Finding Our Fathers: How a Man's Life Is Shaped by His Relationship With His Father [Reprint ed.] 0449902471, 9780449902479

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FINDING

OUR

FATHERS How a Man's Life Is Shaped by His Relationship with His Father

SAMUEL OSHERSON FAWCETT lc?B!.'l 90247/810.00

in

USA

•

$12.50

in

Canada

Finding Our Fathers

Also by the Author

Holding

On or Letting Go: Men and Career Change at Midlife

Social Contexts of Health, Illness and Patient Care (coauthor)

Comparative Research Methods

(coeditor)

Samuel Osherson

Finding Our Fathers How a Man's Life Is Shaped by His Relationship with

His Father

FAWCETT COLUMBINE

•

NEW YORK

A

Fawcett Columbine Book

Published by Ballantine Books Copyright ° 1986 by Samuel Osherson

under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,

All rights reserved

No

part of this

electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information stor-

age and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Publisher. Published in the United States by Ballantine Books, a division of Random House, Inc., New York,

and simultaneously

in

Canada by Random House

of

Canada Limited, Toronto.

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 86-92116

ISBN: 0-449-90247-1 This edition published by arrangement with The Free Press,

A

Division of Macmillan, Inc.

Cover design by Richard Aquan Text design by Mary A. Wirth Manufactured in the United States of America Books Edition: September 1987 10 9 8 7 6

First Ballantine

Our thanks

are extended to the authors, publishers, and copyright holders

who have

granted permission to reproduce the following selections in this volume.

xv and

Excerpts from Homer, The Odyssey translated by Robert Fitzgerald. Copyright

49

° 1961 by Robert

by permission of Doubleday & ComHeinemann Ltd. Excerpt from "Letter To a Dead Father." Reprinted from You Can't Have EveryFitzgerald. Reprinted

pany, Inc., and William

21

thing by Richard Shelton by permission of the University of Pittsburgh Press.

22

° 1975 by Richard Shelton. Excerpt from "Do not go gentle into that good night." From Dylan Thomas, Collected Poems of Dylan Thomas. Copyright 1952 by Dylan Thomas. Reprinted by permission of

Higham Associates 38

New

Directions Publishing Corporation and David

Limited.

Excerpt from "Esthetique du Mai," The Collected Poems of Wallace Stevens. Stevens. Reprinted by permission of Alfred A. Knopf, Inc.

° 1954 by Wallace 91

Excerpts from "The Loved Son" by Fairfield Porter, in K. Porter.

Museum

of Fine Arts, Boston, 1983.

Estate of Fairfield Porter,

200

213

214

all rights

Moflfett, Fairfield

c 1985 Tibor de Nagy and

the

reserved.

"My Son, My Executioner," The Alligator Bride by Donald Hall. Harper and Row, 1969. Copyright Donald Hall; reprinted by permission of author and publisher. "Finding the Father" from This Body Is Made of Camphor and Gopherwood: Prose Poems by Robert Bly. Copyright ° 1977 by Robert Bly. Reprinted by permission of Harper & Row, Publishers, Inc. Excerpt from "My Father's House" by Bruce Springsteen. ° 1982 Bruce Excerpt from

Springsteen.

229

Excerpt from "Recitation after dinner," Opus Posthumous: Poems, Plays, Prose

by Wallace Stevens, edited by S. F. Morse. Vintage, 1982. © 1957 by Elsie Stevens and Holly Stevens. Reprinted by permission of Alfred A. Knopf, Inc.

To

my father and mother, Louis and Adele, and respect

with love

Contents

Preface

ix

Acknowledgments

xiii

Introduction: Men's Unfinished Business

3

1.

Unspoken Debts: Mens Struggle

2.

Dealing with Authority: Mentors and Fathers

52

3.

81

6.

Of Working Wives and Mens Loneliness Vulnerability and Rage: What Not Being Able to Have Children Tells Us About All Men The Empty Urn: Do Men Get Pregnant Too? Fatherhood as a Healing and Wounding Experience

7.

Healing the Wounded Father

4.

5.

Notes and References

Index

to

Separate from Father

19

112 147

174

204 231 245

Preface

M

at the age of twelve a boy starts man, and he just goes on doing that for the rest of his suspect there comes a moment in most men's lives when

.ark

Twain once observed that

imitating a life.

I

they confront the question of

how much

imitating they are doing,

as opposed to feeling a rich, confident sense of their

For

me

crisis, in felt

moment came during a what now seem like the old that

blocked in

my

work.

My

own manhood.

period of particular personal days, about five years ago.

wife and

I

I

were experiencing one

miscarriage after another while trying to start our family. In addition

I

shared some of

my mentor s

grief as his wife struggled with

my first direct my human helparticulate my sense

a life-threatening cancer. These experiences were

encounters as an adult with the reality of loss and lessness in the face of

it.

At

first I

could hardly

PREFACE

of vulnerability

when

within and outside

my

ways been the way books has that

I

ences

all

my

confronting the knowledge that those family, could be cut

life

given

me

strength;

I

found so

difficult to

when

I

love,

down. Writing has

I've tried to sort things out.

started keeping a journal

I

and so felt in

The

al-

strength of

its not surprising

the grip of experi-

understand.

This book really began with that journal. To free time for this personal sorting out,

I

cut back on

my work commitments, and

a year spent part of every day writing. At the present

and the

frustrations

I felt

first I

for

wrote mainly about

with work and love, but then

my childhood my mother and father. When my difficult and conflicted relationship with my father came into focus, I realized that I had found the man I had been searching for, the father who, came memories and

feelings about the past, about

and adolescence,

more by

absence than his presence, was the key

his

to the

sense

and vulnerability in my life. The journal helped me to gradually expand and enliven my relationship with my father, and to appreciate the loving and caring sides of him that had been of emptiness

there

all

along.

During

this

time

I

had the opportunity

to

hear about the lives of

many other men. I was directing a longitudinal study of a large number of Harvard men who were about age forty. My research gave me the opportunity to talk in a relaxed, unhurried manner with successful men from around the country about many aspects of their lives.

From these

talks

I

began

to see

how profound and

painful were

the consequences of the predictable dislocation between fathers

and sons, a separation we take

for granted in our society.

Many

of

male—female skirmishes of our times are rooted in the hidden, ongoing struggles sons have with their fathers, and the varying ways grown sons try to complete this relationship in their careers and marriages. Yet despite their importance, fathers remain wrapped in mystery for many men, as we idealize or degrade or ignore them. And in doing so we wind up imitating them, even as the

we

try to

be

different.

PREFACE

The

frustrations

and yearnings of the men

my own and moved me same

at the

So

I

I

talked with echoed

deeply, possibly because

time, and are at similar points in the

set out to write a

their fathers.

I

wanted

we came life

of age

cycle.

book about men's unfinished business with to bring together

my

two ways of under-

standing men, the personal sorting out of the journal and the broad

knowledge based on what many men had book

to

told

me.

I

wanted the

have a reasoned professional perspective and a personal

hope the rendering of mens lives in this book will convey both empathy and honesty about the plight of being male voice as well.

today.

I

Acknowledgments

number

J.n the long process of writing this book a

provided

me

of people have

with the honest reactions and critical support that a

writer needs to finish his project.

I

wish

to

thank in particular Jane

Barnes, Tracy Barnes, Larry Weinstein, Bill Novak, George Goethals,

Stanley King, Shepherd Bliss,

Barbara Schwartz, Betty

Anne Alonso, Donald Tracy MacNab, Zick Rubin, Elliot

Friedan, Carol Gilligan, Lael Wertenbaker, Bell,

Joan and Ethan Bolker,

Rob Wilson, Diana

Dill, Maureen MahoBenson Snyder, George Vaillant, Douglas Heath, and Nick Kaufman. Gerta Kennedy Proesser provided invaluable help in organizing rambling journal entries into coherent and interesting material for

Mishler,

Olivia and

ney, Patricia Reinstein,

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

a book. Most of

when

I

all,

she provided confidence and insight

The Free

Kitty Moore, a senior editor then at

value in the book

I

wanted

shape. Laura Wolff of rial

at a

time

wasn't sure whether to keep going or not.

to write

Press, saw the

and helped me give

The Free Press provided very

it

initial

helpful edito-

feedback and patient encouragement as successive drafts were

transformed into the

final version.

Joseph Pleck, of the Wellesley Center

for

gave freely of his time and ideas through

Among

Research on Women,

many

long discussions.

those interested in the field of men's studies

many

think

Joe ought to be declared a national treasure.

This book could not have been written without the contributions of the

me

men and women who have

about their

openly and honestly talked with

my

lives: the participants in

research, students in

courses on adult development at Harvard and elsewhere, and clients in therapy.

Their names and lives have been disguised

within the text for the sake of confidentiality, but this does not detract from the debt

I

from their experiences.

feel I

I

owe them

hope they

will

for allowing

accept

my

me

to learn

thanks.

Since this book went through several drafts over several summers,

I

depended on friends

in

New Hampshire

to

provide perhaps

the single most important thing to a writer: a quiet to

work.

Many thanks

to

room

in

which

Barry and Karen Tolman, Mike French

and Beth Williams, and Pat and Prentice Colby. Invariably the rooms they provided looked out on

rolling

stone walls, and sturdy forests. This

is

meadows, weathered

a better book for the views

they provided.

My

greatest debt in writing this

book

is to

my

Osherson, for the love and support and excellent

numerous

points, without

which

I

wife, Julie critical

Snow

advice at

doubt this book would have been

born. Finally,

I

would

like to thank

my

parents, Adele and Louis Osh-

erson, for their enthusiasm for this project.

I

am

that father

whom

and suffered pain

your boyhood lacked

for lack of.

I

am

he.

is not princely, to be swept away wonder at your father s presence. by No other Odysseus will ever come, for he and I are one, the same.

This

— Homers

Odyssey,

Book XVI,

Translated by Robert Fitzgerald

Finding Our Fathers

Introduction:

Men's Unfinished Business

J.

he forty-two-year-old doctor

sits

forward in his chair, talking

about a recent visit with his father. His parents are divorced, as

is

he, but the whole family was recently brought together in St. Louis

by a younger brother s wedding.

my

"I spent a lot of time talking to

news from to stay so

his chair.

gave

me

gether.

her, but

much

my father was

in the

a ride back to the airport yesterday; we were alone there

I

wanted

connection with him, hear how he

We just

He seemed

background." The doctor turned slightly in

Suddenly his tone reveals great yearning: "My father

The whole way

all that's

mother, hearing about family

so quiet and isolated.

happened between

us.

felt

to talk to

him,

about me, talk to him about

But he hardly said anything

drove out there in silence."

to-

make some to

me.

FINDING OUR FATHERS

Tears well up in his eyes as he admits: "Actually, of what he thought about

mother rather than him

He

me, of how much time

at the

wedding.

book

In this

my

I

.

.

I

was scared

spent with

my

Just like growing up."

anger masks his sadness and yearning when he

cries, then

concludes, "But what difference does try to talk to

.

I

it

make?

It

does no good

to

father."

shall explore

and explain how mens early and on-

going relationships with their fathers shape the intimacy and work

dilemmas men coming of age today face. My focus is on the emonormal adult men as we struggle with the demands of work and family in our lives. What I hope to show is tional vulnerabilities of

that to

understand men's feelings about love and work we need

to

understand our unfinished business with our fathers.

had the good fortune

I

learn about his Project,

which

study of 370

life I

meet the doctor quoted above and to because he was part of the Adult Development to

directed at Harvard.

men who

The

project

is

a longitudinal

graduated from Harvard in the mid-1960s,

supported with generous funding from the National Institute of l

Education.

draw on other research, including detailed interviews with twenty men who made dramatic changes in their careers at midlife, I

also

plus

my

clinical experience in counseling

and circumstances. 2 The

men in my

portrait that

men

emerges

is

of differing ages

based on what

and therapy settings* and

heard from

in both research

rooted too

gradual understanding of

my own

I

is

conflicts as a

man. Our work cannot be successfully divorced from our personal lives; listening to

other

men

talk about their insecurities about

love, their difficult interactions with

lences about work prompted

*To

protect confidentiality,

women, and

their

ambiva-

me to examine my own more carefully.

some biographical

times been changed in case discussions.

details about individuals have at

In certain instances, composite

cases have been created by combining information from several individuals.

— Introduction

Some

By

of what I've learned appears in the chapters that follow.

weaving together vignettes from

and discussion of research and ture of each chapter

my own

theory,

I

life

with case vignettes

mean

to

deepen the

tex-

and penetrate the shroud of silence and shame

common

that often surrounds men's discussion of their

struggles

with identity and intimacy.

My

men were eye-opening

conversations with

me and

to

very disturbing, despite the comfortable offices and lavish I

visited,

often

homes

and despite the self-assured tones of the men's

Common themes

approaching midlife.

We

are

moving

talk.

is

now

into positions of power,

and

kept cropping up. The 1960s generation

our coming of age has been strongly influenced by the women's

movement. Many men showed confusion about the intimacy issues in their lives, particularly with wives, children, and their own parents.

Many men seemed prepared

even

if

for the

demands

of a career

unsuccessful or conflicted about work, that part of

made some

ease talking about

it.

It

was

life

them, and they were relatively

intuitive sense to

in the

at

arena of love that most of their

pain seemed to reside. Our conversations would sooner or later get

around

to

what

it

stopped working

was

to

like to

have a working wife or a wife who

have children, or how

to get

more

how became

family rather than just being "the provider," or reconciliation with father.

Here men's

their voices raw, less confident. ters,

It is

but in the vast majority of

my

talk

fully into the to

difficult to quantify

interviews

manage

a

intense and

such mat-

men seemed

per-

plexed about the dilemmas and contradictions of modern family life

and wanted

to talk

about them.

The Role of Our Fathers To understand these dilemmas we need importance of fathers

to

men,

in both

to start with the special

childhood and adulthood.

Fathers have been overlooked for too long, by their

own sons

as

well as by psychologists and others analyzing the family.

We know

that the

boy

is

searching deeply throughout his child-

FINDING OUR FATHERS

hood, beginning around age three, for a masculine model on which

sense of

to build his

Research evidence shows that between

self.

the ages of three and five boys begin to withdraw from mothers

and femininity, becoming quite stereotyped and dichotomized in what it means to be "like Daddy" and "like

their thinking about

Mommy." 3

Little

boys begin

rather than relationships, strength,

to segregate

and

by sex,

to focus

on rules

emphasize games of power,

to

and achievement. Eventually they repress their wishes to of, and cuddled, the wish "to burrow among

be held, taken care

women." 4 The press

to identify

with father creates the crucial dilemma for

boys. Boys have to give

up mother

Often a shadowy figure at best,

for father, but

difficult to

experience fathers as sources of warm,

soft

boy

salient adult object available for the

who

is

father?

understand. Boys rarely nurturance.

is

The most

his mother, or other

female caretakers such as relatives and childcare providers.

does

it

mean

to

be male?

If

father

is

What

not there to provide a confi-

model of manhood, then the boy is left in a vulnerable mother without a clear and understandable model of male gender upon which to base his emerging identity. dent, rich

position: having to distance himself from

This situation places great pressure on the growing son, as well as the father.

We

often misidentify with our fathers, crippling our

men. Distortions and myths shape normal men's pictures of their fathers, based on the uneasy peripheral place fathers occupied in their own homes. Boys grow into men with a wounded identities as

father within, a conflicted inner sense of masculinity rooted in

men's experience of their fathers as rejecting, incompetent, or absent.

The interviews convince

me

I

from their families our times. 5

I

have had with

men

in their thirties

and

forties

that the psychological or physical absence of fathers is

one of the great underestimated tragedies of is considerable sense of loss hidden

believe there

within men, having to do with their fathers. Shere Hite's survey of

7,239 men revealed that "almost no men said they had been or

Introduction

were close

to their fathers."

6

Judith Arcana writes that in inter-

views for her book on mothers and sons only "about

1

percent of

7 the sons described only good relations with their fathers."

The psychologist Jack Sternbach examined tionship in seventy-one of his male clients.

physically absent for 23 percent of the men; chologically absent fathers

who were

the father-son rela-

He

found fathers were

29 percent had psy-

too busy with work, uninter-

ested in their sons, or passive at home; 18 percent had psycholog-

who were

and emotionally uninvolved; and 15 percent had fathers who were dangerous, ically absent fathers

frightening to their sons,

percent of Sternbach

s

austere, moralistic,

and seemingly out of

control.

Only 15

cases showed evidence of fathers appro-

priately involved with their sons, with a history of nurturance

and

trustworthy warmth and connection. 8

compendium on our understanding of relationship, Father and Child: Clinical and De-

In their excellent recent

the father-child

velopmental Considerations, the psychiatrists Stanley Cath and

Alan Gurwitz, the psychologist John Ross, and other contributors emphasize the importance of

filling in

"the forgotten parent," the father, twilight figure" in the

ger" in

men and

vocative book. 9

who

the gaps in understanding for years

minds of men. Phrases

has remained "a

like "the father

hun-

"paternal deprivation" run throughout this pro-

Its

appearance coincides with the coming of age of

the 1960s generation, their entrance into the parenting phase of their lives,

when they move from being sons only

to

becoming

themselves fathers. Fathers appear as crucial,

if

puzzling and stolid, figures in

of the recent "confessional" writing of

men, who often want

out their work and family choices and difficulties.

10

much

to sort

In the wry

words of the Wellesley College psychologist Joseph Pleck, "In the

New

York Times' 'About Men' column, sandwiched between the

articles filled with nostalgic longing for the

good old days when

sexism went unchallenged, and those with upbeat advice on upscale male grooming, poignant recollections of mens bittersweet relationships with their fathers appear regularly." 11

FINDING OUR FATHERS

The sense

of loss extends into adulthood, as

many sons

try to

resolve their guilt, shame, and anger at their fathers in silent,

hidden, ambivalent ways. fathers at

work who

a "good son." And, too,

shape

Some men unconsciously seek

will forgive

many

them and leave them

sons' relationships with their fathers

ways how they respond

in subtle

to their

men become determined

At home some

dependency they saw in their bands or fathers themselves to fathers seemed to set.

wives and children.

to avoid the passivity or

fathers. Others feel live

up

who have come

For those of us

better

feeling like

unable as hus-

to the heroic standards their

of age during

and

after the

1960s, the process of identifying with father has become even

more complex, given our changing societal expectations about gender. We grew up amidst traditional sex roles in which fathers were the financial providers, while mothers were the emotional providers in the family.

Many

who prenow asked Many of us

sons identified with fathers

sented a traditional image of masculinity, yet they are to play a different role in their

strive to

own

adult families.

be different from our fathers while also unconsciously

trying to live

up

to their

image.

The Normal Male Struggle with Separation and Loss We

have begun

to

understand

much more

early family life shapes the psyches

and

girls.

The

about the way in which

and gender

identities of boys

earliest experiences of attachment to

mother and

father have a profound impact on the psychological lives of chil-

dren, and there are differences in the experiences of boys and girls.

Both parts of the separation-individuation process in child-

hood are problematic

for boys:

1.

Psychological separation from mother

2.

Identification

and bonding with father

Introduction

Every child begins acterized the trust is

and

life in full

stage of

first

union with mother. Erikson char-

life in

terms of the struggle between

mistrust. Trust refers to the infant s sense that the world

secure, stable, and trustworthy. That sense of the trustworthi-

ness of the world

is

message negotiated world as mother: In the earliest

communicated at

to the infant

her breast. In our infancy

by the mother, a

we experience

the

12

warm, responsive. weeks and months of life there

soft,

is

very

little dif-

ferentiation of self from mother. Yet for boys, proper sex-role iden-

means we must separate and renounce mother and we father. For psychoanalysts that is the way the powerful Oedipal drama is resolved: The son accepts that he cantification

must identify with

not hold onto mother and begins to turn toward father.

Letting go of mother

is

problematic for boys in several ways.

First, the organization of the family

in our society

make most

and the structure of parenting

early caretaking a feminine activity;

we

women. 13 Mothering is a close, tactile holding and caregiving, while fathering is more amorphous. We know our fathers from a distance; they may be warm but are usually more remote. The young boy may feel a great sense of loss, terror, and fear of abandonment in the recognition that as a male he is different from women. Often there is a struggle with attachment: Can I exist withusually experience caretakers as

out mother, or as different from her? In early childhood there

is

a

mutual process of separation and withdrawal between mother and

more independent and less young boy wants fiercely to emphasize his rudimentary conception of being a man. For many boys the only way to let go of what seems feminine is to devalue or ridicule it (from which springs the masculine tendency to denigrate women or such "womanly" sides of themselves as their "dependency"). We need to repress and hide (even from ourselves) our wishes to be taken care of longer, to remain close to son; mothers expect their sons to be

clinging, while the

mother. Yet the boy also struggles with the problem of

how

to

hold onto

FINDING OUR FATHERS

seem

the parts of himself that

taken care

of,

as well, often, as the

Many men

of self.

I've

mother or that depend on to be comforted and

like his

Those parts include the wish

her.

to

be held,

more

playful, imaginative sides

counseled remember mothers as emotive

and playful or associate

creativity, self-expression,

and imagina-

tion with a friendly female relative, such as an artistic aunt

showed them how

What as

wishes

am

I

suggesting

boys

little

to grieve

is

men

that

don't have a true opportunity

over the loss of mother, to master their

be female, to continue

to

who

to paint.

to

be taken care of by mother and

women, and to complete the process of separation and individuation from women. Early on we experience women as the ones who fill us up, who comfort and take care of us, without having an opportunity in growing up to learn how to fill ourselves and to feel full while truly separate from women. We do not learn to be cared the

nurturance and intimacy from,

to get

for,

first

men

The end that

men

our

in

lives,

our fathers,

carry around as adults a burden of vulnerability, depen-

when going

priate,

to

mother

still

for help as they

and they wouldn't or couldn't go

sion, anger, or sadness they felt. this

— beginning with

result of the boy's separation-individuation struggle is

dency, or emptiness within themselves,

time

men

and ending with ourselves.

grieving, reliving a

wanted

to

was inappro-

to father with the confu-

When men

are put in touch with

pain today, they will respond ambivalently: with rage or

shame, attempting curiosity

That

to

and a desire

is

prove their independence, as well as with to heal the

wound they

feel.

not to say that childhood determines everything about

the adult behavior of men.

Grown men

are not

little

children and

don't behave exactly as they did at age three or five or thirteen.

However, our childhood experiences do shape what we expect from both

women and

to the

other men, in ways that influence

how we respond

work and family pressures of modern times.

Men come

to

expect

as the caretakers selves.

women

and don't

As with any

to take care of

them; we see

women

feel really able to take care of our-

loss that occurs too quickly or sharply,

10

we

Introduction

idealize

what we lose as a way of holding onto

out any signs of our

own

childhood, so too do

men

them

in

it

and

As boys look

rigidly

stamp

mothers in

to

subtly look to their wives to take care of

ways that they cannot ask

themselves aware

I

neediness.

for directly

and often are not

of.

When men do ask am struck by how

directly for help they often feel angry or sad.

often in a marriage with changing roles, or

during times of work—family stress, a

man

his wife or ask her for help, saying that

will not talk

he feels like a

it

over with

little

kid or

seems "unmanly." What men are saying is that they feel infantilized when needy around women, because women are supposed to give help only to little boys, and they are reexperiencing a point in development where they got stuck: turning to mother for help and feeling embarrassed, inappropriate, as if doing something wrong that had to be hidden. We don't learn to negotiate with women or to feel comfortable about our own vulnerability it must so when we ask, we do so in manipube hidden and repressed lative or subtle ways, seeking to have the woman give us what we need without our taking responsibility for asking or receiving. So, many men truly remain little boys. it

—

—

Family Life Today Current family situations are rekindling issues of separation and loss that

men have

not had a chance to work out in growing up.

The issues center on our own vulnerability and dependency as men; uncertainties about our identities and about what it means to be a man; and the needs for support and reassurance many of our own fathers masked beneath the surface of traditional family arrangements and passed along unmet to their sons. The normal demands of family life today are powerfully shaped by mens early

—

—

experiences with father and mother, and by the lessons learned

from those experiences about what

it

means

to

be male.

Often men's reactions to their wives' involvement with work or

11

FINDING OUR FATHERS

with their children reflect childlike feelings of abandonment and the hunger for parental attention and nurturance.

When

we may

a wife goes off to work,

feel without realizing

it

and anger we experienced as a child wanting to hold on to Mother and trying to let go of her. The fact that many of our fathers went off to work every day, leaving us

some

of the vulnerability

alone with our mothers, increased their importance to us and

weakened our

fathers' roles as the transitional figures necessary to

complete the normal process of separation-individuation from mother. And, too, having rarely observed his father taking a sec-

ondary place to

to his mother, a

support a wife

One day Manhattan

man may

office

was

me

telling

sound patronizing,

to

know how

confidently

a successful thirty-eight-year-old lawyer in a luxurious

about his marriage. That confi-

became

dent, engaging man's tone suddenly

wanting

not

who works.

"Without

plaintive:

always assumed any wife of mine

I

would have a career of her own.

it would mix of loss, feelings of abandonment, and unmet dependency needs he felt on evenings and weekends when his wife devoted her time and energy to her career

be like this." The

just never anticipated

I

this referred to the

rather than to him.

The

plaintive lawyer

A

ment.

was not alone

in his feelings of

abandon-

successful university professor also talked about the

darker side of a dual-career marriage. Thoughtful and gentle, he

was clearly proud of his

wife's

he stopped is

an

that

I

at

illusion,

one point

achievements

now

lished in a counseling center

in our talk

you know, and

I

and reflected

need

my

working she has

much

til

less time to

I

pay attention

is

be taken care of

my

belief

need every week, to

my

wife's

me, and

I

been

know

a continuing struggle for me."

Similarly the arrival of children to

that "confidence

the tenure race. Since

maintaining confidence in myself

wishes

becoming estabwere older. Yet

wife to bolster

can be successful, get the writing done

publish those articles

in

that the children

may

rekindle

some

of our

in that blissful way, as well as

desperate desire to prove that

we have

12

our

given up such wishes and

Introduction

are independent.

all

how

sure

A been

Becoming a

man who,

struggle for the

be a father who

to

may

father

also spark an identity

lacking role models in his past,

me

business executive told

not at

is

present for his children.

is

with pride

how involved he had

he spoke sheepishly about

in the birth of his daughter. Yet

how betrayed he felt by his wife's continuing commitment to her demanding career as a lawyer now that their first child was born.

Now

For ten years they had shared most of their spare time. his wife juggling her law practice it

seemed

to this

man

as

if

with

and the care of a one-year-old,

"she has time for everything but me."

Spreading his hands in front of him in a shy gesture of embarrassed neediness, he exclaimed, 'The

new baby

is

doing

fine,

but

how

about the old baby? Me!"

There are numerous circumstances feeling childlike

growing up

dency and

— needy,

men have

in adult life that leave us

helpless, powerless to change things. In

great difficulty

vulnerability, often

coming

to

terms with depen-

because our fathers showed us that

such feelings were unacceptable, that

to

be successful men,

to

win

our fathers' approval, achievement was what counted. Our vulnerability

and dependency became papered over by an instrumental,

competent pose as adults or by focusing on what we do well: our ability to

Yet,

achieve in the work world.

despite

our

self-assurance

about

work,

uncertainties

abound there as well. Much of the uncertainty concerns how much of a commitment to make to career success; there is discomfort with the sense of self that the competitive workplace fosters.

puzzled Washington

official,

government agency, said

to

me

in dismay, after

with heroic stories of his success:

me. ...

I

feel

One

the associate director of a powerful

more and more

an interview

filled

"One major concern does bother

like a well-honed tool for

my

boss."

Then the clue: "He's like a father to me." Many men today wonder, how much like my boss or my mentor do I have to live my life? Clearly the capacity for autonomy, independence, and a separate identity is essential for healthy adult life.

on those qualities

in

But our emphasis

boys obscures the struggle they experience in

13

FINDING OUR FATHERS

separating from mother and father. Because

we have

not been

more

we

carry

able to nurture the needy, vulnerable parts of ourselves,

around within an angry, sad, childlike residue, which often shapes our adult relationships with wife, children, boss, and our own parents.

Men used

to

be protected from their unfinished business with

mothers and fathers by the traditional division of labor. But those of us who have grown up during the decades in which the women's

movement became

a powerful force are experiencing social

changes of epic proportions: the clear and direct movement of

women

into positions of greater

place and the

men

whether

movement

direction),

power and equality

men

in the

work-

into family life. Regardless of

truly are taking greater part in family life (and the

evidence suggests there

men

to repress or

of

is

indeed some small movement in that

are not being sheltered from parts of

devalue in order

to

life

they had

grow up. 14 Today, when a wife

goes to work, when a baby arrives, or when the family reorganizes upon the departure of children to college, the man is less able to turn to traditional sex roles and expectations. He is often put back in touch with feelings of helplessness and powerlessness that he did not entirely master as a child and is caught by surprise, often feeling a pain he can't really understand.

The

volatile nature of this situation is exacerbated

distrust

between the sexes. In

and women often look feel impatient with

at

this time of

by the mutual

changing sex roles

men

each other with suspicion. Many women

men's resistance

are just trying to hold onto their

power

to

change, feeling that

in relationships or are

lessly deficient in their capacity for intimacy.

Men

men

hope-

in turn often

become defensive around women, feeling accused and criticized by the women's movement. Some men then try to hide the powerlessness or incompetence they feel behind an emotionally armored posture. In

many marriages today

neither spouse has

much sym-

pathy or patience for the husband's childlike fears and anxieties as both try to develop

new work-family arrangements

together.

14

in their life

Introduction

Both sexes today seem tant ity.

to share a stereotype: that

men

are dis-

and unconnected, while relationships are the female specialMany people believe that women care more than men about

men

love. Yet the division of the sexes into

as feelers

is

as rational and

women

simply untrue, a harmful and dangerous myth. For

that

feminism has contributed

with

it

to

our culture,

all

has also brought

it

a subtle idealization of women and a less subtle denigration

or misunderstanding of men.

My

work with men convinces

me

that

there

is

a male vulnerability in relationships that can be traced

back

to

our early childhood experiences of separation and

The key letting

to the unfinished

manhood

business of

is

loss.

unraveling and

go of our distorted and painful misidentifications with our

fathers.

In order to understand men's adult conflicts with work and in-

timacy in today's world we have to understand the ways the boy

comes

to

experience himself, women, and men, as well as his

ongoing relationships as a grown

Each chapter

of his childhood. vulnerabilities life at

man

with the mother and father

of this book identifies the different

and pressure points that men experience in adult at home, shaped by the conflictful relationships

work and

we experience with father and mother. The next several chapters of this book explore

the ongoing sepa-

men and

their fathers not

ration-individuation struggle between

only in terms of their joint difficulties growing up but also in terms of the

ways men often symbolically act out their unfinished busi-

ness with father in their careers and with mentors. father—son dance

is

A

"lifelong"

traced in these chapters; the partners

seem

separate yet are joined, moving apart then coming closer as the

dance evolves,

their

seemingly

independent actions actually

united by deeper rhythms. Later chapters will turn to men's adult families,

men

examining the way

— and

in

which the wounded father within

—

by wives who work, by the experience of both failed and successful pregnancy, and by beis

provoked

coming more It is

often healed

fully involved

possible to heal the

themselves as fathers.

wounded

15

father within.

Men

are not

FINDING OUR FATHERS

passive victims;

children or to

intimacy that

much

of our wish to be

become mentors many men reveal,

wound within

more involved with our of the hunger for

much

at

work,

is

actually an attempt to heal the

we can become more

ourselves, so that

and nurturing as men. As we learn more about the adult

we

confident life

cycle,

are discovering that people reexperience issues of separation

and individuation from parents throughout adulthood. Vaillant, the director of the

Dr.

George

Grant Study, a longitudinal study of

Harvard men, concludes: "Over and over throughout the study, the

Even these men, selected in college for psychologic health, continued for the next two decades to wean themselves from their parents." 15 I have talked to enough men to know that both work and family lesson was repeated: childhood does not end at 21.

can be a healing experience

for

men; particularly

in

our experi-

ences as nurturing husbands' and fathers, we can heal our relation-

own

and mothers, letting go of oppressive happened to us growing up male. Yet too there are many men who continue to act out with bosses and wives unfinished business with their fathers and mothers. Healing the wounded father within is a psychological and social process that unfolds over time and involves exploring one s own history, testing out and exploring a new sense of self, and understanding the complex crosscurrents within our families which affected us as we grew up. Later chapters explore what is involved as an adult in that healing process at work and at home. Certainly it means tolerating the angry and needy feelings that our work and family life provoke today, and not trying to discard too quickly ship with our

fathers

fantasies about what

those uncomfortable, childlike feelings of powerlessness beneath the pose of male competence and identity.

The Wounded Father Within I

saw

this little

boy within myself one summer day

New Hampshire

several years ago.

16

It

at

our cabin in

happened during a period

Introduction

when

stuck and frustrated in

felt

I

outside

I

was hard

at

pletely escaped me.

my

work. Despite the sunshine

work inside on a book whose point had com-

A sinking feeling came over me.

I

was walking

through snowdrifts of words, knee-high, bored by what

My

my

wife was watching to

cheer

our favorite

trails.

morning,

"No,

was say-

I

can't.

I

me

want

daily

melodrama of frustration. One we take a hike on one of

up, she suggested

to finish this chapter, Julie.

I

can't take time

replied through gritted teeth.

off," I

"Well, how's "Terrible. to

I

angry and frustrated underneath.

ing,

I

it

going?"

hate this writing.

Why am

I

doing this? Does

it

have

be so hard?" I

saw an expression of sorrow,

Julie's face, the sort of look

irritation,

and boredom cross

people get when they see those they

love hurting themselves again.

And

in the

same way. For the nth

time. This time she unloaded:

"You've said this a million times, Sam. listen to yourself?

Why

When

don't you take time off

are you going to

and think things

through? You're not sure what you want to say in that book, or even if

you're going about

it

in the right way.

"You're like a kid walking

to

down

mother so too

men

wagon As boys look

the street pulling this red

rocks behind you, crying and asking for help."

full of

look to their wives to provide us comfort and

nurture without our having to take our pain seriously.

boy

I

would go

to

my mother

and inappropriate) but father with I

to

I

with

my

As a

little

pain (feeling embarrassed

never was able satisfactorily to go to

my

it.

appreciated Julie's concern and ultimately did take her advice

put the book aside. Yet in identifying

game

my

expectations and the

was playing she was also calling

off the game. and angry. An angry inner voice shouted back: "You owe me!" I

Here was the

traditional bargain

17

men make

with

I felt

shamed

women:

I

work

FINDING OUR FATHERS

hard and

and she

suffer,

be sympathetic and comforting and

will

reassuring. Often men's inability to

let

go of mother seems like a

consolation prize for the absence of a reassuring sense of father.

There fering

was

I

New Hampshire

in this beautiful

— and she was supposed

grow up! She wasn't living up

her part in

to

countryside, suf-

comfort me, not challenge

to

my

me

to

passion play.

If my anger then had more voice, I might have said, "You're a woman, you wouldn't understand you can't possibly know what

—

be a man."

feels like to

it

An image work comes

my

getic,

of

my

to

mind.

father watching

My

father looking beaten

be talked about.

He

was, after

sense of entrapment he talk, or so

my

To

saw

it

seemed

in a

way

that couldn't really

a big success at work, but the

was not an appropriate topic

me

at the time.

to

summer cabin

I

was

several years ago,

was making Julie

I

was afraid

to

to confront.

clearly,

bumped

I

powerless to take control of

I felt

my mother while I'd become my least my image of my father. John

into

this passion play, or at

came

I

at

some remote recess where we see ourselves

lesson

for family

my fathers sad, powerless face in our of him was in me as well. And my wife had pointed

that angry as

into a frightening truth: I

down all,

an angry, trapped part of myself that In

sullenly after a hard day's

felt

shock, sitting in that

house, that part to

TV

mother seemingly more cheerful, ener-

mind, explored

in

my

life.

father in

Updike's

Rabbit Angstrom's journey

through adulthood: The fate of American

men

is to

remain

little

boys, never gaining their freedom from mother or father.

For

men

to feel

empowered,

to

come

to

terms with our identities

and deal honestly with our wives, our children, and the demands of careers,

means healing

the

wounded

father within, an angry-sad

version of ourselves that feels unloved and unlovable. That

coming enough:

to

means

terms with that distorted person we never knew well

father.

The next chapter explores

the vulnerabilities and

pressure points of the father-son relationship and their conse-

quences

for

men's adult

lives.

18

Unspoken Debts: Men's Struggle to Separate from Father

Un a bleak February day a

forty-year-old investment analyst for

a prestigious Wall Street firm was telling

and how rejected he

room of

sat in the living

of

New

York.

felt

He spoke

by his

father.

me

about his childhood

Both Harvard graduates, we

his bachelor apartment

in a

on the East Side

calm, matter-of-fact way about painful

disappointments.

As we talked

of his father, tears suddenly

came

to his eyes,

and

he stood up from his chair. Without a word he walked out of the

room to a bathroom across the hall. In a few moments he came back red-eyed, blowing his nose. He didn't mention the interruption;

he might just as well have

"You

feel

left

the

room

to take a

phone

call.

sad about the way things went with your father,"

ventured in a sympathetic tone.

19

I

FINDING OUR FATHERS

"Well," he replied, blowing his nose as longing,

"it's all

over now,

my

if

to scare

away

His father may have died, but the sense of longing and ness had not. Like

about his father.

many men,

He

is

Not

all

men remember

man

if

his father

unimportant

is

expressed through his tears.

is

their fathers as rejecting.

heroic memories of their fathers.

One

Some have

very

doctor lovingly described

up as George Washington

his father dressed

bitter-

the financier obviously feels conflict

trying to act as

even as his yearning for the

his

father died five years ago."

in his town's

annual

Fourth of July picnic; he kept a framed photograph from one of those events on his office desk.

What does stand

out in men's talk of their fathers

a mysteri-

is

Whether describing heroes, villains, or someone in between, most men know little of their father's inner lives, what they thought and felt as men. The first man in our life was a ous, remote quality.

puzzling, forbidding creature.

There cally,

and

is

compelling evidence that fathers remain, psychologi-

very significant figures for

forties are a crucial time. In

able to drive through with father or that

"my

life

men

assuming

father

is

The

in adulthood.

thirties

young adulthood a man may be that things are

who he

is, it

"worked out"

doesn't matter to me,"

but as we age into our thirties and forties the need for reconnecting becomes more pressing. The reworking of our image of our father, a deepening of its texture, is part of that great shift in motives and value that mark the midlife years what has been called "the coming to second journey" of adulthood. "Naming your father"

—

terms with

—

who he

really

is,

hood is a key to every man's emerge as he ages. In his article "Fathers

psychologist Zick Rubin

—

stripped of the distortions of childability to allow a richer identity to

and Sons: The Search identifies

for

Reunion," the

an important theme

for

men

at

midlife and their fathers: the search for a closer connection after the distance that developed during adolescence and young adult-

hood.

What

is

striking about Rubin's data

20

is

how few

fathers

and

Unspoken Debts

sons achieve that connection,

how many men experience

"father-

hunger." 1

way

Part of what gets in the

and sons

is

of reconciliation between fathers

our conflict around separating from our fathers. Like

the red-eyed financier,

men

often

seem on

their fathers' love but also not to want

along without

it.

I

it,

to

hand

the one

to

want

prove that they can get

think this points to the difficulties sons have as

children in coming to terms with their fathers, the way in which things

seem hopeless or

most areas of our

lives,

too highly charged between them.

we

As

by getting distance from them without working through our tense,

A

mixed

in

often separate from significant figures in-

feelings.

reviewer of a recent anthology of male poetry found himself

"most moved by the father and son poetry," yet refer to Yeats's

comment

to

felt

constrained to

describe the volume as "not the poetry

and knowledge, but of longing and complaint." 2 Longing and complaint toward our fathers. One son pens a "Letter to a of insight

Dead to

Father," five years gone, but the poet

say

my son, my beloved son." And

accusation at his father: love their sons/have sons

is "still

in the silence

waiting for you

he hurls a cruel

"Do you see now that fathers/who cannot who cannot love?" And he ends the poem

with a bitter renunciation: "It was not your fault/and

mine/I needed/your love but

I

recovered without it/Now

it

I

was not

no longer

need anything." 3

What

is it

like to live as a

grown-up trying

to

prove that you "no

who seemed The poet s unfinished sadness and hurt are

longer need anything," as an angry lesson to a father also not able to love?

apparent even as he denies

it.

To speak of "fault" really misses the point. Fathers and sons are caught in a special trap. Given the traditional arrangement of families,

tions

identifiable,

"normal" misunderstandings and disconnec-

can haunt the adult

lives of both fathers

21

and sons.

FINDING OUR FATHERS

The Kosher Rebellion my

For years force

father felt like a heavy weight to

remote sadness and distant judgmental felt

as

As

I

me, an immovable

could neither approach nor avoid, pressing on

I

if it

grew

had frozen

in

some point

quality.

in time,

Our

me

probably adolescence.

my thirties, married, he continued to seem unapMen often describe their fathers in terms of natural

into

proachable.

attributes, like

mountains or rocks or other mute objects of nature,

or else in terms of distance, often up, higher, imputing a tal

quality to the old

my

father, there

fierce tears, I

with his

relationship

I

grew up

man, as

judgmen-

Dylan Thomas's plea: "And you

in

on the sad height, /Curse, bless,

me now

with your

pray." 4

1950s

in the

in a

household that reflected

its

own

version of the silent, unacknowledged struggle around sex roles,

which

later

member

was

to find its voice in the

women's movement.

that struggle as erupting the night

my mother

the kosher dishes and brought shrimp into the house. rebellion,

when

My gion.

I

first

I

re-

threw out

The kosher

hers and then mine, which followed, took place

was a teenager.

family started out as fairly traditional with respect to

We

were a conservative Jewish family, more by

definition than

my

my

Keeping kosher means you

mother's.

reli-

father's

can't eat

milk and meat together, nor shrimp, scallop, lobster, or any shellfish, all

forbidden.

No

pigs, either, or

any meat not slaughtered in

the kosher manner. Jewish families adhered to those complex rules in different ways. In

my

family the uneasy rules were that non-

kosher meat could be eaten in restaurants, except for shellfish or pork products, which we were never

That moral calculus rules out

and milk and meat

to eat,

home or out of it. cheeseburgers, ham and eggs, and,

could never be combined in the same meal

at

most important, veal parmigiana, a dish that was destined

cupy a rather large place

Some time

in the

in

my

to oc-

psychic menu.

mid-1950s my mother

22

work outside some commercial

started to

the home. She had written short stories with

Unspoken Debts

success but then decided she wanted to get more steady work. She

became

skilled at editing

and dubbing foreign

York City, developed a reputation, and began icant

income

that time she

into the house.

again. At

some

New

signif-

Then a funny thing happened. About stuff was too much, and she

decided that the kosher

wasn't going to do

been used

film scripts in

to bring

it

to eating

any more. All her

shrimp and

before marriage she had

life

lobster,

and she decided

do

to

it

she began eating shrimp on the sly in restaurants,

first

my

Then she started bringing in shrimp and hiding it in the freezer to eat when she was working on a job at home. It was a secret. Nobody talked about taking

slow, not wanting to disturb

it

what was in those bags going to say anything;

mentioned

My

open.

brother and

mother if

flatly

I

were not

known, but he never

father must have

Finally, though, the revolution

it.

home

fish at

My

in the freezer.

my

father.

came

out into the

declared she was going to start eating shell-

she wanted, and she wasn't going to keep kosher

any more.

So how did my father deal with that? He dealt with it as many men do when confronted with an existential crisis of beliefs and values. He tried the two basic male strategies: He grew angry and threatening, and

and sulked. At

As a have

when

how

I

saw

understand that this didn't happen

prolonged struggle in our family. her nerve. I've always

felt that

It

it

took

all at

my mother

once.

It

You

was a

years to get up

was earning money

that led her

she could assert herself in the relationship. Once she

started bringing

home

at the time.

it

teenager, the whole thing scared the hell out of me.

to

to feel

he withdrew into silence

that didn't work,

least that's

home

the shrimp.

the bacon, she

When

younger brother and

I

felt

she could certainly bring

the kosher rebellion finally broke out,

my

had the disturbing choice of siding with one

or the other of our parents.

Was

it

tempting

to side with

my

mother! Especially when you're

in

an Italian restaurant with your parents for dinner and are dying

to

order veal parimigiana. There

I

was

salivating,

juicy bubbling cheese on top of the soft meat.

23

I

could taste the

The forbidden

fruit.

FINDING OUR FATHERS

What should

a poor teenager do? At the age of fourteen, barely

bar-mitzvahed,

I

ordered veal parmigiana right

in front of

my

fa-

ther.

was

I

New

gant

My

terrified.

palms

sweat thinking about

still

it.

An

ele-

York restaurant, the Vesuvio. All four Oshersons en-

grossed in their menus. Father

my

across the table,

Mom

chicken marsala, and

menu. Shall

is sitting

my

brother on

on

my

my mother

right,

Father finally orders

left.

orders shrimp scampi.

stare at the

I

follow her in her rebellion? Old, boring eggplant or

I

succulent veal parmigiana?

Whose

side of the family

Ion? The waiter waits impatiently with ony, the enormity of the choice

head and looks

at

that look of his.

me

his pad, oblivious to the ag-

must make.

I

drama am

My

down

once, then glances

father turns his

menu. Ah,

at his

Did he mean

to

always look like a smoldering

manage

to

choke out of

volcano? "Veal parmigiana," that

my

I

father will lean over

and

throttle

Would the waiter save me, pulling my neck? What an embarrassing scene

And how

The

my

his credit,

my

did

did nothing.

me

my

throat, certain

with his bare hands.

down

off

my

would be.

father react to his son s betrayal?

waiter wrote

arms

father's strong

that

the order,

He

said and

ate the dinner.

I

To

father ultimately accepted the change, accepted the

whole revolution, and never said a word about the veal and cheese I

—

that night or ever.

thought

I

got off easy. For years

as the strong one in the family,

After

all,

his kosherness

mother; he a say in

felt

it

how we

looked back on

who helped

liberate

was a way of holding onto

My

as an obligation. live,"

I

and she was

life.

She expanded

window

telling

to greater

him

My

"I

and

want

too that not every-

him a way out

freedom and choice

of

in his

his narrow, overly responsible, overly orderly

view of things. So she freed him

example.

his father

mother was saying,

thing had to be tied to the past. She was giving his imprisonment, a

my mother my father.

father felt trapped

in other

ways

—

his career, for

and frustrated by the family busi-

24

Unspoken Debts

ness, which he kept

up

My

immigrant parents.

partly as an obligation to his long-dead

mothers

revolt

helped him examine the

own chains. He ultimately did leave the family busimake some freeing decisions. Would he have been did and ness length of his

able to tic

the family had played along forever in the kosher domes-

if

He had

slavery?

who

got

work

who went

a wife

for herself,

ample helped him along. I still believe that, and

my

respect

I

some chances,

out and took

which she enjoyed, and

think that ex-

I

parents very

much

for the

and responsible way they have worked out differences and

loving

kept their marriage vibrant. Yet that dinner at the Vesuvio haunted

me for years. My mother seemed

much more

like a

hood. She seemed optimistic,

the past in a mournful way. Great

what

Dad

wanted, and what did

I

Mom

rules.

at least offered veal

For a long time, tried to

I

attractive

vital, energetic,

suppose,

I

—

it

model of adult-

and not locked

seemed

as

if

into

women had and more

offer? Rules, rules,

parmigiana. thought

I

had no father

really

and

in the void in the traditionally appropriate way, with

fill

surrogate fathers:

my

profession, Harvard,

my

employer,

my

boss.

way a person acts when he feels that the real person he work things out with is unapproachable and too forbid-

That's the

needs

to

ding. Find a substitute.

my

Putting distance between

work, though. Eventually inside me. sion of rigid,

my

and myself

really didn't

my image

of

him was

was carrying along a sad, mournful, judgmental verfather. At times, too many times, I acted that same way: I

judgmental, remote.

texts for a

father

recognized that

I

I

found myself searching psychology

good definition of the idea of

cal process

whereby we take

introjection, a psychologi-

in conflictual figures,

swallowing

them whole in a distorted way, rather than identifying with parts of them in a more personally satisfying way. In our silent

How

could

I

my

male dance

I

learned

He and

I

were locked into the family pattern of

have?

protective denial,

little

of

father's inner life.

whereby children and mother collude with father

25

FINDING OUR FATHERS

him from emotionally challenging family subjects, de-

to "protect"

nying too that the family has isolated and infantilized Dad. Instead

you turn

mother

to

and explanation, confirming the

for information

"feminine" work of being the emotional switchboard Father's vulnerability

becomes a taboo, fearsome

in the family.

topic in this

system.

Only years

He

passion:

keep

later did

felt

I

he was

his family in line

see the guilt he struggled with, the silent

letting his parents

eyes as well as in theirs

And he

probably

had thought

felt

down.

He was

failing to

around beliefs and values essential

—

to

in his

be a good, Orthodox, faithful Jew.

betrayed by

of us, especially his wife.

all

He

was clear when they married: She'd keep a clean

it

kosher household, he'd earn a good

living.

Now

she was changing

the rules about something he considered an article of faith.

When how

Why

I

think back to the kosher rebellion

ridiculous, unapproachable,

did he insist on those rules, which

couldn't explain

why we needed

had apparently decreed not eat shrimp to

it

to

My

to

keep is

to realize

made

little

sense?

He

father couldn't say

it

I

had

set of family traditions that

in the love of his father

His dilemma

me

keep kosher except that Moses

and veal parmigiana.

haps, a wife with ideas of her

was trying

pains

important two thousand years ago that

do with love, with keeping alive a

wrapped him

it

and massive my father seemed.

and mother. For him, per-

own meant

the death of the father he

alive.

understandable

if

we consider

that

men show

their love symbolically, through their behavior, not their words.

show me you do" was a favorite direcSuch an imperative strips men of the opportunity to express their love verbally and emotionally more fully. Instead it is our behavior that must send the message; we become trapped in having to perform as signs of our love deeds and accom"Don't

tell

me you

love me,

tive of that generation.

plishments that we might otherwise forswear.

come angry

Many men

then be-

captives of choices that are not satisfying to them but

remain the only way they can show their love families.

26

for their parents

and

»

Unspoken Debts

So

my

father couldn't explain to us

And

his parents.

I,

and couldn't separate from

in the full-blooded grip of adolescence, wasn't

going to ask him what his father problem was. Instead he became

and

identified with a dusty overlay of rules, pomposity, phoniness,

a vulnerability that couldn't be talked about.

He was

a pain in the

neck, ridiculous and heroic and demanding at the same time. That

became

the substratum of

thority figures for quite

my

some

relationship with

men and

with au-

time.

The Wounded Father The wounded

father

is

the internal sense of masculinity that

carry around within them.

It is

experience as judgmental and angry

or,

depending on our relation-

ship with father, as needy and vulnerable. can't love his children

the

wounded

father he

When

a

man

says he

because he wasn't loved well enough, is

it

is

struggling with.

There are three aspects linked but separable.

men

an inner image of father that we

to

our image of the wounded father,

The son may remember

father as

all

wounded,

with father's deep sadness, incompetence or anger dominating his

image of the man.

He may

remember

also

father as wounding,

evoking the loss and needy feelings the son experienced in having

been rejected by or disappointing

may

to the father.

And

thirdly, the

and internalize distorted and idealized images and memories of father as he struggles to synthesize his identity son

introject

as a man.

Consider

some

this

example.

A

middle-aged biologist told

frustration of his attempt to

he married and had children. dinner

at his

become

He

home and watching

me

with

closer to his father after

described inviting his father to his father

sit silently

and awk-

wardly between his daughter-in-law and grandchildren. The scene

reminded the biologist of how peripheral his father had seemed "He was not a man who was easy to talk

during his childhood. to

—

I

made

several attempts

father's death,

and was rejected." Reflecting on

he presents a wounded image of father:

27

his

FINDING OUR FATHERS

was pretty tough,

"It

enty. all.

He

had

to get inklings of

I

felt

when my

because

would

never, never

let

what he

I

father died, at age sev-

know

didn't really

go of his control,

felt, listen in

the

man

This

between the

had never come

I

man

is first

lines.

to

know him.

I

doubt

if

anybody had."

family. "I felt so sorry

him." Yet too, the father wounds the son, as the biologist

us that "the main feeling was of terrible loss." That

is

finally,

the

wounded

father lies in the sense of

manhood

He

struggled throughout his

proper role for an adult

and authority is

man

figure: "the

life

And

this scien-

internalized, based on his fathers distant, controlled

the home.

tells

the needi-

ness and yearning for his father that the son experiences.

father

I

And

describing his father as having been wounded,

and remote and excluded within the

silent,

tist

at

speak openly.

to

so sorry for him. But the main feeling was of terrible loss,

because

for

in fact,

felt really bereft,

I

image

in

with a belief that the

stops with being a distant provider

whole parent-is-god syndrome, as

if

the

put on earth just to be the disciplinarian."

The Wounded Father as a Misidentification The

internalized,

wounded

father

is

of the father, a composite of fantasy

sponding

to the reality of

on the son of the

and

We

father's

not always corre-

really like or exactly

are not talking of literal reality.

we must examine

this

reality,

what father was

what went on within the family. To understand

rooted in the son's experience

the psychological impact

absence from his family.

Everyone faces a dual separation struggle: from mother and from father.

ally

It isn't

helpful to claim that separation problems

more with one parent than the

come

to

other. Clearly

we

all

lie

gener-

struggle to

terms with the reality of both parents, and the family

climate within which not just one parent.

on coming

to

we grow up

is

the creation of

all

participants,

Yet there are special problems attendant

terms with each parent.

28

And absence,

either physical

— Unspoken Debts

more commonly psychological, complicates the

or

son's relation-

ship with the father.

When

a person

you need

absent, either physically or psychologically,

is

explain

to

why

that person is not there. Father

absence

provides fertile ground for a son's mistaken imaginings about his

The

father.

That

son's understanding of his father's

where sons

is

start to idealize or

identifying with them,

absence

is

crucial.

degrade their fathers, mis-

and struggling with shame and

guilt

them-

selves.

The fundamental male

vulnerability rooted in the experience of

father lies in our fantasies there.

and myths

to

explain

why

father isn't

Those are misunderstandings, usually unconscious and

often very frightening to the son, that cripple our sense of our

manhood. The son may experience

own

his father's preoccupation with

work or emotional unavailability at home as his own fault. It's because of something the son has done that father doesn't pay attention to him.

The son may

feel not

good enough as a

face of this powerful, successful father,

him. Or the son feeling he

the

same

is

fate.

may

who

hasn't

man

in the

enough time

for

perceive a secret weakness in his father

less than a

Many men

man I

— and become determined

to

avoid

have interviewed carry around a feeling

of both having betrayed their father

and having been betrayed

by him.

Because of the emotional disconnection between fathers and sons, the father

standings. little

and son cannot easily untangle those misunder-

Numerous

studies indicate that fathers spend relatively

time in close, leisurely interaction with their children. The

family researchers Rebelsky and thers

Hanks have suggested

that fa-

spend an average of thirty-seven seconds a day interacting

first three months of their life. Pedersen and Robson found an average of about an hour a day of direct play between fathers and nine-month-old infants, including time spent together on weekends. 5 The pattern continues as children age. Our fathers worked hard. It's not that they didn't love their chil-

with infants in the

29

FINDING OUR FATHERS

dren. Yet their love was expressed from a distance.

James Carroll notes

in a review of a

new

As

the author

fathers journal of his

child's first year, "the curse of fatherhood is distance,

spend their

fathers

The

lives trying to

overcome

love of our fathers was clearly

it."

and good

6

summarized by the puzzled

father interviewed by Professor Zick Rubin,

who

couldn't under-

stand his son's resentment at the lack of affection between them,

explaining "if affection can be interpreted by what

do, than

I

I

think I'm an affectionate person." 7

Our were

fathers did love us; they

in

many ways on

worked hard, they provided, they

the outside of the family, and in their silent

doing was the expression of their love. That

is

traditionally

how

men

express love: by performing, being instrumental and taking

care

of,

by protecting and providing. Yet that creates problems

people.

coming

conflicts of choice

How

to

and ambivalent wishes and dreams

in his life?

does Dad deal with mother and women? The son has

struct

for

know his father, and thereby men, as real How does Dad deal with failure, with success, with the

the son in

an answer

glimmerings about what his father That

is

is

not in itself news; there

to

con-

depending on subtle cues and

to those questions,

is

feeling

and thinking.

a considerable literature on

the problem of father absence. But what are the consequences for the grown son today of a childhood relationship of distance with his father?

we

many men

them a childhood image of father and of their relationship to him. There is a cartoon quality to father images, suggesting a view of father built up by First,

find that

carry within

watching this person from a distance. What

is

striking

is

that often

the fathers in these cartoons are angry or disappointed with us.

They are

often the images that a

young boy might construct around

a large, intimidating, puzzling older figure. There often seems a

key time when the relationship got stuck or frozen

—

puberty, ado-

lescence, and early childhood are key stress points.

One

therapist

who works

with fathers and adult sons laughingly

30

Unspoken Debts

how

described life

often

men

will describe their fathers in larger-than-

terms.

"Big Al? Do you want Big Al after

to

come in?" a man might ask me

going over the struggles he's had with his father. There's often

and awe in his voice. "Then Big Al arrives for our appointment and turns out to be a tiny, eighty-five-year-old man, short and gentle. But the father of fear

childhood lives on in these men's minds." is

a problem with both parents. Children aren't privy to the

life

of either parent in a very full way, nor should they nec-

That inner

essarily be.

There are many misunderstandings between sons and

mothers, to be sure,

many

relationship. Yet on the

of

men who

pressures and tensions that distort the

whole

I've

been impressed by the numbers

report being able to talk as children to their mothers

but not to their fathers. That continues throughout their lives. In

numerous studies men and women report a closer relationship with their mothers. In Komarovsky's studies of Ivy League college students in the 1970s, she found that male undergraduates talked about themselves more with their mothers than with their fathers and were more satisfied with their relations with their mothers. The undergraduates complained most that their fathers were cold and uninvolved, giving too

little

port being able to test limits

seem unable

of themselves. 8

and

reality with

to with their fathers.

As

we'll see,

men

re-

mothers in ways they

Exaggerated emotions become

associated with father: angry, sad, needy, or judgmental looks and

become the bricks of which our experience of father is built. Here are some variations of the wounded father that men carry within them, and their consequences for the adult life of the sons. stares

The All-Suffering Father The current Governor of New York, Mario Cuomo, provides a striking description of a suffering father, which is one way he may look

31

FINDING OUR FATHERS

to

Cuomo

a child.

thought often of his father during his bitter and

trying election campaign. At one point he reminisces:

"I

knew him only

We

hours a day.

on the holidays, walk.

He

as a person

never sat down

who worked twenty-four

to dinner, or very rarely

in the later years.

He

me

never took

never had a man-to-man talk with me.

saw him relaxed

until, in later years, the store

had

closed on Sunday mornings after ten o'clock. ...

for a

never

I

I

to

be

think

him as being very affectionate, but I don't remember him arm around me. You always had the sense that he had great feeling for you. You saw him providing for you, at enormous pain to himself. You saw him doing nothof

putting his

— never bought himself

ing for himself

joyed himself.

was that

this

.

.

.

put his arm around

Cuomo sacrifice

So

man was

anything, never en-

the overwhelming impression offering us his

life:

we got

he didn't have

to

you" 9

presents here an "idealized" father, one in which self-

and hard work

of masculine identity.

in the real world are the

Such an image

of father

main components

is

idealized in that

The wounded father for some sons will lie in the expectation of having to live up to father's sacrifice: Father gave up so much for me, now it

I

is

up

built

must repay

his burden.

before

me

it

largely out of the son's fantasy about him.

by being like

Not

to

by justifying his sadness,

father, or

do so means

to let father

his sad, all-suffering look.

down,

Some men may

from the demands of that wounded, demanding able to meet the expectations; other

to see

men

again

try to flee

father, feeling

try to live

up

to

un-

them and

become the all-sacrificing father of their childhood experience. From the growing son's point of view, a father who offers you his life presents a gift that can hardly be refused. The magnitude of that gift makes it difficult to bring up other matters, such as, "Dad, what are you feeling? Why do you work so hard? What do you expect of me? Why do I feel so angry and overburdened by

32

— Unspoken Debts

you?"

—

all

the existential questions that adolescent and even

younger children normally have

vacuum, many explanations for ship

is

the

way

why

it is.

father

is

Mom

and

I

the

A man may

answer as they grow. To

fill

the

way he

feel

and why the

is

unconsciously as

if

relation-

he drove

perhaps winning the oedipal battle

his father out of the house, just

to

sons resort to fantasy, unconsciously developing

occupying the house while Dad

is

out busy work-

Such "victories" are terrifying and lead some men to work hard to live up to father's image and avoid his imagined or real ing.

anger.

For a son who grows up with the experience of the all-suffering father, suffering

and entrapment may seem the male

fate.

Father

never escaped; he worked hard, and that becomes our task as well.

To be a loving son means

Dad

that

did. Not to

difficult to let is

to

work hard and

do so means

unhappy and

in the

suffering.

We may

means

identify with a deeply

happy

unhappy

Loving and suffering

in life.

world of work become confused. That

is

manly pains It can be

go and partake of happiness as an adult when father

father too "good" to be selfishly

what

suffer the

to leave your father.

is

the male version of

often thought of as a characteristic female dynamic: To love to suffer within relationships.

The Saintly or Heroic Father The fathers coming and going may seem especially exciting to a young boy; the world of his mother, the family, may seem mundane and entrapping compared with the stories he hears about and from his father about the busy, intriguing world of work and "men's business." Traditional family roles in some families may encourage the idealization of Dad and devaluation of Mom, for in some families Dad, by virtue of his career outside the home, provides novelty and excitement to his family with his return at the end of the day. The grown son may feel that he can never live up to this heroic father unless he

own

family.

is

He may

also idealized

wish

to

— seen

appear

33

as the hero

to his wife

—

within his

and children as "the

FINDING OUR FATHERS

Knight in Shining Armor" who has the apparent freedom of his father to

come and go

important errands.

may

10

as he pleases, off on busy world affairs and

His excessive expectations of adoration from

him feeling quite vulnerable when he tries to assume a realistic and involved fathering role in which his children can both admire him and criticize him for being human. One such man who had taken over considerable childcare responsibilities in his home told me how angry and embarrassed he felt when remembering his father's success as an army officer who would come home brimming with stories of "missions" and successes; not living up to such a vision of masculinity left him feeling at times like a weak little boy. You can hear in mens talk how sons traditionally learn little their feelings and thoughts, esabout their fathers' inner lives pecially how empty or uncomfortable a man will feel struggling with his uncertainties as an adult. Cuomo's constant wondering how his father dealt with the "existential questions" he himself now faced during a difficult election campaign he might lose failure, the sacrifices that come with a demanding career, the limlend a poignant note to his camits of paternal responsibility his family

leave

—

—

paign diaries.

Some men have

and feelings of dealt with life

little

their fathers, or of

dilemmas we

idea of the true expectations

how their women,

all face:

fathers themselves

aging, the vicissi-

tudes of power, disappointments of achievement. Confronting such

common

questions as an adult can leave some

or like orphaned children.

work or prefer

to

No wonder many

men

feeling

empty

of us turn harder to

keep our minds "elsewhere."

The Secretly Vulnerable Father It's

true that

many men have very positive, when men report worldly,

their fathers. Yet

often strike a compensatory note, as

if

often heroic images of

successful fathers they

aware of some secret weak-

ness in father that was intolerable for the son to see or imagine.

That too comes out of the traditional family structure and the

34

fa-

Unspoken Debts

place in

ther's

father,

it

it.

While the

traditional family often

seems

and undercuts the

also secretly degrades

to glorify

son's sense of

masculinity.

One bank was

father hero.

He

of their

to

executive figured the best way to

compare him

to

tell

me

about his

Paul Bunyan, the American folk

reverently described his father reminiscing on the porch

Maine summer home

late at night

during a recent

visit

about his dramatic intelligence exploits in the Office of Strategic

War II. The breadth of knowledge, the awed the executive, as he told me of this father he idealized. A father he himself felt he never could live up to, who haunted him with the question "Can I ever be as successful as this father?" The wounded father for the executive lay in the image of father as secretly vulnerable. The executive provided the clue later, when he got to mother: "She was always on his case, constantly bitching at him, and I'll never forgive her for that." The great man could not hold his own in the family, and his son, now Services during World strength of character

himself married, carries around a rage "hero"-breaking.

He

tries to

at

women

as dangerous and

avoid the same fate as his father by

reassuring me, and thereby himself, that "I

make

the decisions in

our family."

The

traditional role of father in the family secretly

communiwounded

cated a sense of weakness to sons, which underlies the father within

men

today.

entered into was that the

The

traditional bargain that our parents

woman

takes care of the expressive, af-

fective tasks in the family while the

financial

and material provider. He

husband is

is

the instrumental

the real-world caretaker,

she the emotional caretaker. That arrangement gives mothers tre-

mendous power

in the family.

They become the

"affective switch-

boards" in the family, the center of the communication pattern; the kids turn to mother to deal with their dad, while father comes to depend on mother to tell him about what happened at home while he was gone during the day and how to deal with the more foreign

world of the family.

As

the children get older, father can be pushed even farther to

35

FINDING OUR FATHERS

Here

the periphery of the family.

is

where the family pattern of

becomes particularly destructive to sons, as comes to be largely shaped by mother. ProfesMichael Farrell and Stanley Rosenberg of Dartmouth write of

"protective denial" their view of father

sors

this pattern in their

Men

book

at Midlife:

—

Mother and children often form secret alliances deceiving, laughing about, and simultaneously protecting the husband. The wife recognizes the husband's

efforts

maintaining an image of himself as patriarch. She seeks

at

to

avoid confrontation that might undermine his belief of

being in control of the family and having their support and respect. Consequently, the relationship in

becomes entangled

a web of deception. n

Some men may develop openly degraded, about their fathers.

own

certain of his

A

frightening ideas

chemist, angry and scared of women, un-

abilities as a father

and husband,

told

me

this

about his parents:

had grown up with a dislike

"I

my

for

father, a hatred at times.

wondering what kind of person he was,

With

dislike, suspicion,

and

realized later this was the result of what

me

I

my mother had

told

about him. Not exactly told me, but implied. She broke up

when he was a boy, there was somehow they

several friendships he had, from early days

with other men, and the implication

I

got

had homosexual overtones or something didn't

mean

was wrong

put that in

to

for a

man

to

my

sounded

to

than friendship. sexuality.

I

Perhaps she

like that.

that's

what

I

got

—

it.

And

I

it

thought so too as a child."

me as if he was more worried about sexual

How

that

put his friends in an important position.

His family was what needed It

head, but

terrible to

wondered aloud

if

have questions about your

he ever

felt

identity father's

angry because his father

wasn't there for him.

"No!

It

was

my mother who was

36

angry,

and she was very vocal

Unspoken Debts

I

persisted, wondering aloud, "I thought you agreed with her."

Then

his rage

"Well, yes, that she

was tapped:

my mother

told

me, what does a child believe!

I

felt

was indeed being put upon and abused. Okay?"

So, dependent on his mother to understand his father, he was

enraged and ashamed of his involvement with to

haunt him through his twenties,

thirties,

her.

and

That rage was

forties.

and work, he carried around a "wounded" picture of Like many men, he had to "read between the lines" picture. This man's internal

"wounded

threatening experience of his father as

(Did that

mean

that

between his son and his this

man

threatening. For this

felt

Out of

wife.

man such fulfill

his

What

somehow

"less than a

man"

excluded by the close bond

his fear of a

weak vulnerable

fears led to overcompensatory at-

manly responsibilities

the while angry and scared that

with him.

father" lay in his personally

constructed a sense of father as punitive and

tempts to live up, to all

to get this

he too was less than one?) and the angry,

judgmental picture of a father who

father,

At home

his father.

his

to his family,

maybe something was "wrong"

mother actually said about

his father is as

unclear to him as to us; he was responding to innuendo, tone of voice,

what was unsaid about his father as much as what was

said.

His mother may have expressed some hidden sexual frustration or the envy and resentment of a wife his friends

who

felt

her husband was putting

above his marriage. Yet the outcome

what happens

to

many sons

is illustrative

in traditional marriages:

of

They learn

about their fathers through their mothers, absorbing a distorted

image of their fathers and of masculinity. Children often become ideal or surrogate partners for their parents.

Many

sons have become more perfect "husbands" for moth-

ers frustrated by their husbands, particularly

once their

frustra-

were given voice by the reemerging women's movement of the 1960s. Sons become uncomfortable allies of their mothers in the

tions

parental struggle with family roles and marital power. Yet

we must

always attend to the son's misinterpretation and fantasy about what

happened, rather than place "fault"

37

at

one person's doorstep.

FINDING OUR FATHERS

—

The undercurrent of male vulnerability the sense that something was wrong with the father that could never be discussed which the son absorbs

in his

childhood family, can make male

vulnerability a taboo topic for adult sons. to the to

Our

fathers, according

myth, were successful and powerful in the real world. But

us at

home

they seemed needy and vulnerable in a way that

could not be talked about. That wounded father in our own history

makes the

entire topic of

male vulnerability seem dangerous.

carry around a secret sense of our father as having been

—

We

weak and

we are the cause do we perhaps suffer from same disease? We aren't comfortable with other men's emotional neediness and vulnerability, because it reminds us of the father we could never help or of our own neediness, to which we were abandoned by our father. As they grow older, many men have uncomfortable memories of their fathers' aging. Seeing their fathers never come to terms with getting older, with the loss of power and potency, many men are terrified that the same fate will befall them the strange midlife and later adulthood behavior of men who try to deny their aging, who try desperately to hold onto a brittle sense of power, can often be traced to feelings they have about how their fathers dealt with their own aging. Or becoming a parent may tap this. One man told me about the difficulty he had in coming home and just playing with his kids, needy, and perhaps

the

—

what psychologists refer

to as "adaptively regressing,"

by referring

scornfully to his father as being "just like the fourth baby in our

He was determined to avoid that fate, even if it meant up the capacity to enter freely into his children's world. One wonders about the wounded father awaiting his children. As the house."

giving

poet Wallace Stevens said,

"it

ment/For another, as the son's

may be

life for

that

in

too uncomfortable a place for

which our father never

seeming heroic outside

to

life is

the father's."

Because of the secret weakness of our

become

one

a punish-

12

fathers, the family

many grown

may

sons, an arena

mastered things. He went from seeming sad and vulnerable in the

really

38

Unspoken Debts

home. Not only do grown sons struggle with a sense of not knowing to behave as full men in the family, but also there is an emo-

how

shadow over the family

tional

weak, needy It is

to

little

—

it

is

easy to underestimate the magical powers that

women. They are the masters

early experiencing of mother. If

men

women have

weakness, a determination

to

men

attribute

of the interpersonal, feeling world

men's unconscious, as our experience of

in

men become

a place where

boys.

to

women

is

rooted in

the power to reduce

avoid being vulnerable to

ones wife can form. As the family becomes more complex, with marriage and the arrival of children, a man may feel uncomfortably caught among nameless fears. One thirty-five-year-old psychiatrist talked openly of "coming home after work, walking in the front door, and being actually scared of the back part of the house, the

my wife cooking and kids playing; it up and swallow me, like an engulfing mother." The traditional family pattern may result in wounded images of mother and women, just as of father and masculinity. As kitchen where

felt

like

the

little

it

I

could hear

would

rise

boy may come

to

dread father's apparent secret weakness,

he may too fear mother's secret power.

As ciful

the bank executive with the mother he perceived as unmer-

reminds us, men who grew up with weak fathers and strong

mothers may interpret the mother-father dynamic

women

are dangerous, castrating, and destructive.

be seen as life-giving in comparison

mean that Mother may not to

to father's aloofness,

and the

may not be drawn to feminine qualities. Rather, the son may come to fear what he sees as the feminine wish to destroy men, to make them weak, needy, and helpless. The son may then blame son

the mother for the sense of loss he feels at his father's absence or

may

see his father as a helpless victim, too "good" or "moral" to

fight

back against what the son may interpret as the woman's

pushy, unfair wish to dominate her husband.

may need

to

dominate their wives,

to

As

adults such

tame them,

to

men

disarm them

before they can wreak their power in the home. In such marriages the husband will often treat the wife almost as a

39

little girl,

empha-

FINDING OUR FATHERS

sizing her vulnerabilities to his

and need

to

be taken care

of, in

contrast

real-world competence, forcefulness, and independence.

The Angry Father Many men father.

We

carry around within themselves an angry or judgmental

We

our fathers to be disappointed in us.

feel

male authorities as easily provoked

to wrath,

imagine

and male authority

itself may seem basically wrathful or violent. The angry father theme reflects the tension between fathers and sons growing up, the way that they are rivals to each other, with little opportunity to

heal their connection.

For some flect

wounded told

men

the sense of father as angry and hostile

may

re-

the son's fantasy of being responsible for having hurt or the father.

me he

her husband." father.

The angry chemist quoted above,

sometimes that

felt

He

felt, in

"I

other words, as

The brooding presence

flected the anger

for

example,

had married my mother, if

was

I

he had replaced his

of the father he experienced re-

he feared from his father

for that act of betrayal.

Others feel they were rejected by or had themselves rejected their fathers.

A

painter, about forty-five years old

and now

di-

vorced (as his parents were), offers an extreme version of the fear-

some sense

of betrayal

men may

carry into adult

life:

"When I was about seven I was very close to my mother. It was my birthday and I had come home expecting my father, and he wasn't there. He was supposed to bring presents, so we were all disappointed.

We

lived in an isolated place.

heat, the oil ran out,

It

was

and my father hadn't paid the

winter. bill.

The

His ab-

sence was very pronounced. "I felt a lot of hatred toward him, a lot of disappointment. I

wished that day that he would never come back.

up

that night;

tried to

make

he wasn't there the next morning the most of

it.

In a

40

way she was

He

either.

And

didn't turn

My

mother

secretly pleased,

Unspoken Debts

which

the radio that

He

ice storm. It

And

colluded with.

I

my

we heard over

later in the afternoon

had had an automobile accident during an

father

broke a hip and was in traction for several months.

was quite a scene seeing him totally immobilized in the hospital. me it was as if I had magically done this. Such guilt, and my

For

my

fear of

We

father later on as

I

was growing up."

unconsciously imagine that father

will get

even with us for

our betrayal of him. The painter feared his father and began making

up

fairy tales to explain his father's increasing

the disharmonious marriage:

The

great

man

(a

long business trips, accomplishing great deeds.

absence from

banker) was

And

here

is

off

on

a son

s

home may be a disaster, but work pro13 a redeeming sense of greatness. And like father, like son.

typical defense: For father

vides

Yet the

He

unhappy painter provides a clue

to father-son

dynamics:

says he fears his father's power, yet gets closer to his truth

when he

reveals

it

his

is

own power

Speaking of the accident he says,

and that also made

me

that is

"I felt

I

most frightening.

had done

very frightened of myself.

know, guilty in terms of

my

My

that to

him

powers, you

collusion with mother."

That unfinished business with parents haunted this

man

in his

own marriage, as he struggled with the power of his wife to deceive and seduce him away from his "manly" struggle and felt like a little

boy himself, judged harshly by the father he carried around

in his

own mind. Trying

as a father and husband to please the manly lineage he hardly knew, afraid of "colluding" too

father, the

much

with his wife-mother, he did not

and honestly with his wife, who seemed

Here

is

a

man who was

left

over from father. In a way he

power over

his father,

have

to

all

deal strongly

the power.

who won mother

too strong for father, he

had the

even though he experienced fear of the op-

would get even. Many men idealize their make them bigger than life, because they once felt too for their own good and now imagine a father who will punish

fathers,

them

to

alone with mother, felt

posite: that his father

strong

know how

for their sins.

41

FINDING OUR FATHERS

The Fierce Tears of Our Fathers Yet

it

isn't just their

often a son

may

own aggression own

that sons are experiencing;

intuit his fathers

real,

hidden anger. Many of

Many

our fathers were not very happy men.

them were

of

secretly

angry and depressed, feeling considerable rage and depression the traditional bargain they had

consigned

their families,

struck this bargain, which

were powerless

to

to the public

seemed

told

me

at

with their wives, exiled from

world of work. Having

entirely natural

change, many men's fathers

man who

the bitter

made

felt

and which they entrapped, like

he could be either a lover or a provider,

but not both:

"A

person's a responsible husband, he goes to work.

keeps his nose

to the grindstone,

one choice.

that the

If

he

is

from

— married

a person

tremendous love that he had

married her should go on and on that. In other

He

.

.

he works and works so that his

children can have clothing and food and shelter and that's

.

.

.

.

all that.

or not

— who

woman

for the

And feels

before he

then he can't take time off

words, there's a division of energy and labor,

so that either you cultivate the role of lover or cultivate the role of provider, but I

it

has to be one or the other. In

had a choice.

I

was brought up

to

my

case

never knew

I

be responsible,

to

be the

provider."

His anger and sense of loss erupt when he

bitterly relates that

he never knew his children except as objects: "I'd look

at

my

kids

somebody to be loved and cuddled and played with. I'd look at a kid as somebody to be examined to make sure the kid's not sick. You make sure the kid's not doing anything dangerous. The kids always tell me there was an insurmountable wall. I felt not as

.

that they

A

were

I

.

of all a responsibility."

sixty-year-old writer, a successful father of four, admitted:

"Of course

made

first

.

with

I

was depressed,

my

worked hard

I

really

was furious

wife, that she provided comfort in the outside world.

42

at the deal

I

had

and security while

But how could

I

get angry at

Unspoken Debts

her

—

was the deal

that

life for

your family.

all

When

men make, you work

hard, give up your

you're angry with no place to go with

it,

you get depressed."

many men today who

Clearly

home

more time

are trying to spend

at

are responding to a sense that their fathers missed out on a

valuable experience of intimacy and nurturing. Yet what of that

anger and depression our fathers

and

well,

it

We

made. fathers

it

becomes the

That

is

inside

many

of us as

which we imagine masculinity

creates conflict, particularly

Many new

is

when we become

when we want

fathers' conflicts

to involve

around parent-

becoming the angry father they carry around who said that whenever he disci-

the fear of

lie in

in their

felt?

introject that version of fathers, so that

ourselves in the family.

hood

stuff of

heads, like the father

plined his kids he heard the angry voice of authority screaming

"No!"

at

them.

There may be a kind of intergenerational revenge here, with

some men acting out

their fathers'

children, even as these grown

husbands and

The lack is

men

hidden rage

wives and more nurturant

at their

are trying to be

fathers.

of a fuller emotional repertoire between father

often taken to

mean

that as sons get older they lack

of emotional accessibility.

Thus men

will

and son

male models

speak of having

to "in-

vent" themselves as participating fathers or husbands. Yet that

misses the more important point: The lack of a tional repertoire also

fathers

that

we

can't

fuller, richer emowork things out with our

and therefore carry around within us as adults a conflicted

image of

Our

means

father.

fathers perhaps secretly feared us too.

between fathers and son

is

underestimated.

The ambivalent It is

love

the dark side of

much of male someday outdistance Dad. We become ambivalent objects, loved and feared by our fathers. Indeed, as we are learning more about fathers and children, researchers have proposed the phrase "Laius complex" to refer to the high value boys are given in our society. Since so identity is

based on performance, sons

43

will

FINDING OUR FATHERS

him move

the father's feeling of threat from the son and need to put

down. King Laius

in the

Oedipus drama haughtily refused

to

aside on the road for his son, precipitating the fateful slaying.

A

may

son

As

ways.

the son

becomes a man, the

must recognize his

father

own

aging, a thought captured powerfully in Donald Hall's

"My

Son,

My

poem

Executioner." 15

may

Fathers and sons

find

it

much

easier to display anger and

each other than caring and

hostility to

14

represent a father's mortality in very uncomfortable

affection, given the son's

conflicting pull to mother, the father's sense of being displaced

jealousy of his son, and the limited opportunities for

men

and

in the

family to express a range of feeling to each other.

A

thirty-three-year-old

"feeling

come

I

could scare

closer."

From

my

male graduate student remembered father

away but

I

couldn't

make him

the father's point of view, a patient bitterly told

of the time his father said to him, almost as an admission: "I didn't

know

could be both your friend and your father when you were

I

growing up." Some

men may have

fears of hurting their fathers

with their aggression, like the painter quoted above, and as

if

destroy their fathers. ally destructive, of

sins

feel

may come a sense of being personmake up as an adult for unnamed

From

that

having

to

committed while growing up.

The son may

The same away revealed a few moments

feel a terror of his father's rage as well.

man who

said he could scare father

later that

he was himself scared away: "I could

my

may

they are carrying around inside of them a rebellion that could

test the limits

mother, push too far with her, but not with

too far

made him

look like he'd

kill

me.

I

have

my

a kid of father losing his control, looking enraged, face, even a few times chasing

me around

father

lots of

—

with

going

memories as

all

red in the

the house." So adoles-

cent rebellion and the normal separation struggles of growing up

can become mixed to

in with violence

and aggression.

And

indeed,

many men denied

keep

in tight

emotional control, for when their feeling

through

it

is

a true language of intimacy have

overwhelming. So father

44

is

life

breaks

indeed either too strong or

Unspoken Debts

Two personas are combined in the same person: powerful and vulnerable. Our fear is of hurting him or being hurt by him. Those two themes are acted out over and over again in the adult life of men: the search for and rejection of our fathers. We want redemption and want to destroy them; as one man joked, "We want our fathers and to eat them too." too weak.

The Mother's Role Let's return to mother's role in the family, since

we cannot under-

stand the broken connection between fathers and sons without also

considering mother. Since mother

is

often at the center of the fam-

communication pattern, sons and fathers often have

ily

to act out

their struggles indirectly or symbolically, rather than confronting

or connecting with each other directly.

A

savvy older

woman defended

to

me

her role as the talker, the

emotional switchboard in her family. "Dinner would get very quiet if I

didn't say anything. All there

was was

talk of the activity of the

day around the dinner table. Not a feeling between anyone

in the

room was mentioned until I opened my mouth." It's easy to blame mother. I felt rage when I realized how much my mother got between my father and myself. But we all operate under conflicting pressures and divided loyalties. Many mothers may have been trying in all goodwill to "protect" husbands who they feared would drop dead of a coronary at the pace they were

who revealed

going or

to

them

in the privacy of the

bedroom or

acted out at the dinner table their inability to deal with their

own

kids.

The mother

result of the is

more open communication between son and may have a better, earlier chance to work

that the son

out separation issues with her than with his father. Studies of high

school youth by Wright and Keple, for example, found that boys often view their fathers as "helpful in a utilitarian sense" but

"lacking significant personal and emotional involvement."

45

16

In

FINDING OUR FATHERS

sharp contrast to their views of fathers, Wright and Keple found that the teens

viewed their relationship with their mothers as more

supportive, unique, and irreplaceable.

One wonders what would happen

if

fathers played a

more

salient

affective-expressive role during their sons' early developmental years, particularly before age five. Perhaps by adolescence fathers

cannot play such a role, the tension between the generations being too strong. In the past within

many

cultures there have been social

rituals that initiate the teen into the

group of men, giving him the

blessing of the elders. Within Orthodox Judaism the bar mitzvah

served this function. Such rituals and rites defuse the intensity of the individual father-son relationship, providing both parties with

what they so desperately need: a blessing from the male community,

a welcome from fathers to their sons, and a thank-you from

the sons to the fathers; a ritual purging of the tension and betrayals of growing

up male.

The Impossible Wish I

to

Be a Good Son

have the impression that today the wish for forgiveness and rec-

onciliation with father often goes unmet. Within the family fathers

cannot communicate a sense of benevolent masculinity to their sons,

and culturally we have distorted

ceremonies. The

rites of

passage

social rituals

common

to

men

and young adulthood today involve joining such

and

in

initiation

adolescence

institutions as the

army, football teams, medical schools, and large corporations.

Those

institutions play

upon the young man's wish

for

an idealized

way to live up and be a good son. An embittered Vietnam vet, reflecting back years later on his difficult combat stint in the Marines, felt he owed the Corps one thing: It earned him the recognition and love of his father. He recalled: "My father and I never had any relationship. He wasn't a bad man. He just didn't show his emotions. He was at work the father to love him, offering an exaggeratedly masculine

46

Unspoken Debts

day

I

came home from boot camp.

where he was. something

I

was the

It

my

did in

said, 'you're a man.'

I

first

entire

life.

wore

I

time

my

uniform and went

ever saw

I

He

my

to

father smile at

actually turned around

and

was 21 years old." 17

Within the family, perhaps, the kind of fighting that leads

and sons doesn't happen;

reconciliation between fathers

have been short-circuited for

my

it

to

may

generation, projected onto the

social screen of antiwar protest rather than entered into with our

individual fathers.

The image

hibits real struggle

and

of separating that

of father as too weak/too strong in-

fighting

between father and son, the kind

may happen between mother and son

precisely

because, by adolescence, distance and aggression between them

As

are less frightening. test the limits

with

my

the graduate student said, "I could always

mother, but not

my

father."

He went on

to

describe feeling his father's hate in ways that he never experienced with mother.

he could do

When my Father

"My it

in

would

father

such a

father withdrew

may be seen

really

rigid way, a it

felt like

withdraw his love.

way

that

my mother

I felt

that

couldn't.

he might never come back."

as secretly furious and full of rage at a son

who defies him, ready to explode at any minute, or he may seem wounded and hurt, too good to get angry but secretly terribly disappointed. In that way fathers become our superego, critically judging us for letting them down. If mothers become life-giving earth in the unconscious of men, then fathers become wrathful, judgmental gods.

Given the seeming impossibility of resolving the broken connection with their fathers,

many men will go in search of fatherAs we'll see in Chapter 2, we try to

surrogates to reassure them.

work things out or tors.

For

men

be worked out.

to

continue the dialogue with fathers with men-

the family

We

becomes the arena where things cannot to work, and at work we uncon-

must move on

sciously seek to resolve unfinished business with father. Since rebellions can't be

worked out

at their source,

where.

47

they are taken else-

FINDING OUR FATHERS

What do love

and

to

not go

homage

silent

away are the sons' wishes

be good sons

at last. In the past

many men,

given the women's

The distance and longing

in

men

reassured by a

to their fathers,

paterfamilias, success at work. That

his

to obtain their fathers'

is

could strive for a

life that

looked like

no longer possible

movement and other

for

social changes.

men's feelings for their fathers lead us

pay back an unspoken debt,

to try surreptitiously to live up, to

a word to be a good son, finally, at the very

same time

as

in

we

we be truly different from our fathers. We are missing a fundamental dilemma of the times if we don't pay attention to the fact that the women's movement intensifies men's sadness and terror at the loss of their fathers. Many men I've talked with who grew up in the 1950s and 1960s were drawn to their mothers. The women's movement had begun to take off, and there was a general sense of optimism about women, a sense of confront social

demands

that

strength and vitality that contrasted with the stolidity of our fathers.

As a

result

many men have grown up

with a guilty sense of

collusion with mother and rejection of father, which lends an tional undercurrent to adult rate

male-female skirmishes: To collabo-

and work with wife means

movement,

in asking

men

emo-

to leave

Dad. Perhaps the women's

to take a larger part in

the family,

touches on men's worst fantasies, that they will ally themselves with mother after

all

and abandon father entirely

—

that they will

have no fathers. Still

on the subject of social-historical context,

I'd like to offer

men of men talk about coming of age me that our fathers' degradation

a speculation about a deeper historical twist to the lives of the 1960s generation. Listening to

during the 1960s in

it

often

seems

to

our eyes became mixed in with the Vietnam struggle, confirming

many men an undercurrent of masculine evil. Many sons were drawn to the women's movement in one form or another because it for

seemed

to

express concerns about justice, caring, and morality

that our fathers just stonewalled.

18

48

Unspoken Debts

The Wish for Odysseus My

purpose in this chapter

is

not to lament all the complications

in the father— son relationship but rather to heal the

wounded

emphasize men's need

to

As in so many aspects of men's we have overemphasized the role of

father within.

bonds with those they

love,

separation and paid not enough attention to connectedness.

There

is

a note of Greek tragedy in men's relationship with their

The

Odyssey captures the familiar Oedipal drama. more wishes of both men When the great warrior King Odysseus returns from more than a decade of wandering, he and the princely Telemachus hardly know fathers.

great recognition scene in the

better than the

each other. In a stunning moment the unconquerable warrior

re-

veals himself to his teenage son:

"I

am

that father

pain for lack

of.

whom your boyhood lacked and suffered This is not princely to be I am he. .

swept away by wonder

Odysseus

will ever

Throwing

his

chus began

to

at

.

.

your father's presence. No other

come,

arms around

for

he and

this

I

are one, the same.

marvel of a father, Telema-

weep. Salt tears rose from the wells of long-

ing in both men, and cries burst from both as keen and fluttering as those of the great taloned

lings farmers take before they

fly.

hawk, whose nest-

So helplessly they cried

pouring out tears, and might have gone on weeping

till

sundown. 19

The

wells of longing in both men.

The Odysseus myth

points to

a deep yearning for each other in both father and son, and

it

con-

tains a lesson for our times.

many men Telemachus spent his childhood among women. like many of us his father was off fighting distant wars; great man was a legend and a rumor to his son's ears. In the

Like

He was the

—

49

FINDING OUR FATHERS

saga Telemachus faces a great problem. Having

left to fight in

the

Trojan wars Odysseus' ship disappears on the return voyage; most

kingdom assumes he

of his

is

dead. So a large band of vile suitors

has gathered in the city intent on marrying his Queen Penelope

and usurping the kingdom. On the edge of manhood, young Telemachus hardly knows how to defend his mother from the threat. It is

the miraculous return of his father that propels Telemachus into

a confident and strong sense of manhood. Is

a

the task not the

man

father

to

same

grow up he must

— he must

for

men

find the

today? The message

good and the strong

find the heroic in the figure

alternative is to be

is

that for

in his

own

he hardly knew. The

vile, degraded images of manwho threaten the kingdom. Odyssey may be misinterpreted: Odysseus

dominated by

hood, represented by the suitors

The ending

of the

and Telemachus together go out and slay the battle.

Ones

first

reaction

is,

"Oh,

great!

It's

suitors in a bloody

the

same

old story,

father teaches son to be brutal. Football coaches can do as good a

job!" But the real truth

how

to

Today the

We

is

metaphoric. Odysseus shows his son

man and gives him confidence in his own strength. task for men may seem different, but it's really the same.

be a

need the father who helps us define masculine strength

in a

changing world, what Robert Bly has called "the moist father," strong and caring. 20

Our

struggles lie in the family, with our wives,

children, friends, and co-workers. Yet the task to

be a strong and present

We

man

have grown up thinking of Oedipal

and son, the guilty wish

to

the same:

is

how

in new, unfamiliar situations.

rivalry

between father

surpass the father, but

we need

also

attend to the Odysseus theme, the wish to be like father, to find a father, a sturdy

man we can

rely on.

Consider a modern-day recognition scene. At the end of Death of a Salesman

Biff,

common ground

the eldest son of Willy

kitchen. Biff, taller than his father, leans

who

Loman, searches

for a

of feeling with his father late at night in the family

down and hugs

Willy,

is seated kinglike against all sense of failure, in his chair.

Crying and lamenting, Biff poignantly reaches out

50

to Willy,

and

— Unspoken Debts

his father sits there stolidly, perplexed, shrugging his shoulders at his wife

doesn't

(who

hug

will later try to "explain" things to Biff),

and he

back.

Here there

is

no healing, no reconciliation between father and

son. Willy, unable to tolerate his

own sense

of failure, will soon

die in a car accident suicide while Biff remains fated to spin out a

own payment for his father's. me that we cannot really develop a new, satisfying sense of masculinity until we have also accepted and come to terms with how we learned what it meant to be male and female in large part from our fathers and mothers. Until a man "names his father," sees him clearly, and accepts him for who he is and was, it is that much more difficult for him to grow up himself and become a father to his children, a husband to a wife, or a mentor life

that is

It

its

seems

to the

to

younger generation

healing the

wounded

at

work. That

father within.

51

is

every man's task of

Dealing with Authority:

Mentors and Fathers

JL'm always looking for father figures the film director says to forty-two years old

and

me

—

they're very reassuring,"

confidingly, with a wry smile.

in the

He

is

middle stages of what has become a

promising career.

Who

have been the father figures in his

He mentions

my own He tells me of a

often wished he at

work

too."

his wife's father.

for for

many

know.

He had

was

years.

"My

father.

him now, which

is

man he worked me a lot of what I

prominent director, a taught

me." The man's voice

bering something painful. "Of course, for

—

But you know, you find them

"He encouraged me,

faith in

life?

father-in-law for sure

odd, because

52

I

I

trails off, as if

remem-

couldn't go back to work

could use some work

at this

Dealing with Authority

point.

But things have never been the same since

ago. Just the same, though, he

A

mentor

was

my

five

I left,

years

mentor."

a more senior, usually older, person in the world of

is

work who serves a transitional function

for the

young person, help-

become established in the adult world of work yet also nurturing his own special values and beliefs. More people think ing

him

to

they have mentors than actually do in the true sense of the term: a close nurturing relationship between old and young in the work

world. Given the nature of the workplace, the mentor

is

usually a

male, particularly for men.

The mentor serves very important, healthy functions

in helping

the younger person mature into adulthood. Dr. George Vaillant has

examined

in

detail

the lives of successful

men from

college

through later adulthood in what has come to be called the Grant Study.

He

found the presence of mentors central

to

men's career

success and to their maturation as people. "The new role model of the late twenties and early thirties

seemed associated with the ac-

quisition of solid career identification."

1

Men

with relatively un-

successful careers either had not discovered mentors until their early forties or

The mentee,

had mentors only too, serves

in adolescence.

an essential function

for the mentor:

nurturing the younger person, the mentor keeps alive his

own

By

val-

ues and hopes, which helps him deal with his mortality and allows

him

men

to

many

develop more "generative" parts of himself. Indeed,

find that the

some

mentoring relationship

at

work allows them

to

wounds of parenting; feeling frustrated with their own children, some men turn to their younger colleagues as "surheal

of the

rogate sons."

Daniel Levinson, one of the most careful students of the mentoring relationship, writes that "the

mentor relationship

the most complex, and developmentally important, a

is

one of

man can have

in early adulthood."

He

search: "Mentoring

best understood as a love relationship.

is

reports an intriguing fact from his re.

.

.

Most often ... an intense mentor relationship ends with strong conflict and bad feelings on both sides." 2

53

FINDING OUR FATHERS

The mentoring relationship suffers from the same deficiencies and stresses as other male relationships, particularly those of father and son. Notwithstanding

men

positive aspects,

its

often act

out in the mentoring relationship unfinished conflicts with their

own

and

fathers

families.

And

often the "socializing" that occurs

within the relationship serves merely to reinforce the instrumental

and

oppressed side of men. Some mentors can be uncon-

silently

sciously destructive of their charges, and

mand an

some mentees can de-

unattainable or inappropriate love from the mentor, which

also interferes with their work. In this chapter

I

shall explore

of the darker sides of the mentoring relationship

and

some

their roots in

the tensions of the father—son relationship.

The Father Hunger

in

Men

Unsure of their own fathers some men search

more senior which is usually of the brittle, instrumental sort that emphasizes career achievement and public demonstrations of power and strength. Such identities may lead to a withering of the man's capacity to tolerate his own more receptive, less public, or less action-

men who

will help

them

solidify a fragile

for older,

masculine

identity,

oriented sides.

A

powerful mentor

men have love

may speak

to the

hunger vulnerable young

whom we can whom your boy-

for a strong, all-accepting father-hero,

and revere unambivalently.

"I

hood lacked and suffered pain

am

that father

for lack of," said

Odysseus

to

Telemachus.

George Vaillant mentions only

in passing a striking finding

from

the Grant Study. Looking back at age forty-seven, the successful

businessmen, scientists, and academics he interviewed had

for-

gotten or denied the key role models and ego ideals they had identified

with in adolescence. Those figures were replaced by the

mentor.

He

reports a startling statistic: "However, while acknowl-

edging that their mentors were often 'father

figures,' the

men

took

care to differentiate these mentors of adulthood from their real

54

Dealing with Authority

more than ninety -five percent of cases, fathers were either mentioned as people who were

fathers. In

cited as negative examples or were

not influences."* For

many young men mentors

better fathers they yearn

become

truly

the

for.

The mentor-father connection

exemplified by a lawyer, a

is

physically powerful former basketball

star,

who has carved

out a

role for himself as the executive assistant or "chief troubleshooter" for the

CEO

of a large

bank

in the Pacific Northwest.

adulthood with a sense of father as weak and mother

and needing an arena found the

man he

ficer of his

in

which

to

own

express his

Coming

into

as. too strong

aggression, he

identifies as his mentor, the chief executive of-

company. While explaining his complex and demand-

ing duties to me, he switches from the language of the boardroom

basketball court, referring to a

to that of the

one player screens

open shot can get

off

an opponent

at the basket:

off a

good shot."

"Basically

He

The drama he

fray,

now doing

is

ability to

my

boss so he

make

decisions while

that of the angry "protector"

is

and shielding him from the

his duty

aggression of the corporation.

mentor

set picks for

I

buffered by his younger associate.

acting out at work

is

for his boss-father,

play where

describes his boss in idealized ways,

emphasizing his gentleness and standing apart from the

common

provide a teammate with an

to

Much

of this relationship with his

rooted in dynamics between himself, his mother, and his

father.

He

sees his father as "puzzling," a

man who modeled an

cepting, passive and non-violent approach to

me

ways cautioned

school yard") but

not to fight back

a

lot

onto him").

when kids

who seemed dominated by

stood up to anyone, particularly not

He

life

my

his

("My father

al-

got rough in the

mother ("He never

mother, and she

relishes his childhood

ac-

memory

dumped

of the one time

his father did assert himself with his mother, during a family drive in the country:

"He was

driving.

bitching about everything.

My

My mother was

going on and on,

father turned to her

and said

'be

She shut up immediately." With a mournful tone he concludes the story: "That's the only time that ever happened." The quiet.'

55

FINDING OUR FATHERS

lawyer remembers his adolescence with some shame, recounting

angry acts of rebellion that seemed to his description of his role in the

creating a resolution for his

mentors

As

to hurt his father.

bank,

I

wondered

own family drama.

if

I

listened

he was now

In the role of his

he now saves his father from his mother,

assistant,

while doing penance for the aggression he

felt

the

all

toward that "re-

markably peaceful" man.

As he

down

sits

for

our

first

interview, this lawyer presents his

agenda: "I've taken the time for this because

you

may

I

learn something

new about

I

hope

in talking with

As we

myself."

finish

our

long, very enjoyable conversations he ends with a question to me:

"You are a psychologist. little

Why

for himself, so little for

do you think

me?" He

left

my father stood up so me with the distinct

impression that this was the question he wanted, and feared, to

ask his own father. For other men, authorities become the objects of their anger at their fathers.

Our ambivalence can swing

in either direction: to-

ward loving mentors too much or toward too much hatred of them.

One lawyer could

not talk of several older partners in his firm

without slipping in references to "these clowns

was the very same men who had voted him

man

goodwill this

to

work

into the firm

for."

Yet

it

and whose

so desperately sought. Yet they, like his father,

were figures he could not escape from; they had

The Wish

I

to

be degraded.

Be a Good Son During a Time of

Social Change In a time of changing sex roles

of the future. that

it

is

We

want them

we

look to our mentors for a vision

to testify that the future

can work

possible to age healthily as a man, with integrity and

strength. Mentors, after all,

know us

in

some ways

better than our

They understand more of what the work part of our life is like, the special demands and peculiarities our unique career demand of us, and they understand more of the special characteriswhich partners in a law firm will look tics of our work situation fathers.

—

56

Dealing with Authority

askance or with approval the grant situation

is

at this or that

like in our field,

approach

how

tenure case in the university, and so on. sion of

them

skills are

at

to deal

We

to a case,

what

with a delicate

see an idealized ver-

work, where cognitive, rational, and certain social

emphasized.

we want them to give a seal of approval to a changed work—family balance. Men coming out of the 1960s may be searching for different resolutions to the same work—family pressures mentors struggled with in the 1940s or 1950s (whether to commit to achievement over family, how to make a greater place Often, too,

in life for children, or wife's career)

how much

sacrificing

and may be resolving them

he should do

differently.

for his

The younger

man needs some seal of approval from the mentor for different may not be able to ask for or get it. The older and younger man may speak different languages about work and famchoices yet

about feelings and emotions in a man's life. Here are two examples. The first involves a dual-career couple

ily,

facing a

new kind

difficult

moral challenge. In each case the

crucial,

somber

role.

"Do

Have

to

I

of career decision, the second a lawyer facing a

Be

as Ruthless as

mans mentor

plays a

My Teachers?"

show me how to be a surgeon in to my work to the exclusion of everything else, inattentive to other people's feelings and needs, and willing to ruthlessly climb the ladder of success." The young physician stopped and thought for a moment, then plunged on: "I feel like there are

the old

mold

mentors

to

— completely dedicated

"But there aren't mentors, or can help

me become

at least

I

haven't found them,

who

a feeling, powerful man, as well as physi-

cian."

A

physician and his wife, studying to be a doctor also, are talk-

ing in the living

room of

their Brooklyn apartment about a trau-

matic recent experience. He's a cardiologist and has just finished

57

FINDING OUR FATHERS

his residency at a prestigious at

—

what he does

man

hospital, a

New

York hospital. He's very good

so good in fact that the chief surgeon in the

with an international reputation in heart surgery,

him a plum: the chief residents

offered

position in the cardiology

department of the hospital. "That job was the

wanted lot to

it,

me

"The in

my

first

prize in the race," he laughed.

not for the salary so

—

much

as the prestige.

I've gotten very close to the

he offered

fact

it

to

me

work." His voice trailed

felt like

as

off,

if

It

"We

all

means a

Chief of Surgery.

such a vote of confidence the

wound from what hap-

pened next had not healed. His wife, a few years younger, broke

in:

messed up the works, Eric," she said ironically. "No, no, Beth," her husband interjected with a wave of his hand, but she seemed not to notice his attempted reassurance. "I'm finishing up medical school this year and have decided to "Except

I

focus on a subspeciality called pediatric cardiology. I'm particularly interested in

microsurgery with seriously

ill

newborns;

it's

a

very exciting field with the possibility of saving babies that years

ago had no chance of survival.

"Anyway, the place that's

for training in this field is

where the best work

is

And

being done.

Washington

last

month

I

was

offered a great residency at one of the primo teaching hospitals

down

there."

Now what were in

one

city,

they going to do?

He was

offered a prize position

she was offered one in another. The talented couple

faced a dilemma not

uncommon

these days in marriages where

both husband and wife work: Their careers were leading them toward a geographic split. Weekends together, weekdays apart. Two

apartments.

"We

felt like

we'd have

to sell

our car and buy the

Eastern Shuttle." Eric described what happened next:

"We decided

that

Beth had made

career over the years, and get her going in her career.

all

now she had It felt

58

like

it

these sacrifices for

this offer that

was

my

could really

truly her turn."

Dealing with Authority

"So

looked into a possible good position with the National

I

—

plum

Institutes of

Health in Washington

York, but

would be good enough. But we're

it

not a

meant giving up the chief residency

like here in still

my work

position,

New

not sure

—

with

it

my

mentor, in effect putting Beth's career ahead of mine for awhile. Last month

my

in to see

for so long.

I

department chief,

wanted

this

man

I've

share the situation with him.

to

him what we were thinking

told

I

went

I

worked with

of doing, asked

him what he

thought, and said that I'd need letters of recommendation from

him." Later that

same day

and gave him a

reply.

mentor called him back into his

his

"He

told

me

was withdrawn because obviously

office

that the chief resident's offer

I

wasn't 100 percent into

my

work." After a sip of his tea, Eric continued with some bitterness to say,

"He

hardly said anything at

he thought of our decision. I

had

all

as

it

my

about

my

marriage or what proves a feeling

through medical school: Don't talk to other people about

your feelings and indecision."

make

all

Isn't that great? It just

up

to the top in

teachers

seem

to

He posed

medicine, do

I

a frightful question: "To

have

to

become

as ruthless

be?"

men these days. I feel I have women even in medical men do." Beth may have been optimis-

Beth said sadly, "I feel sorry for

—

mentors of powerful and nurturing school tic.

— but

I

don't think

The demands

women have had

and the compromises senior toll on her ability truly to wonder if the younger men who now

of institutions

make may

to

take their

combine power and caring. I may be drawn to senior women as mentors nurturant models.

and caring mean

What does

for the

to feel, or are they

will find in

them more

the lack of male models of power

development of these men? Do they come

seen as, in some way deviant or "feminine,

Mama's good little boy"? Eric's mother happened

to

be visiting on one of the afternoons

I

spent with the two physicians. She heard part of the conversation I

had with her son and daughter-in-law and

with

me

alone, adding a

new dimension

59

later in the

to the

day spoke

mentor-father dy-

FINDING OUR FATHERS

namics we had been talking about. Sixty years old, a professor of English in the Midwest, she spoke earnestly about her son and shed

light

on his unfinished business with his

father.

She had

heard what happened with her son's mentor and was able

to give

voice to a side of the experience denied to her son. She spoke

men have

impatiently: "All right, these older to

have their feelings, they don't know how

"But I'm worried about the

effect

never been allowed

to nurture.

on Eric. He's taking that

re-

wonder if he won't decide to stay there is a part of him that truly wants to live up, in New York that wants to be the best, and will do anything to live up to that ideal. That's why Attila the Hun's reaction at the hospital hurt him as if he wasn't living up." so much. It was a rebuke

jection harder than

it

—

appears.

I

—

After a brief puff on her cigarette, she divulged the family dy-

namics underneath the mentor relationship. "Eric feels such an obligation to his father, that's what's going

on here.

He

wants

to

show him how good he can be. But he's done They had such a terrible time when

enough, he's a good son.

.

.

.

Eric was in college."

She described

Eric's participation in the

Columbia University and the wedge and son.

father

okay from his

And

"He'd never admit

for his sins. father.

between the two as

Eric's

Midwest, could not understand

father, a professor of biology in the

making up

protest at

had driven between

that this

Bitter accusations flew

his son's rebellion.

1969 antiwar

He seems

But they never

to

but

it,

I

think Eric

is still

want some forgiveness, an

talk.

Eric never seems to get off the hook.

Ever since adolescence.

He

can't get the forgive-

ness he wants from Dad, or from this lousy surrogate

Dad he found

at the hospital."

As

I

listened

boy and his

I

could empathize with Eric's wish

after the brittle rebellion is over, all." It is

having

to

be a good

silent struggle with that harsh internal voice that says,

"You do

it

Dad's way or not

at

a developmental task to get through that voice without

to dissociate

from Dad or the best parts of yourself.

60

Dealing with Authority

mother continued. "I've talked to my husband, trying to get them to talk. I've told Alex that his life is different from Eric's. his father died young and he had Alex didn't have many choices Eric's

—

support the family. So that's what Alex has done

to

been very nurturing

showed

— but he

much

doesn't talk

hard,

to the kids,

he

by giving them baths, he hugs and kisses

his affection

them, but they don't talk much. He's like most ation; his father wasn't there for him, and

much about

— worked

When

feelings.

men

now he

of his gener-

doesn't

know

he looks inside he thinks nothing

is

I'm always the switchboard in the family, trying to hook

there.

people up to each other."

Do What You Have The second example

is

to

Do!

a West Coast lawyer in his mid-thirties

who

has recently started his family. His wife works part time as a music teacher in the Los Angeles school system.

be a success in his demanding

means being able

to take

has taken

his

its toll,

commitment:

Is

hours, and travel?

and the it

He

his reputation

—

the

game

He was

aspect." Yet

arrival of a child has shifted

some

really worth all the confrontation, is

of

long

a senior partner, a status he reached in

part through the patronage of his

made

has worked hard to

charge in the courtroom.

fascinated by "the opportunity to jockey it

He

work. Choosing to become a

which he describes as demanding confronta-

"litigating lawyer," tion,

trial

mentor

and career through

at the firm, a

his

man

who's

knowlege of courtroom

tactics.

This example shows how some

men

unconsciously will turn to

become more receptive, engaged, and caring, reenacting a drama from some point in childhood when they turned similarly to their fathers. As adults we ask our mentors their

mentors

for

permission

to

the most profound questions in the coded language that in

speaking

to

each other;

men

use

logical, rational career questions to

61

FINDING OUR FATHERS

mentors often express profound personal dilemmas

area of

in the

nurturing versus performance.

This engaging, articulate man's thoughts turn to a recent di-

lemma he faced

in the courtroom:

witness of his was lying.

He was

He became convinced

that a

the prosecutor in the case against

an unpopular teenager in town, who was accused of

Some

theft.

seemed unavailable that morning (Who had goods?) had suddenly and miraculously be-

crucial testimony that last

seen the stolen

come

available after the lawyer had shared with town officials his

assessment that they had a weak case without a few minutes

later,

came back

"I

it.

and one of the members of the group

out

said,

'Counselor, I've just remembered,' and then he described to me, in elaborate detail, that

and

it

he had seen

was a very convincing

it

during that period of time,

story."

But there was one problem: "I was absolutely convinced that he

was lying "I

went

had a

lot

me." The lawyer was stunned and confused.

to

pay phone and called

to a

my

senior partner.

of experience in this whole thing.

I

looked

to

.

.

.

him

He for

advice."

And

the advice he got was "to put the

him questions,

he'll

answer as he sees

lawyer in the court to

"From a

know

man on

and

it's

the stand, ask

up

to the

defense

bring out any other aspects of the facts as

they exist and for the court to said, 'You don't

fit,

make

the decision.

My

colleague

he's lying.'

lawyer's point of view,

it's

really

an intellectual prob-

You put the pieces together and make a conclusion that comes out in the end automatically." The advice wasn't terrible advice, but it carried an ominous underlying message: ignore your feelings, ignore your values, and do what you have to do. I wondered if there wasn't a deeper question this man was asking: What do I do with experiences that challenge my values? Can I hold onto myself in my work as a lawyer? Those questions were never discussed between the lawyer and his mentor, and one realem,

it's

like a syllogism almost.

62

Dealing with Authority

may be

son

that the

more emotional, personal themes were

dis-

guised beneath career, task-oriented questions. Just a6 Eric was also asking his chief:

my

ambition

my

to

Can

be an okay doctor

I

mentor could be paraphrased

as:

you must perform on the job as

The lawyer seems

if I

up some of

give

wife? In both cases the coded answer from the

I

"No. To be successful in

have been trained

reports feeling the answer he got

to protest too

much:

"It's drilled into

my eyes,

to do."

was correct, but he

us from the beginning

and the Supreme Court makes a big point of

of law school,

the time, that every citizen, whether

it

this all

be a person or a corporation

or a municipality or whatever, has a right to retain a lawyer to be his

spokesman

system

that.

received.

in court

.

.

."

and

it's

the nature of the Anglo-Saxon legal

And on and on if this man

almost as

It's

in defense of the advice

he

himself was not aware of the

more profound question he was asking or of

his

need

to "live

up"

in the eyes of his senior partner.

The more

I

listened to

relationships, the

more

it

men around age felt

as

if

forty talk of

an important part of

mentoring

life

caused

both participants in the relationship difficulty: the vulnerabilities

manhood, juggling careers and work, the times of indecision to shift the balance away from work and toward self (often even in ways that will ultimately be productive to work), the problems of coming to terms with the rest of life (aging, pressures and opportunities from wife and family), and how men evolve more nurturant, interconnected values and express them at work or outside. The nitty-gritty of men's emotional life, of intimacy, in other words. Those aspects of men's lives we seem to have diffiof

when one wants

culty bringing into our relationship with mentors, just as

we did

with our fathers. Yet they are crucial to the continued growing up of both mentors

A

and mentees.

quite well-established internist in Chicago, for example,

come to terms with the limits of his and the painful reality of mortality. He told of how upset he when patients died despite all his efforts to save them. He

talked about his struggle to

power, got

63

FINDING OUR FATHERS

revealed that he often went to their funerals and found himself

at

times weeping uncontrollably. Shifting uncomfortably in his office chair,

me

he told

that

"sometimes

it

really helps just to talk about

all this."

And

to

whom

does he talk?

"Well, the younger

staff,

junior officers on the service. I'd never

go to more senior physicians, never nerals.

tell

them

does talk

to

go to patients fu-

I

They'd never understand, they'd think

it

was odd." Yet he

younger physicians about his pain, and has been

warded by winning the teacher-of-the-year award school where he is on the faculty. I suspect there between his

at the is

re-

medical

a connection

ability to share his inner experience of the

"hard

questions" of being a doctor and his popularity with the medical students.

For those of us who grew up during the 1960s, the mentoring relationship

may be made more complicated by

the unfinished

baggage from those tumultuous years. Some younger men distrust all seniority,

as

the older generation were corrupt and have no

if

moral lessons or help to provide. So such

men

will not accept

any

"parenting" from mentors. The rebellions and sense of betrayal

between the generations that characterized the years of Vietnam

and Watergate also seem all

to

have

left

some older men

distrusting

youth, feeling that the young only want to change the elegant

and wondrous social fabric of the existing order without replacing it

with anything better. So they will not help "parent" the young in

their efforts to find better solutions than they themselves

were able

to find.

For those of us who came of age during the 1960s, the slogan

"Never

trust

anyone over

lion in society

and

in

thirty" captures the mistrust

our families, which

may

and rebel-

further complicate

mentoring. The tear in the masculine fabric leads the young to desire a healing;

through them,

we want

to

for our fathers.

be good sons

for

our mentors and,

Such an experience, the

feeling of

being a good son for father, can indeed be healing, but the yearning for

it

can also be disastrous when

64

unfulfilled.

Dealing with Authority

Separations and Rejections It

my mentor my own life.

was with

issues in

that

recognized the unfinished father

I first

many men

For

the experience of trying to

separate from their fathers colors their relationship with mentors,

making separation and

components of the men-

rejection critical

tor— mentee dynamic.

actually wasn't all that interested in mentors

I

my

research on men's lives.

I

talked at length to

when

men

I

started

about men-

but that seemed to be more because they wanted to than

tors,

because

Older, more senior

did.

I

younger generation coming of age; ing and unsympathetic

my own

distancing

—

so

my

men

weren't relevant to the

bland creatures, demand-

gray,

conceit went. There

father, trying to act as if

That act chagrins me, now

that. I realize

I

was,

still

he were unimportant.

how much

I

depended on

mentors for their love, indeed sought them out, and how angry

I

would be when they wouldn't give me what I wanted. The day I went to see my mentor to tell him I was taking a year off, I felt absolute dread. It was at a time when I needed space and

my academic and research responsibilities. The my planned absence to was the director my department, whom I shall call Robert. Leaving would hurt

time away from

hardest person to explain of

his feelings, to

feared. There

I

seemed

to

be an unspoken obligation

be there. Separating and rejecting seem very hard

that point. It

And,

too,

I

was scared

was a gray early October day when

ment

As

to tell I

Robert of

I

went over

to the depart-

plans for the year.

off the subway and walked down toward the hoswhere our department was housed, my chest began

stepped

pital building to tighten.

The place looked somber and depressing.

diminished wards,

my

to sort out at

to let go of him.

why

my

plans for the year. Given so

try to sort out

abandoning the

my

pain

much

at all?

I

Its

presence

suffering in those

felt like

a coward

field of battle.

At the departmental lunch, surrounded by other colleagues, including Robert,

all

of us

munching on our brown bag lunches,

65

I

FINDING OUR FATHERS

had a

failure of nerve.

I

avoided telling them that

be around and finessed the topic when myself subtly aborting I

my

it

came

up.

would hardly

I

found part of

I

carefully thought-out plan for the year.

almost started volunteering for more work when

it

was

offered.

Would I supervise some new psychiatrists? "How about lectures for a new course that needs your help, Sam?" "Sam, let's meet regularly to write that grant proposal we've talked about."

"Maybe, maybe," about

I

found myself mumbling. "Let

me

think

it."

By the time I got home to dinner that night I was a total ball of what we call "stress" these days. My wife Julie asked me how my day had been.

"Okay

I

guess.

of people."

lot

Went over gave voice

I

going on over there.

maybe

my

disguised

"There's a

terror.

lot

I'm thinking of doing some supervision,

writing that grant proposal."

There was a plea roundabout way to all this?

away

department. Staff lunch. Saw a

to the to

I

I

was

for help in those offhand

silently asking, "Is

it

comments. In my

okay

for

need some support, or my whole year

in these

commitments

I

me

will

to

say

NO

be thrown

don't want!"

"Gee, Sam," Julie came through. "Don't you think you've got

enough scheduled? Aren't you going to leave yourself some time?" Tears formed in the back of my eyes when she said that, verbal proof of her faith in me, proof that she was on

than

I

my

side.

could say for myself. Her reply was like a

It

was more

beam

of

warm

warmth I could see the self-defeating part of myself that all day had been piling on the work, burying the hope of a calmer, more reflective, joyful year of self-discovery. Where was the origin of my ambivalence? I could not get the face of my mentor, Robert, out of my mind. He had been smiling at me when I met him in the corridor before the lunch, a puff of smoke rising from his pipe. He was glad to see me. I in contrast felt like the carrier of a dirty secret: I was abandoning him. We would not be spending days together, doing our work together in light,

the

and

in its

same old way.

66

Dealing with Authority

He

busily at work, smoking his pipe, thinking,

sits in his office

being careful, precise, and orderly.

He was

too precise

and

to get away,

and

justify,

For the

and restrained

that felt like

for

me. All

abandonment.

It

years

I

had met with him once a week.

eight years ago, he

was there

off

suggestion of a friend,

at the

My

immediately.

men were him

with

We

time of need,

I

had

to find

something

began desperately writing fellowship and grant proposals.

Then, it

my

me. Feeling dead-ended in a

for

university teaching job, dimly aware that I

to

couldn't explain.

I

last five

analyzed data, then sat around and talked. In

else,

was a need

I felt

was impossible

I

went

to see Robert.

funded. Robert was interested, and soon

in his

We

hit

grants to study the adult development of

my

department. In contrast to

I

was working

graduate school and

junior faculty experience, where encouragement had been meagerly dispensed, as

if

there were a critical worldwide shortage,

with Robert everything

Things

I

became good, more than good enough. became nuggets, treasures to be exam-

said in our talks

ined and thought out. Robert found

eminent

man

in the field.

Now

my work

fascinating.

He

is

an

was working and studying with

I

him as an equal. His confidence in me was a heady experience. The way he valued me was food and drink I couldn't get enough Yet suddenly

of.

By an unlucky wife was deathly felt his

I

that

as though

felt

I

had

to get distance

from him.

stroke of fate, that year he was in crisis too. His ill,

budget cuts jeopardized his research, and

I

need of me.

wanted

I

me

it

to

be a good son for him, the good son everyone told

already was for him. His wife confided that I'm his friend,

he talks

at

home about what we say at the office. Colleagues, me how he's doing with all the troubles in

worried about him, ask his life.

And how

is

he doing? He's doing

applies for grants,

it:

Takes care of his wife,

sits patiently in his office, trains

tists,

meets with students, goes

him.

How

can he do

it?

to all the

more scien-

meetings demanded of

Doesn't he want to scream, cry, shout,

67

FINDING OUR FATHERS

Where

destroy a few buildings?

are his feelings?

I

couldn't stand

being around that patient, aching silence.

Robert just endures! His silent message

men,

the fate of

to

to

me was

that this

is

swallow their emotions, rise above them, and

get on with the work.

And this

depths of

in the

man,

to

my

soul

I

realized that to

be the good son we both want

We

follow his example.

would have

to

me

show my love

for

have

to be, I'd

spend the year

to

sitting

around and talking about data.

Does he want to be taken care of? I would wonder. Does anyone him these days? No. He looked haggard and drawn, and seemed not to notice it himself. I would look at him, see so much unacknowledged pain, and feel a terrible sadness. To live take care of

with someone

who needs

brutalizing thing.

I

caring but will not accept

wanted

to talk

have a wife dying, about how

to

it

a terrible,

is

about about what

is

it

like to

How

ask for and get caring.

do

you accept such misfortune? His answers would have been very significant, given that

Could wanted

idealized this

have said that

I

to

I

him?

to

man

It felt

so.

impossible, as

care for him, hold him, comfort him, but he

impossible and

I felt

—

if

taboo.

made

I

that

my own wish to care suspect the pain too How do you comfort a father? How do

overwhelming and foreign. you deal with a

Few

wife's

dying?

pains in life are as intense as the recognition that

to befriend

someone and

there's only

one way

to

do

it:

you want

Give your-

self up.

He was

in the

"armor mode" stage of personal

taking care of his wife, so possible out of the hospital.

through." Yet

There ence of

is

in

at

that?

a deeper prohibition: We will not talk about

this. I

you love

how do Ave do

crisis in his life,

home, keeping her as long as This caring man just wanted to "get

ill

submit

it

is

jeopardy and not be able

within that person.

And

I

my

experi-

absolutely terrifying to have someone to find out

submit too that

68

what

is

going on

this is routine for sons

Dealing with Authority

with fathers, and carries over to men's experience of mentors and

work.

me of his wife's illness, Robert made the proHe knocked on my door and asked if we could talk

The day he

told

hibition clear. for a

few minutes. Sitting heavily

he came directly

lounge chair in a corner,

in the

to the point:

"Ruth has cancer." As we talked, he would answer any question recurrent history of

it;

He would

might have less time around the

"What's tough, but.

hand as

his .

.

."

when tragedy

caring to offer? That I

was

tell

office

I

He

Any

at

That

I

me, beseeching, "you

man

doesn't need

way of deeper holding and caring when

had nothing

should not look for

tough,

"It's

in the

in pain?

The anger

I

felt at

Robert may have lain in the obligation

the sense of being valued only in terms of what

mentor. to

staff.

asked.

dismiss the question.

understand? That a

I

looked

it

the most important.

you?" if to

hits?

I

the rest of the

than he had hoped.

His eyes looked right

What did

understand." support

— except

this all like for

He waved

had. She had a

this wasn't the first incident. Yes,

bad, but they were hopeful.

question he'd answer

I

If

I

live

up

to

what he wants of me,

I

he'll love

be different, he will be enraged. The feeling

I felt,

provided to

me;

my

if I try

men speak

about

of being "smothered" in a relationship reflects the feeling that our

personality will disappear under the weight of another. I

my mentor got solace from my being there; we both me to have derived deep satisfaction and relief from my

believe

seemed

to

being like a son. Yet there was oppression in that demand, which

can never be talked about, perhaps the same oppression

women

have identified as the objectification they experience from hus-

bands and men as "just sex objects," or with mothers when they feel loved as adults only

when they

are "finally married." So too

for sons.

We

want

to

meet

that obligation to

69

endure

in silence, to distance

FINDING OUR FATHERS

The

ourselves from our feelings and get the job done. against talking of trying to get

leaves us

away from

went ahead with

I

about why off

it

I

was doing

from him,

filled

all

prohibition

holding onto the obligation and

it.

my it.

year

off,

but

What became

we

couldn't talk together

a productive year was split

with accusations of betrayal and rejection on

both sides, with unfortunate consequences that were to take years to

work

out.

Those feelings about a mentor were surely "inappropriate."

They may seem so particularly for people who don't like it when adult life gets muddied up with unfinished sadness from childhood. We do need to distinguish how the mentee approaches the mentor. When the mentee comes to the mentor as a needy little boy in search of an all-knowing, all-loving put in a difficult position:

The mentor may

father, both

men

are

feel angry, constrained,

and confused (without being sure why, since the parental overtones hard

to the relationship are often

mentee identity

and

feel comfortable

— and

enough with

with each other

to explore relatively

strengths, there

is

to see),

and angry.

easily feel disappointed, guilty,

—

while the mentee will

When

both mentor and

their feelings, values,

to express

and

themselves honestly

openly their mutual vulnerabilities and

less difficulty.

Clearly that happens in

some

mentoring relationships, but we must understand that the issue of

male vulnerability becomes highly charged

for both

mentor and

mentee from their own relationships with their fathers. The question is not, Is it "right" to seek parenting from mentors? Given the male experience, it often may be inevitable. The derivation of the word mentor

is

instructive in this regard.

Mentor

was Odysseus' trusted counselor under whose disguise the goddess

Athena became the guardian and teacher of Telemachus in his absence. Sons will need those transitional male figures to

father's

consolidate their identity as men; the price

we pay

son dynamics will reappear where we least expect

working

to

keep

it

is it.

that father-

Rather than

out of the relationship, both young and old

might do better learning how

to tolerate vulnerability better.

70

Dealing with Authority

During

my

time away from the department

a bad son, and a

I

felt for

months

How

shadowed me:

terrible question

did

like

ever

I

abandon my father?

My Father, My Mentor After leaving the agonizing luncheon meeting that day with Robert, I

my

found myself preoccupied with memories of

up

angry, guilty obligation to live

to his

my

father

and of

model:

my father by an obligation he willed me to He willed me or I willed myself? I've never lived up to this obligation. Beyond my mentor, the director, stands my father, rebuking me without words by his very life history for my self-centered preoccupation with my feelings. Rebuking me this year, this moment, for not working as hard as he did. He stands before me, a large man in a business suit, with I

bonded

feel

endure in

to

silence.

the weight of the world on his shoulders, responsible for everything, taking care of everyone except himself, his unhappiness, his pain, his regrets about

what he didn't do with his

Every morning around eight o'clock,

my

father

very unhappy to be going to his store, and

left

life.

the house,

came back at six who came in

P.M., exhausted and angry. Angry at customers

every day to hassle him about prices or the quality of a job. That's what people

seemed

me to do all day in the Bronx: men came with the carpet but they

to

hassle and nitpick. "Oh, the

haven't finished the job," or "Shame, this carpet's for sale two

cents cheaper at associates.

made

He

Rug

City."

Or he would

fight with

business

continually blamed them for his never having

the adventurous decision, never really

"making

it

big,"

turning Osherson's Inc. into the multimillion-dollar business he

wanted

it

to be.

Like

many men

it

realized raising a family healthy

enough

for a

man

or

was only

later in life that

he

and honorably was success

woman.

But through our childhood he had a dream of success focused

on work. And perhaps understandably

—

like

many men

of his

time he was caught in a generational and historical trap.

71

He

FINDING OUR FATHERS

wanted that success as a

who had come over

his parents,

gift to

from Poland and started the carpet business. In his mind they

had gambled and won, while he had gambled and ents had

the old country and with their

left

age had started a small business and

my

father retired, he closed

it

left

cour-

to their son.

When

it

down. That business,

was a bond of obligation and love between him and

and mother. He was the only son, so when he World War

the army after

left

to.

There were

smart and energetic, already involved in the business,

who could of that.

work

that

his father

there was no hope that he would be allowed to

II,

study history at Columbia, in spite of his desire sisters,

His par-

lost.

own sweat and

easily have taken

It fell

his career.

to the son, the

He had

it

was no question

over, but there

only son, to show his love through

to carry out the obligation, at the price of his

happiness.

Always held

check by the

in

with an answer to

family,

questions about

all

my

father

was surrounded by nay-sayers, Sam. Don't you." Chained.

risks. "I

happen

let that

to

only he had been able to free himself, the

If

myth went, what grand deeds and great brought

was provided

why he took no

Father unchained

to the world.

light .

.

would have happened? He might have had

Or

with no excuses.

.

he would have

who knows what

to confront failure,

sort out feelings, impulses, desires that

were just too complex. So he came home every night tense and angry. his duty at the salt lax," usually

to "re-

accomplished by hours of television every evening.

"Relax" was a big word enraged

He had done

mines of the Bronx and only wanted in our family, along with

me when my mother would

say,

"unwind."

"You need

to

go away for a vacation." The grim message that carries

work

is

try to get

knots, isn't

how

is

that

the place where you suffer, you put on the tight harness

of responsibility.

you

It

unwind,

it

The

over

it

chains.

likely there is

you're going about

In our family there

exhaust you,

No

pleasure, no fun in work.

by unwinding. Yet

if

work

ties

something wrong with the work or

it?

was something wrong with work

make you

Then

you up in

feel

if it

you had been walking uphill

72

didn't

all day.

Dealing with Authority

Then home was use TV, eat a

and

lot,

passivity,

the place you used to cure yourself. You might

bed

or go to

The passive

early.

work and play were placed

time. So activity

in arbitrary opposition.

Play was passive and couldn't accomplish much. Active, playful

and imagination had no

creativity

My

relation to

bonded

to

him, in ways

I

hardly understand.

and hold him.

I

want

with mine. Yet

I

also want to shake

He

his pain, nor he mine.

For the

time

first

much I wanted him ion to make him things

—

I

to

see

for

never

each other

let go.

how much

Does

his pain

be happy, wanted in a

feel

We

better.

An

wanted

to

invitation

My

I

be a friend

pain was learning that

tracks.

am

I

hug him

to

I

—

I

couldn't salve

mean

that

meant

I

can't?

me, how

to

child's typical fash-

couldn't talk about those

is

to

show my

the sincerest form

accepted, and rejected. to

my

father,

and perhaps the deepest

couldn't be.

father went to work, I

want

him the only way

so was becoming like

of flattery.

I

mine and merge it him and accuse him. In all

love? To be a good son for him? Imitation

I

real problems.

to take his grief into

"work" we never had time

his

life's

father feels like a weight on me. In the deepest ways

I

would drag myself

went

was pulling out of the driveway

to

we were on

to school;

to the school

commute

parallel

bus stop even as he Bronx.

to the

How

I

hated high school! The endless memorizing of dates and facts, the narrow-minded rote and routines of the teachers, lessons

seemed so unconnected with what was important in my life, I needed to talk about. He had his customers with their niggling demands, I had my teachers poetic justice. Like that

with what

—

father, like son.

Becoming a man felt like accepting an odious burden of endwork and mindlessness. How I would have liked to talk to

less

my

father about that fate, but couldn't or wouldn't!

busy, so tired, so depressed, taking care of us

well in the arduous male world, for which

my

He was

so

bearing up so

all,

high school was

merely the training ground. Isn't that the point,

my

father

was

that,

though? The biggest lesson

day

after day,

gave you and you gritted

it

73

out.

I

learned from

he endured. You took what

You were able

to get the

life

job

FINDING OUR FATHERS

And he was doing

done. shit

that for us, wasn't he,

because of his wife, family, children. And

gation to him? To take all the shit that

When it comes when it comes to way out of it, then

My

to

men

—

couldn't?

ingly.

to the

are tough. But finding a

it,

if

the risk of examining his

you can

call

that,

it

saw them. Which

is

was

sons? To live up, you must suffer as

in nurturing

each

little

to

what many

considerable nobility in that, but what

is

Fathers and sons get so

each other,

men

by revealing

— take

his responsibilities as he

do. There

obli-

we're not so tough.

father didn't

message

all that

my

that

can hand out?

life

enduring mental pain

letting go of pain,

pain, his depression. His choice, fulfill

he took is

is

the

do, will-

I

experience in taking care of

other, holding

each other emotion-

ally. I

remember one seven

o'clock in the morning on a cold winter

to get up to go to high school. My wake me. I said I had a bad cold, could I stay home from school? Her friendly but questioning face. Maybe she knew I wasn't really sick, but she wasn't sure. "Well, okay," she said, and my heart leapt. But I still had to get past my father. So I had to convince us all, including myself, that I was sick. I lay in bed with my eyes closed, pretending that I was sleeping. My father was dressed for work in his business suit and about to walk downstairs when he saw me still in bed. He came into

day

in the 1950s.

mother came

my to I

room.

him.

I

was time

in to

I felt

a terrible dread inside me.

couldn't deal with him.

didn't even

his

It

He came

open my eyes but acted as

hand on my forehead. Fair enough

has a temperature. to get

up and go

Still

didn't

stir. I

if I

—

didn't want to talk

my act was. How my head into the

sick son,

didn't want

my

could

forehead like a weight.

I still

bed.

see

let's

him

if

to tell

he

me

pillow like that!

to school.

soundly asleep as

I

would not deal with him,

Didn't he wonder

all that?

sleep.

74

How ridiculous

be asleep with his hand pressing

how

I

I

could be as

That sick, we had better

ambulance. Not a word was spoken. Kind man

me

my

were asleep. He put

to school.

His hand rested on

would not go

I

I

to the side of

that he

call

an

he

let

is,

Dealing with Authority

He walked way

to the

out of the room with heavy steps.

Bronx, while

my

mother.

I

He was on

his

looked forward to a wonderful day of

dreaming, listening

pleasure: reading, talking to

I

to

records,

thinking,

heard him plod down the steps. The front

door slammed. The car started.

"You take

it.

whispered a voice inside

little shit,"

my

head. '7/e can

Why cant you?**

Odysseus was wrong. It's not true, Telemachus, that your father comes to you only once and forever; you meet him again and again in different guises through your whole life. We relive with our mentors our ambivalence over our fathers' message as to what it means to be a man. Many men learn from their fathers that to be in the work world means to suffer, indeed that manhood itself is a kind of dreadful obligation. With our mentors we will try both to live up to that demand and to be excused from it.

Cannibalism If

the mentor relationship normally ends with a rupture, as Lev-

inson suggests, that

may

reflect the ordinary difficulty of

develop-

ment: Differentiation and growth are perceived as rejection.

One

person experiences the changed relationship, perhaps becoming

more

"realistic" in

its

emphasis on autonomy and sure-footedness,

as a rejection of the other. Yet, too, perhaps the

normal

difficulty of the

ship reflects normal difficulties between

men

mentoring relation-

rooted in the father-

son relationship. From the mentor's point of view the mentee's in-

may rekindle internal conflicts about the own choices. If the mentee has a rebellious streak, which may or may not reflect suppressed sides of his mentor, the senior person may angrily reject the younger for decisions that the

creasing independence older man's

mentor already renounced tively,

the mentor

may

in the course of his career. Alterna-

unrealistically,

perhaps maladaptively, en-

courage within the younger person suppressed sides of himself.

75

FINDING OUR FATHERS

He may goad was unable

On

the younger

man

to rebellions that the senior

person

to carry out.

a deeper level the separation-individuation struggle the

mentor and mentee are engaged difficult feelings

may

in

about separation: that

rekindle for both of them to leave is to reject loved

ones. Rejecting a line of work or a kind of life-style

may

feel like

a potent rejection of the person himself, particularly because usually neither

mentor nor mentee realizes

that there are profound

paternal feelings of love involved in what seems like merely a work situation.

And,

too, the vulnerabilities that

and development may be too hot Is

it

possible that in

permeate the process of growth

for

some cases

many men

to handle.

the old betray the young, as

they themselves were betrayed, by persuading those of us in our thirties or forties to give

up our

original passions, our sense of

outrage, our idealistic motives, or our desires for a fuller kind of life in

favor of a narrow horsecollar that passes for "adult matu-

rity."

Mentoring

is

such a fashionable word these days.

It is

casually

dropped into conversation; many young adults assume they have a mentor, as

if

you can't be truly dressed

for

success without one.

Psychology and business texts wax poetic about the mentors importance. Both parenting and mentoring link the generations

"linchpin"

is

—

Erik Erikson's metaphor for this volatile relationship.

In the process the old find a

survive, while the

young

way

of seeing their ideals

and values

find sturdy, trustworthy elders to give

them a confident view of the future. Ah, the beauty and perfection of nature and the social order! Behind these texts you can hear Mozart playing in the background: All things

fit

together in a grand scheme.

Given the complications we've reviewed so

far,

particularly

rapid social change and the heterogeneity of contemporary terns, that "linchpinning" of the generations doesn't

monious. Sometimes when

and some experiences of

I

my

life

pat-

seem so

har-

consider the experiences of

my

peers,

own, a more violent metaphor occurs

76

Dealing with Authority

me: a predatory relationship between the generations that can

to

only be called cannibalism.

One its

generation

ideas,

and

may

cannibalize another by stealing

often, literally,

what

it

its

energy,

produces. In graduate school

a student or apprentice does work that the senior professor then

markets as his own. But

that's

mild compared with stealing the

energy of the young by absorbing fresh enthusiasms and passions into meaningless or destructive projects and goals defined by the elders. Within

many

different institutions hollow reports

and meet-

and are fated always to lead to no change. They can become wasteful make-work created by the senior staff to keep the junior staff busy and to test their loyalty. Can the young ings lead to no change

candidates tolerate such mind-numbing bureaucratism without

blowing the whistle, without calling without realizing

it,

it

into question? Perhaps,

the seniors want to create cynicism in the

young, the same cynicism they have come to feel in their own

impotence, resulting from compromises they have made. Cynicism

may be

the wrong word; semiparalysis might be better.

Feeling cynical and impotent themselves, the seniors

may

find

the idealism and energy of the young painful to see, though they

allow themselves to experience the pain only as irritation. There's

a consequent impulse to show the junior staff victim that his work doesn't add of failure. ative that

up

A

to anything, to

engender self-doubt and the feeling

senior colleague of mine once referred to the imper-

"we must break the maverick horse" as

justification for

a negative yearly evaluation of a junior professor. It

is

relatively easy, too, for the older generation to sour the

enthusiasms and intuitions of the young by making them feel

lively

inappropriate, bad. That goes on

and,

I

am

all

the time in graduate schools

sure, in other institutions as well. In subtle or not too

subtle ways, a distaste for the emotional approach

is

put across:

Distance yourself from what you see before your eyes; pay no

at-

tention to your inner cues or to any internal dialogue.

I'm amazed at the gratitude of many men in junior positions when they find encouragement to talk about their enthusiasms, and

77

FINDING OUR FATHERS

at the

shock and doubt when you suggest that the inner impulses

are worthwhile, are legitimate, and ought to be reactivated

more

Some who reject the notion do so because they believe personal feelings may not be the most useful or valid measures or data to bring to a question, but many reject it out of hand often than they are.

because the approach leaves them feeling too naked and exposed: It's

They

a freedom they don't want.

prefer feeling resentful and

oppressed.

A

friend of mine, a sociologist, several years ago wrote a very

personal book about the draft, Vietnam, and his experiences counseling black youths in the 1960s.

He

wrote

it

after finishing his

graduate studies and beginning a successful academic career. The

book did not conform sociologist.

He

to the

way he had been trained

work as a

to

sent a copy to his mentor, eager for his reaction,

man would give his seal of approval to this One day my friend was looking through his mail and

hoping that eminent

new

venture.

to him by his mentor. When he opened message scrawled across the title page:

found the book returned he found

this

"What

it,

the fuck are you doing?"

The Cruelty of the Young Ah, but

I

demand

that the old

need

protest too

to believe that,

as the other

much. The young are predatory too. They (rigid), defined, and tough. They

be sturdy

and perhaps they cannibalize the old as much

way around. Men

atory; they feel pressed to get

in their twenties are

somewhere,

to live

above

up

all

pred-

to the chal-

make career decisions and start show that they can make it in our society, among other motives. They then get caught in the momentum of those decilenge of being a man. They must

families to

sions; they

want the older generation

that the choices they

They

will hardly tolerate

been through

it

all,

to testify that

it

all

works,

have made will bring success and wisdom.

says,

some really wise older man, who has "Maybe this way it won't work. We have

it if

78

Dealing with Authority

to start over,

and we need your energy and youthful

intuition to

help us change things."

men

Perhaps young

will not tolerate the

mentors of power and

many young men,

caring that Beth wishes for Eric. Clearly, for

and perhaps women, the appearance of gentleness

We

prefer to feel deprived.

weak for

We

authorities."

it.

We

failure, in

want

As to

in a

mentor

wounds not healed from

too loaded, cuts too close to painful

is

father.

the executive said, "I don't like

degrade them, and hate ourselves

don't want to see the reality of failure, even ennobling

our heroes.

We

criticize

them

if

they

fail

or

show "weak-

ness."

The young can be stuck

— unable

to see

as cruel as the old.

each other,

to

Maybe both

are equally

connect. Fated to distort each

other.

Many

of the older generation feel that the

young are relentless

and edge out their senshow how big and strong they are. Vaillant remarks on the "crassness and narrowness" of men during the career consolidation phase of their life, which he identifies as usually occuring during the twenties and early thirties. 4 Vaillant summarizes the in their efforts to prove themselves, to test iors, to

competitiveness within the mentoring relationship with his story of the forty-year-old

man

talking about his mentor: "I was the fea-

tured speaker at his retirement dinner." I

this

have a persistent suspicion that the young and old are kept in

dance more out of fear than

for

enjoyment of

remote recess of our consciousness we

men

all,

battle. In

young and

are not really as strong as they look, and that

some

old, fear that

we have traded

something very important, an internal center connected with the feeling world, for our

We

need

to find

power

ways

in the marketplace.

to allow

gentleness into the mentoring

relationship, a place for openness,

and the "emotional holding"

males are hardly comfortable with, and that many renounce. Perhaps the young need to allow the old to be themselves just as

that

vice versa, giving

up the

illusion that

79

if

only

we do what they

say,

FINDING OUR FATHERS

the old will take care of us and provide us with ultimate security

and

safety.

Perhaps the fear of a vacuum

at the

our paternal lineage, makes us want stronger than they can be. less, like

It

center of the male image, to force

also impels us to

our elders to be

become more,

not

them, adopting the posture of invincible strength, col-

luding with the myth out of some primitive terror of revealing the vulnerability at the core.

80

Of Working Wives and Men's Loneliness

A

Feeling of Neglect

"I didn't anticipate

having this

and I'm surprised by

it.

I

difficulty

when she began working,

haven't gotten used to the feeling of

neglect."

The handsome lawyer winced eyebrow arching up as

He

if

at the

leaned back in his office couch.

he had helped his wife make the cessful career in

social

word "neglect,"

work.

An

shift

He

articulate,

engaging man,

from housewife

to

a suc-

liked the fact she worked

and appreciated her paycheck: Her new income was not

money

his right

questioning his mouth's choice of words.

just play

him but a contribution to greater financial and career freedom in his own life. Yet when women no longer are what to

81

FINDING OUR FATHERS

women

were back in the good old days when

creates problems for men.

A

moms were moms, it men to feel

primary occasion for

abandoned by their wives is when they go off to work. The feeling of neglect is a problem not just for men in traditional marriages whose wives go back to work after the kids are grown. Even men who expect their wives to be more autonomous married later, usually to

women who have

spoken of the sense of

loss

careers of their

and abandonment they

feel

— own — have when wives

have a strong commitment outside the family.

One thirty-eight-year-old economist with young children at home and a wife with a teaching career spoke of always assuming would work, then talked moodily of "a de-emotionalizing

his wife

of certain relationships.

been

less exciting than

The marriage it

was

.

.

.

in the past

few years has

such a thing as an emotional

divorce can happen."

A

thirty-two-year-old

in a dual career

and

I

woman, a successful Southern

have a pattern: For several days before

on a business

trip,

he

he says he

something

A

to

is

am

about

When we

my

serious struggle for

know

to leave

— grumpy, about

try to talk

that our fights

have

I've talked with results

from

feeling nothing, but

do with

I

starts to act like a two-year-old

sulking around, acting hurt and injured. it

journalist

marriage without children, said that "my husband

I

going away."

many men

holding a self-image of being nontraditional, accepting, and en-

couraging of working wives, yet finding that they act in angry and

when

distancing ways

mous

their wives really

do become more autono-

or less focused on them. In most cases, the husband can't

talk about the discrepancy

he really

between how he wishes he

felt

and how

feels.

In this chapter

I

look at the impact on the husband of a working

wife and the vulnerabilities and pressures that

may

leave the hus-

band a wounded

father,

itself at midlife.

To understand the true impact of wives who work,

we must change

set the

angry and isolated as the family rearranges

phenomenon

in family life.

in its

broader context as a substantial

Often wives begin work or return

82

to

work,

Of Working Wives and Men's Loneliness

for

example, as their children become more grown up and inde-

pendent.

I

believe there

is

a general experience of male vulnera-

bility at midlife, especially in light of the

growing autonomy of

wives and children at that time. Both those changes in family

life

dependency on their families. That is why I use as a central example in this chapter the traditional family pattern in which a wife begins work or returns to work as the children grow up. The discomfort of many men at midlife with the growing autonomy of wives and children in their families reveals most clearly dynamics of loss and change at home with which normal men in more nontraditional life patterns also reveal men's disguised

struggle.

The Traditional Husband The lawyer and difficulty for

at Midlife

his wife, the Hendersons, exemplify a

men

common

provoked by the rearrangement of

at midlife,

their families as adolescent children are

"launched" from home

college and the wife pushes for greater autonomy by going

returning

—

to

work or school. Close

this country return to

work as

mid-1960s found

family pattern after college

I

50 percent

in

their

have called "early

to a family that

—

women

or in

l

our sample of Harvard gradu-

way

into the traditional

starters," in

work-

which the man soon

makes work-family commitments

traditional roles as

of the

their children get older.

Almost 25 percent of the men ates from the

to

to

that define

him

in

an ambitious career professional and a father

depends on him

for

economic

survival.

longer the dominant family pattern in men's lives,

it

"ideal" one and was the normative pattern by which

While no

remains an

many

of our

parents lived. 2

My

data indicate that

men

at midlife are

now

struggling with the

kinds of "empty nest" problems that used to be characteristic of

women

at midlife.

The phrase "empty nest" usually and symptomatology around the

refers to the wife's depression

loss of her

83

main childrearing du-

FINDING OUR FATHERS

ties as the

family grows up. Yet only a minority of

women

recent studies report such depression and symptoms

in

most

when

their

children grow up.

The husbands predicament has become apparent only recently, time of changing sex-roles, when women are less trapped in the empty nest. Many women today see the rearranged family as a positive opportunity to express parts of self left behind when they elected to become full-time moms. In their article in the Sunday New York Times Magazine on "positive new images for women at midlife," Baruch, Barnett, and Rivers write: "If some middle-aged at a

women

see themselves as having been shortchanged in the past,

most of them do not think

is

it

going to be that way in the future.

They are looking ahead with optimism. Instead

of being obsessed

with their failure to 'measure up' to youthful expectations

purportedly are

— they

are often starting on

—

as

new ventures

men

with a

fresh set of challenges." 3

Their data indicate that

new work

women who can

roles along with their parenting

develop well-paying

and wifely

growing up of children. By contrast there

dence indicating that

is

it

A

at the

some research

husbands who have the

when wives develop commitments are launched to college.

is

show

roles

considerable satisfaction with their lives, not great loss

difficult

evi-

time

outside the family and the kids

4

wife returning to or beginning work, particularly

when com-

bined with the "departure" of grown children from the home, puts

men back

in touch with

dependency needs and a sense of

never really mastered growing up.

A

feeling that the

fragmented or destroyed may confront the old

man

home

is

loss

being

thirty-five- or forty-year-

with his yearnings for his mother and father. The grief and

anger of the husband

at midlife often

become

invisible,

unac-

knowledged by him and his family; the man subtly resists the changes that midlife brings, experiencing difficulty with the crucial developmental task of evolving new goals and purposes in his life,

clinging instead to the shopworn myth of his instrumental

power.

84

Of Working Wives and Men's Loneliness

On

the other hand, a working wife

may help

myth of self-importance and personal

men

the narrow, instrumental identity offered to

man

in his thirties or forties

may

free a

man from

wounded

father within.

Lets examine the vulnerabilities and opportunities the

empty nest

A

in our society.

find that the rearranging family

of midlife helps to heal the angry, needy,

the

the

isolation that is the core of

man

in

faces.

Man in

The Vulnerable

the

Empty Nest

Recovering from the word "neglect," Mr. Henderson continues, telling

me

is

change

my

life

over

that his wife has finished graduate school

and

that "without doubt, the biggest

the past year"

in

found a full-time job. His words remind us that as the wife pushes for

autonomy and enters the work world, she

shifts the affective

balance in the marriage, becoming a different person for her husband.

Now

she's off to the office in the morning, as

he

is.

She meets

new people and comes home mulling over ideas and experiences that he knows little of. She is no longer centered on his needs and those of the family, enlivened after a day around the house by the

excitement he brings

new

set of

home

with him. Indeed, she

may now have

enthusiasms, which he does not share.

resume or begin careers

many husbands

When

husbands, there

later than their

a

wives is

an

The wife feels freshly enthusiastic and eager about beginning a new stage of life (work) just at the time when he is peaking or leveling off in his career. For him career is old hat; for her it's still a marvelous new experience after years at home. He may feel older than his years when around the irony for

at midlife:

youthful freshness that an exciting, challenging career commit-

ment has provided too is

is

the wife. For

to his wife.

some men

As it

the kids are being launched, so

feels as

if

going on to something bigger and better

everyone

at

in the family

work except him.

The husband and wife are both in a new stage of life, yet the husband may not realize that as clearly as the wife. He may have no way of articulating the impact of the changing family system on

85

FINDING OUR FATHERS

may

him. The husband

she going

to

do

feel

better than

suddenly competitive with his wife: he

in the

looked to for his self-esteem: work? certainties:

How

now meeting

And

of

there

life

is

may be

truly gaining a

Is

he has always

does he measure up against the other

work? The wife

at

domain

secret un-

men she

is

new perspective

on the workplace, and the husband may seem less competent and admirable pare him to

her It is

her

to

that there are other successful

may be

men

to

com-

tethered to her daily trips

office.

just this challenge to the

can be healing all

now

with. His self-esteem

to the

myth of the man's

husband, because he

is

centrality that

no longer "out there

alone" with no way of testing some of his preconceptions about

himself and his work commitments.

change agent

for both

defenses and attitudes

spouses

—

if

Marriage can be a great

— providing ways

of learning

new

they each have an equal voice within

A

wife with real-world experience and a sense of comes from working may then enter into a dialogue within the marriage with her husband. She may have an increased self-esteem and sense of authority at home that comes from being taken seriously and earning a paycheck in the world of work. Such personal growth may leave her with a more equal voice about the central values and commitments that define their marriage. Her husband is not the sole source of her knowledge about the demands and challenges of the "real world." She forms her own opinions, based on her own experience, about the difficult questions that have traditionally plagued the husband most directly, including how much and how often to put work obligations the relationship.

competence

that

above family commitments, the importance of career success, or

how

to deal with the

of the workplace.

competitive or personally distorting demands

As a

result, a

working wife may challenge her

husband s characteristic myths and preconceptions about his work identity, some of which are quite oppressive to men even as they desperately cling to them. For example, many men whose and

wives work talk with relief

at the

86

sudden

realization that the eco-

Of Working Wives and Men's Loneliness

nomic maintenance of their households no longer depends entirely at work. That reduces the husband's need to guard

on their success

his authority in the

home and

allows him to open himself to more

intimate relationships with his wife and children or to experiment

with

new aspects

ments.

Men

of self less tied to traditional career commit-

also report learning

new

strategies from their wives

common work problems

about coping with

involving competition

and power.

My

wife has pursued her career full time, and I've been struck

by how challenging

it

is

for

me

work

that she understands the

world, confronting deadlines, dealing with interpersonal conflicts,

and the dilemmas of success and learn from

my

wife.

failure.

times overcontrolling with people;

at

proach

to

I

She presented a contrast 1

I had much to my tendency to be

found to

was intrigued by her ap-

work, which seemed less competitive and isolating.

Doug Heath found mid-1960s

that

men

in his studies of college graduates

from the

consistently ranked their wives as having an

equally or more maturing effect on them than their careers. 5 thirty-eight-year-old

man spoke

this

way about

work: "It helped us in our understanding of each other. stretching experience. Overall

[it]

One

his wife's return to It

was a

strengthened us in our relation-

ship while putting us through a period of stress and chaos."

One

of the reasons for the "chaos"

is

that the husband's dis-

guised intimacy needs and dependency suddenly become exposed. Mr. Henderson, for example, contrasted the

be

it

home with the way they are today: "Now something is missing, and I'm not

way things used

to

at

was

fine.

sure what. For a while

There was a sense of working together, pulling toward

common goals. Our friends tended to be my friends, when we were much younger and working. The process ing a partner takes a long time,

was very invested prising looks

in that. I felt

how embedded

it's

kind of a contest

especially

adored and the center."

the go-getter

dependent on him, but upon

87

is in

whom

of

becomShe

in a way. It is

sur-

his family, a family that

he depends as well.

He

FINDING OUR FATHERS

needs the smell and

feel of that cozy little haven, reassuring

him

and provider

as he performs in his role as "the force": the protector for his family.

"One

thing

wish

I

is

like in the old days.

we did

that

Go

things

more together as a

skating on a Saturday afternoon."

family, I

won-

dered aloud what kept him from doing such things. His face saddened. "Well, as the kids have gotten older they are less interested in a family walk, which left

out or passed

is

the expression they use. / have felt a

by, unnecessarily. Partly

little

because Betty s working

so hard. She will always try to do things, but she has to plan carefully. this

and

I

feel

when

if it lasts

she's doing

it

that she's allocated

an hour

it

for

two, she starts to feel pressed."

Mr. Henderson spoke with

some poignancy about how things

used to be: "It

was a relationship

in everything.

I

in

which

I

was adored, and

was the breadwinner and

I

I

was the force

was good around the

—

my wife who is a woman." He spoke sheepishly, not without humor, sitting on the leather office couch: "I think it was probably a classic male chauvinist, patronizing perspective." That ironic picture led me to wonder whether providing and protecting are the way many men enter into the family on which they depend for warmth, good feeling, and security. For many, though not all, men the mode of intimacy that they seem most house.

I

had the feeling of clear superiority

to

very talented, very capable

comfortable with

is

taking care of rather than being taken care of

The marriage and family become the place where they find people who they can take care of and feel powerful around, thereby having their own powerful dependency and intimacy needs secretly met.

One "protecting father" described himself as "the kind of father who does not feel like a father unless he is experiencing himself 6 as the fortification in which his children can reside."

Many men who marry

early

and

start families of their

own seem

most comfortable with that kind of intimacy, which might be called "paternal intimacy."

When

their families

88

grow up, the children

Of Working Wives and Men's Loneliness

reaching late adolescence and becoming more autonomous and self-reliant, these

men have

confusion and neediness.

come powerful and

great difficulty focusing on their

It's

as

having worked so hard

if,

own

to be-

strong, they find themselves without the psy-

make the transition into a new stage of life. may have difficulty with their children's autonomy

chological resources to

Men

like that

and attempts

to separate,

responding with sadness or anger, sur-

reptitiously (or not) trying to

without realizing

Used

to

keep

their kids dependent, usually

it.

seeing their

own dependency needs

around them, they may

still

children are feeling (as a

want

mask

projected onto those

to attend to

what their wives and

own

feelings) rather than

for their

what they themselves are feeling. Mr. Henderson, for example,

by telling

me

that his

did he bring up his

may

first

introduced his wife's working

much

daughter was more lonely. Only

own sense

later

Such a man

of displacement.

up by changes at accompany them on suddenly busy with her own commitments a vacation trip he was very disturbed because it "broke up the feeling of family." When our teenage children begin to make their own decisions, to take their own risks, we can no longer protect them from life's dangers in the same way we could (or believed we could) when they were young. The father then becomes vulnerable himself to first

report his wife has been "really shook

home," then mention that when she refused

to

—

—

the consequences of his children's behavior, and

confronted by his anxiety.

Here

with his son,

is

own uncomfortable sense

may

find himself

of powerlessness

and

one father recalling a dangerous shared moment

when

a storm at sea turned into a metaphor for the

normal separation process between adolescent and parent: "It's is

my

fun and interesting to see

wistful as

I

realize I'm

kids getting older.

no longer needed. Pride

sadness that I'm getting older.

I

am sometimes

in

Some

of

it

them and

astonished, just

bowled over by what happens. Last summer we were cruising around the bay for a period of about terrible weather.

five

days, just had

Unexpected, very heavy gales, had

89

some

really

to reef at sea,

FINDING OUR FATHERS

and there were a couple of times, one wore lifejackets and

lifelines,

in particular

when my son

and he and my wife had

to

go

for-

ward and drop the mainsail, which was reefed, and you know, 60knot winds are almost a hurricane and there are seas sweeping over the boat, and he

is a very small, slender boy. But he's up enormous there dropping an gaft mainsail and is in water up to his bellybutton, being pushed hard by a couple of tons of water every time a wave came over. And scared to death, but everything went without a hitch, and there was almost a partnership kind of thing.

But

if

he had gone overboard

never would have gotten him.

I

Really scary."

Confronted by the depth of their vulnerability, many feel that their adult

sense of self

is

men may

being secretly undermined by

A father who equates maturity with being in control may have considerable trouble with the late adolescent passage of his children. As he reconnects with his need for his family, becomes aware of his own fears and anxieties, a man may feel he is being pushed toward becoming a spoiled boy, pertheir families.

and

in

charge

haps the position he or his father occupied or he

may

feel

embarrassment

image of his own

The

father too

at not living

in his

up

childhood family,

to the "strong

man"

father. is

often struggling with his grief

"launching" of his children.

When

and

loss at the

the children begin to leave

may feel that his "fathering" may experience a wish to make things "okay" with his sons or daughters without knowing how to make it happen. Wright and Keple found, for example, that many

home

for college or

work, the father

years are coming to a close and

high school sons look to their fathers for instrumental support but

no longer turn child

may

to

them

for emotional support.

7

The adolescent

not look to his father any more for affective support, as

the father-son connection

rapprochement

lies

years

becomes

down

distorted

and the

possibility of

the road. So the father

may be

caught in his isolated, peripheral position in the family, struggling with a loss he cannot

mourn

The American painter

Fairfield Porter captures

as he has to let go of his children.

90

some

of the midlife

Of Working Wives and Men's Loneliness

lament in his poem 'The Loved Son." As his grown

father's lonely

son leaves home, Porter

and he

est partings,

remembers some of the young

rightly

warns us that

if

boy's earli-

the father cannot en-

dure his regret he will indeed become "heartless." The use of regret is to point us toward our heart's yearning. Porter's yearning is

toward the missed connections with his son, the wish for intimacy with the boy that remains unfulfilled:

When

the grown boy turns his back and leaves

Looking forward

Glad

to college or

be grown up, happy

to

even the army

to

be gone

Counting his new dependence as independence I

think

how

With what

And have

carelessly

little

have regarded him

I

penetration

I

have known him

not listened to the pleasant wit

That marks the shrewdness of his watching mind

The

father closes his

boy

his son that the

poem yearning for the "easy intimacy" with among "companions of his own age,"

will find

who without "the baggage

of infancy" see each other freshly and,

In a flash of insight looking in his eyes

Know The

the depths of his being and love

father's

him

instantly.

8

wish to heal the wounds of childhood with his grown

son before he leaves

home helps us understand

the terror of the

father caught in the storm at sea with his son, "scared to death"

the boy might drown; the father

son

is

becomes aware suddenly

that his

on his own before things have been worked out between

may never be worked out. The father may own leavings as an adolescent and the ways

them, and in fact they

be drawn back

to his

he said goodbye

to his father.

may reconnect with son to his own father. Consider now the dilemma

the father

So as "the loved son" leaves home, his yearnings to have

of

91

many men

been a loved

at midlife:

They are

FINDING OUR FATHERS

new sense

stuck because they cannot evolve a

meaning and

of

purpose. Mr. Henderson speaks of feeling "left out or passed by, unnecessarily." Everyone else has something to do,

some vision of them becoming a social worker, going to college. Mr. Henderson seems to experience himself as worn out, just aging, useless, and being left behind now that no one needs him. That is in fact how the "empty nest" experience used to feel to many women. Could it stem in part from the reality that

—

the future that energizes

many

successful

the others in

men

at midlife are so defined,

who depend on

by themselves and

their success, that they truly are stuck

an identity that does not have room

for

an evolving sense of self?

Mr. Henderson, as a partner in a powerful Wall Street law firm,

is

viewed as a stable, successful member of that community. His

him

partners look to

to bring in large fees

and

to attract

new

busi-

ness to the firm. His secretaries and younger associates look to

him

for work.

And

his family has

their financial support.

son

who works

hard,

Now

who

is

they

depended on him for years for see him as "Dad," the per-

may

successful,

who does

not talk about

much. What kind of changing is he going to do? a crucial normal developmental task for men here.

his feelings very

There

is

Feminists have argued that

men have something

to learn

from

women, having to do with the capacity for greater intimacy, empathy, a more caring and interdependent approach to life. Traditional research on adulthood supports that view. The healthy growth of men's personalities in midlife and beyond

is

often de-

scribed in terms of attributes that our society defines as "feminine." David

Guttman

writes about the normal shift in

men from

preoccupation with agency and power through young adulthood

one

at midlife

a to

centering on receptivity and nurturance. Erikson's

middle stage of adulthood

is

described positively as the search for

ways of becoming interpersonally "generative" rather than personand isolated. The Yale psychologist Daniel Levinson

ally stagnant

reports from his studies of "the seasons of a man's life" that a

struggle with the polarities of masculinity-femininity, ers,

among

marks the midlife development of men. He remarks

92

oth-

that tran-

Of Working Wives and Men's Loneliness

and change mark men's adult

sitions

ture

can permit the living out of

these theories imply:

all

Men grow

because "no

lives

struc-

life

aspects of the self." 9 Note what

out of childhood and into adult-

hood not "whole" but rather with the sense of self organized around personal achievement and self-action in the world. The women's

movement should thus be welcomed problem

in

men's

it

offers a solution to a

lives: the shift at midlife to

reclaim parts of self

behind or devalued in the rush

left

Yet that isn't so. is

in that

become a man.

to

The empirical data on male aging, for example, we get away from those more "theoretical"

not reassuring, once

One study found that only one-third of its men at midlife achieved what the investi-

or hopeful writings.

broad sample of normal

gators describe as a "transcendent-generative solution" of the midlife

Many men remain

passage.

stuck in a shaky myth of their

own

power, alienated from the rest of themselves. 10

While there certainly

is

resistance within

men

at midlife to

changing or expanding their identities, a resistance we shall ex-

amine

shortly,

erful forces

may

it is

partly want to

When

I

essential not to underestimate as well the

from work and family blocking change for

broaden their sense of

your

life

self.

was interviewing men who changed careers

one told me: "You know, when you want other people will cut

down

pow-

men who

to

make

at midlife,

a big change in

trees to stop you."

At

first I

thought that was an oddly paranoid statement, but over the years its

truth has

become apparent. Other people depend on us

to

be

and needs are dependent on our Mr. Henderson would need to push

ourselves, because their identities

being

who we

are.

A man

like

back against the pressures, external as well as internal, keeping

him so well-defined,

in order to begin to

and purposes that would energize his less

"passed by." There

is

men would

develop new meanings

and leave him feeling

an old maxim that no one in the kingdom

has less freedom than the king. familias

life

Many

probably agree,

if

of these successful pater-

they understood the extent

of their entrapment.

To push against the familial forces keeping him trapped within

93

FINDING OUR FATHERS

husband or father

his instrumental sense of self, a

the rage he feels and family

may

feel

anger

members

feel

risks unleashing

toward him. The father

what he sees as the ingratitude of his family

at

much over the years for them in and they seem so ungrateful. The wife and children are all going off to what seem like new commitments, leaving him behind. There may be envy that fuels the husbands rage as he wishes he too could move on to an exciting new stage of life. The here he has been sacrificing so his hard work,

rage

may

spring as well from the father's disappointment in his

family and the unfamiliar vulnerability he feels

much and wife

it

has come now

— he has

just to this, his kids leaving

becoming more independent. The

given so

and

may

rage, finally,

his

spring

from the father's fear of his family. After years of appearing

to

and dominate family life, he sees other family members becoming powerful and autonomous. What will they do? he may wonder. Will they seek revenge against "the King" or merely try to expose the nakedness of the Emperor by challenging his chercontrol

ished beliefs and values? Often children's decisions about marriage or career that don't conform to the father's beliefs are subtle

challenges to his power.

The

family's rage toward father lies in the years of

accommoda-

When

children are

tion that they

may have colluded

growing up, father to

him by

is

in creating.

seen as the patriarch. Family members relate

trying to placate or manipulate or cajole

avoid direct clashes with his power. The father feared figure as well as a beloved one. itself at midlife,

the family reorganizes

the years of accommodation, having prevented

everyone from finding safe ways

may

As

him so as to a hated and

may be

to disagree directly with father,

and children feel. In some families and teenage children often act as if they are

fuel the rage that the wife

in therapy the wife serfs rising

The rage

up against the powerful that family

members

lord of the manor.

feel also

may

protect

them against

their underlying sadness, perhaps at leaving father behind.

the family rearranges

itself,

be looking toward the future

When

the wife and grown-up children

—

at

94

the

new career

may

or love commit-

Of Working Wives and Men's Loneliness

—

and it can be difficult for all involved to acments that await knowledge their sadness about leaving, about the letting go of what was. It is often easier to feel angry than sad. That is true of both

becoming different from or leavand the fathers sadness at seeing his family

the wife's or children's sadness at

ing father behind

change. In

dren

some

families there

is

collusion between the wife and chil-

continue the deception that the father

to

is

"the force in

everything." Speaking of this pattern of "protective denial," the

and Rosenberg and fear of the father:

sociologists Farrell

anger

at

As

relate

it

partly to the family's

the wife moves toward increased autonomy, she often

does so in a delicately balanced climate of deception.

Mother and children often form secret alliances

— deceiv-

laughing about, and simultaneously protecting the

ing,

husband. The wife recognizes the husband's

efforts

at

maintaining the image of himself as the patriarch. She seeks to avoid confrontations that might undermine his belief in

being in control of the family and having their sup-

and respect.

port

.

.

.

The couples seem more

intent

on

not hurting or on protecting each other than sharing experiences.

The husband is thus denied an opportunity to come to terms own life. That seems one price of the pattern of paternal

with his

intimacy.

This sort of truce felt

toward the

is

utilized partially to control the anger

man by

his wife

and children. No longer

fearful of him, as they often reported themselves to lier in the family's history, the

be ear-

accumulated resentment can

become an explosive force in the family. It is expressed among the children, half-whispered asides, and an awareness that "the old man" no longer has the through jokes

95

FINDING OUR FATHERS

emotional strength

to

This very weakness

them.

stifle

evokes a sense of disdain, but also of

And what

pity.

11

are the consequences in such a family?

for father as

he ages sets the stage

vulnerability.

The wounded

father

The disdain

for the son's terror of

male

passed on from generation

is

to

generation in the fear that underneath the brittle strength of father

a secret weakness.

lies

The Family as Mother There

is, finally,

another kind of loss husbands struggle with when

their wives go to work: the rearrangement of the family

may touch

on separation issues with mother, evoking earlier points

in the life

cycle

when boys had

mother provided,

to let go of the caring that

perhaps before they were ready.

Henderson

Let's return to Mr.

for

an

he

illustration, as

first

ex-

presses puzzlement about the undercurrent of sadness in him: "Shit,

I

can't believe I'm saying this

Democrat. I'm just not comfortable with

— a proud,

white liberal

this relationship as equals.

in what she's done, and I'm proud of it. paycheck she brings home. I think she's happier and productive, I just had no idea what the effect on me would be." I

do believe intellectually

I

like the

With a shy smile, as

if

cornered, he acknowledges his depression

and anger. "I'm 10 pounds heavier used

to

have the motivation

home

this year,

and angry about

run a great deal, but I've stopped doing to

do

it.

I

feel

I

that.

I

it.

I

just don't

provoke most of the arguments

who

is unhappy, more frustrated, making demands." His eyebrows arch questioningly again as he

at

these days. I'm the one

returns to his wife: "Betty's happy, the kids are happy."

He

speaks like many

and wife as one

men

his age

who tend

to

group the kids

unit, himself another, separate. Farrell

and Rosen-

berg noticed that too: [T]he most

common

the wife

the central point in the communication net-

is

family constellation

96

is

one

in

which

Of Working Wives and Men's Loneliness

work of the

family.

We

repeatedly hear that both the chil-

dren and the husband see her as the one who "understands

them" and who

listens to their central concerns.

She

is

perceived as the primary source of warmth and support in

Her

the family unit.

position also gives her an opportunity

form coalitions with the children. 12

to

The husband is indeed often on the periphery; the wife becomes Mother to more than her children. Clearly, Mr. Henderson feels lonelier in the home now. He little left out or passed by, unnecessarhe speaks of being "10 pounds heavier," noting that "I

spoke earlier of feeling "a ily."

When

used

to

run

at midlife

last year,

tion, struggling

The

but

stopped," he sounds

I

with signs of depression

when he

Henderson showed

like

all

many men

afternoon oc-

said that his wife's working leaves

"neglected," a word that implies purposeful

He knows

—

in the midst of a grief reac-

with a sense of loss.

strongest feeling Mr.

curred

—

harm

his wife isn't purposely hurting him.

him

feeling

or inattention.

His goodwill

is

The marriage counts to both of them. The sense of neglect stems from a more unconscious, deeper sense of something painful being done to him by his wife's absence. So he

clear,

and so

is

speaks of being

He

is

hers:

"left

out" of his family's attention, unnecessarily.

expressing the sense of separation as punishment, the con-

fused feeling of something harmful or punishing being done to him

when

his wife's attention shifts off him,

when she becomes more

autonomous and independent.

As Mr. Henderson and I talk, the afternoon sun moves low in the sky. The artificial fire in his office fireplace casts a warm glow against the gray day

beyond the windows. He rumpled.

his knees, his tailored suit

He

sits

with elbows on

hardly notices, deep in

concentration, remembering something, pondering slowly

makes an important

association.

He comes

it.

Then he

closer to his

truth at age forty:

"My mother

died

when

I

was young. Cancer, quite suddenly. Or

97

FINDING OUR FATHERS

seemed

it

things, to

very sudden.

all

my

and empty. I'm sensitive

He

Perhaps I'm oversensitive

to these

wife going to work, to the house seeming so lonely to loss.

want

I

my

wife around."

associates his wife's going to work with the death of his

A

mother.

time

when

the warmth and light went out of his

life,

leaving him feeling lonely and abandoned. Not that he treats his

— he

is

a competent, decisive man, able to

move ahead

in

her

wife like his mother

help his wife

life.

It is

rather that the experi-

ence of a strong wife, with interests of her own and a separate loss, abandonment, havsomeone important leave. For many men our adult families come to substitute for mother, and we look to our wives for what we had to give up in separating from her. Lacking a rich sense of

identity,

evokes feelings associated with

ing

father as an emotional presence in the family,

up

in a position similar to their

be

different.

The

own

fathers'

at

British psychoanalyst Elliot Jacques reminds us that the

changes of midlife return many people

life

"the infantile depressive position,"

when

Mother. 13 Given the pressure boys feel to identify

often carrying

home, men wind even as they strive to

around instead a memory of father "babied"

with

their

—

fathers

or

—

if

to

what he

calls

depended on detach from women and the world

fathers

themselves are too

"wounded" with a father-surrogate, I suspect there is considerable grief and loss associated with letting go of mother as a child and home as a

late adolescent, before

being ready

being

to leave

cared for and to become an "adult." There are few words in English with as

much

emotional resonance as "home."

eagerly says "going home, going

he

is

home"

in his

scrappy

When little

E.T.

voice,

touching the deepest longings of the adults in the audience

as well.

When some men make

the young adult transition out of their

and families become the repository of home-ness, of mother-ness. Traditionally the route was to marry a helpmeet who would provide a "haven in a heartless world" while families or origin, wives

the

husband worked

his

way through medical

98

or graduate school,

Of Working Wives and Men's Loneliness

member the

many men rea time when the focus

ladder. Like Mr. Henderson,

up the corporate

or

early years of marriage fondly as

was on the husband and his needs. The young husband has the best of both worlds: being treated as a child at home while creating

and propagating "the force."

The

to his family the

family,

myth

that he is independent

and

where he could regress and be taken care

becomes the benevolent Mom, always providing the reassurance that he is the hardworking, achieving man. of,

Acting It Out: for Autonomy

A

9

work may be experienced

wife's going to

band s

How Men Resist Their Wives Push

earlier experience of mother.

Was

in terms of the hus-

the separation from her

experienced as a rejection by mother, an angry or punishing act?

As an unavoidable loss that had to be accepted with resignation? As a relief, sparing the boy the feeling of being smothered by this mother he so needs? The husband's response to his wife's bid for autonomy will be colored by that earlier separation experience. In most cases the

man

like yearning for his

will

be put back in touch with his child-

mother and his shame and rage

be "babied" and taken care of by to

That

her.

is

at the

how a

work reawakens the wounded father within our hearts.

may

wish

to

wife's going

A man

dependency his father displayed in the family or may try to live up to the rugged ideal of a father who seemed never really to "need" his wife. In either case the man is put back in touch with wishes that leave him feeling a sense of danger we might be abandoned or deprived again. Since feel

determined

to avoid the passive

—

many it

of us can't talk of our sense of loss

and betrayal, we act

out.

An how

ex- Army officer, for example, told

close his family was,

available father,

how important

and how supportive

faced some key business decisions. of his elegant

New

me it

in glowing terms about

was

to

his wife

him

We sat alone in

to

be a good,

him as he the living room

was

to

York townhouse one winter afternoon, sur-

99

FINDING OUR FATHERS

rounded by the evidence of a warm family atmosphere. He insisted on getting out scrapbooks so

moving

little

mended

this

man

I

could see pictures, proudly telling

each person.

stories about

for the pulpit,

I

would have recom-

he seemed so gentle and caring,

settled into a mutually supportive relationship with his wife.

Yet she,

some time

later

and also alone, spoke haltingly about

her carpentry work, which he hadn't even mentioned, and about his angry response to that increasingly important part of her

life.

Her hobby since college had been woodworking, and she was trying to turn it into profitable part-time work, with some success. But her husband erupted whenever he came home from the office and found her at work in the basement. He called her work terrible and said no one would ever buy it, and she ought to be ashamed of herself for wasting her time and other people's money on her products. She isn't sure, she says wearily,

and she should

When

perhaps he

isn't right

stop.

a wife goes off to work, some

her, others

if

abandoned; some

will feel intrigued

men

will feel betrayed

by

feel like failures themselves, others

and curious. Men may respond

to their

changing

families in several different ways:

1.

Rage and anger, a threatening posture

either subtle or explo-

sive to enforce the status quo, like the

ex-Army

officer/min-

ister

2.

A

sad or passive-manipulative posture, exemplified

at

times

by Mr. Henderson's struggle 3.

Curiosity and eagerness, seeing an opportunity for mastery

and growth, which Mr. Henderson also exemplifies 4.

Avoidance, by retreating into work or by denning the changing family as

5.

"my

wife's

problem"

Becoming overly instrumental at home, trying to solve the problem" and thus subtly to undercut her autonomy

"wife's

100

Of Working Wives and Men's Loneliness

In fact most

men

adopt combinations of those approaches, in-

tertwining an openness to change with a resistance to

Let's ex-

it.

amine two instances where husbands are dealing with a wife's push for autonomy within the marriage. Each illustrates how men act out their anger at their wives; in the

and

in the second,

father in his

The A

by fleeing

case within the marriage

work and avoiding the wounded

to

own childhood.

Man Who Insulated His

middle-aged couple

me

first

for counseling.

is sitting

The wife

auburn hair arranged

is

in

Wife's

my

office,

a perky

She

in a neat bun.

degree in education. Her husband

is

Study having come

woman is

to see

in her forties, her

back getting a master's

the owner and president of

an executive placement agency. Their youngest son has begun college this

fall,

leaving the house empty of children for the

more than twenty

in

years.

first

With the intent of celebration and a

sense of drama, husband and wife both took time off to

him to his college in California. They dropped their son off, getting him

On

freshman dorm.

in the

time

set

up

home she

the flight

in his

fly

with

new home

chatted eagerly of

new semester about to begin in her graduate school. She felt the trip home was a monologue: "All the way back to Boston my husband moped and seemed withdrawn, and we really couldn't talk. I pressed him, but he just said that he felt sad and didn't know why. It bothered me that he the

was so down, because in college, childcare for quite a while:

I

felt ecstatic.

was done! Now

I

Here was our last son set up could do what I'd wanted to

concentrate on graduate school."

Graduate school was a big step

for her.

She was nervous about

leaving her house during most days of the week. She most of

wanted

to get the

all

house organized and clean before beginning

classes.

So what does her husband do?

home

He

begins an enormous, dusty

project in their town house: to insulate the walls

101

and ceilings

FINDINC OUR FATHERS

of her study for the winter.

where,

The

come down,

walls

dirt eagerly infiltrating the entire

house.

her when she suggests she'd rather he didn't go to

and here she

tools every-

He pooh-poohs all

the effort,

becomes overwhelmed by the mess and loses hope of having things neat and orderly before her classes begin the next week. She hasn't wanted really to interrupt him, because maybe the project would make him feel better. But the mess is driving her crazy, the dust settles faster than she can clean, and soon the whole thing is making her feel more and more angry. She tells him they have to talk, and one weekend afternoon in the

fall

they

trying to clean up. Soon she

is

down.

sit

"This house

is

I

think a

lot of

it

me

driving

project, not talking to

has

me to

crazy, you're always

very much, but

do with

my

I

working on

this

think you're upset and

and Davey's

starting classes

going off to college."

"No, no, there's nothing wrong with any of that right,

"I to

you are going?" mean," she replied

work, and

just

I

want you warm

and when

"you

sitting here studying

A at

I

think of

how

home

trying to

As he

for the winter.

my

going

It's

going to be

I

just

want

to

for the winter." in the wife's eye.

how about you? Are you

these days?" she asks archly.

keep

all set,

cold the house gets," he laughs,

and shivering. Honey,

gleam suddenly appears

"Well, dear,

"your feelings about

insistently,

cold,

keep you warm

it's

the kids gone."

all

"Oh. Well,

—

his wife

feeling

He was

it's

getting colder

feeling cold

and was

warm.

talks about his feelings, a picture begins to

emerge of

his

obsession to insulate her study. The youngest son was becoming

an adult, making the father

feel older

cally that son, very close to his father, to college

about eventually going

and becoming an executive

and more obsolete.

Ironi-

had talked on the ride down

to

graduate school in business

like his

Dad, which only reinforced

the father's sense of rapidly being superannuated, the younger

102

Of Working Wives and Men's Loneliness

generation nipping at his heels. To add to the outdated feeling, his

seemed to be leaving him a new life without him.

too, taking

wife

"I feel stuck,"

he

tells

on a new

role, starting

her mournfully, "everyone

out doing

is

these things, and I'm just plodding along, treading water by

all

myself.''''

Here again traditional

breadwinner ily,

is

evidence of how stuck the husband

these years with his wife at the center of the fam-

all

his reconciliation with his children, the process of letting go

of them, is blocked. to

within the

is

arrangements of sex-roles. Since he has been the

It is

that

much

himself or his family that he

tions.

He

feelings,

has never learned how

much

depends on

less put

them

harder for him

feeling the

is

to

pay attention

words

into

his wife for that. Sitting

acknowledge

to

need

for

new

for his wife

and

it still

who has arranged

his wife

where we may begin

here, a place

makes

It is

kids.

He

and thinking about the thera-

peutic task ahead of the three of us in couples therapy,

aware of an irony:

direc-

needs and

to his

to talk

for

I

him

become come

to

about feelings. That

part of her agenda, not his.

"But what about the insulation project?" his wife asks impatiently.

"Well, do

I

have

tone. "It's felt to

to spell

me

all

it

out?" he complains in an exasperated

year as

if

I'm losing

all

the warmth in

my

now you off to school." "So your impulse was to keep me physically warm in my study, when you re the one feeling cold and lost? That makes me so sad life,

the kids gone, the house empty, and

to hear.

All these weeks, instead of caring about you I've just

gotten madder and madder." She laughs. "You haven't gotten any warmth back from me, just heat."

Though looking uninvolved, disconnected, and sire to insulate

ship losses he was feeling. nonverbally.

It

private, his de-

her study was an attempt to deal with the relationIt

was a symbolic

expressed his anger

effort to heal a loss

at his wife's starting

school and

an unconscious attempt to stop her by disrupting the house

and complicating the transition

("I'll

103

make such a mess

that you'll

FINDING OUR FATHERS

never get organized"). fantasizes he has to

things better,

now

It

expressed the penance of someone who

make up

for a personal failing ("I'll

you stay?")

will

—

make

again, that male equation of

women's autonomy with punishment. And the insulated study warmth and love in

fered the symbolic hope of retaining the

of-

his

life.

This example

but one of

is

many

in

which a man becomes

strumental and attempts to take care of a

have actually

him

left

woman when

feeling secretly in need of her care.

observers have noted that

men

in-

her actions

Many

are most capable of intimacy

through strength. Being powerful, in control, "the force in everything,"

we

learn,

women. When

is

way

the

to

be close

to others,

particularly

others shift their attention, the bond of intimacy,

it

some men will associate that with the failure of their efforts. At some deeper level of fantasy it is as if the wife is going to work, going off, because the husband is not good enough. Such feelings may be the residue of the earlier separation is

not surprising that

struggle boys experience with mother, in which their detaching

from mother and identification with an instrumentally strong father are unconsciously experienced as the result of something wrong

with themselves. feel,

If

the

little

boy had been good enough, he may

he could have stayed embedded

When we decode

in the

female world. 14

the actions, the message the husband was sig-

naling by his efforts becomes clear: "I need to keep the warmth in

my

and you

life,

— my

wife

—

are

it."

His busy, seemingly de-

SOS as if in a Morse code of the heart. husband and wife were able to bring into focus the fact that both of them were experiencing a changed family world and that new patterns of caretaking and support within the marriage were necessary. Shortly we shall consider various ways tached project beat out an In this case the

the couple in a changing marriage can adopt

though,

let s

that

patterns. First,

consider a case in which the couple has greater

diffi-

changed circumstances of their marriage, the wife has gone to work and the children are almost

culty acknowledging the

now

new

"launched."

104

Of Working Wives and Men's Loneliness

Mr. Alvarez: The One way is to

for

men

locate their

Need

Tame a Wife

to

at midlife to

become emotionally impoverished

own emotional

struggles in others, often wives or

Men may

children, rather than within themselves.

attempt to avoid

the feelings created by changes within their families by working

harder

at their careers.

Mr. Alvarez, a high-tech executive in Silicon Valley outside San

Francisco, at age forty-two faces a wife,

which he can see only

in

commonplace

struggle with his

terms of their separateness and her

neediness. They have been married about fifteen years and have

He

two children just entering adolescence.

sees himself

"person on the way up." Trained as an engineer, he of

moving

to a position of greater responsibility

either in his present

company

now

as a

on the verge

and independence

He

or with a competitor.

in his present position for several years,

solved a

is

has been

during which he has re-

number of tricky production problems in his company. is now running smoothly, and he is looking forward to

His division

new challenges

the

that

an anticipated promotion

also wants his wife to have another child,

and

He

will bring.

that is

where trouble

has surfaced in the marriage. this man has been pointed toward cawoman whose readiness to take care of

Through young adulthood reer success.

the

home and

He

married a

take responsibility for childcare promised to contrib-

ute to that success. after leaving

marry.

He

home

He mentions

of self-questioning to

clear.

With pride

him "very upset." He describes woman." Yet the roles in the fam-

left

his bride as a "strong, attractive

were

amount

married within a year of graduation on the rebound from

a broken relationship that had

ily

a fair

and remembers a strong desire

for college

this

man

says, "I've always

been the

leader and she the follower." Despite that heroic portrayal of himself,

he depended on the family as a stable, friendly, known entity

from which

to confront the

confusing ambiguities of the postcollege

world, particularly while starting a

The couple had children

demanding career

in business.

quickly, and he took a position in

105

San

FINDING OUR FATHERS

home he is the mad and shout

Francisco with a multinational corporation. At boss,

and the discipline

when

things don't go the

He

is strict.

way

says, "I get

want."

I

doesn't like anything to disrupt

He

values family

life

and

it.

That arrangement worked well through young adulthood, but over the last few years, he acknowledges, he and his wife have

been "fighting more openly." riage,

it

is

more

He

says, "I'm worried about

my mar-

hostile than in the past." His wife doesn't want

another child, although he strongly does, and he

is

confused by

her unwillingness. She wants to find a job, which confuses him too,

because "we don't need the money,

my

salary

is

more than

adequate." His wish for more children, doubtless coming from

many

sources, seems to spring partly from a hope to maintain the

status quo.

As he

talks of the future, he keeps returning to the worry about

what his wife

will

do now that the kids are approaching the teens

and seem so independent: "They're very mature,

He

they were twenty years old."

it's

almost as

suffers the fate of the person

if

who

must control everyone around him: The mirrors he creates are unsatisfying; the routines

he creates become a prison. Not only does

he identify their marital distress as solely his wife's problem, he also perceives his solution

only one of choice. "the problem

is

He

—

feels

for her to

have another child

—

as the

"bored" in the marriage and says that

that she doesn't want to change." Yet the changes

he wants from her are his changes: The main problem he stresses

seems not to be in favor of his continued advancement The position he is in line for involves considerable travel and time away from home. She is not in favor of his taking on such duties. "She gets afraid from my job changes," he says. Her side of it is that because he is around so little she has little time or support from him to pursue anything out of the house. is

that she

in his career.

When

I

asked how they deal with

this,

he replied, "I soothe her."

Mr. Alvarez presents a picture of conflicting directions of growth for

husband and

Career

is

wife.

He

constructs work and family in this way:

primary, and family

is

a support or adjunct for him in his

106

Of Working Wives and Men's Loneliness

advancement at work. The wife, in his mind, has no separate existence, no legitimate demands of her own to make. He seems

He

uninvested in helping his wife change.

reports feeling con-

cerned, but says that their current difficulties have "all worked out before," implying that real changes are not necessary. Clearly, his portrayal of his wife as "scared of of inaccuracy

and

projection:

He

change" smacks

had trouble with the

also

last

home to college, using marriage as a means new demands young adulthood brought by setnew, transitional home different from, yet like, his par-

large transition, from

of coping with the ting ents'

up a home. Most of

and advancement have been It's not a huge leap

his success

work within the context of a stable family.

wonder

if

Mr. Alvarez

may be having some unconscious

at

to

difficulty

himself with the empty nest transition.

His parents' relationship seemed for this

phase of life, with

little

have prepared him poorly

to

evidence of negotiation within their

He remembers his father as "very dependent," while She always complained to "my mother did all the housework. us about my father." Nor did he seem able to ask about his father's marriage.

.

side of the story:

Alvarez

is

"My

father

and

I

.

.

left

one another alone." Mr.

without an image of an engaged and vital father, able to

cope with family transitions and change. That may help us understand better why, during his varez seems at

own

family rearrangement, Mr. Al-

more comfortable focusing on

work while ignoring how his wife

she change only in the ways that

The sense

of himself as the

fit

Man

is

his

his ambitions

and plans

changing, preferring that

needs and plans.

In Charge

must be much more

knew

comfortable than any similarities to the Needy Father he a child. is

If his

wife

is

certainly preferable to his feeling that way, even

if it

seeing that both he and his wife are changing, facing a as the primary

as

scared and needy and wants protection, that

means not new reality

commitments of young adulthood are waning. Both

spouses need to find new meanings and purposes to move into the future; both probably feel

some combination

of eagerness

and

trep-

idation over the work-family balance in their lives; both face the

107

FINDING OUR FATHERS

challenge of reassessing the past, of sorting out what was important that will

be

behind. Both need to assert confidence and to

left

nurture their self-esteem as they

let

go of their children and assess

and caretakers. If he wife, a husband pays a

their roles as parents

is

situation with his

price, as does his wife:

unable

to

address the

a hostile, frustrating marriage, and becoming too work-centered

and isolated himself.

When we last spoke, Mr. Alvarez was eager to tell me about his new plans to set up a computer franchise separate from his executive responsibilities in a different company. The changing family environment seemed to be hardly on his mind, even while the tension in the marriage had yet to be resolved.

Men

in these traditional family

environments often seem intent

on "taming" their wives, keeping them under control. The women

seem

to

represent an indispensable but potentially uncontrollable

element in their

under control

lives.

I

wonder

if

mens need

lies rooted in their earlier

keep

to

needs

their wives

"tame" their

to

mothers. Consider Mr. Alvarez's devalued image of his father: His

mother complained

to

her son about him, she was subtly in charge,

and Mr. Alvarez distances himself from couldn't solve. Yet the old

memory, as

if to

man

his father,

an enigma he

has that "wounded quality" in this

became the why he would

the young Mr. Alvarez the family

place where strong

men become weak. So we can

see

distance himself, retreat to an instrumental role, at the of his

— own neediness "weakness" —

remain the weak one

to reassure

him.

first

vis-a-vis his wife; she It's

as

if

his

sign

must

mother was too

powerful; in a subtle, unarticulated way, she threatened the boy's vision of masculinity. Perhaps he

same way he came

to deal with

surreptitious manner, in a

being taken care

way

is

now

controlling his wife in the

mother: getting his needs met in a

that allows

him

to look strong

while

of.

For such men, who experienced mother as intrusive yet indispensable, the empty nest experience in midlife replicates that

How do you hold onto someone you desperneed without becoming overwhelmed by them? While that

childhood dilemma: ately

108

Of Working Wives and Men's Loneliness

male struggle itself at

is

revealed most clearly

midlife and the

husband

when

the family rearranges

threatened with the resulting

is

many men experience such a tension throughout any intimate relationship. 15 The tendency to become instrumental and distant in times of need haunts men throughout family life, since a man may lose his wife (albeit temporarily) many times for exlosses,

—

ample, upon the arrival of children as she becomes preoccupied with mothering, or during fertility problems, as she tered on her

own pain and sense

becomes cen-

of loss.

Helping the Husband in the Empty Nest The wife may be that her

volved in the

husband

in a better position than her

working profoundly

demands

affects him.

to recognize

She may become so

in-

of doing her job that she forgets her impact

on her husband. Yet both spouses need

pay attention

to

to the

husband's irrational yet real neediness and anxiety about his wife. For example, the thirty-two-year-old Southern journalist

me

about the "regressive effects of

my

who

told

business trips" on her hus-

band described how preoccupied she'd become with packing and preparing for her frequent trips, so that she paid her husband several days before she to

say he wanted time with

wife found that it

if

me

left. "It

then

—

that

little

he

for

felt left out."

I

him The

she could identify what was happening and point

out to her husband, they could talk over their mutual needs

directly. "If

verbalize

it

we can

talk about

nothing happens, he can't talk about

The problem with the

it,

it

wife's taking too

it,

but

feels too

much

drawing out the husband, encouraging him

if I

one wife confessed

to

our relationship."

me, "as If

there

if is

more

don't, often

immature."

responsibility for

to talk, is that

put in the position of taking care of him again and

in

attention to

was very hard

may

she

is

feel, as

I'm doing the work for two people too

much asymmetry

tionship, with the wife doing all the emotional

my comments we must remember that the

cared about enough, she will feel resentful. So while focus on the husband's experience,

109

in the rela-

work and not feeling

FINDING OUR FATHERS

couple needs to find ways for the wife

and

for the

husband

to

to feel

taken care of as well,

take responsibility for expressing clearly,

not manipulatively, what his needs are during a time of family

change. often helpful for the couple to talk about the man's irrational

It is

fears,

which are often fears about his wife (perhaps

in

working she

him less attractive than men she will meet in the workplace, or maybe she won't be able to take care of herself on business trips and "something will happen to her"). For many men it is very hard to talk of the fear of losing their wives when they become more autonomous. The couple should pay attention to the husband's sense of shame, often over experiencing uncomfortable feelings that seem out of control. That shame is related to men's belief that they must be strong, must have all the answers, and if they feel confused or either their own or their family's or needy it is someone's fault will find

—

the therapist's.

Many men

time are scared that their needi-

at this

ness will overwhelm them or their families feel

it's

better not to

There can help

is

acknowledge

they

let

it

out, so they

often anger that the couple hardly understands,

to talk

it

life

—

it

the post-dependent children/work-

ing wife phase of his adulthood

sense of betrayal by his family.

hard and gotten so

and

through. Particularly in the early stages of the

"second journey" of his

to

if

at all.

it

little

—

the man may struggle with a He may feel that he's worked so

back. Their

own anger may be

frightening

many husbands. Underneath their anger, though,

lie

a deep sadness and loneli-

remember that many men would rather fight than weep. Learning more about that sadness is often a necessary ness. Couples should

step to redefining a vision of oneself and

moving on

into the future

with confidence.

Husbands and wives need to pay attention to the sense of loss and unfinished business the husband feels, often with his children: What are the tensions and conflicts he wishes were resolved now that time seems short? Some fathers need to do a lot of talking and

110

Of Working Wives and Men's Loneliness

sharing with their teenage sons and daughters at this time, not in the instrumental, authoritarian

mode

may be most comfortown confusion, their ex-

they

able with, but rather by sharing their

how they faced and resolved life own children now confront. As Farrell and Ro-

periences with their children, choices that their

senberg point out, "adolescent children and their middle-aged

fa-

thers confront similar identity issues. Their simultaneous attempts to confront these issues

may exacerbate

the difficulties of both,

16 while also creating the possibility of mutual support."

Similarly, the

How

did he age,

husband often needs

how did

the old

a changing marriage over time?

more contact with

negative image of his

upon a powerful the marriage

own

wife. Talking

may help

find a yearning for

mother reawakened as he

may have

father,

about his own father:

deal with getting older, with

The man may

his father or

boyish at this time, or he

to talk

man

feels

great fears of aging into the

becoming passive and dependent

such wishes or fears through within

the husband

come

to

terms more maturely

with those possibilities.

While husbands at midlife often see themselves as different from their wives and children, the irony is that they truly share a common bond with their families. Each is facing the task of redefining himself or herself in the world:

exploring

new

The

wife struggles with

options, her feelings of insecurity in venturing be-

yond the confines of the mother

role

balanced by her curiosity

about new possibilities that await her. The children are launched into college, confronting choice

and intimacy questions. And

and

possibility, identity, career,

some of the same anew at midlife: What balance of work and intimacy do I want? What are the central values and purposes that will fill this new stage of my life? How do I maintain in truth, those are

questions that the father confronts

my

self-confidence and self-esteem through this time of change?

The

father himself, with or without the help of his family,

to

make himself more

may work

isolated or resistive. Yet the crucial task in

most rearranging families

is

to see that all

members

really are

going through a shared experience of self-exploration and change.

Ill

and Rage: What Not Being Able

Vulnerability

Have Children Tells Us About All Men

to

A

Silent

Sorrow

One day soon

my

after

son s

first

birthday

talking to another father, hoping he'd provide

I

was on the phone

me

with provocative

He was a whom I had never met, having obtained his name through a friend. He told me forthrightly how he had experienced his son s childhood as a healing period. A Vietnam vet for whom the dequotes for an article

I

was writing on becoming a

father.

lawyer

struction

and

brutality of the

he took several years

off to

war had been a painful experience,

care for his son while his wife went to

medical school.

We

were having a cozy talk about being fathers, exchanging

112

Vulnerability and Rage

when suddenly

gossip and trading happy, familiar memories,

the

man's words startled me: "Before

we adopted Adam,

there was a particularly hard time in

our marriage."

"Adopted?"

He

chuckled. "Oh,

I

didn't mention that? Probably because

— Adam

it

my son now, and that's that." He went on to explain: "We tried to conceive for several years and never did. That was a very hard time. We wanted kids so badly, and Pat, my wife, never got pregnant. The doctors never did find out for sure what was wrong whether it was her or me or no longer matters

is

—

what. All those tests, and they didn't find anything really clearcut.

There was a time we wished they'd find some medical problem

already, so at least we'd know."

He laughed

at the irony in his statement: the

I

wish for a problem

an answer.

just to provide

knew what he meant.

Julie

and

I

had experienced three mis-

carriages before the birth of our son.

One

out of every seven

couples in this country are involuntarily childless; about one in five

experience significant reproductive difficulties

their lives.

rience

1

We know

when couples

both spouses

it

is

at

a good deal about the turmoil are infertile but

much

some time

women

less about

in

expe-

men. For

a time of considerable stress in the marriage, as

well as personal emotional vulnerability.

Through the faceless telephone the lawyer and about

infertility,

sweet bond. Our shared experience

band referred

I

chatted on

suddenly brought closer together by our

to as the "secret

made us

bitter-

part of what one hus-

underground of men who've gone

through reproductive difficulties."

The could

last of

our miscarriages was more than two years ago, yet

I

and powerlessness of those years. Few experiences have been as powerful and instructive to me. Although I didn't realize it at the time, the miscarriages still

feel the desperation, loneliness,

were most directly responsible for the period of journal-keeping

113

FINDING OUR FATHERS

and introspection that began

my own

at the time;

I

needed time

to sort out

pain and confusion about the "reproductive difficulties"

we were experiencing.

I didn't see it that way at first, and for many months my journal was filled with work issues and memories of childhood, but then more feelings about the miscarriages started

to appear.

Julie

What

and how

them. Reproductive

it

was

difficulties

— catch men by

is

how much my own

to sort out

—

infertility,

I

was centered on

feelings, to accept

miscarriage, abortion,

They seem to happen to women One researcher has called men "phantom figures" in repro-

stillbirth

only:

me now

strikes

difficult

surprise.

ductive dramas. 2

One

obstacle to learning more about the male experience of

emotional withdrawal of

infertility is the tility

men who

experience

problems. Scientists and filmmakers often report that

men who

hard to find

will talk

dissertation by Dr. Tracy

about the experience.

MacNab

of Boston

information on the subject, yet one

sheds a special light on things. "Getting this subject

was

difficult

is

comment

men

a

A

ferit

is

recent

compendium

of

not in the report

to talk to

and demoralizing," he writes

me

about

in a private

moment. There was such resistance. MacNab explains more in the dissertation. He provides an elaborate description of his search for men. His review of the literature had led him about

conclude that "most of the statements we have

to

men and

infertility are inferences,

Thus he wanted infertility.

He

to interview directly

sent letters to people

and colleagues describing the subject, in a reassuring

assumptions or myths." 3

men who had experienced

known

to

him through friends

his research, his personal interest in

manner and asking for referrals, then same time he contacted numerous

sent a follow-up letter. At the

gynecologists, urologists, endocrinologists, fertility clinics, general

medical practices, and university health services, as well as

Resolve, the national organization for infertile couples.

sponded scrupulously

to

He

re-

concerns about anonymity, providing as-

surances of good intentions. Overall he distributed over four hun-

114

Vulnerability and Rage

dred questionnaires in this manner and one hundred more through his personal network.

The outcome? You would think he was "Three months after

distributing typhoid.

of the above stages

all

had been accom-

4 plished, fifteen of the initial questionnaires had been returned."

Clearly something was talk

making men reluctant

to

come forward and

about their experience. MacNab's comments here are as im-

portant as any of his statistical findings:

male

plained that their average

"The medical

infertility patient

clinics ex-

did not return for

a second appointment, often avoiding even the simplest evaluative

procedure. [A] urologist stated that the

men who he

dealt with were

usually so devastated that they could not talk about what the ex-

perience meant to them." 5

Why? What Many

lies

behind that emotional withdrawal of men?

factors are clearly at work: emotional isolation, shattered

dreams, a sense of failure, and a challenge

The lawyer

I

talked with on the phone spoke of familiar feelings:

"All you try to do to create

There

is

to self-esteem.

life is

suddenly beyond your control.

a sense of futility experienced for a long time." Having

children expressed a

new kind

of creativity; not being able to con-

ceive affected his view of himself and blocked the development of

a self he valued. "Infertility

He went on

means coming

early thirties, our

to explain:

to grips with

disappointment. In our

work developed, my wife and

success orientation. There

dren are not involved."

is

I,

a self-centeredness of

He spoke

we had a big when chil-

life

of his hopes attached to the un-

new evolving self. Looking back, "from a personal standpoint things seem empty in life before parenthood." For the husband a terminated pregnancy is a loss, and it makes born child, of a

the relationship with his wife stormier.

It

poses a challenge

to the

marriage and causes psychic stress for both spouses. Reproductive

problems may plunge a

man

into experiences of helplessness,

powerlessness, and rage that he hardly anticipates or understands.

As with most family events, the man experiences the change

115

in his

FINDING OUR FATHERS

marriage within a context of loneliness and isolation. Finally, the experience of

infertility

informs us about the experience of growing

up male. From it we can learn how violence and love become intertwined for men.

As with

we are back to the unfinished and mothers. The man's experience of his

family crises for men,

all

business with fathers father as distant

and remote from the

affective experience of the

family or as having been overwhelmed by

with

it

provides the grown son

reassurance that he can understand and explore his own

little

complicated feelings during such experiences as

tendency

The

infertility.

stay outside the pregnancy event, as father stayed

is to

Our

outside the "woman's world" of reproduction and pregnancy.

tendency

an emotionally remote, instrumental stance

to retreat to

haunts us when we

reduce the isolation we

try to

feel

and

get

support, particularly from other men.

mix of love and anger we feel many men back to unfinished As a man struggles with his neediness

The changed marriage and at

volatile

our wives during this time propel

business with mother, too.

and his

maintain herself during the crisis of

wife's struggles to

he reenacts some of the ways in which he dealt with the

infertility,

demand placed on him as a child mother. As the changing family of back

grow up and separate from

to

midlife brings

many husbands

a sense of losing mothers, so too does the experience of

to

relationship crisis during infertility and pregnancy.

Only I

had

after the birth of

felt after

my

son did

I

realize

melding into one long period of

together,

how angry and

each of the miscarriages. Actually grief

all

and

guilty

three blurred loss, like

an

out-of-control canoe ride through white-water rapids that lasts

seconds but

thirty

How

hard

as

in

if

to say

hard

as taking at least three hours.

6 protectiveness, the miscarriages from happening.

knew

"My

it

remembered

I worked to "save" our baby by taking care of my wife, some magical way I could prevent with my own strength,

my own little I

is

was

afterward about taking care of myself,

wife to

is

how easy

How it

very upset" in a hushed, knowing tone, but

know, or

say,

what

I

116

was

feeling.

was

how

Vulnerability and Rage

Yet the miscarriages ultimately were a healing event, helping

me to come to terms with my rage and vulnerability. They helped me make some decisions about my work and love life that I might made

not have

and

fertility

if

the crises had never happened.

my

issues

wife and

reevaluate the kind of work

and competitive issues

in

my

why

life,

me

experienced slowly helped

I

do,

I

The miscarriage

I

do

and how

the role of intimacy

it,

I

women (my

relate to

wife in particular).

my

With the help of

opened up a very

wife, the miscarriages

of my

life. Yet I am still and extremely productive period astonished how much conflict went on within me, kept in silence during those years. The musing of one man stands for many men: "I wonder if I threw myself into my work to hide my feelings about

reflective

infertility."

In this chapter terial

gun

and

to

tie

it

shall

I

draw more

on

fully

my own

journal

ma-

together with the increasing research that has be-

appear on the

experience of men.

infertility

A Cocoon Threatened The day

of our

first

everything seemed

miscarriage, Julie was five weeks pregnant and fine. All

my

life

been of getting someone pregnant.

my biggest fear about sex had Now that we had decided on it

and were pregnant, as far as I knew, nature would just take course: Nine months later, out popped the kid. Wrong. At the from

my

"I've

office

been spotting

carrying,

all

at

work on

to talk

My

frantic

my

research,

strong,

now

I

got a call

in tears. I

may be mis-

to his office."

about the bleeding.

her at our clinic. As

felt lonely.

and

morning. The doctor says

and I'm going over

No time to join

one day, busily

wife, usually so confident

its

I

mental

I

hopped on a crosstown bus

stared out the window,

I

suddenly

efforts to test the sturdiness of

my

fantasied cocoon of invulnerability and good luck ("nothing really

bad ever happens had

finally, at

to

me") were stymied by my fear

117

cocoon

that the

age thirty-three, slipped away. Years later

I

would

FINDING OUR FATHERS

be struck by a conclusion from a study of fertility:

"Men who have experienced

mens

infertility

adaptation to in-

have

lost the se-

cure and reassuring sense of statistical normality." 7 The city bus

crawled across town, the driver seemingly determined in a snail race. Sitting there

carriage?"

I

I

wondered, "What the

its

is

a mis-

hadn't yet learned that one in five pregnancies end in

a miscarriage, the premature delivery of a fetus before vive on

to take last

hell

own. Since the odds of reproductive

with age, that

is

it

can sur-

difficulties increase

a familiar problem to those in their thirties

who

delay parenting until the biological clock nears midnight, then find

themselves plunged into a shadowy world dominated by the questhey'll be able to have kids. "From the 1960s genClomid generation," a friend sighed at a Christmas cocktail party that year, as a group of us (the "underground con-

tion of

whether

eration to the

nection") sat talking about fertility drugs with the

same

fervor that

twenty years before had been devoted to a different kind of drug.

The

infertility rate

among women aged 35—39

is

24.6 percent,

according to the National Center for Health Statistics, almost

double the 13.6 percent rate of women aged

30— 34. 8 At

the percentage of pregnancies ending in miscarriage

is

age twenty only about

12 percent, according to one authority, and by age forty the figure has increased to over 30 percent. 9

The Wounded Husband The doctor was examining Julie when I arrived. As I walked into the room he was removing a surgical glove streaked with red. Our attempts to make life suddenly seemed to be mixed up with blood and violence. I sat in the corner behind my wife, who was stretched out on the examining table, partly covered with a sheet.

She smiled

at

me

through teary eyes as

"Well, at this point

I

we waited for his we don't know, we

looked thoughtful, and

took her hand.

can't tell

miscarrying or not." "Don't know,"

we echoed

incredulously.

118

The doctor

verdict:

whether you are

Vulnerability and Rage

"The cervix

is

closed, which

stopped, and the fetus

may be

In reproductive problems there

which adds

to the anxiety

a good sign, the bleeding has

is

fine.

We just

is

can't say yet."

rarely a definitive diagnosis,

and sense of being out of

control.

Not

being able to experience any bodily signals himself, since the the-

drama is his wife's body, the husband will often become more focused on her body. What's going on there? What are you feeling? He may become dependent on her for reassurance, which is hard for him to ask for because he (and usually she too) looks to him to be strong. ater of this all

the

In truth there

is

a delicate task here for both partners in the

marriage: Each needs to be able to be needy and dependent to

be strong

for the other.

messages

gets

to

The dilemma

be strong or

that

ways act

One this

men

women

(the doctors,

men

I

faced

— throughout

(his al-

— and

ing foolish,

deep need,

silly,

to take seriously

ask

my

to tolerate

my

intolerable fear of

ways

silly

or out of control emotionally.

compete with the medical "Okay, now, what's

humph." Husbands

really

have heard about

to

for reassurance, to find

ally rooted in a

I

the period of miscarriages

and indeed during successful pregnancy was

trolled.

who

in control).

of the most difficult tasks

from numerous

need

and

he often

when he know what questions

ask about this foreign, feminine world inhabited by

wife, nurses, other mothers) or strong

to

is

to take care of his wife

himself feels a nameless anxiety and doesn't to

man

for the

staff in acting

to

It

my

questions, usu-

seem-

often felt easier

instrumental and con-

be done? Medication, humph,

do have a

split allegiance:

connected with the wife and fetus, with

all

emotionally

the feelings engen-

dered, but also asked (not inappropriately) to be strong and able to

mediate between physicians and wives, who are usually pre-

sumed

to

be too emotionally involved.

Is

one allied as a feeling

participant with wife or as the in-control caregiver with medical staff?

The husband is often expected to be there for his wife. So known about the man's experience of failed or successful

little is

pregnancy that he receives hardly any encouragement

119

to

be vul-

FINDING OUR FATHERS

nerable and to deal with his

and sadness, unless one

fear, rage,

counts the fervent encouragement from childbirth instructors or nurses (women, note) to "be sure to ask whatever questions you

have I

into

to!"

ultimately

me

came

see that the division of our marriage

to

as the Strong/Controlled/Protector-Defender and Julie as

the Weepy/Emotional/Expressive Partner (the pregnant one) didn't

wash.

as

I

was able

learned was that

I

of sadness

too competitive with or dis-

caught up in

trustful of the doctors or

fetus, while Julie

things

becoming

often overreacted,

I

I

my

identification with the

more clearly. One of the go and experience my feelings

to see things

could

let

and vulnerability while Julie could be there

for

me,

just

could be for her.

The husband

will

experience both internal pressure and social

expectations that lead him to assume an armored, emotionally isolated posture. Dr.

MacNab, who has interviewed numbers of men some irony, that "traditional

struggling with infertility, writes, with

gender roles are alive and well in our society."

may be

very useful for

men

to

be able

He

advises that

"it

support their wives with-

to

out themselves becoming overwhelmed by the emotional aspects of infertility (at least in the early stages)," yet

"men report 10 MacNab vulnerability." finding that

he goes on

to note his

feeling trapped inside this image of in-

notes that men's attempt to live up to the

expectation that they will face any situation without complaining or requiring support for themselves

may

serve initially to preserve

the husband's sense of hope and maintain the energy necessary to

continue with

life

tasks through the disappointment of

infertility.

mechanism becomes men's well-being: They become socially isolated,

In the long run, however, that psychological

dysfunctional to

often growing distant from their wives. Medical problems of the

husband

that

may

underlie the infertility

and often the husband to

left to

stagnate,

no community of peers with

whom

discuss his experience. Men's self-protective emotional with-

drawal, to

finds

may be

MacNab

concludes, "in some cases

.

.

.

even leads them

avoid the very medical procedures that might more accurately

120

Vulnerability and Rage

diagnose and treat the problem. The price of loyalty to this role

is

11 a large one."

For some couples struggling with tive denial

infertility

a pattern of protec-

occurs in which the wife continues to assume that she

has the problem even after the husband has been found to be sterile.

In his discussion of couples' response to infertility, Schecter

indicates that in such cases the wife

is

often protecting a fragile

husband: [The wives] intuitively

felt that

such a deficiency would be

seen by husbands as severely affecting their masculine ego

and so

.

.

.

were willing

sensitivity of these

their

to

women

husbands often led

have a

— and

curate.

As he

defect.

The acute

delays in requests for adoption

to

many women feel definitively that number of children plus one (their husband) to

of a child. So

for

assume the

to potential narcissistic hurts in

.

.

.

they care

their reality-testing frequently is extremely ac-

12

finished the examination, our doctor was encouraging.

"Lets keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best. I'm going schedule another checkup for you in a few weeks." pathetic.

'There really

to

He was sym-

nothing more to be done now."

is

So we took our hopes and went home.

Miscarriage as Loss

A

counselor has noted that "people

of a fetus because they it.

a

.

.

man

.

But attachment

the fetus

may

may

dismiss grief over the loss

assume not much has been invested

to

in

an infant begins long before birth." 13 To

represent a future hope, an unarticulated but

nonetheless real vision of himself as a father.

I

did not at the time

formulate this in words, but the baby represented a vision of myself as lifegiver I

would be

and caregiver, a

different kind of

working

less tied to the rewards of the public world

121

in

which

and more

FINDING OUR FATHERS

centered in the private world of family. In this world a more caring,

centered self could evolve. That

— men

vision of self

As

me

the articulate lawyer told

emptier, less important after

MacNab

one kind of loss

I

to take

a loss of a

I

wanted a baby."

fertility

[that]

Dr.

has real

As a counselor of men problems, he advises that "we need to allow

development of male

experiencing

—

over the telephone, "work seemed

realized that

has noted the frustrated "wish for children

roots in the

men

is

struggle with during reproductive difficulties.

identity."

account of and responsibility for these important

wishes." 14

The husband often has formed a real attachment to the fetus and may become understandably lost in his own fantasies about the fetus.

We

picture

kicking, moving, alive, and familiar to us even

it

modern technology many expectant parents do see and hear their babies in the womb. Ultrasound, a kind of miniature television, now provides in utero moving pictures of the baby. One man, reflecting on the "very sad year" of his son's stillbirth, wrote: "[A]t this same hospital [where the stillbirth occurred], with the same equipment, a few days before Christmas, we had watched with mingled awe and pride as the screen showed a constantly moving black and white pattern in which (with the before birth. With

we had been

doctor's guidance),

able to clearly see our four-

month-old son's well-developed body: legs jerking, arms moving, heart pulsating with steady regularity. Tonight, as stupefied,

we watched

there was no pattern, no picture, simply an empty

screen."

And,

too,

we may

vulnerability onto

overidentify with the fetus, projecting our

it,

own

thereby intensifying the sense of loss and

grief attending a miscarriage.

the implantation of the fetus

The hormone progesterone secures to the uterine wall; there was some

question whether low progesterone function early in the pregnancy

was the reason

for

our miscarriages. During those long weeks of

knowing during each miscarriage, I could picture the fetus only a few prenatal weeks old clinging to Julie's uterus with tenanot

cious progesterone fingers.

I

mobilized

122

all

my

energies to save

Vulnerability and Rage

them,

to turn

back death: Surely

if I

did everything around the

house, and got Julie to spend hours in bed, and took care of her, surely they would survive. Looking back,

my own

seems

it

to

me

that

some

and loneliness in the world, my terror of the void, of separation. Males grow up seeing women as the wet, moist source of life. Boys must renounce mother of that expressed

sense of

fragility

Men

psychologically at a relatively early age in our culture.

carry

around an unfinished sense of vulnerability and loneliness from their childhood struggle to

even as they yearned

many

are that

life

show

independence from mother

their

to stay longer in

her

warm

presence. There

events that trigger a sense of Mother Leaving, and

can tap the special rage and sadness, the particular male

vulnerability about separation. Miscarriages, abortions,

and

still-

births are cogent examples.

The Husband's Anxiety: Doing Penance Well,

we did

We

as our doctor advised.

didn't matter.

Seven weeks

hoped

for the best, but

later Julie bled again,

and an

sound X-ray revealed the fetus had indeed miscarried. In had stopped developing by the

fifth

So we were plunged into the medical world of

My

When

all

tests,

it

machinery,

healthy, strong wife

poked, prodded, examined, and X-rayed. Here examinations,

ultra-

fact,

week.

and the human body made manifest. of powerlessness for

it

is

was

a terrible kind

men: watching or hearing about medical

tests,

invasions of your wife's body.

there are infertility problems

their wives' bodies in a

way

different

men

are asked to experience

perhaps from any previous

Women's bodies have strong meanings for men, carrying with them connections to life itself, being held, being dropped. That is way.

a highly charged part of at,

life

men

are suddenly being asked to look

and what they're being asked

invaded, Julie

life

and

to

see

is

mother's body being

ending, fetuses not holding on. I

were plunged three times into the world of modern

123

FINDING OUR FATHERS

medicine,

men

filled

with

its

technological marvels.

watch their wives going through

to

nothing

is

being done

to

themselves. That

things are supposed to be, suffer while they

all

It

is

not easy for

those procedures while is

how

the opposite of

how they have been:

We're supposed to

watch and comfort us, not vice versa.

When

I imagined my wife laid out on the table in the hospital and C after one of the miscarriages, with various metallic probes and feelers penetrating the most private, mysterious parts

for a

D

of her body, tired, it's

felt

as

if

violence was being done to her. Isolated,

besieged by medical sights and sounds entirely unfamiliar,

easy to become confused.

Was

I

responsible for her pain?

my manly function of bearing and defending my wife? How dare I feel,

wasn't ing

I

I

part of

fulfilling

me,

relief that

Dr. Tracy

MacNab

I

Why

that pain, protect-

some cowardly

in

didn't have to go through

it

all?

informs us in his study of men's response

infertility:

For

many men

it

was very

difficult to

through the medical interventions. In

watch their wives go all

of the cases

.

.

.

where extensive surgical or pharmacological procedures were used, the wives received the majority of

this

medical

The men described worrying about the

attention.

effects of fertility drugs, standing

side

by while their wives un-

derwent surgery, or watching with apprehension during insemination procedures.

artificial

membered that

his

One

participant

he had disapproved of turned up negative

Several

men

results.

did mention positive reactions to the med-

ical establishment.

Through experience and study of the

medical literature on

infertility,

they developed a sense of

equality with their physicians. "I saw doctors as

man and

re-

extreme anger when the exploratory surgery

fallible."

This led

to a

more hu-

sense of collaboration be-

tween doctor and patient that gave the patient a sense of

empowerment. 15

124

to

Vulnerability and Rage

Men

I've

counseled during

problems of different kinds

fertility

often have the hardest time coping with their fears for their wives.

—

The husband may just be plain scared for his wife worried that she may wind up physically injured from the medical interventions or gynecological difficulties causing the problem, or else fright-

ened

at

seeing his wife in emotional turmoil, her struggles with

disappointment, depression, or anger.

Some men

fear their wives

never recover from the sadness or psychological pain they

will feel.

Many men during

struggle as a result with guilt directed at their wives

fertility

getting the

is

woman

of men at abortions has Men feel responsible about Many wished they could trade

One observer

problems.

noted that "guilt

a frequent emotion. in trouble.

.

.

.

places with their female partner." 16

Men

will

tend to feel overly responsible. Here are

men quoted

in

a study of miscarriage:

Paul: "I kept thinking.

...

I

don't ever want to put her

through this again."

Tom: "Vicki was too.

I

wanted

couldn't do a

terribly upset

and having a

lot

of pain,

rescue her or take away the pain, and

to

damn

thing except watch her cry."

This difficulty at seeing your wife in peril

is

I

17

not confined to fertility

problems. After the birth of his son one man, who was happy and

proud

to

shock

in his voice,

have helped

me

in the delivery, said to

"This

is

the

first

time

I

with a trace of

ever saw

my

wife in

such pain." At one point in

my

journal

I

wrote about

my

fears

and my

wife's

struggle:

I

keep feeling

her better, as

if

I

I

want

to

apologize to Julie. For not protecting

should have been able

125

to

prevent the miscar-

FINDING OUR FATHERS

riages, as

if it

were

my

fault.

mean, what do you do when you

I

find a note in the garbage written by your wife that says,

happened,

third time this

felt totally

I

'The

alone in an alien world.

What's the point?"

know

normal grieving and disappointment. Julie

is

basically fine, she's just giving voice to the part of her that

is

I

this is

And

frightened and despairing.

bage

all

We

the time,

we do

have talked a

I

talk over these experiences.

about

lot

it

time this year and in some ways

me how good

it

don't search through her gar-

feels to

all. it's

She started working

be working,

to

keep her mind

told

off the

But of course, where does she

frustration we're both feeling.

work? Running an after-school program

rounded by small,

full-

been a godsend. She's

for kids!

So

she's sur-

playing

soft children, at their best,

all after-

noon, then she watches parents pick them up and drive them

home each day off

What

Great!

at five.

a

way

to get

your mind

it!

Seeing Julie

on the sea of emotions that the

adrift

me

problem engenders drives

and

all she's

happen

going through,

to her. Idiotic,

I

crazy.

want

because

So every day she goes

to

I

I

can't get

to take

can't take

up

to

it

away,

it

away.

being a woman.

Beyond a

this

And

certain point Julie's sailing her

emotional tempest.

there

is

Maybe

a loneliness here

I

it

her not

pregnancy and whether I

support her and

watch her and she watches and supports me. But it?

off

make

work, gets enmeshed in the bureau-

cratic infighting of her job, thinks about she's really living

fertility

my mind

I

that's

it,

isn't

own boat through

grow up slower than others, but

am unaccustomed

to.

During the three-year period of our miscarriages

I

danced

my own destructiveness; my wife tapped early cur-

around myself

in a conflict with fears of

and physical vulnerability of and guilt about my capacity to hurt those I love. I did a lot of penance during those years, as if each miscarriage were a mark of my own evil, were in some dark fashion my fault. the pain

rents of terror

As

we'll see,

I

suspect reproductive difficulties tap men's child-

126

Vulnerability and Rage

hood conflicts around feeling capable of doing violence

to those

they love.

The

Husband

Invisible

Given those struggles with sider the special kind of

loss, vulnerability,

male

and

us con-

fear, let

husbands experience dur-

isolation

ing reproductive difficulties.

we

In our innocence

told everyone

we were pregnant

time within days (minutes) of finding out ourselves.

We

the

first

then had

same people about the miscarriages. I'm amazed now to remember how hard it was for me to focus on what I felt even when people asked. I kept wanting to do something, to take care of Julie, to make her feel better. I was helping her up and down the stairs, carrying every single grocery bag up to our apartment long past the time when it made any difference. She let me do all to tell those

that for a while, but finally she got

need such

A man

annoyed and said she didn't

"infantilizing." will often retreat to

an instrumental approach during

those emotionally trying times: focusing on the wife, trying to do

something

effective, taking care of her,

feelings. Julie cried a lot; that

Then

me and

they'd turn to

and suppressing

his

own

was okay, people expected her

ask,

"And how

are you,

to.

Sam?" with

my stiff-upper-lip hand-waving would Julie. My act and their expectations were

concern in their voices. But soon lead them back

to

fully in synch.

In addition, people from

One

prise you. call

whom

you expect support often sur-

thirty-three-year-old lawyer told

me

of a

phone

from his mother. "She called soon after our second miscar-

riage.

We

were exchanging pleasantries when her tone suddenly

changed. Impatiently she blurted out: 'Steve, stop getting Joan pregnant!'"

He

me

with astonishment and explained: "My own was forcing my wife to get pregnant against her wishes and perhaps at the risk of her health. I became furious and

looked

at

mother believed

I

127

FINDING OUR FATHERS

I

challenged her right on the phone, explaining that

was Joan

her mid-thirties who

in

feeling constant grief.

I'm sorry. think

I

how

was

it

felt

if

anything

pressed to have a child.

it

was

I

Then my mother came to her senses: 'Oh, womanly concern for Joan, I didn't

just expressing

must

feel for you.'"

With so much attention and expectation on the wife,

it is

easy

husband to become invisible. A man whose wife miscarried told one investigator that his sister, who had had a miscarriage herself and was therefore in a good position to empathize, avoided talking to him about what he was going through because it was "too for the

personal." 18

Arthur Shostack found in his study of percent of the

men

tremendous pressure on the marriage timacy needs

men and

abortion that

40

talked to no one but their wives. 19 That can put to contain the

The

husband's in-

emoand there are many pressures that change the husband's relationship with his wife. There is the changed sexual relationat this difficult time.

wife

is

also struggling

tionally,

ship that difficulty conceiving brings with

schedule sex

to

maximize the

it,

as the couple has to

possibility of conception or is told to

avoid sex while recovering from a miscarriage, and so on. Feeling like

members

uality.

to

commands

of a trained animal act following the

the medical ringmaster

is

of

not the best recipe for spontaneous sex-

Both husband and wife are struggling,

body image and self-concept.

It

too, with challenges

easy to become alienated

is

from our own bodies and then, slowly, from our spouses'. Because of reproductive difficulties feel unattractive or not

and medical interventions the wife may

female and nurturing. The wife may be

struggling with her anxiety that "real

women have

babies, they

wounded sense of her femininity. She own body. She may feel irrationally angry

don't miscarry," reflecting a

may at

betrayed by her

feel

men,

after feeling

poked, prodded, and yet dependent

the medical establishment.

because of their irrational

The husband

difficulty in conceiving.

nightmares of responsibility

to

still

on

may feel unmanly He may have his private, in turn

cope with:

A

miscarriage

may tap, for instance, the secret wish and nightmare of the young

128

Vulnerability and Rage

boy

to

cause damage,

spouses

may

to

well as a fear of letting if

we

down

the other person.

can't have children? Will

children? There often

may

wreak havoc with the penis-weapon. Both

due

or

is

my mate

much anger and

so

still

Why are we married me

love

frustration

undiagnosed problems or pointing

to

may

commitment, as

struggle with their anxieties about

not work, that

it is

frustration, disappointment,

become withdrawn and

if I

can't have

around

infertility,

remedies that

to

easy for the couple to pour out their

and anger

at

one another or slowly

isolated from one another, at times uncon-

sciously to protect the other from that irrational anger and disap-

pointment.

The challenge

for the

terns with each other.

wish

to "just get

couple

is to

develop new caretaking pat-

The husband and

through

all this"

wife have to balance their

with the real need both have to

reassure and comfort each other during a difficult time, feeling

cared for when frightened and helpless.

Among

take care of each other during a difficult time,

I

many ways

the

want

to

to

emphasize

the importance of the husband's and wife's relationship to each other's bodies

and

conflicts about sex

their own. Often couples will get into fights

—

feeling distant from each other

— when

and

really

they are battling about feeling loved, feeling that their bodies are

okay and haven't turned against them or become repulsive

to the

spouse, feeling the reassurance of being touched and held

when

hurt.

And we

phone of I

shout at each other about that through the mega-

sex.

believe a principal source of isolation for

men

during times of

reproductive difficulty lies in the nature of their connection to other men.

I

found with

men

friends that chances of being heard

and yet it was probably men I most wanted to Having a chance to talk over frustrations and fears with a friend of the same sex may take some of the pressure off the relaeasily slipped away, talk to.

tionship with one's wife. Yet infertility problems to talk about; their link to sexuality

may

may be

difficult

raise competition or

barrassment among men. "Other people do not understand"

emis

a

complaint often reported, or the feeling that "there's something

129

FINDING OUR FATHERS

wrong with people who can't have children." 20 Yet beyond the competitiveness and distrust, isn't there a need in most people for

some validation from one's own sex? The man may find himself confronted by his childlike yearnings for validation or approval or a moment of special connection with his own father, and he may feel as an adult with other men a similar feeling that

it

is

inappropriate or unsafe to talk about the

confusing mix of vulnerability, hope, and disappointment that infertility

brings with

it.

In talking with

men

have the impression that they would like

about

infertility

I

often

to talk to their fathers

about the experience more than they do, even though that wish usually goes unacknowledged or unexpressed. In order to provide support to each other

come

men

will

have

to over-

their discomfort with "emotional holding," with the silences

that have to be overcome to talk about the frustraand pain of abortions, miscarriages, and similar matters. We have to overcome our tendency to want to do something too quickly, mistaking becoming instrumental for providing emotional

and hesitations

tion

support.

After the last miscarriage, a close friend called as soon as he

heard the bad news. This guy had helped us move our furniture into the

house we had bought a while before.

"I'm sorry about the news, Sam."

"Yeah,

it's

He asked

hard, but we're doing okay."

about Julie.

taking a few days

I

told

him she was back

work

at

after

off.

Silence built up on the phone. Clearly uncomfortable, perhaps

mistaking the silence for the end of what the beginning, he told "Shit,

Sam,

I

me

I

had

to say, rather

warmly:

wish L could do something for you guys

move your furniture, anything to help." Neither he nor that just listening, validating appropriate emotions,

than

— help you I

could say

was a form of

help.

Cutting through this tendency to be instrumental, stay armored, to

view caring and human connection as something we really don't

130

Vulnerability and Rage

need, to devalue and deny our

come

human

out of the encounter with

qualities

infertility.

an insoluble problem, one that we can't

humanize

us, as

can many family experiences.

our vulnerabilities in a way we the

that's

what can

It

confronts us with

We

able to see.

can learn

more muted: We can raand protect ourselves from our failures, and we often feel

same lesson

tionalize

may be

—

By presenting us with turn away from, it can

work, but

at

often

is

it

invulnerable.

Reproductive

difficulties

can help heal the wounded father

within our hearts by leading us to understand that pain and vul-

badge of failure.

nerability are a part of life, not a to

A man

can come

see that he can do everything right, try as hard as he can, be

ingenious, alert, and smart, and ass.

He may

life

can

still

knock him on his

learn the reality of his interconnection with those he

importance of comforting and allowing yourself

loves: the

comforted.

He may come

to see, slowly, that to

and love someone else you must be able

be able

to

to

be

comfort

to allow yourself to

be

comforted and loved by them. Those who can barely tolerate pain in

another person haven't been in their own pain freely touched

and held and helped

to heal.

Scenes from a Marriage During a Miscarriage Let us focus

now on

the internal psychological conflict

men

expe-

rience between neediness and rage, rooted in our developmental

experiences growing up male, and rekindled during the stress of infertility

problems.

For us the crux came when our doctor suggested the

drug Clomid after our third and reservations about

its safety.

last miscarriage.

One morning

decision our gynecologist, Dr. L.

,

returned

also the fertility specialist at our clinic,

in the

my

I

fertility

had a

lot

of

midst of our in-

call to

him.

He was

and Julie suggested

I

call

him to try to get some resolution to my feelings about Clomid. Julie had talked to three friends who had taken it, all about her age,

131

FINDING OUR FATHERS

who were then

either pregnant or had already had children after

using Clomid. She had found them reassuring. "Honey, they're intelligent people, not just technology freaks

who

will lie

all

down and

the medical establishment roll over them."

let

was very courteous and patient on the phone. He exme the day before, after my phone call him, but I must have gone out. He put to shame our jokes about Dr. L.

plained that he had tried to

unsympathetic doctors; we had made bets on how many times

would have

him

to try

"Mr. Osherson,

He

thought at

I

to get through. Just once,

can reassure you about Clomid."

first I

was worried about the impact of the drug

on the fetus and explained that Clomid ten days before ovulation and All

it

does

is

I

turned out.

it

is

is

given during the five to

out of the body before conception.

act as a trigger for the pituitary gland's action thus

boosting the progesterone output during the second half of the

menstrual cycle.

"Your wife would have an amniocentesis anyway, because she over thirty-five, so you can be sure there are no congenital de-

is

fects in the baby." Okay.

my

explain was

But what

I

was finding so

difficult to

anxiety about the long-term effects on Julie. Every-

one was so baby-oriented, concern was for

my

wife.

an oddball saying that

I felt

like

One

day, as

we

left

my

real

our clinic after yet

another examination and some preliminary discussion of Clomid, its

risks

and advantages, our nurse, herself pregnant, looked

at

knowing expression. "You'll do anything to have a child, wouldn't you?" The nurse was expressing a hidden bond between women. I was stunned, and I knew too that I wouldn't "do

Julie with a

that included potentially severe

anything"

if

Now

have a child

I

that

felt

I

I

uncomfortably pulled along by what

wife's primal desire to reproduce.

ran through

me

as

I

danger

to

my

body.

feel differently, but at the time, pre-baby,

A

felt at

resentment

times like

at the

my

baby focus

talked to Dr. L.

"She may experience some discomfort

in the ovaries,"

he pa-

tiently explained.

"How

about long-term effects?"

132

I

rushed on.

He sounded

so

Vulnerability and Rage

patient

and calm,

than me,

felt

I

a cauldron of fears. He's a year younger

realized with a shock, yet I feel about eight years old.

I

it's been given in Europe for the last twenty-five years." "Have studies been done to prove its safety?" but he felt very confident it was safe. He then Well no

"Well,

.

.

.

.

me some

gave

.

.

other facts that looked reassuring but basically in-

volved leaps of faith, e.g., Clomid was originally used to treat

how can

breast cancer, so

it

be carcinogenic? (But how about

ra-

and chemotherapy, which destroy cancer but are themselves Enemy Number 1 of anyone who is healthy?) Yet I was getting his point: Clomid solves a short-term problem, but we just diation

know about the long term effects, though everyone is acting we did. Dr. L. was sympathetic he had even found time to

don't

as

if

me on

call

his

day

off

—

— and

confident, but at that point all led

down

be

to

could think was that you can be

I

the garden path by a sympathetic guide as well as a

His willing friendliness, though, was a

hostile one.

end he

me

could sense he wanted

I

"You know, you want

said,

to

At the

relief.

have a baby, don't you, and

you're both in your late thirties?" Julie

was

in the living

room when

I

got off the phone.

We

sat

on

the sofa in our favorite position, our feet intertwined.

"You were on the phone the two of you,

to talk just

"A "I

to

an hour! Amazing. Did

it

help

man?"

little."

would

like to go

"Mmmn. ...

I

ahead and

guess

miscarry again without "If

for half

man

I

so.

He

try

it.

Are you willing?"

said the odds are high that we'd

it."

didn't have any feelings either way,

would you

try

again

without it?"

"Maybe. "Look,

We might go to other doctors, look around more." my body and I have no faith in acupuncture

it's

herbal remedies, and doctors

who say they have

they have treated two people. Dr. L. feel

you could be optimistic about the Clomid?

first

ray of

hope

I've

had

in six

months."

133

and

when has seen hundreds. Do you the answer

I

feel like

it's

the

FINDING OUR FATHERS

"Yeah."

Her voice hardened. "Look,

I

need reassurance. I'm

make me

Don't

medicine.

It's

I

do

too, but

harm you. Or the

I

don't want you to do something

baby.

have some rights in

I

her body, but I'm connected to

situation

another miscarriage.

need hope."

I

"Well, Christ, that will

terrified of

the guinea pig for your anger against traditional

it.

Men

when dealing with reproductive

argue angrily that

it

decisions.

has taken generations

this too."

today face a delicate

Many women

to gain control of their

now men's entrance into the reproductive domain of may erode their control over "our own bodies." Yet men are

bodies, and life

emotionally connected both to their wives and to the fetus, and they will suffer emotionally

they do not feel as

if

voice in the decision-making.

if

they have a

Nothing, though, will engender

more anger from women when discussing reproductive decisions men have "rights" too. Reaching equitable decisions about whether and when to have children is one of the than the argument that

greatest challenges a marriage will face.

"We

both have rights here," Julie countered. "But you can't

trample me. Have you been able to come up with any decent

al-

ternative?"

"No.

I

need more time

we

"Well, cycle,

it

has

don't have

And

need

I

to

it.

at the

Clomid looked

."

If

we're going to start the Clomid this I

feel

okay about

it.

In fact,

There are always some risks one has

be optimistic about

get polarized into

Looking

it.

.

be taken next week.

to

good about

feel

.

me

for

it

this.

I

to take.

I'm scared we're going to

and you against

situation at that point,

it." I

felt

she was

right.

like our only real choice. I'd already spent hours

on the phone exploring alternatives, but none of them seemed solid.

gave

The physician president

me

specialist" could treat nail

—

of one

New Age

Health Foundation

a long account of the millions of problems his "herbal

but

when

I

—

everything from brain

reiterated that the

134

damage

to

hang-

problem was miscarriage, he

Vulnerability and Rage

rambled: "Oh, well, yeah, uh, China, and

let's

see, there's this herb from

woman from Maine who

this forty-five-year-old

has had

Look, why

not many miscarriages tried it and it worked with her. come in and try it? If things don't work out, we won't charge you." Was that the crux of it? There is no answer. Underneath all the

techniques, confident explanations, routines, good cheer, and op-

money and

timism, no one really knows for sure. You pays your

you makes your choice. Okay, so things pilot.

What made

felt

out of control. We're on a jet plane with no

things particularly difficult was the feeling of

being alone, out on the edge. At the time There as

I

is

no place

for

my

I

wrote:

stand around while she

is

my

terror in all this,

stand around and watch Julie's body

rage and fear

became a battleground,

drugged, and given a

D and C

after

waiting two hours in the emergency room during our last miscarriage,

and she stays overnight while

the dark city streets.

.

.

.

talks with friends, questions about

screaming

by faces

and nowhere

to get out

telling

me

I

everything

is

how for

feelings, they

So ic's

is

it

home alone through the calls to doctors,

Julie there is

to go,

me

I

am

my

terror

surrounded

has been used for

just to

be calm. Tele-

and procedures, but what about our

have not been invited

to the party.

picked up the Clomid from the Community Health Plan Clin-

I

drugstore one day. Big blue ones, 50 mg.

sale, sir," ily,

pills

all

safe, fine,

years, all those smiling faces telling

phones, guidebooks,

drive

Underneath

and

got out

I

she smiled

at

my

me, "your

"Isn't that great!

lar."

Wow,

I

wallet

for

girl

rang up the

bill.

"Oh, no,

wife's insurance covers this."

Cheer-

Gee, the whole thing only costs you one dol-

wondered, and an arm and a leg?

About a month head

The

and handed her a big

after Julie started taking Clomid, things came to a me, and brought on feelings of helplessness I can only

135

FINDING OUR FATHERS

my

associate with being a child, perhaps with the last time in

childhood when

my

and anger were so

love, neediness,

fiercely

welded together.

was away

weekend, both Saturday and Sunday, at a required departmental workshop. I felt cold, abandoned. I thought Julie

that

about going to our place in

cided to work on an

New Hampshire

focus on the writing. In the afternoon I'd

needed

alone. Instead

Nothing came of that

article.

I

either.

de-

I

couldn't

I

buy some clothes

set out to

bought nothing, just wandered around

for a while but

—

Cambridge until evening. It's odd I wanted to give myself something, some sustenance, a shirt, a record, a book, anything, but couldn't get myself to do it, as if I were undercutting my own efforts to feel better.

On Sunday came an upsurge of pain me by surprise. It had started a

took

decades of running. the problem. that

Sunday

generally fine

is

was walking with a

hurting too.

and he

I

was grousing about

Sam,

said, "Well,

your back.

I

it

to

feel for

I

if I

friend,

aching merely from walking. Not only

which

right knee,

few years back, after two

been seeing a physical therapist

I'd

The knee I

my

from

But

it.

and the knee started

that, but

my

to sort out

don't run on

my back

started

friend, himself a runner,

your knee and

all,

but not for

think that's just psychosomatic. You've always been

sensitive in the back."

He was

trying to be reassuring but failed to

Men

empathize: Mental pain wasn't part of the equation for him. will often somaticize their

pain as a way of getting comfort when

they are hurting mentally.

We

we

present physical complaints

when

are seeking emotional nurturance and reassurance.

For the rest of that weekend

body

What

falling apart?

if

was obsessed with

I

my back

symptoms, shooting pain down the Immobilized in bed for days on end Julie got

by the time

.

back Monday morning, but I

saw my

worse. Perhaps

Then

legs, .

Julie

last client,

all that sitting,

and

I

fear:

Was my

suddenly went, with

.

numbness

the

?

I

was

about 8 P.M.,

still

depressed, and

my back was

listening to clients,

really

had done

started sparring before going to bed.

136

all

in the feet?

it.

I

was

Vulnerability and Rage

grumpy, pretty impossible

really

phernalia

I

to

be with.

I

got out all the para-

had developed over the years to deal with muscle pain,

which drives Julie crazy: hot pad, extra pillows, oil to massage the muscles the way the therapist had shown me. Julie was trying to read in bed before going to sleep after a very busy day, of

all

and there

I

was setting up a

battlefield hospital. If

could have

I

how to strap myself into traction I would have done it. I was mumbling about the relative virtues of ice versus heat on joint problems when she reached the end of her rope. Peering over figured out

her book, she said:

"Are you sure back

such a big deal?

it's

and

in exercise class

it

was pissed. "Great, thanks a

I

my back

isn't falling

I

mean,

I've strained

my

goes away in a few days." that helps!

lot,

How

do

I

know

apart like our friend Alice's?" (She was strug-

gling at that time with a disc

problem and spent most of her time

in bed.)

"But you take great care of your back," offered

my

rational wife.

"You're too sensitive to your body anyway. Look at you with

all

those oils and treatments and books. Are you in the running for

hypochondriac of the month?" Well! That was the limit! Mustering tones

I

me, or

could,

I

at least

said reasonably, "Look,

have some sympathy.

I

all

why

am

the hurt, guilt-making can't

you just reassure

in pain,

you know."

A pained look came over Julie's face. "Yes, I know, you're right. When I have ailments you just take care of me without criticizing. How many times have you rubbed my back, let me just It

fall

worked.

asleep lying on your chest while you soothed

We

me

." .

.

made up; we were both tired and turned over and we had just danced around several dilemmas. How do you make your anxiety known to someone who is busily trying to keep her own similar feelings under control? Perhaps went

kissed and

to sleep. Yet

Julie didn't really like

way

I

want

was asking

too disturbing for her.

of

me

didn't really

to

hear

me

And

want

at that point,

because

for comfort,

my

even

about that childlike way

to ask.

I

in the child-

pain and fear were I

did ask: Part

harbored a secret anger that she

137

FINDING OUR FATHERS

didn't

my

massage

my

ask;

do other

back,

make

the pain go away. But

resentment was an old pet

men

I

ask for help of an emotional nature

—

career advice, but simple holding and caring?

growing up, such neediness so often led sense of failure that now of others

when they

The next

day,

"Here where

am

I

to

not financial or

When we

were

embarrassment or a

self-punishing or punishing

mood,

to see

you

went

I

my

Michael,

to see

aches and pains. Petulantly

I

almost a year now, and

for

bad shape as ever."

I? In as

How

was fuming.

been coming

I've

would not

and needy.

in a terrible

still

physical therapist.

men become

feel helpless

I

didn't want to give up.

I

my

described

demanded, "What can

variety of

my

do about

I

back?"

He saw

the death- warmed-over look on

my

face, took a

deep

breath, and said, "I want to talk about your back and your knee.

But

I

we need

think

in real pain.

to

How

The

feeling of a

take

it

the

away,

human

and

me

reasoned

what lurked

that

hurt, trying

almost like forgiveness, an invitation back into softly with the rage

and with the fear

at myself,

telling

It

begin with a massage. You sound like you're

if I massage and you talk?" hand on my back, working on the

felt

race.

to

about

I

I

against Julie

felt

felt at that rage.

in darkest

It

was also

consciousness could be ad-

mitted to the light of day.

There are so few times when men actually touch and hold each other. Michael's

pain

I

felt;

and

response to it

my

obvious need validated for

came from another man. The theme ally

by other

the

of wanting to be held emotion-

men keeps coming up

emotional growth.

me

was particularly important that this response

It

in

men's accounts of their

has nothing to do with homosexuality;

needn't be a physical holding.

It is

it

an emotional holding. At some

men's workshops the participants hold each other's heads in their hands,

silently.

Holding the other person's pain. Being taken

riously emotionally by another

manly

for feeling so

man means

that

you

feel less

se-

un-

deeply about an event.

"Sam, are there any things going on

138

right

now

that are possibly

Vulnerability and Rage

getting focused

your back and knees?" Michael wondered

in

aloud.

The when I and

I

trail,

back

of course, led right

on a piece of

felt adrift

had been cut

off

to the past lonely

ice, with

no warmth

in

my

weekend life.

Julie

while we each

from each other emotionally,

struggled to keep our anxiety under control. That's the price of

and decisions we'd faced.

getting through all the tests, doubts,

Neither wanted to rock the boat with difficult-to-handle feelings.

Couples can be very good

at "getting through," but

then you lose

what Julie calls the "grease" in human relationships, the grease

comes from making contact on the deeper emotional and physical levels. And I'd been cut off from Julie by my own anger at her as well, a primitive, irrational, and childlike anger that I could that

my

only glimpse in myself out of the corner of ried

away out of sight.

to write

about

I'd rather

it.

want

If I didn't

to see

eye before

it, I

it

scur-

surely didn't want

have done anything else, like

fall

asleep for a few days. Anger at someone you love can drive you crazy:

Admit

it:

part of

me

mad

is

problems carrying a child

24 years

old, like those attractive

graduate school. Yet she's

had

to

how can

feel this

I

around and

on while

I

exam she had,

last

just stand

for

imagery out of

On

her hand.

system,

all in

supposed

to

my

mind.

about Julie, with

feel sorry for her

—

all

and myself?

autopsy, Christ

was there

I

to

I

can't get

support her, hold

the wall was a chart of the female reproductive

in

me

it

.

.

.

and then we're

later.

wants a young womb, unsullied by doctors

and needles and the sadness of out: that is

wishes she were

teach every day in

the pains she's taken

clear detail in black and white

be romantic about

Something

all

me I

example, a hurtful biopsy of uterine

tissue to test for something. Biopsy that

women

go through for both of us,

That

being 38 and having

at Julie for

to term. Part of

what women are

for,

failure.

A

part of

me

still

cries

the image of perfection, beauty;

tension-releasing, not tension-making, bringing softness and ecstasy into your

life,

not scaring you by being sick, leading you

139

FINDING OUR FATHERS

into the realistic nightmare of blood, internal

exams, and repro-

ductive charts, into a world that has never been yours. Walking

we are constantly reminded of what women are They smile at us, movie stars, young actresses, beauty and pleasure that could change your life, not

past newsstands

supposed singers,

to be.

with love as

we know

it

but with a transformation into eternal

bliss.

Does every man have trouble coming to terms with the reality women as opposed to the illusion that within the love of a

of

woman

lies all

we need

dane? Compared

to get along, to take us out of the

to this illusion,

hyped up

falsely

by media merchants, every woman, as a friend once said is

Ridiculous, absurd. I'm furious with myself for even

harboring this illusion. The whole thing comes

a boomerang returning

to its

owner.

I

accuse myself:

into this, Julie, I'm sorry." In the next breath

got

me

me,

of having to nurture

selves

I

momen-

me

like

"I got

you

at

accuse her: "You

into this."

Into what? Into the hard

away from our

There

is

work of keeping a relationship going,

and support each illusions of

behavior of a

little

what

I

my mind

adult

weaning our-

life

would be.

this helpless,

sees

it

poor-me

as resembling the

kid who's been abandoned, who's lost the sole

source of nurturance in his

my my mind

wrote in

thoughts ran through

other, of

how easy

something so childish about

stance; the rational side of

is

to

ultimately a disappointment.

tarily

Such

mun-

and forever

life:

his

mommy.

journal during those days. Similar in Michael's office.

"Can you understand," I said to Michael, rising up on one elbow from the massage table, desperate for my confessor to allow me my sins, "that I can love Julie and be angry at her?" Michael nodded in agreement and said, "Sam, you're a man; has it ever occurred to you that you may be holding some of your pain in your knees and your back. Is there some way you can get the warmth you want from Julie? Tell her you need some time to talk together and that maybe what you have to say will sound like

140

Vulnerability and Rage

a kid for a few

moments but you want her

are things you need "Easy for him to

anyway, there

to listen

to get out."

he doesn't have

say,

to

do

thought, as

it," I

and I sat talking over a glass of wine later that evening. How the hell was I going to tell her about this pile of sludge that had built up? "This ain't the time" an insistent scared voice kept whis-

Julie

my

pering in

And

When

head.

"Some other

the right time?

is

time."

felt so sleepy.

I

"How's your back feeling?" Julie asked. "Better.

some

And

Michael really helped.

stuff,"

I

need

to talk to

you about

hurried on. "I feel like there's a backlog of shit that's

I

accumulated." "Okay. Uh, critical of

me,

start

a

"Honey, I'm upset

heavy?

really

is this

fight, I

—

it's

you're going to get really

If

don't want to hear

we

okay,

it."

don't have to be frightened,

we're both having emotions about this pregnancy thing. If it'll

"Yes?" She looked

at

"Yes, getting upset just ally

me.

feel

I

— and

Listen, let

I

me

now

talk,

want you back.

me just

"When you

hopefully.

try to

say

it

I

I

Why

"Oh,

I

—

hardly at

all

say what

need you.

like that,

do.

You

— emotion-

I

it's

I

have

want

to:

I'm scared. Scared for

to feel close to

you again."

okay. I've been so scared myself it.

Look

at

me.

I

feel like crying

just can't see it."

weeks ago and now want

"It's

as

if I

worked through

just to bull through this

all

from you today when I'm trying

just get through.

We

went on

But talking like

for a while,

be in

fears

my

I

hate to

'army mode,'

this really helps, honey."

and then

not as reconciled to your taking

to

my

pregnancy thing,

and now you're scared. Before, you seemed confident. it

not

don't you ever cry?"

"Okay," Julie laughed.

hear

it's

feel so strung out. Cold, tired, empty.

haven't even wanted to talk about

again.

And

will help us, not hurt us.

you haven't been around

you, scared for me.

I

we

help to see them through."

I

said,

Clomid as

141

"You know, I

thought."

I

guess I'm

FINDING OUR FATHERS

okay about

"I really feel

about our bodies;

I

think

my

We're both maybe too sensitive

it.

can handle

cells

this stuff."

"Well—" "You know, I don't think I'd take it month after month at 100 or 150 mgs. Does that help, to know we haven't indiscriminately decided I should keep popping those pills? I want to try it this month, but not for months and months." "I hadn't thought about that;

does help

it

"You worry about something happening

Her comment internal night

I

my

I

do."

me

from a dark

to

work

to

keep the tears

back

at the

eyes.

"You know, I'm pretty

strong.

I

did your mother. You worried a

ber? About her smoking,

smokes. got

that way."

adrift in for days.

had

I

it

me, don't you?"

a sudden release, freeing

felt like

had been

"Yeah, yeah, of

to look at

to

all

told

family.

So

about her dying, too, remem-

when you were a

Remember what you

you as a kid, and

come from a healthy

lot

kid,

me once

and how she

still

about how angry that

of you in the family, you all felt

it

was so

dangerous." Jesus,

ingly,

father,

ten

My

thought, she's cutting to the heart of the matter.

I

mother's health did obsess

all

We

on her smoking.

all tried to

me. She was always

we had

a long talk about

and me her

last

of us, and

it

centered, not surpris-

stop her

— my

stopping, then starting. it

my

brother,

When I was my brother

one night, and she gave

carton of cigarettes and

we happily threw

it

off

our

porch into the woods. But she soon bought some more. There was

such energy focused on "Babar!"

I

"What? Those "Yes,"

I

my mother in our family

that she

be

safe.

kids' stories about elephants?"

said, as the

memories flooded back.

the entire series of Babar books.

Whenever

store or in somebody's house,

cringe.

terribly popular, but story. In

—

yelled to Julie.

the very

I

first

I

hate the guy

"I've always hated

see them in a book-

Those

rotten books are

who wrote them because

book, Babar's mother

while out walking with her young son.

142

I

It's

is

of one

killed by a hunter

horrible,

I

can

still

Vulnerability and Rage

remember the

pictures, there's

Babar with

Then

cozy, out for a walk, full of love.

his mother, all nice

and

hunter shoots a gun,

this

and Babar's mother goes down. There's a picture of her all crumpled up. I can't tell you how much that affected me, it still does, even thinking about

and dead.

I

dead

Strange how,

.

.

."

down your cheeks

—

—

the gray of her skin,

when you

it

—

all

really cry, the tears

like soft, liquid boulders.

crumpled

Babar's mother

seem

How vitally

to roll

important

young children, how fearful we can be of losing a separation every boy must master his own way. Is it ever

mothers are

them

it

just can't describe the terror of

to

really mastered?

"Makes me want "It

was so

to cry too,

unfair.

And poor Babar

Why

left all

Sam," Julie said reaching

out.

did she have to get killed in that story?

alone."

I

exclaimed: "The mother was so

mean, an elephant, you can't get much bigger and stronger than that! Killed by some stupid jerk who didn't know what the hell he was doing." big and strong and then she was dead.

I

Mothers are extremely powerful figures for adults as well as children, and

men

in their lives.

I

transfer lots of fears about

suspect there's a part of every

them

man

to the

women

that is sure

he

cannot exist without the warmth and emotional supplies of a

woman and

terror of being

is in

separated from her.

doned, starting

at

abandoned whenever he

What can we do

an early age? Perhaps in our need

women we us too much

is really

with men's rage at being abanto

defend and

we seem

constantly protect

are trying to tiptoe past the rage

feel if they leave

alone. Separation and violence

so interconnected in men's minds.

The

child psychologist Dr. Bruno Bettelheim urges us to pay

careful attention to children's fairy tales. "[T]hese tales, in a

deeper sense than any other reading material, is

in his psychological

start

much

where the child

and emotional being. They speak about his way that the child unconsciously

severe inner pressures in a

understands, and gles

— without

belittling the

which growing up entails

and permanent solutions

to

—

offer

most severe inner strug-

examples of both temporary

pressing difficulties." 21

143

FINDING OUR FATHERS

What

"severe inner struggle" does the Babar story describe?

The young

struggle with his or her anger

child's

and rage

at

mother, the fear that his violence will harm her, the child's fantasied sense of responsibility that his rage will

a walk. There

mother

harm mother. Babar,

was out taking him for a key page: the scene of Babar weeping over his

after all, leads his is

into the trap, she

dead mother, the hunter running toward them

(a

decidedly phallic

hunter with his mushroom-capped, circumcised head). This story charts the male

life

course in a few simple pictures. After the

death of his mother, Babar runs from the hunter and finds himself in a little

town

far

inhabited.

And

in that town, so

from the lush, timeless, maternal jungle he

many

things interest Babar! Es-

pecially the grown-ups he sees, the male elephants in fine clothes.

He buys some in spats

too,

and then looks

and a three-piece

suit,

like

an

idiotic

elephant dressed

taking lessons from teachers, and

generally joining the world of automobiles, department stores, and schools, of doing

and accomplishing. Yet "he does often stand

at

when he same he gets

the window, thinking sadly of his childhood and cries

remembers

his mother."

I

bet he does, but just the

on with the job of becoming a good

What we rate

see here

is

little

male elephant.

an enactment of the boy's struggle

from mother. Note that the separation

is

up with the murder

violence: Babar grows

sepa-

to

accomplished through of his mother.

Who's

doing the murdering? Society, Dad, the asexual "civilized" school-

marm who really,

takes him in

—

but at root the tale

young boy,

in

Babar himself? All of those forces

or

is it

is

describing an inner fantasy within the

which he leaves behind femininity

for masculinity

by "destroying" mother: degrading and rejecting femininity, and hyperidentifying with masculinity.

The renunciation

of

women

is

an essential part of accomplishing

a successful male gender identity. Yet vitally

when

the female world

is

so

important to the child, the masculine world represented

so heavily by machines, information, and instrumentality, so di-

vorced from the feminine world of holding, caring a wrench for the boy

is it to

— how much

of

leave the feminine world behind, the

144

Vulnerability and Rage

wet, soft, timeless world of the body, of the preconscious, of the

imagination,

which we

all

the sides of

need

all

to

rooted in humanity? inine task is

When

and masculinity

attributed to

life

be able

emotional holding and caring

We

by murdering the feminine within our-

the residue of that struggle that

It is

a fem-

accomplish the "developmental task" of iden-

tifying with our fathers

selves.

is

and conquest, the male child having to identify with that image

is activity

put in a precarious position in

of masculinity.

women by men, and

be nurtured, nurture, and feel

to

I

suspect leaves

men

deep down they are basically destructive or "unlovable" and that leads us to withdraw emotionally and become silent

feeling that

when we again.

are vulnerable.

And we

We

resolve never to feel that neediness

carry around the

wounded

father within: that angry,

sad residue of the struggle.

A

greatly overlooked aspect of men's psyche is their fear of

doing harm

to or

being hurt by those they love.

worked with and talked ing, often

Many men

them an unexamined

I've

feel-

never verbalized or acknowledged, that they are destruc-

tive or violent.

what

to carry within

A

key issue

for

men

and

in their thirties

forties is

do with the unconscious rage dredged up by the experi-

to

ences they are having in the family. Talking with your wife about both the rage and the vulnerability can help. Otherwise

be present emotionally

cult to

there

is

a

demon

if

it

is diffi-

you are secretly frightened that

inside trying to get out.

Losses that can't be tolerated or adequately dealt with often result in idealization;

have

lost in

we

glorify in a false, desperate

order to hold on to

make women into Madonnas, nation, may be compensation our lives?

A

it.

soft

How much

way what we

of men's attempts to

healing creatures of the imagi-

for the early losses of

poster in a travel agency

window says

nurturance in it

all:

a beau-

woman sitting seductively on a white beach in a soft nightgown, the warm green sea mirroring her flawless skin. In bold tiful

letters

We

above the picture: "Club Med, the Antidote

renounce our neediness

contact,

and

for

women,

to Civilization."

for the caring, tactile

for pleasure they represent to us, but

145

we can never

FINDING OUR FATHERS

escape the need, so we

met

try to

in disguised ways. Yet

hold onto them and get our needs

when we

are emotionally vulnerable

we

feel the rage and fear of having our neediness exposed.

That is

is

the consequence of a childhood pattern in which mother

the emotional caretaker and father a distant, instrumental

ure.

For

men

today family

life

is

fig-

disrupted not just by painful

events like infertility but also by joyous ones like successful preg-

nancies and the transition to parenthood.

we need

to

pay

And

in

each case

attention to the husband's silent struggle with his

neediness and rage.

146

The Empty Urn:

Do Men Get Pregnant Too?

A Husband

at the Amniocentesis

During the seventeenth week of pregnancy at

my

wife and

I

arrived

the hospital, clutching our forms, to keep our appointment for

an amniocentesis. After three miscarriages we had past the

first

trimester. Yet

we were

still

hopes, afraid of again being disappointed. hospital entrance as

if

finally

made

it

treading lightly on our I

walked through the

on tiptoes, not wanting

to attract attention

to ourselves.

An an's

amniocentesis involves inserting a needle through the

abdominal wall

into the amniotic sac to take a

wom-

sample of

fluid

containing cells discarded from the fetus. Cells obtained in that

way allow

for genetic testing for birth defects.

147

Although considered

FINDING OUR FATHERS

a routine procedure for pregnant

A

ocentesis has risks.

women over thirty-five, an amnimay be induced, but, particu-

miscarriage

larly as the parents get into their late thirties, as

must be weighed against the increasing

(We had engaged,

too, in a

more

we were,

terrible, ultimately futile

to

we were about

abort? After four years of trying to have a child,

ready to take whatever we'd get.) The amniocentesis

went well, we could

mental

we agree

calculus: If there was evidence of birth defects, would

last hurdle: If all

that risk

possibility of birth defects.

felt like

the

permit ourselves to

finally

believe in this pregnancy.

At the hospital we checked into the radiology department test.

The

him.

Was he

my

for the

showed her where to change into her surgical gown, then looked at me and warned: "It's all right if you want to accompany your wife for the test, but remember, if at any time you feel faint, please leave the room. Last week we had a husband who fainted during the procedure, hit his head, and caused a big disruption. He had to be taken to the emergency room." She spoke so scoldingly, I almost apologized for receptionist smiled at

tall?

wondered. Did he have

I

buckling, head hitting the

floor.

had never seen a grown man ness in

my

wife,

stomach, stopped

How

faint.

me

Her

tone,

than a large closet.

an ultrasound

is

We

to project

womb. Knowing

on

its

is

in a small

man

to

swoon.

An

because

ultrasound,

a piece of machinery that uses sound

monitor a picture of the fetus inside the

the precise location of the fetus in it

when

its

the needle

The ultrasound, though, had shadowed us throughout It

I

tight-

room, hardly bigger

in radiology in the first place

lowers the possibility of injuring

nancies.

realized

and a sudden

used during the amniocentesis.

also called a B-scan,

waves

were

I

from asking what could happen

during an amniocentesis that would cause a

The amniocentesis took place

Knees

far to fall?

embarrassing.

dark cave

is

inserted.

all

our preg-

had been the constant harbinger of bad, then

finally

good, news. Two years ago in this same room an ultrasound picture

week of our first pregnancy positively confirmed a The picture on the scope told the story without mercy,

in the twelfth

miscarriage.

148

The Empty Urn

as the doctor explained that "the

embryo stopped developing after nothing really there." From this

fifth week; right now there's room Julie went for a D and C at 2 A.M. while

the

through the dark city streets,

room

still

I

drove

amnio" brought our unborn babies

for "the

home alone

wet with rain. Walking into the to

mind, and a

made me worry for the living cargo my wife The room seemed unchanged, a typical hospital

superstitious residue

was now carrying.

room

—

insistently functional, decidedly unsentimental.

I

recog-

nized against one bare wall the metal table and chairs where

had

all

sat while the doctor

Julie, table.

draped

in a yellow

smock, lay on the operating-examining

The ultrasound technician adjusted near

sat in a chair

my

we

gave us the bad news.

wife's head. In

the equipment and then

walked Dr.

L., the doctor,

our gynecologist, dressed in his white surgical uniform, a quiet, soft-spoken man. His delicate, dark Asian features clashed with the metallic angularity of the machinery

packed

into the

with the harsh blankness of the white hospital walls.

room,

He had been

our doctor since the second miscarriage and throughout this preg-

nancy; both Julie and

I

feel considerable affection for him.

He

smiled, chatted briefly with us, and then donned his white surgical

mask.

The doctor stood beside Julie, feeling about her stomach area. The technician was seated near the top of the table. There was no place for me to sit except down near Julie's feet, in the corner. Julie raised her head and looked down the table at me; she seemed about six miles away. She smiled encouragingly at me and asked, "Want to hold my toe?" So there we were, toe

to

hand.

The ultrasound technician turned on her machine. There on the screen appeared our baby, difficult to

this

time that

make

and well-formed. The baby

prisingly large

it's

sound picture.

is

often possible to identify

We

out clearly, but surso well-developed by

its

sex from the ultra-

didn't want to know, hoping to preserve the

surprise.

"Okay," the technician informed us, "the baby's on

149

its

head."

FINDING OUR FATHERS

Crowded around the fuzzy screen darkened room, the technician buttons,

we could have been

of the ultrasound monitor in the

in front of her device adjusting

inside a submarine gliding through

the ocean's depths.

The technician found the exact that the needle

location of the baby to ensure

would be inserted away from

it.

Amazing

— one

piece of technology was protecting our baby from another. Previously

I

had come

to hate the

ultrasound for

ments of failed pregnancies; now

The technician looked about

I

loved

it

unrelenting judg-

its

for its protective power.

twenty-five years old, and her red

hair tempered the whiteness of her nurses uniform. She took a ballpoint

pen and made an

where the doctor should switched

off,

she sat

X

on

marking the spot

Julie's belly,

Then, the machine

insert the needle.

to the side of the table,

her hand gently rest-

ing on Julie's forehead, reassuring her, while she waited for the

doctor to begin the procedure.

My

wife's toe

was

still

my

firmly in

grip-

First Julie's belly

was

heartily splashed

and painted with an

orange antiseptic solution. Then a local anaesthetic was applied,

and the procedure began. The doctor, creases around his eyes flecting concentration uncensored by the surgical mask, slowly serted a sheath where the technician had

marked her

rein-

spot, then a

He gently allowed the vacpump to pull the amniotic fluid

needle delicately through the sheath.

uum

inside the syringe to act as a

up. But the large barrel of the syringe remained empty:

rushed in

to

fill it.

A

Very quietly, the doctor signaled the technician ultrasound

switched

it

again.

No

fluid

dry well.

The technician swiveled

in

to turn

on the

her seat

and

on.

"Okay," she advised, pointing

to a spot

on the screen, "you've

penetrated the muscular wall of the uterus; you're not in the amniotic sac itself."

There was a

slight pause, then she said softly:

"Move the needle one centimeter, medially." "Um, medially? You mean to the left?" the doctor asked uncertainly.

150

The Empty Urn

For a dreadful

moment

I

wondered

if

this

man was

truly

com-

petent.

He moved

the needle, inside

its

sheath, one centimeter to the

left.

No fluid. Another dry well. 'The uterus has contracted and moved away from the needle/' she explained. Smart uterus. "The wall is cramping." That word again, "cramp." It's remarkable how some words become frightful to you at particular times in your life. Their sound echoes in a room like vultures circling overhead. Cramps preceded all the miscarriages. "You feel like you're cramping slightly, as if you're having your period," Julie once told me, describing the onset of the miscarriages.

The technician reached over and placed a long

finger

on

Julie's

"Right there," she instructed the doctor, indicating where

belly.

the needle should go.

Her wedding

ring glistened in the dull hos-

pital light.

The doctor seemed unaware was as

if I

chest. Yet

he seemed unaffected, his attention

cedure and the friend of

of the tension in the room. To

were deep-sea diving, the pressure trying

womb

mine who

in front of him.

lost

He

to

totally

me it my

cave in

on the pro-

hardly looked at us.

A

her baby soon after an amniocentesis was

convinced that the doctor had botched the procedure and injured the fetus or the placenta with the needle. There had been blood in the fluid as

it

in the face if

entered the needle.

I

fantasized punching our doctor

such evidence turned up today, knowing

how much rage would

we

I'd

never do

baby, no one blame for "reproductive difficulties," nothing to do? Is there a way to quantify that kind of rage? Is it more than a centimeter that.

Yet

I

feel if

lost this

to

long?

The doctor held the needle

in front of

him, preparing for a third

attempt.

The needle looked enormous. (Months to feature

later

"Doonesbury" was

Joanie Caucus's amniocentesis, in which the doctor

jokes that "we are just

now wheeling

151

in the

needle from the other

FINDING OUR FATHERS

My

room.")

wife was laid out on the table with a doctor sticking a

thick needle into her, a long metallic spear penetrating close to

An image

the baby, unknowingly in danger within a secret sea.

whales, of harpoons being shot into whales

book on ships whale

is

my

child:

of

from a

line

The mother

pulled closer to the factory ship.

Sitting there,

of

had once seen, perhaps as a

I

A

at sea.

mind.

I

I

could not get images of violence and sadism out

was

in

no danger of

My

out, to stop the procedure.

intolerably vulnerable. nerability.

And,

too,

seemed

Life suddenly

fainting, but

I

did want to cry

wife and the fetus, I

wanted

to

me

I

were

felt,

my own

to cry at

vul-

very precious, and very

fragile.

Simply watching was perhaps the hardest

part,

I

wanted

something, to protect Julie, the baby. Yet there was nothing

my

except to hold her toe and support her with the husbands

must

who do

just watch.

And

we

And

While we waited

Why

felt for

we

we

sit silently,

looking com-

faint.

for the doctor to insert the

needle again, an-

other doctor walked into the room through a door on right.

do

don't ask for help, for the reassurance

routinely given our wives. Instead

posed.

I

Trained to do, to be instrumental,

faint.

yet

presence.

to

to do,

is

he here?

I

wondered.

Is

my immediate

there an emergency no one

has admitted to? Perhaps doctors have a secret button on the floor like the

one bank

tellers press

during a robbery,

to call for

help

without alerting any of the customers. This doctor was about

my

and neat-looking. He was dressed in street clothes, suit pants and a striped shirt, with a beeper dangling on his belt. As he closed the door he looked down at me, sitting in the corner, age, short

holding

my

wife's toe.

Dr. Phillips. Just

He

smiled and introduced himself: "Hi, I'm

wanted

to see what's

could be of help." So saying, he slid by

going on here, whether

me

carefully

I

and walked

over to join his colleague, our gynecologist.

As he passed

I

had a strong impulse

to ask:

"Would you hold

my hand?" I

wanted

to

be touched,

to

be reassured. The

152

air

was so heavy

The Empty Urn

in the

room, the time so heavy.

three?

I

suddenly I it

felt

an ache

to

was okay I

I

there two days or

wanted

be held, supported,

wanted that from a man.

But

Had we been

forgot to breathe, felt empty.

tactile contact,

wanted another man

I

I

to legitimate that

deeply about the outcome.

to feel scared, to care so

didn't ask the doctor.

refused to ask.

was afraid

I

embarrass him, was scared myself of looking weak or other

man walked

skin,

armored

by,

I

and

to feel less alone,

silly.

I

would

As

that

away from my of male toughness. A rock. Mo-

my body

withdrew,

I felt

far

my hard shell my need for touch, I felt a familiar anxiety. Is men to imagine comforting each other without fearin

mentarily aware of it

possible for

ing homosexuality?

A

nurse would have held

ditionally

it

comes over

is

to

Mommy

hand, but that

felt regressive:

that.

Tra-

The female nurse

hold the husband's hand, speaking soothingly,

okay, there, there,

me?"

my

always the nurses who do

would you rather wait outside

"It's

in the hall with

leads the scared boy away from the men's work.

there's a sexualized element, as

if

the

man

is

saying,

Or

"Hold my

hand, will you baby? Gee, you're cute when you're nurturant!" The seductiveness of male

fragility.

izing or sexualized to ask for

men

Perhaps

it

will

always feel infantil-

such help only from the nurses, until

too legitimize that kind of caring.

The two doctors conferred momentarily. Then the needle went in again.

Suddenly a

clear,

slightly yellowish fluid flooded the

fluid, looking like urine. One cylinder was and then replaced with another. That one too was filled, ensuring enough fluid for the tests to be done. (Tests that were to

chamber. Amniotic filled

baby as healthy as modern science could certify; twentyweeks later our son was born, three weeks overdue.) "Very good fluid, clear and healthy-looking. No blood, an ex-

reveal a four

He

left the room in search The technician took Julie's hand, moving up to look into her face. She reached over and reassured, "Now all that was perfectly normal. The fluid looks fine,

cellent sign," our doctor explained. of forms

he needed

the ultrasound

to

complete

then

for us.

shows your baby

is

153

developing just as

it

should.

It

FINDING OUR FATHERS

often takes several tries to get the sample. Nothing went wrong." Julie looked dazed,

as

if

she wanted to

and her head and arms were shaking slightly, cry. But it was clear she had taken in the

woman's words. The technician stroked though

all

my

the anxiety

me?"

woman asked

the

It

looked as

smash through a dam. "Do you

out, like flood waters straining to

believe

Julie's head.

wife had been feeling wanted to burst

in a sisterly fashion. "Yes," Julie

answered, looking away and laughing, gently wiping a tear from her eye. I

was

went over

it,

my

wife and held her head in

Suddenly appreciation

over.

filled

to

me. As we were leaving

exclaiming, "Thank you!"

for this technician

almost didn't hear

man had

reserved

it.

It

called

was the

me

by

hands, glad

it

and our doctor

took the doctors hand and shook

I

He

looked

replied shyly, "You're welcome, Sam." I

my

first

my

at

me, smiled back, and

He spoke my name

so softly

time in two years that gentle,

first

name.

The Emotional Vulnerability of the Husband What

is it

a part of

really like for

life that

men

to enter into the

reproductive cycle,

has traditionally been reserved for

vast majority of births

the rate of increase in

women? The

now occur with the husband present, and men choosing this experience is striking. In

1973 27 percent of fathers were

in the delivery

room when

their

children were born; by 1983 79 percent of fathers were present,

according

to

one national survey.

1

Men

are not just "present at the

creation," helping to deliver their children in hospitals or during

home visits

births, but also are

and

tests

accompanying

their wives for doctor's

during pregnancy.

That phenomenon

is

clearly to the good. Research

shows

that

the development of a parenting identity really begins prepartum,

and the

father's

presence in the birth process can strengthen the

bond between father and child and between husband and wife. 2 Yet, too, there is a darker side to modern pregnancy in that many fathers-to-be experience considerable emotional vulnerability.

154

The Empty Urn

The Boston University psychologists Abby Stewart and Nia Lane Chester compared twenty expectant and new parent couples and found that men's scores on a

The opposite was

birth of the child.

ers

TAT measure

of emotional adaptation

environment were lower during the pregnancy than after the

to the

showed a

true for the wives:

significant drop in adaptation level

New moth-

when compared

with pregnant mothers. Stewart and her colleagues suggest that

men may experience change

tion or

the pregnancy as signaling the

in their life,

main

women seem

"whereas the

transi-

to experi-

ence the actual birth of the baby as the major transition." 3 For

many men

the pregnancy of their wives stirs

up powerfully

may be intensified by their inclusion in the feminine world of Ob-Gyn. Many men experience a renewed struggle during pregnancy with their own masculine and feminine ambivalent feelings which

parts of self, as well as a sense of loss (as well as joy) imagining

and anticipating what the fatherhood

The

role will

be like for them.

vulnerability that results from being confronted by such con-

fused, angry, and sad feelings drives as powerfully as

it

draws others

some men out

of the family

in.

modern husband first of all a sense of entering The obstetrical-gynecological service in most medical centers reflects "maternalness." The carpeted floors and soft chairs and couches, all decorated in cheery primary colors, There

is for

the

a feminine world.

are punctuated by

newborns back with

postpartum

by large, round pregnant women, a few accom-

visit or

their

mothers for an early

panied by their husbands.

The husbands

will enter the

medical center with

little

confir-

mation from the environment that they too are in a time of change, since

it

round.

is the women who are pregnant. The women are distended, The other husbands look little different from any other men

encountered on the

street.

Often they

looking over work, having just

sit

come from

reading magazines, or

the office.

As we waited in the doctors office for our first pregnancy I remember my wife glancing distractedly at New Yorker

checkup, cartoons.

I

sat thinking

about a client appointment scheduled later

155

FINDING OUR FATHERS

my watch and hoping

in the afternoon, looking at

I

could get this

over with soon enough to leave time to prepare notes for

visit

lecture that night.

me

My work

felt like

an anchor

to

my

hold onto, moor-

more familiar world. There was an uncomfortable feeling within me as I sat there preoccupied. I wanted to be quiet, hushed, remembering schoolmarms who scold, not wanting to attract their attention. I wanted to impress with my composure. Hey, man, I'm cool. Yet underneath it all lay a primitive fear or anxiety about women. John Updike writes about men's estrangement from the "dark, wet swampy world of women," and Joan Didion refers 4 to the "water world" within which women live. Pregnancy brings us back to that secret sea, the women's world that men renounce ing

in

to a

growing up.

During pregnancies, we gain a different view of a woman's body, not as a sexual playground but rather as a source of first

appointment the nurse gave

while

I

my

life.

At our

wife an internal examination

waited, holding our coats, in the corner of the room. At the

end the nurse turned

to

me

offhandedly while taking

off

her rubber

gloves and asked:

"Sam, have you ever seen

The question caught "No, no, actually

I

me

Julie's cervix?"

flat-footed.

haven't."

"Would you like to come over here and take a look?" The notion of looking, really looking at the interior of a woman's reproductive system touched a primitive fear. Such a foreign, dark, mysterious canyon, leading to where, exactly? The nurse's thoughtfulness, though, provided an entree into the pregnancy.

asked

my

wife shyly

if

I

she'd mind, and she replied laughingly,

"No."

The nurse stepped aside and helped me

identify the round,

doughnut-shaped muscle deep inside the vagina, which served

to

baby from the outside world. My wife's cervix reminded me of a powerful, strong, confident clenched fist. The husband now sees a powerful view of womanliness as lifecreating and strong. The wife becomes "full" with the baby within. protect our growing

156

The Empty Urn

women taking care of women, their ability to and each other. Watching the lifegiving nature of femininity can stir up a man's wish to be creative in a "feminine" way. Decades ago the psychoanalyst Edith Jacobson reflected on why so many men in the course of analysis seemed to express almost stridently a disinterest in conceiving and bearing children. Her Ob-Gyn hold

often reveals

life

conclusion was that "men's conspicuous disinterest in having chil-

dren of their own regularly proves

be a stubborn defense against

to

5 a deeply repressed envy of women's reproductive capacities."

And

indeed, psychologically minded anthropologists have created

a rich literature examining the fertility myths and rituals that foreign cultures have developed to help males ward off and contain the feelings provoked by women's fearsome and mysterious capacity to

We womb

create

within their bodies.

life

buy the notion

don't have to to

see that the

likewise, in a fuller

that the

man may have

way than he has learned

"feminine" parts of himself, and that he "feminine." For some

men

that

man wishes he had

a

a wish to take care or nurture to, to

may

recontact those

see such caring as

can produce a painful struggle with

own feminine and masculine identifications. A study we at the Simmons School of Social Work involved interviewing small number of husbands and wives during pregnancy. The re-

their

made a

search staff heard husbands repeatedly talk of work-related con-

own

cerns or choices, reflecting a symbolic concern about their ability to

cluded: ity to

be generative or nurturant themselves. The

"Womb

envy, feeling

left out, frustration

staff

con-

over their inabil-

share in the sheer creativity of pregnancy and birth were

expressed in almost every male interview." 6 For some

men

the loss of potency in the face of a pregnant wife

can be too much. In her book Baby Love, Joyce Maynard provides us with the description of a

man

struggling with such a plight:

The thing about a champagne drunk but while beer.

But

it

lasts,

far out.

is, it

doesn't last long,

Normally Mark would prefer

this stuff isn't half bad.

157

FINDING OUR FATHERS

He's sitting on the bank of the Contoocook River, out

behind the plant where he works. Used

to

work.

He

has

sixty-three dollars in his pocket, from his last paycheck.

The

rest

went

champagne. Which

for the

is

mostly gone

now. He's thinking about his son,

who

is five

months old

to-

He's remembering the day Mark Junior was born.

day.

Sandy thinks the reason he ran out of the delivery room was the blood. She always blames him for that. She says he ruined the bonding. It

and

wasn't the blood at

He had

all.

What he

guts, deer hunting.

seen plenty of blood

couldn't stand was the

look on Sandy's face. She didn't even look like Sandy any-

more. She could have been his mother, could've been his grandmother. Could've been a man, in

never seen anyone in that

much

Mark had

fact.

pain, working that hard

before. It made him feel like a jerk, that it was his wife, and not he, working so hard. Nothing he ever did in his whole life mattered, compared to that. And since then, it's

as

if

she knows that

cate and fragile.

humors him, day his son

too.

Now

He used

to think

he knows that

like he's a little boy.

will

know, that when

was the strong one. Mark

it

it

is

she was so delijust a trick.

She

She knows, and some-

came down

to

it,

Sandy

just stood out in the hall throw-

ing up. 7

Growing up thinking male power

is

that

men

are strong,

women

are weak; that

conquest; that strength alone resides in the outer

world can lead to a true existential crisis when confronted with the

power of pregnancy. Many men look inside themselves and wonder if

they can nurture too.

Men's more intense involvement in their wives' pregnancies, then, can stir to

hold

life

as

up feelings about men. Often I was

center, symbolized by the life

their

own

to think of

my

creativity, their ability

female holding,

at the

wife sustained within her pelvic

158

The Empty Urn

What, I wondered, is the male analogue of the cervix? Of The questions became more troublesome: Can I as a man nurture and hold others as a woman does? I wondered about the ways in which we may "hold" others emotionally, sustaining and nurturing each other. That evocative or receptive holding seemed girdle.

labor?

very different from the problem-solving, opinionated, instrumental

kind of caring that

a long time masculine to me. The search

felt for

become more "holding" of others was work as a therapist and researcher. The life within a wife's belly presents

to play itself out in

to

quieting feelings:

Many men

my

another set of dis-

still

identify with the fetus

and

find their

own wishes to merge with a perfect, all-caring mother reactivated. Many men I've talked to report a feeling of disconnection, an inmixed

ternal sense of depletion, emptiness

many

nancy, taking

in with the joy they

That feeling often comes

feel before the birth.

different shapes

and

late in the preg-

textures.

One man, who

worked about an hour s drive from home, told of worrying his wife would give birth when he wasn't there, becoming obsessed in the last weeks that he worked too far away from her. Disconnection.

men

Others experience a more visceral feeling; some

report feeling

cold through the last weeks before birth.

During our

last trimester

I

often felt empty, drained.

One

gray,

bleak February day, awaiting our overdue baby, with an hour free

between patients,

I

my

lay in

office chair

idly in the foothills of the

Appenines.

I felt

called for; searching purposefully through

wooly poncho

I

rarely wore.

feeling instantly warmer.

from ica.

my I

I

went

and imagined myself as

Roman

an empty urn tossed into the snow by

soldiers, lying stol-

colder than the weather

my

closet

With a shock

I

I

found a

it

mother, brought back years ago from a trip to South

recognized

ternal figure.

I

my

wish

needed

to

to

soft,

and bundled up, remembered it was a gift

right for

be taken care

of,

Amer-

warmed, by a ma-

spend a great deal of time not only sup-

porting Julie and preparing for the birth but also retracing the

sources of warmth and fullness in

my

life.

Being with a pregnant wife, watching the growth of

159

life

within

FINDING OUR FATHERS

her as she becomes a "full" maternal figure, the

husband an awareness, however

when young.

It

may

ignite his

silent, of

own

may rekindle within how well he was held

tactile desires, his

skin, of bodily warmth, his yearning to be held

For

many men

sense of

and taken care

of.

those sensual, tactile experiences were long ago put

body broken in the passage to manhood, with sensuality channeled into the genitals. As the wife becomes bigger and bigger in the extreme of her pregnancy, the world may feel lonelier and colder. Our own emptiness is put in bolder relief. Hence the wisdom of the Couvade ritual among primitive tribes, where the husband retreats to a hut and enacts the symptoms of pregnancy. He is filled up by miming his wife's reality, completed by the social customs and rituals offered him as a pregnant man. 8 The questions about what it means to be a man and our own aside, the diffuse connection to the

deepest wishes

ways

in

to

be cared

which the husband

and needy, even as he

man

is

for are intensified

really does

told to be,

because there are

become more dependent

and expects

to be, the strong,

woman who is "with child." For instance, modern pregnancy puts many men for the first time in a situation where they have to collaborate with women supportive

in the family for the

(occasionally doctors, always nurses and midwives), often in a

one-down position and a novel situation. Not used to being vulnerable and dependent on women or cooperating when needy, many

men

make their primary alliance with the doctor or will down the nurses even while they are being taken care of by them. For some men used to treating women during the work day as secretaries and subordinates, dealing with an Ob-Gyn nurse can be a threatening experience. From the nurse's perspective, the appearance of men may touch unexpected chords. Many Ob-Gyn nurses entered the field because they wanted to work with women. Many are highly sensitized to women's and feminist issues and now they find husbands there too. The husband is sometimes closed off from information that the need

will try to to put

—

wife possesses sheerly by having the pregnancy in her body, so

160

The Empty Urn

that she receives

He

more

tactile bodily

must often rely on her to

tell

cues as

to

what

is

happening.

him information he wants

to

know.

Often the husband will find himself powerless to affect the situaFeelings of helplessness and powerlessness are

tion.

reported by

during pregnancy. 9

men

Men may

commonly

talk about "feeling

an observer." A thirty-six-year-old male social worker remarked about having a mere "reactive" role in the pregnancy: "She was the one changing physically. She was the one on the There was nothing I could do to make her feel roller coaster. like

.

.

.

better."

The husband

too watches his wife get

enormous amounts of car-

ing and attention, which can intensify his

The

spatial

most medical encounters

The wife

ery.

own wishes

for the

is

such that the

man

is

be on the examining table, her

will

will often

coats.

be

feet in the stir-

Throughout our to

a point, that

and fetus

is

The hus-

sitting or standing in the corner, holding the visits

(though not during the birth)

the edge, the periphery, while

Up

in

put on the periph-

rups, the nurse or doctor standing, attending to the wife.

band

same.

arrangement of husband, wife, and nurse or doctor

is

as

it

my

I felt

on

wife lay in the center.

should be: The good health of the wife

the primary concern. Yet the degree to which

many

husbands become emotionally "invisible" during the pregnancy affects the health of the family

and the course of the pregnancy.

Without idealizing the "sisterly" bond created because are

more attuned

to

each others concerns, the husband

situation will have to express his fears

That

may

leave

him

showing such need

women in this

and anxieties more openly. and angry at

feeling uncomfortably vulnerable

to a

woman

in a

female situation, where

women

could turn on him, making a fool of himself. Those are adolescent

many men never

outgrow. Other

men may

themselves with feelings of being a

much younger

boy,

preoccupations that

find

needing

Mother.

At the end of our three-month checkup the nurse asked, "Are there any questions?"

and a willingness

to

Her tone conveyed both a

reassure us.

It

161

was our

first

brisk efficency

appointment with

FINDING OUR FATHERS

her since the miscarriages, and the farthest we'd gotten. There

were a million questions

I

damental one tugging

my

at

wanted

nancy from miscarrying? The only

was the one

for

which there

to ask, all shilling for the fun-

How

heart:

can we keep

no answer. Instead

is

this preg-

real question, in other words,

asking: "Will sex during pregnancy cause harm,

found myself

I

increase our

er,

chances of miscarrying again?" That question carried with hauling

it,

pregnancy would not once again end what

I

really

wanted

to say:

in

all

my hope

sadness and

how scared we both

again, having our hopes engaged. Sex

men

an armored Brinks truck

like

unseen treasure of gold bullion,

its

that this

grief. That's

are, stepping out

an appropriate topic

is

for

show concern about. Fear of loss is not. Listening to the nurse ask, "Are there any other questions?" the open-ended caring implicit in the question, despite her tone of medical efficiency (artfully, she managed to convey both messages at the same time), I felt like a little kid about to show a splinter to Mother. Having learned to hold our pain in, we pay the price. The nurse answered my question about sex reassuringly; my fears of loss remained hidden. I refused to make myself vulnerable to that nurse, refused to let her take care of me, refused to do the hard work myself of asking for her help, threading my way through the to

medical put-off, the efficiency of our

HMO,

her unease at working

with husbands. I

a five-year-old, an adolescent,

felt like

and an

adult all at

once. Sitting in that examination room looking up at the nurse,

standing there

all

composed and pretty in her white uniform, my I was unwilling to admit how out of control

anger became palpable. I

felt, to

admit

being able

to

mattered to

my

fears of hurting the fetus through sex, of not

shepherd

me

this

that the

developing baby

baby make

it.

I

things to this perky blonde thirty-year-old.

high school flooded

my

to life,

Memories of

As a teenager

it

girls in

mind. Girls, adolescent, standing near the

school entrance in formidable herds talking hushedly selves.

how much

would not admit such

a line

is

among them-

drawn between the sexes.

162

The Empty Urn

There's the rub: This vulnerability, feeling like a leaky bag of

woman seems

hopes and fears, while the

petent, can produce true rage in

learned growing up as

men

to

all

men. The

composed and comwound: Having

silent

suppress our neediness or depen-

to deal with it maturely, we when suddenly confronting our vulnerability again. An demon comes back to haunt us. And where is our neediness posed most regularly but in relationships with women, during

how

dency, not having learned

get

old

angry

ex-

the

new, demanding transitions into marriage and parenting? I

wrote in

my

journal during that time:

Tremors within the male psyche during pregnancy. Women's bodies as a foreign world from which as a boy then as a man.

No change. Memories

turf.

atory,

my in

Now

I

have been separated

I'm supposed to treat

it

of mixers, dating bars, sex as pred-

sex as competition to prove

my

worth, sex as salvation for

The womb a mysterious, dark, steamy bog am now lost. What is my role, what am I to do in this

soul's loneliness.

which

I

Now

pregnancy? Girls as rejectors, taunters, judges, tempters. let's

The

work together!

real-life vulnerabilities

and sense of neediness of men dur-

ing pregnancy also lie in the recognition that they have

dependent on the

As we noted many men are

fetus.

search indicates that

babies even before they are born. too:

How much we

do except

first

as familiar

let

strongly

It is

its

bonded with

our vulnerability

care about the baby, and

nature take

how

little

their

we

there

feel is to

course. Except for practicing the

breathing and birthing techniques to be used, there in the last trimester.

become

in the previous chapter, re-

The husband may want

to

is little to

do

do something,

to

perform, to safeguard what he needs and loves as he's been taught to

do as a man, yet there

We

is

nothing to do.

He must

sit

and

wait.

are brought into touch with what Gilligan refers to as the

"tragic" dimension of

life:

that our vulnerability

and connection

others cannot be hidden behind impersonal actions

mental decisions. 10

163

and

to

instru-

FINDING OUR FATHERS

Men do

nection to the fetus, however,

time in adult

emerge

deep con-

not, of course, actually carry the baby. Their

when they

life

makes pregnancy

for

many

the

first

find themselves actually letting life

slowly, patiently, caring in that "feminine" way, not by

dominating the situation or conquering feeling the

texture of

ones own

uniqueness of one's connection

but by letting

it

vulnerability,

it

emerge,

respecting the

to the other (the fetus, one's wife)

human being. In having to care without being we may learn to tolerate our vulnerability and that

as a mortal, limited

able to conquer,

of others, to respect

A man may because of the

it

a

little

more.

empty and vulnerable during pregnancy

feel

real-life

problems men face

too

in evolving or antici-

pating a fulfilling image of themselves as father. We've already

man

seen that many of the social cues the wife

who

is

pregnant. Yet

it

is

receives say that

it's

the

extremely important that the hus-

band think about himself, rehearse, anticipate himself in a satisway as a father, in a way that feels emotionally con-

fying, full

nected

to the infant, enfolding, as a

male. Thinking about yourself

holding the baby, playing, taking care of him or her, will counter the sad emptiness that pregnancy can evoke.

The husband during pregnancy may how to nurture and father

not knowing

of emptiness in

men

during pregnancy

struggle with the feeling of in a fuller way.

may

The

feeling

arise from the expect-

away from work by the deep yearnings a pregnancy evokes at a time when work itself serves as a reassuring "anchor" in a new world. One must have faith that ant fathers feeling of being pulled

the self as nurturer can

fill

the void created by slowly letting

go somewhat of the work-centered,

each new father

is

Throughout our pregnancy close to

was

that

self.

Within

I

had an image of my newborn

infant

chest, his head resting on my shoulder. The deep fear would not hold my child well enough, that I would drop

my I

the soft package

I

was responsible

strength. Yet the fear to

instrumental

a struggle to evolve a sense of self as caring.

for,

was metaphoric as

literally

well.

through lack of

There are many ways

drop a child; not being there psychologically for him

164

is

one.

The

The Empty Urn

fear of not being able to hold

relationships: that

him paralleled a

struggle in

many

wouldn't allow myself into his world, that the

I

connection between us would be broken by work commitments that I

would allow

to pull

The problem

me

that

is

away.

many expectant

may

fathers

receive mes-

sages from the social and work world that play on our fantasies of

being a bad or "frustrating" father. wife's pregnancy, at

When

a

man makes

public his

work or among friends, he may experience an

undercurrent of loss and depletion coming from them. Of course,

how wonderful for you!" or "A baby, means displacing work commitments means choosing the demands of a child

the initial reactions are "Oh, great!" Yet starting a family

and friends

your

in

life. It

over time spent at work or going out with friends. Without realizing

people who depend on the husband

it,

that his

new

commitment

to their

may

baby. Friends

at

work may want

common work

is

feel rejected or hurt.

to

ensure

not affected by the

It's

as

if

they

all

are

saying dont leave me!

As a loss

my

—

therapist

— dealing

with basic issues of separation and

revealing to clients that

wife and

I

I

was taking two weeks

off

because

were having a baby produced strong feelings of loss

and anger. Many clients come

to

therapy because they feel

at root

unloved and unlovable. Some clients responded as displaced siblings, others as jilted lovers.

Did they count too? Would

I

have

time for them? Each responded in terms of his or her particular character and conflicts, yet each did react, and the cumulative

wave of feelings

—

of loss, of

my

good enough, of not really caring

my own

A

fear of

what

thirty-year-old

I

kicking them out, of not being

—

ricochetted back in terms of

would become as a

man,

father.

single, having great difficulty establish-

woman, had over the years developed a deeply felt, way of making connection to me. Each

ing a relationship with a

humorous, yet

week before entering my office he would stop on the threshold, look at me, and say, half sarcastically, "time for the Sam and Ted show," a reference

to

our therapy as a kind of

hosted. That was his sardonic, affectionate

165

way

TV

talk

show

I

of describing ther-

FINDING OUR FATHERS

apy, so different from the sports-oriented, less personal kind of

connection he was used to making with men. Soon after

my

about the baby and

brief "paternity leave," he

told

him

came up

the

I

stopped, looked at me, and said sadly, "No more

stairs,

Sam and

Ted show."

A week

after

told a

I

middle-aged

woman

my two-week

about

break and the reasons why, she began mentioning how cold the office felt.

The woman had never mentioned the temperature in a now she wondered if I could turn up the heat, seemed so "chilly."

year of meetings, but the office

So

in addition to the

band, there the

may be

good feelings people have toward the hus-

a sense of loss and displacement provoked by

husband s becoming a

Men

father.

of older generations were

protected from those subtle undercurrents of reaction by the Proud

Papa

Because the expectations were not that the father would heavily alter his work and social commitments (although many of role:

may have been

course did), there friends, work,

and family

among

less sense of competition

The

for his time.

father

would therefore

receive fewer messages that he was abandoning others in becoming a father. For

men

today,

many

present in the family, there to

is

of

whom

are expected or want to be

a basic tension between his concern

be a nurturing father and the message the real world may beam

back

at

him: You are uncaring for leaving us for your family.

Staying Safe with Sex and Work Reflecting back on his experience, a thoughtful mid-thirties pointed out that retreat into during

"men no

pregnancy; we've

waiting room nervously away from

role, that

father in his

longer have the old role to

lost the

it all.

new experience

chance

to

pace

in the

Now

we're supposed to be

we

haven't really defined

right there with our wife giving birth, but

what that new

new

is like."

Within our society the traditional division of labor served protect

men

from the pregnancy experience.

Our

fathers

to

needed

only to look strong and in control, strutting proud as a peacock in

166

The Empty Urn

room while their wives and the doctors "delivered" the way the man's anxiety was contained. The Couvade ritual among primitive tribes contained the husband s anxiety, rage, and sadness in socially acceptable rituals. The "pregnancy symptoms" that the husband mimed provided him with social support and a way to express his own participation in the waiting

baby. In that

the experience, while his withdrawal to a physically distant location separated

him from the family and thus protected

all partici-

Men

pants from his rage and jealousy of the wife and newborn.

today are

left

without ritualized ways to express either their partic-

ipation in the pregnancy experience or the distanced social role of

Proud Papa

in the waiting

So what happens? tions with

women

room.

many men sexualize their interacbecome highly instrumental to assert their

I

or

suspect

power or control during the pregnancy experience. First let s look at the sexual feelings of

wives' pregnancies. Family therapists first

know

husbands during their that

pregnancy and the

years of fathering are a delicate time for couples.

attraction of

husbands

to other

women

is

The sexual many

a standing joke in

couples; therapists are familiar with marriages in which the hus-

band becomes involved

in sexual acting-out during the wife's preg-

nancy.

For some

men

their role in the

sexuality

becomes a grounding, a way

pregnancy experience. Their sexual role as the

impregnator of

women may be

tive role in the

experience.

a way for them to assert their crea-

And

sexuality may be a way a man reduces the terrible vulnerand helplessness around women his wife and the nurses, example which he feels in the pregnancy situation.

—

ability for

to define

—

During the points most vulnerable,

I

in

our medical examinations when

our nurse. In the examination room one day the nurse,

and

I

felt

the

often found myself also physically attracted to

my

wife,

had been discussing vitamin supplements during pregnancy. She turned to Julie, still lying on the examination table. As I sat I

in the

corner

I

thought

how

attractive she looked.

167

A

cute turn of

FINDING OUR FATHERS

the nose, lovely, smooth-looking skin; slim, tan legs extend de-

murely below the hemline of her white, oh-so-professional nurse's uniform. She listed the vitamins nancy. in bed.

my

It

was as

if

I

imagined her in a singles start

even participated

life

bar.

I

walk up

flirtatiously to

this the conversation

to

my mind surveyed this woman, my wife's questions to her. I her in this imaginary

to

a conversation, feeling an attraction between us.

She turns her head

My

like

listened half-intelligently to

scene and

I

woman would be

this

Richard Gere had waltzed into the examination

room, replacing me. Vast spaces of

even as

wife would need during preg-

found myself wondering what

I

me, smiles.

.

.

Through

.

all

about food supplements and diet droned on;

in

it,

musings about

as

if

my mind had

dual tracks.

that nurse as a potential date in a different

were innocent enough, clearly under control and subordinate

my knowledge

of myself as a rational, responsible, concerned

husband. They probably emanated from many sources: the

silly

to be free of the web of hope, attachment, and potential loss which I now lived my life, for one. From the demands of mar-

wish in

riage

and imminent fatherhood

to the free

and easy

life

of the

single male. Yet the sexual undercurrent to the fantasy was so strong.

I

wondered about the many cases of men who become

volved sexually with other women. Perhaps that

tells

in-

us something

about the male experience of sex as an assertion of power.

my

In

fantasy

I

bound by my hope to the

was no longer a vulnerable husband, to the life

growing inside

reassurances of nurses. No,

now

I

my

wife's

tightly

womb and

was a powerful sexual

male, not a vulnerable male needing help from this competent

woman, the

nurse. Instead, in

my

mental gymnastics, she became,

through the power of phallic sexual fantasy, the one attracted to

and dependent on me. So perhaps the grasping onto a phallic sexual attitude toward

women feel

is

one way

in

which men cope with the vulnerability they

during pregnancy, a way of restoring an imbalanced power

relationship unfamiliar and unacceptable to

are dependent on competent

women.

168

men,

in

which they

The Empty Urn

Clearly

A

many men need

second escape route

role in the

when

pregnancy

to find a

way out

lies in retreating to

situation.

of their vulnerability.

a rigidly instrumental

The husband may feel reassured becoming an expert, and focus-

identifying with the doctors,

ing narrowly on what he has to do for the wife,

one.

One

each

in similar fashion, attempting to

who

is

the needy

father of two children responded to his wife's pregnancies

move from a

position of "out-

sider" to that of "expert." Instructing, part time, a prenatal class

enabled him to assume an instrumental, audomain where he was otherwise a passive obthis person reported that time away from home became a source of conflict between him and

for expectant fathers

thoritative role in a server. (Ironically, to

teach this class

his wife.)

Many

of the social cues will push

men

toward trying to act in-

strumental and in control during pregnancy. In classes the focus

is

on breathing techniques

anxiety during the birth process role of "labor

and aide

coach"

itself.

The husband

for his wife, focusing

in carrying out the

many

to control is

childbirth

pain and put in the

on his role as support

mental focusing and breathing tech-

niques learned in class. Such procedures are excellent aids during the birth process, but

many

childbirth classes don't provide

much

opportunity for the husband to explore his feelings about the preg-

He

nancy.

And males

stays bottled

there

is

up

in the

"coach role" alone.

the lack of male models. Consider that the other

in the situation are usually doctors,

power, and control.

other in that silent, nonverbal way: things."

with the

models of competence,

As men we communicate

"We men

restraint to

each

are taking care of

The bond of male competence often unites the husband doctors. The husband may feel "feminine" or deviant for

having uncharacteristic needs and feelings, which he will then

keep bottled up behind the competent pose.

The husband's search for an instrumental place in the pregnancy may create tensions within the couple. One woman, who had been through a grueling thirty-two-hour labor, revealed with annoyance that "the medical team acted as though they were

169

FINDING OUR FATHERS

teaching him to become a doctor.

.

.

.

He was

The doctor

the biological and the educational.

into the scientific,

let

him examine the

placenta and showed him everything that was going on in the room.

When

the baby was born,

didn't

do anything.

my husband didn't even kiss me. He was disappointed and bothered by his reaction. He was more or less looking at the baby and watching what the doctor was doing. Then it was all over." Since the medical staff I

must cope with the husband's needs as well as the

wife's, the pres-

ence of the husband increases the complexity of the birthing event.

Another husband exemplifies the self-imposed expectations and social pressures

ways

on men

in the delivery

more

to act in

room.

He

traditionally

masculine

proudly reported that he had cleared

make a path for his wife to the delivery room. "I it. I knew what had to be done and where we were

the corridors to fell right into

going. There were

some

trays

and

going right along in stride, and

I

rolling carts in there,

walked

in

and I'm

and started pushing

them out and asking them where they wanted this and let's get this show on the road." Often men will find "professional" ways to become more nurturing. An increased involvement in work may compensate for the sense of isolation and the uncomfortable questions raised about male power. One new father told me, "I felt often during pregnancy that I was searching for a 'pseudo-intimacy' with people at work." Yet the yearning for intimacy is not false. The husband is often practicing a more nurturant and receptive posture, trying to express a caring attitude that is blocked by the way he sees himself or by the expectations others have of him. In our study at

whom their

Simmons we noted

the

numbers

of

husbands

for

the wife's pregnancy raised unconscious questions about

own

creativity.

For several subjects, work or work-related

them them For them work projects and goals became a "sym-

activities or special projects served the function of involving

vicariously in a process from which nature had excluded physiologically.

bolic pregnancy."

One

thirty-five-year-old scientist with a wife

seven months pregnant talked

at length

170

about a professional paper

The Empty Urn

he was working very hard parallel

pregnancy ...

to finish.

He came to regard it as "a my paper before the

a sense, to finish

in

baby arrives." in which men symbolically pursue gender identity. A social work questions about unanswered their graduate student whose wife is an actress selected a topic for his graduate thesis during her pregnancy: a study of whether creative

Work may become one way

people are more or less mentally

ill

than the rest of the population.

Advice for Pregnant Couples Pregnancy can be the time when a man

finally

grows up, overcom-

ing his jealousy and resentment of the creative power of

and beginning fuller

to explore

way than he has

how he

before.

his resentments toward other

too

women

can nurture and care

A man may men and

in a

overcome too some of

his

ambivalence about

being a man, thereby allowing himself to take a stronger, more assertive role with his family.

Here are some thoughts on what may lead the husband

in that

direction:

Don't be afraid to ask questions, to get information, to

make

your vulnerability known. Try to get beyond age-old expectations that nurses

and doctors

will magically take care of you,

and know

what you're thinking. Remember their discomfort in dealing with

men, and try to reach out to them. A tremendous empowerment comes of no longer having to be silent. the emotional needs of

Express your feelings

to

your wife, remembering that you and

she will not always feel exactly the same. The wife's reaction to her pregnancy and her husband during pregnancy

shaping the husband's involvement.

One

is

important in

recent study by Feldman,

Nash, and Aschenbrenner reported that the wife's reaction

to

her

pregnancy was more predictive of future fathering patterns than the man's

own

reaction to the experience.

The

and maternal role she carved out were useful involvement: Wives

who became

introverted

171

personality traits

in predicting paternal

and withdrawn while

FINDING OUR FATHERS

pregnant had husbands who were less satisfied with fatherhood postpartum. interaction

We

can hypothesize that the quality of husband-wife

and communication

in that situation

do with the development of paternal identity.

Allow yourself

pregnancy

is

the

hood. All large

to feel first

life

had something

your ambivalence. Your

step in the enormous

are you gaining in

A

life is

change

life

changing;

into father-

transitions involve changes in identity

time to negotiate. The transition to fatherhood

What changes seem most

difficult?

What

to

11

no

is

and take different.

are you losing and what

becoming a father?

good starting point

for

men

during pregnancy

their unfin-

is

own fathers. Consider how well held you felt by your own father. What do you feel his expectations were for you? How do you hope to be similar to or different from your own father? How about your mother? Have you come to ask for things from your wife that you feel your mother didn't give you? What are ished agenda with their

your hidden agenda and secret expectations about what you are entitled to from your wife?

Reach out

to

other men.

I

think

it

is

of great importance to find

new

sources of social support from other men: thers, as well as friends without children.

the isolated position to other

men

reflects the

many expectant

for help, to talk over

problem men have

I

fathers

fathers get into

what they are

in dealing with

fa-

—

not turning

feeling. Partly this

each other:

Women

get a lot of support

and insight from each

around

discussing mothering; sometimes

at parties

and old

have been struck by

other.

We

don't

will cluster

women

with

babies will strike up conversations

at

ers or in the laundromat. In that

way they are passing along the

supermarket checkout count-

folklore of mothering, helping to socialize

nal identity. Rarely do

Among men

men do

the sad reality

that for is

each other into a mater-

each

other.

that after having a child they are

often less available to each other than before.

childcare on top of the

demands

The added press of and self makes

of work, marriage,

us more insular and isolated.

At a recent conference entitled

172

"When

Therapists

Become

Fa-

The Empty Urn

one of the main points that emerged was the loneliness The meeting was filled

thers,"

involved in the transition to parenthood.

with intense conversation and disagreements abounding;

way over the

alloted time. Several

men wanted

to

go out to lunch

afterward to continue the conversation. Hesitation. sheepishly, "I don't

know

be home

baby

for

to take the

lunch with you

family,

and

I

want

all.

if I

at

went

it

One man

said

can take the time, I'm supposed

to

one." Another: "I can't take the time

only have this one day away from the

I

to attend other lectures."

One doctor revealed that he had recently joined a group practice composed entirely of physicians who had recently had children. The work situation had formed itself partly for the very reason that all

the

men

feel support

Often

shared that experience of being fathers.

and understanding from

men

He wanted

to

his colleagues at work.

don't reach out because they feel like failures for

their confusing angry-sad feelings.

don't go through such experiences.

impossible expectations, feeling that

They may think other men get beaten down too by to live up to the male image

Men

they can't admit to their fears and insecurities.

Imagine yourself as a you be a parent similar self holding

father.

to

What does

your wife?

and carrying your

it

feel like?

How different?

How

will

Imagine your-

child.

Remember too that given the current state of male-female relationships, many women today are angry at men and will resent men who claim a place in the pregnancy experience. The sexualpolitical

undertow adds

to the difficulty in finding a fuller

within a mutual event (a pregnancy) that most

happens primarily

to the

woman. Yet the

fact

place

men and women feel that only the woman

experiences the unique reality of being physically pregnant need not detract from or negate the fact that the

husband needs

infor-

mation, reassurance, and support as he explores this mysterious part of life

major

and constructs

for himself the

life transition.

173

new

role of Father, a

Fatherhood as a Healing and Wounding Experience

Soon

after the birth of his first child, the author E. B.

White

wrote to a friend: "I feel the mixed pride and oppression of father-

hood

in the very

We come now the

wounded

base of

my

spine." 1

fatherhood in our survey of men's struggle with

to

father.

The grown son

often

becomes himself a

father.

Children have always ignited the emotional lives of their parents, yet today there is a special intensity to

many men's

feelings about

becoming a father. Our knowledge of the price we pay for remote fathers makes us want to father differently. Many men bring considerable goodwill and a desire for change to the task, yet we also live in the real

world of traditional social pressures, reality de-

mands, and internalized expectations. What fatherhood like for

men

today?

174

is

the transition to

Fatherhood as a Healing and Wounding Experience

White wrote the words quoted above

E. B.

mid-1940s,

in the

yet they remain an apt description of the ambivalent feelings

experience in becoming fathers. In this chapter

mixed

feelings, particularly the healing

I

men

focus on those

and wounding aspects of

many men becoming a father creates an internal and the wounded father within, leadinto work. For other men fatherhood can mean the

fatherhood. For

struggle with the needy child

ing to a flight

development of a more complete sense of tionship with one's his

life.

I

own

father, as

and a healed

rela-

new perspective on

believe our feelings about our fathers are a key for

in evolving a fuller role for

The

self

provides a

it

men

themselves as fathers.

transition to fatherhood

is

one of the most significant in a

The Yale psychologist Daniel Levinson sees the transi2 tion to fatherhood as a "marker event" in a man's life. Many men compare its impact on them to a very different marker event: the death of one's own parent. In both bases one feels the mixed dread and liberation at being called upon by life to grow up. There is much writing today about how important bonding with the father is for the child. In this chapter we'll see why the tranman's

life.

sition into fatherhood is important for the

and how

is

it

man's adult development

an ongoing process that extends years after the birth

of our children.

The Father as a Needy Child Mr. Baker

is

a confident businessman in Philadelphia, the head of

a chain of food stores. stockbroker. There

what in

life

had been

is

He

is thirty-five

years old. His wife

a two-year-old boy at home, and

like for

him since he became a

is

a

asked him

I

father.

He began

an upbeat fashion: "Life's a little different

pleasure.

I

mean we

now than

are enjoying

it

it.

was before,

My

wife

is

it's

just a real

real

busy right

now." After taking several months off after the birth of the baby,

she had gone back to her demanding job

at the

brokerage house.

"Children take a tremendous amount of time and

175

effort,

and she

FINDING OUR FATHERS

had expected

that she

would be able

working, and not have

it

make any

to

have the baby and continue

What she

difference.

did was

wear herself into exhaustion."

He became silent as he turned a feeling around in his mind. Then he said, "She pays a great deal of attention to our son. Things were fairly blah by last spring. There just wasn't much excitement, and there were just a number of demands. Our son does take more time." He hesitates as he gets to the point. "I think

it

took, there was a time actually,

get the right balance of our son, the

baby, sort of thing.

I

probably

felt left

new out a

had continued the way they were, and talk about

I

it,

if

when my

...

little bit.

we

wife had to

me

baby, and

the old If

things

hadn't been able to

can see how people break up."

Note that Mr. Baker started out talking of the "real pleasure" of having a child and wound up focused on the "blah" of words, similar to stories from other

What

is it

new fathers,

it all.

His

me wondering: men feeling like

left

about becoming a father that leaves

needy children? First of all, the transition of wife to

mother and the presence of

a dependent infant brings the husband back in touch with his

hunger

for

own

being taken care of and held, which has been pushed

aside in the rush to

become a man. Watching a baby

at the breast,

holding and carrying our babies, and changing diapers revive our

own

memories and sensations of what

earliest

it

was

like for us to

be taken care of by our mothers and fathers. In order true identity as a father, a

man must draw on

and feelings of his mother and if

the

man had

be cared

for.

man whose

to give

The

up

father.

own wishes

to

be held,

to

press of those wishes can be very disturbing to a

much by

like strivings as father.

develop a

sense of self hinges on a doer-provider identity.

enriched as

own

to

own memories

That can create great conflict

too quickly his

The psychologist Louise Kaplan notes is

his

.

.

.

it is

and child-

by his memories of tender closeness with his

When

important for him

that "a man's fatherliness

his acceptance of his feminine

a

man becomes

a father

it

is

particularly

to regain emotional contact with his history of

176

Fatherhood as a Healing and Wounding Experience

once having been a child and a son

to a

mother and

father."

3

Yet

some men. A lawyer once described his difficulty coming home and playing with his children because it reminded him of his father, who "was always acting like such contact may be painful

to

What he

the infant in the house."

is

saying here

is

that adaptively

regressing with his children puts him back in touch with his re-

way the old man took over too much space in the house and seemed to give him so little. Another man was even more direct. He told me that "whenever I give to my daughter I get angry at how little my father gave me." Kaplan comments that "many men who have been well-nurtured in early childhood cannot revive the memories and emotions assentment

at his father, the

sociated with good mothering, because in our culture the values

associated with masculinity require that male children renounce

mother and reject dependency and neediness." 4

their ties to the

A new father may feel which he may need

a

lot

of anger he doesn't understand, from

to protect his family.

On

the other hand, be-

coming a father may heal a man's relationship to his own body and some of the rage that he feels. An infant holds the father as much as the father holds the infant.

own

He

or she restores the father to his

body, through a touch, a searching mouth, two big eyes, an

eager grasp, a strength palpable beneath the baby softness. Talking to fathers,

I

have been impressed with the importance of the

connection between father and child. Having a child may put the father in contact with more nurturing parts of himself as a male. Holding one's child, feeding him, cartactile

rying him, feeling the strong, monkey-like grip around his shoulders, the soft-strong

Tree of Life, a

body clinging

man may

were now the

to his as if father

feel life-giving in a

new

way.

The poet

may have felt similarly when he wrote to his ten-year"the kind man moves closer, loses his rage." 5 We identify

Robert Bly old son,

with our children and in giving to them heal the resentful sides of ourselves that have never

Other

men

felt

well enough taken care

of.

becoming a father has helped them locate and actualize the nurturer within. One Vietnam vet, I've talked to say that

177

FINDING OUR FATHERS

now a successful

lawyer, spent four years as a househusband after

was born:

his son

"I

was trying

to get

a sane person in an insane society.

My

over the war, to become

son taught

me how

to

do

that."

There are also real changes in the marriage that can leave a husband feeling like a needy child. Parenthood begins in conditions of deprivation as well as joy: Sleep patterns are disrupted,

sudden new demands from home complicate established committo work, the home itself becomes a more demanding place,

ments

and the man's relationship

grows more demanding as

to his wife

well.

For care

many men home

of,

it

connotations of being taken

a place of rest and relaxation from the demanding public

world in which that the

carries with

home

many

is

men know

of us live our lives. Surely most

not there just to take care of them, and that their

wives need caretaking too. Yet becoming a father means that the

home changes in ways that touch on our wishes to be mothered. The husband is displaced from the center of his wife's attention by the newborn. The dyad becomes a triad, and a lopsided one at that,

as the mother-child

bond seems

to

outweigh the mother-

father one or the father-child bond.

Many men

wanting

feel a sense of exclusion,

the beginning and feeling uninvolved. "There

to

be involved from no relationship

is

closer than that of mother and infant breastfeeding," a

said to

men

me

feel

man once Some

with longing. "You can't get any closer than that."

unable

to

break into the tightness of the mother-child

bond. Yet the task of making a place for oneself in the family as a

man is a crucial task for new fathers. New fathers lose their wives in more in families

subtle ways. For example,

where wives stop working or change

mitments, the husband's and wife's lives

their

work com-

may be thrown

out of

synch with each other. Consider Mr. and Mrs. Abrams. tells sit

me

He

is

a computer engineer

about the "conflictive pressure" he feels in his

in his office,

life

who we

as

surrounded by "functional-modern" decor, the

178

Fatherhood as a Healing and Wounding Experience

windows overlooking the

rolling hills of Westchester County. Since

Abrams

the birth of his daughter his wife no longer works. Mrs.

had

a full-time career as a corporate financial analyst.

has changed, and so has their marriage. She

left

Now

she

her position as a

home and be a full-time made some sacrifices to do that." So he confronts a different situation when he arrives home, different from the interested, supportive wife who in years past had the time and corporate analyst and "has chosen to stay

mother. She feels she's

energy to relax with him and talk about what their work days had

been

like:

"She

feels at the

end of a week, and I think with good reason, hard week, and she's had full-time respon-

that she's put in a long, sibility for

keeping

this

one child interested and entertained. So

when Sunday comes around and

she's

been

week, being a babysitter, what she wants house and do something

at the

same time

sitting at

do

to

that

I

home

all

get out of the

is

want

to sit

down

and relax." In

many couples

the husband and wife are psychologically out

The husband com-

of synch with each other in quite profound ways.

usually retains primary connection with his work and career

mitments, while the wife,

at least in the first

parenthood, cuts back on her work. For

months or years of

many women who

work world, the pull back as they become mothers can be quite disturbing.

oped competencies

My

impression

is

in the

that both

men and women

determined

to

new

reers.

6

at

how

being "just housewives."

is

on their work

disruptive motherhood

In such cases the wife

family,

parents the wives report that the

primary negative impact of the child expressed surprise

women who have

combine career and

to avoid their mothers' fate of

In several recent studies of

home

today underestimate

the difficulty of the transition into motherhood for

grown up expecting they'd be able

devel-

into the

may be

life;

is to

many

their ca-

struggling with the fear that

her adult self has been undermined as she spends most of her time at

home

to the

with a child.

Her husband's

relatively intact

"adult world" through his career

179

may

commitments

fuel a wife's under-

FINDING OUR FATHERS

standable resentment and jealousy of his options. Feeling that she

has been "swallowed up" by mothering, the wife

may have

less

patience and less desire to "mother" her husband in the traditional

ways that she has. As Mr. Abrams

made

"sacrifices" in

out of the house just

The problem

is

tells us, his

wife feels she has

becoming a full-time mother and wants as he comes home.

to get

husband often comes home expecting or all day. Of course, even if Mrs. stay home it would be hard to "relax" with two

that the

wanting to relax after working hard

Abrams agreed

to

young children. Mr. Abrams speaks of how "disorderly and out of control" the house seems to him. Many men have told me the family becomes chaotic

demands

times nonnegotiable

home

children arrive.

and tolerance

skills, patience,

the

when

affective at

Having depended on nurture him in his day-to-day

as a support system to

his

demands

of children.

struggles in the public world, the

abandoned by

It

seemingly ceaseless and

for the

husband may

now demanding

feel betrayed

and

wife and family. 7

The Development of a Paternal Identity Like

many profound

life

that extends over time.

changes, becoming a father

Many

of the fathers

I

is

a process

interviewed in the

Adult Development Project had children between ages one and five, yet

it

was clear

"father" was

One

still

that the

development of their sense of being a

going on years after the birth. 8

of the tasks in the development of a

new

identity

exploration and integration of the mixed, complex feelings

Many new

perience during a time of change. selves without

clear guidelines as to

besides providing financially.

A

what

means

to

be a mother, serving

anxiety that the

woman might

feel

to

fathers find them-

means

to

be a father,

to discover

what

about being good enough. father. If the

to interpret family

180

woman

reduce somewhat the great

underestimate the isolation of the new

depended on the wife

the

ex-

wife has to evolve into a mother,

but physiological and social cues help the it

it

is

we

We

husband has

experiences for him, the

Fatherhood as a Healing and Wounding Experience

wife's attention to the

newborn may deprive him of that

because she no longer has the time or energy

The

tion.

social isolation of

new

ally,

simply

to serve that

fathers from other

func-

men, a problem

that begins in pregnancy, is likely to increase during fatherhood

we become more family-focused and

as

time pressure. So the husband feelings amidst a

is left

struggle with heightened

alone with

home environment

many unexpected

suddenly seems out of

that

control.

One new

feeling

is

the engrossment of the father with his child.

The phrase "engrossment" refers

to the

deep psychological bond-

9 ing and fascination the father feels toward his newborn. But there

is

an underside

ourselves, with

to

We

"engrossment."

little

can

feel

drained and weary

time or energy for ourselves either alone or

with our allies, our wives. child as to forget that you

It is

easy to become so focused on the

and your wife have separate existences

and needs. Some studies show a decline of 50 percent wife interaction postpartum.

10 I

in

remember how much

husband-

of our time

and energy we both focused on Toby when he was born, and sad, angry, jealous part of myself. coffee at a cafe with It's

world

my

feel to

this

few minutes of talking over

wife would help.

much

easy to underestimate how

may

A

colder and lonelier the

men once they become fathers. The father may

become preoccupied with being able to support his new family and may struggle with conflicting commitments outside the family. For about the first year I remember feeling tired and more fragile with less

energy for outside worldly pursuits.

Shifting values

may

my

and

priorities

provoked by becoming a father

also leave us feeling vulnerable.

interest in the traditional

ways

I

The

birth of

had learned

myself. Suddenly taking care of business, doing

nance work

my

possibilities,

yearned

career required

keeping

to stay

home

my with

— keeping —

my

son lessened

to feel all

good about

the mainte-

in touch, exploring

salary secure

my new

all felt

new

too draining.

boy and watch him,

to

I

be ab-

sorbed into the cozy family scene taking place between mother and baby.

181

FINDING OUR FATHERS

The depth

of feeling a father can have toward his child can also

be disturbing. Unambivalent love can be a novel and uncomfort-

man used

able feeling for a

a single-minded pursuit of external,

to

observable, provable goals reached in short order, the kind of goals careers usually provide.

The

striking realization that there

is

an-

other world beyond work and public success can be unsettling.

One can suddenly been

to

and safety

have

efforts

search for security, success,

to

in the fame, salary, or goodwill of powerful people that

commitment

to career

Most men the family,

main

feel very vulnerable if one's

master the public world,

bring.

much

ambivalent about how

feel

and

may

time to commit to

that is a source of distressing emotions.

Men

I've

talked with report a dual-track problem, unaccustomed to having so

much

felt to

up

feeling tied

me

at

home, but also being pulled to work. It when at home I was thinking of work,

for a long time that

and when

at

work

was thinking of

I

my

A

family.

teacher said the

same thing more poignantly when he talked about taking care of home with him, watching him crawl

his infant boy: "I love being

across the

playing together. There

floor,

is

such a challenge of

responding and watching his brave, tentative explorations of the world. Yet too

I

mind sometimes

find

I

often can't stop thinking about work.

feels like

it

was brought

analytic, orderly tasks of work. of taking care of to stay in

my

The

I

side me.

my baby feels at times like molasses He crawls, plays some by himself.

find myself reading the

The two

I

to

it

toward him? Shall

can't get

I

leave

I

get

him

newspaper while he plays along-

am back

plays another trick on me:

I'm doing but

want

I

Shall

of us in parallel play, different sandboxes. Ex-

cept then a few hours later

now

into this world for the

more languid play work

hand.

a ball from the other room and roll

alone?

slower,

My

now

I

can't

I

in

my

office,

and my mind

struggle to pay attention to what

keep my mind

be home with him, away from the

off

office

my I

boy! Suddenly

now

I

find strangely

barren." Finally, the

husband

feels

postpartum home can become a place where the uncomfortably secondary

182

to his wife. In

many fam-

Fatherhood as a Healing and Wounding Experience

ilies

the wife and

whom

to

he has

husband collude

to

make her

the "family expert"

guidance and help. Because she

to turn for

is

one who has done reading on

perceived (often correctly) as the

childcare and "knows what to do," the husband will defer to her

about decisions. The wife but the husband too

is

may

overburdened

feel

giving up power and

decisions that he doesn't feel really a part talking about the key decision that his wife

and stay home his

in this situation,

may go along

of.

Here

is

with

one man

would leave her work

full time, a choice that meant he had to supplement

income even as she

felt

some

loss at letting go of her career:

"She had every intention when we had our daughter that

after a

couple of years she was going back to work,

to

And

up children, and what

she did a

of reading about bringing

lot

was important, and she came

to the

continue her career.

conclusion that

be a good thing for our children for her

to

would not

it

abandon them

for eight-

plus hours a day while she went off to a job." Note the choice of

words:

was her decision

It

disagrees so

much

home. One senses not that he

to stay

as he feels outside, distant from the decisions

that dramatically affect his life.

The wife-as-family-expert pattern bands, because it also makes it more

is

a big trap for

difficult for

many hus-

them to establish when they turn

a comfortable sense of themselves as fathers, and to their

wives

needing help

it

is

often as a

to cope.

experience mother as

little

kid would turn to his mother,

Many new fathers did in fact as children the one who knew what was going on in the

family and father as incompetent or absent. Taking a more active role

may

feel inappropriate or risky to the

Among many new himself with his "fatherliness,"

new

my

and the wife needs

because

I

I

to

spend time by

husband the opporand seem vulnerable when

to allow the

what had been a feminine

son was born,

father.

child in order to develop a real sense of

tunity to experiment with that role

trying to master

new

couples the husband needs

had

to practice

role.

For a while after

diapering on a teddy bear,

was so frightened of hurting him by sticking him with

the pins.

183

FINDING OUR FATHERS

The Wounded Father

at

Dinner Time

Often the husband-wife skirmishes attendant on the father's daily

home from work are a microcosm man on the periphery of his family.

return the

of the tensions that keep

Let us return to Mr. Abrams, the computer scientist with the

He

disorderly home, for illustration.

tells

me

with a clear tone of

sadness and pain in his voice that "we've had periods of several

months where most of the time one of us would be mad

at the

other."

Could he

me

tell

He had no

about one of those times?

A

thinking of an example: "Well, last night.

fight."

trouble

His mind

turned to that tricky transition from work to home, often between

5 and 7 P.M., a potentially explosive time

"We had 6:30, and

I

for

went upstairs

to

change

asked her what the schedule was pour myself a drink, supper? She said,

sit

'I've

my

clothes,

is

a planned out schedule

have

I got home at came down, and

Did

for dinner.

I

have time

to

I

haven't had time to

a poignant tone in his trying to under-

stand her exasperation: "It was clear that she

to

couples.

down, and read the mail before we had

had such a bad day,

plan a schedule.'" There

for

many

plans to go out and had to leave at 7:30,

at

a time

felt I

when she

was asking her

really didn't

want

one out."

to think

For men, this transition

at the

end of the day from work

to

home

presents the problem of shifting gears. After a day of being rational

and responding and with of

little

to a million

demands from people, you

demanding people, your wife and

work-family stress

home new sea

arrive

respite are plunged all over again into a

children. At workshops on

at large corporations the

problem of shifting

comes up. "I'm walking up the stairs after putting away and I hear my wife through the front door saying excitedly to our kids, 'Here comes Daddy, here comes Daddy!' and I think 0h, no!'" The workshop participant went on: "Of course I want to see my kids, but I want a break. Instead, when I open the

gears repeatedly the car

4

door there they

all

are waiting for me."

184

He can

see his wife's per-

Fatherhood as a Healing and Wounding Experience

spective too: "She's been

But

like all the

it's

I'm handed a

all;

What

often

work

bill

home I've

when

I

all day,

wants some relief and help.

done during the day doesn't count

at

walk in the door."

moments is that both husband and The wife is exhausted from taking care and the husband is tired from the demands of the

happens

at

those

wife assert their neediness. of the children,

The problem today is that since there is often no clear agreement on how much childcare is the wife's work and how much the husband's, there is an unstated tension over who is doing more and who is getting more. Often, too, the husband is revealing the adult psychological residue of his childhood experience of his own father. If father was allowed to come home and escape the demands of family life, the man may feel entitled to the same prerogatives. When confronted day.

by his wife, the

man may

cheated of the opportunity

Dad

then feel humiliated, unmanly, or

did.

The demands

of shifting gears can, though, be healing to the

man's understanding of his father's own behavior.

who his

same way

to enter the family in the

is

very committed to being

young children

told

me

home on time

executive play with

months of pulling into wanted to sneak away for

that "after a few

6 P.M. and feeling moments after a hard

the driveway at

like

a few private

day's work,

why my

One

at night to

I

I

finally

father walked in the door all those years

understood

and headed

straight for the liquor cabinet. I've always felt so rejected

gry at his distant behavior in the

home,

like

and an-

he didn't have time

wonder whether he preferred a vodka and tonic to me. didn't really have anything to do with me he was feeling overwhelmed and scared. He put that drink up like a wall between us. I can understand why he was that way without being just like him myself when I walk in the door." for

me.

Now

I

I'd

see

—

it

In terms of the family, the problem can be approached, on the if we think of 5 to 7, or whenever father (or mother) comes home from work as a transitional time. Father has to be integrated into the family and provided with time and space to do

one hand,

185

FINDING OUR FATHERS

down and opening up the newspaper momentary space, within the family but slightly apart, allows the person to cool out from the day and adjust to the new circumstances of being home. Men will sometimes do that on the way home, sometimes stopping for a drink, but that has grave dangers, as alcohol often becomes the fuel for bitter family fights when he arrives. One man told a workshop that "things got much better when I stopped having a drink on the way home and just went and got a donut and coffee." On a deeper level, though, both husband and wife at these moments need to validate that both are needy, that both persons' daily experiences are worthwhile, and that no one will have his or her needs met entirely. The couple faces the challenge of both caretaking for each other and also meeting the needs of their child. That's often what sitting

it.

was

all

about. Providing a

What's in It's

It for

essential to

Men?

remember

that

men have much

to gain

ating the discomfort of getting into their families:

husband

to

work through

his

own anger and

sies of being perfectly taken care of

that allows

A me

him

to

It

for

toler-

may help

the

go of his fanta-

by his wife-mother

become more nurturing

prominent Washington lawyer,

to let

from

in a

way

of others.

example, shared with

becoming a parent, with a wife who also works, he had become a far more sensitive and empathic person. Over the past few years this man, Mr. Shea, has become much more available to the younger associates in his firm, in fact making his belief that since

a career change as he

became

the senior partner in charge of the

career development of associates and junior partners.

He seemed

quite attuned to the emotional needs of those around him; that

seemed

in part to

account for the success he had

younger lawyers wanted But

at first

I

to

in a firm

where

work.

got things backward, displaying the cultural stereo-

type in assigning priorities.

I

mused

186

to

him: "Would you say that

Fatherhood as a Healing and Wounding Experience

what you've learned

being a good father to your associates

in

you've been able to bring

home

too?"

His reply was quick and direct: "No.

What

I learn at

And

home

is

It's

more

of the reverse.

what I apply here."

Mr. Shea went on to talk of his wife and kids, modestly but

His wife had developed a demanding job

forthrightly.

in university administration,

now

mentary school. "The main thing

that their children

for herself

were

in ele-

assume any more that she is always ready to listen to me let off steam or complain about something or use her to relax. I've become much more sensitive to just where she's at. And often I have to sort of hold onto my stuff, until she is more receptive." So he had to struggle and really look at his wish for support, his desire to be taken care which had been hidden to him because he was usually seof is

that

I

just can't

—

by his wife when they were childless. Conown disguised needs may make him more sensitive to

cretly taken care of

fronting his

the younger associates' needs and their ambivalence about reveal-

ing them.

"I'm definitely here less and

home more than

last year.

I

give

her support."

"How?" "Just being around helping with the kids, doing errands around and about the house. Just being there to listen and to hear problems, both her emotional things and the objective problems about what's going on in her department, and what's the best way of

handling the situation."

He

found

Without idealizing

much

for himself in those

man, we can say

new

he was learning how to be a father: a father to his kids, a father to his wife, and a father to his younger associates; an empathic figure situations.

who

this

in a sense

who can prohuman needs of others, not just through paycheck. At age thirty-five, like many men, he was finding attends to the emotional needs of the situation,

vide by taking care of the his

what

it

meant

ties different

for

him

to take care of others,

and

it

involved abili-

from those he was familiar with.

"Okay, this

isn't

book learning, but

187

it's

definitely personally

FINDING OUR FATHERS

T want to go off and do something knowing that this situation calls for a

stretching. Instead of saying, for me,'

it's

saying

'stop,'

more mature approach

at this particular time. Just stop

and

above that immediate need, and do something constructive

rise

in the

situation."

Mr. Shea

reflecting

is

back on a process over which he has

achieved some mastery. Yet when he talks about the "immediate

need" he wants

satisfied

and hints

at his

temptation to do some-

thing less than "mature" and "constructive"

busy family, he

to his

voked by his family

is

—

when he

arrives

home

referring to the child within himself pro-

his wish for his wife to support him, for

example, not vice versa.

He

too talks of shifting gears at the

end

home from work, where two screaming kids and a tired wife await him. What "old stuff" is stirred up for a man by that common scene? For many men the wish is to yell and of the day, arriving

scream oneself, not to be in the authority role as Daddy. Kids stir up our wish to regress to their level, and if we've had to "grow up" as men too soon, we can feel resentful and envious of children's freedom, abandon, and carelessness. After all day in the authority role,

some men cannot bear their repressed playful sides. They way they used to be, and what they had

see in their children the to give up.

So often acted out

in the family

7 P.M. are men's silent rage at

and

how hard

dramas between 5 and they have had to work

their repressed longing to be a kid again, to have

someone

take care of them.

The lawyer stopped and laughed. "When you come home and the two kids wife

is

swearing, one approach

to a local

are screaming and your

4

is to

say the hell with this' and go

bar or something. The other approach

is to

take a deep

breath and pick up one of the kids and try to do something with

her or him, and say "Hi,

how

are things going?'"

In taking such a "deep breath" and picking

can

lie

a healing of the rage and sadness that

what they have

lost

up your children

men experience

from their own childhood. That

that parents don't simply wish at times for

188

is

in

not to deny

some peace and quiet

Fatherhood as a Healing and Wounding Experience

and a respite from

However,

their fatigue.

in

terms of the long-

term effects of close involvement with one's children, are just beginning to realize

men have been denied by

how much

to

suspect

we

their lack of truly involved, emotionally

nurturing participation in their families.

But some men,

I

positive personality growth

11

continue the metaphor, will not "pick up"

their children. They distance them and cannot hold them or their

wives emotionally. Let's look more carefully

some men to take the deep breath become confident fathers.

ficult for

to

at

that

what makes

it

dif-

would enable them

The Renewed Struggle with the Wounded Father Taking that deep breath Mr. Shea describes

men, because

own experience

mon up

of being a son to a father.

many we draw on our

is difficult for

in developing a sense of fatherhood

Many men cannot sum-

a sense of fatherhood separate from the

wounded image

of

father they carry around.

A man may

become the image of his own father. For example, carrying within them an idealized image of their fafear or wish to

thers as either powerful

tempered

and judgmental or

some men may

figures,

feel

saintly

and even-

robbed of their family's

idol-

them as faultless fathers. Goldstein describes the wish to become the "knight in shining armor" who enters the family "only when he wants to, unencumbered by the ambivalence created when excessive expectations are not met." 12 Such men may feel quite vulnerable assuming a realistic masculine role in which wife and children can both respect them and criticize them for being human. ization of

For

many men

I've talked with, the anxiety is

connected not

to

a wish to be idealized but to the fear of becoming like the stern,

judgmental image of their own fathers. Many difficulty

imagining how

to

men seem

be a father in a way that

itarian or overly controlling

is

to

have

not author-

and instrumental when they are with

wife and children.

189

FINDING OUR FATHERS

Feeling as family,

men

if

the only role for a

like Mr.

new

Baker may think

harder now that they have a child.

If

it

father

provide for his

is to

necessary for them

to

work

the wife has worked, there

is

usually a drop in income as she goes on maternity leave or leaves

her work. So fatherhood becomes denned by providing and bread-

winning

—

as

it

was

our fathers

for

—

much

without

clarity as to

what family participation characterizes Dad.

The man may wonder provider identity absorbs

if

he

will

become a

man's fear that he won't be able

to refer to the

father for

"Provider anxiety"

all.

to

whom

the

the term used

is

support his family,

given the increased financial responsibility. Yet provider anxiety

may have less to do with money than with men the fear isn't only of not being able to is

also fear of losing intimacy

and family

intimacy.

Among many

earn enough

money but

in the process of

becom-

ing the traditional father. In having a child one fears having less

intimacy rather than more. That believe,

we must

settle

is

the time

we

are told, and

down, commit ourselves

to a career,

we

earn

more, and provide well for the family. Ironically, that traditional husband's role

may

threaten to separate the

new

father

more from

intimacy than when he was childless. Just at the point when he yearns is

to stay

home and

participate in the

new

family, he feels

it

time to go out into the world and do big things.

There

is

a reality behind that concern. Since

we

a truly participatory, emotionally involved father,

lack images of

many men

will

confront internal and social expectations to the effect that their

main and primary task is to get out there and protect and provide for the family. There is nothing wrong with that message per se but in the absence of other messages about it is basically true

—

—

what

it

means

generation of

to

be a father

men

We become

it

feeds the alienation that an entire

feel.

fathers not just to our children, not just in the eyes

of the outside world, but in the eyes of our wives as well.

When

a

wife becomes a mother, suddenly protective of the newborn, going

through enormous role changes, she for her

may also become concerned may inadvertently or con-

husband's role in the family. She

190

— Fatherhood

as a Healing

and Wounding Experience

husband to become more "fatherly." know she can depend on him, that he can take care

sciously put pressure on the

She needs

to

of things. Just as men's yearnings for

changes a wife undergoes

mother are

stirred

becoming a mother, so

in

up by the

too a wife's

may be mobilized may want her husband and stable. And, too, she may

yearnings to be taken care of by a fatherly figure

by seeing her husband become a father. She to

seem

traditionally responsible

unconsciously look down on his more "feminine" strivings ture

and care

for his child in nontraditional

to nur-

male ways.

become traditionally "fatherly" may create a in some men, recreating feelings associated with earlier transitions out of the home and into adult life. A man may unconsciously feel as if he is being thrown out of Eden into the more difficult public world of work. If a man has experienced the task of growing up as a painful demand or an evil betrayal e.g., school, college, or career as choices made by others then the overtones of the transition to fatherhood may bring back those Those pressures

to

profound sense of loss

—

feelings of sadness, anger, or confusion. If the person

is

strongly

ambivalent about career commitment (an ambivalence often present in quite overtly successful men), then the will feel

move toward career

doubly empty.

For some

men

there can be

more rage and sadness

in the stern

face of fatherhood than they can bear; they have to distance themselves from their families

kids from their

own anger

and children, perhaps

own

fathers.

out, leaving or distancing their families in to

make up

"save" their

or to "save" themselves from their sad-

ness and disappointment in their

working harder

to

for their

Some men may

act

an angry, guilty rage,

unexpressed feelings of failure

and disappointment, or feeling "empty inside," repressing

fright-

ening or confused feelings.

The poet Reg Saner

poem "Passing

reflects

on

this generational legacy in his

On." The speaker recalls the dark love between himself and his father, whose anger made a child's world shake, It

and laments his

father's

sudden death. The wounded father lives same angry pattern with

as the speaker finds himself repeating that

191

FINDING OUR FATHERS

his

own young

stare.

son,

who looks

him with a wary,

at

self-protective

13

A thirty-five-year-old

my office crying woman while his wife

high school teacher

about having started an

affair with

sits in

another

was pregnant and then leaving his family

six

months

after the birth

of his son. Every time he talks of his child he cries, imagining

much

him and what

the boy misses

father around.

In fact, that

child, replicating a situation

prived as a young boy,

man

—

the frustrator

must be

where he had been emotionally decope with a difficult mother by a

—

He

partly identifies with the

acting out his father's role as the unavail-

is

punishing himself

relationship between a

new

father

and

own

his

particularly important. Psychologically, the process

means

called "de-idealization," which fathers

if

his father's behavior all at once.

The ongoing ther

more

how

have your

has partly identified with the

able one, and too identifies with the child, as

and recreating

like not to

left to

psychologically unavailable father.

parent

it

clearly,

that

we come

to

is

fa-

often

see our

understanding their own struggles, gaining a

new perspective from going through the kind of dilemmas they have experienced. When we de-idealize a father he becomes more real, a human figure with strengths and weaknesses rather than the godlike or devil-like creature of our imagination whom we both adore and rebel against. Becoming a father may foster the process It helps the grown son to behavior and may also help retrieve more his father's understand of memories of his father as a caring, nurturant figure.

of de-idealization in at least two ways:

A man may

find that

has been denying

"Whenever

I

discipline

myself screaming 'No!' father using.

It

drives

he has identified with parts of his father he along. That

all

my at

me

son,

him

I

may

find

in the

not always be pleasant.

myself yelling

at

same voice

remember my

I

him.

crazy to see myself doing that."

I

hear

We may

unconsciously internalize patterns of behavior without necessarily

wanting them.

On tive

the other hand, in becoming fathers

on our own fathers. The man comes

192

we gain

to

a

new perspec-

see that being a father

Fatherhood

as a Healing

and Wounding Experience

is

a constant struggle to hold onto family amid competing

to

be a success

of his

own

at

demands

man may understand more

work. From that the

hidden struggle, a view from the other

father's silent,

side to which he was not privy as a child. In finding himself to be

a good-enough father, the father

was good-enough as

man may come

my own

know

that his

own

well.

In the struggle to be present for

munality with

to

my

son Toby,

Sitting in

father.

my

I felt

a

new com-

one day

office

after

rushing out of the house because of an early morning appointment,

yearning to be I

still

wondered what

it

in our kitchen with

was

like for

my

my new baby and my

morning, beginning his long daily commute a cozy breakfast scene to of

men. Did he

home

my

way I

to the

Bronx, leaving

in the harsh public world

did at getting back into the

work? Did he too

feel the sense of exile

within which he was struggling to find a place?

father's

Our

his

feel the brief relief

orderly, safe world of

a

make

wife,

father to walk to his car every

make sense to me. become grandfathers when we have a

from

Much

of

behavior began to

fathers

child, usually

a beloved presence to the child, while the son faces the tough dayto-day challenges of being the father. There

is an irony in this: While the grown son may now focus on his father, his father is often focused on the grandchild. They are once again out of synch with each other. Dad has moved into the grandfather role and may be different from the man he once was. He is no longer the father he once was, just as we are no longer a son in the way we used

to be.

Yet seeing the love between a grandchild and grandfather can

more nurturing parts of our fathers. And in seeing and remembering the caring sides of our fathers, we are literally healing the wounded father within our hearts, because we also help us recall the

identify

now

with a fuller sense of masculinity.

We

let

go of the

angry resentment at what we did not get, which blocks our giving to

our own children and to others.

A

forty-three-year-old salesman told

felt at his father's visits

now

that

me

of the

new

delight he

he had children. "Before our kids

193

FINDING OUR FATHERS

my

were born, seeing

when

they're here

I

is

We

all

"He

tells

the kids

all

as

I

I

get such a kick out of

got older at

who

gives.

and

is

Through

healed by

it

— —

it's

home." The father

children and with his

it,

own

father with

at a

Midwestern

about the rooting behavior of pigs,

tricks of taking care of animals, his experience

farm.

my

Now

go on walks together, exploring." His

a retired professor of animal husbandry

university.

dreaded.

I

take such pleasure in seeing

our son and daughter. father

parents was a duty, a ritual

father

on the university

something we stopped doing is

identifying both with his

the one given to and the one

man now feels

his fathers love

down through

the generations

his children the

a current flowing

and back again. I

am

convinced that watching

new grandson,

my

father's care

and love

for his

his confident sense of authority as well as the depth

my son's response to him, has helped me recall those parts of my father in my own life. I began to recall memories that were

of

wiped out by the tension of adolescence: the Saturdays happily in his carpet store playing the wonderful

summer

among

the

tall rolls

trips spent driving across country,

I

spent

of carpet,

watching

games together in front of the TV or at Yankee Stadium. In that way I began to know again that my father had been there for me when I was young: He was a warm, nurturant presence before his business problems and my adolescence conspired to heat up the connection between us. football

In watching our fathers "grandparent," in struggling ourselves

with dilemmas similar to the ones they faced, and in feeling the love between grandparent and grandchild,

memories often

The Flight An

lost in the transit to

into

that

retrieve the

Work

important way in which

men become wounded New fathers

holding on too tightly to their careers.

the

we may

male adulthood.

fathers

is

by

rarely report

becoming a father interferes with their career commitment in same way their wives do. 14 Men will often talk about how the

194

i

Fatherhood as a Healing and Wounding Experience

"structure of the workplace" inhibits their family commitment, citing the relative absence of paternity leave or social and practical difficulty of bringing their children to the office.

are real problems, but

No doubt

those

my

inter-

have been equally impressed in

I

views with the numbers of new fathers for

whom work becomes

psychologically vitalized after the birth of a child and

who make a

strong separation between work and home. Let's consider

why work becomes

so enticing for

many men,

using Mr. Abrams, the computer scientist, for illustration.

me

telling

more about "the conflictive pressure" in his

He

life.

is

His

him home more, yet he feels pulled toward work. His work shines through as he says, "I find computers an intensely satisfying kind of work," and describes the orderly technical problems he can solve on his own at the office. wife wants

love for his

There

is

now even

greater pressure to be at work, from a boss

weeks himself. "My boss is one year older than I am, and he looks ten years older." The example of his boss haunts him a father figure whose love he wants: "I'm

who

routinely puts in sixty-hour

—

perfectly willing to do

willing to do

it

valent,

because the work

creates

is

because at

home

I

that

for a short period of time, but I'm not

it

for a long period of time." Yet in truth he's

my

wife

enjoy what

really a joy.

is

is dissatisfied.

It

doesn't really bother me,

with his wife, but

it

experienced as coming from her

is

rather than an internal prompting on his part.

ger for work seems too strong: is still

He

is still

The need, the hun-

proving himself as an

dependent on showing a demanding

father that he could indeed be as successful as the old

One might wonder why self at

work, yet that

sional careers.

The

where the man

is in

is

a

man

near midlife

an increasing

is still

fact of life for

his career cycle.

many men

and some academics

—

is still in

man.

proving him-

men

transition to fatherhood is strongly

almost forty years old, he career. Like

that

do." Note that he identifies the urge to be

I

engineer; his identity

ambi-

"The primary problem

in profes-

shaped by

Even though Mr. Abrams

is

the establishing stage of his

in technical careers

—

scientists, doctors,

the training and establishment phases of

195

FINDING OUR FATHERS

many men

careers have been extended so far that

own

are just getting off on their

at forty feel

they

work, proving themselves. They

at

are on the edge of success, and then they start families too and find a pull

away from the career anchor

Daniel Levinson notes that for

men can

culine" world in which

in their lives.

many men work traditionally

is a "hypermassubmerge them-

selves, in a psychological attempt to give greater priority to

culinity as they understand

established in that world,

age forty

may be

men

it.

mas-

Levinson points out that once

during the midlife transition around

able to feel more comfortable exploring more

feminine aspects of themselves and moderating their involvement in work.

15

Levinson focuses, however, on rather traditional career paths.

We

for many new fathers in highly demanding careers: They may not feel that they've proved their manhood enough to tolerate psychologically

can easily miss a dilemma

technical and really

taking a fuller role in their families. In tracing the career histories of Project, that

the

men

we found many had prolonged

by the

late thirties they

were

still

in the

Adult Development

advanced training so

their

establishing themselves.

370 men we studied 17 percent were

still

stage of their careers and heavily centered on

in the

Of

establishment

"making

it" at

work.

Many of those men also postponed having children until their thirties. One such man, a physician who had completed a strenuous postdoctoral at a noted medical research center, told me that "after twenty-five years of school,

it's

years old, and he feels as

if

time to go to work!" Almost forty he's just getting out of school.

physician with a similar career path and a young child at

had

just

opened

his first professional office.

He spoke

A

home

with impa-

tience about his wife's postpartum depression and her wish that he

take a day a

week

when he

he was

felt

Among men is

be with the kids, coming

finally

proving himself

at

just at the time

work.

Adult Development Project who now have 28 percent delayed parenting into their thirties. that such men may seem highly successful and

in the

children, almost

The problem

off to

196

Fatherhood

advanced

as a Healing

in their careers but

and Wounding Experience

may

not feel so. Modulating their

career commitments and spending more time at if it is

home may

feel as

undermining the masculine identity they've worked so hard For such men, work

to achieve.

may

affirm their masculinity, the

family seeming a feminine or childlike world. Mr.

Abrams gave

work —

voice to the sense of affirmation he gets from

in the eyes of others

and by being able

to

master new tasks:

"To actually write these computer programs that are going done, and have the things to,

and have people For

many new

come

out the

way

I

to get

they were going

felt

say, 'Hey, that's pretty good!'"

fathers

home used

to

be a haven.

Now

been

it's

taken over by his young barbarians and needy wife. The office

Home may ever. Mr. I

now

a haven, offering friendships and routines that are reassuring.

is

have changed, but work has

Abrams remembers

not.

Work

feels better than

longingly the time in his

life

"when

could be purely working, there was nobody else involved ...

could really concentrate entirely on that one purpose in

life.

I I

immensely enjoyable." The new father may feel affirmed by the activities or relationships at work in ways that he does not feel affirmed at home. So for men like Mr. Abrams work offers something vital: the picture of competent masculinity. His boss, his father-mentor, may work too hard, but he is safe and conventional: the image of the found

it

successful, overly driven older

ships even as

it

culinity does he have to father, a

for

many

man

that our society secretly wor-

cautions against. At home, what picture of mas-

source of

draw upon? There

irritation, since for the

other men)

home was where

is

the

memory

of his

young Mr. Abrams (and

strong

men became weak. A

successful English professor with a wide reputation, Mr.

Abrams

remembers his father at home: "He was like the fifth child, my mother was always babying him and coddling him. I hated to see it." The memory is painful, we may well surmise, because there is a part of Mr.

Abrams

that wishes to be babied, to regain the

of family, a safe, relaxed, protective

by his young arrivals.

197

haven

environment intruded upon

FINDING OUR FATHERS

Clearly the flight into work of sources.

And,

One

too,

is

many new

fathers has diverse

the increased pressure to provide for a

new

work becomes a way of holding onto masculine

and preoccupations. Yet the

flight into

family.

interests

work may also stem from

the father's need to distance himself from the needy and confusing it stirs up within himself; work may be the place where husband works out the aggression and anger he feels at his family for abandoning him and threatening to "feminize" him.

feelings

the

Daniel Levinson sees the

what he

flight into

work as an attempt

calls the "strength of the little

to

reduce

boy within him" by escap-

ing the feminine overtones of the family. 16

Let us consider what's involved in helping

men

create a fuller,

more masculine place for themselves in the family during the transition to fatherhood.

Healing the (New) Wounded Father Beware of making your wife the "family expert." Begin to think about yourself as a separate, nurturing presence in the home, and work together with your wife to create ways of feeling both competent and needed. of

how hard

it

Many new

is to

fathers I've talked to have

take care of their kids

when

around, because the wife judges or criticizes or

is

spoken

their wife is

just available to

Dad and the baby turn to Mom, who then feels trapped between the new baby and the old baby. It is important for men to spend time alone with their children rather than always take over. So both

together with their wives. That will help to head off our tendency

become passive and dependent around her. The wife's attitude toward her husband's role is very important: Is she comfortable allowing him the opportunity to experiment with this new role? The key element is for men to develop a sense of real-life competence as fathers. It is for men like Mr. Abrams, who value their instrumental, real-world competency and who need to develop a sense of skill and self-esteem as fathers, gaining some clarity and to

198

Fatherhood as a Healing and Wounding Experience

sense of mastery over the mysterious world of being a father, that parenting courses are particularly valuable.

Remember Pay attention

17

that fatherhood begins in conditions of deprivation. to

your own neediness and

to nurturing the marital

relationship. Don't expect that no adjustments will be necessary,

but rather take seriously the fact that you are in a new, often joyous, but also stressful life situation.

Do

not forget that for all the good things that a child brings to a

marriage, becoming a father can also complicate your relationship with your wife.

Remember

that the wife too is put

back

in touch

with childlike fears and anxieties by the arrival of a child. She

may

fear being

swamped by

the motherhood role, feeling a sense

of loss of valued adult competencies attached to her

may

feel

ically or financially

on her husband and have great

knowledging those feelings have

to

work

life.

She

suddenly needy and uncomfortably dependent psycholog-

to

difficulty ac-

New

her husband or herself.

parents

develop new caretaking patterns between them that help

each other

to

acknowledge and validate their feelings and

that sup-

port the self-esteem of both partners.

A new baby ing between

brings with

it

husband and

many

potential blocks to that caretak-

A

wife.

husband may tend

to

blame the

wife for any difficulties of childrearing that happen. If the baby

crying or upset and the husband feels anger at the baby,

it

is

may be

directed at the wife. Rather than get angry at the baby, the hus-

band

will yell at the wife. "Well, after all,

And,

too,

couples can

let

he

is

your kid."

the child express their feelings toward

the spouse for them. Perhaps there

and wife one night; one of them

is

tension between husband

yells at the

baby

to stop crying or

The baby has a sobbing tantrum. Then husband and wife focus on her, comforting the baby in ways they won't do for each other. By the time the baby has calmed down, picks her up brusquely.

the couple forgets to focus on

Pay attention

to

how

and

the baby

the couple relationship.

I

listen to

is

each

affecting

other.

communication within

soon learned that when

cried or was uncomfortable, / felt

199

ill

at ease,

my newborn

impatient until

we

FINDING OUR FATHERS

got

him

and

settled. Julie

I

realized that our fights, our impatience

with each other, the restless grumblings between us often began

when Toby was crying was not used

or hollering about one thing or another.

being so viscerally attached

to

to

another

I

human

being.

Think about your father and your relationship as a son to both parents. Draw on the memories of their full participation with you.

When

do such memories stop? What caused your relationship with

mother or father

to

change? What would you

like to give your son

or daughter that you did not get?

Mourn the losses involved in having a child and trying to be more present with your family. That sense of loss can be heard

when men discuss a

feeling of "sacrificing" their career involve-

ment in order to be parents. If that sense of loss is not acknowledged and integrated within the man's value system and that of his spouse,

it

may

spoil

much

of the joy that can be inherent in par-

enting and strain the marital relationship. In the early years of parenting, taking time to be one's children

may seem

home

with

like a kind of death: the loss of the day-

possibilities of conquest that we associate with the real The treasured selves that are lost to fatherhood may bring our mortality and limitations to mind. Donald Hall expresses this

dreams and

world.

sentiment in his

poem "My Son, My

Executioner": "Sweet death,

small son, our instrument/Of immortality/Your cries and hungers

document/Our bodily decay." 18 The gains that come from fathering are of a very

We become

thing. Talking with

men who do spend more

times making significant career sacrifices

—

tions or not writing that article for publication

by how much courage in one's life

different sort.

aware of our limits as people, that we cannot do every-

when

it

takes to

let

parts of oneself

time at home, someturning

—

I

down promo-

have been struck

go of dreams, often

at a

time

and those around us press the

new father to get out there and be a success for his family. One of the most intensely debated questions at a recent Fatherhood Forum on Parenting and Men's Work Identities was: Can you

200

Fatherhood as a Healing and Wounding Experience

be ambitious

work and successful as a father today? The conmany men and women there was that really to

at

sensus among the

be there

for

your children, not in a distracted way,

necessary

is

it

to give up some work attachments. That means accepting a very

hard

This

reality:

many men

is

the

is

it

what

first

can do, and

I

this is

we put someone

time

what

can't.

I

For

else so clearly above

ourselves. Deciding to accept limitations on one's work activities in order to devote

more time

inate all potential problems.

are trying to be

home more

to

parenting does not, however, elim-

There are several traps

with their children.

fusing your needs with his or hers.

We may

bring our

to the situation, inadvertently alienating ourselves

we

men who

beware of overidentifying with your child and con-

First of all,

child

for

think

we

own agendas

from the very

to. One man explained his dilemma my family my father was never home. He He used to say, There'll always be enough

are giving

with embarrassment: "In

was always

money him.

in

at the store.

my

house.' So he

Now I seem

house

there'll

that there are

to

worked and worked, and

be going around saying

always be enough feelings.'"

many ways

for fathers to

be

who

I

rarely

our children, 'In

He

saw

my

chuckled, aware

lost at the store, unavail-

able for their kids. There are numbers of for intimacy

to

men

with a real hunger

desperately want to be present for their children,

enough themselves as children and not husband is trying nurture because he himself has not experi-

feeling they did not get

wanting

to

do the same

to satisfy his

wish to

to their families. If the

enced proper nurturing, then he may not respect the for

boundaries and separation and

ally.

To punish his child

may smother

child's

the child emotion-

for not accepting the attention

and

interest

he so relentlessly gives, the father may withdraw or become cal

and demanding, thus undermining the

criti-

child's self-esteem. In

the guise of giving their children what they never got,

may become,

need

some

fathers

subtly and inadvertently, distant, angry, or secretly

own fathers. some marriages the husband's attempt

vulnerable like their In is

to provide better care

really a competitive struggle with the wife, expressing the man's

201

FINDING OUR FATHERS

rage at

how

little

he feels he got as a child from his mother. Such

—

men are often trying to get even with their own mothers with women in general proving to all mothers that they are incompetent or unnecessary. Once again, the child is a surrogate for one-

—

self:

He's going to have what

we

didn't get, but along with that

is

the silent message to the wife-mother that she can't do a good

enough job. Watching this silent family drama, the child may grow up believing he must choose between his mother and his father. Once again the father becomes a disguised version of his own father.

The psychological residue

of their

own experience

and the social influences today encouraging men

as children

a more some men so intensely commit-

participatory role as fathers leave

to take

ted to "being there for our children" that any inability or restriction

on them creates anger and resentment not necessarily interests of the child.

in the best

At one public conference on parenting a

speaker was suggesting that the

father's role

becomes

portant in the second or third year of the child's

really im-

life,

when he

functions as the "ambassador" to the outside world, leading away

from the intensity of the mother— infant bond. The speaker said that the comings and goings of father play a healthy role in the child's

separation-individuation struggle:

The

child sees mother as the

movaway from mother. The heat that topic can generate became apparent when one member of the audience angrily commented during the discussion period: "Here I try to be more present for my daughter and I don't know how. Now you're telling me I stable center, while father begins to demarcate the notion of

ing

shouldn't be.

I

don't think you should be allowed to say such

things at a conference such as this."

Yet to

if

men

remember

that the

mother plays a

we need

vital role in the infant's life,

not yet at all clear that the father can replace mother or

and

it

that

some

is

are going to take a greater role in the family,

of the distance of the father, the

larger world

beyond mother,

is all

way he beckons

bad. Perhaps comparison and

contrast between the parents are what matters: If father

202

to a

is

more

Fatherhood as a Healing and Wounding Experience

present, then mother the real world.

may be

switching really works, and tegrity of the first

able to

But we don't know

become

the ambassador to

for certain that

we do know

and

in-

mother-infant bond plays a large role in the infants

impressions as to the trustworthiness of the world

tance indeed

such role-

that the stability

may be

the curse of fatherhood

—

itself.

Dis-

not the alienated

and wounded distance many of our fathers experienced, but some distance nonetheless from the closeness of that

first

mother— infant

bond, which we must accept.

Fatherhood in today's world encompasses many different tasks: taking care of the wife infant

and experiencing

ing that

we

who has become a mother, holding

one's

his or her centrality over our own, accept-

are growing older, feeling our fatherhood as part of the

lineage of fathers through history. Seeing our children struggle to

come

to

terms with their fathers, with us, we must accept the re-

ality of frustration

thers,

and loneliness

in life.

must help a son or daughter

And each

of us, as fa-

find the healthy, healing side

of masculinity, reconciling ourselves to that search in our lives.

203

own

Healing the

Wounded

Father

A he my

blond hair of

office

he didn't

my

client glistened in the

like;

he wasn't sure whether or not the other 'kids were

making fun of him when they gave him the his rage was focused on his father.

"My know there,

sun shining through

window. Rod's childhood nickname was "Sunny," a name label. Today, though,

father always steamrollered over everyone,

there was a shy, caring side to I

could sense

it.

my

father

But he never showed

it

me

—

to

included.

I

know it was me. Whenever I

idiot. You know, needed him and he wasn't there."

he expressed his softer side he acted like such an getting drunk, all maudlin.

Rod wants

I

to press his rage

home. He has concrete evidence of

his father's failure from the horse's

204

mouth: "A couple of years ago,

Healing the

back when

and

I

was about twenty-five, we were

Maybe

Texas.

it

friend

at a family party in

was Thanksgiving, a holiday. He came up

said, 'Rod, I've always

to you.

Wounded Father

been

I

me

know that I didn't think I could be both your and your father when you were young."' I

want you

to

Rod looked at me as if to say, "You see?" "What did you reply when he told you that?" I asked. "I said, 'Dad, that's okay,' and we pretty much stopped about

to

better as a father than as a friend

talking

it."

wondered aloud

to

Rod: "What would have happened

if

you

had said, 'Dad, you're right?" "No, no. He wouldn't have known what to say." Rod thought a moment. "Hmmn. That's interesting. I think I didn't want to hear it, what he said. He was reaching out to me, but I turned away from him. What he said makes me sad for all I've missed from him, makes

me

sad for him.

Maybe

I

don't want to forgive him.

didn't even think of being friends with

"When it

isn't

I

okay,

Rod

said, 'That's okay,'

I

I

him now.

was angry, not

forgiving.

I

mean,

is it?"

own anger at his father. many men, seemed more

clearly wasn't comfortable with his

Despite his pain and anger Rod, like

comfortable being alienated from the father of his childhood than

making

real

peace with the father of his adulthood. Martin Acker,

a psychologist at the University of Oregon, asked each of the in a

seminar on men's issues

was no expectation that the

to write a letter to his father.

letters

would be

sent,

men

There

and none were,

Acker noted the underlying fear of their own anger in the sons' The deepest fear seemed to be, in Acker's words, that if I told you "how I felt as a child in relation to you ... I am afraid that you would not be able to take it." For many men, the fear that their fathers do not have the emotional strength to tolerate openness with them blocks their deepest yearnings to talk things yet

letters.

1

through.

Communication between son and father may

205

also be blocked by

FINDING OUR FATHERS

the son's fear of his fathers anger at him.

approaching his father he

will

He may

fear that in

provoke the rage that might,

finally,

destroy the son.

What does

it

mean

for sons to heal the

wounded

our

father,

image of father as wounded or angry, which

internal

lies at the

own sense of masculinity? Healing the wounded father means "detoxifying" that image so that it is no longer dominated by the resentment, sorrow, and sense of loss or absence that restrict our own identities as men. core of our

There are several avenues by which the process of healing takes

They include recognizing our fathers' actual wounds, the way they have been wounded by their lives, the complex crosscurrents within our families that led to disconnection, and by exploring and testing out richer, more satisfying male identities as fathers, husbands, and co-workers in our everyday lives. place.

We

are speaking here of a process of grieving. Sadness

Many men have

volved.

learned to act as

if

is in-

they don't need

inti-

macy, and recontacting their hunger for real intimacy with father

can be very uncomfortable. needy, to act as

if

Men

learn to drive others

impressed by how many

men

cry

when they come

have not received from their fathers. In trying fathers,

we

away when

they can get along without others. I've been

to

to see

what they

understand our

confront the depths of our neediness and that of our

fathers.

Unatoned Sins: Our Fathers and Ourselves One way

of healing the

ther's history.

A man

wounded

needs

father

to find

is to

plunge into your

ways of empathizing with

fa-

his

The women's movement has provided many daughway of understanding and forgiving their mothers, but

father's pain. ters with a

we have

little

corresponding sense of our fathers.

We

have

to

understand our fathers' struggle and see the broken connection

between fathers and sons as part of the unfinished business of

manhood.

206

— Healing the

Wounded Father

The poet Robert Bly writes of his father that "I began to think of him not as someone who had deprived me of love or attention or companionship, but as someone who himself had been deprived, by his mother or by the culture. This process

Every time

I

see

my

father

how much of the and how much came

ings about fully

aware of and unaware

I

deprivation

I felt

against his will

of. I've

a complicated situation."

is still

going on.

have different and complicated

begun

to see

feel-

came willmuch he was

with him

—

how*

him more as a man

in

2

A university professor, fifty years old, remembered his father as someone who "worked as a labor organizer as well as a mineworker during my childhood. He wasn't around much, I felt his absence a lot. For years I couldn't understand why he was so unavailable to me. Used to go drinking and carousing. I couldn't forgive him for it. He died about eight years ago, and I was talking to my mother recently. She told me that he lost his job when I was fifteen got fired for his union work. I never knew that, but I can understand what a blow that must have been for him. He supported us with part-time jobs for years, and my mother said he was always ashamed of that." Then he revealed the connection of his father s plight to himself: "I've had my tenure battles, lost a few jobs myself, and feel I can understand better why he withdrew from the family, how hard it

must have been

him

for

iated in his worklife.

I

to

be there for us when he

felt

so humil-

wouldn't want to do the same thing, but

I

can see how caught he was in the trap of only feeling good about himself in terms of

know

how

well he supported his family.

that family secret about his lost

forgive

my

father."

It

is

father have to do with a

striking

mineworking job

how many

work setback

Now I

feel

that I

I

can

family secrets about

that cripples, temporarily or

permanently, the father's relationship with his family. Let's face

it.

Our

fathers couldn't win, particularly fathers of

minority families: Catholics, Jews, blacks.

The postwar world

of

the late 1940s and 1950s contained a tremendously seductive trap for

them. Here they had fought a war and won, a war that seemed

207

FINDING OUR FATHERS

right, "the

good war" that had defeated fascism, one

which our

in

were unambiguously identified with America.

fathers

All

the

seeming "rewards" of that righteous victory seemed due them, and forthcoming: the GI bill, upward mobility, a home in the suburbs,

and working hard

seemed

to take

advantage of the financial rewards that

just at their fingertips. Don't drop the ball now!

a few years, a decade of giving your

home much?

all to

work, even

if

What was that

meant

many of them imagined, the kids would still be there, and how much it'll all mean to them the good life. A house, two cars, their college education. Have you noticed how many older men lament how quickly their kids grew up? Almost while their backs were turned. As Senator Paul Tsonnot being

After

all,

—

gas observed, talking of his decision to resign from the Senate and return to Massachusetts: that

he spent too

No,

Many

it

much

was work

"No man on

that

dominated

of our fathers had to

of life from

his

deathbed ever lamented

time with his family." in peculiar,

commute

to

unexpected ways.

work, a very different way

what they knew when they were growing up. Instead of

having the family close by, just down the street from Dad's store or

them growing up, now they left the family in come back for eight or nine hours; the family was something remote from their daily lives. One result was the undercurrent of anger and exile within our fathers discussed office, as

it

was

for

the morning and didn't

in

Chapter

1.

Many moved

into

new suburban towns dominated by

the success

where achievement was defined in terms of public, career activity. The dominant message was that everything was just dandy, even as the lives of our fathers were changing in ways hard ethic,

them to comprehend. Much of the family texture they had known as children was gone, and work and financial success became the marks of how well they were doing. Many fathers lived with a mixed message from their own parents: In order to be successful, they had to go forth into America and become good professionals and consumers, yet in doing so they had to give up many for

of the values

and ideals

that their parents personified.

208

To

live

up

Wounded Father

Healing the

they had to

to their parents,

caused grief

for

many

kill

them, a task that must have

even though they whistled while

fathers,

they worked.

Don Larsen pitched his phenomenal World Series game in 1956, many of our fathers had become parents, and how many saw in their sons an ambivalent future? Here was their heritage really Americanized, as we went to nice suburban By

the time

perfect

schools,

and

left

our ethnic and immigrant ways behind. To be

part of the "perfect"

must have wanted

— we were becoming

had to encourage this America but to be true

true to their sons they

—

oppose their sons

to

to their hearts

too. Fathers

many

both encour-

at the same time. Then the and flower power began to undercut openly all the efforts our fathers had made during the 1950s when love was measured by days at the office or hours in the store. They heard that what they did wasn't enough. Why, it was hardly anything at

aged and undercut their sons' dreams Beatles, long hair,

all,

a message that most fathers at some level probably agreed

with, but were enraged to hear from those ungrateful messengers, their sons.

The

film Heroes

and Strangers

for reunion with their fathers.

3

is

about two young adults' search

Tony, one of the filmmakers,

his late twenties. His father-hunger leads

elderly father, the

the parent

is

in

to talk to his

man he remembers as the stranger in the house, the home uncomfortable by his presence, the

who made

disciplinarian. After

bombarding

his father, a retired railroad

ployee, with questions, Tony finds that

many

him home

it

em-

helps to stop asking too

questions of his father; he begins to listen to what his father

likes to talk about

and

finds

how much he can

learn from opening

himself up to his father in that way. Walking along those very road tracks that dominated his father's

life,

rail-

Tony hears things

never before told him by either parent, secrets hidden from him

when young

—

that his father, for

of the years his family

example, worked three jobs most

was young, often away from home more than

sixteen hours a day. Tony leaves his father with a

new appreciation

of the pressures of being responsible for a family, of having to

209

FINDING OUR FATHERS

how much money

provide, of measuring success as a parent by

and status one has earned.

When teletype

he

starts listening,

and

came through." After is

father's love for the

mechanical objects; he hears his dreams of overlooking train orders that

his fascination with

father confess that he "still

he

he discovers his

all,

he finds his father

willing to talk,

is

if

willing to listen.

At the end of Heroes and Strangers, both Tony and Lorna, the other young adult whose visit

home forms

movie, find some resolution, even thing happened between not exactly what visit is

home, the

I

if

me and my

father

were, after if it

—

was enough,

all, just that.

was hard

One

says,

not what

wanted," but the implication

listening,

able to describe what a good father

even

the emotional core of the

incomplete.

is

I

"some-

expected,

that for both the

satisfying.

At the end each

and both

feel their fathers

is

Being reassured that they were loved,

to see, satisfies

them. Each feels proud to be

both parent and child. way both Tony and Lorna are healing the wounded father within them; one has the impression Tony will be a more complete father and husband, Lorna a more complete wife and mother, for having explored their own fathers' lives. The process of healing is not necessarily dominated by talk about "feelings" between father and son or rehashing each disappointment or miscommunication. Working things out with father need not be a long psychological process. For many fathers and children healing involves an unspoken recognition of their love for each other, of their caring and shared history. One man told of merely becoming more interested in his father's fascination with horse racing and gambling at the track. "When I began to understand what pressures he had been under working at a high-power corporate job and raising a family with three sons in it, I could see how much of a release gambling was for him." This man made a more crucial discovery as well: "I realized that just because he gambled didn't mean that I had to do it too; that made it easier to the fathers offspring, a valuable

gift for

In this

accept

my

father for

who he

is."

210

Wounded Father

Healing the

come

In learning about their fathers, sons can

to see

them as

separate people, different from them. That can help the separation-individuation process, as the son realizes that he

is

respon-

own

identity as a man, that he is not chained to his and values. So the process of exploration may an acceptance of father, even if not a deep connection with physician, married with several children, said that "one of

sible for his

father's attitudes

lead to

him.

A

me

the most important things for

as

I

left

my

me

home

for Easter

father

no longer

and on edge. I could be with someone was constantly scratching

feeling angry and impatient

father without feeling as

their fingernails

if

on a blackboard."

many men

For

my

learned more about

over the years was that his visits to our

emseem uninterested or fact keep the connection

the process of exploring their fathers' lives,

pathizing with their pain, gets blocked. They afraid to

approach their fathers. Many

broken and to

will not

in

accept a reconciliation.

It's

striking in therapy

ask bitter patients: Would you take love from your father now,

A

if

number will reply, as Rod did, "No!" At a workshop on "Healing the Wounded Father," an anguished trial lawyer told of driving up to his family home on a Sunday visit he were

to give it?

startling

and driving away without stopping parked father,

in the garage. "It's too

we

his mother's car

embarrassing

to

was not

be alone with

my

know what to say to each other." That man, who own in the battle of the courtroom, didn't want to be

don't

can hold his left

if

alone with his father!

So healing the wounded father presents the son with inner ings so uncomfortable that he wants to turn away. of identity

and separation-individuation progress

in

feel-

The twin tasks tandem. As we

explore the outer world (what actually happened in our father's lives),

we

feelings

are reacquainted with material from the inner world (our

and fantasies about

often block guilt,

and

their yearning for father,

The man may be put back didn't get

4

Those unfinished feelings men, as they fear being swamped by their shame, their father).

and

if

they get too close to him.

in touch with his

anger

at

what he

his wish to be taken care of by a perfect father

211

who

FINDING OUR FATHERS

will

have

all

the answers for him.

It is

certainly easier to be angry

with a parent, to blame one's father for not giving enough and thus

lament the

fact that

you can't get on with your

life.

Many men

harbor a profound wish for a perfect father who really

them from the

will save

and anxieties of making a marriage work,

risks

rais-

ing children, and dealing with success and failure in the world of

work

— an

Odysseus brought down from the clouds by the gods who let you down and leaves you to deal with

rather than 01' Dad,

on your own. Healing the wounded father means accepting

life

some

of our aloneness, giving

of you, will set you is

on your

up the wish

that

Dad

will take care

had. Accepting that loss ther and seeing that

it

is

means

to

it.

So one man could

it

we wish we

tolerating the wish for such a fa-

really a childhood

harbored such a yearning too;

admit

There

feet so you'll never fear slipping.

grief in that loss of the fantasied all-powerful father

doesn't

dream. Our fathers

make one

less of a

finally write of his father,

man

to

"Dad, we

share the same bewilderment, the same mystery in the face of what is."

5

Seeing our fathers as human, accepting their

lapses, allows us to accept our

own

frailties

and

frailties

and imperfections

in

this world.

A

second uncomfortable feeling involves our bodies and our

yearning for "holding" from father. for father, they often

hold their

own

When men

recontact their wish

experience a visceral wish

fathers; that

to

be held by or

can be very disturbing

bringing up homosexual panic.

I

am

for a

convinced that many

yearn for physical contact with their fathers.

We

to

man,

men

don't feel that

connection very much: direct physical holding, comforting, the

warmth of our father's bodies, their ability to hold us, and ours to comfort and hold them. That physical yearning may reflect the bond or "ontological link" between father and son that the sociologist Thomas Cottle notes from his interviews with fathers and sons. 6

When

I

realized

father, feeling

how much

angry

at

of

my

life I

had spent distancing

my

and scared of him, the feeling led directly

212

Healing the

to a

wish

year,"

hold him that shocked and scared me. 'This whole

to

wrote at one point in

I

Wounded Father

my

wrestling with you, Dad, having together, exhausted.

I

want

now

journal, "I see it

I

have been

out on a dusty plain, locked

your grief into mine, bury your

to take

my chest weeping while I cry on yours." Such yearnings, which men probably feel as children for their fathers, can feel disgusting and repulsive, particularly for men who have repressed or renounced their hunger to be held and comforted. But when we imagine holding and caring for our fathers head on

and

letting

them do so

for us,

hold and care for others.

We

we

own ability to own connection to our bod-

are freeing our

heal our

So Robert Bly can merge imagery of the

ies.

son's in his stunning prose

This body offers

—

father's body and the poem, "Finding the Father":

to carry

us for nothing

—

as the ocean car-

some days the body wails with its great energy, it smashes up the boulders, lifting small crabs, that flow around the sides. Someone knocks on the door, we do not have time to dress. He wants us to come with him ries logs

so on

through the blowing and rainy streets,

We

will go there, the

whom we

body says, and there

have never met, who wandered

we were

the night

born,

who then

lived since longing for his child, .

.

.

light the

the door .

.

.

find the father

in a

snowstorm

lost his

memory, and has

whom

he saw only once

while he worked as a shoemaker, as a cattle herder in

Australia, as a restaurant cook

you

dark house.

to the

.

.

.

lamp you

who painted

will see him.

He

at night.

sits

the eyebrows so heavy, the forehead so light

lonely in his whole body, waiting for you.

In order for us to be able to "hold" others as

7

men, we have

imagine ourselves being held by our fathers, perhaps the

we wanted

A

to

When

there behind

first

to

male

hold and be held by.

third set of uncomfortable feelings involved in healing the

213

FINDING OUR FATHERS

wounded

father involves our fear of our fathers and our guilt at our

betrayal of them. "After

all, I

my

did choose

mother," a

man

at a

workshop on fathers admitted, laughing nervously. Many men as children or adolescents did enter into an alliance with mother to exclude father. It was an ambivalent alliance in that many sons also

wanted contact with

and

father,

was usually an unconscious

it

alliance in that the son wasn't aware of his preference to be with

many men

mother. Nonetheless,

Dad on

did feel more comfortable having

We

the outside of the family, not having to deal with him.

carry around a

wounded

our imagining of what he

father within felt at

who

is

constructed out of

our betrayal.

To think about father, to talk to him honestly,

means

to

be

plunged back into a shadowy, scary world of family cross-currents

and divided forgets our

who

loyalities, of a father

unnamed

will

accuse us, who never

sins.

Bruce Springsteen's song "My Father's House"

who runs desperately

at twilight

is

about a

man

through the meadows he used to

play in as a child, crossing the highway in front of his childhood

home,

in search of the father

who

is

no longer there. At the screen

door he finds his father gone and his way blocked by a

who knows

mother?)

My It

father's

nothing.

The

woman

(his

refrain:

house shines hard and bright,

stands like a beacon calling

me

in the night.

Shining and calling so cold and alone Shining across this dark highway

Where our

The

silent

prevents

sins lie unatoned

my mother meant I

to

to

.

between

sins toward the father

terms with him.

It's

too terri-

how much me throughout my childhood and how disThe following memories

was from my father led me

of accusation

.

male struggle with unatoned

many men from coming

fying to bring into the open.

tanced

8 .

me and

him.

214

of

to picture a frightening

scene

Healing the

Father's

Wounded Father

Room and Mother's Room

When

was a

I

little

boy and

my

parents went out at night,

my

mother would always bring back a present for me. I'd be still awake, reading, when they got home from the movies, or a din-

Once

it

was a

treat off the table at

was a flower inside a

shell.

When

ner or a dance. It

you put the

some banquet.

shell, all closed

up, into water, it slowly opened, and a long flower came out. I remember it was late at night, I was in bed with the light on, and she came in wearing her long evening dress, carrying this present. We watched the beautiful flower open up in the light

my memory, my mother

refracted through a glass of water. In

looks beautiful too,

Her perfume

am maybe

my

childhood memories

terribly important gifts.

my

When

mother and

room shedding

when beginning

in light.

I

I

got

would

I

home from sit

appears as the

She represents those

and

school on a cold

hour because

I

much

it

liked the comfort of chill

scattered light across the room.

The

I

later,

asked

my

ther-

dark of the Boston win-

such a time available, and that became our rating reality from fantasy.)

lamp

talk, the table

glow around us. (Much,

its

desk lamp casting away the

ter afternoon as

my mother

the required therapy for a psychologist,

for a late afternoon

apist s

The room seems bathed

the room.

of energy, of optimism.

light,

winter day, in her

radiant and bright in her dinner dress.

seven or eight.

In most of

source of

fills

all

light in

first

He

didn't have

lesson in sepa-

my mothers room

cast

away the gloom for me. I felt safe near her. This was an adolescent gloom, which I think of as having gripped

my

entire family during

my

teenage years.

We were coming home from a winter vacation in the Catskills. A glorious week away, my brother and I from school, my father from his I

have one very clear memory about that gloom.

store,

and my mother away from the house.

We

had a grand time

skiing, wonderful meals, long walks, free time together.

ther was relaxed; both

my

Then on Sunday

we drove back

night

My

fa-

parents seemed to enjoy themselves.

urbs.

215

to

our house in the sub-

FINDING OUR FATHERS

Gloom descended

at once. It was torture to think of the next Sunday evening TV started: "Maverick," "Gunsmoke," "77 Sunset Strip." None of those palliatives seemed to be doing any

day.

We

good.

all

acted as

kitchen, where

in a state of shock.

if

my mother had

time cleaning up.

I

found her

seeing me, she started to

in the pantry.

cry.

I

wandered

into the

spent an inordinate amount of I

walked

over, and,

Both of us knew the reason. Va-

week of light and companionship, was over. In room my father sat in his usual chair. He had disap-

cation, a brief

the

TV

peared again behind his mask. I

didn't

down

—

had the

know what

to

make

of that mask.

she had the feelings

light,

He

just

seemed

my mother and showed them. My father

not really there. Depressed.

It's

not only that

was a mystery.

He was my I

realized, to

me

father, a bigger version of

my

sadness, that

me. That message

my mother

I

got.

could be nothing like

my father. mime it. During this year, though, something has changed in my feeling for my father. Perhaps it's the birth of my son, seeing his as

I

Before

I

assumed

it

would be

even heard the word depression,

I

learned to

would be as an

adult.

I

and the strong confident way he holds, talks to, and plays with him. It's a tenderness he and I rarely showed each other. Perhaps it is seeing how much my father is willing to talk to me, his recognition of "how hard things were with us all in adolescence. I wish I had been home

joyful tender love for his grandchild

more,

I

doing

it

was so preoccupied with better."

that store

— your generation

is

That long walk we took down Commonwealth

Avenue before Toby was born when he wanted to talk about what it was like to be a father. The goodwill and humanity he revealed by talking about the "remarkable capacity to show affection, to we couldn't do it as be nurturant in men of your generation easily. You know I was working in the Air Force the day you were born." Perhaps it is those talks, perhaps it is watching him

—

with Toby, or perhaps

it

these days that leads

me

father

I

forgot, or

is

just seeing his goodwill

to

remember

perhaps he forgot as well.

blinded.

216

and optimism

the wonderful parts of

We

my

both became

Wounded Father

Healing the

my father I have to understand how important my me and my brother. At some level she seemed the the family, holding it together. And at that level we

To regain

mother was center of

to

were, without knowing

our fanaticism

knows? I

it,

— maybe around

symbolized by

terrified of losing her,

And my

smoking.

her

about

father

— who when

the time of the kosher rebellion,

ordered the veal parmigiana and committed myself on her side,

My

he must have feared the marriage would come apart.

was going

to

mother

work, eating shrimp, signaling her resentment in a

hundred ways. What was his sense of failure and guilt, particularly since her going to work coincided with financial pressure because of business

difficulties

he experienced?

My

must

father

And

have been very scared then of losing the wife he loved.

we,

her sons, were afraid she would die. The centrality of mothers in the family

looked I

at

seems very oppressive and too powerful when

from this perspective!

have a strange memory about that intoxication with

mother that dates back

to

when

were going out, and instead of giving everyone the I

usually did at bedtime, this evening

TV, washed, got into

my

My

was very young.

I

I

mented me on being such a good

boy.

I

prehend, even now, though the memory

came

of shock, even repulsion, on her face.

ory filled replied.

me

Most

and compli-

looked up

at her, filled

is

I

just barely

strong,

and

likely she

I

don't

chalked

"kids say the damndest things." the whole incident I

think

I

it

too,

wanted

It

was expressing my

to

with a look

was shocked

at

mem-

remember what my mother up to a demonic version of was never mentioned again;

was tucked away and

forgotten.

my mother would leave my need for her. For young children And here she was doing a small leaving,

us and also the depth of

death means "leaving."

I,

I

com-

said:

mouth. For the longest time the

with shame.

My

in

"That's okay, Mom, you're going to die soon and make your last days as good as possible." What a bizarre thing to say! My mother recoiled

my

off the

pajamas, and hopped into bed.

with a combination of longing and rage that

what had come out of

time

difficult

was good, turned

mother, on her way downstairs to leave,

my

parents

217

terror that

FINDING OUR FATHERS

leaving our safe

home

in the night, transforming

into a fright-

it

My comment now seems a stone my need and my rage at her for going

ening place until she returned. I

hurled, welding together

my make your last days as good as possible"). It also may have been some kind of child's magic to prevent the tragedy. Was I deathly afraid of losing the one person in my life who nurtured my feelings and helped me feel ("you're going to die" so

let's

love acting out the good boy

.

.

perhaps even then

really alive? Yet

important.

get the worst over with) with

(".

Maybe my words

recognized she was too

I

had some nastiness

also

in

them

a boy wishing to get that smothering female presence away from

him.

Where was my that he

memory?

father in that

I

didn't

seem angry

was leaving.

my

Recognizing the pressures on

father during

my

teens

is

shocker. His sadness seems understandable, poignant, yet

these years I've thought of him as angry.

I

a

all

never thought of him

as intensely sad in those days. His sadness was one of those

family secrets no one was allowed to talk about. Yet family secrets of that kind

you sense as a kid;

I

wanted

to protect

him

even as he enraged and frightened me.

The

TV

room

in our

house was his room, the place where he

spent most weekday evenings; sat there for hours, with a

He

it

was

his after-hours office.

He

bowl of fruit or other food beside him.

retired there after dinner like a Victorian

husband

retiring to

smoking room for a cigar. Often we joined him, and to be with Dad meant to be with the TV. We'd talk and the TV would be on. It's not that he particularly wanted to be alone, but we the

rarely

had contact without the accompaniment of the TV, the in the background, and the favorite he-

commercials eternally roes: Sid

Caesar with his amazing manic humor; elegant, tough

Richard Boone in "Have Gun, Will Travel," or just plain tough James Arness of "Gunsmoke," Efrem Zimbalist, Jr. of "77 Sun,

set Strip," or

my

favorite,

James Garner as

Brett Maverick, the

cocky, cool, smart, and fancy riverboat gambler.

There were men of action

in

my

father's

men. But they were on the screen, not couch. What a heavy burden our fathers

218

den, strong, silent

in the chairs or

on the

lived with in the

1950s

Wounded Father

Healing the

and 1960s, how oppressive those mythic TV figures were, presenting to their own children images that degraded them. What ground

fertile

measure up

for

resentment in children whose fathers didn't

TV

to the

Perhaps "naming your father,"

ideals!

accepting him as your own, means saying goodbye

James Gar-

to

ner and accepting the real struggles of our real fathers. to turn off the

A

It's

time

TV.

vast longing

fills

me, even as

I

Those were the

write this.

me courage, a powerful strain of masculinity that would reassure me of my own. A man like Maverick or Boone, who would stand behind me when I had

fathers

men who might

wanted,

I

give

deal with the toughs in Tuckahoe High School and make mincemeat out of the kids in the playground. With his wits and his fists. Those were the ersatz men I compared to my father, to

and found him wanting. What a brother,

my

mother, and

TV

cent, evil

were being ripped

I

screen. Christ,

And when talked with my

father, wasn't it?

When

I

it

it

TV

torture to turn off the

My

say goodbye. They were real and they weren't.

was on

was

I

me

as

much

might want

my

by that innoas for

my

there was just

off,

father,

for

off

and

father,

my

father.

ask him a

to

question but was afraid to interrupt the show, or even the commercial. If

I

did get through, the questions

anything like the ones

felt I

when I had Atoms and

there was the time

atoms and the universe. scribed as so alike, then

was

I

stairs

could ask

talk about

it.

Up

talk followed,

Come

I

asked were never really explode?"

the big revelation about solar systems were de-

I

even asked him

the stairs to

during a break in whatever puzzled by what

I

mother. I'd ask about

banged my ruler against my desk,

if I

destroying whole worlds?

and

my

"Dad, could a car engine

objects, or facts.

Then

I

TV

to

my room he

show was

come updid come,

on. But he

seemed

was asking; a few minutes of disconnected

and then back

to think of

it,

I

to

TV. Another chance missed.

was always asking my father about

violence: battles, wars, destroying devices, explosions.

The

talk

was always indirect, through things connected with male aggression.

Never personal questions about the things

that

were really

feel

so shy in

bothering me. It

was my mother

I

asked,

219

"How come

I

FINDING OUR FATHERS

school?" or "I get so angry

And we'd

discuss

it,

my

at

Why?"

brother sometimes.

she'd talk about herself, growing up, her

feelings then, too.

This went on upstairs in her bedroom with the door shut,

my

while

and usually my

father,

be in a chair next

to the

were downstairs

brother,

my mother

TV. Long receptions held by

at

the

in her small salon; I'd

end table with the warm

while

light on,

she'd be sitting on top of her bed, usually sewing or something.

Our talk ranged everywhere, from my plans to

My

father's

TV

what

for the future to

do about a teenager's self-conscious fear of

stuttering.

room and my mother's bedroom: The distance

between them seems enormous even now, though one was almost directly above the other in our two-story house.

rassed

I

separated from that

TV

my

room, and

How

embar-

about sitting up there so many evenings,

feel today

father I

know

and I

brother.

I

think of

rejected him, even as

my

father in

felt

I

he was

rejecting me.

my

Adolescence. The word rings in shit hit the fan.

I

was a teenager, and

it

was time

nonsense and become a man. Before age twelve or

happy

kid.

When

I

only hit me, they hit

became

my

There was a business

when

head. That's

the

to cut the

so,

was a

I

a teenager, all sorts of things not

family like a tidal wave. failure

—

When

a major event.

the car-

pet stores were expanded, problems arose, ending in a huge financial loss.

It

to get out of that.

He

— almost

my

—

my

father

paid back every penny he owed, and

to his

took years

honor kept his business alive

until

all

it

teens

became healthy

could have declared bankruptcy, but he chose the

courageous route. Yet what a trauma

There thers

is

for

it

again.

difficult

must have been

for

He and

him!

a particular pressure point in the lives of most fa-

and sons, a point where unpredictable

life

cycle idiosyn-

crasies put each unavoidably at odds with the other.

When

a

son's adolescence coincides with the father's business problems,

setbacks that profoundly shake his self-esteem, the pressure

must

rise

exponentially.

During adolescence the son

truly

emerges as a separate being struggling with sexuality and aggression. If there are special failures or vulnerabilities with

220

Healing the

Wounded Father

which the father himself

struggling, their relationship under-

is

goes tremendous strain.

There was,

too, the revolutionary

and worked hard succeeded

keep

to

change

My

ing habits, the Kosher Rebellion.

in the family's eat-

parents loved each other

their marriage together.

They have

growing closer, not more distant, through

in

shocks and changes. That's no small accomplishment

happy to

if

and

Julie

I

see that. Strange

can do as

well.

how memories

It's

taken

me

—

I'll

all

be

twenty years

of your father can be domi-

nated by a single, sharp time in his and your

life;

we

forget or

ignore the parent as he or she was before and after that time. Is

man of today also my father? my father was as he appeared in

not the loving and confident

The dominant image 1950s, true or false as

he had failed as a

of it

may

man and

the

be, nursing his wounds, feeling

as a husband.

Having dragged him-

courtroom of American success, he then judged

self into the

himself wanting. At the same time he had allowed his Jewish heritage to be betrayed.

And into I

there

was, good old Sam, running

I

full tilt into puberty,

manhood. feel

it

was

at that point

my mother said

to

my father, without me over, be the

words, "He's yours," meaning he should take role model.

And my

knowing how all

It

to

seems

father

and

I

kept staring

at

each other, not

do that dance. to

be summarized

in

one scene from that

TV

remember walking in with a homework assignment: "Dad, we have a debate in history class tomorrow about whether England should have signed the Munich accords and delayed World War II for a year. What do you think?" room.

He

I

is sitting

alone on the couch in his room, looking over-

weight and angry. But he gives

away from the screen speak I

to

me

of

to

me

his attention, turning his gaze

me. His eyes are

full of love

but also

mourning and preoccupation.

couldn't care less about his answer,

contact with him.

What

I

really

want

to say

I

just

want

to

make

(and of course don't)

is: "Why is this house so sad? Mom is upstairs working on a film dubbing project and doesn't seem so happy; you're down here

221

FINDING OUR FATHERS

in my room doing homework How come nobody's happy? Is this

and you don't seem so happy. I'm

and don't what

happy

feel

about?"

life is all

want and

I

and love

from

my

my

don't want to talk to

I

fear,

at all.

fight

my

brain to

father.

suddenly dry mouth.

"The Munich accord allowed England But

can hear another, a

I

me

(or

"You've stolen

And

silent fantasy dialogue.

my

Why

wife from me.

is

she upstairs

grow up. You're just a woman's Every day

do.

go

I

While you

sit

can't

even though

to the store,

talk,

You

boy.

have a good time.

around and

flirt

I

the

all

talks to, not me.

think you're such a smart-ass, so good with words, boy.

around and

see

imagine?) a look of accusation on his face.

down here with me? You she

time, and not

develop radar, a key

to

he answered.

to the Battle of Britain,"

again before

Embarassment,

out silently along every neural pathway

it

You

Time

hate

it.

I

don't

do what I'm supposed

I

with

my

to

do the hard work.

wife.

You rotten

sit

to

kid,

me to shame. It's time for you to be a man!" And how did I look at him? What was I wanting to say? "What is ailing you, Dad? What is it? Why is your job

putting

painful?

about

Why

can't you

because you're a man?

it? Is it

a man? Mother tic,

do something about

talks,

head reels even as

seven in feelings

what they

are.

I

knew

I

at

To be a man:

duty, having a pain

"But yes!"

what

it

so

at least talk

means

to be

what

it

means

to be

write this, caught

a woman?

up

at

age twelve. Except now to

age I

thirty-

can say

be boring and narrow, doing your

you can't talk about, giving up everything

but working hard and hating

angry and trapped

Or

she takes charge of things, she's optimis-

exciting. Smart. Is that

My

Is that

it?

it.

I

wouldn't accept that then.

How

I felt!

my high school teachers threw back man must be. Powerful, narrow,

exactly what a

Looking and acting important even

if

hollow

at

me. 'That's

doing things. at

the

core.

real

male

Strength and cockiness."

Those subjects

I

had such trouble with were the

ones: algebra, geometry, chemistry. Christ, our algebra teacher

was the football coach!

I

can see his

222

flattop haircut still.

And

Healing the

making

the chemistry teacher,

experiments

Wounded Father

— he even looked

rules, deriving formulas, doing

like

my

How could

father.

he not?

In the 1950s all adult males looked alike.

None

of that

was apparent

courses. Instead

I

got caught

to

up

me

in high school or in college

in halfway rejection of the prev-

my

alent version of maleness, but since

seemed feminine identity

I

between

my

forced to swallow an

mother's room and

home and my complicated

at

desire to hold onto what

felt

I

didn't want but couldn't or wouldn't reject. That split

I

started with the split

room

"shameful,"

felt

relationship with

didn't actually fail those subjects in high school

reject them, refuse to get

good grades. That was a rebellion

against the conveyor belt of adolescence that

and couldn't

get

since

off,

my father's my father. as much as

I

was leading me

it

had stepped onto to that great

god

Manhood, a merciless and unrelenting god. Stripping me of feelings, and converting girls who had been friends into sex objects I must score with; transforming closeness and enjoyment into aggression.

But

got

I

on that conveyor belt of

my own

score, get good grades, be an athlete, go out

Also,

accord.

I

wanted

to

and do, conquer.

didn't want to.

I

Ah, the heart turned against

itself,

not atypical of adoles-

cence. You want to do two things at once and so use a classic

You do what's demanded of

strategy for an intolerable situation:

you and reject that contortion.

man

at the

it

I

same

time.

Most kids are pretty good

rebelled but didn't quite;

I

tried to

but always held myself back, on the periphery.

Become

about the scientific method; freeze up

scientist, but grouse

work during the week, but

let

it

at

be a real a at

out on weekends. Get involved

but hang back, care but don't care.

There perhaps

truly is a terror in it's

easier to

each of us

blame someone

who we

looking at

letting us

be what we want," as

selves.

see no more imaginary accusations from

I

none from

me

to

him.

We

such pressures on a man

if

we

at

are;

else or the world for "not didn't feel ambivalent our-

my

father;

each do the best we can. There are to live up, to perform.

He had his And he

struggles with his mother and father, and with his sons.

223

FINDING OUR FATHERS

did

it!

He

did

fine.

Ah, Dad, we

truly

do "share the same be-

wilderment."

The Wounded Father

in

Our Hearts

Healing a wounded father may not come

in actual dialogue with

him. There are at times real limits on the degree of rapprochement a

man can

the

achieve with his father. Fathers as they age

same importance the son does

may want

to feel that everything is "okay," that they

over to the younger, stronger generation

and get

may

not see

in "processing things."

—

They

can turn things

not to open

up the past

into "all that" again.

By the time many men having aged into their

work

try to

it

out with their fathers,

work

thirties or forties, they don't get to

out because the roles are almost reversed; father

may be

it

less

ill,

The separation and rapprochement, the father's life cycle, may in such cases be

productive, less energetic.

coming

at the

end of

short-circuited.

As one

forty-year-old

ing his failed attempt to

home, "age seventy

is

make peace

said, ruefully recount-

with his father after a visit

not the best time for a father to learn

psychological defenses." What's

"make

man

left

to

many men,

then,

new is

to

up" to father in some way, to show father that they are a good son, and thus perpetuate the acting-out tradition. 9 While many men have fathers who are alive and accessible, many do not. A man may not know where his father is, or a parent may have died before there can be any reconciliation. The unavailability of fathers when their grown sons search for reunion is likely to

it

become an increasing problem, given

the high divorce rate.

A

recent survey of father—child contact after parental divorce found that

by early adolescence 50 percent of the children had no contact

with their fathers, while

30 percent had only sporadic contact with

him; only 20 percent of the children saw their fathers once a week or more.

10

We may

be facing a psychological time bomb within the

younger generations of men and women now coming of age. Healing the wounded father becomes more complex when a

224

fa-

Wounded Father

Healing the

ther

is

dead, emotionally inaccessible, or physically unavailable.

In such cases one

is

deprived of the actual emotional healing that

comes from reaching common ground with one's father, hearing and seeing a new bond forged between the generations. And the son is deprived too of feeling that he has been able to give to his helping

father,

heal his father's emotional wounds.

to

who spoke of the death emphysema, and the importance of a single, final act of forgiveness between them. Coming from a wealthy upper-class family in the South, he told of how "we had fought throughout my adolescence about who I dated, and which women were 'proper' for a person of my class and backSteve

a thirty-nine-year-old musician

is

of his father fifteen years earlier from

ground. This was

all

during the 1960s, and his attitudes

So of course

furious.

unacceptable

I

started living with a

him; she was never invited

to

woman

made me

completely

house." Then,

to the

unexpectedly, Steve's father was hospitalized for his chronic em-

physema. The son had

on a

to

home from

rush

respirator, close to death.

Atlanta to find his father

walked

"I

room, and he

in the

He couldn't talk because of the tubes in his throat, but he wrote me a note. It said T want to meet Anne, I want everything to be And then he made a sign with his hands that smiled

at

me.

.

we hugged.

I

.'

.

meant \A-OK'

.

.

that day, before

'when

.

said

I

I

go.' I

he could meet

those last words meant to me. I felt,

it

allowed

me

cried so

to realize

stopped and then added:

"It

But

her.

I

can hardly

meant

Let's leave everything

father.

He tell

freed

I

don't have to

that,

I

and

died later

you what anger Steve

remember him

think often of that final sign

A-OK."

Steve provides clear expression of what

wounded

too.

me from the guilt and how much he meant to me."

It

being angry and disappointed in me.

he made:

when he did

wanted everything that way

The inner image

it

means

of his father

to heal the

was no longer an

and disappointed one, but rather more accepting and forgiving. That means Steve is freed of thinking of himself as one who disappointed his father and finds that fathers can forgive and accept they are not merely stern, judgmental figures. After angry, critical,

—

225

FINDING OUR FATHERS

may then have less need unyielding figure in his own relationships.

learning that lesson, the son authoritarian,

When

son tries to

likely to continue longer after the death, as the

is

come

terms with his father and his feelings about

to

him without a sure sense after the sudden death of don't think about

him are

be an

a father dies before the son can heal the relationship, the

grieving process

I

to

my

fleeting, as if

I

of

how

to

do

One man

so.

some

me

a year

day doesn't go by when

his father that "a

father at

told

point.

But

my

thoughts of

don't want to stay too long with them, like

I'm scared to look too closely."

However,

it is

possible

still to

engage an absent father

logue of emotional growth. The son

may

in a dia-

write imaginary dialogues

between himself and his father and other family members, or write unmailed

dead or absent

letters to a

father.

Such exercises may

temper the wounded image of father a man carries

They allow the son

in his heart.

examine the anger and disappointment in the father-son relationship, often giving way to greater acceptance to

and understanding. Through imaginary dialogues we can remember the abandonment and betrayal

we

are no longer prisoners of

Several

men

we

felt,

memories we

and

it

may

hurt less;

can't retrieve.

with dead fathers talked of finding letters, journals,

or diaries their fathers kept

and reading them with a hunger

for

information about the man's feeling and experiences.

Whether that

father

wounded

available or not,

is

reconciliation

or friendship

father are different.

It is

is

it

with

important to remember

father

and healing the

certainly possible to heal oneself

without reconciliation with father.

And

it is

conversely possible to

achieve a surface friendship with father without healing oneself.

That

is

because the essential elements

in healing are the internal

image of father and the sense of masculinity that the son carries in The son needs to be able to understand the always

his heart.

poignant reasons

why

the past was the

way

it

was, thus freeing him

from his sense of having been betrayed by father or having been a betrayer of him, and he needs to explore satisfying ways to be male that reflect his

own

identity.

We

226

can recognize that we are our

Healing the

father's

son without feeling that we have to accept and love every-

thing about

him

Ultimately

must

own

Wounded Father

it

or all that is

happened between

us.

the internal image of our fathers that all

heal. All sons

need

to heal the

hearts, on their own.

wounded

The process

involves exploring not just

— ways

the past but also the present and future

of being

male

that

narrow images that

reflect a richer, fuller sense of self than the

dominated the

men

fathers within their

past. In truth that is the task of all

men

today: to

explore the masculine nurturer and caretaker within, to test out

and evolve a strong manly sense of oneself as a and peers.

father, in relation

to a wife, children,

The search

what

to identify

it

means

be a father who cares and protects than just by imitating a John

nessman/breadwinner,

to

be a male nurturer,

Wayne tough

to

more engaged way

in a fuller,

guy/soldier or a busi-

the serious quest that underlies the at

is

times seemingly comic male self-explorations of our times.

men

be strong and caring? Those are themes that

How

to

are struggling

with. Sitting at lunch with a former just turned forty,

I

Harvard administrator who has

hear about his recent week

north of San Francisco.

Of

all

at a

men's retreat

the activities of those days, one

incident stands out for him.

"One

of the exercises

we did was based on

those American In-

dian initiation ceremonies where the brave has to run a gauntlet

composed of all the men of the tribe." The entire group of fifty men lined up in a gauntlet, and each person ran down it, holding a doll, an infant. "The doll was to give us a purpose, we were to shelter it from the blows as

we

ran."

Enfolding the vulnerable with male strength.

Another image: As

I sit

pleasant spring Sunday, children.

It

at

we

a playground with

my young

son on a

are surrounded by other parents and

being a weekend, there are many fathers with their see a familiar scene.

An

older boy, about seven, goes up to a younger one and punches

him

kids.

Suddenly across the playground

227

I

FINDING OUR FATHERS

on the shoulder. The blow

not particularly savage, and the

is

kid seems more shocked than hurt.

littler

The older boy seems quite

angry and upset; he's clearly working something out.

One could

easily imagine that boy getting a good spanking from his father.

wonder what

I'd

the boy's father

do

if

my

he comes near

comes over and gently

writhes and protests, crying in his father's arms, while the carries

him over

to a

nearby bench. Despite his son's

He

father does this forcefully yet also gently.

boy in his lap, and then

I

I

As I watch though, picks him up. The boy boy.

man

fighting, the

and rocks the

sits

hear him whispering, almost singing, in

his son's ear:

"I'm not going to

do not

I

in his

other children.'"

As they

T am a

say,

sit

hit

gentle boy and

there, the

arms, the father repeats the refrain: "I

do not

I

hit

you go until you

let

am

boy sheltered

a gentle boy and

other children." Finally the boy seems soothed, sings

along with his father, and runs off to play by himself. Sheltering with male strength. Is this the old identity or a

one? The underlying wish seems

to

be

way

to find a

to

new

be a strong

male without also being destructive.

Becoming a parent

As we have

helps.

seen, the transition to

fatherhood has the potential for creating a vastly changed perspective

on one's

self

and one's

father. Yet not all

there are other ways to heal the

wounded

men

are parents, and

father in our hearts.

Creative solutions such as the arts, music, crafts, which allow the exploration of the self,

One man

may be

emotionally at age

five,

remembered

his father both loved music.

but recently he realized

He

who

plays the piano as a hobby today,

"My

love lay secretly in their

involvement in music seemed

express a repressed part in himself. ...

walk around

in the

backyard

father left him how much he and

felt his

as an adult

how much hidden

shared love of the instrument. to

very helpful.

in a childless marriage,

in the

summer

He

especially liked to

listening to the sounds

my piano practicing coming through the back windows." This man had completely forgotten for twenty years the pleasure his of

father took in the son's talent; he spoke

228

now

of imagining his father

Healing the

listening happily at the

Wounded Father

window when he plays the piano,

trans-

forming his image of father as a demanding, withdrawn presence into a satisfied, supportive one.

At bottom, healing the wounded father

is

a process of untangling

and fantasies sons learn growing up about self, mother, and father, which we act out every day with bosses, wives, and children. It means constructing a satisfying sense of manhood both from our opportunities in a time of changing sex-roles and by "diving into the wreck" of the past and retrieving a firm, sturdy appreciation of the heroism and failure in our fathers' lives. Wallace Stevens reminds us of "the son who bears upon his back/The father that he loves, and bears him from/The ruins of the past, out of the myths

nothing

left."

11

Every

man needs

to identify the

good in his

father,

how we are like them, as well as the ways we are different from them. From that, I believe, comes a fuller, trustworthy sense to feel

of masculinity, a

way

of caring

out being destructive. That ture, our history

the future. tilizing

It is

and nurturing, of being strong with-

way

still reflects

masculine muscula-

and our bodies, and our active participation a way of sheltering those

we

in

love without infan-

them, of holding them and transmitting the sure, quiet

knowledge that men as well as women are earth.

229

lifegiving forces

on

Notes and References

Introduction 1

.

A

and personality inventories were adminsample of 25 percent of the Harvard classes of 1964 and 1965 throughout their college years. Beginning in 1978 we sent a detailed questionnaire to the 510 men who participated in the college research. It was returned by 370 men, or over 70 percent of the original group. The questionnaire obtained a broad picture of these men's life experiences since leaving college, and their current life situation. Fifty men from this group were randomly selected to be interviewed, subject to the constraint that most of them lived in the Northeast and all were currently active in professional careers. These men were interviewed twice within a week on an annual basis over two years, with a third-year interview scheduled in selected cases of special interest. Each interview session variety of questionnaires

istered to a representative

231

FINDING OUR FATHERS

and followed a semistructured life history have developed as a research method. The technique allows

lasted two or three hours,

format

I

own life history and obtains each subject detailed information on the work, parenting, and marital parts of present life as well as the key developmental experiences of the person from childhood, through adolescence and college, into young adulthood and at midlife. Subsequently, twenty-five of the wives of these men were similarly interviewed as part of a doctoral dissertation at the Harvard Graduate School of Education. See S. Osherson and D. Dill, "Varying Work and Family Choices: Their Impact on Men's Work Satisfaction," Journal of Marriage and the Family, May 1983; S. Osherson, "Work-Family Dilemmas of the subject to construct a picture of his

for

Professional Careers," final report to the National Institute of Education,

NIE-G-77-0049, 1982; and D. Hulsizer, "Marriage and

Adult Development: Views from Midlife," unpublished doctoral dissertation, 2.

See

S.

Harvard Graduate School of Education, 1983.

Osherson, Holding

at Midlife 3.

D. Ullian,

On or Letting Go: Men and Career Change

(New York: The Free

"Why Boys

Will

Press, 1980).

Be Boys: A

Structural Perspective,"

American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 1981: 493—501; J. Lever, "Sex Differences in the Games Children Play," Social Problems, 23 (1976): 478-487; G. W. Goethals, "Male Object Loss: A Special Case of Bereavement, Anxiety, and Fear," Psychotherapy, Spring 1985, 22 (1): 119-127; E. Pitcher and L. S. Schultz, Boys and Girls At Play: The Development of Sex Roles (New York: Praeger, 1983); I. Bretherton, Symbolic Play (New York: Academic Press, 1984); Z. Luria, S. Freidman, and M. D. Rose, Human Sexuality (New York: Wiley, 1986). 4.

Peter Davison,

"Rites of Passage:

1946," in

P.

Davison, Half-

Remembered: A Personal History (New York: Harper and Row, 1973). 5.

The

historical vicissitudes of the father— son relationship are a ne-

glected aspect of our cultural history. Family historians are begin-

ning to explore our father history and have pointed to evidence of periods of positive relationship and closeness as well as ones of more distance and alienation.

De

Tocqueville, for example, praised the

intimacy and affection of the father— son relationship he observed during his travels in America during the 1830s. Joseph Pleck re-

views the historical literature on changing images of the father-son relationship in his paper "The Father Wound," The Center for Research on

Women,

Wellesley College, Wellesley,

232

MA

02181.

I

am

Notes and References

indebted

to

him

for

drawing my attention

to several of the

references

discussed in this section. 6. S.

The Hite Report on Male Sexuality (New York: Knopf,

Hite,

1981), p. 17. 7. J.

Arcana, Every Mothers Son: The Role of Mothers in the Making of City, N.Y.: Doubleday, 1983); p. 143.

Men (Garden 8. J.

Sternbach, 'The Masculinization Process," unpublished paper,

RFD 9. S.

Box 607, Vineyard Haven,

Cath, A. Gurwitz, and

J.

MA 02568.

M. Ross

(eds.), Father

and Developmental Considerations

Clinical

and Child:

(Boston: Little. Brown,

1982). 10.

11.

Donald Bell begins his book Being a Man with a chapter on "fathers and sons," essentially beginning his own self-portrait by talking about his father. D. Bell, Being a Man: the Paradox of Masculinity, (Brattleboro, Vt.: Greene, 1982). J.

Pleck, 'The Father Wound."

Childhood and Society (New York: Norton, 1963).

12. E. Erikson,

Chodorow, The Reproduction of Mothering (Berkeley: University of California Press, 1978); D. Dinnerstein, The Mermaid and the Minotaur: Sexual Arrangements and the Human Malaise (New York: Harper and Row, 1976); L. Rubin, Intimate Strangers (New York: Harper and Row, 1983); G. W. Goethals, "Symbiosis and the Life Cycle," British Journal of Medical Psychology, 46, 1973: 91-96; G. W. Goethals, "Male Object Loss: A Special Case of Bereavement, Anxiety, and Fear."

13. N.

14.

J.

Pleck, Working Wives, Working Husbands (Beverly Hills, Calif.:

Sage, 1985), and

J.

Pleck, "Husbands' Paid

Work and Family

Current Research Issues," in H. Lopata and

J.

Roles:

Pleck (eds.), Re-

search in the Interweave of Social Roles, Vol. 3, Greenwich, Conn.: JAI Press, 1983. 15. G. Vaillant

and C. C. McArthur, Natural History of Male PsychoI. The Adult Life Cycle from 18-50. Seminars in Psy-

logic Health. chiatry,

Chapter 1.

4

(4),

1972: 422.

1

Z. Rubin, "Fathers

and Sons: The Search

Today, June 1982, pp. 23

ff.

233

for

Reunion." Psychology

FINDING OUR FATHERS

review of Brother Songs: A Male Anthology of Poetry, edited Perlman, WIN, November 15, 1980.

2. S. Bliss,

by 3.

J.

R. Shelton, "Letter to a

Dead

Cant Have Everything

Father," You

(Pittsburgh: University of Pittsburgh* Press, 1975). 4. D.

Thomas, "Do not go gentle into that good night," Poems (New York: New Directions, 1957).

in D.

Thomas,

Collected

Rebelsky and C. Hanks, "Fathers Verbal Interaction with Infants Three Months of Life," Child Development, 42 (1971): 63 — 68, and F. A. Pedersen and K. S. Robson, "Father Participation in Infancy," American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 39 (1969): 466—72. These findings as to the low quantity of contact between fathers and children are often understood in emphasizing the quality of father's time at home rather than the literal amount. Yet it is

5. F.

in the First

may

precisely this limited role of the father that

fantasy constructions

I

am

R. Atkins, "Discovering Daddy:

Gurwitz, and

J.

The Mother's Role,"

New

in S. Cath, A.

M. Ross, eds., Father and Child: Clinical and De-

velopmental Considerations (Boston: 6. J. Carroll,

lead to the kind of

describing as "the wounded father." See

Little,

Brown, 1982).

review of Good Morning, Merry Sunshine, by B. Greene,

York Times

Booh Review, June

7.

Rubin, "Fathers and Sons,"

8.

M.

10, 1984.

p. 28.

Komarovsky, Dilemmas of Masculinity (New York:

Norton,

1976). 9.

Quoted in Ken Auletta, p. 51. Emphasis added.

"Profiles,"

New

The

Yorker, April 9,

1984,

10.

M. Goldstein, "Fathering: A Neglected Activity," American Journal of Psychiatry, 37, 4 (Winter 1977): 325-36.

11.

M. Farrell and S. Rosenberg, Men at Midlife (Boston: Auburn House, 1981), p. 125.

12. W. Stevens, "Aesthetique

End of the Mind:

Selected

du mal," in W. Stevens, The Palm at the Poems and a Play (New York: Vintage,

1972). 13.

From

his detailed interviews with

men

in their thirties, Yale's Dr.

Rick Ochberg, a psychologist, notes how the imagery of work and careers for many men reveals "a preoccupation with movement and advancement," which offers one solution to separation conflicts with their fathers. The symbolism of movement that work provides "is the unconditional love of connected to the son's renouncing .

234

.

.

Notes and References

early childhood, in favor of the fathers highly conditional respect for

achievement." Throughout men's lives work provides an illusion relationship problems. See R. Ochberg,

movement away from

of

"Middle-Aged Men and the Meaning of Work," unpublished doctoral

14.

dissertation, University of Michigan,

Ann

M. Ross, "In Search of Fathering: and Ross, eds., Father and Child.

A

J.

15. D. Hall,

"My

Son,

My

Arbor, 1983, p. 5.

Review," In Cath, Gurwitz,

Executioner," The Alligator Bride (New York:

Harper and Row, 1969). 16.

P.

Wright and

T.

School Juniors:

Keple, "Friends and Parents of a Sample of High

An

Exploratory Study of Relationship Intensity and

Interpersonal Rewards," Journal of Marriage

and the Family, 43, No.

3 (August 1981): 559-70. 17.

M. Norman, "For Us, the War March 31, 1985, p. 68.

Is

Over,"

New

York Times Magazine,

theme in his paper 'The Vietnam War and Male Confidence," The Utne Reader, October-November 1984, pp. 74-81. See also J. Fallows, "What Did You Do in the Class War, Daddy?" The Washington Monthly, October 1975, pp. 5-19.

18. Robert Bly discusses this

the Erosion of

19.

Homer, The Odyssey, pp.

20. K.

trans. R. Fitzgerald

(New York: Anchor, 1963),

295-96. Thompson, "What Men Really Want: An Interview with Robert

Bly,"

New Age, May

1982,

p. 50.

Chapter 2 1.

G. Vaillant, Adaptation

to Life (Boston: Little,

Brown, 1977),

p.

219. 2.

D. Levinson

et al.

The Seasons of a Man's

Life

(New York: Knopf,

1978), pp. 99-100. 3. Vaillant,

Adaptation

4. Ibid., p.

219.

to Life, p.

218. Emphasis added.

235

FINDING OUR FATHERS

Chapter 3 1.

Rubin, Women of a Certain Age: The Midlife Search for Self (New & Row, 1979).

L.

York: Harper 2.

is obviously not the only way to arrange work and parenting. Among the most striking findings of the Adult Development Project was the remarkable diversity of ways of timing and arranging work and family choices among a group of highly educated

This classic pattern

professional

men

in structured careers. In contrast to early starters

Henderson, 10 percent of the sample married soon after college and began families with wives who from the beginning had careers of their own. These are early starters in dual-career marriages. Twenty-five percent of the sample were currently married but had delayed parenting into their thirties, while another 20 percent of the men were in childless marriages at thirtyeight. See S. Osherson and D. Dill, "Varying Work and Family Choices: Their Impact on Men's Work Satisfaction," Journal of Marin single-career marriages, like Mr.

and the Family, May 1983, pp. 339-46. Clearly the sociologist Bernice Neugarten is correct

riage

when she

in-

forms us that the "social clock" in our society no longer ticks as

—

it once did there is no single dominant or normative way and arranging work and family. As we'll see in later chapters, the tasks and challenges for men at midlife in these different patterns to some extent vary; to become a father for the first time at age thirty-five is a very different experience from saying goodbye to your teenage son at the same age, even if men from those different situations attend the same college reunion.

clearly as

of timing

3.

G. Baruch, R. Barnett, and C. Rivers, Midlife,"

4.

Rubin,

New

York Times Magazine,

Women of a

Certain Age; M.

"A New

December F.

Lowenthal,

of Life (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 1975); ing

On

or Letting Go:

The Free 5.

Start for

7,

and

Men and Career Change

S.

1980, et al.

Women

Four Stages

Osherson, Hold-

at Midlife

(New York:

Press, 1980).

D. Heath,

"Some

Possible Effects of Occupation on the Maturing of

Professional Men," Journal of Vocational Behavior, 11 (1977): 81. 6.

G. Lish,

"A

1984,

50.

7. P.

p.

at

p. 198.

Protecting Father,"

Wright and

T.

New

263-

York Times Magazine, July 15,

Keple, "Friends and Parents of a Sample of High

236

Notes and References

School Juniors: An Exploratory Study of Relationship Intensity and Interpersonal Rewards," Journal of Marriage and the Family, 43, No.

3 (August 1981): 559-70.

"The Loved Son,"

8. F. Porter,

Museum 9.

in K. Moffett, Fairfield Porter, Boston:

of Fine Arts, 1983.

D. Levinson

et al.,

The Seasons of a

Mans

Life

(New York: Knopf,

1978), p. 200. See also D. Guttman, "Individual Adaptation in the Midlife Years: Developmental Issues in the Masculine Mid-life Crisis,"

10.

Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry, 9 (1976): 41-59.

M. Farrell and House, 1981).

S.

Rosenberg,

Men

at Midlife (Boston:

Auburn

11. Ibid, p. 125. 12. Ibid, p. 124.

"Death and the Midlife Crisis," International Journal of (1965): 502—14. In this classic paper Jacques is particularly concerned with the person's increasing awareness of mortality at midlife and the sense of fragmentation that may result as the adult struggles with an infantile residue of love and rage. Jacques reminds us that the infants struggle with life and death occurs in "the setting of his survival being dependent on his external objects," particularly his mother, and his chaotic feelings toward them. Jacques comments that "a person who reaches mid-life either without having successfully established himself in marital and occupational life, or having established himself by means of manic activity and denial with consequent emotional impoverishment, is badly prepared for meeting the demands of mid-life age, and getting enjoyment of his maturity" (pp. 507, 511; emphasis added). I have been impressed at how often a wife's going to work as well as the launching of children, provokes imagery of death and fragmentation for men, as if the rearranging family becomes a metaphor for mothers body being destroyed.

13. E. Jacques,

Psychiatry,

14.

15.

46

See D. Ullian, "Why Boys Will Be Boys: A Structural Perspective," American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 51 (1981): 493—501, and K. Toomey, "Johnny, I Hardly Knew Ye: Toward a Revision of the Theory of Male Psychosexual Development," American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 47 (1977): 184-95.

Men that's

often respond to neediness by

how we

becoming instrumental, because

learn to get taken care

be taken care of as boys

is

of.

Yet the struggle of

men

to

so mixed in with aggression and punish-

237

FINDING OUR FATHERS

ment

that the response of

many men

to

violent, physically or psychologically, as

the

man

get

is to

an unconscious level

if at

sees his need as evidence of something terribly wrong with

himself or his wife and children. That act out,

becoming needy

becoming destructive

may

explain

of self or other

when

why many men family

life

gets

frustrating.

16.

M.

Farrell

and

S.

Men

Rosenberg,

at Midlife, p. 142.

Chapter 4 1.

Menning, 'The Emotional Needs of the Infertile Couple," Fertil34 (1980): 313—17, and H. Simons, "Infertility as an Emerging Social Concern," unpublished doctoral qualifying thesis, Heller Graduate School of Social Welfare, Brandeis University, Waltham, Mass., 1980. B.

ity—Sterility,

2.

A. Shostak, quoted in

J.

Wolinsky,

Emotional Abortion Drama," 3. T.

MacNab,

"Infertility

APA

and Men:

"Men

Often Phantom Figures in

May

Monitor,

A

1984.

Study of Change and Adaptive

Choices in the Lives of Involuntarily Childless Men," unpublished doctoral dissertation, Fielding Institute, Berkeley, Calif., 1984, p.

64. 4. Ibid., p. 79. 5. Ibid.

6.

When

I

refer to the fetus as "a baby,"

I

wish

to

convey the deep

emotional attachment of parents to the pregnancy. Using "fetus" may diminish the reality of this attachment, just as "baby" may be said to overstate the facts of fetal 7. Ibid., p.

development.

134.

Population Bulletin, Vol. 39, No. 5, De-

8.

"Understanding cember 1984.

9.

H. Pizer and C. 0. Palinski, Coping with a Miscarriage (New York:

New American 10.

MacNab,

Infertility,"

Library, 1980).

"Infertility

and Men,"

p.

138.

11. Ibid., p. 139. 12.

M. D. Schecter, "About Adoptive Parents,"

238

in E. J.

Anthony and

T.

Notes and References

E. Benedek, eds., Parenthood: Its Psychology

and Psychopathology

(Boston: Little, Brown, 1970), p. 359. 13.

"When

14.

MacNab,

Parents Lose a Child," The Keene Sentinel, August "Infertility

17. Pizer 18.

1,

quoted

in Wolinsky,

"Men

Often Phantom Figures."

and Palinski, Coping with a Miscarriage, pp. 119-21.

MacNab,

"Infertility

and Men,"

p. 97.

and G. McLouth, Men and Abortion: Lessons, and Loves (New York: Praeger, 1984).

19. A. B. Shostak

20.

1983.

p. 137.

100-101.

15. Ibid., pp. 16. Shostak,

and Men,"

MacNab,

"Infertility

and Men,"

Losses,

p. 97.

21. B. Bettelheim, The Uses of Enchantment

(New York: Knopf, 1975),

p. 6.

Chapter 5 1.

"Opinions about motherhood: a Gallup/Levi's maternity wear national poll," San Francisco: Levi Strauss and Co., September 1983.

2.

A. D. Beck, M. D. Young, B. Robson, and D. Mandel, "Factors

Which

Influence Fathers' Involvement with Their Infants," Sympo-

Annual Meeting of the American Orthopsychiatric Associa1984, and F. K. Grossman and W. S. Pollack, "Good-enough Fathering: A Longitudinal Focus on Fathers Within a Father System," paper presented at Annual Meeting, National Council on Family Relations, San Francisco, 1984. sium

at

tion, Toronto, April

3.

A.

J.

Stewart, M. Sokol,

J.

Healy, N. Chester, and D. Weinstock-

Savoy, "Adaptation to Life Changes in Children and Adults: Cross-

Sectional Studies," Journal of Personality No. 6 (1982): 1278. 4. J.

and Social Psychology, 42,

Updike, Couples (New York: Knopf, 1968), and

White Album (New York: Simon

&

J.

Didion, The

Schuster, 1979).

Jacobson, "Development of the Wish for a Child in Boys," The Psychoanalytic Study of the Child, 5 (1950): 144.

5. E.

6. S.

Osherson

et al.

perience," Boston:

1984, "Expecting

Simmons School

239

A

Child:

The

Therapist's Ex-

of Social Work, p. 70.

FINDING OUR FATHERS

7. j.

Maynard, Baby Love (New York: Avon, 1982), pp. 154-55.

Bittman and S. Rosenberg-Zalk, Expectant Fathers (New York: Hawthorne, 1978), and W. H. Trethowan and M. F. Conlon, 'The Couvade Syndrome," British Journal of Psychiatry, 111 (January

8. S.

1965): 9.

57-66.

Bittman and Rosenberg-Zalk, Expectant Fathers.

a Different Voice: Psychological Theory and Women's Development (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1982).

10. C. Gilligan, In

11. S.

Feldman,

S.

Nash, and B. Aschenbrenner, "Antecedents of Fa-

thering," Child Development, 54:

1628-36.

Chapter 6 1.

S.

Elledge, E. B. White:

A Biography (New

York: Norton, 1984), p.

144. 2.

D. Levinson

et al.,

The Seasons of a

Mans

Life

(New York: Knopf,

1978). 3. L. J.

Kaplan, Oneness and Separateness: From Infant

(New York: Simon 4. Ibid.

&

to Individual

Schuster, 1978), p. 67.

Note the equation of nurturing in early childhood with "mothis no mention of fathering in this context.

ering"; there 5.

R. Bly, "For

My

Brother Songs:

Son Noah, Ten Years Old" in J. Perlman, ed., A Male Anthology of Poetry (Minneapolis: Holy Cow!

Press, 1979). 6.

A.

J.

Stewart, M. Sokol,

J.

Healy, N. Chester, and D. Weinstock-

Savoy, "Adaptation to Life Changes in Children and Adults: Cross-

and Social Psychology, 42, No. 6 (1982): 1278, and M. Mahoney, "Intimacy and Social Support: The Meanings of Relationship for Employed and Unemployed MothSectional Studies," Journal of Personality

ers,"

lege, 7.

unpublished paper, School of Social Sciences, Hampshire ColNorthampton, Mass.

Since home has associations to mother for both men and women, when home becomes a confusing place it may feel as if mother has turned on them no longer nurturing but now demanding. Men may experience this mother— home relationship differently, depending on their childhood experiences. Some may experience the changed

—

240

Notes and References

home and wife— mother

as a kind of inner sadness: mother telling grow up. the little boy can't hang around Mommy's skirts any more. These men may turn more to work to fill themselves up emotionally and psychologically, often fueled by a typical male fantasy that if he produces more, does a better job at work, his wife will take better care of him. Other men. with greater early mother difficulties, may experience wife and family as doing something harmful to them: mother turning on them, abandoning them, possibly leaving them to die or killing them. Those intolerable, frightening fantasies may lead to bizarre, out-of-control behavior such as wife or child

them

to

Some men may

abuse, or leaving the family. flee into at the

8.

F.

leave their family or

work as a way of protecting the family from

sense of loss they

K. Grossman, "Separate and Together: Men's

filiation in the

their

own rage

feel.

Autonomy and Af-

Transition to Parenthood." unpublished paper. De-

partment of Psychology, Boston University, Boston, Mass., 1984.

and P. Daniels and K. \5eingarten. Sooner or Later: The Timing of Parenthood in Adult Life (New York: Norton, 1982). 9.

M. Greenberg and N. Morris, "Engrossment: The Newborns Impact upon the Father." in S. Cath. A. Gurwitz, and J. M. Ross, eds., Father and Child: Clinical and Developmental Considerations (Boston: Little, Brown, 1982).

10. G.

J.

Craig,

Human

Development (Englewood

Cliffs, N.J.:

Prentice-

Hall. 19831. 11. D. H. Heath,

"What Meaning and Effects Does Fatherhood Have for Men?" Merrill-Palmer Quarterly, Vol.

the Maturing of Professional

24, No. 4, 1978; idem, "Competent Fathers: Their Personalities and Marriages," zon,

Human

Development, 19

1976):