Negotiation Parenting : Or how not to raise a brat in today's complex world [1 ed.] 9789814721868, 9789814721486

Citation preview

PARENTING

This book takes a bold step in examining major parenting styles across the world and puts forward negotiation parenting as the answer to small-family parenting. Negotiation parenting is about making decisions that will help nurture and develop your child through the combined application of principled negotiation, informed choices and modern parenting strategies.

About the Author Dr Foo Koong Hean lectures psychology at James Cook University, Singapore Campus. He is also a consultant psychologist at the School of Positive Psychology in Singapore. His research and publications have focused on parenting styles and practices as well as child-parent relationships.

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NEGOTIATION

PARENTING or

How not to raise a brat in today’s complex world

Marshall Cavendish Editions

PARENTING

ISBN 978-981-4721-48-6

NEGOTIATION PARENTING

In today’s increasingly hectic and complex world, there is a growing trend towards small families as many women are having children later in life and the cost of child-rearing rises. As families of one to three kids become the norm, a new approach is needed to bring up children to the best of their potential.

DR FOO KOONG HEAN

NEGOTIATION

DR FOO KOONG HEAN

NEGOTIATION

PARENTING or How not to raise a brat in today’s complex world

DR FOO KOONG HEAN

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© 2015 Marshall Cavendish International (Asia) Private Limited Designer: Benson Tan Published by Marshall Cavendish Business An imprint of Marshall Cavendish International 1 New Industrial Road, Singapore 536196 All rights reserved No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the copyright owner. Requests for permission should be addressed to the Publisher, Marshall Cavendish International (Asia) Private Limited, 1 New Industrial Road, Singapore 536196. Tel: (65) 6213 9300, fax: (65) 6285 4871. E-mail: [email protected]. Website: www.marshallcavendish.com/genref The publisher makes no representation or warranties with respect to the contents of this book, and specifically disclaims any implied warranties or merchantability or fitness for any particular purpose, and shall in no event be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damage, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages. Other Marshall Cavendish Offices: Marshall Cavendish Corporation. 99 White Plains Road, Tarrytown NY 10591-9001, USA • Marshall Cavendish International (Thailand) Co Ltd. 253 Asoke, 12th Flr, Sukhumvit 21 Road, Klongtoey Nua, Wattana, Bangkok 10110, Thailand • Marshall Cavendish (Malaysia) Sdn Bhd, Times Subang, Lot 46, Subang Hi-Tech Industrial Park, Batu Tiga, 40000 Shah Alam, Selangor Darul Ehsan, Malaysia. Marshall Cavendish is a trademark of Times Publishing Limited National Library Board, Singapore Cataloguing-in-Publication Data Foo, Koong Hean, author Negotiation parenting or how not to raise a brat in today’s complex world / Dr. Foo Koong Hean. – Singapore : Marshall Cavendish Editions, 2015. pages cm. ISBN : 978-981-4721-48-6 (paperback) 1. Parenting. 2. Child psychology. 3. Child development. I. Title. HQ755.8 649.1 – dc23

OCN 921124200

Printed in Singapore by Markono Print Media Pte Ltd

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CONTENTS

Preface

05

SECTION ONE: Negotiation Parenting

09

What is Negotiation Parenting?

10

Human Development and the Environment

13

Influences on Parenting

20

From Conception to Young Adulthood and Beyond

31

SECTION TWO: Comparing Parenting Styles

45

Types of Parenting Styles

46

Factors Affecting Parenting Styles

54

Discussion

57

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SECTION THREE: Small-family Parenting

65

Background to Small-family Parenting

66

A Word on Filial Piety

76

What is Small-family Parenting?

81

Conditions for Small-family Parenting

86

How do Small-family Parents Perceive the Self, Others and the World?

105

What do Small-family Parents do?

114

Factors Affecting Small-family Parenting

121

Advantages and Disadvantages of Small-family Parenting

124

Small-family Parenting and Mental Health

139

What are the Implications for Small-family Children?

149

Conclusion

157

About the Author

159

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PREFACE

Having a child is a blissful event, a gift from nature. But bringing up a child seems to be an ever-greater challenge to all parents, anywhere in the world. Why is this so? Nature has it that people procreate for the next generation to succeed themselves. Cultures and traditions dictate when to do what, what to uphold, what to pass down, what to change, etc. But social developments serve to alter norms, customs and practices, more so in today’s world, where every nation desires to develop for growth and success. What happens then is that things change, places change, systems change, but many people choose to retain the same thinking, feeling and practices. Many people go through life following the steps of others, without asking themselves why they are doing it. Many people, however, do keep up with major changes in a society, both economically and socially, but do not adjust their mindset about bringing up children in step with

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these other changes. Many continue with having their children emulate them, succeed them, or be better than them, according to their existing expectations, without bringing out the individual giftedness in their children. Some parenting experts take this opportunity to promote the area of parenting they experienced, researched and practiced. In the Western world, very different parenting styles have been tried over the years, which can be broadly divided into authoritative, permissive, and uninvolved. The authoritative parenting style has proved time and again to be the more suitable and effective style in bringing up children. Asian researchers have investigated these parenting styles with Asian families in the context of Eastern traditions, practices and customs. For example, I have found that Singaporeans practise filial parenting, which produces a generation of children who are very different from those of previous generations, given the changing landscape of Singapore society. Feedback from public talks in Singapore have provided extensive evidence that filial parenting exists and there is much need to do something about it — meaning, taking action to right the disadvantages it has generated. Presentations of the same topic at local and international conferences have garnered views from Chinese, Hongkongers, Indians, Filipinos, Malaysians, and Taiwanese, that families in these countries are doing the same. Interestingly, a Russian psychologist commented that filial parenting has existed in Russia for the last 100 years, except it has not been given a proper reference! Having lived and visited many parts of the world, I have

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Preface

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observed that we may already be experiencing what is called small-family parenting — that is, families with fewer children, generally a maximum three. The main differences between parenting practices in different parts of the world are due to culture and environment. For example, in Asia, this parenting style runs well with collectivism, whereas in Western countries, the style is more individualistic. Where countries adopt a combination of collectivism and individualism, like Singapore, small-family parenting takes on a mixed role, probably that of filial parenting. Given the nature of events and progress in many nations, where small families are preferred over large families, small-family parenting may become the norm. Hence, there is the need to identify its mechanism and rectify any disadvantage it has caused for the betterment of families, societies and nations. This book has taken the bold step of examining closely major parenting styles across the world and puts forth negotiation parenting as a solution, using small-family parenting as the basic model, and filial parenting to illustrate culture-specific issues. Readers are very welcome to write to me with their views of the book after appraising its contents. Section One examines negotiation parenting within the context of the many related concepts found in business, psychology, philosophy, medicine and science. Parents around Asia, and probably around the world, may find this parenting style a captivatingly new approach to use to work with their children, if they have not already done so. In contrast, Section Two provides a survey of existing major parenting styles, and how these different styles compare.

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NEGOTIATION PARENTING

Section Three examines small-family parenting, the likely parenting style adopted by many small families all over the world, including how it is emerging, how it is developing, and how it works. Also covered are thoughts and behaviours of small-family parents, factors that affect this parenting style, advantages and disadvantages of families adopting the small-family parenting style, the consequent mental health issues for both parents and children, and the impact of bringing up children with the smallfamily parenting style on the economy, with respect to people managers — those who have to teach, train, work with, and care for the human products of small-family parenting. The book concludes giving an idea of what it would be like if more societies adopt the small-family parenting style and if negotiation parenting can provide the answer to parenting children through the twenty-first century!

NOTE The book is intended for all parents and interested adults. Observed facts and issues are identified, taken and interpreted from the psychological, social, medical and philosophical viewpoints. Anecdotes are used occasionally to illustrate important points. They are not meant to offend any individual, family or culture, but are designed to assist in the parenting of children in today’s world. The references at the end of each chapter list the main sources.

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Section One

NEGOTIATION PARENTING Negotiation Parenting is a term I have coined to describe a parenting style that I believe is superior to the various existing approaches to parenting. It involves using current knowledge on human development and the environment, along with guidance from professionals or recognised sources, to negotiate the most suitable pathway for children’s growth, from conception to death. Negotiation means preparing, planning and doing, to ensure children grow steadily and healthily. Parents need as much information as possible to raise their offspring. Specifically, it focuses on eating right; avoiding dangers while allowing the exploration of the child’s surroundings; learning and practising (including contributing and helping) sufficiently for survival; and understanding human relationships and nature in the process.

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WHAT IS NEGOTIATION PARENTING?

Negotiation parenting is about making decisions that will help nurture and develop your children through the combined application of principled negotiation, informed choices and modern parenting strategies. In the business strategy1 of principled negotiation, based on the 2011 book by Roger Fisher and William Ury, Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement without Giving In, decision making is influenced by the use of knowledge and facts, standards and structures, and reasoning and logic. For example, if a child is going to a pre-school in a couple of months, the parent will not just register with the nearest childcare centre. Instead, they will research all the available childcare centres around the home and compare their qualities. Then, a decision is made about which one is most suitable after considering the needs of the child and the wants of the parents. If the decision is difficult, the parents may compare a preferred centre with the qualities of a renowned

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What is Negotiation Parenting?

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childcare centre. If a decision is still not possible, the parents will adopt the freedom and flexibility offered through principled negotiation, and choose the most suitable centre for the time being. Decisions are not made merely on a whim or emotion, or because of one’s beliefs, past experience or social position. Decisions are made after careful consideration, with the gathering of facts and information, or even with professional help. In choice theory2, based on the 2000 book by William Glasser, Counseling with Choice Theory: The New Reality Therapy, people with problems are helped by professional advice from various recognised sources, to decide for themselves which pathway they would choose to resolve the problem. Often, these people are stuck in controlling thought and behaviour patterns, finding no way out of their fixation. Thus, this entails shifting one’s perception of the problem to a rarely or hardly considered opposing view. For example, a person may be depressed because of issues with a partner or colleagues in their workplace. This person’s depression remains entrenched because of fixed thoughts and feelings, which are driving attitudes, beliefs and actions in everyday life and relationships. Worse still, if this person keeps everything within himself, stays away from others, drops pleasurable activities, loses his appetite for food, and loses sleep, it will seem to others that the person chooses to be this way. But change will come about if the person reflects correctly on what is causing the depression, opens his mind to fresh viewpoints, and decides to step out of it with changes through positive thought, feeling and action. This is making the choice for the self, the right choice!

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In modern parenting strategies, choice-making for children is influenced by the parents’ philosophy of life3, past parenting styles, the understanding of children and parents themselves, by children’s natural preference to explore the world, by children’s natural desire to contribute to their surroundings, by children’s learning styles, and what types of food are available for children. These areas will be examined in the following sections. Put together, negotiation parenting involves the parents or adult carers making decisions (principled negotiation and informed choices) on the nurturance and development (modern parenting strategies) of their children with and without their children’s input, depending on the age of the child. Children’s input is not needed until they are ready or capable of contributing cognitively and emotionally. But children’s input is definitely needed as soon as they are able to make choices. Above all, it’s the parents’ understanding, reflection and actions that really count.

NEGOTIATION PARENTING means making decisions for the nurturance and development of your children through PRINCIPLED NEGOTIATION, INFORMED CHOICES and MODERN PARENTING STRATEGIES.

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HUMAN DEVELOPMENT AND THE ENVIRONMENT

The basic method of negotiation parenting is about parents using all the available knowledge of the world and environment for their children. This seems to be an obvious fact. Which parents are not doing this for their children’s sake, you may ask? But with the complexity of modern life, parenting using past understanding and some present knowledge is not enough! Negotiation parenting provides some rudimentary information that parents should arm themselves with if they would like to nurture successful children. Let us first look at the world today, with a population of over seven billion people vying for limited resources. Put simply, to cater to the needs of trade, industry and housing, business people extract natural minerals from the soil, transport them to every town or country that needs them, to make them into usable products. To provide food, farmers resort to artificial means to mass produce; animal farmers fatten quickly their two- and four-

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legged charges with proteins, grains, and animal leftovers and drug them with antibiotics when they are sick; food suppliers resort to chemicals to preserve the produce; and food caterers resort to artificial chemicals to flavour and entice the palates of the masses. Wastes and waste products are put back into the earth through burying and burning, some after conversion processes. As a result, we see pollution of the environment from land to sea to air and, even in outer space, and the consumption of unsafe unnatural foods. On top of this, we have high-tech electronics bombarding us with unseen, damaging rays such as electromagnetic radiation, radio waves, microwaves, and optical radiation. Is this a price to pay for modernisation? What does all this add up to? That, compared to the past, we no longer live in a simple, clean and safe environment; it is full of teratogens and harmful substances. The air we breathe is not without pollutants and contaminants that will affect our respiratory system; the water we drink is not without chemicals that will affect our digestive system and body; the land is not without pollutants that will affect our mind and body; the food we consume is not without undesirable chemicals that will affect our health. Biomedical science4 provides us with abundant information on how the human body copes with the environment of teratogens and dangerous substances, the consequences of which are labelled illness and disorders (like eczema, cancer), including mental effects (such as attention deficit hyperactive disorder). This is the reason the medical model is so well adored by people all over the world. Every person who is unwell would desire to be treated and

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Human Development and the Environment

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cured immediately with one pill or an injection, even for a mental illness. Unfortunately, biomedical science works on a disease model, not a prevention model: that is, health equals an absence of disease rather than the good functioning of the body. The labels mean that doctors know the signs and symptoms of the problem and have a drug or set of drugs to manage them. We often see a drug prescribed to treat the symptoms of an illness (e.g., getting cut on the skin), suppressing the pain and giving immediate relief to the sufferer, rather than allowing the body to heal itself. The drug delays the natural healing process and complicates matters, upsetting the body’s natural defences, producing side effects and making it susceptible to other dangers. To make matters worse, most drugs sedate the person and reduce his or her sensations and thoughts — the ability to think of another way out. So, go for natural, holistic remedies. Drugs work best in their natural form as herbal plants, not in extracted forms as a chemical; the same goes for health supplements. Long-term use of drugs and health supplements do lead to unwanted, harmful effects (called “side effects”, which are often major but played down). Go for prevention: remember, prevention is better than cure! Medical science till today has no cure for many diseases, but just alleviates or suppresses symptoms, providing pain relief; all so-called “cures” are really the effects of prevention. Ninety-nine percent of people are born healthy, but misguided by wrong information (frequently advertisements), coupled with misbehaviours (e.g., unsafe actions) and influences from environmental conditions, they become sick. Living on medication is not living, it is medicated survival! Normally,

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people do not know they are sick or unfit until they are reduced to 30 percent of their functioning. What doctors often have to do is to salvage whatever is left. Enzyme theory5 has it that we have a finite number of enzymes in a person’s lifetime. Everything the person does uses up enzymes. When depleted, the person’s life comes to an end. The only way to avoid depletion of enzymes is to consume fresh, raw foods, like fruits and vegetables, which provide enzymes. Unfortunately, not all raw foods are safe to eat raw, like meats, including fish, especially with today’s contamination of the environment and methods of farming. Similarly, cooked foods lose most of their nutrients. Perhaps humans are the only living organisms on earth who need to eat cooked foods. Overcooked foods, like barbequed foods, are the worst, as charred or burnt food cause disease or are carcinogenic. The more methods of cooking humans work out for themselves to enjoy food, the more health problems we are creating. Wholefoods theory6 contends that one should consume foods obtained whole and prepared immediately, and not from chopped up foods for later use, as enzymes and nutrition from the latter group will be mostly lost. For example, if you want to eat some watermelon, buy one whole and cut it up before consuming. Similarly, eating processed food is not advisable. Processed foods are those prepared and kept for later consumption because of convenience. Convenience, however, could mean eating large amounts of hidden salt, fats, and sugar, including preservatives, colourings and flavourings. Examples of processed foods are bacon, granola bars, instant noodles, flavoured nuts and dried

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Human Development and the Environment

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fruits, margarine, and frozen dinners; in fact, most foods that are packed in bags or cans or nice-looking containers are likely to be processed foods. Additionally, some foods that appear innocent, like plain flour, are not good for us, mainly because they are bleached white. Colourings and flavourings have been found to affect the behaviours of children so badly that some have become aggressive, attention-deficit or hyperactive, and less intelligent. Artificial sugar, refined white sugar and its coloured relatives, is another great source of harm for human consumption. Foods have natural sugars, so we do not need to sweeten them. Adding artificial sugar to food helps to damage our teeth, increase fats, and promote aging. Eating oily or fatty foods promotes diabetes and breathing problems. So stay away from fast foods, and stick to home-cooked meals without the artificial chemicals. Food or medical intuition7 has it that signs and symptoms in our body are signals that we should take note of after consuming foods. For example, if we ate bread and had a bloated tummy thereafter, it is a sign telling us we might be gluten-intolerant. If we ignore that and continue consuming bread, we may end up with celiac disease, a problem with the small intestines that will affect absorption of nutrients from foods. Another example: if we ate eggs and suffered skin inflammation, nasal congestion, cramps, or asthmatic coughing thereafter, we might be allergic to eggs. Most people continue to consume foods that are not suitable for them. The signs and symptoms are ignored or explained away. So the body continues to take the punishment from these foods, culminating in big problems for the organs and systems. Few people believe a pain in the leg can be caused by food consumption!

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Eat-for-Good-Health8 holds that we should eat mainly fruits and vegetables, a normal portion of staples, but only 5 percent of meat, including fish; forget snacks between meals, and no supper. Animal meats are highly acidic and toxic to the human body. With the farming methods of today, these meats are laced with hormones (artificial ones ingested for quicker growth, natural ones from stresses to the animals), and antibiotics and other drugs that are used to treat the animals when sick. To avoid fruits and vegetables that are sprayed with pesticides and fertilizers, and genetically modified, go for organic or homegrown produce. And eating well has to go with regular exercise: a brisk walk or jog for 30 minutes at least three times a week. Finally, reduce stress to a minimum for normal functioning, as stress raises hormones (cortisol) that will damage body organs and systems if prolonged. Let’s look more closely at the effects of cortisol. Cortisol, an important hormone in the body, is secreted by the adrenal glands and involved in metabolising glucose, regulating blood pressure, maintaining insulin release for blood sugar, immune functioning and inflammatory responding, among others. Its levels are highest in the morning and lowest at night. Caused by stress, cortisol is released into the bloodstream as a defence. When stress passes, the body returns to normal. Small increases of cortisol have some positive effects: a quick burst of energy for survival purposes, heightened memory functions, a burst of increased immunity, lower sensitivity to pain, helping to maintain homeostasis in the body. With prolonged stress, more cortisol is present in the bloodstream, impairing cognitive performance, suppressing

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thyroid function, upsetting blood sugar levels, decreasing bone density and muscle tissue, raising blood pressure, lowering immunity and inflammatory responses in the body, slowing the healing process, and increasing abdominal fat. So, there is a need to relax and keep cortisol at healthy levels. Use humour, laughter, meditation and exercise to reduce stress. Thanks to the Internet, we now have access to unlimited information on the World Wide Web. Remember, knowledge is power! Now, knowledge is also health! It pays to read and know more about what we are getting in life for ourselves, our loved ones, and for all of humankind.

OUR BODY and the ENVIRONMENT Be aware of the changes to our ecosystem and our body. Avoid teratogens, toxic substances, and medical drugs (if possible). Listen to your body’s signs and symptoms for problems. Choose your foods carefully; eat staples, with more fruits and vegetables. Eat only to 90 percent fullness. Reduce stress, exercise regularly. Prevention is better than cure!

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INFLUENCES ON PARENTING

Now we turn to something closer to what you want to know for your children. Cognitive neuroscience,9 using sophisticated equipment (like magnetic resonance imaging and computed tomography) and high technology (like histology), has allowed us to gain insights into the composition and workings of the structures and functions of the human body from foetus, through infant, child, and teenager to adult. Consequently, we are better at explaining the development of body parts and their related functions. We now know which parts of the brain are functioning when we are thinking, feeling, planning and taking actions, resting, dreaming, remembering, paying attention and correcting errors, talking and socializing, among others. Extrapolating the findings from cognitive neuroscience into parenting highlights the importance of two parenting styles: smart parenting and parenting from inside-out.

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Influences on Parenting

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Smart parenting has it that children have natural gifts and abilities and should be free to explore their surroundings for learning purposes. Basically, children do have preference for one of three forms of mental patterns of perception, thinking, learning, and communication — visual, auditory and tactile — though they use them interchangeably throughout the day. But first, parents have to identify their own mind patterns before they interact with their children or help their children interact with the world. These mind patterns go with three types of attention: focusing attention used when concentrating, involving beta brain waves; sorting or shifting attention when wondering or confused, involving alpha brain waves; and imagining attention used when spacing out, involving theta brain waves. Children with a preference for visual learning like to look at scenery, drawings, and photographs to gain a big picture of things and events before proceeding to study and learn from them. Those with a preference for auditory learning like to listen to conversations, discourse, talks, dialogue, etc, to sieve out the meanings and contents from them. Those who prefer tactile learning like to touch, play, manipulate, and feel objects and things to understand them. Obviously, if a child is a tactile learner and is in a class having to listen to a lesson, he will soon find it dull and boring. If a child is a visual learner and is placed in a class where the teacher talks with few visual aids, he will soon lose interest. If a child is an audio learner and is placed in a class where lots of slides are used, he may be worn out soon by the visual stimuli. Thus, if a parent has a different learning style from his or her child, a conflict of

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interest will result. This is not to say that people with different learning styles cannot work and play together. Smart parenting has it that parents adopt a different approach to teaching and learning with their children. For example, the parent could visit a cultural museum if the child likes hands-on learning of historical art and craft, then return home and talk about the experience if the parent is an audio learner. All it takes is a compromise of learning styles. When it comes to attending school, most tactile learners, who make up more than a third of students, would reject the education system that requires them to sit still in class and listen to a talk by the teacher, even with classroom paper exercises. What they need are excursions to places of interests. Since excursions are few, most of these students would end up behind in class ratings compared with more visual and audio learners. This could explain why the hiring of tutors is so common — they provide a different approach to the same subject taught by teachers, probably responding well to the child’s learning preference. But you may wonder, how do I know my child is visual, audio or tactile? Read the 2005 book on SMART parenting by Dawna Markova.10 Otherwise, use this rule of thumb: if your child prefers play to reading a book or looking at pictures, he or she is likely a tactile learner. If your child reads a lot, he or she is likely to be a visual learner. If your child prefers to listen and then acts on instructions, he or she is likely an audio learner. Such a preference is quite pronounced throughout the child’s growth, though it may vary throughout the day. Just be observant of your child. Put simply, smart parenting advocates

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Influences on Parenting

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connecting with your children by engaging them at every moment of their learning and development. Parenting from inside-out,11 based on the 2003 book by and Mary Hartzell, Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive, argues that the parent-child relationship is crucial in parenting. In other words, the way our parents treat us is internalised and affects how we treat our children. Such childhood experiences and life stories directly affect our brain development in relationships. Forgotten childhood experiences might frustrate parenthood, thus we have to reflect on our own childhood life stories before we parent our children. For example, if your parents shouted at you to do your schoolwork, you would have learnt that it was the way to be reminded by one’s parents to complete schoolwork. If you didn’t mind and still remember that shout today, you won’t be aware that it was not a helpful method to build discipline and responsibility in a child. Worst still, if you did the same with your own child, and they responded negatively, you could find yourself in conflict with them over homework. A loving and secure parent-child relationship indicates a strong attachment, which in turn would help raise compassionate, resilient, happy and healthy children. Children do not have memories of their first two years because their brain memory systems (mainly the hippocampus) are not fully developed. Learning after two years creates accessible meanings and feelings throughout life. Thus, it is important that parents resolve their past issues, then listen to their children, reflect

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their story back to them, and help them make sense of it. Raising self-disciplined children, based on the 2007 book12 by Robert Brooks and Sam Goldstein, Raising a Self-disciplined Child: Help Your Child Become More Responsible, Confident and Resilient, argues that leaving children to grow up without setting limits will produce children who are without self-discipline and are not responsible for their actions. Lack of self-discipline means having difficulty in problem-solving and decision-making. Not being responsible means losing control over one’s actions. Combined, this means trouble. Parents with difficult children will know what I mean. Thus, there is a need to raise children from their early years to be self-disciplined, responsible and resilient. Discipline is a teaching process about being thoughtful, compassionate and responsible. Discipline is not about punishment. With selfdiscipline comes the ability to solve problems and make decisions. Children often say the following when solving problems and making decisions, or when they are in trouble: “I wish my parents had set limits on my behaviour; even though I might be fighting them, I’d know they loved and cared for me, and made me a self-disciplined and responsible person.”

MODERN PARENTING STYLES Know your learning style and those of your children. Reflect on your childhood. Raise self-disciplined, resilient children.

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CULTURE AND FAITH Culture is the human environment one lives in, which consists of the customs and practices of people, as well as the infrastructure and businesses. Culture is one of the main factors defining the parenting style that people believe in and apply. Often, together with culture comes faith. Faith may involve a non-religious belief or a religious affiliation. A common religious affiliation (like Christianity, Buddhism and Hinduism) unites people for a common cause, often a secondary one, because everyone’s main focus in life is different. A non-religious faith, like atheism, humanism and freethinking, also unites people. Where parenting is concerned, the adherence to a culture and faith leads to common development of children within the group. Behaviours are predictable. Thoughts and feelings are understood by all. This can be both a status quo as well as progress. Conversely, strict adherence to culture and faith may stifle openness to new experiences or flexibility. Imagine a child wanting to be a street singer when everyone else in his culture strives for excellence in education? Here, parents should observe and act accordingly. Interconnectedness means the ease of communication, like Internet services and inter-nation travels, and it has made people all over the world aware of the customs and practices of others. In today’s world, few nations can remain monocultural. At the least, one group is influenced by the proximity of another group, or more groups. Consequently, whichever group we belong to, we have to accept the presence of others, be it our children, relatives, neighbours, community or nation. In other words, be open-minded about culture.

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Adhere to a cultural ethos to prolong cohesion of individuals and groups.

FAMILY IS THE MAIN SUPPORT Life starts in the family, even for orphans, though the family may be a fostered one or in a home. In traditional families, fathers take on the role of provider and disciplinarian whereas mothers usually provide emotional warmth and nurturance. Thus, parental roles are complementary in child rearing. In this day and age, co-parenting is the norm,13 where parental responsibilities are defined and shared. A supportive family environment is made up of parents who are interested and actively involved. The types of parental involvement include setting high but practical goals, encouraging the child’s progress, and having a scheduled routine that balances both work and play. Thus, parents play proactive and protective roles in enhancing their child’s self-esteem and help him or her manage stress.14 There is no stronger social bond than being part of a family. Remember, blood is thicker than water. No normal parent will ever neglect his or her child. No gratuitous child will neglect his or her parents. No matter what our social model, whether individualistic (Western societies) or collectivist (Asian societies), we stick with our family, whether we are living together, or apart. I suspect that the break-up of parents is sometimes caused by too much individualism — meaning that the husband and wife are too strong in character to compromise to maintain a family. Most cases in psychotherapy have shown that family support is the first line of strength and defence for personal problems.

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Never lose sight of keeping contact with the family. To keep the family intact for life (even if children are married and have moved away), it is important to have a set of family values that are inculcated into each member from young. For example, this may involve Buddhist principles and teachings for Chinese, or biblical knowledge for Christians. It is the parents’ duty to inculcate them, be it from tradition or faith, or both. What is happening, in Singapore and perhaps elsewhere, is that most family morals and values are lost to modernisation, leaving the teachings to schools and places of worships. Perhaps the Muslim community is the only group that manages to uphold this practice. Even with the teaching of morals and values in schools, much is lost if not maintained at home. Family morals and values can bond a family, even beyond two generations, due to a shared philosophy of life, sense of belongingness and familial security.

An intact family with a set of values provides a lifelong living.

EVERY PERSON LIVES HIS OR HER OWN LIFE A little philosophy is necessary here to kick off some thoughts for actions by parents. When a person is conceived they become a separate life. Their genetic material (genotype) will determine how they will grow into a person (phenotype). Billions of human nerves (neurons) make up the structure of each brain, constituting his or her mind

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or psyche. In turn, the experience of the person will influence the nerves in their connectivity (strengthening synapses, removing unwanted synapses, etc.); hence, modifying the brain structures, making each brain, and each person, unique. The genetic determination process is affected, too; that is, one’s behaviours will modify his or her genes and their functions. In a person’s formative years, they need help surviving. That is where parents provide care and nurturance. Whatever parents do in the best interests of their child, ultimately, the child has his own life. This means the child needs freedom of expression and of the mind in exploring one’s surroundings for learning and experience. As a consequence, the body and mind grow into a mature form with guidance from family, school and society. However, there are many occasions when this natural expression conflicts with care and nurturance; for example, imposing school rules on a child who desires freedom of action. If conflict arises for the natural growth of the body and mind, let it exercise its freedom. Any artificial imposition against nature will lead to frustration; worse, it could sour the childparent relationship. This frustration is at its peak when the child desires to make his or her own decisions, often when a teenager. At this time, parents have to learn to let go. To love is to let go. Parents should accept children for who they are, not what the parents wish, expect and hope they will be. Parents are also living persons. Whatever happens in life, every individual has his or her own growth and development. With or without children, you are still yourself. Similarly, with

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or without your spouse, you are still yourself. Love yourself well as you would love others, then. When a child does something wrong, parents should not take the blame, unless it is something within their control and they failed to take action. No matter how well a child is cared for, with all rules and precautions in place, the body and mind of the child will still take its own course of desired action. The body and mind has to learn its way in the world. Again, parents have to let go of this bad feeling of guilt. Responsibility is the virtue to inculcate here. When something bad happens to the child, be it an illness, accident or disaster, and the child dies, it is again no fault of the parents; it is fate. Natural childhood15 recommends that parents let their children enjoy childhood according to the latter’s preferences and talents, going more with nature than the social environment. As already stated, children are born to explore and learn the world of their own accord; but adults stifle this exploration through organised, systematic mandatory schooling, which doesn’t suit the one-third of children who are tactile learners. Alternatively, these schools should include more hands-on and outdoor activities. Unfortunately, given the hot and humid environment of Singapore, coupled with children brought up in cool, air-conditioned homes, outdoor activities are not desirable. On top of this, Singapore does not provide enough grass fields or gardens for children to explore; most fields and gardens are man-made. One atlernative is homeschooling where qualified parents are approved by government ministries to educate their

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children at home, with regular social activities arranged among such children.

Every person has a life of his or her own, including you. Be true to yourself.

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FROM CONCEPTION TO YOUNG ADULTHOOD AND BEYOND

The significant stages of the three trimesters of the development of a baby are outlined below: The first trimester (Weeks 1–12): At 4 weeks, the baby is an embryo with brain, spinal cord, and heart; at 8 weeks, it is a foetus with major organs, external body structures, and sex organs; at 12 weeks, its nerves and muscles work together. The first trimester is the most crucial to the baby’s development; most birth defects and miscarriages occur during this period. The second trimester (Weeks 13–28): By 16 weeks, the baby has a skeleton, skin and intestinal tract, and makes sucking motions with the mouth; by 20 weeks, it is covered by fine hair and a waxy coat, is active, can scratch, hear and swallow; by 24 weeks, it weighs about 700 grams, has head hair, taste buds, fingerprints, footprints, hand and startle reflexes, sleeps and wakes regularly; its gender is also defined. Often in the second trimester many of the unpleasant effects of early pregnancy disappear.

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The third trimester (Weeks 29–40): By 32 weeks, it weighs about 2 kilograms with soft bones; it kicks and jabs, opens and closes its eyes to light, and loses the fine hair on its skin; by 36 weeks, it weighs about 2.8 kilograms with a thicker, waxy coating, and can stretch and wriggle; by 37–40 weeks, the baby has reached full term, with organs ready to function on their own, and may turn head-down in preparation for birth. This period is the final stretch of the pregnancy. The pregnant mother has a lot of risks and harmful teratogens to consider. A poor diet or an injury to the mother may endanger the baby. According to research, damaging teratogens include first or second-hand cigarette smoke, alcohol, drugs, and some medicines. Food additives, preservatives, colourings and flavourings make up another big group of teratogens. For example, a cold drink has added colouring to enhance its appearance, chemical fruit flavours to give it taste, refined sugars to give it sweetness, and caffeine to stimulate the drinker. The dangers posed by these combined substances are minimised by food manufacturers, scientists and businessmen, who claim that each substance in a small permitted amount is safe for consumption. But we do not eat one substance at a time, do we? A lack of folic acid (obtained from green, leafy vegetables) may lead to the development of cerebral palsy in the baby due to the non-closure of the neural tube during the second trimester. Wheat is responsible for gluten allergies (reflux problems) and celiac disease. Artificial chemicals in our food may be responsible for mental illness, autism, cancer, and autoimmune disorders like diabetes.

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Cow’s milk, which contains large amounts of the protein called casein, has been associated with the growth of cancerous tumours. Drinking cow’s milk could increase bone loss, leading to osteoporosis. Other effects are lactose intolerance, asthma, eczema, reflux, recurrent abdominal pain and emotional problems. Mothers are advised to swtitch to non-animal milk for their own consumption. Burning coal produces large amounts of mercury in the air that will damage the brain of the foetus. Stay away from such industries. Plastics contain dioxins that leech into food if used with them. Phthalates used to soften plastics is also toxic to the users. Diethylstilbestrol, a synthetic form of the female hormone oestrogen, was prescribed to pregnant women between 1940 and 1971 to prevent miscarriage, premature labour, and related complications during pregnancy. It was discovered ineffective in the 1950s, but caused cervical and breast cancers in daughters of the pregnant women years or decades later. Assisted delivery with forceps and vacuum devices may cause torticollis, or wryneck, or twisted neck in the baby due to injury to the neck muscle and nerves. Finally, mothers should look after themselves and exercise. Stress induces the body to produce hormones to defend itself against external intrusive forces. If left unchecked for too long, it can become chronic, causing organs of the body to fail. To sum up, it is extremely important for the pregnant mother to look after herself for her unborn child. Eat right and live right for a healthy baby.

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Eat right, live right for a healthy baby.

FROM INFANCY TO YOUNG ADULT Parents should also take note of the following medical findings and discussions. More and more children are getting diagnosed with attentiondeficit and/or hyperactive disorder, behavioural problems and poor school performance, with the cause often seen as sugars in food; and now, stimulants like caffeine, colourings and flavourings in soft drinks. All these stimulants excite and agitate the nervous system in the body. Imagine your child drinking orange juice laced with caffeine! Keep in mind that soft drinks may not be exactly what they claim to be; many are flavoured with artificial chemicals and colourings. Mercury-based vaccinations (e.g., thimerosal) have been implicated as a cause of autism in children who have been vaccinated with them. Of course, experts are called upon to defend the product, leaving the public confused. Anti-vaccinationists have claimed that even non-mercury based vaccines are not safe for children. So the decision lies with the parents. The scientific community uses broadcast and counter measures (one for, another against), puzzling the public on what is dangerous and what is safe. Or they highlight only what is desirable (e.g., milk is high in calcium; an orange is high in vitamin C), and not how the foodstuff actually works in the body. What campaigners against vaccinations have contended is that vaccinations will contribute to the person getting the disease or side effects. For example, some teenage girls vaccinated against

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the HPV (Human Papillomavirus) for cervical cancer have reported adverse reactions, such as heart disease, blood clots, lifethreatening disabilities, and even death. It is interesting to consider why children below the age of 5, whose immunity is not fully developed, should be vaccinated against diseases like measles, chicken pox, rubella, and meningitis? Wouldn’t the vaccination lower further their immune system? Why not vaccinate after 5 years of age? Overloading the child’s immune system with vaccines could weaken a child’s defence against infection or trigger an autoimmune disease such as Type 1 diabetes, or allergies or asthma. Many experts believe that a child’s immune system is already better designed to protect them from the hundreds of antigens or foreign bodies (like fungi, parasites, bacteria and viruses) they are exposed to every day than all the vaccinations combined. Other studies have found that young children who receive multiple vaccines in the first year of life are no more likely to have developmental problems than children who had fewer vaccines. You can find out more about the above issues by reading the books recommended at the end of the section.

Enjoy natural growth and independence One sees how incapable or helpless a baby or child is from birth till 2 years of age and it is natural to help the child in any way. A child’s brain is not fully developed at birth. Perception (for example, hearing, seeing, touching, smelling, tasting, and balance) and motor control develop over many months, if

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not years. The personality of the child is the last to develop, probably not reaching maturity until the late teens or young adulthood, by 25 years of age. The first two years are crucial for smart growth, as the brain needs to rewire for the child to face the world. Scientifically, the brain neurons will strengthen their synapses (connections) with frequent use, better regulate neurotransmitters (brain chemicals), increase autoreceptors (sites) for the brain chemicals, and develop more dendrites (branches) to other neurons for better connectivity. It will probably be up to five years before the child’s immune system is ready to defend itself against the dangers of the environment, and builds steadily as they grow older. The later years are more for the development of thoughts, emotions, motivations, and morals. Note that at birth, the baby’s brain is one-third its full adult size. What this means is that nature determines one-third of the baby’s initial cerebral structure and functions, sufficient for it to survive the beginnings of life, including the baby’s thinking, feeling and behaviour. The remaining two-thirds of the baby’s brain is developed through its interaction with the environment; which means the better the interaction, the better the brain development. In other words, the so-called intelligence of the baby is determined by early brain-environment interactions — the more, the better. Stifling brain growth by restricting the baby’s movement (such as prolonged carrying by adults, long stays in the perambulator, and frequent help-outs by adults) retards brain growth. Active babies, especially in the first two years of life, have better brain development — more connections, richer connections, faster connections, above all, efficiency, equating to

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smartness. Remember, the brain develops until the person is 25 years of age! The crucial period is the first five years. So, a toddler, an infant, a young child, must move and learn frequently for better growth and development. Importantly, give children a chance to enjoy their natural growth. Let children explore, create and contribute to the world within safe limits and learn to be independent from the very beginning; independence by doing their own feeding, dressing, moving, talking, walking, thinking, decision-making, etc. During the process of trial and error, the child will learn quickly, and become capable of making his or her own decisions in actions, thoughts and emotions; become a person ready to face the world as early and as competently as possible. This produces smart children and reduces time and effort on parental care and nurturing, which could be better channelled into guidance and other usage. For example, if the child is toilet-trained early, there is less need for diapers and less fuss over toileting, and the time saved could be spent on discussing other learning issues. In other words, doing things for children up to a late age will delay their growth physically and mentally. For example, I have seen how clumsy older children are as they try to help out at a picnic, because they have not washed dishes or helped with cooking at home. Let us go through some processes of growing up for children. Carrying the baby enables parent and child to maintain a bond through touch. Touch is a human asset used by everyone daily without fully realising its significance. Touch recognises our very existence, makes us feel human and alive. For the baby, it stimulates the nervous system for growth and feelings; hence the

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bonding. If you love your child, do not let him or her bond with another adult or carer, unless you want that to happen! Let the baby crawl as much as possible. Crawling on all fours has been shown to help cross-brain development. We have a left hemisphere and a right hemisphere, called left and right brains. They have similar and separate functions, which are coordinated by the middle belt of brain fibres. Crawling helps this coordination. For example, when the left brain talks, the right brain feels. This works best if they can happen at the same time. Babbling is natural in voice development. Speak to the baby in normal language but at a slower pace. Do not use “baby talk”. This might delay the ability to talk and language learning. Do not let yourself look dumb to the baby! Look at the baby when you speak. The baby will smile at you when it is “baby talk”, because it sounds silly! The baby will look serious, even furrowing its face slightly, when you talk properly. This is the beginning of modelling language. Carry the toddler only when necessary, when he or she is tired. Walking strengthens the body and stimulates growth, coordination and independence. Independent people are better leaders and decision-makers. Physical weakness may lead to weakness of mind, too. Ask the child what he or she wants to eat, rather than you deciding what is best. If you know what is best and the child dislikes it, use other methods to coax the child into eating; don’t give up. For example, vegetables are seldom popular with children. Blend the vegetables into other tastier foods that the

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child likes. Add the vegetables in gradual amounts, starting small and then increasing them over time. Many human tastes are acquired or learned. Similarly, an acquired bad habit, like eating fried and sweet foods, which are often tastier because of the fats and sugar contents, is difficult to change. Do not let this happen to your child. Good health habits start young. Healthier children means less medical care later. Few, if any, food places cater specifically to children; even if they do, they offer smaller portions of often unhealthy adult foods. So for the best upbringing of children, cook food for them at home. And involve them in the preparation for successful consumption. Learn to listen to the child, his or her preferences, thoughts and feelings about food, clothing, toys, games — almost anything in the child’s life. Don’t interpret them from your point of view. Listen carefully to them. Do not always assume that you as a parent know best. Give the child as much freedom as possible to be themselves. Let them feed themselves as early as possible, even if a mess is made; the earlier the self-feeding, the better the eye–hand coordination, and development of nervous and muscle control. Delayed development means delayed ability. Allow children to socialise more with friends not through electronic means (like the Internet) but through physical presence. Have other children stay over. This could be a substitute for not having many siblings in the family. Friends are important, especially considering that family size is shrinking. If possible, allow your children to be away from home, training or schooling. This will help them cope with separation stress

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and build confidence in them. For example, if there is a boot camp for confidence building, let the child attend it. And leave them there! When the child becomes a teenager, let him or her make decisions, and respect those decisions. Guide them if the decisions are not well considered. Ask yourself what you did when you were a teenager. Encourage independence of thought, feeling and actions; and most important, self-discipline and responsibility for one’s actions. It is very important to build a child’s resilience: it is the solution to coping with life events. In her thesis16, Carol Sim Wei Shi aptly describes the relationship between resilience and children as follows: “Resilience stems from a healthy foundation of basic human adaptation. If this system of basic human adaptation is intact in the face of a negative event, the child is likely to be able to thrive and overcome his or her experience of adversity. Responsive, positive and consistent parenting of a child allows the child to view himself or herself as lovable and worthwhile, as well as provide a secure base for the child to explore and learn life skills. This in turn develops mastery, self-efficacy, self-regulation and autonomy in the child. Children who are more resilient are likely to have played an active role in seeking and receiving positive experiences that are developmentally appropriate for them, which in turn serve to modify and protect their brain to ensure an adaptive developmental outcome, which is beneficial in times of adversity. Taking initiative in one’s own life and believing in one’s effectiveness, and being optimistic of one’s future, have

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.

been identified as protective factors in studies of resilience in children.” Let the child be true to himself or herself. Yes, no doubt, you have groomed him to be a doctor. But is that really what he wants in life? Have you asked? Has he questioned himself on that? We are into a world of happiness. Is he getting real happiness from being a doctor? And what about your daughter....

Be firm and consistent Do not speak your mind when enforcing your terms, especially with children. For example, if you want to stop a child touching something, take the action that goes with it. In other words, say what you mean, and mean what you say. Otherwise, the child will think your words have little value. If you say you want to give the child something, make sure you do it. Say ‘no’ if you have to. Learning to accept a ‘no’ for an answer enables the child to learn the negative aspects of life earlier and cope better. Note that experiencing negative emotions is as useful as experiencing positive emotions. We learn from both. Be consistent in what you do with your children; otherwise, they will be confused. For example, if you insist on a regular bedtime of 9 pm, and on some nights, you allow them to stay up till 10 pm because they want to watch a favourite television programme, you will be sending a mixed message and confuse them. Consequently, they will ask to go to bed by 10 pm instead. Show by your own behaviour what is needed to be an upright individual. Children naturally mimic the behaviour of adults. Parents are often the first and closest role models for children.

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Notice that children often speak and behave like their parents. If you do not share, they will not too. If you do not give way to others, they will not too. If you speak loudly and behave roughly, so will they. Provide only the necessary support for their growth; do not indulge or pamper. Rewards are earned. Too many rewards make life meaningless. Punishment is necessary, but must be right. Not giving appropriate, corrective punishment when needed is not right. Everyone has to know and learn the consequences of wrong. This is good for emotional and moral development. Let children participate in housework and take responsibility in the home; otherwise, they will not look after their own homes in future, or understand what is entailed in maintaining a home. There is less meaning in owning a home not tidied or cleaned by everyone present. The home just means property; there is no sense of belongingness. Emphasise morals and a work ethic. Do not over focus on dangers and crimes. Be positive, negative and interesting when discussing a topic. Do not just criticise for the sake of discussion. Use logical reasoning and systematic procedures in discussion, if possible. Do not kill casual conversations with formality. Relax and enjoy the company of your children. Be natural and authentic with children. Encourage them to be more than just IT and hi-tech savvy people, spending most of their time with electronic gadgets. The world is about people, not machines. Encourage them to have friends to chat with in person, not over the Internet. Otherwise, they will potentially become socially awkward. To remind you:

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engage and connect with your children every quality moment of your shared lifetime journey — don’t merely plan and do things for their sake. Remember, it is a learning journey for both parents and children. Memories are made of recalling good times with one’s parents when growing up.

Enjoy the natural growth and independence of your children with firmness and consistency in parenting. Before moving on to the small-family parenting style, the likely parenting style of many families in Asia and probably worldwide, the next section gives you a comparison of welldocumented parenting styles that have evolved over time throughout the world. Section One: References 1. Fisher, R. & Ury, W. (2011). Getting to Yes: Negotiating agreement without giving in. USA: Penguin Books. 2. Glasser, W. (2000). Counseling with Choice Theory: The New Reality Therapy. New York: HarperCollins Publishers. 3. Bortz, W. M. (2007). We live too Short and die too Long: How to Achieve and Enjoy Your Natural 100-year-plus Life Span. USA: SelectBooks, Inc. 4. Bigelson, H. (2011). Doctors are more Harmful than Germs. North Atlantic Books. Benyus, J. M. (1997). Biomimicry. Harper Collins Campbell, T. C. (2006). The China Study. BenBella Book, Inc. Roberts, A. (2007). Don’t Die Young: An anatomist’s guide to your organs and your health. Great Britain: Bloomsbury. Sutherland, C. M. (2001). The Body Knows: How to tune in to your body and improve your health. USA: Hay House, Inc. 5. Shinya, H. (2005). The Enzyme Factor. Council Oak Books. 6. Campbell, T. C., & Jacobson, H. (2013). Whole: Rethinking the Science of Nutrition. BenBella Books, Inc. 7. Diamond, H. (2011). Eat for Life. Basic Health Publications, Inc. Kushner, M. (2006). The truth about caffeine: How companies that promote it deceive us and what we can do about it. SCR Books. Schwartz-Nobel, L. (2007). Poisoned nation: Pollution, greed and the rise of deadly epidemics. NY: St Martin Press.

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8.

9.

10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16.

Bond, A. B., Breyer, M., & Gordon, W. (2010). True foods: 8 simple steps to a healthier you. Washington, D.C.: National Geographic. Cross, M. (2011). I wish I hadn’t eaten that: Simple dietary solutions for the 20 most common health problems. UK: Hay House. Hungerford, C. (2009). The Good Body Guide: A Family Doctor’s unconventional Guide to Healthy Living. London: Marion Boyars. Gazzaniga, M. S., Ivry, R. B., & Mangun, G. R. (2013). Cognitive Neuroscience: The Biology of the Mind (4th ed.). New York: W. W. Norton & Company. Martin, G. N., Carlson, N. R., & Buskist, W. (2010). Psychology (4th ed.). Harlow, Essex: Pearson Education Ltd. Markova, D. (2005). The Smart Parenting Revolution: A Powerful New Approach to Unleashing Your Child’s Potential. USA: Ballantine. Siegel, D. S., & Hartzell, M. (2003). Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper SelfUnderstanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive. USA: Penguin Books. Brooks, R. & Goldstein, S. (2007). Raising a Self-disciplined Child: Help Your Child Become More Responsible, Confident and Resilient. NY: McGraw-Hill Books. Cabrera, N., Tamis LeMonda, C. S., Bradley, R. H., Hofferth, S., & Lamb, M. E. (2000). “Fatherhood in the twenty first century.” Child development, 71(1), 127-136. Siddiqui, I. J. (2011). “Lack of parental involvement: Stress prone children.” International Journal of Education & Allied Sciences, 3(2), 43-48. Moss, S. (2012). “Natural Childhood.” UK: Park Lane Press. Retrieved Jan 31, 2013 from http://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/servlet/file/store5/item823323/version1/ NaturalChildhood Brochure.pdf Sim, W. S. C. (2014). Understanding resilience in children who have experienced trauma. (Unpublished masters thesis). James Cook University, Singapore.

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Section Two

COMPARING PARENTING STYLES The family is the most significant factor in developing and nurturing relationships. The family environment can help a child to manage challenges in life or, conversely, cause him or her to be vulnerable to stresses. Hence, there is a need to understand more about parenting and parenting styles. A parenting style is a psychological construct describing strategies that parents use in bringing up their children. Parenting practices are specific behaviours of parents, whereas parenting styles represent broader patterns of parenting practices. There are many different parenting styles: attachment parenting, authoritative parenting, authoritarian parenting, filial parenting, indulgent parenting, narcissistic parenting, neglectful parenting, nurturing parenting, permissive parenting, tiger parenting, and uninvolved parenting; and culture-specific parenting styles which lack popular terms in the English language—for example, “home training” parenting style. Many of these parenting styles are relatively new constructs lacking evidence from studies and research. Only well-researched and time-tested parenting styles are discussed below. For simplicity, parenting styles are considered from two perspectives: how parents respond to their children; and what parents demand from their children.

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TYPES OF PARENTING STYLES

AT TACHMENT PARENTING 1 This refers to how well children are attached or bonded to their parents, whether secure, insecure, or ambivalent. This has to do with the parent-child relationship from birth to growth, especially during childhood. A secure relationship means that children will develop high self-esteem, be self-reliant, more independent, have fewer mental health issues, and be able to develop better social relationships. An insecure relationship means that children will develop attributes opposite to those of children of secure relationships. An ambivalent relationship means that children are easily distressed without parental support, and show avoidant behaviours to their parents. Ideally, a secure parent-child relationship is desired. The key components of the relationship are trust, independence, confidence, reliability, and mental soundness. It is easy to spot a secure relationship. Observe a girl playing

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with other children in the presence of her mother. A secure child will sense the presence of her mother and interact confidently with other children. If the mother walks away, the child observes and waits for her to come back. All it takes is for the mother to let the child know she is away for a brief moment. An insecure child will play with other children, but drag the mother along close by. If the mother walks away, the child will scream for her. An ambivalent child may show distress when the mother leaves and ignore her when she returns.

AUTHORITARIAN PARENTING 2 The word “authoritarian” implies authority, power, pressure, and even dictatorship. This parenting style imposes high expectations and demands on the child. In return, the parent does not respond much to their children’s reactions. Children are expected to obey their parents’ wishes and orders without question. Failure to meet parental expectations and demands leads to harsh punishment for the children. If asked about his or her actions, the parent might simply respond, “Because I say so”, or “That’s the way it should be”. They may encourage skills such as self-regulation through their high expectations. So what do you expect of such children? Decision-making abilities? Low. Are they happy with life? Probably not. How is their self-esteem? Perhaps low. Obedient? Yes. Proficient in what they know? Likely. Are they socially competent? Not really, because they are used to taking instructions from their parents. Culturally, authoritarian parenting is deemed harsh by Western standards but acceptable by Asian standards — this point is elaborated on later in the book.

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It is easy to spot an authoritarian parenting style. A boy is doing gymnastic moves in school under the watchful eyes of his coach and of course, one of his parents, say, his father. Not only does the child have to listen attentively and patiently to the coach, he has also to absorb further instructions and prompts from his father, who is a past gymnastics champion. At home, discussion with the father revolves around the topic of gymnastics, who won what competition, how to win, etc. The son has no way of questioning the reason for doing the training or expressing that he prefers to play chess.

AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING 3 The word “authoritative” implies negotiation, principled negotiation as advocated in negotiation parenting, discussed in the earlier section. Such parents work cooperatively and collaboratively with their children, responding to their children’s reactions while putting many demands on their children as well. Children are able to negotiate with their parents, with give and take on either side. Their failure is met with fresh appraisals from the parents. Parental corrective methods are supportive. They want their children to be assertive, socially responsible, selfregulated, and cooperative. So what do you expect of such children? Decision-making abilities? High. Are they happy with life? Very likely. How is their self-esteem? High. Responsible? Yes. Proficient in what they know? Very likely. Are they socially competent? Yes. Successful? Yes. It is easy to spot an authoritative parenting style. A child is

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having a quarrel with another lad. The mother looks on. The child ends the quarrel and walks back to the mother. The mother then discusses with her child how the matter is better resolved. No anger is used nor raising of voices; just a collaborative tone, reasoning in a clear-minded state. If the child stomps off after the quarrel, the mother will wait for an opportunity to talk it over with her child. If her child is in the wrong, she will want him or her to apologise to the other child before leaving the scene.

FILIAL PARENTING 4 In 2013, I introduced this parenting style to the public with my article, Filial Parenting is not Working!, presented at the International Conference for Managing the Asian Century. My intention then was to illustrate that Chinese Singaporean parents, and perhaps Chinese parents worldwide, were practising this parenting style. Essentially, it entails parents choosing to splurge on the upbringing of their children, in the hope of developing filial piety in them when the parents are old. Parents impose demands on their children while responding highly to the children’s reactions. They want their children to be successful and responsible. So what do you expect of such children? Decision-making abilities? Low. Are they happy with life? Possibly. How is their self-esteem? Medium. Responsible? Quite. Proficient in what they know? Very likely. Are they socially competent? No. Successful? As instructed. Culturally, filial parenting is desired by most Chinese parents; but other ethnicities are likely practising this as well.

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It is easy to spot a filial parenting style. A child is hand-fed with food, even though he can help himself to it. If there is a quarrel between this child and another, the filial parents will step in to intervene; usually, to placate the quarrel or avoid it altogether. A complaint from the child is attended to quickly, and the blame is likely pointed at another. The parents are very protective of their children from birth to death. You will find the parent carrying everything for the child, and attending to their every whim.

INDULGENT PARENTING 5 Indulgent (also called permissive) parenting means giving in to children’s demands as much as possible to the extent of spoiling them. Hence, such parents are not imposing on their children; rather, they respond well and even unnecessarily to their children’s reactions. Permissive parents are lenient and allow considerable self-regulation and self-expression, and avoid confrontation. They are generally nurturing and communicative with their children, often treating them as friends. So what do you expect of such children? Decision-making abilities? Low. Are they happy with life? Not really. How is their self-esteem? Perhaps low. Obedient? No, they lack selfregulation. Proficient in what they know? It depends, they might be academically poor. Are they socially competent? No, they are out of control, and have problems with authority. It is easy to spot an indulgent parenting style. The child asks for a toy car. He gets it. Next he asks for a bicycle. He also gets it straight away. He decides to skip classes because they are boring. The parents acknowledge his request without questioning,

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acquiescing to the child’s preferences. If the child asks to stay over at a friend’s place to study for exams, so be it.

NEGLECTFUL PARENTING 6 Neglectful (uninvolved) parenting means parents are not close to their children. Such parents do not converse much with their children, do not place demands on them, nor do they respond to their reactions. However, such parents will satisfy the fundamental needs of their children, like providing a home, food and funds. In the worst cases, such parents may reject their children. So what do you expect of such children? Decision-making abilities? It depends: they may be used to being quite independent. Are they happy with life? Not really. How is their self-esteem? Low. Obedient? No, they lack self-control. Proficient in what they know? No. Are they socially competent? Somewhat. These children may also suffer developmentally from a lack of warmth, interest or attention. Most parents are not neglectful, unless they have too much on their plates. It can happen to families with too many children to look after, or who are too busy with work. It is easy to spot a neglectful or uninvolved parenting style. Parents are often so “busy” with their lives that they do not have time for their children. The son goes out with friends as he likes, any time, any day; the daughter has her circle of friends and activities; no questions are asked by the parents. They think their children are doing fine in life and having a good time with their activities, so long as they have a safe home to come back to, are fed sufficiently, and have enough money to spend.

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TIGER PARENTING 7 This parenting style was publicised by the 2011 book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, by Amy Chua, a Yale law professor describing how she parented her two daughters according to principles based on her Chinese heritage. Using this very strict parenting style — which includes no TV, computer games, dating or sleepovers, but a rigid and paramount commitment to education — her daughters have done well in school and music. Apparently, tiger parenting is common among Asian parents, particularly Chinese parents. Tiger parenting scores well in academic success, but critics have questioned how effective it is in developing other abilities and characteristics. The tiger parenting style is similar to that of the authoritarian parenting style. Take, for example, the son who is undergoing gymnastics training. The same stern instructions from parents apply, except here, the parents are very supportive, catering to the boy’s personal as well as social needs. Relatives are also informed of the son’s training. The rest of the family are also involved in supporting the training. If extra lessons are needed, the son will be sent to a special school for further work. Of course, the quality of the school will be checked out first.

HOME TRAINING PARENTING 8 Where the Chinese are concerned, there exists a form of parenting called chia-shun (ࡍ࿦, translated from Mandarin to mean “home training”). This training encompasses guan (ܽ, translated from Mandarin to mean “executive control” or “to govern”), which entails parental investment and involvement, signifying care

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and love as well. Guan is considered a positive parental trait by Chinese parents and teachers.9 Therefore, parental care and concern are synonymous with firm control and governance in Chinese parenting. By comparison, authoritarianism here may mean proper control of training or learning in Chinese culture. ] As with tiger parenting, children of the home training parenting style turn out to be academically successful, filial and competent. Decision-making abilities? Medium. Are they happy with life? Hopefully. How is their self-esteem? Not sure. Responsible? Yes. Proficient in what they know? Very likely. Are they socially competent? Probably not. Traditionally, the child is taught morals, values and virtues instilled through parental guidance. Elders also contribute their experience to the teachings. This parental guidance is uncompromising, especially for sons, who have to uphold the name of the family and lineage. Socialisation with friends is limited to a few familiar ones. Parental care and nurturance is first class and takes priority.

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FACTORS AFFECTING PARENTING STYLES

Although parenting superficially means the same thing to all families, it is influenced by some factors10 that need to be understood before comparing the different parenting styles. A parent’s way of parenting is influenced by family size. The more children there are in the family, the less time there is for parents to supervise each child. Conversely, having fewer children means more parental focus on each child. Parenting style is influenced by the family’s religious affiliation. The children’s upbringing will be shaped by the doctrine and teachings of the religion. The family’s place of worship may be a place of solace and consultation, too, in times of need. Another influential factor is the social class or status of the family. The more wealth a family has, the more it will spend on the children’s basic needs, including education and leisure. These children then have greater access to social skills and opportunities. This may affect their social etiquette and public behaviour.

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The personality of the parents is another significant factor determining parenting style. Aggressive parents will likely treat children differently from how mild-mannered parents would; the same applies to open-minded, creative parents, conservative parents, conscientious parents, and careless ones. In families where there is help (e.g., a domestic helper, grandparent, or another adult carer), parenting may remain the same or take on a different role: the helper may leave the parenting of the children to the parents themselves, or augment the parenting style adopted by the parents, or interfere with the parenting style in other ways. For example, the use of a domestic helper to serve the children may result in the helper’s parenting style being imposed on the children. If, say, the grandmother is influential, the children may be parented her way. Parenting styles may be a result of children’s behaviour. In other words, parents respond or react according to the child’s behaviour. For example, disruptive behaviours from the children may be met with punitive actions on the part of the parents. Studies have indicated that parents may use different disciplinary techniques, parenting practices, and emotional strategies that are affected by the characteristics of the child, contexts of parenting, situational demands, and cultural beliefs. For example, in Singapore, ethnicity plays an important factor in deciding the type of parenting style and practice (see discussion below).11 A major factor identified in parenting research is the local culture and environment. For example, the Western nations promote individualism and self-determination. Thus, Western parenting styles,12 like authoritative parenting, encourage

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children to develop independence of thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Asian countries, on the other hand, emphasise collectivism — developing children to be interdependent in their thoughts, feelings and behaviours — meaning that children will consider others while being themselves.

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DISCUSSION

In actual practice, parents may adopt different styles in bringing up their children. Parents may separately take on a particular parenting style, and combine to create a unique blend. For instance, the father may adopt an authoritative style, whereas the mother may favour a permissive style. This may seem workable but may be confusing to the children or lead them to act differently depending on which parent they are dealing with. For parenting to work functionally and effectively in the family, it is necessary that parents cooperate as they combine various aspects of their parenting styles. Some researchers have described combined parenting styles as adopting a mixture of both “positive” (warmth, autonomy support, structure), and “negative” (chaos, control) parenting attributes simultaneously, according to the situation.13 Take note that parents who have undergone parenting training with professionals or read up on professional literature, may practise parenting in their own ways.

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I would argue that among the parenting styles, authoritative parenting has more advantages than disadvantages to the development of children.14 Specifically, children who are brought up through authoritative parenting are found to be competent and adaptable. They are usually well accepted by their peers because of good social skills, with little display of aggression and unsociable behaviours. Furthermore, they show high self-esteem and a high level of self-regulation, paving the way for overall positive growth and development. In his thesis, Heng Ek Meng15 has cited findings suggesting the authoritative parenting style to be more beneficial in the Western context compared to the authoritarian parenting style. A chief disadvantage of authoritative parenting, observed by me, is that when combined with individualism it may contribute in a big way to the “broken family” situation of the Western world, with half of marriages ending in divorce. Hence, my advocacy to maintain an intact family with a set of values equates with a life of happiness and satisfaction. Much research in parenting is conducted in the West, with abundant literature on authoritative, authoritarian and permissive parenting styles. In research application and comparison, many Asian researchers have found that such Western-identified parenting styles do not adequately explain Asian-parenting patterns and practices.16 If there are potential comparisons, results are inconclusive. First of all, there exists a lack of studies using Asian samples with Asian concepts in parenting research. In her thesis, Eisha binte Dadlani17 specifically acknowledged that research on

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parenting or in related areas of the field have commonly been done with East Asians, more so with Chinese — from China and immigrants in the United States — and Koreans. Asian countries that are infrequently studied include Indonesia, Malaysia, Myanmar and Singapore. In spite of studies of the Singaporean population, there is still a lack of published research using Singaporean samples.18 Researchers like Firdaus et al. have also highlighted the lack of a formally identified parenting style in Asia.19 Hence, comparing Western and Asian parenting styles is unbalanced from the available research. Authoritarianism may have different meanings and implications for Asians and Caucasians.20 To Western adolescents, authoritarian parenting may be harsh, demanding and controlling; whereas Asian adolescents view it as an expression of love, care and concern shown by their parents.21 Particularly for Chinese, authoritarian parenting could be interpreted less negatively then, and is linked positively with educational achievement.22 This was shown to be true for Hong Kong students and Asian-American adolescents.23 According to Trifan, Stattin and Tilton-Weaver,24 Western influences may move authoritarian parenting towards more egalitarian parenting instead. The most extreme form of authoritarian parenting is tiger parenting, which requires a mother to have high standards and expectations, be strict and restrictive, and to ensure that her child works hard regularly to achieve the best possible academic achievement.25 Scholars contend that in the United States, the success of Asian-Americans is attributable to their schooling

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behaviours; in other words, academic success is due to effort put in at school instead of inborn ability. Many of the parenting styles mentioned above are discussed with respect to how demanding the parents are, and how responsive the child. In her thesis, Elizabeth Eu26 differentiates them neatly: demandingness, in Western parenting styles, involves restrictiveness or domination of the child; whereas in Asian parenting, particularly Chinese parenting, it involves continuous monitoring and guidance — a preventive measure to nip inappropriate behaviours of children in the bud. With regard to responsiveness, “physical intimacy and emotional responsiveness do not capture the primary features of responsiveness in the Asian context; Chinese mothers can be described as continuously monitoring and being involved through the prioritizing of their children’s education and care giving”. If there is such a thing as an Asian parenting style, Elizabeth 34 Eu depicts it as a combination of Western authoritative and authoritarian styles with positive (e.g., emotional warmth) and negative (e.g., strict rules) parenting. It may consist of six elements: warmth, support of autonomy, structure-control, structure-warmth, chaos, and negative parenting. It is also facilitative: i.e., a training parenting style, organisational, overly protective, or even authoritarian. So is there a common parenting style in Singapore? In her thesis, Sonam Damani27 has contended that whereas most Asian cultures adopt the authoritarian parenting styles, Singapore, being an incorporation of different cultures (Chinese, Indian, Malay and Eurasian) may have adopted a different style. This is a result

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of globalisation and an inclination to emulate Western trends. Similarly, Westernised parenting trends have been observed. Sim and Chin’s study28 of 284 adolescent Singaporeans found that students achieved poorer academically under authoritarian parenting. Another Singaporean study showed that parental enthusiasm leads to greater parental involvement in school life, ultimately resulting in better educational achievements.29 Other studies have also shown that the present generation of Singaporean parents is less authoritarian in their parenting style (e.g., the study by Xiao and Andes).30 However, I believe the filial parenting style is popular in Singapore. Following my article on filial parenting,31 a study by Firdaus and others32 shows that Singaporean parents generally subscribe to the filial parenting style, and the same may occur with other Asian families if they practise similar forms of filial piety. They also contend that though filial parents are reluctant to admit being ashamed if their children perform below expectations, they do admit to using disciplinary measures on their children. The filial parenting style seems to fall between authoritarian and permissive parenting, extremely high in parental responsiveness and demandingness. Dr Ang Yong Guan, a consultant psychiatrist at Paragon Medical, proposed this definition during his talk on “Mental Health Issues of Faulty Parenting” at a Public Forum organised by James Cook University. This section has highlighted the main parenting styles seen in practice across Western and Asian cultures. Note that the line between Western and Asian is arbitrarily drawn to distinguish

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differences for the sake of academic discussion and research. In the real world, things are not so clear-cut. For example, is Singapore Westernised or Asianised, or somewhere between? And, how many other countries are like Singapore’s? For example, Hong Kong Chinese and Korean-American parenting styles are not classifiable as strictly Asian or Western parenting styles.33 The next section brings to light the construct of small-family parenting. You haven’t heard of it? Very well, read on. Section Two: References 1. Bartholomew, K. (1990). “Avoidance of intimacy: An attachment perspective.” Journal of Social and Personal relationships, 7(2), 147-178. 2,3. Baumrind, D. (1967). “Child-care practices anteceding three patterns of preschool behaviour.” Genetic Psychology Monographs, 75, 43-88. 4. Foo, K. H. (2014, July). “Filial parenting is not working!” In Mandal (Ed.), Proceedings of the International Conference on Managing the Asian Century: ICMAC 2013 (pp. 343-351). Singapore: Springer. doi: 10.1007/978-981-4560-61-0 5. Baumrind, D. (1967). “Child-care practices anteceding three patterns of preschool behaviour.” Genetic Psychology Monographs, 75, 43-88. 6. Maccoby, E. E. (1992). “The role of parents in the socialization of children: An historical overview.” Developmental Psychology, 28, 1006-1017. 7. Cheah, C. S. L., Leung, C. Y. Y., & Zhou, N. (2013). “Understanding ‘Tiger Parenting’ through the perceptions of Chinese immigrant mothers: Can Chinese and U.S. parenting coexist?” Asian American Journal of Psychology, 4(1), 30–40. 8. Chao, R. (1994). “Extending research on consequences of parenting style for Chinese American and European Americans.” Child Development, 72, 1832–1843. 9. Eu, S. E. (2014). The Influence of filial parenting on learning autonomy in Singaporean youths. (Unpublished fourth-year thesis). James Cook University, Singapore. 10. Quah, S. R. (2003). “Ethnicity and parenting styles among Singapore families.” Marriage & Family Review, 35(3-4), 63-83. 11. Cunha, D. D. (2002). (Ed.) Singapore in the new millennium: Challenges facing the citystate. Singapore: Institute of Southeast Asian Studies. 12. Bartholomew, K. (1990). “Avoidance of intimacy: An attachment perspective.” Journal of Social and Personal relationships, 7(2), 147-178. Baumrind, D. (1967). “Child-care practices anteceding three patterns of preschool behaviour.” Genetic Psychology Monographs, 75, 43-88. Choi, Y., Kim, Y. S., Kim, S. Y., & Park, I. J. K. (2013). “Is Asian-American parenting controlling and harsh? Empirical testing of relationships between Korean-American and western parenting measures.” Asian American Journal of Psychology, 4(1), 19-29. doi: 10.1037/a0031220

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13. 14.

15. 16.

17. 18 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27.

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Maccoby, E. E., & Martin, J. A. (1983). “Socialization in the context of the family: Parent–child interaction.” In P. H. Mussen & E. M. Hetherington, Handbook of child psychology: Vol. 4. Socialization, personality, and social development (4th ed.). New York: Wiley. Eu, S. E. (2014). The Influence of filial parenting on learning autonomy in Singaporean youths. (Unpublished fourth-year thesis). James Cook University, Singapore. Maccoby, E. E., & Martin, J. A. (1983). “Socialization in the context of the family: Parent–child interaction.” In P. H. Mussen & E. M. Hetherington, Handbook of child psychology: Vol. 4. Socialization, personality, and social development (4th ed.). New York: Wiley. Sorkhabi, N. (2005). “Applicability of Baumrind’s parent typology to collective cultures: Analysis of cultural explanations of parent socialization effects”. International Journal of Behavioral Development, 29(6), 552-563. doi: 10.1177/01650250500172640 Firdaus, N. J., Dadlani, E., Heng, E. M., & Krishnamurthy, D. (2014). Filial Parenting Questionnaire (FPQ): A parenting questionnaire for Asians. (Unpublished fourth-year thesis). James Cook University, Singapore. Choi, Y., Kim, Y. S., Kim, S. Y., & Park, I. J. K. (2013). “Is Asian-American parenting controlling and harsh? Empirical testing of relationships between Korean-American and western parenting measures”. Asian American Journal of Psychology, 4(1), 19-29. doi: 10.1037/a0031220 Tan, C. (2012). “Understanding Asian parenting from a Rasch perspective.” Asian Journal of Social Psychology, 15(4), 273-283. doi: 10.1111/j.1467-839X.2012.01383.x Firdaus, N. J., Dadlani, E., Heng, E. M., & Krishnamurthy, D. (2014). Filial Parenting Questionnaire (FPQ): A parenting questionnaire for Asians. (Unpublished fourth-year thesis). James Cook University, Singapore. Tan, C. (2012). “Understanding Asian parenting from a Rasch perspective.” Asian Journal of Social Psychology, 15(4), 273-283. doi: 10.1111/j.1467-839X.2012.01383.x Firdaus, N. J., Dadlani, E., Heng, E. M., & Krishnamurthy, D. (2014). Filial Parenting Questionnaire (FPQ): A parenting questionnaire for Asians. (Unpublished fourth-year thesis). James Cook University, Singapore. Ang, R. P., & Goh, D. H. (2006). “Authoritarian parenting style in Asian societies: A cluster- analytic investigation.” Contemporary Family Therapy, 28(1), 131-151. doi: 10.1007/s10591-006-9699-y Damani, S. (2014). Parenting styles and psychosocial outcomes: A cultural perspective. (Unpublished fourth-year thesis). James Cook University, Singapore. Sorkhabi, N. (2005). “Applicability of Baumrind’s parent typology to collective cultures: Analysis of cultural explanations of parent socialization effects.” International Journal of Behavioral Development, 29(6), 552-563. doi: 10.1177/01650250500172640 Eu, S. E. (2014). The Influence of filial parenting on learning autonomy in Singaporean youths. (Unpublished fourth-year thesis). James Cook University, Singapore. Trifan, T. A., Stattin, H., & Tilton-Weaver, L. (2014). “Have authoritarian parenting practices and roles changed in the last 50 years?” Journal of Marriage and Family, 76(4), 744-761. doi:10.1111/jomf.12124 Kim, S. Y. (2013). “Defining tiger parenting in Chinese Americans.” Human Development, 56, 217–222. doi: 10.1159/000353711 Eu, S. E. (2014). The Influence of filial parenting on learning autonomy in Singaporean youths. (Unpublished fourth-year thesis). James Cook University, Singapore. Damani, S. (2014). Parenting styles and psychosocial outcomes: A cultural perspective. (Unpublished fourth-year thesis). James Cook University, Singapore.

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28. Sim, T. N., & Chin, J. E. H. (2014). “Do mothers’ and fathers’ authoritative and authoritarian parenting interact? An exploration on schooling aspects with a Singapore adolescent sample.” Youth & Society, 46(2), 286-300 29. Stright, A. D., & Yeo, K. L. (2014). “Maternal parenting styles, school involvement, and children’s school achievement and conduct in Singapore.” Journal of Educational Psychology, 106(1), 31. 30. Xiao, H., & Andes, N. (1999). “Sources of parental values.” Journal of Human Values, 5(2), 157-167. doi: 10.1177/097168589900500207 31. Foo, K. H. (2014, July). “Filial parenting is not working!” In Mandal (Ed.), Proceedings of the International Conference on Managing the Asian Century: ICMAC 2013 (pp. 343-351). Singapore: Springer. doi: 10.1007/978-981-4560-61-0 31. Firdaus, N. J., Dadlani, E., Heng, E. M., & Krishnamurthy, D. (2014). Filial Parenting Questionnaire (FPQ): A parenting questionnaire for Asians. (Unpublished fourth-year thesis). James Cook University, Singapore. 33. Eu, S. E. (2014). The Influence of filial parenting on learning autonomy in Singaporean youths. (Unpublished fourth-year thesis). James Cook University, Singapore.

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Section Three

SMALL- FAMILY PARENTING We have examined the negotiation parenting style — the possible answer to parenting of children everywhere. We have also explored other existing parenting styles in practice, and how they compare in effectiveness. This section and the rest of the book will focus on the smallfamily parenting style — the general parenting style being practised all around the world today. If there are parenting differences among small families, it can probably be explained by differences in culture. For example, filial parenting, the style I observed to be practised widely among the Chinese worldwide, is due mainly to Confucianist teachings of filial piety and the related virtues of maintaining face and filial parental love (these issues will be discussed later). Thus you will find filial parenting cropping up from time to time to exemplify the small-family parenting style.

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BACKGROUND TO SMALL- FAMILY PARENTING

Let’s imagine a typical Chinese Singaporean family having a meal at a fast-food restaurant: A family of four huddles over a table. The mother busies herself over the two children, one of pubescent age and the other an adolescent, while they are absorbed in their electronic gadgets. Whatever the mother says to the children falls on deaf ears or is acknowledged with a slight nod of the head. Meanwhile, the father saunters over to the service counter to place orders for food. After waiting patiently, he collects the food on a tray and makes his way back to the table. He serves the food to everyone with only the mother lending a hand, cutting up the chicken nuggets. The pubescent child exclaims that she needs napkins or tissues. The father quickly shoots off to the service counter to collect a handful of them. Upon his

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return, he finds the children waiting for him to open the sauce cups. The father quickly reaches over and peels the plastic lids off the sauce cups. The parents enjoy the meal while the children enjoy theirs and their games, without a word of thanks to anyone. As the sauce trickles down the lips of the adolescent, the mother quickly reaches over with a napkin to wipe it off. The adolescent allows this without a flinch. The family moves off after the meal, with the father collecting the paraphernalia for disposal at the designated rubbish bin. Is this what you see in daily life? Does it appear baffling or odd to you? If it does, you have a different parenting style or have been brought up differently. If the scene is one that amuses you because you do practise such behaviours, you are generally with the filial parenting style, a culture-specific example of the small-family parenting style. I am a Chinese Singaporean and a psychologist. I have spent years observing people and families, and have held numerous parental discussions on the psychology of Chinese, Malay and Indian Singaporeans across generations, particularly on their parenting styles. I have also observed small families in many other countries, like Malaysia, Indonesia, Philippines, China, Vietnam, Thailand and Hong Kong. I have gained other insights from my psychotherapy sessions with clientele and familial studies conducted on Singaporeans and international students with my research students at James Cook University, Singapore Campus.

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Take another example of a conversation between a Singaporean couple and me. Father: You know, my daughter is 26 years of age, and still expects me to put pocket money on the table for her daily. She works as a solicitor in a multi-national company downtown, earning much more than me. Author: Do you have to keep up with this? Father: I’ve done this all along with her. What else can I do? Author: She is old enough to look after herself. She could learn to be more independent, financially, at least. Father: But she is my only daughter. After all, I can afford it. Mother: I always tell him not to do so, to make her independent; but he always says, she is our only daughter, if we don’t look after her, then what? Father: She says that to me, but I often tell her to stop tidying the daughter’s room, and do all the washing for her. And she says she is still young and we are family. If we don’t look after one another, then what will happen in old age? [Parents show signs of anxiety and uncertainty.] Again, if the conversation is familiar to you, you are seeing the Singapore version of the small-family parenting style. The small-family parenting style has brought up the present generation of Singaporeans with a different personality, demeanour and attitude to meet the challenges of the world,

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relative to past generations of Singaporeans. This runs somewhat contrary to the expected outcomes of producing children who will truly honour, respect and care for their parents and elders throughout their lives. This is not implying that the present generation of Singaporeans are any less capable or respectful, but they are different in their psychology and have to be managed accordingly. (Note that filial piety was a key part of traditional Chinese culture, but this virtue is losing its hold on contemporary Chinese due to the influence of modern communications — for example, the media, international travel, and the Internet.) Worldwide changes such as modernisation through industrialisation have influenced the traditional perspective of the family; specifically, culture, networks, family structure, parenting beliefs and arrangements for childcare.1 For instance, contemporary parenting is more education- and successcentred, placing less emphasis on the cultivation of morals and good behavioural ethics for many cultures. In the face of social, economic and governmental forces, families across generations grapple with internal and external demands. Women joining the workforce — a strategy to cope with the need for extra income to support the increasing needs of the household — have tipped the gender role balance of the traditional family and parenting dynamics. Population control policies and the highcost of living cause families to have fewer children. The central themes of traditional parenting are thus changing, leading to the emergence of a contemporary parenting style: small-family parenting.

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To have a better understanding of the parenting process, four aspects of parenting are to be borne in mind: parental behaviours, parental beliefs, parental practices, and socialisation goals.2 These fours aspects are dealt with separately in research literature, but are briefly touched on here. Parental behaviours include meeting the physical and health needs and wants of children; interacting with them socially, such as helping them to regulate their own behaviour, emotions, and morality, as well as to manage, monitor, and mediate interpersonal exchanges with others to form meaningful and sustained relationships. These behaviours are, in many respects, culturally determined. Parenting beliefs shape perceptions, expectations, attitudes, knowledge, ideas, goals, and values about all aspects of child rearing and development. Parental practice is different from parenting style; it comprises actual outcomes. Hence parental practice is situation-specific and may not carry the attitudinal or emotional undertones implied in a particular parenting style. Socialisation goals are the ultimate aims towards which parents direct their efforts. So, a parenting style is a pattern of behaviours or strategies that parents use in bringing up their children. It also may be influenced by culture and the local environment. Through casual consultations with parents, parenting workshops, and psychotherapy sessions, I see signs of a smallfamily parenting style emerging among Singaporean families, and perhaps from small families of similar circumstances in other parts of the world. Put simply, intact families with one to three children qualify as small families. Larger families (those with four or more children)

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are excluded because the dynamic of a larger family is different, with the parent’s attention more dispersed. I recall my earlier days, where the entire population of Singapore was less than four million, with many areas comprising villages and low-rise housing. My family of nine lived in a home in which the floor served as our bed frame with mattresses placed on it, with one toilet for all. We enjoyed the togetherness of a close family, which many families are doing now but under separate roofs and better furnished apartments. The ambience then was simple living, consisting of home-cooked meals and shared facilities and functions. Family support was always there. This is a scene of a typical large Chinese family in the past: Three generations of 10 people live under one roof. Younger children play around the house, interacting with one another. The mother is busy cooking dinner, with the eldest daughter helping, learning earnestly and respectfully. Father tends to the plots of vegetables and fruits with the eldest son assisting, also learning eagerly and respectfully. Grandpa and grandma sit by the porch chatting away and occasionally keeping an eye on the children. The dog lies next to the grandparents watching the day go by. The house is fanned by the occasional breeze. When dinner is ready, mother gives a shout, and everybody heads to the table. Every child gets his or her own plate and spoon, and collects rice from the pot served out by the mother. Soon everyone is at the table. The grandparents start eating and everyone follows. Talking is muted when

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eating is underway. When dinner is over, the children help clear the table and wash the dishes. Then, everyone hangs around the living room, watching TV programmes quietly and with interest. When commercials are on, talking takes place among the viewers, the younger showing deference to elders. If bickering continues when the programme resumes, a word from the parents or grandparents silences them. Night falls and everyone goes to bed. If you were from a past generation, this is a real memory — sweet memories of togetherness in a large family. What used to be large Singaporean families consisting of many children and three or more generations living under one roof are now typically small families of three to five persons — two parents and between one and three children — but two children is the norm. A family of only three is not unusual as many choose to have only one child. Having no children is fast becoming the norm, too; this trend used to be termed childless, but is now described as childfree, connoting freedom from the burden of having children. Furthermore, not getting married is an acceptable norm today, too—with career development given priority over other things, especially considering the high costs and a competitive environment, as well as finding the right partner. Generally, what brought about the change in family size in Singapore? A plausible reason is family planning introduced to maintain small families to sustain the economy. So, parents soon learn the reality of the many benefits of a small family. Elsewhere

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in the world, the same familial situation exists. Hence, I contend that the small-family parenting style outlined here may help explain the dynamics of small families internationally. We learnt from the past what we could not do for children from large families and with a limited income. With modern technology offering information at our fingertips, and availability of professional care, parents soon learned that fewer children are easier to manage, reaping greater material benefits for the whole family. Hence, we see high spending on the upbringing of children in small families, which was not possible for the average family in the past. More importantly, parents want to provide for their children what they did not have for themselves. This leads to the distinctive thinking, feeling and behaviour of many children today. The main objective of this part of the book is to inform parents on the conditions and workings of small-family parenting. A second objective is to examine the results of small-family parenting in managing the current generation of Singaporeans. Hopefully, this objective will generate interest among concerned researchers. What is small-family parenting, how does it affect childrearing, and what are the outcomes of such a parenting style in the world today? Let me illustrate with an unexpected potential outcome of small-family parenting. A large family gathers at a holiday resort. The grandchildren and children of three brothers and three sisters from the baby boomers generation are enjoying an evening of

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BBQ and drinks, and a hearty exchange of news. In the meantime, the young are running around playing peeka-boo, badminton, watching TV programmes or playing their favourite computer games on electronic devices. Some maids are chasing after kids to eat their dinner. In the midst of the busy conversation by the six baby boomers, the only daughter of the eldest brother poses a question to one uncle, the younger brother of her father. She remarks, “You know, Uncle Shock, it is so nice to see all of you conversing among yourselves about the past, so many of you present at the same time.” Uncle Shock replies, “Yeah, it is really nice we can get together like this. What do you have in mind?” She answers meaningfully with a tinge of regret, “You know, when I reach middle age and with kids all grown up, I would have no brother or sister to talk with like you have now.” Uncle Shock has no words for her momentarily. But being trained in counselling, he quickly recovers and declares, “Well, in your generation, it is important that you make a few good real friends for life. They will be like siblings to you. You can look after one another.” The girl’s father adds, “But you have us, your parents.” She promptly snaps, “But you are different. You come from another generation, and expect me to look after you when you are old. I don’t think I can do that. I will have my own family, house and car to pay for. I doubt I can afford to look after you, too.”

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The father stares into the night sky and shakes his head in disbelief.... A reminder on the typical parenting style of Asian families is useful here before moving on. Elizabeth Eu cites two issues that are important to Asian families.3 One, that traditional core values such as collectivism, social interdependence, emotional self-control, conformity and humility are maintained. As these cultural values nurture obedience and respect for parents and elders, Asian parents lean toward high psychological and behavioural control. Note that positive control is expressed through parental monitoring and democratic parenting, whereas negative control is measured by psychological control and punishments. Additionally, it is also common for Chinese parents to deploy shame and guilt in disciplining their children. Six aspects of parenting — warmth, rejection, structure, chaos, autonomy support, and coercion — are found in a Singapore study of 291 11 to 13-year-old teens. Thus, Singaporean parents may show affection for their children by expressing love and joy through their interactions (i.e., warmth), or by affirming care in their attempts to teach their children (i.e., through guidance). Put another way, Western parents use praise and hugs as expressions of love, while filial parents express their affection through parental vigilance, devotion, educational and instrumental support. Elizabeth Eu argues that with the filial parenting style, its high control and warmth may buffer the effects of negative parenting. The question is, are most Asian parents like this today?

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A WORD ON FILIAL PIETY

Because filial parenting is cited frequently to illustrate the smallfamily parenting style, this part provides an understanding of the meaning and application of filial piety, from which filial parenting derives. Note that other cultures do practise similar forms of filial piety. Let me also mention Confucianism, which has been the governing philosophy rooted in China and among the Chinese, even in those who have emigrated from China to other parts of the world. In Confucian philosophy, a person is defined by his or her relationships with others. These relationships are structured hierarchically. Honouring these relationships produces social order and harmony — such as that between sovereign and subject, father and child, and husband and wife. The relationships are such that one side is required to govern, teach, and discipline, whereas the other side displays loyalty and respect.4 Confucian philosophy has prevailed

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in the teachings of the Chinese in general and informs their observable behaviours. Filial piety or xiao (ཱུin Mandarin), a vital ethic emphasised by Confucian scholars throughout Chinese history, has been associated with the development of Chinese culture over thousands of years.5 In Confucian philosophy, in general terms, filial piety is a virtue of respect for one’s parents and ancestors. Respect in this context is a multi-faceted entity. Filial piety entails: being good to one’s parents; taking care of one’s parents; bringing a good name to one’s parents; bringing a good name to one’s ancestors; performing one’s profession well in order to support one’s parents; making sacrifices to the ancestors; to constantly show love, respect and support; to display courtesy; not to be defiant; to ensure the procreation of male heirs; to uphold fraternity among brothers; to advise one’s parents wisely when necessary; to display concern if they are sick and grief for their death; and carry out sacrifices after their death. Putting it simply, this means looking after parents and grandparents into old age and death, and propagating one’s lineage. Filial piety is in reciprocation of the care that parents have dutifully bestowed on their children in the process of bringing them up. It is the Chinese belief that filial piety is a natural cyclical process, which is passed on from generation to generation. To better explain and understand the effects of filial piety, Yeh6,7 has developed a dual filial piety model encompassing two focal filial piety attributes — reciprocal filial piety and authoritarian filial piety. Reciprocal filial piety entails children gratefully looking after their parents emotionally and

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spiritually for having raised them, and caring for their parents physically and financially as they age and die. This benefits in enhanced interpersonal relationships. Authoritarian filial piety encompasses children suppressing their own wishes to comply with their parents’ wishes, be they physical, financial or social, and to continue the family lineage and dutifully maintain their parents’ reputation. The benefit is preservation and submission to the existing hierarchy; to some, this is seen as a negative outcome. Reciprocal filial piety is probably the dominant style today. An issue worth mentioning here is that Chinese have their surname or family name at the beginning of their names, compared with Westerners, who have them at the end. Thus, confusion may arise when people of these cultures interact and address each other. Nevertheless, the Chinese place their family name in front to emphasise their lineage — family, clan, heredity and ancestry. There are many subgroups among the Chinese. Insulting a Chinese name is equivalent to insulting that person’s lineage. Conversely, praising a Chinese name is like praising that Chinese subgroup. A discussion of filial piety is incomplete without considering the value of ‘face’ in Chinese culture. In brief, face is reputation. In Chinese culture, face is very significant in personal and business relationships. For example, if a person has face, it means this person holds a good repute. People with good face are regarded as reliable, and importantly, safe to do business with. Hence, it is crucial for Chinese to maintain face. Face includes giving face, losing face, and saving face.

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Giving face is an interesting concept. In a state of affairs where a person has no face or no recognised reputation within a certain circle of people or business, this person may be required to search for and “borrow” some quantity of face from someone with good face. If this someone is willing to help, then “lending” face occurs. In the process, the face borrower will be able to attain his or her goals. Losing face is much more straightforward. It can be as simple as slipping on a public path, or as personal as failing one’s school examination, or as important as one’s business failing. Regardless of the situation, it is losing respect in front of others. The loss is seen as either embarrassing if minor (as in the slipping), but disastrous if major, as in losing the business. Some people will go to great lengths and pains to avoid losing face. Face-saving is restoring the reputation or name of the person or family that has been tarnished. The person who slips on a pubic path may blame the bad soles of his or her shoes for causing the slip. The person who fails his exam will make up for it by studying harder. The person whose business fails may close the business down quietly and lay low for a while. Filial parental love goes beyond the normal relationship between parents and their children. Here, filial parents would go the extra mile to care and nurture their children to become successful. This would include extremes like slaving day and night to bring up the children, taking all measures to protect them, and mortgaging the home to pay for their education, to name a few. Academic achievement is cherished exceedingly among the

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Chinese, because it reflects the quality and goal of parenting and the face of the family, as well as predicting children’s future career success. Thus, Chinese parents invest considerable time and resources to ensure that their children perform very well academically (such as hiring tutors, close supervision of homework), with the full expectation that they master learning skills (but to the detriment of social skills and self-esteem).

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WHAT IS SMALL- FAMILY PARENTING?

Small-family parenting is about the devotion of both parents towards their children. Significant others, such as grandparents, uncles, aunts and helpers, may be involved too. Owing to few children in the family and a challenging environment, parents devote their entire time and space to their children with the intention that their children should receive the best nurturance, guidance and support by all means. Let’s examine filial parenting. The filialness of parents in filial parenting is a fascinating phenomenon to observe. If filial piety is the actions of children towards their parents, grandparents and ancestry, filial parenting is the actions of parents towards their children. Eisha binte Dadlani has proposed that filial parenting, which accounts for the parenting style among Chinese, perhaps among most Asians, could be used to explain and predict the behaviour of contemporary Asian parents.8 Put together, filial parenting means to provide and be extremely

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protective and caring of children for their sake and for the family’s sake. Face in filial parenting is another fascinating phenomenon. Filial parents would do their best to maintain face. This means doing well individually and as a family. For example, a child may do well in school to promote the family’s name. Another child may honour his or her family’s integrity by not succumbing to illegal means of obtaining money, however poor or in dire need the family is. Although parents would emphatically deny that their actions toward their children have anything to do with face, their words show the opposite. For example, when parents talk among themselves, one often hears how someone’s child is doing in school, how much extra-curricular tuition the child is receiving on top of school homework, who has won what prize in school activities, who has won scholarships, and much more. This display of achievements and successes seems to gratify the filial parent’s ego. On the other hand, little is heard about disappointments and failures. If it happens, it may be an instance of face saving in action, for example, “Oh, my child did not do well in the examination because it was set too difficult for them.” Parental love in filial parenting is also another fascinating phenomenon to scrutinise. Filial parental love involves more than the usual parent-child relationship, encompassing overprotective and controlling ownership of the children. The forms of expressed filial parental love are: feeding children at home and in public; speaking on behalf of their children; showering the children with gifts; providing them with the latest electronic devices; frequent questioning and continuous monitoring of children’s academic

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performance and movements; frequent family gatherings and visitations with everyone present; checking on children’s friends and visitors; and much more. As expected, the two values of face-saving and parental love go hand-in-hand in augmenting filial parenting. Especially, because of the small size of the family and the proximity of the family members whose activities are frequently done together, the behaviour of family is often perceived as one; one’s behaviour has an immediate impact on everyone else in the family. Parental love is always at play; so is face. Consider for a moment: how close is your parenting style to filial parenting or small-family parenting? Let’s look at the objective of small-family parenting — to guarantee the success of children into the future. This is an obvious statement. Which parent in the world would not want their children to be a success, after all the years of upbringing and nurturing? Where filial parenting is concerned, there is a second objective — to anticipate reciprocal devotion and care when the parents reach old age. The second aim is an ulterior hope, which may be expressed or tacitly wished for. It is this hope that differentiates filial parenting from the motivation of other parenting styles. What? Loving and caring for your children so that they have to look after you when you are old and weak? Yes, when outlined this way, this hope seems insincere of filial parents. But, wouldn’t all parents desire this when they are in their twilight years? Wouldn’t it be blissful to have your children around you till your last breath, enjoying to fullness the roles of

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being parents and senior adults? Put another way, this hope is not a bad or an insincere motive, rather a parent-child love wish, between filial parents and their children. Psychologically, goals are distinguished from motives.9 Goals are open or explicit objectives or aims to be fulfilled; whereas motives are the implicit source of one’s actions. Both goals and motives provide the motivation for one’s actions. There is the consideration of whether motivations are selfattributed or environment-driven. Goals that are environmentdriven are often achievable and observed, whereas motives are often highly personal. In the context of the ulterior motive in filial parenting, even though it is an ideal motive, it could still be changed according to circumstances, which are not often predictable. For example, filial parents may cling to this ulterior motive until their children become young adults. By then, these parents may perceive life a little differently, and alter their expectations. Later, when the parents become elderly, the motive may return strongly, especially during the so-called empty-nest period, where children are grown up, have left home, established their career, and are married. This is a situation where filial parents would desire their children’s presence as much as possible. Another concept that is relevant psychologically, particularly regarding Rogerian personality, is unconditional love.10 This means parents love their children without imposing a condition upon them for this parental love, respecting them in every way as a human being and supporting their growth and development. By contrast, imposing conditional love means the children have

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to work for it, failing which they are rejected or turned away; this has the potential for developing into a psychopathology.

AGE RANGE Apparently, there is no age limit in parenting children in smallfamily parenting. That is, parents adopting the small-family parenting style go all the way to “look after” their children till death, even if the children are married or have left home, or are still at home! Wouldn’t this be desirable? Not if the children mind. And psychologically, it is not desirable. There are limits to looking after children. The goal of parenting is to nurture children into disciplined, responsible and resilient adults.

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CONDITIONS FOR SMALL- FAMILY PARENTING

The three conditions for small-family parenting are: • A family of mother, father and children, up to five members • Financial stability • A challenging environment

AN INTACT FAMILY OF PARENTS AND CHILDREN, UP TO FIVE MEMBERS This is not meant to be discriminatory. A family consisting of both parents (father and mother) must be present for smallfamily parenting to work. Both parents preferably should be biological. Step-parents or adopted parents are fine if the goals of parenting are maintained. Same-sex parents would be fine, too, as long as they take up full parental responsibility. Single-parent families require a different parenting approach, which is not the focus here. Many studies have shown that broken families (e.g., poor parental relationships) have a

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devastating effect on the growth and development of children in the family. A recent study by Gail Yeo Li Yueh shows that poor father-daughter relationships could lead to the early onset of puberty (menstruation begins one or two years earlier than the norm), and multiple early dating in teenage daughters.11 Apparently, daughters mature earlier to cope with the “missing” father. This is a rarely studied area, as more focus falls on the poor relationships of parents. Up to five members in each family means having up to three children. Why three, you may ask? My observations have shown that any set of two parents can handle very well three children at most. With four or more children, their attention becomes more dispersed. Family expenses may be strained as well. In actuality, four children or more in a family will lead to better individual growth and development for all of them. This is discussed in detail later. The gender of the children is not a real concern. Most parents bring up their children the same, regardless. However, if grandparents are present, boys often command preferential treatment over girls. In other words, male children would be pampered by these significant adults. At times, this preferential treatment may not seem obvious from the outside; but with careful observation, one may discern it from the activities of the family, especially if it is a family adopting the filial parenting style. For example, the male child does not have to do housework, and his preference for certain foods is often indulged by caregivers. A side issue worth noting here is the attachment between caregiver and child. As mentioned earlier in the section

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on Attachment Parenting and iterated here, based on the attachment theory by developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth,12 different patterns of attachment emerged in children depending on how they experienced their early caregiving environment. These early patterns of attachment will, in turn, shape the child’s expectations in later relationships. The four attachment categories in children are secure attachment, anxious-ambivalent attachment, anxious-avoidant attachment, and disorganized attachment. Research has shown that a secure attachment eventually leads to a better individual. The crucial question regarding the bonding between the child and the caregiver is, which is more desirable — the bond between the child and parent or the child and another caregiver (e.g., grandparent or domestic help)? Despite parents having quality time with their children, stronger bonding often occurs between the child and the caregiver. Have you seen a typical Singaporean family’s visit to a food centre together with a domestic help? The maid carries the baby. The mother pushes the perambulator. The father tags along talking on his smartphone. The older child, four years old, clutches on to the dress of the mother. Grandma ambles slowly behind the group. There is a lot of talking and instructions from the group on the move, particularly the adults, about what to do next. A suitable table is spotted for the group. As the group settles in, the older child runs around, with the maid, baby in arms, in hot pursuit to protect him from

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injuries. The older child runs into other customers. The maid smiles at them apologetically. The maid pulls the older child back to her side. The older child then runs under a table. The maid immediately puts one hand near his head in case he hits the table from below. All this while, grandma tries in vain to catch up with the older child’s movement. There is loud talking from the adults for everyone to settle down at the chosen table. Meals are ordered and served. The maid feeds the older child. The others continue eating. The maid then feeds the baby with milk. A stray dog appears out of nowhere, coming towards the table. The older child screams in fear of the canine, then runs towards the maid and hugs her tightly…. Many questions crop up in the observer’s mind: What kind of family dynamics is this? What system of communication is going on? What roles are the people playing? Who is seen as the mother of the children? What attachments are formed between maid and children, and children and their parents? Are there appropriate teachings on social behaviours and manners involved in all the situations? Psychologists and other professionals will be vying to answer these questions, and more. Often, the maid is instructed to do this and that, and everything for the children. The children end up dependent on the maid for care and nurturance. From when the children are young, the maid feeds them, dresses them, and even carries them around in her arms. When the children get older, the maid carries their schoolbags and personal belongings. The children

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are served and spoilt in every way by the maid, who, as an employee, has not much of a choice. Confusion occurs if parenting is left mainly to the maid, who is often from another culture; in Singapore, the maid is likely to be from India, Indonesia or the Philippines. What is likely to happen is that the children grow up attached to the maid more than to their own parents. If maintaining one’s lineage is important, then most of it is lost or diluted in this kind of family dynamics. From the psychological viewpoint, bonding happens with the maid, rather than with the child’s parents. Depending on the situation of the family, a significant other, often a grandparent, may be present in the household to augment the parenting role. Most of the time, filial or smallfamily parenting is enhanced through the grandparents. Two complementary grandparents may multiply the parenting effects. There is, however, often a significant difference between a grandfather and a grandmother. Traditionally, the grandmother dotes on the grandchildren, especially male offspring. The grandfather will spend on them, leaving much of the daily fussing of children to the other significant adults. If the grandparents are rich and powerful, they may have a commanding say on the upbringing of the grandchildren. Many a time, parents and grandparents may clash in attitude and approach over the caring of children. And the children are smart enough to play the adults against each other — go to the one that provides, stay away from the one that denies. Often, the grandparent allows the breaking of rules by children because they are still young; but parents want some control, their control.

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Hence, the clash results in unpleasant consequences. The milder consequence is some black faces. The serious consequence is grandparents being deprived from seeing their grandchildren. This may run counter to the principle of filial piety, especially for Chinese families. But the situation is such that parents want a strong say over the upbringing of their children; they believe they know best. One reason is that modern parents are better educated, which means they have a better knowledge of society and the world; thus, they are better able to parent children!

FINANCIAL STABILITY In today’s world, in developing and developed economies, both parents tend to work. This means double income for the family. It also means more money can be spent on the upbringing of children, aside from basic needs like shelter, food and clothing. For example, small-family parents with higher incomes usually do not hold back on fulfilling the needs of their children, to the extent of buying for them things that they do not really need, like a tablet or computer for each child, and continuing to upgrade existing electronic software and hardware to keep up with the latest. The parents also ensure that the children participate in extracurricular activities as part of their push to excel in education. Examples include: private tuition of subjects taught in school; attendance of classes for personal improvement, like music lessons and ballet classes; even overseas trips to learn a foreign language. Depending on the preferences or demands

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of some small-family parents, some children may attend achievement classes in areas like how to study smart, how to manage one’s examination anxiety, personal grooming lessons, and how to improve one’s IQ (Intelligence Quotient) or EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient). A recent article in the local newspaper (Straits Times, 25 October 2014, p. A6)13 highlighted that parents are spending more money on enrichment classes for children who are already in the Gifted Education Programme (GEP)! The GEP takes in the top 1 per cent cohort each year, i.e., about 500 pupils. These parents want to ensure that their children remain on top. In the past, in Chinese Singaporean families it was usual for the father to be the sole bread winner. His role was focused on earning an income to sustain the family. He would contribute to parenting in more indirect ways, like looking after the children when the mother was busy, or chipping in to help when an extra pair of hands was needed. The mother had the most contact with the children, so the bonding between her and the children was often closer, especially as the bonding started from conception. More recently, there has developed a trend for house husbands among families. In this instance, the husband runs the household as the primary caregiver, looking after the children, cooking for the family, tidying and cleaning up, and even looking after some significant others, like grandparents. With both parents working, the family dynamic changes. The main contact with the children is often the caregiver(s) when they are young. This could be the domestic help, the grandparents or the childcare teacher. Parenting roles emerge

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during after-work contact times; hence, the promotion of spending “quality time” with children by authorities. Though the efficacy of this concept is still contentious, it means doing what is best with your children to bond with them whenever you find the time. Small-family parents’ time with their children thus becomes crucial, given the fewer hours they have together after work. Their roles often become ones of doting and indulging, rather than providing guidance, because of the concern that strict parenting would lose the love of the children. This spells disaster in terms of parenting skills and means children are generally spoilt beyond remedy. Once I had a pair of parents tell me that their role was to spoil the children, the teachers’ role was to educate them, and the role of Singapore national service was to discipline the children. But this is abdicating parenting to third parties. The dynamics of the small-family parenting style remains the same if a member of the family is disabled or has a chronic illness. Temporary disability or illness does have an effect on the family dynamics, but is considered transient as it does not have long-term consequences.

A CHALLENGING ENVIRONMENT A challenging, competitive environment is necessary for smallfamily parenting. Challenging means the demands are high and the outcome uncertain; competitive means material and educational attainment are accentuated. Singapore provides such an environment.14 The media and research literature (see for example, the article by Christopher and Schlenker),15 have

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characterized a person’s personality as measured by his or her material gains, both tangibles and intangibles. As mentioned in our discussion of filial parenting, parents’ have a great desire for information that will improve their parenting and nurturing methods. Any piece of news about children excelling in a certain child training institution will immediately attract interest, with filial parents flocking to the institution to gain a place for their child. The same applies to advertisements on similar issues by educational enhancement institutions, particularly if these institutions carry big names. Remarkably, this research is carried out by individual families, not as a community. However, if one family gains acceptance into the institution, then word spreads and the programme is taken up by others. To ensure the safety and remote supervision of their children, small-family parents track at all times their whereabouts via modern technology. Already these parents are known to provide every child with a smartphone with GPS, and other rapid communication softwares. These systems enable immediate contact with the click of a button on the smartphone dial. If embedding an electronic chip into the skin of a person was safe and became available, small-family parents would no doubt employ this method of tracking their children. Let’s take for example a scene outside a school where parents are waiting to collect their children after school: Parents, mostly mothers, line the pathway outside the school fence. Accompanying maids are carrying umbrellas

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and snacks. Many cars line the road. The parents chat in groups. Conversation falls on what is taught in school, which teacher is better at which subject, which child did well last term, what electronic gadgets children carry with them to school, and whose big car is that. Some parents are on smartphones chatting away. Maids chat among themselves about daily activities and gossip from their hometown. The pathway is so cluttered that pedestrians have to take to the road. The parked cars slow traffic to a crawl. The school bell rings. School children rush out, while some amble, to the awaiting adults, being offered drinks and snacks, and shaded with umbrellas. Their schoolbags are relieved by the adults. Children are asked about the school day. Did they learn anything? Were they attentive in class? Were they bullied? One child comes out crying to the mother. She hugs him. The child complains of being hassled by two classmates. The mother goes to approach the teacher. The mother is led to the principal’s office for a closed-door discussion. Other parents look on with concern and worry. This scenario is not only happening in schools, but also in private educational institutions of every type across Singapore. There is more to this in Singapore. Related to the condition of a challenging environment is the practice of kiasuism (pronounced kee-AH-soo-iz-uhm). Kiasuism, referring to the tendency of being afraid of losing out to others, is a recognised impulse known to be significant in Singapore’s culture, especially

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among Chinese Singaporeans.16 Kiasu (pronounce kee-AH-soo; the adjective of kiasuism) people are more sensitive to social comparisons, as they have a strong desire to be better than others, and would relentlessly seek information to ensure that they are ahead.17 It is a form of competitiveness, and kiasu people may become obsessively hyper-competitive — an irrational personality characteristic in which the desire to win becomes so strong that competitiveness becomes counterproductive and even destructive.18 There are two sides to kiasuism: kiasu-positive and kiasunegative. Kiasu-positive acts are behaviours resulting from the belief that conscientiousness and added effort would lead to success in life. Conversely, kiasu-negative acts refer to the withholding of information and materials from other people so that one can maintain an advantage over them.19 In spite of their differences, nonetheless, both kiasu-positive and kiasu-negative attitudes encourage information gathering and feedback-seeking behaviours. Thus, putting competitiveness together with kiasuism, Chinese Singaporeans become over competitive to the extent they do not want to miss out on an event or anything desirable. There is, however, another application of kiasuism. Because kiasuism involves extreme involvement of oneself or the group to reach a desired goal, it may run counter to the intended aim. For example, if filial parents would agree to their child participating in a school activity, like football, but if the risks of being hurt are high, the parents would discourage or even disallow this activity. An alternative activity would be sought to obtain the needed

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co-curricular points; for example, music, a comparatively safer commitment. The rationale is that the filial parents would rather not have the worry or hassle of a potentially dangerous activity. Surprisingly, kiasuism has been found to exist in other cultures as well (see Ho, Ang, Loh, & Ng, 1998).20 A recent study by researcher, Yap Rae Yi, in Singapore lends support to this fact.21 The following example illustrates the concept of kiasuism. An advertisement in the local newspaper boldly highlights a new condominium being built for the elderly, aptly named Retirement Village. Prices of each apartment are reasonable, with leases of only 60 years. Two hundred units are up for sale but more than a 1,000 people turn up, vying for them. Let us examine the attitudes of the various buyers: (1) The psyche of the elderly or retired — they need one because they are old and this is affordable in today’s market, and it has the facilities they need. (2) The psyche of the younger buyers, who have no immediate need for a unit, but because prices are often increasing, they have spare funds, and want to buy the apartment as an investment. (3) The speculators, who take the view that property prices are stable and strong in Singapore so they might as well invest in one. So, in spite of the intention of the government to assist the elderly in owning a proper home in their retirement, as it turns out, another fiasco develops. Those in need of a

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home are deprived of it, while those who are not in need help push prices upwards beyond the affordable. To top it all, those who bought the apartment for investment purposes rent out the units to make money from them. Case (2) is a clear-cut example of kiasuism. Case (3) could also be classified as kiasuism, but economists would like to term this as free market consumers’ behaviour. When children grow up in a metropolitan city, things are different. Safety is an important factor. Hence, parents prefer to have their children in sight, if possible at home, where they can keep a close eye on their activities. Many small-family parents would not mind paying for Internet services so long as they can keep their children away from dangerous external influences — given the complexities of the present world, uncertainties seem to lurk everywhere and strangers are not to be trusted. The downside is that children parented this way are less active and less sociable. They are potentially physically weaker, with poorer eyesight and posture, and possibly a “computer personality” (i.e., they are used to relating to people only online, as a virtual personality) — though they may be computer and Internet savvy, and claim to have an abundance of information gleaned from the Internet. In Singapore, outdoor recreational areas are few. With the country’s hot, humid weather, the majority of people choose to remain indoors, enjoying the comforts of cool air-conditioning. Outdoor recreational areas, however, are supported by indoor airconditioned facilities. For example, at Gardens by the Bay, already

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a cooled attraction, there is a huge cooled food centre nearby. Add the generous availability of Wi-Fi services, and online Internet services and games, and multiple indoor activities are favoured. If the family attends an activity outside of the home, for example, a visit to the zoo, or a meal in a restaurant, it is often done as a whole family. The observer will find the children quite unrefined in their manners and movements, partly due to their being released from the cooped-up confines of the apartment. Children talk loudly, play about the area, or move about curiously, frequently ignoring the presence of others. This lack of awareness of others is prevalent, as filial parents are also not aware of this social deficiency, nor have they accepted it as normal behaviour. If they find their children in the way of others, at most they would tell the children to move aside to let others pass, or simply pull their children to one side. The message is not reinforced that being aware of others is socially desirable and preferred. Are your family members behaving like this, too? From a parental perspective, the Singapore government acts like parents or grandparents towards Singaporeans. Cunha22 likens Singapore to a nanny state — with great emphasis on people being the only resource available on this little island, and the need to protect and groom them for the survival of the economy. It is very much like what filial parents do to their children, except on a much larger scale. One finds the ubiquitous presence of written signs or verbal announcements on safety, for example: cross the road here; do not play around here because of heavy traffic; please hold on to the grab poles while riding on the trains and buses; etc. This has seemingly taken over some of

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the personal responsibilities of Singaporeans, so much so that Singaporean parents are relying on the government to manage their children, from birth to death, covering childcare, education, careers, housing, healthcare, culture and religion! As mentioned in my article on filial parenting,23 governmental policies greatly enhance parenting. Take the practice of meritocracy in Singapore — excellent performance is well rewarded. For example, those who excel in education are awarded top scholarships and prestigious positions in the public service. Many Chinese Singaporean parents push and facilitate their children to hit top marks in the A Level examinations (which used to be called preuniversity level). It is widely considered that the achievement of the A Level full certificate with full distinctions and high co-curricular activity points is the “ticket to heaven” in Singapore. Similarly, the publicising of schools by ranked order encourages small-family parents to eye top schools for their children. They do their best to get their children into these schools of choice, including volunteering their time in school activities and moving home to within a few kilometres of the school if proximity will help gain admission. Putting one child after another into the same school is done for the same purpose. Children get little, if no, choice in selecting a school of personal preference. Parents know best!

CULTURE - SPECIFIC SMALL- FAMILY PARENTING Perhaps, it is time to examine filial parenting once again to explore culture-specific, small-family parenting. Based on the filial

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parenting model proposed by me,24 four studies were conducted between 2013 and 2014 to validate its purported existence and practice. I conducted a preliminary study on the existence of the filial parenting style among Chinese Singaporeans using a class of over 100 undergraduates at the Singapore campus of the Australian James Cook University, in 2013. A simple questionnaire on the conditions of filial parenting was administered to the participating students. Of the Chinese Singaporean undergraduates, the majority agreed to practising filial piety at home, considered face-saving as very important to uphold the family’s name, and education featured high on the agenda in all households. However, the same results were found among the majority of non-Chinese Singaporean undergraduates in the sample. To verify the filial parenting style in depth, another study was conducted by four research undergraduates in the later part of 2013 based on past research studies on filial piety and parenting styles. After a pilot study, Nur Jannah binte Firdaus and colleagues25 developed the Filial Parenting Questionnaire, a 40-item FPQ consisting of five scales (Values, Aims, Beliefs, Filial Parenting leads to Filial Piety, and Effects of Filial Parenting) and 27 subscales. The FPQ was administered to 93 parents from preschools, childcare and family service centres across Singapore. Results of the study showed that 32 of the 40 items (questions) were statistically significant, providing reliability and validity for the FPQ. The researchers concluded that the filial parenting style did exist among Singaporeans, regardless of race. The FPQ will be refined in future studies on filial parenting.

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Filial parenting encourages obedience in children to meet the educational demands of their parents. Consequently, these filial children are expected to have lower learning autonomy; that is, filial children are less likely to initiate, exercise, and regulate their own learning behaviour, including choice of discipline. Yet the study conducted by Elizabeth Eu Shuwen suggested that parents who endorsed the filial parenting style had children who were higher in learning autonomy.26 This occurred because the children perceived their parents to be providing autonomous support. In a way, parental support enabled these children to develop some autonomy in their learning preferences. In other words, even though filial parents make the educational choices, they do allow their children to choose their own discipline, provided it serves the wishes of the parents as well. Elizabeth explains that where motivation is high for children regarding the desired learning imposed by parents, these children have overcome their conflicting values and accepted the choice of learning of their parents. This might lead children to believe that they can still exercise their preferred choice of learning. In the long run, however, when these children have come to the end of their career, they might regret not pursuing their true ambitions. This opens up another area for further investigation on the effects of filial parenting. At three conferences in Singapore in 2013 and 2014 and a Public Forum in October 2014 where the filial parenting style was presented, participants were supportive of it. A Filipino participant said that the style was quite clearly practised among the affluent Filipino small families. A Hong Kong participant

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said Chinese Hongkongers shared similar parenting practices. A Chinese participant said that it was more extreme in China, given the one-child family policy. Readers may like to refer to sources that discuss the effects of this policy (for example, see article by Zhang and Goza).27 The one-child policy of China has shaped children “who have grown up to be less altruistic and trusting, more timid, less competitive, more pessimistic, and less conscientious than children born before the policy” (New Zealand’s Weekend Herald, Saturday, January 19, 2013).28 Members of the public, especially Chinese Singaporeans, were forthright on their views and cited many more personal examples of filial parenting to the author, confirming its existence. A startling disclosure came from Dr. Illona Boniwell (in a personal conversation), who was also a speaker at the Public Forum. Her topic was on positive parenting. She remarked that filial parenting, though this term has not been named until now, has been in practice in Russia for more than 100 years. Similar conditions of filial parenting exist in Russia — small families, doting parents, “spoilt” children, etc. The upshot is that Russian children are now ignoring parents who want to be looked after in their old age. On the pretext of visiting, parents would first gain access into their child’s home, then refuse to leave, with the intention of staying permanently with their children, to be looked after for the rest of their lives. Do you practise the filial parenting style? Now we will examine small-family parenting in more detail: the psyche of the parents who practise the small-family parenting style—particularly, their perception of self, others and the world;

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their strengths in small-family parenting, given their upbringing and background; and the types of actions they would undertake to promote small-family parenting. Some challenging aspects of human growth and development (e.g., genetic disposition and endowment) that could influence or alter the upbringing of children are discussed later. For the Chinese, a word on Confucian ethics and principles in Singapore today is again appropriate here. Confucianism as practised by the Chinese who came to Singapore many decades ago has been somewhat eroded by the fast-paced socioeconomic progress of the island state. One of the reasons for this erosion is that the majority of Singaporeans are schooled in the Western or English model of education. Although they try to retain their traditional culture and values through familial and social associations, the stronger pull of English education and modernisation has pervaded their thoughts, feelings and lifestyles. Consequently, they have lost much of their cultural identity, falling between two cultural norms. Many authors have discussed and even lamented on the loss of this guiding code, especially among the Chinese (see, for example, article by C. H. Tan).29 All is not lost, however. A few lingering strengths of older Singaporeans are thrift, diligence, independence, and material prosperity (for example, property ownership), gained through past hardships. Strong family ties hold families of different generations together, even though they may not live under one roof. Researchers have also commented that the Confucian respect for authority is extended to respect for the patriarchal Singapore government.30

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HOW DO SMALL- FAMILY PARENTS PERCEIVE THE SELF, OTHERS AND THE WORLD?

Borrowed from the doctrine of cognitive behavioural therapy, in which I specialise, the perception of self, others and the world of small-family parents are discussed next. Survival was the focus of families living in the years of British rule through to the early years of self-government. In that period, there was political and economic uncertainty. There were more mouths to feed in each family, and fewer jobs for everyone; even with jobs, remunerations were not high. Thus, not everyone in the family had the opportunity to achieve tertiary education up to university level. The material prosperity achieved by each family was minimal and basic. Many lived in simple houses or crammed into a rented apartment. Toys were a luxury. So was having new clothes for the New Year. Owning a car was a dream come true. Of course, a few did very well in Singapore through owning land, property and material goods. Despite the years of struggle, Singaporeans survived as a nation through strong political will,

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clear-sighted leadership and economic growth founded on a hardworking, cooperative workforce. The later years bore fruit and many Singaporeans became affluent, compared with people of other developing countries. Having gone through tough times, Singaporeans of yesteryears developed a mindset of not allowing their offspring to go through the same, at whatever cost. Based on their past and present backgrounds, situations and experiences of small-family parents, we will explore next their perceptions of the self, others and the world. Despite the surface similarities, there are subtle differences between small-family parents and other types of parents. Classic examples are given below, some of which I have alluded to briefly in my article on filial parenting.31 Small-family parents would see someone from a different kind of background as unfortunate. For example: “I came from a large family; I am myself because of what I have been deprived of ”; or “Because of so many mouths to feed in my family, I am myself because of what I was not helped to achieve”; and for those who were a success: “I’ve worked hard all my life to get to where I am, despite the difficulties my family went through in the past”. Small-family parents’ view of the world would be expressed as: “Very few places in the world are safe to live in now” and “It is a complex world given today’s conditions”; thus, “It is unsafe and uncertain for my children” so “I must protect them from dangers and uncertainties with all my energy”. Therefore, within this broader social context, smallfamily parents see their children as deserving the best. That

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means children come first, regardless. If there was a method for enhancing the development of the child even at the foetal stage, small-family parents would opt for it. Thus, small-family parents provide their children with everything, from physical to mental to spiritual. Pampering and splurging, over-nurturing and over-protecting, over-caring and over-demanding is the order of the day. For the Chinese, as the saying goes, “Father earns money while children enjoy it, as buffaloes plough the fields while horses enjoy the grains (୬‫๊۾‬જԁ‫؀ূܩ‬ሑళሸར‫”)ھ‬. It is usual for Chinese parents to pass on their wealth and material gains to their offspring. This is in contrast to Western parenting styles, where children may not necessary inherit wealth from their parents. Western parents might prefer their children to work for the accumulation of wealth, and prosperous parents sometimes give only a portion of their accrued wealth to their children.32 It is unthinkable that a Chinese person would not pass on wealth to his or her offspring, given Chinese beliefs and customs. Today, the abundance of information available on science, health, and techniques on bringing up children, combined with couples having smaller families, has affected parenting greatly. Imagine a pair of new parents busying themselves with building a career on top of running a small family in the modern environment. The first child born to them is precious. Why should they not put all their efforts and money into nurturing this child? How is it possible to allow harm or injury to come to this little life? How is it possible for responsible parents to neglect the growth and development of their child? Even the birth of a

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second or third child is not sufficient to divert the efforts of the parents. Instead, the small-family parenting style persists. Compare this to the days of large families, where each member worked for his or her survival, given the family’s conditions and limited means. Of course, the nurturing process was biased towards the male child. Children grew up on their own terms and preferences. The first child was often a copy of his or her parents; the second onwards often opted to be different, sometimes more adventurous. Kevin Leman33 has provided some descriptions of the characteristics of children in traditional families: the first-born as conscientious, cautious, structured, reliable, controlling, and high achievers; the middle children as rebellious, thriving on friendships, having a large social circle, and people-pleasers and peacemakers; and last-born as funloving, uncomplicated, manipulative, outgoing, and attentionseekers and self-centred. Those who are an only child are mature for their age, perfectionists, conscientious, diligent and leaders. Single children are quite the norm for small families. Many parents are content with one offspring to maintain the lineage. Especially in China, which has enforced a one-child policy to maintain population growth, people are used to this, given their material circumstances. Of course, wealthier families would like to have more children. And China has now relaxed the policy to include a second child if the first is a daughter. Chinese news reports indicate that the one child is worshipped as a prince if male, and a princess if female. Details are discussed later.

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HOW DO SMALL- FAMILY PARENTS THINK AND FEEL? Typically, small-family parents think and feel much like other parents. For example: • “What I know of the past, my children must also know. That is, what risks and dangers I have experienced, they must not fall into them.” • “What good things I have learned in life, they must know and use them.” • “What I have now, my children will also have.” • “What I don’t have, I must try to provide for them.” • “What I see of the future, they must be prepared for.” With this kind of thinking and feeling, parents will frequently lecture their children about safety and keeping the family informed of their whereabouts. Hearing reports of an exhibitionist lurking in the area will be enough to send the smallfamily parents escorting their children everywhere. Listening to another parent talking about how her son was conned out of a hundred dollars on his smart phone will again have smallfamily parents warning their children to delete all suspicious text messages. Small-family parents soon become drivers-on-call to their children. You must have experienced this: during a conversation or shopping trip with a small-family parent, your dialogue or shopping is disrupted when the child of the small-family parent calls to be picked up from wherever he or she is, even when public transport is available, or he or she has the money for a

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taxi. This happens even if the child is a young adult, capable of negotiating his or her way home. The impression one gets is that the children of small-family parents are the be-all and end-all of their lives. They will do everything possible to protect their children from harm, to ensure they are able to deal with the complexities of the world, and to guide them in how to live a better life. If someone developed a bubble-type garment that could wrap up a child in protective material and prevent all harm coming to him or her, including bacteria and physical dangers, but still allowed them to function normally, you can be assured small-family parents would have one for each of their children. Children of small-family parents are treated as fragile, precious possessions, to be protected and assisted with every step of development. Consequently, this overprotection and overassistance becomes a hindrance to the proper natural growth and development of children.

WHAT ARE THE STRENGTHS OF SMALLFAMILY PARENTS? Strength is defined in positive psychology as an observable, intrinsically valuable, fulfilling trait nurtured by social norms and institutions.34 In other words, it is a relatively stable characteristic of the individual that assists in his or her attainment of goals or overcoming obstacles in life. Many of these strengths are built over time or are developed through home training, education, business, work and play.

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For example, one may find the strengths of prudence, teamwork, perseverance, and resilience among those who work hard. Those who have opportunities in education and travel may have strengths in knowledge, perspective, humanity, and appreciation of excellence. Those who have wealth and power may develop the characteristics of leadership, fairness, kindness and honesty. These descriptions are not mutually exclusive to one group or another; dependent on the situation, certain strengths take emphasis over others at different times in a person’s life. The field of positive psychology has identified six virtues comprising 24 character strengths of individuals.35 Virtues

Character Strengths

Wisdom and Knowledge

Creativity (Originality, Ingenuity) Curiosity (Interest, Novelty-Seeking, Open to Experience) Open-mindedness (Judgement, Critical-Thinking) Love of Learning Perspective (Wisdom)

Courage

Bravery (Valour) Persistence (Perseverance, Industriousness) Integrity (Authenticity, Honesty) Vitality (Zest, Enthusiasm, Vigour, Energy)

Humanity

Love Kindness (Generosity, Nurturance, Care, Compassion, Altruistic Love, “Niceness”) Social intelligence (Emotional Intelligence, Personal Intelligence)

Justice

Citizenship (Social responsibility, Loyalty, Teamwork) Fairness Leadership

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Temperance

Forgiveness and Mercy Humility and Modesty Prudence Self-regulation (Self-Control)

Transcendence

Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence (Awe, Wonder, Elevation) Gratitude Hope (Optimism, Future-mindedness, Future Orientation) Humour (Playfulness) Spirituality (Religiousness, Faith, Purpose)

In her doctoral study at James Cook University, Janice Lee Niann Tsyr36 conducted a study on the relationships between character strengths, happiness, life purpose and satisfaction valued by Singaporeans of all ethnic groups. Results of the 304 Singapore adults who responded to the survey showed that zest, hope, curiosity, capacity to love and gratitude were the top five character strengths of the sampled Singaporeans. Happiness orientation through pursuing a life of meaning was preferred by all ethnic groups. A later study by Huynh Nhu Huong Chau37 on a Singaporean sample of 145 young adults confirmed these top five character strengths. She concluded that the young adults seemed to obtain pleasure most through being curious and humorous; maintained engagement best through being persistent, curious and energetic; and found meaning through being thankful for the good things in life. Positive psychologists advocate that schools focus on all aspects of character strengths over and above the school curriculum to make students more rounded people.38 Many parenting experts advocate that parents do their best to develop the strengths of

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their children. The strengths of a person are his or her coping skills, which translate into resilience, i.e., the ability to bounce back from trouble, trauma or disaster. Resilient people do best in the workplace and in life. On the whole, the strengths of a person will affect his or her physiology, thoughts, emotions and actions. The effects of the strengths of small-family parenting are illustrated in the next few chapters and throughout the book.

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WHAT DO SMALL- FAMILY PARENTS DO?

Small-family parents are probably most different from other parents in their overt actions. Deploying their strengths, smallfamily parents do the following two things: • Indulge children for optimal growth and development • Help children as much as possible

INDULGE CHILDREN FOR OPTIMAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT Consider first three categories of the self used by psychologists: the actual-self, the ought-self and the ideal-self.39 The actual-self is one’s attributes (for example, attractiveness), perceived by oneself or others. The ought-self is one’s attributes (for example, a sense of duty), believed by oneself or others that one should possess. The ideal-self are attributes (for example, aspirations) that oneself or others would like to possess. As an aspiration, the ideal-self could motivate people to change, improve and achieve. Applying these

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definitions, we can observe that some people are doing what they want in life by being their actual-selves or ideal-selves. Whereas, many children of filial parents are not their actual-selves — they are, rather, the ought-selves that filial parents desire them to be. Most parents want to fulfil their children’s needs through care, nurturance, school, and leisure. Small-family parents, however, are both more precious and more demanding with their children: they are very protective and monitor them closely, pushing them towards tuition and other extracurricular classes. Unfortunately, this is all done at the expense of leisure and social skills. Even schoolwork is carried out during school holidays. Unfortunately, too, the feeding of children is not with good foods but foods that the children desire. What is more noteworthy here is that parents will impose their demands on their children. That is, they push their children to be what they, the parents, desire them to be when they grow up — the “ought” selves. For example, if both parents are doctors, the children will be strongly urged to follow in their footsteps. This means finding the right programmes, teachers and schools, and paying high fees for education if necessary. Indulging children for optimal growth and development ties in well with human needs. Needs are biological and physiological (such as food and water, shelter, healthcare, sex, sleep), safety, belongingness (family and relationships), self-esteem, and selfactualisation (personal growth). The list of biological and physiological needs is long, but small-family parents will attempt to fulfil them for their children. The more they are informed of such needs, the more they would

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attempt to fulfil. Examples in real life abound. If you advertise that a certain brand of enriched fruit juice will enhance the growth of a child, including raising their IQ, you will find small-family parents seeking the product out without much consideration for its real properties. Because of the discomfort of Singapore’s hot and humid weather, small-family parents will ensure cool air-conditioning is available at home for their children, never mind the increased costs of electricity. Even a baby or toddler in a perambulator is offered a battery-operated fan. If they feel the environment is unsafe, parents will entrust an adult to accompany the children whenever they are travelling alone. If they think their children lack friends, they will plan outings for them. If their children need help in education, tutors will be employed. If told that Montessori childcare is better than normal childcare, small-family parents will secure places for their children. Otherwise, small-family parents will head for the best reputable schools for their children. If they learn of a good tutor for a subject, their children will be given extracurricular tuition. Regarding esteem needs, these are something adults often seek out, such as trying to do well in a competition or winning an award for something. Children of small-family parents will be pushed through every means to achieve, notwithstanding their abilities; especially if the parents have already achieved the same goals themselves. If their children need overseas exposure, parents will arrange for a placement, going to the location to check it out and ensuring a trusted adult is living with their children. If necessary, one of the parents will live with the child overseas. This is called satellite parenting, often highlighted in the popular

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media. If uprooting is necessary, the entire family will migrate to the country in question. If finances run short, small-family parents may even mortgage their apartments or houses. Early self-actualisation, that is, seeking to fulfil one’s dream or ideal career in life, may be difficult for the children, given the demands of the small-family parenting style. Self-actualisation later in life may still be possible if these children have learnt to be independent, got away from their parents and are making decisions for themselves.

HELP CHILDREN AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE Helping one’s children because they are not fully developed physically and mentally is natural. But helping by doing everything for them is not desirable — it is a disservice. In the long-term, they will be deprived of full physical, mental and even emotional development. To iterate, neurobiological science has it that the first two years of life are crucial for brain development in the infant.40 The personality, critically the frontal lobe of the brain, of an individual reaches full development at the age of 25! Examples of this kind of help from small-family parents or significant others are plentiful. Babies are often carried in arms, swaddled or seated in perambulators. No doubt, this relieves the strain on the arms and body in carrying the baby for a while too long, and carrying the baby close to the body makes for good bonding. Often, however, this bonding occurs between baby and maid, rather than the biological parent. From young, small-family parents will answer questions directed to their children, even if the children are able

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to answer for themselves. All it takes is for the child to be a little shy or slow in answering a question, and the answer will quickly come from one of the parents. This form of verbal assistance is one of the factors that could delay the language and social development of the child. Protecting one’s children from harm is again natural for all parents. But ensuring that they do not get the slightest hurt, physically or emotionally, is a specialty of small-family parents. Parents and significant others will use their hand to shield the children from harm when they move around. It is observed that small-family parents will chauffeur their children everywhere, unless alternative safe private or public transport is available. If a child complains of risks in a football game, the small-family parents will watch closely; if the risks are perceived too dangerous for their child, small-family parents may ask that the child be withdrawn from the activity altogether. As for carrying school materials like books and paraphernalia, it is often the parent or the maid who is doing the carrying. Even a small bag is seldom carried by the child. This denies the child of some strength-building as well as taking responsibility for their belongings. Most small-family parents or maids pack the school materials for the children. This further denies the child the responsibility of managing their own schedule. Children at home neither do housework nor help their parents in any way. The reason offered is that they have to study hard for their schoolwork. An examination of the studying behaviours of the children will find Internet surfing or gaming or smartphone communication occupying the bulk of study time. Children are thus denied

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the learning of roles and responsibilities at home. No doubt they become IT savvy, but the constant hugging of electronic devices leads to poor posture, poor eyesight, and probably an IT personality — i.e., an unfriendly and unsociable type. Children’s difficulties or bad encounters are often told to small-family parents, who will then confront their perpetrators, be they teachers, bullies, or other parents and children. Teenage growth and problems are interfered with by small-family parents. For example, small-family parents will choose their children’s friends. On the whole, small-family parents often lend a hand to the daily activities of their children and teenagers so much so that physical, mental, emotional and social developments are hampered or delayed, and make them appear disadvantaged or awkward in social situations. Most ordinary parents look after their children till they grow up and are able to fend for themselves. This is about the time the children have attained minimum schooling and are able to hold down a job, and may be in a relationship. Small-family parents, however, guide their children way into adulthood, thinking that they lack experience in life. This is an endless task, as parents are older than their children and so will have more experience in life. Small-family parents often assume that their children or teenagers are unable to learn about the world or fend for themselves. It is not surprising that today’s children or teenagers may be more knowledgeable and smarter than their parents based on the sources they learn from — Internet, modern-day schooling, communication and experience. Guiding them on the use of appropriate sources of information is sufficient.

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A chief concern of small-family parents is the socialisation of their children or teenagers. In the earlier years, smallfamily parents keep a close eye on their children’s friends and acquaintances. In later years, they earnestly assist their young adults in selecting the ideal partner in life. Separating from small-family parents may occur when the young adults get married. But small-family parenting love is steadfastly maintained with the couple’s frequent visits to the parents’ home, expected and demanded by the parents. During these visits, young adults update their parents on their married life. When these updates include stressful events, small-family parents will chip in to help ameliorate the situation, stressing themselves while continuing the parenting roles. Having children living with them into adulthood is perfectly acceptable, as small-family parents have become dependent on their children, and vice versa. Small-family parents naturally do not realise that this phenomenon is happening to them, but would consider it part of their parenting role. Most small-family parents would not mind even living with their grandchildren. We are family. This is in contrast to Western culture, where children are encouraged to leave home and be independent for themselves. Small-family parents are hopeful they will be cared for by their children when they are old. So keeping descendants in the same household may serve to fuel this expectation. It is not surprising to find well-to-do, small-family parents buying apartments and homes for their children, just in case they are unable to afford one themselves, given the rising costs of living. At the least, these families will be living in big houses or apartments with enough rooms to house the children, even if they are married!

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FACTORS AFFECTING SMALLFAMILY PARENTING

Two important factors that affect the smooth flow of smallfamily parenting are genetic predisposition and the environment. Even when adopting the strongest small-family parenting style, these factors may determine to a significant extent the children’s growth and development. For example, a child may carry a gene for a disability. When this seemingly unavoidable situation occurs, small-family parenting takes a different course, which deviates from its principles and aims. My observations have shown that parents from different cultures adopt different approaches to managing children with disability. For some, it is accepted as the will of God or nature, for others it is bad luck, and someone is to be blamed for it. Research, however, has shown that one’s genetic makeup is not an absolutely fixed destiny. With advancements in genetic research, it may be a matter of time before genetic manipulation could help alter disorders such as Down’s syndrome. For later

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genetic expression of diseases or disorders, purposeful and sustained cognitive behavioural and environmental changes may delay or alter the genes from expressing their effects on the body. For example, by eating a careful diet, those who are genetically predisposed may delay the development of diabetes.41 There is a possibility that doing this for one generation or more would alter the “unhealthy” genes altogether. Evolutionary and ecological psychologies have much to say on this (see, for example, the article by Maccoby).42 In another instance, a child may be a good natural singer with an assertive personality. So, in spite of going through his or her filial parents’ development plan, like coaching and nurturing the child to be a lawyer, the child may eventually seek out singing opportunities, and end up being a singer. A compromise method once employed by a child to overcome his filial parents’ control went like this. The father, who ran a business, wanted his only son to study business management and take over the company later in life. But the son wanted to be a teacher. Appeasing the father’s wish, the son took up business studies for three years. After graduation, to the father’s surprise, the son took up teaching studies and went into a teaching career. The son’s argument was that he lost some time doing business studies, but he fulfilled the wishes of his parents. This is likened to the Confucian resolution of conflicts — taking the middle stance. Another factor that could upset the flow of small-family parenting is emigration or movement of the family into another culture. For example, a small-parent Chinese Singaporean family may uproot and move to a foreign country, say New Zealand. One

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of the parents may have found a professional job in New Zealand. The children are at primary school age. The move involves major physical and psychosocial changes. Besides having to adjust to the new climate, the family has to adapt to the lifestyle and system of the adopted country. Small-family practices of both parents now take on major environmental influences. Given the different lifestyles and culture of New Zealand, the children are then exposed to more changes than their parents, specifically, the educational system and social norms of their adopted country. Hence, the small-family parenting style is challenged. Eventually the children will find a compromise; it is likely they would prefer to live like New Zealanders, but acquiesce to the expected behaviours of their small-family parents only in the latter’s presence. There is yet another significant observation of behaviours of small-family parents, particularly those with two children. Some parents decide to have a third child, just in case the first two will not look after them in old age. This happens when the first two are older, in pubescence or adolescence.

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ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES OF SMALL- FAMILY PARENTING

This section is probably the most sensitive of all, as it concerns the advantages and disadvantages of adopting the small-family parenting style. No rational parent would want to learn of disadvantages to their children brought about through their parenting choices. “I don’t do that”, or “It is not my parenting style”, or “Everyone is doing that, what’s wrong with it?” These are likely some of the responses small-family parents would give in reaction to the disadvantages mentioned. As with other parenting styles, children brought up through the small-family parenting style do have their advantages and disadvantages. It is my aim to have parents and researchers verify these observed characteristics. Should they find them objectionable or refutable, they can cite examples to the author for a review. Should they find them true, they can help modify children’s upbringing, adopting the recommendations mentioned in this book, or devise alternative methods.

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Culture-specifically, filial parenting is continued by Chinese Singaporeans and supported by the present Singapore system. The following advantages and disadvantages are taken from my article on filial parenting.43

ADVANTAGES Educational success Children raised by small-family parents get to attain sufficient education to do better in life, if academic achievement is the benchmark for gauging a person’s growth and development. This means the child’s esteem needs are met. Often, education for small-family parents in Singapore means achieving tertiary level schooling, that is, at least a diploma, if not a bachelor’s degree. Parents who can afford it expect their children to achieve a doctorate. Education links closely with career in modern society, that is, a better-educated person is expected to achieve better prospects or a higher paid job in the work force. In addition, this person is equated with better civility, leadership, greater openmindedness, and a higher quality of life. Obviously, better education goes with more skills in learning, thinking, feeling, and doing, and the development of one’s character strengths. In terms of the modern world, this entails more skills in information technology — in other words, the person is IT savvy. In the developing world, skilled labour is desired over unskilled labour; thus, education ensures the labour force is trained with the right skills. People who strive to move forward in learning will survive. The system that provides for improvement in learning

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will be advantageous. Small-family parents are definitely aware of these lines of learning management.

Fulfilling parental desires Linked closely to the educational success of children is that such success is often the desire of small-family parents. This desire may happen to coincide with society’s needs or market demands. For example, if there is a need for more lawyers, and lawyers are perceived to be of a higher status, then small-family parents will strongly encourage their children to read law. The encouragement to develop desirably by the parents comes early in the indoctrination process at home. The children will be exposed to talks and discussions on legal cases, ethical and moral dilemmas, as well as legal and criminal cases. In the process, the children’s attention is focused on the law. It is difficult for one to not be attracted to the legal profession given the circumstances. On the other hand, if the child wants to be a street artist, but this is perceived as not a viable profession, small-family parents will pressure their children to give up this ambition. Talks and discussions at home by the small-family parents will focus on the negative consequences of being a street artist, including having a dismal future. Exceptions to these aforementioned developments in the small family do happen. For example, children who are sufficiently assertive seek their own developmental paths, or are naturally endowed and supported by a scholarship to go through a special programme of choice (e.g., into the fine arts). The consequence is often familial conflict, frustration and occasional fury among family members, with the children fielding demands from the

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parents while defending their rights. Small-family parents do sometimes give in to learning paths that come with a scholarship, especially prestigious ones — which means there is a future to learning this skill, because it is backed by external authority. Occasionally, the influence of grandparents comes to bear. If a grandparent wields power in terms of wealth and knowledge, and he or she is the patron in the family, the main say goes to this grandparent. For example, the grandparent may wish the grandchild to take up a position in his or her company or corporation upon completing school. The grandchild may be influenced into studying a suitable discipline in university as a result. In most cases, the child will grow up to be a highly regarded person in society, given the highly acclaimed occupation they will take up. The disregard of personal interests is a self-sacrificing trademark of the Chinese. This sacrifice is a small price to pay for being part of a collectivistic society.44

Some or no sibling rivalry For a one-child family, there is obviously no sibling rivalry. The only child benefits in every respect from both parents, and from significant others present in the family. There are pros and cons to being an only child. The pros are full attention, full care and nurturance, and the best of all worlds. The cons could mean not knowing the have-nots, lacking in understanding of competition, and the inability to accept failure or taking no for an answer. However, if it is a two- or three-child family, there is some sibling rivalry with the children competing for attention. But

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because there is often one adult for each child, including the significant other, sibling rivalry is reduced to a minimum. As mentioned earlier, a grandparent may dote on the male child, maintaining the Chinese traditional practice.

Small family benefits There is much to gain coming from a small family. As the only child, or being one of two or three children, regardless of gender, one would stand to gain much — from attaining higher education, to more pocket money, to having many toys to play with, to full attention and care from both parents, almost living like princes and princesses. Small-family parents are hopeful these children will look after them in old age, as in the case of the filial model. Filial piety can be seemingly maintained in the filial family. There are, of course, instances of children becoming filial to their parents in the long run in non-filial families. Many factors come into play — maturity, environmental influences, to name a few; this is another issue for further investigation by researchers. Summarising the filial parenting style among Chinese Singaporeans, it is an identifiable style of parenting developed out of small families, environmental changes, cultural characteristics and social demands. The filial parenting style, as a cultural example of small-family parenting, can be seen to stand out, with its markedly different characteristics of reciprocal filialness, parental over-responsiveness, and parental love in the form of devoted control.

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DISADVANTAGES Missing natural childhood and loss of development of self With the over-protection and nurturance from small-family parents, coupled with a metropolitan environment like Singapore, and with a deliberate schedule of activities beginning in preschool, children of small-family parenting have to bear a childhood of a different kind — the loss of natural childhood, which could be termed as being less “street-smart”.45 No matter how well outdoor activities are planned, the very absence of natural environments in Singapore coupled with a regimented process of learning, the overall growth and learning for children is not adequate. This is probably one of the reasons why many Singaporeans opt for overseas vacationing, and why Singaporean children may behave quite wildly when placed in large open spaces like shopping malls, or travelling in nearby countries, like Malaysia. This kind of behaviour is probably what humans need to grow and develop naturally. The possession of electronic gadgets, like the smartphone and portable computer, has become a physical obsession among children. This is happening so much so that children (and adults too) are not aware of their surroundings when they move about in public places, behaving robotically. Do not ever ask them to be an eye-witness to any incident or accident. The outcome is that they are poor with directions and spatial orientation. A recent popular media slogan is that IT (Information Technology) is making IdioTs out of people — hanging on to IT devices regardless of who they are with, what situations

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they are in, or where they are. Is social life so dull? Are we so dependent on IT devices? Along with the loss of natural childhood, most children of small-family parents do not get the chance to develop into an individual of their choice. Amongst the abundance of indulgence and guidance, children of small-family parenting will face difficulties identifying what they want to be or do in life; in other words, they cannot be true to their natural selves. Many children will grow up having a firm educational foundation and a successful career, to later find themselves wondering what they wanted in life. And given the rigid environment of Singapore, where only favourable jobs are popularised, there is not much scope for one trying to find the path of “real-self ” in life. Consider a child who finds a certain line of philosophy of life interesting and challenging, and thus wants to be a professional philosopher. What would this child’s small-family parents think? Given that most parents in Asian countries would strongly object to such a direction, with the Singapore parents very likely detesting it, it is unimaginable that the child can get anywhere near this goal in life. A possible saviour of the situation is when a prominent public institution suddenly advertises to hire philosophers for their services. It is no wonder that in a collectivistic society like Singapore, given the small-family parenting, particularly filial parenting, given the conditions mentioned, we rarely find outstanding or creative individuals. It has been remarked by some foreign trainers that in Singapore, spontaneity is taught!

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Adopting entitlement attitude When children are brought up without a thought for effort and payment in obtaining goods and services, these children will develop an “entitlement” attitude. This is happening in small families, especially among prosperous families. Affluence is the source of this disadvantage.46 Children will always want to fulfil their material desires, whether it is a genuine need or not. For example, they may have a good-quality smartphone. But if their schoolmates have a more recent model, the child will want to replace theirs with the newer smartphone to keep up. Or, it could come from the parents. Small-family parents may find that the latest model of computers works faster than the previous model, or could help track the usage of their children; hence, their children get a computer upgrade. Is this a real need, or a fulfilment of parental care, or merely kiasu behaviour of the small-family parents? The list of desired material needs for children of small-family parents is endless. The wish of small-family parents is to ensure their children have the best for growth and development. Few if any parents would care about or be aware of the dangers that come from material goods. For example, the electromagnetic radiation from electronic gadgets are ignored simply because they are not visible. Even with the known risks of poor posture and deteriorating eyesight (optical radiation from blue light)47 resulting from the regular use of smartphones and computers, few parents would manage their children’s usage. At the psychosocial level, these children will find it hard to take “no” for an answer, and have great difficulty accepting failure. Imagine

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you have everything in life and have never been denied a request for anything. How would you take on responsibilities later in life and manage interactions with other people where you are required to compromise? Linked with the entitlement attitude of children of smallfamily parents is their lack of awareness and empathy for others. For children of small-family parenting, the self comes before anyone. Put another way, they become self-absorbed. From the perspective of the small-family parents or their children, they are not so. They are just not bothering others when they go about their activities. Psychologically, this is termed egocentric. This self-centredness is difficult to change; it becomes a personality trait, an ingrained characteristic that drives one’s thoughts, feelings and behaviours. It is connected to one’s core sense of self. A trait is an enduring, stable characteristic of the person. A belief is an ingrained conviction in the person built up through life. It is easier to change an attitude than a belief or a trait. For example, children of small-family parents are seen not to greet elders, or even their own parents. It may seem like discourtesy, but it is a lack of awareness of others. The children would also not ask their parents whether they have eaten when the parents serve them cooked food at home. When chatting with others about their activities, they would say, “I and my friends went to…”, or “I and my family did…”; it is not so much about poor command of language—rather, the self is seen as central. Similarly, this lack of awareness or concern becomes a lack of care for others. How would society expect children of small-family parents to be caring if they are brought up in such a way? It is no wonder that

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foreigners are brought in to Singapore to work in caring jobs like nursing, healthcare, and social services. Notice too, that small-family parents do not use the “I” in their conversations with their children. They would say instead “Daddy says this”, and “Mummy wants that”. What happens to parental authority? Are modern parents no longer in charge of the families they are responsible for? One possibility is that parents do not want to offend their children, rather hoping to please them so they are loyal in future! The behaviours of these children in public show up this disadvantage clearly. Try opening and holding the door for a child. He or she is likely to walk through without a word of acknowledgement. When they are walking in a group, other pedestrians are ignored. When they are in a group conversation, the noise level is not controlled even in the presence of others, or even when a film is screened. When they are at a game machine at the arcade, the next person waiting is ignored. The play is ended only when the child is done with his or her game.

Lacking independence for parents and children Given the constant care and nurturance of the small-family parents, their children would not be able to stand up for themselves. Since birth, they hardly had to lift a finger. Most tasks are often done by the parents or by the domestic helper or significant other. You may have observed the maid carrying the child’s belongings, including school bags, even military bags when the youngster is attending compulsory military service in Singapore. They seldom make their own decisions, except

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perhaps for basic needs. Put another way, the nurturance and care from their parents causes an extreme dependency. Smallfamily parents will assert that their children need them for care, love and support; whereas the children will declare their parents need them for company. And so a vicious cycle is created. For example, when you are out socialising with small-family parents, they may suddenly drop what they are doing and leave abruptly to care for their children. The reason: the child phoned that he or she had forgotten to bring a personal item to a gathering, even if the item is not needed immediately. When these children become teenagers, small-family parents cannot leave them to grow up on their own. If the family is invited out, the children will be told to come along, even if they indicate they want to stay home. The rationale from small-family parents is that their children would not be able to prepare their own meals. When the children confide to their parents their issues and problems they have with friends, the parents will delightfully step in to help. For example, when the son mentions that a certain classmate gave him a nickname, small-family parents would try to deflect the negative emotion by telling the child to ignore the remark and person, rather than giving an explanation on name calling behaviours and how to manage them. Ignoring rather than solving troubles is a common technique used by Chinese people in problem-solving.

Relationship issues A very considerable disadvantage is the resultant relationship of the children of small-family parents with their friends.

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Because of the close parental care and protection, these children will find it hard to make friends freely, especially in boy-girl relationships. At every stage of life, small-family parents will have a say in their children’s life, friendships, partnerships and marriage as well. The children are not free to make friends in school or the workplace — the parents have a big say. They have even more of a say when it comes to choosing a life partner or spouse. I have seen instances of small-family parents rejecting one boyfriend after another of their daughter because of looks, status, financial stability, or some reason known only to the small-family parents. So what do you expect of such children? Decision-making abilities? Low to medium, with a dependency on their parents. Are they happy with life? Hopefully; but they feel entitled and are materialistic. How is their self-esteem? Low to medium, and very self-centred. Responsible? Somewhat. Proficient in what they know? Very likely. Are they socially competent? Not really, because they need to take instructions from their parents. Awareness of others? Lacking. These outcomes are dependent on circumstances. For example, guys doing their military service may get a chance to build up their physical strength, which otherwise would have been overlooked. My opinion of the growth and development of a person is that his or her characteristics, and even personality, once established early on, will help sustain the person throughout life. Viewed through the prism of the self, others and the world, children of small-family parenting, right up to their thirties,

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have the following characteristics compared to people of past generations. The shape of these characteristics varies with individuals depending on maturity, influence of peers and the media.

Low self-esteem Children of small-family parents are quite loose in their public behaviour. Parental overprotection and permissiveness, coupled with a lack of emphasis on cultural and social values, has led to this. They will show much pride in their skills learnt through good education, but are less confident due to over-parenting, which does not give them much opportunity to be independent; hence, they are poor decision-makers. Depending on their personality, low to medium self-esteem is the most likely outcome. These children have opportunities to experience all sorts of extra-curricular activities (like music, ballet, swimming, arts, etc) and the provision of modern electronic equipment. They are so focused that they are quite out of control when doing their own thing, and don’t know when to limit desires and wants. These children also have more opportunities to travel overseas for excursion or studies. Thus, they have worldwide exposure, too. They are physically and emotionally weaker due to lack of outdoor activities and a lifetime of being assisted often, and committed to more indoor activities.

Relating to others Because these children are closely guarded and nurtured by their small-family parents and significant others, they are more self-

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absorbed. Opportunities to interact with others are few when not under parental control or watchful eyes, leading to a lack of awareness of the presence of others, and making them socially inactive or inept. They could be considered lacking in altruism, and definitely not able to really care for others, as in their experience, caring is mostly done for them.

Relating to the world Because these children are pandered to in most instances, they do not help out at home. Thus, they are brought up with a penchant for a materialistic and comfortable way of life. The major downside is that they cannot really accept “no” for an answer. Where paid work is concerned, though they may be diligent, they do not have much enthusiasm, given the good life they have been living. Low paying jobs are shunned; the preference is for cosy jobs—that is, jobs that are undemanding and come with an air-conditioned and clean ambience, with amenities close by. Appreciation of nature is out of the question. In fact, they are probably afraid of common household insects like spiders, moths, lizards and bees. We will now analyse small-family parenting with reference to the points mentioned in negotiation parenting. Philosophically, small-family parents do not believe in a free and individual life for their children. Children are their possession and obsession, their reason for living. It is unthinkable that small-family parents could let go of their children to develop a life of their own. This is not to say that the small-family parenting style is incorrect; rather, small-family parents should

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relax about controlling their children, and not deprive them of an opportunity to explore the world. When it comes to principled negotiation, small-family parents do practise parental control, insisting they know what is good for their children. It leans towards authoritarian rather than authoritative style; their children have not much of a say over educational choices and their later occupation. I often wonder how many parents are aware of their personal learning style. If they aren’t, how will they teach their children? My observation is that many parents spoil their children by allowing freedom of Internet use at home. In other words, there is no reinforcement of learning at home. I would describe it as unlearning what is learnt in school. For other parents, they are too concerned with the education of the children that they overreinforce the learning process, making education a scary thing for their children. In extreme cases, we find a child committing suicide when he or she fails in school. If small-family parents were to adopt the negotiation parenting style advocated in this book, their children will be better people.

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SMALL- FAMILY PARENTING AND MENTAL HEALTH

Physical, emotional and mental responsibilities are something all parents experience. (The separation of parenting responsibilities into physical, emotional and mental for the sake of discussion is arbitrary. In reality, all forms of parenting responsibilities are interlinked.) The physical responsibilities, though extensive, can be shared with others, such as carers, helpers and grandparents. Emotional responsibility goes hand-in-hand with mental responsibility. For ease of discussion, the term mental responsibility is used throughout to mean both these responsibilities; where differentiation is needed, they are referred to separately. The mental responsibility is etched forever in the minds of both small-family parents. Putting it another way, the mental health of both parents are taxed from the day they conceive children to their death. It should be noted that parents adopting the small-family

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parenting style face a dilemma: to nurture one’s children to be successful in life means that parents have to identify and dictate terms and conditions considered best for their children’s development; but to be anxious and fear losing their children means that small-family parents have to allow for flexibility with their children. The alternative is to adopt a different parenting style, like negotiation parenting; but small-family parents are thoroughly convinced that their approach is correct. As with all parenthood, the joy of being parents is beyond words. To see a life evolving from the union of a seemingly invisible sperm and egg to a human capable of growth and development, and becoming another person is miraculous. What is more emotionally satisfying is that the new person has features of one or both parents that bore him or her. The growth and development of the child is full of bliss and hope. Given the available means of small-family parents and the opportunity to nurture one, two or three children, the chances of the children succeeding in life according to parental desires are much higher. This is probably one of the main reasons parents in Singapore refuse to be tempted to have more children. Having experienced the workings of large families, where there are too many mouths to feed and too many children to support to achieve a better education, small-family parents want their children to have better opportunities. It is more viable to focus on nurturing a few children than to bring up many, especially in the competitive and kiasu environment of Singapore. Culture-specifically, the hope of receiving filial piety from one’s children keeps many filial parents going in life. To them,

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there is no other comparable anticipation, a delayed reward that is so fulfilling and everlasting, no filial parent would want to miss out. It is very much what they live for. In fact, filial parents often talk openly or brag about the achievements of their children: for example, the child having attained a top position in class or school, being awarded an overseas scholarship, or being made president of a school club. The positive health aspects of small-family parenting include the normal joys of parenthood, and the ability to raise children to become successful people. On the other hand, the negative health aspects of small-family parenting include the stresses of parenthood, and the fear of their children getting hurt, ill, or losing them. Over-protection and over-involvement of parents with their children are known to cause anxiety in the children later on in life, or even psychological issues and disorders.48 The mental stress of parenthood is inherent to all parenting, as the world is full of challenges as well as risks. Education remains the biggest challenge for small-family parents. Smallfamily parents are not only stressed and made anxious by their children’s education, but also by their yearly achievements—the ability to move up the ladder of education. The goals of schools to produce successful students add further stresses. And to have their children live up to their expectations of doing well in studies, small-family parents become worried about their children’s education. This increases anxiety. To cope, small-family parents will pressure their children to succeed in education. This will include getting extracurricular tuition, a favourite pastime of Chinese Singaporean children. It

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is not surprising that small-family parents ask for homework for their kindergarten children. To break a parent’s heart is to have the school informing the parent that his or her child has played truant, or is not doing well in a subject — or worse still, failed the year’s final examination. Besides education, small-family parents want their children to do well in extracurricular activities, as points are awarded for doing so, and students with outstanding academic and high extracurricular points gain scholarships, which in turn provide better job opportunities in the civil service in Singapore, the meritocratic way. The fear of their children becoming independent is beginning to be recognised by Chinese Singaporean small-family parents, as their children become adults and have their own families. Children of small-family parents struggle with the high cost of living in Singapore, looking after themselves and their offspring. To also look after their parents is out of the question. It is not surprising to hear someone telling his or her parents that their income is insufficient other than for their own use. As with any new marriage or family, the young couple like to live out on their own. Children of filial parents are no exception. But small-family parents would want their children to live close by or visit them frequently. This tendency has created some difficulties. The compensatory factor is when there are grandchildren. Seemingly, small-family parents are willing to carry out the role of grandparenting, whether part- or full-time, so as to maintain the parent-child relationship. To save costs of having a domestic help, children of small-family parents may consent to their parents looking after the grandchildren.

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The positive health aspects of being children of small-family parents include the normal joys of childhood, and the ability to become successful people with strong parental support. These are present with negative health aspects that seem to be gaining the upper hand. The negative health aspects of being children of small-family parents include stresses from school and family, whether to be filial children, and the uncertain future of fulfilling one’s duties as children. The stress that children face in today’s world comes from many sources — the family, school, peers, and media, to name the important few. Small-family parents put education above everything else for their children. As mentioned, in Singapore academic excellence paves the way for success and recognition of its people. As teachers and psychologists know, students have different learning curves, which means that every student learns at a different pace. Unfortunately, educational systems are such that it is impossible to educate students based on individual pace; hence, group teaching and learning is used. Top students and schools that have performed outstandingly are highlighted, whether in the school or in public through various media. It can be a banner hung on the school fence, or a page in the school magazine or yearbook, or an illustrated excerpt in the local newspaper. No doubt this makes the concerned students, parents and schools proud; but it is a double-edged sword, since it means having to continuously perform to maintain the high standard. Students are known to skip school, break down, or even commit suicide due to the pressures of education.

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As an alternative, parents may choose homeschooling for their children. Some cited reasons for homeschooling (Koobits website)49 include: children with special needs; incompetent teachers; undesirable students; preferred personal education; and imparting stronger religious values. This is where parents with adequate qualifications do the teaching themselves with permission and funds obtained from governmental authorities. With home school, children get to meet others in the same situation once or twice weekly for socialisation. Children do enjoy this type of schooling until secondary years, after which they join the mainstream schools for higher education. Homeschooling is, however, not popular in Singapore. Stressed children have increased anxiety levels (leading eventually to depression, fatigue, and worry), low self-esteem and poor social competence. These three issues are discussed briefly below using research done on authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive parenting styles, as small-family parenting is new and rarely investigated.

ANXIETY Although anxiety in adolescents may be triggered in various ways (e.g., school stress or peer pressure), its onset and sensitivity are mainly influenced by parenting styles.50 For example, higher levels of parental control will lead to higher occurrences of anxiety in children,51 and parents being protective yet demanding of their children will trigger higher levels of anxiety sensitivity. This is especially true with Asian adolescents, who internalise their anxiety symptoms, that is, they are felt at a deeper level.

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Authoritative parenting lowers anxiety levels in children, adolescents and young adults, whereas authoritarian parenting increases their anxiety levels.52 For example, a study by Silva, Dorso, Azhar and Renk53 found that authoritative fathers brought about a decrease in anxiety in college students, whereas authoritarian mothers brought about increased anxiety levels.

SELF - ESTEEM Research has shown that authoritarian parenting leads generally to lower self-esteem levels in children, whereas authoritative parenting helps children develop their self-esteem.54 For example, a study of 400 Turkish adolescent students found that increased parental control lowered their self-esteem levels.55 Milevsky, Schlecter, Netter and Keehn56 studied 272 teenage students in the United States and found that authoritative parenting led to the highest levels of self-esteem compared to the authoritarian and permissive parenting styles. Maternal authoritative parenting was the most effective, whereas the paternal authoritarian style led to depression for the teenagers. Authoritarian parenting does not implicate Asian adolescents the same way it would in the West; generally, a trend of healthy self-esteem levels are seen.57 For example, a study conducted on nursing students in Thailand found that when parents adopted authoritarian parenting, emotional support was still available to children, nurturing self-esteem.58 A study by Rudy and Grusec59 compared mothers and children ages 7–12 in Western Europe, compared to more collectivistic cultures in Egypt, India, Iran and Pakistan. The mothers of the latter group

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using authoritarian parenting did not lower the self-esteem of their children. Ang and Goh60 found that in Singapore a majority of adolescents showed normal self-esteem levels under authoritarian parenting. However, a recent study by Natalie Low Shi Min61 on 158 Singaporean students between the ages of 18 and 25 found that authoritative parenting was positively correlated with self-esteem, whereas authoritarian parenting was negatively correlated with self-esteem. Nguyen and Cheung62 found that if Vietnamese-American adolescents perceived their parents’ parenting style as negative—that is, authoritarian— they would have lower self-esteem and would likely report depressive symptoms.

SOCIAL COMPETENCE The authoritative parenting style has been found to lead to higher social competence among adolescents as compared to the authoritarian parenting style, which results in poorer social competence.63 A study conducted by Padilla-Walker, Carlo, Christensen and Yorgason64 on 319 two-parent families in America confirmed this. Cook, Buehler and Fletcher65 found that authoritative parenting caused higher friendship and social competence in children, which translated into better abilities to make friends and maintain relationships in adolescence. A study conducted by Ang66 comparing Chinese and Malays in Singapore found that adolescents who perceived their parents as authoritative displayed higher levels of social competence as compared to those who felt their parents were authoritarian.

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Culture-specifically, another negative health factor is whether the present generation of young adults would make filial children. Fulfilling the role of filial piety means that the children should sacrifice their personal interests unselfishly to those of their parents and family; in doing so, they become more closely bound to their parents. Filial children bear the burden of social and personal pressure, which in turn brings on anxiety about whether their behaviours violate the precepts of filial piety. Filial piety has been criticised by those who are influenced by the individualistic ideas of Western culture, arguing that the requirements of filial piety hamper the individual’s independence, suppress creativity, and eliminate personal desire and interest. Thus, modern Chinese Singaporeans may feel conflicted to be either filial according to tradition, or be self-motivated and independent individuals. This ambivalence may produce emotional disturbances in would-be filial children. The final negative health factor is the uncertain future of fulfilling one’s duties as children of small-family parents. While it is comforting to learn that one’s parents have planned for one’s education, say, to be a doctor, and the future of such a position is psychosocially strong, it can be disheartening to learn that one cannot pursue one’s choice of interest — say, to be a full-time musician. This is again stressful. And to become a personality one does not really desire, though admired by others, is also distressing. It is distressing when one looks back many years later to say to oneself, “I could have been a famous singer”. Distress will lead to grief, which is detrimental to one’s health.

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The more worrying part is not knowing if one can fulfil one’s parents’ expectations: starting with having to do well in school, to repaying parental effort in one’s upbringing, and, for some cultures, to fulfil the role of filial piety. Doing well in school is manageable if one has the aptitude for studying, but the competition from other students may deny one from achieving that. Repaying parental effort may be in terms of finance, or by being a decent person holding a reputable job. Practicing filial piety is the most difficult aspect to achieve because it entails permanent respect and care for one’s parents till death. All it takes is a change of mind or an expression of a personal preference by a child to alter the filial relationship. Here is something for all parents to consider: When angry, people look at goals. When sad, people look at outcomes. When happy, they see the whole story.

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WHAT ARE THE IMPLICATIONS FOR SMALL- FAMILY CHILDREN?

The previous discussion has outlined the advantages and disadvantages of small-family parenting and the mental health issues involved. Below are the implications for the children of the small-family parenting style. I am not surprised to find teachers, managers, instructors, bosses, professionals, and almost everyone else of the past generation asking, what is happening? Why is the present generation of children behaving so differently from us? To answer this question, let us examine in turn the home, the school, the workplace and society as a whole.

THE HOME The following should be obvious to small-family parents, but it isn’t always. For simplicity, I am describing the upbringing of children in small families in phases. From babies to toddlers, it is all about fussing over them

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— caring, protecting, feeding, checking, and providing. So much is done for the children by parents and significant others, taking turns or together. If it is a single child, full attention comes from every adult carer. What’s the result? The child is in control! The child plays the carers (often the parents) around according to who satisfies its wishes best. Small-family parents call this parental love — lots of toys and stuff for the child. The child gets what he or she wants and seldom receives “no” for an answer. How would this child accept another child into the family competing for parental attention — the beginning of sibling rivalry! Bonding is strong, but unhealthily so. Consequently, children become dependent, always being served, not sociable with others, not sharing, taking things for granted, used to getting their own way. When these children attend school, education takes priority. Interestingly, small-family parents lament the indolence and indifference of their children. They sigh and make comments like, “If only he or she could put away the dishes after meals”, or “Always leaving his or her stuff on the floor”. An easy solution: get a maid! The result: the children are worse off. This goes on till the children pass puberty, on to teenage and young adulthood. For example, take a family with three children: the first two, a son and a daughter, in their twenties, are working and each earning a reasonable income. But neither is contributing to the family expenses. Why? Because the parents still want to maintain them. It’s been a habit for so long. The third daughter has to sleep in the parents’ bedroom because the other two young adults have a bedroom each. And amazingly, the older two children have no desire to leave home to be independent adults. Parents happily

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accept this situation because they have not taught their children independence, self-discipline and personal responsibility. What to do? Small-family parents should apply negotiation parenting from day one.

THE SCHOOL For educational institutions, from childcare or nursery to primary school, secondary school, junior college or polytechnic, and even to university, principals and teachers alike are puzzled by the behaviours, thoughts and feelings of school children under their care. These children need constant guidance, spoon-feeding if possible, and lots of help, not only showing them how to do things but also doing tasks for them. You will hear feedback or complaints from these children like: “I was not taught this, how can it be tested?” “She expects me to read this on my own after school, but I have so much to do already.” “I have to search for more materials on the topic, but where to do it? She just says, go to the library.” On top of all the complaints, you will find parents accompanying their children to school during selection, opening days, attending parent-teacher meetings, and of course upon graduation. Occasionally, parents turn up in school to inquire the progress of their children, if academic progress is not indicated on periodic report cards. Or the parents want to intentionally check on the progress of their child because he or she has not been responding to requests about school. These parents will surreptitiously visit the school and consult the respective teacher on the matter.

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What should one do? Teach children to be self-disciplined and resilient through problem-solving and decision-making. Hold more parent-teacher meetings to iron out how both can help to better manage the children.

THE WORKPLACE As mentioned in my article on filial parenting,67 in the workplace, managers have to put up with employees who prefer a comfortable environment, who want to work less for more, will job-hop if their desires are not met, etc. For example, only 150 people attended a job fair held at Suntec City, which offered over a thousand retail, food and beverage positions (Straits Times, 10 May 2013, p. A8).68 Why? Because these positions were considered “non-glamorous” occupations! In another instance, a graduating intern gave up his job because he found having to clear up a workshop and help wash dishes demeaning (The New Paper, 13 May 2013, p. 6).69 How do small-family parents react to their children’s experience in a working environment? “Job too tough, drop it and get another.” “No air-conditioning in the office, ask the boss for one.” “Stay home in the meantime, no hurry to get a job, we’ll look after you.” If small-family parents think and talk like this, what can you expect from their children? It is no wonder children from wealthy families lack the motivation to work for a living. And the solution? Get foreign people who are willing to do jobs locals do not like. Adjust the workplace to suit locals — but this means lots of social changes and expenditure!

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SOCIETY On a larger scale, policy-makers have to put up with frequent demands and expectations of the workforce. The list includes provision of affordable housing; affordable healthcare; providing comfortable jobs; good private and public transportation systems; good education; good childcare; a selection of shopping centres for foods and amenities; affordable outdoor and leisure activities. It is tantamount to a “look after me because I am here” attitude. What is to be done? Set up government bodies to study these requests and make adjustments accordingly. Get foreign talent, workers and labour to help out. On the other hand, embark on educational policies that teach people to be caring, sharing, and more socially minded. Section Three: References 1, 2. Firdaus, N. J., Dadlani, E., Heng, E. M., & Krishnamurthy, D. (2014). Filial Parenting Questionnaire (FPQ): A parenting questionnaire for Asians. (Unpublished fourth-year thesis). James Cook University, Singapore. 3. Eu, S. E. (2014). The Influence of filial parenting on learning autonomy in Singaporean youths. (Unpublished fourth-year thesis). James Cook University, Singapore. 4. Firdaus, N. J., Dadlani, E., Heng, E. M., & Krishnamurthy, D. (2014). Filial Parenting Questionnaire (FPQ): A parenting questionnaire for Asians. (Unpublished fourth-year thesis). James Cook University, Singapore. 5. Zhang, J. & Bond, M. H. (1998). “Personality and filial piety among college students in two Chinese societies: The added value of indigenous constructs.” Journal of CrossCultural Psychology, 29, 402-417.doi: 10.1177/0022022198293002 6. Yeh, K. H. (1997). “Changes in the Taiwanese people’s concept of filial piety.” In L. Y. Cheng, Y. H. Lu, & F. C. Wang (Eds.), Taiwanese Society in the 1990s, (pp. 171–214). Institute of Sociology, Academia, Sinica, Taipei (in Chinese). Yeh, K. H. (2003). “The beneficial and harmful effects of filial piety: An integrative analysis.” In K. S. Yang, K. K. Hwang, P. B. Pederson & I. Daibo (Eds), Asian Social Psychology: Conceptual and Empirical Contributions (pp. 67–82). Greenwood Publishing Group, Inc., Connecticut. 7. Wong, V. & Chiu, S. (2005). “Towards a Confucian notion of youth development in Hong Kong.” The International Journal of Sociology and Social Policy, 25(10-11), 14-36. 8. Firdaus, N. J., Dadlani, E., Heng, E. M., & Krishnamurthy, D. (2014). Filial Parenting Questionnaire (FPQ): A parenting questionnaire for Asians. (Unpublished fourth-year thesis). James Cook University, Singapore.

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9, 10. McAdams, D. P. (2009). The person: An introduction to the science of personality psychology (5th ed.). USA: John Wiley & Sons. 11. Yeo, L. Y. G. (2014). Always daddy’s girl: Father-daughter relationship and daughter’s dating, An interpretative phenomenological analysis. (Unpublished fourth-year honours thesis). James Cook University, Singapore. 12. Bartholomew, K. (1990). “Avoidance of intimacy: An attachment perspective.” Journal of Social and Personal relationships, 7(2), 147-178. 13. Straits Times. (2014, October 25) “Parents spend big bucks on their bright sparks.” Straits Times, p. A6. 14. Hyam, T; Best, S., Capon, A., Marshall, J., & Roy, S. (Dec 1997/Jan 1998). “Singapore.” Global Investor, 108, 46. 15. Christopher, A. N. & Schlenker, B. R. (2000). “The impact of perceived material wealth and perceiver personality on first impressions.” Journal of Economic Psychology, 21, 1-19. 16. Nam, I., Klemz, B. R., Boshoff, C., & Mazibuko, N. E. (2009). “Retail perception differences in two collectivist cultures: Kiasu versus ubuntu.” Journal of Applied Business & Economics, 10(1), 1-16. 17. Hwang, A., Ang, S., & Francesco, A. M. (2002). “The silent Chinese: The influence of face and Kiasuism on student feedback-seeking behaviors.” Journal of Management Education, 26(1), 70-98. 18. Bing, M. N. (1999). “Hypercompetitiveness in academia: Achieving criterion-related validity from item context specificity.” Journal of Personality Assessment, 73(1), 80-99. 19. Hwang, A., Ang, S., & Francesco, A. M. (2002). “The silent Chinese: The influence of face and Kiasuism on student feedback-seeking behaviors.” Journal of Management Education, 26(1), 70-98. 20. Chua, C. C. (1989, June 23). “Kiasuism is not all bad.” The Straits Times, p. 14. Ho, J. T., Ang, C. E., Loh, J., & Ng, I. (1998). “A preliminary study of behaviour — is it unique to Singapore?” Journal of Managerial Psychology, 13(5/6), 359-370. 21. Yap, R. Y. (2014). Effects of kiasuism, maximisation and achievement-oriented Asian values on sensitivity to social comparison in an anagram-solving task. (Unpublished fourth-year honours thesis). James Cook University, Singapore. 22. Cunha, D. D. (2002). (Ed.) Singapore in the new millennium: Challenges facing the citystate. Singapore: Institute of Southeast Asian Studies. 23, 24. Foo, K. H. (2014, July). “Filial parenting is not working!” In Mandal (Ed.), Proceedings of the International Conference on Managing the Asian Century: ICMAC 2013 (pp. 343351). Singapore: Springer. doi: 10.1007/978-981-4560-61-0 25. Firdaus, N. J., Dadlani, E., Heng, E. M., & Krishnamurthy, D. (2014). Filial Parenting Questionnaire (FPQ): A parenting questionnaire for Asians. (Unpublished fourth-year thesis). James Cook University, Singapore. 26. Eu, S. E. (2014). The Influence of filial parenting on learning autonomy in Singaporean youths. (Unpublished fourth-year thesis). James Cook University, Singapore. 27. Zhang, Y-T., & Goza, F. W. (2006). “Who will care for the elderly in China?: A review of the problems caused by China’s one-child policy and their potential solutions.” Journal of Aging Studies, 20(2), 151-164. 28. New Zealand’s Weekend Herald. (2013, January 19). “Little emperors’ fulfil stereotype.” New Zealand’s Weekend Herald. Retrieved from http://www.nzherald. co.nz/world/news/article.cfm?c_id=2&objectid=10860157 29, 30. Tan, C. H. (1989). “Confucianism and nation building in Singapore.” International Journal of Social Economics 16, 5-15.

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Foo, K. H. (2014, July). “Filial parenting is not working!” In Mandal (Ed.), Proceedings of the International Conference on Managing the Asian Century: ICMAC 2013 (pp. 343351). Singapore: Springer. doi: 10.1007/978-981-4560-61-0 32. Willet, A. (August 20, 2013). “15 tycoons who won’t leave their fortunes to their kids.” Business Insider. Retrieved on March 26, 2014 from http://www.businessinsider.com/ tycoons-not-leaving-money-to-their-kids-2013-8?IR=T&op=1 33. Leman, K. (2009). The birth order book: Why you are the way you are. USA: Revell. 34, 35. Peterson, C., & Seligman, M. E. P. (2004). Character strengths and virtues: A handbook and classification. Oxford: Oxford University Press. 36. Lee, N. T. J. (2012). Strengths of character, orientations to happiness, life satisfaction and purpose in Singapore. (Unpublished doctoral thesis). James Cook University, Singapore. 37. Huynh, N. H. C. (2014). Character strengths, life satisfaction and orientation to happiness among young adults in Singapore. (Unpublished fourth-year thesis). James Cook University, Singapore. 38. Clonan, S. M., Chafouleas, S. M., McDougal, J. L., & Riley-Tillman, T. C. (2004). “Positive psychology goes to school: Are we there yet?” Psychology in the Schools, 41(1), 101–110. 39. McAdams, D. P. (2009). The person: An introduction to the science of personality psychology (5th ed.). USA: John Wiley & Sons. 40. Gazzaniga, M. S., Ivry, R. B., & Mangun, G. R. (2013). Cognitive Neuroscience: The Biology of the Mind (4th ed.). New York: W. W. Norton & Company. 41. Cross, M. (2011). I wish I hadn’t eaten that: Simple dietary solutions for the 20 most common health problems. UK: Hay House. Sutherland, C. M. (2001). The Body Knows: How to tune in to your body and improve your health. USA: Hay House, Inc. 42. Maccoby, E. E. (2000). “Parenting and its effects on children: On reading and misreading behaviour genetics”. Annual Review of Psychology, 51, 1-27.doi: 10.1146/ annurev.psych.51.1.1 43. Foo, K. H. (2014, July). “Filial parenting is not working!” In Mandal (Ed.), Proceedings of the International Conference on Managing the Asian Century: ICMAC 2013 (pp. 343351). Singapore: Springer. doi: 10.1007/978-981-4560-61-0 44. Damani, S. (2014). Parenting styles and psychosocial outcomes: A cultural perspective. (Unpublished fourth-year thesis). James Cook University, Singapore. Tan, C. H. (1989). “Confucianism and nation building in Singapore.” International Journal of Social Economics 16, 5-15. 45. Moss, S. (2012). “Natural Childhood.” UK: Park Lane Press. Retrieved Jan 31, 2013 from http://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/servlet/file/store5/item823323/version1/ NaturalChildhood Brochure.pdf 46. Asher, M. G. (2002). “Pension reform in an affluent and rapidly ageing society: The Singapore case.” Hitotsubashi Journal of Economics, 43(2), 105. 47. Bullough, J. D. (2000). “The blue-light hazard: A review.” Journal of the Illuminating Engineering Society, 29(2), 6-14. 48. Barlow, D. H., & Durand, V. M. (2012). Abnormal Psychology: An Integrative Approach (6th ed.). New York: Wadsworth/Thomson. 49. Koobits website (2013). For homeschooling in Singapore, readers may visit:http://www. koobits.com/2012/10/16/whys-and-hows-of-homeschooling-in-singapore 50. Erozkan, A. (2012). “Examination of relationship between anxiety sensitivity and parenting styles in adolescents.” Kuram Ve Uygulamada Egitim Bilimleri, 12(1), 52-57. 51. Wood, J. J., McLeod, B. D., Sigman, M., Hwang, W., & Chu, B. C. (2003). “Parenting and childhood anxiety: Theory, empirical findings, and future directions.” Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, and Allied Disciplines, 44(1), 134-151. doi:10.1111/1469-7610.00106

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52. 53. 54. 55. 56.

57. 58.

59. 60. 61. 62. 63. 64.

65. 66. 67. 68. 69.

Damani, S. (2014). Parenting styles and psychosocial outcomes: A cultural perspective. (Unpublished fourth-year thesis). James Cook University, Singapore. Silva, M., Dorso, E., Azhar, A., & Renk, K. (2008). “The relationship among parenting styles experienced during childhood, anxiety, motivation and academic success in college students.” Journal of College Student Retention: Research, Theory & Practice, 9(2), 149. Damani, S. (2014). Parenting styles and psychosocial outcomes: A cultural perspective. (Unpublished fourth-year thesis). James Cook University, Singapore. Aslan, S. (2011). “The analysis of relationship between school bullying, perceived parenting styles and self-esteem in adolescents.” Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences, 30, 17981800. doi:10.1016/j.sbspro.2011.10.346 Milevsky, A., Schlechter, M., Netter, S., & Keehn, D. (2007). “Maternal and paternal parenting styles in adolescents: Associations with self-esteem, depression and lifesatisfaction.” Journal of Child and Family Studies, 16(1), 39-47. doi: 10.1007/s10826-0069066-5 Damani, S. (2014). Parenting styles and psychosocial outcomes: A cultural perspective. (Unpublished fourth-year thesis). James Cook University, Singapore. Ross, R., Zeller, R., Srisaeng, P., Yimmee, S., Sawatphanit , W., & Somchid, S. (2006). “Self-esteem, parent-child interaction, emotional support, and self-perception among Thai undergraduate nursing students.” International Journal of Nursing Education Scholarship, 3(1), 21-18. doi: 10.2202/1548-923X.1245 Rudy, D., & Grusec, J. E. (2006). “Authoritarian parenting in individualist and collectivist groups: Associations with maternal emotion and cognition and children’s self-esteem.” Journal of Family Psychology, 20(1), 68-78. doi:10.1037/0893- 3200.20.1.68 Ang, R. P., & Goh, D. H. (2006). “Authoritarian parenting style in Asian societies: A cluster- analytic investigation.” Contemporary Family Therapy, 28(1), 131-151. doi: 10.1007/s10591-006-9699-y Low, S. M. N. (2014). Examining parenting styles, self esteem and delinquency in the Singaporean context. (Unpublished fourth-year thesis). James Cook University, Singapore. Nguyen, P. V., & Cheung, M. (2009). “Parenting styles as perceived by Vietnamese American adolescents.” Child and Adolescent Social Work Journal, 26(6), 505-518. doi:10.1007/s10560-009-0182-0 Damani, S. (2014). Parenting styles and psychosocial outcomes: A cultural perspective. (Unpublished fourth-year thesis). James Cook University, Singapore. Padilla-Walker, L. M., Carlo, G., Christensen, K. J., & Yorgason, J. B. (2012). “Bidirectional relations between authoritative parenting and adolescents’ prosocial behaviors.” Journal of Research on Adolescence, 22(3), 400-408. doi: 10.1111/j.15327795.2012.00807.x Cook, E. C., Buehler, C., & Fletcher, A. C. (2012). “A process model of parenting and adolescents’ friendship competence.” Social Development, 21(3), 461-481. doi: 10.1111/j.1467-9507.2011.00642.x Ang, R. P. (2006). “Effects of parenting style on personal and social variables for Asian adolescents.” American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 76(4), 503-511. doi: 10.1037/00029432.76.4.503 Foo, K. H. (2014, July). “Filial parenting is not working!” In Mandal (Ed.), Proceedings of the International Conference on Managing the Asian Century: ICMAC 2013 (pp. 343-351). Singapore: Springer. doi: 10.1007/978-981-4560-61-0 Straits Times. (2013, May 10) “Suntec job fair sees low turnout.” Straits Times, p. A8. The New Paper. (2013, May 13). “Surveys, HR practitioners say Gen Y job seekers are asking for more.” The New Paper, p. 6.

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CONCLUSION

This book has outlined in detail the proposed negotiation parenting style in comparison with existing recognised parenting styles. To reiterate, negotiation parenting means making choice decisions that nurture children through principled negotiation, informed choices and modern parenting strategies. It emphasises developing an independent life, culture, faith and family. Major parenting styles have been examined and compared to show readers what their parents have done for them, and where they stand today as parents or parents to be. This raises the important question of whether they would want to stick with the existing parenting style or opt for a change for the better. In small-family parenting — a new version of parenting for families of between one and three children — the advantages and disadvantages of this parenting style as well as the mental health of parents and children as a result of small-family parenting

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is described, discussed and highlighted, together with the implications for people managers. Throughout, filial parenting is referenced to illustrate smallfamily parenting in a culture-specific way. Again, though Chinese parents practise it most, other cultures in Asia are not doing parenting differently. Here are some final tips on parenting: • Children are born to contribute to the world; don’t deny them the chance to do this. Start in the home. • Children are born with different temperaments; don’t compare them. Treat each accordingly. • Discipline is a teaching process about being thoughtful, compassionate and responsible. Self-discipline and resilience provide strength and protection. • Make a difference in the lives of your children. Be models for them. • Focus on your children’s strengths, not their problems or weaknesses. • Sacrifice short-term pleasure for long-term gain. • If you change your approach, children need not follow immediately. They need time to adjust to your new script. Be patient! This may take weeks, months or years! Have a nice life journey with your children!

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Dr. Foo Koong Hean lectures on psychology at James Cook University, Singapore Campus. He is also a consultant psychologist at The School of Positive Psychology, Singapore. He holds a BSc in Psychology from Brandon University, Manitoba, Canada, with a double major in Political Science and a minor in Philosophy. He also holds an MA in Psychology from Northern Arizona University, USA; and a Post-graduate Diploma in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and a PhD in Psychology from Massey University, New Zealand. He has extensive experience in teaching psychology, and practising psychotherapy, particularly Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), with individuals and groups. He has run a childcare centre in Singapore with his wife for nearly 10 years. He has been a psychologist for over 25 years. He has applied psychology during his years of service with the Singapore Armed Forces. He has taught psychology at institutions locally

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(Nanyang Polytechnic, Raffles Education, The School of Positive Psychology, James Cook University) and overseas (Massey University, New Zealand). He has practised psychotherapy freelance and online (Clairemire.sg), at local institutions (Mount Elizabeth Hospital, Sunlove Home) and overseas (Asian Health Support Group, North Shore Hospital, New Zealand). He is an advocate for intercultural psychology, that is, applying Western psychological theories, principles and concepts to Eastern cultures. He has attended numerous overseas talks and conferences pursuing this interest. His research and publications have focused on parenting styles and practices, child-parent relationships, Chinese attitudes and behaviours, cognitive behaviour therapy, positive psychology and intercultural psychology. He aims to develop a cultural psychology for Singapore and compile portraits of Singaporeans by ethnicity. He is on the Editorial Board of the Journal of Tropical Psychology, Cambridge University Press; and in the Public Education Team of the Singapore Psychological Society. He is a member of: Singapore Register of Psychologists Singapore Psychological Society New Zealand Psychological Society European Network of Positive Psychology For feedback on the book, please contact the author at: Email: [email protected] or [email protected]

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