Fearless Dating Course: The Approach Module

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THE APPROACH MODULE Lesson Lesson Lesson Lesson Lesson Lesson Lesson Lesson Lesson Lesson

1 - Understanding Anxiety 2 - Defense Mechanisms 3 - Everybody is Your Friend 4 - What Time is It? 5 - Directions 6 - Demographics 7 - Talk to Women 8 - Curiosity 9 - Direct Approach 10 - Get a Phone Number

LESSON 1: UNDERSTANDING ANXIETY Anxiety exists for a reason. It’s part of our fight-or-flight response. As we go throughout our lives, whenever a specific situation causes us a certain degree of pain, our body remembers it and then alerts us in the future as to when we’re likely to feel that pain again. This is where anxiety comes from. Anxiety is caused by shame rooted in our past. When we experience it, we try to avoid it. There is no trick or shortcut to overcoming anxiety other than to desensitize yourself to it and to rewire your brain to believe it will cause you pain anymore. The way you do this is by consciously creating new behaviors and actions to practice that will replace the old emotional patterns. When creating new emotional patterns, quantity and consistency are more important than intensity. So that means if you have social anxiety, it’s much better to go out and do 10 small actions rather than one big one.

This course is designed to work you through rewiring your anxiety until you feel comfortable approaching attractive women you don’t know.

EXERCISE Take a moment to think about what experiences previously in your life cause you anxiety around women you don’t know. What new experiences could replace that anxiety?

EXERCISE SUBMISSIONS My biggest anxiety is: Talking to new people (especially hot women) I think being rejected by good looking women during my teen years caused me to feel anxious around them. I have little experience interacting with them on a regular basis and I feel I might get rejected by them at anytime

LESSON 2: DEFENSE MECHANISMS Defense mechanisms are thought patterns or behavioral patterns we use in order to avoid whatever causes us a lot of anxiety. I classify four common categories of defense mechanisms: 

Procrastination - We are all familiar with procrastination. It occurs when we are avoiding or putting off something we know will be unpleasant. Since going through with behaviors that cause us anxiety are unpleasant, we often procrastinate them. This means unnecessarily delaying calling a woman, deciding that you want to have a couple drinks before you

approach a woman, deciding that you need to go to the bathroom before you talk to someone, etc., etc.  Intellectualization - The smarter you are, and the more studious you were in school, the more this one likely afflicts you. Intellectualization is when you take an emotional problem or pain point, and try to solve it logically. For instance, walking up and speaking to a woman requires nothing more than opening your mouth and saying something, yet men read and write 300+ page books on the subject. The danger of intellectualization is that it can give you the feeling that you’re making progress, when actually you or not. In fact, rampant intellectualization can often cause more stress and anxiety because it takes a simple behavior (approaching a woman) and suddenly makes it extremely complicated (approach from this angle, say this, look at her like this, smile like this, etc.)  Blame/Anger - When confronted with something that makes them anxious or afraid, many men react with anger or blame. They try to displace their fear onto someone else so that they will no longer have to accept responsibility for it. For instance, they’ll declare that a woman who wasn’t interested in them was a bitch or make broad stereotypes about certain type of people. This is pure insecurity.  Apathy - The most dangerous of the defense mechanisms. Apathy makes you feel like you don’t care about what makes you nervous, therefore there’s no point doing it. You may spend weeks or months obsessing about meeting women, but when you finally get out to a party or event and have a chance to meet some, you decide that you don’t care much, that you’re too tired, etc. Defense mechanisms can be simple and superficial or large and abstract. When a certain defense mechanisms is utilized enough times, it will eventually form a permanent belief.

EXERCISE

Write down all of your excuses for not approaching women you’d like to meet. Then go through and categorize each of the excuses as a specific defense mechanism. What can you do to overcome them?

EXERCISE SUBMISSIONS DEFENSE MECHANISMS (HOLD YOU BACK FROM WHAT YOU WANT) 1. PROCRASTINATION: I FIRST NEED MORE TIME TO CALM MYSELF. I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT FIRST. I NEED TO READ MORE PICKUP STUFF BEFORE I APPROACH THAT KIND OF WOMEN.( NEED TO LEARN ALL THEORY / TECHNIQUES.) I FIRST NEED TIME TO WARM UP. I FIRST NEED AN EXCUSE TO CHAT I FIRST NEED SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT I FIRST HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE RIGHT PLACE/TIME. I FIRST HAVE TO DRINK. I FIRST NEED TO DO MORE FITNESS / DIET I FIRST NEED TO BE MORE CONFIDENT.

2. INTELLECTUALIZATION:

SHE’S IN A CONVERSATION. SHE PROBABLY HAS A BOYFRIEND.(MAYBE THAT BOY IS HER BOYFRIEND) SHE IS ON PHONE. SHE’S PROBABLY THE GIRLFRIEND OF ONE OF THE GUYS AROUND HER. SHE’S HERE WITH FRIENDS. SHE’S IN A HURRY. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TIME. SHE DOESN’T WANNA TALK.

I WAITED TOO LONG, SO THE CHANCE IS OVER. WHAT I WILL SAY ? SHE DOESNT SENT ME INDICATIONS OF INTEREST

I NEED FIRST THINK ABOUT WHAT I AM GOING TO SAY SHE WILL THINK THAT I AM BORING

3. BLAME/ANGER:

SHE’S SUPERFICIAL. (SHE’LL THINK SHE’S TOO HOT FOR ME / I’M CREEPY, STRANGE, BORING) SHE’S A (PARTY) WHORE. SHE’S DUMB. SHE LOOKS BITCHY

4. APATHY:

IT’S TOO LOUD IN HERE. IT’S NOT THE WRIGHT PLACE/TIME. I’M TOO TIRED / STRESSED. I’M NOT FEELING WELL. I’M TOO BUSY WITH PROJECTS. I’M JUST GOING TO HAVE A DRINK. IT’S BETTER TO HAVE NO CONTACT WITH WOMEN. IT’S BETTER TO GO OUT WITH FRIENDS THAN ALONE.

LESSON 3: EVERYBODY IS YOUR FRIEND EVERYBODY IS YOUR FRIEND One reason many of us feel so much social anxiety is because we feel like it’s socially inappropriate to speak to strangers. I don’t know about you, but I was told my entire childhood to “never talk to strangers.” It wasn’t until I got over most of my social anxiety that I realized how often random people will talk to each other strike up casual conversations. It amazed me that something I used to consider so rare and even inappropriate was something other people had been doing their entire lives.

EXERCISE Go about your normal day, except every single person you speak to — cashier, bus driver, parking attendant — ask them how their day is going. Strike up at least one casual conversation (the weather is always an easy place to start.) Do this until you can do it comfortably. Come back and write up your experiences.

EXERCISE SUBMISSIONS

LESSON 4: WHAT TIME IS IT? OK, so you’ve gotten comfortable having small talk with random strangers. Maybe you even had an interesting conversation or two. That’s great. But still, those were people you needed to speak to anyway. It’s likely that stopping and talking to people who don’t need to speak to you will still cause you a lot of anxiety.

EXERCISE That’s why this is your mission. Go out and ask 10 people what time it is. At least half of them should be attractive women. You can do this over the course of a few days, but it needs to be 10 people. Simply walk up to them and say, “Excuse me, my phone died, do you know what time it is?” Thank them and then carry on. Do this until it feels comfortable.

EXERCISE SUBMISSIONS LESSON 5: DIRECTIONS DIRECTIONS You should now be able to stop any stranger, at any time, anywhere and at least open your mouth and speak to them. This is progress. Especially since you’ve been able to do it with attractive women! We’re now going to take things one step further. We’re going to get you to ask these strangers something personal.

Note: the point of this exercise is not to “game” or attract the people you talk to, simply to overcome the social anxiety associated with asking a stranger something personal about themselves.

EXERCISE Find 10 attractive women in a public place and ask them for directions to a nearby landmark or restaurant. Then, once they have given you an answer, if they seem friendly, ask them if they are from your city/town. Ask this question to five separate women. You may do this exercise over the course of multiple days. Do as you go about your daily life. But do is as soon as possible! We want to stay consistent. Come back and write up your experiences.

EXERCISE SUBMISSIONS LESSON 6: DEMOGRAPHICS DEMOGRAPHICS Let’s talk about where to meet and start hitting on women. One big mistake a lot of men make is they simply look for single women in the wrong places. Either they subscribe to some pickup idea of “cold approach” or they gravitate to bars/clubs even though they’re not particularly interested in those places. Demographics places a huge role in our success. If you are pursuing women who don’t fit your demographic, then not only are you going to have less success, but you’re going to have much more anxiety.

For instance, if you are a 50-year-old college professor, you should not be chasing around 20-year-old high school dropouts. It’s a demographic mismatch. If you’re a tight-laced corporate type, you should not be talking to girls at indie rock dive bars. Playing to our own demographic helps us in a variety of ways: it gives us more confident, less shame and anxiety, more things to talk about with the woman and to relate to them about, a greater chance of a positive reception, social proof and it’s simply more fun. Pursue your hobbies and passions and then meet women in those places. Some examples:    

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Dance classes (salsa, swing, ballroom, etc.) Political organizations, causes or events Concerts and concert promotions Amateur sports leagues (ultimate frisbee and co-ed volleyball have many women) Volunteering, charity events Train courses (leadership, public speaking) Cooking classes Dog parks Museums, art gallery showings Yoga classes (a gold mine) Meditation courses and retreats, philosophy courses Self help seminars and educational events (Landmark, Avatar, Tony Robbins, etc.) Travel groups (couchsurfing, Internations, etc.) Church, Synagogue, or whatever religion you are (if you’re religious) Foreign language courses and exchanges Wine or beer tastings Trivia nights Business networking events

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House parties and group dinners Etc.

EXERCISE: Find a specific location, activity or event that you like and strike up a conversation with a woman in that location. This should be a REAL conversation, not just small talk or chit-chat. If you need help getting started, ask to be introduced, or ask an innocuous question. Come back and report how it went.

LESSON 7: TALK TO WOMEN TALK TO WOMEN Congratulations, for many of you, you have now officially approached your first woman that you did not know before. Now it’s time to take things a bit further. Hopefully you found a good demographic you feel comfortable. Now it’s time to continue pursuing women and continue talking. Since many of you will be talking to women in these venues, this lesson I want to cover the basics of talking to women in bars or clubs. Start by looking for women who are in groups of two or three, by themselves.  Simply walk up and introduce yourself to them, “Hi, I’m Mark.” Shake their hands.  Follow this up with “You don’t look like you’re from X,” where X is wherever you are. This should get a basic conversation started. The great thing about bars and clubs is that women are expecting to be approached. In fact, many of them go there to meet men. 

The bad thing about bars and clubs is sometimes the women aren’t so nice and sometimes they’re drunk and obnoxious.

EXERCISE This exercise can be done anywhere, although it’s recommended you do it at some sort of event, social function or bar or nightclub. Walk up to five attractive women you do not know and have a conversation (of at least 3 minutes) with them. You can do this over the course of multiple days or weeks. The goal is simply short conversations with women you don’t know, don’t worry if things don’t go so well. We’re focused on your anxiety right now. Write about your experience.

EXERCISE SUBMISSIONS LESSON 8: CURIOSITY CURIOSITY Most men spend all of their time wondering what a woman will think of them. They spend all of their effort trying to impress her and make her like them. But what if they instead approached wondering what she was like? What if they wanted to find out if they liked them? Pursuing women from the position of curiosity is one of the most empowering things you can do. It removes your dependence on validation and the woman for your success.

EXERCISE

Find things you are genuinely curious to know about five different women. Then go and find them out. It could be as simple as, “Would she and I get along?” It could be, “Is she foreign?” It could be, “Does she study something interesting?” Whatever it is, use it as your motivation.

EXERCISE SUBMISSIONS LESSON 9: DIRECT APPROACH DIRECT APPROACH In pick up theory, there are two kinds of approaches: direct and indirect. Indirect means you approach a woman without making your intention known. You approach by asking for the time, for directions, or some pointless question and striking up a casual conversation with her.  Direct means that you make your interest immediately known, usually with a compliment or explanation of why you’re talking to her. Direct approaches generally cause more anxiety in men because they feel like letting their sexual desires be known is somehow creepy or inappropriate. 

Direct approaches are far more polarizing and more powerful. Usually the worst rejection you will get is, “I have a boyfriend.” But if a girl is attracted to you as well, then you will get the warmest responses by far from doing direct approaches. Approaching direct ties in with the sexual module in that it requires one to express one’s sexuality.

EXERCISE Approach five different women directly. Use the following line: “Hi, this is kind of random, but I thought you were cute and wanted to meet you.” If you’re from a non-English-speaking country, use the translation into your own language that makes the most sense. After you say this, she will likely blush and become very flattered. Some will immediately tell you that they have a boyfriend. If they DON’T tell you they have a boyfriend, go ahead and assume they’re interested until proven otherwise. Follow up with the, “You don’t look like you’re from here,” line and go into a casual conversation. A direct approach can be done in just about any location (college classes, work environments are exceptions.)

EXERCISE SUBMISSIONS LESSON 10: GET A PHONE NUMBER GETTING THE DIGITS Congratulations, you are now capable of approaching women just about anywhere and in any circumstance. It’s time to finish up this module by getting a woman’s phone number. This is actually simpler than it seems. Approach a woman, get into a conversation with her. And then after 3-5 minutes of simple conversation, if she seems positive and excited to be talking to you, ask for her number.

Asking for her number is simple. “Hey, I have to go, but we should grab coffee (or a drink) sometime.” If she says sure, pull out your phone and ask for the number. That’s it! Getting phone numbers are surprisingly simple (it’s getting them to show up that’s the hard part.)

FINAL EXERCISE Go out and get one phone number from approaching a woman you don’t know. Write up the experience. Congratulations! You’ve come a long way.

EXERCISE SUBMISSIONS