Natalija: Life in the Balkan Powder Keg, 1880-1956 9786155053153

Citation preview

Introduction

Natalija

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Natalija Life in the Balkan Powder Keg, 1880 -1956 Edited by

Jill A. Irvine and Carol S. Lilly

Central European University Press Budapest – New York

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Introduction © 2008, Jill A. Irvine and Carol S. Lilly English translation © Janja Pavetić-Dickey, 2008 Published in 2008 by Central European University Press An imprint of the Central European University Share Company Nádor utca 11, H-1051 Budapest, Hungary Tel: +36-1-327-3138 or 327-3000 Fax: +36-1-327-3183 E-mail: [email protected] Website: www.ceupress.com 400 West 59th Street, New York NY 10019, USA Tel: +1-212-547-6932 Fax: +1-646-557-2416 E-mail: [email protected] Translated by Janja Pavetić-Dickey All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmi�ed, in any form or by any means, without the permission of the Publisher. ISBN 978-963-9776-23-4 cloth Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Matic Zrnic, Natalija, 1880-1956. Natalija : life in the Balkan powder keg, 1880-1956 / edited by Jill A. Irvine and Carol S. Lilly. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-9639776234 (cloth : alk. paper) 1. Matic Zrnic, Natalija, 1880-1956--Diaries. 2. Women--Yugoslavia--Diaries. 3. Yugoslavia--Biography. I. Irvine, Jill A. II. Lilly, Carol S., 1959- III. Title. CT1458.M398A3 2009 920.7209497--dc22 2008037564

Printed in Hungary by Akadémia Nyomda, Martonvásár IV

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For my dear �iend and colleague, who kept me going, and in loving memory of my father, �omas F. Irvine, Jr., Jill

For my father, Douglas K. Lilly, who has served always as my intellectual inspiration, and without whom, quite literally, this book would not exist, Carol

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Contents

Maps | ix Preface | xv Introduction | 1 Part I. Years of Hope, 1880–1911 | 23 Chapter 1. Childhood | 25 Chapter 2. Learning Motherhood | 55 Chapter 3. Life and Politics in Small-Town Serbia | 87 Chapter 4. �e Family Moves South | 123 Chapter 5. �e Balkan Wars | 143 Part II. Years of War, 1914–1924 | 187 Chapter 6. �e War Begins: July 1914 to October 1915 | 189 Chapter 7. Refugees: October 1915 to January 1916, Prokuplje | 209 Chapter 8. Life Under Occupation: 1916 | 227 Chapter 9. Resistance: 1917 | 261 Chapter 10. Endings: 1918 | 293 Chapter 11. Beginnings: 1919 | 359 Part III. Years of Disappointment, 1924–1956 | 377 Chapter 12. A New Country, A New Life: 1924–1927 | 379 Chapter 13. Europe in Decline: 1932–1939 | 397 Chapter 14. War Again: 1939–1945 | 423 Chapter 15. Twilight | 455 Appendix: Natalija Matić-Zrnić and Her Family | 481 Glossary | 484 Bibliography | 489 Map Credits | 494

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Map 1. Serbia in 1881

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Map 2. Natalija’s Journey through Serbia

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Map 3. Serbia during the First World War

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Map 4. Interwar Yugoslavia

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Map 5. Yugoslavia during the Second World War

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Map 6. Yugoslavia, 1945–1991

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Preface

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lthough neither of us can claim any Slavic heritage, the genesis of this book nonetheless begins with our own families. Jill Irvine spent a period of her youth in Yugoslavia, speci�cally in Belgrade, where her father was collaborating with East Bloc scientists. �ose early experiences not only led to her later career as a scholar of the region, but also gave her an abiding connection to the culture and family life of Serbia. Carol Lilly took up the study of Yugoslavia later in life, but her fascination with the region grew quickly a�er she spent a year there in 1987. We �rst met as graduate students—Jill was at Harvard studying political science, Carol at Yale studying history. Over the years we began to collaborate on a number of projects, most o�en relating to the role of women in contemporary Balkan politics. Increasingly, however, and especially as the wars of the 1990s overwhelmed all other topics, we began to talk about how we might convey the history of that region in a different way, perhaps through �ction, or perhaps by telling the story of several generations of a family. We began looking for a suitable family to interview for just such a project. �en serendipity intervened. Carol’s father had a colleague at the University of Oklahoma from Serbia—an Engineering professor, Dr. Dušan Zrnić. In 2003, Dušan sent him a book to give to Carol along with a brief note, “just thought you might be interested in this.” It was the diary of Dušan’s grandmother, recently published in Serbian. A bit daunted—the book was large (nearly 500 pages) and in Cyrillic—Carol began the social chore of reading it. Almost from the �rst page, she was hooked. She had never before imagined that she could consider a Serbian Cyrillic book “bedtime reading,” but soon found herself unable to put it down. She �nished the entire opus in record time, laughing, weeping, and tormenting her family with stories from the life of this amazing woman, XV

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Natalija, who lived through both world wars, bore six children and lost two husbands, slaughtered her own hogs, avidly discussed politics and religion, �ercely proclaimed her Serbian identity, and recorded it all with incredible immediacy. �is was the book they had been looking for. She called Jill, and the project was on its way. Very quickly we agreed that our goal was to prepare the diary for use both as a primary source for teachers of European, East European, Balkan, and Women’s Studies and for the general reading public. Our �rst task was to have the book professionally translated. �at job was admirably accomplished by Janja Pavetić-Dickey, a Serb American who has worked for the International Court of Justice at �e Hague and is currently living in Kansas. She did a superb job in record time and we owe her an enormous debt of gratitude. Beyond simple translation, however, we knew that the diary would require editing, abridgement, and annotation. Natalija’s numerous writings take the form of memoirs, le�ers, a travelogue, but mostly a diary wri�en from the time she was twenty-four, immediately a�er the birth of her �rst child, until she was seventy-four, two years before her death. For purposes of this volume, we have divided her writings into three main parts, entitled, “Years of Hope,” “Years of War,” and “Years of Disappointment.” Part I opens with an account of the years before Natalija began keeping her diary—a memoir of her childhood, wri�en in 1941 in occupied Belgrade, when she was 61 years old. With chapters two through �ve, the actual diary begins, covering the early years of her marriage when she gave birth to her �rst four children, from 1904 to 1914. Largely preoccupied with domestic ma�ers, she describes her children’s health and development, family trips, and her own struggles to become a good housewife and mother. Nonetheless, as an educated, passionate woman, she was also always interested in political affairs; she eagerly follows and in her diary comments on the continuing construction of the new Serbian state, as well as Serbia’s involvement in the two Balkan Wars of 1912–13. Part II of the diary, consisting of six chapters, follows the fate of Natalija and her family during the First World War. In this long and intense section, Natalija writes mainly about the realities of invasion and Bulgarian occupation and her entries necessarily revolve around fears for her family and nation as well as the daily struggle for survival. Finally, Part III, from 1924 to 1954, follows Natalija’s life through the interwar years, the Second World War, and the postwar Communist era up almost to her death in 1956. �is section is much shorter, consisting of only four chapters, and is interesting as much for what it leaves out XVI

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as for what it includes. For example, her efforts to hide the Jewish �ancé of her youngest daughter, Milica, during the German occupation of Belgrade, are never explicitly discussed, almost certainly out of fear that her diary might be discovered and the family suffer reprisals. When considering Natalija’s diary for publication, we had li�le doubt that it would appeal to students. Her descriptions of the people, places, and events taking place around her show an extraordinary power of observation and expression. Natalija’s observations of her family, community, and nation reveal her keen sense of the important changes taking place behind the obvious political upheavals and the effect they had on the ordinary people who experienced them. Her sense of character is acute, and she masterfully describes the foibles as well as strengths of the people, great and insigni�cant, who �ll her world. For these reasons, Natalija’s diary is, for the most part, an easy read. She wrote not only about her daily activities and political views, but about her hopes, fears, dreams, and loves; through her descriptions, the reader comes to know her and her family members and to care about their fates. Despite Natalija’s romanticism and rich emotional life, it must be said that the complete diary also included much of the tedium of daily life. In the early years of motherhood, in particular, she described in detail every childhood illness that she encountered and overcame, as well as nearly every trauma of parenting. We admit, with some regret, that we have deleted many of those entries, not because they do not tell us something (of course they do), but due to limitations of space, and because we recognize the natural inability of most readers (ourselves included) to absorb so large a quantity of such material. Among other minor editorial changes, we have eliminated many unnecessary names, replacing them with generic descriptors, and reduced to one each the very large number of nicknames that Natalija used for her children and other relatives. We have also tried on �rst usage to de�ne and describe all unfamiliar terms and holidays in a footnote; many of these can also be found in an alphabetized glossary. Any scholar interested in reading the full unedited and uncut version of her diary in Serbian may �nd it at Yale University Library. Natalija’s family also played a crucial role in the production of this volume. Most important was the initial and impressive work performed by Natalija’s granddaughter Olga Ošmjanski, who transformed Natalija’s original handwritten diaries into the Serbian diary published in 2003 under the title, Natalija: Dnevnički zapisi Natalije Matić Zrnić (1880–1956). Having seen the tight and o�en nearly illegible Cyrillic script wri�en in pen or pencil on tiny notebooks XVII

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or even just scraps of paper—whatever she had available at the time—we are all too cognizant that our project could never have come to fruition without those initial heroic efforts. It was Olga, too, who �lled in the many gaps in Natalija’s diary with collective memories, le�ers, or writings from other family members. We have relied heavily on her work and credit her here and elsewhere for her valiant endeavor. We must express here also our extraordinary gratitude to all Natalija’s extant grandchildren (Olga Ošmjanski, Dušan Zrnić, Jovanka Zrnić, Mirko Ošmjanski, Djorde Zrnić, and Zoran Papo), the heirs to her diary, who generously granted us the right to publish it in English with no conditions, trusting in our scholarly quali�cations and integrity. �ey further aided us by providing any additional information or materials we sought, in a timely fashion. Perhaps most important, they made us feel welcome in their lives and in that of their grandmother. In June of 2006, we made a research trip to Serbia to interview family members and visit those regions and towns where Natalija and her family had lived and worked. �e family was extremely gracious—various members accompanied us to the family gravesite, to Arandjelovac, where Natalija was born, and to Vranje, where she and her family survived the First World War under Bulgarian occupation. Family members spoke to us at length and with great warmth about their grandmother, her strengths, weaknesses, peculiarities, and her death. �ey shared their family photos, told us about their own parents—Natalija’s children—and, with disarming honesty, shared family scandals and heartaches, all in an effort to help us, as historians, write a story that could, as nearly as possible, approach “the truth.” In addition to Natalija’s family, we owe thanks to Linda Kunos and the Central European University Press. Ms. Kunos has provided unfailing support and encouragement throughout this project; it has been a delight to work with her and the Central European University Press. We are extremely grateful for the research support provided by the Institute of Contemporary History in Belgrade, Serbia, and its Director, Dr. Momčilo Pavlović, as well as our able research assistant there, Ivana Pantelić. �anks go also to our American research assistants, Jennifer Cox and Andrew Halterman, for, in addition to their overall research and editorial efforts, Jen’s boundless enthusiasm for investigating obscure nineteenth-century medical cures and Andy’s skillful production of maps and photos. Susan Meigs provided �rst-rate editorial guidance and helped to bring this project to a swi� conclusion. We are grateful for the �nancial support we received for this project from the University of Nebraska at Kearney, the University of Oklahoma, and the International Research and Exchanges Board. XVIII

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Finally, as we interviewed family members about Natalija, we found that nearly all of them interwove stories about Natalija’s life with re�ections of the most recent con�ict in the Balkans. Indeed, a repeating theme in all our conversations with family members was the effort to explain, understand, protest, and digest Serbia’s role in the disintegration of the Yugoslav state and the resulting wars. Although Natalija’s diary is very much about history, this was, in some ways, exactly the outcome we had been looking for when we �rst thought about a “family project,” and it has indeed provided us with a new way of telling the story of the current crisis. We certainly don’t claim with this diary to have explained the Balkan Wars of the 1990s. Yet, the insights Natalija provides are clearly relevant to the current era and will help both students and the general reader to understand contemporary tensions in the Balkans. We hope, in any case, that you will enjoy reading Natalija’s insights and observations about life in the Balkans during this crucial period of history as much as we have delighted in helping the voice of this remarkable and endearing woman to be heard.

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his life story of a Serbian woman, preserved in memoirs, le�ers, and mostly diaries over a period of more than 70 years, recounts the triumphs and tragedies of a life that takes place against the backdrop of extraordinary turbulence in the Balkans. Natalija’s diary is impressive in its scope; it covers more than half a century, �ve wars (including the two world wars), four ideologies, and numerous governments, all told from the perspective of a remarkable, well-educated middle-class woman, mother of six, twice widowed, but never cowed. �is is a time of excitement in Serbia as its leaders carve an independent state out of the O�oman Empire and a�empt to modernize a largely rural and “backward” corner of Europe. It is a time of opportunity for many, like Natalija’s husband Jova, who joins the effort to build the infrastructure of a modern economy, and for the growing number of middle-class families who send their children, in rare cases even girls, to the emerging system of state schools. It is, above all, a time of war, as the expanding Serbian state comes into con�ict with its neighbors and, ultimately, the Great Powers of Europe. �rough all of this, Natalija describes her struggles to receive an education, to raise her children and keep her family together, to be “a good Serb,” and sometimes simply to survive the horrors of war. Natalija’s story begins during a relatively quiet period of Balkan history in the late nineteenth century. Natalija grew up in middle-class, though �nancially precarious, circumstances in the small town of Arandjelovac, in an area of central Serbia known as Šumadija. Her father was a manager of a large water-bo�ling plant, later turned merchant, who was not very capable when it came to managing the family’s money. �is became increasingly problematic when he le� salaried employment and the family had to depend upon the revenue from his ventures in fruit and hog trading; the family was ultimately reduced to living for 1

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periods of time off the income they derived from renting their property to tenants. Natalija was the third of four daughters and, according to her own memoirs, because she “was supposed to be a son” and had a “lively temperament,” the family treated her like a boy. It is clear from the outset that Natalija was far from ordinary. Not content to sit and wait for her parents to choose her future husband and her life as they had for her unhappy older sister, she insisted on going to Belgrade to high school, where she proved herself a dedicated and talented student. She also chose her husband, a rising young civil engineer. During the early years of their marriage, they moved frequently as Natalija gave birth to six children in rapid succession, until �nally, feeling that she had exhausted her physical and �nancial resources during the First World War, she ended her seventh pregnancy with an abortion. �e bulk of the diary describes the Bulgarian occupation of Serbia during the First World War and its tragic end for Natalija personally, though she continues her life story through the interwar period, the Second World War, and its a�ermath in the Communist era. We read of her struggles to become a good mother to her children, her fears of pregnancy and childbirth, her children’s illnesses, and, above all, her determination to remain engaged in the world around her. Private Diaries and the Construction of History �e publication of the life stories of women can tell us a great deal about history. Indeed, published writings of women on the American frontier, for example, have entirely transformed our understanding of this historical period. Such efforts have barely begun in Eastern Europe, however. �e writings of Natalija Matić Zrnić contribute valuable information about the emerging middle class in Serbia in the late nineteenth and early twentieth century and its role in modernization, state building, and the national question. An enormous literature has emerged in the last two decades on diaries and, more speci�cally, on women’s diaries.1 Despite some remaining controversy, the diary is now generally recognized as a form of autobiographical writing—even, 1

To mention only a few of the most recent: Cynthia Ganne�, Gender and the Journal: Diaries and Academic Discourse (Albany: State of New York Press, 1992); Leigh Gilmore, Autobiographics: A Feminist �eory of Women’s Self-Representation (Ithaca: Cornell University Press, 1994); Suzanne L. Bunkers and Cynthia A. Huff, Inscribing the Daily: Critical Essays on Women’s Diaries (Amherst: University of Massachuse�s Press, 1996); Amy L. Wink, She Le� Nothing in Particular: �e Autobiographical Legacy of 19th Century Women’s Diaries (Knoxville: University of Tennessee Press, 2001).

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according to one author, “the most authentic form of autobiography because it is least subject to outside editing and censorship and it most fully represents life as process.”2 Diaries assume a variety of forms depending upon the purpose, perspective, social position, and discourse strategies of their authors. Some serve mainly as daily chronicles; some are li�le more than lists of tasks accomplished, purchases made, debts accrued, etc; and some are clearly wri�en more for the bene�t of others than for the author. �ese may serve as surrogate le�ers at a time when actual correspondence with a loved one is difficult or impossible. Some diaries may be intended for a “future” audience, private or public. Other diaries, in contrast, have a more self-re�ective tone and are employed by their authors for purposes of introspection. Depending on their purpose, these various types of diaries feature different voices and tones. Diaries intended mainly as chronicles or daybooks are likely to be dry and terse, while those wri�en with an audience in mind may have a slightly arti�cial or literary tone. In such diaries, the voice can seem self-conscious, unlike the individual voices—less artful and more intimate—of diaries that are truly intended to be private. It has also been noted that women’s diaries o�en differ from men’s. �ey tend to be focused on social and family ma�ers rather than on political issues and are more likely to be self-re�ective and emotional rather than outwardly directed and analytical. Indeed, it has been argued that diaries are a particularly feminine form of expression, either because diary writing is private—even secret—rather than public, or because it is a form of writing that pays a�ention to the daily, ordinary fabric of life rather than to extraordinary events.3 Moreover, women, it has been argued, o�en keep a diary as a sort of coping mechanism, using it to construct and/or preserve their sense of identity in times of stress. �ey write not simply to document their experiences but to �nd meaning in them and to communicate it to themselves as well as to any future readers.4 Natalija’s own diary was wri�en mainly for her private use and for self-re�ection, but with the secondary hope that at least her children and perhaps other family members and descendants would read some parts of it in the near or distant future. Natalija was a well-educated, well-read woman and her voice in this diary, while not “literary,” is certainly literate. She did, in fact, publish at least two small pieces: a travelogue describing a trip to So�a and Istanbul that she and 2 3 4

Suzanne L. Bunkers, “Midwestern Diaries and Journals: What Women Were (Not) Saying in the Late 1800s” in Studies in Autobiography, ed. James Olney (New York and Oxford: Oxford University Press, 1988), 191. Bunkers and Huff, Inscribing the Daily, 6. Wink, She Le� Nothing, xvi, 125–31.

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her husband took with a group of Serbian engineers, and an article in a health magazine describing a bogus cure for typhus that was once administered to her. As a published author, she was clearly aware of issues of style and drama. Certain diary entries also reveal her hope and expectation that her children, at least, would someday read her diaries so that they would know about her sacri�ces and learn about their father’s virtues. �us she considered it in part a teaching tool and very deliberately included in it information that she thought they ought to know. At such times her voice does seem self-consciously pedantic, perhaps mimicking the political and pedagogical literature to which she subscribed. She most o�en, however, seemed to use her diary as a means of reviewing in her own mind the events of her day, venting her frustrations, and examining and reexamining her feelings and motivations. Indeed, in many entries her voice is extremely personal, as she describes her passion for her husband, as well as her occasional �ts of jealousy and subsequent remorse. In such cases, it seems unlikely that she was writing for the children’s bene�t, though it is possible that she may have hoped to share these intimate thoughts and feelings with her husband. What she does not include in her diary is any accounting or daily bookkeeping. Only rarely does she mention debt, and then more in a conversational manner than as a ma�er of recording economic transactions. She does focus a great deal on social and family issues but also comments on the political life of her country on a regular basis. Although Natalija’s diary o�en centers on domestic and everyday concerns, she remains passionately interested in politics throughout her life, which she is aware was considered unusual for women at the time. As she writes, “In addition to the house and the children, I have always enjoyed discussing politics, and o�en substituted that for women’s talk and silliness.” Her writings, therefore, offer commentary on the burning issues of the day, including the problems of the Russian tsar, Serbian national interests, the corruption of Balkan politics, the uni�cation of Yugoslavia, Germany’s rising power and anti-Semitic politics, and �nally the Communist take-over. Finally, it is important when reading a diary to pay a�ention to what is le� out. Obviously, not all ellipses have meaning, but certain consistent lacunae, such as family deaths or certain types of illnesses, cannot be regarded as accidental. As Suzanne Bunkers has argued, these silences should not be seen simply as “blanks” but as codes that “transmit a message in an oblique rather than a direct manner.”5 �e question, of course, is what is that message? According to 5

Bunkers, “Midwestern Diaries,” 194.

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Bunkers, an author may remain silent about such taboo topics as death, departures, illness, or failure. Indeed, such silences in Natalija’s diary about her own near fatal miscarriage, the deaths of her sisters and brother-in-law, and the speci�c diagnoses of several serious illnesses among close family members indicate that these were topics about which she simply felt emotionally unable to speak. Due to its extraordinary length (Natalija maintained her diary more or less consistently for a period of over 50 years) the diary is also a remarkable work of autobiography. Although its most intense and dramatic moments are found in Natalija’s account of her experiences during the First World War, this is the story of a woman, not one woman’s story of her experiences during the war. In it we see clearly Natalija’s development through the early “Years of Hope,” when as a young wife and mother she was full of energy and enthusiasm for the bright future that awaited her, her new family, and her glorious nation; into the “Years of War,” when as a mature but strong woman she bravely faced the realities of poverty and brutal occupation; and, �nally, through the “Years of Disappointment,” when, as an aging and increasingly bi�er matriarch, she watched as her children completed their educations, le� home, and started families of their own. �rough it all, she wrote in her diary about daily events, the lives of her children, Serbian and world politics, and her own deep feelings. Her close observation of her family, community, and nation reveals a marvelous sense of history— as she grasps the signi�cance of the political upheavals taking place—and of character—as she keenly describes and judges neighbors, political �gures, and her loved ones. Natalija’s diary, then, has intrinsic value for its portrayal of both a social and political world, but its great appeal comes from her voice, which is at once sharp-eyed and wi�y, even as it is sometimes agonizingly raw. Indeed, the fact that Natalija’s voice comes to us in diary form contributes to its strength. �ere is a kind of power here that comes from this if not entirely “uncensored” telling of her life story, at least one that has not been consciously polished, shaped, and recollected with the bene�t of hindsight. �e Politics of Modernization in Serbia Although, or perhaps because, this is the story of an “ordinary” woman—as opposed to that of a famous writer, artist, or wife of a politician in the center of world events—Natalija’s diary has a great deal to offer as a primary source for the 5

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history of late nineteenth and early twentieth century Southeastern Europe. To begin with, Natalija’s diary offers considerable insight into Serbia’s general political and social development. Indeed, while diaries and journals relating to the history of the Second World War (and especially the Holocaust) abound, there are few dedicated to the later nineteenth and early twentieth centuries, including the First World War. Yet the issues surrounding that era are precisely those of greatest relevance to the current geopolitical con�icts in Europe. Natalija’s writings thus offer an excellent case study of the changes taking place in Southeastern Europe and of precisely how Serbia’s middle-class men and women conceived of their roles in promoting its modernizing and state-building agendas. Natalija grew to maturity during a pivotal time in Serbian and Balkan history. �e generation that came of age when Natalija did played a central role in modernizing the Serbian state, and Natalija was acutely conscious of her part in that process. By the time Serbia was officially recognized as an independent state by the Congress of Berlin in 1878, the country was undergoing industrialization and urbanization, accompanied by a rise in literacy and the emergence of mass politics. Yet Serbia was not only in the process of modernization in the late nineteenth century. It was also, and more importantly, in the throes of nation and state building. Just as important to Serbia’s men and women as joining European civilization, was their goal of increasing Serbia’s national territory and uniting all Serbs in one state. �e combination of these modernizing and state and nationbuilding goals in one short and intense period, particularly as Serbia became embroiled in one war a�er another, had crucial consequences for the emerging political culture in Serbia. Economic modernization in Serbia began in earnest a�er Serbia was officially granted independence at the Congress of Berlin in 1878, which opened the door to Serbia’s entry into the world economic market. It also marked a push by Serbia’s leaders to build the infrastructure of a modern economy, beginning with the railway system, which would ensure Serbia’s future industrial growth and economic progress. By 1884, the initial Belgrade–Niš line was completed and had registered over 270,000 users.6 Railroad and transport construction continued over the following decades and, by 1915, 1,368 kilometers of line had been completed.7 �is growing transportation network allowed for both 6 7

Latinka Perović, “Politička elita i modernizacija u prvij deceniji nezavisnosti srpske države” in Srbija u modernizacijskim procesima XX. veka (Beograd: Institut za noviju istoriju Srbije, 1994), 239. Mari-Žanin Čalić, Socijalna istorija Srbije 1815–1941 (Beograd: CLIO, 2004), 108–20.

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increased foreign trade as well as a minimal degree of internal trade and industrial development. Dominated by food industries (rather than textiles), which are characterized by the low use of technology and unskilled workers, Serbia’s economic growth in the late nineteenth and early twentieth century cannot be compared with the industrial revolutions of Western Europe. In 1911, Serbia’s industrial production accounted for only 15 percent of its GNP, and industrial workers only 2 percent of the labor force.8 Even so, it led to substantial urban growth as peasants moved into the cities. �e capital city of Belgrade, for example, nearly doubled its population from 35,483 in 1884 to 68,481 in 1900, and again to 111,739 by 1921. As a consequence, peasant traditions and values o�en seemed to overwhelm those of the more educated urban elites in what German scholar Mari-Žanin Čalić has called the “rurbanization” of Serbian towns.9 Since Serbia’s native nobility had been eliminated by the O�oman Turks in the fourteenth century, the urban elite in the late nineteenth and twentieth century was predominantly made up of merchants (initially mostly livestock and fruit traders) and, increasingly, state employees. A�er all, given Serbia’s underdeveloped economy, politics and state service provided the only creative outlets for educated or ambitious individuals, and the state in particular was almost the only available employer. �ese state employees, in particular, were dedicated to Serbia’s modernizing and state-building missions, seeing progress and order as quintessential European virtues.10 Because they were state employees, however, they were also and inevitably connected to politics, which, in these early years, was typically quite corrupt. �is meant, in practice, that any higher-level positions, even in seemingly apolitical professions, required political connections. Indeed, Serbia’s ostensibly democratic but somewhat unpredictable political system affected the everyday life of a civil servant in countless ways, as Natalija chronicles in her diary. �e �rst Serbian state, created in the 1820s, was a highly centralized kingdom ruled by the autocratic Prince Miloš Obrenović and a small circle of local notables. Ruling with the approval of the O�oman sultan, Miloš based his ruling style on that of the Turkish pasha, relying heavily on corruption and disposing of oppo8 9 10

Michael B. Petrovich, A History of Modern Serbia, Vols. 1 and 2 (New York: Harcourt, Brace, Jovanovich, 1976), 576. Even so, on the eve of the First World War, Serbia had the smallest urban population in Europe except for Russia and Finland. Čalić, Socijalna istorija, 182–83. Gale Stokes, Politics as Development: �e Emergence of Political Parties in Nineteenth Century Serbia (Durham, N.C.: Duke University Press, 1990), 304; Stevan K. Pavlowitch, Serbia: �e History of an Idea (New York: New York University Press, 2002), 69; Perović, “Politička elita i modernizacija,” 236.

7

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nents with brutal violence. �e decree of 1830 establishing Miloš as hereditary prince required that he rule together with a council. He eventually accepted a constitution, though he clearly had no intention of abiding by it and in fact immediately suspended it. Serbia’s �rst political party, therefore, was created in 1835 in opposition to Miloš’ tactics, and became known as the Constitution Defenders, or Constitutionalists. Eventually, in response to their determination, Miloš resigned. Over the following decades and through a series of different rulers, additional political parties also formed until, by the 1880s, Serbia had the foundations for a true multiparty system roughly modeled on that of Western Europe. Yet it would be difficult to describe any party’s program with accuracy, for they changed over time and depended on whether or not the party was in power. In every case, political parties were far more associated with personalities than with principled programs and policies and, again, as noted above, they were typically highly corrupt. Even so, the era of King Peter Karadjordjević, from 1903 to 1914, precisely those years when Natalija and Jova began their independent married life, has o�en been described as the “Golden Age” of Serbian Democracy.11 And in many ways that term is accurate, as it was one of parliamentary rule and a low tax threshold, providing some 20 percent of the male population the right to vote—one of highest rates in Europe. Yet, that reputation was marred by the continuing patriarchal culture, the blatant political corruption, seen especially in the Radicals’ tendency to use their parliamentary majority to place themselves above and outside the rule of law, and the appalling political violence that had brought the new regime to power. In a palace coup, the previous royal couple—Aleksandar Obrenović and his wife Draga Mašina—had been brutally shot, hacked to pieces, and tossed off the palace balcony. Worse yet, the coup conspirators had not been brought to justice, but remained within the new government throughout the subsequent era.12 Various scholars have sought to explain the discrepancy between Serbia’s apparently progressive political system in theory and its o�en-disappointing reality. Gale Stokes, for example, has argued that the Serbian state suffered from 11

12

In fact, until quite recently there has been relatively li�le serious historical research on this period. Most historians of Serbia’s constitutional era focused on the Obrenović era, which ended in 1903, and those few historians who addressed the later years concentrated their research on Serbia’s foreign policies. Only recently have two Serbian historians directly challenged the “Golden Age” thesis, supporting their claims with solid historical evidence. See Olga Popović-Obradović, Parlamentarizam u Srbiji od 1903 do 1914 godine (Beograd: Sluzbeni list SRJ, 1998) and Dubravka Stojanović, Srbija i demokratija 1904–1914 (Beograd: Udruženje za društvenu istoriju, 2004). Stevan K. Pavlowitch, A History of the Balkans, 1804–1945 (London and New York: Addison Wesley Longman Ltd., 1999), 173–75; Pavlowitch, Serbia, 79–80.

8

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a discontinuity between its advanced governing system and still underdeveloped economic and social structures.13 A more recent analysis of the early Serbian regime argues that the real problem lay in the realm of ideology and culture. According to historian Dubravka Stojanović, Serbian politicians, while ostensibly adopting Western political ideals, carefully adapted them to �t Serbian culture and traditions. Hence, while claiming adherence to democracy, they established a hierarchy of democratic values that consistently prioritized national unity and national freedom over individual rights and equality. Further, political parties in Serbia always identi�ed themselves with the entire nation, rather than speci�c constituencies, resulting in a spirit of intolerance rather than respect for the opposition. Nonetheless, she insists, the democratic process itself gradually enforced a degree of collaboration and toleration among political parties as, for example, when, in the 1909 elections, the Radicals and Independent Radicals, though archrivals, agreed to form a coalition. A�er the election, they resumed their rivalry, but without the virulence of their previously vicious media a�acks.14 Natalija’s diary re�ects these realities as well as her staunch middle-class conviction that the energies of Serbia’s urban elite must help move Serbia along the path of economic and social development. As a civil engineer, Natalija’s husband Jova had the more public role to play in this process; the roads, bridges, and railroads Jova built connected Serbia to the modern world and created the infrastructure for a capitalist economy. Each of his projects was an investment in their nation’s future and a source of pride for the family. Natalija also encouraged all of her children, boys and girls alike, to pursue careers in the quintessentially state-building professions of engineering and architecture. Indeed, not only all six of Natalija’s children, but nearly all of her grandchildren and their children (16 in all) became engineers and architects and, like her husband Jova, literally constructed the new Serbian state. For Natalija, Jova’s professional ethos was also essential to the modernizing project; it was an integral part of the modern bureaucratic system based on rules and legal procedures, which rewarded merit over personal or political connections. Both Natalija and Jova considered the constant ba�le against entrenched corruption—a relic of backward, “Turkish” Serbian society—to be an extremely important part of his job. Natalija was not usually a direct participant in this bat13 14

See for example Stokes, Politics as Development. Stojanović, Srbija i demokratija.

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tle, yet she o�en found herself involved in the process nonetheless. Although a crucial part of modernization was the separation of public and private life, that separation was far from complete in Serbia. As a result, wives were sometimes implicated in “gi�-giving” activities. Shortly a�er Jova was awarded a plum job as an engineer in the Serbian town of Šabac in 1909, Natalija was horri�ed to discover that she had inadvertently accepted a bribe of a turkey delivered to her front door from a potential contractor. Some time later, Jova angrily returned a money-stuffed envelope to a contractor who was a guest at their home on New Year’s Day. “We couldn’t cease to wonder at the corrupt nature of the local people, because bribery seems to be the order of the day here,” Natalija observed. While keeping herself free from being an unwi�ing participant in corruption was a concern, Natalija perceived her main role in the process of modernization as educating those around her and especially her children in the virtues and values appropriate for a modern civic nation. In this sense, she assumed the role of an “enlightened mother” as had women in the American and French Revolutions of the late eighteenth century.15 �is concept of motherhood emphasized women’s roles in instilling in their children the civic virtues necessary to a modern and enlightened society. Jova’s job, in other words, was to set the example. Natalija’s was to make sure their children learned it. It was perhaps for that very reason that Natalija so carefully recorded every case of Jova’s honesty. Natalija was enormously proud of her husband’s integrity and explained that she was writing all this in her diary so that her children would “know what kind of person their father is, be proud of him and follow his example every time they �nd themselves in a similar situation.” Ultimately, for Serbia to join the ranks of modern, European nations, Jova’s integrity in refusing to accept bribes or tolerate political deal making would have to be adopted by the entire political class. A second active role that women could play in modernization was to help raise the peasants out of their backwardness, and Natalija energetically undertook this task. As a member of the tiny but growing middle class, Natalija had a sense of her obligation to help educate and civilize at least the members of the uneducated masses with whom she had direct contact. She began her efforts in this regard well before her marriage when she worked as a teacher. A�er completing her education, Natalija taught school for approximately six years in the 15

In the American context, this concept is referred to as “Republican Motherhood.” Linda Kerber, Women of the Republic: Intellect and Ideology in Revolutionary America (Chapel Hill, N.C.: University of North Carolina Press, 1980).

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villages near her hometown of Arandjelovac. �e Women’s High School that Natalija a�ended in Belgrade considered health education one of its primary goals, required a course in hygiene for all students, and instructed students in the national signi�cance of health. According to one lecturer: “An underdeveloped, sickly, and ill nation unable to endure pain is not prepared for the desperate struggle of our current century, is not ready for great deeds.”16 With that preparation, Natalija considered herself a worthy representative of modernization and worked hard to educate not only the peasant children in her care but also their parents. She visited their homes and advised them on such diverse issues as hygiene, childcare, and politics. Early in her career, she made the mistake of shaving the heads of all the children in her school, boys and girls alike, to rid them of lice, nearly causing a riot among the parents, who were furious that their daughters had been shorn of their locks. She gave up her job teaching when she married, as was typical for the times, but later, as a housewife and mother, continued her efforts to improve her local surroundings, though her opportunities to do so were now more limited. In Šabac, she served as an officer at the Society for the Preservation of People’s Health and in Vranje a�er the war was the vice president of a youth club. On several occasions when she took in maids or young boys to help around the house, she also sought to educate them. She was especially appalled when they moved to Vranje in 1911 by the general backwardness in southern Serbia. At every possible opportunity she directed the peasants she encountered away from “the old superstitions” toward modern, scienti�c approaches and procedures. A�er only a month in that town, Natalija described the following encounter with a peasant family:

On my way back from town, I ran into a peasant and his wife, who were carrying a child. It was a pre�y child, a girl, two years old. �ey asked me whether they should take the sick child to the old women or the doctors. I told them not to even consider going to the old women and explained a li�le about how to feed, bathe, and care for the child. �ey told me she eats well, but wakes up from sleep with a start, shouting that “she got scared.” I saw that her stomach was swollen and sent them to see the doctor. I will ask him whether they went to see him. [June 25, 1911]

16

Cited in Perović, “Modernost i patriajarhalnost kroz prizmu državnih ženskih institucija: Viša ženska škola (1863–1913)” in Perović, ed., Srbija u modernizacijskim, 151.

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In this and other instances she always took the opportunity to cajole, exhort, and encourage the peasants to adopt more modern practices and convictions. State Building and Nationalism in Serbia Beyond modernization, the other main issue that preoccupied Serbia’s middleclass men and women in the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries was their nation’s territorial goals and desire for national uni�cation. Natalija’s diary conveys a sense of just how important the national question was for Serbs at the dawn of mass politics and how it came to overshadow nearly all other concerns. Indeed, one of the most powerful themes of Natalija’s diary is the way in which she identi�ed herself with the growing power and purpose of the new Serbian state; she had an acute sense of her nation’s potential for greatness and its destiny. Perhaps this is why the major events of Balkan history are no mere backdrop to Natalija’s account of her life. Inextricably intertwined with her personal story, they are part of its substance. We see the Balkan Wars, the First World War, and the Second World War through Natalija’s eyes as she sends her husband off to �ght, as she �ees from approaching enemy troops, as she lives under the occupation of hostile forces, as she hides her youngest daughter’s Jewish �ancé, and as she wonders, repeatedly, whether the rest of the world will ever understand or help Serbia in its hours of need. Any discerning reader who has followed the more recent con�icts in the Balkans will recognize in Natalia’s diary enduring themes in Balkan, and especially Serbian, history. Indeed, this diary provides a rich background to understanding the ongoing con�ict in the Balkans today. �e elements of Serbian national identity that have crucially shaped the decade of war in the Balkans during the 1990s are given substance and form, shape and sensation, through the voice of this Serbian woman whose views and experiences represent them. By focusing on the everyday issues of language, education, and self-perception in such “border zones” as southern Serbia and Macedonia, Natalija’s diary offers us an invaluable window into the formation of national identities during this period, as well as their shi�ing and �uid character. A thorough understanding of these processes, which continue to cause con�ict today, requires knowledge of their roots in the past. One cannot help comparing this diary to the writings of another woman, Rebecca West, who chronicled the themes and prejudices of emerging Balkan national identities during this period in her epic Black Lamb Grey Falcon. But whereas West brings the sometimes dismissive and always patronizing voice of 12

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the British Empire to her views on the Balkans, Natalija offers the insights of an insider; she is no less opinionated or prejudiced in her perspectives on her neighbors, but she nevertheless provides a sense of the fears and dreams of the Serbian nation-building project that no outsider can. Natalija’s writings thus offer an excellent case study of the changes taking place in Southeastern Europe and of precisely how Serbia’s middle-class men and women conceived of their roles in promoting its nation and state-building agendas. �e politics of nationalism was not a luxury in late nineteenth and twentieth century Serbia; it permeated every aspect of Serb’s lives as war swirled ever closer to them. �roughout Natalija’s early life, the single most important goal for all Serbs was the acquisition of more territory for the Serbian national state either on historic or ethnic bases. Although the �rst versions of nationalism to emerge from the French and American Revolutions were based on the concept of sovereign citizenship in a state, by the mid-nineteenth century, under the in�uence of German ideologist Johann Go�fried Herder, an ethno-linguistic form developed, emphasizing the importance of cultural, linguistic, historic, and ethnic ties. Over time, the Herderian and civic forms of nationalism merged to create nationalist ideologies which insisted that all members of a nation (de�ned by ethno-linguistic criteria) live as sovereign citizens in one single state.17 �e Serbian state, formed �rst in 1804 and signi�cantly enlarged by 1878, could in no way claim to include all ethnic Serbs. Indeed, the creation of such a state was practically impossible given the demographic reality of the region in which Serbs, Croats, Bosnian Muslims, Macedonians, Albanians, Bulgarians, Greeks, Turks, and others coexisted on the same historically disputed lands. Nonetheless, the uni�cation of all Serbs in one state shaped the national aims of Natalija’s and future generations. First officially articulated in 1844 by Ilija Garašanin, Minister to King Alexander Karadjordjević, in a document known as the Načertanje, or “Outline,” and embraced by Serbian peasants mobilized into politics by the 1880s, the goal that Serbia’s government consistently sought was to extend Serbia’s boundaries to the south (Macedonia), to the southwest (Kosovo and Montenegro), and to the west (Bosnia). Natalija accepted 17

�ere is a voluminous English language literature on nationalist ideologies. Among some of the most in�uential works are Benedict Anderson, Imagined Communities: Re�ections on the Origin and Spread of Nationalism (London and New York: Verso, 1983); Elie Kedourie, Nationalism (New York: Praeger, 1960); E.J. Hobsbawm, Nations and Nationalism Since 1780 (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1990); Roger Brubaker, Nationalism Re�amed: Nationhood and the National Question in the New Europe (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1996); and Ernest Gellner, Nations and Nationalism (Ithaca and London: Cornell University Press, 1983).

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these national aspirations as absolutely natural and reiterated them frequently. Increasingly, Serbia’s state borders seemed to be the issue of primary concern, at least in Natalija’s mind. Reared on stories of Serbian heroism, Natalija’s main political experiences concerned the construction of the Serbian state. Natalija’s husband, Jova, was a Bosnian Serb. In accordance with the Congress of Berlin in 1878, Bosnia fell under the administration of the Austro-Hungarian Empire, which Jova eventually �ed to avoid military service. Having done so, he could never return without facing severe military penalties and so was forever separated from his family, forced even to miss his own father’s funeral. Such circumstances only increased Natalija’s determination that Serbia must one day possess Bosnia. Moreover, once Natalija and her family moved to the Southern city of Vranje, they were living on or very near territory contested by several nations. Natalija had a fairly clear set of expectations about the different gender roles, or appropriate parts men and women would play, in achieving uni�cation of Serbs in one state. Men, of course, were those who would “get” Bosnia—ideally by political means, but, of course, by marching off to war if need be. Her role, and that of all women, was to pass on to their children and to all society, until that day should come to pass, the urgent desire for that goal, the traditions it entailed, and its signi�cance. And here Natalija was a master. Before her daughter was four years old, she had learned to sing, “Bosnia, you poor, cursed country…” and told her mother she would kill the Austrian Emperor Franjo “for taking Daddy’s Bosnia.” Later, during Bulgarian occupation, Natalija stubbornly held on to her hope for the future, even when her husband Jova fell into despair. She wrote, “Jova is sad and depressed. No wonder, he has already buried one homeland, and now the second one is falling apart. I still hope that Serbia and Bosnia will be united one day.” Even in a conversation with a German orderly who told Natalija and one of her friends that a small Serbia would surely exist again, Natalija replied �rmly, “Oh no, no! We want Greater Serbia, everything or nothing, and we think we’ll get it sooner or later.” �e strength of Natalija’s convictions about the character of Serbian identity and its national mission to unite all Serbs in one state was o�en expressed as intolerance toward those who did not display an equally �rm sense of Serbian national identity and loyalty. Natalija’s sense of patriotism for “sweet Serbia,” “my beautiful green homeland,” was sometimes transformed into national prejudice against the ethnic “Other,” especially against Bulgarians during the years of occupation during the First World War. Even more serious, however, was Natalija’s contempt for the inhabitants of Vranje in southern Serbia, who 14

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considered themselves Macedonians, rather than Serbs, or, worse yet, who were willing to shi� languages and loyalties depending on who was in power. She regarded those who were willing to cooperate with the Bulgarian occupiers as traitors and collaborators to whom no mercy should be shown. Natalija was especially concerned about “fraternization” with the enemy— a form of collaboration that commonly occurs under conditions of occupation and can take many different forms, from simply trying to get along with the authorities, to establishing close friendships with the occupier. Fraternization between the sexes, especially between occupied women and occupying men (o�en referred to as “horizontal collaboration”), has generally been perceived as among the most odious forms of collaboration, representing not only an insult to the honor and masculinity of the occupied nation’s men, but a threat to the nation itself. A�er all, any children that might result from such a union would, by tradition, belong to the father’s nation, not the mother’s.18 Hence, the fraternization of Serbian women with Bulgarian men represented in Natalija’s view a complete betrayal of Serbian men, who were soldiers �ghting for the Serbian nation. �ese women were not only betraying their husbands, fathers, and sons, but their entire nation. As she put it to one young woman who had tried to defend herself, “If I was a girl I wouldn’t be able to love a Bulgarian now, even if he was Casanova himself, nor would I allow him to tell me he loves me, because it’s their fault the Serbs now don’t have a homeland.” Further, as the war drew to a close and the liberation of Vranje approached, Natalja said, “I keep thinking about those women who had affairs with German and Bulgarian officers. A�er everything they’ve been doing for the past three years, what are they going to do and how are they going to meet their husbands when they return?” Natalija was even more outraged when Serbian mothers allowed their children to adopt Bulgarian national customs, wear Bulgarian national costumes, and sing Bulgarian national songs. She vigilantly reminded her children of their Serbian heritage, since during the day, the boys, at least, a�ended Bulgarian schools where they were indoctrinated with Bulgarian propaganda. One of her proudest moments came when her son Danko avoided taking part in a recital at school because it would have required him to sing Bulgarian songs: “My children are true Serbs despite the fact that they a�end the Bulgarian school. �ey can’t be re-educated because I teach them at home who and what they are. My sweet 18

Benjamin Frommer, “Denouncers and Fraternizers: Gender, Collaboration, and Retribution in Bohemia and Moravia during World War II and A�er” in Nancy Wing�eld and Maria Bucur, eds., Gender and War in Twentieth-Century Eastern Europe (Bloomington: Indiana University Press, 2006), 121.

15

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Serbian child, he has Šumadija blood in him, the blood of the highway robbers from Orašac, his grandfather’s hometown, so he can’t be anything else than a Serb.” For Natalija, her highest calling as a mother and a Serb was to ensure that her children and those around her remained staunch Serbian nationalists. Balkan Women’s History Finally, Natalija’s diary is an enormously important source for the history of women in Southeastern Europe. �e multiple roles women played during this crucial period of Serbian and Balkan history is a topic that has remained almost completely unexplored in English. While many studies have been published on various aspects of nineteenth and early twentieth century women’s history in Western Europe and Russia, such research is just beginning for most of Eastern Europe.19 As Nancy Wing�eld and Maria Bucur point out in their �ne work on gender and war in Eastern Europe, the share of studies on cultural and social aspects of history in this area is small and the analysis of gender marginal.20 It is thus essential, as they suggest, that we make women more visible in these processes, and Natalija’s diary is an excellent vehicle with which to begin. While there are several diaries, memoirs, and travelogues wri�en by western European and American women that cover the region of the Balkans during this crucial period of history, there are, as far as we know, no diaries published in English by Serbian women themselves.21 Natalija’s diary provides essential material for understanding social history during this period and, in particular, gender roles and relations. In fact, gender norms were clearly changing, albeit slowly, in Southeastern Europe in the late nineteenth century, at least for middle-class women. In many

19

20 21

For a discussion of the women’s history research landscape in Eastern Europe see “�e Future of Women’s History, Writing Women’s History in Eastern Europe: Toward a ‘Terra Cognita’?” Journal of Women’s History 16, no. 4 (2004): 173–82. A �ne example of this recent research on women’s history in Eastern Europe is Francisca de Haan, Krassimira Daskalova, and Anna Lout�, eds., A Biographical Dictionary of Women’s Movements and Feminisms, Central, Eastern and South Eastern Europe, 19th and 20th Centuries (Budapest and New York: Central European University Press, 2006). See also Slobodan Naumovic and Miroslav Jovanovic, eds., Gender Relations in South Eastern Europe: Historical Perspectives on Womanhood and Manhood in the Nineteenth and Twentieth Centuries (Belgrade: Zur Kunde Suedosteuopas-Band II/33, 2002). Wing�eld and Bucur, eds., 2. For example see Mary Edith Durham, �e Burden of the Balkans, 1905; Mabel Annie Boulton Stobart, War and Women: From Experience in the Balkans and Elsewhere (G. Bell & Sons, Ltd., 1913); Flora Sandes, �e Autobiography of a Woman Soldier: A Brief Record of Adventure with the Serbian Army, 1916–1919 (London: H.P.F. Witherby, 1927); John B. Allcock and Antonia Young, eds., Black Lambs and Grey Falcons: Women Travellers in the Balkans (New York: Berghan Books, 2000).

16

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ways, these changes re�ected and mimicked similar developments associated with the processes of modernization that had taken place in Western Europe and the United States somewhat earlier. As men moved into the wage labor force, middle-class women were increasingly con�ned to the private sphere of the home, where they were expected to maintain order, create a pleasant atmosphere, and pass on important national and family traditions and values. In order to be�er serve their husbands and educate their children, middle-class women were now understood to need some level of education. Meanwhile, the increased emphasis on individualism associated with political liberalism contributed to the gradual decline of arranged marriages and the increased popularity of those based on love. Accompanying these changes in women’s roles in the United States and most of Western Europe was the emergence of a women’s movement, which began to call for women’s political equality and suffrage.22 Although that demand would not be successful in most countries until the twentieth century, many educated women were increasingly a�racted to such movements, though o�en for very different reasons. �ese changes were also taking place within the small urban communities of late nineteenth and early twentieth century Serbia. As that state modernized, and a small but politically and economically signi�cant middle class emerged— approximately 10 percent of the population—Serbia’s middle-class women too began to marry for love, become at least minimally educated, and pursue the cult of domesticity.23 �e initial step toward modernization for Serbia’s women was access to education. �e �rst law establishing schools in Serbia passed in 1822. Initially girls were somewhat grudgingly allowed to a�end elementary school with the boys up through the fourth grade. In 1845–46, however, the �rst public girls’ school opened and gradually expanded throughout the state. Obligatory education for 22 23

For a comprehensive discussion of these processes in Western Europe see Karen Offen, European Feminisms 1700–1950: A Political History (Stanford: Stanford University Press, 2000). �ere are several �ne English-language works that treat the process of modernization in Serbia during this period, including Stokes, Politics as Development; Petrovich, A History of Modern Serbia; Lampe, Yugoslavia as History; and Ivan Berend and Gyorgy Ranki, Economic Development in East Central Europe in the 19th and 20th centuries (New York: Columbia University Press, 1974). �ese works have li�le to say about the impact of modernization on the position of women or women’s participation in this process. Recently, however, several new books in Serbia have begun to address seriously the roles of women in modernization. See Neda Božinović, Žensko pitanje u Srbiji u XIX i XX Veku (Beograd: DevedesetČetvrta, Žene u crnom, 1996); Perovič, ed., Srbija u modernizacijskim; Ana Stolić and Nenad Makuljević, eds., Privatni život kod Srba u devetnaestom veku, od kraja osamnastog veka do početka Prvog sveskog rata (Beograd: CLIO, 2006); and, translated from German, Čalić, Socijalna istorija.

17

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Introduction

all students, male and female, was established in 1882 (when Natalija was just two years old). According to that law, all Serbian children were to receive six years of elementary education, although, understanding the economic and logistical dif�culties that entailed, counties were given until 1890 to realize these new educational requirements. By 1897, however, the law had been adjusted to require only four years of education. Indeed, the number of schools would have had to increase from the 1,101 schools that then existed to 6,871 for all children to have a�ended school in 1900. Moreover, the strongly patriarchal culture meant that, whatever the law, many fewer girls than boys a�ended school. �us, it is perhaps no surprise that in 1910 only 27.3 percent of all elementary school age children actually a�ended school and, among girls, only 10 percent did so.24 Even by the onset of the First World War, there were 1262 boys’ schools with 140,000 students compared with only 163 girls’ schools educating a total of 30,000 female students, or less than 17 percent of the total number of students.25 Higher education for women began in 1863 with the establishment of the Women’s High School in Belgrade, the school that Natalija later a�ended. Its initial three-year program was expanded to four years in 1866, �ve in 1879, and six in 1886. A second High School for Women opened in the central Serbian town of Kragujevac in 1891 and an additional four in other provincial towns in 1894. During most of the late nineteenth century, these schools served mainly to produce female teachers for the state’s new elementary school network. By the turn of the century, however, they gradually lost that specialist function as new teachers’ schools were created and in 1912 the Belgrade School was �nally simply turned into a women’s high school. Women were always theoretically permi�ed to also a�end the University of Belgrade, which �rst opened in 1864, though in fact very few did so. �e �rst two female students graduated from Belgrade University in 1891 from the Philosophical Faculty; by 1905, female students, though still few in number, were fully integrated into the university system.26 Much of the initiative for female education came from romantically inspired intellectuals who did not justify their calls for women’s education in terms of economic modernization. Rather, they claimed it would contribute to the moral 24 25 26

Ljubinka Trgovcevic, “Obrazovanje kao činilace modernizacije Srbije u XIX veku” in Perović, ed., Srbija u modernizacijskim, 221–25. Božinović, Žensko pitanje u Srbiji, 57. As Božinović points out, the actual number of girls a�ending school would have been somewhat higher since some would have been in mixed schools with the boys. Maja Nikolova, “Školovanje ženske mladeže u Srbiji do 1914” in Perović, ed., Srbija u modernizacijskim , 73– 82; Perović, “Modernost i patriajarhalnost kroz prizmu državnih ženskih institucija: Viša ženska škola (1863– 1913)” in Perović, ed., Srbija u modernizacijskim, 141–61.

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Introduction

development of the nation and make urban housewives into more elegant and re�ned helpmates for their husbands. Accordingly, the educational system that was gradually adopted �rst sought to erect a solid barrier between male and female education. During the 1850s, mixed gender classrooms were eliminated and the curriculum in the girls’ schools focused on handicra�s, music, dancing, and the arts at the expense of grammar, geography, and history. By 1898, however, given the severe shortage of girls’ schools and teachers, the state found itself forced not only to reduce the number of obligatory school years for all children from six to four, but also to agree that female students would once again be allowed to a�end school with the boys in areas where girls’ schools did not exist. Over time, progressive reformers succeeded in equalizing the curricula in the boys’ and girls’ schools.27 In addition to these gains in female education, by the early twentieth century a very small women’s movement had also formed in Serbia. As early as 1875, the �rst director of the Women’s High School in Belgrade, Katarina Milovuk, brought together a group of well-educated middle-class women dedicated to humanitarian service, especially for poor women and children, under the name of the Women’s Society. �e Circle of Serbian Sisters, founded some 30 years later in 1903 with similar charitable and national goals, would become the most prominent of the prewar women’s organizations. Neither of these organizations, however, was feminist in character, focusing as they did on charitable deeds and Serbian aspirations. Indeed, over time these organizations’ national agendas were especially highlighted, as their members played an important role in caring for wounded soldiers, civilians, and orphans through Serbia’s involvement in a series of bloody con�icts, from the Russo-Turkish War of 1878, the Serbo-Bulgarian War of 1885, and the First and Second Balkan Wars of 1912–13 into the First World War.28 Natalija’s life shows the impact of these developments in many ways. She began her education in 1885, just a few years a�er the law mandating obligatory elementary education for boys and girls alike was passed. While it was still highly unusual for girls from a small provincial town like Arandjelovac to a�ain any higher education, she was able, thanks to family connections and her own determination, to 27

28

Nedeljko Trnavac, “Indiferentnost prema školovanju ženske dece u Srbiji 19 veka” in Perović, ed., Srbija u modernizacijskim, 55–72; Vitomir Vuletić, “Ujedinjena Omladina Srpska i društveni položaj žene” in Perović, ed., Srbija u modernizacijskim, 163–73. Božinović, Žensko pitanje u Srbiji,70–74. For information on women’s movements in the interwar period see also �omas A. Emmert, “Ženski pokret: �e Feminist Movement in Serbia in the 1920s” in Sabrina Ramet, ed., Gender Politics in the Western Balkans (University Park, Pa.: Pennsylvania State University Press, 1999), 33–51.

19

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Introduction

a�end the Women’s High School, �rst in Belgrade, beginning in 1891, and then later for a year in Kragujevac, �nally completing the six-year high school program in Belgrade in 1897. �en, just as one might expect, given her education, she worked as a village schoolteacher for several years before her marriage. In the ensuing years, as Natalija and Jova moved to several provincial towns, she came into closer contact with both the Women’s Society and the Circle of Serbian Sisters. Given her educational and social background, these are precisely the kind of organizations that one might expect her to join. Yet, despite a�ending several of their functions and meetings before the outbreak of the Balkan Wars, Natalija was o�en sharply critical of them and on a few occasions vowed she would never go to their meetings again. From her perspective, the women in such organizations were overly concerned with frivolous issues like fashion and did not have serious conversations on topics of interest to her, like politics. Class status was also apparently an issue, for, although the Circle has been described as middle class, it seemed to have been on the upper end of that stratum. Natalija described one such meeting in Šabac in the following way: �e other day I went to the meeting of the Women’s Society in Šabac, where I saw all of the empty-headed Šabac aristocracy. I don’t feel like spending time with them. Dragan [her young son] saw geese in a pond, and when he saw them waddling, he said, “Look how the geese bow.” �at’s exactly how those aristocratic women behave. Indeed the only time that Natalija did engage seriously with any of these women’s organizations was in the immediate a�ermath of the First World War, and even then she quickly lost patience and transferred her efforts to the less prestigious but more effective Center for Abandoned Children and War Orphans and public school system. Yet if Natalija was sometimes dismayed by the lack of seriousness exhibited by women in charitable organizations, she did not appear to have been drawn to their more feminist counterparts. �ere were a few feminists in Serbia associated with the Socialist Party; the Serbian Socialist leader, Svetozar Marković, had translated J.S. Mill’s On the Subjugation of Women into Serbian in 1871 only two years a�er its publication in England and wrote several feminist tracts.29 By the turn of the century, there were an estimated 300 feminists of various kinds in the capital city of Belgrade.30 One might imagine that Natalija would have appreci29 30

Božinović, Žensko pitanje u Srbiji, 42. Svetlana Stefanović. Interview with authors, Belgrade, June 16, 2006.

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ated such women for their intelligence and political consciousness, but, despite her vague socialist leanings, Natalija did not associate with them. Perhaps she found their political views too far removed from her own, or more likely she was simply preoccupied with her own personal and household concerns. Despite her exceptional education and political interests, Natalija’s life was in many ways bounded by traditional domestic tasks and expectations. She understood her most important role to be that of wife and mother and it is in her personal struggles to ful�ll these roles, the universal theme of family obligation versus personal ful�llment, that the diary derives its powerful emotional intensity. Her household chores, childbearing experiences and fears, childrearing joys and traumas, �nancial concerns, and numerous wartime experiences were exactly the same as those experienced by all middle-class Serbian women and can even be considered emblematic of the experiences of countless European women of the early twentieth century. Reading about the inner struggles of Natalija’s life, one cannot help but be struck by how very familiar Natalija’s emotional landscape seems, even as she struggled with the reality of childhood illnesses and frequent pregnancies before the era of antibiotics and birth control. It is precisely Natalija’s emblematic perspective on common events and issues that makes her diary so valuable as a historical source. Her insights and stories, sometimes funny, sometimes tragic, illuminate the larger historical themes of political ideologies, social structures, gender relations, and individual in�uences that are of enduring signi�cance and will, we believe, enrich the reader’s understanding of Natalija’s era as well as the contemporary era.

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Part I.

Years of Hope 1880 -1911

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Chapter 1. Childhood

Chapter 1.

Childhood

Background

W

hen Natalija Matić Zrnić was born in 1880, Serbia had been an independent state for only two years. During most of the previous �ve centuries, Serbia had been part of the O�oman Empire. At the time of O�oman conquest in the late fourteenth century, nearly all the Serbian nobility had been destroyed. Nonetheless, thanks in part to the O�omans’ millet system, which allowed various religions to administer civic affairs and local justice, Serbia’s cultural, national, and religious traditions had remained intact over the succeeding centuries. By the la�er part of the eighteenth century, as O�oman control over the Balkan Peninsula began to decline, the possibility of an independent Serbian state gradually emerged. �e First Serbian Uprising took place in 1804 under the leadership of Karadjordje (“Black George”) Petrović, a local notable and livestock trader. �at uprising originated as a frontier revolt against O�oman warlords who, in the absence of effective central control, had begun violating concessions made by the sultan to Serbian village leaders. Indeed, the sultan initially supported the Serbs in their revolt. Over time, however, emboldened by their successes, the Serbian revolutionaries’ aims became increasingly ambitious and they began to seek greater autonomy or even independence from O�oman rule, looking to outside forces, especially the Russian Empire, for support. �at support never fully materialized, however, and the Serbs succeeded only in antagonizing the sultan, who eventually crushed the revolution. �e revolt nonetheless laid the foundations for Serbia’s steadily increasing autonomy, as well as establishing the Karadjordjevićs as one of Serbia’s two rival dynastic families. �e second dynastic family was the Obrenovićs. At the end of the First Uprising, when Karadjordje �ed the country, many other local notables sub25

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Part I. Years of Hope

mi�ed once again to O�oman rule, including another livestock trader, Miloš Obrenović. Over time, through a combined policy of resistance and collaboration, which eventually included capturing Karadjordje when he sought to return to the country and sending his decapitated head to the sultan, Miloš succeeded in having himself named Supreme Knez (or Prince) and Serbia recognized as a fully autonomous province. Over the next 70 years, the Obrenović and Karadjordjević dynasties would coexist as rivals within Serbia, alternating in and out of power. �e Karadjordjevićs generally relied on Russia in their foreign policies, while the Obrenovićs were more likely to turn to the Austrian Empire for support. �rough their combined efforts, Serbia �nally achieved complete legal independence under the terms of the 1878 Treaty of Berlin. Nonetheless, Serbs had not yet a�ained their full territorial ambitions, which extended west into Bosnia (�rst administered and later annexed by the Austro-Hungarian Empire) and south and southwest toward Kosovo and Macedonia (both still part of the O�oman Empire). Natalija came of age in a time of tremendous change, as Serbs were a�empting to modernize their newly independent country and join the ranks of European nations. Although traditional customs and expectations remained in the villages and small towns, particularly concerning the proper behavior of girls, increasing numbers of women in Serbia’s capital city of Belgrade were marrying for love, a�ending school, and engaging in political discussions. Nevertheless, the emerging middle class was still very small at the turn of the century, no more than 10 percent of the population, and the numbers of educated women miniscule. Only Belgrade, the capital, and Niš, a city to the south, had more than 10,000 inhabitants (though the population of Belgrade doubled in the decade of Natalija’s birth) and fully 87 percent of urban females were illiterate at this time. �e percentage of illiterate women in Arandjelovac, where Natalija grew up, was signi�cantly higher. Natalija, as we shall see, was truly exceptional for her time and place. Introduction It is Christmas Eve, 1941. All of Europe is at war. Darkness has fallen on Štipska Street, a steep cobblestoned avenue winding down to the river in Belgrade, the capital of the Kingdom of Yugoslavia, a country that is no more. Like so much of Europe, it has been altered irrevocably in the �rst few months of the war, literally broken to pieces by the Axis forces that have grabbed various parts for their own. 26

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Serbia has been occupied by the Germans, who have placed the aging and deluded General Nedić in charge. No one is fooled by his claims of autonomy; the occupation is deadly, brutal, and, on this particular Christmas Eve, unnaturally quiet. It is the quiet that perhaps bothers Natalija more than anything else. She has lived through occupations before and knows that they are �lled with unnatural sounds, the droning of the planes overhead, the muffled stomp of a thousand boots on snow, the groaning and squeaking of cart wheels coaxed through the mud, the drumbeats of the occupying forces telling the people to come to the square at eight o’clock, to show up at school as usual tomorrow, to prepare for house searches now. She thought she knew what occupations sounded like. �is one had begun so loudly last spring she was sure her heart would beat right through her chest. �e low rumble of the German planes as they �ew over the great Danubian Plain stretching all the way south �om the Alps to Belgrade; the rumble had reached her ears only seconds before the air raid sirens pierced the night. �e explosions started on the other side of the city, by the fort, Kalemegdan, where the Sava and the Danube Rivers meet. With each wave of bombers they came closer, until the very powder in the whitewash shook loose �om the ceiling and showered down upon her head. It seemed as if the explosions and the sirens and the droning would never stop as she paced the dark narrow hallways of her house. Finally, a�er hours of this, she knew she would go mad if she didn’t go out and feed her chickens and shake her �st at the planes, at the pilots, at God. Pu�ing a pan on her head, she marched into the yard, where she stood, spellbound, for the rest of the day, calculating which buildings had been hit as she watched the bombs fall, recording the destruction to write it down later in her journal. But now, more than eight months later, it is eerily quiet, when the sounds of Christmas Eve celebrations should be audible even through windows closed against the bi�er cold. Natalija is slumped heavily in her chair by the window, gazing out into the darkness where the lights of the large homes across the street should be blazing. Her skin looks gray-blue in the shadows of the dimly lit room, marked by harsh dark lines between her eyes and across her forehead. Even at the age of 61, her high cheekbones, long straight nose, and clearly contoured chin give her a strong and determined look. And her eyes still have in them something of their previous beauty, �amed by her �nely arched brows. But her mouth, permanently turned down at the corners, conveys a sense of disappointment and even bi�erness about the world. She keeps her hair short now, the silver rivulets running through it having become a sea of gray.

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What is going through her mind as she turns away �om the window and stares at the stack of notebooks on the table before her? She opens the dark leatherbound one on top and �ips through it, almost absently. She has done this many times before, each time stopping to read a forgo�en passage, adding a word or sentence here and there. With her poor eyes, it is becoming more difficult to read the tight Cyrillic script wri�en in fading pencil or her favorite black ink. Her mouth moves silently as she reads. �is evening, she is particularly worried about her son Mirko, who cannot leave the city to escape the Germans as so many other members of her family have done. Here it is, she thinks, as she comes to the well-worn pages wri�en during the last world war. “Perhaps if we had taken Mirko to the doctor earlier,” she mu�ers to herself, as she peers at a certain entry yet again. �is is where it all began; if only we had known. Her thoughts turn to her youngest daughter, born during the hellish days of the last occupation, when there was never enough to eat and so many of their �iends had grown cold. Now Milica has a Jewish �ancé whose presence in their lives will surely bring them all to harm. Is it possible they will all have to survive another war? But, of course, they didn’t all survive the last one and that is why she must �nish her task. �e record must be done, complete, there for those who live. She must, on this Christmas Eve, when the whole world is on the brink of death, �nish the journal she began so very long ago. Oh, her cursed country, always another war, another generation of lost hopes and dreams. But it wasn’t always like that. �ere was a time, when she was young and her country was young, and they had been �lled with hope. She would go back in her mind to that time, when she was a girl growing up with big dreams and when Serbia seemed destined for greatness. She would write about her childhood and then let the war bring what it may; her record would be complete. She leans forward slowly, opens a new book, picks up her pen and begins to write. “I was born…”

I was born on October 27, 1880 in a small town called Arandjelovac1 to mother Mileva and father Nikola Joksimović. My mother Mileva gave birth to six children. Four of them were born alive, two of them died when they were infants, and the other children don’t remember them. My oldest sister Jelisaveta, or Jelka, as we called her, was born alive, but Jova and Draga, who were born a�er her, died 1

Arandjelovac is a town and the center of a municipality located in central Serbia approximately 76 km southwest of Belgrade. Arandjelovac’s population in 1884 was 1,550 and, by 1910, 2110; in 2006 the population numbered just under 25,000. Arandjelovac is famous for its spa and a mineral water plant called Knjaz Miloš— earlier known as Kisela Voda. It also contains a marble mine, deposits of �re-clay and kaolin, and a porcelain industry. �e �rst Serbian uprising of 1804 began in this region, in the village of Orašac, just 6 km away.

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Nikola Joksimovi�, 1860s

when they were still babies. Julijana (Juca) was born next, then me, Natalija, and then my youngest sister, Emilija (Bela). All I know about my birth is what I later learned from others. “God wanted her to be a boy as was her father’s wish,” they said, “but in the end he changed his mind and she was born a girl.” �ese stories were de�nitely the consequence of my father’s real longing to have a son, as well as of my lively temperament and the fact that I hung around and played with boys when I was li�le, o�en serving as their ringleader. My father Nikola was from the well-known historical village of Orašac, which was the location of the great 1804 rebellion during the rule of King Karadjordje. He came from a large zadruga, or family-farming cooperative.2 I don’t know much about my father’s life before I was born. I know he started from scratch, which is why the family was still struggling with poverty when I was a child. I don’t know exactly what his profession was. As far as I can remember from my childhood, my father was 2

�e zadruga was a family-based communal organization typical of most South Slavic nations in the pre-modern era. It could be made up of as few as 10 or as many as 50 to 60 members. �e zadruga served a number of valuable moral, economic, and defensive functions. It began to dissolve, however, by the early nineteenth century, as the decline in warfare reduced the need for defense and the introduction of cash moved economies away from self-sufficient models and toward more market-based systems.

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Sara Popovi�, Natalija’s grandmother on her mother’s side, about 1850

the village elder for 11 years. At that time he was already regarded as the best among the citizens, and was later chairman of a municipality.3 He achieved everything alone, with his own two hands and his brains. He was a people’s representative in Niš in 1884.4 A�er that he o�en worked as a salesman and mechanic, and for six years as the general manager of the “Kisela Voda” Mineral Water Company in Arandjelovac. He could have been be�er off if he had known how to hold on to his money and not given everything away. He was a member of the Progressive Party, or Bontoux’s men, as they were called at the time, a�er Bontoux, the man who was building the new railroad system. Bontoux was the head of the �nancial 3

4

Village elders were usually simply the most respected male adults of the village and were normally elected to the position. A collection of villages adding up to 500 citizens created a municipality. �e village elders then elected a chairman of the municipality from among themselves. A people’s representative was a member of the Serbian Parliament. �is was a very honorable, paid position. Each representative was elected for a term of two to three years, depending on the length of the parliamentary session. �e Serbian Parliament in its early years moved its location regularly in order to ease the traveling burden of the representatives. When Natalija’s father was a representative, the Parliament was located in Niš. It established a permanent seat in Belgrade only at the turn of the century.

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institution “Union Generale,” from Paris, which in 1881 signed an agreement with the government of Prince Milan Obrenović5 regarding the lease, construction, and use of the Belgrade–Vranje railroad. �e company went bankrupt a�er only a year, causing Serbia to lose 25 million dinars. �e agreement was very exploitative, but had been accepted by corrupt judges and politicians.6 My grandmother on my mother’s side, Sara, was the only daughter of an Orthodox priest named Tomo and his wife, Ana. Sara had �ve brothers. My mother was a real treasure, a model for other women in honesty and in all other virtues. She was very sweet-tempered, quiet, and good. It always makes me cry when I remember how much pain I sometimes caused her in my childhood and youth. She nevertheless loved me very much. I only realized this when I became a mother myself, and I pray to God for forgiveness if I ever offended her, which I know I did. My father also loved us very much, but had he looked a�er all of us be�er, things would have been different for my sisters, whereas for me things turned out to be �ne, thank God. He was more concerned with his work and politics, whereas our mother spent more time with us. When she died, he must have had such a difficult time looking a�er so many daughters; he simply did not know how to do everything that was necessary, because he had never been as close to us as our mother was. When I compare present political life with that of the past, I don’t see anything that’s be�er or worse; it’s always the same. I still have vivid memories of certain events, despite the long number of years that have passed. My heartbeat still quickens with fear when I remember the sharp sound of revolver shots as members of the Radical Party cut down the trees planted along the streets of Arandjelovac in front of the houses owned by their political rivals, the Progressives. Later the 5

6

�e second dynastic family in Serbia was the Obrenovićs. Its �rst ruler was Miloš, who initiated the rivalry with the Karadjordjevićs by sending Karadjorde’s head to the sultan. Milan Obrenović, Miloš’s grandnephew, ruled from 1868 to 1889. Natalija tells this story accurately. �e Railroad Agreement pushed through by King Milan Obrenović and the Progressive Party was not particularly popular among Serbs. Some opposed it because it would bring Western, capitalist ways into Serbia, others because it would likely subordinate Serbia to foreign capital, and others because they suspected that bribery and corruption were involved in the deal. It turned out that all of them were right, and yet those who supported the deal felt, with some reason, that Serbia inevitably had to have a railroad to modernize, had to modernize to join Europe, and could only conceivably gain a railroad by accepting foreign capital. Nonetheless, having taken 34 million dollars of foreign loans for Serbia into its possession, l’Union Generale then collapsed. Somehow, with Austrian aid, many of these funds were recouped, so that, according to most reports, Serbia really only lost 12 million dollars on the deal. Still, in the course of the scandal, substantial evidence of corruption and bribery, involving even the king, was uncovered. �e entire deal essentially destroyed any future electoral hopes of the Progressive Party and did a great deal to further damage the king’s already weakened personal reputation as well.

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Radicals partied under the windows of those very same houses and danced with torches to music until dawn. �is was shortly a�er some elections.7 �e crowd that cut down the trees that night was led by a man named Miloš, a Radical extremist. My father was Miloš’s kum,8 or best man, at his wedding, and before and a�er this wild night on the streets of Arandjelovac, my father and Miloš celebrated each other’s slava9 (family patron’s day) embracing each other and kissing each other on the cheek. Being impassioned political opponents, they could have killed each other, but any disagreement was soon forgo�en and they were friends again as before. As a child, I found this surprising, but I later learned that Serbs as a people quickly forgive all wrongdoings, even those of their enemies, and in general like to treat everybody as a friend, regardless of whether they are or not. To this day I have my doubts about whether forgiveness is a good characteristic of the Serbian nation. As much as it is a good Christian virtue, it has also turned out to 7

8

9

Serbia was by this time a parliamentary multi-party democracy. �e decree of 1830 establishing Miloš as hereditary prince required that he rule together with a council. He eventually accepted a Constitution, though he clearly had no intention of abiding by it and in fact immediately suspended it. Serbia’s �rst political party, therefore, was created in 1835 in opposition to Miloš’s tactics, and became known as the Constitution Defenders, or Constitutionalists. Over the following decades, additional political parties also formed. In the 1850s and 1860s, the Liberal Party was formed as well as the Conservative Party—later known as the Progressive Party. In the 1880s, the most popular and, ultimately, powerful political party, the Radical Party, was formed. Later, the Liberals changed their name to the National Party and the Radicals split into the Old Radicals and the Independent Radicals. It is rather difficult to describe each party’s program with any accuracy, as they changed over time and depended on whether or not the party was in power. Essentially, however, the Progressives were most associated with the Obrenović Dynasty, the Liberals with nationalist politics, and the Radicals with populist, peasant-based politics. �e Independent Radicals retained the Radicals’ populist roots but felt the old Radicals had betrayed their original program and become corrupted by power. In every case, political parties were far more associated with personalities than with principled programs and policies. Perhaps most importantly, all aspects of political life in Serbia were characterized by a high degree of corruption. �e kum, which translates as “best man” or “godfather,” plays an important role in Serbian family traditions. �e relationship with one’s kum is an institutionalized form of friendship, intended in part to regulate local violence, and has on occasion proven stronger than family ties. According to Serbian custom, when the kum comes to visit, the householder must go out to greet him bareheaded and kiss his hand, even if the godfather is a younger man. Nonetheless, in Serbian history, kums have betrayed one another, the most famous case being the ordered assassination of Karadjordje Petrović by his kum Miloš Obrenović, ostensibly for the good of the country. �e Serbian Orthodox slava, or more accurately krsna slava, is a Serbian religious and national custom, observed by nearly all Serbs, regardless of their degree of religious piety. �e slava celebrates each family’s patron saint’s day and ostensibly commemorates the anniversary of their baptism into Christianity. �e slava is celebrated with feasting and a ritual involving a candle, a particular form of boiled wheat mixture known as Slavsko žito, a specially prepared bread or cake called Slavski kolač, and red wine. O�en the family a�ends services at church �rst and then the parish priest is welcomed in the home to bless the žito and the kolač and to light the slava candle. In most cases, family slavas are inherited by male descendants, while women celebrate the slavas of their husbands. However, if a married woman is the sole heir of her family, she may also celebrate her father’s slava. Some saints may have more than one “day.” In that case, one day is usually the main slava, and the second may be celebrated also but to a lesser degree as a “li�le slava” or preslava. Because slavas are such an important Serbian holiday, they are nearly always celebrated in some way, regardless of hardship or dangerous circumstances.

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Nikola Joksimovi�, after his return from the Serbo-Bulgarian War in 1885

be a mistake too many times and has caused us harm. I’m afraid our good nature has o�en come at a high price. Bordering on naïveté and even stupidity, it stems from our great desire to believe that all people are good. We thus give the enemy too much space, allowing him to do too many evil things to us before striking back. A�er that we soon forget all the pain, suffering, hardship, death, and misery, only to have somebody do the same to our children some time later. To behave in this way is Christian, but are we the only Christians on this planet? I remember an incident from 1885, during the Bulgarian–Serbian war.10 It was nigh�ime. All the women were on the streets, wrapped in their large shawls, 10

�e Serbo-Bulgarian War of 1885 was initiated by Serbia in response to what it considered an unfair change in the balance of power in the Balkans. Following the Congress of Berlin in 1878, Bulgaria had been established as two separated entities, the Independent Kingdom of Bulgaria under Alexander of Ba�enburg and the Semi-Autonomous Principality of Eastern Rumelia, which was still ostensibly within the O�oman Empire. In September 1885, King Alexander announced the uni�cation of the Kingdom of Bulgaria and Eastern Rumelia. From Serbia’s perspective, this created exactly what the Congress of Berlin had sought to prevent—a large Slavic state under the protection of Russia. Such a state would be larger and more populous than Serbia itself, thus altering the balance of power in the Balkans. Milan Obrenović was hoping to take advantage of what he

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with children in their arms or standing next to them. �ey were escorting their husbands to the border. I was squa�ing under my mother’s apron and sobbing, not because of my father since I did not know where he was going, but because I was cold and shocked as well as afraid of the stamping of military boots and crying of the women. At that time I did not know what war was. But all those who live in my country acquire a thorough knowledge of war in their lifetime, if they survive. Will a single generation ever be spared that knowledge? Later on even we, the children, were dragged away from our games to help older women “comb the cloth,” that is to pull the strings from old, well-washed white cloth and arrange it in delicate layers, like a spiderweb, to be used later as a substitute for co�on wool in dressing soldiers’ wounds.

Natalija’s parents, her older sisters Jelka and Juca, and Natalija (middle), 1884

saw as Alexander’s momentary vulnerability and also hoped to push Austria and Russia into con�ict when he invaded Bulgaria in November 1885, but the la�er outcome was prevented by Bismarck’s careful diplomacy. Obrenović’s expectations of an easy victory also proved unfounded. �e Serbian public was at best lukewarm about the war and Serbia began immediately to suffer military losses. A�er a bloody three-day war, the Austrian government had to intervene and persuade the Bulgarians to accept a cease-�re recognizing prewar boundaries. Ultimately, the war served only to dramatically impair the Serbian army’s international reputation and self-image as an effective �ghting force.

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Natalija’s oldest sister Jelka in national costume (left) and friend, 1902.

I completed four years of primary school in Arandjelovac and was an A student. My teacher was a thin and short spinster with hair reaching down to her knees. She lived with her mother. I fought for the opportunity to go to her place and clean her room, and I did all the housework around her house, although I didn’t have to, because my father was the head of the municipality and the chairman of the school board. My teacher sent me several times to the men’s classroom to substitute for their teacher who had diphtheria. �ere was a big difference in age between my oldest sister and the rest of us children, and so while I was still a child, Jelka was already of marrying age. She had the reputation of being the most beautiful girl in Arandjelovac. She was in love with the head of the county government, Živojin Bogdanović, who was in love with her too and who proposed to her. Even at that time, as a li�le girl, I sensed and was critical of my parents’ meddling in their love. My father, who was conservative, did not want to hear anything about their love, because he did not want his son-in-law to be a civil servant, traveling from town to town as part of his service. He wanted his daughter to marry a local man, Velja, the son of an eminent, emancipated and wealthy widow. I believe that her wealth played a decisive role in my father’s mind, and Živojin Bogdanović limped on one leg, which might have been another reason for my father’s staunch opposition to him. I felt sorry for my 35

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sister, and even at such an early age I knew that I would not allow anyone to shape my fate in this way, even though father’s wishes were law at that time. �ehouseofVelja’s mother,whomwecalledAuntPerunika,wasconsideredone of the richest in the area, and whenever Serbian King Milan came to Arandjelovac, he stayed in her house. I still remember Aunt Perunika. She was plump and short, and wore a typical Serbian hairpin in her hair. She was the only one who still wore that old-fashioned hairpin, while my mother and all the other women in town wore a fez, a Barege scarf, a short cloak with wide sleeves, and the rest of the “town” a�ire.11 Aunt Perunika’s clothes were town clothes, except for the hairpin. Whenever I remember her, I see her throwing back her head, a long and heavy silk scarf with fringes swinging behind her, fastened in the middle with a round gold coin-pin, the so-called “gold ruble.” Instead of a cane she always carried a man’s umbrella in her hand, which made her appear more digni�ed. When she strode down the street, peasants, mostly indebted servants or sharecroppers, followed behind her as an escort. I am writing about her because she was a woman-man at the time when Serbian women spent most of their lives at home, never appearing anywhere unescorted by men. She entered all the coffee houses in town alone, and sat with the men there, conducting most of her business in this way. I no longer remember my sister’s wedding to Aunt Perunika’s son, Velja. I am certain that we, the children, were le� to celebrate a safe distance away from the main ceremony. But I still remember well one evening in the summer when my sister Jelka stormed into the house, crying. She was holding a bunch of diamonds in her hand from a brooch she had worn that day on her head, and which Velja had smashed into pieces with his �st. He did it out of jealousy. He had no education or manners, was quick-tempered and rich, and he knew that before their marriage Jelka’s heart had belonged to another man. I only heard the entire story later. It was around this time that Queen Natalija came to Arandjelovac.12 Every day around �ve o’clock in the a�ernoon, she would came out on the balcony of Prince Michael’s old dwelling to watch the town’s youth dance the kolo, or circle 11

12

At this point, Serbian women still apparently dressed very much according to O�oman Turkish styles and traditions. Within just a few years, however, by the time Natalija was in her twenties, middle-class women in cities and towns dressed in clothes that were similar to what women in Western Europe and North America wore. Natalija Obrenović (1859–1941) was the Serbian queen married to King Milan Obrenović. Milan abdicated the throne in 1889 in favor of his then 13-year-old son, Alexander. Milan’s relations with his wife Natalija were the source of some, though certainly not all of his troubles, as a ruler. Like most of the Obrenovićs, Milan was pro-Austrian in his foreign policy orientation. Moreover, he has been described as the least national of all of Serbia’s kings. Natalija, on the other hand, the daughter of a Russian colonel of Romanian extraction, was pro-Russian in her approach and generally more popular than her husband. She opposed, for example, his desire to have their son educated in Austria, as well as the Serbian invasion of

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folk dance, on the terrace below.13 My sister Jelka was among the dancers. �e queen noticed my sister for her beauty, and she sent her aide-de-camp to ask her if she would lead the ring dance. �e aide-de-camp asked the county head, Živojin Bogdanović, to approach my sister with him and introduce him to her, so that he could ask her to dance the ring dance with him, without knowing what had happened between them in the past. My sister thus led the ring dance, while the queen’s aide-de-camp danced the so-called “ace” position. Živojin Bogdanović took the place between them, and then remained by my sister’s side. �e widow Perunika was very pleased with the honor bestowed upon her daughter-in-law, and went looking for her friend, my father, who was also feeling proud, so that they could enjoy the event together. But soon a�er, the commotion started. When Velja saw Jelka next to Živojin, he stood in front of her, waved his cane, and hit her on the head, shouting, “Go home, who gave you permission to dance?” Everybody fell silent. Aunt Perunika took my sister’s hand and led her home. �at evening my sister returned to my parents’ house and never went back. �e marriage was dissolved, and I will write more later about the way in which my parents’ mistake ruined her life.14 When the beautiful Queen Natalija learned the entire history of the incident and Jelka’s fate, she empathized with her, possibly because she was also unhappy in her own marriage to King Milan. �e arrival of the queen in our town was, in itself, important for everybody, including us children. We wouldn’t eat or rest all day, but ran around in the park in the hope of catching sight of her and admiring her. In the far corner of the park stretched a cricket �eld where the queen played several hours a day, hi�ing the balls so that they would pass through the small wickets made out of iron rods. She was in the middle of a game when she received a dispatch demanding that she

13

14

Bulgaria in 1885. �eir marital con�icts and subsequent divorce in�uenced domestic politics and caused an international scandal when Natalija was expelled from Serbia on May 7, 1891, practically at gunpoint. �e kolo is a group circle dance involving usually a dozen or more people holding hands. Generally each region will have at least one kolo speci�c to that area; a kolo can be very difficult, requiring great skill to master, but many are basic enough that all members of the community can participate. Marriage and divorce in Serbia were under the jurisdiction of the Orthodox Church. Officially, the Orthodox Church considered divorce a tragedy and a source of theological problems. It nonetheless accepted it and remarriage as sometimes inevitable given human weakness and sin. It thus provided a number of concrete conditions under which the husband and wife could legitimately sue for divorce. �ese included, for both men and women, in�delity and plots against the other’s life; for the husband, his wife aborting a fetus or making inappropriate visits or public outings without permission; and for the wife, her husband “unjusti�ably” beating her or making public and inaccurate accusations of in�delity. Jelka perhaps thus had double cause for divorce, as her husband both beat her and publicly impugned her reputation without cause. �e number of such cases is difficult to ascertain. One source suggests divorce was difficult to obtain and rare, while another claims that at least in Serb lands of the Habsburg Empire, it was not at all uncommon.

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return to Belgrade. She le� immediately with no fuss and soon a�er was expelled from the country in a manner unworthy of the Serbian people. We children continued to play queen and king for months a�er her visit, and I was always the ringleader. Except that at that time we didn’t know about the royal couple’s disagreements and played the way we thought kings and queens were supposed to live. Our yard was spacious, so in its most sheltered part, away from the house, we hung up a swing, which we decorated with �owers and branches. Since my own name was Natalija (I was especially proud to have the same name as Queen Natalija) I always played the part of the queen and sat in the swing, while Milan, our neighbor’s son, played the king. Although I was still a child, my parents had already promised me to Milan as his wife, because such was the custom of the time, and also to ensure that their neighbor’s son would listen to them whenever something needed to be done. Natalija and Milan would thus sit royally in the swing, while their “orderlies” pushed it, back and forth. Holding each other in our arms, we would depart on a journey in the royal carriage, while the other children from the neighborhood shouted: “Long live the king and queen, long live,” throwing �owers at us to welcome us to or escort us from various cities. �e barn was the court where we played all day, sliding down the piles of grain, rolling and submerging each other in them. My younger sister, Bela, was my loyal

Natalija’s younger sister, Bela (center), with friends, 1894.

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Natalija’s older sister, Juca, 1892

Natalija’s older sister, Juca, in national costume.

follower and ally in all our adventures. My older sister, Juca, was always serious, a Miss Know-It-All, and she never took part in our fun. She always tried to �nd some way to spite us or to tell on us, so that we would get spanked. She sat all day next to our oldest sister, Jelka, who by that time had already returned to my father’s house, and who spent her time kni�ing stockings, reading, or doing needlework with some older girls; I couldn’t stay in one place in the house for longer than two minutes. Whenever the weather permi�ed, I was outside, running around, the ringleader of all the neighborhood children. My father had a large house on the upper side of the street, in the front, which was built when I was in elementary school. We lived on the upper �oor. �e ground �oor housed two stores, facing the street. One of them we rented out, while the other we used for ourselves. We also had a large, hilly yard behind the houses, and had a well, which only a few privileged people were allowed to use. �e yard was full of all kinds of cultivated fruit, and in the back there were barns and baskets for grain. At the end of the yard, on top of the hill, was an old pear tree, whose trunk was about a meter wide, and hollow inside. �at pear tree always yielded 39

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a lot of fruit, and it was the only tree in the whole area that I did not dare climb, because I was afraid of falling into that hole in its center. Between the “house yard,” which stretched around both houses and was planted mostly with �owers, and the orchard, there was a fence made of wooden planks, which had a door leading to an orchard full of “Hungarian”, and red, and white plum trees. �eir sweet fruit made all those who knew us come to help us pick the plums every year. I knew which fruit was ripening in all the neighbors’ gardens. In the fall, my friends and I would regularly barge into a neighbor woman’s yard armed with sticks and stones, which we banged against her famous pear tree until the grass underneath was covered with the golden fruit. By the time the old woman heard us and hurried out to her yard, we had already grabbed the fruit and escaped to the barn. �en we would sit on benches in the semi-darkness of evening and hurl pears at passersby. We played other pranks too. Sometimes complaints reached my father, and beatings followed, but even that wasn’t enough to tame our li�le gang. �e moment a�er the beatings were �nished, we immediately started looking for new mischief. In the year when our new house was being built, we played all kinds of games in it, the best of which was our theater. Everyone had to sneak an old piece of clothing out of their house and bring it for our wardrobe. We had all kinds of things there, old women’s cloaks, silk waistbands, fezzes, and long skirts. Since we occasionally brought these things without asking, I’m sure our mothers and sisters wondered about certain items, thinking they had misplaced them. Sometimes we had to sneak clothes back into the house. �e entrance fee for our theater was one or two bu�ons, depending on the seat, which is why bu�ons started disappearing all over the neighborhood. Older boys and girls walking the streets in the evening would also come by. �ey had free entry, provided they didn’t tell our parents what went on between those walls. �ere were benches in front of the houses on the street, where our mothers gathered to socialize and discuss current events in town, sometimes forge�ing to put the children to bed. �is gave us an opportunity to play to our heart’s desire in the evenings. We performed plays based on Serbian folktales but also made up and performed other pieces. One evening, I stepped on a rusty nail in a plank that we were using for our stage. �e mothers came running when they heard my screaming. �e other children sca�ered in all directions, but the general manager, producer, and main actress of the theater (me) �rst received a good spanking and was then put to bed. My mother put ashes fried in lard on my leg, which was thought to cure injuries of this kind. A�er that, our performances stopped, but there were other wonderful events, which the adults o�en rewarded with spanking. 40

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�at didn’t bother us too much though, and we always found new tricks and ruses, which were a lot of fun, until we were caught again. At that time the town was ge�ing ready to welcome the young King Alexander Obrenović,15 who was passing through on his way to anointment in Žiča.16 �is was a momentous event for our town. We children were so excited and curious to see the king and his suite, and rushed here and there in anticipation of his visit. On the day of his arrival, the arches on all the houses were decorated, music �lled the air, and �reworks streaked across the sky. Ministers of state appeared in town �rst and then the king. We ran to welcome the king and instantly fell in love with him in his white cadet uniform. �e prime minister and minister of �nance stayed at our big house for three days. �e feast prepared in their honor was also a feast for us. �is was the �rst time I learned about chocolate, and candy, and tiny sugarcoated cookies arranged on colorful paper in tins. As soon as King Alexander le� Arandjelovac, I became desperate. Photographs of the king’s family lined the walls in my father’s house. In one of the pictures, taken just a�er he had ascended the throne, Alexander was dressed in a corporal’s uniform. Still a child, with no moustache, his eyes were �xed upon the viewer. Every day, without anybody noticing, I would go to the large guest room; nobody entered when there were no guests at the house, and I would stand next to the door, gazing at that picture of King Alexander. I shi�ed and changed position, looking at the picture from different angles, but he always seemed to be looking only at me. Once when I was watching the picture, in my imagination I called Alexander to life and climbed onto the bed below the picture and lovingly kissed him. I was lucky that nobody saw me, because they most certainly would have spanked me. I completed elementary school in 1891 as an A student, but then fell ill with a high fever. Since I was a girl, my parents did not intend to send me to high school, but I wanted to continue studying at all costs, and argued with my mother and father about it. Since I was light-headed from the high fever, I must have been too sassy, and my parents thought I had gone crazy. Some old women had talked them into taking me to a monastery to see a priest who would chase the devil out of me. 15

16

Alexander Obrenović, son of Milan and Natalija, was the last ruler of the Obrenović dynasty. Alexander’s reign began in 1889, at the age of 13, when his father had abdicated the throne. Like his father’s, Alexander’s reign was fraught with personal and political scandals. Indeed, Alexander’s marriage to a woman of questionable repute likely contributed to the military coup and bloody assassination of both himself and his wife that �nally brought an end to the Obrenović Dynasty on June 11, 1903. To anoint means literally to grease with perfumed oils or animal fats. In Christian tradition, anointing a king was equivalent to crowning. �e Monastery of Žiča, in central Serbia, was the seat of the �rst Serbian archbishop, St. Sava, and the historical site of coronation for Serbia’s medieval kings.

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I don’t remember where that was, I only know they bathed me in icy water and I barely survived. Later, when I was lying in bed with pneumonia, my Aunt Krstina came to visit from Belgrade. When she heard what had happened, she scolded my mother for what they had done to me and demanded they send me to Belgrade to stay with her while I continued my studies. She took it upon herself to look a�er me as if I were her own child. She convinced my parents by telling them she would also send her daughter, Bisenija, to high school, although high school cost money and they were much poorer than we were. It would be a shame, she said, if they did not do the same for me, since I wanted to go to high school so much. Aunt Krstina was very convincing and angry with my parents for having taken me to that priest, and she gave my parents an earful, telling them that cold water could have killed me. In the end, my parents consented. I remembered Aunt Krstina as a very pre�y, lively, and smart woman, but my mother thought she was not very clever when it came to choosing her husband, which is why she struggled with poverty all her life. She married a county clerk from Kragujevac, a handsome intern, for whom she turned down the proposal of a politician and historian, who later became the chairman of the Parliament and a government minister. Because of some �nancial problem, my Uncle Sima could not advance in his job and remained a clerk until his death. My uncle and aunt lived in Arandjelovac for a while and then moved to Belgrade, where he got a job in the a�orney’s office of Živojin Bogdanović, my oldest sister Jelka’s true love. A�er their departure, my aunt and uncle always wrote to us from Belgrade, inviting Jelka to come for a visit. Jelka didn’t want to go because she had already started a new romance, which also turned out to be tragic. She fell in love with a handsome clerk, Mita, who lived in my father’s old house, and whose apartment she cleaned. In the end, Jelka had to go to Belgrade, because my father decided she would be be�er off marrying Živojin, whose career had advanced, than Mita, a supporter of the Radical Party. And so, one day Jelka had to go to Aunt Krstina’s in Belgrade, where she stayed only a week instead of two months as planned. Later on, when I was already grown up, she told me that while she was in Belgrade she had turned down Živojin’s offer of marriage. She told him she no longer wanted him, because he had not stolen her away from home and prevented her parents from marrying her to another man against her will. However, I still believe that handsome Mita was the real reason for her decision; he was simply more a�ractive and younger than Živojin. As soon as my Aunt Krstina and Uncle Sima had returned to Belgrade a�er visiting us during my illness, my aunt wrote and instructed them to prepare to 42

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send me to Belgrade for school: “You must do it, so that she doesn’t remain blind with good eyes.” She wrote that I would eat with them and their daughters, and live in her house, and that my parents should just send me along. On August 15, 1891 my good mother took me to Belgrade. Although I wanted to go very much, it was a difficult day for me. Before that day I had gathered all the children from the neighborhood, my friends whom I was leaving behind in Arandjelovac, and given them my treasures for safekeeping—my toys piled up in the barn, which they could play with as long as they took good care of them so that I would �nd them again when I returned from Belgrade. You cannot imagine the kind of things I had in that pile, not the kind of toys children play with today. �ey were real toys, the product of our own hands and imagination, which is why we liked them so much. We mostly found our toys on garbage dumps and among discarded things in the a�ics. Among the most valuable were pieces of broken porcelain dishes, shards or broken pieces of vases, cups, and plates. We pretended they were rarities and excavated objects when we played explorers. We discovered and collected sardine cans, and boxes with matches and, when we were hungry, shaped “desserts” of mud and brick shavings into pastry chef cakes. Our collection featured heaps of colorful rags and other junk treasures, as well as rag and paper dolls, which either we or our mothers and older sisters made for us. With a heavy heart I said goodbye to the barn and my friends; they meant more to me than the entire town of Arandjelovac. When we arrived in Belgrade, the ride in a hackney from the station to my aunt’s was too expensive, so my mother and I hired a porter to carry the suitcases and baskets. We went on foot behind him, trudging through muddy passages leading between the courtyards of coffeehouses and old houses to what was a new world to me. My aunt’s apartment consisted of two clean and sunny rooms, with a kitchen and shed some distance away. �e yard was tiny, without a single tree. Compared to our beautiful house and garden in Arandjelovac, it was at �rst quite disappointing. I expected more of Belgrade. But school started soon a�er I arrived, and none of this ma�ered anymore. Besides, I quickly made new friends and later discovered many interesting places in Belgrade where I could play. I went to school twice a day, all the way to the High School for Women on Queen Natalija Street.17 �e 17

�e Više Ženska Škola or High School for Women that Natalija a�ended in Belgrade was founded in 1863, mainly to prepare teachers for the girls’ schools throughout the country. In 1891, a school by the same name was founded in the southern Serbian town of Kragujevac. Natalija would also a�end that school for a year or two before �nishing up at the High School for Women in Belgrade.

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school was located a long way from our house, and the walk was very tiring. All the students were from Belgrade, and at �rst they looked at me, a girl from a small town, with suspicion and haughtiness. Even now, many decades later, I still lovingly remember the old school with its long hallways and large sports hall, where we had gymnastics and later dance classes. A full-length oil painting of beautiful Queen Natalija, looking like a fairy-tale character, hung on the wall. I contemplated her with love and admiration during my gymnastics classes, and felt especially proud of having her name. �is made up for the difference between me and my schoolmates, who had nicer dresses but who were not named Natalija. I was never much of a show-off, and nice dresses did not ma�er to me as much as the haughty a�itude of some of my schoolmates, who weren’t be�er than me in any way, since I was always a good student. My Aunt Krstina and Uncle Sima were good to me, and I always remember them with love and gratitude. And so, I soon felt at home. Instead of doing embroidery as most other girls and schoolmates of mine did, I spent all my free time in the company of my cousins and children from my hometown, whom I loved as my brothers and sisters, sharing everything with them, the good and the bad. My Aunt Krstina did not make me do any housework, because she noticed that I didn’t like it, and so her daughter Bisenija helped her most of the time; all she ever demanded of me was that I study well, which was easy for me, and so I always had free time. We would walk up to the top of Tašmajdan Park, where we all played together, �ipping coins and throwing a small knife into the air so that it would stick into the ground when it landed. I took part in the games equally with the boys. In late fall, when the days grew shorter, our visits to Tašmajdan became less frequent, especially a�er an unfortunate incident in which one boy stabbed another in the stomach with a pocketknife. Although the boy was not seriously hurt, the incident involved an accusation against me for having cheated in a game, and it ruined everything for me. My parents weren’t around to spank me, but even if they had been, my friends always took all my faults upon themselves. �at only made it all much worse, because then I blamed myself for everything that had happened. I loved my friends very much, and I rewarded them for their trust and loyalty by doing the homework they found too difficult. It seems that this was a bit of a disservice to them, although I was only trying to help. My aunt o�en chastised me, not because I wasn’t studying enough—I didn’t have to because I always got the best grades anyway and remembered everything I heard in school—but because I gathered around me all the neighborhood children and they started ge�ing bad grades in school. 44

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I never studied. I paid a�ention in class, because I found everything interesting, and I regularly volunteered in class when the teacher asked who remembered what we had learned. �is is also how I got most of my good grades. My favorite subjects were history, geography, and Serbian language and literature. I always struggled a bit with mathematics, and in this subject the teachers frequently gave me be�er grades than I deserved, not because I knew so much, but because my other grades were so good they did not want to ruin my average. So, unlike my friends, I passed through school easily and with no problems. I �nished the �rst and second grade when we were living at Palilula, near Tašmajdan Park. A�er that, my friends sca�ered, each to a different place. A short time later, we moved to a be�er apartment on a be�er street. Our apartment was in a yard, �lled with �owers, especially roses, a fruit garden, and an enormous almond tree that showered its nuts generously upon us. �e inhabitants of Ratarska Street and their way of life weren’t much different from what I was used to in my hometown Arandjelovac. I was born and raised among ordinary people there, which shaped my character and a�itude towards life and the world around me. I am still today most satis�ed in that kind of environment, where I have always been able to �nd something new and beautiful, more beautiful than in the socalled “high-class” people and places. My Aunt Krstina was a very smart woman who followed world events and the politics of the time. Proud of her literacy and always quick to point it out, she o�en made comments and drew conclusions about the world around her. She chose her company carefully and refused to take part in gossiping and other kinds of “women’s talk.” A�er completing the third grade of high school, I returned to Arandjelovac for good. During the three years of high school, I had only returned home during the long summer vacations, because we could not waste money on traveling, not even for such holidays as Christmas and Easter. Fortunately, I was never ill during all this time. When I came back, I found that circumstances at my father’s house had started to change. My father was involved in the wholesale export of prunes, grains, and pigs. Once when he had prepared several railway carriages of prunes for export, the Austrian border closed. �e prunes turned sour from waiting and my father had to throw them all away, and he had to sell pigs, ready for export, for no money at all. A large number of pigs died, and he had to bury them at his own expense. �ere was no way to preserve those kinds of goods until they could be sold. As a result, my father lost a large part of his property forever, and we had to live from 45

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renting the house in our backyard, part of our new house, and our store. �is is why my further education was brought into question.18 It was around this time that my oldest sister Jelka refused to obey our mother’s and father’s command to marry her former suitor Živojin Bogdanović, who had by this time worked his way up to an “official position” in Belgrade. My sister had already fallen in love with her Mita and would not consider an engagement to her old �ame. �is made my father even more bi�er, and he simply threw Mita out of our house, which he was renting. He also threatened to throw Jelka out of the house and stop feeding her if she continued to see Mita. My father now wanted her to marry Bogdanović at all costs, the same man he had earlier forbidden her to marry, but this time Jelka remained loyal to her new great love and refused to allow her parents to spoil her happiness. She completed a sewing course, partly in Arandjelovac and partly in Belgrade, where she worked for a seamstress. She later opened her own tailor’s shop, or what would be today a fashion salon, at one of the stores in our house in Arandjelovac. She later hired some girls to work for her and the business took off, thank God. My father let it be, �rst because she was no longer costing him any money, and second because she even took it upon herself to pay for my education. I could continue going to school thanks to my good and generous sister. In exchange I helped her keep up a secret relationship with Mita, who had been reassigned to Kragujevac at my father’s intervention. So to Kragujevac I went to continue my education. I loved my sister Jelka very much, because she was as good and sweettempered as my mother, and I have no idea where she found the strength to resist my father. I loved her Mita too, because he was a very handsome man, and I was impressed by the fact that he followed the Progressives. I was a fervent supporter of the Independent Radical Party, following the example of my Uncle Joca, who was a priest and a sworn Radical and at whose house I spent two months that 18

At the end of the nineteenth century, nearly of all Serbia’s exports were livestock and dried fruits, particularly hogs and prunes. �e vast majority of that trade was dominated by the Austro-Hungarian Empire. In 1874, for example, 86 percent of Serbian exports and 78 percent of imports were with Austria. However, toward the end of the nineteenth century, Hungarian livestock and agricultural interests began to compete with those of Serbia, and the Hungarian politicians began to urge Vienna to exclude Serbian imports. �us, while in 1843, Austrian buyers purchased more Serbian hogs than Hungarian, for the �rst time in 1895–96, Hungarians successfully pressured Austria into barring Serbian livestock from entering the market under a veterinary pretext. �is is presumably the event that �nancially ruined Natalija’s father. When the same thing happened some ten years later in 1906, it led to a �ve-year long tariff war between the two countries, known historically as “the Pig Wars.” Serbia, responding to that event, began slaughtering and processing its livestock and sent the processed meat and agricultural goods by railway through Turkey and Salonika to new markets in Germany, France, Belgium, Italy, and Egypt. By 1911, the con�ict was se�led in Serbia’s favor.

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summer. I had a wonderful time at my Uncle Joca’s house and liked him best among all my relatives. He loved me too, and o�en talked to me as if I were an adult. �e large library at his house gave me a special thrill. He subscribed to magazines, so I could sit and read all day, choosing between novels wri�en by Serbian authors and ones wri�en by foreigners. His book collection included mostly secular books, novels, history, and science books. I don’t know where he kept his religious books. I o�en sneaked into my uncle’s room so that I could secretly listen to his conversations with friends about the political situation. Whenever my aunt found me there, she got angry and dragged me out of the room to fetch the sheep with her daughters. My aunt was a li�le jealous that I was ge�ing a school education and her daughters weren’t. �is was why she o�en said, “�ey don’t need it. Dowries are ready for them, so we’ll be able to pick our son-in-laws without it.” At that time, right before the First World War, none of the daughters in our entire family got a school education, except my cousin, Bisenija, and me. It was considered inappropriate for girls to go to school. Girls sat at home kni�ing, doing embroidery and other house chores, and if they wanted to marry a rich or an educated man, they had to have a dowry prepared. �ere weren’t many young men who were willing to marry a girl with no dowry.19 I was an exception, because I went to school in Belgrade and returned to Arandjelovac in the company of my male friends, both older and younger. We shared the same carriage, which was at that time unheard of and considered inappropriate. My aunt must have thought the same, and decided not to send her daughters to school when the time came. My uncle o�en discussed school with me, and was proud when some of his friends said I was his “severed head,” both because of my looks and my brains. He declared, “You’ll be the substitute for the son my wife never had.” I believe my aunt didn’t like the fact that my uncle thought more highly of me than of his own children, precisely because of my schooling. It’s understandable she felt this way as a mother. She otherwise treated me well, and I hold nothing against her. My aunt always served lunch for my uncle separately in his study. During that summer I spent with them, we celebrated Trans�guration by fasting.20 �e rest 19

20

Interestingly, the dowry tradition persisted only in urban Serbia where women were expected to bring wealth and/or status to their marriage. In rural areas, women were in short supply, making up just over 40 percent of the population, and were considered quite valuable. In the Orthodox Church, the Feast of the Trans�guration, celebrated on August 6, is one of the twelve great feasts of the liturgical calendar. It commemorates Jesus’ transformation on the mount as witnessed by Peter, James, and John and reported in the synoptic Gospels. Fruit is traditionally brought to church to be blessed on this day.

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of us who ate together were fasting to receive the Trans�guration communion. I got tired of eating beans and potatoes every day seasoned only with garlic, and was suspicious of my uncle always eating alone in his room. When the day of Trans�guration came, we got up early to get ready. My aunt said, “�ere’ll be no breakfast today.” Hungry as I was, I went outside to walk on the fresh grass around uncle’s house. I was a li�le bit angry, because we never fasted in our house, or perhaps only adults did it. In any event, I wasn’t used to fasting, which was a big deal at a priest’s house. As I walked through the empty yard, I noticed that the dairy was open and when I went in, I saw buckets full of milk. �ere was a layer of cream thick as a �nger on top of each bucket. I don’t know what came over me, but I scooped all the cream from one bucket with my hand and ate it. I quickly wiped my hands and mouth and ran into the yard and then back to the house. Fortunately, no one had seen me. Everyone was preparing to go to church and not paying any a�ention to me. My uncle had le� long before to get ready for service. Now all of us girls headed to the church with my aunt. I had to receive communion, otherwise everybody would know who ate the cream. I took it with a heavy heart, not because I’d sinned—the God who always understood me would do so now—but because I did it to spite my beloved uncle, because he ate chickens and meat in his room, while the rest of us fasted. I was even sadder when I learned that my uncle suffered from tuberculosis and was therefore unable to fast. Since he was a priest, he had to hide it. �is was the reason he ate alone in his room. People sometimes do things they later remember and regret their entire life. At this point, Natalija’s account of her childhood and school years ends. We only have a few fragments of memories preserved by Natalija herself, as well as by her relatives, of the years between her girlhood, when she was a�ending school in Belgrade, and her marriage at the age of 23. A�er completing the third year of high school, Natalija continued her education in Kragujevac, having promised her sister Jelka that she would act as a conduit between Jelka and her beau, Mita, who was working there. Before long, however, Natalija le� her uncle’s house in Kragujevac and returned to Belgrade to �nish her education, for which Jelka continued to pay. A�er graduation, Natalija took up teaching, one of the few occupations open to middle-class women at that time. She seems to have been truly dedicated to this task, however, having grown into a strong conviction that the education of Serbian peasants was of utmost importance to the development of her beloved Serbia. She landed her �rst teaching job in the villages around Arandjelovac and Topola. 48

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Natalija, 1902

By this time, Natalija had grown into a lovely young woman. Tall and graceful, with long, dark hair and soulful brown eyes, she dressed well, though not extravagantly, in the provincial fashions of the day. Gone were the distinctly Turki�ed “town clothes” of her mother’s generation, replaced by the high-waisted, delicately-pa�erned Victorian and Edwardian dresses from the West. With her elaborately bu�oned leather boots and parasol, Natalija looked the very picture of the English genteel classes. She had a beautiful voice to match and was o�en asked to sing at family and public gatherings. Indeed, her rendition of the popular and folk songs of her day seems to have won her admiration from more than one suitor, including her future husband. Despite this ladylike exterior, however, Natalija was anything but conventional. Educated, passionately interested in politics, and not at all afraid to express her opinions on this “manly” subject, she was determined to play a role in building the new Serbia. She read voraciously, was an avid theatergoer, and possessed an enormous curiosity about the world around her. Coming of age with the small but emerging middle class in Serbia, she was conscious of her generation’s crucial role in helping Serbia to modernize and expand. One can easily imagine her, impatiently tucking stray strands of hair behind her ears as 49

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Pastoral scene with friends near Topola where Natalija was a teacher: Natalija is standing in the grass; her sister Juca is in the carriage, 1899.

she exhorts a group of male admirers to reject the latest proposals by the Progressive Party to increase taxation on foreign railway concessions. She may not have been able to vote with the rest of them, but that didn’t stop her from wanting in every way to play her part in the great developments of the day. And great they were, for Serbia was now fully independent, and it was the task and duty of the educated in this generation to determine their country’s fate. It was with this idealism and energy that Natalija set off to her �rst teaching job in Topola. And what a job it was, with a classroom of dirty and scabby pupils, dressed in rags and crawling with lice. As soon as she laid eyes on them, she immediately sent them all home, instructing them to wash, cut their hair, and dress in clean clothes before coming back to school. When the children returned to school the next day looking just as scraggly and dirty as before, she grabbed a pair of scissors, snipped their hair very short, and sent them all home again to wash up. �e school headmaster was an old teacher, who was shocked when he saw the children in tears, with their hair shorn. He told her she shouldn’t have done it, especially since girls wore long braids at the time, and she had ruined their looks by cu�ing their hair. Natalija, who had high hopes and was angry, refused to admit her mistake and instead argued with the head50

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master, trying to convince him she was right. While they argued, parents raced toward the school, carrying hoes, sticks, and other heavy farm implements with which to beat the new teacher who had dis�gured their children. A�er pushing Natalija back inside the schoolhouse, the old headmaster faced the furious parents himself, talking to them until they calmed down and dispersed. Natalija sat quietly inside, frightened, not daring to appear. A�er that she always respected and listened to the advice of the old headmaster, though she continued to wage a war against the backwardness and dirtiness of her pupils and their parents. She always washed a child or two a�er class, combing their hair with a thick comb or disinfecting and dressing their wounds and boils. As a young woman she had a difficult time exerting her authority in the backward environment in which she lived, where her job was to teach not only the children but also their parents. With the men she discussed politics and world events, and with the women hygiene, household chores, and child care, trying to teach and help them. She visited the homes of her pupils, advised their mothers, showed them how to do things, and o�en worked alongside them. She soon got lice herself but washed herself and the children, mended their clothes, and taught them how to be clean and tidy. While Natalija was fully absorbed in the challenges of her teaching position, it was not the only important part of her life. It was also during this time that she met her future husband, Jova, at a luncheon at her parents’ house, and her interest in him deepened over the next �ve years of their acquaintance. Although their romance developed slowly, Jova seemed from the start the perfect match for Natalija. �e son of an Orthodox priest from Bosnia, he distinguished himself among his many brothers and sisters by his determination to get a good education and by his dedication to the challenging and exciting task of building Serbia’s new system of railways. With his handlebar mustache, his piercing blue eyes, and his obvious ambition, Jova was surely a good catch for any provincial girl. But it was Natalija he set his heart on, even though she had no dowry to speak of and li�le patience for the stringent courtship expectations (or customs) of the day. Natalija was no more conventional in her approach to romance and marriage than she was in many other areas. Most girls Natalija’s age had already expended enormous effort on their dowry. �ey were expected to sew and embroider presents for the bridegroom’s family—shirts, scarves, stockings, aprons, and handkerchiefs—as well as clothing suitable for themselves as married women and linens for their new home. And in the end, of course, they were expected to accept the husband their parents chose for them. But Natalija 51

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Natalija and Jova, 1903

had other plans. She would marry for love or not at all, and she would marry a man who could accept a girl with education and plans of her own. �ese things were far more valuable than a dowry, Natalija felt, and her future husband had to think so too. In one of her later diaries Natalija described how she met her husband, Jova Zrnić: I �rst met Jova at my parents’ house in 1897, when he and his friend, both of them young engineers, came to lunch. �ey were working on the Mladenovac– Misač railroad. I was 17 at the time and I had just been given a teaching position as a teacher in the village of Topola. A�er that he came to dinner with two other engineers on the occasion of my father’s slava, and we saw each other again. Five years later, in 1902, when the Mladenovac–Belgrade railroad was under construction, I sang a song about Bosnia, at a ball in Arandjelovac. Jova was there and heard me sing “Bosnia, my poor country…” Although I didn’t know it at the time, my singing seems to have knocked my Bosnian husband completely off his feet. At least that’s what he later always said. Once during a walk at the “Kisela Voda” spa, I tried to match him up with a good friend of mine, who had a big dowry. He told me he was interested in the matchmaker, even without a dowry! 52

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On October 27, of that year, he came on a white horse to Topola. When I came out of my apartment a�er lunch, I saw a rider in the churchyard. He jumped off his horse, handed me a bouquet of �owers, and wished me a happy birthday. I saw then, in his beautiful blue eyes, that I had captured his heart. We aren’t privy to Natalija’s thoughts and feelings during those exciting months and weeks leading up to her marriage, but we can certainly imagine her happiness and her vision of the future. Here was a man to whom she could devote her entire heart and whose work as an engineer she could completely respect; together they would help build their beloved Serbia. And, despite her disdain up until this point for all things domestic, Natalija was captivated by the desire to have children, many children, and begin a home of her own. She might not know yet how to cook and clean, but she could do her part to inspire her children to dedicate themselves to the great task that lay ahead. Natalija, we are sure, went to the altar with a great sense of con�dence in the future that lay before her and her new husband. �e trials and tribulations as well as the joys and triumphs of their lives together are recounted in the following pages of her journal, which Natalija lovingly kept until the end of her life.

Natalija and Jova’s wedding carriage, 18 May 1903.

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Introduction

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Introduction

Chapter 2.

Learning Motherhood

Background

D

uring this period of early motherhood, Natalija was perhaps less engaged with the outside world than at any other time in her life, as her time and a�ention were required by her growing family. �is was a time of relative stability in the Balkans, and indeed in Europe—the Gilded Age of Edwardian England, Emperor Joseph’s Austria, and Kaiser Wilhelm’s Germany. In Serbia, the ascension of a new monarch to the throne, although accomplished in a shockingly brutal manner through the assassination of the king, the queen, and several members of the royal family, brought a sense of renewed purpose to the leadership and the development of democratic life. �e new monarch, Peter Karadjordjević, had translated John Stuart Mill into Serbian and earnestly desired to put his ideas concerning constitutional, enlighted monarchy into practice. And, indeed, the decades that followed have o�en been described as the golden age of Parliamentary democracy in Serbia; while full male suffrage wasn’t quite yet in place, in terms of the percentage of the population entitled to vote, Serbia was third in Europe a�er France and Switzerland. Two political parties dominated both the democratic politics of this period and the lives of those who, like Natalija’s husband Jova, o�en owed their jobs to their support for one or the other party. As an employee of the state-owned railways, Jova worked for the state. He supported the Independent Radicals, who had split from the main political party, the People’s Radical Party, in 1901 to protest the late King Alexander Obrenović’s restrictive new constitution. �e members of the Independent Radical party were younger, more educated, and more urban and o�en, like Jova, possessed great dedication to the task of moving Serbia closer to their European ideal. �e Independents shared or alter55

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nated power with the Radicals in a series of short-lived governments during this period from 1904 to 1907, a time when Serbs made great strides in modernizing their country. Perhaps nowhere was this more apparent than in the construction of a modern rail system, the task to which Jova dedicated his life. Serbia and tiny, neighboring Montenegro were the only countries in Europe that did not have railway systems when Natalija was born. Soon a�er the Great Powers recognized Serbia as an independent country in 1878, Serbia’s leaders undertook to build a modern railway system, beginning with the completion of the Serbian section of the Orient Express. European loans enabled the Belgrade-Niš section of the Orient Express to be completed by 1884 and the remainder by 1888, although the process was interrupted by the collapse of the �rst railway contractors and delayed by disputes among the Great Powers about route priorities. In any case, a great deal remained to be done to connect the southern and rural portions of the country to the capital city. As Belgrade became increasingly cosmopolitan, and the gap between the modern urban and backward rural population grew, the emerging middle and modernizing class saw a railway link as vital to Serbia’s further development. Jova and others succeeded in laying 1,567 kilometers of track by 1914. Despite the modernizers’ success in moving Serbia into the twentieth century, several obstacles confronted them. As in many developing countries, Serbs discovered that although they might be moving forward, they continued to fall behind the rest of Europe. Construction of a railway generally served only to increase the penetration of European manufactured goods, driving out local products and native handicra� industries. At the same time, the Serbian government was saddled with a large debt. Very li�le industrialization took place during this period, as Serbia’s more developed neighbors to the north continued to value its exports in raw materials, chie�y minerals and agricultural products, especially pork and fruit. Moreover, though the new king, Peter Karadjordjević, was pro-Russian in his foreign policy, as was the head of the Radical Party and o�-prime minister Nikola Pašić, Serbia remained �rmly in the Austro-Hungarian economic sphere. Habsburg a�empts to protect Hungarian pork by increasing tariffs on Serbian imports—culminating in the so-called Pig War of 1906— had a direct effect on Natalija’s father’s fortunes. Eventually resolved in favor of Serbia, it was a symbol of the intense excitement and frustration that accompanied the Serbs’ efforts at social and economic development. Within this process of modernization, Jova would literally build Serbia by laying down railway 56

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tracks, but Natalija was just as certain that she was doing her part by raising her children to be good Serbs who would one day carry on with the task of building and uniting the Serbian nation.

Arandjelovac–Para�in (1904) My �rst son Predrag was born on February 21, 1904 in Arandjelovac. He was born on a Saturday, around 9:00 p.m. �e �rst three days he was good, and then he screamed all the way through the third night, until I sang the dancing song to him, which his aunt Bela had sung to him earlier that day, when she carried him around the house in her arms. His belly bu�on fell off on February 25. He was baptized 15 days a�er his birth. He was quiet during the baptizing ceremony, not making a sound. When his godfather1 put a gold Napoleon in his hand, he immediately threw it away.2 I didn’t a�end the ceremony although he was baptized at home. While we were at my father’s house, my mother and sisters were with me so they helped me with the baby, doing most of the work, while I rested and enjoyed myself. Until that time I had never done any housework. When I was in school, I wasn’t living at home, and when I was staying with my aunt, she didn’t want me to do any housework. I didn’t exactly �ght to be allowed to do housework. When I got married, I didn’t know how to do anything. I really needed the help of my mother and sisters, who were more skilled at everything than I was. Everybody at my father’s house was overjoyed when Predrag was born, especially grandfather Nikolica, who was thrilled to have a grandson. A�er we moved, Dragan [Predrag’s nickname] was whiny, and I got a boil on my right palm. I don’t know what I would have done had my sisters not come to help me do everything with the baby and around the house. But by that time I also had to do many things alone and learn how to do housework. Since I had le� work a�er I married, I had more time than knowledge to do housework. But my love for my husband and child helped me do the work I never liked doing. 1

2

When the kum serves as a godfather, one of his most important roles is to select the child’s name at the child’s baptism. Many children have one name given to them by their parents until the christening ceremony and then receive their given name from the kum. �e Napoleon coins were �rst minted in 20-franc denominations in France between 1805 and 1807. �ey weighed 6.45 grams and were .900 gold. Later French gold coins were also usually referred to as Napoleons. �e godfather pu�ing the coin in the baby’s hand signi�es that it was a gi� to the child, though it was, of course, to be kept by the parents until the child was of age.

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Natalija and Dragan in Arandjelovac, 1904.

In June we moved to Paraćin because of Jova’s work. I was completely separated from my family. I was no longer able to rely on their help, but instead had to manage alone the best I could. Dragan cried a lot during that time, possibly because I didn’t know how to do many things. We spent the summer at the Sveta Petka monastery. By that time Dragan was already �ve months old, and I was able to manage on my own quite well. I will never forget that lovely summer we spent in that wonderful forest and in that beautiful nature. I always liked to spend time outside in nature, and all the beauty around us �lled me with happiness and joy. Jova would get up early and have breakfast. Dragan and I said goodbye to him before he went out into the �eld. I was happy to make the best lunch for him so that his colleagues, whose wives were in Belgrade, would envy him. In the a�ernoon I prepared a snack and took Dragan in a stroller to the mountain. I still remember the lovely smell of lilacs, as we walked along the Grza River and then climbed to where the engineers were staking out the route for a new road. Jova would come to meet us to prevent us from being a�acked by the dogs gathered around the co�ages of the shepherds. When we arrived on the mountain, I put Dragan on a blanket to rest in the shade, and Jova, all sweaty from work, kept running over to him to kiss him. He 58

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called out to me: “My Gypsy, are you hot?” I watched him happily and in my thoughts imagined kissing him. Many times I also ran up to him to kiss him when the others were busy working, and he would shine with happiness and pride, but for the sake of others, he would say, “Go away, you fool, don’t disturb me.” I was extraordinarily happy in those days and believe I will always remember that time. When I married Jova, he was an engineer working on the construction of the Arandjelovac–Mladenovac railroad. Once when Jova’s contractor didn’t do his job properly, Jova pulled down the columns for the Arandjelovac–Banja bridge at Liparić, because the concrete didn’t match the quality required by the plan. Four months later that contractor became the Minister for Construction. �ough his position now allowed him to go a�er Jova in order to get revenge, something that many in his place would have done, he instead gave Jova a medal and contracted him to work on the Paraćin–Zaječar railroad. I mention this to show that honest people do exist. He probably knew that the damage might have been even greater if Jova had not done what he did. Still, many in his place probably wouldn’t have admi�ed their mistake. Para�in (1905) I stopped breastfeeding Dragan in September. In October, his two lower teeth came in, then two upper teeth in November. Around October 5, Jova’s brother Luka came to visit. Luka is a history professor in Belgrade and single, although he is older than Jova. He is very caring towards me and the children. He brought Dragan a highchair and a stroller. He came again over Christmas. Dragan was already able to eat the chocolate candy Luka brought for him. In January 1905 Dragan blew his �rst kiss and learned how to show “where a rabbit goes to drink water.” He is already starting to say “Grandma,” “Daddy,” and “Mummy,” and to offer his hand goodbye. He likes taking a bath and splashing water all around. Dragan was ill from January 27–30. It started with vomiting, diarrhea, and high fever, and since his molars were coming out at the same time, he cried a lot. I had a hard time without my mother and sisters; we called the doctor. I get frightened in situations like this and don’t know what to do. When my mother was around, she knew exactly what to do without a doctor’s help. Dragan is now well again, so I feel relieved. On Sunday, February 20, we celebrated Dragan’s �rst birthday. We are both completely focused on the baby. He’s the only thing we see. �at is why I write 59

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only about him, but let me add that I’m very happy. Jova is caring and good, and our life is wonderful. He earns enough money and we don’t lack in anything. Jova took out an insurance policy with the Belgrade co-op, because he believed that was a good thing now that we have a child. He thinks of everything, so I don’t have many worries except to look a�er the baby. For Dragan’s birthday we organized a dinner party for about 20 people, mostly Jova’s colleagues. On the same day, we received a wire that Jova’s father had died in Bosnia. Jova was unable to go to the funeral, because he is registered as a deserter in Bosnia. Instead of serving in the Austrian army, he swam across the River Sava. He was sorry he wasn’t able to go, but he would get arrested there and God knows what would happen to him.3 On Saturday, April 2, 1905, at around 1:30, a baby girl was born. On April 9, Jova’s brother, Luka, came to see the new baby. Dragan got from his uncle Luka a new, white suit. My sister Bela came to stay with us before I gave birth, and she immediately took over all the household duties and looking a�er Dragan so that I could stay in bed for a week and concentrate on the baby. My mother had told Bela I had to get rest and stay in bed so that I could stay healthy. I doubt my mother’s circumstances allowed her to do the same when she had us, but perhaps that’s why she lost some of her children. On the 13th of April the baby’s belly bu�on fell off. She was baptized on the third day of Easter, and we named her Margita. We chose Svetozar Arandjelović, Jova’s colleague, to be her godfather. He was also Dragan’s godfather. He wanted the children to have Serbian names, and in Dragan’s case that’s what he did. When looking for girls’ names he looked at folk songs and found a song about a duke and a girl called Margita. �is is how our Mila got her name. I think some Hungarian girl walked into a Serbian folk song, but in any case our daughter got a Hungarian name. What is done is done, but we’ll continue to call her Mila, as we did before she was baptized. Her name is too long anyway, and she’s very pre�y, which is why “Mila” suits her.4 3

4

At this point, while Serbia was a fully independent state, Bosnia was still ostensibly part of the O�oman Empire but, in accordance with the Treaty of Berlin, administered by the Austro-Hungarian Empire. �e religious and national composition of Bosnia was mixed, consisting at that time of approximately 44 percent Orthodox Serbs, 23 percent Catholic Croats, and 32 percent Muslim Slavs. Serbia’s national territorial ambitions clearly included the acquisition of most, if not all of Bosnian territory. Accordingly, relations between the AustroHungarian Empire and Serbia as well as its relations with Serbs in the Empire were extremely tense. Aside from all that, three years of active military duty was obligatory for all males in the Austro-Hungarian Empire. Once Jova �ed the country to avoid service, he was considered a deserter and would have been subject to a courtmartial had he returned. Mila means “pre�y” or “dear” in Serbian.

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Natalija, Dragan, and Mila, in Ćuprija, 1906.

Ćuprija (1905–1906) On May 1, I took Mila out on the street for the �rst time. When we were walking, Dragan fell and cut his eyelid on a small tin trumpet. Fortunately, he did not hurt his eye. He is restless and I can’t even turn around without him hurting himself. He loves his li�le sister very much, but he’s still li�le himself, so we have to be careful that he doesn’t hurt her out of sheer love. My sister Bela is a lot of help to me, and I’m happy that she’s still with us. She does most of the work and keeps me company, and the children are very fond of her. Mila is starting to smile, especially when she sees her aunt. �e two of them understand each other, and whenever they’re together they are both happy. In June we went to see my parents in Arandjelovac. My mother and sister each wanted to spend time with the children, so I had a really good rest. �e weather was beautiful; the children played in the park with their aunts. On June 30 we got ready to go to Ćuprija. Jova will work there on securing the Morava River from �ooding. He went to Belgrade again on a business trip. 61

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On July 1, Jova returned from Belgrade, and on July 2, we moved to Ćuprija. On July 3, Jova, his nephew Svetko, and my sister Bela, who helped us around the house, returned to Arandjelovac, then Jova went to Belgrade again for business. I remained alone with the children, but not for long, because on July 9, Jova’s sister Seja and brother Vasa came to visit from Bosnia and stayed until the 20th, when we all went to Arandjelovac together, so that they would meet my parents. Four days later we returned to Ćuprija. At the end of July we started to bathe in the Morava River. �osewerewonderful day trips. �e children were healthy and we had a good time. In September the children and I went to Arandjelovac, and we all took pictures together. We had a nice time with my mother and sisters, and my father was very happy to spend time with his grandchildren. He seems especially proud when he’s taking Dragan to the park, probably because he never had a son, although he wanted one his entire life. He adores Dragan and has managed to spoil him completely within a very short time. Mila is still too li�le for him to know what to do with her, so her grandmother and aunts spend most of their time with her. When we returned to Ćuprija, Dragan hit himself in the eye with a hair curler, so we took him to the hospital where Dr. Selimir cut through a boil on his eyelid. Fortunately, the eye wasn’t hurt again. Bela came with us when we returned from Arandjelovac, to help with the children, and we had a servant to do the hard work around the house. We lived quite comfortably then. In October Juca also came to visit, so both of my sisters were staying with us. I went to Belgrade with Jova, because I was able to leave the children at home. When both of them were with the children, I knew it was the same as if I was there, and I didn’t worry at all. We had a great time in Belgrade, as if we were on a honeymoon. When we returned, they told us the children had been good the whole time. I don’t know whether they were really that good, or whether their aunts had spoiled them ro�en during that time. �ey let them do all kinds of things, and do many more things for them, so they lost all their discipline. But the most important thing is that they were healthy and happy—they had obviously been looked a�er with a lot of love. Bela and Juca went home, and soon a�er that the �rst snow fell. In mid-October the Morava River rose quite a lot. By that time Mila had already started to talk quite a bit. In November Dragan fell and cut his forehead with a piece of wood he was holding in his hands. Whenever I’m le� alone with the children, something like this happens. 62

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Mila and Dragan, in Ćuprija, 1906

I got pregnant again around November 1. In December I started vomiting and feeling nauseous, so I had to stop breastfeeding Mila. I didn’t feel well, so my older sister, Juca, came to help me with the children and I immediately felt be�er. I could rest and lie down whenever I wasn’t feeling well, because I sometimes felt so nauseous that I fainted, and right at that time the children started crying. Juca had taken over all the work at the house, and I could work only when I actually felt able to. A�er I had rested a bit, we even started going out and went to the theater. I don’t know what I would do if it weren’t for my sister Juca. She is quiet and calm and doesn’t panic the way I do, although she loves the children just as much. She reacts to everything calmly and peacefully, as is her way. She is therefore able to do more for the children and help them more than I am, and even has time to calm me down and comfort me. I don’t know why I’m having a harder time with the third pregnancy. Perhaps it came too soon, and my body didn’t have enough time to recover from the previous ones. �is is the �rst time I’ve really been worried, because I haven’t felt this sick before. I hope everything turns out well with the baby. I think I’ve become nervous and tearful. I have no patience for anyone and am constantly in a bad mood. 63

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My other sisters arrived on Dragan’s birthday. Now they are all around me and they have prepared everything for the birthday party, while I rested. �ey didn’t allow me to do anything, because they’re worried that I’m pregnant again. God bless the helping hands, as my mother says. I had a really nice time when they were there. I felt rested for the party, and we all had a wonderful time. A�er the party, they le�, and the house suddenly felt too quiet. Valjevo (1906–1908) In March 1906, Dragan fell ill with pneumonia. He was sick for a week, and Dr. Stevanović, a poet, treated him. For the second time we shaved Dragan’s head; his hair is still weak and �uffy, and they say that cu�ing it helps it get stronger. Mila’s hair is already thicker and black, while he is blond like Jova. Both children still have a cough.5 At the end of March we began packing for the move to Valjevo. Mila is already able to walk around the whole room alone, holding onto the furniture. Dragan has lately started hi�ing Mila, so I can’t leave them alone for a minute, otherwise I can’t �gure out whose fault it was and what happened. March 31, 1906

We le� Ćuprija and went �rst to Arandjelovac, where the children and I stayed with my parents, until Jova was able to �nd suitable accommodations. On April 2, we celebrated Mila’s birthday at her grandparents’ house, and on the ��h I felt the new baby move for the �rst time. April 9, 1906

We have arrived in Valjevo. �e children endured the trip well, so we didn’t have any problems and all arrived healthy. We brought a puppy called Zelja along from Arandjelovac, because the children wouldn’t be separated from it. It took us several days to get se�led and to get everything in order. Dragan knows most words now, but he makes mistakes. I correct him all the time, but to no avail. Mila repeats everything a�er Dragan, which is bad because she’ll also learn to speak incorrectly as he does. She has learned how to give and send a kiss. 5

Natalija may also have shaved her children’s heads to ensure the absence of lice, which were responsible for a deadly typhus epidemic in the nineteenth century, though she doesn’t mention that here.

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Dr. Pavić pulled out the last molar in my lower le� jaw. My teeth have started going bad, probably because of the frequent births, so I’m going to the dentist to get them �xed. It’s too early for me to lose my teeth. My older sister Juca stayed with us a�er our arrival in Valjevo and helped us a lot with the children and with ge�ing se�led in. On May 19, Juca and Jova went to Belgrade. When we were le� alone, Mila got smallpox. Dragan talks about his aunts a lot, especially my younger sister Bela, and says, “I want to go to Aunt Bela to go tchi-tchi.” He remembers the carousel in Arandjelovac, where she used to take him. May 22, 1906

Jova returned from Belgrade. He brought Mila her �rst doll. Oh, how happy she was. I recently made a huge cake for Holy Trinity and put it in a large box on the table.6 While I �nished the rest of the work, the children were playing quietly. �is made me suspicious, so I peeked into the room to see what they were doing. I saw that Dragan had pushed a chair to the table and climbed onto it, and was reaching out for the cake and handing it over to Mila, who was pu�ing it in her lap. I could see that they intended to sit down under the table and feast. I gave Dragan a good spanking and made him stand in the corner. Mila came a�er him, and started to pull on his sleeve and kiss him. �en she burst out crying. I was sorry I had spanked him. If only I wouldn’t get angry so quickly. Dragan and Mila get along well now and play together. One day Dragan was marching around the room, shouting, “Un, to, folwald malch, Mina,” and she repeats a�er him, mispronouncing the words even more, so it’s difficult to understand her. May 31, 1906

Mila tripped on a wooden step and fell headlong into the basement. Her entire forehead is banged up. She hit her head above the le� eye and cut her forehead above the right eye. Fortunately, there were no other serious consequences, except for the blows to the head. She has a tiny scar, a small indentation in the middle of her forehead. Our new maid Jelena le� the basement open, so the accident happened when Mila was playing with Dragan and tripped on the doorstep. Dragan shouted, “Daddy, Mila boop into the basmen.” 6

Holy Trinity or Pentecost celebrates the descent of the Holy Spirit on the Apostles on the ��ieth day a�er the resurrection of Christ. It normally takes place in late May or June.

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We came running and it truly was a scary sight. We were frightened, but it was all �ne in the end. I have made walnut dessert for the �rst time, and it turned out well. I had enough for three jars. It rained a lot lately. June 3, 1906

Last night drums warned people of �ooding. �e rivers Kolubara, Gradac, and Ljubostinja are rising. Dragan woke up and said, “Daddy, bang boom boom,” and then fell asleep again.7 June 6, 1906

We bought 16 kilos of lard and for the third time shaved Dragan’s head, and for the �rst time also Mila’s head. �ey both look like white pumpkins. Mila was sick again and Jova went to Belgrade on business. He stayed for two days and then came back. He bought a beautiful porcelain doll for Mila, but she dropped it the same evening and it broke. Dragan got a hat, a suit, some shoes, and a beautiful horse. He was so happy he went completely crazy. Mila is starting to develop a mean streak; she keeps pulling Dragan’s hair and telling him, “Get lost!” We all went to Pećina Lake.8 We went for a boat ride, which the children liked the best. �en Dragan and Mila collected snails on the shore and played with them. It was late when we came back and we were tired but happy. �e children fell asleep soon a�er. June 10, 1906

I did laundry all day, together with a woman who was helping me. Early the next morning we rinsed and hung it up, so that it dried during the day today. June 11, 1906

We ironed all day today, until the evening, when I got the children ready and we went to meet their father. We returned with him and two of his fellow engineers. Dragan was walking with them and when we reached the bridge, he started to cry: 7 8

�e use of drums to communicate information and orders was common in villages and towns throughout towns until a�er the Second World War. Petnićka Pećina is an archeological and tourist site with a lake and caves about 8 km from Valjevo.

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“Daddy, Dragi has no shoo.” And indeed, he was missing a shoe, which had got stuck between the wooden planks on the bridge. We walked back and found it. We were surprised that we hadn’t even noticed when he lost his shoe, and laughed about it. June 27, 1906

We went to the theater this evening. �e children slept peacefully all night. Today I spent the whole day cleaning the house and cooking. In the evening the children and I went for a walk with their father. I worry about Dragan, because the moment someone touches him, he shouts, “Get lost!” Yesterday he said to our maid Jelena, “Lelena, go to hell.” I don’t know who taught him that. July 13, 1906

We stayed at home all day, and in the evening Jova and I went to the theater to see “China.” We stayed at the theater until 1:00 a.m. �e children were sleeping when we returned, but Dragan woke up and said, “Tomollow daddy takes me slimming,” and then went back to sleep. July 14, 1906

I picked up and cleaned the guest room in preparation for the slava celebration. We’re in the process of painting the kitchen. I got a nice picture postcard from St. Germain near Paris from my brother-in-law Luka. July 15, 1906

Last night a group of gentlemen woke us up. �ey stopped in our street and partied by shooting, singing, and playing music. Jova opened the window and shouted at them to leave because the children were asleep, and they eventually le�. July 17, 1906

We again went to Pećina Lake and took a boat trip. Jova rowed while I steered. Dragan and Mila collected a lot of snails. He found many small ones, and we were surprised he could even see them. Mila noticed we were looking for something, so she also squa�ed and started searching. She found a stone and took it over to Jova. When we walked back, Mila walked by herself the whole way. She insisted on carrying the umbrella like a grown-up and folded a collar over her arm to make herself pre�y like a young girl. 67

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We stopped at a café and the moment she saw grilled meat sticks, she shouted, “Daddy, I want some meat and beel,” so we had to give her some. We ate dinner there. July 21, 1906

Today is the second day of the St. Elijah holiday (we’re using the old calendar). I barely found the time to rest. I was cleaning the house and making pastries for the slava up until last night.9 Yesterday we commemorated the death of Jova’s father for the �rst time. Dragan was the one breaking the bread. I was trembling with excitement and almost cried from joy when I saw him hold and turn the bread in his hands. As li�le as he is, he looked very serious, as if he knew he was doing something important. For the �rst time I was proud of my son. 10 We had many guests at the slava. Our landlady and Lieutenant Raka Živković came to lunch, as well as Miss Draga, who helped me serve. A�er lunch Jova’s colleagues arrived, both the married ones with their wives and the single ones, so we danced, sang, and sat together. �en we had dinner and sat some more until eleven in the evening. It was nice and jolly, and I think all the guests were pleased. July 24, 1906

Yesterday a�ernoon we took the children to the concert of the Society for the Improvement of Valjevo and Its Surroundings. An orchestra and acting troupe participated in the program. At �rst Dragan was interested in the stage, so during the program he took Mila by the hand and led her to the stage to listen to the orchestra. Soon a�er he lost interest in the music and started running around the terrace. He climbed onto the fence, and when I saw him there I screamed. We had to struggle to get him off the fence and put him back in a chair. When I wouldn’t let him get off the chair anymore, he yelled as loud as he could during a break in an actor’s recital: “Jovo, my daddy, I wanna get down.” 9

10

Natalija and Jova celebrated their family’s main slava on St. Elijah’s day, which was on July 20 according to the old calendar, or August 2 by the new one. Natalija used the old Julian calendar, which is 13 days behind the new Gregorian calendar, in her diary until a�er the First World War. Even today, however, the Serbian Orthodox Church (along with the Russian Orthodox Church) determines some of its religious holidays according to the old calendar. In the Orthodox faith, memorials for the departed are held on the fortieth day, and then yearly on the anniversary of the death. One traditional memorial rite is to make a special sweet bread, known as St. Phanourious bread, and then either give it to the poor or share it with seven other people. �is may have been the bread that Dragan was breaking.

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He misbehaved badly and was the worst of all the children there. We couldn’t control him. I can no longer take him along to such performances until he’s a bit older, so that we can explain to him that he has to be quiet. We had dinner at Pećina Lake and around eight o’clock returned home. �e midwife came for a visit today to see how I was doing. She was encouraging, but I could see she was also worried about me ge�ing pregnant again so soon. �is in turn got me worried about the third childbirth. I keep having nightmares and am in a bad mood. July 28, 1906

�ismorningDraganwentwithJovaforawalkbeforelunch,asusual.�eywalked around the marketplace to look at the produce, when Jova noticed his wedding ring was missing. �ey turned around to go home and on the way Jova tried to remember where he might have lost the ring. Dragan kept digging through the sand on the side of the road, as he always does, and said, “Here, I �nd in the sand, here.” Jova looked at him and saw his wedding ring. It’s a true coincidence that he found it there. I put it in a box so Jova won’t wear it until we have it tightened. On Saturday we stayed at home. I did the laundry with the help of a woman. We washed everything that was dirty, so that I won’t be caught unprepared by the delivery. On Sunday we all went to Pećina Lake on foot. Mila walked by herself the entire trip. When we returned in the evening, we were all tired, so we went to bed early. Mila was in bed with me, lying on her back waving her arms and legs. She said, “Daddy look, Mila chase �y.” She also speaks incorrectly, but one can already understand her. �e hired woman and I did the ironing on Monday, and today we shook out all the carpets and washed the �oors in all the rooms. Everything is ready now, if only the baby would arrive. Jova’s nephew, Svetko, sent us word that he would soon come to visit. Jova and I spent a long time talking in bed last night. I am terri�ed of this birth. I keep thinking something terrible is going to happen, as if I have some kind of premonition. As soon as I’m alone, I get sad and start crying. I keep having bad dreams and bad and crazy thoughts. I keep thinking I will die, and am worried what will happen with them, especially the children. My dear God, take pity on me and preserve my life for the bene�t of all those whom I love and who need me. My dearest Mila, I cover her all over with kisses and then burst into tears. She is sometimes cuddly, but can also be roguish and playful. She looks at me wondering why I am crying. And I don’t know myself. I simply cannot recognize myself; I’ve never been this way. But that’s exactly what worries me. 69

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August 5, 1906

Mila had an upset stomach yesterday and a fever all night. �is morning I gave her a bath and put some nice oil on the crown of her head. I then rubbed her down with oil and alcohol, and then put a rag soaked in alcohol on her stomach. I made her chamomile tea, and she fell asleep a�er she drank it. A�er that she felt be�er. At noon I got stomach cramps. When they became frequent I noticed a small discharge with some blood in it. With God’s help, I will give birth by tomorrow. August 6, 1906

Metamorphosis. Last night, on a Saturday, I gave birth to our third child. I went into labor around four o’clock in the a�ernoon and was in greatest pain just before seven-thirty. It was 7:25 p.m. when our son was born. He cried for a while, until eleven, and then started sucking and fell asleep. He was named Božidar before Christening. He slept until six-thirty in the morning, then he woke up and was still quiet. I stayed awake all night. It wasn’t a difficult delivery, and I wasn’t feeling sick— I was anxious but also happy. August 7, 1906

Both the baby and I slept well all night. He’s been sleeping all morning a�er taking a bath. My good sisters Juca and Bela came to help out as soon as they heard. �ey have already taken over all the work, so it’s peaceful and quiet at the house. I got breakfast in bed and can rest peacefully now. August 9, 1906

Jova’s nephew Svetko and Bela went to Arandjelovac yesterday morning, but Juca stayed with us. It was raining all night. I am feeling well. Boža, the baby, is well, and he’s already go�en used to being carried around. He vomits as soon as I start breastfeeding him. I don’t have enough milk, and he gets furious when he’s hungry. He has thin blond hair like Dragan and his father. Dragan likes him a lot and wants to kiss him all the time. Mila only laughs at him. Dragan pulls up a chair next to the bed, and sits on it to kiss him. �e baby is crying now, but I have no milk. It seems that his crying scares Mila away. August 10, 1906

Jova didn’t feel well last night. He was shivering and had a fever. Juca made tea for him, so he went to bed early. Baby Boža was crying almost until eleven o’clock. He must be hungry, and I still don’t have any milk. I feel like crying aloud when I 70

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remember how some mothers who have enough milk refuse to breastfeed their babies. I would be happiest if I didn’t have to give my children additional food from the very beginning. I have to wait a day or two before I start giving him additional food because he is still too small. I am worried about the green color of his stool. He is weaker than Mila and Dragan were at this age. I gave him some chamomile tea with a li�le bit of sugar, but that’s nothing. August 11, 1906

�e baby slept until noon today, and then, before we all gave him a bath, he pooped into the po�y. Mrs. Mila gave him blue socks. When we baptize him, Boža will become Slobodan, and we’ll call him Danko. During my last pregnancy they had to take out my two molars. I now feel quite well, and have go�en out of bed to help out around the house a bit. I made my bed. So far Juca and Jelena, the maid, have been doing all the work. Everything is clean and neat around the house, so there isn’t anything for me to do. Jelena went to the market to get groceries, and the children remained in the yard. I lay down again, because I thought there was nothing for me to do, and Juca was busy in the kitchen making lunch. For a short while the children were le� alone. It was only a short time before Mila fell into a big pot of water. She was wet from head to toe, but fortunately she fell on her back, otherwise she might have drowned. Juca came when she heard her crying, and now she’s playing again as if nothing happened. August 13, 1906

Danko, the baby, slept long last night, from ten in the evening until eight in the morning. When I give him additional food, he sleeps well at night. �is morning we paid the midwife 50 dinars. When I had Dragan, we took a simple midwife, a woman called Polka. She got 5 dinars in food and 35 in cash. Now, for Danko, we took Miss Danica, who is very pre�y, lively, and a smart girl. We became good friends while she was coming over. She came o�en before the delivery as well. August 14, 1906

Yesterday Danko was good all day and kept smiling. Dragan, Jova, and Juca went to a concert in Pećina, and this a�ernoon Jova and Juca went to the theater. Mila and Danko were good, so I could rest. Danko’s belly bu�on is completely healed now. His godfather sent us word that he can’t come all the way from Zaječar for his baptizing ceremony, but he sent us the name, and we agreed. Mila is quite 71

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a devil now. She keeps picking the grapes, and plays everywhere. Yesterday she dragged a chair over to the well and climbed up to see what was down there. We were petri�ed when we saw what she was doing. Someone has to watch her every step. She is curious and fears nothing, so one never knows what might happen to her. Jova’s brother Luka informed us this morning that he had arrived in Belgrade. He doesn’t even know about his li�le nephew. August 16, 1906

Yesterday a�ernoon Dragan went with Jova and Juca to Pećina Lake. I stayed at home because the midwife came. �e baby is healthy and sleeps well. Jova and I spent a long time talking in bed last night. He told me about his work. August 19, 1906

Jova had a �ght with Uncle Sima today about Sima’s garden. Dragan asked him to give him some corn from his garden. Sima refused and chased him away. Jova felt sorry for the child and told Sima to give Dragan the corn, that he would pay for it. Sima replied that Dragan would think it was acceptable to pick Sima’s corn, and so, word for word, they ended up having a �ght. I got so upset I didn’t want to eat lunch, and then got a terrible headache, which lasted all a�ernoon. I don’t like to argue with the neighbors, especially not over such pe�y things as two ears of corn. On the other hand, the children have to learn that they can’t get everything they want. I think that Jova wasn’t right on this. He should have taught the child that other people’s property shouldn’t be touched, and that’s it, rather than argue with an old man. Juca clipped Dragan’s nails, and he a�erwards brought the dog in to cut his nails too. August 20, 1906

Danko is �nally being baptized today. I went to write this, because they say that what the mother does while her child is being baptized, the child will do all his life. I hope to God that Slobodan will be a good student, and make a name for himself. He is weaker than the other children, so he should stay away from hard work. He’s now crying as loud as he can because they’ve woken him up. August 21, 1906

Danko has consciously smiled for the �rst time. Jova’s nephew, Svetko, arrived from Arandjelovac this evening. He brought baskets full of food from my parents. We carried the baby out on the street while he was asleep. 72

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August 25, 1906

Today Svetko, Dragan, and I went to the market twice. Svetko and Dragan went a third time and, when they came to the hotel, Dragan didn’t want to go any further until they had stopped for a beer. �ere is no doubt that they were both tired, so they both must have enjoyed the beer. �e li�le one is doing well. He no longer wears diapers, and I always dress him in a skirt and a baby shirt, so that he can play with his hands. He is less hot this way and behaves be�er. His hair is almost two centimeters long, but it’s thin and so�, like feathers. Mila’s and Dragan’s hair also grew well a�er they had it cut. Dragan’s hair is now quite strong. September 9, 1906

Yesterday, Dragan, Svetko, and Juca went with Miss Vinka, the technician, to her estate in Mionica. �ey were gone all day. �e rest of us went to Pećina Lake in the a�ernoon, and then for a beer with Mila. �is was Dragan’s �rst time away from us. �e moment he returned, he hugged Jova on the street and asked him, “Daddy, where is Mina?” When he saw her in the house, he kissed her on the cheek and on a leg and wouldn’t be separated from her until they went to bed. He feels closest to her because they play together all day. September 14, 1906

My sister Juca and Svetko, Jova’s nephew, le� this morning. �e weather has cooled down. Jova went to the �eld two days ago. �ey still haven’t come back. I decided to take on a peasant as a servant. He is in the �rst year of grammar school and his name is Miloslav Tabaković. He is an unrestrained and jolly fellow. He smiles and is healthy, but hiccups constantly. September 16, 1906

Jova went back to a neighboring village to hand over his route to a contractor. He didn’t come home for lunch. I expected him to come. I am making tomato sauce, and the children are restless. September 21, 1906

Jova has recently been spending a lot of time in the �eld, despite all the rain we’ve had. Mila and Dragan play together and kiss each other all day.

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Jova, Natalija, Jova’s brother Luka, Dragan, Danko, and Mila, in Valjevo, 1906.

Last time Jova was away, he bought Mila a 20-dinar doll. Mila kissed her all day, and in the evening Dragan tore off her head, and Mila burst out crying. I gave him a good spanking. In the evening, a�er Jova had returned from the office, Mila, screaming with sadness, showed him her doll, Mina. She could hardly look at it broken as it was. We had a hard time calming her down. September 25, 1906

Jova and his brother Luka both arrived on Saturday evening. We were very pleased to see them. Dragan immediately went to Luka and stayed with him the whole evening. Mila is shy and it took her some time to approach him, but when she did she too wouldn’t be separated from him. �ey were �ghting for his a�ention. Luka always brings presents for the children. Mila got a pre�y li�le doll and a pair of earrings. Dragan got a trumpet and pictures for pu�ing in a sequence, and Danko got ra�les and balls. I got a beautiful coat, perfume, and a manicure set, and Jova got a collar and a bowtie. Last night Luka and I talked until eleven o’clock about the house, Bosnia, him and the children. I learned a great deal about their family in Bosnia and how things are over there. He is older than Jova, and still single. I think he should get married, because he likes children and having a family. 74

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Luka le� for Belgrade this evening. Jova went to see him off and then returned. �is morning he went with the post office carriage to Divci. From there he will go to Slavac and Jabučje. I don’t know when he’ll return. I am angry with him since he didn’t even take a blanket. I’m certain he’ll get a cold, because there was an unexpected but heavy rainfall in the a�ernoon. I am worried, and this makes me nervous, so I got angry with the children and gave Dragan and Mila a spanking. I made quince jelly and quince preserve for the winter. Danko started screaming, both of them were making a noise and clinging onto me while I was busy, it had already go�en dark, and I was worried about Jova. �e jelly was still hot and I was afraid the children or I would get burned, so I lost control and gave the children a really good spanking. I was sorry a�erwards, but it was too late. Jova is always composed; something like this would never happen to him. I then put Danko on the po�y, and he went because I massaged his belly. A�er that he immediately fell asleep. Later on, the other two fell asleep as well. I am tired, but don’t feel like going to bed because Jova still hasn’t come. September 27, 1906

Jova returned from the trip at 1:00 a.m. yesterday. �is morning he went to Divci again. �e children are behaving well. October 6, 1906

Jova spent the night in Loznica, and he came home at noon the next day. I got a fever in the evening, which lasted all night. I still don’t feel well and have a bad headache. Danko is healthy and a good baby, I have no problems with him. Mila and Dragan took jam to eat and smeared it all over themselves like li�le piglets. I had a fever and shivers all day, but I am not staying in bed because I can’t. I’m afraid of ge�ing an infection, though. I hope to God I will live to see the day when my children will be old enough to appreciate my efforts. October 8, 1906

Jova came in the evening and immediately called the doctor, who prescribed that I take water from cinchona tree bark every two hours. Last night I felt much be�er, so we went to the church for St. Jova’s service. When we came back I had a fever again. �e doctor says he could cure the fever with a strong dosage of quinine but he can’t because I’m breastfeeding Danko. I am praying to God to cure me so that I can bring my baby up well.

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October 10, 1906

�e doctor came again yesterday and brought me some medication. I took it and immediately felt be�er. Now I have a ringing in my ears and a slight headache. I feel very weak. �e doctor came today as well, and told me I am doing be�er now but should still look a�er myself and rest. I nursed Danko twice today. Mila has become headstrong. When I scold her about something, she bangs her feet and head against the �oor. If I treat her nicely, she becomes cuddly again. If only I had be�er nerves and more time, she would be a be�er girl. Dragan is more afraid of me. I only have to raise my voice and he makes himself scarce. October 22, 1906

About a week ago this year’s �rst snow fell mixed with rain. Because of this, Jova didn’t go to the �eld, and I fell ill. My tongue was covered by some kind of rash and it hurt. I stayed at home during that time. When I recovered, we got ready and, at �ve o’clock in the morning on October 17, we le� for Arandjelovac. Jova traveled with us half the way. We said goodbye, and the children and I continued the journey alone. We arrived in Lazarevac at eleven o’clock and had lunch, and then proceeded towards Arandjelovac. At �rst the children were good. Mila vomited there—she always gets motion-sick—but later felt be�er. A�er parting with Jova, the children dozed for a while. Towards the end they got bored so the maid, Jelena, who came with us, and I had to calm them down. We arrived in Arandjelovac around �ve o’clock in the a�ernoon. My father and sisters, Jelka and Bela, came to Kisela Voda to meet us.11 Jelka then moved to my carriage and everybody else except Danko moved to their carriage. When we arrived at the house, Dragan burst out crying when he saw that Jova wasn’t there. However, as soon as he saw Bela’s blackbirds in the cage, and grapes and other fruit in the garden, he stopped crying. �e day a�er we arrived, Jelena gave me her notice and told me she isn’t going back with me. I thus learned a lesson in human ingratitude, which was increased by her insolent behavior towards me. �e children had a nice time at my parents’ house. �ey did what they wanted, and Bela did everything for them. Mila has go�en used to the new surroundings, and when they ask her if she wants to stay, she shouts, “Yes, yes, I like it at sistel Beka’s.” Once, Dragan called to Bela, “Sistel Beka, li�le birdy made pooh-pooh. Come wipe the birdie’s bo�om!”

11

Kisela Voda is the spa and mineral water plant for which Arandjelovac is most famous.

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My mother spent most of her time with me and Danko, while Jelka and Juca did all the cleaning and cooking. �e rest of us were enjoying ourselves. On the second day of our stay, my father had people over for dinner in celebration of St. Luke’s slava. We had a lot of company, and I had a wonderful time. �e children stayed up until eleven in the evening. I didn’t get any sleep at all. At seven o’clock the next morning we started out for Valjevo. When we were leaving, Dragan started to scream. He put his hands around Bela and didn’t want to let go of her. He didn’t want to get into the carriage, and we had a hard time separating him from Bela. �en everybody else started to cry, those staying behind and all the children. I didn’t know what to do. Dragan cried loudly for a long time and then put a serious expression on his face, sighing and not saying a word. From time to time he and Mila just said, “I want sistel Beka.” Eventually they both fell asleep, exhausted. I put them in the upper seat in the covered part of the carriage, and they slept all the way to Lazarevac. We didn’t leave the carriage, because we couldn’t �nd a warm room anywhere. We had lunch in the carriage and I changed Danko’s diapers there. While we were waiting for the carriage driver to harness the horses, Dragan stood by the window, reporting everything he could see through the window: “I see a naked and barefoot child, it has underpants. I see a bench, a house. I see leaves, a tlee…” He kept telling us everything he could see through the window. �ey soon got bored with that and burst out crying, pleading with the carriage driver to take them to their daddy. But the real trouble began when we �nally got underway. I sat on the lower seat, holding Danko in my lap, so that the older children could lie down comfortably on the upper seat. But they kept pushing each other, tossing and turning and beating each other. �ere was nothing I could do to calm them down. �ey played catch with my hat and completely squashed it. In the end they shouted they had to go pee. We stopped the carriage, le� Danko alone on the seat, and took them out one by one. I somehow managed this. �en, when we were on the large iron bridge across the Kolubara River, Dragan, who thought it was the bridge on the Morava River, which he remembered from before, turned to Mila and excitedly shouted: “Here’s my Morava, Mina, there’s all kinds of �sh in it, big and small. �ere are cree-crees (frogs), snails, and grasshoppers and bu�elfries (bu�er�ies).” �ey remember the animals from the zoology book and think that they all live in the river. �ey entertained themselves for the rest of the trip by describing to each other what they could see: “I see a horse, a �y, a tlee. …” �e rest of the journey was relatively pleasant. I listened to their conversations while Danko slept. 77

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I didn’t know how I would deal with them without Jelena, but it turned out I didn’t even need her. When the children got too restless, all I had to do was �nd some entertainment for them, and everything was all right. I didn’t even have to tell them stories, which would have been hard for me anyway, tired as I was. I could even doze for a li�le bit. �e children entertained themselves, and their cha�ing kept me from falling asleep too deeply. Jova met us when we were almost half way. �e children were happy to see him. �ey were already running out of patience. It was easier to handle them with the two of us, but he had to hold them both. Danko was quiet—the rocking of the carriage must have made him sleepy—so I could rest a bit. I enjoyed watching Jova and the children cuddle. We �nally arrived home around seven o’clock in the evening. We were all tired, so we had a li�le bit to eat and went straight to bed. I was very busy yesterday and today. We had to do all the laundry we brought back from the trip and clean the house. I also had to cook and deal with the children. I decided I’m not going to take other young girls to help me; I’m still angry with Jelena. She le� me because she found other people in Arandjelovac who were willing to pay her more, and she didn’t care how I would get back with the children. But I don’t need an unreliable person like that, I prefer to do everything myself with the help of the student, so next time I’ll think twice about taking someone on. A new grammar school in Valjevo opened today. Jova is now standing in for his boss and has a lot to do. He still found the time to go to the market and bring me everything, so I was able to �nish all the work around the house. Jova and his co-workers have been told that their pay will decrease by 100 dinars a�er 1907. It seems that Jova will apply for the position of independent engineer of Podrina County that has been announced. October 25, 1906, Sunday

We still haven’t found a maid and I am still doing all the work alone. From early morning, I clean the rooms, feed the children, do laundry, make lunch, wash dishes, and at the same time keep a constant watch on the children, change their clothes and diapers, and breastfeed Danko. In the evening I’m so tired I can’t stand on my feet. We found a girl at the market, but she didn’t come a�er she said she would. Nobody wants to come to the house with young children, and children are the reason I’m looking for help in the �rst place; I wouldn’t need it otherwise. �e 78

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weather is nice, but it looks like it’s going to snow soon. �ere is a fresh smell in the air. Jova didn’t go into the �eld today, so I used the opportunity to send him to the market to get everything I need for a few days. We bought larger quantities of �our, lard, eggs, and cheese. I put the cheese into the pot, so that it would keep longer. We bought potatoes, onions, and cabbage, so I now don’t need to worry about the winter. If it starts snowing early, we’re �ne. We should buy more �rewood as soon as possible, to have it chopped and stacked. In the evening Jova applied for the position of the county engineer. I would like him to get the job, so that he could rest from all the problems in the �eld. He would also have a be�er salary, although we don’t lack anything as it is. November 6, 1906

I am keeping busy all the time. My older sister Juca has come to stay for a while. Earlier, I had just go�en ready to sit down and write about everything that happened, when I heard Juca yell, “�e chimney’s on �re!!” We all jumped to our feet and got dressed to run outside. Our poor landlady was petri�ed. Jova wasn’t there, so we were all frightened. I saw that the soot in the chimneys had caught �re. I grabbed the chimneys with my hands, without even thinking that they might be hot, took them off and tossed them outside, where they burnt out. I thus rescued my house from the �re, but burnt my hands all over. I put ointment on them, but nevertheless got blisters, which hurt a lot. Luckily I don’t have to do any work. Juca brought a new girl to help me around the house. Her name is Ljubica. November 13, 1906

Jova spent this last week at home due to the rain. �e new girl is a good worker, but very quiet. I keep feeding Danko with milk and boiled water, to which I add a li�le bit of sugar. Jova has le� again, so I have more time to write down a few things about the children. Danko has lately been sleeping all night, but he doesn’t sleep at all during the day. He can now drink a full cup of milk. He doesn’t cry that much, and Juca is now here to entertain him. �e two older children are sometimes good, sometimes terrible. I am worried about Dragan’s roguish and willful behavior. He has no discipline. Whenever he doesn’t like something, he throws himself on the �oor and starts banging his feet. Mila is well behaved. �ey both have a good appetite, but she doesn’t speak when she’s eating, while Dragan starts talking with Juca and doesn’t �nish his lunch. I teach them to eat everything that’s on their plate, that it’s be�er to take less food twice, than to leave food on the 79

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plate, because there are hungry people in this world who would be glad to eat it. I want them to learn this, and don’t even let them leave bread uneaten, because though we now have enough of everything, one never knows what awaits one later in life. I want them to be aware of the fact that there are people who don’t have as much as we do, and that it’s good to help such people. It’s be�er for them to learn this while they are still li�le November 18, 1906

Jova didn’t come back yesterday or the day before yesterday. I am worried. Dragan pooped into his pants, which he hasn’t done in a long while. It’s a good thing the landlady hasn’t noticed anything. He was ashamed when we scolded him. I bought them pictures today, for teaching with visual aids, and he must have go�en carried away looking at them. I am very angry with Jova for staying out in the �eld for several days without writing a word to us or asking how we’re doing, something he’s always done before. He probably thinks he doesn’t need to worry about us now that we have servants and Juca is staying with us. November 21, 1906

Jova returned on Saturday. I was sulking when he came back, but we reconciled soon a�er. We stayed at home all day Sunday, and in the evening went to the theater. We saw “As a Mark of the Cruci�x,” a beautiful piece set in Roman times. Yesterday morning Jova went away again and I don’t think he’ll be back before the weather turns bad. I bought Dragan his �rst winter coat yesterday, and he struts like a turkey in it. Mila and Dragan both love Danko a great deal and help me bathe him. November 24, 1906

Jova returned yesterday already, but he le� again early this morning. I was jealous for no reason. I shouldn’t have doubted him, because he’s an angel of a man. I would have driven anyone else out of his skin. He still loves me and mildly scolds me. I will never mention my jealousy to him again. I don’t know what came over me, but I a�acked him for no reason, while he was away working for the good of us all. June 7, 1907

Mila has fallen ill. At noon the doctor came. He told us she had an in�ammation of the larynx and of the vocal cords and gave her two shots with two different

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kinds of serum. She didn’t cough last night, and is already ge�ing be�er today. We separated her from the other children, but Dragan and Danko have now started to sneeze as well. When Mila got sick, my sister Juca came back to help me with the children. My mother always sends one of my sisters to help me whenever I need anything, and they like to come. June 25, 1907

Mila is feeling well now, but she is still staying inside. She is already able to speak well but still has a li�le bit of a cough. Danko had a reaction to his smallpox vaccination. We have sent Mila to Arandjelovac with Juca to recover. Yesterday we had lunch at a peasant’s house. I was surprised how pre�y the peasant houses are on the Mačva River, and how clean they are inside. �e peasants are well off here and live much be�er than the peasants in southern parts. �eir houses look the same inside as the houses in town. Mila is still in Arandjelovac. I miss her a lot and feel a li�le sad because I’ve never been separated from her before, although I know it’s much be�er for her to be there, that she’s looked a�er and loved. I bought her a lot of toys that will be waiting for her when she comes back. Dragan also misses her. He’s promised never to hit her again, if only she will come back. She is his main partner in playing and in doing mischief, so he only sits quietly now that she is away. Danko’s teeth still haven’t come out, but he can walk well when we hold his hands. We took Dragan to the theater, and he sat there quietly and watched. He didn’t fall asleep although the play lasted until midnight. June 28, 1907

My sister Juca came back with Mila before St. Elijah’s day, and she’s still here. Bela wrote to me that mother is weak. June 29, 1907

Jova has been working at the office today. His brother Luka told him that engineer Vlada Todorović, a former minister, has also applied for the position of the independent engineer. So even if Jova gets rejected, it will be owing to strong competition. �e Independent Party has a majority in Šabac, so it may very well be that Jova will get the job. I had to give Dragan a spanking, because he was hi�ing Mila. �ey o�en �ght, but when I give one of them a spanking, they both cry. It was the same this time. I should have let them deal with it on their own. 81

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July 1, 1907

Today we slaughtered a pig weighing 180 kilos. We got 70 kilos of lard and 40 kilos of meat. We had a lot to do around the house, but the cracklings are excellent. Jova got a le�er informing him he had been accepted to the position of the independent engineer in Šabac. December 4, 1907

It was Sunday yesterday, so Jova and I went to the caves at Petnička Pećina about an hour away from where we live. Juca stayed with the children. Both caves are magni�cent. In the upper cave we walked down to the lake with candles. We broke off a few stalactites and brought them home. I would have been sorry if I had le� Valjevo without seeing the cave. �is trip was the best time I spent in Valjevo. Jova and I were alone, so it reminded me of the time in our marriage before we had children, when our hearts were full of affection and love. He is still as kind and loving as he can be, but the children are always there, so it doesn’t even occur to me to spend the whole day being affectionate with him like I used to. He now showers them with affection, and all I can do is watch and wait for my turn, when the children go to bed and we are alone. But I also take pleasure in his love for the children, because it creates an even stronger bond between us. December 5, 1907

Jova has started going to a café. He’s been away for an hour and a half today and still hasn’t come back. I don’t mind the fact that he’s spending time with other people, but I’m sad because it marks the beginning of his estrangement from home and it means that he no longer likes spending time with me and the children. If he did, he wouldn’t be seeking other people’s company. What could keep him at the café today when no newspapers are being printed in Valjevo? But that’s the custom inland. Everybody goes to the café to discuss politics. My father did it too, but Jova never did until now. Something seems to be going on, that’s true, but I no longer follow politics, because I’m busy with the house and the children. I have to ask him when he returns what he heard at the café. December 9, 1907

�e workers at all the print shops are on strike, so there are no newspapers.12 �at’s why Jova occasionally goes to a café to hear what’s going on. Hopefully 12

�e printers were all state employees and were striking for increased salaries.

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everything will turn out all right. Danko has been whiny since yesterday; he has a fever. �is morning he was a bit more cheerful, but he has some kind of a rash on his right hand, as if he burnt himself. �e blisters are full of liquid, and they probably hurt, so he cries. We have bought a li�le blackboard and a piece of chalk for Dragan so that I can teach him a li�le. He is pleased and shows Mila how to write. He shows off a lot. December 12, 1907

Mila pulled a blanket from the bed and took it to my sister Juca to make her look like a bride. She then walked around the room like that. Juca doesn’t mind playing with her so they do all kinds of things. She also put some kind of pearls around her neck, so Mila and Dragan pretend to be bride and groom. �e student who works for us, Milosav, plays with them, or acts as Dragan’s best man. Ljubica, our maid, is the registrar, and Juca is the mother. �e children both like Milosav very much, and he’s good and patient with them, so they play nicely. He sometimes reads things to them from his books, or they look at pictures. Milosav is a good child and a good student, I haven’t regre�ed taking him on. He deserves to �nish school because he’s talented and wants to do it. He is very smart and a quick learner, so he doesn’t have to study hard and has enough time to play, but he always does his homework �rst. At �rst I checked on him and asked him questions, but I now see I don’t have to, because he is very conscientious. He knows he has been given a chance to �nish school and he wants to make use of it. We called the doctor this morning about Danko’s hand. He gave him a cream to put on the blisters and some medication. Mila now comes to say goodnight to everyone before going to bed and gives Dragan a kiss. Dragan cut his forehead again today. He has been wearing a bandage around his head all day, so that his “guts” don’t fall out. He drew a sketch of a horse and a fawn on the li�le blackboard yesterday. December 19, 1907

My oldest sister, Jelka, and my younger sister Bela arrived yesterday from Arandjelovac. �ey brought cream and all kinds of cake. In the evening we went to a party, and on Sunday out for a beer. Yesterday they le� together with Juca. �ere was a lot of screaming when they got ready to go. I was doing laundry today with the woman who always helps me and got chilled to the bones outside. Dragan and Mila are feasting on the cakes and arguing about which one of them likes sister Juca more. �ey are sad that she’s no longer here. But that hasn’t spoiled their appetite; they’re eating like crazy. I have to take the plate off the table. 83

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December 23, 1907

I ironed the laundry yesterday and made six different kinds of cake. We scrubbed and dusted the rooms the day before yesterday, and I made bread and roasted a suckling today. We went to the Women’s Society party last night and had a great time. I danced the whole time. We stayed until one o’clock in the morning. December 28, 1907

Jova went to Belgrade because he received a le�er from Luka saying that he should pull out of the competition for the Šabac position. Jova had requested an annual salary of 7,000 dinars in his application, while the Assembly announced the position for 8,000 and elected Jova. His brother Luka now writes that Jova shouldn’t have offered to be paid a salary below the announced sum, because his colleagues view this as a scam. He writes as follows: “Jova, remember that I don’t want even a shadow of the doubt to fall upon our honor, and I don’t want to give anyone a reason to reproach us. Do whatever you can, but do correct this mistake.” When Jova wrote his offer, he didn’t know what others would put into their offers, and believed 7,000 was enough for that kind of work. I don’t know what he’s going to do now. January 2, 1908

�e new year arrived and Jova returned from Belgrade on Sunday at 2:00 a.m. He spent two nights traveling and is dead tired. Yesterday Jova and I went on two visits to acquaintances and last night went out for a beer. Jova and I were reading the paper, Danko was on the bed, Mila was asleep, and Dragan was playing with Jova’s cane. Suddenly something broke, and Danko screamed. Dragan wanted to hit the bed with the cane but he accidentally hit his brother. He could have killed him this way! Fortunately he remained unharmed and has no injuries. Dragan seems to have missed him by an inch, thus only scaring him. I immediately took the cane to the hallway, and Jova prohibited Dragan from touching it. Last night when we returned from having a beer, I heard that Dragan had knocked a lamp off the table. �e glass and the bowl broke, but fortunately the lamp switched off immediately. We were lucky that he didn’t cause a �re. All this happened with two young children in the house. We cannot leave them alone without pu�ing them to bed beforehand. Let me now describe what happened to us shortly a�er. It only goes to show that all sorts of things can happen to us as well. Last night Jova brought the baby 84

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to me so that I could breastfeed him. A candle was burning. He had fallen asleep thinking that I would stay awake, but I also fell asleep. �e baby remained on my arm at the side of the bed. He could have fallen down, or I could have strangled him. We slept like this for a full hour, but nothing happened, thank God. �is morning, I entered the room and saw Dragan poking the �re. A �rebrand was already on the �oor. I picked it up quickly. I only turn around for a moment, and they are already doing something wrong. Mila fell off a chair and cut her lip and nose in the middle. �ey have become simply impossible. Jova’s acceptance in the new position is official. We will start packing and soon move to Šabac, where Jova will be the new county engineer. January 13, 1908

Jova le� for Šabac the day before yesterday for a visit. It’s very cold; everything is frozen. Mila and Dragan have already been asking when Daddy is coming back, and I am worried that Jova will get sick, because it’s very cold. All of his colleagues said, “Oh, why didn’t he stay at home? He’ll get lost. It’s a dangerous road downhill, and neither Jova nor the carriage driver know the way.” I hope their carriage doesn’t overturn into a big pile of snow. I have been praying to God to keep him alive. January 15, 1908

Jova returned yesterday. In the evening we went to a party at the grammar school. Today we have spent the day packing. We are supposed to leave for Šabac on the 17th. All the laundry is clean and ironed; it only needs to be folded and packed.

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Introduction

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Introduction

Chapter 3.

Life and Politics in Small-Town Serbia

Background

N

ow immersed in domestic life as the mother of three young children, Natalija eagerly sought to remain connected to the outside world by reading newspapers and novels and a�ending the theater as o�en as possible. �e capital city of Belgrade offered at least a dozen daily newspapers to its avid readers, and Natalija and Jovan regularly read many of them. Her literary interests were typical of the emerging middle class in Serbia and elsewhere in Eastern Europe, and she had a �ourishing literary and theatrical community from which to choose. �e nineteenth century saw the rise of middle-class theater all over Europe as Romantic playwrights began to focus on the lives and experiences of ordinary people. In keeping with Romantic ideals, national languages and customs were important themes of these plays and were in�uential in forming national ideals and goals. What had become known by the turn of the century as the “Belgrade style” of literary expression emphasized simple, direct expression, drawing on the popular idiom, and a disdain for the formal, high culture of Austria and Germany. It took its inspiration from contemporary France, where the founders of such in�uential journals as the Serbian Literary Journal had been educated. Among the important Serbian playwrights whose works Natalija and Jova went to see were Jovan Sterija Popović and Branislav Nušić. During this period of her life, Natalija came into contact with several women’s organizations that were active in Serbia during the �rst decade of the twentieth century, a�ending a few meetings of both the Women’s Society and the Circle of Serbian Sisters in the various provincial towns where she lived. She quickly lost patience with them, however, in part because they seemed both silly 87

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and snobby to her and in part because they didn’t seem to take seriously enough the political and national concerns so important to her. She preferred to concentrate on her own sphere of in�uence and efforts rather than remain involved with the “frivolous” activities of the women’s organizations she encountered in small-town Serbia. In this way, she could make a greater contribution to Serbian development and national aims. In fact, Serbian national interests took a big blow during this period of Natalija’s life. In the fall of 1908, the unthinkable happened when Austria-Hungary annexed Bosnia-Hercegovina. According to the 1878 Treaty of Berlin, BosniaHercegovina still officially belonged to the O�oman Empire but was administered by the Austro-Hungarian Empire. As long as that ambiguous situation persisted, the Serbs persisted in the hope that they might reasonably a�ain their territorial ambitions in the region. In October 1908, however, Austria-Hungary simply annexed the region outright. �is action, which again disturbed the balance of power in the region, nearly resulted in the outbreak of war between Russia and Austria-Hungary. Serbs were also furious, and prepared for war, though it did not materialize. �is event was devastating for Natalija, since her husband Jova was from Bosnia. It had the immediate effect of ensuring that Jova would continue to be exiled from his beloved homeland. It cemented Natalija’s belief that the most important task in their lives must be to establish a Serbian state that would include all Serbs living not just in Bosnia but also Macedonia (or South Serbia), Croatia, Kosovo (or Old Serbia), and Vojvodina. Natalija raised her children to understand the importance of this task, even as she remained ever critical of the haphazard and o�en corrupt political practices of village life around her.

Šabac (1908–1911) January 23, 1908

We have arrived. �e weather and the road were good, and the children behaved well the entire trip. We traveled from seven in the morning until six-thirty in the evening. We had trouble �nding a good apartment. Yesterday we received a parcel from home. All the children got clothing as a holiday present from Grandpa Nikola, and we also got lots of other delicacies and cakes. Jova’s nephew, Svetko, sent us word he had passed all his exams and was leaving for Bosnia. Jova always gets sad when he remembers Bosnia and that he cannot go there. 88

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January 27, 1908

Depending on the day, Jova is becoming more and more convinced that the county engineers he works with are strange people and that it is no wonder people criticize them so much. I advised him to keep track of these events and details, to collect enough material for some kind of an interesting journal. But it seems that engineers don’t like to write or keep track of things; they are only interested in numbers and drawings. February 2, 1908

We have been in Šabac for 15 days now. We a�ended a party organized by the Independent Radicals. �ere was a nice and mixed crowd of people. We met many locals. I got a small fur coat from Jova yesterday; it looks really good on me. I wrote to Jova’s nephew Svetko, and he sent word that he had been given a job in Mostar. People seem to have different customs here. While Jova was at the office in the morning, a child came by and brought a turkey as a present from some contractor. I accepted it, but Jova later scolded me and wanted to take it back. He told me I shouldn’t accept anything ever again. He says it is customary here for people to accept bribes. Everybody does it, but we won’t do it and I should start refusing these “gi�s” straightaway so they know they can’t bribe us. I agree with Jova on this. I didn’t realize immediately what was going on, who sent the turkey or why, but I’ll know in the future. February 14, 1908

Yesterday I sent a wedding gi� worth about 30 dinars to Jelena, the girl who used to work for us. I was angry with her for abandoning me as soon as somebody else offered her more money. But I heard she was ge�ing married, so I thought I would send her a gi�. I don’t want to hold a grudge; may she be happy as far as I’m concerned. She wasn’t bad when she was with us, and she loved the children— God knows whether she would have found her happiness had she stayed with us. February 20, 1908

Dragan fell off the bed yesterday. He cut his tongue, so his mouth was full of blood. Jova and I got frightened, and we’re thanking God for keeping him alive. He likes to jump on the bed, I keep scolding him for it, and now this happened. Hopefully he’ll now get out of that habit. We are still looking for a be�er place to stay. We don’t seem to be able to �nd something that would suit us. I haven’t received any word from home. In the last le�er we got they wrote that my younger 89

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Mila, Danko, and Dragan, in Šabac, 1908

sister, Bela, was weak, so I am worried about her. It’s very cold, and we cannot invite her to come stay with us yet. February 22, 1908

We celebrated Dragan’s fourth birthday yesterday with only four guests. I recently got a le�er from Jova’s brother, Luka, in which he claims that Jova will achieve a miracle if he gets the upper hand with the sly people in Šabac. I had wri�en to him earlier about Jova’s life and work here and the kind of people he has to �ght. It seems to me that Luka is right. Jova still does his work conscientiously and doesn’t get involved in politics, but he seems to have too many problems of the kind he never had in Valjevo. �e politicians do whatever they want here, and if they can’t do something, they think that bribery might help. Neither works with Jova, so I’m afraid he’ll have serious problems here. March 1, 1908

We have moved to a new place. We got a le�er from my father today. He writes that Bela has been lying in bed for a week now with pleurisy.1 I sent a dispatch 1

Pleurisy or pleuritis is an in�ammation of the lining surrounding the lungs, o�en as a result of tuberculosis and pneumonia. Its effects can be long-term, remaining long a�er the cause itself has been alleviated.

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Dragan, in Arandjelovac, 1908

inquiring about her, and they said she was doing be�er. I am going mad with fear. She is my favorite sister, and she’s been ill for a long time. May 6, 1908

�e children and I are going to stay with my parents for a while to recover from all of our illnesses. Jova escorted us to Belgrade and put us on the train that was going to take us further. Luka, his brother, then went with us to Topčider and Mladenovac, where my sister Juca came to meet us. We went to Arandjelovac with her. �e children endured the trip well, and so did I because I always had someone there to help me. Luka is good at disciplining the children and they listen to him, so there were no problems. He kept teaching them something the entire trip. May 9, 1908

It feels strange being without Jova. He sends me a le�er or a card every day. I like my parents to see how a�entive he is. 91

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Bela and friends, in Arandjelovac, 1908

October 7, 1908

I haven’t been writing for a long time. �ings are more or less the same as they used to be. Jova is entirely dedicated to his work, which he has a lot of. Last month, Jova, Dragan, and I went to Belgrade. Dragan and I returned, but Jova had to stay because of his work. Traveling on the same boat with us was Sergije, the bishop of Šabac. �e journey was interesting, especially my bi�er argument with the senior monk from the Pavlovica monastery, who was traveling with the bishop. I may not be much of a believer, but none of them could hold much against my life principles and convictions. December 1, 1908

Danko already has four teeth. Dragan ate chestnuts for the �rst time, and said, “Li�le Mila, if only you knew how good they are, the same as potatoes.” Whenever I scold Dragan, Mila begins to cry. Once when I got angry, she asked me, “Christ, what’s the ma�er with you, Natalija?” I laughed so hard I completely forgot why I was scolding him. 92

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We went to Mišar, and Jova told Dragan that the Turks killed many of his forefathers near the monument, and that they had also been buried there.2 Dragan responded, “Daddy, when you buy me a big ri�e, bring me to the monument again so that I can kill those Turks and put them in the same hole.” When we ask them what they want to be when they grow up, Dragan says he wants to be a carriage driver, while Mila wants to be a teacher. Mila is prankish. When she does something wrong, she refuses to apologize, and when she gets angry, she doesn’t want to eat. We have fully adjusted to the new surroundings. I don’t have a lot of company, but I don’t seek it either. I only have one friend, a teacher named Stana; we understand each other well. Jova is always preoccupied with his work, but otherwise he’s still the same old Jova. He is kind and serious, and full of love for me and the children. Jova’s nephew Svetko wrote us a le�er saying he was going to Vienna. Jova’s brother, Luka, is in Belgrade. He is the one who persuaded me to have my �rst luxury dress made in Belgrade—it cost me 255 dinars. I am curious what the dress will look like and how it will suit me. I have never cared much about clothes before, and I did it now for social reasons. I think this will be my �rst and last foolishness. It has been snowing since last night; we’ll have a white Christmas. I am sorry we won’t have any company during the holidays, especially my sister Bela, who hasn’t been writing much lately. I have moved ten �owerpots inside where it’s warm, and our gold�nch is more cheerful now because of the �owers I put around him. December 9, 1908

Bela came to visit us a�er all. We are all happy. �e children were anxious for her to come. Dragan is very mischievous, and Mila has become overly sensitive, she cries about everything. We made a snowman the other day, but his head fell off a�erwards, and she cried because of that for a long time. I went to the grammar school in the morning for the celebration of St. Sava.3 �e local doctor discovered that Jova has a small heart defect, but there is no threat to his life. 2 3

�e Ba�le of Mišar in 1806 was the second major ba�le of the First Serbian Uprising against the Turks. In it, Serbian rebels defeated an O�oman army from Bosnia at a location not far from Šabac. St. Sava (1169–1236), the �rst Serbian archbishop and son of the founder of the Serbian state, Stefan Nemanja, is the most important saint in the Serbian Orthodox church. He is especially associated with the virtues of selfsacri�ce and education and is the patron saint of Serbian schools. St. Sava Day is normally celebrated by all schoolchildren on January 27, according to the old Julian calendar, or January 14, using the new Gregorian calendar. For Natalija to be a�ending any kind of St. Sava celebration in early December is extremely unusual. Perhaps it was something quite small or a rehearsal for the later celebration.

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�e other day I went to the meeting of the Women’s Society in Šabac, where I saw all of the empty-headed Šabac aristocracy. I don’t feel like spending time with them. Dragan saw geese in a pond, and when he saw them waddling, he said, “Look how the geese bow.” �at’s exactly how those aristocratic women behave. Christmas

Dragan likes to talk, think, and draw, but he doesn’t like math. Mila quickly remembers each song, and is always singing. It seems that Danko will turn out the smartest. He got his �rst suit for Christmas from my mother; he shows it to everybody and sings: “�e li�le gil got up ealy to feed the pigeons….” He knows the whole song. It snowed. For Mother’s Day they each got a set of cubes to put together pictures. Danko quickly puts together every picture. I bought them a zoology set and they learned all the animals.4 �ey have begun asking a lot of questions, for instance: “Have you ever seen God?” “Why do angels �y?” and so forth. Mila sings, “Bosnia, you poor, cursed country…” and says she is going to kill Franjo for taking Daddy’s Bosnia.5 She says she will go to Bosnia to kiss the cross on Grandpa’s grave. She asks why Grandpa died and whether she will ever see him again. Mila asked me where she was when Granny Mileva gave birth to me. We are expecting our fourth child in a month. We don’t care anymore if it’s going to be a boy or a girl, may it only be alive and healthy. Jova’s work has come to a halt, partly due to the winter, partly due to warlike circumstances. He still hasn’t received all the construction material, except for some rails. I see that he would hate the war to interfere with the completion of the work he has begun and is fully commi�ed to. He is �nally in a position to show what he knows and can do, and he would like to do it. I hope he’ll be able to �nish the work and that there won’t be any war.6 4

5 6

In the Orthodox tradition, Mother’s Day takes place on the Sunday before New Year’s Day, while Father’s Day is on the Sunday a�er New Year’s. On the morning of these days, children traditionally tie their mother or father and other adult relatives (male or female, depending on the day) to the beds and the adults must offer the children small presents to obtain their release. Mila’s childish threat is directed at Franz Jozef I, who, as emperor of the Austro-Hungarian Empire, had recently annexed Bosnia-Hercegovina. Here Natalija is referring to the tensions resulting from the recent annexation of Bosnia-Hercegovina, which, indeed, nearly led to the outbreak of war in Europe.

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We spent Christmas alone but happy. Our love for each other grows stronger every day, and is nearing perfection. Jova’s goodness knows no limits. I am sometimes quarrelsome at home and �y off the handle for nothing, but then am immediately ashamed when I see him, as he is a model of good behavior and patience. I have abandoned the small number of friends with whom I socialized at �rst and reduced my life only to my husband and the children, but Jova reciprocates equally, because, except for his work, he is fully dedicated to us. He works a lot, but spends all his free time with us at home. May God keep him alive and healthy, so that we can bring our li�le ones on the right path. Dragan asks me, “Mummy, why do you have such a big tummy?” I tell him, “Well, the stork has dropped a baby in it.” Mila then asks, concerned, “Why do you drink water, bad woman, you’ll drown the baby!” I then explained to them that I have to eat and drink to feed the baby. �at calmed them down, but they still don’t understand exactly, and there is no way I can explain it to them now, so I avoid such conversations for the time being. Whenever I answer one question they immediately ask another, and so on until we get to something I can’t explain to them. I therefore always look for something to do to interrupt the conversation. �ey are actually quite clever and smart and don’t accept stupid answers, but they’re still too young to know the truth. December 28, 1908

It was snowing when we woke up this morning. It snowed all day. I am in a bad mood and I know why. Yesterday a young woman was buried in our neighborhood. She le� a four-month-old daughter. I heard her husband will now take his young sister-in-law to be his wife. �at’s what made me sad. Mila cried a lot about the baby whose mother had died, and last night she pleaded with me that we take that baby. I had a hard time explaining to her that the baby cannot leave her father, and that her aunt would look a�er her. It occurred to me that if I died my sisters would be best suited to look a�er my children, so this isn’t such a bad custom.7 But I pray to God that this doesn’t happen to me. Today I got a card from a good friend of 7

�is custom sometimes worked the other way as well, so that women whose husbands died might marry their brothers. It was intended mainly to ensure that all forms of inheritance remained within the family as well as to secure the well being of the children. According to most accounts, it was rather rare in most of Serbia and was practiced only in its most rural areas. Apparently, however, it is still practiced in some regions of Southeastern Turkey today.

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mine from school days, in which she says she got engaged. May God bring her happiness, as he did to me. My good Jova. Last night we again spent a long time talking—he is very patient with me. I again fear the upcoming delivery and have been feeling depressed lately. I am imagining that the delivery will be fatal for me this time, probably because of the death of the young woman, who was my age. I cannot imagine what would happen to the children if I were to die. Jova encourages me. He is angry that I’m having such silly thoughts when I’m healthy and all my deliveries have been normal so far. He says everything will be all right. January 27, 1909

My sister Juca is coming tomorrow to help with the children and my delivery. I am now peacefully awaiting the delivery, because I know there is someone at the house who will look a�er the children like I would. �ere is rumor that mobilization will be carried out around February 1. If that happens, Jova would have to go. It would be my bad luck for something like this to happen when I’m expecting a delivery. I would be le� alone with all these children and the worry about him. On New Year’s Day, right a�er lunch, Jova’s contractor Mitrović came, among other guests, to wish us a happy New Year. �e brothers Mitrović have been contracted to work on the entire Danubian railroad, and Jova is now director of construction for that railroad. I was still in the kitchen, because the manservant is no longer with us, when Mitrović wished Jova a happy New Year and handed him an envelope, which he said contained a small gi� for Jova’s useful work. Jova took the envelope and opened it, but when he saw it contained money—some ten 100-dinar notes—he put it all back in the envelope and gave it back to Mitrović. Visibly upset, the man started to look for excuses, saying that the money wasn’t a bribe but a reward, too small in comparison to what Jova deserves. Jova �atly refused the money and told him that were he not a guest at our house, he would have been thrown out. I am writing this because the children ought to know what kind of person their father is, be proud of him and follow his example every time they �nd themselves in a similar situation. When Jova told me this, we talked about it all day. We couldn’t cease wondering at the corrupt nature of the local people, because bribery seems to be the order of the day here. Nobody is surprised by it, as if that’s how things should be. I told Jova he should have punished Mitrović by taking the money in the presence of witnesses and sending it all to the Red Cross. He said that could have 96

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been construed as self-promotion, and that he has been compromised enough by his refusal to take bribery. He only regrets not having been able to throw him out of the house, since he had come to wish them a happy New Year and was therefore formally a guest. �e more I think about it, it seems Jova is right, as always. One should not get involved with bad people and resort to their level. It is enough to let them know we don’t accept bribery and don’t approve of such behavior, so they won’t approach us again. �is incident made me adore my husband more than ever before. I am proud of his integrity and pray to God that all our children follow his example. When I think of all the work Jova has done during the six years of our marriage, had he wanted to be dishonest, we would have undoubtedly amassed considerable capital by now. But I have no regrets in this regard, and love Jova precisely because of the way he is. We are happy and content. Our children are our greatest capital, and we are raising them with the money Jova earns in an honest way, whatever the amount. If one day they grow up to be smart and honest people, who can provide for their families with honest work, that’s all the capital we need. We would like to put aside some of Jova’s earnings for the future of our li�le ki�ens and their education, but even if we aren’t able to do that, things will be �ne. Our parents haven’t le� us anything, and we have still achieved a lot and are happy. I had no dowry, but I found greater happiness than the other girls, and would not trade with any one of them. When we started we had nothing but our enduring and sincere love for each other, and thank God we now have everything we need. May our life, unity, and happiness stay as they are and everything will be �ne. �e only thing that worries me are the predictions of war people keep talking about, because I know well what kind of misfortune war can bring to everybody. �e Serbian people know it well, because they don’t even have enough time to forget before it all happens again. We’ve never had the luck to live in peace for long. As soon as we start building something, somebody comes along to take it away or destroy it. I got a card from Jova’s brother Luka today, in which he teases Jova and me about the fourth baby. �e picture on the card shows a woman si�ing at the table with a cigare�e and a magazine, and a stroller next to the table. �e baby’s father, with a monocle, is standing next to the stroller, ready to wipe the baby’s bo�om because it had pooped. Jova and I laughed, thinking that this might have happened when we had our �rst baby, but there is no way with the fourth. Luka still has no experience with this, because he isn’t married. It’s a great pity, because I’m sure he would make just as good a father and husband as Jova. 97

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I remember when I was pregnant with Dragan and our manservant had le� us. Jova didn’t let me to do any strenuous work at all. He did everything himself, kept up the �re, cleaned the ashes, brought water and �rewood. I saw this as proof of his true love, and liked it. I have now also been without the manservant twice for a period of 20 days, and my stomach is up to my teeth. But now I get up early, sneak out of bed so as not to wake up Jova, and do all the work myself before he and the children wake up. In the evening when I am done with all the work for the day, Jova wants to at least pour the water over the �oors and take out the bucket. �e bucket with the dirty water is heavy and it’s icy outside, but I won’t let him do it. Since I’m afraid of the dark, I only ask him or Mila to stand at the door while I take out the water and return. I do this not because I have to, because Jova is always willing to help me, but because I feel I would humiliate Jova as a husband and a father in front of the children if I let him do the work that is still considered unworthy of a man. �is is how things were at my house. �ough I don’t think that’s right, I don’t want my husband to look worse than the other men in anybody’s eyes, because I know he is actually much be�er than many others, precisely because he has never refused to help me with anything. I now see him not only as a lover, but as a husband and a father, whose dignity I have to preserve, even in a backward place like this, which might misinterpret his goodness and civilized behavior. January 28, 1909

I gave birth to our third son at nine o’clock this morning, whom we named Dragoljub, but he was later baptized Nenad. February 21, 1909

Jova went to Belgrade on business, and we stayed behind with Juca. My good sister Juca, she’s always there when I need her. As serious and obstinate as she may be by nature, she is always good and cheerful with the children. She tolerates everything and would do anything for them, as if they were her own. Dragan fell ill the second day, and the doctor gave him a shot against diphtheria.8 We informed Jova, and he came back on the 25th, frightened and beside himself from worry. 8

Known as a “septic” disease, diphtheria is characterized by a sore throat and swelling of the neck, accompanied by a low-grade fever and possible airway obstruction from the tonsils. Some more serious complications include heart failure, paralysis, and death. Although an anti-toxin was developed in the late nineteenth century, it had to be administered immediately a�er infection to be effective. A vaccine was developed in 1913, but its widespread use was not common until the 1940s. In the following decade, the disease was nearly eradicated.

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Dragan recovered a few days later. A�er that Mila, Danko, and the new baby Nenad came down with in�uenza, and Jova got it from them. Danko, who was already over it, got it again from Jova. He had a very high fever, and doctors had to consult with each other to determine the cause of his illness. March 9, 1909

�e doctor came again and told us that Danko had in�ammation of the le� lobe of the lungs. His fever stays at about 40ºC,9 and a�er eight days we are crazy with worry. We neither sleep nor eat, and we don’t leave his side. He is half-dead and hardly breathing. My sister Juca is the only one looking a�er the other children. We have been afraid that Danko will die and prepared everything: suit, shirt, hat, pillow, everything. On the ninth day we had a crisis, and the group of doctors came again. Danko’s condition is ge�ing worse every day. He doesn’t even speak anymore. March 30, 1909

Jova, Danko, the baby, and I went to Belgrade, where a group of doctors discovered that Danko has pus in his lungs, and that only surgery can save him. We sat all night not knowing what to do and in the end decided he should have surgery. Luka came at eight o’clock in the morning with the carriage. Poor Danko stretched out his hands for his coat, without knowing where they were taking him. I started wailing and crying, and he kissed me, saying, “Good-bye, Mummy.” �ey snatched him from me and carried him to the carriage, and I stayed with the baby at the hotel, collapsing from the suffering and pain. A friend of mine and a colleague of Jova’s came and tried to cheer me up with conversation. When it was time for the operation, I began to weep for my child. Jova’s colleague went down to make a phone call and a�er half an hour came back to tell me everything had gone well. I didn’t believe him and kept crying. Luka came in the a�ernoon, so I rushed off to the hospital with him. When I got there I saw Danko si�ing on the pillows, Jova next to him, making a small ri�e from toothpicks for him. My poor baby, what he had been through. Jova and Luka had been waiting in front of the operating room the entire time. �ey watched as the nurse carried Danko in and heard him screaming for about ten minutes. �en everything went quiet, and for about half an hour they didn’t hear anything. Jova told me he almost died of fear when the nurse came out and asked, “Who is the father of this child?” 9

104º F.

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Jova replied and went with her, his legs numb with fear. She said somewhat sadly, “He’s alive, alive.” Jova went in and saw Danko in a bent position. �ey were holding his arms and legs, and his head was bowed. Dr. Koen then said, “I called you so that you could see everything that came out of him.” Jova looked and saw about half a liter of pus. �ey immediately took Danko to his room, where he was screaming, thrashing, and pulling on Jova’s face, beard, and moustache until he came to. I saw him that day, but then had to leave him with Jova and join the baby at the hotel. I didn’t sleep that night, but cried and prayed for my child to get well and stop feeling pain. �e following day we �rst went to the hospital in a carriage to say hello to Danko and so that I could see him once again. A�er that I had to go to the boat with the baby. My heart was breaking when I had to leave my Danko, but Nenad was only two months old, and they wouldn’t let me stay at the hospital with him. If I wanted to stay alone with Danko, I would have to stop breastfeeding Nenad this early, and that would put his life in danger. A�er consulting with the doctors, we decided that I would go back and Jova would stay at the hospital with Danko. Danko wasn’t sad because his daddy was with him. Luka made sure we were comfortable on the boat and then le�. I took Nenad to the women’s compartment and then rushed out to see if I could see the hospital. I recognized the building where I had le� my loved ones, and looked at it, crying. I almost suffocated from the pressure in my chest. When the buildings of the hospital disappeared from my view, I suddenly heard a voice, saying, “Did you have to leave your child, madam?” I turned around and saw Dr. Koen, who had performed the surgery on Danko. I asked him, “Are you also traveling? Who will go see how my Danko’s doing?” “I am only going as far as Obrenovac to a�end a surgery and am taking a carriage back two hours later, which means that I will be at your son’s side by one o’clock.” We talked all the way to Obrenovac, all the time about Danko. He explained to me how they performed the surgery and told me they had to cut through all his ribs. When I came back to the women’s compartment, Nenad was still asleep. A�er we arrived home, I got my sister Juca ready and she le� for Belgrade on April 3. Jova returned from Belgrade the following day. Luka and Juca took turns at Danko’s side and wrote to us every day. Luka wrote that Danko keeps asking about his daddy. Jova and I were sad and worried the entire time. �e last two months have been �lled with sadness. 100

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April 9, 1909

�is morning Jova went to Belgrade, and I stayed at home with the children. I always used to be sad when Jova went away, and this morning I couldn’t wait for him to leave, because I know our child is impatiently expecting him. I am hoping, if the doctors allow it, that we’ll be able to bring him home on Monday. My sweet child, can your mother wait until your return? My clever baby. �ey say he’s pronouncing le�ers when he’s delirious. A�er all that illness, he was reading le�ers to his daddy at the hospital the last time he was there. He learned all the le�ers by the age of two and a half, all by himself. Everybody in Šabac is talking about it. Li�le ki�en, as a doctor once called him. Will he be able to endure all the suffering until the end? I pray to God to keep our Danko alive. June 15, 1909

�ank God, we are �nally happy together again. Our Danko has returned from the hospital without his wound completely healed. When he arrived, he didn’t look well. For 15 days a doctor was coming to the house to clean his wound. �e wound healed before May 1. We paid the doctor 150 dinars for that. A�er that we got ready to go to a spa. We were there from the 7th until the 28th of May, and then came back to Šabac. My younger sister Bela, who was with us the entire time, went to Arandjelovac with the oldest children, Dragan and Mila. I stayed with the younger two children and Jova. On June 10, Luka came. I decided to go to Arandjelovac with the other two children, because Danko still doesn’t seem fully recovered. He will recover best there. July 4, 1909

We have packed our things to go to Arandjelovac tomorrow. I have been feeling squeamish for a couple of days now, and I’m frightened to death of being pregnant again. Nenad is only �ve months old. I don’t know how I could deal with another pregnancy. July 24, 1909

I went to wash something quickly for the children yesterday and le� Nenad in a stroller under the locust tree. All of a sudden, I heard all my children scream and then they all ran over to me. I looked in Nenad’s direction and saw that they had overturned his stroller. Luckily he fell on the grass, so that were no consequences, but it was all Dragan’s fault. 101

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August 7, 1909

Jova le� for Belgrade yesterday. �e children are all healthy again, but we are alone, without a manservant, and can’t leave the house. I thought of what I could do, and yesterday a�ernoon, in order to take my children out, I hired a carriage, put them all in, and we drove to the meadow belonging to our landlady. We spent the whole a�ernoon there. I was surprised to �nd such beautiful countryside and such a nice location near Šabac. One cannot see the meadow from the town, and I had no idea it was so pre�y. �e children were excited and ran around in the �eld and the nearby hills. �ey also liked the carriage drive and said they would like to come every day. As soon as their daddy comes, we’ll take him too, while the days are still nice. It’s good for the children to be outside in the fresh air, without a trace of dust. We returned around seven o’clock and since we were all tired, we went straight to bed a�er dinner. All the children fell quickly asleep, whereas I suffered from some strange anxiety all night, I don’t know what came over me. I dreamt of Jova, probably because I’m always thinking of him. �ough we’ve been married for six years already, every moment we spend apart is difficult for me, and I should be used to it by now. �e children also miss him, and are happy when he comes back, but they don’t suffer as much as I do. �ey get absorbed in play and forget, while I miss him all the time, regardless of what I’m doing. Nenad is already six months old. He is good and quiet; he sleeps all night and doesn’t wake me. Dragan is already �ve. He’s ge�ing to be a big boy and listens to me when I need him to. Mila is even be�er. She collected the diapers this morning and helped me with the laundry, and later cleaned the vegetables for a stew. She said, “We are girls, we have to work, and the men don’t have to work.” She is a smart li�le girl, and talks like a grown-up. Jova is in Loznica. I don’t know when he’ll come back. August 16, 1909

It’s been 15 days already since the manservant le�. I am falling off my feet from exhaustion. As soon as I get up, wash, and get dressed, I have to make breakfast for everybody, then give the children a bath, then make lunch and wash the diapers. A�er we have had lunch, I have to wash the dishes. During all this time, I have to look a�er the children, both bigger and smaller, so I don’t know what to do �rst. It’s easier when Jova is here. He has now taken the children out for a walk, and Nenad and I are watching the house and resting for a bit. I went to write in this journal, while Nenad is playing on the sofa and gurgling. He is fed and dry, so he’s happy. 102

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September 1, 1909

I can’t believe all the things I did today, I, who as a girl did nothing but study. I have since learned to do everything for the love of my Jova and my children. Jova le� on a long trip this morning, but I am still elated because of his kisses and have been running around all day. Nothing is hard for me. It’s been almost a month since I lost our manservant. I had several already, but none of them stayed, and I don’t feel like searching for one again. As soon as Jova le�, I fed the children, cleaned the house, dusted and washed the �oors in all three rooms, and then washed the diapers and made lunch. In the a�ernoonIwashedthedishes,clearedupthetableandthekitchen, and then made �ve jars of canned peaches, while at the same time entertaining my children. Mila helped me dry the dishes, Dragan put them up, and Danko dusted. We were all talking about Jova. Dragan wanted to count on his �ngers how many days Daddy will be away. Mila asked whether it is true that lightning cannot harm Daddy because he has a revolver. �ey heard a man had been killed by lightning in the �eld, so whenever there is thunder and lightning, and Jova isn’t here, they are worried about their daddy. I also worry when he is gone long. Last night I wrote to Jova’s brother, Luka. I suggested that he marry our Mica. I am anxious until I get a response from him that my interference won’t have upset him. Jova convinced me to do it. He would like Luka to get married and be happy too. It’s late at night already but I’m still writing. I am not sleepy and I have hiccups. �at must mean Jova is talking about me. He’s afraid I’m scolding his beloved children too much. He knows I am less strict with them when he’s around. When he’s not here, I have too much to do, am more nervous, and sometimes spank them, something he doesn’t let me do. He is always patient with them and with me. �e children therefore like him be�er. I am tired and am going to lie down. But �rst I have to read the paper because I haven’t found the time all day. Jova promised to let us go to Bosnia to one of his relative’s weddings, if it happens this fall. I can’t wait to see Jova’s homeland and the house where he was born. He has told me about it many times, and I see that he regrets not being able to go there. If I go with the children, the older ones will be able to remember what they saw on the trip. I haven’t been to Bosnia ever before either. I would like Jova to be able to come with us, but he can’t go because he’s a military deserter there. September 27, 1909

On the 20th, I almost died when I miscarried our ��h child, but I recovered quickly. God must have realized I had to miscarry because my other children need me. Anyway, I’m all right now. I don’t like to remember the whole thing and will 103

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therefore not write about it. What’s important is that everything turned out �ne in the end. Nenad got his lower right incisor. He is always cheerful and good. He is learning to walk while holding our hand. He can’t do it alone, but he is very talkative. He likes the cat and the dog a lot. October 15, 1909

We have a new brother-in-law. My oldest sister, Jelka, �nally got married to Mita. Her happiness makes me very happy, because she deserves it—she fought a lot for her love and �nally succeeded. Mita is a good man, despite my father’s dislike for him. I hope they will be happy, because they truly love each other. �ey both earn enough now and aren’t dependent on anyone, which means that they have all the requirements for a good life. October 25, 1909

Jova has been away for two weeks now. He called yesterday to say he was coming, and again today that he wasn’t. I miss him a lot. We have been ready and waiting since one o’clock. Everything was ready: lunch, pasta, salads, and cake. �e children were impatient and kept running out to the gate despite the rain shower. I was also nervous and impatient, but he didn’t come. I gave the children their lunch, hoping he would come while we were eating, but all in vain, for he didn’t come. It is already seven o’clock and no more carriages can be heard. I kept running to the window and the gate, and then back to the children, but was slowly running out of patience. I wanted to call to inquire about Jova, but they told me the post office was closed. I heard a carriage not long ago and ran outside with the intention of scolding him, but the carriage drove off in the direction of the brewery. I almost cried in front of the gate. I went inside and the children started asking me about Daddy. �ey soon forgot and started playing and running around the room. I think I’ll go crazy. I don’t know how I’ll last through the night if he doesn’t come now. Jakov, our new manservant, is waiting on the street in vain. I am starting to think something bad has happened on the road. If only he comes home alive and well. I have put the children to bed, but don’t feel like going to bed myself, even though I’m exhausted. I am si�ing and waiting. I haven’t had any lunch or dinner. I’ve only fed the children. I am completely worn-out but can’t sleep. Finally, late in the night, their daddy came. Suddenly everything changed. I forgot about scolding him. �e children woke up and jumped out of bed, and we hung on him from all sides. We were suddenly all happy, as if the sun had shone on us. 104

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December 3, 1909

We had a roast suckling pig for lunch today. All the children asked for the brains, but Jova told them there weren’t any, because there wasn’t enough for all of them. Mila then asked if the suckling was male since it had no brains. We all laughed. January 8, 1910

�echildrenhavebeenfeelingunder the weather for a while. �ey aren’t exactly sick, but are all a li�le �uey and bad-tempered. Christmas came. Jova’s brother, Luka, came to visit. We discussed his marriage, friends, and life in general. He le� a�er Christmas and we were alone again. We went to the St. Sava celebration, and then my younger sister, Bela, came to visit. She is here now. I have time to write, because she’s with the children now. January 28, 1910

We had people over for dinner in honor of Nenad’s �rst birthday. We are now fully se�led and have met a number of local people. It was time that we invited some of them over to our house, and Bela is here as well. Among the guests were the county head, the county secretary, Jova’s assistant, the town clerk, a local priest and his daughter, headmaster of the Šabac school and his wife, headmaster of the women’s high school and his wife, a teacher, a farmer, and a member of the county commi�ee. �ere was also the head of the tax department and the station chief, with his wife and daughters. �e dinner was rich and the table beautifully set. I had to cut a �gure as a hostess in front of our guests, because they were all people Jova works with, or friends we have made here. �e menu included beer, salami, a local cheese, Emmenthaler cheese, Caciocavallo cheese and cognac as appetizers, followed by chicken soup with semolina dumplings. A�er that we had steamed sturgeon with bu�er, turkey and chicken stew, rabbit with vegetable garnish, and roast suckling with different kinds of salad (cabbage, beets, and pickles) served with red wine, four years old. For dessert we had cheese, meat and apple pie, and several different kinds of cake: eight-layer cake, Rose cake, Pischinger cake, and various cookies: soldier’s bread, Magdalene cookies, almond and Pischinger sticks. We also had fruit, apples, quinces, and oranges and at the end, mixed canned fruit. At midnight we had a small snack of roast meat, fried sturgeon, and doughnuts. Everybody stayed until six in the morning, when we served them a breakfast of bread-mash with cheese and cream. �ey were all in a good mood, and we sang and danced to the record 105

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player. Dragan didn’t sleep, but Mila fell asleep and then woke up at four in the morning, wondering what all the noise was about. April 22, 1910

We had an early dinner last night, and a�er that as usual went to the bedroom where my sister Bela was playing with the children on the sofa. Mila lay down on the bed and Nenad was running around the room. Jova was reading the paper, and I was reading the book With Fire and Sword.10 Suddenly one of the children fell. I looked up and saw Dragan twisting on the carpet. I thought he had only tumbled over, and went to spank him, but then saw blood running down his face and neck. I screamed and Jova and everybody else jumped to their feet. I began to cry because my poor Dragan didn’t answer. We ran to get towels, poured some iodine tincture, but the blood just kept coming. We wrapped towels around his head, and Bela, without a coat, ran to get a doctor. A�er a few minutes he came to see what happened. While jumping on the sofa, Dragan had tumbled backwards and fell on his head, hi�ing the porcelain chamber-pot and cu�ing the back of his head on the le� side. �e cut was about three centimeters long. �e doctor shaved off his hair around that spot. Dragan cried a li�le but then fell silent, patiently waiting for the doctor to clean and dress his wound. �e doctor told us it was only a slight injury that would heal quickly. He won’t change the dressing until Saturday, unless Dragan starts to feel pain or gets a fever. I am now sorry I spanked him, my sweetheart; he always gets spanked the most because he’s the oldest. Dragan has taught himself how to read and write. He is writing something right now. I will now start teaching him myself. Based on what he already knows, he could go straight to second grade, but I don’t want to push him; there’s enough time for learning. I took pictures of all my children on Willow Day.11 I made identical suits for all of them. Danko is a li�le rascal, sharp and smart, similar to me in nature, while Nenad is the sweetest child in the world. He is very pre�y, has black eyes and a face white as snow. His hair is like yellow silk. He runs around the house a lot and likes to go out. He gets all excited when we go somewhere. 10

11

An historical novel set in the seventeenth-century Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth, With Fire and Sword is the �rst book of a famous late nineteenth-century trilogy by Nobel-Prize-winning novelist Henryk Sienkiewicz. Willow Day, or Palm Sunday, is the Orthodox holiday on the Sunday before Easter that commemorates Jesus’ entry into Jerusalem. In Slavic Orthodox churches, willow branches, representing the palms that covered Christ’s path on the way to Jerusalem, are blessed on Saturday, then taken home and placed near icons until the following Sunday.

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We will have a nice garden here, next to the house, with �owers and ten beds of onions, le�uce, vegetables, and radishes. We have sown a �eld of corn, but all this rain will ruin it. We also have raspberries, an orchard, and a vineyard. I tend it myself, with Jova and the children. We have gra�ed fruit trees, and they have borne a lot of fruit. I also have some ducks and chickens, geese and pigeons—the whole farm. I enjoy it a lot, and do most of the work alone, because I am o�en without a manservant. �at’s why I don’t have time to go visit o�en, and I don’t like to go either. Why should I talk hot air if I can spend be�er quality time with my children in the garden? April 30, 1910

Two days ago we cut all our children’s hair. I am sorry about Nenad’s beautiful hair, which was like yellow silk. I also cut Mila’s hair—�rst her plaits, then the barber shaved off the rest of her hair. She reminds me of Mag from �e Mill on the Floss now. She resembles Mag also in character and her name is similar. I have been elected a notary at the Society for the Preservation of People’s Health. May 30, 1910

I haven’t had time to write. �e children are doing well. I always have something to do or someone comes to visit. I also work in the garden. We are now fully accustomed to Šabac and like it here. We are especially pleased with the accommodations, and the garden is a real paradise. �e children have a place to play, so I have an easier time with them. I don’t have to take them anywhere, because they are outside all day, which suits them best. On Saturday, June 5, Jova and I are going on an engineers’ excursion to So�a and Constantinople. I can’t wait to go. I will leave the children here with my sister Bela. I have been sorting out things at the public health department yesterday and the day before. In the a�ernoon we have a meeting to discuss the organization of the St. Vitus’ Day celebration—we’ll have sport matches.12 12

June 28, St. Vitus Day, or Vidovdan, is perhaps the most important saint’s day for Serbian national history. It falls on the anniversary of the 1389 Ba�le of Kosovo Polje between the Serbs and the O�oman Turks. Although the ba�le officially ended in a draw—as the leaders of both armies were killed—it essentially marks the beginning of O�oman rule over Serbia. According to Serbian national mythology, Serbian King Lazar sacri�ced himself in the ba�le so that Serbia might live, choosing for Serbia a heavenly kingdom over the earthly one. Vidovdan became therea�er a source of inspiration among Serbs, who saw in it evidence of the Serbs’ inherent willingness to sacri�ce themselves for their faith and nation and the certainty of national survival and resurrection despite conditions of extreme adversity.

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Natalija, 1910.

Jova, 1910.

June 4, 1910

Tomorrow, thank God, Jova and I are leaving for Constantinople. We are �rst going to Belgrade, where Jova will a�end the meeting of the Association of Engineers. On Monday we leave for So�a. I am really looking forward to it, as I have never been further south than Paraćin, and because Jova and I are going alone. �ough I am sorry to leave my children behind, I am not worried, because I’m leaving them with Bela. I feel like I’m going on a honeymoon. When we are at home, Jova focuses all his a�ention and love on the children, and I come second, whereas now I will have him all to myself. October 13, 1910

I haven’t wri�en in a long time, and will now begin where I stopped. On June 5, Jova and I went to Belgrade for the meeting of the engineers, and the same evening we took an express train to So�a. We arrived on June 8 around eleven o’clock in the morning. We took a sightseeing tour with a group, but since I have already wri�en a detailed description for a separate brochure, I won’t write about it here.13 13

Natalija indeed wrote a 54-page travelogue essay about the trip, which was published by the Serbian Engineers’ Association under the title, “To So�a and Tsarigrad.”

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From So�a we went to Constantinople, where we arrived at nine o’clock in the morning. We spent four days in Constantinople, before returning to Belgrade. We were back in Šabac already by June 14. A�erreturningfromConstantinople,wegotreadytogotothespa.OnAugust2, Bela and I went to Koviljača Spa with the children. We rented an apartment at the railway station. Jova came o�en, but his work prevented him from staying with us very long. He was ge�ing everything ready for the opening of the railroad on July 18. �e railroad was opened with a festive ceremony accompanied by the military brass orchestra. We stayed in Koviljača for a total of two months. �e children had a really good time and have put on some weight. We all bene�ted from rest, clean air, and long walks in the park. Bela also has more color in her cheeks and looks be�er. We were all satis�ed with our stay in Koviljača, and since it isn’t far, I believe we will go there more o�en.14 At the end of August, we returned to Šabac, because I had canning for the winter to do, which is no longer an easy job for our big family. I have to make enough of everything, because the children have to eat well during the winter—I need to protect them from ge�ing sick and keep them strong and healthy. �e market is full of fruit and vegetables, so we were able to buy everything we need. I think we’ll have more than we need, but that’s be�er than not having enough. I can always give it to someone else, if we don’t use it all. Dragan started school this year. When I took him to school the �rst day, I had a difficult time persuading him to stay, because he had never stayed away from home alone before and was therefore nervous and frightened. He wanted me to stay with him, and I had a hard time explaining to him that all the children stay alone at school but that the teacher will be with them. I should have told him what to expect before, but it never crossed my mind this would be so hard for him. I felt sorry for him and the carefree life he had before, but he got used to it very quickly and now goes to school regularly and is a good student. I knew he would be good because he had learned much more than his peers before starting 14

�e European passion for visiting spas goes back many centuries to the �rst recognition that the water from certain natural mineral springs differed from other water in appearance, taste, and temperature. It was the Romans who �rst recognized the “miraculous” healing powers of these springs and constructed baths around them. By the nineteenth century, an entire spa culture had developed in Europe. Middle-class Europeans regularly spent several weeks or even months each year relaxing and taking the healing waters at one of the many spas that do�ed the European landscape. Koviljača spa, located in Western Serbia on the Drina River, was the country’s oldest. Its mineral waters were �rst mentioned in the sixteenth century and Turkish guards were said to make use of them on occasion. In 1858, the �rst guesthouse was built, and by 1867 the spa was put under Serbian state protection.

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school. He just wasn’t used to the school discipline and order, but he has go�en used to that now as well. Around the Nativity of the Virgin Mary we had guests from Bosnia.15 Jova’s brother-in-law, who is a priest named Rade, and his two sons, Dušan and Bogoljub. We sent Dušan to agricultural school and Bogoljub to elementary school. Jova’s brother, Luka, was adamantly opposed to this and got upset with us for having taken in children from Bosnia, but we’ll see how it goes. Jova wasn’t able to refuse his only sister, and they have so many children—�ve boys and �ve girls. �is is the least we can do and it will be good if at least one of them gets some sort of education. We didn’t succeed in ge�ing a state stipend for Dušan, which would have helped us a lot. Dušan seems bright, but Bogoljub is rather restrained and doesn’t seem very smart, so I’m not sure how he’ll do in school. I sent my sister Bela home before they arrived, and Jova’s brother-in-law Rade le� a�er that. �en I started preparing everything for the slava and kni�ing to supplement the children’s clothes.16 I was going to take them all to Arandjelovac later, but the heart desires one thing and fate decides otherwise. On October 2, I went into town to buy black satin and make a dress for myself to wear at the Obilić concert. I ran into the postman and he handed me a wire. When I opened it, I read that my mother was very ill and that they wanted me to come straightaway. I walked home in tears and waited for Jova. We found a freighter carriage, because the ship had already le� by that time and there were no ships the next day because it was Sunday. I took Mila with me, and the two of us headed towards Obrenovac, leaving the house and the rest of the children with Jova. My father was waiting for me at the station, and he told me that my mother was feeling be�er. When we got to the house, she was asleep, but it was a strange kind of sleep. �at evening she woke up, but didn’t recognize me. I learned from my sisters what had happened. On Saturday mother got up, dressed, and went to the kitchen to start the �re. She put coffee on and went to shell some corn for the chickens. My sisters were still in bed when they heard my mother scream. �ey jumped out of bed and ran outside to see what had happened. �ey found my mother on the ground. �ey started screaming, the neighbors came, put her in bed, and called the doctor, who discovered high blood pressure in the brain and paralysis of the right side (arm, leg, and tongue). On Monday she was 15 16

Feast day celebrating the birthday of the Virgin Mary, the mother of Christ, held on September 8 according to the old calendar. Here she is most likely referring to her family’s (that is her father’s) slava, St. Luke’s Day, which was celebrated on October 18 according to the old calendar.

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a bit more conscious and took my hand. She kept squeezing it and pulling me closer, and then did the same with Mila. We concluded from her expressions and nodding of the head that she wanted to say something but couldn’t. She slept peacefully at night, and my sisters and I took turns at her side. On Tuesday she was conscious again, and on Wednesday she called all four of us in order to tell us something, but still couldn’t. �e following night she fell asleep again, but a�er she woke up in the morning she again lost consciousness. On the morning of October 7, she was doing quite badly. We wanted to move her to another bed, but she was feeling too badly and started to breathe with a ra�le in her throat. Bela screamed and poor Mother came back, but only for a short time, and was barely alive. She started to breathe again with a ra�le at nine o’clock in the morning and continued until the next day, when she passed away at two o’clock in the a�ernoon. I don’t know what was more difficult for us, watching her suffer or seeing her dead on the table, beautiful as she was. She looked like a saint, even more beautiful than when she was alive with her lips pressed tight. Her face looked somehow milder now that she was free of all the worries and suffering. With this new expression of peace and tranquility, she looked younger, as if merely asleep. �e sweet and innocent expression on her face made me think how beautiful she must have been when my father saw her for the �rst time. Bela was beside herself. She was mother’s favorite because she was the youngest, and she suffered more than the rest of us. It was harder to watch her than our dead mother. Jova wasn’t able to come because he couldn’t leave the children with anyone, and we buried my mother without him. �e funeral was on October 10 at four o’clock in the a�ernoon at the cemetery in Arandjelovac. �e whole of Arandjelovac came, the young and the old, the poor and the wealthy, because my mother was very well respected. She was a model wife and mother. She suffered all her life, but bore her suffering peacefully, and was good and kind to everybody, so everybody loved her. On October 10, Mila and I le� Arandjelovac. Back at home in Šabac, everything and everyone was �ne and healthy except for Dragan, who coughs a lot. I didn’t let him go to school yesterday. Jova understands my pain, and he did everything so that I could do what I felt was my duty as a daughter. He gave me 300 dinars to prepare my poor dead mother for the funeral. I will never forget that. I am glad he gave it to me without me asking, because it gave me an opportunity to make up for everything I couldn’t have done for her because I wasn’t with her like my sisters. I have at least done something for her now. 111

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November 2, 1910

I remembered something I would like to write about now. I didn’t have time earlier because of the things that happened. About a month ago I had a dream I was dressed all in white, with golden coins on my head and bosom, and was ge�ing on a carriage like I was going to a wedding. �e carriages were going past the Arandjelovac cemetery. I was surprised that the carriages were at the cemetery and woke up. I told Jova about my dream and said that I thought someone had died in our family. But I thought it was some distant relative. He got angry and told me those were old wives’ tales. At breakfast, I asked him if I could buy black satin for a blouse to get ready for the Obilić concert and Jova replied, “Why do you want to have everything black? Nobody has died.” I later went to the store and ran in to the postman, who gave me the wire about my mother’s illness. I wonder if the dream was some kind of premonition? I didn’t sleep well last night, which is why I remembered the dream and made the connection with what happened. �is is also why I decided to write it down. I am ge�ing ready to go to the funeral service for my mother. �is time I will take Dragan with me, because he was Grandma’s favorite. I think she was always sorry her son died, and regre�ed not having other male children. When Dragan was born my mother and father were both very happy. St. Archangel, November 8, 191017

�e day a�er tomorrow I will go to Arandjelovac with Dragan and Danko. I am ge�ing ready, and still cannot believe Mother is not alive anymore and will not be waiting for me when I come. I remember when she sat at the weaver’s frame not long ago, weaving for somebody else in order to earn money to keep up the house. A�er she married, she worked hard all the time with my father until they acquired what they have now. My father was o�en wasteful and, had it not been for her, he would not have had anything ever. My father has now decided to sell the house she raised us in and which holds all our memories. When I remember, dear Mother, how o�en I caused you pain when I came home from school and refused to believe in anything. �at was difficult for you, because you were sincerely religious and actually believed what you were teaching me. I feel you are still here with me, and I remember your sacri�ces.

17

St. Michael the Archangel was claimed as a patron saint of chivalry during the Middle Ages and later became the patron of soldiers and police officers.

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I am now married to a man who suffered half of his life and who didn’t have the things I had at my parents’ house. He told me about his childhood and youth, so I only now see how lucky I was, while his life was a struggle. I am lucky with him now, because he always has enough understanding for me, and tries to protect me from all difficulties. May God protect him and our children, and may our children have a happy childhood and youth. Nenad was rolling on the bed and scolding Mila’s doll. Dragan said, “�e doll is Nenad’s husband.” I asked him why, and he replied, “Well, because he’s scolding her.” Since I scold Jova in front of the children, and they know he is my husband, they concluded that the doll is Nenad’s husband. December 17, 1910

Jova is preoccupied with work and feeling offended. He came to the position of independent county engineer from state service, and his job was to build the Šabac–Koviljača railroad. He fought everybody, and managed to do everything the way it should be done, and today, instead of being grateful, they offend him. �e head of the county, Mihajlo Ranković, is opposed to Jova’s work, because Jova refused to do any favors for the brothers Mitrović, the contractors with whom Ranković has business connections. It takes guts for a mere clerk to resist a people’s deputy who is used to doing things his way in the county, and who has tried to control Jova’s work in the same way. �ey’ve had clashes from the start of the construction work, but not as openly as now. At the start, the contractors complained to Ranković that Jova’s staff didn’t measure the materials according to regulations but reduced the quantity. Jova took notice of that and asked the contractors to form their commi�ee, while the town would form its own, and investigate the ma�er. �e commi�ee established that the work was done, not to the loss of contractors, but the county itself. �en Ranković, whom the contractors asked to be on their commi�ee, refused to sign the report, withheld his opinion, and warned Jova that he’d be�er cut the contractors some slack. Jova replied that he has to follow regulations, regardless of whom he’s dealing with. Ranković then started threatening Jova, telling him that he was the one who appointed him to his position and that he could also �re him. He probably said this because they both belong to the same party, and Ranković voted in favor of Jova’s hiring. Jova’s response to him was as follows: “I won’t interfere with your plow, and you shouldn’t interfere with my pro�les and work. I don’t think it was you who got 113

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me this position, but my diplomas and credentials, along with my work. Should I convince myself otherwise, there won’t be any need for you to �re me because I’ll leave myself. I don’t want the support of my party, I want my work and reliability to speak for themselves.” And so two members of the same party started �ghting each other. Meanwhile, the County Commi�ee did certain things against Jova’s will and without his knowledge. �ey purchased certain quantities of freighters and gravel, as a result of which the county lost 68,000 dinars. Ranković told the County Assembly that this was Jova’s fault. �e Commi�ee for Requests and Complaints has taken the ma�er off their agenda and referred it to the party club for discussion, asking Jova to provide an explanation. Jova refused to do it and asked the County Assembly to form an expert commi�ee to investigate the expenses and have the one responsible bear the consequences. �e members of the club refused to do it, because it would be bad for the party if the ma�er were made public, and asked Jova to respond to Ranković’s allegations. Jova did, and completely beat Ranković. �en the ma�er had to be smoothed over, because details started leaking into the public. �e Assembly then decided to form a commi�ee out of Assembly members to look into the ma�er and report to the party commi�ee. Jova was offended by the choice of unprofessional members for the investigative commi�ee, but accepted it. A�eramonth,thecommi�eesubmi�edareport.Jovahandedin hisresignation. Item 1 of the report says that Jova’s work is beyond reproach and exemplary, and that everything is �ne and dandy, and then, another item says that he wasn’t skillful enough in administration. Jova responded that such contradictory remarks can only come from hotheads and that he, as an honorable man, doesn’t see his place among them. �e municipal clerk tried to explain that no insult was intended, but Jova rejected his explanation and stood by his decision. A�er that Jova went to Belgrade on business, and I now can’t wait for him to come back, so that the whole ma�er can be resolved. We can see what the Municipal Assembly has decided. �e public is already on Jova’s side. �at village villain Mihajlo is not worthy of mention, despite the fact that he is a people’s deputy. �e people know him well already. December 19, 1910

�e children are playing nicely, so I decided to sit down to write a few things. I am waiting for Jova. He called to say he would travel back through Klenak. I am worried that something could happen to him on the trip. It’s still not safe for him to travel, because he is a deserter of the Austrian army, although he has had the 114

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status of a Serbian soldier for ten years now. �e Austrians might want to punish him for leaving Bosnia, and Bosnia isn’t that far away from here.18 It has snowed outside, but we are cozy and warm inside. I was looking through the window for a long time. �e night looks mysterious and magical. One can see the whiteness of snow even in the dark. �e yard fence is covered in snow and, beyond the fence, the �eld is under the white snow. A li�le further away there is the power plant’s chimney from which black smoke billows far into the distance towards the Sava River. I am thinking about my mother. Her grave is now also covered with snow. Did my sisters go to the cemetery to cover her with �owers? God knows when I’ll be able to go and visit her grave. When she was still alive, I didn’t give her as much love as she deserved, because I was the �rst to marry and leave the house. Does it mean anything to her that I am thinking of her now? Whenever I remember her, I think of her love, which I feel still today as if she is next to me now. When I mourned my mother I mourned an entire world, the world I knew and loved, the time before I knew life, because I was shielded from everything and loved. Now is the time for me to give that to my children. I have been reading Anna Karenina recently. Jova is too busy with his profession and work and doesn’t read anything except for the newspapers. He is less romantic than I am, but still knows how to be affectionate and gentle. We only subscribe to �e Daily News, Politics, Echo, and Serbian Word.19 �ere have not been any new or important events lately. I see that the heir to the throne, Alexander, is doing well, otherwise he wouldn’t have stayed at the reception at the Russian embassy until three in the morning. Echo describes the luxury at the reception. �ey say that two stages were decorated with roses. We also subscribe to Fortune Teller, Technical News, Serbian Literary Herald, Serbian Literary Society, Zabavnik—a pictorial magazine, and Srbadija—the magazine of the United Organization of Serbian Youth. Something for everybody. I look through all of the papers and read only certain things; I don’t have time for everything. We also have a lot of books. I buy them because I mostly read books. January 31, 1911

�ree days ago we returned from Belgrade, where we went a�er receiving news that Jova’s brother Luka is ill. His condition is quite bad indeed, but he 18 19

Klenak is a Serbian town not far from Šabac but at the time it was still part of Bosnia, recently annexed by Austria-Hungary. �e Daily News and Politics were fairly typical political newspapers; Echo was the newspaper of the Independent Radical Party; and Serbian Word was a weekly newspaper about politics, literature, and society.

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won’t admit it. He refused to see a doctor or to take any money from us. In the end, we went to see a doctor who is a friend of his, and he told us some things about Luka’s illness. Jova gave him 100 dinars and asked him to call a group of select medical experts who would decide what should be done. We returned home a�er that and last night the doctor informed us on the phone that the doctors met and that there was no hope. He said that things are pre�y bad and that Jova should come to Belgrade. Jova will thus leave at two o’clock in the a�ernoon today. February 2, 1911

Jova has not called yet to report on Luka’s condition. I would be sorry if he didn’t manage to persuade him to come to stay with us. I would do anything to make him well again, and hope that staying with us would help him. Jova’s nephew Bogoljub, who is staying with us, suddenly started to vomit today. I am doing the same for him as I would do for my own children but am worried because I’m not his mother and my responsibility is greater. February 19, 1911

All the children have smallpox. I had just started to think the danger was over, because Dragan had already had smallpox, but he then got an in�ammation of the kidneys. He is still lying in bed like the other children and is on a special diet. Mila’s smallpox was most visible, especially a�er a bath. A�er they had all �nally recovered from smallpox, they got a bad cough. �e glands in Dragan’s neck were swollen, so we had to call the doctor again. He recommended that all the children drink an herbal remedy.20 During that time, when the children were sick, I went to Belgrade with Jova because of Luka. I didn’t have time to write about this then. We did everything we could to persuade him to let one of us go to Vienna with him to be examined by the doctors there, but he refused. He decided to go alone. �e doctors in Belgrade were against it, but he wanted to go, so we saw him off on the 14th and returned to Belgrade. �e following day we got a wire from Dr. Djukić from Vienna, in which he asked Jova to come. Jova le� the same day. 20

Smallpox is a highly infectious, air-borne disease that has only recently been driven to near extinction with the global use of vaccines and isolation measures. With an almost 30 percent fatality rate, smallpox is characterized by pimple-like blisters that cover the body, fever, organ failure, coughing, and a sickly sweet odor that rises from the dead cells on the blisters. Europe saw a massive outbreak in 1902–03. Until as recently as 1968, smallpox killed an estimated two million people every year.

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I have now received a wire that Jova had to put Luka in a sanatorium and is returning home. I sent Jova an express wire to have his stomach checked as well since he’s already there. �ey didn’t give Jova a diagnosis in Belgrade, and everybody can now see that he’s sick. I am worried about him. Luka’s illness has shaken him so much that he has lost the will to do anything. He is so depressed that only the children can distract him from his pain. When we were in Belgrade, we spent all our time with Luka, except when he was resting. We went to the theater only once. Between the acts I met Ančica, a friend of mine from when I was a young woman and a teacher in Topola. When we returned to the hotel, I was still so happy and dreamy from the memories of my youth that I didn’t notice the deep sadness on Jova’s face. I threw myself at him, but he remained cold. Surprised and hurt, I turned away from him, and he only then became aware of me and asked me what was wrong. Without thinking, I said I was unhappy because I can see that we are ge�ing old and that I expect only the worst from the future. �is is what my explosive nature is capable of. He was distraught because of his beloved brother’s illness, and I again wanted him only for myself and mostly out of jealousy told him, “How much worse will it be when you lose him. We will be so distressed that we won’t be able to stand each other. Misfortune has a way of bringing even the worst enemies together, but it seems to me it will bring us apart.” A�er I u�ered these harsh and unfair words, he, having realized what was going on with me, smiled and with that gentle smile of his simply said, “My donkey.” It was only at this point that I realized how small and sel�sh I had been, whereas Jova, as unhappy as he was, was still able to understand me, thereby proving that he was more mine than I could imagine, and that his love and affection for me exists even when I don’t see it. He has now again gone to see Luka, and I can’t wait for him to come back. I would like to hear that Luka is going to recover, because Jova suffers a lot because of it. I can’t wait to say goodbye to Šabac and the crooked people here, who weren’t able to drag him into their dirty schemes, motivated by politics and dishonesty. It’s difficult for him to �ght such conniving people who are interested only in ge�ing rich in a dishonest way. Hopefully we will �nd another quiet corner with honest people somewhere on this planet. �is morning Jova called to say he was coming back. I have been worried about him since the day he le� because he didn’t dress warmly enough and it has snowed and rained in the meantime. Dragan asked me today if he could write a book or a story. I don’t know where he got this idea so young, but I told him to start with a story and bought 117

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him a notebook only for that purpose. I have dreamt of encouraging him to write. I myself have wanted to write but have never found the courage to actually try. I am therefore glad that my child is interested in writing. I advised him to read a lot. It’s best for him to try when he wants to, and we’ll see whether he has the talent for it. I recently bought a number of books for our home library. I also bought children’s books. It’s time for the older children to start reading. February 20, 1911

Dragan bought an eraser with his pocket money. When I asked him whose eraser it was, he didn’t dare tell me because hadn’t told me about buying it. I then read to him about a child who lies from �e Li�le Educator. I have to teach him what’s wrong early, although he’s a good child now. My sister Bela is doing needlework, and she has drawn some �owers on a small piece of cloth for Mila, so they are working together. Mila likes to sit with her and they always talk about something, as if they were both big girls. I have pain in my chest and can hardly breathe. I don’t know if I have caught a cold, because I o�en go outside to get water or hang out the laundry. I will have to put a coat on every time. My hemorrhoids also hurt, and I can’t sit down. I am starting to lose weight and feel weak, and my lower back hurts as well. When Jova and I last went to the spa, I got leukorrhea.21 �e doctor is constantly at our house these days, and I ask him only about the children, I don’t even remember to ask about myself. �ey say that the County Assembly will decide on Jova’s resignation on March 1. I hope that the real culprits will come out, and that Jova will get his satisfaction, because he is leaving a group of people he no longer wants to be part of. He is glad he’s leaving behind a �nished project—the Šabac–Koviljača railroad—for which he has received praise from the relevant people. Had Jova not been as conscientious and honest as he was, he could now have 50,000 dinars in cash. But he opposed their foul dealings and a con�ict broke out. �e party doesn’t want to persecute its members, and so the responsible person was never accused. February 22, 1911

Jova came home from Vienna on Saturday around ten o’clock in the evening. He had put his brother in a sanatorium. As soon as he arrived in Vienna, he 21

Leukorrhea produces a whitish vaginal discharge resulting from in�ammation. Nataljia has the common symptoms of weakness and aching in the lower back and calves. Causes include poor diet, irritation of the mucous membrane, and poor hygiene.

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went to see Luka at the hotel. Jova had the help of some doctors and friends, but they weren’t able to do anything until Luka’s friend, the secretary at the Serbian Embassy in Vienna, arrived and managed to persuade Luka to go see Prof. Wagner. He examined Luka and told him to go to the sanatorium. Jova and the others drove Luka straight to the Herman Sanatorium outside of Vienna. Jova met all the �nancial requirements, paid a deposit in the amount of 1,225 crowns, and Luka remained there. Saying goodbye was the hardest thing for Jova. When they embraced and Luka started walking back, Jova almost ran away, distressed as he was. �at evening Jova started out for Šabac, arriving on Saturday evening. He slept a li�le in the carriage, dreaming that someone pulled out his tooth, causing him terrible pain. I don’t like the sound of that dream. Jova didn’t go to the clinic for his own health and he didn’t get himself examined, and his appearance and health frighten me. In addition to all the other difficulties, this thing with Luka hit him really hard, because Luka was always not only his brother, but also his idol and best friend. �is is a hard blow for him. March 5, 1911

I have been in a bad mood all day. As I was preparing the beds for sleeping, I remembered Luka and burst into tears. We received the �rst report about him today, a�er 15 days. �e report reads: Brother Luka Zrnić, unfortunately incurable. Peaceful for now.22 Around �ve o’clock Jova returned from the office angry and depressed. Soon a�er, he le� the house without saying anything, something he normally doesn’t do. He can’t share his sadness with me, and that hurts me. I know I have to have understanding for him because he is preoccupied with his pain, worries, and God know what else that I don’t know about. When he hides something from me I feel like he is withholding something from me that I am entitled to. Am I overly possessive? But don’t I also give to him what I expect from him? I made tatlije23 today. Mila is kni�ing socks for her doll. She grasped quickly how to do it, and can now do it well alone. All the children still cough a lot, so I 22

23

�e story of Jova’s brother, Luka, is one of the great mysteries in the Zrnić family. Certainly, Natalija never explains it in any detail. Luka was a highly educated man—a published historian—but also clearly a bit eccentric. He was very dear to the family and maintained close relations with them for a very long time. Nonetheless, the details of his illness and death (which took place sometime a�er 1927) remain unknown. Most living family members assume he had schizophrenia, but some believe that he suffered from syphilis, which, if untreated, can a�ack the brain. However, although patients with syphilis may go through periods of apparent remission, when the disease reaches the point that it causes apparent insanity it is in its �nal stages and the patient is likely to die within a fairly short time. Luka not only survived until well a�er the First World War, but seemed in some years to be relatively healthy, making a diagnosis of syphilis seem less likely. A dish made with �our, bu�er, sour cream, eggs, and sugar.

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bought syrup for them and every evening I make tea for them from �gs and white, black, and brown sugar. �ey like to drink this mixture, and it does them good.24 Jova had a phone call from Valjevo. �ey are offering him the position of independent engineer with the salary of 800 dinars. �ey say they would welcome him with open arms. I decided to send Mila and Danko to Arandjelovac with my sister, Bela, for their grandmother’s funeral service. I can’t go because I’m preparing for the move. We are supposed to move around May 23, and I have already started packing certain things that we won’t need in the meantime. We now have a lot of things, and I have to see what we are going to take with us, and what we are going to sell or give to someone else. I will write to Jova’s nephew Svetko tonight about Luka’s illness. He is right, nobody else is even asking about him. I am surprised that Jova’s brother Mića doesn’t feel more concerned. March 25, 1911

Luka has wri�en to us three times already. He wants Jova to come and get him out of the sanatorium, because he can’t stand it there anymore. Bela, Danko, and Mila le�. We asked Jova’s nephew Svetko to come and go to Vienna with me, because Jova can’t go. He has to �nish all the work here and hand over his duties. April 6, 1911

Svetko went to Vienna alone. He got Luka out of the sanatorium and reached Zagreb with him. �ey parted there. Svetko went to Jajce, and Luka to Opatija. �is morning we got a le�er from Luka and a man called Brane Micić, who said that Luka was at the hospital and doing very badly. Since Jova can’t go to Bosnia, he prepared me for the trip and I am leaving tomorrow. Svetko shouldn’t have le� Luka alone, but there is nothing we can do now; I hope he’ll at least listen to me, so that I’ll be able to bring him here. At �ve o’clock on April 7, Jova escorted me to the boat. A�er we departed, I stood for a ways, then sat down for a bit, and was then standing again all the way to Zagreb. I watched the countryside standing by the window. �ere is the Sava River again and across the river—Bosnia, where Jova was born. We then descended towards the sea. It was a wonderful view. I arrived in Rijeka around eight o’clock in the morning. I got on the minibus, went to the hotel, and called the hospital. �e meeting with Luka was terrible. I ran around all day in order to get everything done 24

“Black sugar” is the result of �rst boiling and then skimming off juice from crushed sugar cane. �e product is a molasses-laden sugar that resembles fudge.

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so that I could get him on the six o’clock express train. At eight in the morning on the 9th, we le� from Zagreb to Belgrade in the company of a male nurse. Jova met us in Ruma, and we reached Belgrade around noon. We took Luka to the hospital, and then went to spend the night at the Paris Hotel. We were busy with formalities regarding Luka’s examination and admission to the hospital until the 14th. At two o’clock in the a�ernoon we le� for Arandjelovac, and from there returned home with the children. We have now started packing and are waiting to go. April 19, 1911

I went to Arandjelovac and returned on the 22nd. In the meantime we received a report that Luka has been transferred to a mental hospital. April 26, 1911

Everything is packed already and we are sending our things to Vranje tomorrow, where Jova will take a position as an independent engineer. We depart for Vranje on Saturday. We have spent four and a half years here, but I’m not sorry we are leaving. �ey say that Vranje is the most romantic place in Serbia, but Jova says it’s actually a big village. Be that as it may, I love hills and forests, and the children will grow strong in the clean air there. Besides, we have already decided to go, so we’ll see. I remember when we walked through the wonderful countryside in Paraćin to meet Jova on his way back from work. When we met him, he played with his �rstborn son, ran, threw him in the air and caught him in his arms, and he was so thrilled he didn’t want to leave his side. Jova carried him all the way to the monastery, because at that time I was already pregnant with our �rst daughter. How happy and cheerful we were outside in that beautiful nature! How wonderful and beautiful those evenings were that we spent in the silence of the monastery. Here in Šabac everything is �at and dusty and we haven’t had such a good time, although our love is still the same. We were always inside the house, because there is no beautiful countryside here. �e soil is fertile here, we are surrounded by �elds and meadows, with no hills or forests. I am now looking forward to beautiful nature again, and believe we’ll all feel be�er there. On Saturday Jova will go visit Luka, to see if there is anything he can do to make things easier for him. On Sunday we’ll all go to Vranje together, except for Jova’s nephew, Bogoljub, whom we will leave with my sister Juca so that he can �nish elementary school. A�er that he will return to Bosnia with his brother, Dušan. If he were a be�er student, we wouldn’t send him back, but since he can’t go on to any 121

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kind of higher education, it’s a waste of time for him to stay here. He is not a bad kid, but somewhat slow, and has trouble learning. Dušan is completely different; although they are real brothers, he is smart and a good student. April 28, 1911

We had lunch at the Podrinje restaurant with the commi�ee and the contractors, and at three o’clock said goodbye to our acquaintances. We returned by train. On the way we said goodbye at every station, and Jova told everybody to be honest, hard working, and careful. And so for the last time we traveled along the railroad that Jova laid and built. It was like visiting a pet before departing and leaving it behind. May 3, 1911, Arandjelovac

We rested here from the journey, our impressions, and worries. Tomorrow we will go to Vranje with the children. We arrived in Belgrade at noon and immediately went to the Paris Hotel, where I stayed to unpack and rest. Jova went across the road to the doctor’s office, to have his stomach checked. When he returned, he told me the doctor said to him that his stomach was �ne but that he is worn out. A diet without any spices or alcohol should take care of that. A�er that we went to the hospital at Vračar to see Luka. He wasn’t surprised when he saw us and said he was hoping we would come. We brought him some oranges and cake. Luka said he didn’t want to stay at the hospital. I am also opposed to us leaving him there but Jova doesn’t want to decide anything without a doctor’s opinion. I am under the impression that Luka is locked up there and fed, but not treated, because he receives no medication. His room is all right, but there are 12 altogether in the room, which is a lot in my view, although the room is light and clean. �e people sharing the room with him aren’t serious mental patients, and they all look intelligent. Poor Čvorić, the clerk of the Loznica Commercial Court, is also with them. He didn’t recognize me straightaway. �ey also showed me the child of some priest from Solune, who was born an idiot. It breaks one’s heart to look at him, and Luka thinks it’s funny. �e doctors didn’t agree to let Luka go, so we had to leave without him. �e following day Jova took Luka’s suitcase with underwear and a suit to the hospital, and I went to the grammar school to collect his books, which he had le� there when he fell ill.

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Introduction

Chapter 4.

The Family Moves South

Background

D

uring this period, as Natalija, Jova, and their children move southward, se�ling in the southern Serbian town of Vranje, Natalija increasingly encounters the problems of backwardness. Rudimentary amenities such as running water and proper sewage disposal are lacking, as is the most basic understanding of hygiene and nutrition. Natalija’s journal re�ects her sense that the energies of middle-class men and women must be directed, albeit in different ways, toward moving Serbia along the path of economic and social development. While Natalija’s husband Jova had a more public role to play in this process, Natalija also understood herself to play a crucial part in teaching, whether her own children or peasants, the basic elements of modern hygiene, medical care, literacy, and respect for modern bureaucratic and political norms. And indeed, the medical situation of the rural population was appalling. At every possible opportunity she directed the peasants she encountered away from “the old superstitions” toward modern, scienti�c approaches and procedures. In addition to Natalija’s ba�le against disease and ignorance in Vranje, Natalija found her struggle against a sometimes “wobbly” sense of national identity perhaps the most frustrating of all. �e further south Natalija and Jova traveled, the less �rm she found the population’s sense of national identity and conviction. Children were exposed to these ideas at school—indeed some of the textbooks were wri�en by political leaders and spoke of Serbian national aims to unite all Serbs in one state—yet many parents o�en failed to send their children, especially daughters, to school. Even those who a�ended were not usually imbued, to Natalija’s mind, with a sufficiently strong sense of the Great Serbian Mission. 123

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And this mission, during Natalija and Jova’s stay in Vranje, increasingly came to involve the population to the south, in Macedonia and Kosovo. With the frustration of Serbs’ national ambitions in Bosnia, and the increasing weakness of the O�oman Empire, Serbs increasingly turned their a�ention toward acquiring territory to the south, in Kosovo and Maceconia. Both of these areas remained under O�oman control, but both had restive populations anxious to join in the formation of national states. While most Serbs believed these areas should naturally fall to the Serbian state, their native populations had different ideas. According to Turkish statistics, in 1908–09, 81.6 percent of the population of Kosovo was Albanian and many wished to be joined to an independent Albanian state. �is goal was vehemently opposed by Serbs, who believed that Kosovo, or Old Serbia as many of them called it, constituted the very heart of Serbia; the medieval kingdom had been centered on this territory and the founding seat and majority of monasteries of the Serbian Orthodox Church were located there. Macedonians presented a different problem. While the majority were united around their desire to be free from the O�oman Empire, they disagreed over the character of their national identity and the state to which they should belong; some considered themselves Serbs, but others considered themselves Bulgarian, and still others a nation of their own. Perhaps more to the point, this population had learned over time to adapt itself to whatever rulers held power on any given day and were perfectly prepared to adjust their national identities as needed. With the border of the O�oman Empire within walking distance from Vranje, Natalija and her family were very aware of Serbia’s claims to the south, and, though their heart lay with the task of securing Bosnia for the Serbian state, they enthusiastically supported the war over these southern Serbian territories that was soon to break out.

Vranje (1911–1915) May 22, 1911

Sometime in early May, my older sister, Juca, the children, and I travelled from Arandjelovac to Niš. We made a sightseeing tour of Niš and spent the night there. �e following morning we took the six o’clock express train to Vranje, arriving at nine o’clock. �e children were well rested and in a good mood, only Danko was afraid of the tunnels. Jova met us at the station, and the children and he embraced 124

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each other happily. �e station is some three kilometers away from the center of the town, so we took a carriage. When we arrived, I saw that the town was located on a plateau and surrounded by hills and rocks. We stayed at the Vranje hotel until our house was ready. Jova had rented a stand-alone house surrounded by a yard and a high, built fence. �ere are four rooms with a large hallway in the middle, and another small building in the yard with two rooms and a kitchen, most likely for the servants. Jova took it for a high price, given the local market. �e priest really robbed him. But what can I do now—Jova had come here alone before us to �nd something for us before we arrived. �at’s the way he is, he doesn’t know how to haggle and always pays the asking price. �e priest had certainly asked for more than he had hoped to get, but there is no point in me talking to him now when everything is over and done with. We spent a whole week unpacking and se�ling in. �e following week we bought a cow with a calf. �e cow’s name is Bula, and the calf ’s name is Cvetica. Now we’ll have milk for the children and won’t have to buy it. Despite all the comfort and space, the house is an old Turkish house and not the best quality. Perhaps we will �nd something be�er later. June 15, 1911

We took the children to the nearest peak above Vranje, where the forest station society has built a small pavilion. It took us two hours and a half on foot. We took food and extra clothing with us. All the children did well on the walk. At the pavilion on top, one can buy a snack and a drink; the water is excellent there. �e view from the top is magni�cent: Vranje in front of us, surrounded by watchtowers on the heights on the border between Serbia and Turkey. On the way back in the evening we stopped by the hotel to have a beer. We were tired, but happy, because we had had a really nice time. I spent the second week doing laundry and looking for a servant, because there is a lot to do despite the fact that my sister Juca is with us. I took a woman for 18 dinars. Her name is Seta. I let go of the man who we found �rst, because he was no good. For cleaning and looking a�er the cow and bringing water I took a ��hgrade grammar school student whose name is Milorad. In Vranje I met my school friend Olga who is now married to Prof. Pavić. Dragan has started school. People speak very badly here. �ey even use different words, so we have to get used to them in order to understand what they are saying. I will try to protect the children from it. I have to prevent them from mixing with the local children, because otherwise my children will quickly adopt the local language. 125

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We are still ge�ing used to our new life. �e scenery is beautiful, but the people are more primitive. I am unsatis�ed with the house—the rooms are so dark. We have decided to lease an old abandoned vineyard for the cow to graze in. I o�en take the children there. It has a unique location, and the cherries that grow there will soon be ripe. Yesterday Jova and I went there with the children. We had a wonderful time and were very happy. On Ascension Day1 we went to the park. Last night we went to the theater—it was boring. �e salon at the Vranje hotel where the performances take place looks like a municipal tavern, and the audience is even worse. �oseonthestage bothered us with the jokes designed for the local audience. I �nd them appalling. I can see that it will take a long time before the people in this area are cultivated. It has been raining today. Jova was asked to go with the pharmacist to Vranjska Banja spa, because the county wants to get a concession to renovate it. Jova then went to Markov Kal—a hill with the ruins of an old town.2 He says it’s wonderful there. Jova will construct a road leading to the ruins, and we’ll also go. On the 19th of this month Jova went to the Saint Ilija watchtower with our brother-inlaw, a captain and commander of border area forces. As soon as the strawberries begin to ripen, we’ll also go, because Jova says it’s beautiful. Except for the natural surroundings, everything is rather poor here. Dirt and laziness. On Pentecost Jova and I will go to see Luka and bring him here if he wants to come. In the 102nd issue of Self-Management there was an article against Jova. As a correction to that article, Jova sent a detailed report to Echo magazine describing the work of the author of the article, the municipal clerk from Šabac.3 We immediately received phone calls from people in Šabac. June 18, 1911

For Pentecost we went to Belgrade.4 We �rst went to see the doctor to talk about Luka. He said he would allow Luka to leave the hospital only with Jova’s 1 2

3

4

Ascension Day is the holiday commemorating Christ’s ascension to Heaven. Also known as Holy �ursday, it is celebrated in the Eastern tradition with an all-night vigil on the fourth �ursday a�er Easter. Markov Kal—Marko’s Fortress—sat on a large rock 3 km northwest of Vranje. According to legend, it was the site of the town of Serbia’s heroic mythical prince, Marko Kraljevic. Its precise age is unknown, but it was intended to secure Vranje, a border town in the medieval Serbian kingdom, against O�oman incursions. By the time Natalija lived in Vranje, it was mainly a popular picnic site. Self-Management (or Samouprava) was the newspaper of the original Old Radical Party from which the Independent Radicals, to which Jova belonged, had split in 1905 and with whom they were in constant con�ict. Echo was the newspaper of the Independent Radicals. Pentecost (which literally means the ��ieth day in Greek) is an important feast in the Christian liturgical calendar. Celebrated on the ��ieth day a�er Easter Sunday, it commemorates the descent of the Holy Spirit upon the Apostles and other followers of Jesus.

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guarantees. From there we went to Luka. We found him fully coherent but a li�le bit angry. When we asked him to come with us to Vranje, he was glad. We �nished everything that day. �at evening we went to see the Croatian opera ensemble from Zagreb. �e following day Jova went to the engineer’s association. We then picked up Luka and we all went together to the officer’s club for lunch. We returned to Vranje that evening. A�er only one day Luka was bored at our house and asked to go to Belgrade. He cried like a child and quarreled with Jova, who wanted to keep him here. �e following day he was already happier and said he would stay for a while. One day we all went to the spa. Luka didn’t like it but he stayed there. I visited him on another day with Mila and Danko and found him complaining of boredom, as usual. June 24, 1911

Jova has been on the road since Tuesday. I am thinking of today’s crisis and the break-up between the Independents and the Old Radicals.5 �e children are playing in the yard. Mila has some girlfriends over. Nenad is hanging around them. Yesterday a rooster a�acked him with his claws and poked him in his le� cheekbone with its beak. �ere was a lot of blood. �e rooster could have blinded him, so I cut the rooster’s throat. I have been sewing underwear for me and the children. Nenad is marching in the yard, shouting, “One, two…!” He is obsessed with the military. Every time he hears soldiers he walks up to the gate to watch them. Jova says Nenad will be a high-ranking officer one day, but I wouldn’t like that. It would be be�er if he studied to become an engineer. I would like Dragan to become a railway engineer, Danko a machine engineer, Nenad a mining engineer, and Mila an architect, so that they could open a private bureau together and be worthy of their father. June 25, 1911

Jova still hasn’t come and he hasn’t called either. Dragan has gone to the store and I am pu�ing the other children to bed. I am very tired and worried. I went to the vineyard in the a�ernoon because of the cow. �at child that we’ve been 5

Despite the constant con�icts between the Independent and Old Radicals a�er their split in 1905, they nonetheless formed a coalition government a�er the 1908 elections. �at coalition lasted until June of 1911, during which time the Independents suffered a loss of identity and reputation throughout the country. �e �nal break between the two was initiated by the Old Radicals, who �nally decided to call for new elections in April 1912. �e Independent Radicals lost votes compared to their showing in previous elections.

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paying to watch it had let it free and gone to pick the cherries. �e cow wandered into the neighbor’s yard and ate some sacks of beans and cabbage. �at’s what the �eld ranger said, and the child denied it. I can see the �eld ranger is scheming for money. I went with the �eld ranger to the watchmaker, whose vineyard borders ours, and he advised us to se�le the ma�er out of court and to give the �eld ranger 40 dinars. “Listen, mister,” I said, “I wouldn’t pay you that much for the entire �eld, just you go ahead and sue me, and swear that it was our cow, and we’ll pay you whatever the court decides.” �e damage was not more than 3 or 4 dinars. Cheeky Vranje people. �ey think I’m naïve, but they are dead wrong. We’ll see what happens when Jova comes back. I’d like to sell the cow; it doesn’t pay to keep it. On my way back I ran into a peasant and his wife, who were carrying a child. It was a pre�y child, a girl, two years old. �ey asked me whether they should take the sick child to the old women or the doctors. I told them not to even consider going to the old women and explained a li�le about how to feed, bathe, and care for the child. �ey told me she eats well but wakes up from sleep with a start, shouting that “she got scared.” I saw that her stomach was swollen and sent them to see the doctor. I will ask him whether they went to see him. I continued to walk and was reading a newspaper, when a peasant on a cart asked me, “What does it say in the paper? Are we going to get a new ministry?” I explained the crisis and its causes to him, and he said he had heard the Socialists would gain power. I laughed and said, “Not now, but in about 20 or 30 years, that might happen too. �ere aren’t enough of them at the moment.”6 �ey are playing taps at the barracks. It’s a beautiful night with moonlight. I have put the children to bed but have to read at least the last issue of the Literary Gaze�e before I go to bed myself. I am worried that Jova hasn’t come back yet. July 5, 1911

Jova returned not long ago but le� again yesterday to go to Leskovac. I made a summer suit and four pairs of underwear for Dragan today. I am now sewing two shirts for Mila. My sister Juca is still here, but she will go soon because my younger sister, Bela, wrote that she wants to leave home and earn some money. She can’t stay at home alone with our father anymore. Father is old, and can’t do anything himself. �ey have a low rent but a large debt, so it’s a bad situation. I have been 6

Natalija was right—the Social Democratic Party won only two seats in Parliament in the 1912 elections.

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thinking about it all day, but I don’t know what to do. It’s good that Mother died, so she doesn’t have to see their poverty. When my dad wasted all that money, he wasn’t thinking of us. I will ask Bela to stay with us, let the others do what they can. I can’t ask Jova to support them as well. July 11, 1911

Yesterday we saw Luka off—he went to Belgrade, and my sister Juca le� with him. We took a long walk in the hills today near Markov Kal. Mila and Nenad pulled off their socks and played in the river, which �ows in li�le waterfalls from rock to rock. Around us there were only rocks and cliffs. Peasants sauntered along the road, driving donkeys carrying wood. We had lunch and then climbed the walls to take a look around. �e children tore mica off the rocks while I listened to the silence that �lls the ravines under the walls. �e children and I gazed down the valley at Vranje in the distance, and then beyond to the Bulgarian border. We continued walking and two hours later reached the watchtower. �e watchtower is not a tower at all, but a real Turkish house, small and low. Around it is a small garden with vegetables and a meadow for horses. A beautiful path runs from the watchtower through the groves into the forest. �ere were six border guards there. �e guardhouse is on the road itself, owing to a�acks by the Albanians and looting on market days. A clear stream runs next to the watchtower. �e soldiers put a blanket in the deep shade of the meadow, so we rested. On the way back, we met goatherds with their �ocks. �e children gleefully sca�ered the goats. July 13, 1911

Yesterday my sister Bela wrote me that she met Luka in Belgrade. She says she will stay until he is se�led down and �nds a job. I don’t know how to help them. Jova once told me I save money on li�le things but don’t know how to save where I ought to. I’m afraid he’s referring to what I do for my family, although whenever my sisters come their help is always worth more than what they eat, and, if I give them a present, I take money from myself. I am sometimes unhappy, because we do notice if I give them something, and I can’t save, nor can I take a job myself with all these children. July 22, 1911

Jova’s clerk came to tell me that Jova had gone to Leskovac with the bridge commi�ee and won’t be back today. 129

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Today we had our family slava. �e priest cut the cake and the candle at home, and only the town clerk and his family, and my friend Olga with her children, a�ended the celebration. Only the children celebrated. We are moving to a different house. August 12, 1911

We are now in a new apartment—it is very pre�y and healthy. Today I wrote to my father asking him to sell the house, so that he doesn’t miss a good opportunity. �e children are in bed. I made a pillow from my fur coat for Nenad to cuddle with. He put his arms around it and sleeps like that. Today we all went to the market. Nenad carried a couple of small chickens. Everybody laughed when they saw him carrying the chickens like a grown man. I even bought �our, and as of today I am going to bake our own bread. �e landlady showed me how to do it the Vranje way, but I will try the recipe from the cookbook as well and see what’s be�er. A�er Trans�guration Day I hired a student. On his le� hand, he has no �ngers from the knuckles down. He �nished elementary school in two and a half years as an A student. His stepfather didn’t send him to school in time. He will study privately at home this year for the �rst year of grammar school. I will help him study and, if he remains an A student and completes his education, perhaps he’ll help my children one day. I have been preparing Mila for school as well. September 2, 1911

I took Mila to school this morning. She is the tallest and the youngest in her class. At �rst she didn’t want to go, but a�erwards, when she saw the other children, she liked it. Dragan is already in the second grade, and Danko keeps asking when he will be able to go to school as well. Jova is going to Leskovac and several other neighboring towns. In Leskovac, he is taking over the bridge on the Morava River. His predecessor was not a good worker and the works have been stopped because the concrete used is of poor quality. Jova has to correct other people’s mistakes and spend time in railroad carriages on the way. Our love is the same as it was during our honeymoon. When he’s not here, I keep thinking of his blue eyes and his kisses. September 7, 1911

Jova went to Leskovac again where he is working on the bridge project. I bought a small piglet at the market, so that we can fa�en it. I now o�en send Dragan to the store, and he has come back several times with candy, as well as other things; he 130

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says that the boy at the store gave it to him. He brought candy again today, and I questioned the student, who went with him this time. �e student told me that Dragan asked for candy, so I’ll give him a spanking because of that. Danko also got a spanking for knocking over a basket full of clean laundry, which I washed with Seta. Nenad got a spanking for taking eggs from the nest and breaking them, and Mila got a spanking for not watching him. October 15, 1911

Jova went to Belgrade for work and has just returned. He didn’t want to disturb Luka at the hospital while Luka is still in control of himself. We don’t care about what the world thinks. We just want him to feel be�er. Everybody is �ne in Arandjelovac; my father is holding up well. November 3, 1911

Jova returned from a trip to Leskovac around October 20. He had to stop the construction of the bridge, because armed peasants from two villages gathered and, with the presidents of the municipalities, tried to prevent the works from proceeding. One group wanted the road to go one way, the other another way, and they were threatening Jova. Jova le� the construction site and went to report about 15 people to the local government. He brought home a piece of bread he was given to eat there; it was as black as soil. A�er his return I started to pack for Belgrade. My sister Bela sent me a wire to come to Arandjelovac for my older sister Juca’s wedding, but the wire came too late and I didn’t go. I got a ticket from the railroad office at half price because of Jova, so on October 30, Mila and I went to Belgrade. We went to the cinema and we took Mila to the theater for the �rst time. �e following day we went to Arandjelovac, where we spent the night. A�er that Mila and I returned to Vranje. December 12, 1911

About 20 days ago, I got a boil on my right thumb and wasn’t able to write. I sent my sister Bela a wire to come and she’s here now. Last night we went to the party of the Circle of Serbian Sisters. Mila was a fairy in Cinderella, and her costume cost me 15 dinars. Jova went to Leskovac. December 31, 1911

We were healthy and cheerful for Christmas. Luka sent the children a package with �gs and candy, a puzzle for Danko, and a whistle for Nenad. Jova learned 131

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there are dishonest people here as there were in Šabac. A few days ago he gave 200 dinars from the county budget to a county deputy to take to Leskovac and pay the workers there. �e clerk handed over only 90 dinars and spent the remaining 110 dinars. He also did li�le repairs on the county road that Jova didn’t know about, nor was he obliged to know, because they were district works. �e deputy submi�ed a receipt for 150 dinars to the board for those repairs. �e board approved the receipt without any questions and returned 110 dinars to Jova, asking him to authorize the receipt. Jova refused to do it and paid the 110 dinars himself. He will report the deputy if he doesn’t return the money. Jova once paid 12 dinars for a carriage on behalf of a contractor, who now acts stupid and refuses to pay him back. He made blueprints for three people from the county, took measurements in the cold and the wind, and worked at night at home. He was supposed to get 150 dinars for that. Jova gave them the blueprints and paid the mailing expenses. �ey haven’t paid him yet. My husband now doesn’t dare ask for what belongs to him. Dishonest people exploit his goodness. January 20, 1912

Bela and I bathed the children in the kitchen. A�er that, sweaty as I was, I ran across the yard and now I don’t feel well. Jova went to the Vranje hotel to read the papers, and Bela went to visit a neighbor. Jova has been very affectionate and good to me lately. Last night he asked me not to douche and to bear him another daughter. I feel truly blessed when he loves me so much that he wants another child of mine. If only life weren’t so expensive, and his health so fragile. We have been to seven parties since this fall. First there was the Independents’ party in late September, the Singing Society party around Michaelmas, then the party of the Circle of Serbian Sisters in early December, another Singing Society party before Christmas at the Officers’ Club, then the professors and the municipal party.7 I had the best time at the professors’ and municipal party. I danced the whole time. I led the “Radicals’ dance” at two parties already and Jova was also dancing. My sister Bela and I do all the work at home, because we still don’t have a manservant. It’s easy when she’s here, but our sister Juca keeps asking her to come back. I don’t know what I’m going to do a�er that. When she’s here I also manage 7

Michaelmas, or the Feast of St. Michael the Archangel, is a holiday traditionally celebrated by the Eastern Orthodox Church on November 8 according to the old Julian calendar.

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to sew and go out. In the evening the children read or play. We bought them paints. �e schools are closed until February due to the scarlet fever.8 Luka sent me my watch repaired. He writes that he’s doing well. February 3, 1912

On the Visitation of the Virgin we all went with Bela to Vranjska Banja spa by train in the morning and returned at four o’clock in the a�ernoon.9 �ere was a strong wind and it was cold, even though the sun was shining. Bela liked the spa. It looks romantic with the steam coming from the hot, sulfurous river water. Bela is going home on Sunday. I still don’t have a manservant, but the children help me. I put 100 dinars in a savings account. Jova promised me some kind of surplus at the end of the month, so I’m saving for a trip to Berlin with the engineer’s association. February 14, 1912

Jova returned from a trip, and some of his colleagues came over to our house. �ey talked about all sorts of things, including politics. One of them explained to me how Article 32, which prevents teachers from ge�ing involved in politics, came into being. He said the idea came from a good man who meant well. �e goal was to get the police, tax authorities, monopolists, and civil servants, not teachers, out of politics, but that a�erwards the article was changed and teachers were added to the proposal. I told him to get Jova involved in politics as well, but Jova said he didn’t want to mix his work and politics, which is right. I am upset with my friend Olga Pavić. She doesn’t believe in love a�er ten years of marriage and is making fun of my feelings. Her marriage is a burden for her, and her husband complains that his son has no respect for him. No wonder, the two of them call each other names, which Jova and I would never do. Last night, her husband told me about another professor who is coming to give a lecture on Tolstoy. I am really looking forward to it. Jova and I have decided to go on a trip with the engineers at Pentecost, if everything is all right. We will go to Belgrade, Prague, Dresden, and Berlin. I would really like to see all these places. I don’t have a manservant, but Jova’s servant Aleksa helps me with the water, �rewood, and the cleaning of the yard. �e children help 8

9

Caused by the streptococcus virus, scarlet fever was a serious disease in the nineteenth century, o�en resulting in months of convalescence and complications from rheumatic fever. Its symptoms include fever, sore throat, headache, and a characteristic red rash. �e Visitation of the Virgin is a feast celebrating the visit of the Virgin Mary to the pregnant Elizabeth. During this visit, she is said to have been �lled with the Holy Spirit.

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me wash the dishes. Mila helps the most. She is very sensitive. She brought home a li�le friend of hers and gave her the white dress she wore on Willow Day. �e girl is an orphan, naked and barefoot. I also gave her some socks and another dress. March 8, 1912

Mileva, the mother of a friend of Mila’s, is a sweet-tempered woman from Vranje and has been doing all the work for me these days. On Monday, as soon as Jova le�, I cleaned the bedrooms that had been painted and emptied other rooms. I also scrubbed the front rooms and the hallway. I will do the laundry today and tomorrow, and will then start making cakes for the holidays. It’s be�er for Jova to be away during this circus. Everything will be �nished when he returns. My sister Juca called from Belgrade. She is going home to Arandjelovac. �e Independent Party held a conference here and the politician, Jaša Prodanović, was present.10 I am disappointed in the Independent Party in Šabac, but Jova still defends their policies. People say that that crooked man, Ranković, from Šabac still openly a�acks Jova. I read today that Ranković had been thrown out of the party and that the Šabac Board had been informed. I am truly pleased with this turn of events, but still think that the smartest people stay out of politics and mind their own business. All those candidates running around for election campaigns look pathetic, and the poor, dull-wi�ed masses go to those who spend more money. A�erwards, the politicians turn their back on them and follow their own interests. I put 200 more dinars in the Vranje bank. I am saving for Berlin. �is month we’ll have a lot of expenses. Jova needs a suit for 85 dinars, the children need shoes for 30 dinars, and Dragan needs hats and an overcoat for 35. I went to Dragan’s school. His schoolmates are destitute and poor. �ey are dressed poorly and are of limited understanding. It’s simply shocking how much the backwardness here affects the children. March 19, 1912

�is evening Jova went again to Leskovac. Yesterday he was with the county clerk a�ending the conference of the Independent Party and the Radicals. 10

Jaša Prodanović was a founder and leader of the Republican Party and later a member of the Serbian Academy of the Sciences and Arts. He was minister of education and minister of economics in the Kingdom of Serbia. Later during the interwar period, Natalija strongly supported his Republican Party, which was, incidentally, the only legal party in Serbia to openly support women’s right to vote. Immediately a�er the Second World War, he was brie�y a vice president of the Federal Government of Yugoslavia.

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Yesterday the singing society gave a concert. Father Andjelković spoke about the women and fashion. I didn’t go, but they say he a�acked women, fashion, and making oneself look pre�y. All the women are angry with him. Election campaigns are in full swing. �e outcome of the elections is hard to predict, although the Old Radicals have lost a lot of their supporters. Still, there is a lot of corruption, and, with the help of the police, they will certainly get up to the half of the deputies.11 March 29, 1912

We spent Easter mostly alone. On the second day of Easter holiday we went for a walk through different neighborhoods in Vranje. �e children liked the carousel in the park the best. On the third day I took the children to the cinema. Jova stayed at home working on some blueprints. It snowed last night. All the roofs are white and it is cold. Today our hen took out the chicks. �e children played with them all day. Bela wrote that she is upset that nothing came out of Juca’s wedding. Today I made Mila a dress for school. I am still without a manservant, but the children help me a lot. Dragan carries �rewood and cleans, and Mila washes the dishes with me. Every evening the children pray: “Dear God, help everybody, including us.” St. George’s Day, April 23, 191212

Mila fell ill before Jova returned. I called the doctor. He prescribed something for the cough and said he would come again. He came again a�er lunch and said she has in�uenza. �en Jova came as well. In the morning, Mila’s fever dropped. Jova went to school with the children and a�er that to his office. I cleaned the rooms and went to take Mila’s temperature. I put the thermometer box on the bed. All of a sudden, she yelled that she had swallowed the 3-centimeter-long aluminum lid of the thermometer box. �e maid ran to get Jova. We gave Mila milk to drink, and I rushed to the military hospital to ask the doctor what to do. He said not to worry, that the lid will come out by itself if I give her roasted potatoes with meat and milk with semolina and rice. He said not to give her any purgatives, but the midwife should give her an enema because she was constipated before. 11 12

And so they did. In the 1912 elections, Old Radicals gained 54.8 percent of seats, Independents 24.6 percent, the National Party 11.4 percent, Progressives 7.8 percent, and Socialists 1.2 percent. St. George’s Day is celebrated in several countries that have taken St. George as their patron saint, including England, Portugal, Bulgaria, and Serbia. Most countries observe St. George’s Day on April 23. �e date of his death is traditionally accepted to be 303 CE.

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�e following day the doctor came and the midwife gave her an enema again. In the a�ernoon the doctor came again and told us to give her castor oil, but nothing came out. Yesterday a�ernoon she got a fever and the �rst symptoms of measles. She had bowel movements in the a�ernoon, but the thing didn’t come out. Today she had a fever of 40º C all day, and a rash.13 �e doctor says it’s a typical case of measles.14 April 25, 1912

Mila was in a very bad state, and on St. George’s day the doctor came and gave her medication to lower the fever and a cream. He said we should keep her in a dark room. �at night Jova and I took turns watching her. She was feeling bad and when she was delirious asked about her grandmother. �is scared me. Fortunately, she was feeling be�er yesterday, and this morning she �nally pooped out that piece of aluminum. It was completely black, most likely from the acid in the stomach and bowels. April 29, 1912

It’s like a hospital at our house. Mila had barely recovered, and yesterday she went out into the yard for a bit. In the a�ernoon her fever rose again to 38º C,15 so I put her back to bed. A�er lunch Nenad fell ill, and it seems that Danko will too. �is evening Jova and I sat in bed in each other’s arms and talked about the future. We realized we can’t go on that trip. Let the children get well, and we’ll go next year. I will save 700 dinars. Luka will soon go to Vienna, and then to the Riviera. I am worried about him going abroad. I am afraid somebody might notice his absent-mindedness, mug him, and have him locked up, as happened once already in Rijeka. Jova had enough worry with him last year. I ordered a school blackboard for the children. Ascension Day

�e house still resembles a hospital. Danko, Dragan, and Nenad have the measles, but Danko has the worst case. Every day they carry the dead from the hospital down the street. Last night Jova was supposed to go away, but he stayed until this evening, and will go then. I will remain alone with the sick children. Last 13 14 15

104º F. Measles is a highly contagious illness more commonly found in children, o�en with Vitamin A de�ciencies. Symptoms include a facial rash, coughing, conjunctivitis (pink eye), middle ear infection, and diarrhea. 100.4º F.

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night my maid Danica also fell ill, so I let her go home. I need to have Aleksa sleep at the house in case of an emergency related to the children. A couple of days ago a certain contractor came to ask me to put in a good word for him with Jova. I told him, “I am sorry, I neither can nor want to hear about things that concern my husband’s work. My children are sick and I don’t have time for you.” He replied, “As you know, the county has announced an opening for bids to build the embankment securing the Morava River. Although the minister approved the solicitation, the county commi�ee won’t allow Mr. Zrnić to include me in the construction. If you persuade him to do it, I’ll give you 1,200 dinars.” I didn’t let him �nish, but scolded him and sent him away. I told him never to dare approach me with such suggestions, and that it was good that my husband wasn’t there, because he would have fared ill. �is confused him and he said, “Everybody in the county knows and respects your husband. He is not the one preventing it, it’s Toma, the chairman.” “�at’s rubbish,” I said. “�ey are all protecting county interests and have nothing against certain individuals. �ey are only doing their duty, and nobody can in�uence that, including me, because I respect my husband.” He le� apologizing. When I told this to Jova, he laughed and said, “Crazy man, I told him to wait. He can’t lose anything, and the county has to complain about the minister’s illegal decision. A�er that the county commi�ee will resolve the ma�er. We don’t care one way or the other—we also want the works to start as soon as possible.” May 8, 1912

�e children are doing be�er every day. Today I let them out into the yard in the a�ernoon, because it’s warmer than inside. Yesterday I dusted the whole house and disinfected it with carbolic acid.16 I washed the sheets and the children’s underwear. I only need to iron it. Yesterday we went to bed early, but then Jova came. July 21, 1912

Everything happened differently than we had planned. On St. Peter’s Day I received a wire that my older sister, Juca, had go�en engaged to Mr. Mladen Cerović, a military accountant from Valjevo. Because of that I went to Arandjelovac. 16

�e antiseptic properties of carbolic acid, or phenol, were �rst discovered by Sir Joseph Lister (1827–1912), who published his pioneering techniques in 1867 in the journal �e Lancet.

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Soon a�er our arrival, her �ancé Mladen came to make arrangements for the wedding. He seems good-natured but rather simple. He upset me a li�le bit by not trusting us enough to wait until November for 1,000 dinars, until my father gets the rest of the money for the estate (he would get 3,000 straightaway). He didn’t say no but he didn’t give me a straight answer either. I therefore asked Jova to give me my 1,000 dinars and I lent it to my father, so the wedding was arranged for July 22. My younger sister, Bela, and I immediately went to Belgrade to buy things. We stayed at Aunt Draga’s and quickly bought only the most necessary things for Juca, because we couldn’t get her anything else. Luka came for the ring ceremony on July 14. Jova came on July 19 and we celebrated the family slava in the family circle in my father’s house. I sent the cake and the candle to the church. Juca got married at the morning mass on July 22, without a special ceremony, even without a veil and a bouquet. �at’s what she wanted and she was right. We went by car. At eight o’clock we escorted them to the station, so the two of them, their best man and maid-of-honor, went to Valjevo. We were sorry to lose our Juca, especially since we gave her to a man we had never heard of before. But she is happy, at least that’s what she writes, and everybody praises him. Jova and I went to Vrnjci from Arandjelovac, and le� the children with my father and other two sisters.17 We spent 18 days at the spa. �ey were wonderful days, �lled with happiness. My Jova was a perfect husband and lover. Separated from the children, we enjoyed each other and avoided the company of others. We had a wonderful time. Jova and I visited all the surrounding areas. We were happy lying in the shade and watching the spa in the valley. In the morning we drank lots of healthy spring water, Jova three glasses of 200 grams, and I two glasses with milk. A�er a morning walk we had breakfast, then lay down for a bit. Every second day we had therapy and swimming. A�er that we ate lunch, slept until four o’clock, and then went for a walk again. On August 2, we went to the town of Užice from the spa. �e �rst part of the journey is monotonous but later the countryside turns magni�cent. �e railroad winds along the Morava River. �ere are a lot of tunnels right through the rocks. In one place the railroad crosses into a tunnel from a 17

Serbian weddings normally consist of two parts. �e �rst part is the betrothal ceremony in which the couple exchanges rings, assisted by their kum, or godfather. �e exchange of rings signi�es that the weaknesses of one partner will be compensated for by the strengths of the other, and vice versa. �e second part is the actual wedding, where again the kums (the equivalent of the best man and maid of honor) play a prominent role. In this ceremony, the bride and groom are crowned and then drink from a common goblet to indicate the mutual sharing of joys and sorrows in a marriage. Finally the newlyweds circle the altar three times and then receive a blessing from the priest. It sounds, however, as though Juca and Mladen may have had a rather less formal wedding.

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bridge, and then from the tunnel again onto a bridge. �ere are many monasteries on the cliffs. �ey say they have a famous Gospel book there with gold covers and the Annunciation.18 �e spa is right next to the railroad, on the Morava River. In Užice, we stayed at the hotel, rested, and then walked to the power plant.19 We each got a pass and went to the dam through the cliff, walking next to a ravine, which has been enclosed by the walls and secured. �e Užice fortress rises on the right bank of the river and its ruins can be seen all the way down in the river. Jova rushed ahead, and I ran back and forth behind him, enjoying the beauty. I picked �owers. We looked around the power plant and a�erwards headed towards the park where they have planted fruit, hazelnut, and walnut trees, so as not to waste fertile ground. We rested at a drinking fountain, ate a li�le bit of cream cheese, and then went to the center of the town. I found the apartment of a friend of mine, and we stayed at their place until evening. A�er dinner, they came to the hotel and we went to the cinema together. �e following day we visited the steam sawmill, the old and the new church, and some Turkish bridges. Although Užice is an old town and there are no new houses as in Vranje, there is something sweet, cute, and honest about the town. I arrived in Arandjelovac at two o’clock, but nobody was waiting for me at the station. Alarmed, I ran into the house, and everybody was there. Danko was lying in one bed, his head in bandages, Nenad in the other with a broken nose. I started crying, but then learned it wasn’t anything serious. �ey went to Orašac to see the king who was in town, all the children with my sister Bela. In front of the school Danko fell and hit his head on the edge of the pavement right below his temple. He has a swelling and a bruise. �e doctor put a bandage on his head. Danko is cheerful, eats well, and plays. Nenad fell off a swing. Mila knocked him over, and he hurt his nose. Everybody is talking only about the king. He spent 15 days in Kisela Voda, while we were at the spa. Nenad says he saw the king and his band. �e children o�en went with Bela to watch the king eat dinner from the terrace. We went all together to the fair, but it started to rain, so we came back and got ready for the trip. When we arrived back home in Vranje, I dusted and cleaned the entire house. On Sunday, Jova and I went for a walk in the park. We didn’t take the children with 18

19

�e Annunciation, Archangel Gabriel’s revelation to Mary that she will bear God’s child, is a popular subject for artwork, especially in the iconographic tradition of the Eastern Church. Natalija’s reference here is most likely to an icon depicting the event. Užice was the �rst town in Serbia to have a hydroelectric power plant based on Nikola Tesla’s principles. It was built on the Djetijnja River in 1900.

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us, because there is a lot of scarlet fever going around. Everything is dry in the park because of the drought, so it looks sad. On the 19th, Jova went to the county offices. I did laundry yesterday, but the washerwoman wasn’t able to hang it out to dry today because it’s pouring rain. I hung up the dark clothes on the porch, and tomorrow I’ll see what I can do about the whites. My purse got stolen when we were at the spa, and I had a number of li�le things inside, including a gold watch on a chain that Jova gave me as a present. We reported the the� to the police and described the person we suspected was the thief, because that person had been standing next to the bench where I le� my purse while I was picking blackberries. Jova came a�er me without realizing that the purse was still on the bench. I was very upset, but Jova wasn’t. He even tried to make jokes about it, probably because he didn’t want me to feel bad. One friend asked me whether I had cried, and I told him I hadn’t cried since the day I met Jova, because he always did everything he could to avoid my ge�ing sad. I cried only when Danko was ill, when Bosnia was annexed, and when my mother died. August 25, 1912

Jova went to trace out a road through Mount Kukavica. He is doing this privately. He shouldn’t have gone, because it’s raining and it’s very cold. I am angry with him for not taking some rest at least on holidays. But he made arrangements with some people and thought he had to go despite the rain. He will catch his death in this weather. August 26, 1912

Jova didn’t come with the �rst or the second train. He mentioned a carriage, so I waited for him until nine o’clock, but I can’t wait any longer. August 28, 1912

Jova came late last night with a bookseller and his carriage. �ey overturned in the carriage along the way. He told me that in the morning when I noticed the scratches and bruises on his arms and forehead. Since I had already gone to bed, he banged on the gate for half an hour, but we didn’t hear him. Eventually, he jumped over the wall. When I heard about his ordeal, I forgot about my anger and did everything to get him warm and rested. Today I dusted and washed the entire house and cleaned the basement. I put cabbage to pickle. I roasted peppers for the winter and got rid of the maid, Danica. 140

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She has lice and stinks but won’t get cleaned up or washed. She doesn’t want to spend the night at our house, so that I could give her a bath and wash her clothes, but goes home, because at night she looks a�er her sick sister, who has tuberculosis. When she comes in the morning she is tired and drags around the house all day. It’s be�er for me and Aleksa to work a li�le harder than for my children to get lice from Danica the maid. I feel sorry for Danica, which is why I kept her until now, but I have to think of my own children. I will help her as much as I can, but I can’t keep her in the house with the children. In the evening I walked to the vineyard to see my friend Olga.

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Chapter 5.

The Balkan Wars

Background

T

his period of Natalija’s life was dominated by the excitement and heartbreak of the �rst and second Balkan Wars. While these wars were to result ultimately in a series of victories and a signi�cant expansion of Serbian territory, the price was high, particularly for those living in or close to the battle zones, as were Natalija and her family. Serbia lost 61,000 men to ba�le injuries or disease, and the number of civilian casualties, especially among the Albanians of Kosovo, was steep. �e First Balkan War began on October 8, 1912. Following Austria-Hungary’s annexation of Bosnia-Hercegovina in 1908, Russia’s leaders had lost all interest in further cooperation with Austria-Hungary in the Balkan Peninsula. �ey thus began encouraging their Balkan client states to consider the possibility of an alliance among themselves. While Russia imagined this alliance being directed against the Habsburgs, the Balkan states instead created an alliance aimed at �nally driving the O�oman Empire out of the Balkan Peninsula. Negotiations began in the spring of 1912, �rst between Serbia and Bulgaria, then between Bulgaria and Greece, and �nally including Montenegro as well. �e Serbo-Bulgarian treaty of March 1912 proposed a three-way division of Macedonian territory under O�oman control, with the southern portion assigned to Greece, the southeast to Bulgaria, and the northwest triangle to Serbia. By the fall of 1912, the countries involved were ready to launch a military campaign. At this point, the Great Powers became concerned and advised the Balkan states that territorial claims against the O�oman Empire were unacceptable, but no one was listening. Montenegro acted �rst. Within a month of the outbreak of war, the Balkan armies had won impressive victories. �e Serbian Armed Forces fought a successful campaign, eventu143

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ally entering Skoplje, a major city in Macedonia; they also joined the Montenegrins in Novi Pazar, a largely Muslim, O�oman-controlled area separating Serbia and Montenegro. �e realization that Kosovo could be “liberated” and a�ached to the Serbian state appears to have inspired the conscripts as they pushed deep into this territory of “Old Serbia.” Soon Serbian armed forces moved their troops far beyond the original agreement, as Serbian politicians were determined to gain an outlet to the Adriatic Sea for Serbia. It turned out, however, that the Great Powers were equally determined that Serbia should not gain that naval outlet and, by May 1913, had intervened to force a peace se�lement on their own terms. �ose terms, formalized in the Treaty of London, included the creation of an independent state of Albania, whose territorial boundaries prevented Serbia from gaining access to the Adriatic. �e new distribution of territory as spelled out in the Treaty of London in 1913 would not long go unchallenged. Serbia and Greece, unhappy at the loss of territory to the new Albanian state, and Serbia, in particular, at the loss of an outlet to the Adriatic, now demanded compensation in Macedonia. Serbs refused to pull back from the lands in Macedonia they had occupied, even though those lands extended beyond the previously agreed upon claims. In response, the Bulgarian government launched a surprise a�ack on Serbia and Greece on June 29, 1913, thus starting the Second Balkan War. �is war did not end well for the Bulgarians, however, and a month later they signed an armistice. According to the Treaty of Bucharest, signed in August 1913, Serbia almost doubled in size, from 48,300 sq km to 87,300 sq km, with the acquisition of a major portion of Macedonia, as well as Kosovo and other territories. Its population grew from 2.9 million to 4.4 million inhabitants. �e outcome of the �ghting le� Serbs like Natalija and Jova jubilant at Serbian victories, and convinced of Serbia’s great mission and destiny as the Piedmont of the Balkans.

September 5, 1912

We are alone again. Jova is always away on business. He wanted to go to the county offices on Friday, but Danko got sick. I thought it was scarlet fever and immediately moved him into an empty room. �e doctor suspected the same, but then the following morning diagnosed a cold. In the evening we felt a strong earthquake. I was afraid it might happen again, since I am alone with the children. Today I made tomato sauce. I am reading Proust’s “Dead Guard.” My desk is full of great literature, so I read whenever I have 144

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time. Last night the children talked about the coming war, and Mila said, “People have to love each other, as God says, not �ght like the Turks.” September 6, 1912

Jova still hasn’t come back. Today my helper, Aleksa, took us to his vineyard. It was a nice walk, though the vineyards are only half their former size. �ere are a lot of chestnut trees, some of them 100 years old. All the fruit trees seem to have been planted by the Turks. On the way back we went through Saraina, which used to be the sultan’s court. In the �eld we ran into my friend Olga, her husband, and the children. We all walked back to town together. Where is my sweet Jova now? �e teacher told me that there are a lot of con�dential orders for road repairs having to do with the impending war, and that’s what Jova has to do here. I don’t know what we’ll do in the event of war. I don’t want to leave this house, but it would be dangerous to stay here with the children, because we are so close to the border. I hope Lady Europe won’t allow such bloodshed in these civilized times. Today is Holy Cross Day.1 It’s been raining for a week already. I have a headache, and my jaw and ear hurt. Aleksa has been summoned to the command. He got the �rst call-up. �e war is imminent. Preparations are in full swing. Elementary schools have been emptied out and are now being �lled with grain from the county for the army. In the a�ernoon I am going to a�end a nursing course. �ere was thunder and lightning in the morning, which rarely happens at this time of year. On Sunday Jova is going to inspect the roads based on a con�dential order from the minister of the army. September 19, 1912

All the armies are being mobilized, the Bulgarian, Montenegrin, and Greek armies as well as ours. In the evening we saw Jova off to the barracks. We were all crying when we said goodbye and on the way back. Mila almost broke down crying, and Dragan told her to be quiet and not to think bad things. I was thrilled to see the people march around the monument yesterday. �e people’s commander and Father Cane sat on their horses next to the brass orchestra. I was excited looking at the Serbian Falcons in full combat armor. I have sworn not to leave Vranje, but now that I’m alone with the children, I am starting to feel fear and 1

Holy Cross Day, or the Feast of the Exaltation of the Cross, commemorates the supposed �nding of Jesus’ cross in 328 and its recovery from the Persians in the seventh century.

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forebodings. Should we lose to Turkey, Jova won’t even be able to �nd us again. It’s going to be hard for the poor people who went to the border without proper dress and footwear, leaving at home even more destitute children. I wonder if my father will come, so that I would at least have another member of my family with me and my li�le ones? I will try to pack some things to hide away in case of an emergency, should I have to �ee with the children. I am praying to God to preserve my Jova. He is used to comfort and light food. How is his stomach to bear it all? I am sorry we didn’t all go. We could have le� the children in Arandjelovac and I could have gone with Jova, come what may. We didn’t even make a �re this evening a�er we came back from seeing Jova off. I shouldn’t complain a�er nine wonderful years and great happiness with the best man there is. I shouldn’t lose hope that our wonderful daddy will return. I will have to scrimp and tighten our belts so that I can keep whatever li�le money we have saved for rainy days. �is evening they brought us a sack of �our that Jova had bought before he le�. September 23, 1912

Yesterday a�ernoon a carriage stopped in front of the gate and out came Jova, and my sisters, Jelka and Bela. I could hardly believe my eyes. �e moment they arrived they told me to pack the children and that Jelka and Bela were taking them away, because the following day was the last day the railroad was taking civilian passengers, in addition to soldiers. Jelka and Bela, having seen that I wasn’t sending the children and having heard that things will get dangerous here, le� the house as they were, mixed with the soldiers, and came to Niš. �ey met Jova there, so they all came together. Jova has been excluded from military duty by the army minister until October 10, so that he can repair the road to Markovo Kal, and then to Ćuprija and the armory. On September 22, we got the children ready and packed two suitcases full of their clothes. We walked with them to the station, because there aren’t any carriages. At the station we found out they weren’t issuing tickets anymore, people are simply ge�ing on. �ey say the trains are going only as far as Niš, that the last train le� last night, and that there aren’t any more. At �rst we wanted to go back, but then we sent the children to Niš with a police captain, a recommendation, and a le�er for the machine engineer and head of the �re room in Niš. We hope he won’t let them suffer but will �nd a way to send them on to Mladenovac at least; from there they can get a carriage to Arandjelovac. When they le�, Jova and I returned home. Today we haven’t heard from them yet. Railroad traffic has been interrupted, and nobody knows anything. We aren’t ge�ing any newspapers or 146

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mail. I am worried, although I know my sisters will do everything for them as if I were with them myself. Still, who knows whether they’ll know what to do if they don’t �nd someone they know. �e people are upset. �e army is suffering without food and coats, and it has turned cold since last night. On the �rst day we saw an elite army, equipped and dressed, but it seems they don’t have enough of that for everybody, so the soldiers we see now aren’t dressed very well. Tonight the people will go out to the border. In the evening, Jova told me the army minister recommended that he stay in Vranje and work on repairing the local roads. �ese roads are important to the army, because they are close to the border and have to be passable for the army. Today I went to the funeral service for the daughter of a local professor. �ere was a terrible accident. �e girl was only six years old. She went to the neighbor’s house and fell into a bucket of boiling water. �eydidn’tcallthedoctorstraightaway, but put �our and brandy on her burns, as an old woman told them to do, and the child died within 24 hours. I almost went crazy with rage when I heard that even intellectuals believe in old women’s medicine. I’m not saying the child would have survived, because large portions of her skin had been burnt, but the doctor would have certainly done more and he would have made sure the child didn’t suffer so much. However, the poor parents must be devastated as it is, and there is no point in holding anything against them, including what their stupidity and lack of knowledge led them to do. May God protect anyone from losing a child in such a horrible way. I couldn’t calm down for a long time a�er the funeral. How hard it must be for them! Jova went to the �eld, and I’m at home. I am worried about the children and my sisters and am having all kinds of dark thoughts. Who knows what will happen to all of us and what kind of fate awaits us? If only the children would arrive in Arandjelovac. �ey’ll be safer there. I have to �nd something to do. It will be easier when I’m not thinking, because bad thoughts don’t help anyone. I will clean up the entire house, come what may. I have to knit some woolen socks for Jova to keep his feet warm, and perhaps others will need them too. Jova is working with young men who are incapable of military service—the so-called statute laborers. Tomorrow I’ll go to the watchtower to bring him lunch. Today I made some order among the books and the toys, and I am worried all the time about the children. A lot of guests have stayed at our house lately—our brother-in-law and his brother, then the wife of a professor from Skoplje with her two children, the women’s work teachers, and the lady pharmacist from Skoplje and her children. I treat them all as my guests. I’ve heard that some women from 147

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Vranje demanded money. But everybody else is hanging around at our house all day, too. �ey are all waiting for permission to take a train to Belgrade. I’ve go�en one postcard from my children. It says that they spent the night at an acquaintance’s house in Niš. �ere are a lot of prominent people in Vranje now, and they are all fervent supporters of the war. Montenegro is already fully involved in the war, and it’s still uncertain what will happen with Serbia. We are expecting to follow them, but nobody knows when that will be. October 17, 1912

�e war began two days ago. �e mountains echo with ri�e �re. �e sky is �lled with the crackle of artillery �re. �e wounded have started to arrive in Vranje. My guests from Skoplje le� the day before yesterday. My Jova went to Leskovac to work on repairing a road there. I don’t know when he’ll be back. �e children wrote again yesterday, thank God. I sent them 100 dinars by postal order. I am waiting until our forces reach Skoplje to bring the children back home. I miss them a lot. October 19, 1912

Everything is quiet again. His Majesty the King is here now, visiting occupied areas. We can no longer hear shooting, and they say our forces are in front of Kumanovo.2 Today I went to the hospital to visit the wounded. When I arrived, I saw the nurses si�ing and drinking coffee like they were at a party and cha�ing. I lost all desire to join them. If they don’t do anything, I also have be�er things to do. October 22, 1912

I had just cleaned the house and done the laundry and was thinking about going to visit Jova, when the Vranje priest, Father Mladen, came to ask me if I would be willing to let the Bishop of Niš stay at our house. He is arriving soon, and he had not been able to �nd accommodations for him anywhere. I agreed, although Jova isn’t at home, and I started to get everything ready for the bishop. Around one o’clock in the a�ernoon, the bishop arrived with two more priests, and, since he 2

Kumanovo was where the main Serbian ba�les and victories took place. It is in Macedonia, approximately 50 km (35 miles) directly south of Vranje.

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hadn’t had lunch, he sent Father Mladen to the Vranje Hotel to bring him lunch. He brought over some soup and boiled beef, because there wasn’t anything else. I had some chicken and some cake, so we put together lunch for the bishop and two priests. I gave the bishop two rooms in the front, one to receive guests in and one to sleep in. I put Father Jordan Vidojković and Archdeacon Stanković, the secretary of church court, in our bedroom. I didn’t allow the food to be brought from the local inn, because it wasn’t very good, and instead cooked for them myself. I also made bread, because it can’t be bought. I tried to give them a nice welcome, but it was hard to get groceries. �en Jova came, but he only stayed for two days. He came back in the evening, right in time for dinner. A�er we had dinner, he sat down with us, and we spent the evening talking about the war. Towards the end of the evening, Jova’s clerk called me from the yard to tell me that the Serbian army had taken Skoplje. I ran into the room and yelled, “Guess what? Skoplje is ours,” to which the bishop replied, “May God bring us happiness.” We ran out on the street and saw the teacher, who also told us about Skoplje. �en the Royal Guard started playing near the monument. When we heard it, Jova rushed in that direction and Father Jordan and I ran a�er him. �e bishop remained alone on the balcony. Everybody was running towards the monument, happy and excited. �e band �rst played the Serbian national anthem, then Hej, Sloveni, followed by the Bulgarian, Russian, and Montenegrin anthems.3 When Jova and I returned, we found the bishop on the balcony and joined him, listening to the music and loud cheering. �en we heard voices: “Long live, long live,” and Jova again went to the monument to see what was going on and whether the king had come outside. I stayed with the bishop talking about the war, the children, and Jova. �e bishop was interested in Jova’s work and wanted to know where we were from and how we happened to be in Vranje. I told him I had sent the children to my father, where it’s safer. �e bishop is a man in the prime of his life. He has given up the world for God knows what reason, God or possibly vanity? �e following day Jova went away again, and I remained with the bishop and his escort. I served them when they ate, but I sat down with them a�erlunch.Somebody told the priest that I am an atheist and asked him how he picked me of all people to host the bishop. I explained that whoever thinks that about Jova and me is mistaken. 3

�is song was �rst wri�en in 1834 as Hej Slovaci (Hey Slovaks) but was soon changed to Hej Sloveni (Hey Slavs) and became associated with the Pan-Slavic movement, which would explain why it was being played at this moment when Bulgarian, Serbian, and Montenegrin armies were united against a common oppressor. Much later, in 1977, Hej Sloveni was officially adopted as the national anthem of Communist Yugoslavia.

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I told him we don’t go to church and don’t fast, but we believe that God, whom we carry in our hearts, won’t abandon us, and we have a clear conscience, regardless of the lack of external signs of belief. I don’t believe that our neighbor Todorča will fare be�er. He is a moneylender who steals from the poor, but every Saturday he goes to the evening mass stooped, holding a candle in his hand. When he donates money to the church, he believes all his sins are forgiven and continues the same as before. �e priests don’t tell him that his prayers are in vain. And my Jova has neither offended anyone nor quarreled or sued anyone in his life. He hasn’t stolen from anyone either. If someone asks him to lend him money, he never asks for it unless the person gives it back himself. He is a paragon of goodness and principled behavior. He doesn’t bow to God so that people can see him, but celebrates his glory with his conduct and goodness. �e bishop and priests didn’t know how to respond to this. Someone mentioned that people don’t go to church enough. I told them this was the fault of the priests and the teachers. �e bishop is very intelligent and well read, so we also discussed literature. His hands are very well looked a�er, and Olga told me to ask him which cream he uses. He read Sanjina while he was here because he found the book on the table, as well as my travel notes from the trip to Constantinople. He praised my style. I told him I would mention them all in my diary. A�er the bishop and I talked, the priest gave me some of his brochures to read, including “�e Response of the Intelligentsia before God and the Church.” I read some of it and immediately a�acked him because he a�acks the West, science, and culture, claiming that these things have alienated us from the Church. I said, “Even if I didn’t know you were a Liberal, I could tell from this. It’s not the culture’s fault you have so li�le success among the people.” He said to this: “I don’t know how to teach religion when the teacher, scientist, and philosopher erase it all a�er me.” I said he can not demand that everybody understand the catechism in the same way he does, because everybody would become a priest in that case. He laughed and said, “Most certainly, that wouldn’t be good.” I beat the priest in every disagreement we had, but showed respect to the bishop, who understood me well. �e priest wanted to see whether I was familiar with “�e Creed” and, when he saw that I was, said, “If only God would make sure all Christians were like you.” When they le� I refused to accept any money and said it was an honor for us to have them. �e bishop thanked me and said he reserves the right to pay us back in a different way, and then they le� to go to Niš. 150

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�ebishophadbarelyle�beforeJovaarrived.I quicklymadeorderinthehouse, washed and bathed, and welcomed my most beloved creature like a young bride. I spent two most wonderful nights with him making passionate love. Tonight I am resting alone from all the lovemaking. Princess Jelena came with the medical corps.4 Prizren fell today.5 October 23, 1912

�is morning it snowed for the �rst time; it’s very cold, poor soldiers. I received a le�er from the bishop. He expressed gratitude for our hospitality and so on. October 25, 1912

It’s been snowing for two days. Last night around nine o’clock I was awakened by a noise. Our landlady, Mira, and Jova’s brother, Luka, in an officer’s uniform, were calling me. I immediately opened the door and let him in. He is on his way to Skoplje as the commander of the 3rd company, an addition to the ba�alion of the 8th platoon. He spent the night, and the following morning I made some chicken for him and gave him apples and cake for the road. I also gave him woolen socks and 100 dinars in gold. At eleven o’clock we had lunch and at noon he went to the station. I am worried he will catch a cold, because he has no overcoat, so I told him to buy one in Skoplje.6 I don’t know anything about the children or my family. I sent Jova some cake. �e Allied army is winning. November 8, 1912

In the a�ernoon of November 1, Bela and my father came and brought the children. Scarlet fever has appeared in Arandjelovac and Bela could no longer keep the children there. �ere aren’t any doctors le� because of the war. Bela went home on Sunday, and Dragan and I saw her off. Luka has also come back. He spent one night with us and then went to Belgrade. He gave me back those �ve gold coins he had not spent. I went to visit the wounded at the hospital and among them saw Mika, the brakeman. I gave him three dinars, a can of fruit, a tin of sardines, some cigare�es, chocolate, apples, and cheese pie. In his room I gave everybody some apples,

4 5 6

Princess Jelena was the daughter of King Peter I Karadjordjević. Prizren is an historical city in Kosovo, about 140 km (87 miles) southwest of Vranje. Luka’s apparent recovery is a bit of a mystery, again suggesting that his illness was unlikely to have been syphilis.

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cigare�es, and chocolate. Yesterday I took 50 dinars to the Vranje municipal office for the families of military conscripts. Bitolj has fallen, and peace negotiations are going to begin now.7 November 25, 1912

My father is returning to Arandjelovac tomorrow. He is bored here without his friends. I wanted him to stay through Christmas, and my sisters Jelka, Juca, and Bela to join us, but he didn’t want to. I will invite Juca and Bela, because Mladen wrote from Bitolj that they would come for a visit. A temporary cease-�re is in effect, so the troops are taking a rest. December 7, 1912

Last Sunday all the children had in�uenza. Dragan didn’t have to lie in bed, Nenad was a bit sicker, and Mila and Danko were very sick. �ey had fever, delirium, and earache. Jova went to Lebane, to �nish a road by means of statute labor. I lost our manservant so I took a ten-year-old girl called Ikonija. She listens to me, although she’s not that strong. I’m satis�ed with her. My sister Bela writes that people are quite frightened there because of the war. Since it has already begun, I would like it to be brought to its conclusion, and for us to take our sweet Bosnia, the land of our forefathers and Jova’s homeland.8 I got a card from Bela’s aunt, Dragica (the children call her the black aunt), in which she writes that they have lost their brother. I spent the day crying. He died a�er three days at Jedrene,9 they say, from pneumonia, and was buried in Kadikej. It’s more likely he died from cholera, but they are hiding it. Cholera is raging there, and that’s the main reason we are forced into cease-�re, although nobody is talking about it. I read in the newspaper that a certain captain died at Jedrene two days ago. �ey don’t say from what, only that he had �nished school to help his mother and sisters, and then died so young. He once had breakfast at my place when passing through; he was handsome as a doll. I am worried about my sister’s husband,

7

8

9

Allied victories against the O�oman Empire came quickly and were perhaps unsurprising given that the Allied armies numbered some 700,000 against only 300,000 O�oman troops. �e majority of �ghting was done by Bulgarian troops. Here Natalija is clearly engaged in wishful thinking. During the Balkan Wars, Serbia’s territorial ambitions were directed south toward Macedonia and southwest toward Kosovo, but not toward Bosnia, which was still very �rmly under Habsburg control. Jedrene is the city Edirne in Turkey today. It is also sometimes known as Adrianople.

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Mladen. I see that Juca is happy with him, and she has waited for her happiness for a long time and deserves it.10 I had my front tooth pulled out a week ago. Jova laughs at me, but the important thing is that he loves me even if I’m toothless. I don’t care about the rest. I don’t feel like ge�ing a tooth replacement now. I �rst want to see what will happen with the war. Today, when many are missing an arm or leg, I can have a missing tooth. �e children are asleep. �ey have been playing all day in the room facing the street. �ey took coloring books, crayons, and colored pictures, but they made themselves very dirty. �e children pray in the evening, “God help the Serbian soldiers and the wounded,” and Nenad adds, “and the Montenegrins.” �ey listen to news about the war every day and look through the paper even though they are li�le. Dragan is nine, Mila eight, Danko seven; they understand the most. But even li�le Nenad, who is only three, understands many things now. December 9, 1912

Jova is gone. It’s raining. �e peace agreement hasn’t been signed yet. Bela writes that the people in Arandjelovac are ge�ing ready for the war with Austria. I went to see my friend Olga. She is waiting for the delivery of her baby. December 11, 1912

Olga gave birth to a son yesterday. We received a le�er from my brother-in-law Mladen. He is angry that I asked him to send money to Juca, even though she is his wife. December 23, 1912

All the children had in�uenza. Jova is at home. I bought candy for the children on Mother’s Day and gave them each half a dinar for their piggy banks. Jova took their toys away for the day. �ere hasn’t been any peace agreement yet. My milk woman keeps asking me what the papers are saying about when her son will come home. He was wounded near Kumanovo and was at the hospital in Belgrade before being allowed to go home for Christmas. She wore herself out begging that he be allowed to stay longer.

10

Originally thought to be a disease caused by “bad vapors,” cholera is an infectious illness presenting deadly symptoms like severe diarrhea, vomiting, convulsions, and muscle cramps. Pandemics such as the one Natalija mentions here are not uncommon during war; the disease can spread easily when soldiers are kept in close quarters with poor sanitation and easily contaminated drinking water.

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Today the children got presents. We gave the girl helper Ikonija a dinar and some candy. Nenad got a drum and building blocks, Danko a writing pad and a small toy pistol, Dragan some books, a small toy ri�e, and a pair compasses, Mila some crayons and needles for needlework. Everything is ready for Christmas. December 24, 1912, Christmas Eve

My sister Juca arrived this morning; we are expecting her husband, Mladen, as well. We are preparing sausages for Christmas Eve. December 25, 1912, Christmas Day11

Mladen arrived at dawn today, and a�er him the servant girl’s cousin came as our �rst visitor on Christmas Day. I gave him cake and one dinar and had him spend the whole day with us. Juca is very happy. December 26, 1912

We spent today talking to Juca and her husband, Mladen. We didn’t have any visitors. Mladen was telling us war stories and said, “I cried twice, �rst when I met one of our poor officers on the road, who asked me if I had a piece of bread to give him, and the second time when right before Prilep we went past some freshly-dug Serbian graves. A soldier stepped out of a column, ran towards the graves, knelt in front of one, and kissed a cruci�x on it. At this point all the soldiers cried.” December 27, 1912

At two-thirty last night a carriage arrived, and I went to the railway station with my sister Juca and her Mladen to accompany him to Skoplje.12 �e train was late. We sat at the station for three hours in a small shack functioning as a café. �ere were too many passengers on the train, so we stayed in the second-class aisle next to the window so that we could look outside. Already in Ristovac we saw traces of shelling at the Turkish railway station; in two places a hole had been blown through the wall. �ere was nothing interesting on the way to Kumanovo, except for a few Albanian villages. One countryman and friend came by and told me about the place where he was taken prisoner in this war. In Kumanovo we saw a broken carriage of a Turkish chamber and rags and co�onwood blown by the wind. A�er that, more 11 12

Although Orthodox Christians today celebrate Christmas on January 7, Natalija was still using the old Julian calendar, which is 13 days behind the Gregorian calendar, so observed Christmas on December 25. A major city in Macedonia, Skoplje had been taken by Serbian forces in the recent �ghting.

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burned villages, some of them completely abandoned, others showing signs of new life, such as smoke coming out of the chimneys of houses almost completely burnt down. Along the road stretched some small trenches in the �eld. We arrived in Skoplje to a beautiful view of the Vardar River, Dušan’s Castle,13 and mountains in the background. We passed the station, and then a burnt brewery, which they say had been burned by the troops. At the station, some Belgrade ladies in nice dresses and hats �ew out of the train and sca�ered in all directions, as if they were on a day-trip rather than among poor and weary soldiers. Skoplje reminds me of Constantinople because of its �lthiness, noise, and diversity. We went to the center and met a number of people we know. �ere is a magni�cent view from the walls of Dušan’s Castle—the River Vardar and an old, mature linden tree that grows in the riverbed. �ere are soldiers all around the town. I looked at a shack and saw a soldier picking out lice from his head. When he noticed us, he moved away from the window. We went to lunch, and everything around us was �lthy. Mr. Divjak, the county forester, also dropped by and had lunch with us. It’s the third day of Christmas and they had no good food or matching silverware. I objected, and Mr. Divjak said, “Don’t complain, I feel as if I were in Paris, I haven’t had soup in three months. We ate stale bread and anything we could �nd.” A�er lunch we took a carriage to the Church of the Holy Savior,14 but it was closed. We then drove down a hill to some Turkish stores with a wooden roof covering the whole street. �ere was nothing in the stores, only cheap German goods and poor-quality needlework. In one of the stores I noticed a strong young man speaking in a Western dialect. He was a border soldier from Kozarac, only two hours from Jova’s birthplace. He was pleased when he heard I am married to a Zrnić, because he knows both Jova and Luka. He kindly offered to show us around Skoplje, and we continued going through the stores. In one store they wanted 30 dinars for a nickel-plated bucket. Mr. Bošković, our solider guide, burst out laughing and said, “�e three of you together (meaning the salesmen) are not worth that much. �e way you are blackmailing us now, it seems that I should have cut your throats (he is a guerrilla �ghter) the moment I arrived in Skoplje, him �rst, because he’s a Bosnian,” and he pointed at one of them. 13

14

�e Communist regime renamed what was once called Dušan’s Castle the Skoplje Fortress, as it is known today. Although modern guidebooks agree that in 1346 Skoplje was the capital of Stefan Dušan’s Serbian Empire, the fortress itself dates back well before Dušan’s time to the rule of Byzantine Emperor Justinian the First in the sixth century. �e Church of the Holy Savior is a late sixteenth/early seventeenth century church, probably built on the foundations of a much older church.

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I realized that everyone knew him. At another store there were three old Turks with turbaned fezzes si�ing down. Mladen greeted them. “God be with you, heroes.” I felt sorry for the men when I realized he was teasing them. We again headed to the church, and the carriage followed us. I told my brother-in-law, Mladen, to pay the carriage driver, and he did. What a difference between this covered marketplace and the one in Constantinople! We again drove to the Church of the Holy Savior. �ere is a high wall on the outside and it’s impossible to see anything except for the belfry, which is outside the church. We entered the yard, which was covered with white stones. On the right was some sort of housing, and on the le� a porch with a staircase leading downstairs to the church, with several graves in front. We climbed down the stairs and found ourselves in a small church full of soldiers. What we saw inside is worth more than the whole of Skoplje. �e entire iconostasis is carved in wood. �e back consists of massive walnut boards. On the front side the entire scene has been carved, presented in pictures and �oral ornamentation. I cannot describe the beauty of this handiwork, made God knows how many centuries ago.15 �ey say it took eight years to carve it. One has to see it to feel its beauty. Mister Bošković, the solider, stopped in the middle of the church, stamped his foot on a slab, and said: “For me this is the most important place for Skoplje and for all of Serbdom. �is eagle, which was placed here during the rule of Emperor Dušan, proves that this place is Serbian.” Walking up the middle of the church I noticed a slab where an unskilled hand had cut a two-headed eagle and a Serbian emblem. I was surprised they didn’t put the slab somewhere else, because people walk over it here and time leaves its mark.16 From the church we went along the city walls to the officer’s club, which is still decorated. At that moment a car drove by, with Prime Minister Pašić si�ing inside.17 15

16

17

In Orthodox Christianity, an iconostasis is a wall of icons and religious paintings that separates the nave from the sanctuary in a church. In this case, Natalija is referring again to the Church of the Holy Savior, whose walnut iconstasis is indeed very famous but not especially old, dating back only to the nineteenth century. �e idea of a stone carving of an eagle in the church being a symbol of Stefan Dušan and Serbian ownership of Skoplje is pure mythology. In the �rst place, the church was probably built some 300 years a�er the rule of Stefan Dušan (1331–46). It is not clear where the eagle had come from. However, the symbol is certainly not unique to the Serbian monarchy. Nikola Pašić, leader of the Old Radical Party since 1878, dominated the political scene in Serbia in the late 19th and early 20th century. He served as prime minister of Serbia in 1891–92, during most of 1904–18, and then again within the Kingdom of Serbs, Croats, and Slovenes from 1921–26. He was generally perceived to be an extremely cra�y politician who was skillful enough to play on the same board with, if not necessarily win against, the Great Powers of Europe. Natalija, however, was never particularly fond of him.

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We again took a carriage, crossed the wooden bridge, and turned le� towards the hospital, driving through the suburbs and Muhadžer se�lements to the Turkish stores again. �ere we saw people dancing the Serbian circle dance, the kolo. A Serbian soldier from Šumadija was playing a shepherd’s pipe and the kolo was spinning. Šumadija peasants dance the same way here. Girls on one side, men on the other.18 We visited all parts of Skoplje and saw many soldiers, but I found their appearance painful. Nothing like the soldiers we saw off in Vranje last fall, cheerful, healthy, and decked out. �ese soldiers all look pale and exhausted, their clothes sweaty, drained through and worn out. �ough they are winners, the look in their eyes is no longer one of joy but of sad resignation. It’s clear that they can hardly wait to go back and see their loved ones, whom they have only now been able to remember when the �ghting is over. When we were seeing off the soldiers, I remembered our formerly big, fat, and beautiful oxen. Now, the ca�le look ba�ered and are barely able to walk; I feel as sorry for them as I do for the men. A�er a longish drive we returned to the hotel, where we ran into Mr. Divjak, the county forester. I remarked that he should have gone with us to the Church of the Holy Savior, and he replied: “I am not leaving this stove until tomorrow. I have been wanting it for two months. You don’t know what a man wants more than bread in war. Firewood and straw, to get warm and to be able to lie down.” He told us there is no �rewood down on the front. He said they once destroyed a whole house to pull out a few beams to make a �re. When I said that the ca�le looked miserable, he said, “It’s good the way it is. Our division needs 34,000 kilos of hay daily, and we get around 7,000 kilos for three days. It almost makes one cry watching the poor beasts.” By this time, both men and women had begun coming for a beer, and the time of our departure was near. We arrived at the station at four-thirty. �ey gave us a separate compartment. We said good-bye to Mladen. My sister Juca was crying, and I thought it was strange, because she has always been serious and restrained. I am not used to her expressing her emotions in this way. It’s as if she is no longer that cold, wise girl I used to know. Bela and I thought she was incapable of feelings of this sort, and I now see how wrong we were. We didn’t buy anything to eat, and

18

Šumadija is a region in central Serbia with its center in the city of Kragujevac. �e region is heavily forested, hence the name, which comes from šuma, or forest. Šumadija Serbs always have considered themselves to be among the purest and best Serbs. Since Arandjelovac is in Šumadija, Natalija and her children were also Šumadija Serbs.

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there wasn’t anything either. I took some peanuts with me, so this kept me going till Vranje. By ten o’clock we were already at home. Jova was waiting for us. January 1, 1913

Juca is worried, she hasn’t heard a word from Mladen. My friend Olga’s husband says that his older daughter Jela is suffering a lot. I went over there a�er lunch and the child looks miserable indeed. January 3, 1913

�e maid came. She says that Jela is doing poorly. I went over immediately. January 4, 1913

Li�le Jela, Olga’s older daughter, died in my arms yesterday. Like a li�le bird, easily, without even opening her mouth. She was pleading for water until the last moment. We buried her today. I ran to get a candle and a doctor, so I got a cold. Poor Olga, I cannot and dare not think how she feels, especially since she has a new baby. She watched over her children with great care and has now lost a child only because the doctor didn’t vaccinate her. I spent 11.5 dinars for burial clothes. We’ll se�le the bill later when the poor people have recovered. January 5, 1913

My sister Juca is desperate, because Mladen hasn’t sent any word yet. We both went to see Olga. January 6, 1913

Jova came back from Leskovac. He was devastated when he heard about the death of li�le Jela. January 14, 1913

I made žito for St. Sava’s Day. We were worried about my brother-in-law, Mladen, but he came this morning. Juca was overjoyed. He brought each child a pocket watch with a chain and a silk blouse for me. He bought all kinds of things for Juca. I’ve hired a maid, so it’s easier now. January 17, 1913

My sister Juca and Mladen le� the day before yesterday. Field-train soldiers came looking for a small stove. I found a tin stove and lent it to them. I let their 158

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horses drink water from my hose, as the water at the public drinking fountain is muddy. My landlord said, “Why are you le�ing them do it?” He thinks they will steal something, and I told him, “Let them take what they need; they deserve more.” January 19, 1913

Two soldiers arrived this evening. �ey asked me for some �rewood, they can’t buy it anywhere, and the people on the street sent them to us, saying, “�ey’ll give you everything you need there. �ey always give everything to everybody.” I laughed at that and gave them two armfuls of �rewood. January 23, 1913

I made a suit for Dragan. Jova is teaching the children math, and I’m teaching them the Serbian language. We are trying to make up for the missed school year. January 28, 1913

We celebrated Nenad’s fourth birthday today. I made gurabija19 and pancakes for him. He likes pancakes with walnuts. Jova also gives him math exercises to do. January 29, 1913

I got angry with a Gypsy child who is healthy and clothed, but barefoot and begging. I told him to take a bucket and pour some water into it, so I’ll pay him for that and give him some bread, but he refused to do it, so I chased him away. I went to see Olga today, and Jova and I went for a walk. I wrote my sister’s husband Mladen a le�er, because he had wri�en twice. January 31, 1913

It was sunny this morning, but big snow�akes are twirling around in the air now. �e surrounding mountains look magni�cent. Jova says the municipal board has decided not to give a salary to those without contracts. �is will affect our manservant Aleksa. Poor Tala, his wife; she has recently given birth to their fourth child and now they won’t have anything to eat. I will have to help her as much as I can. Fighting is still going on near Jedrene. Skadar hasn’t fallen yet, and the troops are sca�ered all over the country. It will be

19

Gurabija is a type of pastry.

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bad for our country if it’s still at war when March comes around. Who will plow and sow the �elds? People will be hungry next year.20 February 1, 1913

I went to see a teacher who has �ve sons and a daughter only seven months old. I haven’t seen a sweeter baby. It made me wish I had another baby. �e newspaper says the fall of Jedrene is imminent, but nothing is happening. �e war isn’t over yet. It’s a harsh winter, hard on the poor people. �eir sons are ge�ing killed, and their young children are dying from hunger and cold. When women ask for help, the municipal authorities tell them, “You knew how to give birth to children, but you don’t know how to feed them.” �e son of my milk woman has been wounded at Medari and released home over Christmas. He used to work for the municipal authorities, and they’ve now asked him to report back to duty or they’ll �re him. He has a wife, a mother, and �ve children. In order not to lose his job he went back with a bad leg and soon hurt himself, so he had to go back to the hospital. �en he got word that he had been �red. He hasn’t received any salary since he was mobilized. He is asking them to at least give him that salary. �e municipality refused to do it, but told him to sell the cow they all live from. Today I made a typical lunch from our current hometown of Vranje: goulash with potatoes, cabbage pie, and meringue pie. I have to save some money for the rainy days. We have tightened our belts a�er the mobilization, because of the announcement of war, and only buy what’s necessary. We have helped our loved ones as much as we could, and have saved about a thousand dinars. My father still owes me another thousand I lent him for Juca’s dowry. I won’t get it back before peace comes because my father also doesn’t have any money now. Who knows what else awaits us? We don’t owe anything to anybody, but who knows what will happen if they stop paying all the salaries. February 3, 1913

Last night we ran into the landlord at the shoemaker’s—he is on leave from military service in Tetovo. He says they only sit around in Tetovo and eat, and that the Albanians are hospitable, while the Bulgarians won’t give them a crust of bread, not even if they pay for it. One can notice a signi�cant change at the local 20

Although peace negotiations had begun back in November, �ghting resumed in mid-February a�er the overthrow of the O�oman regime by Enver Pasha’s Young Turks.

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bazaar. A lot of Albanians bring their primitive products: tricycles, chairs, weaver’s frames, sledges, cribs, etc. �e prices are higher on the market. February 6, 1913

�e harsh winter and the war continue. My sister Juca sent me a card from Valjevo. She says it’s easier for her to be at her own house when all this is going on. I think it’s funny how much in love she is and am sorry this is so hard on her. Today I sent a subscription for Fortune Teller and the Serbian Literary Herald. �en I went to see my friend Olga and she gave me back the money I spent on them when their daughter died. Today we watched hundreds of poor women who came to get �rewood at the municipal building. �ose who came �rst got some, but there was nothing a�er that, and they cried and sang. One of them saw me and said, “You, woman, have it well, you have nothing to worry about.” I told her it isn’t easy for anyone today, I don’t have it as difficult as you do, but I also have my own worries and problems. Municipal salaries aren’t high, and le�ers from the front and from hospitals arrive every day. �ey are asking, threatening and begging the municipal authorities to help their families. February 7, 1913

�e winter is harsh and there is a lot of snow. No news from the front. Jova is explaining to the children what taxes are. February 8, 1913

�e weather has improved, but the war is still going on. God has more mercy than people. Everybody comes to borrow my books. I give them gladly but demand that they take good care of them and bring them back. A few days ago, the child of the catering officer at the county hospital came; she’d heard I had many books and wanted to ask me to give her some to read. I took her to the shelves to pick one herself, thinking she would take something from her school reading list, but she took Anna Karenina. Today I am doing nouns with Dragan, gender and number, so he is now already able to analyze a sentence when he’s reading. �e children wrote to their Uncle Luka. Nenad is drawing nearby towns, a road, donkeys, and Gypsies. February 10, 1913

Jova and I went to the cemetery for the funeral of li�le Jela, Olga’s daughter. �ere were only about ten of us there. Jova’s friend George Matić is now the district 161

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head in Nova Varoš in the occupied territory. We o�en correspond. I wrote to him about Skoplje. Meanwhile, I have been reading Mill on the Floss to the children. �ey like me to read to them about Tom and Mag, and they call Mila, Mag. I have a lot of work to do around the house. I sew, knit, wash, cook, and make my own bread, and the servant girl, Ikonija, washes the dishes. I don’t have much time for my own reading. February 12, 1913

I had my upper le� molar pulled out. �e catering officer at the county hospital, Mr. Miladin, pulled it out. �at’s the fourth tooth I’ve had extracted here in Vranje in only two years. I received a le�er from my younger sister, Bela. She wants to become a nurse. I think it’s already too late for that. �e winter is becoming less severe, but the war continues. �e wounded and the ill are arriving from all fronts. Today all the children got from their Uncle Luka, Vuk Karadžić’s book Serbian Folk Tales and Riddles and the �eater for Schoolchildren by Đ. Popović, a teacher. February 14, 1913

�e children keep asking Jova about his house in Bosnia, and he draws for them how everything looked in the yard when he was there. �is evening Jova and I went for a walk with the county head. We talked about the fact that honest civil servants cannot get rich. �e 8th regiment arrived from Paraćin and moved into four empty houses on our street. �e soldiers keep arriving. I gave one of them some pickled cabbage and doughnuts, and another doughnuts and a log for the stove. �e third one asked me for a straw mat. He says there is no straw anywhere and they have to lie down on the ground. I gave him an old �oor rag from the room downstairs, and another one of them took some nails. �ey have go�en used to ge�ing things from us and just keep coming. I took the children to see my friend Olga and the baby. Whenever I’m there, I �nd her husband in bed, whereas Jova always jumps to his feet as soon as someone visits. February 16, 1913

It is much less cold now. I have dusted and scrubbed the �oors in the bedrooms and the hallway, bathed the children, and given them a change of clothing, thinking that Jova and I would also have a bath today. However, a coarse snow began to fall and a strong wind picked up. 162

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In the evening I went for a walk with Jova. We le� the children to play and I told them to lock the gate to keep the soldiers out. When we returned, we found our children si�ing around a soldier, and the whole house �lled with the smell of pickled cabbage. �ey asked him in and when he came he asked if we had cabbage to sell. �ey gave him everything we have so he made dinner for himself and his friends. �ere was nothing we could do, we were kind to him, but when he le� with the food, I scolded the children. I told them this was a nice thing to do but only when Mummy and Daddy are at home, and not to let unknown people in when they’re alone. He could have been a bad person, and he could have slaughtered them all and looted the house. �ey saw that I give the soldiers everything, so they decided to do the same. �e soldier came back today and asked if he could cook some cabbage. I boiled it and fried it up a bit and then gave it to him to carry. Jova and I were resting a�er lunch, while the children were playing. �en the servant girl Ikonija came and said, “Another soldier is looking for you.” I asked him what he wanted and he asked me if he could get a room for a reserve officer, who is also a teacher. He wanted an empty room. I said I didn’t have any, but that I would give him the guest room, because he’s a teacher. Soon a�er, my colleague by profession arrived. He was a young, swarthy man from Azanje. His wife is also a teacher. I showed him the room and he thanked me, saying he would return in the evening and send his things over in the meantime. Jova was a li�le hesitant, but Mila said, “No, Daddy, you’ve got to take him, because he went to �ght for you while you stayed here.” We all laughed. �e child is right. We aren’t like the people from Vranje. We got a card from my sister Bela, and my other sister, Jelka, sent the children žito and cake le� over from the memorial services for the dead. �is evening the soldiers danced near our house. One of them played a shepherd’s pipe. I gave 2 dinars to Mila and Danko to give to those who danced and played, because they reminded me of the dancers and musicians I heard at village gatherings in my youth. Our teacher will arrive late so I have to wait for him, and I’m quite tired. I am truly sorry we gave him a room. I miss Jova, who has been away for work a lot lately. I want to fall asleep on his chest. Olga’s husband, Professor Pavić, told me our tenant has a drinking habit and I don’t like that when Jova is not around. I should have listened to Jova. Now he’ll laugh at me. February 19, 1913

I did laundry today. �e weather is nice, the sun is shining, but the laundry still freezes on the rope. Our guest didn’t even come last night. �is morning I told 163

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the soldier that Mr. Teacher has to look for another place. He came to sleep a�er lunch. I threatened to tell his wife what kind of a husband he is. He replied that from now on if he doesn’t show up by nine o’clock he won’t be coming that night, and I told him he won’t be able to enter the house. I spent the day working, but by the evening I was missing Jova a great deal. I have go�en used to si�ing with him in the evening, reading or discussing the day’s events. February 21, 1913

Dragan, our oldest, turned nine today and he already knows how to write Latin script le�ers. I got a card from my sister’s husband Mladen asking me to tell Juca not to bother him. He says he can see that their life together isn’t going as it should. I also got a le�er from Bela. She is angry because of a le�er Mladen sent her. I have come to the conclusion that our sister Juca has bad luck. I kept thinking they weren’t right for each other. Mladen is a soldier-type without higher education or a good family upbringing, but he treats everybody as if he were older than they are. �ere is something about him I don’t like. I wrote to Bela not to be angry, and I also wrote to Juca, but regre�ed it, because I realized she will now sulk even more when she �nds out he has complained to us about her. I wrote to Mladen not to hold things against her, because he is her �rst love, and she’s having a hard time adjusting to marriage. I am trying to calm everybody down. Jova still hasn’t come back. I ironed all the laundry today and yesterday. Tomorrow I will paint the kitchen so that it’s done before Jova comes back. I bought a mask for the children but they gave it to the soldiers, who dressed up as an old couple and entertained the children all day on the street. �ere is one soldier who sings beautifully in a tenor voice. �ey sang yesterday, so I sent them a full plate of cake. Now they begin to sing as soon as they see me on the street. Yesterday and today the stores are closed and banners have been put out on the streets. �e Serbs are celebrating 300 years of the Romanov dynasty in Russia. One teacher asked me why I’m not at church, and I told him I was against the Romanovs because they are despots. I don’t like our Russian brothers. �ey sacri�ced us while liberating the Bulgarians and are now creating Greater Bulgaria at Serbia’s expense. �e Bulgarians wouldn’t have demanded Bitolj with such ease if they didn’t have Russia behind them. It will be awful if Nikola Pašić turns out to have been such a cunning Bulgarian that he managed to lead all our prominent politicians up the garden path. He has occupied so much territory with our troops for the Bulgarians. I hope there will be clever men among us 164

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Serbs who will pull the mask off that Bulgarian’s face and show him in his true colors. It seems that the Old Radical party is done for because of such an end to this war.21 �is evening I went for a stroll on the promenade with a young teacher from Bitolj. She is married to a Bulgarian man who works as a teacher in Macedonia. She used to live in So�a but �ed from there due to her husband’s jealousy and abuse. She is Olga’s student and has come here to �nd a job. She is very pre�y and an officer strained his neck looking at her. February 22, 1913

I have �nished all the work and am waiting for Jova. �ey say that Janjina has fallen, but Skadar hasn’t yet.22 We sat all a�ernoon on the street watching the soldiers dress up. �is morning, while I was washing the �oor in the kitchen, a neatly dressed woman came by to beg. She had been here before, telling me she had four children, so I gave her one dinar. Now I got upset and told her I won’t give her anything, because it hadn’t occurred to her to offer me any help, and she’s been watching me do housework. She said she cannot work, because she had le� her children alone, and I replied, “But you have the time to wander the streets all morning and beg.” She said nothing and le�. Jova still hasn’t come, and I am longing for him. February 27, 1913

�e weather is nice. �is morning Jova went to Surdulica and on the way he lent 50 dinars to a contractor. I was angry with him because of this. My sisters Juca and Bela sent me a card from Valjevo. Juca writes that Mladen neither came home nor asked her to come out and she heard that they were leaving for Salonika. 21

22

Natalija’s comments here about both the Russians and Pašić presumably re�ect contemporary dissatisfaction over the likely outcome of the peace negotiations according to which Serbia would not be allowed to keep everything gained on the �eld of ba�le. She is also referring to the fact that Pašić’s family had immigrated into Serbia from Bulgaria. In any case, she was uncertain if the unsatisfactory peace treaty should be blamed primarily on Russia or on Serbia’s own politicians. In fact, the blame ultimately came to fall mainly on Austria-Hungary, and, despite Natalija’s prediction, and perhaps thanks mainly to the Second Balkan War which was yet to come, the Old Radicals’ position in power was fully secured by Serbia’s successes in the Balkan Wars. Janjina is a village on the southern Dalmatian coast to the west of Vranje. Skadar is a larger city, located to the south on the border between present-day Montenegro and Albania.

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February 28, 1913

Jova’s eyes hurt and he has a headache. A�er lunch I went to see my friend Olga with the children, and a�er that Jova and I went for a walk looking to buy meat at the butcher’s shops. �is week the butchers slaughtered no pigs because of the fasting, but we don’t fast. Jova is practicing math with Mila and is ge�ing upset she cannot remember how to do wri�en division. She is very quick at oral calculation. He says, “Oh, Mila, Mila, what will become of you?” I don’t think she has to be a mathematician. She is clever enough to become whatever she wants, but Jova thinks that all the cleverness is in mathematics. �at’s �ne. It’s good for her to learn mathematics. It won’t hurt her, although I’ve never needed it too much and I was never particularly fond of it. March 1, 1913

Jova’s eyes still hurt and he still has a headache. We got a card from the railway station from Mladen, my brother-in-law. He says he is going to Salonika. I am sorry we didn’t know. We could have seen him off at the station. March 2, 1913

�is evening I went to see Olga who told me terrible stories she had heard from a nurse at Jedrene. She returned because she was no longer able to watch the suffering and pain of the soldiers there. She says that the soldiers cursed a man who had chased off a �eld-train soldier from the hospital six times, accusing him of malingering. �e man died a�erwards. About 600 soldiers report sick every day, and those who are the sickest die on bare wooden planks. March 4, 1913

I prepared a snack at about two o’clock yesterday and then took the children and our servant Ikonija to Markov Kal to meet Jova. It was beautiful. �e river comes gushing down from high up in the cliffs with a loud roar. �ere are magni�cent waterfalls in several places. �e children were happy, they even got to ride Daddy’s horse, and Nenad walked all the way by himself. March 5, 1913

Today Jova gave Dragan a beating for stealing two walnuts from the fruitmonger. All the children were crying, and Jova was shaking and looked very pale.

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March 10, 1913

�e news came that the Bishop of Niš, the man who stayed with us, died of typhoid fever. Jova is going away tomorrow. March 11, 1913

Jova returned about six o’clock this evening. Now there are many military trains. �ey say that about 6,000 men have been killed near Skadar. March 13, 1913

�is evening Jova went to Belgrade to visit his brother Luka and to buy suits for our boys. We escorted him to my friend Olga’s house, paid them a short visit, and then returned home. I told Jova to go to the editorial office of Echo magazine to pay for a subscription for this year and see what’s going on there. He didn’t want to go and see the people there. He says he doesn’t need them, and I said that in that case we don’t need Echo either. �e violets have blossomed and the fruit trees have burst into buds. Noise and song could be heard on the street all day. March 14, 1913

I prepared a snack to take with me when I go to Pržar with the children a�er lunch. We walked slowly, and rested on the top; the children were running around, and I was kni�ing. We had a snack and then slowly went down, spending some time at a meadow above an old mosque. A�er resting at home, I went to see Olga and heard that about 8,000 people had been killed in the �ghting around Jedrene and that all of Belgrade is in mourning. March 15, 1913

Jova arrived early this morning. He suffered two nights on the train and then spent the day running around Belgrade. He bought suits for the children, a hat for Mila, a kilo of almonds, some salami, cakes and chocolate, and a bowler hat for himself. His brother Luka is doing well. Jova spoke to a number of prominent people and they all expressed a pessimistic a�itude towards this war. One university professor says that under the agreement, Bitolj, Ohrid, and Veles will be Bulgarian and Serbia will get the least, despite the fact that we suffered the greatest losses. Jova asked to be exempted.

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March 16, 1913

�e weather is changeable. We got a card from George Matić. He says he has accepted the position of the county head in Prizren. �is morning the 8th regiment le� Vranje. �ey organized a farewell dinner party yesterday. Many women from Vranje were in tears. March 17, 1913

�ere are a lot of children on our street, and they have become insolent and rude owing to the war and lack of classes. A�er the soldiers le�, they brought the straw from the abandoned houses out on the street and made a mess. I explained to them there are all kinds of illness-causing bacteria in that straw and suggested that we found a Society of Good Children, who would come over to my house and learn school subjects and other useful things. Today I taught them math and the Serbian language. Some of them have even forgo�en their le�ers. March 18, 1913

I got a card from my oldest sister, Jelka. I took my children and the children from the street to the �eld but with no success; it’s impossible to work with them. Jova told me right at the start that I am an idealist and that nothing will come out of my li�le project. He is right as always, but I don’t like it. March 22, 1913

My brother-in-law, Mladen, sent a card from Corinth. I �nished Nenad’s socks for Easter and have begun kni�ing Danko’s. In the a�ernoon I took the children to the vineyards. We all got tired and went to bed early. In the evening, we heard that Skadar had fallen. �ere are more and more poor people, each one more destitute than the last. Since this morning four have come to the house to beg, one more destitute than the other. I have been teaching the children the Serbian language and about Christianity—tomorrow we’ll do geography and math. Before they go to bed, the children pray to God for Daddy to return alive and well. I planted some �owers, radishes, and strawberries. It’s a pleasant night. I can hear the sound of raindrops on the gu�er, and everything looks mysterious and strange in the dark. I am frightened to be alone with the children at night in such a big house. Where is my sweet Jova sleeping tonight? He might catch a cold because he forgot to take his fur coat with him.

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March 24, 1913

Jova, our joy, has returned. We all embraced and kissed him. Around four o’clock in the a�ernoon I le� the children to rest, because we had been studying until then, and went to visit a neighbor, when I heard the children shout that Daddy had arrived. I immediately got everything ready for him to take a bath and change and gave him something to eat. We all sat around him so that he could tell us about his trip. �e children complain I also want to be in his arms, when I am no longer a child, and there isn’t enough room for them. I tease them that their Daddy is mine, but they won’t let go of him. Jova had a really bad time where he was. He only spent one night in a café and the rest sleeping in straw and bullrushes in co�ages. �ey slept in shacks shared by the entire family and in the same room with dogs and ca�le. In one house he asked the host if he had any children. �e man said four of his sons had been killed in the war near Kumanovo. His wife cried and talked about the children. April 2, 1913

Olga came by yesterday a�ernoon. Her mother has died. I went to see them on Friday a�er lunch. Olga’s husband was also there, along with that Bulgarian woman who is their guest. She’s making him nervous so he curses and scolds, which made me feel uncomfortable. I sent a subscription for Batun’s Health; there are some good things in it. Luka wrote to me that the November/December issue of the magazine published my article entitled “How they tried to cure me of typhoid fever.” April 5, 1913

I made soup and chicken for lunch, scrubbed the �oors in all the front rooms and washed the windows. I bathed the children, changed their clothes, and am now kni�ing. Jova is reading Fortuneteller to us, because that’s what the children like to listen to the most. Luka writes that he received the money and paid my subscription to Health. �eir editorial board paid me 17 dinars for my article. April 10, 1913

�ank God, Skadar has �nally fallen. We thought it had happened days ago but it has taken all this time. In late a�ernoon an artillery captain came by himself and talked with us about his experiences in Jedrene. It seems we will go to war with the Bulgarians.

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Today I made six different kinds of cake for Easter. I only need to dye the eggs and then everything will be ready. Hopefully Jova will come tomorrow. April 19, 1913

Today there is a parliamentary session taking place in Sobina. �e political situation is more and more complicated. May 20, 1913

Jova went to Leskovac. Our servant girl, Ikonija, has le� me, though I treated her as my own child, and I now don’t have any help. Mladen sent us a card from Veles. My sister Juca still hasn’t decided to come. I took a student to live with us. He is a priest’s son and used to study at a Turkish grammar school. I spent all day washing the children’s underwear and am now very tired. We have now been married for ten years, and it still feels like a honeymoon when Jova is here. June 13, 1913

My sisters, Juca and Bela, have arrived. �ey told me Juca’s husband, Mladen, embezzled some money. Poor Juca, that was a bad shock for her. She is beside herself. June 17, 1913

�e war against Bulgaria has begun. We welcomed our Serbian soldiers. Mila has contracted diphtheria. A doctor from the military hospital vaccinated her. June 22, 1913

Mila is feeling be�er,butherfaceisslightlyswollen.�enewsabouttheadvance of Bulgarian army spread, so we sent the children to Arandjelovac with my sisters. A�er that a cease-�re was agreed upon for three days, and then extended for three more days. �e number of cholera cases in Vranje is rising. I have offended the landlord’s son, who said that a doctor gave poison to a girl from the neighborhood, whereas she actually died of cholera. I told him, “Your school is wasted on you when you believe in old wives’ tales.” July 27, 1913

Today I sent the children some cake, chocolate, Turkish delight, and some balls. I wrote not to give them fruit because of cholera. �ey wrote to me that Mila 170

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is doing some needlework on jute, and that all the children are behaving well. A peace agreement has been signed. A few days ago I accompanied Jova to the barracks he is constructing for those suffering from cholera. Near the barracks I saw some who have recovered. Barefoot and dressed only in a shirt and overcoat, they were si�ing under a tent. We received a card from Mladen saying that he hasn’t changed his position. He now wants a divorce from my sister Juca. I feel very sorry for Juca who has given her feelings to a scoundrel and a rascal. If only she were clever enough never to see him again. But she can’t do that and therefore suffers, which hurts me the most, because he isn’t worth it. July 30, 1913

�ere will be a thanksgiving prayer at the church tomorrow to mark the victory of Serbia. August 6, 1913

Trans�guration. �e soldiers are going home and we’ve had guests. �ey were here for three days. A�er they le�, I whitewashed the house to disinfect everything before I bring the children home. �is morning a soldier brought us a le�er from Mladen. He asked if we could buy wine, tobacco, and cognac for him, but there is none of that in town. A large number of troops are stationed around Vranje. �ey are waiting for the trains, which haven’t been going for three days now, as the railroad needs repair. Yesterday Jova couldn’t buy a single egg at the market because of the soldiers, who paid 0.1 dinar each and bought everything. �e children wrote to us that they are doing well. �ere is a cholera epidemic here, around 20 people die every day. I am pregnant again. I wanted a baby and didn’t douche last month. I love it and so does Jova. We want this baby as if it were our �rst. Jova keeps stroking and touching me. He is so gentle and happy that I would give birth to a child every year just because of him. I told Olga. She criticized me a lot and told me I had forgo�en how much trouble a baby can be. She thinks I’m crazy. My sister Bela also thinks I’m crazy, as other women have two children and then stop, but I want more. I told them it makes me happy. I will raise it and bring it on the right path, may God only keep my Jova alive. We now have Greater Serbia, so there is going to be enough bread for everyone. With God’s help, it will be a son and we’ll name him Mirko—Peace. On the evening of August 15, I le� for Belgrade with Jova. It was a bad journey. We spent two nights and two days standing in the second-class aisle, like sardines. 171

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We stayed at the Paris hotel and I began seeing the dentist. I had all the teeth in my upper jaw repaired, and then went with Jova to Arandjelovac to collect the children. He immediately went to Vranje, and I went back to Belgrade. I went out for lunch with Jova’s brother, Luka, to Kolarac’s restaurant, but I wasn’t feeling well. �en I spent one day visiting my sister Juca and her husband Mladen in Valjevo to see how things are between them, but I couldn’t help anything. I returned to Arandjelovac and on September 7 we all went back to Vranje. Jova met us in Leskovac. We were so happy to see him. From Leskovac to Vranje we had the sweetest time. I forget all my troubles in Jova’s arms. September 25, 1913

I don’t feel well. I vomit every day and just drag myself around the house. I have cravings for different kinds of food and eat a lot, despite feeling nauseous. �e housework keeps my mind off the nausea. I prepared as much food for the winter as I could under the circumstances, about 28 kilos of plum jam and 18 liters of tomato sauce. I had a hard time �nding tomatoes. �e ones I used were brought from Skoplje, because there aren’t any here. Jova teaches the children math every evening. He will soon go to Berlin on business for the county and visit bridge factories to arrange the supply of construction material for the new bridges. Bela wrote to me that Juca and Mladen aren’t ge�ing along. He is a mean scoundrel and not worthy of her. September 29, 1913

Some time ago our neighbor Cana cut her toe in half with an axe. When I saw her dragging her foot, I asked her what was wrong, and she said, “It’s bad.” I brought her to my house and removed the dirty rags on her foot. I cleaned the wound and had a shock. Her foot and leg had swollen up to the knee, and her toe was covered in dirt and pus. I asked her if she had been to the hospital and she said she had. �ey dressed her wound, but she had removed the bandages and put some herbs on it that her grandmother had given to her. A�er that the wound got worse. I scolded her and washed her foot well in lukewarm water. I removed the dirt with co�on wool and cleaned the pus from the wound with carbolic acid. I poured some sublimate over it and covered it with gauze, a thick layer of co�on wool, and a bandage. I ordered her to put cold compresses on the swelling and told her not to walk on the street. A�er changing the bandages twice, her foot healed. A few days later, when I was most busy preparing dinner, a neighbor burst into my house with a li�le girl, begging me to dress the wound on her head because 172

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her younger sister had hit her with a baking pan, cu�ing the skin on her head. I put everything down and brought the child closer to light. She had a wound about 1 centimeter long above her eyebrow. It had stopped bleeding, but was still open. I rinsed it well and put some cream, gauze, and bandages on it. I advised the mother to take the daughter to the doctors the day a�er. �ree days later I saw the child on the street; she had taken off the bandage and was ashamed to come and show it to me—she had stuck some chewed brown bread on the wound. I took if off, and pus poured out of the wound. I called her mother, scolded her, washed the child’s wound again, and put a bandage on it. Finally the wound healed. Some time a�er that a man and a woman burst into the yard with a boy whose head was in bandages. I could only see his eyes. I asked them what they wanted, and they said they were looking for a doctor. I told them there was no doctor here and that they should go to the hospital. �e peasant looked at me and said, “We know where the hospital is, but we’re looking for a doctor to dress the child’s wound. An ox hit him on the head.” �e women on the street had told him someone in this house could dress his child’s wound. We �nally persuaded him to go to the hospital, and a�erwards Jova scolded me and said, “You’ll get in trouble with the doctors for interfering with their work.” �e children have fallen asleep, and I feel sad for some reason. I feel sorry for the poor uneducated people here. �ey avoid going to the doctors, are afraid of the hospital, and who knows how many of them die because of their foolishness. If I knew there weren’t any doctors at the hospital, I would have dressed the child’s wound, but as it is, it’s be�er for a doctor to do it because who knows how serious the injury is. September 30, 1913

Jova has le� on his long trip. �is morning the postman made me happy when he brought me a card from Jova from Belgrade. He had arranged everything there for the trip abroad and le� for Vienna this morning. He knew that I’ve had a craving for asparagus and bacon for a while, and that we can’t buy that here. He bought it, some godomin cheese and some salami, and sent it to me by mail. I know he always thinks of me �rst. �e children didn’t like the fact he hadn’t sent them cake but only remembered their mummy. I told them he had heard they were naughty. October 2, 1913

We received a card from Luka and a le�er from Bela in Valjevo. Bela wrote about Juca. Mladen le� without them resolving anything. Bela and Father saw him 173

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off at the station, and Father asked him what his plans were. He said he simply didn’t love Juca and didn’t know what to do. He will send her money. When he comes back he will se�le the ma�er with the courts and pay her back the 4,000 dinars she gave him and more. I can’t stop thinking about Juca. Why didn’t she take the money and deposit it at the bank a month ago, instead of giving it to him? October 5, 1913

�e �re is joyfully popping in the stove and the rooms are clean. We changed all the seat covers today, so it’s a pleasure to sit on them. �e children have taken a bath and changed their clothes, and are dozing now. Today I received three cards from Jova from Berlin. He says he has to go further to Lotharingia - Luxemburg and Didenhofen to visit �ve factories. Who knows how long he will stay. He had been to the opera. He says his journey will take him within three hours from Paris and he’s afraid of ge�ing lost. He will have a nice time. October 7, 1913

�ismorningwereceivedacardfromJova.Heisvisitingfactoriesbycar.Hesays he misses us but still has a lot to do and will stay for ten more days. I am unhappy he didn’t write me a more intimate le�er instead of sending only postcards. I am nervous and take it out on the children. He didn’t tell me he would stay this long; his work is more important to him than we are. He knows I am suffering with this pregnancy, so at least he could ask how I’m doing and whether I can cope alone. He is overwhelmed with his impressions of places abroad, and barely �nds the time to tell me how enchanted he is with this or that. Tomorrow will be three years since my mother died. Bela wrote she wants to register mother as a benefactor of the nursing home. I would rather give money to a disabled people’s home. �is morning I wrote Jova a rather hurtful le�er and I am already regre�ing it. I am going to check on Nenad, and I will get my revenge when Jova comes home. Nenad will sleep with me for at least a month. �ere aren’t any Jews living in Vranje. I have heard the following in connection with this fact: A Jew came to Vranje and stayed at one household to see how the circumstances were before he brought over his family and set up his business there. In order to check out the people from Vranje, he said, “Neighbor, can I borrow two eggs from you? I’ll return them as soon as I buy some.” �e neighbor brought out two eggs and then put them on a scale to weigh them. �e Jew asked him why he was weighing them, and he said, “What do you mean, why? Not all eggs are the same size. Once I measure them you’ll know exactly how many to give me back.” 174

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�e Jew laughed and said, “�ere is no bread for me in this town.” I made a mistake sending that le�er to Jova. He will forgive me, because he loves me, and I am still in love with him a�er ten years. Dear God, keep him alive and bring him back to me as soon as possible, though I’m still angry with him. October 9, 1913

I received another card from Jova. He says he destroyed his shoes walking on hot iron and has to buy new ones. He had been to the cinema with the company clerk and his wife. He says she is more in love with her husband than I am with him. You’re wrong, my Jova, I only want you to love me more than anything, more than the children and your work. He sent his greetings and his love to everybody in the card, me “especially.” I was moved by that single word and trembled with happiness all day today. I wonder what I would have done if he had wri�en me a le�er full of loving words, as I do to him. When Jova comes back, we will experience together that moment when the one we created together comes to life. We both wanted it as much as we did our four previous children, and they are looking forward to the new baby as well. It will be a happy child. October 14, 1913

Jova came around nine o’clock last night. I had just fallen asleep. I woke up and jumped out of bed when I heard the carriage. What bliss! I forgot about my anger and spent the night in heaven. I was in his lap all day. �e children and I are �ghting over him. He brought me a beautiful bag and a nice li�le ring with a cut diamond. October 15, 1913

I am in a bad mood tonight. I didn’t even want to eat dinner. I believe my condition is causing my nervousness and the fact that I have no patience for others. Jova didn’t tell me he has to go out of town on business today. Had I known, we would have gone with him. It was a beautiful day. I got angry with him. October 16, 1913

I saw Jova off to Leskovac with a smile on my face although I was angry with him yesterday. Last night, a�er he fell asleep, I began to cry, and he woke up and ran over to my bed, because I didn’t want to lie down next to him. He kissed and caressed me, and criticized me for ge�ing angry because I harm myself in this way. He took me in his arms and carried me over to his bed. I spent the rest of the night so very happy. 175

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October 19, 1913

�e train arrived, but Jova didn’t come. I won’t get angry, but when he comes back I’ll persuade him it makes no sense for him to spend so many weekends working. I got the piece of cloth I ordered for underwear in the mail. I try not to think about Jova, but I can’t. You cruel man, you like your work more than you love me, and if you work six days of a week, at least the seventh day you can spend with me. I am angry, very angry. I heard a carriage. I went out to the gate, but didn’t see a living soul. I am furious. I wrote a le�er to my cruel husband. I won’t be able to sleep tonight. I am crazy, won’t get up again. In front of me is a cup of milk I le� for Jova. I wanted to take a sip, but then remembered what Jova would say now if he were here: “You’ve been a wife and a mother for ten years now. You can’t act foolishly.” And what do I do? My lively spirit has now taken full swing, more than when I was young, and I know what love is. Not the kind that Jova talks about, love that comes close to duty and respect, but the ecstatic, passionate, crazy, and undying love. I want the ecstatic hours of the �rst love and happy youth. I probably feel that I am nearing middle age, and am wriggling like a snake to avoid being consumed by it. Later I will allow caring for the children and the duties of a wife and a mother to take �rst place. My sweet husband, you are sleeping peacefully somewhere. How much I would like to shake you now and spoil your sleep. I hear one of the children laughing in their sleep. Like their father, they also don’t understand their mother. Recently, people have been commenting on my good looks. I will do everything to improve my exterior to make Jova jealous. I want him to see how suffering feels. October 21, 1913

�is morning I saw the children off to school. �is is their �rst day in school a�er a year of war. Around six o’clock I went to the Vranje hotel with Jova to have a beer and read the paper. Nenad listens to everything I say. He went to the town several times to get something for me, and when he returned he went upstairs to get sugar from the cupboard and shouted from the balcony: “Mummy, I treated myself to some sugar for listening to you.” He is good as gold when he’s alone. November 7, 1913

I haven’t had any news from home, and it’s my sister Jelka’s slava tomorrow. My poor Jelka, she wasn’t meant to celebrate more than one slava with her husband, 176

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Danko’s elementary school class picture, in Vranje, just after the Balkan Wars; Danko is second from the left holding a white notebook.

Mita. �ey’d just go�en married and se�led down when the poor man died. If only they had go�en married before, when they wanted to, her happiness would have lasted longer. �is way she didn’t have much from life. My sister Juca isn’t writing either. I don’t know what happened to her husband Mladen, that army rascal. Today we received a wedding invitation from a 47-year-old man who is marrying a 20-year-old girl. We sent them our best wishes in writing, because we had to, but we won’t go to the wedding. First because I can’t stand people who lie to people to gain a higher position and then do more bad than good to those same foolish people who elected them. Second, he is an Old Radical, and I can’t stand them. �ird, his �ancée is awful. Typical stupid but arrogant Vranje girl, whose knowledge is limited to high heels and feather hats, but who thinks she is be�er than everybody. She turns up her nose at the other girls from Vranje, although at home she is barefoot, dirty, and uncombed, just like the other women. In addition to all this, the groom’s nephew hit Mila with a stick on the back when we were buying eggs at the market and then ran away. When he walks past our house he spits at the window next to the kitchen and sticks his tongue out at other children, calling them names. �ey only look at him in amazement. Once 177

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when he actually spit on a washed window, I ran out and yelled that I would give him a good spanking. He replied, “You Zrnić woman. I shit in your mouth.” I ran a�er him and slapped him a few times, and he began to curse me. I told him since his mother had taught him to speak this way he should go and say it to his new aunt. My landlady and a few other women were stunned and said they’ve never heard anyone use such foul language before. My washerwoman said that those children say the same thing to their uncle’s face: “I shit in your mouth, Mito,” and he only laughs. �at’s a sad father of the people, no wonder the children behave this way. Rusa says: “We’ve all had enough of them, Miss.” �ey come to their vineyard to beat up other children and push them into the river, but nobody can touch them, because they’re afraid of Mita. Well, I’m not afraid and I gave the boy a good spanking. �e children in Vranje are horrible, but these are the worst. �at’s why I won’t go to the wedding of one who is not worthy of even coming near my Jova but likes to suck up to him. �ank God that Jova’s profession isn’t dependent on Mita, the groom, so that he has to curry favor with him. My friend Olga has moved further away and it’s no longer convenient for me to drop by her house. I am gaining a lot of weight all over my body, even my face feels tight; I look younger and feel well. November 9, 1913

My sister Juca wrote to me that the thing I predicted actually happened. �ey took the money that Mladen owed her away from him and turned it over to the courts. I wrote to her not to despair. November 12, 1913

Bela wrote that she was in Valjevo and that Juca had hidden her belongings, while Mladen had covered the de�cit. He wrote to Juca that he doesn’t want to hear from her. She is willing to get a divorce, before he goes to jail. I wrote to Mladen and openly told him everything I think of him. November 13, 1913

Today I received a le�er from Mladen from Skoplje. He says he had a de�cit of 1,000 dinars in the cash register but had paid it back. He is still going to be handed over to the courts, and for this kind of offence, the law envisages a sentence of two to �ve years in prison. 178

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November 21, 1913

�e day before yesterday we got our �rst snow. A�er lunch today, we all went to the Vranje spa to meet George Matić, the county head from Prizren. Bela sent suits for the children, coats for Dragan and Danko, and a hat for Mila. November 30, 1913

A local engineer came to visit, who had recently returned from America. He went to buy land in the new territories, but he didn’t buy anything because the situation wasn’t se�led yet. He was telling us about life in America the entire evening and then le� for Berlin. December 6, 1913, St. Nicholas’ Day

George Matić came over for lunch. In the evening we went to the Vranje hotel, where we said goodbye to him and he le� for Skoplje. December 22, 1913, Father’s Day

�ere is a lot of snow, but the sun is shining. Jova went to Leskovac twice. While he was away, I did the laundry, whitewashed the rooms downstairs, and scrubbed the entire house. I kni�ed a pair of socks for each child as a Christmas present. I sent Luka a shirt, a pair of underwear, a bow tie, some preserves, ham, quince jam, �gs, and dates. Yesterday we got from him some godomin cheese, bu�er, �gs, a pair of gloves for me, a bow tie for Jova and leggings for the children. Today I made six different kinds of cake for Christmas. I went to the meeting of the Circle of Serbian Sisters. A�er the holidays I will continue sewing the sheets. Jova has gone to a café downtown. January 2, 1914

�ere was a snowstorm today, but a southern wind is blowing now. On New Year’s Eve we went to the party of the Circle of Serbian Sisters and stayed until two o’clock in the morning. Pregnant as I am, I still danced. January 3, 1914

I visited the school. I was disappointed by the disorder and the lack of discipline in the local schools. Jova and I went for a walk and stopped by the Vranje hotel to read the paper. I returned home before him. A�er lunch I went to the meeting of the Circle of Serbian Sisters and saw that women will be women and I shouldn’t go there ever again. Jova went to the gathering of the party cabinets 179

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of the Independent, Liberal, and Progressive parties, and the representatives of the Socialist party also a�ended. Jova is on the list of candidates for board members. January 15, 1914

Yesterday was St. Sava’s Day. I made turkey stew early in the morning so that we would be able to go to school in time for the celebration and the play. We were still having breakfast when Nenad screamed at the door of the room. I looked and saw that he had a metal hook stuck in his le� cheek in the direction of his jaw. �e maid had removed the turkey and le� the hook in the kitchen. Nenad ran into the kitchen and somehow, I don’t know how, managed to hurt himself like this. I screamed and immediately pulled the hook out. Jova also came running and we rinsed his wound with carbolic acid. It didn’t bleed much but he says it still hurts. We decided to go to the celebration. A�er lunch I lay down for a bit with Nenad. I woke up at three o’clock and saw that Dragan was red in the face and hot. We called the doctor, who ordered the child to remain in the house, no acting in the play for him. Everything was ready at the hotel. All the other children had gathered and began pu�ing on costumes, and when I informed the teacher she went crazy. We gave Dragan an aspirin and spent all evening trying to decide what to do. Jova wouldn’t even hear of Dragan going, but in the end we wrapped him up in a blanket and carried him over. I dressed him in his costume at the school. He played his role beautifully, sick as he was. A�er the play Mila recited her poem in a queen’s costume. We went home immediately, worried about Dragan. Around midnight his fever rose high and he started to talk nonsense. I woke him up and gave him an aspirin, so around two in the morning he sweated amply and his fever dropped before dawn. January 17, 1914

My gold teeth fell out yesterday (I had them put in the American way).23 I cursed that dentist and his America. He charged me a fortune and did a poor job. I will have to have my teeth done again, and in the meantime I can’t go anywhere without them. January 20, 1914

Jova went to Leskovac. �e iron bridge construction has arrived in Niš. He went to see if the contractor had �nished the scaffolding. 23

�e “American way” seems to refer to the types of alloys and materials used.

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Last night Jova and I went for a walk and stopped by at the Vranje hotel for a beer. Some people advised us to go home, because there might be trouble owing to the elections. I laughed and said, “Let there be trouble. Who will harm us when we haven’t done anything wrong to anyone?” Around seven o’clock we came home to have dinner and around eight the children went to bed. We stayed up reading the paper. �en we heard shot a�er shot coming from the center of town. We went to the front room and listened but couldn’t hear anything except that the elections were over. Members of the Old Radical Party stole about 30 ballots from the opposition so they made a ruckus. We only heard this morning that the houses of several people’s deputies were demolished, as was the entire municipal building, the downstairs of the grammar school, and the elementary school for boys. I despise this kind of barbarous behavior, regardless of who’s responsible. I don’t care if they smashed the windows on the People’s Deputies’ houses. �e people paid for them so let them smash them, but they should have le� the schools alone, because now the poor children again won’t be able to go to school and they’ve only just begun to learn something a�er the long break caused by the war. Today I discussed the ma�er with a junior police clerk and expressed my surprise that the police failed to do anything. He said he wasn’t able to do anything without orders, but that he a�erwards blocked the side streets and opened �re with the soldiers the best he could. I told him that a lot of innocent people might have go�en killed this way, and he replied, “Oh no, we knew, we had a password.” “And you call this noninterference of the police with the free elections,” I said, and he realized he had said too much but it was already too late. �ey say that one particular teacher proved to be most dishonest among them, as well as another professor who was involved in stealing the ballots. �e police clerk told me they will arrest a lot of people today, but so far nothing has happened. I can’t wait for Jova to come back and tell me what happened. February 18, 1914

I went to Belgrade with Dragan. We took an express train in the morning and returned in the evening of the third day. I didn’t like the journey, because we both had in�uenza when we le�. Still, I took Dragan to the National Museum at Kalamegdan, to the cinema, and to the theater.24 When we returned, we both fell ill and had to lie in bed. Dragan went back to school only yesterday. 24

Kalemegdan is an imposing fort situated on a bluff overlooking the con�uence of the Sava and Danube Rivers in Belgrade. Although some sort of forti�cation has existed on this location since Roman times, the fort had been recently reconstructed at the time that Natalija visited it.

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�e washerwoman has been doing our laundry for two days now. On Sunday I will whitewash the walls so that everything is clean before I go into labor. My sister Bela writes that she will come. March 1, 1914

�is morning we received a le�er saying that Jova’s nephew Svetko is very ill. He has pneumonia and is right now experiencing a crisis. I love him the same as my sister Bela and hope that God keeps him alive. �is evening we got a wire with the following content: “Svetko is seriously ill, his death is imminent.” I feel sorry for his loved ones. We are hoping things will get be�er. March 2, 1914

�is evening we received a wire that Svetko had died. It’s a pity and a tragedy that such a young man should die. March 16, 1914

Bela arrived yesterday morning around four o’clock by train. It snowed all day yesterday. I am calmer now, when I’m not alone for the delivery. My Bela is always here when I need her. She is my favorite sister. �e children were also very happy that their aunt has come. �is morning I got up early and prepared breakfast, when they called me from the room and told me that Dragan has smallpox. I ran upstairs and saw Dragan covered in red dots. I called the doctor and he told me Dragan has measles. When we were in Valjevo he had smallpox, and now he has measles. He has a fever of 38ºC.25 He got a honey pot to take honey every two hours and something to rinse his throat. �e doctor also gave Danko black oil with iodine to take one spoon a�er every meal. March 30, 1914

Today we all drove to the spa. �e weather was wonderful. Yesterday the children went to the Willow Day celebration, and a�er a walk took a picture with Bela. My condition is unchanged, but I am ge�ing more and more scared. In the evening Jova, Bela and the children went to the cinema. I didn’t go, because I felt tired. I have �nished my new socks and it should now be time for me to give birth. I would like to get this over and done with as soon as possible. 25

100.4º F.

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Natalija’s younger sister Bela and the children: Mila, Dragan, Danko, and Nenad, in Vranje, 1914, before the beginning of the First World War.

April 3, 1914

Eleven years ago to this day Jova kissed me for the �rst time. It was on a hill at Kisela Voda, and ever since then I have been very happy. It’s Mila’s birthday today. She has turned nine. I simply can’t believe how quickly the time has passed. Daddy gave Mila �ve dinars, Bela gave her a ball, and I was so busy I didn’t even have time to pull on her ears. I dyed 130 eggs for the children. I made the following types of cake: greasy tart, hazelnut tart with chocolate, vanilla crescents, Magdalene cookies, gurabija, chocolate meringues, London sticks, and almond sticks. �ey all turned out well. I pray to God that I have my delivery while Jova is still here. April 7, 1914, Second Easter Day

Easter passed, and I still haven’t gone into labor. �e children went to the cinema with Bela, and Jova and I went for a walk alone and talked about my delivery. We returned home around �ve and soon Bela also came back with the children. Jova then took them to the main square, and I stayed alone, because my maid still hasn’t returned from her walk. 183

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My stomach began to hurt. I thought it was constipation so I gave myself an enema. But the stomach pain continued and I had a bloody discharge. I was sure I was in labor and hurriedly began to prepare everything we would need. I washed my hands and saw that my womb was already open. At this moment the maid arrived so I sent her to get Jova and the midwife. �ey came straightaway and Jova started teasing me that I have been lying for a month now. �e children came with Bela, and when they saw me wailing they also started to cry. I was in terrible pain from eight to nine, so I lay down on the bed and, a�er only three contractions, the child was born. It was a much easier delivery than all the ones before. I couldn’t believe everything was over. Soon the a�erbirth came out as well, and overwhelmed with joy I asked Jova to kiss me. I am now feeling all right. Our newest baby, Mirko, slept the �rst night and I nursed him at four o’clock in the morning. On Wednesday and �ursday he cried all day and night. I didn’t have any milk, so I gave him cow’s milk (three cups of water, one cup of milk, and two sugar cubes). April 16, 1914

I dressed myself and gave Mirko a bath. He is a golden baby and sleeps all night. I had a lot of milk and didn’t have to give him any additional food. �e children have gone to school. Mila has a cough and has lost some weight. We haven’t yet heard from the godfathers so we can’t determine the date for the christening. Yesterday, my friend Olga came to visit, and he got a gown from her. April 18, 1914

Last night Bela le� and took Nenad with her. Jova escorted them to Leskovac. When they le�, I dusted the whole house and scrubbed the �oors with Jovanka. I sent the godfather an invitation to come for St. George’s Day. April 23, 1914, St. George’s Day

�e children have gone to the cinema, and I stayed at home to play with Mirko. I fed him and sang to him so he fell asleep. He resembles Jova a lot, which is why I love him even more. Bela writes I shouldn’t worry about Nenad. He is doing �ne and likes it be�er there than at home. May 1, 1914

We christened Mirko on April 27. His name remained Mirko.

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July 10, 1914

Jova has been traveling around the county a lot. He went to Belgrade to gather information about resigning from his post and going back into civil service. �ere isn’t a minister who won’t take him with open arms, regardless of which party he is from. On St. Peter’s Day the children returned from church and school and brought home the best grades both in studying and discipline. Dragan brought home a grammar school certi�cate. He has straight A’s and is the only one in his class who got two bound books as a present. Mirko was three months old the day before yesterday. Mirko is a wonderful baby and I love him dearly. Mila is also crazy about him. She picks him up just as much as I do. �e others also play with him, though only occasionally, and laugh at his cooing.

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Part II.

Years of War 1914-1924

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Chapter 6.

The War Begins July 1914 to October 1915

Background

N

atalija’s simultaneous and fervent hopes that peace might come to the Balkans and that Bosnia-Hercegovina might soon be joined to the Serbian state proved to be mutually exclusive. Indeed, her aspirations, and the aspirations of the majority of Serbs concerning the status of Bosnia-Hercegovina, ultimately contributed to the most destructive war the world had yet known. �e “shot heard round the world” was a watershed event in world history, precipitating the collapse of four major European powers and bringing into being many more. When the war was over, more than ten million soldiers and civilians were dead, Europe’s con�dence was sha�ered, and Natalija’s world lay in ruins. �e First World War broke out on July 28, 1914—exactly one month to the day a�er the fatal shooting of the heir to the Austro-Hungarian throne, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, in the Bosnian capital of Sarajevo. �e archduke had been shot by a 19-year- old Bosnian Serb student, Gavrilo Princip, aided by �ve young friends, inspired by Serbian nationalism and armed by the Serbian conspiratorial organization known as the “Black Hand.” Although the Serbian government had no official connection to either the Black Hand or the young assassins, Austro-Hungarian leaders were convinced otherwise and considered this an opportune moment to crush their intransigent neighbor to the south. Had they done so immediately, they might easily have succeeded. Instead, they sent an ultimatum designed to be rejected and then negotiated its rejection for nearly a month, giving Serbia’s allies (Russia in particular) and Europe’s other Great Powers time to consider the consequences of Austria’s maneuver to alter the balance of power in the region. In fact, Serbian subordination to Austria would have severely weakened Russia’s position within the Balkan Peninsula, all the 189

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more so given Germany’s open support for Austria. Worried about Austria’s potential power, France and Britain threw their support behind Russia. On July 28 the Habsburg government declared war on Serbia. �e next day, the Russian tsar ordered a mobilization of troops. In response, Germany entered on the side of Austria-Hungary and declared war on Serbia, Russia, France, and Belgium. Britain entered the war on August 4, forming the Entente along with France and Russia against the Central Powers. �e Balkan front opened on August 12 when, at the Ba�le of Cer, 250,000 Austro-Hungarian troops crossed the Sava and Drina Rivers into Serbia. Serbia appeared to be in grave danger as its 4.5 million inhabitants faced the AustroHungarian Empire with its 52 million inhabitants. A�er several days of �ghting, the Austrians managed to capture the Serbian city of Šabac, but the Serbs soon pushed them back and moved into Bosnia. �is marked the �rst major victory against the Central Powers and dashed Austrians’ expectations of a swi� victory. As a result, the Austrians had to keep sizable forces on the Serbian front, which weakened their efforts against Russia. For more than three months, �erce �ghting raged in western Serbia. Austrian troops advanced into Serbian territory, occupying Belgrade and pushing as far south as Natalija’s hometown of Arandjelovac and beyond. Serbian troops rallied (King Peter joining them at the front lines with a ri�e in his hands) and again defeated the Austrian-Hungarian army in the Ba�le of Kolubara, fought from November 16 to December 15, 1914, which resulted in the retaking of Belgrade. Serbs o�en fought other Serbs, as those who lived in Bosnia-Hercegovina and Croatia were dra�ed into the Austro-Hungarian army and sent to the front against the Serbian army. By the end of 1914, the Austro-Hungarian Balkan Army Group lost around 227,000 men (out of a total of 450,000 engaged in the ba�les), while the Serbian army lost around 170,000 men (nearly its entire prewar strength). �is was the last major ba�le that the Serbian army would win. It had entered the war already exhausted from the Balkan Wars and was further weakened by a terrible typhus epidemic that swept through Serbia in the winter of 1914–15. By the time the epidemic subsided in the summer of 1915, one-sixth of the Serbian population had been infected and almost 200,000 had died of the disease. With the onset of war, the question of Serbia’s status, and especially its claims to Bosnia-Hercegovina, were uppermost in the minds of the politicians and the populace. Jova and thousands of others marched off to war “carried away,” as Natalija herself was, “with enthusiasm and hopes for the liberation of Bosnia.” 190

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But Prime Minister Nikola Pašić and the government, now located in Niš to the south, reformulated the idea of a Great Serbian state, which had been the heart of Serbs’ national aspirations for the past three generations. Encouraged by the Western governments (who hoped to induce Bulgaria to join the war on their side and to appeal to South Slavs in the Austro-Hungarian Empire), the Serbian government in the Niš Declaration of December 1914 declared its intention to �ght for the liberation and uni�cation of all South Slavs. �e notion of a Serbian nation-state, Jova and Natalija’s dream, was replaced by the idea of a Yugoslav state of Serbs, Croats, and Slovenes (and various other nationalities). �ough not many were listening closely at this point, this shi� in national goals was to have momentous consequences for Serbia and its neighbors. For Natalija and the inhabitants of Serbia, the main concern was to somehow survive the mortal danger facing them. Half a million men were mobilized by September, Jova among them. He, like many others, was sent to the north, where the �ghting was taking place, though as a civil engineer he was eventually recalled to the south to fortify the rail and road infrastructure for the troops. Meanwhile, Natalija remained behind to nurse the sick and wounded soldiers who were transferred to hospitals in Vranje and other points south, away from the �ghting. She was sick with worry for her family in Arandjelovac, who were in the zone of �ghting and in constant danger. Her sister Bela, like Natalija, worked at the local hospital nursing typhus patients, and Natalija worried that with her frail health she might succumb to the disease. As the �ghting between Serbian and Austrian forces became �ercer and the situation more dire in November 1914, Natalija’s sisters and father came to stay brie�y with her in the south. With her beloved sisters and her Jova nearby, Natalija �nished 1914, the �rst year of the Great War, with a thankful heart. She couldn’t know then of the terrible hardship for her family that was about to begin.

July 13, 1914

�e entire world is being mobilized. We are on the brink of a war with Austria. �is evening Jova went to the command in Belgrade. We saw him off and I cried, but I could see that he has faith and hope that he will see his homeland liberated. When he saw me crying, he said, “Why are you crying? You should be proud I’m going.” I understood what he wanted to say, because he was again thinking of Bosnia. I won’t cry. �ankGodhele�usallingoodhealthandina fullhouse.I amcon�dent 191

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that God will preserve our nest and our li�le birds. I don’t know anything about my father and sisters. July 14, 1914

According to the newspapers, everything can still be resolved without war. Anything to avoid more bloodshed. Will our Mirko see no peace? He isn’t old enough to understand anything yet and peace is already under threat. People are saying that the trains are so full that the officers have to sit on the roof. I wonder how my Jova’s journey was. I haven’t heard anything from him. Mirko is my only consolation now. He makes me forget my worries for a while. July 15, 1914

I heard today that Jova has le� Belgrade for Ralja, where his command is stationed. I have been running around the house like a madwoman. At �rst I was carried away with enthusiasm and hopes for the liberation of Bosnia. But now that I’ve had enough time to think, I have begun having fears because I remember what war is like. It always brings trouble and misfortune to both sides; even the winners pay the price. So many don’t live to see the end. Some people say that Austria has declared war on Serbia and Russia on Austria. We in Vranje don’t know anything about what’s going on and I am desperate. I don’t even know where Jova is. If only I could �y to where you are, my Jova, lean against you, my sweet sunshine, and steal your warmth. I now have nobody to lean on and I don’t know what the future holds for us. I have only dark thoughts and you’re not here to chase them away. I know you are also thinking of us at this moment. I know you are lonely and long for us. July 16, 1914

�ank God, we received a card this morning from Jova. He wrote it two days ago in Belgrade, and sent it from Ćuprija, where his assembly point is. Austria declared war yesterday, but we only learned this officially today. Tomorrow there will be a prayer service for Serbian victory. I am praying for peace. July 19, 1914

Today I received two cards from Jova. I prepared everything for the slava, although I don’t feel like celebrating. Still, I made some cake for the children to bring us good luck. �ey don’t understand our adult worries yet so let them enjoy themselves. 192

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July 21, 1914

�e day before yesterday, I spent our slava in bed sick and desperate. Around noon the priest came to cut the cake, which he and Dragan did together. I had tears in my eyes because Jova is not here. May God keep him alive, so that next year he can be here with us and cut the cake. �e children had lunch alone while I went to my room to cry so they wouldn’t see me. �is morning I am feeling be�er, but there isn’t any mail and I am worried and sad. We have no news here about the situation or about what’s going on. People are saying we could come under a�ack from the Bulgarians and the guerrillas. Nobody knows anything for certain. July 27, 1914

Sunday. It’s been two weeks today since Jova’s departure. He has sent us cards almost every day. Today I received a le�er saying they have packed their bags and are waiting to move out. �ree days ago Duško, Jova’s sister’s son, came from Bosnia. He is in the fourth grade of the agricultural school in Šabac. I’ve kept him here until Jova decides what to do about him. He can’t go home to Bosnia now, because the Austrians would recruit him into their army, and the school is no longer open. Perhaps it would be best for him to stay with us, and join our army, if necessary. At least the children and I are no longer alone. We still don’t know anything about what’s going on because we aren’t ge�ing any news here. �e uncertainty is killing me. I am praying for Jova to return. When he is next to me, I am not afraid of anything, but when I’m alone I get scared and sad, and cannot do anything right. I am mad with worry. I haven’t heard anything from my family either and don’t know how they are doing. July 29, 1914

Yesterday Jova sent us word from Mladenovac. I will go crazy with worry. I spent today in bed. I have a fever and am vomiting. God, it’s be�er for you to take me and bring him back. He would be a father and a mother to the children, and I can’t do anything alone. July 30, 1914

I spent all night delirious and vomiting. I can barely stand on my feet. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Mila is coping somehow, but she is only a child. I called the midwife to give the baby a bath and to check that I’m not pregnant again. �at wouldn’t be good for me or for the child. �e children had lunch 193

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without me; Mila is washing the dishes. I gave Mila instructions on how to feed Mirko in case I get so ill that I can’t breastfeed him. �e children are quiet; they probably see that I am weak. �e county board, the county head office, and the army roads administration were all looking for Jova to help them. �ey hope he will soon be exempted from military service. August 1, 1914

I’m so afraid that I might be pregnant again. I have been sick all morning. I don’t know how this could have happened when I’m still breastfeeding. It’s terrible that this should happen in addition to all the other misfortunes. August 4, 1914

Yesterday morning a soldier came with a le�er from Jova. I immediately felt be�er and prepared presents for Jova. I sent him some cake, candy, cans of food, raspberry preserve, and 100 dinars. �e doctor came to see me yesterday, and he says I have bowel catarrh. �at’s still be�er than what I thought it was. We heard that the Germans have entered our beautiful Šabac. We don’t know what’s going on there. My sister Bela writes that she is nursing typhoid fever patients. Dear God, look a�er her. She is fragile and not very strong herself. August 7, 1914

I haven’t received any news from Jova in three days. Today the �rst wounded soldiers arrived in Vranje. Dear God, preserve our country! People are saying the Germans have done some terrible things in Šabac. It’s very hot and a lot of blood is being shed. August 8, 1914

Jova, my sweetheart, can you hear my cries in this dark and deserted night? I haven’t heard anything from you for four days. During the day I control myself because of the children, but when the night falls and they are asleep, I give in to my feelings and cry. It’s been almost a month since you le�, my sweetheart! How must you feel, sleeping somewhere outside in the rain! If only I could tell you everything I feel. �ere was supposed to be a total eclipse of the sun today, but we didn’t see it. �e sun got darker and took on the shape of a heart, but then the clouds came, hiding it from view.

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August 10, 1914

Today I received a le�er from Jova. We haven’t heard any news here. All that can be heard is wailing and moaning everywhere. Dear God, watch over my Jova, my sweetness and happiness, our breadwinner. A�er lunch I went to the hospital. I took some cigare�es and biscuits to the wounded. A�er that I went with my friend Olga to the station to wait for the medical corps train. It arrived at four o’clock in the a�ernoon. On the way there I bought more cigare�es and some Turkish delight. I divided this among four seriously wounded soldiers who were being taken to the hospital on stretchers. Dear God, give them strength to endure all the suffering and pain, and heal their wounds! August 12, 1914

No mail. �is morning Jova’s nephew Duško, Danko, and Nenad went to the station to welcome the soldiers. Dragan was naughty. He plucked a bunch of grapes in someone’s vineyard, so I gave him a spanking and didn’t let him out of the house. A few days ago he brought back corn from somebody else’s �eld. I have to stop him from doing this so that he doesn’t tarnish Jova’s reputation. I was so upset I couldn’t eat my dinner, and I’m still trembling with anger. I gave him a good spanking, but I’m under the impression that it hurts me more than him. I cannot �nd peace. Tomorrow will be a month since Jova le�. I now have to discipline the children alone. August 13, 1914

�is morning my oldest sister, Jelka, came. I can calm down now and get some rest. Whenever I’m in trouble, one of my sisters comes. �e children received a le�er from Jova. I didn’t let Dragan eat dinner. He is ge�ing worse every day. I don’t want to write Jova about his behavior, because I don’t want him to worry. Dragan now needs his father the most, which is perhaps why he is behaving this way. I don’t know what to do with him. He doesn’t listen to a thing I say, and Jova isn’t here. August 15, 1914

I haven’t heard any news from Jova. I don’t want to scold the children anymore. �ey are suffering from their father’s absence as much as I am. It’s too much for their young souls. Around �ve o’clock we went with the children to the vineyard. 195

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Mila has had a cough for a few days now, but she ran around anyway and it got worse. When we got home I turned on the humidi�er and sent Duško to get a doctor. He said she doesn’t have diphtheria, but a bad case of bronchitis. He gave her a cream to rub on her chest and an herbal remedy to drink. She is sleeping now. God, please look a�er my Mila, and I promise not to use my bi�er tongue ever again. August 24, 1914

�is evening two wounded soldiers came from the hospital. �ey have been sent home for recovery. One of them took with him a le�er and a parcel for Jova with Caciocavallo cheese and woolen socks. Today I went to the county offices to see about changing Duško’s citizenship from Bosnian (Austrian) to Serbian. I paid some municipal fees (11 dinars) and 2.5 dinars for a certi�cate of good behavior and that was the end of it. It’s probably necessary, because all the other Austrian citizens are being locked up. Now that he has Serbian citizenship, I no longer need to worry about him. August 27, 1914

Yesterday I received a card from Jova. He says they are leaving their town, and I now doubt that the soldier with the parcel will ever �nd him. My sister, Bela, wrote that she won’t be coming yet. August 28, 1914

Today we received a card from Jova. He described the crossing of Mount Cer and the front line, and says they are moving forward. Bela writes they can hear artillery �re in Arandjelovac and that our troops have surrounded Zemun, about 30 kilometers north of Belgrade. August 29, 1914, St. John’s Day

It’s your name day today, my sweetheart. May you be happy and may God look a�er you. I fasted. We haven’t received any mail. �ey say our troops have taken Zemun. �is evening I wrote to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs about Duško’s change of citizenship. �is evening Olga came to visit. As we were talking at the gate, her husband came by. I said I was surprised that Ribnikar a�acked the government in Politika and Mr. Baja for being the only member of the government who came to Belgrade a�er 40 days of shelling, and Olga said, “Don’t you criticize Baja. None of this 196

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would have happened if it hadn’t been for his diplomatic efforts with Russia. Had the Independents gained power under the protection of Vienna, we would be ruined.” I lost control and shouted at her to take her words back. I am sick of Olga’s arrogance. I don’t want to have anything to do with her anymore. I told her there is no government in Serbia that would work under the protectorate of Vienna.1 August 31, 1914

It’s been pouring rain since noon. Sad news is coming. Our forces have gained ground, but there are a lot of casualties. Poor soldiers, poor people. Jova sent a card. September 1, 1914

Serb forces have taken Zemun and Srem north of Belgrade, but they are saying the Germans are advancing again at Lešnica on the Drina River to the west. I took some cake and cigare�es to the hospital. I will send them books tomorrow. �ere is news that the Russians are advancing. September 2, 1914

Today I received Jova’s salary, another 650 dinars. I put aside 150 dinars for insurance. I still have 450 dinars from last month. I will pay for Jova’s shoes and buy �our, which will amount to about 50 dinars. I am saving. Until recently there wasn’t any beer to buy, whereas now that’s the only luxury I have. I gave money to Duško, Jova’s nephew, to buy tobacco. I worry about what’s happening on the front line. We are ge�ing all kinds of news, but nobody knows anything for certain. �ey say the Germans have again crossed at the estuary of the Drina River and taken Krupanj, and are now advancing towards Loznica. I also heard that our forces don’t have enough weapons or ammunition. My sister Bela wrote she is coming; I can’t wait. September 4, 1914

We received a card from Jova. I am worried, because we are ge�ing news about the Austrians advancing. I am singing this song to Mirko: 1

Ribnikar was the editor of Politika, the most prominent political newspaper in Belgrade, and had criticized “Baja”—a nickname for Prime Minister Nikola Pašić—on the grounds that he had returned to Belgrade only for private business concerns and not to defend the state. Olga’s defense of Pašić and her a�ack on the Independents, who had earlier recommended accepting the Austrian ultimatum, infuriated Natalija, presumably because Jova was a member of the Independents.

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Natalija and her five children: Dragan, Mila, Danko, Mirko, and Nenad, just after the beginning of the First World War. Natalija had recently lost most of her teeth.

My dear Daddy, when are you coming back? Your Mirko loves you, and prays to dear God. May he protect you from evil and defend you at all times, so you can return to Mirko and feed your li�le son. A few days ago, the children were eating rice pudding for lunch and Danko said, “We are eating rice pudding and poor Daddy is eating brown soldier’s bread.” Mila began to cry and le� the pudding. September 9, 1914

We took pictures of Mirko and all the �ve children together to send to people. A�er lunch a reserve officer came from the hospital. He said that more seriously injured soldiers have arrived. I received cards from Bela and Jova. Jova wrote that there is �erce �ghting going on near him. Bela says that things are horrible but that she can’t write about them. �e county board and the municipal government were again looking for Jova today. �ey think he has been exempted. Dear God, help him come home for at least a month.

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September 12, 1914

Jova still hasn’t come. We washed and ironed the laundry, cleaned the house, and I made some cake. It has been pouring rain since noon. September 13, 1914

Today Jova sent us another card from Zavlaka in western Serbia.2 He still doesn’t know that he has been exempted from military service. September 21, 1914

Sunday. No news, no Jova. I am waiting and can neither sleep nor �nd peace. At night I cry and keep my ears open. I hope, run outside, and see nothing. I went to see the county head, who was very kind. I sent a wire to Jova, but I’m worried I don’t have the right address. September 24, 1914

No mail. �e wire came back. Last night I dreamt that Jova had returned but looked ill in his green coat. September 25, 1914

I sent the children to have dinner. I can’t go. Today the municipal board received an official response with the following content: “�e competent command has received orders to release Mr. Jova Zrnić and will do so as soon as possible, following orders of the Chief of Staff.” Who knows when that will be? September 28, 1914

Sunday. Jova came at midnight last night. He is my life and my happiness. October 2, 1914

Last night Jova went on a trip and he won’t come back before Sunday. It seems that the Allies aren’t doing that well. �at wretched Germany is advancing on all sides. �ey conquered the whole of Belgium. With God’s help they will start losing strength. Bloodthirsty tyrants!

2

Zavlaka, a small town in western Serbia near Kupanj, is in a picturesque valley surrounded by mountains.

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October 4, 1914

Jova hasn’t come back. �at’s �ne, let him do his duty. �e post office returned the le�ers I sent to Jova when he was on the front line, which he didn’t get. A le�er arrived from Bela. She says a sanitary commission from New York consisting of twelve nurses and three doctors arrived in Arandjelovac. Bela became friends with them.3 October 9, 1914

Mirko rolled off the bed when I was si�ing next to him. I turned around to tell Jova something, and he thudded onto the �oor. I was petri�ed, but he only laughed. He is six months old today. Today I got my �rst period since the delivery. October 19, 1914

�is evening we heard that the situation has improved and that the Russians are winning against the Austrians. October 25, 1914

We have moved to a new apartment. �e apartment is very spacious, comfortable, and quiet. January 30, 1915

Soon a�er our move, people began to �ee the northern parts of the country. At the end of November, my sisters and several of our other relatives and acquaintances came. Some of them stayed with us until I helped �nd them housing. My father also came for Christmas. �en, one by one, they all le�. My sisters Juca and Bela le� shortly before the New Year. Finally, around St. Sava’s Day, I took to bed and still haven’t recovered. Two doctors came to see me but they each gave me a differentdiagnosis.Tomorrow I will call a third. Mirko is also feeling under the weather today. �e Vranje ladies are preparing a concert. I am surprised people still feel like a�ending events like that. �e concert is organized for the bene�t of the children of those killed. I sent 20 dinars. Time has �own by and so much has already happened: the retreat of our army a�er the Austrian a�ack and then our glorious victories against the Austrians as we 3

�is was most likely the Red Cross Sanitary Commission on the study of typhus in which the famous American bacteriologist Hans Zinsser participated. He later published the well-known study documenting the role of head lice in the spread of typhus, entitled, Rats, Lice, and History.

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pushed them back north. Now there are infectious diseases everywhere. Doctors are dying on a daily basis.4 �e �ghting has come to a halt, but nobody knows when it will �nally be over. Food prices are rising, with shortages of food and bread every day. February 8, 1915

A week ago Jova’s nephew Duško returned from Skoplje. �e doctor says he has recurring typhus fever. We separated him in the room in the yard, and the maid and I are looking a�er him. May God protect us from illness. At the hospital in Skoplje, Duško was in the same room as the typhus patients, and he may have brought typhus to our house. Jova wanted to take him to the hospital immediately, but I protested loudly and he relented. Now I may regret my decision. Duško has a high fever, and I’m afraid he may have some kind of infectious disease. One evening Jova got upset and said, “He is sel�sh, a real primitive Bosnian. He thinks only of himself and his own life, nothing else. He should have gone to the hospital, sick as he is, and warned me he had spent time in contaminated areas. Instead he doesn’t say anything even when I shout and keep the children away from him.” Now I also see he’s right. Jova wouldn’t be able to cope with that kind of disease with his bad stomach and his heart defect, nor would I, weakened as I am by the in�uenza, and I won’t even mention the children. Bela writes she isn’t feeling well. I know that her health is almost completely ruined, but she won’t listen to me and go to Corfu. What use is money to her if she’s lost her health? February 15, 1915

It’s cold, snowy, and windy. �e winter has come back. Every day the paper writes about the death of two or four doctors. Typhus is spreading. People are dying, as are the soldiers and the doctors. War is worse during the cease-�re than when people are dying from the bullets. We transported Duško to the hospital 4

In the winter of 1914–15 a terrible typhus epidemic swept through Serbia, resulting in 150,000 to 200,000 deaths. Not be confused with typhoid fever, typhus is a disease caused by the Ricke�sia microbe transmi�ed by body and head lice. It is especially common among soldiers who are not in a position to wash or change clothes o�en. Symptoms of the disease include reddish spots, high fever, headache, chills, body aches, and, in extreme cases, delirium, coma, and cardiac arrest. Fatality rates can reach as high as 80 percent. In the typhus epidemic of 1914–15 in Serbia, fatality rates ranged from 20 percent at the beginning to 60 to 70 percent at its peak in March and April 1915. In that period, some 500,000 people, one-sixth of the Serbian population, developed the disease. �e medical support system was completely unable to cope—there were simply too few hospitals, doctors, beds, and medical supplies. Most of the 400 doctors in Serbia also fell ill and 126 of them died.

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two days ago. �e doctor advised it, because he diagnosed typhus. We made sure he had the same conditions at the hospital as he would at home. Bela wrote and asked about �our. �ere isn’t any here. What are we going to do without food? I think Jova will go to Bujanovac tomorrow to see if there is any wheat at the market. If there is, he will buy some for them and for us as a reserve. Mirko received his �rst new dress. I made it from a navy-blue fabric and it’s very pre�y. He is good and handsome and a real rascal. We all love him a great deal. We �ght over who will carry him �rst, Daddy, the children, or me. He knows where the bunny drinks water, how to applaud, and how to show where his brains are. He likes to put a clock to his ear and listen to it. He scribbles on Nenad’s blackboard and pretends to “read” the paper by going over the lines with his �nger and babbling. He now has four teeth. He got his �rst two when he was only two months old. He is progressing well, now weighs ten kilos, likes taking a bath, and eats a lot. His daddy and brothers are making a highchair for him in the kitchen, because he now regularly eats with us at the table. I am still breastfeeding him. I won’t stop until he starts talking and walking. He now eats everything we do and it doesn’t bother him. �ere is poverty and misfortune everywhere you turn, and now everybody is depressed and worried. When will this crazy slaughterhouse end? February 25, 1915

It’s been pouring rain for three days now. It has turned cold and there is thunder and hail. On Sunday, when it was raining the most, I went to see Duško at the hospital. His fever is gone. Hopefully he’ll recover soon so that he can leave that smelly place. �e conditions at the hospital are awful. It’s stinky and disgusting. �e once pre�y and clean rooms are now as �lthy as the rooms at a village inn. Yesterday I received a le�er from my sisters, Jelka and Bela. Jelka criticizes us for pu�ing Duško in the hospital. �e doctor ordered it, and who would have looked a�er him at home when I am not feeling well myself ? �e wheat is now half a dinar a kilo; hunger is coming. March 8, 1915

It snowed last night, and spring is supposed to begin tomorrow. It’s as if the weather has also conspired against these poor people. Mirko is now 11 months old and peace is nowhere near. �ere is suffering and poverty everywhere. Mirko is rolling around on the bed with his daddy. He doesn’t know anything about the war. Will his name bring happiness to him at least? 202

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On March 4, Jova went to his office a�er lunch and around three o’clock, when he was slowly walking home, he suddenly felt so sick to his stomach that he thought he would vomit and his face turned green. As soon as he got home I gave him castor oil and told him to lie down. I made him some hot tea and put hot tiles on his stomach and his feet. �e children got scared, and were quiet and good to allow Daddy to get some rest. I am worried about what to do, because now we have a shortage of medication and doctors for all serious illnesses. As if we don’t have enough problems. Jova got up the next day, but we continued with the diet and care. I wonder how he will cope in the �eld where the conditions for rest and sleep are poor and there isn’t any food he can eat? How can I preserve his health when he has a job like this? He can no longer eat heavy food, and I will increase his milk rations. I am boiling yellow milfoil and Icelandic moss again for him. �at helped him before. �ere are infectious diseases everywhere. People are dying from typhus like �ies, and meningitis is spreading among the children. If I can only protect the children from all that! March 19, 1915

It has again turned cold and a very strong wind is blowing. �e weather simply won’t let the poor get warm. Duško has been discharged from the hospital and is again staying with us. We are all healthy, but Duško has had a fever for several days again. �is morning his fever broke, but this is already the fourth time so I’m worried. Who knows what he may have contracted from the other patients at that �lthy hospital. Our maid Ana’s child died in Belgrade. �e poor girl is devastated that she had to leave him there when they were expelled from Belgrade as foreign citizens. �ey didn’t even let her go visit him. I think I’ll request a permit for her to at least go visit his grave a�er Easter. We will de�nitely stay in Vranje for a li�le longer until things se�le down. Besides I will agree with everything Jova decides to do. �is morning a 12-yearold peasant brought our �rewood. His parents died, and he has remained with �ve other younger children at the house. He and his li�le sister keep the house. He was in tears when he told me he had nobody le� and that his father had died of typhus three weeks ago. Two days ago in the Turkish district I met a woman with seven children whose husband was killed in the war, and she and the children now live on 6 dinars a month that she gets from the municipality. She is busy with her two-month-old baby and cannot go to work. Terrible stories everywhere. God, give us peace. 203

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�ere has been enough bloodshed and death and poverty. Give us kindness based on your kindness, not our deeds. First day of Easter

We should be celebrating, but who will celebrate in such sad times? Everyone has their own pain and troubles. Bela writes that our sister Juca is very ill. She has typhus. I am in a bad mood and don’t want to leave the house. If anyone comes to visit, they will be welcome. �e children are looking forward to the dyed eggs; they have been rolling them all day. Mirko is playing with Jova, and I am thinking about my poor sister Juca, how she wasted her youth, about her unhappy marriage and now illness. We made �re in two stoves and in a third one in Duško’s room— �rewood is very expensive. March 27, 1915

Friday. Bela hasn’t wri�en about Juca’s illness anymore. I don’t know why. Juca is either doing badly or Bela has fallen ill herself. My dear God, take care of them. How can I help them from here? I am worried about contagious diseases. April 12, 1915

Sunday. �e weather is changeable. We are all healthy. I got a le�er from home saying that my sister Juca is doing well. Jova’s nephew Duško has also recovered. �is month Jova got a 1,200 dinar raise. It came at a good time now when the prices are so high. I bought an out�t for myself and a cloth suit for Jova. I ordered footwear for the children and myself. We already have all kinds of vegetables growing in our garden. Strawberries are in full bloom. I sent 100 dinars to my sister Bela. We aren’t ge�ing any news from the front line. �e Russians have again come to a halt somewhere up in the Carpathians. Mirko is beginning to walk. We all got vaccinated, including him. April 26, 1915

Rain. Jova’s nephew Duško is going to the command tomorrow. Over the last two and a half months he spent with us he was sick a lot, but he has now recovered. When he was sent home to recover, the command gave him 55 dinars. I asked him if he still has them, because he didn’t have to spend any money when he was staying with us. He said he still had 30 dinars. I wonder what he spent it on, since he quit smoking, but it seems that he began smoking again a few days ago. I will give him money when he leaves, but he should learn to save money, not waste it. 204

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I broke off my friendship with Olga. I couldn’t believe she could be so awful. Her sister-in-law, Lepa, has lost her only child, and she has quarreled with her. Second Pentecost Day

Tomorrow evening Jova and I will go to Leskovac because of my teeth. I don’t know what I will do with the children. �ere are rumors that Italy launched an operation against Austria.5 We wanted to send our oldest son, Dragan, south to Kumanovo with Bela to �nish his �rst grade of grammar school, but we changed our mind. We couldn’t send the child so far away in time of war. June 7, 1915

Li�le Mirko has had a fever since this morning and hasn’t eaten anything. I gave him a bath and a�er that he vomited a lot. At noon the doctor came. He still doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. Mirko learned to walk this month. �e end of war is not in sight, and we don’t know what’s going on. It seems that the Russians have been routed.6 June 14, 1915

Sunday. Our sweet baby had a high fever from Sunday until �ursday, above 39º C7 the whole time. A�er that his fever dropped; he didn’t have it yesterday or today. He is still very ill and worn out, but his eyes are brighter. I cried a lot when he was ill. I really thought he was going to die. June 21, 1915

I am shocked by the terrible reality. My pain cannot end, my wound cannot heal. I have to live to ease the suffering of Mirko, my sweetest child. Only the desperate heart of a mother knows how I feel.

5

6

7

In May 1915, Italy was �nally persuaded to enter the war on the Allied side according to the Treaty of London. �e terms of this treaty, which would be only be made public when the Bolsheviks took power in Russia two years later, promised Italy substantial territorial gains from the Habsburg regime. �ese gains would later be the source of considerable controversy and con�ict, since the majority populations within those territories were non-Italian. Natalija’s information here is entirely accurate. �e German offensive against Russia had begun on April 15 (according to the old Julian calendar) and in very short order sent the Russian army—short of supplies and munitions—into retreat. 102.2º F.

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June 28, 1915

God has punished me. Jova is traveling around the county on business. He’ll come back by the evening. My sister Juca came. She doesn’t look well a�er recovering from typhus. I won’t let her leave before she recovers fully. We bathe and rub Mirko twice every day, and they are also treating him with electricity. He moves his le� leg a li�le bit, and is otherwise cheerful and cha�y, but he doesn’t sleep well at night. July 22, 1915

Juca is still here because of our li�le Mirko. He has lost a lot of weight. We still bathe him in the water from the spa. A Czech prisoner-of-war massages him and treats him with electricity. I will also try alternative medicine. Hopefully, God will help. August 12, 1915

Everything is terribly expensive and days are difficult for everyone. �is evening I saw Jova off to Leskovac and Juca home. Juca helped me a lot, especially with Mirko. I would have liked her to stay longer, but she needs to hurry home because of Bela. I can’t wait for her to get back and tell me how Bela is doing. It’s been four days since we’ve been treating Mirko according to the instructions of a Russian doctor. We bathe him twice a day, and tomorrow another doctor will start treating him with a different voltage and a bigger machine. �e one we bought before, we returned to the drugstore at half price. Mirko has recovered. He is cheerful and progressing well, only his legs are still limp. �is doctor says he doesn’t have paralysis but rickets.8 �ere isn’t any news from the front line, but the Germans are winning over the Russians. All the fortresses in front of St. Petersburg have fallen, and who knows what will happen next. �e Four-Partite Agreement requires too many sacri�ces on our part—for instance, the handover of Macedonia to Bulgaria.9 8

9

Rickets is a so�ening disease of the bones in children, most o�en due to a lack of Vitamin D or calcium. In fact, however, although Natalija never says so directly, it seems clear that what Mirko suffered from was not rickets but polio. Polio—or more accurately, poliomyelitis—is an infectious disease caused by a virus, which results in muscle weakness and in rare cases paralysis. In most cases, however, the paralysis is temporary, lasting only three to six months; 50 percent of victims recover fully and 40 percent partially. Any paralysis remaining a�er a year is likely to be permanent. �e agreement was intended to persuade Bulgaria to join the war on the Allied side. According to its terms, however, Serbia would have had to agree to turn over to Bulgaria much of Macedonia, which was a price the Serbs were not willing to pay.

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Yesterday my old friend Olga came to visit, which really took me by surprise, and she wanted to quarrel again. I am under the impression she only came to show off her new dress. If she knew me a li�le be�er, she would know that the rags under which one hides have no value for me. August 23, 1915

�esituationisn’tgood.AfewdaysagotheBelgradeMinistryofWarle�Vranje, along with a large number of refugees. A�er that panic spread in the town. Jova has been traveling all over the county recently, pu�ing concrete on the bridges across the Morava River. �e job is hard on him because he leaves at night and returns at night. I enrolled Danko and Nenad in a private school, but they say the grammar school will soon open. �at would be good for the oldest two, Mila and Dragan. Mirko is stru�ing but he can’t stand on his feet yet. He eats well. I bathe him in sea salt and walnut leaves. A few days ago we bought a wild boar of 25 kilos to fa�en up a li�le bit. Our cow’s milk is of excellent quality. Dragan’s hen had chickens again. We now have a zoo at home, but everything is so expensive that this is the only way to save money. September 21, 1915

I saw Jova off to �nish the iron bridge. �e military authorities are urging him on because they need the bridge for the army; because of the Bulgarians, large portions of the army are now concentrating on Mount Vlasina.10 A few days ago we said good-bye to the last refugees. I took a walk through the yard. �e cow had been taken to be milked and its calf was quiet in its pen. Our boar was squeaking in hunger. Rooster Pera and his hen Belka are walking around the yard; he is desperate because we have slaughtered all the other hens. Two days ago I bought two more hens, and in the stables we have a se�ing hen and ten chicks. �e pigeons have no idea I will catch some of them tomorrow and make a stew for Jova. �e town is waking up. It’s overcast and there’s been a change of the moon, I’m certain rain will come a�er all these nice days. October 2, 1915

We are leaving Vranje to escape the �ghting and heading north to Prokuplje, so help us God. �e children are still sleeping in their clothes on the straw without

10

Mount Vlasina lies approximately 30 km east of Vranje, almost on the Bulgarian border.

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any pillows or covers, because we have packed all the light things except the beds to take them with us in the luggage compartment. Yesterday we heard artillery �re from the three-border point. We le� so many things behind in Vranje. In the a�ic: four drape frames, four garden chairs, a record player, 30 kilos of onions, pictures, four vases, �ve bowls, pots and pans and baking sheets, a stove. In the kitchen: a large oven, two kitchen tables and four chairs, two washtubs, a cu�ing board, two rolling pins, dishes, and two buckets of lard. We buried the following items: a cauldron, copper, a mortar, a ke�le, potatoes, a bucket of petroleum, two meat boards, and a set of knives. We le� behind four cords of �rewood stripped of its bark, three cartloads of raw lumber, two cartloads of pumpkins, one cartload of a�er-grass, a cow, a calf, a wild boar, a rooster, four hens, a se�ing hen and ten chickens, and in the larder about 200 kilos of �our, 40 bo�les of tomato sauce, pickles, corn, bran, three sieves, a table, and seven trunks. In the bedroom we le� behind the following items: two beds, Jova’s winter coat, Jova’s bed with a straw mat, a new, light-blue ma�ress, a blanket, pillows and covers, an armchair, curtains, all of Jova’s underwear and towels, a children’s bed, curtains, a sink, a toilet, and lots of li�le things. �e following items also remained at the house: two marble nightstands with about 200 German marks in the drawer, a round walnut table, four white embroidered pillows, four ma�e and four lacquered chairs, three sofas, my grandfather’s photograph in a handmade frame, a bucket of sugar, an iron sofa, St. Elijah’s icon, a hanging light for the icon, door curtains, two large chiffoniers full of underwear and socks, and jars of canned fruit and preserves. We also le� behind all the hats—mine, Jova’s and the children’s, a glass-covered bookcase full of books, a dining table, sets of dishes, pictures, and God knows what else—also children’s toys. We are joining the ranks of the refugees now.

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Introduction

Chapter 7.

Refugees October 1915 to January1916 Prokuplje

Background

I

n October 1915, as this next phase of the war began for Natalija and her family, much of the rest of Europe had se�led into the stalemate that characterized the First World War in the European theater. �e Germans, a�er a�acking the Russians in the fall of 1914, marched west through Belgium to France, where they were stopped at the Marne Line; both sides then dug in for what was to be three years of trench warfare. �e Eastern front ran from the Baltic to the Black Sea. It also had lines of trenches, to which the Russians had retreated in September 1914, but this region was spared full-�edged trench warfare because of its vast eastern plains and limited railway system. A�er entering the war in December 1914, the O�omans ba�led the Allied Forces at Gallipoli and ultimately drove them back to the sea. During the long months of the spring of 1915, both sides concentrated on persuading the various uncommi�ed powers in Europe to support their cause. A�er the O�omans were persuaded to enter the war on the side of the Central Powers, in April 1915, the Italians were convinced to join the Entente Powers with promises of future compensations from Austrian and Albanian territory. As Serbs watched anxiously, the Bulgarian government contemplated its relative gain. �e Entente Powers, ostensibly �ghting the war in defense of Serbia, could offer Bulgaria li�le, especially since the Serbs refused to relinquish their gains in Macedonia. It cost the Central Powers nothing, however, to promise Bulgaria territorial gains in Macedonia, Greece, and Romania, and, in August 1915, Bulgaria entered the war on the side of the Central Powers. In October 1915, Serbia was hit with a combined German–Austrian–Bulgarian offensive. Natalija describes the terrifying �ghting that sent civilians �eeing 209

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from German and Bulgarian troops and the horrifying suffering of the wounded as they poured into Vranje and other towns. Belgrade fell in October, and the Bulgarians captured Niš and Skopje. Faced with the overwhelming power of this assault, and yet unwilling to capitulate, the Serbian government and army decided to retreat through Albania to the Adriatic coast, where they would meet up with the Allies. In December 1915, King Peter, Prime Minister Pašić, members of the government and National Assembly, the army, and numerous other refugees began the long trek across the Albanian Alps. Beset by cold weather, disease, hunger, and the hostility of the local Albanian population, only half of them �nally reached their goal. All in all, more than 120,000 died or were captured before the survivors were evacuated from the Adriatic to the Greek island of Corfu. For those who remained in occupied Serbia like Natalija and her family the conditions of life became increasingly difficult and uncertain. During the next three years of war, Serbia suffered under the repressive military regimes of Austria-Hungary and Bulgaria. Vranje, where Natalija and her family lived, was under the control of Bulgarian forces, which occupied Macedonia and southern Serbia. Natalija’s sisters and father in Arandjelovac were under Austrian authority. Austria’s treatment of its northern areas was harsh, as the military authorities called for the destruction or banishment of all Serbian officials, professions, and clergy. Approximately 40,000 people were deported to Austria-Hungary and another roughly 10,000 con�ned to prison camps. Belgrade shrank from 90,000 to 15,000 between 1914 and early 1916. No wonder Natalija worried constantly about her sisters and father, with whom communication became increasingly difficult. Yet the conditions of the Bulgarian occupation under which Natalija and her family found themselves were hardly be�er. �e Bulgarian occupation in the south was intended to secure the territory for the postwar Bulgarian state. Bulgarian military officers from So�a took control of local administration and requisitioned whatever their troops needed from the local population. �e use of the Bulgarian rather than Serbian language was enforced; Bulgarian Orthodox priests replaced Serbian priests; and teachers who refused to cooperate were removed from the classroom. Food shortages increased as supplies for the Bulgarian and German troops were taken from the local population. All of this made life for Natalija and her family extremely difficult. �ey struggled not only to cope with the physical deprivation and trying conditions of wartime life, but also to resist in any way they could the indignity of occupation and the assault on their �ercely held Serbian identity. 210

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October 6, 1915

We have been here in Prokuplje for three days already. On October 2 we packed and waited until two o’clock in the a�ernoon for the cart to pick up our belongings in Vranje. It �nally arrived, and at the same time we saw �ashes and heard artillery �re from the three-border point. Panic spread throughout the town. Jova le� with our belongings. Around midnight we went to the station, where we waited until �ve in the morning, when we got on the train to Brestovac. �ere we rested at the house of the station chief and then hired a cart and a carriage to Prokuplje. We arrived around �ve o’clock in the evening and checked into the hotel. We spent two nights there and yesterday moved into this old house, which has a number of disadvantages and problems. Its only bene�t is that it’s right in the center, on the main square, so the children can see everything from the window. I am going to see Jova off. He is going to check on things in Vranje and see what happened to our house. It’s pouring rain. �e children are unruly. �ey are worried about the new circumstances and want to know everything. Everyone is �eeing. People have le� their homes but nobody knows where they’re going. All the prisoners-of-war are also passing through. �ey say that Vranje has been taken and still hasn’t been liberated by our troops. I can’t wait for Jova to return. I wonder what happened to our house, cow, wild boar, and chickens? October 7, 1915

Last night we went to bed as soon as it got dark. We didn’t know what time it was. Today I had Danko’s watch repaired. On the street one can hear the new recruits singing. �e poor boys are gathering courage. It’s noisy on the streets. Under the window, we hear a command: “Unhitch.” I am relieved. When we went to have dinner I saw about 50 hired carts being unhitched right in front of our house. We asked what it was, and they said: “Ammunition.” I wondered whether we should spend the night next to such large quantities of ammunition with about 10,000 prisoners here in town. Where are all the poor people and the weary ca�le going to go now? Noise, people calling each other, cursing, shouting; in the end they le� for the south. �e night is cold, the wind is blowing, and people are sleeping outside. �ere are rumors that Vranje has been liberated. I haven’t seen so much commotion in Vranje even during the past wars. I am worried about when Jova will come back and how. 211

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October 9, 1915

Today I met with other people from Vranje. �ey say that both Italy and Russia have declared war against the Bulgarians. Perhaps that will help. �ese are difficult times for our poor country. Last year at this time we had the same kind of problems. I don’t know how my family is doing up north. October 16, 1915

Friday. Jova has been at home for a week now. He came back on Saturday and is now lying on the bed with Mirko, resting. �e children are playing soldiers. Yesterday, Ana, the maid, and I washed 15 days of laundry in a trough, just like the poor people wash theirs. I rinsed and hung it up today. October 17, 1915

Saturday. It’s been raining since noon, and the people are desperate. Niš is being evacuated. Everybody is running around like crazy, unable to �nd peace anywhere. Two Serbian aircra� �ew by yesterday. I saw a major with the reserve forces from Niš. He had sent his family to safety. He says his son told him, “Daddy, we’ll never see each other again.” What did the wretched Allies do to us Serbs? Pašić and his men should be torn to pieces. �ey have all sent their children abroad and will go there themselves at the last moment, leaving the poor people in the lurch.1 October 23, 1915

Friday. We are �nally se�led at my aunt’s house. �is isn’t the right time to talk about how comfortable we are, nor do we care about that. �e main thing is we have a roof over our heads. My aunt is very nice and hospitable. Not a day goes by without her welcoming, feeding, or seeing off one or two refugees. October 27, 1915

Crowds of people everywhere, all kinds of �eld trains passing through. Last night an officer friend of ours knocked on our window and said good-bye. He is keeping his spirits up and is very excited—I wonder why an officer feels this way, whereas I can’t watch the poverty and misfortune all around. Our soldiers 1

In fact, the government was preparing to retreat over the mountains through occupied territory to the south to meet up with Allied forces on the Adriatic. �e Great Retreat began in December 1915. Pašić and his government spent the rest of the war on the Greek island of Corfu.

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are singing despite all the troubles. �ey are making jokes, playing, and dancing. I don’t know what keeps the spirits of the Serbian people high, even when they’re in trouble. Another soldier says Arandjelovac is in the hands of Austrians and Germans, that the people are still living there and that the Germans are treating them well. I hope the Bulgarians will do the same. We cannot go further with �ve small children, and winter and cold weather are around the corner. I can hear artillery �re in the distance. October 29, 1915

Wednesday. Prokuplje is being evacuated. We will stay because we have nowhere to go. Yesterday an infantry officer stopped by my aunt’s house with his wife and another woman who curls her hair, powders her face, and smokes as if she is going to a wedding reception. �e officer tried to convince us there is no reason to be afraid, the Germans will treat us nicely, and the situation isn’t even dangerous yet. I laughed and said, “I see, as long as the ladies in your escort carry powder and curling irons.” �ose women should be ashamed, the Serbian soldiers are carrying their things instead of bread and ammunition, and they made themselves up as if they were actresses. �e wounded are arriving; there are terrible scenes on the street because the hospital is across the road. �eir wounds are undressed and they are hungry, dirty, and destitute—horrible in a word. In early evening they carried the wounded inside the hospital building and are now dressing their wounds. Our maid, Ana, took them some water. Nobody had given them anything to drink in two days. October 31, 1915

�e sky is bursting with artillery �re, and the hills are shaking. �e windows on the house have cracked. All morning the Gypsies and other poor people have been running around looting. �ey have taken paprika from the mosque, and office desks from the post office. An officer ran outside, cursing and beating anyone he could get his hands on. He chased soldiers off the streets who had stopped to ask for bread. �ey have le� the wounded outside the hospital hungry and thirsty and there is no one to take them inside. A short while ago they brought out �ve dead. I don’t dare go outside to give them water because of the shooting. November 1, 1915

Sunday. Bulgarian cavalry entered the town last night. �e Serbs have handed over the town. �en the Germans arrived. We haven’t slept all night; I peeked 213

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through the curtains and saw patrols crossing the street from time to time. Otherwise there is dead silence everywhere. �e children are quiet. Even they are aware of the seriousness of the situation. Around noon we heard artillery �re. �e Germans entered the town and their army marched through by noon. �ey went off a�er our army. I am choking with tears listening to their soldiers singing. When I opened the window, a Bulgarian guard walked up and told us not to be afraid, but to keep going about our business. He asked me if those were my children and said, “May they be alive and healthy. �is is not good for you or us.” Now the drum announced that everybody should open their stores and keep normal working hours and that any further looting and robbery is prohibited. More artillery �re. A soldier came to ask if I would boil him a few potatoes. When he got ready to leave he offered some to us and to the children. I saw them chasing a company of our soldiers under the window. Mounted soldiers—hussars—also went by carrying spears. I saw the Turkish soldiers in Constantinople carrying the same kind of spears during the arrival of the sultan at the mosque for prayer services. �ey have strong, well-equipped, cargo-carrying horses in the �eld train and beautiful mules pulling mountain cannons. None of their soldiers are dressed in rags, but they are all covered in mud. �e infantry carries walking sticks alongside their equipment, so they look like hunters. Ana and I have to go get water. �ere aren’t any wells in Prokuplje. �ere is no drinking water in town; the water fountains give murky water. �ere is a source of salty water near the Toplica River. We bring it home to use, it’s not that far. �e sources of potable water are far away. �ere have been a lot of dead people at the school since yesterday. �ere is nobody around to bury them. Early in the evening we fed the children and retreated inside the house. Jova took Dragan to the toilet and looked into the schoolyard. It was light as day because of the moonlight, and Jova saw �ve ruffians storm the basement underneath the room where the dead are. When they realized there was nothing there, they entered the yard, and we heard screams and cries for help from the house next to us. We heard screams, banging, and tearing and lots of noise. Some officers, most likely on patrol, came and told women next door to “sleep peacefully” because this wouldn’t happen again. �ey also seem to have le� a soldier to keep watch, but the noise, ruckus, and yelling on the street continued. Mila got a headache from fear and I got heart palpitations and thought I’d go crazy. 214

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A�er lunch today I went with Ana and the children to the water fountain near the river to get water. I saw they had already put up a bridge, which the Bulgarian infantry was crossing. As they were marching across the bridge, a band on the riverbank played music for them. I began to cry. �is evening more shouts and cries for help. �is is the fourth time someone has assaulted these poor women. A German came by and when he saw the kind of things they were doing he shouted, “You damn thugs,” and chased them away. November 3, 1915

Tuesday. �e night from Sunday to Monday was terrible. �ey broke into our basement and stole all of our fruit preserves. Ana and I went to the command to get a permit to go to Belgrade to see about her poor dead child, and we told them about the preserves. Two decent Bulgarians came. November 4, 1915

A group of women went to see Krajcer. He protects this entire area. He protected the wife of a major from being raped by Bulgarian soldiers. A young German came to sleep in our kitchen. He is waiting for a �eld train and hopes it gets stuck on the way because he doesn’t want to move on. He is warm and has a full stomach here. �e Germans are retreating. Our forces are in disarray. �e children are asleep, but Jova and I haven’t taken our clothes off for the ��h night in a row. November 6, 1915

Friday. �e night was peaceful. Only a member of the supply unit knocked on our window. He managed to supply bread for us. For two days now we have been hearing the guns and heavy artillery �re. Twelve Serbian prisoners have been led through the town. �ey are all soldiers, not a single officer among them. �ey seem to have surrendered. Some of them sing when they get home. New soldiers are arriving, but everything looks awful, covered in mud. We found an old man to bring us water. November 7, 1915

�e night was peaceful, but something is in the air. An entire division is going back, accompanied by singing and music. �ey say they are going to help Romania. We think it’s unusual for all these soldiers to be going back. �e army has moved into the schoolyard. Tonight there will certainly be looting. �is evening a soldier came to look for housing for a German officer, but when he saw us and the house 215

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full of children he le�. Another soldier came a�er that but he also le�. We won’t get any sleep tonight, I can see that, but that’s �ne. I cried when I listened to their music, and now I’m laughing because they’re leaving. We heard the drum: Everybody must go to church tomorrow. November 9, 1915

�ey have rounded up most of the men between 17 and 50 and detained them. We are ge�ing different kinds of news. �ere is no army in the town, and the women are crying for the men who have been taken away. November 12, 1915

�is evening both Mirko and Mila got a fever. Jova hovers around them and looks depressed. He has changed; he looks worn out and has gray hair. He keeps thinking about what we will do and where we will go. �ere are seven of us staying in this one room. In the morning we open the windows and clean a li�le bit, and then shut the window to prevent anyone from entering. �ey are cleaning the post office. Will I soon be able to contact my family? �e store next to us is now a chapel where the Bulgarian priest sings prayer songs for the soldiers. �ere was bread to buy in town today. Village women have begun bringing a few things to the market. �e children are playing school, and Dragan is the teacher. November 13, 1915

Mirko is feeling bad, so we stayed up all night. Mila is also sick and Dragan threw up. Danko is throwing up today as well. �e four of them are lying in that li�le room without the necessary comfort or air. �e Bulgarians are leaving tomorrow and they are taking some men with them as hostages. May I only be able to keep Jova here with me. November 15, 1915

Sunday. Two days passed quietly and last night as well. �e children are feeling be�er. Today I bought three kilos of corn �our at 0.7 dinars a kilo, three eggs at 0.2 dinars a piece, and a kilo of salt for 1 dinar. A German soldier was also there so we talked. He is a bandleader and was born in Stu�gart. He says the Serbs have preserved the villages and towns and only destroyed the bridges and roads, unlike the French. He is sorry to see devastation and looting around town. He says he saw when they took a cow and a calf from a mother and her children in Kruševac, and 216

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that she and the children cursed the soldiers. He is also sorry America is providing ammunition; otherwise the war would have been over. When I went to the water fountain I heard a story of a woman who had four new quilts stolen—two were set on �re, and two were taken away. Today I saw a soldier on a horse with a quilt under the saddle. Supply officers are stuffing carts full of everything they can �nd in the houses; they even took an Irish stove from one house. �e Germans are doing all this looting. �e German papers are saying that the massive ba�les of the European War will end in the Balkans. I am not le�ing Jova leave the house so that they won’t catch him on the street and detain him. I need to get all the food and water myself. He sits at home with the children and mostly plays with Mirko, who adores him. November 17, 1915

We ran out of �rewood, so I went to look for it early in the morning in the cold and the frost. I found it at an old man’s place on the river below our house. �ere were about �ve cartloads in one pile, and he sold it to me for 50 dinars, plus �ve for delivery, but we also spent the whole day carrying it home. I am surprised by how much energy I still have le�. �is morning I only had coffee, no food, and I’ve been carrying �rewood—logs 3 meters long—all morning. We hurried to get it out of the way quickly so that nobody would steal it from us. We carried it inside the yard, scrubbed it, and put it away in the basement. Today a large number of their troops le� in a long column for Leskovac to the north. Germans, Austrians, and Bulgarians are all staying here in town. Some are going to Niš, others returning from Niš, yet others have come from Priština while some are going to Leskovac. Two officers came to look at the house. When they saw me with a bandage on my head and my children in bed they le� straightaway. November 18, 1915

Wednesday. We were up all night. Morning came and a large number of soldiers from all branches le� for Leskovac, also two infantry regiments. �e cavalry was leaving all night, followed by the �eld trains, Howitzers, and mountain guns. A�er that, the �eld hospitals and German and Austrian troops moved out. We are hearing all kinds of news in town. �e soldiers who were staying at the houses in town said they had to go to Leskovac quickly to help the Bulgarians. �is morning they even took away Bulgarian soldiers from the hospital. Today the village women brought eggs to the market, and there was also �our and potatoes, so I bought a li�le bit of everything. I also bought a chicken. 217

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Mirko has perked up a li�le, because I bought some milk from an old farmer woman above the hospital. �ey give me a liter every day. Yesterday I held the calf while the woman was milking the cow, but the ca�le have nothing to eat. �e soldiers have taken everything away. It seems that order has been restored in town. We no longer hear the wooden fences being cut down for �rewood. Jova’s legs hurt. He has become weaker and worries a lot. He is sorry he didn’t leave with the army. I am sure he is regre�ing it. I think Mirko is the only reason he stayed. Otherwise he would have found a way to locate his engineer’s ba�alion, but he doesn’t say anything about that. He’s only in a bad mood and worn out. He looks like an old man. I can see he is having a hard time, so I don’t ask him anything. We have both been affected a great deal by this misfortune, but I am still struggling to get everything we need. I circulate among the people and talk to them, so that keeps me going. Jova sits at home and ponders and worries about things. I think that’s what makes it even more difficult. November 23, 1915

Monday. I have been washing the laundry all day. Ana and I went to church yesterday and saw an emaciated, lame horse wandering around the churchyard. Everything in the church and the house has been turned upside down. �en the Bulgarian priest arrived and opened the church. We went in and lit a candle. Last night the Bulgarians who have been keeping watch in front of the hospital stole part of our wooden fence to light a �re, which burnt all night. We repaired it today, but who knows if the same thing will happen tonight, even though the drum announced that it is prohibited to take wood from other people’s yards and that those caught in the act will be shot. But that doesn’t apply to the soldiers. Yesterday the drum announced that all weapons should be brought to the municipality building. Today an aircra� �ew over the town high in the sky. Jova is reading the Strasbourg newspaper to me. Our young German has returned. I have to ask him tomorrow to �nd a later edition of the newspaper for us. Today the villagers have been saying that cannons can be heard in the hills. November 28, 1915

We had Bulgarian guardsmen staying at our house for three days. �eir commander stayed in our room and was very decent. He didn’t want to take anything from us, whereas all the houses around us have been ransacked.

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November 30, 1915

�eir �eld hospital is gone. �is morning we moved to a new apartment. We are now staying close to our aunt again. �e landlady is in the yard with her two daughters (14 and 12) and two sons (7 and 5). It is quiet here, and it feels unusual a�er all that noise. An Austrian division came across the bridge. �ey said two officers will come to spend the night at our place. Hopefully they won’t throw the sick children out of their rooms. What are my sisters doing now, and how are Jova’s brother, Luka, his nephew, Duško, and everybody else? December 3, 1915

�ursday. Cloudy. �e Austrian army is still passing through. �e soldiers, covered in snow, are all Serbs—from Dalmatia, Hercegovina, and Bosnia, even Hungary.2 �ey announced with the drums that we should not talk to the soldiers, that there are infectious diseases in the villages, and that the people from there shouldn’t come to town and we shouldn’t go there. I don’t know what we are going to eat. It’s also prohibited to go to Niš for three days. I keep losing weight and my breast hurts. December 7, 1915

Jova speaks �uent German. Everybody he talks to reacts to it with surprise. �ey say you can’t tell he’s a foreigner, so they start talking and we learn a lot about what’s going on from them in this way. It’s no longer possible to buy eggs anywhere. One can buy meat, vegetables, and potatoes. December 11, 1915

I am lying in bed thinking. Our apartment is next to the river and I can see �elds across the river where the Austrians have set up their �eld bakeries. Most of the supply carts are also there, and most supply officers speak Serbian. �ey don’t harass anyone. Here, on our side, there are some who have brought horses into the stables. �ey make a �re and sing Serbian songs—all of them are Bosnians. What kind of misfortune has happened to us when our Serbs, now serfs in another army, have to �ght on the side of the enemy against their brothers? Will there ever be a day when all the Serbs are together? If we already have to �ght, let us all �ght together 2

Serbs made up approximately 20 to 25 percent of the Austro-Hungarian troops that invaded Serbia in 1914.

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against our enemies and oppressors. But regardless of the fact that we have never enslaved other nations, large numbers of Serbs have always been oppressed and now we even have to �ght our own people. I believe that situation doesn’t exist anywhere else in the world. On the other side of the river they began �ring ri�es and lighting �recrackers. �ey are celebrating the Catholic Christmas Eve. I can hear noise on the street. We ran outside to the gate and saw that the people from a nearby village had brought the ammunition that the army had le� behind. Jova is reading �e Li�le Newspaper from Zagreb dated November 25. �ere is some news about the Russian army having gone to the south of Bessarabia through Romania. If only the Balkan states had created some kind of community together, we wouldn’t all be afraid of Germany now. It is unfair that the Bulgarians a�acked us despite the fact that they are also Slavs. It seems to me somebody was smart enough to make use of the sayings “divide and conquer” and “the train will be long gone before the Vlahs remember to do something about it.”3 �ere are some among the Bulgarian conscripts of the third call-up who are asking for food and drink and even a few dinars, but at least they ask and don’t steal. My aunt had 300 liters of wine taken away from her, supposedly for the commander. At one point I advised her to sell the wine to our army when they asked for it, but she didn’t want to. I then told her to give it to our wounded soldiers at the hospital, there were some 200 of them, but she didn’t do that either. Now that they’ve taken it away from her by force she complains, whereas it’s a well-known fact that armies do take things away from their people. �e Germans did terrible things. A peasant woman told me the following: “I don’t care about the things they took away from us, but they opened up the barn and dragged out all the grain for their horses, which walked over and destroyed more than they actually ate. �e Germans did the same in all the places they went through.” When this war is over, I don’t think there will be anyone who will be able to explain why all these people were killed or maimed, why all these families, women, and children lost their husbands and fathers. December 12, 1915

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. I have nothing to give to the children. �is morning I went to the municipality building and in front of the door I saw a horse dying. 3

Local expression with the same approximate meaning as, “�ere’s no point in closing the barn doors a�er the horses are out.”

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�ey say that many horses have died because they gave them too much grain to eat. I went into a room and saw the entire municipal board gathered there. I asked whether the refugees also have to do unpaid labor. �ey said everyone who can possibly come should come. I took out my purse, and told them to take �ve dinars instead of two days of unpaid labor, because I need salt. I asked for change. �ey said they will be collecting contributions for the poor according to the list and that I can give money at that point. I told them to take it now but should my poor �ve children ever be without bread to remember them as well. �ey told me to leave and that a policeman would bring the receipt later. I met an acquaintance, and he told me I shouldn’t have given them anything because all kinds of bad things are going on at the municipality. �ey are collecting money to buy off their sons from the army, not to give to the poor.4 �e Jews are selling salt and sugar and don’t pay for unpaid labor. I will check on all this information. December 20, 1915, Father’s Day

Sunday. �is morning I went to the town with Dragan and bought some things at the store to give to the children as Christmas presents, just for good luck. I also got the Bulgarian newspaper. When I returned home, I saw that the landlady had prepared the �ag to put out. I’ve spent the time since then in bed, because I felt feverish. Later I went out again, since I try to get everything we need for the house so that Jova doesn’t have to go out. �at might be dangerous for him, because the Germans might arrest him as a deserter. December 21, 1915

Today they shot four men in the square near the water fountain. �e drum announced it. �ey were four men from a village where men supposedly would dress in German and Bulgarian uniforms and loot the villages at night. I didn’t go to watch the execution. �e landlady’s son says two of them were 18 years old, the third one was older, and the fourth one was a Gypsy 30 years of age. People are saying the ones who got killed were spies and that the looting was only an excuse. I don’t believe it. �is is war, and there hasn’t been a trial. Two women also said today that, in addition to the soldiers who take everything they need in the villages, local men dressed in uniforms also come and search their houses looking for money. People are saying all kinds of things. My optimism is now completely gone, but I still have faith in God and hope we’ll be saved in some way. An old 4

Instead of serving, conscripts or their families could pay a fee to become exempt from service.

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woman at the market asked me, “My dear daughter, how long is all this going to last—hopefully not forever?” I laughed despite all the troubles. Is she still interested in eternity? I scoured the town and the suburbs like a starved and fearless female wolf looking for food for its young. Along the way I met all kinds of people. I see there is some good and some bad in every human being. I talked to the Germans, the Bulgarians, the Serbs, the Hungarians, the Czechs, the Croats, and it seems there are good and bad people among all of them. I even met a Russian from Irkutsk. He is an Asian and doesn’t want to be called Russian. He was captured six months ago in Galicia. �ey all long for their homeland, families, children, the country, their acre and pickaxe, regardless of whether they are slaves or winners. Sometimes it seems that I can forget my own misfortune when I listen to other people’s troubles. I know Jova is having a much harder time. He has more time to think and worry about things and is therefore very depressed. I know I have to keep going, even if that means running away from reality. I try to trust in God and hope that something will happen to help us, help our unfortunate son, and preserve the lives of all our children during this misfortune. I know I have to believe this in order to do everything I can alone. I sometimes feel I am running away from home in order not to see what’s going on there, because if I see sadness and misfortune elsewhere, I return home and keep on �ghting to do as much as I can. A trumpet can be heard from the Bulgarian headquarters. �e children are already asleep. �ey cheer us up, but worry about their future is killing us. We’ve had some happy times but what does the future hold in store for them? I feel a li�le bit be�er, but I keep thinking of our sick Mirko whom we can’t help now. Time is �eeing and who knows what will happen to him? I love all the children so much, all six of them lying around me. Where are my sweet sisters now and my father, Jova’s brother Luka, and nephew Duško, and all the rest? December 23, 1915

I changed the children’s clothes and put them to bed. Jova is reading something, and I sat down to write a li�le bit more. Christmas is around the corner. �e children are happy. �ey don’t know things are now different from before. I made them a cake and bought some apples for Christmas Eve. We won’t have a roast this year. At four o’clock today another young man was executed at the market. I heard he had killed a man and his wife. May God forgive him if that’s true. People have 222

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stopped talking to each other. Nobody asks anymore what’s new. �ey hurry to get their work done and then rush home. We have no news from anyone. December 27, 1915, Third Day of Christmas

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day have passed without much joy. Eventually we had a roast on Christmas Eve. A Montenegrin woman brought it from across the river for 8 coins a kilo. �at’s a lot, but we wanted the children to have at least a li�le bit of joy. Who knows when we’ll be able to afford it again. We didn’t roast the whole piglet, only a half. We’ll cure the other half. We also boiled some sauerkraut, so the house smelled as if we were making sarma.5 So Christmas wasn’t entirely without food but it was sad. On Christmas Day I went to see several friends. �e weather was like spring and this morning it began to rain. �ere is snow on the hills. �ey say that the commander allowed a kolo to be danced at the marketplace yesterday. We didn’t see it because we didn’t leave the house all day. Mirko keeps talking. He adores Jova and refuses to go anywhere without him. �ey now spend all day together because Jova doesn’t leave the house. Jova has dedicated himself completely to Mirko, but I can see he is unhappy and worried. I don’t have the patience to teach the children anything, so they don’t do anything. �ey read and write alone, but that’s all very li�le in comparison to what they should be doing. �ere is rumor they are going to shoot a priest. January 9, 1916

I was busy doing the laundry yesterday and today. I rinsed it, hung it up to dry, and ironed it, so I didn’t leave the house for two days. Yesterday my friends Stojna and Staka came from Montenegro. Stojna says the Germans killed her pregnant sister-in-law the �rst night when they entered the town. As she was dying, the baby inside her was squirming. All the priests have been taken away from here. Internments have begun. January 14, 1916, St. Sava’s Day

Life is hard, the days are difficult, and we are tortured by uncertainty. We heard that all the refugees have to return to their houses. Nobody yet knows when and how. Jova’s legs hurt. I don’t know whether he will be able to go on a trip. We’ll 5

Sarma is a traditional Christmas meal made of pickled cabbage leaves stuffed with ground meat.

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de�nitely have to carry Mirko, but what are we going to do with the things we managed to bring over here? We’ve just managed to se�le down a bit and we have to go again. Where are we going to take these li�le ones of ours? Jova reported to the command following a general call-up and from now on he has to report every day. �ey are most certainly planning to intern him. At least we’ve spent the last three months together. January 16, 1916

�e drum announced that all refugees have to return to their houses by February 1. �e women on the street are protesting. �ere is commotion everywhere. �e people are demanding an explanation from the military command. �e commander was kind, whereas the head of the municipality acted in an arrogant way, so the people say. I took Mirko to the pharmacy to be examined by an Austrian doctor. He smashed my hopes for the child’s recovery. He wrote that Mirko had to stay here until it gets warmer. He recommended a clinic. We are ge�ing ready to leave, and the rains have begun. January 19, 1916

I did laundry yesterday and today. We are ge�ing ready for the trip. With God’s help we will leave for Leskovac on Sunday, and from there to Vranje. We will hire three carts. �e commissar promised to give us the �eld train’s carts, and naturally we will return them a�erwards. Tomorrow we will sort out the travel permits and grind the wheat to take with us. �ere is rumor that Constantinople has fallen, but I don’t believe it. We don’t know what is going on in the world. We have to go like all the other refugees. I don’t know what to do with our maid, Ana. She should report to the Austrian commander. Perhaps he will request that she go to Belgrade. I would like her to stay with us but I don’t know how much I am going to be able to pay her. I watched Jova’s eyes today. �ey remind me of his nephew Duško’s eyes, may he be alive and healthy. He won’t have a hard time if he is with his friends. I haven’t received any news from my family. I am worried about how the children will endure the trip. January 24, 1916

Sunday. We are leaving tomorrow. �e Bulgarians didn’t give us the carts designated for unpaid laborers. We waited all day and packed. We all sca�ered around town looking for carts but didn’t �nd anything, because all the carts were 224

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in Niš or being used for the transport of unpaid laborers. �e ones who stayed behind demanded 100 dinars for one cart. A�er lunch, Jova and I found and booked three carts for 150 dinars: two for us and one for another family. �e weather is wonderful, and the peasants say it will stay good until the end of this week. I felt sad and depressed walking behind Jova down the street, gazing at the picturesque �elds and hills. Despite the beautiful countryside, everything around us seemed dead. �e villages looked desolate, not a fence anywhere, only a few oxen and sheep here and there. Not even the dogs are barking. In the past, the village was full of people and ca�le at this time of the year, of song and the sound of �utes and double-�utes. Now it looks sad and abandoned. I remembered Šantić’s poem: “And our gloomy peasant only wants some brown bread.”6 We came home in the early evening to the soldiers singing at the command. I went to get a certi�cate that we aren’t infected with any diseases, so that we would be allowed on the train. People are telling us not to go to Vranje because things are terrible there. I am no longer afraid; I don’t feel anything and only wait.

6

�e Bosnian Serb poet Aleksa Šantić (1868–1924) wrote mostly love songs, but also poems about social injustice.

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Introduction

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Chapter 8.

Life Under Occupation 1916

Background

1916

was a year in which the full scope and horror of the Great War became apparent to all. �e stalemate in the trenches that had set in during the �rst months of war continued; the ba�les of the Somme and Verdun in France cost over one million casualties, but neither side was able to advance more than a few hundred yards. On the Eastern front, Russia had failed to make any headway in East Prussia and been pushed back out of Poland. A�er the “Great Retreat” the weakness of Russia’s industrial base and the ineffectiveness of Russian leadership became increasingly clear. As Russian casualties continued to mount, so did social and political discontent. Meanwhile, warfare raged in the European Powers’ colonial possessions in Africa, Asia, and the Paci�c. In the Balkans, the French had been working to restore life to the remnants of the Serbian army that had been rescued from the Adriatic coast. Finally, in 1916, 115,000 men of the restored Serbian army, along with its commander-inchief and regent, Prince Alexander, joined the Allied force at Salonika (known as the gardener troops, since up until that point they had been mostly si�ing around). On August 17, the Germans and Bulgarians launched an unsuccessful a�ack against these Serb and other Allied forces. In response, the Serbian army made steady advances throughout October and on into November, even as the weather turned very cold and snow fell on the hills. �e Germans sent two more divisions to help bolster the Bulgarian army. But in mid-November, French and Serbian forces were able to recapture a portion of Serbian territory that Bulgaria had occupied around Bitolj. �is event made Natalija deliriously happy, though her hopes for a quick end to the war soon faded. Despite the Romanian govern227

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ment’s decision to join the war on the side of the Entente Powers, the situation on the Macedonian front quickly se�led into the same stalemate as in the rest of Europe. In Jova’s homeland of Bosnia, for which so many Serbian soldiers had gone to war, the situation continued to deteriorate. �e Habsburg military governor there, Stefan Sarkotić, who was �ercely anti-Serb, instituted a harsh wartime regime. He immediately ordered the summary execution of any civilians in Bosnia and Austrian-occupied Serbia who aided or supported Serb guerilla �ghters, and he began to arrest and deport prominent Serbs, including many Orthodox priests. By mid-1917, the number of Serbs who had been forced from their homes and deported or interned in concentration camps approached 100,000. Meanwhile, Bosnian Muslims and Croats were recruited into a defense force that participated in the massacre and deportation of Serb villagers, a kind of ethnic cleansing that increased the already considerable tensions between Serbs and Muslims in this area. Desertions of Muslims, Croats, and especially Serbs from Habsburg forces swelled the ranks of Serb guerrilla �ghters. As the war dragged on, and the Bulgarian occupation became more entrenched in southern Serbia and Macedonia, the issue of collaboration became increasingly critical for Natalija. Her ba�les took place on a different front, against the demands of the occupation authorities and, as o�en as not, against Serbs she viewed as collaborators. Toward women willing to cooperate or socialize with the Bulgarian occupiers or allow their children to do so, she displayed nothing but the utmost contempt and hostility. She herself instilled and took pains to reinforce her children’s Serbian national consciousness at home and became increasingly unforgiving toward those who failed to do the same.

January 29, 1916

�e trip went smoothly and we arrived in Vranje alive and well. We le� Prokuplje around nine o’clock in the morning. We passed through a series of villages, all of which had been devastated. Jova went ahead, found a place for us to stay, and inquired about the trains. �e Bulgarians at the railway barrier didn’t ask us anything, only told us that an elderly man had passed through earlier (referring to Jova). It was already dark by then. We met Jova, who looked tired, who took us to a room next to the blacksmith shop. We slept on bundles, all 14 of us, and mice were jumping on us. 228

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County office building in Vranje where Jova worked.

In the middle of the night the Bulgarians’ village guard came to check up on us. Another poor Austro-Hungarian came to see if the house would be suitable for a courtroom and then began to talk about politics and complain about Pašić. When everybody else praised Pašić, I scolded him; now when everybody else scolds him I feel like defending him. I think it makes no sense to scold one man for things that happen of their own accord. But it is true that both he and the government deserve to be criticized. �e chief of the station promised there would be a train at noon, and a�er that at six o’clock in the a�ernoon. We carried our things over to the station. Poor Jova carried the most, and then we had bad luck. �e passenger train was full. We carried our things back into the station and found places for the children to sit. Around ten o’clock a cargo train that we could take arrived. While we were waiting, many trains rumbled through the station. One car, sealed and marked “for Skoplje,” stood there all day, and the rest of them arrived and departed on both sides of the station. �ey were transporting cannons, �eld trains, and troops back and forth. We traveled all night and arrived in Vranje around midnight. Both the Germans and Bulgarians treated Mirko well. We spent the rest of the night in the waiting room, and Jova watched in front of the station in the rain. Around six o’clock in the morning we all headed toward our house except Jova. We have rented an apartment for now. I heard that some things at the house 229

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House where Natalija’s family lived in Vranje during the First World War.

have been preserved and immediately rushed over to see. I walked through all the rooms—they were all empty, except for the pictures sca�ered around. I didn’t cry. May God only keep my Jova and the children alive, and we’ll build our home again. Jova needs to report to the commander. Some advise him not to rush and tell us about men being taken away from their homes at night. Jova decided to report immediately, and if others are being taken away, let them take him away as well. �is morning we went to see the commander’s adjutant, who listened to what we had to say and told Jova to come back at three o’clock. A�er lunch, Jova and our maid Ana went to the municipality and then to the command. �e commander listened to them but when they asked him if we could take the things from our house, he said, “No, that belongs to the state.” �at was his �nal answer. �e children heard stories from the other children about things being taken away from our house. �ey all denounced their mothers, reporting what each one had taken and where they had hidden it. One day I will tell them about it and thank them, congratulating them for feeling they had to do this. In the meantime, I have to �nd a small house tomorrow for my li�le ones and keep up my spirits, and we’ll take it from there.

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January 31, 1916

Bulgarian music is playing in front of the mayor’s house. I looked at Jova: his head is bent, his eyes are red, and the children look sad as well. From the window I am watching a crazy woman—the widow of the monopoly supervisor. She is dancing and lovingly watching the Bulgarian commissar, who is giving her false hopes of marriage. I have nothing against him. He is a kind man, and I might need him if I try to retrieve my belongings, but I �nd her repulsive. I am still looking for housing. I’ve been told our house has been requisitioned for the needs of the state. I asked them to let us at least collect our personal belongings for which the state has no use. February 3, 1916

We are back in our house. �ank God, good people still exist even among our enemies. �e day before yesterday I went to see the hospital lawyer to ask him for a stove and a few other things. He came personally before noon and ordered the hospital commissar to let us use our dining room and kitchen, which had until then been used by supply officers. I sent the children to get Jova and introduced him to the lawyer, who kindly advised Jova not to use cash but to go to So�a as soon as possible, where they need a lot of engineers. We thanked him for his advice and asked to stay here for a li�le longer. Yesterday we scrubbed the �oor three times to get out all the dirt, and this morning we brought over our things. We used broken pieces of closets and beds to make two beds and borrowed another one. We thus se�led down in our old house but without a table. February 4, 1916

�is morning the drum called up everybody aged 14 to 100. German and Bulgarian patrols ransacked all the houses and checked all the nooks. �ey found nothing at our house but took Jova away. In the end they let all the men go, but the incident cost us all a lot of nerves and tears, especially when we didn’t know what was going to happen to the men. February 5, 1916

�is morning an officer came looking for housing for an entire regiment. Perhaps we will be evicted from here, and we’ve only just managed to clean up all the dirt. I went to a salesman to exchange two bills. He gave me 14 dinars in Serbian silver and kept 6. I kept my mouth shut, but am keeping a record in the hope that the time will come for him to pay me back; now everybody is cheating us. 231

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February 7, 1916

Bulgarian music is playing in front of the house next door. It bothers me so much that I’m crying. February 9, 1916

Jova went to see the Bulgarian commander and spoke German with him. �e commander was kind to him and referred him to a captain who told him to get a certi�cate con�rming that he is an engineer and he will be able to work. Jova says his stomach turned when he saw someone else si�ing behind his desk. February 11, 1916

It has been snowing yesterday and today. Jova went to see the secretary about the certi�cate, but he didn’t get it. �e secretary told him to come back in a few days. Our maid Ana took out a travel permit and will leave in a couple of days. I will have a lot more to do a�erwards, but everybody will pitch in. February 14, 1916

I was running around the market all day yesterday but only bought eggs. �ere is no �our. I bought �rewood from the Gypsies. In the evening I went to the market and bought two okes of corn �our.1 �e Bulgarians are partying and playing, and I keep crying from all the troubles and humiliation. February 19, 1916

We heard that orders had been given for all Serbian books to be brought to the command. I will take over the �ve books that a teacher kept and returned to me (most likely because he heard he had to hand them over) and let the others, who have stolen the rest of my books, hand them over. I have nothing else. People are saying the Bulgarians are con�scating horse blankets and copper items. I have to hide the ke�le again. February 21, 1916

Yesterday, to the accompaniment of the Bulgarians’ music, people carried Serbian books, textbooks, and newspapers to be burned at the stake. It was as if St. Sava was being burned at the stake again.2 1 2

An oke is a Turkish weight measurement equivalent to approximately 1.2 kg or 2.82 lbs. St. Sava himself died of natural causes, but his holy relics were burned at the stake in 1595 by order of the O�oman Grand Vizier Sinnan Pasha.

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February 25, 1916

Yesterday I sent my friend Olga 20 sugar cubes and a liter of petrol, and today I also gave her some money. Even though she makes me angry sometimes, she’s still my friend. I don’t have enough money myself, but my soul hurt when I saw her cry at the market today. I put aside 100 dinars and took it over to her place without telling Jova. February 28, 1916

Yesterday we had a feast. I didn’t go to church to receive communion from their priests. We didn’t always go to ours. Now when I can only receive communion from the Bulgarian priests, I won’t do it. I went to see the head of the hospital to ask him for my blue bed, because we sleep on trunks. He said he needed witnesses that the bed was ours. When I was there I saw he also had my clock and tables. �is made me feel even worse. I shouldn’t have gone. I won’t ask them again. I hope they drop dead. �ey stole everything from us. �e people from the hospital sent off 33 cartloads of various items to So�a yesterday. �ey pretend the things have been con�scated for the needs of the hospital, whereas in fact they have been looted. Of course they won’t give them back. My iron bed was on one of the carts. �ey also stole all the stoves. �ey even took the stoves and the ladder from the court building. �ey looted everything and aren’t the least bit embarrassed. �ey even scolded me for requesting my own things. March 7, 1916

It’s terrible here, the li�le money we have le� will be gone in a couple of months, and what are we going to do a�er that? We can’t earn any money. �ere is no bread, and the children have no suits or hats. Early yesterday morning we saw a zeppelin �y high above us from Skoplje towards Niš. �ey say Romania has declared war, but the news isn’t reliable. 3 March 10, 1916

Dragan got sick. He has a headache and is vomiting. Yesterday he got up for a bit but this morning fell back to bed. He complains of pain in the lower stomach. I don’t know what I’m going to do. �ere are no doctors and no medication. Yesterday I exchanged one of the children’s Napoleon coins. I don’t dare to tell them, but I don’t want to give away our money at half price. 3

Indeed that news was not reliable, as Romania would not declare war on the Central Powers until late August 1916.

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Mrs. Kaja and Mrs. Lepa came a�er lunch. �ey are surprised that some Serbian women have begun to work. Why not? At least they’ll have something to eat. Patriotism is one thing, and survival is another. It’s easy to judge when one has enough of everything. Many people are saying that Romania is at war with Bulgaria, but in Vranje there is no indication of that. March 12, 1916

I heard yesterday that the situation in So�a is good and that Kaiser Wilhelm demanded that Dobrudža be given to the Bulgarians, otherwise they’ll a�ack it. Is he lying or did others lie to him?4 Jova has been working all day in the garden with the children. It’s as if we were in a village living at this house. We don’t go anywhere, nor does anyone come to us. Dragan is feeling be�er, but Mila’s throat hurt all day today. I bought a pair of shoes for Mirko to straighten his legs. He prays every evening: “Dear God, please give me back my legs.” March 13, 1916

I took Mirko a�er lunch and we lay down on a blanket in the yard, while Jova and the children trench-plowed the part of the yard that hasn’t been plowed yet. I can hear the sounds of Bulgarian music. I kissed Mirko and cried. I remember 13 years ago. �e sun was shining like today, the birds were chirping, scarlet pimpernel had blossomed, fruit trees were in bloom, forests were coming to life. Jova and I plucked violets. We were happy and dreamt about future happiness. Now we have four sons and a daughter and all of them are slaves. Instead of nice walks and joyful singing, the holidays pass in misfortune and uncertainty. I used to sing all day, and now I cry all the time for my country and for my family. I am worried about the future of the children we brought into the world together. Now we don’t know what will happen to them. I am teaching them that they have to stay together and help each other when we are gone. �ey must especially help Mirko, the weakest of them all.

4

Dobrudža was a disputed region between the Danube River and the Black Sea in Southeastern Romania and Northeastern Bulgaria. Split between the two states according to the Congress of Berlin, Romania won the entire region in the Balkan Wars. Bulgaria was therefore anxious to regain that territory in the First World War. It remained a source of con�ict between the wars and during the Second World War. Natalija’s comment seems mainly to re�ect her disdain for Bulgaria’s military abilities.

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March 17, 1916

�e German newspapers reported yesterday that French President Raymond Poincaré toasted our heir to the throne. At least the Allies are deluding us with nice words. �e Germans quoted his speech and said that the only truth about that speech is that the brave small nation of the Serbs was foolishly led.5 I was at the cemetery. �ere were a lot of women there, but enemy priests were singing prayers for the soul of a Serbian soldier. I hate priests in general, but Serbian priests are a li�le more sophisticated. �e Bulgarian priests have long hair as if they had escaped from a nuthouse. March 19, 1916

Some people say they can hear cannons, that Prizren has been evacuated, and that the Serbs will come for Easter. I bought a cartload of �rewood this evening and the old salesman whispered he had heard from the Albanians that the Serbian army would come in 20 days and that the Russians had routed the entire Turkish army. I am impatient and happy because of the great news. �e German �eld hospital that had le� has returned. �ey say that the Germans are leaving for good. March 24, 1916

Sunshine, everything is in bloom. Bulgarians are sowing and rearranging things. �eir songs are echoing. �e drum has announced the enrollment of students in school. �e children say they are Serbs, although they will go to a Bulgarian school. I took them to school, and in the middle of a café there were three tables at which the Bulgarian teachers were seated. I thought of dear God and took the children to the table. �ey asked them for their names and weren’t able to remember Nenad’s. �ey found it strange. I told them Dragan and Nenad were names taken from our folk songs, and when I said Danko, one of the teachers said, “He must be a hero.” When I told them where they were born, the teachers opened their mouth in surprise. I then explained that my husband was on duty here as an engineer for four years. �ey asked why we don’t go back to our hometown. I told them I was from Šumadija and Jova was from Bosnia. �ey seemed surprised and somewhat unhappy that we’ve even come. �ey then said the children should bring �owers to 5

At this time a campaign in support of Serbia was in full swing in various Western capitals. We may presume that in his toast the French president praised the bravery of the tiny Serbian nation in the face of Austrian and German aggression. Natalija and others, however, seem fully aware that the Allies’ noble words were unlikely to be accompanied by tangible acts of assistance.

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decorate the school the following day. I said that they would and took the children outside. �ey were in no mood to carry �owers the next day. Danko said, “I will take �owers tomorrow, but I’ll designate them to St. Sava and ask him to chase the Bulgarians out as soon as possible.” Nenad says he won’t decorate a Bulgarian school. I rushed them outside so that the Bulgarians wouldn’t hear and told them, “Be quiet now. With God’s help you’ll be decorating a Serbian school one day as well.” March 30, 1916

Nenad and Danko went to school this morning. �e women in town are saying the Bulgarians have rounded up the children so they can take them somewhere and cut their throats. I don’t believe it, but I’m nevertheless afraid. March 31, 1916

Danko and Nenad are going to school. �ey haven’t started to learn anything yet. Danko is writing numbers and Nenad went for a walk. I heard today about the atrocities commi�ed by the Albanians near Prizren and then that Pašić’s government has fallen and a new cabinet is being formed.6 I am bathing Mirko in walnut leaves soaked in water. �ere aren’t any doctors here now who would know anything about his illness, and I can only hope this will help him. I think his condition is ge�ing worse, his bones more deformed and his legs weaker. I don’t know if we’ll ever �nd anyone to help him. We should do it as soon as possible, but now we are unable to do anything. I have been asking everybody but no one knows anything and we can’t go anywhere. �ese Bulgarians here either don’t know, or say there isn’t any cure, so I feel I shouldn’t ask anymore. April 2, 1916

Mila turned 11 today. We didn’t treat her to anything or buy her anything new; our only present to her was our good wishes that we be liberated soon. It’s pouring rain. Everybody is rejoicing because it’s good for the crops, and the mountains are still covered in snow. 6

Whatever Natalija heard about the fall of Pašić’s government was pure rumor. He was, in fact, the only prime minister among all the Allied regimes to stay in office throughout the entire war. As for the atrocities, although the Albanians did commit atrocities against Serbs during the First World War, they were not alone. Earlier, during the Balkan Wars all of the nationalities in the region, Serbs included, had commi�ed horrendous atrocities against one another.

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April 3–4, 1916, Palm Sunday

�e drum announced that we should all a�end the school’s opening ceremony. I prepared everything for lunch and gave Mila instructions about what to do and asked Jova to supervise her since he doesn’t want to go to the ceremony. I went and waited for the children, who soon appeared from inside the church. �e children and I walked to the monument and positioned ourselves next to the fence. �ey put a table with a tablecloth and decorations in front of the head office and the Vranje café. �ey hung the Bulgarian King Ferdinand’s picture above the door and put a decorated label underneath. �e German commander and his escort arrived, followed by the Austrian officers. �ey lined up the children underneath the windows of the Vranje hotel, and then the priests with a church banner appeared from the direction of the town followed by the people. �e people all looked sad and joyless. Nobody came wearing a nice suit, except for that spy, the accomplice of the café owner. Not a single woman from Vranje came with her hair nicely combed. �ey all wrapped their heads in dark headscarves, although they aren’t in mourning. �e priests began the service, three of them. �ey all have long hair reaching down to below their waists and are dark like Gypsies. �ey began reading the same prayer through their nose ten times over, speaking in Bulgarian. �en the president of the municipality began to read, followed by the head of the county. He started his speech by quoting a famous priest: “I am not ashamed of being a Bulgarian. �ey also had their emperors, patriarchs, and bishops.” He then went on to talk about Bulgaria’s enslavement under the Turks and the Greeks, and the resurrection of the Bulgarian school. He argued that the whole Morava Valley is Bulgarian and called the citizens of Vranje Bulgarians as well. Claiming that a brave horde has come to liberate us a�er 40 years, he assured us that everything would blossom now. He also spoke about the brave Bulgarian army and �nished with a prayer to God to protect his people. He �rst mentioned the Austrians in his speech, and then the Germans, which the Germans didn’t like. One mother said, “It’s a pity the children aren’t reciting. My Amelia has prepared a whole recital.” I looked at her with contempt and said, “A great pity indeed.” Everything was over quickly. Dragan says that Ferdinand’s picture fell twice when they were trying to put it up.

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April 10, 1916, Easter

�e Russians have taken Trapezund.7 �e children are playing soldiers in the yard. Jova lay down and is reading the German newspaper. He is sad and depressed. No wonder, he has already buried one homeland, and now the second one is falling apart. I still hope that Serbia and Bosnia will be united one day. April 30, 1916

Sunday. I am worn out. It’s been three days since I’ve been doing laundry by myself in addition to all the work in the kitchen. We buried our former neighbor today. I le� the laundry and escorted the poor woman’s body to the cemetery. Now she’s at peace, but she le� this world with sad feelings about Serbia. It was a large funeral with �ve Bulgarian priests a�ending. I can’t lay my eyes on them. I won’t leave the house today because I don’t want to watch those bloodsuckers on the street. I am resting in a chair in the garden; everything is in bloom. Mila is checking on li�le Mirko and sick Dragan inside the house. She understands me. �e poor girl has been wearing the same dress for seven months and she understands my pain. May 1, 1916

We bought a cow. Our German neighbor said it was a good cow, and not expensive. We call her Sivka and the calf, Cvetica. May they bring us happiness. We have managed to make a bit of a home for ourselves again. May 11, 1916

Wednesday. St. Cyril and Methodius Day.8 �ere was a ceremony, speeches, and a parade at the Vranje hotel. �ey began with songs and recitals, which were nice. It would have been unfair not to recognize the effort of the teachers. But then Amalija, the daughter of a family with relations in Belgrade, came out. �e child has �nished elementary school and has no business going to the Bulgarian elementary school again. She began the recital with an affected greeting, “My sweet Bulgaria,” and continued in the same vein. 7 8

�e city of Trapezund was taken during a successful Russian offensive against the O�oman Empire during the spring of 1916. Saints Cyril and Methodius Day is a holiday celebrated by both Serbs and Bulgarians. Cyril and Methodius were Byzantine brothers in the ninth century who created an alphabet known as the glagolitic that was used among Slavic peoples to help spread Christianity. One of their disciples later devised the Cyrillic alphabet and named it for St. Cyril.

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I thought she was repulsive. I forgave her mother for making friends with the Bulgarians to help her interests, but I will never forgive her for becoming a bigger Bulgarian than the Bulgarians themselves. She is real scum, but it hurt me even more when another Serbian boy came out and recited with such love and gestures that it was clear his entire soul was in it. He sang solo with a lot of love, pathos, and emotion. I felt like spi�ing on him when, encouraged by the applause of the Bulgarians, he came out again and sang the same song. I was horri�ed when I heard the child’s beautiful voice singing soulfully to please those who had killed his father. When I then saw a li�le girl, the daughter of a mistress of an infamous Bulgarian, come out to recite wearing traditional Bulgarian clothing, and then that wretched boy sang for the third time, I went completely crazy. With no expression on my face, I called Jova and ran out on the street where I broke down crying, shaking all over. Jova was walking ahead in shock and I was walking behind him, when a gentleman admonished me, “We are all crying, madam, but it’s no use. We are enslaved now so restrain yourself.” �en my friend Olga appeared from somewhere. Luckily our house was near so we ran into the yard. Once there I began to sob aloud and ran inside the house, where Olga and I broke down crying. �echildrenwereeatingandIwaswalkingaroundthe house broken. I stood in front of my teacher’s association diploma, looked at St. Sava, and kissed the Serbian intellectuals, Gavrilović and Dositej.9 I usually don’t cuddle or kiss the children, but I now kissed Danko for avoiding participating in the recital. My children are true Serbs despite the fact that they a�end the Bulgarian school. �ey can’t be re-educated because I teach them at home who and what they are. My sweet Serbian child, he has Šumadija blood in him, the blood of the highway robbers from Orašac, his grandfather’s hometown, so he can’t be anything else than a Serb. When his teacher asked him to recite as the best student in class, he refused. I was afraid they would intern Jova when they found out, but then his teacher became ill and the new one didn’t know about it, so he got lucky and the other children volunteered. Danko, my li�le Serb, was so happy to have avoided the recital; he is still only a small kid but he already knows how to preserve his pride. When he saw how upset I was and how much I cried, he told me, “Mummy, I won’t go to their school anymore.” “No, my pride, you’ll go,” I replied, “but you will tell everybody you are Danko Zrnić and that your family is going to move back to Šumadija, which is where we came from.” 9

Jovan Gavrilović (1796–1877) was the �rst president of the Serbian Academy of Sciences. Dositej Obradović (1742–1811) was a Serbian intellectual, author, and educator.

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It is terribly hot and dry. Mirko is ill with a fever and a cough. He is with his father now. I am watching them and begging Jova to let us leave Vranje, but he says, “It’s even worse in Šumadija. You wouldn’t be able to endure it. You have to keep telling yourself this is all temporary and restrain yourself. I feel the same way, but think of the children. �ey need us, and we have to preserve them for this country.” “You’re right, my sweetheart, but how long is this going to go on?” He was a slave in Bosnia as well, so he’s used to everything, whereas I was always free as a bird and was taught to love my freedom and my country more than anything. Now I feel like a bird whose wings have been cut off, and I don’t know what to do. I have to listen to Jova, because he knows what to do in order to survive and keep our children alive while at the same time remaining Serbian and honest. May 19, 1916

I am resting in bed and can hear thunder. It will rain again. �is uncertainty is killing me. For a moment our hopes rise and then wane again. We heard that 400,000 Russians have crossed over to Dobrudža.10 May 21, Emperor Constantine

Heat. Our se�ing hen had 13 chickens. A�er lunch we all sat in the garden. I am in a good mood, although I got upset at the market when I saw how the peasants are being robbed. I bought three okes of cheese from a man from Priboj. He is a rude man. We complained to each other but in the end parted full of faith that all this will soon be over. A peasant is glad to meet someone who understands him. An older man a li�le further away was smiling and winking. He could see that we all understand each other and feel the same. A peasant woman swore they searched them already at Zlatokop, looking for eggs. �ey even li�ed a woman’s skirt, the shameless bastards. I didn’t understand what they were talking about, so they explained to me that some Serbs send Bulgarians to requisition things for them and then share the booty with them. I said it was bad for the Serbs to steal from each other this way, because our enemies bene�t from it. 10

Although the reference to Dobrudža is a bit confusing, Natalija is probably referring here to what is known as the Brusilov offensive—the greatest Russian victory of the First World War. Named a�er its commanding officer, it began on June 4, according to the new calendar, and focused mainly on regions of present-day Ukraine.

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May 23, 1916

Oh Serbia, dear mother, wasn’t there another way Your proud past, your happiness, where did they go? Now they won’t let us call you dear mother Or sigh, or feel, and black misery follows us everywhere. But days and nights will come and a new happiness will shine. With the passing of years our eagle will spread its wings. I don’t know how I managed to rewrite these lines from Zmaj’s poem “Opomen’ se” [Be Forewarned] but I sang with a full heart and produced words as through tears.11 I tried to sing them. Yesterday I heard the teacher from Belgrade say that her daughter sang Serbian songs to Bulgarian officers in Ohrid. I wouldn’t be able to do it without crying. She said she prepared lunches and laid the table, decorating it with ivy to show them the kind of things a Serbian woman can do. She was crying when she told me that, but I would never be able to do something like that myself. May 24, 1916

Tuesday. Everybody has gone to bed. I am waiting for our tenant to return so that I can turn out the lights. He stayed out a li�le longer than usual tonight. �e children and I took the cow to the vineyards. Outside, in that beautiful countryside, I remembered the happy days of the past while the children ran around on the grass. We can hear military songs from the direction of the town. �ey are Bulgarian recruits returning from training. I can still remember the last Serbian recruits I saw in Prokuplje. �ey were walking through the streets in those last days, cheerful and covered with accolades, our strong and beautiful men. And where are they now? Bulgarian recruits are now walking those same streets in Prokuplje. I didn’t go to town. Everything is dead now. Nobody says anything but we are all hoping. �e Belgrade newspaper is no longer allowed here so we don’t know anything. Jova is preoccupied with his livestock. He doesn’t go anywhere and seems more at peace now. Yesterday they called him to come to the head office to give them information about the budget of the county board. Today they called and asked about a measurement. �ey want free advice. We’ve heard that the county board plans to hire Jova as their engineer.

11

Jovan Jovanović Zmaj (1833–1904) was a Serbian poet especially well known for children’s poetry.

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May 26, 1916

�ursday. Our �ve large chickens are missing. Jova, Mirko, and I are lying in the grass. �e other children have gone to school. Mila is feeding the chicken that’s ill. Jova got up and went to arrange sticks for fastening bean plants. �is morning we took the �rst potatoes from our garden. We are living at this house apart from everything, as if we were in a village. No news, not even from those who have gone to Belgrade. Nobody writes—damn Bulgarians, they won’t even allow us to hear from our families. May 27, 1916

Friday. �is morning our tenant went to his office immediately a�er breakfast. He didn’t spend any time talking to us as he usually does. He seems very serious. I don’t ask anything, and he doesn’t say anything. I like to think things aren’t going well for them, but if I asked he would tell me otherwise. �is morning I went to see Mr. Marić and gave him a le�er for my sister Bela. Mr. Talčev was also there and asked Marić the following: “But what kind of arrangement have your Austrians made with the Russians?” Marić pretended he didn’t understand so Talčev repeated the question, and Marić replied, “Nice arrangement indeed, but they also paid a good price for it.” We were all happy about the Russian victory, even the Bulgarian. He said we shouldn’t be surprised that the Russians routed the Austrians, since the Serbs have also kicked their bu�s twice and would have made a stew out of them the third time had it not been for the Bulgarians. Yes, Bulgarians and Germans, we all sighed. But the tide may still turn and Bulgarians may again be on our side. �en our sons would live in a Balkan federation. �e Bulgarian also laughed and agreed with all this. Later on, I asked Marić if what people were saying about the Russians was true, and he said, “�ere is something hard underneath as well, not only above.” I began to hope that I will soon see our soldiers and thought I would wrap up the �rst Serbian soldier I see in one of those new, large towels that we still have in our cabinet. May 30, 1916

I heard this morning that the Russians have crossed the Carpathian Mountains and established a stronghold with a million soldiers in Romania. In the a�ernoon I rested for a bit. It’s very hot. I sent Danko to get the newspaper in the hope of reading something between the lines that might bring us joy. Later, at the ice-cream parlor, I heard that the professor had been taken away. He spoke 242

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aloud in an intoxicated state that he will denounce all those who have caused the death of so many people in Vranje at the parliament. A�er this, I sat down with a friend and her daughter and watched the Vranje ladies taking a walk and having fun. �e midwife walked by with her daughter, who was wearing a new dress. We watched a widow, too, and I felt like crossing myself. She was crazy before, but she has now gone completely mad in a new dress. �en a Bulgarian officer walked by, the �ancé of the priest’s daughter, or, as one of my friend’s daughter said, her lover. My friend’s daughter ridiculed all the Bulgarians who have been courting her. Good for her. She said, “I would sooner marry a Serbian Gypsy than a Bulgarian doctor.” June 9, 1916

�ursday. A�er lunch I went to town to buy sugar and on the way stopped by the local store. Mr. Marić also came and we talked. He says the end of the war is near. He waved at me so we went out on the street where he told me that the Russians are advancing quickly through Romania and shelling Varna. He says that the Germans will retreat by train and therefore are keeping a �rm grip on the trains. He made me swear by my children that I won’t talk to anyone about this. I told him I would go to his wife’s grave the day a�er and tell her how much joy he had brought me by telling me this. I could see his eyes shine with joy. He looked full of hope. I walked on and met the shopkeeper. I said hello and told him I was going to get sugar. He said, “With God’s help our soldiers will bring it soon.” When I reached his store I saw a neighbor standing there who repeated everything Marić had told me. She dragged me into the yard so that we could also cheer up her daughters with the good news. �ey showed me cherry brandy they had prepared for our soldiers when they come. One said she hoped her �owers didn’t wilt and was watering them to make sure there would be enough for the wreaths. We were all full of happiness and faith that this time we won’t be disappointed. On the way home I felt everybody was smiling. Our landlord asked me to come in for a minute and we happily discussed future events. Around six o’clock in the evening the major came home, washed his face, and went out for dinner. His room is full of perfumes and cosmetics. Another neighbor came by and we talked to the major’s orderly. He ridiculed the major’s aristocratic manners and perfumery, sniffing and sneezing. We scolded the Bulgarians, and the orderly said (he speaks Serbian very well): “Bulgarians and Russians are equally stupid. In Serbia everybody has brains.” “A-ha, and why did you crush us if that’s the truth?” 243

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“�ere will be a small Serbia again.” “Oh no, no,” the two of us said, “we want Greater Serbia, everything or nothing, and we think we’ll get it sooner or later.” June 18, 1916

Everybody has found a way to avoid exchanging Serbian money for nothing; we are the only ones who have wasted it. We are hoping God will bring our soldiers back from the foreign lands before we waste all our Serbian money. I haven’t heard anything from my family. If only I knew they were alive. With God’s help we’ll see each other again soon. I keep bathing Mirko in walnut leaves and salt. He, my sweet child, sings: “Go ahead, go ahead, you Serbs, rise. Karadjordje Petrović, give us your mace, Peter Karadjordjević, lead me to war,” and then says, “Rise and come already.”12 June 21, 1916

In the a�ernoon I went to look for peasant shoes for the children. We heard that Jova will be appointed to the position of engineer. Although we have almost spent all our money, this still hit me. I pray to God for our sweet Serbian brothers to come as soon as possible, so that my sweet Jova won’t have to work for Bulgarians, because I know that would be difficult for him. How much I also hate and despise them. On the way back I saw the woman who works at the pharmacy all dressed up and with a bouquet of �owers returning from a walk in the �eld without her children and in the company of a Bulgarian officer. I don’t know how these women can do this. June 24, 1916

It’s quiet. Most of the occupying troops have le�. School isn’t out yet. All the newspapers are talking about the Allied offensive and massive casualties. In the a�ernoon I went to a neighbor’s and found many women there, talking and rejoicing. On the way back, in front of the house, I met the priest’s daughter, who is dating a Bulgarian, dressed all in white. Our neighbor began to tease her and criticize her. She defended herself poorly by saying, “�e Serbs loved me so the enemy loves me too.” 12

Karadjordje Petrović was the leader of the First Serbian Uprising and founder of the Karadjordjević dynasty. Peter Karadjorodjević, Karadjorde Petrović’s grandson, gained great popularity as a guerilla �ghter in Bosnia in 1875 and assumed the throne a�er the coup of 1903, which removed the rival Obrenović dynasty. In 1914 he yielded royal duties to his second son, Alexander Karadjordević. During the great retreat in 1915, the aging monarch was hauled on carts over the mountains into exile on the island of Corfu.

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I told her if I was a girl I wouldn’t be able to love a Bulgarian now, even if he was Casanova himself, nor would I allow him to tell me he loves me, because it’s their fault the Serbs now don’t have a homeland. June 29, 1916

�is morning I went to town to get meat. I met the teacher from Banja. She told me the municipal secretary told the female teachers yesterday to drop dead when they came to get �our, because 27,000 Bulgarians had been killed. �en I heard that the war will not end before 1919. �e salesmen have it easy but how are we going to wait that long? I came home and �nished lunch. Jova and the children are carrying water to the garden. I won’t let the children go to the church to listen to the Bulgarian priests. Instead we sang at home “God give us justice” and many other Serbian songs, praying to God to give us back our Serbia. June 30, 1916

A cold wind is blowing. People say there was egg-sized hail in a nearby town, whereas we in Vranje are still waiting for rain. Everything has dried up. I saw in town that the midwife’s daughter and the wife of the Russian doctor are ge�ing sugar for coupons. I have go�en only two kilos in �ve months, but those privileged few get as much as they want. Mr. Marić has moved into the apartment across the street from us. He sent his maid over to invite us for a glass of champagne but we refused. Jova had already gone to bed, and I didn’t want to leave the house and the children alone a�er dark. I am reading old newspapers and resting. I changed my clothes and looked at myself in the mirror—a real skeleton. I am all bones. It’s not the lack of food but the sadness and pain. July 4, 1916

Sunday. I went to town to buy some meat and heard that the teachers will end the school year today with a celebration. I sent the children, but we didn’t want to go. I later went out to get vegetables and saw a mass of people walking from the church to Vranje. �ere was music, so I went home to avoid listening to it. I told Jova to go so that we wouldn’t make somebody hate us. At �rst he didn’t want to go but then changed his mind. He will get there for the end at least. I stayed at home with Mila and Mirko. We cried and sang “Let’s Call Out,” “God Give Us Justice,” and other Serbian patriotic songs to counterbalance their music. Jova came back and said their performance didn’t go that well. My children didn’t take part in the 245

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recital again. Nenad says Amalija recited in a new dress and that boy sang again, while the Germans played the piano with their orchestra. �e president of the municipality thanked the Bulgarian teachers in his speech and said he wanted the mothers to teach their children Bulgarian at home. I don’t know if there are any Serbian traitors who will do that. �is evening it began to rain and has cooled down. At least Jova will now rest a li�le bit from carrying all that water for the garden, and the rain will save the vegetables and corn that are dry. July 6, 1916

Tuesday. On Sunday a�ernoon the children were dancing the Serbian kolo. Danko brought home his report card. Nenad didn’t even get one. �e report card said Danko was Bulgarian by nationality. I was livid with anger. I marched over to the corner store and spied one of the teachers there. I told him I didn’t understand how my child could be Bulgarian when his father was Bosnian and his mother from Šumadija, and when he wasn’t born in Vranje or in Bulgaria. We got into politics, and since I was sick of everything I told him things I haven’t said to any Bulgarian before. Marić, the pharmacist, also came and listened for a while, but when he saw where things were going he got up and le�. I told him all sorts of things. I didn’t sleep at all last night out of fear that I had gone too far and today went to see what kind of mood he was in. I heard the drum announce that everybody between 15 and 45 years of age should enroll in the Bulgarian school. People in town started telling jokes and laughing at this in disbelief. I said the following to that same teacher: “We’ll do that too if necessary. We are slaves and can’t do anything freely; it’s as if we are hitched to a cart as horses.” One man said he went into debt as Petrović but now doesn’t owe anything as Petrov. I said I got married to Jovan, and now my husband is somebody called Ivan I’ve never seen before.13 July 13, 1916

�is morning we received a card at last from my sister Bela. She writes that they are all well. In the a�ernoon we also got a le�er from Jova’s brother Luka, who is 13

Natalija is making fun of the Bulgarians’ efforts during the occupation to enforce linguistic homogeneity on the population. Ivan, for example, is the Bulgarian form of John; in Serbia it is Jovan. Typical Serbian surnames end in “ić” (as in “Petrović”); typical Bulgarian names end in “ov” (as in “Petrov”). �e suffix in each case signi�es the patronymic, or “son of ” (“Son of Peter”).

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also well. I wrote to Bela and to Jova’s nephew, Duško. I am thinking about today’s date in the past. I remembered our �rst slava in Arandjelovac. We were free, my sisters and I, and so many people came as guests. July 24, 1916

On Friday a�ernoon the new county head came to visit us. He was told he was staying with us. He was very kind and refused to even think about staying at our house when he saw we have �ve children. He asked both me and Jova where we were from. Yesterday I lent 100 dinars to a neighbor, the wife of the head of the post office from Belgrade. She asked me not to tell anyone until the war ends. A few days ago I lent 15 German marks to the daughter of the teacher and 15 Bulgarian Levs to another neighbor. We don’t have much ourselves. I do all the work myself but I still gave to those who are having an even harder time. July 25, 1916

�is morning I heard in town that there is �ghting over Bitolj and saw trains full of wounded soldiers passing through. �e newspapers say the Germans have obstructed the advance of the Russians near Riga and on the Carpathian Mountains, but I don’t believe it. I see from the Bulgarians that things aren’t going well, because they normally brag a lot. July 31, 1916

Sunday. Jova bought hay and a donkey for the children to bring �rewood from the mountains. I went to the market and bought some eggs from a peasant. A German soldier came and threatened to take me to the command. In all the commotion somebody stole the purse from my pocket. I noticed only when I wanted to pay for onions. I had a lot of money in it! I went home and told Jova and the children and burst into tears. In the evening I watched the children play through the window and drive Mirko around like a king. Not long ago Serbs and Bulgarians had a �ght at a café in Vranje. Now the children are all armed with sticks. Recently, three children of the county secretary—real Bulgarians—got a good beating. �e Serbs were shouting, “Hit the Bulgarian, hit him.” Grown-ups gathered. �eGermanseventooktheirpictures,andtheBulgarians acted surprised: How come the children decide to play this of all things?

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August 3, 1916

�ere was a celebration on Monday commemorating the Bulgarian King Ferdinand’s ascension to the throne. �e drums announced that those who didn’t a�end would be held in poor regard. Jova went to the church but was late. He met other men at the pharmacy and returned with them. He stood at the monument during the service and for the county head’s speech, and then returned home. August 6, 1916

Last night I dreamt of my school days—something good will happen. I was expecting my period, but I didn’t get it. It seems I will give birth to yet another son. If the war was over I would do it gladly, but the war is ongoing and Mirko hasn’t been cured yet. �is is why I’m not glad about this pregnancy, although I like children. We heard that tomorrow the Bulgarians will requisition all food items. August 9, 1916

Tuesday. I soaked the laundry yesterday. I washed one load today and am dead tired now. �e Germans came yesterday and moved into the houses. I went to a neighbor’s to read the ad my sister Bela placed in the Hungarian newspaper, in which she says: “N. Zr. Vr: Dear Naca, I am in Belgrade. Stay at home until Mirko is fully recovered. Don’t go anywhere.” �e newspaper is from August 4. I understand what this means, that Jova shouldn’t go up there because of the Austrians. We therefore need to put up with all kinds of things here, let come what may. But I heard that yesterday the commander protested about Jova not being interned. August 15, 1916

I am lying in bed. �is morning I got up to make some breakfast for the children. I made bread and barely managed to make lunch and then had to lie down. I feel very nauseous and sick. I don’t know if it’s the pregnancy or some illness. My breast hurts. Jova doesn’t say anything. �e work is killing him. �e children would be lost without him. I wrote Bela a card and will give it to someone to give to the censor. If Jova goes, my older sister, Juca, might decide to come here.

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August 18, 1916

Everyone is saying Romania has entered the war. We even heard that Italy has declared war now. I now �nd it easier to carry my burden because I hope that another member of our family will be born to free Serbia.14 August 21, 1916

Sunday. �ey say the Russians have taken Ruščuk, and the Romanians have taken Kladovo, Bela Crkva, and Požarevac.15 We are all happy and full of hope. �e German newspaper says Esad Pasha is in Salonika.16 Our German tenant doesn’t say anything, but regularly hands us the newspaper as soon as he comes home. His name is Gustav Ludvig and he used to be a post-office clerk before the war. Bulgarians are leaving one by one. Nobody but the president of the municipality has remained at the municipality. �ere is a rumor that the men are going to be interned. I don’t believe it because they don’t have anywhere to take them. August 29, 1916

Jova and the children went to pick hazelnuts. �ey came across traces of Bulgarian atrocities near the watchtower and immediately came back, terri�ed and shocked by the bodies they had seen. �e drum twice announced the Bulgarians’ wonderful victories today, but nobody believes them. Nobody at all. Everybody is making jokes at their expense. Another German came, who also seems nice. Yesterday a teacher came to see me. She was desperate and offered to sell me some kind of soap because she is penniless. A�er lunch I went out and ran into a young girl kni�ing a pair of male socks for someone for 0.40 dinars a pair. Two of them knit a pair a day for two coins. I gave 30 dinars in 10-dinar notes to the girl, and my heart was breaking I couldn’t give her more, because we only have 1,000 dinars le� and winter is near. How are we going to make it until the end? My neighbors are surprised that I give money to other people when I have �ve children of my own, another one on the 14

15 16

�is time the rumors were true. Romania declared war on the Central Powers on August 27, 1916, according to the new calendar. Although Italy had declared war on Austria-Hungary in May 1915, it declared war on Germany only in August 1916. Ruščuk is a town in Northern Bulgaria. �e other references are to towns in Northeastern Serbia on the border with Romania. Esad Pasha Toptani was an Albanian military leader before and during the First World War. Supported by Italy and Serbia, Esad Pasha served as president of Albania for one month in the fall of 1915 and controlled parts of the country for longer.

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way, and not much money le�. I said I couldn’t do it any other way. Hopefully God will help us. However, the woman pharmacist told me I should have contacted her and she would have given me some kind of drops to abort immediately.17 September 17, 1916

Saturday. I saw off Jova and Danko. �ey went on foot to do unpaid labor at the Banja Bridge. Yesterday Jova received a call from the municipality and was told there is unpaid labor being done and that as an engineer he has to direct the workers. He has to go to work following orders like a slave, but even that’s be�er than being their employee. I cried when I remembered the days when I used to see him off to work all happy and cheerful. Jova didn’t sleep all night and said, “How can I go back to those places and the bridge I once built? It’s easier to deal with the pain inside the house.” September 18, 1916

Sunday. It’s pouring rain. Jova again went to do unpaid labor at the Banja Bridge. Danko went with him; they both got soaked. �is morning the German tenant said that some kind of poisonous substance for making photographs was missing from his desk and that the children had taken it and would poison themselves. I told him the children are not allowed to touch anything on the table in my room, and don’t even enter his, but he insisted that somebody had taken a ba�ery from his telephone. I swore that nobody enters his room except me when I clean it, and what would I do with something like that? “Perhaps the master has taken it to make something?” he asked. �is got me �red up and I burst into tears, telling him it was impudent of him to suggest something like that about honest people like us, who may be slaves at the moment. My husband was a model �gure in an honest and digni�ed country, and he would never take anything that doesn’t belong to him, let alone something he has no use for. I le� the room angry. Later he called me and showed me the poison, which had rolled under the couch. He said the ba�ery was gone and again claimed the children had taken it. He was nice to me today and gave me the newspaper and some kind of salt. As if I need that! I asked him how much it was and he refused 17

Abortion was technically illegal and contrary to the teachings of the Serbian Orthodox Church. �e Church officially considered abortion a sin, believing that life began at conception. Abortion was one of the bases on which a husband could legitimately sue his wife for divorce. However, both government and church officials took a rather laissez-faire a�itude toward the practice, considering it a private family ma�er and one most o�en related to �nancial distress.

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any money. Today I sent him seven pastry sticks and a cup of coffee and told him that was in exchange for the salt. I don’t want anything for free from German fools like him. �ey say our forces have reached Skoplje and then returned to Bitolj. It feels terrible to expect something and then be deceived. Serbian money is being exchanged 1:1 now that we don’t have any anymore. It’s pouring rain. My good Jova is toiling like a slave and ge�ing rained on. With God’s help the day will come when he will work for his own country again. Our sons are learning all too well what it means to be ruled by others. �ey will be brave Serbs and soldiers. September 27, 1916

�e days are difficult, I’m afraid we will soon be hungry and poor, and there won’t be anyone to help us. �ey would only give us a rope to hang ourselves. �ere are seven of us and I’m carrying the eighth in my stomach. Winter is near, everything is expensive, and we only have 700 dinars le�. I gave to others when I could, but nobody will be able to give to us. I wrote to my sister Bela today to see if a family friend in Switzerland could send us some money, but the censorship service wouldn’t take my card. I will try again. We had hope when we heard the Romanians had crossed the Danube, but now they say the Bulgarians have pushed them back again. I am worried even more that I will give birth to my child while Serbia is still ruled by others, and Bulgarians will christen him. �e Bulgarians are no longer as arrogant as they used to be, but I still can’t stand them. One of them told me yesterday, “My dear lady, it’s very bad for everyone. Your king �ed to one side, ours to another, and the people remained and are �ghting each other.” Last night, at the corner store, that priest with black curly hair who rolls his eyes wanted to show he had learned to sing the Šumadijan way (he didn’t say Serbian). I laughed and told him that if he had ever been in Šumadija he would have learned many more beautiful songs. When he realized I was from Šumadija, we got to talking and given the things I told him I am surprised they haven’t arrested me. He asked, “Why do you Serbian women in every conversation immediately say, ‘I am a Serb.’ Our women don’t always say, ‘I am Bulgarian.’” “It’s because,” I said, “nobody denies that identity to your Bulgarian women. I used to be a socialist and an internationalist and my mo�o used to be ‘Be human.’ Now I have become a nationalist, thanks to you who have enslaved us. You, my priest, think that our teachers taught our children to be soldiers. �ey didn’t. But now, if with God’s help they are liberated, Serbia will have not an army but men of 251

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steel, because we will remember what it means to be under somebody else’s rule. Our enslavers have taught us to love our country and our freedom. If, for instance, Romanians came to Bulgaria and told your women they were Romanian, they would also claim they were Bulgarian. I would also despise a Bulgarian woman who claimed she was Romanian.” �e priest replied to this, “You speak truly, madam. �at is so, but it’s war now, and bad things happen.” “�at’s also true, priest, but it will be a good lesson for us.” He added, “You’re an interesting woman.” �e man from Vranje who was si�ing with the priest watched me with eyes open wide as he listened to everything I said to the priest. It’s dark. I can hear noise, probably cats. My whole family is fast asleep because they are exhausted from working and chopping �rewood. My good Jova kept going all day, the cow and the pigs are his job now. He is suffering from rheumatism, and his stomach is giving him trouble as well. October 9, 1916

Sunday. I received a card from my sweet Bela through the Bulgarian Red Cross. I replied also through the Red Cross but don’t know whether she’ll get it this time. In recent days we have been hearing cannons quite clearly, but we don’t know from where nor to whom they belong. People are saying the Germans will be �nished with Salonika in 14 days. We, the wives of the civil servants, keep visiting each other. Will God hear our wishes and let our hopes be ful�lled? Yesterday I talked to the midwife for a bit. She says her brother in So�a was trying to arrange food for the people here. She now speaks like a Serb. October 11, 1916

Fog. �e hills above Vranje are hidden from view. My heart breaks when I see how much everybody is suffering, while the traitors and the toadies live well. We suffer, the children are hungry, naked, and barefoot, Mirko is ill, and we can’t do anything to help him. I heard yesterday that the Germans have taken Constance and that Romania will be �nished also in a couple of days. Will the sun not shine on us? Will this winter also be spent waiting, and how many of us will live to see it? All Serbs have been ordered to leave the lower parts of the country. I haven’t heard anything new from them either; everybody is waiting and hoping. 252

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October 13, 1916

�ursday. �e enemy is celebrating the taking of Constance. Jova is reading the newspaper we received from our German tenant. �ere is nothing consoling in it. �ey are celebrating their victories in Dobrudža and Erdelj. �ey also talk about certain conditions of peace and the Serbian casualties on the Bitolj front. �ey say if the Serbs enter another ba�le of this kind, nothing will remain of them. �ere was also a notice about the Finance Ministry’s order to withdraw the Serbian dinar. It will be terrible if they withdraw our money again, but we don’t have enough anyway. I spent all day today repairing the children’s clothes and preparing them for the winter. I don’t mind being poor, but I do mind being a slave. �e weather is unstable, but it isn’t cold yet. We can again hear cannon �re. October 14, 1916

A total of 1,500 German soldiers entered Vranje. Nobody knows why.18 Jova read to me about the new Russian offensive in a number of directions. I keep thinking about Jova’s brother Luka and how he is doing. My family will worry about us when they hear we have no money le�. If only we were all together to share our poverty. October 19, 1916

It was St. Luke’s Day yesterday, my family’s slava, a day we once spent in happiness and joy. I wonder how things are now in Arandjelovac, and whether they are celebrating. Yesterday a�er lunch several neighbors came to visit. We talked about all kinds of things, mostly the withdrawal of our currency. �is morning the drum announced that Serbian money isn’t valid anymore. A�er lunch I sent one of my children to get vinegar at Mr. Sotirac’s store and gave him Serbian money. �e old woman sent him back without selling him the vinegar. I won’t go to their store anymore; their daughter, all spruced up, goes for walks with Bulgarians, so why am I surprised by what they do? I will go to town tomorrow to test all the renowned salesmen on their patriotism and humanity. I will take the last 300 dinars I have to those people who have and can keep Serbian money, because they have resources to work with and get Bulgarian money. I want to know for certain which of them have respect and which don’t. 18

�ese forces had been sent to bolster the Bulgarian army in its struggle to halt Serbian advances on the Macedonian front in October and November. Despite this German aid, however, the Serbian army captured Bitolj (Monastir) on November 19. Losses in this campaign included at least 50,000 on the Allied side and probably 60,000 captured or killed Bulgarians and Germans.

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October 25, 1916

�e German newspaper reports that Poland has been proclaimed a kingdom.19 In the late a�ernoon I went out to see if there was any meat and saw Luka, the pharmacist, walking arm in arm with the Bulgarian bank clerk. I bought a school blackboard for Nenad. I want to start teaching him Serbian tomorrow. It’s been drizzling since this morning. I will go to the municipality to buy three kilos of wheat and three kilos of rye for each family member. �ey say that nobody who isn’t poor is going to get it for free, and it seems that only we, the civil servants, aren’t considered poor. November 6, 1916

Sunday. I �nishedalltheworkandam now feeling tired. �e weather is unstable. �ere is a lot to do, and even more to worry about. On St. George’s Day it snowed a lot. Everything was white. I went to see my friend Olga who is recovering from an illness. She has changed a lot. I spent Friday a�ernoon cleaning the stove and the dining room. I also gave Mirko a bath and washed his laundry and mine. Yesterday I spent the entire day trying to exchange the money. Last night I went to buy meat. �e butchers have raised their prices because the Bulgarians requisition all their goats at the slaughterhouse, as well as the pig skin and lard. All the German newspapers are writing about the ba�les on the Salonika front and Serbian valor. �e wedding of that famous count has just passed, and I felt like scolding him. Is this the time to get married when his father and his friends are ge�ing killed? A southern wind has been blowing since this morning and it’s warm as spring. At least God cares about the poor. I heard that the county head slapped a peasant because he didn’t take off his hat when he saw him. I sent a card with pictures of the children to Bela. One of our neighbors bought some new maps of the Balkan Peninsula in Bulgarian, and everything is still as it was. Serbia is marked in its entirety and the word “Serbia” is wri�en on it. We all looked at the map, surprised by their kindness, because they used to tear apart everything that had Serbia mentioned in it. Now they draw Serbia themselves.

19

Also known as the “Regency of Poland,” the Kingdom of Poland created in 1916 was clearly just a satellite state of Germany and was intended only to turn the Polish army over to the Central Powers. No king was ever named and even the army as constituted had only 5000 men. It ceased to exist on November 11, 1918.

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November 7, 1916

Today the sky was bursting with artillery �re.Itcanbeheardclearlyinouryardand everywhere else in town. Everybody is nervous, expectant, and hopeful. A neighbor told me six citizens in town had been arrested today and that internments are likely to begin soon. I also heard Bitolj has fallen. It’s clear from the German newspaper that �erce �ghting is going on there. Oh joy! �e Serbs have taken it again on the same day as in 1912. We are all happy and cannot hide our joy from our enemy.20 Jova is reading the German newspaper. �ere are announcements by the Russian government about some kind of peace. Only our enemies write about this. Jova is now reading the speech the Russian war minister gave in front of the Russian parliament. November 11, 1916

I received a le�er from my sister Bela. She says she has become engaged to Mr. Andrejević, an engineer. I pray to God this comes true so that we may see her happy at last. November 16, 1916

On my birthday I didn’t get anything except for Jova’s kisses. �ose would be enough if only we were free. Last night a�er dinner I walked out into the yard to listen to the cannons. I looked across the street at our neighbor—that midget’s house—and saw it was full of women, jokes, and laughter. All the infected women from the villages are there. I stood amazed by the tragicomedy of life. While some are celebrating, giggling, and joking, others are sighing, dying, or crying. I remembered the words from today’s German newspaper, which reported that there was only one nation still �ghting, namely the Serbs. Everybody else is just parading. A�erwards I stood with the women on the street. We all said that the day when our forces will come is near, but our eyes were full of tears. November 19, 1916

�e days passing by are sad and meaningless. �ere is nothing new, not even the shooting can be heard anymore. �e Germans are rejoicing at their advances 20

A�er the evacuation of the Serbian army through Montenegro and Albania in the winter of 1915–16, Serbian troops were transferred by the French to the Macedonian front. In the fall of 1916, French and Serbian forces successfully ba�led German and Bulgarian troops in southern Macedonia, taking the town of Bitolj (also known as Monastir) in late November. However, the offensive came too late to save Romania (which was taken by Austro-German troops in mid-January 1917) and ground to a halt there.

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in Romania and say all the a�acks on the Macedonian front have been repelled. Many German recruits have come to town. All of them are 19-year-old children. �eir clothing and equipment is no longer as shiny as it used to be. �ey are wearing worn-out uniforms in various colors. �ey are stingy now and don’t spend as much as the ones from last year did. Jova does mathematics with the children every night. I reviewed all the Serbian le�ers with Nenad. �is evening Jova and the children went through the Bulgarian textbooks. He explained everything to them in Serbian, because we don’t have any Serbian textbooks. �is is real torture for the children, making them learn things by heart without understanding anything. I like the fact that the Bulgarian geography textbook for the fourth grade also includes general knowledge about Europe and the European countries and some knowledge about other parts of the world as well. November 20, 1916

Sunday. It’s been raining since last night, but it isn’t cold. I have been preparing lunch all morning and have now sat down to rest for a while. Today we got some medicine for our sick Mirko from a German who used to live with one of our neighbors. He sent his greetings and said he was going to the front line as a private. He was our official enemy but acted as our friend. Being a mother, I will never forget this present and therefore pray to God to protect this good man. A�er lunch I went to see my friend Olga, who is lying in bed with what she thinks is a back problem. I think it’s a consequence of typhus. She is thrilled by the Germans, their valor and intelligence, whereas I think they are no be�er than the Bulgarians, except for a few, and, in any case, soldiers will be soldiers. November 24, 1916

�ursday. Bucharest has fallen. We felt defeated a�er hearing this news. I was rinsing the laundry all day today in the rain. November 25, 1916

Friday. �is morning Jova went to church. I stayed at home to hang out the laundry. I hate listening to the Germans and the Bulgarians brag. I had just �nished hanging out the laundry and was about to go to lunch when the rope broke and all the laundry fell into the mud. I wanted to kill myself. I cried like a child and cursed life, God, and the whole world. �en I had to wash, rinse, and hang it out all over again. 256

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A salesman brought us some wheat. I gave him a whole dinar to make up for my sins from before, that is, my cursing. �e poor man told me he is looking a�er a 12-year-old girl from Bosnia, the daughter of a peddler from another village. �ey lost each other when they were running away and he took the child to look a�er her. He told me a story he said he saw with his own eyes when they crossed the bridge on the Drina River �eeing from the Germans. �e Montenegrins were beating people and forcing them to �ee. One woman was carrying a two-monthold baby and another two-year-old on her back, while two other children were holding onto her skirt and walking. Suddenly she threw the baby into the river. When the Montenegrins began to scream at her, she stepped onto the bridge with the other children, pressed them forward into the stream of refugees, and then �ung herself into the water, following her baby to her death. In this way her three remaining children became orphans. November 29, 1916

Tuesday. We can no longer hear the cannons. �ey say the Germans are transferring large numbers of troops to Salonika. We heard 5,000 other Germans are coming to Vranje. November 30, 1916

Wednesday. �e sun is shining as if it were springtime. I can’t hear any shooting, and we are desperate. A neighbor came to tell me a wire has arrived saying that the German Kaiser Wilhelm and the Bulgarian King Ferdinand want peace. She heard this yesterday. I hope it’s not a trap to allow the Germans to prepare for more �ghting, because they say that we now have a cease-�re in effect. Another neighbor also came and said that Germany wants peace. �e army has made an official announcement. I would be sorry if the Bulgarians got away unpunished.21 December 1, 1916

�ursday. �e weather is nice. �e news of peace is still holding. Bulgarians aren’t saying anything. �is morning I bought �ve kilos of sugar for Serbian dinars. Dragan keeps �nding green strawberries and violets in the �eld. He watches the cow and brings what he �nds. A�er lunch today I dropped by a neighbor’s house. 21

In late November and December 1916, U.S. President Wilson began peace negotiations to which leaders of the Central Powers responded with some interest. Ultimately Great Britain rejected their initiatives, however, considering them too vague to be serious. In any case, the Central Powers’ military position was too strong at that point for them to put forward reasonable terms.

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As I was approaching their house, I saw the children laughing at something in the entryway. I asked them what was going on but they were laughing so much they weren’t able to answer. �ey only said, “Go inside and ask,” and kept laughing. When I went in, I was told that the grammar school headmaster and teacher had come to see why one of the children was absent from school. �ey said they came to meet the parents and get to know them. So, Mrs. Zora �rst gave them sweet preserves and coffee, then took her brother Rista’s picture from the wall and said, “�is is my brother, who is �ghting in the Serbian army.” She then showed them another picture and said, “And this is my other brother, a people’s deputy, who died in Surdulica.” �e headmaster grew silent. �en they got up immediately to leave, saying they were in a rush. As soon as they le�, the neighbors burst out laughing. “Nice offering you gave them,” I said. “First the sweet preserves, then the vinegar.” Mrs. Zora laughed, saying, “I do the same with all of them before they even sit down.”22 December 2, 1916

Everybody is talking about peace. Jova read the army manifest about the peace offer in the Berlin newspaper. It’s too long for me to write about it here, but it is clear from everything that Kaiser Wilhelm has capitulated. He no longer engages in saber ra�ling but kneels, although it is presented as his sense of humanity. I no longer think about what will happen to us if the Allied Forces don’t accept this offer. It will be as God decides. Hopefully we’ll survive somehow, but my heart is full. I can’t wait for dawn, so that I can run into town to tell those who deserve it and those who don’t that Wilhelm is kaput. I am no longer afraid. December 8, 1916

�ursday. All the Serbs from Macedonia have been interned and brought here by the Bulgarians. I heard that the grammar school headmaster wants the parents to �ll out the school card for their children with such information as their child’s religion, nationality, and citizenship. I said we are Serbs and nobody can take that away from us. At least I won’t have anything else being wri�en next to my children’s names. I don’t know what our citizenship is now, but I think we are still Serbs. I also heard they would intern everybody who isn’t from Vranje. 22

It is a Serbian custom to immediately offer a guest a spoonful of sweet fruit preserves with a glass of water and then strong Turkish coffee.

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December 18, 1916

Sunday. I received a le�er from my sister Bela that she wrote on St. Nicholas’ Day. �ey are quite worried about us not having any money. �e drum announced yesterday that all men between ages 18 and 29 and all Austrian citizens from Bosnia and Hercegovina up to the age of 50 should report to the municipality. I will go and see why. I also heard that some 70,000 Turkish soldiers for the lower front are coming to Vranje. Jova read in the German newspaper the Russian emperor’s speech to the army. We concluded that there won’t be any peace and we’ll all die of starvation. December 21, 1916

Wednesday. Danko hasn’t been feeling well for four days now. He feels weak, coughs a lot, and has a wound on his right arm. Another boy cut him with a knife at school and the wound got infected. I put a gauze dressing on his wound but have now bought some medicine to put on his arm. He is feeling very bad and wants to throw up. He has lost a lot of weight and looks different. I watched him and then Mirko, who was lining up cubes with his thick hands but is unable to move his legs, and I felt like crying out loud. Yesterday we slaughtered our white piglet. It weighed 25 kilos when alive. We made 3.5 kilos of lard. It’s been three days since I le� the house. I scrubbed all the �oors, dusted and cleaned the whole house, and made some cake for the holidays to bring us luck. Tomorrow we will slaughter the black pig for Christmas. �e holidays are near and what we have all been waiting for still hasn’t arrived. December 25, 1916

Yesterday about three o’clock, people from the German command came and reserved a room for a German captain. �ey wanted another one for the orderly. �ey ordered us to empty the larder and put up the soldier in our dining room and kitchen that night. I had just cleaned the entire house. Now I will have to do it all over again a�er they leave. We moved the groceries in secret and spent a sad Christmas Eve with the enemy. �is morning we stayed in bed until seven o’clock because the soldier still hadn’t go�en up. Eventually, I got tired of waiting and got up, made a �re, and washed my face, but the soldier stayed in bed. When our �rst visitor came on Christmas Day, the soldier was still in bed. I thought I would explode with anger. We are enslaved, but it’s our holiday and they are interfering with it. I started doing housework. My good Jova, instead of kissing me and the children, went to the barn to �ll the straw mat for the soldier and returned all 259

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covered in dust. It’s be�er to prepare it now so that we don’t spend the rest of the day working for him. I spent the entire morning preparing the rooms for them. �e captain, a German peasant and landowner, watches everything from above and speaks in an arrogant way. He moved the furniture around to suit his taste. Four German tenants before him liked it the way it was, but he doesn’t. He asked the price of the Turkish carpets and then said they were too expensive. Danko went to buy a German newspaper for Jova to entertain himself a bit. December 29, 1916

Wednesday. Our German tenants are still with us. �ey don’t touch anything anymore, but I still can’t wait for them to leave. �e older one went hunting and brought back a young rabbit. I was in town but haven’t heard anything. Everything has grown quiet. �ey say the Germans broke into the Bulgarian kitchen at the hospital and took away rice, bread, lard, and other things. It’s good they haven’t stolen from our people. Danko’s hand still hurts. Mirko is sweet, but still can’t stand on his feet. We haven’t been giving him his baths today. We’ll start again a�er New Year’s.

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Introduction

Chapter 9.

Resistance 1917

Background

A

lthough Natalija had high hopes at various points in 1916 that the war was about to end, her despondency at the beginning of 1917 re�ected the mood of much of the rest of the world as the war dragged into its fourth year. Although it seemed to her and others that the war would never be over, events were taking place at the highest levels that would have enormous consequences for the outcome and eventual conclusion of the war. �e �rst of these was American President Woodrow Wilson’s decision to send American troops to Europe. Although the American contribution to the Allied war effort was relatively small at �rst, a�er Wilson declared war in April 1917, the American government ultimately dra�ed four million men and, by the summer of 1918, was sending 10,000 soldiers to France every day. Initially, the important American military contribution was offset by the Russians’ withdrawal from the war. Even as the Entente Powers gained an important ally in the United States, they lost another in Russia. �e �rst Russian Revolution broke out on February 23, 1917 (March 8 according to the new calendar) bringing to an end 300 years of rule by the Romanov dynasty and installing a provisional government committed to continuing the war. When the Bolsheviks in turn overthrew this government the following October, they made clear their intention to reach a separate peace and withdraw Russia from the war. An armistice went into effect in early December 1917, followed by a formal declaration of Russian withdrawal in the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk, signed on March 3, 1918. �e United States’ entry into the war ultimately helped bring it to a close, while Russia’s withdrawal dramatically changed the balance of power in the Balkans and removed Serbia’s champion from the scene. 261

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In the meantime, the Serbian government in exile on the island of Corfu continued to promote the establishment of a postwar Yugoslav state. �e death of Austrian Emperor Franz Joseph I at the end of 1916 gave these efforts a renewed sense of urgency. His successor, Charles I, began to talk about taking AustriaHungary out of the war, raising the question of what would become of the South Slavs living in the Dual Monarchy. Some of these South Slavs formed a Yugoslav Commi�ee in London, where they agitated for the formation of an independent South Slav state, including Slovenes, Croats, and Serbs a�er the war. In June 1917, they met with Serbian Prime Minister Nikola Pašić on the Greek island of Corfu to establish the contours of such a state. �e Corfu Declaration issued in July set out the principles on which the new state would be founded, though it glossed over several important issues. �e new Kingdom of Serbs, Croats, and Slovenes would be a constitutional, democratic, and parliamentary monarchy under the Karadjordjević dynasty, which would guarantee the equality of the three national groups: Serbs, Croats, and Slovenes. Nothing was said in this declaration about the national sensibilities of Macedonians, who, as Natalija was discovering, didn’t necessarily see themselves as Serbs or as belonging to southern Serbia. In any case, whether this new state was to be a federal or a unitary one was le� to a constituent assembly to decide, which would be elected by universal, direct, and secret suffrage a�er peace was restored. �ese plans concerning postwar political arrangements seem to have mattered li�le to those like Natalija who were simply struggling to survive the increasingly harsh occupation. �eir hopes for the postwar se�lement continued to be the establishment of a Great Serbian state including Bosnia, Macedonia, Vojvodina, and Kosovo (and perhaps the Krajina region of Croatia). Meanwhile, their a�ention was focused on survival as things got worse, much worse in places like Vranje. Local resistance to the Bulgarian occupation increased and, as guerilla bands began to operate in the area, reprisals against the population became more common. In February 1917, an uprising against the occupying authorities was brutally suppressed, as Natalija and Jova discovered when villagers came across victims’ bodies. Nevertheless, young men continued to join the armed bands hiding in the hills in order to avoid conscription, which would have sent them to �ght against fellow Serbs—even, perhaps, their own fathers. As the war dragged on, requisitioning became more severe. Natalija wrote that the Germans began to “take everything,” causing malnourishment and starvation among the local population. Poverty, hunger, disease, and a lack of the most basic necessities now became the backdrop of daily life. For the �rst 262

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time since the war began, Natalija and Jova were no longer able to provide for their ever-growing family. Desperate measures were called for—their children were starving.

January 3, 1917

People who owe us money aren’t paying us back. I sold some things. Danko coughs a lot and is losing consciousness. I worry about him and his weak lungs. February 2, 1917

Two days ago Mrs. Jelisaveta Stanimirović, a teacher from Belgrade, and her three daughters, moved into our house. I asked them to come so that I wouldn’t have to have those German bums at my house. I hope neither we nor they will regret it. It’s be�er for us to do favors for each other than to put up with the German bums. February 18, 1917

A few days ago I received a card from my sister Bela. News of some Serbian renegade soldiers near Lebane is going around. �e Germans searched the houses looking for weapons. Today not a single soul from the villages is at the market. All the peasants without permits have been rounded up. Everybody says serious �ghting is going on. Mr. Andrija brought me money from Bela. �e cow has no food. We will have to sell it. �ey say the Serbs have been prohibited from trading with the Germans and that everything in town will be requisitioned. Jova has been given some kind of a job at the municipality but hasn’t taken over his duty yet. February 19, 1917

Jova has been appointed as some sort of a “conductor” at the municipality, but they haven’t yet shown him his duties. Even be�er, let them get out of our sight as soon as possible! We now need his salary, li�le as it is, to survive, but he doesn’t care about working, especially not for them. February 25, 1917

Saturday. We sold the calf and the cow to the Germans yesterday. Now the children have no milk. I also sold another ma�ress and the kitchen cabinet and chiffonier. I have to save some money for the delivery of my baby and in case they take away the men, God forbid. �e weather is terrible. �ey have rounded up all 263

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the villagers, but no citizens are reporting. We are no longer allowed to assemble or talk on the street, and we can’t go out a�er seven o’clock in the evening. All contact with Serbian soldiers is prohibited. Miss Stana had a nervous breakdown and is making rather dangerous scenes on the street. She threatens revenge, curses Bulgarians, the mothers of the government officials, Kaiser Wilhelm, etc. She might have a bad end. March 2, 1917

Jova went to work at the municipality. He is in a very bad mood and unhappy; he looks defeated. He doesn’t have an office of his own but works like a parasite in the office of the undersecretary until they �nd him a table. He witnesses all kinds of scenes working with this man. For example, one woman came in who was accused of not wanting to send her children to school. She said she wouldn’t let her children go to school until borders had been drawn. �e secretary scolded her and called her a pig and a serf. Another man came and talked about the atrocities near Leskovac. �e head of the municipality came and complained about the recruitment lists. �is goes on the entire time. Jova keeps his mouth shut but is frustrated all the time and again suffers from stomach pain. I heard a young man was shot at the ramparts on the way back from Banja yesterday. �e women watched it and heard screaming. Germans are taking away all the food they can �nd in the Turkish neighborhood, and chase chickens all night, even in Vranje itself. I haven’t been anywhere for �ve days now. I sew and work all day long. It’s dangerous to go out. It’s easy to lose one’s head now for saying the wrong word, and I need to protect my children. March 5, 1917

Sunday. Old Mrs. Dolja gave us 70 Bulgarian Levs this morning. Together with the �rewood she gave us before, she has now repaid her entire debt to us. She is an honest woman; she sold her cow because she is no longer allowed to keep it. �e Germans are taking everything. People can’t protest and it’s no use anyway. We borrowed some money today, which we will have to repay as soon as possible. I have a list of people whom we owe and of those who owe us money. March 7, 1917

Monday. �e worn-out Bulgarian soldiers from Vranje le� today. Some of them got drunk and kept singing Serbian songs. �e women are crying, the Gypsy 264

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women are shouting and scolding. �e Bulgarian clerks came out to see them off and mixed in with the women to listen to what they were saying. �e singer who carried the banner on Cyril and Methodius’ Day carried the banner again. �e Greeks also le�. One of their drunken soldiers sang, “King Pero, may God protect you.”1 �is evening Jova read the newspaper to see what’s going on in Russia.2 �ey say the English are responsible for everything. Jova tells me about the psychological pressure he has to endure at the office. He says the secretary harasses our poor people all the time. March 15, 1917

Wednesday. With Jova’s help I whitewashed the rooms and the dining room and cleaned and scrubbed everything. I only have the laundry to do now. On Saturday Bulgarians searched the houses. Our new tenant, the teacher Jelisaveta, and I went to the market, and the children got scared when they came home and saw seven soldiers inside. �ey were looking for weapons and Serbian books. �ey didn’t �nd anything. �ey took some medical books, may they all die of plague. �ey took all the Serbian books from the neighbor’s house. March 26, 1917

�e days go by, our problems are ge�ing bigger. �ere is more and more poverty. I have a lot of work all day and people are constantly coming to visit. I spent all day yesterday sewing and crying. I took an old shirt Jova used to wear in the garden and made a pair of trousers and a hat for Nenad. My heart breaks when I start thinking what might happen to the children. My sweet Jova came from the municipality and said he had a terrible headache. He ate a li�le, lay down, and then at two o’clock went back to work. He looks pale and ill. He sits in that dark and damp office. It will completely ruin his health. In addition to all that, he has to listen to that secretary torturing people, and be quiet and answer only when he’s asked. �is is the last straw for him, but he has to put up with it for the sake of our children. I see how unhappy he is, and how his health 1 2

Pero is a nickname for Peter, Serbia’s king. �e February Revolution broke out in Russia on February 23 (March 8 according to the new calendar), 1917. By March 2, the situation had ballooned out of the control of the Tsarist regime and Nicholas II abdicated the throne, bringing to an end 300 years of rule by the Romanov dynasty. Over the next seven months, a provisional government made up of moderate centrists and le�ists would a�empt to steer Russia through the continuing war and its �rst experiment with democracy.

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is going to ruin, and am worried about him. �is evening Jova said everybody received their salary at the municipality except for him. He hasn’t been registered anywhere, so the secretaries began to argue about it, and even scolded the female typist for failing to do it. Jova said, “I didn’t say anything to all that.” He doesn’t want to say anything, whether he gets anything or not. I think I would prefer they didn’t register him so that he didn’t have to go to work anymore, because ever since he began going to that damn municipal building he looks like a ghost. �is evening he complained of being cold. �is morning I boiled some herbs for him. Dragan is learning French. A�er lunch a former Serbian reserve officer and an invalid came to see us. He says there are a lot of Bulgarian and Turkish soldiers in town. Our tenant, Jelisaveta, and I mended our children’s clothes while he sat with us, and we all complained. �is evening young Heinrich, our neighbor’s orderly, told us he was going to the front line. He had his medical today and found out he wasn’t healthy, but they are sending him anyway. He is a good boy. He protected us and always brought gasoline to us in exchange for using our saw and sawhorse. Jova says a lot of soldiers are stealing things in town. �ey snatched six kilos of �our from a boy’s hands. �ere is no �our anywhere. �is morning my midwife came. She thinks the delivery is going to be soon. I am waiting prepared. I still have some things to do for Easter for the children to bring us luck. March 29, 1917

Wednesday. Jova is si�ing on the bed with Mirko, kissing him. He looks at his legs and sighs, wishing he were healthy. I watch them both and my heart aches with sadness and pain. Jova went to the municipality, although he still hasn’t received his salary. Oh, if only I had been stronger to make him go with the soldiers, he wouldn’t have to suffer like this. But the children and I would not have survived without him. March 31, 1917

�is morning I bathed and changed all the children. We put on our mended and redone clothes. Danko and Mila don’t have any shoes. I gave Mila my shoes and put on a pair of tennis shoes. �e children all look like skeletons. Jova spent the entire day today at the municipality as well. I am surprised they are working on this holiday as well. �ere isn’t any news. My delivery is near. So far every time I’ve had to give birth, I’ve had my sisters Juca and Bela around to help me. But this 266

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time they aren’t here. I can imagine how worried they are now when they don’t have any news from us. When I work I forget all my troubles, but when holidays roll around, I want to go crazy. �e whole town got two liters of gasoline, a kilo of wheat �our and a quarter of a kilo of sugar from the municipality. It’s be�er to get something than nothing. We paid 15 Levs for everything. My leg hurts a lot. I scratched my swollen veins so much they started bleeding, so I now have a wound and walk with difficulty. �e weather is beautiful. We sowed some vegetables again in the garden. We also have ten hens and a rooster. �e hens laid seven eggs yesterday and today. Mila took Mirko in her arms and went with Nenad and Danko to church to kiss the cloak.3 My sweet children. �ey le� in mended clothes, but their hearts are pure. �ey don’t mind being naked and barefoot but are proud to be like that. Not like that girl in town who goes out spruced up from head to toe, wearing a pink dress. �is is probably her way of showing she feels sorry for Serbia and her father who is at war. I won’t go anywhere because it hurts me to watch the enemy (let alone some of our crazy women) celebrate in these difficult times. Around four o’clock an aircra� �ew towards the railway station. Dragan cut Jova’s hair. Jova coughs a lot. Dear God, please keep him alive, so that we can live in happiness once again when our forces come back. Easter

I am still pregnant. Nobody came to visit except for two poor children, who came in the morning, and two German officers, who came to see our tenant Jelisaveta and therefore dropped by our house as well. I am in a very bad mood. �e children are calculating how long it has been since their aunts came to visit. It’s be�er for the aunts not to see them like this. Danko has no shoes, Mila is wearing mine, and I am wearing tennis shoes. Dragan is wearing Jova’s shoes, and Nenad a pair of worn-out shoes. �ey are all wearing rags and look like real paupers. Our stomachs are full, that’s true, but our hearts are empty. �e newspaper has printed a few versions of the peace agreement. I don’t think I will live to see it. Foreign music is playing near the monument. �e town is full of new soldiers. �ey chased everybody out of the house across the street and set up a hospital there.

3

Here Natalija is referring to the symbolic act of kissing Jesus’ cloak carried out during the processional before Easter.

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April 4, 1917

Jova read in the newspaper that America is preparing for war. Jova went to the municipality today as well since they don’t have any holidays. Our former German tenant came and said that the German officers were informed at eight o’clock last night that Russia and Germany had signed a separate peace agreement. I told him I don’t believe it. Jova said at noon that the Bulgarians are rejoicing at the news and now have 40 days of cease-�re. Jova says that’s impossible, but we’ll see. If it’s true, the Russians will only prolong the war.4 April 6, 1917

�ursday. At seven o’clock this morning I gave birth to a daughter, like a Bosnian, without the help of a midwife. I got up a�er six. My stomach started to hurt. I thought it was from constipation so I gave myself an enema. I sat down on a chamber pot and my water broke. I felt contractions and shouted to Jova, “I am delivering the baby!” I rushed over to the bed, which I had already prepared, and as soon as I lay down I felt the second contraction and the baby’s head came out. I screamed to Jova to call our tenant Jelisaveta. She came running in wearing only a nightgown, saw what was going on, and went back to put on a skirt, but by that time the baby was already out. I sent Dragan to get the midwife, and we waited, with Jelisaveta holding the umbilical cord. I noticed something hard in my stomach and said, “�ere is another one coming.” Everybody looked at each other. �e midwife arrived, tied the umbilical cord, and �rst took care of me and then the child. �ere was no second baby, only the placenta. �ank God I had such an easy delivery. April 7, 1917

Jova took a train around eight o’clock west to Priboj. Yesterday I got gi�s from my neighbors—desserts, wine, a blouse and socks for the baby, a towel, and a handkerchief. �is morning I got up and went to the kitchen, while Jelisaveta cleaned my room. My heart breaks when I watch Mirko trying to get on his feet. Nenad tells him, “Look, the baby can move its legs too.” Mirko replied, “I can also move one leg.” 4

�e news of America’s preparation for war turned out to be accurate. On April 2, 1917, President Woodrow Wilson asked a joint session of Congress for a declaration of war against Germany, and it acceded to his request on April 6. Rumors of Russia’s separate peace with Germany, on the other hand, were, for now, just rumors. Despite continuing losses on the ba�le�eld and increasing problems with morale and high desertion rates, Russia’s provisional government remained loyal to its allies.

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My sweet child, as soon as I am on my feet again I will give you baths and nurse you again. I have to get up as soon as possible, because the children are all alone in the house. Jova isn’t here either. April 8, 1917

Jova still hasn’t returned—I am worried about him. �e baby is crying. I got up too weak and exhausted. Mirko turned three today. It’s a sad birthday. Our tenant Jelisaveta brought him a ball. She got angry that I won’t let her sleep at my place, but I feel bad that she has to spend all day on her feet because of me. She should at least get some rest at night. I miss my family, and Jova hasn’t come back yet. It’s only been two nights since my delivery. April 9, 1917

Sunday. �e baby slept well last night, so I also managed to get some rest. Jova didn’t come last night either. I sent Nenad and Dragan to �nd out what happened to him. �en Jova returned before noon. He didn’t want to enter the carriage at the invitation of the Bulgarian commander who was returning from Banja, but came on foot. Before he arrived, his Bulgarian colleague Filipov came over. Jelisaveta was here too and we discussed the situation. He blames the Serbs for everything. Jelisaveta jumped to her feet, red like a lobster, and gave him the third degree: “If your Ferdinand wasn’t German, there would not have been such bloodshed.” She told him she was Macedonian and that Macedonia wants autonomy now, rather than to be under Bulgarian rule. She said she went to see her mother in Ohrid but was thrown out by the Bulgarians. “You must have sympathized with the Serbs,” he said, and she replied, “I don’t want to hide this fact, I have been living in Serbia for the last 20 years and am a teacher in Belgrade. None of the Serbs ever offended me or hurt me, so I think only the best of them.” �e man opened his mouth wide and kept turning around, hoping Jova would soon arrive. Jova came home dead tired, and the Bulgarian le�. Jova says they went to the station together and then the Bulgarian got on the train and Jova, like any other slave, went on to Priboj on foot. He told us a lot about the road and the way things were along the way. “It wasn’t difficult for me to walk. What was difficult was to walk through the village with the enemy. I had to watch what was being done, but I am now happy and consoled because I saw that our people would rather die and eat grass than give up. Everybody is holding up heroically, except for the serfs.” 269

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�is is why he refused to sit down in a carriage with the Bulgarian and instead returned home on foot although he was dead tired. April 13, 1917

Jova says he signed the second payroll list today but still hasn’t received his salary. I am angry he keeps signing it. I am not feeling well. I got out of bed too soon. Mila’s health will be ruined. She is constantly on her feet, and she is inside the house. She has lost some weight and looks pale. Where are her aunts now to see how their favorite niece is suffering? Hopefully the baby and Mirko won’t remember such suffering. Our former tenant Heinrich talks about a strike at the weapons factories in Germany.5 April 14, 1917

Monday. �e weather is beautiful and the baby is growing up. We measured her this morning and she weighs 3.25 kilos and is 0.5 meters long. She is tiny but spry. I did a li�le bit of laundry, but my back still hurts. April 15, 1917

Jova returned from the municipality and reported that he had been �red. I feel sorry because he is suffering, but I don’t mind. He had no business being there. He got 150 Levs for everything he has done until now, but they didn’t give him anything for April. As soon as they handed him a le�er of resignation, he collected his rulers and le�. He didn’t even say anything to anybody. Today Olga came to see Jelisaveta and told her she had heard all the Serbs would be �red from their jobs. Jova didn’t know how to speak Bulgarian, and he didn’t want to either, so they �red him. I have been crying all morning, my head hurts from it. I watch Jova water the garden through the window, and the clothes just hang on him. �e baby rests in my arms. We are running out of money. I have to sell some things again. I bought a Serbian primer for Nenad yesterday so that he can study.

5

�e Russian Revolution of 1917 sparked the �rst armaments strikes in Germany in March and April of 1917, involving over 300,000 workers. �e situation became even more volatile following the United States’ entry into the war. Workers demanded not only increased pay and improved working conditions, but also such political changes as an end to censorship and suffrage reform. �e German government’s immediate response was to send 40,000 of the strikers to the front lines of ba�le.

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April 21, 1917

�ey called Jova to come back to the municipality. �ey informed him that they would give him the salary they owe him for April. �ey say there is a rebellion in Germany, which is why we haven’t been ge�ing any newspapers for the past three days. We have again started to bathe Mirko in walnut leaves soaked in water. Dear God, please help this child to start walking. �ey say that half the Turks who le� for the front line yesterday have �ed into the woods. April 23, 1917

Yesterday a�ernoon I dropped by the neighbor’s. �ere was a Bulgarian soldier and musician there, and in the conversation he tried to prove how uncivilized and chauvinist the Serbs are. �e Serbs may be bad but the Bulgarians are a hundred times worse in every respect. �e Bulgarian said the Serbs had also been created by Russia, and I blew up. I told him there was no need for anyone to create us, and Russia only foiled all our struggles to help the Bulgarians. We are a self-created nation. Jova received some money from the municipality. I am grateful for it because we have no means to support ourselves, but I’m glad he doesn’t work there anymore. April 30, 1917

Sunday. I am lying in bed; I haven’t been feeling well since last night. My whole body hurts. I feel terribly hungry and suspect malaria, but perhaps I’ve also caught a cold.6 I feel very bad, but what are the children and the baby to do? I have recently been giving them beatings for any li�le thing. It is as if I were suspecting something bad would happen, so they won’t know how much I love them and that it’s killing me that they are wasting their time like this without work or supervision. My nerves and body are worn out, and I simply don’t have the energy to entertain them, though they need it. �ey need both work and fun, like they used to have. Now they are le� to their own devices and I don’t know what will become of them if I never get out of bed again. What can my sweet Jova do, when he is weak and worn out himself ? 6

A disease spread by Anopheles mosquitoes, malaria is caused by a parasite that can be transmi�ed from person to person in a mosquito-friendly environment. Some of the more obvious symptoms include fever, diarrhea, and yellowing of the skin, but it can also produce violent chills, anemia, and exhaustion. �e liver and spleen can enlarge as the infection continues. Quinine is used as a cure for malaria and can be taken to prevent the disease when living in an infested area. By 1937, an effective vaccine was developed that stopped the spread of malaria in nontropical regions.

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Dragan, our �rst joy and happiness, worries me the most. He is smart and talented but has go�en lazy recently and doesn’t think about the fact that once we are gone he will be the one responsible for all the children. Danko is fragile and always cold. Now they all protest when they have to do something. I know this isn’t easy for them, but can’t they see that Jova and I are working hard as if we were servants, and take it all stoically because of them, to keep them alive until the end of this misfortune. And Nenad, my obedient Nenad, is almost ruined without school and instruction. He has taken to the streets and I’m afraid there’s no rescue. If only I had more time and energy, he would again be a good child. My Mila, my li�le assistant, works hard doing the laundry and other kinds of house chores, and even kneads the bread regularly. Today she made it herself. She washes the dishes, cleans the rooms, does the laundry, cleans, does anything whatsoever. She never complains, never takes a break, because she is constantly carrying Mirko around. She doesn’t wait for him to start complaining that nobody wants to take him outside, but bursts into tears like I do and immediately picks him up. She is giving him a bath in walnut leaves water right now. By May 15 he will have had almost 40 baths. We should also take him to the spa, but how, how? My sweet Mirko, our favorite child, you are our open wound. I would give everything for your legs to heal; that would be like new life to us. We would feel born again. Dear God will make it happen because of your sweet daddy who suffers so much because of this. May these lines be a kind of plea to you, my children, that you won’t ever be unfair to anybody, that you won’t ever touch anything that isn’t yours, that you won’t lie or gossip and that your whole life will be dedicated to doing good for your loved ones, and that God helps your brother walk again. �e only argument I had with your father was that I always felt he loved you more than he loved me, and if that hadn’t been the fact I wouldn’t have loved him as much. I was always nervous and grumpy and wasn’t able to show you my love, my children, but I always loved you, even when I scolded you the most. I hide from you the fact that I cry when I watch you wearing rags and other people’s clothes and thank God that you aren’t hungry yet. We do our utmost to feed you. How much pain and humiliation we have both suffered, only to keep you alive, my sweet ki�ens. Jova is bringing water and picking walnut leaves for Mirko’s bath tomorrow. Mila is feeding Mirko and the baby is asleep. I am lying in bed coughing, my chest and back hurt, and every move I make hurts as well. If only I could live long enough to hand you over to your aunts to take care of you. I feel I’m very sick but 272

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drag myself around the house and work. I eat for the baby’s sake and feel that my health is completely ruined. Last night Heinrich said that guerilla �ghters have appeared again. He o�en comes to sit with the children and talk to Jova. Jova is teaching him Serbian. He said the Bulgarians in a nearby town slaughtered all the people because of the guerilla �ghters. Over the last couple of days we have again been hearing cannon �re from morning till evening. May 2, 1917

Tuesday. �is would be funny if it weren’t tragic. What did the guerilla �ghters do, when the Germans got so scared? We thought when the German, Leopold, told us about the guerilla �ghters it was only rumor, but the children came from town later on and said the drum had announced that nobody was allowed to leave the town, and that all those found on the street a�er eight o’clock would be shot. Last night Leopold told us the guerilla �ghters are in the vicinity of Vranje and that Germans and Bulgarians have encircled the town. Everybody working in the offices and all the orderlies have been assigned weapons and ammunition and orders to go to designated places if they receive a signal, because there might be some combat around the town tonight. If guerilla �ghters enter, Germans will shell the town. We didn’t believe it and laughed at their fear. Leopold says when he was on duty on Sunday an enemy car drove up to their training ground, looked around, and then turned back. We said this was impossible, but that made him angry, and he insisted he was telling the truth. Who knows if it is true or not, or whether they just panicked for nothing? But there must be something going on; all of this can’t be for nothing. On Sunday I saw a dead Bulgarian they brought to the hospital. Leopold says two Bulgarians and ten Germans have been killed, but who knows how, and who are these people they call guerilla �ghters? All I know is that it’s bad because there won’t be anything at the market, and we are already running out of food. �e mayor yesterday bi�erly a�acked women who came to the municipality to ask for bread, accusing them of feeding Serbian guerillas and tramps. I am only afraid that they might round up all the local men. Jova’s le�er of dismissal says, “�e employee doesn’t speak the official language.” I don’t want him to speak Bulgarian even if we starve to death. I haven’t heard anything from my family. Leopold is leaving for Germany tomorrow. I will give him a le�er to take to our friend in Belgrade, who will then try to get it to my family somehow. 273

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May 3, 1917

Wednesday. Some kind of sadness came over me today when I looked at my poor children; tears came to my eyes. Our tenant Jelisaveta scolds me for not looking a�er myself. �is morning Jova had to go to the municipality for some kind of evaluation. �ey now want him to work for them for free, and some time ago they threw him out. While he sat in the Bulgarian official’s office, he heard that some 400 guerilla �ghters had come down from the hills, killed some guards, and destroyed two bridges. �ey told a woman to tell the commander they were going to Vranjska Banja, where they would wait for combat. A�er that they disappeared from the face of the earth. �e Bulgarians claim there are Serbs, Turks, and Macedonians among them. If all this is true, they’ve pulled off quite a maneuver given the number of troops stationed here. May 7, 1917

Sunday. I heard yesterday that the Bulgarians will intern men aged 17 to 70. It’s always the same, fear in addition to all the other troubles, but that must be God’s will. If they take all the men, Jova should also go, and then God will look a�er them. I still hope they won’t dare to do that, because it might back�re. �is morning I looked for lard. Slaughtering of animals is prohibited and one can only buy meat from the butchers. But around six o’clock when most people came there was no meat le�. �ose privileged among us had taken all the beef. �anks to the storeowner, I managed to get hold of some lamb. I was in the garden with the baby until now. We were si�ing in the grass with our Mirko. �e days are beautiful, and he, the poor thing, can’t go anywhere from the blanket. He crawls on the blanket, while I sigh and hide my tears. Jova is pu�ing in beanpoles. Watching Mirko, Jova sighs as well. Nobody came to see us today. I am calm now and don’t feel like running around the house. May 9, 1917

Nice rain, at least we’ll have some use from it. Today the poor are ge�ing two kilos of corn from the municipality, but we don’t count as poor and therefore didn’t get anything. �e Italians have launched an offensive. If only they launched it all together. �is way they seem only to be playing a game.7 7

�is would have been the Tenth Ba�le of the Isonzo River (located in present-day Slovenia) against AustroHungarian troops in May 1917.

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Jova and Natalija with their children, Vranje, 1917: Mila and Dragan standing; Nenad and Danko seated, with Milica and Mirko in their laps.

May 14, 1917

Bulgarians celebrated their Cyril and Methodius’ Day as the Day of Bulgarian Teachers. I went when the ceremony was already over. Jova told me the headmaster of the grammar school gave a speech. A�er lunch the students and the female teacher carried a church banner around the town. Saturday went by without any groceries or peasants. Everything is terribly expensive. I have been going to butchers’ shops since �ve o’clock this morning but haven’t found any meat. We called the priest to baptize our baby. She got her grandmother’s name, Milica. �e priest wanted to give her a saint’s name, but her godmother, our tenant Jelisaveta, didn’t allow it. She wanted a Serbian name. We all had lunch together. It wasn’t much of a feast compared to earlier baptizing ceremonies, but thank God we had this much. A�er lunch we all had pictures taken. May 21, 1917

Heavy rain, which is worth its weight in gold. At least we’ll have enough potatoes in our garden in a couple of weeks so that we can stop eating cabbage. We can’t buy anything else. �ey have prohibited the slaughtering of all ca�le. 275

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My sweet Jova is coughing again. May God protect his health. I make an effort to protect him from suffering and worrying as much as possible, because it might ruin his health completely. Bulgarian teachers are organizing a concert at the school today with the children. �ey invited us, but we didn’t go because they charged an entrance fee and because we don’t feel like a�ending concerts right now. It’s pouring rain, so many will have an excuse not to go. May 23, 1917

Seven years ago today Jova and I were in So�a and Constantinople. We were happy and overjoyed, and today, he, the poor thing, spent the whole day dragging manure out of the stables and cleaning it with the children, as well as sorting things out in the laundry room. I went to my room, rocked my li�le Milica, and cried. Because of this general misfortune, everything has gone bad. �e children, le� to their own devices, refuse to listen. If they do listen, they grumble, and don’t obey willingly. We are all unhappy and ill-tempered. Even Mila started acting like the boys. True, she does carry a large share of the work, but the pain I feel when she starts to sulk is even bigger. Jova is too cold with everybody. He no longer kisses me goodnight or showers any affection on me. He does love me, I know that, but that’s not what I’m looking for and long for the most. �at’s not what would make the days sweeter even in the hardest of times. I don’t get anything in return for my deep love for him and the children except normal marital love. I always dreamt of something more, something that would give me strength to endure everything. I don’t know myself what’s bothering me; perhaps my nervousness is to blame. I have been denied everything, because nobody at home, including Jova, understands what I feel. I need affection and love from all of them. I want them to show it to me, because I’m tired of my own resignation and dissatisfaction. Perhaps I also made mistakes in my treatment of them, but I did it out of spite when I was offended by their neglect of me. I blow up and yell like the worst peasant woman, and a�erwards want to die from sadness and regret, trying to �nd reasons for my behavior. Every time I reach the same conclusion, namely, that Jova does not show any affection to me, and that’s what I need the most at the moment. Our natures are in opposition. He is cold, although his love is well thought-out and deep. He doesn’t want to show his affection and believes this isn’t the right time for love, that it’s even inappropriate now, and that the main thing is to care for our children. He believes that we are perfect for each other as we are and don’t need to show and 276

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emphasize our love when there are greater problems to solve. But I, the passionate dreamer, want more from my husband exactly at this point because it would help me endure all this. Jova doesn’t understand that and thinks this passion is inappropriate now. Despite all our troubles, I am always ready to make him fall in love with me again, and he believes that’s immature of me now. I get disappointed every time and leave him cold and serious. He doesn’t understand that if he showed me even the slightest bit of affection, I would feel stronger and more able to cope with all the misfortunes. He doesn’t love any other woman but me; I know that. Only he loves the children, the house, and the work around the house, his profession and his duty, and thinks that I need to know that he loves me, and that that’s enough for a happy marriage. I have always shown him more affection than he does me, but he either can’t or won’t understand that I want more affection now to make up for everything else. Everything else is hard, too hard, this enslavement, poverty, Mirko’s illness, uncertainty. �at’s exactly why I need more from my loved ones, to keep me from giving up and to give me the strength to cope with my fate, but they don’t understand it. �en I sulk and everything becomes even worse and more difficult. It’s a beautiful day, the sun is shining a�er yesterday’s rain; our garden will come to life again. May 26, 1917

All the children begged me to go pick cherries. I let them go. �ey all went barefoot, even my Mila, though the place isn’t that close. �ey will cut their feet on thorns and rocks. Leopold came from Germany yesterday. He gave my le�er to our friend. He seems broken. He didn’t laugh once, which is unusual for him. He says the situation was never this sad in Germany. He says the same of Belgrade. �is morning I offered our Turkish carpet to a German who buys these kinds of things. Mila cried for Grandmother’s rug, but what can I do? We need to eat and don’t have much else. Grandma will forgive us and will even be glad it if it keeps us alive. My breasts were hurting all night. May 30, 1917

Tuesday. I received a card from my sister Bela yesterday, a�er four months. She doesn’t like the fact that I never mention her �ancé Milan. My dear Bela, can you doubt that I am happy about your happiness? It’s just that my own suffering is so great, I have forgo�en about everything else. We also received a card from Jova’s 277

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brother Luka. He says the Serbian Society from Paris sent him tea, biscuits, coffee, and money through the Serbian Red Cross. Bela also sent him money. June 3, 1917

Saturday. I returned from town hungry and tired from looking for barley, and Jova said to me, “Are you hungry already?” �is, from he who used to force me to eat whenever I was breastfeeding! I gave Mirko a piece of cornbread with bu�er and ate a piece of cornbread myself. �en Nenad came asking for a piece of cornbread as well. I chased him away, telling him dinner will be soon, and then went into the room wringing my hands and crying over not being able even to give them plain bread now. Nenad le�. Jova also went out into the garden. He leaves whenever Mirko and I eat so that he won’t be tempted to take something as well. Mila is asking who took the piece of cornbread she saved for later. Nenad must have eaten it. How we used to feed them! How we used to educate them and nurture them, and now? �ey all take it stoically and suffer in silence when we tell them there isn’t any food. What else can they do? We are running out of �our, lard, �rewood, and sugar, not to mention our clothes. I never cared that we didn’t have nice clothes, because I don’t think one should wear nice clothes now when people are poor and we are enslaved. But not being able to give the children a piece of bread, that’s terrible. �ese are the challenges that make me crazy. I watch Dragan in somebody else’s shirt. �ey are all dressed in rags and have no shoes. Dear God, please put an end to this suffering, so that I don’t have to watch them hungry as well. �e baby is lying next to me, waving her arms and kicking. She coos and screams and laughs at my tears. Our sweet baby, she is some kind of consolation now. But what kind of life is she going to have? In order to feed her I need to eat instead of le�ing the children eat. And every bite I take sticks in my throat. We can’t afford to buy milk as well. �e chickens are squeaking and dying off because they have no food. We don’t have anything to feed the pigs either, but Jova takes care of that somehow. He is suffering a great deal. He takes Mirko and walks to the far end of the garden under the mulberry tree and sits there with him for hours on end, silent and desperate. I see it all, but I pretend not to see it, because that would only make it worse June 5, 1917

Mila has been coughing for a while now. She is worn out and has no clothes. I took off my shoes and gave them to her. I decided to take the amount the German 278

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is offering for Grandmother’s carpet. For that money I will repair the children’s shoes and buy myself a new pair. �ey �red my Jova from the municipality and we lost a source of income, but his heart couldn’t bear learning Bulgarian just to please them. He remained a Serb, my sweetheart, even if we should suffer because of it. I feel the same and wouldn’t love him as much if he were different. June 7, 1917

We have been feeding our baby with fried corn �our boiled in water since yesterday. She sleeps all night and is healthy. Around four o’clock this a�ernoon there were three large rain showers. �at will be good for the garden. It’s hard to get groceries and wheat. �ere is still an order that those who have goats must give three kilos of cheese for the army. Yesterday and the day before yesterday we heard cannons. Today Dragan put on a neighbor’s old pants, which I altered to suit him. My oldest son was as happy as if he had go�en a new suit June 14, 1917

�e doctor’s orderly says they are taking the bells off all the churches in Germany for cannons and ammunition. He also said his mother thinks the war will go on for two or three more years. July 3, 1917

Days are going by, I keep �lling out more notebooks with the same old troubles that won’t go away. Today Jova and Dragan went to the municipality to ask permission for the children to go to Arandjelovac. I received several cards from my sister Bela recently. She writes that she can’t wait for the children to come. �e mayor asked Jova why he has to send the children and who is staying behind. He said he is sending only three, while the other three are staying, and that he’s sending them because we can’t feed them. �e mayor then told Jova to come back to work at the municipality. He will go, of course, since otherwise those of us who are staying here will die of hunger. It’s hard to work for the enemy, but it is even more difficult to beg for alms. He will do what they say, and won’t mix with them, only so that we can survive, us and our li�le ones. July 6, 1917

A�er all my tears and desperation on Tuesday as I was watching Jova fade away from depression and hopelessness, a ray of joy has shone upon us, as yet another proof that God hasn’t le� us. �e child of the woman pharmacist came 279

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and brought a le�er sent through a Serbian soldier from Austria. He did many Serbs in Vranje a favor by carrying le�ers and news, although the Bulgarians keep threatening him. He brought us a le�er from a friend and in it some money. Soon a�er Jova went to the municipality to take out a travel permit for the children and was told he had been reappointed conductor at the municipality. �ank God, let him work and be busy. It will keep his mind off his troubles. It’s been two days since he’s been measuring the streets in town with Danko for some plan. At least he’s doing something. We have to stop eating this barley. It’s making us all feel weak. Our name day is in a few days. How are we going to celebrate it in these rags and with no shoes? It doesn’t ma�er, I told the children. Our hearts are pure. �ere is nothing we should be ashamed of on our name day. Dear family patron saint, the only thing we wish for is for our Mirko to walk again. My sweet puppy, he is crawling in the hallway, and my heart breaks when I watch him like this. I still hope he will walk again and that some cure will be found to help him. Today our Milica is three months old and she weighs 5.5 kilos. She is a li�le sweetheart and the only thing that brings a smile to her parents’ faces at the moment. She still sleeps all night, is quiet, and cries only when she’s been hungry for a long time. I don’t swaddle her anymore. She brings us as much joy as poor Mirko brings us sadness. Not a day goes by that I don’t look at him and cry. July 7, 1917

A�er lunch, Jova went to Raška, a town about 40 kilometers to the north, on account of a bridge. How will he, my sweet soul, walk so far, worn-out and exhausted as he is? I want to scream from pain when I watch him. Last night I dreamt he was throwing Mirko’s shoe at me, chasing me out of the house. Perhaps he blames me for Mirko’s illness, but how can that be my fault? July 16, 1917

We will celebrate our slava only with our closest family members so that the children will see that the ritual has been carried out. We have to borrow some money so that I can take Mirko to the spa. I can’t let another year go by without Mirko receiving any treatment. July 19, 1917

I can barely walk around the house from the pain in my lower back. It is terribly hot, and there is a lot of work. May our dear God put an end to all this soon. 280

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Tomorrow is our slava. Oh, how we used to celebrate it before, and how are we celebrating it now? �is morning, with the last of the white �our, I made some cake for the children, to bring them luck. I also made meringue. From brown �our I made a skin�int apple pie as well as pumpkin pie. �e milk curdled, so I used it all for the pumpkins. We used to throw it away, but now we use everything. Oh, how poor we are, but it could be even worse. Although we now live quite primitively, there is still a lot of work to be done, because there are many of us. We made soup from a sheep’s head today; I used to wonder why the Gypsies were buying sheep’s heads. I bought a pair of low shoes today. I’ve given mine to Mila, because she didn’t have any. Jova replaced the soles and heels on his shoes, so we’ve now spent all the money we got for the carpet and Mirko’s silk that we sold. Dragan has gone searching for �our at a mill several towns away without a permit. I hope nothing happens to him. July 20, 1917, St. Elijah’s Day

May our slava bring us joy, so that we don’t have to celebrate it under occupation again. �e children are worn-out and barefoot. We bought a candle for two German marks. Jova lit it when we sat down to have lunch. He crossed himself and with the children broke up the cake made of brown �our. Li�le Mirko says, “�is is bread, not cake.” �ank God that Dragan has returned from the mill. He milled the �our all night and headed home �rst thing in the morning. I cried when I saw him tired and dusty as he was. I bought one liter of red wine. It wasn’t good quality. It tastes bi�er, but I bought it for luck to pour over the cake. If anyone comes to visit, they will have to excuse us. We now live on borrowed money and can’t afford any luxury. Jova spent the morning at the office and will go back in the a�ernoon. He didn’t mention his slava to the Bulgarians, because we would have had to invite them as well, and we don’t need their company. I don’t hate them, I don’t hate anybody, but I don’t like them either. �ey are the cause of everything. I doubt anyone will come at all, except for a few of our closest friends. I sent the conductor woman who has seven children a li�le money for luck. I would give her more if I could, but we don’t have enough for ourselves. July 23, 1917

I le� Jova and the children and took Mirko and Danko with me to the spa. We arrived today. An old man took us in a carriage that was transporting garbage. �e drive was pleasant because it was cloudy and it wasn’t so hot. But it was painful for 281

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me to look at all those places we once passed through happily. When we reached the iron bridge, my eyes �lled with tears and I remembered when Jova was building it and when it was �nished. He hurried to lay concrete and get it painted so that we could leave Vranje. �e paintwork wasn’t even �nished when the Bulgarians entered the town. �e Bulgarian soldier asked for a travel permit, making my arrival at the spa even worse. I read the new signposts: “Victory Walk,” “Empress Eleonora Boulevard,” “Emperor Ferdinand’s Hospital,” etc. I saw them seated in front of the café as if they owned the place, while we drove by like paupers si�ing on bundles and a trough, dragging a trailer with a bucket of garbage behind us. We looked like Gypsies, but everywhere we saw other women, equally worn-out and poor, carrying sacks of �our on their backs. July 24, 1917

�e doctor examined my Mirko and said he should not get mud treatment or baths, because it won’t do him much good but will harm me. He examined me as well and recommended the most serious treatment. He gave me arsenic and bromine. I was devastated when I saw how much money I had spent. I need to let Jova know to see what he will say to all this. July 28, 1917

I have been bathing Mirko in the mud in the river since yesterday. Jova wrote that I should stay and get at least 20 baths. It’s difficult to �nd food and good milk for the baby, but I’ll cope with anything just to help our Mirko’s recovery. July 30, 1917

Sunday. Mila came from Vranje on foot with our neighbors. We’ve just seen them off. I feel sorry for Mila. We didn’t even have time to talk properly. She told me we received �ve cards from Bela, but they didn’t bring them. I am sad Jova didn’t write me a single line. He is very cold towards me lately. My heart breaks, because I think I am the cause of his troubles. If he hadn’t go�en married, he would now have an easier time. I think he isn’t coping well with working at the municipality. He only does it for me and the children. I am very weak and don’t feel like living anymore, but would feel sorry to leave Mirko ill as he is. Jova always considered me a big child. �is war has destroyed us. What a nice nest we once created and how happy we were. We had dreams and were proud of our children and how good they were. Everything has changed now. �e children are wasting their time without school. 282

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Mirko is ill, and poverty and misfortune have changed us as well. �e cruelty and harshness of this life affect us, and the children are starting to behave the same way as well. Li�le Mica is cooing in the stroller, and Mirko is lying next to me. Everybody has gathered in front of the café in town. �ey are all socializing with the Bulgarians and the Germans. I don’t want to leave the house or socialize with them. Some are driving with the Bulgarians, others with the Germans, whereas we arrived in a garbage cart. August 5, 1917

All the children are still asleep. I dreamt I was driving in a carriage with my oldest sister, Jelka, and the children across some vast plain, and I got lost. Mirko is asleep—his face looks so beautiful. I had to beat him with a stick on the legs yesterday. He didn’t do anything wrong, the doctor told me to do it. But how can I beat a child without being able to tell him why? �e mayor of Vranje has died. �ey buried him near the church and say he has done a lot of good for the town. I don’t know what those good deeds are. While he was mayor, only his friends bene�ted. His good deeds are that he humiliated the Serbian hearts whenever he could. I will never forget his speech last year in Vranje and those offensive and false statements he made about Serbian soldiers. I decided we are going home tomorrow. August 6, 1917

�is morning Jova came with Nenad around eight o’clock. My dear and sweet Jova. I forgot about my illness when I saw him even skinnier than he was when I le�. We poached some eggs and I took some cheese so we had lunch. He sat with us for a while and around �ve o’clock went back to Vranje on foot. He le� Nenad to return tomorrow with us. We didn’t have time to talk very much. �is will be a long night for me. I can’t wait to go home. I have to focus on him now so that he can recover, because he has lost a lot of weight. My sweetheart, we no longer exchange tender words or touch each other in front of the children, but we still exchange secret looks. He looks at me and then looks away as soon as he notices that I’m looking at him. His looks break my heart because I can see all our suffering and pain in them, as if he were asking me what to do and whether we can go on like this. I also watch him constantly. I watch his worn-out body and haggard face, his sunken eyes, and pale mouth. As soon as he notices that I am looking at him, he looks away to avoid seeing my desperation. 283

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August 14, 1917

Nobody asks anymore whether there is any news. We are all broken and worn-out. We are waiting but there is no end. I wrote to Jova’s brother Luka and my sister Bela, but was told I need to write in Bulgarian. Otherwise they throw away the cards. It is very hot. �e municipality gave two kilos of corn per family member. We don’t have any money, and nobody seems to remember to pay us back. August 24, 1917

�ursday. I got a fever last night and felt terrrible all night. �is morning I got up with my back bent because of the pain. I helped Mila �nish all the work. I had just bathed the baby and was going to lie down when Jova came and said they were searching all the houses. We started hiding things as much as we could. People said they are taking away clothes, coats, carpets, and anything else they can lay their hands on. We hid Jova’s coats and a Turkish carpet in the rooms of the Germans who are staying with us. August 26, 1917

Yesterday Bela sent us 1,000 dinars from Belgrade and this morning I received more money at the post office from the Bulgarian Central Bank. It must be from the Red Cross. God has brought us joy right at the moment when we have become penniless. �e Bulgarian bishop arrived in Vranje yesterday. I didn’t go to welcome him but I met him yesterday a�ernoon when he was going to the evening mass. He is a short old man and looks rather stupid, like all the rest of them. I heard that at the church he kept repeating every ten words, “Bulgarian Citizens.” Jova went to church yesterday and said the old man bored everybody to death and also criticized the Serbian administrators for ge�ing the Serbian people into this situation. I will go out today to hear more about him. September 1, 1917

Friday. A cold autumn day with freezing rain. Jova was repairing a bridge all day yesterday. He says he was shaken to see some 30 women carrying sacks on their backs. �ey were carrying �our all the way from Banja at the same time that the old bishop was returning covered in �owers. What a bum. He gets �owers while young people are dying in the trenches like dogs without a single �ower. �e old scumbag is driving around all spruced up like a whore. I would gladly pull out all the hair in his beard. 284

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Bela wrote me today that they have asked my father if he would be willing to take the children. �is means the children will soon get a permit to go. I have been arguing with Danko since this morning, and even beat him and cried because of it. I will be sorry to send them away, but I cannot control them anymore. September 6, 1917

Wednesday. �is morning I received a card from my sister Juca. She also wants the children to come. September 10, 1917

Last night a friend and I discussed whether Macedonians are good Serbs. I criticized them, and she said people from my region, Šumadija, are the real traitors. I don’t know why. September 29, 1917

Friday. Last night it rained a lot. At least the mills will work well. Jova tells me about the Bulgarians having sex with their undersecretary at the municipality. My dear Jova, you now have to work with the worst of them, and you have to put up with it to feed your children. We haven’t received any news or money for a month now and we have spent all we had. I don’t know what would happen to us if Jova didn’t work at the municipality. It’s difficult to knock on other people’s doors and beg for a loan. October 17, 1917

We got three cards from Bela, a le�er and a photograph. Bela looks very thin in the photograph, I am worried about her. It seems that the soldier who was carrying le�ers through the pharmacist woman has been captured. �is will completely sever the connection we had with the families in the northern parts of the country. Dragan has come down with something. He stayed in bed all day. On Saturday he went to work, and on Sunday stayed at home feeling under the weather, and on Monday went to work again. Last night he complained all night of chest pain and had a fever. I put compresses on his chest. �e doctor came and said he either has malaria or in�uenza. We sent his urine to be tested. October 21, 1917

We are out of money again. Jova still hasn’t received his salary. He didn’t even collect the money for shoes, though I noticed that everybody else has. Dragan 285

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brought home his salary, so I bought groceries with that. I also borrowed some money. We received a le�er and a card from my sister Bela and a card from my sister Juca and Jova’s brother Luka. Germans are beating Italians. Yesterday I met two Bulgarian aristocrats at a neighbor’s house. �ey talked about their visit to Belgrade and praised the Serbian welcome. �ey also praised Serbs from other towns. Only in Vranje were they dissatis�ed. As we talked, Mane, the bookseller, arrived and began to speak Bulgarian. One Bulgarian asked him if he was from around here and he said he was. She then asked him if he was Bulgarian. He hesitated, ashamed to say he was Bulgarian in front of me and Jova, so he said he was half-Bulgarian and half-Serb. “How come?” she asked, and asked him what he was before the Bulgarians came. “A Serb,” I said, and she said, “Yuck, you can’t be Bulgarian. You’re a Serb, a Serb.” He replied, “It’s all the same, Serbian or Bulgarian, you only need to change S to B.” “�at’s a different ma�er,” she said. I liked the way she tricked him. It’s wicked what he’s doing. He could have told her at least what he really was. What a scumbag. October 29, 1917

Sunday. �e children got their travel permit. Dragan took their photographs to the command two days ago and the children will leave in ten days. �at is, if we don’t change our minds at the last moment. It will be very hard for me to be separated from them and to let them go alone. November 19, 1917

Monday. We slaughtered our cow yesterday. We got 14 kilos of lard and about 20 kilos of meat, which is wonderful for these circumstances. Jova bought the cow seven months ago, when she was only seven days old. Winter began a few days ago. November 28, 1917

�ere has been a lot of joy and tears these days. �e children have le�. Dear God, please protect my li�le ones during this cold night. Give them strength to endure this long and sad trip and our separation. May they reach their grandfather and aunts healthy and joyful. I am si�ing by the warm stove. Jova has already gone to 286

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bed, because he is worn-out, poor thing. He carried the children’s bags to the station today and was later debarking the wood. Mila and Mirko have gone to bed. Li�le Milica is crying. �is is the �rst time that she has cried in the evening. It’s as if she is also sad that her brothers have le�. I am counting the hours, wondering where they are now. First they are in Stalać, then in Lapovo. �ey must be cold, my li�le ones. A few days ago they received their travel permits and passports. We packed their things, but didn’t let them leave while the days were still warm. Today was the worst day, cold and with a biting north wind. It was so cold we barely managed to walk to the station with their godmother, our tenant Jelisaveta, to see them off. �e train was half an hour late. We only had enough time to put them in their compartment with some neighbor women who were also also going north before the train started. �ey only let us buy the tickets here for part of the trip, but the neighbor women promised to help Dragan buy the tickets for the rest of the trip in Niš. Even so, I am now worried that they might have to stay behind in Niš. I didn’t even have enough time to kiss them good-bye. God, please look a�er them for our later embraces. We came back from the station in the cold and crying. Everything seems empty without them. Hopefully I’ll get the news that they have arrived soon. �en I’ll be happy, because I know it will be be�er for them to be there than here. Nenad, my sweet child, began to cry when he saw me crying. Dragan, my oldest, was serious and sad. �is morning I got an offer from the bank for a large sum of money. Yesterday I got some money in a loan. Are we ever going to be able to return the favor? �e money is arriving and the children have already le�. My sweet li�le ones, we borrowed 100 German marks to pay for their trip, and now we get the money! Everybody is talking about a separate peace with Russia. We think that’s impossible. �at would mean the war would go on even longer, whereas I can’t wait for it end! Now that we received this money, Jova doesn’t have to work at that damn municipality. But how can he quit when they can always make him do forced labor and send him wherever they please? It makes sense for him to keep working there for that kilo of bread we get every day for 0.75 dinars, because there is no wheat, although we now have the money to buy it. We recently got three kilos of wheat per family member and the price keeps going up. In town it is possible to buy �our on the black market for less, but it is very difficult and risky. We don’t have much �rewood le�. It’s already ten o’clock; my li�le ones must now be well on their way. May God let them get off the train safely and �nd some good people with whom they can 287

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spend the night and warm up a bit. I will go see if the moon is shining, so that the children can �nd the road when they get off the train. I can’t lie down although I’m very tired. I keep wondering what they are doing on this cold night. It’s as if I’m listening to hear if they are calling to me to help them. A few days ago I stopped by a neighbor’s house to hear what the news is concerning the Bulgarians. I heard a great deal about the separate peace agreement with Russia. I only laughed at that and said, “I won’t believe it’s over until England lays down its arms.”8 We also talked about Macedonia. Naturally this Bulgarian guy argued that Macedonia is Bulgarian. When I asked him what was going to happen to us, whether we would at least get Bosnia, he said, “�at won’t happen, but the Serbs who want Serbia don’t live in Bosnia anymore. �e ones that are le� like it be�er under Austria.” I blew up and lost control a�er such an offense. I can’t stand him anymore and am surprised that Jova tolerates him. My youngest children are sleeping around me. My li�le Mirko, my sweetheart, watched me cry today and asked, “Why are we having lunch when the other children aren’t all here yet?” He wasn’t in a good mood and ate li�le. He also misses his brothers. If only I could see him cured and walking again. As soon as the frosty days are over, I will bathe and massage him again every day. Later today I went to a neighbor’s slava. �e candle was officially lit and they had a wonderfully decorated cake. All the Bulgarians who were there observed it admiringly and said they liked that Serbian custom. Bulgarian men frequent slavas more than the Serbian men. �e �rst year they threatened to cancel it, and now, whenever there is a slava they simply �ock there. I went outside. �ere is no moon, but the visibility is good because of the snow and the stars. It’s a very cold night, but at least there is no wind. Who knows if it’s the same where the children are? Two years ago it snowed in Belgrade at this time of year, whereas there was no snow in Vranje. May God make it less cold where they are now. God, please protect my li�le ones.

8

�is time Natalija was wrong and the rumors were true. Following the Bolshevik Revolution of October 25 (November 7) 1917, one of Lenin’s top priorities was to extract Russia from the war in accordance with his slogan, “Land, Peace, Bread.” By early December 1917, an armistice meant that the Russian army had ceased �ghting the Germans, and Russia formally withdrew from the war according to the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk, signed March 3, 1918.

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November 29, 1917

It’s still very cold and snowing. We haven’t received any news from Bela and the children. We did laundry today. Yesterday I made a dress for baby Milica from my old housecoat and mended Mirko’s clothes. In the a�ernoon I will go to town to look for material to make a suit for Mirko. �ere is no milk or sugar, and it’s hard to �nd food for Milica. A�er lunch I will go to the hospital to ask the doctor for milk. I would like the hospital to sell me a liter every day. I am worried about the children. Last night I was imagining the worst and almost suffocated from crying. November 30, 1917

Friday. I spent the whole day cleaning the house and then went to town to take my mind off the children. When it became dark I thought I would go crazy. I dreamt about Dragan before dawn and about his eyes being very red. I woke up and thought his eyes must be red from crying. He must have been crying somewhere in the cold with his brothers. Today I received more money from the local bank. Now we have enough money. Yet another reason I regret having sent the children away. Perhaps we could have kept them alive had they stayed here. I looked everywhere in town for sugar and barely managed to �nd three kilos. I bought everything for li�le Milica to have enough for her when it’s so difficult to get milk. I �rst went to the municipality to ask for a kilo of sugar with a coupon. I saw Jova in the yard. He told me not to ask before ge�ing a prescription from the doctor saying I really need it. I didn’t listen to him but went in to the upper �oor. A private caught up with me and didn’t even look at me, although he brushed up against me, and he knows who I am. �is upset me, so I ran out into the street. I agree with Jova’s decision to communicate with these people only officially. I didn’t tell him about this encounter because I didn’t want him to get upset, and instead requested that he ask the mayor himself. He again said no, because he didn’t want the municipality to give him anything if they aren’t giving it to everybody. My Jova is always right. I would prefer they �red him now that we’re again able to make ends meet, but who knows what the future holds? I keep telling him to hand in his resignation, but I’m afraid the military authorities might recruit him out of spite and make him toil for them for free. I am impulsive and don’t think much before I do something, as he does. It is be�er for him to make that decision himself. I have the hiccups. �echildrenmustbearrivingnow,sotheauntsarementioning my name. �e news that stays the longest is the news of the cease-�re between the Germans and the Bulgarians on one side and the Russians on the other. 289

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I wrote a le�er to Dragan, my oldest child. His behavior hasn’t been particularly good recently. I hope this separation will make him wiser. Mirko is very sad. He has lowered his head and keeps thinking about something. A�er lunch he asked me to write the children and tell them to come home immediately. Danko used to make toys for him all the time. Today Mirko told Jova he saw the hills, the Morava River, the bridge, the road, and the forest move when he rode in the cart from the spa. He asked how it was possible that all these things were moving. Our li�le philosopher, our martyr. December 3, 1917

Sunday. It’s been ten days since the children le�, and to me it feels like ten years. I have the pictures we had taken for their passports in front of me. I look at them and cry from pain and worry since we still haven’t heard anything about them. Li�le Milica also stares at the pictures and seems to remember them. I have tied her to a chair and Mirko is entertaining her. Mila is shaving her daddy who has been debarking �rewood until now. We can’t �nd any milk for our li�le Milica. It will be difficult until the neighbor’s cow has its calf. December 6, 1917, St. Nicholas’s Day

I am desperate. We still haven’t heard anything about the children. I dreamt about them last night and thought I would certainly receive the news today, but I haven’t. I am thinking the worst. I wrote my sister Bela again. It’s our godmother’s slava today. Mirko and Mila went to Rakovac. Mila carries Mirko everywhere she goes. I am looking a�er li�le Milica and cooking the beans. Today we are all fasting so that God and St. Nicholas might take pity on Mirko’s legs. I gave him a new pair of trousers. He gazed at them happily but then sadly said, “If only God gave me legs, I could go to the slava myself.” Oh, the pain, seeing his legs like two thin sticks. Why didn’t God make me an invalid instead of him? Yesterday the drum announced that a cease-�re agreement had been signed with the Russians. How upse�ing that news is for us! What bums and traitors those socialists are, supporting German militarism and granting them favors in such difficult times. I still don’t believe that will save those who need to be punished. Today Jova went to repair the bridge on the Morava River with unpaid laborers. Our Bulgarian brothers chose today to announce unpaid labor when so many people are celebrating a religious holiday.

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December 8, 1917

Friday. Yesterday was a day of great happiness for us. We got a card from Bela that the children had arrived safely and another one from Dragan. My sweet oldest son. He is already a man. �ank you, God, for keeping them alive and well. December 25, 1917

I was ge�ing everything ready for the holidays yesterday. �is is our third Christmas under occupation. We spent Christmas Eve with Milica’s godmother, Jelisaveta, and her family at our house. We also invited some other friends. We sca�ered straw all around the house and sang Serbian songs. �e Bulgarian Tsar Ferdinand himself must have heard us, but we didn’t care. �e drum announced that everyone should go to church on New Year’s Day. Some journalist was giving a lecture yesterday trying to prove that Vranje is Bulgarian. �ere were many people there because we were ordered to a�end. I am sorry Jova didn’t tell me I was supposed to go, because it is interesting to hear that kind of stupidity and arrogance. According to Jova, the journalist rambled and made no sense. Yesterday I got a le�er from Dragan. He writes that Nenad and Danko will go to school there. We are happy about that. Our baby Milica is feeling a bit under the weather. It seems that her upper teeth are coming in. It is difficult to feed her now when we don’t have milk from the hospital anymore. She ate beans today. She also fell off the bed and banged herself up good. Otherwise she is a golden child. She keeps playing and singing. I have been talking about my children all day but haven’t received any news from them. We miss them a lot. �is is the �rst Christmas we have spent without them. December 30, 1917

Today there was nothing at the market. I only found a few pears. We eat less bread when we have baked pears. �e baby is sleeping on the bed now. �e stroller is too short for her. As I’m writing this, “God Give Us Justice” and other beautiful Serbian songs are resounding from Jelisaveta’s part of the house. She has guests; her entire family is there. I will now take over our Serbian �ag-bearer made out of lead and put it on the table, to stop us from wanting to sing anymore. We aren’t afraid of the Germans. We kissed the �ag in front of them, but if the Bulgarians see it they’ll take it away from us, so we’ll hide it. Milica doesn’t want to sleep, so I will take her with me and she can carry the soldier �gurine.

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Introduction

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Introduction

Chapter 10.

Endings 1918

Background

T

he year 1918 began with a new round of �erce �ghting in Europe. With Russia out of the war, German soldiers were no longer needed on the Eastern front, allowing the German high command to launch a new assault on the Western front. In March, German troops broke through the trenches and advanced toward Paris. �e French countera�acked in July, and in August British tanks broke the German line at Amiens. As the United States poured troops into France, the Germans were forced to retreat. By October, �ghting neared the German border as a naval blockage caused increasing hardship and starvation for German citizens. Meanwhile, the Austro-Hungarian monarchy was at the point of collapse. Finally, early on the morning of November 11, with the signing of the armistice by the German authorities and the abdication of Kaiser Wilhelm II, the Great War came to an end. Almost 10 million people had been killed and over 20 million wounded. In the Balkans, the disintegration of occupying authority began over the summer. In September, with the Greeks now officially in the war on the Entente side, an Allied offensive was launched from �essalonica. Of the 28 divisions under Allied command, six were Serbian. �e Serbian army quickly broke through the Macedonia front, put Bulgaria out of action, and began liberating the rest of Serbian territory. By October 1, the Serbs had retaken Niš; Belgrade fell to the Serbian army shortly therea�er, prompting the Serbian monarch and government to return to the country. �e question on everyone’s mind, now that Serbia was �nally liberated, was what kind of country would emerge from the ashes of war. Although various politicians such as Serbian Prime Minister Nikola Pašić had endorsed South Slav uni�cation since the beginning of the war, the quick 293

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formation of the new South (Yugo)Slav state, came as somewhat of a surprise. As Serbian troops pushed north, and Austrian authority disintegrated, Croat and Slovene leaders formed the National Council, which began to govern South Slav territories that had formerly been part of the Austro-Hungarian Empire. Euphoric at their sudden rise to power, but also fearful of losing territory and of anarchy, these leaders looked to Serbia to bolster their position with the Allies and to provide military order in the countryside. �ese practical concerns and the genuine enthusiasm of many for the South Slav idea prompted them to endorse the immediate establishment of an independent South Slav state by joining the former Habsburg territories to Serbia and Montenegro. �eir hasty decision, without negotiating the terms of uni�cation, was to have long-lasting consequences for the new Yugoslav state. On December 1, 1918, Council members met Prince-Regent Alexander in Belgrade, where he proclaimed the establishment of the Kingdom of Serbs, Croats, and Slovenes. Natalija and her family awaited the end of the war with an increasing sense of excitement, though the chaos was also frightening at times. By mid-September, German and Bulgarian forces were in retreat all around. On September 12, Kumanovo fell to the Serbs, and the Bulgarian occupying forces le� Vranje shortly therea�er. A period of u�er chaos ensued, compounded by looting and other violence, as all governing authority collapsed. Finally, to Natalija’s relief, Serbian soldiers arrived in Vranje on September 22. �ey brought with them a sense of hope for the future, but also sickness and disease. Natalija and Jova threw themselves into supporting the Serbian war effort and reconstruction, yet the outcome differed from their dream in ways they could not have imagined.

January 12, 1918

We’ve had foggy weather all day and the situation is also foggy. �e weather cleared up yesterday and it started to rain today, but the situation in the war zone is still foggy for the Serbs. Bulgarian and German newspapers write about chaos in Russia, and we don’t know what will happen with the new peace agreement. We have no other news. I received �ve cards from Bela and the children. �e mail is coming now, but it’s very delayed. We have relatives sca�ered all over the place, but it is difficult to �nd out anything about them. We aren’t ge�ing any news from Bosnia now. Nobody can write to us anyway. Even the mail from my family, who are closer, is very delayed. It’s no surprise. �e post offices are swamped with mail. 294

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�e children are doing well, but I can’t wait for this war to end, so that we can be together again and I can repay my family for their love and support. I would like to see Bela happy and help her in that respect. January 18, 1918

�ursday. �ere was another lecture yesterday a�ernoon held by a crippled Bulgarian in civilian clothes with a cross around his neck. Jova says he �rst asked everybody to take off their hats, because he was going to address God. He then talked and rambled so much that those who could understand him found him despicable and those he addressed, namely the children, didn’t even understand him. He said Bulgaria got new borders in the year 1917 and that the year 1918 will bring peace. What a small person. Today all officials in Vranje had to sign a document promising to speak Bulgarian all the time, even privately. �ose caught in breach of this order will be considered traitors and �red. Good, now they have a reason to �re Jova. He can’t speak Bulgarian even officially, and as far as that request for speaking it privately is concerned, they can kiss his ass. Somebody should ask the international peace conference why the Bulgarians need this directive when, according to them, “the inhabitants of Moravska are Bulgarian.”1 When Jova came home today we went to a neighbor’s for his slava. Everybody celebrates their slava; Bulgarians can’t exterminate that custom. We receive several cards from the children every day and from Bela too. �ank God they are well. We got a card from Luka saying that Jova’s oldest brother’s wife died. He is now in a difficult situation, living in a village with two daughters-in-law and a lot of children. Luka writes that two of Jova’s nephews—his brother’s sons, Laza and Dušan— are on the front line, where they have to �ght against their brothers. God, can you see this betrayal? And Duško, their cousin, the son of Jova’s sister, is �ghting in the Serbian army, so brothers are �ghting each other. I will write to Jova’s brother and sister in Bosnia. I bought a military overcoat and a blanket and made a coat for Mila and a skirt for me. We washed the laundry yesterday, and today we rinsed it and hung it out. �e weather is nice. We heard there are massive strikes in Austria and Germany. 1

�e term Moravska is most o�en used to refer to an artistic and architectural style that developed during the rule of Prince Lazar (1371–1389). Geographically, Lazar’s kingdom was centered around the city of Kruševac on the Morava River (approximately halfway from Vranje to Belgrade) and extended to Belgrade to the north and into Kosovo to the southwest. Areas to the south and east of Kosovo were already under O�oman control.

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January 19, 1918

Friday. Mila was supposed to have lessons, but that German, Bruno, came again to see our tenant Jelisaveta (he also came looking for her last night), so we had to move the lesson to the a�ernoon. I am surprised this German bum comes here all the time, married and all. He needs to see a sour face once so he won’t come again. I can’t wait for the summer when we can to go to Banja and avoid these visits. Even in normal circumstances I liked to have peace at home, but may God protect us from this. I can’t go to the hallway without running into some stranger. I have to put up with this because I invited Jelisaveta myself. Jova didn’t want to take anybody except a single German soldier, but I wanted my own people, not foreigners. We then dropped by a neighbor’s for his slava. �ere were a lot of women. One woman, Mrs. Zora, and her daughter related a story about the Bulgarian priest. We all laughed; the priest is indeed a strange person. Mrs. Zora had invited him for their slava and asked him to cut the cake. When he had �nished the ritual Mrs. Zora started talking about a woman who wanted to call her child Srbobran, “He who defends Serbia.” “Why that name?” the priest asked. “Because his godfather has been defending Serbia for three years now. His godson should therefore be called a�er him.” “He can’t get that name. We will call him Bugarobran, ‘He who defends Bulgaria’,” the priest told Mrs. Zora. Mrs. Zora replied, “What a crazy woman anyway to ask for this name while we are still enslaved.” �e priest jumped as if struck by lightning when he heard this and said, “What do you mean enslaved? Are you a slave? Your husband and children are here. �at’s no enslavement. It’s even harder for us Bulgarians. You sit here in your two-story house, and I am far from my own family.” �e priest then developed a theory that Prince Lazar had betrayed the Serbs at Kosovo Polje and that Vranje was always Bulgarian and so on. Mrs. Zora said, “Was King Vukašin not a Serb? How can his own son Marko be Bulgarian according to you?”2 2

Vukašin and Marko were Serbian princes based in Macedonia who ruled brie�y from 1363 to 1371. Vukašin died defending Serbian territory from Turkish invasion in 1371. However, his son, Marko, became a Turkish vassal and had to �ght for the O�oman Empire. He died in 1395 in Romania at the Ba�le of Rovine �ghting on the Turkish side. Prince Lazar succeeded them as the primary defender of Serbian territory. It was he who died at the famous Ba�le of Kosovo Polje on June 28, 1389.

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A�er that the priest got up and le�, and surprise, surprise, no more Bulgarians came to their slava. What a bum that priest is. �ey say a woman wanted to name a child Ružica, but that priest didn’t allow it. Another wanted to name her son Miroslav and he didn’t allow that either, and when one of them wanted to name her son Peter a�er her husband, he got angry and said: “What, you want the name of a Serbian king, Peter?” It was starting to get dark when we le�, and when we got home we found Jova si�ing with a German corporal named Hans. He came to say good-bye last night, but he didn’t leave so he came again this evening. �e municipal undersecretary, a Bulgarian woman, came a�er him, and we soon found out why. He has to leave Vranje but he has fallen in love with her. �ey wanted to see each other and dared to come and my naïve Jova didn’t know how to refuse being a mediator. I was kind to her out of courtesy and habit but she then asked us to ask Hans what his intentions were. I laughed and said, “I don’t trust the Germans.” She can see he is in love with her. If she is also in love with him, why do they need promises and intentions? She justi�ed herself by saying she doesn’t like people who aren’t serious. I wanted to blow up. Why should I, here in my room, in front of my children, and with my sadness, watch a German bum and a Bulgarian woman stare at each other as if we weren’t there? I restrained myself, but said it’s easy for them to fall in love when they are free. She said I had experienced it myself and was speaking from my own experience. When they �nally le�, I exploded and asked Jova to resign, even if we should all starve to death. �e mayor is her brother and she therefore thinks people have to do anything for her, whereas I can’t watch Jova in that role that has been imposed on him. I criticized Jova for allowing them to meet at our home. Whatever happened this evening happened. I would like Jova to leave the municipality. Nobody likes him there because he doesn’t speak the language, but she needs a translator for German. Now she will start ge�ing le�ers and she doesn’t even understand them. So it will be natural for her to turn to Jova who keeps his mouth shut and doesn’t talk to anyone. Her secrets are safe with him. God, how furious I am! �e longer this war goes on, the more nervous I get. I can’t tolerate anything or anyone anymore and am afraid I’m going to make a scene. I can’t stand the Bulgarians at all. �e whole world seems to have turned upside down. January 21, 1918

I am more and more nervous and I can’t sleep. Yesterday, a�er all my anger, I heard that the cousin of an acquaintance got engaged to a Bulgarian. What has she done? She, who is a student at the Serbian Teacher’s College and a future Serbian teacher! 297

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I calmed down yesterday and thought more even-headedly about Jova and his resignation from his job. “�at would be nice,” he said, “if I resigned from a job at the municipality. What am I going to do in these four walls? When I am working, I at least share my pain with the rest of our people that I meet. I will push away this German and his li�le Bulgarian girlfriend, although I’m not offended in the least by their behavior, and I don’t know why the love between two young people bothers you so much. Even though they are our enemies, they are in love the same as we are. It bothers me much more to see people being offered jobs and then not being paid for them (a daily occurrence at the municipality), while I have to watch and keep quiet.” “If I leave,” he said, “what are we going to do without money? You won’t be able to feed the children. �en you’ll think differently. And it is a greater humiliation for me to stand in front of people and beg for a dinar or two. Anyway, there aren’t many who can give me a dinar today. We are all so poor. It’s be�er for me to work as their servant, have a clean conscience, and earn some money to feed these li�le ones, when I’ve already had to separate them from their older brothers. How do you think I feel when I know I am not in a position to feed all my children but have had to burden your old father and sisters with looking a�er three of them? Isn’t that a type of humiliation for me as well? I stayed with you so that you wouldn’t break down taking care of them and this poor son of ours alone. I have to �ght and do everything I can to feed you, otherwise why am I here?” A�er this I stopped insisting, because I remembered all the humiliations I had to endure when we ran out of money. January 25, 1918

�ursday. Yesterday Jova returned from the municipality early. He was in a bad mood and I immediately saw that something had happened. Jova told me some Bulgarian had brutally beaten a local Serb. He locked him up in a barn and beat him there. �ey heard the man’s cries in the yard. He also hit a woman who ran up to protect him. Jova was badly shaken by this and at the end he said, “�is parasite won’t remain unpunished when the time comes.” �is morning I heard that the man who was beaten has no toes on his feet and that his sister tried to protect him. Yesterday they brought the body of a man from Vranje who had been sent home on leave from Kučevo—he fell off a train and the train ran him over. He died at the station, and his sister also died. It’s foggy and very cold again. We received some cards the children sent on December 7 last year, when they were traveling to my father’s house. 298

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February 2, 1918

�ere is a snowstorm outside. I am in a very bad mood. We again heard there is going to be a separate peace agreement with Ukraine and the whole of Russia, and that Romania has been given an ultimatum.3 Mila has come back without the newspaper. �e Germans don’t sell them to the citizens anymore. �at also means something, but at least we’ll save some money. Jova is doing unpaid labor with some kids. �ey are making a road to the station. He fought for two days to ensure bread for the children and today, when he �nally got it, the children didn’t show up for work. Nobody wants to work for nothing. A few days ago we asked an old Bulgarian surgeon to examine our Mirko. He gave us a lot of hope that our child would get well, but said that the sun and the sea were the best cure. Damn war. When will I be able to �nd a cure for my favorite child? I gave him the name Mirko when I was still carrying him inside me, to bring us peace, but war and his illness came instead. Hopefully God will bring us peace again, and help my child walk. I think and hope that if Providence has linked his name with illness and war, that it will also link peace with a cure, because it’s not his fault. I gave him this name based on my great longing for peace. I demanded peace from Providence and perhaps had no right to do that. I keep wondering whether there was anything I could have done to prevent his illness. If I knew of something, I would have done it, even if I had to pay for it with my life. �e pain I feel because of his illness is sometimes so great that I want to run away from everything so that I won’t have to watch his endless suffering. February 10, 1918 4

I heard that that an Italian magazine published the following joke about the Peace Conference: Somebody is knocking on the door. It’s a German who has come to beg for peace. �ey told him the following: “�ere will be peace, there will be, if Germany gives up Alsace, its colonies, and Poland, and pays for everything.” 3

4

On February 9, 1918, the recently declared independent state of Ukraine signed a separate peace treaty with the Central Powers. According to the treaty, Germany, Austria-Hungary, Bulgaria, and Turkey recognized Ukraine as a sovereign state and promised to protect it from the Bolshevik regime. In exchange, Ukraine promised to provide to Germany 100 million tons of food supplies. Later, however, during the Russian Civil War, Ukraine was reconquered by the Bolshevik regime and ultimately became a Soviet Socialist Republic within the Soviet Union. In her diary, Natalija began at this moment to note both the old and new calendar dates for a short time. Her decision to do so just at this time is a bit peculiar however. According to available sources, Serbia did not officially change over to the new calendar until one year later, in January 1919, while Bulgaria had switched over two years earlier. Her decision also preceded that of the newly formed Soviet Republic in Russia, which adopted the new calendar on January 31/February 13, 1918. And in any case, she continued to use the old calendar in her diary until the end of the war.

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�e German le� and then an Austrian came and also begged for peace. “�ere will be peace, there will be, if you give up Serbia, Italy, and Romania, and everything they’re asking for.” �en a Turk came and was told the same, to give up Constantinople and all the rest. In the end Baja Ganja knocked on the door. “Who are you?” they asked him. “I’m a Bulgarian,” he said. “But where are you from and where do you live?” “In the Bulgarian empire.” “But where is that country, pray tell?” He turned around and looked at the map on the wall, but couldn’t �nd Bulgaria anywhere. �ey told him, “Get the hell out of here, jerk, what gave you the idea you could come here and ask for something?” Even if this is made up, we liked it and had a good laugh this evening.5 Today I got a card from my sister Bela. �ey are all alive and well. A German cinema has opened; our people are going in large numbers. February 15, 1918

Friday. We haven’t received any mail. I am worried about the children. How are my sisters going to cope with them at home? Hopefully they aren’t starving because of my children. My sisters worked hard to pay for my education. Now they are feeding my children. �e children don’t even know what kind of sacri�ce their aunts are making. Today I heard that the delegates of all the warring parties met on Corfu to discuss Wilson’s peace agreement. People say they will be searching the houses again in order to �nd wheat. I don’t know where to hide this li�le amount of wheat we have, either at the old woman’s house or with our German tenants, but I don’t know if that’s safe either. I wrote a le�er to my boy, Dragan, but the censor sent it back. Soon it will be Easter. I am feeling weak and exhausted.

5

It is not entirely clear what peace conference Natalija is referring to here. U.S. President Wilson did present his famous “14 points” for peace speech to a joint session of Congress in January 1918. In addition, by this time German and Russian delegates were conducting negotiations for the peace agreement at Brest-Litovsk. However, the countries included in this joke are largely irrelevant to those negotiations. It is more likely that the joke simply posited a hypothetical conference and did not refer to any particular one.

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February 20, 1918

Tuesday. �is morning I got a lamb weighing 4 kilos, so we’ll have meat to eat this week. I received a card from my sister Bela. Today a 14-year-old orphan from a local village came to my house. Her name is Stana. I cut her hair, washed her face, gave her a bath, and dressed her in Mila’s dress, which I gave her to keep. She says she has no mother or father. She has nobody except an old grandfather who le� her. If she is good and obedient, I will guide her and think she might be happy in the end. February 21, 1918

Wednesday. �is young girl, Stana, with no shoes and dressed only in rags came to my house yesterday morning. She was dirty, had uncombed hair, and said she wanted to be a servant because she also has no father or mother. I asked a neighbor if she knew her, but she said she didn’t, that nobody knew her. A�er lunch some friends came to visit. We talked about how angry we are with the Germans for showing only their victories at the cinema and even more for how Serbian women were behaving there. �at’s why I never go. I then mentioned the girl I took on as a servant and one neighbor asked me if she was that infected girl who used to work for the Bulgarian priest. I was shocked and brought the girl for them to see. It turned out it was her. She then told me everything about her, that she is ruined and that her own father said the soldiers ruined her and even gave her “that thing.” I asked them what to do? It would be a sin to kick her out now before nightfall, and perhaps her father is a bad person. �en another neighbor came by. She said that she knew the child and her father, that he is a bum, and that the child wanders around the cemetery. I decided to make the girl tell me what had happened, using all my pedagogical skills, and she admi�ed everything. A woman sold her services for money and locked her up with the soldiers. I was stunned. When Jova came I told him, and he scolded me for making a hasty decision to hire her. “But that’s already done,” I said, “what am I supposed to do with the child now? If I throw her out on the street it will ruin her. If I keep her, perhaps I’ll save her.” It would be different perhaps if she were just a “thing” and not a woman. Perhaps it isn’t too late yet. But what if she’s infected? I haven’t slept all night, but cried because of the horrible state our country is in now. In her, I saw our dishonored country. �e situation must be even worse in the villages, if such things are going on in town. �e Serbian women who represent the elite are no be�er than this girl for socializing with the enemy. I got up early this morning to �nish the housework 301

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in time to take the girl to the hospital. I went out into the yard and saw her rags on a pile. I went closer and was shocked when I spo�ed yellow-green pus on her shirt. I ran into the house and took her away from the children. I made lunch quickly and around nine-thirty took her to the hospital. I waited until eleven o’clock and then the manager came. He walked up to me and asked me why I had come. I showed him the poor girl and in a few words let him know what had happened. He was shocked. He walked me out and told me the child should stay and that he would take care of her. “Sir,” I said, “I thought it would be a sin to throw the girl back on the street and therefore brought her to the hospital, because I think she belongs here. I did what I could, now you should do what you think is best,” and le�. February 24, 1918

Saturday. �ere was a lot of shooting last night and this morning there is either �ghting or aircra� �ying over. �e bookseller asked if anyone had heard any news. I told him, “If you’re a good Serb, you know as well as I do what will happen. If you’re are a Bulgarian, then you should ask them.” “Come on, don’t get angry so quickly. I’m not a Bulgarian, if I ask you.” “What do you care when the war is going to end? �is way you are earning money and celebrating weddings.” Today I only went to the market in the a�ernoon. I am so nervous I’m shaking all over. Yesterday, for All-Souls Day, I went to the cemetery and lit candles at the church for my mother, my in-laws, my brothers-in-law, my sister-in-law and her daughter, and many other relatives too.6 February 25, 1918

Sunday. �is morning Jova went to Markovo Kale to do unpaid labor work with some children. He returned around four o’clock. He really works like a slave. I was digging in the garden, and the children were outside in the sun. Jelisaveta’s daughters were with them when suddenly three young Bulgarians appeared. �e girls went upstairs with them. I stopped digging because I didn’t like what I saw. I told Jelisaveta last night I don’t like what she and her daughters are doing, and we argued. We can hear cannon �re clearly today. �is war will never end. 6

Also known as All Saints Day, in the Orthodox Church All-Souls Day is celebrated in the spring on the �rst Sunday a�er Pentecost.

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March 2, 1918

At dawn we were awakened by cannon �re. I woke up our tenant Jelisaveta and her daughters so that they could hear it too. My heart is beating with joy. Bulgarians were distributing meat yesterday. Jelisaveta got some because it was her turn, but we didn’t. I prepared a German–Serbian dictionary for a friend to take to Dragan. Jova told me how happy the children doing unpaid labor were yesterday when they got meat in their soup. �e children are doing work in three days that a man would do in a day, but at least they get bread and soup, and Jova doesn’t make them work too hard. He gave them more bread to eat than they were entitled to based on the work they’ve done. �is morning Mr. Urošević and his daughter le� for Bulgaria. �ey have been interned, though nobody knows why. People are saying it’s because of their books and some correspondence. It’s sad for such an old man to go to prison, and it’s strange that they interned him now. Mirko woke up this morning and listened to the cannons with us. He said: “I can hear it, but how are the Serbs �ring when the Bulgarians took their cannons?” March 9, 1918

�is is one of the most painful days in my life. I have tried to forget what happened but can’t. I admit, my dear Jova, my life with you used to be happy. But there was also a lot of pain and suffering when the children were growing up, when we looked a�er them and nurtured them. When I was a child I saw my mother, that model woman, cry a lot, and I saw how my older sisters, Jelka and Juca, lived. I saw known and unknown people exchange harsh words and curse each other in the neighborhood and on the street. But must everybody’s life be the same and are there no exceptions? Should I be one of those women who scold and curse each other? Nobody except you understood me. Why can’t you now understand the pain you caused me? I reproached you for taking a fancy to another woman, and then you said the words I never thought I would hear from your mouth. You said to me, “You pig, you beast, stop yelling already!” I don’t want our life to be like all others, nor do I want you to be the same as other men. I put you next to my God and swore by you. I am sorry you don’t want to or can’t understand my soul and always talk with irony or sarcasm about me acting “like I am in a novel.” In this way you ridicule my affection for you in these later years when, in your opinion, I shouldn’t have any tenderness. You think people have affections only in novels, and therefore can’t understand my pain when I don’t �nd any in you. You ridicule the very thing that makes our marriage 303

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sacred in my eyes. How can I like my duties towards you and the children, when you don’t want to know about my deep feelings? You take them for granted, like you do everything else, total freedom, comfort, money, everything that would make someone else happy. And you deprive me of what I’ve always longed for, a companion whose soul I will always have, who will always understand me, even when nobody else does, who will be my place of rest and my shelter and protection from everything. You are always so reserved, quiet, and patient with everybody. But when you exploded for the �rst time, you said to me words I should have never have heard. You’ve just entered the room and taken the baby. You scolded Mila for writing without light. You notice everything, but you don’t notice my pain. You think what happened between us is over, but I think it will continue to affect our future life together. You play with the children on the bed, and I am le� alone. March 11, 1918

I had a bad fever yesterday. I felt be�er in the evening and at night I felt the best. I forgave Jova everything. I admit it’s my fault when I dare to doubt his love momentarily. I didn’t go anywhere today. Jova worked in the garden all day, planting potatoes and plowing, and I rested all a�ernoon a�er not having been able to sleep for three nights. In the a�ernoon, nurses from the hospital came to see our tenant Jelisaveta. I went over when they were already ge�ing ready to leave. �ey said Bulgarians are bragging about having broken through the front line to the west of the German forces, where Austrian artillery is now carrying out operations. I haven’t heard anything from either the children or my sister Bela lately. We have wri�en a request to go visit them. If they allow us to go, it will be a great joy for me to see our sweet children and sisters and my father. I especially want to see Bela. I believe she looks nice now that she is happy. �ey have sacri�ced a lot for us. I hope God will keep us alive so that we can return the favor in love and money. Today our tenant Jelisaveta’s three children had their pictures taken dressed in pantaloons worn by Muslim women. �ey remind me of the belly dancers I saw in Constantinople. �ey are young; I think they like everything. We can’t hear the cannons anymore. All our hopes have been sha�ered. Will this spring also be full of empty hopes and disappointment? March 13, 1918

Yesterday excited Germans made a disturbance in town. A communiqué that arrived at the local post office said that German forces had broken through on the 304

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Alsace front and were advancing towards Paris. I don’t believe it, but don’t like it either, even if it isn’t true.7 We are tired of these German bums and beasts. �ey saw that we’ve planted things in our garden and they keep le�ing their hens in to eat our plants. March 14, 1918

Last night I dreamt about Bela. She had recovered but still had some chest pain. In the morning I was worried about her health, and then the postman brought a card from her in which she says she had bronchitis. She now has all those children to take care of. �ey disturb her comfort and care. If only my travel permit would arrive soon so that I could go. Should she fall ill now with the greatest illness when she’s happy? �e newspaper is writing about the achievements of German forces in the west. �is morning we woke up to snow. It is cold and wet. March 16, 1918

I was humiliated today. It serves me right for wanting to go to the municipality to ask for sugar for our baby. Jova told me not to do it but I never listen to him. I went to see the chairman. He was not courteous and acted as if I had come to bother him. I told him why I had come but not who I was, only that I have an 11-month-old baby. He replied, “�ere is no sugar, ma’am,” without even looking at me. I only said �ne and turned around without saying good-bye. I went to see Jova and found him si�ing in a cold room. I put on a cheerful expression so that he wouldn’t notice, and he said, “I told you but you won’t listen to me.” March 17, 1918

Yesterday, a man at the corner store said, “�e Serbian tribe has been exterminated and no Serb should survive.” I shivered all over but restrained myself. Our tenant Jelisaveta got upset and tried to prove that people are still alive even if Serbia doesn’t exist anymore. We talked about Macedonians. I said I was surprised by the Macedonians—that they, in fact, don’t want to be either Serbian or Bulgarian. I don’t know why the Serbs or the Bulgarians �ght over them and spill their blood for them. “For instance,” I said, “you are greater Bulgarians than Bulgarians and my godmother is a greater Serb than I am, but in fact you are both Macedonians.” 7

�ere were indeed German offensives in the spring of 1918 that brought their troops within 75 miles of Paris. Ultimately, however, the Germans were unable to consolidate their position and soon therea�er the �rst serious Allied counteroffensive began.

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March 18, 1918

Yesterday two acquaintances teased me about my hairdo. I realized they were right because I comb my hair nicely, and my hairdo is more elegant than everyday wear, so I said, “I make myself beautiful for my husband.” One replied, “�at’s no use, because where he works there are pre�ier and be�er women than you.” Anyway, I will �nd out if that’s true. I will �nd a way; there is no rush. March 22, 1918

I argued with three Germans today about the Serbian leader Nikola Pašić’s declaration in the Parliament and his statement of solidarity with the Allies. �e Jewish cashier at the cinema said, “Why won’t Serbia accept a separate peace agreement?” I told him, “Nonsense, the Serb stays true to his word. He will stand by his allies even if he has to die, and will worry about the rest a�er the war.” He then tried to make a case that Romania is doing well now because it isn’t completely ruined. �ey’ve only taken away its railway system and gasoline.8 He said, “You plucked out its eyes and then had to take its head as well.” �ey are trying to persuade us that Serbia will never be great. It doesn’t ma�er, what will be will be. We’ll see when the war is over. We don’t know anything in advance. In the end we had a nice talk trying to persuade each other. We’ll see what happens. Jova told me he witnessed a scene on the street today and had a good laugh. He was walking near a café and saw a German ask the children where the café was. One child went to show him. Jova and a large group of children walked behind him. �e German told the kid, “Gut Serbe,” and the child replied, “�at’s true, gut Srbin (a good Serb).” �e German laughed and said: “Ja, gut Serbe, Bulgarische night gut,” and all the children repeated a�er him, “Ja, ja, Bugari nicht gut.” Now the Germans also distance themselves from the Bulgarians when they talk. A Bulgarian newspaper printed a copy of Pašić’s declaration and published an angry introductory article criticizing the fact that Pašić failed to mention the Bulgarians anywhere. 8

Romania had been �ghting and losing alongside Russia, but Russia’s separate peace with Germany in the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk, signed on March 3, 1918, le� Romania nowhere to turn. Accordingly, it too began peace negotiations and signed the Treaty of Bucharest on May 7, 1918.

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We got cards from my boy Dragan and my sister Bela. I can’t stop worrying about Bela’s health. May God keep her alive so that we can see her happy. March 27, 1918

I should have go�en my period yesterday but didn’t. I called the midwife today to dilate my uterus, but nothing happened yet, and I have the �u as well. I must have go�en pregnant. What if I should pay for it with my own head now? I dreamt I was wearing a white dress. If I die I won’t even have a pair of socks. April 5, 1918

I have been lying in bed this morning bleeding. �e midwife gave me some tampons. We’ll see what happens. It’s over. Today I aborted the whole embryo with the placenta. It must have been six weeks old. I don’t know why fate forced me to do something like this. I feel very bad and regret having to do this. And it had to happen today, on my daughter Mila’s birthday. I don’t know if I would ever do that again. My Jova no longer cares about me or my well-being. I showed him all this today but he didn’t react at all. He hurt me a lot. To behave like this a�er all the suffering and pain I’ve had to endure. It is as if he isn’t that same old Jova he once was. I don’t like the fact my children aren’t all here with me, and I wouldn’t care if I died. �en he would feel and see what he had lost. He doesn’t like it anymore when I pay a�ention to him. When I told him a few evenings ago to bu�on up his coat because he was coughing, he snapped at me in front of other people to stop bothering him. I would be happy if he also asked me how I was feeling or if I saw that he was concerned about my well-being. Regardless of how much he hurts me, I worry when I see him pale or hear him cough. And I pray to God to keep him alive for the sake of the children. It doesn’t ma�er what happens to me. He only loves the children. If it weren’t for that, I would die of sadness, because I know that in his love for them there is also a li�le bit of love for me. It is Milica’s birthday today. A few days ago Mila turned thirteen. On Sunday Mirko will turn four. My poor Mirko. April 10, 1918

Wednesday. We received some money yesterday from the Serbian Red Cross in Geneva. �e money arrived just when we needed it.

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April 15, 1918, Palm Sunday

Yesterday I went to town. A troupe from Leskovac has come and is preparing a concert. I was standing with Jova when someone offered me tickets to the theater. I told her I haven’t a�ended any form of entertainment since the war began, on principle. She then told me the war will go on for a long time and asked me if we had to put ourselves in detention during all that time? I laughed and said young people can be forgiven but not the adults. A neighbor complained to me about our tenant Jelisaveta, who told her that she is wrong to do any kind of work for the Bulgarians, that this will humiliate the Serbian state. Mrs. Mara thought Jelisaveta was criticizing her because she did laundry for some soldiers. I told her I don’t think Jelisaveta was referring to her, but I’m still surprised that Jelisaveta doesn’t want to do any kind of work, because there is no shame in honest work. I told Mrs. Mara she could have replied, “Why is it a humiliation for Serbia when Serbian employees work hard to survive? It is a greater humiliation to sit down in a Bulgarian or a German carriage and go for a drive with the enemy.” May 19, 1918

Jova was quite shaken today. He told me that he was repairing water fountains with a repairman who showed him two ditches in the spring. �ere were two young men in one and two women in another, all of them dead. �eir clothing and Serbian hats were still visible, sca�ered around them. A man called Toma told Jova that the two men were guerilla �ghters who had surrendered and were then interned a�er being amnestied. �ey ran away around St. George’s Day on May 6 and stopped by at a café. �e owner tipped off the police and they were arrested and shot, without trial and without witnesses. How long will all this go on? �ere is a sick old woman in the neighborhood. We have been trying to take care of her but she is ge�ing worse. �e doctor came a�er lunch and said she should be taken to the hospital immediately. �e old woman is almost suffocating from pus. Eventually, we put her on stretchers together with the ma�ress, pillow, comforter, and blanket, and carried her to the hospital where they gave her a nice clean room. Later, three of us went back to her apartment and carried the old woman’s things into the pantry hidden behind the rooms of the doctor’s soldiers. We found six Turkish carpets wrapped in a blanket in her bed worth thousands of dinars. We couldn’t put that into the pantry, because the Germans will open it and steal them, as they did before. We counted them and hung them over the wall. �e rest we locked up inside the room. 308

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�ere is �ghting on the Southern front. Jova is repairing water fountains all day. �e Germans aren’t doing good work because they have no material. I am running out of money. Jova hasn’t received his salary for the last two months. If the old woman dies, I don’t know what we’ll do. �e coffin itself costs a lot. May 20, 1918

�e poor old woman is now resting in peace in her granddaughter’s grave. �is morning at six o’clock when I was still in bed, I heard some noise in the hallway downstairs. Jova got up and saw a girl from the hospital who had come to get clothes for the old woman, because she was dying. So several of us went to her room, got her things out of the trunk, and rushed over to the hospital. When we arrived there, the old woman had already died. �e nurse and two other women were at her side at the time. �e nurse was going to fetch tea for her but the old woman grabbed her hand and said, “Stay a li�le longer,” and then she just opened her mouth and everything was over. When we arrived her body was still warm, so we dressed her in a nice undershirt with golden embroidery, a new dark blue dress and stockings, a silk scarf, and a short jacket. �ey put a fez and a new purple headscarf on her head. �e old woman had prepared all the clothes made of Serbian fabric. We put paper shoes on her feet, because we couldn’t get her own shoes on her swollen feet. And we prepared žito for the burial as well. �en we stuffed the rest of her things into the pantry, so that they don’t take it all away when they come to requisition the apartment. We carried the sewing machine over to our laundry room and put the old woman’s fur coat and another carpet over the wall in Rusa’s apartment. We only le� her bed in the room without the sheets and the sink. We decided if anyone asks about her things to say that her daughter had taken everything of value when she was here, and that the Germans took the rest to keep until her daughter comes back. Let them come and take a look. I then went to church to get candles and then to the hospital. Jova went to the club where people have lunch, found the doctor, and eventually managed to persuade him to sign a paper so that we can bury her today. He ate lunch on his feet and went to another club, where he found a priest and paid him in advance for the burial at six o’clock. We prepared �owers, towels, wine and brandy, and went to the chapel. �ere were no chairs, so some women sat down in the grass, but the wind was blowing and it was cold. I ordered ten coffees in the neighborhood. Mrs. Vida, the teacher, also appeared and we gave the women the coffee in honor of the old woman’s soul. 309

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�e Bulgarian priest arrived at �ve o’clock and complained about the wagon still not being there. �en Jova came; he ran all the way in order to get there in time for the funeral. When he heard that the wagon with the coffin was still not there, he went away angry, all covered in sweat. At that moment a two-wheeled cart arrived with the coffin. �ere were wagons at the municipality, but the horses were all at the spa, so they’d had to �nd private horses. �e four of us carried the coffin inside. �e priest told Jova, “Well, Mr. Jova, you did a good deed.” �ere was a funeral service at the church. We paid for the grave and the candles and gave tips to the gravediggers and the sexton. We le� our poor old neighbor at the cemetery. She knew many folk songs, recitals, stories, and fairy tales and used to tell them to the children. We buried her next to her granddaughter. She didn’t live to see freedom and her sons. If only the priest was Serbian, not Bulgarian, but that’s impossible now. Tomorrow we’ll go to the cemetery for the �rst morning a�er. May 22, 1918

Long live our dear Serbs! Dragan says there has been a seven-kilometer breakthrough in the front line. Baby Milica was screaming a li�le bit on Jova’s lap at dinner this evening. He was in the room all day while we were busy sorting out the old woman’s things, which must have put her in a bad mood. Jova jokingly threw her on the �oor and shouted, “You bad girl!” Insulted that he had shouted at her, she began to kick, and Jova again shouted while laughing. She continued to kick with her legs and accidentally hit the �oor with the back of her head and stopped breathing. I jumped up and grabbed her. Her face was blue, and her eyes had popped out. She was all stiff and then lost consciousness. We were very scared, brought her water, rubbed her, and she �nally came to. A�er that I couldn’t recover from shock and kept trembling, but thank God everything turned out �ne. May 23, 1918

I received a card from Jova’s brother Luka. A German man called to tell us they will be searching German houses and that we should immediately take the wheat we have hidden at his place. I ran to look for Jova; we carried over the wheat and the �our, packed it and hid it. I got a fever from all this. �en we worried about the old woman’s things. What are we going to do with them now? �ey cannot stay where they are because of the search. But where are we going to put them? 310

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May 24, 1918

We carried all those things back, put them in the barn, and locked it, because it hasn’t been searched ever before, and whatever they �nd among those things none of us will be responsible for it. It will scare the soldiers when we tell them she died of tuberculosis, and they won’t rummage through her things. We gave her pillow and ma�ress to another old woman who has tuberculosis, so they can’t hurt her. People are talking about the change of government in So�a, and the surrender of Bulgarians near Salonika.9 May 30, 1918

Wednesday. Jova was moaning last night because he dreamt somebody had cut Danko on the head. I am very worried about the children, because they haven’t wri�en in 15 days. I don’t know anything about my trip to Belgrade. June 9, 1918

�ey went from house to house and selected a welcoming commi�ee and asked the citizens to come out and welcome the guests from Skoplje. When the rain stopped, around eleven o’clock, the colonel shouted, “Come closer so that you can all shout together a loud Bulgarian ‘hurrah’.” Everybody laughed and jokes began to circulate. Despite the spies and informers we all know about, everybody was making jokes at the expense of the Bulgarian guests. �en the students came with the �utes. �ey were all dressed up and soon the welcome address of the Vranje head of �nance began. It was windy and cold and we didn’t hear what he was saying. �en a man in a uniform began to shout. �ey say he’s a professor. He began to shout like an animal that sister Macedonia had come to visit sister Morava, which had been liberated from the ancient Serbian devil…. Yuck! Everybody was shocked. �en their children sang, “River Marica Is Roaring,” followed by the Serbian children. It was funny how poorly prepared the Serbian children were. �ey sang out of tune, as if they wanted to make mistakes on purpose. �e “hurrah” was also weak. Not even the Bulgarians could be heard. 9

In June 1918, high casualties, bad weather, and low morale in Bulgaria led to the replacement of the pro-German Prime Minister Vasil Radoslavov with the leader of the parliamentary opposition Alexander Malinov. While this development led some to hope for an earlier end to the war, Malinov also acquiesced to King Ferdinand’s determination to continue �ghting. Natalija’s reference to this June event in a diary entry of May 24 indicates that she is still using the old calendar, 13 days behind the new one.

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June 18, 1918

I received a card from the son of that old woman who died. He found out about his mother’s death. I also got a report from the Balkan Bank from So�a saying we have some money from the Serbian Red Cross. I asked at the post office, but they told me the money hasn’t arrived yet. �e local newspaper reported that around 100,000 Austrians had been killed in some ba�le.10 June 20, 1918

Jova returned from the office and said that all the employees were summoned and told they had to be Bulgarian. Jova wasn’t there. Some who were there said they were Bulgarian, others were silent. Only one young man said he was from Šumadija. �ey said the Serbs would be persecuted and punished most severely, that they would receive beatings, and get no bread or food. Let them persecute us, let them harass us—we are not Bulgarians. An old woman who was there started a conversation with me about the circumstances. She spoke as a Serb, but at the end said, “If only the war would �nally end, it doesn’t ma�er who stays in power here.” I told her I disagree and don’t want the Bulgarians to stay here. She asked me why, since my husband can go wherever he wants. It’s not a question of whether or not my husband can go where he wants. It’s whether or not we feel like Serbs. June 21, 1918

Jova took out the necessary documents and submi�ed a request for all of us to leave Vranje. He will state he is a Serb, so help us God. June 22, 1918

Yesterday I went to visit a friend. �e head of the censorship service was also there and I asked whether it was true that people have to write in Bulgarian in Austria as well? He said the drum had announced that. “But,” I said, “my family doesn’t speak Bulgarian.” He replied, “�at’s not true. Your family will like Bulgarian. �e Austrians have also said they like it be�er.” I asked him if we could write in German, but he said we couldn’t. 10

�is is probably a reference to the Ba�le of the Piave River fought on the Italian front from June 15–24, 1918. In this ba�le, which represented the �nal Austro-Hungarian a�ack of the war, the Austro-Hungarian army indeed lost 100,000 men, leading to a drastic decline of morale and the army’s fairly rapid disintegration in the months therea�er.

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I don’t care if all three of us die here. �e rest are in Arandjelovac, at least they’ll survive. June 24, 1918

So, we have to write Bulgarian. I write the same as I used to and only put the Bulgarian “jer” at the end. My sister Bela wrote that we shouldn’t come there. What are we going to do? June 27, 1918

�e people are all upset about the rumor that we will have to sign our names as if we are Bulgarian. �ey all feel they are Serbs, but they would also like to stay alive. July 7, 1918

It’s terribly hot. �ere was nobody at the market today. �ey won’t let the peasants go to the market until they’ve �nished harvesting, and they won’t let anyone thresh. It’s very hard. Again we have no bread. I went to see a friend who just returned from Valjevo. She told us about the luxurious life the Serbs lead there and about their partying with the Austrian officers. I was really shaken by this. Is this how the Serbian women behave? July 8, 1918

�is morning I woke up early. I dreamt about the doctor taking me across some cliffs and through dark caves and barely managing to pull me out to the light. As soon as I got up, I told Jova something was going to happen. Around nine o’clock we received a le�er that our poor son Dragan had had appendicitis but is now feeling be�er. �e le�er was wri�en on July 1. I was terri�ed when I thought about the possible misfortune. In her le�er, my sister Bela tried to persuade me that they took good care of him, as if I had any doubts. My heart breaks when I think of how much my family has suffered and probably shortened their own lives for my children. If only I would get that travel permit. I am worried because I know Dragan will need the surgery sooner or later. Baby Milica is giving me a lot of trouble. As soon as she doesn’t get what she wants, she cries, then loses her breath and almost faints. Her head droops, her eyes become stiff, and she looks pale as if she were dead. We have difficulty bringing her back, and now have to do everything she wants in order to avoid making her furious. I prepared everything for the trip, but the permit won’t come. 313

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July 10, 1918

�e children are asleep. I anxiously waited all evening for Jova to return. He didn’t tell me where they were going or when he would return. He didn’t know. Last night the policeman came and said Jova should be ready at four o’clock this morning. I woke up at two in the morning a�er a bad dream—I dreamt Jova was dying. I couldn’t go back to sleep and instead made breakfast for Jova and saw him off. He didn’t listen to me when I asked him to take his coat, but he took my raincoat. �eweatherwasunstable.It’s cloudythisevening,butbecauseofthemoonlight and the wind, the night seems mysterious. I have been standing at the window, looking outside and thinking. I can hear Serbian songs from across the street and somebody playing a �ute. What a beautiful sound. In front of the neighbor’s, the German and his orderly are drinking beer and talking. I remembered those days when all my children were with me happy and smiling. I am worried about Dragan, because I haven’t heard anything since receiving that card about his appendicitis. I am gazing at the pictures of my beloved children on the table. It’s hard to �nd bread. �ey are still not le�ing the peasants thresh. �ey want to take everything away from them. �e newspapers are writing about a failed German offensive in the West. It seems they had the same fate as the Austrians earlier.11 I am waiting for Jova but don’t feel like reading because I’m worried and my brain won’t accept any new information. Yesterday morning Jova went with his boss to see who is stealing water. His boss rode a horse like a pasha and Jova went on foot like a slave. At the mine they saw around a hundred Serbian detainees working in a fenced-in area and unable to go anywhere. Jova’s boss asked them how they were doing. �ey said they would rather die than suffer like dogs, tired and hungry. �e boss promised to intervene on their behalf, as if the Germans will take any notice of that. July 13, 1918

Jova �nally returned yesterday. He says we have to �nd a way to leave as soon as possible, because we can’t live like this any longer. I asked him what had happened and whether they had treated him badly. He said they didn’t. �e bosses and the 11

Here Natalija is likely referring to the Second Ba�le of Marne. �is was the last major German offensive of the war, in which the German army fought French-led Allied forces from July 15 to August 5 and suffered some 168,000 casualties.

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chairman of the local commi�ee took him to a café, where they sat at “their table” to have dinner with other Bulgarian employees. A�er dinner, the quartermaster gave a speech in which he criticized the Serbs. He said they ought to threaten the Serbs and expel them to Šumadija, because this area was Bulgarian. I told him they say the same things in town as well. I thought they had offended him personally. He said they didn’t but that he can’t sit with them anymore and listen to them talk in this way, even though everybody else called that man a fool and seems to regard him as one. �ey only went there to loot from the villagers and take a lot of money from them for the mills. �ey took Jova along for the sake of form, so that if people complain it will look as if they were doing something legal. “What are you going to do if people do complain and they call you as a witness?” I asked him. He replied, “I haven’t seen how much money they took or what they did.” We heard that Skadar had fallen. �ere is a lot of �ghting in the west. �e Germans ran into a lot of trouble on the Marna River, and there is chaos in Russia.12 Mirko is asking us to take him outside. I have a hard time watching him in such a bad mood. We haven’t told Jova’s brother Luka about Mirko’s illness yet. We don’t want him to worry about our problems in addition to his own. Baby Milica is sweet. Mila is a real girl now, and she’s ge�ing no education. She has sacri�ced herself for Milica and Mirko. I haven’t heard anything about my travel permit. Jova came home and said they told him at the military command that my request still hasn’t been sent back to Niš from Belgrade. I broke down and began to cry. I have only bad thoughts in my head. Jova scolds me for crying. July 19, 1918, Eve of St. Elijah’s Day

�is is the third time we are spending our slava under occupation. I prepared some food so that God and St. Elijah will help us and things will start ge�ing be�er. I bathed the children and they went to bed with Jova. I am thinking about our children who aren’t here. Are they celebrating their slava? My sweet grownups, my three reasons for celebration. May God help us celebrate the next slava together, and may I see Bela happy with her Milan. 12

Natalija’s information about the fall of Skadar—a city in present-day Albania—was premature. It would not be taken by the Serbian army until November 1918. Her comment about the chaos in Russia is an accurate assessment of the on-going civil war between the Bolsheviks, or “Reds,” and their numerous domestic and foreign opponents, collectively known as the “Whites.” At this early stage in the struggle, it seemed unlikely to many that the Reds would survive.

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July 20, 1918, St. Elijah’s Day

I cut the bread alone and lit the candles alone this morning. Jova went to the office this morning. He didn’t ask for leave because then the Bulgarians would know that we were celebrating and would come over. We had a lot of guests in the a�ernoon—all Serbian women and children. �ere were no Bulgarians, but there were the three Germans living in our yard. July 22, 1918

It’s terribly hot. In the evening some friends came to visit. One said the Germans told her about a recent rebellion. Bulgarians trusted Albanians and armed them, and then they went renegade. So the Bulgarians torched Albanian children alive in their houses. We hadn’t heard about that here. She also met a Turk from the vicinity of Priština, who said the Bulgarians had exterminated all the Serbs there. She said: “�ey didn’t touch us, but since I’ve seen what they did at my neighbor’s house, I can’t stand them. �ey can’t act the same way in the plains, but in the hills they’ve killed them all. �ey don’t want the Serbs to live there anymore.” She le�, and it was already dark when two other women arrived. One said her son is going to the grammar school in So�a and that she doesn’t like being separated from him. �e other explained there was a nice boardinghouse in So�a, but Jova replied he didn’t believe that. I kicked him under the table to prevent him from saying such things in front of them. I told him later to watch what he says in front of these women, because Bulgarians, most of them single, spend a lot of time at their place. �ey tell the Bulgarians everything they hear, not because they want to but because they’re stupid. I received a card from Bela and the children. Jova �nally got his salary for June and July today. Jova is taking apart a German bed made of wire and extracting nails. He doesn’t leave the house when he doesn’t need to. I hear him knocking and watch him bend in his worn-out clothes, pulling out the nails with the pliers. He always �nds something to do, to keep him from thinking about our uncertain future, the six children we are unable to care for, and our biggest suffering, our sick child. I also run away from that, either by working or by talking to people about all kinds of things that don’t interest me. �at makes it a li�le bit easier. August 6, 1918

I seem to have contracted malaria. I can barely stand. Jova went threshing, and I stayed at home, although I promised to go. I heard this morning that the Germans have packed all their things. 316

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August 9, 1918

I am still ill. I am afraid I might be pregnant again. �at would be terrible in these circumstances. If there were peace, I would have another child. August 12, 1918

�eGermansareallge�ingreadytomove.�eypretendto be carryingoutsome exercises and maneuvers! Last night we received a wire ordering the president of the municipality to immediately hand over his duty and be taken to So�a. I wonder how much longer my Jova will be working with these bums. He is not receiving his salary anymore, and they told him he wouldn’t receive another one. August 18, 1918

We had a lot of rain. With God’s help, the mills will start working. I bought a piglet weighing four kilos. We’ll fa�en it up for Christmas as a welcome home present for our children if they come back by then. Jova wasn’t feeling well today. He thinks it’s the acid in the tomatoes. My sweetheart, he’s worn out. Everybody pushes him around at that municipality and orders him to do things. �is morning a soldier came and said the head of the hospital ordered the drinking fountain to start operating immediately. Jova told him there was no water but they said he has to �nd water by ten o’clock. “Can’t you see our drinking fountain isn’t working either? If it were up to him, at least we would have water,” I said. “I don’t know about you, but the hospital has to have water,” the soldier replied. I asked Jova what was the ma�er, and he said, “�e water fountain operators aren’t making any money, and neither are the soldiers. �ey all do what they want, and they all come to bother me.” He got nervous so it’s no wonder he got sick. He is weak and worn-out. August 20, 1918

With God’s help I will go to the spa with Mirko tomorrow at eleven o’clock in the morning and stay for 15 days. Dear God, please let the spa help Mirko so that we return home happily. When I was at the municipality trying to get a travel permit for the spa, they brought three boys in to whip them for picking grapes. A�er seeing the whip the soldier had with him when he took the boys to a room made of concrete, I was depressed and unhappy all day. If the poor children hadn’t been hungry, they wouldn’t have been picking grapes. Now they’ve been whipped in addition to being starved. 317

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Today the newspaper reported that revolutionaries had killed Lenin. If that’s true, it’s good.13 August 23, 1918

Today went by quickly. We were busy taking care of Mirko and doing needlework. Last night was a bad night. Bedbugs kept me awake, as did Mirko, who was sweating. It was cool in the morning so I le� him in bed until a�er breakfast, when I carried him out to be in the sun before giving us both a bath. A�er lunch I put him in a swing in the yard, where he remained until late a�ernoon. I spent the entire a�ernoon with Mirko and doing needlework with my neighbors. �ey come from several villages. Everybody is desperate and can’t wait for our soldiers to come back. One old lady complained of back pain, which she has had ever since the Bulgarians beat her. She also showed us a scar from a ri�e bu� on her eyebrow. August 25, 1918

It’s nigh�ime. �e dogs are barking and I can hear a man walking in wooden shoes. Lights are still on at the hospital and in the hotels. �e bugle sounded at nine o’clock. I can hear the train whistle nearby. I feel a li�le scared, although I can still hear the neighbors in their room. I went for a bath again today a�er Mirko was done. �ere was no news today, and I don’t feel well when I don’t know what’s going on. �e Germans are probably still retreating, but if I knew that my mood would improve. A soldier was si�ing in my neighbor’s room today. She told him I was a Serb, and I said, “So are you, right?” �e soldier replied, “Serb or Bulgarian, it’s all the same.” Right, I thought to myself, now that you’ve lost it’s all the same, but you used to speak differently. Our Macedonian man just smiled. Jova wrote me that my sweet Milica still keeps asking for her mummy. �e li�le puppy, she loves me a lot. But Mirko is most important at the moment because he’s sick. Mila has a cold and doesn’t know if she’s going to come tomorrow. Jova says he can’t come either this week. �at made me sad. I won’t even ask him anymore. I want to see if he’s going to come by himself. 13

On August 30, 1918 (according to the new calendar, or August 18 using the old one), Fanja Kaplan, a disgruntled revolutionary, shot Vladimir Ilyich Lenin in an unsuccessful assassination a�empt. Although Lenin survived the shooting, it probably shortened his life, contributing to the series of strokes that removed him from power in late 1922 and led to his death in January 1924.

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It’s nigh�ime. I always get upset by dogs barking in the villages. Good-night, my loved ones, Jova, my old Mila, Mirko, my sweet baby Milica, and my three grownup heroes. How much I miss them all and their aunts, even the old grandpa. I’d like to see him again. August 28, 1918

I didn’t sleep at all last night. Mirko was sweating a lot, so I changed his clothes. My nerves got the be�er of me and I wished I was in Vranje. �inking about Jova, his coldness towards me, and his job at the municipality upset me, so all kinds of ideas came to my head. I have learned to control myself, but it still bothers me. I don’t know what to do to calm down, unless he stops working at the municipality so that that woman won’t be next to him anymore. God is the only witness of my great love for him and the children. So why doesn’t he show me how to stop torturing myself and him with these thoughts and not to suffer so much? I went out to buy some vegetables and met three Bulgarian soldiers from the hospital. �ey asked me where I was from, and I proudly told them I was from Šumadija. One asked me if Šumadija was as badly devastated as this area. I told him I didn’t know, but that it certainly can’t be good there when it’s not good here. August 29, 1918

I got up at dawn, tired, and we got ready for church. I took Mirko in my arms, and we walked over but found the church closed. I called the priest and made a pledge to St. John for my Mirko to celebrate him for as long as he lives, so that he would give him back his legs. I was happy because the church carries the name of St. Elijah, who is our family patron. So St. John and St. Elijah will help Mirko get well. When we returned around noon we found our sweet Jova waiting for us. I tore up the le�er I wrote in which I scolded him for forge�ing us. I was glad I hadn’t sent it when I realized I was just nervous and crazy. Around four o’clock we walked Jova to the mill and said good-bye to him there. He proceeded down the road on foot and we walked back. We watched him go into the distance for a long time. September 1, 1918

A girl from Surdulica lives here. Her name is Baja. She is the daughter of a former café owner who is currently a reserve officer in France. I like that girl. Last night she talked all evening about how sorry she feels about our country and about the atrocities commi�ed in Surdulica. She told me about the horrible things 319

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she saw at their estate, where some 300 people were killed. She saw skulls with worms inside them. We both sighed for those poor people and criticized Serbs who socialize with the Bulgarians. Today I read an announcement posted on the wall of the municipal building in which citizens who don’t know anything about their loved ones, who have been forcibly recruited into the Serbian army and who are now dying there, were told they could write to the cultural society. �e “Morava” society will make 5,000 copies of those le�ers and drop them along the Serbian front line from an aircra�. If “the Serbs want” (which they doubt) to respond in the same way, the citizens of Vranje will �nd out about their loved ones. �ose who decide to write a le�er to a loved one should deposit 0.3 Bulgarian Levs for each word. �is is pure malice and robbery. I wonder who came up with that idea? September 3, 1918

I can’t wait for this day to end so that we can go home. Today a�er lunch I put Mirko in the swing underneath the plum trees, but then a soldier from Prizren came by. His father and entire family have been interned. He told me how he ended up joining the Bulgarian army. He has a mother and three sisters. He told me �ghting had already begun down there. He is in the music band and speaks very nice Serbian. Around four o’clock the midwife’s daughter came and we sat down. I didn’t know that child had had six years of grammar school. It’s a pity she wastes her time with these Bulgarians. She speaks like a Serb, but her mother has made her into a lady, so she socializes with the Bulgarian officers. September 7, 1918

I had to stay in bed all day yesterday because of the �u. A large German �eld hospital has moved into the warehouse. �ey’ve come from the front with more than 300 wounded. Wounded Bulgarians are also coming. September 8, 1918

�ey say the bishop offered a mass today. Jova and I didn’t go. A�er that we slaughtered our pig. We’ll make lard tomorrow. We have to do all this in secret. Another pig will replace him. I heard that there has been a breakthrough in the front line, and that the Germans will be se�ing everything on �re if they have to retreat and forcing people to move out. If only our soldiers will come, I don’t care what happens. We’ll �ee into the forest and wait for them there. 320

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September 9, 1918

We made lard from our pig today and got about 20 kilos. We o�en didn’t eat in order to feed him. I sent some cracklings and meat to our friends and neighbors because they always help us as well. I made some liverwurst, and we salted the meat. A neighbor’s girl is ge�ing married today. It’s be�er for her to get married before she gives birth to a child, since she already rushed the ma�er. �e only thing I don’t like is that she’s ge�ing married to a Bulgarian. Jova and I didn’t leave the house all day today. We can hear music. �e people of Vranje are having a good time. September 10, 1918

I am dead tired, but happy because of today’s news. �ey say Gacko has fallen.14 Wounded German soldiers keep coming. Bulgarian newspapers reported that the front has been broken and that Bulgaria is in a lot of danger. But they have trust in the Bulgarian soldier and in the help of allies. In the late a�ernoon, a�er I �nished making tomato sauce, a nurse from the hospital came and said the Bulgarian hospital is packing in a hurry. �e mayor’s wife, Olga, also came, so we rejoiced together. She said the local newspaper wrote about the valor of Serbian soldiers on the front line, admi�ing also the importance of the positions taken. �ey say Prilep has fallen, and some Bulgarians are already asking if anybody would be willing to hide them and protect them from our soldiers, because they have nowhere to go.15 I blew up and said nobody must do that. I know Vranje is full of women who would gladly hide their Bulgarian lovers, but I won’t allow anyone to do it. Have they forgo�en what we have been through over the last three years, all the horrors and humiliations we’ve endured? I can’t wait to go to town and see for myself how things are. Great things are going to happen in the near future. Our �ag is ready and the towel for the �rst cavalryman. Are we going to survive all the joy and excitement? I keep thinking about those women who had affairs with German and Bulgarian officers. What are they going to do now and how are they going to meet their husbands when they return? A�er everything they’ve been doing for the past three years. September 12, 1918

Wonderful days await us! I did laundry in the morning and didn’t go to town, but in the a�ernoon I looked down the street and saw chaos! Cart a�er cart full of 14 15

Gacko is a mixed Serbian/Muslim city in current-day Bosnia-Hercegovina near the border with Montenegro. Prilep is a Macedonian town approximately 75 miles south of Vranje.

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military things: trunks, clothes, ammunition. �ey stopped across the road from us. �ey unloaded the things and carried them inside. I sent Mila to ask who they were. �ey said Bulgarians are moving away from Kumanovo. A soldier came to ask for a room for his commander. We eventually managed to turn him away, saying we had nothing available. A�er he le�, the carts kept coming, but then an order arrived for them to go back. �e carts turned around, and they began bringing the things back out. By nightfall they’d loaded up everything they �rst unloaded. �en Germans began to arrive in cars, one a�er another. Wounded soldiers kept passing through. �ey got off at the military command. �en more chaos and noise as they started to move municipal and county offices. Our children were reporting to us what was going on. �e Gypsies carried the cabinets, the policemen were making jokes; you could see their hearts were full. I forgot to think about the children. September 13, 1918

It’s clear they are retreating. German commands from Skoplje are coming to Vranje. �e Bulgarians seem broken. Days of happiness and freedom are coming. September 14, 1918

A new dawn is coming and Serbia is slowly being born again. Its children are dying and, with their blood, Serbia is rising again for the third time. I am very excited and overjoyed. It feels like I’m �ying not walking. I gave Mila nice clothes and shoes today and told her to take Mirko and go out to the street to watch the enemy retreat and to rejoice. Let her friends regret not going to So�a. My daughter didn’t dance Bulgarian dances and she now has the right to rejoice. Although her daddy was their servant, we didn’t invite them to our house and I’m proud my children’s faces remained unspoiled. Everybody is leaving. Albania has fallen as well. I ran out to the street. On the far corner I saw many Serbs happily watching the crowded street and the departing German �eld train. Austrians are leaving. Everything looks the same as in Prokuplje three years ago—commotion everywhere. I barely managed to make my way to the church through the rows of Germans si�ing on their luggage and waiting for departure. �e midwife came by but seemed reserved. �ere weren’t too many people in the church. One of my friends is overjoyed. She has been waiting for her husband for three years and stayed true to her reputation as the wife of a Serbian officer. May God bring her hero back alive and well. �e judge’s wife also came. She is happy, but she’s afraid of that happiness, because it will make her realize how 322

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unhappy she actually is. I preached internationalism before we were enslaved, but they called us nationalists then. I am worthy of our ancestors and will teach my children to be worthy of their Serbian nationality. We are all fasting today, even li�le Milica, for the welfare of our soldiers. We heard voices from the yard shouting that there was an aircra� �ying over. We all ran outside. I saw it with binoculars. It’s the same kind of aircra� we saw in Leskovac and Prokuplje. Another one came right a�er. I lay down to lull Milica to sleep. I didn’t sleep last night, so I thought I would fall asleep tonight, but didn’t. I am too overjoyed. It seems I’ll be able to forget everything that has happened. I am only sorry my children and my family are not all here to share our joy. September 15, 1918

Again I didn’t sleep last night. I was at the window until midnight. �e children and Jova were asleep, and I listened to the thud of horses’ hooves and soldiers’ shoes. �ere were many carts in front of our house. I even heard the voices of peasant women coming home from unpaid labor. �ey’ve all gathered to carry food from the quartermaster offices by carts. Are the carts only going to the station or even further? I thought about what will happen to our tortured people if they drive them to So�a on foot like this, without bread or anything. A neighbor brought us milk. When I asked her if she was happy, she said she was but didn’t know what was going to happen a�erwards. She is afraid the army that’s going to come might take away her grandson. I yelled at her and she was shocked. She kept blinking with her eyes in a silly way. “You should wait for your grandson to replace your son and be happy about it! Instead you want to hide him under your apron.” But I could see she has her own view of the ma�er, and when I thought more about it I realized I might have judged too soon. Anyway, I don’t have the right to judge her since I don’t have anyone in the army. Who knows how I would react if Jova were in the army and I was afraid they might take Dragan? I always make rash statements without thinking. I will have to apologize to her and explain my a�itude. She has every right to worry about her grandson, but that doesn’t mean he won’t go if he has to. At least I know her and her family well. I went to the market and saw Bulgarian and German packages and books packed or torn to pieces. �ere is chaos everywhere. Later, I saw my friend Olga in the yard with the Germans and asked her, “Is it true that you were at the wedding of the bookseller’s daughter and that Bulgarian?” 323

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She said she was because she has a good heart, and the girl invited her, so she felt she couldn’t refuse. �e groom was going to stay here, so perhaps he’d become a Serb, she suggested. I admonished her and said we don’t need him among the Serbs. �ere were a number of us standing there, so I turned my back on her. I don’t know whether she was upset or not. September 18, 1918

I have the �u and haven’t been outside today. I spent all day in town yesterday. I found the same atmosphere every place I went. Impatience and great happiness. Even those who have sinned against their country and duty are happy. Most don’t even seem to be aware of what they’ve done, some out of carelessness, others out of self-interest. Some women may have done it because they are stupid as geese, but now it all seems forgo�en. Soldiers and cars have been passing through town all day. Everywhere I went people asked me what was going to happen now. I think everything will turn out well, but we all need a bit more patience. I also can’t wait for them to come, but I keep telling myself that since I’ve already waited so long, I can wait just a li�le bit longer. Yesterday I talked with several peasant women who are suing each other. I advised them to stop and instead keep an eye on their houses and wait for their loved ones who will come soon. People tend to waste money in court, o�en out of spite, as if they didn’t have enough misfortune, and they are suing each other now when they should be happy because freedom is coming. God forgive them for their stupidity and lack of knowledge. I hope they’ll listen to me. September 19, 1918

�e end. Soldiers are �eeing. People are taking everything they can lay their hands on. Sad and ugly scenes on the street. I yelled at the gangs looting and taking things away in front of a neighbor’s house, but nobody listened to me. Everybody just grabs anything they can lay their hands on. It’s as if they’ve all been possessed by some fever to take as much as they can, as soon as possible, before some kind of authority introduces order again. I expected to see people on their knees thanking God for rescuing us. Instead I saw a mad crowd looting and stealing everything they can. I am shocked by what’s happening when there is no authority. People forget all norms and regulations very quickly and turn into wild hordes.

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September 20, 1918

Dear God, forgive them for they know not what they do. I am horri�ed by the amount of looting in town. At this most sacred moment for the Serbian cause everybody is only thinking about looting, and it’s not only the poor or the uneducated or the wild. Some salesmen bought all kinds of things at cheap prices from the Bulgarians who couldn’t take these things with them. I asked one shopkeeper to sell me a few peppers and eggplants, but he doesn’t accept Bulgarian money now. When we had Serbian money we had to exchange it for nothing. Now when all we have le� is Bulgarian money, nobody wants it. I argued with him. Germans are �eeing. �ree ri�e shots were heard, so I ran home. All the stores are closed. Nobody wants to sell anything; they’ve put it all away. Cannons are thundering. I don’t know what to do. We have to prepare a welcome for our soldiers. I am drunk from happiness, excited and overjoyed. A neighbor’s son a�acked Jova when he told the boy to stop breaking into the warehouse so that there would be something le� when our soldiers come. �ey are real outlaws. �ey’ve been trading with the Bulgarians all this time. Now they are the �rst to start looting and stealing. Nothing is sacred to them and they don’t care that those things aren’t Bulgarian anymore but belong to the people and should remain there when our soldiers come. Even in these sacred moments people are thinking only of themselves. �e shooting is much closer now. �e windows are shaking on the house. Let them come as soon as possible. September 22, 1918

We waited all night and didn’t even undress, but sat all the time in the dark, watching through the windows. Cannon �re continued uninterrupted until eleven o’clock. A�er that there were three explosions—they must have been blowing up the bridges—and a�er midnight we also heard machine guns. As soon as morning dawned, Jova went to town. He couldn’t wait any longer. I am worried now because he hasn’t come back. I don’t want him to get arrested and taken away now at the end! In the a�ernoon I went to town. Not a soul anywhere. �e �rms have taken down their signs and are closed. I reached a friend’s house and saw they have prepared wreaths and �ags. Now everybody is critical of the looting, but nobody did anything to stop it. It’s always somebody else’s fault. Our soldiers arrived at �ve o’clock. �is is the happiest day in the life of every Serb. �ere is no end to our happiness and joy. I �rst embraced a Bosnian from 325

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Prijedor. �ey �rst reached the hotel through the park. �en groups arrived one by one. �e soldiers from Moravia will be coming tomorrow. �e nurse is asking for offers for help. Several friends and I will carry things to the hospital. People have sca�ered through the streets to �nd blankets and covers. On Sunday there was a welcome ceremony for the soldiers and I spent a lot of time ge�ing things and carrying them to the hospital. We were all very busy, Jova, the children, and myself; we are all happy. Mila and Mirko are spending all the time on the street in front of the gate. Mirko wants to see everything and is happy. September 25, 1918

I agreed to help out at the hospital. We divided up the girls throughout the hospital to help with the wounded. Two doctors are also here. �e heir to the throne is coming to visit Vranje. September 26, 1918

I go to the hospital �rst thing in the morning to be there when they need me the most. �ere is a lot of work to be done everywhere. Dr. Petrović is the head of the medical service, but I haven’t even seen him over the last two days, that’s how busy I’ve been. I am still a li�le bit afraid. It’s as if I can’t believe all our troubles are over. We aren’t ge�ing any news from the front, or about where our soldiers are, or how far they’ve come. Jova said there was a meeting of Serbian citizens at the municipality this evening. �e commander mentioned that the Macedonians will defend Niš. I heard that the Bulgarians don’t want to accept the peace agreement and will continue to �ght. �ere is no government yet, so we don’t know anything for certain. It’s been almost a week and nobody knows what might happen. How is the ammunition going to be transported to the front line, when the Bulgarians took all the carts with them? We are also lacking in medical supplies. What are we going to do if the bad weather continues and the roads don’t get repaired in time? A local priest donated a room full of underwear to the hospital. I am struggling to divide it evenly so that all those who need it have enough. We are all doing our best to nurse the soldiers. �e young girls at the hospital all work diligently and I’m happy that the children are also offering to help. I am too tired and can’t write about everything. September 28, 1918

I only went to the hospital at nine this morning, because I had to give the children a bath and sort the laundry. I have neglected the house, because I spend all my time at the hospital, trying to organize everything and divide it among 326

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the wounded. People kept bringing offers for the wounded all day. �ere is no organized gathering of material. People come by themselves, except that the whole town is sick and people don’t know yet how much help is needed. I divided patients among the rooms, seeing who should go where depending on their type of illness. I decided where the children would go, checked who should be given what medication, handed out gi�s, and made sure people got their medication. �e most important thing now is to help those poor soldiers at the hospital as soon as possible. I already have chest pain myself; I’m coughing and sneezing because I spend a lot of time in dra�y rooms. I am at the hospital and around it all day, and what are my children doing? Now Mila has to do everything, but she’s still a child. She understands that I have to do what I’m doing and doesn’t complain. She copes the best she can until I come back, but by that time I’m o�en so tired that I can’t help her very much. Mostly I just give her instructions. Still, she takes good care of Mirko and Milica. She loves them very much and is very reliable. September 29, 1918

I have the �u and have been lying in bed all day. I don’t want to give up because there is a lot to do. September 30, 1918

Sunday. I am in bed again. I was feeling very bad yesterday. I had a fever, a cough, and a headache. Despite my good intentions I was unable to go to the hospital yesterday. Hopefully they’ll be able to cope without me. I sent Jova to bring me medicine. Why can’t I get up and take care of things? I can see they can’t manage on their own. Almost all the nurses are sick. If only I could get up again and take care of it all as soon as possible. I had a bad night and still don’t feel very well. I have a headache and am coughing up bloody mucus. I hope it’s not tuberculosis, but it wouldn’t surprise me a�er all we’ve been through. We found a ward where the officers’ casino is located which is full of beds but also of bedbugs. �e beds need to be washed and cleaned. Somebody has to order this to be done, but there is no one to do it. �ey asked Jova to be the head of the station. I told him to run over and do everything he can with the citizens so that the army will get what it needs. I just heard that a local girl’s �ancé was killed near Niš. I feel sorry for his mother. She’s just put her arms around him again and an accident took him away from her. It’s as if that family is cursed. Why do some people have to lose everything, while others don’t lose anything? 327

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I can’t get out of bed despite all this work, because my fever is too high. �is, right at the moment when I would like, with all my heart, to help. Li�le Milica got a bar of chocolate from a captain. She’s holding it in her hand and looking at it as if it were a toy. She doesn’t even know that chocolate is for eating, so everybody laughs at her. If it were a piece of bread or cornbread, she would stick it in her mouth immediately. We put a piece of the chocolate into her mouth, but she didn’t seem as happy as when she got a piece of white bread. She is not used to it because she has never tasted chocolate before. She �nds it strange. October 1, 1918

My condition is ge�ing worse. I had a terrible night. Niš has fallen. �ere are many casualties, but God will help all of Serbia to be free again. My chest hurts a lot when I cough. My sweet Jova started working as the head of the railway station. He is gentle towards me and keeps looking in my eyes. I can see how frightened he is about my condition. I can only now understand his previous behavior. Poverty and desperation coupled with my sick jealousy made him completely crazy. I couldn’t see that because I was desperate myself. Instead of helping him and making his suffering from working at that awful place easier on him, I only made his life more difficult. Perhaps it’s not my fault. Perhaps it was our fate, which was too difficult for both of us to bear. Now the happiness of our country and the people is restoring our personal happiness as well. Now we’ll be able to cure Mirko so that, with God’s help, he can get well. Today I gave my medication to a poor woman, and I also gave her some tea and ten cubes of sugar. She has two sick children. My temperature dropped. I will get up and go to the hospital tomorrow if it stays the same. It won’t be long before things are arranged at the hospital and the people get well in town, so that we can all help the soldiers and our state. October 3, 1918

I had lunch si�ing at the table with my family today. In the a�ernoon the doctor came and said I have bronchitis and should stay in bed. In the evening I again felt bad. If I died now I would have no good clothes for the funeral. It occurred to me they could wrap me up in a blanket as they do with the soldiers. October 8, 1918

�ank God I have �nally go�en well. I went to the hospital yesterday, and today I went to the military station and took a kilo of lard as a contribution. I am shocked when I see that there are people who only want to make money at a time like this. 328

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I believed everything was going to be different when our soldiers came, but bums will stay bums. I am waiting for the county head to come so that we can open the school and so that the few Serbian teachers who have remained here can start working to erase all the traces of Bulgarian propaganda from the schools. My poor mother died eight years ago today. I will light a candle for her at the church. �ere is no meat anywhere. �e butchers are only selling meat secretly and charging a lot for it. At four o’clock we buried a French soldier from the hospital. We prepared a lot of �owers and wreaths. �ey carried his body to the church and then back to the new military cemetery. Right when we were there, a 16-year-old boy set off a shell, which exploded and injured him badly. I doubt he’ll live until tomorrow. October 12, 1918

Today Jova will hand over the station to his deputy and start doing his job as the office head. I wrote a le�er to the county offices in which I made myself available to the Ministry of Education for work at the local schools. October 13, 1918

I went to the hospital yesterday and took a patient two pieces of cake and a bowl of quince preserve for everybody in his room. He begged me to call the doctor for him and I arranged for him to get wine—he will. He begs the doctor to save him because he has �ve sisters, two children of his own, and two from his brother, who are orphans. October 19, 1918, St. Luke’s Day

Mila went to church and lit candles for the dead and the fallen soldiers. She remembered to do this herself and spent her last coin. Jova and I went to the hospital together. I visited the soldiers and realized the rooms hadn’t been cleaned and were cold, and the soldiers were hungry. Mila is now making pancakes; I made bread and prepared some other things to take over to the sick teacher. Everything is expensive, and there is nothing we can buy. October 20, 1918

�ere are a lot of things on the market, but the prices are still high. We don’t have any money le�, but we have to be patient. We’ll have everything soon, now that we are free. 329

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I am desperate. Jova has been feeling bad since last night. When he says he’s not feeling well, that means he’s feeling terrible. I can see it for myself, but I couldn’t keep him from going to work anyway. He sweated before dawn. He had a fever, but he nevertheless got up and le�. He returned around eleven o’clock with dirty hands. Sick as he is, he spent the whole morning repairing the stoves at the office. He was pale and said he didn’t feel well and that his feet were cold. I told him to take off his clothes, gave him hot tea, put warm bricks on his feet, and put him to bed. I boiled some herbs to take every two hours because of his cough. I measured his temperature, which was 38˚C16 at one o’clock. I gave him compresses. At the office, a helper told him to go home and lie down because she saw he wasn’t feeling well. At �rst he didn’t listen to her, but at eleven o’clock he put his hand to his head and said, “Now do what you can, I can’t stay any more,” and �nally went home. Our Mila has been debarking �rewood all a�ernoon. Jova did it until today, but she knows her daddy can’t do it now and went to do it herself. She is a good and hard-working girl. She doesn’t need to be told what to do. She notices it herself and helps out whenever necessary. If only she could continue her education as soon as possible. We can’t �nd anyone to help, not even for money, and she is the only child who can do anything. �e other two are too small and weak. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t be able to do anything. It won’t be for much longer. As soon as we start living normally again, I will spare her from all the work so that she can concentrate on studying to catch up on what she missed. By seven o’clock in the evening Jova’s fever had risen to 39˚C.17 I gave him linden tea and warm salt water to inhale. He coughs a lot and isn’t feeling well. He took medication and I changed his clothes, because he had sweated a lot under the compresses. Everybody I know sent greetings. �ey also went to see the English patients. Only the English received a snack, cocoa with milk, while our soldiers received nothing. We heard Sarajevo has fallen. Jova was very happy when he heard this, although he isn’t feeling well. God, please help Jova get well so that we can go to visit his brothers and sisters together a�er twenty years. I hope God will keep our daddy alive. What are my older children and my sisters doing now? When are we going to be together? I don’t have time to think about them now, because I have a lot to worry about here.

16 17

100.4˚ F. 102.2˚ F.

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October 22, 1918

My sweet Jova had a fever all night and was breathing with difficulty. �ere is nobody to help us. I have to �nd a doctor early this morning, but there aren’t many of them le�. We can’t speak with the English nurses, so it’s difficult. I don’t know who to look for, but I have to �nd a doctor because I don’t know how to help Jova. My poor Jova. How happy we were that we’d survived the occupation and experienced freedom again. I wasn’t aware how worn-out his body was, and he didn’t look a�er himself because he was so happy, and in the end he got sick. Our life has just blossomed again and we are waiting to see our children and relatives, but his emaciated body has been a�acked by a serious illness. Is this the time for him to get ill? I have never seen him lying in bed ill in the 15 years of our marriage. His breathing scares me—I was listening to it all night. I’ve listened to such breathing too much at the hospital over the last four weeks, and my heart breaks when I think that something bad might happen. God won’t let your ideal soul and great goodness, and all the suffering and pain you’ve endured over the last three years, to remain without a reward. It kills me to think you must have contracted your illness from me. I wonder if your weak body will be able to endure it? I have the impression that you are more ill than I was, Jova, and that scares me. Around eight in the morning I ran over to Jova’s office and brought all his county papers home because he asked for them. A�er that I went to look for a doctor. �e doctor came around two o’clock in the a�ernoon. Around noon Jova dictated and I wrote a thorough report for him about the granary. He looked good when we did this. He insisted it had to be �nished, and I wrote it so that he wouldn’t have to get out of bed. October 23, 1918

I was at the hospital yesterday and I called the head of the English hospital, who promised to come. �is morning Jova had a fever of 39˚C and at noon 37˚C.18 At four o’clock it rose to 38˚C again. �e doctor came at two o’clock and diagnosed the �u with bronchitis. A French captain also came from the hospital. He had heard Jova was ill and came to visit him. Many friends and colleagues also came and we had no peace and quiet. I am afraid he got tired from it all. Last night the teacher came and this morning she also had a fever. At noon Jova’s fever again rose to 39˚C and his feet were cold. I got angry with him because he sat all morning in bed and worked. �e supervisor and some guards came to visit him. �ey all 18

98.6˚ F.

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need instructions from him but can see that he’s sick and can’t go on anymore. �e doctor advised him to lie in bed, but he doesn’t listen, as if nothing can be done without him. When I took his notebooks and told him I’ll send everybody away, he said he would get dressed and go to the office. God, please keep him alive for me. What should I do with my sweetheart? I know this is the time when he would like to work, because he’s �nally able to work for his country. I want it too, but I can see that he can’t. I can see that he’s too worn-out and sick. It’s midnight. Everything has come to a stop inside me. I am unaware of what’s happening around me. I only have him and his dead face in front of my eyes. Oh God, this happened today on St. Jakov’s Day my third slava.19 You will celebrate this day, my children, because it gave us your daddy. I believe this was a bi�er challenge, and that your daddy will survive because of you, me, and this country, although he’s still very ill. My dear children, who are far away in the arms of your aunts, you must be doing well because they are looking a�er you. You must be enjoying and celebrating the resurrection of the Serbian people, without even knowing what’s going on here. May God spare you such challenges in the future. Only Mila, your sister, witnessed this painful experience. Our poor girl, she lost the ability to speak from fear and pain a�er we rescued Daddy from death. I noticed how much she was suffering and feeling lost. Around four o’clock the barber came to shave and cut your daddy’s hair. Although he had a fever, Jova got up and sat down on a chair. Mila handed him a pillow to put under his feet, and I put a blanket around him. I went to the room to arrange the bed. Jova just said, “I don’t feel well,” lowered his head, turned blue in the face, and became cold. I could see drops of sweat appear on his forehead. We screamed. �e barber grabbed some water and started to sprinkle him with it. We carried him back to bed together. I rubbed his legs with alcohol, we gave him warm tea, and thank God he came to, but his hands were still blue. �en the English doctor arrived, just at the right time. She ordered that we open all the windows and began to encourage me. When she le�, Jova had a fever of 40˚C.20 We wrapped Jova in cold compresses, although the English don’t recommend it. Jova couldn’t fall asleep but kept telling me to go to bed. I sat down and then went to the dining room, thinking about the children who aren’t here. Will God keep Jova alive and cure him because of them? If he pulls through now, I won’t let him work hard 19

20

While traditions concerning the slava vary widely, it is likely that Natalija is referring here to the preslava, an additional minor slava that many Serbian families at least acknowledge, though most do not celebrate it in any formal sense. 104˚ F.

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until he’s fully recovered. If his body were stronger, if he weren’t so worn-out, he wouldn’t be so ill. Night before October 25, 1918

�is is a difficult and bad night. I am walking around the room like a ghost, listening to Jova’s heavy breathing. I am starting to lose hope. He couldn’t �nd peace tonight. His breathing was heavy, he had a fever and ached. What are we going to do, my sweet children, if we lose our greatest treasure, the best of all parents and husbands? Must this happen now when our troops are marching through Sarajevo, when a�er twenty years the day is near when he could embrace his brothers and his sister? Providence would be too cruel if it took him away from us now. Li�le Milica kisses his hands and strokes him. She doesn’t even know her “li�le daddy” is seriously ill. Was she meant to become an orphan so soon? No, I can’t believe that, I shouldn’t believe that. God will let a miracle happen. Night before October 26, 1918

I made Jova some tea and fed him. I then fed Mirko, because he’s also been ill since yesterday. I have sat down to write some more. Last night I didn’t sleep at all. I thought I would drown in my tears. I have already accepted my fate and thought about what I will do if God takes Jova away from me. I felt numb and cold as a rock, but still undefeated, so I started to think about what I am going to do. I approached the bed—he was asleep. I knelt next to the bed to pray for God’s mercy. I stayed like that until dawn. At seven Jova felt bad again. He coughed so much I thought he would suffocate. I put everything down and rushed to town because we heard that another doctor had arrived. I went to ask him to come and he immediately came with me. He had lost his brother, sister, and wife a month ago. A�er carefully examining Jova, he diagnosed a bad case of Spanish in�uenza but said his heart was still strong and that his lungs are clear except for some noise in the tips of the lungs.21 He gave the necessary instructions, sat down to have coffee, and then somebody came to the door asking for him so he went outside. It was another doctor from Kragujevac, and he talked to him about this illness. Dr. Ivanić had the illness a month ago and couldn’t hear anything for 21

�e Spanish �u pandemic swept through the world at the close of the First World War, causing an estimated 50 to 100 million deaths from 1918 to 1920. It was an In�uenza A virus strain of subtype H1N1, similar in many ways to the current avian �u virus H5N1. Unlike common �us, it most o�en struck and was fatal among otherwise healthy adults between the ages of 20 and 40.

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two days because of the quinine.22 Jova also couldn’t hear well yesterday because of three quinines. When he came back, the doctor didn’t want to charge us anything for coming, so I gave them some quinces for the road. A neighbor’s son brought me some money yesterday and said, “My dad sent you these few dinars to help a li�le.” I was moved by his thoughtfulness. I am glad to see we have real friends. May God reward him for this, and we’ll make sure to return all his favors over the last three years. A�er lunch the English doctor came from the hospital and said Jova was doing be�er. She is very kind. I will make some cake for her tomorrow, or at least some bread, since I have heard that they are eating only brown bread. Jova has been coughing all day and all night. I just made some mead for him. He drank a li�le and has calmed down now. Mirko sleeps well. He also has a fever. I am no longer worried about them because I can see they’re doing be�er, so I hope everything will turn out well. It will soon be a week since I’ve been outside the house. I haven’t had time to inquire about the political situation either, but I know it is excellent. I can’t wait for my sick husband and son to get well. �en everything will be �ne. Turkey and Austria have capitulated, now it’s Germany’s turn.23 I now have my personal troubles to worry about and don’t want to think about anything else. �e only other thing I think about is how to contact my children. I pledged last night I would start my life anew if God gives me back my Jova and that I would forgive everyone who had sinned and wouldn’t make an issue out of it anymore. I will try to repair my relations with those whom I judged. I have to rest a li�le because it’s already one o’clock at night. God will help Jova get some rest until dawn as well. A neighbor told me yesterday, “God will keep him alive, ma’am, because we prayed so much for him.” Night between the 26th and 27th of October, 1918

It’s past midnight already. My sweet Jova still hasn’t fallen asleep. He is lying in bed supported by the pillows because he coughs a lot if he lies down. His fever was low yesterday morning. He even went over to the dining room while we cleaned and aired his room. He started to cough a lot in the morning. His fever rose to 22

23

Used in the prevention and treatment of malaria, quinine is a natural white crystalline alkaloid extracted from the bark of the South American Quinchona tree. Overdoses of quinine cause a condition called cinchonism, which includes among its temporary symptoms ringing of the ears and impaired hearing. Turkey concluded armistice terms on October 30, and Austria on November 3, 1918. Kaiser Wilhelm abdicated on November 9, 1918, and on November 11 all �ghting ceased.

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39˚C at noon and is still high. He coughs so much I’m afraid he will suffocate. I soaked some co�on wool in denaturated alcohol and camphor last night and put it on his chest and around his neck, so he calmed down a li�le. I held him in my arms with his head leaning on my shoulder to rest, but it didn’t help. He is delirious now. He says he dreamt of bread and sacks of wheat around the house. What does that mean? �e English mission doctor didn’t come yesterday. Last night the county head sent people looking for a doctor in town, but they couldn’t �nd the house where he’s staying. �ey said they’ll send him tomorrow. I will see. Our doctors are about to leave and they don’t have any medicine or a pharmacy. �e fact that Jova is able to turn around in bed by himself comforts me. I helped him lie on his right side. If the cough allows him, he’ll get some sleep. Last night I wrote a le�er and called my sisters to come and help me if they can. I always lean on them when I’m in trouble. I hope God will help him get well by the time they come. I hope God will also help our Milica and Mirko remember him as do the older children. Mila and I li�ed him up a bit and gave him an aspirin because he’s delirious and his cough makes him choke. He almost lost his breath. If only his breathing would improve. Hopefully that will happen as soon as this cough gets be�er. He said again he was daydreaming about us ge�ing some �rewood and wheat, and that he ordered them to unload it in the yard. My sick sweetheart, �rewood and wheat are still on his mind. �e three years have rubbed off on him, and he can’t stop worrying even now when he’s sick. I won’t think about it, but I still do. I wonder where I’m going to get a shirt and some underpants. He doesn’t have any socks that are whole. We can’t buy anything now. Should I dress my most precious treasure in rags? But no, no, that won’t happen, that can’t happen. God is always fair; he won’t allow it. Some friends came to visit today. Jova told one that he is in favor of a federal republic. If only God would help him see his region free again. He has carried his pain from leaving his homeland and family long enough. He suffered so much and now he could see his family and homeland. God please help him to be able to go back there with his children and live there for a few more years. �ese are all empty wishes and dreams about freedom and going back to Bosnia. I hope Providence won’t allow this bad illness to take his life. Luka doesn’t even know what his dear brother is going through. How much he misses you all, just as I miss my sweet sisters. Jova always used to say, “When are we going to repay them for everything they have done for us and the children?” 335

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His breathing is so heavy. �is is how my poor mother was breathing and everybody else I have seen on their deathbed. �e fact that I have heard it so many times is killing me, so I now listen to him in the same way! I am going to kiss his tired blue eyes and his smart forehead. My sweetheart, do say something, my sweet baby! It’s three in the morning, I wrapped him in a blanket, and he took an aspirin. He sweated twice. �e second time his sweat was cold. Mila and I changed his clothes and he’s now been sleeping for a whole hour, but his breathing is still awkward and heavy. �e sounds are killing me. �is is a terrible night for me. It’s almost four o’clock in the morning. I can’t wait for dawn so that we can �nd a doctor. October 27, 1918

Two doctors came early this morning. �ey examined Jova carefully and slowly. �ey both agreed he has a bad case of in�uenza and bronchitis. His heart is weak with a li�le bit of sclerosis.24 �ey told me to give him only milk and tea and take good care of him. He needs to spend three weeks in bed, and not get up. October 28, 1918

I wrote my family to come. Jova still has a high fever and I’m very scared. He has been coughing all morning. �e English lady doctor came a�er lunch. She’ll give him a shot tomorrow. �is evening I fed Jova and sat down to write. He coughs a lot again. It is as if his chest is going to split in two. �is evening I gave him an aspirin instead of quinine and am waiting for him to sweat. I am too tired and can’t write. October 29, 1918

�is day was full of hope, but we’ve now had another bi�er challenge. Around �ve o’clock the French captain came from the hospital, and a�er him the head of the hospital. She claims Jova is ge�ing be�er every day, but Jova was delirious all day and says he can hear somebody sawing. �is evening he ate two raw eggs, drank a cup of wine and a cup of milk. As soon as Jova lay down he started to talk nonsense. He is calling his brother Mićo to collect his things and other nonsense. He imagines he can see some workers and talks to them. He is asleep now, but his face is twitching, and he moans with so much pain my heart breaks. I turn towards him and listen to him talk to some invisible people. 24

She presumably means arterial sclerosis—the thickening and hardening of the arteries.

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“Who are you talking to, my sweetheart, when there is nobody here?” I said. “�ere isn’t anybody here, but they won’t leave me alone anymore since I’m closer to the invisibles every day,” he replied. I was shocked. I woke him up, and he opened his eyes and said again, “�ere is chaos at Evica’s place now.” I asked him, “Who is Evica?” and he replied, “She can’t see on one side, Jabukovka, not Evica.” I watch him lying in bed a�er all these years we spent together and I remember all the things from the past. Is this the end of my happiness in life? Why aren’t my children here? I can’t write anymore, because I’m too sad. It’s one o’clock a�er midnight. My sunshine is calmer now. I’ve been si�ing on his bed until now crying and kissing his hard-working and worn-out hands. I kissed the scars from the saw and the axe; he still has a scab on his hand from the last work he did. I begged him to say something. “What do you want me to say?” he said. “If I had a million dinars to give to you I would tell you a lot, but this way…?” Oh, my sweet Jova, my heart breaks from even thinking I could lose you and all our dreams of raising our children going to waste. I don’t need money but you, our good daddy, so that we can be happy with you. He again started to talk nonsense. October 30, 1918

�is was a long and difficult night. A friend came to replace me, so she and Mila watched him from two to �ve, and I went to bed. It wasn’t much of a rest. I will write to the county head and ask him to make sure that my children �nd out that their father’s ill and that they come back with their aunts. I only hope they don’t come too late. Around �ve o’clock the English doctor gave Jova a shot in the right arm. His condition is very bad. He has already started to cool down; I rubbed him and in the morning Mila ran to the hospital to get cognac. He was delirious and kept saying, “A li�le bit of browned �our with onions. Give it to them so that they will leave me alone. Wheat, grains, a�ic, mill, sieve.” He then jumped up and wanted to get everything off of him and wash himself. �is delirium is like madness, and they say he has pneumonia. Two English doctors came and gave him shots. One of them, the head of the hospital, came again this evening. I watch him and want to go crazy. Is it possible I can’t help him, my sweetest Jova, in these difficult times?

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October 31, 1918

�e death ra�le began at ten-thirty. He watched me, and then the English doctor. I began to cry and twist my arms, and he turned to look at her, and she watched him as well. When I saw he was suffering greatly, I began to stroke him and kiss him saying, “Sleep, Jova, sleep peacefully, my sweetheart. Don’t worry about us, my baby. Don’t be sorry for the children’s love. Your Natalija swears she will live for the children and their happiness. My life is over, but I still belong to them and will �ght for them. You know I can do everything for them. Don’t worry, don’t torture yourself, rest a li�le.” I stroked his forehead and he calmed down and closed his eyes. He quietly opened his mouth twice and then it was over. I was there and just watched. �ere was nothing I could do. At eleven o’clock, Jova died in my arms. My sunshine has gone forever, and I’m a poor, sad widow. �eEnglishdoctortookmeinherarms.Idon’tknowhowlongIwasspeechless, and empty, without any feelings, only with a numb pain inside me, almost as if I was unaware of what had happened. I then came to my senses, jumped to my feet, and fetched the underwear and a suit and wanted to start dressing him, but I couldn’t. I was trembling all over and kissing his body, hands, eyes, and everything else. Mrs. Mara called our neighbor and his wife, so they also came running. We dressed him and got him ready. �e English doctor le� and I restrained myself so that Mila wouldn’t wake up. When she awoke she asked, “How is Daddy?” I cried out, “Sweetheart, Daddy is gone.” She gave a terrible cry and started running around the room, screaming. As if my heart and soul had only now opened, I also began to cry with her. It was almost as if I had only then realized what had happened and what I had lost, that from this day I am alone with the children, with no protection or support, no happiness, no companion. He died without happiness. We lit a white candle for him. Next day he was at the house all day so we �lled our dead hearts with his dead soul. Li�le Milica came in, looked around, and said, “Daddy sleeping,” and kissed him. Mirko won’t go near him. He is older and understands some things, but who knows what he thinks? People are coming. �ey are all shocked. I sent wires to the county head and he forwarded them further. Our neighbor and his wife came at dawn. He went to arrange for the coffin, the cart, the grave, and everything else. In the evening the priest came and stayed until midnight, our friends stayed until three in the morning. Other friends came at three and then le�, so we stayed alone in the empty house. I threw myself at Jova, opened his eyes, li�ed him up, 338

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embraced him, and started to unbu�on his suit to wake him up, but he was cold and unable to move. . . �e funeral was organized for ten o’clock in the morning. We waited and they came to li� him up and put him on the �owers. He was surrounded by �owers, whereas he never wore a �ower as a decoration when he was alive. �ey took his pictures in the yard. �ere were a lot of people. Father Milan gave a very nice speech at the church; I am grateful to him. We buried him at the third spot right next to the entrance to the cemetery around noon. Our friends organized everything; I wouldn’t have been able to do it by myself. It all went by me and I still can’t wake up, as if it’s all been happening to somebody else. As if it wasn’t me who was crying. Everything seems unreal. It was terrible to come home a�er the funeral. Everything reminds me of him, as if he were waiting somewhere in the room for us to come back. �e night was even worse. Some friends spent the night at our place. Yesterday, on November 3, we went to the cemetery. I stayed there until noon with Mila. On the way back I searched for him in the crowds at the market, and I thought I could hear him saying, “Natalija, what did you buy? Go home, it’s enough for today.” I am walking through the garden—along the paths he made, next to his bench, his garden, his pig, hens, the children—everything. Milica starts screaming as soon as we begin to cry. Our neighbor spent tonight at our place as well, but we were alone until evening. Jova, I like to talk to you, without anyone disturbing us. I dreamt about you the �rst night, and about our sweet embraces. Tonight you didn’t want to make love. You were angry, my sweet baby, that I saw that English woman yesterday. She took me out so that I can get some sun. She can’t and doesn’t want to know that the sun has set forever for me. Our friends keep coming and I am grateful to them all. �ey are our best friends in Vranje. You know, my sweet Jova, what kind of burden you are leaving for your Natalija, but you didn’t want to leave a will. Where are you now, my sunshine and my soul? �is is a hard lot to bear. I was looking for your watch all day today—I can’t �nd it anywhere. I will look at the office tomorrow and will then ask the watchmaker whether he has it. You didn’t tell me anything, sweetheart, come to my dreams tonight. November 4, 1918

Today is the second sad Sunday, because Jova fell ill at eleven on Sunday and today at the same time I returned from the cemetery and went to his office. I walked through his rooms like a ghost. He was still there two weeks ago, working, 339

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Jova’s headstone, designed by Dragan and placed there in 1934.

and then fell ill for the last time. What happened? Is this all a dream or reality? I walk around the house and the town to the cemetery like a ghost, without seeing anything around me, not even his grave. He isn’t there but I see him everywhere I turn, on the street, at the market, in front of the station, in front of the municipal building, in front of the county offices, in front of the house. I can’t believe this could have happened. I can still see his smile, his walk, his yellow coat…. Oh, what am I going to do now? How can I bring him back, how can I live, how can I tell the children? What are we going to do now without him? November 5, 1918

My sweetest Jova, I was at your cold house this morning and felt very bad, but at the same time I liked it because we were alone. It was a quiet and cloudy morning in the fall. Not a soul anywhere. In that dead silence, I felt your presence beside me and talked to you. I �xed your picture on your cruci�x to look at you, 340

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Jova’s headstone as it appears in 2006.

my sweet eyes.25 I still can’t believe you are buried in that cold soil. I fell to the ground and �oated like a cuckoo bird, my eyes searching the surroundings for you, as if we had come here together and you were here next to me waiting for us to go home to our children together. I look for you at Markovo Kal, and further down near the railroad. When I’m walking through the town, at the market—I see you everywhere. I went to pay the bill at the church, I reached the municipality and I saw you in your gray suit and Panama hat, walk out as a slave, with hunched shoulders and a sad look on your face. I entered the county offices and opened your office—it’s empty, but you are still in front of my eyes as I saw you there three years ago. I looked at our house from the window in the yard. Memories 25

It is customary in Orthodox cemeteries to place a photograph of the deceased on the gravestone; Jova’s grave apparently initially had one. In 1934, his eldest son Dragan designed a large and rather unusual gravestone for his father’s burial site. �ere is no photograph of Jova on that gravestone.

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are everywhere. When I came at noon, I thought I could see you on the window si�ing in a straw chair holding your li�le Mirko and Milica. I went to the basement, walked around the yard—memories of you are everywhere. A�er lunch I went to see the county head, I met him at the entrance, he was very kind and stopped immediately. He promised to help me and recommend me to the new head. I then went to �nd somebody who is going to Belgrade. I met the teacher from Šabac near the municipality. He told me to submit an application for a job immediately. I returned, wrote the application, and took it over to the head, who promised to send it to the minister as a dispatch. How hard it is to wait in front of these doors. �e life of a widow begins. �is evening Milica kissed her daddy’s pictures. She recognizes everything. Mirko talks about him. When I went to the cemetery this morning, he told me to tell his daddy to come back and sighed heavily. We’ll have a service for the dead tomorrow and it will last for seven days. I will only make žito because I don’t want to borrow any money. I know Jova wouldn’t approve of that. November 6, 1918

My happiness, has it already been a week? We went to your grave in the rain today. �e priest read the sermon, and I know you were angry, my baby, because you never liked these ceremonies. Sad is our house now, although the same red banner you put on it is still �ying. Your Natalija has no black fabric to replace it; our days without you are black. November 7, 1918

Today it is seven days since you closed your eyes. �e three of us walk around the house like three cuckoo birds. Our li�le martyr Mirko is the fourth. �is morning I got up early and went to the cemetery. I didn’t stay there long because I had to go to the municipal office. It was hard for me to wait in front of somebody else’s door, and the door of your office was shut. I can only now see that although I thought I was independent and strong, I actually always lived a shielded existence and have only now lost all support. Both office heads saw me and gave me a document saying Jova had fallen ill while on duty. �ey gave me 300 dinars as Jova’s salary. What is that when everything is expensive, and we have a lot of debt. We would have everything if only Jova had stayed alive. He always found a way to make money and feed us even in the worst of times. I now have nobody to rely on. I am alone and have to �ght for myself and the children alone. 342

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I can still see that bed you were lying in a week ago, your eyes swallowing mine and staring into my pupils as if you were trying to tell me something, give me some of your strength. Only now do I understand that look of yours when you were suffering and looked as if you wanted to get some burden off your chest. You were having a difficult time, but then you again started to talk nonsense because you weren’t conscious anymore. Your words nevertheless showed you were worried about us. I don’t remember what happened a�erwards, because your condition deteriorated, and I was losing my mind from fear and sadness. �ey gave you shots, but it was too late. I found your watch, my sweet baby. You hid it where we once used to hide things. What a coincidence. Your watched stopped at twenty to eleven, the exact time of your death! Did it really stop right at that time? I now remember some things that happened before, even that small egg you found and brought into the house, and Jelisaveta and I screamed. And our wedding glass that got broken before you fell ill, perhaps that was an omen. Oh, my sweetheart, I dreamt about you again last night. If only you would come to me in a dream more o�en, it would help me cope be�er with everything. I now live only in my dreams. November 8, 1918, St. Archangel’s Day

We woke up to a white morning. �e snow has covered the �elds. I went to the cemetery in this cold. I was cold, and the grave was covered with snow. How cold he must be in the frozen ground. We had a sad lunch today. Only the four of us alone. We kept turning around as if the children’s daddy would appear from somewhere. A neighbor brought me newspapers. Where are you now, my sweet Jova, so that we can read together as we used to and share our thoughts? Milica climbed on the bed and called for you to come. �is is a hard lot to bear, if we have to spend the whole winter alone. All four of us are just crying and mourning. Nobody came today, and we used to have a full house. Li�le Milica fell asleep in my arms. �is evening she said, all happy, “Daddy sleep my bed.” She still doesn’t understand what happened to her daddy. She is not big enough and won’t even remember him. She knows her daddy is not here anymore, but he will never come back. Jova, my sweetheart, good-night. Who will warm you up, sweetheart, on this cold night in that house of yours? Our bed is empty and cold. I twist around embracing a pillow and kissing my baby instead of you. I don’t think I ever wanted 343

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you more than I do now. But not even this great desire of mine can bring me closer to you. Are you going to come to me in my dream tonight? November 9, 1918

I dreamt about you last night, my darling. You got up from your catafalque when our children came home. Nenad came in �rst, then Danko, than Dragan, who looked small, as if he were ill. What does this dream mean? I probably think of them because I don’t know how to tell them what has happened. How can I tell them that their father, whom they love so much, isn’t here? Today I washed the �oors at the house and the children’s clothes. I am expecting the other children and their aunts to come. I hope they will come, which is probably why I had that dream. I only went to the cemetery in the a�ernoon. While I was there, the lady doctor came looking for me. Mila is suffering a lot. She won’t say a word, but her eyes are full of tears. Mirko lowered his head and has a sad look in his eyes. �eir pain is even worse than my own. Today I gave Jova’s books and papers from the water station to his colleagues. I went to the cemetery when the sun began to set. �ere was dead silence everywhere, and not a soul anywhere. I felt as if I were in the world of ghosts and didn’t cry, because I felt our souls were trembling like leaves on this cold day, and memories were warming up my frozen heart. It was as if I was in another world, and I almost felt happy and calm. Black crows were �ying around. I think I am only now beginning to understand Jova in my thoughts, because his soul was always shut, whereas I now feel united with his soul for the �rst time. I returned from the cemetery with something I haven’t had before. I felt strong and able to face the pain and the misfortune that has happened to us. It is as if Jova were inside me to support me and help me if I fall, to give me strength to do what I promised him I would do. I know his love is now here around us, watching over us. �at’s what he wanted to tell me and I now know it. I am si�ing with his favorite daughter. Her heart is trembling, she puts her head in my lap and says, “Go Mummy to Daddy.” It’s as if she had also felt he was beside us. I won’t let her feel she is an orphan and will love her as if she were still her father’s favorite. �e night is cold and still. Stars are sca�ered across the sky. I watch them and look for yours. It will shine and appear like the icon lamp on my desk. It’s easier for me to live in dreams and memories, at least when I’m si�ing alone at night. During the day I have to �ght and do everything I can for the children, but when night comes and the children fall asleep, I can’t sleep and remain alone with my 344

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thoughts, which take me into the world of memories; I can survive this way. When I remember, I give new meaning to things I paid no a�ention to before. I took it for granted and thought that was how things had to be, without thinking how difficult it was for you and how much you struggled beyond your strength to do everything that was necessary. How could I have been blind to your struggles all this time? How could I have allowed it? November 10, 1918

I went to the cemetery early this morning. A�er that I wandered around the market to buy some wheat for the winter and feed the children. I am half-absent all the time. I thought I could see Jova everywhere, because he used to be next to me in all those places. I haven’t heard anything from home. �ey aren’t writing, and I don’t know how they are doing. When I came home I started going through my diaries and I found the entry of October 31, 1915, when we were in Prokuplje. �at night three years ago Bulgarians and Germans entered Prokuplje. �at’s when we became slaves. And now, when we �nally have freedom, Jova has died. Providence punished me for keeping him from going to war. Why didn’t we part that awful day? Perhaps he wouldn’t have suffered so much and perhaps he would still be alive. �at day seems fatal to me now. If I had been strong, perhaps he would still be alive today. November 12, 1918

�is morning I spent a long time at the cemetery because I needed to talk to somebody about my troubles. �e gardener came later. She is a simple woman but smart, and understands my pain. She says Vranje never had a man like Jova before, and I know very well that not a single woman ever had a husband like him. November 13, 1918

Today I went to the cemetery at noon. Chrysanthemums have started to freeze in this cold. It was very quiet. Nothing to disturb my thoughts and memories. I met one of Jova’s colleagues. He promised to do everything he can so that I will get Jova’s retirement money. But then he went away and I remained alone and desperate. �e education and the justice ministers came from Skoplje today. I have to hand in my teaching application personally. Will I catch them before they leave? Jova, my sweetheart, give me your support in this heavy duty so that I don’t give up and we �nd a way to get food. 345

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November 14, 1918

I came to the cemetery only at one o’clock today and I stayed for a full hour. I was alone. Only the �elds and the sky heard my pain. Everything is being prepared for Greater Serbia. Everything but the two of us. How we used to dream about this! Now we have freedom and overall happiness but are suffering. November 15, 1918

I calmed down a li�le this evening. I feel be�er when I hear from everybody, “�ere aren’t many like Jova.” I look at your portrait and your beautiful smiling eyes—the mirror of a goodnatured soul and your high intelligent forehead. Your chest in which an honest heart was beating and your wonderful, hard-working hands that fed us. Did I have too much and have I therefore lost everything? At noon I met a teacher. We talked about you, the children, and their fate and future. Everything is going to change now and it will be be�er than before. �e children will be able to go to school. I wrote the third application to the Ministry of Education, and took it to the new mayor so that he will give it to the new minister when he comes. I will go back tomorrow, although I don’t like going there and begging. I won’t give up because we gave this country six children. I tried to fall asleep but couldn’t. Milica sleeps quietly with a smile on her face on our bed. I kissed her raised eyebrow, something she got from Jova. �e stove is spu�ering as it used to in that small room of ours. November 16, 1918

Mirko is sad. He and Milica gathered their father’s pictures and are kissing them now. Milica kissed his picture and said,“Li�le Daddy,” and Mirko started to sob, but tried to restrain himself and hid his head. �is morning he told us he dreamt about Daddy: “Mummy, I think Daddy will really be here on the bed today.” Poor children, what are they thinking? Don’t they understand what has happened? �e sky cried today too. I watched the hills above Vranjska Banja and remembered when Jova came on foot to visit us last summer at the spa and we were in church. We found him in front of the house and were happy. Mirko cuddled in his embrace. We escorted him along the riverbank to the mill and kissed him good-bye, waving at him and sending kisses to him until he walked behind the undergrowth. I cried when we lost sight of him, although we were only parting for 346

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a few days. Occupation was hard for me, and now when I should be enjoying our freedom, I feel even worse. How will I be able to look at the road or the bridge Jova built when he is no longer alive? I will ask the county commi�ee to engrave his name into his bridges so that some trace of him remains in this county. November 17, 1918

I read my diaries and remembered that Jova was feeling bad already on August 18, when he was busy with the pig in the basement, which was two and a half months ago. Perhaps we could have saved him if we had taken his condition seriously then. I wonder if there was something I could have done? But he never complained, and he hid from me how bad he was feeling. He was always trying to protect me from too much work, never sparing himself. I believed he was stronger than me and capable of everything, and I didn’t see he was wearing himself out. �ey wanted him to invent water for the hospital when there was no water, so he didn’t have time to think of himself and his illness. A�er that I went to the spa with Mirko, and I didn’t know how he was feeling at work and alone at home with the children. He didn’t complain or tell me anything about it. Only his soul knows how he felt. Why didn’t I see this? I didn’t see a lot of things that I see now as I remember it all. I wasn’t aware of how much he suffered when he had to work like a slave in that damn municipality, where scumbags ordered him around, so that we would have something to eat. How hard he worked both there and at home, doing things he never had to do before. He never said a word about how hard it was for him. But I saw it on his tortured face and his hunched back. Only his soul knows how he felt. I saw that he had grown old prematurely, but I was preoccupied with my own problems and suffering and didn’t know when the time was right for me to do something to help him. And he wanted me to take Mirko to the spa at all costs, so that we were doing everything we could for him. It was more important to him for his child to get well. I remember how tired and worn-out he looked when he came to visit us at the spa. And I was angry that he didn’t come more o�en. When I remember my stupid jealousy! Why wasn’t I able to see that I was losing him to the unbeatable rival, death, who, in the end, took him away from me? �is morning I went to the cemetery. �ere are too many people there on Saturday. From now on I will go in the a�ernoon, because I can be alone then and talk to my Jova. I tell him what I’m doing and feel he supports me and prevents me from giving up. I haven’t heard any news from my children in Arandjelovac. Perhaps they still don’t know. 347

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November 18, 1918

We can’t �nd consolation anywhere, only pain and suffering. I now need your advice, Jova, so much. Yet when I had it I didn’t appreciate it. Now I have to decide about everything myself. We slaughtered your pig. You took care of him even when you were ill. Your contractor is the commander of the prison guard at the court building here. When I broke down crying yesterday and said, “I’ve been begging the butchers all day to slaughter a pig for me, but they won’t do it,” he told me he would send a man, and he did. So, we slaughtered the pig and cleaned it. I cut it up and salted it myself and cried all the time because I remembered how we slaughtered the other pig two months ago together and how happy we were. I remembered how we melted the fat and cut up and salted the meat. Where are you today to help your poor and desperate wife? Yesterday I pickled the cabbage myself. Our neighbor made a wheel from the vine branches to put underneath the stone that’s going to press the cabbage. �e axe broke and there is nobody to repair it. Nobody wants to debark the �rewood either. �ey say it’s too thick. When you were here with us, you did all this. I came to the cemetery at two o’clock. Somebody removed the picture I had put on your cross. May God take his eyes and his hands. Why did he cause me such pain? �ere was not a single soul at the cemetery. I was crying surrounded by dead silence. When my teeth started to cha�er from the cold, I went home burdened with my thoughts and my pain. November 19, 1918

I was asked to come to the county offices because the head of the education ministry has come. I was promised a job. He received my application and I hope this will be done soon so that our children will have bread. November 21, 1918

It has been a month since you fell ill and three weeks since the black soil swallowed you. At one o’clock I went to the cemetery. I didn’t stay long but returned home, only to �nd Mila lying in our bed. It’s a holiday today and everybody is outside taking a walk. Life goes on as usual, and we are despairing in these four walls. I saw poor refugees today who are going home, barefoot, without clothes or anything else. �ey die on the street without shoes or clothes among Christians and civilized people. I cried because I now have nothing to give them. I gave them what I could, but now we are poor ourselves. Life is sometimes too bi�er indeed. 348

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November 22, 1918

Mila has had a fever of 39˚C since yesterday. I went to see the office head and he again gave me 300 dinars. I le� Mila ill at home with the two li�le ones. She felt much be�er around noon. I ran over to the cemetery. I stayed there for a while, and then went back to the office. �ere was a meeting of the Circle of Serbian Sisters in Jova’s office. I returned home and Mila was feeling bad. She has sweated but her fever is still high. I am afraid of the coming night. I am alone, and there is no one to help me. November 23, 1918

I fed our sick Mila and opened a window, because it’s a beautiful day outside. Li�le Milica fell asleep, and Mirko is si�ing among his toys with a thoughtful look on his face. “What are you thinking about, my sweet son?” I asked him. “About Daddy,” he replied. Tears came to my eyes. “What are you thinking about Daddy?” I asked him. “If he were still alive he would buy me a ri�e, a drum, and everything else now. �at’s what he said, when the Serbs come, he’ll buy me everything.” Oh, my Jova. You’ve already heard all my pain when I kneeled next to your cold house this morning. I cried from the park to the cemetery as I walked through the empty streets. We spent three years under the enemy’s rule and nobody took anything away from us. Last night, however, somebody broke the locker on our shed and stole from us a sack of cabbage and some �rewood. How can I explain to the child that I don’t have the money to buy him what you promised, although freedom has come? It’s ten o’clock. �e children are asleep. Mila is also sleeping quietly. Her temperature has dropped, but she was bleeding from the nose and the mouth for a long time. I was going through my notebooks to see how many payments Jova received from the municipality. I found his notepad with a diary from 1914, the year he was in the military. I closed my eyes and was listening to the carriages just as I did when Jova used to come from the station. I remember how he walked through the yard in his fur coat holding a leather bag in his hand. I would run into his arms, and he carried me up the stairs and kissed me. I felt light as a feather in his arms. What happened? Where did all his strength go? Where did our happiness go? I got a card from an acquaintance in Niš. He couldn’t deliver my le�er to Arandjelovac and our poor children still don’t know anything. I occasionally lose 349

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my spirit and accept our fate, but it’s enough for me to look at your pictures, your warm eyes and your mild expression, to hear you say, “Calm down, Natalija. You can’t expect only good things from life. Accept everything that life throws at you.” Our li�le Mirko has only now begun to mourn. He is sleeping in our bed tonight. He is strong and doesn’t cry, but he is desperate, and I have to pay more a�ention to him now, to comfort him and console him. Jova used to spend a lot of time with him and tried to entertain him and cheer him up, so now he misses him a great deal. He is too young to worry, and too unhappy and helpless, which is why I have to help him the most. It’s already eleven o’clock and I have dozed off. November 24, 1918

It’s been exactly a year since we sent our three sons away. �ey are orphans now, who didn’t even have time to embrace or see their daddy before he died. Four years ago Jova was in the military and repaired roads with his company. �e roosters are crowing for the second time, happy people are sleeping, and I am ge�ing up desperate in my cold room. What should I tell the children now and how should I comfort them? �ey will have a hard time without his huge love, as will I. November 26, 1918

A�er lunch Jova’s younger colleague came with an a�orney who promised to do everything he can. I got some bad news that Jova’s pension won’t be high. Why didn’t he go to work for the state when I asked him to three years ago? I heard they will put together a sum for his salary. Until all this is done, what are we going to do? I don’t feel well, but I got up because I have to. �ere is nobody to open their door to us, let alone help us. �ose two li�le ones, who have never asked for food, now always want something to eat. Do they sense that we have nothing? I dreamt about Jova before dawn. He was walking toward town but had turned his head away from me and didn’t want to stop. Last night I wrote a le�er to Jova’s brother Luka. What is he going to do? What is Jova’s family in Bosnia going to say? Jova died a�er just ten days of illness just as his nephew Svetko did. November 27, 1918

I got a le�er from my sister Bela. �ey know Jova is seriously ill but they are hiding it from the children, who keep asking when they’re going to see him next. How are they going to hide his death from them? 350

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Natalija’s younger sister, Bela, in Arandjelovac, 1918.

When I came to the cemetery, it was already evening. I sat on the carpet made of chrysanthemums. A boy came by, surprised to see anyone there at this time of the day. I lit a candle. �e light twinkled in the fog. �rough the fog I could see the church tower and that huge poplar tree with branches cut off on the way to the church. I didn’t cry because I was consoled by the beauty of the evening. �e sky was red above the Vranje Fort and suffused the grave and the candle with a beautiful crimson light. Today the Kingdom of Serbs, Croats, and Slovenes has been officially announced. It’s be�er, my sweetheart, for you not to know that the ancient name of Serbia is disappearing so that some new Yugoslavia can be born. I don’t think you would have liked it. You always wanted all the Serbs to live together. Now we’ll be so mixed nobody will know what belongs to whom.26

26

�e date Natalija provides (November 27) for this important event is inaccurate. �e official declaration of the Kingdom of Serbs, Croats, and Slovenes occurred on December 1, 1918, or, according to the old calendar, November 18. Most likely, she received the news more than a week late, perhaps in a weekly magazine, and simply failed to notice the correct date due to her continuing preoccupation with Jova’s death.

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November 28, 1918

�is morning I gave the lawyer a request for the ministerial board to arrange some kind of aid for me on the basis of my widow’s pension. I also wrote a le�er to the insurance company and told them about Jova’s death. �e a�ernoon was beautiful, so I took li�le Milica to the cemetery. We took some new chrysanthemums from our garden. Milica kissed the cross and kept asking for Daddy. We returned home and found a le�er from Luka wri�en on November 13. He arrived in Belgrade and wonders how we’re doing. He will be my advisor from now on instead of Jova. November 29, 1918

Mila made lunch. I ate and then went to the hospital to get a death certi�cate. I visited the patients in town and then went to the cemetery. A�er that I returned home and prepared a speech to members of the Circle of Serbian Sisters for tomorrow’s service for the dead. Tomorrow is also the king’s slava; I have to speak in front of the church, because it’s forbidden to speak inside. I don’t know what Jova would say about me going back to doing social work. I have to make my way for the children, because I now have to �ght for them alone. I won’t sit in the corner like a black widow. I want to be worthy of my Jova and make everybody respect me as well. November 30, 1918

If Jova were beside me now, he would be happy and would have kissed me. �is morning the Circle of Serbian Sisters organized a service. A�erwards the mayor approached me and said he got a wire from the mayor of Niš asking him to personally give me his condolences. I thanked him and was pleasantly surprised by the fact that Jova’s former friends have begun to contact me. A�er I gave a speech in front of the church on behalf of all the members, everybody was speechless. It was very touching, because everybody remembered the occupation well. When I �nished, the office head walked up to me and thanked me. A�er that, two colonels �rst expressed their condolences and then thanked me and congratulated me on my speech. Other men and women approached me, all with tears in their eyes. When I returned home, I found Mila desperate. She is withering in front of my eyes. If only her brothers would come home! Our li�le Mirko keeps saying the weather is beautiful, but Daddy is not here to take him out. I only now see how good Jova was to all of us. His coat and hat are still hanging by the door. I pressed my face in his coat and felt his smell, as if he were still here. 352

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December 2, 1918

Today I was the one member of the Circle of Serbian Sisters on duty at the kitchen for refugees from Macedonia and disabled people. I contributed a kilo of mu�on meat and we made some cabbage with meat for them. �is is for my late Jova’s soul. At one o’clock I hurried to the cemetery. It was very cold, and I returned immediately. I didn’t go yesterday. �is evening I will write a report to the county offices about the things that remained in our apartment when we le�. December 3, 1918

Last night was a difficult night. I went to bed at two o’clock a�er I had �nished that list of things. Milica was dreaming and mentioned Daddy’s name. Around �ve in the morning there was an earthquake, and I haven’t slept since. Alone with the children, I waited to see if there was going to be another one. �ey were asleep and knew nothing about it. December 4, 1918

I haven’t heard anything from Bela or the children and am slowly ge�ing desperate. December 5, 1918

I got a lot of things from the English doctor for my orphans. Mirko got a pair of trousers, some underwear, and a pair of shoes, and Milica a lot of other things. �is was a shock for me, who hasn’t go�en anything from other people up until this point, but today I had to accept everything people wanted to give me. I still give to others who are poorer than we are. December 8, 1918, St. Nicholas’ Day

�is holiday was not as bad under occupation as it is now when we are alone. �is morning I went to the cemetery. Tomorrow we will commemorate 40 days since Jova’s death. I had a stomachache last night, but I got up early this morning and made bread and žito for the service. At dawn I went out to the street with buckets to get some water at the drinking fountain. �e street was empty, not a soul anywhere. I cried and looked at the house where we spent our happiest years in Vranje. I walked through the empty garden and went inside to prepare some žito, �gs, and biscuits as is customary. �e service was at Jova’s grave at eleven o’clock. It was pouring rain until ten o’clock but at eleven the sun came out for my good husband. When the service was over we came home, and it started to rain again. 353

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December 12, 1918

I have been feeling desperate since last night and spent all night crying. As soon as it was dawn, I picked some chrysanthemums and went to the cemetery. �e women returning from the service for the dead saw me and stopped to take me home. It was nice to hear these simple souls talk about Jova’s goodness. A�er lunch I went to the meeting of the Society for War Orphans. I go everywhere but Jova is always on my mind, encouraging me not to give up. I went to the mayor and asked him whether we’ll get any money for the holidays, and he told me there are no more loans. I think he’s lying, or he’s afraid to give me any more money, since he doesn’t know how the pension will be resolved. �e accounting section has no money. I haven’t even received the posthumous salary. I haven’t heard anything from the children and nobody else writes to us. It’s hard to be without anybody’s help. December 15, 1918

Yesterday my oldest sister, Jelka, came. She walked all the way from Arandjelovac. She went through Kragujevac, Rekovac, Kruševac, Prokuplje, and Leskovac.27 From there she rode in a car to Vranje. She fell and her leg is still swollen. I shudder to think what she had to go through to get here. It’s be�er that she didn’t take the children with her, because it would have destroyed them. I got a le�er from Jova’s brother Luka. He learned about Jova’s death and is devastated. He asked me to look a�er myself because of the children. Today I went to the cemetery before dark. It was a beautiful evening. I sat there begging Jova to give me a sign that he is here, beside me, but he is inexorable. I haven’t heard anything about my appointment yet. I won’t be ge�ing any money from the accounting section either. Life is too hard for me. December 16, 1918

Today is Mother’s Day. On this day Jova kissed me for the �rst time. We all went to the cemetery this morning. My poor sister Jelka cried both because of Jova and because of us. She is still exhausted from the trip. I wonder where she found enough strength in her thin li�le body for such an effort. It was only her great love for us that brought her here. Jova’s old clerk keeps coming every day. When I listen to him talk about their work, I have a feeling Jova is also here with us. 27

�at is a distance of approximately 250 km or about 155 miles.

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December 19, 1918

I went to the cemetery around ten. It was a beautiful day. Tomorrow I will go with the authorities to show them that hole in the ground where Jova saw dead bodies when he and the children went to pick hazelnuts. It will be difficult to walk the paths Jova and I walked together happily so many times. I remember when he was making a road during the Turkish war, and we made a �re with blackthorns and had lunch. Cannons were thundering at the St. Elijah watchtower, and the two of us were awaiting the happiness of our people in those hills. With whom will I now share my happiness and sorrows? We will run out of money again soon. Will anyone remember us? I am waiting to be appointed a teacher here, as was promised. Everybody promised, but they all forgot about us and failed to keep their word. But I won’t give up. Today I wrote the Minister of Construction asking them for a job. �e children and Jelka are asleep. �is evening some engineers came to visit. I talk as happily and lively with them as I used to when Jova was still alive, because it always seems to me that he is also with us. I hide my pain because I don’t want pity. One of them comes every day and brings biscuits to Milica and Mirko. I like that because he loved Jova very much, and he talks to me about the work they did and the time they spent together. I am not strong, although I pretend I can deal with anything. I don’t want anybody to see my weakness. I constantly feel pain in my chest, I don’t know if it’s physical or whether my soul hurts. Maybe it’s both. December 21, 1918

Around nine o’clock yesterday I headed for the Devotin watchtower with several people, including the policeman and some Gypsies. We found two holes covered with rocks right underneath the watchtower and to the le� of the spring that runs there. Digging began and we found human skeletons and a decomposed military uniform with a civilian vest and an officer’s blouse. We le� that as it was and walked uphill from the stream along the path that runs next to the Red Hill and a�er about a hundred meters came across another ditch—where they used to burn charcoal. It was full of civilian clothes, already decomposed, as well as bones. We also found three skulls with clean bones. �ey then searched the spring and found two more skulls. I walked through some shrubs and picked daffodils and moss to put on Jova’s grave. Turning toward the road leading to the watchtower, I sat down at the place where I was si�ing four years ago when my Jova marked the route for the road to Leskovac. �ey called me to come eat with them. I didn’t want to but satis�ed 355

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myself with a piece of �at bread I’d brought with me and some daydreaming about the days of the past. I remembered the time when we all made daytrips to the watchtower. Jova would inspect the watchtower, which is now demolished, while the children and I picked �owers in the spring and the grass and enjoyed nature. �at was such a long time ago, even before the Balkan Wars. Around two o’clock we headed back. On the way we stopped at the fort and enjoyed the nice view of Vranje. I looked at those places and the rocks we once used to walk upon, the ruins where we used to have lunch. When we came back to Vranje we went straight to the cemetery, where they deposited the bones and I visited Jova’s grave. December 24, 1918

�e children are in bed wearing fresh underwear. I gave them a bath. �is is a cheerless Christmas Eve, because we are alone and poor. We prepared some food and cakes for luck, but we don’t have a roast. Last Christmas Eve was happier, although we were under occupation, because we were waiting for freedom and were together. Now freedom is here, but Jova is gone. Today I received a le�er from Luka. He says Jova should be buried next to his parents. Can’t he be buried next to my parents, so that the children and I can visit his grave more o�en? Who would visit him there in Bosnia? All that costs money, and we don’t have any now. December 25, 1918, Christmas Day

�is morning I went to the cemetery early. I thought I would be alone, but there were again many people there. In the a�ernoon, except for our closest neighbors, nobody came to see us. Milica is sleeping. Mirko is si�ing next to the window, watching what’s going on in the street. �e �re in the stove is popping. �e candle in the icon lamp will soon burn down. Its light is illuminating Jova’s picture, and I am si�ing in silence, sad and depressed because of my fate and the future. I hide my thoughts from the children because I don’t want to make their fate, of which they may not yet aware, even harder. I am thinking and believe I can hear Jova’s voice: “I wonder what type of administration we will have and how the southern issue will be resolved?” How we used to talk about everything and adjust our opinions. �at’s why I still know what he would say or think. Now I have no one to talk to and discuss things with. Even if I had someone, it’s highly unlikely I would �nd someone whom I would respect or trust as much as I did Jova. When I �rst met him I knew he was smart and rational and that I could rely on his opinion at all times. 356

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I am very impulsive and therefore o�en �rst make a mistake, carried away by my emotions. Jova was always composed, thoughtful, and wise, and always thought things through before saying anything. When he said something, it meant he had weighed all the options in his head and reached a certain conclusion. I know he didn’t think a new state should be created. He wanted a single state for all the Serbs, but I’m not sure why. We didn’t have time to discuss it. I suspect his life in Bosnia contributed to his opinion. He always said he wanted a free and united Serbia, with all Serbs living in it. Shots could be heard all day in town. For everybody, this is a Christmas of song and freedom. I saw young people gather to go to concerts. �at’s �ne, we’ve suffered enough. May those who wish to sing, sing. New neighbors are si�ing across the street. �ey turned the house into a hotel and each night is a testimony to the modern and “emancipated” lifestyle of our women. I received 300 dinars yesterday. I immediately paid 90 dinars rent to the landlord until January 1. If only my income were sorted out, so that I could pay the bills without begging for money. Jova taught me to live without debt, and I’ll teach our children the same if I should live long enough to do so. I watch those three stars in the sky, which I ask every night to give Jova my love and greetings. �at’s why I want to be alone in silence every night, because that’s the time when our souls touch in the universe. Mirko o�en remembers his daddy and talks about what they did together. He has remembered his love and sacri�ce. Whenever Mila does something wrong, she immediately mentions Daddy. She knows that way she’ll stop my anger, because she makes me remember his patience and love. Today we received a card from my oldest son, Dragan. He regrets not having kissed his father for the last time. He begs me to look a�er myself and not to give in to pain. He says that every house lost somebody in this war. He is not old enough to understand my loss.

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Introduction

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Introduction

Chapter 11.

Beginnings 1919

Background

T

he year 1919 opened to the enormous task of reconstruction in the newly proclaimed Kingdom of Serbs, Croats, and Slovenes. Hoping to distract herself from her overwhelming sense of grief and loss, Natalija threw herself into this work. By the time the war in Serbia was over, half the male population between the ages of 18 and 55 had perished and many towns as well as the infrastructure of Serbia had been destroyed. Serbia’s rail system, which Jova had worked so hard to build, was particularly hard hit: retreating Bulgarian troops destroyed the Niš repairyards and most of the rolling stock that the Austrians had not taken with them. �e British, French, and Americans sent money and personnel to Serbia and other parts of the new kingdom to help with the process of rebuilding, and Natalija came into frequent contact with them. Nevertheless, Allied support did not translate into immediate recognition of the new Kingdom of Serbs, Croats, and Slovenes nor signal international agreement on what the borders of this new state should be. Although this recognition was forthcoming by the following May, sorting out the new borders of the state took considerably longer. While these international negotiations over the future shape of the state continued, internal disputes over the new constitutional order intensi�ed. Natalija was not alone in her disappointment at the South Slav state that emerged at the end of the war. Like most Serbs, she had hoped for the establishment of a Great Serbia, and, while the new state did indeed include Bosnia-Hercegovina, it also included Croatia and Slovenia to the north. �e population of these areas, it was becoming increasingly clear, was not happy about the unitary state order that was emerging in 1919. Most Serbs believed they should hold a 359

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preeminent position in the new state by virtue of their sacri�ces during the war and their previous political experience. �eir national ideologies and political experience inclined them to support an expansion of the Serbian state on the basis of unitarism. Slovenes and especially Croats, in contrast, supported a federal political order, which would grant them maximum political autonomy. It is possible that these differences could have been resolved had they been tackled immediately a�er the war. Instead, during the long wait for a constitution, Serbs simply assumed control of the new political institutions. �e Serbian Parliament was expanded to form the basis of the Provisional Assembly, while the Serbian army and bureaucracy poured into Croatia and Slovenia, where they alienated the local population by sometimes acting like an occupying power. By the time elections to the Constituent Assembly were held in the fall of 1920, a unitary political arrangement had been virtually established, without the acquiescence of many citizens of the new kingdom. �e problems of incorporating new territories in the south, closer to Vranje, proved particularly difficult. In the period between the acquisition of Macedonia during the First Balkan War and the outbreak of the First World War, little had been done to integrate this territory into Serbia, or to respond to the national sensibilities of its inhabitants, many of whom, as Natalija observed, did not necessarily see themselves as Serbs. Four years of enforced Bulgarianization during the occupation had only worsened the problem. Li�le effort was now made to acknowledge the existence of a large non-Serb majority in Macedonia, let alone in Kosovo to the west. Indeed, it would take at least another year of �ghting for the Serbian army to bring this area under control, as Albanian guerillas continued to resist the incorporation of Kosovo into the Kingdom of Serbs, Croats, and Slovenes. �e new kingdom required the energies of its citizens to overcome the ravages of war and to promote the integration of the various regions it now comprised. Natalija’s training as a teacher was in high demand in Vranje, as was her dedication to teaching proper methods of hygiene. When the Circle of Serbian Sisters organized nursing activities and hospital care for returning Serbian soldiers, Natalija became an enthusiastic and dedicated participant in this women’s organization, overseeing a volunteer nursing staff and helping to procure supplies for the hospital. Within months, she had joined the local elementary school (and later the high school) as a teacher and was elected head of the teaching staff. Although she still could not vote—women’s suffrage was not introduced until a�er the Second World War—she could play a vital role 360

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in this crucial period in Serbia’s history. �ose around her appear to have felt the same way, as they elected her to leadership positions in several social and political organizations. What she hardly expected was that, in the whirlwind of reconstruction, she would �nd love again and begin to rebuild her sha�ered personal life.

December 27, 1918

I went to the cemetery yesterday a�ernoon. It was a beautiful day so there were many people and a lot of noise on the street. At the meeting of the Circle of Serbian Sisters we dealt with the preparations for the party and in the end I was chosen to prepare a speech. I agreed, but I’ve changed my mind. I realized it makes no sense for me to open the �rst party of the season in a black veil. �is morning I went to cancel it. �at turned out to be a problem, because they couldn’t �nd anybody else to do it. Finally, another woman agreed to read what I am going to write. In the a�ernoon I went to see a teacher to see what kind of songs they are preparing for the party. He is preparing the Serbian and the Croatian anthem. He is angry with the Circle of Serbian Sisters for not asking the mayor for the money allocated for refugees. Instead they are trying to wheedle it out of citizens, while he is preparing concerts for the refugees. I will inquire into this. I went to the cemetery around �ve o’clock in the a�ernoon. I wasn’t able to light a candle because of the wind. When I returned home I saw a hospital car parked outside. I am urgently needed by an English woman from the mission, a suffrage�e, who wanted to �nd out what can be done for abandoned children. I explained to her the basics of our association and told her what we need. She asked me whether the children will learn English in the grammar school, whether they will catch up on what they’ve missed, how many students we have and what they need, whether there are enough teachers, etc. We’ll see what will actually come out of this. Everybody just offers promises, but then they don’t do anything. Mirko is sick, Milica has again had the �u, and Mila has a bad cough. �ank God my sister Jelka is here, so she can help me with the children. If only my Jova were alive, we would be free and making plans for the future of our children. We wouldn’t need anybody’s help. But I will �ght alone, because I know what he wanted for them. Mirko also needs to go to school. �e other children won’t have a difficult time, but he is just as smart. I will have to �nd a way for him to �nish school as well, because that’s the only way he can live from his own labor. 361

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December 28, 1918

I went to see the teachers yesterday about the party of the Circle of Serbian Sisters. I told them about the problems with recitals since the Bulgarians spoiled the children’s language. One teacher jumped to his feet and began to criticize Vuk Karadžić, calling him a fool and the man who destroyed our nation.1 I blew up and said, “Vuk is the father of Serbian literacy. All of Europe recognized his orthography, based on the principle ‘write as you speak.’ No other nation has that, only the Serbs, and that’s thanks to him. And now, only you don’t recognize him.” “�at’s different,” he said, “but Vuk was not a good politician.” “Science and politics have nothing to do with each other,” I said. It was a bi�er argument, but then we moved on to goings-on in Vranje, the marriages with Bulgarians, etc. We parted at midnight. December 30, 1918

I arrived at the cemetery at noon today. It was empty. I don’t have money for a fence around the grave, and everybody is telling me to go to Belgrade. How can I leave him like this? I went to Vranje to check on the public kitchen organized by the Circle of Serbian Sisters and saw the children there. I asked them to repeat their recitations for me. �ey didn’t learn it well, but I don’t have time to teach them to speak nicely or improve their diction. At least they’ve learned it all by heart. A Gypsy band also gathered to see if they could play a sequence of dances. When they started to play Serbian kolos, I remembered Jova, still in full strength, turning clumsily in the middle of the kolo just to please me. I asked him to dance although he didn’t know how. I think I knew how to dance our kolos from the day I was born, and I learned the classic dances when I was in college. I always liked to dance. I prepared the recitations for the children, but I don’t like the administration of the Circle of Serbian Sisters at all and will resign. Everybody is thinking about partying more than what they should do to help, and I don’t have time for that kind of nonsense. I have be�er things to do at home than to waste my time with primitive people.

1

Vuk Stefanović Karadžić (1787–1864) laid the foundation for the modern Serbian language by reforming the Serbian literary language and standardizing the Serbian Cyrillic alphabet. He modernized Serbian literary language, distancing it from Serbian and Russian Church Slavonic and bringing it close to common speech instead. He is perhaps best known for his orthographic reforms, which ensure that Serbian words are always spelled just as they are pronounced and vice versa.

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December 31, 1918

I am sorry I agreed to prepare the recitations because the whole thing wasn’t a concert, but an orpheum, as the so-called professor printed on the announcement. I stayed until nine o’clock when the recitations �nished and then went home with Mila. �ere was moonlight on the way back and not a soul anywhere—nobody to walk us home. If Mila hadn’t been with me I would have gone to the cemetery, but it’s be�er for her to go to bed. January 1, 1919, New Year’s Day

�is morning the postman brought me a le�er from Jova’s brother Luka. I was very happy. Luka writes that the minister will appoint me as a teacher. I haven’t received the official con�rmation but hope it will come in a few days. I resigned from the Circle of Serbian Sisters. I also got a le�er from Jova’s colleague, George Matić, who has been in Russia. January 2, 1919

I worked with the administration of the Center for Abandoned Children and War Orphans today. I went to the hospital and looked for the director. He too is angry with the English doctors. It seems that nobody can stand them here. I didn’t have time to go to the cemetery. Forgive me, Jova, it’s already eleven o’clock. Everybody is asleep, and I’m still working. I have to do everything. I will ditch everything unnecessary and only look a�er the children; then you’ll be satis�ed. Mirko has not been feeling well for a few days now. I will have to call the doctor. I ordered high heels for Mila to be made of that material I got. I want to cheer her up. Perhaps I’m crazy for ge�ing involved in social work. I wouldn’t be able to do it if my sister Jelka weren’t here, but it keeps my mind off my worries. I think about other people and therefore not only about my own troubles. Eventually I will have to stop being sad, face reality, and dedicate myself to the children. I know they need me the most, but they and the house constantly remind me of Jova. I run away from it in order to be able to survive until my pain lets up a li�le bit. I am lucky that Jelka is here and that she understands me. She is both a sister and a mother to me these days. She says my sadness will pass with time. She knows from experience because she lost her beloved husband. She didn’t have any children so she loves my children as if they were her own.

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January 6, 1919

Snow, everything is white around us. I spent the day inside, working and feeling sad. Now you can buy everything at the market, but we don’t have any money. We have run out of �our and lard. �ey invited me to the meeting of the Circle of Serbian Sisters but I didn’t go. I am si�ing at home with Mirko. I a�ended the teacher’s council meeting yesterday. When I start working at the school, I will distance myself from my worries. Mirko doesn’t have a fever today, but he seems very weak. Dear God, please cure him completely, so that he doesn’t curse life and his mother, or send him to the other world to embrace his beloved daddy. Forgive me Jova, for saying this, but I don’t know what to do with his legs. His body and legs get more and more deformed as time goes by, and nobody can tell me how to cure him. Nor do I have the money to do it. I am afraid my life is going to be hard no ma�er what I do. Even now he suffers all the time. How will it be when he is a grown-up man, if he stays like this? He won’t be able to experience human happiness of any kind. And who will look a�er him when I am gone? My death will be as hard as yours, my Jova, because I know this was the only thing on your mind until the very end. January 7, 1919, St. John’s Day

Today was Jova’s name day. He didn’t even live to be 48. I took white wall�ower in bloom to his grave. I was also at the burial of those bones that were exhumed near Devotin. A�er that I went to school to �nd out which grade I will be teaching. �ey gave me the boys’ third grade. I can’t wait to start working. I don’t think my female colleagues like me that much, but I don’t care about them as long as I can win the respect of my male colleagues. January 9, 1919

�e other teachers and I met a�er lunch today to divide up the children. We don’t have enough rooms or teachers. I got 85 pupils and I don’t even have ten desks. I don’t know what I’m going to do. �e classrooms are dirty and there is a lot of dust everywhere. I can’t bring the children to these rooms! January 11, 1919

Today I wrote to the director of the American mission in Skoplje asking for help. �ere is chaos at the school. It’s not clear who is in charge of what. �ere is a lot of dust and dirt everywhere. I don’t know if anything will improve a�er St. Sava’s Day. I have 120 children in my class and they keep coming. I don’t know 364

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how we will manage with such a small number of classrooms and nothing else. Grammar schools aren’t open yet. We don’t have any �our. Bread is expensive, and we don’t have any money. I don’t want anyone to take pity on me when God wasn’t merciful enough. January 12, 1919

I sent the children home today because I can’t work in that �lthy classroom. We decided to introduce some order into teaching a�er the St. Sava celebration. �e children brought �owers, so we made wreaths for the school and the pictures of our rulers. But there was no joy of the kind we envisaged. Everybody is worried about their existence, depressed and apathetic. �e children lack discipline, and I can’t imagine I’ll be able to do much with them. We threw the English women out of the hall, but a�er we whitewashed the walls, they moved back in and played soccer, regardless of our celebration. I have no money. One teacher gave me 50 dinars. I didn’t want more. I can’t incur too much debt, and I try to hide from Jelka that I don’t have money. I don’t want her to worry. She’s already given me everything she brought with her. Today I collected a lot of green plants the children brought to school and took them to the cemetery. St. Sava’s Day is in a couple of days. We celebrated it three times under occupation, but Jova is no longer here, I don’t feel like celebrating at home. We don’t have any news from Belgrade. All kinds of news is circulating. �ere will be trouble a�er this quiet period. �is evening I saw large numbers of refugees standing in front of the county offices. �ey all have nice travel bags and suitcases. �ey say they are coming from Romania, and that they are Bulgarians from Macedonia. I was shocked when they said they were Bulgarians. And our soldiers sent them like this without even peeking into their suitcases? �ey could all be Bulgarian agitators whom Bulgarians want to smuggle over to Macedonia as refugees. I will go tomorrow to inquire in more detail about who they are and where they’re going. If necessary, I will also warn the county head. Night before St. Sava’s Day

Although I am physically exhausted, my soul is �lled with a strange yearning, pain mixed with joy. What is happening to me? I am looking to meet someone who will understand me. Is that possible when Jova is gone? Or could this be him sending me consolation. My good Jova, no, it’s just me longing for you, my sweetheart. 365

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�is morning we had a rehearsal at school in front of all the teachers and the school supervisor. He stands out from everyone else, but I’m afraid there is some li�le trace of a teacher still in him. I have developed an interest in him, probably because he’s my supervisor, and I can’t stand any kind of authority over me. Am I trying to �gure out whether he’s worthy of my a�ention? If he is, I will count him as somebody special. If not, I’ll forget all about him. Kindred souls always understand one another. It’s enough that he has worked on a book to a�ract my a�ention. But what if he turns out to be a hick and interprets my a�ention the wrong way? We went together to reserve the hall for the celebration. I like the fact that he didn’t regard that as anything else but friendship. I would gladly return his friendship, because I feel the need for an honest and kindred soul. I have to get up early tomorrow morning and go to school to see what has been done for the celebration. I am overwhelmed with the happiness of the Serbian people. On this day last year they celebrated Kaiser’s Day and many were happy while we were desperate. Now it’s our turn to celebrate. St. Sava’s Day

I know but don’t want to know what’s happening inside me. I put my arms around our favorite child. She is dreaming about her daddy, that’s why she’s smiling. But Jova won’t come to my dream. I know his great and sublime soul. He doesn’t want to limit my freedom. And I need him to hold me, because I’m on the edge of an abyss. My temper and my wild blood need an outlet. Chain me to yourself, my sweetheart. Around nine o’clock yesterday a whole delegation of our youth came to our house. I learned about it later, because I le� the rehearsal for the St. Sava concert and went down the hall to see what the undisciplined children were doing and to calm them down. I then saw our young women and men who had gathered to form the administration of our new library. �ey told me they had been looking for me at home to join them. I accepted their invitation because I was moved by their kindness. I entered the classroom, which was already �lled with young men and girls of various vocations and ages. �e only man I saw was the bookseller. �e treasurer was registering their names. �en the interim chairman of the board, a Serbian Muslim from Bosnia, opened the meeting and reported on the work of the previous board. �e secretary then read the minutes of the last meeting, informing those present that today’s agenda involved the appointment of a new administration. �ey proposed Prof. Drag. Djordjević as head of the administration and myself as 366

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honorary president. �e audience was asked to approve this either by applauding or voting. �e audience approved it. I asked to speak, and said that we �rst needed the approval of Mr. Djordjević, who would need to join the society in order to be elected president, and that they needed to call him to come in person. �ey told me they had already done this, and that he said this was a side ma�er for him. However, I found out last night that Djordjević refused to be a member of any society whose members are in Bulgarian singing societies, because he can’t work on a Serbian book with those who sang Bulgarian songs and destroyed Serbian books. I moved on to my election and said honorary members should be people who did something special for the society, whereas this was my �rst time among them. �erefore, I had to refuse with gratitude. �en they suggested I should be vice-president. I laughed and said that I would be vice-president if Mr. Djordjević would be president, and le�. �is was an easy way out, because as far as I know he won’t accept the president’s position. I don’t know what our youngsters decided a�erwards, but last night I nevertheless thought about what should be done to improve the relations between the two sides. Prof. Djordjević is right; I agree with him. Nobody can be�er understand the pain I felt because of the things that were done while we were under Bulgarian rule. But if we now take a broom and get rid of all those who erred, we’ll have to get rid of a lot of people, and then who will we have to work with? It’s be�er to tell them to their face what they did wrong and how they spoiled the reputation of the Serbian people, because they still don’t seem to be aware of it and think nobody saw what they did. �en we should forgive them and keep them on, because we’ll gain more by having them understand and regret what they did. Perhaps they don’t regret anything and would do it again under the same circumstances, but we have to believe there won’t be any more such circumstances, and that people like them will be re-educated. Bulgarians also claimed ownership over everybody, those who wanted it and those who didn’t, in order to gain the support of as many people as possible. We could learn something from them. �is area is a conglomerate of people of all nationalities, but it would be good if one day they all developed a true love of this country they live in, so that they can defend it together with us. I will try to talk to Mr. Djordjević at the celebration this evening and explain my position to him, and I will also talk to Mr. Milan Popović, because he seems like somebody who can be in�uenced. All three of us are from different areas, so we’ll be able to make an unbiased decision together. I think the secret intrigues have to stop and that everybody needs to be spoken to directly. �is will put a stop to everything that has happened. I know it’s easier to 367

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talk behind people’s backs than to tell them something directly. People don’t want to make enemies, but this could go on forever, and then everyone would hold a grudge against everyone else. People �nd out everything in an environment like this. �at’s why I think it’s be�er to tell those who didn’t behave as they should have what we think about them and then reconcile with them and start working together; there is enough work for everybody. I am tired. Everybody in the house is asleep. My thoughts went back to you, Jova. You are smiling with that pigeon smile and eyes of yours and I can see you don’t like the fact that I am working too much. You think I will lose myself, something you always used to say to me. But sweetheart, that’s exactly what keeps me going. �at way I at least feel that I’m alive and that I still have the energy to do something. When I get too tired, I read my books. I am waiting for the trains to start running, to gather all my children together. �ey won’t be the children of a widow and I won’t have to knock on people’s doors asking for special treatment for them. I want to make people out of them. �ey will have to �ght for themselves early on in life. I will only encourage and guide them. I don’t know what to do. Everybody is asking me to come to Belgrade, I don’t know why. As if one can’t work outside of Belgrade as well. �e day is breaking. I have to clean the house and then rush to school. �e celebration is over. �is morning there was no discipline among the students when we walked over to the church, and the children behaved badly in church. A�er lunch, I went to the cemetery, and on the way stopped by the schoolyard. �e children were there with a group of Bosnian detainees. My heart was breaking when I looked at them, our brothers whom the enemy used in the �ght against us. Now they are Serbian prisoners. How would Jova feel if he saw this? I stopped to talk to them. One of them was from Sarajevo and looked a li�le bit like Jova’s nephew Duško. I gave him 10 dinars for all of them to share, and I gave one of them, who had no clothes, Jova’s coat and a pair of underwear. January 29, 1919

I haven’t been writing in my diary for 15 days. Small and large events have occurred in the meantime. We don’t have any �rewood or money and it’s wintertime. �e school has started working. I have 60 students. It’s very difficult, because we don’t have enough money or teaching supplies. �e young people of Vranje elected me to be president, Mr. Velja Arsić to be the vice-president, and Mr. Č. Jančić to be the secretary of the Progress Youth Society, but we all resigned the following week due to a split. �ere is another split in the Circle of Serbian Sisters, 368

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which I predicted. I then started working in the Yugoslav Society. Today I went to the hospital to see about things for the Center for Abandoned Children. We haven’t go�en any mail in 20 days. I decided to go to Belgrade and sort out my affairs, because my income still hasn’t been allo�ed. February 2, 1919

Last night, on my way home from school, I saw the kids from the Progress Youth Society and we arranged to call another meeting and form the society again. I’ll do everything I can for the differences to be resolved and the work to begin. February 3, 1919

Today I got various le�ers, including one from Jova’s brother Luka and his sister Ljubica from Bosnia, but I haven’t heard anything from my sister Bela and the children. I got hold of the Belgrade newspaper today; that’s the �rst one. �is period without any news is hard, because I want to know what’s going on in the world and in Serbia. At least then I would know what to expect and when there will be some order. Not enough young people showed up for the meeting of the Progress Youth Society so there was no meeting. We’ll try again tomorrow. A�er lunch I went to the cemetery and arranged the plants at the grave. February 5, 1919

�is evening a�er class we had a meeting of the Progress Youth Society. We formed it anew and elected the old administration with me as president. I will stay with them until they start working and will then retire. Major Blagojević spoke at the meeting this evening. �ere is something I like underneath that uniform. �e society has matured and I think they are ready to develop. His speech was very interesting. He talked about the things that young people did in Russia. I didn’t expect a soldier to give such a speech. During this break in Natalija’s diary, an old friend of Jova’s and hers, George Matić, moved to Vranje, apparently at Natalija’s suggestion, to assume the position of chief of police. �ey had visited one another over the years, and Natalija herself had even corresponded with him. Unfortunately we know very li�le about George’s background. From previous entries we have learned that he was the District Head of Police, �rst in Nova Varoš, near the border of Bosnia-Her369

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George Mati� in 1916.

cegovina, and then, in 1913, in Prizren, Kosovo. Later entries indicate that he had previously been married and might have had a child. �ere seems to be some mystery and perhaps even tragedy associated with his marriage, but that is just speculation. We also have a short excerpt from George’s diary, based on his experiences as a soldier in Russia during the First World War. In it, George explains that he le� Serbia for Odessa in March 1916, along with several other Serbs, intending to join other South Slavs commi�ed to the liberation of their “joint homeland.” He fully expected, he said, to “join the ranks of our gathered Yugoslav brothers and lead our homeland to freedom with a ri�e in our hands.” In fact, however, he says almost nothing about the fate of that venture, which was presumably cut short by the Russian Revolution of 1917. Yet, while Natalija later refers to his socialist sympathies, he says nothing of them or indeed of the revolution itself. Rather, he con�nes his brief comments to the complex nature of relations between Slavs, Germans, and Jews in Odessa, regre�ing mainly the Germans’ �nancial and political in�uence over the Russians, and the hostility between the Odessan Jews and the Russians, which, he said, led the Jews to favor the Germans during the war. In any case, George’s arrival in Vranje a�er the war would have deep and lasting consequences for Natalija and her family. He offered his help and quickly renewed his acquaintance with the widow of his old colleague Jova, which soon developed into a close friendship. She greatly 370

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valued his a�ention to her children and, perhaps even more so, his respect for her intellect. In a short time she developed strong feelings for him, which he clearly reciprocated, though not without some trepidation.

November 23, 1919

My sweet Jova, I don’t know what’s happening inside me. Is this a sign of more suffering, or am I indeed seeing a light again? �is morning I went to visit you at the cemetery early, my good companion, not to cry but to give you an indication of the possibility that I might be happy again. For the �rst time since we parted I recognized a good soul in a man we both knew well, our old friend George Matić who was once the county head of Prizren. I was sorry you weren’t there among some of our friends, including him. He is the �rst man I’ve ever heard courageously defending the rights of a woman and even more courageously elevating her above others by a�acking all the famous conservatives and telling them to shut up. I felt like I had wings, and I think if he decided that we are worthy of his protection, which he immediately a�er his arrival promised me and the children, it would be much easier for me to �ght. A man of such generosity gives me energy to �ght in these difficult days. November 24, 1919

He believes it is his duty to visit the children and me every day a�er work. �ose are very pleasant times for us. �e children enjoy cha�ing to him about school and their homework, and I enjoy watching them. Dear Jova, he is still that same old George, who constantly preaches and moralizes. But that old George is now joined with the new George, who was built in Russia during the time he spent there. And if he wasn’t mesmerizing us with tales from Russia, that happy and hard-working country, if he wasn’t promoting the emancipation of the human mind and spirit in such a wonderful way, his moralizing would be boring. But this way it’s wonderful. I like him, because I know that since he is a witness of our happiness, the children and I won’t bore him with our stories. November 25, 1919

�e children are asleep. I am listening to them breathing while I go through my diaries. I am sorting them out, because I want to leave them to my children as their only inheritance. �ey won’t make beautiful reading, because I’m not a writer, but they contain the truth about real happiness and about the sad days of occupation and 371

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the things that were happening in our country. I am tired from work and sorrow, and my eyes search the winter night outside the window. �e shine and the brightness of the moon make my eyes wander across the wall to a lit-up window. �at’s him working. I know that he’s sorting out some information from Russia. When I saw that he was working, I was ready to go over to his place so that we could chat about present-day politics. In addition to the house and the children, I have always enjoyed discussing politics, and o�en have substituted that for women’s talk and silliness. I got up, but then my eyes fell on the high wall and the garden behind it, and then on the street further down, and I thought to myself—what are people going to say? So, I didn’t go, but I will talk to him about it when he comes to see us. November 27, 1919

You should rejoice and laugh now, my good Jova. Laugh with your pigeonblue eyes at your old Natalija, who has fallen into a trap. A�er lunch today I went over to George’s place with Milica to get some of those beautiful chrysanthemums from his garden for your grave. His manservant told me he was in his room writing something. I walked into his room just as I would walk into a friend’s room, but came to my senses as soon as I saw the startled look on his face. Instead of keeping us in the room, he immediately led us out of the room to give us �owers. I pretended I didn’t see his reaction, and, while we were discussing what each of us did that day, I said, “When I saw you were still working last night, I thought about coming over to chat with you and rest from my daily worries.” “You must be crazy,” he u�ered, and I was shocked when I raised my head and saw the horri�ed look on his face. If I weren’t so proud, I would have burst into tears. I grabbed my baby and started to leave but he barred my way. “Hold on,” he said, “you have to understand me. �is is a provincial town. I know myself and I know you, but the people around us don’t and I don’t want your and Jova’s good name to be ruined because of me, who loved him like a brother.” I replied, “All the theories you shower us with about me as a comrade disgust me when you act this way. I never cared about other people’s gossip,” and le�. He came the same evening and tried to convince me that he is in favor of progressive ideas, but that the society around us is still conservative. I listened to him, listened and got angry, grumbled and countered his ideas with my own, until I �nally forced him to leave. He le�, and I’m already thinking about him more than I should if he were just a friend, my good Jova. You, who kept me on the right path all these years, please protect me and don’t allow that wild blood of my forefathers to take hold of me now. 372

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Chapter 11. Beginnings

November 28, 1919

Today more than ever he tried to impose on me his theories about strong will as a dogma. Nonetheless, that evil demon is still lurking inside me against my will, waiting like a hyena to ravage everything that’s good inside me. My imagination makes me believe that his eyes contain a sparkle in addition to his good soul, which makes me anxious. Jova, why don’t you take a look as well, and tell me whether it’s just my imagination. If there ever was anything else, please don’t let me �nd out. I love him. I love him as one loves one’s best and most loyal friend or as something I never had—a brother. �at’s such a beautiful feeling, but is that all I feel? December 1, 1919

Sweet Jova, why do I always avoid having George do anything for us? It’s true that all those who knew you helped me and the children. Everybody, from a common laborer to a gentleman, keeps an open door for us here in this small town. I like that love and respect for you, but I wanted to stop receiving favors from others so that we could stand on our two feet again. I paid back all the loans I took. People laughed when I paid them back in dinars for what I took from them in Levs, but I know you would have wanted us to pay everything back and your wishes are sacred to us. We now have no burdens le� and no debts. We are like a bird in a tree. But even the crust of bread tastes sweet when we know we don’t owe anything to anybody. I hope the children will remember this for the future, so that they can be worthy of their father. He is always here. I know he will come and see the children on the way back from his office. He understands we need a�ention besides favors, someone to share our worries and troubles with. When I return from school or other work outside of school, I always �nd him si�ing with the children at the house. Our house is always full of valuable conversation. I am imagining that I can see something in his eyes. Is it pity or something else? December 5, 1919

All night my mind and feelings have been waging a war. I would like to destroy this madness inside me, so I tossed and turned in bed, searching for relief from what is happening in my head and my heart. I fell asleep before dawn. I got up early and got down to work, work that feeds my children. I was looking at my students’ papers only to realize a�er a while that I hadn’t done anything. I went into the garden, which was still in darkness, and sat on our bench under the quince tree, trembling in the cold of the new morning. Who knows how long I would 373

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have remained si�ing there if our neighbors’ loyal servant and protector hadn’t surprised me with his yelping and cuddling against my feet. I liked the presence of this loyal animal, which brought me back to reality, so I went back in. I looked across the wall, where I knew a human being was peacefully sleeping, enjoying his rest. I slammed the door and promised myself this would be my last challenge, and that I would start a new life protected by the strong will he wants to impose on me. But how long, my sweet Jova, will I be able to resist, when it was always you who had that magic power to guide and support me? Now I am so alone. December 6, 1919

Please forgive me, my sweet Jova, but I no longer belong to you alone. George took my peace, my calm, and my entire soul, he who also brings me all the joy in these sad days. Rising to his moral heights, where lying is impossible, he said, “�e consequences are terrible. Why are you torturing me with them?” He allowed me to touch him lightly this evening when I gave him my diaries to read, and, in those pleasant chills, I felt the pulse of life. He was reading and I pretended to be listening, but passion was stronger and pressured me so much I felt helpless to resist. �e consistent power and intensity of these feelings surprises and confuses me. �is new feeling is a kind of magic enslavement of the senses by tyrannical and de�ant desire, which �lls them with a strange drunkenness. It’s already eleven o’clock. I stopped daydreaming and glanced at his windows. I can see he is still working. If I only knew that he remembered me at least for one brief moment and thought about that sweet torture of which he is the source. I desire him so much that he noticed it. But he knows it’s impossible for my crazy desires to be ful�lled. So why does he then keep pushing me toward himself ? Is he so good that he thinks I would accept even a moment of happiness given out of pity? �at I would give up this torture for the happiness his pity would give me? Why didn’t nature leave me my youth to go together with this passion? Why did fate allow me to get to know him �rst and then wish to lose him right a�er? I hope he will forgive me and remain the keeper of my wavering will. I hope I will �nd a cure for what is threatening to destroy me, while still keeping him near, so that I can admire him and enjoy listening to him, thanking the one who sent him to me. It’s fatal but true that when I �rst heard months ago there was a vacancy for the position he now holds, I shouted, “Oh, if only George Matić wanted to come here!” I said that because I wanted someone who would actually �ght for widows’ bene�ts.AtthattimeIdidn’tevendreamofwhatwasgoingtohappen.Butsomebody heard me and asked him to come. And where has all that brought me now? 374

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I love him, and he told me he has been in love with his dead love for 20 years. My affection is unpleasant for him, so he told me. So then why doesn’t he withdraw and leave me to my fate? And the aureole of his dead love, which protects him from everything that bothers me, will guide me and show me where to stop. But this is the truth, and I can’t live a lie, be it on the inside or the outside. It’s midnight; he has turned off the light. He is sleeping peacefully, and I feel like jumping across that high wall to be next to him and steal something from the remains of this day. But he said, “�is is crazy,” severing everything with which he had conquered my heart. I am lying in bed thinking about him much more than either he or I want. December 8, 1919

Not even the dove in the mountains had sweeter dreams than I did, because I slept last night as innocently as the baby sleeping next to me. I woke up before dawn and remembered everything. He talked to me about his past last night. Now I know as much about him as he does about me, and am satis�ed because I have found some kind of new happiness. We are both aware of our feelings. I now know that in addition to Jova and the children, I love a third person, and that that love doesn’t make the �rst two smaller. �at third, last love, helps me �nd myself again and the beauty of life. So why should I reject it? My sweet Jova, please help me now and tell me what to do. Your love was always unsel�sh and great. You always supported me and advised me; you were my lover and my companion, my support and my happiness. Now when you’re no longer alive, I still turn to you, because there is nobody else I implicitly trust. Am I entitled to another happiness? January 18, 1920

George and I announced our engagement. �e children agreed. January 24, 1920

Today is Epiphany. Examination in church.2

February 2, 1920

George and I were married at the 7:00 a.m. service.

2

In the Orthodox faith, couples traditionally a�end religious classes and take a short exam one week before their wedding. Originally, this practice was obligatory, but it is becoming less and less common.

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Introduction

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Part III.

Years of Disappointment 1924-1956

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Chapter 12.

A New Country, A New Life 1924 -1927

Background

H

ere begins the third part of Natalija’s diary, which differs in important respects from the previous two. Natalija writes much less o�en than she did when she was younger, sometimes neglecting to record entries for several years at a time. As she moves into old age and reaches the end of her life, her entries are not only more sporadic, they become shorter and sparser, though they are just as infused with emotional intensity as before. Moreover, Natalija writes with increasing bi�erness and sometimes even with despair about her life and the world around her. She �nds it difficult to bear the loneliness and occasional heartbreak she feels as her children grow up, leave home, and no longer appear to need her. Greatly disappointed by the Yugoslav state that was formed a�er the First World War, she grows increasingly disillusioned by the political life within it. Two of her greatest joys, Jova and her beloved Serbia, disappeared at the end of the First World War, losses from which Natalija seems never fully to recover. By the time Natalija resumed writing in her journal again in 1924, a great deal had happened in her life and in the life of her new country. Just months a�er Natalija and George’s wedding, he was transferred to Čačak—a city in central Serbia. Shortly therea�er, however, he received a position in the capital city of Belgrade. �us by the end of 1920 Natalija had moved her entire family to the capital, where her children began a�ending school and university, and where she was in a position to observe the momentous events of the time �rsthand. Natalija avidly followed the proceedings of the day as governments rose and fell and political leaders struggled to create a viable, uni�ed country. �e internal political life of the Kingdom of Serbs, Croats, and Slovenes was characterized in the 1920s by 379

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an increasingly bi�er struggle between Serbs and Croats, on the one hand, who continued to disagree about the state order and the political parties, and the king on the other hand, who did li�le to promote democratic political life. �e longawaited Vidovdan Constitution, rati�ed on June 28, 1921, launched a period of political turbulence that was only brought to an end when King Alexander proclaimed a royal dictatorship in January 1929. �e intervening years witnessed a series of governments—there were ten between January 1921 and April 1926— that proved increasingly incapable of resolving the problems caused by growing tensions between Serbs and Croats in the new kingdom. �e majority of Croats and Slovenes, who had imagined the creation of a decentralized, federal South Slav state, were extremely disillusioned by the process of uni�cation, and their disaffection only deepened with the passage of the Vidovdan Constitution. �e leader of the Croats during this period, the mercurial Stjepan Radić, had opposed the formation of the South Slav state, and his political party, the Croatian Republic Peasant Party (later the Croatian Peasant Party) boyco�ed the Constituent Assembly. �erea�er, they led the opposition to the king and struggled politically against what they perceived to be Serbian dominance of the new state. Although Radić entered the government brie�y in 1925 with Serbian leader Nikola Pašić, he soon resigned in protest and resumed his struggle in Parliament against the Serbs and their allies. Acrimony between Radić and the Serbian and Montenegrin leaders reached the breaking point in 1928. During a particularly turbulent session of Parliament in June, a Radical Party delegate took out his pistol and shot Radić and several others. A�er the chaos that followed Radić’s death in July, the king took ma�ers into his own hands. In January 1929, he proclaimed a royal dictatorship, dissolved the Parliament, and banned political parties. Democratic life, in what was now called the Kingdom of Yugoslavia, ceased for the next several years. �rough all this political turbulence, Natalija struggled to raise her children and contribute to the development of her country. A�er working as a teacher for several years, she retired in the summer of 1923. As she tells us in the following pages, her marriage to George was an enormous source of consolation to her, which provided her with a measure of security she would not otherwise have had. George dedicated himself to supporting her children �nancially and emotionally, especially in a�empting to �nd a cure for Mirko’s polio. Nevertheless, her hopes that she, George, and the children might now enjoy a period of prosperity proved unfounded as the children, and especially Mirko’s illness, continued to drain the family �nances. 380

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George, in Belgrade.

Second day of Easter [April 22] 1924, Belgrade, Yugoslavia1

It’s been a while since I’ve picked up this notebook to write about my life. I took it in my hands a couple of times and put it down again, without writing a word. So much has happened in the four years since I’ve stopped keeping my diary. A�er all the tragedies and shocks starting in 1916, the illness of my sweet Mirko, the occupation of our country, and the death of our sweet Jova, a new life has come, �lled with love and happiness, which lessened, alleviated, and even took away some of my pain and suffering. My sweet and good George came into my life. George, with his great love for me and devotion to my children, did everything to make the autumn of my life as nice as possible. A�er all my suffering and troubles, how beautiful and harmonious our life has become. It’s rare luck to �nd another human being capable of understanding the depth of your soul and searching through it gently and lovingly to �nd and heal every raw and wounded spot. We married out of our love for each other, but also because we knew we were born for each other, given the convictions we share and the heights our souls were capable of reaching in the a�ermath of war. When we got married, the people around us were surprised, shocked, and never quite capable of understanding the reasons for 1

By this time Natalija had apparently switched over to the new Gregorian calendar. Easter week in 1924 according to that calendar began on April 21 and culminated on Easter Sunday, April 27.

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our relationship. Nobody understands it today either, when people are willing to sell everything that’s good in them for money, comfort, and pleasure. Our friends and relatives, even those closest to us, and especially the world around us—nobody understood us, because they weren’t able to understand the things that we both believe form the true meaning of life. Despite all that, we got married, because we believed we were strong enough to rise above all the destructive forces in human existence and in people’s a�itudes. I still enjoy the support of my exemplary George with his immense goodness, his ideals, love, and great honesty. But that’s exactly what brought us together—his care and loyalty for his friend’s children, his convictions, friendly conversations, and understanding. He �rst interested me with his stories of the Russian Revolution: its ideas, people, and events. For me, those were new ideas and a�itudes, about which I knew very li�le. From 1916 to 1918, George was in Russia. He got there through Italy, Spain, France, England, and Sweden as a member of the organized Yugoslav Army, but was hugely disappointed. Bad people always rise to the top in every regime, because they are pushy and resourceful. Regardless of how noble and right the ideas are, people will always be people. An idealist, he grew sick of everything— the dishonesty and meanness, the struggle for positions and money. �enhemarriedmewithsixchildren,andhewaspunishedbybeingtransferred to Čačak right a�er our marriage. I had to stay in Vranje with the children to wait for the school year to �nish and to stay close to their father’s grave for a while. At the time, I was working full-time at the elementary school and part-time at the high school. Later I got transferred to the high school full-time, where I taught Serbian language and geography to the �rst, second, and third year students. Several prominent politicians congratulated me on our wedding, happy that Jova’s children wouldn’t remain orphans. Despite that, George got transferred to a different place only two months a�er our wedding. We found out later that the Radical Party transferred George, not because he persecuted Radicals, but because his honest work made him so popular that he impeded the activities of the Radicals before the elections. �ey needed an active man to go a�er the opposition. George used to tell me I would be bi�erly disappointed, just as he was in Russia, because I want a revolution and a republic. �ere is a lot to say about this period from April 1920 until our arrival in Belgrade. When I was in Belgrade, an official there assured me that nobody would move George from Vranje and that I could return without any worries. When I returned to Vranje, George li�ed me from the train and took me in his arms, and I told him, “Don’t worry, we’re staying here.” 382

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He smiled painfully and said, “My darling, how li�le you know about human wickedness. I received a wire last night sending me to Čačak.” I was shocked and cursed that damned official. Who slapped him around his ears when he was li�le for him to lie to me like that now? Our le�ers from that period, mine from Vranje and George’s from Čačak, reveal all the dirty dealings of the new Yugoslav era. �ey clearly show that at the time an employee had �rst to answer to his party and then to his country, if he wanted to get ahead. It was always like that and probably always will be until the end of the world. George and I didn’t �t into any of that. We had our own ideals and loved our country and the Serbian people. Because of this we had to suffer a lot, but we understood each other and knew we couldn’t be any different. In his le�ers from Čačak, when the Radicals took him away from me, he described the May Day celebration organized by the proletarians. He gave them permission to celebrate without any limitations and two days beforehand ordered all policemen to stay off the streets to avoid any incidents. “Comrades” walked through the entire town in a peaceful and digni�ed manner, cheering the laboring class and shouting, “Let’s bring down the bourgeoisie,” but not a single time did they shout, “Down with the police and the government,” which even George regre�ed because he was angry that we had been separated by the orders of that government. While he was the head of the municipality in Čačak, May 1 was celebrated freely, while in Vranje and other places soldiers with bayonets watched the streets. �is was back in 1920, a�er the war. George was never a communist or a socialist. He was always a true democrat and a supporter of real freedom. But that impeded his advancement at work. When George was the head of the Belgrade county, he even voted for a Communist for the position of mayor because he was the most honest and the best of all the candidates. At the time this was a bit of a scandal. He stayed in Čačak until the end of August 1920, when he was appointed head of the Belgrade county. A�er that we all moved to Belgrade together.2 2

In the years following the First World War, the Communist Party of Yugoslavia had considerable popular support in some areas of the newly created Kingdom of Serbs, Croats and Slovenes. �at support overall was based not so much on knowledge of or interest in Marxist-Leninist ideology as in the party’s hard-line opposition to the monarchy and existing regime. It is true, however, that within Serbia the socialist movement had a long history. �e original founder of the Radical Party, Svetozar Marković, was in fact an early socialist, and, while the Radical Party clearly diverged from those ideals, they were carried on by the Serbian Socialist and the Social Democratic Parties. In the early years a�er the war, nearly all countries in Central and Eastern Europe experienced a surge in revolutionary activity inspired by events in the Soviet Union and general dissatisfaction with postwar developments. In April 1919, the various Communist and social democratic organizations from throughout the newly formed state met and merged to create the Socialist Worker’s Party of Yugoslavia (Communist),

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In Belgrade, the center of this wickedness, we suffered for two years in a small apartment, struggling with disease and worrying about the children. Now life has now become so difficult. My dear George, I think you overestimated your power when you believed that you and I could �ght together for the survival of these six children. May God let me live long enough to see that you, too, have realized that we have both erred when we believed that love, sacri�ce, and a high sense of duty are enough for us to survive in this dishonest environment. I was sha�ered by the realization that these virtues are not enough in the face of corruption and dishonesty. I regret more every day that I met you and welcomed you in my arms, tying you to my cross, which would �t me alone much be�er. I would be able to cry alone from all the pain and helplessness. As it is, my George, I have to smile all the time, because that is what people expect since they know how good you are. What they don’t know is how li�le money we have. You have done everything you could to be a father to our children, but events are out of our control. I know I have burdened you with a lot, because I, myself, struggle under the same burden. For 15 years I had a happy life with my Jova, and I thought the occupation and the hardships that came with it were now over. I was hoping we would have a normal life and that your honest work would be rewarded so that we would be able to live well, if modestly. I never wanted luxury, but I thought that, having given this society six children, we could live a life worthy of a human being, not a martyr. I now see that despite doing all the physical work at the house myself, I am still unable to protect us from poverty. �at’s killing me, not because of me, but because of you and the children. I hate the fact that I have burdened you with a weight that is too heavy for you, and I don’t want the children to see that it’s too much for me, because if they did, they would bend over backwards to help me. We managed to make them believe that a be�er life was coming, but it isn’t. I am trying to prevent them from realizing the real truth with regular shots of blood and energy. But how long will I be able to keep going? As soon as we arrived in Belgrade, George did everything he could to �nd a doctor to cure our Mirko. �e doctor tried to straighten his legs at the military hospital. I will never forget his care for our child and his nightly vigils. A�er that we renamed one year later the Communist Party of Yugoslavia. At the same time, the trade union organizations also united and revived their activities, organizing a series of strikes. For example, during the spring of 1920, as many as 50 different strikes took place throughout Serbia. �e demonstrations in Čačak to which Natalija refers were just one part of this Communist revival. By the end of 1920, however, a�er the Communist Party’s surprisingly strong showing in elections for the Constitutional Assembly, the government passed a law outlawing the Communist Party and requiring all other worker’s organizations to be strictly economic and carefully supervised by the authorities.

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carried Mirko to the orthopedic institute, but we were wasting our money. In the end, George decided we should go to Vienna. �e doctor there convinced us that everything was in vain and too late. Had the damn Bulgarians not taken Vranje, perhaps we would have found a cure for our child. But despite everything, the trip to Vienna was good for Mirko. We went by ship. �e journey, the places we visited, and the scenery cheered him up, and Vienna, the zoo, and all the other city sites had a good in�uence on his body, be�er than any kind of medication. When we returned from Vienna, a doctor from Russia took over Mirko’s case. He performed surgery on him, taking out his seventh and fourteenth vertebrae, but the whole operation produced no results.3 We didn’t regret the time or the money but inquired everywhere and went everywhere, trying only to �nd the cure for his illness. I have to admit that George was more persistent in this ma�er than I was. When I wanted to give up a�er every failure, he encouraged me and kept searching for somebody who could help Mirko. �e orthopedist made a brace and bandages with crutches for Mirko and the masseuse massaged him every day for three months (we paid 15 dinars a day), all to no avail. At the time, I worked at the Ministry of Education, and a�erwards at a local elementary school. On two occasions, they granted me three months of sick leave, and a�er that another six months. As soon as I had ten years of service, I retired (on August 10, 1923). George had a nice salary, but most of it was spent on treatments for Mirko. Besides, a large family like ours needs a large income, which we didn’t have. In the fall of 1922, we moved into the apartment where we still live two years later. I feel like my hands are going to fall off. I don’t keep a manservant; I clean, whitewash, dust, and scrub the �oors in nine rooms myself. In addition, I also cook, sew, and iron. Since the prices went up two years ago, I haven’t hired a washerwoman. I do everything myself, so even if I were made out of stone, I would have collapsed. I bear it all stoically. I work with a smile on my face, because I now have a man next to me who acknowledges it all and does everything he can to help me, a man who willingly gave up a number of creature comforts, so that all the family members would have enough. Moreover, our children are good in comparison to others. 3

Removal of the vertebra, or a vertebrectomy, is not, as far as we can tell, a surgery ever indicated for use with poliomyelitis. It is normally performed when there is a tumor or some other pathology affecting the disc above or below one vertebral bone. Even in that case, it is not a treatment for the tumor but only for the pain it causes; the goal is to fuse the bones above and below the affected segment. �e surgery’s main risk is trauma to the spinal cord, possibly causing paralysis.

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Dragan did very well in high school and is now a second-year student at the School of Architecture. Two years ago, when he worked at the “Pionir” company, he contributed all of his income to the household.4 �en he worked as an architect for six months, contributing everything to the household again, except for the money he kept to buy school supplies and clothes. In addition to studying, he now earns pocket money by making slides and commercials for the cinema. He has food and board at our house and he always helps out when all the money is gone. Danko is also an excellent student and is now in his �rst year at the School of Mechanical Engineering. Last summer he also worked at the “Pionir” company. He paid rent for his own apartment and bought himself a winter coat with that money. He and Mila ate at a hotel. He now gives a lot of lessons. In the evening, he a�ends a course for steam-ke�le repairmen—he says it might be useful to him later on. I am not trying to stop him because that’s be�er than roaming the streets. Mila o�en gets the �u; she had malaria and an ear infection. She works a great deal and spends a lot of time reading. If she spent more time walking, she would be healthier. She has been a straight A student ever since elementary school. In a few days she will take the �nal high school exam. On Easter Monday she played a man’s role in a play. To our amazement, she did an excellent job. She had to come out to bow several times and everybody congratulated her. I can’t wait for her to �nish high school, so that she can stop studying. It will be easier for her at the university. Mirko, our poor child, took private lessons and passed all the exams for the �rst and the second year of elementary school, and he will now pass the exams for the third and the fourth year. He gets sick a lot. Our baby, Milica, is now in �rst grade, but ever since she started school she has been sick a lot, too, so we’ve had a hard time with her. Milica and Mirko had a difficult time recovering recently from the whooping cough. On several occasions they lost consciousness and we thought they were going to die. Mirko �nally recovered, but Milica took much longer. �e doctor examined her and gave her some medicine. Everybody says she needs to go to the countryside or into the hills, but where are we going to go and how are we going to pay for it? We spent all the money we had on Mirko’s treatments, and we have no family in the country where we could send her. If I had more money, we would be able to do more. But I can’t ask for more, because George does everything he can as if he were the children’s own father. Today I let her be on the street in the sun, and my good George, when he saw how desperate I am because of her, took her 4

�e Pionir Company was in some way connected to the cinema industry. Dragan made posters for movies and later supervised movie theaters in Belgrade. �rough his job he was o�en able to get free tickets to the movies for his family.

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hand and went with her to a park. �ey still haven’t returned, which is how I found the time to write this. Nobody came to visit today. I have forgo�en my Nenad, who is like a girl and helps me with most of the housework. Over the holidays, he scrubbed the �oors in all the rooms since the doctor told me I shouldn’t strain myself because of my ovary in�ammation. He makes me angry because he always grumbles when he has to do something, but he does it anyway. He is now in the seventh grade of grammar school. He has one student taking lessons from him so he contributes money too, which helps since there are so many of us. We need to feed them all and get them clothes. I do my best to make sure that their clothes look like new, because they are friends with the children from wealthy families, and I don’t want them to be ashamed. George has a high-ranking position so people expect him to have money, but nobody realizes how many children he has to take care of. For Easter, Nenad got Dragan’s gray suit, which I have washed and ironed so that it looks new. �at’s why he now spends all his time in front of the mirror. He is now as tall as the two older ones and they can wear each other’s suits. I won’t go anywhere today because I can’t. I haven’t bought any shoes, because I recently spent a lot of money on medicine and doctors for Milica, Mila, and myself. �e money just slips away, so I will have to wait until the next salary before I buy anything. Soon a�er Easter, George is going on a longer trip relating to inspections around the country. I will have a hard time without him, because when he comes home from the office he brings with him the news and stories about what’s going on, which cheer me up a bit and take my mind off housework. I always learn from him what’s going on at home and abroad. He knows how to evaluate events well and I can rely on him. Still, I like the fact that he will be able to go away for a bit and rest from everyday worries, though he will worry and think about us constantly while he’s there, because that’s the way he is. If only this political crisis would be resolved, so that we can see where we stand. We thought that freedom would resolve everything, but it takes time for a country weakened by war to get back to normal. One never knows what the changes of government might bring, regardless of what they are. �ere are always going to be people �shing in troubled waters in such circumstances, and nobody knows what will come to the surface in the end.5 5

In February 1924, Stjepan Radić, the leader of main opposition party, the Croat Republican Peasant Party, was working from Vienna (perhaps in order to avoid arrest) to bring down Pašić’s government. Seeking to counter Radić’s maneuvers, Pašić simply adjourned Parliament from March to October. �is would have been the crisis to which Natalija was referring.

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Jova’s brother Luka and his wife, Emilija, in Belgrade.

Third Day of Easter [April 23], 1924

I haven’t le� the house today. Yesterday we had a few visitors. We mostly talked about politics and the possible options for resolving this crisis. I like talking to smart people, because it seems I have nothing to talk about with women. I am not interested in street gossip, and I neither have nor care about nice dresses, so I don’t have much to say about fashion. I have accepted the fact that I am out of touch when it comes to talking with city show-offs, so I don’t maintain relations with them. George and Milica walked in the hills today. �is morning Mila took Milica to the park and they stayed there until noon. She is already more cheerful and looks be�er, so I’m less worried. I kept Mirko company, and today we carried him to the street where he spent the day with the children from the neighborhood. I looked at him so many times through the window and cried about his condition. I can’t do it in front of him, because he mustn’t know that I feel sorry for him. I will buy him a scooter right a�er the �rst of next month, so that he can move around on the street, even if I can’t buy myself a pair of shoes. Jova’s brother Luka came to lunch again today. He was staying at our place for six months, but since we need all the rooms because of the children, he had to leave. He got married in the meantime and divorced a�er only a month. I am sorry he fell into a trap like that, but it’s his own fault. He wouldn’t listen to us and marry an older serious 388

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woman who would take care of him and nurse him, and who wouldn’t care about his poor health.6 �epoliticalsituationisstillunclear.Everybodyiswaitingforthekingtoconsult with the leaders of other groups, primarily Radić’s supporters. �e Radicals are willing to use any means available to gain advantage over the coalition. �ey’ve set up an association—the National Group—made up of young scoundrels and homeless people, who use all sorts of tricks in the name of Serbianism to impede the work of opposition groups and to agitate among the people.7 Two weeks ago they disrupted a rally of Democrat supporters. But it serves them right since last year the Republican Party organized an impressive rally and a group of Democrat noisemakers barged in and broke it up. What goes around comes around. �is regime won’t give up power easily, and the man at the top is such an idiot, he doesn’t see where all this is leading. All the be�er for those of us who want a republic. A�er a lot of rain and �ooding, the days have become warmer. In just a few days the linden trees under the windows of our apartment were covered with leaves. Everything is fresh, and new life is beginning, but I still feel anxious and sad. St. George’s Day [May 6], 1924

I have had many nice days in my life and I have lots of memories. Today, though, dark thoughts are on my mind. It’s been a month since I started having pain in and around my womb. I went to see a doctor and she wanted to put me on a treatment that involves lying in bed. I can’t do that because there is nobody to do all the work at the house. George le� on the evening of the 3rd. I could hardly wait to say goodbye to him because I want him to have a nice time and forget about our difficult life for awhile. We kissed good-bye like any other married couple and he got on the train, but when he looked at me, although I tried to hide it, he noticed my double pain—because of his departure and because of the way we parted—so he came back and we kissed a few more times before he �nally disappeared from view in the carriage. On Sunday, I went with Mila and Danko to the Grand �eater and saw “Sappho.” Dragan got the tickets, and a�er lunch, I said I would also like to go, so he gave me his ticket. A�erwards my soul was gentler and more connected with the pain of poor Sappho who sacri�ced her love for the one she loved. How much 6 7

Luka’s wife, Emilia, was a teacher from the Banat region, north of the Danube River. �e National Bloc was a minority coalition made up of Pašić’s Radicals and members of the Independent Democratic Party led by Svetozar Pribičević.

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I would like to run away from everything as well! I can’t stand George’s love as it is. It’s powerful and contains the greatest sacri�ces for me and my children, but that’s not what I want. I don’t need the pity, goodness, affection, and money, which he so sel�essly offers me. I would like to revive the life from three years ago, in 1920, but that’s impossible. It’s impossible because I am now more o�en a mother than a wife, and one look at Mirko makes me want to grab him and disappear from this world with him forever. I used to believe his illness was going to go away and that we would be able to cure him, but now that we have done everything we could without any results, I have to accept the fact that my unfortunate child will remain like this and that there isn’t anything else I can do to change it. I don’t know how I could believe that all our problems would be resolved when freedom came. We waited for freedom, health, joy, and happiness and believed that all those things would come together. I believed in God’s mercy, that somebody would be able to help us, that a miracle would happen, all in vain. �e children got up at four o’clock this morning. Danko was supposed to go to a park with his Russian friend. Last night I prepared some food for him and Nenad to take. Mila prepared food for herself to take to another park, where she was going with her girlfriends. But this morning Danko made me angry and offended me, so I ordered the bag with the food to be brought to me and didn’t let them take anything with them. Last night there was a heavy shower; this morning it’s nice again, but still wet and cold. I yelled at him from the bed to take his overcoat with him, but he protested and in the end told everybody, although he meant me, “Stop blabbering.” �is made me blow up, so I scolded him and made him stay home. Our gold�nch is singing beautifully on the veranda. It quickly forgot its friend, which escaped from our cage on Easter Day. I try to think of anything else except George, but my thoughts keep going back to him. I am imagining how he arrived in Sarajevo and found himself in the company of all those members of Serbian high society. I know that he immediately kissed Stanka’s hand (Stanka is the wife of his brother, a general), but he no longer kisses my hand. A�er lunch he will go have a beer and a�er that for a walk. I’m sure he will feel unhappy about having willingly distanced himself from that “high society” and joined the ranks of the common people because of me. I also see that now, but it’s already too late. Enough has remained from all that enormous passion and love that he still writes me long love le�ers. I believe the le�ers are a veil, intended to hide his thoughts and feelings, including his life apart from me. Has life always been so comically tragic? My sweet George, how much I still love him and how passionate I am still about him, but I don’t want to tell him that. 390

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May 9, 1924

Yesterday I got a nice le�er from George. I would like to write him back as soon as I rest up a li�le. �e government still hasn’t been set up. May 13, 1924

�e king hasn’t resolved the crisis yet. I am exhausted. �e lime and the squeezing of the laundry hurt my hands; I was doing laundry yesterday and today, and I have to do more tomorrow. Yesterday I got a le�er from George and he called me on the phone. I only sent him a card today. Last night I went to a meeting of parents and teachers. A professor talked about sexual education. �ere was an open discussion and too many speakers. I said it was primarily the duty of the mother to inform the children about everything. I can’t wait for George to come back, although I don’t want him to come before I have �nished all the work at the house. He wrote to me that I should �nd a woman to help me rather than do it all alone. He has no idea how much satisfaction I �nd in this work. In addition, I made new spring dishes for the children, and I always make some kind of cake as well. May 18, 1924

Today I rested a�er lunch so I don’t feel sleepy now. I worked all day, sorting things in the dining room, and I washed and cleaned our bedroom to be whitewashed tomorrow. A�er I do that I’ll be �nished. My sweet George, where are you now? I got all his beautiful and affectionate le�ers with wonderful descriptions. He writes about the hard life of the local population. I was busy all the time, so I couldn’t write to him more. I want to have everything done and neat when he comes. Luka came a�er lunch today and took Mila and Milica to church. �ey asked me to come but I didn’t want to because of Mirko. When they all le� he put his head on his hands with a sad look on his face and immersed himself in thought. I looked at him, ran out of the room, and had a good cry. As soon as I’m done with all the work, I will go see about a scooter for him, so that he can at least drive out to the sidewalk. George writes that this political crisis will go on at least until a�er he comes back, and everything points to that. Uncle Ljuba [Davidović] got a mandate yesterday, but only dear God knows what will come of that.8

8

Ljubomir Davidović was leader of the centralist Democratic Party.

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Natalija, George, and the children: Nenad, Mila, Dragan, and Danko standing; Milica and Mirko seated.

August 24, 1924

We were all in Arandjelovac with my sisters from July 4 until August 6, except for Dragan and Danko. We spent the month roaming the surrounding �elds and went to the park only a few times. We didn’t need other people, only nature and fresh air. Danko is in Maribor at the mechanical engineering practicum and is supposed to come back this week. While we were still in Arandjelovac, Pašić fell and the block headed by Ljuba Davidović took over power. We were almost certain George would become the county head. He was a candidate for the position, but he didn’t get it. He didn’t want to go see any of the deputies, nor to pay the people at the club or beg anybody for anything. He was right to expect to get it, but he didn’t. We are going to see what he will do when he asks to leave the police, or he will retire. In a few years our children will be earning their own money, so things will be easier.9 9

As Natalija’s comments about George’s job make clear, civil administrative positions in the new Yugoslavia were still o�en based on one’s political credentials and relationship to the ruling party. George, it seems, was affiliated with the Democratic Party.

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Natalija, George, and Milica.

September 17, 1924

I haven’t been writing for a long time. I am tired from all the work I have to do at the house and fall asleep quickly in the evenings. It would take me a long time to explain everything that’s happened in the meantime, so I will only list the events in chronological order as I remember them. Mila passed the high school final exam with straight A’s, the same grades she got at the end of eighth grade. Danko spent two months in Maribor taking part in the mechanical engineering practicum. He returned on September 1. After that we sent Nenad to Arandjelovac, and he brought back Mila and Milica, who had gone there after school ended. So we were all at home when September rolled in. Dragan is getting ready for a mathematics exam, and Danko is studying physics all day. They only need to work hard for a little longer; after that everything will be easier. Dragan works and helps us support ourselves. My heart breaks when I see that we can’t do it without their help, but they are excellent students in spite of working part-time. George would do anything for them. They know it, so they work hard to help him. The Democrats still haven’t given George what he asked for. I will see if they’re going to satisfy him. If not, let him spit on them. 393

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Natalija’s house on Štipska Street, Belgrade, 1928.

I think Mila is in love. I can’t �gure out who it is, but I think it may have happened in Arandjelovac. I don’t care, I am only worried that it not turn into anything serious. It’s be�er for her to �nish school �rst. Once she has her own income she will be able to choose whom she wants. If it’s Žika, and if he is �irting with her to get back at his former �ancée, that would be bad. But Mila is still a child. Let her love. Life is sweetest when you are in love. Only she shouldn’t think about marriage yet. When that happens, may she look for someone with whom she won’t have to work as hard as I do. May she be alive and well; marriage can wait.10 Natalija ceased writing in her diary here for a period of nearly three years. During that time her children continued to study and work toward their futures, contributing money to household expenses whenever possible. Ultimately, all of them would end up as architects or engineers. Dragan became a professor of architecture; Mila, an architect; Danko, a mechanical engineer; Mirko an architect; and Milica, an architect. Nenad, out of love and respect for his stepfather George, originally enrolled in law school. His shockingly poor performance, how10

Natalija was right to suppose that Mila’s love life was still very innocent. Her grandchildren recalled a family story that when Mila was about 20 years old (just around this time, in other words) she came home from a dance, crying and in a panic that she might become pregnant because a young man had kissed her.

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Family picture in front of Natalija’s house, 1928.

ever—he failed every course during his �rst semester—soon led him to question that choice. While Natalija found Nenad’s poor grades humiliating and infuriating, George had a more moderate response and simply asked him what the problem was. Nenad �nally confessed that he had no interest in the subject and really wanted to study mechanical engineering. With George’s permission, he switched over and completed that degree with excellent grades in only two years. He later became a shipbuilding engineer and professor at Belgrade University. During these years, Natalija and her family also moved to a new home, where Natalija would remain for the rest of her life. Located in the hilly neighborhood of Senjak in West Central Belgrade, Štipska Street was just below what would become the prestigious district of Dedinje.

April 26, 1927

�ird Day of Easter. Is April really such a fatal month for all those who are ruled more by their hearts and souls than their reason? I think so. Around noon I was si�ing by the window watching the house that is being worked on across the road from us. I am watching the frescoes on its façade and the passers-by stopping to look at them because they are a new thing in Belgrade. I see Mila and Milica returning from the park and entering the house and I can already hear their voices. I am wondering if I am a happy woman, despite the fact that for six years people 395

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Postcard to Danko in France, October 2, 1929.

have been gossiping about me, wondering who I am and what I have that made a man marry me with my six children and give me all his love. May that official gossip rest for a while because now everybody is saying, “She has wonderful children, golden children. George is lucky to have such good children.” But I don’t care what people are saying. I was always able to rise above that. I only hope we have been kind to him in return. We are soon going to be old. We don’t have much time le�, and I wouldn’t want him ever to regret having given us all these years. June 22, 1927

It has been three weeks since Mila and I came to the Vranje spa and almost six weeks since George went to Macedonia on a business trip. We came because of Mila’s liver. �e doctor decided she was too exhausted and anemic, and that I was sick too although I can’t see it. We have both lost weight and I don’t know if the spa will help us later, but it hasn’t so far. I even think that Mila looks worse, because she is very pale. In two days we are going home and I can’t wait. I was hoping that George would get his work done and come here too like he said he might, but he called yesterday to tell us he can’t come. I am sorry because we were waiting for him and I wanted us to spend at least one day together. �e Democrats tricked him once again. �e order for the county head was issued but he again remained without a position.

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Introduction

Chapter 13.

Europe in Decline 1932-1939

Background

D

uring the �ve years from 1927 to 1932, when Natalija did not write in her journal, she and George continued to live in Belgrade, where her oldest children �nished their educations and began their careers. Dragan, Natalija’s oldest son, married a girl named Vera, who came from a well-to-do Vranje family. Dragan and Vera built a beautiful home (designed by Dragan) in Dedinje, with a large garden and small swimming pool. Shortly therea�er, they had two children: a son, Jovan, born in 1930, and a daughter, Divna, born in 1931. Meanwhile, Natalija continued her efforts to help Mirko cope with his in�rmity. She bought him a three-wheeled motorcycle so he could get around on his own and taught him to be as independent as possible. Indeed, he became a very sociable young man who had many friends and was considered the life of the party. When Natalija wouldn’t let him go out at night, his friends would o�en sneak him out through the window. While Natalija’s family was happily growing, political and economic developments in the West were taking an ugly turn. October 29, 1929 saw the stock market crash in New York City, which ultimately caused a worldwide economic depression. International trade, prices, pro�ts, and personal incomes all declined precipitously, leading nearly all European countries to install high tariffs which only further reduced trade. Agricultural prices plummeted while unemployment rates skyrocketed—reaching as high as 60 percent among some trade union members. While European economies faltered, so too did their democratic regimes. All over Central and Eastern Europe, newly created democratic states, with the sole exception of Czechoslovakia, were replaced by military or monarchical dictatorships. O�en these dictatorships had a quasi-fascist �avor to 397

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them, as some began to agree with leaders like Hitler and Mussolini that democracy was a fundamentally misguided concept and the masses needed a “fuhrer” to lead them. �e political situation in the Kingdom of Yugoslavia, as in the rest of Europe, deteriorated steadily in the early 1930s. Croats, Macedonians, Albanians, and some Slovenes and Bosnians continued to resent the predominantly Serb character of the state, even as many Serbs, like Natalija, were disgusted by the autocratic behavior of the king. On October 9, 1934, King Alexander I was assassinated while on an official visit to France. His assassin was perfectly representative of the radical political forces that had begun to develop both in and outside the Yugoslav state in opposition to its existence. He was a Macedonian revolutionary, trained in Hungary and �nanced by Italian fascists, with connections to the Croat fascists known as the Ustasha. �e heir to the throne, Peter, was only 11 years old, so a regency was established under the former king’s cousin, Prince Paul. Paul was an Oxford-educated democrat who introduced some moderation to the dictatorship. Nonetheless, he perceived himself as only a temporary caretaker with no mandate to make signi�cant changes in the structure of the state. Moreover, by 1935 a new government was established under Milan Stojadinović and his Yugoslav Radical Union—a strictly governmental party that, over time, increasingly introduced quasi-fascist symbols and a�ributes. Indeed, Natalija engaged in heated political debates with her grandchildren’s godfather, a member of the Yugoslav Radical Union who lived next door. �ey o�en shouted at one another across the fence while remaining close friends. Despite Paul’s Anglophile leanings, Yugoslav foreign and economic policies also began to shi� toward Germany, now headed by Hitler and the Nazis. As the German economy recovered in the mid-1930s, southeastern Europe came increasingly under its economic and political control. By 1939, both Serb and Croat politicians recognized the very serious threat the Nazi regime posed to Yugoslav sovereignty, and they began to work together to increase Yugoslavia’s internal stability. �e outcome of this effort was an agreement known as the Sporazum, signed by Croatian leader Vladko Maček and the Prime Minister, a Serb, Dragiša Cvetković, which essentially divided Yugoslavia into two halves, much as the Austrian Empire had been split in 1867 into the Austro-Hungarian Empire. �e Sporazum was by no means fully satisfactory; many Serbs were unhappy about it, and the smaller national groups, in particular the Slovenes and the Bosnian Muslims, felt entirely le� out and betrayed. Nonetheless, the Sporazum was an important �rst step, and had it been reached �ve or ten years earlier, 398

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it might have helped Yugoslavia survive. As it was, there was li�le that could protect Yugoslavia from the growing power of the Nazis and their designs on their Slavic neighbors. As the decade drew to a close in Yugoslavia, Serbs and Croats alike became increasingly preoccupied with the growing German threat on Yugoslavia’s border, a threat that proved far worse than any of them imagined. January 5, 1932

A questionnaire came out in a magazine: “Where does the happiest woman of Yugoslavia live?” I read the responses of idle women whose main concern is to get published. Indeed, a happy woman is nowhere to be found. A woman invests everything and gets nothing in return. Everybody takes from her what they need-her husband, her children, and her house. She gets dreams of happiness in return. And when she is most certain that she is ful�lling herself and holding happiness �rmly in her hand, she is sha�ered by the realization that nobody needs her anymore and thus she buries her dreams of happiness, waiting for eternity and forgetfulness to erase them from memory. January 28, 1932

Around seven-thirty in the morning I gave George a ride to the clinic for internal diseases to have his heart examined and treated. It was difficult to watch him at the house so depressed and without any desire to live. I feel that the thread that used to tie us together has thinned out, and that he occasionally loses his consciousness. �is kind of life is difficult for me. I am sorry about the 12 years we spent together, for he already thinks his life is over. He is no longer interested in anything except his illness. I am much sicker than he is, but I’m still �ghting. I fell ill a�er February 2 with bronchitis. I caught an even worse cold when I went to the clinic to visit George, because one has to remove one’s coat in the hallway, and there is no heat there. From the hallway I climbed up to the second �oor and sat for an hour in George’s warm room, and then warm like that I had to go downstairs to the hallway to get my coat. Twice when I put it on I felt as if I had put on cold compresses and I was shivering all the way to the house. I don’t have a high fever today but I still feel bad and am coughing. I am not lying in bed, though, because I don’t have time. �ere is nobody else to do the work but me and nobody thinks I am seriously ill. I am afraid of ge�ing so ill that I can’t get out of bed because I don’t want to bother the children. I will �ght as long as I can, but if I can’t manage I will do the same as that professor who hung himself the morning I arrived at the clinic with George. All kinds of stories are circulating at the hospital 399

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about him--that the police searched his apartment a few nights ago and that he had come into con�ict with the Minister of Education and even the royal court regarding the St. Sava celebration. Who knows what really went on? He is no longer alive to tell us, but he was the most prominent member of the School of Medicine. I haven’t seen George in three days. We talk on the phone every day, but those are only formalities that do not warm up what has grown cold between us. He thinks only about himself, which is natural, because he was alone for a long time. I interfered with his life, and, who knows, perhaps he regrets it now. George’s brother, Milan, who is a doctor, wrote to George telling him not to think only of his heart. He told him that his own heart is in a worse condition than George’s, but he still works and does what is necessary. Oh, my Milan, if you didn’t have those two children of yours, you would also think like George. I would also like to lie down, because I feel more ill than ever before, but when I look around and see that everybody needs me, I keep going for as long as I can. Today Danko came to submit his work for the state exam. He looks well, but he is sorry he isn’t with me anymore. He spends a lot of money because he isn’t experienced at running a household. I got up and made him something to eat while he was here. Dragan’s wife, Vera, came yesterday and brought their li�le son, Jova, to see his grandma. It was chaos at the house. I didn’t prepare anything because I was in bed and hardly able to walk. I wanted to say, “Since you’ve come, perhaps you could help me and clean the rooms,” but when I realized she wasn’t able to see that for herself, I got up and cleaned everything myself. Li�le Jova stayed with me, and his mother came again last night and took him away because he started to cry. It’s be�er this way because I’m not feeling well. Before I fell ill I was running around administrative offices sorting out the pensioners’ applications. I went to the tax administration twice, but then fell ill and now there is nobody to do it. Mirko has some friends over, good for them. I like them because they remember my Mirko and always come to visit him. We are waiting for his motorcycle to be repaired so that he can go to school again. My Mirko is a good student. Milica is doing her homework now. She is also a good student. She �nished doing the laundry I started before I fell ill. Let her learn, let her work, we can’t pay for everything. My heart breaks because of Dragan, who works too much. His Vera loves him, but not enough to see that he needs rest and that she should do something herself, rather than let him pay for everything, since her parents can’t help them. In 400

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my entire life and in both of my marriages I never paid anyone to do the ironing, although I earned my own salary. But she does it all the time. It’s not her fault but her mother’s who didn’t teach her right. �ey spend a lot of money at their house although their pockets are empty and they have a lot of debts. She found happiness because she has a good soul. If only, with God’s help, I can �nd husbands for my two daughters, I will teach them differently. Each of them should work and pay only for what they can’t do themselves because they’re working. Both of them are ge�ing ready to have their own careers. Why doesn’t God help me win the lo�ery so that I can buy them houses and teach Vera how to run a household? I am only afraid my li�le grandson Jova might feel the consequences of this. I again have a fever and don’t feel well, but I’ll go out tomorrow. Let come what may! February 14, 1932

Last night was difficult.I feltconstrictioninmychestallthewaytotheesophagus since yesterday morning. A�er lunch I went to see George at the clinic. Since we had a lot of snow this week and the winter is harsh, I was quite cold despite the fact that the sun came out around noon. I reached the hospital before two o’clock and found George in a be�er mood than last time. A li�le later, the former mayor came, as well as the governor and the chief inspector in retirement—the entire conference. I teased them that they are no longer allowed to congregate in groups larger than three.1 We talked for a long time about heart disease. We later talked about politics and the current situation, given the speech by Grga Andjelković [sic, Andjelinović] and the argument he had with Dragović. Congratulations to Grga, he is the only one who has the courage to demand the abolition of press censorship, an explanation of student demonstrations, and the se�ing up of the Sokol association, instead of this mandatory regime association. Except that we don’t know what was said at the assembly meeting because the newspapers are silent about it and write only about the things they can write about.2 1

2

�is is apparently a reference to the law on political associations that was passed following the new constitution of September 1931. Although there is nothing in the law itself that speci�cally prevented groups of more than three from meeting, it did require all groups wishing to form political organizations to apply to the state, which could forbid it if it were opposed to the state, social order, or public morality, or if it were established on a religious, ethnic, or regional basis. Furthermore, any public meeting at which politics would be discussed had to apply for permission at least three days in advance, and, at the �rst sign of disorder, the government would remove whoever was responsible. Grga Andjelinović was a Croat politician and member of the Democratic Party who had been an elected representative to the Parliament up until Alexander’s dictatorship. Milutin Dragović was a Serb and member of the Radical Party. He, too, had been an elected Parliament member until the dictatorship. A�erwards, however, he

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Today the mechanic brought back Mirko’s motorcycle, repaired with the spare parts we ordered. What he charges amounts to robbery. Hopefully the motorcycle will last for as long as he guarantees it (two years). I will ask Danko to pay for it. February 16, 1932

I didn’t go to see George today. Milica, Vera, and Jova did though. I still feel bad, as if I am going to suffocate all the time. I will go to the clinic at ten-thirty tomorrow morning to get George and I will ask them to examine me. In addition to choking I also feel pain under my ribs on the right side of my back—it must be my liver—(do I have gallstones?) I sorted out my diaries today. I still have our le�ers from Čačak from 1920 to sort out. I’ll do it over the next few days. Nobody except Mirko’s friends came to see us today. I sent a parcel to Nenad this week. He still hasn’t wri�en that he received it. He will have a hard time in the army, but it’s also a school for life. Danko should have gone as well. A bit of discipline wouldn’t hurt him. �e newspaper reports that salaries and pensions were reduced 10 percent in Belgium. Did the prices stay the same there as well? Here nobody can protect us from the swindlers who are cheating both us and the peasants, that is, the middlemen. February 19, 1932

Friday. George came home from the clinic two days ago. �is morning George’s brother, Milan, came. Dr. Arsenijević came and gave George injections. Milan examined me as well. Both of my lung wings are affected. On the tip of my le� wing, I have traces of pleurisy, for which I haven’t stayed in bed. He gave me medication. Mila got engaged. She loves him, so may she be happy. was one of those designated by the king as a senator in the new Parliament. �eir discussion apparently covered a variety of issues related to the regime’s policies, including censorship, student demonstrations--which had taken place at all of the major universities in the countries over the previous two years--and the controversy over the Sokol organization. �e Sokol movement (from the Czech word for falcon) was founded in Prague in the mid-nineteenth century to encourage the physical, moral, and intellectual training of the nation. Although ostensibly apolitical, Sokol organizations played an important role in the Czech national movement and later spread to other Slavic nations. In the late nineteenth century its organizations were founded in Polish, Slovene, Croatian, and even Russian cities. �e movement grew stronger yet in the interwar period. It was always, however, associated with national movements. When King Alexander established his dictatorship in January 1929, he disbanded all of the individual national Sokol movements within Yugoslavia, replacing them with one central official Yugoslav organization. �is was extremely unpopular among the Slovenes and Croats who had long had their own organizations.

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February 24, 1932

Mila got another le�er from her �ancé Sergej in Sarajevo. God help her be happy, she deserves complete happiness because of her good heart and soul. May God therefore reward Daddy’s favorite child. It’s a beautiful day; the frost has relented. I am worried about my own problems and have therefore forgo�en to think about general ma�ers, and who knows what the future holds for us and the children? Milica is still sleeping at Vera and Dragan’s, and my sister Juca is sleeping here. I can’t wait for George’s treatment to �nish successfully. March 19, 1932

Juca le� on Monday evening. Mila keeps ge�ing le�ers from Sarajevo every day. She is killing herself studying law for the state exam. I want her to get that last thing done before she has her own family. March 23, 1932

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary and the �rst day of spring, but it’s still winter. It’s been �ve days since it began to snow. Floods have begun. Our sailor, Nenad, arrived yesterday. We were shocked to see him because we weren’t expecting him. �ey let anyone who wanted to go home for 14 days over the Catholic Easter holiday. He was very tired, and only talked about his life in the army. He went to the command yesterday. From there he went to visit Dragan and will spend the night at his place. He looks good as a sailor. Last night around seven o’clock George had another choking a�ack.Hereceived an injection yesterday—I think that’s what caused it. �is morning Danko called on the phone. He will also come at the end of this week—for Catholic Easter. It’s snowing. My sister Juca wrote to me yesterday that our oldest sister, Jelka, isn’t feeling well. �e poor woman coped for as long as she could while Juca was here. As soon as Juca came back, she fell ill. Mila isn’t feeling well either. She stayed at home and didn’t go to work, but she’s studying again. Sergej keeps writing to her, but she is very busy with her exam. April 9, 1932

Saturday. A�er a few nice days, it rained again yesterday. It was cold last night, and this morning it’s been very unstable—a li�le bit of sunshine and a li�le bit of snow. George has been lying in bed for three days now. He got out of bed and was resting on the bed dressed in his clothes, but two days ago he again had choking a�acks for a few days, each time around midnight, so he’s now back in bed. 403

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Mila and Sergej O�mjanski, married in Belgrade, 1932.

Nenad le� on the fourth. He called today to say that he arrived. He is worried about me, because I fell the day he le�. Danko also came and stayed until his exam. Mila passed the state exam with excellent grades. Out of 68 architects, only she and one other got excellent grades. Sergej came on the sixth. She is very happy, but I am not. He seems foreign, probably because he never used to come to our house like the other children, so that I could get used to him. But the most important thing is for her to be happy.3 3

Mila’s �ancé, Sergej Ošmjanski, was the son of a White Russian emigrant. His father, Konstantin Ošmjanski, was a wealthy nobleman of Polish origin in Russia. Konstantin had a large estate and six ships in the Black Sea. Together with his Russian wife, Ksenija, they had six children. During the Civil War following the Russian Revolution, they naturally fought on the side of the Whites. During that struggle, one of Konstantin’s brothers, his eldest son, and his eldest daughter’s husband all perished, while another brother lost a leg. Ultimately, Konstantin sold his estate, donating all the proceeds to the White Army, and he, his wife, and four younger children, including Sergej (who was 14 at the time) �ed to Yugoslavia. �e family was no longer wealthy but did have enough to buy a one-story house in Belgrade, from which they rented out apartments. A�er a�ending a cadet school for White Russian emigrants, led by the famous Russian general Peter Wrangel, Sergej studied forestry engineering at the university. He met Mila through his sister-in-law, Ana (his brother Evgeniji’s wife), who was a typist at the Ministry of Construction, where Mila worked a�er graduating. Ana introduced the dark-haired, dark-eyed Mila to the blond, blue-eyed Sergej and apparently it was love at �rst sight. Although Sergej was then working in Sarajevo and had to return there immediately, they corresponded for three months and became engaged through the mail.

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April 17, 1932

Danko came yesterday a�ernoon. He has lost a lot of weight as a consequence of the �u and still coughs. Since he started studying for an exam, he has not been looking a�er himself at all. George has been hoarse since last night. He slept well last night, but this morning had a fever. He had a stronger a�ack around nine this morning. On Wednesday I went to the forestry ministry to try to arrange for Sergej to be transferred to Belgrade. �ey promised to arrange everything by Easter. �ere is massive �ooding everywhere. Obrenovac and Šabac are surrounded by water. �e Sava River came up to the Bristol Hotel; soon it will cover the streetcar rails in Karadjordje’s street. Now they will lower our incomes to pay for the damage, but everything has become more expensive. April 18, 1932

Tuesday. Last night at midnight George had another a�ack, slightly longer this time, and another one at eight o’clock this morning. I called his brother, Milan, on the phone and told him everything. He will try to come at least by Wednesday to see what’s going on. We heard an additional 3 percent has been deducted from our salaries. April 29, 1932

Friday. Sergej has been transferred to Belgrade. �e general manager of the Ministry of Ore and Forestry informed me. Dragan’s son Jova spent the whole day at our place yesterday. His entire family was here today, so the children played in the grass in the sun all day. Mila will go to Arandjelovac tomorrow. Last night around midnight, George had another choking a�ack but felt be�er a�er that. He was outside all day today. Several people came to visit and we discussed the difficult situation in the country and the world.4 May 2, 1932

It’s a beautiful day. Dragan and his entire family came. �e children were running around in the yard and the sun all day. Several friends came to visit. We sat under the arbor and had lunch there. A�er lunch, Mila’s future mother-in-law came, who is a wonderful woman. Mila’s future brother-in-law, Dr. Evgenije, and his wife Ana came too. I don’t like Ana, but I do like everybody else. Ana was dressed like some kind of actress—not for a visit but for a dancing party. I didn’t 4

Natalija is presumably referring to the Great Depression as well as to Yugoslavia’s own troubled situation.

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like women who dressed up garishly even during the golden times, let alone now when we have a crisis. In the evening George felt quite bad. He had �ve choking a�acks during the night and stayed in bed all day. May 10, 1932

It’s been raining since noon. George is sick and more nervous than ever. We have to watch everything we’re doing. It’s therefore be�er for Mila to move to an apartment of her own and spend the �rst days of her marriage without us around. She deserves it. I will help her and do anything I can to make her life with Sergej pleasant and free of worries. �ey can come visit us whenever they want. Let them enjoy their freedom while they’re young, I can’t give her that here. I haven’t heard anything from Nenad, and I worry a lot. Danko le� on Saturday already; he didn’t want to stay any longer. We are depressed at our house. Lebrun was elected in France to replace Doumer, who was killed. Herriot won the majority at the elections.5 �is will make the Serbs think. Everybody is talking and writing about the crisis, but I can see that life isn’t difficult yet, at least not here where we are. I get up at least twice every night when George has an a�ack. I have to look a�er him as if he were a child, dress him and take off his clothes. Now that the days are nice, he at least walks to the toilet outside. May 12, 1932

At seven-thirty today I lost my sweet and good George. August 2, 1932, St. Elijah’s Day

My sweet George, I am si�ing alone in our room as I did last year on this day. Last year you went to lunch with the children at Dragan’s place, and I stayed at home to get some rest. Today I stayed at home to cry and remember you and the 12 years we spent happily together in this silence. How hard and sad my life is now that you are gone. How hard are the ba�les I have to �ght on my own for the happiness of my children—mine and yours, Jova’s and yours. 5

Paul Doumer was the president of France from June 13, 1931 until his assassination by an insane Russian émigré in Paris on May 6, 1932. His successor was Albert Lebrun, who kept the post until the German occupation of 1940, making him the last president of the �ird Republic. Lebrun was a member of the center-right Democratic Republican Alliance. Edouard Herriot was elected prime minister a�er Doumer’s assassination and served from June 3 to December 18, 1932. He was a member of the Radical Party; it was his third stint as prime minister.

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George’s gravesite in Belgrade, 1932, with Natalija, Nenad in naval uniform, and Dragan’s son, Jovan.

If only I would win the lo�ery to repay my debts and secure their life before I die. I feel worn out and exhausted. My life is too hard, but I have to keep going because of those around me. I feel you are here next to me in this room, which was �lled with happiness all these years. I will soon go to the cemetery to sit for a while in silence. Have you, my happiness, found Jova over there? Did he embrace you instead of his children? Sweetheart, they are your children as well, because you made a lot of sacri�ces for them, so they also mourn for you. From now on I will pray to both of you for their happiness, that they all get on their feet, and that the two of you should wait for me to come. August 21, 1932

My sweet George, I am again alone in our house. Arandjelovac. �e pharmacist gave me his family’s gravesite. I am having it repaired now so that I can move George’s and Jova’s remains there.6 When Providence so decides, I will join them 6

George is indeed buried at Topčider Cemetary in Belgrade. Natalija had a large stone memorial built there with two benches. She is also buried there, as are her sons and their wives. She never did have Jova’s remains moved up from Vranje, however. Instead, Dragan designed and had built a unique and very impressive headstone in Vranje. Around that time, both Jova’s brother Luka and Natalija’s favorite sister Bela also died. �e location of

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Natalija in mourning in Belgrade, 1932.

there. At the moment I still have to live because of the two young ones. I want them to �nish school. I want to repay my debts and ensure a peaceful life for them, because who knows whether they could repay the mortgage and go to school successfully. �e days are near when we used to go to the Czech Republic. �ose wonderful last days of our trip can never return. I will to go Vranje where we met in the fall of our lives and fell in love with each other. Where are you now? I would like you to be by my side, as you were when I was crying on Jova’s grave. I will do what I can to secure his, yours, and my grave, because I don’t expect anything from the children. �ey hardly remember me now when I’m still alive, not to mention when I’m dead. But may they be happy. I don’t ask for anything else. You have both done what you could, and so have I. I have a li�le bit longer to go to �nish everything up. Luka’s gravesite is unknown. Bela died from tuberculosis that she contracted during the war. According to the grandchildren, she had been engaged to be married, but the wedding was called off when the extent of her illness became known. She was buried in Arandjelovac, but the family gravesite there no longer exists. According to Serbian law, if a family fails to keep up a gravesite and pay taxes on it, a�er a number of years the remains may be removed and the site resold to another family. Oddly, Natalija never mentioned the deaths of Luka, Bela, or her other sisters—Jelka and Juca.

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November 22, 1932

I haven’t le� the house all day. In the a�ernoon I was in my room reading my diaries and going through the records of my partly nice, partly sad past. Yesterday a�ernoon I went to the cemetery to congratulate George on our slava. In that beautiful scenery I searched for some sign from him, but there was nothing. I cried, but in vain. At home the reality that he always talked about was waiting for me. Dragan’s Jova came to see me today. He talked to his Grandma all day about his Grandpa George, whom he hasn’t forgo�en yet. Mila will soon have a baby. Where is George now so that we could enjoy that joyous event together? My happiness would be more complete then. I am looking forward to it and at the same time worrying about Mila’s well-being. I pray to God and to both of you that I may see her become a happy mother, and I help her as much as I can. If George were alive, we would do it together. We wouldn’t let my martyr work so hard when she isn’t feeling well. �e way it is she has to go to the office. Jova is now singing and playing “Oh, Mummy” to her. Sergej is out of town on business and won’t be back before nine o’clock. Milica is in school and Mirko went to his friend’s slava. I shouldn’t have let him go. It’s dark, and who knows how he will get there. I don’t want anything to happen to him in the dark. I have to go to the county command tomorrow because of him. �ey want to see him because of the motorcycle. I also have to go to the tax administration to pay taxes. Life is hard, I still haven’t paid off the house and there is no money anywhere. I need money for the tombstone, owe the contractor, and also my sisters. It will be good if I can �nd a loan; if not, I don’t know what I’m going to do. Danko helps me out and will give me more, as will Nenad. But I have a lot of expenses. I have to take li�le Jova home, because he no longer wants to spend the night at Grandma’s since George is gone. I still think he will come to my door as if he had returned from a trip, with a smile on his face, wearing a hat with his disheveled hair sticking out from underneath and holding a suitcase in his hand. I know he can’t come anymore, but is he going to welcome me with open arms when I come to where he is? Or will there be no more embraces? May 29, 1933

A�er two rainy days, I came to George’s grave. I recently read the le�ers he sent me from Čačak to Vranje. How great his desire was and what high hopes he had. Now my pain and desire are without hope. Nobody needs me anymore, except the two youngest ones. Nenad also has built his own nest. �ree of them have 409

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already le� their mother and have their own life now. My burden is heavy and I remember how joyous and easy life was when George was alive. Our Mirko is soon going to take his �nal high school exam. Who will reward him for his hard work, like George used to reward the older children? September 8, 1933

I spent this month traveling by train. First, I went to Vranje because of our land there, then to see the a�orney, with whom I le� the original land grant and other documents, so that he can �le a case against the Romanians in Ovča. It has to do with a farming lot which was given to George, and which I inherited from him. �e lot was illegally occupied and I have to take legal action to get it back. �en, the Sunday a�er, I went to Šabac for the �rst time in 23 years. It was hard for me to see the station and the main office, the railroad, the bridge, and other things my Jova had built. I again remembered our happy past and I thought I would choke on my tears during the entire journey. �e following Sunday, my sister Juca and I went to Kraljevo. We le� in a hurry, but I wasn’t satis�ed with the trip because I didn’t have time to be alone with Dragan, Vera, and the children. In addition to Dragan’s mother-in-law, two other people I didn’t like hung around all the time. A�er that, Vera, Dragan, and I went to Vranje, where I remembered my happy days with Jova and George and cried more than ever. I also caught a cold there and saw that my �rstborn cares more about his mother-in-law than his mother, for whom he only cares as much as necessary, and sometimes not even that. Christmas Eve, 1933

Around �veo’clockIsaweverybodyoff: Juca, Mila, Sergej, Mirko, Milica, Danko, and Mila’s daughter, Olga.7 �ey went to spend Christmas Eve with Dragan and Vera under the Christmas tree. I stayed at home, because I haven’t been feeling well these last few days, and I don’t want to leave the house to the maid. Nobody made much fuss about that, nor did they ask if I would be all right alone. A�er the maid and I saw them off, I cleaned the room and let the maid eat while I retreated to my room. I lit icon candles in front of St. Archangel’s icon for him, George and Jova, and sat down in the darkness to remember all the Christmas 7

Olga was born on June 25, 1933. Mila, like her mother, gave birth at home with the help of a midwife and, of course, Natalija. Natalija immediately took over much of the work of caring for the baby and thus had li�le time to write in her diary for several months.

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Eves in my life. Many were wonderful. My memories kept coming. I cried for a long time, cursing my hard lot, which has taken away my dearest friends and le� me all alone with the children to cry like this. I prayed to God to keep my children happy on the paths they’ve chosen. I want to see them all happy, but I’m afraid they aren’t. My sweet Nenad has become a stranger; I was hoping he would be happy with his wife, Margita, but I was wrong. She suffers from delusions of grandeur like all members of that family. She is conceited and too proud. When she decided to act that way she should have brought some capital with her so that they could live life carefree. Or she at least could have �nished school so that they would both work and earn a living. She didn’t do either, but she shows off her stupidity and offends people with her carelessness. Nenad has nothing to wear: he goes to work in worn-out trousers, but he can’t accept Dragan’s nice, new trousers, which he can’t wear because they are too tight but are perfect for Nenad. Dragan offered them to Nenad and Nenad agreed, but she didn’t let him take them. She makes him look like a pauper, immature as he is. I am sorry that he got married early and took a great burden on himself early on. I would never ask him to forget his family. �ey should all live together happily and rely on each other. I taught all my children to be like that, why does she now separate brothers from each other? Margita has hurt me many times, consciously and unconsciously. Why couldn’t they also go over to Dragan’s house and spend the evening with his brothers? I sometimes think she is envious of Dragan because he makes more money and they are be�er off. Dragan’s wife Vera is calling me on the phone already. She is the only one who has remembered her mother-in-law, her mother, because she accepted me as if she were my own daughter. Even when I get angry and scold her, she doesn’t hold a grudge but accepts it as if she were my own daughter. I accepted Nenad’s Margita as my own daughter, and I gave her my true love, because I thought she was that way because she had been pampered as the youngest child and lost her mother when she was only one. But there are limits to everything. I still haven’t lost hope that her love for Nenad will change her, as will the love for her child when she gets one. Perhaps that will make her understand us be�er and accept us as her own family. I wouldn’t like my children to separate from each other, because I raised them with a lot of love and taught them to do everything for one another. �at’s how I was raised and God knows what would have happened to us had it not been for my good sisters who made sacri�ces for my children whenever necessary. I would like my children to help one another. 411

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My good George and Jova always knew how to balance my nerves and my oversensitivity. Now there is nobody to do it. If only the two youngest ones would get on their feet, they would not be a burden to their brothers and sisters. Soon Sergej and Mila will move to their own house. If I die before the two youngest ones start making their own living, Danko will have to take care of them and see to it that they don’t end up on the street, because I know his heart wouldn’t allow it. I hope I will live long enough to repair this house for them; I will leave it to Mirko and Milica as an inheritance, until she gets married. When she does, if she can, she can build an addition onto it facing the neighbor’s house, but without blocking the sun too much for Mila and Mirko. If she can’t pay off the mortgage, she’ll have to sell the house and divide the money between the two of them. One half, George’s, will be split among the three of them—Milica, Mirko, and Mila— as George wanted, and the other half, mine, only between Milica and Mirko. If the amount is good, she should also give some of it to Dragan’s son, Jova, for his school excursions. �ey should also use the money from selling our land at Ovča for Mirko’s and Milica’s education, or, if they decide not to sell it, the income from the land. I hope my children will never want or dare do anything other than ful�ll my wishes in this respect. I would be happiest if I could live long enough for them to �nish school, so that I can divide everything among them myself, but wishes are one thing, and fate is another. I am thinking and praying to my Jova and George to help me do the best for our children. January 26, 1934

Last night I started feeling bad at three in the morning. I began spi�ing blood, but I got out of bed, dressed, and made the bed. I spent the whole day lying in bed, feeling very weak. �ey took three hectares of the land in Ovča away from me because it wasn’t farmed. I didn’t want to beg anybody. I went to see the county official who is an expert in those ma�ers and was advised to �le a lawsuit. I have all the papers and the names of all those bad people in the ministry who divided the land among themselves, registered it in real-estate records, both under the German occupation and when our soldiers came. �ey had a hunch land would be repossessed and sold everything to the peasants. I know and have a record of all those jerks. If there’s ever freedom of the press, I will publish it all. August 1, 1934

On St. Elijah’s Day, I went to see my �rstbornandhiswifesothatwecouldcelebrate the day together, and I came back shocked and disappointed. I should have been 412

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Natalija and family in Belgrade, 1934: Standing: Danko, Nenad, Sergej, Mila, Dragan, Mirko Seated: Nenad’s wife Margita with their son Djoka, Natalija with Dragan’s daughter Divna and Mila’s daughter Olga, and Dragan’s wife Vera. Milica is on the floor.

born without all these sentimental feelings. �e way I am now I get hurt easily. I �nd the reason for everything in myself, and I can’t forgive myself for it since I’m a trained educator. I would like to warn them of some things in the way they are bringing up their children so that they won’t suffer later on. But nobody listens to me. �e six months between these two entries were momentous ones, both for Natalija’s family and for Yugoslavia. Natalija’s daughter Mila fell ill and gave birth to her daughter two months prematurely. At the same time, the government was thrown into crisis when the king was assassinated in Paris by a Macedonian extremist.

January 1, 1935

�at damned year (1934) is �nally over. It contained a lot of bad days both for the house and its surroundings; Mila’s illness before her second delivery ruined everything for me. Mila gave birth at seven months to a daughter, whom they 413

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named a�er me. During all this time I didn’t have time to write. Mila’s illness before birth, then the delivery and surgery, then her �rst daughter Olga’s illness, then all the children had measles, and there were various other illnesses too. February 5, 1935

A few days ago I sent away the church sexton and told him I no longer celebrate slavas and that they should remove me from the list of their parishioners. I don’t want anybody from the church to come see me, nor will I let them inside the house. I think of George and feel that he agrees with me. He’s not angry with me, broken and faithless as I am, without love, reason, and everything that made me the way I am and the way I used to be when he fell in love with me. But it’s just too late now. It’s been four years since we parted. He watched my heart break and my body being destroyed by the burden we used to carry together. And so, blow a�er blow, I now have a wound created by our parting, which nobody can heal. I am lighting candles in front of the icon of our slava to illuminate your path, George, so that you will reach out to me, because you always knew how to encourage and reason with me. February 10, 1935

I bought a meter of �rewood. Since Sergej wasn’t able to get a job in Belgrade, Mila asked for and got a transfer to Sarajevo. �eir house still isn’t �nished, so Nenad, Margita, and their child are going to move in until Mila and Sergej come back. But when will that be? April 7, 1935

I visited Mila in Sarajevo. We went to Ilidža and to the source of the Bosnia River. Over the next several years, Natalija wrote fewer and fewer real diary entries, o�en just making short notations on a calendar instead. To �ll out the story, we have included several le�ers she wrote to her daughter Mila in Sarajevo. Many of these are not dated, but their approximate location in the chronology can be determined from the events described. At about this time, Mila ordered construction to begin on a house that she had designed herself across the yard from Natalija’s. Natalija was very involved in that project. She also was busy working through her connections in Belgrade to get Mila’s husband Sergej trans414

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ferred back to the city. As in the past, these negotiations were inevitably connected to politics. During this period, Mila’s two-and-a-half-year-old daughter, Olga, became seriously ill and was hospitalized with scarlet fever, diphtheria, and an ear infection. When she was released from the hospital, she returned to Belgrade with Natalija, who nursed her back to health. According to Olga, her grandmother Natalija saved her life, even teaching her how to walk again.8

Dear Mila, I have been tossing and turning in bed since midnight, so I �nally got up. I turned the light on and was sorting out some things, when I decided to write to you. I need you to send me a plan of your house if you have one. Let me know how much you need to repay that friend of yours who lent you the money to build the house. What’s the total amount, so that I can keep that in mind when se�ing the price for the house? I went to �ve administrative offices to see about the taxes yesterday and to get some sort of papers for the pension and the disability bene�ts. I still haven’t received the pension for the children. From my pension I paid off the most urgent expenses. I have to pay all of your debts and all of mine, but I’ll �nd a way. My sweet sons know nothing about it and they don’t care about my worries and troubles, so they don’t even come to see what’s going on. I am not that angry with Nenad, but I won’t forgive that old son of mine. Danko still hasn’t come; he would make my last days nicer. He called me on the phone not long ago and said “Mummy” to me, and I cried, because nobody had called me that in 30 years. If only you were here. Love, Mummy My dear children, February 13, 1936 I’ve taken the necessary steps, so with God’s help the end result will be as it should be. �is morning my friend Dušan [priest, the father of Danko’s �ancée Vera] went to see his boss, at the Forest Ministry and told him to see me and do anything he can to help. I went there this morning and the secretary immediately asked me if I was the lady on whose behalf the people’s deputy had come to 8

�is is the same Olga who would later transcribe and edit her grandmother’s handwri�en diaries and publish them in Serbian as Natalija: Dnevnički zapiski Natalije Matić Zrnić (1880–1956) (Belgrade: Signature, 2002).

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intervene, and I was given a very nice welcome. I told him everything and he wrote down Sergej’s name. He said if he wants to come to the Ministry (in Belgrade), we will have to wait for a bit, but if he wants, he could immediately go to Niš. Niš is full of our people, so it will be easier to transfer to Belgrade later. In Niš I would seek a connection through Marko with Dragiša Cvetković, because it seems they are becoming stronger and stronger. �e seamstress is making a dress for Olga; I will send it to her when it’s done. As for what’s going on with Nataša [Mila’s second daughter], you also got your teeth when you were 11 months old. Bathe her more frequently until her teeth come through. Kiss my dear Olga and Nataša for me, tell them Grandma misses them a lot. Love, Mum Dear Mila, Your dear daughter, Olga, is still asleep, because we went to bed around eleven last night. �e trip went well, there were many people we knew, so that they made room for us. She slept all the way to Obrenovac. I dressed her and gave her her coat and a hat, and she said, “Call them, to see how beautiful I am” (she meant the gentlemen outside the door). �en that surveyor’s assistant from your practicum said, “You’re not as beautiful as your mummy, and I don’t know your father,” and he described to her how tall and pre�y you were. He remembers that I also used to come to Smederevo. Milica, Dragan and his wife, and Nenad’s Margita waited for us at the station. Everybody else was at home, including Danko’s new girlfriend, Vera, and Dragan’s children. It was late last night and they all have a cough so they didn’t come to meet us. As soon as Olga walked in she �ew into Djoka’s arms and they kept kissing each other. She didn’t call or mention either one of you. Nenad’s Djoka kept talking and she was lining up dominoes, and he told her she was doing it the wrong way. �ey will bring that white bed from Vera’s place and she will sleep in it by herself. �is morning she opened her eyes and said, “Grandma, scratch my leg,” and I walked up to the bed, and she laughed and asked me if that old man (record player) was going to sing. �ey have broken the phone and were waiting for me to have it repaired; that’s why they haven’t been calling very much recently. Mum sends you a hug.

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Dear Mila, On Sunday we went over to Dragan and Vera’s for Jova’s birthday [March 15]. I have a terrible cough. Your darling Olga also has a slight cough but she got some medication and she’s doing �ne now. �ey can’t bring Djoka over in the rain and I don’t want to take her out now either; she is with a friend now and is satis�ed. �ey are si�ing on the large bed and playing “mother-in-law.” �is morning she washed the windows with us, but this morning she asked, “Where is Mummy?” I told her I was writing to you. She got a pre�y doll that sleeps from Aunt Milica. You should have seen the joy on her face when she took the doll in her arms and pressed her on her chest, saying, “My sweet li�le doll.” I can’t send you any money because I’m broke myself. If it weren’t for Danko, it would be bad. We haven’t heard anything here about that assassination. I �nd it repulsive, and don’t even want to think about it.9 I am going to give Olga some boiled fruit. It’s pouring down rain. Love, Mum Dear Mila, Olga spent all day with the children today. She is teaching Djoka and pretending to be his mother. She is still asleep now, although it’s nine o’clock, because she and the other kids were making a ruckus last night. Everything will be �ne with the debts and your move. �e children’s godfather will take Olga up to the hospital in his car to �nish everything. He will also check her urine and lungs. All four of the children walked on the concrete around the house yesterday in the sun, holding each other’s hands; Jova, Divna, Olga, and Djoka. We are waiting for the repairman to come �x the phone, but he hasn’t come yet. Mum sends you all a hug. May 4, 1936

Mila and Olga went to Sarajevo.

9

Natalija is likely referring here to a failed assassination a�empt against Prime Minister Milan Stojadinović in the Serbian Parliament on March 6, 1936.

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June 7, 1936

Danko got married to Vera, the daughter of a priest, Dušan Popović, and his wife, So�ja. Dear Mila, I got your card and Milica’s le�er from the seaside. I see she doesn’t care that I sent her a wire and a card asking her to come. I won’t forgive you for le�ing her go without my permission. Write to her immediately to come back either to your place or home. She should not hope to get anything from home or from her brothers. She’s only now opened her eyes. I keep telling them they will have a hard time when I die, but she is counting on that happening very soon. Since my trip to Vranje, I haven’t been feeling well. It must be from that tunnel and the sulfur. A vein in my lungs burst, so I coughed a whole handful of blood. It has go�en cold here, and it bothers me. Love, Mum Dear Mila, �is morning I got a card from Milica. I won’t write to her, nor will I send her anything. If she hasn’t come, send her this card so that she knows nobody will send her anything anymore. She got 100 dinars from Dragan, and she should have come back immediately. I am going to Vranje on Saturday. I want to spend St. Elijah’s Day at Jova’s grave. She should have spent the money she wasted on going to the seaside for a trip to her father’s grave. Dragan’s Vera has come back and visited me twice. She is ge�ing ready for her slava. A�er that, she will go to see you. I won’t come before September, when it gets colder. Love, Mum Dear Mila, I arrived here in Vranje around eleven last night and I’m going back to Belgrade a�er lunch today. I wanted to persuade Aunt Juca to give up her apartment and move to Belgrade, but that’s impossible and I won’t ask her anymore. I walked through all the streets here where I met your father 33 years ago. Everything looks the same, except that our loved ones are no longer here. I dreamt about you last night and am worried about how you’re doing. In a few days I will go there. Love to all of you, Mum 418

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October 24, 1936

Dear Mila, In spite of the fact that I sent you a card and a le�er yesterday, when I read your le�er I decided to write to you again and tell you it’s you who is naïve, not I. I will never praise my family, or hide what everybody around me knows and I don’t agree with. I can’t stand lies or phoniness, regardless who it concerns. First of all, I didn’t complain to that woman about Milica. I just wanted to explain Milica’s bad mood and silence all day. Otherwise it might have seemed that Milica was upset with them. I talked to that woman about other things, including that, and she said she would rather give her daughter to a Jew, like Milica’s new �ancé, than to a Muslim. I corrected her and said that I don’t allow my children to get married before they �nish school on principle. I added that Milica won’t do it either. �e other thing that upsets me is that Milica would change her faith for love, not because I like the Orthodox religion be�er, but because I would feel sorry for both her and him (if he demands this of her) for exchanging voluntarily and as an university-educated person, something imposed on her against her will when she weighed only �ve kilos, for something else that’s even older and worse than our own religion. �at’s where the misunderstanding lies. I think Milica should have a civil marriage and each of them should keep their religion. I am not ashamed my daughter is in love. �at’s normal for students and I don’t care if all of Sarajevo knows about it. Nor will that come to haunt her later, as some say. It never caused me any harm when the idle people in town badmouthed me. It’s their job and pastime. Poverty hurts me the most, but I carried that burden as well my entire life.10 I have had to run around a lot these past two weeks to see about the land I inherited from George. Everybody is busy with their own affairs, so they le� their mother in the lurch. Nenad still answers the phone and communicates with me, but his wife no longer exists for me. You all can do what you think is best. I am done with her and that’s never going to change. She kept saying I never liked her—she’s right, I didn’t, because one has to earn another person’s love. But I didn’t let that interfere with my treatment of her, and I never hated her as she claims. Now I simply �nd her repulsive. You know that this year I have made even greater sacri�ces for you and showed you that despite the fact that I sometimes blow up, nobody would ever help you as much as I did. So at least you can refrain from preaching at me in your le�ers, 10

�is entry refers to Milica’s new �ancé, Jakov Papo, who was Jewish. As can be seen from Natalija’s entry, she had somewhat mixed feelings about him but again was mainly concerned about her children’s happiness and future well-being.

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because you know that it’s worse when parents praise their children, and everybody else badmouths them. People always congratulate me on being a good mother, except for the six of you who always �nd something wrong with me. Every day I decide to wise up and turn my back on you all like other parents do. I could just leave you the house and the estate and die in peace with only my pension. But our li�le martyr, Mirko, still keeps me here. I told Sergej to send an application [for his transfer]. I also said that Dušan Kalanović [the family’s godfather and neighbor] would intervene for the transfer. He just dropped by brie�y and I also had a chance to do him a favor. I’ll have to see how we can arrange this. Love, Mum Dear Mila, Your godfather Dušan was just here. Last night at the meeting of the Yugoslav Radical Union, he met Janković, Stojadinović, and Cvetković, and he personally talked to Janković about Sergej’s transfer because they are friends. Janković told him that I don’t have to go anywhere, that it will be enough if Dušan writes and suggests everything we want. �iswon’thappenquickly,becausenoteverybodyisinBelgrade, so Sergej should write a request for Belgrade, and possibly also for Novi Sad.11 September 13, 1937

Dear Mila, I didn’t have the time to write to you because I was busy. Olga and Juca have been playing all day. Juca is again her child, and she is her mother. Yesterday Danko’s Vera asked her if she wanted to go back to Sarajevo to Mummy. She said she didn’t want to go, she only liked Grandma and wanted to stay in Grandma’s nice yard. �e fruit trees are in bloom as never before, the blossoms are as white as in Japan, but I’m afraid they’ll get ruined. I got your le�er with the picture. Why did you cover Nataša with that thing on her head? Vera brought some silk for you and Milica to make dresses from. �e mother-in-law bought some beige fabric with li�le branches for Milica in Novi 11

�eir godfather and neighbor, Dušan Kalanović, was a member of the Yugoslav Radical Union which was the “government” party during the years of the dictatorship. Its leader, and the head of that government, was Milan Stojadinović, a Serb with quasi-fascist leanings. Dragiša Cvetković, another Serb, was Minister of Social Welfare and head of the state workers’ union. We will encounter him again later. Djure Janković was Minister of Forestry and Mining in Stojadinović’s government.

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Sad and some green fabric for you. It’s very dark and suitable for a summer dress you could wear to the office or when you go to visit people. She also bought me some green fabric. �ey told me not to dress as an old woman anymore, but to have a nice casual dress made. �ey told me I should wear it every day, and that I can have it dyed if the color turns pale. Milica and Mirko are not going to the university because of an incident that happened there. �ey say someone broke into the dean’s apartment a few days ago and demolished it, throwing all his things outside.12 Concerning the things you wrote to me about the new maid, perhaps that tragedy of hers will make her loyal to you and a�entive to the children. Hopefully her de�ciency won’t interfere with the hard work. Is she healthy? I also took a woman aged 40. Her name is Irina. I pay her 300 dinars with the office included. But you know I am difficult to please. I am going to keep her while all these people are in the house, and if she turns out to be good in everything, perhaps I’ll keep her. She is clean and honest. Love, Mum Although Natalija did not write in her journal again for two years, her life continued much as before. She spent a great deal of time with her grandchildren, particularly with Mila’s daughter Olga, whom she had nursed back to health. She o�en took Olga to the movie theater to see romantic �lms, since Dragan worked in the �lm industry and had free passes to the theater. Milica and Mirko continued to live at home with Natalija, while Danko and his new wife Vera built a house with the money from her dowry. Natalijia’s physical and emotional health was deteriorating, however, as she continued to suffer from the tuberculosis she had contracted during the First World War, as well as from a general sense of loneliness and loss. 12

�is was probably a relatively minor act of vandalism but one inspired by a much larger and more important earlier event. In the winter and spring of 1935–36 communist youth in Belgrade, Zagreb, and Ljubljana planned joint demonstrations against the regime. �e initial demonstrations in Ljubljana and Zagreb so concerned the rector of Belgrade University, Vladimir Ćorović, that he took extremely harsh measures, including the preliminary arrest of many students, the establishment of a police presence on campus, and the encouragement of violent clashes between the regime’s official youth organization and le�ist students. When one such clash resulted in the death of a communist student and police prevented the public from a�ending the funeral, le�ist students responded by a�acking and demolishing the rector’s apartment. Although a general strike by students and constant public pressure eventually forced the university to give in and replace Ćorović by the end of April 1936, we may assume that the vandalism to which Natalija refers in September 1937 was in response to those earlier events.

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Introduction

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Introduction

Chapter 14.

War Again 1939-1945

Background

N

atalija began writing in her journal again on September 1, 1939, the day Germany invaded Poland, launching the Second World War. Hitler and the Nazi party had become increasingly aggressive in the previous months and years, occupying �rst the Rhineland in 1936, Austria in March 1938, Czechoslovakia’s Sudetenland in September 1938, and �nally the rest of Czechoslovakia in the spring of 1939. �e Western European response to Nazi aggression had been disappointingly weak, leaving the small Eastern European countries increasingly vulnerable to German economic and political pressure. Finally, following Germany’s invasion of Czechoslovakia, both England and France promised to declare war in case of German aggression against Poland. By this time, the Soviet Union had lost all faith in Western deterrence and Soviet leader Stalin had begun making overtures to Hitler concerning a possible alliance. �at alliance, known officially as the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact and signed on August 23, 1939, freed Hitler from the threat of a two-front war. �e Nazis invaded Poland only one week later. �is time, however, the Allies acted. Two days a�er the German invasion of Poland, Britain and France declared war against Germany. �e Second World War had officially begun, pi�ing the Axis Powers—Germany, Italy, and Japan— against the Allies—France, Britain, and eventually Russia and the United States. During the �rst two years of the war, �ghting took place primarily in Western Europe and to the advantage of the Axis Powers. German troops invaded Denmark and Norway in April 1940, and Belgium, the Netherlands, and France in May. In June, Italy declared war on the Allies. British troops sent to France were forced to retreat to Dunkirk, where hundreds of thousands were evacuated to Britain. With most of Europe under Axis control, Hitler launched an air a�ack 423

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against Britain in anticipation of a future invasion. While the British a�empted to stave off this invasion, Russia and the United States entered the war in 1941. In June 1941, the Germans negated the terms of the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact and invaded the Soviet Union. Despite Stalin’s apparent a�ack of nerves and weeklong disappearance from the scene, Russia quickly declared war against the Axis Powers. Several months later, on December 7, the United States officially entered the war following the surprise Japanese a�ack on Pearl Harbor. As in the First World War, the Balkan states scrambled to �nd the best situation for themselves, as they contemplated the likelihood of German reprisals in the event they chose to support the Allies. �e kings of Bulgaria and Romania were ethnically German and held pro-German sympathies. Just as important, those states that felt they had lost territory or prestige in the First World War were now anxious to regain it with German backing. Bulgaria, in particular, saw the imminent con�ict as an opportunity to regain land it had lost to its neighbors in both the First World War and the Balkan Wars. Hungary, too, saw the war as a way to recapture lost land and prestige. Yugoslavia, in contrast, had been a “winner” in the First World War and sought desperately to avoid becoming involved in this one. By March 1941, however, Germany was exerting enormous pressure on the Yugoslav government to sign the Tripartite Pact and to at least allow for the transportation of German supplies through Yugoslavia to Greece, which by this time had been invaded by Italy but was �ghting back �ercely, requiring Hitler to come to Mussolini’s defence. Eventually, Regent Paul’s government caved under the pressure and signed, provoking a coup by nationalist, anti-German army officers who recognized the young King Peter II as king a few months before his 18th birthday and renounced the Axis Pact. Hitler ordered an immediate assault on Yugoslavia. A devastating bombing of Belgrade on April 6 paralyzed the Yugoslav High Command, while German troops, joined by Italian and Hungarian units, a�acked from neighboring states. Overrun before its forces could even fully mobilize, Yugoslavia surrendered unconditionally a�er only 11 days of �ghting. German losses totaled fewer than 600 men, while Yugoslavia suffered some 100,000 ba�le casualties and more than 300,000 men were captured. King Peter and the members of government �ed to London where they set up a government in exile. �e war in Yugoslavia was officially over; the occupation had begun. All the participants in the invasion now received a piece of Yugoslavia. �e country was partitioned almost beyond recognition, with various parts falling under the occupation of Germany, Italy, Hungary, Bulgaria, and the quisling fas424

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cist regime, known as the Independent State of Croatia. �ough all of the occupation regimes were brutal in various ways, it was the Independent State of Croatia, headed by the Croatian Ustasha regime and its leader Ante Pavelić, that has become infamous for the extent of its atrocities. Installed in Zagreb by Italian fascists in the �rst few days of the war, Pavelić, accompanied by a few hundred Ustasha supporters, immediately set out to make Croatia an ethnically pure state, carrying out policies of genocide against the Serbian population that had lived there since the �fteenth century. New laws deprived Serbs of citizenship rights, prohibited Serbs (as well as Jews and Gypsies) from employment in state service, and outlawed interracial marriages, while others worked to forcibly convert Orthodox Serbs to Catholicism. Before long, bands of Ustasha thugs began rampaging through Serb villages and killing Serbs who were unable or unwilling to �ee or convert. Resistance to the various occupation regimes began almost immediately a�er the royal government capitulated. It consisted of two main forces: the Serbian Chetniks, who initially had the blessing of the government in exile, and the Communist-led Partisans, who ultimately received Western backing. Serbian Chetnik (the term for guerilla) �ghters initially consisted of soldiers who had escaped to the hills to continue the irregular war behind enemy lines. Gathering around a career officer by the name of Draža Mihailović, they began harassing the enemy in Serbia, hoping ultimately to restore King Peter to the throne in a Yugoslavia once again dominated by Serbs. German reprisals were �erce, however, and competition from the Communist-led Partisan forces stiff. Fairly quickly, Mihailović concluded that it would be be�er to concentrate Chetniks’ energy on �ghting the Communists. He even proved willing to cooperate with the Germans to do so. �e Chetniks justi�ed their actions with the argument that the Allies would surely defeat the Germans and that what really ma�ered was who would rule Serbia a�er the war. Nonetheless, news of the Chetniks’ collaboration with the Germans eventually reached Western ears, leading the British to transfer their support from the Chetniks to the Partisans, who were more willing to engage the Axis forces, even in the face of �erce reprisals, and who ultimately proved to be the more effective resistance force. Although the Partisans, too, initially a�racted mainly Serb recruits, they supported the reconstruction of a federal Yugoslavia based on the “brotherhood and unity” of all nations and called on all of Yugoslavia’s nations and nationalities to join with them in resisting the occupying forces. �is careful policy, together with both British and Soviet support, contributed to the Partisans’ success in taking power a�er the war. 425

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For Natalija and her family, a�empting to survive the war and occupation in Serbia demanded many of the skills they had acquired in the last world war. Periodically pounded by bombing raids, subject to harsh requisitioning of food and labor, and with li�le medical care available, life in occupied Belgrade was dangerous and �lled with uncertainty. Although Natalija did not have the constant worry that her husband might be taken away at a moment’s notice, she did worry constantly about the health and safety of her children and grandchildren. And this time, she had to help keep a dangerous secret.

September 1, 1939

Today I took Olga to school. She started �rst grade. I put a large, white bow in her hair and dressed her nicely. She is very shy and asocial but is excited about school. We waited for a long time for the teachers to come out and take over the children and take them to the classrooms. It took a long time and wasn’t well organized. At ten o’clock I met her again in front of the school. �ey say her teacher has bad nerves, but I didn’t want to move her to another class. September 2, 1939

Nenad’s wife, Margita, is still expecting her delivery. �is is the main reason I stayed, because I felt bad about leaving now when she is expecting delivery. If she is like a daughter to me now, then I need to be like a mother to her when she is giving birth to her child, especially since she doesn’t have her own mother. �ey brought Mirko’s motorcycle from France; it’s very comfortable. �ese hard circumstances interfere with so many things. I went to the meeting of the Oganj Cremation Society at the hotel and I watched the rehearsal for the car races through the window.1 �e real race is tomorrow. �e whole world is on �re, and we feel like racing. �ey are decorating the whole town for King’s Day, but who knows what might happen in the meantime. 1

Although cremation was neither legal nor possible in Yugoslavia until 1964, a cremation society, Oganj (meaning “Flame”), was formed as early as 1904. Although there were only 17 members at its �rst meeting, by the second one, held in 1906, the membership had grown to 86. Oganj began publishing a journal in 1934, perhaps inspired by Pharos, the journal of the Council of the Cremation Society of England, which also began publication that year. Interest in cremation in Europe had begun in England in the 1870s. It was �rst legalized there in 1884. A�er an initial meeting of representatives from 11 countries in Prague in 1936, the International Cremation Federation was founded the following year. Natalija never discusses the reasons for her interest in the society. It was a movement that was associated with the intellectual elite, however, and with progressive ideals concerning sound sanitation and environmental policies.

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Dragan and his wife, Vera, in Belgade, 1939.

September 3, 1939

Sunday. My entire family was here today. Dragan, Vera, the children, and their mother-in-law. Milica’s boyfriend, Jakov, also came for the �rst time. I fell in love with that child as if he were my own son. England and France are mobilizing people, they have declared war against Germany. In the a�ernoon Nenad came with his wife Margita and some friends. We only talked about the war and the difficult days that are ahead of us. I feel very sorry for the Poles. �ey will be occupied just like Czechoslovakia was. September 4, 1939

Monday. �e weather is still beautiful. �e whole world is nervous. Individuals are joining the army; it is gradual mobilization. Early this morning I went to Danko’s house. On the way back, I took Olga to school. �en I did other things around the house and went to the big market. Nenad’s Margita was here around noon. May God help her deliver that baby �nally so that things will be easier for her and Nenad and the rest of us. 427

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Danko and his wife, Vera, in Belgrade.

September 5, 1939

Tuesday. �e entire celebration of King’s Day was cancelled because of the difficult situation in the whole world, but especially in the countries around Serbia. �at’s good. �e fair has also been cancelled. Today I heard that mobilization is going to start on the 7th. Around ten o’clock, Vera and Danko arrived. �ank God they arrived safely. Mila’s daughter, Olga, started screaming when she woke up in the a�ernoon from her nap as she does every day now. �is is turning into a disease. One has to treat her carefully and not talk about war in front of the children.2 Mirko came, had dinner, and le� again. He said he had heard we could no longer listen to the radio. Milica hasn’t come either to tell me the news. I don’t want to leave Belgrade. Whatever happens, may I experience it in my own house. Everybody is stocking up on groceries, but I haven’t done anything special yet— 2

According to Olga, these panic a�acks were related to her illness and hospitalization the previous year and were unrelated to the war. She eventually outgrew them.

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I am a fatalist. What is meant to be will be. What millions of other people are enduring, we will also endure. A slight wind picked up around eight o’clock, but now it has turned into a strong wind. Will the weather change? It’s almost ten o’clock. I didn’t want to have dinner, I want to get used to what’s ahead of us if war breaks out. �at’s good for me, because my stomach is almost as big as Margita’s, all fat. Poor Polish people. Dragan just called me on the phone and said that Hitler had sent a hundred divisions on them. What are the English and the French waiting for? �ey have supposedly gone to war but haven’t done anything to prove it yet. I just looked at the newspaper and saw how the Germans and Hitler are destroying things and making a corridor. Is this the end of the world? All their culture and civilization disgust me now and I spit on it. Who could have known that that stooped dog would cause such evil for the entire world when he was born? September 6, 1939

�ursday. Everybody is nervous and worried. �e Germans are entering Poland. �ey say that the French have broken through Siegfried’s line.3 September 7, 1939

I went to the Mortgage Bank, but the policeman wouldn’t let me in. �ere was a large crowd of people standing outside and waiting to withdraw their deposits. It’s a scandal that people who have their own money have to suffer for having no money. �ey say the Agreement is to blame, but I think it is the situation around us.4 I dropped by the corner store to buy some groceries, and I saw it had only half the amount of goods as in the past, and that it didn’t get any new deliveries. I wanted to buy some sardines. �ey said they didn’t have any and wouldn’t be ge�ing any. �ey said all of them were now being allocated for the army. I returned home only to hear that Nenad’s driver had called to say that Margita had a li�le baby daughter this morning. I was very excited and immediately went to prepare the present for the baby in the traditional way. I butchered a chicken, 3

4

Also known as the Westwall, the Siegfried Line was a defensive line built by Hitler during the late 1930s along Germany’s western border from the Netherlands all the way south to Switzerland. Despite Natalija’s entry here, there were certainly no major ba�les along Siegfried’s Line until a�er the Normandy invasion in the spring of 1944. Here Natalija is referring to the Sporazum, or Agreement, signed on August 20, 1939 between Croat leader Vladko Maček and Prime Minister Dragiša Cvetković. Although the Agreement, which granted Croatia extensive autonomy, was far from perfect, it was an important �rst step, and Natalija, who had always been in favor of a federal structure for Yugoslavia, clearly supported it.

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made rice pudding, prepared a liter of wine, a bouquet of red carnations, some cake, and a few branches from our plum tree full of fruit. I carried this over to their house. �ey all seemed to be doing �ne. Margita looked beautiful, and the li�le baby was sleeping in bed like a doll with black hair about a centimeter long. Margita went into labor last night and she gave birth this morning. �ank God everything turned out well. My Nenad is a happy father, and I am happy for them. Watching them I remembered my happy days of the past when I gave birth to him. God please keep them all alive and happy and together for me. Nenad drove us home, and I stayed up to mend the clothes of Mila’s two young children. �ey keep asking me to take them to see the baby. We will take them one day when I �nd the time and when Margita recovers. I immediately called Vera and told her I was there; she will go in the a�ernoon. A�er lunch I didn’t go anywhere. I rested my legs and I wrote to my sister Juca. I am si�ing and thinking about the things that await us this fall, but I have a feeling everything might be all right. Yesterday morning Mila, Sergej, and the children went with me to the cemetery. We sat next to George’s grave for a long time. Oh, my George, where are you now to see what’s going on? September 8, 1939

We mashed plums for preserves yesterday. We started cooking at ten o’clock in the morning, and we only got the jars done at nine o’clock last night. Around �ve o’clock Danko and Vera came. Vera was very excited and said that her father says the situation is difficult and that war is certain. He heard that at the session of the Parliament from the brother of the army minister, who also said that the Poles would be retreating towards Romania through Serbia, and that there would be a defense line all the way to Vojvodina in eastern Serbia. I don’t want to think about that now. What God has intended for us all, may that happen to us as well. September 11, 1939

Around three o’clock yesterday we went to see Nenad and Margita. �e li�le baby girl is very sweet. I gave her a present, a golden bracelet with her date of birth engraved in it. Nenad was supposed to go to Arandjelovac with us, but they didn’t want to go, so only Dragan’s son Jova came with us. We reached Juca’s house around six o’clock. She is ready to take us all in if necessary, but as far as I can see this anxiety and fear won’t amount to anything. May dear God make this world wiser. 430

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Jova’s nephew Duško arrived from Bosnia around noon today. He had lunch with us and stayed until six in the a�ernoon. We talked about everything, but mostly about the Agreement with the Croats. I tried to persuade him that the Croats need it as much as we do, and that the people must be told about it. If only we should be so lucky as to see all the Balkan peoples �nd an agreement and enter a single federal community, thereby creating one big world power. September 12, 1939

We still don’t know anything about the war. Everything is ready. Life in Belgrade is proceeding as normal. Mila didn’t have time to see the li�le baby yet, and neither did Milica. Now they can’t go to see her because Olga is sick. September 13, 1939

Today I dusted all the rooms, carried everything outside to air in the sun, changed the sheets, and washed everything I took off the beds, so that I won’t have anything dirty. I will �nish tomorrow. Nothing is yet certain about the war. We are ge�ing contradictory news— Germans are saying one thing, Poles another. Will God protect us from this evil? I don’t know where to go. I don’t want to be separated from Mirko, because he and Milica are what tie me to this world. All the rest of them have their own lives and don’t need me anymore. September 18, 1939

Monday. I spent yesterday in bed. I have a headache, a cold, I am coughing, and I can’t open my eyes. Nobody called or came to see whether I needed any help except Mila, who has more work to do than she can handle. Last night was pre�y bad; this morning I got up and gave Mila a pot for the milk, because the children are still asleep. �e Romanian Queen Jelisaveta died from a head cold when she was my age; perhaps that can happen to me too, but I don’t care, because nobody will be sorry for me. Perhaps once I’m gone they will feel what they had, but now none of my six children knows how lonely I am. Nobody shares my life with me any longer, nor tells me anything nor asks me about anything, nor do they show in any way that I am entitled to decide anything in their lives. �at’s probably because I raised them sel�essly and taught them to love their friends more than anything in life. �e situation in Europe is growing ever more complicated. �e Russians have also entered Poland. If only we could be so lucky that they would come here, 431

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so that all Slavs could be united in one state as in the United States of America.5 I will stay among these four walls to wait for my fate, come what may. If only Milica and Mirko were �nancially independent, but what can I do? Milica has picked her life companion. �ey have been in love for four years already. Her happiness is the most important thing to me, but I am worried about whether they will stay happy until the end of their lives. People don’t like the fact that he is a Jew, but I don’t care as long as he is a good boy. He doesn’t have a mother, only a father and a stepmother in Sarajevo, and a sister called Erna.6 It’s been raining since yesterday. If only the fall had been more rainy, Poland would not have collapsed so quickly. �e mud would have stopped German tanks. Mila received the St. Sava medal for dedicated service. She will get 250 dinars for that. But it would have been be�er if they had given her the salary raise to which she is legally entitled. She has already lost out by having a regular salary with no bene�ts just because she’s married.7 I no longer have my manservant. �at was hard for me before, but now I simply can’t deal without him. I made a mistake by le�ing my maid Ana go. She was a good girl, but she got a wire asking her to come because her mother was ill. I think she was lying, but the Slovaks are afraid of war. A number of girls le� based on such wires. Other people wouldn’t have let her go without �nding a replacement. Or they would have deducted 15 days from her salary, so that at least she would get in touch and let me know her plans. I forgot I had cleaned the lice from her head and washed her hair many times, something, she said, not even her mother did for her. September 19, 1939

Tuesday. I felt very bad yesterday a�ernoon. Milica took Olga to school and I stayed in bed. Nobody came to visit; I am really bored. �e weather was like July in the morning. Clouds are gathering now, it will rain. I can’t wait to get out of bed, 5

6

7

It is hard to tell whether Natalija is being sarcastic here or hopelessly naïve. Certainly, she must have understood that Russia’s entry into Poland was really an invasion, and there is no evidence that she harbored any illusions about Russian or Soviet intentions. On the other hand, she certainly did have certain pan-Slavic sentiments. Milica’s �ancé, Jakov Papo, was a Jew from Sarajevo, where his father was a locksmith. She met him there on a visit to her sister, Mila, who lived there for a short while a�er she got married. In fact, Milica was with Jakov on that trip to the seaside that so incensed her mother in one of her le�ers. Jakov later came to Belgrade to study law at the university, where Milica was by then a student at the School of Architecture. According to the Serbian Civil Code, married women had the same legal status as minors and so received no bene�ts from their employer.

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I have a lot to do. I have to go to the tax administration and to Ovča to see about my land. I don’t know whether Ana will come back, or whether I should look for another girl? Dragan and Vera didn’t call either, at least the son could ask how his mother is doing. But that’s �ne; they will also be old. September 20, 1939

Wednesday. Danko called today around ten o’clock. He says he had a meeting all day until midnight yesterday because of the situation in the world. He only now managed to call to ask how I was doing. Bisa came around ten and we asked her to stay for lunch.8 A�er lunch, since it was a beautiful day, she persuaded me to go outside. I listened to her, but regre�ed it this evening. I was feeling sick all the time and worn-out, and I felt a li�le bit dizzy. September 24, 1939

Sunday. Yesterday a�ernoon my neighbor brought me an appeal directed at the Yugoslav people in these difficult times. He is a communist, and I don’t share his beliefs because I support private property. Although I don’t have anything, I still cannot accept the idea of me working so that somebody else can enjoy himself. I knew a lot of “comrades”, some of whom were my colleagues, others in other vocations, who were communists, but who used everything they could in the ruling regimes. Lack of honesty disgusts me in general. Vera came last night and I let her read the appeal aloud, because I was in bed with my head wrapped. Mirko le� immediately and told me to call the doctor at all costs. I promised him I would, but I didn’t want to waste 60 dinars in these difficult times and in the end didn’t call him. When we read the appeal to the end, we were shocked by the facts accusing the English government today and before. All the facts are accurate. And indeed, we are the only clever ones to stay away from the Soviets, while the Allies are using us. Danko asked me to give him the appeal to show to the priest, but it’s already midnight and he still hasn’t brought it back to me. I’m worried he might get hurt although he is innocent. Still, everything that’s mentioned there is true, including the death of the king of Belgium and of other prominent statesmen around the world.9 8 9

Bisa is Natalija’s cousin—the daughter of her Aunt Krstina with whom she stayed when she was a young student in Belgrade. In the nearly two years between the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact of August 1939 and Hitler’s invasion of the Soviet Union on June 22, 1941, the Soviet Union sent out countless declarations and documents exposing the political sins of the Western world and especially laying the blame for the Second World War on Britain’s doorstep. What

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Dragan and Vera came a�er that. �ey stayed here until eight o’clock. We only talked about the present-day situation and decided to dig trenches in the yard. September 25, 1939

Monday. I woke up in the middle of the night and remembered the instructions in the newspaper about air defense. �ey state very openly that we should leave Belgrade if we can when the mobilization begins. I have been tossing and turning in bed since then, thinking about Mila and the children. She is in the worst position. Vera and Margita can leave with their children whenever they feel like it, but she can’t. I will suggest to her tomorrow that I could take the children to my sister, Juca, and enroll them in school there. Mirko would come a�erwards. �e other three should move in here, it’s more convenient. I will now try to fall asleep if I can. Dear God, please try to bring this world to its senses! September 26, 1939

I went to the market and bought a pair of shoes and some warm underpants and some other necessary things for Olga. On the way, I met a neighbor and we talked about the situation. He told me it was still too early for me to take the children to Arandjelovac. He says if Yugoslavia should be dragged into war (we won’t go to war voluntarily) it won’t be before spring. �at encouraged me a li�le bit, whereas I had completely lost my nerve this morning. October 8, 1939

It rained all day today. Vera sent Jova and Divna over and we had lunch at Mila’s place. She also came a�er lunch, and Danko, Vera, and Dragan came around six. �ey all had dinner at Mila’s. Vera said they will all gather one day to take me around the new cafes in town. My heart is full when I see them like this, happy and ge�ing along. I miss Margita, Nenad, and their family. Danko and Vera went to see them. Margita isn’t doing well because of some cheese she ate. �ey brought me a new coat. �is is my �rst new coat since George’s death. I have been wearing my old one for eight years. �ey had this made for me; it cost them about 700 dinars. seems peculiar about this particular expose is that it includes in its litany of British crimes the death of the king of Belgium, who officially died in a climbing accident in 1934. At the time, however, there were rumors (which have recently been revived) that he was, in fact, murdered. �e murder was always a�ributed to either an abandoned mistress or jealous husband, never, except in this bizarre case, to a British conspiracy. It is perhaps unsurprising that Vera and Danko should be the ones to introduce this document to Natalija’s family, since, despite her family’s wealth, they were both quite pro-communist before the war. Even so, they weren’t communists per se. Danko had voted for Maček’s Croat Peasant Party, a position which was considered practically traitorous within Serbia.

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October 12, 1939

Around six o’clock Mirko went to town. I asked him to at least spend some time with me in the evenings so that I don’t have to be alone so much but he didn’t want to stay. He said he would be back soon. My donkey, I know what his “soon” means. I sit alone by the table for hours on end, knit, and think about my past. God, how quickly my life has gone by, how li�le do these children know. When a person �nds out about the essence and the meaning of life, life is already over. �is evening I remembered so clearly my life in Vranje. �at garden, that house in the yard, the summer kitchen, the shu�ers on the window facing the street, even that latch the children hated so much because it didn’t allow them to even peek onto the street. At the gate I saw Jova, my sweet and good Jova, who was coming back from the office in that semi-winter coat he bought in Vienna, when he went to get iron material for the bridges on the Morava River. I liked everybody in the small town looking at him with interest and admiration. When our daddy appeared, my li�le Gypsies and I rushed towards him and ruffled his hair, hugging and kissing him, and he melted from pleasure. He always brought something to please us. My children don’t even know what kind of father they had and what kind of man he was. He was never calculating or interested in pro�t, only in creation and work. He was happy whenever he created something and gave it to his people. He loved simple and honest people more than a hundred airheads. I can see images of both the past and the present at the same time. How much I love my children. I would like my children never to turn off the path that their father walked on so that they can always be hardworking and honest. We spent a lot on newspapers today. Events go by quickly. Nobody knows what else might happen and what we will endure. �e white Russian bear has already reached Mount Tatra, and it seems that he is going to roar at Europe, whose actions are starting to stink. It’s only hard to believe that the bear will bring anything new and be�er. People will be people—bad no ma�er how you look at them; they eat others so that they won’t be eaten. �e stronger ones win; that’s well known. October 28, 1939

Last night I went to the cinema where I saw a nice Spanish movie, but in the middle of the movie I started to bleed from the lungs and thus went straight home a�er it was over. Last night I also felt bad. I spent all day today working at the house. I am now also cooking for Mila. Bisa came in the a�ernoon, and we went to the cinema in the rain and saw “Blokada.” �e horrors of the Spanish Civil War— that’s what’s ahead of us. 435

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October 29, 1939

Sunday. On Friday I went to the cinema with Vera and Dragan. I didn’t go anywhere yesterday; I was alone all a�ernoon. Today I will have lunch with Nenad, Danko will take me. Vera and the children will come to Mila’s place. Last night I had bad dreams. I don’t know what the future holds, but I have to deal with problems every day. �e roof is leaking, and the �oors are ro�en, I have to pay taxes next month. I am tired of this life and of everything in general. November 5, 1939

Sunday. I wondered what was going to happen and something did. When I was having lunch at Nenad’s place he hinted at something about Milica and I made him tell me the rest. He didn’t want to tell me in front of Margita, but she soon realized he had told me and got very angry, because they had made him swear not to tell me. He told me that either Milica lost from her pocket or someone stole, which I �nd more likely, 8,000 dinars that belong to her company. She wanted to kill herself and didn’t know what to do, so she went to see Danko’s Vera, who offered her their 8,000 dinars. May I be struck by lightning! I don’t know why I didn’t have a stroke a�er hearing that. I was angry that Danko and Vera gave away their money without telling me. Why do they want to protect me? �e following morning I asked Milica about it and she turned pale as death. I asked her how it happened. She immediately explained that on that damned day another accountant gave her 8,000 dinars, of which they had to give 6,000 to the medical fund. He gave it to her in the association room, where there were many students, members of the association, all of whom saw her put it into her pocket. “Why didn’t you put it in your bag?” I asked her. “Because I put my bag down everywhere and was afraid somebody might take it out of my bag,” she replied. Since she couldn’t immediately �nd the person she was supposed to give it to, she took it with her when she went with two of her colleagues to the railway station to collect some suitcases that students had brought back from Bulgaria. When she came back from the university and again wanted to hand the money over to that person, she discovered it wasn’t there. She didn’t report it to the police or inform the dean immediately. I believe the money was taken out of her pocket while she was still at the university. I have a lot of debt as it is, but this crushed me completely.

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November 9, 1939

�ursday. I turned 59. My two doves came early this morning to wish me a happy birthday. Olga brought me six small handkerchiefs and Nataša, a bag of candy. �ey bought it with their own money. Of course they ate all the candy themselves. A�er lunch Dragan also came with his children. Mila reminded him this morning at the office. My oldest son, he used to remember it himself. Years go by and suddenly you realize that your life has rushed by like a dream. �e newspapers are writing about an assassination a�empt on Hitler. �ey blame Great Britain for it.10 Now real trouble will start. May God protect us. Belgium and Holland are next. Please God make them leave the Balkans alone. We have had our share of war already. th

November 15, 1939

On Sunday, the 13 of this month, at eleven o’clock, we baptized Nenad’s daughter. She got the name of Nenad’s wife’s mother—Evgenija. Poor Evgenija, I still remember what she looked like during the occupation in WWI.11 Everything would be different if she were alive. �e baptism ceremony was nice. Our family and Margita’s family was there, as were Nenad’s two friends, his best men. Djoka [Nenad’s older son] made a li�le scene and started to cry, and that made Nenad lose control. Margita should have taken Djoka out and calmed him down but she didn’t. In the end, Nenad got up and took him away. Margita’s family thought he would beat him and got nervous, since they all pamper him. Margita scolded Nenad in the toilet where he took Djoka. I also went with them. �e kind of things she told him! “You get drunk and then forget what you’re doing,” etc. How that will affect her milk—and what about him? Her family pampered her too much, which is why she turned out this way. She only thinks of herself. Won’t Nenad suffer from all that stress? Besides, the child is a re�ection of the mother. He is with her all day and she should have taught him how to behave. I collected all 10

11

On November 8, 1939, Georg Elser, a German cabinet-maker, opposed to Hitler because of his anti-labor and extremist policies, constructed and concealed a bomb in the pillar of a hall where Hitler was scheduled to speak. Hitler did speak that evening, and the bomb exploded exactly according to plan, but Hitler had already �nished his speech and le� the hall thirteen minutes earlier. In the explosion, eight people were killed and sixty-three injured, including some high-ranking Nazis. Elser was arrested by chance crossing the Swiss border, eventually connected to the explosion, and executed. Although Nazi security claimed a British conspiracy was behind the a�empt, all evidence suggests Elser was working alone. Margita’s family was from Vranje. Natalija knew her mother, Evgenija Mikić, from their days together during the First World War.

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the children and we went with Margita’s sisters, Seka and Branka, for a ride. Djoka said, “Mum says it’s not my fault.” “Is this the way to raise children, to tell him it’s not his fault when it is?” Seka said. Branka said they always go through the same ordeal with Djoka when they go to visit them and when they come to see them. �ey are all very nervous. It won’t be good if the nervousness rubs off on Nenad as well, because he has a wonderful nature and temper. �ese are all minor things; I won’t worry about it. Mila isn’t raising Olga much be�er either, nor are Danko and Vera raising their children be�er. �ey will all suffer when their children grow up. I showed them what I knew, and brought them on the right path, making people out of them, now the ball is in their court. �eir children are their worry, not mine. �e situation in Europe is more and more complicated, and the Croats are causing more and more problems in our country. Crows have eaten our brains. When a foreign ruler comes, he will make us wise. We don’t hear from my sister Juca at all. She found her peace and sorted out her life, and she’s right. It’s her right to be satis�ed for once in her life. She doesn’t show much interest in the rest of us, but they don’t deserve it either, because they hardly ever remember her. But she could remember me from time to time. I guess she no longer needs me. I would like to be dead now as well, if only I could die peacefully and without pain. Nobody even remembers to ask me how I am doing if I don’t remember to ask them. November 21, 1939

�e Croatian leader Maček was in Niš at Dragan Cvetković’s celebration of his slava.12 �e Serbian Orthodox Patriarch in Vukovar consecrated church bells and visited the Franciscan monastery and the Jewish synagogue. May all of them realize once and for all that religion should not divide people in this world. I read that the Czechs and the Poles have formed communities in exile. Now they only need the Slovaks to join them. Serves them right. �ey argued, so a third party came and conquered them and now they’ve found a common language. If only the Serbs and the Croats, and even the Slovenes, had learned a lesson from that. 12

Maček and Cvetković are the two politicians who signed the Sporazum, or Agreement. Maček, the Croatian leader, a�ending Cvetković’s slava was another sign of their a�empt to resolve the Croat-Serb con�ict that had marred Yugoslavia’s existence.

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I wrote another card to my sister Juca and told her this will be my last card if she doesn’t reply and show some interest in us. If she doesn’t care about anybody at all, why should I inquire about her? �ank God she is secure �nancially and has found her peace. Why should she allow us to disturb her peace? Juca inherited her husband’s pension when he died, and that’s the only good thing she got from him. She deserves to have a peaceful and �nancially secure old age at least. November 25, 1939

I received a longer le�er from Juca. �e important thing is that she is doing well, which is as much as can be expected at our age. I was all ready to go there to see what was wrong with her. May 20, 1940

We had six months of suffering because of Mila’s illness. �at’s the reason I didn’t write. She was sick from St. Nicholas’ Day until Christmas—we thought it was a �u, laryngitis, pharyngitis, heart disease. Finally on Epiphany [January 19] she fell into bed. A�er months of looking for the right diagnosis, she went to the clinic on March 8th. She shared a room there for four days with three other women. �en her condition became worse and a woman lying next to her died. On April 12 at eleven o’clock we took her to the sanatorium and the doctors set up a treatment regimen. She stayed there until the 25th and then came to my house, where she stayed until May 1. A�er that, we moved her back to her own house. She was mostly in bed when she was at my house. As soon as she got up and stopped taking iodine, her pulse jumped back to 130. In the end, they decided she should have surgery because she was suffering from a thyroid condition. �ey will remove the whole gland. On Monday, with God’s help, she will have an examination, followed by surgery if nothing happens abroad or in our country.13 May 21, 1940

�e surgeon is not in favor of the operation. He says we should wait until her pulse calms down because of a possible reaction. 13

Mila apparently suffered from hyperthyroidism, which occurs when the thyroid gland produces too much of the thyroid hormone. In Mila’s case, the condition was caused by an autoimune disease called Grave’s Disease (or, in Europe, Basedow Disease). �e disease is much more common in women, especially just before or a�er pregnancy. Symptoms include weight loss, fatigue, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, visual problems, and sometimes a goiter. Mila had no goiter. Although hyperthyroidism is today most commonly treated with radioiodine treatment and drug therapy, in the past thyroidectomies were more frequently performed.

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Mila’s daughters, Olga and Nata�a O�mjanski, in Belgrade, 1939.

May 23, 1940

Around nine o’clock this morning Danko came and he and Sergej took Mila to the clinic. My heart broke when I saw her say good-bye to the children. I restrained myself and burst into tears only a�er she le�. My li�le girls and I stood in front of the icon lamp and prayed to God to keep their mummy alive. We called the doctor in the evening because of Olga—he said she had an appendix a�ack. If only we could protect her from complications. I am worn out and weak, but I don’t even think about myself. Danko again upset me last night. He says I have caused all this: “You panicking woman.” He thinks I cry in front of her. May God forgive him for torturing my poor and tired soul in this way. May 24, 1940

�is morning we took Olga to the hospital to see what’s going on. I didn’t stop or sit down from four-thirty in the morning until three o’clock in the a�ernoon. I made pies for Mila and Sergej took a whole box to her. I looked a�er Olga all 440

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Natalija with Mila’s daughters Olga and Nata�a, in Belgrade, 1940.

day. Nenad asked how we were doing, but nobody else even called. If only they remembered to drop by and cheer me up. Everybody thinks only of themselves. I am surprised I can still keep going. June 15, 1940

Mila had surgery. It lasted from one until three-thirty and it was very difficult. �ey moved her to a separate room. She had a high fever for the �rst three days a�erwards and I didn’t think that she would pull through. By the time Natalija resumed writing, Hitler had conquered not only Poland, but Denmark, Norway, the Netherlands, Belgium, and France. �e Soviet Union, in the meantime, had annexed the three Baltic states (Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania), as well as the formerly Romanian province of Bessarabia—all in accordance with the terms of the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact. Mussolini’s wartime activities had been somewhat less successful. In an effort to prove himself to Hitler, he had invaded Greece in the fall of 1940 but immediately got bogged down. It was this inconvenient reality that forced Hitler to become militarily involved in the Balkan Peninsula, something he had not originally planned to do. 441

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January 26, 1941

In the morning, the maid and I cleaned Mirko’s apartment. He has moved away and has his own bachelor’s pad, but I have to clean and do his laundry because nobody else can. It’s more difficult for me to do that now because I have to go there, but what can I do when he wants to be independent. In the a�ernoon I went to the meeting of the Oganj Cremation Society, and then to the cinema. January 29, 1941

At eleven in the morning I le� for Arandjelovac and at three o’clock I arrived at my sister Juca’s place. On Friday I arrived in Belgrade in the rain. At all the stations, I was under the impression that mobilization is being conducted in secret, and that everybody is ready for combat. February 23, 1941

We woke up to snow. Danko and Vera went to Mount Avala on foot. �ey are both fond of sports and get along well. I wanted to take a bus to meet them there, but I missed it. I walked to the customs booth on foot and a peasant woman on a two-wheeled carriage caught up with me. I asked her how far she was going, and she replied she was going all the way to Pinosava below Avala. “Can you give me a li� to the café?” I asked, “I’ll pay you.” She said, “Gladly, if it’s not too difficult for you,” so I took a seat next to her. I had a very pleasant time. I haven’t been riding in a two-wheeled carriage since I was a teacher in Topola. We talked. Her name is Desa. She was born in Resnik and has a brother who is an engineer. Her parents are wealthy, but she eloped to marry a poor man in Pinosava. �ey both work, and her mother-in-law looks a�er the children and is happy. She is sad because her husband has been called up for maneuvers, and he hasn’t come back (clearly secret general mobilization). At the café, I waited for Vera and Danko, and we slowly climbed up Avala. I met a friend up there and we reminisced about the days of the past. When I was going back, I got caught in the rain and barely made it home by seven o’clock. March 1, 1941

�e weather is nice. Members of the Oganj Cremation Society are all worried about the happenings in Europe.

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March 15, 1941

When I returned from Arandjelovac, I called an officer friend on the phone and told him about the things I’d seen on the way, and asked him, “What do you officers think?” I noticed people dancing and our soldiers singing at every railway station I went through. �ey were all shouting that they don’t want a pact with Hitler but war.14 March 21, 1941

We had frost all the time until today. A pact will be signed. We are all against it. What are the Russians going to say? March 27, 1941 �e greatest day in the history of my people. One had to be there to see and hear it. We were standing in a group at the Main Square when our soldiers were passing by in tanks, and a Slovene man behind me said, “I knew and heard about the Serbs, but I never dreamt they were capable of all this. May God help us.” I watched people’s demonstrations with a friend. Mila and Sergej went to the boulevard with the children in the a�ernoon to watch the people marching.15 March 30, 1941

It’s raining. �e people are nervous. Many are �eeing Belgrade. For the time being, we are not going anywhere. April 4, 1941

�ey are trying out blackouts and alarm systems. 14

15

Natalija here is referring to the Tripartite Pact, a military alliance �rst signed between Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini, and Saburo Kurusu of Imperial Japan on September 27, 1940. Later, the three Axis Powers persuaded other smaller European nations to join the Pact. Hungary and Romania joined in November 1940 and Bulgaria signed the Pact on March 1, 1941. By that time, Yugoslavia was also under enormous pressure from Germany to sign the Pact. Germany offered the Yugoslav government an a�ractive deal, allowing it to remain neutral in the war and allow only the passage of German supplies—not troops—through Yugoslav territory to aid Mussolini in Greece. Nonetheless, the Yugoslav government, headed by the Anglophile Regent Prince Paul, as well as the Yugoslav public, strongly opposed the Pact. �e famous slogan in opposition to it was “Bolje Rat nego Pakt,” meaning “Better War than the Pact.” Even so, in the absence of any tangible support from the Western Allies, the government eventually decided that it had no other choice and on March 25, 1941, signed the Tripartite Pact. On March 27, in response to the signing of the Tripartite Pact, Regent Prince Paul’s government was overthrown by a military coup in support of Prince Peter II, who was within a few months of his eighteenth birthday. �e coup was accompanied by massive public demonstrations against the Tripartite Pact. However, the new regime under King Peter II quickly realized how limited its options were and, within a few days of taking power, announced that it accepted all of the previous regime’s obligations, including adherence to the Pact. It was an option, however, that was no longer open to them. Hitler was, by now, determined to destroy Yugoslavia.

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April 5, 1941

We wanted to go to the cinema but there were people running down the street. We saw many familiar faces in uniforms. Everybody is going to their unit. Mila’s Sergej went to register as well, but they didn’t want to take him because of his eyes; he wears glasses with lenses of minus 12.16 We went to the pharmacy and I bought various medications and other medical emergency supplies. �e alarms are sounding. �e trams have come to a halt. Something is in the air and we hurried home on foot. April 6, 1941

�e worst day. Palm Sunday. German dive bombers destroyed Belgrade. Mila and the children hid in the basement, and I put a wide kitchen pan on my head to protect myself and walked around in the yard watching where the planes were going and what they were bombing. A lot of people from the neighborhood gathered in my yard a�er the bombing. In the a�ernoon Milica’s �ancé, Jakov, and Jova’s nephew, Bogdan, le� for Niš, looking for their units. My sons all went to Rakovica, a suburb of Belgrade, to stay with my old friend Olga Pavić. I went a�er them on foot and le� the house open and full of people. I wandered through Rakovica all night looking for Mirko on his motorcycle. I found Mirko at dawn and returned home. Along the way I watched Belgrade burning. I cried for our beautiful city. April 8, 1941

My Milica went to Sarajevo in this snow. I cried all night. She didn’t want to listen to me and stay. Danko went to Rakovica and back; he took some food to them. I am in my house. April 9, 1941

Around noon Danko and Dragan came by car. Danko gave me some money and the key to their house. We kissed each other and he went to collect Vera. �ey le� and Dragan went to Rakovica. Later, Nenad came and talked about terrible things happening in Dalmatia. Poor Yugoslavia. In 1920, George and I predicted all of this for those up there and all the countries around them. I feel sorry for my people and my country, but this is everybody’s fault. Had we established a federation, this would not have happened. 16

In fact, all of Natalija’s sons were rejected by the military due to their poor eyesight. As a result, they all spent the Second World War under German occupation in Belgrade.

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April 10, 1941

Mirko came and stayed with me. Sergej went back to Rakovica. April 11, 1941

Horror all over Belgrade. In the morning, Dragan and Sergej came. April 12, 1941

Mirko and I are alone, we are not going anywhere, and nobody came to see us. �e Germans entered the city! April 13, 1941

Sunshine. Around nine o’clock I saw the �rst units when I went to check on Danko’s house. Mila and Sergej have come back with the children. April 15, 1941

I went over to Danko’s house, and a�er that to see Margita. I bought �rewood. April 23, 1941

We got news from Arandjelovac that my sister Juca is dying. I went there and met Danko who had come back all the way from the Montenegrin coast because the roads are blocked there. Vera and a Slovenian man were with him and they drove to Belgrade by car. Juca is feeling be�er, so I returned to Belgrade in a delivery truck. May 8, 1941

I returned to Mladenovac by train and then took a bus to Belgrade. At the station I saw Mila’s friend. She and her husband are professors in Skoplje. �ey say this won’t last long, because the Communists are organizing.17 May 16, 1941

George’s nephew, Vasa Matić, has been detained in the camp in Dedinje and they wouldn’t let me see him. Vera sent me a parcel for him. Ustashas arrested Jova’s nephew Duško.18 17

18

Although the Communist Party of Yugoslavia did not begin its active opposition to the occupiers until a�er the German invasion of the Soviet Union on June 22, 1941, its members began to organize in preparation for their Partisan resistance movement months earlier. �e Ustasha were Croat fascists now collaborating with Nazi Germany, best known for their extraordinarily brutal and genocidal policies toward the Serbian Orthodox minority in Croatia. According to Mila’s memoir, Duško was shot by the Germans. She may, however, have meant the Ustasha.

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May 27, 1941

I went to Arandjelovac. Juca is doing much be�er. I spent all the time with her and only on 29th went to the cemetery. On the 30th I went to the spa. On the 31st I returned to Belgrade. June 13, 1941

On my way back from the market I met my neighbor, who said, “Did you see? Hitler cut the boil with Russia’s capitulation; he knows what he’s doing.” I looked at him and couldn’t believe my ears, so I just told him: “It’s too early for you to rejoice, neighbor.”19 Neither the mother, nor the stepmother, nor the mother-in-law agreed to take Vasa Matić in, although they all have their own houses and deep pockets, and his house was destroyed in the bombing. I took him in because of my George, who loved him, and because his lungs are still in a poor condition a�er the Germans threw him out of the hospital onto the street. I prepared the side room for him, which has its own hallway. On the 14th, he and his wife and children moved in. June 22, 1941

�e Germans declared war against Russia. Now things will move more quickly, but it seems that this time the Slavs will pay the price. July 18, 1941

Some friends came to get peaches. �ey have family from Valjevo and told me that people are �eeing into the woods and organizing around Draža.20 September 18, 1941

Nenad moved nearer to us. It will be easier for me to visit them and for the children to come here.

19

20

�is conversation is a bit confusing since the Nazi invasion of Russia had not yet begun. �ere were, however, rumors of Hitler’s impending a�ack and perhaps this is what Natalija’s neighbor had in mind. If so, Natalija was obviously correct in saying it was too soon to anticipate the outcome. Draža Mihailović was the Serbian colonel in the interwar Yugoslav army who became the leader of the Chetnik resistance movement. Soon a�er the war’s end, Mihailović was captured, tried for high treason and war crimes, and executed by the new Communist regime. President Truman posthumously awarded him the American Legion of Merit for his part in the wartime rescue of several downed American pilots. Certainly many Serbs still consider him a hero.

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September 27, 1941

I was in bed because I hurt my leg. �e doctor cleaned my injury and dressed it. September 29, 1941

Dragan, Jova, and Margita came to see me. �e doctor was also here because of my leg. Danko was robbed. October 3, 1941

Vera called to say she also was robbed at noon. November 1, 1941

I was at the cemetery. I called the priest to read a sermon and mention all the dead. I lit the candles and sat at the cemetery for a while a�er that alone. November 4, 1941

Danko has malaria. I dusted the house and washed the laundry. I got my pension. November 5, 1941

Last night around ten o’clock two Germans took away our next-door neighbor and relative. November 9, 1941

My birthday. Everybody was here except for my favorite daughter. I am worried about her. Natalija is referring here to Milica and the dangerous situation the family faced as they tried to protect Milica’s Jewish �ancé, Jakov. At the beginning of the war, Jakov and Milica had at �rst come to live with Natalija. Later, when the Germans began persecuting Jews and taking Jewish men off to forced labor, Jakov, his sister Erna, her husband, and daughter �ed north to stay with relatives in the town of Novi Sad, which was under Hungarian occupation and less dangerous for Jews. During Jakov’s crossing of the Danube River, he and �ve other Jewish men were shot at by Germans in a guard tower on the Serbian bank, but they escaped unharmed. �en in January 1942, the Germans raided homes in Novi Sad, rounding up Jews and taking them to the banks of the frozen Danube. �ere they cut 447

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holes in the ice and threw the Jews in, still alive. From his neighboring apartment window, Jakov saw soldiers take away his sister and her family. Later, however, an order apparently came to halt the executions. Jakov was able to �ee with his family further north to Budapest. When Jakov heard that the police were looking for him, he returned to Belgrade by train. Since he had no transit papers, he bought a German uniform and papers and bribed the train conductor to hide him in a sleeping berth. When the train was raided, the conductor kept his word and told the police that Jakov was a German officer who was asleep and not to be disturbed. When he got to Belgrade, he hid at �rst in Mirko’s apartment, but that seemed too dangerous. Later, through Nenad’s boss, the family helped get him a job at a cement factory outside of Belgrade, with a new name and the papers of a man who’d been killed—Milan Andrić. He worked there for about a year, coming into Belgrade only on weekends, until he was arrested by the Germans, who were looking for Communists. �ey held him in a detention camp together with another employee, whom they suspected of being a spy, and demanded that Jakov/Milan denounce fellow employees as Communists. Eventually, Nenad’s boss was able to get him released on the condition that he co-operate by denouncing other employees. He instead �ed to Belgrade where again the family hid him, moving him between Mirko’s apartment and Natalija’s home until the end of the war. A�er the war, he converted to Christianity, legally changed his name to Milan, and married Milica. �ey later had a son, Zoran. Jakov’s sister and her family survived the war in Hungary and later returned to Belgrade. Naturally, there is li�le to nothing of this in Natalija’s diary but for a few very guarded remarks. Everything we know about it comes from Jakov’s recollections, her grandchildren’s memories, and family stories. As in the past, the family pulled together to cope with other difficult, though less dangerous, circumstances during the war as well. Mila lost her job and was sent into forced retirement with a pension of only 100 dinars per month. Her husband Sergej quit his job with the Forestry Ministry so that he wouldn’t have to force peasants to cut trees for the Germans. He was unemployed also for a time, but later worked as a physical laborer in the shipyards with Nenad. O�en the family had to sell household furnishings and jewelry to survive. Natalija grew a garden again and kept numerous small stock animals during this time--pigs, goats, rabbits, chickens, and geese. �ey got both milk and meat from the goats, meat from the pigs (one named Rajka and another named Panic for the bombing), meat from the rabbits, and meat and eggs from the chickens and geese. Natalija and the children took care of the animals and took them to graze and frolic in 448

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nearby parks. According to the grandchildren, slaughtering the animals, especially the bunnies, was o�en rather traumatic for them. As during the First World War, they suffered from shortages of food and clothing; some of the grandchildren recall wearing wooden shoes. More traumatic are the memories of violence. In the early days of the war, the Germans hung civilians from streetlamps, so Natalija was constantly thinking up games to keep the children occupied inside.

November 10–12, 1941

I am not feeling well. �e doctor was here and prescribed peace and quiet and rest. My lungs and heart are all right. November 14, 1941

Wind and blizzard. I am desperate without Milica. Nenad came. I cleared the snow. November 19, 1941

In the morning I made a cake for Nenad’s slava and cakes for me. Nenad and I celebrated George’s slava. I did everything in the room because I don’t want to lie in bed in the kitchen. November 23, 1941

I had lunch at Mila’s place. Dragan, Danko, and Nenad came and talked to Mila about Milica and what should be done. Mirko knows everything. November 27, 1941

I went to Arandjelovac through Mladenovac. Milica saw me off. I was with Juca the entire time so that we could talk. December 6, 1941

Danko, Nenad, Vasa, and Sergej were here yesterday, and we talked about the situation a li�le. Today they all went over to Dragan’s for Christmas Eve, and I stayed at home. December 10, 1941

Today, Milica and I had lunch with Nenad’s family because we needed to arrange something. 449

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January 17, 1942

I fought the snow that was falling all day. I �rst cleaned the path to the gate, then the driveway, then the sidewalk. Nobody remembered to help me. February 4, 1942

I did laundry. Mica came to get �rewood. She and Mirko are in the bachelor’s pad and they don’t have a basement, so we carry the �rewood to them from here. I sold a dining set to Nenad. Some Slovenian man occasionally visits us and buys things at people’s houses. February 10–16, 1942

It was Nenad’s birthday on the 10th, so I was there for lunch. �e children came individually, and Bisa was also there. I worked in the garden, cleaning it and burning the trash. I talked to the children about Milica and J. March 1-10, 1942

I worked in the garden. I spent a whole day with Vera and Dragan and stayed for the night; in the morning Dragan brought me back on the motorcycle. I paid off the remaining 3,000 dinars to the bank. I made soap (half a kilo of sodium carbonate, one kilo of tallow, one kilo of oil) and cleaned the stove and the pipes and in the evening I coughed up blood. March 26, 1942

I was in Topčider yesterday to pick ne�les and violets. I did laundry today before Milica came. I called Danko, he arranged everything for J. May God give him luck. June 20–22, 1942

Dragan and Nenad came with the children. Milica again coughed up blood. Mirko came by car this a�ernoon while he was ge�ing his motorcycle repaired. He fell and sprained his knee.21 I got oil from Danko and 200 dinars from Dragan.

21

Mirko actually ran into a tram with his motorcycle but didn’t dare tell Natalija the truth.

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May 1, 1943

I got my pension. In the morning Milica and I cooked. In the a�ernoonDanko,Vera, Nenad, and Margita came. Later, I made a raincoat for Mirko and went to the market. June 18–20, 1943

I worked in the garden and did laundry. I watched Rajko (the pig) and the geese with Nataša. Mila wants to fa�en them up before slaughtering them. June 27, 1943

Mila celebrated the children’s birthdays. Our entire family was there. Sergej is making wooden toys and sandals for them. July 1–5, 1943

We got a card from my sister Juca. I worked at the house and in the garden and made a blouse for myself. I watched Rajko the pig and the goats with Olga. Nataša got mumps. July 7, 1943

I couldn’t sleep all night from the pain because of my hernia. July 8, 1943

In the morning I watched all our animals with Olga. Milica and Danko came. We now have three goats, a pig, and �ve geese, which Mila wants to fa�en up, and rabbits, which are inside the fence, and a lamb. �ey will all help us feed the children. August 2, 1943

St. Elijah’s Day. I had lunch with Dragan’s family and dinner with Danko’s family. Mirko has been living with us since yesterday. August 20, 1943

I went swimming with the children. A�er lunch I ironed. Nenad and his family were here. August 21-25, 1943

Heat. I took Olga to the entrance exam for the grammar school and then I had lunch with Danko’s family. Mirko is hanging around with that young woman— Olga Šujica. 451

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August 29, 1943

I took Olga to enroll in the grammar school. September 13, 1943

I am still ill, but I did some laundry. Mila went into labor around eleven but nothing happened. She is due soon. We were all against it, but her husband Sergej supported her. September 16, 1943

At seven o’clock in the morning, Mila gave birth to a son. His name will be Mirko. October 3, 1943

Today we baptized our li�le Mirko. �e godfather was Dušan Kalanović. All my children were present and it was nice. October 4, 1943

I sold a wardrobe for 3,000 dinars. I gave 1,500 dinars to Nenad for lard. October 9, 1943

Today my dear son Mirko got married. I never dreamt this might happen. It is a big surprise, even more so a�er Danko made a scene, because he is the only one who thinks this is a tragedy. I haven’t been feeling well ever since Mila’s delivery, but this made me feel so much worse that I had to go to bed. October 10, 1943

I am very worried about Mirko’s wedding. Last night, I bled from the lungs and became hoarse. In the a�ernoon Mirko and his Olga came to see me. I gave her a ring that my sister Juca gave me when she was ill. I believe she would have done it too.22 October 16, 1943

I am feeling very bad, I haven’t slept all night because of my hernia. I need surgery, but I don’t even have enough money to buy bread. My Mirko went into 22

Unfortunately this �rst marriage of Mirko’s did not end well. It is a bit unclear why the young beautiful Olga married him to begin with (according to some in the family she suffered from schizophrenia), but she stayed with him only 20 days and thoroughly broke his heart. He was apparently depressed for quite some time a�erward but eventually returned to his normal optimism. Indeed, Natalija’s grandchildren all describe Mirko as by far the most lively and entertaining of her children—wi�y, sociable, and good natured.

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debt to pay for the wedding. I am hurt because I believe that the Šujicas planned this and used Mirko. October 28, 1943

I went to see Danko. He is the only one who blames Mirko for his marriage, but he doesn’t see he was a victim. I am angry at him for what he says and does. November 4, 1943

I am cleaning the house for Milica and Mirko to move here from the bachelor’s pad. November 9, 1943

I got a birthday present (I’m 63) from Dragan, Nenad, and Danko. During the next ten months, as the situation became increasingly difficult, both in terms of day-to-day survival and Jakov’s safety, Natalija did not write in her diary. She wrote only two diary entries in 1944, both of which re�ect a sense of u�er desperation, even as liberation drew near.

August 18, 1944

I am tired of everything and I don’t know if I’m going to be able to cope much longer. August 20, 1944

I am watching our garden. I am cu�ing down the trees one by one which George and I planted while the children were all still living in the house. Now they are all gone, and George is no longer here, and my life is almost over. I looked at my diaries and saw the dreams I once had. And the children, daughters-in-law, and sons-in-law all just rub against me. �ey come and go, but nobody wants to know how I feel. How I envy an old woman who has a companion. �ese sad occupation days, the pain I feel for all those poor men killing each other now when freedom is near. Everything is difficult. We’ve all been through it and are waiting. We are waiting for Paris and Warsaw to fall. Will freedom ever come? If I live long enough, I will go back to our Vranje again. Are things going to get be�er this time?

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Introduction

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Introduction

Chapter 15.

Twilight

Background

D

uring this six-month gap in Natalija’s diary from August 1944 to January 1945, Serbia was liberated from German occupation thanks to the combined efforts of Tito’s Partisan army and Soviet Red Army forces. �e �nal ba�le for liberation took place on October 20, 1944. In the months leading up to that, however, Belgrade suffered aerial bombing again, this time from American planes, on April 16, 17, 21, and 24; May 18; June 6; July 8; and September 3, 1944. Once again, Natalija was well known for walking around the yard during the bombings with a kitchen pot on her head. At least now, they had use of a bomb shelter they had begun digging in their yard before the war began. �e liberation of Belgrade brought the beginning of Communist rule to Yugoslavia. Although originally a “coalition” government was formed, including members from some prewar parties, it soon became clear that they would have no real voice, and most resigned in protest. And while the government held ostensibly free elections in November 1945, it tolerated no competing parties, making the elections a “one-horse race.” Moreover, while the elections themselves were relatively free and fair, the pre-election campaign certainly was not. Potential opponents of the regime knew that they faced certain discrimination, if not outright imprisonment, should they make their resistance public. Natalija’s diary captures perfectly the gap between the communist ideals— described so fervently in the ubiquitous propaganda declaring the advent of a new people with new values—and the reality under Communist rule of poverty, misery, revenge, hatred, and corruption—in no way be�er than any previous regime. Natalija’s own daily approach to politics was to take a critical stance toward the regime, whatever it might be. In the past she had fought with 455

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her neighbor over the fence, berating the sins of the Serbian centralist government; now she did the same, only focusing her a�acks on the new Communist regime. Within Natalija’s family, life moved on. Danko and Vera had a second child, a daughter, Jovana, born November 7, 1944. Mila went back to work at the Ministry of Construction and in a short time became one of the founders of the Srbija Projekt company. Sergej also returned to forestry work—now most o�en in the �eld—and so was usually out of town except during the winter months. Jakov kept the name he had been given while in hiding, Milan, and married Milica. On February 24, 1946 Milica gave birth to their son, Zoran.

Milica and Milan/Jakov Papo on their wedding day in 1946.

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St. Sava’s Day [January 27], 1945

Great Savior, please save my people and bring them to their senses. For the last three years, I celebrated this day under occupation, but none of them was as difficult as this one I am spending in freedom. We couldn’t expect anything under the enemy except evil. Anything good that happened was like winning a lo�ery, so we put up with it. But now, how hurtful these days are. December 15, 1945

I spent the day with Nenad and Margita. It was pleasant, and if it hadn’t been for the pain in my right arm, I would have stayed all day. I fell about a month ago and hurt my right shoulder and since then I can barely raise my arm. Around four o’clock, I returned home to my nun’s room and made a �re in the stove. I lay down to rest and gazed at the pictures of my loved ones grouped on the wall— my children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and ten grandchildren. I am happy, although anyone who looked into the ruins of my house and this room with the cracked ceiling and buckled �oor would think, “Oh, what a poor woman! Look at the place she lives in, even though she has so many children in high positions!” When I return from visiting them I am happy they are all alive and �nancially secure, thanks to their quali�cations and expertise and nothing else. I lie down on my bed and look at my life—my dear late parents, my sisters, Jova and George, and also at those who are alive, my own children and those who married into the family, then my friends and acquaintances, and I begin to relive my whole life again in enviable happiness and love, and I stay like that for hours talking silently with them, without needing anybody from this world. �is evening I took down a bunch of le�ers from a shelf. Among them, I found the card that my sweet Jova sent to me in Arandjelovac in April 1903 from Kopljari where he was working in the �eld. Oh, my sweet Jova, it’s been 43 years since your hands wrote this, and the le�er is still there as if you had wri�en it yesterday, although half a century has gone by. It took me back to those happy days as if they occurred yesterday. I jumped out of bed and walked up to my altar and looked for your image and your eyes, and the tears just started rolling. My sweetheart, will I soon be able to come to you? �e children are taken care of, and I paid off my debt for the happiness you gave me. Can’t you and George now �nd a way to come to me at least in my dreams and tell me if we are ever going to meet again. I found a le�er George sent in 1926 from Zagreb when Mirko was there in the orthopedic hospital. He described Mirko’s �rst steps with the crutches in the cast and without it. How difficult were those days for us while he was in surgery. �at 457

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time lasted six months. First George I and were there together; then I stayed on and he le�, then vice versa. One of us was always with him, while the other went back to be with the children. Mila, Dragan, and Danko also came. How great you were then, my George, in your love for me and my sick child. When God took my Jova away from me, at least he could have le� me my George until the end so that I could share my happiness and pain with him, rather than being alone. If this night is as hard as last night, it won’t be good. I didn’t sleep from midnight until �ve in the morning, tossing and turning all the time from pain. How many feelings and events I still need to write down. �e people I knew for decades I can’t recognize anymore. �ey have changed both physically and mentally. People change their principles and opinions overnight. It’s unbelievable. But life stays the same and everything runs as it should. Ideas and regimes change completely but people stay people—or rather, non-people. January 20, 1946

I remember my good Jova on his birthday and name day. I lived through the second occupation alone. �e children are all in their own nests. We �nally have the freedom we dreamt about 40 years ago. A new time has come and brought with it new ideas which spread around the world. But the implementation of those ideas isn’t exactly as it was originally planned. �e world needs a new man, but how and where can he be found? It seems that the new ones are even worse. �ey now have no tears and no mercy. Is it that same man who drags his neighbor through the mud until they both drown in it? Today’s youth don’t believe in ideals as we used to, but they also don’t have a clue how bi�er and painful disappointment can be. When Jova died, I thought disappointment had killed him as well. He lay in bed with a compress on his head, which he threw off and shouted, “Long live the republic!” I was depressed because of poverty and the events in Vranje during the occupation, as well as the things that were going on internationally. �en, in addition to all that, I lost my Jova. I believed that the freedom of my people and my country would make those whom we lost something like gods on Mount Olympus at whom we would direct our gaze when we were rebuilding our country. But life turned out differently. I met a man who shared my views and ideals, but who had by mistake go�eninto a profession the whole world despises. We joined our forces to build new people and put the pain and suffering of the past 50 years behind us. We prepared the 458

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children for life and work, even our poor li�le Mirko. We didn’t accept anybody’s help, but worked to survive and to make our children stand on their own feet. We refused the offers of the Vranje and the Podrinje district who, out of respect for Jova, offered scholarships to his sons. No, we said, give it to orphans, whose fathers and mothers were killed in war. Our children gave private lessons. Our �rstborn made advertisements for movies and newspapers and brought money home to help our poor pensions. We didn’t have them work full time in addition to school, because they studied technical sciences, and in order to be excellent students they couldn’t work full time. With the help of my good George, who deserved a bishop’s chair instead of his job at the police, I brought my children on their paths, and Mirko and Milica were only way half-way through school when he died. George also died, tired of everything they did to him because of his honesty. If Providence helps me live, I will also see them �nish school. I lit the icon lamp in front of Jova’s and George’s pictures, I don’t want them to feel my pain. Let them wait for me in peace until my duty here is done. January 21, 1946

�e other day “Krcun” said, “If this continues, and 200 years from now we are still in war, people will turn into oxen. I want Western culture; I don’t want the East to drag us to the bo�om of the civilized world.”1 April 28, 1946

Life has changed completely. It seemed that at least the younger generations would go down a new path. �at may be true if you talk to two or three of them, but as soon as you are alone with them, they start to criticize, protest, threaten, in a word, to express dissatisfaction. �e world has been deceived, or it has been deceiving itself, waiting for something that doesn’t exist in life, nor will ever exist: “mix and let dry.” We were either short-sighted or stupid when we didn’t see what was being created behind the pretext of revolution, which took away its best sons and daughters. I think we, the Balkan people, must hold the record for that; in addition, all religious and tribal animosities that were dormant during the occupation and difficult times have now resurfaced, although everybody says the state is united and compact. 1

It is simply impossible to credit these words to the infamous Slobodan Penezić Krcun—the head of the Communist secret police and the World War II Partisan general who captured Draža Mihailović. Because Natalija placed the name in quotation marks, we can assume she is quoting a personal acquaintance whose nickname is Krcun.

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My pain at seeing all this happening in my country is great. Today I sat barefoot all morning while I waited for my socks to dry a�er washing them, so that I can wear them tomorrow. Everything is worn-out. I am naked as a ri�e. I asked for coupons so many times and didn’t get anything all year, although I never refused to give whenever they asked me. I will not ask again. Hopefully the day will come when I will be able to buy everything freely. �e masses seem to be satis�ed in this respect. At least those who are close to people in high positions have everything. At least someone is satis�ed. Most of our women remained women in their heritage and equality. For a pair of silk stockings all ideas �y out the window. �e celebration of May 1 is being prepared everywhere. I remember when I was a girl 55 years ago I didn’t sleep all night before May 1 so that they wouldn’t leave me at home when they le� at three in the morning for the �rst light. Everybody in Arandjelovac got up, both young and old, and walked quickly to wait for dawn at a beautiful place outside of town. Everybody sat down and rested and, when daylight came, they had “caught May.” Love and youth went hand in hand at the time. True, we didn’t compete with each other as much as they do today, but we always knew why we were alive. I even think we knew more speci�cally than young people know today. If I only had enough time to write down everything that’s going on, it would be clear how much wickedness and lies there are in this world regardless of where you turn. And when I see people are lying to protect themselves and their families from all the evil in this revolution, I pray that they be forgiven. When I see people lying and playing with the lives of their loved ones only to make some pro�t, I rebel and act like a revolutionary, although I love only peace and justice. I understand that new ideas are coming and replacing old ones, but may love and mercy remain, so that life will be worth living for those who come a�er us. December 13, 1946

I went to see Milica early this morning. She passed the exam in concrete construction yesterday. January 7, 1948

I spent New Year’s Eve with Milica. I promised I would come so that they could go to their labor union to celebrate. While they were ge�ing ready, Milan and Milica had an argument. �at’s the second time they have argued in front of me. It hurt me and I haven’t been able to sleep all night because of it. Milica chose him and married him, although I was always skeptical about that marriage in my 460

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heart. I didn’t like his character, and a�er I got to know him, he became more and more mysterious. I justi�ed it by the fact that he was a single child who had lost his mother early on. When I started to believe in their deep love for each other, everything else was secondary. She was happy and that was enough. But a�er they were married, and to this day I keep asking myself whether she is truly happy, or whether she is too proud to admit otherwise. �ere are many other small details, but I have been hurt by their relationship three times already. First, when he yelled at her in the presence of Mirko’s three colleagues and called her crazy. She didn’t say anything. �e people looked at each other; I went out into the kitchen and then le�. I didn’t drop by for a long time a�erwards. �e second time he said something supposedly as a joke. When I said she would also go to the coast in March, he replied, “We’ll see about that.” She then said, “I will,” and he said, “You won’t. I am the one who decides about that.” When she said, “I work and will go because you also went,” he replied, “You have Avala here, go there.” And she asked him, “Why did you go to Opatija instead of Avala?” I didn’t say anything but was shocked and started to think about him from the day they met and realized he is an egotist and that he has been using her all this time as much as he could. She is crazy about him and doesn’t see how low she has fallen. I le� them certain they will suffer even more. �e evening before New Year’s she said that she would buy a rubber waistband for her stomach because the one they sent her from America wasn’t good. He replied, “You can’t,” and she said, “Yes I can, I will put aside the money and buy the waistband.” And they went on like this: you won’t, I will, you won’t, I will, we’ll see. I said to that: “You have to have the waistband. Your stomach is falling down, and your uterus will also drop down because you are on your feet from six o’clock in the morning until eight o’clock in the evening. It will also be good for your kidneys.” A�er I said this, he threw her salary on the �oor and le�, with the money still on the �oor. I realized he likes making such scenes to spite me, because I always used to say I never had any scenes in either of my marriages. Nor did we ever use bad words. We simply could not. I le� their house in the evening of the following day and didn’t go back. I wonder how he can forget that she put her life and Mirko’s life in danger to hide him from the Germans. Later on, she even got me involved, so that I also put my life and the life of all my children in danger for him. Whenever I watch him, whether at home or away from home, I realize every day that he is a sel�sh person who has no sense of honor or duty. I am suffering because I love their child as if he were my own. When Milan came back from 461

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Novi Sad he was supposed to be in the woods or in detention since he was a reserve officer, but he stayed at Milica’s apartment. As soon as our forces came, he converted and married her, and he had his child baptized in church. I realized only later that this was pure calculation on his part, but it was already too late by then. �e whole world blames and a�acks Jews for what is going on, and I always defend them. But as an outside observer, I have come to the conclusion that most of them are mean and calculating. I thought Milan was an exception, but when I heard he sent a request to Tito a�er saying all those bad things about him, I changed my mind. He managed to stay in the apartment because of his links to an active Jewish major. I don’t like listening to Milan’s odes and hymns of praise behind his parents’ back. He is still a mystery to me, but just because of that I would not go to him with a request. I heard from some judges from Sarajevo that Milan’s father had to go to court two years ago, because he was the only Jew who stayed in Sarajevo and collaborated with the Germans. Only the fact that he is a Jew saved him. And here he talks about justice being fair for everybody! �ey reduced his sentence by four months, while our poor godfather, who is a Serb, still sits in prison without a trial. �ere is no justice, regardless of who is in power. In this chaos, it’s not possible to �gure out who is doing what, or who is on whose side. People lie so much these days, I am ashamed to look into the eyes of those who lie and think you don’t see it. Whenever they open their mouths, they start complaining that they don’t have anything and are starving. But if you peek into their houses, you see that they are lying. Everybody has made connections and watches their own interest. I observe my neighbors and relatives. �ey are all reactionaries but are doing well because others in their place would lose their pension, whereas they have their orders antedated and go into pension without the required number of years of service. January 8, 1948

Second day of Christmas. Dragan’s son Jova came yesterday morning and was my �rst visitor on Christmas Day. I gave him 100 dinars. He had already been at Milica’s and Danko’s place and a�er that went over to Mila’s. Danko came with his children and Nenad’s children. He brought me a liter of red wine and gave me 300 dinars for Father’s Day and a coupon for lard. Dragan also dropped by. He brought me a liter of Triumph, old white Hamburg wine, some cake, pork roast, and pastry. We went together to Mila’s so that they could see the old piano she bought. �eonly shortcoming is that it’s large—a concert piano, but there is enough room in Mila’s room, so the children will learn to play. I later went over to Danko’s place to see a 462

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friend of his. He was released from prison and now travels all over Yugoslavia as an expert. He talks about terrible things. In Zagreb everybody has joined a front—all Ljotić supporters.2 He says they are holding up and are well trained. When I heard the kind of things that are going on, I felt like screaming. Only schools and offices were closed yesterday—Mila had to work on Friday a�ernoon, because they le� the office at three o’clock on Christmas Eve. Some time ago, an acquaintance asked me if I was disappointed by all this. I told her I have never been a communist and I never will be, not because I hate them but because I’ve known them for 28 years already. I helped them, got them out of prison as people who were being persecuted for their ideas, but I am convinced that communism is utopian. “A�er all,” I added, “revolutions don’t bring roasted larks and well-being, but hopefully something be�er will come a�erwards.” Since I have been following the political life of individual people and the power struggles between political parties for �ve years, as well as throughout history, I don’t want to undermine the importance of the premise that history repeats itself. I no longer care about that, and I tell everybody: work honestly and stay on the right path, don’t go astray for your personal bene�t, treat others with love. �at’s the only thing worth living for, and then you have nothing to fear. �ose who want more, risk their lives, and shout le� and right. But they shall reap what they sow! I am a socialist and a republican, have always been, but I don’t talk about it. I am in favor of people having full freedom and being rewarded for their efforts. If the people are satis�ed, I am satis�ed, too. It’s Christmas, but the weather is like summertime. �at means a lot to those of us who don’t have any �rewood or coal. I don’t know what it will do to the harvest. Dragan came from Zagreb on Christmas Eve. Tomorrow he is going back by plane, because the express train was delayed. Everybody is criticizing and complaining, but they are also drinking and partying. Singing can be heard everywhere, piglets are squeaking, even the “comrades” are celebrating. Our people are going to do what is prohibited out of spite, even if it costs them their lives. I remember the discussion I had with a colleague of Mila’s, Dževa. When she �rst got here in 1946, she was crying and said her husband had been killed �ghting 2

Dmitrije Ljotić was an extreme right, semi-fascist Serbian politician active during the interwar period. He declined to join the collaborationist Serbian regime under Milan Nedić during the German occupation, focusing his efforts on �ghting the Communist Partisan forces. Toward the end of the war, Ljotić and most antiCommunist Serb forces gathered in Slovenia. Ljotić himself was killed in a car accident there in April 1945, but many of his followers continued their anti-Communist activities for some time.

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for the Partisans. She said she joined the Communist Party to get revenge for his death, and she told us horrible things about the people who joined later. When she was here last summer she seemed to have forgo�en everything she had said before, and she is now more “red” than ever. She takes children on trips and claims Jesus never existed. I laughed at that and told her, “I am three times as old as you are and I read more than you did, so I don’t need anybody to persuade me whether Jesus existed or not; I don’t even care. If he existed as a preacher, not as God’s son, then all the others, Moses, Mohammed, and Buddha also existed. Even if he hadn’t existed, Christian science had existed for two thousand years already. His teaching was good and sophisticated. It’s not his fault that people turned it into trade and misfortune and are doing all kinds of bad things under his name, that they divide and persecute each other, and that they’ve stripped his teaching of everything that’s good, so that there is nothing le�. It’s not his fault that people have quarreled with other people and that they torture and kill and do all kinds of atrocities in the name of religion. If everybody knew and followed just the Ten Commandments we would have heaven on earth. But people are worse than animals and don’t accept good ideas. ‘It’s be�er to be a tooth than food,’ as Nietzsche once said. Our entire life consists of that.” January 24, 1948

Sillanpaa says she has experienced that worst feeling of being old, which hurts the most, namely standing on the side and being useless.3 �at sounds very familiar. I am lying in bed. Mirko brought me back on his motorcycle last night, although I went there to stay with them until Monday. I felt very bad and had unbearable pain in my right arm and shoulder with some strange fever. I was restless all night and had strange dreams. I dreamt that a stream of water had opened George’s grave on the side and that his coffin was stuck in mud and soil. I tried to cover the hole so that other people wouldn’t see and then saw my mother standing next to the grave. Last night, Mila told me they brought a colleague of Mirko’s who had been convicted to her. He and another colleague are under police surveillance and are doing forced labor for some company, which is how they got connected with Mila. She didn’t recognize him, and when he told her who he was, she felt sorry for him. He asked about Mirko and told her to say hello to him. 3

Natalija here is referring to the Finnish author Frans Eemil Sillanpaa, who won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1939. Although her reference implies that she was familiar with the author’s work, Natalija mistakenly assumed that Sillanpaa was a woman.

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Of course I can’t turn into a communist now, but I can work for my people. I can’t lie or listen to lies from other people. Nenad’s Margita came to see me. She says her daughter was given a school assignment to write an essay on the topic “Why I Love Tito.” �ey told her to ask her parents to help her if she didn’t know the answer herself. �ey le� around six o’clock and a�er that nobody else came, so I read my le�ers and George’s le�er from the time when I was with Jova in Šabac and Vranje. It’s interesting, only now when I examine his fate and mine, and our real friendship from that time, so noble and pure, as well as my happiness with Jova and the children, which I described in those le�ers. George admired us even then and loved us, all the more so because at the same time he was hurting for the child of his �rst marriage. How many unwri�en novels there are in life. 15 February 1948

Since yesterday, I have been in bed again. Rheumatism has a�acked the entire right side of my body, and my elbow and shoulder have been hit the worst. Natalija stops writing just at a crucial moment in Yugoslavia’s history. Although Tito had been one of the Soviet Union’s closest allies throughout the Second World War, the Yugoslav Communist leadership had become too independent for Stalin’s tastes. Beginning in late February 1948 and continuing throughout the spring of that year, a heated correspondence developed between the leaders of the two regimes. In their le�ers, the Soviet leaders accused the Yugoslav Communists of an “absence of comradeship,” along with various deviations such as coddling the peasantry and insufficient internal party democracy. Tito and his closest followers within the CPY, while confused and hurt by the accusations, nonetheless refused to bow down to their superiors and responded not with abject apologies (as was clearly expected) but with explanations and denials. By late spring, it was becoming increasingly clear that the con�ict was irreparable. Ostensibly to clear the air, the Soviet Union scheduled a meeting of the Communist Information Bureau (the successor to the prewar Communist International which had been disbanded during the war) to be held in Bucharest, Romania on June 28, 1948—held symbolically on the same date as the infamous Ba�le of Kosovo Polje in 1389, when the Serbs were defeated by the O�oman army. �e Yugoslav Communists, realizing that not only would they not get a fair hearing at the meeting but that they might not even return from it alive, declined to a�end. Nonetheless, they did, to the surprise of the entire commu465

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nist and non-communist world, publish immediately therea�er not only the declaration expelling Yugoslavia from the Eastern bloc of Communist powers, but also the entire correspondence which had preceded it, thus displaying to all eyes the Soviets’ o�en patently absurd accusations and, perhaps most important, their insulting suggestion that Yugoslavia would never have been freed from the Nazi occupation without the aid of the Red Army. While liberation by the Red Army was certainly crucial in much of Eastern Europe, it was much less important in Yugoslavia. �is accusation did much to rally the support of the Yugoslav population behind Tito and company who, even if Communists, at least were their own.

September 6, 1948

Events are heating up, the whole world is expecting something, and everyone has already had enough of all this.4 December 10, 1948

Fog, quite cold. I got up at seven, because I had to struggle to make it home last night. Already exhausted from work, I went to see my children because I hadn’t been there for seven days already. At about six I was at the station, but the trams aren’t working—there is no electricity. I stood there for about ten minutes and the people started to leave, so I le� on foot, but I couldn’t make it. It was cold and my legs hurt, and then the trams started coming from the town. I got off before the station because the tram stopped there. I froze there until six-thirty and barely made it onto the next tram, where I stood and suffocated all the way to Slavija. �e trolleys weren’t working, so I decided to go on foot. At about ten, Milica came in worn-out and tired on foot from the New Cemetery. She makes some yearly reports on norms and stays until ten every day. She said that the technical director came to help her. She says that she wouldn’t be sorry if someone would at least take a look at them, but they’ll just end up in some drawer. I am very worried about Milica; she has grown feeble. 4

�e eighteen months that followed the Cominform Resolution of June 28, 1948 were indeed extremely tense. No one knew if the Soviet Union might not decide to invade Yugoslavia to enforce its will. Moreover, Yugoslavia was up to that point entirely reliant on the Eastern bloc in its trade relations, which were now completely cut off. Within a fairly short time, the United States recognized the strategic advantage to be gained by working with Tito’s government and offered both military and economic aid without demanding any political concessions in return. As a result, Yugoslavia eventually came to represent a kind of middle ground and even started an entirely new international alliance called the “nonaligned movement.” But all that was still far in the future; for the Yugoslav peoples, these had to be difficult times.

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At about ten-thirty, I went home. At that time my chest started hurting. �ey tried to get me to stay there, but I said that tomorrow I have to pick up the milk for Mila, Nenad, and myself, and I have to feed the livestock, and Mila is sick. When I was leaving, I made tea for her and scolded her for going to work sick. Although I had stomach cramps, I went to see Milica. I ate cold beef with horseradish there, a li�le bit of soup, and some cheese. I have an upset stomach from eating that co�age cheese at home before I le� this morning. Barely walking, I went down to the Academy and pushed my way in on the platform, bending from the pain. I bent over and dragged myself up the hill. A man came by and a soldier and they both looked at me. I gave out a cry and prayed to God to help me get to the �rst houses so that I could call somebody for help. I turned my walking stick around and used it to support my hernia and appendix, took a deep breath, and started walking step by step all the way to the house. Mila’s family was all sleeping. I walked into the room, took my clothes off, and threw myself on the bed. I got up this morning at seven. I can’t move too much, so I chopped some �rewood and got coal to make �re. I took a li�le bit of salty water as a purgative and spent the rest of the day in bed. December 15, 1948

I took milk to Margita and called Mirko on the phone to ask him why he doesn’t come home. When I bent down to put coal into the stove, I felt dizzy and nauseous. I couldn’t put away the �rewood but lay down. I can see that my entire family is going to ruin itself by working hard both at home and outside. If only they would eat, instead of spending everything on the children. May God protect them, and He can do as he pleases with me. Yesterday, I drank cold milk to clean my bowels, but my legs are numb and I don’t feel them almost up to my knees, as if somebody had tied two sticks to my knees. I have to lie down, I don’t have any more �rewood or coal, and nobody will drop by. If I hear Mila or Nada [tenants in the small room in Natalija’s house] I’ll ask them to call somebody in Mila’s house, but there is nobody there except the children. If I die, don’t bury me anywhere else but in the grave. If they don’t let you, then next to my mother in Arandjelovac. Remove the top layer of my clothing, because I always wear a lot. Don’t inform anybody until I’m buried, and a�er that forget me. Good-bye to all those I loved and knew; I never hated anyone in my life. May God make my people happy, whom I have given six children. I wish for everyone a lot of happiness and joy, may you always stay on the path 467

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of justice and love for everybody around you. Everything else is a lie. Am I going to jump over this hole as well? December 16, 1948

�ank God, I feel be�er today. I jumped over another hole. �is evening Mirko and Jova came to see me. Mirko was in Bosnia for ten days on business. I need rest, but I won’t have any before I join my two husbands who are waiting for me. December 27, 1948

We get a li�le bit of sunshine, followed by a li�le bit of cloudy weather. I spent eight days in bed. I slept badly all night and stayed up reading until two in the morning to get sleepy. I read the book entitled �e Biological Tragedy of the Woman. �ese people, although they are academics, don’t know women, nor what they are made of. �ey want to put us into some kind of category and apply rules to us. But they don’t understand that every woman is special. We were four sisters, and each of us understood life differently and hid her most intimate feelings from everybody around her. �ey le� this life one by one. Even I, who was closest to them and am one of them, don’t know much about them. My life was different from theirs, because it was in�uenced by many different circumstances and many different people—professors, parents, poverty and abundance, husbands and children—and my life is still a mystery to me. A�er 15 years of being a widow, I still passionately dream of the embraces of my two beloved husbands, which are inseparable from one another for me. I wouldn’t be able to belong to a man who didn’t love me and who didn’t belong to me body and soul. When I didn’t have my beloved husband next to me, I searched for him among the stars, in the �eld and the �owers, and in my dreams. He was always there. January 2, 1949

Some friends came over to lunch. One told me that Milica and Mirko were communists. I said they weren’t, that they have always been le�ists and democrats and that they work hard because they’ve only just started, especially Milica, but that nobody is a member of the Communist Party nor did they get anything they didn’t earn with their own two hands.

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July 18, 1949

�is morning around ten we saw off my dear children Milica, Milan, and Zoran to Palestine. �is parting is too difficult for me. I constantly cry for Zoran.5 July 19, 1949

Where are my sweet children now? �ey are somewhere on a train. My li�le one, where does he sleep now? I cry all the time. August 7, 1949

I stay away from the house and the garden because it reminds me of Zoran. I am waiting for news from him, but I am inconsolable. August 8, 1949

Last night I listened to the radio. It makes one crazy. I still can’t believe what the big countries are doing with the small ones. Poor Balkans, we will never be le� to our own peoples. I want to believe that the Balkans will one day be independent, and that all its peoples will live in one community, because that’s the only way they can survive. I woke up and everybody here is still asleep. �e sun is shining through Dragan’s poplar trees, the roosters are crowing, the new day is starting. �ose who have never woken up early don’t know what real life is about. August 20, 1949

A friend came around one o’clock, just at the right time so that we could both cry and console each other. I gave her �e Suicide of Yugoslavia to read so that she can see our tragedy.6 I sleep with Zoran’s li�le teddy bear and kiss him instead. 5 6

Jewish migration to Israel began shortly a�er its creation on May 15, 1948. Milica and Milan’s decision to go was apparently more economic than religious. �e Suicide of Yugoslavia by Danilo Gregorić was published under the occupation regime during the Second World War in Serbia. �e book starts from the premise that the March 27 coup rejecting the Tripartite Pact was an enormous historical error that sealed Yugoslavia’s fate. Gregorić, a true believer in fascism, had been editor of the newspaper of Stojadinović’s government, which had signed the pact, and had also held a government position in Germany in the later interwar period. During the war, he served in the Serbian collaborationist government headed by Milan Nedić. A�er the war, he was arrested and imprisoned by the Communists. He died soon a�er in jail under unclear circumstances. For Natalija to have been reading and circulating his book at this time was extremely dangerous.

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October 1, 1950

I want to see Nenad today, although they are only three minutes away. I stopped him at the market for a few minutes but he is always in a rush, and Margita and the children never come. �e moment she starts holding a grudge, the children stop coming as well. October 3, 1950

Beautiful day, like summertime. I went to see George’s grave in Topčider. I walked across the hill and thought about Zoran the entire day, how we walked here together last year, and how he ran around collecting chestnuts. October 4, 1950

Milica wrote yesterday that Zoran still misses his Grandma, but nobody else remembers Grandma except Mila. I always have to call my daughters-in-law �rst and ask them how they are doing. Danko’s Vera also hasn’t come, she must be angry. Is she angry with Danko or me? A few days ago she con�ded in me that she’s jealous of him. I laughed and said, “May things get be�er for you children.” It’s true that at times like this, men in such positions are considered a catch, but at least she is an intellectual and knows how to make home a�ractive to her husband, how to meet him and get involved in his life. But they got married in a rush and I have a feeling she takes a�er her mother. She looks at everything in life from a calculated point of view. December 6, 1950

My sweet children in a foreign country. Milica keeps writing and inviting me. How I would be glad to go and see Zoran go to college and study French.7 It’s winter here, it snowed last night, now it’s raining and clearing up. We don’t have enough coal and �rewood. From the entire ration, Mirko and I only got two kilos of sugar and six kilos of corn �our. He, who worked like a horse all year and received a medal for his efforts.

7

In fact, Natalija did eventually go to visit Milica and her family in Israel for six months, though we do not know exactly when. She even kept a diary of her trip, but it unfortunately has been lost. According to her grandchildren’s memories, she traveled there by ship and was then carried to shore by sailors. She went for long walks with her grandson Zoran and visited all the important historical sites of Jerusalem. Milica and Milan lived in a small cabin at the time, where she planted a �ower garden for them. She generally had a successful visit, though she was perhaps inclined to interfere a bit too much in their lives.

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January 19, 1951

I felt depressed and anxious all day today and stayed at home. I sat at home all a�ernoon. Mirko went out around noon to �nd his friends and go downtown with them. I ate some co�age cheese although it made me sick twice, and then lay down to rest, a�er I hung out the laundry that Olga washed and chopped the �rewood and coal. When I got up, I decided to look through my diaries and sort them out, although I’m not sure they are of any use to anyone anymore. �ey still mean a lot to me and present a faithful picture of my own past and the life of my people. All this time I have been comparing events from half a century ago, and I’ve always come to the same conclusion: How much does a man have to suffer to make a real person out of himself ? I wrote this two years ago. What would I be able to add to that now? Nothing at all. July 6, 1952

�is morning Mirko brought his Milica. He met her at the station. �e �rst impression is good. Mirko is happy. I made her feel welcome. I kissed her and told her she will replace my Milica to me, who is now far away. Regardless of her relationship to Mirko I welcomed her as a daughter, because I know everything about her parents’ unfortunate fate and her misfortune. If she is honest with me and con�des to me that she is too weak to ful�ll the duty she has taken over, I will understand. Engineer Djukić told me not to spoil her and to show her how to work and what her duties are, so that she can see what Mirko needs. I refused, because I never showed any of my daughters-in-law what to do. She will be my guest until she recovers and until we get to know each other gradually.8 July 8, 1952

Mirko’s Milica is intelligent and reasonable, but she’s still tired and sad. She smokes, but not in front of me. I told her I would prefer it if she didn’t smoke for her own sake, but that I won’t prohibit it, nor does she need to hide it from me. If she later realizes that it’s be�er for her to quit, that’s �ne, but if that pleases her, not even Mirko can demand that she quit. 8

Mirko’s marriage to his second wife, Milica, was far more successful than his �rst, perhaps because Milica had her own share of troubles. A divorcee, she came to Mirko with an enormous debt that Mirko paid off, thereby keeping her from prison. She was also an alcoholic (although this was something that Natalija learned only over time). Nonetheless, she was devoted to Mirko and, when he became ill shortly before his death in 1977, she completely stopped drinking in order to properly care for him. Sadly, she became depressed and had a relapse a�er his death, but she survived until 1994.

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Nenad came with Margita and the children. She is still shy towards them. I am surprised she doesn’t have more personal belongings. Something bad must have happened to her; I have to �nd out what it is. July 13, 1952

�is morning Dragan and Vera came and brought me a bouquet of white gladiolas. �ey stayed until noon. I am desperate for some news from Milica, I don’t know what’s going on with the applications. May God help them come soon; everything will be �ne a�erwards.9 July 14, 1952

It’s been seven days since Mirko’s Milica has come. She is smart, well read, and she likes poems. Yesterday, she said she always wanted to study literature. She learned how to play the piano and she studied foreign languages but quit all that. Li�le by li�le, she opened her heart and told me about her life in the hills of Bosnia among soldiers and primitive people. I took her to the district authorities, and she then went to see Mirko. �ey still haven’t come back. Mila brought me a bag in which I brought her groceries from the market. She doesn’t have time to go, so I always bring her something when I go. July 15, 1952

Heat. Mila was at the market, but she didn’t come by, she said she didn’t know I was up. She has gone to the office. At six o’clock, Nataša got up and went to the beach. She put on a pair of old red sandals to wear in that dust. �ey le� a mess in the kitchen and dirty dishes in the sink waiting for the old mother to come. I have to take care of them all. Olga is at that voluntary physical labor gathering for young people.10 She helps out when she’s here. �e other two do as they please. Mila also doesn’t care what Nataša does all day. �e dresses and shoes she wears are sca�ered all over the place, and, as for Mila, I am embarrassed to see how dirty and sloppy she is. 9

10

Ultimately, Milica and her family le� Israel and returned to Serbia. It seemed that, although Milica was quite content there, Milan was not. His Serbian law degree was useless in Israel, and he was forced to �nd work as a waiter. He was also unhappy with the amount of military service required. �e Communist regime organized volunteer labor brigades for youth, partly to more quickly rebuild the country’s infrastructure destroyed during the war and partly as a form of social and political education. Besides digging ditches and building bridges, young people in the brigades learned to read and write (if illiterate), sang politically correct songs about the Partisans and Tito, read Marxist-Leninist literature, performed amateur theatrical skits about the evils of fascism and the ignorance of priests, and danced. �eir “voluntary” participation was certainly sometimes coerced, but for many the brigades were also a social event and a chance to escape the watchful eyes of their parents. �at is indeed how Olga now remembers it.

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Milica went to the district authorities to see about Mirko’s documents. She is coughing and her nose is running. I don’t let her work, but it’s all in vain because I don’t know where to start. She has no clothes. I am surprised she has nothing to wear around the house, not a pair of slippers. He can’t buy her everything now to dress her from head to toe. I mend clothes all day. I wash and do everything by myself, only to help him pay off his debts. He won’t have an easy life. If only my Milica would come back, the two of them will support each other. July 24, 1953

I have many tribulations, but I force myself to go on for Mirko’s sake. We need to �nd out what brought Mirko’s Milica to Belgrade—affection for Mirko or some calculated interest. For a few days she managed to prove that nothing outside the house interested her and spent her time resting and thinking. A�er that she started going out every morning and they say she gave a new dress to a friend of hers. Now she’s taken a coat to the tailor, someone she knows. I can see she has a lot of acquaintances in Belgrade. She had a fever a few days ago. I rubbed her, gave her medication, and told her to stay in bed. I do all the work; she only does what she needs for herself. We cook every day and I do all the washing. She has started pu�ing on makeup. She bought it all. She smokes a lot, but if she will make him happy, it doesn’t bother me. I asked her if she has a winter coat, and she said she had le� fabric with a tailor to make it for her. I don’t have any more money and they aren’t saving. I don’t like having caught her in a lie. She said Mirko didn’t even know about her problem with the money, but, when I went to take money from his drawer where he had 17,000 dinars only ten days ago (he now has only 3,000 dinars), I found a money order that shows he had sent her 8,000 dinars already on the 26th. I don’t like the fact that she wasn’t honest about her life, so that we can forget it and she can turn a new leaf. Holy Saturday [April 4], 1953

�is morning I got dressed and wanted to go to the bakery, but when I reached the gate I got sick and slowly dragged myself back to the house and lay down in the coat. �e house was empty. My heart was beating; I thought I would suffocate from the pain. My le� shoulder and neck became stiff. I lay quietly for almost an hour. �en I spent the whole day with the hens and the bees. For a few days now I have been going out into the yard to give them water and food. I also throw bread to the sparrows. I watch the fruit trees in bloom. During the day, everything comes to life. �e apricots and peaches are in bloom, as are the cherry trees. �e earth is 473

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Mirko with his wife Milica (on his left) and friends in Belgrade, date unknown.

cracked, waiting for the rain. My bones hurt a great deal. Nobody called on the phone. It’s April, the happiest month in my life, when my soul is above everything earthy. �is wonderful nature, eternal and inconceivable, is what keeps me going. I can’t even walk up to the Topčider cemetery to visit George’s grave. Everything is full of life there now. St. John’s Day [January 7], 1954

My dear Jova, my good and faithful companion, it’s your birthday and your name day today. It’s been 35 years since I lost you. It seems my whole life consists of memories. I am too lonely. �e children are no longer children, they are grownup people with their own worries and children. Life is hard and the whole world community is at a turning point. Who can understand this and survive? �e weather is cold and windy, we have snow and the winter isn’t le�ing up, and we are almost out of �rewood and money, but there are people who have even less. July 8, 1954

Wednesday. Dragan rounded up our entire family on Sunday to have our pictures taken. He organized and prepared everything himself. My good old 474

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Natalija and the children in Belgrade, 1954: Nenad, Danko, Natalija, Mirko, Dragan, Mila, and Milica (on the floor)

son, he is already 50 years old. Everybody came; there are 24 of us now. It was a big day for me. I was sorry you are no longer with us Jova, you or your deputy, my sweet George. Postscript It is the most beautiful spring anyone can ever remember, at least since the war. All over Belgrade, the linden trees have burst into bloom, sending showers of sticky sweet petals onto the heads of passersby. �e tulips and daffodils, planted in orderly rows by Communist youth brigades a�er the war, have already bloomed and faded in the city parks. Even the �nicky lilacs have appeared in places Natalija has never seen them before, lavender, white, and the deep purple that still gives Natalija a thrill. It is a spring for picnickers and lovers. Natalija can hear the rumble and shouts �om the riverboats by day as they head down the Danube for more secluded spots. �e so� murmur of lovers’ voices dri�s toward her as they pass by her window in the long evening twilight. She is si�ing by the open window in her kitchen, her head titled slightly to the side as she gazes at her garden, remembering. �e trees that she cut down, one by one, dur475

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ing the war and replanted a�erwards have put on tiny, light green leaves. �ere are the two apple trees by the big house where Mila and her family now live; the pair of cherries by her �ont door; the stand of plum trees by the lower fence. She thought they would surely wither and die in the harshness of those postwar days, but they lived, and this year several are pu�ing on blossoms for the �rst time, blossoms as delicate as the �ligree necklace Jova gave her during the �rst year of their married life. How long ago that now seems, and yet it is like yesterday. Sometimes, when she is least expecting it, the strong smell of ro�ing potatoes will hit her on the street, and she is transported back to those times, when there wasn’t enough to eat, when the Bulgarians and the Germans took the very food �om their mouths, when Jova was still with them. She had been so preoccupied with li�le Mirko then; her world had narrowed to the walnut leaves she used to rub on his white, lifeless legs. She had tried so hard to feed her family, to keep true to her Serbia, to bring life back to those legs, that she had forgo�en to see Jova, to really see him. She had looked at him every day, but she had not really seen him during those last horrible months of war, when her oldest children had been taken �om her and her youngest were so weakened by the harshness of life. She hadn’t cared much about herself then; she didn’t regret her lost teeth or her ta�ered clothes. But she had regre�ed the loss of her Jova, of his shining hopeful self before the war had worn him down, had defeated him. She still wondered sometimes, a�er all these years, whether perhaps if she had really seen him, really paid a�ention, she might have glimpsed a sign of the disaster that was about to engulf them; she might have been able to do something. Her darling children had occupied all her a�ention until the terrible realization that while she had been looking in the other direction, her precious Jova had slipped away. Even now she could remember the cold hard feel of the �ozen ground next to his grave. How many hours she had spent si�ing there, pleading with him, trying to bring him back. �en she hadn’t seen anything, not even the bright whiteness of Mirko’s legs. �ere was only grey, and more grey, with darkness around the edges. She had rushed here and there teaching, organizing, nursing, trying to rebuild her Serbia, while waiting secretly until she could slip away to the grave and plead with her beloved again to send her a sign. But it was all just grey; Jova and Serbia and the world they had dreamed of, her youth and her hope, had faded away. �en one day she had looked up and the world came rushing back to her in bright blues and greens and reds. He was wearing a green vest, a deep rich green the color of summer pastures and meadow grass. His brown eyes, when they looked at her quizzically, kindly, seemed to bore straight through her heart, leaving her breathless, alive. �e roots of his dark mustache were lighter, almost white—later the white would 476

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creep down to the very tip of his upper lip. He was holding a red book in his hand, giving it to her, telling her something about the revolution in Russia and what he had seen. She could feel that George admired her, this old �iend of Jova’s who had come to her in her time of need, and she realized that through him she could see again. Later, when her heart pounded through the night with desire until she thought her body would burst into �ames, she almost wished she had not been brought so fully back to life. She saw the vivid colors everywhere around her again, especially the bright white of Mirko’s legs. George had given her back hope and love and a belief that they could make something of their new country, this conglomerate of nations and nationalities. Even though it was not the Great Serbia she and Jova had hoped for, it was a chance to show the world what Serbs could do, not only when it came to �ghting but when it came to building. Jova had helped construct the railway; George would help to create order and �nd a way for politicians and king to get along. And she, she had the best job of all, teaching and raising her children to follow in their father’s footsteps. She was proud of what they had become, architects and engineers every one of them, literally building their Serbia into the modern world. She had clung to that when the political situation had soured and she was reduced to shouting her fury and �ustration at their neighbor and �iend across the fence. She could still see him there in her mind as she gazed at the spot where they had hurled political insults at one another before taking their coffee together in the a�ernoon under the trees. In the end, George, too, had been worn down, by the brutality of the Russian Revolution, by failed governments in Belgrade, too many to remember or even count, by the pe�iness of party politics that denied him promotions and kept them poor. If only the king had been less foolish, or the Macedonians less wild, or the Croats less demanding, perhaps it might have worked. As it was, George had died without achieving his heart’s desire, neither a whole Mirko nor a whole country. Natalija pushed herself heavily �om her chair and shuffled across the kitchen �oor. Groping for the cabinet in the dim hallway, she opened the door and slipped her hand inside. She was nearly blind a�er the brightness of the outdoor light, but she didn’t need to see. She knew every notebook stacked in the cabinet by feel, this one leather-bound, that one with the stiff cardboard of wartime issue. It was the stiff cardboard she felt for now—the one that recorded Serbia’s most recent tragedy. �ey had been so lucky to escape the bloodbath of the last war unharmed—thank God for the weakness of her boys’ eyes that had kept them out of the army and the many roomfuls of furniture they were able to sell for food. Even Jakov (she had never go�en used to calling him Milan) had somehow managed to escape alive, thanks to his connec477

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Natalija and family in Belgrade, 1954: Standing: Mila’s daughter Olga, Mirko, Danko, Dragan, Dragan’s son Jovan, Nenad’s son Djoka, Nened’s daughter Evgenija, Nenad, Mila’s husband Sergej, Milica’s husband Jakov, Divna’s husband Vladimir. Seated: Mila’s daughter Nata�a, Mirko’s wife Milica, Danko’s wife Vera, Dragan’s wife Vera, Natalija, Nenad’s wife Margita, Mila, Milica, Dragan’s daughter Divna. On the floor: Danko’s son Du�an, Danko’s daughter Jovana, Milica’s son Zoran, Mila’s son Mirko.

tion with her darling girl. Natalija leafed through the pages of her journal until she came to the entry for April 6, 1941, the day it all began. How she had raged against fate that day, a pan on her head and fury in her heart. Too many wars, too much sorrow, and always the same pain for those who had no choice but to endure it and to hope against hope to survive. All that was behind her now, she thought, as she gazed out her window at the trees. �ere was a so� humming of insects in the garden and the faint shouts of the children across the street. �ey had survived the war and her Mirko had grown up a man beloved by all, surrounded by �iends. Milica got to marry her Jewish love in the end and they had that lovely boy, Zoran, the light of Natalija’s life. Her children were thriving, despite the Communists, and even her grandchildren were growing up. Already Mila’s daughters, who had spent so many hours playing by her side, seemed busy with their own lives. Only Zoran remained. He was the only one now who ever 478

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seemed to really see her; she had felt invisible to her own children for a long time. But soon he, too, would go away and she would be le� alone again. Except she wasn’t really alone; she knew that. She heard Jova and George o�en now, whispering to her in the night. �ey were waiting for her, and her work here had been done for a long time. Oh, how she longed to go to them, to be �ee. She had entered the shadows already, and this realization pleased her. Pleased her so much that she had never thought to u�er it to another person. �ey knew, the two who mattered now, the two who were waiting for her. She closed her journal with a so� snap and moved her lips slowly. “I am coming, my beloveds. It won’t be long now. I am longing to see you both soon.” Natalija Matić-Zrnić died on June 13, 1956, at the age of 76. Her children have also all died, but in 2008, 52 years a�er her death, most of her grandchildren were still alive.

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480

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Appendix

Natalija Matic-Zrnic And Her Family

Natalija Matić-Zrnić (Teacher). Born October 27, 1880 in Arandjelovac to father Nikola Joksimović-Marković and mother Mileva Protić. Married May 18, 1903 in Arandjelovac to Jovan Zrnić (Engineer). Married a second time February 2, 1920 in Vranje to George Matić. Died June 13, 1956 in Belgrade, where she was also buried. Jovan—Jova Zrnić (Engineer). Born in 1871 in Bistrica, a village near Prijedor, Bosnia, to father Petar, a priest, and mother Milica. Died November 28, 1918 in Vranje, where he was also buried. George Lj. Matić (Head of the County). Born October 24, 1877 in Kragujevac. Died May 12, 1932 in Belgrade, where he was also buried.

Natalija and Jova’s Descendants: 1. Predrag—Dragan (Architect and Professor). Born February 21, 1904 in Arandjelovac. Married to Vera Velić (1910–92). Died December 1990 in Belgrade. Their children: Jovan (Architect). Born March 1930 in Belgrade. Married to Zorica Simin. Died January 1, 2003. �eir daughter, Žanin (Architect), was born in Paris. Divna (Architect). Born February 22, 1931 in Belgrade. Died 1988. ____________________________________________________ 481

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Appendix

2. Margita—Mila (Architect). Born April 2, 1905 in Paraćin. Married to Sergej Ošmjanski (Forest Engineer, 1902–75). Died February 16, 1992 in Belgrade. Their children: Olga (Architect). Born June 25, 1933 in Belgrade. Married to Stanislav Popović (Civil Engineer). �ey had two sons, both born in Belgrade: Stanislav (Mechanical Engineer), born in 1959, and Nenad (Civil Engineer), born in 1961. Natalija—Nataša. Born June 19, 1935 in Belgrade. Married to Petar Djordjević. �eir daughter, Jasna (Master of Civil Engineering), married Dragan Savić (Doctor of Civil Engineering) and had a daughter, Mila. Mirko (Mechanical Engineer). Born September 16, 1943 in Belgrade. Married to Vidosava Cvetičanin. �ey had two children: a son, Vladimir (student of electrical engineering), born in 1971, and a daughter, Marija (student of architecture), born in 1974.

3. Slobodan—Danko (Mechanical Engineer and Professor). Born August 6, 1906 in Valjevo. Married to Vera Popović (Philosopher, 1909–2000). Died September 20, 1990 in Belgrade. Their children: Dušan (Doctor of Electrical Engineering and Professor). Born June 3, 1942 in Belgrade. Jovana (Master of Architecture). Born November 7, 1944 in Belgrade. Her daughter, Sonja (student of Interior Design), was born in 1978.

4. Nenad (Doctor of Shipbuilding Engineering and Professor). Born January 28, 1909 in Šabac. Married to Margita Mikić (1911–97). Died February 18, 1991 in Belgrade. Their children: Djordje (Doctor of Mechanical Engineering and Professor). Born March 13, 1934 in Belgrade. Married to Ljiljana Indjić (Architect) and had one son, Nenad (Doctor of Mechanical Engineering), born in 1966. Married Vesna Šoškić (Mechanical Engineer) and had one son, Djordje, born in 2000.

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Appendix

Evgenija-Beka (Architect). Born September 7, 1939 in Belgrade. Died March 12, 1993. Married Dobrica Genčić (Mechanical Engineer) and had one son, Milivoje, born in 1979.

5. Mirko (Architect). Born April 8, 1914 in Vranje. Married to Milica ? (1927–94). Died June 25, 1979 in Belgrade.

6. Milica (Architect). Born April 6, 1917 in Vranje. Married to Jakica/Milan Papo (Lawyer, 1914–2000). Died September 3, 1996 in Belgrade. Their son: Zoran (Architect). Born February 24, 1946 in Belgrade. Married Zagorka Ivković (Doctor of Medicine) and had two sons: David (student of medicine), born in 1975, and Benjamin (student of economics), born in 1977.

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Glossary

Allied Forces: �e coalition of forces �ghting the Axis Powers in the Second World War including the Soviet Union, the United Kingdom, the United States, China, and France before its defeat in 1940 and a�er 1944. All-Souls Day: A holiday in the Orthodox Church commemorating the departed faithful. Annunciation: Archangel Gabriel’s revelation to Mary that she would bear God’s child, as told in the Gospel of Luke. It is a popular subject for artwork, especially in the iconographic tradition of the Eastern Church. Ascension Day: A holiday commemorating the Ascension of the resurrected Christ from Earth to Heaven with an all-night vigil. Also known as Holy �ursday, it is celebrated in the Eastern tradition on the fourth �ursday a�er Easter. Axis Powers: �e coalition of forces �ghting against the Allied Powers in the Second World War including Germany, Italy, and Japan, as well as Hungary, Romania, Bulgaria, and the Independent State of Croatia in southeastern Europe. Central Powers: �e coalition of forces �ghting against the Allied Powers in the First World War including Germany, Austria-Hungary, the O�oman Empire, and Bulgaria. Constitutionalists: Serbia’s �rst quasi-political party, formed by the “Defenders of the Constitution” in 1935 in opposition to Prince Milos’s suspension of the constitution. Croatian Peasant Party: �e political party formed in 1904 by Ante Radić and his brother Stjepan Radić. It became the most signi�cant Croatian political party in the Kingdom of Serbs, Croats, and Slovenes, calling for greater autonomy for Croatia in the new South Slav state. Davidović, Ljubomir: Founder and leader of the Independent Party of Serbia before WWI. Leader of the centralist Democratic Party in the interwar era. Prime Minister of Yugoslavia from 1919–20 and in 1924. Father’s Day: �e Sunday a�er New Year’s Day. On the morning of Father’s or Mother’s Day, children traditionally tie their mother or father and other adult relatives (male or female, depending on the day) to their beds and the adults must offer the children small presents in order to obtain their release. Feast of the Exaltation of the Cross: A holiday commemorating the supposed �nding of the cross of Jesus in 328 and its recovery from the Persians in the seventh century. Garašanin, Ilija (1812–1874): Appointed minister of the interior of Serbia in 1843, Garašanin produced an outline (Načertanje) of Serbian foreign policy in which he argued that Ser484

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Glossary bia’s main goal should be to unite all Serbs in a Great Serbian state including Bosnia-Hercegovina, Southern Serbia (Kosovo), Macedonia, and Montenegro. Gurabija: A type of pastry. Holy Cross Day: See the Feast of the Exaltation of the Cross. Holy Trinity: Also known as Pentecost, this holiday celebrates the descent of the Holy Spirit on the Apostles on the ��ieth day a�er the resurrection of Christ. It normally takes place in late May or June. Independent Radical Party of Serbia: An offshoot of the Radical Party, formed in 1901 largely in opposition to the corruption of Radical leaders. Kalemegdan: An imposing fort situated on a bluff over the con�uence of the Sava and Danube Rivers in the city of Belgrade. Karadjordjević: Family name of �rst ruling dynasty of Serbia, named a�er its founder, Karadjordje Petrović (1768–1817). �e Karadjordjevićs ruled Serbia from 1842 to 1858 and again from 1903 to 1945. Karadjordjević, Alexander (1806–1885): Son of Karadjordje, Prince Alexander ruled Serbia from 1842 to 1858. Karadjordjević, Alexander I (1888–1934): Son of King Peter I and former princess Zorka of Montenegro. In 1914 his father conferred royal power upon him, naming him Regent of Serbia. Alexander inherited the throne of the Kingdom of Serbs, Croats, and Slovenes upon the death of his father Peter in 1921. Karadjordjević, Peter (1844–1921): Upon the assassination of the last Obrenović in 1903, Peter Karadjordjevic assumed power and was crowned King Peter I. He was succeeded by his son Alexander I in 1921. Kolo: A group circle dance involving usually a dozen or more people holding hands. Generally each region will have at least one kolo speci�c to that area; a kolo can be very difficult, requiring great skill to master, but many are general enough that all members of the community can participate. Kum: “Best man” or “godfather.” �e kum plays an important role in Serbian family traditions. �e relationship with one’s kum is an institutionalized form of friendship, and has on occasion proven stronger than family ties. According to Serbian custom, when the kum comes to visit, the householder must go out to greet him bareheaded and kiss his hand, even if the godfather is a younger man. Nonetheless, in Serbian history, kums have betrayed one another, the most famous case being the ordered assassination of Karadjordje Petrović by his kum Miloš Obrenović, ostensibly for the good of the country. Liberals: Young Serbian intellectuals, emerging during the mid-nineteenth century, who promoted liberal ideas they had acquired during their studies abroad. �ey popularized liberal Western European ideas concerning limited government and laissez faire policies of economic development. In 1883 they officially organized themselves as the Liberal Party of Serbia. Markov Kal: Marko’s Fortress, situated on a large rock 3 km northwest of Vranje. According to legend, it was the site of the town of Serbia’s heroic mythical prince Marko Kraljević. Its precise age is unknown, but it dates back to the Medieval Serbian kingdom, when Vranje 485

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Glossary was a border town; it was intended to secure the town against O�oman incursions. By the time Natalija lived in Vranje, it was mainly a popular picnic site. Michaelmas: �e holiday traditionally celebrated by the Eastern Orthodox Church on November 8 according to the old Julian calendar. Also known as the Feast of St. Michael the Archangel. Mihailović, Draža: Serbian colonel in the interwar Yugoslav army who became the leader of the Serbian Chetnik resistance movement during the Second World War. Soon a�er the war’s end, Mihailović was captured, tried for high treason and war crimes, and executed by the new Communist regime. Mother’s Day: Sunday before New Year’s Day. On the morning of Father’s or Mother’s Day, children traditionally tie their mother or father and other adult relatives (male or female, depending on the day) to their beds and the adults must offer the children small presents to obtain their release. Obrenović: Family name of second ruling dynasty of Serbia, originating with its founder Miloš Obrenović. �e Obrenovics ruled Serbia from 1815 to 1842 and again from 1858 to 1903. Obrenović, Milan (1854–1901): Ruler from 1868 to 1889. He was only 14 years old when he became prince and his subsequent reign was characterized by domestic con�ict as well as foreign policy challenges. Obrenović, Miloš (1780–1860): Prince of Serbia from 1817 to 1839. Founder of the Obrenović dynasty. Obrenović, Alexander I (1876–1903): Assumed the throne at age 13 and reigned from 1889 to 1903. Under his reign, tensions between the political parties and Crown intensi�ed. In 1903 he was deposed in a coup when he, his wife and other members of their family were brutally murdered. Oganj: Serbian cremation society, formed in 1904. Although there were only 17 members at its �rst meeting, by the second one, held in 1906, the membership had grown to 86. Oganj began publishing its own journal only in 1934. Nonetheless, cremation would be neither legal nor possible in Yugoslavia until 1964. Oke: A Turkish weight measurement equivalent to approximately 1.2 kg or 2.82 lbs. Palm Sunday: �e Orthodox holiday on the Sunday before Easter that commemorates the entry of Jesus into Jerusalem. Also known as Willow Day. In Slavic Orthodox churches, willow branches, representing the palms which covered Jesus’ path on the way to Jerusalem, are blessed on Saturday, then taken home and placed near icons until the following Sunday. Maček, Vladko (1879–1964): Leader of the Croatian Peasant Party a�er the death of Stjepan Radić in 1929 through the end of the Second World War. He succeeded in negotiating the Sporazum (Agreement), which established the Banovina of Croatia and granted it considerable economic and political autonomy. Pašić, Nikola (1845–1926): Leader of the Old Radical Party of Serbia since 1878, who dominated the political scene in Serbia during the late nineteenth and twentieth century. He served as prime minister of Serbia in 1891–92, during most of 1904–18, and then again 486

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Glossary within the Kingdom of Serbs, Croats, and Slovenes from 1921–26. He was generally perceived to be an extremely cra�y politician who was skillful enough to play on the same board with, if not necessarily win against, the Great Powers of Europe. Pavelić, Ante (1889–1959): Leader of the Croatian fascist movement, the Ustasha, a�er its formation in 1929. He was the supreme leader (Poglavnik) of the Independent State of Croatia, a puppet state of Nazi Germany during the Second World War. Prodanović, Jaša (1862–1948): Founder and leader of the Republican Party and later a member of the Serbian Academy of Sciences and Arts. He was minister of education and economics from 1909 to 1911. Progressive Party of Serbia: A party that emerged out of the more progressive wing of the Serbian Conservative Party and became closely associated with the Obrenović dynasty during the last two decades of the nineteenth century. First formed in 1881, it was dissolved in 1896 and reconstituted in 1906. Pentecost: �e holiday celebrating the descent of the Holy Spirit on the Apostles on the ��ieth day a�er the resurrection of Christ. Also known as Holy Trinity, it normally takes place in late May or June. Radić, Stjepan (1871–1928): Founder of the Croatian Peasant Party and a towering �gure in Croatian politics in the early twentieth century. A proponent of Croatian statehood, he strongly opposed the formation of the Kingdom of Serbs, Croats, and Slovenes. He ultimately joined the government, however, and was assassinated during a parliamentary session in 1928. Sarma: A traditional Christmas meal made of pickled cabbage leaves stuffed with ground meat Slava: �e Serbian Orthodox slava, or more accurately krsna slava, is a Serbian religious and national custom, observed by nearly all Serbs, regardless of their degree of religious piety. �e slava celebrates each family’s patron saint’s day and ostensibly commemorates the anniversary of their baptism into Christianity. �e slava is celebrated with feasting and a ritual involving a candle, a boiled wheat mixture known as Slavsko žito, a specially prepared bread or cake called Slavski kolač, and red wine. O�en the family a�ends services at church �rst and then the parish priest is welcomed in the home to bless the žito and the kolač and to light the slava candle. In most cases, family slavas are inherited by male descendants, while women celebrate the slavas of their husbands. However, if a married woman is the sole heir of her family, she may also celebrate her father’s slava. Some saints may have more than one “day.” In that case, one day is usually the main slava, and the second may be celebrated also but to a lesser degree as a “li�le slava” or preslava. Because slavas are such an important Serbian holiday, they are nearly always celebrated in some way, regardless of hardship or dangerous circumstances. Sporazum (“Agreement”): Document signed on August 20, 1939, by Croat leader Vladko Maček and Prime Minister Dragiša Cvetković, which granted Croatia extensive autonomy. Although the Agreement was far from perfect, it was an important �rst step in seeking to resolve the country’s national problem. St. Sava (1169–1236): First Serbian archbishop and most important saint in the Serbian Orthodox Church. Son of the founder of the Serbian state, Stefan Nemanja, he is especially 487

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Glossary associated with the virtues of self-sacri�ce and education and is the patron saint of Serbian schools. St. Sava Day is normally celebrated by all schoolchildren on January 27, according to the old Julian calendar, or January 14, using the new Gregorian calendar. St. Vitus Day/Vidovdan: June 28, perhaps the most important saint’s day for Serbian national history. It also falls on the anniversary of the 1389 Ba�le of Kosovo Polje between the Serbs and the O�oman Turks. Although the ba�le officially ended in a draw—as the leaders of both armies were killed—it essentially marks the beginning of O�oman rule over Serbia. According to Serbian national mythology, Serbian King Lazar sacri�ced himself in the battle so that Serbia might live, choosing for Serbia a heavenly kingdom over the earthly one. Vidovdan became therea�er a source of inspiration among Serbs, who saw in it evidence of the Serbs’ inherent willingness to sacri�ce themselves for their faith and nation and the certainty of national survival and resurrection despite conditions of extreme adversity. Šumadija: A region in central Serbia with its center in the city of Kragujevac. �e region is heavily forested, hence the name, which comes from šuma or forest. Šumadija Serbs always have considered themselves to be among the purest and best Serbs. Since Arandjelovac is in Šumadija, Natalija and her children were also Šumadija Serbs. Tatlije: A dish made with �our, bu�er, sour cream, eggs, and sugar. Tito, Josip Broz (1892–1980): Leader of the Community Party of Yugoslavia in the 1930s and of the Communist-led resistance movement, the Partisans, during the Second World War. A�er the war, he became the leader of the Socialist Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, holding a variety of positions including president and prime minister. Trans�guration: �e Feast of the Trans�guration, celebrated on August 6, one of the twelve great feasts of the liturgical calendar in the Orthodox Church. It commemorates Jesus’ trans�guration on a mountain as witnessed by Peter, James, and John and reported in the synoptic Gospels. Fruit is traditionally brought to church to be blessed on this day. Tripartite Pact: �e pact signed by Germany, Italy, and Japan on September 27, 1940, forming the alliance of the Axis Powers. It was subsequently signed by Hungary, Romania, Slovakia, and Bulgaria. Triple Entente: �e three major powers �ghting against the Central Powers in the First World War including the United Kingdom, France, and Russia. Ustasha: Croat fascists collaborating with Nazi Germany, best known for their extraordinarily brutal and genocidal policies toward the Serbian Orthodox minority in Croatia. Visitation of the Virgin: A feast celebrating the visit of the Virgin Mary to the pregnant Elizabeth. During this visit, she is said to have been �lled with the Holy Spirit. Willow Day: See Palm Sunday. Zadruga: A family-based communal organization typical of most South Slavic nations in the pre-modern era. It could be made up of as few as 10 or as many as 50 to 60 members. �e zadruga served a number of valuable moral, economic, and defensive functions. It began to dissolve, however, by the early nineteenth century, as the decline in warfare reduced the need for defense and the introduction of cash moved economies away from self-sufficient models and toward more market-based systems.

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Introduction

Bibliography

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Biblio graphy Vuletić, Aleksandra. Porodica u Srbiji sredinom 19. veka. Beograd: Službeni glasnik, 2002. —. “Vlast muškaraca, pokornost žena—izmedju ideologije i prakse” in Privatni život kod Srba u devetnaestom veku, eds. Ana Stolić and Nenad Makuljević. Beograd: CLIO, 2006, 112–32. Vuletić, Vitomir. “Ujedinjena Omladina Srpska i društveni položaj žene” in Srbija u modernizacijskim procesima 19. i 20. veka, Vol. 2: Položaj žena kao merilo modernizacije, ed. Latinka Perović. Beograd: Institut za noviju istoriju Srbije, 1998, 163–73. Wing�eld, Nancy, and Maria Bucur, eds. Gender and War in Twentieth-Century Eastern Europe. Bloomington: Indiana University Press, 2006. Wink, Amy L. She Le� Nothing in Particular: �e Autobiographical Legacy of 19th Century Women’s Diaries. Knoxville, Tenn.: University of Tennessee Press, 2001. Zinsser, Hans. Rats, Lice, and History. London: Papermac, 1985, c.1963.

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Introduction

Map Credits

Map 1. Serbia in 1881. Adapted from Dennis P. Hupchick and Harold E. Cox, �e Palgrave Concise Historical Atlas of the Balkans (New York: Palgrave/ St. Martin’s, 2001), Map 29. Map 2. Natalija’s Journey �rough Serbia. Map 3. Serbia During the First World War. Adapted from Dennis P. Hupchick and Harold E. Cox, �e Palgrave Concise Historical Atlas of the Balkans (New York: Palgrave/ St. Martin’s, 2001), Map 34. Map 4. Interwar Yugoslavia. Adapted from John R. Lampe, Yugoslavia as History: Twice �ere Was a Country (New York: Cambridge University Press, 1996), Map 4.1, p. 113. Map 5. Yugoslavia During the Second World War. Adapted from Dennis P. Hupchick and Harold E. Cox, �e Palgrave Concise Historical Atlas of the Balkans (New York: Palgrave/ St. Martin’s, 2001), Map 44. Map 6. Yugoslavia 1945–1991. From John K. Cox, �e History of Serbia (Westport, Conn.: Greenwood Press, 2002), p. 102.

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