From Trauma to Enlightenment [1 ed.] 9780578018560

Citation preview

working the steps

From Trauma to Enlightenment S e l f -T h e r a p y i n T w e lv e S t e p s

by Daniel Mackler and Frederick Timm

6

table of contents Introduction to Self-Therapy

3

Optimal Use of this Book

4

Working the Steps Step One

6

Step Two

From Trauma to Enlightenment Self-Therapy in Twelve Steps A Radical New Program for Healing from Childhood Trauma and Manifesting a Purposeful Life

8

Step Three

10

Step Four

12

Step Five

14

Step Six

16

Step Seven Step Eight Step Nine Step Ten Step Eleven Step Twelve

© Daniel Mackler and Frederick Timm, 2009. All rights reserved. ISBN: 978-0-578-01856-0 Rare Soul Press www.iraresoul.com www.yoursacredself.com

18 20 22 24 26 28

General Tools for Enhancing Self-Therapy

30

Self-Therapy Slogans

33

Concluding Words

40

table of contents Introduction to Self-Therapy

3

Optimal Use of this Book

4

Working the Steps Step One

6

Step Two

From Trauma to Enlightenment Self-Therapy in Twelve Steps A Radical New Program for Healing from Childhood Trauma and Manifesting a Purposeful Life

8

Step Three

10

Step Four

12

Step Five

14

Step Six

16

Step Seven Step Eight Step Nine Step Ten Step Eleven Step Twelve

© Daniel Mackler and Frederick Timm, 2009. All rights reserved. ISBN: 978-0-578-01856-0 Rare Soul Press www.iraresoul.com www.yoursacredself.com

18 20 22 24 26 28

General Tools for Enhancing Self-Therapy

30

Self-Therapy Slogans

33

Concluding Words

40

Introduction

Introduction to Self-Therapy Self-therapy is based on the principle that we each have the capacity to be our own guide on life’s journey. Experience has taught us that all the answers to life are within and that the best therapist—and the best book—can only point us in this direction. Ultimately it is up to us to heal ourselves. The struggle and the responsibility are ours, and ours alone. Our book, a program of self-healing, rests on our experience that unresolved traumas from childhood block our connection with our

This book is dedicated to all our fellow travelers on the healing journey.

true self. Where we remain traumatized we act out unconsciously and destructively in any number of ways—according to the templates of our traumatic past. We heal by resolving our traumas. This healing connects us to the river of truth that runs through all things, frees our deeper gifts, and opens us up to our life’s purpose. These twelve steps are a universal pathway to healing our ancient emotional wounds. They lead us out of the darkness of our unconscious lives and into the enlightenment of our full conscious connection with truth. They are the backbone of the healing process, but like a backbone they are flexible. They are suggestions, not the law, and they strive only to guide us within. Ultimately we need not trust anyone else’s words, platform, or methods; our own inner template provides the best map of all. Healing is complex. Our traumas tangled us up, and at times our growth process reflects these tangles. Some facets of our personality can be enlightened while other parts remain buried and traumatized. Grieving, a process necessary for restoring the true self, often has a life of its own. For these reasons, we can work one step at a time, or we can work several at once. We can repeat several early steps before moving on to an advanced one, or we can repeat several advanced steps before returning to an earlier one. If healing were simple and linear everyone would be long since healed. This book is intended to help us make sense of the healing process, to understand its dynamics, and to apply this to our lives. Our goal is enlightenment, and we hope this book, and the wisdom it contains, helps you step closer.

3

Introduction

Introduction to Self-Therapy Self-therapy is based on the principle that we each have the capacity to be our own guide on life’s journey. Experience has taught us that all the answers to life are within and that the best therapist—and the best book—can only point us in this direction. Ultimately it is up to us to heal ourselves. The struggle and the responsibility are ours, and ours alone. Our book, a program of self-healing, rests on our experience that unresolved traumas from childhood block our connection with our

This book is dedicated to all our fellow travelers on the healing journey.

true self. Where we remain traumatized we act out unconsciously and destructively in any number of ways—according to the templates of our traumatic past. We heal by resolving our traumas. This healing connects us to the river of truth that runs through all things, frees our deeper gifts, and opens us up to our life’s purpose. These twelve steps are a universal pathway to healing our ancient emotional wounds. They lead us out of the darkness of our unconscious lives and into the enlightenment of our full conscious connection with truth. They are the backbone of the healing process, but like a backbone they are flexible. They are suggestions, not the law, and they strive only to guide us within. Ultimately we need not trust anyone else’s words, platform, or methods; our own inner template provides the best map of all. Healing is complex. Our traumas tangled us up, and at times our growth process reflects these tangles. Some facets of our personality can be enlightened while other parts remain buried and traumatized. Grieving, a process necessary for restoring the true self, often has a life of its own. For these reasons, we can work one step at a time, or we can work several at once. We can repeat several early steps before moving on to an advanced one, or we can repeat several advanced steps before returning to an earlier one. If healing were simple and linear everyone would be long since healed. This book is intended to help us make sense of the healing process, to understand its dynamics, and to apply this to our lives. Our goal is enlightenment, and we hope this book, and the wisdom it contains, helps you step closer.

3

4

From Trauma to Enlightenment

Optimal Use of this Book

5

Our experience, though, is that people who cannot look at their own traumatic history have a difficult time admitting to themselves who they really are—and connecting with what motivates them. This honest admission and connection is vital for self-therapy. Of note: We encourage you to take this process slowly. In fact, we know no other way. Many religious and spiritual traditions suggest that enlightenment can happen quickly, in a bolt of awakening light. That has not been our experience, despite the inevitable revelatory lightning bolts of insight that do come along the way—after much hard work. Although we see enlightenment as a goal, we keep in mind that it is an

Optimal Use of this Book

unfolding goal—and a process.

This book is divided into twelve sequential steps. Preceding each step

of us need longer than that, and discover self-therapy to be a process

we provide four yes-or-no questions which indicate whether or not you

that takes years, even decades—even a lifetime. If you take these steps

are ready to begin work on the step. We encourage you to meditate

seriously, and take seriously the tools associated with them, you should

carefully on each of these four questions, and if you can comfortably

have a lot of writing ahead of you, and a lot of internal processing. Both

answer them affirmatively—with a “yes”—then you are likely ready to

take time. Our job is to honor that.

This is not a workbook to complete in a day or a week. If you are in a rush, as many of us are when we begin self-therapy, working one step a week—or one step a month—might be a more reasonable goal. Many

enter the next step. If you cannot comfortably answer “yes” to these

We encourage you to be gentle with yourself as you undertake the

questions then you may not be ready to begin work on the subsequent

self-study that this book provides. We encourage you to practice self-

step, and will probably not derive optimal value from it—because you

kindness, self-love, and patience. Doing this process will be painful.

will not be operating from as solid a foundation of self-love and self-

That is inevitable. But it does not have to be torture. The traumas of

respect as might be necessary. Still, this does not mean that you will not

childhood were torture; repeating that in adulthood is not healing.

derive value from it, but we feel this value will be limited. If you answer the four preliminary questions in the negative—with a “no”— it is probably best to return to working and writing about an earlier step. And

We wish you strength and courage—and also ingenuity and selfrespect. These are vital for self-therapy, and we believe to our cores that every person has them. It is just a question of tapping in.

if you answer “no” to the four questions preceding Step One then you may not yet be ready to begin work on these steps, at least in an optimal way. In that case we would instead encourage you first to read over the book to get

Can I admit that I have unresolved traumas buried in my unconscious?

an idea of our point of view and second to practice some of the general selftherapy tools (which start on page 30). They are not step-specific, yet they provide a healing perspective and framework in and of themselves—and an opportunity to meditate more on your own behavior, on your discomfort in your life and relationships, and on your own history, particularly from childhood. Presumably you have come to this book for a reason—and you can also meditate on and write about this reason. Usually the reason a person comes to this book is closely tied up with his or her history of trauma.

Questions to Ask in Readiness to Take Step one

Can I admit that these traumas at least partially rule my life? Can I admit that I am split off from parts of my inner truth? Can I admit that I behave destructively toward myself and others?

4

From Trauma to Enlightenment

Optimal Use of this Book

5

Our experience, though, is that people who cannot look at their own traumatic history have a difficult time admitting to themselves who they really are—and connecting with what motivates them. This honest admission and connection is vital for self-therapy. Of note: We encourage you to take this process slowly. In fact, we know no other way. Many religious and spiritual traditions suggest that enlightenment can happen quickly, in a bolt of awakening light. That has not been our experience, despite the inevitable revelatory lightning bolts of insight that do come along the way—after much hard work. Although we see enlightenment as a goal, we keep in mind that it is an

Optimal Use of this Book

unfolding goal—and a process.

This book is divided into twelve sequential steps. Preceding each step

of us need longer than that, and discover self-therapy to be a process

we provide four yes-or-no questions which indicate whether or not you

that takes years, even decades—even a lifetime. If you take these steps

are ready to begin work on the step. We encourage you to meditate

seriously, and take seriously the tools associated with them, you should

carefully on each of these four questions, and if you can comfortably

have a lot of writing ahead of you, and a lot of internal processing. Both

answer them affirmatively—with a “yes”—then you are likely ready to

take time. Our job is to honor that.

This is not a workbook to complete in a day or a week. If you are in a rush, as many of us are when we begin self-therapy, working one step a week—or one step a month—might be a more reasonable goal. Many

enter the next step. If you cannot comfortably answer “yes” to these

We encourage you to be gentle with yourself as you undertake the

questions then you may not be ready to begin work on the subsequent

self-study that this book provides. We encourage you to practice self-

step, and will probably not derive optimal value from it—because you

kindness, self-love, and patience. Doing this process will be painful.

will not be operating from as solid a foundation of self-love and self-

That is inevitable. But it does not have to be torture. The traumas of

respect as might be necessary. Still, this does not mean that you will not

childhood were torture; repeating that in adulthood is not healing.

derive value from it, but we feel this value will be limited. If you answer the four preliminary questions in the negative—with a “no”— it is probably best to return to working and writing about an earlier step. And

We wish you strength and courage—and also ingenuity and selfrespect. These are vital for self-therapy, and we believe to our cores that every person has them. It is just a question of tapping in.

if you answer “no” to the four questions preceding Step One then you may not yet be ready to begin work on these steps, at least in an optimal way. In that case we would instead encourage you first to read over the book to get

Can I admit that I have unresolved traumas buried in my unconscious?

an idea of our point of view and second to practice some of the general selftherapy tools (which start on page 30). They are not step-specific, yet they provide a healing perspective and framework in and of themselves—and an opportunity to meditate more on your own behavior, on your discomfort in your life and relationships, and on your own history, particularly from childhood. Presumably you have come to this book for a reason—and you can also meditate on and write about this reason. Usually the reason a person comes to this book is closely tied up with his or her history of trauma.

Questions to Ask in Readiness to Take Step one

Can I admit that these traumas at least partially rule my life? Can I admit that I am split off from parts of my inner truth? Can I admit that I behave destructively toward myself and others?

6

From Trauma to Enlightenment

working the steps

Step One

t o o l s f o r w o r k i n g st e p o n e

We admit that the traumas buried in our unconscious rule our lives, make us powerless to embody the truth, and drive us to act out in ways destructive to ourselves, to others, and to the environment.

nresolved traumas, be they from childhood or later in life, fester in our unconscious and surface destructively in adulthood. Until we heal our ancient injuries an angry and hurt child

Set aside a safe, quiet, private space and time for writing. List the ways in which I am unsatisfied with my life. List my fears about engaging in a self-therapy process. List my resistances to taking my life more seriously. Self-reflect upon the kind of life I envision for myself if I were more healed. Write down ways in which I live a life that compromises the truth within me. Explore the ways in which I am humble.

is our false self, and with it in charge

Briefly list my self-destructive behaviors—including but not limited to addictions, obsessions, and compulsions.

we are cut off from our real self and

Briefly list the various ways in which I feel I am traumatized.

rules our life through an adult pose. This

powerless to embody the truth. Our unresolved traumas pollute our rela-

Write down the ways in which I have been lying to myself.

tionships and drive us to addiction,

Self-reflect upon what I feel I was meant to do on this earth.

depression,

dissociation,

and

other

forms of mental and physical illness. Our misplaced attempts to heal—and to numb and avoid our wounds—only add to our misery. Our lives suffer the

Do I believe that there is truth at my core?

brunt of our unconscious living, and our fellows and the environment also pay a price. When we look within and admit that this is what our life has come to, our healing process takes its first great step forward.

Questions to Ask in Readiness to Take Step Two

Do I believe that the truth at my core is more powerful than the lies that were imposed upon me? Can I accept that I am meant to become a true and connected person? Do I believe that I have the capacity for enlightenment?

7

6

From Trauma to Enlightenment

working the steps

Step One

t o o l s f o r w o r k i n g st e p o n e

We admit that the traumas buried in our unconscious rule our lives, make us powerless to embody the truth, and drive us to act out in ways destructive to ourselves, to others, and to the environment.

nresolved traumas, be they from childhood or later in life, fester in our unconscious and surface destructively in adulthood. Until we heal our ancient injuries an angry and hurt child

Set aside a safe, quiet, private space and time for writing. List the ways in which I am unsatisfied with my life. List my fears about engaging in a self-therapy process. List my resistances to taking my life more seriously. Self-reflect upon the kind of life I envision for myself if I were more healed. Write down ways in which I live a life that compromises the truth within me. Explore the ways in which I am humble.

is our false self, and with it in charge

Briefly list my self-destructive behaviors—including but not limited to addictions, obsessions, and compulsions.

we are cut off from our real self and

Briefly list the various ways in which I feel I am traumatized.

rules our life through an adult pose. This

powerless to embody the truth. Our unresolved traumas pollute our rela-

Write down the ways in which I have been lying to myself.

tionships and drive us to addiction,

Self-reflect upon what I feel I was meant to do on this earth.

depression,

dissociation,

and

other

forms of mental and physical illness. Our misplaced attempts to heal—and to numb and avoid our wounds—only add to our misery. Our lives suffer the

Do I believe that there is truth at my core?

brunt of our unconscious living, and our fellows and the environment also pay a price. When we look within and admit that this is what our life has come to, our healing process takes its first great step forward.

Questions to Ask in Readiness to Take Step Two

Do I believe that the truth at my core is more powerful than the lies that were imposed upon me? Can I accept that I am meant to become a true and connected person? Do I believe that I have the capacity for enlightenment?

7

8

From Trauma to Enlightenment

working the steps

Step two

t o o l s f o r w o r k i n g st e p t w o

We come to believe that the truth at our core is more powerful than the lies imposed upon us, and that this truth can lead us to enlightenment.

Write about a moment in which I knew I was in touch with truth. Self-reflect upon what I believe truth is. Investigate areas in my life in which I feel I am a healthy person. Make a list of all the things which I love about myself.

s children we intuited our basic birthright of truth but our godlike parents

contradicted

us.

They

claimed to love us but often behaved differently. Our confusion as children is understandable: in needing to believe in the goodness of our parents we, in our dependency, had no choice but to doubt ourselves. They lied to us—and where they did we became corrupted. We became like they were. But now we are adults. We no longer live under their tyranny, however mild or extreme it was, or under the strangling social systems that support them.

We have

options. This is the privilege of adulthood, and

Write about the things in which I have faith—and why I have faith in them. Write about ways in which I can tell the difference between the truth within me and a lie imposed upon me. Study the ways in which I am more empowered now as an adult than I was as a child in my family. List the unhealthy ways I am still connected to my family of origin—including psychically or mentally. Explore the ways in which I still doubt the best of myself. Self-reflect upon my conception of enlightenment—and my potential to achieve it.

the privilege of the insight that comes with it. We again intuit truth and discover that when we are honest we do not die, but instead feel affirmed. This leads us to believe that the truth at our core

Am I ready to make a decision that is in my own best interest, even if it might put me at odds with my family and culture?

is more powerful than the lies imposed upon us by our upbringing. We sense that with patience and perseverance we can bring the light of truth into all the dark and unconscious recesses of our psyche and into all the paralyzed sides of our personality. We sense that we can become fully conscious—which by definition is enlightenment.

Questions to Ask in Readiness to Take Step three

Do I feel ready to stand up to the self-hating parts of myself? Am I ready to commit to fighting for the best of myself? Am I ready to admit that I am my own best ally?

9

8

From Trauma to Enlightenment

working the steps

Step two

t o o l s f o r w o r k i n g st e p t w o

We come to believe that the truth at our core is more powerful than the lies imposed upon us, and that this truth can lead us to enlightenment.

Write about a moment in which I knew I was in touch with truth. Self-reflect upon what I believe truth is. Investigate areas in my life in which I feel I am a healthy person. Make a list of all the things which I love about myself.

s children we intuited our basic birthright of truth but our godlike parents

contradicted

us.

They

claimed to love us but often behaved differently. Our confusion as children is understandable: in needing to believe in the goodness of our parents we, in our dependency, had no choice but to doubt ourselves. They lied to us—and where they did we became corrupted. We became like they were. But now we are adults. We no longer live under their tyranny, however mild or extreme it was, or under the strangling social systems that support them.

We have

options. This is the privilege of adulthood, and the privilege of the insight that comes with it. We

Write about the things in which I have faith—and why I have faith in them. Write about ways in which I can tell the difference between the truth within me and a lie imposed upon me. Study the ways in which I am more empowered now as an adult than I was as a child in my family. List the unhealthy ways I am still connected to my family of origin—including psychically or mentally. Explore the ways in which I still doubt the best of myself. Self-reflect upon my conception of enlightenment—and my potential to achieve it.

again intuit truth and discover that when we are honest we do not die, but instead feel affirmed. This leads us to believe that the truth at our core

Am I ready to make a decision that is in my own best interest, even if it might put me at odds with my family and culture?

is more powerful than the lies imposed upon us by our upbringing. We sense that with patience and perseverance we can bring the light of truth into all the dark and unconscious recesses of our psyche and into all the paralyzed sides of our personality. We sense that we can become fully conscious—which by definition is enlightenment.

Questions to Ask in Readiness to Take Step three

Do I feel ready to stand up to the self-hating parts of myself? Am I ready to commit to fighting for the best of myself? Am I ready to admit that I am my own best ally?

9

10 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t

Step three We make a decision to align with truth, despite the pressure to submit to the distortions of family, society, and the historical voices we carry within.

working the steps

t o o l s f o r w o r k i n g st e p t h r e e Write about the things in my life—healthy or unhealthy—to which am I presently committed. Self-reflect upon why I have made these commitments. Write about the ways I am already true to the best of myself. Explore ways to better care for myself so I have more strength to stand up to the denial and pressure of family and society.

nce we have experienced truth it demands our allegiance. For too long we have betrayed ourselves in order to please our parents and their surrogates in society. Despite massive family and social pressure to conform to duplicitous norms we now make a decision to be true to ourselves. This does not win us allies in our families, but it aligns us with the best of ourselves. Our parents and siblings have sacrificed much of their freedom and life force to submit to ancestral denial, and they expect the same from us. When we do not comply, they threaten us with expulsion, abandonment, and the withholding of love. Yet we resist these threats. No

Write about various ways in which I sell myself out. Investigate how I procrastinate or have empty fantasies. Explore through writing my relationships with family members— particularly my power dynamics with them. Take distance from my family in order to access a clearer picture of their power dynamics. Self-reflect upon how my family punishes its members for rebelling against its troubled norms. Explore my fears about breaking from my family of origin and becoming more honest. Study a healthy undertaking I have done in my life—and how I built a foundation to make it possible. Write about ways I have defied my family’s denial and stood by my voice of inner truth.

matter what voices haunt our psyche, or literally fill the family dialogue with chatter of retribution, we listen instead to our deep, quiet, and authentic voice of inner truth. We make a decision to

Can I acknowledge that the worst things done to me bear no reflection on my perfection as a human being?

align, moment by moment, day by day, with the truth at our core, and we begin to accumulate significant time and practice at rightful living.

Questions to Ask in Readiness to Take Step Four

Am I ready to look my traumas in the eye and indict those who traumatized me? Is my life stable enough to be able to withstand the torment of opening old wounds? Do I have the strength to study my painful history and not leap into forgiving those who wronged me?

11

10 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t

Step three We make a decision to align with truth, despite the pressure to submit to the distortions of family, society, and the historical voices we carry within.

working the steps

t o o l s f o r w o r k i n g st e p t h r e e Write about the things in my life—healthy or unhealthy—to which am I presently committed. Self-reflect upon why I have made these commitments. Write about the ways I am already true to the best of myself. Explore ways to better care for myself so I have more strength to stand up to the denial and pressure of family and society.

nce we have experienced truth it demands our allegiance. For too long we have betrayed ourselves in order to please our parents and their surrogates in society. Despite massive family and social pressure to conform to duplicitous norms we now make a decision to be true to ourselves. This does not win us allies in our families, but it aligns us with the best of ourselves. Our parents and siblings have sacrificed much of their freedom and life force to submit to ancestral denial, and they expect the same from us. When we do not comply, they threaten us with expulsion, abandonment, and the withholding of love. Yet we resist these threats. No

Write about various ways in which I sell myself out. Investigate how I procrastinate or have empty fantasies. Explore through writing my relationships with family members— particularly my power dynamics with them. Take distance from my family in order to access a clearer picture of their power dynamics. Self-reflect upon how my family punishes its members for rebelling against its troubled norms. Explore my fears about breaking from my family of origin and becoming more honest. Study a healthy undertaking I have done in my life—and how I built a foundation to make it possible. Write about ways I have defied my family’s denial and stood by my voice of inner truth.

matter what voices haunt our psyche, or literally fill the family dialogue with chatter of retribution, we listen instead to our deep, quiet, and authentic voice of inner truth. We make a decision to

Can I acknowledge that the worst things done to me bear no reflection on my perfection as a human being?

align, moment by moment, day by day, with the truth at our core, and we begin to accumulate significant time and practice at rightful living.

Questions to Ask in Readiness to Take Step Four

Am I ready to look my traumas in the eye and indict those who traumatized me? Is my life stable enough to be able to withstand the torment of opening old wounds? Do I have the strength to study my painful history and not leap into forgiving those who wronged me?

11

12 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t

Step four We make a searching and fearless assessment of our traumatic history—personal, familial, and ancestral.

hen we align with our spark of inner truth, we realize that there is more to us than our painful history. Even though we were traumatized as children, and re-traumatized as adults, we are not our traumas. Underneath it all, we are true, unhurt, and real. Our core of perfection is beyond question. This knowledge, solidified through working the first three steps, allows us to investigate our past with

working the steps

t o o l s f o r w o r k i n g st e p f o u r Create a detailed list of the traumas and violations I experienced or suspect I experienced in childhood. Create a separate list of the traumas I experienced in adulthood. Write out the exact details of each trauma, including my emotional reactions to each. Explore and implement ways to maximize self-care during this process of inner excavation. Journal about how my life’s traumatic events changed me; include who I was before, during, and after the traumas. Investigate any connections or patterns between my traumas of childhood and my traumas of adult life. Take distance from family of origin and keep a journal about this process, including events, emotions, thoughts, and conversations. Write an assessment of who my family thinks I am—and who I really am.

manner. The exact accounting of our history of

Draw a detailed family tree, annotating the traumas experienced by each member.

abuse, be it subtle or overt abuse, is necessary

Highlight the intergenerational connections between the traumas.

because we can only heal those wounds we

Do my best to analyze my dreams—focusing on the connection between my dream content and trauma history.

detachment—and in a searching and fearless

acknowledge. Despite the terror our wounded inner child feels if we do not protect our parents, we hold off on forgiving and instead

Self-reflect upon my feelings that arise during this process of Fourth Step exploration.

give ourselves the permission to exhume the tomb of our past. We hold our perpetrators accountable for the crimes they inflicted on our spirit. We indict our parents, our families,

Do I feel confident that I have a deep grasp and practice of the first four steps?

and the religious and social traditions of our ancestors for the ways in which they failed us. They broke us, and through acknowledging this objectively we open the doors to fixing ourselves.

Questions to Ask in Readiness to Take Step five

Am I ready to admit to myself the full details and scope of my traumatic history? Am I ready to admit my traumatic history to a healthy, mature person? Do I have a strong sense of what is emotional maturity in a person?

13

12 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t

Step four We make a searching and fearless assessment of our traumatic history—personal, familial, and ancestral.

hen we align with our spark of inner truth, we realize that there is more to us than our painful history. Even though we were traumatized as children, and re-traumatized as adults, we are not our traumas. Underneath it all, we are true, unhurt, and real. Our core of perfection is beyond question. This knowledge, solidified through working the first three steps, allows us to investigate our past with

working the steps

t o o l s f o r w o r k i n g st e p f o u r Create a detailed list of the traumas and violations I experienced or suspect I experienced in childhood. Create a separate list of the traumas I experienced in adulthood. Write out the exact details of each trauma, including my emotional reactions to each. Explore and implement ways to maximize self-care during this process of inner excavation. Journal about how my life’s traumatic events changed me; include who I was before, during, and after the traumas. Investigate any connections or patterns between my traumas of childhood and my traumas of adult life. Take distance from family of origin and keep a journal about this process, including events, emotions, thoughts, and conversations. Write an assessment of who my family thinks I am—and who I really am.

manner. The exact accounting of our history of

Draw a detailed family tree, annotating the traumas experienced by each member.

abuse, be it subtle or overt abuse, is necessary

Highlight the intergenerational connections between the traumas.

because we can only heal those wounds we

Do my best to analyze my dreams—focusing on the connection between my dream content and trauma history.

detachment—and in a searching and fearless

acknowledge. Despite the terror our wounded inner child feels if we do not protect our parents, we hold off on forgiving and instead

Self-reflect upon my feelings that arise during this process of Fourth Step exploration.

give ourselves the permission to exhume the tomb of our past. We hold our perpetrators accountable for the crimes they inflicted on our spirit. We indict our parents, our families,

Do I feel confident that I have a deep grasp and practice of the first four steps?

and the religious and social traditions of our ancestors for the ways in which they failed us. They broke us, and through acknowledging this objectively we open the doors to fixing ourselves.

Questions to Ask in Readiness to Take Step five

Am I ready to admit to myself the full details and scope of my traumatic history? Am I ready to admit my traumatic history to a healthy, mature person? Do I have a strong sense of what is emotional maturity in a person?

13

14 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t

Step five

working the steps

t o o l s f o r w o r k i n g st e p f i v e Carefully read over my written assessment from Step Four.

We admit to ourselves and to a mature person the full details of our traumas.

Self-reflect upon and write about my reactions to my work from Step Four. Investigate my fears of sharing my traumatic history.

efore we tell another person the full and forbidden details of our traumatic history, we need to tell ourselves.

We can only safely

share in public what we have first owned in private.

We must be the first to witness

our childhood dilemma in all its detail—to assemble the jumbled pieces of the puzzle into a unified whole. Then we need to tell another mature person. This makes our story undeniably real. We tell someone who has already grieved a great degree of his or her own traumatic past, because they will not doubt the reality of our story to protect an idealized version of their parents. They will empathize with the heartbreak we suffered and will neither

Make a list of people (not family members) who would be appropriate to hear my Fourth Step assessment; contact the best one. Explain the nature of the first three steps to that person to see if s/he demonstrates a quick, easy grasp of their concepts. (If he or she does not, s/he cannot be expected to be an appropriate person for sharing.) Explain the nature of Steps Four and Five to that person, and keep a journal exploring my feelings about this interaction. Share in person my written Fourth Step with this mature individual—and listen to his or her response. Write down my reactions to having shared my written Fourth Step. If appropriate or necessary, share my Fourth Step with another mature individual—to hear his or her response.

defend our traumatizers nor blame us. This enlightened witness reminds us that we did not deserve to be violated. The crime was committed against us, not by us. Abuse is not love and Can I simply and comfortably articulate the dimensions of my false self?

never was. Our witness reassures us that no matter what happened to us, our core remains untainted. Our witness mirrors what should have been mirrored when we were children: our perfection.

Questions to Ask in Readiness to Take Step six

Can I see why I needed a false self as a child? Am I ready to handle the horror of letting go of my false self—a process which will lead me into grief? Have I successfully incorporated patience into my healing process?

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Step five

working the steps

t o o l s f o r w o r k i n g st e p f i v e Carefully read over my written assessment from Step Four.

We admit to ourselves and to a mature person the full details of our traumas.

Self-reflect upon and write about my reactions to my work from Step Four. Investigate my fears of sharing my traumatic history.

efore we tell another person the full and forbidden details of our traumatic history, we need to tell ourselves.

We can only safely

share in public what we have first owned in private.

We must be the first to witness

our childhood dilemma in all its detail—to assemble the jumbled pieces of the puzzle into a unified whole. Then we need to tell another mature person. This makes our story undeniably real. We tell someone who has already grieved a great degree of his or her own traumatic past, because they will not doubt the reality of our story to protect an idealized version of their parents. They will empathize with the heartbreak we suffered and will neither

Make a list of people (not family members) who would be appropriate to hear my Fourth Step assessment; contact the best one. Explain the nature of the first three steps to that person to see if s/he demonstrates a quick, easy grasp of their concepts. (If he or she does not, s/he cannot be expected to be an appropriate person for sharing.) Explain the nature of Steps Four and Five to that person, and keep a journal exploring my feelings about this interaction. Share in person my written Fourth Step with this mature individual—and listen to his or her response. Write down my reactions to having shared my written Fourth Step. If appropriate or necessary, share my Fourth Step with another mature individual—to hear his or her response.

defend our traumatizers nor blame us. This enlightened witness reminds us that we did not deserve to be violated. The crime was committed against us, not by us. Abuse is not love and Can I simply and comfortably articulate the dimensions of my false self?

never was. Our witness reassures us that no matter what happened to us, our core remains untainted. Our witness mirrors what should have been mirrored when we were children: our perfection.

Questions to Ask in Readiness to Take Step six

Can I see why I needed a false self as a child? Am I ready to handle the horror of letting go of my false self—a process which will lead me into grief? Have I successfully incorporated patience into my healing process?

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16 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t

Step six We become entirely ready to grieve this past and to let go of our false self.

working the steps

t o o l s f o r w o r k i n g st e p s i x Journal about how my life has changed thus far in working these steps. Write down the exact nature and description of my false self. List the various purposes my false self serves in my life.

e are at the crossroads of our old and new life and we intuit that the only way to release our heartbreaking history is to grieve. We approach this profound sorrow slowly—and deliberately. We would be overwhelmed if we leapt precipitously into shedding our lifetime of camouflage—into dismantling the false self that has for so long shielded us from harsh realities. The loss of the illusion of idealized parental love is horrifying, yet easy to under­estimate. It

Investigate the fears lurking behind the various aspects of my false self. Self-reflect upon the hopes buried behind the various aspects of my false self. Write about my history of grieving. Make a written list of my personality strengths and weaknesses. Make a written assessment of the healthiest aspects of my lifestyle and the unhealthiest aspects of my lifestyle. Write about the healthiness of my relationships. Explore through writing what might be blocking me from grieving.

move forward until we do. So we slow

Investigate my fears about grieving—and my fears of what I might lose through grieving.

down and prepare ourselves. We nurture

List the areas in my life in which I have patience and lack patience.

is wrenching to surrender, but we cannot

our healthy lifestyle. We optimize our allies. We work to respect the natural timing of our healing process. We become masters of patience. We become

Am I ready to take my own side once and for all, despite the rejection I might face from family and friends?

entirely ready to grieve our past and to let of go of our false self. Questions to Ask in Readiness to Take Step seven

Am I ready to step forward into a consonant connection with the best of me? Am I ready to be transformed into something entirely new and different? Have I created a safe space in which to grieve my past?

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16 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t

Step six We become entirely ready to grieve this past and to let go of our false self.

working the steps

t o o l s f o r w o r k i n g st e p s i x Journal about how my life has changed thus far in working these steps. Write down the exact nature and description of my false self. List the various purposes my false self serves in my life.

e are at the crossroads of our old and new life and we intuit that the only way to release our heartbreaking history is to grieve. We approach this profound sorrow slowly—and deliberately. We would be overwhelmed if we leapt precipitously into shedding our lifetime of camouflage—into dismantling the false self that has for so long shielded us from harsh realities. The loss of the illusion of idealized parental love is horrifying, yet easy to under­estimate. It

Investigate the fears lurking behind the various aspects of my false self. Self-reflect upon the hopes buried behind the various aspects of my false self. Write about my history of grieving. Make a written list of my personality strengths and weaknesses. Make a written assessment of the healthiest aspects of my lifestyle and the unhealthiest aspects of my lifestyle. Write about the healthiness of my relationships. Explore through writing what might be blocking me from grieving.

move forward until we do. So we slow

Investigate my fears about grieving—and my fears of what I might lose through grieving.

down and prepare ourselves. We nurture

List the areas in my life in which I have patience and lack patience.

is wrenching to surrender, but we cannot

our healthy lifestyle. We optimize our allies. We work to respect the natural timing of our healing process. We become masters of patience. We become

Am I ready to take my own side once and for all, despite the rejection I might face from family and friends?

entirely ready to grieve our past and to let of go of our false self. Questions to Ask in Readiness to Take Step seven

Am I ready to step forward into a consonant connection with the best of me? Am I ready to be transformed into something entirely new and different? Have I created a safe space in which to grieve my past?

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18 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t

Step seven We align with our true self and do the deep and transforming work of grieving.

working the steps

t o o l s f o r w o r k i n g st e p s e v e n Write down a list of my life’s safest places. List the places in my life where grieving feels unsafe or inappropriate. Self-reflect upon the strengths, weaknesses, and patterns in my interpersonal boundaries with others.

s we undergo the disintegrating work of grief, we cling to what is constant within us—our core of truth. What is collapsing around us is false. In Step Three we made the decision to align with truth, and now we put our decision into practice. We are ready to endure the onslaught of feelings we have held in check for a lifetime—the upwelling grief over the tragedy of our childhood. Grieving is our true response to trauma—and the one response we were never allowed to feel. We have now created a safe and private space to feel our pain—and our rage, and our hatred for our abusers. We recognize all these feelings as part of our grief process, and we embrace them.

Set aside a time and place for grieving—and give myself that time and place. Journal about what releases my grief. Explore how it feels to grieve. Write about and explore how grief changes my perceptions of myself. Set aside healthy time for good, gentle exercise, and write about how this exercise feels. Give myself the opportunity to get a good night’s sleep every night. Spend at least some time every day in good, healthy fun—and write about this. Maximize my healthy company—and minimize my time with people who do not understand or respect my grieving process.

We acknowledge that our abusers hurt us because they failed to evolve beyond their own traumatic history—but we do not exonerate their cruel errors. Instead we break the cycle.

Am I ready to look objectively at my destructive (and self-destructive) behavior without hating my true self?

This will neither change our dismal past nor change those who abused us, but it will change us. Grieving is our rebirth into an honest adult self.

Questions to Ask in Readiness to Take Step eight

Do I have the perspective to see how the damage I did (to myself and others) was a replication of the damage done to me when I was younger? Have I resolved my sense of shame and self-hatred? Am I ready to take responsibility for what I have done?

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18 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t

Step seven We align with our true self and do the deep and transforming work of grieving.

working the steps

t o o l s f o r w o r k i n g st e p s e v e n Write down a list of my life’s safest places. List the places in my life where grieving feels unsafe or inappropriate. Self-reflect upon the strengths, weaknesses, and patterns in my interpersonal boundaries with others.

s we undergo the disintegrating work of grief, we cling to what is constant within us—our core of truth. What is collapsing around us is false. In Step Three we made the decision to align with truth, and now we put our decision into practice. We are ready to endure the onslaught of feelings we have held in check for a lifetime—the upwelling grief over the tragedy of our childhood. Grieving is our true response to trauma—and the one response we were never allowed to feel. We have now created a safe and private space to feel our pain—and our rage, and our hatred for our abusers. We recognize all these feelings as part of our grief process, and we embrace them.

Set aside a time and place for grieving—and give myself that time and place. Journal about what releases my grief. Explore how it feels to grieve. Write about and explore how grief changes my perceptions of myself. Set aside healthy time for good, gentle exercise, and write about how this exercise feels. Give myself the opportunity to get a good night’s sleep every night. Spend at least some time every day in good, healthy fun—and write about this. Maximize my healthy company—and minimize my time with people who do not understand or respect my grieving process.

We acknowledge that our abusers hurt us because they failed to evolve beyond their own traumatic history—but we do not exonerate their cruel errors. Instead we break the cycle.

Am I ready to look objectively at my destructive (and self-destructive) behavior without hating my true self?

This will neither change our dismal past nor change those who abused us, but it will change us. Grieving is our rebirth into an honest adult self.

Questions to Ask in Readiness to Take Step eight

Do I have the perspective to see how the damage I did (to myself and others) was a replication of the damage done to me when I was younger? Have I resolved my sense of shame and self-hatred? Am I ready to take responsibility for what I have done?

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20 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t

working the steps

Step eight

t o o l s f o r w o r k i n g st e p e i g h t

We study the ways we have hurt ourselves, others, and the environment through replication of our traumas, and we become willing to make amends to them all.

List the damages I have done to myself. List the damages I have done to others. List the damages I have done to the environment. Explore in detail each item on the previous three lists.

ow that we have grieved what was done to us we are ready to take responsibility for what we have done—and what we do. Had we attempted this before we held our perpetrators accountable, we would have misjudged what motivated our behavior and inappropriately pathologized ourselves. We can see that our worst thoughts and actions were only a coded replication of the worst that was done to us. Now it is our job to sort out the code. We trace the connection between the traumas we suffered and

Trace (through self-reflection, preferably writing) how each of the damages I did were replications of the past traumas done to me. Investigate the coded language through which I replicated or acted out my traumas. If I feel self-hatred or self-loathing as the result of this exploration then return to working Step One to heal those traumas I previously overlooked. Write about whether or not I am using Step Eight as a weapon against my true self—and if so explore what this is replicating. Study in depth my addictive patterns and behavior across my whole life and across my personality. Self-reflect upon how I have misused power dynamics in relationships to act out my traumas.

the traumas we committed—and continue

Explore what the concept of making amends means to me.

to commit. We connect our defeating adult

Write about my emotional reactions to working this step.

behavior to the wounds of our childhood. It was never our true self that was hurtful, only our wounded and raging child. With this mature perspective, we become willing

Am I ready to let go of my bad behavior?

to make amends to all we have harmed: ourselves, others, and our planet home.

Am I ready to grow up? Questions to Ask in Readiness to Take Step nine

Am I free of ulterior motives for changing my inappropriate behavior? Am I ready to face potential backlash from others, especially from family and friends, for changing my behavior?

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20 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t

working the steps

Step eight

t o o l s f o r w o r k i n g st e p e i g h t

We study the ways we have hurt ourselves, others, and the environment through replication of our traumas, and we become willing to make amends to them all.

List the damages I have done to myself. List the damages I have done to others. List the damages I have done to the environment. Explore in detail each item on the previous three lists.

ow that we have grieved what was done to us we are ready to take responsibility for what we have done—and what we do. Had we attempted this before we held our perpetrators accountable, we would have misjudged what motivated our behavior and inappropriately pathologized ourselves. We can see that our worst thoughts and actions were only a coded replication of the worst that was done to us. Now it is our job to sort out the code. We trace the connection between the traumas we suffered and

Trace (through self-reflection, preferably writing) how each of the damages I did were replications of the past traumas done to me. Investigate the coded language through which I replicated or acted out my traumas. If I feel self-hatred or self-loathing as the result of this exploration then return to working Step One to heal those traumas I previously overlooked. Write about whether or not I am using Step Eight as a weapon against my true self—and if so explore what this is replicating. Study in depth my addictive patterns and behavior across my whole life and across my personality. Self-reflect upon how I have misused power dynamics in relationships to act out my traumas.

the traumas we committed—and continue

Explore what the concept of making amends means to me.

to commit. We connect our defeating adult

Write about my emotional reactions to working this step.

behavior to the wounds of our childhood. It was never our true self that was hurtful, only our wounded and raging child. With this mature perspective, we become willing

Am I ready to let go of my bad behavior?

to make amends to all we have harmed: ourselves, others, and our planet home.

Am I ready to grow up? Questions to Ask in Readiness to Take Step nine

Am I free of ulterior motives for changing my inappropriate behavior? Am I ready to face potential backlash from others, especially from family and friends, for changing my behavior?

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22 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t

Step nine We change our inappropriate behavior.

t o o l s f o r w o r k i n g st e p n i n e Write a daily journal of the actions I would like to do differently for the day. Change those actions one day at a time, and write about this process.

ow that we can acknowledge our replicated history of betrayal, we are ready to take responsibility and make amends. The most powerful amend we can make is to change our inappropriate behavior. This speaks louder than any apology, promise, or vow. All too often our apologies and promises only disguise our resistance to change—and our desire to get others’ approval and have them meet our thwarted childhood needs. We have long been doing this, and now we stop it. We say goodbye to our addictions, our negative attitudes, our selfdestructive dynamics, our manipulations, and our exploitative patterns. Our amended life is proof that we are sorry about our old ways and are serious about beginning anew. Our amended life is a gift to ourselves and to the people and world around us. Yet not all may be comfortable with our tran-

After changing an inappropriate behavior write about how it feels to live a different way. Continue analyzing my dreams to the best of my ability. Explore the changes in my dream patterns throughout this self-therapy process. Self-reflect (preferably through writing) on how I feel differently about myself now that I have changed so dramatically. Keep a list, either brief or detailed, of the inappropriate behaviors I have changed—and keep anniversaries of when I discontinued them. List the personality characteristics of the person I dream of becoming. Regularly try something new and healthy that I wouldn’t have previously considered, and meditate on this unfolding process. Take note of others around me who similarly reflect a healthier way of living—and befriend these people.

sition. People are used to us behaving the old way. We may lose some friends and intimates—and even family members. With this in mind, we act

Do I comfortably and naturally self-reflect upon my thoughts and behavior?

gently and with compassion. But we act. We may feel like lone individuals on our journey, but as we begin to radiate the truth of positive, constructive living, the whole world feels the shift.

Questions to Ask in Readiness to Take Step ten

Has it become a reflex for me to trace my inappropriate behavior to past traumatic origins? Do I recognize that my life is now dramatically different from what it used to be? Do I lead a healthy lifestyle?

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22 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t

Step nine We change our inappropriate behavior.

t o o l s f o r w o r k i n g st e p n i n e Write a daily journal of the actions I would like to do differently for the day. Change those actions one day at a time, and write about this process.

ow that we can acknowledge our replicated history of betrayal, we are ready to take responsibility and make amends. The most powerful amend we can make is to change our inappropriate behavior. This speaks louder than any apology, promise, or vow. All too often our apologies and promises only disguise our resistance to change—and our desire to get others’ approval and have them meet our thwarted childhood needs. We have long been doing this, and now we stop it. We say goodbye to our addictions, our negative attitudes, our selfdestructive dynamics, our manipulations, and our exploitative patterns. Our amended life is proof that we are sorry about our old ways and are serious about beginning anew. Our amended life is a gift to ourselves and to the people and world around us. Yet not all may be comfortable with our tran-

After changing an inappropriate behavior write about how it feels to live a different way. Continue analyzing my dreams to the best of my ability. Explore the changes in my dream patterns throughout this self-therapy process. Self-reflect (preferably through writing) on how I feel differently about myself now that I have changed so dramatically. Keep a list, either brief or detailed, of the inappropriate behaviors I have changed—and keep anniversaries of when I discontinued them. List the personality characteristics of the person I dream of becoming. Regularly try something new and healthy that I wouldn’t have previously considered, and meditate on this unfolding process. Take note of others around me who similarly reflect a healthier way of living—and befriend these people.

sition. People are used to us behaving the old way. We may lose some friends and intimates—and even family members. With this in mind, we act

Do I comfortably and naturally self-reflect upon my thoughts and behavior?

gently and with compassion. But we act. We may feel like lone individuals on our journey, but as we begin to radiate the truth of positive, constructive living, the whole world feels the shift.

Questions to Ask in Readiness to Take Step ten

Has it become a reflex for me to trace my inappropriate behavior to past traumatic origins? Do I recognize that my life is now dramatically different from what it used to be? Do I lead a healthy lifestyle?

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24 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t

Step ten We continue to monitor our attitudes and behavior, and when we make a mistake we promptly admit it, trace its traumatic origin, and take steps not to repeat it.

t o o l s f o r w o r k i n g st e p t e n Explore through journaling the events of my day to assess the healthiness of my behavior. Meditate on and write about the various self-therapy slogans (which start on page 33) and apply them to my daily life. Several times a day, take a few moments out of my schedule to have a private inner dialogue with myself.

t is easy to revert to old attitudes and behavior. Often we do this in subtle and insidious ways. For this reason we continue to monitor the events of our day, moment by moment if necessary, to assess where we have become successful adults and where we still behave as hurt, reactive children. When we discover that we make a misstep in our life and fail to live connected with our true self, we treat ourselves gently and remember that this is but an eruption from our troubled

If I catch myself engaging in inappropriate behavior or thoughts, take a step back and explore its traumatic origin— and write about it. Continue to analyze my dreams with a focus on tracing their traumatic origins—especially their origins from childhood. Study my interactive patterns in friendships and assess (preferably through writing) the healthiness versus unhealthiness of my behavior. Investigate the ways in which I continue to replicate unhealthy patterns in my life.

past. It is not easy to change an entire way of

Self-reflect upon my changing feelings toward my family of origin.

life—though it can be done. Having learned

Write about the strengths and weaknesses of my dedication to my healing process.

a new way to live we trace the source of our misdeed or negative feeling to its traumatic origin. Our process thus far has taught us that

Continue to change my inappropriate behavior—and document this change through writing.

understanding our past is the key to forward progress.

We discipline ourselves to avoid

the people, places, and things that trigger old, unhealthy responses. We do what is necessary

Can I recognize the sound of my inner voice of truth?

to continue on our new, constructive way of living. Healing has become our lifestyle—and through it we daily renew our commitment to the best of ourselves.

Questions to Ask in Readiness to Take Step eleven

Is enlightenment no longer a mystery to me? Do I accept that my heart knows exactly what my inner calling is? Do I trust that if I listen to my heart my path will be revealed?

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24 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t

Step ten We continue to monitor our attitudes and behavior, and when we make a mistake we promptly admit it, trace its traumatic origin, and take steps not to repeat it.

t o o l s f o r w o r k i n g st e p t e n Explore through journaling the events of my day to assess the healthiness of my behavior. Meditate on and write about the various self-therapy slogans (which start on page 33) and apply them to my daily life. Several times a day, take a few moments out of my schedule to have a private inner dialogue with myself.

t is easy to revert to old attitudes and behavior. Often we do this in subtle and insidious ways. For this reason we continue to monitor the events of our day, moment by moment if necessary, to assess where we have become successful adults and where we still behave as hurt, reactive children. When we discover that we make a misstep in our life and fail to live connected with our true self, we treat ourselves gently and remember that this is but an eruption from our troubled

If I catch myself engaging in inappropriate behavior or thoughts, take a step back and explore its traumatic origin— and write about it. Continue to analyze my dreams with a focus on tracing their traumatic origins—especially their origins from childhood. Study my interactive patterns in friendships and assess (preferably through writing) the healthiness versus unhealthiness of my behavior. Investigate the ways in which I continue to replicate unhealthy patterns in my life.

past. It is not easy to change an entire way of

Self-reflect upon my changing feelings toward my family of origin.

life—though it can be done. Having learned

Write about the strengths and weaknesses of my dedication to my healing process.

a new way to live we trace the source of our misdeed or negative feeling to its traumatic origin. Our process thus far has taught us that

Continue to change my inappropriate behavior—and document this change through writing.

understanding our past is the key to forward progress.

We discipline ourselves to avoid

the people, places, and things that trigger old, unhealthy responses. We do what is necessary

Can I recognize the sound of my inner voice of truth?

to continue on our new, constructive way of living. Healing has become our lifestyle—and through it we daily renew our commitment to the best of ourselves.

Questions to Ask in Readiness to Take Step eleven

Is enlightenment no longer a mystery to me? Do I accept that my heart knows exactly what my inner calling is? Do I trust that if I listen to my heart my path will be revealed?

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26 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t

Step eleven

t o o l s f o r w o r k i n g st e p e l e v e n Set aside time each day for various forms of self-reflection.

We seek through self-reflection an ever deepening connection to the truth, desiring only to be guided to our life’s calling.

Nourish my relationship with my inner voice. When I self-reflect, ask my deepest and most private self to guide me to my life’s calling. Journal about what my life’s deepest calling might be.

elf-reflection is any conscious, non-dissociative form of prayer, meditation, or seeking.

In a

mindful manner we speak and listen to our depths for guidance. This practice keeps us firmly rooted on our path and opens the way to the truth that the genius in our soul has been waiting a lifetime to manifest. Having grieved our traumatic history we find that our life force is no longer held captive by ancient shackles. We are no longer blocked by an impenetrable wall of traumas, defenses, and self-hating

Make a detailed list of all the things I love to do in my life. Write about the things that make me happiest in the world. Write a detailed list of all the things I love most about myself. Self-reflect upon what I feel are my best personal qualities— and greatest gifts. Self-reflect upon what I would most like to become in my life (regardless of my age). Investigate my deepest hopes and wishes for myself. Study and write about my greatest hopes and wishes for the world.

voices. Our freed energy allows us the deep-

Self-reflect upon how I hope to manifest my dreams and goals.

est connection to the best of ourselves—and

Journal on how I can best use my life to be a guide in this troubled world.

to enhanced personal power. However, we do not abuse our power to dominate others or to exploit the material world. If we do, we are only deluding ourselves. Our sole desire

Can I see how much I have awakened through working these steps?

for aligning with truth and its power is to guide us to our life’s calling. Questions to Ask in Readiness to Take Step twelve

Do I have a deeply conscious connection with my life’s greatest purpose? Am I ready to dedicate my life to the full manifestation of my inner calling? Can I appreciate the value in nurturing the healing paths of others?

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26 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t

Step eleven

t o o l s f o r w o r k i n g st e p e l e v e n Set aside time each day for various forms of self-reflection.

We seek through self-reflection an ever deepening connection to the truth, desiring only to be guided to our life’s calling.

Nourish my relationship with my inner voice. When I self-reflect, ask my deepest and most private self to guide me to my life’s calling. Journal about what my life’s deepest calling might be.

elf-reflection is any conscious, non-dissociative form of prayer, meditation, or seeking.

In a

mindful manner we speak and listen to our depths for guidance. This practice keeps us firmly rooted on our path and opens the way to the truth that the genius in our soul has been waiting a lifetime to manifest. Having grieved our traumatic history we find that our life force is no longer held captive by ancient shackles. We are no longer blocked by an impenetrable wall of traumas, defenses, and self-hating

Make a detailed list of all the things I love to do in my life. Write about the things that make me happiest in the world. Write a detailed list of all the things I love most about myself. Self-reflect upon what I feel are my best personal qualities— and greatest gifts. Self-reflect upon what I would most like to become in my life (regardless of my age). Investigate my deepest hopes and wishes for myself. Study and write about my greatest hopes and wishes for the world.

voices. Our freed energy allows us the deep-

Self-reflect upon how I hope to manifest my dreams and goals.

est connection to the best of ourselves—and

Journal on how I can best use my life to be a guide in this troubled world.

to enhanced personal power. However, we do not abuse our power to dominate others or to exploit the material world. If we do, we are only deluding ourselves. Our sole desire

Can I see how much I have awakened through working these steps?

for aligning with truth and its power is to guide us to our life’s calling. Questions to Ask in Readiness to Take Step twelve

Do I have a deeply conscious connection with my life’s greatest purpose? Am I ready to dedicate my life to the full manifestation of my inner calling? Can I appreciate the value in nurturing the healing paths of others?

28 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t

Step twelve Having awakened to our inner calling, we dedicate our lives to its full manifestation and to nurturing the healing paths of others. ow that we have awakened from the nightmare of trauma, we find ourselves living a conscious, purposeful life. No longer locked in a shroud of repressed terror, our life force is freed to evolve and activate our unique gifts and talents. With our censoring voices silenced, we can now speak openly and embody truth. With our fears of rejection diminished, we can accept the best of ourselves. Are we fully enlightened? Certainly we have had glimpses, periods of time when nothing interceded between us and truth. Now that we know what enlightenment is and that it is possible for us and for all, we dedicate our lives to bringing this gift into full manifestation. Do we have an obligation to help others?

w o r k i n g t h e s t e p s 29

t o o l s f o r w o r k i n g st e p t w e l v e Write about the ways in which I have awakened to my inner calling. Self-reflect upon how much my life has changed as the result of my self-therapy process. Write about how much my dreams—both waking and conscious— have shifted as the result of my self-therapy process. Self-reflect upon and write about the things to which I am dedicated in my life. Have a regular inner dialogue with myself about ways in which I can optimize my dedication to my life’s calling. Optimize my relationships with healthy and healing allies. Write about my fears and difficulties living as an enlightened being in such a troubled world. Self-reflect upon the parts of me that still have fears about being a strong and enlightened being. Investigate the sacrifices I am willing to make in order to optimize my ability to be a useful being in the world. Write down my deepest goals in life. Meditate on my ability to best manifest truth in the world. Write about the best ways that I can be of service in nurturing the healing paths of others.

Our hearts give us this answer: Yes! We are all connected and cannot abandon the world to its agony and illusions. We who have experienced enlightenment, be it fleeting or eternal, work in the world and dedicate our lives to nurturing the healing paths of others. This is the life of deepest meaning.

This concludes the arc of the twelve steps of self-therapy. Many find it useful to return to Step One and rework the steps from a newer, more integrated and enlightened perspective.

28 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t

Step twelve Having awakened to our inner calling, we dedicate our lives to its full manifestation and to nurturing the healing paths of others. ow that we have awakened from the nightmare of trauma, we find ourselves living a conscious, purposeful life. No longer locked in a shroud of repressed terror, our life force is freed to evolve and activate our unique gifts and talents. With our censoring voices silenced, we can now speak openly and embody truth. With our fears of rejection diminished, we can accept the best of ourselves. Are we fully enlightened? Certainly we have had glimpses, periods of time when nothing interceded between us and truth. Now that we know what enlightenment is and that it is possible for us and for all, we dedicate our lives to bringing this gift into full manifestation. Do we have an obligation to help others?

w o r k i n g t h e s t e p s 29

t o o l s f o r w o r k i n g st e p t w e l v e Write about the ways in which I have awakened to my inner calling. Self-reflect upon how much my life has changed as the result of my self-therapy process. Write about how much my dreams—both waking and conscious— have shifted as the result of my self-therapy process. Self-reflect upon and write about the things to which I am dedicated in my life. Have a regular inner dialogue with myself about ways in which I can optimize my dedication to my life’s calling. Optimize my relationships with healthy and healing allies. Write about my fears and difficulties living as an enlightened being in such a troubled world. Self-reflect upon the parts of me that still have fears about being a strong and enlightened being. Investigate the sacrifices I am willing to make in order to optimize my ability to be a useful being in the world. Write down my deepest goals in life. Meditate on my ability to best manifest truth in the world. Write about the best ways that I can be of service in nurturing the healing paths of others.

Our hearts give us this answer: Yes! We are all connected and cannot abandon the world to its agony and illusions. We who have experienced enlightenment, be it fleeting or eternal, work in the world and dedicate our lives to nurturing the healing paths of others. This is the life of deepest meaning.

This concludes the arc of the twelve steps of self-therapy. Many find it useful to return to Step One and rework the steps from a newer, more integrated and enlightened perspective.

30 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t

General Tools for Enhancing Self-Therapy These ten tools are suggestions for enhancing our self-therapy experience. They have worked for us and for many people we have witnessed, and they follow the general pattern of self-love, self-respect, and self-exploration. We encourage you to use these tools in a way that feels comfortable to you—but not to overdo them. A gentle, gradual self-therapy process is often the one that works best. One general rule we have learned is this: Everyone’s self-therapy is different, and must ultimately be guided by his or her own inner voice, motivation, and temperament.

General Tools

beneath our traumas and connect to the river of truth. The more we get to know ourselves—the bedrock of our true selves—the better our choices, the more self-loving our attitude, and the stronger our resolve to struggle forward. However, prayer and meditation are folly when they promote dissociation to other realms and worlds in order to avoid the reality of the pain buried in our unconscious. This is not self-reflective, but instead self-delusional and ultimately self-destructive.

Developing Friendships. We seek friendship with other evolving people who are committed to their own emotional healing. We take the risk of reaching out and making true connections. We strive for friendship based on equality, autonomy, and healthy boundaries—and we seek to avoid dependency and enmeshment, which are only replications of our

Journaling. We learn about ourselves through keeping a daily journal

flawed childhood patterns. We recognize how hard it is go it alone, and

of our feelings, interactions, fantasies, and motivations. The study and

we have found friendship to be a great benefit and a means to persevere

interpretation of our reactions to daily living reveal much about the

on this perilous journey to the true self.

unresolved conflicts that still dominate our unconscious and affect our lives. This form of self-reflection shows how the choices we make during our day promote or inhibit our emotional healing. We may also return again and again to our written record of our journey in order to optimize our understanding of our strengths, our weaknesses, our patterns, our successes, our failures, and the sweep of our progress.

Analyzing Our Dreams. We catch our dreams throughout the night in order to decode their meanings. This takes us into the very depths of ourselves and reveals the continuing struggle in our unconscious between our true self and the historical voices of our traumatized past. The part of our psyche that creates our dreams is a genius, and we do ourselves a good turn by trying to figure out what our Dream Genius is telling us. This process, like all of self-therapy, can be quite difficult, and at times even confusing or seemingly fruitless, but just the act of trying to uncover the meanings of our dreams brings us closer to the truth of ourselves.

Reading Healthy Literature. We seek out and read any honest writing in the world that helps us understand our unconscious motives, untangle the lies that chain us, and in a positive, non-dissociative way bring the truth of our core to light. Great writing, as rare or metaphorical as it might be, runs the thematic gamut, from psychology to religion to fiction to science, and when we discriminate carefully it affords us guidance and conceptual insight.

Taking Distance from Family of Origin. In order to uncover and recover from the damage done to us in our childhoods it is often necessary to take distance, and sometimes great distance, from our childhood families—and primarily our parents. This allows us a better perspective to see what they really did to us, how we really behave without their influence, and who we really are. Although this distance can at times be excruciatingly painful, this pain can also prove to be a window into our soul, and thus a great opportunity to grow. And the best of our parents,

Self-Reflecting. We find our healing wonderfully aided by any form

those parts of them that truly do love us, will understand. After all, we are

of meditation, prayer, inner dialogue, or seeking that allows us to look

nurturing their perfect creation.

31

30 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t

General Tools for Enhancing Self-Therapy These ten tools are suggestions for enhancing our self-therapy experience. They have worked for us and for many people we have witnessed, and they follow the general pattern of self-love, self-respect, and self-exploration. We encourage you to use these tools in a way that feels comfortable to you—but not to overdo them. A gentle, gradual self-therapy process is often the one that works best. One general rule we have learned is this: Everyone’s self-therapy is different, and must ultimately be guided by his or her own inner voice, motivation, and temperament.

General Tools

beneath our traumas and connect to the river of truth. The more we get to know ourselves—the bedrock of our true selves—the better our choices, the more self-loving our attitude, and the stronger our resolve to struggle forward. However, prayer and meditation are folly when they promote dissociation to other realms and worlds in order to avoid the reality of the pain buried in our unconscious. This is not self-reflective, but instead self-delusional and ultimately self-destructive.

Developing Friendships. We seek friendship with other evolving people who are committed to their own emotional healing. We take the risk of reaching out and making true connections. We strive for friendship based on equality, autonomy, and healthy boundaries—and we seek to avoid dependency and enmeshment, which are only replications of our

Journaling. We learn about ourselves through keeping a daily journal

flawed childhood patterns. We recognize how hard it is go it alone, and

of our feelings, interactions, fantasies, and motivations. The study and

we have found friendship to be a great benefit and a means to persevere

interpretation of our reactions to daily living reveal much about the

on this perilous journey to the true self.

unresolved conflicts that still dominate our unconscious and affect our lives. This form of self-reflection shows how the choices we make during our day promote or inhibit our emotional healing. We may also return again and again to our written record of our journey in order to optimize our understanding of our strengths, our weaknesses, our patterns, our successes, our failures, and the sweep of our progress.

Analyzing Our Dreams. We catch our dreams throughout the night in order to decode their meanings. This takes us into the very depths of ourselves and reveals the continuing struggle in our unconscious between our true self and the historical voices of our traumatized past. The part of our psyche that creates our dreams is a genius, and we do ourselves a good turn by trying to figure out what our Dream Genius is telling us. This process, like all of self-therapy, can be quite difficult, and at times even confusing or seemingly fruitless, but just the act of trying to uncover the meanings of our dreams brings us closer to the truth of ourselves.

Reading Healthy Literature. We seek out and read any honest writing in the world that helps us understand our unconscious motives, untangle the lies that chain us, and in a positive, non-dissociative way bring the truth of our core to light. Great writing, as rare or metaphorical as it might be, runs the thematic gamut, from psychology to religion to fiction to science, and when we discriminate carefully it affords us guidance and conceptual insight.

Taking Distance from Family of Origin. In order to uncover and recover from the damage done to us in our childhoods it is often necessary to take distance, and sometimes great distance, from our childhood families—and primarily our parents. This allows us a better perspective to see what they really did to us, how we really behave without their influence, and who we really are. Although this distance can at times be excruciatingly painful, this pain can also prove to be a window into our soul, and thus a great opportunity to grow. And the best of our parents,

Self-Reflecting. We find our healing wonderfully aided by any form

those parts of them that truly do love us, will understand. After all, we are

of meditation, prayer, inner dialogue, or seeking that allows us to look

nurturing their perfect creation.

31

S l o g a n s 33

32 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t

Living a Healthy Lifestyle. We may find it beneficial to stop drinking alcohol, using drugs, misusing food, and engaging in other behaviors and

Self-Therapy Slogans

emotional growth and stability. Sometimes living a healthy lifestyle alone is

These slogans can be particularly helpful for keeping us on a focused track while we face the emotional uncertainty of changing old patterns. We can write about them, meditate on them, or simply read them and their short explanations to maintain a healthier perspective.

enough to produce radical changes in a self-therapy process.

Trust yourself

Being Single and Celibate. In order to purify our lives and focus our

The answers are all within us—if we look. Our heart is the truest compass ever created, and if we connect the consciousness of our mind with the truth in our heart we have a map that cannot fail. Our childhoods taught us that trusting ourselves brought us rejection from our parents and from others whose love we required. Now as adults we are free to return to trusting our inner birthright.

relationships that keep us unconscious and obscure the reality of our buried traumas. We also set aside time for healthy sleep, healthy diet, healthy exercise, care for our bodies, and relaxation in order to optimize our

journey we may find value in periods of celibacy and lack of romantic entanglement. Although this might prove frustrating, especially in a world that places such high value on romantic and sexual connection, this can be just the frustration that provokes our growth to a new level. Engaging in sexual behavior with another person, or even masturbating, can so easily cloud our emotional mirror, hindering self-reflection and self-exploration. Likewise, being in a relationship, despite the comfort it provides, makes it difficult to sort out who we are as individuals, what are our real needs, and what is our deeper purpose.

Working. Although most people do not like their jobs, which is a sad comment on our modern world, most people dislike their lives much more when they are not working. Work provides us a daily structure, a chance to interact purposefully and maturely in this world of give-and-take, and a consistent reminder of our independent, adult status. This builds selfesteem, even if it is not readily apparent between the hours of nine and five. Ideally we strive to find work that captivates our mind and passion and imagination, and as our self-therapy progresses we often find ourselves making headway in this direction.

Having Fun. It is all too easy to forget that life is here to be enjoyed! It is vital to stop sometimes and smell the roses, take a walk, do something gentle and wonderful and enjoyable that seems to have nothing to do with healing and growing and exorcising demons. Only afterward do we discover that having a good laugh, rolling in the grass, eating that extra-special dessert, or watching a good movie is just what the doctor ordered. A “child” who doesn’t play misses out on childhood—and adulthood, too!

Tell the truth Honesty is so easily underestimated. When freed of motive, manipulation, and distortion, honesty is raw power—and breaks us from the shackles of the world. We were raised in a world of lies and deception; when we tell the truth we open our paths to a whole new and unexpected way.

The truth will set you free Our freedom and growth as human beings requires that we be honest with ourselves. Nothing keeps us stuck more than self-deception. When we can be honest with ourselves a world of possibility and power opens up to us—and gives us the chance to change our lives, and by extension the lives of those around us.

The core is perfect We are perfect within. The core of our being is the perfection we yearn for, and when we remember this, and keep it front and center in our mind, we realize we have nothing to fear from looking within. Yes, the seas of our inner emotion and unresolved trauma can be stormy, but beyond those seas is a harbor of tranquility and beauty—the harbor of our true self, our true center.

One day at a time Healing is slow and arduous, and through experience we come to honor this. We take our path gently and deliberately, giving ourselves a decent and respectable amount of healing work for each day, but not so much that we become overwhelmed or lose hope. We need only focus our ener-

S l o g a n s 33

32 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t

Living a Healthy Lifestyle. We may find it beneficial to stop drinking alcohol, using drugs, misusing food, and engaging in other behaviors and

Self-Therapy Slogans

emotional growth and stability. Sometimes living a healthy lifestyle alone is

These slogans can be particularly helpful for keeping us on a focused track while we face the emotional uncertainty of changing old patterns. We can write about them, meditate on them, or simply read them and their short explanations to maintain a healthier perspective.

enough to produce radical changes in a self-therapy process.

Trust yourself

Being Single and Celibate. In order to purify our lives and focus our

The answers are all within us—if we look. Our heart is the truest compass ever created, and if we connect the consciousness of our mind with the truth in our heart we have a map that cannot fail. Our childhoods taught us that trusting ourselves brought us rejection from our parents and from others whose love we required. Now as adults we are free to return to trusting our inner birthright.

relationships that keep us unconscious and obscure the reality of our buried traumas. We also set aside time for healthy sleep, healthy diet, healthy exercise, care for our bodies, and relaxation in order to optimize our

journey we may find value in periods of celibacy and lack of romantic entanglement. Although this might prove frustrating, especially in a world that places such high value on romantic and sexual connection, this can be just the frustration that provokes our growth to a new level. Engaging in sexual behavior with another person, or even masturbating, can so easily cloud our emotional mirror, hindering self-reflection and self-exploration. Likewise, being in a relationship, despite the comfort it provides, makes it difficult to sort out who we are as individuals, what are our real needs, and what is our deeper purpose.

Working. Although most people do not like their jobs, which is a sad comment on our modern world, most people dislike their lives much more when they are not working. Work provides us a daily structure, a chance to interact purposefully and maturely in this world of give-and-take, and a consistent reminder of our independent, adult status. This builds selfesteem, even if it is not readily apparent between the hours of nine and five. Ideally we strive to find work that captivates our mind and passion and imagination, and as our self-therapy progresses we often find ourselves making headway in this direction.

Having Fun. It is all too easy to forget that life is here to be enjoyed! It is vital to stop sometimes and smell the roses, take a walk, do something gentle and wonderful and enjoyable that seems to have nothing to do with healing and growing and exorcising demons. Only afterward do we discover that having a good laugh, rolling in the grass, eating that extra-special dessert, or watching a good movie is just what the doctor ordered. A “child” who doesn’t play misses out on childhood—and adulthood, too!

Tell the truth Honesty is so easily underestimated. When freed of motive, manipulation, and distortion, honesty is raw power—and breaks us from the shackles of the world. We were raised in a world of lies and deception; when we tell the truth we open our paths to a whole new and unexpected way.

The truth will set you free Our freedom and growth as human beings requires that we be honest with ourselves. Nothing keeps us stuck more than self-deception. When we can be honest with ourselves a world of possibility and power opens up to us—and gives us the chance to change our lives, and by extension the lives of those around us.

The core is perfect We are perfect within. The core of our being is the perfection we yearn for, and when we remember this, and keep it front and center in our mind, we realize we have nothing to fear from looking within. Yes, the seas of our inner emotion and unresolved trauma can be stormy, but beyond those seas is a harbor of tranquility and beauty—the harbor of our true self, our true center.

One day at a time Healing is slow and arduous, and through experience we come to honor this. We take our path gently and deliberately, giving ourselves a decent and respectable amount of healing work for each day, but not so much that we become overwhelmed or lose hope. We need only focus our ener-

S l o g a n s 35

34 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t gies on the work of this day, not that of tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. Life is happening now, and the more we focus on the work set out for us today, the more we actually accomplish.

Stick with the winners We all need allies on this healing journey, and when we optimize the quality of our allies we optimize the quality of our growth. Good healthy friends and compatriots remind us of the best in ourselves, and when we stumble and fall, which is inevitable on a journey as painful and difficult as ours, we discover that our allies are there to catch us, support us, mirror the best in us, and love us all the more.

Keep the focus on yourself Healing is an inner path, and ultimately we must focus on ourselves and take responsibility for our own actions. That is what it means to be an adult. Yes, we are all connected with others, and their foibles affect our path and sometimes present us with roadblocks, but when we focus on them and their journeys and their weaknesses and their problems we all too often lose sight of our own. Yes, we were traumatized by others, but now it is our job to heal ourselves.

Work it out or act it out If we do not heal our buried, ancient traumas we will invariably act them out—that is, replicate them in negative ways in our lives and on the world around us. Healing our traumas or replicating them are the two options that life presents us. The more we come to know our true selves through our healing process the more we realize how much we have acted out in our lives, and how much others have acted out on us. To break this cycle we struggle to heal. This gives our life great value—and changes the whole course of human history.

If it’s hysterical it’s historical When we are upset, frustrated, or enraged and we lose control and act out on others, it is a clear sign that we are expressing, usually through code, some facet of our history of trauma. It is so easy to blame some person in the present for causing our greatest pain and upset, but when we deeply study our motives we discover that the root cause of our rage came decades earlier, and that this present target for our hysteria is just a replicated stand-in, often picked by us for that very purpose.

Hurt people hurt people We do not damage others for no reason: we damage others (and damage ourselves) because that is what we were taught. We hurt others in just

the ways we were hurt by others, though often we disguise this by hurting others through coded means. No one causes destruction because he is inherently evil. No child is born evil, and no one was created imperfect. Our imperfections come from our childhood history of damage. And when we heal that history we discontinue the trauma cycle. Hurt people hurt people—and healed people heal people.

They broke it, you fix it As much as our parents and other powerful figures traumatized us, there is little or nothing they can now do to heal us. As adults it is our responsibility to heal the damage—to reconnect with the perfection at our center and grieve what we have lost. Deep down the childlike parts of us still want our parents to come to the rescue, but that is an empty fantasy. Healing ourselves is the reality.

Heal first, forgive later Forgiveness is not a tool in the healing process, but a consequence of it. If we attempt to forgive before we have exhumed and felt and grieved and healed the damages done to us we only engage in the delusion of a temporary, premature forgiveness that can so easily be undone when unresolved traumas erupt once again, which they invariably do. When we grieve we reconnect with the best of ourselves and with our pure life force—and spontaneously forgive. And then our forgiveness is true, deep, pure, and permanent.

Don’t fear grieving—fear not grieving Grieving is painful—and for this reason many people avoid it at all costs. But avoiding grieving guarantees a far greater pain: a lifetime of barely concealed misery and suffering, and a deep-seated feeling of pointlessness. Grieving resolves all of these, and its pain and torment, if handled respectfully and gently, are only temporary. Sometimes the length of grieving is long and the intensity furious, like a damaging hurricane, but all grieving, if honored in its fullness, eventually makes way for blue skies and new growth.

True adults parent themselves Children need parents. They lack the resources, maturity, and independence to be their own guides on life’s journey. Adults, however, must parent themselves. When adults look to others for parenting, and especially look to their own parents for parenting—which so many do—they only return to a childlike stance which undermines their self-love, selfreliance, and self-esteem. Adults who nurture themselves look within for their own counsel.

S l o g a n s 35

34 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t gies on the work of this day, not that of tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. Life is happening now, and the more we focus on the work set out for us today, the more we actually accomplish.

Stick with the winners We all need allies on this healing journey, and when we optimize the quality of our allies we optimize the quality of our growth. Good healthy friends and compatriots remind us of the best in ourselves, and when we stumble and fall, which is inevitable on a journey as painful and difficult as ours, we discover that our allies are there to catch us, support us, mirror the best in us, and love us all the more.

Keep the focus on yourself Healing is an inner path, and ultimately we must focus on ourselves and take responsibility for our own actions. That is what it means to be an adult. Yes, we are all connected with others, and their foibles affect our path and sometimes present us with roadblocks, but when we focus on them and their journeys and their weaknesses and their problems we all too often lose sight of our own. Yes, we were traumatized by others, but now it is our job to heal ourselves.

Work it out or act it out If we do not heal our buried, ancient traumas we will invariably act them out—that is, replicate them in negative ways in our lives and on the world around us. Healing our traumas or replicating them are the two options that life presents us. The more we come to know our true selves through our healing process the more we realize how much we have acted out in our lives, and how much others have acted out on us. To break this cycle we struggle to heal. This gives our life great value—and changes the whole course of human history.

If it’s hysterical it’s historical When we are upset, frustrated, or enraged and we lose control and act out on others, it is a clear sign that we are expressing, usually through code, some facet of our history of trauma. It is so easy to blame some person in the present for causing our greatest pain and upset, but when we deeply study our motives we discover that the root cause of our rage came decades earlier, and that this present target for our hysteria is just a replicated stand-in, often picked by us for that very purpose.

Hurt people hurt people We do not damage others for no reason: we damage others (and damage ourselves) because that is what we were taught. We hurt others in just

the ways we were hurt by others, though often we disguise this by hurting others through coded means. No one causes destruction because he is inherently evil. No child is born evil, and no one was created imperfect. Our imperfections come from our childhood history of damage. And when we heal that history we discontinue the trauma cycle. Hurt people hurt people—and healed people heal people.

They broke it, you fix it As much as our parents and other powerful figures traumatized us, there is little or nothing they can now do to heal us. As adults it is our responsibility to heal the damage—to reconnect with the perfection at our center and grieve what we have lost. Deep down the childlike parts of us still want our parents to come to the rescue, but that is an empty fantasy. Healing ourselves is the reality.

Heal first, forgive later Forgiveness is not a tool in the healing process, but a consequence of it. If we attempt to forgive before we have exhumed and felt and grieved and healed the damages done to us we only engage in the delusion of a temporary, premature forgiveness that can so easily be undone when unresolved traumas erupt once again, which they invariably do. When we grieve we reconnect with the best of ourselves and with our pure life force—and spontaneously forgive. And then our forgiveness is true, deep, pure, and permanent.

Don’t fear grieving—fear not grieving Grieving is painful—and for this reason many people avoid it at all costs. But avoiding grieving guarantees a far greater pain: a lifetime of barely concealed misery and suffering, and a deep-seated feeling of pointlessness. Grieving resolves all of these, and its pain and torment, if handled respectfully and gently, are only temporary. Sometimes the length of grieving is long and the intensity furious, like a damaging hurricane, but all grieving, if honored in its fullness, eventually makes way for blue skies and new growth.

True adults parent themselves Children need parents. They lack the resources, maturity, and independence to be their own guides on life’s journey. Adults, however, must parent themselves. When adults look to others for parenting, and especially look to their own parents for parenting—which so many do—they only return to a childlike stance which undermines their self-love, selfreliance, and self-esteem. Adults who nurture themselves look within for their own counsel.

S l o g a n s 37

36 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t

Love is nurture, not need When children say “I love you,” they mean this: “Thank you for nurturing me—that is what I need!” This neediness is age appropriate. When an emotionally mature adult says “I love you,” he means this: “I am here to nurture you and guide you on life’s path.” But most parents are secretly needy children. They want love—nurturance—from their children, and often fail to provide it in return. Their children are forced to give love, and end up neglected. They grow up still desiring to get mature love from others—from surrogate parents. If we are to heal, and to engage in selftherapy, we have to learn how to nurture ourselves—from within.

Healthy relationships do not involve projection We all desire to be loved, starting as children by our parents. So often our parents failed us, and sometimes failed us grossly. This sets up a dynamic within ourselves in which we spend the rest of our lives seeking parents in others, both in friendships and especially in romantic relationships. We project our split-off needs, desires, and unresolved sides of ourselves onto our friends and partners, even onto our children, in order to attempt to resolve our childhood dilemmas interactionally. This is a set-up for failure— and a guarantee for unhealthy relationships. Our job is to see people for who they are and not to project our unresolved issues onto them. Healthy relationships begin when we look within—and know the full truth about our own selves.

Sex is simple, you’re not On a physical level, sex and

the sex act are simple—and many people, so split-off from their emotional undercurrents and histories of trauma, explore sex no further. The fact is, sex, with its extreme intimacy and ripeness for fantasy, is one of the easiest ways to play out our ancient, unconscious, unresolved issues. This applies to masturbation too. For anyone on the healing path sex, whether alone or with a partner, is a dangerous gambit, because in sex—and romance—it is impossible to resist the urge of projection. Aside from this, sex with others carries the potential consequences of the spread of disease and the creation of children. And few things stunt the internal healing process more than having children.

Most incest never involves physical touch We live in a world where people are becoming increasingly aware of the horror of childhood sexual abuse, but few realize that the things conventional society labels as sexual abuse are just the exposed tip of the trauma iceberg. Most incest, like most of an iceberg in the ocean, occurs below the surface. Parents cross sexual boundaries through words and glances,

through emotional dynamics and silences, through example and even supposedly loving education. When we study our history we look below the surface—and we explore to the bottom of the emotional iceberg.

Addictions mask unmet needs Behind every addiction lurk unmet needs from childhood. Adults who failed to get their childhood needs met shunt these still-living needs into unhealthy and dissociative behavior patterns. People who had their childhood needs met do not overindulge in chemical substances, food, unhealthy relationships, sex, or inappropriate work or fantasy—because they love themselves and resolve their present needs through healthy, conscious avenues. Addictions are unconscious—and people who have grieved their losses do not need to play out these unconscious patterns.

Dissociation mimics enlightenment Dissociation—being split-off from part or all of our emotions, inner truth, or history—is lauded in our troubled world as health. Families love children who do not cry or whine, but achieve or feign happiness in spite of their misery. People who are dissociated are often confident, strong, and sure of themselves, because they lean on a totally false self, and lack the conscious feelings which invariably block this falsity. These people often look like the healthiest of all, and in the sickest social environments they rise to the top—and become leaders. They are often praised for their skill, power, and enlightenment, though in reality they are just mimicking a truly healed person. The truly healed person has earned his connection with his true self, and thus his enlightenment is not false, his confidence not built on sand, his leadership not built on corruption, and his motives conscious and pure—to his depths.

The road to heaven leads straight through hell Healing is painful, and at times hellishly so. It might seem counterintuitive that the path to the greatest peace and glory takes us through the darkest stretches of torment and self-doubt, but it is impossible to heal traumas without feeling the pain they inflicted. Those who think you can leap painlessly from dissociation into enlightenment do not understand that healing requires that you pass through suffering, depression, and grieving. The unhealed misjudge the suffering person as an inferior, but the healing person, connected with his core of truth and compass of honesty, knows better.

When you heal, your demons dance Healing calls forth ugly things from within. We buried our childhood traumas, and our memories and feelings surrounding them, because they

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36 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t

Love is nurture, not need When children say “I love you,” they mean this: “Thank you for nurturing me—that is what I need!” This neediness is age appropriate. When an emotionally mature adult says “I love you,” he means this: “I am here to nurture you and guide you on life’s path.” But most parents are secretly needy children. They want love—nurturance—from their children, and often fail to provide it in return. Their children are forced to give love, and end up neglected. They grow up still desiring to get mature love from others—from surrogate parents. If we are to heal, and to engage in selftherapy, we have to learn how to nurture ourselves—from within.

Healthy relationships do not involve projection We all desire to be loved, starting as children by our parents. So often our parents failed us, and sometimes failed us grossly. This sets up a dynamic within ourselves in which we spend the rest of our lives seeking parents in others, both in friendships and especially in romantic relationships. We project our split-off needs, desires, and unresolved sides of ourselves onto our friends and partners, even onto our children, in order to attempt to resolve our childhood dilemmas interactionally. This is a set-up for failure— and a guarantee for unhealthy relationships. Our job is to see people for who they are and not to project our unresolved issues onto them. Healthy relationships begin when we look within—and know the full truth about our own selves.

Sex is simple, you’re not On a physical level, sex and

the sex act are simple—and many people, so split-off from their emotional undercurrents and histories of trauma, explore sex no further. The fact is, sex, with its extreme intimacy and ripeness for fantasy, is one of the easiest ways to play out our ancient, unconscious, unresolved issues. This applies to masturbation too. For anyone on the healing path sex, whether alone or with a partner, is a dangerous gambit, because in sex—and romance—it is impossible to resist the urge of projection. Aside from this, sex with others carries the potential consequences of the spread of disease and the creation of children. And few things stunt the internal healing process more than having children.

Most incest never involves physical touch We live in a world where people are becoming increasingly aware of the horror of childhood sexual abuse, but few realize that the things conventional society labels as sexual abuse are just the exposed tip of the trauma iceberg. Most incest, like most of an iceberg in the ocean, occurs below the surface. Parents cross sexual boundaries through words and glances,

through emotional dynamics and silences, through example and even supposedly loving education. When we study our history we look below the surface—and we explore to the bottom of the emotional iceberg.

Addictions mask unmet needs Behind every addiction lurk unmet needs from childhood. Adults who failed to get their childhood needs met shunt these still-living needs into unhealthy and dissociative behavior patterns. People who had their childhood needs met do not overindulge in chemical substances, food, unhealthy relationships, sex, or inappropriate work or fantasy—because they love themselves and resolve their present needs through healthy, conscious avenues. Addictions are unconscious—and people who have grieved their losses do not need to play out these unconscious patterns.

Dissociation mimics enlightenment Dissociation—being split-off from part or all of our emotions, inner truth, or history—is lauded in our troubled world as health. Families love children who do not cry or whine, but achieve or feign happiness in spite of their misery. People who are dissociated are often confident, strong, and sure of themselves, because they lean on a totally false self, and lack the conscious feelings which invariably block this falsity. These people often look like the healthiest of all, and in the sickest social environments they rise to the top—and become leaders. They are often praised for their skill, power, and enlightenment, though in reality they are just mimicking a truly healed person. The truly healed person has earned his connection with his true self, and thus his enlightenment is not false, his confidence not built on sand, his leadership not built on corruption, and his motives conscious and pure—to his depths.

The road to heaven leads straight through hell Healing is painful, and at times hellishly so. It might seem counterintuitive that the path to the greatest peace and glory takes us through the darkest stretches of torment and self-doubt, but it is impossible to heal traumas without feeling the pain they inflicted. Those who think you can leap painlessly from dissociation into enlightenment do not understand that healing requires that you pass through suffering, depression, and grieving. The unhealed misjudge the suffering person as an inferior, but the healing person, connected with his core of truth and compass of honesty, knows better.

When you heal, your demons dance Healing calls forth ugly things from within. We buried our childhood traumas, and our memories and feelings surrounding them, because they

S l o g a n s 39

38 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t were horrendous. When we reopen them their decades of stink and rot rise to the surface, and so often our behavior, our attitudes, and even our dreams reflect this. So too do our family and fellows, if they are invested in stuckness. They may even dance like “demons” in their resentment of our newfound honesty, inducing doubt in us about our new path and tempting us to return to the familiar.

Perseverance and patience All too often the healing journey begs us to quit. It is so painful and protracted that it seems no one in their right mind would continue on it. This is why we keep in mind that this journey is difficult for everyone who undertakes it. We keep our focus on the goal—forward progress—and we exercise the best patience and the hardiest perseverance we can muster. Some days the best we can do is plod on forward, putting one foot in front of the other. As the old Chinese saying goes, “When your horse dies, walk.” And so we walk—onward!

Dreams are the royal road to the unconscious Freud’s oft-repeated quotation reminds us of the valuable world of fantasy that we experience when we sleep, and how intimately it is connected with our inner truth, our emotional dynamics, and our history. Our dreams afford us a wonderful opportunity to get to know ourselves better, and to study the rich world of our buried needs, buried feelings, buried hopes, buried traumas, and buried truth.

Every dream tells a piece of encoded truth Every dream, and every part of every dream, offers us some piece of meaning. Although dream analysis might seem fruitless, especially at first as we learn our personal dream codes, the simple act of trying to figure ourselves out thrusts us forward—into unraveling the riddle of the unconscious. Cracking the dream code, like learning to play a new musical instrument, does not happen overnight—but it does happen.

Prophets are never accepted in their own hometown Liars detest truth-speakers, and a truth-speaker is a prophet. It is a risk to become a prophet in a world of liars, but the greater risk is to stay average, and never look within at all. Our childhood families hated our truth-telling because it threatened their house of cards, and for that reason we had to break away from them and become independent if we desired to become real. Perhaps they rejected us even before we realized what we were attempting, but if we were committed enough to getting real, their rejection did not stop us. Oddly, time

and experience taught us that their rejection of us was a compliment. Truth and lies, like oil and water, do not belong together.

People kill prophets because prophets kill delusions People who live committed to delusion and fantasy do not want their self-deception pointed out to them, and will kill to defend their lies. The troubled sides of parents crush the spirits of their children to keep family denial in order. The worst of teachers squelch the most spirited students. And the norms of society set out to negate the lives of its truth-telling critics. Prophets set out first to destroy the lies within themselves, and by extension the lies of the world. And what is self-therapy if not the path to becoming a prophet?

Heal your wounds, free your gifts The more we heal our ancient wounds the more we connect with our life force—and our desire to become real, to become true, and to manifest honesty and purity. Traumas lock our gifts within, and grieving and healing hold the golden key. Nothing gives our life more value than sharing our gifts. When we nurture the agonized world around us we find our greatest purpose on earth—and the truest meaning of love.

Differentiate from the norm There is massive pressure to conform to the familial and cultural mores of denial and deception—especially about personal and collective trauma. A person who stands apart from the norm does so at great risk. At times we may feel like we’re the only one who has separated from the stagnant status quo—and we may feel quite alone. But a daring few—spiritual “mutants”—always grow beyond the comforts of the norm and seek the truth at all cost. These rare few push forward the evolution of consciousness.

Enlightenment is the dissolution of the unconscious Enlightenment is full conscious connection with our core of truth. Our unconscious, which came into existence to buffer us from the poison the world foisted upon us, is slowly dissolved through the healing process, and especially through the tears of grief. The more we become conscious the more enlightened we become, and when we become fully conscious, and have no unconscious left, we are rendered fully enlightened. This is our goal, this is the goal of self-therapy, and through the manifestation of this goal we find ourselves optimally equipped to spread the message of truth and healing and honesty everywhere—to all people and beings.

S l o g a n s 39

38 F r o m T r a u m a t o E n l i g h t e n m e n t were horrendous. When we reopen them their decades of stink and rot rise to the surface, and so often our behavior, our attitudes, and even our dreams reflect this. So too do our family and fellows, if they are invested in stuckness. They may even dance like “demons” in their resentment of our newfound honesty, inducing doubt in us about our new path and tempting us to return to the familiar.

Perseverance and patience All too often the healing journey begs us to quit. It is so painful and protracted that it seems no one in their right mind would continue on it. This is why we keep in mind that this journey is difficult for everyone who undertakes it. We keep our focus on the goal—forward progress—and we exercise the best patience and the hardiest perseverance we can muster. Some days the best we can do is plod on forward, putting one foot in front of the other. As the old Chinese saying goes, “When your horse dies, walk.” And so we walk—onward!

Dreams are the royal road to the unconscious Freud’s oft-repeated quotation reminds us of the valuable world of fantasy that we experience when we sleep, and how intimately it is connected with our inner truth, our emotional dynamics, and our history. Our dreams afford us a wonderful opportunity to get to know ourselves better, and to study the rich world of our buried needs, buried feelings, buried hopes, buried traumas, and buried truth.

Every dream tells a piece of encoded truth Every dream, and every part of every dream, offers us some piece of meaning. Although dream analysis might seem fruitless, especially at first as we learn our personal dream codes, the simple act of trying to figure ourselves out thrusts us forward—into unraveling the riddle of the unconscious. Cracking the dream code, like learning to play a new musical instrument, does not happen overnight—but it does happen.

Prophets are never accepted in their own hometown Liars detest truth-speakers, and a truth-speaker is a prophet. It is a risk to become a prophet in a world of liars, but the greater risk is to stay average, and never look within at all. Our childhood families hated our truth-telling because it threatened their house of cards, and for that reason we had to break away from them and become independent if we desired to become real. Perhaps they rejected us even before we realized what we were attempting, but if we were committed enough to getting real, their rejection did not stop us. Oddly, time

and experience taught us that their rejection of us was a compliment. Truth and lies, like oil and water, do not belong together.

People kill prophets because prophets kill delusions People who live committed to delusion and fantasy do not want their self-deception pointed out to them, and will kill to defend their lies. The troubled sides of parents crush the spirits of their children to keep family denial in order. The worst of teachers squelch the most spirited students. And the norms of society set out to negate the lives of its truth-telling critics. Prophets set out first to destroy the lies within themselves, and by extension the lies of the world. And what is self-therapy if not the path to becoming a prophet?

Heal your wounds, free your gifts The more we heal our ancient wounds the more we connect with our life force—and our desire to become real, to become true, and to manifest honesty and purity. Traumas lock our gifts within, and grieving and healing hold the golden key. Nothing gives our life more value than sharing our gifts. When we nurture the agonized world around us we find our greatest purpose on earth—and the truest meaning of love.

Differentiate from the norm There is massive pressure to conform to the familial and cultural mores of denial and deception—especially about personal and collective trauma. A person who stands apart from the norm does so at great risk. At times we may feel like we’re the only one who has separated from the stagnant status quo—and we may feel quite alone. But a daring few—spiritual “mutants”—always grow beyond the comforts of the norm and seek the truth at all cost. These rare few push forward the evolution of consciousness.

Enlightenment is the dissolution of the unconscious Enlightenment is full conscious connection with our core of truth. Our unconscious, which came into existence to buffer us from the poison the world foisted upon us, is slowly dissolved through the healing process, and especially through the tears of grief. The more we become conscious the more enlightened we become, and when we become fully conscious, and have no unconscious left, we are rendered fully enlightened. This is our goal, this is the goal of self-therapy, and through the manifestation of this goal we find ourselves optimally equipped to spread the message of truth and healing and honesty everywhere—to all people and beings.

40 F rom T rauma to E nlightenment

the twelve steps

Concluding Words As we close this self-therapy guidebook, know that there is great

1

We admit that the traumas buried in our unconscious rule our lives, make us powerless to embody the truth, and drive us to act out in ways destructive to ourselves, to others, and to the environment.

2

We come to believe that the truth at our core is more powerful than the lies imposed upon us, and that this truth can lead us to enlightenment.

3

We make a decision to align with truth, despite the pressure to submit to the distortions of family, society, and the historical voices we carry within.

4

We make a searching and fearless assessment of our traumatic history—personal, familial, and ancestral.

5

We admit to ourselves and to a mature person the full details of our traumas.

6

We become entirely ready to grieve this past and to let go of our false self.

7

We align with our true self and do the deep and transforming work of grieving.

8

We study the ways we had hurt ourselves, others, and the environment through replication of our traumas, and we become willing to make amends to them all.

9

We change our inappropriate behavior.

hope for you and for our common humanity. No matter what pain you have endured, what sorrow you carry, what regrets haunt your memory, nothing can tarnish your inner perfection or your capacity for enlightenment. No matter how deeply life has pushed you down, you can rise again. No matter how much life has fragmented you, you can reintegrate. Know that at your core is truth, a spark of the divine, a sacred self—and nothing from your past can change that. As we grieve the tragedy of our childhood, we give birth to the most important child of all—our true self. As we move out of family obligation and the social conventions that would destroy our soul, we become responsible adults—with a vision. We become the cutting edge of evolution’s purpose, and through us new insights into life’s meaning are revealed. Although the path to truth is difficult, we are vital, full of promise, and no longer alone. Now is the time to live a new way. To this end, we come together and prepare a new world. This is our calling.

10 We continue to monitor our attitudes and behavior, and when we make a mistake promptly admit it, trace its traumatic origin, and take steps not to repeat it. 11 We seek through self-reflection an ever deepening connection to the truth, desiring only to be guided to our life’s calling. 12 Having awakened to our inner calling, we dedicate our lives to its full manifestation and to nurturing the healing paths of others.

40 F rom T rauma to E nlightenment

the twelve steps

Concluding Words As we close this self-therapy guidebook, know that there is great

1

We admit that the traumas buried in our unconscious rule our lives, make us powerless to embody the truth, and drive us to act out in ways destructive to ourselves, to others, and to the environment.

2

We come to believe that the truth at our core is more powerful than the lies imposed upon us, and that this truth can lead us to enlightenment.

3

We make a decision to align with truth, despite the pressure to submit to the distortions of family, society, and the historical voices we carry within.

4

We make a searching and fearless assessment of our traumatic history—personal, familial, and ancestral.

5

We admit to ourselves and to a mature person the full details of our traumas.

6

We become entirely ready to grieve this past and to let go of our false self.

7

We align with our true self and do the deep and transforming work of grieving.

8

We study the ways we had hurt ourselves, others, and the environment through replication of our traumas, and we become willing to make amends to them all.

9

We change our inappropriate behavior.

hope for you and for our common humanity. No matter what pain you have endured, what sorrow you carry, what regrets haunt your memory, nothing can tarnish your inner perfection or your capacity for enlightenment. No matter how deeply life has pushed you down, you can rise again. No matter how much life has fragmented you, you can reintegrate. Know that at your core is truth, a spark of the divine, a sacred self—and nothing from your past can change that. As we grieve the tragedy of our childhood, we give birth to the most important child of all—our true self. As we move out of family obligation and the social conventions that would destroy our soul, we become responsible adults—with a vision. We become the cutting edge of evolution’s purpose, and through us new insights into life’s meaning are revealed. Although the path to truth is difficult, we are vital, full of promise, and no longer alone. Now is the time to live a new way. To this end, we come together and prepare a new world. This is our calling.

10 We continue to monitor our attitudes and behavior, and when we make a mistake promptly admit it, trace its traumatic origin, and take steps not to repeat it. 11 We seek through self-reflection an ever deepening connection to the truth, desiring only to be guided to our life’s calling. 12 Having awakened to our inner calling, we dedicate our lives to its full manifestation and to nurturing the healing paths of others.

From Trauma to Enlightenment

Daniel Mackler, LCSW is a psychotherapist, writer, and filmmaker in New York City. He is the co-editor of Beyond Medication: Therapeutic Engagement and the Recovery from Psychosis and the author of Alice Miller: Discoveries and Criticism. He also directed Take These Broken Wings, a documentary on recovery from schizophrenia without medication. His website—which offers more on the subject of self-therapy—is www.iraresoul.com Frederick Timm, LMSW is a psychotherapist, playwright, and former professional modern dancer in New York City. He has had more than ten plays produced, including two Off-Broadway in New York, and prior to that he toured the world with the Nikolais Dance Theater. For more of his ideas on evolving to enlightenment, go to www.yoursacredself.com Todd Betterley (designer) is a New York City-based artist, photographer, and graphic designer. For more on his work, visit www.toddbetterley.com