Best from the Farmers Almanac [1 ed.]

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BEST FROM THE FARMERS9

ALMANAC The memorable capsules of wisdom, jokes, poems, and miscellaneous facts that have delighted and entertained millions of almanac readers over the years.

BURLINGfiME PUBLIC LIBRARY

39042018403060

DATE

DUE

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2

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3. DAMAGES AND LOSSES of Library-owned property will be paid for by the borrower. 4. RESPONSIBILITY for all books taken on his card rests with the borrower as well as for all fees accruing- to his card. Notification of loss of card does not free the borrower of his responsibility.

&

PRINTED

IN USA.

Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2013

http://archive.org/details/bestfromfarmersaOOgeig

Best from the

FARMERS' ALMANAC

1 Best from the

FARMERS'

ALMANAC Edited by RAY GEIGER, PHILOM.

1963 DOUBLEDAY GARDEN

& COMPANY,

INC.

CITY, NEW YORK

0-

DRAWINGS

LIBRARY

OF

BY PAUL

CONGRESS

CATALOG

HEALY

CARD

AND

NUMBER

ROLAND

JOHNSON

63-16271

copyright © 1931, 193?. 1933. 1934. 1935. 1936. 1937, 1938, 1939, 1940, 1941, 1942, 1943, 1944. 1945. 1946. 1947, 1948. 1949, 1950, 1951, 1952, 1953. 1954, 1955. 1956, 1957. 195S. 1959, 1960, 1961, 1962, 1963 by ALMANAC

PUBLISHING

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED PRINTED IN THE UNITED FIRST EDITION

COMPANY. STATES

OF

AMERICA

Dedicated TO MY WIFE ANN Coeditor on the distaff side without whose patient understanding I could not have continued as editor

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Obtaining permissions to reprint in book form the many delightful items contained herein has been a Herculean task. To the best of our ability we have tracked down and obtained these authorizations, and have checked out all items sent in by readers as best we could. Should we in some cases have failed to get the proper approval, or used incorrect credit, we beg forgiveness and assure a correction in future editions. We are grateful to the many folks who generously gave us the right to use their work in this volume. May we say a special "thanks" to the editors of Kreolite News, Quote, and Sunshine Magazine, in whose publications so many of the flavorful quips and delightful jokes first appeared. Thanks, too, from the bottom of our heart, to our many friends of TV and radio, particularly Barbara Allen, Deborah Adams, Ralph Allinger, Gene Amole, Shirley Arch, Paul Barclay, Bill Barker, Barbara Barnes, Patt Barnes, Tony Bekas, Bill Bennett, Frank Blair, Bob and Ray, Dave Campbell, Patti Cavin, Dick Clark, Ralph Collier, John Corbett, Roselle Coury, Walter Cronkite, Bud Dancy, Mary Dee, Charles Day, Carl deSuze, Bob DeBardelaben, Deacon Doubleday, Mike Douglas, Hugh Downs, Ted Doyle, Galen Drake, Hal Dutch, Douglas Edwards, Carl Eilenberg, Jack Eno, Hugh Ferguson, Bud Finch, Dee Finch, Ed and Pegeen Fitzgerald, Priscilla Fortescue, Joe Franklin, John Franklin, Dorothy Frisk, Dorothy Fuldheim, Dan Fusco, John A. Gambling, John B. Gambling, Garry Geers, Jim Gerard, Dick Goddard, Arthur Godfrey, Kathy Godfrey, Bill Gordon, Jim Graner, Peter Hackes, Arle Haeberle, Betty Hannon, Dean Harris, Ed Harvey, and Paul Harvey. Also to Kathy Hehir, Jim Hill, Fred Hillegas, Mary Ellen Holmes, Parker Hoy, Carl Ide, Carol Johnson, Jay Johnson, Phil Johnson, Ed Joseph, Durward Kirby, Gene Klaven, Kay Larson, Dick Lewis, Art Linkletter, Larry Lyons, Claude Mahoney, Ted Malone, Harry Marble, Clyde McClain, Don McNeill, Maggie McNellis, Mike Mearian, George Menard, Bill and Mildred Miller, Art Milner, Del Monaco, Frank Mooney, Garry Moore, Ray Moore, Harry Morgan, Rex Morgan, Ed Murphy, Jack Murphy, Bob Neal, Ray Odom, John Otto, Ray Parker, Deane Parkhurst, Pat Patterson, Jean

8

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Phair, Lee Phillip, Joe Rainey, Gene Rayburn, Tad Reaves, Carol Reed, Joe Rosenfield, Jr., Kay Russell, Dick Schlipp, Professor Schnitzel, Alan Scott, Dorothy Shank, Pete Smythe, Pat Stanton, Ted Steele, Jack Sterling, Charles J. Stevenson, Ed Sullivan, John Cameron Swayze, Charles Tarkinson, Wayne Tyler, Robert Webster, Bob Wells, Starr Yelland, Dale Young. Hal Youngblood, and others ad infinitum. And to writers Leo Aikman, Robert Allen, Earl Aronson, Paul Ballard, Joe Beamish, Eleanor Billmyer, Jim Bishop, Thomas Boland, Robert Christie, Bob Considine, Pie Dufour, Tom Fesperman, Dayle Frazier, Sr., Winsor French, Curt Haseltine, Elmer Hinton, Johnny Jones, Russell Kane. Nick Kenny, Bill Langzettel, Gilbert Love, Jerry Nusbaum, Sol Padlibsky. Inez Robb, Murray Robinson, Julian Scheer, Bob Sylvester, Bill Tangney. Burt Tuttle, Edgar Van Olinda, Walter Winchell, and many more, our sincerest thanks. R. G.

CONTENTS

Foreword

11

Capsules of Wisdom Terse Verse Potpourri Bits of Humor Beloved Poems

13

41 55 153 201

FOREWORD

The Farmers' Almanac was started in 1818 by David Young. Published every year since, it has become a household bible and guide to pleasant living for every member of the family. Although this was not the first almanac to be called "Farmers' " (there were a number of others dating back as early as 1714), nevertheless it survived the ravages of time and carried throughout the nation a way of life in its Capsules of Wisdom, Anecdotes, Wife Savers, Bits of Humor, and Beloved Poems that earned for it a prestige among things Americana. Called Farmers' Almanac, in its early days it was for everyone because most folks were farmers. Now it still is for everyone since it is for city as well as country farmers. In its earlier days it was more of a farm handbook, for many farmers planted by the signs of the zodiac and the light and dark of the moon. Even today it has all these time-tested aids, but the flavor and charm have been carried on in all the delightful potpourri of its pages. The make-up and character of its format have not changed. Printed on newsprint with woodcuts still symbolic of its calendar pages, the Almanac still has a hole in the upper-left corner so it can be hung in the kitchen or reading room. The type is still printed somewhat off-balance in its masthead, but as an Early American tradition it has a reputation for honesty and straightforwardness that is unrivaled in history. Although the Almanac readership has fluctuated through the years, recently the circulation has climbed to astronomical heights with city farmers now outdoing their country cousins by about three to one. Lest there be any misunderstanding let it be known that the Farmers' Almanac cannot be bought on the newsstands or in bookstores. It has been, and still is, available only through sponsors such as banks, insurance companies, or business houses which distribute it as a good-will gift as a means of saying "thanks" to their friends. Philosophically it is said the best things in life are free. Among the Almanac's claim to fame is its uncanny accuracy for predicting weather some two years in advance. This is done by an astronomer— the present one is Harry Buie, domiciled in Florida— on a scientific basis by a formula

12

FOREWORD

that has been passed along since 1818 and is so secret not even the editor knows its exact make-up. It does, however, take into consideration the sunspots, tidal action of the moon, and the position of the planets and does not have anything to do with caterpillars or other myths. For obvious reasons we could not include weather predictions in this book. We also have left out some other timely and quickly dated items, concentrating on the Gems of Wisdom, Bits of Humor, Beloved Poems and the potpourri of anecdotes and flavorful items that make for a delightful way of life. In all the years since 1818 there have been only five editors. I am the fifth and have taken, as Almanac editors historically have done, the title of "Philom" (philosopher+mathematician=philomath). This is the tide used by Benjamin Franklin and our own David Young. Because so many readers have enjoyed the delights of Almanac lore, the many requests for old issues have left us with only file copies. In order to perpetuate the many wonderful things that have been the soul of the Farmers' Almanac, we are publishing this volume. Response to my talks on radio, TV, and before service clubs has given me just the right kind of encouragement I needed. It is my hope that because the Farmers' Almanac has been done on a high moral plane this book will find a place in the family library to be shared by young and old. As a speaker's handbook, or a bedside anthology, I am sure it will find a welcome spot in the office or home. Ray Geiger, Philom. Lewiston, Maine

%M&

.BSj

CApSr/LES OF ns shop, choose a hairdresser with a reputa,. at home, follow the direetions

. IVS

AND

DONTS permanent. tion of thi:

ment. -are that \ ou begin iments in ample tir [or.

intment

. ng. Gi\ e it a little daily i . it has be< I

mentcd.

ROIROURRI WHAT'S

117

IN THE CARDS?

Present-day playing cards were designed in W)2 by Jaek Gringonneur, court painter to Charles VI of France. He founded bis pack on a regular system. For instance, a pack consists of fifty-two cards, the number of weeks in the year, and there are thirteen cards to a suit, the number of lunar months. The four suits represent four social classes of Cringonneur's times. Spades were for the pikemen or soldiery; clubs were designed as a clover leaf, the emblem of husbandry; diamonds represented the diamond-shaped hat of the artisan; and hearts came from the French word coeur, an evolution of chorur, meaning clergy. The first cards actually used in the United States were brought by the Spanish to their early settlements. The Crows quoted in Catholic Digest TONGUE

TWISTER

A tree toad loved a she toad that lived up a tree. She was a three-toed tree toad. Rut a two-toed toad was he. The two-toed tree toad tried to win the she toad's friendly nod. For the two-toed tree toad loved the ground that the three-toed tree toad

trod.

But vainly the two-toed tree toad tried, he couldn't please her whim. In her tree toad bower, with her veto power, the she toad vetoed him. Anon. YOUR

VALUE

An individual is worth a little more than a dollar. His body, broken down into its chemical parts and sold commercially, a person weighing 160 pounds would have that much value. A man weighing 140 pounds contains enough fat for seven cakes of soap, carbon for nine thousand pencils, phosphorus enough to make two thousand match heads, magnesium for one dose of salts, iron to make one medium-sized nail, sufficient lime to whitewash a chicken coop, enough sulphur to rid one dog of fleas, and water enouj'h to fill a ten-gallon barrel. Chemically studied, the human body is not worth very much. Frank Jackson RECIPE

FOR

A TEACHER

Select a young and pleasing personality, trim off all mannerisms of voice, dress, or deportment Pour over it a mixture of equal parts of the wisdom of Solomon, the courage of young Daniel, the strength of Samson, and the patience of Job. Season with the salt of experience, the pepper of animation, the oil of sympathy, and a dash of humor.

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BEST FROM

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Stew for about four years in a hot classroom, testing occasionally with the fork of criticism thrust in by a principal or superintendent. When done to a turn, garnish with a meager salary and serve hot to the community. Anon. TOWARD

MORNING

Sometimes I wake up early in the morning before it is light, and hear baby talking in his basket. If I rise upon my elbow very gently so that he will not hear me and peek at him. I can see him there in the dim light, dark eyes with his fat hands clasped together, or softly patting one another while he makes those tender, inarticulate sounds of his own language. To whom does he speak all alone in the dark, toward morning? He is still so near Heaven, this little one; is he talking in the language of the angels to some visitor invisible to me, but seen by his pure eyes? Is he making a report of his days, events, his own progress, or asking after the welfare of others he loves in the land he left so short a time ago? Perhaps the angel mother who cared for him comes in that holy hour, to sit with him and love him yet awhile . . . toward morning. Anon. VALUES A traveler nearing a great city asked a man seated by the wayside, "What are the people like in the city?" "How were the people where you came from?" "A terrible lot," the traveler responded. "Mean, untrustworthy, detestable in all respects." "Ah," said the sage, "you will find them the same in the city ahead." Scarcely was the first traveler gone when another one stopped and also inquired about the people in the city before him. Again the old man asked about the people in the place the traveler had left. "They were fine people, honest, industrious, and generous to a fault. I was sorry to leave." declared the second traveler. Responded the venerable one: "So you will find them in the city ahead." Horizons APPLICATION Wisdom is knowing what to do next; skill is knowing how to do it; virtue is doing it. David Start Jordan BANKRUPT The origin of the word "bankrupt" is traced back to ancient times. A Hebraic custom required the deposit in the temple of certain sums of money in Hebraic currency. As Roman coins were frequently used, money-changers

POTPOURRI

119

set up their table or bench (bank) on which they kept Hebraic coins to be bought in Roman money. Money was also lent, and sometimes the changer found himself owing more than he owned. To prevent further calamity his creditors drove him from his business and broke his bench to pieces. He was then "bench-broken" or bankrupt. Anon. HOW

TO BE HAPPY

Keep your heart free from hate, your mind from worry. Live simply, expect little, give much, sing often, pray always. Fill your life with love, scatter sunshine, forget self, think of others. Do as you would be done by. These are the tried links in contentment's golden chain. Anon. LAUGHTER The wonderful madness called laughter is found only in man. Nothing in lower creation produces anything resembling a laugh. Valleys do not smile, and horses do not laugh, for it is a positive break with everything below him in creation; it is a break with matter, it is the beginning of the spirit. Man is the only joker in the deck of Nature. Bishop Fulton J. Sheen POINT OF VIEW If you have a well-developed sense of humor, you will find this world full of absurdities. If you are a realist, you will find it a world of cold, hard facts. If you are a money-maker, you will find it a world of opportunities. If you are a pessimist, you will find it just a climb up a sand dune. And if you are a poet, you will find it a realm of inspiration. Anon. KEY TO GREATNESS To bear up under loss, to fight the bitterness of defeat and the weakness of grief, to be victor over anger, to smile when tears are close, to resist evil men and base instincts, to hate hate and to love love, to go on when it would seem good to die, to seek ever after the glory and the dream, to look up with unquenchable faith in something evermore about to be, that is what any man can do, and so be great. Zane Grey GOD

GIVE US MEN

The time demands strong minds, great hearts, true faith, and willing hands. Men whom the lust of office does not kill, men whom the spoils of office cannot buy.

120

BEST FROM

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FARMERS'

AI M W AC

Men who possess opinions and a will; men who have honor, men who will not lie. Men who can stand before a demagogue and damn his treacherous flatteries without winking. Tall men, suncrowned, who live above the fog in public duty and in private thinking. Holland HOW

TO TELL

TEMPERATIR1

We don't guarantee this one, but the story goes that you can determine the temperature by finding a cricket and then counting the number of times he chirps in fourteen seconds and to that total add forty. This should give you the temperature to within one degree. Anon. ANSWER

TO A PRAYER

We ask for strength and God gives us difficulties which makes us strong. We pray for wisdom and God sends us problems the solution of which develops wisdom. We plead for prosperity and God gives us brain and brawn to work. We plead for courage and God gives us dangers to overcome. We ask for favors— God gives us opportunities. This is the answer. Hugli B. Brown A TRICK You will have Ask a friend to five, and multiply of days in a year his pocket, (any answer.

WITH

NUMBERS

fun with the number stunt: write down his age. Then ask him to double it. Then add the answer by fifty. From this amount subtract the number (365). The next step is for him to count the change in amount under $1.00), and add this amount to the last

To this total add 115. Without looking at the total inform your friend that (1) the first two figures of the answer will be his age. and (2) the last two figures of the total will be the amount of change he has. It works every time— if no mistakes are made! Sunshine Magazine RECIPE

FOR

WEDDED

BLISS

1. Never get mad when your wife does. 2. If your wife gets mad. don't talk, just mope. A talking man stirs up the tigress in a woman, but a man who mopes, appeals to the maternal instinct. 3. If these fail, pretend you are hurt. This will appeal to the first-aid instinct. Frank Richey

POTPOURRI IIISIORY

121

REPEATS

When F w;is ;t boy, wealth was regarded as a thing so secure as well as admirable that almost every one affected to own more property than he actually possessed, because lie wanted to enjoy the standing which it gave. Now, on the Other hand, a man has to be ready to defend himself against being rich as if it were I he worst of crimes, and to keep on the alert if he is to avoid disaster; foi il has become far more dangerous to be suspected oi being well off than lo be delected in crime. Socrates, 354 B.C. SRARH

THE

ROD

Every child should have an occasional pat on the back as long as it is applied low enough and hard enough. Bishop Fulton J. Sheen THE

GIRAFFE

The giraffe has fewer vertebrae in its neck than a mouse. Can see backward without turning its head. Does without water longer than a camel. Runs faster than a horse. Cannot utter a sound— has no vocal cords. Talks with its tail. Anon. WITH

THIS

RING

Men, not women, were the first to wear rings. A Roman slave, when freed, wore a ring of iron; gold rings were badges of citizenship. Gauls and Britons issued a code on ring wearing: Thumb, doctors; index finger, merchants; middle linger, fools; annular finger, students; small finger, lovers. Pliny recommended l he prevention of coughing and sneezing by shifting a ring from a finger on the left hand to (he middle finger of the right hand. Anon. IDEALS Ideals are like stars; you will not succeed in touching them with your hands. Rut, like seafaring men on the desert of waters, you choose them as guides and following them, reach your destiny. Carl Schurz SCHOOL

SYSTEM

Tin' trouble with the school system today is: The teachers are afraid of the principals, the principals arc afraid of the superintendent, he is afraid of

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BEST FROM

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ALMANAC

the school committee, they are afraid of the parents, the parents are afraid of the children, and the children are afraid of nobody. Menthology HOW

ODD

One of the queerest things about modern life is the number of people who are spending money they haven't got for things they don't want, to impress the people they can't stand the sight of. Catholic Digest MAKING Abraham

FRIENDS

Lincoln was once being criticized for his attitude toward his

enemies. "Why do you try to make friends of them?" a colleague asked. "You should try to destroy them." "Am I not destroying my enemies," the President asked gently, "when I make them my friends?" Lyn Sowlis TONGUE

TWISTER

I bought a batch of baking powder and baked a batch of biscuits. I brought a big basket of biscuits back to the bakery and baked a big basket of biscuits. Then, I took the big basket of biscuits and the basket of big biscuits and mixed the big biscuits with the basket of biscuits that was next to the big basket and put a bunch of biscuits from the basket into a box. Then I took the box of mixed biscuits and a biscuit mixer and the biscuit basket and brought the basket of biscuits and the box of mixed biscuits and the biscuit mixer to the bakery and opened a tin of sardines. Anon. TONGUE

TWISTER

This is a combination tongue twister and brain teaser. First see how fast you can read the passage below, then read it as an elocution student would —with expression. Finally, explain the situation described— without smiling or laughing. General Fite stormed the fort of General Fort. Fite was before Fort's fort before Fort could fight Fite but Fite's unfortified fort enabled Fort to fight Fite better than Fite fought Fort. However, Fite fought Fort until Fort took Fite's unfortified fort and then how Fort fought Fite! If Fite had fought Fort before Fort's fortified fort instead of Fort fighting Fite before Fite's fort, then Fort and Fite might not have fought. Anon. SQUELCH A car screeched to a halt at an intersection and barely missed an old lady. I waited for the tongue-lashing that I thought the woman to give the driver.

was going

POTPOURRI

123

Instead of bawling him out, she just smiled sweetly and pointed to a pair of baby shoes dangling from his rear-view mirror. "Young man," she asked, "why don't you put your shoes back on?" Kathryn Kersh POLES The North Pole is an ocean 9000 feet deep. The South Pole is a plateau 9000 feet above the sea level. The Arctic (above 60 degrees N. Lat.) supports over 1,000,000 people, has countless land animals and extensive forests. The Antarctic (below 60 degrees S. Lat.) has no permanent inhabitants, no land animals larger than an insect and no trees. Strange as it Seems SUNRISE Contrary to popular belief the sun does not rise in the true East or set in the true West except on the Vernal Equinox usually March 21, or September 21. All other times it rises in the Northeast or Southeast and sets in the Northwest or Southwest, depending on the time of the year. Lawrence Posner GOD Life passes away, riches fly away, popularity is fickle, the senses decay, the world changes, friends die. One alone is constant; One alone is true to us; One alone can be true; One alone can be all things to us; One alone can supply our needs; One alone can train us up to our full perfection; One alone can give us a meaning to our complex and intricate nature; One alone can give us tune and harmony; One alone can form and possess us. —That One is God. Cardinal Newman AGE It seems to me wrong for people to retire and worse to be compelled to retire. An older person can often do more in less time than his more physically spry junior. He has learned to pace himself. He knows the short cuts —and the pitfalls. He has acquired judgment and stability. For all this there is no substitute, not even youth. Bernard Baruch SUCCESS If you want to be not only successful, but personally, happily, and permanently successful— then do your job in a way that puts light in people's faces. Do that job in such a way that even when you are out of sight, folks will always know which way you went by the lamps you left lighted. Dr. Kenneth McFarland

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ALMANAC

FORESIGHT A gang of chicken thieves operating about Everton, Missouri, invariably left behind a hen and a rooster at each place they raided, together with the following note: We We We So

steal from the rich, steal from the poor, leave this pair you can raise some more. Baltimore Sun GIVING

It's not how much you give that counts It's how much you have left! Bishop Fulton J. Sheen RECREATION Recreation is intended to the mind as whetting is to the scythe, to sharpen the edge of it. He that spends his whole time in recreation is ever whetting, never mowing; his grass may grow and his steed starve. As, contrarily. he that always toils and never recreates, is ever mowing, never whetting; laboring much to little purpose; as good, no scythe as no edge. Reformator Pillar THANKSGIVING We can be grateful to a friend for a few acres or a little money; and yet for the freedom and command of the whole earth, for the great benefits of our being, our life, health, and reason, we look upon ourselves as under no obligation. Seneca If gratitude is due from children to their earthly parents, how much more is the gratitude of the great family of men due to our Father in heaven. Ballou The worship most acceptable to God comes from a thankful and cheerful heart. Plutarch WHAT

ARE

A father is a thing that is forced A father is a thing that growls when it's scared half to death. A father is sometimes accused when the little ones are growing

FATHERS

MADE

OF?

to endure childbirth without an anesthetic. when it feels good— and laughs very loud of giving too much time to his business up.

POTPOURRI

125

That's partly fear, too. Fathers are much more easily frightened than mothers. A father never feels entirely worthy of the worship in a child's eyes. He's never quite the hero his daughter thinks— never quite the man his son believes him to be— and this worries him, sometimes. So he works too hard to try and smooth the rough places in the road for those of his own who will follow him. A father is a thing that gets very angry when the first school grades aren't as good as he thinks they should be. He scolds his son— though he knows it's the teacher's fault A father is a thing that goes away to war, sometimes— And learns to swear and shoot and spit through his teeth and would run the other way except that this war is part of his only important job in life —which is making the world better for his child than it has been for him. Fathers grow old faster than people. Because they, in other wars, have to stand at the train station and wave good-by to the uniform that climbs aboard— And while mothers can cry where it showsFathers have to stand there and beam outside— and die inside. Fathers have very stout hearts, so they have to be broken sometimes or no one would know what's inside. Fathers are what give daughters away to other men who aren't nearly good enough— so they can have grandchildren that are smarter than anybody's. Fathers fight dragons— almost daily. They hurry away from the breakfast table. Off to the arena which is sometimes called an office or a workshopThere, with calloused, practiced hands they tackle the dragon with three headsWeariness, Work, and Monotony. And they never quite win the fight but they never give up. Knights in shining armorFathers in shiny trousers— there's little differenceAs they march away to work each workday. Fathers make bets with insurance companies about who'll live the longest. Though they know the odds they keep right on betting. Even as the odds get higher and higher— they keep right on betting— more and more. And one day they lose. But fathers enjoy an earthly immortality— and the bet's paid off to the part of him he leaves behind. I don't know— where fathers go— when they die. But I've an idea that after a good rest— wherever it is— he won't be happy unless there's work to do. He won't just sit on a cloud and wait for the girl he's loved and the children she boreHell be busy there, too,— repairing the stairs— oiling the gates— improving the streets— smoothing the way. Paul Harvey

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PORCELAIN

ALMANAC

ENAMEL

When a jet aircraft takes off, it carries a jet-age version of an age-old finish on the combustion chambers and exhaust system— porcelain enamel. Without this finish, these vital aircraft components would soon be corroded and destroyed by the intense heat and the chemical action of the fuel and fuel exhaust. A coating of porcelain enamel about a thousandth of an inch thick can resist corrosion at temperatures up to 2000 = F. and will substantially prolong the life of stainless steels and high-temperature alloys. Porcelain-enamel coating also upgrades the corrosion resistance of other less expensive metals used in consumer and industrial products. Porcelain enamel is now being used on automobile mufflers and tail pipes. Here corrosion is a problem— oddly enough— because automobiles are frequently not driven for sufficiently long periods to heat the exhaust systems. Gas fumes and vapor are not driven off and the moisture and chemicals combine to cause trouble— $500 million worth a year for replacement of mufflers and tail pipes, according to automobile-industry sources. Porcelain enamel has other excellent properties that make it indispensable in fulfilling many familiar functions in the world around us. And porcelain enamel, what's more, is one of the most esthetically pleasing finishes available. Everyone knows porcelain enamel— its depth and sparkle— on handsome home accessories such as bowls and ashtrays and on cook-and-serve ware. Its enduring beauty has made it the finish par excellence for major appliances in the kitchen, laundry, and bathroom. It's a popular and handsome material on buildings of the curtain-wall type of construction. And millions of water heaters are protected against hot-water contamination by "glass" linings that are really porcelain enamel! What is porcelain enamel? It is the result of a marriage between a metal base and a coating of finely ground glass applied in liquid form and permanently fused to the metal in a red-hot furnace at selected temperatures ranging from 1000 to 1600°F., depending on the base metal used. By variations in the coating mixture it is possible to obtain virtually any color in the spectrum and to increase resistance to heat and acids. The surface can be smooth or textured, plain or patterned, dull or glossy. Compared with other finishes, porcelain enamel is preferred because it is not affected by time, heat, moisture, and other destructive elements. It is permanently bonded to the metal base and will never peel or strip off and it ranks high in hardness. In practical terms, porcelain enamel shows no effects from time. It will not fade or discolor. It won't be scratched or marred by hot cookware, burning matches, or burning embers. It is impervious to ordinary household chemicals and acids. It can be used as a cutting board. Virtually all normal stains can be removed from porcelain enamel with soap and water or mild detergent. Long-neglected spots may require treatment with a mild scouring powder, and those occasional "baked-on" oven spills can be cleaned with household ammonia. Perhaps the simplest rule

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of thumb to remember is that porcelain enamel surfaces should always be cleaned the simplest, easiest way possible! The origins of porcelain enamel have been lost in the mists of antiquity; nevertheless, there remain in existence today samples of porcelain-enamel objects dating back before the Christian Era. A huge figure of Zeus with flowing robes finished in porcelain enamel, made either in Rome or Greece and dating back to the fifth century, B.C., proves the enduring beauty of the finish. Porcelain enamel's resistance to corrosion is shown in a 2000-year-old Celt shield discovered a few years ago at the bottom of the Thames River in England. The shield was recovered in perfect condition by the British Museum in London where it now is on exhibit. JUST A BOY After a male baby has grown out of long clothes, and triangles, and has acquired pants, and freckles, and so much dirt that relatives do not dare to kiss it between meals, it becomes a BOY. A boy can swim like a fish, run like a deer, climb like a squirrel, balk like a mule, bellow like a bull, eat like a pig, or act like a jackass, according to climatic conditions. He is a piece of skin stretched over an appetite. A noise, covered with smudges. He is called a tornado because he comes at the most unexpected times, hits the most unexpected places, and leaves everything a wreck behind him. He is a growing animal of superlative promise, to be fed and watered and kept warm. He is a joy forever, a periodic nuisance, the problem of our times, and hope of a nation. Every boy is evidence that God is not discouraged by man. Were it not for boys, the newspapers would go unread, and a thousand picture shows would go bankrupt. Boys are useful in running errands. A boy can easily do the family errands with the aid of five or six adults. The zest with which a boy does an errand is equaled only by the speed of a turtle on a July day. The boy is a natural spectator. He watches parades, fires, fights, ball games, automobiles, boats, and airplanes with equal fervor, but not the clock. Boys faithfully imitate their dads in spite of all efforts to teach them good manners. A boy, if not washed too often and if kept in a cool, quiet place after each accident, will survive broken bones, hornets, swimming holes, fights, and nine helpings of pie. The Rotarian TO A CHILD

UNBORN

The spirit of wonder and adventure, the token of immortality, will be given you as a child. May you keep it forever, with that in your heart which always seeks the gold beyond the rainbow, the pastures beyond the desert,

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the dawn beyond the sea, the light beyond the dark. May you seek a' and strive always in good faith and high courage in this world where men grow so tired . . . Keep your love of life, but throw away your fear of death. Life must be loved or it is lost: but it should never be loved too well . . . Keep your wonder at great and noble things like sunlight and thunder, the rain and the stars, the wind and the sea, the growth of trees and the return of harvests, and the greatness of heroes. Keep your heart hungry for new knowledge; keep your hatred of a lie, and keep your power of indignation. Author Unknown PEOPLE

WILL TALK

You will get through the world, but 'twill be very slow if you listen to all that is said as you go. You'll be worried and fretted and kept in a stew, for meddlesome tongues must have something to do. If quiet and modest you'll have it presumed that your humble position is only assumed: You're a wolf in sheep's clothing, or else you're a fool. But don't get excited, keep perfectly cool and then if you show the least boldness of heart or a slight inclination to take your own part, they will call you an upstart, conceited, and vain, but keep straight ahead— don't stop to explain. If threadbare your clothes, and old-fashioned your hat, someone will surely take notice of that, and hint rather strongly you can't pay your way but don't get excited whatever they say. Now the best thing to do is to do as you please, for your mind if you have one will then be at ease. Of course, you will meet with all sorts of abuse but don't think to stop them— It's not any use— For people will talk! Alba Messenger HOW

TO BAKE

A CAKE

This recipe for any cake will be appreciated by all mothers. "Light oven, get out bowl, spoons, and ingredients. Grease pan, crack nuts. Remove 18 blocks and 7 toy autos from kitchen table. "Measure 2 cups of flour; remove Johnny's hands from flour; wash flour oft him. Measure one more cup of flour to replace flour on floor. "Put flour, baking powder, and salt in sifter. Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl which Johnny knocked on floor. Get another bowl. Answer doorbell. "Return to kitchen. Remove Johnny's hands from bowl. Wash Johnny. Get out egg. Answer phone. Return. Take out greased pan. Remove Va inch salt from pan. Look for Johnny. Get another pan and grease it. Answer telephone. "Return to kitchen and find Johnny: remove his hands from bowl; wash shortening, etc.. etc.. oft him. Take up greased pan and find M inch layer of nutshells in it. Head for Johnny, who flees knocking bowl off table.

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"Wash kitchen floor. Wash table. Wash walls. Wash dishes. Call the baker. Lie down." Unknown WORRY

WARTS

Living is so complicated these days, folks don't even worry right. For instance: We worry about the Russians, then get run over by a neighbor's car. We worry about radio-active fall-out, then get poisoned by spraying the flowers. We worry about the youngsters running in front of cars, then drag them across the street against the warning of the red light. We worry about crashing in an airplane, then fall off a ladder painting the house. We worry about getting enough exercise, then drive two blocks for a cup of coffee. We worry about getting the car greased every thousand miles, then never get a medical check-up. We worry about retirement, then go about carelessly to keep from lasting that long. We worry about H-bombs, then blow our heads off by smoking around gasoline. We worry about polio, then get crippled by running into a power lawn mower. We worry about tornadoes, then get liquidated in a traffic accident. Chatham Blanketeer OUR

BEST GROWTH

MAY

BE UNSEEN

While logging a few years ago, I helped to cut a tree that was more than 200 years old. In counting its growth rings, we found one series covering eleven years in which the rings were barely discernible. These denoted a cycle of drought. "The tree sure didn't grow much in that period," I said. My companion was a wise, philosophical old uncle and he replied. "On the contrary, the tree probably never made more important growth than in those years." He saw I was puzzled and continued: "It had to put its roots down farther and farther, year after year, to get nourishment where there was moisture enough to help it assimilate needed minerals. Now look here where the next rainy season began. Here are half a dozen years in any one of which the tree trunk expanded more than in all eleven dry years. Why? Because of the deep unseen strengthening of the root system in the adverse years." He let me think that over, and then concluded, "Remember as you go through life, you'll have times when there'll seem no possibility of getting

130 BEST FROM THE FARMERS' ALMANAC farther ahead. Then is the time to grow inside, and if you do, you will be amazed how you will expand when the right conditions prevail again." Healthways THE AMERICAN Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right

WAY

OF LIFE

to worship God in one's own way. to free speech and press. to assemble. to petition for grievances. to privacy in our homes. of habeas corpus— no excessive bail. to trial by jury— innocent till proved guilty. to move about freely at home and abroad. to own private property. to work in callings and localities of our choice. to bargain with our employers. to go into business, compete, make a profit. to bargain for goods and services in a free market. to contract about our affairs. to the service of government as protector and referee. to freedom from arbitrary government regulation and control. Anon. HOME

SWEET

HOME

Home is the laugh of a baby, the song of a mother, the strength of a father, warmth of loving hearts, light from happy eyes, kindness, loyalty, comradeship. Home is the first school and the first church for the young. Here they learn what is right, what is good and what is kind. Home is where they go for comfort when they are hurt or sick, where joy is shared and sorrow eased, where fathers and mothers are respected and loved and where children are wanted. Where money is not as important as loving kindness. Where even the teakettle sings from happiness. That is the place called home. God bless it! Anon. THE WEDDING

RING

For a long time the wedding ring was worn on the right hand and sometimes on the little finger because it was the least obtrusive. In many Eastern lands it has been worn upon the thumb. It was only gradually that what we now call the ring finger became the permanent choice for the symbol of matrimony. Three reasons have been found for the left-hand third-finger choice. The first is physiological, according to the study. "It developed when various theories of the blood circulated freely, before the blood itself was known to circulate. The Romans spoke of the vena amoris, the vein of love, but the idea was earlier expressed by the Greeks who credited it to the Egyptians.

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This vein of love, they declared, connected the third finger of the left hand directly with the heart, which is the seat, as everyone knows, of the tender passion." The second reason is the product of logical elimination. The thumb, a Roman commentator declared, is too busy to be set apart for special dedication; the forefinger and little finger are only half protected and the middle finger was too ostentatious. Thus only the ring finger was left. The third explanation grows out of old church practice. The bride was blessed "in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Ghost." Starting with the thumb, if the bridegroom touched one finger with each name, he would complete the Trinity with the middle finger, then put the ring on the next one. The wedding ring has always been a treasured symbol. An early ecclesiastic told why: "The form of the ring being circular, that is, round and without end, importeth thus that mutual love and heartfelt affection shall roundly flow from one to the other, as in a circle, continuously and forever." Marianne Ostier in Jewels and the Woman SANTA'S FORMULA

FOR MAKING

FRIENDS

Why does the world love Santa Claus? Let's take the old chap apart and see what makes him tick. First of all, he's a joyous individual. People are attracted to the joyous individual as steel filings are attracted to a magnet. Next, he is interested in making others happy. He increases the happiness moments in the life of everyone he meets. He loves his work. He gets fun out of his job. He is a dynamo of enthusiasm. He is childlike. Though he can do miraculous things, like visiting every home in the world in one night, he is humble about it. He does no boasting. He is simple and sincere. He has faith. He believes in people. He has looked into their souls with an X-ray mind and found much to admire. He has a kind and forgiving nature. He is eternally youthful. He keeps up with the times. Finally, he is a giver. His philosophy is to give himself away in service. He is the friend of everyone. He lives an overflow life. Santa Claus has built up the greatest business in the world by following his philosophy. Perhaps we could attain greater happiness and success if we emulated him a little more. Abridged from Jacqua Way CHEER Cheerfulness is not only a good friend maker, but it is healthful. The man who is naturally cheerful wards off many a pill and many a doctor's bill. Be short of what you will, but be long on cheerfulness; cultivate it and dispense

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it; pass it around; the more you scatter it the more you will have left. Cheerfulness isone of the few things you may squander to advantage. Looking on the bright side never passes a dividend. If things go awry— as things will now and then— take a new grip, and grin! Gloom gnaws at the vitals of the man who lugs it, and deters him from getting on. It slows up things; it's a clog to trade, and makes one's liver sluggish. Gloom uses the breaks, cheerfulness presses the accelerator. Anon. RECIPE FOR EDUCATION Take a cup of thinking, 2 cups of dreams, from 4 to 8 years of youth (depending on how strong), V& cups of persistence, 3 teaspoons of ability, 1 cup of co-operation, a teaspoon of borrowing, 1 cup of good books and lectures and teachers, 1 cup of health, and 1 cup of plans made and followed through. Cream the thinking and the dreams. Add the years and beat until creamy. Sift persistence and ability together and add alternately with the co-operation to the first mixture. Add borrowing books, lectures, teachers, health, and plans. Fold in the years of youth, beaten stiff. Bake in any moderately good college or university. Time in college, 4 or more years, depending on how you like your cake. Temperature, plenty hot. Servings will last for life. Builders NOBLE

THOUGHTS

Spiritual health is the basis of physical health. Lofty thoughts, high ideals, and worthy ambitions stimulate and inspire the mind, and thence react upon the body imparting to it purity, sweetness, soundness, and vigor. A devoted love to God, and an earnest desire to know and obey His precepts, inevitably gives new power to the mind. The efficacy of a single spiritual thought, in promoting health of mind and vigor of body, cannot be overestimated. Careless, indifferent, impure thoughts are perilous, and sometimes fatal. Let your thoughts, ambitions, and ideals be wholly drawn from God's infinite supply, and your life will be wholesome, happy, healthy, and beautiful. Think clean, healthy, constructive thoughts, and your body will be correspondingly strong and well. Grenville Kleiser A LITTLE OF EVERYTHING There is about one cent's worth of gold in 1000 gallons of sea water. An ostrich can knock a man unconscious with one blow from its powerful feet. Eleven and twelve once were written "oneteen" and "twoteen". A camel doesn't feel the pangs of thirst for five days after drinking. There were only ten students in attendance when West Point Academy opened in 1802.

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Rhode Island has the greatest population density, and the highest proportion of industrial workers. If you have to measure a short distance and have no ruler, use a dollar bill as a rough guide. The bill is just six and one-eighth inches long. MIRACLE

OF AMERICA

The people of the United States, occupy only 6 per cent of the world's land area and represent less than 7 per cent of the world's population OWN: 85 per cent of the world's automobiles 60 per cent of the life-insurance policies 54 per cent of the telephones 48 per cent of the radio sets 46 per cent of the electric-power capacity 35 per cent of the world's railway mileage 30 per cent of the improved highways 92 per cent of the modern bathtubs. There is more laughter and more song in these United States than anywhere else in the world. In shops, streets, factories, elevators, on highways, and on farms— everywhere, Americans are a most friendly and kindly people— responsive to every rumor of distress. Someone in America will always divide his food or share his gasoline or tire tool with the person in need. Somehow, America has bred a degree of human sympathy that is without parallel in the history of mankind. Anon. GOOD

TEETH

FOR HEALTH

AND

LOOKS

Your smile is your fortune. The beauty and effect of your smile depend on your teeth. If your teeth are yellow and decayed, your smile will have no sparkle. Without teeth your face becomes sunken and lined. For clear, well-pronounced, pleasant-sounding speech you need your teeth . . . you need them in good shape and evenly spaced. To enjoy your food and to chew and digest your food properly, you need your teeth ... in good working order. A grownup's teeth usually reflect the care that was given to the first or "baby teeth." Good care of children's teeth helps to insure sound teeth in adult years. From baby's very first tooth on, good dental care is important because the baby teeth: . . . help shape the jaw for the later permanent teeth; ... are necessary for chewing food, . . . are needed for proper development of the jaw to insure attractive shaping of the face.

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If baby teeth are neglected, allowed to decay, or are lost too early, the permanent teeth may come in crooked and badly spaced. The keystones to the dental arch are the four permanent teeth (called molars) that come in at six years of age. These teeth act as guides to all the later permanent teeth. Other teeth may grow in crooked if the "keystone" molars are lost. So take good care of them. Decay is the greatest enemy of your teeth. One of the chief causes of tooth decay is the way sugar acts after it reaches your mouth. Action begins when you suck on a piece of candy or eat a sweet dessert. The sugar, or sweetened foods you eat, makes it possible for the many germs already in your mouth to start working. They ferment the sugar and produce an acid. It is the acid that eats into the enamel and starts the decay. Decay will destroy the teeth and often bring on the pain of a toothache. You can have good teeth by beginning dental care early. The child's first visit to the dentist should be at two and a half or three years and everyone should see his dentist regularly throughout life. Often the dentist can fill small cavities before they get big and start to ache. To help build sound teeth, children must have the proper foods: milk, cheese, meat, leafy green and yellow vegetables, whole-grain cereals, eggs, and fish-liver oils. To keep your teeth in good condition, eat less sugar. Cut down on candies, sugary desserts, and soft drinks. Brush your teeth immediately after meals to stimulate the gums and to clean the teeth. For tips on the right way to brush your teeth ask your dentist or uental hygienist. N. Y. State Dcpt. of Health FREEDOM

IS . . .

Freedom is a man at the lathe, or at the desk, doing the job he likes to do, and speaking up for himself. It is a man in the pulpit, or on the corner, speaking his mind. It is a man puttering in his garden in the evening, and swapping talk with his neighbor over the fence. It is the unafraid faces of men and women and children at the beach on Sunday, or looking out of the car windows speeding along a four-lane highway. It is a man saying, "Howdy, stranger," without looking cautiously over his shoulder. It is the people of the country making up their own minds. It is a soprano singing "The Star-Spangled Banner" off key and meaning every word of it. Freedom is the air you breathe and the sweat you sweat. It is you, and 150 million people like you, with your chins up daring anybody to take it away from you. Anon. STORY

OF OLIVES

Olives were first grown by the Assyrians and later taken to the Holy Land. Of all fruit-bearing trees, the olive tree lives longest. It is the earliest fruit mentioned in history, and its family background is very rich and romantic. Familiar landmarks for tourists traveling in the Holy Land are the

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maining olive trees in the Garden ol Gethsemane. These are known to be well over 2(io• lly th< propel things < »n nny i >< • unli in So •• In with the man who hoi an abundant vocubulury ii« nun ii his tongui < nd th< fitting word foi all n< i dn; hi < un sp< • >' readily in th< Ian gtiugi ol ■•« holui - 11 ■ i» . ol ■" . Ii I in- I h -n\

k..ni iiiniii. i.niii i mill . wnlnul peanut, vinegar, Ronton cream, tomato green tomato, apricot, turnip, squash pumpkin, fruit, q irangc, Roosevelt boiled cider, boiled cidci nppli • potato, oatmeal chocolati rici hum bug gn . n tomato < hit ken ci usl and popi i n \ l .|

III. >H

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SIMILES As As As As As As As As As As As As As As As As As As As As As As As As As As As As As As As As

wet as a fish— as dry as a bone; live as a bird— as dead as a stone; plump as a partridge— as poor as a rat; strong as a horse— as weak as a cat; hard as a flint— as soft as a mole; white as a lily— as black as coal; plain as a pikestaff— as rough as a bear; light as a drum— as free as the air; heavy as lead— as light as a feather; steady as time— uncertain as weather; hot as an oven— as cold as a frog; gay as a lark— as sick as a dog; slow as the tortoise— as swift as the wind; true as the Gospel— as false as mankind; thin as a herring— as fat as a pig; proud as a peacock— as blithe as a grig; savage as tigers— as mild as a dove; stiff as a poker— as limp as a glove; blind as a bat— as deaf as a post; cool as a cucumber— as warm as toast; flat as a flounder— as round as a ball; blunt as a hammer— as sharp as an owl; red as a ferret— as safe as the stocks; bold as a thief— as sly as a fox; straight as an arrow— as crooked as a bow; yellow as saffron— as black as a sloe; brittle as glass— as tough as gristle; neat as my nail— as clean as a whistle; good as a feast— as bad as a witch; light as is day— as dark as is pitch; brisk as a bee— as dull as an ass; full as a tick— as solid as brass. ICE

Anon.

To the naked eye, ice looks like a clear transparent mass without the flaky whiteness of snow. Yet, when we examine ice under a microscope we find that it, too, is composed of many crystalline shapes. As a matter of fact, if you look on the surface of ice on a sunny day you will see a number of dark, six-sided stars, looking like flattened flowers, and in the center of each a bright spot. These flowers, which are seen when ice is melting, are crystal stars turning into water, and the bright spot in the middle is a bubble of empty space. This bubble of empty space is the reason why ice always takes up more room than water. Any householder knows this, for water pipes often burst

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in severe frosts. As water in these pipes freezes it expands with remarkable strength and often the pipe cracks under the strain. It is not difficult to understand why ice should take up more room; for we know that if we try to arrange bricks end to end in starlike shapes, we must leave some spaces between, and we cannot pack them so closely as if they lay side to side. And so, when this giant force of crystallization makes the atoms of frozen water grow into starlike forms, the solid mass must fill more room than the liquid water, and when the star melts this space reveals itself to us in the bright spot of the center. We can observe also that ice is lighter than water for we see ice cubes floating in an ordinary glass of water. Travelers on the ocean see icebergs floating above the surface of the water. On investigation scientists have found each iceberg has eight times as much ice under the water as it has above. Anon. THE LOST CITY . . . Strange city lying alone Far down within the dim West Where the good and the bad and the worst and the best Have gone to their eternal rest, Where shrines and palaces and towers {Time-eaten towers that tremble not!) Resemble nothing that is ours. . . . Edgar Allan Poe Somewhere in the Silver Plume region of Colorado there is a group of lonely mountains where wind whispers echo over lofty peaks and down rocky valleys, and where a human voice rarely shatters the brooding stillness. Here, held in the embrace of the encircling mountains, lies a lake whose serenity conceals one of the West's best-kept secrets. Many years ago, according to a tale told by a local fire warden, there stood amid this range of lofty mountains a beautiful valley containing a number of small farms and a prosperous mining camp which flourished, like a thousand other mining towns throughout the Rocky Mountains. This town's distinction lay in its peculiar location, for, ringed by towering peaks, it was almost completely isolated from other communities and the outside world. The only means of ready access was a single gap in the circle of mountains through which a rushing river flowed. One day, as a result of seepage from the extensive placer mining conducted near the valley's entrance, a landslide occurred, completely pocketing the valley. Dammed by an enormous wall of earth and rubble, the waters of the river and of newly released subterranean streams rose higher and higher until the entire town lay submerged at the bottom of the lake. Today, few know the tale of the lost city or that it still sleeps beneath the waters of a distant lake. Only a few old-timers have heard the tale or fragments of the story. The lake, which they refer to as Green Lake, is located between Argentine Pass and Montezuma in the general Silver Plume area.

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Some say they have visited the site several times and they offer to take a party up the long mountain trail and through the broken terrain down to the edge of the lake. But they warn that the climb, which has to be made by pack horse, takes a day and a half to ascend and a full day to descend. And even when the lake is reached after such an arduous journey it may not give a hint of the secret submerged in its depths. But sometimes when the light is right, men on a raft, so they say, peering through a bottomless pail, have been able to discern far beneath the surface the dim outlines of an engine and several freight cars, of houses and church steeples, of farm and mining machinery. The real story of Colorado's lost city, if indeed it ever existed, will probably never be known. All clues to its history, its population, and its wealth are concealed in the lake's green waters. But these details matter little, for the legend's charm lies in its mystery and its mystery is the unfathomed secret of the giant mountains that hover above. Courtesy of The Home Insurance Co. of N.Y. CONQUEST

OF THE BEARD

Ever since antiquity, when some vain caveman discovered he could set himself apart from his shaggy brothers by yanking out his beard hair by hair with a clamshell, man has been scraping, sawing, cutting, and tweezering his whiskers. But only since the turn of this century, when the inventive genius of King C. Gillette perfected the safety razor, has shaving been a comfortable luxury within reach of the common man. A clean-shaven face was once the mark of a great nobleman or a prince because only they could afford such self-indulgence. The tombs of ancient Egyptians have yielded bronze razors of ingenious design and still retaining a fair degree of keenness. Alexander the Great commanded his soldiers to clip off their whiskers because, he said, they would thereby remove the handle by which the enemy could seize them. At other times in history laws have actually been passed prohibiting or requiring shaving. Russia's Peter the Great strove to make his barbaric nobles more suave and civilized, like the people of Western Europe, so he taxed the whiskers of his subjects and shaved off his own. In Ireland a parliament at Trim (no pun intended) enacted a statute in 1447 declaring that no man— unless he wished to be taken for an Englishman —should have a beard above his mouth. The upper lip had to be shaved at least every fortnight or be of equal growth with the nether lip. Puritan pamphleteers in the time of Queen Elizabeth were busy inveighing against the beard which caused even humble men to devote hours to it in the morning, against the vain business of whiskers which necessitated perfuming or starching them, in dusting them with orris powder, in curling them with irons and quills. Daily shaving came into fashion in England during the Restoration (1660). Charles II, a real dandy, was shaven except for a few hairs of a

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mustache. Bui F•i- » brother, who subsequently became hum'. [I, was without fa< ial adornment ol any kind. ( uriously, '« arda always disappeared when wij". came into fashion. When wij',\ w( iii out and iiHii won their own hair, the mustache and beard began to app< ii again. i he most recent heyday ol the beard in the United States began in the nineteenth century a man's razoi in thn id. m. .hi. 1 1 i ii. nt .un, ol ill- Oral Zeppelin n Nhowa Ihi German aimhip Nailing i > cloud I ii thai lakes iii< snap* "i Pegasus, ■ \ mbol i .i\ iii M •1 1 Hi. i. havi

i" > n

i in i

«-i ".I

I" stamps

'...in.

..i id. in in i depict

cloudi as pari ol • paNtoral man) ol th< in, howi vi i . i< aturi ii" i loudN ih. in • . h . . \. i \ thing in. m .i in i iii, 1 1-, lo cirro-stiatm Mi. i< havi been hundrcdN oi Nlamps depicting meteorological subjects iii. un in., .>n in. I stars rhen even havi been stamps lhal depict tla woi Id gn »l wi athi i atal and obsi i\ atoi l< Porhapa Ihi more sensational onos arc those which have been issued during and im lialoly aflci Nona ol the mon co ii\ ol recent disasters iii. i. was iii. .ii .mi. ih, Net in.. i bj I i. . Im. hi. in. In I92H which showed r Kconea when i majoi part oi the principality waa devastated b) the rampaginfl llooda Austria llelgium, Iceland, German) Hungary, and the Netherlands all Issued special stamps when llooda inundated theii lands .in.i 1 1 1. iMr homeless millions ol citizens I'hcsi arc known • • "semi postals," i.-i in addition to theii vahn to franl lettera iii. \ had •• Niircharge which pi i ions paid and w hl< i> w in usi d to rclievi \ ■< i m • Soml-postala ulao wen issued b) tin Dominican Republic lo raise funds im Un rcliel oi inn 1 1. .in. victims lh< Argentine, Peru Nicaragua, and lupan Issued postali lo help victims ol earthquaki disastci Stamp collectors then, an pretty well acquainted with woathci Ila bright .in.i innn) kind; tin raina and snowstorms, typhoons and tornadoes, winds and I'd. 1 1 . i . Perhaps ii" most nun nil one in Ila VhUulclU Formers1 Allium, i, i ..in Issued b) ii"« United Stales in 1944 to mark the seventy fifth anniversary ol the transcontinental railroad ii shows an Iron Horse .ii Promontorj Point Utah i ....I .ii it, und you'll i is blowing In the Ernest i in

DAYS Ol

u phenomenon lhat'd iin cngini Is blowing opposite direction! t Kehr, I R P.S I

i< mm \ IK .ill

"iiu da) sona kind ol mettli was found in ili< lallraci thai looks liki goald," wroti a millworker in hii )ournal on Jannar) 'i IH4H I ii. "mettle" had been picked up b) lames Wilson Marshall who was I'm l. inn a sawmill on California's Vmcrican Rivci ncai > l• « present lown ol Coloma During Hi. previou in. hi w uti i hi. i been diverted into Ihc unllnishcd lailraci •" carr) itwa) tla littci and now tla watet had been turned out again, leaving

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only shallow pools. Marshall looked into one of these pools and spied a yellow flake, "the shape of a melon seed," gleaming in sun. As he stooped to pick it up, he saw another flake and he had collected half an ounce of the tiny shimmering slouch hat. Not till nightfall did Marshall tell the workmen of his

the early morning still another. Soon specks in his old discovery and then

he remarked very quietly, "Boys, I think I've found a gold mine." Though one of the men saw fit to chronicle the incident in his diary, on the whole they were inclined to laugh off Marshall's idea as fanciful. Nevertheless, next day he picked up several ounces of the golden flakes. Born in Warren County, New Jersey, Marshall who had come to California in 1846 was employed as a wheelwright by John August Sutter, wealthy Swiss trader and landowner. At Sacramento, fifty miles down the river from the mill, Sutter had built a fort and trading post which had grown into a prosperous community and here Marshall arrived four days after his discovery. Behind locked doors the two men tested the golden metal by every means available and finally Sutter announced "It's twenty-three carat gold!" Though for a time the two men tried to keep their secret, it couldn't be suppressed. Word leaked out, slowly at first, and then with increasing momentum. A few skeptics, chiefly Spanish and Mexican landowners who bitterly resented the American conquest of California, tried to stem the tide by saying that the gold talk was a Yankee trick, but it was no use. The greatest gold rush in history was on. In spite of the gold-rush fever which seized California, word spread back East slowly by the overland route or by the long trip around Cape Horn, and most people were unimpressed by the story. Then months after the discovery, when gold arrived in New York and was assayed, frenzy gripped the entire country. During the next ten years more than 365,000 people reached California or lost their lives trying to get there. Some struck it rich and others failed but only a handful ever went home. Tragically, Marshall was shoved aside in the battle for riches. After prospectors grabbed his land at Coloma, he tried mining elsewhere but he never made a go of it and finally set up a blacksmith shop. There he died in 1885, lonely, disappointed, and penniless. Sutter likewise failed to profit from the discovery at his mill. Though he also tried gold mining and bitterly fought for his claims, he died a bankrupt in Washington where he had gone to make one last effort to regain his land. California's gold, it has been said, laid a curse on the men who found it. Courtesy of The Home Insurance Co. of N.Y. FLAG'S UP Gathered around a roaring fire on the shore of a frozen lake a group of men tell tall tales while eggs and bacon sizzle in a skillet. Suddenly comes the shout, "Flag's up!" and they all make a dash for the ice. These men seemingly relaxing in cozy comfort are engaged in ice fishing. Instead of envying lucky fellows who can take a trip to southern climes or

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impatiently waiting till spring to wet a line, during the winter months many anglers find this venerable sport exceedingly satisfactory. Indeed, some of its devotees go so far as to claim that they make bigger hauls than warmweather fishermen. The basic procedure is to chop holes in the ice of a lake or frozen stream and fish through them. Some people use a hand line but the time-honored method is to chisel out a number of holes and put down a lure in each with some sort of tip-up to signal when a fish is on the line. This latter method has the advantage of permitting anglers to thaw out around a fire while waiting for a bite. The number of holes that may be used is determined by the fishing laws in the various states; moreover, in some states the use of tip-ups has been outlawed. One of the indisputable advantages of ice fishing is that as no casting is involved or elaborate tackle required, the equipment is simple and inexpensive. Much of it, in fact, can be homemade. In order to hack holes in the ice, the angler has to have a chisel, and, says the voice of experience, it's well to have a long rope attached in case it slips out of numb hands into the icy water. The bottom edge of the hole should be smoothed, for sharp ice can cut a line asunder just like a razor. Furthermore, experts caution against making holes too small. On the other hand, ice holes should not be so large that anyone could fall through. After being covered with a light dusting of snow or a thin shell of ice, fishing holes are perilous for the unwary sportsman. Indeed, ice fishermen are urged to use the utmost caution at all times, to test ice carefully with an axe or pole before venturing on it, and to mark all danger areas. The two most critical periods of the year are the early part of the winter before lakes and streams have frozen solid and again at the time when the ice begins to break up in the spring. But even in coldest weather there are hazardous spots such as those found in spring-fed streams and swampy creeks. Courtesy of The Home Insurance Co. of N.Y.

"SITS OF HUJIfOE, c^a^a^y.ol^fti'V^fa^a^tii'^n^g

Bits of Humor A man entered a neighborhood pool hall with a piece of paper in his hand and said: "This is a list of all the men I can whip." "Is my name there?" asked a husky, broadshouldered bricklayer. "Yes."

Three men were repairing telephone wires. As Betty drove along in her car she saw all three men climbing poles. She said, "Look at those nuts! You'd think I had never driven a car

"Well, you can't whip me!" "Are you sure?" "Darn right, I'm sure!" "Okay," replied the man, "I'll take your name off the list."

before." A newly made widow called at the insurance company office for the

Joe: "My uncle knew a month before his death the exact date he was going to die." Moe: "How did he know?" Joe: "The judge told him." A man in a restaurant complained to his waiter: "I don't like all the flies in here." "Very well, sir," the waiter said helpfully. "Just point out the ones you dislike and I'll put them out."

money due her late husband's policy. The manager said, "I'm very sorry, madam, to hear of your loss." "That's just like you men," she snapped, "Always sorry when a poor woman gets a chance to make a little money." The Army psychiatrist wanted to be sure that the newly enlisted rookie was perfectly normal. Suspiciously he said: "What do you do for your social life?" "Oh," the man blushed, "I just sit around mostly."

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with

." gi"rlNso?p"e "Don't you even want to?" The man was uneasy. "Well, yes, sort of." "Then, why don't you?" "My wife won't let me, sir."

The courtroom was crowded as the judge finished his lecture to the defendant in a divorce case. "So, I've decided to give your wife $50 per month," the judge concluded. The defendant's face lit up. "That's swell, Judge," he smiled. "I'll try to slip her a couple of bucks now and then myself." "Lady," demanded the traffic cop wearily, "don't you know this is a safety zone?" "Why, yes," she said brightly. "Of course I know; that's why I drove in

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A Midwestern senator bragged to a colleague: "We grow corn so big that I've seen fifteen crows roosting on The a single ear." senator protested: second "We grow big corn in my state, too, but I've never heard of anvthing like "Well," admitted the first, "I guess I did exaggerate just a bit. Come to think that." of it. that fifteenth crow had only one foot on the cob." A woman appeared at the police station to report that her husband had disappeared. She gave the desk sergeant a picture of the missing man. After looking at the picture the sergeant said: "In case we find him, is there any message you would like give him?" to "Yes," replied the wife, "tell him Mother didn't come after all." The worried mother waited until after her child's violin lesson and

here."

approached the boy's teacher. "Prof, how is Willie making out

"Father," asked the small boy, "which can go faster, horses or

in his lessons?" "Fine, fine!" boomed the teacher. "His progress on the violin is very good. He's playing some very nice

buses?" "Buses, of course," answered the father impatiently. "Then why," asked the small boy, "don't you bet on the buses?" A little pig became a ham. which was made into sandwiches by a beautiful woman. "He died a gentleman." said his mourners. "His last act was to give his seat to a lady." "I know I'm not much to look at." admitted the suitor. "Oh, well." philosophized his bride-to-be. "you'll be at the o\1wq most of the time."

tunes now." "Oh," beamed the mother, "do you really think so? His father and I were afraid we were merely getting used to it!" "Can you imagine, just as the bride approached the altar the groom turned and ran out of the church." "Lose his nerve?" "Nope, found it." Curt: I sure made a hit with the prettiest girl at the picnic. Every time 1 looked at her she was eating a hot dog and watching me. Bert: Maybe you had the mustard.

BITS OF HUMOR A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But, finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to

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snapped, "that you couldn't sit on a jury and judge your own case." "Well, I suppose not," the defendant admitted. "I did think it was a bit of luck."

say: "I hope, Doctor, you don't mind Brian being in there." "No," said the doctor calmly. "Hell be quiet in a moment when he gets to the poisons."

Sam complained, "I don't know what Ralph does with his money.

I ittle Billy was watching his mother cold-cream her face before going to bed. After watching intently, he asked:

"No, I tried to borrow from him."

"Mommy, what are that for?" "To make me pretty," Then as she began to cream with tissue, Billy

you doing she replied. remove the exclaimed:

"It didn't work, did it?"

He was broke last week and he's broke again today." "Is he asking for a loan?" Frank asked.

"You

don't seem to realize on

which side your bread is buttered." "What does it matter? I eat both

sides." Small boy scowling over report card said to his dad: "Naturally I seem stupid to my teacher; she's a college graduate."

A woman's husband had been dangerously ill but finally the doctor announced that the man would live. "What do you mean?" demanded the wife. "You told me he couldn't last another two weeks." "Well, I'm going to cure him after all," replied the doctor. "Surely you're glad, aren't you?" The woman wrinkled her brow in thought.

During a community drive to round up unlicensed dogs, a policeman whistled an automobile to the curb. When its driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the dog on the seat beside him. "Does your dog have a license?" he asked. "Oh, no," the man said quickly. "He doesn't need one. I do all the driving myself."

"It puts me in a kind of a hole," she said finally. "I've gone and sold his clothes to pay for his funeral."

When a company's ace salesman was transferred from New York to

When the defendant's name was called in court, to everyone's amazement, he stood up in the jury box.

company's best salesman, he had one serious vice— gambling. When he arrived, his new boss

"What are you doing there?" barked the clerk.

said, "Young man, I'm sorry to hear that you like to gamble. What do

"I was called to serve on the jury," came the meek reply. "But you must have known," the clerk

bet on?" answered the salesyou"Anything," man. "For instance, I'll bet you

Chicago, his boss sent along a letter explaining that while he was the

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twenty-five dollars that you have a

of the door, came loud thumps and

mole on your right shoulder." "I'll take that bet," said the sales manager, and peeled off his coat and shirt. The salesman paid off, and his new boss wrote New York about the incident, boasting that he had

the agonized voice of Mr. Brown demanding that his wife open it at once.

already taught the young man a lesson. In a few days he received this reply: "He wins again. Before he left he bet me $200 that he would have the shirt off your back live minutes after he met you." "Do you sing and play much?" a young man asked the pretty girl who was carelessly strumming the keys of the piano. "Only to kill time," she replied. "You've got a fine weapon, I must admit," ventured the young man.

"But women Brown objected.

are here." Mrs.

"The heck with them." yelled Mr. Brown. "I'm out in the ballroom." When

a doctor called to a house

to attend a confinement had been upstairs afew minutes, he came down and asked for a corkscrew. The anxious father-to-be gave him one, and he went upstairs. A few minutes later he came down again and asked for a screwdriver. He went back with it and left the head of the house chewing his nails. On his third trip, he asked for a chisel and mallet. "Good heavens. Doctor," the worried husband said, "is everything all

Henry Brown arrived late at the country-club dance and discovered that in slipping on the icy pavement, he had torn one knee of his trousers.

right? Is it a boy or a girl?'' "Don't know yet." replied the doctor, "Can't get my medicine case

"Come into the ladies' dressing room, Henry," said his wife. "There's no one here and Til pin it up for you." Examination showed that the rip was too large to be pinned. A maid furnished needle and thread and was

His car was in the garage for repairs, so Jim Brown told his wife to open." take a taxicab to work. Mrs. Brown, nearly late for work, phoned for a cab and when the car turned into her driveway, she rushed

stationed at the door to keep out intruders, while Mr. Brown removed his trousers. His wife went busily to work. Presently at the door sounded excited voices. "We must come woman was saying.

in. Maid." a

"Mrs. Jones is ill. Quick, let us "Here," said the resourceful Mrs. in." Brown to her terrified husband, "get into this closet for a minute." She opened the door and pushed her husband through it just in time. But instantly, from the opposite side

out, got in, and told the driver hurriedly where she wanted to go. On arrival, she asked how much she owed for the ride. "Lady, you don't owe me a thing," said the driver. "1 was just turning around in your driveway." "Man overboard!" shouted the young sailor on his first voyage. Amid great confusion, the ship was stopped. The sailor stepped up to the captain, saluted and said: "I'm sorry, sir. I made a mistake when 1 said 'Man overboard.' "

BITS OF HUMOR "Thank God!" said the captain, signaling for full steam ahead. "Yeah," explained the sailor. "It was a dame." As the train pulled into the station, the porter knocked on a compartment door. "Chicago," he announced. "Shall I brush you off, madam?" "Certainly not," she replied icily, "I'll descend in the usual way." "Well, Pat," said a friend at the bedside of the dying Irishman, "have ye made peace with God and denounced the divil?" "Shure," said Pat, "I've made peace with God— but I'm in no position to antagonize anybody!" Wife: "What's the idea? You yawned four times while I was talking to you." Hubby: "I wasn't yawning. I was just trying to say something."

159 A wealthy society lady had just engaged a new maid and was instructing her. "At dinner, Mary," she explained, "you must remember always to serve from the left and take the plates from the right. Is that "Yes, ma'am," answered the girl clear?" condescendingly. "What's the matter, superstitious or something?" "I say, Waiter, call the manager, I can't eat this awful stuff." "It's no use, sir, he wouldn't eat it either." At the public library, a small boy presented a well-worn, dirty volume at the return desk. The librarian glanced at the book, leaned forward to take in the size of the boy, and then remarked, "This is rather technical, isn't it?" Planting his feet firmly on the floor the boy, half-defiant, said, "It was that way when I got it." The employment clerk checking over the applicant's papers, was amazed to note the figures 107 and

A gentleman came into a Paris barbershop with a small boy one day and explained that since he had an appointment in the neighborhood he would like his own hair cut first. This accomplished, he handed the small boy up into the chair, urged patience upon him, and departed. When the boy's haircut was finished, the gentleman had not returned, and the barber told the boy to wait. A

111 in the spaces reserved for "Age of father, if living," and "Age of mother, if living." "Are your parents that old?" asked the surprised clerk.

half hour passed. "Don't worry," said the barber reassuringly. "I'm sure your father will be back soon." The boy looked startled. "He isn't my father," he said. "He just came up to me in the street and said,

squarely on the camel's back and waited. Nothing happened. "Wrong straw," he muttered, and hurried off.

'Come along, let's both get a haircut.' "

"Nope," was the answer, "but they would be, if living." At the circus in Chicago last year a man was observed near the camels. He picked up a straw, placed it

"You look all-in today, Bill. What's the trouble?" "Well, I didn't get home until after daylight, and I was just un-

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dressing when my wife woke up and said: 'Aren't you getting up pretty early, Bill?' In order to save an argument Iput on my clothes and came down to the office." An acquaintance in the garment business sent a mild dunning letter to a fair femme who had been remiss in payments on a fur coat. In part, the letter read: "What would your neighbors think, if we found it necessary to come and take back your fur coat?" And several days later the collection manager got his reply: "I have taken the matter up with my neighbors as you suggested, and they think it would be a lousy trick!" "Why don't you get a good brush?" inquired an employer of his decorator. "You can do twice as much work." "Mister," replied the painter, shifting his gum, "I just ain't got twice as much work to do." Some time ago in Kansas a mail sack, bulging with letters, fell under the wheels of a train and was cut to shreds. The scraps and tatters were collected and the whole jumble dropped into the post office's lap to be pieced together. The post office was equal to the task. The job was done so thoroughly that one man received aletter he'd read, torn up, and thrown away while waiting for his train on that fateful day.

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"My darling," he said, "Let me feast my eyes upon your lovely face, and I'll buy you a sable muff. Let me hold your hand and 111 give you a red fox scarf. Let me kiss you and I'll give you a mink cape. Let me—" "Stop!" she cried. "That's fur enough!" "Well, thank goodness they're giving up on this bill— it's their final notice." Then there's this leader of this posse who says to the hoss thief: "I have noose for you." "Don't be so nervous," whispered the fight manager, cheerily. "Remember—if he was any good he wouldn't be fighting you." "I'm not wealthy and I don't have a yacht and a convertible like Jerome Green," apologized the suitor. "But, darling, I love you." "And I love you, too," replied the girl. "But tell me more about Jerome." "For twenty years," mused the man at the bar, "my wife and I were ecstatically happy." "Then what happened?" asked the bartender. "We met." "Well, I had quite a day at the office," announced the business tycoon to his wife. "I took an aptitude

A local busybody, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, asked an expectant mother point-blank whether she was going to have a

"Oh, good grief!" breathed his wife. "It's certainly lucky you own

baby. "Oh, goodness, no," the young woman said pleasantly. "I'm just carrying this for a friend."

Did you hear the sad story of the two red corpuscles who loved— in vein?

thetest." company!"

BITS OF HUMOR In a supermarket the other day, I heard a wife remark philosophically to her husband: "Look at it this way, dear— the more it costs the more green stamps we get!" Panhandler: "Will you give me a dime for a cuppa coffee?" Pedestrian: "No, I don't give money to people on the street." Panhandler: "What should I do, open up an office?" A burglar's wife was badgering him for money. "Okay, okay, stop nagging," grumbled the man. "I'll get you some as soon as the bank

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A Kentucky colonel always closed his eyes when he took a drink. When questioned concerning this habit he readily explained: "The sight of good lickah, suh," he said, "always makes my mouth watah, suh, an' I do not like to dilute my drink, suh." A church worker approached the town skinflint soliciting funds for foreign missions. "Huh, I never give a dime to them!" said the miser. The worker held out the bag in which she was collecting money and said: "Well, in that case, help yourself to some of this money! It's for the heathen,

closes!" "Just once, I'd like to see a waitress with enough courage to lay a check on the table face up." Father: "So you want to become my son-in-law, do you?" Suitor: "No, sir, I really don't. But I want to marry your daughter and I don't see how I can avoid it." "How do you do, my dear?" said the old lady to the little girl. "Quite well, thank you," was the polite reply. There was a pause and then the old lady asked, "Why don't you ask how I am?" "Because," said the child calmly, "I'm not interested." Said the clerk to the couple requesting a marriage license: "I'm sorry, but a license can be issued only when the form is properly filled out." "That's ridiculous!" snapped the groom-to-be. "I can marry her regardless of what she looks like!"

you know!" A famous financier was intercepted between his office and his waiting limousine by an ambitious shoe shine boy. "Shine your shoes, Mister?" the boy asked pleasantly. "No, thanks," said the financier. "Shine 'em so's you can see your "No!" face in 'em?" "Coward!" Farmer: "You must be brave to come in a parachute in a hundredmile gale like this." Stranger: "I didn't come down in a parachute. I went up in a tent!" "Henry, dear, we've been going together for fifteen years. Don't you think it's time we were married?" "Yep, but who on earth would have either of us?" Lawyer, reading a client's last will and testament to a circle of expectant relatives: "And so, being of sound mind, I spent every cent I had before I died."

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A vain young man, honoring a girl with his presence, wanted to make sure that she appreciated her blessings. "I suppose," he remarked, "You've been out with worse-looking fellows?" She didn't answer, so he repeated the question. "Just a minute," she said impatiently. "I'm trying to remember." Lady: "Well, Doctor, was my operation a success?" Man: "I'm not your doctor, I'm St. Peter." Bus Driver: "Madam, are these seven children yours or is it a picnic?" Busy Mother: "They're all mine and I assure you it is no picnic!" "Friend of the bridegroom?" asked the usher at the wedding. "Certainly not!" replied the dignified matron. "I'm the bride's mother." Housewife (to salesman at door): "I am not in the market for a vacuum cleaner, but try the people next door. We borrow theirs and it is in terrible condition." Minister: "Do you say prayers before eating?" Little Boy: "No, sir, I don't need to. My mother's a good cook." "Have you and your boss ever had any difference of opinion?" "Yes, but he doesn't know anything about it!" He was leading a handsome boxer on a new leash when he met his friend. "Look, Archie, what I got for my wife this morning." Archie gazed in unmeasurable ad-

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miration. "Gosh, you have all the luck. Wish I could make a trade like that!" A doctor who had just started his practice examined his first patient. He could think of no diagnosis of the symptoms so he said, "Have you had this rash before?" "Sure," the patient replied, "I've had it twice before." "Well," said the doctor with more assurance, "You've got it again." A young draftee, in the Army just long enough to catch on to things, was caught loafing by his sergeant. "What are you doing?" barked the three-striper. "Well— uh— I'm procrastinating." The sergeant looked puzzled for a moment than roared: "Okay, just as long as you keep busy." Teacher: "What is the difference between a primitive man and a modern man?""When his wife talks too Pupil: much, modern man goes to his club, while the primitive man reached for

The hotel clerk was losing his patience. "Look," he said, "I've told you a dozen times we don't have any rooms. We're full!" "If President Kennedy came in," the man persisted, "you'd have a room for him, wouldn't you?" "Why, of course," the clerk admitted. "Then let me have his room. He's not coming." The story of a sad-faced fellow touched the merchant's heart so much that he filled a large sack with groceries and said, "These are on me-hope they help."

BITS OF HUMOR Misty-eyed, the fellow started out, then turned back. "Need something else?" asked the merchant. Came the sad reply, "How about my Green Stamps?" Typist: "But, Professor, isn't this the same exam you gave last year?" Professor: "Yes, but I've changed the answers." There was the wife who complained to her husband, "Look at the old clothes I have to wear; if anyone came to visit they would think I was the cook." The husband replied, "Well, they'd change their minds if they stayed for dinner." A sad-faced man came into a flower shop early one morning. The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, but he guessed wrong. The customer wanted a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary. "And what day will that be?" the clerk asked. Glumly the man replied, "Yesterday." The difference between a man and a woman is that the man will pay two dollars for a one dollar item while a woman will pay one dollar for an item she doesn't want. Judge: "Do you challenge any of the jury?" Defendant: "Well, I think I could lick that little fellow on the end." The second-grade teacher strained to help a pupil don his galoshes. After five minutes of grunting and struggling, the boy panted. "They were hard to get on because they're not mine."

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In despair, the teacher struggled to get them off again. Just as soon as they were off, the boy said, "They're my brother's, but I wear them because I don't have any." "All really intelligent men are conceited," decided a girl. Her boy friend shrugged his shoulders, "Oh, I don't know— I'm Barber: "Your hair is turning not." Customer: "I'm not surprised. sir." gray, Hurry up!" "But, darling," said the prospective bride, "if I marry you I'll lose "Can't we keep our marriage a secret?" my job."asked her fiance. "But suppose we have a baby?" "Oh, we'll tell the baby, of course." There was a Texas millionaire whose check was returned from the bank, marked: "Insufficient funds— not you, us." This is a country of faith. On the installment plan you can buy what you can't afford. On the stock market you can sell what you don't own, and on the tax form they take away what you haven't borrowed yet. "If any man here," shouted the temperance speaker, "can name an honest business th«t has been helped by the saloon, I will spend the rest of my life working for the liquor A man in the audience arose. "I consider people." mine honest," he said, "and it has been helped by the saloon." "What is your business?" asked the orator. "I, sir," replied the man, "am an undertaker."

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Our priest illustrated a point in his sermon by saying that a wise providence knows who grows best in the sunlight, and who needs the protection of shade. "You know that you plant roses in the sun," he explained, "but if you want your fuchsias to grow they must he kept in a shady nook." A woman sought him out after Mass. "Father," she gushed, "you don't know how much your sermon has helped me." For a fleeting moment, Father's heart glowed, but then the woman added, "I never did realize before just what was the matter with my fuchsias." A guy came home wearing a new hat. His wife said: "Where get that hat?" He said, "At ance sale." She said, "No they wanted to clear it out—

did you a clearwonder it makes

you look like an idiot." He said, "I know it." "Well, then," she said, "why on earth did you buy it?" "I'll tell you," he said, "when I put it on and looked at myself in the mirror 1 looked too stupid to argue with the clerk." A lecturer was describing the effects of continuous indulgence in the use of alcohol. He mentioned a case in which a man had drunk to excess for a number of years and was so saturated with alcoholic fumes that one night when he was blowing out a candle his breath took fire, causing his death. One of the audience said that he wished to thank the lecturer for having saved his life. "How have 1 saved your life?" asked the speaker. "How?" replied the nan. "No more candles for me. I'm going allelectric."

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Mr. Jones was mowing the lawn when he saw a large moving van pull up to the door. He rushed in to his wife and asked her what it was all about. "It's the furniture folks," his wife informed him in a whisper. "They've come for the piano." "But I gave you the money for the next installment," he reminded her. "Yes, I know, dear." she answered. "I'm going to pay them as soon as they have it downstairs. I've decided to have it in the living room." The doctor was having a polite argument with a patient over the amount of a bill. "You must remember, Mr. Dingle," said the doc, "you were in pretty bad shape and I fixed you up. You wouldn't question an auto mechanic who got your car running again, would you?" "That has nothing to do with this case," insisted Dingle. "If I had a car that was in the condition 1 was in, I'd trade it for a new one." An Indian had gone to see the doctor, who, after examining him, told him to be careful about what he ate— in fact, not to eat at all until he got an appetite. Meeting the Indian a few days later, the doctor asked how he felt. "Oh, I feel fine now," he replied. "I wait one day, appetite no come, wait two day, appetite no come, wait three day. appetite no come, get so hungry eat anyway." Not Guilty: The Sunday school teacher was reviewing a lesson. "Who led the children of Israel out of Egypt?" she asked the class. There was no answer, but a little boy in the back row raised his hand.

BITS OF HUMOR "Do you know, Jimmy?" the teacher asked. "It wasn't me," Jimmy said timidly. "We just moved here last week. We're from Missouri." A mother pigeon and her young son were getting ready to migrate to Florida. The baby was afraid he couldn't make it. "Don't worry," Mama Pigeon said, "I'll tie one end of a piece of string around my leg and the other end to your neck. If you tire, I'll help you along." The junior pigeon began to wail. "But," he protested, "I don't want to be pigeon towed!" The customer in the barber shop was addressed thus: "Your hair seems to be getting thin on top, sir. Have you tried our own brand of hair tonic?" "No, I haven't," responded the man, "so it can't be that." Visiting an Indian reservation buy some curios, a tourist asked Indian chief about the size of family, and was amazed when chief said he had 14 children.

to an his the

"Well," said the tourist, "with a family that large, don't you have an endless stream of squabbles and arguments?" "Oh, no," the Indian replied, "We're just one big Hopi family." Motorist: "Aren't you the fellow who sold me this car two weeks ago?" Salesman (proudly): "Yes, sir." Motorist: "Tell me about it again. I get so discouraged." When a flood washed out the railroad to a small city where he was scheduled to make an address, the late vice-president Charles G. Dawes

165 telegraphed the chairman of the committee: "Cannot arrive on time. Washout on line." He was nonplussed to receive the forthcoming answer: "Never mind wash. Buy another shirt at our expense and come anyway." George: "What did Eli Whitney say to his wife?" Erv: "Keep your cotton-pickin' fingers outta my gin."

A minister, returning home late one night from a sick call, noticed one of his parishioners staggering down the street. "Let me help you to the door," said the minister, guiding the inebriated member of his flock gently home. At the door the besotted man pleaded with the minister to come into the house with him. But the minister demurred on the grounds that it was too late. "Pleash, Rev'ren," the man beseeched him. "Jusht for a minute. I want the wife to see who I was out with tonight." A fireman's organization, conducting a ticket-selling campaign for the annual dance, featured this slogan: "You come to our dance and we'll come to your fire." A boy was a witness in court, and the lawyer said, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?" Boy: "Yes, sir." Lawyer: "I thought so. Who was Boy: "My father, sir." Lawyer: "And what did he tell Boy: "He said the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I stuck it?" to the truth I would be all you?" right."

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The ace sales agent returned after six weeks on the road and presented his expense account to the manager. "What's this big item here on the account?" growled the boss. "Oh," replied the salesman, "that's my hotel bill." "Well," grunted the boss, "don't buy any more hotels!" Boy friend: "I'm not saying she's a bad cook, but I know now why her family prays before every meal." The social worker, visiting the inmates of the local jail, asked a variety of questions as she went from cell to cell. Finally, of one prisoner who was enjoying a long stay in the workhouse, she asked: "Was it your love of liquor that brought you here?" "Gosh, no, lady," he replied. "You can't get nothin' in here." A passenger in a plane sat relaxed at a window observing the spectacle of the heavens. Suddenly a parachutist appeared and drifted by. "Going to join me?" cried the parachutist. "No, I'm very happy where I am." "Just as you like," called the parachutist, "but I'm the pilot." Snodgrass had barely paid off the mortgage on his house when he mortgaged it again to buy a car. Having bought the auto, he sought out the same banker again and tried to mortgage the car to build a garage. Exasperated, the bank official said sarcastically, "If I do make the loan, how will you get the money to buy gas for the car?" "Well, it seems to me." said Snodgrass, "that a fellow who owns his own house, car, and garage should

ALMANAC

Said one cannibal to another cannibal after the jungle party dinner, "I get so fed up with people sometimes." The police suddenly raided a card game and found four men seated around a table. The policemen took the men one at a time. "Okay," they said to one man. "you're breaking the law gambling." "Who, me?" the man said indignantly. "I just sat down here to talk baseball." "You're breaking the law gambling here," the policeman said to the second man. "Who, me?" the man retorted. "I'm a stranger here The third man was dragged out myself." and over. "You're playing cards, too," the cops shouted. "What's all this about cards?" the man yelled. "I'm waiting for a taxi to take me to the train." But the fourth man had a deck of cards in his hand when they brought him in. "Anyhow," the policeman said, "you're playing cards." "Me?" the guy said. "Playing cards? With When several vats in a London who?" brewery were struck by lightning, but undamaged, the beer in them was found to have improved considerably in quality. This is believed to be the first recorded case of a storm actually brewing. The millionaire's wife hovered at her husband's sickbed, as the doctorconducted his examination. Afterward, in the hall, she asked, "Is there any"That hope, depends," doctor?" said the physician. "Just what are you hoping

be able to get credit for gas!"

for?"

BITS OF HUMOR Mrs. Busybody was pumping the local doctor about the demise of the town's richest man. "You knew him well," she cooed. "How much wealth did he leave?" With a tip of his hat, the old doctor replied, "All of it, madam, all of it." "She's mean, all right," said a boy about his teacher, "but she's fair." "What do you mean by that?" asked his mother. "Well," he replied, "she's mean to everyone." A wife in Cleveland called to her husband, "Last year we sent mother a chair. What do you think we ought to do for her this year?" The husband called back, "Electrify it." "What's the matter?" yelled the pedestrian at the driver. "Are you blind?" "Blind? I hit you, didn't I?" A stern employer was reprimanding an employee. "Mr. Smith, I understand you've been going over my head!" "Not that I know of, sir," ventured the timid employee. "Humph," snorted the boss, "Isn't it true that you've been praying for a raise?" A lady was entertaining the small son of a friend. "Are you sure you can cut your own meat, Tommy?" she inquired. "Oh, yes, thanks," answered the child politely. "I've often had it as tough as this at home."

167

The man answered, "The Catholics are conducting the Holy Name The visitor gaze open-mouthed. "Are there this many Catholics in parade." Boston?" he asked incredulously. "My friend," said the Bostonian, "these are just the ones who don't swear." The employment interviewer asked him, "And where have you recently worked?" "I was a psychiatrist in a porcelain factory." "I never heard of such a job," said the interviewer. "What did you do?" The peculiar gleam in the man's eye was in tune with his answer. "I took care of the cracked pots." Prospective father-in-law to his daughter's young man: "And what are your prospects?" "Oh, pretty good," came the cheery reply. "Unless your daughter has misled me." Boy friend of a Palm Springs matron was dragged unconscious from her pool. She got in the way of the rescuer, who brushed her aside with: "I've got to give him artificial respiration." Screamed she: "Artificial, nonsense! Give him the real thing— I can afford it!" The following ad was seen in a small newspaper in a little Midwestern town: "Man old enough to know better desires companionship with lady not

A visitor to Boston on one of the Catholic special occasions was astounded by the tremendous parade filling the streets and asked a man

quite that old." A girl was talking about her two boy friends. "If I could combine them," she said, "I'd be the happiest girl in the world. Frank is gay, suave, rich, handsome and witty; and

on the curb, "What's going on?"

Don wants to marry me."

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During a sermon a baby started to cry and its mother carried it toward the door. "Stop!" called out the minister, "the baby is not disturbing me." To which the mother caustically replied, "Oh, 'e ain't, ain't 'e? Well, you're disturbin' 'im." A little fellow, calling on a neighbor with his mother, suddenly said, "Mrs. Rand, may I see your new bedroom rug?" "Why, Tommy, how nice of you to be interested. Of course you may go in and look." The boy left, then reappeared. "Gee, Mommy," he said, puzzled, ". . . it didn't make me sick!" A little old man was seen every Sunday morning walking to the church of his choice. He was deaf; so he could not hear a word of the sermon, or the music by the choir, or the hymns sung by the congregation. A scoffer asked, "Why do you spend your Sundays in that church when you can't hear a word?" He replied, "I want my neighbors to know which side I'm on." "Have you been to any other doctor before you came to see me?" asked the grouchy doctor. "No, sir," replied the meek patient. "I went to a druggist." "That shows how much sense some people have!" growled the doctor. "And what sort of idiotic advice did he give you?" "He told me to come to see you." "And how were the bath salts?" asked the druggist. "Well, they taste very nice," said the woman customer, "but I don't think they have the same effect as a real bath."

ALMANAC

"Have I told you about my grand"No, and I appreciate it." children?" "Why don't you play golf with George any more?" Pete's wife asked him. "Would you play with a fellow who puts down the wrong score and moves the ball when you aren't "No," she replied. watching?" "Neither will George." A reporter, interviewing a man who had reached his ninety-ninth birthday, said, "I certainly hope I can come back next year and see reachsee100." you"Can't why not, young feller," the old timer replied, "you look healthy enough to me." Sam complained bitterly that his wife was making his life a hell on earth. "How long have you been married?" asked his friend. "Twenty horrible, unbearable "Why don't you leave her?" "I'd have walked out long ago," admitted years." Sam, "but I just can't bear the thought of kissing her good-by." The weary shoe salesman had pulled out half the stock and still could not satisfy the fussy woman customer. Finally, he mopped his brow, sat on the floor, and said: "Mind if I rest a minute, madam? Your feet are killing me!" A little fellow was sitting in the bus when an enormously fat woman entered. She stood for a minute glaring at the seated passengers and then

HI IS OF HUMOR demanded,

"Isn't some gentleman seat?" a me offer going to I he tiny fellow got up and said

timidly, "Well, I'll make

a small

169

senses, he was on the ground clutching telephone wires. "Thank goodness," he murmured, "It's a harp!"

contribution." "So your girl friend jilted you when you told her about your rieh uneleV" "Yes- now she's my aunt." A life-insurance salesman was st. mding beside a tractor trying to sell a farmer a policy, but the farmer, looking down, said, "No, sir, I want no life insurance— when I die I want it to be a sad day for every-

"For months," said the gadabout, "I couldn't discover where my husband spent his evenings." "And then what happened?" breathlessly asked her friend. "Well," she said, "one evening 1 went home and there he was." A shipwrecked sailor was captured by cannibals. Each day the natives would cut his arm with a dagger and drink his blood.

body." A firm stated in its advertisement:

Finally he called the king: "You can kill me and eat me if you want," he said, "but I'm sick and tired of

"Money

getting stuck for the drinks."

returned if not satisfac-

tory." When a customer applied for the return of his money the reply he received was: "Your money is quite satisfactory and we therefore decline

It was during the Nazi regime in Czechoslovakia that a seedy character crept up to the counter of a store.

to return it."

"The Gestapo is after me!" he whispered to the man behind the

A man was telling about the harrowing experience he had out West dining his vacation trip. "It was terrible!" he said. "Indians to the left of me, Indians to the right, Indians to the rear, Indians in front, Indians everywhere closing in

counter. "Please hide me!" The shopkeeper scowled sternly, then pointed to a sign on the wall: "Positively no Czechs cached here." A couple of bebop characters were walking through a Florida

on me." "Whew," exclaimed the listener, "what did you do?" "What could I do? 1 bought a

swamp. One yelled. "Help, Help; An alligator bit oil my leg!" "Which one?" cried his friend. "1 don't know," he answered. "All

blanket."

these alligators look alike."

One bus driver gets good-natured action from his passengers by singing out: "All right, folks, act like you're in church. Pill up the rear!" A swift-driving motorist lost control of his car and ran into a telephone pole. When he came to his

Two

cockroaches lunched in a

dirty old sewer and excitedly discussed the spotless, glistening new restaurant in the neighborhood from which they had been barred. "I hear," said one, "that the refrigerators shine like polished silver. The shelves are clean as a whistle.

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The floors sparkle like diamonds. It's

SO clean . . ." "Please," said the second in disgust, nibbling on a mouldy roll. "Not while [*m eating."

en of Manhattan's Three Side decided to stop in at Eastgentlem lower .1 downtown restaurant for a spot of tea. The waiter appeared with pad and pencil. "I want a glass of weak tea," ordered one. "I'd like tea, too," said the second, "but very strong, with two pieces of lemon." "And you?" queried the waiter of the third. "Tea for me, too, please. But be sure the glass is absolutely clean!" In a short time the waiter was back with the order. "Which one," he asked, "gets the clean glass?" The trial was nearing its climax. On the witness stand was a beautiful blonde. The prosecuting attorney glared at her. "I will repeat my question, young, lady," he thundered. "Where were you on the evening of March 21?" The witness hung her head. "Please don't ask me that," she pleaded. The prosecutor stiffened. "You must tell us," he roared. The beautiful girl blushed. The court waited with bated breath. "All right," she admitted finally, "I'll tell you. I was at home working out a cross-word pu/.zle." "Is that anything to he ashamed of?" demanded the prosecutor, his eyes blazing. The blonde hung her head still lower. "Certainly ii is," she sobbed, " i beautiful dame like me wasting an evening on a cross-word pi

Al MANAC

The weekly pol p, made up t Inveterate poker plavcrs, was in the midst ot in exciting hand when one of the members suffered a heart attack. He was earned to a couch, where he breathed his last. "What (\o we do now?" asked one oi the members. I he oldest player thou moment and then: "Out o\ respect for the departed. I suggest we finish the hand standing

After the wedding, the minister patted the groom on the back and told him, "Son, Clod bless you. You are at up." the end of all your troubles." A few years later, the young husband met the preacher and threatened to beat him up. "What's the matter?" the preacher asked in astonishment. "When you married me, you told me 1 was at the end of all my troubles!" the young man cried. The minister smiled, "Son, I just didn't tell you which end!" A man who had been a husband for ten years was consulting a marriage counselor. "When I was first married. 1 was very happy. I'd come home from a hard day down at the shop. My little dog would race around barking and my wife would bring, me my slippers. Now, after all these years, everything's changed. When I come home, my dog brings me my slippers, and my wife barks at me!" "I don't know what you're complaining about," said the counselor. "You're still getting the same serv-

The new minister's car broke down just after the morning service, so on ice."Mondav he drove it to the lo-

BITS OF HUMOR cal garage for repairs. go a little easy on the the mechanic. "After poor preacher." "I know it," came heard you preach."

"I hope you'll price," he told all I'm just a the answer, "I

171

The old man went in to look at caskets. "Which is better," he asked, "a metal one or an oak one?" "Well," replied the clerk anxious to please, "the metal one would last longer, but undoubtedly the oak one would be healthier."

When the chic, doe-eyed beauty asked for a good book to read, the obliging librarian said, "Do you want something light or do you prefer the heavier books?" "It really doesn't matter," the young woman assured her. "I have my car outside." A dowager remarked that she wanted to send her dog to the dog show. "I don't care at all," she explained, "for the prize money he may win, but I am most anxious for him to meet some really nice dogs." An elderly preacher tells the secret of his success: "Well, each time I enter the pulpit I say a silent prayer: Lord fill my mouth with worth-while stuff and nudge me when I've said enough." Quiz Master: How many successful jumps must a paratrooper make before he graduates?" Contestant: "All of them!" "Dear Editor: Are raw oysters healthy?" Answer: "We have never known one to complain." Danny Thomas told this one on a whirlwind tour to promote a TV series: "Do you know what's being done with ashes of those cremated these days? They're being sent to the cannibal islands to be used as 'instant people.' "

"I notice," the judge commented, "that in addition to stealing this money, you took a lot of valuable "Yes, Your Honor," said the prisjewelry." oner cheerfully. "You see, my mother taught me from childhood that money alone does not bring happiness." One rat, recently returned to his cage, ran to a fellow rat and exclaimed: "You know, I've got Dr. Zilch conditioned!" "How so?" asked his colleague. "Well," replied the first rat, "every time I press the bar he gives me

The owner of the pedigreed pooch food!" was dismayed to hear a friend recommend that he always buy a cheap canine. He was further dismayed when the friend blithely explained, "Bargain dogs never bite." A minister was driving through the country when suddenly his motor stopped. He got out of the car and raised the hood to see if he could locate the trouble. All at once a voice behind him said, "The trouble is in the carbuQuickly he turned around in surretor." prise, but saw only an old horse standing on the other side of the fence watching him. Hardly daring to believe his ears, he asked, "Did you say something?"

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"Yes, I said you'd better cheek the carburetor," replied the horse. Rushing down the road to the nearest farmhouse, the minister excitedly related his experience to the old farmer who answered the door. "Was it an old bay horse with one flop car?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes, that's the one!" "Well, don't pay any attention to him," the farmer scoffed. "He don't know anything about automobiles anyway." A confirmed drunkard had at long last been cured of the bottle and his psychiatrist was about to test him to see if the cure was complete. "Now, then," he said, "what does the name Gordon convey to you?" The ex-drunkard thought. "Wasn't that the name of a famous general?" he said. "Very good," said the psychiatrist. "And what does the name Haig mean?" "He was a noted Earl," was the reply. "Excellent," said the psychiatrist. "And now for the supreme test. What does Vat 69 mean to you?" The man sat deep in thought. At last he looked up and asked: "Isn't that the Pope's telephone number?" The producer of a TV show had made arrangements for the appearance of a talking dog. Then, as an afterthought, he decided that if one talking dog was entertaining, two talking dogs might be worth even more, so the trainer of a second canine was contacted for an appearance. On the night of the show, the proud producer brought the two acts together. At the sight of each other the trainers paled and the dogs bristled.

ALMANAC

"What's the matter?" the producer asked with a sinking feeling. "Don't they like each other?" "Like each other!" shouted one of the trainers. "They not only don't like each other— they aren't speakA bereaved widow stopped in at theing!" mortuary to view her lately embalmed husband. "Oh, you have done a beautiful job!" she enthused. Then, pausing reflectively, she added a bit hesitantly, "There's one thing, though. I know I selected a blue suit, but I rather wish now I had chosen a brown one." "Well, madam," said the kindly mortician, "if you prefer brown, we can easily make the exchange." On her next visit, the widow expressed unqualified approval. "Brown is so much nicer," she said, "but I still feel guilty, putting you to so much trouble." "Quite all right," assured the mortician. "As it turned out, we had a man in the next room dressed in brown; his widow preferred blue. So we made the exchange." "Yes," said the apologetic widow, "but it was still a lot of trouble changing all those clothes." "Oh," said the mortician, "we just changed the heads!" The little old lady was stopping at an old-fashioned hotel in a small town. Ever apprehensive about fire, she no sooner checked into her room than she left to locate the fire escape. By accident she opened the door to the men's bathroom, to face a gentleman reclining in the bathtub. "Oh, pardon me," she said, "I was just looking for the lire escape." She had no sooner gone a few steps further down the hall, when the bathroom door burst open and

BITS OF HUMOR the soaking wet bather clad in a hastily clutched towel ran after her shouting, "Where's the fire!" There was the man who, for his birthday, was given one of those waterproof, shockproof, unbreakable anti-magnetic watches. He lost it. A distinguished statesman, on a lecture tour, stayed at a small country hotel. An early riser, he went down to the dining room in the morning and found only one occupant who rose from his seat as he entered. "Sit down— sit down, son," said the statesman kindly. "But—" protested the yuung man, "but I only want to get a salt shaker from the next table."

173

"For years," said a man at the bar, "I've been weighing myself on those scales that hand out little cards. When I started I weighed 135 pounds. Now I weigh close to 170." "How come you weigh so much?" someone asked. "I'm not sure," replied the man, "But I think maybe it's because my pockets are full of those little

cards." The lovely young model was looking very glum. "What's the matter, Tina?" asked the photographer. "It's my boy friend," Tina explained. "He's lost all his money." "Ah," the photographer was sympathetic. "And I'll bet you're sorry for"Yes," him." said the model wistfully, "He'll miss me."

will never learn.

Inspector: "Don't you know you can't sell life insurance without a

"Where have you been all my life?" one of them asked his new young wife. "Well, for most of it," she replied, "I wasn't even born!"

Salesman: "I knew I wasn't selllicense?" ing any, but I didn't know the rea-

"My wife is always asking for money. Yesterday she asked for $100. The day before she wanted

"My husband would never chase after another woman," said the lady. son." "He's too fine, too decent, too old."

Older men

$70, and today she asked for $200." "What does she do with all that money?" "I don't know, I never give her any." "I resent your remark," said the fifth grader, "an' I'll give you just five seconds to take it back!" "Oh, yeah!" snarled the seventh grader. "Suppose, I don't take it back in five seconds?" "Well," said the first, more meekly, "how much time do you

A quick thinking employee came up with a new one when his foreman demanded, "How come you're sleeping on the job?" "Goodness," replied the employee, "can't a man close his eyes for a minute of prayer?" A man testifying in court told such evident untruths that the judge intervened. "See here," he admonished, "you must tell the truth in this courtroom. Do you know what will happen if you continue to lie like

want?" this?"

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BEST 1 ROM THE FARMERS'

suppose I'll go to hell," replied the"1 witness. "Yes, of course," said the judge. "But what else will happen to you?" The man thought a moment. "Isn't that enough?" "I am making a picture of God," the boy said. "But you can't do that," protested his father. "Nobody knows what God looks like." "They will," the boy said, "when 1 get this picture done." A businessman sought to borrow $100,000 from the bank. "That's a lot of money," said the bank president. "Can you give me a statement?" "Yes," said the businessman. "I'm optimistic."

\I M \NAC

His new patient's lengthy list of aches and pains made the doctor suspect that he was dealing with a hypochondriac; nevertheless, he prescribed pills to be taken regularly. A week later the patient was back —all smiles. "Those pills," he explained, "they're wonderful. I feel like a new man." "Those pills." said the doctor, deciding tobe frank with the man. "are nothing but little balls of bn "Good heavens!" cried the patient, turning pale. "White or whole wheat?" Two fellows met at a bar. "Say," said the first, "what docs your wife say when you're out this late?" "Nothing." replied the other, "I'm notThe married." first fellow pondered for a moment

and asked, "Then why do

Priscilla: "I'm sure, John, there are many girls who could make you

you stay out so late?"

far happier than I could." John: "1 know they could, but

Boss: "What, you want today off because it's your silver wedding anniversary? Am I going to have to put up with this sort of thing every

they won't." The wife was very angry. "This is the last straw. I'm going to divorce The husband smiled weakly, you!" "Now, now, I know you don't mean that dear. You're just saying it to make me feel good."

twenty-five years?" "I had to shoot my dog this morn"Was he mad'.1" "Well, he wasn't any too well ing."

The judge's expression was not unkind as he leaned over the bench and addressed the mousy little man before him. "So you're a locksmith?" his honor mused. "And pray tell, what was the locksmith doing in a gambling dive when he was arrested?" The prisoner, taking courage, grinned back. "He was making a bolt for the door."

pleased." A pretty young lady presented a check at a bank for cashing. The teller examined it. then asked, "Can

you identify yourself?"

looking puzzled, the girl dipped into her handbag and pulled out a small mirror. She glanced in it for a moment, and then smiled, "Yes, it's me

right."

all

BITS OF HUMOR "I still don't get it," a little boy said to his Father as they both dressed for the wedding of his older sister. "Don't father.

get what?"

175

"Don't worry, Murphy," said the chief. "Something's bound to happen. I've still got faith in human na-

asked the

"Why you have to give her away. You ought to be able to get a little something for her." The fussy boss strolled down the aisle among the desks. He saw a cigarette butt lying on the floor.

A woman was congratulating her ture." friend on her remarkable driving ability. "Why, dearie, you handle the car like a veteran." "Oh, is that so?" countered the friend. "Have you ever seen me handle a veteran?"

"Is that yours?" he growled at the meek man nearest him. "No," said the little man. "You can have it . . . You saw it first."

The aged Civil War Veteran was being interviewed. Said the reporter, "You and two others are the sole survivors of the Confederate forces, and there is only one Union soldier

A forest ranger in Arizona saw an Indian riding his horse, his wife

still alive." the time!" snapped the "Now's

trudging behind him. "Why," the ranger asked, "do you ride and your wife walks?" "Because," was the reply, "she no gottum horse." His wife made a millionaire of him. Before that he was a multi-millionaire. Clancy fell off the scaffolding of a building where he was working. There were so many problems with the estate, so many conferences in the insurance company office that when Mrs. Clancy returned home, thoroughly fatigued, she confided to her next door neighbor, "There's so much trouble that sometimes I wish Clancy hadn't fallen off the building." Things were quiet at the police station. One officer yawned and complained: "What a dull week! No burglaries, no fights, no murders. If this keeps up, they'll be laying us off."

Southerner. "We've got them outnumbered at last!" A skinny panhandler approached a fat, rich-looking lady for a handout. "I haven't eaten in four days," he said. "Gracious," she replied admiringly, "I only wish I had your will power." The guest came downstairs after his first night in the hotel. "I trust you had a comfortable night, sir?" said the manager. "I had a terrible night," snapped the guest. "I didn't close my eyes all "But that's your own fault, sir," retorted night." the manager. "If you want to sleep, you must close your eyes." "Yes sir," said the old man, "I'll be ninety tomorrow, and I haven't an enemy in the world." "A beautiful thought," said the visitor. "Yes, sir," went on the old man, "I've outlived them all."

176 n

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opened

Iun< lit 1 1 1 1 • his

lunch

Illl

i he

DOX,

I M:\ll I'Y A I M \NAC

woi 1 1 i

looked

"What i" i

i .'■." d< manded

in

'I

and growled, "< 'heese snnd < heese sandwiches! Always cheese

a. quitting this ni.ai ■ ii

sandwiches!" "Why don'l you usk youi wife to make some othci kind?" asked u fcl low workci

"In . ant v," in. in mind, i '"

"Wile?

Who's

married?

K plied

VOU

l'l.

\ i »nd the

Jul v

I

"What?" snapped the Judge. "All twelve

ot

',

I make "Brethren,"

these myself!" As usual, the girls were about marriage.

talking

"I'll have trouble finding the kind ol man I want to mai i v." I Oltl mented Dcnisc. "He'll have to be •.mail enough to earn a lot of money

said

the

pre

" l oday 1 want to preac li about liai s. I low mam have read die Sixty-ninth ( haptei ot Matthew?" About hall the congregation raised their hand. "You're the

ones

I want

to talk

to." continued the preacher. "There is no Si\l\ ninth ( hapter ot Mat-

hul stupid enough to rive it to me." The reveller was protesting loudly as he was dragged into the suburban police station. "It's an outrage!" lie shouted, when he had calmed suffimeaning

ciently to speak at all. "What's the ol this? Why v\ as I ai

rested?" "You were brought in lor drinking," the sergeant .aid the man relaxed it once. "Ah, well," he smiled, "that's different. When

w and vliii \ *' 'A .mi honor, the evidence shows (...il "What do you mean, dear?" m) client did not cntct the room at lu mothci "' looked I he sad man \ onHusband "I believe I'll go with me." he said, "what bait arc "Tell now using Missionary nn 11\ do \ou look .it .., , ,, . . , l islill. 1 wouUlnl v.lsll .1 (.'tuvk me so uiu-utl\ . , toi in\ own buulu'i I .lumbal "I .un llu- tooJ mspec ,.»»,',, Well, ol course you know your tOl ow n famil) bettci than I vto "Thankfull

What

have

1 to

be

thankful for? 1 can't pa> rm bills." romnw "Mom, is ,1 true that we " 1 luu. man alive, be thankful you camc from dus, .uui return ,0 jus, aren't one ol the creditors." Mi,m »yCSi dear, that's what the says " "Well. 1 just looked un ninei "l can't cat tins sour"' Bible lomm\ Waitei "Sorry, sir, I'll call the dei ihc bed .uui there's somebody managei there, eithet coming 01 going." Oinei "Mi Manager, I can't eat tins siHlp Managei "I'll call the chef." Puui "Mi Chef, I can't eat tins soup " 1. hot "What's wrong with it?" Oinci "Nothing, I haven't got a spoon "

'*l want a reliable chautTcui who takes no risks." said the would-be

emp "I'm youi man. mi." replied the applicant "Ma) I have un salar) in .ul\ am v

HITS OF miMf >k

185

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li • First the 1 ord, then all things living. So each good child should he sowing love's seeds while his lite is crowing: I or all happiness in living Comes from loviuc and from

OVERHEARD

IN

VN

ORCHARD

Saul the robin to the sparrow, "I should really like to know \Vh> these anxious hum. in beings Rush about and worn

so "

BELOVED

POEMS

221

Said the sparrow to the robin, "Friend, I think that it must be That they have no Heavenly Father Such as cares for you and me."

Elizabeth Cheney

LIFE "Life is real! Life is earnest! And the grave is not its goal; Dust thou art, to dust returnest, Was not spoken of the soul. "Not enjoyment, and not sorrow Is our destined end or way; But to act that each tomorrow Find us farther than today." Longfellow DAILY

CREED

Let me be a little kinder, Let me be a little blinder To the faults of those about me; Let me praise a little more; Let me be, when I am weary, Just a little bit more cheery; Let me serve a little better Those that I am striving for. Let me be a little braver When temptation bids me waver, Let me strive a little harder To be all that I should be; Let me be a little meeker With the brother that is weaker; Let me think more of my neighbor And a little less of me. Author Unknown MONEY I once had money and a friend; On both I set great store. I loaned my money to a friend, And took his note therefore. I asked my money of my friend, And naught but words I got. I lost my money and my friend, For sue him, I would not.

222

BEST FROM

THE

FARMERS'

ALMANAC

If I had money and a friend, As I had once before, I'd keep my money and my friend And play the fool no more. Anon. GIVING "Go For "And My

give to the needy sweet charity's bread, giving is living," the angel said. must I be giving again and again?" peevish, petulant answer ran,

"Oh no," said the angel, piercing me through, "Just give till the Master stops giving to you." Author Unknown

SMILE When

the weather suits you not, Try smiling.

When

your coffee isn't hot, Try smiling.

When your neighbors don't do right Or your relatives all fight. Sure 'tis hard, but then you might Try smiling. Doesn't change the things, of courseJust smiling. But it cannot make them worseJust smiling. And it seems to help your case, Brightens up a gloomy place. Then, it sort of rests your faceJust smiling. Anon. WATCH A A A A A A A A

YOUR

WORDS

careless word may kindle strife; cruel word may wreck a life. bitter word may hate instill: brutal word may smite and kill: gracious word may smooth the way; joyous word may light the day. timely word may lessen stress; loving word may heal and bless. Anon.

BELOVED

POEMS

I LIKE STENOGS I like And Whose Are I also

223

. . .

Stenogs Secretaries, modish togs quite the berries. like their skillful, clever,

Deft handling of the day's endeavor. (But— it's a truth I cannot stifle — I like the fact that they're an eyeful.) I like Stenogs, So gay, refreshing, They keep the cogs Of business meshing. The boss's hardest tasks they soften (And do his lying for him, often.) Because stenographers are present The daily task more gently jogs— (And looking at them's not unpleasant) I like Stenogs. Berton Braley SHADOW With time some men gain stature, And with time some men grow small; It all depends on where they stand Between life's sunlit, etching hand, And death's unmoving wall. So stand against that back-drop-wall That none may ever think you small; That future men your shadow see Reflected with integrity, And point— "He went this way"— and say— "He must have been quite tall." Phoenix Hall STENOGRAPHER'S

PRAYER

Dear Lord, I just don't have the time To say an aspiration; My typing, shorthand and the rest Crowd out all meditation. I'd like to say a prayer or two While working through the day, But "Yours received" and "We regret" Are always in the way.

224

BEST FROM

THE FARMERS'

ALMANAC

I know that you will understand And bless a girl who tries; So, if it's all the same to You, Dear Lord, we'll compromise. Each time I type a letter, I'm praying on the keys; The "M's" are pleas for "Mercy' And "G's" are "Glory be's." And when I take a memo, Lord, I'll pray to you again; Each word will mean "I praise Thee," Each period "Amen."

Eileen M. Egan

TIME TELLS When I was credulous, callow and trusting, When— in a word— I was young, Friendship, I thought, was a chain never-rusting, One which would hold when I clung. People, I thought— my illusions were many— Mostly were decent and fair, Enemies? Lordy, I didn't have any, So I was wont to declare. Now, marked with years and life's bumps and contusions, I can smile back at that youth Who was once I— for his eager illusions Came pretty near to the truth! When my encounters with humans are listed, Most people treated me well, Most of my enemies never existed. Most of my friends have been swell! Berton Braley

FOOLISH

FISH

Foolish fish to think that he Can obtain a dinner free; Foolish fish is what I say, Seeking food the easy way. Foolish bass and perch and trout Thinking meals are handed out And for nothing one can gain Anything but needless pain.

BELOVED

POEMS

225

1 oolisfa fish that will not look 'Neath the bait to see the hook; I ooli h fish that will not stay, When the lure is on display, ln.t toi a moment to reflect What for nothing to expect; Will not stop to question why Such a gaudy, tempting fly? Foolish fish, 1 think, and then Comes the thought of foolish men. Foolish men from day to day Seeking wealth the easy way; Promised profits far too great; Then swallowing the artful bait! Offered a ground-floor stock to buy And not even asking why? Foolish men to risk their all On the market's rise and fall: Foolish men who hazards run Which intelligence would shun; Foolish men who suffer loss At the dice box, pitch and toss, Quitting "sense" to follow "wish." Foolish men and foolish fish! George F. Shepherd

GROWING

OLD

Time is cruel, but doesn't care, It slows the step and grays the hair, It wrinkles hands and face and neckIt gives no odds to cither sex. How we take it is up to us— With much of grace or lots of fuss, With dark remorse for tares we've sown, Or working for a star-set crown. 'I is good to know as time speeds by, Whether age makes us smile or sighThat help and strength come from above If we have faith and hope and love. Marguerite E. Bond

226

BEST FROM

THE

FARMERS'

ALMANAC

"YOU" You are the fellow that has to decide Whether you'll do it or toss it aside. You are the fellow that makes up your mind Whether you'll lead or will linger behind. Whether you'll try for the goal that's afar Or just be eontented to stay where you are. Take it or leave it. Here's something to do! Just think it over— It's all up to you! What do you wish? To be known as a shirk Or known as a good man who's willing to work. Seorned for a loafer or praised by your chief. Rich man or poor man or beggar or thief? Eager or earnest or dull through the dayHonest or crooked? It's you who must say! You must decide in the face of the bestWhether you'll shirk it or give it your best. Nobody No one No one Whether

here will compel you to rise: will force you to open your eyes; will answer for you, yes or no— to stay there or whether to go.

Life is a game, but it's you who must say Whether as cheat or as sportsman you'll play. Fate may betray you, but you settle first Whether to live to your best or your worst. So, whatever it is you are working to be, Remember, to fashion the choice you are free. Kindly or selfish, or gentle or strong. Keeping the right way or taking the wrong, Careless of honor or guarding your pride, All these are questions which you must decide. Yours the selection, whichever you do; The thing men call Character's all up to you. Edgar A. Guest © Reilly & Lcc Company

KILLING

TIME

Someone just gave me a beautiful clock Which guards o'er my desk like a dog o'er its flock. It advises me. urges me. warns me and pleads And generally keeps me as prompt as my needs.

BELOVED

POEMS

227

But when in a reverie I glance its way And watch its big second hand ticking away The clock's not my friend but an angel of doom That somehow has settled down right in my room. It's no longer man-made but something with life Recording the story of man and his strife. Each second it travels there's someone will wed And one will be born and another be dead. While onward, relentless, the pointer revolves Though nothing it settles and nothing it solves But breaks into seconds that whittle away Our triumphs and failures, our night and our day. And when I am happy its hand seems to race; I seem to detect a wry smile on its face For it knows not a minute of time can I shelve Since my minutes are numbered from one until twelve. But revenge will be mine and I'll chuckle the day That the clock gets so old I must throw it away. Though it measures eternity and my trip to its portal Of the two of us surely the clock is more mortal! Julian Brodie LINES TO A DAUGHTER-ANY

DAUGHTER

One of the things that you really should know Is when to say "yes," and when to say "no." There aren't any textbooks, there aren't many rules, The subject's neglected in orthodox schools. You can't be consistent; there's often a reason For changing your mind with a change in the season. You may be quite right in accepting at seven Suggestions you'd better refuse at eleven. Perhaps you'll consider these tentative hints: "No" to a dirndl of highly glazed chintz, "Yes" to the bashful young men at the dance, "No" to the man who's been living in France, "Yes" to a walk in the park in the rain, "Yes" if he asks for a chance to explain, "No" to ail slacks unless you're too thin, "No" to that impulse to telephone him, "Yes" to a baby, and "no" to a bore, "No" if you're asked if you've heard it before, "Yes" to a Saturday, "no" to a Monday, "Yes" to a salad and "no" to a sundae, "Yes" to a stranger (but use some discretion!), "No" to three cocktails in rapid succession.

228

BES1 1 ROM

THE

\ ARMERS'

Al M VNAC

"No" if he's misunderstood by his wife, "Yes" if you want it the rest of youi life, mber, my darling, careers and can Depend upon our choices of "noes" and of "yesses." Condensed from II ■ ■ . A'.'t

NEW

FRIENDS

AND

OLD

f I'll NDS

Make new friends, but keep the old; ilvcr, these are gold. New-made friendships, like new wine, Are v/ill mellow and refine. Friendships that have stood the te I ime and chan urely best; Brow may wrinkle, hair grow friendship never knows decay. For 'mid old friends, tried and true, Once more we our youth renew. But old friends alas! may die; New friends must their place supply. Cherish friendship in your breastNew is good; but old is best; Make new friends, but keep the old; are silver, these are gold. Joseph Parry THE

HARD

WAY

TO

EASY

STR1 I I

If you would get to Easy Street You cannot take it easy, Jt is a rough, tough path you beat, A climb that makes you wheezy, For its a paradox you meet When you are on the way there, It's hard to get to Hasy Street And just as hard to stay there. 'I he route along which you must strive Is thorny, thistly, nettled, And when at length you do arrive You're far from being settled, lor if you loaf on Easy St i cut I hinking yourself in clover, Some active guy turns on tin And takes your quarters over. 'I he man lor

who seeks a soft retreat

lazy

inanition

his seal in Easy Street Lased out by competition;

BELOVED

POEMS

229

Though life's reputed to be sweet Ami debonair and gay there, It's hard to get to Easy Street And harder still to stay there!

THAT'S

Baton Braley

SUCCESS

It's doing your job the best you can And being just to your fellow man; It's making money— but holding friends And true to your aims and ends; It's figuring how and learning why And looking forward and thinking high And dreaming a little and doing much. It's keeping always in closest touch With what is finest in word and deed; It's being thorough, yet making speed; It's daring blithely the field of chance While making labor a brave romance; It's going onward despite defeat And fighting staunchly, but keeping sweet; It's being clean and it's playing fair; It's laughing lightly at Dame Despair; It's looking up at the stars above And drinking deeply of life and love. It's struggling on with the will to win But taking loss with a cheerful grin; It's sharing sorrow and work and mirth And making better this good old earth; It's serving, striving through strain and stress; It's doing your noblest— That's Success! Bert on Braley RICH

AND

POOR

The rich have money they may spend, Invest and give away and lend. The poor have little. They must find In simpler ways their peace of mindIn love and friendships, pleasures small; But what's the difference after all? The rich, to be content, must know A home with faith and love aglow; And if the mansion has them not. Who has them holds the happier spot, For always peace of mind depends On being loved and having friends.

230

BEST FROM

THE FARMERS'

ALMANAC

The rich have things to call their own, But joy is not of things alone; And if the poor man's home be glad, Would love increase if more he had? On rich and poor the sorrows fall; So what's the difference after all? Ed par A. Guest © Reilly & Lee Company THE UPPER

ROOM

My shut-in world is very small. There is no view of hills or sea. I cannot move beyond this wall That circumstance has raised for me. Walls can never hold my mind A prisoner within their space, For thoughts are free and to search and find The knowledge of God's truth and grace. Walls cannot restrain my heart Nor my walking on my neighbor's road, For I can play a comrade's part And share the burden of his load. Shut-in walls cannot prevent My soul from climbing heaven's stair, To take the bread of sacrament With lips which speak adoring prayer. When walls shut out the world of men, God's presence true will light the gloom. Shut in with Him a year or two I make of walls an "Upper Room."

NO HELP WANTED Whenever I'm trying to park The sturdy old family ark. There gathers a bevy of chauffeurs And other advisory loafers From all the neighboring sections To offer me expert directions. They mean to be helpful, I guess, And friendly, but nevertheless—

R. W. Johnson

BELOVED

POEMS

231

Oh please let me park my own car; For though I may wobble and jar, I'll make my own errors And pay the repairers For anyone's fenders I mar. Your counsels are better, by far, No doubt, than my blunderings are But— listen, you lice! I don't want your advice, So please let me park my own car! It seems that each parking place hides A flock of these volunteer guides. From hither and thither they scamper To stand around telling me "Cramp her!" "Now— forward two inches or so!" "Now-back just a little bit-Whoa!" They mean to be kindly, no doubt, But still I ungratefully shout: Oh please let me park my own bus! Your efforts serve only to fuss. It doesn't perturb Me, to climb up the curb, I much prefer doing it thus! If owners of others cars cuss, I'll pay for the paint that I muss. Your guidance, by heck! Is a pain in the neck. Oh please let me park my own bus! Berton Braley ONLY

A DAD

Only a Dad, with a tired face, Coming home from the daily race; Bringing little of gold and fame To show how well he has played the game; But glad in his heart that his own rejoice To see him come home and to hear his voice. Only a Dad, of a brood of four, One of 10 million men or more, Plodding along in the daily strife, Bearing the whips and scorns of life With never a whimper of pain or hate, For the sake of those who at home await.

232

BEST FROM

THE FARMERS'

ALMANAC

Only a Dad, neither rich nor proud, Merely one of the surging crowd, Toiling, striving, from day to day, Facing whatever may come his way; Silent, whenever the harsh condemn. And bearing it all for the love of them. Only a Dad, but he gives his all To smooth the way for his children small; Doing, with courage stern and grim, The deeds that his father did for him. These are the lines that for him I pen; Only a Dad, but the best of men. Edgar A. Guest © Reilly & Lee Company

GIFTS TO GIVE To To To To To To To

a personal enemy, forgiveness; a friend, your heart; your child, a good example; your father, deference; your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; yourself, respect; all men, charity. Origin Unknown

SUCCESS Success is not measured in money Nor failure by patches in clothes . . . Success is just living and laughing And enjoying the road that one goes. Success is the love of small children . . . The respect of good women and true . . . For gold, fame and power are rainbows That disappear into the blue. Success is the fond dedication Of every small thing that you do To making this world a bit better For the ones who will come after you! Nick Kenny, New York Mirror

BELOVED IF YOU

LOVE

POEMS

233

HIM, TELL HIM NOW

If with pleasure you are viewing any work a man is doing, If you like him or you love him, tell him now; Don't withhold your approbation till the parson makes oration As he lies with snowy lilies o'er his brow; For, no matter how you shout it, he won't really care about it; He won't know how many teardrops you have shed; If you think some praise is due him, now's the time to pass it to him, For he cannot read his tombstone when he's dead! More than fame and more than money is the comment kind and sunny, And the hearty, warm approval of a friend, For it gives to life a savor and it makes you stronger, braver, And it gives you heart and spirit to the end; If he earns your praise— bestow it; if you like him, let him know it; Let the words of true encouragement be said; Do not wait till life is over and he's underneath the clover, For he cannot read his tombstone when he's dead! Berton Braley TO MEASURE

A MAN

The man's no bigger than the way he treats his fellow man. This standard has his measure been since time itself began. He's Nor He's Nor

measured not by tithes or creed, high-sounding though they be; by the gold that's put aside, nor by his sanctity. measured not by social rank, when character's the test, by his earthly pomp or show, displaying wealth possessed.

He's measured by his justice, right; his fairness at his play, His squareness in all dealings made, his honest, upright way. These are his measures, ever near to serve him when they can, For man's no bigger than the way he treats his fellow man. Unknown A LOST DOG Lost, strayed or stolen— a scamp! Lost, strayed or stolen— a champ! A heart-stealing fellow at any old game, A rascally renegade, 'Tatters' by name, Whose flirtatious eye set the girls all aflame Lost, strayed or stolen— a scamp! He used to go out for three days at a time And then he'd come back with his coat full of slime And a grin on his face that wiped out his disgrace And a swagger that said he was king of the place But now he is gone and there's gloom in the camp Lost, strayed or stolen— a scamp! Nick Kenny, New York Mirror

234

BEST FROM

THE FARMERS'

IF I HAD

THE

ALMANAC

POWER

If I had the power, do you know what I'd do? Ed take this old world and I'd clean it all through; I'd shake out the filth and its wrinkles of sin; I'd scrub and Ed polish till it shone again; I'd dip it in chloride to kill every vice, Then rinse it and rinse it till all clean and nice. I'd work till its black spots had all turned to blue— If I had the power, why, this would I do. If I had the power, do you know what I'd plant trees of love— and I'd care for I'd cause them to grow from the tiniest To the grandest creation that ever grew

I'd do? them too. sprout out

Of doors. Their branches they'd spread, everywhere! Giving comforting shade to those troubled with care. Each stalwart love-tree, with heavenly blue— If I had the power— That's just what I'd do. If I had the power, do you know what I'd do? I'd take this old world and I'd make it like new. Where sin and contention were running full sway, I'd have springs of contentment, bubbling up all the day. Each flower would be fragrant, each bird have a song, And we'd all love each other as we journeyed along. Every word that was spoken would be pure, clean and true, If I had the power— all this would I do. Lila Kaburick A CHRISTMAS

PRAYER

No silvery chime of sainted bell Awoke mankind this morn. No childish chorus heralded forth, That "Christ the Lord is Born." Instead of prayers for peace on earth To greet the Savior's birth We greet it with a mid-night feast Of Revelry and mirth. O, Santa Claus, O, Santa Clans We bow our heads in shame For we have in our greed for gain, Commercialized your Name. There was a time, long, long ago, WTien just some simple toy, A stocking filled with fruit or nuts Filled childish hearts with joy.

BE! OVED But, So That In

POEMS

now 0 Santa. weVe become sordid and blase we now use your form and name man} a de> ious wa\ .

So now, 0 Santa when you come 1 rom your Northland You must bring daughter a mink coal You must brine son a ear. With fear in every heart todaj We pray that you can find Within your paek. Cuvi's loving giftReal peace tor all mankind. HIS PRAYER Pear God, 1 reed You awful bad: I don't know what to do: M\

papa's cross, my 1 cot no frien' but Them keerless angels of the be\ 1

mamma's siek. You. went and brung, ast.

A weenchy, teeneh\ baby girl; I don't see how the\ dast! And God, 1 w ish't you'd take her back; She's jusl as good as new: Won't no one know she's second-hand, Bui 'eeptin' me and You. An' pick a boy, dear God, Yourself, 1 ':\ nicest in Your fold. Bi I please don't choose him quite so young, I'd like him five years old. KEEP

CHRIST

IN

CHRISTMAS

Bring in the yule log and hang high the holly, Mistletoe, spangles and green cedar boughs, Christmas is 'Keep Christ Bring in the Trim it with Trim it with

coming: it's shining in faces; in Christmas' the world to arouse. tree that has grown for this purpose tinsel and bright candy canes, love and concern for your neighbor:

Christ in Christmas' before the trend \ Bring in the basket heaped high for a feast time. Bring in thai someone, n< ected and sad: He is the Gift that has started the giving: 'keep Christ in Christmas

and keep I

- nas glad.

236

BEST FROM

THE FARMERS'

IT SHOWS

IN YOUR

ALMANAC FACE

You don't have to tell how you live each day; You don't have to say if you work or you play; A tried, true barometer serves in the place, However you live, it will show in your face. The false, the deceit that you bear in your heart Will not stay inside where it first got a start; For sinew and blood are a thin veil of lace— What you wear in your heart, you wear in your face. If your life is unselfish, if for others you live, For not what you get. but how much you can give; If you live close to God in His infinite grace— You don't have to tell it, it shows in your face. Anon. WHAT

TO FORGET

If you see a tall fellow ahead of a crowd, A leader of men marching fearless and proud, And you know of a tale whose mere telling aloud Would mean that his head must in anguish be bowed, It's a pretty good plan to forget it. If you know of a skeleton hidden away In a closet, and guarded and kept from the day In the dark; and whose showing, whose sudden display, Would cause grief and sorrow and life-long dismay, It's a pretty good plan to forget it. If you know of a thing that will darken the joy Of a man or a woman, a girl or a boy, That will wipe out a smile, or the least way annoy A fellow, or cause any gladness to cloy, It's a pretty good plan to forget it.

PARENT'S

PRAYER

Dear God. please make him strong Of body, mind and soul Please let him know the right from wrong The weak thoughts from the whole. Let we his parents guide his way To peace and harmony. Please help us in his work and play To brins him close to Thee.

Anon.

BELOVED

POEMS

237

Dear Lord, we thank You for this child You have put in our care. Please bless his eyes that are so mild, His hands and feet and hair. Please keep him safe from all known ill And grow to be a man So he may follow out Thy will On earth, as best he can. A parent's Prayer Who are so wise Dear God, watch Without Thee we

we and all are

bring to You kind. that we may do blind. Barbara Barnes Orteig

BUILDING I watched them tearing a building down,— A gang of men in a busy town— With a yo-heave-ho and a lusty yell. They swung a beam and the side wall fell. I asked the foreman: "Are these men skilled — The kind you would hire if you wanted to build?" He laughed and said: "Why, no indeed, Just common labor is all I need; They can easily wreck in a day or two What builders have taken years to do." I asked myself, as I went my way, Which of these roles have I tried today? Am I a builder who works with care, Measuring life by the rule and square, Shaping my deeds by the well-made plan, Patiently doing the best I can? Or am I a wrecker who walks the to^vn. Content with the labor of tearing down? G. K. Chesterton THE PEST When I am dead and ready for the grave, I want each of my pallbearers to be A man who in my lifetime often gave A loan to keep me out of bankruptcy; For since these people carried me in life By actually paying for my bread I am instructing my devoted wife To let them carry me when I am dead.

238

BEST FROM

THE

FARMERS'

ALMANAC

I have no money, but I'll leave to each Whatever part of me that he desires: My hand, my heart, the tongue that gave me speech, My bosom in which burned celestial fires— The trouble is, perhaps, that one and all Will want the self-same part of me— my gall. Rev. Thomas E. Burke, C.S.C. COURTESY A tiny thing is courtesy, yet bigger than the sky; A thing that you can give away but money cannot buy. It's like a fragile flower to the desert breeze unfurled And warms the strangest places in this cold and thoughtless world. It's Joe the bus man waiting for a lady old and gray . . . It's Jones the banker helping a blind beggar on his way. It's guiding strangers though it takes you off your course a mile . . . It's thanking folks in lowly jobs for service with a smile. It's asking— not commanding— and it's sharing someone's load . . . It's going back to move a rock that blocks another's road. A priceless, endless treasure that's been here since life began Courtesy is the link that binds the Brotherhood of Man. Nick Kenny, New THE

York Mirror

DOG

I've never known a dog to wag His tail in glee he did not feel, Nor quit his old-time friend to tag At some more influential heel. The yellowest cur I ever knew Was to the boy who loved him true. I've never known a dog to show Half-way devotion to his friend; To seek a kinder man to know, Or richer; but unto the end The humblest dog I ever knew Was to the man that loved him true. I've never known a dog to fake Affection for a present gain. A false display of love to make Some little favor to attain. I've never known a Prince or Spot That seemed to be what he was not. And I have known a dog to bear Starvation's pangs from day to day. With him who had been glad to share His bread and meat along the way. No dog. however mean or rude, Is guilty of ingratitude.

Anon.

BELOVED

POEMS

KITCHEN

PRAYER

239

Lord of all pots and pans and things Since I've not time to be A saint by doing lovely things or Watching late with thee Or dreaming in dawn light or Storming Heaven's gates Make me a saint by getting meals and Washing up the plates. Although I must have Martha's hands I have Mary's mind And when I black the boots and shoes Thy sandals Lord I find I think of how they trod the earth What time I scrub the floor Accept this meditation, Lord I haven't time for more. Warm all the kitchen with Thy love And light it with Thy peace Forgive me all my worrying and make My grumbling cease. Thou who didst love to give men food In room or by the sea Accept this service that I do, I do it unto Thee. Anon. KIND

WORD

Did you ever pass a youngster, who had gone and stubbed his toe, And was sitting by the roadside, just a crying soft and low? A' holding of his dusty foot so hard and brown and bare, An' trying to keep from his eyes the tears that's gathered there. You hear him sorta sobbin' like, and a snifflin' of his nose, You stoop and pat him on the head and try to ease his woes. You treat him sorta kind like, and the first thing that you know He's up and off a smilin', clean forgot he stubbed his toe. Along the road of human life, you'll find a fellow going slow, And like as not, he's some poor cuss, that's gone and stubbed his toe; He was making swimming headway, 'til he bumped into a stone, And his friends kept hurrying on, and they left him there alone. He ain't sobbin', he ain't snifflin', he's too old for sobs and cries, But he's grievin' just as earnest if it only comes in sighs, And it does a lot of good sometimes to go a little slow, And speak a word of kindness to a guy who's stubbed his toe.

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You can't tell yourself, and there ain't no way to know, When it's going to come your turn to slip and stub your toe. Today you're bright and happy, in the world's sunlight and glow. And tomorrow you're a freezing and a trudging through the snow. The time you think you've got the world the tightest in your grip Is the very time you find you're the likeliest to slip; And it's mighty comfortin', sometimes I know, To have a fellow stop and help you, When you've gone and stubbed your toe.

IT ISN'T YOUR

TOWN-IT'S

Source Unknown YOU

If you want to live in the kind of a town Like the kind of a town you like, You shouldn't slip your clothes in a grip And start on a long, long hike. You'll only find what you left behind For there's nothing that's really new. It's a knock at yourself when you knock your town. It isn't your town— it's you. Real towns are not made by men afraid Lest somebody else gets ahead. When everyone works and nobody shirks, You can raise a town from the dead; And if while you make your personal stake Your neighbor can make one too. Your town will be what you want to see, It isn't your town— it's you. A DAY

WORTH

R. W. Glover WHILE

I count that day as wisely spent In which I do some good For someone who is far away Or shares my neighborhood. A day devoted to the deed That lends a helping hand And demonstrates a willingness To care and understand. I long to be of usefulness In little ways and large Without a selfish motive And without the slightest charge. Because in my philosophy There never is a doubt That all of us here on earth Must help each other out.

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POEMS

241

I feel that day is fruitful And the time is worth the while When I promote the happiness Of one enduring smile. Author Unknown

DON'T TELL ME Don't tell me what you will do When you have time to spare; Tell me what you did today To ease a load of care. Don't tell me When your Tell me what A fettered Don't Of Don't But

what you will give, ship comes in from sea. you gave today soul to free.

tell me the dream you have conquest still afar; say what you hope to be; tell me what you are. Grenville Kleiser

A MEMORY

SYSTEM

Forget each kindness that you do As soon as you have done it; Forget the praise that falls to you The moment you have won it; Forget the slander that you hear Before you can repeat it; Forget each slight, each spite, eacn sneer Wherever you may meet it. Remember every kindness done To you, whate'er its measure Remember praise by others won, And pass it on with pleasure; Remember every promise made And keep it to the letter, Remember those who lend you aid, And be a grateful debtor. Remember all the happiness That comes your way in living; Forget each worry and distress, Be hopeful and forgiving;

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Remember good, remember truth, Remember heaven's above you, And you will find, through age and youth, True joys, and heart to love you. Anon. I THOUGHT

I KNEW

I thought I knew what true love was, But I did not. I did not even start to know Its power, or what It means beyond the joy and pain That interchange With swift, sweet chaos of effect, Forever strange. I did not know the steady strength With which it makes Mute glory of the humblest task It undertakes. I did not know how it could watch The darkness through— Could heal, forgive and understand As its own due. I did not know— I did not guess— And can but bow Contritely in all reverence, Who know it now! Sonia Ruthele Novak, Good Housekeeping GROWING

UP

When he was just a little lad Of two or three or so, He'd beg to help me with my work But his baby hands were slow. And when he'd ask to dust or sweep Or put the plates away. Or sprinkle clothes, I'd answer, "No, Now run along and play." For I was in a hurry then And he was in the way. Now of course he's older and Has spent a year in school, And though I often ask his help He's busy as a rule With roller skates or baseball bat Or June bugs in a can.

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POEMS

243

He says, "Aw, just a minute, Mom." And has some other plan. How fast a little boy can learn To reason like a man! Zaida D. CI tides ter THE

COMMON

TASKS

The common tasks are beautiful if we Have eyes to see their shining ministry. The plowman with his share deep in the loam, The carpenter whose skilled hands build a home; The gardener working with reluctant sod, Faithful to his partnership with GodThere are the Artisans of life. And, oh, A woman with her eyes and cheek aglow, Watching a kettle, tending a scarlet flame, Guarding a little child— there is no name For this great ministry. But eyes are dull That do not see that it is beautiful; That do not see within the common tasks The simple answer to the thing God asks Of any child, a pride within His breast: That at our given work we do our best. Grace Noll Crowell, Good Housekeeping TAKE

SOMETHING

HOME

Take something home— a little gold, Since gold must give us roof and rafter, And yet a house must also hold A lot of love, a little laughter. I would not scoff at wealth or wages And yet the world, all down the ages, Wished something more Than just a store Of gold returning fathers bore. Take something home— a smile of cheer, However hard the day has been. The day has often been as drear For women by their walls shut in. Not gold alone will make them younger, For hearts, as well, may have their hunger— Oh, when you roam Back through the gloam, To those who love, take something home. Douglas Mai loch

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WITH

ALMANAC

CARE

Two fools had cars they thought perfection They met, one day, at an intersection. Tooted their horns and made a connection. A police car came and made an inspection. An ambulance came and made a collection. All that's left is a recollection. Two less voters in the next election. Carl L. Stader CHALLENGE He goes about his world from day to day Not minding what the commentators say Of nations geared to this atomic pace And hates that pit a race against a race. I marvel that a boy can be so calm And view his future world without a qualm. I marvel, but I know the simple truth— The things I fear are not the things of youth. For greed and war are not within their ken. Until inherited from older men. Harold Gerard THE SIN OF OMISSION It isn't the thing you do; It's the thing you leave undone, Which gives you a bit of heartache At the setting of the sun. The tender word forgotten, The letter you did not write, The flower you might have sent, Are your haunting ghosts tonight. The stone you might have lifted Out of a brother's way, The bit of heartsome counsel You were hurried too much to say. The loving touch of the hand, The gentle and winsome tone, That you had no time or thought for With troubles enough of your own.

BKI.OVI.I) POEMS

245

The little acta «>l kindness, So easily OUt Of mind; 'I hose chances to he helpful Which everyone may find . . . No, it's not the tiling yon do, It's the thing yon leave undone, Which gives yon I he hit of heartache At the setting of the sun. Margaret E. Sangster

FfllNK

BEFORE

YOU

SPEAK

Suppose a neighbor has gone wrong? I lank before you speak! Each life must have some saddened song, Think before you speak! You may have a grief some clay That will lead your feet astray; Then you'll hless the tongues that say "flunk before you speak!" A neighbor's hoy has "got in had"— I hink before you speak! Recall his loved ones, shamed and sad, Think before you speak! Some day your own son may fall; Scorn may push him to the wall; 'J hen your heart will fill with gall— 'I hink before yon speak! If some poor girl has slipped in woe, Think before you speak! Say no harsh word to weight the blow. Think before you speak! Scarlet letters yet may be Hung upon your family tree; Lei us all have charityThink hefore you speak! David

QUESTION I heard a voice from the infinite say: "What did you do for your soul today? Did you help the world sing a happier son^? forgive someone who had done you wrong?

V. Bush

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"Did you help a stranger Did you try to lighten Restore the dreams to an Give a failure a brand

ALMANAC

on Life's hard road? another's load? empty heart? new start?

"Did you coax a smile to a tearful face? Stand by somebody in disgrace? Go out of your way for some wandering boy? Did you build when 'twas easier to destroy?" I heard a voice from the infinite say: "What did you do for your soul today?"

Nick Kenny

From Poems to Inspire © T. S. Denison, Inc., Minneapolis, Minn. WHEN

I PASS ON

When I pass on, I hope to leave behind Not worldly things for some unworthy hands, But grateful mem'ries in the heart and mind Of fellowmen to whom I have been kind. For life is given us to hold a way Of happiness for others we have known— Unselfishly and true, from day to day, To help them bear their burdens as we may. There is no death for those of us who know That what we do in life lives on and on; We reap, the Good Book says, just as we sow; Let's plant our seeds of love before we go. When I pass on, I want no grief, my dears, No sadness in the hearts of those Eve loved; I would but feel that in this world of tears I've helped to dry a few throughout the years!

THE HUMAN

Anon.

TOUCH

Tis the human touch in the world that counts, The touch of your hand and mine, Which means far more to the fainting heart Than shelter and bread and wine; For shelter is gone when the night is o'er, And bread lasts only a day, But the touch of the hand and the sound of the voice Sing on in the soul always. Spencer Michael Free

BELOVED

THOUGHTS

POEMS

WHILE

247

WAITING

In doctors' waiting rooms I find It very hard to keep my mind On magazines I'm reading when I wonder what ails other men And women, too, who sit nearby And wait for treatment just as I. This is not all, for as I wait I find it hard to concentrate Because I wonder equally Just what it is they think ails me. Richard Armour

A LA JOYCE

KILMER

I think that I shall never see Along the road an unscraped tree, With bark intact, and painted white, That no car ever hit at night. For every tree that's near the road Has caused some auto to be towed. Side-swiping trees is done a lot By drivers who are not so hot. God gave them eyes so they could see, Yet any fool can hit a tree. Anon.

HAPPINESS Happiness is like a crystal, Fair and exquisite and clear, Broken in a million pieces, Shattered, scattered far and near, Now and then along life's pathway, Lo! Some shining fragments fall; But there are so many pieces, No one ever finds them all. You may find a bit of beauty, Or an honest share of wealth, While another just beside you Gathers honor, love or health.

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Vain to choose or grasp unduly, Broken is the perfect ball; And there are so many pieces No one ever finds them all. Yet the wise as on they journey Treasure every fragment clear, Fit them as they may together, Imaging the shattered sphere, Learning ever to be thankful, Though their share of it is small; For it has so many pieces, No one ever finds them all. Priscilla Leonard BUM He's a little dog, with a stubby tail and a moth-eaten coat of tan, And his legs are short, of the wabbly sort: I doubt if they ever ran; And he howls at night, while in broad daylight he sleeps like a bloomin' log. And he likes the food of the gutter breed; he's a most irregular dog. I call him Bum, and in total sum he's all that his name implies, For he's just a tramp with a highway stamp that culture cannot disguise; And men; his friends, I've found, in the streets abound, be they urchins or dogs or Yet he sticks to me with a fiendish glee. It is truly beyond my ken. I talk to him when I'm lonesomelike and I'm sure that he understands When he looks at me so attentively and gently licks my hands; Then he rubs his noise on my tailored clothes, but I never say nought thereat, For the Good Lord knows I can buy more clothes, but never a friend like that. N. Dayton Wedgefarth RICHES 'Dad, are you rich? Have you much more Than that old man who lives next door?" I nearly answered, "Why, Sonny, no! I haven't near as much to show." And then, alas, I looked at him— Recalled happy hours with my own son Jim! I heard his mother call and laugh As she turned in our homeward path. I thought of work, of which I'm partOld tasks to finish, new ones to start.

BELOVED

POEMS

I thought of joy with hosts of friends In which the story of all work blends. 'Ah, dear child, there is no wealth Precious as happiness and good health; No treasure store in all the land Compares with friendly heart and hand. When you and Mother laugh and sing, Then I'm richer than any king! I'm rich, so rich, though he next door Possess the world, yet I have more!"

I KNOW

SOMETHING

GOOD

ABOUT

249

Author Unknown

YOU

Wouldn't this old world be better If the folks we meet each day would say: "I know something good about you," And then treat us just that way? Wouldn't it be fine and dandy If each hand-clasp warm and true Carried with it this assurance, "I know something good about you?" Wouldn't life be lots more happy If we praised the good we'd see, For there's such a lot of goodness In the worst of you and me. Wouldn't it be nice to practice That fine way of thinking, too?— You know something good about me And I know something good about you. High Barrett Dobbs

THE CANDLE A candle's but a simple thing, It starts with just a bit of string. Yet dipped and dipped with patient hand, It gathers wax upon the strand Until, complete and snowy white, It gives at last a lovely light.

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Life seems so like that bit of string; Each deed we do a simple thing. Yet day by day if on life's strand We work with patient heart and hand It gathers joy, makes dark days bright, And gives at last a lovely light. Clara B. Thurston

THE TEST OF A MAN The test of a man is the fight that he makes, The grit that he daily shows, The way he stands on his feet and takes Fate's numerous bumps and blows. A coward can smile when there's naught to fear, When nothing his progress bars, But it takes a man to stand up and cheer, While some other fellow stars. It isn't the victory after all, But the fight that a brother makes, The man who, driven against a wall, Still stands up erect and takes The blows of Fate with his head held high Is the man who'll win in the by and by For he isn't afraid to fail. It's the bumps you get and the jolts you get, And the shocks that your courage stands, The hours of sorrow and vain regret, The prize that escapes your hands That test your mettle and prove your worth; It isn't the blows you deal But the blows you take on the good old Earth That shows if your stuff is real. Anon.

WHEN

THE SLIP GETS BY

The typographical error is a slippery thing and sly, You can hunt until you are dizzy, but it somehow will get by. Till the forms are off the presses it is strange how still it keeps; It shrinks down into a corner and it never stirs or peeps. That typographical error, too small for human eyes, Till the ink is on the paper, when it grows to mountain size.

BELOVED

POEMS

251

The boss, he stares with horror, then he grabs his hair and groans; The copy reader drops his head upon his hands and moans— The remainder of the issue may be clean as clean can be, But that typographical error is the only thing you see. Anon.

AGE Age is a quality of mind, If you have left your dreams behind, If hope you've sold; If you no longer look ahead, If your ambition fires are dead, Then you are old. But if from life you take the best And if in life you keep the jest, If love you hold; No matter how the years go by, No matter if the birthdays fly, You are not old. Edward Tuck

THE BOY WE WANT A boy And But we With

that is truthful and honest faithful and willing to work have not a place that we care to disgrace a boy that is ready to shirk.

Wanted— a boy you can tie to, A boy that is trusty and true, A boy that is good to old people And kind to the little ones too. A boy that is nice to the home folks, And pleasant to sister and brother, A boy who will try when things go awry To be helpful to father and mother. These are the boys we depend on— Our hope for the future, and then Grave problems of state and the world's work await Such boys when they grow to be men. Anon.

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FARMERS'

LIVING

ALMANAC

BOUQUETS

"When I quit this And mosey 'round Don't weep, don't I may have struck

mortal shore, the earth no more, sigh, don't sob; a better job.

Don't go and buy a huge bouquet, For which you'll find it hard to pay; Don't mope around and feel all blue, I may be better oil' than you. Don't tell the folks I was a Saint, Or any thing you know I ain't. If you have jam like that to spread. Please, hand it out before I'm dead. If you have roses,— bless your soul! Just pin one in my buttonhole, While I'm alive and well today; Don't wait until I've gone away." Author Unknown

SUCCESS There's no thrill in easy sailing When the skies are clear and blue, There's no joy in merely doing things Which anyone can >Ao, But there is some satisfaction Which is mighty sweet to take, When you reach a destination Which you thought you couldn't make.

MY

LIFE

My life is but a weaving Between my God and me. I may draw the colors. He worketh skillfully.

Anon.

BELOVED

POEMS

253

Full oft He chooses sorrow And I, in foolish pride, Forget He sees the upper And I, the under side. Anon.

THE

JOY

OF GROWING

OLD

Do not fear tomorrow, friend . . . Behold that rainbow 'round the bend! This life is sweet, so smile and spend The joy of growing old! God, in His wisdom, lets us grow Along with those we cherish so . . . They age with us, and let us know The joy of growing old! We learn to love the little things . . . The thrill that children's laughter brings, And from each humble blessing springs The joy of growing old! A child lives in a wonderland . . . Youth laughs away life's trickling sand . . . But you and I can understand The joy of growing old! Nick Kenny, New

York Mirror

A THOUGHT While walking down a crowded city street the other day, I heard a little urchin to his comrade turn and say, "Say, Chimmie, do youse know, I'd be as happy as a clam, If I only was de feller what my muddcr tinks I am, She tinks I am a wonder and she knows her little lad, Would never mix with nutings vulgar, mean or bad, And I sometimes gits to tinkin'— what fun t'would be, Gee Whizz! If a feller was de feller what his mudder tinks he is." My boy, be yours a life of toil or undiluted joy. You still can learn a lesson from the small untutored boy: Don't strive to be an earthly saint, with your eyes fixed on the star, Just strive to be the fellow that your mother thinks you are. Anon.

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LITTLE TOWNS I like the atmosphere of little towns Where knots of people gather on the street Where old men sun themselves on steps and stare And call you by your first name when you meet. The shade trees reach across the narrow v. And whisper secrets to the other side; Good neighbors chat while trimming trees and shrub And ever tend their premises with pride. When sorrow comes to anyone housed there The whole town beats a pathway to that door To offer solace, food and home-grown blooms, Though those in trouble were not known before. I like the atmosphere of little towns I never think of heaven's streets as gold; Just hometown streets behind a gate that leads To scenes more beautiful as years unfold. Ruth Williams Bright JUST A BOY Got to understand the ladHe's not eager to be bad; If the right he always knew, He would be as old as you. Were he now exceeding wise. He'd be just about your size; When he does things that annoy, Don't forget— he's just a boy. Could he know and understand. He would need no guiding hand; But he's young and hasn't learned How life's corners must be turned. Doesn't know from day to day There is more in life than play, More to face than selfish joy, Don't forget— he's just a boy. Being just boynothe'll Much you awill wantdo him to; He'll be careless of his ways, Have his disobedient days. Wilful, wild and headstrong, too, He'll sometimes make his parents blue. Things of value he'll destroy. But reflect— he's just a boy. Just a boy who needs a friend, Patient, kindly to the end;

BELOVED

POEMS

Needs a father who will show Him the things he wants to know. Take him with you when you walk, Listen when he wants to talk, His companionship enjoy. Don't forget— he's just a boy.

255

Anon.

VACATION It seems to me I'd like to go Where bells don't ring, nor whistles blow, Nor clocks don't strike, nor gongs don't sound, And I'd have stillness all around. No real stillness, but just the tree's Low whispering, or the hum of bees, Or brooks' faint babbling over stones In strangely, softly tangled tones, Or maybe a cricket or katydid, Or the song of birds in hedges hid, Or just such sweet sounds as these To fill the tired heart with ease, If 'tweren't for sight and sound and smell I'd like a city pretty well, But when it comes to getting rest I like the country lots the best. Sometimes it seems to me I must Just quit the city's din and dust And get out where the sky is blue; And say, how does it seem to you? Eugene Field Poems of Eugene Field Published by Charles Scribnefs Sons

MY

NEIGHBOR'S

HOME

I know my neighbor's grass is greener The sidewalks and his windows cleaner; His flowers taller, weeds are fewer The paint job on his house is newer. But I don't envy him one bit, Because— as follows and to wit: His view of my place is much drearier While mine of his yard is superior.

Harold Coffin

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OUT IN THE FIELDS The little cares that fretted me, I lost them yesterday Among the fields above the sea, Among the winds at play. Among the lowing of the herds, The rustling of the trees. Among the singing of the birds. The humming of the bees; The foolish fears of what might happen, I cast them all away Among the clover-scented grass, Among the new-mown hay. Among the hushing of the corn Where drowsy poppies nod, Where ill thoughts die and good are born, Out in the fields with God. Author Unknown A BAG

OF TOOLS

Isn't it strange that princes and kings And clowns that caper in sawdust rings, And common people like you and me, Are builders for eternity? To each is given a bag of tools. A shapeless mass, and a book of rules; And each must make, ere life has flown, A stumbling-block or a stepping stone. Anon. A SMILE A Smile is quite a funny thing. It wrinkles up your face And when it's gone you never find Its secret hiding place. But far more wonderful it is To see what smiles can do. You smile at one, he smiles at you And so one smile makes two. He smiles at someone, since you smiled And then that one smiles back; And that one smiles until, in truth, You fail in keeping track.

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POEMS

257

And since a smile can do great good B) cheering hearts of care, I et's smile and smile and not forget That smiles go everywhere. Anon. MY

DOG

He can tell when I am happy. He knows when I am mad, He shuns me when I'm scrappy, He is doleful when I'm sad. He is my boon companion Over woodland, hill and dale, I know just what he's thinking By the way he wags his tail. All night long he's near me My hand upon his head. There's a feeling of contentment When I know he's on my bed. If anything should happen to him, I don't know what I'd do! He seems to be a part of me (I think he knows it, too). And when he gazes up at me, Those wistful eyes of brown Reflect what many humans lack A Soul! in my good hound. Theron W. Kilmer, M.D. KITCHEN

FUN

Serve a laugh with meat loaf Serve a smile with steak Serve a grin with gingerbread And chuckles with a cake Whistle with the watlles Sing a song with salad Hum a tune while kneading dough Don't you know a ballad? Beat time with a rolling pin Tap dance while you fry, There's kitchen fun for everyone Who'll make it-why not try? Anon.

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FATHER Fathers are large people Who frequently declare That ''other children" eat their meals And sit straight on a chair, "Other children" wash their hands According to my Father. They never yell, or lose their hats Or fight, or be a bother "Other children." Fathei Speak when they're spoken to. They answer "Please" and "Thank You" The way I'm S'posed to do. I'm sorry for my Father. Just as sorry as can be: He knows such lovely children 'Nen gets stuck with one like me. Zoa Sherburne THE POWER

OF WORDS

. . .

A careless word may kindle strife. A cruel word may wreck a life. A bitter word may hate instill: A brutal word may smite and kill. A gracious word may smooth the way; A joyous word may light the day. A timely word may lessen stress: A lovins word may heal and bless.

HOUSEKEEPING

MADE

EASY

Before I make the beds. I think I'll give the potted plants a drink. And then before I wash the dishes I'll feed the turtles and the fishes. I've got to scrub the kitchen floor, But first I'll hurry to the store. I have so many things to do. It's clear I never will be through. So I'm inclined to leave the worst To last, and do the soft jobs first. Fishback

BELOVED

ARE YOU

POEMS

FEELING

259

BLUE?

If you wake in the morning and feel a bit blue And wondering whatever's the matter with you, Don't go on a grouch the rest of the day And make other people the penalty pay, Just try to suppress it, and put on a grin And no one will know what has happened within; Speak a kind word, yea! do a good deed, And others your action will certainly heed. 'Twas long ago said, but today it is true, As you measure to others, it's meted to you. John Dale Kempster LIFE'S CLOCK The clock of life is wound but once, and no man has the power To tell just where the hands will stop, at late or early hour. To lose one's wealth is sad indeed, to lose one's health is more. To lose one's Soul is such a loss as no man can restore. The present is our own, live, love, toil with a will; Place no faith in tomorrow, for the clock may then be still. Author Unknown ERASERS Erasers are the nicest things! Of that there is no doubt. We write wrong words. A few quick swipes— And big mistakes fade out. And you will find erasers, Of a very different kind, Extremely helpful, if you will try To bear these facts in mind: When you bump someone in a crowd, And almost knock her down, A soft "I'm sorry!" may bring smiles And rub out that old frown. Apologies, invariably, Obliterate mistakes; And three small words, "I love you!" Can erase the worst heartaches. Author Unknown

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FISHERMAN'S

ALMANAC

PRAYER

Lord, Grant that I may live to fish upon my dying day And when I've made my final cast Most humbly do I pray That when in God's safe landing net I'm peacefully asleep That in His mercy, I'll be found Good enough to keep! Anon. METHUSELAH Methuselah ate what he And never, as people do Did he note the amount He ate it because it was

found on his plate, now, of calory count; chow.

He wasn't disturbed as at dinner he sat, Devouring a roast or a pie, To think it was lacking in granular fat Or a couple of vitamins shy. He cheerfully chewed each species of food, Unmindful of troubles or fears Lest his health might be hurt By some fancy dessert; And he lived over nine hundred years. Anon. THINKING If you think you are beaten— you are; If you think you dare not, you don't; If you like to win, but think you can't It's almost a cinch you won't. If you think you'll lose, you've lost; For out in the world we find Success begins with a fellow's willIt's all in the state of mind. If you think you're outclassed— you are; You've got to think to rise; You've got to be very sure of yourself Before you can win a prize.

BELOVED

POEMS

261

Life's battles do not always go To the taster or stronger man. But soon or late the man who wins Is the man who thinks he can. Walter D. Win tie DRIVE

CAREFULLY

Grant me a steady hand and watchful eye, That no man shall be hurt when I pass by. Thou gavest life, and pray no act of mine May take away or mar that gift of Thine. Shelter those, dear Lord, who bear me company From the evils of fire and all calamity; Teach me to use my car for other's need, Nor miss through love of speed The beauty of Thy world; that thus I may With joy and courtesy go my way. Unknown PLAYIN' SQUARE Don't count the game as lost, my boy, Because the runs are more For the opposing team than yours. What matter is the score? Why, being beaten can't impair Your courage when you're playin' square. When bigger game and bigger stakes Are yours to lose or win, Don't waste your time connivin' for Advantage— just dig in And do your best to claim your share: But first be sure you're playin' square. FAR FROM

THE MADDENING

CROWD

It seems to me I'd like to go Where bells don't ring nor whistles blow, Nor clocks don't strike nor gongs don't sound But where there's stillness all around. Not real still stillness; just the trees' Low whisperings or the croon of bees! The drowsy tinklings of the rill, Or twilight song of whippoorwill. 'Twould be a joy could I behold The dappled hills of green and gold, Or in the cool, sweet clover lie And watch the cloud-ships drifting by.

J. R. C.

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I'd like to find some quaint old boat, And fold its oars, and with it float Along the lazy, limpid stream Where water-lilies drowse and dream Sometimes it seems to me I must Just quit the city's din and dust For fields of green and skies of blue; And, say! How does it seem to you? Nixon Waterman THE

KINDLY

NEIGHBOR

I have a kindly neighbor, one who stands Beside my gate and chats with me awhile, Gives me the glory of his radiant smile And comes at times to help with willing hands. No station high or rank this man commands; He, too, must trudge, as I, the long day's mile; And yet, devoid of pomp or gaudy style, He has a worth exceeding stocks or lands. To him I go when sorrow's at my door; On him I lean when burdens come my way; Together oft we talk our trials o'er, And there is warmth in each good night we say. A kindly neighbor! Wars and strife shall end When man has made the man next door his friend. Edgar Guest © Reilly & Lee Company THAT

LAD

OF MINE

To feel his little hand in mine, so clinging and so warm, To know he thinks me strong enough to keep him safe from harm; To see his simple faith in all that I can say or do, It sort o' shames a fellow, but it makes him better, too; And I'm trying hard to be the man he fancies me to be, Because I have this lad at home who thinks the world o' me. I would not disappoint his trust for anything on earth, Nor let him know how little 1 just naturally am worth. But after all. it's easier, that brighter road to climb, With the little hands behind me to push me all the time. And I reckon I'm a better man than what I used to be Because I have this lad at home who thinks the world o' me. Author Unknown

BELOVED

POEMS

THE INNER

263

MAN

It isn't the things you talk about, No matter how fine and true; It isn't the way you seem to live, Nor even the things you do; It isn't the creed you call your own, Nor the mottoes on the wall; The only thing that really counts Is what's in your heart— that's all. It isn't the many friends you make, It's only the friends you keep; It isn't the you that people see, It's the real you down deep; It isn't what people say you areJust let them talk as they please; It's what you know you are inside. What counts is what God sees. Author Unknown THE LONELY

DOG

He often came and stood outside my door And gazed at me with puzzled, wondering eyes, Like those of humankind by grief made wise— Who feel that life has little left in store. And yet, he never looked unkempt and poor As if he deemed a meaty bone a prize; Instead, it seemed he wore a human guise As though the heart of man he would explore. Then one night on the street he followed me Persistently, until I turned and said Sharp, angry words, which made him quickly flee— His spirit wounded and uncomforted, And now at last I think I comprehend; He only craved an understanding friend. Margaret E. Bruner NO ENEMIES? You have no enemies, you say? Alas! my friend, the boast is poor; He who has mingled in the fray Of duty, that the brave endure, Must have made foes! If you have none, Small is the work that you have done.

264

BEST FROM You've You've You've You've

THE FARMERS'

ALMANAC

hit no traitor on the hip, dashed no cup from perjured lip. never turned the wrong to right. been a coward in the fisht. Charles Mackay

I SHOULDN'T

HAVE

BEEN

STANDING

THERE

I know, I shouldn't have been standing there in everybody's way, I shouldn't have been standing there at that busy time of day. When he came around the corner he must have been goin' lickety-split, 'Cause I thought a mountain toppled when our two full bodies hit. He sure must have been in a hurry by the way he fussed and swore. And he didn't even notice, when I promised I wouldn't stand there any more. But I guess only 'cause he was ruffled that's why he was so downright unkind For I just know he'd have acted differently if someone had told him I was blind. Markey Sullivan A ROVING

ALLEY-CAT

I'm an alley cat— A lean cat and lone. A bad cat; a ragged cat and sad I'm a lanky, scrawny, tailless cat A bobbed cat— a Tom. A hungry, fighting cat and mad, The minstrel of the night— The still night; the dark night and light, I'm no one's petting party Not for me the cozy fireside or the hearth; I'm no lap or cushion cat. But a night hawk bold and free. A wild cat— and glad! A half fed cat— and starved. No ribbon 'round my neck No saucer filled with "muck," I'm just living on my luck, I'm a bold, bad cat with fleas, The kind the dogs like to tease, I'm a target for your missiles and your jests, I've been sworn at and thrown at, I'm lame and have but half an ear But my voice is strong and clear, As I sing my song of cheer On the back fence In the alley at the rear. Mary Cockburn Bomke

BELOVED

POEMS

265

LIFE IS SO SHORT There's a matter I've often given thought, Deep and rather sincere, Can't we treat each other more kindly For the little time we're here? How can we waste one single hour On malice, envy or hate, When even a day or an hour from now To amend it may be too late? Life is at best but a shadow Across the face of the sun, How can we then spare time to make Sorrow for any one? On the sloping hills past the city's gates Lies many a one, I fear, Whose lives might have been vastly different For a little kindness here! J. R. C. A DOG

TO HIS SWEETHEART

I'm sorry, love, I bring so small a bone To put here as a tribute at your feet, 'Twas buried by that collie down the street; I marked the spot and dug it up alone, He might have fought me for it had he known; But thought of you made e'en that danger sweet. You'll note it still retains a shred of meat, Which I had thought of keeping for my own; My daily meals are cereal and cream, Which have no bones and tend to make me fat; Often at night I lie awake and dream, That I have snatched a drum-stick from the cat; My heart is in this gift, though it may seem, So small a bone and slightly soiled at that. Hot Stuff {Cortright Coal Co.) LINCOLN

AT GETTYSBURG

The whole world came to hear him speak that day, And all the ages sent their scribes to see And hear what word the new land had to say Of God and man and truth and liberty. Homer was there and Socrates and Paul, Shakespeare and Luther, Pitt, Cavour and Bright, With Washington— staunch friends of freedom all.

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Nor did he fail; he lifted there a light For all the earth to see, from fires of truth That surged within his breast. Yet that crude throng Of men knew not that thru this man uncouth God spake as thru old prophets, stern and strong. They turned away, these men, but angels bent From Heaven to hear those flaming words, God-sent. Thomas Curtis Clark THE BEST MEMORY

SYSTEM

Forget each kindness that you do As soon as you have done it; Forget the praise that falls to you The moment you have won it; Forget the slander that you hear Before you can repeat it; Forget each slight, each spite, each sneer Whenever you may meet it; Remember every kindness done To you whate'er its measure; Remember praise by others won And pass it on with pleasure; Remember every promise made And keep it to the letter; Remember those who lend you aid And be a grateful debtor; Remember all the happiness That comes your way in living; Forget each worry and distress, Be hopeful and forgiving; Remember good, remember truth, Remember Heaven's above you, And you will find, through age and youth That many hearts will love you. Author Unknown IT FIGURES Home is a more dangerous place for men than women NEWS

Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home For cutting your finger or bashing your dome, For twisting an ankle or blacking an eye, Or breaking a leg when you don't even try.

ITEM

BELOVED

POEMS

267

But women, who stay in the home all day long, Are only the spotters of things that go wrong. They wait till the man of the household returns To light up the furnace and get all the burns. They hand him the knife that is sharp as an adder. They stand at the bottom while he climbs the ladder. They're suddenly helpless and shy and retiring When someone must check on that place in the wiring. Oh, sweet little women do housework all day. They sweep and they dust and they put things away. They've songs in their hearts, and they've lots of endurance, But their husbands, let's hope, are the ones with insurance. Richard Armour in Quote SPRING

CLEANING

The loveliest of days comes when My ironing basket's mountain-high. Just when my house needs polishing, Spring heaves a deep seductive sigh And sends a tantalizing breeze That slides through the door to tempt Me into dropping all my chores And leaving hearth and home unkempt, To wander in the year's first warmth Or hunt for crocus in the grass. I should be scrubbing, I suppose, But days like these so quickly pass, And why should I be dutiful When Spring's so young and beautiful?

Betty Isler, The Christian Science Monitor

THE MICROBE The Microbe is so very small, You cannot make him out at all, But many sanguine people hope To see him through a microscope. His joined tongue that lies beneath A hundred curious rows of teeth; His seven tufted tails with lots Of lovely pink and purple spots On each of which a pattern stands, Composed of forty separate bands; His eyebrows of a tender green; All these have never yet been seen—

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But Scientists, who ought to know, Assure us that they must be so . . . Oh! let us never, never doubt What nobody is sure about! Hilaire Belloc THE CORK

AND

THE WHALE

A little brown cork Fell in the path of a whale Who lashed it down With his angry tail. But in spite of its blows It quickly arose, And floated serenely Before his nose. Said the cork to the whale, "You may flap and sputter and frown, But you never, never, can keep me down; For I'm made of the stuff That is buoyant enough To float instead of drown."

KINDNESS I would From Than to When

DURING

Anon.

LIFE

rather have one little rose the garden of a friend have the choicest flowers my stay on earth must end.

I would rather have one pleasant word In kindness said to me Than flattery when my heart is still And life has ceased to be. I would rather have a loving smile From friends I know are true Than tears shed round my casket When this world Fve bid adieu. Bring me Whether I'd rather Than a

all your flowers today— pink, or white, or red; have one blossom now truckload when I'm dead. Anon.

BELOVED POEMS

269

THE COG I'm but a cog of life's vast wheel, That daily makes the same old trip; Yet what a joy it is to feel That but for me, the world might slip! Tis something after all, to jog Along and be a first-class cog.

Hot Stuff

(Cort right Coal Co.) OUR

FLAG

Oh, flag of my country, red, white How humbly and proudly I stand Resplendent in glory wherever you For liberty and justice throughout

and blue, before you, stand, our land.

Symbol of freedom, dignity and hope, Of all oppressed who in darkness grope, And pray for asylum and haven of rest, In our "land of the free," America, the best. Oh, flag of my heart, Flag of humanity and Loved by all in whose For justice and mercy

the red, white and blue, righteousness, too! hearts deeply you stand, throughout the land.

Oh, flag of America, our land of the free, Keep spreading your spirit o'er land and sea: Foe of feudalism, colonialism, communism, too! I love you, "Old Glory," our red, white and blue. Fly on forever! In America the free, Inspiration to all and those o'er the sea: Flag of my country, red, white and blue, As worthy Americans we stand behind you. We salute you, "Old Glory," we feel worthy of thee As loyal Americans, may we always be free, And the American eagle— our symbol of might, God bless and guide you in defense of right! David Rail HE WILL BE MISSED He wasn't much to look at and he hadn't much to say. To all who wished to pass him by he gave the right of way. To all who asked assistance he would give a helping hand, Since every sort of trouble he appeared to understand.

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He didn't get his wisdom from deep books upon a shelf. He's learned the ache of sorrow for he'd suffered it himself. He knew the disappointment of a fond hope that's denied, And he knew a man is heartened when a friend is at his side. Life has taught him many lessons and not one had he forgot. From his own mistakes and failures down the years he's learned a lot. Now, were I to write his epitaph, I'd make it simply this: "Here lies the earthly body of a soul that many miss." Edgar A. Guest © Reilly & Lee Company TROUBLES Good Lawd sends me troubles, And I got to wuk 'em out. But I look aroun' an' see There's trouble all about. An' when I see my troubles, I jes' look up and grin To think ob all de troubles Dat I ain't in.

Author Unknown

A CHIP ON HIS SHOULDER He always has something to grumble about, Has the man with a chip on his shoulder; The world to the dogs is going, no doubt, To the man with a chip on his shoulder; The clouds are too dark, the sun is too bright. No matter what happens, it is never right; When peace is prevailing, he is spoiling to fight, The Man with a chip on his shoulder. Anon. A HUSBANDS

PRAYER

Dear Blessed Lord, sometimes it is a husband's part To speak about the lady of his heart; The girl he courted, the one who said She'd boast about the man she's wed. Let never come a moment in her life When she'd regret that she became my wife; May her true eyes be just a trifle blind To my defects, my faults of every kind.

BELOVED

POEMS

271

Help me— a husband— accomplish all I can To prove myself in all her ideal man; If I'm not always what I ought to be, Grant she may never lose her faith in me. And may she make allowance now and then Since we are only grown-up boys, we men; Loving our children, may she ever see In them a remnant of the boy in me. Since years must bring their load of care, Together may we every burden share; Bless us, Lord, and the children we beget, And let us face each other without regret. Anon. SELF-RESTRAINT A A A A A

tone of pride or petulance repressed, selfish inclination firmly fought, shadow of annoyance set at nought, murmur of disquietude suppressed, peace in importunity possessed, A reconcilement generously sought, A purpose put aside— a banished thought, A word of self-explaining unexpressed,— Trifles they seem, these petty soul restraints, Yet he who proves them such must needs possess A constancy and courage grand and bold. They are the trifles that have made the Saints; Give me to practise them in humbleness, And nobler power than mine doth no man hold. Leaflets A FRIENDS

GREETING

I'd like to be the sort of friend that you have been to me; I'd like to be the help that you've been always glad to be; I'd like to mean as much to you each minute of the day As you have meant, old friend of mine, to me along the way. I'd like to do the big things and the splendid things for you, To brush the gray from out your skies and leave them only blue; I'd like to say the kindly things that I so oft have heard, And feel that I could rouse your soul the way that mine you've stirred. I'd like to give you back the joy that you have given me, Yet that were wishing you a need I hope will never be; I'd like to make you feel as rich as I, who travels on, Undaunted in the darkest hours with you to lean upon.

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I'm wishing every waking hour that I could but repay, A portion of the gladness that you've strewn along my way; And could I have one wish fulfilled, this only would it be, I'd like to be the sort of friend that you have been to me.

BORROWED

Anon.

THOUGHTS

I'd rather cheer a lonely heart With a simple word, and kind, Than stun a million people With the brilliance of my mind. I'd rather be a little light On a road where lovers stray Than be the biggest, glaring lamp That gleams on old Broadway. I'd be an old forgotten tune Which can the old entrance Before I'd be a modern song, To which the millions dance. And little mother, when you smile, So gentle, sweet and true, 1 realize these thoughts of mine Are things I learned from you. Nick Kenny, New York Mirror THE

MAN

BEHIND

THE SMILE

I don't know how he is on creeds, I never heard him say; But he's got a smile that fits his face And he wears it every day. If things go wrong he won't complainJust tries to see the joke; He's always finding little ways Of helping other folk. He sees the good in everyone, Their faults he never mentions; He has a lot of confidence In people's good intentions. No You The The

matter if the sky is gray, get his point of view; clouds begin to scatter, sun comes breaking through.

BELOVED

POEMS

273

You'll know him if you meet him, And you'll find it worth your while To cultivate the friendship of The Man Behind The Smile. Author Unknown ODE

TO THE

DOCTOR

Who works from morn till set of sun The whole da\ long is on the run. And yel whose work is never done?

1 he Doctor.

Who's roused up in the dead of night B\ someone in a dreadful fright Who's sure The she's Doctor. going to die outright? Who when the days are shoeking hot Can seek no eool sequestered spot Because he must be on the trot? The Doctor. Who when the mercury is low Long weary miles must often go, Through cutting winds and Minding snow? The Doctor. Who has to hear the countless ills And deal out multitudes of pills To those who never pa\ their bills? The Doctor. Who should be placed among the saints Whom history with us acquaints For patient listening to complaints? The Doctor. Anon. IT DOESN'T

PAY

It doesn't pay to say too much When you're mad enough to choke, 'Cause the word that cuts the deepest Is the wend that's never spoke. Just let the other fellow wrangle Till the storm has blown awayThen he'll do a heap o' thinkin' 'Bout the things you didn't sa\ ! James Whitcomb

Riley

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A PRAYER Give mc a good digestion, Lord, and also something to digest. Give me a healthy body, Lord, with sense to keep it at its best. (iive mc a healthy mind, good Lord, to keep the good and pure in sight, Which, seeing sin, is not appalled but finds a way to set it right. Give me a mind that is not bored, that does not whimper, whine, or sigh; Don't let mc worry overmuch about the fussy thing called I. Give me a sense of humor, Lord. Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some happiness from life, and pass it on to other folk. Anon. CLIMBING You have to let go of the rung below When you reach for the rung above: There is no other way to climb, you know; Each upward step brings more of the glow And warmth of the sun of love. But you have to let go of the rung below When you reach for the rung above. Author Unknown WHAT

I CALL

A FRIEND

One whose grip is a little tighter One whose smile is a little brighter, One whose deeds are a little whiter, That's what I call a friend. One who'll lend as quick as borrow, One who's the same today as tomorrow, One who'll share your joy and sorrow, That's what I call a friend. One whose thoughts arc a little cleaner, One whose mind is a little keener, One who avoids those things that are meaner, That's what I call a friend. One who's been fine when life seemed rotten, One whose ideals you've not forgotten, One who has given you more than he's gotten. That's what I call a friend. Anon. WEEDS When 1 put on my worn-out tweeds And with my hands pull garden weeds, The likeness always comes to mind, Tween weeds and sins of human kind.

BELOVED

POEMS

275

For weeds will grow up anywhere In ground that's either foul or fair, And when you pull them, you're not through, They'll grow right up again for you. Some weeds have roots so great in length That pulling them is test of strength, And they should be removed with care Or they'll kill good plants anywhere. It makes no difference where you go There's no place that the weeds can't grow, Some folks keep weeding, others won't, Some folks have gardens, others don't. So weeds and sin are quite the same In growth and action, not in name; But different in their origin, God makes the weeds, we make the sin. Anon. WHEN

MA

AND

When ma is sick She pegs away; She's quiet though, Not much to say. She goes right on A'doing things, An' sometimes laughs, 'Er even sings. She says she don't Feel extra well, But then it's just A kind of spell; She'll be all right Tomorrow, sure; A good old sleep Will be the cure.

PA GET

SICK

When pa is sick He's scared to death, An' ma an' us Just hold our breath. He crawls in bed, An' An' Of He An'

puffs and grunts, does all kinds crazy stunts. wants the doctor, mighty quick;

For He An' He An'

when pa's ill, gasps and groans sort of sighs; talks so queer, rolls his eyes.

An' pa he sniffs An' makes no kick, For women folks Is always sick.

Ma an' runs, An jumps all of us, An' all the house, Is in a muss; An' peace and joy

An' ma, she smiles, Let's on she's gladWhen ma is sick,

Is mighty skeerce— When pa is sick It's something fierce.

It ain't so bad. Anon.

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BEST FROM

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ALMANAC

WOOD

Life is just like sawing wood . . . Give and take . . . give and take . . . Mixing trouble with the good, Joy and Pleasure with the ache . . . If folks only understood . . . Life is just like sawing wood. Heavy loads are cut in half . . . Sawing wood . . . sawing wood . . . Time to cry and time to laugh, Rhythm there for every mood . . . If we reasoned as we should Life would be like sawing wood. Fragrant birch and knotty pine . . . Sawing wood . . . sawing wood . . . Some will sing and some will whine, Some are bad and some are good . . . If we took things as we should Life would be like sawing wood. Nick Kenny, New York Mirror THE ONLY

WAY

TO WIN

It takes a little courage And a little self-control And some grim determination If you want to reach the goal. It takes a deal of striving, And a firm and stern-set chin, No matter what the battle, If you really want to win. There's no easy path to glory, There's no rosy road to fame. Life, however we may view it, Is no simple parlor game; But its prizes call for fighting, For endurance and for grit; For a rugged disposition And a "don't-know-when-to-quit." You must take a blow or give one, You must risk and you must lose, And expect that in the struggle You will suffer from the bruise.

BELOVED

POEMS

277

But you mustn't wince or falter, If a fight you once begin; Be a man and face the battle— That's the only way to win. Anon.

DONT

JUDGE OTHERS TOO HARD

Pray do not find fault with the man who limps, Or stumbles along the road, Unless you have worn the shoes he wears Or struggled beneath his load. There may be tacks in his shoes that hurt, Though hidden away from view, Or the burden he bears, placed on your back, Might cause you to stumble, too. Don't sneer at the man who's down today, Unless you have felt the blow That caused his fall, or felt the shame That only the fallen know. You may be strong, but still the blows That were his, if dealt to you. In the self-same way at the self-same time, Might cause you to stagger, too. Don't be harsh with the man who sins, Or pelt him with word and stone, Unless you are sure. yes. doubly sure, That you have no sins of your own. For. you know, perhaps, if the tempter's voice Should whisper as soft to you, As it did to him when he went astray, Twould cause you to falter, too! Author Unknown

A BOY'S REMARKS

TO HIS STOMACH

What's the matter with you— ain't I always been your Ain't I been a pardner to you? All my pennies don't In getting nice things for you? Don't I give you lots Say. stummick, what's the matter, that you had to go Why, I loaded you with good things yesterday. I gave

friend? I spend of cake? and ache? you more

Potatoes, squash and turkey than you'd ever had before.

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FARMERS'

ALMANAC

I gave you nuts and candy, pumpkin pie and chocolate cake— And last night when I got to bed you had to go and ache! Say, what's the matter with you? Ain't you satisfied at all? I gave you all you wanted; you was hard just like a ball; And you couldn't hold another bit of puddin', yet last night You ached most awful, stummick, that ain't treatin' me just right! I've been a friend to you, I have! why ain't you a friend of mine? They gave me castor oil last night because you made me whine. I'm awful sick this mornin', and I'm feelin' mighty blue, Becoz you don't appreciate the things I do for you! Author Unknown

BOOK

LOVERS'

PRAYER

The man who marks or leaves with pages bent The volume that some trusting friend has lent. Or keeps it over-long, or scruples not— To let its due returning be forgot; The man who guards his books with miser's care, And does not joy to lend them, and to share; The man whose shelves are dust begrimed and few, Who reads when he has nothing else to do; The man who raves of classic writers, but Is found to keep them with their leaves uncut; The man who looks on literature as news, And gets his culture from book reviews; Who loves not fair, clean type, and margins wide— Or loves these better than the thought inside; Who buys his books to decorate the shelf; Or gives a book he has not read himself; Who reads from priggish motives, or for looks, Or any reason save the love of booksGreat Lord, who judgest sins of all degrees, Is there no little private Hell for these? Anon.

OUT FISHIN' A Feller isn't thinkin' mean Out fishing His thoughts are mostly good and clean

Out lishin'. He does not knock his fellow-men, Or harbor any grudges then; A feller's at his finest when Out fishin'.

BELOVED

POEMS

279

A feller's glad to be a friend, Out fishin'. A helpin' hand he'll always lend fishin'. TheOutbrotherhood of rod and line An' sky and stream is always fine; Men come real close to God's design Out fishin'. A feller isn't plotting schemes, Out fishin'. He's only busy with his dreams fishin'. HisOutlivery is a coat of tan, His creed— to do the best he can, A feller's always mostly man, Out fishin'.

Author Unknown

DEEDS If we sit down at the set of sun, And count the things that we have done, And counting find One self-denying act, one word That eased the heart of him who heard, One glance most kind, That fell like sunshine where it went, Then we may count the day well spent. Anon.

DROPPERS-IN In all my private universe The people I most roundly curse Are droppers-in, who do not phone Ahead to ask if I'm alone And lonely and unoccupied— They take a diabolic pride In flocking to my little nest Exactly when I'm busiest. Margaret Fishback

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BEST FROM

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IT DON'T TAKE

ALMANAC

MUCH

It don't take much to make men glad, To cheer folks up when folks get sad. When crops look poor, and things go wrong, It don't take much, it don't take long. Whenever any fellah is, Just slip your arm inside of his And let him know a friend he's got Who's still a friend, no matter what. He'll chirp right up at just a touch Of friendliness— it don't take much. It don't take much to make men smileWhy, folks just want to all the while! And all they need to make 'em start Is just to meet one merry heart Who, when it rains, just spins a yarn And doesn't give a good gosh darn! Folks like to laff, they like to grin, They likely will if you begin! When gloom has got 'em in his clutch Just make 'em smile— it don't take much. It don't take much to set men right; One candle's bigger than the night If someone sees it who's astray And finds the right and proper way. You don't need scold, you don't need preach, Just all you need to do is reach Your hand and find some fellah's hand And help him back to solid land. A friendly hand, a kindly touch, That's all they need— it don't take much. The Bow Tie Club Author Unknown

THE CHAMPION My daddy is the strongest man in the whole world, I'll bet! When he plays golf, he drives the ball so far it's out of sight. And he can swim and ride a horse and everything and yet, When we play games at home, why, I just beat him every night.

BELOVED

POEMS

281

Sometimes we have a boxing match, with Mother looking on, And my, he's strong! But so am I, so it's a regular fight. And Mother always claps for me and smiles when I have won; She doesn't seem to think it strange I beat him every night. Sometimes I think because I win, it makes my daddy sad. Tonight if he should say to me directly after dinner, "Let's run a race together to the gate and back, my lad," Would it be cheating, do you s'pose, if I made him the winner?" Lida Wilson Turner THOSE

EVENING

BELLS

Those evening bells! those evening bells! How many a tale their music tells Of youth, and home, and that sweet time When last I heard their soothing chime! Those joyous hours are passed away; And many a heart that then was gay Within the tomb now darkly dwells, And hears no more those evening bells. And so 'twill be when I am gone— That tuneful peal will still ring on; While other bards shall walk these dells, And sing your praise, sweet evening bells. Thomas Moore

A MOTHER'S PRAYER Dear God, My prayer is for the young; They are so vulnerable, (I have a son). Please, let them keep each dream and hope Envisioned, lined by wider scope; Lei faith in You bring them the light, Plus strength, to banish wrong from right. (iive mercy, tolerance and heart To learn, to counsel, and to take The hurt, the good, from each mistake. Direct them in Your image rare— A touching, growing, living prayer. Please, God, Amen. Nanette Kutner

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GRANNY

REALLY

ALMANAC

WORKED

Grandmother, on a winter's day, Milked the cows and fed them hay, Slopped the hogs, and saddled the mule, And got the children off to school; Did a washing, mopped the floors, Washed the windows, and did some chores, Cooked a dish of home-dried fruit, Pressed her husband's Sunday suit. Swept the parlor, made the bed, Baked a dozen loaves of bread, Split some firewood, and lugged in Enough to fill the kitchen bin; Cleaned the lamps and put in oil Stewed some apples she thought would spoil, Churned the butter, baked a cake, Then exclaimed, "For goodness sake, The calves have got out of the pen"— Went out and chased them in again. Gathered the eggs and locked the stable, Back to the house and set the table, Cooked a supper that was delicious, And afterwards washed up all the dishes; Fed the cat and sprinkled the clothes, Mended a basketful of hose; Then opened the organ and began to play, "when you come home to the end of a perfect day." Author Unknown SURFACE

BEAUTY

Oft' you see, my friends and neighbors, In the Sunday rotogravures; In beauty salons; cocktail bars; In ads in crosstown trolley cars; Lovely lashes; lovely curls. For modern lovely glamor girls; Kissproof lipstick, Seamproof hose; Sketches (more or less) of clothes; Lovely hands (no longer dishpan); Lovely teeth; and lovely sun tan; Temptation Perfume; Danger Cream; Rosy nail tint like a dream.

BELOVED

POEMS

283

Each of these may all be seen In milady's magazine. She looks at these and does not seeHow a maid of Galilee Washed the dishes; scrubbed the floor— These humble tasks and many more; Lulled baby's troubled cry; Whispered prayers to Him on high. Gate of Heaven— Morning Star Needed not a fashion barGentle Mother, gentle maid Without help of beauty aid. She who prayed 'neath evening star Had not a single cold cream jar; And lived those years in Palestine Distracted not by neon sign. She, the Queen of Land and Oceans, Had no perfumes, oils, or lotions: Instead she held the Lord Most High, And gently crooned a lullaby. Mary Walsh Klinke in St. Anthony's Messenger

CHALK

ONE

UP FOR MOM

A girl to win a college lad Must smell like jasmine, says the ad, Or charm a man somewhat mature, By fragrance called "Nuit d'Allure"; And she can please a grand papa By trailing sweet gardenia. I'm staid and not much of a magnet I don't use perfume as a dragnet, Yet men the recent holiday Came sniffing smelling out my way, Thanksgiving Day I was a winner At least I was 'til after dinner. They sought me out because their noses Forgot the blandishments of roses, Both Rah-Rah men and papas perky Forsook the attar for the turkey, And eighteen-year-old girls with looks— For one of forty-nine who cooks. Louise Dyer Harris

284

BEST FROM

THE FARMERS'

ALMANAC

WOMAN Woman— She's an angel in truth, a demon in fiction— A woman's the greatest of all contradiction; She's afraid of a cockroach, she'll scream at a mouse, But she'll tackle a husband as big as a house. She'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse; She'll split his head open and then be his nurse; And when he is well and can get out of bed, She'll pick up a teapot and throw at his head. She's faithful, deceitful, keen-sighted and blind; She's crafty, she's gentle, she's cruel, she's kind. She'll lift a man up, she'll cast a man down, She'll make him her hero, her ruler, her clown. You fancy she's this but you find that she's that, For she'll play like a kitten and fight like a cat. In the morning she will, in the evening she won't And you're always expecting she will, but she won't.

POLONIUS'

ADVICE

Anon.

TO HIS SON

These few precepts in thy memory Look thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue, Nor any unproportion'd thought his act. Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar. Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel; But do not dull thy palm with entertainment Of each new-hatch'd, unfiedg'd comrade. Beware Of entrance to a quarrel; but being in, Bear't that th' opposed may beware of thee. Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice; Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment. Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy, But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy: For the apparel oft proclaims the man. . . . Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend, And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry. This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man. William Shakespeare, from Hamlet

BELOVED

POEMS

285

PARODY Breathes there a man with soul so dead Who never to his wife has said, "This is my home; each wall, each floor!" Whose spirit ne'er within him roused In fierce retort to his espoused On getting home at half-past four. If such there is, go, look and see, That you shall never like him be. For him no joy can e'er be had In doing things a wee bit bad, For meekly he must always fear The rolling pin across his ear; And tho' with patience of a saint This hen-pecked man makes no complaint This ne'er praised man of modest tongue Goes to his grave— unwept unwed —unsung. Ray Geiger

ADVICE

TO BRIDES

If you would take a partner for life, Learn the tricks of the bridgewise wife, He made a bid for your heart and hand, But there are things you must understand— Don't challenge his judgment in business deals, Always consider the way he feels. Never suggest that he ask for a raise Don't mind if he's stubborn and set in his ways, Don't expect diamonds in times of depression, Don't refer to his clubs with a pained expression, When he goes on a bust and comes home seeing double, Just let it pass, don't make any trouble. Don't make him wear rubbers when it rains, Sympathize with his aches and pains, Don't score it against him when he's rude, Adjust your plans to suit his mood. Don't wear a hurt and crest-fallen look, When he settles down in a chair with a book, Remember your contract— always the same, Which is to help him play the game. Anon.

286

BEST FROM

THE FARMERS'

THE WATER

ALMANAC

OUSEL

The Water Ousel is a bird That's very rarely found, And very few authorities Its virtues can expound. It builds its eerie little nest Beside a water-fall, And in between its tiny toes It has no web at all. And yet in rapids fierce and wild It does amazing stunts, It easily outnavigates Canoes or loons or punts. It's very unromantic, On wriggly worms it dines While on its nested fledglings The spray tinged sunlight shines. Herbert H. Longfellow

E30

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BEST FROM

THE FARMERS' ALMANAC T^r GUMPERSON'S

LAW

Gumperspn's Law accounts for the fact that you can throw a burnt match out the window of your car on a rainy day and start a iorest fire while you can u$e two boxes of matches and a whole edition of the Sunday paper without being able to start a fire under the dry logs in your fireplace . . .

•

•

•

—Changing Times

Where I go hereafter depends upon what I go after here! • • • Don't worry about avoiding temptation — as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. • • • Don't think that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost; she may have got him. • • • The priest who passes the potato chips in the monastery is known as a chipmunk. . VALUE OF X X in the Roman notation is ten, X is the mark of illiterate men, X means a crossing, as drivers may note, X in a circle may count as a vote, X is a quantity wholly unknown, X is a ruler removed from his throne, Xmas is for Christmas, a season of bliss, X in a letter is good for one kiss, X is for Xerxes, the monarch renowned, X marks the spot where the body was found, Fickle as air or the capricious sex, What a truly remarkable letter is X! — Quote