Patterns of Revision: Inviting 5th graders into conversations that elevate writing 1625316356, 9781625316356

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Patterns of

REVISION

Patterns of

REVISION

5

th

GRADERS

into Conversations That Elevate Whitney La Rocca & Jeff Anderson

Cover design and interior design by Page2, LLC, Wayne, NJ First published 2024 by Routledge 605 Third Avenue, New York, NY 10017 and by Routledge 4 Park Square, Milton Park, Abingdon, Oxon, OX14 4RN Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business © 2024 Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson All rights reserved. The purchase of this copyright material confers the right on the purchasing institution to photocopy pages which bear the copyright line at the bottom of the page. No other parts of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilised in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publishers. Every effort has been made to contact copyright-holders. Please advise the publisher of any errors or omissions, and these will be corrected in subsequent editions. Trademark notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks or registered trademarks, and are used only for identification and explanation without intent to infringe. ISBN: 9781625316356 (pbk) ISBN: 9781032682006 (ebk) DOI: 10.4324/9781032682006 Typeset in ITC Berkeley Oldstyle, ITC Franklin Gothic Std, Wendy LP Std by Page2, LLC, Wayne, NJ Access the Support Material: www.routledge.com/9781625316356

For my writing partners who help to make revision magical. – Whitney

For people living with Parkinson’s and those who help them thrive. – Jeff

Contents Acknowledgments ix Introduction: Owning the Patterns of Revision 1

Part 1 

How to Use the Patterns of Revision Resource 12 Connecting the Patterns of Revision to the Patterns of Power 18

Exploring Patterns of Revision in Bite-Sized Chunks

21

Chapter 1 Invitation to DELETE UNNECESSARY INFORMATION

23

Lesson 5.1: Pairing It Down: Delete Repetition Lesson 5.2: It’s Not About THAT: Delete Unneeded Information Lesson 5.3: Sentence Smashers: Eliminating Sentences That Don’t Belong

25 35 45

Chapter 2 Invitation to REARRANGE 55 Lesson 5.4: Order Gives Your Readers Oxygen Lesson 5.5: Racing to Rearrange Lesson 5.6: Operation Rearrange: Stay Focused

57 67 77

Chapter 3 Invitation to ADD CONNECTORS 87 Lesson 5.7: The Art of Connecting Ideas Lesson 5.8: Tagging Detail with Connectors Lesson 5.9: Transitions to the Rescue: Linking Ideas

vii

91 101 111

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Part 2 Revision Through Sentence Combining

Putting DRAFT Together

123 125

Chapter 4 Invitation to COMBINE 127 Lesson 5.10: Lesson 5.11: Lesson 5.12: Lesson 5.13: Lesson 5.14: Lesson 5.15: Lesson 5.16: Lesson 5.17: Lesson 5.18: Lesson 5.19: Lesson 5.20:

Free to Combine with DRAFT: A Reviser’s Dashboard There Is No One and Only Combination Accidental Complex Sentence Writers Sticking Your Neck Out: Introducing the Formation of New Verbs Participle: A Right to Form New Verbs When Gaze Becomes Gazing: Transforming Verbs Combining to Find a Place in This World It’s in the Details: Combine for Fluency Building Relationships: Combine Ideas Renaming to Combine Information Recomposing: Moving from Passive to Active Voice

Conclusion: Living in a REVISION Mindset Children’s Literature Bibliography Professional Bibliography

129 141 152 162 177 187 197 207 217 227 237

247 249 251

Acknowledgments

W

e are incredibly grateful to everyone who helped bring Patterns of Revision to life. Without the help of teachers willing to join us in trying out some of our ideas, we would never have been able to create truly practical lessons for the classroom. With the feedback we received, we revised, revised, and revised some more. This book is a direct result of the magic of revision. Huge thanks to the teachers and staff at Kathleen Joerger Lindsey Elementary School and Manford Williams Elementary School in Lamar Consolidated Independent School District including Sherri Hatton, Jackie Castillo, Barbara Andrzejewski, Anisa Garza, Heather Williams, Christie Burch, and Sarah Ramirez. Your children were such a delight, and your feedback helped to really shape these lessons early on. Your support for this work continues to be truly appreciated. Thank you to Cassye Baker, Euberta Lucas, Kallie Roman, and Kiana Johnson at McElwain Elementary and to Julia Arcuri, Lori Davies, and Jessie Miller at Davidson Elementary in Katy Independent School District for opening your doors to help us fine-tune the Patterns of Revision lesson structure. We also had so many teachers and friends submit writing samples for us to use during our research, deciding which lessons could be most effective for fifth graders. Thank you to Christina Nosek and Clare Landrigan for your fifth-grade mentor text recommendations. We love to lean on both of you for suggestions! Stenhouse continues to be such a support system for us. Thank you so much to Emily Hawkins, Stefani Roth, Stephanie Levy, Shannon St. Peter, and Lynne Costa for your continued love and care you give to our Patterns family. Thank you to our entire editing and design team for turning our plain manuscript into this beautiful book. To our incredibly positive and patient editor, Mark Overmeyer, who provided feedback and remained by our side through the writing and revision for this work. Thank you for being an additional eye on this project. We are so excited to have you on board!

ix

x

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Travis Leech, you were a crucial piece to this puzzle! Thank you for the many brainstorming sessions, the template and chart creations, the mockups, and the many revisions of each of them. We are so glad to have you on our team. To Terry Thompson who has remained close by and a phone call away. We thank you, Terry, for your continued support! We love you. To our families, thank you for putting up with us, especially when we had deadlines hanging over our heads! You continue to be our biggest cheerleaders, and we are so thankful to have you in our lives. Love you so much! – Whitney and Jeff

Introduction OWNING the Patterns of Revision

Remember one thing: That you should not leave this Earth until you have made it a little more beautiful, a little lovelier, a little more loving. – Osho

“What’s this mean?” Daphne waves her essay draft impatiently, reading aloud my generic comment: “Revise for clarity.” “Well . . .” I pause and stop scanning an URGENT email from the attendance clerk. “You know, Daphne . . . make it easier for the reader to understand. Clarity. Clear.” “But what’s revise and . . . clarity mean?” Daphne sighs. “Like, make it easy for the reader to understand.” I continue. “Oh, like spelling?” Daphne’s face brightens. “Not really . . .” I sigh. Daphne’s head tilts. “So, spelling doesn’t count then?” “That’s not exactly what I’m trying to say.” No doubt you’ve had similar conversations with your own writers, struggling to keep your revision hopes from dying on the vine when it all just seems so abstract. “But how?” students plead. There has to be a better way to teach revision. We know how you feel. We’ve been in similar situations, struggling to land on the right words to “get” kids to actually revise, not pretend to do so. Therefore, in this book, we want to offer helpful, concrete, doable solutions—something more than abstract generalizations, something more than advice lobbed at intermediate writers like wadded-up balls of paper: • Revise for clarity. • Develop this (part, sentence) more. • Organize your writing. • Structure is key. • You’re all over the place. (Focus!)

1

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Revision Truths Longer is not always better. Although it’s true revision can make a text longer (adding detail or clarity), sometimes things need to be deleted (cut extraneous details to make writing focused to communicate an intended message).

In Patterns of Revision, our goal is to show you how to help your fifth-grade writers access these revision strategies with the tools that already exist in your classroom: • using model texts • engaging in open-ended discussions • reading aloud their own words • discovering through inquiry • learning through exploration • playing and experimenting

Getting intermediate kids’ hands and minds engaged in the act of revising is the central aim of every component of the Students can apply Patterns of Revision process. In each lesson, we demonstrate these strategies in their what writers can actually do to revise—repeatable, practical, writing regardless of applicable choices, explored and named and used and evaluated. Students can apply these strategies in their writing regardless of genre, regardless of the genre, regardless of the assignment in front of them. They also assignment in front don’t need a draft to be complete to begin incorporating them. of them. They also Revising is ongoing. don’t need a draft to So where do we start? It’s important for students to know that we don’t revise to be complete to begin achieve perfection. Revision isn’t really about correction; it’s incorporating them. about making sense and so much more: • Deleting unneeded words or parts • Rearranging sentences and paragraphs • Adding connector words and punctuation to make relationships between and among words and ideas • Using the power of verbs and verb forms to tighten or enhance a message Revision Truths • Talking through changes and permutations to hear how they sound Shorter isn’t always and better evaluate their effectiveness better either. We opened this introduction with an epigraph that highlights the idea of doing “a Though we as writers aim to be as brief little more.” That’s the way we think about as possible so that our message is heard, revision—a process writers use to make their shorter texts aren’t always complete. We writing “a little more beautiful” or “a little want brief and effective, not skeletal and lovelier.” (We know. That’s not very concrete uninformative. yet—but hang on.) Our goal is to show fifth graders how to make their writing a little more effective and, with each experiential lesson, build a repertoire of options or choices (author’s purpose and craft) that they can own, and that will help them most clearly convey their meaning to their readers—or even answer multiple-choice revision test questions. We also strive to ensure the entire learning experience around revision is “a little more loving.” To that point, we’re hyperaware of how revision is often talked about—and it’s usually anything but loving.

Introduction: OWNING the Patterns of Revision

Do we lament or lift it? Do we malign or praise its gifts? Do we present revision as an absolute right-or-wrong proposition, or do we celebrate it as a set of powerful options that we can use as writers to effectively share our voices and communicate our passions? Because when the words fall just right, revision can inspire us with a little more awareness of options we can bring to future pieces. And this is what we want our fifth graders to feel. Experiences like these fortify their confidence and help them further identify as writers.

Talk It Out: The Power of Conversation to Move Writers Forward

3

Revision Truths Revision isn’t corrective. Although revision makes writing better (most of the time), it isn’t about fixing writing as much as it is about playing with the order, effectiveness, and clarity of words, phrases, and paragraphs. Writers revise to make sure what they write is what they mean. As always, it’s about meaning and effect—not right or wrong.

We believe in the power of talk, which is why conversation is the foundation of everything in this book— the lessons, the strategies, the philosophy. Conversation is rehearsal. And since it plays such a critical role in every lesson, you’ll notice speech bubbles placed as a constant reminder of the importance of talk to the Patterns of Revision process. Inquiry, discovery, and interaction naturally blossom out of student talk. Talking revisions out is freeing. We are far more likely to start, stop, restart, play, and recast when we are talking instead of writing. When you make time for the joyous generation of ideas that come from talking, you build writers’ revision repertoires. These conversations writers have become an internal part of their independent thinking process (Vygotsky 1978). “But what if my kids don’t talk?” you might wonder. Fifth graders will talk, but they may need your help directing that talk in a productive way. Model how to talk out revision. Give TALK them various opportunities to join in discussions with you and each other across multiple revision lessons. Processing time is important for engagement and retention. Give writers space and grace for their conversations to unfold. Practice extending your wait time to give them a minute to start talking; resist the everpresent urge to jump in too soon or too often to rush things along. It’s better that only a little bit of natural conversation bubbles up than for us to control it. It’s their rehearsal; it’s about starts and stops. Thinking can take silence, but it also needs to be unbound to allow ideas to bump against each other and take form. When we read our writing aloud or talk it out, we test our message for clarity and effectiveness. If you jump into their conversations too quickly to prompt, then students won’t experience the productive struggle necessary to learn how to revise. They’ll just wait for you to tell them what to revise. We break the DRAFT mnemonic into individual parts of the process—delete, rearrange, add Since talk is so central to the Patterns of Revision process and connectors, and form new verbs, but it all is critical in each lesson, we fold moments for talk across every begins and ends with talk. chapter. That’s because, in reality, the whole book’s foundation 14

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Talking It Out to Yourself

DELETE

Read and notice

REARRANGE

Revise

Choose one or more places to make revisions. Revisit the DRAFT chart for support with the revision process and focus.

Evaluate revisions

After completing one or more revisions, reread the piece of writing aloud to evaluate the effectiveness of your change(s).

ADD

FORM

Read your piece of writing aloud, noticing the big ideas that are emerging within the writing, any repetition in words or ideas, as well as any ideas that may benefit from being connected together or reorganized.

Talking It Out with Someone Else

TALK

Read and notice

Read your piece of writing aloud, noticing the big ideas that are emerging within the writing, any repetition in words or ideas, as well as any ideas that may benefit from being connected together or reorganized. Key in on one or more places you would like for your listeners to focus on for feedback.

Share focus

Share the place(s) in your writing you feel would benefit from feedback (ex., a more interesting introduction paragraph, the need for more imagery in paragraph two, etc.). Listeners may write focus points on a sticky note to call back to.

Read aloud

Read your piece of writing to the listeners twice. One time is to take in the content of the piece. The second time is to focus on the place(s) you would like feedback on.

Revision discussion

Listeners jot down ideas for you to help think about possibly revising one or more parts of your piece of writing. Listeners take turns sharing feedback with you. Use the feedback to go back and revise your draft.

Reconnect to evaluate

After revision is completed on your piece of writing, reconnect with the listeners to share revisions. Listeners give feedback on what they think of the revisions and if they have to ask any follow-up questions about your piece of writing to support you. Example questions: “Tell me about your choice to . . .” instead of when you “I wonder why you did with your writing.” talked about doing

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

is talk. To support this, we also include a fullpage printable that can be used for display or for pasting in your students’ notebooks (see Talk chart, page 14).

Teaching the Patterns of Revision

Tip Talk it out! An oral test drive illuminates clumsy parts, wonderful parts, and confusing parts. Revision is talking through your writing, either internally or externally. Repeated opportunities to see the simple act of talk in play across multiple writing experiences help students develop habits for these external conversations about meaning and effect, and these habits eventually become internal.

The good news is that we can revise in innumerable ways: this is the beauty and freedom of revision. On the other hand, these infinite choices can also be revision’s curse. Endless options can render revision overwhelming and thorny to teach—or do. We, our children, or any writer considering the sheer amount of revision possibilities can easily become paralyzed, frozen by trying to do it “right.” How do we help young writers decide what to do? We expose them to options—a high-impact, specific set of revision patterns that are based upon meaning-driven decisions and the desired effect we wish Revision Truths to have upon our readers. We read aloud; we model. We invite students deeper into this work. They experiment and play. They share and compare. They do. In Patterns Revision patterns do exist, of Revision, we intend to set writers and teachers up for and they leave writers success. We start with literature that demonstrates what clues for what is possible. revision can do for writing. Then we invite writers to try out the Patterns of Revision strategy with us, with There are plenty of effective revision other writers, and then on their own—all while having patterns writers can consider, and you can critical discussions about the effects of our revisions. showcase them through the mnemonic Another way we avoid the analysis paralysis that DRAFT (delete, rearrange, add connectors, form new verbs, and talk it out), which comes with so many choices is to narrow the focus for Jeff included in his books 10 Things Every deep study. To that end, the lessons that follow each Writer Needs to Know (2011) and Revision zero in on specific doable actions, helping students Decisions (2014) with Debbie Dean. realize, from the inside out, how words and the order or groupings we put them in change meaning and effect. As the lessons progress, these actions build on one another, cumulatively, to fill revisers’ repertoires with options: we invite them to constantly stretch beyond what they can do now, so they can easily reach the next place. Initially, we embolden writers to take risks and play with writing a bit at a time, with Tip specific lessons to build their stores of options Remember, the fifth strategy of “talking and prepare them for the cumulative work of it out” permeates everything we do in revision. The secret of these bite-sized chunks the Power of Revision process. Because of revision instruction is that they unlock fear it is integrated across the entire DRAFT by narrowing things a bit, so revision doesn’t mnemonic, we do not include a separate set feel insurmountable or incomprehensible. of lessons for the T (talk it out.) Eventually, students try two, three, or four

Introduction: OWNING the Patterns of Revision

5

revision strategies, each grounded in a foundation of talk and integrated into the mnemonic, DRAFT, illustrated below. We call this the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard. • Delete unnecessary information • Rearrange • Add connectors • Form new verbs • Talk it out The lessons that follow are built across this mnemonic. As you work through them with your writers, remember that the lines between these options are fuzzy and naturally bleed over from one action to another. For instance, to combine sentences, or to put ideas together—an important, research-based vehicle for revision application (Graham and Perin 2007)—writers often delete unneeded or repeated words as they rearrange sentences and ideas. Each action may, in turn, cause a cascade of new actions: • Inserting new connector punctuation such as a comma or colon • Incorporating new connector words such as conjunctions like but, and, or, when, while, until Forming new verbs with different endings to compensate for deleted information or words (you need •  to trust us for now) • Rearranging the words or ideas to make sense Changes force us to try exciting new possibilities, especially when we treat revision as a generative exercise of choices as we evaluate what works best at the micro- and macro-level. In this book, we introduce each revision strategy individually for deep study. But in reality, they work synergistically across the entire revision Throughout each process. To that end, the last set of lessons in Part 2 extends those lesson, from start individual strategy lessons, looking at them collectively in what we call combination lessons. Sentence combining uses all of our revision to finish and every strategies (DRAFT) and provides meaningful practice that writers will step along the way, transfer to their own work—if we are intentional. talking it out will And finally, as you get started, remember this revision work is wrapped up in the power of conversations. Throughout each lesson, from start play the most vital to finish and every step along the way, talking it out will play the most instructional role. vital instructional role. With all this in mind, let’s explore the Patterns of Revision lesson structure a bit further.

Tip Best Practice as Test Practice As teachers, we crave engaging and engrossing revision strategies that follow best language arts practices such as conversation that raises awareness of choices and effects in mentor texts. Best practices also highlight the value of focus and clarity and most importantly tap into students’ existing language pool to accelerate revision access and application. Hands-on sentence text manipulation and opportunities to talk about, apply, and discover new understandings about revision in larger applications thread through all twenty lessons included in this book. And all these conversations around effective options provide writers with the strategies they’ll need on any multiple-choice or open-ended test question you put in front of them.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Patterns of Revision Lesson Overview We love Candace Fleming’s nonfiction works, and, in the example that follows, we highlight a few of her sentences from Crash from Outer Space (2022) to give you a helicopter view of the structure of the lessons contained in this book. After a quick instructional overview, each lesson proceeds across six components, each building on the next to encourage collective community experiences and conversations around a particular revision strategy (see Figure I.1 on page 15): •  Collaborating Through •  Setting Context Conversation •  Naming the Revision •  Applying Revision Strategy •  Sharing Results •  Modeling

Introduction: OWNING the Patterns of Revision

15

Figure I.1 Each lesson in this book follows the same format.

How Do We Engage Writers in Revision? Lesson Process

Why?

Setting Context

When students engage with a model text, they are more likely to consider the effectiveness of the author’s choices.

Naming the Revision Strategy

When looking at student writing, it can be easy to get bogged down in fixing this, that, and everything else. Narrowing the focus to a small, manageable number of revision strategies helps writers access bite-sized chunks.

How? • Provide some background about the model text, including a part of it read aloud.

• Create a need for the revision strategy. • Brush up on revision standards and decide what is appropriate for students.

• Name and highlight the strategy that will be modeled in the particular lesson.

• Model the revision strategy. • Talk out possible decisions writers could

Modeling

Students need to see the target to hit it. Modeling writing behaviors demonstrates strategies and gives students clarity as they move toward application.

• Provide a structured opportunity for writers

Collaborating Through Conversation

Since everyone works on the same sentence(s), this collaboration gives more opportunities for shared discussion and demonstrates the many possible outcomes of revision. Creating writing together and comparing and contrasting a variety of writing moves broadens student perspectives. Post-collaboration reflection cements and clarifies concepts.

Applying Revision

Revision becomes an integrated part of students’ writing process when they are nudged to apply the strategies to their own compositions. Successful revision application also builds writers’ confidence in their ability to craft quality writing.

• Provide concrete ways to nudge writers into

Sharing Results

Sharing and celebrating the revisions students make in their own writing makes students feel valued, and they will want to continue to revise other pieces in the future.

• Provide time for students to share their

make and how they generate them.

• Reveal concrete ways to improve writing and solve writing problems.

to get their feet wet, playing and experimenting with revision work.

• Provide opportunity for writers to share their work with each other to uncover numerous revision solutions.

• Facilitate post-revision reflection to tie the work to a revision concept.

using the modeled and practiced skill to solve their own writing problems.

• Offer time and space for writers to apply their learning to their writing.

revisions with each other.

• Celebrate their work with clapping, music, and/or displays.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Setting the Context with Read-Aloud In each lesson, we kick things off by setting the context. Jeff might say something like, “This is a book about the mysteries of UFOs, or unknown objects from space.” Then, to further set the context, he reads aloud another section of Fleming’s book:

On the evening of June 13, 1947, William “Mack” Brazel sat on the porch of his tiny ranch house near Roswell, New Mexico. . . . On the horizon, a storm brewed. Bolts of jagged lightning flashed and flashed again, illuminating a mass of thick, swirling clouds. Brazel leaned forward . . . he’d never seen anything like this. The storm clouds had turned blood red and lightning kept striking the same place over and over. The thunderclaps sounded like explosions. The sky ignited!

Throughout the past few weeks, Jeff has taken students through revision at the paragraph level—deleting, rearranging, and adding whole sentences—and now feels that his students are ready for the ultimate revision strategy: combining sentences, which takes all of his recent lessons and invites fifth graders to do this same work at the sentence level while thinking how ideas could be combined. He focuses on the next sentence from the read-aloud. Here is the sentence as it appears in Fleming’s Crash from Outer Space (2022):

Like fireworks, rays of orange and red spread across the sky.

Jeff lifts this sentence and briefly makes it less effective, deconstructing it for the purposes of teaching how combining can make a piece less repetitive and more concise. To that end, he untangles all of Fleming’s great text. (Forgive us, Candace. Don’t worry, we’ll eventually share your awesome sentence, but not just yet.)

Introduction: OWNING the Patterns of Revision

7

Original: Like fireworks, rays of orange and red spread across the sky. Unrevised: It looked like there were fireworks. They were orange. They were red too. The colors spread across the sky.

Naming the Revision Strategy Jeff chooses this time after setting the context to share a specific revision strategy. “Sometimes writing has too many words.” “Amen!” Justice says. “When revising . . .” Jeff smiles. “One thing we can always do is use DRAFT to help us.” Jeff shares the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard with his students. This DRAFT chart is a sneak peek of the dashboard that defines the DRAFT mnemonic that students will use after they have been introduced to the strategies individually in Part 1. “So far, we’ve learned how to delete, rearrange, and add when we revise. Now we can do that same thing, but we’ll look closer at what words are repeated that we can delete and how we might rearrange what we have left. Let’s look back at Candace Fleming’s writing. In her next sentence, Fleming wants to tell her reader more about the sky igniting. Let’s look over her ideas and see how we might use DRAFT to revise some parts that may not work so well.”

Modeling the Strategy Jeff displays the “unrevised” version:

It looked like there were fireworks. They were orange. They were red too. The colors spread across the sky.

He asks questions like “What do you notice about these four sentences? Are there any words that aren’t needed or necessary for the author to get their point across? Could we take out, or delete, any words?” As students share out their responses to his prompt, Jeff models deleting. “You’ve noticed that there are a few words repeated. Repetition isn’t always a problem, but here I wonder if we could take out some of the repeated words.” “There are three weres,” Xavier says. “True,” Jeff says. “Maybe we could take one or two of them out.” “There are two theys,” Marshawn announces. “Let’s see what happens if we delete a few of these weres and theys,” Jeff says.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

It looked like there were fireworks. They were orange. They were red too. The colors spread across the sky.

“What are some ways we could rearrange or revise this? Talk to your elbow partners and think it through a bit together.” After a few minutes, Jeff calls for groups to share. Stefani begins. “You could say it looked like the fireworks were orange and red.” “Hmm!” Jeff encourages. “That deletes, or takes out, a lot of words and still says the same thing.” He sums up, “When we cut the first were, it caused us to note the word there proceeding were isn’t needed either.” One student points to the DRAFT chart and notes that they’ll need to add the word and to make their revision work. And that’s just the kind of bleeding into other strategies that naturally occurs during revision, such as removing a word that no longer works, moving some things around, or adding connector words like and to root out repeated words. With Jeff’s guidance, the class of writers collaborates to consider what’s left of the unrevised version of the model, as he challenges students to combine all four sentences remaining into one. “Have you ever started a sentence with the word it and somebody responded, ‘What’s it?’ In general, when we write, we have to be careful when using the word it: we have to make clear to the audience what it is. Let’s look at the first sentence that starts with the pronoun it.”

It looked like there were fireworks.



“What is the it in this sentence referring to, or in other words, what’s it?” “I don’t know!” Carlotta snaps. “It doesn’t really say.” “Let’s think about the word it in our sentences and to what it is referring.”

It looked like there were fireworks. They were orange. They were red too. The colors spread across the sky.

Introduction: OWNING the Patterns of Revision

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After debating whether it has to do with the sky or colors, the students vote as a class. Here’s what Jeff and the writers came up with:

The colors were orange and red colors spread across the sky like fireworks.

Jeff leads a quick discussion about the effectiveness of this class-drafted version and whether there’s anything they can do to improve it. “Could we make it any better? Let’s look at our DRAFT chart again.” Jeff stares at the sentence, asking kids to reread it with him. Jonathan jumps up. “Maybe you don’t have to say the word colors twice.” “Ooh, deleting repeated words. That’s what writers do.” Jeff smiles. “Good move. Let’s talk it out.” “Yeah. When you say the words red and orange, everyone already knows, they’re colors, so we could just say it once: the orange and red colors spread across the sky.” As Vivica says this, Jeff records her words on the board and stands back. “Yeah. Take out the colors were,” Sage agrees. “How would that read?” Jeff asks. “Talk it out.” Jeff records and displays the revision as Denny talks it out, “So it would be: The red and orange colors spread across the sky.” “But we can’t forget about like fireworks! That should be in there, right?” Melissa reminds the group. Jeff stands back as the class talks it out, working together to add the phrase back into the revision. “Good work. Do you want to see Candace Fleming’s final version?” They are, in fact, dying to see it. Jeff invites the group to compare their revision with Fleming’s:

Class Version:  The orange and red colors spread across the sky like fireworks. Original Version: Like fireworks, rays of orange and red spread across the sky.

And as students compare and contrast their sentence with Fleming’s original, the group naturally starts to learn about options and choices we can make as writers. For example, sometimes when we delete, the revision needs the help of a connector sentence, word, or phrase. “I didn’t know you could use the word like at the beginning of a sentence!” Naomi calls from the back. Jeff smiles, knowing that this is a perfect set up for future lessons on sentence combining as a revision strategy. Note, the goal here isn’t matching, changing, or challenging Fleming’s original; instead, we’re studying it so we can think through revision possibilities and options around it, so we can learn from her brilliant process.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Collaborating Through Conversation Next, Jeff invites the students to dive in and use conversation as a way to think about combining sentences using DRAFT in another excerpt from the same text. In groups, they work from another unrevised selection he’s deconstructed from Fleming’s book. (You can find all lesson printables and displays at the end of each lesson.)

Brazel could see the sagebrush. Brazel could see the cacti. He could see them clearly. It was as if it were daytime.

Jeff begins, “Take a minute to carefully read the four sentences a couple of times with your group. Read it to yourselves and read it aloud. What do you notice?” Students talk through the sentences and start crossing through anything that seems unneeded such as repeated words. “Work together to think through how you might reflect all of this information in one clear sentence.” Once students have read through the sentences and started cutting and combining, they decide what to write down as a new version. Student groups share their revisions with others in the class, comparing and contrasting different options and effects. Finally, after students share, Jeff invites them to look over Candace Fleming’s original model sentence, continuing to explore how varying versions can accomplish more or less impactful levels of meaning.

Brazel could see the sagebrush and cacti as clearly as if it were daytime.

This exploration is very important: when we study an author’s original sentence, it is not because it is the right answer but because it is an answer. This is how we learn powerful language patterns: by listening and reading other writers’ work. There is no right or wrong answer; there are only options.

This exploration is very important: when we study an author’s original sentence, it is not because it is the right answer but because it is an answer. This is how we learn powerful language patterns: by listening and reading other writers’ work. There is no right or wrong answer; there are only options.

Introduction: OWNING the Patterns of Revision

11

Applying Revision Later, students will return to their own writing and look for a place where they can combine sentences or ideas. But before that, Jeff chooses to model making revisions to his own writing. So the next day, Jeff opens the class by reviewing what they’ve discovered so far and displays some sentences in his writer’s notebook.

Adults spend tons of time worrying kids aren’t happy. They don’t think they’re happy enough. When you do have some fun, it’s always at the wrong time.

“I love to write,” Jeff says. “But when I do write, if I go back and look at it later, I can usually find some ways to make it more effective. One way I can do this is to remove unnecessary ideas and sentences. First, I always look for repeated words that could be deleted. Do you see some here?” Jamaica says, “Well, it’s not really repeated, but they and adults are the same thing.” “Brilliant!” He circles adults and they. “So . . . if we took out one of these words . . . someone talk out some ways we could make this into one sentence.” Students attempt to talk it out and Jeff writes down some options. Then, together, the class makes a choice of which one is the clearest and best. Afterward, Jeff concludes the discussion by inviting students to go into their notebooks or any piece of writing, old or new, and look for places they might revise some sentences and combine them using DRAFT.

Sharing Results After they’ve had some time to apply the revision strategy of combining in a few of their pieces, students share and celebrate their own revisions, the befores and afters, comparing and contrasting effects and celebrating the hard work of their revisions. Jeff’s goal in this sharing stage is to give young writers opportunities to hear what revising and sharing and listening to each other can do to help writers revise and to celebrate that process with students. (Another aspect of talking it out.) These repeated celebrations convince writers: “This is something I can do.” Now that we’ve explored its lesson structure, let’s take a look at how to use this book and what’s to come.

Revising at the Sentence, Paragraph, and Whole-Text Level Every revision strategy presented in Patterns of Revision can be applied at the word, phrase, sentence, paragraph, or whole-text levels. For example, the lessons in Chapter 3 highlight adding in new information to help the text progress from idea to idea. We present this concept by adding new sentences at the paragraph level, but revising by adding could happen just as surely at the sentence level, with students adding in specific words to help clarify meaning. Sometimes, writers even notice that entire pieces will need an additional paragraph to support their main point more clearly. With all this, be flexible and responsive. If you feel your writers are ready to explore adding clarifying words at the sentence level, follow that instinct. You can easily spin out from the lessons presented here to zoom in and out on these various levels of revision with your writers (see the Patterns of Revision Quick List of Lesson Components, page 16).

12

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

How to Use the Patterns of Revision Resource Revision Truths Revision requires time and thought. One quick change isn’t really revising and stretching. Revision is about making writing better, but this requires deep thought, conversation, and reflection as writers read aloud, talk things out, and explore different choices along with their effects to make sure they’re saying exactly what they want their readers to understand. In short, revision is a generative activity.

This is one of those books where you must read the introduction. We made it short, but it’s packed with information that will help you find success with Patterns of Revision in your classroom. Although each lesson follows the same format (see Figure I.1, page 15), this book is written in an order of progression, moving from deleting, rearranging, and adding entire sentences, phrases, or words at the paragraph level to combining ideas at the sentence level. Part 1 lessons follow the DRAFT mnemonic revision strategies of delete, rearrange, and add in concrete, manageable bite-sized chunks, one at a time. Part 2 builds from these to include sentencecombining lessons, which apply DRAFT in a more blended way, calling upon the revision strategies students explored in Part 1 but bringing them together in larger contexts.

Now it’s time to dive into the lessons in Chapters 1–4. Remember, they are built on talk and generation of possibilities. Make your classroom a safe place to experiment in the free flow of ideas. The lessons will help your fifth-grade writers reflect on purpose and effect, enhancing their abilities to revise in any setting. When choosing lessons that will best meet the needs of your students, here is a list of things to consider:





1. Read the lesson overview for each chapter. This will explain how the set of lessons differs from the others. 2. Explore the Patterns of Revision Quick List of Lesson Components chart located in Figure I.2 on page 16. This will help you zoom in on the individual lesson components while giving you an overview of how the lessons in each chapter are alike and different, as you teach the Patterns of Revision. 3. Each lesson will range from a minimum of forty-five minutes to an hour. Lessons could easily spill into the next day or be planned across several days. Use your discretion to adjust their pacing based on the needs of your fifth graders and the flexibility of your schedule. 4. Display pages and printables are included right in the lesson for which they’re needed, so you can easily locate them for display or pasting into student notebooks.

Introduction: OWNING the Patterns of Revision







13

5. Since the processes in this book center on talk, make sure you allow plenty of wait time after you ask questions and allow for plenty of silence after their answers to see if the students will add more. You can always sum up everything at the end. 6. You will likely find teaching the DRAFT revision strategies more manageable if you progress through the lessons in order. However, as always, we encourage you to chart a course that makes the most sense based on the needs of the student writers you work with every day. 7. As you work through the twenty lessons included in Part 1 and Part 2, recognize that they are just a starting point. They aren’t intended to be comprehensive. As you develop your instructional muscles for the steps in each lesson, you’ll be ready to stretch beyond them, using the structures we introduce here to plan your own Patterns of Revision lessons—driven by your students’ ongoing needs and grounded in mentor texts your writers enjoy, celebrate, and love.

Finally, remember during the entire revision process to have fun with your students. Play. Experiment. Talk it out. Try new ways of writing. Allow this process to grow your writing community and elevate the ways you and your students think about the power of revision.

14

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

TALK Talking It Out to Yourself DELETE

Read and notice REARRANGE

Revise

Choose one or more places to make revisions. Revisit the DRAFT chart for support with the revision process and focus.

Evaluate revisions

After completing one or more revisions, reread the piece of writing aloud to evaluate the effectiveness of your change(s).

ADD

FORM

Read your piece of writing aloud, noticing the big ideas that are emerging within the writing, any repetition in words or ideas, as well as any ideas that may benefit from being connected together or reorganized.

Talking It Out with Someone Else

TALK

Read and notice

Read your piece of writing aloud, noticing the big ideas that are emerging within the writing, any repetition in words or ideas, as well as any ideas that may benefit from being connected together or reorganized. Key in on one or more places you would like for your listeners to focus on for feedback.

Share focus

Share the place(s) in your writing you feel would benefit from feedback (ex., a more interesting introduction paragraph, the need for more imagery in paragraph two, etc.). Listeners may write focus points on a sticky note to call back to.

Read aloud

Read your piece of writing to the listeners twice. One time is to take in the content of the piece. The second time is to focus on the place(s) you would like feedback on.

Revision discussion

Listeners jot down ideas for you to help think about possibly revising one or more parts of your piece of writing. Listeners take turns sharing feedback with you. Use the feedback to go back and revise your draft.

Reconnect to evaluate

After revision is completed on your piece of writing, reconnect with the listeners to share revisions. Listeners give feedback on what they think of the revisions and if they have to ask any follow-up questions about your piece of writing to support you. Example questions: “Tell me about your choice to . . .” instead of when you “I wonder why you did with your writing.” talked about doing

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Introduction: OWNING the Patterns of Revision

15

Figure I.1 Each lesson in this book follows the same format.

How Do We Engage Writers in Revision? Lesson Process

Why?

Setting Context

When students engage with a model text, they are more likely to consider the effectiveness of the author’s choices.

Naming the Revision Strategy

When looking at student writing, it can be easy to get bogged down in fixing this, that, and everything else. Narrowing the focus to a small, manageable number of revision strategies helps writers access bite-sized chunks.

Modeling

Students need to see the target to hit it. Modeling writing behaviors demonstrates strategies and gives students clarity as they move toward application.

How? • Provide some background about the model text, including a part of it read aloud.

• Create a need for the revision strategy. • Brush up on revision standards and decide what is appropriate for students.

• Name and highlight the strategy that will be modeled in the particular lesson.

• Model the revision strategy. • Talk out possible decisions writers could make and how they generate them.

• Reveal concrete ways to improve writing and solve writing problems.

Since everyone works on the same sentence(s), this collaboration gives more opportunities for shared discussion and demonstrates the many possible outcomes of revision. Creating writing together and comparing and contrasting a variety of writing moves broadens student perspectives. Post-collaboration reflection cements and clarifies concepts.

• Provide a structured opportunity for writers

Applying Revision

Revision becomes an integrated part of students’ writing process when they are nudged to apply the strategies to their own compositions. Successful revision application also builds writers’ confidence in their ability to craft quality writing.

• Provide concrete ways to nudge writers into

Sharing Results

Sharing and celebrating the revisions students make in their own writing makes students feel valued, and they will want to continue to revise other pieces in the future.

• Provide time for students to share their

Collaborating Through Conversation

to get their feet wet, playing and experimenting with revision work. • Provide opportunity for writers to share their work with each other to uncover numerous revision solutions. • Facilitate post-revision reflection to tie the work to a revision concept.

using the modeled and practiced skill to solve their own writing problems. • Offer time and space for writers to apply their learning to their writing.

revisions with each other.

• Celebrate their work with clapping, music, and/or displays.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

16

Figure I.2

Patterns of Revision Quick List of Lesson Components Lesson Sets Revision Strategies

Setting the Context

Naming the Revision Strategy

Modeling the Strategy

Part 1

Part 2

(Pages 21 – 122)

(Pages 123 – 246)

Delete

Rearrange

Add Connectors

Identify and lift an engaging piece of authentic writing to serve as a model.

Identify and lift an engaging piece of authentic writing to serve as a model.

Identify and lift an engaging piece of authentic writing to serve as a model.

Introduce the model excerpt to writers, giving some background information and building interest.

Introduce the model excerpt to writers, giving some background information and building interest.

Introduce the model excerpt to writers, giving some background information and building interest.

Establish and define deleting as a powerful revision strategy, naming it as the purpose for the lesson with a continued focus on the model text.

Establish and define rearranging as a powerful revision strategy, naming it as the purpose for the lesson with a continued focus on the model text.

Establish and define adding connectors as a powerful revision strategy, naming it as the purpose for the lesson with a continued focus on the model text.

Demonstrate the power of deleting unneeded or repetitive sentences, words, or phrases, studying the choices the author of the model text made, talking, thinking, creating, and sharing.

Demonstrate the power of rearranging words and sentences to help make our writing more organized and structured, studying the choices the author of the model text made, talking, thinking, creating, and sharing.

Form new verbs

In the Grade 5 resource, we make room for the fact that forming new verbs or verb endings is a developing skill for fifth graders. We’ve chosen to integrate introductory experiences with this strategy into several setencecombining lessons in Part 2.

We expand on the sophisticated strategy of formDemonstrate ing new verbs/ the power of verb endings with adding connector sentences, words, greater detail in subsequent Patand punctuation terns of Revision to help make resources for writing easy to follow, studying the grades 6–8. choices the author of the model text made, talking, thinking, creating, and sharing.

Talk

Combining Part II pulls the thread of DRAFT through the rest of the lessons, weaving in strategies from all the lessons and conversations that have come before. As always, the lessons in this set start with lifting and introducing an engaging piece of authentic writing for study and discussion.

Conversation is so key that we introduce “talking it out” early in the introduction of Patterns of Revision and fold it into every lesson of this book.

Name that revisers ultimately use all the DRAFT strategies and note how some decisions prompt additional choices that need to be made. Emphasize this strategy is about finding a combination that works. There is no one right answer.

Demonstrate combining multiple strategies in one revising event--reading through options, referring back to the DRAFT mnemonic, making critical decisions, and talking them out while continually considering meaning and effectiveness.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Introduction: OWNING the Patterns of Revision

17

Figure I.2 (continued)

Patterns of Revision Quick List of Lesson Components Lesson Sets Revision Strategies

Collaborating Through Conversation

Applying Revision

Sharing Results

Delete

Part 1

Part 2

(Pages 21 – 122)

(Pages 123 – 246)

Rearrange

Add Connectors

Form new verbs

Talk

Working together and using a new text excerpt, revisers think through possibilities for combining multiple sentences into one while calling back to previously learned revision strategies (DRAFT), trying them out, talking them through, and using all this to make effective, meaning-centered revision decisions.

Working together and using a new Working together text excerpt, and using a new writers talk text excerpt, through revision writers talk through possibilities, possibilities rearranging and for deleting moving sentences unnecessary around and or repetitive, reorganizing them sentences, words, to see what effect or phrases. it has on the reader.

Working together and using a new text excerpt, writers talk through possibilities for adding in new information, sentences, words, or phrases to connect ideas in In the Grade 5 a clear way. resource, we make room for the fact that forming new Writers try out Writers try out Writers try out verbs or verb the strategy in the strategy in the strategy in endings is a their own writing their own writing their own writing developing skill by returning to by returning to by returning to for fifth graders. previous drafts or previous drafts or previous drafts or We’ve chosen pieces from their pieces from their pieces from their to integrate writing notebooks writing notebooks writing notebooks introductory to revise using the experiences with to revise using the to revise using power of adding the power of power of deleting this strategy into connectors to rearranging to to make their several setencemake writing easier combining make their writing writing effective, to follow, talking effective, talking talking through lessons in Part 2. through options through options options either either internally or either internally or We expand on internally or with the sophisticated with peers. with peers. peers. strategy of forming new verbs/ verb endings with Writers share Writers share greater detail in Writers share and celebrate by and celebrate by subsequent Patand celebrate by reading aloud from reading aloud from reading aloud from terns of Revision their new pieces their new pieces resources for their new pieces while revisiting while revisiting grades 6–8. while revisiting the newly learned the newly learned the newly learned revision strategy revision strategy revision strategy and talking and talking through and talking through through how their how their choices how their choices choices to delete to rearrange to add new details unnecessary sentences, to connect affect sentences, phrases, or words meaning and phrases, or words affect meaning and make their pieces affect meaning and make their pieces stronger. make their pieces stronger. stronger.

Combining

Conversation is so key that we introduce “talking it out” early in the introduction of Patterns of Revision and fold it into every lesson of this book.

Revisers try out combining strategies in their own writing by returning to previous drafts or pieces from their writing notebooks. They revise using a combination of all or a collection of the DRAFT revision strategies —deleting, rearranging, adding, forming new verbs, and, of course, talking it out either internally or with peers.

Revisers share and celebrate by reading aloud from their new pieces while talking through the individual DRAFT revision strategies they considered and how their ultimate decisions enhance their message and make their piece stronger. As always, steer this conversation toward choice and effect. There isn’t one right answer.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

18

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Connecting the Patterns of Revision to the Patterns of Power If you’ve come to this book by way of our previous work in the Patterns of Power series, this book is not intended as a replacement but rather a supplement to that family of resources. Patterns of Power focuses on studying authors’ use of grammar and mechanics to create meaning and effect. Patterns of Revision follows a similar structure to Patterns of Power in that it asks students to directly apply new concepts to their own writing, in context. Patterns of Revision can easily be used in concert with the ongoing work you’re doing with grammar instruction—or its lessons can stand on their own. As in Patterns of Power, the carefully orchestrated lessons in this book provide all you need, including curated excerpts from authentic literature and culturally nourishing texts (Qarooni 2024) to spark powerful revision conversations along with twenty lesson plans with correlating printables, displays, and stepby-step visual instructions to generate engaging experiences to make revising with depth accessible and memorable to fifth graders. Patterns of Revision Lesson

Lesson Type

Goal Focus

Mentor Text Title

5.1 Pairing It Down: Delete Repetition

Delete

Delete unnecessary or repetitive information that obscures meaning.

Animal BFFs: Even Animals Have Best Friends!

5.2 It’s Not About THAT: Delete Unneeded Information

Delete

Delete unnecessary information that obscures meaning.

Don’t Sit on the Baby: The Ultimate Guide to Sane, Skilled, and Safe Babysitting, second edition

5.3 Sentence Smashers: Eliminating Sentences That Don’t Belong

Delete

Delete unnecessary information that obscures meaning.

History Smashers: The American Revolution

5.4 Order Gives Your Readers Oxygen

Rearrange

Rearrange ideas and sentences to ensure a logical progression.

Born to Fly: The First Women’s Air Race Across America

5.5 Racing to Rearrange

Rearrange

Rearrange ideas and sentences in a sequential order to ensure a logical progression.

Becoming Muhammad Ali

Rearrange ideas and sentences to ensure a logical progression focusing on main idea and details.

Operation Pangolin: Saving the World’s Only Scaled Mammal

5.6 Operation Rearrange: Rearrange Stay Focused

Patterns of Power, Grades 1–5 Connection

PoP Lesson 6.1 Verbs Move: Verbs Mean Action PoP Lesson 6.2 Tell It Like It Is (Are, Was, Were, Be, Been, and Am): The Verbs of Being

Introduction: OWNING the Patterns of Revision

19

(continued)

Patterns of Revision Lesson

Lesson Type

Goal Focus

Mentor Text Title

5.7 The Art of Connecting Ideas

Add

Add a sentence to connect one idea to the next, giving the piece coherence.

Washed Ashore: Making Art from Ocean Plastic

5.8 Tagging Detail with Connectors

Add

Add a sentence that provides relevant details for clarity.

Team Chu and the Battle of Blackwood Arena

5.9 Transitions to the Rescue: Linking Ideas

Add

Add a sentence to transition from one idea to the next.

All Thirteen: The Incredible Cave Rescue of the Thai Boys’ Soccer Team

PoP Lesson 15.3 Sooner or Later: Adverbs of Time

Combine

Combine ideas to avoid redundancy, add clarity, and improve fluency: series of actions.

Freewater

PoP Lesson 6.3 Have You Got the Time? Verb Tense

5.10 Free to Combine with DRAFT: A Reviser’s Dashboard

Patterns of Power, Grades 1–5 Connection

PoP Lesson 18.1 Curious and Studied: Combining Sentences

5.11 There Is No One and Only Combination

Combine

Combine ideas to avoid redundancy, add clarity, and improve fluency: compound sentences.

PoP Lesson 18.2 Hearing Voices: Compound Sentences 101 The One and Only Ruby

PoP Lesson 18.3 The Draw of a Compound Sentence: Coordinating Contrast PoP Lesson 18.4 So . . . : What Compound Sentences Cause and Effect PoP Lesson 18.5 Driving Miss Crazy: The Choice Or Gives PoP Lesson 20.1 If You Give a Writer a Model: The Conditional Subordinate

5.12 Accidental Complex Sentence Writers

Combine

Combine ideas to avoid redundancy, add clarity, and improve fluency: complex sentences.

Accidental Archaeologists: True Stories of Unexpected Discoveries

PoP Lesson 20.2 AAAWWUBBIS: From Garbage to Treasure PoP Lesson 20.3 Robot AAAWWUBBIS: As You Know PoP Lesson 20.4 Before You Lose Your Nerve: AAAWWUBBIS Continued PoP Lesson 20.5 Plenty of Raisins for No Comma: When AAAWWUBBIS Isn’t First

5.13 Sticking Your Neck Out: Introducing the Formation of New Verbs 5.14 Participle: A Right to Form New Verbs

Combine

Combine ideas to avoid redundancy, add clarity, and improve fluency: participles.

Totally Random Facts, Volume 1: 3,128 Wild, Wacky, and Wondrous Things About the World

Combine

Combine ideas to avoid redundancy, add clarity, and improve fluency: participles.

A Seed in the Sun

(continues)

20

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5 (continued)

Patterns of Revision Lesson 5.15 When Gaze Becomes Gazing: Transforming Verbs 5.16 Combining to Find a Place in This World

5.17 It’s in the Details: Combine for Fluency

5.18 Building Relationships: Combine Ideas 5.19 Renaming to Combine Information 5.20 Recomposing: Moving from Passive to Active Voice

Lesson Type

Goal Focus

Combine

Combine ideas to avoid redundancy, add clarity, and improve fluency: participles.

Mentor Text Title

Patterns of Power, Grades 1–5 Connection

PoP Lesson 6.1 Verbs Move: Verbs Mean Action When Sea Becomes Sky

PoP Lesson 6.2 Tell It Like It Is (Are, Was, Were, Be, Been, and Am): The Verbs of Being PoP Lesson 6.3 Have You Got the Time? Verb Tense PoP Lesson 6.4 Highly Irregular: Nonconforming Verbs

Combine

Combine

Combine ideas to avoid redundancy, add clarity, and improve fluency: adjectives and prepositional phrases.

Combine ideas to avoid redundancy, add clarity, and improve fluency: prepositional phrases as openers and adjectives.

Nicky & Vera: A Quiet Hero of the Holocaust and the Children He Rescued

PoP Lesson 13.1 What Kind of Chimpanzee? Adjectives Answer Questions PoP Lesson 13.2 Good Enough: Adjectives Before Nouns PoP Lesson 13.3 Ink a Link: Using Adjectives After the Verb PoP Lesson 13.4 Photographic Memory: Crafting Adjectives PoP Lesson 13.5 The Describing Verb: Showing an Action of Use with -ing Adjectives

The Ogress and the Orphans

PoP Lesson 16.1 A Phrase I’m Going Through: PrePOSITIONS PoP Lesson 16.2 You Rang? When and Where? PoP Lesson 16.3 One Prepared Pig: Which One?

Combine ideas to avoid redundancy, add clarity, and improve fluency: prepositional phrases as openers to show relationships.

The Wild Robot

Combine

Combine ideas to avoid redundancy, add clarity, and improve fluency: closers with clarifying details (appositives).

Shirly Chisholm Is a Verb!

PoP Tip Box: page 426

Combine

Combine ideas to avoid redundancy, add clarity, and improve fluency: active voice.

Rotten! Vultures, Beetles, Slime, and Nature’s Other Decomposers

PoP Lesson 6.5 Rain Pummeled the Ground Versus The Ground Was Pummeled by Rain: Finding Your Active Voice

Combine

PoP Lesson 16.1 A Phrase I’m Going Through: PrePOSITIONS PoP Lesson 16.2 You Rang? When and Where? PoP Lesson 16.3 One Prepared Pig: Which One?

Part 1 EXPLORING

Patterns of

REVISION

Bite-Sized in

CHUNKS

1

Invitation to DELETE UNNECESSARY INFORMATION Getting rid of clutter gives writing its due space: space for thought, space for readers to soak in what’s important, space for what matters most. When we clear out the clutter, our best thoughts surface and shine.

W

– Jeff Anderson, 10 Things Every Writer Needs to Know

e like to ground the lessons in this chapter’s set with an initial exploration of the word necessary, asking students to share out what it means. Invariably someone will say something like, “You have to do something.” “So, if something is necessary, you have to do it. It’s important. It’s needed. Now think about the prefix -un. Turn to your neighbor and discuss what the prefix -un usually does to a word when attached to the beginning of it.” The discussion usually produces some responses like “-Un almost always means not” or “-Un can mean ‘the opposite of.’” Then, we ask them to consider how adding -un to the beginning of the word necessary changes the meaning. We discuss how the opposite of necessary means something you don’t need or have to do. Now we’re cooking with gas. In this chapter, we include three starter lessons to help students begin to think about parts of their writing that are unnecessary—inclusions they don’t need because they’re ineffective or repetitive or things they don’t have to have for their piece to make sense. In this chapter, we include three As you lead your writers through the work of deleting starter lessons to help students words, phrases, and sentences presented across this chapter, begin to think about parts of their your conversations may naturally evolve to include the idea that revisers can also choose to delete larger chunks of text like whole writing that are unnecessary— paragraphs. For specific guidance in extending discussions with inclusions they don’t need because your writers beyond these lessons to the paragraph level, see the they’re ineffective or repetitive or Delete chart on page 24. Students may keep a copy of this chart in their writing folder, glue a copy into their writing notebook, things they don’t have to have for or access a copy hanging in your classroom. their piece to make sense. All of the lessons in this chapter follow a similar format. We include a sentence with extra information that doesn’t belong in the paragraph, and we then invite students to consider which sentence should be deleted and why. First, we try one out together, then writers try a different one in small groups or with partners. To conclude the lesson, students return to their own writing to delete unnecessary details, sentences, or words that get in the way of meaning for readers. We learn by doing, so let’s start deleting.

23

24

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

DELETE Deleting at the Sentence Level Get rid of WORDY WORDS (words that don’t say much or are repetitive) Check your writing for word pairs that actually do the same thing. Delete the extra word. Examples: fall down past history unexpected surprise cancel out

BECOMES BECOMES BECOMES BECOMES

fall past surprise cancel

Use a single word to say the same thing as the pair or group of words. Examples: said loudly at the present time

BECOMES yelled BECOMES now

If you are looking to cut words that don’t do much work, check your writing for some of the words below. They don’t always need to be deleted, but can be easily removed without affecting meaning. Examples: absolutely all completely definitely just kind of

quite really sort of totally very would

Deleting at the Paragraph Level Find your focus • Read or reread one paragraph you wrote. • Think about and decide what you think is the main topic or focus of the paragraph. • Write or say the main focus of the paragraph in one word, phrase, or sentence. Check your writing for extra ideas not related to your main focus • After deciding on a main focus, reread your paragraph. Are there any parts of the paragraph that don’t match your focus? • If not, move on to looking at the next paragraph of your composition. • If so, you have some choices to make: – Move these extra ideas somewhere else, either connected to another paragraph or into a new paragraph or another piece of future writing. – If these ideas don’t fit anywhere, delete them.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Chapter 1: Invitation to DELETE UNNECESSARY INFORMATION

5.1 Pairing It Down: Delete Repetition Lesson Overview Revision goal connected to standards: Develop and strengthen writing by deleting unnecessary or repetitive information that obscures meaning.

Model Text Animal BFFs: Even Animals Have Best Friends! – Written by Sophie Corrigan

Teacher Considerations We often ask writers to identify places in their writing that may seem unclear to readers, and when we take a closer look, a common reason the piece is unclear is because it includes distracting, repetitive information. To help them gain confidence in deleting information that doesn’t belong, we invite writers to approach revision with conversations and thinking around meaning and effect, instead of what’s right and what’s wrong. We love Sophie Corrigan’s informational text, Animal BFFs: Even Animals Have Best Friends!, because of the unique way it teaches readers about why and how animals interact with each other in nature. Flipping perspectives between the animals and the narrator, readers are easily engaged in this text. Your students will probably love the use of speech bubbles and other graphics in this book as well. Since this will likely be the first Patterns of Revision lesson you provide for your fifth-grade students in this school year, you may choose to add more guidance during the discussion. If you do, be sure to leave ample time for authentic conversation, keeping this lesson focused on your students’ thoughts and discoveries rather than a checklist of tasks.

25

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Setting the Context

In her book, author Sophie Corrigan uses both animals’ and the narrator’s perspectives to teach readers why and how some animals interact with each other. You may choose to read the introduction of this book and then page 12 about zebras and ostriches from the animals’ perspectives. Then, to begin this lesson with your students, read aloud part of the friendly facts from page 13 of Animal BFFs: Even Animals Have Best Friends! We’ve added a sentence that repeats information and doesn’t belong, but don’t tell your students. You’ll reveal the original version later.

ˮ

Zebras and ostriches graze together on the savanna for increased safety—both species benefit from the other’s heightened senses, so they can avoid danger (such as hungry lions) by sensing it quickly. Zebras and ostriches help each other to stay safe. There is safety in numbers—both zebras and ostriches are herd animals, which means they stay together in large groups. The more individuals looking out for danger, the better.

Prompt your students with, “Sometimes when we write, we include information that doesn’t really belong, or when we try to elaborate or add details, we repeat the same information in a different way. This can be confusing for our readers. Do you feel like there is some information that doesn’t belong or says the same thing—like it repeats information?”

ˮ

26

ˮ Revision Strategy Delete unnecessary or repetitive information.

Chapter 1:

27

Invitation to DELETE UNNECESSARY INFORMATION

Modeling

Display 5.1 Unnecessary Sentence: Part I, which includes each sentence from the model excerpt (and a repetitive sentence that needs to be deleted) numbered in order. For students who could benefit from physically manipulating them, you may choose to display the individual sentences on index cards or sentence strips—or even electronically. To invite the thinking that is involved in deleting unnecessary or repetitive information, share the Delete chart found on page 24 with your students. You may choose to have your students glue this chart into their notebooks for future reference. Invite your students to pay close attention to the bottom half of the chart: Deleting at the Paragraph Level. Then return to the excerpt from Animal BFFs: Even Animals Have Best Friends! and ask, “What is this paragraph mostly about?” Guide your students through a discussion about choosing which sentence doesn’t really belong and why. “Something is off in this paragraph. Let’s check each sentence, one by one, to see if each sentence says something different about zebras and ostriches.” Think aloud while modeling how to reread, taking out a different sentence each time and talking the change through to examine its effect on meaning. Students will likely notice that some of the information is repeated. Students talk it out for each sentence using the following questions to prompt the conversation: • How would deleting this sentence affect the meaning? WHY? • Do we need this sentence? WHY or WHY NOT? Through discussion, students may share that sentence #2 should stay. Keep in mind that it’s not about right or wrong, but rather what is most Unnecessary Sentence: Part I effective. Continue asking questions using the 1. Zebras and ostriches graze together on the savanna for prompts to help students consider how, although increased safety—both species benefit from the other’s heightened senses, so they can avoid danger (such as it may be a good topic sentence, it repeats the hungry lions) by sensing it quickly. information in both sentences #1 and #3. It’s not necessary. Using 2. Zebras and ostriches help each other to stay safe. the display page 5.1 Unnecessary Unnecessary Sentence: Part II Sentence: Part II, reveal the 3. There is safety in numbers—both zebras and ostriches are herd animals, which means they stay together in large groups. original excerpt from Animal BFFs: Even Animals Have Best Friends! and 4. The more individuals looking out for danger, the better. compare how the different version affects meaning. 30

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.1

Chapter 1: Invitation to DELETE UNNECESSARY INFORMATION

5.1

The paragraph below is Sophie Corrigan’s original version from Animal BFFs: Even Animals Have Best Friends!:

Zebras and ostriches graze together on the savanna for increased safety—both species benefit from the other’s heightened senses, so they can avoid danger (such as hungry lions) by sensing it quickly. There is safety in numbers—both zebras and ostriches are herd animals, which means they stay together in large groups. The more individuals looking out for danger, the better.

Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect • Why did you choose to remove the sentence you did?

• Why did you choose to keep the sentences you did?

• How does each sentence tie back to the big idea?

• If another of these sentences was deleted, how would it change the paragraph?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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28

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Collaborating Through Conversation

Organize students into pairs or small groups. Display 5.1 Invitation to Delete: Part I. You may choose to prepare the sentences for your students to manipulate on sentence strips, index cards, or electronically. Students collaborate through conversation to delete the unnecessary sentence from another paragraph from page 13 of Animal BFFs: Even Animals Have Best Friends! To help students talk it out, remind them to explore how each sentence supports or ties into the message of the paragraph and to look for information that may be repeated. By justifying their thinking, students take ownership of their decisions to delete or keep information. When ready, students compare their deletion choice with others in class, talking through their decisions together. The point here is for them to discuss WHY they made the choice. Display the author’s original text using 5.1 Invitation to Delete: Part II for comparative analysis. Refer to the reflective questions to facilitate a conversation about meaning and effect.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.1

Invitation to Delete: Part I

Chapter 1: Invitation to DELETE UNNECESSARY INFORMATION

In the following excerpt from page 13 of Sophie Corrigan’s s Animal BFFs: Even Animals Have Best Friends!, readers learn more about zebras and ostriches.

5.1

Invitation to Delete: Part I (continued)

• Read the paragraph first. What is it mostly about?

• Talk it out as you decide which sentence provides unnecessary or repetitive information and remove it. Try more than one option.

1. The zebra has large ears, and the ostrich has large eyes.

34to see if itPatterns • When you finish, read the passage aloud to your group now of Revision: Grade 5 flows smoothly. 5.1

• Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class.

Invitation to Delete: Part II

• Compare your version with the author’s original text.

2. Zebras’ ears are larger and rounder than horses’ ears, and they can also turn in almost every direction.

Original Text from Animal BFFs: Even Animals Have Best Friends! The paragraph below shows Sophie Corrigan’s choices as a writer in Animal BFFs: Even Animals Have Best Friends!:

3. The ostrich, on the other hand, has the largest eye of any land mammal on Earth! Zebras’ ears are larger and rounder than horses’ ears, and they can also turn in almost every direction. The ostrich, on the other hand, has the largest eye of any land mammal on Earth! Each eye measures 2 inches across, which is bigger than the ostrich’s brain!

Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect • Why did you choose to remove the sentence you did?

• Why did you choose to keep the sentences you did?

• How does each sentence tie back to the big idea?

• If another sentence was deleted, how would it change the paragraph?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

4. Each eye measures 2 inches across, which is bigger than the ostrich’s brain!

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Chapter 1: Invitation to DELETE UNNECESSARY INFORMATION

29

Applying Revision

To set your students up for applying this revision strategy in their own writing, you may choose to return to a piece of writing from your own notebook, or a class piece that you’ve been working on, and engage your students in a live demonstration of searching for information that is either repeated or simply does not belong. Model how to look at one sentence at a time and elicit support from your students as you make decisions about deleting. This modeling with student input will reinforce the idea that these revision strategies apply to all writers and can strengthen all writing. Students then return to their own writing (either drafts on the computer or in their writer’s notebooks) and play with deleting unnecessary or repetitive information while gauging the effects of such removals (Figure 5.1). To help them focus, encourage writers to choose one section or paragraph to revise at a time. Some students may find it helpful to write each sentence on a strip of paper so they can physically manipulate their writing, deciding if each sentence connects to the meaning of the piece. It may help students to talk it out with a partner or in their heads as they consider information that is needed and not needed. Some students may decide nothing needs to be deleted. In this case, encourage them to move on to other sections of their pieces and continue the process. You can also invite them to consider repetitive words. Invite them to circle words they notice they are using often so they can see the possibilities for deletion. Writers have options. Figure 5.1 This writer found information that was repetitive or unnecessary in her paragraph about dogs.

Sharing Results

Writers share their revisions with others and celebrate their work by naming how their revisions will help their readers understand their writing more clearly. Some students may have chosen to delete a few words or phrases while others deleted entire sentences or even paragraphs. Provide positive feedback by pointing out—or inviting them to point out—how their revisions help the reader.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.1

Unnecessary Sentence: Part I

1.  Z  ebras and ostriches graze together on the savanna for increased safety—both species benefit from the other’s heightened senses, so they can avoid danger (such as hungry lions) by sensing it quickly.

2.  Zebras and ostriches help each other to stay safe.

There is safety in numbers—both zebras and ostriches 3.  are herd animals, which means they stay together in large groups.

4.  The more individuals looking out for danger, the better.

Chapter 1:

Invitation to DELETE UNNECESSARY INFORMATION

5.1

Unnecessary Sentence: Part II The paragraph below is Sophie Corrigan’s original version from Animal BFFs: Even Animals Have Best Friends!:

Zebras and ostriches graze together on the savanna for increased safety—both species benefit from the other’s heightened senses, so they can avoid danger (such as hungry lions) by sensing it quickly. There is safety in numbers—both zebras and ostriches are herd animals, which means they stay together in large groups. The more individuals looking out for danger, the better.

Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect • Why did you choose to remove the sentence you did?

• Why did you choose to keep the sentences you did?

• How does each sentence tie back to the big idea?

• If another of these sentences was deleted, how would it change the paragraph?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.1

Invitation to Delete: Part I In the following excerpt from page 13 of Sophie Corrigan’s s Animal BFFs: Even Animals Have Best Friends!, readers learn more about zebras and ostriches.

• Read the paragraph first. What is it mostly about?

• Talk it out as you decide which sentence provides unnecessary or repetitive information and remove it. Try more than one option.

• When you finish, read the passage aloud to your group to see if it now flows smoothly.

• Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class.

• Compare your version with the author’s original text.

Chapter 1: Invitation to DELETE UNNECESSARY INFORMATION 5.1

Invitation to Delete: Part I (continued)

1.  The zebra has large ears, and the ostrich has large eyes.

2. Zebras’ ears are larger and rounder than horses’ ears, and they can also turn in almost every direction.

3. The ostrich, on the other hand, has the largest eye of any land mammal on Earth!

4.  Each eye measures 2 inches across, which is bigger than the ostrich’s brain!

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.1

Invitation to Delete: Part II Original Text from Animal BFFs: Even Animals Have Best Friends! The paragraph below shows Sophie Corrigan’s choices as a writer in Animal BFFs: Even Animals Have Best Friends!:

Zebras’ ears are larger and rounder than horses’ ears, and they can also turn in almost every direction. The ostrich, on the other hand, has the largest eye of any land mammal on Earth! Each eye measures 2 inches across, which is bigger than the ostrich’s brain!

Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect • Why did you choose to remove the sentence you did?

• Why did you choose to keep the sentences you did?

• How does each sentence tie back to the big idea?

• If another sentence was deleted, how would it change the paragraph?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Chapter 1: Invitation to DELETE UNNECESSARY INFORMATION

5.2 It’s Not About THAT:

Delete Unneeded Information

Lesson Overview Revision goal connected to standards: Develop and strengthen writing by deleting unnecessary information that obscures meaning.

Model Text Don’t Sit on the Baby: The Ultimate Guide to Sane, Skilled, and Safe Babysitting, second edition – Written by Halley Bondy

Teacher Considerations In this lesson, we cue writers to identify places in their writing that may include distracting information. As in Lesson 5.1, to help them gain confidence in deleting information that doesn’t belong, we invite writers to approach revision with conversations and thinking around meaning and effect, instead of what’s right and what’s wrong. We chose to use Halley Bondy’s hilarious, yet informative, Don’t Sit on the Baby for this lesson because of the strong voice used to craft this expository text. When young writers work to add voice to their informational writing, they sometimes choose to add information that really isn’t necessary. We use this lesson to help them discover what is necessary and what can be distracting.

Halley Bondy uses verbs of being in the excerpt we chose for the modeling of this revision lesson, and she uses action verbs in the excerpt we chose for collaborative conversation. Although the focus of this revision lesson is not on verbs, you may choose to partner these excerpts with a study of when to use verbs of being and when to use action verbs in Patterns of Power Lessons 6.1 and 6.2.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Setting the Context

Halley Bondy explains all there is to know about babysitting and provides tips for becoming a successful babysitter in Don’t Sit on the Baby: The Ultimate Guide to Sane, Skilled, and Safe Babysitting. To set the context, we start reading from the beginning. Shh. We’ve added a sentence that doesn’t belong, but don’t tell your students that. You’ll reveal the original version later, found on page 8 of Don’t Sit on the Baby.

Babysitting is a misleading job title. According to our friends at Merriam-Webster, babysitting has nothing to do with sitting on babies. A babysitter is hired to care for children when parents are not home. There are several types of babysitting jobs, and each comes with its own set of hours and responsibilities. Babysitting is one of the most popular gigs for teens around. And you can find potential clients in your family, through friends, and in your neighborhood. If you have younger siblings or cousins, you already have experience!

ˮ

Prompt your students with, “Sometimes when we write, we include information that doesn’t really belong. This information might belong somewhere else in a piece, but it doesn’t connect directly to the message of that specific part of the text. This can be confusing for our readers. Do you feel like there is some information that doesn’t belong in this paragraph?”

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36

Revision Strategy Delete unnecessary information.

Chapter 1:

37

Invitation to DELETE UNNECESSARY INFORMATION

Modeling

Display 5.2 Unnecessary Sentence: Part I, which includes each sentence from the model excerpt (and an unnecessary sentence that needs to be deleted) numbered in order. Displaying these individual sentences on index cards, on sentence strips, or electronically may help your students to physically manipulate them throughout this lesson. Referring to the Delete chart as needed, invite your students to consider the information shared in the excerpt from Don’t Sit on the Baby and ask, “What is this paragraph mostly about?” Guide your students through a discussion about choosing which sentence doesn’t really belong and why. “Something is off in this paragraph. Let’s check each sentence, one by one, to see how they connect to one another.” Think aloud while modeling how to reread, taking out a different sentence each time and talking the change through to examine its effect on meaning. Students will likely notice that the entire paragraph is about babysitting, but it’s not tightly connected because of one sentence. Keep the conversation going, inviting students to share their thinking and modeling that this is not about finding the correct answer. Students talk it out for each sentence using the following questions to prompt the conversation: • How would deleting this sentence affect the meaning? WHY? • Do we need this sentence? WHY or WHY NOT? Through discussion, students may decide that sentence #4 doesn’t belong. Keep in mind that it’s not about right or wrong, but rather what is most effective. Unnecessary Sentence: Part I Sentence #4 is not a bad sentence, and it could work in this paragraph if the following sentences weren’t present. Since this sentence moves into different types of babysitting jobs, it isn’t necessary in this paragraph—though it might go somewhere else in the piece where the writer wants to introduce different types of babysitting jobs. Show students that extra information doesn’t need to be deleted forever. Many times, Unnecessary Sentence: Part II that extra information will lead nicely into another part of the piece or a paragraph that is added later. Using the display page 5.2 Unnecessary Sentence: Part II, reveal the original excerpt from Don’t Sit on the Baby and use the reflective questions to compare how the different versions affect meaning. 40

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.2

1. Babysitting is a misleading job title.

2. According to our friends at Merriam-Webster, babysitting has nothing to do with sitting on babies. 3. A babysitter is hired to care for children when parents are not home. 4. There are several types of babysitting jobs, and each comes with its own set of hours and responsibilities. 5. Babysitting is one of the most popular gigs for teens around.

Chapter 1: Invitation to DELETE UNNECESSARY 41 6. AndINFORMATION you can find potential clients in your family,

through friends, and in your neighborhood.

5.2

7. If you have younger siblings or cousins, you already have experience!

The paragraph below is Halley Bondy’s original version from Don’t Sit on the Baby:

Babysitting is a misleading job title. According to our friends at Merriam-Webster, babysitting has nothing to do with sitting on babies. A babysitter is hired to care for children when parents are not home. Babysitting is one of the most popular gigs for teens around. And you can find potential clients in your family, through friends, and in your neighborhood. If you have younger siblings or cousins, you already have experience!

Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect

• Why did you choose to remove the sentence you did?

• Why did you choose to keep the sentences you did?

• How does each sentence tie back to the big idea?

• If another of these sentences were deleted, how would it change the paragraph?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

38

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Collaborating Through Conversation

Organize students into pairs or small groups. Display 5.2 Invitation to Delete: Part I. Students collaborate through conversation to delete the unnecessary sentence from another paragraph about babysitting. To help students talk it out, remind them to explore how each sentence tightly connects to the message of the paragraph. By justifying their thinking, students take ownership of their decisions to delete or keep information.. When ready, students compare their deletion choice with others in class, talking through their decisions together. The point here is for them to discuss WHY they made the choice. Display the author’s original text using 5.2 Invitation to Delete: Part II for comparative analysis. Refer to the reflective questions to facilitate a conversation about meaning and effect.

42

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.2

Invitation to Delete: Part I

Chapter 1: Invitation to DELETE UNNECESSARY INFORMATION

In the following excerpt from Halley Bondy’s Don’t Sit on the Baby, Halley shares more information about babysitting with her readers.

• Read the paragraph first. What is it mostly about?

• Talk it out as you decide which sentence provides unnecessary information and remove it. Try more than one option.

5.2

Invitation to Delete: Part I (continued) 1. You may have heard that babysitting is easy and that anyone can do it, but that’s a myth—babysitting is hard work. 2. Kids fall down.

• When you finish, read the passage aloud to your group to see if it now flows smoothly.

3. Kitchens catch fire. • Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class.

• Compare your version with the author’s original text.

4. One time, I couldn’t find a child for a whole hour. 44

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5. Parents come home three hours later than they said they would.

5.2

Invitation to Delete: Part II Original Text from Don’t Sit on the Baby

6. And sometimes, no matter how much you do to keep the kids happy, they just won’t stop freaking out.

The paragraph below shows Halley Bondy’s choices as a writer in Don’t Sit on the Baby:

7. How can you do your very best to have fun, keep the peace, and stay calm? You may have heard that babysitting is easy and that anyone can do it, but that’s a myth—babysitting is hard work. Kids fall down. Kitchens catch fire. Parents come home three hours later than they said they would. And sometimes, no matter how much you do to keep the kids happy, they just won’t stop freaking out. How can you do your very best to have fun, keep the peace, and stay calm?

Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect • Why did you choose to remove the sentence you did? • Why did you choose to keep the sentences you did? • How does each sentence tie back to the big idea? • If another of these sentences were deleted, how would it change the paragraph?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

43

Chapter 1: Invitation to DELETE UNNECESSARY INFORMATION

39

Applying Revision

Students return to their own writing or their writer’s notebooks and play with deleting unnecessary information while gauging the effects of such removals (Figure 5.2). To help them focus, encourage writers to choose one section or paragraph to revise at a time. Some students may find it helpful to write each sentence on a strip of paper so they can physically manipulate their writing, deciding if each sentence connects to the meaning of the piece. It may help students to talk it out with a partner or in their heads as they consider information that is needed and not needed. Some writers may decide nothing needs to be deleted. In this case, encourage them to move on to other sections of their pieces and continue the process. You can also invite them to consider repetitive words, phrases, or sentences. Writers have options. Figure 5.2 Fifth graders help each other to determine possible extra information that could be deleted from their papers.

Sharing Results

Invite students to move around the room while sharing their revisions with others. You may decide to play some school-appropriate music to get them up and moving, pausing the music for students to stop, share, and celebrate their work by naming how their revisions will help their readers understand their writing more clearly.

40

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.2

Unnecessary Sentence: Part I

1. Babysitting is a misleading job title.

2.  According to our friends at Merriam-Webster, babysitting has nothing to do with sitting on babies. A babysitter is hired to care for children when parents 3.  are not home. 4.  There are several types of babysitting jobs, and each comes with its own set of hours and responsibilities.  abysitting is one of the most popular gigs for 5.  B teens around. 6.  A  nd you can find potential clients in your family, through friends, and in your neighborhood. 7.  I f you have younger siblings or cousins, you already have experience!

Chapter 1: Invitation to DELETE UNNECESSARY INFORMATION

5.2

Unnecessary Sentence: Part II The paragraph below is Halley Bondy’s original version from Don’t Sit on the Baby:

Babysitting is a misleading job title. According to our friends at Merriam-Webster, babysitting has nothing to do with sitting on babies. A babysitter is hired to care for children when parents are not home. Babysitting is one of the most popular gigs for teens around. And you can find potential clients in your family, through friends, and in your neighborhood. If you have younger siblings or cousins, you already have experience!

Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect • Why did you choose to remove the sentence you did?

• Why did you choose to keep the sentences you did?

• How does each sentence tie back to the big idea?

• If another of these sentences were deleted, how would it change the paragraph?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

41

42

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.2

Invitation to Delete: Part I In the following excerpt from Halley Bondy’s Don’t Sit on the Baby, Halley shares more information about babysitting with her readers.

• Read the paragraph first. What is it mostly about?

• Talk it out as you decide which sentence provides unnecessary information and remove it. Try more than one option.

• When you finish, read the passage aloud to your group to see if it now flows smoothly.

• Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class.

• Compare your version with the author’s original text.

Chapter 1: Invitation to DELETE UNNECESSARY INFORMATION 5.2

Invitation to Delete: Part I (continued) 1. You may have heard that babysitting is easy and that anyone can do it, but that’s a myth—babysitting is hard work. 2.  Kids fall down.

Kitchens catch fire. 3. 

4.  One time, I couldn’t find a child for a whole hour.

 arents come home three hours later than they said 5.  P they would. 6.  A  nd sometimes, no matter how much you do to keep the kids happy, they just won’t stop freaking out.  ow can you do your very best to have fun, keep the 7.  H peace, and stay calm?

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.2

Invitation to Delete: Part II Original Text from Don’t Sit on the Baby The paragraph below shows Halley Bondy’s choices as a writer in Don’t Sit on the Baby:

You may have heard that babysitting is easy and that anyone can do it, but that’s a myth—babysitting is hard work. Kids fall down. Kitchens catch fire. Parents come home three hours later than they said they would. And sometimes, no matter how much you do to keep the kids happy, they just won’t stop freaking out. How can you do your very best to have fun, keep the peace, and stay calm?

Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect • Why did you choose to remove the sentence you did? • Why did you choose to keep the sentences you did? • How does each sentence tie back to the big idea? • If another of these sentences were deleted, how would it change the paragraph?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Chapter 1: Invitation to DELETE UNNECESSARY INFORMATION

5.3 S entence Smashers: Eliminating Sentences That Don’t Belong

Lesson Overview Revision goal connected to standards: Develop and strengthen writing by deleting unnecessary information that obscures meaning.

Model Text History Smashers: The American Revolution – Written by Kate Messner

Teacher Considerations With this lesson, we use an expository text about the American Revolution from Kate Messner’s History Smashers series. We choose to use the short excerpt, beginning on page 137, about Lydia Barrington Darragh, who was a spy in Philadelphia in 1777. As with the previous two lessons, we engage students in conversations about meaning and effect as they think about what information belongs and what information could be deleted. Additionally, we use this lesson to show writers that when we delete, it doesn’t mean the information is going away forever. It often doesn’t belong in that place, but it could go somewhere else. We tell writers to simply cross through unnecessary information in their own pieces, as opposed to fully erasing or blacking the information out. This way, they can refer back to it later in the piece, or in another piece, to see if there is a better place for it.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Setting the Context

To set the context, read aloud the excerpt of Kate Messner’s History Smashers: The American Revolution in which the British troops have occupied Philadelphia and are using Lydia Darragh’s house for their strategy meetings. Shh. We’ve added a sentence that doesn’t belong, but don’t tell your students that. You’ll reveal the original version later.

Early that December, the British officers told Darragh they had an especially important meeting and there could be no interruptions. When British officers met to talk strategy, Lydia Darragh listened in on their conversations. They told her to stay in her bedroom. But instead, she snuck into a storage closet near the parlor to eavesdrop. There, she learned that British forces were planning to attack Continental troops camped northwest of Philadelphia.

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46

Prompt your students with, “Sometimes when we write, we include information that doesn’t really belong in that place. This can be confusing for our readers. Let’s take a look and see what information in this paragraph may not belong here, in this place.”

Revision Strategy Delete unnecessary or unneeded information.

Chapter 1:

47

Invitation to DELETE UNNECESSARY INFORMATION

Modeling

Display 5.3 Unnecessary Sentence: Part I, which includes each sentence from the mentor excerpt (as well as an unnecessary sentence that needs to be deleted) numbered in order on strips. You may choose to write these sentences on sentence strips, on index cards, or electronically for physical manipulation during the lesson. To spark some thinking around deleting unnecessary information, ask students, “What is this paragraph mostly about?” Then share with your students that one sentence in this paragraph does not support this event described. “Something is off in this paragraph. Let’s check each sentence, one by one, to see if it ties back to the event described in this paragraph.” Think aloud while modeling how to reread, taking out a different sentence each time and talking the change through to examine its effect on meaning. Students talk it out for each sentence using the following questions to prompt the conversation: • How would deleting this sentence affect the meaning? WHY? • Do we need this sentence? WHY or WHY NOT? Through discussion, students determine that sentence #2 doesn’t belong because it provided additional information that really isn’t necessary to the event happening in the paragraph. It could possibly go somewhere else in the book, but not here. Display the original excerpt from History Smashers: The American Revolution using 5.3 Unnecessary Sentence: Part II, and compare how the different version affects meaning.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.3

Unnecessary Sentence: Part I Chapter 1: Invitation to DELETE UNNECESSARY INFORMATION

1. Early that December, the British officers told Darragh they had an especially important meeting and there could be no interruptions.

5.3

Unnecessary Sentence: Part II The paragraph below is Kate Messner’s original version from History Smasher: The American Revolution:

2. When British officers met to talk strategy, Lydia Darragh listened in on their conversations.

3. They told her to stay in her bedroom.

4. But instead, she snuck into a storage closet near the parlor to eavesdrop.

Early that December, the British officers told Darragh they had an especially important meeting and there could be no interruptions. They told her to stay in her bedroom. But instead, she snuck into a storage closet near the parlor to eavesdrop. There, she learned that British forces were planning to attack Continental troops camped northwest of Philadelphia.

Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect • Why did you choose to remove the sentence you did?

5. There, she learned that British forces were planning to attack Continental troops camped northwest of Philadelphia.

• Why did you choose to keep the sentences you did? • How does each sentence address the question or tie back to the big idea? • If another one of these sentences was deleted, how would it change the paragraph?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Collaborating Through Conversation

Display 5.3 Invitation to Delete: Part I. In pairs or small groups, students follow the directions provided and collaborate through conversation to delete the unnecessary sentence. To help students talk it out, remind them to explore how each sentence should support the event described in the paragraph. By justifying their thinking, students take ownership of their decision to delete. When ready, students compare their deletion choices with others in class, talking through their decisions together (Figure 5.3). The point here is for them to discuss WHY they made the choice. Share the author’s original text by displaying 5.3 Invitation to Delete: Part II for comparative analysis, using the reflective questions provided to facilitate a conversation about meaning and effect.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5 Chapter 1: Invitation to DELETE UNNECESSARY INFORMATION

5.3

Invitation to Delete: Part I 5.3

In the following excerpt from History Smashers: The American Revolution, Kate Messner continues to tell what happens next when Lydia Darragh overhears the British officers’ plans.

Invitation to Delete: Part I (continued)

• Read the paragraph first. What is it mostly about?

1. Darragh knew she had to tell someone, so she asked for a pass to leave the city to buy flour.

• Talk it out as you decide which sentence provides unnecessary information and remove it. Patterns of Revision: Grade 5 54

2. She went alone and didn’t even tell her husband where she was going.

• When you finish, read the passage aloud to your group to see if it now 5.3 flows smoothly.

Invitation to Delete: Part II

Original Text from History Smashers: The American Revolution • Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class. The paragraph below shows Kate Messner’s choice as a writer in History Smashers: The American Revolution: • Compare your version with the author’s original text.

Darragh knew she had to tell someone, so she asked for a pass to leave the city to buy flour. She went alone and didn’t even tell her husband where she was going. After she dropped off her flour sack to be filled, she went out to find an American patrol and pass along her news, which made it to General Washington. When the British attacked, they found Washington’s troops dug in and ready to fight. After some skirmishes, the British decided to call it a day and went back to Philadelphia.

Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect • Why did you choose to remove the sentence you did? • Why did you choose to keep the sentences you did? • How does each sentence address the question or tie back to the big idea? • If another one of these sentences was deleted, how would it change the paragraph?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

3. After she dropped off her flour sack to be filled, she went out to find an American patrol and pass along her news, which made it to General Washington. 4. When British troops occupied Philadelphia in 1777, they took over a bunch of homes, including the one where Lydia Barrington Darragh lived with her family. 5. When the British attacked, they found Washington’s troops dug in and ready to fight.

6. After some skirmishes, the British decided to call it a day and went back to Philadelphia.

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Chapter 1: Invitation to DELETE UNNECESSARY INFORMATION

49

Applying Revision

Students return to their own writing or their writer’s notebooks and play with deleting unnecessary information and noticing the effect of the removal. If students are writing to a prompt, invite them to check each sentence in their entire piece to ensure that each one supports what the prompt is asking of them. Or, if working on another piece that’s not prompt driven, students may choose one section or paragraph to revise at a time. It often helps to talk things out with a partner when revising a piece of writing, so invite your writers to self-select into learning pairs if they think it would be helpful. Figure 5.3 Students talk it out as they decide which sentence doesn’t belong in the paragraph.

Sharing Results

Share and celebrate the revision writers did in this lesson. Some may have chosen to delete a few words or phrases while others deleted entire sentences or even paragraphs. Choose one or two students to share their revised selections with the class, naming how the writer effectively used the revision strategy: Delete unnecessary information.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.3

Unnecessary Sentence: Part I

1. Early that December, the British officers told Darragh they had an especially important meeting and there could be no interruptions.

2.  When British officers met to talk strategy, Lydia Darragh listened in on their conversations.

3.  They told her to stay in her bedroom.

4.  But instead, she snuck into a storage closet near the parlor to eavesdrop.

 here, she learned that British forces were planning 5.  T to attack Continental troops camped northwest of Philadelphia.

Chapter 1:

Invitation to DELETE UNNECESSARY INFORMATION

5.3

Unnecessary Sentence: Part II The paragraph below is Kate Messner’s original version from History Smasher: The American Revolution:

Early that December, the British officers told Darragh they had an especially important meeting and there could be no interruptions. They told her to stay in her bedroom. But instead, she snuck into a storage closet near the parlor to eavesdrop. There, she learned that British forces were planning to attack Continental troops camped northwest of Philadelphia.

Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect • Why did you choose to remove the sentence you did? • Why did you choose to keep the sentences you did? • How does each sentence address the question or tie back to the big idea? • If another one of these sentences was deleted, how would it change the paragraph?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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5.3

Invitation to Delete: Part I In the following excerpt from History Smashers: The American Revolution, Kate Messner continues to tell what happens next when Lydia Darragh overhears the British officers’ plans.

• Read the paragraph first. What is it mostly about?

• Talk it out as you decide which sentence provides unnecessary information and remove it.

• When you finish, read the passage aloud to your group to see if it now flows smoothly.

• Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class.

• Compare your version with the author’s original text.

Chapter 1: Invitation to DELETE UNNECESSARY INFORMATION 5.3

Invitation to Delete: Part I (continued)

1. Darragh knew she had to tell someone, so she asked for a pass to leave the city to buy flour.

2.  S  he went alone and didn’t even tell her husband where she was going. 3. After she dropped off her flour sack to be filled, she went out to find an American patrol and pass along her news, which made it to General Washington. 4.  When British troops occupied Philadelphia in 1777, they took over a bunch of homes, including the one where Lydia Barrington Darragh lived with her family. 5.  W  hen the British attacked, they found Washington’s troops dug in and ready to fight.

6.  A  fter some skirmishes, the British decided to call it a day and went back to Philadelphia.

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5.3

Invitation to Delete: Part II Original Text from History Smashers: The American Revolution The paragraph below shows Kate Messner’s choice as a writer in History Smashers: The American Revolution:

Darragh knew she had to tell someone, so she asked for a pass to leave the city to buy flour. She went alone and didn’t even tell her husband where she was going. After she dropped off her flour sack to be filled, she went out to find an American patrol and pass along her news, which made it to General Washington. When the British attacked, they found Washington’s troops dug in and ready to fight. After some skirmishes, the British decided to call it a day and went back to Philadelphia.

Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect • Why did you choose to remove the sentence you did? • Why did you choose to keep the sentences you did? • How does each sentence address the question or tie back to the big idea? • If another one of these sentences was deleted, how would it change the paragraph?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

2

Invitation to REARRANGE

I rearrange a sentence many times. . . . For me, the . . . process feels like a form of play, like a puzzle that needs solving, and it’s one of the most satisfying parts of writing.

I



– Karen Thompson Walker

nterior designers move furniture and decorations around again and again. They continue adjusting until everything is in just the right place. Writers do this design work as well. We can move words around. We can move phrases around. We can move sentences around. We can even move entire paragraphs around. Meaning and emphasis can change as we rearrange words: a shower of meteors vs. a meteor shower

Since rearranging can often cause us to make meaning-driven additions and deletions, you’ll see your writers calling on strategies they’ve learned in previous lessons—and dabbling with a few they’ll study in future lessons—as they tease out possibilities across this lesson set. Notice how rearranging the preceding example caused us to delete the word of, which didn’t really change the meaning—but did create a slightly different effect. This is a natural part of rearranging that occurs organically in the discussions you’ll have with your writers. We can move phrases and clauses, too, listening for the most effective options. When I was little, I ate SpaghettiOs. vs. I ate SpaghettiOs when I was little. Rearranging opens new possibilities and encourages revisers to play and experiment. Orally talking out arrangement choices and shuffling sequences can bring order out of chaos. Keep it light, keep it playful, and emphasize rearranging is about stretching. If you aren’t trying out things and discovering they don’t work, you’re likely not playing with the words or the order enough. All the lessons in this chapter follow the same format. We share a paragraph with sentences arranged in an illogical or mixed-up order and then ask students to rearrange them in a way that makes sense. First we try it out together, then writers try out a different paragraph in small groups or with partners. We conclude each lesson by inviting students to go back to their own writing to consider how they have arranged their ideas and revise in places in which doing so would make their piece more effective. Even if they choose not to keep their revisions, we still encourage them to try out a few versions, because we count it as a win any time we can spur students into revising multiple times, testing out and stretching with possibilities. The Rearrange chart on page 56 can be used as a reference throughout the lessons and beyond. Students may keep a copy in their writing folder, glue a copy into their writing notebook, or access a copy hanging in your classroom.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

REARRANGE DELETE

Rearranging at the Sentence Level Rearranging Words in a Sentence

REARRANGE

The cat played with the ball of yarn gently.

to

The cat gently played with the ball of yarn.

Also, Travis plays basketball.

to

Travis also plays basketball.

ADD

Rearranging Phrases in a Sentence Writers can take a phrase and move it to the beginning, in the middle, or at the end of the sentence. You might have to rearrange, add, or delete words or punctuation when you do this.

FORM

TALK

Phrases that show when

In the meantime, Jeff read a book. Jeff read a book in the meantime.

Phrases that show where

The parade lasted forever on the TV. The parade on the TV lasted forever.

Phrases that show action

Whitney was walking the dogs and saw a cat. While walking the dogs, Whitney saw a cat.

Rearranging Parts of Compound or Complex Sentences Rearranging a compound sentence

At recess, I went down the slide, and I played with my friends. I played with my friends, and I went down the slide at recess.

Rearranging a complex sentence

While Summer played basketball at recess, Josie twirled on the monkey bars. Josie twirled on the monkey bars while Summer played basketball at recess.

Rearranging at the Paragraph Level Writers can also look at each of the sentences in a paragraph to ensure they are ordered in a way that makes the most sense. Not sure if your sentences are in the best order? Try one of these ideas out:

Break it up!

Break the sentences in your paragraph apart and look at each one separately. Ask yourself if putting them in another order makes sense. If your original order makes the most sense to you, ask yourself why that is. Imagine you had to defend this order of sentences to a classmate or your teacher. What would you say? Talk yourself through why this order makes the most sense. If you notice moving one or more sentences around sounds better, you have the power to do it!

Find a friend

Get a friend or classmate to look at the sentences in one of your paragraphs separated out into individual sentences. Have them put the sentences back together in the order that makes sense to them. Then, have a discussion about why they chose the order they did. If their order is different from your original, you can either talk to your friend/classmate about why you chose a different order, or you can rearrange your sentences to this new order.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Chapter 2:

Invitation to REARRANGE

5.4 O rder Gives Your Readers Oxygen Lesson Overview Revision goal connected to standards: Develop and strengthen writing by rearranging ideas to ensure a logical progression.

Model Text Born to Fly: The First Women’s Air Race Across America – Written by Steve Sheinkin – Illustrated by Bijou Karman

Teacher Considerations A major goal for our young writers is to compose pieces that are clear and tightly connected with logically ordered ideas, sentences, and paragraphs. Share the Rearrange chart on page 56 with your students. You may decide to have them glue it into their notebooks for future reference. In this revision lesson, we focus on coherence as we invite writers to consider places in their writing that may seem disconnected or illogical. In Born to Fly, Steve Sheinkin uses logically ordered elaborative details to tell the incredible true stories of four fearless female pilots: Amelia Earhart, Marvel Crosson, Louise Thaden, and Elinor Smith. As readers, we visualize. As writers, we want to provide information in an order that helps our readers picture how things unfold. This lesson provides opportunities for our students to do this work as both readers and writers. This lesson begins with the teacher reading an excerpt from the book. We then take part of that excerpt, present it out of order, and invite students to organize it in ways that makes sense through conversations about meaning and effect. We especially encourage them to take time to visualize the text and discuss how sentence placement impacts mental images and logical order. .

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Setting the Context

You may decide to read part of this book aloud to your students, or you can share what the book is about and explain that today, we will learn more about Louise Thaden as she attempts to take her plane higher in the air than any previous pilot. To set a context for this lesson, read aloud the following excerpt from page 68.

She kept climbing, pulling back on the stick, engine roaring as the plane struggled to generate lift in the thin air. At twenty thousand feet, the temperature was minus twenty. The moisture in her breath condensed, dripped down her chin, and froze in icy streaks. She felt fine, though, and the view was spectacular. Oakland airport was a postage stamp. San Francisco Bay was a puddle. She opened the oxygen valve another fraction of an inch. “Come on, baby,” she shouted to her plane. “Just a hundred feet more! You can do it—just a hundred—” That’s when she passed out.

ˮ

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Revision Strategy Rearrange and order ideas logically for coherence.

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Chapter 2: Invitation to REARRANGE

59

Modeling

Lift the sentences from 5.4 Modeled Sentence Shuffle: Part I and display them (e.g., on sentence strips, on index cards, or electronically) face up in no particular order for all students to see. Invite students to consider the order of the sentences. “These sentences from part of the read-aloud are out of order.” Think aloud as you model ordering the sentences in three different ways, stopping to discuss each order: “Does this make sense? Why or why not? How are things more or less effective this way?” When the students feel like the order they chose is logical, revisit Steve Sheinkin’s original version on the display page 5.4 Modeled Sentence Shuffle: Part II, comparing the author’s order to that of the class, and discussing WHY they likely chose this order. It’s important to note that this is not about finding the exact same order the author chose. The order the class chose may also be logical. Use this compare and contrast conversation to reinforce that writers have options. You may choose to use the reflective questions as a guide: • Why do you think Steve put the sentences in this order? • Is there another order that would be effective? • Why do you think our order was different from or the same as Steve’s?

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.4

Modeled Sentence Shuffle: Part I

She felt fine, though, and the view was spectacular.

Chapter 2: Invitation to REARRANGE

5.4

Modeled Sentence Shuffle: Part II Below are the sentences from Steve Sheinkin’s Born to Fly: The First Women’s Air Race Across America arranged in the order he chose:

At twenty thousand feet, the temperature was minus twenty. At twenty thousand feet, the temperature was minus twenty. The moisture in her breath condensed, dripped down her chin, and froze in icy streaks. She felt fine, though, and the view was spectacular.

The moisture in her breath condensed, dripped down her chin, and froze in icy streaks.

Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author put the sentences in this order?

• Is there another order that would be effective?

• Why do you think our order was different from or the same as the author’s?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Collaborating Through Conversation

Distribute the sentences lifted from 5.4 Invitation to Rearrange: Part I (e.g., on sentence strips, on index cards, or electronically). In pairs or small groups, students collaborate through conversation to order the sentences in a way that makes sense and helps the reader visualize the action. When ready, students compare their order with others in class, sharing their thought processes. Afterward, display 5.4 Invitation to Rearrange: Part II to share Steve Sheinkin’s original text for comparative analysis. Use the reflective questions provided to facilitate a conversation about meaning and effect.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5 Chapter 2: Invitation to REARRANGE

5.4

Invitation to Rearrange: Part I 5.4

In Born to Fly: The First Women’s Air Race Across America, Steve Sheinkin writes about Louise Thaden, one of the first female pilots who tried to reach new heights in her plane. The following excerpt occurs just after she tries to set a record height and passes out from lack of oxygen.

Invitation to Rearrange: Part I (continued)

A painful screech rang inside her head. • Work with your partner or group to arrange sentences in an order that makes sense.

She gripped the stick with numb and clumsy fingers and pulled out of the dive. • When you finish, read the passage aloud together to see if the order works.

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

66

The altimeter was blurry at first, but she could see the needle unwinding, spinning fast.

• Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class. 5.4

Invitation to Rearrange: Part II • Compare your version with the author’s original text. Original Text from Born to Fly: The First Women’s Air Race Across America The excerpt below shows Steve Sheinkin’s choice for a coherent, logical order in Born to Fly: The First Women’s Air Race Across America:

Thaden’s plane tipped forward and went into a nosedive. Her eyes snapped open. A painful screech rang inside her head. The altimeter was blurry at first, but she could see the needle unwinding, spinning fast. Ripping off the ice-caked oxygen mask, she gulped cold air into her lungs. She gripped the stick with numb and clumsy fingers and pulled out of the dive.

Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author put the sentences in this order? • Is there another order that would be effective? • Why do you think our order was different from or the same as the author’s? • What words helped you think about order?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Ripping off the ice-caked oxygen mask, she gulped cold air into her lungs.

Her eyes snapped open.

Thaden’s plane tipped forward and went into a nosedive.

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Chapter 2:

Invitation to REARRANGE

61

Applying Revision

Prior to inviting students to apply the revision strategy from this lesson, you may choose to revise something from your own writing in a live demonstration, eliciting support from students. Teacher modeling that incorporates student input will reinforce the idea that revision strategies apply to all writers and can strengthen all writing. Students return to current or past drafts or their writer’s notebook and play with order, noticing effect and rearranging as needed (Figure 5.4). They may choose to focus on one section or paragraph at a time. Some writers may find that an entire paragraph needs to go to another place in the piece. It’s all about meaning, effect, and what makes the most sense. In this process, writers have options. They may choose to write the sentences from their chosen section on strips to rearrange. They may also decide to look at the piece as a whole, making sure it flows smoothly, asking a partner to help them. Remind them to use their Rearrange chart (page 56) as a guide. For narrative writing, invite students to act out their stories, checking to make sure they’ve included each detail in a logical order, or invite them to make a quick sketch to illustrate how they want their readers to visualize that part, like a page from a graphic novel. Then have them go back in their draft to see if that selection shows the order in a way that’s clear for their readers. Figure 5.4 This fifth-grade writer chose two different paragraphs in his piece to focus on rearranging for coherence.

Sharing Results

Students number off in groups of four. Choose a number to begin, like number 3. The student who is number 3 in each group shares their revisions with the others in their group, and then number 4 shares next, celebrating order and coherence in their writing. Continue until everyone has had a chance to share in their small groups.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.4

Modeled Sentence Shuffle: Part I

She felt fine, though, and the view was spectacular.

At twenty thousand feet, the temperature was minus twenty.

The moisture in her breath condensed, dripped down her chin, and froze in icy streaks.

Chapter 2: Invitation to REARRANGE

5.4

Modeled Sentence Shuffle: Part II Below are the sentences from Steve Sheinkin’s Born to Fly: The First Women’s Air Race Across America arranged in the order he chose:

At twenty thousand feet, the temperature was minus twenty. The moisture in her breath condensed, dripped down her chin, and froze in icy streaks. She felt fine, though, and the view was spectacular.

Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author put the sentences in this order?

• Is there another order that would be effective?

• Why do you think our order was different from or the same as the author’s?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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5.4

Invitation to Rearrange: Part I In Born to Fly: The First Women’s Air Race Across America, Steve Sheinkin writes about Louise Thaden, one of the first female pilots who tried to reach new heights in her plane. The following excerpt occurs just after she tries to set a record height and passes out from lack of oxygen.

• Work with your partner or group to arrange sentences in an order that makes sense.

• When you finish, read the passage aloud together to see if the order works.

• Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class.

• Compare your version with the author’s original text.

Chapter 2: Invitation to REARRANGE 5.4

Invitation to Rearrange: Part I (continued)

A painful screech rang inside her head.

She gripped the stick with numb and clumsy fingers and pulled out of the dive.

The altimeter was blurry at first, but she could see the needle unwinding, spinning fast.

Ripping off the ice-caked oxygen mask, she gulped cold air into her lungs.

Her eyes snapped open.

Thaden’s plane tipped forward and went into a nosedive.

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5.4

Invitation to Rearrange: Part II Original Text from Born to Fly: The First Women’s Air Race Across America The excerpt below shows Steve Sheinkin’s choice for a coherent, logical order in Born to Fly: The First Women’s Air Race Across America:

Thaden’s plane tipped forward and went into a nosedive. Her eyes snapped open. A painful screech rang inside her head. The altimeter was blurry at first, but she could see the needle unwinding, spinning fast. Ripping off the ice-caked oxygen mask, she gulped cold air into her lungs. She gripped the stick with numb and clumsy fingers and pulled out of the dive.

Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author put the sentences in this order? • Is there another order that would be effective? • Why do you think our order was different from or the same as the author’s? • What words helped you think about order?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Chapter 2: Invitation to REARRANGE

5.5 Racing to Rearrange Lesson Overview Revision goal connected to standards: Develop and strengthen writing by rearranging ideas to ensure a logical progression.

Model Text Becoming Muhammad Ali – Written by James Patterson and Kwame Alexander

Teacher Considerations In this lesson we focus on coherence as we invite writers to consider a logical progression of ideas. We love Becoming Muhammad Ali, a biographical novel written in both prose and verse by James Patterson and Kwame Alexander. We use a section written in prose for this lesson, but we encourage you to invite your students to study the arrangement of ideas in the sections in verse as well. As with other lessons in this chapter, we begin with the teacher reading an excerpt from the book. We then take part of that excerpt, present it out of order, and invite students to organize it in ways that make sense through conversations about meaning and effect. We invite students to think about how the ideas go together and to decide the most logical way to present the memories of Cassius Clay (Muhammad Ali) shared by the narrator.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Setting the Context

Becoming Muhammad Ali, is a book about Cassius Clay’s life prior to him changing his name to Muhammad Ali. The story is told from Cassius’s best friend Lucky’s point of view in prose and from Cassius’s point of view in verse. To set a context, explain this to your students. You may also choose to read the inside of the book jacket, sharing what the book is about. Then read aloud the following excerpt from pages 94 to 95, told from Lucky’s point of view:

ˮ

68

Back then, we all lived pretty close to Churchill Downs, where they hold the Kentucky Derby every year. It was one of the classiest and fanciest places in all of Louisville. Still is. It’s where the best and fastest horses in the world train. Cassius loved the horses— the way they looked, the way they moved, the proud and noble way they held their heads. But he wasn’t content to just watch them. He wanted to race them. So he would go out to the track in the morning, while the dew was still on the grass. When the trainers brought out the horses for their exercise, Cassius would run right alongside them. “They’re the only thing faster than me!” he’d say.

Revision Strategy

ˮ

Rearrange and order ideas logically for coherence.

Chapter 2: Invitation to REARRANGE

69

Modeling

Lift the sentences from 5.5 Modeled Sentence Shuffle: Part I and display them (e.g., on sentence strips, on index cards, or electronically) face up in no particular order for all students to see. Invite students to consider the order of the sentences. “These sentences are from part of the read-aloud, but they are out of order.” Think aloud as you model ordering the sentences in three different ways, stopping to discuss each order: “Does this make sense? Why or why not? How are things more or less effective in this order?” When the students feel like the order they chose is logical, revisit James Patterson and Kwame Alexander’s original version using the display page 5.5 Modeled Sentence Shuffle: Part II, comparing their order to that of the class, and discussing WHY they likely chose this order. It’s important to note that this is not about finding the exact same order the authors chose. The order the class chose may also be logical. Use this compare and contrast conversation to reinforce that writers have options. You may choose to use the reflective questions as a guide: • Why do you think James and Kwame put the sentences in this order? • Is there another order that would be effective? • Why do you think our order was different from or the same as James and Kwame’s?

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.5

Modeled Sentence Shuffle: Part I

Chapter 2: Invitation to REARRANGE

5.5

He wanted to race them.

Modeled Sentence Shuffle: Part II Below are the sentences from James Patterson and Kwame Alexander’s Becoming Muhammad Ali arranged in the order they chose:

Cassius loved the horses—the way they looked, the way they moved, the proud and noble way they held their heads.

When the trainers brought out the horses for their exercise, Cassius would run right alongside them.

Cassius loved the horses—the way they looked, the way they moved, the proud and noble way they held their heads. But he wasn’t content to just watch them. He wanted to race them. So he would go out to the track in the morning, while the dew was still on the grass. When the trainers brought out the horses for their exercise, Cassius would run right alongside them.

Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect

So he would go out to the track in the morning, while the dew was still on the grass.

• Why do you think the authors put the sentences in this order?

• Is there another order that would be effective?

But he wasn’t content to just watch them.

• Why do you think our order was different from or the same as the authors’?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Collaborating Through Conversation

Display 5.5 Invitation to Rearrange: Part I to each pair or small group of students. Following the directions, students collaborate through conversation to order the sentences in a way that makes sense and helps the reader understand the message. When ready, students compare their order with others in class, sharing their thought processes. Afterward, display 5.5 Invitation to Rearrange: Part II to share James Patterson and Kwame Alexander’s original text for comparative analysis. Use the reflective questions provided to facilitate a conversation about meaning and effect.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5 Chapter 2: Invitation to REARRANGE

5.5

75

Invitation to Rearrange: Part I 5.5

In James Patterson and Kwame Alexander’s Becoming Muhammad Ali, Lucky shares the story of when Cassius would race the horses in training at Churchill Downs. The following excerpt continues to show what happened.

Invitation to Rearrange: Part I (continued)

Bam! • Work with your partner or group to arrange sentences in an order that makes sense.

When the horse swerved to get out of his way, the rider fell off and landed hard on the dirt.

• When you finish, read the passage aloud together to see works. 76 if the order Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

After that little incident, he got kicked off the track for good. 5.5 class. • Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your

Invitation to Rearrange: Part II • Compare your version with the authors’ original text.

Original Text from Becoming Muhammad Ali The excerpt below shows James Patterson and Kwame Alexander’s choice for a coherent, logical order in Becoming Muhammad Ali:

One time he actually got in front of a horse on the track. When the horse swerved to get out of his way, the rider fell off and landed hard on the dirt. Bam! That was the end of Cassius’s horse racing career. After that little incident, he got kicked off the track for good. But he still hung around the stables. He couldn’t get enough of those thoroughbreds. Most of all, he loved the shape of their smooth, powerful muscles, and he wanted to get his own body in condition like that—stronger and faster than anybody in the world.

Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the authors put the sentences in this order? • Is there another order that would be effective? • Why do you think our order was different from or the same as the authors’? • What words helped you think about order?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Most of all, he loved the shape of their smooth, powerful muscles, and he wanted to get his own body in condition like that—stronger and faster than anybody in the world. He couldn’t get enough of those thoroughbreds.

That was the end of Cassius’s horse racing career.

One time he actually got in front of a horse on the track.

But he still hung around the stables.

Chapter 2:

Invitation to REARRANGE

71

Applying Revision

Students return to current or past drafts or their writer’s notebook and play with order, rearranging ideas and noticing the effect on the overall piece (Figure 5.5). They may choose to focus on one section or paragraph at a time. In this process, writers have options. They may choose to write the sentences from their chosen section on strips to rearrange. They may also decide to look at the piece as a whole, making sure it flows smoothly, asking a partner to help them. Remind them to use their Rearrange chart (page 56) as a guide.

Figure 5.5 Using sticky notes to help, a writer considers the order of some of the sentences in her writing.

Sharing Results

Students pair up to share their revisions from the lesson. Allow time for them to discuss why they chose to order their sentences in a particular way. Celebrate these revisions with feedback that names how the students used the revision strategy: Rearrange and order ideas logically for coherence.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.5

Modeled Sentence Shuffle: Part I

He wanted to race them.

Cassius loved the horses—the way they looked, the way they moved, the proud and noble way they held their heads.

When the trainers brought out the horses for their exercise, Cassius would run right alongside them.

So he would go out to the track in the morning, while the dew was still on the grass.

But he wasn’t content to just watch them.

Chapter 2: Invitation to REARRANGE

5.5

Modeled Sentence Shuffle: Part II Below are the sentences from James Patterson and Kwame Alexander’s Becoming Muhammad Ali arranged in the order they chose:

Cassius loved the horses—the way they looked, the way they moved, the proud and noble way they held their heads. But he wasn’t content to just watch them. He wanted to race them. So he would go out to the track in the morning, while the dew was still on the grass. When the trainers brought out the horses for their exercise, Cassius would run right alongside them.

Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the authors put the sentences in this order?

• Is there another order that would be effective?

• Why do you think our order was different from or the same as the authors’?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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5.5

Invitation to Rearrange: Part I In James Patterson and Kwame Alexander’s Becoming Muhammad Ali, Lucky shares the story of when Cassius would race the horses in training at Churchill Downs. The following excerpt continues to show what happened.

• Work with your partner or group to arrange sentences in an order that makes sense.

• When you finish, read the passage aloud together to see if the order works.

• Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class.

• Compare your version with the authors’ original text.

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5.5

Invitation to Rearrange: Part I (continued)

Bam! When the horse swerved to get out of his way, the rider fell off and landed hard on the dirt. After that little incident, he got kicked off the track for good. Most of all, he loved the shape of their smooth, powerful muscles, and he wanted to get his own body in condition like that—stronger and faster than anybody in the world. He couldn’t get enough of those thoroughbreds.

That was the end of Cassius’s horse racing career.

One time he actually got in front of a horse on the track.

But he still hung around the stables.

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Invitation to Rearrange: Part II Original Text from Becoming Muhammad Ali The excerpt below shows James Patterson and Kwame Alexander’s choice for a coherent, logical order in Becoming Muhammad Ali:

One time he actually got in front of a horse on the track. When the horse swerved to get out of his way, the rider fell off and landed hard on the dirt. Bam! That was the end of Cassius’s horse racing career. After that little incident, he got kicked off the track for good. But he still hung around the stables. He couldn’t get enough of those thoroughbreds. Most of all, he loved the shape of their smooth, powerful muscles, and he wanted to get his own body in condition like that—stronger and faster than anybody in the world.

Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the authors put the sentences in this order? • Is there another order that would be effective? • Why do you think our order was different from or the same as the authors’? • What words helped you think about order?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Chapter 2:

Invitation to REARRANGE

5.6 Operation Rearrange: Stay Focused Lesson Overview Revision goal connected to standards: Develop and strengthen writing by rearranging ideas to ensure a logical progression.

Model Text Operation Pangolin: Saving the World’s Only Scaled Mammal – Written by Suzi Eszterhas

Teacher Considerations In this lesson, students will continue to consider the impact of rearranging ideas in informational texts. In Operation Pangolin: Saving the World’s Only Scaled Mammal, Suzi Eszterhas uses a variety of text structures to teach readers about a unique animal: the pangolin.

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Setting the Context

To set a context, read aloud the following excerpt from page 6 to introduce your students to the pangolin, the world’s only scaled mammal, demonstrating how Suzi Eszterhas organizes her information:

Though they might look like reptiles, pangolins are the world’s only scaled mammal. They live in the grassland and forests in Africa and Asia. . . . Some people refer to pangolins as scaly anteaters because they eat mostly ants and termites. But pangolins are not related to anteaters. Their closest relatives are carnivores (meat eaters) such as polar bears, lions, and wolverines. Pangolins are insectivores—carnivores that eat insects. There are eight different pangolin species. Some species of pangolins are nocturnal—awake at night. Others are only active during the day. They dig deep burrows in the ground or find hollow trees to sleep in.

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Revision Strategy

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Rearrange and order ideas logically for coherence.

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Modeling

Lift sentences from 5.6 Modeled Sentence Shuffle: Part I and display them (e.g., on sentence strips, on index cards, or electronically) in no particular order for all students to see. Invite students to consider how the ideas are connected and talk about how they might be logically ordered. “These are some of the sentences from the excerpt I just read aloud, but they are out of order.” Think aloud as you model ordering the sentences in different ways, stopping to discuss each order: “Does this make sense? Why or why not? What would happen if I put this sentence before this one?” Once the class feels like the ideas are connected logically, reveal Suzi Eszterhas’s original version and compare the class’s order to Suzi’s, discussing the effect of each, using the display page 5.6 Modeled Sentence Shuffle: Part II. We like to use the author’s first name during these conversations to show that published authors are real people, too, and that they are writers just as the students in our class are writers. You may choose to use the reflective questions as a guide: • Why do you think Suzi put the sentences in this order? • Is there another order that would be effective? • Why do you think our order was different from or the same as Suzi’s? sentence make sense next to/before/after • Why might sentence?

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5.6

Modeled Sentence Shuffle: Part I Chapter 2: Invitation to REARRANGE

Their closest relatives are carnivores (meat eaters) such as polar bears, lions, and wolverines.

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Modeled Sentence Shuffle: Part II The paragraph below shows Suzi Eszterhas’s order choices in her original version from Operation Pangolin: Saving the World’s Only Scaled Mammal:

Some people refer to pangolins as scaly anteaters because they eat mostly ants and termites.

Some people refer to pangolins as scaly anteaters because they eat mostly ants and termites. But pangolins are not related to anteaters. Their closest relatives are carnivores (meat eaters) such as polar bears, lions, and wolverines. Pangolins are insectivores—carnivores that eat insects.

Pangolins are insectivores—carnivores that eat insects. Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author put the sentences in this order?

But pangolins are not related to anteaters.

• Is there another order that would be effective?

• Why do you think our order was different from or the same as the author’s?

• Why might

sentence make sense next to/before/after

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

sentence?

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Collaborating Through Conversation

Distribute the sentences lifted from 5.6 Invitation to Rearrange: Part I on sentence strips, index cards, or electronically. In pairs or small groups, students collaborate through conversation to order the sentences in a way that makes sense and tightly connects the ideas. When ready, students compare their order with others in class and share why they chose the order they did. Afterward, display 5.6 Invitation to Rearrange: Part II to share Suzi Eszterhas’s original text for comparative analysis. Use the reflective questions provided to facilitate a conversation about meaning and effect.

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5.6

Invitation to Rearrange: Part I 5.6

Invitation to Rearrange: Part I (continued)

On page 9 in Suzi Eszterhas’s Operation Pangolin: Saving the World’s Only Scaled Mammal, we learn more about pangolins. In the following excerpt, Suzi teaches readers about their tongues.

When fully extended, a pangolin’s tongue is up to about 16 inches (41 cm) long.

• Work with your partner or group to arrange sentences in an order that makes sense.

• When you finish, read the passage aloud together to see works. 86 if the order Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Instead, they have long, sticky tongues that they use to lap up ants and other insects.

5.6 class. • Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your

Invitation to Rearrange: Part II • Compare your version with the author’s original text.

In most species of pangolins, the tongue originates from deep in the chest cavity, from the last pair of ribs near the pelvis.

Original Text from Operation Pangolin: Saving the World’s Only Scaled Mammal The paragraph below shows the choices Suzi Eszterhas made for a coherent, logical order in the excerpt from Operation Pangolin:

Pangolins don’t have teeth. Instead, they have long, sticky tongues that they use to lap up ants and other insects. When fully extended, a pangolin’s tongue is up to about 16 inches (41 cm) long. That’s longer than its entire body! In most species of pangolins, the tongue originates from deep in the chest cavity, from the last pair of ribs near the pelvis.

Pangolins don’t have teeth.

That’s longer than its entire body! Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author put the sentences in this order? • Is there another order that would be effective? • Why do you think our order was different from or the same as the author’s? • Why might

sentence make sense next to/before/after

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

sentence?

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Invitation to REARRANGE

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Applying Revision

Students return to their own drafts or writer’s notebooks and play with order, noticing the effect and rearranging as needed. They may choose to focus on one section or paragraph at a time. Some students may find that an entire paragraph needs to go to another place in the piece. When writing informational text, students can work with a partner to make sure each sentence ties back to the main idea and is in an order that makes sense, too. As they work, students may also discover a part that needs to be deleted. Remind writers of the other revision strategies they have learned, and invite them to apply those as well. It’s all about meaning and effect. What makes the most sense?

Figure 5.6 Students share their revisions with each other.

Sharing Results

To celebrate the revision writers did in this lesson, students share results with partners (Figure 5.6). Allow time to discuss revisions, noting the effect of the reordered sentences, and providing feedback to each other about how the ideas are connected. Invite students to write a piece of feedback on a sticky note and place it on top of their partner’s piece:

I noticed that you because

. This helps me as a reader .

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5.6

Modeled Sentence Shuffle: Part I

Their closest relatives are carnivores (meat eaters) such as polar bears, lions, and wolverines.

Some people refer to pangolins as scaly anteaters because they eat mostly ants and termites.

Pangolins are insectivores—carnivores that eat insects.

But pangolins are not related to anteaters.

Chapter 2: Invitation to REARRANGE

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5.6

Modeled Sentence Shuffle: Part II The paragraph below shows Suzi Eszterhas’s order choices in her original version from Operation Pangolin: Saving the World’s Only Scaled Mammal:

Some people refer to pangolins as scaly anteaters because they eat mostly ants and termites. But pangolins are not related to anteaters. Their closest relatives are carnivores (meat eaters) such as polar bears, lions, and wolverines. Pangolins are insectivores—carnivores that eat insects.

Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author put the sentences in this order?

• Is there another order that would be effective?

• Why do you think our order was different from or the same as the author’s?

• Why might

sentence make sense next to/before/after

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

sentence?

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5.6

Invitation to Rearrange: Part I On page 9 in Suzi Eszterhas’s Operation Pangolin: Saving the World’s Only Scaled Mammal, we learn more about pangolins. In the following excerpt, Suzi teaches readers about their tongues.

• Work with your partner or group to arrange sentences in an order that makes sense.

• When you finish, read the passage aloud together to see if the order works.

• Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class.

• Compare your version with the author’s original text.

Chapter 2: Invitation to REARRANGE 5.6

Invitation to Rearrange: Part I (continued)

When fully extended, a pangolin’s tongue is up to about 16 inches (41 cm) long.

Instead, they have long, sticky tongues that they use to lap up ants and other insects.

In most species of pangolins, the tongue originates from deep in the chest cavity, from the last pair of ribs near the pelvis.

Pangolins don’t have teeth.

That’s longer than its entire body!

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5.6

Invitation to Rearrange: Part II Original Text from Operation Pangolin: Saving the World’s Only Scaled Mammal The paragraph below shows the choices Suzi Eszterhas made for a coherent, logical order in the excerpt from Operation Pangolin:

Pangolins don’t have teeth. Instead, they have long, sticky tongues that they use to lap up ants and other insects. When fully extended, a pangolin’s tongue is up to about 16 inches (41 cm) long. That’s longer than its entire body! In most species of pangolins, the tongue originates from deep in the chest cavity, from the last pair of ribs near the pelvis.

Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author put the sentences in this order? • Is there another order that would be effective? • Why do you think our order was different from or the same as the author’s? • Why might

sentence make sense next to/before/after

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

sentence?

3

Invitation to ADD CONNECTORS

We are wired for connection. But the key is that, in any given moment of it, it has to be real. – Brené Brown

E

. M. Forster wrote, “Only connect.” We round out the lesson sets in Part 1 with adding connectors because—as you move into Part 2—you’ll find that connectors are the glue that holds our writing together, shifting from one idea to the next, helping our readers move through the text. When a writer is combining sentences, connectors are a fabulous friend. Consider how these connectors help transition or link ideas and help define the relationship between and among ideas: • And Or • But • So • Although • When • • While Connectors may also include phrases that writers add in to join ideas and make their message clearer: • In other words, For example, • , When • , • Like , If • Fifth graders often have a flurry of ideas, drafting sentence after sentence to get it all on the page before they forget. If you see that writers include too many short, choppy sentences or are struggling with repetition in their writing, a need for more connectors may be the culprit. You’ll immediately notice an elevation in your fifth graders’ writing as they learn to add in connectors, such as transitional words, conjunctions, or sentences to help connect their ideas, making their message more coherent for the reader.

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Connectors are primarily thought of as punctuation marks or words, especially conjunctions and relative pronouns. (For Tip more information on connector words and punctuation, please Connectors aren’t limited just to words refer to The Connectors chart located on page 90, which can and phrases. Punctuation marks are be kept in a student’s writer’s notebook, binder, or a folder— essential connectors as well. And, digital or analog.) To support the concept of adding connectors although all punctuation separates, for fifth-grade revisers, in this chapter of lessons, writers explore notice how these punctuation marks how adding sentences can serve the purpose of connecting also connect or join ideas or sentences: through clarifying information, deepening readers’ sequential • Commas • Colon understanding, and maintaining focus. The Add chart on page • Semicolon • Dash 89 can be used as a reference throughout the lessons and beyond. Students may keep a copy in their writing folder, glue a copy into their writing notebook, or access a copy hanging in your classroom. As always, we try the process out together first, then writers try out a different example in small groups or with partners. We conclude the lesson by inviting students to return to their own writing to add connecting ideas whether with sentences, phrases, or words that might help clarify the writer’s message or purpose. Building this awareness that writers use connectors to link their ideas is crucial to the development of fifth-grade writing and reading. As writers, students begin to see the options and effects in discussions. As readers, they become more likely to notice shifts in ideas, aiding in comprehension. The reciprocal nature of reading, writing, and grammar is not lost during revision.

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ADD Adding Connectors at the Sentence Level DELETE

Prepositions

Adding a preposition (or a prepositional phrase) grounds the reader in time and place. They can also introduce examples, contrasts, or comparisons. Without a glass of milk, cookies aren’t as delicious.

REARRANGE

Subordinating conjunctions show relationships between ideas, sometimes making one idea more or less important than another. They are used within complex sentences. When I bake cookies, a delicious aroma fills the air.

ADD

Conjunctions FORM

Coordinating conjunctions make connections that are equal to each other. They can join sentences to create compound sentences, and they can also show a relationship between a pair or a list. I like to bake cookies, but I will only eat them with a glass of milk.

TALK

Relative Pronouns

Punctuation

Introduces or links additional information to the noun before it. Cookies that have large chocolate chunks in them are better than plain chocolate chip cookies. Combines, introduces, and encloses information within a sentence.

Adding Connectors at the Paragraph Level Add a sentence (or even a paragraph or more) . . . • to the beginning of a paragraph to introduce the new main idea, or to transition to a new idea. • to transition from one idea to the next. • to add important information to the sentence before. • to move the reader through time.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5 The Connectors Prepositions What do they do? They show time and place as well as introduce examples, contrasts, or comparisons.

Function

Subordinating Conjunctions (AAAWWUBBIS) Although As After While When Until Because Before If Since

Example

Time

at, in, on

Extended Time

by, during, for, from, since, to, until, with(in)

Direction

What do they do? They show relationships, sometimes making one idea more or less important.

in, into, on, onto, to, toward

Function

above, across, against, ahead of, along, among, around, at, behind, below, beneath, beside, between, by, from, in, inside, near, of, off, on, out, over, through, toward, under, within

Location

Introduce Examples and Comparisons or Contrasts

as, despite, except, for, like, of, per, than, with, without

Example

Time

after, before, during, since, until, when, whenever, while

Cause-Effect

as, because, since, so

Opposition

although, even though, though, whatever, while

Condition

as long as, if, in order to, unless, until, whatever

Relative Pronouns

What do they do? Introduce and link additional information to the noun before it.

Function

For And Nor But Or Yet So

Example

Link ideas and things to more detail

that, what, which

Link people to more detail

who, whoever, whom, whose

Connector Punctuation

What do they do? They combine, introduce, and enclose information.

Combines

Coordinating Conjunctions (FANBOYS)

Introduces

Comma ,

Encloses

What do they do? They make connections that are equal to each other. They join sentences (thereby making compound sentences), and they can show a relationship between a pair or a list.

Function

Example

Comma ,

Combine

and

Dash —

Dash —

Dash —

Opposition

but, nor, yet

Semicolon ;

Colon :

Parentheses ( )

Cause-Effect

for, so

Quotation Marks “ ”

Choice

or

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Chapter 3:

Invitation to ADD CONNECTORS

5.7 The Art of Connecting Ideas Lesson Overview Revision goal connected to standards: Develop and strengthen writing by adding information and ideas for coherence and clarity.

Model Text Washed Ashore: Making Art from Ocean Plastic – Written by Kelly Crull

Teacher Considerations When revising, writers check for coherence (making sure each idea connects to the next) and clarity (making sure the ideas include clarifying information). We use this lesson to focus on coherence by adding a sentence that connects one idea within a paragraph to the next. We love Kelly Crull’s Washed Ashore: Making Art from Ocean Plastic as a mentor because of the author’s use of informational text, procedural text, and a variety of text features including a flow chart. Most importantly, Crull includes a strong message about the importance of taking better care of our environment. Although we’ve chosen to use a nonfiction text for this lesson, keep in mind that this revision strategy, like the others, can be applied to any form of writing. When students revise their own writing, they will check to make sure all of their ideas are tightly connected, adding sentences, phrases, and/or words where needed. Hanging the Add chart (page 89) in your classroom or inviting students to glue it into their writing notebooks along with The Connectors chart (page 90) will provide writers with a reference when needed.

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Setting the Context

Using plastic trash found on beaches, artist Angela Haseltine Pozzi has created sculptures of wildlife to teach people the importance of keeping our Earth clean. Author Kelly Crull teaches readers about these animals while showcasing Haseltine’s art in Washed Ashore: Making Art from Ocean Plastic. Share this information with your students if you haven’t already read the book to them, and then read aloud the following excerpt from page 7 about sea dragons, keeping in mind that we’ve intentionally taken away a sentence (but don’t tell your students that):

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Did you know dragons exist? Yes, they do! But they breathe bubbles—not fire. They don’t even have teeth. Instead, they use their snouts like a straw to suck up tiny crustaceans like mysids and sea lice. They’re smaller than a house cat. And they’re extremely shy. They are ridiculously good at playing hide-andseek. Sea dragons are nearly impossible to see, even if you are looking straight at them. They blend in perfectly with the seagrass and kelp forests where they live. But our trash is destroying their perfect hiding spot. We can help protect sea dragons by keeping our beaches clean, so our trash does not reach their homes near the shore.

Invite students to consider how this paragraph is written and the meaning within it. “Yes, this paragraph is all about sea dragons, but guess what? A sentence is missing from this paragraph. Did you notice? Some of these ideas are not tightly connected. Where do you see some disconnect?” When the conversation warrants, share what writers do to connect their ideas for coherence: “Writers will often add details to connect one idea to the next, helping their readers to fully comprehend the main idea.”

Revision Strategy Add a connector, a sentence or sentences to connect information for your reader.

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Modeling

Display 5.7 Something’s Missing: Part I, which has a mentor paragraph that shows where a connecting sentence needs to be inserted. “The writer of this paragraph needs to revise by adding a sentence that will connect one idea to the next. Let’s look at this paragraph in which something’s missing.” Discuss the author’s message in the existing parts around the blank. Possible questions to prompt discussion: • What is Kelly saying in the first sentence? What about the sentence after the blank? • What is Kelly’s message in this paragraph? • What do you notice about the writing before/after the blank space? Invite students to consider which of the three starred sentence choices could be added to the author’s writing. Model trying out one of the sentences, reading it in the paragraph, and discussing WHY this option works or doesn’t seem to work well. Continue to model with the other two starred options or invite students to try it out and discuss in pairs or small groups. Remind students that their conversation should focus on WHY the author might choose or not choose to add the sentence rather than trying to select the right answer. After some time for conversation about the meaning and effect of each choice, reveal Kelly Crull’s original version with the display page 5.7 Something’s Missing: Part II. Use the reflective questions to guide a comparative analysis discussion. • Why do you think the author used this sentence? • Do any of the other starred sentence options work? Why or why not? • Why do you think your choice was different from or the same as the author’s?

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5.7

Something’s Missing: Part I Chapter 3: Invitation to ADD CONNECTORS Did you know dragons exist? Yes, they do! But they breathe bubbles—not fire. They don’t even have teeth. Instead, they use their snouts like a straw to suck up tiny crustaceans like mysids and sea lice. They’re smaller than a house cat. And they’re extremely shy.

They are ridiculously good at playing hide-and-seek. Sea dragons are nearly impossible to see, even if you are looking straight at them. They blend in perfectly with the seagrass and kelp forests where they live. But our trash is destroying their perfect hiding spot. We can help protect sea dragons by keeping our beaches clean, so our trash does not reach their homes near the shore.

Still, they have a hidden talent.

Like other marine life, they spend their lives in the open ocean.

5.7

Something’s Missing: Part II The bolded sentence below is Kelly Crull’s sentence choice for adding to connect ideas, creating coherence in Washed Ashore: Making Art from Ocean Plastic.

Did you know dragons exist? Yes, they do! But they breathe bubbles—not fire. They don’t even have teeth. Instead, they use their snouts like a straw to suck up tiny crustaceans like mysids and sea lice. They’re smaller than a house cat. And they’re extremely shy. Still, they have a hidden talent. They are ridiculously good at playing hide-and-seek. Sea dragons are nearly impossible to see, even if you are looking straight at them. They blend in perfectly with the seagrass and kelp forests where they live. But our trash is destroying their perfect hiding spot. We can help protect sea dragons by keeping our beaches clean, so our trash does not reach their homes near the shore.

They also end up eating plastic. Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author used this sentence? • Do any of the other starred sentence options work? Why or why not? • Why do you think your choice was different or the same as the author’s?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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Collaborating Through Conversation

Display 5.7 Invitation to Add Connectors: Part I. In pairs or small groups, students collaborate through conversation to select the sentence they think best connects ideas for the reader. While working, remind students to focus their conversation on meaning and effect: what works, what doesn’t, and why. When ready, students compare their revision with others in class, discussing WHY they made their choices. To close the discussion, display 5.7 Invitation to Add Connectors: Part II to show the author’s original text for comparative analysis and use the reflective questions to facilitate a further conversation about meaning and effect.

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5.7

Invitation to Add Connectors: Part I 5.7

Invitation to Add Connectors: Part I (continued)

In Washed Ashore: Making Art from Ocean Plastic, Kelly Crull teaches readers about other marine creatures called sea jellies.

Sea jellies have no bones, heart, lungs, or brain. And get this, sea jellies eat and poop out of the same hole! Their simple design is their advantage.

• Read the paragraph on the next page. Something is missing.

• Study what the paragraph is mainly describing. 100

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

• Look closely at the sentences before the blank as well as the ones after the blank. 5.7

• Study the three starred sentences.

They live in the warm tropics and the icy Arctic, near the surface and on the sea floor. They eat fish, shrimp, crabs, tiny plants, and even other jellies. Some host algae that use photosynthesis to make food for them—like plants. They can do it all!

Invitation to Add Connectors: Part II Original Text from Washed Ashore: Making Art from Ocean Plastic

The bolded sentence below is Kelly Crull’s sentence choice for connecting • Try each starred sentence in the blank and decide which one makes the most sense. ideas for coherence in Washed Ashore: Making Art from Ocean Plastic:

Plastic bags in the water can look and move like sea jellies.

• Compare your version with other groups or pairs.

Sea jellies are so good at collecting plastic that humans can use their slime to filter microplastics out of sewers.

• Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text.

Sea jellies have no bones, heart, lungs, or brain. And get this, sea jellies eat and poop out of the same hole! Their simple design is their advantage. Sea jellies can thrive anywhere. They live in the warm tropics and the icy Arctic, near the surface and on the sea floor. They eat fish, shrimp, crabs, tiny plants, and even other jellies. Some host algae that use photosynthesis to make food for them—like plants. They can do it all!

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author used this sentence? • Do any of the other starred sentence options work? Why or why not? • Why do you think your choice was different from or the same as the author’s?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Sea jellies can thrive anywhere.

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Chapter 3: Invitation to ADD CONNECTORS

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Applying Revision

Students return to a piece of writing they have drafted and consider how they might add details to connect their ideas (Figure 5.7). You may have them start with a partner, sharing their goal for the piece: “As a reader, I want you to understand or from this piece.” They then read their selection and ask their get partner to help find a part that might be a little confusing or needs additional connecting information. Some questions their partner may ask include: • What are you saying in the first sentence? • What is your message in this part? • What do you want your reader to know here? After this conference with a partner, the writer can decide how they will insert a sentence or more to connect information or clear up any confusion. They may choose to write their additions on sticky notes or strips of paper, or insert the information directly onto their page with a carat. If time permits, invite them to meet back with their partner for another check with the revisions in place. Figure 5.7 This fifth-grade writer chose to use a sticky note to add a few sentences to connect her ideas for her reader.

Sharing Results

Celebrate the revision writers did in this lesson with a small-group share. Students read what they had first and then read their new version, explaining what details they added to make their writing more coherent.

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5.7

Something’s Missing: Part I

Did you know dragons exist? Yes, they do! But they breathe bubbles—not fire. They don’t even have teeth. Instead, they use their snouts like a straw to suck up tiny crustaceans like mysids and sea lice. They’re smaller than a house cat. And they’re extremely shy.

They are ridiculously good at playing hide-and-seek. Sea dragons are nearly impossible to see, even if you are looking straight at them. They blend in perfectly with the seagrass and kelp forests where they live. But our trash is destroying their perfect hiding spot. We can help protect sea dragons by keeping our beaches clean, so our trash does not reach their homes near the shore.



 Still, they have a hidden talent.



 Like other marine life, they spend their lives in the open ocean.



 They also end up eating plastic.

Chapter 3:

Invitation to ADD CONNECTORS

5.7

Something’s Missing: Part II The bolded sentence below is Kelly Crull’s sentence choice for adding to connect ideas, creating coherence in Washed Ashore: Making Art from Ocean Plastic.

Did you know dragons exist? Yes, they do! But they breathe bubbles—not fire. They don’t even have teeth. Instead, they use their snouts like a straw to suck up tiny crustaceans like mysids and sea lice. They’re smaller than a house cat. And they’re extremely shy. Still, they have a hidden talent. They are ridiculously good at playing hide-and-seek. Sea dragons are nearly impossible to see, even if you are looking straight at them. They blend in perfectly with the seagrass and kelp forests where they live. But our trash is destroying their perfect hiding spot. We can help protect sea dragons by keeping our beaches clean, so our trash does not reach their homes near the shore.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author used this sentence? • Do any of the other starred sentence options work? Why or why not? • Why do you think your choice was different or the same as the author’s?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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5.7

Invitation to Add Connectors: Part I In Washed Ashore: Making Art from Ocean Plastic, Kelly Crull teaches readers about other marine creatures called sea jellies.

• Read the paragraph on the next page. Something is missing.

• Study what the paragraph is mainly describing.

• Look closely at the sentences before the blank as well as the ones after the blank.

• Study the three starred sentences.

• Try each starred sentence in the blank and decide which one makes the most sense.

• Compare your version with other groups or pairs.

• Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text.

Chapter 3: Invitation to ADD CONNECTORS 5.7

Invitation to Add Connectors: Part I (continued)

Sea jellies have no bones, heart, lungs, or brain. And get this, sea jellies eat and poop out of the same hole! Their simple design is their advantage.

They live in the warm tropics and the icy Arctic, near the surface and on the sea floor. They eat fish, shrimp, crabs, tiny plants, and even other jellies. Some host algae that use photosynthesis to make food for them—like plants. They can do it all!



 Plastic bags in the water can look and move like sea jellies.



 Sea jellies are so good at collecting plastic that humans can use their slime to filter microplastics out of sewers.



 Sea jellies can thrive anywhere.

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5.7

Invitation to Add Connectors: Part II Original Text from Washed Ashore: Making Art from Ocean Plastic The bolded sentence below is Kelly Crull’s sentence choice for connecting ideas for coherence in Washed Ashore: Making Art from Ocean Plastic:

Sea jellies have no bones, heart, lungs, or brain. And get this, sea jellies eat and poop out of the same hole! Their simple design is their advantage. Sea jellies can thrive anywhere. They live in the warm tropics and the icy Arctic, near the surface and on the sea floor. They eat fish, shrimp, crabs, tiny plants, and even other jellies. Some host algae that use photosynthesis to make food for them—like plants. They can do it all!

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author used this sentence? • Do any of the other starred sentence options work? Why or why not? • Why do you think your choice was different from or the same as the author’s?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Chapter 3:

Invitation to ADD CONNECTORS

5.8 Tagging Detail with Connectors Lesson Overview Revision goal connected to standards: Develop and strengthen writing by adding information and ideas for coherence and clarity.

Model Text Team Chu and the Battle of Blackwood Arena – Written by Julie C. Dao

Teacher Considerations When revising, writers check for coherence (making sure each idea connects to the next) and clarity (making sure ideas include clarifying information). We use this lesson to consider what details could be added for clarity in a narrative text. Students will be expected to visualize the action in this text excerpt and talk with their peers about what details could be added and why. We’ve chosen to use Julie C. Dao’s Team Chu and the Battle of Blackwood Arena because it’s packed with action and details, and it includes high interest topics for many fifth graders: laser tag, virtual reality, video games, and sibling rivalry.

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Setting the Context

In Julie C. Dao’s Team Chu and the Battle of Blackwood Arena, brother and sister Clip and Sadie Chu love laser tag and get excited about a new venue, Blackwood Gaming Arena, opening in their town. You may choose to share this information with your students or read the summary on the back of the book, and then read aloud the following excerpt from page 7:

The music stops and the lights turn on, signaling the end of the game. They crawl under nets and over railings, talking and laughing as they make their way through the maze of blue mats to the exit.

ˮ

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Invite students to consider how this paragraph is written and the meaning within it. “Guess what? A sentence is missing from this paragraph. Did you notice? Are you left wondering anything? Does anything seem unclear?” When the conversation warrants, share what writers do to clear up confusions their readers may have: “Writers add sentences, often with clarifying details, to clear up any confusion for their readers.”

Revision Strategy Add a connector, a sentence or sentences to clarify information for your reader.

Chapter 3: Invitation to ADD CONNECTORS

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Modeling

Display 5.8 Something’s Missing: Part I, which has a mentor paragraph that shows where a clarifying sentence needs to be inserted. “The writer of this paragraph needs to revise by adding a sentence that will clarify ideas with details for the reader. Let’s look at this paragraph in which something’s missing.” Discuss the author’s message in the existing parts around the blank. Possible questions to prompt discussion: • What is the author saying in the first sentence? What about the sentence after the blank? • What is the author’s message in this paragraph? • What do you notice about the writing before/after the blank space? Invite students to consider which of the three starred sentence choices could be added to the author’s writing. Model trying out one of the sentences, reading it in the paragraph, and discussing WHY this option works or doesn’t seem to work well. Continue to model with the other two starred options or invite students to try it out and discuss in pairs or small groups. Remind students that their conversation should focus on WHY the author might choose or not choose to add the sentence rather than trying to select the right answer. After some time for conversation about the meaning and effect of each choice, reveal Julie C. Dao’s original version with the display page 5.8 Something’s Missing: Part II. Use the reflective questions to guide a comparative analysis discussion. • Why do you think Julie used this sentence? • Do any of the other starred sentence options work? Why or why not? • Why do you think your choice was different from or the same as Julie’s?

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5.8

Something’s Missing: Part I 5.8

The music stops and the lights turn on, signaling the end of the game.

They crawl under nets and over railings, talking and laughing as they make their way through the maze of blue mats to the exit.

I whirl to see my best friend, Jeremy Thomas, whose helmet barely fits over his curly cloud of hair.

I grin, imagining Clip’s face when he sees that his eleven-year-old sister has crushed him at his own game.

Something’s Missing: Part II The bolded sentence below is Julie C. Dao’s sentence choice for adding details to clarify and connect in Team Chu and the Battle of Blackwood Arena:

The music stops and the lights turn on, signaling the end of the game. All around us, kids climb out from their hiding places, wearing the regulation helmet, vest, and shin and elbow guards. They crawl under nets and over railings, talking and laughing as they make their way through the maze of blue mats to the exit.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author used this sentence?

All around us, kids climb out from their hiding places, wearing the regulation helmet, vest, and shin and elbow guards.

• Do any of the other starred sentence options work? Why or why not?

• Why do you think your choice was different from or the same as the author’s?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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Collaborating Through Conversation

Display 5.8 Invitation to Add Connectors: Part I. In pairs or small groups, students collaborate through conversation with their peers to select the sentence they think best clarifies and connects with details for the reader. While working, remind students to focus their conversations on meaning and effect: what works, what doesn’t, and why. When ready, students compare their revision with others in class, discussing WHY they made their choices. To close the discussion, display 5.8 Invitation to Add Connectors: Part II to show the author’s original text for comparative analysis and use the reflective questions to facilitate a further conversation about meaning and effect.

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5.8

Invitation to Add Connectors: Part I In Team Chu and the Battle of Blackwood Arena, Sadie has just realized her team has lost the laser tag game against her brother Clip’s team.

• Read the following paragraph. Something is missing.

Chapter 3: Invitation to ADD CONNECTORS 5.8

Invitation to Add Connectors: Part I (continued) • Study what the paragraph is mainly describing.

• Look closely at the sentences before the blank as well as the ones after the blank.

I know he’s trying to make me laugh, but I don’t have the energy. Outside the arena, the master computer has tallied those final shots and decided that Clip’s team is the winner. For the fifth time in a row.

• Study the three starred sentences.

• Try each starred sentence in the blank and decide which one makes the most sense.

Maybe if I lie here long enough, I’ll melt into the mats and they’ll forget about me.

• Compare your version with other groups or pairs. I groan as Clip smirks and pushes his button. 110

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

• Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text.

I press my hands over my eyes.

5.8

Invitation to Add Connectors: Part II Original Text from Team Chu and the Battle of Blackwood Arena The bolded sentence below is Julie C. Dao’s sentence choice for adding a detail to connect for clarity in Team Chu and the Battle of Blackwood Arena.

I know he’s trying to make me laugh, but I don’t have the energy. Outside the arena, the master computer has tallied those final shots and decided that Clip’s team is the winner. For the fifth time in a row. I press my hands over my eyes. Maybe if I lie here long enough, I’ll melt into the mats and they’ll forget about me.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author used this sentence?

• Do any of the other starred sentence options work? Why or why not?

• Why do you think your choice was different from or the same as the author’s?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

My helmet feels too tight over my ponytail, but there’s no time to fix it.

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Applying Revision

Using a piece from your teacher writing notebook or a class piece, begin with a live demonstration with input from your students showcasing how to go back to your writing and consider places where details could be added to connect and clarify. Some guided questions you may choose to ask include: • What am I saying in the first sentence? • What is my message in this part? • What do you think my reader needs to know here? Your students will then move into their own pieces of writing to do this same work, choosing places where clarifying details could be added, using the guided questions to help them (Figure 5.8). They may also decide to work with a partner as needed. Figure 5.8 This writer adds details to clarify in her essay about a class read-aloud.

Sharing Results

To celebrate the revision your writers did in this lesson, consider taking them to another classroom to share their revisions with someone new. Partnered with students there, they explain why they chose to add the details they did, and their new partner shares how that helps them as a reader. You may then decide to hang these revised pieces in the hallway, showcasing the messy but magical work of revision.

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5.8

Something’s Missing: Part I

The music stops and the lights turn on, signaling the end of the game.

They crawl under nets and over railings, talking and laughing as they make their way through the maze of blue mats to the exit.



 I whirl to see my best friend, Jeremy Thomas, whose helmet barely fits over his curly cloud of hair.



 I grin, imagining Clip’s face when he sees that his eleven-year-old sister has crushed him at his own game.



 All around us, kids climb out from their hiding places, wearing the regulation helmet, vest, and shin and elbow guards.

Chapter 3:

Invitation to ADD CONNECTORS

5.8

Something’s Missing: Part II The bolded sentence below is Julie C. Dao’s sentence choice for adding details to clarify and connect in Team Chu and the Battle of Blackwood Arena:

The music stops and the lights turn on, signaling the end of the game. All around us, kids climb out from their hiding places, wearing the regulation helmet, vest, and shin and elbow guards. They crawl under nets and over railings, talking and laughing as they make their way through the maze of blue mats to the exit.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author used this sentence?

• Do any of the other starred sentence options work? Why or why not?

• Why do you think your choice was different from or the same as the author’s?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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5.8

Invitation to Add Connectors: Part I In Team Chu and the Battle of Blackwood Arena, Sadie has just realized her team has lost the laser tag game against her brother Clip’s team.

• Read the following paragraph. Something is missing.

• Study what the paragraph is mainly describing.

• Look closely at the sentences before the blank as well as the ones after the blank.

• Study the three starred sentences.

• Try each starred sentence in the blank and decide which one makes the most sense.

• Compare your version with other groups or pairs.

• Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text.

Chapter 3: Invitation to ADD CONNECTORS 5.8

Invitation to Add Connectors: Part I (continued)

I know he’s trying to make me laugh, but I don’t have the energy. Outside the arena, the master computer has tallied those final shots and decided that Clip’s team is the winner. For the fifth time in a row.

Maybe if I lie here long enough, I’ll melt into the mats and they’ll forget about me.



 I groan as Clip smirks and pushes his button.



 I press my hands over my eyes.



 My helmet feels too tight over my ponytail, but there’s no time to fix it.

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5.8

Invitation to Add Connectors: Part II Original Text from Team Chu and the Battle of Blackwood Arena The bolded sentence below is Julie C. Dao’s sentence choice for adding a detail to connect for clarity in Team Chu and the Battle of Blackwood Arena.

I know he’s trying to make me laugh, but I don’t have the energy. Outside the arena, the master computer has tallied those final shots and decided that Clip’s team is the winner. For the fifth time in a row. I press my hands over my eyes. Maybe if I lie here long enough, I’ll melt into the mats and they’ll forget about me.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author used this sentence?

• Do any of the other starred sentence options work? Why or why not?

• Why do you think your choice was different from or the same as the author’s?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Chapter 3: Invitation to ADD CONNECTORS

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5.9 Transitions to the Rescue: Linking Ideas Lesson Overview Revision goal connected to standards: Develop and strengthen writing by adding information and ideas for coherence and clarity.

Model Text All Thirteen: The Incredible Cave Rescue of the Thai Boys’ Soccer Team – Written by Christina Soontornvat

Teacher Considerations In this lesson we consider how we can use transition words to act as connectors when moving from one idea to the next within a paragraph. When using transitions, we invite our students to go beyond the familiar structure of beginning a sentence with a transition word or phrase. Instead, we think about how we can vary our sentence structures by embedding transitional words in the middle of our sentences. The chart on page 112 (Writers Connect Ideas and Link to the Next with Transitions) shows some common words and phrases writers use to connect their ideas or transition from one idea to the next. We suggest students use this chart as a starting place or a guide and then think beyond it as they start to collect transitions that can best show the connection between their ideas and why. The options are endless!

Patterns of Power Lesson 15.3: Sooner or Later: Adverbs of Time invites writers to discover how adverbs are often used as transitions to show time.

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Writers Connect Ideas and Link to the Next with Transitions Words and Phrases You Might Use To Show Time or Order

To Show Location

first

meanwhile

beyond

by

soon

now

on top of

inside

after

as soon as

throughout

within

To Compare Ideas

To Contrast Ideas

in the same way

like

however

unlike

similarly

also

instead

bigger than

likewise

accordingly

although

on the other hand

To Emphasize an Idea

To Provide More Information

indeed

in fact

additionally

for example

specifically

with this in mind

also

another

again

anyway

furthermore

and

To Summarize Ideas in conclusion   as a result   therefore   consequently

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Chapter 3: Invitation to ADD CONNECTORS

Setting the Context

In All Thirteen: The Incredible Cave Rescue of the Thai Boys’ Soccer Team, Christina Soontornvat tells the true story that captured the world’s attention in 2018 when a Thai boys’ soccer team found themselves trapped in the flooding Tham Luang cave. All twelve boys and their coach were rescued seventeen days later due to the involvement of thousands of rescuers from all over the world. Share this information with your students and then read aloud the following excerpt (with a sentence missing) from Chapter 4 of All Thirteen: The Incredible Cave Rescue of the Thai Boys’ Soccer Team when the parents discover their boys are missing:

ˮ

Night misses his birthday party. His family grows worried as the evening goes on and he still doesn’t show up. None of the boys had told their parents where they were going. The parents soon learn that their sons had messaged other members of the team to tell them of their plans to go to Tham Luang. Now the families’ worry turns to real fear.

Invite students to consider how this paragraph is written and the meaning within it. “Guess what? A sentence is missing from this paragraph. Did you notice? Are you left wondering anything? Does anything seem unclear?” When the conversation warrants, share what writers do to clear up confusion for readers: “Writers add sentences, as connectors, to show a transition for their readers.”

Revision Strategy Add a connector, a transitional sentence to guide your reader.

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Modeling

Display 5.9 Something’s Missing: Part I, which has a mentor paragraph that shows where a new transitional sentence needs to be inserted. “The writer of this paragraph needs to revise by adding a sentence that will connect ideas with a transition for the reader. Let’s look at this paragraph in which something’s missing.” Discuss the author’s message in the existing parts around the blank. Consider using her first name to show she’s a writer just like your students. Possible questions to prompt discussion: • What is Christina saying in the first sentence? What about the sentence after the blank? • What is Christina’s message in this paragraph? • What do you notice about the writing before/after the blank space? Model trying out one of the three starred sentence choices, reading it in the paragraph, and think aloud as to WHY this option works or doesn’t seem to work well. Invite your students to help you think through the addition of the other two starred sentence choices, keeping the conversation focused on WHY the author might choose or not choose to add the sentence rather than trying to select the right answer. After some time for conversation about the meaning and effect of each choice, reveal Christina Soontornvat’s original version with the display page 5.9 Something’s Missing: Part II. Use the reflective questions to guide a comparative analysis discussion: • Why do you think Christina used this sentence? • Do any of the other starred sentence options work? Why or why not? • Why do you think your choice was different from or the same as Christina’s?

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5.9

Something’s Missing: Part I Chapter 3: Invitation to ADD CONNECTORS Night misses his birthday party. His family grows worried as the evening goes on and he still doesn’t show up.

None of the boys had told their parents where they were going. The parents soon learn that their sons had messaged other members of the team to tell them of their plans to go to Tham Luang. Now the families’ worry turns to real fear.

Some of the parents have now gathered near the mouth of the cave. Calls are made among family members, who then call friends and teammates. His parents are having a party that evening, complete with food, a big cake, and lots of friends and family.

5.9

Something’s Missing: Part II The bolded sentence below is Christina Soontornvat’s choice for adding a transitional sentence in All Thirteen: The Incredible Cave Rescue of the Thai Boys’ Soccer Team:

Night misses his birthday party. His family grows worried as the evening goes on and he still doesn’t show up. Calls are made among family members, who then call friends and teammates. None of the boys had told their parents where they were going. The parents soon learn that their sons had messaged other members of the team to tell them of their plans to go to Tham Luang. Now the families’ worry turns to real fear.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author used this sentence?

• Do any of the other starred sentence options work? Why or why not??

• Why do you think your choice was different from or the same as the author’s?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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Collaborating Through Conversation

Display 5.9 Invitation to Add Connectors: Part I. In pairs or small groups, students collaborate through conversation with their peers to select the sentence they think best connects the information for the reader, paying attention to meaning and effect: what works, what doesn’t, and why. When ready, students compare their revision with others in class, discussing WHY they made their choices (Figure 5.9). To close the discussion, display 5.9 Invitation to Add Connectors Part II, to show the author’s original text for comparative analysis and use the reflective questions to facilitate a further conversation about meaning and effect.

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5.9

Invitation to Add Connectors: Part I In All Thirteen: The Incredible Cave Rescue of the Thai Boys’ Soccer Team, Christina Soontornvat continues to tell what happened as rescuers discover the boys and their coach are trapped in the flooded cave.

Chapter 3: Invitation to ADD CONNECTORS

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5.9

Invitation to Add Connectors: Part I

(continued)

• Read the following paragraph. Something is missing.

• Study what the paragraph is mainly describing.

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5 • Look closely at the sentences before the blank as well as the ones after the blank. 122

• Study the three starred sentences.

5.9

Invitation to Add Connectors: Part II

Original Text from All Thirteen: The Incredible Cave Rescue of the Thai Boys’ • Try each starred sentence in the blank and decide which one makes the most sense. Soccer Team

• Compare your version with other groups or pairs.

The governor of Chiang Rai province, Narongsak Osatanakorn, has arrived on-site. He calls a meeting for all the rescue workers in one of the park headquarters buildings. They agree to pause the rescue because it’s too dangerous to dive without proper equipment.

No one can go in or out without passing a checkpoint. The last step they agree to will fall on the governor’s shoulders to carry out: they must tell the parents that their children have been trapped by the floodwaters inside. Even though the families are sure to panic, they need to know the truth.

The bolded sentence below is Christina Soontornvat’s sentence choice for adding a transitional sentence in All Thirteen: The Incredible Cave Rescue of the Thai Boys’ Soccer Team: They know this cave well.

• Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text.

The governor of Chiang Rai province, Narongsak Osatanakorn, has arrived on-site. He calls a meeting for all the rescue workers in one of the park headquarters buildings. They agree to pause the rescue because it’s too dangerous to dive without proper equipment. They also agree that they must shut down the cave. No one can go in or out without passing a checkpoint. The last step they agree to will fall on the governor’s shoulders to carry out: they must tell the parents that their children have been trapped by the floodwaters inside. Even though the families are sure to panic, they need to know the truth.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author used this sentence? • Do any of the other starred sentence options work? Why or why not? • Why do you think your choice was different from or the same as the author’s?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

They also agree that they need to call someone who knows the cave better than anyone else.

They also agree that they must shut down the cave.

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Applying Revision

Students return to a piece of writing—either a draft or an entry from their notebook— and consider where they may need to add information. To help this process, invite them to use sticky notes to form a quick outline of their piece (or a piece they are planning) and consider how they could transition from one part of their outline to the next. Invite them to refer to their transition chart (Writers Connect Ideas and Link to the Next with Transitions on page 112) as a guide.

Figure 5.9 Fifth graders collaborate through conversation to determine which sentence works most effectively to transition and connect the ideas for the reader.

Chapter 3:

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Invitation to ADD CONNECTORS

Sharing Results

To celebrate their revisions, invite writers to share with someone in the class. Allow time for them to discuss their added sentences, phrases, or words with a classmate or small group, noting as they do the effects of the additions, and evaluating each version for meaning and effect. Take pictures or ask to keep a few examples as models of revision for future lessons, for this year and beyond.

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5.9

Something’s Missing: Part I

Night misses his birthday party. His family grows worried as the evening goes on and he still doesn’t show up.

None of the boys had told their parents where they were going. The parents soon learn that their sons had messaged other members of the team to tell them of their plans to go to Tham Luang. Now the families’ worry turns to real fear.



 Some of the parents have now gathered near the mouth of the cave.



 Calls are made among family members, who then call friends and teammates.



 His parents are having a party that evening, complete with food, a big cake, and lots of friends and family.

Chapter 3: Invitation to ADD CONNECTORS

5.9

Something’s Missing: Part II The bolded sentence below is Christina Soontornvat’s choice for adding a transitional sentence in All Thirteen: The Incredible Cave Rescue of the Thai Boys’ Soccer Team:

Night misses his birthday party. His family grows worried as the evening goes on and he still doesn’t show up. Calls are made among family members, who then call friends and teammates. None of the boys had told their parents where they were going. The parents soon learn that their sons had messaged other members of the team to tell them of their plans to go to Tham Luang. Now the families’ worry turns to real fear.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author used this sentence?

• Do any of the other starred sentence options work? Why or why not??

• Why do you think your choice was different from or the same as the author’s?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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5.9

Invitation to Add Connectors: Part I In All Thirteen: The Incredible Cave Rescue of the Thai Boys’ Soccer Team, Christina Soontornvat continues to tell what happened as rescuers discover the boys and their coach are trapped in the flooded cave.

• Read the following paragraph. Something is missing.

• Study what the paragraph is mainly describing.

• Look closely at the sentences before the blank as well as the ones after the blank.

• Study the three starred sentences.

• Try each starred sentence in the blank and decide which one makes the most sense.

• Compare your version with other groups or pairs.

• Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text.

Chapter 3:

Invitation to ADD CONNECTORS

5.9

Invitation to Add Connectors: Part I (continued)

The governor of Chiang Rai province, Narongsak Osatanakorn, has arrived on-site. He calls a meeting for all the rescue workers in one of the park headquarters buildings. They agree to pause the rescue because it’s too dangerous to dive without proper equipment.

No one can go in or out without passing a checkpoint. The last step they agree to will fall on the governor’s shoulders to carry out: they must tell the parents that their children have been trapped by the floodwaters inside. Even though the families are sure to panic, they need to know the truth.



 They know this cave well.



 They also agree that they need to call someone who knows the cave better than anyone else.



 They also agree that they must shut down the cave.

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5.9

Invitation to Add Connectors: Part II Original Text from All Thirteen: The Incredible Cave Rescue of the Thai Boys’ Soccer Team The bolded sentence below is Christina Soontornvat’s sentence choice for adding a transitional sentence in All Thirteen: The Incredible Cave Rescue of the Thai Boys’ Soccer Team:

The governor of Chiang Rai province, Narongsak Osatanakorn, has arrived on-site. He calls a meeting for all the rescue workers in one of the park headquarters buildings. They agree to pause the rescue because it’s too dangerous to dive without proper equipment. They also agree that they must shut down the cave. No one can go in or out without passing a checkpoint. The last step they agree to will fall on the governor’s shoulders to carry out: they must tell the parents that their children have been trapped by the floodwaters inside. Even though the families are sure to panic, they need to know the truth.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author used this sentence? • Do any of the other starred sentence options work? Why or why not? • Why do you think your choice was different from or the same as the author’s?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Part 2

REVISION

Through Sentence

COMBINING

Part 2 Putting

DRAFT

T

Together

eachers are often told to teach writing strategies, including those regarding revision, within context, but what does that mean exactly? In the context of literacy, our students need to write, read, talk, and think. In Part 2, students continue learning what writers do by exploring and examining texts written by published authors—texts they are already reading or want to read. But, at this point, we’re ready to level up those conversations as students try out the moves they’ve learned in earlier lessons in a cumulative way, combining ideas, sentences, words, and phrases while considering the best revisions for the message they are trying to convey. And, as they’ve done in every lesson up to this point, students will continue to talk through their choices with each other as they think about meaning and effect in their writing. The lessons in Part 2 offer a culmination of all the revision strategies we’ve introduced so far and are grounded in a powerful mnemonic—DRAFT (delete, rearrange, add connectors, form new verbs, and talk it out; page 128)—to remind intermediate writers of their options when revising. Notice, in this mnemonic, how the critical conversations we’ve centered student learning on across the lessons so far find a prominent placement, rounding things out as the final component—T for talk. The ten sentence-combining lessons that follow give fifth-grade writers additional application opportunities through larger, more open, interpretive experimentation to apply both what they intuitively know and the Patterns of Revision targeted structures they’ve encountered in earlier lessons. As you move into the second part of this book and its lessons, recognize that—at least initially—things could get messy. Take a close look at children who play with something for the first time—a toy, a video game, something that has to be put together. They mess around with it, trying it out in different ways to see what works. They learn to use the toy effectively, learn to play the game effectively, learn to build the model effectively. But this all We celebrate the comes after several starts and stops, messy mistakes, and realizations that only experimentation, the come with hands-on exploration. discovery, and the Through this play, this trial and error, comes effectiveness. approximations that And, in this same way, our writers will find success through the play they do with revision. Remember, writing is a process. Revision is part of may or may not also that process. The most important thing we can do when teaching students to come with errors. combine sentences is to resist the urge to fix and, instead, embrace the play involved in revising, helping students see the choices they have as writers. We celebrate the experimentation, the discovery, and the approximations that may or may not also come with errors. As we always say, “Mistakes are a sign of growth.” When learning something new, we have to try it out and even fail a few times before we get comfortable with it. It’s not always correct, but it gets better and more effective over time. Inviting students to try combining sentences in multiple ways allows for them to discover how some decisions make more meaning and have a stronger effect on the reader than others. This creates a flexible mindset, space for risk taking, and a pathway to a stronger craft of writing. So as students play with the choices they have as writers, relax. Breathe in the value of what they are doing. Trust where it will lead them.

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4

Invitation to COMBINE Read, read, read. Read everything . . . classics, good and bad, and see how they do it. Just like a carpenter who works as an apprentice and studies the master. Read! You’ll absorb it. Then write. If it’s good, you’ll find out. If it’s not, throw it out of the window.

N

– William Faulkner

ow that students have been introduced to the revision strategies of deleting, rearranging, adding, and talking it out, we use the largest of the lesson sets in this final chapter to give them practice applying the DRAFT mnemonic as a cumulative process to support sentence combining to revisee. (See the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard on page 128.) We also use these lessons to explore the F in DRAFT: Form new verbs. Verbs are where the action is. Wielding them effectively requires a certain degree of finesse. When combining sentences or ideas, writers will sometimes need to change the verb endings or form new verbs to match the structure of the revised sentence. We begin to dive into this strategy in Lessons 5.13, 5.14, and 5.15, where we look at participles. In each lesson in this chapter, you’ll likely find yourself discussing and modeling the possibility of changing the verbs as you talk out the process of combining sentences. This will prepare fifth graders for deeper levels of sophistication when they’re called to use this strategy in sixth grade and beyond. The sentence-combining lessons in this chapter are fertile ground for students to refine their skill of making choices and then evaluating them for effect. Expect students to do a lot of talking it out in every lesson in this chapter, like all the ones before it. More options can lead to more sharing, which in turn exposes writers to more possibilities and their effects. By this time, students know there isn’t one right answer but, rather, options that work better (or not). All the lessons in this chapter follow the same format. We share several sentences that have been pulled by deconstructing the model sentence. First we use DRAFT to discuss how we could combine the ideas into one sentence, then writers try out a different set of sentences in small groups or with partners. As with other lessons in this book, we conclude each interaction by inviting students to go back to their own writing, this time considering how they could combine some ideas to make their piece more concise and effective. And, as always, we encourage lots of time for sharing out loud and celebrating others’ versions to deepen the students’ understanding.

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REVISER’S DRAFTboard DELETE extra or repeated words

REARRANGE

DECISION Are there any words that seem extra or repeated?

DELETE

DECISION

ADD connectors

words or phrases and explore the effects

REARRANGE

Should anything be moved around to make it more effective?

DECISION Can I communicate more directly if I add a new word(s) or punctuation to show relationships?

TALK

FORM ADD

DECISION FORM

it out to see what changes make the most sense DECISION

new verbs if it will help smooth things out

Could I change the form of any verbs, like adding -ing, to make my sentence more fluent?

TALK

How does it sound? Does it make sense?

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

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5.10 Free to Combine with DRAFT: A Reviser’s Dashboard

Lesson Overview Revision goal connected to standards: Develop and strengthen writing by combining ideas to avoid redundancy, add clarity, and improve fluency.

Model Text Freewater – Written by Amina Luqman-Dawson

Teacher Considerations With this lesson, we begin revisiting the various ways students have learned to revise and how we can use these same strategies collectively to better combine our ideas and sentences. Behind the scenes, we have taken a sentence from Amina Luqman-Dawson’s award-winning Freewater and deconstructed it into several separate sentences. This lesson invites students to envision the details in the text and then try out various ways to arrange the actions into a single sentence. Since this lesson introduces DRAFT, the mnemonic we use for combining sentences, you’ll notice that we include more teacher guidance here than in the other lessons in this chapter. Talking it out throughout this lesson will be key for students. Invite them to talk out what is happening in the text, envisioning the actions and the order of the actions, and then ask students to rearrange words and sentences to create one effective, fluent sentence. Throughout the lesson, refer to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard. You may choose to display this chart in your classroom or have your students glue it into their notebooks. (See chart on page 128.) You will find that the combinations in this lesson don’t really lend themselves to forming new verbs, the strategy for F in DRAFT. Giving students a chance to combine ideas and sentences using the strategies they’ve Patterns of Power Lesson 6.3: learned so far (deleting, rearranging, adding) Have You Got the Time? Verb will set them up for immediate success prior Tense gives students examples to adding in the complexity of forming new of how authors list a series of verbs. Keep in mind that forming new verbs actions in the past tense. is a strategy that can be—but isn’t always— used when combining sentences.

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Setting the Context

In the prologue of Amina Luqman-Dawson’s Freewater, Sanzi lives in a secret community deep in the swamp called Freewater. She sneaks away at night to try to get a view of the plantation lands nearby, which remain a dangerous mystery to her. Explain this to your students and then read the following excerpt from the prologue of Freewater:

Tales had spread among the island children like herself about what lay in plantation lands: two-headed men, turtles without shells, and skeletons that rose from the dead. Although she was twelve and almost grown, at least in her mind, Sanzi still wasn’t sure how much of it was true, but she did believe that dangers lay out there.

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Then share with your students, “Amina Luqman-Dawson writes what Sanzi does next. One thing she can do as a writer is combine these actions into one sentence.” Display the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard chart, showing the DRAFT mnemonic, or invite students to refer to it in their notebook if they have it.

Revision Strategy

Use DRAFT to combine ideas and sentences.

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Invitation to COMBINE

Modeling

Use the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard along with printable 5.10 Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I to explore the four sentences that need to be combined into one. “There are four sentences here that show us what Sanzi does next. Let’s see if we can use DRAFT to help us combine the sentences into one. First let’s read aloud the sentences”:

As Sanzi contemplated that danger, she took a stone from her sack. The stone was walnut-shaped. Sanzi placed the stone in the well of her sling. She spun it overhead.

“Let’s spend some time talking out ways we could combine these sentences, using any of the DRAFT strategies that help.” Return to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard and work through its mnemonic as you show how to use DRAFT as a guide to combine the sentences. “Let’s start with deleting repetitive or unnecessary words. Do you see some words that are repeated? Talk it out with a neighbor. What else do you see is repeated?” Model how to cross out Sanzi in the third sentence and she in the fourth sentence, since they mean the same thing. You may also decide to cross through the stone in the second sentence since it is also repeated. “Now let’s see how we might rearrange and add connectors.” Talk through the possibilities. You may choose to write parts of the sentences on index cards to show how the words or phrases could physically be rearranged (Figure 5.10). Guide your students through a conversation about the possibilities, thinking aloud as you go. Try a few different combinations, possibly rearranging words and phrases in a variety of ways to discuss which one is more effective and why. One of the combinations you create might not make sense. That’s OK! Record it in the workspace provided on the printable and engage in conversation about why this wouldn’t be effective. Writers make mistakes and reflect on them.

(continues)

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Modeling (continued)

Once the students feel like they have an effective combination, reveal Amina LuqmanDawson’s original sentence. Invite students to compare and contrast their version with hers using 5.10 Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II, prompting things along with the following reflective questions as necessary: • Why do you think Amina combined the sentences in this way? • Is there another combination that would be effective? • Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as Amina’s? • If your combination was different from Amina’s, which do you prefer, and why?

Figure 5.10 This teacher has written parts of the sentences on index cards for students to help her physically manipulate the rearranging of words before adding connectors.

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5.10 Printable

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I 136

As Sanzi contemplated that danger, she took a stone from her sack. The stone was walnut-shaped. Sanzi placed the stone in the well of her sling. She spun it overhead.

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.10

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II The following sentence is Amina Luqman-Dawson’s combined sentence from Freewater:

As Sanzi contemplated that danger, she took a walnut-shaped stone from her sack, placed it in the well of her sling, and spun it overhead.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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Collaborating Through Conversation

Distribute the printable 5.10 Invitation to Combine: Part I to each student. Following the directions on the printable and using DRAFT, students collaborate through conversations with one or more classmates to combine the sentences into one. They may decide to write the parts of the sentences on index cards so they can be easily rearranged. Invite them to record their possibilities on the lines provided on the printable or a dry erase board. When ready, students compare their choices with other partnerships or groups. For comparative analysis, use the printable 5.10 Invitation to Combine: Part II to share the author’s original text. Use the reflective questions at the bottom of the printable to facilitate a conversation about meaning and effect.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.10 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I (continued)

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

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Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

5.10 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I 5.10

In the prologue of Amina Luqman-Dawson’s Freewater, Sanzi has placed a stone inside a sling while trying to get a glimpse of the mysterious plantation lands through the thick fog of the swamp.

Invitation to Combine: Part II Original Text from Freewater

Read each of these sentences below. Refer to DRAFT on your Reviser’s Dashboard.

The sentence below shows Amina Luqman-Dawson’s combined sentence in Freewater:

Combine these three sentences into one:

With a dream of adventure and a flick of her wrist, she released the sling and watched the stone soar high in the air. She watched the stone catch the moonlight. She watched the stone disappear into the cauldron of fog below.

• When you finish, read your new sentence aloud to your group to see if the revised combination works. • Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class.

With a dream of adventure and a flick of her wrist, she released the sling and watched the stone soar high in the air, catch the moonlight, and disappear into the cauldron of fog below.

• Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

(continues)

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Applying Revision

Students return to their own writing to play with different sentence combinations, using the DRAFT strategies. It may be helpful for writers to invite a partner to help, reading their writing aloud, listening for repetition or ideas that could be combined. Some students may notice they haven’t used any type of punctuation in their original writing, making this the perfect time to consider combining options, as they’ll likely notice several ideas that may need to be revised into their own sentences or combined sentences—requiring some intentional punctuation work. Students notice the different effects and choose the combinations that provide the most clarity for the reader.

Sharing Results

Students share their revisions in small groups. Invite them to highlight their favorite combination and write why it is their favorite on a sticky note. For further celebration, hang the writing pieces with the attached sticky notes in the hallway so others can see the magic that happens with revision.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE 5.10 Printable

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I

As Sanzi contemplated that danger, she took a stone from her sack. The stone was walnut-shaped. Sanzi placed the stone in the well of her sling. She spun it overhead.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.10

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II The following sentence is Amina Luqman-Dawson’s combined sentence from Freewater:

As Sanzi contemplated that danger, she took a walnut-shaped stone from her sack, placed it in the well of her sling, and spun it overhead.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Chapter 4:

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Invitation to COMBINE

5.10 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I In the prologue of Amina Luqman-Dawson’s Freewater, Sanzi has placed a stone inside a sling while trying to get a glimpse of the mysterious plantation lands through the thick fog of the swamp.

Read each of these sentences below. Refer to DRAFT on your Reviser’s Dashboard.



Combine these three sentences into one:

With a dream of adventure and a flick of her wrist, she released the sling and watched the stone soar high in the air. She watched the stone catch the moonlight. She watched the stone disappear into the cauldron of fog below.

(continues)

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.10 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I (continued)

• When you finish, read your new sentence aloud to your group to see if the revised combination works. • Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class. • Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

5.10

Invitation to Combine: Part II Original Text from Freewater The sentence below shows Amina Luqman-Dawson’s combined sentence in Freewater:

With a dream of adventure and a flick of her wrist, she released the sling and watched the stone soar high in the air, catch the moonlight, and disappear into the cauldron of fog below.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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5.11 There Is No One and Only Combination Lesson Overview Revision goal connected to standards: Develop and strengthen writing by combining ideas to avoid redundancy, add clarity, and improve fluency.

Model Text The One and Only Ruby – Written by Katherine Applegate

Teacher Considerations Now that your fifth graders have had an opportunity to for practice combining ideas into a sentence with a series and nor of actions using DRAFT, we use this lesson to showcase Sentence but sentence . or joining two sentences with a comma and coordinating yet so Patterns of conjunction to form a compound sentence. If you haven’t yet introduced your fifth graders to the compound sentence structure, you may want to take some time to study Compound sentence . it along with the FANBOYS mnemonic (see image at right) before continuing with this lesson (see The Connectors chart on page 151). This mnemonic device cues writers to consider many options for creating compound sentences. In this revision lesson, students will discover that multiple separate sentences can be merged together into one, and they will also rearrange details and consider the placement of those details within each part of the compound sentence. We use The One and Only Ruby, a beautifully crafted sequel to Katherine Applegate’s The One and Only Ivan and The One and Only Bob, to showcase this revision strategy.

,

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Revision: Grade 3

The Connectors

Prepositions

What do they do? They show time and place as well as introduce examples, contrasts, or comparisons.

Function

Subordinating Conjunctions (AAAWWUBBIS)

Although As After While When Until Because Before© Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson If Since

Example

Time

at, in, on

Extended Time

by, during, for, from, since, to, until, with(in)

Direction

in, into, on, onto, to, toward

Location

above, across, against, ahead of, along, among, around, at, behind, below, beneath, beside, between, by, from, in, inside, near, of, off, on, out, over, through, toward, under, within

What do they do? They show relationships, sometimes making one idea more or less important.

Function

Introduce Examples and Comparisons or Contrasts

as, despite, except, for, like, of, per, than, with, without

Example

Time

after, before, during, since, until, when, whenever, while

Cause-Effect

as, because, since, so

Opposition

although, even though, though, whatever, while

Condition

as long as, if, in order to, unless, until, whatever

Relative Pronouns

What do they do? Introduce and link additional information to the noun before it.

Function

Link ideas and things to more detail Link people to more detail

For And Nor But Or Yet So

that, what, which

who, whoever, whom, whose

Connector Punctuation

What do they do? They combine, introduce, and enclose information.

Combines

Coordinating Conjunctions (FANBOYS)

Example

Introduces

Comma ,

Encloses

What do they do? They make connections that are equal to each other. They join sentences (thereby making compound sentences), and they can show a relationship between a pair or a list.

Function

Example

Comma ,

Combine

and

Dash —

Dash —

Dash —

Opposition

but, nor, yet

Semicolon ;

Colon :

Parentheses ( )

Cause-Effect

for, so

Quotation Marks “ ”

Choice

or

From Patterns of Revision, Grade 3. Stenhouse Publishers ©2019 by Jeff Anderson and Whitney La Rocca from Patterns of Power, Student Notebook. Portsmouth, NH: Stenhouse Publishers. May be photocopied for classroom use only.

Patterns of Power Lessons 18.1, 18.2, 18.3, 18.4, and 18.5 invite students to dive deep into the compound sentence pattern, using the coordinating conjunctions, or FANBOYS, that are also used in this revision lesson.

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Setting the Context

The One and Only Ruby is told from the main character’s (Ruby the elephant) point of view. To set a context for students, you may choose to read the summary of the book on the book jacket or explain that in this part of the book, Ruby reflects on her earlier life when she roamed the land of Africa with Aunt Stella, an older elephant with whom she was caged in The One and Only Ivan. Then read the excerpt below from page 48 in The One and Only Ruby:

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“I used to love night walking,” Aunt Stella told me one time. “Nobody talking, just the sound of our feet moving and moving and moving like a heartbeat. It was like we’d become one giant animal. The herd heart, my grandmother used to call it.”

Then share with your students, “Katherine Applegate wants to write what happens next, from Ruby’s point of view. To do so, she can combine her ideas into one sentence.”

Revision Strategy Use DRAFT to combine ideas and sentences.

Modeling

Use the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard along with the printable page 5.11 Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I to explore the four sentences that you’ll combine into a compound sentence. “There are four sentences here that show Katherine Applegate’s ideas in The One and Only Ruby. Let’s play around with revision and see if we can make these four sentences into one. First let’s read aloud the sentences.”

Her voice had a sound to it.

I patted her with my trunk.

The sound was lonely.

My trunk was little.

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Modeling (continued)

“Hmm, let’s think through what Katherine is describing and spend some time talking out ways we could combine these sentences, remembering that we can use any of the DRAFT strategies to help revise the sentences into one.” Guide the discussion as students consider how they might combine the sentences. “Do you see words that are repeated? Talk it out.” As you model combining with DRAFT, explain that you notice two different subjects: her voice and I. “OK, so we know we have two different subjects, so let’s break apart our combinations first. Let’s use DRAFT to try out two different combinations that we will eventually bring together somehow.” Review the DRAFT mnemonic. Honor the suggestions writers share, writing down some possibilities on the workspace of the printable, thinking aloud as you write. Then work through combining the two big, contrasting ideas together into one sentence. “What connector word could we add? Let’s look at the FANBOYS on our Connectors chart. What about punctuation? Is there anything else we can rearrange? Let’s talk it out.” Providing a list of connector words as well as the compound sentence visual will help students talk through this revision. (See The Connectors printable on page 151 and the compound sentence visual on page 141.) Although we will not form new verbs in this lesson, invite your students to consider what the verbs are and how they are used. How can they be used in the new combination? Keep in mind, the purpose of this discussion and revision practice is not to perfectly match Applegate’s actual text. It’s about meaning and effect, rather than right or wrong. Writers have choices. The important work the students do here is considering their options and talking through the possibilities. Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I When ready, reveal the author’s original sentence using the display page 5.11 Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II and compare and contrast the class version with Katherine Applegate’s, using the reflective questions as a guide: • Why do you think Katherine combined the sentences in this way? • Is there another combination that Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II would be effective? • Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as Katherine’s? • If your combination was different from Katherine’s, which do you prefer, and why? Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

146

5.11 Printable

Her voice had a sound to it. The sound was lonely.

I patted her with my trunk. My trunk was little.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

147

5.11

The following sentence is Katherine Applegate’s compound sentence from The One and Only Ruby:

Her voice had a lonely sound to it, so I patted her with my little trunk.

by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group. Reflective Questions on Meaning and© 2024 Effect

• Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

144

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Collaborating Through Conversation

Distribute the printable 5.11 Invitation to Combine: Part I to each student. Following the directions provided along with DRAFT, students collaborate through conversation with one or more classmates to combine the sentences into one. Invite them to take a moment to really consider what Katherine wants her readers to know in the sentences, taking into consideration who or what the subject is and if there is more than one subject. Remind them that the moon’s name is Mwezi (we’ve shared this on the printable for them). As they use DRAFT, invite them to refer to the compound sentence visual. We’ve added a little more complexity to this part so students can play with combining to show possession. Enjoy the conversation as students talk it out, using the workspace on their printable to jot down their possibilities. Keep in mind that the goal is not to get the exact same version as the author but rather to have strong conversations about meaning and effect, what could work and what might not. When ready, students compare their choices with other partnerships or groups. Then display 5.11 Invitation to Combine: Part II to reveal the author’s original text for comparative analysis. Use the reflective questions to facilitate a conversation about meaning and effect.

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5.11 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I (continued)

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.11 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I

5.11

Invitation to Combine: Part II Original Text from The One and Only Ruby

Read each of these sentences below. Refer to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard. Combine these four sentences into one:

The clouds parted. It happened for a moment.

• When you finish, read your new sentence aloud to your group to see if the revised combination works.

The light belonged to Mwezi. The light blanketed our cage.

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

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In The One and Only Ruby, Ruby remembers a conversation she had as young elephant with Aunt Stella, an older elephant with whom she was once caged. During their conversation, the elephants share their stories of roaming Africa and how much Aunt Stella loved night walking. Once caged, she was reminded of this walking whenever she caught sight of the moon. Because this reminded her of Africa, Aunt Stella named the moon Mwezi.

• Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class.

The sentence below shows Katherine Applegate’s combined sentence in The One and Only Ruby:

The clouds parted for a moment, and Mwezi’s light blanketed our cage.

• Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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Applying Revision

Students return to their own writing, either a nonfiction draft they are working on, a reading response, a story, or anything in their writer’s notebook that allows them to play with different sentence combinations using the DRAFT strategies. Since this lesson focuses on combining to form compound sentences, invite students to look for sentences that are related in some way, even if they have different subjects. They can refer to the compound sentence visual with the FANBOYS to consider the connectors they might use to combine their sentences. Students notice the different effects. They may choose to form compound sentences, but they may not. If students have a hard time finding sentences in their own writing to combine, invite them to choose one part of their piece to focus on. Cue them with questions such as: “Is there a sentence that can be added to this part? What detail could be added to help the reader understand the message more clearly? Can that addition be combined with a sentence already in the piece?” Invite students to talk it out with a partner as needed.

Sharing Results

Students share their revisions in small groups, explaining the parts of DRAFT they chose to use. As a group, students discuss how their revisions made their writing more effective. Use the guiding questions as needed: • Did you choose to delete anything? Why or why not? • What connectors did you choose to add? Why? • What made you decide to combine those ideas into one sentence? • What was the best revision you made today? Why do you think so?

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5.11 Printable

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I

Her voice had a sound to it. The sound was lonely. I patted her with my trunk. My trunk was little.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Chapter 4:

Invitation to COMBINE

5.11

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II The following sentence is Katherine Applegate’s compound sentence from The One and Only Ruby:

Her voice had a lonely sound to it, so I patted her with my little trunk.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.11 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I In The One and Only Ruby, Ruby remembers a conversation she had as young elephant with Aunt Stella, an older elephant with whom she was once caged. During their conversation, the elephants share their stories of roaming Africa and how much Aunt Stella loved night walking. Once caged, she was reminded of this walking whenever she caught sight of the moon. Because this reminded her of Africa, Aunt Stella named the moon Mwezi.

Read each of these sentences below. Refer to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard.



Combine these four sentences into one:

The clouds parted.

The light belonged to Mwezi.

It happened for a moment.

The light blanketed our cage.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE 5.11 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I (continued)

• When you finish, read your new sentence aloud to your group to see if the revised combination works. • Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class. • Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

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5.11

Invitation to Combine: Part II Original Text from The One and Only Ruby The sentence below shows Katherine Applegate’s combined sentence in The One and Only Ruby:

The clouds parted for a moment, and Mwezi’s light blanketed our cage.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Chapter 4:

151

Invitation to COMBINE

The Connectors Prepositions What do they do? They show time and place as well as introduce examples, contrasts, or comparisons.

Function

Subordinating Conjunctions (AAAWWUBBIS) Although As After While When Until Because Before If Since

Example

Time

at, in, on

Extended Time

by, during, for, from, since, to, until, with(in)

Direction

What do they do? They show relationships, sometimes making one idea more or less important.

in, into, on, onto, to, toward

Function

above, across, against, ahead of, along, among, around, at, behind, below, beneath, beside, between, by, from, in, inside, near, of, off, on, out, over, through, toward, under, within

Location

Introduce Examples and Comparisons or Contrasts

as, despite, except, for, like, of, per, than, with, without

Example

Time

after, before, during, since, until, when, whenever, while

Cause-Effect

as, because, since, so

Opposition

although, even though, though, whatever, while

Condition

as long as, if, in order to, unless, until, whatever

Relative Pronouns

What do they do? Introduce and link additional information to the noun before it.

Function

For And Nor But Or Yet So

Example

Link ideas and things to more detail

that, what, which

Link people to more detail

who, whoever, whom, whose

Connector Punctuation

What do they do? They combine, introduce, and enclose information.

Combines

Coordinating Conjunctions (FANBOYS)

Introduces

Comma ,

Encloses

What do they do? They make connections that are equal to each other. They join sentences (thereby making compound sentences), and they can show a relationship between a pair or a list.

Function

Example

Comma ,

Combine

and

Dash —

Dash —

Dash —

Opposition

but, nor, yet

Semicolon ;

Colon :

Parentheses ( )

Cause-Effect

for, so

Quotation Marks “ ”

Choice

or

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.12 Accidental Complex Sentence Writers Lesson Overview Revision goal connected to standards: Develop and strengthen writing by combining ideas to avoid redundancy, add clarity, and improve fluency.

Model Text Accidental Archaeologists: True Stories of Unexpected Discoveries – Written by Sarah Albee – Illustrated by Nathan Hackett 142

Teacher Considerations

Patterns of Revision: Grade 3 The Connectors

We use this lesson to invite students to create complex sentences while combining ideas. It will be important to continue the use of The Connectors chart alongside the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard as students work through the choices they have as writers. You may choose to focus their attention on the connectors that are listed in the chart under the subheading Subordinating Conjunctions and Function/Examples. Most likely, you’ve introduced your fifth graders to AAAWWUBBIS, the mnemonic that helps students remember subordinating conjunctions often used to compose a complex sentence. The most important thing here is for students to consider which connectors would work best to combine the ideas. We recommend using the opener-sentence pattern Other Sentence Patterns visual to help students form complex sentences.

Subordinating Conjunctions (AAAWWUBBIS)

Prepositions

What do they do? They show time and place as well as introduce examples, contrasts, or comparisons.

Function

Although As After While When Until Because Before If Since

Example

Time

at, in, on

Extended Time

by, during, for, from, since, to, until, with(in)

Direction

in, into, on, onto, to, toward

Location

above, across, against, ahead of, along, among, around, at, behind, below, beneath, beside, between, by, from, in, inside, near, of, off, on, out, over, through, toward, under, within

Introduce Examples and Comparisons or Contrasts

What do they do? They show relationships, sometimes making one idea more or less important.

as, despite, except, for, like, of, per, than, with, without

Function

Example

Time

after, before, during, since, until, when, whenever, while

Cause-Effect

as, because, since, so

Opposition

although, even though, though, whatever, while

Condition

as long as, if, in order to, unless, until, whatever

Relative Pronouns

What do they do? Introduce and link additional information to the noun before it.

Function

Coordinating Conjunctions (FANBOYS) For And Nor But Or Yet So

Example

Link ideas and things to more detail

that, what, which

Link people to more detail

What do they do? They make connections that are equal to each other. They join sentences (thereby making compound sentences), and they can show a relationship between a pair or a list.

who, whoever, whom, whose

Connector Punctuation

What do they do? They combine, introduce, and enclose information.

Combines

Introduces

Comma ,

Encloses

Function

Example

Comma ,

Combine

and

Dash —

Dash —

Dash —

Opposition

but, nor, yet

Semicolon ;

Colon :

Parentheses ( )

Cause-Effect

for, so

Quotation Marks “ ”

Choice

or

,

Opener sentence

.

From Patterns of Revision, Grade 3. Stenhouse Publishers ©2019 by Jeff Anderson and Whitney La Rocca from Patterns of Power, Student Notebook. Portsmouth, NH: Stenhouse Publishers. May be photocopied for classroom use only.

Sen

, interrupter, tence .

Patterns of Power Lessons 20.1, 20.2, 20.3, 20.4, and 20.5 give fifth graders more opportunities to explore complex sentence patterns as Sentence well as the use and placement of subordinating conjunctions,closer referred to as AAAWWUBBIS words.

,

.

© Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

153

Setting the Context

In Accidental Archaeologists, Sarah Albee shares true stories of surprise discoveries made by people throughout history. Chapter 1 is about the discoveries of the ancient towns in Rome—Herculaneum and Pompeii—both buried by the Mount Vesuvius eruption. To set a context, share this with your students and read the excerpt below from Chapter 1:

Under a thick layer of dust and ash, the excavators are surprised to find most of Pompeii is still in pretty good shape. Also, it’s not buried as deeply as Herculaneum, so it’s easier to uncover. The foreigners are eventually driven out of Italy. Over the next hundred years or so, excavations at the site of Pompeii—and to a lesser extent the harder-to-reach Herculaneum—are conducted more carefully. Finally, actual archaeologists take charge. Their goal is to learn about the ancient past rather than merely to plunder treasure.

ˮ

Then share with your students, “Sarah Albee continues to tell us what happens next. Let’s take a look at the details she chose and then combine these details into one sentence.”

Revision Strategy Use DRAFT to combine ideas and sentences.

Modeling

Use the DRAFT chart along with the printable 5.12 Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I to explore the four parts of the unrevised original sentence that need to be combined into one. “There are four sentences here that show Sarah’s ideas in Accidental Archaeologists. Let’s play around with revision, using DRAFT, and see if we can combine these four sentences into one. First let’s read them aloud and think about what they are telling us. What relationship do you see among the ideas?” (continues)

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

154

Modeling (continued)

The eruption of Vesuvius happened unexpectedly. The eruption of Vesuvius buried these towns relatively quickly. Details about life in ancient Rome have been preserved. These details are amazing. “OK, so we notice that Sarah shares some information about the eruption of Vesuvius—it happened unexpectedly and it buried the towns quickly—and she shares other information about the details about life in ancient Rome being preserved as a result, or an effect of this quick burial. Let’s spend some time talking out different ways we could combine these sentences, remembering that we can use any of the DRAFT strategies to help.” Review the DRAFT mnemonic as needed, and guide students to the right-hand side of The Connectors chart (found on page 151) to explore their options for adding connectors as they merge the ideas presented. Model how to combine the sentences, saying things like, “I see the phrase The eruption of Vesuvius twice. I’m sure I could revise this so there is only one phrase that says this. Talk it out with a neighbor. What else do you see? How could we rearrange the words and add connectors? Let’s look at The Connectors chart to see some of our options.” Begin recording some ideas presented, modeling how to record and play with the possibilities (Figure 5.12, page 156). Continue the conversation while referring to DRAFT, noting that some choices might cause the sentence to sound repetitive or even choppy. Invite students to look at the AAAWWUBBIS words and talk through the possibilities. Most likely, your writers will find several options that could work. Honor their suggestions, recording the new sentences on the printable. Then ask which feels most effective and if there are other ways to rearrange these ideas. This conversation will show that writers have choices, and it is up to them to determine which options sound best when read aloud. Once the students feel like they have an effective combination, reveal Sarah Albee’s original sentence using the display page 5.12 Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II. Invite writers to compare and contrast their version with Sarah’s, using her first name when prompting to show that she is a writer just like the writers in your class: • Why do you think Sarah combined the sentences in this way? • Is there another combination that would be effective? • Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as Sarah’s? • If your combination was different from Sarah’s, which do you prefer, and why? Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

5.12 Printable

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I

The eruption of Vesuvius happened unexpectedly.

The eruption of Vesuvius buried these towns relatively quickly. Details about life in ancient Rome have been preserved. These details are amazing.

158

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.12

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II

The following sentence is Sarah Albee’s combined sentence from Accidental Archaeologists:

Because the eruption of Vesuvius had happened unexpectedly and buried these towns relatively quickly, amazing details about life in ancient Rome have been preserved.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect

• Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

157

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

155

Collaborating Through Conversation

Distribute the printable 5.12 Invitation to Combine: Part I to each student. Following the directions provided and using DRAFT, students collaborate through conversation with one or more classmates to combine the sentences into one. Remind them to think about the relationships among the ideas when grouping and rearranging words. Cue students to use The Connectors chart to try out different conjunctions, focusing particularly on the subordinating conjunctions. When ready, writers compare their choices with other partnerships or groups. Then display 5.12 Invitation to Combine: Part II to share the author’s original text for comparative analysis. Use the reflective questions to facilitate a conversation about meaning and effect.

160

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.12 159 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I (continued)

5.12 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I In Chapter 1 of Sarah Albee’s Accidental Archaeologists, we learn about Pompeii and Herculaneum, the ancient towns that were buried by the eruption of Mount Vesuvius. It wasn’t until the 1980s that remains were found in Herculaneum. Combine the sentences below to find out how these remains were found.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

Read each of these sentences below. Refer to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard. Combine these four sentences into one:

5.12

Invitation to Combine: Part II Original Text from Accidental Archaeologists

Workers installed a drainage pipe.

The sentence below shows Sarah Albee’s combined sentence in Accidental Archaeologists:

The drainage pipe was installed near the area of a shoreline. The shoreline was ancient.

As workers installed a drainage pipe near the area of the ancient shoreline, they uncovered some human skeletons.

The workers uncovered some human skeletons.

• When you finish, read your new sentence aloud to your group to see if the revised combination works. Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class. • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way? • Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text. • Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s? © 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

(continues)

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

161

156

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Applying Revision

Students return to their own writing to play with different sentence combinations using the DRAFT strategies. Since this lesson focuses on combining ideas into a complex sentence, invite students to try using different subordinating conjunctions, or AAAWWUBBIS words, as their connectors. Students should notice the different effects of their choices. If they have a hard time finding sentences in their own writing to combine, invite them to create a practice box for combining their thinking. A box can be drawn directly onto the page or writers can practice on a sticky note. Students think about two or three additional things they want their reader to know and either combine those thoughts into a new sentence or incorporate them into a sentence they have already written. For example, they may choose to write a sentence about the setting or the character if they are writing narratives. Or, if they are writing an informational piece, they might write an additional The, lr'�io� of v'ISIA.V ;L'S �-ntJL sentence of combined ideas about IJ,t\t¥pt cleJ _l� �r•t.J.. -\-h.e.se. A the topic. Perhaps they’ll choose to +ownt:1 �•c,"-' , so �� tlj dth,ils work this new revision somewhere J A\,f,.J,, \� fe if\. A Wl.,i �-t fto� l\a� into their writing, or they may \)ut'\. fJf't se." vul· not. Either way, they have had the opportunity to practice combining and making choices. Figure 5.12 With help from her students, this teacher recorded possible revisions while modeling on her whiteboard, honoring those that she knew weren’t correct to model the thinking process that comes with revision.

� i o"" o-' Vtsuviu. S Tht., I> 'II, t>&,e.cl&J. e,,c-� h��a.,.i.se, �,.i,d -+Mse. .�11\rs ¥'�k.-t!j c:\fA.AA \s a,�o� \1 � IA Q,llGit"-"'�MQ. �i� h4"� L,,ee� pr�ser-'1e.cl. f\o�� ��:; S, � W'��ed-e.d u�iot'\. o-4? \/t5M.Vi,.,.,$ b�� 1-Mst.. -I-owns �dl !D AMA.z.,' ,lt,fa,1/5 �4,o..,,..,, J,fe,_ i� 4UA�� 'j

FLCW\e.., Wt� We"- ?trc.serve.d.

Sharing Results

Students fold a blank piece of paper in half. On the top half, they record their unrevised ideas or sentences. On the bottom half, they record their newly revised combination. After some time for sharing with each other, hang their revisions in the classroom or hallway for others to celebrate. This can also be done digitally if you have the technology to do so.

Chapter 4:

Invitation to COMBINE

5.12 Printable

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I

The eruption of Vesuvius happened unexpectedly. The eruption of Vesuvius buried these towns relatively quickly. Details about life in ancient Rome have been preserved. These details are amazing.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

157

158

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.12

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II The following sentence is Sarah Albee’s combined sentence from Accidental Archaeologists:

Because the eruption of Vesuvius had happened unexpectedly and buried these towns relatively quickly, amazing details about life in ancient Rome have been preserved.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

159

5.12 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I In Chapter 1 of Sarah Albee’s Accidental Archaeologists, we learn about Pompeii and Herculaneum, the ancient towns that were buried by the eruption of Mount Vesuvius. It wasn’t until the 1980s that remains were found in Herculaneum. Combine the sentences below to find out how these remains were found.

Read each of these sentences below. Refer to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard.



Combine these four sentences into one:

Workers installed a drainage pipe. The drainage pipe was installed near the area of a shoreline. The shoreline was ancient. The workers uncovered some human skeletons.

(continues)

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

160

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.12 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I (continued)

• When you finish, read your new sentence aloud to your group to see if the revised combination works. • Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class. • Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Chapter 4:

Invitation to COMBINE

5.12

Invitation to Combine: Part II Original Text from Accidental Archaeologists The sentence below shows Sarah Albee’s combined sentence in Accidental Archaeologists:

As workers installed a drainage pipe near the area of the ancient shoreline, they uncovered some human skeletons.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

161

162

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.13 Sticking Your Neck Out: Introducing the Formation of New Verbs

Lesson Overview Revision goal connected to standards: Develop and strengthen writing by combining ideas to avoid redundancy, add clarity, and improve fluency.

Model Text Totally Random Facts, Volume 1: 3,128 Wild, Wacky, and Wondrous Things About the World – Written by Melina Gerosa Bellows

Teacher Considerations With this lesson, we deepen the level of sentence combining with our fifth graders and introduce the F in DRAFT: Form new verbs. Because we invite students to think about changing the verb endings by using -ing, and ultimately composing a sentence with participles, you’ll notice that we include more teacher guidance in this lesson. As with all of our combining lessons, we have taken a sentence, this time from the browsable nonfiction book by Melina Gerosa Bellows: Totally Random Facts, Volume 1, and deconstructed it into several separate sentences. Invite writers to consider the sentences as they move through the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard, looking for ways they can revise the collection into one sentence. You may choose to display the Form New Verbs chart, or have students glue it into their notebooks. (See chart on page 176.) Although this lesson introduces F in DRAFT: Form new verbs, keep in mind that this is a strategy that can be—but isn’t always—used.

Possibilities for Forming New Verbs Unrevised Text

Revised Text

First Attempts

with New Verbs Formed

Regular Past Tense Verb I walked around the block instead of doing my chores and homework.

Repetitious

I walk around the block. I try to get out of doing my chores. I try to get out of doing my homework.

Passive

(The action is being done by the subject) My homework was avoided by my walk around the block.

Infinitives

(revise VS to revise) I decided to walk around the block instead of doing my chores and homework.

Participles (-ing verbs)

I walk around the block, trying to get out of doing my chores and homework.

Active

(The subject is doing the action) I avoided my homework with a walk around the block.

Forming New Verbs Revision Process • Underline any verbs. • Think about the meaning of the sentence(s). • Search for ways to connect related ideas with participles, active verbs, or infinitives. • See if you can try to compress repetition by changing at least one verb form. Though verb form most often deals with tense, such as past, present, and future, here we know that would change the meaning significantly. Unless we need to shift text for style reasons, we don’t get tense about tense. We only change tense to aid agreement in a piece of text.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

163

Setting the Context

In Totally Random Facts, Volume 1, Melina Gerosa Bellows shares over 3,000 facts about pretty much everything all over the world. Melissa Stewart and Marlene Correia, authors of 5 Kinds of Nonfiction: Enriching Reading and Writing Instruction with Children’s Books (2021), categorize this type of informational text as browseable nonfiction. Because it’s so highly engaging for many fifth-grade readers, we wanted to use this book as a mentor for sentence combining. To set a context for combining sentences in this lesson, read aloud a few of the facts listed about giraffes from Totally Random Facts, Volume 1:

ˮ

There are four different kinds of giraffes: northern, southern, reticulated, and Masai. Most giraffes live in grasslands and woodlands throughout Africa. Giraffes bellow, snort, hiss, hum, and make flutelike sounds.

Explain, “Here, we learn some facts about giraffes in Totally Random Facts, Volume 1. Melina Gerosa Bellows has additional facts about giraffes to share with us. One thing writers can do when they revise is take short sentences or ideas with repetitive information and combine them into one.” Display the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard chart, showing the DRAFT mnemonic, or invite students to refer to it in their notebook if they have it. “Writers, remember that we can use DRAFT to combine some sentences or ideas. We’re going Revision Strategy to try it out with some ideas from Totally Random Use DRAFT to combine Facts, Volume 1.” ideas and sentences.

Modeling

Use the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard, along with printable 5.13 Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I, to explore the three sentences that need to be combined into one. “There are three sentences here about the giraffe. Let’s see if we can use DRAFT to help us combine the sentences into one. First let’s read aloud the sentences”: (continues)

164

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Modeling (continued)

A giraffe has a system of blood vessels. The system of blood vessels is beneath each patch on a giraffe’s coat. The system of blood vessels allows each patch to release body heat. 142

Patterns of Revision: Grade 3

“Let’s spend some time talking out ways we could combine The Connectors these sentences, using any of the DRAFT strategies that help.” Return to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard and work through its mnemonic as you review how to use DRAFT as a guide to combine the sentences. “D means Delete repetitive words. Do you see some words that are repeated? Talk it out with a neighbor. What else do you see is repeated?” Model how to cross through repetitive words like system of blood vessels in the second and third sentences. “Now let’s think about how we might rearrange the words we have left. Do we need to add connectors? Remember that connectors are both words and punctuation marks. Let’s talk this out.” Your students may already have The Connectors chart glued into their notebooks, or you may have it hanging in your classroom. If not, the printable can be found on page 151. Think aloud as you model the play of rearranging and adding connectors. Write out some of the possibilities in the workspace provided on the printable. After each one, read it aloud and orally share your thinking process as you continue to play some more. Perhaps you say, “OK, this one makes sense, but I wonder if I could rearrange some more or use a different connector to make it even more effective. Let me try . . .” Some examples may include: Prepositions

What do they do? They show time and place as well as introduce examples, contrasts, or comparisons.

Function

Subordinating Conjunctions (AAAWWUBBIS) Although As After While When Until Because Before If Since

Example

Time

at, in, on

Extended Time

by, during, for, from, since, to, until, with(in)

Direction

in, into, on, onto, to, toward

What do they do? They show relationships, sometimes making one idea more or less important.

Function

above, across, against, ahead of, along, among, around, at, behind, below, beneath, beside, between, by, from, in, inside, near, of, off, on, out, over, through, toward, under, within

Location

Introduce Examples and Comparisons or Contrasts

as, despite, except, for, like, of, per, than, with, without

Example

Time

after, before, during, since, until, when, whenever, while

Cause-Effect

as, because, since, so

Opposition

although, even though, though, whatever, while

Condition

as long as, if, in order to, unless, until, whatever

Relative Pronouns

What do they do? Introduce and link additional information to the noun before it.

Function

Link ideas and things to more detail Link people to more detail

For And Nor But Or Yet So

that, what, which

who, whoever, whom, whose

Connector Punctuation

What do they do? They combine, introduce, and enclose information.

Combines

Coordinating Conjunctions (FANBOYS)

Example

Introduces

Comma ,

Encloses

What do they do? They make connections that are equal to each other. They join sentences (thereby making compound sentences), and they can show a relationship between a pair or a list.

Function

Example

Comma ,

Combine

and

Dash —

Dash —

Dash —

Opposition

but, nor, yet

Semicolon ;

Colon :

Parentheses ( )

Cause-Effect

for, so

Quotation Marks “ ”

Choice

or

From Patterns of Revision, Grade 3. Stenhouse Publishers ©2019 by Jeff Anderson and Whitney La Rocca from Patterns of Power, Student Notebook. Portsmouth, NH: Stenhouse Publishers. May be photocopied for classroom use only.

A giraffe has a system of blood vessels that is beneath each patch on a giraffe’s coat, and it allows each patch to release body heat. There is a system of blood vessels beneath each patch on a giraffe’s coat, and it allows it to release body heat. Beneath each patch on a giraffe’s coat, there is a system of blood vessels that allows each patch to release body heat.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

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Modeling (continued)

“OK, let’s read this aloud. Does it make sense? Let’s continue with DRAFT to see what else we could do with this combination.” Then refer back to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard. “We’ve deleted, added, and rearranged. Let’s think more about the verbs.” Highlight or circle the verbs: has, is, allows, to release. “Take a look at our Form New Verbs chart. I’m noticing my verbs are in the present tense. When I look at my Form New Verbs chart, one thing I could do is change a verb to the infinitive form using to. Hmm. Maybe I can change allows to to allow. Let’s try it”: Beneath each patch on a giraffe’s coat, there is a system of blood vessels to allow each patch to release body heat. “Well, that doesn’t really feel that effective, especially since we already have the infinitive to release. What about changing the ending of allows? Look at the examples on the chart. Talk it out with a partner.” After a brief turn-and-talk, model how to change the verb from allows to allowing. Then think aloud as you compose a new sentence: Beneath each patch on a giraffe’s coat, there is a system of blood vessels, allowing each patch to release body heat. “Writers, this is an example of how you could change the verb by adding –ing at the end. Now which one of combinations seems most effective to you? The first one we composed, or this sentence with the new verb ending? Talk it out.” Your students may decide that it still doesn’t sound that effective, that something still seems a bit off. The sentence can still be revised a little more. Model how take out there since it repeats the information about where blood vessels are located: Beneath each patch on a giraffe’s coat is a system of blood vessels, allowing each patch to release body heat. Once the students feel like they have an effective combination, reveal the author’s original sentence. Keeping in mind that the conversation is meant to be about meaning and effect as opposed to right or wrong, invite students to compare and contrast their version with Melina Gerosa Bellows’s using 5.13 Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II, prompting things along with the following reflective questions as necessary: • Why do you think Melina Gerosa Bellows combined the sentences in this way? • Is there another combination that would be effective? • Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as Melina’s? • If your combination was different from Melina’s, which do you prefer, and why?

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5.13 Printable

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I

A giraffe has a system of blood vessels. The system of blood vessels is beneath each patch on a giraffe’s coat. The system of blood vessels allows each patch to release body heat.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

169

5.13

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II The following sentence is Melina Gerosa Bellows’s combined sentence from Totally Random Facts, Volume 1:

Beneath each patch on a giraffe’s coat is a system of blood vessels, allowing each patch to release body heat. © 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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Collaborating Through Conversation

Distribute the printable 5.13 Invitation to Combine: Part I to each student. Following the directions on the printable and using DRAFT, students collaborate through conversation with one or more classmates to combine the sentences into one. Because this is most likely the first opportunity students will have with forming new verbs when combining, we’ve deconstructed Bellows’s original sentence into just two separate sentences. However, if your students have experience with forming new verbs, we’ve added an additional printable to this lesson with a more advance combination: 5.13 Invitation to Combine Extension: Part I. Keep in mind that your students will most likely discover a couple of possibilities for combining the sentences provided. Invite students to record their possibilities on the lines provided on the printable. They may need reminders to access any of the charts either hanging in your classroom or glued into their notebooks that would help them make choices. When ready, students compare their choices with other partnerships or groups. As with previous lessons, the conversation should be focused on effectiveness as opposed to getting the right answer. For comparative analysis, display 5.13 Invitation to Combine: Part II (or Part II of the extension) to share the author’s original text. Use the reflective questions at the bottom to facilitate a conversation about meaning and effect. Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

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5.13 Printable

Invitation to Combine Extension: Part I 5.13 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I (continued)

In Totally Random Facts, Volume 1, Melina Gerosa Bellows shares facts about many topics, including the giraffe. Read each of these sentences below. Refer to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard. Combine these five sentences into one:

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Giraffes are herbivores.

Giraffes eat buds on trees.

Invitation to Combine: Part I

Giraffes are plant-eaters.

5.13on Printable Giraffes eat buds shrubs.

In Totally Random Facts, Volume 1, Melina Gerosa Bellows shares facts about many topics, including the giraffe.

Giraffes eat mainly leaves.

5.13 Printable

Invitation to Combin Extension: Part I (continued)

Read each of these sentences below. Refer to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard. Combine these two sentences into one:

A giraffe’s heart is the biggest of any land mammal. A giraffe’s heart weighs in at about 25 pounds (11 kg). • When you finish, read your new sentence aloud to your group to see if the revised combination works. • Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class. • Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text.

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(continues)

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© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

5.13

5.13

• When you finish, read your new sentence aloud to your group to see if the revised combination works.

Invitation to Combine: Part II

Invitation to Combine Extension: Part II

Original Text from Totally Random Facts, Volume 1

• Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class. Original Text from Totally Random Facts, Volume 1

The sentence below shows Melina Gerosa Bellows’s combined sentence in Totally Random Facts, Volume 1:

The sentence below shows Melina Gerosa Bellows’s combined sentence in • Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text. Totally Random Facts, Volume 1:

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

A giraffe’s heart is the biggest of any land mammal, weighing in at about 25 pounds (11 kg).

Giraffes are herbivores, or plant-eaters, eating mainly leaves and buds on trees and shrubs.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group. © 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect

Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect

• Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

167

Applying Revision

Students return to their own writing to play with different sentence combos, using the DRAFT strategies and noticing the different effects. Invite them to choose one section or paragraph to focus on. It might help them to circle their verbs to see if they notice repetition or ways that they could change some of the verb endings to effectively combine two or more ideas. Using dry erase boards as a workspace during this time will allow for them to try different combinations out and then erase easily as needed (Figure 5.13). Your writers may not be ready to independently form new verbs yet. That’s OK. Giving them opportunities to play with the possibilities is the goal, showing students that they have options. They will gain more experience with forming new verbs in the next two lessons. Figure 5.13 This writer played around with combining ideas from her draft into one sentence using a dry erase board.

Sharing Results

Students share their combinations in a small group, explaining how they used DRAFT to combine their ideas into one sentence. Choose one or two students to share with the class, naming what the writer did with the revision strategy: Use DRAFT to combine ideas and sentences.

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5.13 Printable

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I

A giraffe has a system of blood vessels. The system of blood vessels is beneath each patch on a giraffe’s coat. The system of blood vessels allows each patch to release body heat.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

5.13

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II The following sentence is Melina Gerosa Bellows’s combined sentence from Totally Random Facts, Volume 1:

Beneath each patch on a giraffe’s coat is a system of blood vessels, allowing each patch to release body heat.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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5.13 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I In Totally Random Facts, Volume 1, Melina Gerosa Bellows shares facts about many topics, including the giraffe.

Read each of these sentences below. Refer to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard.



Combine these two sentences into one:

A giraffe’s heart is the biggest of any land mammal. A giraffe’s heart weighs in at about 25 pounds (11 kg).

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Chapter 4:

Invitation to COMBINE

5.13 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I (continued)

• When you finish, read your new sentence aloud to your group to see if the revised combination works. • Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class. • Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

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5.13

Invitation to Combine: Part II Original Text from Totally Random Facts, Volume 1 The sentence below shows Melina Gerosa Bellows’s combined sentence in Totally Random Facts, Volume 1:

A giraffe’s heart is the biggest of any land mammal, weighing in at about 25 pounds (11 kg).

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Chapter 4:

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Invitation to COMBINE

5.13 Printable

Invitation to Combine Extension: Part I In Totally Random Facts, Volume 1, Melina Gerosa Bellows shares facts about many topics, including the giraffe.

Read each of these sentences below. Refer to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard.



Combine these five sentences into one:

Giraffes are herbivores.

Giraffes eat buds on trees.

Giraffes are plant-eaters.

Giraffes eat buds on shrubs.

Giraffes eat mainly leaves.

(continues)

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.13 Printable

Invitation to Combine Extension: Part I (continued)

• When you finish, read your new sentence aloud to your group to see if the revised combination works. • Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class. • Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Chapter 4:

Invitation to COMBINE

5.13

Invitation to Combine Extension: Part II Original Text from Totally Random Facts, Volume 1 The sentence below shows Melina Gerosa Bellows’s combined sentence in Totally Random Facts, Volume 1:

Giraffes are herbivores, or plant-eaters, eating mainly leaves and buds on trees and shrubs.

Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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FORM NEW VERBS DELETE

REARRANGE

Possibilities for Forming New Verbs Unrevised Text First Attempts

to

ADD

Infinitives

Regular Past Tense Verb FORM

TALK

I walked around the block instead of doing my chores and homework.

(revise VS to revise)

to

(-ing verbs)

to

Passive

I walk around the block, trying to get out of doing my chores and homework.

Active

(The action is being done by the subject) My homework was avoided by my walk around the block.

I decided to walk around the block instead of doing my chores and homework.

Participles

Repetitious

I walk around the block. I try to get out of doing my chores. I try to get out of doing my homework.

Revised Text with New Verbs Formed

(The subject is doing the action)

to

I avoided my homework with a walk around the block.

Forming New Verbs Revision Process • Underline any verbs. • Think about the meaning of the sentence(s). • Search for ways to connect related ideas with participles, active verbs, or infinitives. • See if you can try to compress repetition by changing at least one verb form. Though verb form most often deals with tense, such as past, present, and future, here we know that would change the meaning significantly. Unless we need to shift text for style reasons, we don’t get tense about tense. We only change tense to aid agreement in a piece of text.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Chapter 4:

Invitation to COMBINE

5.14 Participle: A Right to Form New Verbs Lesson Overview Revision goal connected to standards: Develop and strengthen writing by combining ideas to avoid redundancy, add clarity, and improve fluency.

Model Text A Seed in the Sun – Written by Aida Salazar

Teacher Considerations With this lesson, we continue to focus on how students can use familiar revision strategies (as found in the mnemonic DRAFT) collectively to better combine ideas and sentences. This lesson continues to emphasize the F in DRAFT: Form new verbs. As in the previous lesson, we invite students to think about changing the verb endings by using -ing and ultimately composing a sentence with participles. We have taken a sentence from Aida Salazar’s A Seed in the Sun and, behind the scenes, deconstructed it into several separate sentences. Invite writers to consider the sentences as they move through the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard, looking for ways they can revise the collection into one sentence. You may choose to display the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard as well as the Form New Verbs chart or have students glue them into their notebooks, if you haven’t already done so in previous lessons. (See charts on pages 128 and 176.)

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Setting the Context

In Aida Salazar’s A Seed in the Sun, Lula Viramontes tells the story in verse from her point of view of how her family became involved in the 1965 Delano Grape Strike, led by farmworkers seeking better treatment and wages. You may choose to share this with your students, read the book jacket summary, or even read a few chapters aloud, getting them excited to read this book on their own. To set a context for combining sentences in this lesson, read aloud this excerpt from page 119 of A Seed in the Sun:

ˮ

178

I count maybe thirty strikers,

not the thousand



we imagined.

Their bodies take up little room,

are bunched up,



and move against



the vastness of the fields.

I squint my eyes to see

if I can make out



Papá’s figure.

Nothing.

Then share with your students, “Through Lula’s point of view, the author—Aida Salazar— shares what happens next through a combination of sentences. Writers often take short sentences or ideas with repetitive information and combine them into one.” Display the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard chart, showing the DRAFT mnemonic, or invite students to refer to it in their notebook if they have it. “Writers, we have learned to use DRAFT Revision Strategy to combine some sentences or ideas. We’re Use DRAFT to combine going to do that again to combine some ideas ideas and sentences. from A Seed in the Sun.”

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Invitation to COMBINE

Modeling

Use the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard along with printable 5.14 Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I to explore the four sentences that need to be combined into one. “There are four sentences here about Lula approaching the picket line. Let’s see if we can use DRAFT to help us combine the sentences into one. First let’s read aloud the 142 sentences”: Patterns of Revision: Grade 3

The Connectors Prepositions

Still, we approach cautiously. We hide behind cars.

What do they do? They show time and place as well as introduce examples, contrasts, or comparisons.

Function

Although As After While When Until Because Before If Since

Example

Time

at, in, on

Extended Time

by, during, for, from, since, to, until, with(in)

Direction

in, into, on, onto, to, toward

Location

above, across, against, ahead of, along, among, around, at, behind, below, beneath, beside, between, by, from, in, inside, near, of, off, on, out, over, through, toward, under, within

What do they do? They show relationships, sometimes making one idea more or less important.

The cars are in a line. The cars are parked along the road.

Subordinating Conjunctions (AAAWWUBBIS)

Function

Introduce Examples and Comparisons or Contrasts

as, despite, except, for, like, of, per, than, with, without

Example

Time

after, before, during, since, until, when, whenever, while

Cause-Effect

as, because, since, so

Opposition

although, even though, though, whatever, while

Condition

as long as, if, in order to, unless, until, whatever

Relative Pronouns

What do they do? Introduce and link additional information to the noun before it.

Coordinating Conjunctions (FANBOYS)

“Let’s spend some time talking out ways we could combine these sentences, using any of the DRAFT strategies that help.” Return to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard and work through its mnemonic as you review how to use DRAFT as a guide to combine the sentences. “D means Delete repetitive words. Do you see some words that are repeated? Talk it out with a neighbor. What else do you see is repeated?” Model how to cross through repetitive words like the cars. “Now, how could we rearrange the words and add connectors?” You may want your students to revisit The Connectors printable found on page 151. Your students may notice that they could combine the ideas into a compound sentence using the comma and conjunction and: Function

Link ideas and things to more detail Link people to more detail

that, what, which

who, whoever, whom, whose

Connector Punctuation

What do they do? They combine, introduce, and enclose information.

Combines

For And Nor But Or Yet So

Example

Introduces

Comma ,

Encloses

What do they do? They make connections that are equal to each other. They join sentences (thereby making compound sentences), and they can show a relationship between a pair or a list.

Function

Example

Comma ,

Combine

and

Dash —

Dash —

Dash —

Opposition

but, nor, yet

Semicolon ;

Colon :

Parentheses ( )

Cause-Effect

for, so

Quotation Marks “ ”

Choice

or

From Patterns of Revision, Grade 3. Stenhouse Publishers ©2019 by Jeff Anderson and Whitney La Rocca from Patterns of Power, Student Notebook. Portsmouth, NH: Stenhouse Publishers. May be photocopied for classroom use only.

 Still, we approach cautiously, and we hide behind the cars parked in a line along the road. Honor this combination. Then refer back to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard. “That is one way we could do it. Let’s look back at DRAFT. We’ve deleted, added, and rearranged. Let’s think more about the verbs. Take a look at your Form New Verbs chart. Could any of the verbs be changed? What about the verb endings? Could one of these be changed? Look at the examples on the chart. Talk it out with a partner.” After a brief turn-and-talk, model how to change the verb from hide to hiding. Then think aloud as you rearrange and compose a new sentence: Still, we approach cautiously, hiding behind the cars parked in a line along the road. “Writers, this is an example of how you could change the verb by ending it with -ing. Now which one of combinations seems most effective to you? The compound sentence, or this sentence with the new verb ending? Talk it out.” (continues)

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Modeling (continued)

Once the students feel like they have an effective combination, reveal the author’s original sentence. The sentence you compose with the help of the class may not be the exact same as Aida Salazar’s. That’s OK! Invite students to compare and contrast their version with Aida’s using 5.14 Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II, prompting things along with the following reflective questions as necessary: • Why do you think Aida combined the sentences in this way? • Is there another combination that would be effective? • Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as Aida’s? • If your combination was different from Aida’s, which do you prefer, and why?

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

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5.14 Printable

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I

Still, we approach cautiously. We hide behind cars. The cars are in a line. The cars are parked along the road.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

183

5.14

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II The following sentence is Aida Salazar’s combined sentence from A Seed in the Sun:

Still, we approach cautiously, hiding behind a line of cars parked along the road.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect © 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group. • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Collaborating Through Conversation

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184

Distribute the printable 5.14 Invitation to Combine: Part I to each student. Following the directions on the printable and using DRAFT, students collaborate through conversation with one or more classmates to combine the sentences into one. Invite them to record their possibilities on the lines provided on the printable. When ready, students compare their choices with other partnerships or groups. For comparative analysis, display 5.14 Invitation to Combine: Part II to share the author’s original text. Use the reflective questions to facilitate a conversation about meaning and effect. 186

5.14 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I In Aida Salazar’s A Seed in the Sun, Papá has discovered that Lula is participating in the strikes, against his orders. Read each of these sentences below. Refer to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard. Combine these three sentences into one:

Papá stands. His arms are crossed. Papá leans more on one of his legs.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

185

5.14 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I (continued)

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.14

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Invitation to Combine: Part II Original Text from A Seed in the Sun

The sentence below shows Aida Salazar’s combined sentence in A Seed in the Sun:

Papá stands with his arms crossed, leaning more on one of his legs.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect

• When you finish, read your new sentence aloud to your group to see if the revised combination works. • Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class. • Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text.

• Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective? © 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Chapter 4:

181

Invitation to COMBINE

Applying Revision

Students return to their own writing to play with different sentence combos, using the DRAFT strategies and noticing the different effects. Invite them to choose one section or paragraph to focus on. Remind them that they can circle their verbs to see if they notice repetition or ways that they could change some of the verb endings to effectively combine two or more ideas.

Sharing Results

To celebrate the revision writers did in this lesson, invite them to share one of their newly combined sentences with a partner and record it on a sentence strip. Display the sentence strips on a wall, door, or file cabinet with a title: We Use DRAFT to Revise!

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.14 Printable

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I

Still, we approach cautiously. We hide behind cars. The cars are in a line. The cars are parked along the road.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

5.14

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II The following sentence is Aida Salazar’s combined sentence from A Seed in the Sun:

Still, we approach cautiously, hiding behind a line of cars parked along the road.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.14 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I In Aida Salazar’s A Seed in the Sun, Papá has discovered that Lula is participating in the strikes, against his orders.

Read each of these sentences below. Refer to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard.



Combine these three sentences into one:

Papá stands. His arms are crossed. Papá leans more on one of his legs.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE 5.14 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I (continued)

• When you finish, read your new sentence aloud to your group to see if the revised combination works. • Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class. • Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

185

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.14

Invitation to Combine: Part II Original Text from A Seed in the Sun The sentence below shows Aida Salazar’s combined sentence in A Seed in the Sun:

Papá stands with his arms crossed, leaning more on one of his legs.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Chapter 4:

187

Invitation to COMBINE

5.15 When Gaze Becomes Gazing : Transforming Verbs

Lesson Overview Revision goal connected to standards: Develop and strengthen writing by combining ideas to avoid redundancy, add clarity, and improve fluency.

Model Text When Sea Becomes Sky – Written by Gillian McDunn

Teacher Considerations With this lesson, we deepen the level of sentence combining with our fifth graders as we continue to use the F in DRAFT: Form new verbs. This lesson is meant to be more challenging for students, giving them a chance to play with participles and conjunctions in compound sentences. As with all of our combining lessons, invite students to talk out their possibilities and use their charts for reference, knowing that they may not come up with the exact same combination as the mentor author.

Patterns of Power Lessons 6.1, 6.2, 6.3, and 6.4 offer students multiple opportunities to craft stronger sentences with effective verbs: action verbs, verbs of being, verb tense, and irregular verbs.

Possibilities for Forming New Verbs Unrevised Text

Revised Text

First Attempts

with New Verbs Formed

Regular Past Tense Verb I walked around the block instead of doing my chores and homework.

Repetitious

I walk around the block. I try to get out of doing my chores. I try to get out of doing my homework.

Passive

(The action is being done by the subject) My homework was avoided by my walk around the block.

Infinitives

(revise VS to revise) I decided to walk around the block instead of doing my chores and homework.

Participles (-ing verbs)

I walk around the block, trying to get out of doing my chores and homework.

Active

(The subject is doing the action) I avoided my homework with a walk around the block.

Forming New Verbs Revision Process • Underline any verbs. • Think about the meaning of the sentence(s). • Search for ways to connect related ideas with participles, active verbs, or infinitives. • See if you can try to compress repetition by changing at least one verb form. Though verb form most often deals with tense, such as past, present, and future, here we know that would change the meaning significantly. Unless we need to shift text for style reasons, we don’t get tense about tense. We only change tense to aid agreement in a piece of text.

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Setting the Context

In Gillian McDunn’s When Sea Becomes Sky, Bex and her younger brother, Davey, spend their summer together exploring the marshes of South Carolina. In Chapter 2, Bex shares a piece of writing from her notebook with Davey, looking for ways to revise it. Because Bex is frustrated with her word choice, Davey provides some encouragement. You may decide to read the first two chapters aloud to introduce your students to this wonderful story. To set a context for combining sentences in this lesson, read aloud this excerpt from page 9 of When Sea Becomes Sky:

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His words loosened the knot that had been forming in my chest all afternoon. “Thanks, Davey.” “Anytime, Bex.” He returned to his book.

Share with your students, “Gillian McDunn writes what happens next. One thing writers do when they revise is take multiple ideas and combine them into one sentence.” Display the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard chart, showing the DRAFT mnemonic, or invite students to refer to it in their notebook if they have it. “Writers, remember that we can use DRAFT to combine some sentences or ideas. We’re going to try it out with some ideas from When Sea Becomes Sky.”

Revision Strategy Use DRAFT to combine ideas and sentences.

Modeling

Use the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard along with printable 5.15 Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I to explore the four sentences that need to be combined into one. “There are four sentences here that show what happens next. Let’s see if we can use DRAFT to help us combine the sentences into one. First let’s read aloud the sentences”:

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Modeling (continued)

A breeze rustled the leaves.

I gazed at the sky.

I settled back against my branch.

It was a patch of sky.

“Let’s spend some time talking out ways we could combine these sentences, using any of the DRAFT strategies that help.” Return to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard and work through its mnemonic as you review how to use DRAFT as a guide to combine the sentences. “First, let’s check for repetition. What words could we delete? Talk it out.” Model how to cross through repetitive words. “Now let’s think about how we might rearrange the words we have left and some possible connectors we can add. Let’s take a look at The Connectors chart.” Your students may already have this chart glued into their notebooks, or you may have it hanging in your classroom. If not, The Connectors printable is found on page 151. “Hmm, let’s look at our verbs. Could we form a new one by changing it to end with -ing?” As you talk it out with your students, write down some possibilities for combining, like:  A breeze rustled the leaves, and I settled back against my branch and gazed at a patch of sky. I settled back against my branch and gazed at a patch of sky while a breeze rustled the leaves. A breeze rustled the leaves, and I settled back against my branch, gazing at a patch of sky. 192

“OK, we have several possibilities. Let’s read through each one. Which one sounds most effective so far? Talk it out. Are there any other connectors we could try, or could we rearrange the words or phrases in the sentence?” Record any other possibilities your students come up with. Once the students feel like they have an effective combination, reveal the author’s original sentence. Keeping in mind that the conversation is meant to be about meaning and effect opposed to right or wrong, invite students to compare and contrast their version with Gillian McDunn’s using 5.15 Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II, prompting things along with the following reflective questions as necessary: • Why do you think Gillian combined the sentences in this way? • Is there another combination that would be effective? • Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as Gillian’s? • If your combination was different from Gillian’s, which do you prefer, and why?

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.15 Printable

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I

A breeze rustled the leaves. I settled back against my branch. I gazed at the sky. It was a patch of sky.

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5.15 © 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group. Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II

The following sentence is Gillian McDunn’s combined sentence from When Sea Becomes Sky:

A breeze rustled the leaves and I settled back against my branch, gazing at a patch of sky.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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Collaborating Through Conversation

Distribute the printable 5.15 Invitation to Combine: Part I to each student. Following the directions on the printable and using DRAFT, students collaborate through conversation with one or more classmates to combine the sentences into one (Figure 5.15). Keep in mind that we purposely chose a more challenging sentence combination, and there are several possibilities for combining them. Invite students to record their possibilities on the lines provided on the printable. They may need reminders to access any of the charts either hanging in your classroom or glued into their notebooks that would help them make choices. When ready, students compare their choices with other partnerships or groups. As with previous lessons, the conversation should be focused on effectiveness as opposed to getting the right answer. For comparative analysis, display 5.15 Invitation to Combine: Part II to share the author’s original text. Use the reflective questions at the bottom to facilitate a conversation about meaning and effect.

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5.15 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I (continued) 194

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.15 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I In When Sea Become Sky, Davey shares his yellow candy pieces with his sister, Bex. Read each of these sentences below. Refer to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard. Combine these three sentences into one:

He tossed one to me. I caught it. 196

I popped it into my mouth.

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

• When you finish, read your new sentence aloud to your group to 5.15 see if the revised combination works. Invitation

to Combine: Part II

• Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class. Original Text from When Sea Becomes Sky The sentence below shows Gillian McDunn’s combined sentence in • Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text. When Sea Becomes Sky:

He tossed one to me, and I caught it, popping it into my mouth.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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Invitation to COMBINE

Applying Revision

Students return to their own writing to play with different sentence combinations, using the DRAFT strategies and noticing the different effects. Invite them to choose one section or paragraph to focus on. It might help them to circle their verbs to see if they notice repetition or ways that they could change some of the verb endings to effectively combine two or more ideas. Using dry erase boards as a workspace during this time will allow them to try different combinations out and erase easily as needed. Giving writers opportunities to play with their possibilities and talk them out with others shows them that they have options. It’s not about compliance, but rather about ownership.

Figure 5.15 Students recorded several possibilities for combining during the collaboration conversation.

Sharing Results

Students share their combinations in a small group, explaining how they used DRAFT to combine their ideas into one sentence. Choose one or two students to share with the class, naming what the writer did with the revision strategy: Use DRAFT to combine ideas and sentences.

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5.15 Printable

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I

A breeze rustled the leaves. I settled back against my branch. I gazed at the sky. It was a patch of sky.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

5.15

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II The following sentence is Gillian McDunn’s combined sentence from When Sea Becomes Sky:

A breeze rustled the leaves and I settled back against my branch, gazing at a patch of sky.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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5.15 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I In When Sea Become Sky, Davey shares his yellow candy pieces with his sister, Bex.

Read each of these sentences below. Refer to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard.



Combine these three sentences into one:

He tossed one to me. I caught it. I popped it into my mouth.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE 5.15 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I (continued)

• When you finish, read your new sentence aloud to your group to see if the revised combination works. • Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class. • Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

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5.15

Invitation to Combine: Part II Original Text from When Sea Becomes Sky The sentence below shows Gillian McDunn’s combined sentence in When Sea Becomes Sky:

He tossed one to me, and I caught it, popping it into my mouth.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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Invitation to COMBINE

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5.16 Combining to Find a Place in This World

Lesson Overview Revision goal connected to standards: Develop and strengthen writing by combining ideas to avoid redundancy, add clarity, and improve fluency.

Model Text Nicky & Vera: A Quiet Hero of the Holocaust and the Children He Rescued – Written and illustrated by Peter Sís

Teacher Considerations Now that students are getting the hang of using DRAFT to combine sentences, we use this lesson to focus on word choice while combining ideas. Peter Sís uses adjectives and prepositional phrases to combine ideas in Nicky & Vera: A Quiet Hero of the Holocaust and the Children He Rescued. During the discussion, invite your students to pay attention to word choice used to create images and show relationships for the reader. Although the combinations in this lesson will likely not involve forming new verbs, students may still play around with this option. At this point in the lessons, you may notice more confidence in your students: enjoy listening to their conversations as they discover the many options they have as writers. When students set off to do this work on their own, we invite them to search for parts in their writing where they, too, could add more description, often combining ideas to do so. They may even choose to dig into other books in your classroom library to see how other authors use description and show relationships to combine their ideas. Patterns of Power Lessons 16.1, 16.2, and 16.3 give students opportunities to study prepositional phrases for use in their own writing. Connecting this knowledge to how Peter Sís uses prepositional phrases in Nicky & Vera: A Quiet Hero of the Holocaust and the Children He Rescued provides students another look at the placement of these phrases within sentences. Additionally, your students may notice how Peter Sís uses some adjectives to combine his descriptive ideas. For focused lessons on crafting with adjectives, check out Patterns of Power Lessons 13.1, 13.2, 13.3, 13.4, and 13.5.

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Setting the Context

In Nicky & Vera: A Quiet Hero of the Holocaust and the Children He Rescued, Peter Sís shares the true story of an Englishman, Nicholas Winton, who secretly organized the transportation of almost 700 children to safety from the Germans in 1939. One of these children was Vera Gissing. Peter Sís shares both of their stories and describes how Nicky was reunited with Vera and many of the other children almost fifty years later. To set a context for this lesson, you may choose to share this information with your students or read the summary of the book found on the book jacket. Then read aloud this sentence from Nicky & Vera: A Quiet Hero of the Holocaust and the Children He Rescued to introduce Vera:

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In 1938, Vera was ten years old.

Then explain to your students that Peter Sís chooses to combine some details to tell us more about Vera in his next sentence.

Revision Strategy Use DRAFT to combine ideas and sentences.

Modeling

Using the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard along with the printable 5.16 Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I, explore the six parts of the unrevised original sentence that, together, you will combine into one. “There are six sentences here. Let’s play around with revision using DRAFT and see if we can make these six sentences into one. First let’s read aloud the sentences.”

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Modeling (continued)

She lived in a town. The town was small. Her family lived in the town, too. The town was near a city. The city was Prague. The city was big.

“Let’s spend some time talking out ways we could combine these sentences, remembering that we can use any of the DRAFT strategies that help. First, let’s think about what these sentences are showing us, and maybe what relationships we notice.” Refer to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard as needed. We purposely deconstructed the combined sentence into a large amount of small sentences to inspire even more conversation and critical thinking about relationships among words and phrases. Guide the students through this conversation about the possibilities, moving through the entire DRAFT process, noting that we may not form new verbs in this one. Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I When ready, display 5.16 Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II to reveal Peter Sís’s original text and guide students through a conversation of compare and contrast, using the reflective questions as a guide: • Why do you think the Peter combined the sentences in this way? • Is there another combination that would be effective? • Why do you think your combination was Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II different from or the same as Peter’s? • If your combination was different from Peter’s, which do you prefer, and why? 202

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.16 Printable

She lived in a town.

The town was near a city.

The town was small.

The city was Prague.

Her family lived in the town, too.

The city was big.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

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5.16

The following sentence is Peter Sís’s combined sentence from Nicky & Vera: A Quiet Hero of the Holocaust and the Children He Rescued:

She lived with her ©family in aLasmall near cityGrade 5. Taylor & Francis Group. 2024 by Whitney Rocca andtown Jeff Anderson from the Patternsbig of Revision, of Prague.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

200

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Collaborating Through Conversation

Distribute the printable 5.16 Invitation to Combine: Part I to each student. Following the directions provided and using DRAFT, students collaborate through conversation with one or more classmates to combine the sentences into one. Students write multiple versions in the workspace of the printable as they talk it out. Remind them to focus on the words used for descriptive purposes, rearranging words and phrases along the way. When ready, writers compare their choices with other partnerships or groups. Display 5.16 Invitation to Combine: Part II to share the author’s original text for comparative analysis. Refer to the reflective questions while facilitating a conversation about meaning and effect.

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5.16 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I (continued)

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.16 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I In Nicky & Vera: A Quiet Hero of the Holocaust and the Children He Rescued, Peter Sís uses detail to show how Nicky helped the children escape the Germans from Czechoslovakia to London in 1939.

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

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Read each of these sentences below. Refer to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard. 5.16

Combine these four sentences into one:

Invitation to Combine: Part II Original Text from Nicky & Vera: A Quiet Hero of the Holocaust and the Children He Rescued

He used advertisements to find foster families to take care of the children. He placed the advertisements in the newspapers.

The sentence below shows Peter Sís’s combined sentence in Nicky & Vera: A Quiet Hero of the Holocaust and the Children He Rescued:

He did this in the evenings.

• When you finish, read your new sentence aloud to your group to see if the new combination works.

He waited until after work.

• Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class.

In the evenings after work, he placed advertisements in the newspapers to find foster families to take care of the children.

• Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text. Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why? © 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Chapter 4:

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Invitation to COMBINE

Applying Revision

Students return to their own writing, either a draft they are working on or anything in their writer’s notebook, to play with revision. In addition to looking for places where combining would be effective, writers refer to all revision strategies, remembering that they can also delete, rearrange, and add information as well. Some students may be getting ready to start a new piece of writing. Invite them to brainstorm some possibilities for combining by sketching a picture and considering the relationships found within. For example, if their sketch prompts them to write the following details:  I have my own room at home. It is upstairs. I have LED lights on the wall. My desk is in the corner. My closet is messy. They might be combined with the following revision:  L ED lights hang on the wall in my room upstairs. Students notice and play with the different effects.

Figure 5.16 This writer sketched a picture of her room and wrote quick ideas about it. She then tried out some possible combinations.

Sharing Results

To celebrate the revision writers did in this lesson, invite them to share with a partner or in small groups, pointing out what parts of DRAFT they used. Group members then share how the combinations helped them as readers.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.16 Printable

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I

She lived in a town.

The town was near a city.

The town was small.

The city was Prague.

Her family lived in the town, too.

The city was big.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

5.16

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II The following sentence is Peter Sís’s combined sentence from Nicky & Vera: A Quiet Hero of the Holocaust and the Children He Rescued:

She lived with her family in a small town near the big city of Prague.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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5.16 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I In Nicky & Vera: A Quiet Hero of the Holocaust and the Children He Rescued, Peter Sís uses detail to show how Nicky helped the children escape the Germans from Czechoslovakia to London in 1939.

Read each of these sentences below. Refer to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard.



Combine these four sentences into one:

He used advertisements to find foster families to take care of the children. He placed the advertisements in the newspapers. He did this in the evenings. He waited until after work.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE 5.16 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I (continued)

• When you finish, read your new sentence aloud to your group to see if the new combination works. • Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class. • Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.16

Invitation to Combine: Part II Original Text from Nicky & Vera: A Quiet Hero of the Holocaust and the Children He Rescued The sentence below shows Peter Sís’s combined sentence in Nicky & Vera: A Quiet Hero of the Holocaust and the Children He Rescued:

In the evenings after work, he placed advertisements in the newspapers to find foster families to take care of the children.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Chapter 4:

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Invitation to COMBINE

5.17 It’s in the Details: Combine for Fluency Lesson Overview Revision goal connected to standards: Develop and strengthen writing by combining ideas to avoid redundancy, add clarity, and improve fluency.

Model Text The Ogress and the Orphans – Written by Kelly Barnhill

Teacher Considerations We use this lesson to continue our focus on word choice while combining ideas with DRAFT, but we also consider the placement of prepositional phrases within a sentence. Kelly Barnhill uses adjectives and prepositional phrases to combine ideas in The Ogress and the Orphans. Kelly often begins her sentences with a prepositional phrase, which we call an opener. During the discussion, invite your students to pay attention to word choice used to create vivid images for the reader and consider the placement of that description, sharing with them the opener sentence pattern visual at right. Although they may be familiar with using an opener to craft complex sentences, it’s also a pattern writers use with dependent clauses or phrases, which Other Sentence Patterns cannot stand alone. When students set off to do this work on their own, we invite them to search for parts in their sentence writing where they, too, could add more description, Opener often combining ideas to do so.

,

Sen

.

, interrupter, tence .

Patterns of Power Lessons 16.1, 16.2, and 16.3 give students opportunities to study prepositional phrases for use in their own writing.Sentence Connecting this knowledge closer to how Kelly Barnhill uses prepositional phrases in The Ogress and the Orphans provides students another look at the placement of these phrases within sentences. Additionally, your students may notice how Kelly Barnhill uses adjectives to combine her descriptive ideas. For focused lessons on crafting with adjectives, check out Patterns of Power Lessons 13.1, 13.2, 13.3, 13.4, and 13.5.

,

.

© Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Setting the Context

In Kelly Barnhill’s fantasy middle-grade novel The Ogress and the Orphans, readers are introduced to a town called Stone-in-the-Glen and the characters within and around it, including the Ogress who lives outside of the town and her friends, the crows. To set a context for this lesson, you may choose to share this information with your students or read the summary of the book found on the book jacket. Then read aloud this excerpt from page 54 where the Ogress builds a periscope so she can keep an eye on the people of Stone-inthe-Glen:

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The Ogress knew how the crows felt about Stone-in-the-Glen and the people who lived there, and so she didn’t tell them exactly what the periscope was for. She searched her knowledge of the Crow language to give them something by way of explanation without encouraging an argument. She wanted to say, “This is my Look-Arounder,” but she didn’t have the proper Crow vocabulary. Instead, she said, “Caw,” which she intended to mean “I am building a thing to help me see important things,” but her pronunciation was garbled, and what the crows heard was “I see that which is the most important thing.”

Then explain to your students that Kelly Barnhill continues to use description to show what happens next, and she has chosen to combine some of these details into one sentence.

Revision Strategy Use DRAFT to combine ideas and sentences.

Modeling

Using the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard along with the printable 5.17 Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I, explore the five parts of the unrevised original sentence that, together, you will combine into one. “There are five sentences here. Let’s play around with revision using DRAFT and see if we can make these five sentences into one. First let’s read aloud the sentences.”

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Modeling (continued)

The Ogress peered through her periscope. The Ogress did this in the dimness of her house. Her house was crooked. The dimness was cozy.

“Let’s spend some time talking out ways we could combine these sentences, remembering that we can use any of the DRAFT strategies that help. First let’s think about what these sentences are showing us.” Refer to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard as needed. Using conversation and input from your students to steer you, think aloud as you combine the sentences, focusing on the word choice Kelly Barnhill used (adjectives and prepositional phrases). Guide the students through a conversation about the possibilities, moving through the entire DRAFT process, noting that we may not form new verbs in this one. When the conversation warrants, share the opener-sentence visual, inviting your students to rearrange even more. When ready, display 5.17 Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II to reveal Barnhill’s original text and Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I guide students through a conversation of compare and contrast, using the reflective questions as a guide: • Why do you think the Kelly combined the sentences in this way? • Is there another combination that would be effective? • Why do you think your combination Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II was different from or the same as Kelly’s? • If your combination was different from Kelly’s, which do you prefer, and why? 212

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.17 Printable

The Ogress peered through her periscope.

The Ogress did this in the dimness of her house. Her house was crooked. The dimness was cozy.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

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5.17

The following sentence is Kelly Barnhill’s combined sentence from The Ogress and the Orphans:

In the cozy dimness of her crooked house, the Ogress peered through her periscope.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect

• Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way? © 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Collaborating Through Conversation

Distribute the printable 5.17 Invitation to Combine: Part I to each student. Following the directions provided and using DRAFT, students collaborate through conversation with one or more classmates to combine the sentences into one. Students write multiple versions in the workspace of the printable as they talk it out. Remind them to focus on the words used for descriptive purposes, rearranging words and phrases along the way. When ready, writers compare their choices with other partnerships or groups. Display 5.17 Invitation to Combine: Part II to share the author’s original text for comparative analysis. Refer to the reflective questions while facilitating a conversation about meaning and effect.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

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5.17 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I (continued)

5.17 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I In The Ogress and the Orphans, Kelly Barnhill uses detail to describe Athea’s actions on page 75. Athea is an orphan, living in the Orphan House in Stone-in-the-Glen. Read each of these sentences below. Refer to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 3

Combine these five sentences into one: 5.17

She retrieved a box.

The latch was ornate.

Invitation to Combine: Part II

The box had a latch.

It was an antique box.

Original Text from The Ogress and the Orphans The sentence below shows Kelly Barnhill’s combined sentence in The Ogress and the Orphans:

The box sat on a shelf that was lower.

From a lower shelf, she retrieved an antique box with an ornate latch. • When you finish, read your new sentence aloud to your group to see if the revised combination works. Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class. • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way? • Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text. • Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s? © 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why? © 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Chapter 4:

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Invitation to COMBINE

Applying Revision

Students return to their own writing, either a draft they are working on or anything in their writer’s notebook, to play with revision. In addition to looking for places where combining would be effective, writers refer to all revision strategies, remembering that they can also delete, rearrange, and add information as well. When combining, invite them to think about the descriptions they are using and if any other adjectives or prepositional phrases could be added to sentences they already have in place. Students should be encouraged to notice and play with the different effects.

Sharing Results

Use an author’s chair for this celebration of revision. Invite each student to sit in a designated chair close to where their writing is displayed for others to see. They share the revisions they made, explaining how these choices made their writing more effective.

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5.17 Printable

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I

The Ogress peered through her periscope. The Ogress did this in the dimness of her house. Her house was crooked. The dimness was cozy.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Chapter 4:

Invitation to COMBINE

5.17

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II The following sentence is Kelly Barnhill’s combined sentence from The Ogress and the Orphans:

In the cozy dimness of her crooked house, the Ogress peered through her periscope.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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5.17 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I In The Ogress and the Orphans, Kelly Barnhill uses detail to describe Athea’s actions on page 75. Athea is an orphan, living in the Orphan House in Stone-in-the-Glen.

Read each of these sentences below. Refer to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard.



Combine these five sentences into one:

She retrieved a box.

The latch was ornate.

The box had a latch.

It was an antique box.

The box sat on a shelf that was lower.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Chapter 4:

Invitation to COMBINE

5.17 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I (continued)

• When you finish, read your new sentence aloud to your group to see if the revised combination works. • Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class. • Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

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5.17

Invitation to Combine: Part II Original Text from The Ogress and the Orphans The sentence below shows Kelly Barnhill’s combined sentence in The Ogress and the Orphans:

From a lower shelf, she retrieved an antique box with an ornate latch.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

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5.18 Building Relationships: Combine Ideas Lesson Overview Revision goal connected to standards: Develop and strengthen writing by combining ideas to avoid redundancy, add clarity, and improve fluency.

Model Text The Wild Robot – Written by Peter Brown

Teacher Considerations We use this lesson to continue our focus on using prepositional phrases as openers while combining ideas with DRAFT, but the prepositions used in this lesson often introduce examples or comparisons. We use this lesson to challenge writers to consider relationships among ideas when combining. Invite students to refer to 142 Patterns of The Connectors printable found on page 151. Revision: Grade 3

The Connectors Prepositions What do they do? They show time and place as well as introduce examples, contrasts, or comparisons.

Patterns of Power Lessons 16.1, 16.2, and 16.3 give students opportunities to study prepositional phrases for use in their own writing. Connecting this knowledge to how Peter Brown uses prepositional phrases in The Wild Robot provides students with another look at the placement of these phrases within sentences. Peter Brown’s The Wild Robot is also included in the Patterns of Power Top Ten Mentor Texts Set for fifth grade.

Function

Subordinating Conjunctions (AAAWWUBBIS) Although As After While When Until Because Before If Since

Example

Time

at, in, on

Extended Time

by, during, for, from, since, to, until, with(in)

Direction

in, into, on, onto, to, toward

What do they do? They show relationships, sometimes making one idea more or less important.

Function

above, across, against, ahead of, along, among, around, at, behind, below, beneath, beside, between, by, from, in, inside, near, of, off, on, out, over, through, toward, under, within

Location

Introduce Examples and Comparisons or Contrasts

as, despite, except, for, like, of, per, than, with, without

Example

Time

after, before, during, since, until, when, whenever, while

Cause-Effect

as, because, since, so

Opposition

although, even though, though, whatever, while

Condition

as long as, if, in order to, unless, until, whatever

Relative Pronouns

What do they do? Introduce and link additional information to the noun before it.

Function Link ideas and things to more detail Link people to more detail

For And Nor But Or Yet So

that, what, which

who, whoever, whom, whose

Connector Punctuation

What do they do? They combine, introduce, and enclose information.

Combines

Coordinating Conjunctions (FANBOYS)

Example

Introduces

Comma ,

Encloses

What do they do? They make connections that are equal to each other. They join sentences (thereby making compound sentences), and they can show a relationship between a pair or a list.

Function

Example

Comma ,

Combine

and

Dash —

Dash —

Dash —

Opposition

but, nor, yet

Semicolon ;

Colon :

Parentheses ( )

Cause-Effect

for, so

Quotation Marks “ ”

Choice

or

From Patterns of Revision, Grade 3. Stenhouse Publishers ©2019 by Jeff Anderson and Whitney La Rocca from Patterns of Power, Student Notebook. Portsmouth, NH: Stenhouse Publishers. May be photocopied for classroom use only.

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Setting the Context

To set a context for students, share what Peter Brown’s The Wild Robot is about. You may choose to read the blurb from the book jacket. Then read aloud the following excerpt from Chapter 36 where readers learn more about the character, Brightbill, a gosling who is adopted by Roz, the robot:

The gosling was small for his age, and he always would be, but he was growing bigger and stronger by the day. His increasing size was matched by his increasing appetite. He gobbled down grass and berries and nuts and leaves. Sometimes he’d snack on little insects. If it was edible, Brightbill would eat it.

ˮ

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Then share with your students, “There are some more details about Brightbill that Peter Brown wants his readers to know. One thing we can do as writers is combine short sentences into one sentence for our readers.”

Revision Strategy Use DRAFT to combine ideas and sentences.

Modeling

Using the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard along with the printable 5.18 Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I, explore the three parts of the unrevised original sentence that, together, you will combine into one. “There are three sentences here. Let’s play around with revision using DRAFT and see if we can make these three sentences into one. First let’s read aloud the sentences.”

Brightbill was like most youngsters. Most youngsters are incredibly curious. Brightbill was incredibly curious.

Chapter 4:

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Invitation to COMBINE

Modeling (continued)

“Let’s spend some time talking out ways we could combine these sentences, remembering that we can use any of the DRAFT strategies that help combine the sentences into one.” Review the DRAFT mnemonic as needed. Model how to combine the sentences, saying things like, “I see the word Brightbill twice. I’m sure I could revise this so there was only one Brightbill. Talk it out with a neighbor. What else do you see is repeated? How could you rearrange the words and add connectors?” Referring to The Connectors printable will help students to talk through this combination. Your students may suggest using some subordinating conjunctions as connectors to form complex sentences. Write down their suggestions, demonstrating that there is a wide range of ways to combine. If needed, guide them to also consider prepositions, thinking about the function listed on the printable: Introduce Examples and Comparisons and Contrasts. When ready, display 5.18 Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II to reveal Peter Brown’s original text and guide students through a conversation of compare and contrast, using the reflective questions as a guide: • Why do you think Peter combined the sentences in this way? • Is there another combination that would be effective? • Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as Peter’s? • If your combination was different from Peter’s, which do you prefer, and why?

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5.18 Printable

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

5.18

Brightbill was like most youngsters. Most youngsters are incredibly curious. Brightbill was incredibly curious.

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II The following sentence is Peter Brown’s combined sentence from The Wild Robot:

Like most youngsters, Brightbill was incredibly curious.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Collaborating Through Conversation

Distribute the printable 5.18 Invitation to Combine: Part I to each student. Following the directions provided and using DRAFT, students collaborate through conversation with one or more classmates to combine the sentences into one (Figure 5.18). Students write multiple versions in the workspace of the printable as they talk it out. Remind them to focus on the words listed on The Connectors printable when rearranging and connecting words and phrases along the way. When ready, writers compare their choices with other partnerships or groups. Display 5.18 Invitation to Combine: Part II to share the author’s original text for comparative analysis. Refer to the reflective questions while facilitating a conversation about meaning and effect.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

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5.18 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I (continued) 224

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.18 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I In Peter Brown’s The Wild Robot, the gosling, Brightbill, learns to fly and continues to get better throughout the book. Read each of these sentences below. Refer to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Combine these three sentences into one: 5.18

Brightbill was becoming a flier.

Invitation to Combine: Part II

His flying was truly exceptional.

Original Text from The Wild Robot The sentence below shows Peter Brown’s combined sentence in The Wild Robot:

Brightbill was given coaching from his mother.

With coaching from his mother, Brightbill was becoming a • When you finish, read your new sentence aloud to your group to see truly exceptional flier. if the revised combination works. • Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect

• Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text. • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Chapter 4:

221

Invitation to COMBINE

Applying Revision

Students return to their own writing or their writer’s notebook to play with different sentence combinations, using the DRAFT strategies. Students notice the different effects. If students have a hard time finding sentences in their own writing to combine, invite them to create a practice box for combining their thinking. A box can be drawn directly onto the page or it can be on a sticky note. Students think about two or three additional things they want their reader to know and combine those thoughts into one sentence. Remind them to use The Connectors printable to help them connect their ideas. Then they may choose which new combinations they will add to their piece. Figure 5.18 Fifth graders worked together to combine the sentences in two different ways.

Sharing Results

Share results with partners. Celebrate the revision writers did today either directly in their writing or in their practice boxes. Choose one or two students to share with the class, naming what the writer did with the revision strategy: Use DRAFT to combine sentences.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.18 Printable

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I

Brightbill was like most youngsters. Most youngsters are incredibly curious. Brightbill was incredibly curious.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

5.18

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II The following sentence is Peter Brown’s combined sentence from The Wild Robot:

Like most youngsters, Brightbill was incredibly curious.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.18 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I In Peter Brown’s The Wild Robot, the gosling, Brightbill, learns to fly and continues to get better throughout the book.

Read each of these sentences below. Refer to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard.



Combine these three sentences into one:

Brightbill was becoming a flier. His flying was truly exceptional. Brightbill was given coaching from his mother.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE 5.18 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I (continued)

• When you finish, read your new sentence aloud to your group to see if the revised combination works. • Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class. • Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.18

Invitation to Combine: Part II Original Text from The Wild Robot The sentence below shows Peter Brown’s combined sentence in The Wild Robot:

With coaching from his mother, Brightbill was becoming a truly exceptional flier.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Chapter 4:

227

Invitation to COMBINE

5.19 Renaming to Combine Information Lesson Overview Revision goal connected to standards: Develop and strengthen writing by combining ideas to avoid redundancy, add clarity, and improve fluency.

Model Text Shirley Chisholm Is a Verb! – Written by Veronica Chambers – Illustrated by Rachelle Baker

Other Sentence Patterns

,

Teacher Considerations sentence

Opener

.

With this lesson, we continue revisiting the various ways students have learned to revise and how we can use these same strategies collectively to better combine our ideas and sentences using DRAFT. This lesson gives students an opportunity to combine ideas into a sentence structure with a closer, but this time using a clarifying detail (appositive) instead of a participle (verb ending with -ing).

Sen

, interrupter, tence .

Sentence

, closer . © Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson

We have taken a sentence from Veronica Chambers’s Shirley Chisholm Is a Verb! and, behind the scenes, deconstructed it into several separate sentences. Invite writers to consider the sentences as they move through the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard, looking for ways they can revise the collection into one sentence.

Patterns of Power tip box on page 426 invites teachers and students to study the sentence-closer pattern in a variety of ways.

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Setting the Context

Veronica Chambers teaches readers about the life of Shirley Chisholm, the first Black woman in Congress, in Shirley Chisholm Is a Verb! You may choose to read this picture book aloud to your students prior to this lesson as it ties beautifully to the work we do as writers and how we use grammar for meaning. To set a context for combining sentences, revisit the text and read aloud this excerpt from Shirley Chisholm Is a Verb!

Shirley’s family understood all about moving. Her mother was from Barbados, an island in the Caribbean.

ˮ

228

Now share with your students, “Veronica Chambers wants to tell us more about Shirley’s family. To do this, she can combine multiple ideas into one sentence.”

Revision Strategy Use DRAFT to combine ideas and sentences.

Modeling

Use the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard along with printable 5.19 Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I to explore the three sentences that need to be combined into one. “There are three sentences here. Let’s see if we can use DRAFT to help us combine the sentences into one, as we think about Shirley’s family and where they are from. First let’s read aloud the sentences”:

Guyana is a country. Guyana is in South America. Her father was from there.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

229

Modeling (continued)

“Let’s spend some time talking out ways we could combine these sentences, using any of the DRAFT strategies that help.” Return to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard and work through its mnemonic as you review how to use DRAFT as a guide to combine the sentences. “Do you see some words that are repeated? OK, let’s see what else the details are showing us. What connectors could we use?” As students examine their Connectors chart and discuss possibilities, share the sentence-closer pattern and model how writers use this pattern to combine, like we did when we changed our verbs to -ing verbs, or participles. “Let’s think about this. Connectors are words, but we can also use commas to separate but connect. Hmm, if I use this pattern, I could use the comma as a connector and write”: Guyana is a country in South America, her father was from there. “Well, when I read that aloud, it sounds more like a run-on sentence than a complete sentence. What if we rearrange and look for more repetition? Talk it out. What might we try?” Through discussion, invite your students to consider moving her father to the beginning of the sentence and working from there: Her father was from Guyana, a country in South America. Reveal the author’s original sentence using 5.19 Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II, prompting things along with the following reflective questions as necessary: • Why do you think Veronica combined the sentences in this way? • Is there another combination that would be effective? • Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as Veronica’s? • If your combination was different from Veronica’s, which do you prefer, and why?

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.19 Printable

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I

Guyana is a country.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

Guyana is in South America. Her father was from there.

5.19

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II The following sentence is Veronica Chambers’s combined sentence from Shirley Chisholm Is a Verb!:

Her father was from Guyana, a country in South America.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Collaborating Through Conversation

Distribute the printable 5.19 Invitation to Combine: Part I to each student. Following the directions on the printable and using DRAFT, students collaborate through conversation with one or more classmates to combine the sentences into one. Invite them to record their possibilities on the lines provided on the printable. When ready, students compare their choices with other partnerships or groups. For comparative analysis, display 5.19 Invitation to Combine: Part II to share the author’s original text. Use the reflective questions to facilitate a conversation about meaning and effect.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

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5.19 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I (continued)

234

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.19 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I In Shirley Chisholm Is a Verb!, Veronica Chambers teaches readers about the life of Shirley Chisholm, who decided to go into politics and worked for the New York State government. 236

Read each of these sentences below. Refer to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard.

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Combine these three sentences into one: 5.19

Invitation to Combine: Part II Then, Shirley ran for Congress.

Original Text from Shirley Chisholm Is a Verb!

The United States Congress is part of the government.

The sentence below shows how Veronica Chambers combined her ideas into one sentence in Shirley Chisholm Is a Verb!: It is the part that makes decisions for people all over the country. • When you finish, read your new sentence aloud to your group to see if the revised combination works. • Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class. • Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text.

Then, Shirley ran for the United States Congress, the part of the government that makes decisions for people all over the country.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way? © 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Chapter 4:

231

Invitation to COMBINE

Applying Revision

Students return to their own writing to play with different sentence combos, using the DRAFT strategies and noticing the different effects (Figure 5.19). Invite them to choose one section or paragraph to focus on. Remind them that they can use the sentence-closer pattern to help combine with additional or clarifying details.

Figure 5.19 This fifth grader chose to use closers to combine her ideas in a poem she had drafted in her notebook.

Sharing Results

To celebrate, students share their combinations with a partner, demonstrating how they used DRAFT to combine their ideas into one sentence. Invite them to highlight the connectors they used and explain how those connectors helped to combine their ideas.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.19 Printable

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I

Guyana is a country. Guyana is in South America. Her father was from there.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

5.19

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II The following sentence is Veronica Chambers’s combined sentence from Shirley Chisholm Is a Verb!:

Her father was from Guyana, a country in South America.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.19 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I In Shirley Chisholm Is a Verb!, Veronica Chambers teaches readers about the life of Shirley Chisholm, who decided to go into politics and worked for the New York State government.

Read each of these sentences below. Refer to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard.



Combine these three sentences into one:

Then, Shirley ran for Congress. The United States Congress is part of the government. It is the part that makes decisions for people all over the country.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE 5.19 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I (continued)

• When you finish, read your new sentence aloud to your group to see if the revised combination works. • Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class. • Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.19

Invitation to Combine: Part II Original Text from Shirley Chisholm Is a Verb! The sentence below shows how Veronica Chambers combined her ideas into one sentence in Shirley Chisholm Is a Verb!:

Then, Shirley ran for the United States Congress, the part of the government that makes decisions for people all over the country.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Chapter 4:

Invitation to COMBINE

5.20 Recomposing: Moving from Passive to Active Voice

Lesson Overview Revision goal connected to standards: Develop and strengthen writing by combining ideas to avoid redundancy, add clarity, and improve fluency.

Model Text Rotten! Vultures, Beetles, Slime, and Nature’s Other Decomposers – Written by Anita Sanchez – Illustrated by Gilbert Ford

Teacher Considerations In this final revision lesson, we invite students to switch from passive voice to active voice while forming new verbs. This can be complicated for young writers, so give as much guidance as needed without doing it for them. Engage them in conversations that make them wonder, using cues such as “What if we try . . . ?” Keep the exploration and play focused on meaning and effect as opposed to right or wrong. It will be important to continue the use of the Form New Verbs chart alongside the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard as students work through the choices they have as writers. Although we don’t spend a lot of time teaching fifth graders how to write with active voice, they often will write with it naturally. Some writers, though, may discover that a lot of their writing is more passive, and this option for revision will introduce them to new possibilities. They will go deeper with active versus passive voice in future grades.

Patterns of Power Lesson 6.5: Rain Pummeled the Ground Versus The Ground Was Pummeled by Rain: Finding Your Active Voice connects nicely to this revision lesson, giving students additional experiences with active voice.

237

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Setting the Context

Anita Sanchez teaches readers about decomposition and the living things that help with it in Rotten! Vultures, Beetles, Slime, and Nature’s Other Decomposers. On page 8, readers learn about dung beetles and how they use the dung they collect.

Rollers shape the dung into a giant ball—well, giant to them—fifty times their own weight . . . Dung beetles sometimes crawl on top of their ball and face the sun. More proof that dung beetles are sacred sun gods in disguise? Actually, the beetles are using the sun as a compass, to help them find their burrow.

ˮ

238

Then share with your students, using the author’s first name: “Anita explains what the beetles do next. One way she can do this is to combine some ideas into one sentence.”

Revision Strategy Use DRAFT to combine ideas and sentences.

Modeling

Use the DRAFT chart along with the printable 5.20 Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I to explore the three parts of the unrevised original sentence that need to be combined into one. “There are three sentences here that show what dung beetles do next. Let’s play around with revision, using DRAFT, and see if we can combine these three sentences into one. First let’s read them aloud and visualize what they are showing us.”

The ball is made of dung. The ball is buried by the beetles.

Eggs are laid in the ball by the female.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

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Modeling (continued)

“Let’s spend some time talking out ways we could combine these sentences, remembering that we can use any of the DRAFT strategies to help.” Review the DRAFT mnemonic as needed, and guide students to use the Form New Verbs chart (found on page 176) to explore their options for changing how verbs are used in sentences, moving from passive and active voice. Model how to combine the sentences, saying things like, “I see the phrase the ball three times. I’m sure I could revise this so there was only one phrase that says the ball, but I’m also thinking about the rearranging I can do here. Talk it out with a neighbor. How could we rearrange the words and add connectors or form new verbs?” Students may suggest forming a compound sentence, using the conjunction and. Honor this combination, even though it will most likely show passive voice: The ball of dung is buried by the beetles, and eggs are laid by the female. or The dung ball is buried by the beetles, and eggs are laid by the female in it. Then guide your students to think more about the subjects and possibilities for forming new verbs. “When I ask myself who or what is doing the action, I’m thinking about this sentence differently and other ways to rearrange it. Talk it out. What is doing the action in this part of the sentence? Yes! The beetles are the ones who bury the dung ball, so the beetles can be our subject. Let’s look at the Form New Verbs chart to see some of our options.” Guide students through moving the subject, the beetles, to the beginning of the sentence and changing the verb from is buried to bury. Repeat this process with the second half of the compound sentence, and write the new sentence down underneath the first attempts. Ask students which sentence feels most effective and why. This conversation will show that writers have choices, and it is up to them to determine how their ideas should sound when read aloud.. Once the students feel like they have an effective combination, reveal the author’s original sentence using the display page 5.20 Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II. Invite writers to compare and contrast their version with Anita Sanchez’s, using the reflective questions as a guide: • Why do you think Anita combined the sentences in this way? • Is there another combination that would be effective? • Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as Anita’s? • If your combination was different from Anita’s, which do you prefer, and why? 242

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.20 Printable

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I

The ball is made of dung.

The ball is buried by the beetles.

Eggs are laid in the ball by the female.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

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5.20

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II

The following sentence is Anita Sanchez’s combined sentence from Rotten! Vultures, Beetles, Slime, and Nature’s Other Decomposers:

The beetles bury the dung ball, and the female lays eggs in it.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect

• Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Collaborating Through Conversation

Distribute the printable 5.20 Invitation to Combine: Part I to each student. Following the directions provided and using DRAFT, students collaborate through conversation with one or more classmates to combine the sentences into one. Remind them to visualize first to consider the grouping and rearranging of words, figuring out what is doing the action, and to use the Form New Verbs chart to try out different verb forms. When ready, writers compare their choices with other partnerships or groups. Then display 5.20 Invitation to Combine: Part II to share the author’s original text for comparative analysis. Use the reflective questions to facilitate a conversation about meaning and effect.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE 244

Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

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5.20 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I (continued)

5.20 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I On page 8 of Anita Sanchez’s Rotten! Vultures, Beetles, Slime, and Nature’s Other Decomposers, we learn about dung beetles. After laying their eggs in the dung ball, the beetles protect the eggs until they hatch. Combine the sentences below to find out what happens after the eggs hatch into larvae.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

Read each of these sentences below. Refer to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard. Combine these three sentences into one:

5.20

Invitation to Combine: Part II Then their nest is devoured by the larvae. Their nest is made of dung.

Original Text from Rotten! Vultures, Beetles, Slime, and Nature’s Other Decomposers The sentence below shows Anita Sanchez’s combined sentence in Rotten! Vultures, Beetles, Slime, and Nature’s Other Decomposers:

Their nest is tasty. Then the larvae devour their tasty nest of dung. • When you finish, read your new sentence aloud to your group to see if the revised combination works. Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect • Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class. • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way? • Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text. • Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

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Applying Revision

Students return to their own writing to play with different sentence combinations, using the DRAFT strategies. Although this lesson focuses on active and passive voice, some writers might not have sentences that need to be revised in this way. Invite students to consider all revision options—deleting, rearranging, adding, forming new verbs, and combining— while talking it out as needed with a partner. Students notice the different effects.

Sharing Results

Celebrate revision in this final lesson with a graffiti board. Hang a piece of chart paper or a large strip of butcher paper in the classroom. With markers, students record one of their sentence combinations, or other revisions they made, on the paper in the handwriting of their choice, getting as creative as they wish: bubble letters, block letters, cursive, multicolored, and so on.

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.20 Printable

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part I

The ball is made of dung. The ball is buried by the beetles. Eggs are laid in the ball by the female.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE

5.20

Modeled Sentence Combo: Part II The following sentence is Anita Sanchez’s combined sentence from Rotten! Vultures, Beetles, Slime, and Nature’s Other Decomposers:

The beetles bury the dung ball, and the female lays eggs in it.

Reflective Questions on Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

243

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Patterns of Revision: Grade 5

5.20 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I On page 8 of Anita Sanchez’s Rotten! Vultures, Beetles, Slime, and Nature’s Other Decomposers, we learn about dung beetles. After laying their eggs in the dung ball, the beetles protect the eggs until they hatch. Combine the sentences below to find out what happens after the eggs hatch into larvae.

Read each of these sentences below. Refer to the DRAFT Reviser’s Dashboard.



Combine these three sentences into one:

Then their nest is devoured by the larvae. Their nest is made of dung. Their nest is tasty.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

Chapter 4: Invitation to COMBINE 5.20 Printable

Invitation to Combine: Part I (continued)

• When you finish, read your new sentence aloud to your group to see if the revised combination works. • Compare your version with other groups or pairs in your class. • Compare and contrast your version with the author’s original text.

© 2024 by Whitney La Rocca and Jeff Anderson from Patterns of Revision, Grade 5. Taylor & Francis Group.

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5.20

Invitation to Combine: Part II Original Text from Rotten! Vultures, Beetles, Slime, and Nature’s Other Decomposers The sentence below shows Anita Sanchez’s combined sentence in Rotten! Vultures, Beetles, Slime, and Nature’s Other Decomposers:

Then the larvae devour their tasty nest of dung.

Reflective Questions for Meaning and Effect • Why do you think the author combined the sentences in this way?

• Is there another combination that would be effective?

• Why do you think your combination was different from or the same as the author’s?

• If your combination was different from the author’s, which do you prefer, and why?

We study authors’ choices, not because they’re the only answer, but because they are an option. Writers need options.

Conclusion Living in a REVISION Mindset

Life is a balance between holding on and letting go. – Rumi

R

evision means change. And if we’re to be honest, we don’t all love change—at first—and neither do fifth graders. Change is new. Change can be difficult. Change takes time. Fifth-grade writers would much prefer to write a draft and be done with it—no revision, no editing. But keep in mind, everything doesn’t need to change all at once. Start in small chunks and your students will be able to handle larger and larger chunks over time. Making the right changes in our writing is making thoughtful decisions about what we’ll keep and what we’ll need to let go of. We know from professional writers that we learn the most about writing through revision. Like writing, we get better at revision by doing it. In Patterns of Revision, we designed the lessons to make the work of revision intriguing enough to be engaging, but also simple enough for fifth graders to succeed at and use. As you navigate through the lessons included here, you’ll begin to see that a limited set of options within the DRAFT mnemonic gives young writers a bite-sized way into revision. An action at a time. Patterns of Revision offers a structure with a healthy dose of conversation and open-endedness, providing the engagement that comes with choice while keeping things simple enough that students don’t become overwhelmed. Challenged not frozen. Playful not avoidant. Exploring not ignoring. Over the span of the lessons intermediate writers are intrigued that a few moves can make great improvement.

Revision is change. Be open. Listen. Allow space. Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come? – Rumi

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Children’s Literature Bibliography Albee, Sarah. 2020. Accidental Archaeologists: True Stories of Unexpected Discoveries. New York: Scholastic. Applegate, Katherine. 2023. The One and Only Ruby. New York: Harper Collins. Barnhill, Kelly. 2022. The Ogress and the Orphans. Chapel Hill, NC: Algonquin. Bellows, Melina Gerosa. 2022. Totally Random Facts, Volume 1: 3,128 Wild, Wacky, and Wondrous Things About the World. New York: Penguin Random House. Bondy, Halley. 2022. Don’t Sit on the Baby: The Ultimate Guide to Sane, Skilled, and Safe Babysitting. 2nd ed. Minneapolis, MN: Zest Books. Brown, Peter. 2016. The Wild Robot. New York: Little, Brown. Chambers, Veronica. 2020. Shirley Chisholm Is a Verb! New York: Dial Books for Young Readers. Corrigan, Sophie. 2022. Animal BFFs: Even Animals Have Best Friends! Minneapolis, MN: Quarto. Crull, Kelly. 2022. Washed Ashore: Making Art from Ocean Plastic. Minneapolis, MN: Millbrook. Dao, Julie C. 2022. Team Chu and the Battle of Blackwood Arena. New York: Macmillan. Eszterhas, Suzi. 2023. Operation Pangolin: Saving the World’s Only Scaled Mammal. Minneapolis, MN: Millbrook. Fleming, Candace. 2022. Crash from Outer Space. New York: Scholastic. Luqman-Dawson, Amina. 2022. Freewater. New York: Little, Brown. McDunn, Gillian. 2023. When Sea Becomes Sky. New York: Bloomsbury. Messner, Kate. 2021. History Smashers: The American Revolution. New York: Random House. Patterson, James, and Alexander, Kwame. 2020. Becoming Muhammad Ali. New York: Little, Brown. Salazar, Aida. 2022. A Seed in the Sun. New York: Penguin Random House. Sanchez, Anita. 2019. Rotten! Vultures, Beetles, Slime, and Nature’s Other Decomposers. New York: Clarion. Sheinkin, Steve. 2019. Born to Fly: The First Women’s Air Race Across America. New York: Roaring Book Press. Sís, Peter. 2021. Nicky & Vera: A Quiet Hero of the Holocaust and the Children He Rescued. New York: Norton. Soontornvat, Christina. 2020. All Thirteen: The Incredible Cave Rescue of the Thai Boys’ Soccer Team. Sommerville, MA: Candlewick.

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Professional Bibliography Anderson, Jeff. 2011. 10 Things Every Writer Needs to Know. Portland, ME: Stenhouse. Anderson, Jeff, and Deborah Dean. 2014. Revision Decisions: Talking Through Sentences and Beyond. Portland, ME: Stenhouse. Anderson, Jeff, with Whitney La Rocca. 2017. Patterns of Power: Inviting Young Writers into the Conventions of Language, Grades 1–5. Portland, ME: Stenhouse. Graham, Steve, and Delores Perin. 2007. Writing Next: Effective Strategies to Improve Writing of Adolescents in Middle and High School. A Report to Carnegie Corporation of New York. Washington, DC: Alliance for Education. Qarooni, Nawal. 2024. Nourish Caregiver Collaborations: Elevating Home Experiences and Classroom Practices for Collective Care. New York: Routledge. Steward, Melissa, and Marlene Correia. 2021. 5 Kinds of Nonfiction: Enriching Reading and Writing Instruction with Children’s Books. Portsmouth, NH: Stenhouse. Vygotsky, Lev S. 1978. Mind in Society: The Development of Higher Psychological Process. Ed. and trans. Michael Cole, Vera John-Steiner, Sylvia Scribner, and Ellen Souberman. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

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