Adoptive parents 9781422214909, 1422214907, 9781422215029, 1422215024

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Adoptive Parents

The Changing Face of Modern Families Adoptive Parents Blended Families Celebrity Families Families Living with Mental & Physical Challenges First-Generation Immigrant Families Foster Families Gay and Lesbian Parents Grandparents Raising Kids Growing Up in Religious Communities Kids Growing Up Without a Home Multiracial Families Single Parents Teen Parents What Is a Family?

Adoptive Parents Rae Simons

Mason Crest Publishers, Inc.

Copyright © 2010 by Mason Crest Publishers. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission from the publisher. MASON CREST PUBLISHERS INC. 370 Reed Road Broomall, Pennsylvania 19008 (866)MCP-BOOK (toll free) www.masoncrest.com First Printing 987654321

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Simons, Rae, 1957–  Adoptive families / Rae Simons.       p. cm. — (The changing face of modern families)  Includes bibliographical references and index.  ISBN 978-1-4222-1502-9 — ISBN 978-1-4222-1490-9 (series) 1.  Adoption—United States--Juvenile literature. 2.  Adoptive parents—United States--Juvenile literature.  I. Title.  HV875.55.S585 2010  362.734—dc22                                                            2009026372 Produced by Harding House Publishing Service, Inc. www.hardinghousepages.com Interior Design by MK Bassett-Harvey. Cover design by Asya Blue www.asyablue.com. Printed in The United States of America. Although the families whose stories are told in this book are made up of real people, in some cases their names have been changed to protect their privacy.

Photo Credits Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic: Donna and Andrew 47; Dreamstime: Dignity 40, Gladskikh, Tatyana 5, Markowski, Tomasz 27, Monkey Business 19, 24, Russell, Jennifer 28, Stitt, Jason 27; istockphoto.com: Maica 14; United States Census Bureau 11, 30, 39, 48

C

ontents

Introduction  6 1. Creating a Family  8 2. Adopting a Baby  23 3. Adopting an Older Child  35 4. International Adoption 46 Find Out More  59 Bibliography  61 Index  63 About the Author and the Consultant  64

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A d o p t i v e Pa r e n t s

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ntroduction

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he Gallup Poll has become synonymous with accurate statistics on what people really think, how they live, and what they do. Founded in 1935 by statistician Dr. George Gallup, the Gallup Organization continues to provide the world with unbiased research on who we really are. From recent Gallup Polls, we can learn a great deal about the modern family. For example, a June 2007 Gallup Poll reported that Americans, on average, believe the ideal number of children for a family to have these days is 2.5. This includes 56 percent of Americans who think it is best to have a small family of one, two, or no children, and 34 percent who think it is ideal to have a larger family of three or more children; nine percent have no opinion. Another recent Gallup Poll found that when Americans were asked, “Do you think homosexual couples should or should not have the legal right to adopt a child,” 49 percent of Americans said they should, and 48 percent said they shouldn’t; 43 percent supported the legalization of gay marriage, while 57 percent did not. Yet another poll found that 34 per-

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In t ro d uct io n cent of Americans feel a conflict between the demands of their professional life and their family life; 39 percent still believe that one parent should ideally stay home with the children while the other works. Keep in mind that Gallup Polls do not tell us what is right or wrong. They don’t report on what people should think—only on what they do think. And what is clear from Gallup Polls is that while the shape of families is changing in our modern world, the concept of family is still vital to our sense of who we are and how we interact with others. An indication of this is the 2008 Gallup poll that found that three out of four Americans reported that family values are important, while one in three said they are “extremely” important. And how do Americans define “family values”? According to the same poll, here’s what Americans say is their definition of a family: a strong unit where faith and morals, education and integrity play important roles within the structure of a committed relationship. The books in the series demonstrate that strong family units come in all shapes and sizes. Those differences, however, do not change the faith, integrity, and commitment of the families who tell their stories within these books.

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A d o p t i v e Pa r e n t s

1

Creating a Family

Terms to Understand sociologists: people who study human society, how it is organized and how it works. informal: casual, done without required forms or procedures. assumption: taking on or taking over something, such as responsibilities, rights, etc. terminated: ended. entirety: something that is complete or whole. private: not run by the government. anonymity: the state of being unknown, of having your name and identity kept secret. subsidies: money provided to a person or group by the government or another organization to help pay for something specific. social competency: the ability to deal with other people and form relationships. optimism: the belief that good things will happen and the best is possible.

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W

hat is a family? Is it a group of people who are connected by “blood”—a shared biological history that reaches back in time through a chain of birth mothers? Does a family consist of a married man and woman with their children? Is it all the people you are related to—aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, great aunts, second cousins once removed. . . ? Or is a family a group of people (and possibly pets too), both adults and children, men or women, who love each other and share a home?   Sociologists have difficulty in defining exactly what a family is—and most people have their own definitions. But clearly, whatever definition you use, family cannot be limited to those with whom we share a genetic connection. Ask any family who has adopted a child!

1 • Cre at in g a Family Historians tell us that since at least the eighteenth century B.C.E., human beings have been adopting children—forming a legal family unit that was not created by birth. In the United States, although the concept of adoption was not legally recognized until the 1850s, informal transfers of children to substitute parents had been going on Terms to Understand since colonial times. Today, several dif- volunteerism: when a person ferent kinds of adoption take place in regularly spends time helping others without pay. North America. infertility: the inability to get

A Legal Definition of Adoption

pregnant. anthropologists: people who study human cultures and behaviors. vulnerable: able to be hurt. navigate: steer, direct, find one’s way.

The official transfer through the court system of all of the parental rights that a biological parent has to a child, along with an assumption by the adopting parent of all of the parental rights of the biological parents that are being terminated and are assumed in their entirety by the adoptive parents, including the responsibility for the care and supervision of the child, its nurturing and training, its physical and emotional health, and its financial support.

Public Adoption

More than 2% of all children in the United States are adopted.

A public agency is the local branch of the state or county social service department that focuses on adoption of children within its custody. Children in the public child welfare system are there after being removed

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Adoptive pArents

The first written record of adoption is in the Code of Hammurabi, written by a Babylonian king more than thirty-eight centuries ago. Five centuries later, the adoption of Moses by the Egyptian pharaoh’s daughter was described in the Jewish Scriptures.

from their biological parents because of neglect, abuse, or abandonment. Most of these children have been in the system for months and often years. They are placed in permanent homes by public, government-operated agencies or by private agencies contracted by a public agency to place waiting children.

Private Adoptions In a private agency adoption, children are placed in non-relative homes in one of two ways—either through the services of a private agency or directly by the birthparents or with the help of a medical doctor, a member of the clergy, or an attorney. Birth parents are often involved in choosing the adoptive family, and with some

What Is an Open Adoption? Open adoption is an adoption that allows for an ongoing relationship between the child, the birth family, and the adoptive family. Fully open adoptions can include extended family members such as birth grandparents and siblings. Some people believe that an open adoption is healthier for everyone, but many experts say that while open adoptions may be good in some cases, in others they are not.

What do you think? 10

1 • Cre at in g a Family agencies, birth parents are allowed to design the adoption plan and make decisions about the placement. Sometimes birth parents plan the adoption with the adoptive parents they have selected. Although typically private agency adoptions include some communication between the families, most are still done through the agency that protects their anonymity, but both sides have the option of changing this if they want to have direct communication later.

Kinship and Stepparent Adoptions

According to the 2000 U.S. Census, 2,058,915 out of 83,714,107 children in the United States When a parent dies or is are adopted.

unable to carrying out the responsibilities of parenthood, sometimes other family members—grandparents or aunts and uncles—may step in and adopt the child. In

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Adoptive pArents

How Much Does An Adoption Cost? Public Agency Adoptions The fees and expenses range from zero to $2,500, including travel and attorney’s fees. Most states, under a federal match program, will reimburse non-recurring adoption expenses up to a set limit (which cannot exceed $2,000). Federal and state adoption subsidies may be available for the ongoing care of children with special physical, mental, or emotional needs. Private Agency Adoptions Licensed private agencies charge fees ranging from $4,000 to $30,000, which includes the costs for birth parent counseling, adoptive parent home study and preparation, child’s birth expenses, post-placement supervision until the adoption is finalized, and a portion of agency costs for overhead and operating expenses. Some agencies have sliding fee scales based on the family income. Private Independent Adoptions Adoptive families who pursue independent adoptions report spending $8,000 to $30,000 and more depending on several factors. Independent adoptions are allowed in most

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1 • Cre at in g a Family

states, but advertising for birth parents in newspapers and magazines is not allowed in all states. Costs for advertising for birth parents can be in the $5,000 range. Adoptive parents may find that they pay birth parent expenses for birth parents who then change their mind and that the money is not reimbursed. Some couples have had more than one arrangement with a birth parent fall through. Some states require that adoptive parents pay for separate legal representation for birth parents, in addition to their own legal representation. If the child has medical difficulties, birth expenses can be much higher. International Adoptions Fees for international adoptions range from $7,000 to $25,000, including agency fees, immigration processing fees, and court costs. However, there may be additional costs for the following items: • the child’s foster care (usually in South and Central American adoptions). • the adoptive parents’ travel and in-country stay to process the adoption abroad (length of stay or number of required trips varies). • escorting fees, charged when parents do not travel, but instead hire escorts to accompany the child on the flight to the parents’ country. • the child’s medical care and treatment (occasionally in South and Central America).

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A d o p t i v e Pa r e n t s Families are formed in many different ways. It does not matter whether children are biological or adopted, what matters is that they are cared for, happy and loved.

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other cases, a stepparent who is married to the birthparent may choose to adopt his or her spouse’s children.

International Adoptions In an international adoption, children who are citizens of a foreign nation are adopted by American families and brought to the United States. This kind of adoption has been practiced since the 1950s, but over the past fifteen years, it has become increasingly common.

1 • Cre at in g a Family

The Decision to Form an Adoptive Family Deciding to create an adoptive family is a difficult decision, both for the birth parents and for the adoptive parents. For the birth parents, it means letting go of the child, giving up their rights to raise that child; for the adoptive parents, it may mean letting go of their dreams for a birth child. But choosing to have a child—whether through birth or adoption—should always be a serious decision, one that is considered carefully. And research shows that parents who make a conscious choice to have children through adoption do at least as well or better at raising healthy children than birth parents do. Researchers have found that:

In 2000 and 2001, about 127,000 children were adopted each year in the United States. Since 1987, the number of adoptions annually has remained relatively constant, ranging from 118,000 to 127,000.

• Teens who were adopted at birth are more likely than children born into intact families to live with two parents in a middle-class family. • Adopted children score higher than their middle-class counterparts on indicators of school performance, social competency, optimism, and volunteerism. • Adopted adolescents generally are less depressed than children of single parents and less involved in alcohol abuse, vandalism, group fighting, police trouble, weapon use, and theft. • Adopted adolescents score higher than children of single parents on self-esteem, confidence in their own

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Adoptive pArents judgment, a positive view of others, and feelings of security within their families • On health measures, adopted children and children of intact families share similarly high scores. • Only 7 percent of children adopted in infancy repeated a grade, while 12 percent of children living with both biological parents repeated a grade. • The majority of adopted children have superior access to health care compared to all other groups.

What About the Birth Mothers? Researchers have found that single mothers who choose adoption do better than mothers who choose to be single parents: • They have higher educational aspirations, are more likely to finish school, and less likely to live in poverty and receive public assistance than mothers who keep their children. • They delay marriage longer, are more likely to marry eventually, and are less likely to divorce. • They are more likely to be employed 12 months after the birth and less likely to repeat out-of-wedlock pregnancy. • They are no more likely to suffer negative psychological consequences, such as depression, than are mothers who rear children as single parents.

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1 • Cre at in g a Family

Why Adopt? The reality is that many people are unable to have biological children for a variety of reasons. infertility has become increasingly common; in 2000, between 5 and 6 million American women were infertile, and experts predict that this number will have increased to nearly 8 million by 2025. Meanwhile, many children need homes. Their birth parents may have died; poverty or disease may make their biological parents unable to care for them; or their birth parents may lack the emotional or intellectual resources to be good parents. Adoption allows childless adults to connect with these parentless children. It creates a legal family unit where no blood ties exist. As the individuals who shared their stories in this book demonstrate, individuals with no common genetic history can truly form a family.

headlines (From “Insta-Attachment and Other Adoption Myths” by Dawn Greer Choate, September 12, 2007/ Rainbowkids, voicesofadoption. rainbowkids.com/ExpertArticleDetails.aspx?id=208&title=InstaAttachment%20and%20Other%20Adoption%20Myths)

I let out a long, deep sigh as I re-read the words in my inbox again and again. It’s not that it was the first time I had heard those very same words. It’s not that I judged the family who spoke them, knowing I would

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Adoptive pArents

Between 15 and 20% of all adoptions are public adoptions.

have written the same a few short years ago. But the pang I felt in the back of my heart and the lump in my throat was for the little girl they were describing. Despite the words of bliss, despite their descriptions of a perfect adjustment, my heart sank as I could envision her face before me. I knew what her eyes would look like if only I could see them. I knew what expression she would have on her face. I knew because I have seen it before. And now I know what it means. I had received the glowing report in my inbox from a friend of a relative who had just come home with their beautiful new daughter only 7 weeks prior. “She is bonding with everyone! Family, friends, neighbors, people at church! She is just adjusting so quickly and bonding to everyone she meets!” This particular report was really quite similar to many I hear early on. She was doing “so well,” “adjusting great,” and was “better than they could have ever expected.” It is the report our families, friends, co-workers, and even agencies hope and expect to hear from us. Everyone is waiting for the “he/she is all we ever dreamed of” and “it is as if he/she has always been with us.” These are the words everyone waiting to bring a child home reads on the blogs of families who have gone before and prays they will be able to write. Psychologists and anthropologists have noted for decades that our society is especially vulnerable to the

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1 • Cre at in g a Family temptations of insta-everything. We are used to it, after all. Everything is fast, easy, convenient. We hate waiting in lines, despise slow drivers, and adore our internet as long as it comes in high speed. We think we are immune to that constant drive for speed and convenience in the adoption world because we wait so long through endless paperwork to bring our children home. We herald the “lesson we have learned in patience” as we agonize through the trials of the

Infertility is a growing issue in the United States. Couples who cannot get pregnant may choose to adopt a child in order to have a family.

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Adoptive pArents

Between 35 and 40% of all adoptions are private adoptions.

paper pregnancy. But that is where so many draw the line. Once our child is home, that is the end of the waiting, right? They are going to be placed in our arms and our waiting is over! Hurray!! The end of our trials and tribulations and now our joy can begin! The problem is that for your child, they are not in the joyous epilogue of a long novel finally reaching the glorious conclusion as you think you are. They are still in the introduction of a brand new book, one that includes chapters they have never heard of called “Living with a Family,” “Welcome to a Mom and Dad that Look Nothing Like You!,” “A Few Strangers in Your Life Would Now Like to Kiss and Hold You Endlessly” and “So This is America??” In the midst of all of this is the greatest myth of all. Insta-attachment. Children do not bond in a week. People do not learn to trust in a day, a week, or even a month. A child who is living in a strange land with strange looking people who speak an even stranger language cannot possibly learn in a short period of time what it means to be loved by a family, what a mom and a dad even are there for, what it means to be a sister or brother, and that all of these strange people can be trusted to never leave them again, never harm them, and navigate them through the twists and turns of life. We want so much to believe in Insta-Attachment because, truthfully, it makes us feel better. The wait has

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1 • Cre at in g a Family already been so long for us, we sacrificed so much to get here, and the last thing we want to face is the possibility that our work is not done once we reach what we thought was the end of the road, the fulfillment of the goal. Sometimes we are willing to accept a few hours of grief, a few days of the child’s emotional walls, a few weeks of sleepless nights. But we certainly don’t want to face the chance that perhaps those few tears, a night terror or two, and the struggles with sibling relationships might last longer than a week or two. Or, even harder to face, is the possibility that even though our child seems to be doing well, their actions may be masking the true grief and trauma that so many adopted children hide deep in their hearts. . . .

About 40% of all adoptions are kinship or stepparent adoptions.

Attachment is not instant. Bonding takes time . . . a long time. . . . You build [attachment], one brick at a time. . . . Do not believe in Insta-Attachment. It is a fairytale that ultimately prevents you from really seeking out the deepest part of your child’s heart and searching for true healing instead of proper behaviors. It is worth the search. It may take much longer than you had hoped for. . . . But the long, slow simmer of true attachment in the end is stronger, more deeply satisfying, and more healing. Do not look for the easy path. Look for the road less traveled. Be willing to take another journey of patience even after the pa-

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Adoptive pArents

About 15% of all adoptions are international.

perwork is done and your child is home. Do not close the book. Begin a new one. It is worth the effort. It is worth the wait. Your child is waiting for someone who is willing to take the time and energy to write it for them. Insta-Attachment is one fairytale your child can do without.

What Do You Think? Why do you think it is hard for adopted children, even babies, to feel instant attachment to their adopted parents? Why do adoptive parents want to believe in “insta-attachment”? Do you think birth parents always feel an instant attachment to their babies—or do all loving relationships need time to grow?

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2 • Ado pt in g a Baby

2 J

Adopting a Baby

Terms to Understand

amie and Mitch Borgus had planned ovulating: producing eggs. When a on a large family. They waited for a woman ovulates, her body releases year after they were married, and then an egg from an ovary. they started trying to have a baby. After fertility expert: a doctor who specializes in helping women get three years with no luck, they went to a pregnant. doctor to find out what was wrong. home study: a detailed report “It turned out we both had problems,” on a family and the family home, Jamie says. “Mitch’s sperm count was involving interviews with family members and friends, and covering low, and I wasn’t ovulating normally.” things like beliefs and traditions, The Borguses worked with a fertility physical and mental health, expert, but after another two years, they finances, and the neighborhood. were discouraged. “I told Mitch it wasn’t deprivation: the absence or loss of worth it. And I didn’t care if we had a something that is needed. ambivalent: uncertain; having biological baby or adopted a baby. I just mixed feelings about something. wanted a baby.” primal: first in time or importance. So they went to a private adoption trite: something so overused and agency. “They interviewed us for what common that it loses its meaning. seemed like months,” Jamie says. “They polar: opposite. talked to our friends. They looked at our house. They did a thorough home study. Finally they put us on the list. And then we waited. After a while, it

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A d o p t i v e Pa r e n t s

Couples planning to use in vitro fertilization need to undergo fertility treatments to increase the chances of conceiving. IVF is expensive (averaging between $10,000 to $15,000 per attempt) and it is not 100% effective. Depending on the woman’s age, the live birth rate for IVF ranges from 6% to 35%.

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2 • Ado pt in g a Baby seemed as hopeless as me getting pregnant. There just weren’t enough babies to go around.” By this time Jamie and Mitch were thirty-six. They felt as though their time was running out. “I told Mitch we had to have a baby before we turned forty. So we gave up on the adoption agency. We advertised in the paper, and we eventually connected with a young woman who was pregnant. We paid her hospital bills. We got the house ready for a baby. It never seemed quite real to me, though, and somehow, I wasn’t even surprised when she backed out of our agreement after her little boy was born. Mitch was angry, but I truly wished her well.” But Jamie was unwilling to let go of her dream of being a mother. “I got so I hated to go to the mall, because it was full of woman pushing strollers. It didn’t seem fair that everyone could have babies except me. I was teaching high school then, and several of my students were pregnant. I’d look at their pregnant bellies and find myself resenting them for being pregnant when I couldn’t be. They were keeping their babies, and I wanted to plead with them to give them to me to raise instead.” A few more years went by, and now Jamie and Mitch were thirty-nine. “I know it was superstitious of me,” Jamie said, “but I really felt that this had to be the year we got a baby.” And one day, Jamie got a call that made her dream come true.

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A d o p t i v e Pa r e n t s A friend of hers was a nurse who worked in delivery at a local hospital. She called Jamie one afternoon and told her they had a baby who had had a difficult delivery. “They thought she was dead when she came out,” Jamie said. “She didn’t breathe at first. My friend said she was a terrible blue-gray color—and then a miracle happened and she started breathing.”   The baby’s mother was a fifteen-year-old girl who planned to give her baby for adoption to a couple who had paid her medical expenses, just as Jamie and Mitch had for another young woman. This couple, however, decided they could not face the risk of adopting a child who might possibly be brain damaged. They backed out of the adoption, and the baby would end up going to foster care if new adoptive parents couldn’t be found.   “As soon as my friend told me the story,” Jamie says, “I knew this was our daughter. It was just this certainty I felt. We brought Allyson home when she was nine days old—and just like that, without any warning, we were parents. Our life went from calm and empty to exhausting and overwhelming. I had to take maternity leave immediately, without any chance to get my class ready for me being gone. She cried all night and most of the day. But I never once regretted adopting her. She was simply my daughter, as much as if I’d given birth to her.” Today, Allyson is clearly close to both her mother and father. At sixteen, she is a happy, pretty young woman who knows where she’s going. “I want to teach kinder-

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2 • Ado pt in g a Baby garten,” she says. “And then eventually I want to run my own preschool.” “Allyson has always loved little kids,” Jamie says. “She’s great with them.” When Allyson was seven, she was diagnosed as having learning disabilities, probably caused by the oxygen deprivation she experienced at birth. “She’s struggled in school,” Jamie says, “but the special education program has been wonderful for her. With support from the resource room teacher, she’s been able to pass all her classes with A’s and B’s.” Jamie can’t imagine life without Allyson. “She’s the daughter I was meant to have. I don’t doubt that. I look at her and try to imag-

Not every family is ready to take on the challenge of adopting a special needs child. Happily, some families are—according to research done by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, from 2005–2006 there were an estimated 470,000 adopted children with special health care needs.

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A d o p t i v e Pa r e n t s

Successfully adopting a baby can be a dream come true. Some women will bond instantly with their adopted baby, while others may go through a more difficult adjustment period.

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ine who she would have been if she’d been raised by someone else. It makes me want to cry. Not because I don’t think she would have been beautiful whoever her mother was—but because I can’t imagine who I would if I wasn’t Allyson’s mother. Like I said, I really believe that Allyson was meant to be our daughter, that the three of us were meant to be a family.”

2 • Ado pt in g a Baby

What Do You Think? Despite the ups and downs, Jamie’s interview sounds like a happily-ever-after story. Do you think there were moments when Jamie was less sure of herself and her decision to adopt Allyson? If so, why do you think she would choose to leave out those moments from her story? Is it normal, do you think, for ALL parents to doubt themselves sometimes?

headlines (From “Pressing Close and Pushing Away: The Dance of Ambivalence in Adoption Relationships” by Dee Paddock, adoption.com, library. adoption.com/articles/pressing-close-and-pushing-away-.html)

I sat with a therapy client while she cried this morning. She is the adoptive mother of a two-year-old daughter and is working with me on her ambivalent feelings about adopting a second child. “I’m forty-four years old, that must be too old to be a mother, who in their right mind would start again at forty-four, what would people say? And what about the money? How will we afford it? And my work? I love my work. I know I’ll have to cut back with a new baby, but I do love my work. I’m pretty selfish. I have to have time to myself, time with my husband, what about

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Adoptive pArents that?” On and on she went, spinning the rational and logical reasons for her ambivalence. I listened quietly without interrupting. . . .

This map of the United States shows the percentage of children who are adopted.

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Reaching over the arm of the sofa for the Kleenex, she blurted out that something terrible had happened on vacation, something that made her feel so angry and resentful and trapped as a mother that it had shocked her. Something that had to do with her beloved adopted daughter about whom she was never ambivalent. Her little girl had refused to go to Grandma, my client’s mother. Had actually pushed and hit at her to

2 • Ado pt in g a Baby keep her away! “I was so angry at my daughter, Dee. I didn’t even want to be around her. I let my husband do all the parenting for the rest of the day. I told her that I was profoundly hurt by her behavior.” Profoundly hurt by the behavior of a young toddler? I wondered to myself. “What feelings came up for you when your daughter pushed your mother away?” I asked my client as she carefully folded a soggy Kleenex into fourths on her lap. “Panic and rage. That I’m next. That someday she’ll push me away like that too, so fierce and determined! Sometimes when we’re with other people she just seems to want anyone but me. On our vacation, she loved being with her aunts so much, so much more than with me, and I felt so alone and rejected.” I asked how her daughter had acted toward her when they got home from vacation. “Oh, at home I’m always the one she wants.” It’s normal for all children to push their parents away from time to time as they entertain possibilities of independence and more exciting lives somewhere else, but adoptive parents sometimes feel more threatened by this behavior. . . . I must have smiled as I recalled my own adoption demons because my client looked at me, puzzled and anxious. “I just don’t think I can take that kind of rejection from a child again,” she breathed. “You can and you will,” I assured her. It’s one of those adoption commitments we make that

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Adoptive pArents nobody really wants to talk about. We have to be willing to mirror our adopted children’s primal experience of feeling unwanted and alone. We need to know from personal experience that we can survive being pushed away for a while, and so can our children. We need to move together through the steps of being rejected and then accepted. As children, we are all pushed from our birthmother’s womb into a new and lonelier world. . . . “Even if you don’t adopt a second child, if you adopt ten children, you will feel the sting of rejecting behavior from your children from time to time,” I told my client. In adoptive families, the normal dance of rejection and adoration that all parents experience with their children has several tricky steps. For adopted children, there are other parents out there, somewhere. The risk for them of loving another mommy too much is overwhelming sometimes. At a young age, our children are aware at a very deep place that big love is connected to big loss. They listen to our reassurances that their birthmother loved them so very much that she made an adoption plan for them; that she loved them so much that she picked someone else to parent them; that she loved them so much that she went away forever! We follow those loaded words with our truth as adoptive parents: that we, too, love them so much it hurts, that we wanted them so very much

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2 • Ado pt in g a Baby and that we waited so very long for them to join our family. Terrified that out of all this overwhelming love for them, we will leave them too, they push us away from time to time, refusing to come close. . . . My oldest son said to me on his tenth birthday, “Mom, I don’t know if I love you or my birthmother more.” I was driving him to his soccer game and I gripped the steering wheel and stared straight ahead, trying not to show my surprise. I quickly shifted from mother to therapist, something he really hates, and said, “Well honey, maybe you don’t need to know that. Maybe you can love us both!” My wise ten-year-old son frowned at this trite response. He was quiet for a while and then he said, “I’ll know who I love more when I’ve been with you longer than I was with my birthmother.” I wanted to cry. My sweet adopted son had been keeping a calendar in his head, counting each day until he could love me without betraying his birthmother. His ambivalence about me helped him hold onto his love and loyalty for her. We don’t have to act out either of the polar responses to ambivalence and rejection in adoption. Our job as healthy adoptive parents is to simply stand still. I can stand in the gap of my child’s ambivalence, resisting the first impulse to either rescue or abandon. I can

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Adoptive pArents stand in the gap of my own ambivalence, needing neither rescue nor abandonment of my own normal feelings. In the natural rhythm of adoption attachments, I will be the shoreline, welcoming my child when his attachment flows to me, and staying fixed but in sight when the attachment ebbs as he tests himself and me. High tide and low tide, the ebbing and flowing of connections, is the adoptive family’s journey.

What Do You Think? Why do you think both adopted children and adoptive parents tend to feel insecure with each other from time to time? Although Jamie did not describe these feelings in her interview, do you think it’s likely that she and Allyson have also experienced something similar from time to time in their relationship? Why or why not?

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3 • Ado pt in g an Olde r Child

3

Adopting an Older Child

R

obin hadn’t planned on ever being a mother. “My parents were the sort of people who should never have been parents. My father abused my sister and me, and my mother just looked the other way and pretended not to see. I made up my mind I was never going to have children. I knew I had scars from all I’d gone through, I knew I was damaged—and I didn’t want to risk that I would ever hurt a child the way I’d been hurt.” Robin’s husband Andy accepted Robin’s decision. They were both teachers who worked with special education children, and for years, Robin assumed that their students would be the only children they would ever need in their lives. “I’d been in therapy for years, working through everything that had happened to me when I was a child. One day, I had this

Terms to Understand Social Services: the government agency responsible for helping children and families escape or avoid abuse and neglect. social workers: people whose job is to help those struggling with poverty, serious illness, abuse, or other difficulties, helping them file paperwork and make use of government programs. turbulent: disturbed, agitated, stormy. rituals: patterns of behavior followed at certain times and in certain situations. context: the circumstances and facts about a situation, event, or word that affect its meaning. cliques: small groups of friends that do not like to allow others into their circle.

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A d o p t i v e Pa r e n t s break-through moment when I realized I really didn’t need to go to therapy anymore. I still had the memories and the scars—but I was coping with them. I trusted myself in a way I never had when I was younger.” A few months after this realization, Robin was watching Andy play with the children of some of their friends. “He’s so good with children, and it hit me Terms to Understand that I was cheating him out of the chance nature versus nurture: the ongoing of being a father. By this time, it would argument about how much of a have been easy to just go on the way we person’s character and physical were. We were comfortable, set in our traits come from genetics through ways, getting older, happy with our life their parents (nature) and how much together. The thought of changing everycome through their environment and other outside influences thing terrified me—but it also excited me. (nurture). So that night, I asked Andy, ‘What would relinquishment: the act of giving you think about adopting a child?’ The something up. look on his face was so hopeful—that was cognitively: knowing something through perception, memory, or all the answer I needed.” reasoning.   Because Robin and Andy were in their autonomy: independence, freedom; late forties, they decided they would adopt the right to make one’s own an older child. “We didn’t want to be in decisions and choices. our sixties by the time our child was graduating from high school. And besides, with our careers—and with my own background—we knew how badly older children need homes.” Robin and Andy began working with Social Services to find the right child for them. “Pretty early in the process, we were both fairly certain that TerriLynn was

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3 • Ado pt in g an Olde r Child right for us. But the social workers encouraged us to take our time. They’d worked with parents who adopted children only to find that they couldn’t actually deal with the problems those children had—and so the children ended up rejected and abandoned by yet another set of parents. There was no way Andy and I would ever do that, but we wanted to be absolutely sure we were doing the right thing for us all. So we spent nearly a year visiting her, taking her for outings, finally bringing her home for visits. Then she came to live with us—and eventually it was legal. She was our daughter. We had a big party to celebrate.”

This chart shows the median age of children entering, in and exiting foster care. According to the Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting System (AFCARS), about 17% of the over 500,000 children in foster care are adopted.

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Adoptive pArents

There are 510,000 children in the U.S. foster care system; 129,000 of these children are available for adoption.

TerriLynn was eleven years old when Robin and Andy adopted her. “I can’t say that it was an easy, happily-ever-after ending,” Robin says. “But we’d never expected that it would be easy. We knew TerriLynn had been in thirteen foster homes in the past seven years. We knew she’d been abused by her birth parents. And we’d worked with enough kids from unstable home to know how that affects children. So we became parents with our eyes wide open. There was no way we would ever turn our backs on her no matter how hard it got.”

Who Are the Children in Foster Care? Many children are in foster care because they were removed from their families due to abuse, neglect or abandonment. The children might live temporarily with extended family, a foster family or in a group home while social workers try to help the birth family. If the birth family’s problems cannot be resolved, the agency that has custody of the child goes to court to legally terminate parental rights. At this point, social workers try to find a safe and loving adoptive family for the child. Ages range from infant to teenager, although the average age is nine. Virtually every race, ethnic group, and socio-economic category is represented. Some children are waiting alone and others are waiting with siblings.

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3 • Ado pt in g an Olde r Child People do not only adopt babies. As this chart demonstrates, adoption is fairly evenly distributed across all age groups.

TerriLynn had temper tantrums; she stole money from Robin’s purse; she broke Andy’s guitar on purpose. “It was like she was trying to see how much it would take before we’d throw up our hands and give up on her,” Robin says. “So we’d make sure she knew there’d be consequences each time she acted out. We made it clear we expected her to behave appropriately—

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A d o p t i v e Pa r e n t s

Adopted teenagers may harbor feelings of loss and abandonment. These emotions can add to the stress of adolescence and increase rebellious behavior.

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that she knew where the boundary lines were and what would happen if she crossed them. And we also made it clear that she was our daughter, no matter what. There wasn’t anything she could do, no matter how bad, that would make us turn our backs on her.” Today, TerriLynn is in college, studying art. She still lives at home with her parents while she attends classes. “We talked about whether she needed to go away to college,” Robin says. “I know most kids are ready to be away from their parents by the time they’re eighteen. But we’d only had her seven years,

3 • Ado pt in g an Olde r Child and I wasn’t ready to have her leave—and I was relieved when she wasn’t ready to go. I know from experience that it takes time to heal after you’ve been hurt the way TerriLynn and I were. Some people just aren’t able to grow up at the same rate other people do. Maybe it’s easier for the people who grew up secure and safe and healthy. But I know what it’s like to need a little longer to reach the same milestones that other people reach when they’re younger. Look how long it took me to be ready to be a mother! I’m still not sure I would have made a good mother to a baby. And I’m not sure I’ll ever understand exactly how people feel who have raised their children from the time they were babies. But I’ll never regret being TerriLynn’s mother. When she calls me ‘Mom,’ it may not mean exactly the same thing it does when other kids call their mothers that—but I believe I’m the mom TerriLynn needed, and she’s the daughter I knew how to mother.”

More children become available for adoption each year than are adopted. In 2006, 79,000 children had parental rights terminated by the courts, yet only 51,000 were adopted.

What Do You Think? Do you think Robin made the right decision not to have children when she was younger? Why or why not? What made Robin and Andy the right parents for TerriLynn? Do you think another couple would have been able to parent TerriLynn as well as Robin and Andy did? 41

Adoptive pArents

A child in foster care can wait up to five years to be adopted.

headlines (From “What Are Some of the Adoption Issues Teenagers Face?” by Leslie Zindulka, September 16, 2007, Rainbowkids, voicesofadoption. rainbowkids.com/ExpertArticleDetails.aspx?id=250&title=What%20 are%20some%20of%20the%20adoption%20issues%20teenagers%20 face)

While it is difficult to make a general statement about such a diverse group as adopted teenagers, it can be said that adopted persons generally lead normal healthy lives that are no different from the lives of non-adopted persons. They may, however, have experiences that are unique to being adopted, and these issues may have an impact on their lives at varying times. The teen years can be stressful for anyone, but they may be particularly stressful for an adopted teen because of the issues that must be faced during this period of development. The two most common are loss and unresolved grief and identity and self-esteem. Dealing with the loss of the birth family, coupled with a search for self, are two processes that can contribute to shaping the psychological development of adopted persons. The “loss” of the birth parents as a result of adoption sets the stage for the feelings of loss and abandonment that many adopted persons may experience at some point in their lives. Adolescence is a turbulent period for many children, whether they came to their families through adoption or not. Many conflicts can arise

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3 • Ado pt in g an Olde r Child during this time of physical and emotional change. Feeling the losses that are associated with divorce or death are considered normal and those people find comfort and support for their grief through socially accepted rituals. With adoption, the person experiences a loss of an unknown person, with no social context in which the loss is recognized. . . . Even adolescents who were adopted as newborns at times experience a sense of loss, as well as, feelings of rejection and abandonment by the birth parents. Adopted teens may wonder why they were placed for adoption or what was “wrong” with them that caused their birth parents to give them up. Grief is a common reaction to loss. The adopted teen may have a difficult time finding an outlet for this grief, since grieving for birth parents is not a socially acceptable reaction, especially if the adoptive family placement has been a generally happy one, the adopted teen may even feel guilty for grieving.

The average age of the child waiting to be adopted from foster care is eight years old.

Questions about identity often occur first during adolescence. Not only do they have cliques to figure out, but there are messages, music from the popular culture and media that bombard them too. With all of this, there are hormones raging and causing all kinds of bodily and emotional changes. Although adopted adolescents do have the same trouble searching for a comfortable identity as non-adoptees, problems in-

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Adoptive pArents

The average number of months a child waiting to be adopted has been in foster care is 39 months.

volving sexual activities and pregnancy, delinquency and substance abuse, and depression are the most common ones adoptive teenagers face. Therefore, the task of identity development during this time is often more difficult for the adopted teenager. The question of the influence of nature versus nurture may become very real to the adopted adolescent, who is trying to determine the impact of all of these influences on his or her own identity. This stage of development includes questions about the biological family, why they were placed for adoption, whether the adolescent resembles the birth parents in looks or in other characteristics. Accompanying these issues of identity are issues of self-esteem. At this age, the teen understands the concept of relinquishment, and may feel rejected or view themselves as damaged goods, even though they cognitively know how a girl gets pregnant, and can understand why someone might not be able to care for a baby after it is born. . . . Adolescents often express their reactions to loss by rebelling against parental standards. Knowing that they have a different biological origin may contribute to their need to define themselves as individuals. As adolescents move toward greater autonomy, a parent’s most difficult task is creating the delicate balance of loving and letting go. . . . It is more than appropriate for teenagers to look to their peer group for solutions

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3 • Ado pt in g an Olde r Child as they work through this major development task of learning to separate and live independently. Remember, most adopted teenagers survive and grow up to be happy, mature adults!

Each year, 20% of children exit foster care at age 18 without an adoptive family.

What Do You Think? Explain in your own words how being adopted might add to an adolescent’s emotional turmoil.

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A d o p t i v e Pa r e n t s

4

International Adoption

W

hen Liza was sixteen, a doctor told her that due to a hormonal conTerms to Understand dition, she was unlikely to ever become red tape: forms and procedures needed to get approval or pregnant. She knew she wanted children, permission for something, often though, and when she married Derek Jalong and complicated. cobs, adoption was a part of their plan for postpartum depression: clinical their life together as a family. After they’d depression affecting women after been married three years, they decided to childbirth. probationary: the time during a trial adopt a little girl from Guatemala. period. At first the adoption seemed to be melancholy: gloominess, going forward without a hitch. Liza spent depression. hours staring at the pictures of the darkantidepressants: medications used to treat depression. eyed baby who would be her daughter. She and Derek longed for the day when Elena would finally be able to sleep in the crib they had ready for her. Within Guatemala, all the legal regulations had been satisfied—according to Guatemalan law, Elena was already their daughter—but the U.S. State Department

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4 • In te r n at io n al Ad o pt io n was demanding still more red tape before the little girl could enter the country. It turned out that Elena’s birth mother had never signed a document surrendering her rights to the baby, and now the mother had gone back into the mountains where she lived. The orphanage where Elena was living had no way to contact the birth mother. They didn’t even know where she lived. “And meanwhile,” says Liza, “our little girl was getting older and older. We had planned on her being with us by the time she was six months old. But the months

This couple is in the process of adopting a little girl from China. From 2004 to 2007, China topped the list for international adoptions; in 2008, Guatemala moved ahead of China.

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A d o p t i v e Pa r e n t s This chart shows percentages of foreign-born adopted children by age and place of birth. The vast majority of children are adopted from Asia and Latin America.

went by; we celebrated her first birthday without her, taking lots of pictures to show her when she was older so she would know that we had loved her and considered her our daughter even before she lived with us. I would lie awake worrying about her. What if she got sick? Would she be emotionally damaged by living in the orphanage for so much longer than we had planned? Would she be able to bond with Derek and me when

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4 • In te r n at io n al Ad o pt io n she was older? She would be old enough to miss her caregivers at the orphanage. Would their loss leave a permanent scar on her heart? And what if we never got her? Would I be able to let go of this little girl I already loved so much?” Finally, though, when Elena was twenty months old, her birth mother came back to the orphanage—with an-

The History of International Adoptions in the United States. American citizens started adopting children from other countries in substantial numbers after World War II (19391945), when many of the children adopted were European and Japanese war orphans. Additional adoptions followed after the civil war in Greece (1946-49), the Korean War (1950-53), and the war in Vietnam (1954-1975). Today war and its aftermath are not the only factors leading countries to allow their children to be adopted abroad. Desperate poverty and social upheaval have been critical factors in the adoption of children from Latin America, the former Soviet Union, and Eastern Europe over the last twenty years. In China, government population control policies contributed to abandonment of infant girls and overcrowded orphanages, factors in the government’s decision to facilitate international adoptions.

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A d o p t i v e Pa r e n t s

The Hague Intercountry Adoption Convention defines protocol that must be observed for adoptions occurring between signing countries. This map shows member countries as of November 2008.

other baby daughter she could not care for and wished to leave for adoption. “Suddenly,” Liza says, “we were being asked if we could adopt two babies. I was overwhelmed—full of both joy and terror all at the same time. But Derek and I knew we wanted to have more than one child—and how could we say no to Elena’s sister? So within a week from the time the phone rang with the news that Elena’s mother had showed up with a second baby, we were on

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4 • In te r n at io n al Ad o pt io n a plane to Guatemala—and we came home with two daughters.” Meanwhile, Liza and Derek had another surprise in store for them. “During the first few months the girls were with us,” Liza says, “I was always exhausted. No wonder, I thought, caring for a scared little toddler and a fussy newborn. My periods had always been irregular, and I never gave it a thought. So I was nearly four months pregnant before the reality suddenly hit home— we were going to have another baby.” Today, Liza and Derek have three teenage girls. Elena is fifteen, her younger sister Rosa is fourteen, and their youngest sister Anna is thirteen. Elena struggles with her emotions the most, Liza reports. “She’s always been the most easily upset. It’s easy to blame that on her early history—but Derek always reminds me that she could just be that way, that might just be her nature.” All in all, the Jacobs family has done well. “The girls fight sometimes,” Liza reports, “but what sisters don’t? They’re very close to each other. Those first years were crazy, with so many little girls always under foot, but I’m glad they came in the order they did. If we hadn’t had to wait for Elena, we would probably never have had Rosa. And by the time Anna was born, Derek and I were thoroughly bonded with Elena and Rosa. I never worried that we would love our birth child more than the other girls. They were all just ours.”

According to the U.S. Department of State, international adoptions increased from 5 percent to 15 percent of adoptions in the United States between 1992 and 2001 (U.S. Department of State).

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Adoptive pArents

What Do You Think? Between 1971 and 2001, U.S. citizens adopted 265,677 children from other countries.

How would you have felt if you were Liza when she discovered that she was going to be the mother of three babies? Do you think Elena is more emotional because of spending most of the first two years of her life in an orphanage? Do you think Elena and Rosa will wonder about their birth mother and the country of their birth as they grow older? What do you think is most important in who you are as you grow up—“nurture” or “nature”?

headlines (From “Post-Adoption Blues” by Adriana Barton, Vancouver Globe and Mail, June 13, 2009.)

The minute she laid eyes on her adopted son, a seven-month-old Guatemalan boy, Michelle Brau knew something was wrong, she says. Instead of joy, she felt dread. Instead of wanting to comfort the infant, she found herself not wanting him at all. The negative emotions blindsided her, Ms. Brau says. She and her husband, Jim, had yearned to adopt and add to their family of four biological kids.

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4 • In te r n at io n al Ad o pt io n “I love children,” says Ms. Brau, who lives in Springville, Utah. But she couldn’t bring herself to love her healthy new son, nor a second boy, aged 2, whom the couple adopted from Guatemala months later. Ms. Brau says she assumed her affection for them would grow with time. For more than five years, however, she avoided their hugs and was more strict with them than with her other children, she recalls. Consumed by guilt and shame, she told no one about her inability to bond with the adopted boys. “I felt like a monster,” she says. “I longed to be dead.” When she finally confided in her husband six months ago, he did some research online and concluded she had post-adoption depression, a condition being studied by researchers but not yet recognized as a psychiatric disorder.

CoMMon inTernaTional adoPTion CounTries China Russia Guatemala South Korea Ukraine Kazakhstan India Columbia

According to adoption professionals, post-adoption depression can range in severity from a few weeks of the blues to a major depression that lasts months or longer. Like postpartum depression, it may bring intense feelings of anxiety and guilt, fantasies of running away, and suicidal thoughts.

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Adoptive pArents Ms. Brau consulted two therapists, she says, but her feelings of desperation did not change. So this spring—nearly six years after they adopted the Guatemalan children—the Braus contacted an agency to find them a new adoptive home. “These boys deserve so much more than I can give them,” Ms. Brau says, adding that her depression has lifted since the adoption was dissolved last month. “I feel like me again.” The Braus’ case may be extreme but the potential consequences of post-adoption depression are recognized by a growing number of adoption professionals. . . . A study published last month in the peerreviewed Journal of Affective Disorders found the rate of depression in women after adoption was about 15 percent—the same rate found in women who have given birth. . . . The syndrome appears to be more common in women than in men, . . . since women tend to be the primary caregivers. Stress, sleep deprivation, lack of social support and a history of depression can put women at greater risk for post-adoption depression, according to experts in the field. Also, many adoptive mothers have no parenting experience, notes Sandra Scarth, president of the Adop-

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4 • In te r n at io n al Ad o pt io n tion Council of Canada. For a career woman who has enjoyed years of freedom, the demands of parenting can be a shock, especially if the child isn’t attaching to her well. “Suddenly she’s home all day with a child who really doesn’t like her very much,” Ms. Scarth explains. When depression strikes, adoptive mothers are often secretive about it. They feel pressure from family and Post adoption depression affects about 15% of adoptive mothers. Mothers (or fathers) who are suffering depression should not feel guilty, but should seek professional help in order to work through the issues.

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Adoptive pArents friends to rejoice in the child they brought home after years of waiting, often at huge expense. Most are reluctant to seek help from social workers, fearing the child may be taken away—an unlikely event, according to Dr. McCreight. Nevertheless, an estimated 11 to 18 percent of adoptions break down for various reasons during the probationary period (usually at least six months), according to American researchers, and about 2 percent of adoptive families cannot cope after the adoption is finalized. In both cases, the child returns to child-welfare authorities and may be readopted. . . . The expectation of “falling in love” with a child at first sight may be unrealistic, according to Dr. Foli, since most relationships take time to blossom and mature. . . . For Dina Rodrigues, post-adoption guilt cut deep. She sank into melancholy and began to feel “really run down” a month after she brought her 11-month-old daughter, Sierra, home from China, she says. Ms. Rodrigues had no problem caring for her daughter’s physical needs, she recalls, but she worried she wasn’t connecting with her emotionally.

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4 • In te r n at io n al Ad o pt io n “It’s like you have this amazing, wonderful child and you can’t really enjoy them,” says Ms. Rodrigues, who lives in a suburb of Detroit. Her anxiety intensified when her husband, Ashok, bonded with Sierra easily. “I just felt there was something wrong with me,” she says. Having suffered from depression earlier in life, Ms. Rodrigues says, she recognized the signs. Five months after the adoption, she saw a therapist and started taking antidepressants “for my daughter’s sake.” When a parent gets depressed, it doesn’t mean the adoption has failed, says Dr. McCreight. “It just means that you should get help, get it fixed and move on as a family.” . . . After Ms. Rodrigues began treatment, her daughter fell ill with a stomach virus and wanted to be held by her day and night. The event marked a turning point in their relationship, Ms. Rodrigues says. “I was able to be emotionally there for her, and I think she saw that.” That was two years ago, she adds, and they’ve had a close connection ever since.

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A d o p t i v e Pa r e n t s

What Do You Think? Do you think Ms. Brau did the right thing by giving up her adopted sons when she was unable to feel close to them? Why or why not? Why do you think adoptive parents sometimes have difficulty bonding with their children? Do you think these parents should feel guilty? Why or why not?

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Fin d Out M o re

F

ind Out More Books

Beauvais-Godwin, Laura and Raymond Godwin. The Complete Adoption Book: Everything You Need to Know to Adopt a Child. Avon, Mass.: Adams Media, 2005. Biscontini, Tracey. Adoption. Farmington Hills, Mich.: Greenhaven Press, 2009. Davenport, Dawn. The Complete Book of International Adoption: A Step by Step Guide to Finding Your Child. New York: Broadway Books, 2006. Falker, Elizabeth Swire. The Ultimate Insider’s Guide to Adoption: Everything You Need to Know About Domestic and International Adoption. “New York: Warner Wellness, 2006.” Foli, Karen J. and John R. Thompson. The Post-Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforeseen Challenges of Adoption. New York: Rodale Press, 2004. Merino, Noel. Adoption. Farmington Hills, Mich.: Greenhaven Press, 2008. Pavao, Joyce Maguire. The Family of Adoption. Revised and updated. Boston: Beacon Press, 2005. Simon, Rita J. and Rhonda M. Roorda. In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories. New York: Columbia University Press, 2000.

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A d o p t i v e Pa r e n t s Slade, Suzanne Buckingham. Adopted: The Ultimate Teen Guide. Lanham, Md.: Scarecrow Press, 2007. Weiss, Ann E. Adoptions Today. Brookfield, Conn.: Twenty-First Century Books, 2001.

On the Internet Adopt Us Kids: Children in Foster Care Awaiting Adoption www.adoptuskids.org Adopting www.adopting.org Adoption.com www.adoption.com

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The Adoption Exchange www.adoptex.org National Adoption Center www.adopt.org Rainbow Kids: The Voice of Adoption www.rainbowkids.com

Bib lio grap hy

B

ibliography

Barton, Adriana. “Post-Adoption Blues.” Vancouver Globe and Mail, June 13, 2009. Choate, Dawn Greer. “Insta-Attachment and Other Adoption Myths.” Rainbowkids, voicesofadoption.rainbowkids.com/ September 12, 2007. ExpertArticleDetails.aspx?id=208&title=InstaAttachment%20and%20Other%20Adoption%20Myths. Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, www.davethomasfoundation.org. Hareven, T. Families, History and Social Change. Boulder, Colo: Westview Press, 2000. Paddock, Dee. “Pressing Close and Pushing Away: The Dance of Ambivalence in Adoption Relationships.” Adoption.com, library. adoption.com/articles/pressing-close-and-pushing-away-.html. McLaughlin SD, Manninen DL, Winges LD, “Do Adolescents Who Relinquish Their Children Fare Better or Worse Than Those Who Raise Them?” Family Planning Perspectives, 20:1 (Jan. - Feb., 1988), pp. 25-32 U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. How Many Children Were Adopted in 2000 and 2001? Washington, D.C.: Child Welfare Information Gateway, 2004.

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A d o p t i v e Pa r e n t s Zindulka, Leslie. “What Are Some of the Adoption Issues Teenagers Face?” Rainbowkids, September 16, 2007. voicesofadoption.rainbowkids.com/ExpertArticleDetails.aspx?id=250&title=What%20 are%20some%20of%20the%20adoption%20issues%20 teenagers%20face.

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In d ex

I

ndex

adoption foreign 14 private 10, 20, 23 public 9, 18 state 12 attorney 10, 12 aunt 8, 14, 31 baby 10, 23, 25, 26, 29, 41, 44, 47, 49–51

gay 6 Gallup 6, 7 government 8, 10, 35, 49 healthy 9, 10, 15, 16, 23, 33, 41, 42, 53

school 15, 16, 25, 27, 36 social workers 36–38, 56 uncle 8, 14

independent 12, 31, 36, 45 infertility 9, 17 kinship 11, 21

church 18 court 9, 13, 31, 42 cousin 8 cost 12, 13

legal 9, 13, 17, 38, 46 marriage 6, 14, 16 middle-class 15

doctor 10, 23, 46 education 7, 17, 27, 35 emotion 9, 12, 13, 17, 45, 48, 51, 52, 56, 57 federal 12 fertility 23 foster care 13, 26, 38, 42–45

parents adoptive 9, 11, 13, 15, 22, 26, 31–34, 58 biological 9, 10, 16, 17 birth 10–13, 15, 17, 22, 36, 42–44 step 11, 14, 21 poverty 16, 17, 35, 42 pregnant 9, 23, 44, 46, 53

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A d o p t i v e Pa r e n t s

A

bout the Author and the Consultant

Author

Rae Simons came from a family of five children, and she now has three children of her own. Her role in her “nuclear” family as well as in her extended family continues to shape her life in many ways. As a middle school teacher, she worked closely with a wide range of family configurations. She has written many educational books for young adults.

Consultant

Gallup has studied human nature and behavior for more than seventy years. Gallup’s reputation for delivering relevant, timely, and visionary research on what people around the world think and feel is the cornerstone of the organization. Gallup employs many of the world’s leading scientists in management, economics, psychology, and sociology, and its consultants assist leaders in identifying and monitoring behavioral economic indicators worldwide. Gallup consultants help organizations boost organic growth by increasing customer engagement and maximizing employee productivity through measurement tools, coursework, and strategic advisory services. Gallup’s 2,000 professionals deliver services at client organizations, through the Web, at Gallup University’s campuses, and in forty offices around the world.

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