Grief is Not Sacred 9798357972880

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.o ON CONNELY

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DEVEN best friends. He had been the drivor Deven was in a car crash that killed two of his Jon:

Great to begin with you, Deven.

Deven:

Definitely.

Jon:

So, if today we could accomplish something valuable for you..if we

could maybe turn dials on anything you want to be adjusted about the way you automatically feel or think or react to things or the way you have continued to feel, think, or react to any prior experiences, what would we adjust? What should we get done that

would improve the quality of your life significantly? Deven:

Grief, guilt, hatred.

Jon:

So, Iwant just the briefest headlines as we start. Your age and the event.

Do it. Deven:

Twelve years old and raped by the choirmaster at my church.

Jon:

Next.

Deven:

Eighteen-year-old - car accident kills two people.

Jon: Deven:

Jon: Deven:

Jon:

Were you driving? [Nods] Yes. Go on.

Eighteen-year-old gets kicked out of high school due to drug use.

Okay. Keep going.

GRIEF ISNOT Deven:

SACRED o-:

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Twenty-seven-year-old fighting heroin addiction. Fucked up, huh? Great headlines. I'm hiring you.

Deven: Jon:

My

Told you. [Laughter]

demeanor is light, upbeat, and playful. As he experiences connection with me, his mind, thoughts and his mood will mirror

It's delightful to get together with you.

mine.

Jon:

We are going to make something really neat happen.

Deven:

Everybody's been ranting and raving Deven was in "recovery" from about how great you are.

addiction and, hence, had heard from others who had seen me that

Jon:

Shut up, l'm trying to stay humble the meetings had been useful. here. [Laughs] Let me tell you about

one of my very favorite things. It's the garbage disposal unit in my sink. What fun that is! Rice, coffee grounds,

pshhhh, gone just Iike magic. So, Iwas opening this huge green avocado and it's got a pit about as big as your head.

I'm holding it in my hand, and Ilooked at my garbage disposal unit and said, "We could give you a very bad day with this." The point is, if something takes place that is disturbing or emotionally

charged, the brain expands the data and we've got this gigantic avocado pit trying to make its way through my

garbage disposal unit and it jams. I

think that if somebody has led a life

that was peaceful, protected, and

gentle, he's probably still got at least a few avocado pits that are stuck. If

Somebody has lived a more eventful life, like you andI, then clearing what's As I say, "you and I,"l create an been stuck is even more beneficial.

Deven:

Definitely.

Jon:

Beautiful,

So,

I can tell you that,

already and with certainty, your mind is

hard-wired fine. How do Iknow that?

alliance between us.

-o JON CONNELy

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Tbegan very quickly feeling, "Okay, I'm

safe with this guy. He and l are going

to accomplish something and work on a project together. This is a good place for me to be."

Your mind has been stuck trying to process things that are too big to process alone, like trying to shove that avocado pit down the garbage

| believe that

he's

that by telling safe,

We

Someone

may promoting a concern that he's be not safe. Imagine a first date wherethe guy says, "You are very safe me."I don't tell him that he's with safe

with me, but instead that I feel saf with him. That will make him feel safe with me.

disposal unit. It's jammed up and, therefore, there's been intense and painful emotion. Deven:

Exactly!

Jon:

We're going to make you much better. Ihave no doubt about it. Just hang on for the ride.

Humans experience something called preoccupation. Yours has been

difference. I'm also suggesting that

enormous. The whole world will be

this transformation is up to me and

better off as your mind becomes clear. The better off you are, the better it is for everyone else you

that I'm going to be doing it. This is, of course, the opposite of what happens in psychotherapy.

have contact with. The better it is for

them, the better it is for the people they have contact with, and the people they have contact with. So, it's best for

everyone for you to be okay. Deven:

Wow. That makes sense. If you can

help me, it's better for everyone. Iget it. Inever thought of that, but it really does make sense. Jon:

It's normal to feel resentful when somebody has done something

that feels wrong and hurtful, but is it advantageous? Deven:

My experience enables me to be pretty good at predicting whether Iwill be successful. I guess I pick something up very early that made

No.

me believe | could nmake a big

GRIEF IS NOT SACRED o Jon:

How about guilt? Normal?

Deven:

Yes.

Jon:

Useful.

Deven:

Nope.

Jon:

Okay. How about grief? Normal?

Deven:

Yes!

Jon:

Useful?

Deven:

I'm not sure...

Jon:

What's good about it?

Deven:

Isn't it a sign of love?

Jon:

If people feel terrible when they think about you, does that make you feel loved?

Deven:

No, of course not. Idon't want that.

Jon:

Grief makes people feel bad when they think of other people.

Deven:

I never realized that, but it makes sense.

Jon:

Normal people think that people feel emotions because of things that

happened to them. I gave up on being normal along time ago. Let's instead think that our own mninds cause us to

be

feeling whatever we are feeling. Would you think that way with me?

Deven: Jon:

Yes, it makes sense. The

way your mind has been processing and reading data has

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JON CONNELY been causing emotional turmoil. It's normal to feel bad after being raped. I's even normal to feel bad for a long time. Of course, it's normal but it's not

good. Idon't want people to feel bad even if they have been raped. Do you? Deven:

No, of course not.

Jon:

Is it all right then if we replace normal

with optimal if that would be best for the whole world?

Deven:

Why not? Of course, it's all right.

Jon:

I'm seeing what, at the highest level, is intended for you. That's what would be best for the whole world. Im

seeing you as clear-minded and present where your wonderful gifts intelligence, creativity, writing skilI, and humor - have become an asset to the whole world. Deven:

That would be wonderful.

Jon:

What animal could inspire you?

Deven:

Definitely a lion.

Jon:

Beautiful. Zero preoccupation.

Deven:

Definitely.

Jon:

Our energy is coming together. When energy comes together, it expands.

There's a huge pile of old newspapers; they're in the way, they're no good. This girl has a big magnifying glass and uses it to focus the power of sunlight. They catch fire, they're burning, they're

gone. The wind scatters the ashes.

SACRED o GRIEF IS NOT

Qur energy expands as we join our intention together. Our energy destroys guilt, grief, and hatred. We are going to do this. Do you hear me? Will you join me? Are you

81

am really pulling him into this

with me as I ask him the last three

questions.

with me? Deven:

Jon: Deven:

Jon:

Deven:

Oh, my God, yes.

Are you ready? lam.

Close your eyes. I'm going to count from five to one. Five, four, three, two, one. Now open your eyes. Tell me everything you felt. I see what I've done. Isee their faces, I see their eyes. Ikilled them. Ikilled my two best friends. They have to

hate me. Ihate myself. Jon:

Yes, yes, yes! That's it! That's exactly what there is to clear. Yes. [l hold out my hands, palms up.] Put your hands on top of mine, half an inch away.

Look between your hands. They're beginning to shake. It's increasing. There's the energy, there's the lion. The energy promotes what you and Iintend, and we intend what's best for the whole world - all the

people, all the animals, all the

plants, everything, everyone. [His hands are trembling.] You can't hold

your hands still; they're shaking even more. Energy. Your hands, your arms,

your head, everything. Everything is okay. Your friends are okay. You're Okay. There's energy, there's love. The lion is running. There's aburst of light. It's over. You're free.

Once again, Iam pulling him in.

-o JON CONNELLY

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Deven:

Oh, my God! What the fuck?! My God! i It's gone! The weight has lifted off my chest. I saw my friends. I love them so much and they love me. Oh, my God!

Jon:

What about that guy that raped you?

From a place of enlightened clarity,

Deven:

nothing that has happened could have not happened. Because he Should you have driven more carefully? responded so strongly and was drawn into that clarity, he realizes that. The question Il asked about Nothing could have been different. whether he should have driven

Jon:

We're done.

whether or not I gotdone what Ihad intended. Iwas pleased with his

Deven:

Oh, my God! Thank you!

response.

Deven: Jon:

Who cares? [Laughing]

more carefully was a check to see

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DIDI

ot met with me as she had Tound thne buld-up to the anniversary of her son's suicide difficult. afollow-up meeting, the guit sne relt was addressed and there was a connection with her SOn.

Jon:

Didi:

What should Iknow in. order to be of

value to you?

I've recently had the sixth anniversary of the death of my son, Zake, to

suicide.

The build-up to that each

year, it's like, I just don't function. I had flashbacks of traumatic incidences that happened around him. A lot of

crying, just not functioning. Guilt and I wish things had been different - if only Ihad done things differently. Yeah, I guess, in general, not functioning, not showing up to things I normally would. It just impacts my life in that way.

Jon:

I'm delighted to be able to be with you, Itell her that I'm delighted to be with Didi, and | have a sense that we're her instead of empathizing with her going to make a real difference. I'm pain. I bring her into the present excited to be collaborating with you to with me. I reference that we are

cause that to happen. Our

minds

read

collaborating, which is designed to put us on equal footing. I mention

information, that our collaboration is designed respond to information and even to cause something of value to create information. Our minds are happen. I never say that she's going

complicated, complex, advanced and to be working on herself or that I will

significantly dysfunctional. Although be working. There's a significant we can create things that no other life difference

Torm could even concejve of, we also have emotional and behavioral issues

in completely different ways at the

similarities between two dates that are,

In fact, years apart or even decades apart.

Didi:

Inever realized in that way before.

suggesting

as opposed to it being caused to

that don't trouble any other life form. happen. Human mind isn't fully integrated. Mind can be processing information same time. In addition, human mind, when faced withathreat, can process information in ways that no other life form can. An example is to see

between

that something can be wWorked on

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84

Jon:

What you said is, "The anniversary But there was no death and there is no

of his death is approaching."

anniversary. Everything is energy. Everyone is energy. Energy can

never be destroyed.

Death

is

not a useful or accurate concept.

Anniversaries of things that were

accomplished or enjoyed may inspire us, but the concept of anniversary has

been anything but inspirational to you.

Picture a rock. A rock is an object. Anniversary is not an object; it's not a thing. It's a concept without substance. And, in this case, not only does it have no substance, but it also has no value.

Didi: Jon:

Didi:

Jon:

I get it now.

Your mind receives what I say. ItThave cognitively taken power from just seeps in. t's like watering a concepts like death and anniversary plant. AII that's of value sinks into of death. look to bring this into her the roots. From the roots, it rises up unconscious by creating metaphors through the stem and even to the and using language that is likely edge of each leaf. to elicit a senSory response that both affirms what I have said and

Ifeel softer. People are within their bodies for a certain period of time. Nobody knows how long that will be. The individual

doesn't stop.

soothes. And, hence, she mentions feeling softer.

Rather, there's a

transition in howenergy is manifesting.

Our senses are never telling us the : Mv intention is to eliminate ne actuality of what is. What appears concept and the experience of loSS to be solid is really energy. What and the pain that it causes. appears to be still has always been in motion. You know now have known before that and you can never disappear. You energy will never disappear. You will never be The destroyed. can never be energy that is Zake destroyed. Our senses are far from perfect. You moving as still. You are saw what's Zake is happening.

happening.

GRIEF IS NOT SACRED o Didi:

Jon:

85

Zake is energy. I'm happening and he's happening, too.

Exactly. Energy doesn't stop when ice Cube melts. It just transitions. When water evaporates, it transitions.

Didi:

Solid, liquid, gas.

Jon:

The sun is happening. Zake is happening. Your grief, like fog, had blocked your vision.

Didi:

I've had

a sense that it could have

been different.

Jon:

Would that have been better for him?

Didi:

True, true, true. Things might not have been better.

Jon:

Nothing could have been different.

Didi:

No.

Jon:

Science

teaches

that

there's

a

cause for everything. Everything that happened was caused to happen. So,

nothing could have not happened. I

WOuldn't have to explain that to you if

youwere a tree. Didi:

[Laughter]

Jon:

No other life form thinks anything could have been different.

Didi:

Because it can't change anything.

Jon:

Nothing that has happened needs to be changed.

There is possibility.

no

necessity

Nothing could have been different because it was caused to happen as it did, not because it can't now

be changed, but Ididn't feel it was necessary to dispute her statement. without ljust, again, stated it as I would like

lady is trying to give a calendar to a A beautiful dove. The dove says, "Lady, I'm busy being a dove here. I don't know what the hell that thing is, and have no interest in it. It doesn't seem

her to think.

jON CONNELLY

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Why would to be working out for you.

want one?"

Didi:

Jon:

Didi:

are just Where l'm at now is things happened as they as they are, just make sense? happened. Does that me. Would it Makes total sense to

killed by a have been better if he got stray bulet? but something Iwould have said yes, course it wouldn't just clicked. No, of have been better or worse.

The transition was what it was and then It'ss not unusual for humansto believe Jon:

that's done. Here we are. This guilt has that things that aren't possible need

been coming because your mind nas to happen. lo belleve that you need

been attempting to get youto do things to do Something that can't be done causes disturbance and turmoi!. differently prior to his passing. Thats a wacko idea. It's like saying, "If Ileave

to it right now, Icould get there priorbelief invisible happening." That is the that fueled the terrible guilt. Your mind wasn't trying to hurt you. It was trying

has no to get you to do something that possibility. Why? Because that's what you wished, and your unconscious mind mistakenly assumed that if it can be wished for, then it can be

accomplished. Didi:

Yeah.

Jon:

Without that incorrect idea, where

would the guilt be? Didi:

It wouldn't exist.

Jon:

Check for the guilt.

Didi:

It's like my brain's going a million miles Idisaaree. Idon't believe that sne 5

Jon:

at the moment when I check in. It's fighting against it. | believe id mind has like l'm arguing against it. It's like ljustshe's reporting that her into total want to fight against it. not yet fully transitioned acceptance. What keeps the bowling ball rolling toward

the

pins

after

it's

been

released? Why doesn't it just stop? Inertia. It's moving because it's been

GRIEF

SACRED IS NOT

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moving. Beliefs are like bowling balls in that way. But it's possible to make a

bowling ball stop rolling. Didi: Jon:

Like it's possible to stop that belief. So, check for it now.

Didi:

The sense I'm getting is a sense of

Jon:

So, if you take your hands like I have mine, then you can look at this space

clearness. It doesn't feel so muddy now. It's easier. Ifeel like I understand.

in between them.

You'll notice, as you try to focus on

space in between the hands, that it's

challenging. You tend to look through space. So, as you try to look at it,

you're often finding that you're looking through it.

As you're looking through this space, Inow say many wWords. She will not you'll begin to notice with your be able to disagree, nor will she peripheral vision that you can sense be able to completely follow. Her movements that are already beginning logic-driven conscious mind will

through both of your hands and that understand that nothing needs to be there are not movements that you're disagreed with, but it's complicated causing. to attempt to consciously follow it.

Conscious mind is Ilikely to give up. It

And then, you can see that, as | said :then rests sSo that the communication

that, they not only continued, but is received and responded to by her increased. You can see that, as Isaid unconscious mind as intended. that, they increased even more. And So, it's interesting that your hands are moving and moving more and more and more. It's interesting. But as you see hands moving, as you try to look at the air that's in between

the hands, you might begin to feel that it's so hard to try looking at air in

between moving hands, that eyes, on

their own, want to rest. And as your eyes rest closed, you can't see your hands, but you know exactly where they are - not because you can see it, but because you can sense it. You can sense it because you can feel it.

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You can feel it because of sensation.

Sensation is a manifestation of energy. And you might be able to realize that,

not only do you know where your hands are, but you are aware that your hands are moving and moving more and more and more.

Movement increases.

increases Movement

as

energy

energy.

We have energy moving with the

energy of my intention, the energy of

your intention, the energy of Zake's intention. We all intend what's best for the world and, therefore, what's

best for you. Zake, you, and Iare

passionately energized toward

what we intend. l'm intending it. You're intending it. He's intending it. Those three sources of energy come together, just the way that the energy is moving your hands more and more and more and

more because energy combines with energy combines with energy and the energy intensifies and the hands move even more. The hands move even more.

And in a moment, you'll hear a You'll notice that the hands begin,snap. as they're moving, to move in a particular direction and that they're drawn in closer toward each other. And then it and then it more and then it happens. happens

happens more

Yeah, there it is. There it is.

that's happening, hands areAnd while moving and jumping and jerking in ways that are impossible to consciously cause, opening your beautiful mind to provide you with an

enlightening of failure that experience will open the door to

cleansing, shifting, and possibility, The transformation. door is open, and you move into the light of clarity, the energy of connection and the peace, love,

SACRED o GRIEF ISNOT

89

excitement as your hands move, as

you try to hold them still. So, go ahead and enjoy failure as you try with all your might to hold energy still. It can't be done. Success is assured. This

lovely transition is underway. It's so

good. Nothing can stop it.

The energy is playing with you. Look at The movement she can see and

that. It plays with you. There it goes. It's feel indicates inner transformation. like, "Okay, go ahead. Try." It's alright.

You can't not do it because you're not

doing it. I's your mind, not you. Those are your hands. There it's going, "Ha ha. That's okay." And there it goes.

And as that's going on, all the things I've said and all the things I haven't

said and all the things that he says to you, Isay to you and the facet of your mind that has the real clarityy and

wisdom because it sees the correct map, all says it tO you so that...Clear. And then, so much has happened from the top down and the bottom up.,

from the left to the right, the right to the left. So much has happened that it's already time for you to simply take your own time. That's it. It's time for you to take your own time.

And then, when you take your time and your own sweet time, you find that

eventually, maybe sooner than later, but maybe later rather than sooner, later than sooner, sooner than later. Ask a pine tree which is best. Sooner than later? Later than sooner? Or sunlight, chlorophyll and those amazing pine

Cones? And then eyes finally can open. Here we are. And where does all

of that have you? Didi:

Jon: Didi:

Almost blissful.

Yes.

Light.

JON CONNELLY

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Jon:

Yeah. And so, picture Zake and tell me what you see. What's he look like?

Didi:

Energy.

Jon:

Yes. Beautiful.

Didi:

Like he's the ball of energy.

Jon:

Yes. Any guilt?

Didi:

Ifeel like ldon't have time for that now. It's like what? What? Yeah.

Jon:

There's some things to do that will

have mnore value for him and you in

the world. And that's so much better

for him because it used to be, "When

Ithink of you, my son, I feel so guilty."

And he would say, "I love you, too,

Mom. When Ithink of you, Ijust feel

like crap. Didi:

Yeah.

Jon:

Yousay, "Oh, Ifeel even worse when I think of you." Now, you have a different conversation. Who wants to have that conversation?

Didi:

Yeah, yeah.

Jon:

There you go.

Didi:

Well.

Jon:

Okay, my friend. I think that's what there was for us to get done today.

Didi:

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Jon:

Oh, it was my pleasure.

GRIEF ISNOT SACREDO

91

FOLLOW UP Didiireturnedfor a follow up meeting where we addressed her sense of guilt and she connected with her son, Jon:

Zake.

Hello, Didi. Iwanted to catch up with

you. want to know how the meeting that you and I had left you. How did all that work out for you?

Didi:

Yes, that worked out marvelous. Ithink,

on some level, the prOof will be next year when the next anniversary comes up. However, Ido notice in the suicide loss peer support group that | run, when people mention anniversaries,

it's almost like Isee it in a different way now. So, there's less of a charge or less of an importance. Jon:

And when you think about Zake now,

what happens? Didi:

There are still feelings when Ithink of

Zake. Ican kind of push it aside, but it stillfeels like oceans of pain are there. Jon:

When you look at it, you look at what? Frequently, What specifically is it?

understand

people look to others by putting

themselves in the same situation Didi: Jon:

The fact that he's not here anymore.

in order to realize how they would feel. That then gets applied to the Tell me something that Zake did thatË other person. I don't think that the best way for me to understand was annoying. someone else is by understanding

Didi:

Sometimes, he would want to chat with myself. Ithink it is by understanding me and l'd be busy doing something them. I want to knowjust what Didi

else. And it'd be like, "Zake! Just give is experiencing that's been causing

me half an hour to finish this and the pain. then 'Il be fully focused on you." And

T'd be doing my work and he'd keep interrupting me, and we'd laugh about

it. But yeah, I guess that was kind of

annoying.

But that touches on something that I felt guilty about because that

happened in the last few days before he left, and I was busy and focused. So, Isot of linked that one up a little bit i

-o JON CONNELIY

92

with Iwasn't present enough for him,

but that was something he did that was annoying, too.

Jon:

Well, we got to real useful things there. So, can you feel the guilt you just described right now?

Didi:

Yeah, I have this thing almost like a performance anxiety when I'm in a situation like this. It's almost like it's

harder to access things. Jon:

There's no performance you need to do.

Just talk back and forth with me

and it isn't a performance.

So, the question is, haven't you been

feeling guilty about not paying attention to him that, even though he told you he

was going to die, and you just didn't want to give him a moment... Didi:

[Laughter] No, Ididn't know that at that point.

Jon:

Oh, he didn't tellyou then?

Didi:

Not at that point, no.

Jon:

Imagine a world where all of us acted whenever we would say goodbye to anyone as if they were going to die and it would be the last visit. Imagine that

world. So, I end aclass and everybody cries and hugs and complements each other. Everybody who parts from anybody wants to give them a hug first and talk about their love. Would you like the world like that? To me, it

sounds really yucky. Didi: Jon:

It's a bit ridiculous. Yes.

So, there is a certain emotion that might get drawn from me if | had a sense that l'm talking with someone for the very last time. But | wouldn't even find that valuable if l was talking

to somebody for the last time. I'd rather

O... GRIEF IS NOT SACRED

93

it be natural and as it had been, not all gooey, sticky, emotional and weird. | love you more...You know? I don't want to say goodbye to you that way.

Every time, I like, "See you later." And would you like relationships where people who meet with you are very careful? Would you like us to be really careful when we talk tO you and very careful what we say to you and make

sure that we're giving you really deep attention carefully? It would be kind of yucky. Wouldn't it? So, "See you later i and I reeeeaaaally love you." "Oh, well. Thank you! Ilove you, too." "But I

reeeaaally.." Would youwant that? Didi:

No.

Jon:

He sure doesn't.

Isense Zake and check in with him.

Ithen report and add his input to the At that point, if he had to do it over, l conversation Iam having with Didi. don't think he would shift either him or i youat that moment because it was real

and it was loving, but it wasn't gooey. I think that's much more the way you are, Didi. Ithink you are loving, but Idon't See you as just excessively gooey. You know some people who are? Didi:

A little bit, yeah.

Jon:

Notice you don't know them too well.

Why not? Because you're not really Because Didi feels guilt about not

putting that in your profile. They're being more present and loving tor looking for people that are really Zake, I equate being overly loving gooey, excessively emotional, deeply with being gooey. In this way, what

clingy. Highly apologeticand incredibly she thought she was supposed to

complimentary. You know? I mean, have done becomes unappealing to her and I also suggest that it would imagine who answers that ad.

definitely be unappealing to Zake.

So, now the regret is different. Imean,

the regret, the guilt on that one isn't there. Check for it.

Didi:

Still, Iwish Ihad done things differently. Iknow Ican't change that. I know |

can't change what's happened in the past. I know that.

jON CONNELLY

94

Jon:

And it's good to know that, Didi. Also,

it's good to know that it's not okay

| make wishing unappealing by

to wish. You remember that song? likening it to what would| be "When you wish upon a star...Doesn't to a wooden puppet in a matter..."" What character sang that drama. song?

chiplledasiren'ngs

Didi: Jon:

Oh! Was it Pinocchio?

Ithinkitcould have been from Pinocchio because he

wished, then he became

a real boy. Yeah. So, I'm picturing somebody singing, "When you wish upon a star.." and then I'm thinking of somebody, like, going overhead with a plane and shooting a missile at it as that is one gooey fricking song. You know?

And Ithink it's appropriate ifyou want to have an overly emotional four-year old, but it's not what | want to hear

when Igo to the movies. I want to hear

people be strategic and pushy and edgy, not "doesn't matter who you

are..." It's not anything interesting or desirable. Wishing is yucky and it's useless. And it's yucky and useless when it's about the future. And it's all

that blended with one cup of castor oil

and one cup of chocolate. If it's about the past, Imean, it's way yucky. "When

I wish upon a star. Doesn't matter who Iwas..." You know, even they didn't push it to that level. Can you feel a

little anger towards Zake? Didi:

I've never really felt anger because l've felt Iunderstood why he did what he did.

Jon:

Did you ever feel angry? When he was 12, 14?

Didi:

Yes.

Jon:

Yeah, I think feeling angry and expressing it is useful for relationships. Don't you? Imean, can you imagine? One without it sort of lacks depth and i

GRIEF IS NOT SACRED O... definition. So, if you were angry, what would you say? "T'm angry?" Or wOuld you say, ">'m annoyed?" Or would you say, "You're really pissing me off?"

What would you say? Didi:

I'm angry or I'm frustrated.

Jon:

Yeah, well frustrated is anger in a veil.

Didi:

Okay.

Jon:

So, how about just say, "Im really angry."

Didi:

I'm really angry.

Jon:

And then say, "I'm really angry at you."

Didi:

I'm really angry at you.

Jon:

And then say, "'m really angry at yOu, Zake."

Didi:

I'm really angry at you, Zake.

Jon:

And then listen, because where he is now is very clear and very present. What do you get back from him? Is he

saying, "No. It is your fault?" Didi:

Jon:

[Laughter] l just feel love. What do you hear him say? It doesn'tË

matter if you're imagining it. Just believe that you're communicating with him. Ibelieve you are, and that's how

tobegin the conversation. So, say, "I'm angry at you." Say it to him.

Didi:

Jon:

I'm angry at you. Yeah, andthen, "So, you really did it this time."

Didi:

Yeah, you did. You really did it this

time.

Jon:

Say, "I'm really angry at you.

95

|ON CONNELLY

96

Didi:

But I'm not feeling it as l'm saying it.

Jon:

Just say, "You really did it this time."

Didi:

You really did it this time.

Jon:

Then say, "You really screwed up."

Didi: Jon:

Didi had to eliminate the

onng theexpressi sensi that

of anger because of of Zake's fragility. Now

no longer fragile, she can he's let him have it. And with that.really the experience of her with him becomes much richer. I don' You really screwed up. want her to miss how it was or Good job. So, that's natural. That's it had been different. intend for wish her

relationship

authentic. Tell him that. "So, you really to experience that it is better than screwed up." Didi:

You really screwed up.

Jon:

And now, what do you sense from

it's ever been.

him? Didi:

Is as it is.

Jon:

He agrees.

Didi:

Jon:

Idon't know how to explain it, but Ijust feel a sense that it is as it is.

That's what he does feel. What if you said it to an owl? "You really screwed up yesterday." What's he going to say?

Whoo? [Laughter]

Jon:

Hey, right! Whoo! And he'll be at ease. And Zake is at ease even as you say

that. And what else might you tell him? The wishes. I wish things had been different. Iwish he had been clearer in his communication. Jon:

wishes, which are Sharing dysfunctional, is probably not the best way to connect with anyone. I don't

even think it's useful to share them

with yourself. So, share something other than a wish. Tell him something youdid that was interesting. Didi:

hearing

Zake

as

the

enlightened being that he has

Didi:

Didi:

She's

He would love that I'm training in counseling.

become.

GRIEF IS NOT Jon:

Didi:

Jon: Didi:

Jon:

SACRED o 97

Yes. So, tell him something about that.: Talk to him and tell him, "I'm learning some..." What? Stupid stuff, good stuff, old stuff? What would you say? I'm learning this stuff that...Do Isay it to you or to Zake?

Well, he's a "you".

Yeah, I'm learning some stuff that you would really love. Beautiful. And what do you feel back from him on that?

Didi:

A bit like a fist pump. Like, "Cool!"

Jon:

Nice. So, | think that it would be

lovely to communicate much more

frequently with Zake. Talk to him, and really be open to be critical.

Here's why. We grow up being taught that if you're good, things will go well and you'll feel good. And so, we then

have learned that if we don't feel good, it's our fault or somebody else's. And so, a real communication will not

be walking with such fragility, but like

saying that and connecting in that way. And you, you can connect with him.

He's very much there. I mean, he's not less there. He's not almost there.

It's not his memory that is there. It's

not

a shadow of him. He is there.

He's there. He's there. He's there. However, your senses weren't showing you that yet.

And what your senses show you isn't ever correct. It shows you that the

earth is flat, it shows you that the earth is still, it shows you that when water boils it disappears, which is impossible. See, it doesn't show you what's going on. It doesn't show you that the Earth

is spinning. It doesn't show you that that table is made up of particles that are like energy moving through space.

.o JON CONNELY

98

going on. It doesn't show you what's accurate be So, it would certainly not in. bringing to be trusting what you're world, Well, as we look through the an old it's as if we're looking throughjust not It's lens. and defective camera However, there as it shows up today. stuckness you're rising above that that. and you can lift from

to him One way to do that is talk and he doesn't want you talking to him carefully or yucky kind of sweet He sugary, oily. He doesn't want that. wants you to talk to him and say, "Hey, I'm learning some great stuff. You

could have gone to class with me if youhadn't been such an asshole." You know, he'd like to hear that. And he'll

say back, "Yeah, Mom. I pretty much

messed things up for us there and that was a big speed bump for you."

But he's okay. Ican't directly influence what comes to mind, but what | do

have more say over is how lrespond to it - maybe not immediate control over it, but certainly more influence. l'd like you to intend to respond when you notice wishing by dropping it as something that isn't useful. Zake

doesn't like it. Clarity doesn't like it. It's a dysfunctional thing. And move from the wishing to the actual connector. Connect with him right now like I am. Connect with him with me and

that's what happens. Do you sense that? Didi:

Yes, I do.

Jon:

What's that like?

Didi:

Idon't know how to describe a feeling connection, but I feel connected

of

like he's actually with us. Jon:

Say, "I feel

connected."

CRIEF IS NOT

SACRED o

Ifeel connected. Didi: Jon:

Didi:

Sav. "1 feel connected and he is

actually with me." Ifeel connected and he's actually with me.

Jon:

There it is. Say it again. " feel Connected."

Didi:

Ifeel connected.

Jon:

"He's with me."

Didi:

He's with me.

Jon:

Yeah. And you can do that and then

that's good for him and good for the world. Make sense? Didi: Jon:

Yes, it actually does. Beautiful. So, if you kind of check

within, you'll notice that there's been a shift. Check for it. Didi:

Ican feel it. Idon't have to check for it. It's a strange sensation, but l feel it.

Jon:

That's lovely. So, yay! Wel, it was amazing to get to catch up with you

tonight. Didi:

Thank you. Client Comment

Since meeting with Jon, the thought of "anniversary" seems so alien to me, just

like acalendar

to a dove. It's just another day. I knew that intellectually, but

now it feels like it is solid within me. Ido feel that a shift happened and it still feels wondrous when Ithink about it. It really felt like Jon and Ihada conversation with my son, and the experience of that was somehow spiritual. Irealy enjoyed our time together. (And I think Zake did too!)

99

JON CONNELLY

100

ELEANOR of an Eleanor came to see me because, several years after her son died that she was still Continued to remain homebound and anxious. Eleanor stated and stuck as herself described She unable to move onto discuss her son's death with anyone.

overdose, she unable

with her life. Jon:

It's good to meet with you, Eleanor. Tell me what there is for us to address.

Eleanor:

My son died a few years ago and l

didn't go back to work after that. Il still haven't. lhave a lot of anxiety. Idon't like to be around other people. Idon't like people to ask me anything. I'm just stuck. I can't move on.

Jon:

Iunderstand. What's your son's name?

Eleanor:

Chris.

Jon:

Tell me about Chris.

Eleanor:

the experience of connection by speaking of her son in present Talking about him is tough. He was rather than past tense. very intelligent. From the time he was little, we always kind of butted heads because l've tried to say to him, "Hey, how was school?" and he'd wanted to talk about the moon and the stars. We

just never quite connected because | didn't understand him. Ireally didn't. My brain hurt when he would talk

because he was just so smart. And he also had issues because his father

wasn't around. So, he ended up getting into drugs. And now, looking back, he

died at 26, right after his 26th birthday, and I'm stuck with, "If | could have done this, or Ishould have done that." I wish Icould do it over and I know I can't, but I don't know how to move on. Jon:

Eleanor:

Grief is caused because the mind is looking to cause connection with the loved person in a way that has not worked. Ibegin to create

Tellme what happened with Chris? He caused his death.

He OD'd on

fentanyl and heroin. He had never

done that before. He smoked pot, did everything else. But I kind of had a feeling it was coming because he was homeless, and he just kept going

GRIEFIS

Jon:

Eleanor:

NOTSACRED o-.

101

downhill. There was just no pulling him t is normal for people to think about out of it. So, I had to sit back and watch: what they could have done to have it - which was terrible. ljust feel like | caused things to be different. I don't achard as Icould, butl couldn't believe that thinking about what fix it. could have happened that could have made things different has any Well, that's true. value. But it's not at all uncommon for people to be caught in this kind Iwas his only parent and Ijust feel like Ëof thought loop. I will address it |failed. (Starting to cry] by doing what Ican to cause the

understanding that nothing could or

should have been any different than it was.

Jon:

What part is it that has been hurting People generaly look to understand you the most? other people by considering how

Eleanor:

they would feel in a similar situation. That he was in pain. Ithink that a lot/don't believe this is a good way to about him, that he was in pain all theunderstand others. I believe I will

time - mentally. AndIfeel like... just... understand others better by looking couldn't fix him. Jon:

to understand them rather than

looking to understand myself and No, you certainly weren't able to do then applying that to them because

anything other than what you did. we may experience the same event

Therefore, you did everything thatË very ditferently. Therefore, here, I'm there was to do.

not thinking that would be terrible if

that happened to me. So, Iclariy by asking her what would normally be

considered a dumb question. Eleanor:

lIt just keeps going, "If Iwould have There's been self-blame and guilt

turned right instead of left' and "If that's been trying to put a stop to Iwould have just maybe done this what happened. Her mind reviews

instead of that." And then, Iget stuck in situations looking for places where my head.

she could make it different. The

attempt to cause it to have been

different doesnt cause anything to be diferent. It just results in turmoil

and emotional pain.

Jon:

So, the thing that's been causing the Sometimes

hurt is the thought that you should advantageous

be it would to demonstrate

nave done different things than vOu understanding of what someone has said, what they think, and what they believe. The challenge for the practitioner is to do that when he disagrees with the thought that he's attempting to demonstrate

did. Am Iright on that?

JON CONNELLY

102

understanding of. In that we might say to the participant, "Yo have the thought that..." rather than just agreeing with the

situation,

statement.tho This is called a wedge. It reduces thought to something the participant has rather than something the

participant is. In this case, there's been a thought that she is a failure

Using a wedge protects her identiy

while acknowledging that the ideal feeling has been. We often combine

wedge with invisible tense change.

which would be, "You've had the

thought... "Putting the thought in the past further weakens it. Although repeating back in this way is not fully demonstrating understanding

of what was said, it's unlikely

that the participant will notice the deviation from the way she's been thinking. It's more likely that she will agree and think, "Yes. I do have that thought or have had that thought." Eleanor:

Yes.

Jon:

Do you believe that you could have

Eleanor:

No.

Jon:

The things that occur to us cause the

Eleanor: Jon:

had different thoughts occur to you?

actions that we take.

Ithink Iunderstand what you're saying. Could you have caused other thoughts to have occurred to you?

Eleanor:

No.

Jon:

Would you agree that things that people do happen because of those

things that occur to them? Eleanor:

Yes.

Jon:

Well, do you believe that people could have done things that didn't occur to them?

GRIEF IS NOT SACRED .. Eleanor:

103

No, you can't do something if it doesn't occur to you. Of course not. It has to OCcur to you to do it.

Jon:

Good job, Eleanor! Good job!

Eleanor:

Thanks.

Jon:

That's great. So, as you made your way through life, weren't those things that you did things that came to mind? And they seemed, at the moment, to be what there was to do?

Eleanor:

Yes.

Jon:

And you understand that you couldn't have caused other things to come to mind?

Eleanor:

Correct.

Jon:

What came to your mind was based on what? Things came to mind based on the sum of your life experiences. And

you, then, did the things that came to mind that made sense at that moment. Am Icorrect?

Eleanor:

Yeah, I understand what you're saying.

Absolutely. Jon:

ljust want to followyou. So, could you have done anythingelse?

Eleanor:

No, Idid the bestIcould.

The whole concept of doing your

Jon:

Could it have been any different?

Eleanor:

best is grounded in moralistic thought, best/worst. When she says, " did my best," I don't love that, but

Sure.

Jon:

How could you have done it differently? Ididn't like for her to be saying this,

Eleanor:

but I didn't point this out to her. Ijust Oh, I could have been...If Iwould have kept going. been with somebody else...l mean...

Jon:

Ican't challenge everything she's

said. Ihave to select what Il address.

You would have been...How would that have happened? Would that have made you able to have had to do things

differently?

-o jON CONNELLY

104

Eleanor:

Yes.

Jon:

And for that to happen, wouldn't other things have had to come to mind?

Eleanor:

Yes.

Jon:

And did they?

Eleanor:

No.

Jon:

And every time you did anything, you

Eleanor:

Yes.

Jon:

did what came to mind to do at that moment?

Even if there seemed to be three

choices, the one that you did was the one that came to mind to do?

Eleanor:

Absolutely, yeah.

Jon:

So then, just a moment ago, you

said you definitely could have done it differently and I'm confused. Could you have done it in a different way than the way that it came to you to do it?

Eleanor:

Jon:

that No. But knowing what I know now, I People are used to thinkingshould things could have and would do it differently. have happened differently. Often

You mean Ican now win last week's this comes with hindsight - whiCI lotto?? Idon't follow you. It doesn't is information after the fact.

have anything to do with knowing what People learn from

what they

you know now. You can't know what have experienced and nOW navo

that wouio you don't yet know. Could you then additional informationactions. They lead them to different have done it any different way? look back on things with what they

Eleanor: Jon:

as if they now knOw, and they feel now should have applied what they then You're bright and you quickly know to what was happening This fuels understand. This makes it they knew it). No.

easy (before

to converse with you and reach much emotional distresS. understanding

because

you're

intelligent and you follow along. There isn't anything you could have

done any differently with Chris. Was

there?

GRIEF IS NOT

SACRED o

Eleanor:

No.

Jon:

Imean, if we look at it emotionally, we can come up with all kinds of things that don't have any logic because

emotion can defeat logic. That's why it's hard to reason with somebody

who's enraged. In fact, it's hardly worth it. Is it? Emotion defeats logic. But now, as you're here with me and

you look with clarity, could you have done any of it any differently? Eleanor: Jon:

Eleanor:

Jon:

No.

No one could have done anything any

differently. Get it?

Wow! That's really deep. You sound like my son! I've got what his thoughts are on this. But let's imaginea redwood tree. Have you ever seen one?

Eleanor:

Ihave.

Jon:

They're quite beautiful, aren't they?

Eleanor:

They are.

Jon:

Do they ever think that things should have been different than they were?

Eleanor:

No.

Jon:

Okay. How about a sunflower? Does it ever think that things should have been different?

Eleanor:

No.

Jon:

How about a grizzly bear?

Eleanor:

No.

Jon:

Well, they're right. They're holding

their own, and they're living okay. They don't think that anything could have been any different than it was.

105

jON CONNELLY

106

Eleanor:

Interesting.

Jon:

persuasion i. you look at a bird in the sky, One method of So, is it if thinking that things could have suggest that others have thought been different? No. So, the belief that this way or that others are acting this way. "Can we clean your things could have been different is

experienced only by humans.

sidewalk? Everybody else the block is having it done. "

on I'm

suggesting that all other life forms matter and they aren't doing this I'm suggesting that humans are the only creatures that do it, and that i's due to a dysfunction in processing information.

She is having a realization that this

Eleanor:

Then how do Ishut it off?

Jon:

turmoil and other life forms don't I'l show you. Could you have done experience these thoughts. The anything different in terms of Chris? thoughts are causing the problem,

Eleanor:

thought process has been causing

and the thoughts have no advantage. She is finally understanding this,

No.

Jon:

which is a big deal for her to really Could Chris have done anything get it that these thoughts arent different? serving her.

Eleanor:

No.

Jon:

So, you got that.

Let's do it again.

Could Chris have done anything different? Eleanor: Jon:

No. He was who he was.

Yeah.So, he couldn't have done it any

different than he did it.

Could he? If

|say to you, "Well, then, should he

have done it different?" You might say to me that "a should would require a could,."

Eleanor:

Yes. I agree.

Jon:

And we can't have a should without a Could.

Eleanor:

Sure.

Jon:

If something happened, it couldn't

have not happened. Am Iright?

GRIEF IS NOT Eleanor: Jon:

SACRED o

You are.

Do vou believe things should have I'm checking for happened even if they were not possible?

Eleanor:

No.

Jon:

Okay. Then, is there anything that ever happened that shouldn't have?

Eleanor:

No.

Jon:

anything that did happen to not have happened. Anything. Think of a leaf

Good. So, it wasn't possible for that you see fall from a tree and land on the lawn. Could it have not fallen?

Could it have fallen a minute earlier? Eleanor: Jon:

107

No. But should it have?

Eleanor:

Nope.

Jon:

It doesn't matter whether it was

advantageous or disadvantageous.

That has nothing to do with whether it happened or didn't happen or could have happened. So, nothing that happened could have not happened

or happened any differently, could it?

Eleanor:

No.

Jon:

So, could Chris have done anything any differently?

Eleanor:

No.

Jon:

things Then, should he have done differently?

Eleanor:

No.

Jon:

anything Could you have done differently?

disagreement.

-o JON CONNELLY

108

Eleanor: Jon:

No. Should

you

have

done

things

differently? Eleanor:

No.

Jon:

You got it very quickly. You're very

bright - but it's new. So, I want you to give ita moment just to percolate.

Say these words to me, Theres What people hear other people say nothing lever did that Icould have not may impact and influence their mind done."

but what they hear themselves sav

has a different effect. This is why | Eleanor:

There's never anything I could have am telling her tosay it. done.

Jon:

There's nothing l ever did that I could have not done.

Eleanor:

Jon:

There's nothing that I've done that I When people hear things, they are not only processing what was said, couldn't have done. but also an interpretation of what Yes. There's nothing Iever did that Iiwas said. This is why very intelligent people have difficulty repeating a could not have done. Say that. sentence. What their repeating is

Eleanor:

Jon:

Nothing Iever did | could not have what they thought was said, not what was said. Being this demanding with done. her here is designed to get my ideas There's nothingl ever did that I could across, but also to get it so it is much not have done. more likely for her to hear what I am

actually saying. Everything that Isay

Eleanor:

Nothing that Iever did that I could not is very precise and intentional. have done.

Jon:

There's nothing that I ever did that | could have not done.

Eleanor:

There's nothing that I ever did that Could not have done.

Jon:

And there's nothing that you didn't do

that youcould have done, is there? Eleanor:

No.

Jon:

Therefore, Eleanor, there's nothing that you could ever have done that you didn't do.

GRIEF IS NOT

SACRED O..

109

You couldn't have done anything that i youdidn't do.

Doyou understand that you can agree

with me about that? Eleanor:

Jon:

Eleanor:

Jon:

Eleanor:

Yes. LcOuldn't have done anything one DIt: People generally regret something differently. Say that. they did or didn't do, or something they said or left unsaid. Hence, I Lcouldn't have done anything one bit have her repeat the words. differently.

Icouldn't have not done anything Idid do.

Icouldn't have not done anything I did do.

Jon:

I couldn't have done what Ididn't do.

Eleanor:

Icouldn't have done what Ididn't do.

Jon:

Eleanor:

repeat after me Icouldn't have done anything that IËHaving somebody which is self-talk, of has the power didn't do. and beliefs primarily what guides Icouldn't have done anything that TË behavior. didn't do.

Jon:

Icouldn't have had a different thought.

Eleanor:

Icouldn't have had a different thought.

Jon:

Icouldn't have had a different feeling.

Eleanor:

Icouldn't have had a different feeling.

Jon:

Icouldn't have taken adifferent action.

Eleanor:

I couldn't have taken a different

Jon:

Idon't know exactly how many breaths to this Thave taken during my life up

action.

moment.

Eleanor:

breaths Idon't know exactly how many to this up life Ihave taken during my moment.

..o JON CONNELIY

110

Jon:

Icouldn't have taken one more breath.

Eleanor:

Icouldn't have taken one more breath.

Jon:

Icouldn't have taken one less breath.

Eleanor:

I couldn't have taken one less breath.

Jon:

I couldn't have said one more word.

Eleanor:

I couldn't have said one more word.

Jon:

I couldn't have said one less word.

Eleanor:

Icouldn't have said one less word.

Jon:

Everything that I said had to be said.

Eleanor:

Everything that I said had to be said.

Jon:

Everything Idid had to be done.

Eleanor:

Everything Idid had to be done.

Jon:

Nothing I didn't do could have been

done. Eleanor:

Nothing

Ididn't do could have been

done. Jon:

Nothing could have been different.

Eleanor:

Nothing could have been different.

Jon:

Icouldn't have done it any different than Idid.

Eleanor:

Icouldn't have done it any different than Idid.

Jon:

Chris couldn't have done it any different than he did.

Eleanor:

Chris couldn't have done it any different than he did.

Jon:

Does that sound accurate?

Eleanor:

It does.

GRIEFIS

Jon:

Eleanor: Jon:

NOT SACRED o-

111

Let's go through something that: will make this even more deeply embedded in your mind where it can become useful. Would that be alright? Yes, that would be okay.

So, this time, I'm going to think in the

way you now realize is incorrect so

that you can correct my thoughts. Eleanor: Jon:

Alright, I'll do my best.

So, you're going to respond to me. I should have spent more time with my grandmother before she died. She did so much for me, and I should have done more for her.

Eleanor:

Well, Jon, you couldn't have done more for her because nothing could i

have ever happened any differently

than it did. Jon:

Wow. That sounds right. Thank you.

Eleanor:

Well, it certainly makes sense when I

say it to you.

Inorder to make the

Jon:

arqument more powerful, l cause it to come from her Yes, Eleanor. And now it makes sense to me. She's already heard it come when you hear me say it. from me to her, and so now it's

Eleanor:

It really does now, Jon.

better for her to hear it from herself to me. This will bring the statement into her mind at a deeper level.

Jon:

People remain in their bodies for

different periods of time. Some people don't remain in their body even through their own birth. Some children, you would say, are stillborrn and some By saving "been thinking," | am

Eleanor: Jon:

people live to 108- meaning thatË creating a wedge between past energy is in the body that long - and and present. I am taking lifetime you've been thinking that 108 is better beliefs and challenging them. By than eight. saying that she's "been thinking," I am placing those beliefs in the past. Correct. lagree there. "Been thinking" identifies what she has been experiencing as a truth But is there any objective evidence and shifts it so that it's seen as a

that it is?

Eleanor:

No.

thought.

-o jON

112

Jon:

Good. Wow! You're very quick at learning. Think this way when you do something. When you get up and go get a glass of water, that movement is a result of certain energy, and the energy caused the movement. So, all movement is a manifestation of energy. Isn't it?

Eleanor:

It is.

Jon:

Okay. So, think of a bee on a flower and the bee is moving. There is energy

causing the movement. You agree? Eleanor: Jon:

l agree.

Okay, now, here's another step. You'll

be able to get this. There is also energy

that has manifested in what we see as

the bee. Eleanor: Jon:

Iagree with that.

That's not so obvious. But, if you speak to somebody who's really studied things like physics at a very deep level and they see an object, they get that the object had to manifest - whether it was a pencil, a rock or a bee. But what caused it to manifest? Energy. Energy causes it to manifest and energy causes what has manifested to move.

Got it? Eleanor: Jon:

Igot it. I got it. Yeah. If you think of a candle flame that's moving, you would say, "Okay,

well, energy is causing the movement

in the flame and energy is causing the flame. The flame is energy." Now, just

apply the same principle to a turtle. Energy is causing the turtle; energy is moving the turtle. You're with me on all that? Eleanor:

Yep. So far, so good.

ONNELIY

GRIEF

SACRED IS NOT

Jon:

o. 113

One of the things you learned early in life is that energy can never be dostroved, but the way itIS manitested on change. A little girl Comes tO you, and she says,Tnere Was one ning, andit became another thing. And then,

ËThis metaphor I'm using with the ice cube is telling her mind that the energy that she knew as Chris is : just as much there as it was when Ëshe could see him. You can still see an ice cube when it melts into water. that thing disappeared." And you Her son is still there even if she can't say, "Tell me more." And she said "1 see him. saw an ice cube sitting in a glass. It

changed into water and then the water disappeared." You know that H,0 is H,Owhether it's ice, water or gas. Eleanor: Jon:

True.

When the water evaporated, it wasn't any less there than when it was an jce cube, but your senses would pick it up in a different way. If your senses didn't pick it up at all, that wouldn't matter because it doesn't depend on our senses for its existence. Does that make sense?

Eleanor: Jon:

It does.

So, I'm looking at the sky and a dark cloud blocks the moon. If Idon't see the moon, does that mean the moon

no longer exists? The moon doesn't depend on me sensing it for it to exist.

So, if I'm sitting there despondent, you ask me, "What's wrong?" And I say,

"Well, that cloud shouldn't have been there." You tell me, "Well, that thought

isn't going to work out to00 well for you,

Jon. That cloud occurred. I get that you like to see it, but that doesn't mean that the cloud shouldn't have ever Occurred." Okay? "It occurred once and, you know what? It rained. I didn't

like it." But you're going to say to me, "I can understand that."

But then, if Isay to you, "So, it shouldn't have happened." You say, "But I don't understand that.

| understand you

didn't like it, but when you say the rain

JON CONNELY

114

should not have occurred because

you were having apicnic, that doesn't

make any sense." And no hummingbird would ever have that thought, right? Eleanor:

This is so true.

Jon:

Chris will say to you, "l could easily be an ice cube or a hummingbird or a puppy because the energy that I am can manifest in all of these ways." Does that make sense?

Eleanor: Jon:

It does. It makes so much sense.

Chris made a jailbreak. He's no

| am asking her to think of her

longer trapped within a dysfunctional son's passing as a jailbreak and brain and body. He did that, checked it therefore, he is free. She is going out, got what there was to get about it.

with me on this and that shoud

You know, he gave it a good shot.

change what has been causing all of her pain.

Eleanor:

He did.

Jon:

And then he said, "Well, that's about What I am saying is now being

Eleanor:

enough of this. Now, I'll do something heard as coming from him. Since else." And he is doing something she's hearing what l'm saying, else.

she's experiencing connection with her son, Chris. Think of it this

That is absolutely him. You have no way: She's talking to a telephone. idea. It's like you're saying what Chris I'm hearing what she's saying. Her would say. It's crazy.

experience is that she's talking to me. My experience is that she's

Jon:

Yes. Ifeel him. He is guiding me.

talking to me even though she's

Eleanor:

It's amazing! It's just amazing!

actually talking to a telephone. I've become like atelephone. Hearing what Isay has become like hearing

Jon:

So, he's fine. He's free from that Chris say it. trap. He's perfectly fine.

Eleanor:

Chris was a jokester.

Jon:

Right. And brilliant.

Eleanor:

And brilliant.

Jon:

Yes. He is a jokester and he's brilliant.

He would like you to be fine, too. So, check now...

Chris is speaking

through me as if l'm a phone.

GRIEF IS NOT Eleanor:

SACRED o

Amazing. It's just amazing what you're saying to me. Check now for the grief.

Jon:

Eleanor:

Ijust feel good right now...l can feel Chris here with us and it feels like he is somuch better than he used to be.

Jon:

He's perfect and he's free. There's aconnection between you that will never end.

You can now think of

Chris with pleasure. Eleanor:

Yeah.

Jon:

So, Eleanor, Ithink that's what there was for us to get done today.

Eleanor:

Iappreciate everything you said. It's amazing. I'm amazed.

Jon:

It was delightful to spend some time with you. It was lovely to meet with you, Eleanor.

Eleanor:

Thank you.

115

JON CONNELLY

116

FAINA

Faina came to see me two months after the passing of her son Aki to suicide. Jon:

Hi. Faina, my intention is that our

meeting will have significant value for you. What should | know or understand so lcan be useful? Faina:

My son took his life two months ago. When people ask me how I'm doing, say it's day-by-day. I'm handling it, I'm going through life. Sometimes Ifeel like l'm on autopilot. There are moments where Ifeel stuck. There are

moments Ihave clarity. I hear from a lot of people that you never get there. I feel like l'm functioning, but I don't feel that I'm at peace. Jon:

to Faina, you mentioned that there are I believe that it makes sense notice what we look to increase. moments of clarity.

People in the mental health or grief

Jon:

industry would be unlikely to ask Yes. about the clarity and would prefer to information about the What is your experience and what are ask for further

Faina:

I'm clear that Iand my husband have

Faina:

pain.

your thoughts as you're clear?

done everything that we could possibly have done for him.

Jon:

What is his namne?

Faina:

Aki.

Jon:

When you are clear, what's clear like?

What do you understand from where you're clear? Faina:

Okay. 'm clear.

| know that

did

everything that I could possibly do for him. There truly wasn't anything else that I could have done to stop him from doing this. He was never happy. It was almost like he was insatiable ever since he

was a child. And we kept on pouring

GRIEF IS NOT

SACRED O..

117

into him and giving and giving, and it was never enough. And I remember when he was going through therapy, the psychiatrists at the time said that it's just part of his personality that, you know, we had to set boundaries, which we did, for the most part. Jon:

Faina:

Jon:

There isn't anything else you could have or should have done.

I's hard for me to see that inevitably She is crying and hurting because Something like this Would have she is unclear. So, the same person happened [crying]. can, of course, access distortion and access clarity, and it can be a Let's start with where there's clarity. moment later.

Faina:

He shouldn't have gotten married when he did. I'm very clear about that. I'm clear that that relationship was not healthy for him. And I'm clear that I had no control over it. I'm very clear.

Jon:

You didn't have control?

Faina:

And I always did.

Jon:

And you always did have Control?

Faina:

A lot of it. Yes.

Jon:

Until the marriage.

Faina:

Yes, until the marriage.

Jon:

Faina:

What else should I know?

I'm not asking specific questions because Ibelieve her unconscious

T did not speak to him for eight months. mind should select the content that

Priorto his suicide, I did speak with him. He called me the night before. He was being disrespectful in the house when

he lived with us. He was not being a

part of the family. So, Itold him that needed to move out and we would

he

support him in finding a place. He had

Words with me. My husband was upset with me as well. He went to my in-laws who live about six, seven minutes from Our home. He never forgave me for that.

she shares with nme.

JON CONNELY

118

Jon:

So, not talking for eight months was

because youdidn't want to or he didn't want to?

Faina:

He did not want to.

Jon:

Would you have taken a cal from him?

Faina:

Yes. Which Idid the night before he killed himself.

Jon:

And you would have earlier?

Faina:

Yes! Absolutely, 100%.

Jon:

So, it's when you say, "l didn't talk to him for eight months," that's not what happened. What happened is he didn't talk to YOU.

Faina:

Iunderstand what you're saying.

Jon:

He didn't talk with you for eight months?

Faina:

Correct.

Jon:

And then, he connected with you once. And then, he died the day after.

Faina:

Correct.

Jon:

There has been turmoil.

Faina:

It's in the moments in the car. It's when

Jon:

Most people understand emotions as coming from the situation. "Why is that guy angry?" "Oh, that other guy shoved

Igo through photos, it's...

him." That's the way most people think -I'm not disputing that. But I'm going to offer you an alternate way of thinking

that willgive us more power in making a difference. makes Let's think that if there's anything "let's think" words the ideas on somebody is feeling, the feeling is Using Faina to try them for for being caused from within that person's it easy to first vet

mind. Thinking this way, we have much

more power.

Sometimes you felt

without having

truthfulness.

GRIEF

SACRED IS NOT

o..

119

troubled, sometimes you felt upset. sometimes you've experienced this emotional pain. We're going to think outside that box. Faina: Jon:

Okay.

Your mind is hard-wired fine and

the software is pretty damn good. However, the data that mind is looking to process has been difficult for it to process.

So, if Ihave a coffee grinder, andlsay, "Ithink it's broken because it doesn't

grind this rock," you'd say, "No, the problem isn't with a coffee grinder. It's doing fine with the coffee. That's what it was made for. lt wasn't built tO grind

rocks. That's why the rock didnt go People in the mental health industry through."

are prone to generalize and expand on

problems. If someone mentions Your mind is hard-wired fine and the software is fine. There's some data he is nervous in a particular situation, his therapist might say, "Yes, you there that we Would need to process.

have anxiety. Where else does your

anxiety show up?" Instead of this, Let's think of a colander that someone might use it to drain spaghetti. luse wOuld look to narrow what needs to be done to cause things to be it with sand. Ishake the sand througn better. There is nothing wrong with little holes. I say, "T think its broken. her and there's nothing wrong with It doesn't work." You see there are mind. It's just that her mind has some lumps of sticky sand that arent her had trouble processing stuff that the going through the little holes. I ask, mind isn't designed to process, just "Do we need to send it to the repair like a coffee arinder isn't supposed shop?" You answer me by saying, "T don't think so." You pick up the sticky to grind up rocks. lump of sand and rub it between your fingers. The sand breaks up and goes into the colander and through the little holes.

And that's what | see is there for us to do.

Faina:

It's like a realignment or readiustmentPeople in the mental health industry

or...

Jon:

often suggest to their patients or clients that whether or not they get

You don't need to be realianedbetter is up to them. I'm doing the

You're aligned just fine, Its up to me iopposite as I tell her to just hang on to cause the data to process. ltake and I will take care of it. I then ask

120

-o |ON CONNELIYy care of it. Just hang on. What about her what about what

what happened with Aki has been bothering you? Faina:

Jon:

Faina:

Jon: Faina: Jon:

Faina:

He wasn't happy in his life. happy - highs and lows.

Never

happened with

her son is bothering her

"What about what Aki has been This is what l've

happened with bothering"the dumh you?" named

question" because most think they are people to ask such a too smart to need thing. Correct. just asked what is After all. | bothering her about the fact her son suicided Do you ever sense him, feel him? People, including therapists, are likely to try to understand others. Ihad something very strange happen. a process called "empathy". In order to understand what someone What's that? else is feeling, a person would use empathy to imagine themselves Okay. So, he had passed away on He's not unhappy now.

in a similar situation or remember

Wednesday. The following Tuesday, a similar situation they were in

Ismelled something very pungent. It After doing that, the individual mav

was like an oniony weird smell. And I be assured. "Oh, I understand

went to my husband and said, "Yo, do know how you feel." In actuality.

you smell that?" He said, "Yes, what the therapist did not learn what the is that?"I answered, "l don't know. patient feels by understanding what It's very bizarre." Itold my husband TËhe himself would feel.

thought it was a sign. When we came home, the smell was gone.

Although people think of being

Jon:

What do you think it meant?

empathetic as being kind, I believe it is rather disrespectful. If you want

Faina:

After Aki worked out, he would smell. what Itell youabout what I'm feeling

to understand me, be interested in

That was what I associated it with. I and thinking rather than trying to laughed. It gave me a sense of peace. And...I felt his presence. Jon:

Yes, I feel his presence as I listen to

you. He was connecting with you. Faina:

Ibelieve so. Ido. It's just something

felt. It gives me peace. Jon:

Good. He was connecting with you. He isn't unhappy as he is connecting with you.

Faina:

No.

Jon:

He's not unhappy.

Faina:

No.

understand what you would feel in a

similar situation.

GRIEFIS

NOT SACRED

o.

He's fine. Jon:

Faina:

I'm happy that he's happy. I'm hurt that I can't share that happiness with him.

[Crying] You actually can. Jon:

Physically? Faina:

No, but just as good. Even better. Jon:

He went through life with a mind that wasn't so user-friendly to him or people around him.

Faina: Jon:

That's very true. The essence of Aki isn't fucked up, but

his mind certainly was. So, he is now free from what was dysfunctional. So, hence, when you sense him, you're

going to sense him more than you have previously. It's like he had a box over his head and had to look

out through a small, dirty, distorted window. The box is off his head. The

distortion that was causing his turmoil is gone. Faina:

Yes, I follow you. I sense that.

Jon:

Why do you think he did it?

Faina:

It was impulsive. He's very impulsive.

It wasn't premeditated. I have 100% clarity there. Jon:

Tell me he was impulsive in a more

negative way. Tell him he was acting

like a self-centered asshole.

Faina:

Aki, you were realy self-centered,

selfish and hurtful.

Jon:

Faina:

Yeah. Good. Say it again. Aki, you're really self-centered, selfish and hurtful.

121

..o |ON CONNELIy

122

Jon:

He will respond from where he is | purposely choose clear. He's no longer got that box Ëstatement for his mother an

to sayangryto been sO much through istorted stuff. You have Aki that this is the most anger on his head. He's no longer looking him. There has

authentic way at his very highest, wisest and best. to connect. She is connecting What's his response? wihisth Aki and, response to her anger is hence, perfect He's telling me, "Mom, I'm sorry that Ihurt you and l'm sorry Iwas an

enlightened

Faina:

asshole"

Aki, Iappreciate you telling me that. You've given me clarity and peace. Jon:

Faina:

Nice. Good.

Ifeel so much better.

Jon:

Start talking to him a lot.

Faina:

Okay.

Jon:

And because he's clear, you don't have to be fearful, sensitive, or protect him any longer.

Faina:

That really helps.

Jon:

You can just say to him, "You know, Aki, you wrote the book on being an asshole." And he's not going to say, "You hurt my feelings!" No, he's going to say, "Yeah, and it was a long book."

Faina:

Many, many years.

Jon:

Yeah. So, that's his response to you.

Faina:

That's very helpful.

Jon:

He's closer than your breath right now. Closer than he's ever been

because he had to navigate with this

thing that skewered everything and made him somebody that even his mother who really loved him couldn't actually like because he was not a

likable guy.

Expressing her anger to her now enlightened son brings ease and clarity.

SACRED NOT GRIEFIS Faina:

Jon: Faina: Jon:

Faina: Jon:

123

It was very difficult. It's hard when you are being verbally abused, and at times, physically abused. It's very challenging. Now say, "Youhurt me.

Aki, you hurt me. You hurt me mentally.

Aki, you hurt me mentally.

You hurt me physically.

Faina:

You hurt me physically [in a crying

Jon:

l'm your mother and you hurt me

voice).

physically. Faina:

|am your mother and you hurt me

physically.

Jon:

And then say, "Who does that?"

Faina:

Assholes [laughing].

Jon:

Was that his answer?

Faina:

Ididn't call him an asshole.

Jon:

But you can noW.

Faina:

Yeah, I can now. Ihave the power.

Jon:

The state of the art in terms of grief

counseling therapy is primitive, backward and awful. You're going to hear things like, "Oh, Faina, this is a pain you'll never overcome." Now,

that's meant to help, and here's how it would help. A lot of people feel very

bad about feeling bad. Did you get that?

Faina:

A lot of people feel bad. They feel

guilty about feeling bad.

Anger has been expressed and cleared, so she can laugh.

-o |ONCONNELLY

124

Jon:

Yeah. So, if somebody feels bad, that sucks. And if somebody feels bad about it, that sucks more. Doesn't it?

Faina:

Totally.

Jon:

Right. So, when people say to you, It's valuable for Faina to realive a. "Well, Faina, it'l never get better," hurtful things that are said by others thev're actually trying to help. Because at least had a positive intention what they're trying to say is, "Oh, dear,

you don't have to feel bad about feeling bad." Faina: Jon:

Idon't like hearing it personally. Get where it comes from so that you

can flip it. "I can't imagine how you can feel okay, but at least don't feel bad

about not feeling okay." Faina:

Oh, Ican see that.

Jon:

That's what they're trying to say. And you can just give her a hug and say,

"Oh, thank you," because what you're

thanking her for is good wishes toward you - because she's wrong. You're going to be fine. And if you want to do Aki a favor, get fine fast. Continuing to make you miserable is

not his favorite thing. Faina:

Correct.

Jon:

The quicker you're okay, the better he is.

Faina:

Makes sense to me.

Jon:

The gift that you can give him now is to be fine. Let me ask you another question. Is longer better?

Faina:

Longer better?

Jon:

Yeah. So, would it have been better if he lived to 100?

Faina:

That's what people think.

GRIEFIS

Jon:

NOTSACRED o-

125

The notion that longer is better is wrong. Let's say your husband was taking you to the movies. He's checking to see what's playing and you ask him if he is reading the reviews. He tells you he is just looking to find the longest movie possible.

l'd rather watch a 12-minute great movie than a 3-hour movie that I wish was over in five minutes. Faina: Jon:

Right.

Okay, so longer isn't better and it's not hetter to live to 88 than it is to live to 28. I's really not. He's not confined to his body: he took a ride in it. Some people like to keep a car for a really long time. Others think it's fun to trade in and get a new one. Would it be better if I kept my car 13 years instead of one year? Will

Ibe a more fulfilled person? His body was never him. His mind was never

him. In fact, they were not working so well and so he dumped them. He's better off. He's fine. Now, check for the

feeling, that painful feeling. Check for it.

Faina:

It's not there as much.

Jon:

See if you can try to cause it.

Faina:

When Ivisualize what I..yeah.

Jon:

Okay. Howdid you cause it?

Faina:

Seeing him taking the gun and shooting himself.

Jon:

Look at me, Faina. That isn't going on. It will never go on. Look right at it

and get it. It's not happening. It's not relevant. It doesn't give information

about anything other that it was the culmination of a whole lot of crap and It was just before he was freed from

his distorted mind and body. He's fine.

It's natural to feel upset because her son died young. I'm convincing her that it wouldn't really have been any

better if he had lived longer.

..o ON CONNELLY

126

He's not doing it. Nobody's about to shoot themselves. Faina:

This is really helpful. It's so helpful.

Jon:

Try to get the feeling.

Faina: Jon:

|ask her to try when Iwould like

to fail.

h

Idon't feel the tears welling up. Yeah, well, you shifted that. Beautiful!

Try to feel bad again. Faina:

It's more anger now.

Jon:

emotional and an Anger physiological response to a perceived threat that enables the animal to do

only one thing better, which is bite

and rip flesh with teeth. It has no other purpose. So, if we hire an assassin to

killpeople, and she's up there with her high-powered rifle, looking through the scope about to ever-so-gently pull the

trigger and make somebodya quarter a mile away dead, how angry do you want her as she's aiming? Zero. Faina: Jon:

Right.

We don't even want angry assassins. Anger is a dysfunction. It's something

left over from more primitive animals. When Zebra sees another zebra trying

to mount his mate, he gets angry. The anger makes his jaw get very strong. That's what it's for. Now, he can bite the other zebra's butt really hard. Have

you been planning on biting anyone's butt with your teeth? Faina:

No. [Laughing]

Jon:

Would you have any interest in

physically biting Aki? Perhaps ripping a hunk of flesh off his shoulder? Faina:

Ugh, no.

Jon:

Check for the anger now.

As she realizes that anger is not useful, it dissolves. Humor was useful because laughing and having fun is very different from anger.

SACRED NOT IS GRIEF

127

I's not there noW. It's all gone. Faina:

You don't have to miss him. He

Jon:

Faina:

wasn't around much even when he was around. He'I be around even more than he used to be. He's no longer fucked up.

That's amazing when you put it like that. That just gives me so much happiness and clarity. Ilove that! And Ihave the ability to talk to him. Imean,

that's huge for me. Jon:

Faina:

Jon:

You absolutely do. Inever even thought of that. That's not even something that was...

Yeah, of course, l'd like you to talk to him. If you do it in your mind, that's fine. But if you do it out loud, it's better.

Faina:

| have a tree outside that a friend of mine planted. It's an enduring oak and When people treating grief view it it's thriving in the backyard. as sacred, they're not likely to say

Jon:

Yes. You can do it there. Do it anytime funny things. Most grief counselors you want but not too loudly while you're grocery shopping by yourself. So, don't be pushing the cart screaming, "Aki. you are an asshole." So, just do that.

Faina: Jon:

Would not put an image into the mind of the mother of someone who

suicided that she is walking through

a grocery store pushing a cart and but talk to him out loud. You'll be fine. yelling, "Aki you are an asshole!" You already are. Expressing emotion is encouraged

by many people in the mental health or grief industry because they believe to feel it and express And you know, nothing's fair. There's

Yeah, yeah.

no Tairness anywhere. And he got dealt It is the way to finally release it.

Faina: Jon:

not the best hand because his mind i There is no proof that expressing didn't sort it out to his advantage. ButË anger, sadness, griet, jealously or it's over and he's fine. fear make these feelings go away. However, painful emotions dissolve when there's light, clarity and humor. Yes. And he even reached out and sianaled People often remain troubled if they to you doing a magic trick that was think something shouldn't have pretty significant that even vour happened because it wasn't fair. I suggest that nothing can be unfair husband felt. because there is nothing that is fair.

-o jON CONNELLY

128

Faina:

Jon:

It

was

amazing.

l've

never

felt :

something like that. To me, it was just like...it was so bizarre. It was just that Ifelt it had to be him. There's nothing else Icould think of that.

I think it's pretty classy.

I met with

Her a woman about her daughter. daughter doesn't cause sour smells; she puts feathers in her bra.

Faina:

Goodness! [Laughing]

Jon:

Mom is all of a sudden, "What the hell?"

There's all this itchiness. She goes

somewhere where she can reach into her bra and feel around, and there's a

feather. It's happened numerous times. Imean, how do feathers appear in your bra?

Faina:

Yeah, it's amazing.

Jon:

So, this is a magic trick.

Faina:

That was a magic trick. Way cool.

Jon:

Faina:

Yeah, it really was. It was very cool. So, that's what there was for us to get done today. It was wonderful to be able to speak with you. Ifelt like | wanted to talk about it, but no one wanted to talk

about it. So, Ikept it in. l'd cry in the car. Ihave friends say, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. You are so strong. You are So strong." Iwould think, "I know I'm strong, but it still hurts and I'm stuck." Jon:

You will still hear that. "I'm sorry for your loss. You'll never get better." And

just know that people are coming from their own minds. Just say, "Thank you

for your kindness." Faina:

I will.

SACRED o. ISNOT GRIEF Jon:

Faina: Jon:

Faina:

It's absolutely fine for you to be absolutely fine from now on. Yes. Got it?

You have been so wonderful. I so

appreciate you taking the time. I really do. This is very helpful. I'm going to talk to Akitonight.

Jon:

There you go.

Faina:

You're the best. Thank you so much!

Jon:

Thank you, Faina. Client Comment

Ihad a meeting with Dr. Connelly for 45 minutes. I wanted help with feelings of guilt and sadness and just being stuck in certain

thoughts. My son, Aki, took his life two months ago at the age of 25. Iexplained that I was just very sad. No matter what we did for Aki, he was never happy. After my meeting, Ifelt like a huge weight was just lifted off my heart and shoulders. Istarted to feel at peace. It was an incredible feeling. Even today, when Iwoke up, I felt this sense of peaCe.

Thad been to other therapists for different issues and I would leave those sessions feeling anger and resentment towards people in my life. Like, "Why me?!" I always played the victim. I would highly, highly, highly recommend Dr. Connelly and Rapid Resolution Iherapy. It really worked for me, Ifelt that in those 45 minutes, I learned some incredible tools to help me get unstuck. Inow View grief and death in a whole different manner.

129

-o JON CONNELLY

130

GRACE Grace came to see me because she couldn't move on after the passing of hher felt alot of guilt because they had had afight and she didn't answer his last call.

boyfriend. He

his way to see her. Jon:

Grace:

She

died on

Grace, if today we can make a shift that will cause life to be more satisfying and more enjoyable, then what should we get done? Ilost the love of my life three and a half years ago. Ican't really move on from

him. Idon't let myself feel open to other people. Jon:

Grace:

Tell me what should know to understand what you're going through.

So, Simon and

I were together

for three years and it was a very tumultuous relationship. We are both very stubborn, aggressive people. There was a lot of fighting. There was a lot of animosity and distrust. He had sex with other women. I did stuff to get back at him and then he did stuff to get back at me. Over the course of the three years that we were together, we broke up about once a month. He was

very emotionally manipulative. Jon:

It sounds

like

really

exciting Someone couldhave said, "It sounds

like a very disturbing relationship,"

Connection.

but | thought it would be more Grace:

The first time Isaw him Iwas at work. useful to notice how exciting it was. I'm an engineer.

just saw him walk

We've learned that what is noticed

in the lunchroom one day. I'm literally increases. Yet, people in the mental texting my roommate at the time. Isaid, health industry tend to primaniy "ljustsaw the man I'm going to marry." notice what is dysfunctional.

She was like, "What's his name?" And I'm like, "I don't even know yet." Jon:

How amazing!

Grace:

Then he asked me out and we never left each other's side after that. l've

never felt that with anybody before. Jon:

You connected deeply and quickly.

CRIEF IS NOT

Grace:

SACRED

131

He was so handsome [crying]. It wasa

really rough relationship, but we were both so in love with each other. It was like we just kept hurting each other,

and just kept coming back. Every time

we came back, there was more distrust

and animosity.

Yet, we just kept

making it work because, when things were good, they were so good. |have

a lot of guilt about his death

because it was during one of our

breakups. Iwas realy tired of being

treated like shit, you know? Like I'm sensitive about my breasts being so

large and he would call me "Tits" all the time. He did it jokingly as if it was

his pet name for me, but I hated it. I told him not to, but he would just laugh.

Ihave a lot of self-confidence issues and he'd play on that. Ijust got to the point where I was like, "All right. I'm done, Iwant to get away from this." He

flirted with one of my girlfriends right in front of me. He said things that were really sexual.

couldn't stand it and I

broke up with him. He would text me every day saying he wanted to fix this. Two weeks went by. He called and

texted, but I ignored him. Since I refused his calls,he got in his truck and began driving to my house. He texted me on the way. He wrote, "T love you. You're my girl. Forgive me." But Ididn't answer. He drove his truck around a corner and lost control. The truck left

the road and smashed into atree. I

learned that he had been drinking. His blood alcohol level was very high. He was thrown from the car, he cut an

artery and bled out alone in a ditch

thinking I didn't love him. Why didn't | forgive him? Why couldn't have taken his call? He's dead because of me. He's dead because l didn't take his phone call.

132

Jon:

-o jON CONNELLY great job I'm purposely using catching me up. l'd like to suggest a connect her to the present tense to way of thinking about things. There suggesting a way ofexperience, 'm

Grace, you've done a

was atime when you are outdoors and you see something and it is beyond beautiful. Grace:

The ocean.

Jon:

At the peak moment of seeing the Ocean, you feel both peace and excitement.

Grace:

Yes.

Jon:

Think that, at that special moment, your awareness was drawn in toward where,at your center, there is peace and excitement. There have been

other times when you feel excited and peaceful, and there have been times when your awareness was far away from it.

You would explain to a child that the sun must weigh as much at midnight as it does at noon. It's got to be just as hot and, therefore, it's got to be just as bright but our awareness of it fluctuates.

So, let's think that where, at your center, there is peace, there is excitement. There is light. There is wisdom. There's power, there's clarity. The light is always on, but awareness of that light fluctuates. Makes Some sense, yes? Grace:

Yes, it really does.

Jon:

Let's figure that your body has always belonged to you, but it doesn't work like

it did when you were just a minute old. Every cell has been replaced over and over again. So, there's really nothing here that was there, except you're

here. So, if we think of it that way, your

body certainly belongs to you, but isn't you. It's yours, but isn't you.

thinkingherabout telling that easier for her to go This wil make it things rather than what I say is true.

along with me.

SACRED o-..

GRIEFIS NOT

133

When I touch your hand, Itouch something nobody else ever touched because it's always new.

put my fingers thrOugh a candle The candle metaphor demonstrates flame and, next, you do that, and now that, although we can seemingy Ldo You didn't touch what Itouched touch the same thing, we're not

and I didn't touch what you touched touching the same thing. because it's energy and it's not the

same. So, as Itouch you, I'm touching something that hasn't been touched. It's also energy. It's just moving in a different way.

Nothing can put that light out and What I'm saying suggests that the nothing can hurt the light. The light connection has and wil always be

that is Simon and the light that Ëthere. 'm suggesting it was there is you are touching. Where the when she felt it and when she did

lights touch, it is really bright and / not feel it.

that connection is always on. The trauma was so extreme. lt did not block

the connection, but it did interfere with your experience of it.

I'm seeing what the plan is for you. Simon has the same plan and, at the highest level, so do you. I'm seeing you where your mind is updated

've created an alliance between Simon and myself. I bring her into the alliance by stating that, at the highest level, she is intending just

and clear and working in the best what Simon and lare intending. This way for you. You're celebrating the statement is likely to be accepted

forever love and connection thateven if she she isn't aware of the you never need to say goodbye plan because I used the phrase "at to. We've got the same intention, the the highest level" which implies it is same purpose, and the same vision. going on even though she might not Our energy is coming together. The have conscious awareness ofit. energy expands. Expanding energy

is fuel; fuel is power. There is power fueling a transformation that's already underway. Ifwe could represent the energy that's

fueling the shift with colored light, what color would it be?

Grace: Jon:

Grace:

Silver.

What special fragrance or scent represents that beautiful energy? Vanilla.

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134

Jon:

Yes. Vanilla, silver. Excellent. What sound?

Grace:

The ocean.

Jon:

We've got really powerful stuff working for us. What wild animal or wild bird would inspire you?

Grace:

A horse.

Jon:

Is it a wild horse?

Grace:

Yes.

Jon:

Is it moving or still?

Grace:

Moving.

Jon:

Beautiful.

So, all events then are

coming together. I would like to show you something about energy that might be interesting. Would it be okay? Grace:

Yes.

Jon:

Then, what I'm going to do is indicate

aspot on your hand. Then, ll ask you to look at it. Then, I'll talk with you while you're looking at it for a few

seconds. Then, I'll ask you to close your eyes and talk to you for a few seconds more.

Then, I'l ask you to open your eyes

and Ill ask you to tell me what you noticed during those few moments. That whole thing will take less than thirty seconds. Sound okay?

lask whether the horse is moving or still as it causes her to picture it more fully. Iask if it is a wild horse

because l believe something wild willinspire her more than something that has been domesticated.

It's strange to be asked to close one's eyes while hearing someone speak. In order to eliminate any

apprehension, I tell her step-by step just what II be doing. I tell

her that it will only be for a few seconds and that also reduces any apprehension. Since I've told

her what lIl be doing, Ineed only

do what I said I would do to create

additional credibility. Her sense that what I say is and will be is invaluable in facilitating the desired transformation.

So, your arm is going to be like mine.

Good job. Hand just falls. I adjust it to here. You look at that spot without looking away. Now, there's always vibration. The vibration is constant.

I's always going on but it's unusual for people to notice it. Close your

eyes. Your eyes are closed, and you can't see your hand, but you do know

SACRED GRIEF IS NOT

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135

exactly where it is. You even know : the exact spot you had focused on. Then again, open your eyes. Tell me

what you noticed in terms of thought in those few seconds.

Grace:

There were no thoughts. ljust felt at peace.

I'm pleased with her response. If her response had not been this

ideal - for instance, if she had said she felt worried or thought it was

silly - it would be good that I could respond to that quickly after only a few seconds.

Jon:

Close your eyes. You'll feel me tap the back of your hand twice. Once, twice. Eyes are closed.

Ibelieve that it is important to tel her that I will be touching her hand because her eyes are closed. If I

don't, she might find it alarming. Since I'm telling her I will tap the back of her hand twice and then I

do tap the back of her hand twice, I continue building credibility. The movement through your hand has

To suggest that her mind is

visibly increased, indicating that yourËresponsive can cause concern. The mind is not just powerful but that words "when certain criteria have

it is also wonderfully responsive been met" eliminate that concerm.

when certain criteria have been met.

When I say that the criteria is

That's criteria that I have not yetË something that | have not yet described. So now, just take your time, described, that further enhances

and only when you're ready, open credibility. The word "yet" indicates your eyes. Tell me what you noticed in that it might be described later. This at terms of feeling or thought in those few moments.

may cause additional interest as,

some level, she might wonder what the criteria is.

Grace:

My hand was moving. I could feel it

This is a wonderful response and

tingling, but I couldn't stop it.

indicates that her responsiveness is likely to continue and even increase.

Jon:

Put your hand up like this. [l show her with my hand.] Close your eyes. In a moment, you'll feel my finger touch the back of your hand and you'll know

136

-o JON CONNELLY exactly where it is.

When I lift my

I'm building credibility by

finger, you'll know exactly where it that I will be touching thetelling her back of was. It's as if you can continue to feel her hand with my finger and it. then doing so. Ialso tell her she will know exactly where it is.that As obvioue as that is, I believe

also adds to

credibility. Then, as I tell her she will

know exactly where it was and she does know exactly where it also adds to credibility. Butwas, that tell her it will be as if she when| to feel it, since that isn't ascontinues obvious it adds even more to In credibility, order to knoW where it was, she

recalls the sensation of the touch. I

believe that as she recalls it, she will not disagree with my comment that it's almost as if she can continue to

feel it.

The vibration that began through the

didn't suggest she would feel the

right hand is already transferred to the Vibration. In fact, I told her that it was unlikely and that most people don't left.

notice that vibration is happening.

Not only has it transferred, but it's As /speak about vibration, it does increased. In addition to the vibration increase the likelihood that she will

that's constant, you might notice notice vibration. If she does, So much something else, something different. the better. It increases my credibility You might notice atwitch or a jump. and also suggests that something Iknow that you understand that it's a special is going on. When I suggest single occurrence. Atwitch is different

from something that's

happening

constantly, like a vibration.

that the vibration has transferred to

her left hand, at this point she's likely

to accept that. If she does, it's further evidence that something special is taking place. I like her thinking that Something special is taking place because that opens her mind to the possibility that what's going on is special and, hence, may have value.

And you know that anything that's

occasional or random, sporadic or

make sure that nothing I say can be disagreed with because that would destroy her experience O

intermittent is different from something my credibiliy that's happening constantly. You know connection to me andnothing I am those things are different, but | know with her. Although saying can be disagreed with, wha that your inner mind with its wisdom

knows even more. Therefore, it is being said is complex and is lIKely knows that, although what is different to become difficult to follow. Sco is different, Sometimes what isthere's nothing to disagree wi,

5NOT.SACRED o-

GRIEFIS

137

aHforent isn't really diferent. But that's she's likely to stop putting much something else that we could think effort into following me. Although about at a later time because now isn't one might think that one get a later and you know that. better response if someonecan is paying

attention, Iwill get the that Iam intending so that response it causes what I say to be accepted. Since she is likely to have or at least agreed, not disagreed with, that I've said up until now,everything she's likely to agree and accept what I say next. Therefore, as I say, "your mind is ready to receive," the statement Your mind is ready to receive the color itself causes the readiness. silver, the scent of vanilla, and the

horse. [long pause] Only when you're Because she is accepting her mind's readiness to receive and

ready, your eyes can open. Tell me what's going on.

be

responsive and, therefore, be influenced, I go back to mentioning the symbols represernting the energy and inspiring further transformation. Symbols have a powerful effect

on

the

unconscious

are symbols her

and these

unconscious has

suggested as to what it will respond to. Her mind is already, therefore, responding to what's going on so that her experience of connection with Simon seems to be increasing.

Grace:

Jon:

When you touched my hand, Ifelt it in the back of my neck. We've got it! Put your hand out as if to shake hands. Look here and don't look away. See my hand near yours? Keep looking at the spot, though, so that, as my hand moves, you see it but out of the corner of your eye. You can See it even out to here, particularly if it's moving. And then, as it moves in with energy, you notice it in two ways.

You'll notice it because you can begin to see movement in your hand in response to the energy and because

you can begin to feel the energy..

Because

her

responsiveness

is increasing, she is reporting something that Ididn'teven suggest. 1 will respond to what she said

by saying with some excitement, "We've got it!" This implies that feeling a touch on the back of her neck as Itouch her hand indicates her mind's readiness to respond and transform.

Her hand is, indeed, jerking, twitching, and moving towards mine. This proves to her that deeper levels of mind are responding and causing things to take place. She sees that this is very different from

-o JON CONNELLY

138

anything she has previously felt or experienced. Hence, there is an openness and even an expectation

that what we're doing will have a

desirable efect.

That's it...with the palm of your hand.

Notice how your hand is moving in;

fingers have already moved in. Hand is moving in with it toward the energy, toward my hand. Then, as that continues, you close your eyes, and your eyes rest closed.

When you feel your hand finally touch

my hand, you'll feel my hand touch your arm. But, you see, it's when I Her hand, indeed, does fall because move your arm that things will shift. I said it would fall which causes the When l move your arm, arm will just

drop, falling like liquid lead.

My hand completely supports your arm as it just moves and falls and falls. And then..

belief that what I say will happen will

happen. This opens her mind to the possibility and even the likelihood of positive change.

Her arm rests against my open hand. My hand supports the weight of her arm completely. However,

my hand never closes. She will feel

support and is, indeed, receiving support since Iam supporting the weight of her arm. However, she won't feel clutched, captured, or grabbed since my hand will never close.

...as your arm continues to just fall, notice how you begin to just fall along with it and how all the muscles in the neck...loosen...and ease. The shoulders loosen as well.

Everything is happening perfectly.

Since her body is totally relaxed, it will tend to follow her arm down. Her experience is, once again, that I have said that something will

happen and it happens.

Since everything is happening

perfectly, it is reasonable to expect that what we are doing is having the desired result. The expectation that it will be happening also becomes the cause of it happening.

And each process builds on the one

before and gets better so that, when it her armby liting her thumb. hel Ilift your left arm by the thumb, you arm is limp and relaxed. Therefore,

SACRED O-. SNOT IS

139

GRIEF

notice that it's like I'm

lifting dead she can feel its heaviness pulling fall as head on her It's to just ready weight. thumb and and shoulders fall even further. going on. If you tellverifying whatthatis you're going to lift theirsomeone and you take their hand and liftarm it, they will

unconsciously be doing most of the

Iifting themselves. It is unlikely they will let their arm be a dead so you must lift it entirely. weight don't consciously think aboutPeople doing this. It just happens even though unconsciously. In this situation, it is not happening and that is noticed. This further confirms that new and special is taking something place.

Some things releasing and falling, lhave positioned my hand so that, as falling, faling until your head falls right her body falls forward, her forehead into my hand like the neck is just liquid. falls against my open hand. This

Then, we find where things were stuck again is unusual and confirms that

and change the environment in whichË something special is happening. As stuckness was happening. Stuckness she experiences these signs, her can't continue so that there's nothing mind's responsiveness increases left for stuck to hold on to.

more and more. People who fee

stuck are likely to physically feel it. Her forehead resting against my

hand puts my hand in touch with her head which is likely to cause her to

experience a deeper transformation.

Think of little rocks suspended in a She's feeling her body loosen, relax

clump of ice. As the ice melts, the rocks and even fall in a totally new way.

fall out. The resentrment, the grief, the I'm suggesting that the feelings that guilt, all like rocks with nothing to hold were stuck stayed stuck because

on to, they fall down, like falling into of the environment that they could a river where they're washed away. be stuck in. It is implied that now

Next time will be even deeper as you that the environment has shifted, drift even much, much, much further. what has been stuck is no longer Plan on it. Look forward to it.

supported and, hence, is likely to

simply fall out. Because she has been extremely relaxed, it will be hard to sit up. I've imade it harder to sit up by telling her to try to sit up. When we try to do something, it is significantly harder than when we simply do it. l only ask people Only trying to sit up so slowly, it's almost iSo much so thatwant them to fail. In to try if l actually too hard to do even though you try.

And then, when Itell you to try to sit up, make sure you do it very slowly, noticing how difficult it's become. And nen, try to sit up, but you've gone so deep that you do so ever so slowly. As you ry to sit up, even though you're

addition, although lam suggesting

o JON CONNELLY

140

It's so hard. It's too hard. It's too hard : that since it's So hard,

she to do it only very actually sitting up more slowiy hands and help lift your body up as you much harder. As she experiencesis to do by yourself, but it's okay. In a moment, I am going to take your

come up. Finally, once again realizing

that, since you are so responsive this time, next time, you will be even more

responsive. And now, finally, up to

where your eyes can struggle open.

attempt

should

slowly how deeply her confirhasms ConsciouSness been how hard it is to sit up, it

shifted so that the possibility expectation, of significant transformation is reinforced.

if not the

It was so

difficult to sit up that she could only do it with my help. then, finally, I give you a little help Finally, her eyes open but

So slow because it's hard. That's it. Really slow, because it's so hard. And

so that, finally, you're back. That's it,easily because, indeed, her mind

that's it. And then, to go even further has become quite responsive,| where even more gets done, and then

did Suggest that opening her eves

to fall down, in, still deeper..Now

would require astruggle. Everything

[l snap and her body falls forward.] has been happening just the wa | said that it would happen. My There we go, perfect. And then, you're right there. l'm seeing two lights so clearly. The light that you are and the light that he is intersect and, where they do,

credibility is very high, as is her

experience of connection to me. This is what I've been intending. Her guilt, grie, and resentment

have been profound. Iwelcome her

it's so bright. He is closer than your very deep responsiveness so that it own breath, closer than he's ever been. He is no longer an anchor that weighs you down. Now, he is the wind at yyour back. He's laughing and

tells me he's going to be whispering the right answer into the back of

your mind, making you think you thought of it yourself. He wants you to know that he's super close, but at

the super high level that he's at. He's close but the jealousy is completely gone. His love for you is pure. Your breathing is open, your jaw is loose. That's right, jaw is loose, and things just flow and flow. There is a bright star above your head. Tell me the color. Grace:

Green.

Jon:

Lift up your arms, touch the star, right into the light. Stretch up and feel it. That's it, feel it, yes. Green, energy,

light, connection, transformation,

power. Clearing all the way through, yes. Clearing all the way through

will enable me to free her from this terrible pain.

IS GRIEF

NOTSACRED o. and then just reach higher, higher. higher. Power, clarity, freedom. Yes. ves. And then, you take your own time

and really take your time until finally, vou'll find that eyes once again can Open.

Grace:

Oh,my God! That's amazing! Ifeel so

good. All the tension is gone from my

body. My neck and my shoulders were stif and painful, and now everything is loose. The pain is gone. l don't know

what happened, but I feel so good. Jon: Grace:

Jon:

What did he say? Ilove you.

Yeah, you bet he does. And he always knew and will always know that you

love him. Both of you were crazy as mad hatters. What Iget from him that he wouldn't change one bit. He tells me the breakups were terrible, but the makeup sex was amazing. (She shrieks with laughter.] And so, there is that amazing and forever connection, but no oppression or obligation. Grace:

Ifeel so good! It's unbelievable! He's always been with me. He'll always be with me and now he's no longer an asshole. [laughter] I don't know what

happened, but everything makes sense.

Jon:

ls there guilt now?

Grace:

Absolutely not.

Jon:

Anger?

Grace:

Not a bit.

Jon:

He was always on his way back to you, even when he didn't know it.

Now, you're forever together and there's no longer jealousy and

fighting. You think of him and feel

141

.o |ON CONNELLY

142

happy. He's always happy to be in connection with you. You had a good run and it's still going on. Grace:

Yeah. This was amazing. Ithank you so much.

Jon:

You're amazing, Grace.

SACRED O CRIEF IS NOT

143

JACKIE Jackie came for help after experiencing a prior to our visit. daughter several years Jon:

Jackie:

recent panic attack related to the death of her

What do Ineed to understand in order to be useful to you?

My 16-year-old daughter, Emily, died by suicide 4 years ago. You can hear

my voice is shaking already. I've learned to function pretty well since her passing, but it whacked me

10 days ago. Idrove into a plaza, and Inoticed a bunch of high school kids hanging out at the ice cream shop. It took me by surprise. There was so much emotion that Iwas immobilized.

Iremember, years ago in a restaurant,

Iwould purposely sit with my back to

everything to avoid seeing a child or

teenager. I've really evolved a lot over the years, so I was surprised that it would affect me so much to see this

bunch of kids hanging out at the ice cream shop. lt came out of nowhere

by surprise. Jon:

Go back to the feeling that you had then, Jackie.

Jackie:

I'm having it right now.

Jon:

So then, be with it amoment. Just be Im not asking her to be with

with it a moment. And what's going the unhappy feeling in order to on with the feelings or thoughts right experience it and express it. I'm, now?

Jackie:

Well, right now, lI'm having the physical stuff, like my face is hot and my throat is closing.

Jon:

Are you afraid?

Jackie:

Yes.

Jon:

Are you afraid that something might happen right now?

instead, looking to understand the structure of what's causing it.

144

JON CONNELLY

Jackie:

| don't know, because...

Jon:

You're not afraid that something here is going to hurt anyone?

Jackie:

No, no, no.

Jon:

The fear, do you sense it now?

Jackie:

No.

Jon:

Your unconscious mind thought you were in danger. Are you in any danger?

Jackie:

No, but | sure wanted to run away from those kids.

Jon:

You wanted to run away from a feeling.

Jackie:

Yeah.

Jon:

Emily is fine. She wouldn't be better

with ice cream. What is Emily telling you? Jackie:

She's saying it is ridiculous and that

she's been letting me know that it's okay. Yeah, she is telling me that she's freaking okay. She even did one of her

tricks two days ago to tell me that she was okay. Jon:

What did she do?

Jackie:

She plants feathers into my bra to poke me with. This never happened to me ever in my 50 plus years untila

couple of weeks after she died. It took me two days to figure out what the heck that was. I thought, "Well, that's

really weird." And then, it happened

again. And then, Isaid to her, "Listen! This is crazy." Iwanted to, like, kind of

believe there's something there. But, you know, being logical, Idoubted her.

Itold her, "I'm sorry, Honey. You're just going to have to do it one more time." Next time | opened a brand new package of bras, something

was poking at me. Without thinking, I

GRIEFIS

NOT SACRED O145 was about to throw it out like it was a i

defective wire. But lo and behold, it was a feather - a feather in a brand-new bra

just out of the plastic wrap. So, I stil

don't really believe that necessarily it's her. but there's something there. And

she's kept doing that regularly. Two days ago,

was itching again. When

| checked, there was a little black feather. It's usually been a small white feather. Iwas thinking she knows that I'm upset about this event at the ice

cream shop and that she's telling me not to be upset because she's here. | don't know. Jon:

Jackie:

| think that you nailed it. That's it. She is okay. She is there.

Yeah. It was goodto just be able to say this out loud because Inever would have ever mentioned any of this.

Jon:

Tell me about Emily.

Jackie:

It's going to be hard to without getting really emotional. I don't think l'm there yet where Ican talk about her without

getting emotional. She was a terrific kid. Jon:

I didn't say to try to do it while you're

pretending you are a palace guard or Something. Just talk about her. Jackie: Jon:

She was a terrific kid.

lell me about your daughter in present

use present tense. Asking her

tense and use her name. What's fun what's fun about her daughter wll

about her?

Jackie:

bring interesting things to mind and will keep her awareness in the She's a jokester. Iused to be so upset present. because she would always be in my

bathroom taking my beauty products or my makeup or whatever. And Il always used to think she'll go to college, then

l probably regret these times where l

kind of get annoyed with her taking my stuff and being in my bathroom. The

first time Isaw that there was a feather

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146

in my bra, Iwas in the bathroom. My bra was folded on top of the sink or something. And so, Imean, to me, I get why it's in the bathroom, you know, why it's in my bra because I see the association. Iusually take my bra off in the bathroom, but that's where she always was, bugging me. So, I mean, there's been other things like that, that have had a certain significance to it. Jon:

Jackie:

What kind of tricks and jokes did Emily do when she was younger? She would put on big lipstick and she would twerk, and she would be smiling at me, kind of like this. Just to have

fun. Idon't know. [Laughing] Jon:

Yeah, Ican see that. Isee it real clear.

Jackie:

She was really funny.

Jon:

She |S really funny.

Jackie:

Yeah.

Jon:

Imean, the feathers in the bra, that's

really funny. Jackie:

Idon't know how to explain it. I'm sure

there is a physical, logical explanation - that is, physics and science, as to

Grief is about disconnection from Someone.

The

accumulation

of

experiences with or about someone we feel

0s Connection. Yet, even so, how these feathers end up in my bra. Connected even when the person But she's making me notice...

isn't with us. We have experience

Jon:

Jackie:

being connected even when an individual is physically absent. Grief blocks access to those experiences. You know, it's interesting that you ask The experiences we accumulated because lhave to kind of really think. I: done a big job at trying to just with that person can't be removed

What else does Emily do?

think >'ve block the whole thing out.

they happened.

spouse

This is why, after someone's Icouldn't look at her picture for the dies, their closet may remain as S longest time. It still makes me sad if

Tsee a picture, So lavoid it. I would really have to think hard. Ifeel like it's been four and a half years since l've

seen her, so she is kind of fading away

a little bit in my memory.

for many years. Mind is looking 1o sensory evidence of the persoi rather than experiential evidence ol the relationship. Seeking sensoly evidence of the person (the touci

NOTSACRED GRIEFIS

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147

mean. l've immersed myselt in and smell of the clothes) means learning new things and whatever to that getting of rid their things feels heen my mind busy. Its a good thing like getting rid of the person. Of

hat she's fading away. Her tading aNaV makes it easier tor me to maybe non a box and get rid of some of her hings because you have to go through all of these...all of these dificult things when something like this happens. So, Idon't know what to tell you.

course, they were not their clothes, even while they were still alive. I want her focusing on her daughter's qualities and what it felt like to be in her life rather than what stuff is

associated with her daughter's

physical body.

She's super cute and funny, and had a

big personality. Jon:

Jackie:

What do you mean by big personality? She gave me a positive attribute, So I'm using that to elicit recall of Different from me, very outgoing. positive experiences. Lots of friends, well-liked, involved in tons of things. Taking the lead, a leader, wanted to work from the time she was 12. She couldn't legally until she was 15. As soon as she could,

she got all these jobs to do outside of school. Loved that independence, actually wanted to be emancipated. I was like, "No, you're going to have to wait two more years. It's not that far. You'll be 18." She was really out there and sociable in the community doing things, and one would say she was a go-getter. That was her. Jon:

She is amazing.

Jackie:

Imean, there werealso disagreements and issues, of course - her drinking or smoking pot and things like that which, of course, now is so stupid.

Jon:

How old was she when you first caught

her smoking pot? Jackie:

Probably 15.

Jon:

What's her side of the argument?

Jackie:

Well, she didn't really have any leg to stand on. Ifound the pot. She had

Invisible tense change to present tense.

hidden it by emptying a deodorant

stick thing and then put the pot in and

148

-o |ONCONNELLY then the lid back on it. So, it was in a deodorant that was in her gym bag.

The thing is that it wasn't just that she was smoking pot. She wanted to make money off of it. She wanted to

sell it. So, to me, it was a much bigger

problem than just smoking pot. I was

like, "What the heck are you doing? I mean, this is illegal." Jon:

She wanted to sell it?

Jackie:

Yeah. She's fearless.

Jon:

So, what do you think happened?

Jackie:

All kinds of crap that must have been going on in her head, for sure.

Difficult

things,

bullying,

Now, she has spontaneously spoken

of her

| don't

know. My husband wanted to know everything that he could know about

the circumstances. Iwent the opposite

way. I was like, "She's dead.

I don't

need to know anything about that. I just need to survive this situation." So.

it's not something that Isuper reflect on or think about because she's dead. She's dead. Jon:

Why do you think she did it?

Jackie:

I'm not sure that that was the outcome

that she expected because she made sure that her boyfriend found her before she was dead. Jon: Jackie:

Tellme about that.

Well, she was with her boyfriend in the parking lot at school, getting ready to go into first period, I guess. She apparently...this is what I've gathered

overhearing things that I didn't even want to overhear from conversations

about police reports and things like

that. She said something about being

anxious and wanting her boyfriend to stay with her in the car. He said

no because he didn't want to get into

trouble for skipping class. But after the

daughter in present tense.

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SACRED o.. 149

first period, he went to look for her in the woods behind the school. When he found her, she was still alive. took her to the hospital, but she died

They

two days later.

The whole school attended a vigil in

the park, and it was 500 kids at the funeral. So, I mean, yeah, she liked that. It was like, Wow, that falls in |ine with who she was. She had this bia

personality. Do you ever go to the fireworks on the

Jon:

4h of July?

Jackie:

Occasionally.

Jon:

She's the finale of aJuly 4h firework show. The whole sky is lit up. On one level, it's over in amoment. But on another, italways is. She's not looking

to be a slow fizzle. She's freaking

outstanding.

She is that finale that burns its way

forever in. She's amazing! Some other mother who has a kid that lives to be 43 instead of 16 hasn't gotten a better deal. You don't want me to take Emily and replace her with one that's a slower burn. She's not about

that. She's about big, crazy stuff, and showing up with screams and giggles. Jackie:

She did. The way she was born, she just flew out of me. [Laughing) It was the opposite of my son who stayed in three weeks overdue. She flew out.

Jon:

You have an amazing daughter.

You're incredibly lucky. Jackie:

She was such an easy child. Inever had to worry about her.

That's the

ironic thing. She was so in charge of her life, it seemed.

Jon:

She's in charge of every fricking part of it - beginning, the middle and how it

JON CONNELLY

150

ended. A lot of us are just sitting in the back seat wondering where the driver is going to take us. Ijust love her. I don't know how you improve on that. It's like a light bulb. Ican get it to last

longer ifljust push the dimmer switch. I mean, we could have offered you

that. "Hey, there's only so much voltage in this thing. How bright do

you want it?" A flashbulb, that's pretty

damn bright but doesn't last very long. We could replace that with something that's hardly noticeable but it will be there 100 years from today. That's not the deal. Jackie:

Jon:

No. [Laughing] You know, souped up Trans Am. You almost fall out the back window. That's

Emily. I just love hearing from you. She's a hoot. She starts and ends prety fricking big. Doesn't she? Jackie:

Yes, that's true.

Jon:

The big finale of a firework is super short, yet lasts forever. And that's my sense of Emily. She's fine, and she'd like for you to feel good. If not, she has some other creative ideas as to

where to stick the feathers. Jackie:

Ialmost feel that

am disappointing

her by being sad about her. She needs to be free of that, too. She would have liked yOu because she had a sense of humor that was also a little off. Jon: Jon:

Off enough to like me? That's terrific. How has it been to talk with me about this?

Jackie:

This is the first time that I've spoken about it except to my husband and a close friend of mine who knew her. There is also another bereaved mother.

GRIEF ISNOT

SACRED O

A bereaved mother? Jon:

Jackie:

Imet her becaUse her son is buried

across from where my daughter is. We chose that spot because there was another young soul there. They told me at the cemetery that there is not a corner somewhere that is filled with the

young people. It doesn't work that way.

I was hoping there would be so she'd have some company of her age, but it didn't work that way.

Ifeel her now though. Ifeel her with me. I'm so glad l brought this to you. Idon't feel bad anymore. She is with me.

Jon:

Jackie:

You're lovely. Thank you for sharing all that and bringing her to me because she's amazing. She's the best.

Well, thank you for doing what you do. Ifeel so much better.

151

-o JON CONNELLY

152

JOSH

Josh came to see me eleven years after witnessing his dad's fatal accident on the joh het

was stil suffering with guilt and self-blame for his dad's death. The guilt had interlered w

sleep and continued to haunt him throughout the day. Jon:

Iam looking to be of significant benefit to you. What should Iknow?

Josh:

Years ago, my father was killed in an

accident. Before my father died, my

life was great. We were partners in a roofing business. One day, we were on a job and he fell. | saw himn fall. Iwas the only one there, so Idid my best to try to save him. Later, they told

me he broke something in the back

of his neck that killed him instantly. | don't even remember his funeral or putting him in the ground or the

viewing or anything like that because I was so fucked up. Basically, Inever really grieved about it. I've seen many

therapists. It never really worked for me.

Jon:

And this happened how many years

ago? Josh:

Jon:

Josh:

It happened when I was 29 eleven years ago. Every night, when I go to sleep, Isee his death. A lot of times I'l wake up happy, not thinking about it. Then, when Ido, the rest of the day is just shit. You know? I'm 40.

What have people done to help you with this?

They prescribed benzos when the Then, accident first happened. abused the hell out of that. It began the when I first tried to sleep after accident. Iwould wake up screaming myself his name or l'd be punching somewhat or weird things. It did get there. better over time, but it's still

don't know if it will always be there.

GRIEF IS NOT Jon:

Josh:

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153

I'm looking for our meeting to make a believe it's worthwhile pointing real difference for you. Would that be out that I am interested in making a difference for him. Since many okay? psychotherapists work under the Iwant this fixed. Every time I saw a belief that i's up to people to be therapist, lI walked out thinking, "That doing the work necessary to get dude is crazier than Iam." They tried themselves better, they may seem to hypnotize me. Nothing ever worked. not very interested in the outcome. lam invested in him being okay and My sisters made me go. Iwant him to know it.

Jon

Josh:

What affected you the most?

|blame myself for it. He was 55-years old and I was 29. Why wasn't I the one

on the ladder? Jon:

What was Dad doing?

Josh:

Carrying supplies up. It should have been me. Ialways did that part. For some reason, he did it that morning. I shouldn't have let him.

Jon:

It wasn't it up to you to let him. He's your father. Telling him that he's not allowed to do what he felt like doing would have been demeaning and

disrespectful. You respect your father and, therefore, you couldn't have

stopped him. morning? Josh:

What happened that

We had breakfast like always. Went to He recalls that he actually wasn't

the job site. Everything was going fine. responsible for the event (Dad's

He started bringing the supplies up to idea, wet ladder), but he still feels the roof on his own. Ididn't ask him to quilty.

do that. As far asIcan

remember, his

foot slipped on the ladder. He just went down and it killed him. Jon:

Isay, "you've been feeling" guilt and

So, you've been feeling guilt and anger. This language is in response anger. to his idea that he is guilty and he

angry. I don't want him identiiying his "self" with guilt and anger, so I back it away from you" (his "self) by calling guilt and anger feelings that he has had. They become something he had, not something

he is. Protecting identity is of great value.

o jON CONNLY

154

Josh:

That's a piece of it. Also, | cussed God. I still do sometimes. What kind of God would let that happen?

Many people who

grow up in religion

have the belief thattif

they are good, then their life will be good. His beliof is thal God stopped serving and

For years, I've kept what really protecting him when it was mo

happened to myself. l blamed myself important.

and I wouldn't really tell my sisters what happened. So much that the cops questioned me as if lhad killed him or something. Of course, the evidence was against that, so they backed off. Jon:

Do you have a spiritual or religious perspective?

Josh:

Jon:

Yes, Iwent to church with my father all the time, but not since this happened. Different people might have very different reactions to this same event.

Although we can't change things that happened, we can change the way the mind reacts to those things. When your mind wants you to do something other than what you're

doing. it makes you feel bad. Your mind has been making you feel bad to get you to do something that you don't need to do. You didn't know that, so you didn't respond to it. Josh: Jon:

Okay. Unconscious figured, okay, then go ahead and get them to be different. Unconscious wants you to do something and the way it gets you to do it is by making you feel bad. If it wants you to keep doing something, it

makes you feel good. Your mind has been making you feel bad for a long time. Josh:

Eleven years

Jon:

I's been making you feel bad to get you to do something. It's not because it wants you to feel bad. Remember, it doesn't care how you feel. It doesn't

GRIEF IS NOT

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want you to feel angry and depressed It doesn't care whether you do. It only cares about what you do, and it's been trying to get you to do sonething for 11 vears. You didn't know that's what the

guilt has been for, so you didn't respond to it because that doesn't make any

logical sense. You didn't respond to it because you didn't understand what

was happening. Josh:

Jon:

How could 1?

Exactly. The pain has been because of the way your mind has been

responding. Your mind has been trying

to get it to not have happened. It's been trying to get you to do something that isn't possible. Do me a favor and get here ten minutes earlier than you did today. What's your answer?

Josh: Jon:

The statement " can't is usually a

| can't.

negative statement, but his strength in the way he is saying it is teaching It's a clear, definite answer. You can't, mind that it is okay so you don't have to. You can't get his unconscious here a minute earlier. Now, I'm going

to tell you to do something. Get here I a second earlier. You say, "l can't, so don't have to." Josh: Jon:

Ican't, so Idon't have to.

There you go. Okay. Here we go. Eleven years ago, Dad was climbing up a ladder. You climb that ladder instead so that he doesn't have to.

Josh: Jon:

I can't, so Idon't have to. Bingo. Climb that ladder 11 years ago

- that way he won't have to. Josh:

Jon:

I can't, so Idon't have to. Good.

Right? Josh:

Yeah.

Totally clear.

Makes sense.

to not be able to change something.

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156

Jon:

Josh: Jon:

You carry the Here we go again. have to. won't he supplies, that way I can't, so Idon't have to.

Okay. Now you know how to answer it and you've been heard. Check for the

guilt feeling. Josh:

It's gone.

Jon:

You realize your foot is something that belongs to you, but it isn't you. It's not that youare a foot; it's that you've got a foot. Repeat these words. Say, "I've got an ass."

Josh:

I've got an ass.

Jon:

I'm not an asS.

Josh:

I'm not an ass.

Jon:

There you go.

Josh:

You're a funny guy.

Jon:

You have a foot; you're not a foot. You

have an ass; you're not an ass. You have a body; you're not a body. Let's figure that who you actually are isn't your ass or your foot, but your essence is something entirely different.

There was a time when you see

something outdoors that is beyond

beautiful.

It's awesome, like

whoa!

The thing completely captures you. What comes to mind? Josh: Jon:

A sunrise.

Okay.

A sunrise.

there's excitement.

At that moment,

There's

peace.

There's nothing else, not even you. t's just that. Josh:

Jon:

Ifelt like that when my twins were born. Bingo. At that moment that your twins

CRIEF IS NOT

SACRED

were born, your

157

awareness went

in

toward who you actually are.

Abe vou actually are isn't your foot or vour ass. Who you actually are te that and that peace. excitement The same feeling that was there when our twins were bom, that's you. You are indestructible. Your father

This process causes to elevate his experience of Josh his "self" trom someone defined by quilt regret to someone who is definedand by

excitement and peace.

didn't go anywhere, but there was a transformation. The transformation was shocking and traumatizing for vou. That trauma put your connection with your father out of reach so that

you weren't experiencing it.

Your

connection with your father was not shattered. Your experience of the connection was shattered by the trauma. Josh: Jon:

Yes, Isee.

Your continued connection with Vour dad becomes more and more apparent. Your love for him didn't go anywhere. His love for you didn't go anywhere. Your perception of it

changed. It's kind of like a guy looks up at the sun and he says, "Oh, man! No

sun today?" The woman next to him says, "You know, it's still there. There's a cloud. You're not seeing it. It doesn't

mean there's no sun." This trauma left this huge cloud, and the cloud has

blocked the ongoing connection you and your father will always have. You haven't been seeing, experiencing or feeling the connection with Dad, but take a moment and check it out

now. He's excited about what you're

getting. He's excited about this pain no longer being there. The guilt which came from that distorted thing going on between parts of the mind isn't there and he's glad for you as you feel at

ease and peaceful and clear, as he is. Are you with me?

Josh:

One hundred percent.

Now that guilt has been cleared, I want Josh to connect with his dad and with his God for what l believe are his best interests.

..o JON CONNELLY

158

Jon:

Josh: Jon:

controlling you Allof this distortion was puppet. the waya hand controls a

Iget it. dysfunction. Our minds are prone to look around Not just yours. If you Why is it the globe, it's everywhere. mechanism happening? Because the of that are part of each of these units flawed. We've these bigger units is fixed that.

Josh:

Jon:

therapy, All the other times I've tried difference. nothing they did made any not even Idon't feel bad anymore. 'm you so Thank sure what happened. much.

It's my pleasure.

Client Comment

11 Iseriously suffered with the grief from my father passingin for about somehow, years. I don't know how Dr. Connelly did it, but an hour, he fixed me. It just felt like we were two dudes hanging out. It's like l had this constant feeling of guilt hanging over me that is completely gone now.

NOT SACRED oGRIEFIS

159

JOYCE because, after more Joycecame to see me husband died and left her behind. her

Jon:

than a decade, she

continued to feel betrayed that

Please help me understand what you've been Concerned about that motivated

you

to

Come

and

get

together with me. Joyce:

It's been 11 years since my husband's passing and, as soon as Ithink of him. my eyes tear up. I get mad at him

sometimes. He left me. Jon:

What's his name?

Joyce:

Dave.

Jon:

What do you believe happens to

Joyce:

people after they pass?

Idon't know. That they've gone to

the Lord if they've been good. Inever really thought much of it. This last year was the first time in 11 years Iwas able to look at a picture of my husband. Il look at it and then Iput it away because

Istart crying. Jon:

Tell me something about Dave that This is a good way to start. This

was annoying.

Joyce: Jon:

intense grief then a question about

I was the one with the temper if we had what she most treasured about him. arguments. If you had a temper with him, then it

must be because he is annoying.

Joyce:

Jon:

question is less likely to trigger

understand grief as coming from someone's perception that Well, maybe he was late for something. COonnection was lost. Ispeak of Tnere were little things like that. | Dave in present tense to begin mean, IT we were supposed to go reestablishing the connection. Someplace, to a wedding or something like that...

That can be frustrating when you're all ready to get somewhere.

160

jON CONNELY

Joyce:

Imean, we didn't have a perfect:

marriage. You know? It wasn't al wine and roses.

Ijust loved him so

much.

I can feel how much love you have for

Jon:

Rather than "had

Dave. Ican sense that. Ican feel it in the air.

Joyce:

Tjust feel very angry because he swore

we'd go together. Jon:

How did it happen?

Joyce:

His heart.

Jon:

Do you think maybe he could have continued to be alive if he really had

|am

asking to learn more what she means when she about said "He left me."

wanted to?

Joyce:

Ithink if there was a way, he would want to live.

Jon:

Absolutely! If there was any way to stay with you, he would have done that. His body just stopped working

even though he wanted very much Ibelieve that if Ican get her to to be growing old with you and to believe he had no choice, it might be with you through these times in reduce her anger. | sense that your life to share them with you. That's what he was wanting to do. Joyce:

Why did he have to die? [Said with lots of anger]

Jon:

The reason he died was because he

really didn't want to die and yet, this

part of his body just stopped working

on him.

Joyce:

It sure did. He was getting out of the car and he was reaching in the back for something. He leaned over the seat top and that's where my son found him. He puled him out on the ground and gave him CPR, but he was

already gone. Jon:

Dave didn't want that to happen.

anger fuels her emotional pain.

SACRED

NOT GRIEFIS

161

Oh, no. Idon't think so. Joyce: Jon:

No. He didn't want to be propped up there in the car and have his son trying to bring his body back to life and not be able to.

Joyce:

It was hard on Our son. | don't think

Icried that first year.

really can't

remember, but Idon't thinkIdid. You've been mad at him. Jon:

Joyce:

oh, boy, yes. He made me a promise

we'd go together.

Jon:

You know what that was? That was Shifting it from a promise to his

Joyce:

You'd have liked him, Jon. [She has softened.J

Jon:

his very deepest hope.

Isense him right here, andIdo like him.

deepest hope makes her feel lifted rather than betrayed.

Grief is experienced as a lack of Connection with the loved person. I facilitate connection and the sense

Joyce:

Why can't Isense him? Am Ichasing of loss disappears. him away?

Jon:

You haven't done anything wrong. It's not about expressing the anger

What happened was such a shock.in order to "let it out". It is about

It's time for you to let him know why : bringing beliefs that have been you have been so angry at him. He can controlling herintothe light so there

Joyce: Jon:

hear you right nowW. Tell hinm.

can be resolution.

Why did you have to die? Why?

She has been feeling like he left her. She has responded as if he did

What he said was, "lwas just reaching it on purpose. The words Igive her

for something and then it got me, and

answer her questions, eliminating

my heart stopped."

frustration and fear.

Tell Dave about how angry you have been at him.

Joyce:

'm just angry because he died so

quick, so fast. And yet, Iwas at peace later that I know he didn't suffer. I didn't have to be running to the hospital every day to watch him with a bunch of tubes in him.

She doesn't tell Dave. Instead, she tells me. At this moment, she feels that I have greater connection with Dave than she does. So, instead of

speaking to him, she tells me hOW she's feeling so that Ican let nim

know.

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162

Jon:

Joyce: Jon:

Joyce:

Jon:

He really didn't want that.

Ithought maybe Ididn't take good care of him.

He doesn't understand how you could have taken better care of him. Ishould have watched his eating, his exercise. Maybe Ilet him go golf too much. He's a golf fanatic.

He thinks that's silly. You were just

perfect. Golf was good for him.

Joyce:

Oh, wow.

Jon:

I'm really feeling him.

Joyce:

Boy, I'm getting jealous.

Jon:

Just say something to him.

Joyce:

Ilove you, Dave.

Jon:

He is answering you right now.

Joyce:

Ifeel something here. [She touches her chest.]

Jon:

Joyce: Jon:

Joyce:

What are you sensing? I don't feel the pain now.

What's he saying? Tlove you, Babe.

Jon:

Yes. That's it.

Joyce:

ljust feel different

Jon:

What are you sensing?

Joyce: Jon:

Joyce:

Peace. Yes.

Ihaven't felt this peaceful in a long time.

I'm implying that he will hear her.

GRIEF IS NOT

Jon:

Joyce: Jon:

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163

You can be at peace now. Dave has i always been right there with you. Watching over me?

Hedidn't disappear. He's as present Although | don't actively dispute her

as he ever was. He's Closer now thought that he's watching over her, +han he used to be able to get when | think the notion of being watched he had a body. Over can be disturbing and isnt

particularly comforting. I, therefore, provideda different view. Joyce:

Oh. Jon! I hope this feeling never The experience of loss has been

leaves. (She looks peaceful. Her replaced by the experience of breathing has slowed.] There are so connection. many things Iwant to do now.

Jon:

Joyce: Jon:

Joyce:

Tell me.

I want to do my artwork that Ihaven't

touched in 10 years. Yes.

Ifeel if Ido, then maybe I'll get closer to him.

Jon:

Joyce: Jon:

He's already right here. He's closer than your skin. Iloved him so much. He loves you so much. Close your

eyes. He really loves you. Joyce:

That's all | wanted all my life - just Someone to love me.

Jon:

He really loves you. He's touching I associate him with a breeze, with you, with you, always there. Now a sound, with sensory things that you can hear him and feel him.

are often present. Because she has

Sometimes there will be a breeze been missing his physical presence, and, oh, boy, it's him. There will be by offering her an alternative sensory a sound and it's him.

Joyce:

Oh, my darling. [Whispered to Dave]

Jon:

He's right here. He loves you so much. A gate has opened. He's finally able to reach you.

experience of him, she finds a way to understand his presence.

JON CONNELLY

164

Joyce:

It's stopped hurting.

Jon:

You are doing a great job.

Joyce:

Ifeel different.

Jon:

You did good today.

Joyce: Jon:

headache l Idon't have that horrible

always have after Icry.

Things are different now, Joyce.

You are a beautiful person and |

enjoyed being with you. Joyce:

Thank you, Jon.

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165

KATHY

.eholovedhorse died. Then, the only remaining horse was removed from her stable. on toarieving for her horse, this

In nas interfered with her intention to run an equine therapy

business.

Jon:

Help me understand what has been

Kathy:

Well, my horse of 27 years died last week, and the owner of her partner took that horse away today. Not only

happening for you?

are they gone now, but I have no way

to do equine therapy without them. I feel pretty lost. Jon:

What is your horse's name?

Kathy:

My horse's name was Peanut.

Jon:

'd like to hear about Peanut.

Kathy:

Well, she was amazing. Idon't really know how to describe her. She was

only two when I first got her; she was 28 when she died. Ireally never dreamed when Igot her that I would end up using her for therapy. That was not the path Iwas on. My ife has shifted in many ways. lwould have people come and l'd have a massage table in the round pen where the horses would come and

transformation would happen. Things Would happen with people. She was

the most loving, present being Ithink I've ever experienced.

Jon:

Wow.

Kathy:

The pain is so fresh right now.

Jon:

There is so much love.

Kathy:

For the first time in almost ten years, there are no horses here. That hasn't hit me yet because the other horse

was taken from me this morning. lam

really upset. That horse's owner knew

that Peanut just died, but he didn't

Grief is caused by the mind trying to reestablish the experience of Connection. Irefer to the horse in present tense to begin causing the

experience of connection again.

o |ON CONNELLY

166

care. He gave me no notice; just took her away. It really blindsided me. Jon:

Tell me about these horses.

Kathy:

They really did work as a team. The other horse has a diferent energy, more of the guardian of the space, so

to-speak. That's how Iwould describe her. She would be there, but Peanut was the one that would actually Come and just hover over people. She knew

places on the body where people were not feeling good. Icould give you an example of a friend of mine who had lost a kidney. Whenever she would come and I had her out on the table,

that horse would go right to that side

where that one kidney was removed. She would just amaze me. Jon:

What a wonderful thing you put together, combining different healing modalities so atfully. The amazing and loving presence, that incredible energy that you were and are such

a part of is such awonderful thing. The energy that manifests and

animates Peanut is her. The energy is here. Peanut is here. That deep pain that you've experienced has interfered

with your ability to sense her energy since she passed.

Kathy:

lagree. For a little while last weekend, I couldn't sense her, but Ihave more in the last 24 hours. It seems like she's

coming back. Jon:

Your connection is ongoing and just as strong as ever was. She is able to sense the kidney even when it's no

longer physically present. She doesn't

need to be physically present for us to sense her. Her ability to show up as a

healer does not depend on her brain or her skin or her body. Our ability to sense her does

not

depend on her

brain or her body. She's right here.

GRIEFIS Kathy: Jon:

NOT SACRED o167

Wow! You're right. My goodness! Ifeel Peanut. That's very comforting. Nobody ever got more than you, You

e aood at As you share notam suggesting that perception is her healing sharing. Because she has felt power, the more you loss, reality. it doesn't mean that there has aive, the more you have. You share actually been loss. her essence with the world that so badly needs it. WVhere you are, she is. You can't get closer than that.

Kathy:

She is here. She was nudging me like she did with her nose. Ifelt her. Istill feel her. I know she's with me. Yeah. it's cool.

Jon:

Now, for a moment, sense the anger you feel toward the man that just took the other horse.

Kathy: Jon:

Okay, I feel it.

It's understandable that you would feel anger, but Ithink you will be better off without that. Think this way. If a rock is cracked and you see the crack, and

: I get her buy-in by comparing the man who took his horse back with a cracked rock. Both the words

"cracked" and "rock" are insulting somebody says to you, "t cracked the things to compare a person to. It wrong way," you realize that the crack works because she's so angry at that actually happened is the one that him. It connects to her because of is there. Sometimes rocks get cracked. the anger and yet, dissolves the Sometimes people are cracked. The anger. How angry can you be at a guy who took your horse is cracked. cracked rock or at a person who

functions on the same level as a cracked rock?

Kathy:

Yes, he is cracked.

Jon:

Without compassion, he doesn't have the privilege of experiencing life in three dimensions.

To

a two-dimensional

creature looking at a beach ball from the side, the ball looks like a line. You look at the same beach ball and say,

"Look! It's big. It's round. Ican throw it in the air and catch it." Creature says,

"Yes, Isee you're able to move the line and that, as you do, it gets shorter

and then longer." You can get mad at

Creature and say, "What's the matter with you? Can't you see it's a ball?" But a two-dimensional creature says,

joN CONNELY

168

"No, all|can see is a line." He says that because he has limitations.

Kathy:

Correct.

Jon:

However, you would far prefer to have Anger is in response to perea: the experience that you've had than threat. As I bring her to the experience that he's had because realize that she is better off than he's had an experience devoid of he is, it reduces the threat

attention

compassion and never got to see the therefore, reduces the anger whole ball.

Kathy:

Okay.

Jon:

Now, some of the stories you heard as a child may have involved an angry witch that would transform people into things like frogs. Ifyou were angry at Someone, you might be angry, but you might not want to turn that individual

into a frog or into a two-dimensional

creature that can't see the sun and only sees the line, or an individual devoid of Compassion. So,

in

this

particular

encounter,

although you don't like how it went, it was significantly better for you than him. There's nobody you're mad enough at that you would turn into a being devoid of compassion - not even

him. So, you're not even mad enough

at him to cause him to be himself, which doesn't leave you very mad at all.

Kathy:

Oh, my goodness!

Jon:

Check for the anger.

Kathy:

I don't feel it.

Jon:

Check for the grief.

Kathy:

I's gone. It's gone.

Jon:

Yeah.

Kathy:

This is amazing.

and,

GRIEF

Jon:

Kathy:

IS NOT

SACRED o

So. my friend, that's what there was for us to get done today.

Thank you. This was amazing.

Client Comment

Hi there. My name's Kathy and I had a pretty huge loss last vear. wwont to see Dr. Connelly tor two things - one was grief and the

other was anger. The anger was at a stuation that happened as a result of this loss. I was trying to help myself by looking at it differently, and ljust couid not get past the rage that Ifelt towards this particular person in regard to this loss.

So. Imet with Dr. Connelly and the first thing he did was he helped

me immensely with the grief and to see a different perspective using his techniques. Iasked him to help me with the anger because lcould not get past it. I think because it was so strong. was probably part of the grief I was feeling as well. And that was the thing that Iwas totally amazed at. This transformation

was miraculous because, even to this day, Icannot bring up the anger. Do Iever want to see this person again? No, but I do not have the amount of energy that was enraged in anger. It was gone and it was like, "Whoa!" So, I'm sold on it. I don't know

exactly what happened and I don't really care. Ijust know that it's not there and it was amazing.

169

JON CONNELLY

170

KEVIN

Kevin was a 47-year-old police detective who was recently bereaved and questionine t

spirituality, He was dealing with emotional and physical issues and had been preoccupied wil

pain, guilt and resentment.

Jon:

Iknow there were some things you wanted to talk with me about.

Most people realize that something that has a negative effect on

emotions

Kevin:

and

thoughts,

Over Ihave troubles with my stomach and time, may negatively affect tho neck. I am frequently nervous. also body. Likewise, some things that can positively affect the body wil have troutble sleeping. positively impact the mind, such as

exercising or getting a massage. It is not as well known, however, that

having a positive effect on the mind

will also positively affect the body.

Individuals who think about mind body connections are more prone

to be looking for and encouraging

an

introspective

understanding

of the psychological cause of a

medical issue. Iprefer to ask the mind to select something that, as

tis heard, will promote additional

health. Both questions may eliit the

same answer, but the way that the answer is viewed by the mind will be

significantly different. One explains the cause and the other organizes

the mind toward the solution.

Kevin:

"Sleep easily, feel calm, You would like to sleep easily, feel In saying,healthy, comfortable and calm and be healthy, comfortable and be at ease," I'm demonstrating my and at ease. understanding of what he has shared with me and I'm doing it That's exactly what Iwant.

Jon:

Our time together will be driven by

Jon:

to dress in away that enables me mind. unconscious Commands to his

what we together intend for you. Something will come to mind for us to speak about. It will be an experience

As we think about these things together, energy will be released improvements. to fuel changes and

What we will do together is designed

to shift his mind as opposed

GRIEF IS NOT

SACRED o 171

vOuhad that was

troubling. As we think producing an understanding. aboutittogether, energy will bereleased Simply having an understanding doesn't to fuel the and changes

improvements

that we are both intending for you. Kevin:

What l'm going back to is my freshman

vear in college. Iknow that my neck pain started somewhere in there. I

think it was spring semester. I had been involved in a youth group before college and got involved in what | thought was a similar groupin college. It was very condemning. It's like

somebody controls your beliefs about God and existence in the world. It

was really scary. At the time, Iblamed myself. Iwas very critical of myself. It was my entire fault. Jon:

What was?

Kevin:

I wasn't good enough. Iwasn't a good enough Christian.

Jon:

| want to be clear on what you're

saying. Kevin:

Somehow, I felt like Iwas supposed to be strong and trusting and faithful. I had questions and doubts.

Later, intellectually, I thought, "Good thing Itossed out the whole mess." But, at the time, I remember, for instance, they would have their meetings on

Friday night when everybody else Would be going out with their friends. Iwould go to the group meetings and then to the chapel. Iwould go and I

would just sob. Ijust really kind of beating myself up emotionally. They made me feel guilty about everything. Jon:

Kevin:

Tell me. Tjust kind of look back at me sitting on this stone-cold floor of that chapel and the kind of grief, remorse and sadness that Ifelt at the time...and the guilt.

cause change.

-o JON CONNELLY

172

Jon:

What about it bothers you now?

Kevin:

It bothers me that I let myself get taken Over.

Jon:

When a person describes and explains an experience, if the

listener is empathetic, there is a They were very influential people, and tendency to believe that what is

you were a young man.

said is actually what Kevin says, "I bothers happened. me that let myself get taken over." His mind has attached meaning based on his prior experiences and prior ways of thinking. I hear what Kevin is saying

as only a perspective rather than a

reality. Idon't believe he let himself

get taken over. Kevin:

They took something that had been When Kevin says.

"They took good in my life, twisted it and made itsomething that had been good in a bad thing.

Jon:

my life, twisted it and made it a bad

thing," I mention that the people

You have an open mind. Those who did this acted out of ignorance

ignorant people were certain they were instead of evil because, in that correct, and they outnumbered you. T way, the anger begins to fade. As he says that he hates that anyone understand what you are telling me. Could have that kind of influence

Kevin:

Jon:

Ihate that anyone could have that kind on him, the anger is referred to in the present tense as if it's of influence on me. happening now. To me, this means They have no influence over that the threat that he could be you. They never will. You are influenced and taken over is being much stronger than you were and experienced now. By saying, "They surviving it makes you stronger have no influence over you. They never will," the threat disappears, still. and he has a different picture of

Kevin:

Right.

.Jon:

So, as you think about it, what comes

up? Kevin: Jon:

Kevin:

Ihave a different picture. Tell me.

| look down seeing myself and that

self is no longer knotted up. It's more relaxed. Jon:

Yes, you have a more complete recollection.

what happened.

GRIEFIS

NOTSACRED O173

That's right. Kevin:

What do you notice as you think about Jon:

that?

It's not as powerful. Kevin:

Does it disturb you at all? Jon:

Kevin: Jon:

Kevin:

Idon't feel the disturbance.

Are you able to be angry about things that don't threaten or disturb you? No, Idon't think So. What was their motivation?

Jon:

believe anger

is a

response

to a

perceived threat. Hence, when I say, "Are you able to be angry about things that don't threaten or disturb you?" my intent is to set it up so that the anger disappears. I continue by saying that the group who had caused this hurt to him were doing So because of the way that their minds viewed things, and that their

actions, in spite of being harmful, were positively intended and even made sense within their belief

system. The anger is eliminated because they pose no threat and

never will and because they were

well-meaning. Kevin:

Well, that was their version of By having the threat eliminated, he is then able to access a positive witnessing and saving people. memory, one of feeling secure.

Jon:

Did they think that they were saving people from eternal damnation?

Kevin:

Something along those lines, yeah.

Jon:

They thought it was best for you.

Kevin:

Yeah. I think, in their own way, they did.

Jon:

Tell me.

Kevin:

Well, they did that without asking me.

Jon:

They didn't think you knew.

Kevin:

Right. They just imposed.

-o JON CONNELILY

174

Jon:

Right. Did they think it was the best thing for you?

Kevin:

Yes, they did.

Jon:

Didn't they think you were way off track?

Kevin:

Yes.

Jon:

Didn't they think it would be best for you to get you on track?

Kevin:

Uh huh.

Jon:

Did they think youshould have been

consulted about what to do to be on track?

Kevin:

No.

Jon:

They didn't think you would know.

Kevin: Jon:

Right. Did they do what they thought would be

the best thing in order to save, not your life, but something they considered far more precious? Kevin:

Yeah.

Jon:

Can you be angry with them for that As Itell him to try to be angry and he fails in being able to do so, now?

it drives in that a transformation

Kevin:

No, it's amazing that my picture of has taken place. them shifted.

Jon:

Kevin: Jon:

Kevin:

Jon:

Try to be angry with them.

I can't. This means that, on some very deep The understanding that there iS no affirmed by level, younow realize you got away. threat now is further

the declarative, "You got away." Wow! Ijust want to breathe. It feels This shifts his body's response like there's openness. from defending against a threat to healing. This should improve the physical complaints he described Now, youare open. when we met.

GRIEF Kevin:

SACREDo. ISNOT

**.*.

175

It goes allthe way down. Yes.

Jon:

Kevin:

Jon:

Kevin:

Jon:

lean really breathe fully. It usually feels Kevin says that he usually feels like like I'm trying to get enough air. he can't get enough air. When the Vou made it. You're on solid ground. brain perceives threat and triggers sympathetic nervous system the brain causes the body toactivity, bring t feels like Icould just continue opening more oxygen and more glucose into the bloodstream and up. causes the heart to beat more rapidly in order Absolutely. Do you think that someone to increase what's being culd convince you that feeling horrible to the cells. Breathing is delivered sped up about yourself is the best way to So that there is more oxygen. But as spiritually be in a good place? breathing speeds up, the amount of carbon dioxide being released will also increase and this affects the pH level of the bloodstream and,

Kevin:

No.

Jon:

What if someone repeated it over and ironically, causes the feeling that Over? one is not getting enough Oxygen.

Kevin:

It wouldn't matter. Ican never again be convinced of that.

Jon:

Knowledge is power, and you are an Im continuing to tell Kevin things that

expert. Kevin: Jon: Kevin:

Jon:

consciously he has already been

aware of, but now his subconscious That's right. mind also hears these things. I go on to prove that this can never happen What do you think? again by asking if anyone could convince him now of the things Thave grown from it in a lot of ways. I he had been persuaded by then. can move forward and use it as a tool The perceived weakness has now rather than a liability. transformed into the experience of strength. He acknowledges this by

Yes. You're right. Something else will saying, have grown from this in come to mind that, as we think of itmany ways and can use it as a tool together and it clears, it will lead to i rather than a liability."

health, well-being and clarity. Kevin:

Well, here we go into a can of

Worms again - my whole existential awareness. Ihad this security before

then of knowing that I had this belief

of this kind of good God. Then, good God became punishing God. I've had trouble getting that perception out of my

mind even though | don't intellectually agree with it, especially since Ijust lost

176

-o jON CONNELLY my dad. That really brought it back. I think it's brought about questions, the questions you ask when somebody dies about where they are now. Is he okay?

Jon:

Kevin:

Have you been thinking he's not okay?

Well, you know, you always have your

The

word

"thinking" enables

me my demonstrate understanding without abuy-in.

to

Worst fears. Jon: Kevin:

Jon:

Kevin:

Kevin believes that the idea that there was a punishing God further the turmoilsurrounding exacerbated Ithink my worst fear would be ultimate his father's passing. I begin aloneness, non-existence. Kevin's experience of what withhe Like?

believes is going on for his father presently, and he mentions, existence. ultimate aloneness, non-existence... forever gone. Okay, that's true, but it's that "forever gone" thing. Unfortunately, the way human minds One can't be alone and also not in

attempt to understand is to attach

meaning to events. The meaning attached to events that have been painful often makes these events even mnore painful. Jon:

Kevin:

Forever is not a real thing. It is a lsay, "Forever is not a real thing. It is not anything that could be Concept. found anywhere." Kevin isnt fully convinced of that. Therefore, I Yes, Iguess. [Looking away] make the sharp statement, Well, I'm not sure you're convinced of that.

then

Kevin:

I'm not.

Jon:

Well, then don'tYes" me. [Smiling])

manner. It engages him in what we are doing right nowW and away from the theoretical. | say, "Don't patronize me," which is light and

Kevin:

It makes some sense.

Jon:

Don't patronize me. [Smiling]

Kevin:

I'm not. What you're saying could be true. I'll give you that.

Jon:

Your father is not suffering.

Jon:

Kevin:

don't

yes' me." It's said

with a smile and in a lighthearted

Imiss some connection to something

beyond. It's like Ithrew out everything and Ihaven't got anything.

unexpected for the roles that we are in. Therefore, it is attention grabbing and amusing.

NOTSACRED o-.

GRIEFFIS

Jon:

177

You discarded what you've been able Kevin misses the determine doesn't have value for with aloving God. Now,of you, and nobody can sell you on is no on guard punishing God. You're not afraid ahe of belief longer against the a about you are open to that, so God. So, he can with a loving God or other spiritual of again become open to a feeling with aloving God. perspectives.

connection

punishing

connection

connection

Kevin:

Yes, Ithink that's what's

been holding lve been hyper

me back in a way. critical. Iwant to be open without being hurt.

Yes. the critical was good for a while. Jon:

Wasn't it?

Kevin:

That protected me.

Jon:

Kevin:

Yes. And as you think of it now? Idon't have to be on guard.

Jon:

That's right. What comes to mind about

Kevin:

The last day, the pain, the agitation and

Jon:

Go ahead.

Kevin:

He was suffering, and he was having delusions and hallucinations that day.

your father?

the bad part. Iwant to tell you.

The day before, he had some normal

thoughts. We knew it was in the brain.

He was really agitated. He was asking me to give him medication and | was

trying to draw it, but my hand was

shaking and I couldn't. Then, just before Igave him the injection, he said, "No, itl kill me." I went ahead

anyway. He had been irational. Igave

him the morphine and some Valium. Those were his last words. Jon:

What have you been thinking about that?

Kevin:

Well, Ifelt like he wasn't ready to go and that I...

experience

..o |ON CONNELIY

178

Jon: Kevin:

Yes?

Ikilled him.

Jon:

[Immediate and decisive] You didn't kill him.

Kevin:

The doctor saidI could give as much medication as Ithought he needed. I was so scared he would wake up and be out of control and knowing there was no good end in sight. It was just getting worse. He was just getting more agitated.

Jon:

It is done. His body has stopped.

Kevin:

Iliked when you said that it was his body that had stopped because his body had become a bad thing.

Jon:

Kevin:

That's right, Kevin. What's troubling you about this?

been

It goes back kind of to the thing the group was imposing on me - something Ididn't want. If that was a conscious choice of his to refuse the medication because he wanted to live, then I violated his rights and chose for him. It was hard to tell because he wasn't

rational anymore. He hadn't been

rational all day. Maybe telling me not to give him the medication was his rational moment. Jon:

No, Kevin. If he were rational, he wouldn't have said not to.

Kevin:

If he was rational, he would probably

Jon:

have said, "I'm dying. Let me go." That's right. You gave medication to

relieve his suffering. That was the right

thing to do. It was the loving thing for you to do for your father. Your father is not suffering. Kevin:

Yes, Isee that now. Iremember the

day of his memorial service. That

IS GRIEF

NOT.SACRED

O-.. 179

celebration of his life. I: Because Ihave playfuly had calls and letters from people for and credibility, the weeks after, saying that it was the statement, "Your father is not mostinspirational thing and "that was Ë though it just what your father wanted." Even runs to contrary other wasn't it there, was like webeliefs. though he Kevin's been living with the He wasn't that his spirit. caught really feeling he killed his own that father person that Sunday night. He was just and that what he did to his father so much more free and alive, was as hurtful as what was day was a

reengaged connection suffering,"is acceptedeven

long-standing

What's that like? Jon:

Kevin: Jon:

Kevin: Jon:

It's better.

Try to feel guilty. There is no guilt, none at all.

Try to be afraid.

him.

done to

Kevin's brain had been

perpetually and urgently yelling out, "Stop making your father dead," and "Stop doing to your father what was done to you." There is little wonder that his body has been hurting. In addition, since intelligent humans are likely to find similarity even in things that are very different, his mind then brought the idea of "similar" to "same" Kevin's mind began to see his giving his father that injection as the same as what

Kevin:

Idon't have anything to be afraid of.

Jon:

Check out your breathing.

Kevin:

It's better.

Jon:

Check out your stomach.

Kevin:

It's better, yeah, much better. It's realy accepted as what is, even when it easy to breathe. My neck is better. T Contradicts prior beliefs. Therefore, feel lighter. when Isay, "You gave medication to relieve his suffering. That was the

the group of people that Kevin found SO oppressive did. With credibility

and connection, what I say is

Jon:

Kevin:

You did a great job today. Does it feel right thing to do. It was the loving complete? thing for you to do for your father," Kevin's mind takes this in, and he Yes. Thank you. This has been notices an immediate and rather wonderful. dramatic shift in the way his body feels.

When he realizes that he wasn't

doing anything to his father like what was done to him and that

he was actually responding to his father's wishes, the preoccupation stops. With energy freed, his body can become more comfortable.

180

-o JON CONNELLY

Client Comment

Atthe time of the six-month follow-up interview, Kevin shared that his state of mind had greatly improved and the problems with his neck and stomach had not returned. He said he feels that he has become

spiritual rather than religious and this works in asatisfying way for him.

GRIEFIS

NOT SACRED O..

181

KRISTIN

This transcnipt is reproduced from my first book, "Life Changing Conversations."

Kristin

deliver a TED Talk (The wentonto later TEDXRainier). Kristin's session was life changing for her. Power of Words: Kristin Rivas at old when we met. She had been having seizures Kristin was 22 years andmeneeded walk wilhacane and wear a helmet for protection. Her father called me and told she had to

Life-Changing

been receiving expert medical and psychological treatment for seizures, nightmares, anxiety world-renowned Mayo Clinic for the past eleven months with no depressionatthe and positive results. Jon:

Kristin:

lam dlad to meet you. What shouldË Our meeting begins with the we get done?

expectation and plan that this will be getting something done that

Isont to learn how to deal with has value. It is a strong emotions because l realize than "working" on different set up which that the physical symptoms I have seems to imply notsomething, getting it done. are from repressed stress. When the Mayo Clinic diagnosed me with conversion disorder, they put me on Klonopin. I have seen some reduction in my symptoms, but

they still happen, particularly if I get stressed. Istart having tics or

twitching or Istart having seizures. My whole body jerks uncontrollably and it's really awful. I don't know what to do. I get really angry and

extremely afraid. Ihad to drop out of school, and Ican't work. I can't go out to a store. I can't watch a television show. Ican never take a step backwards. All of these things

trigger the seizures. Idon't want to live like this. Jon:

I'm excited to collaborate withWet her know I anm familiar with you on these issues and get what she has been expeniencing things working in a better way. Iiand excited about collaborating understand there have been very with her, which increases her

disturbing physical symptoms as sense of security and adds to my well as strong and painful emotions. credibility.

Kristin:

| am

emotionally

responding to what we are doing

Istill have strong emotions about in the moment rather than what

things from my past. So, things that she is describing. What we are

happen remind me of them and I doing is fine. Istay present and feel those same things and Istill bring her into the present with don't know how to deal with them. me. Ijusttry to stay away from it rather than deal with it. I try to listen to

o |ON CONNELLY

182

music or distract myself because

I'm afraid. If Itry to deal with these

things, Ihave nightmares or l lash

out. Ifeel out of control and l get

really, really depressed. Jon:

You told me you want to learn

to

deal with strong emotions. I

would prefer to clear those painful

Kristin:

emotions away so that you don't have to deal with them. You've seen | want Kristin to realize that Sho counselors or therapists, right? in the right place and with the right person to get resolution. | take |believe four now. responsibility for creating the change by saying I intend to get it done for her. Most often, burden

the client with thecOunselors of responsibility getting better. My intention is that

she is light and at ease rather than heavy and burdened so that I take on the burden myself. She has been

thinking, and probably been told, that

she has to deal with these painful

emotions in order to get better.|

disagree. People don't get better by experiencing emotions about

something that is not happening.

She has been experiencing an emotional response to something that isn't happening. Right from the beginning, the experience is different from other therapists she has seen.

Jon:

Kristin:

And they had you talk a lot about Telling her what happened to her yourself and they asked you many when she went to other therapists is amusing to her and it continues questions. to build my credibility. It also distinguishes what will be happening Yes. That is exactly what happened. in our meeting from previous things that were not effective.

Jon:

Let's break with that tradition. I'II talk about how Iview things so you and Tcan be looking through the same lens before we get to anything else that has been going on for you. This will be interesting for you to learn about. Don't try applying these things

By saying our meeting will break with tradition, Kristin realizes our meeting will be different than the others. We will be doing things differently and getting different things done. I don't want her to thinK of meeting with me as more OT he

GRIEF IS

NOT SACRED o183

Instead, make sure you and I don't want her deciding whether or not same life to of more should the same. I tell her the be apply this way of thinking to | we way you. Make sense? view things will be to yourself.

approve before

interesting

to her. I want her in things interested outside of herself and I want her interested in certainly what I'm to her. By asking her to describing not apply these things to things will move more quickly.herself, She is relieved of any responsibility apply what I am saying, hence, herto

Yes, it does. Kristin:

attention will

be

She will be moredirected outward. objective, which

eliminates distortion the In the

closer one

that is caused

is to

addition, objectivitysomething. emotional pain she hasrelieves been when she was looking experiencing at herself. It is my intention that she feel good

while she is with me and when she leaves.

Jon:

I'm not suggesting that what I'm telling When hearing anew way of thinking. VOu is the truth. Instead, 1l just be one may get bogged down trying to suggesting a view I think will be useful determine which is true, the old wav for here and now as we meet.

or the new way. Itook truth off the

table, so itwon't slow us down. Kristin:

Okay.

Jon:

Perfect. Most people think that thingsItell her astory that amuses her. I that happen cause feelings. A guy is describe a specific situation instead

standing in a lunch line. Another guy :of just a general concept, enabling comes over, gives him a shove and her to visualize it more easily. By says, "You can wait. I'm important." getting a sensory response as she The guy that just got shoved is madder sees and hears what l am describing, than a hatter, right? | am reaching her subconscious more effectively than I would with

Kristin: Jon:

Jon:

is intended to teach while being

People who see this think about funny and interesting. his anger as coming from what just happened to him. That way to think.

Kristin:

theories and generalities. The story

[Laughing] Iam sure he is.

Right.

the normal

| will be offering

a new way of

understanding things. So, I want Instead of thinking about it in the her to know that the way she has ordinary way, let's think that the guyibeen thinking of themup until now is IS angry because of how his mind normal. She has been dealing with people who have not been viewing processed information.

184

.o |ON CONNELLY

Kristin:

Okay.

Jon:

If we think his anger comes from how This moves her my his mind is processing information, you for her. l tell her painful emotione. will have more power. Then, I can disappear because this is adjust how your mind processes what | want her to | information and the painful suggest the problem resuted from emotions will disappear. how her mind processes and that's something thatinformation can shift

her as normalland she has viewing herself as normal.not been longed tto be normal | but is She break away from ordinary. ready to

toward intention

exactly experience.

Kristin:

Jon:

Iunderstand.

Since you've seen four therapists, By telling her what she has

you've probably been told that people experienced with other therapists are negatively affected by past events build credibility and Iseparate what

because emotions were strong and we will be doing from things that weren't expressed and, therefore, have not worked. haven't been released. You have been

told that the feelings need to be dealt with for you to get better. By "dealt

with," it was implied that you needed

to feel them and process them and get them out. Kristin:

Jon:

Yes. [Laughter] That is exactly what they have told me, but the feelings are So painful Ido my best to stay away from them. They tell me I am resistant.

Staying away from painful emotions Telling her that she is resistant indicates that youare intelligent, not causes her to resist. Telling her resistant. If you were resistant, you that she is not resistant causes her wouldn't have shown up. You do not to cooperate. It isn't useful to tell have to deal with painful emotions someone that he is resistant unless

to get better. No other life form ever you want him to resist you. tries to deal with its emotions. A hawk is

not trying to deal with her emotions or to release her feelings and hawks are

doing fine. When something happens that is very disturbing, terrifying,

weird, ugly, painful, whatever, it slams into awareness and can leave an

impression. Iam going to use a visual aid. [ grab a pillow and slam my hand

into it, leaving an impression.]

NNOTSACRED O... GRIEFIS

185

have an impression. You: The pilow is a between the handËIt clarifies the powerful metaphor. slamming and the hand print. the thing that difference between happened and the impression that it left, and that the Right. mind has not distinguished the two. She sees the between mind likely The deeper part of the right in front ofimpression her. Then, nfuse hand print with hand Ëdisappear tell her that I will get that done for doesn't know hand isn't her. No one slamming. It else has told her that slamming until we do this. [l move my they would get it for her and bondover the pillow and smÙoth away this lifts the burdendone from her the impression.] I will do this for you. Okay? And there we

difference see the

Kristin: Jon:

Kristin: Jon:

Kristin:

Jon:

Kristin: Jon:

Yes. [Nodding her head] The part of your mind that just caused

your head to nod is your subconscious. not your intellect. Did you know you were nodding your head?

When you pointed it out, Irealized it. but I didn't know l was doing it. Your

mind

is

advanced

Describing throwing these things

and down the stairs creates visual

complicated. If you take a hammer and images in her mind. These images throw it down the stairs and you go are funny, and they make what I'm

pick it up, it will work fine, but don't try Ësaying interesting. l am causing her this with your computer. Right? to be engaged and focused outside of herself. Since this is how lwant [Laughter] Right. her when she leaves, I cause her to experience it while she is with me. Your computer is much more likely to be damaged because your computer is much more complex. Our minds are much more complicated than our computers.

You need to take anew Toyota in for tune-ups more than you would need to take the hammer in for tune-ups. The Toyota is much more advanced

than an old-fashioned Model-T Ford. It's not only advanced, it's integrated so that all components work together. But, you know, the Toyota is all thought out before anybody starts building it. In other words, they don't build it and then, when they're done, decide to install an air conditioner. They thought

.o JON CONNELIY

186

the other of it before they started. If, on Ford and hand, you took a Model-T

new-fangled then you started putting in and a power devices like cruise control to screw that moon roof, you're goingbuilt to support thing up because it isn't minds those things. Unfortunately, our more It's are not built like a Toyota. black-and-white like an old-fashioned, television set with a phonograph and then

someone

attached

a

Blu-ray

player to it. Kristin: Jon:

interesting. Okay. I follow you. This is community Do you knowwhata planned it, building is? Before they started the on they designed it. For instance,

"Let's drawing board, they are saying, center the community

make sure in all the is here, where everybody surrounding places has access to it. be about And we want everybody to swimming the same distance from the it out pool and the park." They draw and plan it before they build it.

in On the other hand, let's say you're residential the city and there's ahuge area in one place and a workplace morning, in another location. Every residential people commute from the area to the work area and, every a evening, they travel back. There is have they water small bridge over the you what to cross, and someone asks

kind of idiots stuck a little tiny bridge in between these two big places? You

might say, "Well, when they put that little bridge in there, those places didn't exist." Kristin:

Yes, that's right.

Jon:

So, that was an unplanned..

Kristin:

...community.

Jon:

Exactly, and that, unfortunately, is how our minds are built. They were not built

NOT GRIEFISS

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187

olanned community.

So, there are disruptive thiings that just naturally for begins with looking an go on. People are sometimes amazed Ëare not working in theof why things when their minds aren't best way. working in a way that's jdeal, but they're not People begin the process of within to try to figure out whylooking amazed when theeir computers aren' t . are things YAla're

Psychotherapy understanding

going wrong. Feeling like amazed when our car isnt. something within them is broken or We just figure, well, of course it would damaged, they try to understand screw up. It screws up when you use it. So not

they can either fix

it or

more

cope with it. Instead, lcalled my computer guythe other day SUccessfully start from the understandinga dIsaid to him, "This thing that t the build of the human mind makes work again, and you just camedoesn' in and charged me a whole lot of money to fix dysfunction inevitable. it and 1 haven't

Kristin: Jon:

used it! So, how did it

We

might begin being curious hreak?" And you know what he says about how someone is surviving to me? He asked me, "Has it been and functioning at all instead of exposed to air?" | told him Iwas pretty Ëbeing that there has been Sure it had been, and he said, "Well, a puzzled problem. that explains it." That's what Psychotherapists usually to our minds. Things can go happens begin by, right away, extracting wrong on their own just because mind is doing large amounts of very personal what it does. However, things are even information from the client. The more likely to go wrong when someone information that is of interest to the therapist is likely to concern what is exposed to certain stuff. has been troubling instead of where there have been and successes That makes sense. This is whypeople's triumphs. minds go off track so frequently. Yes. Good job. If something happens that is disturbing, the mind will attach a meaning to it. I'll give you an example. This girl was attacked on her way out

Kristin

is

relieved that our visit doesn't start by probing her with

personal questions about painful or

embarrassing things. This results in

her feeling less to her car, which was parked in the lot than she has exposed and broken in other therapeutic right outside of her office. She was experiences. walking to it about a half hour after the

workday was over. She stayed a little late to finish up a couple of things. A guy jumped out of a car, hit her on the head with a rock, abducted her, and

did awful things.

She told me she has never forgiven herself for putting herself in danger, but she didn't put herself in danger. She

simply walked to her car and then that maniac hurt her. That is what actually happened and then her mind attached

meaning to it. Our minds attach

meanings which are always distorted.

JON CONNELY

188

something is, the The more disturbing is likely meaning more distorted the to the car to be. If I'm walking outwith a brick, me and somebody hits at that silly guy you don't say, "Look danger." You say, putting himself in that poor fellow "Somebody just hit with a brick."

blaming herself? Why would she be girl, she when she was a little

Because is absolutely learned something that learned it from children's untrue. She stories and television and children's

learned that all kinds of places. She good. All the things are good if you arethat. Later in children's stuff implies that contradict life, she learned things go that. She learned that things can but "good" is badly even if someone eliminate the the later learning didn't something earlier learning. When happened that wasn't good, it meant... Kristin: Jon:

..she did something wrong. was bad. Yes. It was her fault. She

the The meanings get embedded in distort impression and enlarge and the it even more. The deeper part off as thing this mind can be experiencing as ongoing and can be experiencing it meaning something that makes it even Worse than it was. What happened to her was bad enough, but the meaning

her mind attached to it made it even Worse. "Il never be clean. It was all

my fault." All that stuff.

When that impression is still active, Specific examples about things

the mind scans around for anything that can happen to other people that has structural similarity and is

are educational and can even be

likely to confuse that similar thingwith entertaining depending on how this thing that it doesn't know isn't the story is told. This engages

happening. Acombat veteran is hiding Kristin and puts her at ease. She

under the couch in his suburban isn't required to begin answermg living room because someone lit personal questions from a tod

a firecracker. Doesn't he know the stranaer. but, instead, gets to be difference between a firecracker andieducated and even entertained. a rifle? Sure. But, the part of his mind

SACRED o-.

GRIEF ISNOT

that doesn't know that the gunfire isn't :

happening is searching, finding this

and confusing it with that. Kristin: Jon:

Iunderstand.

That can also happen in a subtler way. You introduce this guy to your friend. who is

really sweet. He says to you afterwards, "She just gave me the creeps." You say, "But why?" And he says he doesn't know. The structure of her voice tone was similar to a girl that was mean to him a long time ago. He doesn't even remember her, but it stil affects him. I have the solution and it has nothing to do with dealing with painful feelings. Kristin:

Like smoothing the pillow?

Jon:

Yes.

Kristin:

Igot it.

Jon:

Inever

encourage people to re-live painful events and experience painful

feelings in order to get them out.

Therapists encourage people to feel

and express painful feelings about things that aren't happening. They tell people they need to do that to become okay. But that doesn't make sense to me because people who are okay are

not doing that. Nobody ever does that

if they're okay.

This 37-year-old man is holding his face and screaming. When you ask

what's wrong, he explains that when

he was 12 years old a guy punched him in the face and he lost a tooth. You

quickly realize that this dude is far from

okay. If someone is feeling pain from something that is already finished, this is a problem. Therapists often think it is

the solution.

I never ask people to try to figure themselves out. Therapists encourage

189

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190

people who are having a hard time to

Kristin has been

with me for a

while and, instead of beino try to figure themselves out. lIntelligent personal questions, | a people are naturally introspective lhat h: when they are feeling troubled and information about a way hae the therapist is likely to encourage this can be understood. She wd

and join in a collaborative analysis. time to be with me and be okay and now I am going to adtr People are encouraged to try to figure issues that have been affectino ee out what might have happened in their is past and how it might relate to what

currently troubling. Nobody ever does that if they're okay. Introspection is a symptom of emotional disturbance

and, therefore, it is not the cure. Kristin:

[Laughter] Right.

Jon:

You

have

experienced

troubling was feelings those feelings and one of anger.

Kristin: Jon:

Yes. Anger, fear, guilt and shame.

lbegin by establishing the baselines Let's start with guilt. Purposely starting point. The feel a little of that for less than five that represent our by asking her to created seconds. Nod for me when you have first one is experience the feeling of purposely accomplished that. [She nods] quilt for less than 5 seconds.

here's what just happened, Kristin. You cooperated with me. Iasked you to do something, and you did it. I asked you to feel a feeling, and you felt it. You did something with your mind that caused a feeling to happen. Perfect.

Now,

The problem was your mind has been doing this on its own. That's what's So, on the table for us to clear up. this let's first find a way to represent has mind your that problematic thing the been doing - not the feeling, but information mechanism that processes

outside of conscious awareness that

has been causing the guilt. Represent

it as a design.

Create a design that will represent problematic not the solution, but the processing way the mind has been information. Would it be dark or bright?

CRIEF IS NOT SACRED o Kristin:

I would say dark.

191

The second baseline is a designI call the Baseline Visual It does not represent whatMetaphor. nor what she has beenhappened feeling. Instead, it represents the way her mind has been

processing information since that is what we are

looking to change.

Later, when directed to try to

experience the feeling of guilt or to

again look at the design and she is no longer able to, she realizes that she is successful in a creating verifiable shift within her mind.

Before dealing with any disturbing feeling or events, Iwant to get her present, feeling a connection with me and experiencing acceptance, engagement and clarity. From that platform, we can look at the data about earlier experiences while remaining emotionally present. I

Jon:

Kristin: Jon:

Kristin: Jon:

don't say let's work on" the guilt first. Instead, I say that we will "clear Good job. Is it more jagged or smooth? it". Is it big or small? | am not asking those questions I would say big and jagged. for any diagnostic purpose, but to Good. Got it?

create a baseline that will later show the progress we have made.

Yes. I am looking toward what | amI began seeing Kristin this way the intending for you. I see you like this. moment I met her. By choosing You are experiencing the present attributes Iam looking to increase, each and every moment that you're I am now creating the of this alive. You are sourced from within so that it can becomepicture our shared With energy, power, clarity, strength, intention. With it "out in front" as flexibility, joyfulness, grace, and the plan, both of our minds begin balance. Your mind attends only to to organize in a way that sets up what is beneficial and possible. You for it. Things occur to both of us to are aware of what you can do. I see say or do. Hence, what is planned you as your body is working to your is realized. best advantage with healing going on in a deep and powerful way that keeps you energized and You are naturaly inclined healthy. to do

192

JON CONNELLY things that you willbe glad you did. You experience deep satisfaction from your accomplishments, and this fuels energy and interest in other accomplishments. You can also enjoy intense pleasure and beautiful and revitalizing rest.

Kristin: Jon:

That would be great. Aship at sea is being affected by the current and even by the wind. It can't stay on course. It is up to the captain to continue to bring it back on course

again and again. Isee you doing that. You bring yourself back on course over and over. Kristin:

Wow! That's perfect. It is just what I want.

Jon:

Inner mind is responsive to symbols. That's why every county has a flag. Let's create a way to symbolically represent what you are heading toward. What wild bird or animal would be inspirational?

Kristin: Jon:

A butterfly.

Butterfly is the perfect symbol. It is what I ask for details causing her mind your mind has chosen and, therefore,

to form

apicture. A picture will be

what your mind will respond to. Is the more powerful than a concept. If yoU something, butterfly moving or still?

Kristin:

Flying.

Jon:

What color?

Kristin:

Pink.

Jon:

Whenever butterfly comes to your mind, your mind is drawn toward

what we intend for you.

Can you do two things at exactly the

same time?

Kristin:

I believe so.

ask people to visualize they may feel they lack the ability. This way, that problem is avoided. Instead of asking her to visualize, I

cause her to visualize.

SACRED NOT IS GRIEF Jon:

193

Okay, because this is going to require VOu to both breathe and think. (She giggles] Picture butterfly and inhale nice and deep. (She does] Your mind is taking Mental

health professionals that in and responding. Kristin, the way may suggest that the individual

we're viewing things is that people are is doing these bad things to feeling what they'refeeling because of themselves. They use words like something their mind is doing, rather "self-destructive." They create a than something that's happening or diagnosis and then tell the individual that did happen.

I am suggesting that it is who she is by referring to

that you think this way with me - not her, saying things like, "she is a because the other way is wrong, but bordertfine." Oncologists don't refer because this will give us power to to their patients as cancers. Twelve accomplish good things for you.

step programs and substance abuse

treatment Kristin: Jon:

Yes. Ican definitely do that.

programs encourage

people to introduce themselves as if they are the addiction. "Helo, my

Your emotions and thoughts are due name is Ben and I'm an addict. My to the way the information processor drug of choice is crack." I want to

within your unconscious mind has always protect her identity. It's not

been managing information. Your that she has been doing it, and it mind has been making you feel bad a isn't even about her, and it certainly lot. Do you think your mind wants you isn't who she is. It is, instead, just to feel bad?

something that her mind has been

Kristin:

No.

doing, something than can change and something that I can change.

Jon:

You're right, it doesn't. It's been making you feel bad, but it doesn't want you to

feel bad. Do you think it wants you to feel good?

Kristin:

Yes.

Jon:

You know what lve discovered, Kristin? Your mind doesn't give a rat's

ass how you feel. It truly doesn't care.

Why does the mind get people to feel stuff? To understand the whole thing, you need to understand something

about rabbits. Now, Rabbit's mind makes Rabbit feel

bad when the wolf gets near. Rabbit's mind makes Rabbit feel bad when his stomach is empty. Rabbit's mind makes Rabbit feel good when Rabbit IS eating carrots. Rabbit's mind makes

-o JON CONNELL 194

Rabbit's having Rabbit feel good when do? They stay So, what do rabbits

sex. eat carrots and away from the wolf, the rabbit isn't of have sex. The mind of the rabbit emotions interested in the In other words, for their own sake. saying, "l really the rabbit's mind isn't good mood," or "1 want the rabbit in a in a bad mod." really want the rabbit the rabbit Instead, it's saying, "I want away from the eating carrots, staying Rabbit can't think wolf and having sex." Unlike other about anything it can't do. about things animals, people can think think about they can't do. People can but the exist, things that don't even little hill animal can't. Imagine there's a Good! You right here with a flag on it. same thing did it. Let's say you said the Right? to amoose. He can't do it. Kristin:

(Laughter] Right.

Jon:

can't If a mo0se can't do it, a moOse think it. Make sense?

Kristin:

Yes.

Jon:

Wolf was hunting. She steps in a hole and she hurt her paw. It's going to get better, but it's sore. So, now she's

walking more carefully. Do you think she's thinking she should have been much more careful?

Kristin: Jon:

[Laughter] No. Aguy witha long red beard approaches the wolf and says, "Miss Wolf, you should have been more careful when you were walking. If you had been more careful, you wouldn't have slipped into that hole." Wolf is confused and asks, "l

said a guy with a long red beard because her mind will create that picture so she will not only hear the storylam telling, but see it. In order to see it, she needs her unconsious mind to create the image. Therefore,

should have been more careful when?" her unconscious mind is being "In the past, on the way to the hole," affected by what I am saying and he answers. And she says, "Where is she is being entertained. By being on the way to the hole'?"And he says, ientertaining. Icause her to become

"You know, in the past!" Wolf says, involved and interested. In this way, "What are you talking about? Where Ican make a greater impression. is this thing you are calling the past? I|

GRIEF IS NOT

SACRED o...

don't see it." She cant think it becauSe it actually doesn't exist. Make sense? Kristin: Jon:

(Laughter] Uh huh.

One day, Ibrought some bread to the duck pond. Do you like to feed ducks

sometimes?

Kristin: Jon:

Yes, it can be fun and relaxing.

Oh, it's great. I had this piece of bread. Ilob it out and Mr. Duck grabs it in his mouth. He's so happy for about a

second until this other duck, Duck #2. pulls up alongside him, yanks that piece of bread out of his mouth and quickly

swallows it. You know what Duck #1 did? He sailed away peacefully. Ifound that so interesting because I don't know anybody who would do that. wanted to discover what it was about. So, I swam out to Duck #1 and said. "Mr. Duck! What about the bread?!" Mr. Duck said, "What bread?"

Mr. Monkey sees another monkey trying to monkey around with his monkey girlfriend and he gets really mad. Mr. Monkey makes loud angry

monkey sounds and then he bites

the other monkey. The other monkey runs away. It's finished. Mr. Monkey is relaxing, and his monkey girlfriend is sitting next to him and scratching between his shoulder blades. He loves when she scratches that spot. Do you

think that, as he's sitting there and feeling his girlfriend digging in and making his itch disappear, that he is thinking about how pissed he is at that

other monkey? No, because, for the

monkey, if it's not happening, it's... Kristin:

Over.

Jon:

Not exactly. For a monkey, it's not over. you say to the duck, "What about

that other duck taking the bread?"

He doesn't say, "It's over." He sayS,

195

-o JON CONNELLY

196

Mr. "What bread?" And, if you ask who monkey Monkey about that other girlfriend, his was trying to mess with He over." it's he doesn't say, "Well, just doesn't say, "lIt's in the past." He asks, "What monkey?" Kristin:

Jon:

[Laughterj Okay. yeah. monkey, if it's not way happening, it doesn't exist. On the I saw Harry to the duck pond that day, like he looked sitting on the bench. He "Harry, said, was in a bad mood, so I said, "'m how are you doing?" And, he things pissed!" Itold him that I hope and work out better. Afterward, Iwent later, I fed the ducks and, a few hours who guesS was on my way home and Got it? Because for a

was on the bench?

Kristin: Jon:

Harry? Yeah. Isaid, "Hary, how are you?" He howI says, "Are you stupid?! Itold you about was just a few hours ago!" It was walk to that amonth before ltook a duck pond again. GuesS who was on the bench?

Kristin:

Harry.

Jon:

Isaid, "Harry, how are you doing?" He says, "Man, you're totally stupid! I've

already told you." Harry's mind is not

functioning as well as the mind of the duck.

Kristin:

[Laughter That's funny.

Jon:

Allright. So, remermber that most of my mind is functioning on about the level of

the mind of a donkey. The emotions are

never coming from the top part. They're

coming from the mind that is outside of consciousness. When somebody has an emotional response, its not because he has decided to. It's not in

his appointment book: "At 7:30 PM, I

have to remember to feel surprised.

Iam keeping her engaged through humor.

NOT GRIEF IS

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197

At 8:00 PM, I have t0 remember to get back into feeling resentful." So.

the feelings have happened, and you have not been deciding on them. Let's check back in with the wof. You'l be

relieved to know her paw is doing quite a bit better. She didn't see any nice, fat rabbits, but she did see a nice, fat bird that was on the ground. She began

Kristin:

running toward the bird but, before she got to it, the bird takes off into the air and flies away. Do you think Miss Nolf is saving, "This is just wrong! If that Kristin is engaged in the story and ctunid thing can fly, Ishould be able to is already motivated to experience fly, too"? enlightenment "ike a wolf rather than introspective insights like a No, She just accepts that things are disturtbed human. the way they are. would like to be a wolf.

Jon:

This guy who speaks "wolf comes

over and says, "Miss Wolf, there don't seem to be any rabbits around here today, but there is an abundance of

rabbits in Australia." Does she wish she could be in Australia? Nope! You

might sometimes wish you were a wolf, but she never wishes she could be a Kristin.

For a wolf, if she can't do it, she can't

think it. VWhen you call the dog, you say, "Come!" Does he ask, "When?" You say, "Sit!" Does he ever say, "Give me a few moments"? For Wolf. it is

always "now." Wolf isn't thinking, "You know, right now, I'm sleepy but later I think I'll kill that rabbit." Or, "TII kill the

rabbit now, but later I'm taking a nap. It's not considered

it's not present.

The wolf can't consider the past. If we try to explain to the wolf where it is, she

can't see it. What Iwant to suggest to see it is you is the reason she can't because it isn't there. There is no past.

Kristin:

Wow!

Jon:

When

two really bright psychologists are discussing the past these

o JON CONNELLY

198

as if it's there, the duck is actually functioning on a higher level. What they're talking about, as if it exists, actually doesn't exist.

trainings for mental health professionals, I give them this question. Isay, "l'd like youto picture a

When

| do

little, wavy line in the moist sand near

the ocean. A wave comes and leaves

the sand smooth and clear. Where is the line?" Here are the answers: "It's

under the sand. It's been swept into the ocean. It's in the past." Somebody said, "The line is actually in our minds." Lots of people agree with that. Isay, "Please imagine, for a moment, that you are an electrician instead of a psychologist. I'm going to ask you the same question. There was a line. A

wave eliminated the line. Where is the

line?" And, as electricians, they said, "There is no line." Kristin: Jon:

[Laughter] So, do you know these crazy trucks that you need a ladder to get into? Super big, gaudy trucks that some guys like. The wheels of it are taller than you. There was this big yellow one that was making me very nervous the other day because my little car was parked next to a wall, so Icouldn't back up. So,

this huge thing was backing up toward my car. Now, somebody thoughtfully installed these warning beepers during the backup thing. So, as it's backing up, the lights on the back are flashing. It flashes and beeps, which is really handy because it makes you aware

you're about to get run over, but there was zero Icould do about it. And this thing is backing up, and l'm thinking, "If this guy, this stupid ass guy, checks his rear view mirror, all he's going to see is a cloud or something because I'm on the ground and he is up in the air. I'm a goner here."

GRIEF FIS IS Kristin:

Jon:

NOT SACRED o-

199

Did he hit you?

lust in the nick of time, he stopped and went in the other direction. Iwas really relieved. So, the question Ihave for you is, where is the truck backing up

into me? Somebody might say it's in

the past, but is there a thing called the past where we can find a truck backing up toward my car? No. My mind took in information about something that does not now exist. See, if we say, "The beer is in the fridge," it means what?

It means, there's afridge, there's beer, and the beer is safe within the fridge. When someone says, "It's in the past,"

the mind perceives that there is a past,

and something is in it. So, if your friend gets raped, don't tell her it's in the past. Kristin: Jon:

Iunderstand that, yeah. Well, then, is it in my mind? Twant you to look at me very carefully and determine whether or not there is a truck in my head.

Kristin:

[Laughter] No.

Jon:

Good, good. So, it's not in my mind and it's not in the past, and it's not under the sand, and it's not in the ocean. So, the answer to "Where is this?" is that "It

doesn't exist." Make sense? Kristin:

Yeah.

Jon:

My primitive mind, like a donkey, figures that, if Ican think it, it is in existence. If you ask the donkey to imagine a castle, he might say, "l can't imagine a castle because there is no castle.

there is a If you show him a castle, castle. If there isn't a castle, there isn't. Primitive part of the mind functions like

a donkey. It figures, if you're

thinking it,

it is.

think of a palm YOu can tell me to palm tree. If you ree, and Ithink of a

7 intend to create humor and engagement in order to keep Kristin involved and happy as Ireadjust her mind.

JONCONNELLY

200

ask me to think of a palm tree flying that, the room, I can think of

around can't but it doesn't mean it is. The wolf if that figures think it. Primitive mind is That I'm thinking it, then it must be.watching why someone can be scared primitive mind a horror movie. The figures that if it is being thought about, then it must exist.

figures that In addition to that, mind unless there is

it won't come to mind

done. If l'm a chance that it can get thinking of it, Ican possibly do it. The think is only thing that a wolf could able something that a wolf might be outrun that to do. "l might be able to a rabbit," not, "I might be able to fly like bird."

When the primitive part of the mind do

to wants to cause the animal Something, it causes a thought, a sensation, an emotion or some kind These of impulse to cause an action.

bad are feelings we might think of as feelings, like fear to get the animal to run when it's a good idea to run, anger that is to get the animal to attack when to a good idea and hunger to get her eat.

They are not bad feelings but doing what they intended her to do to cause an immediate action. The purpose of the feeling, however, is not to cause the animal to feel bad. Idon't think the animal is feeling bad if he is engaging in the action that is intended.

The zebra running from the lion is

experiencing

fear.

Because

fear

turns into action, Zebra is not feeling emotional pain. When mind wants Zebra to keep doing something, it causes a feeling we might think of as pleasure. If Zebra begins eating and her mind wants her to continue eating, it will cause pleasure as she eats. If

it no longer wants her to keep eating

SACRED O.. GRIEFIS NOT

201

because it has determined that she

has eaten enough, it stops causing pleasure and she stops eating. This is

the primitive part of the mind and, if it

wants you to do something, you feel uncomfortable.

makes

Now, this guy said to me, "Well, that's terrible! | don't like it making me feel uncomfortable every time it wants me to do something. Why doesn't it do it in a better way than that?" And Isaid. "Well, it doesn't know how to text

you. It can't send a fax or e-mail. It's

functioning like a donkey. So, all it can do is make you feel uncomfortable or

make you feel good and it isn't going

to make youfeel Comfortable if it wants you to do something else because if

you feel good, youll just keep doing what you're doing." If she wants him to get off the couch, she doesn't walk Over and start rubbing his shoulders. Remember I asked you if your mind

wants you to feel bad and you said no? Does it want you to feel good? Your mind actually doesn't give a rat's ass what you feel. What it does care about is getting you to do something. That's it. It just wants you to do something. But this is not obvious to the intellect

because the things your mind has been asking you to do frequently are not things that are possible. And

because they are not possible, your intellect didn't understand what was

going on. Rather than just address that as either doing it or saying, "l can't do that," this part of the mind {pointing to the top of my head] didn't think it; was being asked to do something. It thought it was being asked to consider Something, to feel something, come a to grips with something, have course, Of something. perspective on

donkeys don't ask you to do that.

Kristin:

[Laughter]

202

Jon:

JON CONNELLY So, I'll give you an idea of how it's been operating. We go into this restaurant together. The food server comes over

and I say, "l'd like you to bring me some hot soup." He says, "l know that I should have realized that. I apologize."

Isay, "Well, okay, but bring me some

soup." He says, "I think it's a pattern. I

find that often people want soup, and I haven't brought the soup, and I should have gotten the soup, but Ididn't think of the soup, and I don't know why it

repeats." And I say, "Uh huh," because it doesn't make a damn bit of sense

to me. So, all Isay is, "Ah, well, you know what? Bring me some soup." Now, at some point, the guy says, "Oh,

we don't have soup. Ican't bring soup. I'm sorry. We don't have soup." Do you think then I say to him, "Well, then, bring me some soup?" No. Then Isay,

"Okay, never mind."

So, if this guy wants me to stop asking him for soup, there are two things that could happen. One is, he brings

soup. Two is, he says, "l can't bring any soup." Either way, I stop asking for SOup right away. Does it make sense? Kristin:

Jon:

Yes.

But, if I say, "Bring me soup," and he

goes into some crazy thing about "1 know it's something I have to realize..I should have done it," and he sounds like a blithering idiot, and Ijust repeat

it, "Yeah, but bring me some soup."

"But I don't know how to adjust the air conditioning." and Isay, "All right, but bring the soup." "You know? Ican't bring soup." Oh, never mind, it's over. Got it? Kristin:

Uh huh.

Jon:

So, your mind has been making you

feel bad. It keeps asking you to do stuff

you can't do, and you haven't realized

what it was asking. So, you couldn't

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203

answer it. The answer is to say, "No. Ican't" or "Nothingneeds to be done" because then it will stop asking. It's a donkey. It's got no other issue. Do this thing. Why does it think you can do it? Because you can think it. "If you can think it, do it." Icould say, "What do you mean if I can think it, do it? | can

ihink things I can't do." The donkey says, "What are you talking about? If you think it, do it."

Kristin: Jon:

[Laughter] Uhhuh.

Icontinue to keep

Kristin amused and engaged by sharing one silly "Well, Ican imagine things that aren't Stoy ater another. The stories are there." "What are you talking about, imagine things that aren't there? If it's there, do something with it. If you're thinking it, it must be there. How can you be thinking it if it isn't there?" Kangaro0 doesn't get this whole "imaginary castle in the corner of the room" thing. It just gets that if you're

all aesigned to put pictures into her

head as she hears them. which will e more amusing and engage her more fully.

thinking it, do it, until you say, "I can't

and then it's done. If you just respond

to your mind in a way it understands, it will stop requesting that you do things that don't need to be done in ways

that cause you problems. When you

respond, your mind will finally just shut up. Kristin:

Jon:

That sounds great. HOW can l make Ifs more fun for Kristin to be engaged in these experiences that that happen? to be cause useful leaming than

to figure out how prior I'm going to give you some practiceencouraged experiences contributed to saying, "I can't." You've been taughtpainfulpainful experiences. Traditional that "| can't" isn't a good thing, but itatertherapy is often painful as well going alk is reallya good thing. So, we're we as unproductive. Here can't." to get practice with "l here get go. l'd like you to please got here you than 10 minutes earlier

today.

Kristin: Jon:

Ican't do that. [Laughter] just have a Then, if you would please youwalk in before Dig glass of water the doo.

o JON CONNELIY

204

Kristin:

Ican't do that.

Jon:

different top Um, I'd like you to wear a

Kristin:

this morning, please. Ican't.

Jon:

Good. You're getting it. So, you see, "I

Kristin:

[Laughter Okay, yeah.

Jon:

can'" can be a good answer.

Right? It's not a bad answer. I's a good answer. It's an accurate answer. Now, Illshow you what Imean by that. Watch. Put your feet flat on the floor.

Now, can you push your feet through

the floor? Kristin:

No, Ican't.

Jon:

No, you can't. And you know that?

Kristin:

Yes. Iknow Ican't do that.

Jon:

Okay. I want you to put your arms out; Kristin finds the stuffl am doing

like this. ( indicate that she should hold with her arms and how her strength her ams out straight in front of her] varies in the way Ipredict to be

Think of your arms like bars of steel fascinating. She is out and focused. so that there's no way I could push involved with the world rather than them anywhere. Okay? Itry to pushËwith herself. She understands the

and they're not going to go anywhere. thought that she should have done [l push on her arms, but they don't more is one that weakens her- not move.] See?

just mentally, but even physicaly. She can now eliminate its power by

And now, l'd like you to imagine isimply saying, "T can't." something. l'd like you to imagine that you should be able to push your feet through the floor. You know you can't but think about it. Get into that mindset

and think, "Well, I should be able to do that." And, as you're thinking you should, remember when you were strong. I'm going to push your arms down and you try to resist. Think you should be able to do it. Okay? Here we go. One, two, three. [Her arms have

become weak and | easily pushed them down.]

SACRED o..

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205

Interesting, huh? Should you have been able to push your feet through

the floor actually? Kristin: Jon:

No.

No. So, you know that. Right?

Kristin:

Yeah.

Jon:

Okay, push your feet through the floor in the past. Hurry up. You say, "l can't."

Kristin: Jon:

Kristin: Jon:

I can't. l push her arms that are once again

strong.] Good, and notice I can't get anywhere. There's strength. Feel it? Yes.

Now, Iwant you to think for a moment

that you should have. So, say, "I should have done that," and believe it. Act

it. Be an actress. Say, "I should have

done it."

Kristin:

Ishould have been able to put my feet through the floor. [Laughter]

Jon:

Good. Say it and really try to resist. Say, "l should have been able to put my feet through the floor."

Kristin:

Ishould have been able to put my feet

through the floor. [l push and her arms

are again weak.] Jon:

I'm going to say to do something and you answer by saying, "I can't. I'm strong." Iwill be trying to push your arms down, but you will see that you become very strong when you say, "I can't." Wear a different blouse this

morning. Kristin:

I can't. I'm strong. [l push her

arms, but

they are strong and don't move.)

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206

Jon:

can't" is There we go. Got it? So, the "l accurate. Let's think about putting that is that? blouse on this morning. Where blouse? Where is you putting on that

Kristin:

In the past.

Jon:

we? Well, we used to think so, didn't But where is it actually?

Kristin:

It's not there any more.

Jon:

It's not, is it?

Kristin:

No, it's not there.

Jon:

Okay, so, it's not in the past. Is it in your mind? You can recall it, but does that mean there's a closet in your head? Or

a dresser? Clothes? So, where is it? And the answer is: it doesn't exist. Do you get that? Kristin:

Ido.

Jon:

Put on different shoes this morning.

Kristin:

Right now? [Laughter]

Jon:

Well, everything's right now, isn't it? So, put different shoes on this morning.

Kristin:

Ican't.

Jon:

Right. Why not? The answer is, "lt doesn't exist." Do you get it? If it doesn't exist, can you change it? No.

Kristin:

No.

Jon:

Okay, well, here. This dresser here, this one, will you paint it blue for me?

No? [ am pointing to the air where there is no dresser.] Kristin:

No.

Jon:

Why?

Kristin:

Because it doesn't exist.

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207

Jon:

And then, cOuld knickknacks on it?

Kristin:

No.

Jon:

Kristin: Jon:

yoU

put a few :

Why not? Because it doesnt exXIst. With Can you just wake up a little earlier this is lots of silly examples, Kristin realizing what the problem has morning, please? been. Her mind has been trying to

get her to do things that she do and doesn't need to do. I cant teach her Why not? It doesn't exist. So, "No, TË by to respond to these requests simply thinking, "No, I can't." can't. It doesn't exist," are accurate Hence, mind will stop asking. answers. Accuracy gets your mind ËWith mindherquiet free of turmol. enlightened so you're thinking clearly believe there and will be significant like a monkey. Got it? Because the The improvements. monkey is seeing what is. And you say, the experiential examples and "Boy, Ibet you're really pissed about her engaged as theprocesses keep No.

that other monkey." "No! "Well, why reaches various facetscommunication of her mind. not?" There's no other monkey. There's

banana, girlfriend, no other monkey. Monkey is clear and enlightened, like

the duck. You get that, right? Kristin:

Yes.

Jon:

Your mind has been causing you to feel pain, but it doesn't want you to be

in pain. It doesn't care how you feel. It's been trying to get you to do something because you thought you should have done it. Since you didn't know that, you

didn't just say, "t doesn't exist. Ican't."? You said stuff like, "Well, IIl have to take

look at that." "Bring me some

soup!" "Well, IIl have to take a look at that." "Yeah, I see what you mean, but bring me some soup," over and over,

endlessly until we say, "It doesn't exist. Ican't."

Okay. We're going to now take the guilt apart. Ready to do that?

Kristin:

Yes, Iwant that very much.

Jon:

The guilt that you experienced, get just asmidgen of it now. Got it?

Kristin:

Yes.

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208

Jon:

It's about something that you did or didn't do? Which?

Kristin:

Did.

Jon:

Did. When?

Kristin:

Recently. Like a month ago.

Jon:

month ago. Okay. So, what did you A do a month ago?

Kristin:

Ihave a good friend and

Ilove her,

but sometimes she's really needy.

She called and left a message saying she was upset and needed to talk. I lied and texted her that I was sick and couldn't talk. Iturned my back on my friend when she was hurt and asking

for help. Jon:

Okay. Think about it for a second. Feel the guilt?

Kristin:

Yes, I do.

Jon:

Now, the guilt is saying, "Don't do it. Don't do that thing a month ago." When?

Kristin:

Now.

Jon:

Now. Exactly, because if the monkey is telling me to do it, it's when?

Kristin:

Now.

Jon:

So, here we go. I'm going to speak to the part of your mind that's like a

monkey. Don't lie to your friend last

month. Kristin: Jon:

Itdoesn't exist?

Right. It doesn't exist. You are not even

doing it, so you cannot do something

you are not even doing. As you simply

say, "I can't. It doesn't exist and nothing needs to be done," it clears.

SACRED o. GRIEF IS NOT Kristin: Jon:

Really? Just like that? Yes. Let's stay with it. Don't lie to your friend last month. Hurry up.

| can't. It doesnt exist and nothing

Kristin:

needs to be done.

Jon:

That's the first time there's been a reasonable answer to that question. You follow?

Kristin:

Uh huh.

Jon:

Say, "Bring me some soup." Say it to me. Say, "Bring me some soup.

Kristin:

Bring me some SOup.

Jon:

Kristin: Jon:

209

"You're right, Ishould have." That's not a reasonable answer.

[Laughterj No. The donkey wants you to feed him and

he goes, "Uhhh."You say, "You're right, Ishould have done it." So, don't lie to

your friend last month. Hurry up. Kristin:

Ican't.

Jon:

Good, now check with the guilt.

Kristin:

Jon:

Idon't feel it. Oh, my goodness! It's

/ taught Kristin a way of thinking

gone!

and a process to apply it to on an issue that she had some concem

Yeah, there you go. Ibetyou're thinking, "This could not be this simple. There's no way this could be this simple." But think about what you've been doing

iabout, but it was not the issue that iwas most significant. I think it makes sense to test it before it is applied to things that are extremely Significant.

to solve this problem. You've been

seeing people who have suggested

two things.

One is, you need to figure out why you've done things. Tell me anybody

who is figuring out why they did things

who is not screwed up.

JON CONNELLY

210

with Iwo is, you need to get in touch and release those feelings. You tell me

anybody who is experiencing feelings

about anything that isn't in existence who isn't completely crazy. So, the reason you were having trouble is because the people you were going to were telling you to do things that would cause somebody to have problems even if they weren't having problems. Right? Kristin:

That

seems

really

clear.

The

medication reduced the symptoms, but certainly hasn't eliminated them. The talk therapy doesn't seem to have

done a thing. Jon:

Monkey is having a really great day until someone convinces him that he needs to fiqure himself out and start

experiencing emotional responses to things that are not taking place. If he

gets right on that, he's one screwed up monkey. That's what was happening with you. Got it? Kristin:

Yes. This makes so much sense.

Nothing they were telling me was making sense to me and it made me feel like lwas even more crazy. l felt like Iwas too disturbed to benefit from

therapy for people who were disturbed. Jon:

Everybody has been doing their best or, more accurately, people have been doing the only thing they could have done at the time. Your mind is fine. It

just needed a tune up. Let's do another. We're not going to

get to everything, but we're going to get to a bunch of things. Then, your mind is going to take what you learn and generalize it to everything we don't get to. Like, if you teach a little boy how to tie a pair of shoes, then you teach him on another pair of shoes, then you bring out the third pair of shoes. Youi

SACRED NOT GRIEFIS

O*s********

211

know what he says? "Hey, lady, Ithink : I'm getting the concept here. You don't have to bring out every pair of shoes in the world." Your mind is going to

apply what you learn to everything. Tell me about something else, guilt or shame. Tell me the biggest one. Kristin:

My sister, before she died. My parents were really hard on her because

she came out of the closet as beina

a lesbian. My dad was a pastor and

he was really religious. Both of my

parents were really religious, and my sister didn't want to be anymore, and there was a lot of turmoil in our house.

So, I feel guilty for not being able to stand up for her. I followed my parents instead. Jon:

Kristin: Jon:

Good. Here we go. Try to defend her from your parents in the past.

Ican't. Good. Where is Dad making her feel

guilty about being gay?

Kristin:

Nowhere. It doesn't exist.

Jon:

There we go. Paint this bookshelf. [l point to the air where there is no

| build patterns with things that don't matter, then direct her to apply the same patterm in thought and Ican't. It doesn't exist. [Laughter] language to what has caused pain. The pain is eliminated automatically Get Dad to stop making...what's your and in a way that's fun. sister's first name?

bookshelf.) Kristin: Jon:

Kristin: Jon:

Bethany. Okay. Make Dad stop making Bethany feel guilty about being a lesbian.

Kristin:

Ican't.

Jon:

Why not?

Kristin:

Because it doesn't exist anymore.

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212

Jon:

exist. No, not "anymore". It doesn't Bethany Make your falther treat

differently..How long ago? Kristin:

Five years.

Jon:

Make your dad act differently to Bethany five years ago.

Kristin: Jon:

Ican't. It doesn't exist. can't." There it is. And now, feel that "l Feel the "| can't." Your mind has been doing all this stuff that's been making you feel crappy, not because

it's interested in you having insight,

Kristin. lt just wants you to do it. You to get it? I's a monkey. It's not trying"Do get you to be self-aware. It's like, and it." So, I'm going to be the monkeyhead, to Iwant you to answer me head straight on and clear. Do it. Kristin: Jon:

Kristin: Jon: Kristin:

Jon:

Kristin:

Ican't. Good. Here we go again, just like that.

(Clapping sound] Jam it into me. Do it. Ican't. Yeah. Perfect. Once more. Do it!

| can't.

Good. Now, check for the feeling.

Idon't feel it. Wow! It's gone! The guilt is gone!

Jon:

Perfect. Ready for anger?

Kristin:

Yeah.

Jon:

The guilt was to get you to do

Kristin has spent lots of time in

that talk therapy working on things that excited never changed. She's

change is happening immedialely

and we test it right here. She's also excited that things are shiting

something differently in the past. Of through processes that are ign and Tun. COurse, there is no past and there engaging, entertaining the mental health

Concerns me that have bought in to anything differently. So, your answer industry seems to must feel worSe was perfect. It doesn't exist. Bingo. the belief that one Done. We don't have soup. in order to feel better.

is no you in the past who could do

SACRED o.. GRIEF IS NOT Krlstin: Jon:

[Laughter] Okay. "Bring me soup." "We don't have sOun "

"Okay, never mind." And that took care of it. When there's anger, it's designed to get somebody else to do something

differently in the past. Where is Dad five years ago, now?

Kristin:

He's not there.

Jon:

Right. So, the answer is, simply, it doesn't exist. Got that one?

Kristin:

Yes.

Jon:

Okay. Where is Dad five years ago?

Kristin:

It doesn't exist.

Jon:

Good. | want you to keep answering me back the same way and it will get

clearer and clearer each time because. as obvious as this is, it's brand new. It's totally obvious, but it's brand new. So, where is Dad five years ago? Kristin:

It doesn't exist.

Jon:

Where is Dad four years ago?

Kristin:

It doesn't exist.

Jon:

Where is Dad a year-and-a-half ago?

Kristin:

It doesn't exist.

Jon:

Twenty-four years ago?

Kristin:

It doesn't exist.

Jon:

Good. Get Dad to act differently 27 years ago.

Kristin:

It doesn't exist.

Jon:

Get Dad to act differently 17 years ago.

Kristin:

It doesn't exist.

213

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214

Jon:

Get Dad to act differently seven years ago.

Kristin:

It doesn't exist.

Jon:

didn't Get Dad to understand things he understand two years ago.

Kristin:

It doesn't exist.

Jon:

didn't Get him to know something he know six years ago.

Kristin:

[Laughter] It doesn't exist.

Jon:

Okay. Get Dad to treat Bethany differently five years ago.

Kristin:

It doesn't exist.

Jon:

Good job. Get Dad to treat Bethany

differently five years ago. Kristin:

It doesn't exist.

Jon:

Good. You have to stop Dad from

Kristin: Jon:

Kristin:

criticizing Bethany five years ago. Hurry! Ican't. It doesn't exist.

Again. Get him not to do that five years ago. Hurry up. [Clapping sound] Ican't. It doesn't exist.

Jon:

Good job. Now, check for the anger.

Kristin:

[Laughter]lam not angry at all. Oh, my goodness. I am not angry.

Jon:

Beautiful. And so, let's say there was a surgeon who was about to operate

on somebody you loved. How guilty do you want her to be? Kristin:

Guilty?

Jon:

Yeah. She's about to start her surgery. How guilty would you want her?

O-.. GRIEFIS NOT SACRED

Kristin:

None.

Zero guilty. Okay. How resentful do we

Jon:

want her?

Kristin:

None.

Jon:

Kristin: Jon:

You didn't even say, "Why? What did she do?" Did you? You didn't care, did you? No. [Laughter] "Well, did she have an affair? Lie to her friend? Did she kill two hundred kittens?" Well, if she had an affai. lied to her friend or killed two hundred kittens, how guilty do you want her to be? She's about to do surgery.

Kristin:

None.

Jon:

Right. What if her father used to make fun of her? How angry do you want her to be while doing surgery?

Kristin:

Not a bit. [Laughter]

Jon:

And she'l do it better, won't she?

Kristin:

Yes.

Jon:

So, now that your mind is clear, you can't not do better. You can't not do

better. Everybody around you will benefit, and your body and mind will heal. It has to. Got it? Kristin:

Yes. Ireally do. Finally, Iunderstand. [She is both laughing and crying.]

Jon:

Those are good, clean tears. They are tears of relief.

Kristin:

Yeah.

Jon:

Good job. You know, it's so fun to work with you because you are really smart. You're so smart, and it makes you so easy to work with.

215

JON CONNELLY

216

Kristin:

I'm studying psychology.

Jon:

That made it harder, but we still got it done.

Kristin:

(Laughter] | am really interested in helping people.

Jon:

Kristin:

You'll be good at it. Ihope to get a masters or open up a

practice, but Idon't want to learn to do

it the way people have tried to help me. Jon:

You don't want to do it the way it's been done to you.

Kristin:

(Laughter] No. Definitely not.

Jon:

Well, you won't. What you'll learn is to enlighten so that there's light and things are light. Much of what you've experienced was heavy and in shadows. Didn't people say things like,

"You really need to take responsibility for this," and "lt's time now for you to

let it go"? Kristin:

That is what all of the therapists have been telling me.

Jon:

It's really necessary for you to do this and you have to understand the

importance of this, and you have to come to grips with this, and you need to

forgive yourself first and love yourself, and if you love yourself, you can start to love other people, but you have to first be compassionate to you, and give yourself permission to feel horrible. [Laughter] Does that sound familiar? Kristin:

[Laughter] Yes. That was what they were all telling me. Not in just those words, but that is what it was.

Jon:

That's why it didn't work. It was well meaning, but it couldn't have gotten you anywhere. But here you are, and things are getting clear now.

NOT GRIEFIS

SACRED O.

Iwant to give you another way of :

looking at things that will be useful to vou. I want to give you a way of

understanding the way people think

about things. There are four major

views of explaining why people do

what they do or don't do.

The first and most popular by far is

moralistic. Moralistic is the view held by

most people who are four years old. It goes like this: Why didn't she do that? Because she wasa bad girl. Why did he do it? Oh, because he was a good boy. Of course, that's the way four-year-old children have been taught to think. It's

also the way most of the grown-ups

you know think. People have been taught to understand themselves and

others byy applying praise or blame, pride or shame. That is what Imnean

by moralistic thought. It's the way most people you know think. It sounds like it

is the way your parents thought. Kristin:

Right.

Jon:

And he should have been good because he was bad, and bad people

should be good, and good people should be good, and all of that.

The second way of thinking is higher purpose. You've definitely heard this one. Higher purpose means that things seem bad, but they're not bad if we

take a broader view and see things we

haven't been able to see. Then, we'd see that the things we thought were bad were good. Sweet old guy gets stabbed to death and somebody says, "Oh, it seems awful, but actually he drew that energy into him in order to ascend to a higher level or God had a good reason to take

him." You've heard this, right?

Kristin:

Yes.

217

o JON CONNELY

218

Jon:

A little girl has a disease and dies, and somebody says to her mother, "God took her because he needed a special little angel." Did you hear a couple of those when you went through some

stuff? Maybe a bit? Kristin:

Yeah.

Jon:

I'm going to give you a third. Okay?

This is the one you've never heard. This is the one nobody talks about. This is the one that, after you're with me and you want to talk to people

about it, don't bother. They won't get it. This is one that's completely out of the

box. It's called science.

It goes like this. If you see

branch

has fallen off the tree, yoU might say, "I wonder what made it falI." You won't say. "I wonder if anything made it fall."

Do you get that? You'll say, "I wonder what made it fall," but you won't say, "1 wonder if anything made it fall." Kristin:

Something made it fal.

Jon:

Something made it fall. How do you know?

Kristin:

Because it's fallen.

Jon:

Yes. So, the event proves there was a cause. Doesn't it? It doesn't answer what caused it, but it answers that it was caused.

We can make up a cause. Let's say it fell because it was hit by lightning. It fell

right in that spot. How the lightening hit the tree caused it to fall exactly where

it fell. Could it have fallen a little further

to the right? Kristin:

No.

Jon:

To the left? No. Earlier?

Kristin:

No. [Laughter]

NOT SACRED o.GRIEF FIS

Jon:

know it was It happened, S0 you caused. BecauSe it wasS caused, it had happen. Now, watch this. There's

to cross this a bridge and pedestrians bridge, only pedestians. It's over

white-water rapids with sharp, jutting rocks. You definitely don't jump off

this bridge. These four women are crossing the bridge and they hear a She child scream. There's a little girl. She's is somehow in the white water. going to go under the bridge and down

the falls, and definitely die. People are horrified.

They are frozen except Judy who instantly has thrown herself off the bridge. Her ankle shattered against one of the sharp rocks, but her arm reaches out as she grabs this kid's collar. She hobbles out of that water. She's being interviewed that night and people say, "My goodness! I mean, you're amazing. You're such a hero. Imean, there were good people on that bridge, really good women on that bridge. Everyone else froze. You jumped. You sacrificed your ankle. You'll never walk again the way you had, but this child is alive because of

you. Why did you jump when nobody else jumped?"

You know what she says? "1 don't know." Got it? She doesn't know. She says, "All Tknow is I heard that kid and then my ankle hurt like hell." Why did she do it? We don't know exactly all the things that preceded it, but we know that if it happened, it was caused. The cause had something to do with genetics. It had something to do with environmental influences. Those two things caused that tree and that branch to be exactly where they were and Judy to be exactly as she was. There was lightening. There was

the child. Branch fell. Girl dropped. Could she have not?

219

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220

Kristin: Jon:

No.

sweetheart of No. Got it? Now, Jean, her life for a give a lady who would just stood there. She child, didn't jump. Could she have jumped?

Kristin:

No.

Jon:

other part. Bingo. Now, here's the You know You're not going to like Joey.

why? Kristin:

Jon:

Why? this little girl to the It was Joey who took and she looked river. He picked her up, eyes, and at him with loving, trusting threw her in the he says, "Ha!" and he horror and he river. She screamed in

sound] clapped his hands [clapping him. Do and said, "Goody!" Idon't like that?

done you? Could he have not

that? Should he have not done

Kristin:

said, Now, I'm not sure. Iwould have done have "Of course, he shouldn't

that," but now, Ijust don't know.

of Does he have a higher level

Jon:

consciousness than our hero?

Kristin:

No.

Jon:

Is he functioning on a higher level than her?

Kristin:

No.

Jon:

We wouldn't say he has more awareness, more choice, or more

ability. Would we? Kristin: Jon:

No.

So, could he have not done what he did?

Kristin:

No.

GRIEFIS

NOT SACRED O-.. 221

Jon:

So, we're role in this

glad we didn't movie. | mean, have I

that :

wouldn't want to have to play him. Sit here tell you about it, "Yeah, Iwalked and the

kid to the river and threw her in." As we look through view three, if s something you did that you don'tthere' like. you may still not like it, but longer are thinking that you Couldyouhaveno not done it. Kristin:

Iunderstand that, yes.

Jon:

Yeah. Now, if you could have not done

Kristin:

No.

Jon:

Don't try to explain it because nobody is going to get it, but you're getting it.

Kristin:

Okay.

Jon:

it, should you have not done it?

If it was something Ididn't do - you don't even need to know what it is didn't do it. Should Ihave done it?

Kristin:

No.

Jon:

Right. I did do it. Should Ihave not done it?

Kristin:

No.

Jon:

You don't care whether it was horrible

or wonderful. It doesn't have anything to do with it. There can't be a "should" without a "could." And there wasn't a "could" so there couldn't have been a "should." Got it?

Kristin:

[Laughter] Yes.

Jon:

So, let's take something that's really been a big one for you. Dad was

critical of your sister's sexuality...I don't even think the word "preference" is accurate. Do you? Let's say, instead of preference, it was her inclination because it wasn't something she sat;

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222

the around one day and picked off menu. Right? Kristin:

Jon:

|Laughter) Right. Ican tell It was how it worked. Why? Something to do you exactly why. do with environment, something to do with genetics. Probably more toBut, with genetics than environment. whatever, it certainly was not picked

was off the menu. So, anyway, he have he Could critical of that. Right? not been?

Kristin: Jon:

No. Should he have not been?

Kristin:

No.

Jon:

Bingo. [Laughter]

Kristin:

Thank you! Idon't even know how long

Jon:

Kristin:

Jon:

Kristin:

it took for me to realize that!

You got it? The person that was driving the other car when Bethany was klled had been drinking. How has that been making you feel? You must have been The conversion disorder was angry. rooted in her belief that things should have been different than Ihave been so angry at him. I have they were. Her parents should not tried to let it go, but it's just not possible. have been condemning toward her sister. She should have stood up Is it okay if we look at this one, too? for her sister. Her sister shouldn accident. already get it. It couldn't have have been killed in the

that caused happened any other way. Thinking The driver of the carnot have been the accident should things shouldn't have happened the drinking. The process I took her way they did has been making me sick. destroyed the

and No one ever pointed these things out through attacked should have been things that to me like you have. None of it could belief have been different and it doesn't make different by eliminating the beer diferent. sense to think that it should have. that they could have been

of emotional l began with things freebranch falling attachment, like the

applied the from the tree, and then that she same principles to things responses t0. had strong emotional

I GRIEF

o... NOTSACRED

223

There's other stuff, too. Irecently got : Kristin:

married and there's just tons of ways has talked to me that my husband

remind me of my dad...

It's the number three thing,remember? Jon:

Yeah, and, so.. Kristin:

Is he a little moralistic? Jon:

Kristin:

Yes. Hello!

Jon:

Kristin:

[Laughter] He's almost exactly like my dad. Ididn't even realize it when we got married, but now I understand

So much more. l've been unhappy but feel badly that Idon't want to be

intimate with him. Now,I'm making the decision of, should I call it quits now or do counseling... Jon: Kristin:

Kids yet?

No. But there's never been a divorce

on either side of my family. They are all in the ministry.. Jon:

Got to make sure that you're no different than everybody else.

Kristin:

[Laughter] | know that's not the biggest thing. I don't have...because of my severe conversion disorder, Ihave no money and Thave no...

Jon:

Right. It doesn't need to be completely figured out today or tomorrow, but hang with this new way of experiencing life for a little while and then let's see

how it bubbles up.

There's no way to have gone through what you went through today without

and Significant positive physiologicalmake psychological benefit. Does it Sense?Imean, how could you? So,

anger that was it has to do that. The

Kristin's marriage and

her

about it is a situation that is turmoil ongoing. Her mind cleared from the past

trauma will free up so that she can deal with resources this much more effectively and in a way that is best for everyone.

.o \ON CONNELLY

224

there for a long time based on thinking that Dad should have been different isn't there any longer. The anger at

yourself isn't there anymore. There is no longer shame or guilt. All that energy is now released and there for healing. Kristin:

Yeah.

Jon:

Sometimes that old golden rule thing Moralistic thought has is a very useful tool for dealing with causing her to be locked or this kind of situation. Let me make up in an unhappy a situation for you. You've met a guy

and you fell in love with him. You built

your life around him and he's getting that he just doesn't feel it for you. You're just not a turn-on for him. He's

thinking the woman he is waking up

with is not somebody he is attracted to, not somebody he has fun with, not

somebody that he really wants. So, imagine that situation. You are that Woman.

Kristin:

Okay.

Jon:

What would you want the guy to do? Would you want the guy to just decide to stay with you, go home at night saying, "Td really rather have fun, but I'm going to do the right thing? I'm

going to be with Kristin again"? Kristin:

Not really, no.

Jon:

And then, the next night, would you

want him to say, "'m going to do it again. I'm going to do the right thing. In fact, I'm even going to touch her

sexually tonight. I don't want to, but I know it's what Ipromised." How would you like that? Kristin: Jon:

No. That would be awful.

So, now, you're going to do me a favor

and do the right thing and get into bed with him and do what you should.

Right? So, Imean, if this fella is dying

been trappedWe're marri a ge. eliminating moralistic a moralistic thought. with

thought

the golden rule and thatWe' fitsre inusiwingth her

moralistic

framework while destroying her obligation.

GRIEFIS

NOT SACRED O-

225

from aterrible disease, then I think we need to take that into consideration

No, he's fine. Kristin:

Does he have arms? Legs? Jon:

[Laughter) Yes. Kristin: Jon:

Kristin: Jon:

Kristin: Jon:

Okay. If you dropped him in the shopping mall, do you think he'd be okay?

[Laughter] He'd be fine. Does he know how to use a cellphone?

[Laughter] Yeah.

Okay. Those are good things to know. Eliminate your sense of obligation and NEVER have sex because of

obligation. The little flame of romance and sexXual interest up against the ocean of obligation doesn't have much

of a chance. Now that we've done So much has been accomplished something about the ocean, let's see that I don't think Kristin should be

Kristin:

whether the flame sparks up. Give it a trying to make decisions about litle while. her marriage while she is with me. Telling her to no longer feel obligated

Okay.

to be sexual or even to stay with her husband causes a shift in how she

Jon:

Let's see if there's a little bit of flameiviews her marriage. This shift will without the ocean, because the ocean either improve the marriage or give was all about you have to, you need her more clarity on how to proceed. to, you should, you've got to, it would

be wrong, all that. Let's get rid of the ocean and then let's see what it will be

like without that. It may be that, without that, you may realize he could do

better than you because he could

find someone who would be happy about wanting to be close to him, and, if so, the best thing you can do for him is to get the freak out of the way.

Kristin:

[Laughter] Right.

am shifting Kristin's view of what

has been going on in her marmage. She has been feeling stuck and quilty about not wanting to stay with her husband. I have turmed I that around using the golden rule. could relieve her guilt of thinking she he do better than him by suggesting Could do better than her.

o JON CONNLIY

226

Jon:

shows Right? And, if thal's the way it shows up. But up, that's the way it sometimes, people go out for a drink go homo to colebrate their divorce and moan, together You know why? who people that's weird, but l've met way the are happily living togother, arnd is together they got into happily livingknow what? they went out, said, "You finally We've been through it, we're buy me divorced. I'l tell you what, let should we you a drink and at least

she smile at each olher once." And

says, "You know, thal's so crazy that two Ill actually do it, Harry." And, after

with drinks, she went home and to bed

what? him, and decided, "You know You really are cute." And you know

what happened? The ocean was gone. Got it? Kristin:

Jon:

Kristin: Jon:

Okay. Yeah. There was no obligation to live with this guy after she divorced him, so the Ocean was gone and the flame came back. So, let's give it at least a little while. Do you think?

Laughter] That's good.

Is there anything that comes up that least temporarily, and see if the

you want to ask me about that we improvement coming from our visit didn't get to? We've gotten to a lot of has a positive effect. stuff.

Kristin:

Ibelieve that it is better for Kristin to stay with her marriage, at

Ihave a lot of reoccurring nightmares.

Idon't know if this will help prevent them.

Jon:

Let's take care of them. Tell me about one of them

Kristin:

One is me being violent with my mom, ike us getting into an argument that

escalates into violence. That started happening after an incident where she

wouldn't stop talking to me. I asked her to give me some space and she

physically started touching me. Iwas

NOT SACRED oIS GRIEF getting really angry and Ipushed her. and she accidentally fell over a baby

gate thatThad for apuppy in the room. Ifolt horrible about that. She can hurt me with her words a lot. If we start to

get in an argument, ljust immediately walk away or change the subjet. I'm almost scared to talk with her because of how much she can hurt me. In my dreams,she'll say something that hurts me. Iyell at her and end up actually getting physical with her and hurling her.

Jon:

Iunderstand how the dream works. Our minds sometimes bring to our attention

things that we are threatened by. You have been threatened by Mom's words being hurtful and you have been even

more threatened by hurting her. Fear and anger are emotional and

physiological responses to perceived threat. Dream Mom poses no real threat. Let's think of a dream tiger. He isn't a real tiger, so he can't actually hurt

anyone. If it were an actual tiger, you'd want to run from it. if it was a dream tiger, you could just lay down. The only thing Dream Tiger can do is make somebody scared and run. But, if you

stopped running, there isn't anything he could do if he caught you. With that principle, we can defeat dream things just by surrendering to them. So, first, let's just clear away the response you've had to the kinds of things Mom has said. So, tell me the kind of thing that Mom would say that youwould have found really hurtful. Go for it, right to the biggest punch. Kristin:

were The biggest one was while we

eating dinner one time. I was talking my miss about how I was going to be there wouldn't sister because she We hang out. this summer for us to

to camp had, since | was born, gone casually,. that. Real and everything like

227

-o JON CONNELIY

228

Mom said, "Kristin, you wouldn't have hung out with your sister. You guys got further away from each other since you went to college, and now she's dead."

Jon:

Let's take that and blow it up and make it worse. Let's use worse words

than that. What would they be? Kristin:

You didn't love Bethany."

Jon:

"You didn't love Bethany. You only care about yourself." That's a big one. If Mom were to say that, where would

that be coming from? Mom learned as a kid, if you're good, things will be good. If things aren't good, it's

because somebody was bad. That little-kid part of Mom's mind is coming up with those words. That's not any By referring to it as the little-kid part.

kind of an adult conversation. You getlremove Mom's credibility so that

that? Adults wouldn't think that. Kristin:

Laughter] Right.

Jon:

So, it's coming from that kind of distorted, wounded-kid thing. You know what a Rorschach test is? Ink

blots? Kristin:

Yes.

Jon:

So, the psychologist shows this guy an ink blot, and the guy looks at it and he

says, "It's aflower garden." And she

shows it to the next guy, and he says, "That guy's torturing a zebra!" Now,

did the psychologist learn anything about the ink blot?

Kristin:

No.

Jon:

No. She learned about the person she showed the ink blot to. So, when Mom is talking about stuff like this, is it about you?

Kristin:

No.

Kristin is not hurt by these words. | also remove anger by removing

threat.

GRIEFIS

NOT SACRED oNo. You're an ink blot. So, what is it

Jon:

actually? Is it somebody torturing a

zebra? Kristin: Jon:

Kristin: Jon:

[Laughter] No.

Is it a flower garden? No.

It's ink dropped on the thing, folded in half, and unfolded. And all that other stuff is projection and has to do only with what is going on inside of the

person who is seeing it, not the thing they're seeing. Now, just fully know that and get that. Today, your awareness has been moving in toward where, at your center, you are light. There

is wisdom and total clarity. At your center, you see things exactly as they are.

So, from your center, hear Mom saying that. Iwant you to close your eyes and see her face. Hear her say that, but you are soft and clear and light. Come from and be in touch with where you have access to amazing wisdom and

clarity. You're seeing Mom who is hurt, distorted, childlike, saying, "You didn't love her. It's allyour fault." Good. Now, open your eyes. VWhat happened? Kristin:

Ifelt like she didn't know what she was

talking about. Jon:

And was there hurt within you?

Kristin:

No.

Jon:

Was there anger within you?

Kristin:

No.

Jon:

didn't Good. Let's expand it. "You she is why defend Bethany and that's That's why dead. You didn't love her. terrible person. she's dead. You are a

229

.o |ON CONNELUY

230

You were a horrible sister." What about that one? Kristin:

Ididn't feel it.

prove the work I did with

effective

by

her

Jon:

was saying Okay. Because it doesn't make any eVen worse way and things in an sense. Does it? response. Asshe her

Kristin:

[Laughter] Right.

Jon:

There aren't any buttons to push on you. Are there?

Kristin:

No.

Jon:

So, there's no anger coming up from

checkitheerengis no negative response,realizes she knows that things have dramatically and improved. changed

it. Iwant you to be Mom. I'm going to be you, clear and enlightened. So, say

the most awful thing you could say. Kristin:

"You should have spent more time

with your sister and loved her before she died." Jon:

"Mom, Iknow how much you love her and love me and how much this has

hurt you." Got it? You don't even have

to say it because you so totally got it. What you know is, "You're in trouble. You're hurt. You're distoted." You

don't have to say all that. Youcan just say, "I know, Mom." So, now you close your eyes and hear her angry. Just respond soft, " know, Mom. I'm sorry. |love you." Kristin: Jon:

|know, Mom. I'm sorry. Ilove you.

Bingo. Got it?

Kristin:

Yeah.

Jon:

Perfect.You just took care of it. Got it?

Kristin:

Yeah. I believe that I won't feel the same way, even in my dreams.

Jon:

No, you won't, because...here we go in your dreams. Close your eyes. Mom is coming at you saying, "I wish

Ihave given Kristin ways to think and words to say when Mom is critical, Words that couldn't be said if Mom was a threat. Saying them

indicates that Mom is not a threat.

NOTSACRED oGRIEFIS it was you who was dead. You killed

her. You're the one who made her

a lesbian. It's your fault." You say know, Mom. Ilove you." Kristin:

Iknow, Mom. I love you. There we go. Bingo. Got it?

Jon:

Kristin: Jon:

Kristin:

[Laughter] Yes. Iwas saying the worse stuff Icould come up with. It wasn't doing a thing to you. Your shoulders stayed soft. You were just so open. So, perfect!

It's amazing because l've had so much

tension in my body for so many years... Jon:

Yes. What about Dad? Is there

something Dad could say that would

bother you?

Kristin:

I've been afraid of him commenting on

anything Ido because of the way he'd scold Bethany, like finding out stuff about her being with girls. Jon:

I want you to picture Dad saying, "You are evil. You want to leave your husband

because you have no integrity. You are a disgusting slut. All you think about is your own gratification, and you've put the nails into Jesus' hands."

Kristin:

Ijust don't believe it. None of it can

affect me now. Jon:

There yougo. Isn't that nice?

Kristin:

Yeah, because I did believe all those

horrible things about myself. Jon:

"Your husband is suffering. Jesus is suffering. Your mother is suffering

and it's all because of you." You don't have to defend. Just say, "Okay, Dad. I

understand."

Kristin:

Okay, Dad. Iunderstand.

231

...o JON CONNELY

232

Jon:

Bethany is totally loving you and

she's so excited about what you're

doing today. She's right there loving right you, feeling your love. She's feels she and there, loving you, how much you love her.

Kristin:

[Cryingl

Jon:

and she's got it, and She she isis clear, just jumping all over the

There was grief from the

experience

of the oss" of Bethany. Rather place that you're getting it. She'sssso than asking for Kristin to accept

good that there's light and wisdom and clarity. Can you feel her? I can see her right here with us. Can you

and come to grips with her "loss," l suggest that there is an ongoing connection. There is no loss and,

therefore, no grief. feel her right there with you? Loving you? Kristin:

[Crying] Yes.

Jon:

Excited for you, hugging you. She excited. is so sparkly, and she's so so

And you are so beautiful and smart, and she's fine. She says, "There were a few scary moments

there, but lI'm doing fine, Kid." Kristin:

Thank you.

Jon:

Yeah. You feel good with that, with her?

Kristin:

Jon:

I've always been wondering if she thought I should have done more, stood up for her more, that Iwas being the hypocrite. Ijust wonder about how she would think about my life.

So, let's think about it. How do you moralistic thought. This new way

think she's thinking about you your life?

Kristin:

Kristin experiences her sister as present rather than as finished and it causes a connection. She now has a different way of understanding human behavior which is free of

and of viewing herself and others eliminates the anger she had toward

Ithink that she just loves me and has a better perspective than even Ihave

drunk her parents and even the driver who killed her sister.

now...and she sees even probably Seeing her sister with assures more cany her

why Mom and Dad did things. Jon:

Exactly. She's like a duck.

Kristin:

[Laughter]A happy duck.

than she has herself that Bethany has no anger or resentment toward her. Any guilt is

now gone.

GRIEF

Jon:

NOT SACRED O... 233

She's saying, "What thing do you think

you're supposed to be doing or didn't

do or should have done or shouldn't

have done? What are you talking

about2" or "What bread?" She's right The with you, and it's totally all about to subconscious now and it's allabout love.

Kristin:

Jon:

You never lost her. She is with you,

She always had you and you have always had her, but your awareness was blocked by distortion. Kind of like when the guy ges out and looks at

And his girlfriend says, "You know what, fella? I's still there." The sun doesn't go away at nightime and it doesn't go away on a cloudy day. Our human senses are limited. They

only bring in a portion of what is there and what they bring in is not accurate. It looks like the earth is flat and still, but we know that it is round and that it is always moving. Something looks solid

and still, but everything is moving. Nothing is solid. AIl of it is energy. She's always going to be right here.

You've always had her, but you weren't always sensing it. Now, you

sense her.

Jon:

responsive

Pavlov taught me Ireferenced "duck"

This feels so good. It is SO goo0. earlier as being present and clear. "s like | am waking up îrom an ugly Now, can bring the experience of present and clear to how she thinks dream. [Deep sigh, then laughter| about Bethany by feel like lhave her back. Sister with a duck. associating her

the sky and it's dark and cloudy, and he says to his girlfriend, "Oh, no sun,"

Kristin:

associations. more than Freud.

is

Yes, Ido, and it feels so good. Iwant to do another little process with

you that's going to be vibrating energy up and getting the healing going even more rapidly and completely for you. this hand So, here's what you do. Take her arm extend and put it like that. [l position. So it is out in the handshake to put Good, then, look here. I'm going without touching. my hand near yours