tribes for most of history. Embracing aspects of this will strengthen you as long as you commit to doing it properly. On the other hand, many people these days are too reliant on a social network and lack internal strength. Self-reliance is important at times too, especially since it forms the basis of good self-esteem. Knowing and trusting yourself is important in life. The Support Network At the core, human beings are social creatures. We have always relied heavily on our ability to communicate and cooperate with each other. This is how and why humans are the dominant power on earth, because we are adaptable and we work together in ways no other species can. In the modern world, almost everything we research or discover is documented for others to learn from. There’s a wealth of information at our fingertips, and the smartest minds in

the world work together to reach new breakthroughs. The history of humans has always shown just how social we are. As far back as we can find evidence of human existence, we have existed as a society, a social group who rely on each other and survive together. Almost as old as the idea of society is the idea of jail, which can be traced back to the ancient Greeks. The Greeks were the first to use imprisonment as a punishment when they began to imprison people who couldn’t pay their debts. From those days until now, jail has been the main way to punish humans for wrong-doing. Prisoners are socially isolated from their friends and family, held under the rules and conditions of another person. The fact that being isolated like this is considered such a serious punishment tells you how important having a support network is. In the 1950s, there was an experiment by Harry Harlow that investigated the effects of social isolation. Harlow’s team would isolate monkeys in a cage, away from all other contact, for a number of months at a time. Then they would see how these same monkeys performed in social situations. The monkeys would all be devastated by isolation, showing severe psychological effects including selfharm. Often times it was hard to even rehabilitate these monkeys, leaving scars that they never recovered from. For humans, isolation can have similar effects. It would be no surprise to you that the prison population suffers from a disproportionately higher rate of mental illness than the rest of us. There is a strong theory that this is partly because a person becomes more damaged by being imprisoned, rather than being

rehabilitated. This starts a vicious downward cycle as these people are now more likely to reoffend. Having a strong network of people to rely on is important in life. Not everybody is lucky enough to be born into a network, so many people have to create one. There is a saying that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with in life. Another theory is that you should always try to be in a social group that inspires and challenges you so that you are motivated to grow. Ultimately, I’ve seen all kinds of people find success and happiness, and there aren’t really many hard rules about the social side. The only one that is essential would be this—make sure every social relationship in your life adds something positive to you. It can be somebody inspiring, somebody who you can talk problems out with, or even just somebody you enjoy being around. In fact, variety in the types of friends you have is a great thing to have. Think about the people in your life who could form part of your core network. We can all benefit from having somebody to talk to, even if all they do is listen. Good friends can help you during tough emotional times in all kinds of ways and are a real blessing. If there are people in your life already who you can think of, start consciously spending time getting closer to them. Start creating the friendship you want and opening up to people emotionally; most of us are extremely open to this. None of us would mind helping a friend, and if we can do that by just listening and letting them open up, then that’s a great thing. Your friends are no different to anyone else in this regard. When you start opening up, it creates an opportunity for you to

experience new viewpoints too. Other people have a wealth of knowledge about emotions because we’re all experiencing our own roller coaster in life. Even the humblest person often has some great knowledge within, so be open to listening to people anywhere. Being more accepting like this is a great trait in general. It leads to learning because you hear so many viewpoints, and just because you listen to somebody, it doesn’t mean you have to accept their viewpoint or advice. Life is about learning and becoming better as we go, so take what you can and leave the rest. Building a strong network around you is also a great thing to have if disaster does strike. Be mindful of the people who actually care about you and who help you or are there for you. Remember that these relationships are a two-way street, so you have to be there for people too. Again, this is the kind of thing we are made for; we’re hardwired to feel fulfilled from helping each other. It all goes back to the many millennia that humans spent living the tribal lifestyle. Back in ancient days, it was normal for people to spend a part of each day doing nothing other than socializing. They would talk to each other and share their experiences, both of the day and life in general. They would air their problems and discuss solutions, along with telling stories to pass on further lessons and their history. There are still some isolated tribes on earth today who live in these ways. When checked, they have shown significantly lower cortisol levels than first world humans. These tribes still live by the old ways, gathering every evening for hours of group discussions around the fireplace under the darkening night skies. Addressing Needs

Every person has different wants and needs in life. When it comes to needs, we have to effectively fulfil them to have a happy life. The basic needs include food, water, and shelter. There are other levels of needs beyond this too. Anything that adds to keeping you happy should be considered a need. Try to figure out what makes you happy and then work on making it happen in your life. One thing to remember about your support network is that you must actively use it. There’s no point in having the people around you if you aren’t willing to use them when it matters. Some people have trust issues, but it’s important to commit to this and be open with your friends. If you start off by talking about less important feelings and situations, it can be good practice for opening up about bigger things. Over time, you’ll start to feel more comfortable opening up. It will also build your confidence in doing this because you’ll see that there’s no backlash. In fact, a lot of times, having opened up and been genuinely helped by doing so, people quickly begin to adapt and are more willing to rely on their friends. Over time, you want to become as comfortable as possible with opening up. Dealing with small issues quickly and opening up about them also prevents them from growing into bigger problems. Any time you start to feel stressed or flustered, you should use your support network to resolve the issues. Be proactive about your social life too. Your network can’t only exist to prop you up in bad times; create some good times with these people too. It strengthens your relationships and makes life more enjoyable. Remember that boredom, frustration, and other emotions

can all be helped by social activities. Your needs aren’t just about bad emotions, they’re about building and maintaining the happy, healthy future that you want. Blowing off a little steam and having fun is good for you, so incorporate it into your life. As much as your needs matter, having a social group means that your friends’ needs matter too. Keep an eye on the people who are there for you, and do your best to help them in life. If you notice that somebody is struggling or looks to be feeling low, reach out and offer help. Include them in social activities. The act of helping others releases feel good hormones in our brains, specifically oxytocin, known as the love chemical. Helping others in any form can activate this hormone release, so be nice to people and help when you can. Being nice adds to your pleasant persona, which means people around you will be happier and nicer in turn. It also creates a lot of goodwill towards you from the people in your life. Even helping strangers brings us these good feelings, to the point that it is used to help depression. In fact, random acts of kindness are encouraged by both life coaches and entrepreneurs because of the knock-on effect to your mental and emotional states. This cycles back into being productive and building a happy life. Some of the ways you can pull this off include volunteering, donating food or clothing to charities that will make good use of them, or doing some chores for a person in need or somebody elderly. Spending time in these activities will boost your social abilities too and will ease any anxiety you have associated with social interactions. Further physical benefits come from oxytocin being good for your

blood pressure and heart. It also reduces general inflammation in your body, which boosts your immune system and injury resistance. In fact, people with stronger social lives and good support networks live longer on average than those without. Gratitude and emotional state are boosted by time spent dealing with those less fortunate than you. Even looking into the places you donate to and talking with charity workers will open your eyes to some of the harsh situations that people are living in. It can be a reality check for some people to see how much worse life can be. Most people go through the experience and become a lot more grateful for what they already have. This knowledge will also impact how they react to emotions in their own lives. Self-Reliance Making good use of a social network is important but so is being happy alone. Being able to manage yourself in a crisis has already been covered. Now we’re talking more about regular daily life. Some people are naturally okay with being alone, although there are also a lot of people who aren’t. Sometimes this is because of mental or emotional trauma, which the person is trying to avoid. Being alone can leave their mind to wander. Other times there’s anxiety over being alone. Remember that logically you are perfectly safe alone. Traumas (emotional and other) need to be dealt with in order to be effectively self-reliant. Remember that unresolved emotional problems are the number one problem that has to be dealt with if you want to be happy. Being alone gives you time to process any thoughts or feelings. It’s a time when you can be reflective and give yourself any care or

attention that you need. With emotions, alone time can be a massive help for getting in touch with your inner feelings, which can then help you figure out what you enjoy and want in life. It also allows you to work through any negative emotions, coming up with a game plan of how to deal with them. These times are great for exploring new hobbies if you have nothing else to do. Alone time tends to be very relaxing because there’s little to stress you. There’s not much to go wrong and nobody to bother you. You can learn new skills during hobby time if you want to. Along with skills, alone time will teach you a lot. It will teach you to manage your time responsibly and make the most of your life. The more alone time you have, the more you will become comfortable with your own company. This creates self-trust and self-love, which again are great for your self-esteem and confidence. Mental toughness is also helped by alone time. The ability to plan and complete tasks and doing it for yourself helps in another way too. As humans, we look for external instructions or validation a lot of the time. This is why some young adults fail once they leave home and start college—they aren’t used to motivating themselves and planning their own lives out. Both of these key skills have to be developed, though you also need to stop needing external validation after the task, or even for doing the task at all. I’ve mentioned my ex-special forces friend in the past. He has told me many stories about the selection process for his unit and what they go through. One of the interesting factors to me was regarding praise and punishment. In his country, the instructors don’t participate in either thing, even though the selection process would

take more than six months in total. During this entire process, the staff will never once praise or scold anyone. The reason for this? It’s because they are looking for people who can get by alone, without the need for external motivation (whether that’s praise for doing well or being shouted at for doing badly, both are different types of motivation). The unit commanders know that their troops have higher than usual chances to be working alone, or to get caught/separated from the others somehow. They may be captured and held in a tough, hostile environment at any time. For their commanders, it’s important that these soldiers can survive such things without cracking. Being comfortable alone and not needing company, praise, or even interaction—all of these are strengths for a potential special forces soldier. In the same way, the more unshakeable you are, the more you can motivate yourself and keep yourself pushing forwards, regardless of praise or an audience, the more you can achieve. Nobody should be more important to you in life than you! Be your own best friend and you’ll never be lonely again. “Champions are made when nobody is watching.” –Michael Jordan What you do during your alone time matters a lot, so use it well. Self Confidence Self-confidence is one of the most important building blocks for emotional peace. First, being self-confident helps us with being comfortable alone. Being confident is a great thing. It is also true that you can be overconfident as well. Overconfidence (or arrogance) is based in negativity and a need to prove yourself. True confidence doesn’t need to be loud or to be the center of attention. Confidence

is about positivity, warmth, and comfort. Confident people aren’t afraid to be wrong and will happily accept the blame if they mess something up. Confident people also don’t think they’re above anyone else; instead they’re comfortable with who they are and don’t need to be compared to anybody else. My first tip for confidence is to manage your expectations in life. When you make life plans, assume that something can or will go wrong at some time. Expect life to throw you a terrible situation or some bad luck at times. If you have some expectation that these things will occasionally happen, then they won’t hit you as hard when they do. Having goals in life and achieving them is very important for confidence. Even if you don’t achieve the goals themselves, the growth and other achievements in your journey will help your confidence to grow. Confidence is the core of both being comfortable alone and a good social life, so you must focus on developing yours. Having both long-term and short-term goals is a good idea too. It gives you more growth opportunities, and the shorter goals should align with or compliment the larger goals so they act as a way to help you progress and to keep you on the right track. Learning new skills (or developing hobbies) will help you become more confident as well. It gives you a skill to be proud of plus the knowledge that you can learn new things. In fact, it’s proof that you already have an undeniable badge of achievement. Standing up for yourself also helps grow confidence. This one is extra important because if you don’t stand up for yourself, your confidence will actually shrink and you’re exposing yourself to bad

emotional states. You have a right to be happy and to be treated as nicely and fairly as any other human. Demand your right by standing up for yourself if anybody is being overly harsh or picking on you. Most bullies go for the easy victims in life, so if somebody is targeting you, this is likely how they see you. By standing up for yourself even once, you break this image. A lot of bullying stops as soon as the victim stands up for themselves. The confidence you get from this will help you to be more assertive in life, making it easier to get the life you want. Working on your fitness is another great tip. Being fit builds confidence and feels great. It also helps you to look more attractive, which chains back into even more confidence. Of course, the combination of looking better, being fitter, and being more confident also makes you even more attractive. All of this relates back to many of our earlier points, including the talk about the law of attraction. Positivity and happiness bring more positivity and happiness, not because of the law, but because of the other effects these things have. One final tip for building your self-confidence is this: face your fears and work on overcoming them. If there is something in life that genuinely scares you, such as heights, deep water, or insects, then make a conscious decision to face this fear. This is one of the ultimate ways to learn about harnessing and controlling emotional states. Overcoming the situation will give your confidence a gigantic boost and will also help your emotional intelligence. It’s also a positive act to help your general emotional state and an extremely good addition to the cookie jar of achievements we talked about earlier.

When facing your fears, you already have a good indication 0f which emotions will come up. Make a conscious battle plan of how you’re going to address these emotions. Prepare for the anxiety that you’re sure to feel, and remind yourself that there is no logical reason to be afraid. Remember that fear exists to keep us alive, and accept it. Your body can be hyped up and making you hyper aware because of fear, but you can choose to accept that and continue with the action regardless. Nothing bad will happen to you, whether it’s handling a spider or doing an abseil. As long as you are dealing with a professional and have explained your situation beforehand, you are guaranteed to be perfectly safe. The emotional boost you gain from encounters like these is more than worth enduring the tough parts. If you’ve ever seen people who are afraid of rollercoasters actually go on one, you’ll know that they often want to ride more afterwards. The adrenaline rush and positive emotion from these situations is extremely high, so they want to experience it again immediately. This is the type of sensation that some people initially find in illicit drugs. In time, chasing that same high leads to addiction. The only way to experience it without drawbacks is to experience it naturally, by pushing yourself to overcome and achieve more. This type of event is very potent and can be the beginning of a positive chain. One final point about self-confidence—be gentle with yourself on the journey. Don’t expect too much, too soon. If you are patient and persistent, the results must eventually come. If they haven’t yet, then you need to stick with it for longer. Don’t be too hard on yourself with failure. Remember that failure is

an essential part of learning, because you usually need to learn what doesn’t work before you can understand what does. Accept failures and learn from them, then move on. Chapter Eight has been about two different but vital areas. One is the importance of using your support network and the people around you. The other is the importance of being able to survive alone. Selfreliance includes being confident in yourself and your decisions rather than caving to the influence of society or people around you. Remember to love yourself just like you would love a partner or family member. Be gentle and encouraging; nurture your own growth in the right direction and your development of skills. By loving and trusting yourself, you are also taking steps towards removing the need for outside validation. Outside validation is something we should never need when it comes to our lives and particularly our emotions. Many people in the world are unhappy because they’re trying so hard to please other people instead of thinking about what makes them happy.

Chapter 9: Further Impact of Understanding Emotions

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astering and harnessing your emotions means understanding them and accepting them. There’s no way to make progress in this area without acceptance and processing your own emotions. It would be like trying to master tennis without hitting a ball. Experience and learning matter in any area. At this point, we have covered a variety of techniques for identifying and dealing with emotional issues. We’ve covered the importance of acceptance and why it’s necessary to let emotions run their course. By practicing the techniques in this book, you will have improved your ability to understand, identify, and deal with emotions. With the basics out of the way, you can begin to use this knowledge to create specific improvements in other areas of your life. You can also use your knowledge and skills to better the lives of people around you, such as your friends and family. In this chapter, we’re going to look at some specific ways to accomplish that. In Chapters One and Two, we looked at why our system of emotions exists and how it’s supposed to help us. We also looked at the

observation and acceptance of emotions. Remember that we can’t control our emotions because they’re a feedback system. Instead of trying to control what this system puts out, we should accept the emotion and experience it. This way the emotion is accepted, felt, and processed. With the cycle complete, the emotion begins to lose its power and effects on you and your life. Over time you’ll be able to apply the same observation skills to your friends and family. You’ll be able to pick up on what they focus on, the language they use, and the moods they are usually in. Chapter Three was all about emotional states and energy levels, so refer back to it if you need a refresher. Quiet emotional observation can help you to understand more about your friends/family and colleagues. Observing their habits, language, and attitude can help you to understand how they process emotions and what drives them. This isn’t a process of instant revelation. It’s a gradual process where you can slowly figure out pieces here and there. For anybody close to you, this is a good thing. It can strengthen your relationship and it puts you in a position to help these people live happier lives. Doing so is another fulfilment of the gratitude and kindness tips as well, plus it also strengthens your support network. In time, you can help the people in your network to become better at understanding emotions. This means that they can give you the same help and support that you provide to them, adding to a positive cycle of improvement and happiness in your social circle. Understanding your own emotions also allows you to better anticipate how you might react to situations. Being able to understand your potential reactions then gives you a lot more control

over which reaction you actually choose. At low levels of emotional intelligence, some responses are automatic. At higher levels, you’re actively choosing all of your responses. This is what you are aiming for, the point where every emotional decision or reaction is a conscious one. Hone this ability with regular reflection over what emotions you have felt recently, where, and why. Think about what reactions you’ve had too. Your on-going reflection on how you act or react in emotional situations should never stop; it should be a constant source of information and learning to benefit your life. The good news is that you don’t even have to reach that point to start improving. Simply being aware of your emotions is enough to help you on your journey. When you’re aware that you are experiencing an emotion, then that emotion has been noticed, and you can factor its existence into your decision-making. It’s amazing how much impact this technique has. Once we understand that we are in an emotional state, such as an angry or upset one, then we also immediately understand how that state affects our decisions. Remember that feeling emotion is never a bad thing. You don’t cause the emotion to pop up; it’s a natural reaction to external events. Remember to accept your emotions. When something happens, just focus on breathing, taking some time if possible, and keeping a level head. Experience in harnessing your emotions will continue to make you better and better at using them to your advantage. You’ll become more comfortable with using negative emotional events as a driving force or fuel. You’ll also become more accustomed to identifying your

emotions and dealing with them in the best way. Getting a good grasp of your own emotions has other benefits too. With our new-found skills, not only can we spot our own emotional states changing, we can also spot the emotional states of others and how they change. Our experience with emotions means that we know the telltale signs of different feelings and how people might act when experiencing those emotions. Being able to identify these things means you are much more capable of helping people close to you in dealing with their emotions. You can help them along the journey that you have already completed. Doing this will strengthen your social/support network and bring your groups general level of emotional intelligence up to a higher level. Remember the saying about being the average of the five people you spend the most time with? By using your knowledge and skills to help others grow, you are raising the emotional intelligence of those five people, thereby setting yourself up to learn more and become more emotionally intelligent. That’s only one of the reasons to share your knowledge though. The act of helping people deal with emotions is extremely valuable to people. You are helping them to learn skills that can better their lives. In return, you can expect a solid friend for life, one who will trust your opinion and listen to you on pretty much anything. Identifying emotional responses in people around you will come naturally as you begin to process your own emotions. This is because emotional responses can be quite similar in many people. If you understand what the signs are when you are angry, then you are easily able to spot those signs in other people too. Just pointing out

that somebody seems angry can bring them back into the moment and out of an emotional spiral, allowing them to better deal with their current emotional state. Keep in mind that people who are less emotionally developed have to be handled carefully. It helps a lot if you have a good, trusting relationship with the person already. Outside of this, be patient with people and remember that taking the lead in emotional guidance means you will often be better at managing emotions than the people around you. While this can sound frustrating, it’s actually an opportunity to better and guide your support network. Understanding emotions has business uses too, especially if you can combine it with prior knowledge of the personality and reputation this person has. Used ethically, you can take advantage of this knowledge when dealing with all people in your business life. The salesperson can figure the pains and needs of a customer more effectively. A business vendor can get a better handle on the individual preferences of their customers and suppliers. Even within a business, it gives managers the ability to spot problems within their workforce and deal with them ahead of time. It gives executives the skills needed to best identify and fix problem areas, and advantages in persuading or influencing other executives and board members. By understanding what these people really care about, the emotionally intelligent executive can show them why a particular decision is in their interests and gets them closer to what they want. A better understanding of emotions will ultimately equip you to be a better communicator. You’re in a better position to understand

people because you can take in more than just the words they use. You can understand body language, habits, and why certain actions/reactions are happening. You can also understand the motivations and goals of a person, along with knowing how they have operated in the past. These pieces of information are great indicators for what drives a person, and they also allow you to predict how a person might react to certain situations. All of this is great in the business world because it allows you to make the most impact on the people around you, helping them to achieve their goals and showing your own value in the process. With good emotional intelligence and communication skills, anybody will soon find themselves being trusted more and more in a professional setting. This can open a variety of doors, such as promotions or outside business opportunities. Smart use of your emotional intelligence fuels your productivity by harnessing negative emotions. Emotion is why we care more about some things than others, prioritizing what’s important to us. Listening to yours allows you to explore a career in an area that is well suited to your preferences, and even specific companies or positions that are a perfect match. This is how a company creates a shared vision and a brand personality. Emotional preferences and traits not only help you to identify the best place for you, they also become part of your personality and reputation. They become part of your own personal identity and can attract like-minded people who will help drive you forward in life. Being emotionally resilient also has its own set of benefits. Our personal and professional lives are always going to have ups and

downs. On our journeys, we are still sure to make mistakes and bad decisions. Sometimes we might let our guard down at the wrong time or to the wrong person. We can’t hold on to this negative energy and emotion without poisoning ourselves, so we have to let it go. Learning to accept, process, and release emotions is an amazing skill. If something goes wrong in your life, you’ll be best able to accept it and overcome it. Resilience makes it much harder to shake you off your game. It makes you tougher to beat and lets you come back from losses stronger every time. Being able to calmly accept bad events and keep a level head will shield you from some bad decisions. It could even allow you to see the bigger picture in situations where there is one. Keeping a level head can open you up to all sorts of different views on a crisis. This is how some people seem to make a killing whenever there’s a disaster or a financial crisis. They’re simply the ones who stay calm and detached from emotion enough to see the facts for what they really are. Leadership is another area that opens up to those with emotional intelligence. People will naturally flock to those who seem happiest in life. The fact that emotional balance adds to your chances of success professionally and socially only adds to this. Combined with a positive energy, the emotionally balanced leader can go very far indeed, sensitive to the needs of their people, able to read the opposition well, and perfectly suited for pleasing the masses. When was the last time you saw a leader acting angrily as a victim to their emotions? When that happened, did you feel like the person was presenting confidence and power or rage and insecurity? We all

know that being loud isn’t the same thing as being right or being effective. Leading in a calm and collected way exposes people to the actual substance of what you bring. In other words, they can focus on the value you bring. As mentioned earlier, good emotional intelligence helps with communication, which will enhance your image to the people around you. It’s natural for people to trust you more when you are effective at helping them. It’s natural for you to be respected and admired more if you are a stable and effective leader. Using your skills to benefit yourself and the people around you will only compound this effect. The more you do it, the more your position in life will be elevated, which in turn gives you more opportunities to prove yourself and your skills. Whether your goal is to better your personal life, your professional life, or both, good emotional management will be a vital step in getting you there.

Conclusion

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hroughout this book, we’ve looked at all the angles of human emotion. We’ve covered the origins of emotion and why it’s wired so deeply into our systems. Early on we explored how

emotions are designed to be advantageous to humans and how they act as feedback systems in order to keep us safe and happy. We’ve also looked at how the labeling of emotions, or the attachment of them to a specific event, is something we as modern humans have created. No emotion is inherently good or bad, with all having a specific purpose. Likewise, we can often experience emotions because we are viewing life from our own point of view only and forgetting that the world is a huge place with many events happening all the time. As time passes, it becomes impossible for bad things not to happen—people will eventually pass away, you may suffer illness or injury, but these are natural parts of life for everyone on the planet, so you can’t react too emotionally. You are not being targeted and are not particularly unlucky, you are just experiencing some of the less pleasant parts that human life has to offer. Keeping in mind what you have learned about emotions and why they exist will be a big step towards bettering your emotional intelligence. You’ve learned about energy givers and takers, along with emotional states and the effects your surroundings can have. This knowledge should leave you much better equipped for dealing with day-to-day life.

Practice the techniques you have learned within this book, such as the breathing techniques and visualization. Speaking of breathing techniques, perhaps the most important part of emotional management is just remembering to take a moment before reacting. Whatever happens, you always have to fight the urge to react emotionally. Instead focus on taking a deep breath (or a few breaths) and thinking through the situation logically. Remember to stick to the facts—what happened and what you can do about it? Because of how our emotional systems are wired, our emotions can often be a hindrance in our responses to problems in the modern world, rather than a help. The use of lifestyle changes to build a stronger overall emotional self is important too. If you’re not willing to take the steps necessary to boost your overall emotional fuel tank, then you’re effectively handicapping yourself in the long run. It’s like an athlete who relies on their natural talent but doesn’t boost it by working out at all. Even if they’re capable of doing well in their sport, they aren’t reaching their full potential. Similarly, you must train your ability to manage emotional situations, alongside boosting your own mental toughness and resilience by adding some emotionally centering activities into your life (such as exercise, meditation, and positive thinking). Above all else, the key theme that is central to good emotional management is acceptance. Denying an emotion or trying to block it out will only give it more strength and allow it to have more effect in your life. If you really want to be emotionally strong, you have to accept and acknowledge the emotions that come your way. Remember that you aren’t the creator of these emotions, you didn’t choose them, so there’s no reason for you to feel guilty or sad about

the emotions themselves. Whatever emotions you happen to feel, just accept them and focus on figuring out why they’re happening. This already lessens the power of the emotion over us and helps us to understand ourselves better. From here you can begin to use the processing techniques in this book (there are a lot of them in Chapter Five) to work through the emotion to get it out of your system. Be conscious of creating a good balance in your life between selfreliance and the use of your family and friends (or even professionals) as a support network. It allows you to strengthen both approaches, either of which could be vital for your future. Remember to stay aware of how you’re reacting to emotions in your life. Be honest with yourself and reflect regularly. Be aware of your surroundings and your lifestyle choices. You don’t need to go from 0100, take your time to implement the changes and focus on consistency instead of a sudden shift. Gradual changes are much more likely to stick, and it’s a new lifestyle that you are trying to create for yourself. Finally, using this knowledge to improve your life is a great thing, but using it to help the people around you as well can really make the difference in your quality of life. Imagine if everybody around you became an expert with handling their emotions. Even if you hadn’t changed anything, this situation would immediately see you living a better, healthier, and happier life. Start this change off by being the one who sets the example, the front runner who shows people the ways of emotional intelligence. At first you can just set the example, because over time people will naturally want your input and help in dealing with emotions.

Remember to be kind to yourself too. We are all learning as human beings, nobody ever really reaches a point where they’ve learned everything and mastered life as a whole, so don’t get mad with yourself if learning and change take a little while. Once again, I want to point out that consistency is the key. So take a breath, assess the facts of the situation around you, and make an appropriate plan for dealing with the situation. Remembering those key steps alone can take you a long way in life. Pairing them with what you’ve learned in this book can be enough to take you to the top. In the future, hopefully you can pass these skills on to others, compounding the benefits of your learning and creating a happier world for yourself and all of those around you. One last thing before you go – Can I ask you a favor? I need your help! If you like this book, could you please share your experience HERE on Amazon and write an honest review? It will be just one minute for you (I will be happy even with one sentence!), but a GREAT help for me and definitely good Karma

. Since I’m not a well-

established author and I don’t have powerful people and big publishing companies supporting me, I read every single review and jump around with joy like a little kid every time my readers comment on my books and give me their honest feedback! If I was able to inspire you in any way, please let me know! It will also help me get my books in front of more people looking for new ideas and useful knowledge. If you did not enjoy the book or had a problem with it, please don’t

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I’m constantly working on my books to make them better and more helpful. Thank you and good luck! I believe in you and I wish you all the best on your new journey! Your friend, Ian

The Science of Self Talk: How to Increase Your Emotional Intelligence and Stop Getting in Your Own Way

Introduction

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ave you ever paid attention to your inner speech? You know, that running conversation that seems to go on interminably in your head. The one that’s in the

background, thinking your thoughts, or rather “speaking” them to you in an internal, or is it infernal, commentary? Or did you just kind of ignore it, never really thinking much about it? But I bet you’re thinking about it, now that I’ve mentioned it. And even if you’re thinking, “I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about,” stop and listen to your thoughts for a second. Chances are, you’re thinking in a voice with speech. That’s what I’m talking about. What causes us to talk to ourselves silently or out loud? How does self-talk affect our emotions and actions? “How can we become more aware of what we’re saying to ourselves?

These are interesting questions and we’ll get to them, but, by far, the most useful question we can ask is: Can we talk to ourselves differently? Can we flip the script and rewrite the way we communicate with ourselves? The answer is, yes, we can. And that’s what this book is about.

Chapter 1: What Is Self-Talk?

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et’s start with a more precise definition. Self-talk, aka intrapersonal communication, is your internal use of speech and language. It appears in the form of thoughts that you can “hear” with the auditory part of your brain. It can also include speaking to yourself out loud. Which is totally normal, I promise. Well, unless you’re experiencing hallucinations and hearing voices, in which case it could be a serious problem requiring the attention of a mental health professional. But maybe you don’t want to do it when others are around. Definitely avoid mumbling to yourself as you walk down the street or browse the aisles in the supermarket. (See? We’re only getting started and already you have actionable advice for how not to self-talk. You’re welcome.) If you still don’t get what I’m talking about, notice what happens as you’re reading these words. Read them silently, but pay attention to your thoughts. Do you “hear” the words in your head as you read them? That’s also self-talk. If you’re like most people, you use the same inner voice to speak to yourself in a variety of situations virtually all the time.

Much of the time, we don’t really notice our self-talk, so it’s this kind of half-conscious chatter going on at the edges of our awareness like smatterings of conversations in nearby cubicles at work. But we all listen in pretty regularly, as well. The conversation usually comments on ourselves, other people, and situations, which could be whatever is currently happening, or what did happen, or what we imagine is going to happen. It’s like turning on the director’s commentary on a movie. There’s the actual movie, which is our experience, and then there’s whatever the director is saying about what’s on the screen, which is our self-talk. Or you can think of it like a sports announcer commenting on the game as it’s happening. If you listen carefully, you’ll notice that this inner conversation reflects thoughts and emotions. Self-talk isn’t random. It exhibits patterns that repeat themselves. And everyone has their own characteristic self-talk that is uniquely theirs. Some people’s self-talk is mostly about the future, while others’ is an internal dialogue about the past. Some self-talk tends to be positive and upbeat, while other self-talk is harsh and critical. Or it can be defeatist, gloomy, and negative. Sometimes, self-talk is focused more on people; sometimes, it’s fixated more on things. Sometimes, it’s mainly about others, and, sometimes, mainly about oneself. One of the points we’ll hammer home again and again is that it’s important to listen to your self-talk and identify the patterns. If you do that, you’ll learn a lot of useful things about yourself. And you’ll figure out areas where you have a certain style of self-talk that’s having a negative impact on your life. Once you know that, you can do

something about it by talking to yourself differently. That’s important because negative self-talk is linked to negative emotional states such as anxiety, depression, insecurity, rumination, learned helplessness, and so on. In other words, a sense that life is too overwhelming, that you can’t do much to improve your condition, and even if there were something you could do, you’d probably fail. Obviously, that’s not a good place to be. Positive self-talk, on the other hand, is linked with less negative emotion and more happiness, confidence, optimism, success in life, and a sense of agency and authorship of your own existence. Okay, but how does that work? I’m going to argue that self-talk creates a feedback loop. What you put into it determines what comes out, and your reaction to that determines what you put into it the next time around. If you break a negative feedback loop by giving it a positive input instead, it will spin into a positive feedback loop. That creates a kind of snowball effect, which takes on a life of its own. Make a small, incremental change today, and it will gather momentum the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that… until you’re surprised at what you’ve accomplished.

Exercise I Spend some time with yourself, noticing your internal speech. It’s best to do this while you’re not very engaged with something. So put down the ebook, pocket your devices, and go for a walk in the park. Go sit on the porch or balcony. Just be by yourself for a time and listen to your inner dialogue. Don’t try to change it; just relax and listen for now. Repeat this exercise a few times, and you’ll soon start to recognize characteristic patterns. Once you get used to that, then try to tune in when you’re otherwise engaged with something. Pay attention to what your inner speech is saying to you as you work, as you hang out with friends, as you wash the dishes, as you do anything. You’ll get an idea of what your self-talk patterns are in various situations. This isn’t just a one-time exercise, it’s a useful habit to train in yourself. At first, you have to make a conscious effort at it, but, with time, you’ll just notice your self-talk automatically.

Chapter 2: Constructive Self-Talk, Dysfunctional Self-Talk

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onsider the sports commentary analogy from earlier. A sports announcer makes judgments of a player’s performance as they’re playing the game. Maybe he criticizes the player or maybe he praises a good performance. Likewise, through self-talk your ego makes a lot of judgments about you and your performance as you do the things you do. Those judgments can be positive or negative. But positive and negative doesn’t just mean you feel great about yourself or you feel like crap. Maybe a better way to think about it is constructive versus dysfunctional. So a constructive kind of self-talk would be any kind of self-talk that leads you in the right direction, toward your goals and toward becoming a better you. Dysfunctional self-talk would be any self-talk that bogs you down in unproductive, stale, repetitive patterns, especially if those patterns make you feel miserable and helpless. It’s important to note here that negative emotion (or negative affect)

is not necessarily your enemy. It’s how you think about negative emotions that makes them negative. In other words, how you represent negative emotions to yourself in your own self-talk is the key ingredient that turns them into real negativity. How so? Researchers studying depression have figured out that people with clinical depression have a kind of compulsive destructive self-talk.37 Psychologists call it rumination, and its characteristic is repetitively going over symptoms of distress, like a scab you keep obsessively picking at. Its other characteristic is passivity. You don’t focus on solutions but problems. So you have a negative emotion, such as sadness, but, on top of that sadness, you’re telling yourself this toxic story: It’s all useless, I can’t do anything right. I’ve been stuck in this same position forever and I’ll never get out of it. Dysfunctional self-talk tells a story. It’s the wrong kind of story, a story in which you’re passive and helpless. In constructive self-talk, on the other hand, you see yourself as someone who can achieve your goals. That doesn’t just lift your mood. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you see yourself as capable, then you have the right perspective to become capable. That puts you in the driver’s seat. With constructive self-talk, you might tell yourself: You’ve faced challenges before, and with courage and hard work, you overcame them. And you can overcome this one, too. You’ve made mistakes before; it’s not the end of the world. Now that you know more, you can use this information to get closer to what you really

want. Your life is pretty good. Sure, there are some improvements you want to make here and there. And you’re fully up to the task. You’re good at your job and you should feel proud. You have a right to take credit for a job well done and to feel happy and proud when people praise you. (You may have noticed the use of the second-person in these examples. There’s a reason behind that, which we’ll get around to, but, for now, I just wanted to draw your attention to it.)

37 .

Papageorgiou, C. & Wells, A. (2004). Nature, functions, and beliefs about depressive rumination. In C. Papageorgiou & A. Wells (Eds.), Depressive rumination: Nature, theory and treatment (pp. 320). West Sussex, UK: John Wiley & Sons.

Exercise II Keep a journal or notepad with you. Keep two lists titled “Constructive Self-Talk” and “Dysfunctional Self-Talk.” Take note of your positive and negative self-talk as you go about your day or your week. Whenever you find yourself engaging in negative self-talk like “I’m always late” or “I suck,” write down your thoughts in the dysfunctional list. And whenever you find yourself engaging in positive self-talk (e.g., “I can do this” or “I can nail this presentation”), write down those thoughts, too. At the end of the day or week, go over your lists. Did you engage more in positive or negative self-talk? How do you feel when you read each list? Tally it up and take note of whether or not you have more positive or negative self-talk. If the negative predominates, don’t worry, we’re going to go over strategies for changing that. And if it’s 50/50 or mostly positive, then that’s great, but maybe we can make it even better. I’m deliberately keeping the timeframe flexible here. If you have a very busy schedule, you might not get a chance to make many notes on any single day. So you can stretch the exercise out over a week, or however long it takes to come up with a decent list of ten to twenty items. Don’t skip this exercise and don’t throw out your notes because we’re going to come back to them later.

Chapter 3: Impact of Negative Self-Talk

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egative self-talk has a number of unhealthy effects. Obviously, it makes you feel bad about yourself. It’s associated with anxiety, depression, stress, low selfesteem, and feelings of vulnerability. But it can also become a selffulfilling prophecy that harms your performance and even ruins your life. One study found that healthy teenagers of normal weight who just perceived themselves as overweight were more likely to become obese later in life.38 Other research has found that negative self-talk can make your performance worse in everything from academia39 to your job and can even make you worse at playing darts.40 Negative self-talk is especially associated with higher levels of stress and poor emotional regulation when faced with stress. We’ve all experienced stress, and we know what it’s like. But to really understand what’s going on with it, we need a tighter definition. Stress can be understood as a set of physiological responses to something in our environment. The physical symptoms of stress include: Muscular tension and pain Pain in the upper back, shoulders, and neck

Elevated heart rate and chest pain High blood pressure Headache Digestive problems such as nausea, diarrhea, constipation, and ulcers Low libido, inhibited sexual function or impotence Insomnia Tightness in the jaw and teeth grinding, especially while asleep Sweating Frequent illness (colds and so on) due to weakened immune system One theory suggests that stress is basically the same as a fight-orflight response. We evolved fight-or-flight to deal with specific threats on the environment. When our prehistoric ancestors faced a predator in the wild, they would tense up and become extremely alert. Their heart rate would increase. Adrenaline would spike. Their bodies were preparing to either face their foe in a life-or-death struggle or run like hell in the opposite direction. With agriculture and urbanization, cities, towns, and smaller settlements replaced nature as our primary environment, and society became exponentially more complex. But our brains lagged far behind. We still relied on the same Paleolithic, hunter-gatherer cognitive toolkit for navigating life, but life less and less resembled the environment to which we were best fitted. We no longer rely on

hunting and gathering, let alone farming, to sustain us, but on collecting money in exchange for producing valuable services or goods. So anything that threatens our wallets is experienced as a threat to survival. Also, survival was associated with belonging to a tribe. Those who were banished from the tribe soon perished. So, anything that separates us from our circle of family and friends is felt as a threat to survival, even if our wallets are fat. Nowadays, the threats or stressors in our environment are numerous and constant. You have the possibilities of losing a job, not getting that raise, losing to a competitor, failing a class, losing with investments, committing a humiliating faux pas in a social setting, or being stigmatized by your peers for some mistake. The problem here is that the fight-or-flight response was adapted to sudden and short-term threats, not gradual and long-term ones. So we react to long-term stressors as if they were short-lived, but they’re really not. The physiological responses we have to threats are beneficial in that they give us the energy and quickness to get out of the way of a speeding car, for instance, and then subside. However, if something continually provokes those responses over a long time, they have a negative effect. So, while short-term stress can actually benefit health and longevity, long-term chronic stress causes us to live shorter, less healthy lives. Negative self-talk increases that stress by distorting our perception of challenges and our ability to meet them. In other words, it makes routine difficulties look like threats. It makes things seem worse than they really are. Thus, it makes stress even more stressful. It does this in a few ways. We can break them down into a number of

broad patterns or cognitive distortions. Catastrophizing – Also known as “making a mountain out of a molehill,” catastrophizing refers to making bad situations seem much worse than they are. You didn’t just make a mistake; you made an utter fool of yourself. You spilled some milk on the carpet. You’ll never get it out; what a disaster! Well, not really. Everyone makes mistakes, and spilled milk can be cleaned up. Personalization

–

This

is

also

sometimes

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personalizing. It means automatically referring everything to yourself, imagining it has something to do with you. Your boss forgot to CC you on an email, so you imagine it’s because they’re unhappy with your work. In reality, it could have nothing to do with you at all. Beware the trap of thinking too much and over-analyzing the actions of others. Blaming – You could be blaming yourself or others. If you’re blaming others, consider how you may bear some of the responsibility. If you’re blaming yourself, consider that not all problems are your fault; you’re not in control of everything, so you’re only to blame for the things you could have changed. Be forgiving to both yourself and others. Filtering – This means only considering the negative aspects of something, not the positive ones. Trouble in your relationship? There’s a good chance you’re focusing on the negative in your partner and forgetting their good side and all the ways they treat you kindly. You have to make a

conscious effort to balance your thoughts by thinking of the positive, also. Overgeneralizing – You fail at something one time, and from that conclude that you are a failure who can’t get anything right. It’s a mistake to think that way, both emotionally and factually. “One” is not a big enough sample size to draw any conclusions. Try proving yourself wrong. Each time you fall down, you learn something you need to know to achieve eventual success. Black-or-white thinking – Things are either awesome or they suck. I’m either #1 or I’m a failure. Life is a lot more complicated than that. There are many shades of gray. Almost nothing is completely black or white. This isn’t an exhaustive list. There are many other cognitive distortions of this kind, such as jumping to conclusions and so on. They’re a key tool in clinical paradigms such as cognitive-behavioral therapy. If you’re interested in learning more about them—and it’s definitely well worth your time—the Wikipedia page for cognitive distortion has a great list. Right about now, you may be thinking to yourself, But what if my negative self-talk is true? What if it’s accurate to focus on the negative? What if things really are black and white? What if I really am a failure and a loser? Well, first of all, “loser” is a value judgment, not a fact. And, yes, value judgments are extremely useful—indeed indispensable—if you’re trying to decide whether or not to buy something, or whether

or not you want to get to know someone, or whether that person you think of as your friend is really a friend who’s there for you when you’re in need or is just a mooch who’s taking advantage of you. Value judgments are also useful for weighing your own habits, decisions, and actions and deciding whether or not they’re good for you and the people you care about, whether they’re ethical, and so on. But value judgments are worse than useless when they’re global judgments of yourself. Because, for better or worse, you’re stuck with yourself. And you are the material you have to work with. So, since you can’t just reject yourself, it’s damaging to beat yourself up. You’ll just end up in a rut, feeling hopeless. And that won’t be because you were seeing things clearly. It will be because you blinded yourself to the truth. Or as the highly recommended former trader and risk and probability expert Nassim Taleb put it in his book Anti-fragile: A loser is someone who, after making a mistake, doesn’t introspect, doesn’t exploit it, feels embarrassed and defensive rather than enriched with a new piece of information, and tries to explain why he made the mistake rather than moving on. But that’s not you, because you’re here, reading this book and introspecting. You’re thinking about yourself, thinking about how you think, working out better strategies for self-talk and living, and enacting them to make positive changes in your life. The idea is to base everything on facts, not value judgments. Value judgments are only as true as the facts they’re based on. So start with what you know about the situation. Get the facts right. Know

what you want. And figure out how to get from here to there.

Learned Helplessness Martin Seligman is a psychologist who did famous research on classical conditioning. He performed an experiment that involved delivering small electrical shocks to dogs. Every time he gave a dog a shock, he would ring a bell. The dogs soon came to expect an electrical shock even when the bell wasn’t being rung. (This was in the 60s, so the ethical standards were a bit lax.) Then he put the dogs in a room divided by a low partition. On one side, the floor was electrified, and on the other side, it wasn’t. He put the dogs on the electrified side. Then he delivered a shock to the dogs through the floor. Now, the partition was low, so the dogs could have jumped over it with ease. But the weird thing was they didn’t even try. In fact, the dogs would just lie down and accept their senseless punishment with stoic resignation. He tried the same thing with dogs that hadn’t been exposed to any electric shocks. He put them into the same room and delivered a shock through the floor. Those dogs jumped over the partition without hesitation. It’s kind of like how if you leave a horse’s reins draped over a post without tying them, the horse will just stand there. Even though the horse could easily wander off, it’s used to the idea of being tied up, so it just assumes that it can’t go anywhere. Seligman called this discovery learned helplessness. Later research has linked learned helplessness to depression-like symptoms in

animals.41 It’s even more messed up than that, though. People with learned helplessness are not as good at solving problems and have lower relationship and job satisfaction.42 Learned helplessness is what keeps people in an abusive relationship. It’s what keeps some people stuck in poverty even when they have a chance to get out, and it’s what prevents some children from even trying to improve their academic performance. Learned helplessness makes you neglect the things in your life that you need to change. That’s because you’re constantly telling yourself that you can’t change and you can’t improve things. Negative self-talk is a symptom of learned helplessness. It’s the voice in your head that says I can’t and It’s no use. Do yourself a favor. Consider burning that victim script and completely rewriting it from scratch with positive self-talk.

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Sutin, A. & Terracciano, A. (2015). Body weight misperception in adolescence and incident obesity in young adulthood. Psychological Science, 26(4), 507-511. 39 . Van Sistine, A. J. (2008). Negative self-talk in school-aged children (Unpublished research paper). University of Wisconsin – Stout, Menomonie, WI. 40 . Van Raalte, J. L., Brewer, B. W., Lewis, B. P., Linder, D. E., Wildman, G., & Kozimor, J. (1995). Cork! The effects of positive and negative self-talk on dart throwing performance. Journal of Sport Behavior, 18(1), 50-57. 41 . Maier, S. F., & Watkins, L. R. (2005). Stressor controllability and learned helplessness: The roles of the dorsal raphe nucleus, serotonin, and corticotropin-releasing factor. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 29(4-5), 829-841. 42 . Henry, P. C. (2005). Life stress, explanatory style, hopelessness, and occupational class. International Journal of Stress Management, 12(3), 241–256.

Exercise III Write down the categories of negative self-talk in your notebook: Catastrophizing. Personalization, Blaming, Filtering, Overgeneralizing, and Black-or-White Thinking. Leave a bit of space after each one because you’re going to be keeping tally. Now go back over your notes from the previous exercise. Take the list of negative self-talk and consider each item you wrote down previously. Which category of cognitive distortion does it belong to? For example, if it’s catastrophizing, make a score mark under “Catastrophizing.” If an item seems to fit more than one category (e.g., both overgeneralizing and black-or-white thinking), go ahead and add a point for both categories. At the end, look at your results. You’ll probably notice that your negative self-talk tends to fall into one or two of the categories more than others. Those are the areas you want to work on. So if you scored highest in black-or-white thinking, for example, you will want to be on guard for that. Whenever you catch yourself in negative self-talk, stop and write it down. Or if you can’t write it down, just think about it. But think about it in a systematic way. Ask yourself: 1. Is this falling into a cognitive distortion, and if so, what kind? Identify the distortion if you can.

2. What piece of information or aspect of the situation might you be missing that’s causing you to perceive things this way? 3. What would be a more positive, accurate, and empowering way for you to look at it? You may not have a good sense of how to answer this last one yet, but go ahead and take a stab at it. We’ll cover it more specifically in the next chapter. Learning to be watchful of your thoughts is an incredibly useful habit to have. Pay attention to what’s going on in your mind, what kind of thoughts you’re having, and what kind of self-talk is going on. And when dysfunctional, distorting selftalk comes up, interrogate it systematically. Then you’ll know for yourself whether there’s really something behind it or if it’s just a puff of smoke. Notice how you feel when you’re stuck in negative self-talk. Are you happy? Sad? Nervous? Confident? And so on. Write it down. How about your life: Is it keeping you from doing what you’re doing? Suppose you had negative selftalk about presenting an idea to your boss. After you talked to yourself that way, did you present your idea or did you back down?

Chapter 4: Positive Self-Talk

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he number one advantage of positive self-talk is that you avoid the downsides of negative self-talk.

That might not sound like a very good deal, but when you think about it, negative self-talk is associated with stress, anxiety, depression, rumination, and low self-esteem. So if you suffer from one, a few, or all of those (and we all do to some degree), imagine not having that. Imagine not feeling constantly stressed, overwhelmed, or outmaneuvered and outgunned by life’s challenges. The absence of the negative is actually a hidden, silent positive. It leaves no testament of itself, makes no statement. All those bad things that could be in your life but aren’t will never leave a record of their nonexistence. You don’t get an email in your inbox every morning that says, “Good news! Your house hasn’t burned down, you haven’t been swallowed by lava from an erupting volcano, and you also don’t suffer from crippling lack of confidence in your decisions.” But it is important to be aware of the absence of the negative. It’s important to sometimes think to yourself, “I’m fortunate to have a functioning pair of kidneys.” Otherwise, it never occurs to you to appreciate the good things that you have and the bad things that you

don’t have, until you’re already hooked up to a dialysis machine. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying if there’s an absence of stress, anxiety, depression, and so on that everything will be rosy and you’ll always feel cheerful. You won’t. The absence of negative emotion doesn’t necessarily mean the presence of positive emotion. But the absence of negative emotion is itself a good thing and worth working toward. I’m also not saying that if you work on positive self-talk, you’ll never experience stress or any negative emotion. You definitely will experience those things on occasion. And, actually, it’s good to experience stress sometimes because it improves your health and makes you live longer. In fact, if you never experienced any stress at all, it would mean you weren’t challenging yourself enough, that you weren’t stepping outside of your comfort zone, that you weren’t giving your life any of the kind of friction it needed to generate heat, energy, and growth.

Challenge or Threat? That brings us to the most important difference between positive and negative self-talk: Negative self-talk views stressors as a threat. Positive self-talk views stressors as a challenge. If you’re engulfed in negative self-talk, you’re robbing yourself of agency in the face of life’s suffering and difficulty. You’re like the dog that just lies down on the electrified floor and doesn’t even try to jump the fence. If you’re harnessing positive self-talk, you’re taking authorship of

your own being and actively writing your story as its events unfold. You are, moment to moment, claiming your free agency and constantly giving birth to a new self. There’s a way to do that optimally. It’s no good to avoid challenges altogether, because then you’re basically just a baby. You’re not a fully formed human being because you’re just living for momentary pleasures and short-term rewards. Two-year-olds do that. But it’s no good either to take on monstrous challenges that overwhelm you because if the challenge is too big, let’s face it, you’ll probably fail. Then you’ll feel like a failure, which will just destroy your confidence and set you up for the next failure. Most of us have some sense of where our limits are and it’s easy to imagine things we wouldn’t be able to handle. Reconciling general relativity and quantum mechanics? Yeah, probably not going to pull that one off. You ideally want to hit a sweet spot where you’re challenging yourself, but not extremely, so that you have a pretty good shot at winning. But the challenge also has to be hard enough that it forces you to grow and develop your abilities. Some fine-tuning is involved. Think of it like a guitar string. If you tune it too tightly, the pitch gets higher and higher until it snaps. But if you tune it too loosely, the pitch gets lower and lower until the string just rattles against the frets and sounds like nothing. Your own emotions are like the sound of the guitar string. They’ll tell you if you’ve got the balance right. When you’re facing challenges without pushing yourself too hard and also without being too soft on yourself, you’ll feel positive, interested, attentive, and engaged. You’ll have a sense that what you’re doing matters.

But if you’re pushing too hard, you’ll feel panicky, nervous, overwhelmed, and overstretched. And if you’re being too soft, you’ll feel boredom at first. And if it gets really bad, a creeping malaise, a crawling emotion of uneasiness, dread, and rot, accompanied by a nagging sensation that you’re wasting your life. So that’s how you know when you’ve hit the sweet spot and when you need to make adjustments. Your mind is an instrument. Be like a musician and tune it often and well.

Self-Leadership A 2013 study of effective and ineffective senior executives had them write letters to their future selves.43 The researchers took these letters as indicative of the kind of self-talk the executives had. They also took effective leadership as predicated on good selfleadership – basically discipline, self-management, and taking challenges that are intrinsically motivating. Self-leadership is pretty much the same as the self-agency we talked about earlier: taking authorship of yourself and your life. They defined positive or constructive self-talk as “characterized by accurate self-analysis, well-grounded beliefs, and an encouraging orientation” and negative self-talk as “a tendency to focus on and perseverate about the negative aspects of challenging situations.” What they found, of course, is that the effective leaders and, therefore, those who have good self-leadership, also exhibited positive self-talk in their writing to themselves. Positive self-talk was further found to have a positive correlation to creativity and problem solving. They wrote letters to their future selves that were motivating, self-compassionate, reflective, and perceptive.

Positive self-talk was connected to stronger leadership qualities and lower job-related stress. Negative self-talk was connected to weaker leadership and lower creativity and problem solving. Whereas managers with negative self-talk saw problems as worrisome obstacles, those with positive self-talk saw them as challenges that contained opportunities.

Self-Deception and False Positivity At this point, you may have some doubts about positive self-talk. It may seem like it’s all about cheerleading for yourself, telling yourself that you can do it, making cheesy self-affirmations, and so on. Isn’t that, well, bullshit? Doesn’t it sometimes become lying to yourself? No, actually, and here’s why. Positive self-talk is not about telling yourself that you can do things that you can’t. It’s not about pretending that something is the case when it isn’t. Let’s call that the trap of the false positive. Just like a false positive on a diagnostic test, it indicates that something is there when it isn’t. You don’t want to fall into that trap, because it will make you believe you’ve achieved something you haven’t really achieved. And if you fool yourself into thinking you’ve already achieved a goal, even though you haven’t, then you won’t try to achieve it, even though you should. Consider the following example. You’re overweight, you know it, and you don’t want to be. The negative mode of self-talk would say, I’m so fat and probably many other adjectives, too: ugly, unattractive, etc. It’s clearly not good

to just heap scorn on yourself, because all it does is make you feel helpless. If you feel helpless, you won’t do anything about it. The false positive mode of self-talk would say, I’m in perfectly good shape. I don’t need to change anything. But something tugs at your mind from inside. It’s the nagging, persistent knowledge that you’re fooling yourself. You can’t really be satisfied with self-deception because, on some level, in order to lie to yourself, you have to know that you’re lying. Because if you don’t know that you’re lying, you’re not lying, you’re just wrong. The true positive mode of self-talk would say: I want to lose ten pounds, and I know what I need to do to achieve it. Notice how in the true positive mode of self-talk, you’re neither lying to yourself nor are you beating yourself up. You’re honestly acknowledging that you’re not where you’d like to be. But you’re doing so in a way that states where you would like to be specifically. And you’re also affirming your own ability to get there. Truly positive people are: 1. Realistic about themselves, 2. Specific about what they want and how to get it, and 3. Confident about their ability to achieve their goals. Notice how this fits the definition of constructive self-talk offered in the study above: “accurate self-analysis, well-grounded beliefs, and an encouraging orientation.”

Examples of Self-Talk At this point, you get the idea, but it’s helpful to look at specific

instances. So let’s get concrete with some examples that will help bring things into clearer focus. Negative: If I speak during this meeting, I might say something dumb and make a fool of myself in front of the higher-ups. I should just stay quiet. Positive: You have interesting and worthwhile ideas to bring to the table. If you share them, the higher-ups can evaluate them for themselves. If they like them, great! If not, no skin off your back. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Negative: This hobby of mine is just a side thing, really. I’m just an amateur. It would be embarrassing to show the things I make to strangers. Positive: Your non-work interests might be interesting to other people, also. Get your ideas and creations out there and see what happens. You could meet a lot of interesting, like-minded people who help you improve. Hell, maybe you could even turn it into a business! You won’t know until you try. Negative: I can’t believe he didn’t return my phone call. Now I know he’s blowing me off and just doesn’t respect me. Positive: Maybe something big came up or he’s just swamped and couldn’t get around to it yet. Who knows? Give it a bit more time before jumping to conclusions. Negative: She’s always doing this to me, always bickering about stupid crap. I’m so sick of her pettiness. Positive: Yes, it’s super annoying when she overreacts, but let’s be real: don’t you sometimes overreact too? And overreaction isn’t the only thing she does. She also helps out with a lot of things. Maybe you should try talking to her calmly and with sympathy, figuring out what she’s upset about, and coming to a solution.

Negative: I’m too busy to learn an instrument. Positive: You choose how to allocate your time outside of work. If it’s important to you, you can make some time for practice – even if it’s only 15 minutes. You might notice a couple of things about these examples. First, they don’t really deal in facts, although it might feel that way when you’re caught up in your own self-talk. But the truth is it’s heavily laden with value judgments, not facts. And value judgments are subjective. Instead of asking yourself the question, are these value judgments true, ask yourself the meta-question: Are these value judgments valuable? Are they useful? In other words, do they get you anywhere, do they motivate you, and do they help you or hinder you? Some value judgments will be useful and some won’t be. Stick to the ones that help you. Second, the negative self-talk examples frame things in a way that doesn’t admit any solutions or forward momentum. The common theme they present is: It’s useless, so don’t even bother. But the positive self-talk examples frame things in a way that approaches things in an open-minded manner that allows for creative problem solving. Positive self-talk is curious, action-oriented, and probing; it’s interested in feeling out the texture of life and learning how to work with it practically. It frames things, not in a naively optimistic way, but in a realistic cost-benefit analysis. By weighing the pros and cons practically, positive self-talk helps you make better decisions. To be more precise, the thing distinguishing positive and negative self-talk is not so much the factual content of the thoughts but the

interpretation of situations. That interpretation carries an emotional valence, a positive or negative valuation, and an orientation toward action, passive or active, constructive or dysfunctional. It’s extremely helpful to remember that most of our thoughts, positive or negative, are subjective. There’s no fact to them. Since it’s not a matter of true or false, the important question about self-talk then is: Is it lifting you up or keeping you down? *** So, to recap. One of the biggest benefits of positive self-talk is simply the absence of the negative effects of negative self-talk. But positive self-talk also brings its own positive benefits, namely: stronger motivation readiness to take challenges as opportunities a stronger sense of agency and self-mastery self-empathy and self-care creativity better problem-solving skills

43 .

Rogelberg, S., Justice, L., Braddy, P. W., Paustian-Underdahl, S. C., Heggestad, E., Shanock, L., Baran, B. E…. Fleenor, J. W. (2013). The executive mind: Leader self-talk, effectiveness, and strain. Journal of Managerial Psychology, 28(2), 183-201

Exercise IV Take some of the negative self-talk entries from your journal. In the last chapter, you identified which cognitive distortions are most prevalent in your self-talk, so pay more attention to these. With each entry, look at it closely. How much of it is fact and how much is value judgment? What would be a better way to frame it that is motivating, encouraging, self-empathic, and focused on creative solutions? Write down this new, more constructive version. Keep a running list of negative thoughts whenever you catch them throughout the day and rewrite them in a more positive, constructive way that affirms your agency. Use the three questions from the previous chapter: Is this falling into a cognitive distortion, and, if so, what kind? What are you missing? What would be a more positive, accurate, and empowering way to look at it? As you make an effort to have more positive self-talk, observe your feelings and actions. Does changing your selftalk change the way you feel? In a good way or a bad way? How about your own behavior? When you speak to yourself positively, are you more or less likely to pursue your goals? It’s good to write this all down, but if you don’t have the leisure to do that, just try to work out a more positive version

on the fly, in your head. It’s a good habit to get into.

Chapter 5: Pareto: The 80/20 Rule

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ou might look at your list from Chapter 2, see only negative items, and despair. You might think it’s a hopeless case, that you have far too many negative thoughts, and they’ll never let you go. Well, first of all, stop and look at that thought. Is it based on fact? Sure, you might have all or mostly negative thoughts, but that doesn’t mean you can’t improve yourself. That’s not a fact; it’s a prediction, and a wrong one with no evidence for it. Tell yourself this instead: There are a lot of negative thoughts, but no one ever said this would be easy. I can start small and work on the problem slowly. Sooner or later, it will give. A really good explanation from economics can demonstrate this point. It’s called the Pareto principle. It’s a bit abstract; so first, we’ll describe the general idea and then get into what it means practically. The Pareto principle is a general observation about the unequal shape of some distributions. Vilfredo Pareto was an Italian economist who noticed that, during his life, 80% of the land in Italy was owned by just 20% of the population. Conversely, 80% of the population owned just 20% of the land. This 80/20 apportionment is known as the Pareto distribution.

But the really strange thing about this is that the same pattern shows up everywhere. Most quantifiable phenomena having to do with human society and creative endeavors follow a Pareto distribution, so that it can be described generally: 80% of effects come from 20% of causes. So, in a given economy, roughly 80% of the wealth will belong to 20% of the people most of the time. While the other 80% of the people will own only 20% of wealth. (This explains a lot of income inequality.) If you run a sales team, roughly 20% of the salespeople will close roughly 80% of the sales. And roughly, 20% of your customers will account for roughly 80% of your sales. And roughly, 20% of the products you offer will account for… you guessed it, about 80% of your sales. But it’s not just the human realm that follows the Pareto principle. Vilfredo Pareto got obsessed with this idea and noticed that even in his vegetable garden, 20% of the pea plants produced about 80% of the peas. So it doesn’t just apply to outcomes of human activity, but to the natural world, as well. Another example is Google Scholar. Google Scholar allows you to search for academic articles. Papers with the most citations will turn up at the top of the search results. Well what happened after Google came out with Google Scholar is that it created a Pareto effect, because the top results on Google Scholar tend to gather even more citations, further cementing their place at the top. The bottom results tend to be ignored. And it follows a roughly 80/20 distribution, although it’s more extreme in some cases (for example, 90% of humanities papers are never cited at all).44

The Pareto principle appears to be an instance of what economists call the Matthew effect, which is named after a quote from Matthew 25:29: “For to everyone who has, more shall be given, and he will have an abundance; but from the one who does not have, even what he does have shall be taken away.” In other words, the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. Those who have some money are able to invest it and gather even more money. Their wealth keeps growing. Those who have less aren’t able to use what they have to get more, because their expenses eat most of their income. At the extremely deprived end, people who don’t have a decent set of clean clothes and access to hygienic conveniences such as a shower will run into trouble finding even menial work. As dismal as that sounds, there’s a silver lining, because you can put the Matthew effect to work for you. The thing that the Matthew effect or the Pareto distribution shows us is that things naturally take an unequal shape. They naturally tend to asymmetry. And that asymmetry appears because of momentum. So, as psychologist Jordan Peterson emphasizes in his talks, if you make an effort to improve yourself just a little bit every day, every improvement will build on the previous one. That will become the basis for the next improvement, until it becomes exponentially easier. It will have a runaway parabolic effect. “For to everyone who has, more shall be given.” This doesn’t happen by all at once. You don’t jump from the 80% to the 20%. Instead, you accumulate before you climb.

I said you accumulate, and, in a certain sense, that accumulation is gradual, but it’s effects will be largely invisible until suddenly they’re not. That can be seen from the shape of the Pareto distribution in the image above. There’s a very small, gradual rise, so gradual that you might not even notice it, like watching a plant grow. Then growth takes off dramatically. We know from numerous examples that nature doesn’t move in continuities so much as in leaps and bounds. Evolution proceeds in punctuated equilibria. Species are pretty stable until a change occurs in the environment, which precipitates a sudden adaptation. At the quantum level, electrons also change states abruptly, the quantum leap. Then, if we zoom back out to the macro level, we see the same thing happening in the stock market. A stock goes sideways, experiencing a period of accumulation, before it suddenly commences an uptrend. In personal development also, progress occurs in plateaus and steep rises. You have to go through the accumulation period before you experience the uptrend. Eighty percent of people will give up during

this stage because there’s no visible progress. Without something to show for your efforts, it’s easy succumb to doubt and just throw in the towel. But twenty percent of people will persist through the accumulation phase with a stubborn determination. In the long run, the efforts of determined, disciplined people pay off big time. Do you want to be part of the eighty percent or the twenty percent? The good news is that you’re moving along the Pareto distribution just by practicing the exercises in this book. Every time you reframe your self-talk in a positive way—in a way that decreases negative emotion, increases positive emotion, builds up your sense of authorship of your life—you are building the staircase, brick by brick, that you will ascend. After a point, the staircase seems to build itself, as if miraculously. 44 .

Remler, D. (2014). Are 90% of academic papers really never cited? Reviewing the literature on academic citations (blog). Retrieved from http://blogs.lse.ac.uk/impactofsocialsciences/ 2014/04/23/academic-papers-citation-rates-remler/

Chapter 6: Creating the Right Circumstances for Motivation

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n the previous chapter, we talked about the cumulative effect of small incremental changes in terms of the Pareto principle, and we talked about the discouraging effect when our progress is sometimes invisible to us. I want to expand on the latter theme by talking about motivation. Motivation can be strong or weak. And that changes over time. So, a strong motivation can become weak if you start to think you’re not getting anywhere with your efforts. And a weak motivation can become strong if you find that something you weren’t all that thrilled about surprises you with a reward, whether that’s pleasure, money, or whatever. So the strength of motivation has a lot to do with the expectation of reward but not always. Conviction in an idea or cause can also be very motivating. Sometimes, you labor at something not because you expect a gain from it but because you believe in it. You see it as something that matters, part of something bigger than yourself. Motivation can also be intrinsic or extrinsic. I’ll tell you what that means. If you work a normal job, then you show up every morning,

give your time and labor to your employer, and get paid regularly. Chances are you wouldn’t bother with it if you weren’t getting paid. Even if you really enjoy what you do, you’re still mainly doing it for an external reward. Hence, extrinsic motivation. Extrinsic motivation can also be negative: even when you don’t feel like going to work, you do it anyway because you don’t want the consequences of skipping. Now, imagine if you volunteer your time at a food bank or homeless shelter. You do it because you want to help people who are in need. You feel compassion for people who are suffering. You feel you must do something about it. That’s intrinsic motivation. Or take another example. You spent your whole Saturday playing video games. No one paid you to do that. In fact, you had to buy the system and the games. But you enjoyed it; it was fun. That’s intrinsic motivation. Generally, intrinsic motivation is stronger because the activity that motivates you is inherently satisfying; the reward is the satisfaction you get. But when you’re extrinsically motivated, you have to keep reminding yourself why you’re doing something, because the reward and delayed. But motivation is tricky because it can conflict. So, say you’re an avid collector of My Little Pony, or you want to be, but you’re afraid of what your friends will think about your hobby. Here you have an intrinsic motivation – your interest in collecting a toy – pitted against an extrinsic motivation – social pressure to fit an established role, namely that of an adult who shouldn’t have the same interests as a seven-year-old girl.

So what do you do? Maybe you go to conventions to meet other adult fans of My Little Pony, so you don’t feel so isolated, while carefully avoiding disclosing your hobby to others in your social circle, all the while hoping that they never find your cosplay pictures from the convention on social media. Where this conflict gets really perverse is when you’re working on any self-improvement, as you are now by reading this book and trying to change your self-talk. Because you’ll quickly find who is your friend and who isn’t. Your friends are the ones who support what you’re doing and encourage you to make improvements. Now, that doesn’t mean that they never question you, but if they’re happy when you score a victory and improve yourself, then they’re your real friends. Your fake friends are the ones who display odd emotions whenever you have a victory. Instead of cheering you, they might tell you they’re jealous or try to minimize your accomplishment by tearing it down. If you’re trying to quit smoking, your smoker “friends” will offer you cigarette. If you’re trying to quit drinking, the drinkers will say, “Come on, just one beer!” If you start dating someone new, they’ll criticize that person or make you paranoid that he or she is unfaithful. It may even be subtle. For instance, if you’re working on making changes through positive self-talk, they’ll notice that your attitude has become more positive and respond by amping up their negative chatter to fill your head with doubt. So watch out for such people and know who your friends are, especially if you’re working on self-improvement. Because when

you’re trying to go up, there will be people who want to pull you down. Social pressure isn’t all bad, though, and it can be leveraged to improve your motivation. And, let’s face it, sometimes we have bad days. Sometimes, it’s because something particularly bad happened, or sometimes we’re just off. On those days, all our thoughts are negative and we have no energy to put into being more positive. At those times, it’s good to have a true friend around, someone who can lift us up and encourage us when we can’t encourage ourselves. The first trick for leveraging social pressure is to surround yourself with the right people. When you do that, you’ll notice that the way you perceive yourself changes. If you’re around negative people, your thinking and self-talk will become negative. You’ll see the downside of everything, doubt yourself, question the usefulness of even trying. If you’re around positive people, your self-talk will become positive. Your friends who care about you will encourage you with empathy and give you empowering perspectives, and you’ll internalize that in your own thinking and self-talk. The second trick is to announce your plans to your friends. Say you want to lose weight and are planning to start running three times a week. If they care about you, they’ll be interested. The next time they see you, they’ll ask something like, “How’s the running going?” You’ll know they’ll ask that but if you don’t actually follow through, you’ll end up looking bad. So even when you’re feeling unmotivated, you think of how bad you’ll look if you don’t stick to your word. That may

just provide the extra push you need when your motivation is weak. Be aware that social pressure is a double-edged sword. Imagine a novelist who earnestly believes he has at least one great book in him. He’s single-mindedly writing year after year, just waiting for his big break: the publishing deal, the helpful agent, winning the Young Lions Fiction Award. Whenever he goes to a family reunion, relatives ask him how the novel is going. But he can just tell from their tone of voice that they’re judging him. And even worse, they bring up his rich, successful cousin. Did you get any publishing deals yet? No? Well, I’m sure something will pan out. Hey, your cousin Todd is doing great in his position at JP Morgan; he just got a big bonus last month. Did you ever think about a career in finance? You have to have unassailable fortitude to keep up your motivation under such circumstances. So, avoid situations where your motivation may be undermined. Instead, try to bolster your confidence from within. Otherwise, you’ll internalize all of that as negative self-talk and end up undermining yourself. So don’t try to swim against the current in your efforts to change your attitude and your life. Select your social environment so that it will be maximally motivating. Then, your mind will naturally follow, and you’ll just effortlessly have positive, encouraging, empowering thoughts.

Chapter 7: The Self

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e all have an idea of who we are, an image of the person we believe ourselves to be. In other words, we have an identity. We use the words “I” and “me” all the time without stopping to think about what these actually refer to. Well, the more philosophical among you may have pondered that question. But for most of us, it never seemed very relevant. Obviously, I am myself, the person speaking. Who else would I be? Case closed. Not exactly. It turns out to be a bit more complicated than that. We are, after all, animals. We evolved in certain ways. At some point, we picked up the belief in a self, but why? What use does it serve to believe in the self? What is its adaptive function? And how does selftalk relate to that? If self-talk is an evolutionary phenomenon, it’s obviously a human one. After all, self-talk is just an internal form of talk, and talking is something that humans do. So what is the adaptive function of selftalk? If you cut open your skull and started poking around inside your brain, you wouldn’t find anything you could pick out and say, “Aha!

There it is, my self!” In fact, efforts by neuroscientists to find a locus for the self in the brain have produced somewhat confusing results. Without getting into the technical details, the picture that emerges from neurology is that of the self as put together from complicated interactions between multiple parts of the brain. .45 The point is that the self is a complex idea. Our intuition of the self as unitary perspective, a stable reference point, is an illusion. It’s not a single identifiable entity, but a combination of neurological and psychological processes. From a psychological point of view, the self is connected to self-talk, which internally verbalizes your self-perception, how you view yourself, and also the perception of others and things like stressful events. This is obviously a bit abstract and doesn’t seem strictly necessary for survival. But one theory of human intelligence is that it evolved in part so that we could imagine things that aren’t actually happening right now. That’s useful because then you can run different scenarios in your head and let them play out without actually having to expose yourself to danger. If I went bathing in the river right now, how would it turn out? Well, this time of day, there are usually crocodiles. I’d probably get eaten. I should probably stay here in the safety of my hut. Or a more up-to-date example: If I bought some bitcoin, how would that work out for me? I can imagine big gains and I can imagine big losses. If there were a small probability of doubling or quadrupling my investment, or even getting ten times back, that would be

amazing. But I could also lose everything. It could be a complete disaster if I invested all my savings. Well here’s what I can do: I’ll invest only what I can afford to lose. That would be an acceptable risk for such a big potential payoff. You get the picture. It’s a way of performing thought experiments without actually taking risks. Imagining future scenarios obviously takes a lot of mental imagery, but it also involves a good deal of talking to yourself in your head. And that conversation is telling a story about you, a person, moving from point A in the past to point B in the future, and how you get there. Point B is where you want to be. It’s your goal. In fact, we already saw that one of the features of positive self-talk is that it empowers you to reach your goals, while negative self-talk impedes you. So we could characterize negative self-talk as self-talk that fails to perform its adaptive function. Self-talk appears to be a function of two things. One is our ability to run cognitive simulations, and the other is our capacity for language. In order to run these simulations in our imagination, we have to project an image of ourselves, as if we were a video game character. That requires a separation between one’s present, embodied self and the imaginary self. So in a way there’s a distance there, as if two selves are running in parallel. The other side is language. We’ve evolved a propensity for very sophisticated linguistic communication with other members of our species, and that’s turned out to be unbelievably useful. So when you combine these two things together—the distance between your real self and your projected self, and the fact that, as a homo sapiens,

you’re kind of a chatterbox—what you end up doing is talking to yourself. Now it seems that could also be very useful. Because, just as it’s helpful to communicate with other people to get new perspectives and information, it’s also incredibly helpful to get some critical selfdistance

and

examine

your

own

perspectives

by

keeping

communication open with yourself. We think by talking to others and ourselves. But

self-talk

is

only

as

useful

as

the

perspective

you’re

communicating to yourself. If that perspective is disempowering, then it’s worse than useless; it’s actively harmful. If it’s empowering, on the other hand, then you’re optimizing its utility. 45 .

Pfeifer, J. H., Lieberman, M. D., & Dapretto, M. (2007). “I know you are but what am I?!”: Neural bases of self- and social knowledge retrieval in children and adults. Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience, 19(8), 1323-1337.

Chapter 8: Loving Yourself

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ou may have noticed something about all the examples of negative self-talk, both your own and the ones in this book. When you’re engaging in negative self-talk, you’re not doing yourself any favors. You’re overly critical of everything; you’re shooting down all your own ideas, undermining your confidence, even openly insulting yourself. Just notice the nasty, abusive tone of a lot of negative self-talk. It’s pretty weird. In fact, sometimes, you may even treat yourself the same way someone would treat you if they hated you. Strangely, just as there are many selfish people in the world, there are also many people who treat others better than they treat themselves. Just think about it. Would you talk to someone you love in the same way you sometimes talk to yourself? Probably not. And if you would, maybe you don’t really love that person. No, if you were talking to someone you really love, you’d be encouraging and supportive. You wouldn’t inflate their hopes unrealistically or help them hide unpleasant truths from themselves. But you also wouldn’t wither their spirit with constant negativity. You would express that you value their accomplishments and ideas. You would encourage them to work toward the goals that they want to

work toward and that would make their lives fuller and more meaningful. You would do it with kind, motivating words. And you’d empower them with a perspective that gives them agency and helps them take ownership of their life. So why in the world wouldn’t you do the same thing for yourself? Whether it’s a parent or a spouse, a brother or sister, a relative or close friend, you’re also someone who somebody loves, and it would break their heart if they knew that you carry around a voice in your head that disparages you and undermines your life. So perhaps the number one rule for positive self-talk is: Talk to yourself the way you’d talk to someone you love.

Emotional Intelligence Emotional intelligence is an idea popularized by Daniel Goleman. Basically, it’s the ability to discern your own emotions and the emotions of others and to regulate your emotions. It’s also connected to empathy, since empathy allows us both to recognize how others are feeling and to care about it. So with self-empathy or self-love, you will recognize your own feelings and care about your emotional state. Pretty much the whole program of this book will help you develop your emotional intelligence. For example, learning to recognize the cognitive distortions that characterize negative self-talk, learning how to replace negative self-talk with encouraging self-talk, and so on. In the next chapter, we’ll talk about getting to know yourself in terms of personality traits, another key to emotional intelligence. But in this chapter, I just wanted to bring up emotional intelligence in the sense of making friends with yourself by learning how to recognize how

you’re feeling and to care for yourself as you would a loved one. If you want to learn more about emotional intelligence, you can find a lot of information in my book on it, Emotional Intelligence Training: A Practical Guide to Making Friends with Your Emotions and Raising Your EQ. It’s available on the Kindle Store, so give it a read.

Present and Future Selves You’ve already heard the Golden Rule a million times: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It’s a cornerstone of reciprocal ethics that tells you to put yourself in other people’s shoes. It tells you to imagine what they want and don’t want and to treat them accordingly. Just like you, they want meaning, happiness, and pleasure, and they don’t want meaningless suffering. There’s another version of this rule that rarely gets mentioned, and that is: Do unto your future self as you would do unto your present self. How is that a version of the Golden Rule? Well, it just so happens that people tend to think of their future selves as if they were entirely different persons from their present self! So for example, in one study, Princeton psychologists asked test subjects to choose how much to drink of a repulsive, foul-tasting concoction. Subjects were divided into different groups. In one group, they chose how much they themselves would drink. In a second group, they decided how much the next participant would have to drink. And in the third group, they decided how much they themselves would drink, only two weeks later. The first group chose to drink a small amount, while the second and third groups chose larger amounts. In other words, when asked to

choose much they would drink in two weeks, a person treated their future self the same as if it were a different person.46 This goes a long way toward explaining why people tend to go for short-term rewards over long-term payoffs. Why do people procrastinate? Well, that’s easy. Procrastination is just avoiding tasks that are presently demanding but will give a reward in the distant future, in favor of activities that give a more immediate reward. And that distant reward is something “someone else” will get, at least the way your brain looks at it. It’s not so surprising when you think about it because “the future” is a relatively high-level abstraction. It might seem pretty basic, but compare that to all other animals. It appears they have only the most rudimentary concept of the future; no creature spends as much time as we do planning and preparing. The ability to think about the future, on the other hand, is a recent, human-specific adaptation. As we talked about in the previous chapter, it’s basically a way of running mental simulations of events that haven’t happened. We don’t take such cerebral abstractions as seriously as we do the here and now, because they’re not real . . . yet. And our tendency to seek immediate rewards in the here and now is much older on an evolutionary timescale, hence, basic to our functioning. “The future” is an artifice of human cognition, a recent graft onto an archaic system. It’s like trying to run the latest version of TurboTax on Windows XP. You might get it to work, but it will be slow as hell, function sub-optimally, and you’ll be sorely tempted to put off doing your taxes on such a crappy setup and just play Minesweeper

instead. The unfortunate result is that we have an innate cognitive bias to favor short-term rewards over behavior with a distant payoff that may never even materialize. That’s where self-love comes in. An empathetic, loving person will follow the Golden Rule and treat others as they would want to be treated. And a self-loving person will treat their future self the same as their present self. That requires discipline and a conscious effort to counter the innate bias toward the present. But the other side of it is that empathy is a capacity that can be developed. And if you develop your empathy for your future self, you’ll have more empathy for others, as well.

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Pronin, E., Olivola, C., & Kennedy, K. (2007). Doing unto future selves as you would do unto others: Psychological distance and decision making. Personality & Social Psychology Bulletin, 34(2), 224-236.

Chapter 9: Getting to Know Yourself Swimming in the OCEAN

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ersonality is a big area of research in psychology. The measurement of personality is called psychometrics. One of the most well-researched topics in psychometrics is the Big Five personality traits. They are openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. An easy way to remember them is the acronym OCEAN or CANOE. Openness means a disposition toward novelty. It includes curiosity, imagination, and a drive to learn and discover new things and seek out new experiences. People who score high in openness appreciate the world of art, ideas, and letters. They tend to be more creative and have bigger vocabularies than those who score low in openness. They’re also more likely to have unusual, even nutty, beliefs and tend to be politically liberal. Those who score low in openness are not interested in novelty and abstraction. They are more pragmatic types interested in “just the facts, ma’am.” In the extreme, they can be dogmatic.

Conscientiousness

has

to

industriousness.

People

do who

with

orderliness score

high

and in

conscientiousness are tidy, well-organized, disciplined, hard-working, and conventional. They tend to be good planners and have a low tolerance for laziness and poor hygiene in others. They also tend to be politically conservative. People who are low in conscientiousness, on the other hand, are messier and not very organized. While they can sometimes be lazy, they are also more flexible and spontaneous. It’s important to note that conscientiousness and openness are not opposites. One can be both open and conscientious or neither. Extraversion is an orientation to the outer world of activity and people (as opposed to introversion, which turns inward and prefers less social activities). Extroverts get a lot of energy and positive emotion from engaging with the external. They also tend to be high-energy and very active. When they’re around others, they come off as enthusiastic. Introverts, by contrast, are less socially involved and prefer quieter activities. This shouldn’t be confused with shyness. They don’t show their excitement so readily. Introverts also tend to be more independent. Agreeableness has to do with sensitivity to others’ feelings and a desire for harmony and cooperation. Agreeable people get along with others easily and tend to be kind,

compassionate, and helpful. Agreeable people are quick to offer compromise. They take the interests of others into account. Those who score low in agreeableness are not necessarily jerks. There’s a place for disagreeable people, too: they stick to their guns and are not afraid of conflict. They’re more self-interested than agreeable people and can veer into being uncooperative and suspicious. But their uncompromising nature can be extremely valuable when it comes time to fight for something important. When you’re putting together a team, not everyone can be Bruce Banner. Somebody has to be the Hulk. Neuroticism, the last trait on the list, is a disposition to unpleasant emotion, especially anxiety, anger, depression, and insecurity. Those who score high in neuroticism are also less emotionally stable and have lower control of their impulses. They have a low tolerance for stress. Those who score low on neuroticism are emotionally stable. They have fewer negative emotions, which doesn’t necessarily mean they have a lot of positive emotions. They just have a higher tolerance for stress and are less likely to experience irritation, depression, vulnerability, anxiety, and so on. Knowing how you land on the Big Five traits is a must if you’re serious about personal development. To be aware of your strengths and weaknesses will help you know yourself. You should also know that while some traits sound negative, they’re not necessarily bad.

Disagreeableness, for example, kind of sounds like being an asshole. But disagreeable people are brave in a conflict. They don’t let others walk all over them. They don’t tolerate manipulation and are apt to fight anyone who tries to screw them over. There’s now quite a lot of data on how personality correlates with different areas of life. Conscientiousness, for example, is a major predictor of success in academia and work,47 consistent across many studies, while neuroticism is a negative predictor.48 Okay, but what does all this have to do with self-talk? Good question. If you’re going to work on your self-talk, it’s helpful to know about yourself. Then you can target areas of improvement. Half the work of finding solutions is knowing the right way to formulate the problem. And with psychometrics, you have a powerful, empirical, predictive tool for doing that. While there’s a lot of evidence that personality is stable over time, there’s also plenty of support for the fact that it’s subject to change. Some of the change just happens naturally with age. For example, as people get older, they tend to become more conscientious and agreeable and less open, neurotic, and extraverted.49 There’s also good reason to believe that individuals can change their personality traits at will, provided that they want to change and that they make a plan and implement it.50 So, to bring this back around, self-talk is the conversation you have with yourself in your head. Paying attention to this conversation can clue you in to patterns of thought and emotion, both constructive and dysfunctional. The Big Five personality traits are dispositions to think, feel, and act in certain ways. Self-talk is part of this bigger

picture, and you can alter your self-talk to make changes in how you think, feel, and act. Neuroticism For example, if you score high in neuroticism, chances are you have a lot of negative, self-critical self-talk. In fact, too much focus on your own self-talk is associated with high neuroticism.51 Knowing this is pretty useful. If you’re high in neuroticism, then you know that it’s probably impeding your performance in your career and whatever goals you have. You also know that while you’ll need to improve your own self-talk, too much attention to your self-talk could actually be counterproductive. So, armed with that knowledge, you know you can benefit from activities that take you out of your head and bring you into your immediate experience. Examples: mindfulness, sports, martial arts, and anything that heightens awareness of your body and your senses. Sometimes, the best way to reform your self-talk is to learn how to change the station and listen to something else. Or just to turn the radio off altogether. More on that later. Agreeableness For another example, consider a high score trait agreeableness. You’re considerate and caring toward others, but the people in your life may not always have your best interest at heart. So if you’re just finding out that you’re high in trait agreeableness, this is a good opportunity to reflect on your relationships with other people. Are they as kind and considerate to you as you are to them? Do they care about your feelings and interests as you care for theirs? Are they taking advantage of you?

Then you can pay attention to what’s happening when you’re around other people. Especially when there’s a conflict between what you want and what they want. Are you just caving to selfish people? And pay particular attention to this: What thoughts are going on in your mind when a conflict comes up? In your self-talk, are you downgrading your own needs? Observe what’s going on in your mind and in your relationships. Then, when you’re alone, take some time to think about what your self-talk would sound like if you were more assertive about your best interest. Research shows that agreeableness is negatively correlated with earnings.52 So disagreeable people actually earn more and get ahead in the workplace. They’re seen as tough negotiators. Part of the reason might be that disagreeable employees aren’t afraid to ask for more money or threaten to quit. So if you’re planning on asking your boss for a raise, you might want to train in some positive, disagreeable self-talk such as, You deserve this promotion, and you’re not going to leave that meeting until they give it to you. Extraversion Decreasing your negative self-talk can decrease your negative emotion. But fewer negative emotions doesn’t always mean a greater number of positive emotions. Positive emotion is strongly associated with extraversion. There’s evidence that this positive emotion comes from more social interaction.53 So an introvert could also gain more positive emotion by being more socially engaged. If that’s something you want to work on, you could alter your self-talk to give yourself a nudge whenever you’re hesitant to jump into a

social situation. Tell yourself, You have something to offer. Put yourself out there. You’re fun/interesting/funny and people enjoy your company. The right self-talk can give you more energy and confidence in your social life. Then you’ll create a feedback loop. The more you purposefully nudge yourself into social interactions, the more you’ll enjoy them and the easier and more fluid they’ll become. Then positive emotion and positive self-talk around your social life will just occur naturally without effort.

47 .

Poropat, A. E. (2009). A meta-analysis of the five-factor model of personality and academic performance. Psychological Bulletin, 135(2), 322-338. 48 . Trapmann, S., Hell, B., Hirn, J. O. W., & Schuler, H. (2007). Meta-analysis of the relationship between the Big Five and academic success at university. Zeitschrift Fur Psychologie, 215(2), 132151. 49 . Srivastava, S., John, O. P., Gosling, S. D., & Potter, J. (2003). Development of personality in early and middle adulthood: Set like plaster or persistent change? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(5), 1041-1053. 50 . Hudson, N. W., & Fraley, R. C. (2015). Volitional personality trait change: Can people choose to change their personality traits?. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 109(3), 490-507. 51 . Poropat, Meta-Analysis. 52 . Nyhus, E., & Pons, E. (2004). The effects of personality on earnings. Journal of Economic Psychology, 26(3), 363-384. 53 . Srivastava, S., Angelo, K. M., & Vallereux, S. R. (2008). Extraversion and positive affect: A day reconstruction study of person–environment transactions. Journal of Research in Personality, 42(6), 1613-1618.

Exercise V Take a Big Five personality test to find out how you score on each of these traits. If you want a comprehensive test developed by qualified psychologists, you can head over to understandmyself.com. It costs money, though, so if you’d rather not drop the shekels, you can take a quicker and dirtier test at www.psychologytoday.com/tests/personality/big-fivepersonality-test for free. Once you’ve got your test scores, write them down somewhere. Then do a writing exercise for each of the five traits. Write down a time in your life when that trait served you well and a time when it let you down. For example, if you’re low in openness, you can write about a time when your pragmatism helped you and a time when your lack of interest in new things made you miss out on something big. Think about what you could have done to make things turn out differently. Imagine how things could have gone better and write that down too. Then take a look at what you’ve written and identify one or two personality areas you’d like to work on. You might want to improve in all five areas, but for now, stick to two at most and at least one. Come up with some affirmations for improving in that area. These should be short, easy to

remember, and powerful. Practice them daily and they’ll be there when you need them. In a pinch, you can repeat them to yourself mentally to steer your self-talk in a positive direction. Examples: “Stand your ground.” “I’m not a doormat.” “Things are better than they look.” “Just breathe.” “There’s another perspective on this.” “I’m allowed to express my feelings.” “I have the discipline and will to succeed.” “I’m going to have fun” “It doesn’t matter what other people think; what matters is what I think.”

Chapter 10: Who’s Talking?

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ost people experience their self-talk as their own voice. When you’re engaged in it, you probably think of your inner communication as you talking to yourself. Which you are, kind of. But as we discussed earlier, the “self” that we think of as a unified, continuous “I” is actually more of a complex network of neurological processes. It is like a community within one person. According to psychologist Charles Fernyhough, author of The Voices Within: The History and Science of How We Talk to Ourselves, “The new science of inner speech tells us that it is anything but a solitary process. Much of the power of self-talk comes from the way it orchestrates a dialogue between different points of view.”54 If you think about it as being like a computer, the self is not a single identifiable being but a self-organizing cluster of psychological programs. One of these programs activates when you’re hungry and is all about procuring food. Another reproduction program activates when you’re presented with an alluring mating opportunity. A fight-orflight program turns on when you’re faced with a threat, releasing a cascade of adrenaline into the body that arouses it into a physiological state suitable for fighting a predator or running away really fast.

It’s kind of like how the various programs, routines, and subroutines that keep a computer running don’t present themselves to view all of the time, but occur in the background. What the end user sees is whatever appears on the screen. But the screen is just a user interface. It’s not what’s really happening under the hood, so to speak, within the circuitry of the motherboard. A computer’s user interface is analogous to the experience of a coherent subject or self. More recently evolved programs have to do with higher cognitive functions, problem solving, narrative formation, and so on. It’s only after such processes are well under way that we form this idea that “I” did this: “I” fought or “I” ran away, “I” was turned on. But if you think about it, it’s not really like that. And since most of our self-talk is telling this same “I” story, we can see it as a convenient fiction. What if we told ourselves a different, more convenient fiction? One very inconvenient aspect of the current fiction—one big design flaw in the user experience—is the way that negative self-talk appears to be The Self. If you’re saying to yourself, I’m too stupid or whatever, then the story you’re telling is that stupid is what you are. But, fundamentally, that’s not what you are. You are as Walt Whitman said: I am large. I contain multitudes. Learned helplessness generates negative self-identifications, but this is just a buggy program. Now here’s where the computer model breaks down. Because it’s not just a simple matter of uninstalling the program. You can’t do that because it’s an entrenched habit, not so easy to get rid of. But you can do an end-run around the negative self-talk by changing the way you think about it.

Don’t think of the negative self-talk as you. Think of it as being like a family member you have no choice but to see every holiday, someone irritating but goofy and harmless. Give it a name. Think of it as a foolish, nagging voice that bugs you sometimes. When that unwelcome visitor comes into your head, just tell yourself Oh, Uncle Vernon is just blathering on and on again. The reason this works is that it creates a critical distance between negative self-talk and your identity. When you stop identifying with the inner monologue, especially when it’s negative and critical, it loosens its grip on you. It becomes no more important than any other noise. This is also the principle behind the next chapter.

54 .

Fernyhough, C. (2017, July 16). Talking to ourselves. Scientific American, 217, 76-79.

Exercise VI Take another look at what you wrote in Chapter 2 when you put your positive and negative self-talk on paper. We’re going to be working with what you wrote in the negative self-talk list. Imagine a character, someone to whom you want to attribute your negative self-talk. It works better if the character is clownish and funny rather than mean or threatening. That way, it’s an object of ridicule you can laugh at. Rewrite each thought or piece of self-talk as if the character had spoken it. What would your reply be if someone said that to you? Write that down, too. This will give you a jump-start to using the naming technique on the fly in your ongoing inner dialogue. Spend at least some time (a day, two days, or a week) practicing naming your self-talk. Note any changes in how you feel, your level of self-confidence, and your outcomes in areas of your life.

Chapter 11: What’s in a Pronoun?

I

n the previous chapter, we talked about how identifying your negative self-talk as another person’s voice can help create distance from it, so you don’t identify it with yourself and get caught up in it. In this chapter, we’ll talk about an easy cognitive hack that allows you to do the same thing from the other side. I’ll explain what I mean by that in a bit. But first, take a minute to think about your own self-talk right now. What pronouns do you usually use? Probably I, me, my, and mine, which are first-person singular pronouns. Recent research indicates that it would be much more helpful to use non-first-person pronouns. You could talk to yourself using the second-person pronoun you or the third-person he or she. Or you could just use your own name: Come on, Julie. You can do it. Or Take it easy, Dan. Don’t overreact. A good example is when LeBron James switched teams in 2010. He famously said at the time, “I didn’t want to make an emotional decision. I wanted to do what was best for LeBron James and what LeBron James was going to do to make him happy.” It struck many

people as a weird way of speaking at the time. They thought he might be a bit soft in the head, jumping from the first to the third person like that. But thinking and speaking of yourself in the second or third person really does turn out to be a good way to distance yourself emotionally from a situation and make better decisions. And it’s supported by solid research. It works the same way as the previous chapter’s trick, by creating distance between yourself and your thoughts. This facilitates emotional regulation and self-control. Let’s break that down. First, non-first-person self-talk helps with selfdistancing, also known as de-centering, which means “a process that allows clients to think objectively about irrational thoughts” and helps them to observe their feelings without getting swept away in them.55 Furthermore, it eases stress and anxiety in social situations. Two different studies showed that research participants who used nonfirst-person self-talk had less anxiety and performed better when asked, respectively, to speak publicly and to make a good first impression on a new acquaintance.56 Other studies showed that nonfirst-person self-talk allows you to view future stressful situations not as threats, but as challenges that you feel capable of meeting.57 These studies concluded strongly that non-first-person self-talk is powerful in mitigating anxiety in stressful situations. Another pair of studies measured the brains of people who were instructed to reflect on negative memories. The control group was told to think about the past with self-talk in the first person, I and me. The other group was told to reflect on negative memories with non-

first-person pronouns. The studies showed that the non-first-person pronoun group had less brain activity associated with emotional reaction while also availing more cognitive control.58 This is cutting-edge psychological research that’s less than four years old, and it has huge therapeutic potential for helping people take charge of their lives. It’s a tremendously useful finding for anyone who’s working on personal development because usually self-control takes a lot of practice and effort to overcome emotional reactivity. By talking to yourself in the second or third person, you can actually achieve self-control and emotional regulation with very little effort.

55 .

Kross, E., Bruehlman-Senecal, E., Park, J., Burson, A., Dougherty, A., Shablack, H., Bremner, R., Moser, J., & Ayduk, O. (2014). Self-talk as a regulatory mechanism: How you do it matters. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 106(2), 304-324. 56 . Ibid. 57 . Ibid. 58 . Moser, J. S., Dougherty, A., Mattson, W. I., Katz, B., Moran, T.P., Guevarra, D., Shablack, H., Ayduk, O…, Kross, E. (2017). Third-person self-talk facilitates emotion regulation without engaging cognitive control: Converging evidence from ERP and fMRI. Scientific Reports, 7(1), 4519.

Exercise VII As before, take the two lists you wrote down in Chapter 2. This time, rewrite them without using first-person pronouns. This is a practice round for actually going live with the third-person trick. You guessed it, now we’re going to actually practice it for some time. Be LeBron James. And don’t forget to take stock of the results: How does it make you feel? Act? Perform?

Chapter 12: Turning Down the Volume

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e’ve talked a lot about the downsides of negative selftalk and the upsides of positive self-talk. And while it’s extremely important and powerful to work on practicing positive self-talk, it’s not always healthy to keep the focus inside yourself. Working on self-talk could become an exercise in navel gazing. Sometimes, it’s good to just get out of your head. That’s what I call turning down the volume. It’s not really a matter of stopping your thoughts or your self-talk. It’s more a matter of deliberately paying attention to something else. An excellent method is meditation, especially mindfulness of the breath. (If you want to learn more about meditation, I go into much more detail and depth in my other book on mindfulness and success, Mindfulness: The Most Effective Techniques: Connect With Your Inner Self to Reach Your Goals Easily and Peacefully. It’s definitely worth reading if you want a practical how-to for mindfulness as a way to live your life. You can find it on the Kindle Store.) One of the benefits of meditation is that it creates a gap between awareness and thought, between you and your self-talk. That gap is something you can experience as a refreshing, vivid sense of spaciousness. It’s worthwhile to practice spending time in

spaciousness. The most immediate reason meditation helps is that it changes your relationship to your thoughts. It allows you to dis-identify with negative self-talk. In meditation, you learn to just let your thoughts be without accepting or rejecting them. So negative self-talk becomes neutral, neither good nor bad, just there. It’s just a background noise in your head. Once you relate to it that way, it loses some of its potency to hook you and drag you down. The other side of it, which you might not expect, is that it also changes the way you relate to positive self-talk. Positive self-talk also becomes neither good nor bad, just part of the background pattern of thought. You don’t take it too literally because you’re not identifying with it. This means it becomes harder to fool yourself with false positivity. Even though it creates a kind of “neutral” space, there’s an unexpected side to that. Ironically, it makes you much more positive. You begin to cultivate a very genuine, fresh, and natural wellspring of positivity and wholesomeness within yourself. You get to know yourself directly and nakedly without constructing narratives, concepts, and models. So, to conclude this book, how you talk to yourself is very important, but it’s also important to stop talking to yourself sometimes. Listen to the silence. Feel the touch of the air on your skin. Feel the warmth of the sun, really see the brightness of the light and the softness of the shade, and experience the rich tapestry of colors, shapes, smells, tastes, and sensations. And as you transform your negative self-talk into positive self-talk,

and then go beyond that into the part of your awareness that isn’t talking about the past or future, that’s just being in the now, a whole new dimension of life will open up to you. Good fortune!

Addendum: Specific Applications Mistakes Remember that Nassim Taleb quote from earlier? “A loser is someone who, after making a mistake, doesn’t introspect, doesn’t exploit it, feels embarrassed and defensive rather than enriched with a new piece of information, and tries to explain why he made the mistake rather than moving on.” It’s a variation of something you’ve already heard a thousand times: Learn from your mistakes. You’ve probably heard it so often you’ve become immune to it. Except that it’s true and there’s a lot of value in restating the obvious. If you don’t ever remind yourself of the obvious, you forget it, and it turns out that it’s pretty important not to overlook the obvious. This is a process, and you’re going to make mistakes. That’s okay. It’s better than okay, it’s very valuable. Don’t look at your mistakes as a personal failure. Look at them as important feedback from your environment. Each mistake contains information that will help you adjust your approach before you try again. So go ahead and make mistakes, gather information from them, tweak your methods, try again, make mistakes again, rinse, repeat, until you get it right. Then keep doing that to make sure you really did get it right and it wasn’t just a fluke. There’s a word for this methodology. It’s called science.

Inculcate this attitude. Make it the way you talk to yourself. Okay, so that didn’t work, why not? Maybe it’s because you didn’t use enough of this. Okay, adjust that and try again. Recipe for success. With each mistake, ask yourself, What can you learn from this? What information does this give you? Okay, that’s one interpretation. Can you think of any other interpretations for why things went wrong? Okay, now you have a couple of ideas. How can you do things differently? Try that and see.

Health and Exercise We talked about this before in the motivation chapter. Like it or not, we humans are status-seeking animals. And the judgments other people make of us can be incredibly motivating, for better or for worse. Hopefully for better, but that depends on how you select your environment. If your goal is fitness. You want to eat healthy, exercise, lose weight, get toned. Great. Now let’s imagine two scenarios. First, you buy equipment and keep it in your home. You’re motivated enough to get on the rowing machine every day. But since you’re alone in your basement, no one is there to see you get tired after three minutes, clamber off the machine, huffing and puffing, and go sit on the sofa. Scenario number two is you get a gym membership and start going to the gym several times a week. You see the same people again and again and start getting friendly with them. You’re on the Stairmaster, pumping away, and feeling pretty tired, like you might

give up. But you’re also keenly aware of the very fit, very attractive person of your preferred gender on the Stairmaster next to you. You don’t want to look bad in front of him or her, so you push yourself harder and break through your resistance to complete a nice workout. As we discussed earlier, you contain multitudes. One part of you is the motivation that wants to strive toward a distant goal (delayed gratification) and that part of you is willing to put up with some shortterm deprivation, going on a diet, in return for the long-term prospect of improving your health and looking better. Then there’s another part of you that just wants to say, “Screw it” and tear into a bacon double quarter-pounder with cheese. Then there’s another part of you that just wants to plop down on the sofa and go through five straight episodes of Punisher on Netflix when you’ve already scheduled this time for the gym. But there’s also a part of you that wants the approval and good opinion of your fellow humans, and if you know that’s motivating you, you can use it to your advantage. Self-talk can help you with your goals, but it will be a lot easier to work on your self-talk if you set up the right kind of incentives in your environment. But you also need the self-talk part of the equation. You need an inner dialogue that doesn’t say, This is so heavy; I’m going to drop it but tells you, instead, You can do this, just one more rep! Okay, now another rep! Not Oh God, I’m so tired but This isn’t so bad; in fact, it’s kind of

invigorating and you’re really liking the dopamine. You’ve got at least another mile in you.

Wealth and Career Wealth is a tricky area of human life because it’s so tied up with status, and we status-seeking animals care a lot about where we end up in the pecking order. So, when you don’t have wealth, you’re likely to be all too conscious of your low relative status. And you’re also likely to suffer from the low self-esteem that goes hand-in-hand with negative self-talk. That just further cements your position by discouraging you from changing it. You need a certain amount of confidence and motivation to change, which you won’t have if you’re stuck in the vicious cycle of feeling lousy about yourself. The thing about our perception of status is that it’s based on relative, not absolute reference points. So a multimillionaire who rubs shoulders with billionaires will feel the sting of low relative status. Put that guy in the same room with a bunch of rich people who are, nevertheless, not as rich as him, and he’ll be feeling pretty good about himself. This is another area where selecting your social environment can be useful. But you want to get it right. You don’t want to select an environment where you’re the top dog and nobody is better than you at anything, because then you’ll never feel the need to challenge yourself. But you don’t want to end up in an environment where you’re at the bottom of the pyramid, either, because then you’ll just feel defeated all the time. So, try to be around people of similar, though not exactly the same,

ability and status as you, with some error around the margins. Then learn everything you can from those people to better yourself. One way you can work on this with self-talk is to make a point to remind yourself of everything you have whenever you’re thinking of what you lack. You might have a really great house or flat, nice furniture, fashionable clothes, a decent paycheck, etc. It doesn’t have to be a rich and sumptuous situation, but you should still take the time to appreciate and feel glad for the wealth that you do have. Chances are, it could be worse; it could be a lot worse. And if you doubt that, just take a drive through a poor neighborhood. Maybe all you have is a sound mind and a body in good health. Well, those are assets. You’re going to need that intelligence and health to acquire wealth. You should introspect about how to get to your wealth goals. Maybe you’re just looking for a raise. Then you have to tell yourself, You’ve been working hard, your results are great, and that deserves a reward. You’re going to go into that office with your back straight and head held high. And you’re going to convince your boss of what you already know, that you deserve that raise. Or maybe you’re thinking of starting a business. That can be a daunting leap to make, and you’ll need some self-confidence. You have the brains and the business sense to do this. You have a good idea for a business and it has a good chance of success. So what are you waiting for? Set some concrete goals, make a plan XYZ of what you need to do to reach them, and go for it! Or maybe you’re trying to figure out why you’re not getting ahead in your career. There’s a right way and a wrong way to think about that.

Here’s an example of the wrong way: The game is rigged against me. I can’t get ahead in this environment because I’m not invited to the club. Instead, think about what is required for success. One thing is intelligence. Two other important predictors are conscientiousness and agreeableness, as we talked about earlier. Try to figure out if you need to work on one of these things. Maybe you’re not being assertive in trying to get a promotion or a better job; maybe you’re not selling your achievements confidently. You have to tell yourself, It’s okay to be disagreeable sometimes. You have to fight to get ahead. You can be assertive without being aggressive and off-putting.

Relationships If you’re on the dating scene, you have to have confidence. Don’t think that only the other person is sizing you up. You’re also sizing them up, and rejection is part of the process. So instead of thinking: How’s my hair? Is this shirt too loose? God, that pimple on my nose is so ugly. I can’t believe I just told that joke; it’s so lame. She/he is just pretending to laugh, what an embarrassment. Think of it this way: You’ve got a lot of things going for you. You’re goodlooking, smart, witty, have a lot of interesting things to say, have good manners, know how to treat people with respect, have a strong personal ethic, have a good job, etc. Think about all the categories in which you’ve got it going on. You’re the buyer, not the seller in this market. You can afford to be choosy. Then tell yourself, If they don’t appreciate all that, there’s someone out there who does. You’re much more interested in the person who does. Of course, there’s a lot more to successful dating than that, but the right kind of self-talk really sets the right tone and helps you bring an

attractive confidence. It also helps you bounce back from painful episodes. If you’re in an established relationship, there are only two possibilities: you’re with someone who treats you well or you’re with someone who doesn’t treat you well. If it’s the latter, don’t hesitate to leave them. Don’t tell yourself that you don’t deserve better, or that you can’t find anyone, or that you’ll be lonely. Instead, tell yourself that you have a lot to offer and you have to be kind to yourself, also, not just to the other person. You owe it to yourself to leave anyone who doesn’t respect you. If you’re in a relationship that’s going well, however, well, then fantastic! It’s pretty easy to be positive about that. I’m lucky to be with him/her. Sure, we have a disagreement sometimes, but they really make me feel happy and cherished. And they’re always there for me in the hard times. But remember, the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. So talk to yourself the same way you talk to the person you love. One last thing before you go – Can I ask you a favor? I need your help! If you like this book, could you please share your experience HERE on Amazon and write an honest review? It will be just one minute for you (I will be happy even with one sentence!), but a GREAT help for me and definitely good Karma . Since I’m not a well-established author and I don’t have powerful people and big publishing companies supporting me, I read every single review and jump around with joy like a little kid every time my readers comment on my books and give me their honest feedback! If I was able to inspire you in any way, please let me know! It will also help me get my books in front of more

people looking for new ideas and useful knowledge. If you did not enjoy the book or had a problem with it, please don’t hesitate to contact me at [email protected] and tell me how I can improve it to provide more value and more knowledge to my readers. I’m constantly working on my books to make them better and more helpful. Thank you and good luck! I believe in you and I wish you all the best on your new journey! Your friend, Ian

Productivity and Peak Performance Secrets to Extraordinary Focus, Efficiency, and Time Management from the World’s Top Performers

Introduction

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eak productivity is not just a process nor is it an end goal. It is the result of knowing what you want to do and who you want to be—it is how you finally realize your dream.

Not many of us believe this is possible because pop culture has taught us to share the same dream. But those of us who are able to aspire to peak performance are those who dream differently. These are the Elon Musk’s of the world, the men who make science fiction a reality, who teaches us that the universe is at our disposal if only we believe it to be true. How is it that there are some people that accomplish in a lifetime what many of us believe to be possible only in fiction? It seems like they are The Chosen Few, the ones who have the unique code and somehow we missed the memo. Think about it. If you search online, the same names crop up. Mohammad Ali. Albert Einstein. Elon Musk. Steve Jobs. Serena Williams. Oprah Winfrey. Stephen Hawking. Bill Gates. The men and women who defied all odds and somehow came up with something that shattered our perceptions, if not physics. These names are then followed by countless articles about how many books they read in a year, how important they think it is to spend time with family and nurture relationships, where they vacation etc.

We then begin to imitate them. We wake up at 5:00 a.m. to exercise because that’s what successful people do. We drink black coffee before we work out and we follow rituals that we find online. We do this without question because we believe that this is what led to their success, and so that is what will lead to ours too. Who needs a divine intervention when you now have the internet to give you all the steps you need? And yet somehow, these black coffees and 5 a.m. workouts cause us mental fatigue. We haven’t yet had any mind-bending ideas and all the ideas from all the books we’ve read seem to be slipping out of our heads. Not to mention all that caffeine is making our eyes twitchy. Somehow, amidst all the internet babble, we have begun to fall for the same cookie cutter dream. Somehow, in our attempt to be different, we have all ended up the same. We have begun to aspire for the same success that these people accomplished, forgetting that they did it not by being followers but by having the audacity to be different. You have that audacity too, if only you allow yourself the privilege to be yourself. Your success is not a result of following somebody else aimlessly. Your success lies in understanding who you are and who you want to be. Where we end up is often a result of this understanding. These might seem like empty words, or it might be something that you acknowledge already. You’re not here to read what you already know. You might be here because you are feeling lost and aimless and you don’t know where to start.

Good. It’s from this place of confusion that you will find clarity. Don’t worry. It exists somewhere inside you; it has since you were young. Children are intelligent mainly because they are open to experiences. No one has yet told them what they can and can’t accomplish, or if they have, they are not ready to listen to a “no” just yet. They are wide-eyed and curious. You were this way too once, but somewhere down the road you lost your way. Have you ever seen someone telling a little child who’s just learning to walk, “Did you just collapse again? You are so bad at walking! You will never walk, it’s just not for you! You will crawl forever!” Why are our self-expectations so unrealistic in our adult life? It is time to find your way again. It is time to make your dreams infallible. This does not mean you will not stumble, nor does it mean that you won’t make mistakes. All it means is that your failures will redirect you to do things differently. Your mistakes will make the road to your destination clearer. You will learn what you need to do to make the ride easier. You will find the joy in living again. At the end of the day, isn’t it the journey itself that makes the destination exciting? If you are still unconvinced, I understand. I was like you once. I had fallen for the same dream, and the longer I stayed, the deeper I sunk, the more convinced I was that there was no way out. When I landed my first corporate job in an oil and gas company, I thought I had struck gold. My friends were struggling to find a job

that paid them enough to make ends meet while at age 25, I was getting paid what many people got paid in managerial positions. I learned quickly, I made a good impression, I introduced new and quicker ways to do tasks. Everything was well and good until I received my first jolt when my boss changed. I had outgrown many of my tasks and was eager to learn more, although that’s not how she perceived it. She thought I was trying to upstage her. There is an unspoken rule in the corporate world—you don’t challenge the hierarchy, and eventually, you get your chance to shine. “Challenge the status quo” are internal marketing tactics; no one actually wants to be challenged. I didn’t know it yet, but by asking for more than I had, I had overstepped an imaginary boundary. Soon she stopped taking me to meetings, gave me administrative jobs, and when I asked for more work, I was told to pay attention to the work I already had. With this loss of autonomy, I sensed a loss of self. I found myself wondering what the cost of this “corporate dream” was, but I suppressed those thoughts. This was the dream, the dream that all of us shared, right? I floundered to keep my spirits up and found myself gossiping in the same coffee corner I had vowed not to join. As I stayed on in my job, a lot changed around me, but I stayed the same. Bosses changed, some good, some indifferent, my work evolved, but I found that my level of engagement had a time stamp. The moment I had mastered my tasks, I was back to feeling restless. My body, my mind, and my spirit were all telling me that it was time to step out and look for something that made me happy, but I ignored it to silence the voice inside. Instead, I justified the position I was in. I

spent 9-12 hours a day, 5 days a week telling myself, “Nobody loves their job. It’s a way to make money. That’s all.” I had created my own prison cell—I was miserable, there was no way out, and worst of all, even if I left my job, I had no idea what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. We have all been there. In fact, the difference between us and the people we read about is our inability to overcome the fear of the unknown. The difference is that they accept that the only way to know what you want to do is to try. Can you believe that? The difference between you and the man who discovered The Theory of Relativity was that he did not let the fact that teachers didn’t find him exceptionally talented hold him back59. He thought he’d try anyway. It wasn’t about them, it was about him and how he understood the world. And he understood the world differently, just as we all do. I didn’t quit my job immediately. I began with extensive research and the same names cropped up. Warren Buffet. Elon Musk. Steve Jobs. Then I began to dig deeper, and I discovered names more obscure. Through that, I discovered that there isn’t just one way to the top and everyone’s idea of success doesn’t need to be the same. I stumbled upon Milo of Croton, a man who mastered habits in 540 B.C. and Jack Lalanne, who opened the first fitness gyms in 1936 and swam 1.5 miles at the age of 70. I learned about Vietnamese War veterans who overcame heroin addiction and gave their lives a 180-degree overhaul. And soon emerged the pattern. The pattern of strategy, perseverance, mindset, finding what you love and sticking to it, goal and target setting, concentrating, getting in the

flow, failing, succeeding, falling, and getting up again. I got lost in the magic of other people’s successes, and I discovered the most important secret of all. There is no secret. Our ability to reach our true potential lies in believing that our combination of unique habits and skills will lead us to our purpose. It is multiple skills that work in tandem, yet come together to make us the best versions of ourselves. Flow is a psychological state that we reach once we are completely absorbed in what we do. And that is only possible when we love what we do. I did not love what I did. I quit my job when I was 30. I wanted to be like those who went on the path less travelled. I did not need to spend any more hours researching how to live right. I just had to do it. It’s only when I left the self-created prison cell that I saw the light. This might sound dramatic to you. Maybe you are in the job of your dreams, the corporate dream is a happy reality, and you are just looking for a push in the right direction. This book is for you, too. Whether you are looking for a complete overhaul or a simple nudge in the right direction, this one is for all of us. My story is a familiar one with a simple moral—there is always a way out. I finally recognized that my job was causing a “spiritual burn out,” and I wanted to find something in line with my values. The day I resigned, it was as if a fog had lifted. I found myself watching my boss’s mouth in slow motion. They were telling me to stay because that’s what they had done, not because it was the right decision for me. So I decided to make the difficult choice, the one with a lasting impact. Even though the path was going to be difficult, I was going to take it anyway.

Fast forward a few years (and minor setbacks), I am now a freelance coach, an author, and a HR consult for different companies. More than my accomplishments, what excites me is my ability to find joy in the work I do. And better yet, I found my flow again. Who we are is a result of our daily choices. Once I quit my job, I felt a sense of urgency. The thought of being able to do anything I wanted brought me back to life. But it wasn’t just energy that brought me this far. It was my habits, my skills, and my discipline that combined into what is known as peak performance. Peak performance or flow is not just a fad, nor is it a magical formula that only geniuses are privy to. It has been in use for millennia under one guise or another. The key is to remember that it doesn’t happen overnight. You can experience it daily, but you cannot go from zero to peak. In order to experience it, you need to build steps to reach that point. You need to set the foundation and not be impatient, and that is where I come in. I am going to show you how to use peak productivity and flow to make anything you want come true. I am going to help you understand yourself and your habits and then bridge the gap between who you are and who you want to be. Using my personal experience as well as my experience in coaching and training individuals and companies, I am going to give you a simple step-by-step solution to channel the inner you who needs just a little bit of coaxing. To guide you through the process, I am going to take you through every step and break down some of your biggest barriers to entry regarding peak performance. At this point, I think it’s important for me

to point out the obvious: You are your own barrier. The negative talk that you have mastered and internalized is what is stopping you from achieving your ultimate vision. But it doesn’t need to do that forever. The most freeing thing a human can realize is that his or her destiny lies in his or her hands. That feeling of control itself is exciting. You have the control and the power to transform your life. You have the innate strength to live the life you have always wanted. You can make your own dream job if it doesn’t exist. You can change work into play. The power lies with you. And I am going to help you reclaim it. Isn’t that exhilarating?

59 “Was Albert Einstein Really a Bad Student Who Failed Math?,” The Washington Post, https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/answer-sheet/wp/2016/02/11/was-albert-einstein-really-a-bad-student-who-failed-math/? utm_term=.9b969ff17758

SECTION 1: How to Be the Best Version of Yourself

chapter 1: Navy Seals, Elon Musk, and What You Can Learn From Them

L

et’s start by taking a look at Elon Musk. We share the same twenty-four hours, yet he has managed to accomplish more in 46 years than we even allow ourselves to imagine we can accomplish. Is it just hard work and intelligence that has gotten him to this point? A video about Elon Musk made me reconsider my simplistic understanding of him60, the world, and my place in it. Even if he does work hard and smart, many people do the same. Even if these people work 100-hour weeks, they are still working only two and a half times as much as anybody else. In fact, I was one of the people who slaved for hundreds of hours, and yet did not even make it to a managerial position. I chalked it up to him being a genius, but when I read Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers, I realized that there are many geniuses that exist who do not have the same clout that Elon Musk has. In fact, many people with high IQs often end up in dead-end jobs or floundering careers. Would you believe that the man with the highest IQ in the world is a bouncer? Look him up, his name is Chris Langan61.

So how did Musk end up with the rock star fame that he did? As I continued my research on him, the answer became clear—he had a strong vision that impacted the world. He wasn’t (and isn’t) the most eloquent. He makes many of the mistakes in speaking that I teach organizations and employees to avoid. While he is funny and self-confident, he doesn’t modulate his voice and often fumbles to find the correct word. So how has he made people follow his every move? Elon Musk has five children, runs three companies, and the only way he has been able to manage the impossible is through deliberate practice. He wrote computer programs since he was a child and with time and practice, his work ethic only improved. He set high goals for himself, so lofty that I would have found myself shooting them down if such a thought even crossed my mind. And many times he failed, miserably. He put money behind rockets that didn’t work,he even spent hundreds of millions of his own money and was close to being bankrupt62 to support an idea no one else believed in. When Tesla launched its IPO, investors said that it would do terribly. Even ten years after its IPO in 2010, Mitt Romney still called Tesla a loser. Now imagine that. Working hundred-hour weeks, spending most of your money, and still being publicly ridiculed for having tried. How many of us would have given up by this point? The answer is an uncomfortable one. Elon’s success did not depend on “luck” or a series of fortunate coincidences. His success was a result of his perseverance and his ability to separate his self-worth from his failures. In many of his

interviews, he talks about how failure to do something challenging and exciting would break him, not the failure of the outcome. His purpose in life was to find meaning, to find a reason to get up in the morning, and the only way to do that was to create a vision bigger than himself, something that other people could find inspiring too. In a sense, he wasn’t trying to find himself. Instead, he CREATED himself. And that’s crucial. His vision was so large and so clear that people’s criticism didn’t matter. He spoke extensively about the two futures he imagined for humanity. In one future, we live on Earth until we ultimately destroy ourselves, and the other we create a future where we move to other planets and maybe even go beyond the solar system. He found the latter more inspiring and so he created the vision for SpaceX. Although he has advocated this vision on many forums, his actual goal was slightly different. He wanted to start a smaller project on Mars known as the Mars Oasis that would then spark other people’s vision63. He wanted to paint a desirable future so that man could believe it was within his reach. His dream is comparable to Kennedy’s speech about the moon. These ambitions are worth having not because they are easy, but because they are hard. There’s a lesson to be learned in that. Before you embark on this journey, understand that you will need to step out of your comfort zone. If you are an introvert, speak to strangers. If you find it difficult to be alone, go on a retreat where you have time to be with your thoughts. Explore, travel, meditate, sit in a room—do what works for you and do what you don’t ordinarily do. Fill your head with all kinds

of information. Make time to read. Warren Buffet, Albert Einstein, and Bill Gates are just some of the world’s most influential people who carve out time to read at least a few pages every day. If you ask anyone with a sphere of influence, they will tell you about some book that shaped their lives. For Elon Musk, it was the Foundation series by Isaac Asimov. It is about a scientist who maps out the future of generations and helps people travel to different solar systems and planets. Sound familiar? When I reevaluated my life and choices I knew that my ambitions weren’t as lofty as Elon’s, and they didn’t need to be. I just needed to find my own motivation to wake up in the morning. If you are stuck in a rut, ask yourself a simple question. If you were granted a wish and you could create anything in the world, what would it be? A spaceship? World peace? Flying cars? No matter how ridiculous it seems, let yourself imagine. Most of what we are surrounded by now was impossible to foresee at first. The Kindle on which we read our books, the electric kettle that makes our coffee, the phone we stare at the moment we wake up, everything that we take for granted now was once created in a world where the creators were told it was impossible, or worse, that they were crazy. Before you start telling yourself what is impossible and what isn’t, stop and take a deep breath. Start with something wild. Don’t channel your thoughts, don’t curate your words and ideas. Let it all flow out. Once you have let it all out, then ask yourself what is feasible, or better yet, what is your starting point? And when you see yourself chucking ideas out the window, remind yourself that everything is

feasible with the correct building blocks. You will only follow through on an idea that you are disciplined about if your vision is greater than yourself. Apple was not about Steve Jobs, it was about the iPod, the iPhone, and the Mac, inventions that were slimmer, slicker, safer, and more secure than any other created before. Elon’s vision is also not just about him. There is no “Musk Industry.” There’s SpaceX, Tesla, and a company ironically called The Boring Company. His goal isn’t just to make himself money or win in a competitive environment, the vision is grander than that. His idea is to create sustainable transport whether he is behind it or his competitors. When General Electric joined his competitive landscape, he welcomed the competition and spoke about how this was good for the world. His world view was not us versus them, and he showed the world that by making Tesla’s patents public64. Your vision will only be as inspiring as the number of people it impacts. The Navy Seals are another example of this. Their training is gruelling and requires applicants to be in excellent physical condition even before they are considered65. In order to be eligible, they have to complete the following regimen: PHYSICAL SCREENING TEST Swim

500-yard

breast

sidestroke Push-ups in two-minutes

MINIMUM AVERAGE OPTIMUM or

12:30

10:00

9:30

42

79

100

Sit-ups in two-minutes

50

79

100

Pull-ups no time limit

06

11

25

Run 1.5 miles

11:00

10:20

09:30

This is the minimum requirement that will allow them to START their training with a SEAL mentor. Can you imagine how physically, emotionally, and mentally draining this can be? How many people are able to guarantee this level of commitment? How do they get serious about their ambitions? The lesson is simple—that level of determination comes from a place of deep-rooted purpose. These individuals have committed to a cause greater than themselves. Now the regimen, the discipline, and the demands are just a means to achieve that purpose. They believe that they have the power to change the world and now will do whatever it takes to accomplish that. We all have the same power. Humanity’s collective accomplishments are a result of each human’s individual accomplishment. You may not want to travel to Mars or revolutionize the music industry, but you might want to make one person’s life better, maybe your own. And that is enough to get you started. Think to yourself about what you find fulfilling. What are the causes you find yourself caring about? What are the values that you prescribe to, and who else shares those values? Who could benefit from them? Retreat inside yourself and find the quiet place within that will help guide you to your grand vision. Break down your vision into chunks. I broke down my vision with Elon Musk’s First Principle Analysis.

The First Principle Thinking is an effective strategy to break down a complicated problem and think of an out-of-the-box solution. This method of thinking dates as far back as Aristotle who defined it over 2000 years ago as “the first basis of a thing which is known66,” but it is embodied best through Elon’s creation of SpaceX. When Elon first decided to send a rocket to Mars, he set out to find out what the cost would be. He was immediately confronted with his first hurdle. He learned that the cost of buying a rocket was 65 million dollars. Instead of using this as an excuse to go and find a day job, he tried to think of ways in which he could solve the problem67. He used what he referred to as the physics framework to solve the problem. He broke down a rocket into its constituent parts. This included titanium, carbon, fibre, copper, and aluminium alloys. He then went out to find the price of each individual item in the commodity market. It was there that he learned that the cost of the raw materials was 2% of the typical price. By breaking the problem at hand into chunks, he wasn’t overwhelmed by the enormity of the task, which allowed him to flow and perform at peak levels. He was resourceful enough to build his own rockets instead of buying a finished rocket for millions, and therein SpaceX was born. A few years later, SpaceX reduced the price of launching a rocket by ten times and still made a profit. He broke down the problem to its fundamentals and ended up creating a solution that benefitted both him as well as humanity at large. This is just a way for you to remind yourself not to make any assumptions. You need to dig deeper until you are only left with the

fundamental truth. What is your fundamental truth? What are the ideas that are your own and the ones that you have inherited from your family and friends? You’d be surprised to learn that the ideas that we accept without question are the ones that hinder our creativity. So before we embark on our journey to peak performance, we need to first abandon any previously held notions and look closely at what we are trying to achieve in our lives. We can understand this by understanding ourselves.

60 “Elon Musk: How to Achieve 10 x More Than Your Peers,” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=liJbB_0eCTo 61 https://forward.com/fast-forward/421234/christopher-langan-daily-stormer-alt-right-iq/ 62 https://nypost.com/2018/11/26/elon-musk-tesla-nearly-went-bankrupt/ 63 https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/jp5g8k/spacex-is-because-elon-musk-wanted-to-grow-plants-on-mars 64 https://www.gizmochina.com/2019/02/01/elon-musk-tesla-patents/ 65 https://www.military.com/special-operations/training-to-be-a-navy-seal.html 66 “The Metaphysics,” Aristotle 67 “Elon Musk’s Mission to Mars,” Chris Anderson, Wired

chapter 2: The Importance of Understanding Yourself

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hile self-awareness and mindfulness are used synonymously, there are some subtle differences. Selfawareness is knowing what we are doing and being aware of our strengths and our weaknesses and our personality plus emotions. It is also subjective because no two people view situations the same way. Meanwhile, mindfulness creates a sense of realization and allows us to observe ourselves in situations without judgement. It allows us to look at ourselves on a higher level and this makes our world view more objective. To flow, we need combination of self-awareness and mindfulness can help us make better decisions on a moment-to-moment basis. Let’s consider a regular day at work: You have been made team lead on a high profile project. While this is an exciting opportunity, it also requires you to carry extra weight in addition to your already mounting tasks, most of which are people dependent. You are trying to find the balance between being assertive and being liked. Your work is spilling over to the weekend and you are trying to cram as much as you can within work hours

because post work you have other responsibilities. You haven’t done your laundry, you have to take out your garbage, you need to do the dishes, and if you can muster the strength, you should go to the gym. Many of these tasks were meant for the weekend, but you spent it stressing about your project instead. The stress meant you spent your time eating take out on your sofa while watching Netflix. This is the way you usually “unwind,” but now you are packing on the pounds around your stomach, and it’s making you feel even worse about yourself. As you sit on your desk and lecture yourself on responsibility and growing up, a colleague comes to your desk to ask for help on a task you have already explained countless times. You snap at them and tell them to come back another time; you’re busy. The colleague leaves and now you feel guilty about having a more severe reaction than you needed to. You go to your colleague and apologize and spend the next thirty minutes explaining the task that they could have done themselves. You are now angry at yourself for giving in and have lost even more time. The cycle continues. We encounter many of these situations on a daily basis. From the colleague’s point of view, you were irritable and taking out your frustration unnecessarily. From your point of view, this was accumulated irritation, not only at your colleague but also at yourself for taking on too much. This type of reaction occurs when we think emotionally. We inhibit our actions and operate from a place of fear and judgement. Imagine trying to work with someone breathing down your back constantly— you’re bound to make mistakes because you haven’t allowed

yourself the liberty to flow and feel unrestrained. In order to make better decisions, you first need to understand that the only control you can exert is on yourself. This does not mean that you need to restrict your thoughts. You just need a moment to reflect so that you can strike a balance and operate from a place of wisdom. It is when you are uninhibited that you can perform at your peak. Yet, our first instinct is to operate from a place of judgement. There is a reason for this. We have been judgmental since the time of prehistory, but back then at least it came in handy. Then we were towing with life and death daily so we needed to make snap judgements. But now the world has moved on. Survival is not our primary concern anymore, and so emotions take the lead. Our past experiences cloud our judgement and give every moment a context whether it is correct or not. This is where mindfulness can prevent our past experiences from shaping our present and future. Mindfulness is not a new concept. It dates back to the Age of Consciousness where people were becoming aware of their spirituality. Its origins lie with the teachings of Gautama Buddha, a prince who disconnected from the world because he was disillusioned by the values of those around him. He went out searching for answers, anything to provide him with purpose. He sat under a Bodhi tree, starving himself, and ultimately came up with a revolutionary idea—what we are looking for can be found within ourselves. Our purpose is guided through how connected we are to ourselves and the present moment. All we have is now, not the past where we made mistakes, not the

future which is unknown. Life is a series of choices made in the present and it is through recall and realization in those moments that we define who we are and who we want to be. This helps us set the foundation for flow.

chapter 3: Self-Concept “A self is not something static, tied up in a pretty parcel and handed to the child, finished and complete. A self is always becoming.” – Madeleine L’Engle

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elf-concept is a way for us to understand who we are in the present. It shows us our strengths, weaknesses, beliefs, and our place in the world.

The social identity theory68 is one of the theories used to explain selfconcept and it divides the self-concept into two parts: the personal identity and the social identity. Personal identity is internal and includes personality traits, beliefs, emotions, characteristics, and the like. Social identity is mostly external and is guided by our sexual and religious preferences, education, racial orientation, or other external sub-classes that we can associate ourselves with. Our self-concept begins to form as early as three years old69. We may not register it consciously, but we begin to receive feedback based on our interactions with the world. We learn to cry when we want something, laugh when someone makes funny faces, or throw a fit when we’re hungry. This sets the tone for self-concept. As we

grow, so does our self-concept through both internal and external reinforcement. We begin to form opinions about ourselves and the world tells us who we are supposed to be. This is in the form of our family, community, or even other influences. Sometimes our families feed certain stereotypes, which we carry with us even as we grow older. “Boys don’t cry.” “Don’t run like a girl.” “Girls wear pink and boys wear blue.” While such notions can be dangerous, we thankfully live in a century where many are being addressed. It also helps that self-concept is not fixed. As we grow older, it continues to change. The more we experience life, the more inclined we are to gain a new perspective. We learn to sift between who we really are and what our external forces have been telling us. This ties in with mindfulness because in order to be mindful and self aware, we need to sift between who we really are and what we’ve been told we are. Dr. Carl Rogers, was a renowned American psychologist who was considered one of the founding fathers of psychotherapy and counselling.. He further broke self-concept down into three definitive parts (i.e., self-esteem, self-image, and the ideal self). The three combined make up our personality and determine how we think, how we feel, and consequently how we live our lives. This is also known as the law of correspondence; our external life becomes a reflection of our inner life.

i. Self-Esteem

We are influenced by internal and external factors. Internally, our selfesteem depends on how we feel about ourselves and how we compare ourselves to others. Externally, it depends on the feedback that we get from people and how they react to us. Many people who try different things and fail can have poor self-esteem. Self-esteem is an emotional component and most important in terms of how we think and feel. How we think and feel largely impacts how we conduct our lives. The point is not to control our emotions, but to treat our feelings and thoughts as transient, that way they lose the power to control us. They lose their judgemental quality and create opportunity for us to accept and like ourselves for who we are. The more we like ourselves, the more likely we are to create room for peak performance. This is the source of our energy that determines our confidence and enthusiasm. Once we are confident in our abilities, we are more likely to set loftier goals for ourselves. The higher the goals, the longer we persist in achieving those goals as well. People with high self-esteem are a force to reckon with. The more you respect yourself, the more likely you are to respect the world and the people around you. Arnold Schwarzenegger famously said, “We all have great inner power. The power is self-faith. You have to see yourself winning before you win70.” Glenn R. Schiraldi, the author of The Self-Esteem Workbook, said, “Unconditional human worth assumes that each of us is born with all the capacities needed to live fruitfully, although everyone has a different mix of skills, which are at different levels of development71.” Since the outer world is a reflection of their inner world, many people who are bitter are unhappy with themselves and who they are and so

they project it to the outer world. They limit their progress and their skill set by believing what the world or their inner critic tells them. They limit productivity and their potential right there. There is a simple way to stop this. Stop looking for validation or evidence to prove your self-limiting beliefs. Recognize them for what they are and shatter your false reality. There are a few simple and powerful ways to do this: 1. Silence your inner critic. Raise your self-esteem by silencing that voice inside that tells you what you can’t do. Remember, your mind is not giving you commands, it is merely sprouting opinions, so reshape the dialogue. You can do this by creating a stop-word or phrase in your mind. For example, “You can’t do this job. You’re not qualified, not to mention you are lazy…” Stop. By not letting your inner critic speak, you are learning to divert the train of thought that the inner critic is steering like a manic conductor. The first few times this will be difficult, but silenced enough times, the inner critic will take a back seat. He or she doesn’t like being told he is wrong so she’ll sulk in a corner, but eventually he’ll get off at the next station. And you’ll get your peace of mind back. 2. Motivate yourself positively. In order to silence your inner critic permanently, you need to act now by creating healthy motivational habits such as 72: a. Telling yourself about the benefits

The most powerful way to stay on track is to remind yourself of the benefits of those habits. For example, you can remind yourself that saving money now means you can travel to the Maldives in the summer, or you can remember how by staying in shape you have the energy for your friends and family. Make a list of all the things you want to accomplish and their benefits, and then pin it somewhere so you can see it every day. b. Reprioritizing and doing things you like If you like what you’re doing, the motivation to do it follows. When you really want something in life, you find it easier to fight your inner resistance. In case you feel yourself losing momentum, ask yourself the following question: Am I doing what I really want to do? If the answer is no, maybe you need to start working on what’s important to you instead. 3. Take time out to appreciate yourself. If you even take out two minutes a day to do this for a month, you will begin to see the difference. First, take a deep breath and then ask yourself this question: What are the three things I can appreciate about myself? These do not have to be big things. It could even be that you woke up on time or that you took the stairs instead of the elevator. Taking out two minutes to appreciate yourself will build your selfesteem in the long run and will also load you up with positive energy. Alternatively, you could take out a pen and paper at the end of the day and write down three things you appreciate about yourself. The benefit of writing is that after a few weeks, you have a chance to

review your answers, which will give you the perspective change you need on a rainy day. 4. Do what’s right. Although we usually have the answers, it’s seems easier to go along with the tide. But by going against your values, you create dissonance within. Alternatively, by doing what you know is right deep down, you will strengthen your resolve and raise your selfesteem. It could be as simple as eating an apple instead of a biscuit or even accepting a situation for what it is without judgement. By focusing on what is right for you, you positively impact how you think about yourself. The easiest way to maintain consistency is to try to take the right actions at the beginning of the day. Wake up on time with no snoozes, eat a healthy breakfast, smile at a stranger, or even open a door for someone. This will set the tone for the rest of your day and leave you feeling rejuvenated. 5. Don’t be a perfectionist. I often hear people proclaim, “My only problem is that I’m a perfectionist.” In my experience, there are few thoughts as destructive as perfectionism. It is judgement cloaked under a different guise. Perfectionism can paralyze you because you are afraid of not living up to an imagined standard. Your inaction ensures that you don’t get your desired result and your self-esteem plummets. In other situations, you do take action but are never satisfied with your accomplishments. The easiest way to overcome perfectionism is by considering the following:

a. Realizing it’s okay to be good enough. If you aim for perfection, you’ll end up doing nothing. Instead, try to be “good enough.” That way you’ll at least accomplish your tasks. By doing that, you’ll raise your self-esteem, and with improved selfesteem, you’ll achieve better results next time and create space for creativity and flow. b. Remembering that perfection causes more harm than good When reality clashes with your unrealistic expectations (perfection doesn’t exist), the world suffers. It could lead to your job, your work, or even your relationships suffering. Sometimes reminding ourselves that our life is not a movie is a gentle nudge in the right direction. 6. Handle failure positively. Failure is part and parcel of growth and an inevitable consequence when you step out of your comfort zone. Don’t let that scare you. When (not if) you fail, remember to: a. Be your own friend. Instead of judging yourself, think about what a friend would say to you. How would they support you? Then talk to yourself the way they would. This will take a crippling situation and transform it into a place of learning; approach your failure from a place of concern and constructivism. b. Find the silver lining. Even if you failed, is there something to learn from the situation? How can you avoid making the same mistake? Can it make you smarter or stronger? By answering these questions, you will make room for successes (and new mistakes, whether you like it or not).

7. Be kind. When you treat others well, they treat you well too. Some simple ways of doing this areas follows: a. Letting someone speak their mind and actively listening b. Holding the door for the next person or positively surprising them c. Encouraging friends d. Helping someone without any expectations towards them e. Sharing your experiences to benefit others 8. Don’t compare yourself to others. If you keep comparing yourself to others, you can never win. There will always be someone in the world who will be better than you. Focus instead on improving yourself. Your only point of comparison should be you. When you see how you are improving incrementally, it will boost your self-esteem. 9. Make time for people who support you. How are you to create space for peak performance and flow if you spend most of your energy warding off negativity? Your output depends on your input. Don’t spend time with people who are mean, patronizing, or negative. Once you remove people who weigh you down, you will make room for people who share the same values as you, and those people can help build you up. You are more likely to perform better with positive reinforcement and constructive criticism. 10. Curate what you listen to.

Think about what you read, listen to, and watch. Spend less time on social media and more time on conducting activities that enrich you. You do not need to watch five hours of news when you can get the same information in twenty minutes. And since most news channels reconstruct narratives negatively, you should focus on a more neutral approach. Invest your time in knowledge and self-care so that you feel good about yourself and so that your world view isn’t biased.

ii. Self-Image “No one can make you feel inferior, without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt Self-image was a concept that was pioneered by Maxwell Matz73. It is not a true depiction of a person’s personality, although it does provide us with a better understanding of human performance. Depressed or anxious people feed a negative loop about themselves where they think they are worse than they actually are. On the other hand, there are also self-important people who hold themselves and their accomplishments in high regard, while their achievements might not be a reflection of their “brilliance.” Self-image works as an inner mirror. What we perceive about ourselves often turns out to be true. If we imagine performing our best, we are more likely to send that message to our subconscious mind. Our subconscious mind accepts it as an order and then creates thoughts, words, and actions, which are consistent with the beliefs we hold. This is different from us removing judgement. This part focuses more on positive affirmations. We become what we believe to be true about ourselves. This is important when it comes to achieving peak productivity. It’s only if we believe ourselves to be

capable of certain behaviors that we’ll get there. This means that we can improve our lives by improving our mental picture. This is a critical component in changing our lives and the way we think. Self-image is the sum of all our thoughts and perceptions on the following: What kind of person you think you are How you think you look Your interpretation of how others perceive you How you compare yourself to others How much you like yourself How much you think others like you While self-esteem is how you feel about yourself, self-image is how you see yourself. If your opinion of yourself is distorted, your selfesteem will suffer and vice versa. Often, our self-image is different from how others see us. How we perceive ourselves depends on our level of self-esteem74, but there are ways to practically build your self-image. 1. Do an honest assessment of yourself. It is not easy to see ourselves in black and white. We’d much rather avoid our weakness than accept them. Instead, if we look at our shortcomings objectively and remove the judgement from the experience, we’d see that there is both good and bad in all of us. That’s the real world, that’s what being human is. We are wrong

most of the time and right some of the time, and neither takes away from who we are. By focusing only on negative traits, your self-image will suffer and by focusing only on positive traits, your ego will swell. Do right by you, and find the balance. 2. Learn to let go. When you begin to assess yourself honestly, you will identify areas of improvement. Very few people are satisfied with who they are and most spend their time fretting about freckles, wrinkles, height, weight, and/or intelligence. While to be human means to grow and improve upon our weaknesses, it is also important to acknowledge that there are things that are out of our control. In those cases, develop the parts of your personality that you can improve. There will still be imperfections. Love yourself anyway. 3. Replace can’t with can. Remove all self-limiting beliefs. We can overcome most of our daily challenges if only we stop letting them overwhelm us. 4. Take credit AND blame where it’s due. We all make mistakes, and you should be quick to accept, correct, and learn from them. Similarly, you should also take credit and revel in your accomplishments. You may have done a bad thing, but you have definitely done some good things. Enjoy them both. 5. Avoid thinking in extremes. Avoid hyperboles like “always” and “never.” Nothing is set in stone, so create opportunities for change, especially in the way you think.

iii. The Ideal Self

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi Our self-concept is guided by our hopes, dreams, and visions. It is a combination of the virtues, values, and qualities that we aspire for or even parts of ourselves we like already. Those who are clear in their values and visions find it easier to merge different parts of their personalities. These people know what their beliefs are. They do not compromise on their standards because they are steadfast in their own ethics so much so that other people begin to rely on them for guidance too. Such people are clear about their interactions with others, and the world responds according to what they want or wish for. To reach your true peak performance potential, you should work towards your ideal self. An ideal self is not “perfect,” it is a version of yourself that is most in line with your values. This keeps evolving and growing over the years. To reach your ideal self, you could try the following exercise75: 1. Write (through visualization and description) three different versions of yourself in the future: your ideal self, your probable self, and your feared self. By outlining all three, you will get an understanding of the events and beliefs that shape your life. If you want to dig deeper, explore the themes and patterns that emerge. Do this when you know you will get uninterrupted time to yourself. You need at least an hour and a half for the initial exercise, although you can also divide it into three sessions. It is beneficial to come back and review this through a fresh pair of eyes. 2. When you start writing, don’t let anyone else see it. You don’t want to edit your thoughts before they reach the page. Write for at least 20

minutes, but don’t set an upper limit. Under the heading “My Ideal Self,” write an imaginary scene with you in it. Write about every tiny detail outlining where you are, what you’re wearing, and what the sounds in the background are. Ask yourself what you really want for yourself a year from now. Answer yourself truthfully. 3. Then move on to “My Probable Self.” Here, let reality get in the way. Describe a scene that is likely to happen. Maybe it is similar to your present. Ask yourself what you expect for yourself a year from now. 4. This one is the scariest. Write down “My Feared Self” and write about a scene where you’re living out your worst nightmares. Similar to your ideal self, do not limit yourself. Think of all scenarios, plausible and implausible. Ask yourself what you are most scared of becoming a year from now. 5. Once you have completed the free writing exercise, highlight themes and then assign them a color. For example, family could be green, work could be blue, and money could be pink. Don’t just stop there; create further categories. You could divide money into debts and investments. Once you color code every sentence of the three scenarios, you’ll see what has been driving most of your decisions. It’s possible that the same theme runs through all your possible selves. When you evaluate your internal and external barriers, you create opportunity for yourself to grow and flow. You create mental space to pursue what you want because you have discovered what holds you back. The pursuit to being your ideal self is life-long because our ideal self evolves with age and wisdom. What we should strive for

through each stage of this growth is congruence of mind, body, and soul. That congruence creates the right environment for peak performance and flow.

68 https://www.simplypsychology.org/social-identity-theory.html 69 https://www.scholastic.com/teachers/articles/teaching-content/ages-stages-how-children-develop-self-concept/ 70 https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/oh-again-surely-deidr%C3%A9-wallace/ 71 The Self-Esteeem Workbook, Glenn R. Schiraldi, Chapter 9, pg. 67 72 https://www.positivityblog.com/improve-self-esteem/ 73 The Magic Power of Self Image Psychology, Maxwell Maltz 74 https://www.theworldcounts.com/life/potentials/how-to-improve-self-image 75 https://www.success.com/use-this-writing-exercise-to-uncover-your-ideal-self/

chapter 4: Congruence and Incongruence

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r. Carl Rogers described the concepts of congruence and incongruence in order for people to discover how aligned their reality was with their self-concept.

Reality is a tricky thing, as its different for everybody. It is not just based on facts; it is shaped by people’s experiences of the world. Congruence is when a person’s self-concept is close to factual reality. Incongruence is when a person’s self-concept does not align with factual reality. Incongruence is usually rooted in how a child is loved and taken care of by their parents. If a parent’s love was conditional, the person is likely to have a distorted perception of the world and themselves in it. The dangerous part about incongruence is that it can cause children to develop personality disorders at a young age. Alternatively, in cases of children provided with unconditional love, they would be more likely to foster congruence and have a more realistic self-image on how they fit into the world. Another psychologist by the name of Dr. Bruce A. Bracken also developed a multidimensional self-concept scale. In this case, he defined six primary groups of traits in order to help further define

self-concept76: 1. Physical: How we look and our fitness levels 2. Social: How we interact with the world and how much we give or receive 3. Family: How we interact with our family members 4. Competence: Our ability to meet our basic needs in life 5. Academic: Our ability to learn 6. Affect: Our ability to understand our emotions By combining Dr. Rogers’s and Dr Bruce’s idea of self-concept, we can break down specific traits to define our self-concept because it plays an important role in determining our behaviour. To be mindful, in the flow, and efficient, it is important for us to be congruent. One we are aware of our reality, we know what to accept and we know what to change. If our reality is warped, what exactly can we change for the better? By being more cognisant and congruent, we make room for choices that benefit us and encourage growth. Consider the following situation: Babis came from a broken household. His father and mother had a tumultuous relationship, and since then, he wrote off all relationships. Marriage, too, was off the cards. He was emotionally distant and immersed himself in his work. At work, he met someone named Ann, who he instantly connected with. Now there are two parts of his personality that are at odds with one another. There is the fearful part of him that believes that all relationships end in disaster and another that wants to explore this relationship.

In order for Babis to make decisions that suit his most recent desires, he needs to readjust his values and behaviors. Here Babis’s internal and external worlds don’t align. His values aren’t congruent with his present, but this dissonance exists for a reason. Self-concept is fluid for this reason. What we tell ourselves is usually what we end up becoming. When a person’s self-concept is incongruent, it can be a difficult process for them to discover who they are and what their place in the world is. A person has a welcome opportunity to use their incongruences to empower their decisions and improve. Incongruences tell us that there are two ways in which we can react to a situation: one in which we pass a judgement based on our past experience or understanding of the world, and one in which we treat a situation in isolation. Our values and beliefs are constantly changing and in order for our self-identity and self-image to evolve, we need to use the dissonance within ourselves to evaluate our choices. Just because my last relationship ended in disaster, should I avoid all relationships? Just because I failed once, am I bound to fail every time? Just because one of my business ideas was unsuccessful, does that mean all of them will be? Chances are slim to none. By being aware of how we define ourselves, we can learn how to redefine ourselves. We are all different and have our own path to success and growth. All we need to do is create space to heal and nurture ourselves. This environment creates space for productivity and flow. There is no box in which we all belong. We are special because we are unique. For

that reason, it is important not to give into our biases. Self-concept also impacts how other people end up treating us. Unless it is our close friends or family members who know us intimately, other people are more likely to share the opinions we have of ourselves. This works both positively and negatively. People who exude confidence are more likely to inspire confidence in other people as well. This is even handier if people are able to back that confidence with actions and results. By being congruent, a person is able to understand what they can give to the world and creates room for great progress. By creating the link between reality and self-concept, a person can move towards happiness and then assess realistically why they make the choices they do. Looking at one’s past experiences without judgement can also help a person assess their future and accelerate their search for their ideal self. That is where the magic happens—when the good and the bad in you combine and lead you to your vision. You clear out all your experiences and inside a voice emerges that tells you where you’re supposed to go. All you need now is the focus.

76 https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/8941/self-concept/

chapter 5: How to Get in Touch With the Inner You

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o far we’ve been trying to better understand ourselves to create room to change our lives. But to truly change, we need actionable steps in order to get there, which leads us to building better habits. If you don’t keep track of your habits, you can’t really change your life. In order to build better habits, you need to be aware of your current habits. Very few of us are naturally inclined to do what’s right without keeping a track of what’s wrong. By measuring your actions, your self-awareness comes closer to reality, helps you remain congruent, and helps you make decisions instinctively. It is a combination of your measurements and your “gut-feel” that bring you closer to your vision. When you accept who you are, you listen more closely to your inner voice, which often leads us to our real purpose. Rene Laennec, a French physician who lived in Paris, was struck with this combination of gut and instinct in 1816. He was scurrying to tend to a patient with a heart problem, a problem he did not fully understand and was preoccupied by, when he came across two boys playing in a courtyard. As he looked over to the boys, he saw one

tap one end of a wooden plank with a pin while the other had his ear pressed against the plank77. While watching the two boys play, he was struck with two thoughts. His first thought was of the acoustic phenomenon (i.e., if you scratch the pin on one end and place your ear on the other, the sound is audible). His second thought was whether this property would be useful in his current case. When he arrived at the hospital, he asked for a piece of paper, rolled it up, and placed it on his patient’s chest. He was astounded to hear her chest with stunning clarity, more so than if he were to place his ear directly. This helped him diagnose his patients, but more importantly, by allowing himself to think and imagine, Laennec invented the stethoscope, an invention we use to this day. He didn’t stop there. He experimented with different sizes, different materials, and finally settled on a design that revolutionized medicine. By listening to his inner voice, Laennec enabled all doctors to track and measure things for themselves rather than rely only on a patient’s description. By listening to his inner voice, he now had newfound confidence, which he used to excel in his field. Self-confidence and inner voice feed each other. You can apply the same to your life. Self-confidence is a result of accomplishments and reaffirming behaviour. It’s about listening to your mind and body and finding a place where they meet. All successful people are aware of this. Let’s look at Bob Mathias, the Olympic athlete who came first in four of ten events. At age 17, he was the youngest gold medalist to win track78. How is it that he had the self-confidence to win a race in front of a global audience at such

a young age? What set him apart from everybody else? When Mathias retired, he continued to coach other athletes. One of them was a pole vaulter who found it difficult to reach new heights on the crossbar, to the extent that every time he tried, he performed worse. The constant failure immobilized him. Mathias chose this moment to share with him a nugget of wisdom that had gotten him his success:“Throw your heart over the bar, and your body will follow79.” But how do we figure out what the heart wants? There are different exercises we can use to tap into our intuition. 1. Practice meditation and mindfulness. There are many different ways to meditate out there. Transcendental Meditation swears by 20 minutes twice a day. Apps such as Headspace and Calm have sounds and different time slots. Truth be told, none of that matters. All you need is ten minutes; if you can manage more time, then great. You just need enough time to hear your inner voice over the chatter you’re surrounded by. If you feel your mind drifting, gently bring it back. Playing soft music or instrumentals can help shift your focus inwards. 2. Try free writing. Think of any topic under the sun. Set a timer for five minutes and then just write. It’s okay if you make a spelling mistake, if your grammar isn’t perfect, and even if there is no method to the madness. Let go of all the rules and regulations and let out all your thoughts on paper. Make sure to check your judgement at the door. When you look back, you’ll be surprised to see how liberating it is to understand what’s really going on in your mind. This will be possible

when you remove judgement and don’t restrain yourself. 3. Know (and measure) your actions. If you want to avoid the rut, choose to live differently. Don’t order the same thing for lunch or switch on the television the moment you return home from the office. Your life is affected by your short term choices, which is why you need to be cognizant of all the choices you make moment by moment. When you become aware of your daily choices, you’ll see how many you were making “just because.” You should think about the reasons behind your decisions. Everything we do is a result of the choices we make, and by making the right choice now, we determine our future. Don’t just say “yes” or “no;” let your inner voice tell you what decision is right. If you listen often enough, the voice gets louder. 4. Talk to yourself. Many people do this more often than they’d care to admit. This does not make you weird. In fact, talking to yourself is a way for you to meet yourself again. It’s a way to get to know the real you. 5. Ask your body what it wants. An inner voice is not something intangible. It is always trying to speak to you in different ways, through your thoughts or even your body. Your body always tells you the truth, even if your mind doesn’t want to listen. If you get a nagging feeling in your body, stop and listen to it. Ask it what it wants or even what’s going on? Then wait for an answer; you’re sure to find it. 6. How does it taste80? This activity builds on our reliance on our body. Before making any

large decisions, sit down and imagine taking a bite of this decision. Then stop and think about how eating that decision makes you feel. Do you feel energized or fatigued? By doing this, you are relying on your body, not your mind. Your mind will always try and rationalize its decisions, but your body will immediately tell you whether that decision is right for you or not. 7. Do something that makes you happy. Happiness is not external. You don’t need to wait for someone else to make you happy; don’t relinquish your control. Make it a point to do something every day that is just about you. You could jam to your favorite songs, buy yourself a cup of coffee, or just spend five minutes out in the air. Maybe take out a journal and just begin to write about your day. You’ll be able to strip away from your daily anxieties and triggers and get to the bottom of what you really want. Maybe discover yourself again. Travel somewhere exotic, or better yet, travel alone. There is no better way to find yourself than in a place where you have to mostly rely on yourself. It’ll remind you of how big the world actually is as well as it what means to trust yourself again. Once you start doing what you want, your inner voice will know that you are ready to make time for it, and it’ll start speaking to you again. These are all starting points, a chance for you to begin a dialogue with yourself and give yourself a chance to listen to your innate wisdom. Listening to yourself will lead you to your moment of truth and help you find your flow.

77 NPR’s Science Friday Segment: Ira Flatow and Howard Markel 78 https://biography.yourdictionary.com/bob-mathias 79 https://jamesclear.com/self-confidence 80 https://www.lifehack.org/804051/inner-voice

chapter 6: Building Your Future was lucky enough to get the career of my dreams, but I could have Igotten their sooner had I not been building a future that was wrong for me. There are two types of futures that are possible—the definite and the indefinite. When people asked me what I wanted to do when I graduated, I told them I wanted to start my own business and live life on my own terms. When people asked me how I would accomplish this, I told them by “building experience working for the corporate world.” My ambitions and my words didn’t match. While I knew I was good with people and wanted to help them realize their dreams, I didn’t want to get too big for my boots. While I knew what I wanted to do, I didn’t follow it up with a plan. Instead, I went for the corporate route. My mindset was indefinite and therefore, so was my dream. An indefinite mindset is when we create a list of things we need to do in order to secure what we want to do. We create many rungs on an imaginary ladder that create a greater distance between us and where we want to be. Everything becomes a “means to an end,” but the end becomes blurrier than we’d care to admit. Imagine instead if you didn’t hedge your bets. Imagine if you had the courage to take the bigger risks. How would you do it in a way that

didn’t paralyze you? Create a definite mindset. This is where you sit and ask yourself what you want from your life, your job, and yourself. Once you have a clearer picture, you can then start figuring out plans to get you there and set the necessary steps to lead you to peak performance. You can cultivate a definite mindset in two ways: 1. Discover your talents. The best way to figure out what your future holds is to start from a place of comfort. Make a list of all things you are good at and then come up with different combinations. There are many jobs out there that will fit your skill set and the job market is constantly evolving. Some people have difficulty discovering what they enjoy or what they’re good at, in which case you could try the next option. 2. Discover what you don’t like and what you’re not good at. By removing things you don’t like and enjoy, you can make space for things that are better suited for you and improve the quality of your life. If you don’t like to read, then maybe being a lawyer or a writer is not the right profession for you. Now that that’s out of the way, you can invest your mental energy in activities that you care more about. Once you do, you’ll be able to understand what your strengths are and focus on them. Surround yourself with people who encourage you to be better. Your focus will help you build a definite future and the best part is that it will be the kind of future you want.

Discover what matters to you. Your self-purpose is the foundation on which you build your plans.

You might think that making money counts as a vision but it doesn’t. Financial gains should be the side effect of pursuing something with a higher purpose, not the end goal itself. When I consider Jim Carrey’s story, I am struck not only by his success but also by the sacrifices his father made81. Jim believed that his father had the potential to be a great comedian, but he had told himself that it wasn’t possible. Instead, he made a risk-averse choice based on an indefinite mindset. He became an accountant so that he could provide for his family. When Jim was 12, his father was laid off from his job and his family was on the streets. They got any job they could find and learned how to survive while Jim learned how to make his family laugh in the face of adversity. He found his calling and used it to become one of the greatest Hollywood comedians of the ‘90s. Jim Carrey vowed not to make the same sacrifices as his father, and at age 29, he had accomplished many of the dreams his father had convinced himself out of. Jim famously said, “You can fail at what you don’t want. So you might as well take a chance on doing what you love82.” He wrote himself a check for 10 million dollars and dated it Thanksgiving 1995 with a note that said “For acting services rendered.” He carried it with him that day onwards. By 1995, he had starred in Ace Ventura, The Mask, and Dumb and Dumber and could now ask for as much as $20 million per picture. When his father died, he placed the check in his father’s coffin as an ode to a shared dream. They both had the same obstacle, but their reaction to it was different; one had the courage to live the dream

while the other found an excuse not to. Just because your dream seems out of reach doesn’t mean it actually is. Neil Gaiman is an award-winning author who in his “Make Good Art” speech at the University of the Arts mentioned how he knew he wanted to be an author, but it seemed like a distant mountain. All he knew was that he had to walk towards it and get rid of all the obstacles that stood in the way. This meant that he said no to editorial jobs and other jobs that would make him money because he knew he was stepping away from the mountain. He had to make time for what was most important. We don’t know what’s in store for us, so we don’t need to live for a resume. We need to live for ourselves and do justice to our skillset. We can start by doing some simple exercises that can help reorient our purpose and passions: 1. Life philosophy Your life philosophy will be based on your beliefs and values. Consider all the material you’ve read or watched when you begin to write it; much of what we consume infiltrates our belief system. Consider all the advice that you’ve received in your life that has resonated with you, and then whittle it down to 100 words. This method was introduced by J.D. Roth, a blogger and website manager who borrowed the idea from CrossFit’s “world-class fitness in 100 words.” A hundred words force you to be concise and precise. Here’s an example of my own 100-word philosophy: “Embrace the fear. Every situation has two sides, look at the positive.

Love yourself. Strengthen your relationships. Turn your dreams into plans. Replace ‘hope’ with ‘will.’ Use criticism as a means to grow. Be the best version of yourself. Don’t second guess your decisions. Your first instinct is correct. Be vulnerable. Listen to others. Check your judgement at the door. Be open to new ideas. Be open to conversations with people who think differently. Don’t shy away from who you are. Follow your excitement. Don’t be afraid to live. Speak your mind. Travel and explore. Choose love over fear, always.” 2. Your Original Self This exercise is from Barbara Sher’s book Wishcraft. Set aside half an hour to be by yourself and think about your childhood. Think of all the times you had fun, and what were the moments you especially enjoyed. When you had the freedom to do as you pleased, what did you do? Then ask yourself: What kind of things attracted you as a child? What kind of sensory experiences do you remember best? Is it smells, touch, or taste? All of us have one sense we rely on more than others. What did you fantasize about? Then ask yourself whether you still love the things you did when you were a kid, and if so, what do you miss the most? What talents did you have as a child that you could still use now? How can you reconnect with your inner child? 3. The Obituary

Mentioned in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey outlines a powerful exercise that gives you the opportunity to evaluate how you want to be remembered. Once you know what you want to be recognized for, you can work to match your actions to your expectations. 4. Who do you think you are? Another leaf from Barbara Sher’s book Wishcraft, this exercise requires you to spend five to ten minutes answering the question, “Who do you think you are?” If you were to describe yourself to someone you didn’t know, what would you say? Don’t overthink your answers, and put in the first (and truest representation) that comes to your mind. Try and be objective in the process. 5. Top 5 goals Originally borrowed from Warren Buffet but written about in Angela Duckworth’s Grit, this exercise helps you focus on your top priorities. Here’s how: Make a list of your top 25 goals (or more) as well as a list of all the projects you’re working on, personal and professional, and all the things you want to do but can’t. Look at all your goals and see the ones that matter the most to you. Narrow your list to your top five goals. Look at all the goals that you didn’t circle and tell yourself that you are to avoid these no matter what. These are the nagging thoughts that distract you from what you need to do. Prioritizing can be tough, so you can rate the goals to see how

important they are to you. Additionally, you can look at them to see whether they have a common purpose. It might help you realize what your passion is. 6. What’s your perfect schedule? In Wishcraft, Barbara Sher talks about a method to outline your regular day. Write in the present tense and write in detail about everything you would want from the moment you wake up till the moment you sleep. When you imagine this schedule, focus on the questions what, where, and who: What work are you doing? What are you doing to relax? Don’t be limited by your skillset. Since this is a fantasy, you have free rein to write whatever you please. Where are you working and living? What kind of office space do you have? Are you operating from a loft, a futuristic-looking office, or a study in the comfort of your home? Who else is with you? Do you work with other people? Who are you living with? Who do you talk to? Before you make your ideal day schedule, it might help to take a look at what your current day looks like. That way you’ll be able to work out the discrepancy between your present life and your ideal life. 7. What are your plans? George Kinder is the author of The Seven Stages of Money Maturity and he suggests thinking of three hypothetical situations: Suppose you have all the money in the world to take care of

your needs now and for the future, how would you live and what would you change about your life? Imagine you visit a doctor who tells you that you have 5-10 years to live. You won’t feel sick until the moment of your death. How would you change your life? Imagine your doctor tells you that you have only 24 hours to live. What dreams would remain unfulfilled? What would you wish that you had done? These are powerful tools to figure out what you want from life. If you take the time out to answer these questions honestly, they have the ability to change your life. It gives you the opportunity to meditate on what’s important to you and how to find purpose even when life looks bleak. Knowing your purpose is the best predictor of success. The clearer you are on what you want, the more likely you are to get it.

Build your vision. Once you have done the above exercises, you have a better idea of the values and skills you hold dear. Now you are ready to craft a personal vision statement. Write it in the first person, and make statements about the future that you want. When writing these statements, write as if you are already making them happen in your life. Limit yourself to three to four sentences. When Jim Carrey was a struggling comedian, he would still drive to Mulholland Drive83 and repeat affirmations to himself. He would tell himself about the movie deals he already has and the money he is already making. By visualizing this, he was able to commit to the dream.

Once you visualize your dream, create a path to achieve it by doing the following exercises: 1. Identify your achievements. What are your successes in the recent past? Think of at least five (the more the merrier), and write them down so that you can see what themes crop up. Was it your individual projects or your group activities that caused you success? Did you work better as a team member or as a leader? Your successes can cover health, relationships, careers, or any other aspect of your life. This task is handy because we don’t just acknowledge our strengths and values, we see how they translate (successfully into action). 2. What values and principles do you want to cultivate? Your values reflect what you stand for. For many of us, it’s not just the goal itself that’s important, how we achieve it is also important. When we achieve success in projects that are not in line with our values, we face a spiritual burn out. This causes internal conflict and we end up sacrificing our peace of mind. When you set your goals, weigh your personal values against them, but focus on one or two values max. The best way to narrow down is to list ten, and then prioritize the ones that matter the most. 3. What difference can you make to the external world (i.e., family, friends,work and your community))? Think of the external world in different categories (family, employees, community) and then write down an ideal scenario of contribution for each.

4. Create a BHAG. Proposed by James Collins and Jerry Poras in the book Built to Last: Successful Habits of Visionary Companies, BHAG is a Big Hairy Audacious Goal. Here you state the end goal so that you know what your aim should be. Make it measurable and something that holds emotional value. A good way to do this is to consider your life for the next three to five years and then the next ten to fifteen years. Have a look at previous achievements to draw inspiration. 5. Draft your mission. A mission statement is the “how” part of the goal. Think of all the actions you can take in order to make your vision a reality. We have already worked very hard to get in touch with your desires. Now that you are clearer about your wants and dreams, you can create your vision. Any vision, no matter how large or small, has to come from the heart and hold some meaning for you. Your vision needs to bold yet realistic. It should balance both your personal and professional ambitions. In summary, it should answer the following questions: a. What are you passionate about? b. What are your core values? c. What sets you apart from the rest of us? Your mission statement can be as long as short as you like84. Oprah Winfrey’s is: “To be a teacher. And to be known for inspiring my students to

be more than they thought they could be85.” For some of us, that could mean inspiration in a classroom, for others it could be mentoring. For Oprah’s, her goal to teach was grander than that, but the values and the vision remain true in any context. Review the statement often so that you get a chance to internalize it and also the opportunity to evaluate your values and their significance in your life. You could have a look at your vision at the start of every week, when you feel lost, or when you are questioning your purpose. When you remember why you set out on the journey, it’ll make it easier for you to embody it. Don’t be afraid if your vision and your life aren’t always congruent. In his book The Path of Least Resistance, Robert Fritz described a concept known as structural tension. There are two parts to it— one is your vision and the second part is your current reality. According to Fritz, “The difference or discrepancy between what you have (current reality) and the result you want (vision) creates structural tension86.” The reason this tension is important is that it needs to be resolved, otherwise it can lead to internal conflict. When your vision and your life isn’t congruent, you feel a level of disconnectedness from yourself. This will distance you from your goals. That resolution is possible by changing your current reality so that your external circumstances can match your vision. Alternatively, you could also resolve the tension by

changing your vision so that your result is closer to your current reality. In either situation, you need a clear idea of what your vision is. Then, you need to recognize the current reality. Feel the tension, and then use it to move towards what you truly want. According to the author Arthur C. Clarke, when we think about our future, we usually face two obstacles: 1. Failure of nerve 2. Failure of imagination87 We usually imagine our future according to how our lives are in the present moment. We are either too afraid to think of a future that is significantly different either because of the fear of uncertainty or because we are unwilling to imagine a world beyond the ordinary. Free your vision from these limitations. The future you is a different breed, so free yourself of the insecurities that seep into your work today. Instead, be aware of your limitations so you can come up with actionable steps to align your reality with your vision. Let your vision be the compass that guides you to take the best actions.

Set your eye on the prize. The big picture matters. So long as you know where you want to go, you’re on the right track. When setting a direction, many people get confused between end goals and means goals. Steve Pavlina is an American author who clarifies that difference. End goals are outcomes

where you are unwilling to compromise on what you want. Means goals are the many ways in which you can get there88. I’ll give you an example: Suppose you want to be a full-time internationally recognized author, but you are unsure about how to get published. You could do any of the following: a. Join a writer’s group and get constructive feedback on whether your manuscript is ready. b. Approach a literary agent and see if they’re interested. c. Apply for a writer’s retreat where different authors discuss their work and have a chance to be published. d. Apply for a master’s program to build a network. e. Write stories and submit unsolicited manuscripts. f. Start learning how to self-publish effectively. The end goal is to be an author, the rest are means goals. In order to get to your destination, you need to begin with the end in sight. A good way to do this could be to list down your end goal separately, and then make a list of all your means goals. Your means goals will be far greater than your end goals. End goals indicate the kind of life you want, while mean goals are more specific. These are ways through which you can manifest your end goals. Mean goals are motivated by the thought that they will lead us somewhere89. When setting your end goals remember to do the following: 1. Ask yourself three questions.

Vishen Laikhiani, CEO of Mind Valley, encourages all those who are goal setting to ask themselves three questions. What experiences do you want? How do you want to grow? What do you want to contribute to the world? We have already covered this in great detail, but it is important to review these from time to time. As humans, we are constantly evolving, and as we evolve so does our world view. Evaluate your values and belief system to make sure that what you’re pursuing is congruent with them. 2. Set goals that motivate you. This means that you should ask yourself whether they matter to you and if there’s any value in achieving them. If you don’t care about the outcome, you don’t care about the hard graft required to achieve it. This goal will be in sync with your priorities. If you don’t become focused on this, you can end up with too many goals. Only pursue something if you feel a sense of urgency and find the end goal exciting. 3. Your goal should be S.M.A.R.T. Everyone with a business degree (or without) has heard of SMART goals. The simple reason for that is that they are effective. Make your goals match the following criteria: Specific They should be well defined. “I want to change the world” is a vague goal. Many people want to change the world, but

how? How do your particular skill set and passion gear you to contribute to the world? Measurable They should include dates, times, and other units of measurement. When we measure progress, we usually see reality for what it is and can then fill in gaps if they exist. Attainable In Anne Lamott’s book Bird by Bird, she says, “Thirty years ago my older brother, who was ten years old at the time, was trying to get a report on birds written that he’d had three months to write, which was due the next day. We were out at our family cabin in Bolinas, and he was at the kitchen table, close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books on birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him, put his arm around my brother’s shoulder, and said, ‘Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird90.’” While it is important to aim high, you should chunk your goals so that you are not overwhelmed. Relevant Your goals should be aligned with your vision, value, and purpose. If you have inconsistent goals, you will fritter your time. Time-bound All goals need a deadline. Without one, your sense of urgency dwindles and with one, you know that your achievement is around the corner. This also means your

success is also in clear sight. 4. Write your goals down. When you write your goal down, you make it real. This is more than just a drunken conversation about life and dreams. You don’t have an excuse any longer. This is now a reality you are working towards. 5. Create an action plan. This is the most important step for goal setting. During my formative years in school, my math teacher would encourage me to write down all the steps to solving a problem. I would be frustrated and ask her, “What’s the point if I already know the answer?” She would tell me, “It’s for the times you don’t know.” Not every problem is easy to solve, and we can get lost in the complexities of our goals, especially if they are big or long-term goals. By creating actionable steps, we can make realistic plans to get to our destination. 6. Be consistent. Set your goals and review them constantly. That way you can keep yourself on track and discover where you are lagging behind. While the destination remains the same, sometimes the action plan can change. Update it and be flexible. We set goals for all spheres of life. We have fitness goals, career goals, travel goals. We are always thinking of what’s next, and we all know we want a happy and easy life. Mark Manson, the author of

Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, introduced the world to a new way of thinking. Instead of just asking yourself what you want out of life, ask yourself what kind of pain you are willing to sustain91. All of us want a great job, healthy relationships, and enough money to travel the world and to give back to the community. But what are we willing to stake for it? The Stanford Marshmallow experiment was conducted in the late 1960s and early 1970s by psychologist Walter Mischel that explored the idea of delayed gratification92. In the experiment, children of ages four to six were subjects. These children were given treats that were placed on a table. They were told that they could eat them, but if they waited for fifteen minutes, they would be rewarded with another treat. The results were varied. Some of the children averted their gaze and turned away from the table while others ate the candy as soon as it was given to them. Mischel then conducted follow up studies for these children years later. The first follow up study was conducted in 1988, which showed that “preschool children who delayed gratification longer in the selfimposed delay paradigm, were described more than 10 years later by their parents as adolescents who were significantly more competent93.” The pain they endured for 15 minutes was indicative of their competence in later life. And competence often does lead to success. We all know how to handle the positive, but it’s how we handle negative experiences that define us. You may want to start your own business, but this means you will have to cut back on your lifestyle for the first few months, cash flow will be uncertain, and there might be months where you have to work

endless hours. You may want a six pack, but that will require you to endure muscle pain, recalibrate your eating style, and do a lifestyle overhaul. Whenever you set your goals, take into account the cost-benefit analysis. You choose the end glory, but you also choose the suffering and pain. Mark Manson wrote about wanting to be a musician. He could visualize the crowds, the fans, the success, yet his vision was never actualized. When he took a long, hard look at himself, he learned that he didn’t want the negative experiences associated with it. While he loved the result, he didn’t love what he had to do to get there. Musicians invest a lot of time and effort in crafting their talent. They have to associate themselves with groups, rehearse, find gigs, advertise it, manage equipment, and somehow finance all of this while juggling a day job. Mark didn’t care much for the process; he was only in it for the positive experiences. This awareness is important. You need to be honest with yourself and ask if you are willing to put up with the lifestyle that comes with your quest. Once you have that clarity, you will have direction. When you commit, the next step is obvious. Once you know where you are supposed to move towards, your choices will align as well. And once choices align, flow is inevitable. When we begin goal setting, our goals are external: We exercise because we want to lose ten pounds. We start our business because we want a million dollars.

We learn to play an instrument because we want to be in a band. Many of us start with similar ambitions, however, some stick to them while others don’t. When we begin goal setting, we focus more on the winners and assume that it is their ambition that led them to that path. We don’t consider all the people who had the same ambition but might not have succeeded in the same way. Everybody wants to be number one, but there are more losers than there are winners, even when they share the same goal. Goals are achieved in a single moment, but there is a process that leads to it. The result lasts for a moment, but a system lasts forever. If you focus only on results, then you solve the problem in the short term. You could lose ten pounds in a month if you restricted yourself to one meal and exercised endlessly. But if you resume your regular eating habits, it is likely that you would gain that weight back. To solve the problem permanently, you also need to fix the input. This means that systems and processes are the goals, not just the end product. It sounds counter-intuitive, but it’s true. Many of us believe that when we achieve our goals, we’ll be happy, but by believing this assumption, we put off our happiness indefinitely. We believe that it’s something we can achieve in the future, hence we restrict our happiness in the present. If we lost that weight, we’d be happy, if we published that book, we could relax, and if we just got that promotion, our efforts would be validated. This creates a conflict within ourselves. If we achieve the goal, we are successful and happy, but if we don’t, we’re a failure and unhappy. Our happiness is now limited to external success.

Instead, if you invest in a process, you give yourself permission to be happy throughout. So long as your process is in place, you are satisfied. Now, you can love the process more than the goal itself. Achieving the goal is now a side effect. Don’t get me wrong. Setting goals are important because they enable us to win the battle. But by setting systems in place, we can win the war. When we set our eyes on the prize, (i.e., build systems), we think long term. It’s not just about a single accomplishment. It’s about multiple accomplishments; the system becomes a process of continuous improvement. Our progress is now based on our commitment to the system, not just a one-off achievement. The idea is to use goals as tools to redirect our focus. Once you know where you are headed, your focus will then be on the journey. The goal is a direction, not the destination. It helps you commit to the journey, but your attention needs to be on moving downstream. Goals are necessary to plan, but systems are necessary to achieve94. And a solid system can lead you to the path of peak performance. 81 “Jim & Andy,” Documentary on Netflix 82 “Jim Carrey’s Commencement Address to Maharishi University of Management’s Class of 2014” 83 https://www.nytimes.com/1994/08/01/movies/a-comic-on-the-edge-at-7-million-a-movie.html 84 https://scottjeffrey.com/personal-vision-statement/#7_Elements_to_Explore_for_Your_Life_Vision 85 https://www.oprah.com/spirit/how-oprah-winfrey-found-her-purpose 86 The Path of Least Resistance, Robert Fritz, Chapter 8, pg. 121 87 Profiles of the Future, Arthur C. Clarke 88 https://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/end-goals-vs-means-goals/ 89 https://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/end-goals-vs-means-goals/ 90 Bird by Bird, Anne Lamott 91 https://markmanson.net/question 92 “Joachim de Posada Says, Don’t Eat the Marshmallow Yet,” from Ted Talk 93 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanford_marshmallow_experiment 94 Atomic Habits, James Clear

SECTION 2: The Preparation

chapter 7: How to Prepare for Success

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n Do Less, Achieve More: Discover the Hidden Power of Giving In, Chin-Ning Chu speaks about a time where Clint Eastwood and Burt Reynolds were having dinner together. It was the ‘60’s and Clint had already played major roles in several successful films. Burt was a struggling actor who was curious as to how Clint had managed to get a break, to which Clint said: “I prepared myself for success95.” Now that you know what your vision is, how do you plan to make it a reality? Success rarely comes easily, and you are bound to experience some sort of difficulties along the way. Many of us have conditioned ourselves to the rat race and adopted a “9-5” mentality where we expect to retire by our mid-‘60s. Many of us don’t prepare ourselves for great opportunities the way successful people do. Opportunities exist all around us, successful people just go out and grab them. Then they prepare for the legwork required. Bill Gates is a great example of this. He started Microsoft in 1975, launched Windows in 1985, and made the company public in 1999. By this time, his wealth was over 100 billion dollars96. It took him 24 years to see the fruits of his labour, but that didn’t deter him. He had a vision, and he knew it would take years for it to grow from a

fledgeling business to one of the top tech companies of the world. When you plan for your success, you plant the seed. You nurture the seed knowing that one day it will provide you shelter. But before you take any action, you have to prepare yourself for the obstacles that come your way, and one of the greatest obstacles of all is fear.

How to Keep the Fear of Failure From Getting in the Way Ask yourself some questions about your fear97: Do you feel anxious to get to the end of the projects you do and move on to something else? If so, why? Why do you want to share your work with others? What does this say about the purpose of your work? If you had a Wikipedia entry, what would it say about you? By answering these questions, you will realize it is not fear itself that is the problem; it is the shame associated with losing. When we begin to associate failure with humiliation, we stop exploring. But there’s bigger shame in that. We can be afraid of losing, but our fear of starting is a personal shame. It reminds us of all the business we did not launch, the book we didn’t write, the investments we didn’t make. We are trying desperately to run from the feeling of being afraid, and in doing that we are not moving at all. Almost all of my mentees speak about fear. They want to get rid of their fear of speaking in public but want to get better before they expose themselves to a crowd. They want to quit smoking but don’t want to put on weight. They want to apply for internal positions but first want to build their skill level so that they have a sure shot. They

want to be perfect before they even begin. Over the course of a few years and several coaching experiences, I had twigged to the words people used when they were scared. I also reached my own realization about fear—there’s nothing wrong with it. In fact, in certain situations it is necessary. It is the price we pay for doing something that matters to us. Fear tells us what we need to do next. The greater the fear, the greater the resistance. The greater the resistance, the greater the need to do the deed. Just get started. Once you do, you create the opportunity to overcome your fear. But you can’t overcome all your fears all at once; if you try, there is a strong possibility of feeling overwhelmed. Instead, think of the smallest task you can master and think of the smallest audience you can do it in front of. Once you see that it wasn’t a life and death situation, you’ll realize there are more opportunities for you, and next time you can go bigger. You will fail, but both failure and success are indefinite. By believing that, you stay on track, even if you don’t get positive feedback. That way, when you do get negative feedback, it doesn’t derail you from the actual direction. The “no” just means “not right now” or “not like that.” Seth Godin is a blogger, author, entrepreneur, and speaker. He was also a failure once, in some respects. In fact, he wears his failures like a badge. He once said on stage at New York City’s Advertising week, “I think it’s safe to say that I have failed more than most people. And I’m super proud of that. Part of the rules of this game is,

the person who fails the most wins98.” The key is finding the balance in failing. If you fail too big, you’ve lost everything. If you fail too little, then maybe you haven’t done much. You need to find the in-between; failure itself is a skill. You need a mix of practicality and idealism. The idea is to push your limits, not to fall flat on your face. The internet has made it easy for us to connect with billions of people around the world at any time so now almost every human being has a platform. If we don’t use this opportunity now, then when will we? In retrospect, you’ll regret all the chances you didn’t take. You can do better than sitting around and whining about all the things that aren’t perfect now. You can’t wait for the right moment or answers. You can only make the most out of what you’ve been given. Had Shakespeare been born before or after his time, he may have chosen a different career path entirely. He took advantage of his skills and the climate of the times to write plays that connected society. Seth Godin mentioned in an interview with Marie Forleo99, life coach and motivational speaker, how blogging every day was one of the top five career decisions he made. His blog is one of the most popular blogs in the world. He wanted to leave behind a trail of thoughtful examination as he said this was a guaranteed way of getting better at what he did. Seth also learned a lot through intentionally seeking out things he was wrong about. This is because of a lesson he learned early on in his career. When the web came along, Godin thought it wouldn’t last.

He thought it was too slow and had no business model. As a result, his internet company did not have a website or a domain, and when he went out to purchase them, the prices had hiked. Since then, he has made it a point to take on ideas he isn’t convinced about and argue them in detail from the other side. By looking at the flip side, you train your brain to embrace the fear. You become aware of the very real possibility of being wrong and failing, and that’s okay. By creating these systems to overcome (and embrace) fear, you create room for productivity. Seth also talks about how productivity is a measure of how much you output for the time you have. Some are naturally more productive because they have an instinct to start, not to be perfect. In his interview, he speaks about a concept called “Buzzer Management.” The only way to ensure productivity (and overcome fear) is to press the buzzer before you’re sure of the answer. All the irrelevant tasks slip away. You only begin to focus on what’s relevant because you have made an external commitment, and now you have to live up to it100. Also, understand that failure is not about you. We are all investing the same time, effort, and energy and sometimes we will win while other times other people will win. From every failure, we will learn how to do things better. Nothing in life is permanent. Once we accept this, every failure becomes a way to get closer to the end goal. The long way ends up being the only way, and the only way to reach it is through consistent, balanced failure. Solve interesting problems. By failing at solving interesting problems, you’ll get good at them. It’s okay to fail if you put up a blog that no

one reads, write a book that gets poor reviews, or give a presentation that is subpar, because then you’ll know how to do it better next time. And just remember the following: 1. Don’t internalize your failures. Whether you fail or succeed is irrelevant. The world does not care either way. This gives you the opportunity to pursue what you want knowing that no one cares permanently. Your perceived failure can paralyze you, so choose to redefine it. 2. Keep the stakes high. Get out of your comfort zone. There’s no point if you are succeeding in a space that is comfortable, that’s just a way to hold yourself back from your full potential. If you feel out of your element, good. You’re probably doing it right. 3. Don’t wait for the perfect moment. Human beings are prone to chronic dissatisfaction. No matter how much money you make, you will want more. No matter how many promotions you get, you will still look for the next one. In short, there is no such thing as perfect. You will always feel unprepared for the next step. You only get better once you get started. 4. Step out of the indefinite mindset. Colonel Sanders is recognized around the world for his finger-lickin’ good chicken, but what many don’t know is how hard he had to work for most of his life101. He dropped out of school, his first wife left him because he was unable to keep a job, and he ended up running a gas station in Kentucky. In order to make some extra cash, he began

to cook meals for travellers and earned a reputation as a good chef. After a few years, he set up his first restaurant in 1939. But as life would have it, by 1950, he was again struck with bad luck. The first problem arose when the highway junction was switched to another location, which reduced customer traffic. The second hurdle was when a highway was built seven miles away. He sold the restaurant site and incurred a loss. Now he had to live on his savings as well as a monthly security check. Instead of giving up after these “failures,” he tried a new tactic. He travelled across the U.S. and offered his chicken recipe to potential franchisee restaurants for 4 cents on every chicken he sold. By 1964, he franchised 600 outlets and built a company worth millions of dollars. All those years of failure paid off. He was 73 years old. Neither your success nor your failure is guaranteed. Know that you are running your own race. Some people get promoted faster than others. For some, it takes longer than expected. There is no perfect age or time to do what you should. 5. The only sure shot way to fail is to never act. We all suffer from insecurities and vulnerabilities. The key is to not let them dictate our actions. In order to get started on any anything, ask yourself a simple question: What is the worst that can happen? 6. Be aware of real and imagined fears. Once you have thought about the worst case scenarios, you have greater clarity on what you are afraid of. Now focus on the root of it all. Think of all scenarios, list them down, and then categorize them as real or imagined. Then chuck the list of imagined fears in the bin, and work on ways to counter the real fears.

7. Enjoy the ride. Winning is just the outcome. It’s when you focus on playing that you give your best performance. 8. Failure is temporary. Any mistake you make is an opportunity to learn and grow. All of us live life by trial and error, and those who make no mistakes don’t live to the fullest. Consider instead the price you’d have to pay if you didn’t pursue your goal. 9. Simplify your thoughts. When the future is complex, it is difficult to visualize, and when you try to visualize it, you are bound to feel overwhelmed. The moment you break tasks down, you will have a new found clarity, which will be followed by a determination to take action. 10. Free your mind. Often we think of thoughts as commands. They’re not. They’re just random musings wafting through our minds, so treat them as such. Do not become a prisoner of your mind. Just because you have a certain thought doesn’t mean it’s true. Don’t believe every thought you have. Experience the thought, don’t react to it. Remember that all your idols have once been rejected. Jerry Seinfeld was booed off the stage at his first gig102, and Oprah Winfrey was fired from her reporter position103. It is only a rational and positive mindset that enables you to move out of your comfort zone and ensures that you are not your own greatest obstacle.

95 https://daringtolivefully.com/prepare-yourself-for-success 96 https://www.nytimes.com/1999/07/17/business/gates-hits-100-billion-mark-more-or-less.html 97 “CreativeLive,” Seth Godin 98 https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/251298 99 https://www.marieforleo.com/2016/10/seth-godin/ 100 https://seths.blog/2015/06/buzzer-management/ 101 https://www.mashed.com/131055/the-tragic-real-life-story-of-colonel-sanders/ 102 https://www.news.com.au/entertainment/books-magazines/books/jerry-seinfeld-opens-up-about-the-night-hebombed-on-stage/news-story/26c5e6527611f51a3f9ed22ed2d8c2bb 103 http://www.kazantoday.com/WeeklyArticles/oprah-winfrey.html

chapter 8: The Science of Sleep and Eating Healthy

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n terms of productivity and performance, sleep is more important than food104.

Most people sleep fewer hours because they want to work more, but the truth of the matter is, they are actually becoming less productive. We get so involved in the “hustle” and so busy emulating business gurus that we forget that we are actually damaging ourselves by not following the Sleep-Wake Cycle. Napoleon may have famously said, “Six hours’ sleep for a man, seven for a woman, and eight for a fool,” but science has proved him wrong over the centuries. Before we discuss the importance of sleep, let’s discuss the regular Sleep-Wake Cycle. The Sleep-Wake Cycle has two important elements: 1. Non-REM Sleep You begin the night with non-REM sleep, which is then followed by a short period of REM sleep. The cycle is ongoing throughout the night, and the first stage of non-REM sleep continues for several

minutes. During this time, your body functions such as your heartbeat and respiration begin to slow down and your muscles and your brain waves relax as well. The second stage accounts for 50% of your total sleep time. This is when your body systems continue to relax, your core temperature drops, your eye movements stop, and your brain waves slow down with bursts of activity. Stage 3 and 4 is when you experience Deep Sleep. This is when your heartbeat and your breathing are at their slowest and your muscles relax as well. Your brainwaves are the lowest they’ll be while you are asleep, and it is difficult to wake up even with loud noises. Deep sleep is also referred to as Delta Sleep or Slow Wave Sleep. The first stage lasts from 45 to 90 minutes; the longer periods continue for the first half of the night and become shorter with every cycle. 2. REM Sleep (Rapid Eye Movement) When we are in deep sleep, our brain stops responding to external stimuli, our blood pressure drops, and breathing becomes even. This is the time when it is difficult to wake anyone up. It is critical for us to sleep through this in order to repair our body. REM sleep is when our brain is active. At this point, our brain is clearing out any irrelevant information, improving our memory, and facilitating learning and neural growth. Our body temperatures rise, body pressure increases, and heart rate also increases. Usually, REM cycles occur three to five times a night. We need both deep periods of sleep, as well as REM sleep, to recover. If we miss out on either one, we suffer from physical repercussions. Your sleep-wake cycle is determined by the circadian rhythm, which

is a biological process that happens over the course of a day105. Mark Wu is John Hopkin’s sleep expert and neurologist who has dedicated time to learn about sleep and its effect on mental and physical health. According to Wu, two processes help regulate sleep: circadian rhythms and sleep drive106. Circadian rhythm is our biological clock. This is located in the brain and responds to stimuli such as light cues, melatonin (a hormone that controls temperature), etc. Usually, people who are fully blind find it difficult to sleep because they are unable to receive the light cues. Our body craves sleep the way it craves food. Over the course of the day, your desire to sleep builds until you reach a point where you’re ready to doze off. The major difference is that your body can’t force you to eat when you’re hungry, but it can force you to sleep when you are tired enough (e.g., your body can even manage microsleep for one or two seconds while your eyes are still open)! In order to understand how much sleep you actually need, let’s take a look at research conducted at the University of Pennsylvania and Washington State University about the cumulative effect of sleep107. The experiment was conducted by getting 48 healthy men and women who slept for an average of seven to eight hours at night. These subjects were divided into four groups: a. The first group stayed up for three nights without sleeping. b. The second group slept for four hours per night. c. The third slept for 6 hours per night d. The fourth slept for 8 hours per night.

The last three groups stuck to this pattern for two weeks. Throughout the duration of the experiment, the subjects were tested on their physical and mental performance. The fourth group (i.e., the ones who slept for a full eight hours) had no issues with cognitive function, attention, or motor skills. The groups that slept for four and six hours showed a decline throughout the week. The four hour group performed poorly, but even the sixhour group didn’t perform well. There were two key findings of this study: 1. Sleep debt accumulates over time. After the first week of the experiment, 25% of the six-hour group was performing as if they hadn’t slept for two days. 2. Participants were unaware of the decline. Participants thought that their performance self-corrected even though their performance was getting worse every day. We need to clock in a certain amount of sleep to ensure brain plasticity (i.e., the brain’s ability to process what we learned during the day). Research also suggests that by sleeping, our body is able to remove the waste products that are produced by our brain cells; this does not happen as efficiently when our brain is awake. Another reason sleep is very important is because when people don’t receive enough sleep, their health risks increase. People who don’t sleep enough suffer from symptoms of depression, seizures, high blood pressure, and even migraines. Since our body does not have enough time to rest, our immunity is also affected, which increases our chances of illnesses and infections. Some recent research has also suggested that bad sleep can also contribute to

the onset of Alzheimer’s disease. Two toxic proteins (i.e., betaamyloid and tau proteins) that are associated with this disease are said to be caused by sleep deprivation108. On average, adults up to the age of 40 need 7 to 7.5 hours of sleep. Our need for sleep decreases over time and adults over 60 spends 5.5 to 6 hours sleeping. To determine how much sleep is important for you, pay attention to your body. The best time to sleep may vary for you; however, it is still important to sleep at appropriate times for the best quality. Dr. Matt Walker, the head of the Sleep and Neuroimaging Lab at the University of California, Berkley, said that the time you go to sleep makes a difference to the quality and the structure of your sleep. Since the ratio of REM to non-REM changes and evolves throughout the night (non-REM sleep is towards the earlier part of the night while REM sleep takes place closer to sunlight), this means that by sleeping late at night, you could end up getting insufficient non-REM sleep. Ideally, you should be in bed anytime between 8 p.m. to midnight109. Till Roenneberg is a Professor of Chronobiology at LudwigMaximillian University in Munich who says that everybody has their own internal timing profile known as the sleep chronotype. This concept was first tested in 1972 by Michel Siffre who was a French scientist who laid the foundations for chronobiology (i.e., the study of biological rhythms). Siffre made it his mission to understand how biological rhythms work. He climbed into a cave in southwest Texas, and kept his belongings basic. He had frozen foods, water, and a single lightbulb. He had no way to determine whether it was night or day, and he lived in these conditions for six months. His

biological clock took over within a few days110. His records show how the quality of his sleep was perfect. His body chose when to eat and when to sleep, and he discovered that his sleep-wake cycle was 24 hours and 30 minutes, slightly longer than a human’s planned day111. How you sleep is mostly genetic, so pay attention to your body. Additionally, to determine whether you are getting enough sleep or not, pay attention to a few tell-tale signs: 1. You fall asleep within five minutes of lying on your bed (the average adult takes between 17-20 minutes). 2. You use the snooze button often. 3. You feel sleepy or lethargic through the day. 4. You feel sleepy when you aren’t involved in an activity or when you are driving. 5. You fall asleep without meaning to while watching TV or reading a book. 6. You feel sleepy post meals. 7. You find it difficult to pay attention to things (sleep deprivation adversely affects memory). 8. You feel tired most of the time. Once you have identified the symptoms, you can manage an improved sleeping schedule by focusing on three factors: 1. Your Body Take care of your body through exercise. It helps you sleep better and reduces your stress, but as with anything, it should be in moderation. Do not perform vigorous exercise up to three hours

before you sleep. In case you have no other alternative, walk before you sleep. You should also be careful about what you put in your body. While it is okay to have a light snack two to four hours before you go to sleep, try and avoid food with simple carbohydrates and sugars. Avoid caffeinated beverages and alcohol too. Although drinking does make you drowsy, it reduces the quality of your sleep. Ideally, you should not eat after 7 p.m., especially meat. Make sure you are hydrated so that your body can repair throughout the night without waking up for a glass of water. 2. Your Environment Sleep in a soothing environment. Your room should be cool, dark, and quiet. Some people like a little sound, in which case try listening to soothing music, but keep the noise levels low. The ideal sleeping temperature is between 65 and 72 degrees Fahrenheit/18-22 Celsius. Remove all electrical appliances such as TVs, computers, etc. Put your phone on airplane mode, and make the room as dark as possible. When you dim the lights, your body starts creating melatonin. This causes you to feel tired and sleep faster. Once you wake up, go out and get some sunlight. This reduces the production of melatonin and produces serotonin instead. To aid your sleep cycle, try and get as much light exposure as possible. Avoid blue light, as it stimulates your sensors and sends signals to your brain to wake up. Most modern light bulbs and electronic devices produce large amounts of blue light that can disrupt your internal clock. In order to do this, you could use amber-tinted

glasses. These block our blue light so it doesn’t give our brain a signal that it is supposed to be awake. Another way to inhibit blue light exposure is to install a program call f.lux on your computer. This adjusts the color and brightness of your screen based on the time zone. When it is dark outside, it gives your monitor an orange hue. Apps such as these are available on your phone as well. You can also use certain precautionary measures yourself such as switching off your lights one to two hours before bedtime, getting an orange reading lamp, or keeping your bedroom completely dark. 3. Your Mind The more stressed we are, the more difficult we find it to sleep. Try and plan your tasks for the next day beforehand. Write down everything you need to remember and pin it for the next day. You could also journal before you sleep. Use this time to write about your day, list down things you are grateful for, or list down things you appreciate about yourself. This might help you reflect and put you in a positive state of mind. Another great way of switching off your mind is by creating a sleeping ritual. How often has it happened that you have driven somewhere in your car and woken out of your reverie to realize you’re already home? We conduct certain functions on auto-pilot and by creating a pre-sleep ritual, we give our body the chance to strengthen our circadian rhythm and sleep-cycle. It is advisable not to conduct activities that will make your mind race (i.e., watch television, play games, use your cell phone). Instead, do relaxing activities like meditating, reading, and stretching. Our mental health has a direct effect on our physical health, and a

healthy lifestyle supports a successful life, which boils down to a few basic behaviors. One of them is sleeping better and taking care of your body and another is eating healthy. A research was conducted by the Columbia University Medical Center112 where researchers monitored sleep patterns for 26 adults over the course of five nights, based on sleeping habits. For the first four days, participants ate food high in protein and low in saturated fat, and on the last night the participants could eat whatever they liked. The researchers observed their sleep pattern for the first four days, and then the last day separately. The results were then published, which showed that what we eat plays a large role in how we sleep. By eating low-fat and high protein diets, the subject fell asleep 17 minutes earlier on average. When participants ate as they pleased, they took nearly twice as long to fall asleep (i.e., 30 minutes). The fat- and sugar-based foods also reduced the quality of sleep for the subjects, and they woke up more often through the night. Diet and sleep are interlinked and form the foundations of a healthy lifestyle. Most people baulk at the idea of eating healthy because they associate it with tasteless food, but that doesn’t need to be the case. Instead of following fad diets or eliminating any food groups (all have their place in our lives), we can instead develop certain eating habits that are easy to follow: 1. Eat what you like. If you eat food you don’t enjoy, you won’t stick to your plan. Stick to a regimen and choose consistency over fad diets. 2. Control your portions.

Eating is the worst kind of addiction because food is a necessary part of sustenance. The problem arises when we let the psychological element of eating get the better of us. Many of us eat out of boredom, when we are angry, or when we’re sad. In order to develop a healthy attitude towards food, we need to build awareness in terms of what we put in our body. Apps such as My Fitness Pal assist in monitoring diets and building awareness. This enables you to keep an eye on how much you are eating so you don’t overindulge. 3. Create your own meal plans. The restaurant industry is thriving mainly because we strive for convenience. Convenience is not always the best health decision as there are many calories packed in to take-out food. To avoid this and keep our calories in check, we need to pack our own portions and ensure that we are eating balanced meals. 4. Eat more vegetables- especially greens. Studies have shown that plant-based diets decrease your cholesterol and encourage weight loss. You don’t necessarily need to eliminate meat or dairy unless you are intolerant or have allergies. What you should aim for is a diet that has vegetables along with sources of protein such as eggs, seafood, and meat. Half of your plate (or box) should be veggies. 5. Get rid of soda, sweet drinks, and processed foods. Sweetened drinks take up a lot of calories but don’t satiate your appetite. A study was conducted over eight years by Harvard researchers113 that included 50,000 women and the consequences of either quitting sweetened drinks or consuming them more.

Participants who increased their intake gained weight and also increased their risk of developing Type 2 diabetes. Meanwhile, those who reduced their intake did not face any negative results. White sugar should be eliminated from all diets due to its adverse impact on the brain and the liver. Avoid readymade products unless they are certified, and as a rule of thumb, buy simple products and cook by yourself if possible. Cooking yourself means you are in control of what you put into your body and the awareness of the ingredients will help you make better decisions. 6. Increase your protein intake. Protein is an important macronutrient to consume as it provides fuel to muscles and also keeps you full. It reduces dips in insulin by slowing down carbohydrate breakdown into sugar. Balance your diet with whole grain, vegetables, and protein like fish, beans, and eggs. You should ideally rely on free range meat. This refers to farming methods where animals are allowed (at least for part of the day) to roam around freely outdoors. Invest in this from time to time. Vegetarians can include vegetables and whole grain in their diet but should be mindful of their B-12 intake and take supplements in case of shortages. 7. Don’t reduce your fat intake. We have been programmed to hate fats and consume non-fat items by the dozen. The problem with that is that it increases sugar and carbohydrate intake, which is far worse. By reducing your carbohydrate intake, you can stabilize your blood sugar levels and in turn improve weight loss and energy levels. 8. Steer clear of items that are labelled “low-fat,” “light,” or “reduced

weight.” Most of the items that are labelled such are highly processed in order to taste like their full-fat versions. As a result, manufacturers usually end up adding extra sugar, which causes weight gain and reduced energy levels. 9. Introduce healthy fats to your diet. Many people cut fat out of their diet because of the impact it has on their total caloric intake. Since fat is high in calories, cutting it out leaves room to consume more calories throughout the day. Recent research has suggested that by eating fat, we can lose weight because it makes us feel full and reduces our sugar intake. Aside from losing weight, it also helps our brains function more efficiently. While “bad fat” (i.e., saturated fats) can cause loss of memory and cognition over time, “good fats” have a positive impact on your brain. Your brain holds 25% of your body’s cholesterol114, which in turn helps

neurons

connect

with

other

neurons.

These

neuron

connections are imperative for memory and learning. In order to use healthy fats such as Omega 3 fatty acids to help with brain cognition, stick to fats from sources like nuts, avocados, fish, and even olive oil and coconut oil. 10. Remove sugar from your diet. A lot of evidence suggests that most of our weight gain (and fatigue) can be attributed to our sugar consumption. Research published in the Journal of Food and Nutrition Research suggests that people who end up eating refined carbohydrates like sugar are more likely to gain weight over time115. Steer clear of sugars, and always check the labels of processed foods to check for hidden sugars. Even when

you’re eating salads, have a look at the dressings and sauces you use to ensure that they don’t include sugar. 11. Switch white rice and bread for whole grain. Refined carbohydrates and weight gain are closely linked. This is because refined carbohydrates can be converted to sugar very easily. Instead, whole grains get digested slowly and keep you full for longer stretches. Whole grains have fibre-rich outer shells (e.g., germ and bran), which are stripped off in refined carbohydrates. By consuming whole grains, you are able to maintain a nutritious, lowcalorie diet. 12. Avoid trans fat. This is different from regular fats as it has been produced by industries by adding hydrogen to liquid vegetable. When it ends up solid, it contributes to bad cholesterol, which is strongly linked to heart diseases. It is available in processed foods such as cakes, cookies, chips, and pastries. When searching on processed food, identify it on the label as “partially hydrogenated oils.” 13. Create benchmarks Most nutritionists encourage healthy weight loss where they limit weight loss to one to three pounds a week (this is the maximum range). By slowly losing weight, you allow yourself to create new patterns of exercise and eating. 14. Again, allow yourself to fail, and then self-correct immediately. There is no such thing as a perfect diet and from time to time you are bound to make mistakes. It is perfectly normal to slip up, but make a conscious decision to avoid this whenever you can. Think about the

places where you are most likely to succumb to temptation, and plan for alternatives. Where you know you won’t have options, plan ahead and make yourself a healthy snack. Carry hummus, carrots, cucumber, yoghurt, nuts, or any other inexpensive food items that are healthy and nutritious to keep you on the bandwagon. 15. Give intermittent fasting a chance. Different diets fit different people, but a popular notion to consider is intermittent fasting. There are different versions of this that exist, but one of the most popular ones is where people eat for 8 hours and fast for 16 hours. This is thought to be as reliable a method to lose weight as a traditional diet. While there is not enough research yet to show the exact benefits in humans, studies have been conducted on animals to show the reduced risk of cancers and ultimately increasing life span. For people who find intermittent fasting tedious, there are other alternatives. A twelve-hour window to eat is great to balance your diet (e.g., you could eat your first meal at 7 a.m. and then your last meal at 7 p.m). This is a practice that the Chinese follow and it is endorsed by most TCM specialists and dieticians. 16. Drink as much water as you can. Hunger pangs can be prevented by drinking water thirty minutes before your meal. This is a sure shot way to reduce your overall appetite. As with anything, keep your water intake in moderation. Drink up to eight glasses of water a day, with your greatest intake in the morning. Caffeine addicts would be surprised to learn that a glass of warm water with lemon is excellent for detoxification and makes the mind more alert than coffee does.

17. Don’t shop when you’re hungry. Hungry shoppers are not the best shoppers because they are more likely to pick up junk food. When we are hungry, we imagine eating all kinds of food that is bad for us, which leads to impulse buying that can cause weight gain overtime. Make sure you shop when you’re full so that you make smarter purchases. 18. Eat the right breakfast. If you eat a healthy (and filling) breakfast in the morning, you will kickstart your metabolism early. 19. Don’t snack after dinner. Eating post-dinner is usually a bad idea because the snacks are mostly high-fat and high carbohydrate foods. Limit your meals to a reasonable hour (i.e., 8 p.m. can be a cut-off). That way you give your body enough time to recuperate and you can also sleep comfortably. 20. Don’t starve yourself. After World War II, research was conducted where 36 male volunteers were starved for twenty-four weeks116. They had to conduct a low-fat diet where they were limited to eating 1600 calories a day (an average man should eat 600-1500 calories more than that depending on their body type). For the first twelve weeks, men lost up to a pound a week after which they only lost 0.25 pounds a week. It also had a psychological and physical impact on the men as many began to think obsessively about food, while others suffered from hair loss and their wounds healed slowly. When the men finally began to eat again, they binge ate and

consumed as much as 10,000 calories a day. Within twenty weeks post the research, the men had gained 50% more body weight than when they began the study. Instead of starving yourself and setting yourself up to fail (since your body does need food to survive), understand how many calories your body needs, and then slowly reduce your caloric intake. By eating the right food, you can power your brain to focus, and by sleeping the right amount, you enable your brain to regenerate, make memories, and rid itself of excess waste. Don’t just get caught up in the action; take the time out to keep your mind and spirit connected. You are more likely to increase your productivity when your body is not in overdrive. Schedule in times to eat so that you don’t have to expend energy thinking about it. Regulate your time for your breakfast, lunch, and dinner so that your body accustoms itself to the pattern, and you spend less time trying to decide when to eat. This eliminates unnecessary decision making and makes the brain function efficiently. 21. Work out in the morning. While working out is beneficial no matter what time of the day you plan it, it is advisable to lock in an early morning workout before you’ve had your breakfast to speed up weight loss as well as boost your energy level for the day. This way your body starts tapping into your fat reserves and also gives you enough sunlight to fix your body’s internal circadian rhythm. However, before deciding to switch your workouts up, get an understanding of your body’s needs. Whether working out in the morning works for you or not depends on your lifestyle and whether your job even permits you to make that

time for yourself. You should still make time to add sunlight to your day, especially if you live in colder climates with limited sunlight. People living in colder climates could suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)117. In such a case, light therapy is an effective treatment. Here you expose people to light that is administered to them daily. Research suggests that people’s moods alter depending on the amount of light exposure they are given. Whether it is a twominute walk away from your work table to get some light exposure, or whether you wake up to catch the sunrise, make time for some natural light for some natural mood upliftment.

104 https://fs.blog/2013/11/the-science-of-sleep/ 105 https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/the-science-of-sleep-understanding-whathappens-when-you-sleep 106 https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/the-science-of-sleep-understanding-whathappens-when-you-sleep 107 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12683469 108 https://www.nih.gov/news-events/nih-research-matters/sleep-deprivation-increases-alzheimers-protein 109 https://scopeblog.stanford.edu/2014/08/28/a-window-of-time-for-better-sleep/ 110 http://www.cabinetmagazine.org/issues/30/foer.php 111 https://nypost.com/2017/01/22/this-explorer-discovered-human-time-warp-by-living-in-a-cave/ 112 https://www.rd.com/health/healthy-eating/low-fat-high-protein-food-sleep/ 113 https://www.afr.com/lifestyle/health/fitness/these-15-sciencebacked-healthy-eating-tips-have-nothing-to-do-withcalories-20180709-h12ezq 114 https://fitminds.ca/brain-health-nutrition-your-fat-brain/ 115 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5787353/ 116 https://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/30/opinion/diet-advice-that-ignores-hunger.html 117 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2913518/

chapter 9: Reorienting Your Life and Priorities

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ften, the impact we are able to create with our lives depends on our priorities. What we prioritize takes precedence, so if you are clear on where you stand, you will make swifter decisions that guide your life choices. When prioritizing, cut the frills. Think of the areas of your life that are meaningful and important to you. These may be relationships, activities, hobbies, or even a career you want to put time and effort into. Often, it is not our understanding of our priorities that get in the way, it’s that everything is a priority. We end up overwhelming ourselves by taking on more than we can manage. We all have a knack for this, yet chances of achieving that are low, which is why it is important to have certain strategies in place. You can start by defining the top priorities in your life. A way to do this could be by118 drawing three circles (like a Venn diagram) and then choosing the areas that you want to focus on. Give yourself a time frame (e.g., three months), and then think of the activities that can (and should) take precedence for that period. Then you could further divide these priorities into activities. For example, if you list

health as a priority, activities could including eliminating sugar or controlling your portions. Once you have written them down, you could further narrow down your list and funnel it to your most important activities. Your priorities should be based on what you care about the most. Marshall Goldsmith is one of the world’s leading executive educators and coaches who has a simple strategy to reorient one’s life. When asked by executives how they should prioritize the big moments in life, he tells them to imagine themselves on their deathbed. This is similar to the obituary exercise we discussed earlier, but he does not suggest this as a onetime exercise. Every time you feel unsure of your decision, think of yourself on your last breath. Imagine being given the opportunity to go back and give the old you some advice. What would you tell yourself? What really matters? Is it really your performance appraisal? Or is it that niggling feeling that somehow life has gone astray? Chances are, what the old, wise man is telling you is correct (even if it is the more difficult path to follow). Old people often have clarity that we don’t, and their decisions fall under a few basic themes: 1. Do not look for happiness in the future. Appreciate what you do have when you have it. It is not about the next big thing, it’s about the present. The crux of mindfulness and meditation exercises is to bring the person to the present moment. With practice, one begins to realize that the past and present don’t exist. All we have is this fleeting moment in the present, and the choices we make now have the power to change the pattern of the past or set the tone for the future.

2. Friends and family matter. Capitalism concentrates on personal profits and self-interest, but we often forget that in making time only for work and money, we neglect what matters the most. You will not think about the PowerPoint presentations you made on your death bed; you will think of your cherished moments with your children or your family members or the moments you ended up missing. Don’t live a life full of regret, choose what matters. 3. Give your dream a chance. Even if you are in your 30’s, it is not too late to pursue what you want, although you should get started as soon as you can. The longer you leave it, the less likely you are to pursue it at a later stage. Don’t be deterred by the fact that it may not come true, not all dreams do. It is the pursuit of the dream that will bring happiness, not the attainment of the dream itself. Listen to your older self, he or she knows best. How you choose to live your life will be determined by the priorities you set, so choose some practical tips to execute what is most important to you. Here are a few to consider: a. Make a list of your most important tasks. A great way to de-stress is to make a list of all the things you need to do in a day. Keep the tasks simple, just list them down. Organize them in terms of what is important to accomplish that day. While everything will seem important or urgent at first, look at the five tasks you need to accomplish in order to keep your momentum. Do those and leave the rest.

b. Delegate the tasks you can’t complete yourself. Some tasks are not unique to our skill set but still need to be finished. If you see your list of tasks mounting and there are many items of equal importance, see which ones can be done without your help and ask others to do it for you. Have a look at your list of priorities for the day, and then bifurcate the tasks in terms of things you need to do yourself and things that others can do for you. c. Distinguish between the important tasks and the urgent tasks. Another way to bifurcate your list and time is to see tasks that are important and those that are urgent. Your initial impulse will be to mark all tasks as important. Look at your list again, and look at the tasks you need to do in order to continue a chain of work. One task should lead to the other in order to complete a certain goal. If a task exists that seems ad hoc and doesn’t continue the chain, reevaluate it by either postponing it for the moment or removing it altogether. Some work is just busy work and doesn’t need to be done. Learn to differentiate to allow yourself more time in the day. d. Divide your work into quadrants. Stephen Covey introduced what is known as a quadrant system and that can help you build your priorities properly. Once you have listed all your tasks, you can divide them into the following quadrants: i. Important and Urgent ii. Important and Not Urgent

iii. Not Important but Urgent iv. Not Important and Not Urgent119 The last two quadrants are the small rocks; these are emails, meetings, or just catch-ups with your colleagues. Every task holds a place and some value, but should mainly be pursued after completing the tasks that are important. If the important tasks are pending, the third and fourth quadrant can wait. You should spend most of your time in the second quadrant as these are the tasks that will propel you forward and make you better at your job. Focus on the second quadrant, and then address tasks that crop up from quadrant one as and when you have to confront them. e. Don’t let anyone derail you from your list. Often when we know what we need to do, life gets in the way. The only way to prevent that from happening is by sticking to a plan. Block out chunks of time in which you complete tasks the way you should and carve out time for the unexpected as well. Block thirty minutes to an hour a day where other people can approach you so you still make time for unscheduled tasks. This way you have built in contingencies for the unknown into your current schedule. It’s an excellent way to prevent life from overwhelming you. f. Set up reminders on your phone. Use smartphones to your advantage by setting up reminders. Sometimes we get so involved in a current task that we forget the other priorities we have lined up. By setting up reminders or alarms, we are reminded of all the tasks we need to complete for the day. g. Eat a frog.

This idea became popular after Brian Tracy’s book Eat That Frog, which talks about addressing the overpowering feeling of ennui you experience when you have to do a task you don’t want to. The saying goes that if you eat a live frog early in the morning, the worst part of the day is already over. Things only get better from there … we hope. i. Make time to do nothing. Schedule time in the day where you do nothing and your priority then becomes your family, friends, or yourself. When planning your work day, account for your personal time as well. In your overarching list of priorities, the family is important and the only way to be there is to take out time consistently. There will be times where there will be lapses, but for the most part, consistent effort will help you nurture your relationships. It will also give your mind some rest. When you step out of your work zone, you will also be able to think differently and come up with different ideas. Understand that family time and personal time is also separate. At times families might have expectations from us and might require our emotional and mental energy. To fully recharge, you need to make time for yourself. To reach your peak performance, you need to create time for fun and leisure as well. When you begin to plan your priorities for the day, don’t let random events distract you, and spend some time carving out your list. It is easy to become a reactor in life, so make it your mission to give your undivided attention to a task until it is time for the next thing to crop up. Every daily priority should be connected to your goal. If it isn’t, it’s not a priority.

118 https://theblissfulmind.com/2018/04/29/top-priorities-in-life/ 119 http://www.planetofsuccess.com/blog/2015/stephen-coveys-time-management-matrix-explained/

chapter 10: How to Declutter Your Life and Mind

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ecluttering benefits you in terms of productivity, but it goes beyond that too. A study published in “The Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin” proved that women who lived in cluttered homes had higher levels or cortisol (the stress hormone) and were more depressed120. The Princeton Neuroscience Institute conducted a study in 2011, which corroborates this finding; the visual stimuli of seeing clutter can cause your brain additional stress and limit how much you can absorb121. Your outer world is a reflection of your inner world. This isn’t just limited to your perception of the world around you. How you conduct your life gives the onlooker a fair idea of where you stand. Clutter is symbolic of the emotional and mental obstacles you have. Why not free yourself once and for all? Once you’re done making your list, it might be a good idea to zoom out and look at your life objectively. Does that need to be decluttered as well? Is your room messy? Does your desk look like a tornado has struck? Are there a million ideas swimming in your mind? Before you even

begin habit building, it might be a good idea to start simplifying your life. 1. Declutter your physical environment. You can start from anywhere, maybe begin with your work desk. Take out ten minutes in the day and categorize the things lying on it. Before you start putting things back in their place, ask yourself whether you really need that item. If you do not, recycle it or give it to someone who would benefit from it. Do this for ten minutes daily and tackle a different space every time. What are the things you need, and what are the things you love? Keep them, cherish them, and find comfort in them. By setting aside ten minutes every day, you are setting the tempo for the rest of your life. The decluttering exercise is a catalyst that will set a chain reaction in motion. When you plan out your tasks for the week, plan an area that you will declutter. It could be your wardrobe, your book collection, or even your kitchen. Start small and sometimes revisit certain places. When you begin this exercise, you might feel uncomfortable at the prospect of having to let go of certain things, especially if they hold sentimental value. Human beings tend to horde because they like the idea of clinging to certain memories. These items serve as memorabilia that transport them to the past. You are allowed to be sentimental about certain objects, just be selective about what you will keep. If you are unsure about certain items, put them in a separate section and label it as “Maybe.” Revisit this space after a while. If you think this decision is a difficult one to make, ask for help. Your family or friends may be impartial enough to tell you what you do and don’t need.

Oprah Winfrey popularized the Closet Hanger Experiment; in this, you are required to hang your clothes on hangers in the reverse direction. Once you have worn them, you place them back in the closet facing the correct way122. Within six months, you’ll see which clothes you can discard and which you need to keep. You can use the same strategy to declutter other physical objects as well. 2. Declutter your schedule. When you start decluttering the world around you, you will feel a weight lift. You will enjoy a space that is free of excess, and the simplicity will become addictive. Being in a physical space that is free can also lead you to declutter other aspects of your life, personal and professional. You could begin by reducing unessential personal and professional commitments. Guard your time and make time for relationships and people who nurture you and bring positivity to your life. Reduce the time you spend in the digital world and go out there and experience life again. Do you need to be on Facebook four times a day? Do you need to follow every health website on Instagram? How many things do you actually need? In a society built on consumption, it is often important to ask yourself this question. While we all worry about missing out, don’t drown yourself in activities. Limit yourself to activities you actually cherish and those that don’t drain you. Choose a couple of social actions for the week and use the rest of your time to relax and give yourself some time. Learn how to say no, even to yourself. There are certain people who are toxic and take a toll on your personal energy. Evaluate your relationships and see the ones that

bring you joy. You can identify true friendships by seeing who is there when you need them, not just there when the going is easy. Deepen those relationships and stop investing in those that exhaust you. It is not about how many relationships you have, it’s about the quality of your relationships. To make time for quality relationships, you also need to establish a work-life balance. This is something many struggle with in the 21st century, especially since most of us wear a badge of honour for how hard we work, instead of what value we provide and receive. Don’t bury yourself in your tasks, because it will be difficult for you to see the bigger picture. You need to see which tasks you must get done in a day because the work never ends. See what tasks can roll over to the next day and what tasks you need to do in a day to make sure you’re prepared for what’s next. Once you have done that, you make time for the rest of your life. Remember, your work is something you do, not who you are. Make time for everything that matters. 3. Declutter your digital space. A large chunk of our day is spent in the digital space. Even if we don’t work in the corporate world, many of us spend time working on a computer. Whether you love technology or need it to finish your job, chances are that your digital space also needs a cleanse. Follow these tips to keep your digital life as simple as your physical space: a. Keep your file names consistent. When you are titling files, make sure that you keep them simple and that everything that is titled follows the same roles (i.e., if you have different iterations of a particular document, you could label it as V1, V2, or V3 in order to keep a track of the one that you need).

Alternatively, you could add a date at the end of it to see what the most recent file is. Once you save your files with consistent names, you won’t need to save unnecessary copies of the same work or redo it. You could also put your files in different categories. Which ones are personal, financial, or work related? Even your work-related folders can be broken down into further categories so that it is easy to locate the file you need. b. Customize your labels. Keep shortcuts for your most frequently used items. This way you have access to the files and locations you need immediately without having to sift through pre-installed programs. Use the same strategy for your inboxes. Outlook and Gmail both have options to build categories. This gives you the opportunity to file away your emails based on your projects. Within those projects, you can further divide your emails into segments so that you have easy access. c. Do not save everything on your desktop. Your desktop is the first thing you will set your eyes on. If you dump everything you download on it, you are asking for anxiety. The clutter is the first thing you will greet the moment you open your laptop. Instead, let your default setting be your Downloads, and then take out ten minutes in a week to see where you can allocate your downloaded files. It’s a welcome opportunity to reevaluate what you need to keep or delete. d. Set reminders to declutter. Set inbuilt reminders in your calendar to clean your laptop. Clutter builds up when you are not continuously cleaning up.

e. Work full screen. Whatever you are working on, let it occupy the whole screen. This way you will not be distracted by the other apps you have open on your computer. When you are not stressing about other pending tasks, you can complete the work you are doing single-mindedly and avoid multitasking. f. Reduce your apps. While it seems like having multiple apps can help you organize yourself better, it actually reduces your productivity. If you have an app for everything, you are bound to be distracted. Look at the apps that you don’t use, and remove them from your phone. If you still need them from time to time, you can always use the website when the need arises. This comes in handy for applications you use once a month. Alternatively, you could download the app as and when you need it. g. Get rid of notifications. Ideally, you should keep your phone away and in airplane mode when you are working, at least until the most important task of the day is finished. If this is impossible for you, you could at least turn off your notifications for certain applications. This way you won’t be tempted to look at your phone every time your screen lights up. It is also a good way to keep your anxiety at bay. h. Keep most of your apps in folders. Folders help you organize yourself and keep things you don’t need hidden from sight. Divide your files into categories (e.g., work, personal, music) so that you have to go and access the file you are

looking for instead of randomly clicking on apps out of compulsion. 4. Declutter your mind. To truly reach peak productivity and flow, you need to clear storage space in your own mind. Your mind does not need to store everything. Use a tool where you can store pieces of information that you can refer to later. You could use Excel sheets or apps like Todoist, Evernote, or even a simple pad of paper to store ideas for the future. Keeping a journal is also a great way to empty your mind of the constant chatter that goes on. You can use it as a place to dump your worries, write down ideas that aren’t fully cooked, or address relationships that are weighing down on you. By doing this, you free your mind for thoughts that bring you more joy, plus it also helps you sleep better. Most importantly, let go off the past. Our mind is preoccupied with the things we did or didn’t do. These are the mistakes we made, the opportunities we missed, people we hurt, those who hurt us, and so on. Address those problems and those feelings. The reason these thoughts still exist is that we haven’t taken the time to confront our feelings. Discard memories that don’t bring you joy by assessing why you cling on to them. Remove the judgement from the situation and consider it critically. Did the old you have the wisdom you have now? If not, how can you blame someone who made decisions based on experiences different from yours? We are always evolving and judging ourselves based on how we’ve grown, which isn’t fair. Allow yourself space to be and forgive yourself for opportunities missed. All you need to do is focus on the

present to rectify past mistakes and build a better future. Some people’s problems and pasts are more crippling than others. If you have had traumatic experiences, a difficult childhood, or toxic relationships, have a look at them. In case where these problems are severe, seek counselling and help. In other situations, use tools that can help you heal. Yoga is a great way to connect with your body, and meditation can help achieve that by bringing your attention to your physical self. Free up your mind by letting go of your past. Even in the present, there are certain situations you can do away with. For example, every day there are certain decisions that can take up unnecessary space. Jot down all the activities you do in a day and see the ones you can do on auto-pilot. Can you set aside what you will wear, plan what you will eat, or schedule your work out beforehand? By taking care of these small tasks from before, you can free your mind for more important tasks. You won’t always succeed, but by doing the right thing most of the time, you will still gear yourself for success.

The 80-20 Rule The 80-20 rule is also known as the Pareto Principle, which means that 80% of the effects of anything are a result of 20% of the causes123. This idea was named after an Italian economist called Vilfredo Pareto who made this connection as far back as 1896 in his published work, “Cours d’économie politique,” by showing how 80% of the land in Italy was owned by 20% of the population. Although this idea was first developed in order to understand income and wealth distribution across certain populations, it has since been used in different fields that range from economics to mathematics.

Even many natural phenomena are said to be subject to this rule124. Microsoft noted that by resolving 20% of the most reported bugs, 80% of the errors can be fixed125. Endurance-based athletes report that 20% of exercises and habits have a lasting impact as opposed to varied training126. In the world of business, it is said that 80% of business comes from 20% of the clients127. In short, the top 20% is the “vital few,” while 80% is the “trivial many.” The 80-20 rule is often misrepresented; this rule is a precept, not a mathematical law. While there isn’t much scientific analysis that proves or disproves this concept, the rule itself is valid. The numbers are just indicators; your focus should be on the practice. If you practically apply this principle to your life, it takes the pressure of off being perfect. Choose small actions that will lead to large gains. Sometimes, this constraint can help spur creativity. This was a powerful principle known as the “Theory of Constraints128,” introduced by a business management guru named Eliyahu Goldratt. Whenever we set out to accomplish a goal, we are confronted with obstacles. Your job is to eliminate that constraint and consequently speed up the process. Dr. Seuss wrote Green Eggs and Ham as a result of a bet he made in 1960. The founder of Random House, one of the top publishing houses of the world, Bennett Cerf, placed a bet with Theo (Dr. Seuss) where he challenged him to write an entertaining book for a child using 50 words. The result was Green Eggs and Ham, which is one of the best-selling children’s books in history129. When you are setting out to do work, identify what your constraints are. Most of you will be able to identify the hindrances that lie between your goals and how you occupy your time. What’s holding

you back? Competency? Skill? You can apply the 80-20 rule in the following different facets of your life: 1. Work and Business Are you a freelancer? Executive? Manager? Entrepreneur? No matter what your line of work is, you can boil your profits down to a few smart decisions. Who are the customers who buy the most from you, which posts bring 90% of your traffic? Identify the key tasks that you do that get you the most result, and then think of how you can amplify that even further. A good way to do this might be to tabulate data. List down your projects, your sales, and the number of purchases you have in a month, and then try and derive insights from your data. While the numbers may not be an exact depiction, they are directional and at least indicate where your efforts should be directed. 2. Productivity This metric is a great way to refocus your priorities. You end up thinking about your tasks deeply and see the ones with the most lasting impact. Have another look at your daily tasks. What are 20% of the tasks that create most of your happiness or add the most value? Is there a possibility for you to spend more time on them? If you don’t have time for them given your current work capacity, can you delegate the 80% to someone else? This will allow you to accomplish more within your day while expending effort on tasks that matter. 3. Recreational Activities Even the way you spend your free time fosters happiness and overall wellbeing. When planning your activities, think of the

experiences that create the most joy. What do you enjoy the most in life? Do you like adventure, or eating amazing food, or gardening? Knowing where your taste lie can help you streamline how you spend your time. 4. Relationships Which relationships affect your happiness the most? Save your largest chunks of time for people you care about and who care about you. This is one of the hardest parts during recalibration, because as we grow older, our friendships change; we keep certain friendships out of convenience and others because of the time we’ve invested. Cut the dead weight out of your life, and don’t beat yourself up for being unable to give everyone due time. Remember that life is always changing, and it’s okay to let certain relationships go, even if it’s with people you have known your entire life. 5. Health Your physical activity and your nutrition both contribute to your happiness. As far as exercise is concerned, you can take inspiration from sports gurus and the Pareto Principle to focus on 20% of the workouts that lead to 80% of your physical benefits. You just need the habit of exercising and a couple of exercises daily in order to lose weight. You can increase the level of difficulty within the exercises in order to see results. Apply this for nutrition as well by rephrasing the question. What are the foods you consume that contribute to most of your weight gain or bad health in general? This will often boil down to sweetened beverages and sweets, alcohol, processed foods, low quality saturated fats, deli meats and dairy, and in many cases, gluten or

low-quality white bread in general. Maybe you don’t need to get rid of them all; keep the ones that you absolutely cannot live without. For the rest, switch to a healthier alternative. 6. Money The money you make should be more than the money you spend. First, have a look at your expenses. What are expenses that make the biggest dent in your wallet? Some are unavoidable (e.g., rent), but there are still ways to reduce your financial burden. By monitoring your spending, you can also evaluate whether your rent can be reduced. Can you move into a cheaper apartment? Once you break down your expenses per category, you’ll be able to see where you spend the most money and then see whether you derive pleasure from that expenditure. See what you can live without, or whether you can opt for more inexpensive options. When it comes down to it, living the life of your dreams is within your reach so long as you: 1. Are clear about your goals and desires Be clear about who you are, what you want, and where you are headed. By now, you should know your goals and how you want to accomplish them. You should set your priorities in a way that lead to your goals. By overcoming your hurdles, your self-belief will grow, and your growth mindset will allow you to think about how to live a life free of any limitations. 2. Build a skill set In order for you to be successful, you need a certain level of competence. You need to be good at what you do to have an edge

over your competitors. By applying the 80-20 rule to all spheres of your life, you will develop a few important habits and skills that will transform your results. By constantly learning, your idea of excellence will evolve. Your focus should be to get better on what’s most important in the present. 3. Build concentration Concentration and focus require self-discipline. To focus means to know what you have to do, while concentration is the ability to stick to your course without getting distracted. It’s the way you accomplish things that causes the real difference in your life. The 80-20 principle is powerful because it focuses on quality over quantity. It is about living and working smarter and creating avenues to reach your full potential. While the concept is easy to grasp, following it can be difficult. Often we equate talent and skills with success, but that’s not the way the world works. By creating space for tasks that lead to a better future, we equip ourselves with the tools we need to grow. Look at the areas in your life where you feel there is an imbalance, and work on those. The rest will fall into place. To reach productivity, we need to set certain systems in place and make use of the tools we have. Make your choice wisely. What you focus on is what you will improve. In simple words, focus means saying yes to one thing and no to everything else. The no means “not right now,” or “I’ll come back at a later time.” Many of us struggle with where to direct our focus, not the ability to focus itself. We’ve all been in a situation where we delayed a task for ages and at the eleventh hour were consumed with a hyper-focus

that enabled us to complete our work within the stipulated timeline. When the time came to make a decision, we did. Often, instead of doing one difficult task, we end up distributing our time and energy over multiple tasks, which is where our biggest problem lies.

120 https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0146167209352864 121 https://unclutterer.com/2011/03/29/scientists-find-physical-clutter-negatively-affects-your-ability-to-focus-processinformation/ 122 https://www.becomingminimalist.com/creative-ways-to-declutter/ 123 “Joseph Juran, 103, Pioneer in Quality Control, Dies,” Nick Bunkley, March 3, 2008, The New York Times 124 “Power Laws, Pareto Distributions, and Zipf’s Law,” MEJ Newman, p. 11 125 “Microsoft’s CEO: 80–20 Rule Applies To Bugs, Not Just Features,” Paula Rooney, October 3, 2002, ChannelWeb 126 “Training and the 80-20 Rule of Pareto’s Principle” 127 “The 80/20 Rule of Sales: How to Find Your Best Customers,” Perry Marshall, October 9, 2013, Entrepreneur 128 https://www.tocinstitute.org/theory-of-constraints.html 129 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUkfO-TAOLY

chapter 11: Focus and the Myth of Multitasking

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n today’s world, we pride ourselves on multitasking. We prioritize the essential tasks from the non-essential, yet we still end up doing more than one thing at once. Gregory McKeown wrote in his book Essentialism that the word multitasking has shifted in meaning over time: “The word priority came into the English language in the 1400s. It was singular. It meant the very first or prior thing. It stayed singular for the next five hundred years. Only in the 1900s did we pluralize the term and start talking about priorities. Illogically, we reasoned that by changing the word we could bend reality. Somehow we would now be able to have multiple ‘first’ things. People and companies routinely try to do just that. One leader told me of this experience in a company that talked of “Pri-1, Pri-2, Pri-3, Pri-4, and Pri-5.” “This gave the impression of many things being the priority but actually meant nothing was130.” If you want to test this theory, try this test adapted from a workshop

about mindfulness by a Danish group called Potential Project131: 1. Draw two horizontal lines on a piece of paper. 2. Now, have someone time you as you carry out the two tasks that follow: On the first line, write: I am a great multitasker On the second line, write out the numbers 1-20 sequentially, like that below: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 Calculate how long it took you to do both tasks. On average, it takes a person around 20 seconds. Now, let’s make this interesting by trying to multitask! Draw two lines and again have someone time you. Write a letter on one line, then a number on the line below, then the next letter in the sentence on the upper line, then the next number in the sequence and keep changing from line to line (i.e., write the letter “I” and then write the number “1”, then write the letter “a” then write the number “2” and keep going until you have completed both the lines). Once you’re done, check how much time you took to complete the second round. Many people take approximately twice as much time and also make mistakes. It’s a frustrating process because the thinking time also increases. The lesson to be learned through this exercise is that instead of saving time by multitasking, we actually end up spending more time, and we are prone to making more mistakes. Dr. Joan Deak, an

educator and psychologist, wrote a book called Your Fantastic Elastic Brain where she argued that the brain can focus deeply on one task. Every person is able to do more than one task at a time, but this does not mean that they should. While it is easy to iron clothes and listen to a podcast or to cook dinner while watching TV, this is only possible because we do not need to concentrate on both tasks. Multitasking requires people to shift between one task to another quickly, but the problem is that a human brain is not wired to transition seamlessly between jobs. A study conducted in 2003 by the International Journal of Information Management showed that a person checks their email every five minutes, after which it takes them 64 seconds on average to return to their previous tasks132. While the research was conducted many years ago, it has implications on our lives even today. How often have you found yourself flitting through Instagram and without realizing it thirty minutes have passed? The distractions have merely grown since 2003, and the cost of switching between tasks has grown larger. Although the word “multitasking” appeared for the first time in 1965 in IBM while referring to a computer, it has made its way into colloquial vocabulary as our distractions have increased. We’ve begun to believe that we are computers capable of the impossible. In order to rein our expectations in, we need to look at our tasks and remember that faster does not necessarily mean better. Doing things accurately definitely leads to better results. In order to master any task, you need to highlight the urgent and important ones. Once you have prioritized, it’s as if a weight lifts off and you avoid the “busy trap” we have all fallen prey too.

Even when I was working in corporate, I’d be surrounded by colleagues who would boast about who spent the most time at work. When I questioned them about what they were doing, it saddened me to learn that it was mostly busy work. Being busy does not mean you’re creating value, it just means that you are working in overdrive. You create meaning when you focus on work that matters. Although multitasking generally talks about doing two tasks at once, that is not its only definition. There are other contributing factors as well133. In all, there are three different types of multitasking 1. Multitasking We have already discussed how multitasking is impossible to accomplish, but it also takes a toll on both our mental and physical well-being. As per a research conducted by the University of California, we learned that multitasking impacts our brain’s ability to retain key information134. You end up spending more energy trying to recall things that would otherwise come easy. As a result, you become anxious and your ability to focus dwindles. Since anxiety then takes up a portion of your brain, you lose your ability to imagine and think outside the box. This extra stress also inhibits your productivity, making it impossible to get into a flow state altogether. 2. Switching Costs This is the time spent in between switching tasks. Usually when we switch between two tasks, we end up wasting time and effort as it takes awhile to get back into the flow. 3. Attention Residue When you switch between two tasks, you force your brain to conduct

two actions together. One action is shifting between the goals and the other is changing the rules associated with that action. A research study conducted in 2010 by two Harvard psychologists, Mathew Killingsworth and Daniel Gilbert, showed that people spend 47% of their time awake thinking about things other than what they are doing135. Imagine how much you could accomplish in a day if you actually focused on the work you had to do at the time. By focusing on a single task, you end up avoiding the minefield of mistakes that would follow you otherwise. You would be less stressed since you would conserve your energy. By finishing one task at a time, you would create the right environment for a flow state. Concentrating your time and effort on important work would rebuild your focus and allow you the freedom to think unconventionally. There are a few ways in which you can accomplish this. Start by trying the following: 1. Establish one core task. We have discussed limiting our daily tasks to five, but that is the upper bound. The lower limit should be choosing one task that has top priority over every other task. This is non-negotiable and must be done no matter what the circumstances. This will set the benchmark for the remainder of the day. 2. Instead of focusing on your time, focus on your energy. Different tasks require different levels of focus. Think of the tasks that require most of your energy and the time of the day where you feel the most energetic. Maybe you are most speculative in the

mornings and efficient in your afternoons. This would mean that you spend your morning’s planning and strategizing and your afternoons executing tasks. This is another way of ensuring that your body and mind are aligned. You will perform better by responding to your own natural instincts than by relying on someone else’s productivity strategy. See where your strengths lie. 3. Don’t check your email throughout the day. Emails are the biggest distractions of all. If you begin your day by responding to emails, you have already relinquished your control to someone else, and it is likely you are firefighting instead of being proactive. See if you can delay checking emails for a time where it suits you better. If you are most creative in the morning, do you really want to interrupt your flow? Can you check your email first thing when you return to your desk after lunch? Consider hiring a virtual assistant to take care of your email work. You can kill two birds with one stone—give a job to someone from a less economically privileged country, or maybe a student or a person in need from your own country, and get your emails addressed each day. This will save you time, energy, and focus. Note how responding to emails is usually a very simple job that requires some initial tutoring and simple guidelines. The same goes for all other messengers and communicators. Personally, I usually have my phone in airplane mode until 1 p.m. That is my personal deadline for the day’s most important task. This way I avoid distractions and unnecessary conversations and direct focus on essential work. 4. Create a schedule that makes room for focused work, and take

breaks. Your daily schedule creates the roadmap for the day and tells you what to hold yourself accountable to. In order to work well, start by dedicating time to focused work. Here, it is important to understand your stamina. Your dedicated time can be as short as 15 to 20 minutes or as long as 90 minutes. I work in 50 minutes Pomodoros (work windows) with 5- and 10-minute breaks in which I walk away from the computer to do some stretching and simple exercises or to expose myself to some sunlight when possible. This approach is a good way to retrain your mind and rebuild your ability to work without getting distracted. Working in bursts also helps you concentrate your energy and channel it in bursts of creativity. It is also a good idea to have a minimum amount of work windows (pomodoros) that you aim for, but also set the boundaries for maximum. My usual set of pomodoros is five, and I try not to work more than seven pomodoros, because above that mark, my performance falls rapidly, and there are errors by the end of the day. The upper and bottom limits help you demand certain standards and work ethics from yourself and ensure that every day brings you closer to your goal. Yet at the same time, you avoid overworking and burning out, and you learn to respect your time and make the best use of it. This is also known as the Pomodoro Technique. This system was created by a developer and author named Francesco Cirillo. He named it after a tomato-shaped timer that he used in order to keep him productive during college136. There are many apps that exist, so consider the ones that excite you. Even then, remember that you are

decluttering your digital space, so use it wisely. I use a simple timer on my PC. The idea is to create short 25-minute sprints in order to complete a certain amount of work. Then allow yourself a five-minute break, and then get on it once again. It does wonders for some, while others need to modify it and extend their work windows. The time you allot depends on the nature of your work. 5. Block the websites that distract you. While multitasking is dangerous, boredom can be lethal too. When you are bored, you are more likely to procrastinate. In the modern day, this means to surf the web. To avoid this, think about the times where you procrastinate the most. Is it post lunch or when you reach work first? Once you are aware, block those websites for those designated hours. There are multiple apps and internet browsers plugins such as StayFocusd that will assist you. 6. Give yourself a break. Give your brain enough time to recuperate. In order to build your stamina to work, you need to give yourself time to refuel. By scheduling breaks into your workday, you also help unclog the attention residue. You can do this by using different techniques. We have already discussed the Pomodoro Technique. Another one is the 52/17 rule. Like any other muscles, our brain also gets tired from repeated stress. This defies our current idea of hard work; many of us believe that the most successful among us are those who never stop working. It is important to note if we work without breaks for prolonged periods of time, our productivity decreases. We need breaks between our work sessions so that we come back to work

more attentive. A social networking company by the name of Draugiem Group contributed to this growing line of research through a productivity app called DeskTime137. They used DeskTime in order to see what set productive and unproductive people apart. They realized that 10% of the employees who were the most productive didn’t even work full eight-hour days. What they all had in common was that they took regular breaks. Additionally, they all took 17-minute breaks for every 52 minutes of work conducted. For many of these productive employees, these 17 minutes were spent away from the computer. They used this time to talk to another coworker, walk around, or even make themselves a cup of coffee. While the number of minutes spent taking a break is still arbitrary, the idea remains the same. To reach our maximum potential, we need to take regular mental holidays. How amazing is it that science validates our need for relaxation and time off to improve productivity?

How to Improve Focus and Concentration Clyde Beatty was a lion tamer who was born in Ohio in 1903138. Although he joined the circus as a cage cleaner, he worked his way up to become an entertainer. He was best known for an act where he had to tame several wild animals such as lions, hyenas, and tigers. He brought all these animals to the ring at the same time and tamed them simultaneously. What’s interesting is that Clyde survived his dangerous profession with the help of a chair. While lion tamers are usually seen with a whip and a chair, it is usually the chair that does the work. The whip is mainly a distraction.

When a lion tamer holds the chair towards the lion’s face, the lion tries to attack all four legs at once, which makes him confused. This causes him to freeze, and instead of attacking the lion tamer, he ends up pausing to figure out what to do next. Next time you are confused about the direction you want to take, snap yourself out of it. If you spend too much of your time debating what to do next, you’ll end up doing nothing at all. Reshift your focus. Take a look at Oprah Winfrey. She had a rough childhood. She was born to an unmarried teenager and spent the first six years of her life in poverty. She was so poor that she often wore dresses stitched from potato sacks, which made her a laughing stock at school139. Her grandmother provided some stability to her life and taught her to read at the age of three but was strict and used physical violence to enforce discipline. She was molested by a cousin when she was nine, and when she told her family members, they refused to believe her. By the time she reached high school, she devoted all her time and energy to her education. In university, she won oratory contests and pageants, and also worked for the news part time. Oprah used her pain and life experiences and used them in her work. Her ability to look “beyond the chair” has allowed her to create an empire that runs like clockwork, to own a TV network, a media production studio, and a magazine, to run a book club, and to conduct philanthropic activities140. Oprah’s life was transformative because her approach to life was transformative. She began the habit of being fully present when she started doing her interviews for “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” By listening intently to

her interviewees, she developed hyper attention. This became a meditative process for her as she learned to listen, yet remain emotionally detached. In an interview with FastCompany, she said, “I have learned that your full-on attention comes with a level of intensity and truth. It’s about living a present life, moment to moment —not worrying about what’s going to happen at 3 o’clock and what’s going to happen at 7 o’clock.” “That whole thing about multitasking? That’s a joke for me. When I try to do that, I don’t do anything well141.” In other words, focus. She learned from past experiences and mistakes and used them to overhaul her life. One of the ways she runs successful businesses in tandem is by establishing a team she can delegate her work too. She understands that she can’t accomplish everything by herself. What makes her different is her ability to acknowledge she doesn’t have all the answers. She then makes room for people who do while concentrating on other areas where her expertise lies. Her ability to be aware, modify her vision, and accept her mistakes is what makes her one of the most successful people in the world. She accomplished this by ignoring things that didn’t serve her and making room for experiences that helped her connect with others, the same connection she had been searching for since she was a young girl. By redirecting her focus, she created her success. We have similar opportunities. Experts

make

good

judgement

calls

based

on

their

past

experiences. They consistently perform and repeat tasks that allow them to make better decisions. Similarly, when you work towards a goal consistently and learn from your work, you make room for flow

and peak performance. “Banner Blindness” is a concept that suggests that the more you read online, the savvier you become at blocking out information that detracts from your experience142. Studies further validate this as our online experience evolves. People who scroll the internet move past advertisements without a second thought because they have learned to ignore them. This concept is a part of cognitive psychology and is known as selective attention. It helps filter out information by focusing on the signal. Over time, this kind of attention helps you make snap decisions; these decisions separate amateurs from experienced professionals. To be an expert in your field, you need to reorient your focus and learn from your experiences. Through repetition and consistency, you can build flow, which leads to peak performance. To do that, you need to build better habits.

SECTION 3: The Execution

130 https://www.davidirvine.com/tyranny-urgency-many-priorities-means-nothing-priority/ 131 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/creativity-without-borders/201405/the-myth-multitasking 132 IBM Operating System/360 Concepts and Facilities by Witt and Ward. IBM Systems Reference Library. File Number: S360-36 133 https://blog.rescuetime.com/multitasking/ 134 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/creativity-without-borders/201405/the-myth-multitasking 135 “A Wandering Mind Is an Unhappy Mind,” Matthew A. Killingsworth and Daniel T. Gilbert, 2010 136 https://lifehacker.com/productivity-101-a-primer-to-the-pomodoro-technique-1598992730 137 https://www.fastcompany.com/3035605/the-exact-amount-of-time-you-should-work-every-day 138 https://jamesclear.com/how-to-focus 139 “You Go, Girl,” The Observer Profile: Oprah Winfrey, The Observer (UK), November 20, 2005 140 https://medium.com/the-mission/how-oprahs-system-of-radical-focus-can-make-you-insanely-productive-andsuccessful-9d50957116e3 141 https://www.fastcompany.com/3051589/the-key-to-oprah-winfreys-success-radical-focus 142 https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/154193129804200504

chapter 12: Habits

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harles Duhigg is a reporter as well as the writer of the award-winning book, The Power of Habit. In it, he discusses scientific discoveries that show how habits exist and how they can be changed. He helps us understand human nature and how we all have the potential to transform. Habits are the small decisions we make and perform every day. They account for most of our daily actions. Our life is a sum of our habits, BUT our habits aren’t our destiny. We all have certain negative patterns that we follow, and once we identify and break them, we make room for positive lifestyle changes. There are multiple ways to change habits, and for each individual, they are different. Habits are the foundation that help lead to peak productivity and enhanced performance. To learn which one works for you, you need to understand how habits work by considering the Habit Framework.

The Habit Framework Research conducted by MIT researchers shows how every habit follows a neurological loop 143. This comprises three parts: a cue, a routine, and a reward. To make sense of your habits, you need to

identify the habit loop of each of your behaviors. Both good and bad habits follow a feedback loop. In order to break bad habits or to build good habits, you need to bring attention to what that the loop is by using the cue, action, and reward method. 1. Cue: This is a trigger point that tells your brain to go into autopilot and follow a certain routine. Identifying a cue can be difficult because we are constantly being bombarded with information. Even so, most habitual cues follow one of the following categories: location, time, emotional state, other people, or the action before. For example, suppose you eat a cookie every day, which contributes to your afternoon slump as well as weight gain. Note down when you eat the cookie, what time you eat it, how you feel when you eat it, who else is around, and what you are doing prior to eating that cookie. This will help you isolate the cue that leads to the craving. Are you looking for a distraction, or is it hunger that is driving your decision? Your answer will determine your method to change the habit. Cue is also an important starting point when building a new habit. You need to either create a new cue, or identify one that works to initiate a routine. For example, if you want to incorporate exercise in your life, your cue could be wearing your joggers at 6:30 p.m. every day after work. This will trigger the routine (i.e., a walk/jog). 2. Routine: This is an action that can again be emotional, physical, or mental. Disrupting the routine is a good way to break a habit. You could keep the cue and reward, yet replace the routine. For example, if you are a smoker, smoking is the routine that could be brought on by stress (cue). A way t0 break the habit could be to do something else when you are stressed (e.g., talk to someone or exercise).

3. Reward: According to your brain, this is what makes the routine worthwhile. When you are trying to break a habit, experiment with different types of rewards. Take as long as you like to find the one that works for you. Rewards are psychological, and the endorphin rush can make the current reward compelling, even if it has detrimental effects. Think of yourself as a scientist who is collecting data points to test different hypotheses. Every time you try a different reward, jot your thoughts regarding the experience. Are you relieved? Or are you feeling nervous? When finding the correct reward, consider the values that are important to you. Use those to determine what reward you respond to best. Once you have identified your loop, you can begin to shift your behaviour. You can either come up with a better routine and plan for the cue, or find an alternate reward. Your call. In either case, you need a plan. Some habits are more difficult to break than others, but having a framework to work within is a great start. Allow yourself the room to experiment.

How to Build Good Habits You do not need the motivation to build a new habit, or willpower. That is the wrong approach to habit building. Building a habit is like building muscles. If you are new to the gym, you will not begin by lifting the heaviest weights. You’ll begin with small, manageable steps that are not intimidating and are encouraging enough for you to return to the gym the next day. The same applies to habits. Pick a habit easy enough to inculcate so that you don’t need to rely on

motivation. Dave Brailsford, the performance director for Britain’s professional cycling, understood this and changed the fate of cycling in Britain in 2003. No British cyclist had won professionally in 110 years till then144. On the contrary, their performance had been so underwhelming that many bike manufacturers in Europe didn’t want to sell to these professionals for fear of hurting their sales. When Brailsford was hired, he adopted a different strategy to the other coaches, which he referred to as “the aggregation of marginal gains.” This meant that he believed that so long as you improved marginally in everything you did, it would add up to a significant increase if you put it all together. The changes that Brailsford and his coaches made at first were small. They made the bike seats more comfortable, rubbed alcohol on tires for a sturdier grip, asked the riders to wear electrically heated shorts to maintain the ideal muscle temperature, and so on. They also used biofeedback sensors in order to see how each athlete responded to a workout. Then they moved beyond the sphere of equipment and sports gear. They started to look for 1% improvements everywhere. They found the right pillows and mattresses for the riders to sleep better and different massage gels to lead to better muscle recovery. All of these changes added up145. Within five years of Brailsford taking over, the British Cycling Team made a comeback, and in 2008, they won 60% of the gold medals in the Olympic Games in Beijing. So what does this tell you about long term success? We place so much importance in one defining moment when what we need to do

is build these habits over time. Sometimes these improvements aren’t even noticeable, but they add up. In reality, if you improve 1% every day for a year, you end up almost thirty-seven time better146. As time goes on, these small improvements accumulate, and you find a huge gap between people who make slightly better decisions daily versus those who don’t. Within two to three months, you’ll see the difference, but it is important to keep the challenge reasonable to maintain momentum. Everyone gets off track from time to time; the point is to get back on track quickly enough. Missing a habit once does not have a measurable impact, therefore, avoid the all-or-nothing mentality and do a little. Just make sure that you don’t miss the same habit twice. This requires patience. Do not add up things so fast that you are unable to keep up with them. Start with less than what you expect to handle, and then build your way up. The only way to make good habits is to make them feel easy and to create room for them in your existing lifestyle.

Habit Stacking “Big doors swing on little hinges.” – W Clement Stone A study conducted by Oxford University in 2007 revealed that adult brains have 41% fewer neurons than the average newborn147. Yet somehow adults are more skilled than babies. As we grow older, we are subjected to a phenomenon known as synaptic pruning. Synapses are connections between neurons in the brain. Over time, your brain begins to eliminate (or prune) connections between neurons that don’t get used in order to make room for connections that are used more frequently. This means the more you do

something, the stronger the connections become. As your brain becomes stronger and faster at making these connections, your skills also improve. Skill development is a result of a biological change. For example, if you are an artist, over time with every sketch, painting, and sculpture, your brain will ensure you are more adept at your craft. However, if you don’t exercise those muscles, chances are that the brain will prune them out and make space for a skill you do invest your time in. When babies are born, their brain is a blank canvas. Everything goes, but they also don’t have strong connections. Meanwhile, in an adult brain, many neurons have been pruned away, but strong connections exist for certain skills. Your brain builds a strong network of neurons in order to support whatever your current behaviour is. The more you do something, the stronger the connection, so take advantage of these connections in order to build stronger habits. Every behaviour is connected and gives you the opportunity to take advantage in order to build new habits, which in turn builds muscle. The idea behind habit stacking is to start with a habit so small that it can build up to a larger habit so long as you create simple enough goals and focus on being consistent. In his book Habit Stacking: 97 Small Life Changes That Take 5 Minutes or Less, S.J. Scott tells us how we can use habit stacking to make many changes in our lives. The key step to habit stacking is first creating a routine. This should include a combination of habits that allow you to follow a simple flow that you can then perform. With repetition, you will be able to build the habits.

In his book, Scott says that there are eight steps through which you could build such a routine: 1. Pick a time and location. First, choose the habit you wish to build and then create an intention around the routine: “After I (this is your current habit), I will (new habit).” Build a routine around a place, a time, or both. It could be the first thing you do in the morning or something you squeeze into your lunch hour. After I wake up, I will drink warm water with lemon. After I use the toilet, I will meditate. By adding a new habit after an existing habit, you are more likely to create a routine as the new habit will just fall into place. Since your behaviors and patterns have strengthened over time, linking new habits to built-in ones will help you stick to your new behavior. Once you have established the basic structure, you can then create a large chain of small habits together. This way you are not relying on motivation; you are taking advantage of the natural momentum from one behaviour leading to the next. 2. Build one routine at a time. When we see something work for us, we often try and apply it to every sphere of our lives. While it is good to be ambitious, try not to deplete your energy. Focus on one routine at a time for a month before making any changes or additions so that your body and mind have enough time to acclimatize.

3. Identify small wins. Scott organizes these wins into seven categories: productivity, relationships, finances, organization, well-being, fitness, and leisure. Where does your habit add up? For example, did you make time to call a loved one? If you couldn’t work out for long, did you at least do five push ups? Do something small and manageable; so long as you stay on track, your self-confidence will increase. 4. Create a checklist. Create a list of things you need to do in order to accomplish a particular habit. Each of these steps should work together intuitively and help keep the progress flowing. 5. Know why you are doing what you are doing. Knowing why you are taking certain actions help you to stay on track. 6. Hold yourself accountable. It is always easier to do nothing than take action, which is why it is important to hold yourself accountable. A good way to do this would be to start updating people on your progress so that they help you stay with it. Another way to do this is to build in reminders or alarms. This will trigger you to take action. If you avoid it, you are bound to feel some level of guilt, which will prompt you to do it right the next time. 7. Treat yourself. You should have small treats that help you through your routine every day for at least a week or a month. Keep the rewards small and choose something that will have a positive long-term impact on

you. It could be a movie or a healthy treat, but make sure it is something that doesn’t derail you from your goal. 8. Repeat. Repeating any task helps build muscle memory. This is key for the first thirty days of habit stacking. To make sure that you stay on track, or get back on track in case of disruptions, you can follow a few strategies: a. Plan for the unexpected. Create a plan for the triggers. If you are unable to work out as per plan, what is your contingency? Will you double up the next day? Or will you do one push up so that you know you haven’t broken the pattern? Either way, forgive yourself for the unexpected, and keep contingencies ready. A good way to do this is to have the following phrase ready in your mind: “If (something unexpected), then (your response).” This is you making a commitment to yourself and rescheduling the daily practice. This forces you to consider the unpredictable circumstances you had let slide so far, which means you have fewer excuses to do nothing. b. Know your triggers. What distracts you? These are the habits that take you off track or cause you to slip up. Make a note of all your negative habits while you are developing your routine so that you are aware of all possible slip-ups.

c. Expect less. The more expectations you have of yourself, the more likely you are to have a negative reaction if you don’t meet your exact requirements. The greater our need to do something, the greater the resistance is. All that means is that we need a greater amount of effort in order to get started. Complex behaviors require far more energy. One of the most powerful catalysts for building better habits is creating a conducive environment. The environments would be where you live and where you work. Think of your environment and what you could change to make a good habit stick and a bad habit difficult to continue. For example, suppose you are a writer. You want to squeeze in fifteen minutes of writing daily, but when you write at your work desk, you are always interrupted by a colleague who wants to chat, and at home, your roommate likes to blare his television. You might stick to your habit for a few days because “motivation” or “willpower” is helping you push through it, but you will eventually falter because it takes too much energy to just get started. Instead, if you stepped into a quiet environment (i.e., a library), it would encourage you to write because all other distractions would be at bay. It is also wise to not go from 0 to 100. When building habits, consider some intermediary steps that will help you actually build a habit. For example, if you are a writer, the act of showing up at the library and writing a 100 words is a good starting point. What these intermediate steps do is lower the amount of energy required in order to perform a habit and build your consistency in the long run.

Habit stacking helps you create simple rules that then dictate your behaviors. This way you always have a plan in terms of what action should come next. No matter what your strategy is, all that matters is that you set the right tone to jumpstart a certain behavior. For habit stacking to stick, you need to find the right trigger for your habit and build in time and location. To do this, make a list of all your current habits. James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, talks about a habits scorecard where you create a list with two columns. In one list, you write down the habits you do every day (e.g., get out of bed, make coffee), and in the second list, mention all the things that happen in a day without fail (e.g., the sun rises, people message you, etc). Once you have made both lists, see where your new habit could fit in according to your lifestyle. For example, suppose you want to find time to read every day but just can’t find the time to. According to your list, there are two habits in the morning that you can consider using to establish your new habit: i. A habit that happens every day: Wake up ii. A habit that you do every day: Make coffee Do you have time to listen to an audiobook while you make your coffee? Habit stacking works best when a cue is specific and can be acted on immediately. A lot of times people don’t succeed at habit stacking because their goal is too vague. Words like “eat better” and “exercise

more” are great directionally, but not concrete enough to incite action. In order to build habits that stick, make them actionable, and then couple them with deliberate practice.

143 https://charlesduhigg.com/how-habits-work/ 144 https://www.bbc.com/sport/cycling/40692045 145 https://hbr.org/2015/10/how-1-performance-improvements-led-to-olympic-gold 146 https://jamesclear.com/marginal-gains 147 https://academic.oup.com/cercor/article/17/11/2573/282081

chapter 13: Deliberate Practice

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ilo of Croton was a man born 2500 years ago who understood this well148. In 54o B.C., he won the wrestling championship six times in Ancient Greece. He also won the Pythian Games seven times, the Isthmian games ten times, and the Nemean games nine times. His incredible level of strength was a result of a simple strategy. When a newborn calf was born close to Milo’s home, the wrestler decided to carry it on his shoulders. He continued to do this for the next four years, but by this time, the calf was a four-year-old bull. Instead of making his workout complex, Milo intensified his focus and made it about mastering fundamentals instead of worrying about little details. He knew what he needed to focus on to get his results, and he continued down the path to deliberately become more skillful. Deliberate practice has a sense of purpose and follows a system. We all practice, but not all of us improve. This can be because sometimes regular practice includes repetitions without thought, while the deliberate practice is a result of specific goals of improvement. We all love to believe self-affirming mantras like “anything is possible,” and while that is true to an extent, there are limits to how far an individual can go. Genetics influence how we

perform, but they don’t determine our success. While some people might have natural talents, with deliberate practice, you can maximize your personal potential. Ben Hogan was one of the greatest golfers of the 20th century and he reached this point through deliberate practice. All his sessions had a purpose, and he spent many years breaking down each phase of his golf swings in order to try a different method for each segment. As a result, his swing was near perfect. His precision helped him break a tournament scoring record back in the 1953 Masters by hitting backto-back holes. At the end of his career, he had bagged nine major championships and was ranked fourth all time. One of the reasons people find it difficult to practice deliberately is because of the focus it requires. In the beginning, showing up is good enough, but after a while, you have to begin focusing on your errors and look for opportunities for improvement. We’ve already discussed how our brain has a tendency of turning repeat behaviours into patterns. If you do activities mindlessly, you might think you’re gaining experience, but all you are doing is reinforcing a habit, not improving it. In his book Talent is Overrated, Geoff Colvin wrote about how Benjamin Franklin used deliberate practice to improve his writing skills. When he was younger, his father used to criticize him for his lack of writing skills. Benjamin sought out a publication that used to publish some of the best writers of his day. He rewrote each article in his own words and then compared his version to the original version. Every time he discovered a fault, he corrected it. When he learned that his vocabulary was holding him back from being a better writer,

he focused his attention on that area. As a result of this, Benjamin Franklin ended up improving his writing style. Similarly, in order for you to practice deliberately, you need to breakdown the overall process. See the area where you can improve, and then try a different set of strategies for each segment to see what works. The main difference between deliberate practice and repetition is that the former involves feedback. People who develop deliberate practice also create an effective feedback system for measurement. What they measure is what improves. Another way to develop feedback is by finding a coach. A good coach will help you track your progress, find ways to improve, and also help you develop a sense of personal accountability. In order to become an expert in your field, you have to develop a practicing mind. Thomas Sterner explains the difference between practicing and learning in his book, The Practicing Mind: “When we practice something, we are involved in the deliberate repetition of a process with the intention of reaching a specific goal. The words ‘deliberate’ and ‘intention’ are key here because they define the difference between actively practicing something and passively learning it149.” Sometimes learning can be a crutch we use in order to avoid taking actions on goals we say are important to us. For example, you want to start writing and you focus your attention on doing writing courses so that you feel you are making progress. To an extent, you will benefit from these courses, but after awhile, unless you are practicing the action (i.e., writing), you will not get your desired outcome. You might rationalize and tell yourself you’re moving

forward, but you are just going round and round like a hamster on a wheel, doing the motions but not going anywhere. When we practice, we are learning, but when we are learning, we are not practicing (i.e., we don’t know how to practically apply the knowledge we are receiving). Those who practice learning eventually become experts in their field. Malcolm Gladwell popularized the “10,000-hour” concept in his book Outliers. Here he cited research by Anders Ericsson and said that in order to become world-class in any field, it was necessary to practice a task for 10,000 hours. Anders Ericsson had devised an experiment in the 1970s where his subject, Steve Faloon, had to memorize a random set of numbers. Ericsson was concerned about how many numbers Steve would remember if he practiced consistently. At the time, research indicated that you could hold only seven to eight bits of information in your head at a time. Till this point, the research seemed to be right. In four, one-hour sessions, Steve could recite strings of seven to eight digits without faltering and then struggle with the ninth. Something changed in the fifth session. Here Steve remembered the first ten-digit string and then the eleven-digit string. This meant he had improved by 57% compared to the average. Steve and Ericsson continued their work together until the 200th session where he memorized a string of 82 random digits, not because Steve was exceptionally gifted; he had just practised a skill deliberately150. People became obsessed with the number 10,000, but did not pay attention to the details. 10,000 is not a magic number where everything falls into place. You need to practice deliberately on a

specific skill to reach that level of mastery. Kathy Sierra, who is a programmer, explains the concept simply. She says that deliberate practice is working on a skill that needs one to three sessions to master151. If you require more than that, then you are working on too complex a task. Once you have reached a certain level in one to three sessions, you can then move on to the next phase of skill building. This eventually adds up to 10,000 hours and helps you reach a certain level of mastery. When you practice with purpose, you set specific goals. Here SMART goals come in handy as small improvements in the short term lead to big improvements in the long run. It also requires you to push yourself out of your comfort zone. If you stay within the ambit of what you are capable of now, you will never improve. Ericsson’s experiment proved that, especially since he tweaked his experiment from time to time: “As he increased his memory capacity, I would challenge him with longer and longer strings of digits so that he was always close to his capacity. In particular, by increasing the number of digits each time he got a string right, and decreasing the number when he got it wrong, I kept the number of digits right around what he was capable of doing while always pushing him to remember just one more digit.” Find the balance between choosing a target that challenges you but not so much that you feel overwhelmed. It is possible that in the process you also run into barriers and feel like you can’t get over the next hump. This is the point where creative problem solving comes in handy. Don’t try harder, try something different. And don’t stop pushing yourself. Often people stop improving because they reach a

certain level of skill where they feel they’re good enough. In these circumstances, the perceived benefit of relaxing is higher than the perceived benefit of getting better. Here you need to strengthen your resolve by weakening your reasons to quit. Remind yourself that in order to be an expert, you have to use more than just your words. Kobe Bryant is one of the most successful basketball players of all time. He has a net worth of more than $200 million throughout his playing career, where he has won five NBA championships and two Olympic gold medals. In 2012, Bryant was selected as a member of team UDA and was assigned a trainer called Robert, who shed some light on how Kobe became so successful152. Robert wrote about how they went to Vegas before heading off to London. The night before, he stayed up watching a movie and was about to doze off around 3:30 a.m. when his phone rang. When he picked up, it turned out to be Kobe Bryant. This is the conversation that followed: “Hey, uhh, Rob, I hope I’m not disturbing anything right?” “Uhh, no. What’s up Kob?” “Just wondering if you could help me out with some conditioning work, that’s all.” “Yeah sure, I’ll see you in the facility in a bit.” Robert took twenty minutes to reach the practice floor. When he got there he saw Kobe who was already practicing before the clock had even struck 5:00 a.m. Post that, the two did conditioning work for an hour and fifteen minutes. He then went on to do strength training exercises for forty-five minutes. Robert went back to the hotel to

sleep while Kobe went to the practice floor to shoot. When Robert reached the floor at 11:00 a.m. groggy, Kobe was practicing shooting jumpers by himself. Here’s the second part of their conversation: Robert: “Good work this morning.” Kobe: “Huh?” Robert: “Like, the conditioning. Good work.” Kobe: “Oh. Yeah, thanks, Rob. I really appreciate it.” Robert: “So when did you finish?” Kobe: “Finish what?” Robert: “Getting your shots up. What time did you leave the facility?” Kobe: “Oh, just now. I wanted 800 makes. So yeah, just now.” Kobe had begun his practice at 4:30 a.m. with conditioning work and ended it with 800 jump shots that he did between 7 a.m. and 11 a.m. After this, he practised further with Team USA153. To become the basketball superstar that he is, Kobe was deliberately focused on the skill he wanted to build. He wanted 800 jump shots, so he was not concerned with the amount of time it took, just that he had to do it. The lesson to be learned here is that it’s not about 10,000 hours. You could spend over that much time and still not be a top performer. To be among the top, you need to work silently for as long as you can, and focus on your work with grit, commitment, and consistency. Only then will you see the results that follow.

148 Human Biology (5th edition), Daniel Chiras, pg. 229 149 http://www.noren-hentz.com/the-practicing-mind-by-thomas-m-sterner-book-notes/ 150 https://observer.com/2017/08/how-to-use-deliberate-practice-to-reach-the-top-1-percent-malcolm-gladwell-andersericsson-habits-mastery/ 151 https://observer.com/2017/08/how-to-use-deliberate-practice-to-reach-the-top-1-percent-malcolm-gladwell-anders-ericssonhabits-mastery/ 152 https://www.reddit.com/r/nba/comments/19o38z/hi_rnba_my_name_is_robert_and_im_an_athletic/ 153 https://jamesclear.com/deliberate-practice

chapter 14: Continuous Improvement

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o benefit from habit building, you need to understand it as a system. Sam Carpenter’s book Work the System discusses this concept in detail. Sam began to think deeply about systems after his personal life fell apart. He used to work eighty- to one-hundred-hour work weeks and was on his way to a physical and mental breakdown. He was a single parent and a small business owner who was letting his responsibilities overwhelm him. He felt he was failing everyone in his life. His “work the system” methodology was what brought him out of his financial crisis. To be able to follow the systems approach, you need to look at your life from an elevated standpoint. You need to be objective when evaluating your mechanisms, and review what you are doing and why. Everything in life follows a linear set of events, and each of these can be improved, one at a time. This can apply to your work or your life. Each aspect is divided into three systems (i.e., ones over which you have complete control, ones where you have no control, and the remaining where you can exert some control but not fully). Many of us strive for happiness, but we mistakenly look for it in the control we exert over other people. Our focus should instead be on

our own life’s trajectory. The only control we need is over our personal systems, which are there to be adjusted and maintained. We tend to believe that the world is chaos, but that’s not true. The more we learn about the world’s workings, the more aware we are that the universe is not inclined towards chaos, it follows a certain order and efficiency. Our misconception about reality reflects in our lives as well. We need to take into account that systems exist whether we aware of them or not. They exist as threads that hold our lives together. Think of them like machinery. So long as you keep the machinery well oiled and managed, it will produce desired results. It isn’t about how intelligent you are, what degree you have, your charm, or how you look. While certain traits may give you an edge, it’s the system that helps you get the most out of your life. By paying attention to it, you focus on continuous improvement. This is how you can work out the kinks and grow. In order to work the system, you first need to change your mindset. The systems mindset removes emotion from the process and follows logic along with the reassuring message that life is under control. To “work the system,” you first need to understand the system. You can begin this by documenting it. You need to create a set of documents that will help you outline your goals and procedures. While Sam’s approach was more business oriented, the same approach can be used for one’s personal life. By becoming a systems manager, you can then tweak the system and use it as and when you need to. The first document you should create is called the “Strategic

Objective154.” This is a one-page document that defines your goals as well as the methodology you use to do a certain task. You should then define the strengths and the actions. The point of these documents is to create a blueprint that outlines the day-to-day reality of our lives. The second document he suggests is called the “General Operating Principles155.” This is where he outlines guidelines for making decisions. We have discussed many different tricks to make better decisions; now would be a good time to revisit that and find a strategy that works best for you. The third document is actually a series of documents. These are the step-by-step procedures for every critical function of your business. Anyone should be able to follow these procedures in order to be able to produce a work of certain standards. By automating the functional aspects of your business (and life), you end up freeing up your time, and then you could spend the remainder of your time tweaking the procedures within the individual procedure documents. Do not aim for perfection; satisfy yourself with 98% accuracy. The additional 2% requires too much additional energy and puts the law of diminishing returns in action. You might as well use this energy elsewhere. Break down everything you need to do into a step-bystep format, and then document the execution. Try it a few times and then brainstorm ways in which you can improve your sequence to the point that it becomes perfect. To be able to evaluate the system well, you need to document it. Once you have perfected your system, you should reinsert it back into your operation. While this may sound regimented, and to a certain extent it is, it still gives you the power to tweak systems in order to achieve maximum output. The more time you spend fixing your systems, the greater your

results will be. It’s about time you stop waiting for divine intervention to solve your problems. Life is not as mysterious or complex as we make it out to be. Strip it down to the bare minimum, and repair the mechanisms that aren’t working for you, one by one. There will be certain systems over which you have no control. This could be inflation rates, oil prices, politics, stock markets. Our life is also subjected to many systems that are out of our circle of influence, which is why we need to realize that fretting about it won’t change the outcome. Instead, what you can do is make better choices now that you know what the possibilities are. Truth be told, no one has control over all the systems in life, which means that the world is not out to get you. A lot of the times things don’t go your way because you haven’t tried at all. Now that you know the hand that you’ve been dealt, what will you do to make the most of your current situation? Your systems will depend on what you wish to accomplish. If you are a musician, your system will depend on how often you practice and how you respond to feedback. If you are a businessperson, your system will deal with how you test ideas, hire employees, run your marketing, and so on. Even if you completely ignore a goal and focus on a system, it is possible to succeed, as the goal takes care of itself. Goals are great for creating a direction, but a system is excellent for creating a process. Remember, winners and losers both have the same goals. Every musician wants to be well known in their scene and worldwide, every cyclist wants to win the Tour de France, and every entrepreneur wants the next billion dollar business. It’s the system of continuous

improvements that allows you to accomplish a different outcome. If you focus only on goals, you don’t focus on long-term progress. Once you have reached your goal, you return to your old habits. By having a system, you commit to a process and strive to improve. There are a few steps you can take in order to focus on continuous improvement: 1. Keep what works. Often we don’t use certain resources because they lose their novelty, however, these behaviors (big or small) have the opportunity to help us progress in our lives. This includes things like flossing every day or never missing a workout. In business, it could be sticking to the tasks that are boring, but bring in 80% of the revenue. These are tasks that you need to do daily, not just when you have time. Our progress usually depends on these boring solutions. You don’t need a different strategy, you just need to continue doing what’s working. 2. Avoid tiny losses. Often the best way to improve is to focus on doing fewer things wrong instead of focusing on doing more things right. This means reduce your mistakes by reducing complexity. Get rid of everything inessential. For physical fitness, this might mean never missing a workout or eating fewer unhealthy foods, for someone investing it might mean limiting your risks. By cutting the downside, you can create an opportunity for big gains. 3. Look back. Often to accomplish things in life, we set goals and look forward. But the opposite can also be a helpful strategy. For example, if you want

to lose weight, weigh in on how many calories you ate per day the week before, then attempt to eat less this week. Looking back and assessing your past performance will help you decide how to set better targets. The Japanese manufacturing industry is a great example of this. Post World War II, America experienced a manufacturing boon, and many companies grew in profitability until the 1970s when the Japanese made a comeback156. They began to focus on “lean production” (i.e., eliminated all kinds of waste from the production process). As a result, Japanese factories grew in efficiency and the workers didn’t waste their time. By 1979, American workers were taking three times as long to assemble their sets as compared to their Japanese counterparts. The only strategy the Japanese employed was to make fewer mistakes. All of us strive to improve, and we can apply this strategy to our lives in two ways; either we add something that enhances our lives or subtract something that takes away from our lives. Either way, our focus needs to be on the day-to-day improvement. Your best days are an enhanced version of your normal day. In order to achieve the very best, your focus needs to be on improving the normal. Adjust your life slowly by making changes that will impact you positively in the long run—the best day will take care of itself. 154 https://www.workthesystem.com/soguidelines/ 155 https://www.workthesystem.com/opguidelines/ 156 https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2014/11/10/better-time

SECTION 4: The Destination

chapter 15: Flow and Peak Performance

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ll these improvements are leading us to the moment we’ve been waiting for—peak performance. We can pursue this in any field we like, whether it’s sports, business, music, arts, negotiation, selling, mathematics, philosophy, writing, you name it. While it’s possible to achieve peak performance in any sphere, it still eludes most of us because we think peaking is an exception, not the rule. There are two main parts of peak performance: Your talent or ability and Your internal framework or mental state157 We’ve discussed ways to create both in great detail. In order to reach flow or peak performance, you need to cultivate deep practice. Daniel Coyle compares deep practice to exploring a dark unfamiliar room in his book In the Talent Code. When you start initially, you bump into things and you have to stop and start again. As you explore the space over and over again and attend to the errors, you create a mental map, which helps you move through quickly and intuitively. By cultivating deep practice through continuous improvement, you

strengthen the brain. The brain grows myelin, a kind of insulation between neurons that reinforces neural connections. The more you have, the more automatic your response becomes. This is what we colloquially refer to as muscle memory. With practice, your mental map illuminates the room. In order to learn anything, you go through four stages: Unconscious incompetence This is when a learner isn’t aware that a knowledge gap exists. Conscious incompetence This is when the learner becomes aware of the knowledge gap and understands the need to acquire a skill. That’s where learning begins. Conscious competence This is where a learner can perform his or her task through conscious thought and hard work. Unconscious competence By this point, the individual has enough experience to perform without thinking consciously. Myelin gets stronger between the third and fourth stage. In order to achieve mastery and peak performance, our goal is to realize unconscious competence. By doing that, we can develop a skill without concentrated effort and attention.

Timothy Gallwey was a nationally ranked tennis player and the captain of his Harvard University team in the 1960s. He went to India where he met a guru who taught him several meditation techniques. Gallwey noticed how these methods improved his concentration and as a result changed his game. In 1974, he published his book The Inner Game of Tennis, which was revolutionary. Instead of focusing on external techniques, he focused on his inner state. He realized that as a coach if he could help players remove their mental obstacles, natural ability oozed without the need for technical input. Often we are held back because we get hijacked by our inner saboteur. In his second book, Inner Game, Gallwey talks about two selves (i.e., Self 1 and Self 2). Self 1, the prefrontal cortex, is the voice that commands and criticizes, while Self 2, the subconscious mind, is the voice that stays quiet and performs all the actions. If we quietly observe the interaction between the two, a pattern usually emerges: Self 1 is critical and relentless, while Self 2 doesn’t say much, leading to very little trust between the two. When Self 1 tries to take control, we often become tense and make mistakes. It is our acquired mind, all the external voices that we have internalized. Self 2 is our centre and knows what to do. Gallwey provides a simple formula: Performance = Potential – Interference158. Once you remove the interference, you create an environment for flow. For flow to work in your favor, you need to consider seven conditions: 1. You need a challenging activity that requires a skill. If it is

not challenging enough, it often leads to boredom. If it is too challenging, it brings anxiety. Enjoyment occurs in the sweet spot between the two. 2. You need to merge your action and awareness. When all of our internal resources are engaged, there’s no energy left for Self 1 to engage in counter-productive dialogue. Instead, a person becomes absorbed with full awareness of the activity itself. 3. You need clear goals and feedback. The more awareness we bring to an activity, the more feedback we receive both internally and externally. Goals and a clear vision give us a personal sense of what peak performance looks like in advance. 4. You need to fully concentrate on the task at hand. When all distraction falls away and you are immersed in an activity without any distractions, the mind (Self 1) has no space for irrelevant information. 5. When we’re in a flow state, we experience a sense of being in control while not clinging to it. The desire or worry about control falls away. 6. We are less self-conscious. The more we cling to our selfconcept and self-identity, the more we inhibit flow. Without interference from Self 1, we merge with the activity and reach our authentic self. 7. One common theme in flow states and other altered states of consciousness is that one’s perception of time changes.

Freedom from the “tyranny of time” adds to the enjoyment of our activities. In the book In Beyond Boredom and Anxiety, M. Csikszentmihalyi writes: “In the flow state, action follows upon action according to an internal logic that seems to need no conscious intervention by the actor. He experiences it as a unified flowing from one moment to the next, in which he is in control of his actions, and in which there is little distinction between self and environment, between stimulus and response, or between past, present, and future159.” The key to peak performance is to maintain attention and focus on whatever we’re doing. Distraction inhibits attention. While certain distractions are external (like noises or other people), most of what disrupts our attention is internal, or what Gallwey calls selfinterference. Gallwey highlights three factors that enable us to focus (i.e., stay in Self 2): Awareness: The attention we dedicate to a particular task. Choice: Our desires govern what we focus on. Trust: When we let go of mental control, we can focus. When Self 1 is in command, it provides instructions or poses questions that lead to doubt. Once we have aligned all three, we can create peak performance. But it’s not just about creating it, it’s sustaining it that is usually the

challenge. Remember the steps: 1. Create a compelling vision that you buy into. 2. Remember that your goal should be large (“larger than you”) and something you care about deeply. 3. Do the inner work you need to in order to get there. 4. Create momentum in two steps: micro momentum and macro momentum. Build up to peak performance by increasing your small steps and challenging yourself more and more. 5. Create a process and build discipline within yourself. 6. Work on your actions because they are a reflection of the inner you. 7. Focus on your mental and physical energy. You need energy and vitality to accomplish anything worthwhile in life. Let’s consider a young writer from the early ‘20s who was once having trouble writing. Even though he had trouble, he knew the words would flow out once again. Usually, when we talk about high performance, we are referring to flow. Some athletes have rituals that set them in a meditative state, some people have affirmations, but everyone has some step that they take in order to get into a flow in the first place. When this writer sat on his desk, his words flowed from his pen uninhibited and free of any rituals. The writer was Ernest Hemingway. He did not care about how he started, just about how he ended. His only rule was to stop writing even when he had

more to say. Imagine yourself as a writer. You are sitting at your desk for ages, blank page blinking back at you, and you feel uninspired and unfocused when all of a sudden something clicks. Words start flowing out of you, and you have finally cracked the code you needed to in order to write. This is the moment we all refer to as flow. Its been so long since you last felt it that you want to squeeze this feeling dry. But often it is a good idea to stop there. Hemingway did not mistake flow for a muse. He walked away even when there were words left in him, and this helped him return to his work, knowing exactly where to start again. Flow is not a magical, illusory feeling. It is the emotional state of optimal experience. You have felt it too. Think about a time when you were completely immersed in something you were doing. Time flew by and before you knew it, it was time to go home. This is when your actions and intention were both linked. Flow is when you are completely taken in with intention, creation, and invention. The purpose and meaning behind your task cause you to focus on nothing else. You can find this level of flow in anything you do. Think about your life in terms of a hundred hours. If you had a hundred hours to spend on what you are great at, average at, and terrible at, how would you divide your time? People who split their time into 80, 10, 10 or a 100, 0, 0 are the ones who grow and experience flow the most. Recognize that the place to start is where you are already ahead of the curve. Find something that comes naturally to you and then invest in skills and knowledge. Learn, teach, or even do courses.

Sometimes teaching forces you to find answers to questions you don’t have answers to. In order to reach flow, find challenges, and then raise your skill level. It is more about the task and the process than it is about the result. In a flow state, you will notice that stress doesn’t bother you anymore. That’s because you have immersed yourself creatively in a task that engages your mind. Dr. Mihaly Chentmihayli is a psychologist who first coined the term flow160. He began his research in the ‘60s in order to find out what makes people truly happy. He discovered that money isn’t it. In fact, there is not much difference in happiness levels between people who make $35,000 a year versus people making $300,000 a year. Consumerism does not make us happy. Instead, he found that we are happiest when we are in the flow state. This is when our awareness and attention are heightened because of intrinsic reasons. This is when a person conducts a task for his or her own reasons and does not view it as a means to an end. It is a meditative state where you infuse awareness and action. Start small. Choose a routine activity and build your practice from there. 1. Before you begin the activity, take three deep conscious breaths. Let your mind focus only on the breath and nothing else. 2. Focus your attention only on the present. Use your senses to perceive the world around you. 3. Continue your activity with deliberate movements. 4. Keep your mind and body attentive, and don’t give into your mind’s chatter

If you are able to be present at that moment and enjoy it, can you challenge yourself to increase your level of attentiveness? Can you add this flow to more activities to your day, so much so that you then cultivate a practice of being present throughout the day? Happiness comes from being connected to your purpose. Whenever you feel yourself slipping, remember that life is a gift and by remaining present, you experience every moment in life to the fullest. That’s a life worth living. 157 https://scottjeffrey.com/peak-performance/ 158 https://thesystemsthinker.com/the-inner-game-of-work-building-capability-in-the-workplace/ 159 In Beyond Boredom and Creativity, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, pg 37 160 http://vedpuriswar.org/Book_Review/Leadership_Managerial_Effectiveness/Creativity.pdf

Conclusion

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t the age of ten, Steve Martin walked into a Disney shop in California to ask for a job. Given the labor laws of the time, he managed to find a position selling guidebooks161. He

moved on to Disney’s magic shop where he experimented with jokes and discovered his love for performing. It was here that he decided he wanted to be a comedian. This was just the beginning. He went around Los Angeles, performing in small clubs. Initially, his acts were shorter than five minutes, but by the age of nineteen, he was performing weekly for up to twenty minutes. His skills got even better. He spent the next ten years experimenting and practicing and took on a role as a television writer. By the mid-‘70s he was a regular guest at Saturday Night Live. After fifteen years, he made a name for himself and became one of the most successful comedians of his time. Steve knew that comedy wasn’t for the faint-hearted. In order to improve, he needed to practice. He faced his fears by practicing for ten years, refining his craft for another four, and then being a wild success for the rest. He achieved his success by expanding his routine little by little. While he added new material, he made sure that he kept his previous jokes that guaranteed laughs. By doing so, he remained motivated through his small victories, yet failed enough times to work hard enough to achieve his goals. He committed to a lifetime of practice and consistency so that he achieved what he had

dreamed of. To find that level of motivation, we need to find the right blend of work and happiness. This is flow, where you are so in tune with your work that the rest of the world fades to a hum. Build the right behaviors because you are what you repeat. Your outcomes are a measure of your habits. Take the time to unlearn behaviors that don’t serve you to make room for those that do. By creating good habits, you create room for success. By getting rid of what no longer serves you, you create room for things and people of value. Life is too short to be wasted on activities that don’t excite us. To live means to be present, and to be present we need to surround ourselves with actions that make us feel alive. Now go out there. Find what makes you tick. There is no other way. May the flow be with you. One last thing before you go – Can I ask you a favor? I need your help! If you like this book, could you please share your experience HERE on Amazon and write an honest review? It will be just one minute for you (I will be happy even with one sentence!), but a GREAT help for me and definitely good Karma . Since I’m not a wellestablished author and I don’t have powerful people and big publishing companies supporting me, I read every single review and jump around with joy like a little kid every time my readers comment on my books and give me their honest feedback! If I was able to inspire you in any way, please let me know! It will also help me get my books in front of more people looking for new ideas and useful knowledge. If you did not enjoy the book or had a problem with it, please

don’t hesitate to contact me at [email protected] and tell me how I can improve it to provide more value and more knowledge to my readers. I’m constantly working on my books to make them better and more helpful. Thank you and good luck! I believe in you and I wish you all the best on your new journey! Your friend, Ian

161 https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1416553657/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=jamesclear20&camp=1789&creative=9325&linkCode=as2&creativeASIN=1416553657&linkId=94860c9eba144a03274ca8b1c1d eaa9c

About The Author Author’s Amazon profile, where you can find all of his books: amazon.com/author/iantuhovsky Author’s blog: www.mindfulnessforsuccess.com Instagram profile: https://instagram.com/mindfulnessforsuccess

Hi! I’m Ian… . . . and I am interested in life. I am in the study of having an awesome and passionate life, which I believe is within the reach of practically everyone. I’m not a mentor or a guru. I’m just a guy who always knew there was more than we are told. I managed to turn my life around from way below my expectations to a really satisfying one, and now I want to share this fascinating journey with you so that you can do it, too. I was born and raised somewhere in Eastern Europe, where Polar Bears eat people on the streets, we munch on snow instead of ice cream and there’s only vodka instead of tap water, but since I make a living out of several different businesses, I move to a new country every couple of months. I also work as an HR consultant for various European companies. I love self-development, traveling, recording music and providing value by helping others. I passionately read and write about social psychology, sociology, NLP, meditation, mindfulness, eastern philosophy, emotional intelligence, time management, communication skills and all of the topics related to conscious self-development and being the most awesome version of yourself.

Breathe. Relax. Feel that you’re alive and smile. And never hesitate to contact me!