Bird-Self Accumulated 9780814743980

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BIRD SELF ACCUMULATED

ELMER HOLME S BOBS T AWARD S FO R EMERGIN G WRITER S

Established i n 1983 , th e Elme r Holme s Bobs t Award s i n Art s and Letter s ar e presente d eac h yea r t o individual s wh o hav e brought tru e distinctio n t o th e America n literar y scene . Recip ients of the Awards includ e writers as varied a s Toni Morrison , John Updike , Russel l Baker , Eudor a Welty , Edwar d Albee , Arthur Miller , Joyc e Caro l Oates , an d Jame s Merrill . Th e Awards wer e recentl y expande d t o includ e categorie s devote d to emergin g writer s o f fiction an d poetry , an d i n 199 5 th e jurors selecte d winner s i n eac h category , Lor i Bake r fo r he r stories, Crazy Water: Six Fictions, Don Judso n fo r hi s novella , Bird-Self Accumulated, and Debr a Weinstei n fo r he r collectio n of p o e m s , Rodent Angel.

BIRD SEL F ACCUMULATED Don Judso n

NEW

Y O R K

U N I V E R S I T Y New York and

London

P R E S S

N E W YOR K U N I V E R S I T Y PRES S New Yor k and Londo n Copyright © 199 6 by New Yor k Universit y All rights reserve d

Library o f Congres s Cataloging-in-Publicatio n Dat a Judson, Don , 1950 Bird-self accumulate d / Don Judson. p. cm . ISBN 0-8147-4229- 7 (alk . paper ) I. title . PS3560.U375B57 199 6 95-5017 3 813\54—dc20 CI P

New Yor k Universit y Pres s books are printed o n acid-fre e paper , and thei r binding material s ar e chosen fo r strengt h an d durability .

With love to my mother and to LeAnn

CONTENTS Acknowledgments xi

Thanksgiving, 197 9 1 Y-City 1 1 In Securit y Lockdown: Prison , 198 1 2 3 Proposition 5 3 Comerford 7 1 Part II 10 5

ix

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS I w o u l d lik e t o t h a n k B a r b a r a E p l e r fo r h e r w o n d e r f u l j o b o f editing , a n d Phi l O ' C o n n o r a n d H o w a r d M c C o r d for believin g i n m e , t h o u g h I ofte n gav e t h e m r e a s o n n o t to . P a r t s o f thi s b o o k h a v e b e e n p u b l i s h e d i n Descant a n d Happy.

xi

THANKSGIVING, 1979

I

h a d d e c i d e d t o b o r r o w s o m e o n e ' s ca r fo r a driv e d o w n b y t h e water . T h e plac e w h e r e I w o r k e d a t

t h e t i m e — i t wa s a hospita l fo r emotionall y d a m a g e d c h i l d r e n — c o u l d n ' t hav e b e e n m o r e t h a n a c o u p l e o f miles fro m t h e bay . M y whol e j o b consiste d i n b e i n g a t my r o o m b y n i n e o'cloc k a n d waitin g t h e r e t o evacuat e C a n d D w a r d s a s wel l a s 9 - N o r t h i n cas e o f fire. B u t I w e n t t o find t h e securit y g u a r d a n d brib e h i m with tw o o f m y pills . " W h a t a r e they? " h e asked . "Can't yo u se e t h e blu e a n d g r e e n specks? " I in sisted. W e w e r e o n t h e secon d floor hallwa y a n d I d i d n ' t w a n t N u r s e t o c o m e walkin g u p u n e x p e c t e d l y . "Listen," I u r g e d , "i t won' t tak e long . A n h o u r a t t h e most. I m i g h t stop , ge t o u t a t t h e picni c b e n c h e s — w h a t could h a p p e n ? " H e hel d t h e pill s c u p p e d i n hi s h a n d u n d e r n e a t h a l a m p a n d m o v e d t h e m u p clos e t o it s b u l b w h e r e the y looked lik e teet h polishe d a n d se t sid e b y side . 3

-4 • DON JUDSO N

"Are thes e thos e thing s tha t w e r e g o i n g a r o u n d las t summer?" "Right," I a g r e e d a l t h o u g h i n actualit y I coul d n o t r e m e m b e r w h e r e t h e pill s c a m e from , o r w h e n . "Because thos e w e r e al l cu t wit h ra t poison. " "You're kidding? " "Uh-uh." "Well, thes e a r e probabl y fro m a differen t batch . They're good. " A n d i t wa s t r u e . M y h e a d alread y fel t a s i f i t h a d b e e n b r o k e n u p int o s o m e kin d o f p o w d e r e d substance . I coul d se e righ t t h r o u g h t h e d a r k n e s s int o w h e r e autis tic c h i l d r e n la y aslee p d r e a m i n g , t h o u g h I coul d n o t i m a g i n e w h a t thos e d r e a m s m i g h t b e o r i f the y w e r e even a n y t h i n g yo u o r I w o u l d recogniz e a s d r e a m s a t all .

S o m e h o w I go t lost . I d r o v e u p a n d d o w n starin g a t streets whos e n a m e s I r e m e m b e r e d b u t no w looke d lik e different place s altogether . I

kep t findin g t h e s a m e

a b a n d o n e d filling station . I t wa s a c i n d e r bloc k square , b u s t e d o u t a n d wit h concret e p a d s w h e r e gre w a serie s of wire s c a p p e d a n d s h u t — b u t o u t fron t o f it s p a r k i n g lot s o m e o n e ' s belonging s w e r e stacke d sidewal k t o side walk i n a n e a t semicircl e wit h a chai r a t eac h e n d , a n d several extensio n line s h a d b e e n r u n t h r o u g h t h e alle y

•5 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

from s o m e o t h e r building' s windo w fo r a l a m p ; b e n e a t h it, a m a n i n g r e e n sweat s a n d a basebal l c a p w o r n back wards a n d line d wit h tinfoi l fingered

th e ban d o f a ru -

ined watc h whil e m u m b l i n g sternl y a t t h e line s o f pass ing traffi c a s i f w e were , eac h o n e , r u d e a n d il l c o n s i d e r e d guests . A n d a t thi s street' s o t h e r e n d , w h e r e i t n a r r o w e d , t h e r e wa s a bar ; a n d h e r e , p e o p l e w h o coul d n o t u n d e r stand t h e i r o w n fat e stare d o u t t o w a r d t h e res t o f u s from b e h i n d slightl y d a r k e n e d windows . Soon , mos t o f t h e m woul d b e bac k i n jail . I t wa s t h a t kin d o f place . S o m e o f t h e s a m e ones , m y c o m r a d e s a n d r o a d dogs , stood a r o u n d a t t h e c o r n e r waitin g fo r s o m e t h i n g , any thing. I recognize d t h e m all . A n d severa l di d cal l o u t . B u t w h e n I pulle d over , thes e p e o p l e onl y s e e m e d t o t u r n o n m e wit h m u r d e r o u s i n t e n t fo r a m o m e n t a n d t h e n d i s a p p e a r , o r w e r e n o t reall y t h e r e a t al l t o begi n with. I t r e m i n d e d m e o f a tim e w h e n I wa s n o m o r e t h a n si x a n d m y m o t h e r a n d fathe r h a d a party . W e lived i n t h e s u b u r b s t h e n ; m y fathe r a n d a n o t h e r m a n were i n busines s t o g e t h e r — t h e y r a n a funera l h o m e — a n d t h e pla n wa s fo r u s t o m o v e int o a h u g e a p a r t m e n t right abov e it , b u t t h a t n e v e r h a p p e n e d , a n d soo n i n fact m y fathe r wa s kicke d o u t o f t h e busines s a n d wa s g o n e anywa y o n d r u n k s m o r e t h a n h e wa s wit h u s a n d we coul d barel y affor d t o liv e . . . b ut o n thi s n i g h t t h e r e

•6 • DON JUDSO N

was a party . I' d b e e n s h o w n a r o u n d a little , t h e kin d o f t h i n g adult s lov e w h e n they'r e d r i n k i n g — t h e cut e bo y in pajama s servin g p e a n u t s a n d s u c h — a n d afte r t h a t I was p u t t o b e d . B u t a t s o m e p o i n t I wok e bac k u p . I wa s frightened. T h e h o u s e h a d g o n e silent , a n d fo r severa l m i n u t e s I la y n o t moving , b u t finall y go t u p fro m b e d a n d b e g a n d o w n t h e hal l t o t h e b a s e m e n t w h e r e t h e party h a d b e e n held . At t h e m o u t h o f t h e cella r stairwel l I hesitated , u n s u r e — w h a t i f m y parent s wer e gone , I f n o on e wer e i n t h e h o u s e a n d I wa s t h e r e alone ? I b e n t t o p e e r d o w n t h e stair s s e a r c h i n g o u t partwa y a l o n g t h e cellar' s back wall a lampbase , a n d i n it s thi n s h a d o w o f light , se t o n several books , a n old , black , extensio n p h o n e . I wa s terrifie d i t m i g h t begi n t o ring . All o f thi s w e n t o n j u s t a s i f i t w e r e i n m y slee p because I ca n recal l no w a fain t mis t b e g i n n i n g t o cove r e v e r y t h i n g insid e t h e h o u s e . I t wa s sof t agains t t h e floor a n d wallboards . Agains t feet , hair , eyes . I coul d tast e i t a l o n g m y t o n g u e . E v e r y t h i n g stoo d out . Listen, i t said . Listen. I w e n t t o t h e doorwa y a n d t h e n o u t int o t h e yard . T h e hedges , trees , driveway s a n d h o m e s o f m y neigh b o r h o o d w e r e t h e r e j u s t a s they' d b e e n befor e b u t I c o u l d n ' t find a

n a m e fo r a singl e o n e o f t h e m .

-7 BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

All o f i t h a d b e e n se t of f balance . T h e b o r d e r s erased . T h e r e wa s n o wa y o f u n d e r s t a n d i n g eve n w h e r e m y body e n d e d a n d t h e res t picke d u p . C a n yo u i m a g i n e such a thing ? H o w a p e r s o n ca n ste p outsid e t h e i r ow n life? T h a t ' s h o w I b e g a n t o fee l drivin g t h e securit y g u a r d ' s ca r a r o u n d a n d a r o u n d o n t h a t street . I b e g a n to fee l a s i f I m i g h t b e takin g plac e insid e a televisio n movie. Finally, i n d e s p e r a t i o n , I f o u n d a ne w t u r n a n d w e n t a l o n g unti l i t b r o u g h t m e o u t b e n e a t h a highwa y u n d e r p a s s whic h I recognize d a s b e i n g o n t h e c o m p l e t e w r o n g sid e o f t h e ba y fro m w h e r e t h e p a r k was . Facto ries a p p e a r e d everywhere . T h e y li t u p int o t h e sk y lik e a carnival. I fel t a b o u t t h e m a s a p e r s o n w h o h a d b e e n strangled a n d t h r o w n awa y t o b e forgotten . B u t some t h i n g h a p p e n e d t h e n . I n t h e distanc e I coul d se e t h e black lin e o f water . C l o u d s s e e m e d t o c o m e d o w n al l a t o n c e ove r it . T h e y w e r e acros s t h e bay . T h e n sno w began. O u r firs t snowfal l o f t h e season ! It fel l i n large , stead y flakes whic h thickene d agains t t h e windshiel d a n d r o a d , a n d fille d m e , stupidly , wit h a v a g u e sexua l d e s i r e — I believ e I'v e woke n fro m we t d r e a m s i n j u s t suc h a way , a p p r e h e n s i v e , a s i f s o m e u n d e n i a b l e t r u t h a b o u t mysel f h a d b e e n carefull y a n d

•8 • DON JUDSO N

irretrievably m a d e k n o w n ; ye t no w I' d no t eve n b e e n asleep, a n d , h u m i l i a t e d , n e e d i n g a s m u c h t o m o v e a s sensing i n t h e sno w a n o p p o r t u n i t y , I d i m m e d t h e car' s lights a n d m a d e m y wa y u n n o t i c e d b e t w e e n tw o line s o f r a z o r - t o p p e d fencin g a n d a g u a r d s h a c k , a n d snuc k thi s way i n s u r r o u n d i n g d a r k n e s s d o w n a n acces s lane . . . . H e a d i n g , I knew , t o w a r d water , pas t wall s o f w h a t ap p e a r e d t o b e coal , a n d wid e scar s o f lan d g o u g e d flat w h e r e pipe s s p r o u t e d a n d intersecte d a t r a n d o m — f a r off b e h i n d o r t o o n e side , smokestacks , ghostly , l o o m i n g w r a i t h d r a b ; a n d t h e n t o a plac e w h e r e thes e a s wel l e n d e d a n d t h e r e s e e m e d t o b e n o t h i n g b u t vas t skeleta l night, a n d t h r o u g h i t o r u p int o a n d s t a m p e d u p o n , a c o n s t a n t falling , falling , a n d s o w i t h o u t c h a n c e t o se e o r react, u n a b l e t o sto p i n time , f o u n d mysel f r u n o u t o f r o a d a n d drivin g h e a d l o n g , a x l e d e e p o u t o n t o t h e tide flats o f t h e bac k e n d o f t h e bay . T h e ca r c o u g h e d a n d died . T h e r e wa s n o o t h e r s o u n d a t all . Off t o t h e r i g h t I coul d se e a serie s o f concret e breakwalls w h e r e rat s t h e siz e o f poodle s r o m p e d lik e h u n g r y children . B e y o n d t h e m wa s a r u i n e d liftbridge . Snow fel l softl y agains t it , a n d fel l a n d softl y settle d o n t h e water , a n d mudflat s a n d r o a d , erasing , a n d traffi c i n the distance — I s e e m e d t o b e ver y fa r away .

•9 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

O u t i n t h e h a r b o r itself , a b o u t tw o h u n d r e d yard s offshore, la y o n it s sid e t h e i m m e n s e hul l o f a n oilboa t s u n k j u st t h a t s u m m e r past . It raise d u p a s i f i t w e r e G o d . A n d I t h i n k n o w t h a t m a y b e i t was . I p u s h e d o p e n t h e d o o r a n d m a d e m y wa y t o w a r d i t t h r o u g h t h e t h i n light s o f t h e securit y g u a r d ' s car a n d a l o n g t h e s t a n d o f m u d a n d b r o k e n ston e strew n with bottle s a n d s l e n d e r fishline, a n d d o w n t h e n t o t h e oily blac k a n d col d w a t e r whic h wa s completel y still , a n d heavy, a n d n o t s o m u c h r e a c h e d u p a s shifte d t o accep t my fallin g into : firs t ankl e . . . t h e n thigh , a n d waist ; until I b e n t forwar d t o i t fully .

Y-CITY

C

h e e c h suggeste d w e b u r g l e a h o u s e . "We ca n sta b t h e wall s again, " h e said . "Shi t i n

t h e refrigerator. " I h a d n o ide a w h a t h e wa s talkin g about . B u t o u r Marlboros h a d r u n o u t a n d t h e s u n wa s b e g i n n i n g t o m a k e m y teet h a c h e a n d al l a r o u n d u s object s c o n t i n u e d m o v i n g i n way s the y w e r e n ' t s u p p o s e d to . T h e stree t especially, i t wa s u p i n m y face , a n d t h e n d o w n . W h i c h isn't t h e worst . T h e wors t i s lik e w h a t h a p p e n e d i n J u n e w h e n I' d b e e n t r i p p i n g fo r severa l day s a n d t h e n de cided t o d o a hi t o f s p e e d a n d hitchhik e t o t h e lake . B e a n e r said : W h o a m a n , yo u d o n ' t loo k s o good . Ye t t h e wa y al l o f i t h a d b e e n going , fo r t h e first tim e I' d fel t entirely scrape d clean . E v e r y t h i n g i n tow n h a d sa t b o x e d u p clos e lookin g b r i g h t a n d plasti c a s i f i t h a d j u s t b e e n w a s h e d . A s h u t t e r k e p t clickin g acros s m y eyes . I saw B e a n e r righ t i n fron t o f m e a t a b o u t sixt y frame s p e r m i n u t e . Sh e wa s smal l a n d beautifu l a n d al l s t r u n g out. Fo r o n e p r o f o u n d m o m e n t secret s p o p p e d b e t w e e n 13

-1 4DON JUDSO N

us i n o u r bloo d a n d b r a i n cell s a n d t h e n I wok e u p o n a hospital r o o m e m e r g e n c y cot . M y h a n d s h a d b e e n tie d to t h e railings . S o m e allerg y pill s fro m a bac k pocke t were a r r a y e d acros s m y chest . " H o w lon g hav e I b e e n h e r e , " I asked . "You've h a d a seizure, " s o m e o n e tol d m e . "You'r e d o i n g fine .

. . yo u talke d al l t h e wa y ove r h e r e i n t h e

ambulance." "You've b e e n sittin g u p , " the y said . T h e r o o m h a d b e e n filled wit h p e o p l e I couldn' t even r e m e m b e r . "I t h o u g h t I wa s stil l hitchin g t o t h e beach, " I in formed them . T o d a y wa s different . N o t necessaril y better . I' d d r u n k s o m e c o u g h medicin e t o ge t th e codeine . O n S u n d a y . A t first i t wa s okay , w e w e r e a t t h e bowlin g alleys, b u t t h e n I k e p t gettin g h i g h e r . I sa t d o w n out side b y mysel f fo r a whil e t o se e i f i t woul d stop . B u t it ha s e n d e d wit h m e u n a b l e t o a t t e n d wor k fo r t h r e e days. I m e a n , ho w ca n I ? At n i g h t I d r e a m face s a t m y window . I si t u p wit h my inside s i n m y m o u t h fro m fea r a n d se e n o t h i n g a n d finally say , " W h e w , i t wa s j u st a d r e a m . " T h e n , a s soo n as I relax , a fac e come s righ t bac k int o t h e r o o m sayin g my n a m e a n d I' m u p yelling , stuc k insid e a d r e a m I'v e

•1 5• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

already d r e a m t i s over . I t ha s b e c o m e a p r o b l e m t o t h e p o i n t t h a t w h e n e v e r I la y d o w n I begi n t o hallucinate . At leas t w h e n I ' m u p a n d a r o u n d I fee l lik e a piec e o f shit b u t i t i s a feelin g I ca n relat e to . Only, now , C h e e c h w a n t e d t o as k m e suc h a question— "Burgle," I sai d t o h i m . "D o I loo k lik e a p e r s o n w h o would car e t o b u r g l e a h o u s e ? " W e ' d c o m e b y thi s tim e t o find ourselve s i n t h e fron t p a r k i n g lo t o f t h e d r y cleanin g place . Car s k e p t drivin g in a n d out . T h e r e wa s a nois e lik e t h e ocea n a s c e n d a n t inside m y h e a d a n d C h e e c h sa t besid e m e d u r i n g al l o f it a s i f h e h a d a n abilit y n e v e r t o b e fooled . "Chec k i t out," h e e x p l a i n e d , "thi s p l a c e — w e d o n ' t eve n h a v e t o break, w e onl y j u st go t t o e n t e r . "

T h e h o u s e b e l o n g e d t o a doctor . W e d r o v e a lon g wa y from t h e r o a d t o eve n se e i t bac k t h e r e i n t h e trees . C h e e c h finally

s h u t t h e ca r of f n e x t t o a ston e wall .

A l t h o u g h h e wa s smilin g h e ' d d o n e a lous y j o b . T h e r e w e r e leave s i n t h e windshiel d wiper s a n d a willo w b r a n c h fro m hi s h a v i n g n o d d e d of f a n d r u n u s int o s o m e b u s h e s j u st a s we' d lef t t h e m a i n r o a d . Right befor e t h a t t h e r a d i o h a d b e e n playin g m y favorite song .

•1 6• DON JUDSO N

" H u r r y , " I' d w a r n e d h i m alread y k n o w i n g i t wa s to o late, "wak e u p . " "I t h i n k I too k t h e w r o n g t u r n , " h e said . W h e r e h a d h e g o t t e n suc h a n idea ? I w a n t e d t o p o i n t o u t t h a t we' d alread y drive n righ t acros s a stream . By t h e tim e i t wa s over , beside s a b r o k e n windshiel d a n d f e n d e r s lef t b e h i n d , t h e ca r h a d gotte n p a r t wa y u p a fallen tree . "You p u s h , " C h e e c h suggested . "I'l l steer. " I h a d sa t starin g i n a m a z e m e n t a t t h e fac t w e w e r e still alive . " O n e , two ; o n e , two, " h e ' d calle d out . Yet a s soo n a s w e w e r e safel y p a r k e d , C h e e c h s e e m e d d e t e r m i n e d t o forge t thi s inciden t altogether . H e pulle d u p nex t t o t h e ston e wal l a n d climbe d happil y o u t o f t h e ca r a n d p o i n t e d t o t h e h o u s e . " T h i s i s it, " h e said . " H o m e swee t h o m e , " h e p r o c l a i m e d wit h a n e x p a n sive flourish. N o n e o f i t fel t t h a t way . Yo u onl y h a d t o loo k acros s t h e u n b r u i s e d law n a n d n e a t c h e c k e r b o a r d flagstone patio t o t h e h o u s e itself , al l grea t risin g shingle d side s o f w e a t h e r e d woo d a n d fine cu t glass , t o kno w t h a t i f any o n e w e r e t o c o m e a l o n g the y woul d u n d e r s t a n d C h e e c h a n d mysel f righ t awa y t o hav e b e e n p u k e d u p i n th e exact w r o n g place . I d i d n ' t kno w w h a t t o say . A smel l o f

•1 7BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

flowers c a m e u p m i x e d int o t h e h e a t o f gasoline . I t wa s all I coul d d o t o k e e p fro m gagging . T h i n g s d i d n ' t see m all t h a t m u c h b e t t e r o u t i n t h e c o u n t r y . " O h shit, " I w a n t e d t o cry . B u t C h e e c h wa s alread y s t a n d i n g insid e t h e doctor' s foyer p u n c h i n g n u m b e r s t o deactivat e hi s a l a r m system . I wa s astonished . H e ' d walke d righ t in . "Karin," C h e e c h tol d m e , m e a n i n g hi s girlfriend . "Guy use d t o b e h e r stepfather. " B e h i n d h i m , f u r t h e r bac k int o t h e hallway , t h e ex stepfather's p a i n t i n g s a n d jewelr y a n d televisio n set s were neatl y stacked . "We've b e e n h e r e a b o u t t h r e e times, " C h e e c h ex plained, "sinc e t h e famil y w e n t o n vacation. " T h e e n t i r e h o u s e wa s a mess . I w a n t e d t o chec k t h e b a t h r o o m cabinet s b u t C h e e c h insiste d o n a t o u r t o point o u t al l t h e place s h e a n d Kari n h a d b e e n d o i n g it . T h e s e place s i n c l u d e d b e d s a n d couche s a n d e n d tables . T h e y h a d d o n e i t i n m o s t ever y r o o m a n d eve n t h e sink . T h e t h o u g h t o f that , o f Kari n s w e e p i n g silverwar e a n d plates fro m t h e c o u n t e r a s C h e e c h hoiste d h e r ove r it s edge, lef t m e dizzy . I r e m e m b e r e d h e r fro m c o m i n g int o t h e Hillto p o n e a f t e r n o o n fo r a d r i n k : sh e looke d t o b e a p e r s o n w h o coul d h a v e yo u m o a n i n g tw o week s int o an icehouse . People h a d actuall y s t o p p e d playin g pool .

•1 8• DON JUDSO N

"My, my , my, " s o m e o f t h e boy s sai d w h e n the y sa w how sh e wa s insid e a pai r o f p a n t s wit h a z i p p e r r u n n i n g d o w n t h e l e n g t h o f h e r hip . I t wa s a z i p p e r they' d w a n t e d t o believ e themselve s righ t t h e n a n d t h e r e t o have fumble d a n d crie d ove r n i g h t afte r night . N o w I t h o u g h t I sa t d o w n fro m t h e ide a o f h e r i n a sink onl y i t m u s t hav e b e e n t h e codein e becaus e w h e n I looked a r o u n d I wasn' t sittin g a t al l b u t s t a n d i n g instea d in t h e cella r w h e r e t h e r e wa s a g a m e area . C h e e c h wa s g e s t u r i n g al l a r o u n d . T h e n h e t u r n e d a n d left . Afte r a m i n u t e musi c c a m e fro m t h e livin g r o o m . T h e r e wa s n o h u r r y i s w h a t i t s e e m e d h e ' d said . W e coul d loa d t h e ex s t e p f a t h e r doctor' s belonging s int o t h e ca r later . T h e r e was n o h u r r y a t all . Only s o m e t h i n g h a d c h a n g e d . A s u d d e n shif t i n t h e g e o g r a p h y o f m y h i g h . I coul d n o l o n g e r stan d still . I walked t o t h e secon d floor e x p e c t i n g light s a n d cymbal s a n d t h e s o u n d o f G o d . Instea d t h e r e wa s a r o o m filled with rifles . T h e y w e r e beautiful . O n e o f t h e m looke d t o be t h e kin d use d b y snipers . I too k i t d o w n a n d f o u n d s o m e bullet s a n d w e n t t o a window . All o f thi s too k plac e a s i f I w e r e insid e a d r e a m . T h e ocea n stil l buzzed . My leg s w e r e weak . T h e r e wa s a fa n whic h s o m e o n e h a d b r o k e n a n d a

-1 9• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

n i g h t tabl e b y t h e windo w wit h a lon g silve r m i r r o r o n it. I sa t cradlin g t h e rifl e i n m y a r m s . T h r o u g h it s scope , o n e mil e away , t o w a r d t h e lake , e v e r y t h i n g a p p e a r e d t o be neatl y a n d exactl y f r a m e d lik e a toy . I watche d fo r a while a s salesmen , housewives , a n d visitor s t o o u r r e g i o n d r o v e t h e i r statio n w a g o n s o r sport s car s d o w n a n d a r o u n d tiny , w o o d e d hills . I t wa s a s i f w e h a d al l climbe d inside a d i a m o n d t o g e t h e r . I coul d smel l thos e people ! Every hai r plastere d agains t thei r we t foreheads . T h e sweat a s i t d r i p p e d o r r a n d o w n faces , dark , t h e n p a l e — across shadow s t h r o w n int o small , quic k burst s o f light. My finge r wa s r i g h t t h e r e o n t h e trigger . I t m i g h t have b e e n exactl y w h a t I' d b e e n waitin g for , b u t I' m n o t sure. I r e m e m b e r takin g a d e e p b r e a t h . Nothing moved . All t h e cloud s sa t abov e t h e gre y sludg e o f o u r fa m o u s lake . T h e s u n wa s a pis s yello w ball . I t sa t t h e r e too. T h e n , finally,

downstair s t h e musi c wen t off . I

h e a r d C h e e c h snoring . S n o r i n g ! W h o coul d guess , I'v e h e a r d p e o p l e sa y o n m a n y occasions , w h a t t h e fuc k t h a t d u d e i s eve n thinking . O n c e , j u s t afte r h e ' d r e t u r n e d from V i e t n a m missin g a k n e e c a p a n d s o m e o t h e r part s of hi s leg , C h e e c h trie d t o se t a n Italia n o n fire. I t wa s a t

-2 0• DON JUDSO N

a ga s station . T h e Italian' s girlfrien d h a d t h a t h o t loo k a b o u t h e r wit h bi g h a i r a n d jewelr y a n d s o t h e Italian , w h o t h o u g h t C h e e c h w o r k e d a t t h e station , said , H e y g i m p — h o w a b o u t it . T h a t wa s a w r o n g thing . H e di d n o t u n d e r s t a n d Cheech' s k n e e c a p los t i n a t u n n e l w h e r e i t h a d b e e n blow n u p whil e h e crawle d a n d crawle d afte r t h e e n e m y . C a n yo u i m a g i n e that , m o v i n g a n d m o v i n g int o s o m e t h i n g a b o u t whic h yo u have n o idea ? C h e e c h could , a n d s o h e p u t t h e nozzl e o f t h e ga s p u m p r i g h t insid e t h e w i n d o w o f t h e Cadilla c w h e r e t h e Italia n a n d hi s girlfrien d wit h bi g h a i r sat . T h i s al l too k plac e d u r i n g a tim e w h e n i t s e e m e d t h a t ever y wee k o n televisio n yo u sa w a n o t h e r Saigo n m o n k b u r n themselve s i n protest . S o w h e n C h e e c h soaked h i m d o w n t h e Italia n stil l trie d t o loo k h a r d , " H e y , " h e said , b u t h e m u s t hav e b e e n t h i n k i n g right t h e n a b o u t thos e Buddhists . H o w the y b e n t t h e air . A n d died folde d i n w a r d lik e k e r o s e n e flowers.

Becaus e a s

soon a s C h e e c h s h o w e d a boo k o f m a t c h e s t h e Italia n was ove r hi s girlfrien d a n d o u t t h e o t h e r window . W h a t i s t h e r e t o kno w i n thi s lif e anyway ? T h a t da y w e r o b b e d t h e d o c t o r t u r n e d o u t t o b e a good o n e . I w e n t a n d wok e C h e e c h a n d w e p u t t h e jewelry a n d television s o u t o n t h e flagstone

pati o a n d

•2 1• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

t h e n loade d t h e m int o hi s car . B y t h e n m y h i g h wa s finally r u n n i n g d o w n a n d w h e n w e go t bac k t o tow n a n e d g e s e e m e d t o b e of f e v e r y t h i n g a n d we' d m a d e s o m e m o n e y s o t h e r e w e r e d r i n k s a n d a fe w l a u g h s t o g e t h e r . T h e r e alway s w e r e wit h C h e e c h . I t h o u g h t o f h i m a s a p e r s o n w h o k n e w m e b e t t e r t h a n most . B u t i n 197 5 h e wa s t o h o l d a pisto l t o m y h e a d a n d m a k e m e sho w h i m w h e r e J o h n t h e C h i n k a n d I h a d h i d d e n o u r crysta l m e t h . T h e g u n looke d s o a m a z i n g t h e r e i n hi s h a n d i t m a d e m e cry . " S h u t u p , " C h e e c h said . At first h e onl y s l a p p e d t h e barre l acros s m y fac e b u t t h e n a fit o f s o m e kin d s e e m e d t o tak e h o l d a n d t h e g u n w e n t of f f o u r times . " D o n ' t worry, " h e insiste d afte r t h e r i n g i n g h a d s t o p p e d a n d I' d tol d h i m w h a t h e w a n t e d t o h e a r , "no body's b e e n shot. " T h e ide a s e e m e d t o d i s a p p o i n t h i m . A l t h o u g h I h a v e n ' t see n C h e e c h since , I h e a r d fro m Karin t h a t h e m i g h t b e d o w n s o u t h . T h e y ' d b e e n m a r ried a n d w h e n thing s b e g a n t o g o w r o n g a n d afte r h e ' d r o b b e d m e a n d s o m e o t h e r friend s a n d d i s a p p e a r e d , sh e got a n u n s i g n e d postcar d fro m Ke y West , Florida . Kari n talked t o m e a b o u t al l o f thi s o n e n i g h t o n D e x t e r Street . She wa s d r u n k a n d playe d wit h h e r w e d d i n g ring a

lot .

-2 2DON JUDSO N

After a whil e sh e aske d m e t o g o h o m e wit h h e r a n d I did, t h o u g h i t wasn' t a b o u t r e v e n g e , a n d besides , b y t h e n I' d b e c o m e a p e r s o n w h o coul d barel y stan d t h e t h o u g h t o f s o m e o n e els e t o u c h i n g t h e m , a n d n o n e o f i t really m a t t e r e d anyway .

IN

S E C U R I TY

L O C K D O W N: PRISON,

1981

W

h e n B o o - B o o stab s Morri s Boyl e I a m r e a d i n g a news m a g a z i n e t h a t s o m e o n e ha s s m u g g l e d

o n t o t h e wing . I t i s a n articl e a b o u t a d o g w h o u n c o v e r s a grav e o f severa l smal l b o n e s w r a p p e d carefull y i n bit s of waxe d p a p e r . T h e d o g i s n o t a polic e d o g b u t onl y o n e whic h h a p p e n s t o b e d i g g i n g b y a gazeb o i n a neigh bor's g a r d e n . Als o recovere d are : t h r e e blac k candles , tufts o f hair , a r i n g a n d tw o deck s o f playin g cards . T h e w o m a n w h o own s t h e gazeb o a n d t h e g a r d e n s ha s live d alone fo r a s l o n g a s a n y o n e ca n r e m e m b e r . She tell s a stor y whic h begins : Befor e yo u kne w me , a s t r a n g e r , a religiou s m a n o f cosmopolita n b a c k g r o u n d . . . . I t i s a ridiculou s story , a n d n o o n e listen s t o h e r . T h i s i s i n a p a r t o f o u r c o u n t r y cu t of f a n d b u r n e d d r y by a d r o u g h t o f severa l year s s o you' d i m a g i n e it s tree s to h a n g lik e stick s fro m t h e sk y abov e t h e ol d w o m a n , a n d t h e sk y itsel f a b s u r d a n d t h e d o g a s the y stan d t h e r e s u r r o u n d e d b y r e p o r t e r s , sh e alread y h a v i n g b e e n r e c o r d e d a s feelin g hersel f t o b e t h e victi m o f a cruel , i f 25

•2 6• DON JUDSO N

ultimately harmless , h i g h schoo l p r a n k . I t i s thi s clos e c o m m u n i t y o f smal l towns , a n d t e e n a g e d r u g abuse , she m e n t i o n s m o r e t h a n once . B u t t h a t evening , i n a sprawling p o n d b e h i n d h e r h o m e , polic e detective s called t o t h e scen e discove r a child' s h e a d s u n k i n a b a g of stones . A r o u n d m e , t h e w e a t h e r ha s t u r n e d drizzl y a n d h o t . S o m e t i m e s wit h a smal l polishe d m i r r o r hel d outsid e m y bars, I watc h t h e hall . I ' m waiting . A n d I wai t a n d n o t h ing changes . T h e r e i s only silenc e o r a n u n b r o k e n noise . T h e silenc e i s a p r a y e r . O f s u r r e n d e r . T o this , I whisper , to thi s a n d o t h e r devotions . I d o n ' t know . W h a t i s t h e r e t o tel l h e r e i n securit y lockdow n I ea t breakfast. L u n c h . D i n n e r . D o s o m e p u s h - u p s . Lik e a holy m a n o f day s I j a c k m y dic k testifyin g t o t h e bar s t h e wall s a n d ceiling . T h e n wai t fo r mai l call , medica l r o u n d s — f o r t h e n u r s e o r m e d - t e c h w h o wil l p r e t e n d n o t t o h e a r a t al l i f I speak ; a n d fo r t h e fa t g u a r d delivering letter s cel l b y cell , callin g o u t o u r n a m e s . . . . H e i s m o r e direct , b u t craz y a s well , w a r n i n g m e ever y day t h a t n o o n e ca n expec t t o r e t u r n fro m p r a y e r alive . My m o t h e r agai n write s t h a t sh e i s frightened . Sh e p u t s m o r e lock s o n h e r d o o r . I wis h t h a t I coul d h e l p . B u t t h e r e i s n o messag e fro m h e r e , t h e r e i s n o t h i n g .

27 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

A l t h o u g h m a y b e I s h o u l d tel l h e r this : e m b r a c e , lik e t h e m a n y h e a d s o f o n e snake , y o u r fear . A n d : wal k o u t to m e e t it . I ' m n o t sure , I d o n ' t believ e I s h o u l d sa y a n y t h i n g at all : b u t listen , a r o u n d m e t h e w e a t h e r ha s t u r n e d . I t has t u r n e d t h e wall s t o swea t lik e crac k lik e win e lik e sick. T h e y swea t roaches , a n d the y swea t m y lif e u n r e a l . Please, call s B o o - B o o ever y a f t e r n o o n , M o t h e r o f G o d allow m e t o die . Go ahead . Listen. H e y d u d e , y o u d o n ' t h a v e t o as k permission . J u s t d o it, alright ? D o yoursel f a n d s h u t t h e fuc k u p . B u t o f c o u r s e h e doesn't . I n s t e a d take s a piec e o f straightrazor t o Morri s Boyle . O h G o d , i s w h a t t h e Boyle yells . O h J e s u s shit , h e says .

T h e r e i s a r o a d a r o u n d t h e priso n a n d i n t h e s u m m e r d u s t wil l cove r i t b y n o o n a n d o n t h e da y I wa s take n t o lockdown I w a t c h e d t h e S e r g e a n t a n d a c o - 1 c o m e d o w n this r o a d , whic h wa s alread y h o t a n d dust y a n d settle d itself b e h i n d t h e m a s the y walked . I h a d b e e n d o i n g sit ups. T h r e e sets , t h e n res t fo r fiv e m i n u t e s . F r o m w h e r e I sa t I coul d watc h a l o n g t h e fenc e lin e fo r a q u a r t e r

-2 8• DON JUDSO N

mile t o a p o i n t a t whic h t h e g r o u n d climbe d a n d t h e r o a d t u r n e d a n d w e n t o u t o f sight , t h e tree s acros s fro m it s t u n t e d , t h e sk y lo w a n d h o t a n d p u n c h i n g d o w n int o t h e r o a d . T h e n t h e S e r g e a n t a n d Mr . May s c a m e d o w n past t h e tree s a n d o n t o t h e c o m p o u n d . T a m p a Fats , acting a s a spoo k fo r a p o k e r g a m e , w a r n e d t h e players . B u t t h e cop s walke d pas t Fat s a n d t h e g a m e a n d u p to m e . T h e r o o m w h e r e I wa s t a k e n wa s smal l a n d tigh t a n d w i t h o u t air . T h e r e w e r e t h r e e o f u s i n t h e r o o m : myself, t h e Colonel , a n d a n investigatin g L i e u t e n a n t . "Now, we' d loo k a littl e foolish , w o u l d n ' t we, " t h e Colonel said , " k n o w i n g w h a t w e do , a n d lettin g yo u bac k on th e compound? " B e h i n d t h e Colonel' s des k wa s a Coca-Col a m a chine. It s light s h a d b e e n b u s t e d out , a n d ove r th e d o o r s o m e o n e h a d h u n g a pictur e o f a w o m a n wit h hole s w h e r e h e r fac e wa s s u p p o s e d t o be . Abov e it , o n t h e wall, a d e e r h e a d a n d tw o p h o t o g r a p h s w e r e h u n g . T h e first, o f m e n i n a r m y uniforms . F o u r g u a r d s whos e face s w e r e b l u r r e d indistinc t p o s e d t o g e t h e r i n t h e second . B e t w e e n t h e m the y hel d a bowlin g t r o p h y . A b a n n e r across t h e b o t t o m o f thi s pictur e r e a d : D e p a r t m e n t o f Corrections. F o u r Rivers , C.I. , 1986 . N e a r t h e Coca Cola m a c h i n e t h e r e wa s als o a coatrac k a n d a fan . T h a t

•2 9• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

was al l t h e r e wa s i n t h e r o o m . T h e fa n di d n o t a p p e a r to b e working . I t wa s ver y hot . " T h e fact s are , s o n — " t h e Colone l said , " a n d h e r e ' s n u m b e r two , t h e first b e i n g w e hav e ever y r e a s o n t o believe t h e contrac t o n y o u r lif e . . . yo u see ? B u t t h e second b e i n g t h a t t h e m a n w h o ha s c o m e f o r w a r d — a n d h e r e I ' m j u s t t h i n k i n g o f you , s o n — t h e m a n deal t wit h n o m o r e t h a n a go-between , a n d thi s i s w h e r e t h e p r o b lem lie s a n d w h e r e yo u ca n ge t o u t o f t h e p r o b l e m . . . i t b e i n g t o tel l u s w h o t h e p e r p e t r a t o r o r p e r p e t r a t o r s o f t h e contrac t are . T h i s i s w h a t yo u ca n straighte n o u t right now. " E v e r y o n e wa s b e i n g ver y pleasant . W h e n I' d first b e e n b r o u g h t int o t h e offic e t h e L i e u t e n a n t h a d looke d u p a t m e fro m w h e r e h e sa t o n a c o r n e r o f t h e Colonel' s desk a n d aske d i f I w o u l d lik e t h e handcuff s off . "Wel l now," t h e Colone l tol d m e , "seem s w e go t u s a littl e p r o b l e m a n d s o m e confusio n b o t h . " T h e Colone l ap p e a r e d t o b e a b o u t sixt y year s ol d a n d wa s thi n a n d tal l a n d forma l i n a s o u t h e r n m a n n e r whic h m a d e h i m see m very please d t o b e h a v i n g thi s conversation . B u t h e wa s n o t a t al l h a p p y . " A five h u n d r e d dolla r contract, " t h e Colonel said . I t wa s a s i f w e wer e al l friends . A n d n o w they woul d hav e m e locke d d o w n twenty-fou r h o u r s a day u n d e r administrativ e c o n f i n e m e n t unti l I coul d b e

•3 0DON JUDSO N

s h i p p e d becaus e I wa s whit e a n d becaus e I h a d p e o p l e a n d possibl y a g o o d lawye r a n d i f the y le t m e bac k o n t o t h e c o m p o u n d I wa s g o i n g t o b e kille d a n d t h a t coul d cause t h e m trouble . S o o f cours e e v e r y t h i n g wa s decide d a n d t h e r e wa s n o r e a s o n fo r a n y o n e t o b e u n h a p p y , except m e , w h o di d n o t c o u n t , a n d t h e Colone l p e r h a p s , w h o did , a n d w h o h a d alread y b e e n i n c o n v e n i e n c e d b y this bi t o f p a p e r wor k a n d becaus e o f t h a t w a n t e d n a m e s a n d woul d n o t b e please d i f h e di d n o t ge t t h e m . "A five-hundred-dollar

contract,

" t h e L i e u t e n a n t re -

peated. T h r o u g h a windo w whic h h a d recentl y b e e n cu t int o t h e wal l o f t h e offic e a n d lef t unfinishe d I coul d se e t h e r o a d t h e S e r g e a n t h a d walke d d o w n a shor t whil e be fore, a n d b e y o n d t h a t a field o f cu t s t u m p s . T e n o r twelve p r i s o n e r s w e r e i n t h e field.

Severa l o f t h e m

w o r k e d , pullin g s t u m p s fro m t h e g r o u n d , whil e t h e res t stood waitin g b e n e a t h a s t a n d o f cottonwood s whic h h a d peeled an d wer e rottin g i n th e sun . T h e m e n wh o waited hel d pick s a n d shovel s i n thei r h a n d s a n d looke d d o w n a n d di d n o t a p p e a r t o spea k t o o n e a n o t h e r . O n l y o n c e h a d I f o u n d t r o u b l e whil e i n thi s prison . T h e first day i n a n o n t r a n s i t d o r m , I wa s sittin g o n m y b u n k , j u s t u n p a c k e d , b u t wit h t h r e e shirt s a n d m y sunglasse s stil l lying o n t o p o f a n u p t u r n e d bo x w h e n a bi g j i t t e r b u g called Coco a a n d t h r e e o f hi s r u n n i n g p a r t n e r s c a m e u p

•3 1• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

to m e . " H e y m a n , " Coco a said , " t h e m ours, " p o i n t i n g to m y sunglasses . I' d see n Coco a a r o u n d before . O n e m o r n i n g , t u r n i n g a c o r n e r b e h i n d t h e e d u c a t i o n build ing, I' d c o m e u p o n a g r o u p o f i n m a t e s watchin g a rob bery. I t wa s Cocoa , w h o h a d a n ol d m a n d o w n o n t h e g r o u n d a n d wa s kickin g h i m , w o r k i n g hi s legs , layin g al l his f r a m e int o ever y kick . Everybod y j u s t stoo d a r o u n d a n d w a t c h e d . "Eas y now , cracker, " Coco a tol d m e t h a t day i n t h e d o r m , "rea l easy. " O n e o f t h e h o m e b o y s Cocoa h a d b r o u g h t wit h h i m w o r e a gol d t o o t h a n d t o u c h e d a spo t o n hi s li p j u st abov e i t a n d t h e n adjuste d t h e b r i m o f hi s c a p s o t h a t i t sa t sideway s o n hi s h e a d . U n d e r n e a t h t h e h a t wa s a r e d b a n d a n n a . " T h e m m e , cracker, " Coco a sai d agai n a n d t h e n slowly r e a c h e d d o w n a n d too k t h e sunglasses . "Alright," t h e h o m e b o y said , l a u g h i n g softly . T h a t n i g h t afte r s u p p e r I h a d sa t o n s o m e bleacher s by t h e basebal l field unti l I sa w Coco a g o int o t h e d o r m alone. I waite d a m i n u t e a n d t h e n walke d t o a blin d spo t b e t w e e n t h e d o r m s a n d t h e fenc e a n d d u g a r o u n d a large rock , p u l l i n g i t fro m t h e g r o u n d . U n d e r n e a t h wa s a n e i g h t e e n inc h l o n g piec e o f r e - b a r I' d stole n fro m t h e m a c h i n e s h o p a n d b u r i e d a fe w day s before . H o l d i n g t h e p i p e t h r o u g h a hol e cu t int o m y p a n t s pocke t I w e n t to t h e d o r m a n d f o u n d Coco a sittin g o n o n e o f t h e toilets i n t h e larg e s h o w e r r o o m a t t h e bac k o f t h e build -

•3 2• DON JUDSO N

ing w h e r e , a t t h a t tim e o f da y a n d i f I wa s quick , t h e r e was littl e c h a n c e o f a n y o n e c o m i n g i n o n us . T h e toilet s w e r e s e p a r a t e d fro m eac h o t h e r onl y b y smal l bric k partitions, ches t h i g h , a n d lef t o p e n a t t h e front , a n d I walked u p o n h i m befor e h e kne w I wa s t h e r e a n d b e g a n w i t h o u t a w o r d t o swin g t h e re-bar . T h e first tim e Cocoa wa s hi t h e s c r e a m e d a n d hi s eye s rolle d bac k int o his h e a d . Afte r t h a t h e onl y m a d e smal l we t s o u n d s a n d wa s probabl y mostl y unconscious , a l t h o u g h o n c e i t s e e m e d h e wa s tryin g t o ge t a n a r m u p t o protec t hi s face. T h e r e wa s bloo d everywhere . " W h o s e sunglasse s a r e these? " I k e p t askin g Cocoa . Later, I cu t t h e n a m e tag s fro m m y clothe s a n d pitched t h e m a n d t h e p i p e int o a l a u n d r y cot . I h a d n e v e r b e e n m o r e f r i g h t e n e d i n m y life . B u t this , now , w o u l d h a v e n o t h i n g t o d o wit h Coco a a n d i t w o u l d b e m u c h worse . I kne w t h a t immediately . O n t h e street s I' d r o b b e d cocain e dealers . N o w they' d f o u n d m e a n d h a d contacts i n thi s c a m p a n d t h e r e wa s n o t h i n g t o b e d o n e . It o c c u r r e d t o m e fo r s o m e r e a s o n t h e n t h a t w h a t I wa s looking a t — t h e r o a d , n o w e m p t y , a n d t h e clea n lin e o f fence, b o t h s o m e h o w u n r e a l agains t t h e sky , a n d be h i n d t h e m t h e sky , i m m e d i a t e , a s i f s o m e o n e h a d p a i n t e d i t o n a whit e shee t o f p a p e r a n d lai d i t insid e m y m i n d — t h e s e woul d b e t h e ide a o f priso n I' d alway s carry wit h m e .

•3 3• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

"I d o n ' t know , sir, " I said . "Yo u d e p e n d i n g o n m e . . . i t woul d s e e m t o m a k e yo u t h e o n e go t a p r o b l e m . "

H o w m a n y time s ha s o n e voic e c o m e towar d concep t i o n — m o a n i n g u n d e r t h e weigh t o f light , a n d t h e voic e itself n o m o r e t h a n a m o m e n t ' s absenc e o f t h a t light ? O n c e , w h e n I wa s n i n e year s old , t h e r e wa s a fir e a t a h o r s e stable . I t wa s M a r c h a n d patche s o f sno w w e r e still o n t h e g r o u n d . Severa l horse s h a d escape d t h e b a r n s b y kickin g d o w n thei r stal l a n d t h e n stabl e doors , a n d w h e n t h e s e — s o m e t h r e e o r fou r o n l y — r o s e sud denly fro m t h e froze n wood s the y themselve s h a d be c o m e t h e fire, t h e i r m a n e s a n d s t e a m i n g flanks,

an d

most especiall y t h e risin g col d o f al l t h e i r eyes . Blood sweate d a n d splaye d o u t o n t o t h e snow . I wa s only n i n e year s ol d a n d w a n t e d thi s t o sto p a n d b e g a n praying, b u t fro m t h e b a r n s al l t h a t coul d b e h e a r d w e r e whistle-pitch scream s o f t e r r o r — a n d I r e m e m b e r seein g myself t h e n a s b o t h t h e horse s whic h r e m a i n e d t r a p p e d , a n d t h e u n c o n t r o l l a b l e wal l waitin g befor e t h e m . Now, h e r e , swallowe d withi n thi s priso n i f I coul d only m a k e fo r mysel f a g e o g r a p h y o f fire distinc t some h o w fro m fire— " D o n ' t bitc h u p , " w e cal l t o o n e a n o t h e r . "Don't b r e a k weak. "

• 3 4• DON JUDSO N

B o o - B o o stab s Morri s Boyl e a n d I believ e t h e r e i s n o difference , b u t t h e da y b u r n s t h i n a s p a r c h m e n t t o display a n e n g i n e o f livin g s p r e a d b e t w e e n r i b s — a n d m e , w h o sit s a l o n e a n d shake s t o d e a t h h e r e i n m y cell . H e stab s Morri s Boyl e a n d I ca n tast e a n d se e t h r o u g h t o t h e swea t o f weakness , w a i t i n g — b u t n o t for m e . . . . Becaus e dail y I kil l myself , scourin g clea n intestines, kidney , l i v e r — a n d la y t h e m singl y acros s m y b e d , o n e afte r t h e o t h e r . A n d al l I w o n d e r i s this : h o w i s it t h a t o n e o f u s b e c o m e s bone-whit e wit h want , a n d t h e o t h e r not ? T h i s i s w h a t I m e a n : prison , t o m e , ha s b e c o m e t h e first clea n m i r r o r . A n d ca n onl y b e w h a t i t is . I n t h e m i r r o r thi s i s t h e h e a r t o f m i d n i g h t . Wit h a shee t p r o p p e d u n d e r m y h e a d a s a pillow , al l n i g h t I star e a t t h e bars . I star e t h e bars , whic h a r e g r e e n , int o n o t h i n g ness. T h e n star e t h e m int o t h e world' s las t h a r d b a n d s of light . T h e n I ste p b e y o n d t h e light : I ' m s t a n d i n g i n a clearing a t a wood' s e d g e . B e h i n d m e i s t h e prison . T h e m o o n sit s b u n c h e d abov e i t lik e s o m e g r e a t catbird . It' s a h i g h s u m m e r m o o n , yello w a n d finel y veined . A clou d passes acros s it s face . A n d fo r o n e m o m e n t I ' m n o l o n g e r a m a n s t a n d i n g outsid e a priso n b u t a m agai n a y o u n g bo y r o w i n g hi s skiff . I t i s a J u ly n i g h t smellin g o f salt m a r s h , a n d fro m o u r fron t p o r c h m y p a r e n t ' s voice s drift, t h r e a d l i k e a n d d i s e m b o d i e d , acros s t h e wate r a s i f

•3 5• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

they w e r e issuin g fro m t h e d a r k n e s s itsel f whic h leave s i m p e r c e p t i b l e n o t onl y t h e p o r c h w h e r e I kno w m y m o t h e r a n d fathe r si t b u t o u r h o u s e a s wel l a n d eve n t h e shore , onl y a lin e o f l a n t e r n s s t r u n g fro m post s r u n n i n g t h e pier' s l e n g t h t o a n c h o r m y imaginatio n a s I m o v e a l o n g t h e vas t blac k li p o f a n o p e n sea , ye t al l t h e while believin g n o t i n an y terrors , b u t instea d i n t h e finality o f thos e light s a n d t h a t shore , a n d o f t h e voice s b e h i n d t h e m . O n t h a t n i g h t also , lyin g agains t t h e g u n wale, shiverin g slightly , m y shir t d a m p wit h oi l a n d wa ter, I w a t c h e d h i g h flathead

cloud s cros s i n silenc e be -

fore t h e m o o n , a n d wa s i n t h a t m o m e n t a s s u r e o f t h e e q u a b l e passag e o f t h e worl d a s I'v e eve r b e e n . S o now , s t a n d i n g j u st b e y o n d t h e b a r b e d wir e fenc e I tr y t o find again, waitin g i n thi s m e m o r y , belief , a n d hol d i t t o myself a l o n g m i n u t e . T h e n I d r a w a d e e p b r e a t h o f ai r sweet wit h o r a n g e blossom s a n d wal k awa y fro m t h e prison c o m p o u n d . All n i g h t I walk , twic e skirtin g m a r s h y areas . Clos e to d a w n I t h i n k I h e a r t h e d o g s a n d craw l int o a thicke t which o p e n s slightl y a r o u n d t h e t r u n k o f a tree . Al l da y I wai t a n d slee p i n t h e r e . O n c e , w h e n I wake , m y eye s will barel y o p e n . T h e y a r e swolle n a n d oozing . M y ski n feels w a r m . Aslee p again , I d r e a m o f insect s larg e a s bats. W h a t stop s thi s d r e a m ? I s i t t h e dogs , ca n I h e a r t h e m ? Later , I si t u p a n d b e c o m e sick . M y leg s a r e

• 36 •

DON JUDSON

swollen from bites and the poison of nettles. But it's dark again. I start out. By midnight I've gone at least ten miles. Now my hands begin to turn blue. It seems I can picture myself drinking some time earlier from a dirty pool. I try to reconstruct events in my mind, yet can't. Just before sunrise I stumble from a steep bank onto a small dirt road wound like a ribbon down through the darkness. At the end of the road is a tiny cottage. I stand up once more, carefully, and begin to walk. While my legs seem to move, I get nowhere. Finally I sit down in the middle of the road and begin to cry. A door swings open at the front of the cottage. An old man comes out. He walks down the road and lifts me in his ruined arms. Is this how light death is, I wonder. He speaks gently and tells me that fever has burnt the very being, and its weight, from my bones. Mr. Ghede is his name. In his room lingers a dry sweet taste. I'm sitting at a table, Mr. Ghede at its other end. Before Mr. Ghede waits a pencil and a piece of paper with which I've asked him to draw a map of the woods. He wears the cokethick glasses of the nearly blind and if my limbs weren't swollen to inhuman proportion I would hit Mr. Ghede and rob him. The old man places a steaming mug of broth in my hands. He will help me.

•3 7• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

Mr. G h e d e p u t s hi s fac e u p clos e t o t h e penci l a n d p a p e r , p e e r i n g a t t h e m . D r i n k t h e rest , h e tell s m e , i t will m a k e yo u fee l better . I notic e there' s a p o n d b e h i n d t h e cottage . A n d g a r d e n s . T h e ol d m a n ha s buil t a doll-hous e hal f agai n l a r g e r t h a n hi s o w n q u a r t e r s . Afte r that , tim e m u s t pas s because t h e r o o m b e c o m e s different . I t i s li t b y candle s placed i n eac h o f t h e fou r corners . I ca n se e int o t h e light. T h e roo f a n d wall s r u s h d o w n t o t h e floor. Mr. G h e d e stand s outsid e a window . I se e h i m watching. Firs t t h e r e i s this : t h e heav y smel l o f flowers. T h e y a r e i n m y m o u t h a n d o n m y t o n g u e lik e nettles . I g a g a n d fill t h e ai r wit h petal s thic k a s wings . T h e ol d m a n ha s p u t s o m e t h i n g i n m y d r i n k t o d o this . A s I loo k h e t u r n s int o terribl e Mr . B o n e s a n d t h e n b e c o m e s a n old w o m a n w i t h o u t t e e t h . H e chuckles . Goat' s blood , h e says . N o w h e seem s to b e w a t c h i n g m y face . Goat' s blood , a n d win e a n d s o m e t h i n g specia l t o giv e yo u vision . I hallucinat e a

graveyard . T h e ol d m a n come s

s c r e a m i n g a b o u t hi s life' s sleepin g m i n d , talkin g lik e o n e h u n d r e d m o u t h s a n d callin g hi s n a m e t o b e B a r o n Cimetiere. I can' t le t go . Electricit y ha s crucifie d m y h e a d t o thi s picture . O f t h e starin g angel s a n d t h e star s which bo w d o w n . A n d Mr . G h e d e . H e ' s smiling . T h e old m a n i s differen t t h a n t h e o t h e r d e a d . H e ha s s h a r p

•3 8• DON JUDSO N

little t e e t h wit h whic h t o bit e a n d t h e pai n o f cance r i s o n hi s inside . T h e n I k n o w h i m t o h a v e d o n e s o m e t h i n g terrible. A n d h e begin s t o speak . C o m e in , h e says . C o m e in , c o m e in , h e sings . C o m e in . Mr. Bone s i s waiting, h e shouts , wantin g t o rea d each one , th e stor y o f thei r doo m and cuf f thei r littl e ears an d rin g their littl e ears . E v e r y t h i n g fall s awa y fro m m e . W h e n I o p e n m y eye s I'v e b e e n tie d t o a chair . Mr . G h e d e sit s directl y i n fron t o f m e . A dol l i s o n hi s lap . H e explain s i t t o b e o u r sou l whic h he' s carrie d i n hi s angel h e a r t lik e a b r o k e n s t u m p c h a m b e r o f salvation . T h e n h e t o u c h e s it s waitin g eye s t o m i n e , m y hai r a n d my m o u t h . As Mr . Bones , h e explains , h e h a d n o fac e a t t h e s h o p p i n g mall . "They'll find t h e h e a d s u n k i n a b a g o f stones. " A n d Mr . G h e d e ha s i n d e e d b e c o m e beautiful . A blue ligh t s u r r o u n d s h i m . I t trembles . I ca n se e w o r d s fall o u t o f hi s m o u t h a s h e speak s t h e m . "A y o u n g m a n ' s h e a d i n a b a g o f stones. "

T h e r e a r e o n e h u n d r e d , m a y b e o n e t w e n t y — i t ' s diffi cult becaus e o f changes , h o w s o m e cell s the y d o u b l e u p ,

•3 9• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

s o m e not , b u t t h e r e a r e a b o u t t h a t m a n y o f u s i n secu rity lockdown . Mostl y o n r u l e infraction s o r investiga tion, t h e rest , o n e r e a s o n o r a n o t h e r , h a v e aske d fo r protective custody . So , m a y b e o n e twenty . I t i s a corri d o r o f tw o wings , bac k t o back , thirty-fiv e yard s long . Each cel l tw o a n d a hal f pace s across . T h r e e length wise. I n stack s a t t h e h e a d o f m y b u n k I hav e m a t c h e d t h r e e pai r o f u n d e r w e a r , tw o shirts , tw o p a n t s — t h e shirts a n d pants , b l u e — t h r e e towel s a n d o n e facecloth . T h i s i s ho w m y da y goes : a t fou r o'cloc k s o m e o n e throws shi t o n a m e d - t e c h a n d get s b a n g e d u p i n a strip cell . I listen . T h e n li e o n m y b u n k , e x h a u s t e d wit h hate. My fathe r w o u l d w a n t bloo d a n d t h e pai n o f re demption. H e , however , i s d e a d . It m a y b e i m p o r t a n t t o realiz e t h a t m y fathe r o n c e g a i n e d s o m e smal l s h a r e o f fam e i n a c o u n t r y b a n d singing o n stag e a b o u t d r i n k i n g m e n m a t c h i n g t h e i r lives t o t h e e m p t y day s o f a city . N o o n e believe s this , h e h a d a r e p u t a t i o n a s a minister-typ e o f sorts . B u t t h e r e you go , ever y w e e k e n d h e w o r e l o n g strin g tie s a n d white shirt s wit h r e d a n d gol d p h o e n i x e s ove r eac h pocket t o a clu b i n d o w n t o w n Bosto n o n a stree t clos e t o its C o m b a t Zone . D u r i n g s u m m e r afternoons , hookers , y o u n g girl s fro m O h i o a n d T e n n e s s e e woul d sto p i n fo r

• 4 0• DON JUDSO N

a d r i n k o r d a n c e befor e goin g t o work . T h e y giggle d a n d p a i r e d of f lik e sh y children . "Look a t t h e t e a r d r o p s , " m y fathe r san g t o t h e m , " r u n n i n g al l d o w n t h e streets. " H e wa s e i g h t e e n year s old . I d o n ' t know . Actually, h e n e v e r sang . H e wa s a minister . T h a t ' s ho w the y met . I t i s an o t h e r p a r t o f t h e c o u n t r y , o n e dr y wit h dust , a n d m y m o t h e r i s i n t h e a u d i e n c e . Sh e i s beautifu l t h e n . O r , sh e i s ugly . O r d e a d . And h e i s an undertaker . T h e y n e v e r m e e t a t a l l . . . save once . As fo r myself , I a m livin g i n prison . Sometimes, listenin g t o t h e day s swea t themselve s dry agains t t h e gre y s q u a r e plexiglas s skyligh t fiftee n feet awa y o u t i n t h e c o r r i d o r I i m a g i n e myself , whil e pulled int o thi s cell , waitin g o u t to o t h e sam e r a i n s t o r m in a b a r wit h vodk a toni c a n d c o u n t r y girl s a n d outla w music o n it s stage . Otherwise, afte r tw o fre e letter s fo r t h e wee k a n d a pack o f B u g l e r rolle d int o cigarette s I ' m o u t o f options . D u r i n g t h e m o r n i n g it' s quiet . T h e n s o m e o n e wil l start . Yo, whiteboy . O r nigger . A n y t h i n g a t all . O n t h e a f t e r n o o n Morri s Boyl e h a d first

bee n

b r o u g h t t o securit y lockdow n e v e r y o n e go t u p o n h i m

•4 1• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

fast, a s the y di d w h e n e v e r a n e w m a n c a m e d o w n . T h i s was a b o u t tw o o'clock . H e y baby , i t started . C o m e t o d a d d y . A n d t h e n the y w e r e al l u p o n t h e b a r s — W h a t i s it m a m m a o h w h i t e b r e a d w h i t e b r e a d , whistlin g s l u n g h i p a n d eyes , testing , a n d i t t u r n e d o u t h i m b e i n g sligh t a n d frail , m e a n i n g n o t h i n g , b u t als o i n protectiv e cus tody a n d h a v i n g aske d fo r i t himsel f hi s firs t da y d o w n . W h i c h i s w h a t h e tol d rea l quick . H o w tw o nigger s stol e his Reeboks . T h e n c a m e bac k late r a b o u t s o m

e

jewelry— W h y d i d n ' t yo u . . . , D a n ny S p e n c e r b e g a n . Boyle ask s h i m : W h a t ? Ge t stabbe d ove r s o m e watch, t h e r e wa s s o m e t h i n g I wa s s u p p o s e d t o d o — i t was al l completel y o u t o f control . T h e whol e w i n g b e g a n rocking . H e s e e m e d t o b e exactly w h a t the y w e r e waitin g for . T h a t n i g h t I h e a r d G r e g o r y Angels , w h o wa s i n t h e cell n e x t t o him , r u n n i n g t h e fact s d o w n t o Boyle . " M a n , you alread y le t yoursel f ge t r u n of f t h e c o m p o u n d . . . . E v e r y o n e get s tested . . . . A n d the y know , m y friend ; w h a t the y kno w i s yo u can' t liv e i n p.c . forever . S o o n e r o r late r yo u go t t o g o bac k t o p o p u l a t i o n , a n d w h e n yo u do, the y w a n t yo u t h i n k i n g y o u ' r e m o r e afrai d t h a n yo u really are . T h a t yo u go t t o h o o k u p wit h o n e o f t h e m . . . t h at yo u go t to , s o m i g h t a s wel l d o i t now . S o m e o n e to loo k ove r you , yo u k n o w w h a t I' m saying ?

•4 2• DON JUDSO N

"You wil l b e givin g t h e m cigarettes , yo u wil l b e giv ing t h e m m o n e y . Yo u wil l h a v e a d a d d y , a n d a n y t h i n g h e wants , belong s t o h i m . " It di d n o g o o d . T h e y gav e Boyl e a n a m e . Holly , becaus e h e wa s from Californi a a n d t o t h e m t h a t m e a n t Hollywood . " C o m e o n , Holly, " J u n e - B u g tol d h i m , "wh y yo u checked in ? C o m e o n o u t t o m y cell , yo u b e safe. " A n d t h e n C o u n t r y Coo l s o o t h e d , "Fuc k t h e m nig gers. Yo u m y friend , I ge t o u t t h e r e — n o o n e o n t h e c o m p o u n d g o n e mes s wi t you. " Always tryin g t o r u n t h a t s m o o t h shit . " W h a t yo u t h i n k y o u ' d d o i f I wa s i n y o u r cell, " Boyle asked , a n d the y love d it . T h e y al l l a u g h e d , sayin g they c o u l d n ' t tel l h i m , the y h a d t o sho w h i m . A n d ever y time h e wa s t a k e n t o s h o w e r o r sic k call , ever y time , t h e whole cel l bloc k go t o n t h e bar s talkin g t h a t shit . B u t C o u n t r y Coo l wa s different . H e wa s i n love . Fla t o u t i n love. H a d Boyl e cu t o u t a n d o w n e d , a n d talke d rea l soft , sweating i n t h e heat , a n d h e ' d m o a n , " O h Holly , w h a t they g o n e d o — w h a t the y d o n e wi t yo u now , baby? " Al l day l o n g h e r a n hi s g a m e , mostl y soft , s o m e t i m e s wit h t h a t rea l eas y t h r e a t yo u h e a r i n prison , a n d alway s m a k i n g Boyl e believ e t h a t h e kne w h i m b e t t e r t h a n h e himself did . " O h Holly , w h a t the y d o n e wi t you , baby? "

• 4 3• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

Boyle c o u l d n ' t tak e it . A wee k afte r c o m i n g d o w n h e was r e a d y t o sig n himsel f bac k o n t o t h e c o m p o u n d . T h e cops m a d e h i m fill o u t a f o r m sayin g h e n o l o n g e r fel t his lif e w o u l d b e i n d a n g e r , a n d t h e n u p g r a d e d hi s status t o administrativ e c o n f i n e m e n t a n d m o v e d h i m o u t o f hi s segregatio n cel l o v e r n i g h t whil e t h e p a p e r w o r k wa s processed . T h e y p u t h i m i n wit h Boo-Boo . W e all k n e w w h a t wa s c o m i n g , a n d waited . A n d o f cours e i t c a m e . I d o n ' t know . M y belief s m a y r u n c o u n t e r t o w h a t you a s s u m e . I enjoye d n o n e o f this . I t wasn' t al l t h a t l o n g befor e Boyl e wa s b r o u g h t bac k t o protectiv e cus tody fro m t h e hospital . T h i s t i m e the y m o v e d h i m int o t h e cel l n e x t d o o r . T w o cop s walke d h i m d o w n . M i n e i s t h e las t cel l o n t h e wing . E v e r y o n e h a d a n e v e n close r interest i n h i m now , a n d I d i d n ' t lik e t o se e it . H e m i g h t h a v e b e e n alrigh t i f h e ' d f o u g h t w h e n B o o - B o o trie d t o take h i m off , t h a t a l o n e coul d h a v e d o n e it . Sometimes , fighting o n c e wil l giv e a m a n t h e h e a r t h e needs . B u t h e h a d n ' t . B o o - B o o trie d t o forc e h i m — h e h a d a shaf t o f straight r a z o r b e d d e d i n a p e n a n d it s p o i n t wa s s h a r p e n e d , b u t i t wa s mostl y fo r slashing . B o o - B o o h a d stuc k Boyle o n c e o r twice , a n d t h e n , w h e n Boyl e fel l int o a ball s c r e a m i n g fo r t h e cops , h e ' d reall y g o n e t o work , c u t t i n g h i m acros s t h e fac e a n d a r m s . T h a t wa s h o w t h e

• 4 4• DON JUDSO N

g u a r d s f o u n d t h e m . Boyl e b l e e d i n g prett y g o o d a n d rolled int o a ball . . . . Boo-Boo , w h o i s n o t righ t i n t h e h e a d , m o r e confuse d t h a n a n y t h i n g else . At mail-cal l o n t h e s a m e da y the y b r o u g h t Morri s Boyl e back t o lockdow n t h e fa t g u a r d ask s wha t I would'v e d o n e , h e ha s tw o letter s fo r m e i n hi s h a n d — " L i s t e n , h e says, "i f y o u ' d f o u n d o u t a b o u t t h e contrac t befor e w e did . . . w h at t h e n ? Mayb e thin k a b o u t askin g fo r protec tive custody , h u h ? " H e hold s t h e letter s j u s t b e y o n d m y reach . " A n d w h a t a b o u t afte r leavin g h e r e , " h e asks . "I f i t follow s right along—anywher e you'r e transferre d . . . " Nickerson i s hi s n a m e . H e hold s m y letter s ches t high. H e want s m e t o loo k a t h i m . T h i s i s w h a t h e ' d lik e m e t o t h i n k a b o u t : ho w i t would b e a b o u t m o n e y , p e r i o d . . . i f I wa s i n p o p u l a t i o n t h e r e woul d b e n o o n e p e r s o n t o g o a f t e r — n o t h i n g I could d o t o m a k e e v e r y o n e stan d back . A n d ever y night , sleeping i n a n o p e n ba y d o r m — l e s s t h a n tw o fee t be tween ro w afte r ro w o f d o u b l e b u n k s , t h e b u n k s t h e m selves a n d clothe s h a n g i n g a n d strin g line s m a k i n g t h e whole d o r m a blin d spot . . . . "We can' t se e shit , m y friend, " h e tell s m e . " W h o woul d i t be, " h e asks . " S o o n e r o r late r . . . " Nickerson s h r u g s hi s shoulders .

•4 5• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

I believ e Nickerso n w h e n h e say s t h e r e i s littl e e n o u g h h o p e i n p r a y e r . I als o believe—fuc k h i m . Maybe becaus e o f w h a t Nickerso n say s Boyl e de cides t h a t h e a n d I a r e t h e same . Boyl e i s w r o n g . I t i s this wa y wit h Boyle : h e coul d hav e fought . Boyle i s j u st s h o w i n g himsel f weak . O n e night , a b o u t ten-twelv e day s afte r that , Boyl e m u s t hav e h e a r d m e pacing . T h e res t o f J-Bloc k wa s silent. I t wa s t h r e e o'cloc k int o t h e m o r n i n g . "Ain' t thi s s o m e t h i n g , " h e asked , a n d t h e voic e startle d m e . Be tween t h e s h a r e d wal l o f t h e tw o cell s a n d t h e grill e gate , in a spac e o f severa l inches , I sa w Boyl e watchin g m e . His h a n d s w e r e hel d o u t fro m hi s sides , palm s u p , a n d h e looke d al l a r o u n d himself . "Ain' t it, " Boyl e r e p e a t e d as i f h e s h o u l d b e c o n c e d e d a certai n disbelie f a t findin g himself i n protectiv e custody . T h i s i s w h a t h e w a n t e d . Justification. A n d t o for m a n alliance . "Ain't thi s reall y s o m e t h i n g , " h e asked . I w o u l d n ' t help . I won' t b e o n e o f thos e circlin g lik e a d o g smellin g blood . B u t I w o u l d n ' t help . "I d o n ' t know, " I tol d Boyle . " I d o n ' t kno w a b o u t al l t h a t shit. " Yet I ' m h a p p y e n o u g h t o h a v e Boyl e t o tal k with . O n t h e c o m p o u n d I' d h a d books , mostl y o n history , a n d so eac h n i g h t afte r i t get s quie t I begi n t o tal k a n d fo r t h e mos t p a r t h e i s willin g t o liste n a n d pick s u p o n

• 4 6• DON JUDSO N

ideas. S o m e t i m e s h e r u i n s i t b y n o t followin g a n d t h e n saying s o m e t h i n g stupid . B u t o t h e r night s h e seem s t o d r i n k i t i n a n d eve n point s o u t thi s o r t h a t inconsistency . W h i c h I d o n ' t m i n d . Enjo y i n fact . O n l y t h e n h e forgets . T r y i n g t o b e clever , h e want s t o m a k e i t s o m e t h i n g else . " H o m e b o y lay s i t o u t lik e n u m b e r s . . . " h e says , " b u t it' s you. I ca n smel l it . I ca n h e a r you g o i n g col d r i g h t t h r o u g h thes e walls. " T h a t m a k e s m e a n g r y a n d I ge t rea l quiet . Becaus e h e s h o u l d u n d e r s t a n d . Already . I t i s thi s thi s t h i s — n o t h o m e b o y , n o t knowing , n o t an y shi t whic h m i g h t expec t s o m e t h i n g later . W h o t h e fuc k i s Boyl e anyway , h e s h o u l d b e gla d I spea k t o h i m a t all . So I ge t rea l quiet . T o r e m i n d Boyle , b u t thi s tim e i t d o e s n ' t faz e h i m a t all . "Check thi s o u t , " h e tell s m e , " I wa s u p t h e P a n h a n dle. A smal l tow n o u t a l o n g t h e b e a c h . . . t he ocea n a n d everything. A t n i g h t al l t h e tim e fee l a s i f yo u coul d expect s o m e t h i n g . I' d b e e n . . . see , t h e r e w e r e a lo t o f well-off w o m e n . Divorced . W i d o w e d w o m e n ; fortie s a n d so, a n d the y hi t t h e clubs . S o o n e r o r late r I t h o u g h t I' d h o o k u p wit h o n e , hi t s o m e t h i n g big . I lik e t h e club s too. So , I' m out . I ' m a t a tabl e a n d thi s w o m a n come s over. J u s t lik e that . D o n ' t eve n loo k a t a n y o n e else . Sit s d o w n a n d want s t o k n o w i f I go t s o m e coke . A n d I kno w this w o m a n . I k n o w . . . yo u u n d e r s t a n d ? Her. 'Yo u a

•4 7BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

cop,' I ask . W h i c h o f cours e sh e isn't . T h e w o m a n i s j u st n e r v o u s . I t h i n k thi s i s n o t h e r thing . A n y o f i t — t h e d o p e , t h e b a r scene ? B u t she' s m a d e u p h e r m i n d . . . a b o u t this , decided . So , I as k i f she' s a c o p a n d t h e n bus t u p . Relaxin g e v e r y t h i n g a bi t . . . I am g o i n g t o ge t t h e d o p e , right ? Only , sh e want s b o t h o f u s t o g o — c o m e right a l o n g wit h m e . Okay , eve n better . O f cours e w e e n d u p a t h e r h o u s e , a c o n d o . I'v e n e v e r see n a n y t h i n g like it . T h e w o m a n o w n s — c h e c k thi s out , sh e live s o n t h e e n t i r e t o p floor . T h e r e i s a j u n g le outsid e h e r livin g r o o m . A r e g u l a r j u n g l e , okay ? T h e tree s a n d all . Fort y stories u p . H e r e n t i r e livin g r o o m , windows . W h e n I go t o u t o f t h e ca r i t wa s j u st m o r n i n g . ' U p t h e r e , ' sh e said , pointing, a n d I go t o u t o f t h e ca r a n d r i g h t i n fron t o f m e wa s t h e whol e package . I tol d myself , I said , 'thi s i s it b r o t h e r . . . . ' "Anyway, w h e n w e ge t upstair s I h a d t h e shake s a little. B e e n u p m o s t al l t h e week . B u t I fix u s a rea l g o o d shot o f cok e t o c u r e al l that . W h a m . N o w I wa s feelin g g o o d again , t h i n k i n g m y luc k i s c h a n g i n g — t h e w o m a n , she ain' t b a d , look s lik e sh e m i g h t b e p r e t t y g o o d i n b e d — I ' m d i g g i n g o n t h e a p a r t m e n t , o u t o n t h e bal cony, yo u know ? T h i n k i n g thi s i s al l o f i t a n d I t u r n a r o u n d a n d t h e lad y i s d e a d . She' s o n t h e couch , d e a d . At first I

think , 'wha t t h e fuck. ' T h i s i s n o t right . W h a t

a m I s u p p o s e d t o do ? So , I fix a n o t h e r shot . B u t I can' t

• 4 8• DON JUDSO N

get h i g h wit h t h e lad y lyin g t h e r e , s o I pic k h e r u p int o t h e b e d r o o m . Pul l d o w n t h e covers , p u t h e r in , g o bac k to t h e d o p e . It' s m o r n i n g . O u t t h e windo w i s s u n s h i n e a n d t h e p a l m tree s a n d al l t h e m p e o p l e — a n d I kno w w h a t e v e r i t i s I gott a d o I can' t d o i t o u t t h e r e . N o t righ t t h e n . W h a t I e n d u p , I find a

V C R a n d I watc h it . I

must've w a t c h e d twenty-fou r h o u r s straight . Stead y fixing shots . Afte r a while , t h e coke ? Yo u m i g h t a s well , you reall y can' t m o v e a t al l s o I j u s t k e e p watching . T h i n g s d o ge t crazy . Finally , I begi n t o believ e I a m d y i n g — I m e a n , I wa s scared , I t h o u g h t t o myself , 'o h L o r d , w h a t i s this? ' M y nerve s lik e y a n k e d g o d d a m n light cords . O u t s i d e , al l t h e nois e firing t h r o u g h tele p h o n e pole s a n d wire s unti l t h e ocea n a n d t h e beac h a n d e v e r y t h i n g o u t t h e r e t u r n e d t o glass . ' M a n o h m a n , ' I t h o u g h t , 's o thi s i s it . T h i s i s w h a t it' s al l about. ' A n d l a u g h e d . B u t / wasn' t h a v i n g an y o f it . S o I g o t o t h e windows wit h t a p e a n d towel s a n d fac e cloths . P u t t h e m , stuff t h e m al l a l o n g t h e windowsill s tryin g t o catc h ev e r y t h i n g a n d m a k e i t stop . I g o int o t h e b e d r o o m , a n d I've forgotte n a b o u t t h e lady . . . . 'Holy shit, ' I say . 'Jesu s Christ.' So , thing s a r e b a d e n o u g h . B u t t h e n the y ge t worse becaus e abov e t h e bed , o n t h e wall , i n h e r m i r r o r , I se e m e . I a m lookin g int o m y o w n eye s a t rea l ba d d r e a m s . M y b o n e s p u s h i n g m e int o s o m e o n e else . A n d h e r e come s t h e future . M e lookin g a t m e . Le t i t rol l

• 4 9• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

is w h a t / say . Le t i t roll . . . . T h a t ' s t h e onl y histor y a person needs. "

T h e n i g h t i t h a p p e n s hi s voic e i s t h e firs t I h e a r al t h o u g h s o m e b o d y m u s t alread y hav e b e e n s h o u t i n g fo r h i m t o s h u t i t d o w n . B u t h e won' t stop . H e i s sla p b u g g i n g u p . B y t h e tim e I c o m e o u t o f m y b u n k , roll s o f toilet p a p e r a r e b e i n g li t a n d t h r o w n int o t h e corridors . " M o t h e r f u c k e r , " s o m e o n e i s swearing . T h e whol e win g has c o m e awake . Boyl e i s s c r e a m i n g ove r a n d again . H e has balle d u p hi s clothe s a n d sheet s a n d se t t h e m o n fire. D o w n t h e hal l s o m e o n e holler s "roc k t h e wing, " a n d r i g h t d o w n t h r o u g h t h e stee l fram e b u n k s t h e shak ing begins . T h e y bea t t h e walls , t h e bars , t h e floor. I n t h e t w o - m a n cell s I kno w the y c r o u c h i n d a r k corners , watching, whil e the y p r e t e n d n o t to * eac h o t h e r , yellin g as i f t o g e t h e r — " D i e m o t h e r f u c k e r , " s c r e a m e d a t Boyle , yet thei r eye s o n t h e o t h e r m a n i n t h e cel l wit h t h e m . I see Boyle' s s h a d o w i m m e n s e o n t h e wall . T h e n t h e g u a r d s c o m e a n d pul l h i m fro m t h e bars . I ca n h e a r t h e m b e a t i n g h i m . I t goe s o n fo r a fe w m i n u t e s a n d t h e n i t stop s a n d the y leave . I li e o n m y b u n k unti l t h e wing agai n b e c o m e s settled . T h e light s ar e t u r n e d d o w n t h e n a n d I ca n h e a r t h e g u a r d s outsid e thei r offic e a n d soon a d o o r close s a n d t h e r e i s n o t h i n g . Afte r a whil e I

•5 0• DON JUDSO N

go a n d loo k int o Boyle' s cell . H e ' s sittin g agains t t h e fa r wall, o n e a r m t h r o w n u p o n t h e grill e gate , hi s h e a d resting o n t h e a r m . "Wea k bitch, " I say , "the y goin g t o b r e a k yo u d o w n . " A n d fo r o n e m o m e n t w h e n Boyl e looks u p I ' m u n s u r e w h e t h e r I ' m accusin g mysel f o r him. T h e ai r r e m a i n s bitte r wit h smoke . Ever y no w a n d t h e n s o m e o n e d o w n t h e lin e coughs . T h e r e a r e smal l m u r m u r i n g s . Befor e m e I se e mysel f c r o u c h e d lik e a waiting a n i m a l wit h t h e stin k o f fea r o n it . "Le t i t roll, " Boyle smile s u p . "Le t i t roll. " W e star e a t o n e a n o t h e r . A n d t h e n I t u r n , a n d wal k away .

Late; that' s w h a t I think . A t firs t I d o n ' t kno w what' s a w a k e n e d m e . T h e n I s e p a r a t e a s o u n d , a smal l b r u s h ing o f ai r followe d b y t h r e e o r fou r tap s a s i f a signal . Very soft . G o i n g t o t h e bars , I' m lookin g int o hi s cel l a t h i m — d i r e c t l y int o hi s face , eac h tim e i t i s swingin g a b r u p t l y towar d m e — p e r h a p s lookin g a t h i m fo r thirt y seconds befor e I u n d e r s t a n d w h a t I' m seeing . Hi s shir t has b e e n s h r e d d e d a n d b r a i d e d int o a r o p e o n e e n d o f which i s tie d t o t h e t o p cross-sectio n o f t h e bars , a n d t h e o t h e r k n o t t e d a t hi s neck . A s hi s bod y twists , hi s fee t b r u s h agains t t h e grille . A n d I ' m lookin g int o Mr . Bones's face .

•5 1• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

Backed int o a c o r n e r , c r o u c h i n g b y t h e toilet , I whis per, " W h a t the y d o n e , w h a t the y d o n e wit h yo u now? " "A skul l i n a b a g o f stones, " h e replies . A n d i n t h a t m o m e n t I h a v e a visio n o f thes e wall s like a shoc k o f stric t flames—and I

see , I k n o w w h a t I

would tel l m y m o m . I w o u l d tel l h e r , "Leav e t h e d o o r u n l o c k e d . . . leav e t h e chai n u n d o n e a t n i g h t a n d eac h tightly d r a w n s h a d e o p e n becaus e I ' m c o m i n g h o m e . " T h a t ' s w h a t I' d say .

PROPOSITION

I

was s t a n d i n g a r o u n d i n fron t o f a j ob I' d j u s t b e e n fired fro m w h e n tw o friend s o f m i n e c a m e along .

T h e y w e r e i n a b r a n d n e w car . " J u m p in, " the y said . W e d r o v e t h r o u g h t h e p a r k watchin g girl s fro m t h e college s u n themselve s o n littl e blanket s fo r a while , a n d t h e n w e n t d o w n a n e n t r a n c e r a m p b y t h e rive r w h e r e we r a n o u t o f gas . "Shit," t h e drive r swore . H e go t o u t a n d p u n c h e d o n e o f t h e windows . " T h i s kin d o f c r a p alway s h a p p e n s , " h e explained . It a p p e a r e d a s i f b o t h o f t h e m m i g h t begi n t o cry , a n d to j o i n i n t h e sadnes s I b r o u g h t u p ho w I wa s newl y u n e m p l o y e d j u s t t h a t m o r n i n g . B u t I coul d n o t wor k myself t o w a r d a n y kin d o f t r u e grief , a n d besides , nei t h e r o f t h e m s e e m e d t o k n o w F d eve r h a d a j ob t o begi n with. I n fact , I c o u l d n ' t b e s u r e the y r e m e m b e r e d w h o I was i n t h e least . Myself, o n e tim e I' d b e e n lef t a t a part y fro m whic h 55

•5 6• DON JUDSO N

a perso n disappeared . T h e peopl e who' d brough t m e h a d gotte n i n severa l fights a n d decide d t o leave , b u t I stayed o n g o i n g fro m h o u s e t o h o u s e — i t wa s a neigh b o r h o o d part y i n a n a r e a w h e r e forty-foo t boat s w e r e d o c k e d i n slip s of f bac k l a w n s — a n d I w e n t alon g look i n g fo r s o m e t h i n g t o stea l a n d lockin g mysel f int o o n e b a t h r o o m afte r a n o t h e r s h o o t i n g u p a n d p u k i n g unti l I was bac k a t t h e particula r plac e fro m whic h o n e o f t h e o w n e r s h a d t u r n e d u p missing . E v e r y o n e wa s w o r r i e d because thi s o w n e r wa s i n a wheelchai r a n d the y figured h e ' d w a n d e r e d of f d r u n k . Seein g a chance , I p r e t e n d e d , a l o n g wit h a w o m a n wit h w h o m I' d b e e n i n love , o n a n d off, fo r a t leas t fou r m o n t h s , t o f o r m a searc h party . " H e coul d d r o w n , " w e claimed , p o i n t i n g t o t h e beach. B u t sh e a n d I e n d e d u p i n t h e l o u n g e o f a motel . A s usual I wa s r u n n i n g m y h a n d u p a n d d o w n t h e smal l o f h e r back . W e h a d b e e n d o i n g t h a t w h e n e v e r w e go t alone, t o u c h i n g a n d m a k i n g smal l noises . " O o h , " I tol d h e r . Inside t h e l o u n g e , s o m e o n e calle d m y n a m e . I t wa s a c o u p l e sittin g righ t u p a t t h e bar . "Hey, hol y shit, " the y said . I stoo d t h e r e g r i n n i n g wit h n o ide a w h o the y were . My d a t e m o v e d a r o u n d impatientl y waitin g t o b e intro -

•5 7• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

d u c e d . Sh e h a d r a v e n h a i r a n d ski n lik e fine te a por celain. " S o m e o n e ' s d i s a p p e a r e d , " I tol d t h e strangers , b u t they i g n o r e d thi s a n d claspe d m e t o t h e m , shakin g t h e i r h e a d s i n disbelief . T h e w o m a n studie d m e wit h w a r m a n d c o m p a s s i o n a t e eye s a n d r e p e a t e d m y n a m e twic e a n d smile d a t h e r h u s b a n d w h o wa s smilin g a t m e . "I hav e n o ide a w h o yo u p e o p l e are, " I tol d t h e m . It wa s a strateg y I' d d e c i d e d o n t h e las t tim e I' d b e e n i n a conversatio n wit h a p e r s o n I di d n o t recal l a n d h a d s p e n t a n e n t i r e e v e n i n g sayin g g e n e r a l a n d festiv e things t o h e r whil e insid e m e a pani c gre w t h a t a t an y m o m e n t I woul d b e foun d ou t a s a n impostor . I ha d no t b e e n abl e t o sto p talking . Finally , i n d e s p e r a t i o n , I' d go t h e r int o a c o r n e r wit h o u r t o n g u e s i n eac h other' s m o u t h s w h e n I r e m e m b e r e d w h o sh e was . " B e t h , " I said . "Beth? " It wa s ridiculous . Sh e h a d o n c e b e e n t h e bab y siste r of a f o r m e r friend . Sh e wa s p u r e . A child . I r e m e m b e r e d ponytails , cut s o n h e r littl e knees . W h o coul d guess t h a t suc h a gir l m i g h t gro w int o a p e r s o n g r o p i n g in t h e c o r n e r o f a sa d b a r wit h s o m e o n e lik e me ? "You're to o g o o d fo r this, " I h a d sobbe d int o h e r neck. B u t i t wa s to o late . So I' d tol d t h e ne w s t r a n g e r s righ t u p front .

•5 8• DON JUDSO N

" I ' m sorry, " I said . At firs t the y w e r e l a u g h i n g . " T h e B e n t Spoke , i n Escoheag, " the y tol d m e . " T o m b o . W e ' d al l driv e a r o u n d i n hi s r e d van . Yo u w e r e wit h Betsy. " It wa s t r u e , I r e m e m b e r e d t h e B e n t S p o k e fro m w h e n I' d w o r k e d d o w n i n t h a t area , b u t I h a d n o idea s c o n c e r n i n g t h e m o r t h e p e o p l e they' d m e n t i o n e d . " T w o o r t h r e e night s a week, " t h e w o m a n said , in c r e d u l o u s . " J e n n y Shacked . Clifton . S t u a r t — a l l o f us. " I h a d n o r e a s o n t o d o u b t h e r , onl y m y m e m o r y could n o t wal k m e pas t t h e fron t d o o r o f t h e B e n t S p o k e a n d t h e n bac k o u t agai n late r int o t h e clea r d a r k s u m m e r ai r s p r a y e d wit h light , perfec t t h a t fa r fro m t h e city, a n d t h e n i n t h e p a r k i n g lo t clim b m e int o a r e d va n w h e r e I' d a p p a r e n t l y h a d a n e n t i r e a n d detaile d histor y with thi s p e r s o n a n d t h a t a n d that . "I wa s d r i n k i n g a lo t i n thos e days, " I apologized . Yet i t di d n o g o o d . T h e w o m a n b e g a n t o loo k a t m e a n d m y d a t e suspiciously ; I coul d tel l e v e r y t h i n g h a d g o n e ove r i n t o t h e a r e a o f a n g e r . " T h e las t tim e yo u w e r e ove r o u r h o u s e , " sh e offered , "yo u r i p p e d a radia t o r r i g h t o u t o f t h e floor i n t h e b a t h r o o m . " I wa s alread y backin g away . " W h o i s t h a t y o u ' r e wit h anyway, " t h e h u s b a n d called afte r us , " s o m e o n e else' s wife? "

•5 9• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

W h i c h h a d b e e n t r u e e n o u g h . H e r n a m e wa s J u d y a n d I' d i m a g i n e d sh e w o u l d leav e h e r h u s b a n d a n d t h a t I w a n t e d h e r to , t h o u g h i n fac t I onl y sa w h e r o n c e o r twic e agai n befor e sh e m o v e d t o Chicag o wit h h i m a n d h a d s o m e t h i n g terribl e h a p p e n t o h e r whic h was writte n a b o u t i n al l t h e n e w s p a p e r s . A t first I

acte d

as t h o u g h I f o u n d i t ver y f u n n y s o m e t h i n g h a d be fallen h e r becaus e I wa s m a d t h a t sh e h a d calle d m e ridiculous o n t h e las t n i g h t w e w e r e t o g e t h e r . Later , I was sorry . "I love d h e r to o m u c h " i s w h a t I e x p l a i n e d t o h e r friends w h e n e v e r I sa w t h e m . "You barel y kne w h e r , " i s w h a t they' d answer . "Sh e only b o u g h t d r u g s fro m you. " Ye t I' d b e e n wit h n o o n e since, a n d s o drivin g b y t h e colleg e girl s s e e m e d almos t like ol d times . "Let's g o bac k o n c e m o r e , " I h a d suggeste d t o m y friends. I t wa s t h e n t h a t w e r a n o u t o f ga s o n t h e e d g e of t h e cit y i n a n e i g h b o r h o o d they' d b e g u n t o revitalize . A l t h o u g h i t wa s stil l k n o w n a s G e r m a n t o w n , i t h a d b e e n d o n e ove r t o loo k lik e a C a p e C o d village . T h e r e wa s a b o a r d w a l k fo r al l t h e store s a n d a r e t i r e m e n t h o m e which h a d a gian t windmil l i n it s p a r k i n g lot . B u t gar b a g e scow s c a m e d o w n t h e rive r ever y m o r n i n g w i t h o u t exception spillin g d e a d fish a n d squid , a n d se a gull s w h e e l e d viciousl y s c r e a m i n g a t an y o f t h e ol d p e o p l e

•6 0• DON JUDSO N

w h o d a r e d sho w themselves . T h e whol e are a h a d be come deserted . "Ain't thi s s o m e shit, " I sai d t o t h e passenger , w h o was s t r e e t n a m e d St . J o h n a n d w h o ' d r e m a i n e d insid e t h e ca r wit h m e . H e d i d n ' t answe r b u t go t o u t a n d climbed i n t h e bac k sea t a n d fumble d a r o u n d fo r a m i n u t e a n d t h e n l e a n e d ove r s h o w i n g m e a g u n hel d i n fingers n e a r a s full y w e b b e d a s a duck's . I t wa s fro m a b i r t h p r o b l e m whic h als o cause d h i m t o h a v e n o nos e t o speak o f a n d h a d o n c e le d t o h i m b e i n g n i c k n a m e d Fish Boy. T h a t wa s w h e n h e firs t c a m e a r o u n d . N o w h e wa s completely covere d i n tattoo s i n t h e for m o f religiou s memorabilia. "We were, " h e p o i n t e d out , " p l a n n i n g o n m a k i n g s o m e move s today. " At firs t I wasn' t s u r e w h a t h e m e a n t . T h i s al l too k place i n J u ly i n 197 6 j u st befor e e v e r y t h i n g go t rea l b a d , a n d p e o p l e w e r e alread y b e i n g sho t ever y day . " W h o a , " I tol d him , tryin g t o r e m e m b e r a poo l d e b t o r s o m e t h i n g similar b e t w e e n us ; onl y i t wasn' t t h a t a t all , b u t instea d t u r n e d o u t t o b e a p l a n the y w a n t e d m e i n o n t o ge t back s o m e m o n e y o f their s whic h h a d b e e n r i p p e d off . "We w e r e s u p p o s e d t o bu y a p o u n d , " St . J o h n ex plained. " T h e r e w e r e tw o guys , o n e staye d i n t h e ca r a n d t h e o t h e r tol d u s w e coul d b e r i g h t t h e r e waitin g i n fron t o f

•6 1• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

t h e a p a r t m e n t b u i l d i n g w h e r e we' d g o n e t o ge t t h e d o p e . . . said, 'I'l l b e bac k i n te n m i n u t e s . ' . . . H ow i t go t told , t h e p e r s o n h o l d i n g thi s p o u n d wa s s u p p o s e d n o t t o lik e a n y o n e h e d i d n ' t personall y kno w i n t h e a p a r t m e n t , okay? G u y said , ' T e n m i n u t e s tops ; I ' m d o i n g thi s a s a favor i s all. ' " A n d w h a t h e di d was , i n t h e fron t d o o r , a n d o u t t h e back. " It o c c u r r e d t o m e t h e n wh y n o b o d y eve r h a d m u c h to d o wit h St . J o h n, ho w t h e wa y t h a t they' d b e e n r i p p e d off wa s almos t s o stupi d a s t o m a k e t h e m deserv e it . . . . Yet I wa s a n g r y a b o u t b e i n g c a u g h t h i g h a n d le t g o fro m work o n c e agai n a n d h a p p y e n o u g h b e i n g include d i n anyone's plan s fo r t h e day . W e d i d n ' t sa y a n y t h i n g fo r a m i n u t e , watchin g t h e seagull s instead . T h e drive r h a d g o n e d o w n t o t h e river' s e d g e a n d wa s t h r o w i n g rock s at t h e m . "So," St . J o hn finally asked , "yo u in ; o r out? "

It wasn' t unti l w e w e r e al l t h e wa y int o a differen t n e i g h b o r h o o d t h a t I r e m e m b e r e d t h e b r a n d ne w ca r w e h a d a b a n d o n e d u n l o c k e d b y t h e river . " O h that, " t h e drive r said , "w e d o n ' t kno w w h o t h a t belongs to. " St. J o h n s t o p p e d u s acros s fro m a t e n e m e n t whic h

•6 2• DON JUDSO N

was reall y a hotel . " H e r e w e are, " h e said . I looke d a r o u n d . I t wa s a plac e lik e an y o t h e r . T h e building' s sign wa s mostl y falle n in . Abov e i t t h e r e wer e a n u m b e r of window s a n d t h e n t h e sk y whic h s e e m e d t o t u r n a n d t u r n . " W h y i s e v e r y t h i n g turquoise, " I asked . Severa l o f t h e adjacen t p r o p e r t i e s h a d b e e n p a i n t e d t h a t color . "You k e e p t h e g u n , " St . J o h n sai d t o m e , "you r e x p e r i e n c e wil l spel l t h e difference . " I ' m g o i n g t o wai t o u t h e r e , " h e said , "t o w a r n yo u o r i n cas e an y o f t h e m s h o u l d escape. " " H o w m a n y a r e t h e r e goin g t o be, " I cried , a l a r m e d , "I t h o u g h t t h e r e w e r e onl y two. " " T h e r e are , t h e r e are, " h e said . T h e drive r a n d I walke d int o t h e lobb y o f t h e hotel . A n ol d w o m a n wa s aslee p b e h i n d t h e c o u n t e r a n d sev eral wino s w e r e restin g i n chair s w h e r e t h e s u n p a t c h e d t h r o u g h t h e filthy fron t window . A p a r r o t h u n g i n a cage besid e t h e windo w a n d I c o u l d n ' t tel l i f i t w e r e a stuffed o n e o r not . T h e r e a p p e a r e d t o b e cigarett e b u r n s i n severa l place s o n it s fu r a n d t h o u g h eithe r i t o r t h e ol d w o m a n h a d m a d e a nois e o f s o m e sor t w h e n w e first e n t e r e d n o o n e n o w m o v e d o r gav e an y sig n the y h a d d o n e s o i n quit e s o m e while . Al l i n al l i t s e e m e d a p o o r choic e o f place s i n whic h t o r o b s o m e o n e a n d I told t h e drive r s o eve n a s w e c r e p t pas t t h e fron t des k a n d u p t o t h e t h i r d stor y l a n d i n g w h e r e w e stoo d o n e

•6 3• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

o n eac h sid e o f a d o o r lik e the y d o i n t h e movies . I h a d the gu n out . " H i t it, " I tol d t h e driver . " H i t it? " "You know , t h e d o o r . " " T h a t won' t work, " h e said , "wh y can' t I j u st knock? " "Okay," I c o n c e d e d , e m b a r r a s s e d a n d d i s a p p o i n t e d . W h e n t h e d o o r o p e n e d w e r u s h e d i n i n a flurry . I was p o i n t i n g t h e g u n e v e r y w h e r e . " N o t a t m e , " t h e driver w a r n e d . H e ' d p u s h e d t h e m a n w h o a n s w e r e d t h e d o o r d o w n o n t h e c a r p e t i n g . A secon d m a n , dresse d i n pajamas, sa t b y a c o u c h n e a r o n e o f t h e windows . H e was rollin g a j o i n t . "Don't, " thi s m a n said . "Jus t . . . please, d o n ' t . " "Motherfuckers," I tol d t h e m . T h e drive r go t u p g r i n n i n g h o l d i n g t h e first m a n . "How's i t feel, " t h e drive r aske d lookin g fro m t h e o n e h e hel d t o t h e o t h e r . T h e y a p p e a r e d puzzled . " R e n o Park," h e r e m i n d e d t h e m , "las t M a r c h — y o u di d t h e a p a r t m e n t sca m o n us. " T h e m a n i n t h e pajama s ver y carefull y se t t h e j o i n t h e wa s rollin g i n a n ashtra y o n t h e a r m o f hi s chair . "Check thi s o u t , " h e said . "Loo k a t us , okay ? Really , really, look. " H e hel d hi s h a n d s u p i n a g e s t u r e o f resig n a t i o n . " I d o n ' t k n o w w h o yo u t h i n k w e are , b u t w e a r e n ' t . . . . A nd w e d o n ' t kno w yo u a t all. "

•6 4• DON JUDSO N

N o w i t wa s t h e driver' s t u r n t o a p p e a r puzzled . H e studied thei r faces . I coul d tel l thing s w e r e b e g i n n i n g t o go w r o n g . "Shit o n that, " I w h i s p e r e d t o h i m a n d t h e n pulle d t h e m a n h e ' d b e e n h o l d i n g t o stan d i n fron t o f m e . I showed th e gu n a r o u n d t o hi m som e more . "Wha t d o you think, " I aske d thi s m a n . " O h G o d , " h e said . "Because that' s w h a t I w a n t t o know. " " O h G o d , " h e said . "You r i p p e d u s t h e fuc k off, " I tol d h i m forgettin g I h a d n o t b e e n t h e r e t o begi n wit h fo r o n e t h i n g , n o r wa s it m y m o n e y fo r t h e o t h e r . B u t n o b o d y notice d a n d i t d i d n ' t see m the y coul d sa y a n y t h i n g a t al l anyway . I i m a g i n e d t h a t m a y b e I s h o u l d m a k e t h e victim s g o i n t h e bac k r o o m o r a t leas t ti e t h e m u p , b u t i t b e i n g m y first r o b b e r y I wa s u n s u r e . Afte r a m i n u t e , I decide d t o b r e a k s o m e t h i n g . T h e r e wa s a glass-to p tabl e i n fron t m e a n d a s I r e a c h e d d o w n t o smas h a t o n e c o r n e r o f i t with t h e g u n I swor e agai n a n d t h e n t h e glas s cracke d a n d t h e g u n w e n t of f a t t h e s a m e m o m e n t t h e m a n i n t h e pajama s sa t bac k h a r d agains t hi s chair . " O h shit, " h e w h i m p e r e d . "Gerry . T h e y sho t m e . " B o t h o f t h e m b e g a n t o sob . W h e n I looke d ove r t h e drive r h a d tear s i n hi s eye s as well .

•6 5• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

" D a m n , " I swore . I w e n t t o t h e window . St . J o h n was starin g t o w a r d w h e r e I stoo d a n d w e wave d t o eac h o t h e r a n d h e crosse d t h e stree t a n d I coul d se e h i m c o m e a l o n g pas t t h e step s t o e n t e r t h e lobb y a n d a m i n u t e late r h e wa s k n o c k i n g a t t h e d o o r . " T h a t ' s n o t necessary, " I calle d o u t . H e c a m e i n a n d smile d a t everyone . "What's g o i n g o n , " h e asked . "I sho t o n e o f t h e victims . "By mistake, " I a d d e d , n o d d i n g t o t h e m a n w h o sat h o l d i n g himsel f a t t h e s h o u l d e r . H e a n d St . J o h n c o n s i d e r e d eac h o t h e r fo r a m o m e n t a n d t h e n St . J o h n took t h e g u n , b u t t h e r e h a d onl y b e e n o n e bulle t t o begin wit h s o h e gav e i t bac k a n d t h e n w e n t int o t h e kitchen a n d r e t u r n e d wit h a knif e a n d b e g a n t o sta b a t t h e injure d m a n . F o r t h e m o s t p a r t h e missed . "Stop it, " t h e m a n tol d h i m . Finally, St . J o h n cu t a t t h e m a n ' s pajama s severa l times a n d stabbe d h i m i n t h e s a m e s h o u l d e r I' d alread y shot, b u t t h e knif e stuc k t h e r e a n d b r o k e off . "I s thi s t h e onl y o n e yo u have, " St . J o h n wailed , completel y exasperated an d holdin g u p wha t remaine d o f th e blade. H e h a d b e g u n t o t r e m b l e a n d t u r n e d wildl y fro m o n e c o r n e r o f t h e nearl y e m p t y a p a r t m e n t t o a n o t h e r until h e finall y f o u n d a l a m p wit h whic h t o hi t t h e m a n . " H e l p m e , " h e calle d t o us , b u t t h e drive r alread y stoo d

•6 6• DON JUDSO N

partway o u t t h e d o o r , r e a d y t o r u n , a n d I wa s r i g h t b e h i n d h i m . " I wis h I' d staye d a t m y lous y j o b ," I m u t t e r e d , a n g r y a n d frustrate d b y t h e wa y hi s p l a n h a d t u r n e d out . "Just o n e m i n u t e , " St . J o h n b e g g e d us . H e ' d over t u r n e d t h e chai r a n d g o t t e n t h e sho t a n d stabbe d m a n to li e fac e d o w n w h e r e h e coul d wor k t h e l a m p cor d a r o u n d hi s t h r o a t . "Onl y j u s t h o l d h i m a second . H e ' s almost d e a d . " B u t a n y o n e coul d se e t h a t i t wa s n e v e r g o i n g t o work. Wit h hi s c r i p p l e d finger s a n d t h e bloo d whic h h a d gotten e v e r y w h e r e , St . J o hn coul d n o t ge t t h e r i g h t hol d o n t h e cord . I t k e p t slippin g loose . " T h e y a r e t h e w r o n g p e o p l e anyway, " t h e drive r w a r n e d h i m . " I d o n ' t t h i n k a n y o n e eve n live s i n thi s apartment." "I know , a n d that' s wh y w e can' t leav e t h e m t o tes tify," St . J o hn insisted . By t h a t time , o u t t h e windo w t h e r e wa s a sire n a n d while i t coul d h a v e b e e n fo r mos t a n y t h i n g t h e r e s e e m e d t o b e s o m e c o m m o t i o n fro m t h e firs t floor hall way, a n d t h e n I t h o u g h t I h e a r d s o m e o n e c o m i n g u p t h e fron t stair s a n d s o g r a b b e d t h e drive r b y t h e a r m a n d h e a d e d u s t o w a r d t h e e m e r g e n c y exit . "Do yo u t h i n k he' s r i g h t a b o u t t h e witnesses, " t h e driver w o r r i e d , u n s u r e o f w h a t t o do .

-6 7• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

" N o o n e wa s d y i n g i n t h e first place, " I r e a s o n e d with h i m . " A n d besid e that , I d o n ' t care. "

Several year s late r I sa w St . J o h n i n a count y facilit y w h e r e I wa s awaitin g tria l t h o u g h i t h a d n o t h i n g t o d o with t h e crime s o f t h a t particula r a f t e r n o o n . A t t h a t time St . J o h n wa s tryin g t o ge t int o a medica l p r o g r a m with t h e psychiatrist s a t t h e jai l a n d s o eac h a f t e r n o o n outside o f t h e dispensar y w o u l d stri p of f hi s shir t a n d speak wildl y a b o u t himself . T h e r e w e r e severa l bab y p a l m tree s p l a n t e d o n t h e wal k o f t h e dispensary , whic h was b r a n d ne w a n d h o u s e d al l t h e office s w h e r e free world p e o p l e w o r k e d . T h e r e w e r e windows , t h o u g h n o t t o w a r d t h e bac k w h e r e the y k e p t a specia l l o c k u p sec tion, a n d s o m e t i m e s caseworker s o r secretarie s woul d c o m e t o thes e window s a n d watch . "Sinners," St . J o h n crie d t o t h e m . Hi s ches t wa s bluewhite a n d hairles s a n d d e p i c t e d scene s o f Chris t h a r r o w i n g t h e Gate , o r drivin g befor e H i m o n t h e t e m ple steps , m o n e y c h a n g e r s . "All o f you, " St . J o h n w a r n e d a n y o n e w h o ' d listen , " d e a d i n sin. " A n d o n t h e y a r d d u r i n g rec . h e delaye d basebal l g a m e s claimin g t o se e fro m t h e sk y angel s d e s c e n d — a n d thes e angel s s p o k e t h r o u g h h i m a s wel l i n

•6 8• DON JUDSO N

t o n g u e s — o r recalle d parable s i n a voic e n o t hi s ow n causing h i m t o shak e i n s o m e fit o f passio n a m o n g t h e players, mostl y blac k C u b a n s w h o t u r n e d awa y a n d crossed themselve s w h e n e v e r h e r u s h e d a m o n g t h e m until g u a r d s c a m e s t r a p p i n g h i m o n c e m o r e t o a liftchai r a n d carryin g fro m t h e field St . J o h n t o bac k r o o m s t o beat o r m e d i c a t e o r b o t h bea t a n d m e d i c a t e h i m int o a silence whic h laste d generall y s o m e tw o o r t h r e e days . A n d al l o f it , t h e insanity , o r w h a t h e claime d t o posses s h i m , coul d h a v e b e e n actual , b u t m o r e likel y h a d direc t relation t o c o u r t r o o m strategie s whil e als o servin g a s a shield b e t w e e n St . J o h n a n d o t h e r i n m a t e s w h o ' d r u m o r e d hi s j a c k et t o contai n c h a r g e s involvin g t h e t o u c h ing a n d h a r m o f a chil d i n St . P e t e r s b u r g F l o r i d a — t h i s b e i n g a t h i n g whic h coul d ge t yo u kille d quic k a n y w h e r e St. J o hn wa s likel y t o d o hi s time . N o w al l o f t h a t i s l o n g pas t a n d a l t h o u g h I can' t n a m e exactl y w h a t i t wa s I' d b e e n waitin g tria l for , I ' m s u r e I'v e d o n e t h e s a m e o r wors e since , t h o u g h o f cours e n e v e r w h a t St . J o h n wa s r u m o r e d t o hav e d o n e ; a n d while I clai m n o smal l u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f ho w r i g h t a n d w r o n g m i g h t a d d u p t o o r b e c o m e t i p p e d i n t h e direc tion o f w h a t i s d e s p e r a t e , I d o realiz e t h e r e t o b e thing s in an y lif e whic h m u s t b e pai d fo r a t o n e tim e o r an o t h e r . A n d ye t I h a v e n o ide a w h a t m i g h t h a v e h a p p e n e d t o St . J o hn o r i f h e wa s a m o n g thos e p e r h a p s to o

•6 9• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

p u r e i n w h a t e v e r i t i s t h a t drive s t h e m t o eve r h a v e t o pay. B u t I d o recal l t h a t facilit y w h e n h e wa s t h e r e o n e m o r n i n g afte r a brief , d r y s h o w e r d u r i n g whic h t h e s u n r e m a i n e d o u t a n d t h e m o r n i n g h o t a n d t h e n t h e sk y after t h e rain , bruise d thic k i n it s distance , a n d backli t by occasiona l flashe s o f a s t o r m whic h coul d n o t build . I saw St . J o h n stan d i n a n u n r e a l bleache d ligh t befor e t h e priso n fenc e whic h s t e a m e d , a n d t h e grass , a n d b e h i n d f u r t h e r stil l t h e fence , t h e r o a d a s wel l s t e a m i n g so t h a t h e a p p e a r e d t o stan d o r ris e j u s t of f a n d abov e t h e g r o u n d , hi s a r m s o u t s t r e t c h e d , fingers

scale d lik e

wings t i p p e d befor e t h e light , a n d h e r e a c h i n g a s i f to bestow : "Listen," h e spok e o u t t o us . "Listen. "

COMERFORD

C

o m e r f o r d i s livin g i n a hol e he' s d u g i n t h e stri p o f woods whic h r u n s b e h i n d T u c k e r ' s P o n d .

T h a t ' s w h a t Ra t says . W e a r e o u t i n fron t o f t h e d r u g s t o r e , s p e e d i n g stil l from t h a t a f t e r n o o n . A t first, cars , a s i f i n t i m e d interval , c o m e u p fro m t h e factor y r o a d . T h e s o u n d o f thei r d o o r s — t h e n e m p t i e d can s o f b e e r o r bottle s b a n g i n g i n t h e win d acros s t h e lot . Later, w e d r a g o i l d r u m s fro m t h e ga s station . Ra t stands befor e o n e a n d presse s t h e li d o f eac h ey e closed . H e t h r o w s a m a t c h int o t h e p a p e r a n d bit s o f trash . B e h i n d h i m a stopligh t sway s a n d clicks ; lookin g fro m t h e ligh t acros s t h e e m p t y stree t t o t h e l o n g - s h u t t e r e d t e n e m e n t s a n d storefront s i t seem s possibl e t o believ e n o o n e ha s eve r live d h e r e a t all .

I n May , p e o p l e begi n drivin g o u t o n t o t h e p l a y g r o u n d to shoo t u p . Yo u ca n h e a r t h e m p u k e fo r a whil e a n d 73

•7 4DON JUDSO N

t h e n t h e headlight s o f thei r car s eas e o n c e m o r e be tween t h e backsto p a n d t h e lo w fenc e a t t h e spo t w h e r e Baby G a n g s t e r wa s kille d las t year . S o m e t i m e s I li e alon e i n t h e d a r k o f m y roof , watching. B u t mos t night s I ' m wit h t h e others , fa r outsid e t h e city—playing, tryin g t o ge t lost . W e snor t smal l whit e diet pill s o r mescaline . T h e r e i s alway s wine . T h e r o a d s outside t h e cit y a r e blackto p a n d cu t acros s m a r s h a n d into p i n e b a r r e n s a n d t h e town s u p b e h i n d t h e m a l o n g t h e oceanfront . B u t t h e n t h e town s e n d a n d t h e r e a r e low hills , a n d fields w h e r e cow s s t a n d patientl y a m o n g t h e rocks , a n d t h e ocea n ca n n o l o n g e r b e smelle d a t all . I n thes e places , village s o n c e stood . Mos t a r e gone . Ye t j u s t w h e n i t seem s possibl e n o n e m i g h t r e m a i n , t h e r e will b e a t u r n a n d pas t i t a n almos t r u i n e d c h u r c h wit h a grassy driv e i n whic h a n u m b e r o f car s sit , a n d t h e c h u r c h d o o r s t h r o w n o p e n t o t h e singin g within ; or , s o m e hal f d o z e n store s a n d a pos t o f f i c e — a r o u n d t h e m , several h o m e s , a n d o n t h e fron t p o r c h o f o n e , o r i n t h e stree t u n d e r a singl e light , children , barefoo t a n d startled, loo k u p fro m play . Starin g quickl y pas t t h e c h u r c h a n d fro m thes e childre n t o t h e w e a t h e r e d a n d sprawling h o m e s , a d d e d piecemea l o r lef t u n d o n e fro m o n e g e n e r a t i o n t o a n o t h e r , I thin k fo r a m o m e n t t h e r e is s o m e t h i n g I recognize .

•7 5• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

W h e r e t h e hel l i s this , s o m e o n e laughs . What t h e hel l i s this ? A n d t h e n t h e villag e i s b e h i n d us , it s fe w store s a n d h o m e s , a n d w e a r e bac k i n u n l i g h t e d countryside . N e v e r actuall y lost , o r n o t trul y o r fo r long . T h e r o a d s h e r e generall y m o v e wit h a certai n d e t e r m i n a t i o n to w a r d o n e o r a n o t h e r o f t h e t h r e e majo r interstate s a n d we almos t alway s e n d withi n h o u r s h e a d e d bac k agai n t o t h e city . O n c e , T a t o followe d a bac k r o u t e int o a n o t h e r stat e a l t o g e t h e r a n d t h e n crosse d f r o m i t t o a dir t r o a d whic h r a n fo r s o m e distanc e unti l i t b e c a m e littl e m o r e t h a n a w a s h e d - o u t p a t h — r o c k s t r e w n , deepl y r u t t e d a n d wit h s u d d e n t u r n s — t h e larges t tree s r e c e d i n g fro m t h e p a t h ' s e d g e fo r t a n g l e d u n d e r b r u s h a n d s t u n t cu t p i n e which slowl y close d ove r t h e car , b r a n c h e s s l a p p i n g it s window: a closed-i n t u n n e l , impossibl e t o bac k o u t o f a n d fro m whic h fo r q u i t e s o m e tim e t h e r e h a d b e e n no turnaround . "Like a n a m b u s h , " that' s w h a t Clayton , a f o r m e r soldier w h o ' d alread y g o n e t o t h e w a r a n d h a d b e e n sen t h o m e wit h nerves , e x p l a i n e d . "Incoming," h e suddenl y screamed . T a t o s h u t t h e ca r d o w n . "Shit m a n , " h e said . "Jesu s Christ , Clay. " All t h a t coul d b e h e a r d wa s t h e ca r tickin g of f heat ,

•7 6• DON JUDSO N

a n d Clayton' s r a g g e d b r e a t h . " I can' t se e o n e g o d d a m n thing," h e cried . " N o t o n e . " A n d i t wa s true . A l t h o u g h w e h a d c o m e t o a b r e a k in t h e tre e line , a n i m m e n s e weigh t o f d a r k n e s s h e a v e d a n d p u s h e d itsel f fro m ever y direction . T h e r e wer e n o stars. T h e sk y d i d n ' t eve n see m t o star t a n y w h e r e . " J u n g l e d r e a m s , " Clayto n w h i s p e r e d . "W e have, " h e said, " s t e p p e d int o s o m e distanc e h e r e . " Clayton o f c o u r s e h a d b e e n s p e a k i n g o f t h e past , o f war, a n d killin g p e r h a p s — t h o u g h lookin g a t h i m , thes e did n o t see m thing s h e should'v e k n o w n a b o u t , n o r w e r e the y o n e s whic h fi t t h e m o m e n t ; b u t onc e h e ' d calmed d o w n , w e f o u n d ourselve s o n t h e e d g e o f a m e a d o w , a n d leavin g t h e car , r e c o n n o i t e r i n g Clayto n n a m e d it , t h e r e o c c u r r e d t o m e a sens e o f s t e p p i n g s o m e h o w pas t w h a t m i g h t hav e b e e n rea l a n d int o Clay ton's d r e a m o f himsel f a n d t h e j u n g l e — T a t o , a n d me , a n d Rat , a n d Clayto n a s well , n o m o r e t h a n shadows , a n d I fel t t h a t thi s d r e a m coul d hav e b e e n a s actua l a t h i n g a s an y o t h e r a n d t h a t w e w e r e i n fac t i n a plac e t h a t n o t o n e o f u s kne w n o r woul d b e abl e t o find o u r way bac k t o again . Later tha t nigh t w e wen t b y th e playgroun d an d s t o p p e d i n it s p a r k i n g lot . T h e j u n k i e s w e r e stil l t h e r e . T h e y h a d pulle d thei r car s int o a circl e e d g i n g t h e base line, light s t u r n e d i n w a r d , a n d t h e r e wa s a c o m m o t i o n .

-7 7• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

T h r e e o r fou r w e r e a t t e m p t i n g t o p u t s o m e t h i n g , a bod y o r s o m e o n e passe d out , int o t h e ca r o f a n o t h e r . B u t t h e car's drive r wa s a n g r y . Finally , e v e r y o n e gav e u p a n d d r o p p e d t h e u n c o n s c i o u s p e r s o n o n t h e pitcher' s m o u n d a n d left . " W h a t d o yo u t h i n k w e s h o u l d do, " T a t o asked . N o o n e sai d a n y t h i n g . Afte r severa l m i n u t e s t h e ca r in whic h t h e o t h e r s h a d b e e n tryin g t o p u t t h e bod y c a m e back . T w o p e o p l e go t out . T h e y s q u a t t e d ove r t h e m a n they' d lef t b e h i n d fo r a m i n u t e a n d t h e n pulle d hi s j a c k e t off . L o o k i n g u p a t u s o n e o f t h e m s h r u g g e d , " H e ' s m y cousin. " As the y d r o v e of f thi s s a m e m a n l e a n e d o u t t h e window a n d tol d u s — " I t h i n k he' s d e a d , anyway. "

A d r a g o n ( e m e r g i n g ) — d e l i c a t e arms , childlik e b u t a h a n d h o o k e d int o a cla w pullin g i t fro m a b a n k e d s t o r m of clouds . T h e e y e s — p a r r o t b r i g h t i n whic h tw o line s bisect : one red , on e green . Fire c o m e s a r o u n d t h e m o u t h . T h e m a n w h o d i d it , a fa t bike r o u t o f plac e i n t h e well li t a n d n e a t s h o p o n a W o r c e s t e r sid e street , trie d t o p u s h o t h e r , m o r e o r n a t e a n d expensiv e tattoos . " T h i n k carefully, " h e ' d said .

•7 8• DON JUDSO N

S o m e t i m e s t h e r e a r e m e m o r i e s o f a chil d s t a n d i n g at t h e t o p o f b a s e m e n t stairs . T h i s i s i n S h e l b u r n e . I ' m n o t s u r e how , b u t t h e chil d slips , c u t t i n g hi s h e a d badl y o n t h e e x p o s e d e d g e o f t h e secon d step , a n d t u m b l i n g forward, land s a t t h e b o t t o m o f t h e stairwell , u n a b l e t o b r e a t h e . Hi s fathe r i s furiou s seein g tears . O r e m b a r rassed. I n o t h e r m e m o r i e s , t h e f a t h e r ha s p u s h e d t h e child. " O h m y G o d , " m o t h e r screams . T h e d r a g o n i n t h e tatto o pull s itsel f int o s o m e fixed a n d u n s p o k e n absolute . W h a t e v e r d o e s n ' t kil l you , etc . By nine-thirt y I a m u p a n d dressed . Outside , p u d dles h a v e g u t t e r e d int o dip s w h e r e t h e sidewalk s a r e buckled, a n d t h e w a t e r t h e r e i s s h e e t e d wit h oi l a n d a chalky d u s t whic h seem s t o h a n g a s wel l i n t h e a i r — a taste, t o n g u e , lips . N o t rain , b u t t h e ide a o f rain . G o o d m o r n i n g , I say . U p a n d d o w n t h e stree t i s nearl y d e s e r t e d excep t for severa l childre n w h o pla y befor e t h e r u b b l e o f a b u r n e d - o u t storefront . T w o boy s a n d a m u c h smalle r girl . T h e boy s w e a r m a t c h i n g crewcut s shave d nearl y bald a n d t h e r e i s s o m e t h i n g compulsive , nearl y sexua l in t h e pla y o f t e n d o n a n d muscl e a b o u t t h e bas e o f thei r

•7 9• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

skulls; the y c l a m b e r int o a n d o u t o f o p e n windo w frames. I i m a g i n e t h e m t o b e f a m i l y — t h e o l d e r o f t h e boy s in c h a r g e — a n d t h a t t h e i r m o t h e r , m o s t likel y aslee p o n a da y b ed wit h s o m e m a n , i s gla d t o b e ri d o f t h e m fo r a while. H a p p y fo r t h e quiet . Becaus e that' s ho w i t is — s o m e m a n — b e c a u s e i t i s n e v e r give n t o b e o n e , a n d constant, t h e m e n h o l d i n g themselve s a p a r t fro m t h e children, a n d a p a r t a s wel l fro m t h e w o m e n , s o t h a t they, t h e w o m e n , a r e here, a n d t h e children , a n d b y n o o n wil l b e see n o n t h e fron t stoop s a n d sidewalks , talking a m o n g themselves , l a u g h i n g , b u t n o t t h e m e n . W h o a r e s t r a n g e r s sleepin g i n stil l d a r k e n e d b a c k r o o m s , w h o c o m e o u t p e r h a p s fo r a m o m e n t d u r i n g t h e lat e day, m o v i n g pas t t h e w o m e n a s i f o n i m p o r t a n t busi ness. . . . A n d onl y a t n i g h t , the y s t o p — b u t t o w o r k o n cars a n d ge t h i g h , t h e car s a n d m e n soo n g o n e . As thes e tw o wil l leav e thei r sister . T h e r e wil l b e a soft , d o w n b e a r d abov e t h e i r t o p lip , a n d o n t h e i r chin , a n d the y wil l b e y o u n g m e n dul l and angry — B a n g , t h e l a r g e r o f t h e m say s c o m i n g u p n o w be h i n d t h e girl , b u t i s i g n o r e d . " B a n g , " h e r e p e a t s — s h e s q u a t t i n g abov e t h e p a v e m e n t , u n a w a r e , secretin g bit s of roc k a n d strin g i n h e r m o u t h , a n d s o t h e bo y form s

-8 0• DON JUDSO N

with hi s t h u m b a n d forefinge r a g u n hel d t o t h e bas e o f h e r nec k a n d tell s h e r , " H e y , " a n d thi s tim e sh e look s u p , eye s flat ye t s u r p r i s e d , a b o u t t o cry . T h e ski n o f h e r a r m s a n d fac e i s translucent , b o n e w h i t e , a n d r u n belo w with a m a p t r a c e o f veins , a n d seein g b y t h e dir t a r o u n d h e r m o u t h w h a t she' s b e e n d o i n g , o r p e r h a p s onl y hi s interest t u r n i n g elsewher e t h e bo y grab s a n a r m a n d leads h e r , al l t h r e e d i s a p p e a r i n g t h r o u g h t h e alley m o u t h withou t a word . At t e n M a r g a r e t Gleeve y pull s u p i n h e r b a t t e r e d gray Oldsmobile . T h e res t o f t h e m o r n i n g w e driv e fro m one neighborhoo d t o anothe r stoppin g a t tenement s w h e r e M a r g a r e t i s o w e d r e n t m o n e y . I g o i n whil e sh e waits i n t h e car . M a r g a r e t watche s carefully . I a m sup posed t o c o u n t t h e m o n e y o u t i n fron t o f h e r . " H o w m u c h t h e r e , " sh e asks , "ho w m u c h ? " Eventually sh e begin s t o tel l m e , a s sh e doe s ever y week, a b o u t T e d Williams , t h e f a m o u s basebal l player . " H e ' s b e e n h i d i n g n e x t t o m y h o u s e , " M a r g a r e t ex plains, "seein g m e u n d r e s s a t night. " I glanc e ove r a t h e r , fro m t h e c o r n e r o f m y eye : M a r g a r e t b e h i n d t h e wheel , b e n t m i s s h a p e n . A t a p o i n t j u s t befor e t h e lin e o f gra y h a i r pulle d back , t h e r e i s a n e a t clea r h a l f - m o o n sca r w h e r e a r o b b e r u s e d a h a m m e r a n d lef t h e r mostl y d e a d i n t h e hallwa y o f o n e o f her properties .

•8 1• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

" H e y , " t h e r o b b e r h a d w h i s p e r e d , a n d w h e n sh e t u r n e d h e s t e p p e d t o h e r fro m b e n e a t h t h e stairwell . I t was afte r t h a t sh e d e c i d e d n o l o n g e r t o collec t h e r o w n m o n e y . M y dea l i s fo r fre e r e n t . " T e d William s live s i n Florida, " I tel l h e r . " H e fishes." W e g o a l o n g lik e that . Sh e e x p l a i n i n g a b o u t T e d Williams a n d h o w t h e r e i s s o m e t h i n g i n hi s eye s a n d m e wishing t o b e ri d o f h e r . J u s t befor e a sto p s o m e w h e r e a l o n g D e x t e r Stree t t h e foresk y goe s d a r k , a fla t slat e g r e e n , a n d t h e ai r i s pulled u p int o t h e sky ; agains t i t building s stan d o u t essential a n d d r a i n e d o f color , oddl y weighted . C h i l d r e n hesitate i n pla y befor e t h e m , w o m e n a t window s pul l wash fro m lines . I n lot s t h e t r a s h — a discarde d couch , refrigerator, b r o k e n bit s o f glass , t h e frame s o f d o o r s o r w i n d o w s — s t a n d s o u t a s well , eac h singula r agains t t h e absence, i n d r a w n , waiting . " H e r e i t comes, " M a r g a r e t says , a n d t h e n t h e first d r o p s o f rain , heav y a n d m e a s u r e d ; t h e wiper s g o o n a n d a r o u n d u s e v e r y t h i n g break s o p e n o n c e m o r e .

Baby G a n g s t e r die d j u s t afte r m y p a r e n t s m o v e d t o t h e coast—actually, m y fathe r h a d b e e n g o n e si x m o n t h s before h e calle d fo r us . Settlin g in . G e t t i n g thing s ready .

•8 2• DON JUDSO N

A n e w life , h e wrote . A fres h start . Yet I sensed , eve n b e h i n d thos e hopefu l words , t h e s l a m m i n g o f c u p b o a r d doors , d e e p , intake n breaths , a n d t h e long , a n g r y silence s t h a t h a d alway s b e e n hi s l a n g u a g e o f disapproval . E v e r y w h e r e a b o u t m y m o t h e r a n d I , eve n t h e n , a l t h o u g h a t h o u s a n d mile s distan t a n d its i m p e r a t i v e t h e r e f o r e m u t e d , still , ros e a n d fell , ros e a n d fell—"Yo u will" — i n e v e r y t h i n g h e said , a n d m e w a n t i n g n o m o r e . D u r i n g t h e bes t o f time s F a t h e r wa s a difficult a n d a n g r y m a n . B u t h e d r a n k . T h e r e wa s vio lence a n d t h a t wa s a t h i n g whic h h a d cause d m y r u n n i n g away , or , o n severa l occasions , b e i n g sen t t o t h e h o m e s o f variou s relative s whil e "thing s coole d o u t , " a n d o n e tim e involve d eve n t h e stat e a n d m e b e i n g a ward i n th e Children' s C e n t e r — a n d thoug h ther e ha d b e e n tal k o f a c o u r t tria l t h a t time , n o t h i n g c a m e o f i t a n d afte r t h r e e m o n t h s I wa s bac k h o m e . M y m o t h e r c a m e t o ge t m e . I ca n r e m e m b e r severa l o f t h e boy s I knew w a t c h i n g u s fro m a d o o r w a y a s w e walke d o u t pas t t h e cluste r o f a d m i n i s t r a t i o n offices , a n d m y m o t h e r , w h o wa s ver y prett y a n d w h o t h a t da y wor e a pal e blue dres s a n d looke d hopefu l a s a smal l chil d herself , glanced u p a n d sa w t h e m , a n d smiled , a n d m i s u n d e r standing, calle d o u t tellin g t h e m , "Sa y g o o d b y e t o y o u r friend now . T h i s i s al l ove r fo r h i m . " B u t the y onl y

83 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

stared a t h e r fo r a m o m e n t l o n g e r a n d t u r n e d a n d w e n t back int o thei r cottage . T h e sk y t h a t da y h a d b e e n t h e colo r o f s a n d a n d lo w clouds o b s c u r e d severa l building s a r o u n d t h e rai l yard s in t h e distanc e b e y o n d t h e C h i l d r e n ' s C e n t e r w h e r e t h e city b e g a n , a n d e v e r y t h i n g a p p e a r e d s t r i p p e d a n d cold . It wa s t h e b e g i n n i n g o f winter . Withi n a wee k every t h i n g wa s t o b e covere d i n snow , b u t I c o u l d n ' t kno w t h a t a n d a s m y m o t h e r a n d I m a d e o u r wa y t o w a r d t h e p a r k i n g lo t I di d n o t t h i n k o f suc h thing s b u t instea d listened a s sh e e x p l a i n e d h o w e v e r y t h i n g i n lif e wa s n o m o r e t h a n o n e m o m e n t passin g b y int o a n o t h e r a n d t h a t a p e r s o n onl y h a d t o outliv e t h e b a d i n o r d e r t o leave i t b e h i n d . " D o yo u u n d e r s t a n d , h o n e y ? " sh e s t o p p e d a n d asked , a v a g u e smil e pullin g a t t h e c o r n e r of h e r m o u t h . A n d whil e I di d n o t trul y know , I believe d she wa s onl y tryin g t o explai n t h a t thing s w e r e t o b e different. I tol d h e r so , a n d sh e l a u g h e d o u t r i g h t , a n d w h e n w e go t t o t h e ca r i t i n fac t wa s n o t t h e s a m e b a t t e r e d R e n a u l t alway s b o r r o w e d w h e n m y famil y n e e d e d t o ge t s o m e w h e r e a n d a ca b o r t h e b u s w o u l d n o t do . I n s t e a d i t wa s a n Oldsmobile , s o m b e r a n d larg e a n d black , a n d t h o u g h i t wa s n o t a ne w ca r o r eve n ver y well k e p t she' d h a d i t w a s h e d a n d s h i n e d a n d t h e insid e v a c u u m e d s o t h a t i t smelle d a s i f i t m i g h t b e j u st of f t h e

-8 4• DON JUDSO N

s h o w r o o m floor,

a n d sh e tol d m e i t wa s ours . "You r

father," sh e said , " b o u g h t i t las t week. " I kne w t h a t i t wa s s u p p o s e d t o softe n m e u p . After a m i n u t e — a s i f i n a f t e r t h o u g h t , sh e a d d e d , " H e ' s b e e n i n a p r o g r a m . F o r hi s d r i n k i n g a n d such. " W h a t els e I r e m e m b e r wa s h o w o u r a p a r t m e n t — i t s m i s m a t c h e d furnishings : viny l curtains , t o r n a n d t a p e d over; b a t t e r e d chair s a n d stickle g tables ; a n d o n thes e m o t h e r ' s "treasures " . . . smal l c h e a p figurine s b o u g h t off t h e c o u n t e r a t W o o l w o r t h ' s — h o w thes e h a d b e e n a r r a n g e d s o a s t o a p p e a r almos t cheerfu l w h e n w e go t home. "Welcome," M o t h e r crie d out , flinging

th e doo r

wide fo r m e . A n d ho w al l o f it , t h e car , s o m e o n e ' s fifty-dolla r cast-off fo r sure , a n d t h e sa d a t t e m p t t o m a k e o u r a p a r t m e n t o t h e r t h a n i t reall y was , a t o n c e b r o u g h t i n m e a sense o f pity , a n d s h a m e , a n d h a t r e d ; becaus e i t coul d be n o m o r e t h a n a

j o k e , a n d n o t h i n g h a d reall y

c h a n g e d , s o t h a t w h e n m y fathe r b e g a n d r i n k i n g a g a i n — w h i c h h e di d soo n e n o u g h — t h e r e wa s t o b e m o r e trouble , eventuall y including , severa l year s later , a g u n a n d a n o t h e r m a n fro m t h e n e i g h b o r h o o d . B y t h e n I felt , t h o u g h onl y f o u r t e e n , almos t g r o w n mysel f a n d when I cam e h o m e on e nigh t an d foun d hi m o n th e couch wit h a pisto l a s i f h e ' d h a d t h e t h o u g h t o f u s i n g i t

•8 5• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

o n himself , I realize d t h a t whil e t h e r e wa s littl e I coul d ever sa y i n o r d e r t o m a k e an y p e r s o n ' s lif e b e t t e r I wasn't intereste d i n hi s anyway . "I d o n ' t k n o w w h a t m i g h t h a p p e n fro m this, " m y father tol d m e . B u t soo n afte r h e m o v e d t o a smal l cit y s o u t h o f Sa n Francisco , a n d a l t h o u g h i t i s n o t a plac e I know o r h a v e eve r seen , I pictur e i t t o b e se t agains t cliffs s o stee p t h a t belo w t h e m t h e ocea n m i g h t a p p e a r helpless a n d w i t h o u t effect . "I d o n ' t know, " h e sai d a n d t h e n the y w e r e b o t h g o n e , she , a s I m e n t i o n e d , j u s t befor e Bab y G a n g s t e r got shot . A n d that , whic h n e i t h e r fel t n o r s e e m e d lik e d y i n g because t h o u g h bloo d wa s e v e r y w h e r e a n d poole d a b o u t my fee t a s I knel t a n d b e n e a t h hi s h e a d a n d o n hi s shirt , a n d I coul d s e e — b u t al l o f i t c a l m — t h e shot s a n d Bab y G a n g s t e r , falling , tryin g t o speak . E v e r y o n e els e h a d r u n so I l e a n e d ove r t o h i m . " D u d e ? " I said . I w a n t e d t o r e a c h int o hi s walle t t o stri p h i m o f something. "You're n o t losin g a n y t h i n g , " I tol d h i m , u n a b l e t o b e c o m e a n g r y a t e i t h e r o f us , o r a t t h e shooter s w h o ' d driven of f leavin g Bab y G a n g s t e r t o die . " T h i s i s to o easy, " I said . A n d I t h o u g h t t h e n o f m y m o t h e r a n d h o w w h e n I' d c o n f r o n t e d h e r a n d tol d h e r t h a t I w o u l d n o t g o t o t h e c o a s t — t h a t I woul d cu t m y

•8 6• DON JUDSO N

father's t h r o a t , a n d h e r s to o i f n e e d b e — a l l o f i t h a d carried b e y o n d w h a t coul d fin d r e t u r n . "Fuck you, " I' d said , a n d t h a t h a d b e e n a d e a t h . B u t thi s . . . I l e a n e d t o w a r d Bab y G a n g s t e r , e m b a r rassed t h a t I s h o u l d b e alon e wit h h i m . A n d a l t h o u g h h e trie d t o spea k a n d m y lip s f o r m e d , I believe , hi s w o r d s a s h e sai d t h e m , I coul d n o t u n d e r s t a n d . It wa s j u st d a r k — l o w , thi n cloud s masse d lik e form less gra y sheet s bleache d whit e w e r e se t agains t t h e sky , a n d light s w e n t o n u p a n d d o w n t h e A v e n u e . I looke d at Bab y G a n g s t e r . H e a p p e a r e d ridiculous , s o y o u n g — j u s t a boy , sho t a s i f h e w e r e a m a n . "Pray," I tol d h i m , u n a b l e t o t h i n k o f a n y t h i n g else .

It i s a t a p a r t y t h a t I se e C o m e r f o r d , tryin g t o k e e p himself t o t h e fringe s a s usual , a n d h e i s surprise d w h e n I tal k t o h i m a n d t h e n offe r m y a p a r t m e n t a s a plac e t o stay unti l thing s ca n c o m e t o g e t h e r . Whil e I m a k e thi s offer I ' m t h i n k i n g o f time s w h e n p e o p l e h a v e allowe d m e t o slee p o n a c o u c h o r extr a b e d fo r a wee k o r two , a n d I' m i m a g i n i n g a s wel l C o m e r f o r d walkin g acros s t h e p l a y g r o u n d alone , pas t t h e basketbal l court s a n d d o w n into t h e woods , p i c k i n g — h o w ? — t h e exac t spo t he'l l di g for himsel f a plac e t o slee p a n d live .

•8 7• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

"Don't worry , m a n , " I tel l h i m w h e n I notic e t h e u n c e r t a i n t y i n C o m e r f o r d ' s face , "it' s n o p r o b l e m . " Yet w h e n h e show s u p t h e n e x t n i g h t I d o n ' t recog nize h i m a t al l fo r a m o m e n t . I hav e b e e n s m o k i n g P C P with severa l girl s fro m t h e n e i g h b o r h o o d . O n e o f thes e girls i s shor t a n d ha s larg e breast s a n d ha s j u s t b e e n released fro m a hospita l o r escape d a n d doe s n o t w a n t to r e t u r n . Sh e stil l wear s a hospita l identificatio n brace let a n d a p a p e r gow n whic h keep s fallin g o p e n a t it s back. " O h shit, " sh e ha s b e e n sayin g t o a second , taller , girl al l n i g h t long . T h i s talle r gir l i s dresse d completel y in blac k a n d ha s p a i n t e d h e r fingernails

purple . O n e

time I find mysel f i n t h e kitchen , u n s u r e why , a n d t h e tall gir l come s i n a n d w e kiss , b u t w h e n C o m e r f o r d knocks e v e r y o n e i s o n c e agai n i n t h e livin g r o o m watch ing a movi e a b o u t a m a n m a r o o n e d i n o u t e r s p a c e . I wal k t o t h e d o o r a n d star e o u t a t C o m e r f o r d , hi s hair i s l u m i n o u s a n d d a m p . B e h i n d h i m , i n t h e street , i s a pal e blu e Chrysle r I m p e r i a l , it s e n g i n e r u n n i n g . " O h , " I sa y afte r a m i n u t e a n d le t h i m in .

Past t h e final r o w h o u s e : severa l cu t ston e building s a n d t h e tw o stripmall s whic h for m a n ar c o f ligh t a t t h e p o i n t

•8 8• DON JUDSO N

w h e r e the y m e e t , a n d fro m o n e stor e M a r g a r e t e m e r g e s a n d shuffle s d o w n a n alle y a n d o u t t h r o u g h t h e p a r k i n g lot o f a C a m b o d i a n b a r li t u p a s i f thi s wer e a n o t h e r c o u n t r y a n d t h e n a l o n g a d e s e r t e d stree t pas t t h e ol d stockyards. T h e n i g h t hot , a pal e thi n stri p o f m o o n h u n g agains t t h e thic k sky , t h a t a n d a n occasiona l street light a n d t h e distan t s o u n d o f traffic , a n d M a r g a r e t m a k e s h e r wa y finally t h r o u g h al l o f thi s t o a n u n u s e d railway t u n n e l w h e r e legles s veteran s a n d insan e p e o p l e n o l o n g e r w a n t i n g shelter s hav e buil t a cit y o f c a r d b o a r d a n d tin . J u s t insid e t h e t u n n e l sh e disappears . " M a r g a r e t , " I woul d lik e t o cal l out . B u t sh e woul d n e v e r a n s w e r now . T h e r e a r e fires i n barrel s bac k a r o u n d t h e t u n n e l wall, a n d t h e res t i s d a r k n e s s a n d voice s whic h w h i s p e r a n d n o t h i n g els e unti l a face , whit e a n d ghastly , lean s u p fro m t h e d a r k a s i f fro m n o w h e r e a n d snap s it s teet h a n d i s gone .

I loo k u p . Besid e a wal l o n a s h o u l d e r o f blackto p g r o w n t h r o u g h wit h beachgras s a n d dr y whit e flowers , T a t o ' s car i s p a r k e d — d o o r s t h r o w n o p e n — m u s i c fro m a t a p e halted a t a p o i n t i n t h e ai r distinctl y befor e us , t h e n

•8 9• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

c o n t i n u i n g , severed , a p p a r e n t l y w i t h o u t form , a n d I t h i n k o f children' s gibberish , song s o f o n e refrai n s u n g over a n d again . " W h a t d o you guess? " C a t h e a d ask s n o d d i n g a t m e a n d t h e n p o i n t i n g wit h hi s e m p t i e d ca n o f beer . C a t h e a d believe s t h e t o r n a d o wil l c o m e , b u t t h e oth ers r e m a i n les s sure . Al l o f i t i s o f smal l interest . F o r a l o n g m o m e n t I w o n d e r w h a t m y m o t h e r , w h o i n al l h e r years o f b e i n g i n o u r cit y n e v e r o n c e lef t t h e b o r d e r s o f h e r o w n n e i g h b o r h o o d , w o u l d se e h e r e thi s m o r n i n g . T h e s a m e r o a d a n d field a n d wall s o f course ; t h e ocea n she s o wel l love d t o collec t i n pictur e postcards . I n o u r a p a r t m e n t , afte r he wa s g o n e , m y m o t h e r t u r n e d w h a t h a d b e e n a n extra , w o r k r o o m , int o "hers. " T h e r e w e r e knickknacks whic h h a d b e e n store d i n t h e cellar , l a m p s a n d s p r e a d s — t h e postcards . Sh e h a d mos t o n o n e larg e table i n t h e c e n t e r o f t h e r o o m . T h e s h a d e s w e r e alway s d r a w n . I t wa s coo l a n d yo u coul d n o t h e a r t h e cit y outside. " W h e r e a r e we? " sh e w o u l d ask , smiling . H e r g e s t u r e e n c o m p a s s i n g i n m o t i o n t h e tin y cu t figures o f rock s a n d trees , o f animal s a n d s h e p h e r d s . "Where?" It wa s i n thi s r o o m I f o u n d h e r t h e wee k befor e w e h a d p l a n n e d t o leav e fo r California , c o m i n g t o h e r ,

•9 0• DON JUDSO N

k n o w i n g I w o u l d n o t go , a n d I tol d h e r — w h a t ? T h e table wa s b u m p e d . A figurine fell , a n d sh e d r e w back , s t r i c k e n — p e r h a p s i n fear . I fel t mysel f gro w a r o u n d thi s w o m a n . "Stupid," I tol d h e r . "Stupid , stupid , stupid. " A n d t h o u g h t t h e n I sa w h e r c l e a r l y — t h e d r a w n - i n whit e ski n at h e r fac e a n d t h r o a t , t h e fragil e pla y o f t e n d o n , a smel l which wa s p o w d e r a n d h e a t . T h e r e wa s a m o m e n t , t h e n m y h a n d s swep t t h e res t o f t h e figurines

ont o

t h e floor. " A n d i f I di d go, " I sai d t h i n k i n g o f m y father . "I' d cut h i m . Kil l hi s ass . D o yo u h e a r me? " I n t h e e n d w h a t coul d sh e do ? I wa s lef t i n t h e "care " o f a n a u n t I'v e n o t see n since . T h i s m o r n i n g w e h a v e c o m e h e r e t o ge t d r u n k a n d wait unti l t h e s t o r m p r e d i c t e d las t n i g h t t o u c h e s d o w n so t h a t w e ca n b o d y s u r f t h e rock s a t Beavertail . "Chec k it o u t , " C a t h e a d h a d tol d us , "th e whol e fuckin g situa tion wil l b e o u t o f control. " A n d t h a t h a d b e e n t h e idea . S o m e t h i n g o u t o f control . A bi t o f d a n g e r . Songs playe d o u t i n o u r h e a d . Yet i f I coul d stan d outsid e I woul d se e t h e t h r e e of t h e m sittin g o n rock s i n fron t o f a cemeter y fo r a c o m m u n i t y whic h n o l o n g e r exists , a n d m e j u st i n back , a n d I w o u l d w o n d e r a b o u t u s n o t a t all . I s p e n d les s a n d les s tim e wit h m y friends . A t n i g h t

91 BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

I avoi d t h e place s the y m e e t . B u t I d o n ' t sta y h o m e w h e r e i t ha s b e c o m e impossibl e becaus e o f C o m e r f o r d w h o s t o p p e d leavin g first t h e a p a r t m e n t , a n d t h e n hi s r o o m , a n d finally hi s b e d altogether . I n hi s r o o m t h e s h a d e s a r e pulle d clos e a n d t h e r e i s a smel l lik e m o i s t u r e , cu t o p e n . W h a t a r e yo u d o i n g anyway , I' d confron t h i m w h e n it started . I w o u l d m o v e t o w a r d a windo w a n d t h e n sto p a n d fac e h i m , b u t h e ' d onl y s h r u g a n d as k m e t o t u r n o n t h e televisions , t h e r e a r e t w o — o n e w i t h o u t pictur e a n d t h e o t h e r s o u n d — a t t h e foo t o f hi s bed . W h a t a r e yo u d o i n g , I w a n t e d t o know , f r i g h t e n e d for s o m e r e a s o n , passin g a h a n d t h r o u g h ai r g o n e heav y with t h e p r e s e n c e o f h i m . Very lat e s o m e night s a dul l blu e flutte r c h a n g e s t h e shadows i n hi s r o o m a n d I h e a r a sof t m u r m u r o f voices . I dream . A n d t h e n ge t u p a n d wal k t h r o u g h t h e city . I t i s lik e this: t h e bar s a n d stri p j o i n ts s h u t t e r e d d o w n , doorway s a n d window s e m p t y , o n e o r tw o m e n g a t h e r e d a r o u n d a couch i n a vacan t lot . Sometimes, t h e r e i s m o r e . O n c e I c a m e righ t int o a shooting . It wa s ver y nearl y m o r n i n g . T h e m a n w h o h a d b e e n shot sa t s l u m p e d int o t h e sea t o f a car . A l t h o u g h p a r t o f his h e a d a p p e a r e d t o h a v e b e e n b r o k e n lik e string s o f

•9 2DON JUDSO N

glass yo u coul d se e t h a t h e wa s aliv e . . . stil l b r e a t h i n g , a n d eac h tim e h e di d a rattl e o f b r e a t h escape d hi s t h r o a t . I w a t c h e d h i m lik e t h a t fo r a m i n u t e k n o w i n g i t would n o t g o o n fo r long . O n t h e sidewal k i n fron t o f t h e s h o o t i n g a beautifu l P u e r t o Rica n w o m a n stoo d cry ing a n d pressin g h e r h a n d s t o g e t h e r a s i f the y wer e small animal s whic h m i g h t escape . Severa l t e e n a g e r s i n g a n g color s talke d softl y t o h e r . It wa s a s o u n d lik e p i g e o n s cooing . I w o n d e r e d t o mysel f w h o thes e p e o p l e were . I t s e e m e d a s i f the y m i g h t b e m y ver y ow n famil y a n d I wished t o b e i n c l u d e d i n thei r w a r m circl e o f grief , b u t they h a d n o t ye t notice d m e n o r w o u l d the y likel y sa y a w o r d w h e n the y did . "Oh God . Oh , m y dea r God, " th e woma n bega n t o cry out . " O h no . Please , please. " W h a t p o w e r sh e h a d i n t h a t m o m e n t ! I t wa s a s i f t h e e n t i r e cit y h a d close d a r o u n d h e r , a n d I , partiall y h i d d e n , wa s u n a b l e t o e n t e r b u t onl y lookin g a s sh e wa s u r g e d t o w a r d t h e t o p ste p o f a b a s e m e n t stai r b y t h e others. I coul d see : t h e car , a lin e o f fir e escapes , o n e o r two light s whic h w e r e o n i n windows , a n d i t o c c u r r e d t o m e t h e n t h a t t h e r e w e r e n o sirens , t h a t n o o n e els e wa s c o m i n g o u t t o l o o k — I wa s alon e wit h t h e four , a n d t h a t n o t o n e o f t h e m w o u l d ste p forwar d becaus e the y t h o u g h t i t possibl e t h a t w h o e v e r sho t thei r frien d m i g h t

-9 3• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

r e t u r n ; a n d w i t h o u t decisio n o r k n o w i n g why , b u t p e r h a p s u n d e r s t a n d i n g onl y t h a t I could, I walke d t o t h e ca r a n d quickl y r e a c h e d insid e it s window , u n s u r e eve n o f w h a t I wa s lookin g for , t h e t h i n g I n e e d e d t o tak e fro m t h e d y i n g m a n , unti l I f o u n d it . W h e n I t u r n e d again , o n e o f t h e pendejos , talle r a n d m o r e thickse t t h a n t h e others , wa s b e g i n n i n g acros s t h e wal k fo r m e . B e h i n d h i m t h e beautifu l w o m a n h a d fallen silent . " M o t h e r f u c k e r , " t h e g a n g b a n g e r calle d o u t a s h e w o r k e d a shor t l e n g t h o f p i p e fro m insid e hi s shirt . Because i t h a d starte d t h e n I smile d a n d l e a n e d bac k into t h e windo w a n d kisse d hi s d y i n g friend' s fac e a n d c a m e u p wit h m y m o u t h blood y a n d t h e n showe d t o al l of t h e m w h a t I' d alread y take n fro m t h e car . I t wa s a wallet. I hel d i t u p i n m y h a n d s a n d shoo k w h a t littl e m o n e y wa s insid e o u t o n t o t h e sidewalk . "My friends, " I said . T h e o n e w h o h a d c h a r g e d s t o p p e d s h o r t a t t h e sigh t of m y bloodie d m o u t h a n d b e g a n watchin g a s I carefull y p u t t h e walle t i n a bac k pocket . H e fingere d a cros s a t his nec k a n d looke d ove r t o t h e others . N o o n e m o v e d . W h e n I coul d se e t h a t n o t h i n g m o r e m i g h t h a p p e n I s t e p p e d awa y fro m t h e c a r — h a n d s o u t i n a g e s t u r e of q u e s t i o n i n g — a n d slowl y backe d int o t h e stree t a n d t u r n e d a n d h u r r i e d fro m t h e m .

- 9 4• DON JUDSO N

"Cabron" t h

e thickse t o n e calle d afte r m e , "usted

arbrera en el infeirno" T h e walle t i s safekep t u n d e r severa l shirt s i n t h e closet o f m y a p a r t m e n t . Insid e a r e letter s a n d card s a n d notes, a n d a p i c t u r e a s well , b u t n o t o f t h e beautifu l w o m a n w h o crie d o n t h e s i d e w a l k — a l t h o u g h I'v e m a d e u p i n m y m i n d severa l storie s a b o u t h e r a n d t h e dyin g m a n . Often , I se e t h e m t o g e t h e r u n d e r tree s i n a park . T h e y spea k softly . T h i s i s t h e m a p I carr y wit h m e . I w o u l d lik e t o tel l C a t h e a d no w t h a t i t i s h u r r i c a n e s — t h a t a t o r n a d o , specifi c a n d o f a particula r p a t h , has littl e t o d o wit h w o r k i n g t h e se a i n t o an y fury , a n d t h a t n o n e a r e likel y t o p u t d o w n r i g h t a l o n g t h e coas t t o begin with . I w o u l d lik e t o tel l h i m that , b u t i t i s useless , s o I look w h e r e h e g e s t u r e s — t o t h e Poin t u p o n whic h t h e c o m p o u n d wit h a ric h family' s f o u r h o u s e s sits , a n d t h e sky t h e r e g o n e t o a p u r p l e wel t b r u i s e d yello w a l o n g it s e d g e , a n d I tel l h i m I gues s so . T h a t i t ver y wel l m i g h t be .

O n e le g ra w agains t t h e shee t a n d mattres s e d g e , a n d a n a r m t h r o w n forwar d creat e a lin e fro m b e d t o window. I n t h e m i r r o r I se e h i m . Hi s m o u t h a s n e a r , o r

•9 5BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

m e m o r y — a voic e whic h e n t e r s m y t h r o a t — I fee d h i m bits o f b r e a d . F o r o n e m o m e n t smel l w h a t h e m u s t smell . (I n thi s r o o m , b u r n i n g sa p a n d o v e r r i p e n e d fruit. ) It i s t h e s a m e e a r t h — h o u s e s , sidewalks , a smel l o f m o i s t u r e , cu t o p e n . T h e s a m e city .

I n m i d - A u g u s t I decid e t o leave . T o ge t awa y fro m t h e neighborhood. Disappear . My wa y o f g o i n g i s t h r o u g h a j ob o f n i g h t fireman at a children' s psychiatri c hospita l whic h give s r o o m a n d b o a r d . T h e hospita l itsel f i s a three-stor y r e d bric k building. It s drivewa y curve s t h r o u g h a stan d o f elm s whose leave s a r e p u r p l e a n d t h r o w s h a d e o n e i t h e r sid e of a serie s o f well-kep t lawns . " N o o n e els e knows, " I tel l M a r g a r e t a s i f t h e r e m i g h t b e s o m e b o n d b e t w e e n u s o t h e r t h a n indif ference. Outside he r windo w wome n com e t o th e hea d o f a n alley . T h e y rais e t h e i r h a n d s t o thei r lip s a n d cal l children home . "Shadows. Life . God' s m o u t h , " sh e direct s thes e women. I i g n o r e h e r a n d p o i n t o u t t h a t I wil l b e a t leas t twenty m i n u t e s fro m d o w n t o w n . A n d t h e n , a l t h o u g h I

•9 6DON JUDSO N

d o n ' t believ e i t myself , I tel l h e r C o m e r f o r d wil l tak e over t h e r e n t collections . " H e want s t h e s a m e deal, " I say , "a s i f i t w e r e stil l me." I n t h e hospita l I li e o n a b e d i n a larg e s q u a r e r o o m , a l o n g a c o r r i d o r filled wit h t h e office s o f doctor s a n d social workers . I m e m o r i z e escap e routes . T h e y hav e b e e n p o s t e d o n a m i r r o r abov e m y sink . Stay calm , i s r u l e n u m b e r one . Make s u r e t h e childre n r e m a i n t o g e t h e r d u r i n g evacuation. T h e r e a r e blu e a r r o w s a n d line s a l o n g whic h I ca n follow a p a t h t o safety . T h e children , mos t o f w h o m h a v e g o n e s o violen t t o w a r d thei r o w n selve s t h a t the y m u s t w e a r a n elaborat e g e t u p o f h e a d g e a r a n d t h u m b less glove s twenty-fou r h o u r s a day , woul d n o t b e inter ested i n thes e charts . At n i g h t I d r e a m o f fires. T h e securit y g u a r d , n i g h t n u r s e , a n d mysel f stan d o n a fron t lawn . W e h a v e save d ourselve s only . I ca n h e a r t h e children . T h e y b u r n lik e e m p t y walls .

I ge t u p a n d pis s d o w n t h e sin k d r a i n . A l t h o u g h i t i s nearl y five i n t h e a f t e r n o o n , t h e r e ar e p e o p l e i n c o n f e r e n c e j u s t outsid e m y d o o r . I s t a n d qui -

•9 7• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

etly fo r a m i n u t e a n d t h e n we t a clot h t o p u t ove r m y face agains t t h e h e a t a n d s u n . W h e n I wak e agai n t h e doctor s a n d socia l worker s have g o n e fo r t h e day . I wal k t o t h e b a t h r o o m w h e r e t h e r e i s a shower . Back i n m y r o o m I s m o k e cigarett e afte r cigarette .

O n W e d n e s d a y s , whic h i s m y onl y n i g h t off , I wal k t o a stripmall w h e r e I ca n ea t pizz a a n d d r i n k b e e r wit h p e o p l e I h a v e n e v e r see n before . I si t wit h t h e m , smil i n g — a t strangers , a t w a i t r e s s e s — a n d t h i n k a b o u t ev e r y o n e bac k i n t h e cit y w h o m u s t w o n d e r ho w o r wh y I have vanished . Rat . T a t o . T h e res t o f t h e m . T h e r e i s als o a movi e t h e a t e r i n t h e mal l a n d I s o m e t i m e s g o t o it . Always, I ' m bac k i n m y r o o m b y m i d n i g h t . " C h e c k i n g in, " I tel l t h e securit y g u a r d w h o mostl y uses a tin y offic e j u s t insid e t h e hallwa y w h e r e t h e r e i s a television a n d w h e r e h e ca n safel y ea t Percodans , b u t s o m e t i m e s I m u s t g o lookin g fo r h i m . O n c e h e wa s o u t by hi s ca r i n t h e p a r k i n g lot . "Look," h e said . T h e sk y h a d b e e n filled b y light s fallin g acros s it . " H a p p e n s ever y eight y year s o r so . S o m e t h i n g t o d o with a c o m e t . " H e h a n d e d m e a j o i nt hal f s m o k e d d o w n

•9 8• DON JUDSO N

a n d w e finishe d i t a n d stoo d starin g a t t h e sk y b u t I could tel l the y w e r e n o t s h o o t i n g star s a t all , onl y j e t s a n d attac k helicopter s fro m t h e a r m y base . " C a n yo u believ e it? " h e aske d m e . L a t e r t h a t s a m e n i g h t I wok e t o a terribl e s o u n d . I t h o u g h t i t wa s a n a l a r m a n d coul d barel y b r e a t h e . B u t i t t u r n e d o u t t o b e t h e securit y g u a r d callin g t o sa y t h a t s o m e o n e w a n t e d t o spea k wit h m e . T h e hospita l ha s a n old-fashioned A - b o a r d p h o n e system . I waited . T h e r e was a n audibl e his s a n d cracklin g s o u n d a n d t h e n Mar g a r e t c a m e o n t h e line . Sh e wa s speakin g u n d e r h e r breath. " H e ' s r i g h t outside, " sh e said . " W h o ? " I aske d a l t h o u g h I alread y u n d e r s t o o d h e r to m e a n T e d Williams . " H e followe d m e again. " "You s o u n d fa r away, " I said . " W h y ' d yo u call? " I raise d u p t o stu b a cigarett e o u t i n a n ashtra y I k e e p o n t h e sil l o f m y window . T h e light s h a d s t o p p e d in t h e sky , a n d b e y o n d a k n o t o f blac k I kne w t o b e woods fallin g of f t o m a r s h a n d sil t lan d w e r e no w visibl e t h e first fain t sign s o f t h e interstat e a n d t h e refinerie s which ris e abov e t h e ba y a t t h e city' s edge . "I kno w w h e r e yo u go, " I spok e int o t h e p h o n e , t h i n k i n g o f t h e d e s e r t e d railwa y t u n n e l , o f M a r g a r e t

-9 9• BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

offering h e r w i t h e r e d ti t t o b e p a l m e d b y filthy h a n d s , in d r e a m s o f what ? "I s a w — " W h i s p e r e d , s u d d e n l y a n g r y , w a n t i n g h e r to b e afraid , b u t u n s u r e o f w h a t h a d b e e n actua l a n d what not . " O h boy, " sh e l a u g h e d back . "Ye s ye s y e s — " t h e n , "Wait." T h e p h o n e wa s d r o p p e d a n d I coul d h e a r h e r i n t h e b a c k g r o u n d — s m a l l , rustlin g noises . I t w e n t o n fo r several m i n u t e s . "Did yo u forge t m e ? " I s h o u t e d . B u t she' d c o m e bac k o n again . "It' s al l right, " Mar garet b r e a t h e d . " H e ' s g o n e . . . . Okay . Listen . D o yo u r e m e m b e r y o u r friend , C o m e r f o r d ? " I sai d n o t h i n g . " T h e r e n t s I collec t myself . H e ' s b e e n al l t h e tim e right t h e r e i n t h a t r o o m . T h e r e wa s a smell . T h e n e i g h bors t h o u g h t : he' s d e a d . " B u t h e wa s j u st t h e r e i n t h a t r o o m . " T h e electricit y wa s t u r n e d off , onl y h e f o u n d a wa y to ge t i t back . I h a d t h e w a t e r s h u t d o w n . I sa w h i m . I w e n t t o a window . ' C o m e out, ' I tol d h i m . 'Please ; ca n you h e a r me? ' "I tol d h i m , I said : 'no w yo u m u s t leave, ' b u t he' s

• 10 0 DON JUDSO N

r i g h t t h e r e stil l today . I h a v e t o ge t a priest , o r s o m e o n e . . . . And you —I n e e d yo u t o help. "

I begi n t o b r e a k int o people' s houses . N o t t o stea l any thing. J u s t t o wal k t h r o u g h w h e r e the y belong . T h e first a r e i n t h e H i g h l a n d s , se t of f lik e tin y j e w e l ed parks . I t i s a plac e o f littl e worry . T h e s o u n d o f traffi c fro m t h e b o u l e v a r d o n e stree t belo w i s n o m o r e t h a n a whisper . T h e n i n n e i g h b o r h o o d s close r b y t h e hospital . I believ e t h a t t h e r e i s n o plac e t h a t doe s n o t se e you . O n c e , a n ol d w o m a n s t e p p e d r i g h t fro m t h e c e n t e r of a m i r a c u l o u s l i g h t — s h e wa s onl y gettin g of f a b u s b u t i t s e e m e d lik e a miracl e a t t h e time , a n d I decide d t o follow h e r . Sh e w e n t int o a sectio n o f street s filled wit h brown an d crea m duplexes . She walke d wit h smal l tid y step s a s i f eac h o n e w e r e a n a l l o t m e n t a n d di d n o t loo k u p o r t o t h e sid e eve n w h e n I passe d h e r severa l time s clos e by , d o u b l i n g back , trying t o m a k e h e r se e m e . I i m a g i n e t h a t wa s a t h i n g she'd l e a r n e d , n o t seeing , b u t i f a p e r s o n w e r e b e n t o n s o m e h a r m w h a t g o o d woul d i t d o h e r ? N o n e a t all , I ca n tel l yo u that . W h e n t h e ol d w o m a n starte d u p t o o n e o f t h e d u plexes n o differen t t h a n an y o f t h e others , I s t e p p e d back int o t h e shado w o f a b u i l d i n g acros s t h e street .

• 10 1 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

After a m i n u t e a ligh t w e n t o n i n h e r kitche n a n d I wa s s u r p r i s e d t o se e a m a n sa t t h e r e . H e ' d b e e n waitin g i n t h e d a r k . T h e m a n wa s b e n t forward , hi s ches t agains t a p e e l i n g meta l table , a n d t h e r e wa s a g r o w t h o n hi s neck . It looke d lik e fou r s h o r t fingers twine d t o g e t h e r . I t wa s white a n d b o b b e d u p a n d d o w n eac h tim e t h e m a n m o v e d hi s h e a d . W h i c h h e di d constantly . Lik e o n e o f those plasti c dog s i n a car' s bac k window . S o m e t h i n g was ver y w r o n g wit h thi s m a n b u t I couldn' t tel l yo u what. O n l y a n o t h e r p e r s o n lik e himsel f waitin g i n t h e d a r k w o u l d b e abl e t o u n d e r s t a n d suc h a p r o b l e m . T h e w o m a n fe d h i m a n d t h e n the y sa t t o g e t h e r a t t h e tabl e n o t s e e m i n g t o speak . Finall y t h e m a n go t u p a n d shuf fled ove r t o t h e window . Fo r a m o m e n t I believe d h e was lookin g o u t a t m e , a n d , startled , I m o v e d bac k against t h e building , b u t h e wa s onl y s t a n d i n g t h e r e t h i n k i n g a b o u t w h a t e v e r i t wa s t h a t wa s killin g h i m . W h a t ca n a m a n lik e t h a t tel l himsel f eac h m o r n i n g w h e n h e wake s u p ! I b e g a n i m a g i n i n g mysel f i n thei r h o m e a t a tim e w h e n the y w e r e o u t , t o u c h i n g hi s h a i r b r u s h a n d c o m b , t h e brittl e p a p e r fee l o f h e r u n d e r t h i n g s . I wa s over c o m e b y a sens e o f t h e quiet , t h e privat e qualit y o f silence the y m u s t h a v e o w n e d a n d I w a n t e d t o e n d al l of that . T h e n e x t wee k I g o bac k t o t h e a p a r t m e n t , early ,

• 10 2 • DON JUDSO N

carrying grocerie s i n b r o w n bag s whic h I fol d a n d stac k neatly insid e o n a c o u n t e r o n c e I'v e p o p p e d t h e fron t d o o r . Al l that' s n e e d e d i s a drivers ' license . T h e r o o m s of t h e a p a r t m e n t a r e close . D a r k a n d w i t h o u t air . T h e y a r e w e i g h t e d wit h objects . C h e a p p r i n t s a n d cutout s from m a g a z i n e s h a v e b e e n f r a m e d a n d h u n g o n t h e walls whic h a r e whit e u p h i g h a n d staine d a n d d a r k e n e d a l o n g t h e i r base . I find half-fille d glasse s o f wate r every w h e r e . C h i n a dogs , a n d doll s m a d e o f stra w a n d be decked wit h b r i g h t colore d ribbon s a n d piece s o f cloth . In o n e d r a w e r , p h o t o g r a p h s o f a beautifu l girl , m a n y o f t h e m blac k a n d white , curlin g a l o n g a n edge , place d carefully b e t w e e n clot h a n d showin g ove r a n d agai n t h e s a m e o r simila r scene . Roll s o f d i m e s a n d q u a r t e r s se t o n flowere d porcelai n b u t t e r dishes . O u t o f time . T h a t ' s ho w i t feels , a n d m e a s wel l . . . r e m o v e d , passing , g o n e . J u s t befor e five I

d r a w a h o t b a t h a n d clim b i n wit h

a bottl e o f win e a n d fou r Valiu m blu e tens . I la y o u t candle s i n eac h r o o m . P u t picture s fro m t h e walle t o f t h e m a n sho t sittin g i n hi s ca r a r o u n d o n m a n t l e s a n d a televisio n a n d dresse r top . A t s o m e p o i n t after decidin g t o ge t s o m e foo d I find mysel f i n o n e o f t h e bac k r o o m s o n a b e d , a n inceptio n o f t h e gir l fro m t h e p h o t o g r a p h s . . . i m a g i n e d, watchin g fo r signs . T h i s i s y o u — I whisper .

• 10 3 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

A n d , U s t o g e t h e r — a t t h e ver y m o m e n t I accep t t h e old w o m a n ' s small , neat , footfal l t o whic h I'v e give n birth begi n u p t h e bac k e n t r a n c e . B u t I r e m a i n froze n until t h e r e coul d b e t h e s o u n d o f a ke y i n it s lock , a n d t h e n , ver y a w a r e a n d wit h a carefu l m o t i o n , tak e a heav y glass b o o k e n d a n d ste p quickl y wit h i t b e h i n d a curtain . H o w ofte n h a v e I believe d befor e o r sinc e t h a t a particular tim e a n d plac e o f s o m e u n d e r s t a n d i n g h a d come, t h a t I a m int o s o m e t h i n g s o rea l t h a t i t c a n n o t b e taken back ? I ca n r e m e m b e r waitin g fo

r th e woma n

for her. H o w i f I l e a n e d forward , t h r o u g h a crac k b e t w e e n t h e c u r t a i n a n d a wal l a b u t m e n t , I woul d se e m y o w n reflection i n a d r e s s e r m i r r o r . T h e t h i n n e s t lin e o f bod y from wais t t o chest ; t h e d o o r s t o p hel d slightl y t o t h e side befor e a s h o u l d e r — f a c e halve d a n d m y righ t ey e p e e r i n g full y fro m t h e curtain' s e d g e . C a n yo u believ e m e w h e n I sa y t h a t thi s wa s b o t h m e a n d not ? A n d t h a t w h e n I clos e m y eye s now , h e r e , w h a t I find a t n i g h t i s n o m o r e t h a n this : C o m e r f o r d , hi s fingers w o r k i n g int o t h e earth' s fleshy knots , digging , wit h small a n i m a l patience .

P A R T II

W

hat Holgat e remembers : Across A v e n u e B a gu y s t e p p i n g fro m a n

illegally p a r k e d Cadilla c a n d b e g i n n i n g t o wal k t o w a r d h i m a n d BabyBoy . T h e gu y w o r e a loose-fittin g sil k sports jacket . Hi s shoes , i n t h e sun , a p p e a r e d almos t purple. W h a t else ? BabyBoy s t a n d i n g . H e ' d stoo d a n d r e a c h e d ove r hi s s h o u l d e r a n d t o u c h e d o n e o f t h e bag s o f cocain e ar r a n g e d o n t h e l e d g e — t h e r e w e r e fou r o f t h e m , o n e o u n c e each , i n clea r plasti c sandwic h bag s a n d the y w e r e n o t reall y h i d d e n , b u t onl y lai d o u t o f sigh t a l o n g t h e inside li p o f t h e w i n d o w i n fron t o f Friend s Socia l Club . And? T h e sun . H o w t h e s u n h a d felt . T h e da y s o clos e i t s e e m e d a s i f i t w e r e b e i n g d r a w n t h r o u g h asphalt . A s i f s o m e w h e r e j u s t o u t o f sigh t t h e city w e r e b u r n i n g a n d b u r n i n g . . . . 107

• 10 8 • DON JUDSO N

T h i s wa s u p i n Fiv e Points . T h e gu y wa s n o t sup posed t o ge t o u t o f hi s car . H e wa s s u p p o s e d t o onl y drive ove r a n d ask . T h a t wa s it . Excep t no w h e ' d b e e n right t h e r e i n fron t o f H o l g a t e a n d BabyBo y shiverin g slightly i n t h e heat . T h e gu y h a d looke d t o b e m a y b e forty year s old . T h e r e w e r e blac k s m u d g e s o n hi s fore h e a d . Hi s eye s b u s t e d o u t lik e Cok e bottles . " H e y kid, " h e ' d asked , "yo u go t a g u n ? " H o l g a t e r e m e m b e r s choosin g n o t t o u n d e r s t a n d thi s question. O f t h i n k i n g i n a n g e r h o w h e a n d BabyBo y h a d w o r k e d t h e c o r n e r fo r o n e m o n t h now , unti l t h a t m o m e n t nicke l a n d d i m e only , t r u e e n o u g h , b u t h a d w o r k e d i t n o n e t h e l e s s sellin g d o p e fo r o n e o f t h e m o s t feared m e n i n t h e city . Plus , sinc e befor e h e wa s grown , BabyBoy b e i n g talke d o f a s crazy . T h e y di d n o t believ e t h a t a n y o n e woul d fuc k wit h t h e m . H o l g a t e h a d n o t t h o u g h t i t possible . S o m e o n e fro m outsid e t h e n e i g h b o r h o o d , a n Ital ian, i s c o m i n g wit h t h e m o n e y — t h a t ' s w h a t they' d b e e n told. Wai t fo r a guy . F o r tw o h o u r s they' d waited . N o w t h e gu y s h o w e d — e y e s whacked , a n d hai r look ing lik e i t h a d j u s t b e e n d y e d wit h s o m e t h i n g c h e a p , r u n n i n g i n blac k streak s d o w n o n t o hi s f o r e h e a d — a n d w a n t e d t o as k suc h a question .

• 10 9 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

"A g u n , kid, " h e ' d r e p e a t e d , s p e a k i n g u p cheerfull y as i f r e q u e s t i n g t h e t i m e — " I aske d yo u go t a g u n . " In t h a t m o m e n t H o l g a t e h a d u n d e r s t o o d , h e ' d see n in hi s m i n d t h e C a d d i e , recalle d i t drivin g b y severa l times earlier , eac h tim e slowin g a n d nearl y s t o p p i n g a t t h e e n d o f t h e street . H e ' d see n i n o n e m o m e n t a n d h a d k n o w n t h e n w h a t wa s coming , a s wel l a s wha t h e h a d t o do, n o t t h i n k i n g really , hi s b o d y instea d tellin g h i m , j e r k i n g bac k a n d immediatel y t o t h e left . B u t t h e guy' s h a n d h a d alread y c o m e a r o u n d fro m u n d e r n e a t h hi s jacket a n d b r o u g h t t h e b a r r e l o f a sawed-of f s h o t g u n across Holgate' s f o r e h e a d . " G o d d a m n , " H o l g a t e h a d tol d t h e guy , "loo k w h a t you d o n e h e r e . " H e ' d trie d t o s t a n d b u t h a d b e e n hi t again , causin g his knee s t o g o out . H o l g a t e r e m e m b e r s al l o f this . H e i s sittin g i n t h e office o f Centeio , t h e m a n h e sell s d o p e for . B o t h h e a n d BabyBoy , who' s waitin g i n t h e hallway , hav e b e e n b r o u g h t h e r e b y Centeio' s e n f o r c e r a n d b o d y g u a r d , Lyle. C e n t e i o w o u l d lik e t o kno w w h a t h a p p e n e d . "Tel l m e , " h e says . "Tel l m e w h a t yo u r e m e m b e r . " T h e r e ar e c h e a p catgu t stitche s p u t int o Holgate' s face b y t h e ol d abortionis t w h o h a n d l e s suc h things . H e can fee l t h e m b u r n i n t h e ski n o f hi s f o r e h e a d w h e n e v e r

• 11 0 • DON JUDSO N

h e stiffen s agains t t h e a c h e whic h ha s b e g u n t h e r e . T h e r o b b e r y itsel f h a d t a k e n plac e n o m o r e t h a n t h r e e h o u r s before. A r o b b e r y , a s C e n t e i o ha s r e m i n d e d him , o f over tw o t h o u s a n d dollar s w o r t h o f his cocaine . A n d BabyBoy . C e n t e i o woul d lik e t o kno w a b o u t BabyBoy. I f h e r a n . "Because , a m a n r u n , " C e n t e i o explains, " I suspec t t h a t m a n o f t r e a c h e r o u s intent . I t m e a n h e m i g h t o f se t u p t h e r o b b e r y hi s ow n self . . . . Maybe, m a y b e not . But , a t best , a m a n r u n , h e go t n o h e a r t . T h a t m a n leavin ' my shi t t o b e taken . "Either way , e x a m p l e ' s g o n n a b e set. " It i s ver y d a r k i n t h e r o o m . H o l g a t e look s towar d t h e window , tightl y s h u t t e r e d , a n d t h e n bac k i n t h e direction o f Centeio' s voice . H e think s o f h o w Lyl e h a d b r o u g h t h i m a n d BabyBoy , j u st severa l m i n u t e s earlier , to t h e office ; a n d h o w h e ' d s t o p p e d BabyBo y outsid e t h e d o o r a n d p o i n t e d h i m coldl y t o a chair . I t seem s t o have b e e n d e c i d e d t h a t he , u n w o u n d e d , i s n o t w o r t h anyone's b r e a t h . H o l g a t e consider s thi s a n d finds him self u n s u r p r i s e d t h a t hi s friend' s lif e wil l b e decide d so cheaply . "You positive, " C e n t e i o d e m a n d s . "Yo u s u r e h e ain't r u n . " "Yeah," H o l g a t e lies . " I ' m sure. " T h e r e i s silence . C e n t e i o t h e n ver y deliberatel y t u r n s o n a l a m p . "Okay, " h e b r e a t h e s softly . "Okay .

• 11 1 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

T h e n tel l m e this . Tel l m e t h e o n e t h i n g I as k o f al l p e o p l e b e e n w o r k i n g fo r m e ? " H e stare s h a r d a t Hol gate. C e n t e i o i s a m a n a s n o t o r i o u s a s Icy-Joh n D e e eve r was, ye t H o l g a t e feel s n o n e e d t o giv e a n o p i n i o n . H e knows ful l wel l t h a t formerl y t h e o n e t h i n g aske d wa s n e v e r t o hassl e a c u s t o m e r , b u t h e als o realize s thi s r u l e is a b o u t t o b e a d d e d o n t o r i g h t t h e r e a s i f t h e a d d e d o n h a d alway s b e e n t h e onl y t h i n g i n existence . "I d o n ' t know, " H o l g a t e tell s h i m . With a g r e a t sigh , C e n t e i o sit s back , almos t delicat e despite hi s bulk , a n d tent s b o t h h a n d s b e h i n d hi s h e a d . "Robbery," h e whispers . " D o n ' t le t n o bitc h r o b yo u i s w h a t I sa y a n d say. " Afte r a m i n u t e h e o p e n s a d r a w e r a n d carefull y place s a .4 5 calibe r h a n d g u n o n t h e desk' s e d g e i n fron t o f H o l g a t e . " T h i s i n s u r a n c e n u m b e r o n e , " h e b r e a t h e s . " A n d that, " g e s t u r i n g wit h a sof t flourish t o w a r d Lyle , "tha t wil l b e i n s u r a n c e n u m b e r two. "

** He

*

*

c a m e firs t i n a smallis h van , it s window s se t ove r

with a stee l m e s h lik e t h e stat e b u s whic h h a d d r o p p e d h i m t h e r e t h r e e year s before , b u t n o w h e c a m e alone , sitting freelegge d o n t h e bolte d w o o d e n b e n c h , tryin g t o force hi s t h o u g h t s int o s o m e s h a p e t h r o u g h whic h h e m i g h t late r recal l a fixed p o i n t o f u n d e r s t a n d i n g ; ye t

• 11 2 • DON JUDSO N

could not , n o t i n g instea d onl y t h e b e n c h , t h e s h a p e o f t h e wheelwell , a n d smel l o f t h e ciga r o f t h e c o p u p front. I n n o n e o f thes e w h a t h e ' d seen , b u t themselve s a l o n e — s o t h a t he , passin g d o w n t h e t h i n backroa d w h e r e trailer s o f priso n g u a r d s sa t of f i n t h e h e a t b e h i n d a n o n y m o u s motels , t h e trailer' s yard s boxlik e a n d m e a s u r e d b y tripl e s t r a n d s o f fenc e wire , coul d fin d littl e m e a n i n g w h e n h e m o s t nearl y n e e d e d it , passin g to o s o m e severa l r u n o f f p o n d s besid e whic h t h e tree s t h i n n e d a n d bird s o f a n exac t whit e w e r e see n se t against t h e sk y (eac h i m p r i n t e d agains t i t a s a single , perfect letter) . A n d i n thes e a s wel l u n a b l e t o find t h e idea h e w a n t e d , seein g instea d this is . . . . Crossin g tw o o r m o r e set s o f railroa d track s a n d t h e n intersection s a n d a town' s e d g e t o pul l u p finally befor e it s bus^termi nal w h e r e , uncuffe d a n d possesse d o f o n e h u n d r e d dol lars a n d a ticke t a s a g o o d b y e fro m t h e state , h e f o u n d all o f w h a t h e ' d i m a g i n e d wa s los t a n d i t wa s n o m o r e t h a n h i m , s t a n d i n g i n a s t r a n g e tow n a n d waitin g t o go h o m e .

P e r h a p s a n h o u r outsid e t h e cit y the y p u l l e d int o a large p a r k i n g lot . A t o n e e n d w e r e b a t h r o o m s a n d som e telephones an d vendin g machines . H e thre w wate r o n

• 11 3 BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

his fac e a n d h a i r a n d t h e n stoo d outside . E v e r y t h i n g wa s s h a d o w e d b e n e a t h endles s row s o f ar c lights . O n t h e G r e y h o u n d h e ' d trie d t o r e a d a n e w s p a p e r b u t fel t suspect . T h e y ' d g o n e pas t n o n d e s c r i p t , weath e r e d town s whic h c a m e u p fro m n o w h e r e a n d t h e n j u s t as quickl y w e r e swallowe d b y hill s a n d f a r m l a n d . T h e towns al l looke d t h e same . Grass y c o m m o n s wit h o n e o r two statue s a n d a fak e c a n n o n . S o m e benches . A c h u r c h a n d severa l stores . T h e n a n outlyin g fring e o f statel y h o m e s , wel l li t a n d silen t a n d w h e r e h e sa w n o o n e sav e o n c e a w o m a n o n a fron t p o r c h . T h e w o m a n h a d b e e n of a n i n d e t e r m i n a t e a g e a n d wa s skinn y a n d w o r e a n ol d blue sweater . B e h i n d h e r , t h e window s o f h e r h o u s e h a d b e e n b o a r d e d over . H o l g a t e h a d t u r n e d a t t h a t a n d i t s e e m e d a s i f t h e w o m a n m i g h t wave , b u t sh e onl y r e a c h e d fo r s o m e t h i n g i n t h e d a r k n e s s o f t h e p o r c h . Later, cloud s c a m e d o w n int o t h e night . A n d star s j u s t abov e a n d a r o u n d t h e m . T h e y sa t lik e small , h u n gry animals .

F r o m eigh t o'cloc k t o m i d n i g h t h e f o u n d a j ob w a s h i n g dishes a t t h e millwork s i n a railroa d d i n e r whic h h a d two r o o m s buil t o n t o it . W h e n hi s shif t e n d e d h e woul d neatly fol d o n e o f t h e fou r whit e a p r o n s h e ' d b e e n as -

• 11 4 • DON JUDSO N

signed a n d la y i t o n a pil e i n t h e w a s h r o o m a n d t h e n take of f hi s c h e a p r u b b e r boot s a n d se t t h e m b e n e a t h a coatrack b y t h e bac k d o o r . T h e ol d m a n w h o w o r k e d t h r o u g h breakfas t w o u l d alread y b e a t t h e m a c h i n e , a cigarette, usuall y unlit , d a n g l i n g cocke d fro m o n e cor n e r o f hi s m o u t h . "My friend, " t h e ol d m a n alway s g r e e t e d h i m . T h e d i n e r , b y twelv e thirty , wa s b e t w e e n shift s o f c u s t o m e r s a s w e l l — t h o s e fro m mid-town , t h e t h e a t e r ticket affluen t lookin g t o balanc e thei r n i g h t wit h a tast e of " a t m o s p h e r e " woul d b e g o n e o r soo n leaving ; a n d t h e cop s a n d hollowe d o u t d r i n k e r s w e r e s o m e h o u r s still fro m thei r r e g u l a r r o u n d s — s o H o l g a t e woul d writ e himself a ticke t a n d t h e n sit , elbow s o n e i t h e r sid e o f a n o b l o n g plat e o f h a s h a n d eggs , listenin g t o t h e tal k o f those fe w holdover s o r earl y arrival s w h o sa t scattere d a r o u n d h i m . After , h e walke d t h e cit y unti l d a w n . H e ' d go, a s h e h a d year s before , u p t o t h e T e n d e r l o i n w h e r e t h e p a r k s w e r e a n d w a n d e r thei r paths , goin g d o w n int o d a r k n e s s b y t h e b o a t h o u s e a t G r a m e r c y t o swea t t h e dealers o n b e n c h e s b y t h e lakesid e carousel , a n d t h e w h o r e s a n d t h e i r p i m p s s t e p p i n g u p fro m n o w h e r e , a n d t h e n bac k o u t o n t o t h e a v e n u e o n c e m o r e sweatin g h a r d as wel l whit e boy s a n d Latino s w h o showe d of f g a n g colors a n d stoo d l e a n i n g t o w a r d o n e a n o t h e r o n cor ners, waiting .

• 11 5 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

East Sid e Boyz , the y said . Fuck wit h m e o r m i n e , yo u go t t o die . B u t i t s e e m e d h e wa s invisible , o r i m m u n e fro m h a r m . H e alway s e n d e d i n t h e n e i g h b o r h o o d o f Fiv e Points, c u t t i n g t h r o u g h t h e backwa y b y t h e switchyard , t h e tie s grassgrow n n o w — b o t t l e s , a n d boxe s o f mill b o a r d , a n d c o n d o m s u s e d o r n o t besid e t h e railtrack , t h e trai n car s themselve s s u n f a d e d , t h e i r letterin g g o n e , R&D o r Union Pacific a n outlin e b u t n o m o r e ; a n d t h e n o n t h e street s pas t espress o shop s a n d socia l club s w h e r e of a s u m m e r n i g h t Italian s i n shirtsleeve s a n d s m o k i n g c h e a p cigar s woul d si t o n cardtabl e chair s r a n g e d alon g t h e sidewal k whil e b e h i n d t h e m y o u n g e r m e n wolfis h i n suits o f t h r e e - h u n d r e d - d o l l a r sil k waite d nervously , thei r eyes n e v e r still—pas t t h e s e a n d t h e C h i n e s e r e s t a u r a n t s as wel l w h e r e h e ' d o n c e b o u g h t fo r fifteen

cent s o n

S a t u r d a y m o r n i n g s cho w m e i n sandwiches , thic k a n d h o t a n d r u n n i n g ove r t h e e d g e o f a h a m b u r g e r rol l w r a p p e d i n wa x p a p e r . Al l o f t h a t u n c h a n g e d , a n d t h e music store s a n d t h e b r o k e n d o w n t h e a t e r whic h be came, a t varie d time s ove r t h e years , alway s shortlived , this busines s o r that , a n d t h e p a w n s h o p s , a n d alley s w h e r e stil l slep t s t r e e t d r u n k s o n piece s o f c a r d b o a r d . "O, mos t blesse d hol y F a t h e r , " t h e d r u n k s some times calle d o u t . H o l g a t e w o u l d bu y coffe e a n d a hal f d o z e n d o u g h -

• 11 6 DON JUDSO N

n u t s i n a j u st o p e n e d s h o p , t h e C r o w n , o r C o r n e r Deli , a n d g o wit h t h e m t o hi s r o o m w h e r e h e ' d si t r e a d i n g himself t o sleep . B y a f t e r n o o n h e ' d b e u p again , catch ing a b u s d o w n t o w n t o t h e a t e r s w h e r e k u n g f u movie s played ove r a n d agai n endlessly . S o m e t i m e s watchin g for a s h o r t whil e a n d t h e n walkin g o n c e m o r e , t h i n k i n g to himself— What am I doing here. Back? —but i

n hi s

m i n d sayin g i n answer , n o m o r e t h a n passin g time . J u s t that, passin g time . A n d o n o n e suc h a f t e r n o o n , u n d e r n e a t h a sk y blu e a n d e m p t i e d o f clouds , h e ' d walke d d o w n t o t h e pavilio n a t Bell e Poin t a n d f o u n d sittin g a t o p a b e n c h b a c k , BabyBo y g r i n n i n g a s h e rolle d a j o i n t. "Mister H . , " BabyBo y m u r m u r e d simply . H o l g a t e looke d a r o u n d a s i f u n s u r e fo r a m o m e n t of w h e r e h e w e r e a n d t h e n s h r u g g e d a n d sa t d o w n o n t h e ston e sid e a r m o f t h e b e n c h . "Yo u n e v e r know . Yo u j u s t n e v e r fuckin ' know. " " T h a t ' s it, " BabyBo y a g r e e d . H e d a m p e d d o w n o n e e n d o f t h e j o i n t a n d f o u n d a m a t c h a n d trie d severa l small hits , checkin g t h e p a p e r afte r eac h o n e t o se e t h a t it wa s b u r n i n g evenl y befor e h e finally too k a single , d e e p pull . " O h yes, " h e w h i s p e r e d , exhaling , " t h e p a u s e t h a t refreshes . "Indulge." H o l g a t e too k t h e j o i nt fro m h i m d r a w i n g o n i t wit h short tokes .

• 11 7 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

"You b e e n g o n e awhile, " BabyBo y smiled . " D o n e s o m e rea l g a n g s t e r time. " " W h a t a b o u t e v e r y o n e else , w h e r e a r e they? " "Like t h e s o n g goes , 'I f folk s ain' t d e a d o r g o n e the y m u s t b e i n jail.' " "Rat?" " H e wa s a r o u n d . I d o n ' t kno w now. " "Clay?" "Busted." H o l g a t e too k a n o t h e r hi t a n d hel d hi s b r e a t h care fully befor e lettin g o u t onl y a s h a d o w o f smoke . H e cocked hi s h e a d , s u r p r i s e d b y t h e potenc y o f t h e d o p e a n d shifte d forwar d o n t h e b e n c h . " B u t chec k us, " BabyBo y tol d h i m r e a c h i n g t h e j o i n t from hi s h a n d . " Y o u n g , white , a n d t r u e t o life. " BabyBoy l a u g h e d a t that . " T r u e t o life, " h e r e p e a t e d , a n d s o m e o f t h e ol d m e n w h o like d t o d r i n k win e a n d pla y ches s o n table s set a l o n g t h e pavilion' s insid e wal l w h e r e t h e r e wa s s h a d e a n d quie t a n d w h e r e the y m e t eac h a f t e r n o o n glanced u p t h e n a t t h e s o u n d o f hi s voice , a n intrusion , a n d BabyBoy , i n t u r n a n d w i t h o u t feelin g smile d a t t h e m — h i s fac e quickl y a fac e t h r o u g h b a d glass , hi s eyes j u s t a s quic k g o n e d e a d , a n d liftin g o u t w a r d b o t h a r m s i n e x a g g e r a t e d b e s e e c h m e n t stoo d t o fac e t h e m . "Old m e n , " h e said , "what' s u p ? "

• 11 8 • DON JUDSO N

A n d the y looke d away . Yet BabyBoy , r e a d y t o sho w off , wa s n o t willin g t o let i t pass . " T h e r e isn' t an y o u t t o this , i f I d o n ' t want, " h e w a r n e d t h e m . "It' s a situation , a n d yo u lost. " O n l y w h e n t h e m e n woul d sa y n o t h i n g t o f u r t h e r a n g e r h i m , di d BabyBo y finally si t d o w n o n c e again . B u t h e wasn' t d o n e . "Do yo u t h i n k I giv e a shit? " h e aske d loudl y o f no one . BabyBoy h a d a h a n d s o m e , stupi d face . Hi s h a i r h a d b e e n cu t u p int o a kin d o f fad e whic h m a d e h i m loo k like picture s o f t h e ol d fighter J a c k D e m p s e y . T h e M a n nassa M a u l e r , H o l g a t e r e m e m b e r e d . BabyBo y wa s d a r k like h i m too . D e m p s e y h a d b e e n smal l a n d quick , w h e n he'd move d i n o n large r m e n h e ha d bobbe d an d weaved belo w t h e i r p u n c h e s . H o l g a t e wa s n o t sur e i f this wa s t h e wa y BabyBo y woul d fight b u t h e u n d e r stood h i m t o w a n t n o t h i n g m o r e t h a n t o h u r t o n e o f the men . "Silly i s w h a t the y are, " h e finally sai d t u r n i n g t o H o l g a t e w h o listene d fo r t h e m t o tel l h i m s o m e t h i n g back, b u t t h e m o m e n t h a d passe d a n d t h e r e w o u l d b e n o trouble . I t wa s quie t e n o u g h t h a t h e coul d h e a r leaves blo w acros s t h e pavilio n floor. A n d h e t h o u g h t

• 11 9 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

t h e n t h a t i t wa s BabyBo y i n fac t w h o wa s sill y a n d t h a t w h a t h e h a d d o n e , a s h a d alway s b e e n t h e wa y wit h h i m , t h o u g h thi s tim e o f n o rea l c o n s e q u e n c e , serve d littl e reason, a n d s u d d e n l y u n c o m f o r t a b l e , H o l g a t e looke d away t o t h e larg e p a v e d lo t n e x t t o t h e pavilio n w h e r e t h e r e w e r e swin g set s a n d a fountai n a n d a lon g ro w o f partially b o a r d e d - u p concessio n stands . Severa l childre n tossed rock s a t t h e stand s wit h littl e a p p a r e n t interest . S u n glinte d of f o f a b r o k e n windo w a n d s u r r o u n d e d t h e children wit h light . T h e y stoo d i n i t pickin g rock s fro m the ground , an d a s Holgat e watche d the m h e remem b e r e d h o w w h e n h e himsel f h a d b e e n y o u n g , n i n e year s old, a n d o n A v e n u e B h a d b e e n struc k a n d t h r o w n b y t h e fron t b u m p e r o f a truc k i t wa s BabyBo y w h o ' d firs t r e a c h e d h i m . "Littl e M a n , " BabyBo y h a d s p o k e n , "yo u a r e ver y m u c h crazy. " I t wa s a g a m e . H o l g a t e a n d hi s friends w o u l d d a r e t h e cars , c u t t i n g i n fron t o f t h e m a n d seein g w h o coul d c o m e closes t t o b e i n g hit . T h e y yeasted o n e a n o t h e r u p tryin g t o sho w o u t fo r t h e t e e n agers, suc h a s BabyBoy , w h o watche d a n d too k bets . N o o n e h a d eve r c o m e n e a r t o b e a t i n g H o l g a t e w h e n o n e boy, ne w t o t h e g a m e a n d t o t h e n e i g h b o r h o o d , passe d so clos e t o a ca r o n hi s firs t tr y t h a t meta l nicke d u p t h e tail o f hi s shirt . H o l g a t e h a d fel t hi s positio n challenged . T r u l y , h e u n d e r s t o o d , i t coul d onl y b e i g n o r a n c e whic h

• 12 0 • DON JUDSO N

h a d allowe d t h e o t h e r bo y suc h c o u r a g e , a n d ye t i t d i d n ' t m a t t e r . H o l g a t e h a d b e n t d o w n a n d retie d hi s shoes a n d waite d fo r a m i n u t e , t i m i n g t h e car s fro m t h e walk a n d givin g himsel f a hal f ste p les s t h a n h e k n e w h e n e e d e d . Still , H o l g a t e h a d almos t m a d e it . I t wa s a smal l p a n e l truc k a n d swerve d towar d instea d o f awa y fro m h i m a n d h e ' d w a t c h e d i t c o m e a n d t h o u g h t i n hi s m i n d , There, now, w h e n i t hit . A s i f b y t h e ac t o f striking , t h e truck to o b e c a m e , lik e BabyBoy' s voic e u r g i n g abov e t h e o t h e r s H o l g a t e t o g o fo r it , i n t h e m o m e n t o f hitting , b o t h truc k a n d voic e a s i f they w e r e him a n d w a n t i n g what h a d c o m e , a n d later , o n a b e d i n a r o o m wit h hig h b a r e windows , listenin g agai n t o BabyBoy' s voice , hi s face p u s h i n g pas t others , smiling , "Yo u m i g h t w a n t t o start a r e t i r e m e n t f u n d , " a n d forcin g int o Holgate' s h a n d m o n e y w o n o n h i m fro m bets , s o tha t thi s to o b e c a m e p a r t o f a stor y whic h hel d t h e m loosel y ove r t h e years. A n d H o l g a t e u n d e r s t o o d t h a t i t wa s t h e stor y itself, tol d ove r a n d a g a i n — s o m e o n e r e m e m b e r i n g , say ing, I wa s t h e r e , I saw , t h u s gainin g a m e m o r y o f t h e m selves, a p o i n t fro m whic h t o m e a s u r e — I wa s t h e r e ; a n d t h e stor y ove r tim e b e c o m i n g o n e piec e o f t h e n e i g h b o r h o o d ' s mythology . A t it s center , Holgate' s n a m e linke d t o BabyBoy ; i t wa s this , livin g t o g e t h e r within a particula r m o m e n t , whic h j o i n e d t h e m , a n d n o t h i n g m o r e . Ye t still , o n occasion , a s i f h e to o be -

• 12 1 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

lieved, BabyBo y like d t o ac t t h e o l d e r b r o t h e r t o Holgate. "Got t o schoo l yo u t o t h e ne w s h i t — , " h e b e g a n now, satisfie d h e ' d cowe d t h e severa l ol d m e n , b u t H o l gate wa s n o l o n g e r listening . H e c o n c e n t r a t e d hi s atten tion instea d o n t h e c h i l d r e n a n d trie d t o f r a m e i n hi s mind throug h the m a memor y o f wha t h e ha d know n i n t h e secon d befor e t h e truck . O n t h a t day , e v e r y t h i n g h a d s t o p p e d : s o u n d , t h e ligh t whic h h e l d j u s t of f a building's w i n d o w — a n d i n it , a y o u n g gir l s u s p e n d e d c o m i n g i n hal f ste p fro m a doorway . A r o u n d h i m al l o f it u n r e a l , t h e city , t h e s t r e e t — " T h e r e , " H o l g a t e h a d said, w i t h o u t choice , w i t h o u t struggle . T h e n b e i n g hit . A n d t h a t to o a kin d o f f r e e d o m . H e trie d t o i m a g i n e i t o n c e again , a n d a s h e di d H o l g a t e w a t c h e d t h e children , w h o h a d walke d t o t h e park' s e d g e a n d crosse d t h e a v e n u e t o a sectio n o f w a r e h o u s e s , chai n linke d a n d b a r r e d acros s t h e i r front s fo r t h e mos t p a r t o n a Satur day a f t e r n o o n , a n d t h e c h i l d r e n wen t slowl y pas t thes e as H o l g a t e w a t c h e d a n d t h e n u p a n alle y a n d o u t o n t o a n o t h e r stree t w h e r e the y d i s a p p e a r e d s u d d e n l y a m o n g t h e t e n e m e n t s a s i f t h e cit y h a d o p e n e d a n d w i t h o u t t h o u g h t swallowe d t h e c h i l d r e n whole . T h e r e , i s w h a t H o l g a t e h a d said , a s i f h e ' d b e e n waiting. Now.

• 12 2 • DON JUDSO N

A win d c a m e of f a n d acros s D e x t e r Stree t pickin g u p scrap s o f n e w s p a p e r a n d smal l bit s o f stationer y a n d debris fro m vacan t lot s a n d t h r e w t h e m a r o u n d Hol gate's fee t a n d int o alle y m o u t h s a n d agains t t h e build ing's fronts . A l t h o u g h i t wa s a w a r m n i g h t h e h a d o n a blue, h o o d e d sweatshir t a s di d BabyBoy . H o l g a t e pulle d at t h e clot h o f hi s a l o n g t h e t h r o a t tryin g o n c e m o r e t o loosen it s b i n d i n g . H e swor e softly . BabyBo y looke d u p a n d shoo k hi s h e a d . I n silenc e the y m a d e thei r wa y pas t a N e w Yor k syste m r e s t a u r a n t , a n d a tobacc o s h o p , o n e wall o f whic h wa s a m a g a z i n e rac k wit h a n i m m e n s e , paint-specked m i r r o r r u n n i n g fro m floor t o ceilin g be h i n d it , a n d a t t h e c o r n e r b y t h e P o r t u g u e s e liquo r stor e they t u r n e d r i g h t o n t o C o w d e n a n d int o t h e n e i g h b o r hoods. It wa s t h e sixteent h da y o f May . It wa s t h e secon d m o n t h o f hi s f r e e d o m . It wa s t h e t h i r d n i g h t o f t h e first wee k H o l g a t e h a d b e g u n livin g wit h Cheryl , w h o wa s crazy , ye t w h o h e w a n t e d t o liv e with ; a n d i t was , h e knew , bac k a t work , almost precisel y t h e m o m e n t hi s bos s woul d b e firing h i m fo r missin g consecutiv e shifts . B u t i t d i d n ' t m a t t e r . Halfway d o w n t h e block , a t n u m b e r sixty-eight , Ba byBoy halted , hi s fee t shiftin g i n plac e a s h e looke d from lef t t o right . " W h e r e t h e flavor is, " h e said , a s m u c h a questio n a s a statement .

• 12 3 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

H o l g a t e , w i t h o u t r e s p o n s e , starte d u p t h e building' s drive t o w a r d a smal l b u n g a l o w whic h sa t t h e r e a m o n g t h e t e n e m e n t s . H e w e n t a r o u n d t o it s back . S o m e w h e r e from a n a p a r t m e n t ' s o p e n windo w of f t o t h e lef t severa l voices w e r e raise d i n l a u g h t e r . " I d i d n ' t sa y the," o n e rose abov e t h e rest , insistent : " W h a t I said . I sai d like. Like t h e fucke n t h i n g . " T h e o t h e r s w a s h e d ove r h i m o n c e m o r e . O u t i n th e stree t a ca r rattle d by , s p e e d i n g , a n d t h e n was g o n e . H o l g a t e i g n o r e d al l o f this . H e focuse d o n a single, exac t p o i n t o f yello w ligh t lef t o n abov e t h e d o o r of t h e b u n g a l o w . H e stoo d b e n e a t h i t impatientl y set tling a stockin g m a s k ove r hi s fac e a n d pullin g t h e h o o d of hi s sweatshir t u p a n d fastenin g it s drawstrings . I n hi s right h a n d wa s a f o u r t e e n inc h basebal l ba t partiall y hollowed o u t a n d filled wit h lea d solder . BabyBo y h a d the gun . H o l g a t e n o d d e d t o h i m a n d knocke d t w i c e — a spac e b e t w e e n each . H e m o v e d bac k int o t h e shadows . Almost i m m e d i a t e l y t h e d o o r wa s s w u n g o p e n b y a tall, d a r k - s k i n n e d m a n i n g r e e n , children' s sunglasses , his h a i r slicke d elaboratel y u p b e n e a t h a s n a p - b r i m hat . "Yeah," h e b e g a n , b u t finding

BabyBo

y standin

g

t h e r e — t h e h o o d a n d stockin g mask , a g u n hel d o u t from hi s s h o u l d e r , hesitated . " W h a t , " h e finally said ; "yo u playin' , right? "

• 12 4 • DON JUDSO N

M o t h s ticke d b y t h e socke t l a m p j u s t abov e t h e m a n ' s h e a d . T h e y b u m p e d pas t a n d int o t h e r o o m be y o n d , whic h a p p e a r e d w a s h e d o f colo r sav e a c a l e n d a r o n a fa r c o r n e r wall . J e s us o n t h e c a l e n d a r wa s offerin g before himsel f lik e a gif t hi s b l o o d - r i m m e d a n d shinin g h e a r t . H o l g a t e coul d se e it . H e sa w tha t a n d t h e yello w light a l o n e a s h e s t e p p e d o n t o t h e p o r c h a n d s w u n g t h e bat ful l acros s t h e b r i d g e o f t h e bi g m a n ' s nose , a n d t h e n takin g t h e ba t i n b o t h h a n d s shove d h i m bac k inside t h e r o o m w h e r e t h r e e slightl y o l d e r guys , o n e o f t h e m partiall y rise n fro m hi s seat , w e r e g a t h e r e d a r o u n d a cardtable . "So n o f a bitch, " t h e o n e w h o h a d hal f stood u p swore , a n d BabyBoy , followin g clos e b e h i n d Holgate, brough t th e g u n u p an d showe d i t t o him . T h e m a n sat . H e a n d t h e o t h e r s looke d carefull y bac k d o w n at t h e m o n e y a n d scattere d card s befor e t h e m . "All right, " BabyBo y b r e a t h e d t h r o u g h hi s m o u t h . "Okay." T h e y w e r e i n a kitchen . Brightl y lit . A secon d fold o u t tabl e wa s se t u p wit h col d cut s a n d plate s o f b r e a d . Above it , t h e c a l e n d a r h u n g fro m a stri p o f t a p e . F u r t h e r off , o n a r u i n e d c o u n t e r , a cloc k a n d severa l bottle s of wine . A d e n t e d ti n coffe e pot . O n e o r tw o cups . Pipe s w e r e c a p p e d of f w h e r e t h e ove n h a d o n c e b e e n . It wa s a plac e they' d c o m e t o a n d tha t wa s all . Hol gate trie d t o recogniz e i t a s such . H e glance d d o w n a t

• 12 5 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

t h e pisto l i n BabyBoy' s h a n d a n d t h o u g h t : Yo u a r e o u r lawyer, o u r lover , o u r bes t friend . T h a t ' s w h a t h e w a n t e d . T o u n d e r s t a n d s o m e t h i n g whic h coul d n o t h e l p b u t b e w h a t i t was . W h i c h w o u l d i n s u r e t h e r o b b e r y a n d himself . "This wil l b e fine," h e ' d sai d ove r a n d again . Yet, instead , t h e whol e t h i n g quickl y b e c a m e bal a n c e d o n a n e d g e i n way s i t wasn' t s u p p o s e d t o go . For o n e , BabyBo y b e g a n takin g hi s t i m e — u n w i l l ing, i t s e e m e d t o m o v e a s they' d a g r e e d , a n d afte r tellin g t h e m e n t o p u t t h e i r belonging s o n t h e table , w e n t look ing fo r a r a d i o se t t o b e t u r n e d o n . "Lose t h e jewelry, " h e said . "Mak e a n e a t pile . Rings, t h e n watches . . . . "Wallets last, " h e a d d e d . H o l g a t e h a d b e e n abl e t o smel l t h e swea t c o m e u p in t h e r o o m . H e ' d s t e p p e d a r o u n d t h e m a n h e h a d hi t with t h e basebal l ba t a n d w h o wa s n o w l e a n e d forwar d from hi s knees , b l e e d i n g fac e c u p p e d agains t t h e floor as i f i n p r a y e r , a n d t h e n g a t h e r e d e v e r y t h i n g int o a cloth b a g r e a c h e d fro m t h e p o u c h a t t h e fron t o f hi s sweatshirt. " T h a t ' s it, " H e ' d g r u n t e d . "Let' s book. " B u t BabyBo y onl y backe d partiall y int o a n adjoinin g r o o m ' s doorway , f o u n d t h e r a d i o a n d t u r n e d i t o n . "No . Let's see; " h e sai d musingly , "ho w ' b o u t tha t idea? "

• 12 6 • DON JUDSO N

" T h e fuck , yo u crazy? " H o l g a t e tol d h i m . For a wee k o r m o r e the y h a d p l a n n e d , mos t after n o o n s a t BabyBoy's , w a t c h i n g televisio n a n d d r i n k i n g quarts o f Gree n Mountain . "Profit p u r e a n d simple, " BabyBo y woul d explain . "Difference b e i n g — " a n d h e r e h e ' d lea n forwar d tap p i n g hi s knuckle s agains t t h e televisio n a s i f t o c a p t u r e a t t e n t i o n fro m t h e image s waverin g t h e r e . "Firs t off , t h e e n t i r e r e a l m o f c o c a i n e — t h e takin ' I m e a n , j u m p i n ' of f a n d al l t h a t shi t go t yo u busted ? I n f o r m e d b y righ t h e r e . Righ t h e r e , " hi s h a n d flattened

agains t t h e c u r v e d

screen. "Cowbo y shit . D o n ' t h a v e t o b e t h a t wa y t h o u g h . Get s o m e o n e else , whic h I h a v e plan s t o i n t h e future . " B u t now . N o w everythin ' b e a t a slo w pace . A n d t h a t bein ' h o w c o m e t h e car d games. " T h e ai r a r o u n d BabyBoy' s h o u s e alway s taste d lik e metal. I t wa s becaus e o f t h e factories . T h e typ e r i g h t t h e r e a n d w h a t e v e r i t wa s o n fire insid e t h e m . B u t the y h a d a coole r ches t a n d d r a n k fro m i t unti l lon g afte r dark. " T h e car d games, " BabyBo y p o i n t e d out . " T h e s e we're talkin ' a b o u t . T h e s e car d g a m e s a r e n o t p r o t e c t e d . "Just lik e a gift, " h e ' d smile . Mostly, the y n e v e r sa w a n y o n e . T h e n e i g h b o r h o o d was blighted . P e o p l e n o l o n g e r live d t h e r e . S o m e C a p e V e r d i a n s w o u l d c o m e lea n agains t t h e bric k fron t o f t h e

• 12 7 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

factories a n d s m o k e d u r i n g thei r b r e a k t h o u g h , a n d o n e day, acros s t h e y a r d i n wha t H o l g a t e h a d t h o u g h t t o b e a n e m p t i e d building , h e sa w a w o m a n i n a lowcu t eve n i n g dres s c o m e d o w n a bac k stai r a n d a t t h e b o t t o m step hesitate , u n s t e a d y i n t h r e e - i n c h heels , r e a c h i n g t o b r a c e h e r h a n d . Later , i n b e d a s h e fel l asleep , H o l g a t e h a d t h o u g h t o f thi s w o m a n , a n d wit h h e r c a m e a n o t h e r , a secon d m e m o r y h e coul d n o t connect , a n i m a g e o r series o f t h e m r u n t o g e t h e r — u n f o c u s e d , t h e r e , t h e n l o s t — b u t whic h m a d e h i m u n d e r s t a n d h e r nonetheless , n o t a w o m a n a t al l b u t a chil d m a d e u p t o loo k a s o n e . She s e e m e d n o w p r o p h e t i c a s i f event s coul d b e tie d o n e t o a n o t h e r i n way s h e m i g h t n o t se e a t all . "Who, what?" BabyBo y h a d aske d h i m . "Sta y o n t h e program." W h i c h h a d b e e n t h e ide a o f t h e robbery . I n , a n d o u t — t h a t wa s t h e p r o g r a m . Quickness . H o l g a t e w a n t e d t o r e m i n d h i m . T o m a k e h i m see . H e tol d BabyBoy , " F o u r m i n u t e s , the y b e e n spent . W e already gone . G o o d b y e . Pas t tense . O u t o f h e r e . " BabyBoy d i d n o t b o t h e r t o answer . H e walke d idl y t o w a r d a se t o f d o u b l e windows . Pulle d t h e i r shades . P e e r e d carefull y a r o u n d t h e m . "Yeah, " h e spoke , a s m u c h t o himsel f a s a n y o n e . " H o w 'bou t that ; h o w 'bou t we j u st wai t h e r e a m i n u t e . " B e h i n d h i m , o n e o f t h e m e n , t h e o n e o n t h e floor,

• 12 8 • DON JUDSO N

s e e m e d t o b e praying . Our Father, h e b e g a n , almos t a whisper. A n d please, o r a n o t h e r w o r d clos e t o i t r e p e a t e d over a n d over . BabyBo y t u r n e d a t that . T h e r e wa s a p a u s e . T h e onl y s o u n d , t h e radio . It s v o l u m e d o w n soft . T h e m a n spok e again . BabyBoy too k a step . "La y still, " h e o r d e r e d t h o u g h n o o n e h a d m o v e d . H e r a n g e d himsel f ove r t h e m a n . " G o d d a m n , " h e m u t t e r e d , absen t s o m e wa y fro m his o w n voice . "Jus t la y still. " T h e g u n wa s straigh t d o w n a t t h e m a n ' s skul l a n d for a secon d i t wa s a s i f hi s h e a d h a d c o m e o p e n . Wa s blown o p e n befor e H o l g a t e — u n f o l d e d slowl y lik e a place o f col d air , fro m here . . . a n d fo r a m o m e n t i t wa s real. B u t t h e n h e u n d e r s t o o d eve n a s h e sa w t h a t n o t h ing h a d actuall y ye t h a p p e n e d , n o o n e h a d b e e n shot , a n d f o u n d himsel f g r a b b i n g t h e g u n ' s barre l befor e i t could, p u l l i n g BabyBo y a r o u n d b e h i n d i t — H o l g a t e b r a c e d , waitin g stil l fo r t h e s o u n d o f t h e pisto l g o n e off , but i t hadn't . H e r e i t is , h e s p o k e i n hi s m i n d . B u t pullin g n o n e theless. T h e n the y w e r e outside . R u n n i n g . I t s e e m e d t o take forever . T h e y r a n , a s withi n t h e pisto l shot . Mist lik e fo g c a m e . T h e street s e m p t y a n d street -

• 12 9 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

l a m p s b r o k e n off—refracted , u n s u r e . H o l g a t e t h o u g h t of a movie . A c a m e r a whic h p a n n e d fro m a distance . T h e weigh t o f bloo d i n fingers. It wa s exact , a n d u n v a r i e d .

He

studie d h e r w h e r e t h e blanke t h a d c o m e d o w n .

Small, h a r d muscl e j u s t belo w t h e skin . U p h i g h abov e h e r s h o u l d e r a sca r h e h a d trace d befor e wit h finger a n d t o n g u e . H e w a n t e d agai n t o t o u c h h e r t h e r e , m a y b e t o b r i n g p a i n o r comfort , r e a c h e d t o d o so , b u t instea d stood a n d w e n t o u t t o t h e street . W h e n h e r e t u r n e d sh e wa s awake , a m a g a z i n e o p e n o n t h e tabl e i n fron t o f h e r . H e w e n t int o t h e b e d r o o m . " W h a t , give n a choice , m i g h t yo u be, " sh e aske d r e a d i n g fro m t h e m a g a z i n e , " a botanis t o r a car-repai r person?" H e c a m e bac k i n a n d crosse d t o t h e kitche n a n d from t h e refrigerato r too k fro m a plat e w r a p p e d i n foi l a slic e o f m e a t a n d folde d i t ove r a s q u a r e stri p o f cheese. O n a b o t t o m shel f h e f o u n d o n e o f severa l beer s from t h e n i g h t before . H e at e lookin g o u t t h e window . " W h i c h i s thi s o n e ? " h e asked . H e r fac e wa s slac k a n d m a r k e d wit h a p a t t e r n o f

• 13 0 • DON JUDSO N

fabric fro m t h e c o u c h w h e r e sh e slep t mos t ever y night . H e coul d h e a r h e r i n t h e d a r k . W h e n storm s came , l i g h t n i n g filled t h e a p a r t m e n t onl y a t it s edges , t o u c h e d a l o n g o n e wall , a n d sh e woul d b e t h e r e — m o v i n g slow , t h e n watching , h e r b r e a t h still . "Fuc k m e , " sh e woul d tell h i m . H e th e woman . H o l d i n g , stil l a n d outside . S o m e t i m e s h e forgo t thi s h o u s e . R o o m s h i g h ceil inged. W e i g h t e d silve r horse s use d a s b o o k e n d s . Doll s sat i n c o r n e r s o f t h e b a t h r o o m . Sometime s h e t h o u g h t w h e n climbin g t h e stairwel l t h a t i t woul d b e c o m e c u r v e d a n d wide . It s baniste r m a h o g a n y . A painting , nearl y a s tall a s himself , abov e a c a r p e t e d alcove . T h e l a m p , a n d s o m e t h i n g else . B u t h e coul d onl y gues s a t wha t i t m i g h t be . She wa s sweatin g now . T h e window s closed . "People onl y tel l t h e t r u t h , " wa s t h e nex t e x a m p l e she r e a d , "becaus e the y fea r b e i n g c a u g h t . " T r u e o r false? " She smile d a t that . O n c e a s a chil d h e ' d walke d i n o n hi s m o t h e r i n t h e b a t h r o o m . Sh e wa s r e a c h i n g b e h i n d . T h e r e wa s hai r a t t h e spo t b e t w e e n h e r legs . D o n ' t see , h e tol d himself . Fingers b e c o m e a l a m p . C h i p s alon e o f pain t whos e

• 13 1 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

walls w o r n s m o o t h . T h e s e , fi t only . No , n o — o h n o t o stop; a n d hi s o w n voice , Bitch, h e said , y o u — T h e window s closed . R o o m s h i g h ceilinged . H e p u l l e d a chai r o p p o s i t e h e r a t t h e table . " W h i c h o n e , " h e aske d quietly , "whic h tes t i s this? "

T h e f o u r t h g a m e the y too k wa s o n E l m w o o d A v e n u e . T h e y c a m e r i g h t in . " G e n t l e m e n , " BabyBo y a n n o u n c e d . T h e player s s e e m e d b o r e d , lookin g of f t o o n e sid e until, j u s t a s h e a n d H o l g a t e w e r e a b o u t t o leave , a n d u n e x p e c t e d l y , BabyBo y tol d t h e m t o kic k t h e i r shoe s off. "Now," h e o r d e r e d . A m a n wit h Vi c stencile d abov e t h e pocke t o f hi s shirt se t b o t h h a n d s o n t h e table . Firs t left , t h e n right . H e shoo k hi s h e a d . "Maybe o u r p a n t s yo u w a n t of f too? " T h e o t h e r player s w a t c h e d , attentive . Fo r a m o m e n t it b e c a m e obviou s t h a t Vi c h a d b e g u n t o weig h possibili ties, b u t i n t h e e n d h e di d n o m o r e t h a n curs e a n d t u r n away a n d kic k hi s workboot s t o t h e c e n t e r o f t h e r o o m . Inside wa s a n e n v e l o p e fa t wit h m o n e y . "Twenty-five h u n d r e d , " H o l g a t e c o u n t e d wit h dis -

• 13 2 • DON JUDSO N

belief te n m i n u t e s late r a s h e a n d BabyBo y c r o u c h e d t o g e t h e r i n a toile t stal l a t t h e K e n n e d y Plaz a station . "Well, well . D u d e must'v e h a d busines s t o n i g h t m o r e t h a n j u st cards. " H o l g a t e h e l d silen t waitin g fo r m o r e , b u t w h e n n o n e c a m e h e le t i t lay . " C o m e o n , " h e eventuall y an swered, "let' s ge t o u t o f h e r e . " T h e y w e n t u p a n enclose d stairway , ston e wall s cov e r e d heavil y i n g a n g graffiti . Darknes s s h a d o w e d severa l buildings outside , ye t b u s i n e s s m e n lat e fro m w o r k stil l waved d o w n cab s or , n e w s p a p e r s t u c k e d b e n e a t h arms , h u r r i e d t o w a r d a lon e bus . BabyBoy observe d t h e m wit h a smile . H e a p p e a r e d as d u g i n a s t h e cit y itself . " W h o ' s better? " H o l g a t e m u t t e r e d . "Right? " BabyBoy d i d n ' t r e s p o n d . H e r a n t h e fingers o f o n e h a n d t h r o u g h hi s hair . At t h e fa r e n d o f t h e p r o m e n a d e a n d acros s West m i n s t e r a n u m b e r o f biker s sa t o n t h e step s o f a n ol d Methodist c h u r c h passin g bottle s o f win e a n d waitin g for ful l night . H o l g a t e h a d decide d l o n g a g o t h a t what ever wa s c o m i n g h a d alread y h a p p e n e d a n d h e wa s onl y o n e m o r e p e r s o n waitin g t o find o u t w h a t i t m i g h t be . " T h e p e o p l e we'r e t a k i n g off, " h e asked , " t h e reaso n i t works t h e y ' r e j u st n e i g h b o r h o o d guys . . . . "A g a m e o f cards. "

- 13 3 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

"So?" "So; twenty-fiv e h u n d r e d . So ; ho w c o m e yo u know , you u n d e r s t a n d ? t h e m o n e y ' s i n hi s shoe? " BabyBoy li t a cigarette . " W e ' r e d o i n ' g o o d . " "Right. W e ' r e d o i n ' good . W h a t w e n e e d now , afte r tonight, w e nee d a

ne w lin e o f business. " H o l g a t e

s t o p p e d an y a n s w e r whic h m i g h t b e m a d e : "Le t m e tel l you this, " h e said , "le t m e e x p l a i n — y o u a r e fuckin ' u p . You a r

e fuckin

g u

p now

.

" T h i n k a b o u t it. " BabyBoy glare d bac k a t h i m a n d t h e n fired hi s ciga r e t t e int o t h e g u t t e r . A lin e o f spark s ros e u p a r o u n d it . "Shit," h e swore . "Christ. " H e looke d of f ove r Holgate' s s h o u l d e r . Afte r a m i n u t e h e smile d again . "Chec k i t out." T w o Orienta l wome n wer e comin g towar d them . T h e i r face s w e r e c o m p o s e d a n d perfect . B o t h w o r e tigh t black skirts . H o l g a t e s h r u g g e d a n d starte d away . " H o w ' s this," BabyBo y aske d p u t t i n g a h a n d o u t t o hi s s h o u l d e r , "you w a n n a m a k e a bi g d e a l — I d i d n ' t ; ho w t h e fuc k was I s u p p o s e d t o know ? Al l I wa s d o i n ' wa s I trie d t o m a k e s u r e n o b o d y ' d follo w us . N o fucke n m o - m o guin eas r u n n i n ' d o w n an y r o a d i n thei r socks . "Okay?" H o l g a t e shoo k fre e a n d s t e p p e d fro m t h e curb . T h e cars m o v i n g slowly . H e ease d b e t w e e n t h e m . BabyBoy traile d afte r h i m a fe w step s callin g some -

• 13 4 • DON JUDSO N

t h i n g a b o u t g e t t i n g t o g e t h e r o n t h e n e x t day , b u t Hol gate onl y wave d h i m of f a n d crosse d int o a buildin g which le t h i m o u t o p p o s i t e o n t o a p e d e s t r i a n mal l cob bled ove r a n d close d t o traffic . H e r e colleg e s t u d e n t s strolle d a l o n g i n knot s o f t h r e e o r four , t h e w o m e n ofte n h o l d i n g h a n d s . T h e y w e r e fres h a n d clea n a n d s u r e o f themselve s i n a wa y H o l g a t e d i d n ' t u n d e r s t a n d a t all . Streetlight s designe d to loo k lik e l a m p s fro m t h e n i n e t e e n t h c e n t u r y h a d c o m e u p , a n d light s showe d i n t h e window s a r o u n d h i m as well . H e f o u n d himsel f goin g pas t a storefron t no w e m p t y b u t w h e r e h e h a d regularl y c o m e year s before , a t seven o r eight , severa l dollar s i n pocket , t o bu y fo r himself s o m e smal l t o y — h e r e m e m b e r e d i n particula r a brightly colore d t o p a n d ho w w h e n it s ste m wa s p u m p e d d o w n int o t h e b o d y a n d release d i t w o u l d spi n wildl y with a g r e a t b r e a k i n g o u t o f nois e a n d colore d s p a r k s — b u t m o r e s o h e recalle d ho w eac h wee k afte r finding t h e exact t r e a s u r e h e w a n t e d a m o n g t h e c h e a p row s o f five a n d d i m e table s se t o u t i n t h e store' s b a s e m e n t h e ' d m a k e hi s wa y u p t h e dust y stairwell , i n t h r e e distinc t tiers, t o t h e m a i n lobb y a n d g o wit h t h e m o n e y lef t over , always e n o u g h b u t j u st t h a t — h a v i n g k n o w n wha t coul d a n d coul d n o t b e s p e n t — t o t h e l u n c h r o o m whos e sid e window looke d ove r t h e stree t w h e r e m e n h a u l e d freight o r p r o d u c e u p o n t o sidewalk s wit h two-wheele d

- 13 5 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

dollies i n t h e tim e befor e t h e stree t h a d b e e n close d of f a n d t h e r e ea t sandwiche s grille d i n b u t t e r a n d si p a t vanilla cokes . Waitresses h o v e r e d . T h e y smelle d o f l a v e n d e r pow d e r a n d cigarette s a n d p e r f u m e . T h e i r hai r wa s pulle d tight wit h stockin g net s a n d tucke d b e n e a t h p a p e r caps . H e watche d fro m t h e c o r n e r o f a n ey e w h e n e v e r h e f o u n d chance , i m a g i n i n g t o h e a r a s wel l a s se e t h e cris p rustling ris e a n d fal l o f t h e i r breasts . " H e r e h e is, " they' d sin g t o o n e a n o t h e r , g l a m o r o u s a n d d o o m e d , " o u r littl e g e n t l e m a n . " H a d h e alway s g o n e alone ? I t s e e m e d it' d b e e n s o m e t h i n g d o n e o n S a t u r d a y s — h i s m o t h e r givin g h i m m o n e y , a n d h e b y himsel f . . . b ut H o l g a t e coul d n o t b e s u r e i f t h a t wa s alway s t h e way . H e slowed , a n d feelin g a v a g u e sens e o f anticipa tion, looke d a r o u n d finding

a m o n g thos e linin g t h e

mall's c e n t e r a n e m p t y b e n c h , a n d sat . Musi c c a m e fro m speakers m o u n t e d outsid e a

vide o store . M e n a n d

w o m e n lingere d b y rack s o f dresse s a n d table s filled wit h scarves a n d shirt s se t u p b y t h e fron t d o o r s o f severa l shops. N o o n e a p p e a r e d t o b e i n a h u r r y . T h e r e wa s a p r o m i s e i n t h e street' s eleganc e a n d verve , ye t acros s from H o l g a t e , t h r o u g h t h e sli p o f a tin y alley , a m a n w h o looke d t o b e d e a d la y sprawle d o n hi s sid e a s i f flung t h e r e fro m a g r e a t distance . T h e m a n ' s p a n t s w e r e

• 13 6 • DON JUDSO N

pulled partwa y of f a n d shi t wa s s m e a r e d acros s hi s back . H o l g a t e r e a c h e d a pac k o f Kool s fro m hi s pocke t a n d li t o n e t h r o w i n g t h e m a t c h int o a c o n c r e t e p l a n t e r w h e r e several e m p t i e d pint s o f blackberr y b r a n d y la y alread y face d o w n i n t h e blac k dirt . T h e y w e r e s u r r o u n d e d b y t h e s h a r d s o f o t h e r bottles . "For the y shal l i n h e r i t t h e e a r t h , " h e sai d t o himself , u n s u r e exactl y o f w h o o r w h a t h e m e a n t b y this . T h e d e a d m a n ? Himself ? H e l a u g h e d a n d trie d t o repla y t h e t h o u g h t i n hi s m i n d b u t t h e r e wa s n o c o n n e c t i o n . T w o students , o r s o the y a p p e a r e d , c a m e u p t h e alley a b s o r b e d i n discussio n a n d nearl y fel l ove r t h e corpse. B o t h m e n j u m p e d bac k a n d t h e n ease d forwar d cautiously agai n befor e o n e o f t h e m r e a c h e d o u t a n d gingerly p u s h e d t h e b o d y bac k a n d fort h wit h hi s foot . T h e d e a d m a n i m m e d i a t e l y swor e a n d sa t u p , whic h caused t h e tw o t o skitte r t o t h e fron t o f t h e alle y smilin g uneasily. H o l g a t e studie d t h e m tryin g t o i m a g i n e thei r lives, askin g himsel f w h a t the y w o u l d b e m a d e u p o f b u t could ge t n o clea r p i c t u r e a t all . H e drifte d fro m t h e a t t e m p t t o a serie s o f image s r u n n i n g t h r o u g h hi s m i n d , n o n e h o l d i n g , unti l h e sa w t h e p a r k i n g lo t o f a stripmal l o n t h e C a p e side d b y tw o r o a d s whic h m e r g e d t o g e t h e r at t h e lot' s e n d . W h i c h town ?

• 13 7 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

H e wa s u n s u r e , a n d tryin g t o n a m e i t sa w a differen t r o a d , n a r r o w , it s p a v i n g u n e v e n — f r o m o n e poin t a stand o f scru b pine , h o w i n t h e n o o n d a y the y baked , a n d b e y o n d t h e m a t h i n slic e o f h a r b o r , severa l boat s p u t u p outsid e a b u i l d i n g wit h h i g h doors . T h e smel l o f resin a n d sal t flats. A n d t h e r e a s h a d o w o f smal l whit e bones pinne d b y th e sun . Movemen t a s i f soun d t o gather—something. T h e s e p a r a t i o n o f h a n d s , or , stirrin g t o w a r d n e e d . H e coul d se e t h e plac e now . A vacatio n year s before . H o l g a t e too k a b r e a t h . H e lowere d a n d close d hi s eyes . T h e r e wa s a p a t h t o t h e w a t e r nearl y o v e r g r o w n , a g r e e n t h e r e o f perfectio n almos t a n g r y . I t too k ove r t r e e limb a n d b u s h . F o r a m o m e n t onl y that . W h e n h e o p e n e d hi s eye s agai n t h e tw o s t u d e n t s w e r e e m e r g i n g fro m a coffe e s h o p . T h e y hel d styro foam cups . T h e o n e w h o h a d trie d t o r o u s e t h e w i n o p e e r e d int o t h e o p e n alle y s h a k i n g hi s h e a d , b u t t h e n b o t h b e c a m e focuse d o n c e m o r e o n w h a t e v e r conversa tion t h e y ' d b e e n having . G o i n g bac k a n d fort h the y w a n d e r e d t o w a r d Holgate' s b e n c h a n d settle d a t o n e e n d . U p clos e h e coul d se e t h a t the y wer e older . T e a c h ers m o s t likely ; t h e university' s building s d o t t e d t h e area.

• 13 8 • DON JUDSO N

"So, m a k e m e u n d e r s t a n d , " o n e o f t h e m wa s in sisting o f t h e o t h e r , "Mak e m e c o m p r e h e n d ho w yo u can sa y t h a t a t all. " I n t h e cit y a r o u n d t h e m whic h coul d n o t b e seen , w o m e n h u n g clothe s of f t h e r u s t e d a r m s o f fire escapes . T h e y walke d fro m r o o m t o r o o m — t h e i r eye s blue , t h e n gray, t h e n white . O u t s i d e , t h e street s filled wit h m e n . Like insects , the y twitche d a n d r u b b e d . "Make m e u n d e r s t a n d , " i s al l thi s o n e w a n t e d . H o l g a t e settle d back , comfortabl e wit h t h e sam e pull o f anticipatio n tigh t a t t h e e d g e o f hi s knowing . It' s t h e possibility , h e t h o u g h t ; t h e principl e o f it . T h e r e wa s ove r twelv e h u n d r e d dollar s i n hi s pocket. N o w h e r e h e had t o be . A b r e e z e w o r k e d along . H e l e a n e d t o w a r d it , glanc ing u p w h e n h e c a u g h t a c h a n g e i n t h e pitc h o f t h e teachers' voices . T h e y w e r e standing , gettin g read y t o leave. H o l g a t e w a t c h e d t h e m p a d by . B o t h wor e slacks , a n d o n e a blue , t h e o t h e r a g r e e n tee-shirt . T h e i r face s w e r e pal e a n d adolescent . H e looke d afte r t h e m . T h e pal e m o o n o f skin , a b r e e z e risin g a n d d r o p p i n g . H o l g a t e fel t drowsy . H e h e l d stil l fo r severa l minutes , a w a r e o f n o t h i n g really b e y o n d t h e h o l d i n g itself , befor e h e go t u p a n d started awa y fro m t h e mall .

• 13 9 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

H e walke d slowly , s t o p p i n g o n c e a t a bookstore . T h e r e wa s a b r i g h t n e o n sig n i n it s windo w a n d insid e were t h r e e stair s l e a d i n g t o a secon d doorwa y a n d t h e shelves o f books . H o l g a t e w e n t o n , d e c i d i n g n o t t o g o i n — i t wa s coo l b e t w e e n t h e buildings , a n d quiet , a n d h e w e n t o n a n d passed severa l n a r r o w street s w h e r e busines s o w n e r s h a d stencile d thei r n a m e s i n p a i n t abov e ston e arch ways, a n d t h e n crosse d u p a nearl y d e s e r t e d boulevard . T h e b o u l e v a r d r a n i n a straigh t line . I t looke d lik e a movie se t waiting . Stoplight s clicked . H e p a u s e d , search i n g hi s pocket . T h e stoplight s w e n t g r e e n , yellow , r e d . H e coul d h e a r t h e m . T h e r e wa s n o traffi c a t all . I n a coffee s h o p acros s t h e wa y a m a n sa t alone . O n t h e tabl e before h i m la y a book . T h e m a n ' s feature s w e r e s h a d o w e d a n d h e ap p e a r e d tired . H e lowere d hi s h e a d t o w a r d t h e b o o k a s i f in p r a y e r . Blessed o r d e a r e s t F a t h e r . T h e ligh t o n t h e m a n a n d t h e u n o p e n e d p a g e s be c a m e t h e n : a s a n ocean . Hi s m o t h e r b y a windo w i n a h o u s e befor e it . S o m e w h e r e voice s a n d t h e s e p a r a t i o n o f h a n d s . H o l g a t e p u t a cigarett e t o hi s m o u t h . H e li t a m a t c h , b u t a s h e b e n t forwar d t o it , hesitated . T h e r e wa s a s o u n d , o r a sens e o f m o v e m e n t a t hi s back . D u c k i n g lo w

• 14 0 • DON JUDSO N

by instinc t h e s t e p p e d o u t t o w a r d t h e stree t a n d face d a r o u n d t o se e a b r i n d l e d m u t t whic h looke d t o b e a cros s b e t w e e n a pitbul l a n d s o m e large r b r e e d l a u n c h itsel f with suc h forc e agains t a cyclon e fenc e j u s t b e h i n d h i m t h a t t h e d o g t u r n e d itsel f sideways . Spittl e flew fro m it s massive jaws . It s eye s rolle d bac k a n d i t m o u t h e d t h e w e b b i n g o f t h e fenc e wit h t h e s a m e dul l instinc t a shar k m i g h t a piec e o f bait . H o l g a t e s t e p p e d f u r t h e r back . T h e fence , whic h s u r r o u n d e d a lo t a n d whic h h e ' d n o t notice d before , wa s little m o r e t h a n wais t h i g h . H e sa w t h a t t h e d o g coul d get t o h i m . "Christ," h e swore . T h e r e wa s n o plac e t o r u n . B u t i n t h e m o m e n t o f realizin g that , a n d a s sud denly a s i t h a d a p p e a r e d , t h e d o g wa s gone . S o m e o n e gave a lo w whistl e a n d i t t r o t t e d of f t o w a r d t h e lot' s fa r e n d w h e r e a traile r a n d severa l bulldozer s coul d b e m a d e o u t a s d e e p e r shadow s agains t t h e sky . Pipin g fo r water m a i n s wa s stacke d a s well . A smel l o f ta r a n d fres h laid dirt . Hi s ow n fear . H o l g a t e stoo d a s i f t o m e m o r i z e all o f this , m e a s u r i n g agains t himself—listenin g t o t h e dog's franti c b r e a t h , t h e scrabbl e o f it s p u r c h a s e alon g t h e fence , a n d a d e e p , low , k e e n i n g m o a n nearl y fro m its t h r o a t . H e taste d a m m o n i a . S o m e t h i n g metallic —

• 14 1 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

muscle-cabled a n d blood . Al l o f this , clearl y e d g e d , stood o u t b e t w e e n . H o l g a t e w a t c h e d t h e plac e w h e r e t h e d o g h a d b e e n . A m i x t u r e c a m e o f revulsion , a n d s h a m e o f b e i n g scared , a n d a n g e r . H e t h o u g h t h e m i g h t go find BabyBo y a n d ge t a g u n a n d shoo t thi s d o g . H e was i n fac t s u r e o f d o i n g j u s t t h a t a n d starte d i n hi s m i n d bac k t o w a r d t h e mall , n o t takin g a ste p i n t r u t h , b u t t h i n k i n g himsel f a b o u t t o . . . once, twice , befor e h e c h a n g e d hi s m i n d a n d sa t d o w n o n t h e curb . H e ' d d r o p p e d hi s m a t c h e s a n d h e p u l l e d t h e m t o h i m wit h his foot . H e looke d a r o u n d . T h e r e wa s n o t h i n g t o see . At a fa r cros s stree t a legles s m a n o n a car t sol d pencils. A ca r pulle d pas t h i m , a n d t h e n a second . Al l a r o u n d t h e r e w e r e building s a s i f r u s t e d o r ble d fro m brick. It fel t a s i f t h e r e s h o u l d b e s o m e t h i n g else , b u t t h e r e wasn't .

T h e first stor y h e tol d wa s a b o u t t h e county jail T h a t ' s how h e sai d it . A s i f i t w e r e s o m e t h i n g i m p o r t a n t . O k a y ? — h e asked . T h e stor y a b o u t t h r e e m e n w h o ' d h e l d d o w n a

• 14 2 • DON JUDSO N

y o u n g e r o n e o n t h e cel l bloc k d u r i n g a n i g h t a n d ho w they too k t u r n s o n h i m . T h e s o u n d o f it . H e tell s thi s stor y i n a bar . T h e r e h a d onl y b e e n tw o p e o p l e a t t h e c o u n t e r w h e n she' d c o m e in . B e a n e r — o n e o f t h e m calle d o u t t o h e r . W h o ? Sh e r e a c h e d t o find a

cigarette . I t wa s h i m

a n d h e ' d b e e n t h e r e wit h BabyBoy . T h e n BabyBo y left . C h e r y l — s h e e x p l a i n e d — t h a t ' s m y rea l n a m e . N o more Beaner . H e m o v e d d o w n t h e b a r nex t t o h e r b u t i t wasn' t until h e ' d stoo d a secon d tim e t o pla y a s o n g o n t h e j u k e b o x t h a t sh e sa w h o w m u c h olde r h e ' d b e c o m e . Sh e guessed t h a t t o b e w h a t jail did . W h a t wa s t h e s o n g sh e use d t o sing ? A b o u t t h e bo y who' s t a k e n s o m e m o n e y . T h e jai l i s ol d a n d r u n s fo r a ful l bloc k pas t t h e e d g e o f d o w n t o w n . S o m e t i m e s w h e n sh e wa s a littl e gir l she walke d t h e r e , followin g t h e r i v e r b a n k u p pas t t h e railway track s wit h factorie s j u s t of f b e h i n d t h e m . Sh e could fee l e v e r y w h e r e t h e reckles s tensio n o f t h e m e n inside. Y e s — h e s t o p p e d h e r — o k a y , b u t yo u ca n n e v e r really know . Later, w h e n t h e b a n d se t u p (an d she' d notice d ho w

• 14 3 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

d r u n k sh e was , h o w d r u n k the y b o t h were ) the y d a n c e d , slowly, clumsily , hi s h a n d a t h e r back , whispering . . . . H e tol d h e r — Y o u — a n d t h e n b e g a n t h e stories ; she recall s t h e m a b o u t jai l a n d prison . H o w h e h a d c o m e back . Like t h e m y t h — h e said—Ulysse s d e s c e n d i n g . F o r y o u — h e tol d h e r . It wa s probabl y a s rea l a s a n y t h i n g . Yet w h e n sh e i s alon e h e r d a u g h t e r s come . T h e y c o m e — a n d s p r e a d lik e fingers, f a n n e d befor e a s h a d o w a n d y o u n g w o m e n , t h e flash o f whit e a r m . T o h i m sh e tells , yes , b u t alway s seein g t h e stor y o f jail a n d t h e y o u n g m a n r a p e d , w o r k i n g loos e late r a piece o f wir e fro m a ven t t o s h a r p e n i n secret . H e , waitin g unti l t h e t h r e e w e r e asleep . Waitin g fo r silence. C o m i n g u p o n t h e larges t o f t h e m . H e ' d b e e n tryin g fo r a n e y e — i s wha t she' d listene d to t h a t da y i n t h e b a r — b u t a t t h e las t m i n u t e ? Becaus e h e c o u l d n ' t loo k (bu t d o i n g i t anyway ) h e missed , driv ing t h e wir e t h r o u g h a chee k w h e r e i t m u s t h a v e hi t b o n e , p o p p i n g o u t t h e n lik e a fish h o o k . Exactly like . C a n yo u imagine ? She think s i t i s n o m o r e t h a n w h a t al l m e n se e w h e n they watch .

• 14 4 • DON JUDSO N

Alone, sh e call s a n d h e r d a u g h t e r s c o m e coverin g a window a n d m i r r o r i n blac k cloth . Giv e us a story , t h e want o f her .

T h e fa t bo y w h o o w n e d t h e a p a r t m e n t h a d fingers like bloo d sausage s w i t h o u t color . I n fact , al l o f h i m r e s e m b l e d a d e a d m a n whos e insid e fluids hav e poole d a n d swelle d excep t fo r h o w h e wa s a n albino . I n com p e n s a t i o n fo r thi s h e w o r e a blac k d r e a d l o c k wi g t h a t looked t o cos t a b o u t fou r dollar s a n d wa s t h e onl y hai r o n h i m a t all . "Ready h e r e , " h e said . O n c e o r twic e h e ' d nearl y d r o p p e d t h e s p o o n . B u t now h e h a d it . Hi s littl e albin o eye s wer e locke d i n concentration. T h e fa t boy' s n a m e wa s Elvin . H e a n d t h e o t h e r people wh o belonge d t o th e apartment , a woma n an d two m e n , h a d b e e n s h o o t i n g crysta l m e t h a n d smokin g h e r o i n sinc e t h e b e g i n n i n g o f Frida y a f t e r n o o n t h r e e days before . T h a t ' s w h a t t h e littl e ratface d o n e tol d Ba byBoy a n d H o l g a t e . T h e y ' d j u s t r u n o u t o f m e t h , h e explained, a n d Elvi n h a d f o u n d instea d a d o z e n reds . B u t no w h e insiste d o n cookin g t h e m u p . " T h e simpl e r e a s o n o f n o t d o i n g so, " Ratfac e wen t o n i n a n e x a g g e r a t e d voice , "i s which i t c a n n o t b e d o n e . "

• 14 5 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

Elvin glare d a t h i m . "Don' t tel l m e , " h e said , " d o n ' t tell m e w h a t I ' m thinkin' . D o n ' t eve n try. " Ratface s h r u g g e d . " W h a t I' m tellin ' yo u i s simple. " T h i s tim e Elvi n di d n o t r e s p o n d . H e adjuste d a l a m p o n t h e wal l besid e h i m . T h e res t o f t h e r o o m wa s mostly d a r k a n d h a d b e e n d e c o r a t e d i n dayglo w poster s of c a r t o o n character s d o i n g thing s yo u m i g h t n o t ex pect. I n o n e Micke y M o u s e h a d a gian t erection . H e ' d b e n t a f a m o u s movi e actres s ove r a table . C a r t o o n s w e r e o n t h e televisio n a s well . T h e v o l u m e s e e m e d t o b e b r o k e n a n d wa s g o i n g u p a n d d o w n . "We hav e o b t a i n e d , " Elvi n a n n o u n c e d ove r t h e passing s o u n d o f it , "lif t off. " H e shoo k o u t severa l m a t c h e s h e ' d b e e n h o l d i n g b e n e a t h t h e s p o o n a n d d r e w t h e d o p e carefull y t h r o u g h w h a t a p p e a r e d t o b e a n alread y staine d piec e o f cotton . "All God' s chillen, " h e smile d a n d a l t h o u g h i t too k h i m severa l trie s t o find a

v e i n — t h e y w e r e thic k b u t

s e e m e d t o rol l b e n e a t h t h e n e e d l e — h e eventuall y m u r m u r e d softl y a n d l o o s e n e d t h e surgica l t u b i n g h e ' d tie d off with . T h e n b e g a n t h e slo w p u m p . As i f i n r e s p o n s e , t h e television' s s o u n d h a d fade d o n c e again . O n i t s o m e o n e ' s eye s w e r e kin d o f explod ing. T h e y sho t a r o u n d fro m wal l t o wall .

- 14 6 • DON JUDSO N

Elvin's o w n eye s w e r e closed . A n a m a z i n g t h i n g h a p p e n e d . T h e vei n h e ' d hi t f o r m e d a b u b b l e lik e a tir e a b o u t t o blow , a n d a s the y al l w a t c h e d — i t too k n o m o r e t h a n a secon d o r t w o — t h e k n o t o f vei n e x p a n d e d j u s t b e n e a t h t h e ski n a n d t h e n b u r s t s e n d i n g a thi n j e t o f blood t h r e e fee t u p t h e wall . "Whack, bim , p o p , " Ratfac e c a n t e d i n t r i u m p h . "You c a n n o t coo k reds. " Elvin le t o u t a cry . H e a p p e a r e d t o g o int o shock . " G o d d a m n , " h e tol d t h e m , " s o m e o n e ge t a towel, " b u t wa s alread y p u s h i n g awa y fro m t h e tabl e himself . His wi g loosene d violentl y t o o n e sid e a n d h e h u r r i e d bentwaist t o w a r d t h e kitche n wit h t h e q u e e r shufflin g gait o f a fa t m a n , finger presse d t o t h e croo k o f hi s a r m as i f p r o t e c t i n g i t fro m sight . Ratface wa s s m i r k i n g t o himself . T h e o t h e r m a n j u s t looked a t t h e wal l a n d blinked . A l t h o u g h thi s m a n wa s n o t w e a r i n g t h e s a m e gra y workshir t wit h hi s n a m e stitched abov e it s pocket , a n d hi s hai r a p p e a r e d t o b e c o m b e d i n a n entirel y n e w way , H o l g a t e h a d recognize d h i m fro m t h e car d g a m e they' d r o b b e d j u s t t h e wee k before. Vic. Right. T h e o n e wit h t h e twenty-fiv e h u n d r e dollars.

d

- 14 7 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

D a m n , h e ' d t h o u g h t walkin g int o t h e a p a r t m e n t a n d s p o t t i n g h i m . A n d looke d ove r t o w a r n BabyBoy . B u t BabyBo y h a d onl y smiled . H e h a d suggeste d thi s a s a plac e the y m i g h t scor e s o m e s m o k e c h e a p a n d sinc e t h e m o m e n t they' d arrive d that' s al l h e ' d d o n e , smile . Yet stil l i t c a m e slowly : n o t onl y wa s BabyBo y hav ing fun , h e ' d known. H e ' d o f c o u r s e k n o w n tha t d a y — a b o u t t h e m o n e y , w h e r e i t was , a n d why ; a n d h e ' d k n o w n thi s a f t e r n o o n as wel l w h e n the y c a m e exactl y w h o m i g h t o r m i g h t n o t be h e r e . N o w h e crosse d a n d sa t o n t h e televisio n wit h t h e s a m e s t u p i d smil e fo r Ratfac e a n d Vic . "Boy," h e said . " G o d d a m n , right? " T h e y d i d n ' t see m to o interested . H e looke d d o w n b e t w e e n hi s leg s a t t h e televisio n scree n a n d t h e n bac k u p . Elvi n coul d b e h e a r d b a n g i n g a r o u n d i n t h e kitchen . BabyBoy listene d fo r a m i n u t e a n d t h e n s e e m e d t o at tach a t h o u g h t . N a r r o w i n g hi s eyes , h e stare d a t Vic , puzzled. " H e y , ain' t yo u t h e guy ? O n e w h o go t r o b b e d , t h e other d a y — t h e car d game? " Ratface a n d Vi c glance d t o o n e a n o t h e r . Vi c sa t u p on th e couch . H e appeare d suddenl y t o b e someon e waking fro m a sleep , p u l l i n g b y forc e o f wil l t o ascertai n

• 14 8 • DON JUDSO N

o n c e m o r e hi s ow n b o d y — w h i c h wa s large , a n d p o w e r ful, b u t a s o f ye t a t a r e m o v e — s e n s i n g o f course . Within a b r e a t h h e wa s t h e r e . "It wa s o n televisio n yo u se e this ? T h e cartoons . Because I d o n ' t r e m e m b e r an y particula r t h i n g b e i n g advertised." BabyBoy k e p t smilin g a n d stare d d o w n o n c e m o r e at t h e televisio n lik e h e wa s e x p e c t i n g i t t o b e t r u e t h a t a whole stor y a b o u t Vi c a n d hi s r o b b e r y wa s b e i n g tol d t h e r e . B u t al l i t s h o w e d wa s t h e c a r t o o n m a n whos e eye s h a d b u g g e d a r o u n d earlie r a b o u t t o b e e x p l o d e d b y a stick o f d y n a m i t e h e hel d i n hi s h a n d . BabyBoy l a u g h e d . H e b e g a n w h i s p e r i n g t o himself . His m o u t h w o r k e d carefully . H e h a d everyone' s at tention. I t wa s a s i f h e ' d said : Watch , I ' m g o i n g t o sho w you a magi c trick . O r — H e r e i t comes ! A n d i t did . " W h a t , " h e finally w o n d e r e d o u t loud . " W h a t di d you sa y t o m e ? " Elvin wa s alread y bac k i n t h e r o o m . H e hel d a bloody p a p e r towe l t o hi s a r m a n d wa s lookin g i n dis may a t t h e g u m m e d - u p work s o n t h e floor b e h i n d t h e table. H e starte d a nois e lo w fro m hi s stomac h lik e a n o p e r a w o m a n b u t BabyBo y i n t e r r u p t e d takin g o u t hi s revolver pistol . I t h a d b e e n tucke d b e n e a t h hi s shir t a n d

• 14 9 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

h e slippe d i t o u t a n d s t e p p e d bac k a n d sho t t h e tele vision. " W h a t ? " h e aske d Vic . "Because I

c o u l d n ' t wit h t h e nois e a n d a l l — I

c o u l d n ' t h e a r . " Hi s teet h stil l s h o w e d reasonabl y ye t i n s o m e wa y p o i n t e d i n t h e o p p o s i t e wa y fro m t h e casua l t o n e i n whic h h e spoke . "Di d yo u accuse ? Di d yo u sa y i t was m e a n d m y h o m e b o y ; di d yo u sa y that ? "Us w h o r o b b e d you? " " H o l d o n now, " Elvi n trie d t o interject . I t s e e m e d for a m o m e n t h e m i g h t h a v e a plan . H e h e l d t h e blood y towel firs t t o w a r d BabyBo y a n d t h e n t h e television . " W h a t w e g o t — w e n e e d t o r e g r o u p . G e t s o m e realit y o n thi s situation . " T h e r e ' s n o n e e d , " h e insisted , h o l d i n g u p a m e a t y hand. BabyBoy trie d t o s h o o t it . " B o o m ! " h e s h o u t e d afte r t h e g u n h a d alread y g o n e off missin g t h e t a r g e t a l t o g e t h e r . E v e r y o n e b e g a n m o v i n g a t once . Elvi n wa s g o n e back t o w a r d hi s kitchen . Ratfac e a n d Vi c j u m p e d t h e couch. T h e w o m a n k i n d o f fel l fro m i t o r wa s p u s h e d b y o n e o f t h e o t h e r s . Sh e looke d t o b e sleeping . Mayb e sh e was a n d h a d b e e n al l along . H o l g a t e w o n d e r e d a t that . H e sa w h e r t o b e dresse d i n plasti c industria l strap s at eac h ankle .

• 15 0 • DON JUDSO N

T h i s wa s u n u s u a l . It m a d e h i m wis h t o t o u c h t h e w o m a n lik e a y o u n g e r sister , j u s t r e a c h t h e hai r fro m h e r brow , b u t BabyBoy h a d b e g u n fillin g t h e r o o m . H e j u s t sho t i t al l u p . " B o o m ! " h e c o n t i n u e d t o yel l afte r eac h r e p o r t faded, b u t w h e n n o o n e showe d hi s fac e o r gav e h i m a n y t h i n g i n particula r t o ai m for , h e finall y b e c a m e disgusted a n d w e n t outside . H e a n d H o l g a t e stoo d t o g e t h e r i n t h e yard . "Still worried? " h e asked . "Stil l t h i n k we'r e g o n n a have a problem? " H e sho t o u t a windo w a n d t h e n sho t t h e d o o r twice . After that , h e wa s o u t o f bullets .

A . n d I i n coo l bedclothe s d r e a m thos e w e r e n i n e year s lik e s u m m e r my h a n d unbreathin

g

for t h e d a r k blessing . Pray... . T h e firs t tim e I c a m e t o m e n I als o le t t h e m se e a n e m p t y r o o m . Eye s to o cruel , a s a y o u n g gir l b e i n g widowed, h a u l i n g befor e rain . T h i s i s w e a r e t o b e a s stems. I t wa s 1974 , b o t h babie s g o n e , a n d m y d o i n g they said .

• 15 1 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

T i e d t o this , w o m e n ca n h a v e a s well . W a s I t o watc h f r o m t h e w i n d o w a ma n as i f a c h a n g e i n w e a t h e r ? — Y o u w e r e h i g h , o n e accused . At t h a t m o m e n t I wa s abl e t o r e a d h i m a n d r e a d h i m from t h e e n d o f t h e world . — A s l e e p , wit h t h e c h i l d r e n lef t lik e that . — S t u p i d bitch , h e said . Yet e v e r y t h i n g h a n g i n g bac k b e t w e e n d r e a m a n d waking half b l u e a n d b l u e r I i n fac t c a n n o t r e m e m b e r o r k n o w w h a t els e t o sa y St. Ignatius , y o u r d o o r s o p e n a n d clos e yet insid e t h e l a n d s c a p e w e c a n n o t k n o w w h e r e w e h a v e come; o u r m e m o r y o f o l d e r doorway s c r e a t i n g h e r e t h e useless , backwar d l o o m i n g line whic h distinguishe s it . Noise r e m a i n s delivered . T h e drea m o f th e Annunciation , t h e b i r d t h a t i s t h e Hol y Ghost . It i s h e r e collecte d a s t h e distan t yello w houses . G o d kille d t h e m b o t h — t h e ligh t o f t h e ligh t o f t h e b l o o d insid e eac h leaf .

• 15 2 • DON JUDSO N

W i t h yo u b e f o r e t h e t h e a t e r : T h e blacksleeve d crow d thinks onl y h o u r s b u t w e a r e o f w h o m t h e hil l unites a n d now , t h e water . It i s a d r e a m o f t h e first siste r in whic h yo u wak e t o find yoursel f covere d i n whit e sheets, walls, a n d doors , a fea r o f n o w o r d s of w o r d s fallin g over a n d over . H o l d m e tigh t a n d sin g h y m n s . S h e barefoo t a n d s o u n d i n g far . T o b e sen t fort h back w a r d t o wal k t h e finer row . A worl d histor y p r e p a r e d in b e n d s .

H o l g a t e w e n t bac k t o t h e bookstore . I t wa s a m o r n i n g a wee k late r a n d i t wa s hot , th e s u n stil l no t ful l abov e the buildings , b u t strong , a n d insid e th e b o o k s t o r e w e r e ceiling fan s a n d i t fel t coo l a n d quiet . H e b o u g h t a cop y o f essay s a n d a boo k o f Spengler' s a n d o n e o n philosophi c s t r u c t u r e . "Wil l tha t b e al l to -

- 15 3 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

day?" t h e w o m a n a t t h e c o u n t e r asked . Sh e smile d a t him. T h e mal l h a d b e e n swept , a n d a fine p o w d e r o f d u s t was i n t h e crack s o f p a v e m e n t w h e r e t h e pigeon s fed , their t h r o a t s gra y a n d dull , a n d iridescen t j u s t a t t h e m o m e n t o f feeding . T h e d u s t wa s o n t h e fee t o f t h e p i g e o n s a n d i n t h e ai r a r o u n d t h e m . It wa s early , fe w businesse s o p e n . H o l g a t e f o u n d a n art suppl y stor e o w n e d b y t h e universit y a n d picke d o u t a sketc h p a d a n d tw o boxe s o f charcoa l pencils . O n thi s a n d o t h e r m o r n i n g s radio s h a d b e g u n t o play s u m m e r songs . At first, C h e r y l like d p o s i n g fo r h i m . Sh e wa s h i g h w h e n e v e r sh e wa s awak e anywa y a n d d i d n ' t m i n d stay i n g i n o n e plac e fo r a p e r i o d o f time . Nights , sh e s p e n t alone i n t h e livin g r o o m u n a b l e t o slee p i n thei r b e d . "It's a t h i n g I'l l ge t over, " sh e insisted . H o l g a t e se t a smal l tabl e u p a t a c o r n e r wal l o f t h e i r a p a r t m e n t t o giv e himsel f a plac e t o study . H e w o r k e d o n severa l letters . Dear mother, the y b e g a n , b u t h e t h r e w t h e m away . W r i t t e n o n a piec e o f p a p e r abov e hi s desk : Histor y as a necessar y fiction. T h e r e wa s a n idea , a wa y h e ' d w a n t e d thing s t o b e w h e n h e go t o u t o f prison .

• 15 4 • DON JUDSO N

"Okay now, " h e tol d himsel f eac h m o r n i n g . A r r a n g e d b e h i n d t h o u g h t s , a n indicatio n o f s h a p e — shadow unformed .

TThey w e r e sittin g a r o u n d a t Jacki e Dino's . Holgate , J e r r y Dog, G a m a c h e , a n d BabyBoy . Jackie wa s t h e r e too . H e wa s tellin g a story . " T h a t tim e fo r t h e Ro y J o n e s fight," wa s w h a t h e sai d t o t h e others . Jacki e h a d onc e been a

m i d d l e w e i g h t boxer . N o w h e wa s mostl y a

j u n k i e . " I wa s trainin ' u p s t a t e , " Jacki e tol d t h e m , "a t Carlos T e e ' s place . Carlo s r u n s m a r a t h o n s a n d he' s pretty good . H e h a d a

d o b e r m a n pinsche r name d

B a r o n . I wa s r u n n i n ' u p thos e hill s a n d I wa s tired . " U n d e r s t a n d , I too k a littl e tast e ever y no w a n d t h e n . " B u t Carlos , h e wa s lik e a fucke n m a c h i n e — ' C o m e on,' h e ' d say . ' C o m e on. ' A n d h e r e w e wer e u p i n t h e hills a n d I loo k bac k a n d B a r o n i s foamin ' a t t h e m o u t h . So B a r o n dies . A n d I tol d Carlos , 'Look , yo u j u s t kille d y o u r dog . I' m o u t t a h e r e . I' m n o t r u n n i n ' u p h e r e . . . y o u r d o g j u st died. ' T h a t ' s t h e las t da y fo r u p t h e r e . " T h e ide a wa s t o k e e p m e — y o u know ? k e e p m e away fro m everythin ' b u t no w I' m bac k i n t h e cit y s o forget it . T h e fight

comes , a n d J o n e s — t h i s gu y wa s

ready, n o s h i t — i n t h e fifth r o u n d I hi t h i m wit h a lef t h o o k r i g h t a t t h e belt . I t wa s a p u n c h I coul d fee l al l t h e

• 15 5 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

way t o m y s h o u l d e r , a n d I looke d ove r a t t h e canva s after t h e bel l becaus e I t h o u g h t h e m u s t b e goin ' d o w n . B u t h e j u s t stare d a t m e a n d sai d s o m e t h i n ' t h a t h a d a lot t o d o wit h m y m o t h e r . T h e n h e walke d a straigh t line bac k t o hi s c o r n e r , a n d I knew . . . . I wa s o u t t a gas, right ? "After t h a t h e o p e n e d m e u p prett y good. " T h e r o o m the y w e r e i n wa s a n offic e fo r t h e b a r Jackie m a n a g e d a n d h a d i n hi s n a m e frontin g fo r s o m e o t h e r p e o p l e . I t wa s privat e a n d d a r k a n d cool . Case s o f b e e r line d t h e walls . T h e bac k d o o r h a d b e e n lef t o p e n , a n d a nic e b r e e z e c a m e i n t h r o u g h it s screen . B e h i n d t h e plac e wa s a dir t p a r k i n g lo t a n d a smal l p o n d . " O p e n e d m e u p g o o d , " Jacki e said , a n d e v e r y o n e n o d d e d i n solem n a g r e e m e n t a n d looke d of f a s i f t h e fight w e r e takin g plac e r i g h t befor e t h e m , t h o u g h i n fact i t h a d b e e n te n year s sinc e Jacki e h a d f o u g h t a t al l a n d h e wa s a n addic t n o w a n d n o o n e b u t h i m r e m e m b e r e d t h e fight o r Ro y J o n e s i n t h e least . Mayb e Ro y J o n e s wa s a p e r s o n w h o i n hi s ow n lif e als o w o r k e d hi s way int o r u n n i n g a bar . W h i c h i s a t h i n g t h a t ofte n s e e m e d t o h a p p e n wit h fighters—the

j o u r n e y m e n any -

way. T h e ver y g o o d o n e s sometime s m a d e to o m u c h m o n e y to o fas t a n d go t craz y a n d b o u g h t h o m e s i n places lik e Florid a a n d stocke d t h e m wit h vide o g a m e s a n d b e e r a n d staye d d r u n k . Mayb e that' s w h a t Ro y

• 15 6 • DON JUDSO N

J o n e s did . M a y b e Ro y J o n e s wa s o n e o f those . W h o could say ? H e wa s j u s t s o m e o n e els e w h o ' d b e a t e n u p o n Jackie . O u t s i d e , i n t h e n e a r distance , a

truck' s brake s

c a u g h t a n d t h e n s o m e o n e calle d o u t i n Spanish , a n d a n o t h e r voice , i n English , a n s w e r e d , t h o u g h t h e voice s did n o t s o u n d a n g r y , n o r di d t h e truck' s sto p s e e m a n y t h i n g m o r e t h a n m e a s u r e d a n d careful . After t h a t i t wa s quie t fo r a m o m e n t a n d i n t h e silence BabyBo y stretche d b o t h a r m s a r o u n d t h e bac k of hi s chai r a n d y a w n e d . H e glance d ove r a t H o l g a t e with a tigh t smil e t h a t wa s h a r d t o r e a d . A n h o u r earlie r they'd stoo d t o g e t h e r o n a li p o f s a n d b y t h e p o n d . Several r u s t i n g car s h a d b e e n d r i v e n d o w n t h e r e a n d left, a n d e m p t y boxe s w e r e pile d a r o u n d a n d a refriger a t o r a n d p a r t s o f tw o o r t h r e e m o r e . "Let m e se e t h e pistol, " H o l g a t e h a d asked . T h e y ' d b e e n h a v i n g m o r e w o r d s a b o u t w h e r e thing s were headed . H e coul d recal l a bea t o f five o r si x second s whic h h a d passe d t h e n , a n d t h e wa y BabyBoy' s eye s r e m a i n e d h o o d e d a s H o l g a t e h a d s h a k e n five bullet s o u t fro m their c h a m b e r s , s p u n t h e cylinde r o n t h e o n e r e m a i n i n g , a n d cocke d t h e pisto l a n d hel d i t o u t befor e h i m . At first i t h a d b e e n lik e a d a n c e . H o l g a t e p u t t i n g t h e g u n t o BabyBoy' s f o r e h e a d a n d BabyBo y t u r n i n g hi s

• 15 7 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

face slightl y awa y t o t h e left . T h e n wit h quic k hal f ste p H o l g a t e c o m i n g bac k a r o u n d . O n c e , twice , a n d agai n until H o l g a t e wille d h i m a t t h e pistol' s e n d a n d i t s t o p p e d — h e d i p p i n g forwar d i n u n a s k e d q u e s t i o n , g u n a r m t e n s i n g a n d lifting . A n d t h e n t h a t to o e n d e d a n d h e j u s t h e l d BabyBo y o u t t h e r e i n fron t o f h i m . H o w l o n g they' d s t o o d — t h e g u n squarel y t o t h e fac e o f BabyBoy w h o stare d of f impassivel y b e y o n d i t — h e wasn't sure . H e ' d onl y k n o w n h e ' d b e c o m e tire d . . . o f t h e s o u n d o f hi s voice , o f BabyBoy' s . . . al l o f it . Finally , h e h a d t a k e n t h e g u n awa y a n d b r o u g h t i t u p o n c e m o r e , p o i n t i n g t h e m o u t h o f t h e barre l thi s t i m e t o hi s o w n h e a d a n d p u l l e d t h e trigger , a n d w h e n i t clicke d o n a n e m p t y c h a m b e r h e ' d t u r n e d a n d tosse d t h e g u n int o the pond . "Okay?" h e ' d tol d BabyBoy . "Fuck t h e g u n ; fuc k you. " N o w BabyBo y b e g a n a story . I t wa s a b o u t s o m e o n e disrespecting h i m i n a r e s t a u r a n t o r s o m e t h i n g . I t wa s a b o u t n o t h i n g . BabyBo y m o s t likel y m e a n t t o m a k e a p o i n t b u t H o l g a t e wa s n o t interested . H e w e n t a n d stood b y t h e scree n d o o r . It wa s g o i n g t o rain . T h e sk y a p p e a r e d t o hav e b e e n b u r n t a n d pulle d bac k t o g e t h e r . I t woul d drif t lik e as h to t h e d i r t o f t h e p a r k i n g lo t a n d ris e again , bit s o f prayer.

• 15 8 • DON JUDSO N

Inside t h e r o o m , J e r r y D o g stoo d a n d w e n t t o t h e front a n d c a m e bac k wit h five beers . T h e b e e r h a d b e e n iced i n t h e coole r chest . I t sweate d acros s hi s h a n d s . G a m a c h e li t a cigarette . H e l e a n e d bac k i n hi s chai r a n d t h e n forwar d agai n a n d d r a n k . J u s t belo w everything , BabyBoy' s voice . H o l g a t e sa w t h e w o r d s form . C o u l d h e a r t h e m .

mJeliverance," sh

e tol d h i m .

N o t abl e t o res t becaus e n o t abl e t o know . T h e y w e r e chaste . U n w a s h e d . C h i l d r e n t o g e t h e r . H e w e n t fo r bagel s fro m t h e c o r n e r , a n d h o t coffee , a n d they sa t besid e o n e a n o t h e r o n blanket s whic h the y la y across t h e n a r r o w fire escape . " T o . . . " sh e sai d i n h o n o r . T h e da y h a d alread y c o m e . T h e w h i t e n i n g o f t h e east s p r e a d i n g ove r t h e west . M o u r n i n g dove s warbling . T h e s e colors : a b l u e weight , whitecaps . "All love, " sh e tol d h i m , "doesn' t e n d i n tragedy. " H e wishe d t o ge t b e n e a t h t h e blanke t b u t h a d i n m i n d t h e storie s a b o u t h e r father . " T h e y al l w a n t t o t o u c h , " sh e insisted , " p u t t h e i r h a n d s inside . " C a n I trus t you? " O n e t i m e a t a coffeehous e t h e r e wa s a m a n the y b o t h k n e w j u st slightl y a n d sh e m o v e d h e r fingers a l o n g

- 15 9 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

his cheek , tellin g h i m t h a t h e h a d lipstic k t h e r e . Later , she wa s furiou s becaus e h e ' d n o t r e s p o n d e d . " H e hate s w o m e n , " sh e decided . " W h a t wa s h e d o i n g o u t t h e r e with thos e p e o p l e anyway ? H e d o e s n ' t belong. " At n i g h t sh e d r e a m e d s o u n d s a n d cries . C o u l d smel l w o m e n u p fro m t h e showe r drains . E v e r y t h i n g b r o k e n open. T h e s u n wa s u p . A s t h e m o r n i n g wor e o n i t woul d begin t o clim b a n d tic k a l o n g t h e fire escape . "Lik e a pussy," sh e said , h e r eye s close d t o it . "Wil l yo u ea t t h e pussy, wil l yo u ea t it s blood? "

I t wa s to o h o t t o sleep . H e w e n t t o movie s al l da y a n d refused t o leave . Sa t i n ai r c o n d i t i o n e d r e s t a u r a n t s — a n y t h i n g a t all . O n e a f t e r n o o n h e r o d e t h e buse s t o t h e west sid e o f t h e city . H e walke d a r o u n d a littl e a n d t h e n paid five dollar s a n d w e n t int o a m u s e u m tha t h a d onc e been a

privat e h o m e . Al l o f t h e m u s e u m ' s r o o m s

o p e n e d o n t o a n enclose d g a r d e n a t it s center . H o l g a t e took hi s tim e lookin g int o doorwa y afte r doorway . O n e e n t i r e r o o m h a d b e e n carve d int o a Medieva l chapel . I n it w e r e case s o f d a g g e r s a n d mask s a s wel l a s severa l books m a d e o u t o f wood . O t h e r r o o m s w e r e filled wit h sketches a n d prints , a n d afte r a whil e h e c a m e t o a n alcove se t of f b y itself . T w o ol d m e n i n u n i f o r m s smile d

• 16 0 • DON JUDSO N

at H o l g a t e , g u a r d s . T h e r e wa s a ston e b e n c h t h e r e , a n d above i t a n d t o e i t h e r sid e severa l light s playe d o n a painting o f a

w o m a n fro m t h e f o u r t e e n h u n d r e d s

posed, h e r figure

a p p e a r i n g s e r e n e — h e a d lowere d

slightly a n d h a n d s folde d agains t h e r lap . B u t t h e w o m a n ' s fac e wa s different , t h e res t o f t h e p a i n t i n g a p p e a r e d w a s h e d o f color , ye t i n h e r fac e lin e a n d s h a d o w b a l a n c e d b e t w e e n ligh t a n d d a r k , a s i f b e t w e e n possibility— H o l g a t e stoo d stil l fo r severa l m i n u t e s , u n a b l e t o leave. T h e r e wa s a flatness

t o th e painting—an d th e

w o m a n c o m m o n , o f p e r h a p s forty , h a i r cu t short , glanc e sidelong, loo k plai n . . . yet H o l g a t e saw , t h e r e a n d g o n e in h e r o n e m o m e n t n o differen t t h a n an y o t h e r o f an y o t h e r w o m a n , a n e n t i r e history . B o t h grace , a n d it s failing. " H e r e , " h e spok e t o himself . A n d t h i n k i n g t h a t i f t h e w o m a n w e r e t o wak e int o t h a t m o m e n t i t woul d b e impossible t o tel l whic h sh e m i g h t find. H e wa s u n s u r e . Finally, h e t u r n e d a n d w e n t t o t h e g a r d e n s . T h e y w e r e coo l a n d quiet . F r o m t h e m h e coul d stil l se e t h e painting . T h e r e w e r e tree s i n t h e g a r d e n , a n d b a m b o o , sur r o u n d e d b y smal l rock s a n d bit s o f whitewashe d stone , a n d s u n c a m e fro m t h e skyligh t a s i f t h e r e w e r e j u s t

- 16 1 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

that: t h e m u s e u m , a n d i n i t t h e p a i n t i n g a n d g a r d e n s a n d trees , a n d tw o storie s abov e t h e m a skyligh t . . . b u t outside a n d al l a r o u n d , n o cit y a t all .

He

wa s t h e o n e w h o

clockwise fro m t h e page s o f a voic e o r r o o m p a i n t e d ove r a n d ove r agai n t h e limi t o f a child' s h e a d aligh t i n clea r glass , moving down , yellow a s r o s i n —

O n c e h e ' d see n a w o m a n craw l o n t o t h e scaffoldin g of a billboar d a n d fal l almos t d e a d i n h e r sleep . T h e n e x t da y sh e wa s back . A n o t h e r tim e a m a n go t bea t s o b a d h e crie d tear s o f blood . Seconal drift s d o w n t h e m o o n face

s huddle d

into recesse s o f a n alley . O n t h e c o r n e r i n fron t o f a n al l n i g h t stri p club , lif e swells e x a g g e r a t e d music , a n d a fa t m a n wit h a bottl e o f wine d a n c e s o u t befor e s o m e whores , tellin g t h e m — d o t h a t wil d t h i n g t h a t wil d t h i n g — s h a k i n g hi s tw o h u n d r e d a n d fift y p o u n d s unti l h e get s a smile . H o l g a t e walke d past , lookin g by , p a y i n g littl e at tention.

• 16 2 DON JUDSO N

H e w e n t a l o n g 2 n d A v e n u e a n d t h e n cu t bac k t h r o u g h t h e projects . T h e y h a d b e e n r e n a m e d W o o d row Wilso n Estates . T h e y w e r e fixed u p , too . A fe w kids r o d e bicycle s u p a n d d o w n t h e sidewalk s o r playe d g a n g s t e r i n car s b u r n t o u t i n fron t o f t h e buildings , b u t mostly i t wa s clea n a n d quiet , a n d t h e r e w e r e b e n c h e s a n d ston e ches s table s a n d newl y p l a n t e d trees . J u s t bac k o f t h e project s wa s w h e r e h e a n d Chery l lived. T h e fron t e n t r a n c e w a y wa s locke d a n d H o l g a t e h a d left hi s key s o n a d r e s s e r s o h e s t e p p e d bac k a n d c o u n t e d window s a n d t h e n climbe d t h e fire

escape .

T h e i r s wa s t h e t h i r d l a n d i n g u p . It s scree n h a d b e e n lef t o p e n a n d insid e Chery l la y i n semi-darknes s o n t h e couch. H o l g a t e walke d slowl y a r o u n d t h e r o o m touch ing t h i n g s h e r e a n d t h e r e fo r a m i n u t e . H e couldn' t h e l p it . She' d p u t a c h e a p r e d a n d whit e stripe d plasti c cover o n t h e d i n i n g r o o m table , a n d flowers i n a l o n g wine glass , a n d t h e r e wa s a c a l e n d a r a n d m a n y hopefu l pictures o f J e s u s e m e r g i n g fro m charcoa l gra y back g r o u n d s t o rais e t h e d e a d o r hea l leper s whil e childre n followed b e h i n d . H o l g a t e looke d a t al l o f this , o n e ey e o n Cheryl , fixing h e r t h e r e b u t n o t allowin g himsel f t o fully see , n o t yet , seein g instea d t h e fou r o r five ol d sketches o f hi s she' d d u g o u t a n d h a d framed , a s i f they w e r e p h o t o g r a p h s , o n table s a r o u n d t h e r o o m —

- 16 3 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

t h i n k i n g o f h e r p u t t i n g t h e m out , p e r h a p s h o l d i n g h e r self a s sh e sa t looking . A n d w h a t else ? H e d i d n ' t know , n o t r e a l l y — b u t allowin g himsel f t h a t t h o u g h t fo r a m o m e n t , t h e n w a t c h i n g t h e c u r t a i n risin g briefl y in , fallin g back ove r t h e c o u n t e r i n t h e kitchen , a n d u n d e r s t a n d i n g t h a t thi s wa s h o w a t h i n g b e c a m e actua l . . . becaus e o f w h a t e v e r wa s o r d i n a r y , becaus e o f t h e curtai n a n d t h e window b e h i n d it . N o t felt , b u t d r a n k t h r o u g h ski n in stead, hal f e a r t h , hal f a i r — t h e o r d i n a r y tast e o f s u m m e r , an y s u m m e r , a n d i n that t h e res t b e c o m i n g t r u e . . . so acceptin g full y t h e n , finally, Chery l d e e p blu e g o n e into t h e n e e d l e h u n g r a t h e r awkwardl y fro m t h e croo k of h e r lef t a r m . H o l g a t e coul d n o t b e s u r e sh e wa s stil l alive . H e fel t lik e crying , b u t w o u l d n ' t , instea d walke d very deliberatel y int o t h e kitche n a n d filled a

towe l wit h

ice t o hol d t o h e r ches t a n d t h r o a t . W h e n h e wa s a chil d h e ' d o n e tim e c o m e h o m e a n d f o u n d m o t h e r sa t ful l u p i n a chair , b l e e d i n g fro m slashes r u n a l o n g t h e insid e o f h e r forearms . She' d lef t s t r a p p e d t o a g u r n e y , t r a n s p o r t e d t h r o u g h t h e labyrint h corridors o f H e a l t h a n d Rehabilitativ e Services , i n t h e e n d t o a psychiatri c u n i t a t t h e cit y hospital . Holgate , a s a t e m p o r a r y stat e w a r d , wa s sen t t o a g r o u p h o m e w h e r e his o n e a n d onl y ac t befor e r u n n i n g awa y wa s t o smas h t h e fac e o f a n o l d e r i n m a t e wit h t h e first t h i n g h e coul d

- 16 4 DON JUDSO N

pick u p . D u r i n g intak e wit h a psychologis t t h e d o c t o r h a d w o n d e r e d w h a t sayings , suc h a s "Peopl e w h o liv e i n glass h o u s e s s h o u l d n e v e r t h r o w stones, " reall y m e a n t . H e ' d als o aske d H o l g a t e t o tel l storie s a b o u t differen t pictures. T h e picture s al l looke d sa d t o Holgate , o r ver y tense. T h e y ' d m a d e h i m t h i n k o f hi s m o t h e r a n d ho w she'd lain , b a n d a g e d a n d u n m o v i n g , lookin g n o t a t al l like a n y o n e ' s m o t h e r b u t instea d a fa t a n d stupi d chil d . . . helples s really , a n d waitin g fo r s o m e o n e els e t o tel l h e r t h e o u t c o m e o f h e r situation . " H e r e today , g o n e t o m o r r o w , " t h e psychologis t h a d thrown a t him . "It's al l t h e same, " H o l g a t e a n s w e r e d . " T h a t ' s it? " t h e psychologis t h a d asked , a n d Hol gate, t u r n i n g t h e n t o a n o l d e r i n m a t e w h o ' d b e e n l o u n g ing, wit h a smir k o n hi s face , b y t h e partiall y o p e n e d doorway al l d u r i n g t h e interview , replied , "Fuc k conse quences." T h e o l d e r bo y b e g a n l a u g h i n g . H o l g a t e wen t at h i m wit h a m o p bucket . After t h a t wa s h i d i n g fo r o n e m o n t h livin g i n car s a n d alley s a n d sleepin g o n t h e t e n e m e n t roo f wit h Mr . Belenski's pigeons . "Hi , h o n e y , " hi s m o t h e r sai d w h e n she'd finally r e t u r n e d , eye s blackene d fro m G o d kne w what. As i f h e ' d g o n e t o s o m e s u p e r m a r k e t fo r a loa f of b r e a d .

• 16 5 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

As i f h e r sill y as s h a d b e e n h o m e forever . Shit. Now, wit h Cheryl , h e di d n o t cal l a n y o n e . H e h e l d t h e towe l t o h e r t h r o a t . H e p u t hi s s h o u l d e r u n d e r h e r s a n d hal f d r a g g e d h e r fo r nearl y a n h o u r fro m r o o m t o r o o m , talking , p r o d d i n g , b e g g i n g . "Please, " h e asked . Please, whil e sh e d r e a m e d a complici t life . Please , until , as sh e sa t full y d r e s s e d i n t h e b a t h t u b wit h t h e s h o w e r r u n n i n g ove r h e r , Chery l b e g a n t o t a l k — s h e sighe d a n d p u k e d a n d t h e n b e g a n t o speak . " G o d d a m n " i s al l she' d really say . H o l g a t e sa t o n t h e toile t h u g g i n g hi s knee s a n d rocking . Chery l smiled . Sh e k e p t sayin g thi s s a m e w o r d ove r a n d agai n a n d s h a k i n g h e r h e a d lik e t h e s o u n d o f i t w e r e trul y a m a z i n g . " G o d d a m n , " sh e sai d a n d H o l g a t e c o u l d n ' t tel l i f sh e w e r e surprise d o r h a p p y . After t h a t h e c o n s i d e r e d h e r waril y fo r a time , cor n e r - e y e d lik e a n a n i m a l circlin g d a n g e r o u s g r o u n d . M o r n i n g s , h e ' d wak e earl y a n d m a k e coffe e a n d ea t s u g a r e d d o u g h n u t s ove r a n a p k i n a t t h e kitche n table , a n d Cheryl , sleepin g late , woul d tos s a n d m o a n i n t h e o t h e r r o o m . Nights , h e ' d b e g u n t o d r e a m o f hi s m o t h e r . I n thes e d r e a m s sh e wa s t r a p p e d b e n e a t h a froze n river . As H o l g a t e w a t c h e d , h e r fac e w o u l d balloo n s u d d e n l y u p w a r d fro m t h e rive r b o t t o m , blan k a n d white , t o pres s itself fo r o n e m o m e n t agains t t h e ice , h a n d s p u s h e d hopelessly befor e h e r unti l sh e wa s agai n pulle d d o w n

• 16 6 • DON JUDSO N

into t h e c u r r e n t , a s h a d o w only . H e wok e fro m thes e d r e a m s d r e n c h e d wit h swea t a n d f r i g h t e n e d a n d woul d s t a n d w a t c h i n g Chery l slee p a n d c o u n t t h e thi n tic k o f veins b e h i n d h e r eyelid s a s i f thei r fain t blu e stop s o r starts c o n t a i n e d t h e spider y we b o f al l thei r lives . Hol gate woul d t o u c h h e r , e v e r y t h i n g a b o u t Chery l painfu l to h i m , a n d h e w o u l d la y a h a n d t o h e r forehead , a n d walk away ; a n d c o m e bac k t o t o u c h h e r agai n . . . afrai d t h a t i f sh e w e r e t o find h i m abov e h e r , frightene d a s she woke , h e m i g h t begi n t o shak e h e r , a n d b e u n a b l e to stop . H o l g a t e flushed

t h e Percodans . I t wa s stupid , h e

knew, b u t h e als o too k t h e blade s fro m ol d razor s a n d w r a p p e d t h e m i n toile t p a p e r a n d p u t t h e m a t t h e bot t o m o f a t r a s h ca n u n d e r n e w s p a p e r section s a n d Klee n e x a n d t h e c a r d b o a r d backing s fro m h e r m a k e u p kits . W h e n sh e w e n t int o t h e b a t h r o o m t o r u n t h e t u b t h r e e days afte r t h e overdose , finally

abl e t o wal k a s i f i t

w e r e n ' t necessar y t o tes t t h e floor befor e eac h step , o r stop, l e a n i n g int o wall s constantl y agains t t h e buz z a n d r i n g i n g i n h e r ears , h e tol d h e r h e d i d n ' t kno w w h a t h a d h a p p e n e d t o t h e m a n d trie d t o ge t o u t o f g o i n g t o bu y m o r e . "Us e y o u r o t h e r t h i n g , " h e said . T h e r e wa s a silence . H e kne w sh e wa s c o u n t i n g t o ten. "Listen, " sh e tol d h i m , " I can' t us e t h e electri c r a z o r in t h e t u b . " A n d t h e t h o u g h t o f t h a t wa s e n o u g h t o sen d

• 16 7 BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

h i m o n hi s wa y t o ol d m a n Yardach' s w h e r e h e b o u g h t a p a c k a g e o f t h e plasti c razor s wit h thei r skinn y blade s built r i g h t int o t h e m . " H e r e , " h e said , t h r o w i n g severa l through th e door . Finally, t h a t a f t e r n o o n , she' d h a d e n o u g h . "G o o u t , " she tol d h i m sittin g bac k fro m w h a t s e e m e d lik e thei r h u n d r e d t h g a m e o f hi-lo-jack . B e h i n d h e r , t h e blind s w e r e o p e n a n d ligh t c a m e i n a n d fo r o n e secon d sh e a p p e a r e d n o t a t al l hollowe d o u t by t h e a n g e r t h a t r o o t e d a n d d u g constantl y i n h e r mind, an d Holgat e wondere d the n wha t i t mean t t o b e h e r , h o w thing s coul d begi n t o g o w r o n g unti l some one's instinc t lik e a slo w fire b u r n e d t h e c o n n e c t i o n s o f their life . " W h a t , " h e aske d h e r , confused . " W h a t di d you say? " " O u t , yo u know , lik e d o w n t h e stair s a n d int o t h e street. O u t . O u t s i d e . T h e g r e a t o u t d o o r s . G o n e . " H e m u l l e d thi s over . H e said , " I d o n ' t t h i n k so. " "Bye-bye," sh e tol d h i m . H o l g a t e stare d a t h e r . Sh e wa s al l b r o k e n m a c h i n e r y — o n e m i n u t e fine, t h e n e x t e v e r y t h i n g j u m p ing fro m h e r face , o r s o falle n i n sh e coul d hardl y move. "Look," sh e sai d afte r a

p a u s e o f severa l beats ,

" o k a y ? — I a m t h e o t h e r a d u l t h e r e . " Sunligh t b e h i n d a n d spillin g over , t h e da y p i n c h e d a n d quie t befor e h i m .

• 16 8 • DON JUDSO N

"I a m t h e o t h e r adult, " sh e said , " a n d righ t n o w t h e o t h e r a d u l t want s t o si t i n h e r h o u s e . Alone . B y h e r self—Okay?" S h e m e n t i o n e d al l o f thi s lik e sh e wer e recitin g a p l a n fo r t h e i r lives . " I ' m al l right , go, " sh e tol d h i m . " I ' m great. " H o l g a t e hesitated . B u t h e w e n t o u t s i d e a n d stoo d b y t h e building' s front stoop . Twic e h e starte d t o clim b t h e stair s bac k t o t h e a p a r t m e n t , t h e n s t o p p e d , feelin g ridiculous . Fuc k it , h e finally decided , a n d walke d u p T e l e g r a p h Stree t pas t t h e stri p j o i n ts a n d t h e T h a i - V i e t n a m e s e r e s t a u r a n t s . A t a smal l m a r k e t wit h a strob e ligh t flashing i n it s windo w h e stol e a bottl e o f wine . T h e win e wa s coo l a n d sweet . H e w r a p p e d i t i n a n e w s p a p e r a n d h e l d i t t o hi s t h i g h a n d crosse d ove r t o William' s Poin t Par k w h e r e Baby Boy's uncl e T . C . a n d a fe w o f t h e o t h e r r e g u l a r s w e r e h o l d i n g court . I t wa s a beautifu l day . O n t h e r o a d abov e t h e park' s e n t r a n c e car s w e n t by , window s d o w n , radio s blasting. H o l g a t e h a d t h e bottl e o f wine . W h a t h e w a n t e d wa s t o t h i n k a b o u t n o t h i n g a t all . " H e y , " T . C . said . H o l g a t e sa t d o w n . "Iris h Rose, " h e s h r u g g e d point ing t o t h e bottle . "Vintag e las t fuckin g week. " H e passe d it a r o u n d a n d t h e n T . C . b r o u g h t o u t a b a g o f ange l d u s t a n d r i g h t awa y b e g a n t o explai n hi s t h e o r y o f rollin g a

• 16 9 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

perfect j o i n t , whic h H o l g a t e d i d n ' t m i n d a s l o n g a s h e d e m o n s t r a t e d b y rollin g t h e m . Besides , h e wa s g o o d , h a v i n g b e e n i n p r i s o n h a n d rollin g cigarette s o n a n d of f for hal f y o u r lif e b e i n g b o u n d t o d o s o m e t h i n g . A n d i t s e e m e d t o m a k e T . C . fee l g o o d t o tal k a b o u t d o p e . O r prison. O r a n y t h i n g . H e c o n s i d e r e d himself , e v e r y o n e knew, t o b e philosophical . W h i c h wa s w h a t els e H o l g a t e figured c a m

e fro m b e i n g locke d u p s o l o n g — a l l t h a t

time wit h n o t h i n g els e t o d o b u t si t a r o u n d a n d tel l lie s to p e o p l e s t u p i d e r t h a n yourself . "Watc h h o w I we t t h e e n d h e r e , " T . C . said , a n d H o l g a t e g r i n n e d a t h i m a n d t h e o t h e r s a n d la y bac k lettin g t h e m tal k a b o u t w h a t e v e r they w a n t e d ; a n d afte r a whil e i t wa s al l right , almos t like h e wa s aslee p b u t stil l awak e r i g h t t h e r e i n t h e s u n until t h e n e x t t h i n g h e kne w s o m e o n e wa s t a p p i n g h i m . It wa s a kid . T h e ki d wa s n u d g i n g H o l g a t e wit h hi s foo t a n d l a u g h i n g , a n d w h e n h e sa w t h a t Holgate' s eye s w e r e o p e n h e gav e a shrie k a n d r a n off . H o l g a t e go t u p . H e r i n s e d hi s m o u t h o u t wit h t h e las t o f t h e wine , b r e a k i n g u p a c o u p l e o f hit s o f s p e e d int o it . T w o girl s w e r e d o i n g cartwheel s nearby . T h e y w e r e wit h s o m e p e o p l e w h o ' d se t u p a picni c wit h a coole r a n d sand wiches a n d w h o sa t i n law n chair s watchin g t h e girl s spin a n d spin . A b r e e z e wa s c o m i n g of f t h e lake . I t wa s getting d a r k .

• 17 0 • DON JUDSO N

T h i s i s w h a t h e waite d for , unti l hi s h e a d wa s lik e rock a n d roll , hi s t o n g u e lik e strip s o f p a p e r . Until girl s s p i n n i n g a n d s p i n n i n g int o s o m e t h i n g quite glorious .

**

*

*

A . m a n fro m a p h o n y a d o p t i o n busines s come s t o thei r apartment. It i s p a r t o f a n a d r u n i n a magazine . Cheryl bring s coffe e a n d sit s a n d fold s h e r h a n d s a n d smiles , n o d d i n g off , h e r cigarett e forgotten—stil l trying however . L o o k i n g u p w h e n t h e m a n p u t s h e r application for m o n t h e tabl e befor e him , b u t trul y w a n t i n g onl y h e r insisten t speec h wit h t h e d e a d again . "Melinda," sh e crie s out , "Susan. " "Tell m e , " sh e questions , i n h e r m i n d t h e girl s step p i n g fro m a b a t h r o o m w h e r e , veine d blu e a n d dull , the y h a d b e e n f o u n d floating year s befor e i n a t u b fac e d o w n like tin y l e a d e n d o l l s — " T e l l m e a b o u t th e o n e t h i n g t h a t fel t real. " Sh e ha s tacke d blanket s acros s t h e fron t window a n d lai d towels , b u r n t yello w alread y a t thei r center, ove r t h e s h a d e o f eac h l a m p i n t h e r o o m . Crosses h a n g everywhere . Electri c n e o n Chris t abov e t h e doorway . T h e m a n pay s littl e attention . H e i s w e a r i n g a jacket

• 17 1 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

of a materia l exactl y cu t a n d b r u s h e d , a n d w h e n t h e m a n speak s h e h o l d s b o t h h a n d s a t a n o d d a n g l e i n front o f t h e jacket's wais t a s i f h e w e r e fumblin g t o pul l s o m e t h i n g fro m t h e air . " T h e r e are, " t h e m a n explains , "certai n p r o c e d u r e s . " "Payments," h e says , "whic h m u s t b e m a d e re gardless." H o l g a t e watche s h i m spea k a n d think s o f bird s pressing themselve s agains t windows . H e ca n se e t h e city , it s m a c h i n e o f blackene d build ings. A n d hi s lover . Lik e a m e m o r y sh e c o n s t r u c t e d herself int o t h e r o o m . "Hopefully," t h e m a n ' s voic e i s s p e a k i n g s o m e w h e r e through an d a r o u n d her .

- A l t h o u g h nearl y te n day s h a v e passe d sinc e t h e rob bery, Lyl e stil l s p e n d s m u c h o f eac h n i g h t insid e F r i e n d s Social C l u b w a t c h i n g H o l g a t e a n d BabyBoy . H o l g a t e tells e v e r y o n e t h a t Lyl e i s t h e r e t o m a k e s u r e n o t h i n g goes w r o n g , b u t e v e n h e himsel f d o e s n o t full y believ e this. H e u n d e r s t a n d s t h a t s o m e t h i n g b a d m i g h t h a p p e n now. I t i s a p h r a s e h e r e p e a t s t o h i m s e l f : s o m e t h i n g bad . H e say s it , a n d t h e words , a s i f fille d wit h u n f o r m e d possibility, pleas e h i m . T h i s i s w h a t h e saw : Centeio' s smile , teet h a p i c t u r e

. 17 2 • DON JUDSO N

cut fro m magazines . Now, and in the hour of death, the y speak, all is calm and sane. H e fel t t h e n i g h t pres s forward . I n a livin g r o o m : hi s m o t h e r acros s a b r o k e n couch . B o n e s sa t fro m h e r ski n a s i f sh e w e r e a chil d s u n k into itself . B a t h e d i n light , sh e coul d n o t rise . Please, H o l g a t e aske d h e r . Please. It i s almos t m i d n i g h t . H e watche s u p a n d d o w n t h e a v e n u e fo r u n m a r k e d cars . Every twent y m i n u t e s h e o n c e agai n d u c k s int o a n alley n e x t t o t h e clu b fo r m o r e vial s o f crack , severa l o f which BabyBo y i m m e d i a t e l y place s insid e t h e rolle d cuf f of hi s p a n t leg , t h e res t i s p u s h e d u n d e r n e a t h a d u m p ster whic h sit s j u st a t t h e m o u t h o f t h e alley . "Got w h a t yo u n e e d , " the y cal l t o p e o p l e slowing , o r stopping b y th e curb . H o l g a t e i s aware , a s i f s t a n d i n g o u t s i d e himself , o f his h e a d stitche d a n d swolle n i n t h e glar e o f headlights . At 1 A.M. he step s int o Friends , a n d Dary l lead s h i m to t h e bac k suit e w h e r e t h e r e i s a n offic e a n d a floor saf e a n d w h e r e Sydne y c o u n t s m o n e y . " M o n s i e u r , " Sydne y smiles . " M o n s i e u r Picasso? " All busines s wit h Lyl e i n t h e club , h e motions , a n d H o l g a t e give s h i m t h e m o n e y a n d stand s quietl y a s i t i s

• 17 3 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

s e p a r a t e d int o pile s a n d c o u n t e d a n d b a n d e d , a n d t h e n Sydney look s u p , s h r u g g i n g i n apolog y t o H o l g a t e fo r b a d m a n n e r s — n o t u m b l e r s o f d r i n k , n o smal l t a l k — a t t h e s a m e tim e dismissin g h i m t o b e le d b y Dary l bac k d o w n t h r o u g h t h e hal l a n d t h e stair s a n d t h e clu b itself . O u t s i d e , H o l g a t e smoke s cigarett e afte r cigarette . H e p u n c h e s n u m b e r s int o a calculator , BabyBo y working th e cars—"Go t wha t yo u need . " W h a t yo u n e e d , m y m a n , " whil e a r o u n d t h e m t h e city i s ble d t h r o u g h wit h color s d a r k , t h e n light . Later, b y t h r e e , t h e street s a r e slower , car s les s fre q u e n t . H e a t l i g h t n i n g begin s t o flash o n a n d of f w i t h o u t s o u n d . E v e r y t h i n g i s h e l d stil l a s i f i n a p h o t o g r a p h . H o l g a t e a n d BabyBo y stan d b y t h e sidewal k i n fron t o f F r i e n d s Socia l Club . O n t h e p o r c h o f a t e n e m e n t n e x t t o t h e m , a n ol d m a n , awak e becaus e o f t h e h e a t halluci nates a radio . H e sit s i n a chai r a n d rock s bac k a n d fort h with a c o a t h a n g e r twiste d a r o u n d hi s neck . T w e n t y - f o u r stations receiv e h i m u p a n d d o w n t h e coast . O h boys , o h girls , t h e ol d m a n sing s softl y int o t h e coathanger's u p t u r n e d end .

T h e s u m m e r bloodthic k a s i f hi s ow n life . T h i s bo y wil l b e d o w n . H e wil l b e ston e d o w n .

• 17 4 • DON JUDSO N

S y d n e y a n d Dary l h a v e p u t severa l o f hi s drawing s o n a wal l o f thei r a p a r t m e n t . I n t h e t h i r d floor walk-up , tight, c l u t t e r e d r o o m s . T h e fal l o f light , s u d d e n acros s walls . A n d i n t h a t ca n h e envisio n o n c e m o r e hi s o w n witness a s a bo y o f a fir e a t a h o r s e s t a b l e — h e h a d b e e n with hi s father , i t wa s i n a stat e p a r k a n d they' d s t o p p e d a n d w a t c h e d — a n d h e sa w agai n h o w sno w h a d lai n across t h e p a t h o f t h e wood s a n d lace d to o t h e ai r t h r o u g h a n e t w o r k o f b r a n c h e s polishe d lik e stone . This t h e world' s vas t desig n o f b r e a t h c o m e a n d g o n e h e h a d believed. A n d sa w late r a s well , year s later , l o n g after , h i m g o i n g t o w h a t h a d b e c o m e hi s m o t h e r ' s privat e d e n , a n d eye s closed , t o u c h i n g i n ritua l wit h t h e ti p alon e o f a finge r eac h cu t glas s figurin e sh e h a d lef t a r r a n g e d o n a table , w h i s p e r i n g i n t u r n a n a m e fo r each . . . . A n d t h i n k i n g o f b o t h n o w — t h e da y wit h hi s father , a n d t h e r o o m a n d ho w i t h a d b e e n clos e a n d still—sa w himsel f in s o m e wa y s u s p e n d e d w i t h o u t c o n n e c t i o n i n t h e two ; held b e t w e e n o n e , a n d t h e o t h e r . H e w a n d e r s pas t r o o m s fille d wit h m e n d r i n k i n g wine fro m p a p e r c u p s — S y d n e y a n d Dary l of f t o o n e c o r n e r . T h e i r h u s h e d , carefu l tones , t h e close d air . H e r e i s s o m e t h i n g , the y woul d tel l h i m . Listen.

• 17 5 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

D u r i n g A u g u s t h e come s h o m e fro m workin g t h e cor ner an d drink s coffe e an d talk s wit h Cheryl , an d later , after h e ha s slept , h e sit s alon e o n t h e fron t stoop . H e reads almos t ever y e v e n i n g o f t h e wa r g o i n g o n b e t w e e n C e n t e i o an d t h e p e o p l e w h o ' d r o b b e d h i m an d Ba byBoy. H e r e i s w h a t h e thinks : t h e city , a compositio n o f line a n d angl e swolle n fro m limbs . Bodies t u r n u p everywhere . O n e , h e i s prett y s u r e wa s t h e s h o t g u n m a n himself , d o n e i n a n alle y n e x t t o C l u b C a b a r e t wit h t h e u n m i s t a k able Lyl e s i g n a t u r e : a singl e bulle t w o u n d a t t h e bac k o f t h e h e a d , a n d t h e r i g h t h a n d i n d e x finger cu t of f neatl y at it s secon d j o i n t. A l t h o u g h psychotic , Lyl e i s ver y effi cient a n d a p p e a r s capabl e o f single-handedl y carryin g t h e da y fo r Centeio . A n d thi s i s h o w h e finds o u t a b o u t BabyBoy . Sittin g o n t h e s t o o p i n t h e las t s u n d r i n k i n g coffe e swee t wit h s u g a r a n d thic k whit e c r e a m . Peopl e c o m i n g fro m thei r jobs. Later , t h i n k i n g o f thi s a n g e r s Holgate , a s i f thei r m o v e m e n t s s h o u l d h a v e give n of f a clue . G o r d o n Davis , h e reads , a n d ridiculously , doe s n o t immediatel y recog nize hi s friend' s rea l n a m e . . . . G o r d o n Davi s h a d b e e n f o u n d o n Atwell s A v e n u e — a singl e bulle t w o u n d t o t h e h e a d , hi s r i g h t finger severed , etc . etc . H o l g a t e p u t s t h e

• 17 6 • DON JUDSO N

p a p e r d o w n a n d take s a d r i n k o f coffee . Mos t o f t h e delicatessens a r e closing . M o m a n d p o p c o r n e r varieties . T h e da y r e m a i n i n g hot , a n d fo r s o m e r e a s o n t h a t i s t h e first t h i n g t h a t h e ca n t h i n k o f o r relat e t o w h e n h e realizes w h a t ha s h a p p e n e d — O h Christ , h e says , n o t o n a m o t h e r f u c k e r lik e this . N o t today .

X-Jnderneath hi s b e d ar e m a g a z i n e s an d i n t h e m a g a z i n e s a r e p i c t u r e d town s gree n an d o p e n , an d t h e r e a r e p o n d s a n d p a t h s a n d walks . P e o p l e stand , sit , w a v e — a l l t h e t i m e smiling . T h e s e a r e historie s t h a t can b e s t e p p e d into . H o l g a t e show s t h e magazine s to n o o n e . H e d o e s h o w e v e r sho w a stole n Lincol n C o n t i n e n t a l a n d Centeio' s .4 5 calibe r h a n d g u n t o T.C. "I d o n ' t know, " T . C . says . " K n o w what? " "Shit, m a n . " " T h e s e p e o p l e eve r see n you? " H o l g a t e begin s again, listin g fo r t h e t h i r d tim e a n d i n precis e o r d e r t h e reasons wh y i t wil l b e eas y fo r T . C . t o wal k int o Friend s Social C l u b a t fou r thirt y i n t h e m o r n i n g a n d tak e fro m Sydney a n d Dary l t h e m o r e t h a n t e n t h o u s a n d dollar s a n d a hal f p o u n d o f d o p e H o l g a t e know s wil l b e i n t h e floor safe .

• 17 7 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

"Put a g u n i n t h e i r face, " h e says , "ca n t h a t p e r s o n i.d. you ? "Is i t v e r y likel y a n y o n e u n e x p e c t e d wil l b e around?" H o l g a t e ha s t e n o f thes e questions . T h e a n s w e r t o every o n e i s no . "Shit, " T . C . says . " O o o h shit. " I t a p p e a r s h e m i g h t b e c o m e ill . W h e n the y pul l u p i n fron t o f F r i e n d s e v e r y t h i n g i s very quiet . H o l g a t e c a n h e a r t h e electri c h u m o f t h e sign abov e t h e d o o r , t h a t a n d t h e ca r tickin g d o w n , b u t n o t h i n g e l s e — n o t h i n g els e moves . T . C . i s dresse d i n a black w a r m - u p sui t a n d a foolis h cowbo y hat . H e i s h o l d i n g himsel f ver y stiffl y a n d i n t h e silenc e begin s b r e a t h i n g t h r o u g h hi s teet h a n d H o l g a t e know s righ t t h e n h e i s n o t g o i n g t o d o it . "You k n o w h o w t o drive? " H o l g a t e asks . T . C . glare s a t h i m . " W h a t yo u savin' , I ' m scared ? I won't g o i n t h e r e ? " " I ' m sayin ' i f yo u k n o w ho w t o drive. " O n t h e sea t b e t w e e n t h e m la y tw o e m p t y whiske y bottles. T h e g u n a n d stockin g m a s k a r e i n a gy m b a g o n t h e floor. T . C . look s d o w n a t t h e bottle s a n d t h e n u p again a t H o l g a t e . " O f c o u r s e I k n o w ho w t o m o t h e r f u c k i n g drive. " " G o o d . " H o l g a t e tuck s t h e g u n int o hi s waistban d a n d pick s u p t h e g y m bag .

• 17 8 • DON JUDSO N

Inside, e v e r y t h i n g look s different , smal l a n d o u t o f place, lik e t h e absenc e o f p e o p l e s o m e h o w d i m i n i s h e d t h e b u i l d i n g itself . Dary l ha s pulle d loos e severa l o f t h e b o a r d s fro m t h e floor i n fron t o f t h e b a r a n d i s s t a n d i n g waist d e e p i n pipes . " W h a t a r e yo u d o i n g h e r e ? " h e says m i l d l y — l o o k i n g u p , n o t reall y s u r p r i s e d t h o u g h , o r particularly interested . H e lean s forwar d p r o b i n g wit h a flashlight. " O n

e o f t h e line s go t clogged, " h e tell s Hol -

gate w h o ha s positione d himsel f t o star e int o t h e m i r r o r above t h e barback . H o l g a t e raise s o n e h a n d a n d d r o p s it. H e raise s i t agai n p o i n t i n g t h e g u n a t hi s o w n reflec tion. "What' s g o i n g o n h e r e ? W h a t t h e fuc k a r e yo u doing?" H o l g a t e say s t o himsel f i n t h e m i r r o r a n d t h e n t u r n s a n d shoot s Dary l i n t h e h e a d . Sydne y come s o u t of t h e offic e a n d H o l g a t e shoot s h i m too . T h r o u g h t h e mouth.

T ^ C u a n d t h e ca r w e r e gone . H o l g a t e starte d t o w a r d t h e n e i g h b o r h o o d , b u t o f cours e h e u n d e r s t o o d i t t o b e useless, al l o f t h a t wa s ove r now , s o h e finally

turne d

a n d h e a d e d u p t o w n . J u s t pas t d a w n h e too k a bus , a n d at t h e first sto p h e go t of f a n d t h e n c a u g h t a n o t h e r . After t h a t h e walked . Eventually , t h e s u n bleache d t h e sky o f color . B y t h e n e v e r y t h i n g wa s w i t h o u t b r e a t h , a n d h e ' d alread y s p e n t t h e b e t t e r p a r t o f t h e a f t e r n o o n

• 17 9 • BIRD-SELF ACCUMULATE D

waiting. Peopl e looke d a t h i m , a d r a w n y o u n g m a n fiercely g r i p p i n g a b a t t e r e d gre y gy m bag . A t fou r o'clock h e walke d int o t h e m u s e u m wit h a g r o u p a n d t h e n s e p a r a t e d fro m t h e m a n d hi d himsel f i n a bath r o o m . W h e n h e c a m e o u t t h e m u s e u m wa s d e s e r t e d . S o m e w h e r e , o n e o f t h e tw o ol d m e n w h o w o r k e d a s g u a r d s m i g h t b e sleeping . B u t i t d i d n ' t m a t t e r . H o l g a t e looked a t everything . I n t h e g a r d e n s h e traile d hi s fingers t h r o u g h a poo l o f water . A half-moo n sa t j u st abov e t h e skylight . I t wa s a s fevere d a s t h e s u n h a d b e e n earlier, a n d ligh t fro m i t w a s h e d t h e tree s o f b a m b o o o r set t h e m i n shadow . W h e n h e b e c a m e tired , H o l g a t e w e n t t o t h e alcov e which hel d t h e p a i n t i n g a n d la y o n t h e coo l ston e b e n c h set befor e it .

H e d r e a m s agai n o f s o m e o n e t r a p p e d b e n e a t h ice . Only thi s tim e t h e fac e doe s n o t r e m a i n constant : i t t u r n s fro m t h a t o f hi s m o t h e r t o hi s own . A n i m a g e o f himself a s i f encase d i n glass . Hi s fac e blan k a n d white . Fingers presse d b e n e a t h ice . Presse d hopelessly , reach ing int o t h e grac e o f o n e m o m e n t .