Nothing is wrong and here is why: essays [First edition] 9781324006459, 9781324006466, 1324006455

Table of contents :
Introduction --
Prologue: Welcome to the new physics! --
Part I: The brightest timeline. Chris Christie's wordless screaming --
Waiting for pivot: A GOP tragicomedy --
Nasty women --
Donald Trump and his sons will never talk business again --
The true, correct story of what happened at Donald Trump's inauguration --
Trumps' budget makes perfect sense and will fix America, and I will tell you why --
Every story I have read about Trump supporters in the past week --
This is not a crisis, Republicans say, as a large spider slowly devours them --
What the ethics chief really wanted to say in his resignation letter --
A moderate speaks: by God, won't someone else take a stand? --
How Paul Manafort came by $934,350 in antique carpets --
Melania Trump wants to spend Christmas on a deserted island (with her family) --
The day Donald Trump first became a stable genius --
Welcome to the normal, low-end furniture store for Trump cabinet members --
Keep Scott Pruitt moist --
I'm beginning to suspect these were not, in fact, the best people --
How dare you do this to Brett Kavanaugh? --
The FBI has been very easy to reach about Brett Kavanaugh, and of course the report has been quite easy to read --
You are in Melania Trump's nightmare forest of cursed red trees. Keep to the path. --
Lock her up? --
My book report on The Mueller Report --
You think Trump's getting impeached? I defy you to convince anyone at this cursed truck stop. --
Part II: Routine nightmares and soothing fables. It is very difficult to get the train to stop --
A humanizing profile of your local neo-nazi --
Now Michelle and Ivanka are neighbors --
Why won't this career die? --
Raising baby Hitler --
You may already be running --
The privilege tree --
Part III: This follows. Excuse me, Director, I have some questions about my role in the spring play as a crisis actor --
Everything you wanted to know about deep state but were too scared to ask --
Some classic episodes of Trump's space force --
Welcome to AP U.S. History! Everyone say Hi to the tank and the 150 heavily armed men. --
Part IV: Modest proposals and other commentary. A good time to talk about gun laws --
I am sick of these children demanding safe spaces --
This magic is too strong to stop --
How to sleep at night when families are being separated at the border --
Play the "woman card" and reap these rewards --
That five-year-old refugee has diabolical plans --
I will not take my husband's name --
Part V: How not to do things wrong. Famous quotes, the way a woman ought to say them in a meeting --
Some interpersonal verbs, conjugated by gender --
How to fact-check --
How to speak woman --
How to parent wrong --
What to call racist remarks instead of calling them racist remarks --
So, you must speak to the woman who is wearing headphones --
Part VI: Finally, we hear from men, measles, and a pigeon. Please stop vaccinating your children. I want to go to Disneyland. --
Sorry, I obey the Billy Graham rule --
I am a state legislator, and I am here to substitute-teach your biology class --
Male authors describe men in literature right --
Surprise! I'm back, and I atoned --
Without the swimsuit part of Miss America, when will I be able to judge women's appearances? --
I'm fine with women in power, just not this one specific woman currently in power --
I am in favor of Confederate statues. I am definitely not a pigeon.