Atheists Finding God: Unlikely Stories of Conversions to Christianity in the Contemporary West 1793641323, 9781793641328

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Atheists Finding God

Atheists Finding God Unlikely Stories of Conversions to Christianity in the Contemporary West Jana S. Harmon

LEXINGTON BOOKS

Lanham • Boulder • New York • London

Published by Lexington Books An imprint of The Rowman & Littlefield Publishing Group, Inc. 4501 Forbes Boulevard, Suite 200, Lanham, Maryland 20706 www​.rowman​.com 86-90 Paul Street, London EC2A 4NE Copyright © 2023 by The Rowman & Littlefield Publishing Group, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote passages in a review. British Library Cataloguing in Publication Information Available Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Names: Harmon, Jana S., author.   Title: Atheists finding God : Unlikely stories of conversions to     Christianity in the contemporary West / Jana S. Harmon.   Description: Lanham : Lexington Books, [2023] | Outgrowth of the author's     thesis (doctoral)--University of Birmingham, 2019, under the title:     Religious conversion of educated Atheists to Christianity in six     contemporary Western countries. | Includes bibliographical references     and index. | Summary: "This book examines the unlikely conversion     stories of fifty former atheists as they move from belief in     naturalistic atheism to strong belief in God and conservative     Christianity. Their own perspectives and journeys provide deep insight     for those who are interested in why and how such dramatic change is     possible"-- Provided by publisher.   Identifiers: LCCN 2022056376 (print) | LCCN 2022056377 (ebook) | ISBN     9781793641328 (cloth) | ISBN 9781793641335 (ebook)   Subjects: LCSH: Conversion--Christianity. | Atheists--Biography.  Classification: LCC BV4916.3 .H37 2023  (print) | LCC BV4916.3  (ebook) |     DDC 248.2/4--dc23/eng/20230208  LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2022056376 LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2022056377 The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of American National Standard for Information Sciences—Permanence of Paper for Printed Library Materials, ANSI/NISO Z39.48-1992.

To God, faithful and true, who changes lives and completes the work He planned in advance To the willing study participants who invested in this research and inspired me with their stories and insights I am deeply thankful. “Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story, those whom He has redeemed from the hand of the enemy.” Psalm 107:2

Contents

Acknowledgments ix Introduction xi Chapter One‌‌‌‌‌: Religious Conversion: Changing Stories of Reality



1

Chapter Two: Atheism and Christianity‌‌: Conflicting Worldview Stories 21 Chapter Three: ‌‌‌‌‌Becoming an Atheist: Atheists’ Reasons for Atheism

39

Chapter Four: ‌‌‌‌‌Being an Atheist: Atheists’ Views on Religion and Life 61 Chapter Five: ‌‌‌‌‌Catalysts Towards Change: Disruptive Challenges and Longings

73

Chapter Six: ‌‌‌‌‌Catalysts Towards Change: Disruptive Experiences



Chapter Seven: ‌‌‌‌‌Questing Towards Belief: Seeking After Truth Chapter Eight: ‌‌‌‌‌Questing Towards Belief: Experiencing God



95 111 127

Chapter Nine: ‌‌‌‌‌Putting the Pieces Together: The Complexity of Conversion 147 Chapter Ten: ‌‌‌‌‌Putting the Pieces Together: The Comprehensiveness of Conversion

175

‌‌Appendix: From Atheism to Christianity: Unlikely Stories of Conversion 195

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Contents

Bibliography Index

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219

About the Author



223

Acknowledgments

This book is borne from my dissertation—a long marathon course with twists and turns, hills and valleys, a test of mental and physical endurance. Many led and encouraged alongside academically and personally, enabling completion. Tremendous gratitude must be expressed to my supervisors at the University of Birmingham: To Dr. David Cheetham who generously provided extraordinary brilliance, wisdom, and wit from start to finish. To Dr. Katherine Brown who expertly ensured proper breadth in the completion of this sociological research. Without their guidance and challenge, this work would not have reached its depth and fruition. I am also indebted to many who laid the groundwork and provided support for this study: To Dr. Scott Smith, excellent mentor and professor at Biola University who encouraged my academic pursuits. To Bill Smith, Director of the C.S. Lewis Institute Atlanta, who fostered my intellectual growth. To all who assisted with finding willing participants in this research, I am grateful, especially Dr. Paul Copan, Dr. William Lane Craig, and Brian Auten whose intentional investment made this research possible. To Dr. Mike Licona who from the beginning saw completion of this project as a reality, a true encouragement. And, to Dr. Henri Gooren whose academic challenge advanced this research towards greater refinement. To fellow PhD students Andrea, Alex, Ralph, and Bobby who inspired and encouraged me towards completion with a steady balance of humor and care. To Dr. Craig Hazen and Dr. Robert Stewart for inviting initial exposure of this work on a national level. On a personal note, to my family who enthusiastically supported this effort: My mother Nancy without whose encouragement it would not be written; my father Hal who modeled working with integrity and diligence, inspiring all three of his children. To my husband Stephen who provided unrelenting love and support throughout this inspiring and challenging journey. To my daughters Ansley and Jordan, both intelligent in heart and mind, who have ix

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found the ‘life that is truly life’ like those in the stories of these pages. And to countless others whose generous prayer, encouragement, and interest supported me along the way, I am truly grateful.

Introduction

Gary was raised in a home that dismissed God. His friends mocked anything to do with religion or religious people. Compounding his view of an irrelevant God was the reality of an absent and abusive father. The idea that there was a loving heavenly Father made no sense. He became emotionally distant, tough, and easily angered, bulletproof with no need for anyone. Atheism was a natural response to life experience. God was not good, real, or relevant. Anna strongly identified with atheism from her earliest memories, declaring her disbelief in God at age six. With atheistic parents, her father a university philosophy professor, she readily dismissed Christianity as a man-made, irrelevant, irrational, antiquated superstition. An Ivy-League-educated student who was highly certain of her own views, she had not found any Christians who could rise to her intellectual challenges. God is not true or relevant. Jessica believed in God as a child, but rejected her faith due to the legalistic, oppressive use of Christian religion in her life. This distorted experience was compounded by personal pain and disappointment with God due to the sudden death of a close friend. She found beauty in other religions that seemed lacking in Christianity. God is not good, real, or relevant. Nicholas grew up in a spiritually divided home with his mother a Mormon and father a Lutheran, attending both churches on a rotating schedule. He and his brother never accepted any form of religion, rejecting them all by his teenage years. He thought that Christianity was a man-made religion, and that Christians were irrational, deluded, intolerant people. They lacked knowledge and understanding of scientific evidence and were unable to respond to his questions. He had no doubt that God did not exist as shown through scientific investigation and logical reasoning. God is not real or true. Raised in a nominally religious home and culture, Greg was apathetic about the question of God until he reached university and discovered atheism on the internet. As a thinker, he found a home with others who considered themselves intellectuals. Contemptuous towards religious believers, he mocked Christians as emotionally weak and intellectually impotent as compared to xi

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atheism’s courageous, mature perspective. He also enjoyed the ‘moral blank check’ granted to him through rejecting any form of religious authority. God is not true or relevant. These five stories are a sampling of the fifty former atheists that inform this book. They are but a growing number of those heard at coffee shops, on social media, and around kitchen tables in most communities. Although atheism used to be more common among intellectuals, disbelief has grown in more personal and familiar ways. Homes once filled with believers are now fragmented, religious belief doubted and rejected. Non-religious homes, schools, and cultures perpetuate a secularized, naturalistic understanding of reality. Conservative religious belief and believers become negatively stereotyped as unattractive, unintelligent, unscientific, irrelevant, delusional, and even evil. Lack of exposure to authentic, embodied forms of Christianity becomes more distant over time. Religious faith and belief are  removed from consideration as a viable option. Secularism and rejection of conservative religious institutions are on the rise, applauding Christianity’s demise. Staggering cultural criticism of conservative religious belief fuels an encroaching acceptance of skepticism against all things religious. Naturalistic forms of atheism now inhabit the Western world with greater acceptance, esteem, and influential presence as the only option for a rational, intelligent, educated, free-thinking person, or so the narrative goes. ‘Anything but Christianity’ becomes the dominant mantra for some. Returning towards the antiquated, deluded superstition becomes an anathema for others. Converting to belief in God and Christianity is a repugnant thought and even more repulsive action. Still others don’t even think it worthy of consideration at all. Although many non-believers practically presume the benefits of a Judeo-Christian understanding of themselves and the world, theoretically speaking, non-believers and Christians see the world and themselves in starkly dichotomous ways. With very different starting points as to the nature of ultimate reality, their answers to big questions of the cosmos, life, and human nature reach entirely different conclusions. Resulting views and presuppositions of atheists and Christians are as close as magnetic poles— highly repellent and contradictory. Over the decades, even over the centuries, writings, debates, and conversations between skeptics and Christians have persisted, each side standing their ground with unwavering stalwartness, seemingly unmoved by rival arguments and evidence. Each side is convinced that their own worldview is the most reasonable and moral way to think and live. Barriers built between them seem to pose no impasse, and meaningful dialogue becomes more and more difficult. No matter the substance of the arguments and evidence presented, disbelief and doubt seemingly persist. The best theistic arguments, evidence, and writings appear to increasingly fall upon deaf ears, surrounded by ever-increasing cultural ridicule. Barriers

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to belief remain solidly erected against Christianity, the walls and distance growing with greater speed and resolve. Yet within a Western culture that readily dismisses Christianity, a steady presence of atheist conversions to Christianity persists. Intelligent, educated atheists who were once highly resistant to belief completely change course and come to believe in the reality of God, the truth of Jesus Christ, and intelligibility and goodness of the biblical worldview. In fact, they not only believe, but become so convinced that they give their lives to the God they once rejected. This stunning phenomenon begs a few questions. Why would atheists move against the pressing cultural mandate towards disbelief to robust belief in God? Why would they convert against intellectual and social pressures and towards an increasingly marginalized ideology and morality? Why choose to move towards an understanding and demanding practice of life and reality which is not self-determined, but rather defined by a transcendent authority? How would religious conversion transform the life of someone who once rejected belief in God, much less conservative forms of Christianity? The surprising openness and movement of former atheists towards belief both defies expectations and seemingly eludes explanations. It warranted closer examination to determine the motivations and influences for atheists to move towards religious conversion against all odds. Perhaps we can all learn from their stories. The information and insights in this book were drawn from extensive research and engagement with fifty former atheists from Western countries (United States, Canada, United Kingdom, Australia, New Zealand, and France) from 2013–2019. Whether they did not believe that God existed or simply lacked a belief in God, all the former atheists in this research held to a positive belief in naturalistic atheism, the belief that only the natural or material world exists. Not uncommon in the atheist population, the education level of those in this study was high, 43% holding advanced degrees, seven of whom hold PhDs. Each person completed a survey and participated in a lengthy interview exploring their perspectives and self-perceived motivations on how and why they held and changed beliefs from atheism to Christianity. Importantly, every name mentioned in this writing is a pseudonym, although many of the former atheists in this study have come forward with their public testimonies since the completion of this research. Those who are familiar with those public stories may find familiarity with them, even the former atheists themselves, who alone have the permission to expose their own identities. In fact, many have told their conversions on the Side B Stories podcast, a forum dedicated to the stories of former skeptics and atheists who now call themselves Christians.1 This book expresses the motivations, views, and experiences of those who moved from atheism and Christianity, appreciating the fullness of their

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insider perspective on their own conversion. It did not set out to artificially limit or impose presuppositions but rather to allow the converts to speak for themselves. Countering a secularized framing of religious conversion, this research broadens religious conversion to include but expand beyond socio-cultural and psychological motivations towards a holistic, integrated paradigm which also includes intellectual and spiritual influences. It also appreciates a grounded religious belief through a critical realist lens, allowing the possibility for God as an ontologic reality to interact with and influence someone towards belief in His existence and the truth of His revelation. That is, when someone reported a convincing objective truth or transforming spiritual experience, these were not acknowledged or ruled out a priori, but were appreciated as something true and real to the one who considered them as viable towards life and belief change. Each story was also evaluated through a narrative lens to better understand the converts’ perception and movement from the grand metanarratives of naturalistic atheism to Christianity. The goal here was to look at how conversion affected different areas of their lives in the ways they viewed ultimate reality, themselves, and others as captured through the content of their language and evidenced through their life choices. The purposes of this book are many. Altogether, this comprehensive research provides rich mixed-method data from which to understand individual perspectives and stories within the larger context of emerging patterns and integrated influences throughout the process of religious conversion. This inclusive approach provides broad insights as to why and how former atheists rejected belief in God, became open to consider the possibility of another perspective, and how they came to believe and live as if God exists and Christianity is true. It also stands as a counter-narrative to prevailing negative voices that belief in God is not intellectually and existentially plausible, attractive, relevant, and good. Rather, it shows that belief can be and is held by intellectual, educated people, even by those who would have never considered it possible. This investigation into the lives and language of former atheists provides a unique and fresh understanding of atheism and religious conversion with implications for the researcher, the professor, the apologist, and the evangelist who seek to understand belief formation and change between nearly opposite worldviews in a more integrated, holistic, and practical way. It seeks to not only answer the question, ‘What would it take for an atheist to become a Christian?’ but more clearly, ‘What did it take?,’ the most intriguing query of all. This book is structured by first laying the groundwork for the nature of religious conversion generally, then adding the context of conversion within the grand narratives of atheism and Christianity in contemporary Western culture. Next, we will discuss the findings and insights from the research study and draw conclusions based upon what we discovered. Finally, we will

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consider the complexity of conversion process through the stories of five former atheists. Specifically, Chapter 1 discusses the nature of religious conversion and why it occurs according to various theories, setting the context for atheist conversion to Christianity. Chapter 2 introduces contemporary atheist beliefs and stories as seen through a naturalistic lens. It looks at atheism in contemporary Western culture, who atheists are, and what they think about religion and religious belief. This is then contrasted with the traditional understanding of Christian beliefs, metanarrative, and conversion. Chapters 3 and 4 highlight the perspectives and stories of fifty former atheists as to their self-perceived motivations towards disbelief as well as insights into their practical lives. They seek to understand why and how atheists form their identity, as well as beliefs regarding reality, God, Christianity, and Christians; confidence in their worldview; and willingness towards change. Chapters 5 and 6 answer the intriguing questions of how and why atheists become open to another perspective, identifying the catalysts that sparked an intentional change away from atheism and towards searching outside of atheism. Chapters 7 and 8 follow the atheists’ journeys as they quest towards the truth of and belief in Christianity and reality of God. Chapter 9 considers the complexity of conversion through demonstrating the various and integrated motivations involved in finally moving from disbelief to belief in God and personal acceptance and trust in Jesus Christ. It also summarizes the major research findings from this study, its insights, implications, and recommendations, appreciating the comprehensive, even mysterious, nature of religious conversion as a phenomenon resistant to reductionistic approaches. Chapter 10 recognizes converts’ life transformation in the context of intellectual sense making, spirituality, personal identity, purpose, and life experience. And finally, the Appendix presents five stories of atheist conversions so that the reader can appreciate the complexity of and motivations for change in light of the research findings. By the end of this book, the reader should gain a greater appreciation for the fullness and mystery of religious conversion in a particularly unlikely, resistant population. NOTE 1. See the www​.sidebstories​.com website for access to atheist conversion stories, or listen to the Side B Stories podcast on most podcasting platforms.

Chapter One‌‌‌‌‌

Religious Conversion Changing Stories of Reality

JEFFREY’S STORY Jeffrey became an atheist when he was seven years old. My intuition told me that something significant must have happened in his life to have him turned against God at such an early age. After we settled in at an English coffee shop across from the train station, it didn’t take very long before his tragedy poured out. He began, My dad and mum used to send us to Sunday school to get us out of the house, so I went to Sunday school for about 6 months. They wanted some peace and quiet because there were four of us—my two brothers and my sister. We went to Sunday school where we learned that Jesus loved us. But when I was 7 years old, we experienced a house fire, and my younger brother didn’t get out of the house. He died of smoke poisoning. And my older brother who was 11 at the time, I remember him walking out of the house and he was on fire. And they put him out, put him in the ambulance and I sat at his feet. I was sent to church the week after and the minister said, “Come and we will pray” and I ran away. I said, “If that is what God has done to my brother, then I don’t want anything to do I with it” and I became an atheist. My brother survived for 5 days and then died. He had third degree burns over 90% of his body and it was probably a blessing that he did die. But I could have nothing to do with religion. I became an atheist.

For Jeffrey, God was not good, not worthy of his belief. Even more than that, not worthy of anyone’s belief. His childhood tragedy triggered a path of depression and guilt, suicide attempts and contempt towards all things religious. He possessed an expressed hatred towards God, towards religious places and people. Confused and anguished by his shocking childhood ordeal, Jeffrey questioned and challenged, 1

2

Chapter One

If there is a God, if he is so powerful and benevolent, why does all this rubbish happen? Those are the weapons I would use to shut down or disarm Christians or other religious people. I wouldn’t bother with anything religious at all. Wouldn’t go to a church whether it be a funeral, even though it would be a huge insult to the family. I would stand outside. I wouldn’t go. If there was someone getting married in the church, I would stand outside. I wouldn’t go into the church. I was just not interested at all. As far as I was concerned it was all rubbish. And I was not slow in telling people that’s what I thought. That’s how anti-religious to Christianity, that I was. I saw Christians as very judgmental who wouldn’t listen to anything I would try to say. They would just shoot me down. “We’ll pray for you.” And that would be it. I don’t want them to pray for me. Don’t even try praying for me. Whenever I encountered religious people, I almost became evangelistic towards atheism. I would argue with them. That’s how I lived my life until I was 26.

I wondered what it would take for Jeffrey or someone like him to change, to become open towards the possibility of God again, of the Sunday school Jesus who loves him. He was a militant atheist fueled through emotional pain, clothed in rational armor. Atheism was the intellectually superior view, and no one could convince him otherwise—that is, until his wife moved from agnosticism to Christian faith. Her newfound belief in God only served to isolate and anger him even more. Jeffrey told me, Her whole personality had changed. She was far more upbeat, far happier, her whole countenance. She was far more smiley and everything else. She was not as argumentative, not as assertive. It was like being married to a total stranger. It caused an awful lot of problems for us. She used to go off to prayer meetings and church and she would walk right back into an argument. It nearly broke our marriage. It was that way for about 9 months.

Meeting his wife’s Christian friends for the first time, Jeffrey anticipated a heated exchange. Instead, he was surprised by their warm hospitality, their genuine offer of friendship, valuing him as he had never known. His emotional anger suddenly deflated like a popped balloon. He recounts their first meeting. One night I came home from work around midnight, and she called from a friend’s house asking if I could come get her. By the time I got there, I was absolutely seething. Had anyone mentioned Jesus I would have lashed out at them. I was mad, fuming. I wasn’t interested in what they had to say, I just wanted to shoot them down in flames. I was ready for it . . . I walked in where she was with a couple of Christians and they said, “Would you like a cup of coffee?” and it immediately disarmed me. I wasn’t expecting it. I was ready to erupt. They offered me a cup of coffee and they sat there and talked to me like



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I mattered. And they didn’t talk about Jesus, and they didn’t talk about God at all. They just welcomed me and talked to me like I was human. They welcomed me into their home. They listened to what I was saying even though we didn’t talk about God at all.

Jeffrey had not merely alienated himself from anything and anyone religious, but also pushed and pressed away most relationships. Their personable, caring conversations with him left him wanting more. He said, “I kept going there because I was intrigued by these people who were Christians.” His walls began to erode as he was continually welcomed in love and acceptance. After a month of going back and forth, he “started talking to them and questioning them. For the next six months I was going there daily and talk[ing] with them about Jesus, the Bible, Genesis, science and about all sorts of issues.” They gave substantive answers to his objections. After exhausting all his questions, his Christian friend said, “What are you holding against God? Would you mind if I prayed for you?” Reluctantly, Jeffrey agreed. But something profound occurred in and through that prayer. He found peace that he had never known. Explaining his utter surprise at this turn of events and emotions, Jeffrey said, I woke up the next morning and I felt like I was floating on air. I was so peaceful. It was unbelievable. And I went over, and I try to argue with him, and I couldn’t. I didn’t have any questions. It was a strange thing. After a couple of weeks, he said to me, “How are you doing?” I said, “I can’t explain it. I feel peaceful.” That night, I went home, and I said to the Lord, “If you are really there, will you sort me out?” And that was 18 years ago, and I’ve been a Christian ever since.

Peace remained. His arguments against God lost their weight. He had nothing left but to surrender and accept this offer of grace and peace that was granted him. With extraordinary life change, Jeffrey now spends his time serving his town as a community pastor, explaining, The vast majority of my job is now working with unchurched people—people who have never been in a church before, people who tend to be agnostic. I work out of my own experience and my own pain, meeting them where they are and only talking about my faith when they want to.

Jeffrey understands the depths of pain and darkness and ministers to those who are emotionally hurting from a personal place. He also understands the intellectual depths and spiritual riches in Christ. He is satisfied, living in a way that others may know and feel what he has found with fresh hope in the possibility of life change and renewal. For Jeffrey, God is good after all, worthy of belief and trust, worthy of devoting his life.

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Chapter One

WHAT IS RELIGIOUS CONVERSION? IT DEPENDS UPON WHO YOU ASK Religious conversion is most easily understood as a story of someone changing from one way of understanding and living in the world to another. Stories are the most natural way we recount the substance of daily life experience, relationships, knowledge, perspectives, and emotions over time. Stories provide a framework upon which to attach those experiences, to make sense of ourselves, of others, and our world as we weave past events, present experiences, and future expectations into a dynamic direction. Stories provide the context upon which basic facts are placed and given their meaning and significance.1 Narratives are not merely the ‘telling of a story’ but are simultaneously the ‘telling of the story-teller’ revealing their basic understanding of life, meaning, identity, and reality. What is true of life narratives likewise applies to religious conversion. A person’s life is a continuous narrative to which conversion stories belong. An authentic view of religious conversion appreciates its storied nature. When we ask a person why they converted to a particular religious community, we are not surprised to receive a story in response.2 Conversion implies change, conveying where we have been, who we are, what we think and value, where we are going, and what has transformed in the process. A personal narrative provides a natural way towards recounting someone’s life experience, beliefs, and change within a larger story. We find this in the books we read and movies we see. A protagonist encounters internal and external points of tension and resistance, searches for answers, rises to the challenge, and finds resolution, wisdom, and growth through the journey. They find themselves conflicted and motivated based upon some larger understanding of what ought to be. The storied nature of religious conversion provides a natural and comprehensive portrayal of the conversion phenomenon, a before, during, and after. It is an embodied story of life change from one view of reality to another, from one lived metanarrative to another. Within the context of this book, it is moving from atheism to Christianity. Jeffrey’s religious conversion story is unique, just as every person and life story is unique. His atheism began through a traumatic event, causing him to reject God. What were the influences that helped break down his walls against belief? What was the process towards conversion? What was the transformation? After years of atheism, he became open through more unexpected events—the religious conversion of his wife and the subsequent surprising encountering of and engagement with her Christian friends. Conversion, however, did not occur until after months of engaged discussion, thoughtful consideration, and prayer. For Jeffrey, life transformation



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was radical and sustained. For many who listen to this and other stories of atheist conversion, the temptation is to reduce religious conversion to the originating catalyst which caused him to turn towards the direction of God and Christianity to take a closer look. In Jeffrey’s case, the skeptic might contend, ‘He just became a Christian because his wife did. There’s no more reason than that.’ However, they would be mistaken. While his wife’s conversion may have been an originating event, it is not what eventually brought him to a place of belief. To be fair, we must take a broader view. For most, religious conversion is a process of change over time—time to develop and experience a pre-conversion perspective of what beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors are rejected and affirmed, time to become open to another point of view, time to become convinced of and embrace another view of reality, and time to change and embody a new reality. Although some religious conversions can and do happen immediately akin to the apostle Paul’s Damascus Road experience, even those dramatic episodes occur within pre-conversion ways of thinking and living. There are particular contexts into which converts form and change beliefs. Religious conversion is as distinct as each individual. But that’s not to say there aren’t similarities and patterns among the converted. In fact, this book is written in the effort to convey generalizations and the bigger picture of conversion of those who once rejected God to becoming those who now call themselves followers of Christ. But before we understand how religious conversion occurred among atheists, we need to first understand how religious conversion is defined from both secular and Christian perspectives. From the outset, it is safe to presume that religious conversion is viewed differently depending upon who is defining it and the presumptions they hold. For the secularly minded, religion itself is merely a socially constructed phenomenon and nothing more, although it may serve an evolutionary advantage. Religions provide meaningful experiences in living, guidance for living, and hope towards the future. They are important as storied narratives that provides meaning, identity, and coherent sense-making. Religions tell unique stories about the nature of reality, the universe, and humanity and exact personal allegiance to whom or what they deem ultimate. However, religions are not sui generis. That is, religion is not made up of ‘real’ ontologic essence, objective truth, or reality, but nevertheless remains beneficial to the believer personally, socially, and emotionally. It follows, then, for the secular-minded that religious conversion is seen as something that serves the social and psychological needs of the convert and nothing more.3 In this view, moral and religious truths are also constructed, subjective and relative to each religious group. They are not objectively true, but serve a unifying communal purpose as converts move from one group to another in order to gather, belong, and believe similar things. Converts build

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relationships, adhere to rules, and participate in rituals which build their sense of belonging to the new community. They share a common language of understanding and action. This view of religious conversion is not concerned so much with what religion is as with what religion does that matters for those who convert. However, not all agree with a solely functional understanding of religion and religious conversion. This is especially the case for those who are convinced of the nature and grounding of their religious beliefs as objectively true and real such as in a historically grounded, biblical Christianity. A flattened view of religion as mere affiliation or superficial function ignores the spiritual, devoted, and intellectually robust view of many religious converts. A sui generis understanding of conversion, within the context of Christianity, includes but looks beyond immanent social and psychological advantages towards that which is more substantive and transcendent. Truth is more than socially constructed and relative to time, people, language, and circumstance but is rather grounded in the person and revelation of God. A ‘sense of belonging’ with a new religious group extends beyond earthly to heavenly belonging with others across time and space in the family of God. Identity extends beyond socio-cultural context to finding self as a highly valued, deeply known and loved son or daughter of God. Purpose and meaning shifts from temporal, self-created endeavors to a heightened questing towards things of God-directed eternal significance. Emotional joy, contentment, peace, and existential satisfaction are no longer located in temporal, self-seeking quests but found beyond self in the person of God Himself. In the Christian view, religious conversion in its fullest form is a whole life, life-long transformation from self-centeredness to Christ-centered and other-focused living, worth the cost. Personal benefits often come at the loss of individual autonomy through self-surrender and sacrificial love to God who sacrificed all for them. Old self-determined narratives are exchanged for a new God-directed narrative through which each person becomes ‘reborn’ as a ‘new creation in Christ’ through the power and authority of God. Dying to self becomes worth the gain of a new life with God. It is a total transformation from the temporal and earthly to an immanent yet eternal, spiritual perspective and living. Authentic religious conversion involves a paradigm shift between sets of beliefs, experiences, and practices, and a change in someone’s intellectual, spiritual, social, psychological, and emotional realities. In the context of this research, it is not merely structural, social, or superficial religious affiliation. Rather, religious conversion demands reconsideration of answers to life’s biggest questions as well as a commitment to a new way of living grounded in what is believed to be substantially true, good, and real. It is this ‘thick’ understanding of traditional forms of Christian conversion which must be considered. This is particularly the case in educated, thoughtful individuals



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who take beliefs seriously, who contend for the objective truth of their worldview prior to and following conversion, and who maintain spiritual reality or spiritual experience as causative in turning them towards God. WHAT CAUSES RELIGIOUS CONVERSION? IT’S MORE COMPLEX THAN YOU THINK Appreciating the complexity of change, Rambo (1993) defined religious conversion as “a process of religious change that takes place in a dynamic force field of people, events, ideologies, institutions, expectations, and orientations, influenced by a contextual matrix of relationships and situations and factors that are multiple, interactive, and cumulative.” According to his research, religious conversion is not the norm. Rather, it goes against the grain for most who take such life change seriously. In light of the demands of religious conversion, it is no wonder that Rambo declared, “Most people say ‘no’ to conversion . . . Resistance is the normal or typical reaction of both individuals and societies to conversion attempts.”4 This resistance holds even when moving from one religious group to another. But when someone converts from non-belief to belief in God, resistance grows higher because the expectation for change is greater in every way. While naturalism limits reality only to the natural world, theism contends for a reality beyond nature. Christianity proclaims a personal, powerful transcendent God who loves and made Himself known to His creation. Practically speaking, those who believe in an accidental, determined world are likely to contrast from those who believe in a good and purposed creation. Atheism and Christianity are worlds apart, both literally and figuratively. So then, what causes religious conversion? What compels someone to leave one worldview and move to another so vastly different? What drives someone to turn their world upside down, or rather right side up, according to those who have converted? That is the million-dollar question. It is often thought that if a non-believer had the right information about God or religion, they would change their minds and believe, but that’s not always the case. We are individuals with minds, wills, and emotions and our beliefs are typically formed for more than rational reasons and change for more as well. Seventeenth-century French polymath Blaise Pascal acknowledged the role of both our personal desires and reasons when forming beliefs, “People almost invariably arrive at their beliefs not on the basis of proof but on the basis of what they find attractive.”5 Yes, we want to make sense of our lives and are seeking towards truth, but our choices towards or away from God often reflect a more pressing personal desire. And, what someone finds attractive is often tied to personal experiences, moral choices, as well as what we

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think is true or good. Our beliefs are not merely rational, and neither are we. Our perspectives are also shaped by those around us, by the people we like and esteem, by cultural and educational authorities and what they value and hold as true. All of those things and more inform the way we make sense of reality, how we make sense of our own story. According to Muehlhoff, “Nobody holds beliefs in a vacuum. Their convictions are wrapped in a story, a story of how they got there and why they believe what they believe.6 And, stories are powerful. Again, they are the ways and means we make sense of ourselves and our lives. While it would be an easy temptation to distill non-belief or belief in God into a simple thesis, the reality is we are complex beings with complicated lives. Reductionistic presumptions do not serve our understanding well when it comes to considering what we hold to as true, much less what is or causes religious conversion. There is often more than meets the eye when encountering someone’s beliefs. Consider what it might take for anyone to completely change their view of the world. Could it be distilled to a single, isolated reason, or is it more likely a collection of reasons and motivations over time? We are looking for a deeper understanding of why someone might leave the comfort of their familiar worldview and step into the challenge and change of another. An all-encompassing way of seeing how we form, hold, and change beliefs is in order. In light of this broadened perspective, it is good to realize that religious conversion is not simple or easy for anyone, much less for atheists. There’s a reason for that. Or more likely, there are several reasons for that. It’s not easy to completely change our view of reality and all that comes with it. Thick religious conversion involves more than superficial group affiliation or inhabiting new roles, rituals, and relationships. Although those may be part of it, authentic religious conversion requires much more. At bottom, all religions tell unique stories about the nature of reality, the universe, and humanity and exact personal allegiance to whom or what they deem ultimate. They reveal who God is and who we are, what is right and wrong, what is broken and how it can be fixed, who, if any, has ultimate authority. Religious conversion demands someone reconsider answers to life’s biggest questions as well as a commitment to a new way of living. It is a paradigm shift between sets of beliefs, experiences, and practices, and a change in someone’s intellectual, spiritual, social, psychological, and emotional realities. It is deep devotion and life of sacrifice to the God they deem real, true, and worthy of love and surrender. David Kling explains Christian conversion as “movement from something to something. Its process is dynamic and multifaceted. Conversion is, when examined over two millennia, a phenomenon far more complex than any one-dimensional profile would suggest. No single, unitary paradigm defines conversion, and no easily demonstrable process accounts for why people convert to Christianity. Rather, a multiplicity of factors—historical,



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personal, social, geographical, theological, psychological, and cultural— shape the converting process.”7 In other words, religious conversion is not simple nor straightforward, nor are its causes. Although some would see conversion as an event, such an occurrence is surrounded by a context of what led up to it, what precipitated it, what followed and sustained it. Broader questions must be asked regarding natural and supernatural influences. It usually takes time, intellect, circumstances, relationships, experiences, emotions, exposure, and education for beliefs to be formed. In the same way, changes in worldview are generally informed by various influences dynamically interacting as someone moves from one view to another. In thick forms of religious conversion, people do not generally form or change beliefs for single, isolated reasons. Rather, religious conversion is an integrated, complex phenomenon, irreducible to a reductionistic monolithic theory. Conversion is a deeply mysterious process. Within the Christian worldview, religious conversion is infused with the divine wooing, leading, enabling, and orchestration of God. If this is true, broadly exploring a wide range of motivations and influences for someone’s pre-conversion beliefs, change towards openness, and movement towards religious conversion makes sense. PERSONAL, EMOTIONAL, AND SOCIAL MOTIVATIONS— ARE THEY ENOUGH TO EXPLAIN CONVERSION? Historically, many researchers have based their understanding of conversion upon their own underlying presumptions and specializations, such as psychology or sociology. Naturally, these studies resulted in the promotion of single-focused causal theories driving a secularized narrative, expanding partial theories as fully explanatory towards the whole. In view of some scholars, this limited approach presumed religious belief as false and immature or even irrational and pathologic, and religious conversion was explained as driven solely by personal, social, and psychological motivations.8 While this reductionistic perspective may limit the comprehensive nature and understanding of religious conversion, that is not to say that these single-focused theories may not explain certain important aspects of a complex phenomenon. In fact, these influences may play a critical role in motivating a person to become open towards another explanation of the world and of themselves. Some conversion researchers contend that various psychological motivations are pivotal as catalysts towards conversion.9 In their view, crisis points, pivotal life experiences, or sobering circumstances potentially motivate individuals to consider the viability of their worldview and prompt sensemaking within other perspectives.10 When a person is unable to make sense

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of challenging circumstances or internal tension within their own worldview, they become open towards actively searching for another view of reality in order to resolve the apparent discrepancy between their beliefs and the reality of life’s experiences, providing relief. Others have suggested that individuals move towards conversion in order to confirm or compensate for relationships with their own parents. Those persons who experienced secure attachments as children with their primary caregivers more likely experienced a gradual religious conversion through a socialization process, building an image of God which corresponds to that which was shared with their loving, caring parents. Alternatively, those who did not experience secure attachments when young might see decreased religiousness, general religious instability, and change. If converted, they were motivated to seek after God in compensation for lack of security from a natural parent.11 However, those who did not experience healthy relationships with their father might also reject God as well, according to the work of Paul Vitz.12 These psycho-emotional realities are indeed valid. We are emotional beings who are shaped by harmful and healthy relationships in our lives. We are sense-making beings driven to make sense of our lives. The question at hand is not whether psycho-emotional motivations are indeed valid components of religious conversion. The question is, rather, whether or not they are robust enough to explain the full motivations for religious conversion of former atheists to thick forms of Christianity. Sociological motivations also open the door to someone embracing a new perspective. Whereas psychologists tend to focus on someone’s internal feelings and needs towards conversion, sociologists emphasize social and cultural relationships as influencing change in beliefs and behaviors. We often like the ideas of people we like. We also like to be liked and seen as acceptable in our social and cultural circles. Over the last several decades, the sociology of conversion has taken center stage, emphasizing potential converts as shaped by and seeking towards social acceptance and belonging. The priority of social relationships as instrumental in conversion has been emphasized by many conversion researchers as the key component.13 While sociological aspects may be important towards motivating religious conversion, the question remains as to how much it plays a part, if any, for the atheist convert to Christianity. Socialization as a primary cause for conversion is particularly suspect when there may be little to no direct exposure to the religious group into which someone converts. In decades past, Christianity dominated the socio-cultural sphere along with its implicit social respect. Those who resisted belief kept quiet. Those days are long gone. Dramatic shifts in social mores and social media have made it easy and even laudable to proclaim an anti-religious stand. Plausibility of religion, especially conservative religion, has waned in the public square. It no longer seems good, relevant, or true in the eyes of many as evidenced by the recent increase in



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public Christian figures who are de-converting from Christian faith receiving a warm cultural reception. A progressive loss of social plausibility of religious belief shrinks the role of religion in social life, delegitimizing it, reducing religion only to an individualized, subjective, or social reality. But it is worse than that. Conservative forms of religion are now caricatured through a negative lens, portrayed through repugnant, colorful language, delegitimizing it in the eyes of culture. It follows that if religious traditions lose their plausibility, the obstacles to belief and religious conversion become more socially and culturally challenging.14 Conversion to particularly conservative forms of Christianity is not far from social suicide in the eyes of many, creating social and relational hostility for the convert.15 In this context, why would an atheist move against current social and cultural pressures to convert to conservative Christianity? As humans, we long for social belonging and acceptance and are driven towards those ends. These motivations may be a partial explanation, but they may not be enough to compel conversion among former atheists. Are there more substantive reasons to be considered? WHAT ABOUT RELIGIOUS BELIEFS? THE QUESTION OF TRUTH Despite past tendencies to reduce the causes of religious conversion to merely ‘what works’ for the convert, scholars have begun to appreciate the role of belief as motivating the process of change. For someone to move towards conversion, a person generally accepts their new religious beliefs as ‘what’s true’ and not merely what is good or relevant. While sociological and psychoemotional influences in the conversion process are important, they may not provide an adequate explanation of how and why someone comes to accept new beliefs. Intellectual decision making becomes a critical component in conversion, especially if a convert is required to accept new beliefs and behaviors strongly at odds with their prior worldview and lifestyle.16 While personal, emotional, or social benefits may show the ‘route of the religious seeker’ towards conversion, they may not adequately show how and why someone comes to shift their ‘sense of root reality.’ More than that, they don’t take into consideration the causal arguments many people make in justifying their conversion.17 This is an especially important issue for those who are intellectually driven by ideas and issues of truth, such as those in this study. Atheists often present intellectual reasons for disbelief and identify as more rational and educated than both the general population and religious people, and feel a greater sense of confidence in their worldview and even rational superiority over others, often reinforced through their educational achievements.18 Considering the high intellectual and educated status of atheists, it

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is not surprising that the reasons atheists give for disbelief appear to be more intellectual than emotional or personal.19 It follows, then, that part of the process of religious conversion appreciates the cognitive processes and intellectual reasoning involved in an atheist changing their entire belief system. A worldview is, or should be, a comprehensive way of viewing ourselves and the world that is both cohesive and corresponds with reality, answering grand questions in a substantive way. Religious conversion provides a whole new framework for sense-making. Thick conversion to Christianity demands intellectual belief in certain truths about God, self, and salvation leading to existential trust, and radical life transformation. For converts who think truth is a critical factor in accepting or rejecting a particular worldview, the role of belief is non-negotiable in the conversion process. A select few scholars appreciate the role that cognition and intellect played in the conversion process, even if they persist in their understanding of beliefs as socially constructed and nothing more. They recognize the cognitive dissonance that manifests when potential converts become intellectually dissatisfied with their own worldview, prompting a willingness to seek other perspectives, find answers, and resolve their sense of cognitive imbalance. They appreciate the need for potential converts to test the beliefs of available worldviews in their search towards intellectual and experiential sense-making.20 However, converts may, and in many cases do, deem their new beliefs as more than mere social construction. Converts to Christianity may hold to new beliefs in objectively grounded realities, beliefs that are grounded in falsifiable claims. For this reason, it is important to consider how and why someone leaves one set of beliefs behind and embraces another. It honors the stories of the converts themselves and the reasons they give for religious conversion. On the other hand, disregarding belief content potentially devalues their own view of conversion and flattens religious distinctions into irrelevant and relativized claims. It misses a potentially critical component in the conversion process. In the context of the conversion of former atheists to Christianity, believing what is true becomes an essential part of a larger process. But what, if any, does the role of the divine, the transcendent, or spiritual experience play, if any, in changing those beliefs? WHAT ABOUT RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE? THE ROLE OF THE DIVINE If God exists then the supernatural realm exists. It follows, then, that the possibility of the transcendent interacting with the immanent world exists as well. According to former atheist C.S. Lewis, two explanations for spiritual experiences are possible. ‘Numinous awe’ can be explained as either “a mere



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twist in the human mind, corresponding to nothing objective and serving no biological function . . . or else it is a direct experience of the really supernatural.”21 If conversion is primarily viewed as self- or socially-generated by immanent, ordinary, functional realities, then there is little or no capacity for what describes the transcendent otherness of religious experience. It does not allow for potential “breaches of the ordinary in order to encounter paramount reality.”22 Yet, contemporary Western culture’s increasingly secularized context has reduced spiritual experience to a human invention and demythologized religious content, dismissing all spiritual knowledge as individualized and subjective.23 Within this reductionistic paradigm, spiritual experience is dismissed due to a priori naturalistic presuppositions. After reviewing contemporary religious conversion studies, Iyadurai concluded that they were prone to undercut the significance of the divine element even though the converts themselves attributed great significance to it.24 This confirmed Rambo’s earlier finding that most students of conversion tend to “neglect, trivialize, or totally reject the role of religion and spirituality, avoiding the content of that to which someone converts.”25 Although religious experience has been generally excluded from or diminished in religious conversion studies, recent scholarship has begun to recognize the role of the transcendent. In the Oxford Handbook of Religious Conversion, editors Rambo and Farhadian described conversion as “a transcendent experience.”26 Within his doctoral study of Christian conversion, Iyadurai highlighted the role of transcendent experiences.27 His prior skeptical view towards the divine was transformed by the way converts spoke and lived in response to their spiritual encounters. They described visions, dreams, felt the presence or voice of God, miracles, and answered prayers as triggering or confirming spiritual conversion, a personal closeness with the divine, and a sense of well-being spurring transformation in all areas of life. These reports informed his resulting description of a divine-human encounter as: the turning point that occurs in the mystical states of consciousness . . . When an encounter with the divine occurs, the divine is identified with Jesus and converts gain a certainty of experiencing the truth and claim a special knowledge of God based on this personal experience. The experiential evidence is forceful in converts’ articulation that the divine human encounter is personal and unparalleled to any other experience that comes with the knowledge of God . . . When one returns to normal waking consciousness the previously held religious belief is discarded with a strong conviction that the newfound knowledge of God is real and true . . . At the divine-human encounter, an informal conversation takes place between the divine and the convert. In this encounter, converts who find unconditional love and acceptance from the divine are terribly struck by the consciousness of sin . . . The moment converts realize their sins, they have no hesitation to confess them and at once gain a sense of being forgiven by the

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divine . . . When the encounter is over, they are filled not with remorse, but long-lasting joy, peace, and happiness.28

Iyadurai concluded that religious experience was central to the conversion process and that its denial would undercut understanding the full phenomenon of religious conversion.29 A secularized view of conversion may dismiss religious experience as purely subjective, in the minds and imaginations of the converts alone. But if God exists, spiritual experiences are possible, can be persuasive enough to convince a skeptic towards belief, and can be an integral part of the conversion process. ATHEIST CONVERSION TO CHRISTIANITY— PUTTING THE PIECES TOGETHER Through these varying perspectives on the definition and causes of conversion, one thing is clear. Religious conversion is more complex than can be explained through a single-focused theory or explanation. Recent trends in scholarship are beginning to appreciate multiple influences working together. This expanded view of conversion promotes understanding of the dynamic processes and patterns of religious change while appreciating psychological, sociological, experiential, intellectual, and divine influences. Whereas, reduction of a complex phenomenon into ‘bite-sized nuggets’ reinforces potentially biased expectations.30 Researchers are arguing for expanding beyond disciplinary or naturalistic presumptions as a way forward in understanding and explaining the integrated nature of conversion.31 This counsel is sound. We are called to resist reduction and capture a more holistic, dynamic understanding of religious conversion, to be open to perspectives that, while very different, offer valuable insights into the complex phenomena under examination. This is particularly important in unlikely cases, such as atheist conversion to Christianity. Review of the conversion literature reveals a remarkable lack of study on contemporary atheist conversion to Christianity in the West. However, investigation of atheist conversions to Christianity is beginning to dot the academic landscape.32 Langston studied 111 internet stories of self-described atheists who had converted to Christianity and identified ten ‘themes’ in their journeys from disbelief to belief. These themes included function-driven motivations (social, emotional, experiential, existential) and substance-driven influences (intellectual beliefs and spiritual experiences). He concluded that none of these factors were sufficient in isolation to cause conversion but rather observed an integration of influences. More than that, he emphasized that an unlimited combination of factors is possible due to the diversity of



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unique conversion patterns available to individuals. His study confirmed the need for seeing conversion as a dynamic, complex phenomenon rather than reduction to a single cause or occurrence. It is with this broadened approach of conversion that the research in this book was undertaken, to better understand who atheists are, why they rejected belief in God, how and why they became open to change and conversion to belief in God and Christianity, and how it transformed their lives. These fifty former atheists’ stories and perspectives are rich with information and insight, each bringing their own views as atheists, as Christians, and the journey in between. There is much to mine from these depths, and much to learn. But before we consider the research findings, it is important to understand the worldview they left and the one they embraced. Only then can we appreciate the fullness of their conversions. NOTES 1. (Goldberg 2001). 2. (Hindmarsh 2014). 3. (Gooren 2007) Gooren reviewed conventional approaches to conversion (from 1965–2004) and confirmed the overwhelming emphasis on the functional approach, diminishing substantive content. He observed that in previous studies “almost all of the conversion approaches . . . conform to the typical social science bias of tending to reduce religion to social-economic or psychological factors. Most approaches ignore what people believe in, why this is so important to people.” This reduction may reflect ideological bias, skepticism towards knowledge of the ‘non-empirical’ prevailing relativism, and cultural disdain. It inevitably shapes the conception and research of religious conversion, reinforcing a diminished plausibility and reality of religious experience and belief. Religious conversion becomes flattened to a natural process or event. Religion itself becomes lost. 4. (Rambo, Understanding Religious Conversion, 1993), 37. 5. (Pascal 1958). 6. (Muehlhoff 2017). 7. (Kling 2020). 8. (Snow and Machalek 1984) Snow and Machalek undertook a comprehensive review of the religious conversion literature from 1965–1984. Their analysis identified three historical waves defining causation of conversion. The first wave occurred early in the twentieth century and promoted theological and psychological motivations. Kahn (2004) affirmed that Western psychology typically understood religious conversion as individually experienced, intra-psychic change. The second wave of research during the post-Korean war era (~1953–1960) promoted the coercive persuasion, passive, cult-driven model of conversion. Next, sociological causes dominated the third wave in the 1960s. Later, Stark and Finke (2000, pp. 12, 7, 34) reviewed the scholarly approach to religion and reported a functional bias as predominant in literature. In their view, scholars failed to give intellectual and spiritual influence due

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attention. Instead, prevailing theories promoted “the gods are illusions” generated by social or psychological processes. Enlightenment scholars “began with the conviction that religion was not only false but wicked and best gotten rid of as soon as possible.” Since that time, most academics displayed a “substantial bias against those who take their religion very seriously.” They highlighted the gradual move away from acknowledging a supernatural reality as “the most fundamental aspect of any religion,” reporting a tendency to promote religion as socially driven human construction and nothing more, or as merely a constructed epiphenomenon in response to psychosocial realities. Stark and Finke further maintained psychologists tend to reduce religious belief to childish fear, anxiety, and illusion, or as pathologic, irrational, and the outworking of an unbalanced mind. Researchers commonly studied trivial and strange religious groups rather than larger, mainstream movements or sacred groups who omit supernatural elements or religious commitment. In their view, these inclinations were an effort to undermine the credibility of religious belief. 9. (Heirich 1977) (Richardson 1977) (Ozarak 1989) (Rambo and Bauman 2012). 10. (Greil 1977) For Greil (p. 119), “Man is a meaning-seeking animal who cannot endure the sense of being bereft of a viable worldview” and if disillusioned searches for a perspective that can restore meaning to the world within social referents. 11. (Granqvist 2003) (L. R. Rambo, Theories of Conversion: Understanding and Interpreting Religious Change, 1999). Attachment theory of conversion, in Rambo’s view, involves connection or disconnection of an individual with their primary caregiver. Motivations for conversion are either congruent or compensatory for primary parental care. Affective and emotional issues are prominent. 12. (Vitz 2013). 13. (Lofland and Stark 1965) (Austin 1977) (Snow and Phillips, The Lofland-Stark Conversion Model: A Critical Reassessment, 1980) (L. R. Rambo, Understanding Religious Conversion, 1993) (Kahn 2000) (R. and Bauman 2012). For Regnerus and Uecker (2006, pp. 218–220), social contexts are “the most elemental and necessary precursors of conversion to a new religious movement.” 14. (Berger, The Sacred Canopy, 1967) Sociologist Peter Berger maintained all religious traditions require a legitimizing social community to support their continuing plausibility. If legitimizing social structures do not support religion as worth belief, then religion will fade. For Newbigin, plausibility structure is “a social structure of ideas and practices that create the conditions determining what beliefs are plausible within the society in question,” and the “acceptance of which is normally taken for granted without argument, and dissent from which is regarded as heresy.” (Newbigin 1986), 10. 15. (Iyadurai, The Step Model of Transformative Religious Experiences: A Phenomenological Understanding of Religious Conversion in India, 2011). Based upon his research with Christian conversion, Iyadurai recognizes religious conversion can create more problems than it solves, particularly regarding hostility experienced from family and community as the convert adopts a new religion. Conversion can be viewed as offensive, causing the convert to encounter pressing verbal persuasion, verbal and physical abuse, mockery, being disowned, denied financial support or home, public humiliation, murder threats and even murder. Prayer, Bible reading,



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and support of the religious community are sustaining factors for the convert during periods of hostility. 16. (Lofland and Stark 1965) (Seggar and Kunz 1972) (Greil 1977) (Heirich 1977) (Snow and Machalek 1984) (Gartrell and Shannon 1985). 17. (Heirich 1977) Heirich took a closer look at how religious conversion was studied through reviewing fifty empirical studies. In his view, explanations of conversion were reduced to merely functional, experiential phenomenon. He argued that psychological and social processes are not enough to show how a person comes to shift their sense of root reality, that they don’t take into consideration the causal arguments believers make, justifying their conversion. Functionally driven explanations alone limit the range of causes and circumstances precipitating conversion. Heirich then conducted 310 interviews with religious converts and further determined that social influences showed “the route of the religious seeker,” but they were not adequate to explain how or what motivates a person towards a religious quest or a religious response. Rather, the converts typically examined of the claims of the new belief system in their decision making towards conversion. Based upon this conclusion, Heirich suggested an integrated approach of social, psychological, and divine influences as mutual interacting forces moving a person towards conversion. 18. According to the literature, this self-perception aligns with research. Based upon two large representative samples from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health and General Social Surveys, the data suggests more intelligent individuals have a significantly weaker belief in God and significantly less intense religiosity (Kanazawa 2010). With heightened interest in intellectual ideas, then, it is not surprising that atheists achieve higher levels of education than the general public. According to a survey, higher educational attainment decreases certainty in belief in God and is correlated with lower prayer frequency. (Sherkat 2008) (Baker 2008) (Smith 2011) Researchers report atheism as especially common among those with advanced education, 30–40.2% holding graduate degrees. (Zuckerman 2011) (Keysar and Navarro-Rivera 2013) (Williamson and Yancey 2013). In the U.S., atheists are more likely to hold a college degree (43%) as compared to the general population (27%) (Pew report 2016). Across North America, all three countries show a significant difference in educational attainment with atheists 10–15% more likely to achieve upper levels of education than theists (Cragun, Hammer, and Smith 2013). Cragun’s subsequent research compared education levels of scientifically driven atheists with other atheists and found them to hold twice the educational attainment of post-graduate degrees (27%) than that of other atheists (13%), non-religious (13%), and Mainline Protestants (14%), and more than three times the post-graduate education of Evangelical Protestants (7%) (Cragun, Who are the “New Atheists”?, 2015). 19. (Hunsberger and Brown 1984) (Altemeyer and Hunsberger 2006), 40, 54. Hunsberger and Altemeyer’s investigation of atheists showed “things more cerebral” produced more doubts regarding the existence of God. Intellectual orientation was the best predictor of nonbelief among this population, with atheists typically enjoying intellectual discussions, debating religious issues, and considering oneself intellectually oriented. When questioned about their doubts regarding religion and religious beliefs, “the matters that weighed heaviest . . . involved ideas. Did religious teachings

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make sense? Did they correspond with scientific evidence? Could they stand up to examination and criticism? Religion, for these people, failed these tests.” The majority of those surveyed once believed in God but began to doubt during adolescence (median age of 15–18) for various reasons (such as the Bible, education, problem of evil, religious hypocrisy, moral and gender imperatives, pluralism, negative history of Christianity). They concluded that intellectual reasons were the primary motivators towards atheism, as nearly half (47%) indicated belief in God was not logical. Belief “bled through multiple wounds but the letting typically flowed for intellectual, not emotional or personal reasons.” 20. (Lofland and Stark 1965) (Greil 1977) (Gartrell and Shannon 1985) (Pitt 1991) (L. R. Rambo, Understanding Religious Conversion, 1993) (L. R. Rambo, Theories of Conversion: Understanding and Interpreting Religious Change, 1999). 21. (Lewis 1940), 556. 22. (Berger, Some Second Thoughts on Substantive versus Functional Definitions of Religion, 1974). 23. (Austin 1977). 24. (Iyadurai, The Step Model of Transformative Religious Experiences: A Phenomenological Understanding of Religious Conversion in India, 2011). 25. (L. R. Rambo, Theories of Conversion: Understanding and Interpreting Religious Change, 1999), 264. 26. (Rambo and Farhadian, Introduction, 2014), 4. 27. (Iyadurai, The Step Model of Transformative Religious Experiences: A Phenomenological Understanding of Religious Conversion in India, 2011) (Iyadurai, Transformative Religious Experience: A Phenomenal Understanding of Religious Conversion, 2015). 28. (Iyadurai, Transformative Religious Experience: A Phenomenal Understanding of Religious Conversion, 2015), 5–7. 29. (Iyadurai, Transformative Religious Experience: A Phenomenal Understanding of Religious Conversion, 2015) In Iyadurai’s resulting seven step conversion process model, he designated “the Spark” as that point of perceived encountering between the convert and the divine, a moment or specified event in the process, the time at which transformation towards spiritual maturity begins. The Spark could be an ordinary experience of a realization dawned upon or a supernatural experience with sensory elements and occurs before, during, or after pursuit. The Spark convinces the convert of having experienced the truth, something personal with God and is the turning point in conversion. Spiritual maturation then occurs through on-going transformation of all of life (spiritual, psychological, behavioral, physical, social, and economical), a life-long process. 30. (L. R. Rambo, Theories of Conversion: Understanding and Interpreting Religious Change, 1999), 261; (Rambo and Bauman 2012) (Stark and Finke 2000). 31. (Rambo and Farhadian, Introduction, 2014), 12. “Whereas some conversion researchers continue to lean towards their presumptions about reality, explaining conversion through a naturalistic, functional lens, others allow for substantive intellectual and/or spiritual components to play a part. What needs to be carefully discerned are the influential variables some explanations include and what they leave



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out. Conversion studies should expand its horizons and include relevant disciplines to plumb the depths of human communities, cultures, experience, action, and consciousness. The topic of religious conversion requires the resources of various disciplines to understand the multiple factors and dimensions that intersect in religious and spiritual phenomena.” 32. (Altemeyer and Hunsberger, Amazing Conversions: Why some turn to faith and others abandon religion, 1997) (Langston, Faccinani and Albanesi 2019) A review of the academic literature revealed surprisingly few studies investigating conversion of ‘Westernized’ non-religious persons or atheists to Christianity. However, over the past decade more interest has arisen in the study of atheism generally, and conversion of atheists more specifically.

Chapter Two

Atheism and Christianity‌‌ Conflicting Worldview Stories

WHAT IS ATHEISM? WHAT IT IS AND WHAT IT ISN’T One of the first goals in this book is to understand what atheism is and why atheists don’t believe in God and religion. It is only when we understand atheism and atheists that we can more fully appreciate the transformation that occurs in and through the conversion process. A good place to begin is to see how contemporary atheists define the term ‘atheism.’ This helps us see how atheists identify themselves and understand their own worldview although defining the term is not as clear cut as one might think. Atheism means different things to different individuals and groups depending on changing historical and cultural conceptions of God. In its Greek context, the word ‘atheism’ was defined as meaning  a ‘without’ and theos ‘god’ or no belief in God or gods. Past scholars agreed that atheism asserts that there is no God or supernatural reality. But in today’s Western context, atheism generally means non-belief in a culturally dominant, specifically monotheistic Judeo-Christian image of God.1 Whereas older conceptions of atheism assert strong, positive statements about the non-existence of God and have a direct relationship to theism, newer conceptions seek to establish atheism as independent and selfsustaining, and not merely as a ‘subtraction story’ from theism. Former confident descriptors of ‘positive,’ ‘explicit,’ ‘strong’ atheism (‘I don’t believe in God’) have moved towards a lesser ‘negative,’ ‘implicit,’ ‘weak’ atheism (‘I lack a belief in God’).2 Oxford Handbook of Atheism editor Stephen Bullivant acknowledges there is a “frustrating morass of contradictions and crosspurposes” in the descriptions for atheism, that no single, objective definition exists. In his view, atheism is defined as “an absence of belief in the existence of a God or gods . . . an absence of something called ‘theism.’ Importantly, it does not require a specific denial or rejection of, nor any animus against, 21

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this ‘theism’—although, also importantly, it does not rule it out.”3 Similarly, the American Atheists’ website aligns more closely with negative atheism, dismissive of the certainty associated with the positive assertions of God’s non-existence:4 Atheism is one thing: A lack of belief in gods. Atheism is not an affirmative belief that there is no god, nor does it answer any other question about what a person believes. It is simply a rejection of the assertion that there are gods. Atheism is too often defined incorrectly as a belief system. To be clear: Atheism is not a disbelief in gods or a denial of gods; it is a lack of belief in gods . . . Atheism is not a belief system nor is it a religion . . . If you call yourself a humanist, a freethinker, a bright, or even a “cultural Catholic” and lack belief in a god, you are an atheist. Don’t shy away from the term. Embrace it.

This view attempts to distance atheism from a positive statement of belief as well as a particular belief system. Technically speaking, this is correct. Atheism in and of itself is not a belief system. However, dismissing one view of reality does not mean that atheists do not hold a worldview. Rather they hold to certain beliefs about the natural world that follow from a lack of belief in God(s).5 By exclusion they hold a positive belief that the natural world is all that exists akin to cosmologist Carl Sagan’s memorable statement, “The cosmos is all that is, or ever was, and ever will be.” This view of the world is called naturalism. Naturalism has been defined by atheist scholar Graham Oppy as “the claim that there are none but natural causes, beings, and forces in the natural world.” In his view, theism is “false, unbelievable, rationally unacceptable and/or morally unacceptable.”6 Simply put, naturalism claims the natural world exists and nothing outside of the natural world affects the natural world.7 For those who hold to atheism, it is through this presumption of a closed universe that all of the natural world, including questions of life and humanity, must be explained. It is not merely an explicit rejection of God and religious belief. It is an implicit acceptance of another view of reality. Recently, however, there has been a movement to perceive atheism and naturalism’s related beliefs, values, and worldview apart from any religio-spiritual point of reference. According to advocates of this view, nonbelief can be explored and understood autonomously, on its own terms without always being opposed to or in relation with religious belief. Atheism and atheists are seen for what it is and who they are instead of what it isn’t and who they aren’t. Viewing atheism as independent from theism encourages focus on what is believed and experienced, the sense-making questions humans ask within a positive range of beliefs, values, interests, opinions, and behaviors as defined within the naturalistic worldview.8 Here, naturalistic atheism is viewed as worthy of consideration in its own right, not as



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dependent on another worldview to be defined or understood. And, these beliefs, values, and behaviors are not isolated, but generally held and justified within a metanarrative, naturalism’s story of reality. WHAT IS THE NATURALISTIC VIEW OF REALITY? Although naturalistic atheism can be understood as either independent of other worldviews or holding a ‘rejection identity,’ the dismissal of a certain view of reality (disbelief in the supernatural realm as ontologically real or causal) entails the affirmation of another (a naturalistic explanation of all reality). This is a logical conclusion. It is within naturalism’s ‘closed universe’ framework that positive statements regarding the nature of the universe and humanity are made and answers are given to fundamental questions of reality and human life. The story of naturalism is built upon these presumed facts about reality, according to Sire:9 1.  What is ultimately real? Matter exists and is all there is.10 God does not exist. 2.  What is the nature of reality? The cosmos exists as a uniformity of cause and effect in a closed system. 3.  What is a human being? Human beings are complex ‘machines’ indistinct from other elements in the physical reality of the cosmos. 4.  What happens to a person at death? Death is extinction of personality and individuality. 5.  Why is it possible to know anything at all? Human rational faculties came from a blind, non-rational survival mechanism. 6.  How do we know what is right and wrong? Ethics is related only to human beings, grounded in group-approved survival-promoting action. 7.  What is the meaning of human history? History is a linear stream of events linked by cause and effect but without an overarching purpose. More recently, Rosenberg argued for a straightforward presentation of naturalism as a compilation of rational, scientifically supported facts and data that tell the truths about reality. In his view, knowledge of those facts which are found in science, equations, theories, models, and laws lead to ‘real understanding.’ His succinct answers to ‘life’s persistent questions’ paint a clear portrait of naturalistic atheism: Is there a God? No. What is the nature of reality? What physics says it is. What is the purpose of the universe? There is none.

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What is the meaning of life? There is none. Why am I here? Luck. Is there a soul? Is it immortal? No. Is there free will? No. What happens when we die? Everything goes on as before, except us. What is the difference between right and wrong? No moral difference. Why should I be moral? It makes you feel better than being immoral. Does history have any meaning or purpose? It signifies nothing. Does the human past have lessons for our future? Fewer and fewer, if any.11

Although many atheists readily embrace a world without God, there are not as many who seriously consider these sobering facts of reality and the practical consequences for their lives. Beyond Rosenberg, who according to his book title, enjoys life without illusions, there are some who seriously contemplate the logical conclusions of naturalism of what that might mean. Atheist philosopher Michael Ruse holds a pragmatic view of reality, affirming, “Science is a machine, and the world is a mechanism; the components of life are chemicals in motion, and living organisms (humans, animals, plants, viruses) are reproducing, survival machines, and human brains are computers.”12 However, he admits that this mechanistic universe does not answer some of life’s biggest questions, ‘Why is there something rather than nothing?,’ ‘What is the meaning of it all?’ ‘What about the special nature of humans?’ (i.e., consciousness, self-awareness), and ‘What about obligations, morality?’ Despite naturalism’s inability to provide these answers, Ruse prefers atheistic skepticism rather theistic belief and commends a positive perspective even in the face of naturalism’s sobering reality:13 If you become a nonbeliever, then you have left the security of your childhood. There is no ultimate meaning. And secular attempts to find a substitute, like relying on progress, simply aren’t going to do it. It’s gone forever. But don’t panic or despair. There may be no objective morality and no ultimate meaning, but nature (meaning in today’s terms our psychology as molded through evolution by natural selection) has made us such that we can be kind and giving, enjoy life, and find it worthwhile.14

When addressing the issue of suffering in the natural world with no objective good or evil, atheist Richard Dawkins describes the dark implications of a blind, purposeless universe: The total amount of suffering per year in the natural world is beyond all decent contemplation. During the minute that it takes me to compose this sentence, thousands of animals are being eaten alive, many others are running for their lives, whimpering with fear, others are slowly being devoured from within by



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rasping parasites, thousands of all kinds are dying of starvation, thirst, and disease. It must be so . . . In a universe of electrons and selfish genes, blind physical forces and genetic replication, some people are going to get hurt, other people are going to get lucky, and you won’t find any rhyme or reason in it, nor any justice. The universe that we observe has precisely the properties we should expect if there is, at bottom, no design, no purpose, no evil, no good, nothing but pitiless indifference.15

Even so, Dawkins simultaneously holds extraordinary admiration for humanity and the cosmos, hope for greater discovery, and considers the awe-inspiring mysteries of humanity and the universe as wonderful: Human thoughts and emotions emerge from exceedingly complex interconnections of physical entities within the brain. An atheist in this sense of philosophical naturalist is somebody who believes there is nothing beyond the natural, physical world, no supernatural creative intelligence lurking behind the observable universe, no soul that outlasts the body and no miracles—except in the sense of natural phenomena that we don’t yet understand. If there is something that appears to lie beyond the natural world as it is now imperfectly understood, we hope eventually to understand it and embrace it within the natural. As ever when we unweave the rainbow, it will not become less wonderful.16

A naturalistic atheistic view of reality, then, seems to hold within it an inherent dissonance in the way things are (i.e., ultimate meaning, morality are illusions; we live in a blind, purposeless universe) and the way we as humans tend to see and experience the world as sense-making, meaning-seeking beings. As humans we long to understand the world outside of ourselves as well as our personal, interior world. We want to have meaning and make sense of our observations, longings, and experiences in a coherent, comprehensive way that matches with the way things are. The seeming inconsistency between the atheistic view of reality and lived experience is a crack in its surface, a growing fissure which can and does lead to questioning beyond naturalism for those who are willing to look. The stark differences between naturalism and Christianity’s worldview on nearly every question about the world and life itself can and does play an important role in the religious conversion process. Nevertheless, naturalism’s story of reality remains convincing for those who hold fast to it.

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NATURALISM AS MORE THAN FACTS— WHAT IS THE ATHEIST STORY OF REALITY? All worldviews are more than mere isolated facts about the way things are. They tell a story about reality—what it is, how it got here, who we are, how we are to live, what is wrong, how it should be fixed, and where all of reality is going. Each story answers these big questions through the narrative they tell, through the lens of a worldview. Naturalistic atheism and theism both tell a certain story of reality. These grand stories help us fully appreciate the enormous paradigm shift in changing from one view of reality to another. They give us insight into the converts’ perspectives, language, and transformation as they move from embodied belief as atheists in naturalism to belief in God and Christianity. The atheist story of reality tells of the origins, workings, and purposes of the cosmos and all living things. In the mind of famous atheist Bertrand Russell, this narrative originates from the nature’s accidental, meaningless beginnings, ever progressing in creative capacity to generate mankind that is in ways greater than itself. Imbued with symbolism and imagery, Russell chronicled the naturalistic account, portraying the impersonal, unthinking, purposeless universe as giving birth to the personal, knowledgeable, and gifted humanity.17 According to Alister McGrath, atheism’s plot-driven narrative not only births sighted humanity from blinded processes, but also rescues humanity from the ignorance of religion through science and scientists. While rejecting religion and its chains of moral obligations, power, and privilege, atheism affirms visions of larger moral and intellectual freedom.18 Similarly, Charles Taylor portrays atheism’s story as a rise of humanity towards greater ends through scientific reason and rationality, while leaving behind false, superstitious beliefs and outmoded ways of living.19 In his view, the master narrative of atheism is the subtraction story from belief in God to belief in humanity, from childish, weak dependence towards mature, courageous, independent adulthood.20 Taylor summarizes the atheist metanarrative with four connected facets: 1) the death of God thesis that one can no longer honestly, lucidly, sincerely believe in God; 2) a subtraction story of the rise of modern humanism; 3) a view as to the original reasons for religious belief and on their place in human motivations, grounding the subtraction story; and 4) seeing modern secularization as mainly a recession of religion in the face of progressing science, technology, and rationality. The death of God narrative manifests in two primary ways—the science-driven side towards materialism which depicts atheists as “courageous adults who are ready to resist the comforting illusions of earlier metaphysical and religious beliefs in order to grasp the reality of an indifferent universe” and the moral side aimed towards



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getting rid of false illusions.21 In his view, scientific materialism combined with autonomous moral authority compose a powerful contemporary story that “functions as unchallenged axioms, rather than as unshakable arguments. They rely on shaky assumptions and cultural mutations escaping examination in the climate in which they are taken as the undeniable framework for any argument.”22 For Taylor, the narrative dimension is extremely important because the force of their view comes less from argument and more from their storied form, undermining the plausibility structures of faith. For Taylor, atheism “[relegates] all forms of religion to an earlier era . . . the original arguments on which this narrative rests cease to matter, so powerful is the sense created in certain milieu, that these old views just can’t be options for us” in a modern Western context.23 Although Taylor points to the “self-valorizing understanding of atheism” through its positive beliefs and storyline, he also demonstrates the powerful nature of the atheist metanarrative in rejecting religious superstition. The powerful metanarrative of atheism tells the story of atheism’s stability and growth, conflict and adversity with religion, active defeat of the old religious narrative followed by triumph of the new scientific and moral account. It becomes the unquestioned authoritative voice in the university and public square as religion continues to lose intellectual and moral plausibility. This story is passed along as presumed and authoritative in the lives of many atheists, that is, until it is challenged. Now that the groundwork has been laid for considering the pre-conversion context of atheism, naturalism, and atheists’ story, we will look more closely at the Christian view of reality, its grand narrative, as well as some particularities to Christian conversion. Perhaps it will provide some insight into why belief in God and Christianity became compelling to those who once rejected it. WHAT IS THE THEISTIC VIEW OF REALITY? From the outset, atheist and theist views of reality share at least one thing in common, that the natural world is objectively real and can be known through observation, experience, intuition, logic, and reason. As discussed, naturalistic atheism generally answers the big questions of life and reality through a certain understanding that the natural world is all that exists and nothing more, a ‘closed universe.’ In contrast, while Christianity acknowledges the existence of the natural world, nature is not all that there is. Rather, a supernatural reality also exists which preceded and exists together with the natural world, both combining to constitute an ‘open universe.’ That is, explanations for what we see and observe in the universe and in humanity can be open to both natural and supernatural causes. This means that fundamental facts about

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reality are shaped through this more expansive view, allowing for a transcendent source to inform, create, and superintend all of what is seen and unseen, felt and experienced in both natural and supernatural realms. According to Sire, the theistic worldview is based upon these facts about reality: 1.  What is ultimately real? God exists and is infinite and personal (triune), transcendent and immanent, omniscient, sovereign, and good. 2.  What is the nature of reality? God created the cosmos ex nihilo to operate with a uniformity of cause and effect in an open system. 3.  What is a human being? Human beings are created in the image of God and thus possess personality, self-transcendence, intelligence, morality, gregariousness, and creativity. 4.  What happens to a person at death? For each person death leads either to the gate to life with God and his people or the gate to eternal separation from the only thing that will ultimately fulfill human aspirations. 5.  Why is it possible to know anything at all? Human beings can know both the world around them and God himself because God has built into them the capacity to do so and because he takes an active role in communicating with them. 6.  How do we know what is right and wrong? Ethics is transcendent and is based on the character of God as good, holy, and loving. 7.  What is the meaning of human history? History is linear, a meaningful sequence of events leading to the fulfillment of God’s purposes for humanity.24 In the theistic worldview, there is a source outside of the natural world which gives agency to and explanations of those realities which seem to, as Nancy Pearcey alluded, “stick outside of the box” of naturalistic materialism. In her view, the atheistic view of reality is a reductionist framework, leading to illogical and inhuman conclusions as compared with theism: Reductionism leads to a low view of human life. You might picture reductionism as someone trying to stuff the entire universe into a box. When some part of creation is absolutized, then everything is redefined in its terms. In materialism, everything is reduced to matter. Anything that does not fit in the materialist box is dismissed as an illusion, including spirit, soul, will, mind, and consciousness. Humans are redefined in the image of matter, robbed of their uniquely human qualities, and reduced to biochemical machines, without free will, determined by natural forces. By contrast, Christianity begins with a transcendent God and is not reductionistic. It offers a high view of the human person, created in the image of a transcendent Person, and affirms all the features that make us fully human.25



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This high view of human value, capacities, and purposes within theism as juxtaposed with atheism is of critical importance, particularly as someone tries to make sense of themselves and the world around them. Whereas basic human intuitions (i.e., that humans are qualitatively exceptional and valuable, possess inherent dignity) and experiences (i.e., that we have ability to make free choices) and values (i.e., that some things seem ‘really’ wrong) are deemed to be illusions within naturalism, they find a natural home within Christianity. Theism’s robust explanatory power, as compared with the potential cognitive and existential dissonance found in naturalism, can become important in the conversion process as the plausibility of one worldview begins to break down and the plausibility of the other begins to grow. The theistic view of reality is foundational, not only to providing many substantive answers to the weighty questions of the cosmos and of humanity, but also in laying the groundwork for Christian beliefs which flow from the existence and revelation of God. The biblical text informs the Christian view of reality regarding the person and action of God and other supernatural beings, as well as creation and workings within the natural world. Within classical Christian tradition, truth and beliefs are drawn from the cosmos, ‘the world,’ and the Bible, ‘the Word’ and preserved in early church creeds. These early creedal statements included the Apostles’ Creed, the Nicene Creed, as well as the early church creed recorded by Paul in his first letter to the Corinthians confirming “as of first importance” the death, burial, resurrection, and appearance of Jesus Christ as central in defining Christian faith and gospel.26 WHAT IS THE CHRISTIAN STORY OF REALITY? As established, truth claims are tied to and understood within a larger story of reality. As in naturalistic atheism, Christian beliefs are not held in isolation or in purely propositional forms, but rather are understood, embodied, and communicated through a grand story which in turn shapes individual lives and personal narratives. Newbigin describes the Judeo-Christian story as a sweeping, overarching narrative, an “interpretation of universal history, the history of the whole creation and the history of the human race.”27 Succinctly, per Goldberg, “The Biblical narrative unfolds not merely biblical history but essentially all history.”28 Although the bible is comprised of sixty-six books of varying genre (history, poetry, prophecy, biography, and eschatology), composed over a 1,400-year period, its overarching narrative has a cohesive understanding of reality, a unifying theme, and a comprehensive, progressive story line from beginning to end.29 Briefly, the Christian story is one of a broken world created by and reconciled to God and given new life through the death and resurrection of Jesus,

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the self-sacrifice for the sins of all people. God ushers shalom into chaos, brings order into disorder, wholeness into brokenness and fragmentation, light into darkness, and life into death towards the restoration and renewal of all things. The historical Christian narrative does not begin in first century Judaism; rather, the Christian narrative begins with its origins from and even prior to the beginning of time in the person and creative work of God. The biblical account begins with an eternally existent triune God (Father, Son, Spirit—one essence/nature, three persons) who created and sustains the universe and humanity with a telos in mind. His purposes are accomplished throughout history from creation of the world and humankind, pointing towards the person of Jesus as the central person through which all happenings before and afterward are understood. The narrative progresses through themes of Creation of the universe and humanity as good, the Fall of creation and humanity due to sin resulting in corruption and separation from God, the Redemption of humanity and the reconciliation of humanity and God through Christ’s work of salvation on the cross, and finally the Restoration of all things to goodness, although any given person may choose to reject that redemption.30 More fully, the Creation narrative establishes a monotheistic triune God as transcendent, sovereign creator of heaven, earth, and humanity as good and purposed towards flourishing. God is also a personal being, immanent in creation and in His relationship with those whom He had created. The Fall narrative describes entry of evil, sin, and death into the world causing disorder and brokenness between God and humanity, humanity and the universe, humans with one another, as well as within each person as seen throughout human history. The nation of Israel was created as ‘God’s people’ through which all nations understand how to live in right relationship with God despite their sin until the coming of the prophesied Messiah. The Redemption narrative tells how brokenness is remedied through the person and work of Jesus Christ— God who came into the world in the form of a man as Messiah, the fulfillment of law and prophesy.31 Unlike all of humanity, He was perfectly righteous and obedient, without sin. He gave himself up as a sacrifice on the cross to take on the sin, guilt, and punishment of the world, dying a criminal’s death even though He Himself was innocent. Jesus ultimately conquered sin and death by rising from the grave, verifying His resurrection (and claims to be God) through multiple appearances to over five hundred people over forty days. He becomes the resurrection and life for those who believe in His completed work on the cross on their behalf. Within the context of the biblical narrative, Christian faith, ethics, and all of life center on the story of Jesus Christ. His biographies reveal not only His character but are descriptive of and prescriptive towards humanity’s character



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as well. That is, those who read the biblical narrative ‘find themselves’ in the story through reflection and self-discovery as someone who is broken, in need of redemption as well as ongoing transformation and kingdom-directed mission through Christ. The primacy of Jesus within the biblical narrative gives the whole story its shape, forming the way Christian communities and the converts see Jesus as central in history, in the church, and in their lives. This grand narrative is lived out by a faithful church and personally appropriated by the believers actively embodying and carrying forward a historically unfolding drama of Christianity.32 Finally, the Christian story climaxes in Restoration when all things on heaven and earth are made new, and all who are ‘in Christ’ find intimate eternal dwelling with God in an abundant life freed from brokenness and pain.33 This overarching narrative is first and foremost an account of what God did, is doing, and will do in the world and in the lives of those whom He created. Three representative biblical passages summarize the Christian story, revealing sweeping historical narratives.34 WHAT IS CONVERSION TO CHRISTIANITY? This larger Christian metanarrative and the centrality of Jesus give shape to conversion stories as well. Conversion is not a self-created narrative. Rather, an individual’s conversion finds its personal place as relating to the biblical and historical contexts within the larger overarching central ‘great story.’ According to the biblical text, any person of any tribe, language, or nation who admits their guilt of sin and personal offense against God, repents, and accepts Jesus’ act of self-sacrifice for sin on their behalf is given pardon and righteousness, their brokenness and separation from God reconciled. This is the Christian gospel (good news) story. If a person ‘places their trust in Christ’ as Savior and Lord, they are ‘spiritually reborn’ as ‘a new creation in Christ’ and see reality through a different, God-centered lens.35 New converts discover their identity, value, purpose, and destiny within the person of God who sees, knows, values, and loves them, who divinely purposes their lives towards eternal ends. They find their community in the church, established to further God’s kingdom purposes until Jesus returns. Christian conversions are typically patterned as similar to the traditional narrative plot structure of beginning, middle, and end, from ‘one who is’ (pre-conversion state without a personal relationship with God) to ‘one who becomes’ (conversion and reconciliation with God through Jesus Christ). Conversion through personal decision is central as the defining emphasis whereby a person trusts in Jesus for forgiveness of sins and to provide reconciliation with God, making all other events, before and after, intelligible. Conversion may happen in a moment or occur over a period of time. Deep,

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ongoing transformation of the soul continues as converts embody and tell of their new understanding of reality, living ‘story-shaped lives’ within the grand narrative of God. Religious converts begin to perceive and embody aspects of Creation (understanding where we came from), Fall (understanding where we are), Redemption (understanding what we have become), and Restoration (understanding what we are becoming and will become) in their own lives. They see themselves as connected to the larger story of God and his movement throughout history, the Bible, and the church community.36 As former atheist Joseph remarked after his conversion, “I see myself as part of a story and part of God’s story.” Jeremy’s self-written story is a good example of ongoing life transformation from atheism to Christianity, but also helps us see the larger Christian metanarrative (Creation, Fall, Redemption, and Restoration) as applied to his conversion: Creation—understanding where we came from: I was captain of the debate team and editor-in-chief of the newspaper in high school, so I thought I was pretty bright as compared to most people. I was a bit of a loner, so I spent most of my time at lunch breaks reading philosophy. By the time I was 14, I was not only an atheist, but an existential nihilist. Fall—understanding where we are: My atheism was hardened by my own arrogance that I needed someone who was able to respectfully go toe-to-toe with me. I also needed to have someone in my real life (not just in books or online) that I could bounce questions off of. Arguments can indeed shape a worldview, but that’s only true if someone is in a state of mind where truth is valued above all other things. For me, that required really having someone to process life with instead of someone just to process ideas with. I was nearly 16 before I met educated, articulate, Christians that cherished dialogue instead of running from it. After a chance meeting with a philosopher of science and Christian missionary, I ended up studying philosophy in a more immersive sort of way. I soon realized I couldn’t clearly articulate my world view and that I had a lot of holes I needed to fill. However, I was still openly hostile to religious claims and so I set out to disprove every major world religion, so I would always have an articulate answer to ‘why don’t you believe (fill in the blank)’. Redemption—understanding what we have become: After nearly two years of painstaking, meticulous research I had to submit to the fact that Christian theism represented the most coherent, viable, and powerful world view. I despised this conclusion initially, and I often joke that I “became a Christian kicking and screaming.” Those two years of research were exhausting for me both academically and emotionally. I soon realized that my project would fail if I was not taking an objective look at things, so I constantly



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reminded myself not to demonstrate God’s non-existence nor to confirm his possible existence, but to keep myself truly open minded to truth. Restoration—understanding who we are becoming and will become: I had heard the hellfire and brimstone version of Christianity from openly hostile street preachers for a long time, but I remember being really angry and thinking ‘Why on earth has no one ever told me this?!’ when I first understood the full, big-picture narrative arch of Christianity and what it might mean for my life. I suppose what this means practically for the contemporary church is that we need to focus on not only equipping people to articulate and defend Christian theism, but we also need to be fostering open relationships with skeptical people. It’s too easy to view people as nothing more than a collective set of arguments that must be defeated instead of another human being that is deeply longing to understand their world just like we are.

Historically, most conversions naturally occur in the social and spiritual context of Christian congregations. However, more recently an increased emphasis on the personal, inner nature of evangelical conversion in the contemporary West has fostered the potential for individual conversion apart from religious communities and institutions.37 This movement towards independent religious conversions to Christ becomes particularly intriguing considering the academic scholarship’s strengthening contention that religious conversion occurs primarily in the context of strong bonding with a religious group. It raises the question of whether atheist conversions to Christianity occurred independently or as encouraged by and through a church or group of Christians, certainly something that was addressed through this research. One thing is certain: the transformation that occurs in a former atheist’s way of thinking and living is substantial when changing from a naturalistic to a theistic lens of reality. It is this unlikely occurrence to which we turn, first looking closely at why and how atheists became atheists. NOTES 1. (Streib and Klein 2013) (Mawson 2013) Some contend that there are as many varieties of atheism as variety of belief(s) in God. However, because atheism seeks to negate religion, then the form and message of atheism changed over time to counter cultural and religious influences (Williamson and Yancey 2013), 1. For example, in a monotheistic society, an atheist may be someone who simply does not subscribe to a belief in God while in a polytheistic society, an atheist may be one who does not believe in enough gods (Bainbridge 2009). 2. (Bainbridge 2009) (Keysar and Navarro-Rivera 2013).

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3. (Bullivant 2013), 17. ‘God’ in this definition “signifies the ‘genre’ of God traditionally worshipped in Judaism, Christianity, and Islam . . . a supreme, personal, transcendent, omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent Creator” such as the ‘Judeo-Christian God’ or the ‘God of Classical Theism.’ Supreme beings of other monotheistic religion belief systems can also be classified as God but not with the same characteristics. The second category of ‘gods’ do not possess a set of essential characteristics. 4. https:​//​www​.atheists​.org​/activism​/resources​/about​-atheism​/ 5. (Copan 2015) emphasizes that dismissal of theism necessitates embracing of another worldview. If atheism makes the knowledge-claim that God does not exist, this stance is in just as much need of justification as the theist’s claim, God exists. Both atheism and theism bear a burden of proof since both make claims about reality. For Copan, the naturalist must explain important features of the universe and of human existence (such as presumed personal responsibility, personhood, rationality, duties, human value in addition to the beginning, fine-tuning, and beauties of the universe), just as required by the theist. 6. (Oppy 2013), 53. 7. (Lorkowski 2013) It has also been associated with a commitment to a scientific worldview through which methodological naturalism restricts scientific investigation to natural phenomena (Fales 2013), 122–123. Alternatively, the theistic view claims the natural world exists and at least one supernatural entity exists and has affected the natural world. For the naturalist, the theist makes more positive claims about reality and bears greater explanation as an ‘extraordinary claim.’ 8. (Silver et al. 2014), 991–992. Silver claims, “Social scientists could also situate ‘secularity’ or ‘nonbelief’ as a cultural fact that needs no juxtaposition with other constructs such as religion or belief for its exploration—it merely becomes something that is a fact independent of other ontologies.” Similarly, Coleman et al. contend nonbelievers unnecessarily assume an oppositional identity in relation to religion. [Being] “defined by the absence of something cannot always function as a normative point of reference in which to tell researchers what to look for” (Coleman III, Silver, and Holcombe 2013), 1–3. See also (Taves, Asprem, and Ihm 2018); (Coleman, Streib, and Hood, Jr. 2018), 4; (Zuckerman 2009), 953–954; (Lee 2014), 468–469. 9. (Sire 2004) These are formal propositions regarding the worldview. Individual variations in beliefs are inevitable. 10. ‘Matter exists externally’ was changed to ‘Matter exists’ in the light of Big Bang cosmology and the increasing evidence for the beginning of matter and the space time continuum 13.7 billion years ago. 11. (Rosenberg 2011), 6–9. 12. (Ruse 2015), 112–120. 13. (Ruse 2015), 94–95. In McGrath’s book, Atheism, he recounts Thomas Huxley’s coining the term ‘agnostic’ in 1869 to designate someone who recognized the great questions of life lay beyond demonstration. In Huxley’s view, “it was impossible to arrive at any degree of metaphysical certainty in these matters, and the only moral response was declared the existence or nonexistence of God lay beyond true human knowledge.”



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14. (Ruse 2015), 245. 15. (Dawkins 1995), 133. 16. (Dawkins, The God Delusion, 2006), 35. 17. (Russell 1903) “Even more purposeless, more void of meaning, is the world which Science presents for our belief. Amid such a world, if anywhere, our ideals henceforward must find a home. That man is the product of causes which had no prevision of the end they were achieving; that his origin, his growth, his hopes and fears, his loves and his beliefs, are but the outcome of accidental collocations of atoms; that no fire, no heroism, no intensity of thought and feeling, can preserve an individual life beyond the grave; that all the labors of the ages, all the devotion, all the inspiration, all the noonday brightness of human genius, are destined to extinction in the vast death of the solar system, and that the whole temple of man’s achievement must inevitably be buried beneath the debris of a universe in ruins—all these things, if not quite beyond dispute, are yet so nearly certain that no philosophy that rejects them can hope to stand . . . How in such an alien and inhuman world, so powerless a creature as man preserve his aspirations untarnished? A strange mystery it is that nature, omnipotent but blind, in the revolutions of her secular hurryings through the abysses of space, has brought forth at last a child, subject still to her power, but gifted with sight, with knowledge of good and evil, with the capacity of judging all the works of his unthinking mother.” 18. (McGrath 2006), 275. “[Atheism is] the explicit denial of all spiritual powers and supernatural beings, or the demand for the elimination of the transcendent as an illusion. For some, it was felt, the mirage of religion might comfort. Christianity, after all, inculcated a soothing possibility of consolation in the face of life’s sorrows. But increasingly it was argued that this illusion imprisoned, trapped, and deceived. By any index of its capacities, Christianity, like all religions, was held to be deficient. Intellectually, its central ideas were ridiculous and untenable; socially, it was reactionary and oppressive. The time had come to break free of its clutches, once and for all. [There is] a permanent, essential conflict between the natural sciences and religion. Science is at war with religion . . . Science proves things, whereas religion depends on the authoritarian imposition of its dogmas, which fly in the face of evidence. To take the idea of God seriously is to commit intellectual suicide. Scientists are the Promethean liberators of humanity from their bondage to religious tradition and superstition.” 19. (Taylor 2007), 570–571. Using Nietzsche’s ‘death of God’ narrative as a basis, Taylor characterizes the atheist story as an: “upbeat story of the progress of triumphant scientific reason which cherishes the dominance of an empirical-scientific approach to knowledge claims, of individualism, negative freedom, instrumental rationality. But these come to the fore because they are what we humans ‘normally’ value, once we are no longer impeded or blinded by false or superstitious beliefs and the stultifying modes of life which accompany them . . . [It is] a discovery within the frame of a newly constructed understanding of ourselves, our predicament, and our identity. The element of ‘discovery’ seems unchallengeable because the underlying construction is pushed out of sight and forgotten.”

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20. (Taylor 2007), 572–573. “Once we slough off our concern with serving God, or attending to any other transcendent reality, what we’re left with is human good, and that is what modern societies are concerned with. Humankind is independent of God, morally superior, experiencing the world . . . as autonomous beings who revel in choice, as citizens among others in a sovereign people, as potentially in control of history, within a great cultural change of new understandings of self, agency, time, and society which Western modernity has generated . . . as mature, courageous, as a conquest over the temptations of childishness, dependency or lesser fortitude, requires that we remain aware of the vanquished enemy, of the obstacles which have to be climbed over, of the dangers which still await those whose brave self-responsibility falters.” 21. (Taylor 2007), 580. Taylor narrates the atheist ‘moral storyline’: “Once, human beings took their norms, their good, their standards of ultimate value from an authority outside of themselves: from God, or the gods, or the nature of Being or the cosmos. But then, they came to see that these higher authorities were their own fictions, and they realized that they had to establish their norms and values for themselves, on their own authority . . . It is not just that freed from illusion, humans come to establish the true facts about the world [through science-driven materialism]. It is also that they come to dictate the ultimate values by which they live.” 22. (Taylor 2007), 574–575. 23. (Taylor 2007), 590. 24. (Sire 2004). 25. (Pearcey 2015), 45, paraphrase. 26. Christian beliefs are also integrated into doctrinal and sacramental traditions (such as liturgy, baptism, and communion). 27. (Newbigin 1999), 4. 28. (Goldberg 2001), 153. 29. The biblical metanarrative sets itself apart from some other religious texts in its claims to be grounded in historical events rather than purely fictive, mythological, or ideational. While this is not the place to justify the credibility or reliability of the biblical text, it is important to appreciate that many who believe the biblical narrative take it to be theologically and historically true to events, places, and people in the text, unless qualified in context as to its literary genre (such as poetry, prophecy, parables, or wisdom). 30. (Fackre 1996) Fackre summarizes the biblical narrative through seven themes: Creation (by God of the universe and humanity), Fall (of humanity and resulting consequences), Covenant (of God with humanity through Israel), Jesus Christ (God incarnate as the center of human history and through which understanding of the whole narrative is given perspective, followed by Church, Salvation, and Consummation. The main point, per Fackre, is that Christianity, when viewed in the context of story has features of tension and vision, pain and hope, movement, and consummation. From a psychological perspective, Vitz contends Christianity is based upon a historical narrative with deep ironic understandings about human nature including the nature of human depravity, pride, and doubt. For him, Christianity is tragedy ending in joy as the dominant narrative principle. (Vitz 2001), 161–165.



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31. The Trinitarian conception of God (one essence/being with three persons— Father, Son [Jesus Christ], and Holy Spirit) allows for the person of Jesus to come to earth, the ‘Word (logos) made flesh.’ Christian doctrine conceptually supports understanding of the incarnate Jesus as ‘fully God’ and ‘fully man.’ 32. (Fackre, Narrative Theology from an Evangelical Perspective, 2001), 195–199. Fackre sees the evangelical narrative as “the linkage of the Christian Story to the believer’s story through biblical stories. It is the Christian faith lived at the juncture of personal, ecclesial, and biblical narrative.” 33. (Stonestreet and Kunkl 2017), paraphrase. 34. The first narrative passage is located in Acts 17:22–34 whereby the apostle Paul (~63–70 C.E.) is speaking to philosophers and scholars at the Areopagus forum in Greece, telling of God’s creative origin and purposes of the universe as well as God’s relationship to and redemption of humanity. In the second text, Acts 13:16–39, the apostle Paul is speaking to Jews and Gentiles on the Sabbath in the Pisidian Antioch synagogue, recounting the historical ‘story of God’ from the time of the nation of Israel (~1200–1000 B.C.E.) up to first century events, recounting the fulfilled prophecy, death, burial, resurrection, and redemptive purposes of Jesus Christ recorded in 63–70 C.E. Lastly, John 1:1–14 (~ 90–95 C.E.) is a theological narrative as told by the author in the gospel of John, describing the account of Jesus Christ as one member of the triune God, eternally existent, who entered into time and space in first century Judea, becoming human in order for humanity to know God and become ‘children of God.’ This narrative demonstrates not only a historical recounting but also vivid symbolism (e.g., life/light of God as contrasted with darkness of the world; intentional, fatherly love of God and the ability to become His child through believing who He is and receiving the offer of adoption). 35. (Kling 2014), 605–607. Kling sees conversion as “a dynamic, multifaceted movement from something to something,” a pattern of “forsaking, embracing, and incorporation.” In his view, the language of Christian conversion reflects the biblical New Testament Greek terms epistrephein—to turn back, to return to the source of the way of the life; metanoia—to think again, to change mentality, to repent; and/ or conversio—a turning over. Conversion language symbolizes radical change of perspective or transformation in one’s outlook (such as ‘new life,’ ‘new creation,’ and ‘born again,’ ‘a turning, allegiance, or commitment to Christ in whom salvation is promised’). (Peace 2004), 9. Peace clarifies that conversion not only requires metanoia (repentance) but must be combined with pistis (faith) in order to bring about epistrophe (turning). In his view, Christian conversion is characterized by: a decision (repentance) based on understanding (awareness, consciousness, conviction) to turn around from a life of sin (darkness, disobedience, waywardness) to the way of Jesus (light, God, holiness), with a resultant new way of living in the context of the kingdom of God. In theological terms, conversion is the human experience of salvation (vs. the inner reality of regeneration, which is the hidden work of God). 36. (Jindra et al. 2012), 3, 16, 19. Jindra et al. studied Christian conversion narratives in fifty-nine college-aged students. In her research, they presumed “all Christian conversion narratives will tap into the biblical meta-narrative structure (creation, fall, redemption) and will appear more similar than different regardless of individual

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differences that may exist between the converted.” They recognized the linear conversion narrative styles among the testimonies in their “pointing towards the power of the overarching Christian story-line.” 37. A popular form of personal conversion narrative emerged within ‘the autobiographical turn’ with the rise of heightened self-determination, introspection, and individuality. According to Hindmarsh, “In the modern context, authoring an autobiography has become quite literally self-authorization. The ‘we-narrative’ of converts in early medieval Europe . . . has become the secular ‘I-narrative’ of modernity.” With evangelicals adapting to the consumer culture, the gospel has been viewed as a commodity in the religious marketplace. Combined with “a strong countervailing emphasis upon the community of faith,” commodification has led to an evangelical conversion narrative promoting uniqueness and individualism (Hindmarsh 2005), 342–345. Markham also acknowledges contemporary growth of an internal privatized spirituality and a diminishing connection with external life of religious groups, institutions, traditions, practices, and moral codes. Within the evangelical context, conversion is a deeply personal, internal occurrence. He states, “For many evangelicals, conversion is primarily presumed to occur instantaneously as God responds to prayerful petition. Conversion is understood as receiving Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, characterized as a ‘personal relationship with God,’ a change that occurs within the soul” (Markham 2007), 9. G.T. Smith concurs that prevalent evangelical understanding of conversion as an individual experience is separated from external religious groups and institutions. In his view, conversion was isolated from the experience of the church (Smith 2011).

Chapter Three

‌‌‌‌‌Becoming an Atheist Atheists’ Reasons for Atheism

THE WEST—A GROWING CULTURAL CONTEXT OF DISBELIEF It is often thought that religious people are religious because that’s how they were raised. It is the context in which their beliefs were formed. The same can be true of atheists who may have absorbed the beliefs of their home and their culture or on the back of their life experience with or without religious people and institutions. Cultural context sets the stage. It provides exposure to and experience with certain beliefs and associated expectations and behaviors. While context does not determine the truth of a belief, it can and does bear influence on the acceptance of a belief, upon its plausibility, on what ‘seems true’ or ‘seems attractive,’ whether it is worth considering in the first place. Sociologists and missiologists have long considered cultural contexts to be a critical determiner towards which beliefs were acceptable and taken for granted without argument, and which beliefs heretically dissent from the consensus. Generally, if social structures do not support an idea as worthy of belief, then that belief will fade.1 In Western culture, the plausibility of religious belief, particularly conservative forms, has decreased over the past few decades. Christianity has experienced a marginalization in key areas of influential culture rendering its serious consideration suspect at best, deluded and inane at worst. In today’s contemporary context, asking whether or not religious belief is objectively true (i.e., ‘what belief is’ or is grounded upon) is a non-starter, a categorical error. In the minds of many, religious belief is reduced to mere subjective, experiential, individualized truth and nothing more.2 For the modern secularist, religions are all the same, man-made attempts to get through life. There is no transcendent, supernatural reality, only created imaginings of the devoted. For the post-modern individual, truth is relative and self-created. In today’s 39

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pluralistic, atomized culture, religious belief is reduced to one among many personal choices and individual expressions, disconnected from objectively grounded reality. Further, although all religions are seen as manufactured stories, not all are socially acceptable. Conservative forms of belief, particularly Christianity, are viewed through a negative, even oppressive, lens. Not only do they seem unbelievable (not real or true), but also unattractive (not good or relevant) and even dangerous (evil). Altogether, the progressive loss of religious plausibility in social contexts shrinks the role of religion in social life and individual consciousness. As religion is increasingly conceived as merely social or psychological construction, it is delegitimized. This dominating functional approach to religion effectively denies religious content. It diminishes religious differences to the point of inattention and reduces substantive thought and transcendent experience to any other ordinary phenomenon. It reinforces belief as something to be avoided rather than embraced. It naturally follows when cultural plausibility of religious belief is low, particularly conservative forms of Christian belief, this lack of credibility or desirability often causes enough resistance to reject even the possibility of belief, disallowing a fair consideration. Yet this is the cultural pool in which the possibility of seeing religion as true or good sinks or swims. For many, the waters of Christianity have been tainted and there is no need or desire to wade in. Contextual implausibility of religious belief in Western societies, then, becomes a foundational obstacle preventing serious consideration of God and Christian faith. Of course, this general lack of plausibility manifests itself through specific barriers to belief and sets the stage for the different reasons atheists become atheists. WHY DO ATHEISTS BECOME ATHEISTS? WHAT DO SCHOLARS SAY? Why does someone adopt naturalistic atheism as their own, rejecting other alternative beliefs and worldviews? There may be as many answers to that question as there are atheists. But generally speaking, we all presume certain beliefs and question others. We all believe certain things to be true about the world, ourselves, and others and we typically arrive at those beliefs through a process. Oftentimes, those who embrace a naturalistic worldview come by it naturally. That is, they grow up in an environment where it is simply understood, where it is common to lack a belief in God. Unquestioned, unbelief becomes the lens through which to see and experience the world. Others come to reject theism and believe in naturalism as the true view of reality through an intellectual process and exposure to ideas and people who affirm it. Still



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others discard belief in God through difficult life experiences and challenges. Negative experiences with religious people or institutions turn others away from belief. Most times, it is a combination of influences and experiences that causes someone to become an atheist, to embrace the atheist story of reality as the most plausible way of thinking and living. It is usually a gradual process due to numerous factors working together, steadily compounding over time. Scholars have suggested processes towards as well as motivations for someone becoming an atheist which typically include a combination of socio-cultural, experiential, religious, and intellectual elements. In the process towards belief formation, it is important to first recognize someone’s background or ‘precursor’ to atheism as foundational to the subsequent ‘pathway’ towards atheism. Researchers theorize if someone was raised in a religious culture, the process of socialization to atheism typically occurs as the person discovered different ideas through encountering new relationships, hearing other points of view, and observing religious hypocrisy. Next, they begin to doubt, question, reject, and unlearn theism and religious identity, perceiving religion as an uncritical and unsophisticated worldview as compared with a more accurate and desirable rational scientific approach. Finally, they ‘come out’ as atheists, applying the label to themselves and then in the presence of others and take on atheistic identity and belief.3 If starting from a more secularized position, the process of socialization to an atheist identity can occur with or without religious questing or periods of searching or doubt. Although researchers observed patterns towards disbelief, they also acknowledge that the process is not uniform, rather each has their own paths as to how they became atheists. Regarding the motivations for atheism, it is not surprising that intellectual reasons are typically given as the primary justification for disbelief and rejection of religion and religious belief. Other motivations included intuition, education, exposure to other ideas, social relationships, personal experience, suffering and loss, negative experience with religious people, institutions, and beliefs.4 Considering these motivations or processes, then, it becomes clear that a variety of influences work together in forming someone’s atheism based upon a combination of beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors. These motivations can also lead towards atheists taking on various labels which can and do change over time and include descriptions such as skeptic, freethinker, religious none, ‘bright,’ positive atheists, agnostic-atheist, humanist, anti-theist, apatheist, secularist, secular humanist, spiritual but not religious, or nontheist.5 These labels reflect a wide intensity and variety of belief, ranging from an active proponent of a strong anti-theistic atheism to one who personally disbelieves and is apathetic towards the issue of God. With this diversity in mind, some researchers resist the idea of imposing labels upon atheists. Rather, understanding best comes through allowing atheists to describe their

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own experiences, beliefs, and identities rather than having them imposed or presumed, reinforcing what each person knows about their own naturalistic worldview, the story it tells, how and why they hold it as true varies from person to person.6 Despite this diversity, demographic studies tend to profile the typical atheist as younger, mostly male (approximately two-thirds), with higher levels of education and income who tend to be from urban areas and are politically liberal. Although they have often been associated with intellectual elites and academics (particularly in the human sciences), and eminent scientists, atheism is becoming more common in Western culture.7 As far as ‘type’ of atheism embraced, most atheists (between 70–80%) in the United States align with ‘scientific atheism’ as compared to ‘humanistic atheism’ or ‘emotional atheism’ according to research.8 Based upon this brief, general groundwork for understanding atheism and atheists, it is time to turn towards the insights and stories from this research as they perceive and describe their own insights and experience into becoming atheists. WHY DO ATHEISTS BECOME ATHEISTS? WHAT DO ATHEISTS SAY? Through completion of an online survey, each of the fifty former atheists in this research was asked as to their motivations for atheism, with options for selecting many different reasons for disbelief.9 Subsequent individual interviews revealed both motivations for and processes towards atheism. Based upon both survey and interview data, this study broadly agreed with scholars that atheists resist belief in God and Christianity for a range of reasons both functional (socio-cultural, psycho-emotional, experiential, moral, volitional) and substantive (intellectual and spiritual) in nature. In the survey, Brad confirmed twelve of seventeen distinct reasons supporting his once held atheism.10 These ranged from lack of intellectual evidence and rationality to negative experience with Christian hypocrisy, from social and moral disdain to a personal distaste for religious people and institutions. In his case, there was hardly an unchecked box on the survey. He took extra time to type in his former strongly atheistic view that “Christians were deluded and superstitious people who needed to change their false presuppositions and false beliefs.” For him, atheism was objective, known through science, logic, and experience. There was no doubt that God did not exist. He enjoyed the benefits of disbelief not only intellectually, but in the social relationships it gave and the moral freedom it granted. In his interview, Kyle expressed both functional incentive (“insincere motives” and the desire to live life his own way) as well as substantive grounds (“sincere doubts” about his religious beliefs) as the



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main causes propelling him towards atheism. In this chapter, we will review a spectrum of internal and external influences working together which build barriers of disbelief among skeptics beginning with socio-cultural context and its effect on atheistic belief. From there we will consider experiential, emotional, moral, and intellectual reasons why atheists become atheists. This inclusive approach provides greater clarity into the obstacles that are often the unrecognized, weighty reasons below the tip of the iceberg preventing the possibility of considering God or Christianity in an open or meaningful way. DOES SOCIAL CONTEXT INFLUENCE ATHEISM? It has been said, “We often like the ideas of the people we like.” We are drawn towards ideas and perspectives of people around us that conform to where we are, who we are with, and what we desire. Often, the beliefs around us are untested and prevalent, presumed to be true. While social acceptance of a common belief does not determine its truth, the acceptance and promotion of ideas within a social context can affect the perception of what is true. It is not surprising that our environments nurture our beliefs and attitudes towards or against certain ways of perceiving the world generally and religion specifically. Among former atheists in this study, cultural presumptions against God fueled personal disbelief. Nearly half of respondents (48%) reported a general lack of exposure to Christian beliefs, viewing naturalism as a culturally presumed perspective.11 Aaron described how his culture encouraged his own atheism: “We are very hostile [in our culture]. There are two basic premises to atheism: First, there is no God, and second, I hate him. That’s the approach that people have. They think they are being neutral, but they actually don’t want God to exist. They don’t want the world to be like that. That’s where a lot of people start off.” Many were propelled towards skepticism through a lack of general exposure to or experience with authentic religious belief. Aaron continued: A difference with my atheism is I don’t think I heard an actual set-out deductive case for it. It was just something I accepted as part of the culture I was in. I absorbed the criticism and skepticism of that culture which is one that is necessarily sort of skeptical and almost anti-religious. You don’t need to hear an argument. When you speak to people, they’ll say there’s not any evidence. They haven’t examined any evidence for it. They haven’t read any books or exerted any time into examining the best case for Christianity or theism. They’re just saying common things they’ve heard.

In addition to presumed cultural atheism, many came to see religion and religious people through negative caricatures built through cultural messaging.

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Christianity and Christians were portrayed as ignorant, irrelevant, and undesirable. These stereotypes created barriers to belief, building walls of distrust and even disgust from a distance. The resulting unfamiliarity, unwarranted judgment, fear, and distancing made social connection and exposure to intelligent, embodied Christianity less likely and the road to atheism easier. Nonreligious or nominally religious homes also fostered paths towards disbelief. Most in this study reported no practice of religious faith in their home (58%). When asked as to his main reasons for atheism, George said, “A big factor was my parents. Both treated religion and religious questions as unimportant, irrelevant, unnecessary to living life.” Dennis described his non-religious home as influential towards his atheism: I grew up in a household that was areligious. They weren’t irreligious, but they were areligious. There was no discussion of religion. There is no discussion of faith. My dad left my mother, my brother and I when I was seven years old. So, I really didn’t have a father figure in the house, and my mom never talked about faith. I was close to my grandparents, especially my grandmother. I would say in some sense they raised me more than my mother did, but they were also areligious. They didn’t say anything bad about religion, but they never talked about it. It never came up. So, I was not exposed in the house at all to anything about faith. And my friends, none of them were, none of their parents were religious either. I was in a world where religion and faith were just absent. It was a non-issue. So, I didn’t think about it a lot.

From a socio-cultural perspective, atheism can be born from cultural irrelevance, irreligious social environments, and lack of exposure or negative exposure to Christians and Christianity. Naturalism can be presumed as the most plausible way to think and live, especially when someone is surrounded by those with similar perspectives. For Carolyn, it was the absence of exposure to genuine belief that furthered her atheism, saying, “There is that kind of tick that the name of Jesus has and so if you don’t have somebody who is in your family or who is a friend or crosses your path, what other cultural messages are there? They are not that plentiful.” When someone’s cultural context isn’t taking God or religious belief seriously or positively, it often follows that there is no consideration of it at all. It becomes, as Dennis described, a ‘non-issue.’ DOES EXPERIENCE OR EMOTION AFFECT DISBELIEF? As compared to those who had little to no exposure to Christianity, those who had some personal history with Christian faith reported that their experiences either created bridges towards or barriers against God. Nearly half of those in this research had limited or consistent exposure to religion or religious



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people early in their lives. About one-fourth (26%) reported exposure to a form of nominal Catholic or protestant Christian faith, having attended church on occasion before becoming an atheist. Even fewer experienced active participation in religious Catholic or protestant Christian faith (18%), but attendance does not mean belief. Only five (10%) expressed some form of belief in God during childhood or teenage years prior to becoming atheists. For these fifty former atheists, negative exposure to Christianity contributed to the development of disbelief due to perceived hypocrisy (48.0–50%), intolerance (22%), and negative personal experience (24%). Perceived Christian hypocrisy raised a red flag for many non-believers, whether at individual or institutional levels. Failed Christian leaders and institutions fostered cultural indictment of Christians as immoral.  These failures helped build walls of resistance from the elite down to popular culture, undermining its desirability and plausibility. As one former atheist remarked, “The city on the hill analogy works both ways,” either attracting or repelling people from Christianity. Jason saw no need to seriously think about God because faith did not seem to make any practical difference in the lives of Christians he knew, saying, “I saw all the people around me living as if there was no God. My parents were nominally religious in that we said our prayer at night, but it wasn’t meaningful to anybody. It was just what we did. That’s where I decided that I didn’t believe it and there was really no need for me to really think about it.” General difficulties in life relationships, experiences, and events also created doubt and disbelief in God. Many decide either ‘God is not real.’ Or, if He exists, ‘God is not good.’ He is either not ‘there’ or if He is, is not ‘fair,’ their perceptions based upon certain expectations and disappointments.12 Emotional abuse, physical abuse, abandonment, or absence of a father has been correlated with atheism, according to Paul Vitz.13 Although healthy maternal and paternal relationships (10%) contributed to non-belief for some, troubled and/or absent relationships with mothers (14%) or fathers (28%) created resistance to belief among a minority of former atheists in the study. Jacob was raised in a loving, active Christian home, believing in God and trusting Him as ‘caretaker.’ He looked up to his own father, a Christian leader and teacher, until his father abandoned the family. Jacob’s loss of trust in his own father transferred to his loss of trust and belief in God. He described the pain that led him to atheism: About halfway through middle school my family began to change. My family started not being as involved in the church. My father began to not come home as often. Eventually my parents divorced and that certainly hurt my faith, not perhaps at that moment but more so gradually without the leadership, the guidance on a daily basis. I didn’t see him for about six years. I didn’t understand

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why it could have happened or why it would have happened, why someone or parents who were so involved in the church, why this could have happened to them. That was very groundbreaking for me. I prayed for the relationship that they would not divorce, and then it did. So, I felt very unheard.14

Jennifer recalled the troubled relationship with her father that distanced her from belief in God: I grew up not trusting fathers as I had been abandoned by mine . . . My father was in and out of our lives. He was gone quite a bit. And when he did show up, he was very difficult or violent or despondent or what not. So, by extension, I wasn’t going to trust a father, and certainly not an eternal father . . . I was working several jobs and supporting my family. My dad was in and out of my life. The road of my adolescence with him was rocky. This informed my distrust of any spiritual father, by extension. My mom was a single mom raising us and she was drinking at night. I was putting her to bed after she was drinking, and I was working through college. I was so busy surviving.

Among those surveyed, prolonged negative life experiences prompted atheism in two-fifths (40%). Broken and depressed, David’s parents divorced when he was 14. An incident of perceived Christian hypocrisy was the final straw leading David to “give his life to Satan”: Some of it was personal experience with Christians. There was a time after my mom had kicked my dad out of the house and after they had been divorced. There was a mission fieldworker who came over to our house. I thought, ‘Whatever, that’s cool.’ I had some friends over for my birthday party. I was 15 or 16. At some point, I went to ask my mom something. I couldn’t find them. They were in the bedroom. I knocked on the door and walked in and they were naked. That left a bad taste towards Christianity.

As a child, Gary was raised in a family that mocked and dismissed God and religion, saying, “We didn’t go to church at all. We didn’t pray. We didn’t acknowledge God as creator. At home, faith in God did not exist. We didn’t talk about it. We didn’t respect others who did. We didn’t respect them. God was mocked and He wasn’t relevant at all. It was like a big bag of nothing.” Compounding his view of an absent God was the reality of an emotionally absent, abusive father. He recalled, “We grew up socially going to church. The primary influence to get them out of it was my dad’s alcoholism. He was drunk every day. He wasn’t this loud furniture breaking alcoholic. Fifteen minutes after dinner, he would be asleep on the couch drunk. He was just absent. My dad never really addressed me, never really engaged me. I think when you are doing that and living that way, church doesn’t make any sense at all.” After a disturbing episode of sexual abuse at the hands of a neighbor,



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he admitted, “life got very dark for me,” and he began to seriously reject God, reflecting, As I started to get a bit older, I made a decision to reject God through these painful experiences. People would say, “Oh, God loves you.” Those messages might creep in and I thought, “If He loves you, there is no way this happens. This is ridiculous. These people are just dense. The idea that God loved you or cared about you. There’s no way in hell that that could be true.” I was so sad and shipwrecked underneath. When you have an alcoholic parent, it’s not a safe place to talk about what’s true. You don’t do sadness. You have to be tough and handle things on your own. So, the idea that there is this loving heavenly Father, it didn’t compute at all for me.

At age 12, Adam’s parents divorced, undermining his sense of security. This experience along with perceived ‘trouble in the world’ made him feel disillusioned about life, prompting him towards distrust of authority figures who were viewed as uncaring, absent, or irrelevant. These experiences also paved the way towards his disbelief in God. He recalled, It appeared like every authoritative structure seemed to be failing me—whether it be my parents or the government or the church. They all seemed to be failing and so I thought it would be better for me to make up my own version of truth. I don’t think I made a conscious decision to do so until well after the fact. It seemed better to me to base things on my experience rather than to base things on failing institutions.

Former atheists also reported suffering in others’ lives (26%), unanswered prayer (20%), and personal pain (16%) as contributing to atheism. Timothy felt lack of God’s presence or action as related to his sister’s health, saying, “When she was 14, my sister was diagnosed with a neuromuscular disorder so she couldn’t walk. She was getting worse. I didn’t really know what to make of that disease. It was my own private disappointment or sadness, and it grew.” It grew towards rejection of God altogether. Sudden traumatic events also contributed to atheistic belief for nearly one-third (30%). Jessica recalled rejection of God after a heartbreaking event: When I was 22, my best friend died in a car accident, and any remaining shred of thought of praying or anything like that was gone. She had gotten involved in some pretty rough things, drugs and such. She had been sober for only three months when she died. The accident was not her fault and I thought, “Okay God, you are a horrible, horrible thing if you are real because that’s disgusting. Why would you do that? Are you laughing? You just put all her friends and family through this and then she just comes back around, and you just snuff out her life. Is this a sick joke?” On one hand I would’ve sworn up and down that I did

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not believe that God existed and on the other hand I blamed him for what was going on. That one just sealed it.

These stories demonstrate that religion is often rejected because of a negative experience, subjectively confirming a seemingly absent or uncaring God. While atheists often provide rational, intellectual reasons to justify their disbelief, personal, experiential explanations may be lurking underneath the surface. One of the most prevalent reasons for disbelief given by the former atheists in the study was the felt absence or seeming hiddenness of God (62%). In some personal and palpable way, they did not see or feel God in their lives. Expectation was met with disappointment and turned into doubt and rejection. In the survey, the former atheists were asked first to select the main reasons they gave ‘as an atheist’ for disbelief in God. Next, they were asked to reflect ‘as a Christian looking back’ on their reasons for becoming an atheist. The results were both surprising and revealing. Only a minority (4%) declared solely personal, subjective reasons for disbelief ‘as an atheist.’15 However, ‘as a Christian looking back’ one of every four (25%) reported solely personal, subjective causes as their ‘real reason’ for atheism. Fourteen percent (14%) contended that their atheism was solely intellectual. The majority (61%) reported a combination of both personal and intellectual reasons for disbelief. This means that a clear majority (86%) admitted to a subjective reason for atheism, whether in isolation or in combination with more intellectual doubts. This finding reminds us of the importance in recognizing and appreciating the personal and emotional barriers raised against belief in God along with intellectual objections in the substantiation of an atheistic worldview. However, subjective reasons for dismissing God may reach beyond personal experience and emotional pain. They may also include someone’s desire for autonomy and moral license to live as they choose without restraint. WHAT ABOUT THE DESIRE FOR MORAL FREEDOM? Author James Spiegel contends that “immorality leads to unbelief” in atheists.16 Although drive towards moral autonomy was a prominent factor influencing non-belief among the fifty former atheists, it was not as overwhelmingly comprehensive per self-assessment, at least at the conscious level, as Spiegel suggests. ‘A desire for moral freedom’ led nearly half (46%) towards atheism, ‘[religious] moral constraints on personal behavior’ contributed to non-belief for one-third (32%), and half (48%) enjoyed the freedom allowed in making personal choices in atheism. For this group, there is a real sense that they wanted naturalism to be true. They desired moral autonomy without higher authority and the pursuit of personal pleasure without guilt.



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Greg stated, “At first it was fantastic. I could do whatever I wanted. There was no one to judge your behavior. You could write your own moral blank check, so to speak in a way. I took advantage of that in my early 20s I would say . . . I only tended to realize atheism’s negative implications in my thirties. I tended to ignore them in my twenties and enjoyed the moral freedom it provided.” As a ‘Christian looking back’ on reasons for atheism, desire for moral autonomy (42%) ranked second to intellectual reasons among the respondents. Kyle explained: I think for a while the attractiveness of atheism was defined by it not being Christianity. It’s attractive to think I am not going to be judged. It’s attractive to think that I could sleep with anyone I want or use whatever language I want or make any decisions that I want or go and get drunk or whatever. At least theoretically, it seemed like the idea of freedom and casting off shutters and being liberated. I wanted this God stuff to be false. I lived under my parents’ authority so much of my life. I am a free man now. I don’t want a cosmic authority, please. You figure out that all this God stuff is not true, so naturally, as you would do with anything else that is rubbish, you throw it away because you don’t need it and you can breathe a sigh of relief and do what you want.

Although several former atheists used transparent language describing their pre-conversion lives as hedonistic, there were equally as many who self-described as holding to standards of good, decent morals, even troubled by the immorality of others. More than that, they were dismayed by the reality they couldn’t justify their felt standard of morality. In his non-belief, Joseph struggled with the objective grounding of his personal moral standards: I have to say one other thing that did baffle me was, I had this strong sense of right or wrong, but I also knew that there was no ontological basis for it, that ultimately whether you help an old lady across the road or whether you push her in front of the truck, it is ultimately morally meaningless. I still liked a certain sense of chivalry, that there are certain things young man shouldn’t do. Even when I joined the Army, there were certain things my Army friends were doing that I thought were just wrong, you know, seducing young girls at any expense was one of them. That kind of a thing, I thought ‘I just can’t do that. That ain’t right.’ . . . You can ascribe right and wrong to it, but ultimately it has no basis. If we are all evolved animals, then there is nothing wrong with just behaving like animals in the technical sense. And yet, I have a strong sense of what ought not be. But I never reconciled that in my own mind. And said that was a tension I lived with for a while, but with moral absolutes in there somewhere but no reason for having them.

As with any other factor contributing towards disbelief, desire for moral autonomy can be motivating for some, but not for all and should not be

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broad-brushed or presumed. To falsely caricature all skeptics as actively living morally reprehensible lives as primarily motivating their disbelief risks dishonest presumption, a naïve overreach which should be avoided. As we’ve seen here, at times it is the admirable moral lives of some atheists that can and does cause an internal tension, moving them towards resolution and away from atheism. ISN’T ATHEISM RATIONALLY SUPERIOR? Among Western secular voices, there is a presumed intellectual superiority of atheism and atheists as compared to religion and religious people.17 An elevated view of naturalism is often appealing to those who are intellectually driven by rational ideas, arguments, and evidence who presume a substantive lack for the existence of God or the truth of Christianity. Research confirms atheists as more highly educated than the general population in the West, and certainly more than the religious believer, particularly evangelical Christians.18 Within this research, former atheists were a highly educated group who generally valued the intellectual credibility of their held beliefs, deeming themselves as more rationally superior to the average person, as well-educated and scientifically minded.19 Jacob remarked, “It was satisfying to establish a rational truth and the feeling of victory was affirming after adopting a naturalistic worldview that dispelled a ‘primitive’ mindset.” Amanda recalled, “It really affected how I thought about the world, especially my evolutionary mindset. I was very conceited. I thought, ‘Well, I’m smart, talented, and this and that. I’m definitely ahead of the pack here’ and so my thinking was that I’m more evolved than these [religious] people.” Further, atheists often dismiss religious belief as essentially not compatible with contemporary science. According to Richard Dawkins, “Darwin has made it possible to be an intellectually fulfilled atheist.”20 The story of atheism reinforces the elevation of science alongside the elimination of religious superstition. In this research, scientific claims led three-quarters of the respondents towards atheism (74%). Slightly more than half perceived an irreconcilability between science and religious belief (52%) or a lack of objective scientific evidence for God (58%) as further reason to dismiss the possibility of theistic belief. Ryan describes the pervasive dismissal of religion within the scientific community: It was just taken for granted that a mindless, development over time is how things just were. That was something that I just sort of adopted. It wasn’t really like you have to reconcile two kinds of things like well there is a creation and there is science and how do you put those two things together. It was that there



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was no reason to assume that there was some sort of creator for any of it was probably how I would have said it. It was not something that you had to reconcile. It was like, ‘Here science. Science wins. That’s it.’

Greg’s confidence in and grounding of the naturalistic worldview was also grounded in the sciences. He recalled not only his belief in science as the ultimate explainer, but how this belief also fueled contempt for religious believers: Part of it came from my background in education and science. I took a Bachelor of science in biology. I had always been an avid science enthusiast growing up. As a teenager, I read all of Carl Sagan’s books. I was an amateur astronomer. And science for me was the only answer for how you want to understand anything in the world. So that definitely fed into the contemptuousness because I think I regarded people who were religious as—they just don’t understand science. They can’t appreciate science. Either they are ignorant or stupid. I was a champion of the scientific worldview. [Religious] people were just undereducated. It was some mixture of those kinds of things.

As to the influence of education in the formation of their views, the majority (64%) reported being led towards atheism during high school, and nearly half (47%) were influenced towards naturalism at university. However, when questioned as to the ways in which they found their worldview to be compelling, only two-fifths of the former atheists in this research (42%) believed naturalism to be ‘intellectually satisfying, providing substantive, rational answers to issues of life and reality.’ There seemed to be more reason to dismiss belief in God than confidently confirm the grounding of naturalism. When respondents were asked as to their primary reasons for atheism, the majority reported a perceived lack of philosophical (54%) and historical (40%) evidence for God along with supernatural claims in the Bible (42%). Skepticism was a common trait among those in the research, typically guarded against belief in superstitious non-reality. Justin said, “God was an unnecessary complication that I didn’t have any evidence for, and I’m naturally very skeptical of claims that people make. I’m not going to accept something necessarily on the basis of someone telling me. I want to hear reasons for that being the case. If I don’t think they are persuasive, then I won’t accept it.” Interestingly, this skepticism did not dissipate once they were eventually persuaded apart from their atheism, but continued to be a part of their belief formation and substantiation during and after conversion.

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REASONS FOR ATHEISM ARE USUALLY A MIXED BAG Disbelief in God is rarely the outcome of one isolated reason, although traumatic events can and do suddenly trigger atheism. Typically, resistant walls to belief are built with many and varied motivations. Each barrier feeds upon another developing an intertwining of mind, emotion, and will reinforced by social exposure and life experience. Far from a monolithic phenomenon, atheistic identity and beliefs are formed and held by and through a wide variety of influences and motivation. Corroborating prior literature, the fifty former atheists’ self-assessed reasons for rejecting God and Christianity revealed a montage of reasons for non-belief:

Figure 3.1. 2019 Harmon—Former Atheists’ Reasons for Non-Belief—Atheist Stage (N = 50)



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These reasons for atheism typically interact, mutually reinforcing one another towards increasing resistance against belief. Although more than half affirmed atheism due to its perceived rationally superior grounding and perceived incompatibility of science with religious belief, it is important to recognize the combination of intellectual with other non-rational reasons. Stories from this research illustrate a depth and complexity of disbelief. Jeffrey’s resistance first developed after a personal tragedy fueling emotional pain. His sudden disappointment with God and disbelief became wrapped in intellectual armor, social distancing, and anti-theist anger, becoming an ‘evangelical atheist.’ Justin’s atheism was culturally and intellectually presumed, granting him positive social standing and moral license. Jeremy’s disbelief was grounded in the example of an intellectual, scientific father supported by antagonistic atheistic friends. Jennifer’s barrier to belief began with an abusive, alcoholic father, surrounded by a culturally agnostic community and lack of exposure to authentic Christianity. It is probable that there are more reasons for disbelief that weren’t captured. However, based upon both survey responses and interview narratives, this research shows that atheists typically dismiss God and Christianity through a variety of desires, motivations, and influences including (but not limited to): 1.  loss of socio-cultural, moral, and/or intellectual plausibility or attraction towards religious people and beliefs coinciding with reinforced plausibility of secularism and naturalism; 2.  intellectual belief in naturalism accompanied by reinforcement of a priori exclusion of potential supernatural reality; 3.  presumed irreconcilability between science and religious belief; 4.  positive personal experience and desire for atheism with no felt need for God; 5.  negative life experiences and/or perception of incompatibility of suffering/evil and the existence of a good, knowing, powerful God, and/or lack of personal evidence for God; 6.  negative experiences with or impressions of Christians or Christianity due to apparent hypocrisy or other perceived negative moral character traits, actions, or constraints; 7.  lack of exposure to authentic forms of or substantive intellectual justification for Christian belief, grounding, and lived expression; and, 8.  lack of personal desire or willingness to consider religious belief as a viable option. For most, atheism was the only perceived rational, reasonable, scientific, acceptable, moral, or desired option. This naturally led to closed posturing towards belief in God and Christianity.

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HOW STRONG ARE ATHEISTS’ BELIEFS? The strength of someone’s belief is often based upon their own perceived confidence in or trust that their worldview is true according to their way of thinking, and plausible, that it seems true according to their surrounding culture. When former atheists in this research were asked as to the strength of their prior beliefs in naturalism, their responses ranged from ‘strong,’ ‘positive,’ or ‘active’ to ‘weak,’ ‘negative,’ or ‘passive’ forms of atheism. Over half (57%) claimed a positive belief that God did not exist (‘strong atheism’), and a minority (10%) expressed a stronger anti-theistic position that belief in God is dangerous and should be removed from society. Combined, both strong forms of atheism resulted in a two-thirds majority (67%). At the other end of the spectrum, one-fourth (25%) claimed they lacked a belief in God (‘weak atheism’) and only two individuals (8%) portrayed themselves as apathetic, that they didn’t care about the question of God. Both forms of ‘weak atheism’ combined resulted in a minority view (33%) for one-third. This range of responses captured varying strengths of disbelief prior to conversion, not skewed by a particular type of atheism but reflected a range more reflective of Western culture. These former atheists were also asked about the ‘knowability’ of their atheistic position—whether and how it can be known. Nearly one-third (32%) responded that atheism is ‘knowable, objective and rational’ with ‘no doubt that God does not exist.’ Approximately one-third (30%) thought that atheism was ‘essentially unknowable,’ and the final third (30%) thought it was ‘questionable’ or ‘tentative,’ that they ‘doubted their atheism at times.’ They based their knowledge of God’s non-existence using logical reasoning (54%), scientific investigation (46%), and personal experience (28%). One-third (36%) thought naturalism was ‘the only possible option,’ as ‘truth excluded any supernatural or transcendent reality.’ On a scale from ‘uncertain’ to ‘highly certain,’ the majority (72%) were either highly convinced (28%) or moderately convinced (44%) of their atheistic, naturalistic worldview. Interestingly, their certainty exceeded perceived confident knowledge of God’s non-existence. Although two-thirds of the respondents asserted a ‘strong’ form of atheism, only one-third (28%) expressed a high level of confidence underlying such belief. Practically speaking, someone’s degree of confidence in their own views potentially informs their willingness (or not) to consider an alternative explanation or evidence. If confidence level is high, resistance towards change may also be high. Whereas if someone is more tentative in holding their beliefs, their resistance towards change may be lower, more open to other possibilities. In today’s culture, it’s not uncommon to hear atheists proclaim that



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there is no evidence for God. Atheists often refuse to acknowledge burden of proof for grounding their naturalistic worldview, asserting that the onus for verification of truth lies solely upon those who believe in a supernatural reality. It may be that their strongly held beliefs, whether intellectually-, emotionally-, and/or socio-culturally-based, may prevent an openness towards consideration of alternate perspectives and potential evidence. Naturalistic presuppositions can undermine the pursuit of knowledge beyond the closed universe perspective. According to philosopher Dallas Willard, if someone believes from the outset there is no knowledge beyond naturalistic materialism, they won’t seek it. Then their belief that there is no knowledge will confirm itself. Someone might be caught in this virtual cycle of no expectations of evidence, no pursuit, and null outcome. If nothing outside of the natural world exists and there is nothing that can prove otherwise, then that kind of resistance can be difficult to break through. However, that’s not to say that someone is perpetually stuck in their own unwillingness to look beyond their own worldview. The former atheists in this study are evidence that it can and does happen. If anything, what we learn from this chapter is that caution needs to be exercised in generalizing the motivations for atheism for any individual. Although they are common barriers to belief, each atheist presents with a different narrative and combination of influences, unique in motivation, strength, and expression of their own lack of belief or strong disbelief in God. This caution is also true for the way atheists identify themselves and their own worldview. As advised earlier, we need to listen to each person towards understanding their own unique views and perspectives, and not falsely or prematurely presume what an atheist thinks or believes. That being said, we are now going to discover more of how these former atheists viewed religious beliefs as well as their own beliefs and lives. Through their eyes, we’ll take a look at what it’s like to be an atheist. NOTES 1. (Newbigin 1986) (Berger, The Sacred Canopy, 1967). 2. (Berger 1974), 132. Berger’s words from 1974 ring true today: The functional approach to religions, whatever the original theoretical intentions of its authors, serves to provide quasi-scientific legitimations of a secularized worldview. It achieves this purpose by an essentially simple cognitive procedure: The specificity of the religious phenomenon is avoided by equating it with other phenomena. The religious phenomenon is ‘flattened out.’ Finally, it is no longer perceived. Religion is absorbed into a night in which all cats are gray. The grayness is the secularized view of reality in which any manifestations of transcendence are, strictly speaking, meaningless, and

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therefore can only be dealt with in terms of social or psychological functions that can be understood without reference to transcendence. 3. (Smith 2011), 233. A pivotal component in developing an atheist ‘rejection identity’ in Smith’s view is a period of doubt and questioning, determining what someone does not believe as part of the ‘not-self.’ (Greksa 2015), 71–72. See also (LeDrew 2013). 4. (Streib and Klein 2013) For Streib and Klein, motives associated with the development of atheism include intellectual doubts, personal experiences of disappointment or anger with religious professionals, communities, or God, as well as personal suffering, illness, loss, abuse, and/or trauma (Bradley 2014), 12–18, 52. (Bradley, Exline, and Uzdavines, Relational reasons for nonbelief in the existence of gods: An important adjunct to intellectual nonbelief, 2017) Bradley researched atheists’ reasons for nonbelief in God (N=520, U.S.) through participation in a one-hour survey. While intellectual reasons were given as the primary motivator for disbelief (79%), other influences were listed, including intuition (54%), experience (39–43%), emotion (24%), and relational factors (35%). For some atheists, negative encounters or experiences with religious people, institutions, and beliefs contributed to atheism. (Caldwell-Harris, Wilson, Lotempio, and Beit-Hallahmi 2011) (Catto and Eccles 2013), 38–40. For those who were once religious, the most reported reasons for apostacy according to (Zuckerman 2011) included parental influence (lack of religious commitment), secular education (university), misfortune (loss or pain), exposure to other cultures and religions, social relationships (friends, colleagues, lovers), politics (opposing personal beliefs), sex (moral imposition and guilt), Satan and hell (offensive), malfeasance of religious associates (producing unease, disappointment or repugnance), and an internal disposition towards secularity (it was ‘natural’ for them). In sum, he reported a variety of life circumstances, personal experiences, and social dynamics as motivating rejection of religion. John Marriott’s recent deconversion research has highlighted the emotional and cognitive factors as the primary reasons for rejecting religion as well. (Marriott 2021). 5. Per Bradley, atheists prefer to define themselves in terms of positive beliefs rather than simply ‘the lack of belief in God or gods’ or as simply belief juxtaposed to theism (Bradley, The Reasons of Atheists/Agnostics for Nonbelief in God’s Existence Scale: Development and Initial Validation, 2014). Lee emphasizes, “being atheist is not a purely negative or subtractive state” but rather “practicing atheists are those from whom atheism and beliefs manifest in a huge variety of forms” (Lee 2013), 592–595. Silver’s doctoral research (N=1153) revealed six categories of nonbelief: Academic Atheists (37.6%), Activist Atheist/Agnostics (23%), Seeker Agnostics (7.6%), Anti-theists (14.8%), Non-Theists (4.4%), and Ritual Atheists (12.5%), although these identities and related activities can and do change over the course of a person’s life (Silver, Coleman, III, Hood, Jr., and Holcombe, 2014). 6. (Quillen 2015). 7. (Beit-Hallahmi 2006) (Williamson and Yancey 2013) (Cragun 2015) (Pew Research Foundation 2013). From a global perspective, Keysar and Navarro-Rivera (2013) report 450 to 700 million non-believers worldwide, 7% of the total population, including both positive atheists (‘I don’t believe in God’) and negative atheists



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(‘I lack a belief in God’) (Keysar and Navarro-Rivera 2013). Zuckerman reviewed demographic studies and estimated between 500–750 million people do not believe in God. The highest prevalence of atheism was found among Western countries: Australia 24–25%, Canada 19–30%, New Zealand 20–22%, Britain 8–39%, and France 19–54% (Zuckerman, Atheism: Contemporary numbers and patterns, 2007). More recently, Win/Gallup International Association (2015) polled 63,898 people globally to determine religious belief for 65 countries. The number of ‘convinced atheists’ were the strongest among the West with France 18%, Australia 14%, United Kingdom 13%, Canada 12%, and United States 6%. He theorized that nations with the highest rates of ‘organic atheism’ are characterized by high degrees of individual and societal security, societal health, low poverty rates, and strong gender equality. Similarly, the International Social Survey Programme (ISSP) (2008) reports the percentage of positive atheists: France 24%, Australia 16%, United Kingdom 14%, New Zealand 13%, and United States 3%. In their view, popular level atheism is increasing, becoming less ideological. Lee agrees characteristics of radical atheism are dissipating towards a more mainstream, intrinsic form within Western Europe (Lee 2013). The actual prevalence of atheism may yet be higher than these numbers reflect. Determining an accurate count of atheists in the West can be a difficult task due to the perceived social undesirability of atheism. Gervais (2017) explains that many atheists refrain from self-identification even in anonymous polls and that polling numbers vary, particularly where rates of atheism are lower such as in the United States. While Pew Research Center (2014) confirms 3.1% positive self-identification as atheist in America, a Gallup poll (2017) shows 12% who deny belief in God when given a binary yes/no choice. However, in Gervais’s study (2017, n = 4000), 20% expressed positive affirmation ‘I do not believe in God’ but increased to 32% when allowing a more passive ‘lack of belief’ form of atheism. He also identified higher rates of atheism among younger as compared to older populations with Millennials (21%) self-identifying as atheists as compared to Baby Boomers (14%). In comparison, the number of self-identified atheists in the UK and Europe is higher than in the US. The majority (65–71%) of young adults aged 18–24 (Generation Z), 40% of people aged 65–74 (Baby Boomers), and 27% of people over 75 (Silent Generation) identified with ‘no religion.’ Only 26% of French young adults and 21% of British young adults identify with some form of Christianity, only 2% affiliate as Protestant in both countries (Bulman 2017). According to Bullivant, many young Europeans “will have been baptized and then never darken the door of a church again. Cultural religious identities just aren’t being passed on from parents to children. It just washes straight off them” (Bullivant). 8. Two prominent forms of atheism arose through separate academic disciplines. Scientific atheism is often associated with the New Atheism (based in Darwinism and the Enlightenment), and humanistic atheism (pioneered by Marx and Feuerbach) is aligned with the rise of social sciences (LeDrew 2013; Cragun 2015). This rise of scientific atheism came to prominence in the West in the early twenty-first century following the tragic events of September 11, 2001, perceived as dangerous religious acts followed by the release of several books from prominent scientists considered the ‘New Atheists’ who sought to discredit religion altogether. Sam Harris’s The

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End of Faith (2004), Richard Dawkins’s The God Delusion (2006), and Daniel Dennett’s Breaking the Spell (2007) initiated a movement in 2004 promoting atheist and freethought activism. Promoting the atheist story, the New Atheists see atheism as the end point of a gradual progression from religiously fueled ignorance to scientific enlightenment. They reject all elements of supernatural belief and religion and instead place their trust in science. However, not all atheists have the distinctly irreligious characteristics of the New Atheists and may be less confident in science to provide meaningful answers to existential questions. Humanistic atheism is more concerned with issues of social justice, attributing religion as the source of human suffering and oppression due to its misuse of power. Although this form of atheism is in the minority, the infusion of cultural Marxism into Western culture in recent years is most likely bearing active influence in its growth. Hood and Chen differentiated atheism into two main types: ‘emotional atheism’ (with causes ranging from neurosis or personal crisis to absent/defective fathering and attachment theories) and ‘positive atheism’ (as a gradual process of education, science, and/or socialization) (Hood and Chen 2013). 9. The respondents were asked to select all answers that applied to the statement: “As an atheist, my primary reason(s) for disbelief in God and Christianity was/ were . . .” Potential randomized responses included: negative personal experience with Christian people, personal pain in my life, suffering in the lives of others, irrationality of Christian belief, irreconcilability between science and religion, religious hypocrisy of Christian institutions, intolerance of Christians, lack of scientific evidence for God, negative social consequences of belief, negative vocational consequences for belief, moral constraints on personal behavior, supernatural claims of the Bible, lack of philosophical evidence for God, lack of historical evidence for God, lack of personal evidence for God, unanswered prayer, unwillingness or lack of desire for belief. 10. Pseudonyms were assigned to respondents to protect their anonymity unless given written permission to print. 11. Countries represented in the study included the US, the UK, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and France, some more removed from active dominant expression of Christian religion than others. All fifty (50) respondents live within six Western countries, including the United States (33/50, 66%), the United Kingdom (7/50, 14%), Canada (4/50, 8%), New Zealand/Australia (4/50, 8%), and France (2/50, 4%). Biological males comprise 80% (40/50) of research subjects in this study and females constituted 20% (10/50). 12. The problem of evil is foundationally grounded upon a certain individualized expectation of a Judeo-Christian understanding of an omni-benevolent, omniscient, omnipotent God, per C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain. 13. Paul Vitz’s theory from Faith of the Fatherless. 14. Jacob described the devolution of his faith: “I grew up in a Christian family who attended church regularly. Divorce and adultery plagued my parents, and after the splitting of the family, I gradually lost faith. Left unguided without a place to receive proper Christian apologetic responses, I embraced relative ethical and moral truth, and religion became merely a cultural influence to me. Christianity is one of the many. This eventually led to my belief into the naturalistic worldview. Eventually,



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after years of atheism, the question of God lost its importance; the thought of the question of why we came to be became dumb to me—as Richard Dawkins puts it, the question of ‘why’ is sometimes a very stupid question.” 15. Survey Question 13: “As an atheist, my primary reason(s) for disbelief in God and Christianity was/were”: resulted in 12% intellectual only, 4% personal/subjective only, and 84% both intellectual and personal/subjective responses. Survey Question 24: “As a Christian looking back, my atheism was primarily due to”: resulted in 14% intellectual only, 25% personal/subjective only, and 61% both intellectual and personal/subjective responses. 16. (Spiegel 2010). 17. Atheists have been known to elevate naturalistic atheism as the most morally superior view of reality as well. For Ruse (2015, p. 6) belief in atheism is both an intellectual and moral issue, contending atheism as “not just a matter of the facts” of whether or not God exists, but rather “whether morally we should believe in God or the gods.” For him, it is “an intensely moral issue” in that “it is immoral to believe something without sufficient evidence.” 18. Across North America, Cragun (2013) reports Canada, the United States, and Mexico all show a significant difference in educational attainment with atheists 10–15% more likely to achieve upper levels of education than theists (Cragun, Hammer, and Smith, North America, 2013). According to a later US study, Cragun revealed 27% of ‘New Atheists’ have post-graduate degrees, more than three times the post-graduate education levels of Evangelical Protestants (7%) (Cragun 2015). 19.Education level among participants included ‘some college’ (10/50; 20%), a college degree (20/50; 40%), a master’s level college degree (13/50; 26%) or a PhD (7/50; 14%). Forty percent (20/50) hold a post-graduate degree and 80% (40/50) hold a bachelor’s and/or post-graduate level degree. 20. (Dawkins 1986), 6.

Chapter Four

‌‌‌‌‌Being an Atheist Atheists’ Views on Religion and Life

WHEN DO ATHEISTS BECOME ATHEISTS? It is often thought that someone ‘becomes an atheist’ when they go to university, seek freedom from authority, and are encouraged by secular-minded culture. But according to this research, it happens earlier than that, predominantly during adolescence. Four (4/50) recalled themselves as atheists in childhood, for ‘as long as they could remember.’ Most in this study self-identified as atheists at an average age of 15.30 years old (ranging from 0–23 years), a period when independent thinking and expression are heightened, and formative worldviews are being questioned. In today’s increasingly secularized, technologically saturated, anti-Christian culture, many presume agnostic, atheistic, and/or anti-theistic perspectives at younger and younger ages. This means that adolescence drives and shapes thinking, living, and decision making, laid upon a naturalistic view of the world. Maturity takes its course and oftentimes definitive choices made earlier in life are not re-evaluated, but presumed into adulthood. However, through time, life experience, and reflection, some reconsider their earlier perspectives and become open towards other views. As an adult, Todd reflected upon his life decision to become an atheist as a teenager, causing him to rethink his worldview. He recalled, “A pivotal moment for me was when I remembered thinking to myself, ‘I made a decision for my life when I was 17 years old. And here I am 27, basically taking the advice of a 17-year-old. I am putting my faith and my weight in a 17-year-old understanding of the world. I could not let go of that. It cracked the door to having an open mind, a neutral ground.” In this research, atheists remained atheists an average of 10.6 years (ranging from 3–39 years), converting to Christianity as young adults, on average at 25.90 years old (ranging from 16–57 years, predominantly between 18–31 years old). But before we 61

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venture into how and why these former atheists became open to belief, let’s consider the perspectives atheists held towards religion and life. WHAT DO ATHEISTS THINK OF CHRISTIANITY, GOD, AND JESUS? When asked as to their view of Christianity as atheists, their responses were overwhelmingly negative. Unfavorable cultural stereotypes of Christians abound in Western culture, reinforcing the reasons for atheists to push away from religion and religious believers. Technology and media undermine faith through the constant messaging of social networks, film, art, music, and television. Former atheists in this study absorbed negative caricatures through family, friends, education, and culture. A lack of personal exposure to authentic forms of Christianity and Christians combined with negative cultural exposure undermined both the plausibility and attractiveness of Christianity. Joseph was two generations removed from personal exposure to religion, and absorbed contempt for Christianity through the negative stereotypes passed along by his family and portrayed in culture and media: I was born in 1974 having my teenage years mostly in the early 1990s. Growing up the most visible image of Christianity I ever saw was Ned Flanders from the Simpsons. That was the primary Christian image that I could identify. In terms of what Christians believed, it was something along the lines of Ned Flanders. For a big part of the population, particularly for the cultural elites, religion is regarded as like pornography. It is a horrible, dirty, disgusting thing that we allow people to do because we live in a free society, but it should be kept in a paper bag where people don’t have to see it or be affronted by it. That’s kind of where I was, mostly ignorant of religion, partly against it, and a little mystified as to why people continued to do this.

Joseph’s perspectives were not far from most of the former atheists’ views in this research. Participants thought Christianity was a man-made religion (74%), a false, antiquated, or superstitious belief (74%), the result of contrived social invention (62%). Theism was described as an “unnecessary explanation,” “factually false, more-or-less disproven, as disbelieved by modern science.” James viewed Christianity as “mere tradition, of no substance for those in the West who were simply born into it.” Kyle viewed Christianity as born from psychological need as “a construct by people who couldn’t handle the complexity and animal-like depths of human nature, and of nature itself.” Christianity was also perceived as judgmental (42%), intolerant (38%), and of little to no relevance to their lives (60%). Further, some (18%) thought



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Christianity was dangerous, espousing the repressive nature of belief as “an imposition on my rights,” or “the curse of the earth.” Christopher believed Christianity’s “moral positions were dangerous and outdated.” Melissa thought of theism as “mostly benign but potentially dangerous, like many strongly held beliefs.” Informed by the New Atheists, Todd recollected, “In college was where I started thinking that it wasn’t sometimes good and sometimes bad but, if there was a dominant theme, it was more harmful than anything else. It convinced large groups of people to do stupid things and act inhumanely, unethically, or immorally. I put Christianity in the bucket with all other religions.” Christopher reflected, “[I] generally considered Christianity dangerously ignorant while considering other forms of spirituality perhaps well-meaning but naive, or even potentially true.” Only a minority perceived Christianity in a positive light. A few saw it as good for moral training (10%) and a promoter of social justice (6%). Two thought the Christian story was desirable but baseless. Nicholas reflected, “Even if it looked appealing, I was convinced there was nothing to it.” George questioned, “I thought the gospel, of Christ taking my punishment, freeing me for a relationship with God ingenious and beautiful, but was it true?” When questioned as to their views on God, former atheists saw God primarily as mere social belief (62%) or as a harmless, irrational projection such as an “invisible friend, completely fictional,” “a cultural babysitter.” For Jessica, he was “more of a Santa Claus figure. He was someone Christians looked to solve their problems or to give them things they wanted and told them what to do, what rules to follow.” God was seen by some as a dangerous delusion (38%) or an abusive, malevolent, fictional figure (20%) while for others he was perceived as an idealized father figure (14%) or even ‘uncaring or absent’ in the lives of those who believe (22%). More than half (58%) associated embarrassment with belief in God. Only a small minority (12%) considered God as a ‘potential reality’ prior to conversion. As for their views on Jesus, slightly more than half (52%) viewed him as a ‘historical figure, nothing more.’ Nearly half (46%) considered him to be a historical man who, over time, grew through fabricated legend into God. Others thought he was a good moral teacher (38%), or perhaps a social revolutionary (16%). Close to one-quarter (24%) deemed Jesus to be purely non-historical myth, an interesting finding in the context of affirmed historical veracity of Jesus among most contemporary scholars and skeptics. Sean thought Jesus was “entirely fictional or folklore made up character akin to Santa Clause, Paul Bunyan, John Henry, or Pecos Bill.” A minority of respondents held to the historical reality of Jesus but as ‘a deluded man with illusions of grandeur’ (8%), or ‘a man who deceived for selfish gain’ (4%). Five respondents (10%) reported that just as they didn’t think much about God as an atheist, they hadn’t given much thought to the person of Jesus. Kyle

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stated, “I didn’t even think of him very much. It was easier to get hooked on the general absurdity of theism in general.” Dennis responded, “I did not have any significant view of Jesus. Why consider him as a non-theist?” Greg remarked, “I don’t recall a lot of direct thoughts about Jesus himself. I mostly challenged the belief in God.” WHAT DO ATHEISTS THINK OF CHRISTIANS? When asked how these former atheists viewed Christians, the responses were overwhelmingly critical, agreeing with recent reserach. The growing number of atheists, agnostics, and nones in Western culture increasingly view conservative religious believers in a negative light and desire social separation. Guenther’s (2014) research showed that skeptics see religious believers as a group wholly unlike themselves—from naïve, gullible, and/or stupid to narrow-minded, tyrannical, and even evil, posing a social and/or political threat to education and society. The more devoted the religious person, such as evangelical Christians, the less likely non-believers desire to interact and the more social distance they create between them.1 The social distance and hostility atheists typically maintain with religious, particularly devout, believers was the greatest. These perceived social boundaries become important in considering the perception of ‘the other’ due to the risk of developing unwarranted negative stereotypes and ready dismissal without authentic consideration or interaction. The resulting unfamiliarity, unwarranted judgment, fear, and distancing which can and does occur between distanced groups make personal and social connection as well as conversion less likely. This distance may not only create little opportunity to directly interact but may also inadvertently encourage negative stereotypes of religious people that are picked up through negative socio-cultural messaging. Moreover, atheists’ self-perception as intellectual may also have bearing, particularly in religious conversion to a religious group that is not perceived to be intelligent or educated. When there is limited to no personal exposure or relational encountering with genuine Christ-followers, negative perceptions are built on the backs of derogatory cultural messaging. As a reminder, within this study over half (57%) had no personal or direct experience with Christians or Christianity. One-quarter (25%) had some nominal experience with faith, perhaps as a child, attendance at a Christmas or Easter service, or state-sponsored religious education. Only a clear minority had any ongoing exposure to Christian faith through either Catholic (10%) or Protestant (8%) expressions. Only five participants considered themselves believing Christians prior to de-converting from Christianity to atheism. Collectively, their lack of or negative engagement with people of



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faith informed their perspectives. Recalling the powerful contemporary story of atheism, non-belief is considered the more sober-minded, courageous, progressive view of reality towards ‘throwing aside the chains of religion.’ Naturalism disputes the concept of a transcendent ontological supernatural being or objectively falsifiable religious truth; rather, religious beliefs are merely subjective truths constructed and established by communities, useful fictions which further survival and are perceived as childish, superstitious, non-scientific thinking. As atheists, most study respondents held Christians to be ‘irrational, deluded’ (72%), ‘weak, needy’ (60%), and ‘uneducated, superstitious’ (62%) people. Not even one participant in the study thought Christians were educated people (0/50; 0.00%). Brad thought Christians needed to “shed their false presuppositions to change their false, superstitious beliefs,” and Richard conceived them as “brainwashed.” Joseph expressed his sense of intellectual contempt for religious believers: I grew up thinking that religion is stupid, for the weak. It is something innately inherited from my mother, and possibly the idea, I think a bit of a superiority complex, that atheists are intellectually superior to believers. As a child, I thought there must be some kind of god or something, but that was rationalized away to some degree. Even though I was a miserable teenager, I always had a high view of my intellect and the one thing I could always lord over others was that I was not some stupid, crazy, religious nut job.

Greg also held religious people in low regard, stating: They are weak people, weak intellectuals. I thought, ‘Only people who just don’t have the intellectual honesty and guts have to rely on religion to get them through life. If only they were courageous and faced the reality that there is nothing out there in the universe. It is just a universe full of cold dead particles. And carpe diem. Have as much fun as you can while you can. And that’s about it. That’s all life is, right?’ I remember thinking that atheism was a mature perspective for strong adults and religion was for weak children and old ladies.

Of course, not all perceptions of Christians were formed at a distance. Compounded by the perception of hypocrisy, part of the reason why Christians were readily dismissed and disrespected was the perceived lack of substantial intellectual Christian response to skeptics’ questions. The former atheists in this study reported seeking answers from religious people or authorities for their doubts and uncertainties (50%) or unanswered questions (52%). In their view, religious discussions with Christians seemed to foster movement towards disbelief than belief. Although exposure to informed, articulate Christians prompted reconsideration for some, the overall quality of many Christian interactions left a perception of ineptness. Jacob said:

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“When I would ask hard questions, no one seemed to have an answer. At the same time, if I had cogent answers for things and no one had a response to them, then I would just assume that I was right.” Only one-fourth (24%) found Christians to be ‘informed regarding the content of Christian beliefs and worldview’ and a small minority (14%) saw Christians as ‘able to substantively respond’ to their questions. More than half (56%) felt these discussions were met with an impression of the Christian’s inability to adequately respond. Overall, there was a perception of general ignorance of Christians regarding what they believed or why they believed it. Half of them thought Christians lacked knowledge and understanding of scientific evidence (52%) or were uninformed regarding content of Christian beliefs and worldview (40%). James stated, “I was amazed to find them to be quite pleasant people albeit very ignorant of facts.” Justin stated, “I didn’t know any real Christian and those who still professed Christ didn’t seem to be very confident, and I didn’t press them because embarrassing them wouldn’t have brought about much of value.” In addition to content, Christians were also perceived to be conversationally defensive or inept when it came to discussing important questions and issues. Regarding personal interaction, Amanda stated, “Most evangelical Christians I have known in the past seemed to lack significant knowledge of science and tended to be defensive when questioned.” One-fourth of respondents negatively characterized Christians as ‘closed to and/or avoiding interactive dialogue’ (28%), ‘defensive’ (26%), ‘more prone to talk than listen’ (26%), or were unable or unaware of the need to ask good questions (48%). Some also perceived Christians as socially ‘odd’ or ‘weird.’ Dennis commented, “I did not formulate a significant view of Christians. I was uninterested in them and did not have any positive or negative views about them other than I thought they were a bit socially odd.” Christians were also viewed by some as intolerant (42%) and hypercritical (36%), generally holding a negative, critical view on life (20%). However, a few viewed Christians through a positive lens, acknowledging them as ‘good, sincere people’ (22%), ‘morally upright’ (13.73%), and/or ‘holding a positive, purposeful view on life’ (4%). And, some former atheists encountered informed, winsome, authentic Christians during conversational engagement. A few observed Christians to be ‘open to and/or initiating substantive content’ (24%), ‘good, discerning, interested listeners’ (24%), ‘winsome and confident’ (16%), and ‘able to ask good questions’ (12%). For George, “The Christians I interacted with ranged widely in their confidence and knowledge, but since there were many of them, a lot of content got through to me over time.” Christopher recalled, “I mostly demonized Christians, but there were a few genuinely thoughtful, sincere, compassionate people whose lives were a constant reminder to me that I could not paint Christians with such broad



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strokes. They were, I fear, rare.” Anthony was impressed by more than their knowledge, but also in the way they embodied an authentic Christian life, recalling, “I met many Christians who challenged my stereotypes: intelligent, compassionate, who walked their talk, lived the gospel.” Overall, a negative stereotyping of religious belief, Christianity, and Christians once existed in the minds of the former skeptics. With loss of cultural and intellectual plausibility, Christianity was readily disregarded as unworthy of reasonable consideration. Little to no serious hearing of Christianity or Christians was granted. Once designated as implausible, Christianity’s ability to contend for intellectual respectability was lost in the atheists’ negative perceptions. Amanda commented, “I had this impression that no intelligent person really believes this stuff. They might go to church because their family does. It’s a tradition and it’s pleasant, but there’s no reason. When you think that way, before they even speak anything, you’ve already dismissed them.” This sobering out-of-hand rejection from atheists towards religious belief and believers was not uncommon, but not impenetrable, as we will see. DO ATHEISTS THINK THROUGH THEIR OWN BELIEFS? Most of the former atheists in this study held confidence in their beliefs and sensed no intellectual need to explore other options. While reason and evidence can and do play a part in belief formation, oftentimes beliefs are presumed, based upon socio-cultural or authoritative influences rather than thoughtful investigation. This was the case for some former atheists in this research who admitted that they had not come to atheist belief or identity based upon serious study, but rather through an untested decision. Scott admitted, “From the earliest stage I just didn’t believe in God. To me, it was a weakness in people to believe in some kind of God or something like that, but I never really put much thought into it.” Brad expressed, “As an atheist, I thought that my worldview was robust and explained the world around me out of all the other worldviews that I knew of. And, I would say I put my worldview to the test earlier, but in hindsight I actually hadn’t.” Ed confirmed, “I think my atheism was all one big smorgasbord or salad mixed together, and I didn’t obviously have any serious reflection to lead to these things. They were snap judgments, but I was sure and cocky about it. I certainly had little in the way of seriously reflected positions.” Jason added, I don’t know that I thought that much about it. And it wasn’t until 16 or 17 that I really started thinking more about God. God was an afterthought more than

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anything. I thought, ‘Well, God may or may not be there’ but I don’t remember dedicating any time beyond that sort of experimentation to thinking about God whatsoever. So, I had a lot vague notions and feelings and general beliefs but they weren’t really founded. For me it wasn’t as if I had this deep understanding of scientific principles to say, ‘Well, this is why we don’t believe in God.’ It was a generalized, ‘Well, we know about evolution and we know about the formation of the universe, so why do we need to even talk about God?’

All ideologies affirm basic presuppositions regarding ultimate questions as pertaining to physical nature (origin, information, apparent design and purpose of the universe) and human nature (origin, purpose/value, destiny, meaning, morality). As atheists, approximately one-third reportedly gave serious thought to the intellectual explanations for the origin of the universe and origin of life (30%) as well as possible reality (or lack) beyond the material universe (28%). Some were more intentional about grounding their atheistic beliefs than others and felt secure in their rational and logical reasons for their naturalistic worldview, but that was not always the case. Anthony said, “As for the origin of the universe, I was agnostic as to the cause. I wasn’t certain that we had any sort of naturalistic explanation, but I wasn’t convinced that God was behind it either. I was saying ‘Here’s an intriguing thing. What is behind it? Maybe someday we will know.’ But I wasn’t convinced by any answers that I had.” Others were not satisfied with the answers which naturalism and scientific materialism provided. Melissa stated, “Why is there something rather than nothing? I had no answer, so the question really bugged me.” Belief in naturalism entails certain implications regarding the nature of reality, such as loss of objective grounding for morality, rationality, truth, free will, consciousness, human value, and love. When asked as to whether or not they, as atheists, seriously considered the potential consequences for holding to their naturalistic worldview, the responses were mixed. Only a minority contemplated what their worldview meant for morality (36%), for rationality and truth (18%), for consciousness (12%), and free will (16%). Anthony stated, “On the issue of free will, I was a determinist. I thought that free will was an illusion. I think about that less when I’m telling my story, but I guess that was part of the whole nihilistic package that I bought into. I didn’t believe in free will.” Jeremy soberly acknowledged cognitive disconcertion with loss of authentic free will choices: “As a naturalist, I had to concede one hundred percent that I am not thinking, that I am not acting. That to me just did not mesh with reality.” A comparable number (60%) considered what happened after death. Some were bothered and others undisturbed. Ed stated, “The idea that there was no afterlife, the implications of atheism greatly frightened me. I was terrified. I know you read a lot about older atheists that don’t find that terrifying. It certainly wasn’t my experience because of my



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age. That was the main thing that I thought about.” However, Steven was unperturbed by death, stating, I had people, friends of mine who were Christians would come up to me and say, “Have you ever thought what is going to happen to you when you die?” To me, the only thing that is going to happen to me is my body is going to dissolve into the ground and that is it. I am conscious and alive today. I don’t believe that anything is going to happen to me after I pass away, so that argument had no bearing on me whatsoever.

Despite the logical endpoints of their worldview, approximately one-fifth (22%) justified the negative implications, and slightly more than four of every ten subjects (42%) ignored them. Jessica stated, “I ignored and justified the implications, but occasionally wondered if there might be more to ultimate purpose and meaning in life, life after death, and reality beyond the physical/material universe.” When asked whether he thought about any negative aspects of atheism, Justin stated, “Not at all. The way I phrase it is that if the smart people around me didn’t believe that, and didn’t do anything about the existence of God, there was not even a motivation to think about the issues. It is like a settled question. Why even bother? Why even think about those matters? So, it was a very different atheism than the French existentialist atheists.” This is not uncommon for atheists or for those of any other worldview. We often presume our views are correct based on exposure, experience, desire, and authority without personally investigating the grounding or thinking through the implications of what we believe. This is particularly the case when those potential outcomes are not appealing. Naturalistic forms of atheism contend that the natural world is all that exists, that nothing beyond the physical world is ‘real’ but rather illusory. One curious aspect of disbelief in anything beyond nature are the extraordinary experiences that seem to suggest that ‘something more’ exists, perhaps a spiritual realm. As an atheist, Amanda readily dismissed her spiritual experiences, stating, “I had experiences that I thought were divine encounters. Part of my rejection was because I thought I was just deceiving myself. Without the rational grounding that there could even be a God, I could always explain those kinds of experiences away.” As an atheist, John reported two dark spiritual experiences and understood them to be something paranormal, but these experiences did not seem to affect his view of naturalism: There was this spiritual awakening for me when I was a teenager. I experienced occult stuff with Wigi boards. At 13, I saw someone thrown across a room and it freaked me out. We had no idea what happened, how the person got on the floor, and I was out of that house like a bullet—never went back. When they talk about the hairs on the back of your head standing up, that is what it felt like, and

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I was so scared. A couple of years later there was another dark experience in my apartment where I was holding a party. A guy there who was a Satanist started doing a ceremony and then something happened. I mean literally, the whole place went ice cold and again the same thing happened and we were all scared standing there. There were big windows in these old tenement buildings, about 8–9 feet high. It sounded like something tried to push the windows near us, like a crack sound, and we just lost it. The music went off. Everything went silent. Everybody started looking and they all started filtering out. Well, that was my apartment. I had to stay there which I did for two days and then I left it. I abandoned it. I couldn’t stay there so I left. Something had come in and hadn’t left.

When asked as to whether these experiences opened him to the reality of a supernatural world or whether they seemed to conflict with his atheistic views, John reflected, “I hadn’t joined the dots in my mind. I was aware of that spiritual dimension but then resisting it. But of course, there was no narrative there, no framework, nothing to put it into. I never understood why I couldn’t deduce if there was dark power that there was good power other than I was blinded as an unbeliever.” Others described spiritual experiences while they were atheists although they, too, did not have the context to understand or desire to act on their encounters. DOES ATHEISM PROVIDE A SATISFYING LIFE? A common human quest is to find satisfaction in life. If someone feels contented in their outlook and circumstances, they are not often motivated towards change. As atheists, many respondents saw religious belief as irrelevant and unnecessary. Happy and satisfied on their own, one-third (34%) reported ‘no felt perceived need for God’ in their lives. ‘Being an atheist’ also held the added attraction and perception of an esteemed intellectual identity as being associated with the intellectual ‘brights.’2 Atheism “had a certain psychological appeal” for Michelle who felt “superior to others who needed faith.” Sean felt “more intelligent and sensible by nature, which made me feel great about myself.” A few (12%) embraced atheism in a quest towards emotional fulfillment. One-third (34%) moved towards atheism due to their strong sense of self, whereas a low sense of self-worth encouraged non-belief in two-fifths (22%). Only a small minority pursued atheism to provide meaning and purpose in life (14%). Overall, then, did atheism provide the satisfaction they anticipated? In hindsight, some appreciated the positive aspects of atheism as affirming, satisfying and influential towards their held belief. One-fifth (18%) found that atheism fostered relational acceptance and enrichment. Existentially, only



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one-tenth (10%) thought atheism provided a stronger sense of self or meaning and purpose to life and living. Five (10%) found meaningful depth in and through artistic expression within atheism and two (4%) thought atheism fostered respect in their jobs. While there was a sense of positive satisfaction within atheism prior to conversion, slightly more than half (54%) ‘did not find atheism to be generally satisfying but soberly accepted it as truth.’ Scott stated, “Early in my life, there was no alternative possible in my view. Later, it wasn’t satisfying but was still the only option.” Per Kyle, “Even when atheism didn’t satisfy me, it still seemed more satisfying than belief in God.” Two-thirds (66%) ‘seriously contemplated’ ultimate purpose and meaning in their lives and for a few, it was disturbing. James candidly stated, “Life to me was meaningless, but that thought tortured me.” Personal dissatisfaction in life was an underlying tension that for many needed attention and resolution. It allowed the door to other worldview explanations to swing open and served as a catalyst to look for a better explanation. ATHEISTS ARE MORE THAN THEIR VIEWS It’s never safe to presume to know who an atheist is and what they believe and why they believe what they do. Unfounded conjecture can be extremely unwise. More than that, assuming an atheist understands the grounding and implications of their worldview is a further stretch, although they may have well considered both. Regardless of presumptions, studies, and generalizations, it is important to see atheists, their beliefs, motivations, and identities through their own eyes, experiences, and views. It is critical to seek towards understanding of who they are, why they believe as they do, and what is important to them from their own perspective. Atheism may simply be a view that ‘sounds good’ to them, having been briefly exposed to it, accepting it as a matter of natural course of experience with their culture, friends, or family. It may have been a belief they adopted on the back of a difficult event or prolonged experience. Atheism may have become their worldview as a result of diligent consideration and exposure to esteemed intellectual authorities, writings, and education. They may see themselves as part of naturalism’s grand story of a progressing strong secularized science through courageous intellect and autonomy defeating the weak and implausible beliefs of religion. It may be the result of negative encounters with religion or religious people, or the seeming lack of substantive religious answers or implausibility of belief. It can also come through a personal desire to live morally free, unentangled by the moral mandates of religious life. The reasons an atheist gives for atheism is usually a unique combination of experiences, emotions, and intellectual journeying towards atheism and away

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from belief in God and Christianity. What each person substantiates about their own worldview, the story it tells, how and why they hold it as true varies from person to person. Appreciation for the individual cannot be understated. In a recent conversation with Christian apologist Sean McDowell, atheist Drew spoke of the problem of presumption in dismantling meaningful conversation with Christians: Above all, the most frustrating thing is bringing in assumptions about atheists or about atheism that they had learned from Christians, and asserting that and believing that over anything and I mean anything that I could possibly say. They listen to what Christian apologists say about atheism and atheists think more than what an actual atheists thinks and says about himself, more than listen to what I think about my beliefs. It’s nearly impossible to have a conversation with someone who won’t put down assumptions from other people who don’t even know me versus listening to what I have to say and allowing me to inform them on who I actually am and what I actually think.3

Each person is a person, not merely a set of propositional beliefs that inform a worldview. It is that person who must be understood to discover how and why they formed the beliefs and outlook they hold. Jeremy reminds us, “It’s too easy to view people as nothing more than a collective set of arguments that must be defeated instead of another human being who is deeply longing to understand their worldview just like we are.” What also becomes clear is the need to consider a holistic, integrated understanding of belief formation towards one view and resistance towards another. Only then can we better understand how, despite the high resistance, atheists can become open to consider the possibility of another perspective. But this begs the question, how can stalwart resistance against religious belief be overcome? NOTES 1. (Guenther, 2014) The greatest level of hostility towards religion and religious people was directed towards evangelical Christians and Mormons, particularly their religious leaders and institutions. 2. A reference to the self-description of secularists who believe in philosophical naturalism as contrasted with those who believe in some form of supernaturalism. 3. Paraphrased quote from Drew the ‘Genetically Modified Skeptic’ on Sean McDowell’s YouTube conversation “Breaking Down Walls: A Christian and an Atheist in Conversation,” June 18, 2021. https:​//​www​.youtube​.com​/watch​?v​=VJX28l54YxE: 33:45–34:16.

Chapter Five

‌‌‌‌‌Catalysts Towards Change Disruptive Challenges and Longings

HOW AND WHY DO ATHEISTS BECOME OPEN TO GOD? Christians oftentimes encounter atheists and think, “They’ll never change their views, their lives, their desires, their decisions, or what they believe.” Atheists often agree. Of the former atheists interviewed in this research and beyond, most of them thought they would never change from being an atheist. In fact, most of them thought if they ever changed their worldview, they would certainly not become a Christian. Anything except that. This resolute state of being causes us to wonder: What caused them to open themselves towards another worldview? Specifically, what was the catalyst that turned someone so resistant against God to a place of openness towards God, towards Jesus Christ? Was there something disruptive, challenging, or surprising that caused them to begin searching for a way of understanding the world and their own lives that made sense to them? In researching these fifty stories of change, finding the catalyst, that thing or combination of things that moved someone towards considering another perspective, was a central component that needed to be identified. It was the key that unlocked the door towards moving away from atheism and towards conversion. In this study, the Catalyst Stage is defined as a period (momentary—prolonged phase) whereby a person becomes more willing to consider an alternative point of view. This valuable piece of information, the catalyst, is the most fascinating point of discovery in hearing a conversion story. It gives us insight into their pivotal turning points, or a stepping back and reconsidering what was once thought impossible to themselves and others. It helps us consider that there may be more than merely social or psychological motivations, as the social scientists contend are what lead to religious conversion. There may be more than merely rational arguments and evidence that opens someone’s 73

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willingness to reconsider their perspective on life and living, as the Christian apologists typically address. Was it a spiritual experience of some kind, allowing for the possibility of a supernatural or providential encounter? It is most likely a combination of motivations that moves someone from a closed to an open posturing towards searching. Taking a widened perspective helps us consider how we can understand the mystery of change. In the next two chapters, we’ll look at a wide range of catalysts former atheists described as influential in reconsidering their own atheism, causing them to become more willing to become open towards another view. But first, we’ll begin by considering the role of someone’s will as it relates to their readiness or reluctance towards other perspectives. WHERE THERE’S NOT A WILL, THERE’S NOT A WAY Our volitional will moves us either towards or against others and others’ ideas about reality. For someone to change their mind, they must at least be willing to consider an alternate perspective. If they are emotionally, intellectually, or willfully resistant to change, they most likely won’t. Convinced of their own outlook, they can and do become buffered to alternative perspectives, unwilling to listen or engage other ideas or ways of living. Confirmation bias filters out opposing information from their own lens of reality. In the face of counter-arguments and experiences, a backfire effect can occur, causing resolve to strengthen. When this happens, presenting a sound argument or persuasive case may not put a dent in someone’s armor when they are against adjusting their beliefs, affections, and lives. Most of the former atheists in this research fit that description. They held high confidence in their preconversion perspective and were resistant to change. As atheists, any purported evidence for God was often summarily dismissed without serious consideration due to the perceived impotence of religious belief, strong naturalistic presuppositions, lack of desire, and/or loss of plausibility in the socio-culturally and intellectually valid marketplace of ideas. Their own self-assessed confidence in the naturalistic worldview was moderately high.1 On the survey, nearly two-thirds (62%) reported that ‘no evidence would be sufficient to change their views.’ This reluctance surfaced for different reasons. Justin reported intellectual resistance to God due to his a priori naturalistic presumptions about reality and religious texts: The resistance I had was both the fact that I had no place in my worldview for the existence of God or the possibility of miracles. Any talk by Jesus of those matters seemed to be excluded as an a priori exclusion. But also, in my most honest moments, I would say the degree of openness I may have had to anything



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he said or did, the miracles or the texts of God, was stifled by my assumption that if I would ever have to believe in these things, the Bible was not reliable enough to anchor beliefs in those kinds of wonderful things. That is, there are claims made in there. Even as an unbeliever it was very clear that if I ever were to believe those things, I would need to be able to provide solid gold reasons as to why I believe them. And it was clear to me that I didn’t have those reasons.

Resistance includes but extends beyond cognitive rationale. Many candidly admitted aversion towards belief for more than intellectual reasons. Nearly half of respondents (44%) expressed a general unwillingness and/or a lack of desire for belief in God. Forty percent (40%) ‘did not want to believe that Christianity was true’ and a comparable number (38%) ‘intentionally avoided and/or refuted any evidence which positively affirmed God’s existence.’ Kyle expressed both personal and intellectual opposition towards belief in God when he said, “Maybe people like Dawkins are right when they say there’s no evidence and that is a genuine question. It just didn’t look plausible. So, it was definitely both—finding it to be unattractive and not wanting it to be true, but also having some things that didn’t quite make sense. There was interplay between genuine intellectual doubt and less admirable personal biases against it.” Sean described his heightened resistance prior to conversion in no uncertain terms, saying: I did not choose God. There was nothing about me that wanted me to read the Bible, to study the Bible and really learn about it. There was nothing about me that wanted to find God or believe in God or know Jesus. I chose the opposite of that. I chose against God. I chose ‘screw the Bible.’ I chose ‘I don’t want to know anything about God, that’s stupid.’ I chose ‘I don’t want to have anything to do with your religion, that’s stupid.’ That’s what I chose.

Among the fifty former atheists in this study, some were open to the potential reality of God or admiration towards the Christian faith, appreciating its emotional, moral, and social aspects.2 A clear minority (12%) ‘wanted to believe that Christianity was true but couldn’t.’ Despite attraction to religious belief, Richard explained his resistance due to lack of substantive grounding: “I thought it would be wonderful if a great God loved and accepted me, but that’s a long way from taking theism seriously as a fact.” Ten participants (20%) ‘seriously considered evidence and depth of Christian writers and thinkers.’ Still others (8%) were willing to explore beyond naturalism towards alternative forms of spirituality, continuing to resist anything to do with the Judeo-Christian God. James stated, “I never wanted to investigate Christianity. I felt that if there was to be any truth, it would be in something other. I didn’t think it would be religious. I was not spiritual at all.” Most social scientists claim that the religious convert is an active seeker, questing

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towards conversion, but these expressions of willful resistance to belief in God run counter to this expectation. Few in this study (14–16%) reported they ‘actively, authentically searched for the truth about God’ or were ‘actively seeking belief’ in Christianity. Conversely, one-quarter of the respondents asserted that they were ‘not asking questions about Christianity prior to conversion’ (24%) nor ‘actively seeking belief in Christianity’ (68%).3 Half (50%) affirmed that they were ‘neither actively seeking nor avoiding the truth about God’ but were often hostile against Christians and Christianity. Timothy stated, “I wasn’t actively looking for things to refute the existence of God himself, but definitely embraced every opportunity to confirm that Christians were generally ignorant and awful people.” More often than not, intellectual and emotional contempt towards Christians and Christianity was the norm. DISRUPTING THE STATUS QUO As a group, the former atheists in this research demonstrated strong resistance against religious belief and lack of active spiritual questing yet they converted to Christianity despite their personal inclinations, socio-culturally absorbed hostility towards theism, or intellectual skepticism. What was it, then, that caused these atheists to reconsider their life and worldview, to move from resolute resistance to a place of willingness to look beyond naturalism towards a different perspective? Religious conversion expert Louis Rambo describes the catalyst towards conversion as a ‘crisis stage’ causing tension, reconsideration, and openness towards another perspective. Something happens which prompts an intentional, active quest to seek resolution of the presenting distress, to become open to solutions beyond their current perspectives and coping strategies.4 The catalyst is best understood as the door opener towards another view of reality, not what is ultimately convincing towards conversion. However, that is not to say that dramatic, convincing catalysts don’t occur because they do, such as in the case of extraordinary spiritual experiences. But more often than not, catalysts serve as an initiating stimulus to prompt someone towards looking in a direction beyond what they currently know or believe. To reiterate, the catalyst is only the beginning of their journey, the springboard that jump-starts the process of conversion, not typically as the reason for conversion. It would be a mistake to conflate the initiating motivation to consider the possibility of God with the more substantive reasons for conversion which appreciates a broader view. In the context of this research, crisis points or lesser non-crisis ‘disruptions’ were identified which undermined the status quo causing atheists to reconsider their own or other worldviews. In this chapter, we’ll discuss disruptions



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that take the form of intellectual and existential sense-making. Intellectual catalysts occur when someone’s beliefs are questioned either due to an external challenge or spurred on by internal doubt, questioning, and longing to make intellectual sense of the world. An existential catalyst occurs when someone’s worldview doesn’t seem to cohere with or satisfy their internal personal longings, so they become open to other perspectives. Briefly, either there was an external challenge that caused someone to take a step forward to dispute an alternative perspective, in this case Christianity, or an internal intellectual or personal longing that caused them to take a step back to take a closer look at their own. In the next chapter, we will discuss disruptive experiential catalysts which are unsettling events and experiences that range from a normal ‘non-crisis’ change in relationships and circumstances to stark and sobering crises, or more surprisingly, supernatural experiences and encounters. Once we gain insight into these various catalysts, we can better understand how those who resist become open towards considering God. A MEETING OF THE MINDS—THE INTELLECTUAL CHALLENGE CATALYST We all believe what we do because we believe it to be true, because we think it matches with reality, the way things really are in the world. We are usually convinced that we’re right, or else we wouldn’t believe it. Sometimes we encounter people who seem to have exceptionally strong, unwavering confidence for their beliefs. In fact, they have given their lives towards deep understanding, living out and sharing their beliefs with others. But what seems even more extraordinary are those who have completely shifted their way of seeing the world to one that is significantly different from where they once were. They encountered or experienced something that was profoundly convincing enough for them to change. This causes us to wonder how someone changes the basic way they think about the world, themselves, and others. What was the information, event, reflection, or experience that opened the door to another whole different set of beliefs? Usually, something disruptive happens that was not prior anticipated. Something new is learned or experienced that seems to conflict with what someone knows, that challenges their beliefs. They begin to question themselves and their knowledge and perhaps come open to another possibility of what is true and real but that also takes a bit of humility, of admitting that we might be wrong, and more often than not that’s not an easy thing to do. Yet, there are those thinkers who are seriously curious seekers who want to find answers, even if they don’t seem to line up

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with their own beliefs at the time. They want to find the truth no matter where it is to be found and what it is, as long as it is true. Atheists often reject religious beliefs on intellectual grounds based upon the seeming rational superiority of belief in naturalism over theism. There is a confident sense that science will lead the way to the fullness of knowledge about reality. If the answers are not available now, they will eventually be found through observation of and evidence found within the natural world, or so it is thought. Alongside this confidence is often the presumption that religious beliefs are not based upon objective truth, rational arguments, or evidence, but are located in the upper story of subjective, relative truths.5 In many atheists’ views, searching for objective truth within subjective religion is non-sensical. It is committing a category error, looking for something that cannot be found, that does not exist. But, atheists’ strong confidence can begin to wane when their views become substantively challenged. After all, a robust worldview should provide the best explanation of reality when tested. Such a belief system should be comprehensive in scope, internally cohesive, and correspond with objective reality as we know and experience the world and ourselves. An Intellectual Challenge Catalyst occurs when someone’s preconceived presumptions about either the naturalistic or theistic worldview are unexpectedly questioned. This catalyst typically comes in the form of an external intellectual challenge whereby someone encounters new ideas, discussion, or challenges from an alternative perspective or person, causing internal questioning of his or her held beliefs. According to surveyed assessment, more than one-third of former atheists in this research (35%) became open towards reconsidering God, the Bible, and Christianity after a challenged attempt to disprove or discredit it. They reported the desire to investigate the credibility of and/or falsify religious worldviews, or to ‘set a Christian straight.’ Amanda stated, “I met a Christian who challenged my atheistic beliefs and I wanted to argue with him and prove him wrong.” Kyle sought to disprove Christianity, stating, “One of the odd reasons why I ended up exploring apologetics is because I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t true because I had heard people say, ‘There is a good amount of historical evidence for this.’ That was part of it.” Ed recalled, “I needed to read about Jesus, so I could tell people that Jesus was baloney. So, I couldn’t just say, ‘I hated Christianity.’ I needed to be able to say, ‘I read it myself.’” Sean was challenged by a Christian to read more about religion before dismissing it: “He said, ‘Go read about it, think about it and then we’ll talk.’ And I said, ‘Okay, I will do that.’ I thought, ‘I am going to get this guy.’ I had this Bible lying around that someone bought me years ago . . . ” This investigation was the impetus that led him to study the Bible, and he came to believe in the reliability of the biblical text and the truth of Christianity.



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Extensive interviews from fifty former atheists in this study revealed several instances of the Intellectual Challenge Catalyst when surprising or challenging interactions with intelligent, informed Christians spurred investigation. That is, their low expectation of the intellect and substance of Christians and Christianity was changed through encountering someone or something completely other than their prior negative assumptions. Growing up, Amanda was initially put off from religion and religious people due to her experience of anti-intellectualism and judgmentalism, saying, “I really didn’t see Christianity as harmful except with the fundamentalists, those I thought were very anti-intellectual like my dad’s brother was a born-again Christian. In his youth, he would call his parents and tell them they were going to hell. He was always judgmental looking around for something to criticize and it definitely fed into my aversion.” While in college, Amanda’s perceptions were changed when she encountered both a Christian and Muslim on her debate team who were surprisingly brilliant. She recalled, “I was completely stunned. I mean, I really did not think they existed. I totally did not believe that there was anybody like that. I didn’t believe that intelligent people believed in traditional, orthodox Christianity. And, so, to me it was really a big surprise because I had this huge kind of smugness about my beliefs and I was like, ‘Wait a second. Now I can’t be like that.’” This disruptive introduction allowed her to become intellectually open to belief, now convinced of the robust substance of the Christian worldview. Further, those who began searching to disprove Christianity were often startled by the profound thought and evidence that supported it. The comprehensive explanatory nature of the Christian worldview took them off-guard, causing an openness towards what they once thought impossible to believe. In response, some returned to notable atheists to defend naturalism and atheism only to be disappointed, such as in Christopher’s story. After watching intellectual debates between prominent atheists and Christians, he and his roommate reluctantly reconsidered atheism and began taking the Christian worldview more seriously, eventually becoming Christians themselves. He recalled, We would watch debates with William Lane Craig. Pretty quickly, it became obvious to me that Dr. Craig was winning every debate. That didn’t necessarily make me think that his position was right, but it was enough to make me think that Christianity wasn’t stupid. I really thought Christianity was just an inane position. Seeing Dr. Craig destroy everyone in debate removed the obstacle in thinking that Christianity was just stupid. At that point, Christianity became at least an intellectually viable option, but it was still not attractive to me for other reasons, particularly its moral teachings. It wasn’t attractive to me at that point but at least it was intellectually viable. I saw you could be an intelligent,

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thoughtful person and have a faith that was rational and that there were good arguments from history and from philosophy that at least existed.

Life without God gave Kyle the freedom to live the way he wanted. Wanting atheism to be true, he listened to the voices of the New Atheists, including their mandate to follow the evidence wherever it led. He became disappointed in their own lack of substantive response to Christian challengers and challenges, leading him to question his own atheistic views and become open to reconsidering the Christian worldview: I said [hypothetically to Richard Dawkins], “What do you have to say in return?” One of the things that was twisting me around was how little they had to say in return. And specifically, it has become rather infamous, Dawkins’ unwillingness to debate William Lane Craig. I really was feeling disappointed with the New Atheists because I was making life decisions based on some other things that Dawkins would say. I thought, ‘This all started by me trusting you Professor Dawkins when you said, ‘Go for the evidence’ and now I find that you are running away from it. Can you explain yourself please? Come on, defend this atheism that I would still quite like to be true!’ But then again, when you’ve learned these things about how an argument works, how to study evidence, and finding this whole field of philosophy in academic study fascinating, you can’t ignore that. If there is a certain criterion and a type of integrity that is needed to put your argument across then you can’t go back on that. You want the atheist to rise to the standard that the Christians are setting, and they weren’t.

This intellectual catalyst led to him to study Christian philosopher William Lane Craig’s debates and writings, dismantling his prior belief in the naturalistic worldview, and sparking further investigation towards discovering the truth of the Christian worldview. Others weren’t on a path to disprove God or Christianity, but their lives were interrupted by encountering an intelligent Christian, causing them to step back and reconsider their own views. As an atheist, Jeremy considered himself highly intelligent, above religious belief stating, “I thought I was bright as compared to most people. I despised the idea of intense ultraconservative Christianity. It just set me off.” He held high confidence in the rational superiority of naturalism as compared to any other worldview. For him, stories in the Bible “seemed like a wildly incoherent fairy tale” and “product of myth.” Competitive by nature, Jeremy grew up with a strong identity as someone who enjoyed making and winning arguments on an “academic playground.” A loner, he spent much of his free time reading philosophy and by the age of 14 declared himself an atheist and an existential nihilist. Two years later, he met a girl whose father held a doctorate from Germany on Immanuel Kant’s philosophy of science, the first person with whom he “could go toe



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to toe” in the world of ideas. Jeremy set up a weekly philosophy discussion group to learn from this scholar, and through deep study began to realize the impotence of his own worldview to explain his own aesthetic experience or moral sense of reality. He recalled, About six months into studying philosophy with a philosopher I started to realize, even my concepts of nihilism are completely backwards. I had no coherent worldview. I started to get haunted, particularly by beauty. Beauty doesn’t exist or morality doesn’t exist, and I would still be walking out and seeing the sunset and it would just strike me. It was undeniable and self-evident that there was some sort of sense of beauty that really resonates. Why did it do that? So, we ended up studying aesthetics which very quickly showed me there was something here much bigger than myself. I was still terrified of organized religion and still very antagonistic against it.

From that point, he decided to disprove every major world religion, reasoning, “I realized that I did not have a coherent worldview that I still wanted to be the smartest guy in the room.” Investigating Christianity, his approach was, “How can I dismantle this? How can I show that it isn’t true, that it doesn’t match with reality?” He quickly discovered substantive Christian writings which led him from trying to disprove Christianity towards “wanting to know what is actually true.” Through an intensive eighteen-month period of research, Jeremy’s willful shift towards openness and pursuit of truth led him to become intellectually convinced, another step towards conversion. In sum, Jeremy’s Intellectual Challenge Catalyst occurred through meeting a Christian highly trained in philosophy who broke his perception of believers as uneducated, ignorant, and superstitious. Their discussions opened him to discover scholarly Christian writings along with a substantive Christian worldview. During this process he also realized the explanatory inadequacy of naturalism. Together, they opened the door for an honest pursuit of truth, the nature of reality, and eventually the person of God. Kevin was not looking to debate or disprove Christianity, but was comfortably settled into his atheistic identity until an intelligent Christian challenged his views. A self-described thinker, Kevin was a high school history teacher whose strong atheism informed not only his view of history, but his view of the world. Disbelief in religion flowed from its apparent irrationality, its irreconcilability with science, and an apparent lack of objective or historical evidence. His resistance towards belief was reinforced by his experience with Christian hypocrisy and his admitted desire for moral freedom to live in whatever way he wanted. In his eyes, Christianity was neither attractive nor plausible, and he didn’t give it much thought except to dismiss it. Admittedly, he “wasn’t a very informed atheist” but strongly held that “science has proven

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that there is no God. Religion was a superstition that gave that kind of comfort, but I was not interested in that.” A life without God was his “state of play” until he was astonished to encounter an intelligent Christian who also taught science. He recalled their first meeting, After the initial pleasantries, I asked him, “I know you are a Christian. How can you believe when you are a scientist?” He gave me some explanations. I raised these objections to Christianity, like the papacy and the Crusades, and he agreed that they were problems, and I did not expect that. I was expecting some sort of argument, but I didn’t get that. And what was different about him, he is a very humble sort of character, and that was also disarming. I was prepared to get into a real fight, into an argument and he wasn’t that type. I found this whole experience quite strange because I had spent an hour talking to him and I realized that he is a nice person, and I enjoyed having this conversation. He made me think about some things that I had not really thought about. He certainly didn’t convert me in that conversation but what he did was break down some barriers for me. It was an eye-opener. This was a transformative conversation. This was the change. This was the first time that I had met a Christian who was intelligent or seemingly intelligent who could answer some of the questions that I had.

This unexpected conversation was a door-opener for Kevin to study the historical evidence for Jesus, breaking down prior assumptions of the gospels as myth rather than “actual works of history. Bringing it right back to a first century origin really made a difference for me. Again, it didn’t convert me, but what it did was to remove one of the biggest obstacles to trust in the Christian message, and that is that there are grounds for belief, and I didn’t know that.” Charging towards the disproof of Christianity, he wasn’t expecting convincing archaeological and historical evidence for the contemporary biographies of Jesus in the New Testament, nor was he expecting to see courageous eyewitnesses of these first century events as willing martyrs for what they said they saw. Kevin and his Christian friend met every week to address lingering questions. He recalled, “My attitude was still one of unbelief and hostility. I challenged everything. I threw everything at him. I grilled him all the time. But there were answers! There were answers.” To recap, Kevin’s pivotal catalyst was meeting a winsome, intelligent science teacher who derailed his preconceived notions of Christians and Christianity, an unforeseen social encounter that sparked his intellectual search towards truth and a complete life change. Some former atheists began an intellectual search due to unexpected exposure to credible authors offering substantive defense of the Christian worldview. This exposure to informed Christian content, even without interpersonal engagement, began to disarm preconceived negative caricatures of Christians and allowed for openness towards serious consideration of Christianity. After



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being given a Christian apologetics book by a friend, Tyler began an investigation. He recalled, “I looked at the author’s credentials and the professors’ credentials and these are eminent professors at prestigious schools. I read the book and it challenged everything that I could think of. It was very frustrating because a lot of the stuff in there I had never been told before.” This introduction led to his reading forty more substantive books prior to his conversion to Christianity. Other former skeptics were taken by the writings of Christian authors who seemed to possess a richness and dimensional depth, meaning, truth, imagination, and beauty that secular authors did not offer. English professor Michelle sensed a cognitive dissonance between “my aesthetic appreciation of Christian literature and my dismissal of their worldview” and began to consider Christianity more seriously. The difference in substantive depth between secular and Christian literary authors was the Intellectual Challenge Catalyst that spurred on a quest towards Christianity. She recalled, That was the point where I started thinking, ‘These guys aren’t so stupid— Hopkins and Dunn and Elliot and the Anglo-Saxon poets. They’re all Christians. No one could call Hopkins and Dunn stupid or unintelligent. I would be the uneducated one to make that assertion.’ It was at that point, having an aesthetic and emotional response to the poetry and being moved by it in opposition to what I had believed to be true, I finally said, “This is maybe more complicated. There’s something more here than I was willing to give credit for. Let me at least ask the questions to understand better how these people believe what they believe because it can’t be as superficial and stupid as what I think they believe. That can’t account for the text that I have in front of me. I’m just missing something.” At that point I began asking questions. The answers made sense and it unfolds quickly from there.

MAKING SENSE OF THE WORLD— THE INTELLECTUAL LONGING CATALYST Although some intellectual challenges unexpectedly came from external sources, other intellectually-driven disruptions came in the form of internal longings. As humans we are all naturally drawn towards the desire to make sense of our ourselves and the world around us. The Intellectual Longing Catalyst occurs when someone becomes dissatisfied with the lack of substantive answers within their own perspectives regarding what they see, know, and experience. Someone’s presumed, trusted beliefs begin to break down due to doubts which arise when their worldview doesn’t rise to their own standard of explanation. That is, their once held high expectations of their own views to provide adequate explanations for reality begin to falter under scrutiny. Spurred on by a cognitive dissonance and an internal intellectual

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longing, they begin to look for answers that make more sense of what they observe and experience. They start to realize their own worldview doesn’t substantively hold together or answer questions in a satisfying way, prompting them towards a search. Their own intellectual dissatisfaction compels them towards seeking resolution of a felt cognitive dissonance. As stated before, naturalistic atheism entails a loss of objective grounding for morality, rationality, consciousness, truth, free will, virtues, and human value. For those who are willing to confront these logical consequences, this recognition may produce an unwelcomed tension which produces openness towards considering another perspective. As with other worldviews, naturalism must also provide adequate explanation for the origin of the universe, the origin of life, the origin of information, the origin of consciousness, the finetuning of the universe as well as the complexity and diversity of biological systems. If someone’s worldview doesn’t provide an adequate, or at least an intellectually satisfying explanation for these issues, this may open the door to consider other views. In the context of conversion, intellectual dissatisfaction can and does open someone towards another perspective to search for more compelling answers. When someone is willing to critically evaluate the explanatory power and implications of their own or another worldview, it can be a pivotal tipping point upon which their beliefs are confirmed or further questioned. Examples of the Intellectual Longing Catalyst were seen when some possessed a strong sensibility of moral duties and obligations, but they were unable to ground them. Naturalism does not objectively determine ‘what ought to be’ about the world, but rather only ‘what is’ within determinism and/or moral relativism. Disconcertion regarding a seemingly inescapable moral reality prompted some towards questing. Former atheist Christopher was troubled by his inability to reconcile his sense of objective morality and the naturalistic worldview, causing him to doubt. He remembers wrestling with this felt conflict: There were a lot of tensions for me. For example, regarding the moral aspect, I totally understood that atheism had to entail moral relativism but that was always the tension because I believed strongly that moral relativism didn’t make sense. It didn’t cohere with what I knew about the world. So, I knew that one entailed the other, and I just held out hope that maybe there was an answer that I wasn’t getting. But I wasn’t getting good answers from either Christians or atheists so I suppressed it a bit, but I stood in the background and said, “Hey, this is a question I would really like an answer to.” That was one aspect of looking at the atheistic framework and thinking ‘Where does this logically lead me and how can I reconcile that with the rest of my worldview?’ I was prepared to accept it, but I felt there were two things in conflict. It was a lingering doubt for me. I was willing to put up with it if that was the case. If it turned out that the



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world was Dawkins’ blind pitiless indifference, then so be it, but I wouldn’t say necessarily that I embraced that. It clashed with my intuitions about the world. So, that was always a source of cognitive dissonance for me.

For Brad, questions of brokenness, morality, and truth led him to think more deeply about his own naturalism. He was once a militant atheist who thought that “Christians were deluded and superstitious people who needed to change their false presuppositions and false beliefs.” In his view, atheism was objective, known through science, logic, and experience, and he had no intention towards changing. He enjoyed the benefits of disbelief not only intellectually, but in the social relationships it gave and the moral freedom it granted. Although he lived as a confirmed atheist for years, over time he began thinking deeply about his own worldview: When I started looking at the world around me and compared it with my atheistic worldview, things weren’t lining up. A major thing for me was morality and the problem of evil. When I really started looking at the world around me and questioning things . . . the normal questions that you hear like, ‘My dad left my mom. How could there possibly be a good God that would allow this family to fall apart?’ I took that thought and played it out in my mind. It ultimately brought me to a standard of right and wrong, good and bad. And then from there, I couldn’t find that standard in atheism anywhere. Even the way I was living was inconsistent with my beliefs ultimately. So, yes, I was concerned for truth. But it was that concern for truth that led me away from atheism.

When former atheist Paul realized naturalism’s inability to ground objective truth and the inherent conflict in his worldview, it compelled him to search, saying, “This makes no sense for me as a nihilist because we are dealing with truth claims which I believe didn’t really exist. And then I realized this was such a foolish thing to believe. I’m going to make truth claims day in and day out and claim that the truth does not exist. That was a light bulb moment. How could I miss something so fundamental? That got me into the whole issue of ‘What is truth?’” Others found difficulties with naturalistic explanations for basic human experiences, such as freedom to choose, as motivating openness towards finding a better explanation of reality. Jeremy acknowledged cognitive disconcertion with loss of authentic free will choices, admitting, “As a naturalist, I had to concede one hundred percent that I am not thinking, that I am not acting. That to me just did not mesh with reality.” Still others were prompted to discover more satisfying answers to seeming unanswered scientific or philosophical questions within the atheistic worldview. Jason recalled, “I started having this notion that maybe this whole concept of the universe coming into existence out of nothing really doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. I mean,

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how do you get something from nothing? It’s typically untenable.” That seed of doubt prompted him to begin asking more questions about the Christian worldview. In sum, an Intellectual Challenge Catalyst prompted an unexpected quest towards more focused investigation into the question of God due to an external intellectual challenge. Former atheists were typically motivated by an effort to disprove an intelligent Christian or to reconsider Christianity due to encountering substantive Christian authors and thinkers. Whereas, an Intellectual Longing Catalyst finds its source from an internal longing to make intellectual sense of themselves and the world around them. Within the broad context of this research study, there were certainly those who were driven away from atheism and towards other options for intellectual reasons, but typically they did not become open for intellectual reasons alone. In assessing religious conversion patterns of former atheists, those who demonstrated an intellectual catalyst as the sole driving force towards initially justifying and/or disproving belief in God and Christianity was surprisingly low (6%). That is, there was no other self-identified personal (functional, subjective) motivation accompanying the intellectual catalyst. In fact, the primary intellectual catalyst remained low (16%) even when combined with other motivational factors. This unexpected finding has tremendous implications for those who approach someone with an alternative perspective with only intellectual information in an effort towards convincing them to change. While a purely intellectual appeal may be effective for some, a more holistic engagement may be more effective. That’s not to say that the intellectual component didn’t come into play further in the conversion process. In fact, it became increasingly important over time, during a serious pursuit of truth prior to belief and conversion. At the early catalyst stage, however, the surveys and stories in this research suggest that other initiating factors were more compelling. This surprising finding leads us to wonder what catalysts were more influential in breaching an overwhelmingly closed resistance towards consideration of another point of view beyond naturalism. MAKING SENSE OF MY LIFE—THE EXISTENTIAL LONGING CATALYST Humans are ‘meaning-seeking beings,’6 driven towards finding purpose and meaning in life. The naturalistic worldview acknowledges there is no ‘real’ objective meaning or purpose in life, but that someone can create a transient sense of meaning, self-determined towards personal pleasure and satisfaction. In its stark, evolutionary terms, meaning is reduced to a useful fiction, an illusion to help propagate survival. Recalling presumptions within the



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materialistic understanding of reality, the cosmos exists as a uniformity of cause and effect in a closed system and human beings are complex machines indistinct from other elements in the physical reality of the cosmos. Soberly confronting these implications for human life, existentialist Albert Camus reflected, “The absurd is a shadow cast over everything we do and even if we try to live life as if it has meaning as if there are reasons for doing things the absurd will linger in the back of our minds as a nagging doubt that perhaps there is no point.”7 When naturalistic atheism is taken to its logical ends towards nihilism, temporary self-fulfillment can seem empty and lacking. Even the very pursuit of meaning itself can become nullified and lost in a deterministic world of cause and effect with no free will to choose what is and isn’t meaningful. While some atheists are not bothered by this dire understanding of life, others find it to be quite unlivable. Alternatively, the Christian worldview holds that humans are made in the image of God and are of infinite value, the object of divine love, intended toward knowing and loving Him, loving others, and living according to His will and towards eternal purposes. In today’s culture, questions of personal identity, value, meaning, and purpose increasingly dominate our lives, and all are searching for answers. However, unmoored from any transcendent source, the atheist remains tethered to the reductionistic reality of naturalism to define answers to the big questions, ‘Who am I?’ ‘What am I worth?’ ‘What is my purpose?’ or ‘What gives meaning in life?’ Although many atheists are undisturbed by these existential issues and find personal fulfillment in life through enjoying their own autonomy and selfcreated purposes, others are disturbed by the unsettling answers naturalistic atheism provides. They become motivated to begin a deeper probe into the questions of life and living. Just as the Intellectual Longing Catalyst compels someone to make reasoned sense of the world, the Existential Longing Catalyst occurs when someone tries to make existential sense of their lives within a worldview that seems impotent to provide satisfying answers or direction. For religious conversion researcher Heirich, a worldview must make sense of past and present experiences to be believed or seriously considered. Doubts arising from presenting life circumstances either foster an openness or resistance towards exploring other worldview options. If a quest begins, the new account of reality must make sense of their situation.8 The new reality should speak directly to the problem they have encountered and should explain it more successfully than its earlier competitor. Similarly, Richardson agrees that a negative interpretation of life experiences prompts openness towards another perspective. A person becomes disillusioned with their worldview due to a perceived discrepancy between conventional beliefs and their psychological and physical realities, feels ill-prepared to cope, and seeks a new perspective.9

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Os Guinness (2022) contends that once someone becomes dissatisfied with their own perspective, they will become open towards searching for a worldview that provides more satisfying answers.10 In the context of this research, some former atheists began to fully understand the lack of objective meaning, purpose, and value in life within a naturalistic framework. They began to feel existential tension, emotional dissonance, and/or a sense of dissatisfaction and emptiness. This existential longing for more than naturalism offers the catalyst whereby they became willing to reconsider their options, opening the door towards the potential possibility of God. Typically, this does not come easily, but rather over a season of despair over their own state of being. Approximately one-fourth of former atheists in this study began questing beyond atheism to satisfy a driving need for more meaning, purpose, and existential satisfaction in their lives. They wanted a more holistic vision for their lives than the reductionistic, mechanical realities mandated by naturalism. Jennifer admitted, “For years I embraced agnosticism, then atheism. My life felt shallow, and I wasn’t doing well at it, and I started really wanting answers.” Dennis stated, “Lack of ultimate purpose in life gave me some interest in the possibility of the theistic worldview.” As an atheist, Anthony reflected, Every once in a while, I would wonder if there was more to life. Someone in my class was just saying that life was pointless, that we exist to reproduce and nothing else. And I remember at once being both horrified and realizing that maybe that is true. I started going out into the world and trying to figure out ‘Who am I?’ ‘What is my place in the world?’ ‘What does it all mean?’ It struck me that a lot of people around me paid lip service to their idea of nihilism, the meaninglessness of life, but they seemed relatively unperturbed by it, whereas I felt much more deeply, emotionally struck by it, felt quite saddened by it. I reached two conclusions at the same time. One is a conditional claim that if God does not exist then life is pointless or sad ultimately. In conjunction with that claim, I reached a further claim that God does not exist. Those two claims entailed that life was pointless. But I would have never endorsed the view that you should just create meaning. I just saw that as like illusory, a form of wish fulfillment. Basically, I was self-awaredly irrational. I thought, ‘I know I’ve been living as if meaning exists, but it doesn’t, and I wish I could be consistent, but I can’t.’

The discord Anthony felt between his worldview and his desire for deep meaning, identity, and purpose was the catalyst that opened him towards looking beyond naturalism for more satisfying answers. Ashley was also trying to make sense of her life without God. Although she was convinced naturalism was true, it was not existentially satisfying. Her disillusionment with the sobering reality of atheism led her to become willing to look elsewhere. She recalled,



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I also really liked Christopher Hitchens. He was, of course, one of the big New Atheists at the time, and I really liked him, just thought he was so clever and so smart, and so he had a book coming out around that time called God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything, and so I remember getting that book and thinking, like, ‘This is going to be the key. This book is going to really codify this belief system for me, and I’m going to be able to indisputably shut down anyone that I encounter.’ And I remember lying on my bed in my apartment reading it, and I read about half of it, and I just had this cold, hollow, empty feeling, and I distinctly remember throwing the book down on the floor, and eventually it got kicked under my bed, but I just felt like, ‘If this is the truth, why does it feel so bad? Why does it feel so empty? Why does it feel like it’s siphoning all the mystery and magic out of the world?’ Because there was this very hard certainty in his writing and in the New Atheist writing, and it just made me feel so cold and bereft and hollow and empty. And that was really a cracking point for me, thinking, ‘I don’t know if I can abide in this worldview.’11

At the time, Ashley was open to ‘anything but Jesus’ and began pursuing psychedelics as a source of transcendent discovery, eventually pursuing the ultimate source of satisfaction in God. After many years as an atheist, Matthew became dissatisfied with his own life and willing to consider ‘anything but atheism,’ even the possibility of God. He recalled his state of mind, I was miserable, and I thought, ‘I really don’t want to live like this.’ If there was any meaning to life, I was willing to look into it. I prayed, “God, if you are there, show me. I don’t think that you’re there,” but I guess I just got sick of just purposelessness and pointlessness of life. If there is just no purpose to life, then you can do whatever you want, and it feels good for a while, but it is ultimately unsatisfying. And, no matter what you try and what you go to, and that is what I saw as well, I could be rich and have tons of money, but it is still going to be meaningless. I could party and do a bunch of drugs or all kinds of other things to experience pleasure but at the end of the day, it doesn’t amount to anything. So, I don’t know why, I was more introspective than a lot of kids. And then there were a few kids in my high school who either had a car accident and died, or there was this one kid who committed suicide. It was about that time when I started thinking about death, and if there is something out there beyond this life then I better know about it. I really don’t think that there is. I would say I almost wanted there to be something at that time just to make sense of it all, but I was very, very skeptical that it could even be possible, or even be there, that there was anything to it. There was a point where I wanted it to be true, but I was skeptical that it could be true. I guess I wanted to give it a shot and so I thought, ‘Well, if there’s something out there, show me.’ I was becoming more and more open to Christianity.

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Matthew also understood the unavoidable logical outcomes of naturalism, finding it to be an unlivable worldview, motivating him to search for something more: I took the logical conclusions of atheism seriously. If it is true, there is no meaning in life, there is no objective morality, there is none of that kind of stuff . . . it seemed like my parents were miserable, my friends were overall kind of miserable. “There is no such thing as a happy, consistent nihilist.” And that was very much my life. I was trying to be consistent saying “Well, it is what it is,” but then it also steals all of your hope and all of your joy. Beauty then becomes meaningless. Fulfillment becomes just an illusion. But I began to then realize that the option of atheism held nothing. It was meaningless. I was miserable, and I thought, ‘Well, I don’t want to live like this.’ If there was any meaning to life, I was willing to look into it.

In the military, Joseph began to reflect on life’s questions after a season of hedonistic living, I joined the Army when I was 17. Basically, I got into army lifestyle which was work hard, play hard. Doing that for about 18 months, it got kind of boring, just going out with your friends all the time drinking. I got sick of it. I got sick of the hangovers to be honest. At that point I began to wonder if there was more to life than simply hedonistic pursuits. That did resonate. And that’s when I began to think a little bit more about ‘What is the purpose of life? What is the meaning of life? What is my place in the world? What am I going to do with myself?’ It was at that point when I began to think more about meaning more cosmically, and to a degree more theologically, and also about what that meant for me and my life and my life choices. But it probably wasn’t until that point when I was probably around 19 or so that I began to reflect on those deep questions.

Nicholas’s sobered recognition of nihilism as an end point of atheism caused him to seek after something more. He recollected the sobering moment that turned his search towards Christianity: “And that is where it really hit me, because I think Nietzsche is spot on if you do take atheism to its logical conclusion. Then there is no such thing as morals anymore. There is no such thing as right or wrong. A purposeful life, it doesn’t mean anything. It was something that I soberly recognized and marched on. But that is what caused me to go to my uncle who has a PhD in theology from Oxford University. I basically asked him, “I’ve got to know actual, historical, objective evidence for Christianity.” As an atheist, Greg considered himself too intelligent to believe in God, yet he was left with deep personal dissatisfaction and emptiness after years of self-seeking pleasure. After enjoying the ‘moral blank check’ atheism offered for several years, he desired more in his life. This longing led him to become open to perspectives other than atheism. He recalled,



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Prior to my actual conversion, it was a combination of being around Christians, getting older into your 30s and realizing, starting to perceive your mortality a little bit more. You’re getting older and you are realizing the fear of nothingness, of emptiness, of meaninglessness was a huge driver. It was just thinking, ‘Why go through the struggle, the grind, the meaninglessness of toiling away, of working so hard to achieve things that will just vanish anyway? You are going to die.’ It felt like building a sandcastle along the beach at low tide knowing that the tide is going to come in and wipe it out. That was a huge driver, the search for meaning and it really made me a lot more open to listen. I had to ask myself. Am I’m willing to consider another point of view in that mine has nothing to offer? I didn’t delight in the intellectual superiority of atheism anymore. Reflecting on the futility of life as an atheist was something that laid the groundwork for me to investigate something else.

This disruptive existential catalyst allowed him to become willing to investigate the possibility of God, especially when he had long seen the example of his Christian wife and her kind Christian family who all seemed deeply satisfied in life. Encountering Christians who live a qualitatively different life from their own sometimes can and does provide a disruptive embodied witness showing them what life could look like. As a teenager, Jason enjoyed the autonomy of self-centered, hedonistic living given through atheism: “When you think about it from an ultimate nihilism point of view, no. But from an ‘eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we die’ mindset, absolutely because it was very much a ‘this life is all you get’ so do what you can with it to enjoy yourself. And that was the culture that I was in as well. It was very much that type of hedonism and that seemed to be the driving motivation.” As an adult, Jason’s existential emptiness opened him towards searching for something more: “I started reading and thinking about God a little bit more, the recognition that even as I am meeting what should qualify as happy in the world, it is not satisfying.” He became open to attending church with his wife and saw others, along with a work colleague, who embodied a contented, joy-filled life. At that point he realized that Christianity “is not about not being able to do the things that you want to do in life, it is about living a life and having joy and satisfaction and fulfillment.” His intellectual questions remained yet to be answered, but his existential longing met with authentic Christians and caused him to become open towards an intellectual pursuit of truth. Clearly, the desire for more in life was the driving impetus for some former atheists to become open towards searching beyond naturalism. According to their own self-assessment, approximately one of every four former atheists in this research (22–28%) was motivated by existential search for greater meaning and purpose in life and/or to find answers outside of atheism to resolve existential tensions. Search for emotional fulfillment led half of the

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respondents (50%) towards Christianity. When asked to recall any appealing aspects of Christianity (as atheists) one-third acknowledged Christianity’s offerings of personal purpose and value (38%); joy, peace, hope, and security (36%); assurance of life after death (34%); and contentment/satisfaction in life (28%). James stated, “I was miserable and I knew it. The peace Christianity offered was appealing.” We all want to make sense of our lives. If not connected to a transcendent source, meaning itself and its quest becomes meaningless. Human dignity and value become worth only what is determined through self or through power. Free will becomes an illusion, as does objective right, wrong, virtue, and love along with objective purpose for living. If you lose God, you lose yourself. The deep ache of emptiness, the search for personal meaning, value, and purpose is a human quest which can break down barriers and open the door towards pursuing that which forms and informs the deepest parts of ourselves. Disruptive Existential Longing Catalysts can and do soften the once stalwart barriers against God, especially for those who are thoughtful, honest, and introspective to realize their own deep desires to be known, loved, valued, and purposed. As C.S. Lewis suggested, perhaps their desires are pointers of a reality that can be met in a transcendent source beyond the reductionistic flatness and emptiness of naturalism.12 NOTES 1. (Q16): Convinced of atheism at the Atheist Stage: ‘Uncertain’ rating 0–1 (1/50; 2%; rating 2 (2/50; 4%); rating 3 (10/50; 20%); rating 4 (22/50; 44%); and, ‘Highly certain’ (14/50; 28%). 2. Emotionally, 22% desired the meaningful, contented lives of Christians; morally, 12% appreciated the moral integrity of Christians; and socially, 13.73% enjoyed close relationships with Christians. 3. As a comparison, half (50%) reported no active seeking was involved in formulation of their atheistic worldview or identity. 4. (Rambo 1993) Rambo describes crisis catalysts as including mystical experiences, near-death experiences, severe illness and/or recovery, general dissatisfaction with life, desire for transcendence, satisfaction and greater meaning in life, stability in a chaotic world, search to resolve psycho-emotional problems, or external crisis events. 5. For more on the dichotomy of upper story/lower story epistemological divide, see the work of Francis Schaeffer and Nancy Pearcey. 6. (Greil 1977). 7. (Camus 1942). 8. (Heirich, Change of Heart: A Test of Some Widely Held Theories about Religious Conversion, 1977), 675.



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9. (Richardson 1977). 10. (Guinness 2022). 11. Ashley Lande, Side B Stories podcast, episode 21, August 6, 2021: https:​//​ sidebstories​.com​/podcast​/from​-nihilism​-psychedelics​-to​-faith​-ashley​-landes​-story​/. Her inclusion in this book was not a part of the original research with fifty former atheists, but an addendum. 12. (Lewis 1952), Bk III, Chapter 10, “Hope.” C.S. Lewis: “Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for these desires exists. A baby feels hunger; well, there is such a thing as food. A duckling wants to swim; well, there is such a thing as water. Men feel sexual desire; well, there is such a thing as sex. If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.” Peter Kreeft on the Argument from Desire: Premise 1: Every natural, innate desire in us corresponds to some real object that can satisfy that desire. Premise 2: But there exists in us a desire which nothing in time, nothing on earth, no creature can satisfy. Conclusion: Therefore there must exist something more than time, earth and creatures, which can satisfy this desire.

Chapter Six

‌‌‌‌‌Catalysts Towards Change Disruptive Experiences

In this chapter, we will continue to explore one of the most fascinating questions in this research. That is, what was it that caused a resolved atheist to turn in the direction of God after years of resistance? In addition to the intellectual and existential catalysts discussed in the last chapter, here we will discuss three remaining catalysts that surfaced through the conversion stories of fifty former atheists. These disruptors entered into their lives in the form of an experiential crisis, through a normal non-crisis change of social circumstance and/or relationship, or finally through a surprising supernatural encounter. These unexpected experiential catalysts turned former atheists towards reconsidering their own lives and perspectives. BLINDSIDED—THE EXPERIENTIAL CRISIS CATALYST Crisis events in our lives are unsettling, often causing us to reevaluate our priorities, relationships, and decisions. If normal routines are disrupted, prior irrelevant issues can rise to the surface as pressing matters of first importance. Lives can become turned upside down when confronted with new challenges and dilemmas. An Experiential Crisis Catalyst typically occurs in the face of an unforeseen personal dilemma or tragedy. Someone’s life is interrupted by an unexpected negative experience and the status quo of normal ways of thinking and living no longer seem adequate to the crisis at hand. Among former atheists in this research, unimagined personal challenges such as an illness or death produced a humbling openness that was unthinkable up until that point. They became willing to take another look at the possibility of God. As one former atheist recalled, “I was not interested until a crisis came in my life and I was at least willing to listen.” Of course, crises can push someone in the opposite direction towards or reinforcing atheism, elevating 95

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their hatred or hubris against God. However, crises can also serve as the silencing catalyst that softens a hardened heart. Paul’s story shows how crisis events can be impactful both away from and towards God. As a young adult, he never gave God much thought until he found himself in a hospital deeply concerned about his father. He remembers the moment he rejected God: “My father passed away when I was 18. The first and only thing I ever prayed for was when I found out he had a heart attack and my aunt said, ‘We need to pray for your father.’ And I got on my knees, and I prayed my heart out, ‘Dear God, please don’t let my dad die.’ Three days later we unplugged him and he died.” Paul’s unanswered prayer catapulted him into a vitriolic anti-theism. He recounts his resulting hatred towards God: I was angry at God because I didn’t get what I wanted. And I basically went on the war path, and I went from not knowing to being absolutely certain that there was no God, and I was bound and determined to prove it to everybody that I met. I was very self-righteous and thought I knew everything. I was very arrogant. I would look at it as weakness, a crutch. I once went into the bookstore in my town and took all the Bibles and put them in the Christian fiction section. A girl that I worked with shared the gospel with me one time and I looked her in the eye and said “f*!# you and f*!# your God.” I was not wishy-washy in what I believed. I was definitely the worst person that you can pray to share the gospel with. I was him.

Five years later, Paul became depressed after he experienced two episodes of unexplained visual loss and recovery, causing him to lose his job. This disruptive crisis also undermined his trust in science and medicine as the ultimate explainers. Humbled by his recurring problem, he became more open, more willing to receive counsel from his mother who told him of another man who was humbled by an episode of sudden blindness. Paul describes this decisive moment of change: My mom, she was never a great spiritual leader or anything like that, came over to my apartment one day to talk with me about this, what it could be and all of that. And she said, “Have you ever read the story of Saul on the road to Damascus in Acts?” I said, “No. What’s that?” She said, “Well, Saul was a very arrogant and proud man. He was a persecutor of Christians. He was on his way to kill more Christians and God blinds him and knocks him off his horse. Saul was utterly dependent on God for everything at that point because he cannot see. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do.” It wasn’t very articulate, and it wasn’t very moving, but it was very profound. I kept a ‘tough guy’ front up like I wasn’t affected. But as soon as she left, I dug a Bible out somewhere and read that story and was very moved by it, but I didn’t pray or anything like that.



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By the next weekend, Paul was reluctantly willing to go to church at the invitation of his aunt. It was there that he began to welcome the message of God for the first time. Josh’s disdain for religious belief and believers was clear due to encountering Christian intolerance and hypocrisy, compounded by the writings of the New Atheists and others. He remained a stalwart atheist until he was “pushed over the edge” due to unexpected marital infidelity and divorce. At 27 years old, this devastation revealed a deep personal insight and opened a previously closed door to God. In his words, “It totally completely shell-shocked me and rocked me to my core and caused me to question an awful lot of things. That experience that was the driver behind me coming to faith. The betrayal that I went through and getting my life overturned showed me that I had a need that needed fulfilling that wasn’t going to get met through any human being.” After this sobering experience, Josh met a Christian woman who surprisingly countered the negative stereotypes of Christians, reopened him to the possibility of God and Christianity. She then introduced him to a man who was able to answer his questions and objections, including issues of Christian hypocrisy, biblical reliability, and intellectual grounding. By that time, he was ready to listen. In some crisis situations it is not the crisis itself that becomes the catalyst, but rather what is experienced in circumstances surrounding the crisis that opens someone towards God. This is particularly the case when someone experiences the unexpected love and care from Christians. The skeptic’s preconceived low expectation of Christians is countered with an unsettling, disarming, positive experience of love. In other words, the negative crisis experience pushes someone away from God, but the subsequent positive experience of Christian love softens their resistance. One-quarter of former atheists in this study (24%) encountered positive interaction, specifically ‘the personal care and concern from a Christian’ as attracting them towards Christianity, fostering an emotional openness towards God. One of the most common reasons atheists give for disbelief is the problem of evil and suffering in the world and in their own lives. If someone’s atheism is grounded in emotional anger or pain, encountering the disruptive, unexpected love and care from a Christian may allow them to reconsider their view of God. This was the case for Gary who first rejected God as a child in part because of the emotional and physical abuse of his father and the sexual abuse of a neighbor. He became “a very tough kid who did not engage” because “there was an intensity underneath that I didn’t know how to sort out.” As a teen, wrestling helped him expend and control his underlying feelings of pain and outward show of aggression. During one match, his competitive impulse landed him powerless on the mat with his neck broken in four places. This crisis did not immediately soften Gary towards openness.

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Rather this tragic accident hardened him against God even more. He then quickly explained what opened him towards the possibility of belief: Here’s where my conversion starts and it’s not like I have one moment. I have a three-year period of people showing up so that it’s undeniable. My first morning in the hospital, I got up at five o’clock. This nurse, Donna, woke me up and said, “Would you mind if I prayed for you?” And I said, “I don’t want you to do that. I don’t believe in God.” And she grabs my hand and starts praying for me in a very, very kind way. It wasn’t like, ‘Shut your mouth while I pray.’ She just smiled and took my hand and then she bowed her head and started praying. I was looking at her and it was a sweet prayer. She was a sweet, sweet person. Then, she finishes her prayer and asked, “Do you mind if I read you the Bible?” I said, “I told you, I don’t believe in God. I don’t believe in the Bible.” And she said, “That’s okay.” She read to me every morning. She thought I was going to die so shared Christ and was kind and encouraging. I was really touched, and I didn’t know why. I was having this ambivalent feeling of, ‘I really like her, but I don’t want her to do this. It is not what I believe.’ But she wasn’t forcing herself on me and or making me feel uncomfortable. I thought, ‘There’s something good about her.’

Three days later his aunt and uncle unexpectedly visited him in the hospital with a Bible in hand. Gary recounts, “They said, ‘We just became Christians a few months ago. We’ve accepted Christ as our Savior and we brought you a Bible,’ and they had highlighted a verse. I opened the Bible and said, ‘That’s weird. My nurse just read that verse to me a couple of days ago.’ That’s when I thought, ‘There’s something going on.’ So that night, I said this crude prayer by myself, this ‘if you’re out there’ kind of prayer.” These suprising encounters surrounding his crisis were the catalysts moving Gary’s heart from completely closed off to open, at least enough to pray. Over the following months he experienced Christians who genuinely invested in him, loved him, and set him on a path to find the unconditional love of a Father that was absent in his earthly dad. A disruptive Experiential Crisis Catalyst can also awaken those who are seemingly apathetic about the question of God such as those who are ‘happy atheists’ who have no apparent need for God in their lives. Success in life came easily for Tom. God was “an unnecessary hypothesis” in his view. When asked to describe his life as an atheist, he used one word—“smug.” His limited childhood faith, or lack of it, was primarily informed by his father’s dislike for religion and religious people. He recalled, “My dad was the major force behind that. He taught us that God is something that is made up. Weaker people need that kind of thing, but we don’t need that. Our family is strong, and we don’t need that kind of made-up person. My brother and I hated church. After fourth or fifth grade, I set foot in church maybe two or three



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times before going to college or through college.” Two years after graduating from university, Tom married his girlfriend. In their wedding ceremony, they removed every reference to God out of their vows because “it wasn’t important to her or to me.” After the sudden loss of his premature twins one year later, the importance of spiritual reality came into the fore when his wife began to search for God, believing there must have been a reason for their babies’ deaths. Through this disruptive crisis, he, too, recognized, “If you are an atheist, there is no reason.” Spurred on by his wife’s pursuit, Tom began a quest of his own, saying, “Her peace helped me with the grieving. It put a hunger in my heart to find out what the truth is.” They began to go to church, read the Bible, and study apologetics writings, including Mere Christianity, a book ironically given to him by his atheist sister a few years prior. Stunned by what he found in his search, Tom’s pride melted into humility and surrender. As mentioned in the last chapter, a commonality among religious conversion model(s) is that some form of crisis facilitates openness towards change and pursuit towards a new religious perspective.1 Crises range in severity from subtle to dramatic and serve as precipitating cause (or interactive, complex, cumulative cause) for an individual to question fundamental orientation to life. When a felt discrepancy exists between an individual’s perception of the world and the sobered state of reality, an intellectual and/or existential crisis can create a sense of disorientation in life. This dissonance mobilizes a person towards resolving the conflict.2 In this research, (16–18%) reported crisis experiences as catalytic towards conversion. Similarly, ‘illness, death, or personal trauma’ reportedly contributed for one-fourth (26%) and ‘divorce or relationship breakup’ contributed for six respondents (12%). Prolonged negative life experiences led approximately one-fourth (24%) towards Christianity. These findings agree that a life crisis can be a trigger towards conversion for some but is not essential as some models suggest. Others became open due to more normal change in life situations and relationships. GETTING TO KNOW YOU— THE SOCIAL RELATIONAL CATALYST According to the former atheists in this research, not everyone becomes open to God and Christianity on the back of a crisis. In fact, many move towards genuine interest and questioning during normal circumstances, in non-crisis situations. A consistent catalytic thread reported among former atheists was the sense of surprise when meeting a genuine Christian, perhaps for the first time. Due to limited exposure or negative expectations, disruptive social encounters with a believer potentially cause someone to reconsider their own

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or another’s worldview more seriously, perhaps for the first time. The Social Relational Catalyst occurs when someone’s preconceived presumptions about God, Christians, or Christianity are countered in an attractive, embodied way. Typically, an atheist meets a Christian who disarms or diffuses their negative stereotypes. Reductionistic caricatures of religious belief and believers are broken down and the plausibility of Christianity and Christians are built up, fostering a startling openness that was not present before. They may be pleasantly surprised by when they met a normal, loving, intelligent Christian who lived out and/or thought through their beliefs in a significant way—not in the way they expected. This non-crisis catalyst may also occur with change of location and circumstance, exposing non-believers to novel beliefs and perspectives. Once the social exposure or interaction occurs and the atheist and Christians’ lives intersect, the status quo is disrupted, providing surprisingly positive exposure and a closer look. Jennifer’s story demonstrates her shift in perspective when she first encountered intelligent, authentic Christians. Prior to college, she perceived Christians in a negative light, as “quirky” and “hypocritical.” At Oxford University, her direct social encountering of Christians changed her perceptions through their intellectual rigor as well as their ‘living out’ of the Christian gospel through their attitudes, words, actions, and love. Both intellectual and personal experiences worked together towards producing a change in her willingness to take a second look. When asked as to how meeting these Christians changed her perspective, Jennifer recalled, It was a combination of both head and heart. Yes, it was meeting ‘thinking’ Christians who were able to some degree were able to answer my questions (although I don’t think every question is answerable), but who were also respectful, who treated me with dignity, who asked me questions. I also saw other Christians and was beginning to know how they acted and treated people. In many ways they were living out the gospel. I just didn’t know what that was yet. And it wasn’t like they were these cheesy people either or unbelievably good or whatever. They were funny and down to earth and made mistakes or whatever too, but I saw this difference. One thing that spoke to me was hospitality for instance. Christians who would have me for dinner or have me to their home or open their place for me to be restored. And, okay, you could say non-Christians do that too. Of course, they do as well. But there was this gentleness and servitude and this intuitiveness and there were also many ways in which they engaged me. It was just so foreign to me, that kind of radical, ironically non-judgmental love.

Jennifer became an articulate advocate for Christianity and dedicated her life to being an available, generous, embodied representative of Christ, just as she had experienced.



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Other former atheists in this research began reconsidering their own worldview when someone they already knew became a Christian. When common beliefs are shared in or among a group of people, they are often presumed and unquestioned. But when a friend, spouse, or family member adopts another point of view it can become unsettling, causing someone to examine their own or the other’s views more closely. As an atheist, John became angry and upset when his girlfriend suddenly became a Christian and asked him to consider Christianity. This disturbing catalyst caused him to unexpectedly consider Christianity, a belief system he had long dismissed due to his belief in naturalism. Although angry with her decision towards belief, John met with his girlfriend’s Christian friends to see what it was all about and was immediately disarmed by their genuine warmth, love, and kindness. This initial encounter allowed his “walls to come down” towards the possibility of God. He recounts this experience, I had been with my girlfriend for about three years when one day she walks in and says, “What do you think about Jesus?” And, I had never thought a thing about Jesus. Why would I think about Jesus? So, 2–3 days later we split up and then that’s when I just became angry. Then she called me after about 2–3 weeks and the Christians wanted to meet me. I was going along to beat them up or something. I was pretty ticked off. Who were these people bursting into her life and messing with mine? So, I met Christians for the first time and they shared for hours. I came in, I was smart mouthing at first that God was a bit of a non-entity in my mind. The wife, she was obviously an evangelist, and they were smart, young, modern couple but had this feeling of innocence. That was where I went from being absolutely sure that there wasn’t a God to there might be, and as time went as I listened more, I began to hear more and receive. The walls fell in that sense.

After a careful investigation, John became convinced of the truth of Christianity and has spent his life proclaiming and defending it, all in the manner of genuine warmth he first encountered. Raised in a culture of non-belief and moral freedom, Aaron presumed God did not exist. When his grandparents unexpectedly became Christians, they often talked with him about their new faith. Their disruptive witness triggered in him a personal inner challenge to investigate and disprove Christianity. He recalls, I had not met a Christian until I was 18 or 19 when my grandparents became Christians. They would just talk about Jesus and church and things they were doing. And, I would just be angry. I just thought they were mental if I’m honest. I honestly thought they were mad. I thought they were taken in by a cult and they were just crazy. Leaving that aside, I just wanted to start examining

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things. I just wanted to see, maybe in some ways to demonstrate to them how stupid they were from a more informed point of view. I thought, well, maybe I’ll spend a little time looking into it. And, I had no vested interest . . . well, I had a vested interest trying to disprove it as silly. But, I still thought I had no need for God. It wasn’t like I was searching for it to be true. I didn’t want it to be true, if that makes sense.  That was pivotal having family members that had become Christians. It was the thing that led me to investigate it. And, I would’ve 100% not done that if I hadn’t had that encounter.

Through Aaron’s investigation, he became convinced of the truth of the Christian worldview for which he is now an active advocate. But, it all started with the disconcerting conversion and personal witness of his grandparents. Disruptive Social Relational Catalysts also occur when someone unexpectedly meets and finds themselves attracted to a Christian. If they begin to date, the inconvenient reality of faith in the life of the believer can become a reason for the atheist to look more closely at belief in God and Christianity, even if to disprove. This catalyst proved to be the impetus for Justin to begin his investigation. As an atheist, he thought that intelligent people do not believe in God, in the supernatural or the superstitious. Christianity was a religion unsupported by evidence, irreconcilable with science, and constrained a morally-free lifestyle. He had no perceived need of God. His social relational catalyst came through a serendipitous meeting with a beautiful woman who was a professing Christian. For less than altruistic motives, Justin was interested in finding out more about her “different and exotic” faith as a Protestant Evangelical who “seemed to genuinely believe it.” As Justin was raised in a secular culture, this woman was the first “gospel believing, Bible believing Christian” he had ever met. He wanted to understand her faith, not for the sake of truth, but “to destroy it” in order to pursue their relationship. He explained, “At the time, I was so ignorant of anything religious that I didn’t even know what kind of Christian she was claiming to be. I was trying to figure it out. What is it? Is she a Protestant? A non-Catholic? What does that mean? So, I was very confused as to what that even was. So, I needed to go and see.” His subsequent search changed his beliefs and life, now an academic and compelling ambassador for the truth of the Christian worldview. Former atheist Charles also encountered a Christian woman who caused him to take a serious look at belief. A brilliant thinker, Charles’s heightened respect for ‘the mental universe’ came from his family. His father was “a really good man and a brilliant scientist who believed in truth.” He said that his mother “always taught me never to believe anything on authority. Always read it for yourself. Always think for yourself. Pursue reason and truth.” As a teenager, he rejected religion as superstition, adopting his father’s atheistic perspective. At Oxford University, he “was quite scornful towards



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Christianity and closed-minded against it, prejudiced against it,” completely disinterested in religion. But his indifference changed when he became romantically involved with a girl and “found out to my horror that she was a Christian,” “appalled” at the discovery of her faith. This catalyst was the spark that ignited his intellectual search to investigate what she claimed to be true. But Charles knew he could never compromise his beliefs for her for the sake of his own intellectual integrity, telling his girlfriend, “I am not going to become a Christian just because you are a Christian because I believe you should only become a Christian if you believe that Christianity is true. It is a matter of intellectual integrity.” Then I said to her, “I will go on an intellectual journey of discovery to see whether I can find answers to my questions, ‘Does God exist?’ ‘Are miracles possible?’ ‘Was Jesus the son of God?’ ‘Did He perform these miracles?’ And so on. I will go on this journey of discovery.” His intellectual journey led him to a profound, lasting belief in God and Christianity. Beyond individual interactions, the church has also served as a disruptive Social Relational Catalyst. As a reminder, the dominant view among religious conversion researchers is the strong role which social interaction plays in the conversion process, particularly developing ‘affective ties’ with those within a religious organization. Most contend that converts must be socially connected to a religious group in order be drawn in towards conversion. Contrary to those theories, among former atheists in this research only three participants (6%) pursued Christianity to find a sense of social belonging, and five subjects (10%) reported social acceptance as a motivator towards religious conversion, and nearly half (48%) reported independent journeying prior to conversion. That is, they did not attend any religious activity or church service prior to coming to believe in God and Christianity, although they may have interacted with individual Christians outside of the church setting. However, slightly more than half (52%) began their search for answers by going to church or a religious event to explore Christianity, usually after they had first become interested in the question of God through intellectual searching or having met a Christian. Some former atheists attended church either motivated by curiosity, sincere interest, or merely as an effort to appease someone in their life. A minority (18%) attended church to satisfy a significant relationship or were invited by a friend but were not initially seeking Christianity. This introduction to Christianity served as a catalyst, disrupting their preconceived notions regarding who Christians are and what they believe. Despite their initial resistance towards the church and Christians, their negative preconceptions were diffused through personal experience. The church served as a disruptive catalyst towards opening an atheist to seriously consider the possible reality of God.

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Steven found himself slowly softened towards belief when he began attending church for the sake of his wife who was diagnosed with cancer in their first year of marriage. She turned towards a spiritual search in her crisis, began attending church, and became a Christian. For two years, Steven made it clear that he wasn’t interested in spiritual matters and never attended with her. Then one Sunday his wife fainted during the service, changing his willingness to go to church “just to keep an eye on her.” As he listened to the sermons, he gradually began to appreciate and understand more about the Bible but resisted believing Jesus as anything more than a historical figure. During this time, there were unexplainable circumstances surrounding his wife that he could not understand unless they were providential. He also began to see a change in his wife, watching her attitude shift from a general lack of appreciation in life to one of joy and thankfulness. After becoming a Christian she embodied a life of faith and beauty despite her ongoing struggle with recurrent cancer. Through the embodied witness of the church and his wife, his initial resistance gradually melted into openness towards belief. As an atheist, Todd married a Christian girl and attended church activities for the sake of his marriage. Through this experience, his negative expectations and presumptions of Christians, Christianity, and the Bible were shattered by what he observed as kind people, sincere beliefs, and sound reasons for their perspectives. These corrected misunderstandings led Todd to reconsider religion, particularly Christianity, in a more positive light and move towards openness. It was the catalyst that piqued his curiosity to know more. He recalled, I knew how hard that was for my wife to marry an atheist and the tension that created in her family. She felt pulled to get involved in a local church. We went church shopping, and I was reluctant, but I went. It was not what I expected. I was caught off guard. That was a recurring theme, being caught off guard because a lot of assumptions had been built in my mind. I was building my worldview on things that I thought were true and a lot of things became untrue when I got plugged into the local church I was in. And over time, I started saying, “This stuff is working, the logical, moral, ethical tools of right, good, healthy living. Maybe some of this other [spiritual] stuff will help.” And so those walls started to break down.

In this research, disruptive Social Relational Catalysts opened the door for former atheists to become interested in spiritual realities after meeting Christians and/or attending church through experiences which countered the atheists’ negative expectations. When Christians were found to be surprisingly intelligent, loving, or genuine, then atheists’ negative perceptions were challenged and resistance disarmed, and many found themselves attracted to



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that which they once held in contempt. This opened the possibility towards reconsideration of the authenticity of Christians and the legitimacy of Christianity, eventually leading towards conversion. MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE— THE SPIRITUAL EXPERIENTIAL CATALYST One of the most fascinating and unexpected findings in this research was the reporting of supernatural encounters as a decisive catalyst towards openness or change. Naturalism entails belief that only the natural world exists. By exclusion, a closed, material universe disallows any possibility of supernatural reality. Then a disruptive Spiritual Experiential Catalyst occurs when a person feels a palpable sense of being in the presence of an independent spiritual entity or person through a dream, vision, encounter, or through a perceived supernatural experience or circumstance. These seemingly ‘otherworldly’ spiritual happenings were unexplainable through a naturalistic lens of reality and, for the former skeptics, heightened an awareness of a realm beyond the physical. If not dismissed out of hand, these experiences disrupted their understanding of reality and opened them to new possibilities. They became willing to entertain the idea that another aspect of reality potentially existed, sparking spiritual curiosity and investigation of religion, spirituality, and the truth of Christianity. While Daniel’s first spiritual experience did not prompt him towards further searching, the second one caused him to take spirituality more seriously. He recalled, “I had a strange, mystical experience at one point when I was in my teenage years, but I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to make sense of it or to deal with it. And then the following day I was left with just thinking, ‘That was stupid. Don’t be ridiculous. You’re imagining things.’” Yet, years later a second “numinous experience” convinced him that “there was something to this” and precipitated openness. It was the catalyst that caused him to look more closely at the reality of the spiritual world. He said, “From there I started asking questions and was open to the possibility for the first time.” For another skeptic, supernatural experiences were impossible because the supernatural world did not exist. On a quest to disprove Christianity, Justin visited a church to explore what it was all about. After the service, he encountered an unexpected spiritual experience which prompted him to begin honestly searching for truth. He recounts, I took my bag, jumped on my feet and walked all the way back to the back of the church to escape. I opened the door, had one foot out of the door, and this big blast in my stomach just grabbed me by the throat and I froze. It is hard for

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me to say it without choking up because this is huge. I didn’t associate, ‘Oh this is God grabbing me by the throat,’ although that might be an obvious conclusion for a Christian. At the time, my feet just froze there, and I heard myself saying, “Look, this is ridiculous. What am I doing here? If I came, I need to know, so let’s know.” I turned around, walked straight to the pastor, introduced myself and asked him, “So, you believe in God?” He said, “Yes, we can talk about it.” We went to his office and started talking.

What stopped Justin in his tracks propelled him towards a genuine quest towards God. Still others experienced dreams that caused them to change their mind and pursue belief. These dreams and encounters occur even when someone doesn’t appear to be open towards God or Christianity. Amy reported two “terrifying” dreams that served as catalysts towards her rethinking atheism. She recalled, “I had dreams where I was being told that if I were to follow God or if I believed in God, then I would die. And then I had another nightmare where I was struggling with God. It was very frightening because I’m usually one of these people who don’t remember their dreams, but they were terrifying. I started to question my view of the world. I started to go, ‘Wow, there may be something else beyond the material and physical world.’ It actually drove me towards understanding that there was probably a spiritual realm.” A university professor and atheist, Cheryl enjoyed her freedom and wanted nothing to do with a morally demanding God. However, a sobering, palpable experience with Jesus in a vivid dream was the catalyst that immediately changed her life. Suddenly and utterly convinced of his reality, she set out on a journey to find the Jesus she had encountered. Cheryl recounted her dream and response in detail: I am in a long line of people dressed in gray robes and looking very depressed. We are suspended in a dark night sky, and we are moving very slowly forward, and no one is stepping out of line, turning to another, or speaking. We are single file, silent, and except for stepping slowly forward, the people are hardly moving, zombie-like. I am curious to see the extent of the line, so I break out of line a bit by leaning to my left to see where the line begins, and I see that it only snakes around and disappears and then I lean to my right and look behind me to see the end. The line is endless in both directions. As we move forward, I noticed we are about to pass by something on our right. There is light coming from it and the scene is in color though those of us in the line are not. As I approach, I see that it is the scene of the Last Supper from Leonardo Da Vinci, but it is live and the disciples are eating together, but Jesus is not at the table with them. He is standing ahead of me greeting each of us in the line. When I get up to him and he looks at me, I suddenly have an awareness of every cell in my body and that every cell in my body is filled with filth. I can no longer look



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at him and I fall at his feet and begin to weep. Then, Jesus reaches over and grabs my shoulders with his hand, and I feel what can only be the “peace that surpasses understanding.” It was a dream that wasn’t like most dreams. Most dreams are sort of piecemeal, but it was vivid, it had color. I remembered every single detail, every feeling. It didn’t have any missing places or anything. And of course, Christ was in it. Even though it was a spiritual dream, it was a Christian dream. I just knew it was a big dream and I thought I should do something with it, but I didn’t know what. God used a dream with me because I wouldn’t listen to anyone. There was no other way to reach me.

Providential circumstances were also counted among former atheists as catalysts turning them in the direction of God. Too uncanny to be reduced to mere coincidence, these unlikely states of affairs were attributed to the perceived personal action of God, typically in response to prayer. Desperate to leave his life of drugs, former atheist David prayed to God for help and immediately encountered a highly unusual series of events. His answered prayer was the catalyst that immediately convinced him that God existed after all: I had been kicked out of the house by my mom because I was so reckless. About 3 o’clock in the morning I called my sister up one night and I explained where I was, and I said, “I need to come home.” She said, “It’s 3 o’clock in the morning right now. Go back to sleep. I’ll call mom in the morning, and we’ll get you out of there one way or another.” When I got off the phone, I did not believe in God, but I actually said a prayer. I said, “God, if you are real, I need your help. I need out of this.” My sister called me right before 8 o’clock in the morning and said, “I just got off the phone with mom. You can come home. We don’t know how we are going to get you home, but we are going to make it happen. You hold on.” I no sooner hung up the phone and the phone rang again. It was my cousin who happened to be driving to [the city where I was] for three days and wanted to see me. I thought, ‘Oh my God! God is real!’ It blew me away.

This experience changed David’s willingness to consider the reality of a personal God who sees and knows him, who is worth being known. It set him on a path towards belief. While disruptive Spiritual Experiential Catalysts open the door to possible movement beyond atheism, they typically serve only as the beginning of a process towards conversion. In some cases, however, a spiritual experience can and does prompt a sudden conversion, but that is more the exception than the rule. Participants in this research reported these experiences at all stages, either causing openness and searching towards God, prompting religious conversion, or validating the reality of God following conversion. At the Catalyst Stage, eight subjects (16%) began questing in response to a religious/mystical experience or to a spiritual dream or vision. Of course, spiritual experiences

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are by nature individual and subjective. They are profound and convincing to those who experience them but are transient and often unconvincing to others. In fact, those who experienced ‘other-worldly’ numinous encounters reported hesitance to speak of them, particularly as an apologetic to other atheists. They feared the experience would not be deemed credible, negatively contributing to the perceived superstitious nature of religious belief. Self-reflecting on the potentially negative value of talking to non-believers about his religious experience, Todd stated, “I know how I would have received it, so I hesitate telling it too soon at the wrong time without a relationship between me and the receiver without a lot of other things. I am very delicate with the story because it would have been a wall if I had heard a story like that prior to becoming a Christian. It would not have been a help. It would have been a wall.” Interestingly, two former atheists expressed the need to ground their spiritual experience beyond its transience even if personally profoundly convincing. They needed some rational justification or intellectual framework into which to understand their supernatural encounter and actively sought physical explanations. Following his spiritual experience, Todd pursued neurological testing, remarking, “I got a physical with all of the electrodes on you. I am still an analyst of sorts.” When nothing was found on examination, it confirmed for him the extraordinary nature of his experience. DISRUPTIVE CATALYSTS— DOOR OPENERS TOWARDS GOD Within this research, the majority of former atheists held a strong resistance to belief in God and Christianity, lacking any desire towards change. However, against expectation, most reached a point at which they moved from ‘closed’ towards an ‘open’ posturing towards God due to a disruptive catalyst. At the Catalyst Stage, converts’ interest began to open towards the real possibility of spiritual reality, God, and Christianity. Their stories demonstrated an increased awareness of personal condition (intellectually, experientially, emotionally, existentially, spiritually) brought to the surface through changing or eventful circumstances. Conflict in atheism’s implicit and explicit beliefs caused cognitive and emotional dissonance for some and prompted reconsideration of and dissatisfaction with atheism. For others, the disdain for God and Christianity propelled them towards active refutation and disproval. Former atheists moved towards conversion through positive or negative motivations, ‘God-orchestrated’ reasons, or through surprising, favorable encounters with Christians and Christianity. For many in this study, changes in context and community, life experience, satisfaction, perspective, and/or relationships prompted an open yet cautious skepticism towards



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religious belief. Importantly, from a sui generis perspective, if God exists and reveals Himself to those whom He created, God Himself can and does move in their hearts, minds, and lives towards openness and knowledge of who He is and what truth and reality are. Through surveyed responses, the catalysts which prompted these former atheists towards openness are as follows:

Figure 6.1. 2019 Harmon—Former Atheists’ Disruptive Catalysts—Catalyst Stage (N = 50)

These survey findings upheld the literature consensus declaring functional motives as prevalent in the early part of the conversion process. Intellectual pursuit towards disproving or honestly investigating issues of God, religion, and the Christian worldview was also a door opener for some. In-depth interviews demonstrated stronger solely functional motives (71%) as compared

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to surveys (33%) as catalysts. Patterns of religious conversion, as developed through interview narratives, yielded ‘Function Catalyst’ patterns (86.0%) as dominant over ‘Substance Catalyst’ patterns (16.0%). Those subjects who reported ‘Substance Only’ catalysts shared a comparable minor role in both survey (10%) and interviews (8%). When both Function (social, experiential, and existential) and Substance (intellectual and spiritual experiential) catalysts were combined, the percentage of functional involvement remained strong in both survey and interviews (82% and 89%, respectively).  ‌‌As observed in their individual conversion narratives along with survey data, the key component in effecting these atheists’ willingness to look in a direction away from atheism towards God were functionally-driven motivations. These results are important to consider because they point to the need to appreciate the greater influence of more personal and experiential motivators along with intellectual sense-making as vital in producing change towards openness. This finding may be surprising in light of this resistant, intellectually-driven population who held fast to non-belief for rational, scientific reasons. Nevertheless, these former atheists seemed to become predominantly softened through a variety of disruptive catalysts which made the possibility of God seem attractive, good, or relevant to their lives. However, movement towards spiritual openness, change, and belief does not ensure active questing, eventual belief, or conversion will occur. Again, an initial change or challenge is often the beginning of turning towards resolution of an existing or underlying conflict. This destabilizing period causes the atheist to reevaluate their own story, to seek clarifying and satisfying answers, to consider new ways of thinking and living within another story, within this context, Christianity. It is to the next stage of questing towards truth to which we will now turn. NOTES 1. (Lofland and Stark 1965) (Rambo 1993) (Gooren 2010). 2. (Rambo and Bauman, Psychology of Conversion and Spiritual Transformation, 2012).

Chapter Seven

‌‌‌‌‌Questing Towards Belief Seeking After Truth

BECOMING OPEN TO BELIEF VERSUS BELIEVING IN GOD—DIFFERENT SIDES OF THE SAME COIN It is important to recognize that becoming willing to consider belief and coming to believe in God are different phenomena. The reasons atheists first become open to the possibility of God (catalyst) may or may not be the same as motivations for the search (quest), concluding that God exists and Christianity is objectively true (intellectual assent), or finally that Jesus Christ is worthy of belief and trust (conversion). While personal benefit or positive experience may explain why someone becomes open to religious belief and prompt a search towards religious belief, benefit alone is not enough to motivate ‘thick’ forms of conversion (understood as more than superficial group affiliation), at least for the former atheists in this research. The catalyst, quest, belief, and trust phases may all be part of a process towards conversion, but may be animated by different purposes. Social scientists and other skeptics have long asserted that social or emotional motivations are the sole reasons why someone converts to a new religious belief, but those in this study painted a different picture. Atheists are not going to believe in God merely because it is something they desire, although that may be part of it. For someone to change their view of reality to a nearly opposite perspective on thinking and living typically demands more compelling reasons. This clarification is necessary because the initial motivations to search outside of a worldview, in this case atheism, are often wrongfully conflated as reasons for conversion. What results is a reduction or misunderstanding of why someone finally comes to a decision to move from disbelief to belief. Generally, someone becomes persuaded through a combination of reasons over a period of time, including intellectual sense-making and rational grounding (it is true), spiritual encountering (it is real), and personal 111

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sense-making (it is relevant and good). In most cases, the bottom line is that they would not have converted unless they were convinced God was real and Christianity was objectively true, not merely subjectively preferable. The cost was too high. Our focus now turns towards better understanding of how and why former atheists decided to actively search towards the reality of God and the truth of Christianity (quest) and came to the decision that it was worth their belief and commitment (conversion). Chapter 7 follows their intellectual quest towards truth; Chapter 8 highlights spiritual and existential components in the conversion process; and Chapter 9 reinforces the integrated, complex nature of conversion. QUESTING BEYOND NATURALISM— PERSONAL BENEFIT IS NOT ENOUGH At times someone honestly wants to know the answers to their questions. At other times, comfortable and protective of their lives and views, they do not. But once someone turns in the direction of honest seeking after truth out of genuine interest at any cost, they become willing to follow the evidence wherever it leads. This open willingness softens their preconceived barriers, neutralizes the territory, and allows them to see evidence that was once hidden by preconceived categorical walls once obstructing their view. It allows them to take a fresh or serious look at what they had previously dismissed. For the typical atheist, belief in rational, evidenced-based, objective truth is important. Conversion for personal benefit was not enough to leave naturalism and embrace religion. In order to seriously consider any competing narrative, such as a biblical worldview, it would have to be substantial and compelling. Once those in this study became open to consider another perspective, they began to quest towards finding answers to unresolved or presenting problems. This period of searching became a critical part of the journey before accepting the claims of Christianity and the person of Christ through conversion. Beyond the catalyst stage, ‘quest’ is the period of time whereby the former atheist actively asked questions of their own or other worldviews and sought towards learning and understanding what was true and worthy of belief. Next, conversion is the period of time (momentary—prolonged phase) whereby an individual reaches a point of belief, surrender, and personal life commitment to the reality of God within the context of Christianity. Conversion researcher Heirich defined conversion as accepting a belief system and behaviors strongly at odds with one’s previous cognitive structure and actions or returning to the same worldview to a set of beliefs and commitments against which one has been strongly in rebellion. It typically requires a radical reorientation towards life, a major examination of the claims of root reality, and a



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subsequent challenge of accepting new beliefs.1 In his view, psychological, social, or emotional factors are inadequate explanations to explain a convert’s shift in their most basic assumptions. His research confirmed that social influences showed “the route of the religious seeker,” but were not enough to explain why someone is fully motivated towards conversion. This research agrees with Heirich’s perspective, that thick forms of conversion require a tremendous paradigm shift in the way someone understands and lives the world. In the context of atheist conversion to Christianity, religious conversion typically requires understanding and believing the biblical worldview as objectively true, that if God exists, then all of reality is reshaped through that lens. In order to clarify the nature of their quest, former atheists were surveyed as to why they began asking questions about Christianity. On survey, they were given a variety of possible responses across personal (social, emotional, experiential, existential), intellectual, and spiritual experiential options. Were they, as Heirich suggested, seeking to find substantive answers to questions of belief (either to disprove or honestly investigate)? Were they spurred on by an unexpected spiritual encounter? Or, were they, as social scientists contend, merely questing towards a religious group to satisfy their personal needs? Their responses showed that only a minority (6% to 24%) began asking questions about God and Christianity to satisfy personal, social reasons. When they were asked as to their reasons for converting to Christianity, the results confirmed even less importance of these functional motivations in their final decision. Only two (4%) reported religious conversion as a coping mechanism to ‘deal with personal pain in my life.’ Six (12%) thought of conversion as a way ‘to help understand suffering in the lives of others.’ When social motivations were considered, only four subjects (8%) reported ‘positive social consequences, a sense of belonging’ as a primary contributor to conversion. In fact, most rejected social or psychological reasons for their conversion. Brad said, “The things that attracted me to the Christian worldview while I was still an atheist were the truth of the claims being made and the voracity in which they stood up to scrutiny. To me comfort or personal feelings were secondary to truth. I wanted, and still want to believe that which is true regardless of the personal implications.” Zach said, “I remembered thinking, ‘If it is not true, then I don’t want to believe in it. If it is true, then there is something more to gain.’” Others dismissed the personal, experiential gains of their decision until after conversion. Dennis reflected, “Until my conversion, I didn’t consider the appealing personal aspects of Christianity.” While Justin admitted that his catalyst towards disproving God was motivated by a social relationship, he rebuffed the idea that his eventual conversion was prompted by personal motivations, stating,

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I had not too many worldly concerns in this life. As far as my own personal desires were going, I was on my way to be very, very happy on all fronts. I was sheltered by a family who was very loving and very nurturing. My mom was utterly devoted to her children, so I ended up doing very well in school, so I was respected on that field, and I ended up growing and becoming physical so I played volleyball in a national league so that was exciting too and I was playing music. So, all of that seemed really fine. Why should I worry about such things when life is just good? It is a big slap in the face of the theory that people find religion only when life is miserable.

Steven explicitly denied the need for social belonging as a motivator for conversion, asserting, I don’t belong to any church because I need to belong. That is fundamentally incorrect. I don’t go to church because I want to be with other Christians or because I need to be part of an organization. If you look at me through my past, you would see that I never participated in any organization like that for those purposes or reasons. So why would I all of a sudden start going to church? That explanation does not apply to me at all.2

Similarly, Joseph’s conversion was driven by the truth of Christianity over its social utility: The only reason I get up on Sunday morning and drag my wife and children to church, which is not always easy, is because I believe there is a God who really is there. It is not simply using mythical language or moral lexicon. It’s not simply creating a social setting that is conducive for middle-class families. I see myself as part of God’s story. Everything I believe is ontologically based, not simply socially or relationally useful.

For some, conversion to Christianity came at great social cost and alienation rather than social gain.3 On interview, nearly one-third of respondents (30%) reported negative responses and/or rejection from friends and family post-conversion. Zach initially perceived his conversion as “socially frowned upon, especially by my group of friends, and it was . . . belief in God was embarrassing for me.” When questioned about his friends’ reactions to his and a close friend’s conversion, Christopher stated, We lost a lot of friends, honestly. Even then our beliefs were very liberal and, in some sense, more closely aligned with atheism than with Christianity on all sorts of issues. But just saying, “We’re going to church this Sunday,” or “Jesus is God,” a lot of people hated us. I can remember that, just feeling really crappy that friends wouldn’t even talk to us anymore because of that. It was difficult, and I think also though, there’s kind of a new conversion joy that helped to



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get us through it. I had a pretty strong sense of peace about it considering how crappy it was. I mean by that point I was like, ‘Okay I’m in this, I looked through this and Christianity is offering the only answers that are even close to coherent.’ I felt a lot of peace about that even though at the same time it was really crappy losing a bunch of friends.

These perspectives weigh heavily against naturalistic presumptions broadly characterizing conversion as an essentially social phenomenon. Atheists tend to move against social conventions as demonstrated by their prior affirmation of and identification with a minority ideology (atheism) within Western culture, prone to anti-conformity. Todd affirmed his social independence, stating, “I got to age 27 as an atheist because I gave my middle finger, sometimes both, to the social contracts at war with me. I am much more prone to go the other way than to acquiesce just to say I could.” These stories suggest that although existential, emotional issues were motivating towards conversion for some respondents they were not motivating for all, especially for those whom conversion caused moral or social difficulties. This is not to say that functional motivations weren’t a piece of the puzzle towards conversion, because they were. Christianity fulfills many social, existential, and emotional needs. It provides deeply grounded meaning, purpose, value, direction, hope, and personal satisfaction for humanity. What the findings in this study suggest is that these drivers were not the main reason for religious conversion but rather were secondary contributors. They were the door openers and possible benefits to belief in God, softening the will towards active pursuit, but not enough to convince someone to believe. These findings agreed with Heirich, that while a psychological, social, or emotional factor may have opened the door towards questing, these former atheists began genuine intellectual searching for ways to resolve their doubts and investigate Christianity, motivated either to disprove or examine the credibility of the Christian worldview. QUESTIONING NATURALISM— IT NO LONGER MAKES SENSE Although many former atheists began seriously considering belief in God after first becoming open because of personal benefit, they needed to believe Christianity was true regardless of how good or attractive it was. The trouble for many atheists is the oft-touted contention that there is no evidence for God, religion, or religious belief. Religion is simply myth, ‘elephants all the way down’ with nothing substantive to see or consider. Through the lens of methodological naturalism, supernatural reality is a moot issue, non-existent

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and therefore unobservable. But due to some sort of disruptive catalyst, the atheist becomes willing to reconsider that which he once thought impossible—that perhaps there may be something to consider and investigate, truth to be known about God or even tested in an objective way. They become ready to see previously disregarded information in a new light. Nearly half of the respondents (48%) affirmed their ‘change in willingness to be open and to seek truth’ as one of the most important components that led them to belief in God and Christianity. This openness helped them see the difficulties within their own naturalistic worldview and the potential viable explanations and evidence in another. Whether they became open for intellectual reasons or not, through their quest most began to take the claims of Christianity seriously, compelled to disprove or to investigate theistic and Christian claims on their own merits. For most intellectually driven atheists, believing what is true, rational, and evidenced based is important. Again, the former atheists in this study were, as a whole, highly educated with a heightened sense of rational superiority over ‘superstitious, non-scientific, religious believers.’ This population valued the intellectual credibility of their held beliefs, a thoughtful group of people who took ideas seriously, who looked at their grounding and implications. In their minds, any profession of belief in religious claims entailed substantive, reasoned support. They needed to believe what was objectively true and not merely ‘wishful thinking.’ The beliefs needed to make sense in light of what they knew of the world and of themselves. That was the foregone conclusion. Once there was a will, there was a way. Once willing to seek after truth, this group of former atheists were able to see with greater clarity the difficulties in their own naturalistic worldview. Before becoming willing to quest for answers, they may have only pursued a ‘tearing down’ of a religious worldview without giving the same due diligence to their own perspectives. However, after they became open to look at ideas and ideologies more closely, many became willing to see problems within naturalism, acknowledging the intellectual and existential difficulties that flowed from it. As mentioned before, within a naturalistic worldview, free will, consciousness, objective meaning, morality, purpose, and human worth are illusions.4 Origin of the universe from nothing, origin of organic life from non-life, origin of complex information, and fine-tuning of the universe are difficult to explain. In this research, one-third (36.0%) of former atheists began to search beyond naturalism in light of its perceived impotence to explain physical nature and/or human nature. After Aaron’s grandparents suddenly converted to Christianity (catalyst), he began to search world religions to assess their explanatory power for basic truths (quest) and saw problems with his own atheistic, naturalistic views. It was only then that he was willing to take a closer look at Christianity. He stated,



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You start to think about purpose and meaning, relationship, love, and morality and these sorts of things. The way I thought of it was these things—here’s a list of ten things I sort of accept as brute facts, as true. How does each worldview understand, appreciate, and justify those things? And when I looked at atheism on these things, they wouldn’t do as well as I thought they would. It didn’t do as good as Christianity. And, so while looking at atheism, looking at these things, it left me unsatisfied both emotionally and intellectually. So, if I was to be honest about those things while I was looking at them, then that kind of investigation was a reason for me to be just generally skeptical of the kind of naturalistic, materialistic, atheistic view of the world . . . It was in the end quite unsatisfying to live with.

After meeting and befriending an intelligent Christian (catalyst), Kevin began looking at his own views more closely (quest). He recalled the looming questions that began to haunt him as seemingly unanswerable within atheism: If I was an atheist, then I need to answer questions, right? How is it possible that life comes from nonliving matter and energy? How is it possible that the universe came into existence out of nothing? How is it possible that consciousness can emerge out of just matter in energy? Why is it that human beings actually have significance if the universe is without purpose or without a creator? And suffering and evil. What does atheism offer in the face of suffering and evil? Nothing. There is no answer.

Former atheist Joseph held to a strong personal ethic and found moral relativism, as demanded by naturalistic atheism, to be a disturbing consequence. After spending time around an authentic Christian (catalyst), he became open to Christianity due to the admirable quality of his friend’s life. This initiating catalyst then caused him to think more deeply about his own life and the lack of moral substance provided by his own worldview (quest): Whether you push an old lady in front of a bus or help her across the road, you could argue that in an atheist universe these actions are meaningless. They have no objective real moral quality. They are just things we project onto them and what you project onto those no more authoritative and what someone else might project onto them. So, I knew I lived in a morally meaningless universe. The problem was I couldn’t live without moral meaning. I knew some things were absolutely wrong. Some things were evil, but I did not have a metaphysic that could support that kind of ethic.

Within this research, former atheists’ intellectual confidence in naturalism was challenged when implications of their worldview were realized. According to their own surveyed responses, 35–43% of former atheists in this study began to experience dissatisfaction with the atheistic worldview and

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its perceived intellectual impotence to sufficiently address facts about reality. Cognitive dissonance or curiosity caused them to seek resolution outside of naturalistic atheism. Three-quarters of study participants (74%) reported their ‘tendency to question’ led them towards Christianity. Many were led towards investigating Christianity due to their desire to resolve lingering doubts (44%), unanswered questions (38%), or resolve growing cognitive tension(s). Overall, approximately one-third (36%) initiated an intellectual quest to resolve a cognitive tension produced by naturalism’s perceived impotence to explain physical nature and/or human nature. This recognition of naturalism’s inability to substantively answer life’s biggest questions led many towards searching for satisfying solutions, even if it meant considering Christianity. In their quest, they became exposed to and engaged with the Christian worldview to resolve intellectual tensions or answer lingering questions and doubts. QUESTING TOWARDS TRUTH— FINDING CHRISTIANITY Disappointed with naturalism, many skeptics became willing to search beyond their crumbling worldview in an attempt to find a comprehensive framework which not only gave the best explanation for the world outside of themselves, but also gave the best explanation of their own intuitions, desires, and experiences. They weren’t looking for the benefit of these desires and experiences so much as looking for a way to make sense of themselves and their lives. Once someone takes an honest look at themselves and their views and finds inadequacy, they can and do turn towards searching beyond atheism and naturalism for truth. However, these former atheists made it clear that they were not willing to compromise their intellectual integrity for the sake of their desire to find answers outside of naturalism. For Jason, his own doubt “fueled my desire to look for evidence . . . I was looking for the answers . . . I wanted to be convinced but not to the point that I would say that I am going to ignore inconsistencies, or I am going to ignore things that I disbelieve. I didn’t want to be convinced that badly.” Ben stated, “For me, it would have been depressing to be following along but knowing in the back of my mind it is not really true. It is all just a sham. So, I wanted to know if it was actually true. If I can’t reasonably believe in it, then I don’t want to.” Through their earnest intellectual questing, they came to see that the biblical worldview seemed to provide the best explanation of reality, that it matched with their deepest perceptions and insights as to themselves, others, and the world. During his quest, James realized, “The thing that made most sense of what I observed in the world around me and what my experience of



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life was that there was a God, that he does exist, that we are creative beings, that we are immaterial minds and not just physical brains, that the universe hasn’t existed for eternity and didn’t just pop into existence by magic but had a beginning, and that there is a meaning to life that has been given to us externally by a God who has given life meaning in the first place and given us meaning.” After meeting intelligent, winsome, joy-filled Christians at Oxford (catalyst), Jennifer began a search for meaning. Through her searching (quest), she found a substantive way to ground her yearning within Christianity which was absent in atheism. As she began to see the emptiness of naturalism, it led her to the abundance of Christ. She recalls, I was researching world religions for my thesis, but there had always been a longing in me that I knew was there but now I was able to sit with it. I was more suspicious by nature, which I think is the case when the rug has been pulled right from under you, especially as a child quite often. So I probably hadn’t thought through completely the implications of being an atheist, but I did so more as I was beginning to realize that Christianity had something to it. And I found that to be both intriguing and really threatening because the line is drawn in the sand. The bottom line is do you believe what Jesus said he was. He made some pretty crazy claims. So do you believe them or not? If you believe them it changes everything and that is a strong line to step over. But I began to then realize that the option of atheism held nothing. It was meaningless. Although skeptical and cynical, I began to see more and more how hollow such a life is, and what the promise of an abundant life that Jesus spoke of and represented really was beautiful. I believe that some unspeakable combination of both free will (in that I pursued, out of my want and ache—sensucht) and yet God’s will (in that I was pursued, and extended grace) was at work in my life.

As for the manner of their quest, most former atheists searched through reading books, watching online forums, debates, and podcasts. Forty-two percent (42%) read books exploring world religions or providing an apologia,5 an intellectual substantiation and defense of the theistic worldview. Christian apologetics played an important role for many former atheists, particularly for those who lacked prior awareness of significant Christian authors and speakers in philosophy, history, theology, and science. During their search, many had little to no direct personal exposure to Christians or did not directly seek interaction with Christians. Most studied and searched alone. With negative social pressures at hand, it is not surprising that one-half (52%) reported an ‘independent choice to believe in Christianity apart from the influence of others.’ Typically, they didn’t want anyone to be aware of their search due to the large negative social costs associated with Christian belief. Dennis stated, “I had minimal interaction with Christians prior to conversion.” Greg asserted, “I didn’t actively seek input from Christians at that time. My investigations

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were conducted alone.” Ryan stated, “I would say probably 80 or 90 percent of my contemplation was through reading or listening to something like one directional audio versus actually having conversations with people. That came later.” Technology provided a practical resource for investigating, particularly for those who had minimal personal exposure to Christians. They looked to internet blogs (22%), internet debates (16%), and Christian podcasts (12%) for information to consider. These online resources influenced four out of ten (40%) towards belief. Once exposed to the substantial nature of such resources, many were admittedly stunned. After meeting a scholarly Christian (catalyst) and discovering the explanatory weaknesses of his own atheistic worldview, Jeremy began investigating Christianity to disprove it (quest). His approach was “How can I dismantle this? How can I show that it isn’t true, that it doesn’t match with reality? I wanted to have ammunition, my ducks in a row.” He first looked to popular atheist literature only to be disappointed. Jeremy determined that the authors were not approaching the Bible with fairness, but rather with manipulation in trying to disprove its legitimacy. This seeming lack of integrity confirmed his need to research on a scholarly level. It was during his more academic search that he discovered substantive Christian writings “by divine providence.” Those books led him from trying to disprove Christianity to “wanting to know what is actually true,” a pivotal turn in his intellectual journey. He was willing to go wherever the evidence led, committed to truth: I remember that was the first time I thought, wait a minute. There was the whole world, a whole universe of Christian thinking below the surface here that I had absolutely no idea about. That was when I discovered how ignorant my concepts of it were. That’s when I started to dive deep into William Lane Craig and Alvin Plantinga, sitting down to read Augustine and thinking, ‘I am such a fool for thinking, with a punk attitude at 15 and 16 years old because I am angry, I can throw away all of this ton of literature that people have been thinking about these profoundly important questions. I am arrogant, but I am not that arrogant.’ So, there was a shift subtly there from ‘I am going to disprove Christianity’ to saying, “I want to know if it is actually true.” And so, that was of fundamental importance, you get this commitment to truth. I want to know what reality actually is. That process took almost 18 months of painstaking research really wrestling through a lot of intensive apologetics.

Jeremy described his search as being “on the bread crumb trail. I had no idea where it was leading me.” He moved through issues of beauty and aesthetics, what truth is and how we know it, what rationality is and how we can trust it, whether Jesus really existed and whether He saw Himself as God, what the Bible is and whether it is trustworthy, whether the God of the Bible exists, as



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well as other worldviews. At bottom, he “needed to find something that could give me a foundation for the things that I know in my own life.” He continued to investigate concepts of justice, morality, and whether “something larger, something personal is there” to ground his experience and rational intuitions and to explain the origin of the universe. He eventually found what he was looking for in the person of God and through the biblical worldview. The issue of truth became more, not less, important throughout the questing process as they were becoming serious about the possibility of conversion. As a reminder, one-third (36%) were motivated towards a quest due to a desire to a disruptive intellectual challenge or longing. However, an active pursuit of truth nearly doubled to two-thirds (68%) towards conversion. When asked as to ‘the most effective means by which they were attracted to or convinced of Christianity,’ one-half (50%) actively investigated the evidence for God and Christianity, and three-fourths of the respondents (78%) confirmed the essential position of intellectual discussion, issues of evidence, and objective truth in the process of changing beliefs and worldviews.6 On survey, the ‘most convincing reasons’ given for their newfound belief in the existence of God were: the historical person and resurrection of Jesus Christ (57%), the cosmological argument (the beginning of the universe demands a cause) (33%), the moral argument for objective moral obligations and duties (26%), and the grounding for objective truth and beauty (22%). The ‘most convincing reasons’ for believing the truth of Christianity were: the life and claims of Jesus Christ (two-thirds), the resurrection of Jesus Christ, the truth of the Bible and the rationality of Christian belief (one-half). In examining the resurrection evidence, Nicholas became convinced of its historical truth: That is what caused me to ask my uncle who has an Oxford PhD in theology, “I’ve got to know actual, historical, objective evidence for Christianity.” He sent me a book about Jesus’s resurrection, and I was convinced after reading that book. After getting part way through and reading about the historical evidence behind the resurrection, the culture Jesus grew up in, and how N.T. Wright lays down the argument that is indisputable. It is something I can’t really explain, but all of a sudden, I had an immediate mind switch. I thought ‘Wow, I believe in this stuff.’ That is where it happened.

Zach agreed, “Probability wise, there is a 96% chance that Christ rose from the dead based upon all of the evidence, based upon all of the different arguments. And that is still the most secure thing to my faith.” This interesting finding coheres with the essential nature and reality of Jesus’ resurrection as the critical keystone upon which remaining Christian beliefs stand or fall.7 After conversion, confidence in the truth of God’s existence and the Christian worldview was notably higher than pre-conversion confidence in

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the truth of the atheistic worldview. They expressed a high level of confidence (88%) in the perceived ‘knowability’ of objective truths about the existence of God.8 A minority (16.0%) expressed a tentative nature to their post-conversion belief in God, four percent (4.0%) due to inherent nature of human finitude and knowledge. According to all but one convert (98.0%), Christianity was not grounded in ‘blind faith,’ countering the stereotypical atheistic critique of religious faith. Rather, the truths of Christianity were deemed to be ‘knowable, objective, and rational.’ However, as some demonstrated in their conversion process, being convinced of truth does not necessarily or immediately lead to conversion. There are other considerations to keep in mind. INTELLECTUAL BELIEF— IT’S NOT ENOUGH FOR CONVERSION Radically altering a belief system requires a strong, reasoned case due to the implications and demands of such change. Even if someone comes to intellectually believe that God exists and Christianity is true, they may not yet be ready or willing to yield their lives in the face of truth. Long-standing distaste for religious belief, anticipation of social rejection, and the demanding embodiment of conversion to Christianity caused continued resistance for some. Conversion entails placing personal fiduciary trust in the person of Christ for salvation as well as the subsequent surrender of all areas of life to God. Due to the comprehensive shifting that conversion requires, the process often occurs in stages. For most, religious conversion is a process over time whereby one leaves one way of thinking and living behind and embraces another. It is not easy or straightforward, requiring patience from self and others. Some former atheists reported a gradual progression from unbelief to belief, moving from atheism towards agnosticism or openness to supernatural reality, and finally towards Christian belief. Matthew recalled, “I drifted from atheism back into agnosticism, thinking ‘maybe there is a God’ where it doesn’t make sense if the world would just come to be and there is no explanation at all. I thought maybe there could be a God, but if he exists, he is not really interested in us at all. But, for at least two years I was definitely, ‘There is no God.’” Jacob described his two-year agnosticism while a curious church attendee: “I began to see how wholesome Christianity was as far as living with a moral guide. It wasn’t God, but it was a little bit closer. The way I express it is, ‘Here is the fence, I was taken from the atheist side of the fence and put on the fence.’” After years of investigating and understanding Christianity as true, Kyle still resisted becoming a Christian because of what it meant for his life



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choices. Here he described the process from being intellectually convinced of Christianity to finally becoming willing to ‘give his life to Jesus’: Overall, from the beginning of looking into this stuff to becoming a Christian that was about four years, maybe five. There was at least a year where from a strictly academic point of view I was thinking it looks like it’s true, but I still held out against it for a while because I still wanted to live in a certain way and not get on board yet. There is still more I could find out but eventually you get to the point where you must make a decision. In my case, it was realizing, ‘I think you believe in this stuff already, don’t you? Well then get on with it! Become one if you already believe it, what are you waiting for?’ There was an interplay between genuine intellectual doubt and less admirable personal biases against it. It was both of those.

Aaron also expressed an aversion towards conversion because of the implicit moral demands and life change it would require: To believe in God would be a kind of complicated factor to your life because I had the impression that you would have to change the way you live, the way you thought. I was quite happy with the way I was living so God was a hypothesis I had no need for. I just thought it complicated things. I was content with how I was living, quite sort of hedonistic. It was a complication that actually caused me a bit of grief.

A person comes to not only acknowledge the truth as aligning with the reality of God and the human condition but also must willingly accept these truths and ‘the Christian gospel’ as applied to his or her own life. Justin described his hesitation based upon the cost of conversion: For an atheist to be very convinced of his atheism who can radically change his mind is going to entail that he is absolutely convinced this is the case because he is not going to convert unless he is sure. That’s very strong belief in Christianity as a consequence. If you really believe it is true it is going to change everything. And prior to my conversion, that condition was a problem. To me, it was clear that if Christianity is true, my life could never be the same. Now, that was a problem because it was a very costly decision. But once I crossed on the other side of the barrier, then I have to follow it through. If it is, in fact, real; therefore, it changes everything. My life has been completely flipped upside down—every single area of my worldview. But now that it is the case, I can only live 100% on those matters.

In this research, slightly more than one-half (54%) reported a ‘gradual’ movement towards conversion, and slightly less than one-half (44%) declared a ‘sudden’ religious conversion.9 This suddenness is typically not ‘out of the

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blue’ but rather within the context of change. However, there are those decisive moments for some when everything comes together all at once. Joseph described his sudden shift after a period of searching and introspection, saying, “I think my belief in God happened fairly instantaneously. It came down to, ‘Look, if there is a God, if this is how he interacts in the world, if Scripture is a witness to him, then that’s it. It’s all in it for the money.’ I didn’t adopt it in sort of a piece meal fashion. I think I pretty much bought the whole store as far as I could tell. That there was no gradual intellectual creeping, of things gradually being absorbed. I went straight into it.” In summary, these research findings affirm a reasoned belief as important for intellectually driven atheists within a holistic understanding of conversion. For the dominant majority, justification of rational, moral, and evidential truths was a necessary foundation for them to move towards conversion. The search for truth was a critical component in their questing and conversion process, if not prior to or prompting conversion, then following the conversion itself. New convert Ed prayed, God, you seem more real to me than my next breath, but if I ever find out that you are not real or this stuff isn’t real, I’m not going to keep doing it. All I knew at the beginning was the Bible and my experience. I realized, not only is this stuff true and I would never walk away, but if I ever walked away, it wouldn’t be because I was doubting that anything was intellectually true.

Although intellectual reasons were a critical component for many in the conversion process, it is important to place it within the whole context of motivations towards conversion. Only a minority (18%) reported religious conversion as motivated solely by rational means. On survey, the overwhelming majority reported a combination of intellectual, spiritual, and functional elements for conversion. Interestingly, some respondents candidly reported the ineffectual nature of rational arguments in their conversion process. Eight participants (16%) affirmed rational arguments as not convincing, but were rather swayed by other non-rational, more spiritual means.10 In the next chapter, we will discuss those compelling experiences which also led towards change.



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NOTES 1. (Heirich 1977), 654, 655, 675. 2. Instead of social motivations, Steven was captivated by providential answers to prayer on behalf of his terminally ill wife, convinced that there must be ‘something to it,’ prompting openness, study, and belief. 3. Three-quarters of respondents (38/50; 74.50%) (Q25f) perceived their culture as encouraging belief towards atheism; social and political influences encourage belief in atheism (39/50; 78%) (Q25h); and, society places obstacles towards practicing Christianity (40/50; 80%) (Q25g). 4. Without a transcendent standard of morality, there is no grounding upon which to call anything or anyone immoral apart from what is determined from social consensus or power. On naturalism, there is no standard of ‘what ought to be’ but only ‘what is’ within a deterministic framework, yet all are constantly judging. 5. apologia—a Latin term meaning ‘a formal written defense of one’s opinions or conduct.’ English Oxford Living Dictionaries; https:​//​en​.oxforddictionaries​.com​/ definition​/apologia. 6. Only a minority found intellectual discussion, issues of evidence, and objective truth as influential towards atheistic belief (10/50; 19.60%). 7. The apostle Paul addresses the fundamental import and truth of Christ’s resurrection as foundational to the Christian worldview; otherwise, all Christian belief is vanity and all who believe in it are to be “pitied more than all men,” I Corinthians 15:12–19. 8. SoGoSurvey (Q16): Convinced of the truth of atheism at Atheist Stage: ‘Uncertain’ rating 0–1 (1/50; 2.0%); rating 2 (2/50; 4.0%); rating 3 (10/50; 20.0%); rating 4 (22/50; 44.0%); and ‘Highly certain’ (14/50; 28.0%). These findings are contrasted with SoGoSurvey (Q31): Convinced of the truth of Christianity at the time of survey: ‘Uncertain’ rating 0–1 (0/50; 0.00%); rating 2 (0/50; 0.0%); rating 3 (2/50; 4.0%); rating 4 (11/50; 22.0%); and ‘Highly certain’ (37/50; 74.0%). 9. Pre-conversion atheistic belief was gradual for approximately one-half of respondents (26/50; 52%) (Q27i); and sudden for a small minority (6/50; 12%) (Q27h). 10. (Q21): Regarding the impotence of rational arguments, Dennis stated, “As an apathetic atheist, I spent very little effort considering intellectual arguments for theism.” Anthony said, “As an atheist I was ignorant of most of these arguments—I simply had never heard of most of them. I thought science had explained the origin of life and the universe.”

Chapter Eight

‌‌‌‌‌Questing Towards Belief Experiencing God

Christianity claims to tell the true story of reality, and that all of reality proclaims the existence of God. It explains who God is, who we are, how everything came to be, why it is broken, and how everything and everyone can be restored to wholeness through Jesus Christ. This story of reality is told through general revelation as seen in and through the universe, through human history, and through humanity itself. It is also told through special revelation through the ‘Word’ Jesus Christ as God incarnate and through the ‘Word of God’ the Bible. More than that, when skeptics explore Christianity, they are also expecting to see the outworking of God through His people, the Church, and the possibility of supernatural experiences. In this chapter, we’ll see how former atheists came to believe in the truth of the Christian story through the ways they encountered the Bible, the Church, and the supernatural as pointers to the existence of God. CRACKING OPEN THE BIBLE— A SURPRISING CLOSER LOOK Once open to looking into Christianity, those who were willing to search took steps towards discovery in different ways. Most of those who were searching for truth regarding God and Christianity began through reading the Bible (60%). As former atheists, they generally held negative views of the Bible and reasons to reject the text. Considering the Bible in any serious form or positive fashion was simply out of the question. It was viewed as “a mixture of myth, fabrication, ignorant commentary from Bronze Age Jews,” “a tool that somebody had actually crafted to control the population,” or a generally “non-historical, false religious book.” Its supernatural content alone caused 127

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nearly half to soundly dismiss it. The Bible wasn’t worth taking a first look much less a second unless to disprove or discredit it. Interestingly, some who began their quest towards discrediting scripture changed their preconceived notions. Once examining the Bible, many found it to be historically, intellectually, and morally forceful, with ‘a ring of truth.’ Personal reading through scripture diffused their preconceived stereotypes. Kevin’s attitudes towards the Bible changed as he read it, stating: “Over time, I found that as I was reading through Acts and as I moved on to the letters of Paul, I was learning so much. I could see that Christianity is nice and good in its purest form. There were still things I didn’t believe, and I found hard to accept, but the message itself as I came to understand it was just not something that I could hate anymore.” Nicholas was surprised by the distinctly historical nature to the Bible, stating, “I started reading the Bible for the first time, critically rather than just, ‘Oh, this is silly.’ I started looking at the Bible as an actual historical document from the people who were there. That’s when it hit me. This is starting to get serious now because it is more than just someone claimed of being raised from the dead. It is something that happened in history.’ From there, I started putting everything together.” Although initially hostile to reading the Bible, some were compelled towards serious, even voracious reading, astonished by what they found. It compelled them to continue their quest towards discovering truth. When Anthony first read scripture, he was taken aback by its unexpected content which created an unexpected openness and desire to read more. He recalled, I started to read scripture. Originally, I thought, ‘If I have objections to this, I should at least read it’ and found the reports in the New Testament seemed to be fairly honest reports. Reading them without any scholarly training, without any kind of critical issues, just like reading it plainly it had the ‘ring of truth’ to it. It didn’t seem like people were telling things in a way that suggested that they were lying or had ulterior motives. They seemed honest and sincere. The texts had a groundedness to them. And Jesus was fascinating, saying things that were interesting and he was an interesting, compelling figure. I was fascinated by it. I couldn’t read it enough. I read the New Testament in two weeks. I read through a lot of the Old Testament books as well. I was literally hungry for it, utterly fascinated. I was intrigued by their lives. Certain of my objections seemed like they weren’t as severe as I thought they were and the actual content of Christianity, once I looked into it, when I read the Bible, it seemed really compelling.

Tom found a surprising insatiable appetite towards reading. He recollected, “The first week he gave me an assignment to read the first three chapters of John. I had never read the Bible and did not even want to touch it. But I had to do the assignment, so I started reading. I could not stop and read the whole book of John that week. I loved the whole thing, but if there is no God, it’s



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just a story and I’m not going to put my trust in a story, but I kept reading.” Greg recalled his unforeseen attitude shift when he encountered the extraordinary lives, moral character, and intellectual rigor in scripture. Once he began reading the Bible, he was compelled to complete it in a short period of time: I thought I knew the Gospels—those included miracles and healings which aren’t real. So, I started reading in Acts and I read, and I read and read was completely amazed. It caused me to think, ‘No one told me about this. I have never heard about these kinds of testimonies—the sermons they preached, the journeys that they made spreading the gospel.’ I couldn’t understand why they went to all the trouble to do that, to all die for it and commit their entire lives to it, especially the apostle Paul. Paul was the most interesting character for me because he was a non-believer. I didn’t think that would be possible from the Bible. I didn’t think you would encounter intelligent characters like Paul. You wouldn’t encounter people with this kind of moral character, intellectual rigor. So, I had to read his words. I devoured them. I had to read them. I read Romans and then I went on to read the rest of the New Testament and then I went back to read the gospels. It was just amazing. That was, for me I think that was one of the hugest things was just reading the Bible was one of the biggest things for me becoming a Christian . . . I probably read the whole thing in three or four months.

Through reading the gospel biographies of Jesus, many found him utterly fascinating, different from their ideas about who they thought He was. Greg’s initial impressions of Christ led him to consider the truth of Christianity more seriously: Jesus never flinched from asserting his authority as the Son of God. The titles he gave himself, the things he said to the religious elite, he didn’t back down from his claims. He claimed to be the Son of God. According to the eyewitnesses, he seemed to have worked miracles. And it was this combination of his compassion for the weak and his bravery, his courage in the face of evil. He did not back down from the Pharisees, from Pilate. He spoke the truth in a way you don’t see people normally do. Nobody talks like Jesus does. He was so compelling. I just found him amazing. I never, never experienced that or heard of it that I could recall when I went to church. Either it wasn’t being preached or I was willfully ignorant of it, but it was all brand-new and I was amazed by it, by his preaching, by his parables, by his sermons. And it was profoundly convicting on the one hand, but it made me want to understand who he was, and can he be trusted, is this real? Those were huge questions to me.

After reading John’s gospel, Jeremy “wanted to know the person of Jesus” and “liked the guy,” surprised by His bold, wise, and intellectual presence:

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I didn’t know what I was expecting. My experience with Christians was not very intellectually interesting people, a lot of bigots, really, so when I saw Jesus throwing down with the Pharisees I thought ‘I love this guy!’ And so it was a really weird sensation. I was magnetized towards him as a person so even if he wasn’t the Son of God, this guy knew his stuff and it made me feel like, ‘Here I am and I thought I was so advanced in my thinking.’ He was thinking my thoughts long before me over 2000 years ago, so I am certainly not a religious revolutionary.

Christopher described first reading about Jesus as a “spiritual experience,” being supernaturally drawn to Him while still despising Christianity, leading him to further searching: I was really feeling strongly drawn to the character of Jesus. It was hard to explain the discord in my mind and heart. I was thinking that Christianity is probably true being strongly, supernaturally, powerfully attracted to the person of Jesus, but somehow still hating Christianity. And the spiritual experience is when I would read or think anything about Jesus. I remember reading the Bible and literally shaking when I read the gospels because I just could not believe that there is a person like this, that this person was God, and that this person cared for me. Even though I wasn’t necessarily willing to jump in full boar at that point, that was like a draw on my heart that I felt needed an answer.

Others were led beyond questing to conversion through reading the Bible. Matthew recalled the passage which moved him towards repentance and change: I kept reading the bible. I kept wanting to give the New Testament a shot even though I had trouble understanding it. At this point I was more open than at any point. It was reading I John where he said “If you love the world, you can’t say that you love God. Everything in the world is passing away, the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh, the pride of life, but the one who does the will of God lives forever.” This was what I had been thinking about all the time—there is no meaning to life, and it is all transitory and passes away and everything, and then I read this. So, I repented and got on my knees and prayed, and I was different. I was changed. I believe that is when I was born again.

Still others were moved towards ‘testing out’ Christianity after reading the Bible for themselves. After a period of extensive time in scripture, Jeremy found Christianity as something palpably real, as worth practical exploration. He recalled, “At that point, I was reading an awful lot of the Bible and had shifted very much into well, ‘I want to take this for a test drive’ in a sense. I describe this experience as trying on other worldviews, sorting through a box of wires. And when I finally got down to what the meat of Christianity was,



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it was the only thing that kind of shocked back, kind of grabbing a live wire.” Taking a test-drive for Jeremy meant entering into a church environment, a place they never thought they would want to go to be with people they never thought they would want to know. STEPPING INTO A CHURCH— AN UNFORESEEN POSSIBILITY Among religious conversion scholars, social affiliation and bonding with a new religious group is an essential part of the conversion process. In the context of former atheists in this study, social affiliation and the need for affective bonds prior to conversion was not found to be a necessary component or even part of the process for approximately half according to their own experience. As a reminder, over half (57%) of the former atheists in this study had little to no direct experience with a Christian church as they were forming their atheist identity and beliefs. One-quarter (25%) had nominal experience, and only a minority had any ongoing exposure to Christian faith through either Catholic (10%) or Protestant (8%) expressions. As atheists, they held negative views of Christians and Christianity as judgmental, intolerant, non-relevant, uneducated, and even dangerous. For someone to enter a setting where they, in some sense, expect the worse can be uncomfortable at best and repulsive at worst, reinforcing their prior presumptions. Some respondents described a strong approach/avoidance conflict entering a church building, wanting to ‘go and see’ yet deeply disturbed at the possible social consequences. However, they were often pleasantly surprised by what they found, their disparaging views of Christians and Christianity often changed. Justin decided to visit a church for the first time to better understand his Christian girlfriend’s beliefs. Recounting his first visit, he was mortified at the possibility of being discovered by his secular friends, but also unprepared to find an apparent authenticity of the Christians’ belief. Despite his initial reluctance, this visit was a first step towards Christianity. He recalled, The whole thing was awkward from the point that everything was new and by the fact that if anybody would have even seen me consider Christianity, I would die of shame. I was really oppressed by those feelings, if anybody of my friends or family would see me in a church, God forbid! They would laugh at me. I would die of shame. All of that made for very strange feelings in the beginning of church service. I don’t remember what they prayed for, but I remember it being both awkward and impressively coherent. At least these people believe God is listening and they are praying. As an atheist, I found it awkward and unbelievable, but for a Christian, at least you believed what you are saying is

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good, especially when I grew up in a church where it seemed that half of the people didn’t believe this stuff. When the service ended, I figured, I have done my investigative work. I have seen these people. I have an idea of what this looks like. Now, let me get out of here before anybody talks to me again and I would have to introduce myself!

Although he felt quite uncomfortable, this experience opened his skeptical eyes towards the genuineness of Christian belief for those who were in attendance, a small step forward. Others were not as resistant, but curious. Jeremy became open to attend a church service after a period of study to further investigate Christianity. His intellectual journey led him to the point where he was willing to grant the existence of God and historical reality of Jesus. That is, when he decided to “experiment with going to church and trying to see what this looks like as a hopeful agnostic.” He recounted his first church visit: I was still very skeptical. I granted the intellectual possibility of a resurrection, but the idea of is there a personal God that actually interacts in the world today, that was the issue I was exploring as I was going to church. I remember the first time I was running late, and I came to this church. When I saw 900 people standing in the dark with their eyes closed and their hands raised I thought, ‘What is going on here?’ The hair went up on the back of my neck. It felt weird. The pastor was a former drug dealer and a product of the 60s, not the kind of person I would have expected because I am a hard-core intellectual, but I liked that he slowly, methodically teaches the Bible. I was going to church regularly as a very curious agnostic for another six months.

Jeremy eventually came to believe that God was both real and true, and began to minister in that church as an apologist. Still others hated religion and religious people, but decided to give God another chance after hearing or seeing something different than they had previously experienced. Jessica left the legalistic religion of her parents to become a resolved atheist, reinforced by personal tragedies. Years later, after exploring Eastern religions and finding ‘beauty but no substance,’ she became curious about Christianity after hearing a radio message referring to the resurrection as a historical event. It was enough to draw her to church to learn more. After anonymously attending for a while, she began searching for answers about the Christian faith through apologetic books and online sources, recalling, “I was not at all convinced, but I was becoming more and more interested. I wasn’t sleeping because I was reading so many books and I was watching so many messages. I was googling all this stuff about my questions. I bought a Bible on Amazon.com and started reading that.” She also began attending a church small group which explored the truth of



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Christianity. Admittedly, she attended with the intent to confront and expose the emptiness of Christianity and its followers, but the leaders of the group were warm and accepting, good listeners who genuinely cared about her and her life. She was taken by their openness towards her despite her animosity, remembering: The first week I said, “I don’t believe that there is a God, but if there is he is a real *!%*#.” I didn’t say it for the shock value. It was really what I felt. But as soon as it came out of my mouth, I thought, “What are you going to do with that?” And the leader, with a completely straight face said, “Okay, that’s legitimate.” And then she moved on. I wanted her to say, “Okay, you need to leave.” But she didn’t. And I had that attitude for the first few weeks. I would sit there, arms crossed, and just mad. She gave me space and let me say all of those things. I remember arguing, fighting her tooth and nail.

As the group continued, Jessica experienced a personal, caring interest from the leader—again, not what she expected from a Christian. She said, “Okay, do you want to talk about it?” And we stayed and talked for about two hours. I told her, “You are the first Christian I have ever liked. And I am not even sure that I like you. But I don’t dislike you.” She accepted the awful statements I was making and any arguments I was giving her. I was just being difficult. And when she told her story, she was very honest and real about some struggles she had had that were big by any standards. It wasn’t a story of, this horrible thing happened to me and God was there. For me, what resonated was, ‘I did this and God was there’ because that was more like me—choice after bad choice after bad choice. It was really cool to me that she could just lay it all out there in church with people she didn’t know and be totally confident at the end, ‘I know who I am.’

Jessica’s resistance softened through the following weeks, sensing God’s care and provision during difficult circumstances through the new Christians she had met. A few weeks later, she prayed her first real prayer, the beginning of an earnest search. I prayed, legitimately prayed. It wasn’t like this overwhelming sense of peace where the clouds parted and God spoke to me or anything like that, but it felt like a small loss to me. I now have to let go of all of this stuff that I have held onto for a really long time. This battle is over. When I prayed it was like this, ‘Okay God, I’m not sure if you are listening. I am able to accept that maybe, perhaps you are real that there is something to this or people have told themselves a really, really good lie for thousands of years. I would like to know so either way. I don’t think I hate you anymore.’ That is how it was. I felt, not like peace, but more of a realization within a couple of days of trying to pray that, ‘Okay, if this

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is real, then this is a bigger deal than I ever thought. This is not something that means now I have something different to do on Sundays. This is not something that means that I have a different group of friends. This is something that means everything changes.’

And for Jessica, it did. She went on to work for the church she first attended and developed a strong desire to introduce her friends in Eastern religions to Christ. Both surveys and interviews revealed most former atheists in this research were positively influenced towards openness to Christianity through interaction with Christians. On self-report, church attendance (10%), joining in church small groups (14%), and actively ‘joining in religious activities’ served as a convincing component towards conversion for only a small minority (12%). However, one-half of respondents (50%) participated in some form of Christian group activities prior to their religious conversion, ‘belonging before belief.’ They engaged with Christians who neutralized and/ or reversed pre-conceived negative caricatures of religious belief and believers prompting them to reconsider their perspective. Remarkably, eight of ten respondents (82%), a strong majority, reported positive social encounters with a Christian as contributory towards their conversion to Christianity. Of course, these interactions occurred both inside and outside of a church setting. Positive personal experience with religious people (38%), and the ‘loving actions of Christians’ towards them (32%) contributed towards their conversion to Christianity. Anthony confirmed, “I always asked questions about Christianity, but I suppose that questioning turned into a more robust ‘seeking’ after I became close friends with some Christians who had something about them.” For many former atheists in this study, church affiliation or attendance was unthinkable prior to conversion. Four out of every ten (41%) reported to ‘believe before belonging’ to any religious group or joining in any religious activities. Half (50%) did not attend church until after conversion. Although half of the former atheists did not attend or become part of a church before conversion, all of them became an active part of a church after conversion. The majority (three-quarters or more) affiliated with an evangelical form of Protestantism (including five Pentecostal churches) and one-fourth attended mainline congregations (Lutheran, Presbyterian, Methodist, Episcopal). Despite belonging to a church, three former atheists clarified that they converted to ‘mere Christianity’ and not to a church denomination. Charles strongly resisted the suggestion that his conversion was related to any particular church group, stating,



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No specific form of Catholicism or Protestantism played any part in my conversion—simply C.S. Lewis’s presentation of orthodox Christian truth (like the Nicene Creed) common to all the mainstream denominations—hence the title of his book Mere Christianity. The ‘church’ in any traditional institutional sense played no role in my conversion. Quite the opposite, in fact. What, I’m sure, did play a role in my conversion, were the prayers over a period of about 4 months of my future wife’s Christian friends, and attendance at an informal evening service in a Christian coffee house where my hostility to church was disarmed by the beauty, physical and spiritual, of the young people present on that occasion, as well as by the lovely music and worship. All this made me willing to set aside my prejudices and start on my journey of open-minded investigation of the truth claims of Christianity, beginning with the works of C.S. Lewis. I began attending church semi-regularly within a few weeks of my conversion, and subsequently, every week after my marriage.

Reading the Bible, exploring church, and meeting Christians all contributed to atheists’ changing their minds and hearts towards belief in the truth and goodness of Christianity. But, for some former atheists, extraordinary spiritual experiences seemed to be what palpably convinced them of the reality of God. SURPRISED BY THE SUPERNATURAL— SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCES AND THE SKEPTIC One of the most unexpected research findings in studying atheist conversions to Christianity was the recounting of religious experiences as a catalyst compelling someone towards an earnest search towards God, causing sudden belief and conversion, or confirming belief in God after conversion. These spiritual experiences were described as an encountering with an independent spiritual being or presence, an unexplainable circumstance apart from the work of God in response to prayer, or as a sudden internal spiritual awareness, impression, or insight as given by God. In other words, these convincing phenomena were experienced as someone or something outside of themselves that was present, interacting, or acting on their behalf; or, a phenomenon was felt or perceived internally through a palpably unique experience, knowledge, or feeling. These experiences typically occurred in response to someone’s openness, prayer, or calling out to God or the spiritual world, finding themselves recipients of extraordinary dreams, visions, or encounters of darkness or light. Six people in this study (12%) encountered unexpected spiritual experiences in response to a prayer, in a desire to know if God is real, leading them towards conversion. As an atheist, Dennis had no place for God in his life or his marriage. When his marriage fell apart, he became open to the

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possibility of God and began to pray. His conversion came suddenly one night through God’s powerful action upon his life during a thunderstorm, what he called God’s powerful ‘act of nature.’ He recalled, “My conversion was sudden and significant. The ‘mystical experience’ I believe was an encounter with the Holy Spirit who opened my eyes and caused an immediate worldview shift and subsequent shifting as prayers were answered.” After a period of questioning, searching, and attending church, Jeremy realized, “If you wait to the point where you are absolutely certain, you are never going to know anything ever. You’re never going to make any progress forward. What dawned on me was, in a worst-case scenario further on down the road, if I find something that discredits it, and I’ll just go back on the hunt. Not a big deal.” That decision led to his first prayer to find out if there was a real, personal God beyond his intellectual concepts. He was met with what he called a “profoundly overwhelming spiritual experience” that immediately led to his conversion: I thought I had strong philosophical and scientific evidence that something existed. It was like walking up to the door of the house. It was like I know something lives there but I have no idea what they are actually like. And so my first prayer was something along the lines of “God, I have no idea of who you are or what you are, and I am not sure one hundred percent that you exist, but if you do, I want to know more about you.” The response there, I still don’t have the tools and the language to fully understand what that was. It wasn’t like these bright flashing lights. I didn’t go into a trance or anything, but it was this really bizarre essence, maybe that door opened a little bit and I thought ‘Wow, here we are shifting away from this academic playground to there’s something deeper going on here.’ I had this very distinct impression that time was either slowing down or stretching out. I was only there in that moment less than a minute certainly. I remember coming out of it feeling dazed, like ‘Oh my goodness, what actually was that?’ There was something physiologically that seemed to be going on there. And I think for me it was, not to be cliché, but this sense of peace. It was like looking at a hazy photograph of a sunset and then pulling down the edge and seeing something that, wait a minute, this thing actually, actually exists in reality. And I remember there was this tremendous sense of awe, an experience that this thing is so much larger than me and is so much more powerful. It was one of those experiences of godly fear. Talk about an existential crisis, it was like this thing can uncreate me! This is this tremendously powerful thing, but it is also this is tremendously good thing. I wasn’t scared in that sense, but very much respecting that this thing is really powerful. If you read a really good poem or you hear an amazing piece of music and it feels like a breath to the soul, just that ‘ahhh’ like ‘that’s just nice.’ That kind of experience is the closest I can get in describing the sensation. This emotional baggage lifted, and my mind was able to slow down and understand when God said, “I Am that I Am.” I thought ‘That’s totally it.’ The profound realness of it—that was incredible.



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After that point, I described myself as a Christian because I was able to see all of these traits of God coming together in the person of Jesus. At that point, I definitely believed.

As an atheist, James was emotionally numb and physically compromised from a destructive lifestyle. At a point of desperation, he “called out to Satan and to God for help” not sure if or which one would respond. He described encounters with both—first with God ,which led to his immediate conversion, and then with Satan, which led him to an earnest desire to bring others to Christ. Here James described his life-changing experience of being in the presence of Jesus: And all of the sudden, it was like a veil was starting to be taken away. I was starting to see things. God is real. I think I’ve known that all along and I’ve suppressed that thought. I hated that thought. I know he existed, but I just hated him. And all of a sudden, this warfare was going on in my mind about it all and the more my cousin talked, the more sense it made. At that point I clearly understood that I was a sinner because I had taken pages from the Bible and ripped them out and use them to roll marijuana joints and persecuted Christians verbally, thought they were complete idiots. And so all of a sudden, I realized if God is real, then I am really, really a bad person, I mean just vile. I am a wicked, wicked sinner. It was just crystal-clear. I didn’t think there was anything whatsoever good in me at all. At this time, the room filled with light, and it was an amazing kind of light. It was a light that I had never seen before. The light was alive. The light had power. The light was full of love. It was the most wonderful thing to see. And as I was feeling this, I felt so sinful. If there was a trap door that just opened directly to Hell, it would be 100% justified, it would be totally right. But just as I was feeling this extreme sin, at the same moment this light came and spoke to me. I didn’t see the form, but I heard the voice audibly, it said, “I forgive you.” And 42 years later, I still cry when I think about it. When I heard that, I just collapsed. I fell on the floor, and I was bawling my eyes out. ‘You forgive me?’ Then I understood what love and salvation were all about. I understood that Jesus was fully perfect and that was 100% truth. And, I didn’t know how to say, “Jesus come into my heart.” I just knew that I was giving him my heart. And, when I came out of it and I looked at my cousin—I was totally biblically illiterate, and I said, “I am a completely different person. I am completely different! And I am going to live the rest of my life for Jesus Christ because I know He is the truth.” So, that is what I’ve been trying to do since.

The subsequent encounter with Satan one week later was highly vivid in description1 and powerful towards informing his personal life direction (against Satan, for God), serving as a Christian missionary since those experiences. Similarly, in a moment of despair former atheist Scott cried out and encountered an overwhelming ‘out of body experience’ after which

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he was convinced of God’s reality and loving presence. He describes this life-changing moment: At that moment, it was so heavy on my soul that I just cried out of my soul, not to God because I didn’t believe in God. As I cried out in complete desperation, my soul left my body and that’s when I had an out of body experience. I felt like I was in Jesus’ hand at that moment, and I saw my whole life coming in front of my eyes. It was better than a Hollywood movie. It was so beautiful! I don’t know how long it lasted because once you are out of your body there is no concept of time. There is no time, so it lasted like it was hours but at the same time when I came back to my body it was instantaneous. I saw my whole life and how God had walked with me and carried me through my whole life. And all the moments when I felt were the loneliest times of my life how God had been there for me and walked with me. Try to explain to me how someone goes from being one second one of the most lonely, most depressed person in the world to the next second to being the most fulfilled and the most happy and at peace person in the world. How do you explain that? Go ahead. Try. You can’t! So, when I came back to my body, I was born again. I was absolutely a new creation. A new heart. As a matter of fact, my heart was so full of love, I couldn’t stop crying. I had to unbutton my shirt. I thought it was going to explode out of my chest! I was so filled with joy and love and peace.

Since this experience, Scott has remained a joy-filled advocate for the One who gave him life. For others, however, the spiritual experience was not in response to a prayer or searching but was completely unexpected. Melissa left her Christian faith behind and became a convinced atheist nearly at the cost of her marriage. Apologetics arguments did not and could not convince her of God’s reality. However, she described a simultaneous moment of catalyst and conversion in response to a convincing spiritual encounter: “I was not an atheist for most of the religious, mystical experience. How long do you think it took Paul to change his mind after Jesus appeared to him on the road?” Since that time, she has not wavered in her belief in God or the truth of Christianity. Another atheist, Susan, was completely disinterested in God despite her Christian friend’s attempt to share the gospel with her. When she was asked whether she was seeking God prior to her conversion, Susan adamantly asserted, “No. Never. Never.” However, one night she was awakened out of deep sleep and was compelled to turn on the television to watch an old evangelistic crusade. She ‘heard the gospel’ and suddenly believed, describing an extraordinary other-worldly sensation accompanying her conversion: It was definitely a supernatural experience. The word ‘condemned’ popping into my head. I never had an experience like that again nor do I expect to. It is hard to describe. You experience it once and you don’t know what is going to happen. It was like nothing that I had ever, ever felt before. When I read about Pentecost,



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I think, ‘Gee, that’s probably how they felt.’ I felt a warmth, Oh, a warmth! It was almost a heat. But it was wonderful, a heat more than warmth. It was a real comforting peaceful feeling. It wasn’t like it burned or anything that like. It was wonderful! Just for a moment. The whole thing was so fast—in the blink of an eye. I am still just stunned by the whole thing.

Acknowledging the supernatural nature of her conversion, she stated, “It was incredibly radical and there was nothing going on in my life. I wasn’t lying in the gutter with a needle in my arm or anything. That’s how I always thought all of this stuff happened.” Susan was one among three former atheists who reported experiencing an unexpected awakening from sleep or changing their normal activity, compelled towards unusual action (turning on an evangelical television show and finding themselves ‘accepting Jesus Christ as their personal Savior’) after which they also reported significant life change (sudden cessation of drug, alcohol, tobacco use or additive gambling after years of abuse, sudden desire towards seeking knowledge of God through Bible study). If God objectively exists and can interact with creation, then it remains a viable possibility that a spiritual experience with God can quickly change someone towards belief, from unwillingness to willingness, from addictions to freedom. Spiritual encounters after conversion also served as experiential confirmation of belief. After ‘trying on’ Christianity through attending church with his wife for several months and coming to believe it was true, Todd reported that an unexpected spiritual experience affirmed his new belief in God. He described his experience: I was sitting in [a non-charismatic] church on a Sunday. Church was very routine. We had been coming for 3–4 years and I had decided to try the Christianity thing sincerely. I was completely disconnected emotionally, mentally, and intellectually from everything that was going on. It was just going through the motions. They sang a song at the end, and the song hits this peak and at that moment, I don’t know if I heard it or felt it, but it was like a snap, and I lost all of my motor skills. I collapsed into my chair, and I fell forward, and tears just started pouring out of my eyes. I felt this like warmth and peace and this like sensation blow into the auditorium, like I felt it was everywhere. It was all around me. All of my nerves were turned upside down. I felt like an inverted porcupine, like when your foot falls to sleep, a prickly sensation, but everywhere. I felt like I had been electrocuted. I grabbed my wife’s hand because I thought something was wrong with me. I had lost all of my motor skills, so I grabbed her hand and I squeezed. The song finished because it was almost done, and slowly as the song finished, I was able to sit up and felt like I was really weak, like exercising or something like that. When I was incapacitated, I felt the words. I had a feeling or an impression that if I could put it to words it would

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say, “Everything is going to be okay.” These words of comfort. I just stood in the corner and knew that I had just had some spiritual experience.

As a child, religion was foreign to Sean, including prayer, Jesus, God, and the gospel. He began studying the Bible and attending church in response to a challenge from a Christian co-worker and became surprisingly convinced of the reality of God and the truth of Christianity. One year after his conversion, Sean described a spiritual experience after prayer: And there was one time when I could physically feel God’s arms wrapped around me somehow. I could feel it. It was another one of those rock-bottom places for me. It was after a really hard breakup. I had lost my job. I was glad that I lost my job because I spent eight months unemployed, studying the Bible . . . I prayed, “God help me to be good like you are good.” I just realized how terrible I was, and how good and gracious and loving God is. My roommate had come out, hard-core Christian, and had prayed with me, “God, I just pray that you would rid any evil, would cast out any evil from Sean’s heart and mind, whatever darkness that is in him, cast it out in the name of Jesus.” And it worked. I could feel it physically. It was the strangest thing. It was the darndest thing. I could physically feel this hard pain in my heart just [poof]. It was so weird, and I never would have believed that . . . Until it happen[ed] to me. I just remember while I was crying and being prayed for then I started laughing with joy, thinking, ‘Wow, I feel like a human again.’ I remember feeling these arms just wrap around me, physically being held. I could feel the warmth and everything. It was the strangest sensation. That’s the only time it has ever really happened to me. It hasn’t happened since. But in that moment, I just knew that God loved me like a father, and he had me in his arms.

At the Conversion Stage, 22–44% of respondents reported a spiritual experience as influential towards their belief in God and conversion to Christianity. Overall, more than one-third (36%) reported some form of religious experience as attracting them towards or convincing them of the truth of Christianity including those that are felt or perceived internally. Of that group, two-thirds (65%) described an inner spiritual conviction as a form of spiritual experience,2 a phenomenon worth exploring particularly at the point of conversion. SENSING THE SUPERNATURAL—COMPELLING INNER SPIRITUAL CONVICTION Internal spiritual experiences were described by many in this research who sensed a strong inner spiritual response (personal conviction, awe, insight, emotion, unusual sense of compelling towards prayer, action) towards the



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person of God (Holy Spirit, Jesus) or through the words of God (Bible). These spiritual experiences were often described as a compelling response to the holy presence of God or moral conviction of the Holy Spirit upon their lives prompting repentance and religious conversion. After coming to a point of intellectual belief in God, Aaron described his subsequent inner spiritual conviction: I got to a point where I was persuaded that the resurrection [was true] and reading the Gospels and I had to do something about it. I knew too much to go back. I remember thinking ‘I think this is true.’ I got to the point where I felt convicted of the way I lived, and I needed to be made right with God. That conviction compelled me to repent to God to say sorry for the way I lived, for him to rid me of these selfish desires and try and live more for him. So that was my experience in a sense. I didn’t have a mystical experience. It was the cherry on the cake at the end because it wasn’t purely rational. I arrived at a rational conclusion, but it was combining the two and a sense that it made intellectual and emotional sense to repent. I felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit and I felt compelled to respond to that. Then experience makes sense in the context of Christianity being true.

Matthew described his “really real” encounter with the Holy Spirit through investigating the evidence for Christianity and reading the Bible: At that point, the Holy Spirit just really convicted me. I could really sense that He was present and, in the room, and real. It was a religious experience and at that point, the whole thing that I had been thinking about all the time—there is no meaning to life, and it is all transitory and passes away and everything, and then there’s this. And, I don’t want to say physically sense, but really sense a presence here. So, at that point I repented and got on my knees, and I don’t even remember what I said, but at that point I was different. I was changed. I believe that is when I was born again. I would call it a religious experience. It seemed really real. I was becoming more and more open to Christianity and having that experience, it was unmistakable. I felt forgiveness. It was like a two-ton weight just lifted off of my shoulders. It was just a real strong sense of forgiveness and ‘ahhh, like wow, this is really real, not just a fairy tale.’ I was shocked and overwhelmed.

The sobering inner experience of personal accountability and moral culpability before a transcendent yet personal Holy God marked a momentous change and point of conversion, particularly as expressed by twenty (20) study participants during interviews.3 Carl felt the weight of his prolonged years of poor choices and need for God: In all of this, I had a love for the truth and the truth was that I was a compulsive, gambling, lying alcoholic. This was a sin addiction. I fully realize that.

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All of a sudden, I was convicted by the reality of God and by my sin at 7:30 in the morning going down the highway. The conviction was of the sort that this realization came bubbling up from my subconscious into my conscious mind. I had been going to church with my wife primarily to get her off of my back about the drinking and the gambling that she knew about. I couldn’t wait to get out of church every Sunday and go to the golf course and do my favorite thing. But God had been convicting me subconsciously about his reality and about my sin. So, I literally cried out to God at that point, and I didn’t promise anything. I turned my life over to him as I understood him. I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior as I understood Him. I confessed my sins as I understood them. I did not promise anything other than that the next moment I would submit to God’s will the next moment, because I didn’t know if I could make it two moments.

Carl never returned to alcohol or gambling and went on to study and teach about the reality of God. As seen in these stories, spiritual experiences are often accompanied by heightened emotional responses. As an atheist, Don reluctantly attended a religious retreat at the invitation of a friend. He initially “felt nothing” in response to what he was being taught, but later experienced an uncontrollable deluge of emotion as he encountered a spiritual renewal: Whatever I was feeling, this thing rising in me, I took three or four rolls of toilet paper and I rushed to this little chapel and the door was opened but I couldn’t find the light switch. I couldn’t find my way around. Eventually I found the light switch and I got down on my knees and that was it. Everything, just everything came out. I virtually saw my life flash, but the bad parts of my life flashed. I cried and cried and cried for three hours. It just wouldn’t stop. It was the most incredible sadness I’ve ever felt in my life. It was a massive purge. I was on my knees, and I was just saying, ‘I can’t believe what is happening. I don’t know what is happening.’ Later I started feeling better and, I thought, ‘Okay. This is bigger than me.’ And I looked up and said, ‘Lord, if you exist, show me now. I want to know.’ And the halo on the oil painting lit up. That’s all I could see was the halo. It lit up. It was like someone had a light beam behind it. I thought this was someone playing a trick on me. When I went back, it must have been 4 o’clock in the morning, I felt like a new person, like someone had taken a brush, shoved it down my throat and cleaned out everything.

Three former skeptics described a palpable sense of heaviness, weight, or darkness they carried as atheists palpably removed from them during or immediately following conversion. After reading a book, The Battle for the Mind, Tom felt the dark implications of his own atheism as a physical pain in his chest. But after conversion, it left. He recalls,



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Well, I hear what the book is saying, and I don’t like that. It actually put a physical pain in my chest. It was there for several months. And then one night, I picked up a book that my atheist sister had given me called Mere Christianity. It was making sense—the proofs for the existence of God, the conscience that he has put in our heart. I know that’s there and that’s proof of God’s existence. There was this battle going on in my mind. I felt like I was hanging onto something, trying to let go and saying, ‘Okay, I believe I am a sinner and I deserve to go to hell and Jesus died for my sins and I trust you with my life.’ That is when the little pain here [pointing to his chest] left and it never came back.

Throughout the last few chapters, we’ve seen how former atheists moved from disbelief to belief and conversion through various particular influences, experiences, investigations, and encounters, both natural and divine. Next, we will consider the integrated nature of these variables and what it means to change stories of reality from a life without God to a whole different way of seeing and living. NOTES 1. James’ description of his encounter with Satan: “I also met the devil after that. I was in the apartment. It was about a week later, and I woke up in the middle of the night at 3 o’clock in the morning. I wasn’t on drugs or anything. I was completely straight. This experience is a once in a lifetime–type experience that you will never forget that was incredible because it wasn’t a dream. It was a vision with my eyes open, sitting on the bed. I was completely awake. I was 100% awake. It was 3 o’clock in the morning, and it wasn’t like, it wasn’t something that I was imagining or anything else because it was totally out of the blue, totally out of the blue. It didn’t have anything to do with anything I was thinking about or anything. It just woke me up. I was sitting on my bed and what began to happen was more real than real because I was seeing things that were happening in the spirit world that were not physically visible, but when you see them in the spirit, you know they are real. The room faded away and there I was sitting on the bed and the room was gone. And the room was filled with smoke. It was the opposite of the light that I experience with the Lord. There was this smoke in the room and it was the most incredibly sickening horrific type of smoke because it was some kind of, it affected me because I didn’t know there was such a place that I could be affected in such a fashion. I was like, wow, what is this I am feeling? It is not good. And I look at what I saw was a sea of people, a panorama of people walking shoulder to shoulder, a wide group, 20 people shoulder to shoulder going straight ahead. They were clearly from all walks of life, just laborers, teachers, doctors, lawyers, janitors, everybody, the full spectrum walking in unison. As I was watching the thing, I was thinking, why isn’t anyone even looking around? They are all just looking straightforward at one another. And I had the distinct impression that the only reason

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they are going this direction is because everyone else is doing it. Everyone else is doing it because their friend is doing it. They weren’t thinking about what they were doing. They were just doing what comes naturally, what was expected of them in life. And, as they were walking, I could see that there was an edge, where the road just ended, the huge sidewalk just ended and fell over the edge. And that was where the smoke was coming from is because when they fell, they were screaming. And then, when they hit the bottom, the smoke would rise up. And then I said, this is really strange. These people are going over this cliff and they don’t even see it, but they are all doing the same thing. And I looked, and on a knoll over on the side there was a dark figure standing on the knoll with his arms stretched out in the direction that they were going. And it seemed like he put his arms out, and they were in the power of, he was saying, this is the way to go. And, on his arms were snakeskins, all along his arm. It was clear to me. These people were all doing this because everyone else was doing it. They weren’t even thinking about it. They weren’t thinking about their lives. They weren’t thinking about the direction they were going. They weren’t thinking about the meaning of life or anything. Then we’re just thinking about money, things, life, because everyone else does it. And I could see that they were being directed by this creature on the knoll, on the hill, and that they were under his power. And I thought, okay, these people are going to hell. The guy on the knoll, he’s got to be the devil. And as soon as I said that he turned around and looked at me and started walking towards me. And the experience was like, instead of having a face, he had a vortex. It was the opposite of the light that gives life. It was a vortex that sucks you into hell. It was a vortex of blackness. It was distinctly Satan. Because, when you see him, it is not like he needs identification. Just like when I met the Lord, it wasn’t like I said, ‘Is this an angel?’ No, you don’t say that you just know who it is. His essence, his spirit spoke volumes. And he was speaking to me in the language of the spirit. The words were coming out, like audible words, but the words of the spirit were where you could speak volumes in seconds because it just says so much more. I think when we finally get to heaven our language will be inadequate compared to that. Anyways, he [Satan] was telling me as he was walking towards me. He said, ‘I hate you so much and I am going to kill your soul.’ I realized while he was saying this that I have a soul. And, if someone had thrown me into a tank of great white sharks, that would have been a huge relief compared to what I was feeling. Because I was feeling but I had never felt that I had a soul and I didn’t know that the soul could be actually extinguished, could be killed, could be tormented. And it was like the most horrific feeling that I could possibly ever imagine. And I was trying to scream, but no screams were coming out and he was walking towards me, and the fear was so intense, and he came towards me, saying these words over and over again. He came within about 2 mm from touching me and the whole time I was saying . . . I didn’t know how to say, ‘I rebuke you Satan in Jesus’ name.’ I was just saying, ‘Jesus, Jesus, Jesus,’ and he was gone. But it really was Satan. It left me with the distinct impression, not only was Jesus 100% the truth but Satan was 100% real and the whole world, like I John 5:19 says ‘lies and wickedness are under his control.’ So that was that.”



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2. Data analysis revealed the Spiritual Experiential subcategory was predominantly Spiritual Experiential internal (SEi) in nature, comprising nearly two-thirds (65%). Total Spiritual Experiential internal (SEi) included High SEi/Low SEe (41%) plus High SEi/High SEe (24%). Spiritual Experiential external (SEe) were reported by approximately one-third of respondents (36%) of those who reported some form of religious experience. Total Spiritual Experiential external (SEe) included High SEe/ Low SE(i) (12%) plus High SE(e)/High SE(i) (24%). One-quarter of those within Substance-reported religious experiences (24%) reported encountering both internal and external occurrences (High SEi / High SEe). Approximately one-quarter of subjects within Substance category (24%) reported little/no religious experiences (Low SEi or Low SEe). 3. Repentance is generally part of the religious conversion process as understood within orthodox Christianity. Although twenty subjects particularly verbalized this experience, it is presumed that most if not all subjects experienced perhaps an unstated repentance, understanding their personal need for forgiveness and salvation as provided through the person and action of Jesus Christ.

Chapter Nine

‌‌‌‌‌Putting the Pieces Together The Complexity of Conversion

Through capturing the voices of converts themselves, we’ve been able to appreciate the uniqueness and individuality of converts yet also see patterns and progressions from disbelief to belief. In light of the demands of ‘thick’ religious conversion, this research sought to determine the matrix of influences motivating conversion from atheism to Christianity. In this chapter, first we are going to summarize the varied influences prompting atheists to convert to Christianity, then consider the shift in motivations from the Catalyst to the Conversion Stages. Next, we will begin to put the pieces together beyond isolated stages of the conversion process to recognize the integrated nature of conversion, comparing this research to former study as well as potential implications towards future considerations of religious conversion. Finally, based upon the information gathered through this research, we will consider a more holistic approach to conversion through a visual model, helping us conceptualize the multiple influences and process of transformation. WHY DO ATHEISTS CONVERT TO CHRISTIANITY?— MOVING TOWARDS BELIEF AND TRUST Within the Christian worldview, conversion is a mysterious process whereby new spiritual life in the convert is birthed. It is a divinely orchestrated phenomenon that cannot be reduced to its parts but also requires a willing participation in the one who believes and gives his or her life to God. That being said, it is good to appreciate the ways and means God uses in bringing those who were once resistant to personal trust in Jesus Christ, the different influences and motivations that compelled them to belief and surrender. From the findings in this study, it is clear that in order for an atheist to become a Christian the convert must be convinced that their conversion is based upon 147

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what is true and real, not contrived or imagined. Otherwise, they wouldn’t convert. According to their own self-assessment, their reasons for conversion are many and varied, but what stands out as most prominent is a high confidence and trust in its truth. That is, the intellectual component of grounded belief became more important over time during the questing and conversion process, while other motivating factors sustained but became less important. These survey findings affirmed a dominant influence of intellectual as well as the spiritual components at the Conversion Stage while still combined with personal, experiential, and social factors as seen in the table below:

Figure 9.1. 2019 Harmon—Former Atheists’ Reasons for Conversion—Conversion Stage (N = 50)



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When questionnaire results (self-analysis) were compared with interviews (story analysis), intellectual and spiritual motivations were still confirmed as essential for most converts at conversion. Of course, the Conversion Stage is only one part of the conversion process. By this time, converts have moved through a journey of change, from resistance or neutrality towards openness and questing, and then finally belief and personal acceptance. When we step back and look at the Catalyst as compared to Conversion stages, a more complete picture emerges as primary motivations change over time. In both survey and interview descriptive analyses, intellectual belief was reported to be an essential element at the Conversion Stage for the strong majority of converts. That is, while potential converts were initially attracted to or became open towards spirituality and God due to more personal, subjective reasons (as good or relevant to their lives), as they continued in their search towards and belief in God and Christianity, the issue of the truth of religious belief and the reality of God became much more important. In the chart below, notice the prominence and primacy of ‘Function’ factors (personal, social, experiential) at the Catalyst Stage, noticeably reduced at the Conversion Stage:

Figure 9.2. Survey and Interview Comparison of Substance and Function Motivations. Created by author.

On the other hand, while ‘Substance’ components (intellectual and spiritual) are less important at the Catalyst Stage, they become prominent, either in isolation or when combined with other influences at the Conversion Stage. More specifically, at the Catalyst Stage potential converts were primarily

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motivated towards openness to God due to more personal, social, experiential reasons (‘Function’) either alone (33–71%) or in combination with intellectual and/or spiritual reasons (‘Both’) (18–49%). While it may be easy to presume that an atheist would first become motivated towards openness and searching by solely rational reasons, at the Catalyst Stage very few became open to consider belief based upon intellectual or spiritual grounds alone (8–10%). If intellectual considerations were in play, they were usually in combination with some other functional motivation. To reiterate, this is an interesting finding in light of atheistic tendencies to dismiss belief in God primarily on rational, intellectual grounds. Most become open because something about belief in God, Christianity, and/or Christians became personally appealing as potentially good or relevant, or at least a potential option based upon their own circumstances, longings, and relationships. Due to a disruption, they were driven towards a new idea which they found challenging or even attractive. At the Quest and Conversion Stages, however, grounding the truths of God and Christianity became more important. Intellectual belief in combination with the compelling nature of spiritual experiences became more central over time, especially with and surrounding conversion. The need for believing what was true and real was of vital importance, not merely ‘what worked’ for them. Potential converts became motivated by intellectual and spiritual motivations either as a sole driver (‘Substance Only’) (18–39%) or in combination with other personal, social, or experiential reasons (‘Both’) (57–76%) whereas solely functional reasons (‘Function’) for conversion dramatically dropped (2–4%). Importantly, the integration of Function and Substance elements strengthened at the Conversion Stage. Survey data confirmed 94% of participants included Substance as a viable part of conversion and interview data demonstrated a comparable 96% who considered Substance as an influential part of their conversion process (when ‘Substance Only’ and ‘Both’ were combined). The overwhelming majority of participants (49/50) affirmed Substance (in addition to or absent of Functional influence) at the Conversion Stage. Again, this change in primary motivations from Catalyst to Conversion Stages makes sense in light of the need for the convert to not merely believe that belief was good and relevant to their lives but was objectively real and true. Many participants expressed the need for grounding ‘true belief.’ Greg stated, “If Christianity was true, I had to know it was absolutely true in my mind from an intellectual point of view because I was so wary of being self-deceived that I wanted to have every question answered basically.” For Daniel, truth was more important than functional benefits of religious belief, saying, “It doesn’t matter whether it makes you feel happy or makes you feel good or anything else. It matters if it is true and that is all that matters. Nothing



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else matters. Everything else is a secondary consideration. My worldview has changed, but my desire for living for what is true remains.” Amanda also confirmed the need for her to believe what was true, emphasizing, “I would say at bottom, I had a commitment to truth. As an atheist, I didn’t believe in Christianity because I didn’t believe it was true. I didn’t have a dysfunctional childhood or had some bad experiences. It was because I literally just didn’t think it was true. I wanted to believe what was true. And so, when it became clear that I was in error about my atheistic worldview, I accepted it. It was humbling and unpleasant, but I would still accept it.” Converts maintained that truth grounding Christianity was critical because of the demands and consequences. Affirmation and acceptance of belief content presumed a required devotion of life—not merely a change of worldview but an entire change of thinking and living. Within the context of this research, participants viewed religious conversion as entailing a conversion of life. Christopher explained: It is a tumultuous thing to change your entire worldview. It’s like stepping into another world because the way you perceive everything changes. So, I understand why people are reluctant about wanting to switch their worldview one way or other. If you go from believing that there’s no objective moral duties to believing that there are these duties binding upon you then that’s an enormous shift in the way that you think about everything you do or say or think. To go in another direction, people are cautious about even considering something that could potentially change their life that much.

Functional elements also validated Christian truths (such as ‘felt’ human value, dignity, purpose, free will, consciousness, personhood, beauty, desire for love, belonging, acceptance, goodness, and justice all found justified within the Christian worldview) which could not be grounded within naturalistic atheism. These existential truths grounded in the Christian story cohered with and provided good explanatory power for human experience, providing a practical, livable worldview. The over-arching ‘master story’ offered meaning and coherence to thinking and living, provided structure onto which adherents “reinterpreted their lives” (Milton 2013), “linked their own lives” (DufaultHunter 2012), and “understood God’s work in the world” (Goldberg 2001). Together, Substance and Function influences mutually reinforced the truths of Christianity and served as convincing motivators towards Conversion.1 That is, they found belief in God and Christianity as personally convincing spiritually, intellectually, and existentially. The Christian worldview provided a comprehensive, cohesive explanation for thinking and living that matched with real experience and observation of themselves and the world around them. Altogether, these findings confirm

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the complex, integrated nature of religious conversion. Justin articulated the need for a combination of intellectual, emotional, experiential, and spiritual influences in the religious conversion process: My conversion has both the intellectual component of understanding those matters and those strong emotional, experiential components of receiving those truths for myself—which, by God’s grace happened both at the same time. I asked every once and a while, “Well which one was most important?” I think it would be very unwise to compare them and say one has to be more important than the other because I am convinced that both are absolutely essential to any conversion. That is, if you don’t have the intellectual aspect, that you might have this spiritual experience of some sort that it is not going to carry you through difficult times and you think if I don’t have any good reasons to believe that God exists or that the Bible is true or that Jesus is who he claimed to be in my experience is going to be just that, an experience. But on the other hand, if it is purely intellectual, then you are not a Christian. Just intellectual belief that there is one God, and that Jesus is who he claimed to be doesn’t make one a Christian. James tells us very clearly that even the demons believe this much. So, there is this change of heart, changes of emotion, an existential cry out to God. ‘I understand intellectually that the gospel is true, but please give me your salvation freely the way that you promised that you would.’ And so those two things happened about at the same time when my intellectual barriers were starting to break down, some of my questions were starting to be answered. But at the same time there was this experiential, strong recollection of the central thing that I had done that God just brought back into my face and crippled me with guilt to be in a place where I would understand—‘Yeah, well, guilt, that’s the problem. And the answer to guilt is not denial but forgiveness.’ And so, I received the gospel because I realized it was not just true, but it was needed.

Post-conversion, these converts demonstrated high commitment level to their new-found faith in Christianity. A strong allegiance to Christ, their new beliefs, identity, purposes, life experiences, community, and commitment reflected the enormity of their shift from atheism to Christianity as followers of Christ. This was evidenced in their decisions towards ways of living as ‘genuine’ Christians, continued intellectual and religious study (formal or informal), and active involvement in ministry (voluntary or vocational). Their language reflected a sense of ‘whole life’ conversion, and not simply a religious affiliation or church membership. Rather, their worldview shift changed their ‘whole world.’ After conversion, Michelle’s life has been fully redirected towards God and God-centered perspective and purposes as “everything” as compared to any reductionist or nominal form of Christianity. She explains,



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American Christianity becomes all about a system in your head, and maybe about managing your emotions. And if it’s that, it’s a lot more susceptible to being dismissed if it’s just an intellectual system. But it’s not. It’s everything. It’s the way the universe works. There is nothing that is left out of this system. Whether or not it is mentioned in the Bible or not it’s all part of our faith. And I think that holistic view, the completeness of it, when someone actually gets that, it’s like ‘Okay, this makes sense.’ This is why Christianity is true and not Islam, Judaism is partially true, right, because we are the fulfilment of Judaism, or Buddhism, they all have glimpses of the truth but it’s not just a question of which one I like better. It’s like, ‘No, Christ is the Logos. This is the center. This is everything. This is the cosmic system.’ It’s just fantastic, right?

The next chapter is dedicated to showing the fully orbed transformation that took place in the lives of those in this study. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? CHANGING STORIES OF REALITY—THE HOLISTIC CONVERSION PROCESS Now that we’ve taken a broader look at religious conversion in a group of former atheists, there are a few theories and thoughts about their journeys that we can question or confirm. As considered in the first chapter, a functional approach to religious conversion dominates conversion literature although some acknowledge it as a dynamic, multi-dimensional, integrated phenomenon. This research concurred with voices in the social sciences revealing particular aspects of human nature (psycho-emotional), and human experience (cultural, social, experiential), human intellect, and spiritual experience all contribute towards religious conversion. However, this research differs from their emphases of these components in their isolated roles and calls for a comprehensive conception of religious conversion with each variable as part of a whole, integrated conversion process. In-depth data analysis in this research confirmed statistical significance of this finding along with a comprehensive integration of factors informing religious conversion.2 More than that, converts placed high value on objective truth, the reality of their new beliefs and spiritual experiences, that they would not convert unless they believed God to be real and Christianity to be true. While attraction to or desire for social, experiential, psychological benefit may have opened the door towards looking beyond atheism, those desires were not strong enough in and of themselves to move converts towards conversion. Rather, substance of belief, through intellectual and spiritual components, was the primary compelling and convincing influences towards

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conversion, either alone or in combination with functional benefit for the overwhelming majority of respondents in this research. In light of these findings, the question becomes not whether both Function and Substance are part of the conversion process but rather ‘to what extent?’ and ‘in what way?’ A thick description of conversion commends a thick, multifaceted explanation. A holistic, integrated understanding of belief formation and change makes sense in light of conversion generally and in atheistic conversion to Christianity specifically. Just as it is not surprising that atheists are not a monolithic group but are each unique in beliefs and experiences and present a variety of reasons for disbelief, we can similarly expect an array of reasons in any infinite combination that can and do bring someone towards a place of searching and eventual belief. That is not to say, as we have seen through this research, that patterns towards disbelief and belief can emerge. But this is simply to reiterate that certain all-encompassing social and/or psychological theories of conversion are not adequate to explain the complexity of religious conversion. While theories may and do explain pieces and parts of individuals’ motivations to reject or eventually accept belief in God and Christianity, we have learned that reductionistic approaches do not allow for the fullness and individuality of religious conversion. Rather, this research shows that motivations against and towards conversion actually can and do change over time within a dynamic, integrated process. To further illustrate, even those stories in this research which tended towards more intellectually or personally driven motivations show a mixture of influences throughout the conversion process. As an example, Nicholas provided the strongest conversion narrative as predominantly intellectual in nature. His self-written summary helps us appreciate the primacy of rationality and thinking in his conversion process: [Atheism Stage] My mother has always been LDS and encouraged her children (3 total) to become LDS as well. My father used to be a Christian (Lutheran) and encouraged us to become Christian. All through my childhood, the kids would switch off going to church with one parent one week, then the other parent the next week. When I was 14, I decided God didn’t exist and stopped going to church altogether. When I was 16, my father became a full-blown atheist which had some influence on my atheistic beliefs. My uncle has his PhD in theology from the University of Oxford. He never pressured me or engaged me in religious discussions unless I asked. [Catalyst/Quest Stages] One day, I asked him to recommend a book on what he thinks was the best historical evidence for Christ’s death and resurrection. After I read it, my entire world of atheism came crashing down. As an atheist, I no longer had a rational argument for why Christ couldn’t have resurrected. I found myself making up reasons why the resurrection couldn’t be true, sometimes coming up with bizarre theories to explain why people claimed to have seen Christ resurrected, that Christ had a twin brother or Christ faked his death,



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Figure 9.3. Integrated Conversion Chart, Nicholas. Created by author.

etc. [Conversion Stage] Eventually, I realized I wasn’t accepting the evidence rationally. I prayed and became a Christian. My journey to Christianity was 99% logical rather than emotional. I needed to ‘feel’ like my Christian beliefs had ‘real world’ application and made sense logically and rationally.

Despite Nicholas’s self-perceived ‘99% logical conversion,’ the chart above reveals  various influences (through narrative analysis of his more complete interview story3) demonstrating factors beyond intellectual consideration as present before, during, and after conversion. Here you can appreciate issues of identity, purpose, experience, and social community along with intellect all contributed to his overall transformation from atheism to Christianity. By comparison, Barbara’s conversion was the outlier on the opposite end of the spectrum, heavily driven by social motivations, as seen here in her self-written description of conversion. Yet, issues relating to understanding and accepting belief claims of the Bible and Christianity came into play and were a part of the process as well (as analyzed through her full interview).4 [Atheism Stage:] I grew up in a home in which we all went to church, claimed many Christian beliefs & practices and where most people around us did the same thing. However, we weren’t encouraged to study the Bible, invite others to church, or deepen or share our faith in any way. At 18, I went off to college and was exposed to other beliefs and worldviews. Although I joined a Methodist sorority, this was a time when churches were becoming more liberal, and it

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became fashionable to claim little or no belief in God. As a nursing major, I studied various science & social science courses & did lots of reading. By 19, many of my childhood beliefs & practices seemed irrelevant. At 20 I married a young man whom I met at a nearby Air Force base. If I hadn’t done that my ‘social consciousness’ was ‘raised’ to where I might have gone to Alabama that summer to register black people to vote! The hippie movement & other causes were just beginning on my campus. We moved to Calif. and had 2 sons. We continued an atheistic lifestyle, barely even recognizing Easter or Christmas! During that time, I had little exposure to Christians or Christianity. I remember attending a church service with some friends & later had a Christian friend who was more outspoken about her faith & told me she was praying for me. For our last 2 years there, we were part of a humanist group called Creative Initiative Foundation which believed in the acceptance of ALL major world religions! We were also caught up in the emerging environmental movement. [Catalyst Stage:] After 10 years, we moved to a new state and into a new subdivision near a new & growing church. My sons had been to church with some friends in California, so they asked to go in Georgia! [Conversion Stage:] Through the preaching of God’s Word, friendship of some people & Bible study, I accepted Jesus as Savior in 1975!

Barbara’s chart below reflects a heavy cultural influence as shaping her atheism and even providing motivation for her children going to church in a new more Christian-saturated community. However, once she was exposed to the teachings of the Bible, she became a Christian and it became a major part of her identity and purpose after conversion.

Figure 9.4. Integrated Conversion Chart, Barbara. Created by author.



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Both Nicholas’s and Barbara’s narratives illustrated integration of influences throughout the conversion process. In fact, every conversion narrative displayed a profile inclusive of substantive (intellectual and/or spiritual) and functional (personal, social, and/or experiential) influences, although unique to each individual. The results confirmed not whether both Substance and Function influences were evident, but when and in what particular form throughout the conversion process. Interestingly, all variables increased over time. That is, the highest integration of mixed variables was consistently observed at the Post-Conversion Stage. Through the narrative analysis of atheist conversion stories,5 we were able to observe the integrated nature of Substance and Function variables in the conversion process, most prominently at the Post-Conversion Stage in agreement with prior mixed-method data analysis in this study. Further, this in-depth research of fifty former atheists generally agrees with Langston’s 2019 study of 111 internet stories of converted atheists. Both studies confirm the integrated nature of religious conversion as well as the positive inclusion of intellectual and spiritual experiential components. Langston found high individual variability of influences, although with ten major recurring themes as contributing towards conversion. Nearly identical percentages of Substance themes (Intellectualism, Numinous Experiences) as well as Function themes (Authentic Example, ContraAtheism) were observed in both studies:

Table

9.1. Atheist Conversion Research - Langston/Harmon Comparison Summary

RESEARCH COMPARISON6 Atheist Conversion to Christianity Langston et al. 2019 111 online narratives

Harmon 2019 50 surveys

1

Ritual Behaviors (prayer, church attendance, reading the Bible)

53%

Religious Activities (church attendance)

12%

2

Intellectualism (study of philosophy, science, apologetics)

50%

Intellectual

50%

3

Numinous Experiences (mysterious supernatural events, inexplicable events)

45%

Spiritual Experience

44%

4

Social Ties (interpersonal influences and relationships)

44%

Social Interaction

20%

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5

Hardship (negative life circumstances)

39%

Personal Life Crisis

16% 18%

6

Un-/Pseudo Familiarity with Christianity or Christians (negative/ambiguous preconceptions diffused)

33%

Positive Experience with Religious People

38%

7

Openness to Experience (willingness to consider Christian truth)

30%

Open Willingness

38%–48%

8

Authentic Example (interpersonal experiences of authentic Christians)

28%

Loving Actions of Christians

24%–32%

9

Religious Study (engaging religious writings, Christian or non-Christian)

25%

10

Contra Atheism (existential emptiness, purposelessness, despair)

24%

[included with Intellectual] Positive emotional consequences, sense of purpose, meaning

22% 26%

Some content originates from Langston, J., M. Faccinani, and H. Albanesi, 2019. “Toward Faith: A Qualitative Study of How Atheists Convert to Christianity.” Journal of Religion & Society 21.

Langton’s study concluded that none of these factors were sufficient in isolation to cause conversion but rather observed an integration of influences, confirming conversion as a dynamic, complex phenomenon rather than reduction to a single cause or occurrence. He also emphasized that an unlimited combination of factors is possible due to the diversity of unique conversion patterns available to individuals. The findings in this research heartily concurs with these conclusions, further solidifying the integrated nature of religious conversion of atheists to belief in God. To artificially reduce religious conversion to a single component is counter-intuitive. Rather, the interconnectedness of multiple variables tells a fuller, more human story. Conversion is a dynamic process whereby context, experience, identity, relationships, intellect, and emotions work together in influencing an individual’s aversion or openness towards embracing another ‘grand story.’ While each convert’s conversion story possesses finite similarities (limited themes), they also inhabit infinite differences (i.e., sequences and combinations of themes).



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CHANGING STORIES OF REALITY— WHOLE LIFE TRANSFORMATION The process of conversion is the ongoing movement from belief and embodiment of one story of reality to another, in this context from naturalistic atheism to Christianity. Spiritual conversion is not merely a conceptual shift of ideas, but rather a holistic transformation, informing everything, practically changing the ways in which you see and live in the world. Within ‘thick’ conversion to Christ, it is or should be all-encompassing as C.S. Lewis stated, “I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”7 It is not surprising, then, when looking at an atheist who has converted to become a Christ-follower, that all aspects of life are re-considered and reformed. The social scientists call this whole life transformation ‘biographical reconstruction.’8 Whereas they see this life change as self-, linguistically-, and/or socially-constructed, those who affirm a sui generis view of supernatural reality attribute this conversion of heart, mind, spirit, and life to more substantive and spiritual causes. There is a marked distinction between how the converts may see themselves through a naturalistic, mechanical, deterministic framework before conversion and how they see themselves through a theistic lens, purposed, free, and valuable after conversion. There is a difference between how they make sense of the world, how they view their past, their present, and their future. A metamorphosis occurs in the way they see themselves and others, how they see their community, and their world. Conversion entails and results in a comprehensive life transformation with different perspectives and priorities, changing dreams and goals as informed by their new allegiance and calling. Through listening closely to their individual stories, we can perceive conversion through their eyes, yet also begin to see emerging processes and patterns in the way they see God, themselves, and others as they shift from one way of viewing reality to another. While religious conversion includes a decision to change from one metanarrative to another, it typically entails practical changes over time in every area of life.9 All transformation flows from their new understanding of who God is, who they are, and what God does in and through their lives. Everything stands in this relationship to Him, affecting their sense of self, knowledge, understanding, experience, and choices. In order to visually capture this more holistic view of the conversion process, a visual representation of the parts and pieces that work together in the process of someone moving from one grand narrative to another, a conceptual map was constructed based upon former atheists’ stories of moving from an

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Figure 9.5. Religious Conversion Narrative Approach. Created by author.

‘old’ to a ‘new’ way of thinking and living based upon findings and narrative analyses within this research.10 Moving from top to bottom, the Pre-Conversion Metanarrative (in this context, naturalistic atheism) grounds a person’s lived identity and experience, purpose and meaning, as well as emotional and intellectual sense-making. These beliefs are informed and reinforced by the language and context of their supporting community. Of course, in this individualistic culture,



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someone may or may not fully accept or embody the beliefs or implications of their worldview and could be either open or closed off towards any other view of reality. Until a catalyst-provoking change occurs, there is typically little change or desire for change. However, once a disruptive catalyst arises, whether through crisis or not, someone becomes motivated towards a quest to resolve the pending tension or dissatisfaction. Through this search, they become open towards recognizing the inadequacies of their own worldview and the strengths of another. They begin to see how the new story of reality, the New Metanarrative (in this case, Christianity) provides a better explanation for the world around them and for their own lives than their old framework. Potential converts begin to see themselves connecting with the new metanarrative, as someone broken and in need of spiritual redemption through Christ, as led through supernatural (God) and natural (human) influences. Through conversion, they are spiritually reborn into a new grand story of reality with new identity, purpose and meaning, experience as well as emotional and intellectual sense-making. Their new view of the world makes sense of what they see, observe, intuit, and experience in a cohesive, corresponding, comprehensive way. These new beliefs are supported by their new community of belonging to Jesus Christ along with its canonical text, the Bible, and their ongoing personal relationship with God. As in their old narrative, many may not fully understand, accept, or consistently embody the beliefs of the new metanarrative through conversion. Nevertheless, there is an expectation towards whole life personal and spiritual transformation over time as enabled and empowered by God Himself through His Spirit. Through ongoing transformation, converts embody changes in perspectives, priorities, language, and practices, as well as spiritual, emotional, and existential well-being. They see and operate in the world through a new lens of an expanded reality, appreciating both immanent and transcendent realms, seeing life through an eternal lens. In the next chapter, we’ll see how such a dramatic transformation practically manifested in the lives of the converts.

NOTES 1. Statistical analysis of survey data confirmed a significant increase of Substance over Function at the Conversion Stage. Demographic variables of gender, education, geographical location, and strength of atheism yielded no significant findings. 2. For in-depth mixed-method data analysis, see the dissertation: https:​//​etheses​ .bham​.ac​.uk​/id​/eprint​/9490​/7​/Harmon2019PhD​_Redacted​.pdf.

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3. Nicholas’s full interview transcript: [Religious history] So basically everybody except for my uncle on my mom’s side of the family is LDS. So growing up, I went to an LDS church one week with my mom. My dad is not LDS and every other week I went with him to the Lutheran Church, on a rotating schedule. [Were you confused by that as a child?] No, not at all. My parents were very open about everything. We talked about everything. They never forced me to get baptized. I didn’t even get baptized until about four or five years ago. They were very open and transparent with everything so there was no confusion at all. [What was your general impression of both of those forms of faith?] Obviously as I was getting older, I could tell subtle differences. But as far as I was concerned, they were all the same. All religions were the same. You could talk about Buddhism, Islam, and Christianity. They were all the same. They all preached the same message. So, I just thought, it is just about picking your favorite flavor basically. Whatever you feel like going with, that’s what you go with, because one was not more true than the other. [For you, there was no real God or anything like that, it was just something you believed in because your family believed in it or your culture?] Very close. When I was younger, I thought that you just grew up that way. That is just what you believed. As I got older, when I was 13 or 14, that is when I actually started saying well, all these religions are the same, it is just pick your flavor, which probably means in my mind that there is no God. So, that’s when I became an atheist. [That is a common age for declaring atheism, the belief there is no God. Even as a child, would you say youbelieved in God, or did you just go through the motions, go with the flow?] I actually did not go with the flow. I told my parents I did not want to go to church anymore, and I told them out right that I did not believe in God. They respected that and I stopped going to church. Actually, coincidentally enough, about a year or two after I stopped going, my dad stopped going and he became an agnostic. [What was his reason for stopping? What caused his change of mind?] He has got a lot of emotions behind his beliefs, and he is academic and a sense that he started reading books by Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins, the typical people. He just felt that those arguments were compelling enough. And I actually remember the book that tipped him was a Sam Harris book, The End of Faith. He pointed to that but as his manifesto as far as that transition. And then my brother was basically an atheist as far as I can remember. I can never even remember him having any type of belief, and he is three years younger than I am. [Were any of those books informing your atheism? Did you decide on your own that this is not true or real to me?] Both. Initially, it was just on my own. I did read a lot. I even went and got my degree in philosophy, thinking that may even help logically back up what I thought my beliefs were. I did a lot of reading on my part too. [What you decided at age 14 that this just wasn’t true, your view of God, Jesus, Christianity, Mormons, whomever. It seemed rather negative that seemingly it was an uneducated choice, irrelevant. Did you think religious people were unsophisticated in their thinking, or did you find you held a more strongly emotionally critical view?] I was sympathetic to the idea of being religious because my mom was still religious



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and her family. So, I felt like religion was more of a comforter than anything. In my mind, they were religious because they had never looked further into it. They never read any books. They never really dug into it. [How did your mother and father respond to your declared disbelief?] I wouldn’t say that my mom looked at me in a different way, but I do think that she was upset at my decision. She wanted me to be religious, Mormon specifically, so when I declared my atheism it upset her, but it didn’t change how she treated me or anything about our relationship. My family is just like that. We are all very vocal about our beliefs. We have discussions all of the time—political, religious. It is just how we are. So, it is easy for us to separate the two [our relationships and our beliefs]. [How did the apparent irreconcilability of science and faith play into your unbelief? How did science inform your understanding of the world, of truth? Did it influence your disbelief?] That is exactly right. I felt like disbelief was the only reasonable and logical conclusion you could make. And maybe, we could say we are not quite sure there is a God, but you certainly could not say that there is a God because of science and the advances that we have had. [Lack of subjective evidence as well? What do you mean by that?] How I view subjective, and objective is in the philosophical sense. I felt like subjective reasoning was more along the lines, going back earlier, religion was more along the lines of flavor of the month, whatever you felt like was real. And that had nothing to do with the reality of its truth. It was more along the lines of ‘You are Muslim, I am Christian.’ You are both wrong because neither of you are looking at the scientific evidence that is objective that anybody can look at. [So, it did not have anything to do with personal pain, unanswered prayer, or not feeling God in a subjective sense.] Right. There was no emotional thing or anything like that for me. [As an atheist, that was the only sober rational choice. Were you like some of the French existentialists who looked into the box and saw where this worldview logically concluded? It looks like you considered some of those things like purpose and meaning or grounds for consciousness.] I did not in the beginning. But I remember taking a Frederick Nietzsche class my senior year, the fall semester before my senior year in college. We started learning about Nietzsche and nihilism and the “God is dead” argument. And that is where it really hit me, because I think Nietzsche is spot on if you do take atheism to its logical conclusion. Then there is no such thing as morals anymore. There is no such thing as right or wrong. A purposeful life, it doesn’t mean anything. It was something that I soberly recognized and marched on. But that is what caused me to go to my uncle who has a PhD in theology from Oxford University. I basically asked him, I got to know actual, historical, objective evidence for Christianity. And that is when he sent me a book about Jesus’s resurrection. That’s where I was convinced after reading that book. [You were sobered in that class by looking at nihilism. That was the turning point for you to figure it out. Obviously, your uncle is very well informed. He gave you this book. Did you also engage with him on the material? Did you ask him any other questions, or did he just give you the book?] He did not get into it deeply with me at all. He is not a pushy guy at all. He wasn’t trying to convince me of anything. He wasn’t

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trying to argue Christianity with me. That’s the type of stuff I like to read. I did not even finish the book. After getting part way through and reading about the historical evidence behind it about the resurrection, the culture Jesus grew up in, and how NT Wright lays down the argument that is basically indisputable. I mean, it is something I can’t really explain, but all of a sudden, I had an immediate mind switch. I thought ‘wow, I believe in this stuff.’ That is kind of where it happened. [So, it was an accumulation of evidence that you just could not dismiss?] Right. [When you started reading this book, would you say that you were open? Obviously if you were not, you would not have been convinced by it. Would you say that your attitude was one of general openness at that point to see where the evidence lay or were you still a bit resistant looking into it?] I would say that it is not like I was looking for the evidence, but I would say that I had my mind open to follow the evidence wherever the evidence could lead. So, in other words, it was not like I was looking for that answer, but I wasn’t going to read it and be totally skeptical of what I was finding there. [Were you reading any other materials at the time? Were you looking at the Gospel narratives or anything that was talking about the resurrection apart from this book?] No, that was it. [Were you pursuing this information alone?] It was just me, looking into it. Interestingly enough, I would say almost at the exact same time I started doing this kind of thing and looking into it, I started dating, and she is my wife now. I started dating her and she was a Lutheran which is interesting, because that is exactly what my uncle was, and he started sending me information. It was Lutheran stuff, obviously it was Christian, but it definitely had a Lutheran slant. He would send me information and talk to me about stuff. [Were you discussing some of these things with her, the evidence, etc.?] So basically, I looked at her the same way I looked at my mom. I told her I was an atheist. I don’t believe in this stuff. We talked about it, and I would press her hard about her religion and I felt like I won the argument every time. It is not like we had arguments, like we were mad at each other, but I felt I had the best evidence as an atheist, and you should listen to this kind of stuff. But after I started, after I read that book and started talking to my uncle a little bit more, that was really when I believed. That is when I started going with her to her church and everything else. [Through your reading of the NT Wright book, yes there is the historical, evidential aspect, but did he address the moral aspect of atonement as well? You believe that it was a historical event, the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ; but did any of our moral guilt for sin, etc. come into play?] Yes, NT Wright talks about it. I remember there being one place in the book where he is talking about the Gospels, and he mentioned something about the Jewish culture. He said something about the Jewish culture at length, something about how the people claimed that the Jewish Messiah was coming, why Jesus was different. And then he quoted a passage in Matthew. At that, I actually picked up a Bible and started reading Matthew. And from there, I started putting everything together. I actually started reading the Bible for the first time, critically rather than just, ‘Oh, this is silly. Of course, they are talking about this, or they are talking about that.’ I actually started



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looking at the Bible very critically and looking at as to how in NT Wright presented it, that it is an actual historical document from the people who were there. That’s when it kind of hit me, ‘Well, holy crap.’ [It might actually be real.] Yes, exactly. I was like, ‘Okay, this is starting to get serious now because it is more than just someone claimed of being raised from the dead. It is something that happened in history.’ [I imagine that would be a profound awakening.] Yeah. Yeah. [At that point you started going to church with your girlfriend?] I actually started going to church with her to a Lutheran church. [Once you started going to church, your attitude towards church, towards Christianity had changed. There had been a paradigm shift in some regard, that when you went there was an openness or willingness to see what it is in a different light. What was that like for you when you were able to return to a church environment but from a different perspective?] It was very different. I wasn’t going just because it was something I did anymore; it was because I was curious and I wanted to learn. But at the same time, it was almost like it felt like, after reading NT Wright and looking at a few other things, I started getting very curious about the early church fathers like Polycarp and St. Paul and the traditions that Christianity had up until now. And, in a sense, I felt like going to church was reconnecting me with the early Christians, almost carrying it on like the early Christians had done. So, it just felt very, very personal to me. [There is such depth and richness to the historical faith of Christianity.] [What did your parents think of your newfound faith in Christianity?] My mom was happy, but in a sense, she was a little disappointed that I wasn’t Mormon. She was happy that I believe in God but disappointed that I wasn’t Mormon, but that she will take what she can get. And my dad was totally indifferent about it. He is happy that I found something that he used to have but I could tell he was just like, ‘Well, I don’t see the point of it but I am glad that you are doing it.’ My brother is totally indifferent about the whole thing. I don’t think he would care either way. [You must have very interesting conversations with your family!] Yes, we used to meet every Sunday—My family and my old philosophy professor and his wife. We would meet every Sunday in a coffee shop and talk for 2–3 hours. My philosophy professor was borderline Christian, more like a Universalist, maybe even a deist possibly. [After conversion, you mentioned many reasons for belief in God and Christianity. Your Christian belief has become comprehensive, looking at things like objective moral grounding, the grounding for consciousness and rationality, etc. How do you feel that your paradigm shift was fully informed?] A lot of it is reading and talking to my uncle. But I would say the biggest change for me, even intellectually, spiritually, everything would be reading the Bible. Sitting down and trying to read it. And going to church and being part of a Christian community—listening to sermons, being part of the tradition. For me, that is why I am Lutheran, because I believe the word alone changes people. I believe that I am a perfect example of that. [You have a high degree of certainty of belief. There is no going back now.] Totally. [Interacting with Christians before your conversion, you found them to be rather ignorant. How would you encourage Christians to better interact with those who are atheists/nonbelievers?] They have to be prepared for the hard questions

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philosophically and theologically. A lot of the Christians I did talk to didn’t know how to answer the questions, like the problem of evil or what actual evidence is for Christianity because it seems like a lot of Christians depend on their testimony more than anything. Obviously, that’s good. We need the Holy Spirit to guide us and move us. But at the same time, like it says in I John, we have to be prepared to give a defense of our faith. That is what Paul and the apostles did. They had actual empirical evidence that they gave that they could point to say, “Look, this is why we believe that Christ is the Messiah.” And I think Christians need to be prepared for that as well. You have to be willing to never, never stop learning, and you have to be spiritually mature, not only intellectually but spiritually as well. [Anything else?] The Bible is the number one source. But at the same time, you have to be able to conceptualize and look at it critically, not just memorize a bunch of verses. You have to be able to understand what it is about because people may read an epistle of Paul and they will start reading it but they won’t understand that Paul was writing these letters to a specific group of people. They need to understand where he is coming from and that helps to understand what is happening. It helps understand what being a Christian is. It is an attitude. It is a lifestyle. It is not just a list of rules that you have to follow. [Our life is an apologetic as well. It all has to come together to be authentic to those who don’t understand it.] 4. Barbara’s full interview transcript: [Childhood religious influences:] My father grew up as a Methodist and very methodically went to church every week. His mother is a believer. I’m not sure about his father. And my mother, I’m really not sure about her church going. We always went to a Methodist Church. My father’s beliefs were stronger than my mother’s. Both grandmothers had stronger beliefs then both grandfathers. But I never heard that articulated exactly, what they believed about God. And I know my mother’s parents were not regular church goers when I knew them. With my sisters, it was like a normal American family in the 1950s and 60s. You went to church every Sunday. You maybe did a few other things. You went to youth group. You went to Sunday school. But I don’t remember anybody articulating their beliefs as to who was God, why they believe in him, what we need to know. I did go through confirmation class when I was 11 with all of my other friends who were the same age and was confirmed as you do in a Methodist church. It was just kind of a routine thing. As you probably know in the 1950s and 60s, the American church in general became more liberal. I think we got a couple more liberal staff members in our church. The youth group did fun things, but church became more boring then. I think of my grandchildren, and I think it is a little bit harder to keep their attention about anything now too. They are 15 years old. That is about as much as I can think of. [When you were going through confirmation and church, did you feel you had that personal belief in God? Did you believe when you were being taught? Did you pray or do anything to pursue God?] I remember praying occasionally but it wasn’t a daily thing and my father always prayed before meals but he always said the same routine prayer that I could probably repeat if I needed to. I don’t remember him praying



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extemporaneously much. He would read the Christmas story on Christmas Eve. I think my mother taught children’s Sunday school a couple of years. But I just didn’t feel like, and do you know as a child you don’t really know what you don’t know. You assume that everything you hear is truth. I just always assumed that there was a God somehow and that there was Jesus, but I guess it was not really explained in a way that I could say, “Oh, Jesus is God. There are God in three persons, the Father, Son and Holy Spirit and I have accepted Jesus as my Savior.” I never heard anybody say that and I could not say that to anybody. [So, it was cultural, going through the motions, it was something your friends did, your family did.] It was a small town about 25,000 people. It was a college town. Greeley, Colorado. It was a town with many churches. I could not imagine anybody not going to church. It was like we had a piano because my mother played. She made us take lessons although I had no talent. I just assumed everybody had a piano. Like everybody had a sewing machine because we did. When you were a child, you just kind of assume. But everybody I knew went to, and I went to several different churches with my friends just because I would stay overnight with them or some special event or something like that. But we really didn’t get into talking about spiritual things or the difference in denominations or anything like that. [So, it was just part of the furniture.] Yes. [From what I can tell from your questionnaire, it didn’t appear that there was much antagonism towards religion or God or faith growing up.] Heavens no. but something that is weird, and maybe this is more of a Bible belt thing, so many people have talked about, “Oh, back in those days when we had prayer in the schools . . . ” Well, there was never prayer in my school. I guess maybe it was because of the liberals in a college town or something like that, but we just never thought about it. I didn’t have any friends who were evangelistic apparently or I don’t know if it was just part of the culture then or what, but it just didn’t occur to us. [So you graduated from high school with the same sensibility of religion.] Yes kind of this fuzzy feeling that there was God out there and that it is kind of nice to be part of the group that believes in God. But I didn’t realize how isolated we were until I got to college. I think that happens with a lot of kids. In those days especially. [Growing up you weren’t exposed to other ideologies or religions that much?] We had a few friends. They were all related. Their fathers were brothers, but they were Jews. They were the only Jewish people in the city and they were fairly well off so everyone knew them but it was like, ‘Well so what. That’s just who they are.’ And there were a lot of Hispanic people, but it was not like, they were just part of the crowd too. There wasn’t anything big about any of the differences. [It sounds like you were exposed to other ideologies and religious beliefs at college. Where did you go to college?] University of Colorado. I loved my freshman year. I remember going to church just a few times, and Methodist church. And there was a Methodist youth church on campus and they had a sorority. Well, that was just another thing to belong to. You got a pin for it. I don’t remember much else about it really. Then I settled down a little bit more the second semester. It was just so much fun being there, meeting all of these people, and then reading books. I think it was some of the books I read and some of the publications that made me think, ‘Well, is

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there really a God out there? Does he really do everything that we have learned about in church? And does it really matter?’ Something like that. [So how did you answer those questions when you started thinking and being exposed to alternative ideas?] I had two different roommates then. I don’t remember honestly either one of them. The second year was the girl I went to nursing school with. We were in Boulder the first year and then on the Denver campus during summer school and the second year. And so that was very different also. But that girl and I in particular got to be good friends. We both decided not to be in nursing school after the second semester of our sophomore year and went back and were roommates then. She influenced me a lot because she was an atheist and she was very articulate about it. I can’t tell you exactly what she said at that point. I have kept in touch with her off and on since then. We saw her a few years ago at my high school reunion and she said she was a Buddhist. And I thought, ‘Oh my gosh.’ That’s not her only problem though. She’s got some mental problems as well. I continue to pray for Claire. But it was just a different outlook on life, a different worldview. [If you are going to nursing studies, there is a lot of science. Was there a sensibility within your science coursework that the naturalistic worldview was true, that science had all of the answers, that there was nothing more than the materialistic or naturalistic world? Did you get a sense of that at all? To give you an anti-supernatural bias?] In high school I was very interested in psychology and I was in college too. In fact, I considered changing my major to psychology but I realized you were going to have to write a lot of term papers. I can’t remember directly but I think maybe the psychology more than any of the others, you know, the study of the brain and maybe some of the evolution part of it too although I don’t directly remember any of that, but it may have indirectly and unconsciously had some effect on that. [Was there a general drifting away from religious belief?] I think that is it more than anything else before I could articulate anything else. I don’t think I ever did much anyway. I was too busy with other things. [So, the atheism that you drifted towards, it was almost by osmosis that it wasn’t a thoughtful investigation of the reasons or rationale for atheism?] It wasn’t that no. It would’ve been with some people. And that was the year that, you know I graduated in 1962 and so it was two years of college about the time that liberals were beginning to take over the culture. Just beginning to, in college especially. Well now you go to Colorado and it is not the same state that I grew up in, on campus, with the drugs and all of that. It was just beginning to become liberal then. And the newspaper on campus and the registration of voters and all that, and I would have really gotten caught up in all of that if I had stayed there, I think. [That you feel that some of that thought influenced you while you were there?] Probably so. Even when I was growing up and I was in elementary school and lived out in even a smaller town in the country where my father’s and my grandfather’s business was. My grandfather was a potato broker. He had people coming into his potato dock in and out during the growing season and there were a lot of Hispanics, very poor Hispanics who lived in that area. I just really had a heart for them and caring for them. I remember them living in a little trailer and they hardly had anything



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at all. I visited with them and was friends with girls in my class, people who nobody else had much to do with. There was maybe some influence there. [By the time we were 19, you had a resolve that God did not exist.] Something like that. [If God, or religion, or Christianity was not true, what did you consider that to be? What as religion? Who was God? What was that to you if it wasn’t real?] All I can remember now was it was kind of something that somebody made up historically. That is the best that I can answer that. If someone had asked me those questions when I was 19 or 20 years old, I probably would not have had very good answers for them. It wasn’t something I thought through a tremendous amount. [Religion was just a man-made construct. When you rejected the religious worldview and embraced atheism, you really didn’t give a whole lot of thought to it, but did you consider what you were embracing other than a mental construct that God didn’t exist? Did you find that that belief system or worldview affected your life at all?] I don’t know that it did that much. I think I was so busy with school and socially and then it was like the fall of 1963 that I met Doug and was caught up in all of that. He was a science-fiction fan and we would watch science-fiction on TV quite a bit. He was not a believer either so we just had fun and saw the city and went out on dates. We hardly had any money but just school and fun and decided to change majors and just really didn’t think about anything spiritual much, I guess. I do remember my good friend Claire and I visited church a few times because we wanted to see what it was like. Well, it was boring and didn’t have anything for us and so that was that. [You continued in this line of thinking for how long? What else influenced you along the way?] We were married in 1964 and moved to California where he was in the Air Force. We lived in California for 10 years and rocked along and had our sons. He got out of the Air Force, a pretty demanding job. We were fairly social with our friends, too, and then I think the two big things while we were living there that influenced our worldview and mine in particular was the environmental movement. Earth Day back in the 1970s was a big deal. I was trying to do some organic gardening and things like that. And we were in a babysitting co-op. It was a friend of a neighbor, or somebody like that that got us into that, and we met some good friends through that. One of them got us into this organization called Creative Initiative Foundation and I have never heard of it since we left California. But it was very interesting and very consuming and it was a lot of analyzing yourself through it, kind of a self-help type thing. They thought all religions were equal. They put on a big program at Christmas time in San Francisco. We were caught up in that for about a year or two as well. The only thing that I could think of later on was that laid a little bit of the groundwork for whatever God wanted to do in our lives even though I can’t imagine continuing to be part of that. [At that time, you were continuing to be atheistic, although you were acknowledging different religious belief systems as good for other people and were equal.] Don’t remember anything about that. I don’t remember any one group talking about going to heaven or there being an ultimate supreme being or anything like that. They just take different teachings from different, you know from Catholics, from Eastern religions and things like that. And then people we knew in our neighborhood, I remember there

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were a few who went to church and but they didn’t talk to us about it. One, somehow or another, influenced us to put our youngest boy in a Christian preschool. It was really a good preschool. They even sang songs at Christmas like “Gospel Bells.” I thought, they are really serious here. And I am not really sure how much that affected my son because it was about a year after that that we moved to Georgia. [So again, you weren’t antagonistic towards religion, if you were willing to put your child in a Christian preschool.] Yes right. I thought it would be something that would be good for him. Then it was about in that same time period, probably that summer of 1974 that we decided to move to Georgia. My husband had an offer with his company to come to the Atlanta office. And our son stayed with someone from our babysitting co-op for a week while Doug and I came to look for a house. And I think at that point, I think they were influenced by going to church with his family. And after we moved here, my oldest really wanted to go to church. And it was like, well you know, we had better do that. But that was one of the influences. And another friend who had recently become a Christian, she said she was praying for us. And she is one of the few people that we still get in contact with from way back in those years. [So, when you came to Georgia, did you start attending church?] We did. We lived on the west side of Marietta at that point. A neighbor had introduced us to first united Methodist church of Marietta and we visited there several times. And then we visited a very small new planted Methodist church called Hollydale Methodist which was maybe a mile from our house. And several people around us went there. But we ended up joining there about six months after we moved to that neighborhood. I think there was another thing. When people are in new situations, they are more open to new kinds of thinking as well. I think I was open-minded in all of those years, hopefully not so open minded that my brains would fall out! [When you started attending church, you were open so you were willing to reconsider the reality of God’s existence or were you still looking at it as a construct, for good moral teaching?] It was good for our children. Something that was good for our children was the very first thing, I think. As time went on, it became something that I was much more personally interested in. The only way that I can explain that is that God was at work. [What seemed to draw your interest? The lives of the people that you were coming to know? The teaching? A combination of everything?] Yes. All of the above, right. The pastor was a young pastor. This was his first church and he was very energetic and very clear in relating the Gospel of Jesus. And he did that every Sunday, which I learned was very unusual for a Methodist church to be doing that. And that I learned in recent years that in this area the Methodist Church is more conservative than it is anywhere else in the country. That’s an interesting thing to know about too. The lives of the people there, they were very engaging. They were very friendly. Several of them asked me to different events. Some of them in particular asked me to different Bible studies. I was like, ‘Wow I really need to learn all of this stuff.’ Oh, one thing I don’t think I told you, back in California, Jehovah’s Witnesses got hold of me. When our first son was a baby and that was a really tough year because I didn’t have any real friends and didn’t have many activities to do, this baby was



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just consuming me, he was really active and all over the place at that time. I needed something else. This woman came to the door and wanted to start a Bible study with me. I did for a while and then I got tired of it. I guess that kind of brought back a few memories that I had from church but it didn’t really affect me as far as Jehovah’s Witness beliefs. I thought, ‘I am not going to go that far.’ [It sounds like it was gradual understanding of who God is and what Christianity is, who Jesus is. Was it like that? You started opening the Bible and reading and learning about for yourself through the Bible study . . . ] Exactly. We went to some local Bible studies. I am sure you are familiar with Kay Arthur. Back in the 1970s she came to my church every week and I was involved in that for several years. There was a real grounding in the word. That was good and then we moved to Huntsville for a couple of years and then back to Georgia. [When you opened yourself to learning about God, how long was it after you immersed yourself and were open to that that you became a believer?] It was probably a few months. We moved initially in the summer; it was August 1974. We sort of gradually started going to church. And then it was February 1975, almost 40 years now, that as best as I can remember when I made a decision and that’s when we joined the church. [Was your husband moving along the same direction?] Yes. We had a lot of friends together in the social things that we did and a lot of them were believers. I guess when you are one, you’re more likely to know others who are. I just didn’t know many before that. [So, for you, would you say it was a lack of exposure, but once you became willing to engage with Christians and what they believed then you found it to be credible and/ or true?] Yes, very much so. [Were you sceptical? Did you have doubts? Did you need substantive proof, like how do I know this holy text is true and not what the Jehovah’s Witnesses are saying? Did you have any kind of intellectual debate in your mind about the veracity of it?] I would say some. Not a huge amount because I just seemed to be drawn that way. It just seemed to all make sense at that point. [It’s great that you weren’t highly resistant as God was drawing you to Himself.] This is another one that I hadn’t mentioned to you too. In California we lived in a duplex for two years before our second son was born and we had some really solid evangelical Baptist believers who lived across the street from us. They never talked much about it. And I am like, ‘Man, why didn’t you?’ I remember thinking at a couple other points, ‘I wish I could believe that but I just can’t. I can’t accept that now. Maybe sometime I will.’ I remember thinking that. [You just thought it was not a credible way of thinking, that it was just a man-made construct?] It just didn’t seem to make sense at that point. [I wonder how you would’ve felt had your Baptist neighbors actually said something to you. Do you think you would have been resistant or not ready at that point?] I have thought about that too. I just don’t know. I probably would have attended church with them. I may have done something with them. Whether I would have become a believer or not at that point, I just don’t know. But I was in enough that I probably

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would have done that. We had children the same ages. When you have children, you were always looking to see what is going to be best for them. [Considering that, and the way that people live their lives in front of you, speaking more with actions than with words, how has that affected your witness? You suppose we should best engage with those who are atheists, who don’t know Christ?] I wish I could say that I was a wonderful evangelist, that I was out there sharing Christ. Once in a while I do have a chance to engage people a little bit. I can only think of a handful of times that I have been able to at one time explain the gospel and be able to bring them to the place of making a decision one way or the other. I think in real life, I think it probably just doesn’t happen that much in that way. I have taken several evangelism courses and learned different ways of sharing the gospel and in the last few years the big ways that God has been working in this area is working in the public schools to share our faith in the public schools and all of that. That’s been really big. If we can’t do it straightforward, we have to go around or under or over or through or somehow or another. I am hoping to have an evangelistic Bible study in our neighborhood because people around here don’t want to go to church, much less a Bible study, so we’ll see. That will be a big work of God to make that happen. There are a lot of different ways to reach people. But looking back on it, I am just amazed at all of the things that came together to bring me to a solid belief in Jesus and His word. [Yes, it is usually a combination of events every time, readying your heart and your life.] 5. In order to assess the integration of Substance and Function elements through narrative analysis of the sample group (n = 23), each coded narrative was arranged according to influences per stage of conversion and compiled according to the conversion pattern assigned in the initial analysis of this work. An integrated narrative analysis memo was constructed for each conversion story. The narrative analysis memos included: 1) Convert’s brief auto-biographical conversion story written in the initial survey, 2) Convert’s interview language samples from Atheism to Catalyst, Conversion, and Post-Conversion Stages. These excerpts were organized by Function and Substance variables per stage and include reflexive comments, 3) Biographical reconstruction narrative themes for each variable with reflexive comments, and 4) Excel charts which give a visual portrayal of integrated influences which emerged through the convert’s narrated conversion story. An example of an integrated narrative memo is provided for reference posted in the dissertation Appendix. All twenty-three subjects in the sample group underwent similar narrative analysis. 6. Some content originates from Langston, J., M. Faccinani, and H. Albanesi. 2019. “Toward Faith: A Qualitative Study of How Atheists Convert to Christianity.” Journal of Religion & Society, 21. 7. (Lewis 1944) 15. 8. ‘Biographical reconstruction’ or, within the Christian framework, transformation is an ongoing process as converts continuously shape their life stories towards their new larger overarching narrative. The convert’s individual story finds a place within a new metanarrative. A new root reality is embraced and embodied as new beliefs are intellectually established and experientially, spiritually affirmed. New converts find themselves within the new, larger story, and conversion is expressed through new



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rhetoric, roles, and relationships as a reflection of an underlying spiritual change. Ongoing transformation occurs through a renewed understanding of identity, perspectives, priorities, relationships, attitudes, and actions through a transformed heart, and life. Intellectual changes occur through the developing of a new cognitive framework for comprehending and substantively expressing a new view of reality. Within the context of Christian conversion, new beliefs of God, self, others, and the universe are informed and transformed as they begin to make sense of reality through a new lens. 9. As these former atheists step out of one metanarrative and into another, it is not only important to know what those stories are, but also to recognize the interrelatedness and complexity of the moving parts. Although the individual convert is clearly the focus of change, outside influences are part of the conversion story. Each convert’s mind, emotions, and will are shaped by the relationships, communities, and ideas around them. Narrative analysis of conversion stories takes account of various aspects influencing religious conversion, including external textual, socio-cultural, and contextual factors as well as internal, personal, and spiritual variables. As a convert moves through the conversion process, the expectation is that change will occur in some or all of these areas from pre-conversion to post-conversion. The goal of narrative analysis within this context is to see how biographical reconstruction occurs in each area as the convert progresses from a pre- to post-conversion self-understanding. Biographical reconstruction shifts are assessed through the language the converts use to tell their conversion stories. Commonalities are observed between the stories in each respective area and analyzed. Based upon the academic literature as well as the narrative analysis of fifty religious conversion narratives herein, this visual model helps us to better understand the holistic process of conversion. 10. Pre-conversion, the convert may be open or closed towards change, but becomes open through natural and/or supernatural catalysts (crisis or non-crisis) prompting action towards reconsideration, questing, and conversion. This process may occur in short or prolonged time periods during which the potential convert can stall, reverse, or progress towards adopting another religious perspective. Through religious conversion, the canonical text and religious community reinforce the reality of the convert’s new spirituality, experience, belonging, identity, purpose, meaning, and sense-making. Transformation of these parameters occurs prior to, during, and following conversion, verbally expressed through language as well as embodied living. Ongoing transformation is accomplished through active engagement in and commitment to a new understanding of and relationship with God, self, and others. The convert begins to ‘see,’ describe, and purpose him/herself within a new metanarrative, while keeping the past, present, and future in view. Further, this schema acknowledges temporality and ongoing biographical reconstruction throughout the process from pre-conversion through post-conversion as the narrator conceives, interprets, develops, and tells his/her story over time and as the listener interprets the convert’s story over time and context. Probable causal pathways were based upon literature review, auto-narratives and surveys. The variables (purpose/meaning, identity/experience, sense-making, volitional will, supernatural and natural influences) distinctly act or dynamically interact with one another to move individuals towards conversion within varying contexts and

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communities. The comprehensive nature of this model allows for diversity of conversion patterns. In addition to endorsing both Substance and Function as integrative motivators, this paradigm seeks to provide an inclusive framework for conversion, acknowledges the temporal process, and allows for laterality and individuality of each unique experience in time (i.e., sudden versus gradual), internal temperament (i.e., analytical/logical versus emotional/existential), and external influences (i.e., socio-cultural, educational variables). It also affirms the profundity of religious experience and the role of the supernatural in altering an individual’s perspective and willingness to move from resistance against to gravitation towards God. Finally, this model confirms the inter-dimensionality and dynamic storied nature of the narrative analysis model of religious conversion. It appreciates the ongoing transformational nature of conversion and will be used as a guide for narrative analysis within this study. Although this paradigm presupposes a critical realist view of reality, it does not preclude its viability for those who presume a social constructionist perspective. It is variable-oriented, appreciating the respective presence and interaction of influences effecting change including functional and substantive influences in belief formation and change.

Chapter Ten

‌‌‌‌‌Putting the Pieces Together The Comprehensiveness of Conversion

THE TRANSFORMED LIFE—A NEW WAY OF BEING, THINKING, AND LIVING If anything is remarkable in this research, it is the dramatic change in beliefs, identity, and life experienced by the former atheists who now call themselves Christians. Their lives were changed in a comprehensive way through embracing a new understanding of reality and of God. A common thread among them was the noticeable way they told their stories with a passionate earnestness, that they now see, understand, and live with an entirely different perspective of what is true and priorities of what is important. They expressed that their newfound beliefs were the best explanation for ‘the way things are’ in reality, that they did not make such a dramatic shift for merely functional purposes but for a person, Jesus Christ. They seemed to hold solid intellectual, personal, and spiritual reasons that their individual life stories were grounded in and informed by the larger true story of God and what He is doing throughout history. Through conversion, they surrendered to the truth of the new metanarrative and move towards personal transformation and commitment, living. This larger story seemed to define who they are, where they have been, where they are going, and for what purpose. Their former naturalistic understanding of self-identity, purpose, value, meaning, belonging, sense-making, and spirituality became re-interpreted through a Christian lens. Their life change, collectively and individually, is nothing short of extraordinary. In this final chapter, we will see how conversion changed their view of themselves and their lives from atheists to becoming followers of Christ. Specifically, we will take a cursory look at how their new lives were reoriented towards making sense of intellect, spirituality, identity, sense of purpose, belonging and life experience as seen through a sampling of their new perspectives, language, and commitments.1 175

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WHAT IS TRUE? MAKING INTELLECTUAL SENSE OF REALITY Atheists generally contend they believe in naturalism because it is the most rational, reasonable, scientific thing to do whereas religion, in their view, has nothing to do with objective truth but rather has everything to do with personal comfort, belonging, and care. There is a presumed believability and credibility of atheism as compared to the presumed unbelievability and lack of credibility of religious belief. However, during the conversion process, a palpable shift was observed as atheists began to look more closely, consider Christianity more seriously, and compare which made more intellectual sense of the world around them and even their own internal understanding of themselves. From a cumulative case perspective, former atheists in this research eventually found the theistic worldview to be credible upon closer examination. It provided the best intellectual and existential explanation for reality as it is known and experienced, particularly as compared with naturalism. Through the conversion process, a shift was observed in intellectual sense-making as former atheists began to change their minds in belief from naturalism to a theistic, specifically Christian, worldview. This shift typically occurred as someone moved from a sense of cognitive superiority accepting naturalism as an acceptable explanatory worldview to cognitive dissonance regarding atheism as insufficient to ground understanding and experience of reality and finally towards cognitive resolution through understanding the truths of Christianity as sufficiently explanatory. Sixty-one percent of the narrative sample group (14/23) demonstrated this shift in pursuit of intellectual sense-making. As an example, Joseph occasionally considered the possibility of God’s existence, but grew up thinking religious belief was inferior and unwarranted. However, his strong sense of objective morality was not warranted within an atheist worldview, causing cognitive ‘tension.’ Through associating with Christians, Joseph began to see a world that made sense to him, that was satisfying, not only intellectually but experientially as well. He recalled, At that point I had not been doing a lot of intellectual thinking about religion and faith. But I was certainly open to the prospect that there was more to life, and I believed the Christians were showing me a world that had meaning, that had a moral compass, that made sense. The biggest thing is that my cultural caricatures of Christians were broken down and that everything that I was told about religion was a lie, that I was told that these people are stupid, ignorant, superstitious. But the other thing was, it did lead intellectually into some sense of coherence. It means I now had an ontological grounding for morality, the



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idea that right and wrong was grounded in a transcendent reality, that simply provided a compass. That was intellectually very attractive as well.

After conversion, Joseph developed ‘a thinking faith,’ holds a PhD with academic interests in apologetics, theology, and philosophy. In his view, Christianity provides intellectual play dough. It provides something to get your mind around and to enjoy comprehending. So, it is intellectually satisfying because it gives you a philosophical, moral, pragmatic worldview that you can wrestle with in order to discover who you are and what your place in the world is. It is not ‘just do as you like—eat sleep drink die and then that’s it.’ It provides something to think about and to internalize as you are living your life. And I think that is actually one of the attractions. Like intellectual play dough, it gets you something to use to put your mind into as you are living your life. And that is something that became very attractive to me.

Oftentimes, former atheists  were once admittedly uninformed as to their own or the Christian worldview, but through becoming more knowledgeable they came to shift their understanding of reality. By their own assessment, many former atheists rejected God and Christianity based upon a lack of awareness or appreciation for the substance of a theistic worldview. In short, they were admittedly uninformed, not only of theism but of their own naturalistic atheism. But, after exposure and study of the Christian worldview, becoming informed, they were able to see it as a cohesive, comprehensive framework which corresponds with reality, as superior to naturalism. Within this group of educated atheists, intellectual sense-making was a critical part of their transformation either prior to or even following conversion as in Dennis’s case. As a new convert, Dennis struggled integrating his intellectual life with his religious beliefs, thinking that they had to remain separate. Over time, he realized that he had embraced a faith that was well-supported by reason, providing a sense of intellectual wholeness. He recalled, It started to dawn upon me that I do not have to live with cognitive dissonance with my faith and my reasoning. For the next 15 years, I really studied philosophy and apologetics and read hundreds of books. I can’t tell you how many books I have read. But it didn’t take that long to get to a point where I felt comfortable with faith and reason, probably after the third or fourth book, I thought, ‘I cannot believe I was in the dark, that I thought that I was going to have to live with that discomfort.’ It was so invigorating and exciting to know that not only did I have a faith that gave purpose to life, but it also made sense from what I understood from reason.

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The intellectual transformation for each former atheist in this study was nothing less than extraordinary. A significant paradigm shifting occurred as they moved from one view of reality to a nearly opposite way of thinking about and living in the world. This cannot be understated. Changing stories of reality affect not only how someone sees ultimate reality, but they become the lens through which all of the big questions are answered, potentially affecting every aspect of life. For these converts, the Christian worldview provided more satisfying responses to their intellectual questions than their prior view of reality. Some even expressed frustration at the lack of earlier exposure to the credibility of the Christian worldview. Anthony stated, “It was almost a little disappointing that my education in a secular school was just so ignorant and so lacking in education about what Christians actually believe on anything substantive.” As thinkers, a degree of skepticism persisted for some as a continuing theme throughout the conversion process even post-conversion. Several expressed enough confidence in Christianity to convert but remained open and diligent towards continuing pursuit of truth and evidence, wherever it led. After conversion, nearly all of the former atheists expressed the need to embody a ‘thinking faith’—not only for themselves but for the intentional countering of culturally negative Christian stereotypes. Over time, many begin to see how their once strongly held atheistic beliefs were much weaker than they once thought. On reflection, former atheist Anthony said, “Reading back on it now, years later, I thought, Bertram Russell’s writing and thinking was so poor! But I really don’t know how to explain that. Maybe now I just have a better shape of the context of those debates to recognize that certain points are serious whereas before, I just didn’t see it.” The drastic change in their worldview was admittedly difficult for many in adopting new beliefs, values, and behaviors. For most, it was difficult to change towards and embody new belief. Sean reflected, “It was hard, having to re-wire my entire brain, thinking, everything, and just come to a completely new understanding of my entire life.” However, their intellectual confidence in the comprehensive truth in the Christian worldview provided the foundation upon which their life change was based. For Kyle, “Christianity . . . is intellectually satisfying because it gives you a philosophical, moral, pragmatic worldview that you can wrestle with in order to discover who you are and what your place in the world is.” Similarly, Jeremy affirmed, “You actually have the thing that completely meshes with reality.” This transformed intellectual ability to make sense of reality compelled the majority of the fifty former atheists in this study to become active advocates of the Christian worldview, defending, debating, and substantiating it in a variety of academic, apologetic, and ministry forums. They were not only



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able to cognitively understand reality in a substantive way, but it also transformed their view of spiritual reality. MAKING SENSE OF THEIR SPIRITUALITY— MOVING BEYOND THE NATURAL WORLD As former atheists who once contended that the natural world is ‘all there was, is, and ever will be,’ belief in a supernatural realm was impossible and unthinkable. However, that reductionistic view of reality changed for all converts who came to believe in the truth and metaphysical reality of God. Through conversion, they began to appreciate the natural world as existing in its physical form, but only as part of a larger realm which included a supernatural reality, supernatural beings, and a supernatural God. It also meant a fundamental transformation of how they viewed themselves as not merely physical bodies, but rather as spirits who inhabit physical bodies. They began to embrace a dualistic mind/body distinction, an appreciation of themselves as persons with a mind, soul, and spirit who will outlive their own deteriorating physical being. The whole world moved from disenchanted to enchanted, from merely immanent to that which inhabits and points towards the transcendent. This shift in perspective tangibly effects how someone views God, the world, themselves, others, and all of life. If the Judeo-Christian God of the Bible is ontologically real, then everything changes. A closer look at the conversion stories revealed two ways through which a shift towards belief in a supernatural realm occurred—either through a spiritual experience pre-, during, or after conversion or without a form of reported spiritual experience. To be clear, although this second shift does not include a distinct spiritual encounter, it does not exclude a new sense of spiritual reality in their lives. Even though no reported spiritual encounter may have been reported, their language reflects spiritual involvement from God, spiritual transformation of themselves and others. At Conversion, narrative themes centered on personal response to ‘the gospel’ message of grace, forgiveness, and salvation through Jesus Christ. Converts described awareness of their own spiritual need (they were broken, in need of saving) as well as convinced intellectual belief in its truth. Jennifer said, “There were no other religions that operated by grace, I began to realize that I was in a lot of trouble if it was karma, and that it spoke to something so unspeakably deep that I longed for and needed.” Language of conviction accompanied conversion, brought about through reading the Bible, a gospel tract, the Holy Spirit, and prayer. Once someone ‘accepted Christ,’ a sense of relief (‘It was like a two-ton weight just lifted off of my shoulders’—Matthew) and ‘conversion joy’ (Christopher) accompanied the conversion experience. Another notable

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conversion theme was the idea that conversion was ‘the work of God’ and not the converts themselves: “It was all God. And thank God! I thank God that God chose me because I would not have chosen him.” (Sean); “He takes out a heart of stone and puts in a heart of flesh. And without that, the evidence wouldn’t have mattered.” (Ryan); “It doesn’t make any sense. It is definitely a God thing that I can’t explain.” (Paul). Post-conversion narrative themes centered upon a new way of spiritually seeing and living life as a follower of Jesus. For some, an immediate change occurred in the way they perceived the world: “I left the Matrix.” (Joseph); “It was like I received Christian eyes . . . It was almost as if I was standing somewhere on the planet and the whole planet had shifted.” (Amanda); “I just sensed like compassion towards them because I wanted them to have what I had.” (Matthew). If ultimate reality is supernatural, located in the person of God and revealed through Jesus Christ, then everything follows from that. It transforms the way converts not only see God, but how they see themselves as well. WHO AM I? MAKING SENSE OF A NEW IDENTITY The question common to everyone, ‘Who am I?’ is both deeply personal and deeply communal. Whether consciously or subconsciously, each person answers this question about themselves. Both personal and group identities are grounded in and defined by a certain set of beliefs and values, an understanding and embodiment of their worldview. When someone changes beliefs and community, a change of identity also occurs. But the primary question remains, in whom or in what is it grounded? From a purely intellectual point of view, these former atheists once understood themselves as defined by the mechanics and limitations of the natural world. That is, since nothing exists beyond the physical world, they, too, were limited to an essentially physical existence and identity. No spirit, soul, or source of transcendence defined them or is a part of them. Rather, they drew a sense of identity from their community, human capacities, experiences, and self-created value. Conceptually speaking, they saw themselves as ‘made of the same physical stuff’ as all other things in nature only different in degree, not in kind. That is not to say, however, that most atheists would not identify themselves in this reductionistic way, practically speaking. Most would hold to certain human rights and elevated human value and dignity based upon capacities and intuitions. In fact, atheists often see themselves as holding greater capacities, particularly intellectually, than other people, especially religious people. Their identities are often tied to levels of intellect, education, or insight. On the other hand, Christians consider ultimate reality as a transcendent, supernatural, personal being (God) who created humanity in His image with inherent dignity, deep



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respect, infinite value, and divine purposes, as well as relational, creative, and cognitive capacities, separate in degree and kind from the rest of material creation. This elevated understanding of human identity is also informed from the Bible and reinforced through the Christian community. As these two metanarrative stories and understanding of human identity are starkly different, it is expected that someone’s view of self would dramatically change when changing metanarratives, communal, and self-identities from atheism to Christianity. Shifts in identity were observed between these two worldviews, the first of which is moving from a self-determined autonomy to a God-centered identity. Narrative analysis revealed that former atheists used a variety of words to describe attitudes within their old identity, reflecting self-understanding as skeptical, intelligent, free-thinking, analytical, independent, and moral. They also used self-descriptions such as ‘prideful,’ ‘rebellious,’ ‘arrogant,’ ‘stubborn,’ ‘conceited,’ and ‘smug’ as characterizing themselves before they became Christians. This language reflects the sense of superiority formerly inhabited by many in their self-understanding prior to conversion.  Once they adopted a new identity as a Christian, their language reflected movement from a heightened sense of self to a humbled perspective. This attitudinal change confirms a shift in identity when moving from atheism to Christianity. The former atheists began to use words such as ‘rescued,’ ‘chosen,’ ‘broken,’ ‘in need,’ and ‘God was pulling me out of the ruins.’ Converts generally moved from a sense of arrogance and pride to a perception of humility as they came to believe in the reality of God, their realization of their own sinfulness and pride, their need for repentance and condition of being saved. More than one-third of converts (39.1%) expressed movement from self- perceived heightened sense of self and/or superiority over religious persons towards a more humbled self-perspective and perception through the conversion process. Importantly, a new sense of humility did not diffuse the new Christians’ self-perception of their intellect and reasoned conclusions about life and reality. They perceived themselves as intelligent, reasoned, moral, or immoral individuals throughout the conversion process. Sean perceived himself as prideful, smart, intimidating, argumentative, and rebellious: “I really enjoyed arguing, debating, and going head-to-head. I knew how to make a Christian shake in his sandals.” He considered himself “a prideful person who liked to argue and be right about everything. I took pride in making believers look and feel stupid as they could not give me logical answers to my questions or provide evidence supporting the existence of God and the validity of their faith.” By the time of his conversion, his pride dissolved into humility and recognition of his own state of brokenness and need: “I said the sinner’s prayer not really knowing everything about Jesus but knowing that I was a sinner and

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in need of a Savior . . . He was pulling me out the ruins. My brokenness.” Post-conversion, he described his former atheist self: “I was just that dumb, hard-core atheist and had no good arguments and just had no reason. A rebel without a clue.” However, he identifies himself “now as a Christian, an evangelist and soul winner.” Similarly, Paul described his former atheist attitude, saying, “I was very self-righteous and thought I knew everything. I was very arrogant. I am 10 feet tall and bulletproof, and nothing is going to hurt me, blah blah blah, you know, the macho thing. I rode around on a great big horse, and I definitely needed to be knocked off it. I was very self-righteous and thought I knew everything. I viewed Christians as being very weak and very needy, very desperate because they couldn’t deal with the harsh realities apart from some benevolent grandfather in the sky.” A personal health crisis caused Paul to reconsider God. The day of Paul’s conversion to Christianity, he expressed a child-like humility and need for forgiveness; and, that he was chosen by God: The church event was geared for kids. But here I am at the age of 23, and if I had to pick a day, that was the day that I was converted. And what affected the most was this guy gives this testimony about how he was in prison and all of the terrible things that he had been, but Jesus still forgave him. And I said to myself, if that guy can be forgiven, maybe I can too. I responded to the altar call, and there in a sea of three-footers, I am almost 6 feet tall, and I am surrounded by a bunch of third graders receiving Christ . . . That day, I was just tired of keeping up the façade.

His arrogance was diffused and changed to recognition of humble need for forgiveness and he became a follower of Christ. ‘I’m better than you’ to ‘I’m one of you’ now. As Ryan clarified, “We are in a state of being rescued, regenerated, given new hearts, renewed minds.” Movement from ‘old identity’ to ‘new identity’ included not only self-perception as individuals but also shaped their view of their former selves as atheists as well as their new general perception of atheists. As Ryan stated, “We are not in an elevated position over our atheist neighbors. We are in a position of being rescued from being exactly where they were.” Jeremy’s post-conversion language reflected his desire for others to find the same new identity, fulfilled through life in God: “We as Christians have the unique privilege of doing, of carrying a little bit of God’s glory and His love and His goodness and His beauty into a world that really has no fundamental understanding of those things. I think that is the true call to holiness, not so we can say, ‘Look at us. We are better and have a more interesting worldview.’ It is saying, ‘This is what you were meant for. You deeply crave this, and we want to show it to you in its most perfect form the way that we



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can.’” His language reflects the fullness of what it means to be ‘in Christ’ as a new creation, someone who was fully loved, valued, and purposed. WHO AM I WITH? MAKING SENSE OF A NEW BELONGING Former atheists in this study also highly valued autonomy as shaping their sense of belonging and connection. Although many of us perceive ourselves as strongly autonomous and individualistic, there is, practically speaking, little escape from our social communities, structures, and cultural influences. We typically do not live isolated lives in a vacuum, free from outside influences. Our decisions are inescapably influenced by social and cultural expectations, mores, and demands whether we like it or not. Ironically, those who are resistant to external demands often find themselves forming their own community. Atheists tend to find one another as do Christians and socialize in like-minded circles. In this unavoidable reality, socio-cultural and community contexts play a dynamic role in the forming and changing of beliefs from atheism to Christianity. Narrative analysis revealed former atheists to have either an autonomous (52.2%) or communal (47.8%) understanding of selves prior to conversion. That is, approximately half of former atheists believed in and lived as atheists apart from any formal or informal atheist community, and the other half actively participated in an atheist community. However, after conversion, there was an overwhelming shift in their communal understanding of themselves as Christians. Remarkably, all former atheists who were converted to Christianity became a part of a community of believers, either before, during, or after conversion. Narrative analysis did not show one person who moved from autonomous atheism to isolated Christian living. None saw themselves as autonomous Christians, but rather part of both the story of God and the people of God. Through conversion, they then became an active part of the group they once rejected. They began to see themselves not as autonomous, but rather as Melissa proclaimed, “My life is not my own now. I belong to God.” As an atheist, Jason was motivated by his desire for self-sufficiency, explaining, “I think the number one reason I was an atheist was my desire for self-determination, to say that I am the maker of my own destiny, and I am the center of my own universe. I don’t want anyone else to put any constraints on me. I was not an analytical atheist. I know far more now, even about the atheist perspective, than I knew then. It was just an identity.” When Jason began considering the truth of Christianity, he also began to question his identity, stating, “I could see the impediment in my life and the struggle

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for identity that was taking place. Am I going to stick with this identity or am I going to allow my identity to be shaped by God, by some other thought, whatever that might be.” He eventually became convinced there was a God, but conversion occurred over a prolonged period of believing in the truth of Jesus and Christianity, taking months before he was baptized and called himself a Christian. Post-conversion, Jason strongly identified with his new identity as a Christian and the life he is called to lead as a disciple of Christ, saying, “That whole idea that we are a city on a hill goes both ways. You can’t be a city on a hill and live a lousy life and expect to draw anybody to Christ. You’ve got to live the life that he has put within us. You’ve got to take it seriously. Be a disciple first and then try and win somebody, because if you aren’t a disciple, you aren’t convincing anyone at all.” Jason pursued a theology degree, compelled to foster discipleship among those in the church. Conversion changed not only his view of self, but his identity within Christian in community. This attitude was common among converts who all transformed from autonomy to an integral sense of belonging with others who identify, believe, and find themselves purposed within the grand story of God. WHY AM I HERE? MAKING SENSE OF MY PURPOSE Humans are inevitably driven towards finding purpose in living. Questions common to all are ‘Why do I matter?’ Why am I here?’ ‘Where am I headed?,’ or ‘Is there more to life than this?’ Within the naturalistic worldview, there is no inherent or objective purpose. Rather, life purpose and meaning are self-determined towards that which brings personal satisfaction, pleasure, or survival. Alternatively, the Christian worldview holds that humans are made in the image of God, objectively purposed towards and given satisfaction in knowing and loving Him, living according to His will and His purposes. There is a deep sense in living for something and Someone (God) much greater than themselves. Within this research, the most prominent purpose among former atheists was the elevated sense of autonomy in life choices and direction. While some enjoyed this freedom with little or occasional reflection, others deeply felt and soberly considered life’s existential questions. They also described finding life purposes for material gain, personal pleasure, within an ideological movement such as environmentalism, or passion towards undermining religious people and belief, specifically Christianity. For some, a growing sense of dissatisfaction provoked deeper existential questioning and a willing openness to begin ‘searching for more.’ For others, although these personal longings did not precipitate conversion, they found a deeper sense of purpose and meaning through religious conversion. A prevailing shift occurred for



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87% of the sample group during the conversion process during which they moved from a sense of existential emptiness towards expressed joy, satisfaction, meaning, and ‘other-directed’ life purposes in God. As an atheist, Richard described how nihilism informed the meaninglessness of his life, recalling, “I did believe that there was right and wrong but if you pushed me ultimately, I would’ve said everything is meaningless. And as a teenager, my view for my life was I was going to leave home, make as much money as I could, be a millionaire by 30, live my life completely for pleasure until my body wore out and then I would kill myself. And that was my worldview at my mid-teens, 15 or 16 years old.” After conversion, Richard sees ultimate meaning and purpose as grounded in God. Here he compared both worldviews on life’s existential questions: Let’s talk about the explanatory power of the worldviews. What does your naturalistic worldview offer me? Does it offer me hope after I die? Does it offer me meaning? No. It gives me temporal meaning, but because I can’t connect to the infinite, because there is no infinite in that worldview being that all meaning is confined to the box we live in and the meaning you believe you have is all basically chemical reactions because there’s nothing else. That’s all there is. So, in your worldview you can’t give me any meaning, true meaning. You can’t give me any true, purposeful life, so I just might as well be a hedonist if I want. You can’t give me any basis for morality. John Paul Sartre says, “a finite point in an infinite nothing can have no meaning.” And that’s what we are. In the materialist worldview, we’re nothing. We’re basically a finite point in an infinite nothing. Meaning is all about connection. So, a painting on the wall may have real strong meaning for you because maybe it’s your mother’s and it’s connected to the house you grew up in. The painting has all these connections to things around you, so it has meaning for you. But that meaning for me, that painting is worthless to me. I don’t care about all those things. But ultimately, unless you’ve got connections beyond the temporal, you haven’t actually got any ultimate meaning. But what does my Christian worldview offer? You gain everything. You gain meaning. You gain purpose. You gain eternal life. You gain explanatory power. You’ve got a basis for your morality and so on.

For those who had converted from atheism to Christianity, there was a strong sense of moving from an old way living to a new one, a ‘redemption from’ self-driven pursuits to a ‘redemption for’ greater God- and other-centered purposes. As opposed to autonomous pursuits, Christians are called towards self-surrender, sacrifice, and submission to the One who created them. Through conversion, God becomes the one who defines not only who they are but their purpose as well. Ninety-one percent (91%) spoke of change from self-centered purposes (‘my will’) towards God’s ultimate purposes (‘God’s will’) in their lives. They described a deep sense of satisfaction and stability

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as their smaller stories found embodied place and purpose within the larger story of God. As an atheist Jennifer was “busy surviving” within a divorced family of two alcoholic parents, working several jobs until she got to university. When she began studying religion and the Bible at university, she began to see the purposed ‘abundant’ life within Christianity as compared to the meaninglessness of atheism. After conversion, her life focused upon God’s desires and purposes. She left her academic career and moved to another country to “live out the gospel” for the sake of her unbelieving family and friends, living in prayerful hope of helping others become Christians, stating, That is an ongoing prayer for me personally, still having so much of an unbelieving family and unbelieving friends. I come from a largely unbelieving world. I pray over that all the time . . . And that was one of the main reasons we moved home, to try and love on my family up close and hopefully live the gospel and entice them to it and others as well in a way that wasn’t just phone or email. And I will say that one of the things I am trying to learn, and I do realize what a sinner I am and then I fall so short in it all the time, but really trying to live out being available. I pray that the Lord gives me the discernment to be present and available, listening to the Lord in terms of opportunities and prayer, to be really loving, present and available, because that is what spoke to me, asking to be an instrument but recognizing and allowing God to be in control because He is.

As an atheist, Sean enjoyed dismantling Christianity and demeaning Christians, saying, “I took pride in making believers look and feel stupid as they could not give me logical answers to my questions or provide evidence supporting the existence of God and the validity of their faith. I began reading the Bible in hopes to find more contradictions, faults, and fractures, and generally anything that seemed absurd to me to use against Christians as I happened upon them.” After becoming a Christian, his life goals and direction transformed towards God’s purposes for his life, actively studying and promoting the Christian worldview. He pursued a university degree in theology, hosts a podcast, and actively teaches teens how to approach skeptics and agnostics through his own curriculum. He is highly committed and passionate about the Christian worldview and moving other atheists and skeptics towards God. The intensity with which he resisted God is now being used with intensity towards bringing others to God. In his former life as an atheist, John was working in a ‘godless’ culture, not thinking about life’s big questions of meaning of purpose. Through Christianity, he saw the coherence of its worldview, how the existential and rational components reinforce one another. Personally, he found the enduring satisfaction found within Christ provides a “compelling power to its authentication.” Now a Christian apologist, John’s purposes have turned from a life



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directed by self-purposes to one focused upon God’s will encouraging others to consider the importance of thinking about big life questions, especially as compared to the seeming emptiness of life without God. He is now helping others find a lasting satisfaction in God that the temporal things of the world cannot sustain. He reflects, I think that the uncritical, unexamined life where I was on one level is just a lazy, over-familiarity with what is. But, if I’m going to be engaged, I think part of that is to take life very, very seriously. To take these questions very seriously. But they are not about philosophy and theology, I mean they involve that, but they are about existence and that’s a level that some people don’t like to get to. I think more and more in a world of materialism and secularism where we are saturated with toys and noise and everything else, we’ve got to become soul detectives, which is to try to use questions and issues to lead people towards the things that really count. And I think the biggest in our army, truth, goodness, and beauty are those tools that God has placed in His world for us to use as connectors to like the questions of hunger and desire, what is it you really want? Will a car really answer that? Will a holiday? Yes, you can have a great holiday but then what is it beyond that? France next year? Eventually you can’t go because you’ve got a broken leg or something and then what? It’s exhausting.

Becoming part of the grand story and purposes of God was the critical factor influencing Jessica’s decision to become a Christian. Whereas the God of personal salvation had been presented to her, that seemingly reductive view of God was not appealing. Only after understanding the grand nature of God, His story and purposes throughout history, did she decide to become part of that larger narrative. Through and after conversion, Jessica recognized the focus of her life was to be about God, not herself: As a child, God was presented to me at the exact same time as He was presented like a Santa Claus figure. He was presented as this harsh, harsh disciplinarian so it didn’t really go together. But as an adult, I was finally told for the first time that “Hey, this isn’t about you.” That is all that I ever thought God was, from Christians at least, that God was someone they looked to solve their problems or to give them things they wanted and also told them what to do, what rules to follow. But I had never heard that you live for him, that it is about him. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love me. It means he is so much, vastly more than any of that. He is about so much more than all of that. So, just feeling okay, it is not all about me. You would think that would be to get a sad thing, or a bummer, like, now I have to live for someone else, but it was very much like okay, this is something I can believe. And I think that was the turning point, honestly. There was something shallow about Christianity the way it was presented before, and this was very, very deep and very, very real. It was just bigger than me. So being told, “Hey, get over yourself. God doesn’t exist to grant your wishes or any of

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that. You exist to glorify Him”—that was huge. This was the single most important thing that was presented to me. So, a few days after I tried praying, it hit me and it was a very, it wasn’t like a joyful ‘Yay, now I know what I’m going to live for.’ It was ‘Whoa, this is a very, very big deal.’ I almost feel like I mourned for a couple of days or weeks or months my decision. It was something that settled in my heart and in my mind, like ‘Okay, this is what life is now. This is what it is.’

One of the most surprising findings among the converts post-conversion was their active pursuit of academic training in biblical, philosophical, or Christian worldview study (41%) as well as their participation in some form of Christian apologetics ministry on a part-time (66.7%) or full-time (29%) basis. These were not nominal believers of mere affiliation. Rather, they chose to follow Jesus Christ in a profoundly serious and intentional way. They, like C.S. Lewis, understood that “Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, is of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.”2 Many saw themselves as those who lived to tell their story of redemption and rescue from the hand of the enemy (Ps. 107:2) and prepared to engage others with the gospel that had set them free from the powers of the kingdom of darkness into the light and life of Christ, their Redeemer. They saw their transformed lives as directed by God. They had turned from one direction and stepped into a new mission and passion, inconceivable from where they once stood. WHAT IS MY LIFE? MAKING SENSE OF LIFE EXPERIENCE Intellectual belief in God and conversion to Christianity is not a guarantee that life experience will necessarily change for the better. Life experience within naturalistic atheism is just ‘what is’ whereas conversion to Christianity fosters transformation towards a changed perspective of life and suffering in light of ‘what ought to be.’ It is a paradigm shift in seeing life from a purely temporal, immanent living towards an eternal, immanent yet transcendent way of life. Of course, personal experience can and does affect personal belief and vice versa. They mutually inform each other. The question at hand is how someone’s expectations and experiences change as they move from life as an atheist to life as a Christian. Does the way someone lives their life change as a result of conversion? As seen through the stories of those in this study, life experience generally improved after conversion to Christianity. Most reported positive life changes in relationships, decisions, and behaviors, whether experienced immediately or over time. When Melissa was asked how her life had changed following conversion, she responded,



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How my world changed? I basically threw everything up in the air and trusted God with my life. Even though I had no idea what was going on, it was just like I felt compelled by whatever was happening to me to throw everything up in the air and trust God with it. Besides guiding me to tell my husband the truth that day, God helped me quit smoking and let go of other addictions. Life wasn’t all sunshine and roses—things got much worse before they got better, but God was on our side and carried us through the storm of insanity. I refer to it sometimes as the fiery whirlwind. God broke me, sifted me, and refined me. He made His saving love real to me by offering me His hand and giving me the choice to be saved out of the mud when I still wallowed in it. The transformation God brought about in my life helped me and my husband go from the nightmarish brink of divorce to best friends in love all over again, united in our faith. He helped me gradually restore the intimacy mothers are supposed to share with our children.

As a teenager, David expressed strong anger at God because of tragic life experiences including sexual abuse, depression and suicidal ideation, parental divorce, personal recklessness, and drug use: “By 12, I stopped going to church. My parents got divorced when I was 14 and that really made me mad at God. By the time I was 15 I told God that I wanted him out of my life, and I told Satan, I wanted him in my life. I was that angry about it all and then in high school I got into dabbling in the occult. In college, I got into drugs. And by then, I just stopped believing that God was real or that he existed.” Through the occultic experiences, he reported having obtained “a blackness” in him. David came to believe in God after an unexplained providential circumstance that convinced him that God was real. He not only experienced a “deliverance” from depression, but a drastic change to joy and peace: When I got delivered from suicide and depression, there is a difference between being delivered and learning a new way to think because I still had a negative outlook on things, and I had to learn to be more positive in my outlook. That depression and suicide, that blackness that is so encompassing in anything you do was gone immediately. That right there, more than anything, more than being delivered from drugs or even salvation, that right there was like, ‘God, I’m in for life!’ I can’t exchange that. It was just a drastic change. There is nothing for me to hide anymore because I have no guilt or shame about my life. It is all for God. It is nothing but joy now. Nothing but joy and peace. The peace that I have now compared to the darkness that used to consume me, that is irreplaceable. There is nothing that can replace that.

After converting to Christianity David described everything in his life as improved, stating, “It has been a complete reversal, such a drastic change in my life that not long after I got delivered from drugs and I got delivered from suicide and depression. To me, it is a 180 change, but it is an across-the-board

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change. It is not just internally, it is externally and relationally and vocationally, just everything. I know where I would be without God because I was working a dead-end job and I would be dead. So, it’s all credit to God.” David is married, has a steady job, and is an active apologist directing a ministry for the Christian faith on a university campus. Carl’s life as a non-believer centered around gambling and drinking, negatively affecting his life, relationships, and marriage. He recalled, I got married in 1965 and I had done well in public accounting in my opinion and become a partner. But in the early 1980s I developed a tremendous drinking problem. I was drinking every day. In the 1980s I also got involved with gambling, casino gambling, and just local gambling for high-stakes poker games such as that. I am an alcoholic and I am a compulsive gambler. I had been losing a lot of money and I had been hiding it from Faye, my wife, as best I could. She knew I drank too much but I don’t know that she knew the extent of my drinking and my gambling.

One evening after losing a substantial amount of money at a casino, Carl began to realize the dire consequences of his life choices and ‘surrendered his life to God.’ From then on, he has not been drinking or gambling, and has used his life to help others towards recovery and to know God: “Well, to this day, God has sent me straight home, so to speak, and I have not had a drink or placed a bet since February 1, 1999. It is not in my strength. It is obviously in His strength.” However, life adjustment to Christian living was not always positive or easy. Three participants spoke of the challenges in adapting to the changes in their new Christian lives. Kyle acknowledged “the challenge to reshape life as a Christian through the sanctification process.” Ryan also admitted, “It is after conversion where the very difficult things start—standards, beliefs— ‘very challenging’ ‘mentally taxing’ and ‘ultimately rewarding but it is not easy.’” Jessica reflected, “And then my thinking shifted, everything shifted, my perspective, everything. But it wasn’t overnight. It wasn’t a joyful thing. I think part of that is that my circumstances were difficult at the time. Part of it was that it was very sobering. This is huge. But it had to be that for me to buy into it.” Another experiential shift in the lives of converts was demonstrated in their desire to live their lives in a way that authentically demonstrated the Christians and the Christian life they once rejected. Before conversion, two-thirds expressed negative language in describing their perception of and personal experience with Christians or other religious people. After conversion, through ongoing transformation and experientially embodying a Christian life, many try to display a different kind of Christian than the one



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they once rejected in order to break down negative cultural Christian stereotypes. Amanda remains consciously aware of living her life in such a way as to be authentic, intelligent, and caring as an ambassador for Christ: There is a lot of damage done in the way people perceive Christianity in the world today. People often point out hypocrisy and this and that. I think that if they see you living in a certain way that is consistent with your beliefs and if you express somehow your beliefs, not just that I’m another decent person but they actually do know that I’m a Christian, then that can make an impact. The world sees Christians as these weaklings, these hypocrites. If you can live in a way that demonstrates power and joy, that’s huge, especially in difficult circumstances. Presenting yourself as a rational person and not resorting to fideism. I’m not trying to say that I’m a model of everybody, but I might be representative of a certain group, people who grew up in the faith and thought it wasn’t reasonable and then left. So, that’s definitely one way. And then genuinely caring about people, to actually make others feel that they have been invested in as a friend, as a long-term person that this is a relationship that I genuinely treasure them as a person.

As an atheist, when John’s girlfriend unexpectedly became a Christian, he became angry with the Christians who led her to belief. But when he met them, he was disarmed by their unexpected genuine kindness, respect, and hospitality, what he described as “a radical embrace of warmth and interest in the person with genuine compassion.” Through that experience, he now engages others in a similar way. He continued: They were a great model for me of Christian hospitality as being a primary way and a willingness to go through the process with people, however long it took. I was there for hours in their house. There was no sense of rush. There wasn’t an appointment, nor was there any sense that I had to conform to a particular thing, before they would be happy. I mean they obviously wanted me to believe in God, they gave me reasons to do so, but it was their perseverance and tenacity. But all definitely surrounded by a real love, a real kindness. They really were being themselves and had become comfortable in their faith, in their desire to share it, and in their willingness to see a lost person as that—as lost and not as a kind of a moral piranha. Just point them in the direction of their shepherd. That’s a wonderful model, very welcoming. I think there was a real, just because no one had really talked to me. Which is why I very much got involved in evangelism and sharing afterwards because, you know, some people have just never heard, never had a chance to talk. So, if you go through the process with them and hear their own doubts and help them, they may be in a position where they would listen.

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Before conversion, Anthony appreciated Christians’ lives, but he did not believe Christianity was true. As an atheist, he dated a Christian girl and was willing to be part of a Christian community because of their welcoming hospitality towards him. Reflecting on his girlfriend’s family, he said, “these people certainly took their faith and beliefs seriously. It was an attractive way to live. There was clearly a warmth amongst the family and a deep trust and joy. It was a happy place, a happy home. They were articulating, exemplifying, demonstrating, living out a life that seemed qualitatively richer in some way. So yeah, it forced me to pay attention.” Her family’s embodied example of authentic, attractive Christian living was impactful for him, and as a Christian he now sees and advocates the power of living out of a Christian life before others, saying, “Those who don’t know God need to encounter Christians who, by the way they live, show what it would look like to actually live a religious life. The ability to imaginatively conceive of yourself living a Christian life plays an important epistemic role in helping you feel your way into that life.” Of course, not all atheists live with general or persistent negative emotions from their naturalistic worldview. That would be a vastly unjustified overstatement. Thirty-five percent expressed a generally positive sense of emotional sense-making even prior to conversion, describing positive emotions throughout the stages of belief change. Others simply were not satisfied with atheism but soberly accepted it as truth. Emotions informed disbelief and resistance, openness and changing attitudes as well as the ability to emotionally accept and even embrace a view once held in contempt. Some had difficulty releasing their long-held disdain towards God and/or Christians, resulting in an approach/avoidance conflict in moving towards religious conversion. Others experienced fear or felt loss from family or social group rejection after conversion. However, this emotional loss was exchanged for ‘conversion joy and peace,’ easing the pain of relational difficulties. It is not surprising that some who were initially hostile towards God were softened through experiences of personal valuing, comfort, or care from a religious person. Regardless, change in life through conversion happened in a variety of ways that was not always straightforward. What is important to recognize is that change occurred for converts as they moved from their former ways of seeing, interpreting, and living lives to embodying their place within another better narrative. As “new creations in Christ” and part of a “new kingdom” and the “grand redemption story,” their expectations towards change were met with an ongoing reality of becoming more and more like the One who made them, valued them, and purposed them towards someone and something more than they could ever ask for or imagine, living in the tension of ‘already’ and ‘not yet.’



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NOTES 1. Patterns of transformation emerged through repetition and redundancy of data until saturation of biographical reconstruction themes occurred in each area. Examples of converts’ language demonstrating transformation in each area is primarily located in the Appendix of the dissertation, secondarily in Chapter 9, Narrative Analysis findings. 2. (Lewis, 1970).

‌‌Appendix From Atheism to Christianity: Unlikely Stories of Conversion

MOVING FROM DISBELIEF TO BELIEF— IN THEIR OWN WORDS Religious conversion is a mysterious phenomenon that is neither straightforward nor simple. It is a process of moving from one way of seeing the world, of thinking and living to a starkly different way. Consider what it might take for anyone to dramatically change their entire perspective about the world, others, and themselves. It must be something or Someone so compelling and convincing that they cannot do otherwise. Profound clarity breaks through, new truths are known, former blind spots and deceptions are exposed. Through conversion from atheism to Christianity, reality takes on a palpable expansion in breadth and depth, no longer contained to a flat, immanent realm of determined cause and effect, but rather extends towards a boundless transcendence which reaches down and reforms everything in its realm, earthly and heavenly. Life becomes infused with new purpose and meaning. All humanity is lifted up, immensely valuable and imbued with dignity. No one is a mere mortal. True freedom becomes the capacity to seek towards that which is good and virtuous, for the betterment of self and others. What was once thought right is not wrong, what was once thought wrong is now right. Hope is reborn in the knowledge of a Savior who loved us enough to come and die, to repair brokenness and sin, give a home and a vision for reconciliation with Him and with others, that pain and suffering will last only for a while, that ultimate justice will be accomplished under His righteous hand. Deep human longings for love, acceptance, and belonging are finally met in the person of Christ. There is no more need to endlessly search for what 195

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the world is unable to supply. Rest is finally found in the only One who can provide it. At the end of the day, conversion from an earthly way of life to a transcendent view is, well, no less than heavenly despite ongoing daily struggles. Pieces and parts come into a holistic view and all of reality unites in a comprehensive and cohesive way, matching what we know and experience. We can make sense of ourselves and the world around us, even its brokenness. Through conversion, the world, our world is seen afresh through its beauty and brokenness. Peace and joy result, a clarity of purpose, a divine Helper, and an intimacy with the Creator and Savior. Using biblical language, converts are rescued from darkness and now live to tell their stories of redemption and reconciliation with God. They are irrevocably changed, heart, mind, and soul, and their lives reflect it in abundance. We began our quest to understand religious conversion in the introduction through presenting five stories of men and women rejecting God and Christianity, wondering how they might have become passionate followers of Christ. Yet, that’s where they find themselves. Now that we’ve spend time understanding the process of religious conversion, let’s take another brief look at their stories of moving from atheism to Christianity. Based upon what you now know, perhaps you can see more clearly how and why someone not only rejected God and embraced atheism, better identify the disruptive catalysts that caused openness, determine the means and attitudes of their questing towards truth, pinpoint the convincing elements towards belief and eventual conversion, and appreciate their lives, perspectives, and purposes after becoming a Christian. As you read their conversion stories, look  for elements of the Atheist, Catalyst, Quest, Conversion, and Post-Conversion Stages in their journeying. Although you may have read parts of their stories in prior chapters of this book, these narratives provide cohesive summaries. It is my hope that you will now come to these stories with a more informed perspective on the various influences that capture and motivate someone’s resistance and subsequent openness towards change and eventual belief. And, that you will now see with greater clarity beyond these stories to your own life and the lives of others. GARY’S STORY Gary was raised in a home that dismissed God, recalling, “At home, faith in God did not exist. We didn’t talk about it. We didn’t respect others who did. We didn’t respect them. God was mocked and He wasn’t relevant at all. It was like a big bag of nothing.” His friends mocked anything to do with religion or religious people. Compounding his view of an irrelevant God was the reality



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of an absent and abusive father. “We went to church socially to try to get dad out of his alcoholism. My dad was drunk every day. He wasn’t this loud furniture breaking alcoholic. Fifteen minutes after dinner, he would be asleep on the couch drunk. He was just absent. My dad never really addressed me, never really engaged me. I think it when you are doing that and living that way, church doesn’t make any sense at all.” After a moment of sexual abuse by a neighbor, everything changed. He said, Life got very dark for me, so the idea that there is this loving heavenly Father, it didn’t compute at all for me. I thought, ‘If God loves you, there is no way this happens. This is ridiculous. The idea that God loved you or cared about you. There’s no way in hell that that could be true.’ I made a decision to reject God through these really painful experiences. I was so sad and shipwrecked underneath. When you have an alcoholic parent, it’s not a safe place to talk about what’s true. You don’t do sadness. You have to be tough and handle things on your own. I had an intensity underneath that I didn’t know how to sort out.

Gary became emotionally distant, tough, and easily angered, bulletproof with no need for anyone, including God. Atheism was a natural response to life experience. Wrestling became the “perfect outlet” for his anger, pouring out his fury on anyone who touched him. His competitive impulse landed him powerless on the mat with his neck broken in four places. Planting a signpost along his journey, Gary explained, “So here’s where my conversion starts and it’s not like I have one moment. I have like a three-year period of people showing up so that it’s undeniable.” People showing up. Formerly mocked religious, Christian people showing up. God showing up through people in unexpected, even initially unwelcomed ways. He began to recount them: My first morning in the hospital, I got up at five o’clock. This nurse, Donna, woke me up and said, “Would you mind if I prayed for you?“ And I said, “I don’t want you to do that. I don’t believe in God.” And she grabs my hand and starts praying for me in a very, very kind way. It wasn’t like, ‘shut your mouth while I pray.’ She just smiled and took my hand and then she bowed her head and started praying. I was looking at her and it was a really sweet prayer. She was a sweet, sweet person. Then, she finishes her prayer and asked, “Do you mind if I read you the Bible?” I said, “I told you, I don’t believe in God. I don’t believe in the Bible.” And she said, “That’s okay.” She read to me every morning. She thought I was going to die so shared Christ and was kind and encouraging.

Three days later his aunt and uncle visited him in the hospital with a Bible in hand, leading him to take his first step towards God.

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They said, “We just became Christians a few months ago. We’ve accepted Christ as our Savior and we brought you a bible” and they had highlighted a verse. I opened the bible and said, “That’s weird. My nurse just read that verse to me a couple of days ago.” That’s when I thought, ‘There’s something going on.’ So that night, I said this crude prayer by myself, this ‘if you’re out there’ kind of prayer.

After Gary returned home, other Christians began to invest in his life, healing deep wounds and helping him feel the love of a God as a Father who cared. He described their impact, There were people from church who were bringing meals and babysitting. There was food and notes showing up on the doorstep, people reaching out who we didn’t know. I lived in a close-knit community. ‘This kid has broken his neck. We don’t know if he is going to live or die.’ If you heard that in your neighborhood, you’d say, “We are bringing over meals. Whatever it takes we will do.” If you know God, it is, “This is a chance to love this family. There’s a need.” There were these things happening. When I got home, my first night back I sensed that ‘I am not an atheist anymore.’ I started to reject that. I thought, ‘There are some good people out there.’ It really was Donna. There was something very genuine about that.

Compelled by the love shown by Christians, Gary’s family began to attend church where a youth pastor began intentional investment in his life. He called to mind their pivotal relationship, along with others, that helped him find his way to the truth of God’s love: God sent me the best older brother you could ever hope for. He just sent literally an angel. My youth pastor, Brian, would come pick me up on his motorcycle and say, “You want to go get a Slurpee and just talk?” Nobody had ever just talked to me about what I love, what I dream of doing. I started playing basketball because I couldn’t play any other sport. And he would come and say, “Man, do I love to watch you play!” Things that a father would say. He would say all the right things. He was so safe for me. He didn’t want anything from me. He didn’t ever try to make a weird move on me. He was the greatest and I needed the greatest person you ever met because I had been so wounded by people who should have loved me and shouldn’t have betrayed me, these evil people that would beat you up and choke you out. Brian had a way of making the gospel come alive. I remember walking up my driveway after being at his house one night and I thought, ‘This is real.’ I’ll never forget that. So, of course, God had sent him. I started to have all of this evidence that God is active in the world. He gave me Donna. He gave me Brian. He gave me the Bible that I started to understand, and it made sense to me. I was saved. I knew that. I don’t know when. I just knew I believed every single bit of this and felt it at an atomic level.



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I knew that God created me and that He loved me, and this was it. This is what I have been searching for.

Since conversion, Gary has strategically invested in and challenged others towards their misconceptions of self and God using a mixture of apologetics and love to open others to the possibility of something more. What were the defining influences pointing Gary towards atheism? Who and what then turned him towards openness, questing, and conversion? ANNA’S STORY Anna strongly identified with atheism from her earliest memories. Although she was born in the home of atheistic parents, they wanted her to decide for herself what to believe about God. After her grandfather’s death, she realized that “God isn’t that powerful after all.” This realization was “the sparking moment” that moved her towards agnosticism. As she grew, Anna attended her father’s philosophy classes where she listened to both sides of the arguments and became a convinced atheist. Confident in her view of reality, she readily challenged her school-aged Christian friends but found they were short on answers. She recalled one pivotal exchange confirming her disbelief and her alienation from believers: Christian kids would tell me, “Just because the Bible says so.” Then I would say “How do you know that what the Bible says is true?” It really felt like people believe this because they are born into it. As I got older when I was in high school, I brought a Bible to school with post it notes where the contradictions were. I would ask my friend “How do you make sense of this?” They didn’t know how to respond. A boy who was an evangelical Christian kept arguing with me every day and other kids would hear our argument. One day, a bunch of them surrounded me and asked, “Why are you an atheist? Why aren’t you a Christian?” One boy said, “I am going to come to your house and shoot all of the atheists.” That was the first time I felt alienated by Christians, afraid of this whole religion business. That’s when I thought, ‘I’m an atheist and this is how the world should be. You shouldn’t force your religion on to me.’ That was probably the turning point.

An out-spoken atheist, Anna called into a nationally syndicated radio show to defend her position against the phrase “under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance. The show host then asked her why she didn’t believe in God. She then gave him her “best argument for atheism”: “If God was omnipotent, then he should be able to create anything. If God is omnipotent, then he should be able to lift or carry anything. He should not be able to create a rock that he

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cannot lift. The paradox of the stone.” Armed with philosophical arguments against God, no one seemed to be able to adequately answer her objections. For Anna, naturalism seemed to be the settled logical, rational belief until she unexpectedly met intelligent Christians at Harvard University who began to substantively challenge her positions. Their discussions caused her to reconsider the strength of her beliefs, especially naturalism’s lack of grounding for objective morality. A self-proclaimed “conservative atheist,” she “strongly believed in objective morality” and began searching for a way to support her view. First approaching her father with her dilemma, he refused to give her a direct answer, instead recommending books by Ayn Rand. While Rand’s writing style was beautiful and imaginative, Anna found her philosophy lacking, “like a castle built upon a cloud. There was nothing supporting it.” Unable to reconcile naturalistic atheism with her strong belief in objective morality, she began to wonder if nihilism was her only choice. She desperately wanted to resolve this cognitive dissonance and make sense of her intellectual world. Seeking answers, Anna asked a former teacher about moral grounding. He told her that morality was formulated either through a transcendent source (God) or through societal consensus, but she could not accept either option. “I don’t think you can get objective morality from God because he doesn’t exist. And you can’t get it from consensus because that changes.” After more intellectual wrestling, she had an “epiphany”: It was very clear that to kill me was wrong. What I am as a human being—all of my thoughts, emotions, and capabilities—it is very clear that that’s good and that it is bad to destroy it. Then, I was talking with my friend, and it hit me. He is just as awesome as I am. He has got all of these thoughts and emotions and I cannot understand all of his, but just as a whole, complete person . . . There was a very strong sensation of being overwhelmed with how awesome human beings are and how wrong it would be to harm one, and how large the world seemed. I was overwhelmed with the whole experience. After that I knew it was wrong to kill another person. I may not be able to tell you why, but I knew that it’s wrong.

Anna knew that humans had inherent value and that it was wrong to harm them, but she didn’t have the resources within naturalism to explain why. Around that time, she began debating her university friends on arguments and evidence for the existence of God and the truth of Christianity, including issues surrounding the Bible and the historical evidence for the resurrection of Christ. Driven by intellectual ideas, she was not going to believe in God unless there were substantial reasons to do so. Reflecting on her search, she said, There were definitely strong arguments that I had and what it really took for me to become a Christian was for those arguments to be dismantled and for me to



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find arguments for the other side. I don’t think I could believe something unless I thought it was true. I had to evaluate each thing, each step in the process. I looked at both sides and argued with my dad. I read Richard Dawkins and I said, “Okay Richard Dawkins, ‘wow me.’” And I was so disappointed in him. I was so depressed. I thought, ‘This is what other atheists think? What’s wrong with them?’ I tried my best to be objective, to look at both sides, to read both sides.

The more Anna studied, the more she became convinced of the Christian worldview. She then began reading the Bible, confused that the crucifixion accounts left her emotionally unmoved despite her new intellectual belief. It led her to pray, “God, my head thinks it is true, but my heart is totally not in it. What is wrong with this? What is wrong with me?” Soon afterwards, she realized, I started feeling the weight of my sin very strongly, that I was not living up to my ideals. I saw a beauty in Christianity that I had never seen before. I had seen Christ on the cross thousands of times, but I did not really know what it meant. But someone explained it to me, “This is a sign of God dying for you.” Then I thought, “This is love. This is beauty.” Then I remembered my high school teacher telling me, “Love is sacrifice.” That’s when I realized, ‘He is right. Sacrifice is love.’ It clicked. I found out that at its root, Christianity is about love.

Altogether, the intellectual, moral, experiential, and spiritual truths of Christianity convinced her to become a follower of Christ. She no longer saw Christianity as man-made, irrelevant, and irrational, but rather the divinely given source and substance of what she thought and felt to be true, which helped her make sense of all of life and reality. Questions which had haunted her as an atheist found resolution in the fullness of the worldview for which she became an active advocate. In considering her story, what combination of experiences and influences caused her to form atheistic beliefs, become open towards thinking more deeply about her own worldview and considering another, and further convinced her of the truth of Christianity and Christ? What role did uninformed or informed Christians play in her willingness (or not) to investigate Christianity along the way? JESSICA’S STORY Jessica believed in God as a child, but rejected her faith due to the legalistic, oppressive use of Christian religion in her life. She learned to hate the Bible at an early age because of the way she felt it was used against her, recalling,

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We weren’t allowed to have friends who were not in our church. We weren’t allowed to attend school dances or things like that. The Bible was weaponized as punishment for my brother and me. When we lied about anything we had to look up bible verses addressing the problem that we had, the topic of our sin and then write them in a journal. So, I learned to hate the Bible by the time I was about 15. I really just did not want anything to do with it.

Ironically, this burdensome religion also revealed a repulsive hypocrisy in her parents with their insistent obedience to rules, but lack of their own kindness and grace. Jessica felt alienated from God and religion, wanting something quite different for her own life. She left home at 17 years old and became an atheist within two years, critical of all Christians: I strongly affirmed God’s non-existence outwardly all the time but inwardly questioned myself on that belief from time to time. I went through periods of true disbelief and periods of wondering (silently, to myself) if there might be a higher power—and anger at the thought of there being a God who seemed so unkind. I wasn’t actively looking to refute the existence of God, but I definitely embraced every opportunity to confirm that Christians were generally ignorant and awful people . . . I had decided a long, long time ago that there was no God. There just couldn’t be because no God could produce such awful people as His followers. Any job that I had or any class that I took at school where I knew people if they identified themselves as religious, I immediately wrote them off. There may have been some great people out there that I just didn’t want anything to do with. I was looking for the bad all of those years. Anytime I saw a Christian do anything I could judge, I did.

By the time she was 22, Jessica was tired of working and married early to escape but divorced shortly thereafter. Emotionally vulnerable, she “went from relationship to relationship putting all of my junk on whoever was in my life and expected them to be everything. Something that no human being could ever be.” One of these young men was a Muslim. She began attending mosques, opening herself up to Eastern religions, causing her to reconsider the question of God. Within Hindu and Buddhist temples, she found acceptance, beauty, and belonging, but spiritual emptiness. During this confusing time, a devastating tragedy propelled her towards confirmed disbelief. Jessica’s closest friend suddenly died in a car accident, validating her view that God does not, could not exist: Any remaining shred of thought of praying or anything like that was gone. My friend had been sober for only three months when she died. The accident was not her fault. And I thought, ‘Okay God, you are a horrible, horrible thing if you are real because that’s disgusting. Why would you do that? Are you laughing? You just snuff out her life. Is this a sick joke?’ On the one hand, I would’ve



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sworn up and down that I did not believe that God existed and on the other hand, I blamed him for what was going on. That one just sealed it. So, I carried that around with me.

Eventually, Jessica began reading atheist books to cement her belief as well as prove to others that God did not exist. She also got involved in an unhealthy, abusive relationship with another atheist. One day, she heard a pastor on the radio talking about Christian hypocrisy, resonating with her own views. It piqued her curiosity enough to attend his church on Easter where the pastor spoke of Christ’s resurrection as a historical event. This surprising assertion compelled her towards a consuming search for new answers about the Christian faith, remembering, “I was not at all convinced, but I was becoming more and more interested. I wasn’t sleeping because I was reading so many books and I was watching so many messages. I was googling all this stuff about my questions. I bought a Bible on Amazon.com and started reading that.” She also began attending a church small group exploring the truth of Christianity. Admittedly, she attended with the intent to confront and expose the emptiness of Christianity and its followers, but she found the group leaders warm and accepting, good listeners who genuinely cared about her and her life. She recalled, The first week I said, “I don’t believe that there is a God, but if there is he is a real *!%*#.” I didn’t say it for the shock value. It was really what I felt. But as soon as it came out of my mouth, I thought, ‘What are you going to do with that?’ And the leader, with a completely straight face said, “Okay, that’s legitimate.” And then she moved on. I wanted her to say, “Okay, you need to leave.” But she didn’t. I had that attitude for the first few weeks. I would sit there, arms crossed, mad. She gave me space and let me say all of those things. I was arguing, fighting her tooth and nail.

Ten days before her wedding, Jessica called it off. Noticing an empty ring finger, her small group leader took a personal, caring interest—again, not what she expected from a Christian. She said, “Do you want to talk about it?” And we stayed and talked for about two hours. I told her, “You are the first Christian I have ever liked. And I am not even sure that I like you. But I don’t dislike you.” She accepted the awful statements I was making and any arguments I was giving her. I was just being difficult. And when she told her story, she was very honest and real about some struggles she had had that were big by any standards. It wasn’t a story of, this horrible thing happened to me and God was there. For me, what resonated was, ‘I did this, and God was there’ because that was more like me—choice after bad choice after bad choice. It was really cool to me that she could just lay it all out

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there in church with people she didn’t know and be totally confident at the end, ‘I know who I am.’

A few days later, Jessica was unexpectedly fired from her job. Through that time, she said, “Everything in my life was completely horrible,” but she felt somehow that God was taking care of her, giving her a place to stay and providing a job for her at the church, “even though I didn’t even know what I believed.” A few weeks later, she prayed her first real prayer. I prayed, legitimately prayed. It wasn’t like this overwhelming sense of peace where the clouds parted and God spoke to me or anything like that, but it felt like a small loss to me. I now have to let go of all of this stuff that I have held onto for a really long time. This battle is over. When I prayed it was like this, “God, I’m not sure if you are listening. I am able to accept that maybe, perhaps you are real, that there is something to this or people have told themselves a really good lie for thousands of years. I would like to know so either way. I don’t think I hate you anymore.”

Jessica then began talking about “the single most important thing that was presented to me through going to church and the things that I read.” All ears, I leaned in. . . I was finally told for the first time that “Hey, this isn’t about you.” That is all that I ever thought God was, from Christians at least, that God was someone they looked to solve their problems or to give them things they wanted and also told them what to do, what rules to follow. I had never heard that you live for Him, that it is about Him. He doesn’t owe me answers as to why my friend died. He doesn’t owe me an explanation for anything. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. It means he is so much, vastly more than any of that. All of that is such a small, small thing—not that it is not significant, but that He is huge. He is about so much more than all of that. You would think it would be sad that now I have to live for someone else, but I thought, ‘This is something I can believe.’ I think that was the turning point, honestly. There was something shallow about Christianity the way it was presented, and this was very deep and very real. God is bigger than me. I realized, ‘If this is real, then this is a bigger deal than I ever thought. This is not something that means now I have something different to do on Sundays. This is not something that means that I have a different group of friends. This is something that means everything changes.’

Jessica found the God who was bigger than she imagined. She found a faith that was not the shallow scaffolding of rules and good behavior, but was deep, rich, life giving, and transforming. She found a community of acceptance, love, and life and a deep desire to help those who have not yet found Christ, especially in the Muslim community. She found purpose. She wanted to live



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as someone whose life profoundly reflected that reality and not the false narrative she once knew. What were the experiences that turned her away from God. What were the turning points in Jessica’s life that led her to an all-encompassing faith? In what ways did Christians experientially surprise her, opening her towards a serious intellectual consideration of the faith she once rejected? NICHOLAS’S STORY Nicholas grew up in a spiritually divided home with his mother a Mormon and father a Lutheran, attending both churches on a rotating schedule. He and his brother never accepted any form of religion, rejecting them all by his teenage years. He recalled, Religions were just picking your favorite flavor because one was not truer than the other which probably means there is no God. So, that’s when I became an atheist. I told my parents I did not want to go to church anymore, and I told them out right that I did not believe in God. They respected that and I stopped going to church. A year or two later, my dad stopped going and became an agnostic. He started reading books by Christopher Hitchens, Richard Dawkins, and Sam Harris and felt that those arguments were compelling enough. I can never even remember my brother having any type of belief, and he is three years younger than I am.

As an atheist, Nicolas thought that “religion was more of a comforter than anything.” He believed Christianity was a man-made religion and that Christians were irrational, deluded, intolerant people who lacked knowledge and understanding of scientific evidence. In his view, “Disbelief was the only reasonable and logical conclusion you could make. You could say we are not quite sure there is a God, but you certainly could not say that there is a God because of science and the advances that we have had.” Atheism provided substantive, rational answers to the issues of life and reality, and allowed him moral freedom in his personal choices. Highly certain of his atheism, he did not think anything would be sufficient to change his worldview, for it held intellectual superiority over any other. An avid reader and natural ‘thinker,’ Nicholas pursued a philosophy degree at university in part to ground his atheistic beliefs. This quest led him on towards an unexpected turn as he began to consider the implications of his naturalistic worldview. He recalled, I took a Frederick Nietzsche class in college where we learned about Nietzsche and nihilism and the “God is dead” argument. And that is where it really hit me, because Nietzsche is spot on if you take atheism to its logical conclusion

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then there is no such thing as morals anymore. There is no such thing as right or wrong. A purposeful life, it doesn’t mean anything. It was something that I soberly recognized and marched on.

The realization of a nihilistic outcome created internal tension for Nicholas. No real right and wrong. No real purpose in life. These were merely useful fictions, illusions propagated by evolution to spur on survival. Were naturalism and nihilism the only intellectually credible options? This was a tension that needed resolution, causing him to begin a quest to find out. His uncle was a brilliant man, someone whom he respected intellectually, but was also someone who believed in God and Christianity. Now open to search for answers beyond atheism, Nicholas sought him out for guidance, remembering, The logical conclusions of nihilism are what caused me to go to my uncle who has a PhD in theology from Oxford University and begin asking questions. I asked him about the actual, historical, objective evidence for Christianity and he sent me a book about Jesus’s resurrection.1 I was convinced after reading that book. He did not get into it deeply with me at all. He is not a pushy guy at all. He wasn’t trying to convince me of anything. He wasn’t trying to argue Christianity with me. He basically said, “Look, read the evidence for yourself and decide.” After reading about the historical evidence behind it about the resurrection, the culture Jesus grew up in, and how NT Wright lays down the argument that is basically indisputable, it is something I can’t really explain, but all of a sudden, I had an immediate mind switch. I thought ‘Wow, I believe in this stuff.’ That is how it happened.

He could not honestly discount the accumulation of historical evidence for the resurrection of Christ, the cornerstone touchpoint of Christianity. As an intellectual, he was honestly searching for answers without dismissing it out of hand as he may have prior to this quest, “It is not like I was looking for the evidence, but I would say that I had my mind open to follow the evidence wherever the evidence could lead. So, in other words, it was not like I was looking for that answer, but I wasn’t going to read it and be totally skeptical of what I was finding there. Once he believed in the intellectual credibility of the resurrection, he began reading the Bible for the first time, saying. “After that, I actually picked up a Bible and started reading Matthew. And from there, I started putting everything together. I actually started reading the Bible for the first time very critically and looking at as to how it is an actual historical document from the people who were there. That’s when it hit me. I thought, ‘Okay, this is starting to get serious now because it is more than just someone claimed of being raised from the dead. It is something that happened in history.’”



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While investigating Christianity, Nicholas also began dating a Christian girl, attending church, and became interested in history and traditions of the early Christians. Through this experience, along with continued reading of the Bible, he began to feel personally connected to a grander narrative and what had gone before. As he became convinced of the truth of Christianity and decided to accept Christ, he became part of that history, part of reality that seemed to be disconnected and meaningless within atheism. After conversion, he found a way to ground objective morality, purpose, meaning, consciousness, free will, and even rationality itself. Nicholas experienced a dramatic change of course. Although once highly convinced of his atheistic worldview, he moved to an even stronger all-encompassing Christian belief with the best explanatory power sitting within a larger historical and spiritual story grounding all of time past, present, and future. Nicholas describes his “journey to Christianity was 99% logical, rather than emotional. I needed to feel like my Christian beliefs had real world application and made sense logically and rationally.” How do you both intellectual and experiential elements come into play through his atheist belief formation, questioning, searching, and conversion to Christianity? GREG’S STORY Raised in a nominally religious home and culture, Greg was apathetic about the question of God. Religion was irrelevant in his surrounding culture and to his own life. He recalled, “I don’t remember thinking about it a lot. It was something that never crossed my mind as a youth and in my early teens. I never really gave it a lot of attention. I didn’t really care.” While at university, he became more interested in the question of God. Browsing on the internet, he found atheist Dan Barker, a member of the Freedom from Religion Foundation, began reading his debate transcripts, and found his views resonating with his own beliefs. A thinker, Greg was “thrilled to have discovered someone who was intellectual and angry against God” and to have found his new “intellectual home.” A militant atheist, he argued with Christians and mocked their beliefs, laughing at their counter-arguments. He viewed Christians as emotionally weak and intellectually impotent as compared with atheism’s courageous, sobered perspective. Educated in biology, Greg considered himself “a champion of the scientific worldview” and “amateur astronomer” and thought “science was the only answer for how you want to understand anything in the world.” In his view, religious people “don’t understand or appreciate science. Either they are ignorant, stupid, or undereducated.” Adding to Greg’s sense of intellectual satisfaction was the

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personal moral freedom atheism provided. But over time, he began to consider the way he was hurting himself and others, causing him to step back and reconsider his choices: At first it was fantastic! I could do whatever I wanted. There was no one to judge your behavior. You could write your own moral blank check. I definitely took advantage of that in my early 20s. I didn’t see a problem behind it until years later through descending through into lower and lower levels of depravity—the things I did to people, ways I betrayed people, the things I gave myself license to do that were really, really horrific in a lot of ways. It started causing problems for me in my relationships, in my habits, in the ways I was treating people, and my attitudes towards other people. After a history of this I reflected on where is this taking me. There is no bottom to it. You can just go on and on forever in terms of just creating your own morality. You can excuse anything you want if you have a mind to do it. I started thinking, ‘What am I doing?’ ‘Who am I becoming?’ And the futility of life and self-loathing, too, from reflecting on my own moral failures. Even as an atheist, I still recognized that these things were inherently not right. And, even though I couldn’t justify on an ad hoc basis something I did for years, it had become too much to bear on my conscience after a number of years of this.

After this realization, Greg moved from a “militant atheism” to a “despairing nihilistic atheism” where he “didn’t see any other alternative for atheism but didn’t delight in it either. It felt like a very empty worldview that didn’t bring any comfort or joy, and like seemed hopeless at that point.” Describing this shift, Greg said, “My atheism mellowed out. It just faded into the background. It was just my default point of view. It wasn’t something I advocated. I stopped buying books about it. It became, ‘Yeah, I’m an atheist and that’s fine.’ There was nowhere else to go. It didn’t bring me the kind of satisfaction that it used to. Into my early 30s, I started finding nothing in this worldview.” One of the “great ironies” of Greg’s story was his affection for Christian girls, having dated one in high school and marrying another after college. Their lives and their family’s lives seemed oddly attractive to him, quietly countering his outward disdain for Christians and Christianity. During this time, he began to see a stark contrast between their joy-filled, contented lives and his own cynicism. He recalls, My high school sweetheart was a devout Christian while I was a militant atheist. Her family were all Anglicans, very devout people, very humble, wonderful people. Just big hearts. My in-laws never seemed to really be down about anything. They always seemed to have a positive outlook even if things weren’t going well their lives. They didn’t really have a lot of money. They didn’t have a lot of anything. They were always kind and warm-hearted, never cynical. Cynicism became a big part of my mindset, reflecting on the injustice of the



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world, the meaninglessness of life, the corruptness in government and politicians. I became very bitter and jaded and they didn’t look at the world through that kind of lens. It caused me to wonder, ‘Why not?’ I wanted to be like that, but would have to sacrifice my own intellectual convictions. I wouldn’t be true to myself. I still wanted to be that kind of person, but I didn’t know how to do it in atheism.

Eventually, the emptiness of his own life and a search for meaning became the driver towards allowing him to willingly consider something beyond atheism: It was a combination of being around Christians, getting older and perceiving your mortality a bit more. Realizing the fear of nothingness, of emptiness, of meaninglessness was a huge driver. Especially meaninglessness. Life seemed like years of struggle to pay mortgages, to work. And, work isn’t always meaningful; it is a drudgery. I thought, ‘What is the point of all of this? Is all I have to look forward to is another 10, 20, 30 years I have left and just grinding through life and then dying? This is pointless. Why work so hard to achieve things that will just vanish anyway? You are going to die. Everything you work for is going away into the hands of strangers. It felt like building a sand castle along the beach at low tide knowing that the tide is going to come in and wipe it out. It doesn’t matter how long that tide is going to take to come in, it is going to eventually be gone. That was a huge driver, the search for meaning. It made me a lot more open to listen to millions of people throughout history who have had religion of one kind or another. I thought, ‘Is it really honest to say that 95% of humanity all got it wrong in one form or another? Are you so sure that your worldview is so correct and you are more intelligent that you aren’t willing to consider it?’ It was a humbling process. I had to ask myself, ‘Am I willing to consider another point of view, in that mine has nothing to offer?’ I didn’t delight in the intellectual superiority of it anymore. That was the only benefit that I had—the freedom to do your own thing and your ability to carve out an intellectual high point for yourself. Reflecting on the futility of life as an atheist was something that really laid the groundwork for me to investigate something else.

Not long after that, his wife’s grandmother died after a long battle with cancer. During the funeral, the pastor read from the Psalms. That evening, his wife brought her Bible to their room and left it on the bedside table. Curious of what the Bible had to say about death, Greg started reading in the book of Acts. He was “amazed” at what he found, especially finding characters who had such “moral character” and “intellectual rigor,” who committed their entire lives to spreading the gospel at the cost of their own lives. Through reading the Bible, he also gained a fuller understanding of Jesus significantly different from what he remembered from his limited religious training as a

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reluctant teenager, overwhelmed by Jesus’ authority, power, intellect, teaching, compassion, and courage. Greg’s initial, skeptical curiosity turned into voracious reading of the entire Bible in four months. He also began diligently investigating the textual reliability of the Bible, asking questions like, “When did they write this? Who wrote this? How did it get to the state we have now? Did they doctor it? Did they tamper with it?” Still an atheist at the time, he approached the answers with a cautious skepticism because he “didn’t want to be fooled.” For eighteen months, he “listened to apologetics because, if Christianity was true I had to know it was absolutely true in my mind from an intellectual point of view because I was so wary of being self-deceived that I wanted to have every question answered.” The more he learned, the more convinced he became in the truth of Christianity. But intellectual belief wasn’t enough. At this point, Greg found “this yawning chasm in front of me, a heart issue. There wasn’t a repentance, a turning to Christ. That was lacking.” His final turning point arrived while on a business trip when he encountered a self-described religious experience: I was walking downtown in a very old city and there was this beautiful cathedral. It was just enormous. It is beautiful. And I thought I would just go inside just to see it and reflect or think. I don’t know what I was doing. I don’t know what God was doing. It had huge granite steps leading up to it. There was a beggar sitting on the stairs leading up to the entrance and he was begging for change in French so I didn’t understand him. I just dismissed him. I said, “No, I can’t help you.” I walked right past him. I was at one end of the cathedral and there were a series of master bronze double doors going across all along the front of it. I was trying each set in turn to get in and they were locked. I was trying to open one set and then I would walk down 10 feet and try to open another set. I skipped past a set and went down to the end and they were all locked. Then I heard someone say, “Come, come.” I turned around and the beggar was there. He was holding open the double doors for me and I was so immediately convicted in my heart right at that moment. It wasn’t just that he was holding the doors open for me, but even then at that moment I realized that this was the grace of God for me, opening the door to relationship with him. I was just so convicted at that moment with all of the sin in my life. Looking into the face of this man, I was so ashamed of myself. I couldn’t look him in the eye but said, “thank you” and I walked in. I was just ashamed of my own sinfulness at that point. I have to believe that he was sent from God. I’m sure that man had been there for his whole life but at that moment it had to have been. I was convinced of it. It was just so humbling. I can’t get in on my own but God opens the door through the most humble man, the most simple man. It just seemed so biblical to me that God would humble me with this man who I had just dismissed in my haste to go to a church! The irony of it wasn’t lost on me. It was pretty intense. I think I sat inside for 40 minutes to an hour in the silence just reflecting on it.



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I prayed to God and said, “I’ll accept.” That was the beginning of it for me. It was amazing. It was beautiful. It was great.

Four years after his conversion, I asked Greg if he had found the meaning in life that had alluded him as an atheist. He replied, Yes, it’s amazing! There is meaning to life and it is incredible. Sometimes still it seems like it is almost too good, too amazing to believe to be true. It is amazing when I read through the book of Revelation and read about what the new heaven and the new earth are going to be like. It seems so incredible. And all of Jesus’s portraits of what life will be like with the Father, it just seems so incredible. It’s amazing. It gives you such hope. And so I just want to be able to have it inform the way that I live. I want to be able to live with that every day. It’s still a challenge sometimes.

Greg’s whole life transformation from atheism to Christianity was undeniable. Despite many years of obstinate resolution as an atheist, Greg was courageous enough to look deeply at his own atheism and became willing to change his worldview. Pride and stubbornness did not get in the way of finding truth. His conversion story reminded me of C.S. Lewis’s common sense understanding of making progress in life: Progress means getting nearer to the place where you want to be. And if you have taken a wrong turning, then to go forward does not get you any nearer. If you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; and in that case the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive man. We have all seen this when doing arithmetic. When I have started a sum the wrong way, the sooner I admit this and go back and start again, the faster I shall get on. There is nothing progressive about being pig headed and refusing to admit a mistake. And I think if you look at the present state of the world, it is pretty plain that humanity has been making some big mistake. We are on the wrong road. And if that is so, we must go back. Going back is the quickest way on.2

In considering Greg’s story, what are the identifiable motivations, influences, circumstances, and experiences that helped form and inform his disbelief, openness towards change, questing for answers, and eventual conversion to Christianity?

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NOTES 1. Wright, N.T., (2003), The Resurrection of the Son of God, Minneapolis, MN: Augsburg Fortress. 2. C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, Book 1, Chapter 5, “We Have Cause to be Uneasy,” pp. 28–29, 1952.

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Index

atheism: emotional, 42, 58; humanistic, 42, 57–58; intellectual reasons, 12, 18, 41, 43, 48–49, 56, 75; meaninglessness, 186; moral autonomy, 208; rates, 57; reasons, 12, 39–59; scientific, 42, 57; story, 25–26, 35, 41, 57, 65; strength, 21, 54, 81 atheist: view of Christianity, 62–63, 65; view of Christians, 64 authority, 36, 48–49, 61, 65, 69, 102 Beit-Hallahmi, B., 56, 213 belief: formation, xiv, 41, 51, 67, 72, 153, 173; rationality of, 26, 34, 42, 68, 84, 121, 154, 165, 207; resistance, 4, 7, 40, 45, 54–55, 72, 75–76, 81, 95, 97, 104– 5, 192, 196; scientific and religious compatibility, 50, 53;

substance, 4, 62, 110–11, 145, 149–51, 153, 156, 161, 171, 173, 177; superstition, 26, 35, 62, 65 Bible, 17–18, 29, 75, 78–80, 96, 98–99, 104, 120–21, 127–30, 132–33, 140– 41, 152, 155–57, 164–65, 179, 186, 197–203, 206–7, 209–10 biographical reconstruction, 158, 172 Bradley, D.F., 56, 213 catalyst, 5, 10, 71, 73–111, 111, 113, 116–17, 119–20, 135–36, 138, 147, 149–50, 196; crisis, 77, 95–99, 104, 157, 159, 172; existential longing, 87; intellectual, 80, 86; intellectual longing, 83–84, 86–87 social relational, 99–100, 102 Christian beliefs, 29, 36, 40, 43, 53, 58, 66, 120–22, 125, 132, 154–55 Christian conversion, 7, 9, 13, 17, 27, 31, 37, 172 Christianity: disprove, 32, 78–79, 81, 86, 101– 2, 105, 113, 115–16, 120, 128; exposure to, 39, 43–45, 65, 83, 177–78 219

220

Index

Christians, intelligent, 80–82, 86, 100, 117, 200 church, attendance, 45, 58, 91, 103–4, 131–32, 134–36, 139–40, 155, 157, 169, 171 consciousness, 13–14, 24, 28, 68, 84, 116–17, 151, 162, 165, 207 conversion process, 11–12, 14, 109–10, 122, 124, 147–50, 153–54, 156, 159, 176, 178, 181, 184; atheism stage, 52, 92, 125; catalyst stage, 73, 107–9, 112, 149–50, 156; conversion stage, 140, 147–50, 154, 156, 161; post-conversion stage, 152, 156, 172–73, 178, 180, 182, 184, 188, 196; quest stage, 73–74, 76, 78–79, 84, 87–88, 91–92, 105, 107, 110, 111–45, 148–50, 196, 199–200, 206–7 conversion stories, 4, 31, 73, 95, 158, 171–72, 179 cosmos, xii, 22–23, 25–26, 28–29, 36, 87 culture, xi–xii, 11, 39, 43, 62, 87, 91, 161, 166, 168, 216–17 Dawkins, R., 25, 34, 50, 58, 75, 80, 85, 161, 201, 205 death, 23, 28, 68–69, 90, 92, 95, 99, 154, 209 depression, 1, 189–90 dreams, 13, 105–7, 143, 198 education, 9, 17–18, 41–42, 51, 58–59, 62, 64, 71, 161, 178, 180 evidence, xii, 43, 50–51, 54, 74–75, 78–80, 112, 115–16, 118, 120–21, 163, 178, 180–81, 198, 206; historical, 58, 78, 81–82, 121–22, 163, 200, 206 existential, 15, 42, 77, 109, 113, 115, 160, 184, 187;

emptiness, 88, 91–92, 187, 209; meaning and purpose, 4–5, 23–25, 68–71, 87–93, 102, 117, 119, 157, 159, 162, 173, 175–76, 184–87, 209, 211; meaning and purpose, 70, 88, 92, 209; satisfaction, 70, 87, 89, 92–93, 108, 184–85, 187, 208 Fackre, G., 36, 214 family, 44, 46–47, 58, 62, 102, 104, 131–32, 161–62, 164, 166, 169, 192, 208; mother, xi, 44–46, 65, 85, 96, 102, 107, 114, 154, 161–66, 185; parents, 10, 44–47, 49, 57–58, 79, 90, 154, 161, 164, 202, 205 Farhadian, C. E., 13, 18–19, 215, 217 free will, 24, 28, 68, 84, 87, 92, 116, 119, 186 Gooren, H., ix, 15, 110, 214 gospel, 63, 67, 96, 100, 129–30, 138– 41, 152, 164, 170–71, 186, 188 Heirich, M., 16–17, 87, 93, 112–13, 115, 125, 215 Hindmarsh, B., 15, 37–38, 215 Holy Spirit, 136, 141, 165–66, 179–80 Hunsberger, B., 18–19, 213, 215 identity, xiii, xv, 4–6, 89, 92, 152, 154, 156, 158, 172–73, 175, 180– 81, 183–84; post-conversion, 159, 180–82, 184 Iyadurai, J., 13–14, 17–18, 215 Langston, J., 14, 19, 156–57 Lewis, C.S., 13, 58, 92–93, 135, 158, 188, 211 life experience, xi, xv, 4, 10, 39, 52, 61, 88, 108, 188–89, 197

Index

miracles, 13, 25, 75, 129 morality, 24–25, 28, 68, 81, 84–85, 90, 116–17, 121, 125, 176–77, 185, 200, 207–8 narrative analysis, 154, 156, 159, 171– 73, 181, 183 naturalism, 22–29, 43–44, 50–51, 53–54, 68–69, 75–76, 78–81, 84–90, 92, 101–2, 112, 115–16, 118–19, 176–77, 200; the natural world, 7, 22, 24–25, 27–29, 34, 55, 69, 78, 105, 179–80; nihilism, 81, 87–88, 90, 162–63, 185, 200, 205–6 naturalistic atheism, xiii–xiv, 23, 27, 29, 40, 84, 87, 117–18, 151, 158, 177 New Atheists, 57–59, 63, 80, 89, 97 Newbigin, L., 16–17, 29, 36, 55, 216 Nietzsche, F., 35, 90, 162–63, 205 pain, 2–3, 31, 36, 46, 56, 97, 192, 195 personal experiences, 8, 13, 41, 45, 48, 54, 56, 103, 189, 191 prayer, 2–3, 5, 45–46, 96, 98, 107, 134– 36, 138, 140–41, 166–67, 179–80, 186, 197–198, 201 Rambo, L., 7, 16, 18–19, 76, 93, 110, 215–17 religious belief, plausibility, 11, 29, 39, 45, 62, 74, 100 religious conversion, xiii–xv, 1, 3–19, 113, 115, 122, 124, 151, 153–54, 156, 158–59, 172–73, 195–96, 214–17, 219; attachment theory, 214; complexity, xv, 147–73; comprehensiveness, 9, 153, 175–93; defined, 7; demands, 7–8; functional approach, 6, 153; integrated nature, 151, 156, 158;

221

intellectual belief, 12, 15, 122, 141, 149–50, 152, 210; life transformation, xv, 4–5, 7, 123, 139, 158, 175, 178, 189, 211; literature, 15; models, 16, 23, 99, 160, 173; patterns, 15, 86, 110, 158, 171, 173; reasons, 121; reduction, 14–15, 111, 158; research, 10, 13, 15, 101, 157; secularized framing, xiv; thick forms, 8–9, 12, 147, 152, 158 religious hypocrisy, 18, 58 Ruse, M., 24, 34, 59, 213–17 science, 23–24, 26, 32, 34–35, 50–51, 53, 58, 78, 81–82, 155, 157, 162, 167, 205, 207–8 sense-making, 50–51, 71, 84, 89, 91, 176–78 Snow, D.A., 15–17, 217 spiritual experience, 12–15, 17, 69–70, 74, 107–8, 110, 130, 135–36, 138– 42, 145, 150, 152–53, 179 Taylor, C., 26–27, 35–36, 218 Vitz, P., 16, 36, 218 volitional will, 73, 75–76, 79, 81, 83–84, 88, 97, 99–100, 104–5, 107, 109–10, 133–34, 149–50, 157–58, 196 worldview: biblical, 79–80, 86–87, 102, 110, 112–13, 115, 118, 121–22, 147, 151, 177–78, 184–87; implications, xiv–xv, 68–69, 71, 84, 86–87, 115, 118–19, 122, 159, 205; naturalism, 40, 42, 48, 50–51, 54–55, 58, 68, 84–87,

222

Index

116, 118, 120, 122, 184– 85, 205, 207; scientific, 34, 51, 207

Zuckerman, P., 17, 34, 56–57, 218

About the Author

Jana Harmon hosts the Side B Stories podcast where former skeptics and atheists tell their stories of conversion from disbelief to belief in God and Christianity. She is a Teaching Fellow for the C.S. Lewis Institute of Atlanta and a former adjunct professor in Cultural Apologetics at Biola University where she received an MA in Christian Apologetics. Jana also holds a PhD in Religion and Theology from the University of Birmingham in England. Her research focused on religious conversion of atheists to Christianity.

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