How to talk to men

Citation preview

New York Times Best-Selling Author

Matthew Hussey

How to talk to

Men

59 Secret Scripts To Melt His Heart, Unlock What He’s Thinking, And Make Him Want To Be With You Forever

Contents My Techniques Worked for These Women, and They Will Work for You Too! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 Introduction - Speaking of Men… . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11

Part 1: How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction 1 – How to Get Men to Approach You Every Time: Body Language Secrets . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 2 – How to Start Talking to a Guy (With Zero Chance of Rejection) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24 3 – How to Approach a Guy Via Social Media . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30 4 – How to Flirt With a Guy You Just Met . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35 5 – How to Tell If He’s Into You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37 6 – How to Guarantee a Guy Swaps Numbers With You . . . . . . . . 41 7 – How to Know Who Should Text First . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 46 8 – How to Get Him to Ask You Out . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50 9 – How to Make Fascinating First Date Conversation That Keeps Him Coming Back for More . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53 10 – How to Blow it on a Date (What NOT to Say) . . . . . . . . . . . . 58 11 – How to Tease a Guy to Create Uncontrollable Desire . . . . . . . 61 12 – How to Use Touch to Drive Him Wild . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 70 13 – How to Flirt With a Work Colleague . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 72

14 – How to Text Him the Perfect Amount to Keep Him Wanting More . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 78 15 – How to Charm Him With Your Texts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 82 16 – How to Use Fun Texts to Get Him Thinking About You Non-Stop . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 90 17 – How to Get Him to Stop Texting and Just Call You Instead . . . 92 18 – How to Get Him to Stop Just Texting You and Actually Ask You on a Date . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100

Part 2: How to Talk to Men… To Build a Deep Connection 19 – How to Make Yourself the Woman He Wants to Do Everything With . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 105 20 – How to Have Great Conversations That He Doesn’t Want to End . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 108 21 – How to Get Him to Open Up . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 113 22 – How to Make a Man Fall in Love With Impressing You . . . . 120 23 – How to Be the Woman Who Endlessly Fascinates Him . . . . 125 24 – How to Make Him Feel Like a Man in 5 Simple Phrases . . . 132 25 – How to Get Him to Express His Emotions to You . . . . . . . . 136 26 – How to Make Him Feel More at Home With You Than Any Other Woman . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 143 27 – How to Make Your Man Feel Amazing With Compliments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 147 28 – How to Make Him Feel Needed By You (So He Won’t Ever Need Any Other Woman) . . . . . . . . . . . . 155 29 – How to Make Him Melt With This Clever Bragging Technique . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 159

Part 3: How to Talk to Men… So They’ll Change Their Bad Behavior 30 – How to Respond to the Late Night Booty Call in a High Value Way . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 165 31 – How to Respond to His “Sexting” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 169 32 – How to Slow Down His Sexual Advances and Make Him Even More Attracted to You in the Process . . . . 174 33 – How to Respond to Last Minute Date Requests . . . . . . . . . . 177 34 – How to Get Him to Change His Bad Behavior: 6 Powerful Techniques . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 181 35 – How to Rekindle His Interest After He Disappears . . . . . . . 198 36 – How to Get Him to Pay Attention to You When He’s “Too Busy” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 200

Part 4: How to Talk to Men… The Hard Questions 37 – How to Ask if He’s Single (Without Looking Desperate) . . . 209 38 – How to Show You’ve Got Options (and Make Yourself Even More Desirable) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 214 39 – How to Know When (and How Much) to Open Up About Your Past . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 220 40 – How to Answer When He Says: “How Many Men Have You Slept With?” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 224 41 – How to Answer The Question: “Why Are You Still Single?” . . . 231

Part 5: How to Talk to Men… About Sex 42 – How to Have the Condom Conversation (Without it Being Awkward) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 237 43 – How to Get Him to Have Sex the Way YOU Want . . . . . . . . 242 44 – How to Keep the Sexual Spark Alive (So He Doesn’t Look Anywhere Else) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 253 45 – How to Turn Him On Even When You’re Apart . . . . . . . . . . 257

Part 6: How to Talk to Men… In an Argument 46 – How to Approach Serious Topics With a Man Without Coming Off as Threatening . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 261 47 – How to Express Your Frustrations to a Man . . . . . . . . . . . . . 264 48 – How to Communicate that You’re Unhappy With His Behavior . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 268 49 – How to Have Arguments That Strengthen (Instead Of Ruin) Your Relationship . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 271 50 – How to Diffuse an Argument: 7 Foolproof Techniques . . . . 276

Part 7: How to Talk to Men… About Commitment 51 – How to Ask if He Is Seeing Other Women . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 285 52 – How to Answer if He Asks Whether You’re Dating Someone Else . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 288 53 – How to Know if You Are a Couple . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 291 54 – How to Show Him You Are in Demand: 3 Simple Techniques . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 295

55 – How to Use Sneaky Psychology to Raise Your Value in His Eyes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 300 56 – How to Make Yourself His Partner, Not Just His Hookup: 5 Powerful Phrases . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 305 57 – How to Ask Him if You Are Exclusive . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 315

Part 8: How to Talk to Men… in a Relationship 58 – How to Get on His Mom’s Good Side . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 321 59 – How to Handle the ‘Other Women’ In His World . . . . . . . . . 325 60 – How to React When He Says He “Needs Space” . . . . . . . . . . 336 61 – How to Deal With His Bad Habits at Home . . . . . . . . . . . . . 342 62 – How to Know When to Say “I Love You” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 349 63 – How to Bring Up Marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 357 Final Thoughts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 363 Glossary . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 365 Key for Colours: Blue

– Key idea or concept

Green – Script to use Red

– Don’t say this

You’re In Good Company… Since 2009 I have been fortunate enough to have become the go-to relationship expert for celebrities, royalty, TV, radio, magazines and newspapers, and millions of women just like you. Rest assured, what you have here is the most trusted dating advice to get you the love life you deserve, fast!

















My Techniques Worked for These Women, and They Will Work for You Too! ‘We’re Engaged!’ “You gave me so much confidence because I felt like you really understood me and the mistakes I was making. After a few weeks I worked up the courage to start a conversation. I just have to tell you I was so tickled with myself for not overreacting and immediately planning out our future!! I focused myself in the here and now and just being my awesome sexy self I always wanted to be. As it turns out, we had a lot in common and in three conversations he asked me out. I used the tips for the areas I knew I needed help with, but while I was focusing solely on date to date, it turned out HE was the one thinking about our future. We’ve now been together for 7 months and engaged for two of those!!!!!! :) And of course you’re invited to our wedding if you can make it!” - Amanda

‘The Texts Worked!’ “I tried your texts........the “yawwwwwn” one when he only talks about being busy at work........the “this burger almost tasted better than sex!”. They work! Matthew Hussey    1

How To Talk To Men    59 Secret Scripts

I am happily dating the best guy ever! We met on Match.com and you helped me get things to the next level!!! Best thing so far this year was discovering the great relationship perspectives of Matthew Hussey!” - Genevieve

‘I Have 3 Dates Within 1 Week Of Using Your Skills’ “I’m 54 and have 3 jobs so I thought I had no time for men and so had no men around. Then as my last child was 17, I wanted to get back into the scene and had no idea how. You showed me how to make time to look in the right places. So, within one week of using the skills I learned and actively used, this weekend I have 3 dates and had to turn 2 away. So I went from 4 years with nothing, to more than I can see. To other women out there I would say, give the advice in the program a try. Try to believe in yourself and approach guys with the skills learned - it gets easier as you work with your own voice and confident body language.” - Polly

‘A Common Sense Approach’ “Just wanted to say a big thank you for all of your advice. In truth, there are dozens of sources out there that claim to know what they are talking about, but your program has been really beneficial. I am a psychologist that has worked with various people with various issues, but it has taken me a while to sort out the romantic relationships in my own life.

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My Techniques Worked for These Women, and They Will Work for You Too!

Your common sense, practical approach has helped me to be in an amazing relationship that I have been in for four months now. He is great and different from any other relationship I have ever been in, in a good way. Your advice to never settle helped me with this.” - Corina

‘I Met My Mr. Right’ “So there I was clock ticking and me going into my 36th year with no clue as to how I was going to attract the next love in my life and, better yet, how to attract Mr. Right. I started out doing what most women do. I hit the dating sites and went on endless coffee-dates meeting nice guys and a couple of dogs too (even married ones looking for excitement - a fact they only disclose after the fact). Being of a persistent nature I refused to let this get me down and I searched the internet to find out how to meet the right guys and I came across your advice. I met my Mr. Right and Paul is the type of man I only used to dream about as I always thought he and his kind would go for some model type. He is fun, handsome, inspiring, kind, goodhearted, successful, well educated, wealthy and brave!” - Hanna

‘I’m Ending Up With Date Invites Left, Right And Center’ “Your advice is working so well that I’m ending up with date invites left, right and center. For example, last night this UK guy got my number and he just texted me this morning to go for dinner, this Italian guy at the gym Matthew Hussey    3

How To Talk To Men    59 Secret Scripts

keeps coming over and asking me what I’m up to over the weekend, another Czech guy and I actually went on a few dates, we kissed and all but before it got any further, I had to make up some white lie to say sorry buddy, it’s best we don’t take this any further. Then I had a French and a South African guy ask me out on Facebook after I met them at some event and, again, I had to say no. And there have been more! And this all happened within the last few weeks. I’m having SO MUCH FUN meeting new men. And I’m also feeling SO much better about life and my love life in particular. I’m divorced, 36. As much as I get out and do sports and meet people, I hadn’t done it in the way you suggested (as frequently or as well!) and now I’m totally enjoying it and feeling very positive. So… THANK YOU MATT! Honestly, you’ve changed my life already.” - Huenu

‘In The Last Three Days Two Guys Gave Me Their Numbers!’ “I am having such great fun flirting and having better conversations. I also joined my local walking group and on my first walk I worked the group and had a lot of attention. I had a great conversation with a guy I liked where I set him the task of advising me on the walk to do on my 40th birthday (Striding Edge or Scafell Pike). He said ‘that is a great question!’ and then went on to tell me his alltime favorite walk, so I guess he associated me with good thoughts at that point in time. In the last three days, two guys gave me their numbers!” - Claire 4     Matthew Hussey

My Techniques Worked for These Women, and They Will Work for You Too!

‘I Already Have 4 Guys Pursuing Me’ “OMG Matthew Hussy, you just made a monster! I’ve been in this course only for 2 weeks and I already have 4 guys pursuing me. I don’t know how to deal with this! Now I need to learn how to tell a guy that I’m not that interested without hurting their feelings.” - Barbara

‘I Feel Freer And More Empowered’ “I used the tips on flirting and being more sociable, playing a new role, trying things out and communicating with guys like never before. I met new people, I had new relationships and came up against some huge life lessons in the process. In the last few weeks I have had more male and female attention than I’ve ever gotten in my life. I feel freer and more empowered about myself than ever before. I have made peace with so many parts of myself and come to like myself and love myself more than I ever had before. I see that I am able to be kind, encouraging, loving and fun to be around and I’m getting so much affirmation of this. I’ve made so many new friends and awakened old friendships.” - Rebecca

‘In Less Than A Week I Can Already See A Tremendous Improvement’ “In less than a week of applying your lessons I can already see a tremendous improvement in how men react to me and vice versa.

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How To Talk To Men    59 Secret Scripts

I am going out with a few guys off and on, and there is one in particular that stands out. He and I are both very into our jobs (he has 2, and I juggle 3). Last week, we had made tentative plans to get together Thursday, but that didn’t work out, so we tried Friday, and that didn’t work out either. I felt very “put off ” at the last minute (we had said 8pm and he bailed on me at about 7:45pm) and I was crushed. I thought it was his roundabout way of telling me that he wasn’t interested. He attempted to contact me around 9pm that same night, but I ignored his call (because I was out with another guy who had called me earlier that day for drinks), and chose not to call him back because I was still feeling hurt and rejected. I watched and listened to all of your videos again. And one of my high-value girlfriends told me “He WILL call you.” And he did Thursday morning. Normally, I would be a bit bitchy and snarky with someone who had treated me so ‘horribly.’ But I was determined to do something I had never done before. I was as sweet as you could possibly imagine. And it turns out that things went absolutely haywire at his second job, and his entire weekend was a mess. We talked about getting together the next day. The conversation was absolutely fantastic. I hung up with an entirely different frame of mind. Later that afternoon I was surprised when he called me again and said, “I can’t wait until tomorrow - what are you doing tonight?” I was very pleasantly shocked. Guys never call me and say those sorts of things. We met for a terrific dinner and catch-up last night, and still have plans for tonight. He really is one of these ‘good guys,’ you know? In the past I always screw up the good things, but not this time.

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My Techniques Worked for These Women, and They Will Work for You Too!

I still can’t believe he called me and said that. Never in my life has a man ever said that to me. Amazing. It never would have happened without you. Thank you, thank you, thank you times a million!” - Carolyn

‘I’m Dating A Man Beyond My Wildest Dreams’ “I met a guy who I never thought would be attracted to me in my wildest dreams as ‘I had chosen him’ so to speak. He is the type of guy I would want to introduce to my family and even possibly marry. I began speaking to him and now we have been dating for several weeks. I have been asking questions in order to see his values (and whether they are in line with mine) and have been able to really get to know him before becoming intimate and starting a relationship. I look forward to continuing to grow and be the best possible person I can be… And having a relationship I never could have dreamed of.” - Janelle

‘I Now Feel A Lot More Powerful’ “Thanks to your advice, I somehow started meeting people. Now looking back they were always around but I didn’t engage with them. I started becoming braver about reaching out to people. Through your really simple trick of asking people ‘why’ instead of the standard getting to know you questions, I got into some really good conversations and made real connections. Eventually I started connecting people with each other and hosting events. Now I’m meeting people (including new guys) all the time. People reach out to me and introduce me to others. I’m currently a very proud ‘hub.’ Matthew Hussey    7

How To Talk To Men    59 Secret Scripts

I’m still single but I feel totally different than I’ve felt before. I’m interacting with guys differently. I’ve become more flirty. Where before I’d diffuse sexual tension any chance I’d get, now I just let it sit there and probably for the first time in my life I understand what it means when people say ‘I have chemistry with someone.’ I’ve also been treated in a non-‘friend zone’ way by more guys than ever before. I now feel a lot more powerful - like I actually can do something to end up in a relationship. And I have hope.” - Tala

‘I Was Extremely Shy With Men’ “I am an introvert and am extremely shy when it comes to interacting with men I find attractive. The other night I was out to dinner with my friend and I saw an attractive man having dinner at the bar. I decided to order my drink at the bar instead of getting it from the waitress at our table just so I could grab the chance to talk to the guy. OK, that decision in and of itself is so much progress for me. Guess what? I used the strategies that I learned from you and struck up a conversation with the guy. I brought out my feminine and flirty self, which I used to be too shy to show. I cannot describe the ego boost I got from the success of this interaction. He flirted back and we had a great chat. It was awesome. Now I feel more empowered and more confident than ever. I look for opportunities to interact with men - even if it’s just to practice my new skills.

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My Techniques Worked for These Women, and They Will Work for You Too!

Thank you, Matthew. I know that I am allowing myself to blossom into the confident and feminine woman I know I am and that very exciting things are in the making now.” - Megan

‘A Favorite Of Mine Is The Fantasy Dialogue Texting’ “A favorite of mine is using the whole fantasy dialogue in texting. It really gets a guy thinking about you in a different way. I’ve been putting into practice so many of the things you’ve taught me that I can fill up every night with a date.” - Illana

‘I Got Married!’ “I implemented all you taught me strictly. Little did I know that on May 3rd I met the love of my life. On October 4th, we got married. My husband and I are very happy together, and I also find that your advice is great for married life. Keep up your great work.” - Mo

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Introduction Speaking of Men… I owe everything I have in life to learning how to talk. Scratch that. Everyone learns how to talk. What I really have to thank for any success I achieved in my twenties is mastery of communication. I wish they had taught me how important this would be at school. I wish my teachers ingrained in me how crucial it would be in life to learn the powers of influence, charm, and the importance of being able to move others with communication. Except my teachers didn’t teach me those kinds of skills. No one did. I didn’t take any classes on public speaking, nor was I schooled on social dynamics, nor did I attend lectures about the art of influence and its importance in business, relationships and just about every part of life. But quickly I realized how much these skills mattered, and I knew I had to take matters into my own hands and school myself on the most difficult subject of all: People.

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How To Talk To Men    59 Secret Scripts

How I Discovered the Secrets of ‘Male Thinking’ As a teenager I feverishly read books by seduction gurus, body language experts, master salespeople and charismatic speakers to absorb the secrets I yearned to possess about social savviness. In an odd turn of events, towards the end of university, having spectacularly blown my chances of the corporate job of my dreams (that’s a story for another time), I realized I had to take some action towards a future very quickly. My degree in Property Management was beginning to look more than a little useless, especially since I had decided that what I really wanted to be was a public speaker. But how did one even go about that? I had no idea how to get started, and had no role models to teach me what to do next. In my hunger for experience (and rent money…and food), I approached about the only people willing to hire a 21 year old with no real expertise: a cohort of male seduction gurus or “Pick-Up Artists” in London, who were looking for someone to teach guys of all ages about confidence with women. The male pick-up business is now a global industry, but at the time this was a tiny company who could barely afford to pay any of its speakers. Couple that with my young age and lack of experience and I was left with little choice but to offer my services for free, working on weekends and having little more to show for it than a 30 minute a week slot to fulfill my dream of speaking in public. It wasn’t glamorous, but it felt like I had hit the jackpot at the time. Even scoring that job as an unpaid intern was a test of everything I had ever taught myself about salesmanship and confidence. Ask any 21 year old trying to get their foot in the door today and they’ll

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Introduction - Speaking of Men…

tell you just how hard the struggle is to be allowed to step on even the first rung of a ladder you actually want to climb! But now I had my start, even if it was a small one. Unbeknownst to my friends, I began secretly sneaking off from my university campus at weekends to deliver seminars to help small rooms of eight guys. I would trudge up to London every Saturday to give 30-minute speeches, for no money, to help men of all stripes who wanted to meet women, get laid, and find a girlfriend (everyone has to start somewhere right?). My geeky teenage hobby of reading books on communication was finally paying off. It wasn’t exactly how I pictured my future life as a soon-to-be professional university graduate, but it was the perfect place to take all those years of learning about social dynamics and put them into practice. In that time I spoke to hundreds of men. I learnt what men wanted long-term and why they spend so much time thinking about being attractive to women. I learnt why they find some women sexy and what turned a casual fling into their ‘dream girl’. I learnt why guys stop calling women after two dates, even if they had a good time. I learnt what made a woman “The One”. I was hooked on the science of attraction. Intoxicated with the subtle art of communication. As I worked with these guys, many would come up to me after seminars and share their stories. I began to see patterns of behavior that I never noticed previously. They would tell me about problems with their previous girlfriends – they shared their frustrations, their annoyances, the traits that they found so unbearable it caused them

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How To Talk To Men    59 Secret Scripts

to leave a relationship of over four or five or ten years and opt for the single life again. I always knew that there was more to attraction than long-term physical beauty. I always knew that relationships had to be built on more than mutual sexual desire and a shared passion for The Walking Dead. And I soon realized how much all relationships, from beginning to end, came down to simple, tiny and observable acts of communication. Just think about it for a second. Communication is what makes you confused in the early stages as to whether or not a guy likes you. Poor communication explains why couples can have the same conversation over and over again and still not understand their partner’s needs. If we express ourselves badly, we upset people, or fail to express honestly what was really bothering us. We can repeat the same bad behaviors over and over again, simply because we never learnt the best approach to expressing how we feel.

My Aim In This E-Book In many ways, this is the simplest and most direct program I’ve ever done. I thought to myself: what if I could handle all those questions I get bombarded with during my seminars and share them with as many women as possible? There are two things I’ve become an expert on after eight years of giving seminars: how to communicate, and what men want.

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Introduction - Speaking of Men…

I now want to combine this knowledge base I’ve acquired and distill it down to the essential tools you need to have any conversation with a guy, at any time, without fear of what to say or how to say it. You might want to get a cup of coffee before we begin. We have a lot to talk about.

Matthew Hussey    15

Pa rt 1

How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction

Chapter 1 How to Get Men to Approach You Every Time: Body Language Secrets There is a misconception that spreads around women in the dating world, and it is perhaps one of the most oft-repeated myths about men: If he liked you, he would come over and talk to you. No, he wouldn’t. Women are intimidating creatures. That might sound silly. You might read that and wonder where all the men with balls have disappeared to. But I should make it clear now: yes, there are men who approach women all day long. But they are rare. And they are not always the best kind of men. Some men of course are confident, wonderful, and will happily approach you to get your number if they want to take you out. But many guys will not.

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How To Talk To Men    59 Secret Scripts

Secret About Men There is a huge cohort of men who would approach a woman, but need just 10% more certainty that she will respond positively.

This is very easily done. There are a few quick ways you can make it five times as likely that a guy will summon the courage to say something:

•• Eye contact It’s boring, obvious, and everyone says it, but you’re a fool if you think this is too basic. Locking eyes with a man, even if just for one second, is the single easiest way to telegraph a flash of interest from across the room. Studies have shown that just meeting your eyes makes it much more likely a man will feel safe coming over to say something. What’s more, do NOT think it’s enough to make eye contact just once. The second and third look are even more important than the first. It’s these extra looks that really give him the confidence to come over and say hi. Look over at him multiple times and make sure to smile if you lock eyes with him. This is the absolute best way to make a guy feel like you want him to talk to you. Few women do this enough and it’s so ridiculously effective that making a habit of this one step alone will completely revolutionize your dating life. Eye contact and smile. That’s all it takes for a magic meeting to happen.

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Part 1    How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction

•• Don’t huddle in a group When you’re out at a party with friends, keep your stance open and resist the tendency to flock together with your group in a tight, closed circle that no man can enter into. Stay open to people outside the group and you’ll find guys will be less uneasy about approaching, because you’ll look like you are happy to be approached.

•• Show you are open to engaging other people nearby Chat to bar staff. Ask the guy next to you what he’s drinking. Talk to others in the queue. Show that you are the sociable one in the place, and you will make yourself seem approachable. It helps if when you talk to these people you still look over at him. It lets him know that there is some special connection you are feeling with him in the moment. If someone other than the guy you like approaches you, make sure you are warm and open to them too. The guy you’re checking out will see if you are dismissive to others and judge you accordingly, so don’t be mean to people in front of him.

•• Make an effort when your friends speak to other people Don’t be the one who hovers in the background when others engage you and your group of friends. Ask questions, be positive, and show curiosity. This will make you seem like the approachable person that offers easy conversation and positive energy.

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Remember, try not to get stuck into deep conversation with some other guy, or else you might scare your favored target off if he thinks that you’re interested in another guy. Men don’t like competition with other men. It usually makes them do nothing and it will stop him from approaching. From this perspective, you need to remember to break away from new people and show yourself moving around and talking to lots of different people (which gives him more chance of getting you into conversation).

•• “The Wave” (Warning: This is direct!) One final way to get a guy to come over is “The Wave”. Here’s what you do: Step 1 – Make eye contact with a guy Step 2 – Trade a smile or two Step 3 – Wave him over to you with your hand That’s right, you physically gesture for the guy to come over, not with words, but with a “come here!” gesture. It’s crucial to do this in the right way. Don’t be making a sexy “come hither” motion with one finger as though you’re acting in a ridiculous porn film. Just wave him over in a cute way. This takes a pinch of confidence, but it will get nearly any guy to actually come over for a conversation. Plus, there’s nothing to lose. If he doesn’t, you’ve lost nothing. Remember: men are constantly looking for permission to approach you.

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All of these ways make it so much easier for a guy to do what he wanted to do in the first place, which is find a reason to move his butt from the other side of the room to come and meet you!

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Chapter 2 How to Start Talking to a Guy (With Zero Chance of Rejection) This one is really easy. If you’ve been staring at a guy for God knows how long, neither of you have done anything about it, and now he’s about to leave, this is what to do… When that attractive guy you’ve been looking at is about to walk out of the bar you are in, simply say: “Why are you leaving?!”

This can be said in a couple of ways. If you really want to be cute: you can say it in a pouty way to show that you are a little sad he’s going. Or you can do it in an “I can’t believe you are already leaving, it’s so fun in here” kind of a way. If you’re thinking to yourself: “How could I possibly say that to someone I don’t even know?” your head is still in the wrong place. Attraction favors the bold, and the people who can speak up and say something that shows a little confidence and cheekiness are far more likely to meet interesting and attractive people. The whole point of this line is that it seems to suggest the two of you know each other better than you actually do. It bypasses the 24     Matthew Hussey

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unimportant small-talk phase of an interaction (“Hi, how’s your day?” etc.). Think about it from his point of view. What might he say in response? “Because my friends all left me!” “Because my friends are leaving now.” “Because I’m supposed to be meeting people at this other venue.” If he’s quick-witted he may even get cheeky back and say: “Well why aren’t you coming with me?” Or he may be forward and confident and say: “Because I’m supposed to be meeting my friends at this other venue. You should come, it’s supposed to be great.” Can you see how quickly this bypasses the awkward ‘do we like each other’ phase? It’s a little speed-seduction hack that cuts straight to the point: ‘I like you and I’m not happy that you are leaving and we haven’t had a chance to talk to each other.’ From his side he gets one last chance to speak to you before he leaves, which he’ll really appreciate if he’s been looking at you all night but just hasn’t thought of the right thing to say. One more thing: don’t think this only works at night. It’s just as effective to use this in the daytime, if you’re feeling brave that is. Let’s say you’ve been staring at someone in a coffee shop for ten minutes while sat drinking a cappuccino. There’s been some flirtation with your eyes, but all of a sudden he gets up to leave. You could say:

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“Aww you’re leaving already… why?”

He can then say, “Ha - because I’m late for work!” or whatever else he needs to respond. But the line gives him a chance to say: “but why don’t we exchange numbers so we can talk another time?” You’ll be amazed at the immediate results this line leads to. Get your courage in gear and try it already!

The Magic of the Simple Favor As a shy kid I remember that I would be willing to do anything to impress a girl. I would imagine myself coming to the rescue of one particular girl from school, having fantasies that I would do some daring, brave, heroic act that would make her swoon at my unwavering determination to protect her from harm. Men grow up with this mentality that they can do great deeds to win the hearts of women. It never really goes away. Guys live to serve you in a way that most men will never admit, and most women will never understand. So regularly women ask me how they can open a conversation with a guy. Little do they know there are eight simple words that will appeal to a guy’s desire to help and gain his attention every time. They are: “I could really use your help with something…”

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For example, if you say: “I could really use your help with something: Can you hold my jacket for two seconds while I give these drinks to my friends?”

No guy is ever going to refuse this. (If he ever does, run!) Once you’ve given the drinks to your friends, turn back to him, take your jacket back, and say: “Thanks so much. How’s your night going?”

Now you’ve got an easy way to get his attention without making it seem like you approached him at all. These favors can come in more subtle forms too. For example: In a restaurant: “I need your help. Do I get the steak or the sushi here? Do you know what’s good?”

You can also say: “Have you been here before? What’s the best thing to order?”

At a coffee shop: “I need to ask you something. Have you tried that new Frappuccino? Is it good?”

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In a bar: “Do you know where is good to go around here after this?” (This gives him an opening to get your number and text you from where he is afterwards if it’s good.)

In the day: “I’m new to this area. Can you tell me anywhere that’s good for breakfast around here?”

At the lunch place: “Could you make sure no-one steals this table while I go to the restroom?”

Now, am I saying you always need a favor as an excuse to meet a guy? Of course not. Sometimes you’ll just be at a party and you’ll see a guy you want to talk to. In this kind of scenario you can be more forward and just ask him how he knows the host. If it feels unnatural for you to talk to guys out of the blue, it’s important you get used to making conversation wherever you happen to be. This way it becomes more normal and you’ll always have ‘warmed up’ social muscles. Do whatever it takes to get yourself in that state. Hang out with your most sociable friends and let their openness rub off on you. Make sure you converse with service staff and make it a point to 28     Matthew Hussey

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have a conversation with the guy who serves your coffee, the waiter at the cocktail bar, the staff at airports, grocery stores, book shops. Be the person who asks for recommendations, or who asks someone how their day is going. Having these conversations will seem small, but enough of them will allow you to get used to those nerves that build up when you have new social interactions. For some readers this kind of gregarious social interaction will seem like the most natural thing in the world. For others, it’s going to feel tougher at first, but if you push through this barrier, you will experience incredible results in your love life. Like I said, if you have sociable friends who seem to do this naturally, get proximity to them and you’ll find it easy to be open and approach people with others who share the same attitude. But remember, there’s no substitute for taking your own action and learning how to handle social pressure.

Try this mission today: Start three conversations with different guys by asking for a recommendation, how their day is going, or for a favor.

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Chapter 3 How to Approach a Guy Via Social Media Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tinder… as Justin Timberlake’s character says in The Social Network, “First we lived on farms, then we lived in cities, and now we’re going to live on the Internet!” Okay, maybe you don’t exactly live online. But more of us are choosing to date and find romance in the digital world than ever before. Are the rules of social interaction different on the Internet? Not exactly. But there are rules of etiquette for approaching someone via social networking, and it pays to know a few going in. 1. Approach, but approach gently Anonymity online is a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing because it allows you to speak to a guy without taking a huge social risk, and even if you get ignored or rejected, you can be comfortable that you’ll probably never see that guy in person. The curse is that online it’s hard to build trust.

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You don’t know him, he doesn’t know you, and you both don’t know at first if you are who you say you are. You could be a weird stalker, he could be a creep. Neither of you know for sure. Which is why you should start small. Let’s say you add a friend of a friend on Facebook. You can only get in touch online because you have no phone number to contact this guy. What’s your strategy? First, get his attention in a low-key way. Start by just ‘liking’ one or two of his pictures. He’ll get a notification and be aware of your presence and can decide whether he wants to get to know you better. Be smart about the photos you choose to like. Maybe it’s a photo of him with his friends about to jump out of an airplane. Here you can say: “Wow, that’s brave of you” or “I’ve always wanted to do that”. It allows for him to see a little of your personality without even having an initial conversation with you. Some other photos you might like: - Photo of him with his family - Him doing something with friends - Him out of the country - Him playing a sport or doing an activity. This doesn’t mean go back 52 weeks in his photo archive to find them... you don’t want to seem like a strange person who spent 20 minutes on his page. Go for recent photos. If he doesn’t post that often, just don’t scroll down 100 photos! Also remember you only need to like a couple - 3 or 4 at most. Any more is overkill. Matthew Hussey    31

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Now, his profile has to be public in order for you to start liking photos, but you could still request him. Just keep your initial approach very small, as it would be weird for him to see a ton of activity from a woman he’s never met before. 2. Add guys who share something in common with you Can you add a guy as a friend if you don’t know him? In general, I advise against doing this on Facebook until you’ve met him at least once in person. If, however, you happen to share something in common, like you both go to the same university or work in a similar field, then you have a good excuse to add him as a friend that doesn’t seem like it’s for romantic reasons (after all, it’s called social networking for a reason). 3. Send a short, non-committal message Once you add that guy from work or college, or that friend of a friend you said hello to at a party, you can send a message. But keep this very short and sweet. Just think of it as taking a small chance. Don’t ask a ton of probing questions that sound like you’re fishing for info or gossip on his life. Ask him about one detail of his profile. If you see pictures of his trip to Kenya last year, and you have also been, ask him in your message:

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“What did you think of Nairobi? I went a few years ago and safari was one of the best things I’ve ever done.”

Keep it as small and simple as that. Alternatively, see what TV shows he has liked, or hobbies, or some detail about the industry or college you both work in. For example, if he’s a literature student at college, ask if he’s going to the book fair this week, or the poetry reading next Tuesday. You might also say something about a mutual friend: “How hilarious was [insert friends name]’s Halloween Costume last year?” “Does ______ make you dance with her too?” “I know ______ from school... did you go to ______ as well? I don’t remember seeing you around.”

Again, I must stress here not to go too far into stalking territory. This is why you must keep the message brief. The less you say, the more it looks like you just casually noticed a detail on his profile and dashed off a quick “hello” in passing. If he responds with a question or two, it means he’s interested and wants to keep the conversation going. We’re going to come onto the steps for this in the texting chapters in this guide, but for now: keep it fun and positive, not too much back and forth, and don’t message all day. Since you approached this guy online, let him be the one to take the reins with arranging a one-on-one meeting. Feel free to ask him

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if he’s going to the party next week, but don’t ask him to meet you one-on-one: leave that ball in his court. Lastly, don’t hesitate. If you are interested in someone, go for it. Be the confident woman you either are or want to be. And remember, men like being approached just as much as women do.

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Chapter 4 How to Flirt With a Guy You Just Met I remember being out one sunny evening in Los Angeles. After flirtatiously exchanging eye contact with a woman in the same bar, we began talking. Thirty minutes later we were still in conversation, having a great time, laughing, being sarcastic and teasing each other. She was witty and playful and clearly very intelligent. While I was talking I caught her looking over at a man and a woman standing together. She then looked back at me, cutting off my sentence to say: “Awwwww, you never do that to me!” clearly referring to something that was going on between the couple. I looked over and the guy was groping the ass of the woman he was with, obviously and publicly. Both of them appeared to be very drunk. I immediately began laughing, both at her funny observation and her role-play in which we had known each other a lot longer than thirty minutes (in her words: “you never do that to me”). The fact that she could say it about a drunken moment between two people who were sloppy and all over each other when the two of us were sober and composed made her extremely attractive to me. But then again, someone with a sense of irony is sexy to me.

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You can apply this same technique when you are on the phone to a guy for the first time. Let’s say you’ve been talking online to each other, and have for the first time gotten to the point of a phone call. You hope it’ll turn into a date and ask him: “How are you? Anything fun or interesting happening for you this week?” (Not a bad question to ask at the beginning of a conversation while we are on the subject… it is specific and forces him to draw attention to the more interesting events of the week instead of eliciting the vague, “yeah, I’ve had a good week” type of response.) He says: “It’s been a great week! I actually just went to see the new Avengers last night. It was SO good.” You can playfully and ironically respond in your most endearing and cute voice: “Awwww, you never take me to the movies!”

The whole point of this is that it’s a premature thing to say. That’s what makes it ironic (and endearing). You’ve never even been on a date with him, and you’re telling him something he’s never done for you in a way that suggests he is at fault. Adorable, and great for creating fun exchanges even with people you barely know. So long as his own wit can keep up, you’ll likely get a response like: “I’m so sorry! How awful of me. You must forgive me. We’ll go, I promise!” Now you have a fun little role play on your hands (which might just switch from a joke to reality before you know it). 36     Matthew Hussey

Chapter 5 How to Tell If He’s Into You

Secret About Men We men are not subtle creatures. When we like someone, we give very obvious signals, far more so than the subtle hints women drop that leave us perplexed about whether you’re interested or not!

Here are some of the un-subtle behaviors a man will exhibit around the woman he fancies. 1. He keeps looking over His eyes go where his heart most wants them to. If he likes you, a guy won’t be able to help himself from looking constantly in your direction, if not right at you. He probably won’t hide it very well either. 2. He’ll try to get proximity The women we desire are like catnip. We just can’t help moving closer and closer to you.

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If he repeatedly sits near you, stands close to you, attempts to be in the same room as you, or tries to make sure you’re both on the same bus, it’s because he wants you to notice him. Maybe you move to the other side of the room and suddenly he appears five minutes later. Yeah… that means he likes you. 3. He’ll find excuses to interact with you If he hears you talk about a movie with your friends in conversation, he’ll find you after a bit and say: “Oh, did you say you love Martin Scorsese films? I do too! Have you seen The Wolf Of Wall Street?”

Or maybe you’re all in a big group eating dinner. If a guy likes you in that group, he’ll ask what you’re thinking of ordering from the menu. Basically, he’ll find any reason to make conversation when he’s in your vicinity. 4. He’s curious to know your world Guys who like you will want to know little details: how many siblings you have, what you do for work, how often you go home, where you’re from, what you studied in school – no detail is too small for a guy who wants to be a part of your world. Guys who aren’t interested will keep things very superficial, as frankly, they probably aren’t very interested in more than a brief chat before talking to someone else. A guy who likes you will ask a lot of questions. 5. He’ll make plans to spend more time together 38     Matthew Hussey

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Does he plan for something else, ask for your number, or does he call you later to arrange something? When men are attracted, they’ll usually want to make sure they stay in touch and have plans for the next time they’ll see you. (However, I should point out that some men have the ‘potential’ to be attracted to you, they just haven’t reached that point yet, which is why they aren’t asking you out. We’ll talk later about generating attraction through your texts to get him to ask you out). 6. He’ll talk about things you could do together When you tell him about a film you want to go and see, does he say he wants to see it too and hint at seeing it together? Does he offer to show you places/restaurants in your city? These are all signs that he wants more than just friendship, especially if he talks about doing it as just the two of you. 7. He’ll find reasons to touch you Does he playfully touch you/hug you? Even a high five can show he is trying to establish physical contact. He will likely touch your arm, or put his hand on the small of your back when you walk in front. Does he ever put his arms around you? That’s also a sign he wants to be close. 8. He’ll lean in He’ll try hard to lean in and listen to everything you’re saying. You’ll also see he puts a lot of effort into his answers when he talks, and he’ll try to share more than normal. 9. He’s attentive Matthew Hussey    39

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He’ll want to make sure you’re not cold, or ask if you want another drink, or make sure you have a cab home. 10. He’ll give specific compliments Rather than generic “you look nice” compliments, he’ll tell you how much fun he’s having, or tell you how cute your smile is, or how you have an incredible energy about you. 11. He’ll smile a lot Because any time spent in your company is company he enjoys. 12. He’ll get lost in your eyes He will make prolonged eye contact when you talk, and have a look of being ‘lost’ in your eyes, as though he’s hanging on every word (or not listening at all). 13. He’ll be more excitable Not in a sexual way, but in his general energy level. He’ll always have energy to do more in your presence, like a dog that has just seen his owner in the driveway. Look for signs of nerves, fidgeting, or lots of smiling and laughing at your jokes. AND… If he’s not into you? If he isn’t interested, a guy will be scanning the room, not paying attention, not really listening to anything you say or probing further with deeper questions. He’ll talk at you, not to you. He’ll be extremely controlled all the time. He’ll keep looking for his friends and allow silences to linger without picking up conversation.

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Chapter 6 How to Guarantee a Guy Swaps Numbers With You Getting someone’s number typically feels like a man’s game.

Secret About Men The problem is, most men aren’t very good at it. We fumble through conversations, barely concentrating on what we are saying because we are too busy to assess the right time and the perfect line to get your number, all while trying to come across as casual and relaxed.

No man will ever be angry for you making this step a little easier. This doesn’t mean doing the work for him, it just means making things run smoother. Here are some simple techniques for progressing to the number exchange: 1. “You and your friends seem fun. We should all hang out sometime.”

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This is clearly very casual. When exiting the conversation, it’s an easy thing to say as a sign off. It takes the pressure off as well, because it doesn’t sound like just you and him going on a date (yet!). The message you are sending is: “You guys are cool, we are cool, and us cool people should all get together.” Obviously the natural place for him to go after this is to ask for your number so that he can make this happen. Make sure to leave the gap for him to do this, and don’t do it for him. 2. “You want to learn salsa too? Okay, well it seems obvious we should learn together.” (Said in a playful way)

Whenever something comes up that you BOTH want to do, it’s a great time to talk playfully about doing it together. What I’ve written above may seem forward, but it can actually be used with someone you’ve just met because it’s humorous. BUT, it does send a subtle message that you are okay with the idea of seeing him again, which makes it easier for him to ask for your number at the end of the conversation. Another example of how this could be used is with a movie: “You’re excited about the new Jurassic Park movie too? I’m dying to see it! We should do that together because we know that no matter what, we can’t not have a good time since we are seeing that movie.”

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want to come with them, they simply talk like the other person knows instinctively that it would be a good time. These types of “we should go” lines aren’t things to end the conversation with, they are things you say during the conversation to ‘pre-seed’ the idea of a date. It gives him ideas on what he might do with you once he’s got your number, as well as the comfort of having a basis (even if tenuous or said in jest) for asking for your number. 3. “I really have to get back to my friends. We are supposed to be on a girl’s night, and I’ve been over here talking to you! I’m impressed you kept me this long. Why don’t you take my number and we’ll see if we get on this well over the phone.”

All of this is said very playfully of course, but the psychology behind this is strong. First, you are the one making the exit to get back to your friends. This makes you scarce in the moment and raises your value by showing you are in demand with other people. Second, it allows you to have a moment of flirtation where you compliment him on being able to hold you for so long when you are supposed to be only with your girlfriends. Third, because you are the one leaving, it gives you a little more license to be ever so slightly more forward in offering your number to him on the way out. I wouldn’t recommend doing this all the time, because generally I’m in favor of giving the guy the opportunity to give you his number with your suggestiveness, and letting him take the lead, but in this case it’s a compromise. Matthew Hussey    43

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To ensure he still knows his work isn’t done, however, include that last sentence, “we’ll see if we get on this well over the phone”. The implication is twofold: first you are saying that the two of you have been getting on well, but you are also saying, “I don’t necessarily know you well enough to go on a date with you, but we can talk on the phone. There’s still room for you to blow it at that stage, so bring your A-game!” It leaves him with a challenge, even when you are the one who is leaving your number with him. 4. “We’re going to this really cool bar, [insert name], after this, you should go, you’d love it.”

It’s obvious, but letting the guy know where you are heading next gives him one of two opportunities. Either he can ask for your number to text you about it when he’s leaving, or he can simply show up there knowing you are going to be there. I’ve used the word “go” in the place of “come” because it’s a little less about you and more about the fact that he would have a good time in that location. There is an alternative to this if he asks you where you are headed next and you are not sure, so he tells you where he is going. You can say: “That sounds cool. Maybe you can text us and let us know how it is when you get there and if it’s worth coming over.”

What I enjoy about this is that you are not actually giving him your number, because he still has to ask.

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You’ve jumped ahead by saying he should text you (I used the word ‘us’ in the line so that it looks like it’s for you and your friends, not just you), but he still has to do the asking. It also makes the number exchange about the practical issue of finding out if the place he is going turns out to be ‘worth it’. It’s relaxed for both you and him.

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Chapter 7 How to Know Who Should Text First Who strikes first once you’ve exchanged numbers? It’s supposed to be the man’s job, right? Usually that’s presumed to be the case. But the messy truth of this is not so clear-cut. The most straightforward answer I can give on this is: “it depends”. Not every area of attraction has a hard-and-fast rule. When it comes to deciding whether or not to text first, it depends on a couple of things: – Who has done all the investing so far? – Who asked for the number? If, for example, this guy spent the whole night with you and your friends, asked for your number, and generally showed a ton of interest when you saw him… then there’s no problem being the first to shoot over a message. You could say to him after you leave the party: “Hope the rest of your night was good without me…kind of ;)”.

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This message is really cute but it’s also short and doesn’t invite further conversation. If he texts back - awesome. If not - no biggie. Just hang back and see if he gets back to you. You’ve dropped the initial bait and it’s up to him to take it.

What if You Got His Number? If you were the one who asked to exchange numbers, let him make the next move. You’ve given enough interest by showing you want to talk to him again, so now it’s up to him to take things further.

Key Idea We have to understand that there is always a flow to attraction. It’s not as simple as saying, “men are supposed to do the chasing” or other clichés like that. The truth is, both of you take it in turns to move a little closer each time. It’s as though you are always closing down space and then re-creating it.

For example, you close down space by asking him to join you guys at a party, and then leave space for him to make the move to come. Or you could close down space by touching his hand, giving him space to make the move to kiss you. You are in a dance of attraction in which you both chase a little at different times.

Ways to Text Him After Exchanging Numbers What do you say if you’re going to fire out the first text? My advice? Keep it light-hearted, specific, and short. Matthew Hussey    47

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A great way to do this is to reference a shared joke you both had when you first met. Imagine you guys met on a dance floor and were doing a silly dance to a rap song. The next day you text him saying: “I miss our dance”

Now you’ve given him a memory to smile about when he opens his messages, and it doesn’t do too much. It’s just a short text to let him know you thought of him in your day. Nothing more. This is so much more powerful than some generic text that says: “So how was the rest of your night?”

This shows none of your personality and doesn’t inject any fun into the conversation. Begin playfully, and you have already set the flirty tone for the interaction. You can do this with anything. Imagine you both met at a friend’s wedding and there was a strange waiter called Derek who had a funny voice that made you both giggle. You can text him the next day saying: “I already miss Derek”

Again, it shows you’re indirectly thinking about him and makes you both part of an inside joke.

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Or perhaps during your first conversation he told you how much he loved the film Interstellar, and you told him, “Ugh, I couldn’t stand that movie. It was so dumb and pretentious.” You could then text him the next day and refer back to this: “My friend just came to me raving about Interstellar. I hate you both :)”

Or if he told you he can’t wait to see the new Jurassic Park, you could text him a few days later to say: “I have something to tell you. I saw the new Jurassic Park last night. My friend really wanted to go. Please forgive me!”

(If you are an emoji fan, this would be a good text to use the little monkey with its hands over its eyes!) Short, sharp, and sweet. Then leave him room to come and close the gap.

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Chapter 8 How to Get Him to Ask You Out You can text a guy back and forth for days or weeks and still not know how to get him to ask you out. How do you get him to make the suggestion? Simple: Put the idea in his head early on. For example, if I’m going to ask a girl out, I know it’s so much easier if she has already hinted at something she wants to do. If she says, “I’ve lived in New York for a year but I’ve never walked over the Brooklyn Bridge, I really want to go!”, it implants an idea in my head for when I next see her. I think to myself: Maybe I’ll find somewhere cool to eat near the Brooklyn Bridge and then stroll there for our first date. The more you express your likes and dislikes to a guy, the more natural it’s going to be for him to ask you out, because he already knows where you want to go. That way, he doesn’t now have to be guessing whether you like Sushi or whether the sight of raw sashimi and salmon rolls makes you want to gag.

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How to Steer Him Towards Your Favorite Date What if you really want to do a particular kind of activity or date, and you want him to take you there?

Secret About Men I’ll let you in on a secret about men: We only want to impress women who show that their interest is dependent upon us impressing them.

What do I mean by that? To motivate him to do certain activities, you have to show him how impressed and attractive you find it when a guy does those things. For example, you could say: “Oh I have so many cool places I want to go to in this city. I try new things here all the time! I find it so attractive when people take me to spots I’ve never been.”

When you drop that into conversation, he starts to think of new ideas for where he can take you (you can also do this one with a boyfriend who you want to take you to new places). By saying this line, you make him want to be original. But what if he doesn’t take the hint? What if he arranges a stale, boring date that sounds so run-of-the-mill it leaves you seriously considering staying in with Netflix and mixing your own rum and coke instead?

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There are two possibilities: (a) he’s not an imaginative guy (in which case, maybe he’s not one you want to date for long anyway!), and (b) he’s keeping it low-key for a first date. The latter one is fairly common. Some guys don’t make a ton of effort until they decide they are really into you. He may just want to test the water and see how things go after some initial conversation. That’s fine. But if he asks you out for drinks again, you can say: “I don’t really want to go sit in a bar tonight. Let’s find something fun to do in this city!”

Notice here that you’re also saying, “Let’s find something fun to do”, instead of telling him: “You find something fun for us to do.” You are giving him the challenge to be more imaginative in his choice of date-venue, but you are saying it as though the fun is you both doing it together, so he doesn’t feel insulted. You can even be more direct and say: “We should go to that new night exhibition at the museum. They have a DJ and everything, it looks so fun!”

The beauty of this is you now have a guy who knows exactly how to impress you the next time he takes you on a date.

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Chapter 9 How to Make Fascinating First Date Conversation That Keeps Him Coming Back for More Most people are terrible at first dates. Actually, worse than that: most people are boring on a first date. Ugh. Is there anything worse in life than just being mediocre? Mediocre is the opposite of memorable. It’s not what makes someone go home and think about us for the next three days. A big part of first-dates with guys is just chitchat. Getting to know him, who he is and what he values. I have a routine for going on first dates. You might think it’s corny, but I always prepare what I’m going to say. That sounds ludicrous, I know. When I say I prepare, I don’t exactly mean that I sit and write out potential lists of topics for conversation, like “the economy”,

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“environment”, “the latest celebrity gossip” or any other such timely prompts. What I do instead is run through a mental checklist in my head: •• What have I got coming up that’s exciting? •• What’s something interesting I learned recently? •• What’s a great book I read? What movies have I seen? •• What did I achieve in my career in the last 6 months? •• What fun trip or travel plans have I lined up this year? Having pre-considered answers to these makes me a much better conversationalist. You can even just freestyle on any of these topics. For example, just talk about a documentary you saw this week: “I saw this lifechanging film, it’s called Jiro Dreams Of Sushi. Have you heard of it? Oh God, it’s so good! It’s about a man who treats sushi like an art form and is the best in the world at his craft. It made me want to dedicate my life to mastering a skill. What do you think you would master to that level if you could only pick one thing?” See how you can make interesting conversation out of one movie you saw? This is how I come up with ideas for my radio show. I pick something I’ve been passionate about that week, or a fun theory or question I’ve come up with, and roll with it or discuss it with my listeners. Once you get going with this and begin with something you care about, you find endless treasures and thoughts in your mind you didn’t know you even had.

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So few of us are imaginative in our conversations. We stay with the logical and pedestrian questions and answers. One of the most depressing things is being sat across from a woman and asking: “What’s the coolest thing you’ve got coming up in the next 6 months?” and seeing them say “nothing really” followed by a nervous giggle. “Nothing really” is always bad conversation. It shows that you have no imagination, and a woman with no imagination spells a life of boring, dull conversations. I remember a scene from a TV show where the chef Anthony Bourdain was talking to a fellow chef who told him how he always prepares to be a good dinner guest. He thinks about his latest stories, what he’s learnt that week, and interesting events that happened to him. He thinks about how he could be engaging to others, instead of hoping others would be fascinating for him. I’ve always been inspired by this mindset to ask better questions and have better answers to the standard questions everyone asks on dates. So let’s say he asks you: “What cool stuff have you got coming up in the next 6 months?” You might use this as a springboard to talk about.

Your First Date Cheat Sheet A new adventure or risk you’re about to take: “I’m booked to go snowboarding in December. I’ve heard you crash on your butt constantly in the first week though!”

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A fun trip you have planned: “I’m going to South America for the first time in my life. It’s the first time I’ve set foot in the whole continent.”

(Now you have the bonus of starting a new conversation about which continents you’ve both traveled to, and which countries you’d most like to visit.) A cool project at work: “I’m working on a new marketing campaign for this really cool new product… basically it’s a robot that cuts the crusts off your sandwiches for you. Pretty cool, right?”

A target for the year: “I’ve decided I’m going to write every day. I figure if I do 500 words before bed by the end of a year I’m going to have a book.”

(Now you can discuss the book you’d like to write and ask him what book he would write if he got the chance.) Alternatively you could talk about: A show or movie you just watched: “I just saw Jiro Dreams Of Sushi. Have you seen it? Do you think you could ever focus that much on any one skillset like he has on sushi?”

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Random thoughts/theories/ideas: “I feel like if Toy Story 3 doesn’t make a person cry, they might be broken.”

(Side note: If you’ve ever listened to my radio show or watched my YouTube channel, you’ll know I specialize in random thoughts, theories and ideas.) See how these allow you to turn the conversation down any avenue you like? Just a tiny amount of preparation leads you to never running out of things to talk about. Take some time to think about your answers to these questions, and if you can’t think of any, talk about things you would like to do, even if you’re not doing them all yet. Now you’ll always have a checklist of topics flowing in your head for any first date scenario!

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Chapter 10 How to Blow it on a Date (What NOT to Say) Benjamin Franklin once spoke of the importance of what not to say in conversation: “Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.” It’s all too easy to kill attraction before it has even been built. Here are some temptations you must avoid in conversation if you want to keep his interest: 1. Talking about your ex’s With a boyfriend, on occasion you’re going to talk about ex’s. That’s ok, if it’s done sparingly and without excessive detail. On early dates, stay off this topic as much as you can. If you must talk about it, be positive about your ex and show you have moved on. Make the old relationship sound like the distant past – like it’s of no more interest to you at all. If you share painful sob stories or talk about how much your ex hurt you emotionally, it’s only going to sound like you’re not over it yet. There’s nothing unsexier than someone who is carrying around baggage from old relationships. 58     Matthew Hussey

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If your ex comes up because you’re discussing what ended past relationships, you can say: “Oh I had a similar issue with my ex. He’s a good person, but he wasn’t very responsible and I think that’s really important.”

This shows you’re not emotional about it and that you’ve moved forward with your life. 2. Talking about body insecurities If he’s on a date with you, he finds you sexy. So for the love of all that is holy, do not even jokingly talk about any issues you have with your weight, your skin, your hair, your legs, or any other part of you that you feel ashamed of. I have a rule with body issues: either fix them or learn to love them. Never say something like: “Yeah, I really need to get back to the gym. I’m not in shape right now.” If you’re out of shape, you are just going to make him focus more on your body.

In fact, this is bad to say even if you are in shape. It just makes you sound obsessed with your body in an unhealthy way. If you are trying to lose weight, talk about the things you are doing positively without needing to reference your weight itself: “I’ve been doing these soul cycle classes, have you been? They are so much fun…” Matthew Hussey    59

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3. Being negative towards others Do not run your friends down. Try also not to be nasty about strangers in front of him. It only makes him think you’ll be bitchy when he’s not there. Do not indulge in snarky gossip and mean remarks in front of him, e.g. “My friend Sandra is really easy when it comes to men. She sleeps with a lot of guys…”

He might laugh along with you at the time, but if he’s a good guy, he’s just going to think that you could be gossiping this way about him if he’s not careful. Also, don’t be afraid to call him out a little when he’s being mean about his friends, or anybody in general. If he says something a bit mean about someone’s appearance or one of his friends, you can say: “Hey, come on, be nice!” - even if you do it with a smile. It shows you’re classy and don’t have a desire to bring others down. 4. Anything that puts him on the defensive If you start trying to question his life choices early on, or mock his career, or make him feel embarrassed and humiliated, he’ll run far and fast. To summarize, these four areas need to be ironed out of all conversation (at least until you are much more intimate, and even then, they should be minimized): Emotional Baggage, Insecurity, Gossip and Negativity, and Insulting Behavior.

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Chapter 11 How to Tease a Guy to Create Uncontrollable Desire Ever find when you meet a REALLY cute guy it’s impossible to flirt and just be yourself? That’s what kept happening to Elizabeth, a client of mine. Elizabeth had a passion for anything artistic and loved to paint at the weekends. Mark, her date, said on his online profile that he was crazy about books and all things cultural. A perfect match! The odds were in her favour. Or that’s what she thought… Here’s what happened in Elizabeth’s words: “Mark arrived at the bar, and I was instantly relieved that he looked like his profile pic. Square jaw, well-built, great smile, exactly my type. He confidently went straight in for a hug. I squeaked out a ‘hi’ and tried to think of what to say as we ordered our drinks. The conversation was pretty easy going. We had a ton of similar interests – reading, yoga, geeking out on Game of Thrones – but as the date went on it felt like we were talking as friends. I kept asking ordinary questions like: ‘So...when did you last go on vacation?’

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At one point I thought about making a risqué joke about the time I painted nude models in my art class, but nothing came out and I missed the moment. When he smiled, I wanted to compliment his cute dimples, but I worried it would sound too forward and choked again. I couldn’t get out of my head, analysing every little thing I was about to say, losing my nerve every time. The date ended with us walking around a local market, but I couldn’t tell if he was into me and I’m pretty sure he didn’t know I was attracted to him. We said goodbye with a peck on the cheek, and that was it. I wanted to encourage him to make a move, but I hadn’t been flirty at all and it felt weird to make something happen out of nowhere. It was missing the spark, and I knew I was 50% to blame because I never took any risks and stayed in my shell the whole date.”

Turn on His “Desire” Switch – Use the Extra 5% Elizabeth’s story reminded me of something important: it can be very dangerous to play it too safe in love. Being mild-mannered, passive, not rocking the boat…all of these things stop us from flirting with the person we REALLY like. The ability to be a great flirt isn’t some holy magic or a natural gift people are blessed with: it’s in that 5% extra risk that makes a guy really feel attraction and think of you as more than a friend.

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One of the best ways to become great at flirting with guys is to start TEASING. If you’ve ever had a cute guy playfully tease you in just the right way, you’ll know exactly what I mean. It probably produced an instant and intense attraction which made you want to be close to him (and maybe even grab him if you were being honest!). There’s no one way to tease a guy, and in a moment I’ll give you a bunch of different ways to do it. Suffice it to say that teasing is a way to give a guy some playful bait to react to. Once you combine the ‘teasing’ techniques I give you below with techniques on GETTING HIM TO OPEN UP (Chapter 21) and PLAYING TO HIS MASCULINITY (Chapter 24), you’ll notice a guy will find himself inexplicably drawn to you after just a few encounters. The beauty of teasing is that it allows you to create more of a vibe with a guy in 8 seconds than most people do in 8 hours, just by knowing what to say in certain situations. Why? Because it turns on a man’s “Desire Switch”. Suppose, for example, you’re out with a guy and it turns out you both share a love of cooking. You can say to him: “Well, baking is my specialty. So I’m warning you: don’t challenge me there.”

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If he takes the bait, you can extend the joke further by saying: “You have strong arms, so you at least should be able to do the mixing when I get tired.”

Or you could say with a wink in your tone:

“At least if you turn out to be no good you’ll look pretty doing it.”

As another example, suppose he mentions that he saw your holiday photos on your Facebook profile. This is the perfect chance for a tease. You can say: “Now, you weren’t just looking for my photos of me in a swimsuit, were you?”

This is what teasing is at its best: you’re just lightly poking a guy in a way that challenges him whilst giving him a little smile as well. Notice how teasing is like a wink and a nudge at the same time. You throw out the bait and give him a chance to catch it and chase you even more.

Other Ways to Get Him to Notice You with Teasing Once I was with a girlfriend and went on a long, rambling monologue about a certain movie director, explaining all the reasons I liked certain films of his and not others.

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At one point she said, “I totally agree, but can I just say at this moment that I’ve never seen someone get this passionate and serious about films. I’m really enjoying watching you in Mr. Serious mode right now.” As she said it, she did a little impression of me being serious by narrowing her eyes and mimicking my face. I immediately caught myself and got a little embarrassed when she said it. Noticing my self-consciousness, she said, “Noooo, I liked it! I just thought it was super cute how into it you were. Carry on with what you were saying, I love it!” This is teasing at its best: a combination of INTEREST and a sprinkle of playful CHALLENGE. Here are some other ways to combine these two qualities to your advantage: 1. Be affectionate with it – This is a golden rule, and it’s really the secret to joking around without offending someone. Imagine he trips over in front of you and feels embarrassed. Maybe he says, “I can’t believe I did that, how embarrassing.” Instead of laughing at him, you can respond: “No, it was so adorable because you’re usually so smooth the rest of the time.”

2. Imply that he’s trouble (in a good way) – If he texts you in the middle of the day, you can write back: “I’m not supposed to text while I’m at work, yet you keep tempting me to pull out my phone. I knew you were trouble.” Matthew Hussey    65

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3. Imply he misses you – Maybe you missed a couple of his calls and then when you ring him back he says: “I’ve been trying to get through to you all day,” to which you can respond: “Aww, did you miss me? I miss you too.” (Said in a sweet but playful way.)

You could alternatively reply: “Aww, does this mean you have a full-on crush on me?” (Said to a guy you are more familiar with, so he knows you’re kidding.)

Or, when he says he’s been trying to call you all day, you can respond: “I know, I’ve been so busy. I’ve barely had time to talk to anyone all day. Luckily for you you’re the one person I find it hard to resist.”

4. Learn to banter with him – Let’s say you’re both having a conversation about where you’d like to travel in the world. He says he wants to live in South America. Then he jokes that you should come with him, swim on the beach all day, and live by the ocean. You can respond: “That sounds great. But if you see me in my bikini you may not let me go home.”

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Another route to good banter is to pretend-joke about stuff he never does for you anymore. For example, even if it’s only your second date and you walk past someone getting a back rub from her boyfriend, you could say to your guy: “Ah, you never rub my back anymore.”

This is a fun way to joke around with him and pretend like you’re a couple already, even though you’re only on a second date. The key with this is to show affection whilst keeping the tone fun and silly – occasionally throwing in a challenge here and there. Now you’re teasing him in a way that instead of making him defensive, only makes him more desperate to please you!

Warning! Be the Alluring Goddess, NOT His Bratty Sister One more disclaimer on this because I’ve seen this kind of playful banter go horribly wrong, so for the record, let me be clear: Teasing is NOT mocking. There are some people out there who think of the word “teasing” and immediately assume that it means making fun of a guy, exposing his insecurities and joking at his expense. You might be under the illusion that poking fun of a guy makes you seem confident and funny, but it really just makes him see you as his bratty sister. When you mock him, you put him on the defensive, which kills your allure.

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A real tease is supposed to be playful, not mocking. It’s like a little poke that makes him want to poke back, but it should never sound like a targeted insult. For example, if he momentarily forgets what the capital of Italy is, and you laugh at him in front of others and say, “That’s so dumb, I can’t believe you could forget something like that!”

It kills his affectionate feelings towards you in that moment. Teasing isn’t bringing a guy down; it’s about challenging him so that he wants to impress you EVEN more. Another huge mistake I see women making is acting sceptical when a guy tells her his ambitions and hopes for the future. He says, “I want to build a big enough company that I could live in two different countries. I’d love to be able to travel between two houses”, and she’ll respond: “Really? That’s kind of hopeful isn’t it?”

This kind of thing stings his ego, even though he may do a good job of hiding it. Worst of all, it may close him down from opening up to you again if he feels like he’ll be made fun of for his future aspirations. Remember, in flirting, guys respond to hearing a level of INTEREST combined with that playful CHALLENGE. Mix these two together and you have a powerful combination, but remember to do both, as shown in the examples above.

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Of course, teasing is just one part of generating intrigue from a guy. For LONG-TERM attraction, you’ll need to combine this with showing you have boundaries and self-respect (e.g. Chapter 30 on the “High-Value Response to the Booty Call”) and making him feel like a man (see, for example, the “Hero Technique” in Chapter 22; see also Chapter 24). Remember, anyone can do generic small talk, but flirtatious teasing is the spark that lights the fireworks lurking beneath the surface. It’s only 5% more than you are doing now, but it’s the 5% that makes ALL the difference.

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Chapter 12 How to Use Touch to Drive Him Wild Being tactile (i.e. touching the other person) is important to attraction in general. It speeds up the process of getting comfortable with someone, and if done right, can build an enormous amount of chemistry very quickly. The challenge of any loud environment is to find a way to initiate a conversation with a man without shouting something meaningless in his ear. The technique to overcome this is simple. If you are in a noisy environment and you want to talk to him, simply squeeze his bicep. You don’t even have to say anything after this. In fact, you can turn your body slightly away from him, almost as if you were just checking to see if his muscle was as great as you thought it was going to be, but now you’ve solved that mystery. A couple of caveats here: First, don’t linger with your touch for too long or it will come off as weird or too aggressive. A quick, light squeeze is fine. Second, limit this to men who actually have something resembling muscle in their arm. Doing this to a very skinny guy or a very overweight guy runs the risk of coming off as sarcastic.

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Third, this is harder to pull off in the middle of the day or in a nonbusy environment that doesn’t have a party atmosphere to it. This doesn’t mean you can’t pull it off in these environments, but if it makes you a little nervous, save it for the dance floor where you can have some fun with it. Using this, like the Victorian art of dropping your handkerchief, sends a clear sign that you are okay with him talking to you. In the past when this has been done to me, I have responded by squeezing her bicep back and acting equally impressed. It’s fun, it’s playful, it’s easy… It ticks all the right boxes.

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Chapter 13 How to Flirt With a Work Colleague When you meet a cute guy in a work-scenario, flirting gets tricky. You don’t know how to break out of the confines of being colleagues and lead the conversation into more flirtatious territory. What’s more, you probably feel it’s hard to tell if he’s being friendly or if there are in fact sparks between you. Let’s picture this scenario: you’re having a meeting with a guy and you feel a tug of chemistry. Or at least he seems cute and you’d like to get to know him better. How do you play this? The best way to flirt in this scenario is to test the waters. You want to make your flirting subtle. There are three ways you can test the water to give him an invitation to flirt back with you: (1) When you are going out with colleagues, ask him if he feels like joining you If he’s come to a meeting with you, chances are you already have an email or phone number you can use to get in contact.

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You don’t want to suddenly arrange a one-on-one meet up. Instead, get in touch to let him know about something fun happening with your work colleagues and simply say: “You should come!”

Or: “Feel free to come join us!”

Try after-work drinks for this. You need to get out of the work environment when it’s possible so you can both loosen up. This way you’ve given him a low-pressure invitation to come and get to know you better in an informal setting, but your colleagues will be around too so it won’t feel like you’re asking him out on a date. (2) Text him about something funny that relates to your conversation In any work meeting, chances are there will be a mix of business talk and informal chitchat. During this informal chitchat, maybe you talk about one of your pets, or a funny website, or an artist you both like, or a song you’re both listening to, or even a cereal you ate that morning. These kinds of things are the perfect excuse to send a follow-up to get a playful conversation going. For example - say it was cereal you talked about (weird, but why not?) - you could later email him a link to a website about a new

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cereal café that opened in London (yes, it does exist!) and jokingly say: “I think I’ve found my version of heaven! Next holiday?”

Now you’ve opened the door to have a fun conversation with him that is separate from your work relationship. Equally, if you both talked about your pets, you can send him a picture of your dog and say: “This is the other woman in my life who we spoke about earlier…”

See how these are all low-key but playful ways of being in touch? That’s because your aim here is to gently shift the dynamic away from work chat into playful banter. If he’s interested, he now has permission to be more informal and reciprocate in his own texts and emails. (3) Throw in some bait This one takes confidence to pull off, and admittedly isn’t fit for all scenarios, but if you do it without flinching, it can have a big payoff. You simply say to him: “Shame I didn’t meet you in another setting, you’re cute.”

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Or: “Why is it always the cool ones you meet over business, and not socially?”

Here you are leaving him some bait, and throwing a little interest his way. The beauty is that he now knows it’s okay for him to flirt with you.

Secret About Men Half of a guy’s anxiety in a work situation is just knowing that it’s okay for him to be flirtatious. By taking the reins to begin, you let him know you’re comfortable with it.

This also has the advantage of the forbidden fruit. You are telling him that you can’t really be together because you met in a work scenario, which only makes him want to reject that limitation and court you even more! We call this technique disqualification. It’s when you tell a guy that you would never work together (in a jokey way), which makes him even more intrigued to find all the reasons you really would work together! Another example of disqualification would be to say: “If we weren’t colleagues, we’d be so much trouble for each other.”

Once again, he now hears that being together might not be an option, which only makes him want it more!

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Two More Ways to Flirt With a Colleague 1. Play the Victim (in a cute way!) Maybe you’re at a work event and you bump into that colleague you always have sexual tension with. Here you can say: “You know what I realized, you’re always so mean to me at work. Tonight you better make it up to me and be nice.”

Say it in an upbeat and silly way - maybe raising an eyebrow as you say it as though you are pretending to give him a stern warning. This is a cute way of putting it on him to be flirty with you. 2. Role-play Roleplaying simply involves any small interaction when you both make-believe. One great role-play is to pretend as if you don’t really know each other. Say to him: “What’s your name?” “Oh Mike, is it? We don’t really know each other do we?”

Then further into the interaction you can add: “It’s good this company hires cute men, it makes it much easier to work around here.”

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Now it seems like less of a big deal that you’re calling him cute, because you are doing it as part of this fun, imaginary scenario you’re both playing up to.

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Chapter 14 How to Text Him the Perfect Amount to Keep Him Wanting More How much texting is too much texting? I know certain male friends who do all the good work of acquiring a woman’s phone number and within a week they’ve completely blown it by texting her every day for hours at a time, until they’ve lost all their mystery and charm. Texting is a great benefit to flirting, but it also comes with the risk of overdoing it. The high-value way to text is to do it as though you always have better things to be doing in your day. As a default, keep your messages neat, short, and to the point. A cheeky message about your day, or telling him about a movie you just saw, or talking about when you’re next going to meet, is all you really need. In my first book Get the Guy, I talked about my rule that texting should only be for entertainment or logistics. Entertainment is just a tease, making jokes, being fun or talking about some interesting story that happened to you. Logistics involves any part of arranging your next meet-up. 78     Matthew Hussey

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Where people go wrong is in endless back and forth about their day, their office politics, or just trading mundane information about their family, which is better saved for in-person, or on the phone. There is no hard-and-fast rule for how long a text conversation should be, but do not let texts go on throughout the day. After the conversation has had some fun moments, feel free to stop at the right moment and give yourself a little space to miss each other again. You can always catch up later. Phone and text conversation should always be seen as a bridge between in-person meetings. Too many people exhaust every scrap of conversation about their day-to-day life on the phone and then when they meet the guy in the flesh they realize they have little else to talk about. “What if he likes to text a lot, though?” I hear you ask. That’s okay, but don’t feel pressured to have to conform if you’re busy. Have a couple of text conversations during the week (not every single day or it looks like you have nothing else going on, plus you’re not letting the desire build up since you’re always accessible to each other), then make plans to meet at some point. If you’re busy, feel free to ignore texts and just shoot him back one later to say hi. E.g. “Hey, sorry I missed you earlier, I’ve been helping my sister move all day. I’m definitely going to need a cocktail when all this is over!”

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If you want to be more direct, you can send this variation of the same message: “Hey, sorry I missed you earlier, I’ve been roped into helping my sister move all day. Save me!”

Now you’ve left him the chance to get in touch about meeting up if he wants to go to the cocktail bar, but the beauty is you haven’t had to ask him to meet up. He has an opening, and can choose whether or not to take it.

One Important Thing I know some people feel pressure to get back to every message for fear that a guy will lose interest. This is a completely unfounded anxiety. Guys who like you will not disappear because you were busy when they called or messaged. Get back to him in 24 hours and he’ll know you are still interested. In fact, leaving gaps between your interactions is crucial for actually building attraction. In the early stages, missing each other for a couple of days has a powerful effect on making you want to be close again. That’s why, after a first date, you might send a message that evening saying: “Had a great time tonight! Thanks for showing me that place.”

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Maybe he’ll be in touch the next day, but if not, leaving it a couple of days is only going to make him think about you more. If he likes you he’ll text within 48 hours or so. If for some reason he doesn’t message, send one brief message that references the conversation you had during the date. For example, maybe you both talked about a city you want to visit in Thailand and he wanted to see a picture. You can send him a link or the picture itself and say: “Found that beautiful city we were talking about the other night. I’m tempted to book my ticket right now!”

Now he’s got an opening to get back to you, but you’ve left it in his hands.

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Chapter 15 How to Charm Him With Your Texts More of our dating is done digitally now than at any time in history - whether via text, Facebook, WhatsApp, or some other form of online messaging service. With that, I would be remiss to create a communication program and not go into further detail on the art of texting. I’ll reiterate from the chapter above: texting is to be used for two things - Entertainment and Logistics. Entertainment = Anything that involves flirting, making each other laugh, sending a cute or cool photo, or anything romantic that makes your heart soar. Logistics = Planning when to next see each other. All the stuff that isn’t one of these two is a waste of time. That goes for gossiping, idle chitchat, work talk, or trying to have a deep and meaningful conversation (use the phone or save it for when you see him in person). Don’t send him boring texts that ask: “So, how many siblings do you have?” These kinds of factual conversations are best saved for

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in-person. You might do one or two in a text conversation, but if you treat it like a regular conversation it just gets boring. Communication is not just about what we do, it’s about knowing when to use it. If I go on stage, I know there is a certain level of passion and dynamism that I can show that wouldn’t be appropriate at a dinner party. If I’m goofing around with my friends, I’m going to make different kinds of rude jokes compared to those I would make at a business lunch. And if I’m texting, I’m going to use this medium for short, snappy, fun messages, rather than to have some drawn-out version of a face-to-face conversation.

Four Types of Women He Hates Texting (and What You Should Say Instead) One of the best ways to learn to be a great texter is to learn what not to do. It’s my experience that women and men make all kinds of mistakes that they don’t even realize, which are totally turning potential lovers off to them, either because of their neediness, intensity, childishness, or because they are just plain dull! Here are four types of women whose texts make men want to run away: 1. The Court Jester – This girl just can’t stop joking… And not in a good way. Everything to her is an excuse to bust out another knee-slapper. Except she totally overdoes it. It’s exhausting. She Matthew Hussey    83

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thinks it’s raising her value. But in fact, the guy stops seeing her as a sexual possibility. She starts to seem like his goofy buddy. E.g. Him: It was fun hanging out last night. Hope to do it again soon!  Her: Oh yea, it was awesome. Remember when I kicked your ass at XBOX? Him: Lol of course! You looked so cute in that shirt btw x Her: Is this your way of changing the subject because you don’t want to talk about it? :p

See what’s wrong here? Not only is it child-like in its jokiness, but it’s also completely ignorant of his compliment. She’s not running with and throwing some flirtation back - she just squashed it and kept the conversation at the same jokey level. It’s okay to start with the joke, but you don’t want to get stuck in this mood forever. Another example is this mood-killer: Him: Really looking forward to spending some time with you this weekend x Her: Yeah, but only ‘cause we’re having pizza, right? x Him: Maybe yeah, but also a little bit because I get to see you x Her: Are you being cheesy? I wish you wouldn’t: it’s just making me think more about pizza x

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Please, for the love of God, stop. I don’t know if this girl thinks she is being cute, or funny, or clever, or what. But I’ve seen girls text this to men they actually want to DATE. By batting away his attempt to open up to you, you are killing his attraction. You’re putting yourself in the buddy role, which isn’t how any guy envisions his potential girlfriend. Every guy loves a girl with a sense of humor. In fact, it’s many guys’ top criteria for a woman. But having a sense of humor does not mean turning everything into a gag. You can make a funny joke every few texts, but balance it out with warmth and affection. To return to our examples above, let’s look at a better version of both: Him: It was fun hanging out last night. Hope to do it again soon!  Her: I know, it was so nice! Except, I have to admit, I feel kind of bad for beating you at XBOX. Him: Lol it’s ok, since you looked so cute in that shirt Her: Well I had to make it up to you somehow ;)

And for the next example.

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Him: Really looking forward to spending some time with you this weekend. Her: Me too! But are you more excited about me or the pizza? Him: I’m a little bit more excited to see you. Her: Well I feel really lucky, because I know that place does really good pizza.

Or, if you wanted to spice it up more (and say this to a guy you’re already seeing), an alternative to this last line would be: “Oh really? And you haven’t even seen the underwear I was planning on wearing…”

Pick your response based on how close you are to him already. The point is to keep the flirtation going instead of throwing away his compliment. 2. The Tweenie Fangirl – This one has the cutesy, air-headed nature of a sixteen year old commenting on YouTube, and peppers every text with a thousand emojis, because apparently words aren’t enough to express how she feels. E.g. “OMFG just ate dis amzing bagel in a bakery near yr plce. U hav to try it smetime! LOL :p  Xox”

Er…what? It might have been cute for a guy to hear that you were at the bakery near his place, but now it just sounds like you’re a teenager on a sugar rush who spends her day writing Twilight fan-fiction on Tumblr.

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Bottom Line: Avoid the excessive txt spk. It’s unnecessary and causes guys to make snap judgments about your intelligence. In texting, all you have are the words you write on which to be judged. When he reads messages in what looks like a sixteen-year-old teenager’s language, he’s going to assume you have the mind of one. Which would be fine, if you were sixteen. Save the lazy, emoji-filled texts for your friends (I’m not against emojis in general, but use them sparingly). Any successful guy who reads text speak like this will be fearful of introducing you to his more respectable friends, lest you whip out your bright pink iPhone and snap a selfie in the middle of a restaurant, or squeal to high heaven whenever someone mentions Taylor Swift. 3. The Over-Analyzer – This girl overthinks everything. She tries to have an oh-so-clever comeback for everything a guy says. She is always in her head, and can’t let anything go. For example: Him: Still thinking about you in that red dress you tried on today. I know this sounds weird, but it makes your shoulders look really sexy… x Her: What? Are you saying I have big shoulders? Him: No! I’m saying they’re hot. Her: Hmmm ok lol

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The over-analyzer can’t help but dissect everything a guy says until he’s completely drained and exhausted. This is the opposite of confident communication. A confident response to his compliment would be a simple acknowledgement and thank you. For example, you would text back: “Thanks! I was thinking something similar about your chest in that shirt ;) x”.

4. The Blank Wall – The Blank Wall gives you nothing to go on, just simple, lame responses that give him no material to work with. E.g. Him: Just made cupcakes with my auntie today. I am a domestic goddess! ;) Her: Nice! I love cupcakes! Him: Shall I save one for you? Which frosting do you like? Her: Vanilla!

It’s perfectly nice, but it’s totally boring and uninspired. After three or four of these texts, a guy will simply assume you’re either not interested or you have nothing to say and that you’re dull. He’s doing the heavy lifting and getting bland, dull responses in return. Here’s a better approach to that conversation:

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Him: Just made cupcakes with my auntie today. I am a domestic goddess! ;) Her: Oh, you never make me cupcakes, I don’t know whether to be angry or hurt. Him: Shall I save one for you? Which frosting do you like? Her: I like Vanilla, but it better come with a smiley face, a heart, or a sexy kiss. Your choice.

See how you’re investing more in the conversation here, and making it flirtatious? Texting should always be about building connection and showing little snippets of your personality, not just mindlessly sending messages devoid of character or entertainment.

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Chapter 16 How to Use Fun Texts to Get Him Thinking About You Non-Stop When you’ve been seeing a guy for a few weeks you often find your mind idly drifting to each other throughout your day and just want to send a cute message to let them know you’re thinking about them. The good news is there’s a way to show a guy he’s in your thoughts that makes him even MORE intrigued and attracted than he was before. Here are three adorable texts that will make him smile every time: 1. “I keep thinking about you and it’s annoying me”

This is super-cute because it breaks rapport (in a cute way) and lets him know you’re thinking about him. Send this one out-of-the-blue a couple of days after he’s stayed over your place, or after a date. It’s a playful way of nudging him, but it’s not needy because you’re not asking him anything, you’re just telling him. Statements rather than questions are sexy and show confidence. 90     Matthew Hussey

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2. “You’re adorable and everything, but nothing could compare to this” [Attach picture message of an adorable kitten/nephew/ unicorn]

This pays him a little backhanded compliment. You praise his looks, but also divert his attention away by sending a cute picture as well. Now the ball is in his court to send something equally adorable back, or to try to plead with you that he definitely is cuter than a kitten! Now you’ve set up the opportunity for teasing and flirtation instead of sending a pedestrian message like, “Hey, how’s it going?” 3. “I had a dream about you last night…”

Does this sound too sexual? Don’t worry, I’m not asking you to tell a guy you’ve been having dirty fantasies about him. In fact, the whole charm of this line is in keeping the precise details of what you dreamed about a mystery. He will invariably ask to know. You’ll reply: “Can’t say, but I’ve never seen that side of you before ;)” This is teasing like a pro, and you can do it with one simple line.

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Chapter 17 How to Get Him to Stop Texting and Just Call You Instead He keeps using his thumbs, when all you really want him to do is open his mouth. After the first date or two, it’s very easy to get stuck in the “texting trap” with a guy. You endlessly ping messages back and forth, but he never picks up the phone to have a real conversation. You just both keep flirting and chatting over text, never really moving up a level to talking on the phone. How do you get him to stop stalling and start dialing? There are three major tips for making him pick up the phone:

Tip No. 1 – Give him positive validation for picking up the phone Positive reinforcement works wonders in so many areas of communication with guys. Here the rule is no different: Make him feel how amazing/exciting/sexy it would be to you if he phoned.

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For example, say to him: “Hey stranger, I miss your lovely voice”

Or: “I haven’t heard your sexy voice in forever”

It gets him to realize that the best way to make you happy is to speak to you. And if he can’t see you in person right now, he’s going to want to call you instead!

Tip No. 2 – Call him out I want to let you in on a secret about men. It’s hard for me to admit this, but here it goes…

Secret About Men Every man, in the back of his mind, is hoping you’ll tell him what to do.

Does that sound ridiculous? Does it sound contradictory to everything you’ve heard about men? Aren’t guys supposed to be freedom-loving and hate being directed by women? Let me explain. When I say guys want to be told what to do, I’m not talking about nagging or hassling him about how to live his life.

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Guys don’t want to be nagged, but they want to be told what is expected of them. If you want a guy to call you, you must show him that you expect it of him. You have to shine a light on the fact that this is the standard you hold for the man you want to date. I’ve noticed that women often evade directly telling men what they expect because they’ve been conditioned to believe that being upfront about their expectations puts them in the category of the “high-maintenance woman” who is demanding, or the “needy girl” who hangs on his shoulder and cares too much. But you only acquire these labels if you approach it in the wrong way.

Key Idea Communicating your expectations - as long as they are reasonable - is not needy nor high-maintenance behavior. It simply expresses what matters to you. This is something you never need apologize or feel badly for.

So how do you communicate your standard in the best way? Here’s one way you can call him out (in a cute but cool way): “I’ve noticed something about you…” Then when he says “What?”, you respond: “You loooooove texting”

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This is a good way of pointing out the fact that all of your interactions have been via text (and sometimes a guy won’t even have realized this himself), and it gives him a gentle nudge to start taking things further and calling you. Him: “What do you mean?” You: “Just that. I think I’ve forgotten the sound of your voice, lol”

He may play dumb, but he’s got the message.

Tip No. 3 – Use an embedded command Like I said before, guys secretly want to be told (just a little bit) what to do. One way to do this is to use what we call an embedded command. Quite simply, this involves placing a direct order at the end of a text message. For example, to return to our earlier message, you could say: “Hey stranger, I miss your voice, call me!”

Notice that this is the same example from Tip No. 1 above, except all we have done is added the words “call me”. You can also do this by shooting this reply when he texts you: “Hey I’m at a gym class at the moment. But I’m around tonight, give me a call.”

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Or you can say: “Just out with friends for dinner. Will be back at about 8. Gimme a call later if you’re around then.”

And one more: “Hey, I was thinking about you today. I’m busy for the next couple of hours but I’m around this evening, give me a call!”

Notice again, you’ve already planted the idea of him calling you. You’ve set the terms and embedded your expectations. After the moment when a guy gets your number for the first time, the truth is, a guy often feels a lot of awkwardness about just picking up the phone and calling straight away. He worries that you might think he’s weird or too forward – it’s a high-pressure moment for him as well. Remember: Your encouragement helps him break the seal of awkwardness that plagues that first phone call. Most guys stick to texting by default because it feels safe. If you just let him know that you are happy to be called on the phone, a guy will follow suit. You don’t have to be needy and actually ask: “Can you call me?” You just casually put it in at the end of the sentence, as in the example above. You perfectly hit the sweet spot of being sweet and feminine, whilst also issuing a command that gets the result you want. You show the two unique pairings of Femininity and Dominance.

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You don’t have to choose between being one or the other. You really do get to have your cake and eat it (and it makes the guy fall for you even more when he sees both these qualities at play!).

Tip No. 4 – Attach pleasure to calling, and pain to texting As well as the previously mentioned tip of getting him to want to call you by associating pleasure with hearing his voice, you can also make him feel worse for texting. I remember how a diabolical genius of a woman did this to me once (though whether she did it intentionally or not I’ll never know). It began when I called her once and she answered right away with, “Hey, I’ve missed hearing your sexy accent.” Immediately with this one phrase she had accomplished two masterstrokes: She shone a light on the fact that I hadn’t called her much or spoken to her lately, AND she made me feel great for having phoned her by sweetly saying she missed hearing my accent. I then replied: “I’ve missed yours too, we haven’t spoken in a while.” To which she then responded: “I know, we’re like pen-pals who just write to one another.”

This was the nail in the coffin. The phrase that absolutely killed me. It sounded terrible – I was her pen-pal! Only pre-school children have pen-pals! I felt like a silly kid for just texting and never calling – with one stroke she had made me associate massive pain with texting her, and she made calling on the phone seem adult and sophisticated (see what I mean by diabolical genius now?).

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When you make him realize, he’ll get much more enjoyment by just speaking to you (and as long as you let him know it’s okay to call), a guy won’t stay on the texts for too long. By the way, if I was ever slipping in my calling her instead of texting, all she needed to do was write: “How’s my favorite pen-pal?” and I would instantly resolve to call her at the first opportunity. How to get him to call you for a date instead of asking by text There are two quick techniques we can bring into play here: 1. Pre-frame how sexy it is when a man calls you for a date Ahh, our good old friend the ‘pre-frame’. I hope you’re beginning to see how useful this technique is for so many different things. The first time you are on a date with him, pre-frame the idea that a guy calling you for a date is hot: “It’s such a rare and sexy thing when a guy actually calls to arrange a date instead of texts. It’s so funny because barely anyone does it and it immediately makes a guy stand out and seem like more of a man. I don’t get why guys don’t realize how powerful that is. Women will immediately find them so much more attractive.”

The next time he wants to arrange a date with you, this little thought of yours is going to come charging back into his mind. 2. When he does text you for a date, say this… Let’s say he reaches out to you to arrange a date. You text back:

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“I’m a little old fashioned so if you want a date with me you are going to have to call me ; ) x”

This is bold, but that’s why it works. You’re a woman who knows what she wants, and isn’t afraid to say it. What guy could resist that? The added bonus is that when someone arranges a date with you over the phone they are much less likely to flake. An arrangement made by text is far easier to renege on because of the more detached nature of it in the first place. Text arrangements can be broken without too much feeling, but calling makes the connection real and therefore more concrete.

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Chapter 18 How to Get Him to Stop Just Texting You and Actually Ask You on a Date When a guy is single, he tends to unconsciously put the women he knows into categories. Sometimes, for whatever reason, a particular girl will fall into his category of ‘girls he enjoys texting and flirting with, but whom he hasn’t asked on a date’. He falls into a pattern of texting her and enjoying her attention, but doesn’t pull the trigger and ask her out. It can be hard to tell sometimes if it’s because he doesn’t like her that much because he’s simply dating too many girls to manage them all, or he’s just genuinely busy from work. But one thing is for sure. You are sick of being his little bit of validation each time he has a quiet night and feels the pang of loneliness. Assuming you want him to actually man-up and ask you out, there are texts you can send that help move him in the direction of a date. These follow some of the same psychological principles of the previous chapter on converting texting into phone calls. Here are some messages you can send:

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•• “We better stop talking for a while or we’re going to be those annoying text only people” •• “Are we not destined to have one of those weird texting-only relationships?”

These two get him to associate negatively with the idea of being someone who texts and never meets up. ‘Text-only’ people is used as something that makes this type of relationship seem ugly. •• My thumbs are tired of flirting - we’re gonna have to do it in person soon or they may give up on me. •• My thumbs are tired of flirting - when do I get to bat my eyelashes at you?

The beauty of these two messages is they send him a clear message that this whole texting thing has a limited lifespan for you. The first is a little more direct and bold, suggesting he either get his act together and see you or you will simply give up on him. The second one is a bit more playful and feminine, allowing you to create a sweetness in the idea of seeing him in addition to expressing your texting fatigue. The benefit of these messages is simple. They shine a light on the fact that all the two of you do is text, and they provoke him to take charge and decide to meet you in person. The purpose of these texts is to make him feel a little silly for just texting you all the time. You are making it clear that, while it might be fun, sitting on the couch sending messages to him while you watch TV isn’t something you want to do forever.

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One final message you can send to create this effect: •• “It’s been so long since I’ve seen your face. I seem to remember you being handsome, but my memory is fading”

The message couldn’t be clearer… ‘I’m forgetting you!’ These texts are great for a guy that you have seen before but are now only texting, or a guy that has been sporadically showing interest by text for too long without anything materializing. It’s also worth having a couple of texts up your sleeve for a guy you just met and have been texting for a few days. If you feel it getting to the point where you’d like to meet up, but he doesn’t seem to be progressing, here are a couple of texts you can send that are a little more positive: •• Are you this sexy of a conversationalist in person? •• Are you as charming in person as in text?

These all subtly suggest that if he makes an effort to see you, it’s only going to get more fun. Remember, through these messages you are inducing the guy to reach a higher standard. If he thinks he can get away with just texting and never acting on it, that’s exactly what he’ll do. But if he gets the right motivation, and knows you also won’t be around forever, he’ll be far more likely to take action (and respect you for not being afraid to elegantly address the elephant in the room).

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Chapter 19 How to Make Yourself the Woman He Wants to Do Everything With One evening, I was scrolling through the Twitter feed of a political pundit known for his fierce debates on issues of freedom of speech. I was in New York at the time, and one of his tweets mentioned he was going to be in the city in one week for a one-and-a-half-hour debate on the subject. Being a big fan of both debates and issues concerning freedom of speech, I rushed to the ticketing website. It’s become a bit of a habit for me to buy two tickets to an event that I want to go to and then figure out who the other person will be nearer the time. Only this was one week away. I immediately shot off a text to a woman that I wanted to go with, despite having no idea if this would interest her or tranquilize her. Here was how the exchange went: Me: “On May 7th there’s a debate I’m going to in the evening” Me: “I bought an extra ticket in case you wanted to join” Me: “No pressure though, it may not be your thing”

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I was hedging of course. I didn’t want to make her feel obliged to come to something that would bore her. I also didn’t want to be at an event that I was excited about feeling as though I were responsible for someone else’s bad time. To my delight, this was her response: Her: “Love debates. I’m in” Something about these four words had a magical effect. There wasn’t hesitation. It didn’t resemble the flakiness endemic of the generation of ‘I’ll let you know later’ types. It was direct, to the point. It said, “I’m game”, and I loved it. It’s interesting that nowadays responses like this stand out so much. It just shows how rare certainty and decisiveness are as traits. What’s more, because she was so clear about wanting to come, my nerves about not being able to have a good time because I was worried about her left me. I was free to enjoy myself. Even if she didn’t love debates, she wouldn’t need to pretend she did to create the same effect. She could say: “Haven’t been to anything like that, but I’m always up for something new. I’m in.” “Sounds interesting! I’m in.” “Love that idea. I’m in.” “I’m in. Let’s grab a drink somewhere after” (this has the added certainty of you being confident enough to suggest something else in the same evening).

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When a man feels you are ‘game’ in life, he feels there’s nothing he won’t be able to enjoy with you. Not only that, he won’t feel judged, so you’re likely to find him bringing you into his private world of interests and passions that he would never normally open the door of to other women. What if you want to politely decline but still get asked out again? Use this message: “I can’t that night : (, but I want to see you. Let me know when you’re free so we can do something.”

This message follows our recurring text messaging principle of not asking questions where it is not necessary to do so, but it shows you are interested in a very confident way. “I want to see you” is a powerful statement. Telling him to “let you know” when he is free is a bold way of inviting HIM to ask you on another date, without doing the chasing yourself.

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Chapter 20 How to Have Great Conversations That He Doesn’t Want to End Great conversation is not a tennis game. You don’t want to endlessly hit balls back and forth, dispassionately feeding each other question after question until you run out and have nothing left to give. Think of good conversation more like basketball. Your teammate passes you the ball, and you control it. You run it down the court, do a trick or two, and only when you’re good and ready do you guide the ball back to your teammate’s hands. People always worry about the first lines of conversation, wondering how they will summon up anything to say to a guy they barely know. But this is easy if you master a few fundamentals of the game. 1. Answering the question: “How are you?” •• “What’s up?” •• “How’s it going?” •• “What’s been going on?” 108     Matthew Hussey

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It’s the first thing you hear from a guy you don’t know very well. People ask, “How are you?” to get things started. It’s a way of buying time before they think of anything to say. You throw it out there, and desperately hope that one of you will bring up a topic more interesting than what kind of pasta you had for lunch that day. It’s an annoying, frustrating, seemingly vacuous question, but it’s also one we all have to search for an answer to every day of our lives, so we need a way to deal with it. What do most of us do when someone asks this question? We immediately want to throw the ball back. We unthinkingly respond: “Err…I’m good thanks, how are you?” We don’t really think about whether our life is actually good or not, we just act on instinct like a frightened lion. But the problem with that stock response is it sacrifices a chance to give value to the conversation. All you’ve done is put the pressure back on someone else, instead of using the opportunity to steer the conversation somewhere more interesting. To return to our basketball analogy, it’s as though your teammate passed you the ball and you stood there and immediately threw it back to them, without moving either of you down the court a single inch (not exactly a maneuver that’s going to win any MVP awards). So let’s look at a couple of conversational tricks you can use when that ball comes sailing in your direction.

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1. Answer the question you wish you had been asked You probably have some great topics in your head – passions that excite you, interesting stories, ideas about what you want to do this year – but when you’re with a guy you suddenly feel stuck on the most mundane aspects of your life. Don’t let this happen! You have to be bold here. You need no excuses. Just start talking about whatever is exciting you right now. So if he says, “How are you?” You might respond: “I’m great! I was talking to my friend earlier about this film festival we went to the other day. We saw all the classics: Citizen Kane, Gone With The Wind, Vertigo. Now I want to see all those old films on a cinema screen! Have you been to a film festival before?”

Why does this work so well? Because now you’ve given him a ton of conversational threads to pick up. He could talk about his love for Citizen Kane. He could talk about other classic movies he’s seen. He could share a story of a film he recently saw in the cinema. With one answer, you’ve gotten to something you’re passionate about simply by giving an interesting response to the “how are you?” question that is the bane of most people’s existence.

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THE POLITICIAN TRICK This follows a technique that politicians use all the time: you answer the question you wish you had been asked.

When he asks you how you are, you can also answer with something playful and exaggerated. Something like: “I’m amazing. I just had the best latte in LA, so I’m really happy.”

This shows you can be passionate about ordinary things, which is a great quality to show early on. It’s also the kind of extreme statement that gives him something to latch onto immediately, e.g. “Best latte in LA? Where is that then?!” 2. Observe what’s around you If you’re at his place and see a book on his coffee table that you’ve read, talk about it. Ask him about his reading habits in general. If you see photos on his wall of a holiday, talk about your favorite trips. If it’s his family, ask him about them. My friend John is a pro at this kind of observation. I remember when he walked into an office of a guy he had never met before, noticed a movie poster and said: “I remember seeing this movie for the first time on a date ten years ago. I still think about that final scene at least once a month to this day. How crazy is that?”

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“I went to Morocco years ago too. Did you feel like you were going to crash in every taxi ride like I did? They drive crazy there!”

Or maybe you see a sports trophy, and say: “I’m so jealous you have a trophy for an achievement like that. I’ve always wanted to have one but never played a sport seriously enough to win any”.

See how much conversation you can come up with when you pay attention to the things around you? 3. Get his opinion Respond to his “How are you?” by seeking his opinion on a particular subject. E.g. He says: “How are you?” You reply: “I’m good. I was just thinking today, isn’t it weird when you just hate something everyone else seems to love? I just finished reading 50 Shades Of Grey after my friend wouldn’t stop pushing it on me and I just couldn’t get into it at all. Do you have something you can’t stand that everyone thinks you’re crazy for hating?”

Now you have an easy transition to asking his opinion on something more interesting. Opinion questions are great because they bypass small talk and get you to know someone’s personality five times faster than you would with endless small talk. 112     Matthew Hussey

Chapter 21 How to Get Him to Open Up Every relationship begins with a conversation. Every friendship is defined by a long string of experiences and conversations about those experiences. Even every bout of meaningless, passionate sex is punctuated by the odd dialogue about who you both are and what you are doing in the universe. Conversation never stops being important. Like dull writing, dull conversation is stale, unemotional, cliché, routine, passive, and can trap you in a nightmare spawned from hell if you have no choice but to endure it. Here’s an imaginary but familiar conversation between a couple at dinner: How was work? Fine. How’s Bill? Yeah, Bill’s good. Did you call the electrician today by the way? Yeah.

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Also, we really need to get that new furniture sorted this weekend. Let’s go to the store on Saturday. Okay. Have you decided on which sofa set you wanted yet? No. The questions are pedestrian. The answers are flat. There is a difference between conversation and connection. I think conversations can change and even save our lives. The best conversation is about encouraging someone else to dig out their soul and offer it up for examination. Here are some easy ways to encourage them: 1) Ask questions that give him permission to open up emotionally People are begging to express themselves to somebody. The film director Kevin Smith once said people have three needs: Food, Sex, and the Need To Be Heard. But people will be scared to open up for many reasons. They’re shy. They’re frightened of your response. Which is why you need to give them permission to emotionally express themselves. The easy way to do this? Ask emotional questions, not logical ones. Logical questions look like this: “Where did you grow up?” “How many brothers and sisters do you have?” “How old are you?” “What do you do?” 114     Matthew Hussey

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“What part of town do you work in?” “How long have you been living here?” Emotional questions look like this: “What was the best lesson you learnt by finishing your first book?” “When you do [insert his passion here], what part about it do you love the most?” “Is family important to you?” “What makes you love New York more than other cities?” “Why did you decide to move to Australia for a year? Did it do for you what you thought it would?” These questions all prompt reflection on emotion, not logic. Feeling, not facts. An excellent Huffington post article  talks about a couple who recently incorporated these kind of specific reflective questions into their relationship. The author, Glennon Melton, explains: “Questions are like gifts — it’s the thought behind them that the receiver really FEELS.” I couldn’t agree more. 2) Use the ‘Sigmund Freud Method’ When a guy is opening up to you, be almost clinical in the way you respond. Do not judge him. Do not criticize or noticeably gasp when he tells you something embarrassing or crazy or bad that he did. Make him Matthew Hussey    115

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feel like it is perfectly normal, then show him more curiosity. In other words, just give him room to speak without feeling judged! The moment you wince, balk, gasp, or raise a skeptical eyebrow while he’s talking, he’ll close up and decide to stop because he feels your reaction to what he’s telling you. Therapists of all kinds have the skill of being able to let someone speak and ask questions to prompt them to dig deeper. Be generous and probe for him to give more.  What was that like? What else happened? Are there other things you are worried/excited about at the moment? Had you always wanted to do that? People tend to reveal themselves when they feel like they (a) have plenty of room to speak, (b) won’t be judged for their actions, and (c) feel like you are curious to hear their answers. Do this and a guy will instantly feel at ease in bringing any conversation to you. 3) Let him talk about his expertise People want to share their wisdom. If you want a guy to open up, ask for his advice about what he does. If he’s crazy about sports, ask him: “What’s your best advice for someone to keep fit? Do you have a special diet?”

If he is passionate about his business, say: “What’s the thing no-one appreciates about running a business?”

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Or: “Do you think anyone can be an entrepreneur?”

If he adores books, say: “Which authors do you wish people read more of?”

These questions are interesting because they tell you about a person’s inner beliefs and perspective on life, which then let’s you share your own views if you agree or disagree. 4) Reveal your own vulnerabilities Show that you’re human by revealing vulnerabilities and foibles. Nothing that says,  “I’m a mess”, but enough to say,  “I have flaws, and I’m cool with that”. As long as you say them with a sense of humor to show that you don’t take it too seriously, men will love you for it. If you try to be too squeaky clean and perfect, men will feel alienated by you and won’t want to open up for fear of looking weak in front of you. One great way to display vulnerability is to show something you’re afraid or nervous of, as well as how you are moving through your fear and pushing forward regardless. For example, “I’ve been asked to speak at my sister’s wedding and I’m so nervous about it. Giving a speech in front of my entire family and friends is nerve-wracking. I’ve started doing public speaking classes to get myself prepared. I know I’ll be ready on the day, and I’ve just about learnt the speech, but it’s kind of scary right now!”

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See here how you can express a lack of confidence but still come across as positive and in charge of the situation? You are showing a fear, but you’ve also shown that (a) you’re doing something about it, and (b) you are not going to crumble in the face of this obstacle. What’s truly attractive is a woman who is aware of her character flaws and challenges, but knows how incredible she is anyway. She doesn’t care about her little vulnerabilities because she secretly knows how awesome she is overall. You must always trust that your good points outweigh the vulnerabilities you are prepared to voice. 5) Get him talking about his dreams Engage him by talking about his dreams and the big picture. Ask him the BIG QUESTIONS, such as: “What would you most like to have achieved when you look back on your life?”

If he’s an artistic type, ask him: “Would you rather be a great writer, a great musician, or a great painter?”

If he’s ambitious for money and lifestyle, say: “If you could have mansions in two countries, where would you want them?”

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The future is great because it’s easy for people to get excited about their upcoming plans. You’ll learn a lot about someone’s inner ideals when you ask them about their dreams and goals. Take on these principles and you’ll have a guy talking to you for hours because he feels he can truly reveal himself around you.

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Chapter 22 How to Make a Man Fall in Love With Impressing You Men need to impress you. It’s not because men are narcissists who need constant praise from all those around them. But they do need to feel like they possess something special to the woman they decide to be around. The woman a man chooses to be with holds an insane amount of power to lift him up to his very best, or send him crashing down in a spiral of negativity and broken self-esteem. One of the best things you can do on a date to show a man you’re interested is to be impressed with him. “But maybe I don’t find him that impressive!” you respond. Okay, don’t date him then. If he doesn’t impress you, he’s not the guy for you. Simple. Choose guys who have characteristics you admire and cherish. And show him why these are impressive to you.

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This doesn’t mean you have to pander to narcissists. Some entitled, self-important guys think they are God’s Gift To Women, believing that wealth or achievement somehow entitles them to endless female approbation. You can spot these guys early on. If he never seems curious about you, or wants to make minimal effort on every date, or has no interest in your passions and dreams, or if he endlessly brags about everything he has accomplished, then you can quickly shake off this guy and move on to someone with a healthy sense of proportion. But, the point is, on the first few dates, you really don’t know much about this guy. Let me show you a quick example of what not to do here. Below is an example of what I call “story-trumping”. It’s when one person tries to tell you a story that he’s passionate about, only to have his partner immediately override him with their own ‘superior’ anecdote. For example: Him: “I went to the Far East this year. Shanghai was one of the coolest cities I’ve ever seen in my life.” Her: “Oh, I lived in China for five years, I know it really well. Have you been to Vietnam? You should definitely go there if you haven’t.”

You might think this is just your honest response, but look at the way it dismisses his cool experience and brushes it off without interest or follow-up.

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He’s clearly telling the story because he wants to impress you about his traveling experience, so the most attractive thing you can do is ask him more, e.g. “That sounds so fun. What was it like?” You can always tell him about your experiences afterwards, but let him open up before you share in return. This is your chance to wow him by being impressed by him. Try this instead: Him: “I went to the Far East this year. Shanghai was one of the coolest cities I’ve ever seen.” Her: “Oh wow, China is incredible. That’s so fun that you went there! Was it a culture shock?” Him: “It was pretty different! The food was so cheap though. You can get a huge plate of beef and noodles for less than two dollars!” Her: “That sounds like heaven. I’ve heard the street food in Vietnam is the best in the world. I’ve always wanted to go there too! What was the best part of the city for you?”

This conversation generates ten times the rapport of the previous one. You are sharing his enthusiasm, and amplifying it further. Praise the Trait, Not the Achievement Some guys will brag about a sporting achievement, telling you of a marathon they ran last summer and saying how proud they were of beating a personal best. Or maybe they’ll tell you they played serious college basketball. Maybe they’ll mention how well their software business has done since they decided to take the risk and go it alone.

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In these cases, praise the trait and not the achievement. For example, if a guy says how successful his business is, and that he now has a holiday home in Florida, rather than saying: “Wow, you must be doing really well to have all that.” Say instead: The Hero Technique “I think it’s so great you’ve had the drive to create something of your own and the dedication it takes to achieve that. It’s really impressive.”

Complimenting the character traits that make him successful is more classy and subtle than being impressed with what he has acquired, e.g. houses, cars, etc. See how in the latter example you’re praising who he is. This makes you more memorable in his eyes and makes him feel better when he’s around you. If a guy has a sporting achievement, you can equally say, “Wow, that’s so impressive. You must be so dedicated. I really admire the focus of people who train every day. It must have taken so much mental strength to do. Well done!” A guy treasures a compliment like this, because he feels like you are seeing him the way he wants to be seen. It’s like someone who truly understands a part of him. I always feel this when people compliment me on my own business. If people tell me they admire the business itself or the success of it, I feel flattered. But if they admire the traits that I feel went into Matthew Hussey    123

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creating it, I feel connected to that person in a much more powerful way. If you show a guy you admire the traits that made him the man he is, that’s when you’ll start to become the woman he can’t replace.

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Chapter 23 How to Be the Woman Who Endlessly Fascinates Him What does it take to be interesting in a long-term relationship? We’ve all read those repetitive magazine articles that harp on about the need to spice things up sexually in the bedroom after twenty years of marriage. But what about spicing up our conversation? However you look at it, any relationship involves spending hours and hours in our partner’s company, chatting and exchanging knowledge, sharing our opinions and our worldview, our thoughts on life, the universe, and everything else. I recently came to the conclusion that over the long-term, developing our thoughts, ideas and opinions is perhaps the only thing that keeps a relationship feeling fresh and interesting. There are two ways to do this: reading books and learning new skills, hobbies and interests. If you read a lot, or are a big learner anyway, that probably sounds elementary. Of course you want someone who is knowledgeable and understands the world around them! Matthew Hussey    125

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Am I saying that everyone has to be an intellectual? No. But learning and having passionate interests is the very cornerstone of good conversation. I know plenty of friends who have never been to university, but who are fiercely dedicated to their own learning, more so than most college graduates I know. They spend time each year picking new skills to learn, be it in programming, marketing, cooking, marathon-training, massage, CrossFit, coffee-making, managing a business, investing, painting, writing, or any pursuit which strains their cognitive abilities and requires them to immerse themselves in a field that widens their knowledge-base. The most interesting, fascinating people I’ve ever been in relationships with are committed to a relentless pursuit of knowledge and experiences. A commitment to life-long learning benefits your relationships in countless ways: •• You become less predictable You always have something new to teach your partner, which makes things always feel fresh in a relationship. Unpredictability is key to variety, and a sense of variety is what gives relationships fuel in the long run. People are very quick to talk about dedication to the physical side of things through diet and exercise (which I wholeheartedly believe in too), but in my opinion, they never talk enough about the importance of nurturing the cerebral side of the relationship.

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•• You are always growing A couple that learns together, grows together. The best relationships I’ve ever had are when I feel like my partner and I are evolving constantly as we progress through the relationship. When something stops growing, it’s usually the sign that it’s on its way to dying. Learn and grow, and all your relationships will flourish for it. •• You become wiser People who read and learn become wiser about life. Why? Because they expose themselves to opinions, lessons and complexities that they previously didn’t understand. Even when you undertake a new skill and struggle or fail at it, you are ten times richer than the person who stayed on the couch and followed the same stale routine they always do. •• You become more humble It was said that the Greek philosopher Socrates became the wisest man in Athens, not because he knew everything, but because he was profoundly aware of the fact that he knew nothing. The more you learn, the more you realize how much there is to learn, and this makes you a more humble person. People who refuse to read and learn tend to exhibit a kind of arrogance – as though they already have a perfect Matthew Hussey    127

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amount of knowledge to navigate the world and don’t need anything more. •• You have opinions on diverse topics of conversation It’s so sexy to a guy if the woman he loves has opinions on things that he brings up instead of having no interest because it’s something she just ignores. You don’t need to be an expert, just know enough to have a point of view. Or less so, just know enough to ask more insightful questions that allow you to learn about his interests. •• You can connect with different kinds of guys The amount of connections you can make with someone through reading and learning alone should convince you to do more of both. If you speak to a musician, you can tell them about your learning experience with the piano. Or that great biography you read on The Beatles. Or that article you read about how Mozart wrote his symphonies. The more broad and diverse your interests, the more you’ll be able to contribute in just about any conversation. This is why I’m such an advocate of at the very least being a regular reader of books. For those who may say that they prefer to learn from experience, guess what? Reading is learning from experience. When you learn from books, you learn from thousands of experiences of people smarter, wiser, and more eloquent 128     Matthew Hussey

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than most of us are, who can teach us about problems that have plagued humans since they first crawled out of the oceans. I’m not saying reading makes you a better person. That depends on the person reading the book. But plenty of studies show it makes people more understanding and empathetic towards others. You should think of reading and learning as something that will improve your thoughts, teach you about your own mind, and make you a more well-rounded and empathetic communicator. If that doesn’t stimulate you to stretch your knowledge base, I don’t know what will!

What Should You Read? I’m not going to go as far as produce a definitive reading list to inspire greater conversation. Generally, the only rule with reading is to read what is most interesting to you. Nothing more. All I’m going to do here is share a bunch of books that inspire me and which have stimulated a whole host of great conversations. These aren’t my favorite books of all time (though a few are), but they all have merit and insight, or are just plain fun. Use the list if you want. Pick from it. Or ditch them all and do your own thing. Books are your treasure to explore! •• The Honest Truth About Dishonesty: How We Lie to Everyone (Especially Ourselves) - Dan Ariely Matthew Hussey    129

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•• •• •• •• •• •• •• •• •• •• •• •• •• •• •• •• •• •• ••

Sum: 40 Tales From The Afterlife - David Eagleman Outliers: The Story Of Success - Malcolm Gladwell On The Shortness Of Life - Lucius Seneca Mastery - Robert Greene A Short History Of Nearly Everything - Bill Bryson The Psychopath Test - Jon Ronson Yes Man - Danny Wallace Thinking, Fast And Slow - Daniel Kahneman The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald Creativity Inc., - Ed Catmull (founder of Pixar) So Good They Can’t Ignore You - Cal Newport Daring Greatly - Brené Brown Daily Rituals - Mason Currey The Examined Life - Stephen Grosz Wolf Hall - Hilary Mantel Slaughter House 5 - Kurt Vonnegut The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat - Oliver Sacks Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind - Yuval Noah Harari Being Mortal: Illness, Medicine and What Matters in the End - Atul Gawande

How To Bring Up Your Reading In Conversation No-one wants to be a bore about their learning, using every conversation to crowbar in how many books they’ve read on a particular subject. Just bring it up when it is relevant. If you’re talking about genetics, you can just say: “I was reading this really interesting book the other day that talked about…”

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Or maybe you’re talking with a guy about psychology. You can bring in your reading by saying, “There’s this theory I read…”

Or say: “Have you had a chance to read [insert book title] yet? He talks about exactly the idea you’re talking about…”

You don’t just have to parrot what you read either. Tell people whether you agreed or disagreed, what you liked and didn’t like. The point at which you not only learn, but have opinions and analyze the things you learn is when you truly become interesting.

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Chapter 24 How to Make Him Feel Like a Man in 5 Simple Phrases

Secret About Men Masculine men can’t help but feel uncontrollable desire for women who exude femininity; women who make him feel like more of a man.

It doesn’t mean you have to act like a teeny-tiny kitten who pretends she has to be taken care of. This is just about using language that makes him feel like more of a man around you, which in turn increases your feminine appeal. Here are three ways you can do it: 1. “You’re such a guy”

Whenever he says something overtly masculine or macho, or he asks for the strongest whiskey at the bar, say this line in a cute way (you can even mock roll your eyes as you say it to show the playful tone).

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When you say this, he’ll think, “Yeah, I am a guy, aren’t I?” with a sense of pride. Remember: he wants to be associated with being a man in your eyes. This is why men are so repelled by women who emasculate them or who try to make them feel like a boy. It’s about how he is seen by the female race. It’s a small and subtle line. It’s delivered in a very low-key way, but it serves as an imperative reminder: you are a woman, he is a man. That’s the beginning of sexual chemistry. 2. “I feel really safe around you”

This line is better to say when you know the guy better. Maybe a guy you’ve been dating for a month or so. It plays to his masculinity. He feels like someone who is stronger around you. If you validate him for making you feel safe, he’s going to want to take more opportunities to do this for you. 3. “You’re so great, I feel bad for all the other women here who only get to look at you”

Again, this one is for a guy who has already earned your admiration, rather than a new man you’ve just begun dating. You’ll make him feel like the most special guy in the room when you say this; his chest will puff out a little bigger, he’ll walk a little taller, he’ll hug you a little tighter.

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Some women will read these lines and their instinct will be to roll their eyes at the blatant ego-stroking of these phrases. Those are often the same women who say they don’t like to build a man’s confidence too much because he’ll get cocky and look elsewhere. This is a losing philosophy. The idea that the best way to keep a guy’s interest is to never make him feel special and to keep him lukewarm is ridiculous. Confident guys want to feel special around you. The more you do it, the more he feels crazy about you because only you give him that unique one-of-a-kind feeling. If this all feels fake because you don’t feel that level of admiration for him as a man, I’ll repeat something I mentioned in an earlier chapter: start dating men you actually admire. 4. Pretend he’s rescuing you If he gets a spider out of the house, say: “Thank you for rescuing me”

And give him a hug. If he helps you lift up the bed to find something you dropped under it, you can say: “You’re always there to save me”.

Is it silly and a little clichéd? Yes. Does it work when you say these playful lines and make him feel awesome around you? Yes.

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5. See him as physically strong I remember a girlfriend once said to me: “I love your collarbone, it’s strong, like you” – I’ve never had my collarbone complimented before, but I can assure you I never forgot the compliment. Tell him you love his smell because it’s so masculine. Or let him know how strong he looks in his shirt and blazer. Or when he exercises, show that you’re a little impressed with how much weight he lifts.

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Chapter 25 How to Get Him to Express His Emotions to You Are men less emotional than women? It’s one of those old chestnuts we know isn’t really true. Whilst it may appear that way, men are not natural stoics, constantly running on neutral, unable to feel deep pain, embarrassment or get their feelings hurt. It’s more likely that men are less willing to share the range of emotions they feel, being taught from a young age to avoid emotional indulgence. Every man was once a boy, and as a kid, every boy had a moment when he got hit by a football in the playground, burst into tears and felt utter shame when the other boys laughed at him for being such a “cry-baby”, “wuss”, or, yes, a “girl”. I’m not saying this is healthy, but I’m saying it’s what happens. Men are taught to be faintly embarrassed about being overly emotional. They are told to get on with things, to move ahead and to be strong for others. This isn’t every man’s life, but those clichés will ring true as a description of the vast majority of male experiences. 136     Matthew Hussey

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Ask most men to describe how they are “feeling” outside of the context of being angry and most will have a hard time knowing where to begin. What does this mean for your relationship? Does it mean he’s forever emotionally stunted and that until society changes you have to deal with this grunting rhino who just gives you one word answers when you try to crack through his thick emotional armor? Of course not. Men ARE capable of expressing how they feel. Some, of course, are naturally better at doing this than others. Some men will strike you as much more emotionally volatile than you are – there are men who wear their heart on their sleeve, who cry at Casablanca, and who seem a little too gooey with feelings for you. Maybe he’s even too much of an emotional bear for you and you need him to be more of a strong knight who can be your rock in difficult times rather than fall apart. But let’s suppose you’ve got a classic Grunting Rhino type guy. Whenever you sit him down for a conversation about how you feel, he seems to clam up. He shuts down. It’s like he has an iron safe in his mind and you can’t crack the combination no matter how much you turn the dial. What do you do here? Rule No. 1 - Do not confront him and demand he open up. Don’t say: “Just tell me how you feel! I want to hear your emotions! All of them!” Matthew Hussey    137

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He might have ten emotions at once, and he’s not about to sit and decode every last feeling he has. “Well I’m a bit hungry, earlier I got a little depressed but then felt happier when I spoke to Ben on the phone, then I was excited about the upcoming conference at work, but then I got anxious about all the work I have to finish before I leave…” That’s what he thinks when you demand he share his feelings. He doesn’t know what you’re looking for (again, guys are less emotionally evolved than women on this front). Asking him how he feels point blank will often get you little in return. Rule No. 2 - You have to make him feel COMPLETELY safe and protected for expressing his emotions. A man gets very nervous about spilling out his deepest emotions to you. This is especially true if he thinks you will do any of the following: •• Mock him for what he says •• Make him feel like less of a man for being vulnerable •• Make him feel weak and pathetic for being upset •• Get angry at him for not feeling what you want him to feel •• Get emotional back and respond by breaking down and being hurt, so that he needs to apologize for being honest. If you cannot hear what your man has to say without responding in any of these ways, don’t expect him to open up the next time you want him to. 138     Matthew Hussey

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If you respond in ANY of the ways above, you will guarantee that your man sinks back into his shell whenever you start an emotional conversation. Think of yourself as a psychoanalyst, in which your job is to hear him out and ask him questions to penetrate further. Remain neutral while he is talking. You can talk about your feelings and reactions later, but right now you need to give him room to talk. Rule No. 3 - Give him space to open up, and be non-judgmental. But what do you say to get him to open up? The best way is to have talks while you are occupied with something other than talking. In other words, a man is very likely to be intimidated and defensive if you sit him down at the kitchen table to talk face-to-face. Remember when your mother used to say: “We’re all going to eat at the dinner table together, turn off the TV and have a proper conversation.” Then she would turn off the TV and you’d all sit in silence with nothing to say! This phenomenon occurs because we all close up under pressure. We become less creative. Good conversation is about LOSING pressure and just letting go. One good way to do this is to start deeper conversations when you are both occupied doing other things. Here are a few possible scenarios that might work better to talk through feelings with him: •• You’re both having a walk to grab a coffee (imagine how much easier it is for him to talk to you walking side by side than staring into each other’s eyes intensely)

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•• Watching TV or a movie together (make sure it’s not his favorite show or a movie he actually cares about) •• Listening to music together (chill music!) •• When you are just laying down relaxed and being affectionate towards each other (i.e. you are starting from a positive and relaxed place) •• When you are sightseeing or walking around looking at buildings or art (moments where part of your focus is external to give you both time to think and process your thoughts without pressure). If your guy is in a bad mood and you want to understand, let him go through the bad mood. When he is ready, he’ll open up to you later, but you must remember: (a) Make him feel safe (b) Make him feel like he won’t immediately be judged (i.e. show him you won’t react badly to whatever is bugging him) For example, say: “I’m not looking for right or wrong answers, I just want to get an understanding of what’s going on for you right now.”

(c) Bring it up when you’re both distracted doing something else. When he’s in that bad mood and you don’t know what to do, it’s okay to busy yourself with something else in the meantime, by saying to him:

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“I understand that you don’t feel like talking, and I respect that. I can give you time to think. That way when I get back you and I can work as a team to resolve this.”

Open your laptop and do some work, go out to meet some friends, play sports – do your own thing and show him that he is welcome to be in a bad mood, but you also reserve the right to get on with your own stuff until he is ready to open up and talk about it. Do your best to stay calm and kind. Maybe he’s not sharing something because it makes him feel vulnerable. If this is the case, reassure him by saying: “I’m on your side, tell me. I love talking to you and sharing things together.”

Or as an alternative you can say with a playful wink: “Do you want to talk about it? I promise I’ll be on your side : )”

You can also say: “Let’s be teammates. I’m not asking so I can give advice or anything, I’d just love to know, it helps me understand you better.”

Or another option: “Do you feel like you can’t share your feelings with me because you think I’ll judge them? I’m asking because I care about you.”

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Remember, in general, guys don’t respond much to just being asked their feelings. They open up more when it is brought out naturally. You might ask him: “How was lunch with your parents the other day? Did you guys get a chance to talk about anything interesting?”

Rather than: “How did you feel after you spoke with your parents?” If you ask him about the specifics, he’ll be more likely to open up and share how he feels. E.g. “Did it upset you when I did [insert specific action here]?”

“Did I frustrate you when I said [insert specific sentence here]?”

“Do you feel I overreacted when [insert specific moment here]?”

If he says things like: “I don’t want to talk about it,” respond with: “I understand you don’t want to discuss it, and I know it’s not always comfortable. But if we don’t discuss it how will we move forward? And I want us to move forward together. I can go first if that helps.”

Remember those rules: Make him feel safe (i.e. not being judgmental or becoming emotional yourself), do not confront him, and have discussions while you’re both engaged in other activities, rather than point-blank approaching him and making him feel undue pressure. 142     Matthew Hussey

Chapter 26 How to Make Him Feel More at Home With You Than Any Other Woman I remember a New Year’s Eve years ago when I went to visit my girlfriend at the time and her family in another country. After dinner, her family, friends and I went to the dance floor. I’m not a world-class dancer, but I enjoy dancing, especially when I’m relaxed and everyone is just having fun. Except this woman didn’t make me feel relaxed and fun. Every single step I made she would look and stifle a giggle. Then she would correct my moves and try to adjust me with her hands, telling me, “Loosen up your shoulders!” Suffice it to say that back then my internal confidence wasn’t quite as resilient as it is today. So what do you think happened? I felt embarrassed and shut down. If I was tense before, after hearing those words my shoulders had frozen as I became more and more self-conscious of every movement of my hands. I was suddenly hyperaware and whatever pleasure I was getting from moving along to the beat had evaporated. I was now putting on a performance for approval. All the while, oblivious to how uncomfortable I was, my girlfriend

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went on ‘adjusting’ me and giving me the impression I had no idea what I was doing. We didn’t last. Some years later I had a completely different dancing experience with a new girlfriend in Los Angeles. Only, this experience completely changed my feelings about dancing with a woman. She would turn on the stereo in the apartment full blast, come into my bedroom and pull me off the bed. If I resisted she would pout and say, “Please come dance with me babyyyy”, and we would spontaneously dance around together. We were totally in our own world, free of judgment, free of inhibition, just smiling at each other and loving every minute of being ourselves together. She wasn’t worrying about what I was doing. All she cared about was the two of us having a moment together. At the end of it we would collapse, out of breath in a heap of laughter. When I was around this girl, I got lost in the moment. She made me feel like nothing I did was to be felt ashamed of or embarrassed by, and as a result, I felt completely open to her. Not only that, I felt she brought parts of me out that naturally stay in. She brought out the best in me. Bear in mind she never said: “Why won’t you dance?” which would have made it about me. Instead she would adorably say: “Dance with me, don’t leave me on my own” and make a sad face. She knew how to make it about her and tease me out of my shell. It was hard to resist. There were nights where she would say things like:

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“Let’s go out dancing tonight, you and me. I love when it’s just you and me and we dance together. It makes me so happy, we have so much fun together, don’t we?” I would never before have imagined just going out with a girlfriend on our own and dancing, and yet with her I did. She created a world where we could do anything, where not only did we not judge each other, but where we ceased to care about the judgment of other people. Whenever you make a man feel like he can humiliate himself, either through what he says or does, you are reducing his closeness to you, and encouraging him to hide parts of his personality from you. If you want your man to open up, show him total acceptance and share in the good time with him. Let him be goofy and do silly things that make you both laugh. Show you indulge his nerdy hobbies and that he doesn’t need to feel ashamed of them. Let him try spontaneous activities that might be a failure but at least allow him to take risks in front of you. In the above example on dancing, here are some scripts that would work after the fact: “I love how much fun we have together. When we went out dancing the other night I had SUCH a good time.” “I love when we dance together.” “I find you sexy when you dance.”

The key is making it about what a great time you have together. You can obviously adapt these scripts to any situation where you want to make your man feel at home with you and free to be himself. Matthew Hussey    145

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The more he can be 100% himself around you, the more irreplaceable you are in every way in his mind, and the more he will open up to you in the future. When we find someone truly special in the world, it’s because they make us feel the most free. Free to say what we feel, dance how we like, and be exactly who we are. There is a moment in the movie American Hustle where Christian Bale’s character Irving is talking about this feeling with the woman he is falling in love with: “I felt like we had a secret, just the two of us. You know, like that thing when you just wanna be with the one person the whole time and you feel like the two of you understand something that nobody else gets. I could just tell her everything about myself. And I’d never had anybody like that in my life before. It felt like finally I could truly be myself, without being ashamed, without being embarrassed.” That’s a vision of love that makes me weak at the knees. What about you?

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Chapter 27 How to Make Your Man Feel Amazing With Compliments Not all compliments are made equal. I remember being on a date with a woman I thought was drop-dead gorgeous. She drove me insane (first in a good way, then, later, a bad way). The reason she drove me nuts (in a bad way) wasn’t because of some enormous problem. It was something very small. Every time I would do something she liked, she would always say: “That’s sooo cute.” When I told her about my closeness with my brothers: “That’s sooo cute.” When I told her about my passion for my career: “That’s sooo cute.” When I called to surprise her with a reservation at a top restaurant: “That’s sooo cute.” I began to loathe that word, and soon, her saying it triggered anger in me every time she said it. Matthew Hussey    147

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Cute is what you say when a puppy rolls onto its back and wags its tongue expecting its belly to be tickled. Cute is that little kid who draws a picture of his teenage babysitter in his coloring book because he thinks she looks like a princess. I wanted to be her towering romantic hero, not her “adorable little boyfriend”. So what ARE some great compliments you can pay a man?

Three Keys to Man-Melting Compliments Great compliments are ornaments that you hang on your wall and return to every time you want to feel a positive emotion. If your compliments are bland and generic, you’ll never stick in a guy’s brain as someone who notices how unique and special he is. The ideal compliment should communicate three things to a guy: (a) He is unique (b) You have paid attention to his qualities (c) You admire him A compliment is not a mindless platitude. It’s about showing someone we see them for their best qualities. We all want to be around people who see us the way we want to be seen. When a woman does this, it makes that woman unique to him and he doesn’t want to lose her. Even the simple non-specific compliment, “You are such an incredible man,” will make many men go weak at the knees because it’s not something they are used to hearing.

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When tied to something specific, it becomes even more powerful: E.g. •• “You have the ability that few men have to have a genuine vision for your life, it’s so sexy.” •• “I love the way you helped that elderly lady with the door earlier today, I have the most amazing man.”

When you do compliment a guy, it’s wonderful when you can praise a unique quality he never knew he had, or a quality he always thought himself as being under-appreciated in him by everyone else. How do you find such qualities? For one thing, you have to really think about the guy before you compliment him. You also have to be honest. Avoid the boring clichés. If you’re going to tell him, “You’re amazing,” tell him why he’s amazing. If he brings you coffee and croissants in bed, tell him: “You’re amazing. You always think about me and make me feel so loved.”

Or maybe when he talks passionately about a book he read recently, you say: “This is why I love you. Do you know how unique it is to find someone who is so passionate about learning? I love being able to share that with you as a couple.” Matthew Hussey    149

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Even when you’re in bed in the morning, say: “I love how warm you are to cuddle up to. You make me feel so safe.”

All these moments are making him feel more and more special, and it’s like you are always noticing these unique qualities about him. If you really want to score points, admire two completely separate but complimentary qualities in him in the same sentence (i.e. his ‘unique pairings’). Let’s take the example above: “This is why I love you. It’s so sexy to have a man who is both so active and masculine when it comes to physical activity and yet so passionate about learning and books. You’re so unique.”

See how specific this compliment is? It’s not like just telling him “you’re so cute,” which is unspecific and could apply to any guy. It could be made simpler by saying: “How is it you’re so smart but also so sexy and masculine? It’s such a turn-on.”

I remember once introducing a girlfriend to an old jazz record I adored. It was a fairly sentimental number, a world away from a lot of the hip-hop I usually listen to. She listened to it and said to me: “I love the man you are. You are so diverse in the types of things you enjoy. The fact that you are someone who enjoys current music and can go out and dance to hip-hop, and yet, when you can, listen to a beautiful jazz song from way back and be completely passionate about it. It says so much about you.” 150     Matthew Hussey

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For another example, let’s turn our compliment about the elderly lady above into a ‘unique pairing’ compliment. So our original compliment… “I love the way you helped that elderly lady with the door earlier today, I have the most amazing man.” Becomes… “I love the way you helped that elderly lady with the door earlier today. You’re so exciting and bold and yet you’re such a gentleman at the same time. I have the most amazing man, it’s crazy.”

It’s also worth noting how valuable it is to show a man that you are in love with him as a person. Just as a beautiful woman wants to be loved for more than her beauty, a successful, attractive man wants to be loved for more than what he has achieved or what he looks like. “I’m in love with the man you are” is perhaps even more powerful than “I love you” because the former seems to suggest a love of his character and the principles that define him – things that won’t go away with time. It is this type of compliment that engenders a deep sense of security in him that your love and loyalty will not falter with time either, and even the most confident men see you show you love them for who they are and the choices they make. These compliments aren’t needy, by the way. They are powerful and confident. Neediness says: I can’t function without you. A high-value compliment says: You enrich my world for being a part of it.

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Communicate the latter and a guy will melt for you every time. 9 Other Quick Compliments that I Have Heard or Overhead that Worked Like a Charm (no matter how they may sound):

•• “You walk like a man that gets things done.”

Nice to have one’s walk complimented at the same time as being gifted with the quality of being a man who gets things done. •• “You look sexy when you’re driving.”

Why not take something as everyday as driving and make him feel sexy for it? No one else is, so it has the added effect of making YOU stand out. •• “I appreciate the way you make time for us.”

A clever way to get him to keep doing something you enjoy is to compliment him on it early, and sometimes even prematurely (i.e. when he does it once but before you can really say he does it regularly). It’s this kind of compliment that can turn a one off action on his part into a habit. •• “You look attractive when I see you reading or handling business.”

Because what guy doesn’t want to feel attractive while he’s handling business?

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•• “I’m proud of that decision you made.”

Many women complain about their men being indecisive. Why not give him reinforcement when he makes a decision. Or be more direct by saying: “I love how decisive you are, even about the little things” when he makes a decision, for example on what restaurant to book for the two of you that night. •• “You make me feel beautiful when you take my hand as we walk down the street.”

Give him a reason to hold your hand if that’s something you want more from him. •• “I’m blown away by the way you take charge when there is a problem.”

It’s the same idea here as the decision making example. You want a man who feels confident when he deals with problems, so support him when you see him doing it well. •• “You have the manliest chest.”

You can pretty much say this about any part of his body and it will do the trick. •• “Your butt looks good in those pants.”

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Men aren’t used to hearing compliments like this generally, so it will make him feel special if you compliment the way he looks in clothes. You get the point. These are just examples, but there are a thousand more you can come up with yourself to suit your guy once you have the hang of it.

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Chapter 28 How to Make Him Feel Needed By You (So He Won’t Ever Need Any Other Woman) Part of making a man want to please you and only you is making him feel like he provides something unique for you that no one else does or perhaps ever could. You may wonder how this relates to him not wanting to please someone else. Men have two primal instincts: Provide and Protect. These are strongly tied to his ego. When he is around a woman who makes him feel like he does these things on a high level, not only does it encourage him to do them more, it makes him less likely to want to have these needs satisfied by someone else. It’s become fashionable in a post-feminist world to decry the idea of men protecting and providing as some kind of antiquated idea wrapped up in patriarchy, and an old-fashioned desire of men to control women in relationships. This isn’t about him paying for your mortgage, or being the breadwinner. Usually, men who rely on finances as a way to boost

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their ego are insecure control-freaks who get a power-trip out of women relying on them. When we talk about Provide and Protect here, all we are talking about is a basic male desire to feel needed. This is one of the most powerful things your femininity achieves. For any woman who wants to instantly appear more feminine, you don’t need to seem weaker; you just need to show where you need his masculine energy.

How to Make Him Feel Needed •• Tell him what makes him special to you – A guy needs to know what he does well for you. You might tell him, for example: “No-one makes me laugh as much as you do. I just love it when we joke around together.”

To let you in on a funny story, I will never forget speaking to a friend of mine in high school who was describing his new girlfriend. He didn’t say how hot she was, he said: “This girl really finds me funny man. I mean she really laughs at my jokes!” It’s amazing just how much men appreciate it when a woman finds them special in some way. It never changes for us. •• Let him take care of you sometimes – If you’re into masculine guys, you need to show vulnerability now and then and let him lead in taking care of you. Maybe after a problem at work you get home and just wrap yourself in his arms and say: “Today was so frustrating at work. It made me miss you so much. I couldn’t wait to be in your strong arms again.” 156     Matthew Hussey

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You are letting him be a man for you. This doesn’t mean you always have to play the damsel, but you should feel comfortable showing genuine vulnerability, and, crucially, making him feel like only he is able to take care of you in that moment. •• Reinforce any behavior he does that makes you feel happy or protected – If he books a holiday and takes care of all the little details, or makes you chicken soup when you feel ill, or goes and buys you that make-up you said you wanted weeks ago, tell him how much you appreciate it and gush about how good he is at knowing exactly what you need. “How is it you know me so well? You’re the only person who could make me feel this good.”

“You’re the most protective man. It’s such a turn-on. I’ve always felt strong as a woman, but to be taken care of by you at times is the best feeling in the world. It’s a feeling I could only want from you.”

He gets to feel like a man for being your hero, and you get a guy who lives to look out for your needs! •• Show him you rely on him – Men love the idea that you rely on them to provide some things in your life. Maybe he cooks for you once a week, and you tell him you can’t wait for him to make your favorite meal this weekend. He’ll also love it if you show him that you are willing to trust him with making arrangements or bookings for flights, meals, or trips together. •• Show him you admire his character – Many successful guys worry about women who only admire what they have, rather than who they are.

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If he’s intellectual, tell him how much you appreciate his mind, and ask him questions about his interests that get him fired up and passionate. “The way your mind works is so sexy to me. I love hearing you talk about subjects. It’s like you are able to make anything interesting because of the way you think and talk about it.”

If he’s ambitious, show how much you admire his drive. “Your drive is so attractive for me to watch. I love how you always have such tenacity in the way you go after what you want.”

The principle is simple: Instead of admiring what he has created or achieved, admire the traits he has that made that possible in the first place. Warning: with this chapter, I’m not trying to turn you into a gushing sycophant about everything he does. There will obviously be times when you are pissed off at him and can’t think of anything nice to say. I’m not saying that in these moments you have to keep saying lots of sweet and lovely things and be some sort of Stepford wife. I’m just saying that if he feels unique and special to you, he’s far less likely to have the need to feel unique and special to someone else.

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Chapter 29 How to Make Him Melt With This Clever Bragging Technique Isn’t it annoying when you’re complimenting one of your friends, but they aren’t there to hear it? You wish you could tell them that you were saying nice things about them, especially because you know how special and loved it would make them feel. The same thing happens with our romantic partners too. You’re at a party talking to a friend, telling her about your new boyfriend, and you say: “He’s just so special. He’s so hot but smart and interesting as well. And he really makes an effort to be romantic too. He’s really amazing.” What if you could tell him this? How much would he love you and feel incredible in that moment? The great thing is, you can! Just do it very casually. In the middle of a normal conversation, say to him:

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“I was telling Jennifer that that’s what is so amazing about you. You always want the best for people and you’re always kind without ever complaining. It’s really special. I love that about you.”

You are getting 3 benefits here: 1) Your guy feels amazing and appreciated (which makes him appreciate you). 2) By hearing what qualities you love about him, he now has a blueprint for making you feel good. You reinforce his best side. 3) He knows that you are telling your friends about him, which makes him feel closer to you and more special. People truly appreciate it when they hear you are talking about them. Not that you just compliment him to his face, but to hear that you’ve been complimenting him to others is an even bigger bonus. It means you thought about him when he wasn’t there. Trust me: that means more than you know.

More Ways to ‘Brag to His Face’ •• “I couldn’t help but share how amazing I think your smile is. I was telling my girlfriends how when you smile it lights up the whole room. How you have that smile that forces you to smile when you see it. It’s so intoxicating.” •• “Not that I do it on purpose, but I always find myself talking about you, and when I do I realize, I’m bragging about what an amazing man you are.”

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•• “I’m always so proud to talk about how special you make me feel, how you know how to make me laugh and smile when I’m down. I tell everyone you’re my Superman, always saving the day.” •• “I wish you could’ve seen how jealous my girlfriends were when I told them how you tell me I’m beautiful every day.” •• “Because of the man you are, I feel so proud to be your girlfriend. I always want to tell people how proud I am when we walk into a room together.”

Remember, all of these only work if they come from a strong, confident place. When a self-assured woman uses these phrases, it melts a man. It’s like she is showing both strength and her gentle, caring side at the same time (this is a unique pairing that drives men wild). It does not work if these phrases are used in a needy, over-bearing way which makes it sound like you’re worshipping him, especially if you use them before you’re close enough to justify giving him such high praise. But used in the right moments, they can truly bring you closer together.

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Chapter 30 How to Respond to the Late Night Booty Call in a High Value Way What do you do with a guy who only ever calls you late at night to “come over” to his place? This ‘booty call’ scenario can really frustrate a lot of women when they like a guy, but wish he’d put more effort into making a meaningful connection. I’m not here to make judgments. Some guys treat women as a booty call because they just want to enjoy a carefree bachelor’s life. Others do it because they find a certain girl sexy and fun but don’t feel sufficient compatibility to be in a deep relationship with her. You probably have guys you feel this way about too. Maybe he’s got chiseled abs, a cute face, and is dynamite in bed, but also couldn’t locate Europe on a world map. Sex material? Sure. Relationship material? Not a chance. There’s also another reason a guy will try the booty call on you: because he thinks he can. Just chasing sex does not make him a bad guy.

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Often as a guy, after we have sex with a woman (and enjoy it), there’s a secret part of us that’s hoping this can just become a regular thing – where we can call her up at the end of a day, watch a movie and have kinky sex, sleep over and then take off in the morning. It’s not romantic (or it is a little romantic, but just never goes anywhere) and it may seem clinical – but I’m not here to sugarcoat the truth. I’ll say it again: This, on its own, does not make him a bad guy.

Key Idea Men will adhere to the parameters you set them. If you allow him to call you up at 10pm, come over and have sex, then he’ll just carry on with that situation. It’s a sweet set-up for him!

That’s not to say he doesn’t want commitment. It’s just that he can separate the part of himself that wants sex with the part of himself that wants to be emotionally attached.

Secret About Men Sex does not create an emotional attachment for a man. If he’s already emotionally attached to you, sex can be an important way for a guy to show that affection for you, but it won’t suddenly make him fall in love just because he was physical with you.

So how do you answer the guy who wants the booty call? What if you like this guy, but don’t want to become that girl who he thinks he can just call up for fun? The trick is: reject his attempt without rejecting him entirely.

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For example: You get that text at 10pm, “Hey, you at home now? Want me to come over so we can be warm and watch a movie?” Recognize this for what it is. He’s chosen to make contact at an hour where he knows you’re very likely to be in the house, which means he never planned on hanging out that evening or taking you out. He’s texting because he’s got the choice between being at home streaming porn, or coming over to see you. Again, this doesn’t mean he isn’t into you. But by texting so late he’s deliberately choosing not to make any real investment in being with you. The first time he tries this, just respond very casually. Give him the benefit of the doubt and say: “BOOTY CALL BUSTER” “I’m nearly asleep now I’m afraid. Maybe we can get together and do something on Saturday afternoon”.

(Notice how you say ‘maybe’ here – you are just saying you might hang out – if you’re available.) This response does two things: (a) Politely rejects his offer, but not him entirely – You’re telling him that coming over for late-night fun is off the cards. But you’re also giving him another option to take up during the day if he’s really interested. (b) Gives him a chance to try harder – You’ve closed a window, but opened a door. If he wants to invest quality time in you, he’ll take up the Saturday offer. If he only wanted to hang out because he was horny in the evening, Matthew Hussey    167

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then you’ll know because he’ll decline, and won’t offer an alternative meet-up. This is by far the most elegant way to respond to a booty call. If he persists and tries another night, you can be firmer, because now he’s not getting the message. But still be classy! Say: “I’m not really the kind of girl who does a 10pm meet-up. I prefer to get to know someone first. Just not my style, hope you understand x”

Or a sweeter way of doing this: “As much as I want to see you (and I do, lol) I have a bit of a personal rule against getting together late at night if I’m not actually with someone.”

If he persists again after you send this message, just ignore the texts. You’re not starting a negotiation after all; you’re sending him a message.

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Chapter 31 How to Respond to His “Sexting” Some guys like to turn up the heat very quickly. Maybe he’s not a perv, but he gets a little too sexual a little too quickly, and you want to put out the fire without completely throwing cold water over him. You want him interested, but to take it a little slower. Let’s say he says: “I can’t help thinking that I wish you were in my bed tonight.” Now this isn’t quite at the point of “sexting” (trading sexually explicit texts), but one can see how it would quickly lead there. All that would need to happen is for you to send something along the lines of: “Why, what would be happening?” and you’re there. But it’s possible to go a different route that both acknowledges and appreciates this comment without needing to take it any further. In other words, you don’t need to put out the flame altogether in order to avoid sexting. In the scenario above, don’t shrug off his suggestiveness in this scenario, just be playful but also gently turn the heat down.

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For example, you could reply: “I will imagine nothing of the sort…*ahem* ;)”

The subtext here is that although you are committed to being proper, you are also trying to hold it together (because he’s not making it easy to!). Here are a few alternatives: “You’re bad. Go to sleep ; )”

As I mention in the “Language of Desire” bonus, ‘bad’ is a great word for creating desire-building tension. “You’re trouble. Go to sleep!”

‘Trouble’ has a similar effect as ‘bad’ in creating sexual tension. I like that in both of these examples you are being authoritative and telling him what to do. It’s actually pretty hot! Or you could go the playful direction: “Oh, but then where would you sleep?! I couldn’t possibly steal your bed.”

It’s fun sometimes to play innocent, as if you have no idea what he is getting at. It shows the cheeky side of you and also ironically gives you a lot of control over the situation.

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Let’s take a different scenario. What if instead of the text above, he sent you something more sexually explicit like: “I wish I was sliding your panties off right now…” (Side note: I have no problem with these sorts of texts if you are already sleeping with him and have a sexual relationship. Whether or not this is true for you is up to you, but for me, sexting itself isn’t a crime.) Let’s assume for the example here that it has come prior to a sexual relationship and he’s just trying to create an unearned level of sexual dialogue (something you may have noticed is common on apps like Tinder). In this case, don’t give him too much power by taking it so seriously, i.e. “Are you joking sending me a message like that?” Instead say: “Are you always this forward with ladies after just one drink?”

A little more elegant, wouldn’t you agree? If he says “Yes”, respond with: “Well it sounds like you may have been seeing slightly different women than me, lol,”

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As an alternative, after he says “Yes” you could text: “I can be as naughty as the next person, but I usually have to know more than three things about someone first ; )”

Now, if he’s particularly cheeky or persistent at this point, he may respond by listing three things in line with your request: “Well, my name is David, I’m 35, and I love basketball” Your response can simply be: “Nice try ;)”

Notice in all of these how you are the one controlling his responses. You are making him dance to qualify himself. After this message you can simply sign off by writing: “Sleep tight, muah x”

You’ll notice that you’ve put an end to the conversation, but you still look cool and in control, and are able to maintain your elegance and femininity. That’s not something he can rid you of by trying to debase the interaction. At worst he may feel a little silly by the end of it, but he won’t feel berated or totally embarrassed by being shot down. At best he will be totally attracted to the fact that you have your own standards that you were able to hold to whilst still being unfazed by him. It may not have been the reaction he wanted, but he will respect it.

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Isn’t it nice to be able to put someone in their place without having to be accused of being the prude? The subtext: I can be as dangerous, exciting and sexual as the next person, just not with you… yet.

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Chapter 32 How to Slow Down His Sexual Advances and Make Him Even More Attracted to You in the Process What if things get hot and heavy a little too soon? After a few dates, you’ve ended up in your bedroom together, you’re both kissing, and it’s clear he’s expecting things to lead to sex. Here’s how to hit pause. Firstly, don’t wait until you’re both naked to say it. When things are starting to move towards sex, say to him: “As hot as I find you right now, it’s too fast for me to have sex yet”.

This is exactly the tone that will make him understand that while you’re into him, you also have a boundary that you don’t want to cross. You are making it about your rules, not to do with him. Imagine if alternatively you just said, “Stop, we’re not having sex”. This sounds dramatic, and it shoots him down in an angrysounding way. Moreover, it sounds like you don’t want to have sex with him at all, whereas the truth is you’re just not ready right now. 174     Matthew Hussey

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To put out a clear disclaimer so people don’t misunderstand: I am definitely not saying that you should be afraid to say “No!” outright to any guy who makes unwanted sexual advances. Of course you can and must be explicit if a guy doesn’t get the message that you don’t want to have sex with him. Your safety always comes first. But assuming this is a decent guy who is just getting hot and heavy with you, the best way to reject his advances is simply to show him that while you have physical desire for him, you’re just not at the point in the relationship yet where you are ready to have sex. He may be a little sexually frustrated, and that’s okay. If he’s a big boy, he’ll get over it, and if he likes you, frankly he won’t mind waiting. But make sure you physically validate him when you reject him – it makes him feel wanted, which is half of what he really is looking for anyway. If he knows you want him soon, and that you are thinking about him in a sexual way, it won’t matter to him if you save the sex for a future date. Other Ways to Reject His Advances •• “I’m a lady, I need to know you a little better before I do this with you”

The key word in this sentence is “before”. Why? Because it shows him it’s a delay, not a denial. You are just saying “not yet” instead of “never”! •• “I couldn’t do that just yet, even for a man as smooth/ charming as you”

This is a great line because it pays him a compliment at the same time as delaying him.

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•• “Oh God… you do make it difficult don’t you? I really can’t right now, I need to get to know you better first. But shame on you for getting me all hot and heavy. That’s not fair.”

This line is playful and it tells him you’re sexually excited by him, even though you still want to wait before actually having sex.

What if He is Really Persistent? Some guys will get impatient. They may even get frustrated. If he gets too frustrated… pay attention. It’s usually an alarm bell that this guy is either lacking in chivalry or desperate to get what he wants right now because he’s not planning on seeing you again. If he keeps trying to kiss you and take it further despite your rebuffs, you can say: “Listen, I like you, I really do. But I wouldn’t just sleep with someone because I’m attracted to them. Casual sex is easy but it’s not where I am. I’m not just having fun. Being intimate to me is something that is for someone that it’s going somewhere with. I know that may sound a little old-fashioned but that’s just how I am. It’s not easy to say that because it’s obvious to me how good it would be between us, we have a ton of chemistry.”

Note: If this is your stance, stick to it, and don’t tease him by groping his groin and sending him mixed messages while you kiss him. Kiss him, be passionate, show your sexuality, but draw the line at acts that suggest you are ready for him to try to have sex with you.

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Chapter 33 How to Respond to Last Minute Date Requests One of the most brilliant lines I ever heard from a woman came when she was putting me in my place. I fly back and forth between New York and Los Angeles for my TV spots in The Today Show. Although I am greatly appreciative for the air-miles I’ve racked up doing this gig (and less grateful for the many hours sitting in airports), one of the difficulties of flying between two cities becomes apparent in my dating life. While the song lyrics “hoes in different area codes” might come to mind, the truth of dating between two cities for a single man is far less glamorous. It means that, no matter who I’m dating, I’m always going to be dragged away at some point to go to another city. I remember when I started casually seeing a girl in New York I was useless at giving her forewarning when I was leaving town. On one trip I text her at the very last minute, asking if she wanted to spend 30 minutes together before I went to the airport to fly to LA (I know, lame right?). She text me back saying:

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“I’m not really a 30-minute time slot kind of person. Text me if you want to spend some proper time together next time you’re in town handsome x ;)” I was blown away by the confidence of this text. She communicated SO MUCH about her value in that tiny, short message. I remember jumping into my taxi heading for the airport and kicking myself for not getting in touch with her sooner to make plans. I was in LA a month later, and my agent called up to say: “Matt, they want you back on The Today Show in three days. We’re going to book you on a flight to New York tomorrow, is that okay?” I sighed and braced myself to do my laundry and pack my suitcase as usual. But you can guess who I wanted to call in New York and make plans with first.

More Ways You Can Respond to His Last-Minute Date Requests H.V.R Scripts •• “You always give me so much notice don’t you ; ). I’m actually out with some people right now handsome, gimme some notice next time and we’ll see if we can make it work x”

This calls him out in his lack of forward planning, but playfully. It also alludes to your high-value life. You call him handsome, which is a sweet touch. But you’re also issuing him a command. You’re not making it certain that it will happen; he still might have to do a bit of work.

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•• “Who have you dated before that is available on such short notice?? lol”

This line is more direct. Use it if he has done this before and frequently texts you lastminute. It’s a perfect way of putting yourself in a different class, and it lets him know that getting in touch at the last second isn’t your normal way of dating. •• “I’m busy tonight but we should def catch up another time”

This is for someone you’ve never been on a date with, or don’t know that well. It sends a nice, clear message without being passiveaggressive or showing much emotional attachment to the situation (which will make him want to catch up with you as soon as you’re next available). •• “You’re sweet for thinking of me, although I already have plans tonight. Would be great to get together soon though. Let’s see if we can make plans in the future, last-minute doesn’t always work with my schedule.”

I love this because it’s a classy way of telling him that you’re a busy woman and although you like to spend time with him, you need to be booked in advance! •• “Ohhh nooo did your friend flake on you? Although that sounds great I can’t flake on my girlfriend tonight. But let me know if you’d like to plan something with me later this week.”

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This one is great, particularly the addition of suggesting he be the one to plan something for the next date. A command like this tells him that it’s his job to do a little more work and figure out where to take you on your next (proper) date.

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Chapter 34 How to Get Him to Change His Bad Behavior: 6 Powerful Techniques Ever been with a guy who makes you his top priority in 100% of his decisions, ticks all your essential boxes of what a man should be, seems totally in love with you, instantly knows what your needs are and works to fulfill them, and never once lets you down? No? That’s okay, neither has any woman. And neither should you expect that to happen. Of the many myths we are sold about love, one of the most pervasive is the old slogan: “When it’s right, it will be easy”. Whilst I happen to agree that the relationships that are right seem to be far more effortless than the ones that are a constant frustration, even the best relationships suffer from communication problems at times. It may be that two people don’t always agree on what’s important, or that they simply have certain habits that drive each other crazy. Here are just a few behaviors of his that might be annoying you:

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•• He never cleans up after himself and it drives you crazy. •• He stops making an effort to take you somewhere new and exciting. •• He never takes the time to plan weekends or holidays with you, and then it gets too late and you end up doing nothing. •• He stops being a gentleman - opening doors for you, taking care of you and being chivalrous (or he never started!). •• He can’t be bothered to get to know your friends. •• He doesn’t listen or ask you questions about yourself. •• He makes a promise to you about something he is going to get done and then he doesn’t do it. •• He shuts down during an argument and goes into his cave instead of solving the problem with you. Pretty common stuff, right? You probably noticed something in that list that came up for you. Maybe it’s a problem you’ve brought up several times before, and yet he hasn’t changed. Maybe he made promises and fixed the problem for about five minutes, but then reverted straight back to his old self again. Does this mean he’s a bad partner? Is he not your soul mate because he has some repetitive behavior that turns you off or drives you crazy? Look, nobody’s perfect. But I have a little rule on this:

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Key Idea The ideal partner isn’t the one who comes with ALL of the right standards, but the one who is willing to work on their standards and improve them where it is good for the relationship.

But in order for someone to be willing to work on their standards for you, they need to know what needs to change, and have the motivation to do it. That’s where you come in. When you have a child who behaves badly, you know there are good methods and bad methods for getting them to behave better. We have countless insights from behavioral psychology to remind us of this. Take one of the fundamental insights from economics: human beings respond to incentives. There’s a scene in the Jack Nicholson movie As Good As It Gets, in which his character is trying to pay an awkward compliment to Helen Hunt. But in a romantic turn, he completely nails it when he finally gets the words out that explain why he finds her so wonderful: “You make me want to be a better man”. Any woman can get her man to have this feeling, but there are smart ways to do it and there are futile, fruitless attempts at forcing him into change that never work.

Where Most Women Go Wrong Unfortunately, there is a stereotype reinforced in society that the natural roles in a relationship are as follows: Matthew Hussey    183

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Man’s role: Try to get away with everything he wants to do. Woman’s role: Try to nag him into submission until he acts more like the kind of man she wants him to be. This is a sad cliché that people buy into, and unfortunately it ends up as an accurate picture of most men and women’s experience of being a couple. But here’s the real story.

Secret About Men Most men want to meet your highest standard. Men want to be the hero in their girlfriend’s life. They want to be your champion, your knight, your hero and your closest companion. But he needs the right motivation!

The reason nagging doesn’t work is because it provides no motivation for him to be any better. It’s not that you’re wrong to feel dissatisfied when a guy doesn’t meet your standards: you just may be communicating these feelings in the wrong way. (See my YouTube video “Are you turning your partner against you?” for more.)

The Worst Way to Tell Him He’s Wrong In a relationship, our language and the names we call each other have a powerful effect on our identity. This is why you have to be really careful never to give a guy a label: if you say he’s “useless,” “hopeless,” “a lazy slob,” “stupid,” or an “idiot,” you are now placing the idea in his head that this is how you see him as a person.

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“But I want him to know what a lazy idiot he is being when he doesn’t clean up after himself!” I hear you cry. “I want him to know how useless he is when he doesn’t hold a door open!” I get that. But there is a difference between thinking it and saying it. Be careful not to label him: When you give the guy a label of being “hopeless” and a “lazy slob of a man,” he is far more likely to simply adopt that identity and start to lose motivation to change. He’ll think, “She already sees me as a slob, and she’ll never change that opinion. Maybe I am just hopeless like she says.” And suddenly you’ve got a man who has lost the incentive to change or grow, because he simply doesn’t see the benefit. There is a difference between doing something slob-like and being a slob. If he thinks you’ve already chosen this identity for him, the only incentive to behave better will be to get you off his back in the moment, after which he slides right back into the bad behavior. It then becomes so intolerable that you nag him again, after which he’ll do just enough again to get you off his back, and the cycle repeats itself endlessly until all your arguments are like a broken record. Needless to say, endless nagging does not work. So what does? There’s an old Chinese proverb: The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now. Matthew Hussey    185

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To adapt it slightly… The best time to show a guy the behavior you expect is at the beginning of a relationship, the second best time is now. I see too many couples operate under the myth that their partner should instinctively know what they need at any given moment. This is dumb. Relationships are about a constant process of education and discovering what you both need to feel loved, secure, turned-on, and happy. You wouldn’t for example assume that your partner knows your favorite sex position in bed? If you love it when he kisses your neck and it’s the only thing that turns you on, are you going to leave it six months until he just blindly stumbles upon it in foreplay one day? If you’re taking this approach to getting your needs met, and hoping that one day he just “gets it” and realizes what you need, you are going to spend a long time being miserable and resentful with your guy. Unfortunately, hoping that he will one day ‘get it’ is exactly what leads to nagging and frustration when it’s already a little late. DO NOT BE AFRAID TO EDUCATE A MAN IN EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED. In fact, that goes for everyone: family members, friends, co-workers, and especially romantic relationships. The techniques I’m about to share cover the two essentials of getting a guy to live up to your standards. These are (1) Making him understand your needs (i.e. the ROADMAP), and (2) Inspiring him to take action (i.e. the DRIVE). You always have to achieve both: you can’t have a guy who understands your needs, but is never inspired to take action, and 186     Matthew Hussey

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equally, you can’t have a guy who is driven to be the best he can possibly be for you, but has no idea how to get there. So here are six things you must do if you want your guy to be incredible at meeting your standards: (1) Reinforce his good behaviors – Does your guy kiss your neck in exactly the way that turns you on? Do you find him unbearably cute when he brings you a single rose for no other reason than because he adores you? Has he recently taken initiative to arrange a romantic dinner at that new restaurant you were raving about last week? If you love it, for God’s sake tell him you love it! If it turns you on, tell him it turns you on! It doesn’t matter if he only does it once, when he gets it right, if you ever want to guarantee he’ll do it again, you must encourage and show real appreciation for this good behavior. Say: “When you bring me coffee in the morning in bed it makes me feel so loved and attracted to you.”

When he arranges dinner, tell him: “It’s so sexy when a man takes charge and makes plans. Come here you amazing boyfriend!”

Then as you say it, pull him in for an incredibly sexy kiss.

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When he kisses your neck during foreplay and you like it, moan and tell him it drives you wild! So often in life I hear people who don’t give their partners appreciation for the things they do well, and when they fail to do this, guess what the result is? The guy stops doing it! Why? Because he didn’t realize how important it was. She didn’t give him significance and love for the qualities that were incredible about him. Occasionally a guy is going to take some action that makes you realize why he’s amazing. In that moment, if you want more of it, you need to let him know how sacred that action was to you. Tell him what he did, and how it made you feel. Maybe it excited you, made him look sexy, or made you feel loved and close to him. Maybe it made you thankful that out of all the guys in the world you found this one to be your boyfriend. Whatever it is, tell him! Now he has the Roadmap and the Drive to meet your needs whenever he gets the chance! (2) Pre-frame the behavior – What if your guy doesn’t happen to naturally do that thing you love? What if he never mows the lawn so you can’t even tell him how sexy he looks cutting the grass and reinforce his good behavior? In this case, you have to pre-frame the behavior so that he wants to do it in future. Pre-framing is the idea that you can give him a blueprint for pleasing you by what you say to him in your everyday life.

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This process begins on the very first date with a guy. For example, you say to him: “I love the guys who are surprising. The idea of a guy booking a trip spontaneously is really sexy.”

See here how you are pre-framing spontaneity? You are giving him two essential clues to your personality here. First, you are telling him that you find it sexy when a man is spontaneous. That alone makes his brain start working on ways he can be more of the open, life-loving, adventurous guy that turns you on. Second, you are telling him an example of spontaneity, i.e. the idea of him booking a surprise trip. Now don’t get me wrong here, I’m not saying a guy is suddenly going to start researching the price of a hike up Mount Kilimanjaro, or Google the cost of flights to Thailand just because you said spontaneity is sexy. Rest assured though, he will not forget it. Men will store away any information that holds the key to turning you on or making you feel more attracted to us. If a girl tells me she finds my big biceps sexy, I’m going to curl out another set in my next gym session. If she tells me spontaneity is attractive, I’m going to be that bit more creative in my choices for future dates to take her on. If she says that she’s turned on by men who are clean, I’m going to dust my apartment to within an inch of its life before she sees it for the first time. Matthew Hussey    189

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Can you now see why it’s so important to pre-frame early on? It gives you a ridiculous advantage with men before you’ve even entered a relationship. You are basically handing him the keys to fulfilling your needs in the early dating stages, and you’ve set your standards for being attracted at the very beginning prior to starting a serious relationship. Remember, you are always communicating your standards to a guy. Make sure you pay attention to what you encourage in him. (3) Future projecting This is similar to pre-framing, but it’s more direct. Tell him something you would like him to do in the future, for example: “I would love it if one day we could dress up and go to a fancy ball together.”

Or: “I wish one day we could go and learn salsa together.”

It’s just a way of telling him a fantasy of yours, and making him take note of it for the future. Think of a fun, compelling vision of the two of you together as a couple, and say: “I love the idea of us being away somewhere sunny and working on our laptops outside on the beach, then jumping in the pool, having a cocktail, and crazy sex in the evening.” 190     Matthew Hussey

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This again is just a way of implanting a vision. It gives you something to think about doing together and something to aspire to. Think about how much more this will motivate him than saying: “You never take me anywhere, it’s so boring!”

When you talk about a future project, you make him fantasize about a life he wants to build with you. When you nag and give him negative labels, he just sees this as another complaint that comes with having a girlfriend. (4) Call on the past I would hope you’re with your boyfriend because he’s shown you some amazing traits he has. There were probably a ton of qualities he showed during the early stages of dating that made you want to have a long-term relationship. But perhaps along the way he lost that. Perhaps there are certain things that became routine, or you both got busy in your lives, and gradually he stopped some of those exciting and wonderful behaviors that made you fall for him in the first place. You still love him, but you wish he had a bit more of that guy he used to be when you first got together. One great way of getting your guy to be a better man is to recall times when he was an amazing boyfriend, but in a positive way. You might say:

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“Remember when I got back from visiting my parents last Christmas and you had lit the candles and cleaned the whole house when I came home? That was so amazing. It makes me feel so warm and loved to come home to such an inviting place.”

You are gently guiding him to a time in the past when he nailed it, and now he knows what to do when you arrive home from your next trip! Compliment him on something sweet he did for you in the past and then share how attracted and special it made you feel. You can even use this chance to open the door and ask if there was anything you used to do that he also misses. Turn it into a fun discussion about moments you have loved about each other and talk about what you can both do to be happier as a couple in future. (5) Tell him “I love the idea of [X]” This one is great. All you do is tell a guy: “I love the idea of a guy who holds doors open and takes your coat when you come in. A guy who protects you and makes you feel safe, you know? I’d find that so sexy.” “I’m really attracted to the idea of a boyfriend I can work out with. Someone who I can take up a sport with and be physical together.” “I’ve always fantasized about the idea of a guy who takes me to an art gallery and shows how cultured he is, like in a Woody Allen movie.”

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idea of [X]”, it’s like you are telling him how to fulfill a fantasy that you’ve never fulfilled with any other guy. This is so much more romantic because you’re letting him be your first time at something. He gets a chance to be the one guy who actually does take you to an art gallery, or who orders the whole meal in French, or takes up boxing with you. That makes him feel more special and gets him excited about planning something he knows you’re going to love. (6) Give him an identity he wants to live up to I used to go out regularly with the same group of friends at university. One of these friends was the most sociable person I’ve ever met, and whenever he would introduce me to people within his wide circle of acquaintances, he would always forewarn them: “This is Matt. Matt is HILARIOUS, just listen to some of his stories when we get to the bar. They’ll crack you up big time!” He would say this whilst even chuckling to himself, as though he couldn’t help but burst into laughter when thinking about my hilariousness. Except, I don’t consider myself the funniest guy ever by any stretch of the imagination. I’m proud of having a good sense of humor and a love of comedy, but I never identified myself as the ‘funny guy’ in the friendship group. And now this guy had labeled me as just that. A guy who is ‘hilarious’. So guess what happened? For the rest of the night, I felt like I wanted to be funny because I’d already enjoyed the validation of the positive identity I’d been given.

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I learnt something important from that experience: People feel the urge to live up to the identity we give them. Humans are social animals. We conform to trends, seek to fit in with crowds, and we want to be liked by others. This means that when we get an identity from others, particularly one that they seem to admire, we want to do everything we can to live up to those people’s view of us. If I get validation for being intelligent – I’m going to want to keep reading and learning to have clever things to say. Suppose my friend introduced me and said: “This is Matt. He reads everything and knows just about every movie ever made”. Now I’m going to want to show off my knowledge of popular culture and books and read even more to keep up with this image. How does this apply to your relationships? Easy. Just give a guy a label that you want him to live up to. Let’s say you want your man to be an honest and upstanding guy. And yet, one time you’re both having drinks and he says something mean about his best friend, or he makes fun of someone unnecessarily. Tell him: “No stooop! You’re not mean, you’re kind. It’s what I love about you.”

In the same way, if he’s overly negative or pessimistic, you can say: “You’re not cynical. You always find a way. That’s what I love about you.” 194     Matthew Hussey

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This is a powerful spell for getting a guy to live up to a standard. Because you’ve just told him the reason you love him. And now he’s going to want to be more of that to fit into a role that gives him love. Choose the identity – and he’ll strive to conform to it.

BONUS TIP: One Golden Rule - Use the MESSAGE Not the MOOD Now you can see why you don’t need to sit around waiting for your guy to stumble around in the dark, hoping that somehow he’ll figure out what you need. Nor do you need to make the classic mistake many women make of suddenly getting in a bad mood with a guy, but never telling him where this mood has come from or why you are angry with him. I see women do this over and over again – they get frustrated with their guy for ‘not getting it’, and decide to spend an entire day (or week) in a bad mood with him, without ever telling him why they are upset. Later that week, a guy will go to his friends and say: “My girlfriend just gets pissed off sometimes for no reason. She just goes cold on me I don’t know why.” And one of his friends will turn around and say: “Women, man. That’s what they do.”

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Key Idea The reason a guy is scratching his head and trying to figure out the mystery of why you’re mad at him is because you have communicated the mood, but not the message.

So all he sees is an irrational girlfriend who he has to calm down, instead of a loving partner who he wants to make happy. You’ll notice that all the examples above are about you communicating the message to him. You are showing him that he gets love for fulfilling your needs. And you are also communicating it to him in language that makes him feel special and more like a man for being able to make you happy (that’s why you use language like “I’m so attracted to…” or “It really turns me on when…”). But what if he really screws up? What if you are in a bad mood with him and he needs to know how unfair and idiotic his behavior is? Surely you can’t be the loving, fun woman all of the time, right? Let me just clarify here: I’m not telling you that you’re never allowed to get mad at a guy in a relationship. That would be a ridiculous thing to say. It’s like those couples that say: “We’ve never had a fight one single time in our entire relationship.” I don’t know whether I believe people or not when they say this, and if it’s true, then these couples are about as common as unicorns. For most of us, conflict is an inevitable reality in relationships, even if it’s only once every couple of months, or even just a few times a year. Anger builds up. Frustration happens. You drive each other crazy or feel unloved and neglected. Sometimes the ability to be angry at each other is genuinely a sign of passion and something to be encouraged.

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Your job isn’t to avoid every conflict; it is to learn how to deal with it when it happens. That’s what great communicators do. Weak communicators avoid the difficult conversations. The best ones confront and relish the tough talks as a way to learn how to better express themselves. Respect is sexy. Never forgo it just because you’re afraid to have a difficult conversation.

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Chapter 35 How to Rekindle His Interest After He Disappears If you haven’t heard from him for a week, or two weeks, or longer, you can send one message that will nudge him to get back in touch. He may have just gotten busy or caught up in family stuff, or perhaps gone traveling for all you know. I’m not trying to be optimistic here, I’m just not a big fan of playing the guessing game with someone’s intentions. The purpose of a text here is not to ask for anything, but just to put yourself back on his radar. Technique #1: Hark back to a memory. Let’s say at one point he tried to make you a margarita that totally backfired because he couldn’t remember how, and it turned into a mess: “They have amazing margaritas at this cocktail bar.” “But they are just making me miss your Frankenstein margarita.”

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“Finally watched Inception. One of my new favorite DiCaprio films!” “Just found another piece of that plate you broke under my sofa. I can’t get rid of you.”

Just pick any memory that you both have from a date and send a short text like this to remind him of it. “I’m sat in that same whiskey bar where we listened to the live music… jazz music somehow isn’t as sexy without you in the audience.” You get the picture. Technique #2: Send him an enticement message. This is one that tells him you are doing something fun and makes him wish he were there. For example: “Just out with my friends seeing that cool band [Insert Name] we talked about. Why aren’t you here!” “Out at that art gallery you told me about in town. You should be here right now!”

See how cool this is? You’re not asking him to come and join you, you’re just telling him that you’re doing something he would love and pointing out the fact that he isn’t there. Plus, you haven’t actually put any risk on the line because you’re not saying anything needy. You’ve just given him a hook to grab if he wants to get back in touch.

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Chapter 36 How to Get Him to Pay Attention to You When He’s “Too Busy” It’s a common scenario. You are seeing a guy, he seems to want to see you sometimes, but most of the time he just seems really busy. Maybe he’s working insanely hard and can barely leave his office. Maybe he goes on trips with his buddies and becomes completely unavailable because he’s partying with them. Maybe he just has a manic month and says he wants to catch up with you when he’s got more time. This is a common stage where women tend to lash out, panic, or become needy and compromise a guy’s feelings of attraction. When guys say they are ‘super-busy’, there are many ways to read into it. Maybe he really is just busy at work and he’s a man on a mission for greater success. Maybe you are one of several women in his rotation right now and he’s dividing his time between them all. Maybe he spends most of his free time with friends or family. This analysis can be done over and over, but it all amounts to the same thing: you are not his biggest priority right now. That’s not to say you couldn’t be, but whether he decides to make you more important or not depends on how ‘high-value’ your response is. 200     Matthew Hussey

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If you rush things at this point, he will only run further away. This is a golden chance for you to show your value, to show class, and to raise yourself in his estimation. What kills the attraction is you just waiting for him to pick up the phone and being ready to give him time whenever he feels like it. If you jump at every tiny window to see him, he’s going to feel like you’re available whenever he wants. He sees he doesn’t have to plan at all. He could just text you out of the blue, and you’ll suddenly run to see him. Then he loses respect for you, and ends up never making plans in advance again.

Key Idea Important: If you teach him that last minute planning all works out, you will be the thing in his life he always plans last.

Which is why you must take the second step: Do not feel the need to jump at any chance he gives for you to see him. Let’s say after a week or so of not hanging out he texts you randomly one night and says: “Are you around to meet up later?” I’ve noticed women will have one of two kinds of response to this: The passive response, and the petty response. Passive response: “Sure! Where do you wanna meet?”

This response is too much. The guy has already been dictating his terms and you’re jumping like a seal at the chance to be close again.

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The petty response is the opposite. It’s when you let your pride get the better of you and attempt to ‘teach him a lesson’ or give him a piece of your mind: “Oh not too busy to see me now?” “Hmm…not sure if I feel like it after you ditched me for the last two weeks” “Maybe you should ask another girl, I’m too busy”

These responses don’t help his attraction for you. They don’t even always do the job of gaining you his respect because instead of looking calm and unfazed, you seem angry or frustrated – usually a sign of loss of control. You might think, “Well, I don’t care what he thinks! He doesn’t get to treat me like that!” If that’s the case, don’t bother responding at all. Clearly you’ve made up your mind and any further texts are a waste of energy. But if you do like the guy, and want to see if he has the potential to be better, this is a great chance to show your standard to him. Here are some different routes you could take with your response, depending on your situation.

Space Smasher Scripts 1. “Ah, I’m out with my friends so can’t hang tonight. We should catch up next week though x” 202     Matthew Hussey

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You are showing you are busy, that he will pay the price of not seeing you if he asks you too close to the time, and you are not in a hurry to arrange plans to see him again – that’s his job. You’ve shown that you would like to see him next week, but you’ve kept it vague. If he wants to go the extra mile in actually arranging something on a specific day, he can. 2. “You love giving lots of notice don’t you!”

The beauty of this message is that you call him out on not giving you any notice, but you don’t actually follow up with a yes or a no. It’s almost as if the no is implied by the fact that you don’t even answer his question. He may come back and say: “I didn’t know I was going to be free tonight! But I’d love to see you” You can reply: “I’d like to see you too. Just pick a night when you know you’re going to be free in advance and we’ll make it happen!” Remember, he needs to learn that you are the person he has to plan for. 3. “I’m only around if we do what I want to do ; )”

If he wants to be demanding, you can be equally demanding. It’s on his time? Then it’s your plan. You may want to go bowling, see a movie, go for drinks… you decide. He doesn’t want to? That’s his issue; you’re just as happy doing one of the above with a friend instead. 4. “Oh my God you have time? Lol. Well let me see if I can squeeze you in ; )” Matthew Hussey    203

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You can take this in either direction. You can either follow up with: “Ok I have a couple of hours after 8 tonight, what did you have in mind?”

Or: “Tonight is actually difficult, if you’re free another night in the next week or two let me know in advance and we’ll make it work”

Q: If you do see him, should you sleep with him or not? As I was working on this chapter a female friend said to me – it’s different if you’ve already slept with him, because then if you see him you’ll be more inclined to sleep with him again. She remarked that if she hadn’t slept with him yet, then she would not sleep with him for the first time after he’d been busy and then given short notice, even if she was going to see him for drinks. I told her that your standard shouldn’t change just because you’ve already slept with him. In others words, just because you’ve slept with someone already it doesn’t mean you should sleep with them more easily next time if they haven’t lived up to your standards in between – that’s how you cement yourself in the ‘hookup’ category with him. If you have been sleeping with him, but he seems to be busy all the time and calls you on short notice, it doesn’t mean you should keep sleeping with him. It also doesn’t mean you have to cut him off if you don’t want to, but if you do see him don’t feel the need to go as far as you’ve gone before. Interestingly, a lot of women think that if they sleep with a guy too soon they’ve ‘blown’ it. This is overly simplistic. You can slow the pace if you think you went too far too fast. 204     Matthew Hussey

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For example, let’s say you did decide to see him tonight on short notice. Flirting and sexual banter are fine - don’t lose those and get too serious. But if he tries to have sex with you, you can say: “Listen, I’m attracted to you, but maybe we should take it a little steadier with sleeping together. You seem too busy for this to go anywhere and I’m not one to just hookup with someone because I’m attracted to them.”

The beauty of this is that you’ve been able to see him and get him hooked on you again, but you’ve also shown him he has to invest more if he doesn’t want to simply plateau at this point. Another version of this response: “Let’s slow it down a bit until we know we are actually going somewhere with this instead of just seeing each other here and there.”

Another script I like is: “You seem really busy right now, so we are probably just looking for different things. It’s all good!”

I love this because at the same time as saying you are looking for different things, which makes it clear you would like more (in general, not just from him), you are also saying “It’s all good!” which shows your relaxed nature. It’s like saying ‘I want more, but if you’re not it then I’m completely at peace with that’. It makes you high value. The ultimate message is clear: I’m not going to give you everything until it’s clear that I’ve become a priority to you. And being a priority means regularity, and planning in advance. Matthew Hussey    205

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Chapter 37 How to Ask if He’s Single (Without Looking Desperate) I remember being at a dinner once and talking to a pretty girl sat opposite me for the entire night. We were giggling, having fun, being flirty – I was convinced that there was great sexual chemistry. I had been single for a while and allowed myself to get more than intrigued: “This woman’s amazing” I thought to myself. I knew it was going well (or I thought it was), until hours later when we were drinking wine and chatting on our mutual friend’s couch, she casually said in mid-conversation, “I’m so exhausted from work at the moment. I can’t wait for my trip with my boyfriend this weekend”. I was momentarily crushed. I had spent a good four hours chatting to this woman and never once did I stop to find out if she was even single. First, I felt like she has misled me. I felt it was her fault for not mentioning that she was spoken for much sooner. But then I realized: it was my fault for never finding out. Part of me was probably worried that she would be taken, and so I never bothered to stray into the area of asking whether she was single or not. Matthew Hussey    209

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It was an important lesson: Don’t avoid asking the question just because you fear the answer (or because you feel you’ll seem desperate for asking). You just need to know HOW.

How Do You Ask the Question? It would be an easier world if every guy walked around with a tag on their shirt that said “Single” or “Taken”, but alas, making things easy doesn’t seem to be high on the world’s agenda when it comes to figuring out which guys are spoken for and which are free agents. But most people make too big a deal of this. They think it must be too obvious or forward to just ask a guy if he’s single. Once you’ve been talking to a guy for, say, twenty minutes, there’s no reason it should be weird to bring up the topic of relationships. In fact, if you go for an hour without speaking about it at all, I’d venture to say that it’s because you’re being unduly nervous about approaching the topic, instead of being confident and relaxed. It’s a general rule of life that things are as big a deal as we make of them. If you casually throw in a question to a guy to ask if he’s single, and do it as part of natural conversation, he’s going to just think you’re curious, rather than assume you’re hitting on him. Here are a couple of ways to find out if he’s single: 1. Bring up the subject of relationships Move the topic to relationships and throw in a reference that forces him to reveal his relationship status.

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E.g. Start a conversation about your friend who is in a new relationship. “I don’t know if you’re in a relationship right now, but my friend Jenny is in that first 6-month honeymoon phase with her guy, and I barely see her at all.”

Now when it’s his turn to talk, he’ll tell you whether he’s single or not. 2. Ask him in a curious way You don’t generally want to point-blank say to a guy, “Are you single?”, but you can ask him as part of your curiosity in relation to a larger conversation. For example, if you live in a city, you could say to him: “Have you been in a relationship in this town? Do you find it different dating here?”

Or be more direct and say: “Do you have a girlfriend in this city?”

The effectiveness of this all depends on how you say it. It needs to sound very offhand, as though you’re just curious about his love life, but not like you’re trying too hard to be a part of it. If you’re more confident, you can be even more direct and cute about it.

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For example, say you’ve both been talking about how much you love rock concerts. You can say to him: “Do you have a girlfriend to at least take with you to all these cool shows?”

If he says no, you can playfully shoot back: “Ah, why not? Concerts are always more fun when you have someone to kiss during the show.”

Finally, you can just ask: “So what do you normally do on weekends?”

And see if he says the words ‘we’ instead of ‘I’ when he talks about what he usually does. If he tells you he went to a concert or a party this weekend, you can also say: “That’s so cool, who’d you go with?”

What if You Already Have His Number? Sometimes you’ll get a guy’s phone number and still not be entirely sure if he has a girlfriend. In this case, after some texting back and forth, you can adopt a playful state of mind and ask him in a jokey way. For example:

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“Why is a charming lawyer like you still single?” “How come a guy like you hasn’t found a lady at this university yet?” “Why would a comic-book loving real-estate broker not have a girlfriend yet?”

These have a great mix of being fun whilst also being direct, asking outright whether or not he is in a relationship right now. If you want to be more direct, say: “If you’re not seeing anyone we should catch up sometime.”

Any self-respecting guy has now had a good chance to tell you if he’s seeing someone. He could still lie at this point of course, but that part is not within your power to control.

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Chapter 38 How to Show You’ve Got Options (and Make Yourself Even More Desirable) Dating between busy people can present unique challenges. Some people have a wide social circle and lots of options regarding what to do and where to go on a Friday and Saturday night. These types are often reticent to give their whole Friday or Saturday to someone they hardly know. Maybe you get each other’s phone number, and although you wouldn’t mind meeting a guy for an hour or two, you don’t want to invest a whole evening on something that may or may not go anywhere. Moreover, it’s more attractive when you convey that you are someone who has many options for their night and doesn’t too readily hand over their time to some guy they hardly know. I’m not saying you want to be the person that shows up at 2AM, and even then only gives him half an hour. You want to cultivate the vibe that you are up for a cocktail or two and going somewhere fun, but you might also go catch up with your friends from work later on, and if all goes well with him, you can always catch up again over the next few days. Let’s take an example of how this may look in practice: 214     Matthew Hussey

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Friday night texts (could equally be a phone call): Him: Hey, we should do something this weekend. You: Sure, are you out tomorrow night? Him: I’m supposed to be going to this thing with my friends downtown. You: Nice! I’m with friends tomorrow night too, maybe the two of us can grab a drink together beforehand. I’m a big believer in the early stages of enjoying these short bursts of time together. You don’t even need to see this as a date. It’s just a meet-up to enjoy each other’s company for an hour or two. Cool, busy people don’t always have time to spend a whole evening with a stranger. If it’s a guy you barely know, it’s better to dip your toe and you can always take things further later on if you decide you like him. What’s more, if you’re dating a busy, cool guy, he’s probably not going to immediately invest in a long dinner and entire evening until he’s sure how he feels either. If it turns out to be the best date ever and he has the brain of a neuro-scientist, the face of Ryan Gosling, and the body of a Calvin Klein model, and you both are having the time of your lives, you can always choose to extend the date spontaneously and see where the night takes you. Your friends can handle you arriving a little late. But assuming you’re just getting to know him a bit better, starting out with this kind of early ‘testing the water’ vibe is a great way to go. You meet up, have a casual date and hang out together, and afterwards, you get the bonus that once you leave you’re both going to miss each other when you are separated and with your own friends again.

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You can even spend the rest of the night ratcheting up the tension by texting each other once the date is over. Another couple of reasons I’m really fond of this idea of meeting up with a guy on an evening when you are already with friends: - You give the impression of being attractive and sought-after company. The whole night isn’t just about you and him. - He can see you dressed to the nines and are wearing killer heels, but not have the thought that you put in all of that effort just for him. It just so happens that he saw you on a night when you were dressed like that anyway. He knows you may be going dancing later with your friends (which he’ll be imagining after your date with him is over!). What could be a more perfect interaction to build desire than meeting up with him, looking hot and having a short, sexy time, then leaving to do your own thing? It’s the perfect plan. Now, what if it’s the other way around? What if you’ve both missed the opportunity to see each other at the beginning of the night but he’s keen on seeing you at the end of it? I remember a situation exactly like this. I was texting someone trying to arrange the pre-night-out drink, and we both ran out of time. Here’s how it went: Me: Her: Me: Her:

Let’s get together now before we go out. I’m actually running a little late getting ready. Okay, no worries, hopefully our paths will cross later on. I’m sure we can make it happen.

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“Me too! I really want to see you, what part of town are you going to be in?” she just made a very clear and certain statement. It showed confidence, ease, and a laid back attitude to it all, whilst still showing interest. It made me crazy about wanting to catch up with her. We exchanged a couple of texts during the night. A few: “What part of town are you in?” type messages, which for a few hours were futile because we both kept moving between different bars and being elusive. But, around midnight, she sent me this text: “My friends are too drunk and crazy right now for me to handle. I’m gonna come to you for a little bit” (this is assuming he’s still out in a sociable and safe environment of course; I’m not suggesting for one second that you go to his place if he’s already home). (Side note: It’s worth pointing out that this took place in New York on a Saturday night. Though midnight may be late on a Saturday in some places, New York isn’t one of them. If you are reading this thinking there is some sort of implication of a booty call here, I want you to think about it more as though it was 8pm and she was coming to meet me at the bar I was at. I should also say that we had seen each other in person prior to this happening. The first time we met wasn’t online, it was during the day time. So we at least had some idea that we weren’t meeting up with a crazy person. I wouldn’t advise doing this if you’ve never met the guy in question.) Notice that her message actually reinforces the idea that nothing inappropriate is going to happen. When she tells me her friends are drunk and too crazy for her, she is telling me that she’s not drunk, nor acting crazy. She’s coming to meet me to get away from the crazy behavior, not to get into more of it. The undertone is, “I am going to be level-headed and keep my wits about me in case you were wondering,” and her friends were the perfect device for Matthew Hussey    217

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showing me this. Whether or not it was true hardly matters. This gives me my cue on how to behave when she gets there – sensibly and respectfully. Then when she tells me she’s coming to me “for a little bit,” she’s making sure I know that her intention is to have a drink and leave again. She is in effect pre-framing the situation with me before she even gets there. Cool, eh?

A Warning About Late Night Texts Let’s go back to our original example of successfully meeting him for a drink before you go out. Once you have left each other, it’s highly likely you will still be texting during your night. He may try to get you to meet up with him again later that night. You might get a “wish you were here” type message from him, especially if he has had a couple of drinks after seeing you. This is all sweet and innocent at this stage, but what if you get a 1AM or 2AM message from him asking you to come to his place “for a drink before bed”? If he does this, just shoot him over a cute, flirty message, but one that also tells him it’s not going to happen tonight. E.g. “Two hot people getting together this late spells trouble ;), but I’m around tomorrow afternoon - give me a call in the morning if you want to do something.”

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him know that you are interested in being in a semi spontaneous follow up date if he’s around tomorrow. It’s also clever to say “call me in the morning if you want to do something,” because it’s your way of setting a standard, i.e. “calling me in the afternoon is too late”. Notice also we have given the instruction to “call” not text, which indicates a higher standard. Lastly, you haven’t made the amateur mistake of arranging something for the next day at 2AM when he may be tipsy and more forward than he’ll be tomorrow. It shows confidence that you are telling him to let you know the next day when he is sober and has to make the decision to see you fresh.

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Chapter 39 How to Know When (and How Much) to Open Up About Your Past Are you never sure when to bring up that messy divorce your parents went through, or that traumatic break-up in your past, or that difficult secret you only share with your closest friends? In a new relationship, too many people want to hit fast-forward and become closest intimates with their new guy. While it might give you a warm feeling to have someone who completely understands and accepts every scrap of your past and who you are, I have to be honest: if you share too much too soon, you’re going to scare him off. Not because he’s judgmental, but because guys feel uneasy if they are let in on all your insecurities and troubles too quickly. It’s like he is being handed your baggage and asked to deal with it before he has had a chance to fall in love with you. So here are some general principles for when to open up, and when to play it safe.

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1. You must have real intimacy first Imagine you made a new friend, and within one week they told you about how they had an abortion as a teenager and suddenly became emotional and upset during a casual lunch. Although you would feel sympathy, you would probably feel like it was way too much too soon (because it’s an unearned level of intimacy). It’s the same when you open up to a guy. You may have many painful private moments to share, and trading these stories with your partner is part of what makes relationships stronger. But if you bring this up too quickly, before you’ve spent a number of months together getting closer, you’ll make him feel scared. A guy needs to feel like he is being let into a world that no one else sees. If you bare all too soon, he’ll feel like this is a sad story you share with anyone who will listen, rather than it being because you have a close relationship with him.

Key Idea Always ask yourself: has the relationship earned this level of intimacy? Just because you want to share with anyone who will listen doesn’t mean you necessarily should with people you don’t know well. You need to wait until you know this is a man you have trust and respect with.

Moreover: NEVER open up just to get attention or sympathy – only do it because it’s bringing you closer together.

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2. Let him in one step at a time Mystery is good in the early stages of a relationship. A guy doesn’t need to hear all of the issues with your parents in the first couple of weeks: in those early dating stages, your only focus should be having fun and building good feelings.

Key Idea In the first couple of weeks: in those early dating stages, your only focus should be having fun and building good feelings.

Wait until you both have trust and let him in gradually. Open up a little one night when you chat in bed, then let the conversation go. You must show him that even when you open up, you don’t need to dwell on the past. You can talk about things without letting them affect you the next day. Remember: your baggage is not his baggage – so make sure you don’t treat him like a luggage carousel, here to take on whatever bag of worries and troubles you have to unload. 3. Keep it relevant Don’t open up just because you think you should. Wait until a relevant conversation and time. If you want to talk about your parents devastating divorce, wait until you are alone, having a conversation about tough moments in your life. Don’t blindside him and say it in the middle of a happy moment – wait until you are both in the appropriate mental place for that kind of conversation.

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You want to do it when you are both sharing with each other, rather than when you’re both enjoying a fun moment. 4. Own your story Whenever you recount a painful moment, an insecurity, or a bad experience, show that you own the ending of the story. Make it clear that one bad experience is not going to defeat you and that you are strong enough to move forward with positivity despite the past. This makes him see that you are opening up to share, not just to vent on something you still haven’t gotten over. Whatever your story is, OWN IT, and talk about it from a positive perspective, not a defeatist one where you see ‘welcome to my baggage’. If you open up too quickly, you come across as an over-sharer who spills your secrets too easily. If done at the appropriate times, these private experiences build intimacy and closeness.

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Chapter 40 How to Answer When He Says: “How Many Men Have You Slept With?” Some questions are tough not because you don’t know the answer, but because you don’t really want to answer. One of these questions is when a guy asks you straight up how many men you have slept with. How do you handle that moment? Can you just count your boyfriends, and not casual hook-ups? Does he expect an exact number, or just a general idea (e.g. under 10 or over 20)? Is it wrong to lie about it? The truth can hurt. You have to decide how important it is for you to be specific with him. The first thing to remember is that you don’t have to answer any question you don’t want to. This is a tricky one though, because in many respects it is none of your guy’s (or anyone’s) business to know the entire gamut of your intimate history.

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And yet another part of you says: “We are supposed to be a couple. Doesn’t that mean we should share details together and be open about everything?” With this in mind, here are your options: 1. Politely dismiss the question as unimportant Just because someone asks you a question it doesn’t mean you have to answer it. Despite what the absolutists might say about the value of the truth, some questions are not helpful to your relationship. “How many people have you slept with?” might be one of them. Adam Carolla once said on Love Line, “Less history, more mystery”. He may have had a point when it comes to issues like this. So your first option is to not take the question at face value. Understand that him asking this question is usually coming from a place of insecurity, wanting to feel important, and wanting to feel like the woman he is with is ‘high value’ and therefore not ‘easy’ for other guys to get in the past. If you are dismissing the question, don’t be cold or defensive about it or it will look like you are trying to hide something. Instead, warmly say to him: “Baby, let’s not ask each other those kinds of questions. I don’t want to know those details of your past because it’ll only make me jealous and put images in my head, so I’d rather we just focus on us now. I’m not saying that because I think you wouldn’t like the answer, I just think you and I together now is what’s important. Our past is behind us so it’s much more fun to focus on us, not other people who we don’t even care about anymore.”

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Obviously you don’t have to say all of that in one breath. In reality you may just start with: “Do we really have to have this conversation? I feel like it’s one that just makes both of us feel jealous and have to think about things that aren’t nice to think about, now that we are with each other. Can’t we just be in the present and not think about other people from the past?”

He may then say: “I feel like you are saying that because you think I won’t like the answer.” To which you can calmly respond: “No not at all, I just know that no matter what we say, it still involves us thinking of each other with other people, and I don’t think that’s where our focus should be. It should be on each other. You’re the most handsome man in the world to me and I’m not thinking about anyone else, just you. None of that other stuff is important. I’m with YOU, and I don’t want anyone else. That’s all that matters, right?”

Obviously here I’m writing as if you are close by this stage and can say these kinds of things. You may ask: “Well how do I dismiss the question if it’s early on in the relationship and he asks me?” That’s actually easier. If someone asks it before you are close, you can say: “I don’t think that’s a very respectful question for you to ask me. And I don’t think it’s very important. I like you, I don’t want to think about people from the past and make it a focus. Let’s talk about something more interesting.” 226     Matthew Hussey

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Q: What if I have been ‘easy’ in the past but I want to look high value to him? I mentioned that he wants to feel he’s with a special woman who is hard to get. Look, most of us have had our ‘easy’ moments in the past. But we all want to feel like our partner is ours for a special reason and couldn’t have just been had by anybody. So how do you make him feel you are high value in this situation? Don’t buy into the belief that as a woman you are ‘lower’ value if you’ve had more sex. This is a sexist myth. Your value is how much you bring to the relationship, and how great you are as a person. And yes, you may have been with other people, but do they still have you today? No. You are choosing now to give yourself to this man, and that is the real gift. The winner is not all those men in the past who got you for a brief fleeting moment. The real winner is the man who has you now, and will still get to have you tomorrow. 2. State the truth nonchalantly I understand why you might feel obliged to share. If you do, be sure not to act like it’s a big deal. Don’t talk about it like it’s baggage. Just be matter of fact. You can still start by attempting to casually dismiss the question: “Do we really have to talk about this? I feel like it’s so irrelevant to us together…”

If he persists you can either give the exact number, e.g. “8”, or be a little less specific and say: Matthew Hussey    227

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“I guess between 10 and 15, I haven’t kept exact count throughout my life.”

(Who should, by the way? The counting part is stranger to me than the number itself). If you tried to dismiss the question as per our first option and he won’t let it go, you can feel free to be honest with him about the number, but I would also remind him: “I’m happy to tell you if you really want to know, but your insistence on this isn’t attractive. We should be focused on the present, not parts of our past that have no bearing on us as a couple.”

Always remember that you set the tone. If it isn’t a big deal to you, it’s far less likely to be a big deal to him. And if he ever tries to demonize your past by talking about how much he doesn’t like it, make clear to him that you are focused on the present, not the past, and he should be too. And keep reminding yourself that as long as you make him feel important, and show him how high value you are in the nature of your response, you will have made the most of the situation. 3. Lie Pretty self-explanatory here. Just tell him the number you want him to think. Not my favorite choice because lying can quickly become a habit in a relationship, even if we tell ourselves we are just doing it this once, about this thing.

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There are those who would argue that he’ll never find out, so why give him an answer that’s hard for him to digest? If you are going to be monogamous with him now, what difference does it make? The moral question is yours to decide. 4. Be vague and classy There are a couple of fun responses to this question that allow you to avoid answering directly whilst at the same time portraying what you want him to see. When he asks: “How many people have you slept with?” you can say: “This is not a fun thing for us to talk about, I certainly don’t want to know from you. Believe me, it’s a lot less than you think!”

A variation on this would be: “This is not a fun thing for us to talk about, I certainly don’t want to know from you. It’s a lot less than you, trust me : )”

To summarize: Just like any of the ‘scripts’ in this program, you can adjust them to your personality and situation. However, here are a few key points to remember: You don’t have to answer literally You don’t always have to directly answer the question he asks you. Us men can be masochists in the questions we ask. We know the answer will hurt but we still feel incapable of not asking it. Don’t feel forced to take the bait. Matthew Hussey    229

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Don’t make it baggage If it’s not baggage to you, it will be harder for him to make it baggage. Don’t make it a big deal. If anything, downplay its importance and move on. If he sees you not giving it weight, he’s more likely to realize he was making too much of it. Don’t be ashamed of your past, there’s no need to attach undue emotion to it just because he is. Remind him how important he is His ego is hurting him, so help him feel important. The more special he feels in relation to people you’ve been with in the past, the less he will care. Reminding him just how amazing he is, and just how much he makes you forget the other people in your past won’t hurt. Show him your ‘real’ value (which has nothing to do with who you’ve slept with) He wants to feel he’s with a special woman who is hard to get. You may have had your ‘easy’ moments in the past, but those men couldn’t meet your needs which is why they aren’t here today. Your value is high no matter who you’ve been with in the past, and it’s determined by who you decide to give your energy to on an ongoing basis. The real winner is the man you are with today. Watch for red flags Remember, if the man you are with is obsessed with your sexual history, you should make him aware that it is unattractive on his behalf, instead of allowing him to put you on the defensive and justify your actions. Guys who belittle you and judge you for your past in this way are likely to do this in all kinds of ways down the line, so don’t ignore the red flag. 230     Matthew Hussey

Chapter 41 How to Answer The Question: “Why Are You Still Single?” “Why are you still single?” How about because you like to spread out over your entire double bed starfish-style and just can’t envision fitting anyone else into that arrangement? How about because you already dated Prince Charming but he ended up having a mid-life crisis and running away? The question is annoying, you probably hate answering it, but it comes up nevertheless. With some games, the only trick to winning is not to play them in the first place.

Key Idea Rule No. 1 is not to engage with the basic premise of the question, i.e. that there is something inherently negative about being single. It also assumes single is not a choice. But it is. By being single you’ve decided not to be in a relationship unless you find someone you really want one with. Matthew Hussey    231

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And that’s all you have to say: “I love my life how it is right now. If I’m going to have a relationship then it needs to be something really special.”

You can also try: “I really enjoy the freedom of being single. If someone special came along I’d think about being committed, but it’s not something I do easily.”

Part of what you want to communicate is that you barely think about it. Your mindset is: I’m open to meeting someone great, but I’m not about to force a relationship for the sake of it. Another way of saying this is: “It’s a good question, I don’t really ask it of myself too much. I’m just having fun and seeing where life takes me.”

This is what makes him hope he can change your mind. He thinks, “I’m someone great. Maybe I could be good enough to make her want to commit.” Remember, you want him feeling he needs to convince you to be in a relationship with him by showing how great he is, not feeling like you are in the market for a relationship and he simply needs to rescue you from being single.

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Key Idea Make yourself a cautious buyer in the relationship market, not a desperate seller.

Now you’re answering what could have been an insecure-looking conversation with a way that gives you the power and raises your value in his eyes.

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Chapter 42 How to Have the Condom Conversation (Without it Being Awkward) It’s a shame that many people still believe a condom is a mood killer. I won’t labor you with the sex education discussion on why condoms are important, but even as an adult who practices safe sex, the statistics on the subject are still shocking to me. In a recent campaign I did with Trojan condoms, it was revealed to me that the vast number of new couples stop using condoms at a point in their relationship where they barely even know who each other are, let alone their sexual history. I’m convinced this is in no small part because of the inability and reluctance to face the subject head-on when our partner wants to stop using them, and the low standards people have for themselves. So here I want to address the issue of how to actually deal with the awkward moments when the guy you are with doesn’t want to wear a condom, and what you should be saying to him in those moments. Let’s suppose he didn’t bring a condom. Some guys who do this will be just as prudent as you and decide not to have sex. Oh well, no hard feelings, better luck next time. Matthew Hussey    237

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But what if he suggests having sex regardless? What if, moreover, he’s a guy you’ve been seeing for a few weeks and he assures you he’s been tested and has a clean bill of health? Now you have a dilemma. If you insist on him still wearing one are you going to insult him? Will he think you don’t trust him? No. Because all you say is this: “Look, I love having sex with you and being with you, but I just don’t take those chances. I use condoms when I have sex for my own safety. It’s just something I stick to.”

He can choose at any time whether to accept this or not. (Whether you choose to forgo condoms and use alternative birth control is up to you. Here I am simply giving you what to say to assert your standard if you wish to continue using one.) Never allow him to make it an issue of trust. This is about feeling safe, and whatever you need to feel safe is the standard you live by. If he’s your boyfriend and he says he doesn’t want to use condoms, but you still do, sit him down at some point (preferably do this in a neutral environment, not in the bedroom when you’re about to get down to it) and tell him:

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“I’ve been thinking about what you said about not wanting to use them, and I completely understand. I care about you and I want to feel as close to you as possible, but right now it’s important to me that we keep using them. It has nothing to do with not trusting you, it’s just important for me to feel comfortable because then I can really let loose and have an amazing time with you.”

The key rules of communication here are: stick to your standard, make it about you not about him, and stress the positives. If he says he wants you to go on the pill so he can stop using them, don’t hesitate to tell him you need to both get a sexual health check first. Just reply: “We need to get checked out before we stop using them because we need to know for sure we are all good. I’m not ready to stop using condoms until we do that. It’s important to me to feel completely protected. At some point we can go and get tested together.”

If he says, “I told you I’m okay. Why don’t you believe me, don’t you trust me?” You can say: “Of course I trust you, but it’s important for my peace of mind, even if you just humor me.”

Always remember the onus is on him to prove he’s trustworthy, not on you to take him at his word.

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You could also add: “Wouldn’t you be less attracted to me if I was the kind of woman who just stopped using condoms without much bother? That would mean I’ve been that way in the past with other people. At least you know it’s in my nature to be really careful, I would hope you like that about me.”

Always have condoms at your place just in case you’re with a guy who doesn’t carry them. Some women worry about the message that will give to a guy about how promiscuous they are. Know that it has nothing to do with promiscuity; it has to do with being health conscious if the occasion arises. If he judges you for having a stock of condoms, say to him: “Look, I don’t have to sell you on the idea I don’t sleep around. You either know me or you don’t, and if you think that about me you probably shouldn’t date me.”

If it’s a new partner who is pushing to not use a condom, say to him: “You wouldn’t have sex with someone without a condom would you? Do you do that regularly yourself?”

Make it clear that it’s a turn-off when someone isn’t responsible in this area, and expect him to play by your rules in this area. If a guy doesn’t get on board with that, he doesn’t get on board with you. Simple. The other mistake people make is in thinking that condoms can’t be sexy. I may be in the minority, but I disagree. Anything that

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reminds me that I’m about to have sex with someone I’m attracted to is exciting to me. You can even say to him: “You have to teach me how to put this on, I want to do this for you sometimes because it will turn me on.”

Don’t be afraid to bring it into your foreplay and have fun with it. You can also say: “This may sound strange but when you reach for the drawer to get a condom, it’s a turn-on for me because it reminds me I’m about to have you.”

Once again we are conditioning him to associate positively with something you want him to do. Bottom line: never let someone push you to do something you’re not comfortable with. The sexiest thing you have is your standard, so don’t lose it under peer pressure.

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Chapter 43 How to Get Him to Have Sex the Way YOU Want Sex is a very fragile thing in a relationship. I think we take on a large responsibility when we decide to have a long-term relationship with someone. It’s not just about the responsibility to spend time with the one we love, or to listen to their problems, or to be there for them emotionally. We must also be there for them sexually. This is true of both men and women. I once heard that when sex is good it’s 20% of the relationship, when it’s bad, it’s 80%. When we start a relationship with someone, like it or not, we are in no small part responsible for their sexual satisfaction. Perhaps even more importantly, we play a huge role in their sexual ego. For example, when we deny our partners sex on a regular basis, we are showing them that the one person they CAN have sex with doesn’t want to have sex with them. It’s not simply one of many rejections they are getting from different people. It’s a sexual rejection from the only person they can be rejected by. They can’t go anywhere else. They don’t have the option of simply saying to themselves: “Well you don’t want me so I’ll try with someone else tonight.” It’s sex with us or no sex.

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This is an obvious point that most people forget when they casually toss aside the importance of sex in their relationship. And believe me, I’ve heard this time and again from people: “Oh why is everything about sex all the time? There’s far more to a relationship.” Usually when someone says this they have tipped their hand. I rarely hear this from people with healthy sex lives. They aren’t afraid of the conversation because they are secure in it. And also, who are they to decide on their own how important sex is to the relationship? Their partner may tell a different story of how important it is to them. My primary aim in this chapter is to give you some quick techniques to help you enjoy sex more with your partner by being able to express your needs and make him feel wonderful in the process. Firstly, and I will say this on behalf of all men everywhere, including myself… Help us ladies!

Secret About Men We want to know what pleases you, and we can’t just know it all on our own. No matter how much experience we’ve had, every woman is different. Each woman has a way that she likes to be touched, a certain pressure, a speed, a place, a desire that is hers. We want to know what that is.

Maybe you want him to be more in control, more spontaneous, more energetic, more giving, more slow, more of a tease, more wild – whatever it is, you’re not quite getting what you need and you just wish you could guide him towards pleasing you more.

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The good news is, you can help. Here’s how: 1. Don’t be afraid to tell him what you want It doesn’t need to happen all at once. It’s not as though the first time you ever sleep with a guy you need to tell him everything he’s doing wrong and everything you want instead that he’s not doing right now. That would be likely to shut him down for next time. Feel free to let him do his thing, to show you his ‘favorite’ moves and the parts he thinks he’s good at. But at some point, bit by bit, show him what you really like, or would like him to do. Too many women are too afraid of being open about what they want, either because they are embarrassed, they don’t want to hurt him, or because they are in ‘people-pleaser’ mindset where they make it all about him and not about their own enjoyment. Oftentimes us men get the most enjoyment when we know you are feeling pleasure, so show us how! Here’s what not to do when you do this: i. Express boredom and anger – e.g. he does something wrong and you say, “Ugh…I’m not into this. I’m turned off ” – this is MEGA RED-FLAG language.

Assuming he didn’t do anything way out of line or cross a boundary, this kind of phrase should never leave your mouth. You are crushing his self-esteem and making him associate negative feelings to being intimate with you. ii. Start acting like a coach – Don’t patronize him. Do not say anything like, “Okay, let me show you what to do” – this is embarrassing and makes him just feel inept in the bedroom. 244     Matthew Hussey

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The truth is, he isn’t inept. Perhaps he’s just inexperienced, or he just doesn’t know what you like yet. That’s fine. We all have to learn about our partner’s likes and dislikes when we are with a new sexual partner. Let me offer you a better way… 2. When you do tell him, look forwards not backwards Think about what you want him to do, not what you don’t like that he’s doing now. When you tell us any version of “you’re doing it wrong”, we are likely to have our egos bruised and retreat. The worst effect of this is that he doesn’t want to try new things on you in the future for fear of being vulnerable to your bad rating again. A much better approach is to simply steer him in the right direction, kindly, and subtly. For example, let’s say when he’s rubbing your clitoris he is applying too much pressure and it’s not allowing you to get warmed up. Instead of saying, “I don’t like when you do that”, say: “I really like it when you are gentle with me, can you do it like this…”

…Then show him. When he does it the way you like it (feel free to show him with your hands) then say: “Oh my God that feels so good, please keep doing that.”

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I like to think of it this way: Don’t give him a bad report card, give him a treasure map. If you like a particular position (say, him behind you), here you can be very direct and specific. E.g. “I want you to take me from behind. It’ll turn me on so much.”

In my experience, women are more bashful about leading men in the bedroom than they need to be. The only rule is that you always come from a place of telling him what will turn you on, instead of telling him that he’s doing it wrong, or currently turning you off. Be as open and as specific as you like. Just make sure he knows that you are doing it to get him to be more of the man you already love. 3. Afterwards, act like it was his idea in the first place When you are finished, both lying there relaxing, say to him: “That was so hot the way you touched me. It was perfect.”

You can even say this the next day while you’re at work. You could text him: “I keep thinking about the way you were touching me last night, it’s turning me on while I’m at my desk. You’re so sexy it’s ridiculous.”

This is much better than drawing attention to the fact that you showed him by saying something like:

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“It was so much better when you started touching me in the way I showed you, the way you were doing it was too rough.”

4. The next time he does it on his own, make him feel special Sticking with the theme of making him feel like it was his idea, the next time he does it say: “You know exactly how I like it.”

You could even throw in: “That’s why you’re my man, you know my body so well.”

By saying this you actually turn it into a positive that he has learnt things about your body. It makes him feel indispensable. It makes him feel he has earned the right to please you. 5. When he is even close to doing something you want, nurture it If he does anything even leaning in the right direction to turning you on, encourage the hell out of it. In a previous chapter I talked about the importance of reinforcing a guy’s good behaviors and how much this would make him want to please you more. This is crucial in sex as well. So maybe you want him to kiss you or for him to put his tongue in a certain place. Maybe you want him to be more dominant and in control. Whenever he does something close to this, say to him:

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“Oh God, it turns me on so much when you just grab me like that.”

Or when he starts kissing you where you like, say: “Oh that feels sooo good. Do it more!”

(Make moaning noises as he does it too so he gets the message.) Guys are always searching for your sexual buttons. The minute he pushes one, let him know. Even outside the bedroom, if he picks you up and carries you, or comes and grabs you from behind and kisses your neck, if that’s your thing, tell him: “It drives me wild when you’re spontaneous. I might have to jump you right now if you don’t stop.”

Notice in this last example that you are telling him the quality you love (i.e. “spontaneity”) – sometimes it’s not one action you love but a specific quality – in those cases, tell him the quality itself so he makes a mental note to be that way in other areas more often. 6. Do it his way sometimes A huge part of what creates sexual reciprocity is when we see our partner going out of their way to do the things we like. This is what is missing in so many relationships: the idea of “I WANT to please you” and “You and I are a team in pleasing each other, we are here to unlock each other’s sexual needs and serve them.” I don’t have a place for righteous pride when it comes to sex in a relationship. I see it as my job to make sure that my partner fulfills her sexual fantasies and can open up and tell me what they are. I

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think that is the basis for a healthy sex life: “How can I make your fantasies come true? What do we need to do?” So don’t be proud. Figure out what he likes too, and have fun taking turns. Sometimes you will do things exactly the way he likes to do them because you want to experience sex on his terms. Other times, it will be on yours. Just don’t forget to have your turn! 7. Feel free to tell him what you want at odd times Let’s imagine that in our example above you feel that it has been one too many times since you have had it the way you like it. Don’t be afraid to bring it up, even in the middle of the day. For example: “I can’t wait to have you when we get home and see each other tonight. Can we ‘make love’ tonight? I feel like I really need to be close to you tonight in a loving and gentle way. Can we do that?”

(Not meaning to stereotype here… for all I know there’s been too much sweet gentle love making and it’s rough sex you’re looking for tonight!) He now has his roadmap before he even gets home. Ironically, a great time to bring up things you would like in a totally innocuous way is in an innocent moment away from the bedroom. You could be walking in a park together when he grabs your ass. Use that as your opportunity to say: “I’d really love it if you spanked me more. I love it when you take control and make me feel naughty.”

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It may be that he’s never spanked you before. But the insinuation that you already love it when he makes you feel naughty will simply make the spanking feel like an extension of that. Once again, you are framing it in a positive way, and since you are doing it away from the bedroom, it’s an idea he gets to bank for later, and then surprise you with when the time is right. Another example: “I’d really like you to just take control and grab me spontaneously more, instead of waiting each time until we are about to fall asleep to have sex. The thought of you grabbing me while I’m washing up, or just in the middle of the day turns me on so much.”

The idea of this thought turning you on incentivizes him to do it. You can of course apply this to anything you’d like him to do more. Sex is not a subject to be talked about only when the two of you are in bed together. It can be incredibly freeing (not to mention a turn-on) when two people are mature enough to bring up their desires to each other in normal conversation at any time of day and in any context. The plain fact is that many women are with men who want to please them more, but these couples are not being honest with each other about what they can do to take things to the next level sexually. And complaining to our friends about how we’d like our partner to be instead of telling our partner themselves and giving them a fair shot at evolving is not okay. Why did 50 Shades Of Grey do so well? I believe one reason is that an enormous number of women got to explore a sexual side to themselves that their own relationships weren’t offering. But why not? If you help us understand how to please you more, and 250     Matthew Hussey

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encourage us along the way, many (though admittedly not all) of us just might surprise you. 8. Go to a classy high-end sex store together I’m not saying you have to suddenly buy something extreme or crazy, but suggesting to your man that you go to a sex store to find something fun together for the weekend is an incredibly sexy move. “Babe, it would be so much fun to go to a sex store with you and for us to find something together that we want to experiment with. Let’s go this evening.”

Don’t forget that this is also a golden opportunity for you to get something that would pleasure you, but to make him a partner in the process. When he feels part of it and chooses it with you, he’ll be excited to use it with you. Quick tip: Be sure to express the excitement of using it WITH him, lest he fear he’s going to be replaced by some elaborate toy he can’t possibly compete with! If you do talk about using it when he’s not around, say: “It’s something that can make me think of you when you’re away. I need something that I can use while I think of you.”

This way he gets to feel involved, even when he’s not there! When you do go, there’s no need to feel awkward or strange. Sex is such an incredibly fun part of a relationship. It’s even more fun when two people are at ease in exploring the sexual adventure together. Just remember that he will take his cue from you. If you are relaxed and excited about going with him, he will realize he can relax and get excited too.

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A brief note on insecurity and past sexual experience: An insecurity amongst us men can be the fear that you are able to ‘show’ us what you like because someone else has been able to do that for you before. Remember to focus the attention around him. It would turn me on if YOU did that… I love the idea of YOU doing that to me… can YOU try doing this with me, I think it would be so hot… you get the picture. You don’t want to give him the thought (even if it’s true) that he is simply having to live up to something you have had before. Make it feel fresh with him, because let’s face it; it always is when it’s someone new and meaningful.

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Chapter 44 How to Keep the Sexual Spark Alive (So He Doesn’t Look Anywhere Else) It’s a common insecurity amongst women that men have a tendency towards the wandering eye, lusting for other women, and at worst, cheating and having affairs. I’m not here to tell you that you can stop every guy from cheating with some sort of secret mind control trick. An enormous part of cheating relates to a man’s own ethics and insecurity. And frankly, I’d rather the guy who has a tendency to cheat show you this early on so that you can dump him and move on, rather than prolong it till you’re further down the line. But I’m not talking about controlling the cheaters here. I’m talking about male psychology en masse. One of the reasons many alpha-type guys (often the guys women want) are commitment-phobic is because they are scared of deriving all their sexual self-esteem from one woman. A guy knows when he’s making that commitment he is trusting a woman with fulfilling all of his needs for sexual validation, and thus a big part of what he feels makes him a man is dependent on this woman feeling physical desire for him.

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I have seen many confident men get into long-term relationships where the sex began to die, and they began to freak out because they didn’t know where to turn. In single life, an alpha male knows that he could always move on to another woman if one sexual partner decides she no longer wants to sleep with him. Ask most guys what their big fear about marriage and kids is, and you’ll find that many of them (at least the honest ones) are scared of losing the sexual attention of their partner after years of being together. You can be one of those people who says, “Well that happens, get over it” (I know a few. I’ve yet to meet a happy one who is a genuine team player in their relationship), or you can decide to invest in maintaining the passion in your relationship and making each other feel special and desirable sexually over the long term. I know which one I choose for myself. It’s important that both in the beginning and over the long term he continues to feel your sexual desire. Below are some practical ways to communicate with the sexual part of his brain; the part that yearns to know that you still desire him as a man.

Sex Goddess Scripts •• Letting him know you have ‘urges’ for sex and passion. “Ohhh, can you kiss me like that again?”

•• Texting him when you’re having naughty thoughts. “I can’t stop thinking about how you made me feel last night” 254     Matthew Hussey

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•• Saying when you find something he wore, said, or did, unbelievably hot (and use the word “hot” or “sexy”). “I can’t stop thinking about how hot you looked this morning before you left for work”

•• Telling him you fantasize about him. “When you get out of the shower and I see you wet, all I can think about is when you make me wet”

•• Telling him stories about the first time you told your friends how attractive you found him. “I remember after our first date, I told Katie how hot you were. I was so attracted to you when you kissed me.”

•• Spontaneously grabbing him and kissing him passionately now and then. •• Touching him in public (either kissing, touching his arm or massaging his neck).

More Phrases that Make Him Feel Incredible in Your Presence Here are a few more phrases you can pepper into your daily interactions that make him feel his best around you.

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•• “I can’t help but stare at your lips while you’re telling me this story” •• “It literally just turned me on the way you ordered dinner, taking charge like that. I love when you take charge with ME ; )” •• “I love your eyes” •• “I like when you wrap your strong arms around me” •• “The world is going to be jealous because of how sexy you look today”

Will these things build his sexual self-esteem? Yes. Is this a good thing? YES. Why? Well, (a) because you are a good person and you want the man you love and care for to feel great about himself, just as he should want the same for you. And (b) because he will associate the sexual charisma he has with the way YOU see him, not the way the world sees him. It will be something that makes you special. Being away from or leaving a woman who makes us feel this way is no easy thing. His sexual self-worth is not your sole responsibility. But denying how important your validation and attraction are to him will only bring you pain. Pain in the form of him becoming less of a confident man. Pain of him not having the certainty required to try new things to please you if he fears your rejection. The pain of him being unhappy in the level of intimacy and the ways in which that manifests itself in other areas of your relationship. Our sex lives aren’t always perfect. But if the two of you become a genuine team in nurturing each other’s sexual egos, the rewards will be far greater.

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Chapter 45 How to Turn Him On Even When You’re Apart There are certain moves you can pull to get him dying for you when you are away from him. Maybe you’re miles apart, or just in the middle of your working day… but these lines will have him begging for you to be back in the same room again: “I can’t get last night off my mind. Can you do that again tonight?”

“I’m getting wet just thinking of how good it feels to have your tongue on me.”

“What do you say we get home tonight, keep all the lights on and get into some trouble?”

“I have this fantasy of you bending me over my desk and causing some trouble.”

“Take a picture of a place in your office that you want us to have sex and send it to me. Tell me what you’d want to do there...”

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“Just finished an hour meeting and couldn’t even tell you what it was about because all I could think about was being on top of you.”

“I’m horny... tell me what you plan on doing to me when I get home...”

“There are things I want to do to you later. Tonight I’m in control.”

Here are some things you can send him if he’s away on a work trip or just traveling and away from you right now (warning: they may make him book a ticket home): “I’m counting down the days till I get to have you again.”

“No matter how many miles there are between us... my body still craves you.”

“I can’t wait to hear your sexy voice tonight when I get home.”

“Tell me what we’re gonna do together when we see each other.”

“Even though we’re apart, the thought of having your body next to mine sounds so sexy.”

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Chapter 46 How to Approach Serious Topics With a Man Without Coming Off as Threatening In any relationship (or potential relationship) there will be times when you need to broach serious subjects that concern a man not meeting your standards or giving you what you want. When you have these conversations, maintaining your composure as a woman and showing that you’re in control is something that gives you huge power. Very often when women lose their temper or threaten a guy it shows that they’ve lost control. You can absolutely have a serious conversation with a guy, but the most powerful series of conversations you have are not the ones where you lose your temper: “If you don’t want to settle down, that’s something I want to do. I’m not in a casual phase of my life and I get if you are, but that’s not where I am.” If someone you are dating suddenly began getting flakey with you, there is a right way and a not so effective way to handle it. The less productive way would be to say: “Why are you being so flakey? It ruined my whole day waiting for you.”

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The better way is to say: “Jeez you’re so flakey these days!” He’ll likely say: “No I’m not” and make excuses as to why, or call you crazy for thinking it. You can reply: “Don’t worry about it, I just could have arranged to see my friends if I’d have known, and I was just looking forward to seeing you. But it’s all good, we can figure it out for another time.” This achieves what I call the ‘Bliss Point’. In the food manufacturing industry ‘the bliss point’ is the term given to the optimal level of saltiness and sweetness in a food that keeps you wanting more without feeling sated. I have found that master communicators are able to achieve their own bliss point with others. They can strike the right balance of ‘salty and sweet’ with their words, which allows them to both communicate their standards and be endearing at the same time. It is this potent combination that allows us to get our needs met without the person feeling like you are becoming high maintenance, a nag, or a ‘bitch’. In our example above, you are making clear you don’t like what he has done by not honoring his date with you, as well as showing value by saying you had other options you could have gone with, on top of showing sweetness and vulnerability by telling him you were looking forward to seeing him. This combination of standards, value and vulnerability is a potent combination. It makes him both want you more and want to do better for you. The next time he asks you to do something, say playfully: “Are you gonna show up this time? ; )”

If he doesn’t, don’t make the mistake a third time.

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The fact that you have shone a light on the issue and made your standard clear is likely to ensure he doesn’t do it this time around. Here you’ve also shown you have a sense of humor about it which is attractive. It doesn’t make light of your standard; it simply shows you don’t take him (or life) too seriously.

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Chapter 47 How to Express Your Frustrations to a Man Have you ever said these phrases to your man when you feel frustrated? •• “I want us to do romantic things” •• “I want us to have more fun” •• “Everything is shit right now” •• “I’m so fed up with everything” •• “I’m so bored” •• “I’m so tired of this place. I need to go somewhere else.”

These are sentences that could easily slip out of your mouth when you’re in a particular mood, and you may be saying them around your man hoping that he will read your mind and come to the rescue. I’ve got bad news, though. These phrases will do nothing to get your guy to take action. All they will do is start an argument in which he tries to justify himself. 264     Matthew Hussey

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If you say: “I want us to do romantic things,” all he hears is: “You’re not romantic. And all of my friends’ boyfriends are. Why can’t you be someone who is more romantic?” Men hear your dissatisfaction, even if it’s just a temporary pang of desire, and all they register is a simple message: I’m a failure at making her happy. When a guy feels this way, any combination of apathy, resentment and insecurity can set in. He thinks: “What’s the point, she’s never happy with me.” (Apathy) “What about that trip we went on last weekend. Didn’t that mean anything?” (Resentment) “She’s thinking of some other guy she’s dated that was more romantic, or listening to more stories of her friends’ boyfriends. I’m not enough.” (Insecurity) He’ll feel like there’s no pleasing you. And he’ll start to lose hope in trying.

The Solution 1. Be as direct as possible There is no room for sugarcoating with men. If you don’t shoot from the hip, you’ll miss your target and end up with a disaster on your hands.

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If you want more romance, you have to tell him: “We’ve worked so hard these last couple of weeks. I really need a day when we just spend time as a couple doing something romantic together. Remember when you took me on that trip to the country? Romantic days like that make me feel so happy with you. Can we do something like that?”

You want your man to take care of your needs? No more riddles or hints. Tell him what you need (in a loving way, as described here) and you won’t end up in an argument where he complains he never even knew you were unhappy. 2. Use something positive If you say, “I’m so bored. All we do is work”, all he’s going to do is feel angry for being called boring. If you say: “Babe, you’ve gotten so much done this week. I’m really proud of your commitment. But I want to do something fun with you this weekend. Let’s have a date this Saturday, okay?”

This adds an element of flirtation to the demand, which makes him even more excited about it! 3. Be less cryptic and more specific about your wants Say as much as you feel you need to in order to be heard. Don’t say:

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“I’m so frustrated. I just feel so annoyed today.”

This doesn’t tell him anything about what’s bothering you, or how he can better serve your needs. Instead say: “I really need a hug right now, and need to feel like you care about me.”

Or: “I really need to feel close to you tonight and spend time together.”

Secret About Men Most men are more than happy to come to your rescue if you keep them clued in on how they can help.

So don’t be afraid if at first the words won’t come out. Talk until you find exactly what you need from him and express it with confidence.

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Chapter 48 How to Communicate that You’re Unhappy With His Behavior It’s almost inevitable that at some point the guy you are with does something that makes you feel hurt, disrespected or just angry. This isn’t something just ‘bad’ guys do, it’s something we all do in the period of a relationship where we are learning about each other’s rules and standards. The moments where someone breaks your rules and standards are golden opportunities to raise your own value in his eyes. It’s important that when someone does something you don’t like, you don’t just become judgmental of their actions and begin attacking them personally. It may sound strange, but in the moment he does it, it’s more important to make it about YOU than about him. No, I’m not talking about blaming yourself. I’m talking about letting him know what standard you want instead of condemning him for his actions. Some things that people do are not noble. They may seem like they deserve to be judged or condemned for their own sake, but in communication, it often serves us better to take the focus off of judgment and instead make it about our own standard. It’s like you 268     Matthew Hussey

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are saying: “What you are doing right now might be something that is okay for you, but it’s not something I want in my life. If you want to do that, you have to go and do it with a different partner who isn’t me.” The beauty of this is that if you tell someone they are wrong, they can argue about whether it’s right or wrong. There are always different ways to view an action or behavior. But if you keep it simple and make it about what you WANT instead, it’s not about right or wrong, it’s just about your expectations. You’re not coming from a place of preaching or being on a pedestal looking down on them; just a place of knowing what you want. Here is an easy structure to remember when doing this: 1. Tell him what he has done that you do not like. 2. Let him know what behavior you NEED, without always needing to condemn his behavior on a personal level (I say ‘always’ because sometimes condemnation is the only appropriate response). Scenario 1: He is late to a dinner with you and your friends (and has a general pattern of lateness) “It’s not my business how you manage your time, but I didn’t appreciate that you were late for dinner with my friends, and it’s not the first time. I’m not lecturing you, but when it involves me I need you to be there when you say you will. That’s important to the trust we have for each other, okay? For me, being there when I say I will be is part of me keeping my word to you, and I just want the same from you.”

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Scenario 2: He is openly flirting in an inappropriate way with someone else “Respect and loyalty are really important to me and when I noticed you being flirtatious at the (party/event/bar), it was immediately a turn-off. I know some women are okay with their man flirting with someone else, but I’m just not that type of woman. I don’t want that kind of relationship. It almost felt like you were okay with disrespecting me when I know that’s not your character.”

The beauty of both of these examples is that you have specifically told him what you don’t like and let him know that you expect more from him, without outwardly judging his behavior and putting him on the defensive. In the first example, the final sentence establishes that you are giving him this standard and are only asking for the same back. In the second example, the last sentence is effective because it views him positively by not associating him with the man who would disrespect you. This simple two-part technique can be used for almost any situation where he has fallen beneath your standards. In summary: Be specific about what he has done that you don’t like or appreciate. Then remind him of the standard that you need him to play at for the two of you to have a healthy relationship. Lastly, always be proud of your standard if you know in your heart it’s right.

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Chapter 49 How to Have Arguments That Strengthen (Instead Of Ruin) Your Relationship The gloves are off. You’re in a fight with your man. You can’t remember why, or who started it, but things have gotten so heated that you’ve resorted to ripping chunks out of each other, tearing down each other’s personality and taking shots below the belt. This is BAD news. I’m not against arguments at all. I have a personal philosophy that if a conversation needs to be had, it’s always better to just have the damn conversation instead of building up resentment and waiting to explode one day like a volcano destroying everything in its wake. But what you must never do is resort to name-calling:

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•• “If you weren’t such a spoilt brat maybe we could deal with this…” •• “You’re a complete narcissist. It’s impossible to compromise with you…” •• “I never even wanted to spend time with your parents. I only did it because you’re so moody and I would have never heard the end of it if I didn’t…” •• “You’re such a baby! Can’t you be a real man for once?!”

Ouch. This kind of labeling might look like feelings you have to get out, but remember, everything you say in the heat of the moment has the potential to stick with your partner for a long time, and will continue to affect his perception of you. If you tell him you can’t stand spending time at his family home, or you call him a spoilt brat, even if you didn’t really mean these words, he is going to find it extremely hard to shake the thought that this is how you perceive him. It can easily become fuel for future insecurities and ultimately it will be YOU who pays the price if they can’t let go of them. While it is possible to make up the damage with reassurance and love later on, he’s going to become less trusting of you as he’ll worry in future that you might turn on him at any second and destroy his self-esteem.

Key Idea Even when you argue, you have to let each other know that you are both safe and loved. 272     Matthew Hussey

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This means: •• Do not make vicious threats about leaving him: “I’m done with this. I can’t deal with your bullshit anymore. I should find a guy who knows how to take care of me.” (Threatening the relationship is death to the relationship.) •• Avoid insulting him personally. Always address the consequence of the problem and search for solutions. Don’t say: “You’re so self-centered that you wouldn’t do anything to make me happy. You’re such a cold and uncaring person.”

Do say: “It makes me feel less loved when we don’t spend quality time together. Is that something you want? Because I need to feel like we want to spend time with each other outside the bedroom.”

•• If you must criticize something someone has done, be sure to label the action and not the person: i.e. “you DID a selfish thing” not “you ARE a selfish person”. If you believe I am usually caring but that I did something selfish, I have an incentive to change to reinforce your positive perception of me. If you believe I AM selfish, I have no incentive to change (see Chapter 34 on “How to Get Him to Change His Bad Behaviors”). •• Do not get competitive with who cares the least. E.g. “I’ve got guys queuing up who want to be with me. I don’t need to deal with this shit.” Matthew Hussey    273

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•• Do not make it sound like you’ve given up on dealing with the problem: e.g. “You’re impossible. You’ll never work on this anyway, it’s useless to talk with you about anything.”

Let’s look a bit closer at this last example. Now, I’m not saying that you’re wrong to think he’s impossible and can’t be reasoned with. It certainly is possible that your guy is the type that, even when you’ve talked and talked until you’re blue in the face, will never make an effort to work on his flaws. If that’s true, then this guy is probably bad for you in the long run. An inability to accept flaws, apologize, or deal with problems should be a huge red flag for any potential future. But is this true of the guy you’re dealing with? Be really honest with yourself and ask yourself these questions: •• Has he ever apologized and shown true remorse when he acted out of line, or after blowing up at you during an argument? •• Has he gone out of his way before to make you feel loved and protected after he made a mistake? •• Is he self-critical and does he show a willingness to accept his flaws and resolve to work on them? •• Have you seen evidence of his ability to take on board a request or complaint you made, and to genuinely change his behavior in a positive way that improved your relationship?

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•• Does he generally seem committed to making your relationship stronger? If the answer to these questions is generally or overwhelmingly “Yes”, then you have a guy who you could be with long-term, and whom you should avoid calling “useless” and “impossible”. If you use these words, even a great guy will stop seeing the point in working on the relationship, because he’ll feel as though you see him as useless no matter what he does. Remember, arguments are your chance to fix things and build more solid foundations, not to tear the walls down and wade through the wreckage. Always remember: - Slow down - Breathe - Think before you speak - Be slow to say harsh words (words are quick to say and slow to fade) - Resist snapping, retaliating or seeking to do damage - Maintain your own standards of integrity, kindness, and restraint - Be measured. Just because they are being disproportionate with their words or their negative energy, it does not mean you should meet them there.

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Chapter 50 How to Diffuse an Argument: 7 Foolproof Techniques Following on from our last chapter, below are seven solid techniques for you to use either to prevent an argument from happening, or during an argument to diffuse and work through it: 1. Force empathy “Babe, please try to put yourself in my shoes. If this were the other way around, I don’t think you would want this done to you either.”

This forces him to think about what you are going through in the situation. It doesn’t always work. He may say, “Well I wouldn’t care” – but in many cases he will find himself reevaluating for fear of finding himself in a similar situation at some point. Another example: “I see where you are coming from. Truly I do. I just need you to try and see where I’m coming from so we can both figure out why we’re feeling the way we are.”

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2. Positive identification This is where you give him a positive label as a person, and show him how what he has done is not representative of this positive image you have of him. Example: “You are so respectful towards me, you’re such a good man. But I feel like this thing you’re doing isn’t respecting me and that’s not you.”

Another: “You’re the most caring man I’ve ever met, so I know you wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt me. That’s why this situation has caught me so off guard, because I really do feel hurt.”

And finally: “Why are you complaining? You’re not that kind of man. You always get things done, and honestly… that turns me on.”

3. Lead with your standard Before you launch into what you don’t like about what he has done, start by reminding him of how high your standard is for how you treat him. E.g.

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“I am so loyal to you whenever I go out. I would never let anyone say anything negative about you, whether you are there or not. I’m your greatest champion. That’s why it hurt me so much when you didn’t stick up for me the other night at the table.”

It’s useful to use words like ‘hurt’ and ‘upset’ instead of ‘angry’ and ‘annoyed’, which are more conducive to arguments. ‘Hurt’ and ‘upset’ cut to the core of the problem quicker, because in reality, very often anger is derived from these things. Other words that have a similar effect are ‘vulnerable’, ‘insecure’ and ‘sad’. These are not combative words; they are more likely to move someone to change. 4. Assume his best motive This involves giving him the benefit of the doubt by assuming his intentions were not ignoble. “I felt really left out when you didn’t ask me if I wanted to be part of that evening with your colleagues, and I know you would never intend for me to feel that. I’m just letting you know how it made me feel.”

This works because it doesn’t tell him he’s wrong, it’s simply a moment where you let him know how something has affected you. By not being ‘in the wrong’ he can address your feelings without entangling his pride in the matter. Of course there are also times where you need to stress your ‘best motive’: “I feel really bad for screwing up your plans by making those arrangements. I know it backfired, but I really only did it to make you happy, I’m sorry.” 278     Matthew Hussey

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5. Appeal to him for help Instead of being combative, try asking for his help to overcome the feeling you’re having. “I’m not saying you are doing anything wrong by going to dinner with an old friend, I’m just jealous. I wish I wasn’t but I am, and I just need your help to overcome the feeling I’m having. Please don’t be angry at me for feeling it, I could really use your love to help me deal with it and not feel this way.”

This is a very beautiful way to be vulnerable. You’re not making it a fight, you’re asking him, as someone who loves you, to help you deal with the feelings you are having in a very honest way that is hard not to respect. 6. Get back to basics – you are a team and you love each other Sometimes when you feel an argument escalating, it’s best to shortcircuit the argument by reminding him how much you love and care for each other, and how that supersedes everything. E.g. “Look, we love each other. So let’s figure this out.”

Another example: “Clearly our intention isn’t to hurt one another so let’s discuss this. I know neither of us wants to spend our time fighting with each other. That’s not us.”

And finally:

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“Let’s not worry about how frustrating this task is and just get through it so we don’t have to think about it anymore. We’re a team. We can get through anything together.”

7. Zoom out Sometimes it’s necessary to pause and try getting more perspective on the situation: “I really feel like I’ve tried to see your point of view, but for some reason, I just can’t. That doesn’t mean we can’t find a solution, but we just need to look at this with more of an open mind than we are now.” “Can you try to help me understand?”

Bonus tip 1: After the ‘argument’ has happened and the two of you have successfully talked it through, cap it off by saying this (which can be said a few minutes later, or in some cases hours after it has passed)… “I love how we talk through things… it says so much about us that we are always able to talk things out in such a mature way. I love the way we talk and solve problems together. I think that’s what makes us so strong.”

This validates how good the two of you are at solving problems that arise between the two of you. He will remember this as a compliment and it will make him far more likely to want to live up to this reputation the next time the two of you find yourself at odds with each other.

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Bonus tip 2: In the moments your guy apologizes for something he did wrong, and you’ve chosen to forgive him, be sure to make him feel good about apologizing. Don’t shrug it off or use it as an excuse to reiterate why he should be apologizing in the first place. Instead, say something like this: “I really appreciate you saying that. You mean the world to me, I don’t want us to be fighting, and I’m grateful that you are the type of man who looks to solve things.”

Here you get him to associate the idea of ‘being a man who solves things, with apologizing’, something you want him to feel comfortable doing in the future. Of course, it doesn’t hurt to show some humility when he apologizes and be open about where you think you could have done better, too. It shows that your pride isn’t as important as honesty and humility in communication. Sometimes we all need to try to win a little less and love a little more.

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Chapter 51 How to Ask if He Is Seeing Other Women What to do when you’re kinda-sorta-dating/sleeping with a guy and want to know if he’s seeing other people? You want to ask him, but you don’t want to come across as trying to demand immediate exclusivity or rush the relationship. You just want to know where you stand. Easy. Say to him: “Are you the type of person to sleep with other women? It’s okay if that’s what you’re after, it’s just not my style. I’m not someone who does the sleeping-together-while-seeing-other-people thing. So let me know.”

Another casual way to say this is: “Are you seeing other people, or thinking about it at the moment? It’s okay if you are, but it lets me know at least where your head is at.”

When to say this? – After you’ve slept together. Maybe before the second or third time.

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This doesn’t put any pressure on him. But it also makes him aware of your standard. Without having to ask you’ve now made it clear what your intentions are. He may ask you back: “What do you see this as?” You could respond: “I’m enjoying spending time with you and seeing where this goes. I’m not in a rush with things, but I don’t do the sleeping around thing, so it helps to know what you’re looking for.”

He knows you won’t be sitting around in limbo forever and can easily make the decision to move on if he wants to play around with other women and be single.

Key Idea IMPORTANT - be wary of not sounding judgmental when you say these words to a guy. Do not sound like you are disapproving of him for wanting to be single or like you are upset at his decision to be unattached.

Once you know what he wants, you have complete responsibility for responding how you see fit. If he says he wants to sleep with other women, just start to politely be more elusive and don’t come over and have sex with him anymore. Be friendly and kind, but let him feel the fear that he might lose you.

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Now, he’ll either back off because he doesn’t want anything serious, or equally likely, he’ll start to chase you down when he realizes that he doesn’t want to lose you from his life.

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Chapter 52 How to Answer if He Asks Whether You’re Dating Someone Else When a guy becomes attracted to you, and has that moment of realization where he thinks he might want something more than just casual dating, he’ll probably ask whether you’re seeing anyone else. Should you answer honestly here? If you want to date this guy seriously, will it ruin your chances if you tell him you’re seeing other people at the same time as sleeping with him? Well, first off, you don’t have to feel ashamed for having a dating life. If this guy hasn’t shown signs of wanting to commit, you don’t have to make excuses for enjoying your singledom by going on dates with other people. Let’s imagine he says something like: “Are you seeing other people as well as me right now?” There are different answers you can give to this depending on what you want to convey. The first response puts you back in power:

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“Are you asking because you don’t want me to?”

Or to be slightly more bold: “Why are you asking? Is it because you want us to be exclusive?”

This way you take the attention off of whether you are dating other people and put it onto his intentions. The second response doesn’t hide the fact that you are dating, but it does convey a particular kind of interest in him… “Well I do date. But if I’m honest, since meeting you I haven’t had quite the same incentive to be dating around - is there a reason you ask?”

If you want to be a little bolder still, you can say: “Am I seeing other people? Yes. Do I want to be dating one of them? Yes.”

The great thing about these responses is that you are putting the question back on him. You are indirectly answering that you are in-demand and have not just made yourself exclusive with him, but you’ve also gotten him to explain his curiosity. He may say: “Just wondering”, or he may say, “Because I’m really enjoying spending time with you and just wanted to know”. Either way, you are giving him a high-value answer that lets him know where you stand (and gets him to open up about his intentions at the same time!).

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What if he asks explicitly whether you are having sex with other guys? In this case, you have two options: A. If you are sleeping with other guys, say: “That’s a pretty personal question, lol”

Or… “I’m not celibate if that’s what you mean - but I’m a very loyal person if something becomes exclusive - is there a reason you’re asking?”



Again, you flip it back onto him. Get him to answer why he is interested in the answer so you can gauge his intentions.

B. If you are not sleeping with other guys say: “If I’m sleeping with someone I don’t sleep with other people while that’s happening. Do you?”



Now you’ll know what his policy is on the same issue.

Remember, you aren’t obliged to answer questions that are irrelevant in the early stages of dating. Until you’re committed to a guy, you’re free to choose and talk about whatever aspects of your dating life you choose to share.

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Chapter 53 How to Know if You Are a Couple I want to tell you a story. It’s one of the oldest there is… Boy meets Girl. Boy falls in love. Girl feels it too. They decide to start a relationship. It’s nice. Both of them decide this was a smart decision. The End. Ah, they always made it sound so simple, didn’t they? Except there’s a more complicated, more realistic story that happens to A LOT of people. Here’s a more modern version of that classic tale (or at least the one I hear from women who attend my seminars): Boy meets Girl. Boy likes Girl. Girl likes Boy.

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Boy gets Girl’s phone number. Boy and Girl start dating for a month or so. All seems good, but Girl realizes she has no idea what Boy really wants in the long-term. Boy acts a bit cagey and gets weird whenever the topic of commitment is raised in conversation. Girl gets confused, especially since Boy seems to keep showing interest. Boy even says he likes her and that she’s special; she’s like no one he’s ever met. And still, Girl can’t help but wonder to herself: “Where is this going?” *

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People always say the beginning phase of dating someone new is the most fun part. I always think it’s the most dangerous. Dangerous because at some sudden moment between those carefree first few dates, a mysterious chemical floods your brain and you wake up one morning to realize, “Oh crap. I really like this person”. Now it just got real. Your heart is on the line now. It’s in someone else’s hands. So instead of just enjoying the experience, your brain is now racked with concerns about when he’s going to text or call, if he feels the same, and whether he sees you as a potential couple. It doesn’t help when he gives you a bunch of mixed signals too. Maybe you have truly unique, amazing dates full of chemistry and laughter, but afterwards he doesn’t call you for a week. Then he texts and asks if you want to hang out on Sunday, and although you want to see him you’re also starting to worry, “Where is this going?” 292     Matthew Hussey

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For most women, this question remains a silent one. They live day to day with this guy between fluctuating states of happiness when they are with him, and frustration and confusion when he goes cold. Some women will come out and say it: “Where is this going?”

Put on the spot in such a way, he will often give vague and unclear answers like: “Well, I don’t know, I just know I’m having a lot of fun with you. Why don’t we just see how it goes and not rush things?” “It’s hard to answer that right now, isn’t it a little early for us to know?” “I don’t want us to put a label on this and for things to get all weird or change.” “I’m still hurt/confused/scared since my last relationship so I’m really not sure what I want right now, but I really like you.” I don’t need to tell you anymore. You’ve probably heard some version of these answers, and even more from your friends’ stories. All of these are stalling methods. He doesn’t want to lose what he has, but he’s reluctant to make promises he can’t keep. Very often the women that hear these answers will attempt to make a stand and back off, only to get close to him again when he asks to see her. Matthew Hussey    293

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Part of what bothers me about the “where is this going?” question is that it feels a little too passive. It’s like you are asking him because you don’t have a say in the matter. It can also be a high pressure question from the guy’s perspective, as though he alone now has to lay all his future intentions out on the table and explain where precisely he sees his future romantic life for the next six months or longer. Most guys freak out in the face of that stress. Rather than simply give you one killer line to say which will only oversimplify the situation, in the next three chapters I present you with a series of techniques that make a man take committing to you seriously so that you don’t keep getting caught in the ‘casual trap’.

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Chapter 54 How to Show Him You Are in Demand: 3 Simple Techniques One of the ‘boxes’ you want to check on the path to exclusivity is being perceived to be ‘in-demand’. This is what both raises your Perceived Value and your Perceived Challenge (two essential parts of our Attraction Formula). It’s simple economics. When demand is high for something, that thing becomes more valuable. Dating is no different. It doesn’t hurt a guy to see that you are in-demand, and more importantly that as a result you have a choice. It helps a guy to know that you will be someone else’s before long if he doesn’t progress with you. I’m not talking about game-playing here. Just some subtle ways that you can communicate you have options. You don’t want to pose this as a threat, e.g. “If you don’t want me there are plenty of people that are ready to take me out tonight!”

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That kind of ultimatum will appeal to his competitive and prideful nature, provoking responses like: “You think you’re the only one? I can just as easily go out and find someone else.” Here are three subtle ways of creating the ‘in-demand’ effect without scaring him off or turning him against you: 1. Indirectly reference the fact that you are used to being hit on There are some low-key ways of showing a guy that you are no stranger to guys hitting on you. For example, you could be in conversation talking about the differences between men and women when they like someone. You might then say: “Men seem to always think that it’s simply enough to say you are hot and then continue to hit on you without showing any personality. It’s hilarious.”

You seem to be making a general point about men, but what you are really saying is: “I know this to be true because guys hit on me a lot.” It’s subtle, but the implication is there. The thought that you are a woman who knows what it’s like to be hit on will raise your Perceived Value as his imagination runs wild thinking of all the guys out there who see you and want you on a daily basis. 2. Talk about compliments you got that day I remember once meeting up with someone I had been seeing for a date. She was looking great and wearing a cute hat. When I saw her I said: “You look so great in that outfit.”

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She replied: “Thanks so much, that’s really sweet of you to say! I’ve been receiving so many compliments today on my hat!”

I can still recall my exact thought process when she said this. I imagined all of the people giving her compliments. I imagined them all being men (though I know a decent proportion of them were probably women). And as soon as I thought of them being men, I thought to myself: “Well, I guess there were a lot of guys using the hat as a way to hit on her today”. I’m a guy, and that at least qualifies me to know that when most guys decide to compliment something you are wearing it’s a convenient excuse to talk to you because they are attracted. Somehow I couldn’t imagine lots of fashion-conscious straight men running up to her telling her that her hat was simply to die for. The beauty of this is that she didn’t need to tell me guys were hitting on her, she just told me she was getting lots of compliments and let my imagination do the rest. Note that saying this about her hat saved her from seeming arrogant. “I got so many compliments on how beautiful I am today” doesn’t quite have the same effect. 3. “Nordstroms are like ex’s, they always do returns” I remember a woman I had very strong feelings for saying this to me one day when we were in a mall. We were in Nordstroms - the giant high-end everything store - and she was returning a pair of shoes. She had already worn them and I was truly surprised that they were going to take them back and give her a refund, and yet they did (go Nordstorms!). When I expressed my surprise, she said to me:

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“Nordstroms are like ex’s, they always do returns.”

It was a great line. Not just because it’s funny, and not just because there is a grain of truth to it when it comes to our ex’s (i.e. that they always come back at some point, or at least try to). It was a great line because the insinuation was that all of her ex’s came running back. In other words, the people she had let go of in the past – or perhaps more importantly had made the mistake of letting go of her – always ended up regretting it. It embedded a message deep in my brain: “Leave this woman and you will become another man who made a huge mistake and end up regretting it when it’s too late.” Powerful message indeed. There are other ways you can use this same psychology: “It’s amazing how guys have a way of always wanting you back.” “Ex’s all seem to have a way of running back.” “When my friends are upset about a break up, I’m always tempted to just tell them not to worry because he’ll be back. That’s been my experience anyway. They have a way of always thinking they made a mistake when it’s already too late.”

The key is not to say this in any sort of a bitter way. It’s designed to be said with a laugh and a sense of humor, but with a clear message that the men who have lost you have realized they lost someone very special. A good example of when to use one of these lines is when talking about your friends’ breakup in passing to him. E.g.

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“Lauren keeps texting me, she’s really upset right now because her and her boyfriend broke up.”

Then you can follow up with one of these lines.

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Chapter 55 How to Use Sneaky Psychology to Raise Your Value in His Eyes One thing men find really attractive is loyalty. It’s what shows us that the woman we are with has a strong sense of ethics in a relationship and that we are special. There’s nothing sexier than having a woman who gets attention (without courting it actively), but who shows massive loyalty both with you and when it happens without you being present (this is a unique pairing, in case you were wondering, of attractiveness + loyalty). From talking to thousands of men about the things they loved their girlfriends saying when they got attention from other men, I’ve distilled a couple of easy scripts for you to use. The below scripts work for a number of different situations that might normally cause a poisonous form of jealousy to arise, namely: - He sees a guy hit on you from across the room - He finds out that an old boyfriend or a guy you used to see tried to get in touch with you - He hears about a guy who hit on you when you weren’t with him. 300     Matthew Hussey

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Let’s imagine that someone you were seeing before you met your current guy texts you (whether he’s your boyfriend already or on the way to potentially becoming your boyfriend). Here’s a great way for the conversation happen: Him: “Hey beautiful, what’s going on with you?” You: “Hey, things are great. I hope you’re well! I know this is a little out of nowhere, but I’ve met someone I’m really happy with and it would be disrespectful for me to continue talking to you at this stage. I hope you understand, and that life is great for you too : )”

This is respectful to your current partner, and not overly aggressive to the person who tried to reach out. It’s kind, but it’s firm. I’m not suggesting that every single person you have ever been with has to be cut out of your life completely. Life isn’t always so simple, and in fact doesn’t always have to be. But there are certain cases whereby trying to continue a casual friendship with a past partner is detrimental and simply not worth it. Now let’s say the guy you are seeing asks you a question a week or two later such as: Him: You: Him: You:

“Do any of your previous partners ever get in touch?” “It’s happened, but I put an end to it quickly when it happens.” “When did this happen?” “A couple of weeks ago someone that I was seeing a while back texted me. I told him I was seeing somebody and that it wasn’t appropriate for him to be texting me.” Him: “What did he say?”

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Her: “He said ‘Damn, that’s a shame’. And then we stopped texting. It’s no big deal. I just see it as disrespectful to us when someone does that which is why I am clear that I don’t want them reaching out.” Before we get into the psychology here, the intention is not to make him feel angry or hurt. I’m not suggesting you go out of your way to let a guy know that someone tried to reach out to you. Most of the time in these situations it’s better just to handle them yourself and move on without affecting your new partner’s emotional state with it. But if the question comes up, or he does see or hear of something, you might as well use it as a chance to show how loyal you are. I should add that there is one sneaky little moment where you remind him how in demand you are in this script. When he asks what the guy said when you told him you were now happy and taken, and you mention his response was, “Damn that’s a shame”, you are putting on his radar that there are people that are sad you are no longer in their lives and still want you today. The message running through his head will be, “There are people just dying for her to be single again… she wouldn’t last 5 minutes”. It will only validate further how valuable he thinks you are and it raises your ‘Perceived Value’. I’m not suggesting you make up a story like this, but this example is a strong one and illustrates this idea well. You can apply the same principle in many different scenarios that are real to you. Notice that the man in question is described as “some guy” instead of being given too much of an identity which makes him too important in the present. In essence, he could be anybody. Who he is specifically is not important, unless the guy you are with decides he has to know. 302     Matthew Hussey

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When you say: “I told him I was seeing somebody and that it wasn’t appropriate for him to be texting me.”

You are sending a clear message that: “Given where we are in our relationship together, I don’t think it’s appropriate for other guys to be getting in touch and flirting with me.” I wouldn’t recommend saying this until you can already feel that the two of you are becoming close enough to suggest you MIGHT be becoming exclusive together. It shows you are loyal to him - so loyal in fact that you will make clear to another interested party that it’s not appropriate for them to be flirting with you out of respect. This builds trust, intimacy and connection. You can continue this by saying: “I see it as disrespectful to you which is why I am clear that I don’t want them reaching out.”

This makes it clear to him that you aren’t seeing other people, and that there was an implied expectation that he do the same. Warning before we move on: These situations have a tendency to turn ugly if we are not careful, which is why we shouldn’t go out of our way to bring them up. However, sometimes the person you are with will become insecure and pry into the situation in a negative way. For example: Matthew Hussey    303

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Him: “So is this someone you were sleeping with?” You: “Well yes, but it wasn’t even this year.” Him: “Well clearly he still feels comfortable texting you so have you seen him since then?” You: “What? No. Of course not” Him: “So this was someone you were just casually sleeping with then…” See how quickly this can turn ugly? So be careful. The best escape in a situation like this is not to match his energy but to truly kill it before it escalates: “Look, I have nothing to do with this person anymore. They have no importance in my life, which is why I cut him off so quickly. It couldn’t be less important to me now. My focus is on you which is why I wanted him to know it was inappropriate from now on for him to be in touch with me. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. You asked if anyone had reached out and I just wanted to be honest with you and for you to know that my loyalty is towards you.”

It’s not fair for him to make you feel guilty beyond this point. Beware men who are quick to condemn you for things you did with other men before he was even around.

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Chapter 56 How to Make Yourself His Partner, Not Just His Hookup: 5 Powerful Phrases Below are real life examples from countless stories I witnessed with the men I coached. The women who used these were each in their own way pros at making themselves ‘relationship material’ instead of being seen as just another hookup. 1. Be upfront from the moment he gets your number Contrary to most advice which says you need to play it cool upfront, there are some benefits to stating your standard from the get go. I remember a friend of mine telling me a story of a woman he met one sunny day in a local store. He could see her looking over at him the same way he was looking over at her. He felt almost positive it would go well if he went over to her, but he wasn’t expecting what she said when he asked for her number. He said: “I think you’re really attractive and wondered if you might like to exchange numbers so we can go for a drink sometime.” She replied:

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“You’re cute. I noticed you when you walked in and thought you were really attractive too. To be totally honest, I don’t do the whole hook-up thing. I can give you my number, but I just thought I’d tell you.”

Whilst this might seem presumptuous of her to say in a first conversation, it didn’t scare him off at all. He was impressed and attracted by the honesty of a woman who knew what she wanted and didn’t mind scaring him off if he wasn’t interested. Remember: When you express your standards with confidence, others will want to rise to them. It’s also worth noticing that she didn’t make it about wanting more with him. She couldn’t, she didn’t even know him. It had nothing to do with her wanting to rush in a relationship; it was simply to do with her not wanting to casually sleep around.

Key Idea This proves that you can be honest about exclusivity being important to you at ANY stage of a relationship, so long as you don’t make it about him. It’s a personal principle you have for men in general. It’s not about putting pressure on him as an individual.

You may be thinking that being celibate until you are in a relationship is a difficult task. Well, I don’t think you have to be. In fact, whether or not this woman really meant it when she said she doesn’t hook-up with people is not important. The fact that she stated it as her standard was enough to make him pay attention, and would certainly make him feel unique and special if in fact she did decide to break this rule with him.

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The more special a man thinks his bond with you is, the more likely it is he will want to carry it on. 2. Show there are old-fashioned elements to you I often see women who are so eager to look relaxed and easygoing that they are afraid to mention the ways in which they are more traditional. Please don’t think I am fighting here for you to go backwards. But sometimes the women who have elements of the old and the new are very intriguing. I’ll show you a couple of ways to do this: “It’s so weird watching certain friends of mine hooking up casually with guys. I really don’t see what they get out of it.”

This immediately tells a guy: ‘I’m not the hooking up type, so don’t waste your energy trying to put me in that category.’ It also allows you to use your friends to indirectly talk about it, without having to expressly refer to your own beliefs on the subject out of nowhere. In the situation of him asking whether you’d like to go out and party, you can say: “I love to go out and dance if there’s good music. But I’m not into the whole getting wasted and hooking up thing. I guess it’s just not for me. I just love being around my friends and having a good time.”

Here he sees that you’re not conservative when it comes to having fun, but you have a standard for yourself when it comes to who you go home with. He’ll now feel special for getting to that point with you, and he also knows he’ll have to invest to get there. Matthew Hussey    307

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This is of course another way of ‘pre-framing’ the relationship so that you are giving him cues as to how to treat you before he even gets to that point. Clever, no? 3. Be direct on the first date about your standards for sex I remember meeting a beautiful, sweet woman at a charity dinner one night in a hotel. We exchanged numbers and spent the week excitedly texting to arrange a date for that weekend. That Saturday night, when we were halfway through the date, she said to me: “So, what are your intentions here?” I’m not going to lie; her phrasing of the question initially freaked me out a little bit. I had never been asked anything like this in my life, especially on a first date. It felt a little like I’d stepped into a Jane Austen novel and was dealing with the ceremonies of meeting a young and eligible lady for the first time. I replied: “Er…with you?” Her: “Yes” I replied defensively: “Well… I just got out of a relationship and am not ready to jump back in to something like that.” Her: “That’s fair and honest. I understand that. I’m not sure how ready I am for a relationship either. But it’s good to know, because I’m not in a place where I would be intimate with someone if it wasn’t going somewhere. Casual sex is so easy for people to find, but it’s not what I’m looking for.” 308     Matthew Hussey

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Though the first part of her question about my intentions caught me off guard, what she followed up with was very attractive. I loved the certainty of someone who communicated her standard in such a straightforward manner. It wasn’t about me, it was just about what she wanted. I immediately felt intrigued. I wanted to get closer to her because of it. She had also managed very quickly to discover my views on a relationship, which let her decide how she wanted to play it. She didn’t need to tiptoe around it. She simply asked what I was looking for. It brought out my most honest answer, and the fact that she showed a willingness to walk away from the situation if it didn’t suit her made her only more desirable to be around. 4. Set a time limit for when you’ll walk away A client of mine told me a story of how he decided to commit to his wife Amy when they were first dating. He told me how at first he wasn’t sure he even wanted a relationship at all. After a few dates she brought up the question: “What do you see this as?” she asked. He wasn’t sure how to respond. Feeling evasive, he replied: “I don’t think that’s a fair question to ask at this stage.” (Women always tell me that this kind of response is incredibly annoying, but what can I say? The man knows how to deflect a question.) Fortunately, Amy had her own perfect response. She said very calmly:

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“I’m only asking because I have people asking me out and I don’t know what to tell them.”

(See how this expresses scarcity, showing how she is in-demand and not going to be around forever?) He replied: “You need to do whatever you think is the best decision for what you want.” Most women would find this lack of clarity infuriating. But she was still unfazed and didn’t rise to the bait. Instead, she made it simple with her final reply. She said: “Okay, well if we don’t know what this is by June, let’s go our separate ways” (at the time June was about two months away).

He told me that by the end of this conversation, he already felt like he wanted to be with her. In fact, within a week he felt he knew he was going to marry her. But he credited his decision to her strategy of allowing him some time and space to decide what he wanted in the long-term, without giving him an overnight ultimatum. The important part of this however is that even though she didn’t give him an ultimatum, she did set a time by which she would be willing to walk away, and he knew that time was coming. 5. Let him debate whether to commit while you get on with your life I remember an old girlfriend of mine who played it perfectly when it came to getting me to commit. We were in my car one night and she told me how much she was enjoying getting closer to me. Preempting the upcoming commitment conversation, I blurted out: 310     Matthew Hussey

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“Look, I’m not after anything serious at the moment. I’m just trying to have fun right now.” She looked calmly at me, smiled, and almost with a friendly laugh said: “Okay. I wasn’t asking you to marry me or anything”.

With that, she smiled, gave me a big, sexy kiss, said goodnight, and walked into her house. I drove home feeling like a complete idiot for taking things so seriously. I expected her to be frustrated and angry when I said I wasn’t looking for any commitment. But she wasn’t. She was relaxed, and I looked like the drama queen. Our next date was a little harder for me to get. She suddenly had less time for me than she did for her friends, her family, her work and her hobbies. It wasn’t that she ignored me, but more that she had made a conscious decision that since I didn’t want a relationship, I wasn’t going to be a priority in her life. When I did finally see her a week or so later, we had so much fun. She was sexy, playful, teasing and happy. After a couple of hours she decided she needed to get home (very frustrating since I was looking forward to taking her home!). All of a sudden I felt myself wanting to be her priority. She seemed so laid back and in control, and here I was saying I didn’t want to be serious with her. I remember asking her on another date and she told me she was busy with work, seeing friends, and going shopping with her mom. I had to wait nearly another week to see her. I remember in that week saying to myself: “Why on earth don’t you just be with this girl already? She’s awesome, and all of this ‘freedom’ you have is simply being spent thinking about her, so just go for it you idiot.” Matthew Hussey    311

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She didn’t need to sell me on a relationship, because while she was off living her life without apology, I was selling myself on it. It was as if she said: “You go have this internal battle with yourself, me and my mom are going to buy shoes.”

When I finally saw her for that date, I told her I had totally changed my mind and that I wanted to be exclusive. Her response? Her: “Are you sure?” Me: “Yes! I’m sure.” Her: “Ok” (said with the same fun and playful smile she had the first time I brought up commitment.) The formula? When I brought up my doubts, she remained calm, made a personal decision to de-prioritize me, whilst still bringing her A-game when I did actually get to see her. She got on with her life while I did battle with myself. When I finally sold myself on the idea, she was the better off for having continued to invest in herself and the things and people who were the real priorities in her life. Important note: If a guy does decide that he really, really doesn’t want a relationship right now, exit the situation without malice and don’t say anything spiteful. Never say something cold or petty, such as: “Don’t bother coming back if you change your mind!”

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This only leads you to two problems: (1) It confirms that you are overly emotional and validates his decision to bail, and (2) It makes it impossible for him to change his mind later. You shouldn’t ever be sitting around waiting for a guy to change his mind. Perhaps later on your paths with this guy will cross, and maybe at that point you’ll wish you didn’t end things so badly especially if there’s a chance for a relationship to spark up again. Think of it this way: leaving things in a positive manner is like making an investment for the future. The investment may never pay off, but if it does, you will be in a position to reap the rewards. You are never pushing for the quick close. You show a guy that you’re awesome and have standards, and you can even tell him you really like him, but you never try to sell him on being a couple. Just listen to what he says, make your exit gracefully, and start seeing other people. There’s a good chance he’ll come back if you handle this correctly. If not, you’ve saved yourself a lot of time waiting for some guy who was never serious about you to begin with. If you follow all these steps, you’ll have communicated value to the guy, and you’ll have shown him with your actions that you have self-respect, standards, and that you are scarce. One last thing: I remember a girlfriend once saying to me: “I always promised myself that I wouldn’t move in with a man until I got married”.

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Though I didn’t agree with the idea (I think it’s madness not to trial living with someone before deciding to do it for a lifetime!), the notion of her saving something for the man she would marry was an attractive one. It plays on the psychology of something being exclusive to the man you ultimately end up with. I don’t think it matters too much exactly what it is – it doesn’t have to be sex, or moving in together, or anything that big. It can be much more specific, such as, “I always said I wouldn’t go on safari in Africa until it was with the man I would end up with”. Saying this has the effect of making the future relationship you have seem sacred and valuable and something to be prized. The good news is, no matter how old you are, or how many relationships you’ve had, or how much you’ve already done, there’s always something you haven’t done!

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Chapter 57 How to Ask Him if You Are Exclusive At the beginning of my live seminars I usually ask three questions. The first two seem relatively simple: 1) “Who here is single right now?” As you can imagine, most of the hands go up. 2) “Who here is in a relationship right now?” Typically about 20% of the room put their hands up.

The third question always gets a laugh, but has quite a few reluctant hands going up…

3) “Who here isn’t sure if they are in a relationship?” This question is poignant, because it highlights just how confused we can be as to where we actually stand in a relationship. Some people simply don’t know if they are really exclusive with someone. This begs the question, is there such a thing as ‘implied exclusivity’ after a certain amount of time, or as a result of certain behavior between two people which suggests they are no longer going to be with anyone else? I asked my Facebook community in what moments they believed ‘implied exclusivity’ was created. Here are some of the responses: Matthew Hussey    315

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“When another person hits on you and they get protective…” “The minute he refers to you as his girl around his friends. Definitely sends the message that you are his and they need to back off.” “When he uses phrases like ‘I’m gonna show you’, ‘I’m gonna teach you’, ‘We should do this some time’, or ‘I’m gonna introduce you to’. The expressed (and eventually materialized) intention of sharing experiences together.” “When he starts planning things a little way down the line (concerts, going to weddings, trips), it’s usually pretty safe to assume.” “I think when you are having sex several days per week, both saying how perfect everything is when you are together, and you are talking almost every day…” “Exclusiveness is implied as soon as you both expect to spend the weekends together, and you’ve met some of the important people in his/her life.” “Affection in public. I live in Nashville - this is something you think about in a small town.” “If you go out separately, meeting up to spend the night even just to snuggle.” “When he lets you look at/use his phone without freaking out. Guys have those bad boys on lock down when on the dating scene.” “When he called me from Colorado on a work trip to describe its beauty to me... And then we talked till his phone died. Sharing little moments like that.”

***

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Despite all of these comments, every third was a variation of a woman saying: “Never ever, ever, ever assume anything!” Needless to say, these are likely to have been those who have been burned in the past by assuming too much. And yet though many women agreed that ‘assuming is dangerous’, they could point out moments when they felt a shift in the relationship to something exclusive. Though the notion of not talking about exclusivity, but allowing it to happen naturally seems more romantic, I’ve come to believe that it’s important to have the conversation if in doubt. That doesn’t mean it has to be done in a painfully serious way. Just that it’s made clear that the two of you are now monogamous. If in doubt, here are some phrases you can use: “I’m not sleeping with anyone else now that I’m seeing you, and I wanted to know if you’re in the same place.” “I know that it feels like we are exclusive, but I don’t want to assume, and I want to see where your head is at.” “I deleted my dating account online now that we are seeing each other. I wouldn’t want people to think I’m still available. I wanted to know if you’ve done the same…”

Q: What do you call him before you are exclusive? In the early stages, you can call him “the guy I’m seeing” when talking about him to friends, or when telling him a story you were telling your friends about him, e.g.:

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“I was telling my friends about the guy I’m seeing and they were very impressed with that thing you did for me the other night.”

If you feel like the two of you are exclusive but you haven’t said it yet, calling him ‘your guy’ instead of your boyfriend in front of him is a cute halfway house. If you are talking to him you would say: “I was telling the restaurant manager that my guy is on his way so he saved you a seat at the bar next to me”.

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Chapter 58 How to Get on His Mom’s Good Side Men and their moms. I feel I need say no more. You already know. It’s a tough relationship to deal with at the best of times. You want to get close to him, and she doesn’t want you stealing him. You protest inside that you are not trying to, and yet her experience has shown her that when he really gets close to a woman he’s likely to pay his ole mom less attention. What to do? Below are some quick tips for putting everyone at ease, and having the soft centered tyrant decide to open the gates and let you in (yes mom, I’m talking about you in this chapter too, don’t think you’re any less difficult than any other mom). Before you’ve met her: - Ask him questions about her “Tell me about your mom! Are you guys close? What’s she like?”

When he’s on the phone with her you can say:

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“Awww tell her I said hi!”

This shows you care and you are a welcoming person. Above all, be interested in the relationship between him and his mom. - Refrain from getting on the negative bandwagon: He may be ranting about his mother on occasion, but that doesn’t mean you should jump in. There is an alternative that means not attacking his mom directly. If he says something she did wrong say: “Well I care about you so I don’t like that it’s bothering you.”

As an extra way of showing how great of a teammate you are, you can add to the end of this: “…what can I do to help?”

This shows you are there for him without playing sides against his mother. - When you see her: Compliment her on the type of boy she raised. She wants to hear that she is important, that loyalty to family is important, and that you respect her (as well as his relationship with her). 322     Matthew Hussey

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You can say to her: “It’s clear that family is important to him. He talks about you all the time.”

Or if he doesn’t get to see her all that much: “I know he misses you so much, he talks about you all the time.” “There are so many occasions where we are experiencing something together and he says he wishes you were there to experience it too.”

- Don’t make it sound like you know him better than she does She may talk about a food he never eats at home. Don’t jump in and say: “Well he eats them all the time around me.”

It may be true. It’s not worth it. - Don’t overdo it by talking about all the ‘mumsy’ things you do for him: If you always pack for him when he leaves town, or make his coffee in the morning, don’t feel the need to tell her every detail. You may think you are scoring points by telling her all the little ways you look after him, but she’ll likely hear: “I’ve been replaced”. You may even find she gets competitive in these moments. If you say:

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“I always fold his clothes and pack for him when he’s about to get on a flight.”

She may say, “Oh he loves when I pack for him, he always gets me to do it”. This is her way of re-asserting control. Let her, it should be no big deal to you to let her feel important. She did raise him for God’s sakes! Just agree: “You’re right he does, that’s where he gets it from when he asks me because you’re not there!”

- If she’s really trying to be difficult: If things get really bad, and you are doing all of the right things, it’s okay to confront her when the two of you are alone together. Simply say: “Hey, I noticed there is a little bit of tension between us, and I wanted to know if there is anything I’m doing to create it. I want to have a wonderful relationship with you because I care about your son deeply and I know how much his relationship with you means to him and you. I’d love to clear the air.”

If she ever expresses concern about you getting in the way of their relationship, be clear with her: “I would never come between the two of you. That relationship is sacred and I have the utmost respect for it. I love being part of his life and I wouldn’t get in the way of something so important in his life. Your acceptance means a lot to me.”

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Chapter 59 How to Handle the ‘Other Women’ In His World I’m not talking about the bevvy of mistresses that regularly strut around in bikinis over at his mansion, unless you happen to be dating Hugh Hefner (in which case you’ll need more advice than I can offer here). I’m talking about those women already in his life, those he considers ‘pals’, ‘buddies’ and ‘friends-without-benefits’ (also known as ‘friends’). Many guys have varying degrees of female friends, and meeting them can be quite nerve-wracking, especially if you feel sized up and judged from the moment he introduces you as the new number one woman in his life. Embrace the fact that he has female friends. It’s likely to mean he has some idea of how to treat women, and isn’t a one-dimensional guy who only has male friends. With this in mind, here are some quick ways of handling these girl buddies of his: •• Be interested – I’ve seen many women make the mistake of assuming an immediately combative stance with all other Matthew Hussey    325

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women in their man’s life. They try to shun them, or shut down around them, or attempt to pull their guy away from them, as if they are perpetually scared these women are looking to snatch him away from them. This is a huge mistake! The women will decide they don’t like you, and your man will see this as petty, jealous behavior on your part. Worst of all, he may begin feeling the need to see you and them on separate occasions because he knows it’s awkward having everyone in the same room together. Solution Do the exact opposite. When you meet other women in his life, show them attention, even if it means taking your attention off of him sometimes. Be excited that you have a bunch of potential new girlfriends to spend time with and ingratiate yourselves with them immediately. Be genuinely interested in who they are, and don’t just ask about their relationship with your guy. Treat them as separate and independent from him. Warning: You don’t have to seem over-interested. It has to be genuine, or it will seem like another form of game playing. Just treat them like new people you’d like to be friends with. Some starter lines for you when speaking to them… “Threat Crusher” Techniques

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•• Compliment them: “I really like your dress, where did you get it?”

•• Show interest in their origin story with him (especially if you want them to show interest in yours): “He told me the story of how you guys met. That’s so funny, I love that story!”

•• Appreciate how long they’ve known him: “I can’t believe you’ve known him that long, tell me some embarrassing stories…”

•• Be their ally – Have fun playfully taking their side now and again and teasing him. Don’t do this relentlessly, but it can be a fun way to create some playful tension between you and him. If he says something obnoxious or sexist, be on the women’s side and call him out for it. Show that you’re not going to just be on your guy’s side whenever he is totally wrong or just being a guy! If the subject of men leaving the toilet seat up came about, you could say: “Look, we know you don’t mean to but…”

The ‘we’ aligns you with them as a fellow woman and increases the sense of community between you all. Matthew Hussey    327

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Perhaps one of his friends arrived late to a dinner you were all having, and he is complaining to you all that women take forever to get ready and are always late. You might say: “Hey, every girl wants to look pretty, make sure her hair and makeup looks nice. She never knows who she’s going to meet that night! I mean I didn’t just roll out of bed when I met you!”

This is a subtle way of defending her and showing that you have her back as a woman. It may also be the case that on occasion they are making fun of him. Maybe they are making fun of the way he is about comic books. When they are teasing him playfully be affectionate with him and enjoy the fact that the women are cracking jokes at him, but then whisper in his ear: “I think that’s so adorable, I love it”.

Or when they are making fun of how he geeks-out about video games, say: “I never knew that! Don’t worry babe I still think you’re the sexiest man in the room.”

•• Show them how much you admire him – On the opposite side, make sure you show them that you think he’s really special and that you see what a great guy he is. Just don’t take this for meaning you need to cling to him constantly and be kissing him all night in front of them. 328     Matthew Hussey

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If everyone feels so uncomfortable by your PDA (Public Display of Affection) that they start looking around for the fire exit, you’ve gone too far! Here are some examples of how to ‘admire’ him publicly (tailor them to your guy of course)… These are great things to say to his female friends when he’s not present, but some can be said in front of him too. If he happens to be there when you are saying something lovely about him, all the better. “He’s so genuine.” “I love the way he makes me feel, and it means a lot that I’m meeting people that are close to him because he seems to surround himself with really great people”

(This is a fantastic way to pay them a compliment at the same time as him). “He’s so smart, I learn new things from him every day.” “I love that he enjoys talking about nerdy stuff, it’s the best, I love that side of him.” “When he met my friends they loved him. He was so charming and kind. That’s one of the things I really appreciate about him, he is kind to people and always welcoming”

(This has the added effect that when he hears he did a great job with your friends, he’ll be encouraged to get even closer to them next time).

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“It’s so impressive watching him work. It’s like watching him in his element. He’s so in control and able to handle business. I love watching it.”

(Men love when you appreciate them ‘doing their thing’, whatever that may be. Someone said this about me and I’ve never forgotten it.) Another way to admire him publicly is when he says something intelligent, or simply something you agree with in front of everybody. You can say: “That’s a really good point babe.” “I’d never thought about it that way, that’s really interesting.”

•• Don’t ever try to compete by showing how much better you know him – You might feel like you have a once-ina-lifetime-so-amazing-unique connection with him. And maybe you do. But maybe you’ve only been dating him a few months. These girls might have known him for a lot longer. Show respect for their connection and don’t feel the need to brag and exaggerate how much you’re a part of his life; it will only reveal insecurity on your part. Let him tell them that. You don’t need educate them on how close the two of you are, they will see for themselves. Remember, you’re going home with this guy at the end of the night. Not them. You don’t need to prove anything about how special your relationship is to them. The most important thing is that they see you as an individual, and not merely as your boyfriend’s accessory. 330     Matthew Hussey

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Instead, here are a couple of things you can do: Preface what you say about him with a little humility: “We’ve only been dating for a few months so I don’t know everything, but from what I have learned about him…”

Take the opportunity to pay their connection with him a compliment: “It’s so nice being around you guys who know him so well.” “You know him so well, what sort of thing do you think he’d like to do on this special night I’m planning?”

(You could do this on his birthday or a special occasion. Asking them their opinion on something important is a great way to compliment them on how close they are with him and show that you accept them.) Or, in a private moment with her, quite simply talk about the nice things he says about her: “It’s been really great spending time with you. He speaks very highly of you.”

“He always tells the story of that time when you helped him out. He really appreciates you. And I appreciate how good you are to him. It’s really lovely to see.” “I can see your friendship means a lot to him.”

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•• Do not criticize other women to him – The cardinal rule is simply to stay classy. Maybe you think one of his girl pals is dumb, or shallow, or bitchy, or even just boring. But know that nothing is gained by you bringing this up unnecessarily. This really is one area where if you can’t think of anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all! If as soon as your boyfriend gets in the car you burst out: “Linda is so ditsy and annoying. I couldn’t stand her!”

It’s going to make it sound like you’re threatened by her, or like he has bad taste in friends. What you really want is him to see how amazing you are in comparison to them. It’s not about not having an opinion. By all means if he asks your honest opinion on his friends you can give it. Just try not to go on the attack, and do your best to focus on the positives. Of course, if he gets in the car and starts saying Linda is ditsy, then you have an opening to agree with him. But even then you can actually stay classy by highlighting her good points: “Maybe a little, but she seems like a really kind person.”

You don’t need to be disingenuous and lie here – you can acknowledge the girl is ditsy, but try to be the one who has something nice to say about them, at least after the first meeting. It doesn’t mean you have to become best friends

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with his girl buddies – it just requires that you stay above the petty insults. Bottom line here – be the woman he’s proud he brought to the party – the one who stands out from the crowd for being warm and engaging. The nicer you are to them, the more his girl pals are going to be complimenting you to him when you leave. Now, what if his female friend did something you didn’t like? Here are some potential ways to bring it up: “Is it me or is she a little cold? Maybe she’s just having a bad day?”

“Is it me or does she have a thing for you? I mean, I get why she would. But have you ever picked up on that?”

“I don’t want to come off jealous, but they seem to be really flirtatious with you, have you noticed that? I know you are respectful, and that’s all I care about, I’m just curious.”

“Maybe I’m being a bit sensitive but this really hurt my feelings…”

(Important to say “it made ME feel” not “SHE did this…” Make it about you, that’s the only thing that’s important to him.) “I didn’t appreciate it when she said that and you didn’t say anything… It felt a little like you weren’t there for me. I’m not trying to be difficult, I just wanted to let you know.”

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“I’m curious, what made you say that thing when we were with your friends, because it sounded strange to me…”

(‘Curious’ is a word that is less confrontational and therefore more likely to open up the channels of communication between you.) I remember a time when I was dating someone and her best friend was a guy. In fact, she had a lot of guy friends - she was that type of woman. But this one she had been close to for years. In one specific instance I noticed that he kissed her on the lips as we all said goodbye at the end of a night out together. You may be thinking this sounds awful, but believe me when I say it was harmless. It was no different from a quick kiss on the cheek. But that wasn’t to say that I felt comfortable with it as an ongoing thing. It had crossed a line for me, and here is what I said to her: “I love your friendship with X, I think it’s awesome. But I noticed he kissed you on the lips as we all said goodbye. Maybe that’s something the two of you have done for a while, but now that we are together, is that something that I’m supposed to be okay with moving forward?” I didn’t say this in an aggressive way; I said it in a way that suggested I was curious about what she was going to say. In fact my tone was almost kind. It wasn’t that if she said “yes” I would have moved on. Clearly there was a deeper message I was sending. But I’m sure as soon as I said it her head went to this place: “Uh-oh, if I send a message to him that this is okay between me and this guy, I’m also saying that this is something that’s okay for him with all of his female friends, and I don’t want that. I need to show I respect him”. I should also say that in reality he had put her in a slightly awkward position by doing that in front of me in the first place. But I didn’t 334     Matthew Hussey

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bother to bad-mouth him, I kept it about me and her and the type of relationship we wanted together. She was emphatic right off the bat in saying: “Absolutely not. You don’t ever need to be okay with that. I’m sorry, I’ll make sure he knows from now on that that’s not okay, you’re absolutely right”. I credit the laid-back tone and inquisitive nature of my question with getting this kind of reaction. Had I been aggressive or judgmental, I’m quite sure she would have tried to defend the situation or simply make light of it as part of an immediate defense strategy (that’s not to say she wouldn’t have come around later, but it might have taken longer for us to get there). Here are some other ways of expressing dissatisfaction when you feel he has crossed a line: “I don’t want to create any issues between you and your friends, but that situation doesn’t feel cool with me. I know I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“I don’t want to create any issues between our relationship and your friends. I just didn’t like it when…”

What speaks to me about both of these examples is that you are expressing a desire to keep his relationships with his friends intact. You are simply expressing how you would like to be treated and respected in the dynamic. Remember, it’s not what his friends do that matters. You can’t control them and neither can he. It’s how he reacts to situations that arise with them that matters. You are dating him, not his friends.

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Chapter 60 How to React When He Says He “Needs Space” It’s a common occurrence in relationships. In the throes of passion we yearn to get closer and closer and closer, until finally, one or both partners finds themselves screaming inside: “Arrghhhh, I just need some ME time!” It often has nothing to do with attraction, and it doesn’t spell the end of a relationship. It’s a thought that creeps in when we start to feel a loss of self when we come together to be with someone else, and is often very easily fixed. Giving our partners space is like creating a pressure valve that allows us to relax in the knowledge that we still have a sense of independence, even if it does come with more boundaries than we have when we are single. It’s a chance for us to breathe, feel space, and then importantly, feel desire for our partner who is not with us. When they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, they should really be saying: “Absence make desire grow stronger”. It is desire that space stokes, even more than love, which is often created when we are together getting closer to our partner. This is the great battle we have in relationships; we need love that is created by coming together, but to continue to be entertained in a relationship we need the desire that begins to grow when we are apart. We must master both if we want our relationships to last.

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Therefore, the clever woman doesn’t just accept him needing space, she encourages it. Think about this for a moment: He comes to you saying he wants to go out with just his guy friends and you say: “Oh so you don’t want me to come? OK then.”

And then you get cold. He either stays home and gets resentful, or leaves and feels the urge (even if he’s too much of a gentleman to actually do it) to complain to his friends about how you never give him space. What if instead you said: “That’s great! I’m so glad you’re getting time with them, you’ve been working so hard it’s about time you spend time with the guys.”

Or what if he hasn’t been out with the guys in a while and you proactively said: “You should get out with the guys this week. I’m sure they miss you and you haven’t seen them in a while.”

Key Idea My dad once told me the key to relationships is to not give the other person anything to rebel against. I’ve never forgotten that.

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Here you are encouraging him to take space from you proactively, which not only eliminates any urges he has to ‘rebel’ and take time away from you, but also makes you seem strong and confident. If he does go, he’ll be out with his friends excited to get back to you. Here are some additional scripts: “Babe, you should absolutely go to the game with just your friends tonight.”

“That sounds so much fun, you’re going to have a riot.”

“Okay fine, go have fun, but you have to promise to make love to me when you get home : )”

“I’m going to miss you, but I’m glad you are getting time with your friends/family.”

“Babe, I’m going out this evening with the girls, why don’t you see what the boys are doing?”

Important: Don’t make the mistake of thinking to yourself, “Okay, it’s fine if he goes to see his friends without me, but if there are other women there I should be invited”. This is not a fair way to give space. Just because there are women there, it doesn’t change anything. The key is not really giving him ‘time with his boys’; it’s giving him time away from you - to miss you, to create a sense of mystery between you, and to give you things to talk about when you come back together. Be wary of creating unsustainable rules in your relationships.

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If you show you are supportive of his space, you will be much more likely to have a man who wants to be close to you, and you’ll look completely sexy and confident in the process. Now, while we are on the subject, let’s make sure you know how to ask for space when you need it for yourself. There’s nothing wrong with asking for some “me time” when you need it. But it’s how we communicate this desire for space that makes all the difference. The principle you want to follow is simple: Be direct, communicate your need for space, but also make him feel important. It’s a myth that men can’t handle independent women. A lot of men can. What they really can’t deal with is women who make them feel undesired. So how can you communicate independence whilst making him feel important and desired? Here are examples: 1. “Honey, I really appreciate your help and I love having you around me, I just need to get this done before I spend time with you. I can’t wait to be with you when I’m finished though.”

Another way of saying this is: “Babe, I just want to get this done so I can give you my undivided attention when I’m finished.”

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2. “I’m going to see Jane and the girls tonight, but when I get back I’m going to want to rip your shirt off as soon as I’m home, so be ready!”

3. “Susan invited me on a trip this weekend which sounds really fun, but I know I’m going to miss you SO much! We have to do a trip together soon just me and you okay?”

4. When you are about to leave him say, “I can’t wait to text you” as a way of creating an ‘open loop’ – this is a marketing term for creating something exciting that the person is looking forward to and keeps their attention. It will also makes him feel you aren’t just going to forget about him. Be aware that if EVERY time you need some space you are treading on eggshells hoping that he won’t take offence, this is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. If your partner isn’t secure enough to give you space to do things independently, this is something that must be talked about in the relationship. You might bring it up like this: “I love spending time with you, and I care deeply about our relationship and making it as good as it can possibly be. That’s exactly why I think it’s important for us to each have our own things going on. It makes me miss you, it turns me on to get excited about coming back to you, and it even makes you a little mysterious to me which I find really sexy. I don’t say we should each have our stuff going on because I don’t care. I’m saying it because I love us and I think the thing that makes couples strong are not just the moments when they are together, but the moments when they are apart.”

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to most relationships. Love is created by closeness; desire is born in the space between two people. The passion in relationships is held together by the constant ebb and flow of closeness and separateness. In the words of Esther Perel: “Everyone needs a secret garden.”

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Chapter 61 How to Deal With His Bad Habits at Home How often do these demands help you get what you want from a guy? “So, are you gonna look at the dishes in the sink or do you want to help me put them away?” “Do you think your clothes are gonna get up and walk themselves to the laundry basket?” “Why is the towel on the floor again? Is it so hard to hang it up after you dry yourself off?” “Can you please, for once, put your dish in the sink and not leave it at the table? I’m not your maid.”

No man wants to be treated like a dunce while you pick apart his failures with your eyes. He’ll end up feeling patronized, angry, full of resentment, and treated like an inept child. That’s not to say he isn’t being a lazy pig, or selfish - he may well be. But it’s important to know that how you approach the situation can determine whether he changes his bad habits or continues to drag his heels. 342     Matthew Hussey

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There is a way to get what you want by phrasing it differently, which should help you to alleviate a lot of pointless arguments. I don’t need to convince you that men don’t listen to nagging. As women you have to be smart enough not to treat him like a child, but a teammate instead. If he buys into the idea of the two of you as teammates, he will look to work with you, not against you. How do you do this? First, stop watching and supervising. It’s a waste of energy. You need to communicate what you need to him, then step back and allow for changes to happen. No one wants to change while they are being monitored. They want to feel it is their decision to change, not yours. Also, if you make him feel like he is useless, don’t be surprised when he acts that way. There is a difference between him doing something lazy and him BEING lazy. Trust me when I say you want him to have the image of himself as a man who can fix problems. Men have a deep need to be able to take care of the woman they love, and men who feel like failures at this suffer a blow to their self-esteem that actually makes them more incapable of satisfying you long-term. Rather than putting out the fire in him, think about how to use its energy in a way that’s useful to you.

The Sprinkler vs. the Power-Hose Approach Every man must have genuine appreciation from his partner. He needs two things to be satisfied in a relationship: He must feel like you believe in his abilities to take care of you, and that you appreciate the things he provides. Matthew Hussey    343

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If you say: “God, you’re such a slob all the time, you’re useless. I’ve never known a man who is so bad at keeping a place tidy! I hate living like this, it’s ridiculous. You never do anything just to help me.”

He will now start thinking about the things he does do for you and how it all counts for nothing. This can easily turn to anger in his mind. He’ll be stunned that he can be called useless when he tries so hard in other areas. He’ll feel like all his hard efforts to be a man who provides and make his woman feel taken care of are completely unappreciated. So, his ego feels bruised. He becomes less attracted. He feels resentment, and therefore acts coldly towards his partner, feeling that there’s no point making an effort if it never seems appreciated. Notice that his feelings of resentment are not about him having to help more around the house. He probably even agrees with you that this is a failing of his, and that he ought to be more diligent with personal tidiness and helping with chores. His resentment comes from his abilities as a partner being called into question, and men become extremely defensive when their abilities are questioned. Instead, when you demand something from your man, always begin with reassurance. Reassure him that you appreciate him, and that he is a success as a partner. To do so, you can say:

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“Babe, I know that you work so hard and we have such a lovely life together, but it would make me feel so good if we can share a tidy, cozy home together. I want us to feel good about coming home to a clean, warm place. When the place is a mess and disorganized it doesn’t feel nice to come home to. From now on will you help me keep on top of it, because I can’t do it on my own?”

This is the initial Sprinkler Approach. All you are doing is watering a seed in him. You are showing appreciation for him, then telling him what’s wrong, but also asking him for his help (which makes him want to be the shining knight who helps you). The Sprinkler Approach should always be your first choice when dealing with a relationship problem. Talk about how you want to work with him, and be a team together. For example: “Babe, you’d be saving the day if you could help me keep this place tidy. I know after a long day of work it’s the last thing we both want to do, but if you help me we have more time with each other to enjoy the evening. I love when we act like the team we are.”

You can also say: “I know you’re busy and it can be annoying, because I hate when I need to do the dishes after cooking, but can we be a team? It would be so helpful if you helped me with ____. I feel like I’m doing it all alone and I know you’d never let that happen.”

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As a more playful option you could say: “Babe, before you put on that sexy superman suit and save the world, could you save your woman and help me with ____” (try throwing him a kiss at the same time)

Or if he leaves the bathroom soaking wet after a shower you can say: “There’s water everywhere in here. Are you sure you’re not secretly a dolphin?”

Now you’re pointing out how wet he leaves the shower without having to chastise him. Here is a nice phrase to start talking about an issue: “I love how we can talk about anything, that’s why I wanted to bring up that…”

By stating that you love how you can talk about anything with him, you are softening the ground before you start. But of course, sometimes he’ll repeat mistakes. Sometimes you’ll feel more angry and frustrated, and you can’t be sweet and gentle about every problem. At this point, try more of a Power Hose Approach. You tell your guy:

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“Listen, we have to talk about this mess situation. You know I love being with you, and you make me very happy. But this is a situation I refuse to carry on with. I’ve always kept my house tidy and I hope you would respect me enough to want to help do that too. I know we have different natural habits, but this is really important to me, and I need you to understand that. I don’t deserve to live in a way that I can’t tolerate.”

This is much more direct and tells him that you mean business. Here’s the beauty of it though: It raises your value and communicates your standard without emasculating him by failing to make him feel appreciated. Alternatively: “I need your help babe. I know I’ve brought this up before but it would be so helpful if you helped me around the house. My patience is running thin because I’ve always kept my house tidy. I would hope you respect me enough to want to help out. I don’t deserve to live in a way that I can’t tolerate. Not to mention, it will cause bickering between the two of us and we both don’t want that.”

This precise tone and language will always get a man to take your demand seriously and understand your need in no uncertain terms. Rather than see it as daily nagging, i.e. you keep telling him to pick up his clothes and wash his dishes - you are giving him a serious talk that outlines just how important this is to your happiness in a relationship. Want your man to take out the garbage?

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“It would mean a lot to me if you did this. This isn’t about me trying to get you to do something silly where I just want to nag or control you. I’ll never be a nag, but it’s not just taking out the garbage – it’s what it means to me. It shows you’re there for me and that you’re being a genuine teammate.” People argue when they should get back to a place where they say, “You and I are teammates and though taking out the garbage isn’t the most important thing in the world, it’s one of the little things that shows me you’re in my corner.”

Remember, if both of you buy into the frame that you are teammates, the jobs you don’t like doing are irrelevant, because it becomes about making life better for each other.

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Chapter 62 How to Know When to Say “I Love You” Saying “I love you” feels like one of those magic milestones in a relationship. It’s certainly no guarantee of future relationship happiness or success, but for most men it’s a sign of significant feelings towards you to say the least. The words mean more to some men than others of course, but it’s safe to say for many they are a sign of real commitment. Like when you decide to move in together, or when he wants you to meet his family, or the first time he makes you breakfast after sex, it shows you’ve leveled up in your relationship. If your man doesn’t seem close to uttering those words and you’re already some way down the line, you probably feel annoyed right now. Or maybe you’re just anxious because you are ready to say them yourself, but you don’t want to make the leap to say them if he’s not there with you. Who says it first? In general, I think it’s always nice if the guy makes the first move to saying “I love you”. It gives you a way of knowing where you stand in his affections, and it’s an important moment when a guy signals his intention to move things forward. Matthew Hussey    349

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But what if he just won’t say it? What if he shows loving, kind, caring behavior, but just won’t let the damn words exit his mouth? It could mean two things: (1) He struggles with showing affection (2) He’s not ready for a bigger commitment and doesn’t want to create bigger expectations with you The first of these you have a good amount of control over, so let’s deal with that first. Some guys are just more cautious than others. Saying ‘I love you’ feels like a big step and he’s scared to take it. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to, and it isn’t always a sign of lack of commitment. It’s just scary. (There are of course other guys who simply aren’t adept at expressing feelings in this way.) With this type of guy, you have to give him certainty. You can tell he’s on the verge of saying he loves you when he starts saying phrases like: “I care about you so much” “I adore you” “I’m so into you” “I’m crazy about you” “You’re one of the most special people in my life” “You make me so happy” 350     Matthew Hussey

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“I’ve never met anyone like you” This already tells you he is feeling close to love - if not feeling it already. If he’s saying these things, he’s probably near to it but is holding himself back. You need to show him it’s safe to say it. You should never rush a guy, but you can show him that you’d be happy for him to express his feelings of love. Here’s what you say: “I feel so close to you. You’re so special to me. But it’s hard for me to know if you feel the way about me that I do about you. I want to express the way I feel, but I don’t want to feel alone in saying it. Are there things you want to say sometimes that you hold yourself back from? Or is that just me?”

If he says yes, ask him, “What makes you scared to say how you feel?”

Or you can go sweet with it and say: “I just want you to know that whenever you want to say those things, I’ll have a big smile on my face.”

Now you’ve shown him that (a) You have strong feelings for him, and (b) it’s safe for him to speak his own. At this point, you must NOT push him any further.

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He may come around in a week and say it, or maybe even a month, but do NOT push it.

Key Idea You’ll only make him feel observed and under pressure which will make him shrink even more away from saying it. You can nudge him, but he still needs to feel like it is his own spontaneous decision.

Show that it’s okay for him to be vulnerable As part of the bigger conversation in getting a guy to open up with his feelings more, it’s important to provide a safe environment where you encourage moments of openness. If he says: “You made me smile today” You can say: “Awww, I love that. It feels so good. You make me smile too. When else do I make you smile?”

In this way you encourage him to keep going. You need to make him better at saying how he feels about you. If he says you look great one morning when you wake up, say to him:

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“I really love it when you tell me I look good in the morning. It makes me feel so sexy.”

Think of the road to expressing feelings as a series of conversations that build, instead of one single relationship-defining moment like it is in the movies. What if he still won’t say it? If a guy still won’t tell you he loves you after another month or two, it’s time to be more direct. You have to face the second possibility we talked about above: that a guy may not be saying he loves you because he doesn’t want to invest too much in the relationship. This means he may not see it going anywhere, and you are better confronting him now than just ignoring it. Here’s something you can say: “So I have a better understanding of where you’re headed, I’d like to share something that’s been on my mind. We have such memorable, special moments together and during those moments I find myself saying, “I love you” in my head. I haven’t heard those ‘three words’ come out of your mouth even though I can feel it when we’re around each other. Could you help me understand why? Are you scared? If so, what are you afraid of? You’re an incredible man and with anyone else I’d walk away if I hadn’t heard the three words, but I care about you and about us, and I want this to work. Could you let me in and help me understand?”

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He may come back with this: “I have an amazing time with you, but I don’t see why it’s so important that we say that. They’re just words. Isn’t it more important how much we get on when we spend time together?” To which you can respond: “Yes, you’re right. I completely understand where you are coming from because I value actions more than words. But I also want to be with someone who is willing and able to express their feelings for me. I think it’s really attractive when two people can share their feelings with each other. Their actions might say it as well, but it doesn’t mean the words are meaningless. I would understand if you said I don’t feel that way - that’s different. But if you feel it then there are times where it would be really beautiful to hear it. I think you’re an incredible man, and when I’m around you I have a real connection. But that doesn’t mean I can just have that feeling on my own. If you’re scared, tell me why and we’ll talk about it. Or if you don’t feel it, I’d rather you be honest with me about it.”

Key Idea You need to make sure that you come at this from a position of strength. You are not begging him to love you back. You are communicating: this is how I feel, and if you don’t have these feelings too, then I could be gone from your life, because I won’t spend it with a man who doesn’t feel the same way.

Remind him that it’s okay if he doesn’t feel that way, but make it clear that you won’t be around forever either. E.g.

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“If you don’t feel the same way, then tell me. This feeling is only fun if we both have it. If you don’t feel it too, I’m a big girl, I can handle it, and I know I’ll find someone who does feel that so I wouldn’t settle for less.”

If after a month more he still doesn’t say it, you can gradually back away with the knowledge that you made yourself clear. He will now start to feel scared at the possibility of losing you, and think to himself, “Shit, what am I doing?” If he’s been dragging his heels, there’s a much better chance he’ll come around and say he loves you. If he doesn’t, you know that this guy doesn’t really want to invest fully in the relationship and you can put some distance between you, knowing that he isn’t looking for something serious. Have the first conversation, then wait and see what happens. It may be appropriate to have this conversation after three months, six months, or longer, depending on you and your man’s beliefs about how long it takes to decide you love someone. My experience is that if after a year it has still not been broached, there is something bigger at play, whether it’s the way he was raised (which may come up in the conversation) or that he doesn’t want commitment. The second conversation can take place if there has been no progress months after the first conversation. It is there to make clear that you have a standard and won’t be around forever while he decides.

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Key Idea Above all, remember relationships are a process by which you and he get to know each other’s standards for openness and expression. This journey of learning each other’s expectations is not a single conversation. It’s a process.

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Chapter 63 How to Bring Up Marriage People ask me this one all the time. But before we even get into bringing up marriage between the two of you, ask yourself this question: “Is this the man I see myself marrying?” If you don’t, ignore this chapter and come back to it when you actually have someone in front of you that you want to commit to in this way. Here’s the thing: THERE IS NO ‘BRINGING UP’ THE MARRIAGE CONVERSATION. The question of marriage should be an ongoing conversation that you talk about on various occasions. It’s not as though you go along for six months never bringing up the topic and then one day you suddenly have ‘The Marriage Conversation’. In fact, when a man is trying to work out whether you are marriage potential, he’s likely to already be asking questions around the subject. Questions like:

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“Do you believe that monogamy can work over the long term?” “Are you old fashioned when it comes to the way you think of taking care of a family?” “Do you see yourself with kids? How many?” “Do you think sex is important in a long-term relationship?” “Where do you think you would raise a family?”

Regardless of whether he does bring these kinds of subjects up (and if he does, it’s a great opportunity for you to ask the questions back), if marriage is something you see for yourself, it’s something that’s worth making clear throughout your relationship. You should have conversations early on in your relationship to learn his views on marriage so that it’s not a surprise to you what they are, and of course, so that he knows yours. If you’re six months down the line and have no clue what your guy’s thoughts on marriage are, it only shows that you are insecure about the subject. So talk about it! I’m not saying you should put it out there on the first date (but if the conversation goes that way naturally, there’s no rule against knowing what his views are early on!), but usually it will come up after a month, two months, or in some conversation about your future. You can prompt this by asking direct questions, such as:

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“Could you ever see yourself spending your life with someone…?” “Does the idea of marriage appeal to you…?” “Do you see yourself with kids one day?”

Early on, keep conversation focused on the concept of marriage, not the idea of you being married to him. Otherwise it sounds too much like you’re planning a wedding ceremony. You could also say: “I’ve always loved the idea of someone being on this journey with me, where we grow together and travel and have adventures…”

Now you are making it clear to him what your vision is, and he can decide how he feels about it. Later on in the relationship, even joking about the subject can put the idea in his head. For example: “That’s the kind of house we should live in when we’re married” when you see an enormous castle, or “we’d be such a better married couple than those guys…” after you’ve been out with your friends. It’s like seeing a kid throwing a temper tantrum and joking: “Our kids would never do that”. It’s also possible to make marriage a possibility in both of your minds without making it a certainty. If you were watching a travel show on Italy and you fell in love with it as a location, you could say: “If we ever get married can we have our honeymoon in Rome?” Matthew Hussey    359

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By saying “If ” at the beginning of the sentence he gets to answer the question without directly saying that he’s going to marry you. He still gets to indulge the fantasy and marriage becomes a subject fit to talk about instead of a taboo. In more reflective moments in your relationship, you might even be slightly more direct. Let’s say the two of you were on holiday and you saw a couple that were just married walking down the beach together. You might ask in a very relaxed way: “Do you ever see that for us?”

This allows the two of you to have an honest conversation in a very relaxed and positive moment. It’s true that the sooner you know what he thinks on the big subjects of marriage and children, the sooner you know whether you are compatible with this guy in the long-term. After all, the more you communicate, the less surprises there are. Just always be sure to bring it up in a positive, relaxed and strong way. Make sure you listen to his answer and take it for what it is. If the answer is negative, for the love of God don’t fool yourself into thinking you can change his mind. It may just be easier to change the guy instead. Always remember that marriage (and having a family) may be things you really want in the long term, but it’s his job to prove to you he is the right guy to have those things with. There are many things he might do over time that make him wrong for those parts of your future, including showing you that he doesn’t want them! A word on how much pressure to put on a man:

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I don’t need to tell you that pressuring a man into anything in life is a bad idea. It turns him into a ticking time bomb, waiting to explode and wreck the whole thing. If you make a guy feel that there is intense pressure for him to marry you, he’ll likely either run or propose and then resent you for it, which can manifest itself in all sorts of painful ways for your relationship.

So how do you make sure he knows that there is a limit to how long you will wait without making him feel coerced and pressured? You can say: “I know that this is something that is important to me. But it’s so important to me that I know I don’t want it with someone who feels like they have to. So you never have to feel like you have to marry me because I don’t want that. But I know that by a certain point I’ll need to go and find someone that shares this goal with me because I can’t be uncertain about it in a relationship forever. This isn’t something you need to know tomorrow, but it is something you have to think about, and if you decide it’s not for you, I need you to talk to me about it so we can make a decision.”

If after this conversation you still find yourself wondering with too much time having elapsed, simply say to him: “I think it’s best I take some time to think about what I want so that we don’t waste each other’s time. I never want to set some arbitrary date by which you have to marry me. Nothing could be less romantic than that. So rather than do that I think I should take some space from the relationship and figure out what I want to do next.”

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Then you take a few weeks or even months to give each other space. This may sound scary, but for the first time he will be wondering what’s going to happen, instead of you. It shows you are not afraid to go out and get what you want. It’s not a rash decision. You are not about to go and meet someone else tomorrow. But it creates space for him to think, and it allows you to take your personal power back. You may say that this is tantamount to a break up, but it’s more of an intermediary step. You may say it’s too scary to take space from a relationship you love. But you have to ask yourself if this is more scary than spending a life with someone whom you resent for having robbed you of something you really wanted in life. Only you can decide if marriage is an important enough goal to you to make this sacrifice. If you know it is that important to you, and at the end of this period there is no change on his side, let him know that it’s time you move on and see other people. This process will have given him the opportunity to sell himself on marriage and know that there are real consequences to being indecisive, without having been given some immediate and rushed ultimatum. I outline this strategy in more detail in my Keep The Guy video program.

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Final Thoughts So there you have it. It’s taken me a long time to bring all of this advice to one place. A lot of conversations, arguments, flirtations, seductions and relationships had to happen for these scripts to even exist in their now refined form. But I’m very proud with the end result, and I feel even more proud when I think of the gift that you now have for the rest of your life as a result. This isn’t simply an e-book. It is a tool belt, and a powerful one at that. Each phrase is a wonderful device that will reap rewards for you that other people rarely get to experience. When most people stumble across saying these things, it is usually by accident. For you, the rewards of a wonderful relationship will happen because you made them purposeful, with the men you choose, instead of simply those that choose you. Others may think that you are getting the results because of luck, but you will know better. I never meant for this program to be prescriptive in the negative sense. Despite having this knowledge I can assure you that my own relationships and encounters with the opposite sex have been anything but prescriptive. In fact, these tools I have passed onto you have made me freer. Because I have had these phrases, my mind has developed an awareness of why things work. Why certain words produce desired outcomes and others create disaster; why certain phrases induce someone to help you and others create friction; why some ideas develop attraction and others diminish it.

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This awareness allows me to play with the concepts at will, changing them and adapting them to suit different situations, but always keeping the underlying fundamentals in mind. A jazz pianist who decides to freestyle may create magic to the ear, but it is only because he has played the rudiments over and over again that he is able to fully enjoy this freedom. Always remember, it is structure that makes true spontaneity possible, and when spontaneity fails, it is the structure that will provide a safety net you will always be grateful for. Enjoy your new powers my friend!

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Glossary Assumptive Attitude Showing certainty by assuming interest from a guy instead of holding back and doubting. E.g. “Let’s go see a movie this weekend!” In the above example, rather than asking whether they would like to go to the movies you have simply assumed they want to. This certainty most often results in greater attraction. Attraction Formula Refers to the different components necessary for creating lasting attraction: Visual Chemistry, Perceived Value, Perceived Challenge and Connection. Bliss Point The sweet spot between being warm enough to draw someone in and being assertive enough to communicate the standards you expect. It is the right balance of ‘salty’ and ‘sweet’ that keeps someone wanting more of you, even when you are being demanding. Connection In the context of our Attraction Formula, Connection refers to the synergy between two people’s deeper beliefs, ideas and attitudes towards life. They don’t have to be the same, but they do have to compliment each other on some level if two people are to spend Matthew Hussey    365

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lots of time (and indeed their lives) together. In this sense it can be seen as the opposite end of the spectrum to Visual chemistry, which is far more superficial. Disqualification The act of either jokingly or seriously telling a person why they are wrong for you. It could be due to life circumstances or simply clashes in personality traits that mean it wouldn’t or couldn’t work between you. The act of disqualifying someone can have the potent effect of making them want you much more, and want to overcome obstacles to be with you. It can either be used seriously when communicating a standard (i.e. “I could never be with you, you are always late for everything and I hate when people are late”) or playfully when setting up a false obstacle (i.e. “If we weren’t colleagues, we’d be so much trouble for each other”). Embedded Command This is when your language contains an implicit order for someone to do something. It need not be framed aggressively. In fact, embedded commands often work best when given in a playful or mock arrogant way. E.g. “Hey stranger I miss your voice, call me!” Perceived Challenge The extent to which someone sees it as a challenge to earn the right to benefit from your Perceived Value. Value which is given freely without any standards or rules attached often gets taken for granted and results in being valued less. When someone had standards for themselves other people see it as a challenge to live up to their standards, and as a result their Perceived Value increases too. 366     Matthew Hussey

Glossary

Perceived Value The amount of value one is seen as having the potential to bring to any relationship or interaction. It can be measured in lifestyle, connections, the energy one brings to other people, and, most importantly, the unique personality traits they have that make them different from other people (see: Unique Pairings). Personal Standard A standard that you yourself hold to, regardless of what society or other people adopt. It is useful when discussing something a man did that you did not approve of to frame it things in terms of your own personal standard as opposed to condemning his actions for being ‘wrong’ all of the time. In this way it simply becomes a matter of your standard, which is a matter of personal choice for you, as opposed to views of what is right and wrong, which can become very complex. This tends to take personal disputes away from the direction of attack or personal judgement. E.g. “What you are doing right now might be something that is okay for you, but it’s not something I want in my life. If you want to do that, you have to go and do it with a different partner who isn’t me.” Pre-framing a Behavior The act of creating the behavior you want in the future by making it clear in your communication what you like or don’t like, either directly or indirectly. By doing so, you can create a blueprint in a man’s mind for what you want and how to please you, without having to go through all of the mistakes a man inevitably makes when he has no idea of your desires and standards beforehand.

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E.g. “It’s so attractive when a man goes out of his way to plan a date instead of leaving it till the last minute. When you show up to a date and a man knows where he wants to take you it’s really sexy.” Provide and Protect Two of a man’s primal instincts - the desire to protect a woman and the desire to provide for her. Both of these instincts are strongly tied to his ability to see himself as an alpha male. When he is around a woman who makes him feel like he does these things on a high level, not only does it encourage him to do them more, it makes him less likely to want to have these needs satisfied by someone else. Scarcity Showing a guy that something about you is either rare or in short supply. You can demonstrate scarcity by drawing attention to the fact that you have qualities that not many people have. It can also be create by drawing attention to things that you only do for people you have a close connection with, or commitment from. Scarcity can be demonstrated through gestures you only do for certain people, or by showing that your time and/or presence is limited. E.g. “I really have to get back to my friends. We are supposed to be on a girls’ night.” Unique Pairings Two personality traits that are distinctly different but highly complementary to each other - they are often characterised by being difficult to find in the same person. For example, whilst finding someone with a good sense of humor is a positive, it becomes much more powerful when you find someone who not only knows how to make light of a situation, but can also be serious in the right moments. Likewise, when a man finds a woman who can be both feminine and independant, he sees a Unique Pairing. 368     Matthew Hussey

Glossary

Visual Chemistry The simple way to look at this is the physical attraction between two people. Part of this comes from looks, but it can also be influenced by body language, facial expression, someone’s physical energy and use of space.

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