Absolute Beginner's Guide to Online Dating [1 ed.] 0789732858, 9780789732859, 9780768663938
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Absolute Beginner’s Guide to
Online Dating Greg Holden
800 East 96th Street, Indianapolis, Indiana 46240
Absolute Beginner’s Guide to Online Dating
Executive Editor
Copyright © 2005 by Que Publishing
Candace Hall
All rights reserved. No part of this book shall be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher. No patent liability is assumed with respect to the use of the information contained herein. Although every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this book, the publisher and author assume no responsibility for errors or omissions. Nor is any liability assumed for damages resulting from the use of the information contained herein.
Acquisitions Editor
International Standard Book Number: 0-7897-3285-8
Project Editor
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 2004112257
Seth Kerney
Printed in the United States of America
Copy Editor
06
05
04
3
Development Editor Karen Whitehouse
Managing Editor Charlotte Clapp
Karen Whitehouse
First Printing: November 2004 07
Karen Whitehouse
2
1
Trademarks All terms mentioned in this book that are known to be trademarks or service marks have been appropriately capitalized. Que Publishing cannot attest to the accuracy of this information. Use of a term in this book should not be regarded as affecting the validity of any trademark or service mark.
Indexer Erika Millen
Proofreader Mike Henry
Publishing Coordinator Cindy Teeters
Warning and Disclaimer
Interior Designer
Every effort has been made to make this book as complete and as accurate as possible, but no warranty or fitness is implied. The information provided is on an “as is” basis. The author and the publisher shall have neither liability nor responsibility to any person or entity with respect to any loss or damages arising from the information contained in this.
Anne Jones
Bulk Sales Que Publishing offers excellent discounts on this book when ordered in quantity for bulk purchases or special sales. For more information, please contact U.S. Corporate and Government Sales 1-800-382-3419 [email protected] For sales outside of the U.S., please contact International Sales 1-317-428-3341 [email protected]
Cover Designer Dan Armstrong
Contents at a Glance Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1 Part I
Getting Started with Online Dating . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .7
1 2 3
Why Put Your Heart Online? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9 What Do You Need to Do Online Dating? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .23 Don’t Do It Yourself: Online Dating Services . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .35
Part II 4 5 6
Working with a Dating Service . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .49 Choosing a Dating Service . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .51 Maximizing Your Dating Site Options . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .65 Taking a Trial Run . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .79
Part III
Putting Yourself Out There . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .91
7 8 9 10
Creating a Profile . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .93 Maintaining Good Form(s) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .107 Presenting Yourself: Using Photos . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .117 Dealing with S-E-X . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .131
Part IV 11 12 13 14 15 16 17
Jumping into the Dating Pool . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .141 Making First Contact . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Email and Chat Room Etiquette . . . . . . . . . . . Instant Messaging and Chatting . . . . . . . . . . . Meeting Someone in Person . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Religious Values and Other Challenges . . . . . . If Things Don’t Work Out… . . . . . . . . . . . . . . If Things Do Work Out: Planning to Say “I Do”
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. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .143 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .155 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .167 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .177 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .187 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .197 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .207
Part V
There’s a Match Out There for Everyone . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .217
18 19 20
Specialty Dating . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .219 Dating in Your 40s, 50, and 60s . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .231 Dating for the Geographically Challenged . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .241
Part VI 21 22 23 24
Coping with Ups and Downs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .251 Practicing Safe Dating . . . . . . . . . . Avoiding the Date from Hell . . . . . . Improving Your Chances of Success Finding Support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Index . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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.253 .265 .275 .285 .297
Table of Contents Introduction. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 Some Key Terms . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 Some Things to Keep in Mind . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 How to Use This Book . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 Where to Find More Help . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 Conventions Used in This Book . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4
I Getting Started with Online Dating . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .7 1 Why Put Your Heart Online? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 Advantages of Cyber-Dating . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Overcoming Your Own Fears and Getting Started . The Alternatives: “Brickbats-and-Mortar” Dating . Success Stories . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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10 11 12 14
Deciding What You Want . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17 Short-Term Fun . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17 Long-Term Romance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17 Identifying That Special Someone . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18 Creating a Profile of Your Ideal Match . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18 Who Might Be Looking For You? The Troller . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The Nester . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The Clock-Watcher . . . . . . . . . . The Spiritual Seeker. . . . . . . . . .
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19 19 19 20 20
2 What Do You Need to Do Online Dating? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23 The Absolute Least You Really Need . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24 Checklist . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24 Computer and Other Hardware You Need . An Internet Connection. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A Digital Camera . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Multimedia Equipment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A Cell Phone . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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25 26 26 27 28
vi
ABSOLUTE BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING
Computer Software to Help You Get in Touch . A Web Browser. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Chat Software . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Instant Messaging . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Text/SMS Messaging . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A Photo Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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29 29 31 31 32 32
3 Don’t Do It Yourself: Online Dating Services . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35 Turning Online for Dating Advice Web Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Discussion Groups. . . . . . . . . . . . Mailing Lists . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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36 36 36 37
How Cyber-Dating Counselors Can Help You. Editing Help . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Free Advice. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Not-So-Free Advice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Personal Consultation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Essay Writing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Getting Your Friends to Help: Friendster . . . . .
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38 39 41 42 42 44 45
II Working with a Dating Service . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .49 4 Choosing a Dating Service . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 51 Myths and Hard Truths . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 52 Spending Money Is Optional, But… . Free Sites . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Subscription Services . . . . . . . . . . . . Specialty Sites . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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53 54 55 56
Evaluating a Dating Service . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Location, Location, Location . . . . . . . . . . . . . Consider Who Is Doing the Matching. . . . . . . Getting Background Information on the Web . Letting the Website Match You . . . . . . . . . . . Differences in Online Profiles . . . . . . . . . . . . . Differences in Messaging . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Differences in How Your Privacy Is Maintained
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57 57 58 58 59 59 62 62
CONTENTS
5 Maximizing Your Dating Site Options . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 65 Comparing Dating Service Providers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 66 How DSPs Are Similar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 66 What DSPs Don’t Tell You Right Away . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67 The Big Players . . . . . . Yahoo! Personals . . . Match.com . . . . . . . . Lavalife. . . . . . . . . . . AmericanSingles.com FriendFinder . . . . . . .
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68 69 71 73 74 74
Niche Sites . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 75 Sites That Take a Scientific Approach. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 76 Getting Opinions on DSPs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 77 6 Taking a Trial Run . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 79 Signing Up for Free. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Trial Memberships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Free Memberships. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Picking an Appealing Screen Name or Headline Features You Should Evaluate . . . . . . . . . . . . . Filling Out Surveys: Taking Your Time . . . . . . . . Filling Out Surveys, Part 2: eHarmony . . . . . . . .
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80 80 81 82 84 85 85
Email Matches, Suggestions, and Teases . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87 Developing a Healthy Attitude . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 88 Setting Your Sights/Sites Low . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 88 Responding to Initial Contacts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 89
III Putting Yourself Out There . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .91 7 Creating a Profile . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 93 Researching Yourself: Who Are You, Really? . Looking to the Stars: Astrology . . . . . . . . . . . Looking to Science: Personality Tests . . . . . . . Creating an Online Persona . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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94 94 95 95
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viii
ABSOLUTE BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING
Deciding How Much to Reveal About Your Identity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 96 The Age Question . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 97 Describing Your Personal Appearance. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 99 Describing Education, Income, and Other Basics . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 99 Observing the Do’s and Don’ts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100 Automating Your Profile. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 101 Creating a Profile Template . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 101 Creating a Profile with Special Software . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 102 8 Maintaining Good Form(s) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 107 Filling Out Forms. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 108 Answering Essay Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 110 Telling Your Story, Your Way . . . . . . . . Writing an “Under Construction” Essay Learning from Others’ Essays . . . . . . . . Be Truthful, Be Consistent . . . . . . . . . . Tell Anecdotes. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Did You Hear the One About…? . . . . . Short and Sweet Is Best . . . . . . . . . . . . Finding Your Own Editorial Help. . . . . .
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112 113 114 115 115 115 115 116
9 Presenting Yourself: Using Photos . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 117 Why Photos Are Important. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 118 Considering Reasons to Go Photoless . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 119 A Compromise: Restricting Access to Your Photo . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 119 Digital Photo Options . . Scanning . . . . . . . . . . Using a Photo Service . Digital Cameras . . . . . Hiring a Photographer .
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120 122 123 123 125
Editing Your Photo . . . . . . . . . . . . . What Makes a Good Photo? . . . . . Cropping . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Retouching . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Changing Contrast and Brightness .
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126 126 128 128 129
CONTENTS
10 Dealing with S-E-X . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 131 Catching the Wave: Surfing for Sex and Thrills . . Mainstream Sites That Include Swingers . . . . . . . . Sexy Sites . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Services That Only Pretend to Be for Dating or Sex Webcams and Virtual Sex Games . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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Surfing for a Brand-New Family . Including Sex in Your Profile. . . . Sexually Transmitted Diseases. . . Religious Attitudes Toward Sex. .
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136 137 138 138
IV Jumping into the Dating Pool . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .141 11 Making First Contact. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 143 Gone Fishin’—Trolling for Matches . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 144 Automatic Matchmaking . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 145 Searching for Dating Prospects. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 145 Options for First Contact . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Using Your Dating Service’s Messaging System Switching to Email . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Instant Messaging/Text Messaging . . . . . . . . .
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147 147 150 150
What Do You Say After You’ve Said Hello? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 150 Be Upbeat, Be Optimistic . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 151 Keep Track of What You’ve Said. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 152 Reading Email to Determine What Someone Is Like . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 152 What Not to Do . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 152 Being Open While Being Sensible . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 152 12 Email and Chat Room Etiquette . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 155 Making Friends with Email . . . . . . . . . . Checking Your Email . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Choosing an Email Program. . . . . . . . . Check, Double-Check, and Spell-Check
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156 156 157 158
Using Email to Flirt and Attract . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 159 Greetings and Salutations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 160 Conveying Emotion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 160
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ABSOLUTE BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING
Look Before You Type: Avoiding E-Malfunctions . Watch for Warning Signs. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Avoid Turn-Offs. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Observing the Niceties of Netiquette . . . . . . . . . . Keeping Your Email Private . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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161 161 162 163 165
Moving to the Next Level . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 165 13 Instant Messaging and Chatting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 167 Instant Messaging. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 168 Do Your Research . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 169 Keep the Conversation Going, But Not for Too Long . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 170 Text Messaging . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 171 Chatting Up Dating Prospects. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 174 14 Meeting Someone in Person. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 177 Choosing the Right Time and Place . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 178 When Is It the Right Time? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 178 Zeroing In on the Right Place . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 179 Meeting Face to Face . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 181 Picking Up on Visual Cues . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 181 Asking the Right Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 182 Preparing an Exit Strategy . . . . . . . Tell Someone Where You’re Going . Arrange an Escort . . . . . . . . . . . . . Arrange a Way to Get Home . . . . . Follow Up with a Message. . . . . . .
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183 183 184 184 184
15 Religious Values and Other Challenges . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 187 Sharing Your Religious Beliefs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 188 Shopping for Religious Dating Venues. Christian Sites . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jewish Sites . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Other Religions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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188 189 192 194
Race and Other Qualities . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 194
CONTENTS
16 If Things Don’t Work Out… . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 197 Saying Thanks, But No Thanks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 198 Saying No in the Early Stages . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 198 Saying No After Things Have Progressed. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 200 Trying Different Ways of Saying “No, Thanks” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 200 Making a Courteous Good-Bye . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 200 Making a Firm Goodbye . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 201 Hearing “Thanks, But No Thanks” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 202 If Someone Stops Communicating . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 203 If Someone Turns You Down . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 203 17 If Things Do Work Out: Planning to Say “I Do” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 207 How Do You Know He or She Is “The One”? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 208 Going Online to Plan Your Wedding . Planning Your Honeymoon . . . . . . . . Creating a Wedding Website . . . . . . . Where Should You Buy All That Stuff? Involving Your Parents . . . . . . . . . . . . Single-Parenting Issues . . . . . . . . . . . Religious and Other Differences . . . . .
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210 211 212 214 214 215 215
V There’s a Match Out There for Everyone . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .217 18 Specialty Dating . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 219 Physical or Other Attributes . . . . . . . . . . . Physical Issues . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dating with Disabilities . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dating with Sexually Transmitted Diseases
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220 220 221 221
Hobbies and Other Interests. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 222 Sports Lovers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 223 Pet Lovers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 223 Threesomes and Other Combinations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 224 Gay and Lesbian Dating . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 226 Political and Social Causes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 226
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ABSOLUTE BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING
Common Backgrounds . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 228 Timing Is Everything: Short-Notice Dates. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 228 19 Dating in Your 40s, 50s, and 60s. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 231 Enjoying the New “Good Old Days”. Facing the Skeletons in the Closet . . Focusing on Fun and Adventure. . . . Staying Positive About Health Issues .
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232 233 233 234
Single Parenting and Other Issues Who Does the Asking? . . . . . . . . Whom Can You Trust? . . . . . . . . Dealing with Intimacy . . . . . . . . . Finding Support . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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234 235 235 236 237
Dealing with Age Differences. . . . . . . . . . . . . . Encountering Younger—Much Younger—Dates Dates Who Don’t Act Their Age . . . . . . . . . . . . Dates Who Are Up to No Good . . . . . . . . . . . .
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20 Dating for the Geographically Challenged. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 241 Long-Distance Relationships. Keeping in Touch . . . . . . . . Enlisting Family and Friends . Dating Overseas . . . . . . . . .
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242 242 243 243
Finding a “Russian Bride” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 244 Where to Meet Someone from Out of Town . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 246 Finding Dates When You’re Constantly on the Move . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 246 Small Town, Big Dreams . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 247 Ironing Out Relocation and Travel Dilemmas . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 248 Trusting Your Instincts When You First Meet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 248
VI Coping with Ups and Downs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .251 21 Practicing Safe Dating. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 253 Maintaining Your Privacy . . . . . . . . Blocking Your Personal Information Anonymous Web Browsing . . . . . . Picking a Good Screen ID. . . . . . . .
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254 254 256 257
CONTENTS
Observing Good Safety Practices . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 258 The Pay Phone Option . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 258 Notifying Friends and Family . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 258 Trying an Invitation-Only Service . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 259 Asking the Right Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 260 If Things Go Wrong… . . . . . . . . . . . . If Someone Threatens You… . . . . . . If Someone Stalks or Harasses You… If You Just Don’t Meet Anyone… . . .
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261 261 262 262
22 Avoiding the Date from Hell . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 265 Realizing What Can Go Wrong . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 266 You Say the Wrong Things. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 267 Financial Fraud . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 268 Dealing with Problematic Personality Types Uncovering Players . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Watching for Inconsistencies . . . . . . . . . . . . Leaving Gracefully . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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268 270 271 271
Researching Someone Beforehand . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 271 23 Improving Your Chances of Success . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 275 Evaluating Your Profile . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 276 Editing Your Profile. . . . . . . Changing Your Photos. . . . Changing Your Approach . Loosening Up Your Criteria Relaxing Your Attitude. . . .
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276 277 279 279 279
Keeping a Dating Diary . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 280 Evaluating Your Current Relationships. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 281 Getting on the Same Page. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 281 Having a State-of-the-Relationship Talk. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 282
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24 Finding Support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 285 Turning to Your Dating Service Provider Making a Marketplace a Community . . . Learning About Your Peers . . . . . . . . . . Learning About Your DSP . . . . . . . . . . .
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286 286 287 289
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Walking on the Wild Side: Usenet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 293 Looking for Professional Help . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 294 Index . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 297
About the Author A computer geek back in the days when most of his fellow newspaper reporters were still pounding away on typewriters, Greg Holden was excited by the World Wide Web in its early days, and has been devoted to meeting—and helping—people online ever since. One of Greg’s many contributions to the field is helping folks who may not be initially comfortable with the computer get the most out of this remarkable tool. He’s forever grateful that writing about the Internet allowed him to leave the confining cubicle of his nine-to-five editorial job at the University of Chicago. He formed his own company called Stylus Media, which specializes in technical writing, publications management, and desktop publishing. And it hasn’t escaped his attention that the Web has the power to change lives in lots of other ways—including online dating.
Dedication To my daughters, Lucy and Zosia, who taught me everything I know about love.
Acknowledgments One of the nice things about meeting people online is this: You are reminded that you are not alone—far from it. In fact, there’s a whole network of individuals out there in cyberspace who can change your life for the better. My own personal support network of individuals helped me write this book. They include, first and foremost, David and Sherry Rogelberg, Neil Salkind, and Stacey Barone of Studio B; and my assistant Ann Lindner. Thanks also go to the nice folks at Que who guided me through this first (and hopefully not last) book for them. At the forefront was helpful and patient editor Karen Whitehouse. She made sure I didn’t steer you the wrong way, and watched out for speed bumps, typos, and other boo-boos that might have proved turnoffs.
We Want to Hear from You! As the reader of this book, you are our most important critic and commentator. We value your opinion and want to know what we’re doing right, what we could do better, what areas you’d like to see us publish in, and any other words of wisdom you’re willing to pass our way. As an executive editor for Que Publishing, I welcome your comments. You can email or write me directly to let me know what you did or didn’t like about this book—as well as what we can do to make our books better. Please note that I cannot help you with technical problems related to the topic of this book. We do have a User Services group, however, where I will forward specific technical questions related to the book. When you write, please be sure to include this book’s title and author as well as your name, email address, and phone number. I will carefully review your comments and share them with the author and editors who worked on the book. Email:
[email protected]
Mail:
Candace Hall Executive Editor Que Publishing 800 East 96th Street Indianapolis, IN 46240 USA
For more information about this book or another Que title, visit our website at www.quepublishing.com. Type the ISBN (excluding hyphens) or the title of a book in the Search field to find the page you’re looking for.
Introduction If you are one of the many people looking on with envy as friends, relatives, and coworkers find new boyfriends, girlfriends, and even spouses through online dating, this book will help you join the fun—and, quite possibly, change your life for the better. If you are new to the exciting world of online dating, this is the book for you. You’ll boost your confidence in your ability to flirt, attract, and meet people safely. You’ll also learn more about how to stay in control of your privacy and (as much as you prefer, given your personal makeup) your emotions. This book will streamline the process of creating profiles and give you the skills to effectively communicate online. My goal is to make you feel as though you have a personal consultant at your disposal as you exchange email and chat messages and make appointments for coffee, tea—or anything else that happens to come up. Online dating is one of the hot topics in cyberspace, and it’s fast becoming part of mainstream culture. Chances are you’ve heard about the subject, either through the media or word of mouth. When my editor and I put out feelers to begin the process of interviewing people who had met others online, we were flooded by responses. Other editors, and even other computer writers, were eager to tell about their experiences. Many of my friends know friends who have started with online dating and ended with a partner for life. As for myself, I’ve done pretty much everything ethical that it’s possible to do on the Internet, including striking up long-term relationships. For some years now, online daters have gone from being considered slightly shady to being entirely cool. But, as good as we all like to consider ourselves in the area of love, there’s always room for improvement. In fact, this book is just what you need if you have only a passing knowledge of online dating and need a user-friendly coach to ease you into the cyber-dating “pool.” You don’t even need to be a computer expert in any stretch of the imagination. This book does assume that you’re somewhat familiar with Windows or the Macintosh, you have access to an Internet connection, and you surf the Web on occasion. So if you’d feel a little more comfortable with some knowledge of bits, megabytes, and cable modems under your belt, I refer you to books such as Absolute Beginner’s Guide to Computer Basics by Michael Miller, also published by Que. Whether you want computer knowledge as a byproduct or not, this book will help you focus on your main goal—finding a significant other. If you can click a mouse, get a digital photo of yourself, and exchange email, you’re ready to begin. A little bit of effort brings huge benefits that are changing society, relationships, and lives all around the world. Suddenly, you have hundreds of potential dating partners
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instead of just the few you meet at the local nightspots, or those who are recommended by friends or family members who are always trying to set you up with someone “just perfect.” I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that realistically things don’t always work out the way you hoped. Here again, online dating is your new best friend. You can strike up a conversation, assess the situation, end a relationship, and move on to someone else from the convenience of your own home with a minimum of heartache and expense of both time and money. Ever since Adam and Eve, one of the big goals for every human being has been to find a life partner. Because the Internet has achieved widespread, everyday use rather than being the exclusive province of “propeller heads,” achieving this goal has taken on new possibilities. With the help of this book anyone, including you, can participate in online dating safely and effectively. And you can have tons of fun, too!
Some Key Terms This book won’t bog you down in computer-speak, but it will help you navigate a number of Internet communication technologies ranging from the Web to chat rooms, instant messaging, email, and discussion boards. Here are a few definitions you should keep in mind so you can follow this book’s step-by-step examples without phoning your niece or nephew for interpretation: ■ Click. When you see this term, click something once, not twice. ■ Double-click. When you see this term, click something twice, not once, three times, or ten times. ■ Right-click. Use your right mouse button, not your left, to make a shortcut menu appear from which you can select options. ■ Web-page form. This is a web page with text boxes, buttons, check boxes, and other fields you use to submit data (such as a profile of yourself) to a website. ■ Drop-down menu list. This is a commonly used item on a web-page form. ■ Download. This is what happens when you view content on a web page or copy a program to your computer: Data moves from a site on the Internet to your own hard disk. ■ Upload. This is the opposite of downloading: You move data from your computer (for example, a computerized photo of yourself) to a site on the Internet. Many dating sites—websites that bring people together so they can meet one another—streamline many of the processes. They make it easy to create an online
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profile, for instance. They might also give you your own email account. The most technical thing you have to do is take a good photo of yourself that is in the form of a computer document so you can add it to your profile. You’ll find out more about how to do that in Chapter 9.
Some Things to Keep in Mind You are in control when it comes to online dating. You can move from site to site, change your profile at any time, or take a break if you want. Also keep in mind that your own computer screen might not look identical to the ones seen in this book. Windows and web pages appear different depending on the browser and operating system you use. Not only that, but dating sites change as often as hairstyles and waistlines. So if something has the same name but looks completely different when you see it, or if the address has changed by the time you try to view it, calm down and go with the flow.
How to Use This Book This book is divided into six parts. Each part builds on the previous one. But that doesn’t mean you have to read all of them, or that you have to read the book’s chapters consecutively. Skip around to the content that applies most closely to you. Here’s a summary of what each part covers: Part I, “Getting Started with Online Dating,” helps you ease your way into the cyber-singles scene. You learn what to expect, what equipment you will need, and what you might find when you get there. You even learn about some matchmakers who can make it easier for you to find the person you’re looking for. Part II, “Working with a Dating Service,” introduces you to the most common way to look for love online—registering with a dating service. However, all services aren’t created equal. Some fit your personality and goals better than others. You will learn about the differences and how to join without overpaying. Part III, “Putting Yourself Out There,” examines how to make a presentation that will stand out from the crowd and attract responses. You will learn how to create a profile, fill out forms, write essays, and create photos that will show you off in your best light (I mean that literally). Part IV, “Jumping into the Dating Pool,” describes different ways to communicate with people you meet online. You will learn that greetings are important, flirting is possible without actually being in the same room with someone, and how to move from typing messages to talking on the phone and meeting in person. Part V, “There’s a Match Out There for Everyone,” covers the many specialty dating sites available for those with individual needs and interests.
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Part VI, “Coping with Ups and Downs,” tells you how to stay sane while putting yourself online. You will get tips on how to maintain your privacy, change your profile, get support, and deal with dates that don’t turn out as well as you hoped.
Where to Find More Help After you have used the content covered in this book, you might want to use other books published by Que, such as Easy Internet, Fourth Edition by Joe Kraynak.
Conventions Used in This Book You will find cautions, tips, and notes scattered throughout this book.
caution A caution tells you to beware of a potentially dangerous act or situation. In some cases, ignoring cautions could cause you significant problems, so pay particular attention to them.
tip A tip is a piece of advice— a little trick, actually—that helps you use software or your computer more effectively. Tips can also help you maneuver around problems or limitations.
A note is designed to provide information that is generally useful but not necessarily essential for what you’re doing at the moment. Some are similar to extended tips—interesting, but not essential.
INTRODUCTION
Not only that, but I’ve taken the liberty of creating a few special tidbits, designed just for this book, that will help you along the way. DR. DATE SEZ… This is off-the-cuff advice from yours truly, based on my own experience, and with a good deal of common sense thrown in.
TIPS FROM THE TRENCHES… These are quotes and stories from people who have experience in the field of online dating and who have been generous enough to share their tips and comments with you. Any new terms being defined are in italics; action-related items are in bold in the text to help you locate instructions as you are reading. Keep these conventions in mind as you read through the text.
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I
PART Getting Started with Online Dating Why Put Your Heart Online?
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What Do You Need to Do Online Dating?
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23
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Don’t Do It Yourself: Online Dating Services
In this chapter
• Using online dating to never say “never” • Finding out what all the online dating fuss is about
• Learning the basics of what your computer can do for you
• Adding online dating to your options for starting relationships
• Winnowing your choices of prospective dates
• Presenting yourself in the most attractive way
Why Put Your Heart Online? A 60-something former dancer looking for someone to go out with and trip the light fantastic; a 20-something single mother who had endured a series of abusive relationships with men; a divorced dad living in rural Texas; a character actor who travels the world; a never-married rehabber living in Chicago. What do all of these people have in common? They turned to the Internet to find a date. Some are now happily married, others found the lifelong companions they were seeking, and others met wonderful people who have brightened their lives. Their stories, which you’ll find within the pages of this book, will encourage you to follow their examples and jump into the exciting and fast-growing activity of online dating.
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Chances are you’ve heard about online dating in the news media. The reason that dating on the Web gets so much coverage these days is because it’s changing the lives of people all over the world. The people who went online to find companionship a few years ago, in the early days of the World Wide Web, already had some technical know-how about computers and how the Net works. Nowadays, everyone is looking for love online, whether they are Internet-savvy or not. These absolute beginners need suggestions and instructions for how to do online dating efficiently and effectively. I say suggestions because there are no hard-and-fast rules when it comes to online dating. Every time I thought I had a “do” or “don’t” to convey, I found an exception to the rule. This chapter gives you an overview of the online dating process and helps you plan the best way to start working (and playing) toward your relationship goals.
Advantages of Cyber-Dating When you think about why traditional dating can potentially make you feel bad about yourself, you can probably come up with a quick list of challenges that include ■ Competition. There are lots of people in your area who are looking for others to date, and many have the advantage of being younger, more athletic, richer, or trendier than you. ■ Time. You work long hours and/or have small children, and the thought of going out to bars and clubs at night makes you tired. You limit your dating, or your search for dates, to weekends. ■ Distance. If you live in a large metropolitan area, there are lots of places to meet people and lots of singles to meet. If you don’t, you’re at a disadvantage and you might have to travel a long way to search for those that might be suitable dates. ■ Confidence. Rejections, break-ups, divorces, and other setbacks can take a toll on your mental/emotional attitude. A simple lack of self-esteem might prevent from you from even getting started with dating. You’ll notice that some factors you might consider to be obstacles aren’t mentioned on the preceding list: You’re overweight; you’re too old; you’re a single parent; you’re disabled; you’re gay; you have a sexually transmitted disease; you smoke; you’re a recovering alcoholic. The list of possible excuses goes on and on. Characteristics that might make dating difficult in your own geographic community won’t prevent you from meeting people online. When you have millions of people from whom to choose, you are bound to find someone who is in the same situation you are or will applaud you for being just who you are. If you can overcome your fears in your own mind, you won’t encounter them in cyberspace.
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The advantages of going online to find dates are many. You can get a long list of prospects in minutes, and you can get acquainted from the comfort of your own home. You don’t have to get dressed up and spend money on meals, concerts, or other events (at least not initially). You also get to know a lot about someone before you even send him or her your first email or instant message. And you can search for people based on shared interests and values. You can easily become close friends before you meet someone in person.
Overcoming Your Own Fears and Getting Started
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tip Chapter 18 examines dating for people with special needs and interests. Chapter 19 discusses dating for people who are in their 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond. Chapter 20 explores dating people across the country or overseas. As you’ll see, there are dating venues available for practically everyone in every situation.
Once you overcome any technical obstacles to online dating (such as obtaining the necessary computer equipment and getting online—see Chapter 2), you need to find an online dating service. The way most people find companions on the Internet, these days, is to subscribe to a service that brings people together, such as Yahoo! Personals, Match.com, uDate, Lavalife, or any of dozens of other venues like the one shown in Figure 1.1. (URLs and details for these and other dating sites can be found in Chapter 4.) FIGURE 1.1 Most online daters meet one another through web-based dating services like this.
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Such services enable you to post one or more photos online. They provide easy-touse forms that you can fill out to create a profile that functions as a sort of “classified ad” and gives prospective dates the important details about you. You create a profile, and possibly answer a few simple essay questions that describe you and the type of person you would like to meet. After that, the only challenge is approaching people, talking to them by instant messaging or email, and eventually dating them in person. Once you are online and have joined a dating site, in other words, the main thing to overcome is your own attitude. You probably have some well-founded fears about finding people online. You don’t see people face-to-face to begin with; you base your initial selection on some photos that have been posted online, some brief ads, and possibly some answers to essay questions. Keep in mind that, although society’s norm is something you have to contend with in your geographic hometown, the Internet is a whole new world. You can’t impose an artificial, old-fashioned morality on it. If you can find another person to share whatever it is that you happen to be interested in, your whole arena opens up. People on the Internet don’t pre-screen people or turn them away. The fact is, you’re living in a time when you can connect to a worldwide network of millions—the Internet—where millions of potential matches are out there waiting for you.
The Alternatives: “Brickbats-and-Mortar” Dating Going online to meet people doesn’t mean you have to stop dating “offline” as well. You can actually multiply your chances of having a date for Saturday night by making good use of all your alternatives, including meeting new people while sitting at your computer. My opinion is that, after you’ve had some online dates, you’ll go out to singles bars and singles events less and less—although many of the online dating services such as Match.com hold real-world parties, cruises, and other events where people can meet face-to-face. It’s a good idea to know your available options when you turn your computer off, stretch, and go outside to breathe some fresh air.
Hooking Up at the Office It’s not supposed to happen according to workplace rules, but the fact is that working together is a good way to learn all about other people. You see how they react in different situations; you have a variety of shared experiences; you share time at meetings, parties, and at lunch. However, there are lots of drawbacks to striking up an office romance—not the least of which is the possibility of getting hit with a sexual harassment lawsuit. Especially
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if you are the supervisor, you can risk disciplinary action or lose your job. And if the romance fizzles, it can be pretty awkward to have your former lover assigned to your team when you’re heading up a project. The negatives outweigh the positives and, although many people can and do strike up successful long-term relationships after meeting in the workplace, you’re probably better off avoiding such encounters.
Meeting at Group-Related Events Organizations based on religious, political, or other interests provide lots of chances for people to meet one another. Many even have subgroups and events specifically designed for singles. Perhaps you both volunteer to write for the newsletter or sign up for the same out-of-town conference; you are likely to already share some of the same important values with someone you might meet, so getting together is a natural. On the other hand, just like an office romance, a group romance can have longterm negative repercussions. Your relationship can quickly become a source of jealousy and gossip. If things go sour, other members of the group may take sides and one of you might ultimately be so uncomfortable you’ll leave altogether. Or if both of you continue to attend, you still have to find a way to remain cordial as you interact in the future.
Venturing into Singles Bars If you’re young and attractive and don’t mind being judged solely on how you look, you might try out a singles bar if there’s one convenient to where you live or work. For the rest of us, singles bars can be intimidating wasters of time and money. You can easily go the same place many times without leaving with someone or at least someone’s phone number. Or you can find it scary to be constantly hit on by someone who doesn’t interest you. Bars are loud, smoky, and dark, and none of these atmospheric qualities makes it easy to really get to know someone at a level beyond the shallow. The big obstacle is the amount of guts it takes to walk up to someone you have never met and start talking to him or her. If you are rejected, all of your friends witness and know it. And much of the “action” occurs when you have been drinking, or late at night, when you might be tired. No wonder online dating has become so popular: You can meet people when you’re ready; you can learn about them beforehand; and you can remain clean and sober.
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Placing Personal Ads I personally know people who have placed ads in the newspaper and actually met nice companions. In one case, a young co-worker got introduced to her husband that way. So, I can’t totally knock this method of starting a relationship. If you don’t have Internet access and cannot afford the $20 or so monthly fee to join an online dating service, personal ads provide an alternative. What is worth noting is that placing personal ads in the newspaper is “old technology.” So is video dating, which lets you see someone and screen them before you met them, but which is inconvenient because you have to pay a fee to view a certain number of candidates and you have to view the ads at the video dating service’s location. Both newspaper and video personals are similar to online dating because they’re forerunners of the current “new technology” way of meeting people. If you’re thinking of placing an ad in a newspaper, why not take the next step and place a virtual ad on a website? You can say much more about yourself, you can exchange photos easily, and you can talk on the phone and by email before meeting one another in person. DR. DATE SEZ… Just as online marketplaces like eBay (www.ebay.com) and Amazon.com are changing the way the world does business, online dating venues are changing the way the world finds love and romance. Online dating is growing all the time; the largest dating sites have a million members or more. The old-fashioned ways of meeting people are still around, but many singles are leaving the old venues for online dating sites. You’re likely to have better luck online than off.
Success Stories Online dating helps lots of people in lots of ways. You can find people who share your background and beliefs. You can find singles who have the very physical qualities that turn you on. They can even help you find acceptance for people with special situations such as disabilities or illnesses. Another advantage is geographic. People who live in rural areas and simply don’t have a lot of other dating prospects can meet singles from all over the world. People who work hard all day and are too tired to go out during the week can meet new people any time, from the comfort and safety of their own homes. Tim Browning, shown in Figure 1.2, dates from his home in rural Texas, when he’s not busy caring for his kids, who live with him part-time.
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FIGURE 1.2 Going online can help you overcome limitations of geography and availability.
ONLINE DATING CAN BE A GREAT EQUALIZER Tim Browning is a good-looking guy (see his Yahoo! Personals profile in Figure 1.1), but he has some geographic limitations that make it hard for him to find dates the old-fashioned way. He lives in a rural area between Boyd and Springtown, Texas. Going to meet people at “happy hour” is out of the question because of the long drive home. Going online for cyber-dates has helped him overcome the distance problem. He says he decided to go online because “I was tired of going out and coming home to an empty house. The personals offer easy access to many faces and profiles. You have the opportunity to meet people from a larger pool.” Tim prefers dating in his own geographic area, but going online has introduced him to women from many far-flung locations. “I have traveled to areas like Arizona, California, Colorado, and Florida to meet the people I have chatted with. I have had some people come and visit me also. Recently, a lady from England came; I was very flattered that she did!” Tim’s advice on creating a good online profile is simple: “Use current, natural pictures—no ‘glamour’ pictures. Keep your verbiage positive.” I tried to get from Tim some definite guidance on when to move from email and chat to instant messaging, from instant messaging to the phone, and from phone conversations to an in-person meeting. But his answer confirmed what I’ve learned from experience: There aren’t any hard-and-fast rules. Every situation is different. “I’ve done this every which way. It depends on what level of interest you have in the person you are [e]mailing.”
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Online dating has helped him to overcome another limitation—availability. “Living in a rural area, you tend to be a weekend warrior and miss out on some of the socialization that can go on during the week.” Now, you can find him chatting and meeting women virtually any night of the week, so he’s not missing out on much at all. Virtually all the dating sites post photos of happy couples who have met and married after becoming acquainted online, like the ones shown in Figure 1.3. FIGURE 1.3 Success stories look the same, but they are for real and should inspire you.
All the stories look and sound similar, but the thing to remember is that they can’t all be fictitious. And they aren’t. I’ve met plenty of people who have married women or men they first encountered with their computers. You, too, are likely to know a friend or a friend-of-a-friend who is in the same situation. Just ask around; you’ll get some suggestions of services you can join and tips for presenting yourself. I suggest that you ask family and friends for advice before you go online. Having such support can help you create an attractive profile, and give you encouragement just when you need it.
tip Friends and family can also help provide a safety net by being present, either physically or on the phone, when you meet face-to-face for the first time. (See Chapters 21 and 22 for more information on keeping face-to-face meetings trouble-free.)
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Deciding What You Want With so many potential dates available, online dating presents you with a different problem. The challenge is not finding people. You’re going to be able to find a number of good prospects who are the same age, who share your religious and other values, and who live either in your immediate area or within driving distance. Rather, it’s deciding exactly which people are right for you. Online dating gives you the chance to be selective—to focus on what’s really important to you in a companion. You might be surprised: Republicans have ended up dating and marrying Democrats; Christians and Jews have gotten together; so have people who are far apart in age and background. If the important thing is finding someone who touches you on a deep emotional level, such external qualities become less important. You can focus on what you’re really looking for in a date— some suggestions follow.
Short-Term Fun If you keep your goals realistic and low-key, you’ll have better luck with online dating. It’s perfect for people who want to make new connections, broaden their horizons, and fill their weekends with some fun. It is possible to find the love of your life online—many people have done so—but it’s not always useful to be totally fixated on the end result. Relax and enjoy the process of meeting people and getting to know about them—and yourself, too. As one online dater commented: Maybe I wasn’t the coolest kid in high school, but I wasn’t a wallflower either. I’ve had my chances to hook up, but for all sorts of reasons I’m still single. One of the reasons I prefer online dating is that I get to meet lots of other unmarried people who like themselves. Okay, I get a twinge when I see a baby food commercial or watch an elderly couple holding hands in a restaurant. But I’ve got plenty of tired and broke friends who have all sorts of problems with their kids and have already been divorced once or even twice. Married is not necessarily better than single. There are good and bad things about both. What’s important is staying involved and…meeting new people, and that’s what online dating lets me do.
Long-Term Romance You don’t have to be ashamed if your goal in going online is the old-fashioned ideal of a lifelong soulmate and marriage partner who will eventually be the parent of your children. People go online all the time with that dream in the back of their minds. The trick is not emphasizing this ultimate objective right away—certainly not
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in the body of your online dating profile, and certainly not on a first date. You’re likely to scare away many potential candidates if you do. Remember that many people believe love and marriage go together. You just have to be prepared to kiss a lot of frogs before finding the one who is going to turn into your handsome prince or princess. You should initially come across as someone who wants to meet some nice people and have a positive experience, no matter what happens in the legal department. And whatever you do, don’t give up in your search.
Identifying That Special Someone How will you know when your love comes along? Perfume companies spend a lot of money getting us to spend money on the scent we think defines us and will attract our significant other. There is supposed to be a difference between someone exuding the essence of sandalwood versus somebody smelling like lemonade. Other people have other criteria. I know two women who divide all the men in the world into two categories: “made” and “unmade” beds. They are best friends because they never compete. One is scornful of the corporate type wearing a three-piece suit and the other won’t consider anyone who even owns a pair of jeans or a flannel shirt. Of course, the plots of most soap operas are based on the sparks that fly when opposites attract, so you never know what’s going to happen when you add that mysterious ingredient—chemistry. The best you can do is describe yourself in an accurate and interesting way, pay your money, and take your chances.
Creating a Profile of Your Ideal Match It makes a difference exactly how you present yourself online—what kinds of photos you select, and what kinds of words you use to describe yourself and the type of person you are seeking. I heard about four women living in the same small town who decided to put their dating profile questions to the test. To begin with, their biographical information was similar. To distinguish each other online, they decided to send a visual message. Each picked their most provocative personality trait and did a little “dress up.” They took each other’s photo in various locations. One was in a business suit sitting primly on the front steps of a library. Another was in short cut-offs and a halter-top riding a horse. The third donned Victoria’s Secret lingerie and leaned against a Harley-Davidson. The last put an apron over a long-sleeved gingham dress and posed in a kitchen. Why should we not be surprised that they got really different responses from various kinds of men based on their photos? None of them even
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mentioned relevant information about their interests in the profiles. Yet men were distracted by the overthe-top photographic presentation. The women learned that it is important to be diligent and classy with bios to prevent attracting people whose motivations have nothing to do with integrity and honestly seeking a lifelong mate. However, please do not make the mistake of thinking you’ve been granted a license to take advanCreating a white lie, tage of others. Communities welcome and nurture particularly about your age, all kinds of people, and I never miss a chance to can sometimes be a useful way to tout the benefits of diversity. However, in order to open up the dating possibilities a function, all neighborhoods need a watch program. little more. You’ll find more about If you’re an axe murderer or a child molester or that in the chapters that follow. just get your jollies by playing cruel tricks on people, you really shouldn’t be on the Internet. To be functional and happy, all members of a family should adhere to the golden rule. In other words, date others as you would like to be dated.
Who Might Be Looking For You? Sometimes the sentence structure or tone of this book might not relate directly to your circumstances. Keep in mind that it is intended to provide an overview that will be helpful to most of the daters most of the time. In most cases, all you need to do is to distill that nugget of information that is being presented. How you apply it is up to you. However, you may recognize yourself in one of the following categories.
The Troller A lot of people find online dating to be useful because it allows them to cast a wide net. They figure that, by the law of averages, if they put out a vast number of lines they are bound to get several worthwhile nibbles. They prefer to get a live body in their appropriate age and interest range and ask questions later. They are prepared to catch and release a number of dates with the possibility that they will eventually find a keeper.
The Nester Other people are just longing for that coo-some twosome, with hopes that the population will rapidly explode to three or even four. Maybe you’re a female with a
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ticking biological clock or a male who just discovered an urge to leave as much of your DNA on earth as possible. There’s nothing wrong with wanting white picket fences and geraniums on the windowsill. Keep in mind that before marriage and the baby carriage comes love, and that prospective dates want to be valued for their own special characteristics instead of just feeling used to make babies.
The Clock-Watcher Sometimes dating can seem more like a job than going into the office every day. You need to agree on a location, pick out your outfit, wash your car, polish your repartee, and the list goes on. Online dating is custom-made for the time-challenged. You pick the hour and decide how much energy to invest. At some point you still have to dress up and take your show on the road, but in the meantime you have control of your schedule.
The Spiritual Seeker Whether you come from a missionary background or not, chances are you have a number of values that you live by. Your passion can be religious or political or have to do with an all-consuming hobby or organization. Seeking a soul mate online is a whole lot easier than marching up and down the aisles of a grocery store carrying a picket sign. No matter how esoteric your set of beliefs, chances are you’ll find someone online who shares them. DR. DATE SEZ… Let me be among the first to welcome you to the soon-to-be venerable community of online daters. Please don’t hesitate to jump right in, because the water’s fine. I hope you’ll be inspired by the stories you read in subsequent chapters; take out some trial subscriptions at some dating sites as described in Chapter 6, create your profile as described in Chapter 7, and start meeting some people. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how easy it is to have some positive interactions. Remember that if you treat others with respect, others are likely to do the same to you. Even if it takes a while to meet your goals, you’ll have a lot of fun on the way. In some ways, online dating is like the frosting on the cake. If you already like your life and feel pretty good about yourself, sharing your background and viewpoints with others can only enhance and enrich your day-to-day experiences. Like love itself, online dating is really a statement of hope. I wish you much happiness and every future success.
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The Absolute Minimum ■ Online dating has changed thousands of lives, and it can change yours, too. ■ Being computer savvy is no longer a prerequisite for online dating. ■ Factors that make traditional dating difficult aren’t obstacles to online romance. ■ Online dating services enable you to browse for dates and communicate with them online. ■ Create a profile of your ideal match, and be on the lookout for the types of online daters who might be looking for you. ■ Online dating gives you the opportunity to focus your search and be selective about your prospects. ■ With online dating, all you need to add is love!
In this chapter
• Computer must-haves for online dating • Getting hooked up with the right hardware • Making connections with a variety of software
• Chatting up a storm • Connecting instantly with IM • Reaching out and “texting” someone • Spiffing up your image with a photo editor
What Do You Need to Do Online Dating? There’s an old song that goes like this, “It ain’t what you got, it’s the way that you use it.” You’ll be happy to know that the same thing goes for online dating: It ain’t the computer equipment you got, it’s…. Well, you get the idea. The way you present yourself is more important than having the latest and greatest computer and the fastest connection to the Internet. If your primary goal is to meet someone by viewing webpage profiles and exchanging email messages, a friendly and attractive “turtle” will win the race over a boorish and rude rabbit lugging an iPod, a palm device, a web-enabled cell phone, or a laptop. On the other hand, in order to maximize your chances of meeting Mr. or Ms. Right, you need to appear in all the right places. These days, there are plenty of dating sites on the Internet—but they aren’t created equal. Some of the most popular ones, like Nerve (http://personals. nerve.com) and Yahoo! Personals (http://personals.yahoo.com) give subscribers the ability to connect by video and audio. To view video clips, though, you do need some special equipment. Whatever your
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goal, the better your computer setup, the better your online experience, and the better your mood will be when you approach that prospective mate. You do need some hardware and software to ensure a well rounded dating experience, and this chapter will explain what to check off your shopping list.
The Absolute Least You Really Need Let’s cut to the chase—before you start your online chase. You don’t want to know every last detail about bits and bytes, or modems or websites. You just want to get in the game. Here’s the very least you need to have to jump into the online dating pool:
Checklist | A way to get on the Internet. Even if you don’t have a computer to call your own, you’re probably not too far from a place to get online. Good choices include your public library, a cyber-café, a friend’s house, and a photocopying center. | An email account. Again, don’t fret if your home office consists of a torn pad of paper and a chewed-up pencil. You can sign up for an email account through a free service like Hotmail. If you have a cell phone, check to see if your account will let you send and receive email. Some will set you up for about a $10 fee (or even less) added to your regular cell phone bill. | A digital photo of yourself. You have two choices here: You can take your own photo with a digital camera (see the section “A Digital Camera” later in this chapter), or you can scan a conventional print at a pharmacy or quickphoto shop. The preceding “short list” is probably the rock bottom, cheapest possible way to get online. You’ll have much better privacy and control when you can go online by using the following slightly expanded checklist: ■ A computing device that you can connect to the Net, such as a laptop, desktop computer, or handheld device. ■ An account with an Internet service provider (ISP), which is a company that will get you online and give you email service. ■ A connection to the Internet, such as a dial-up modem or faster cable modem connection. ■ Email software.
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■ A web browser. ■ Instant messaging (IM) software. That’s really all you need. Before you go out and start spending, keep in mind that many dating sites provide some of the items on the list. All dating services let you create a web-based profile and direct messages from prospective matches to your email address. Many other services have their own chat interface or their own instant messaging system, which means you don’t have to install special software if you use these sites; the chat and instant messaging works through your web browser. A few services, like Match.com and America Online’s Love.com, even give subscribers the ability to send text messages to prospective dates by using their cell phones.
caution If you get your emails or visit online dating sites in a public place like a library or cafe, choose passwords that only you are likely to remember. They should have at least six or seven characters and mix both numerals and letters. For extra security, change your email password every time you visit a cafe. You never know who’s looking over your shoulder.
In other words, depending on the dating service you choose, you might not have to purchase anything new. First, decide what service is the best for you (using the criteria presented in Chapter 4) and determine what communications options that service provides.
Computer and Other Hardware You Need When you go out on a date, you always need some essential gear—credit cards, cash, keys, and comb, perhaps even a toothbrush. When you go online to look for a date, you will need some essentials: first and foremost, your computer. If you only plan to date via the web and email, just about any machine that connects to the Internet will do. If you want to try a real-time, instant connection method like instant messaging or an Internet phone call, you might need to install special software as well.
If your home computer is slow, that computer you sit in front of all day at work might be really tempting. But keep in mind that you can be fired for setting up dates on office time and employers can keep an eye on where you go online, even after working hours.
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Chances are your existing computer and Internet connection is fast enough to let you use most dating sites. Since your web browser is going to be your primary interface, the minimal requirements are those for the current version of the most popular web browser, which is Microsoft Internet Explorer with Service Pack 1 installed: A 486MHz or faster processor, 32MB of RAM, and 12MB of hard disk space. If you want to listen to audio or attend virtual events, you will need more of each of these. These are minimal amounts; practically any other computer you purchase new will be far faster and have more storage capacity. Consider these suggestions a bare minimum.
An Internet Connection Internet dating would be no good without the ability to view lots of photos. You might also want to chat with someone or even talk via Internet phone. You can get by with a 56Kbps modem connection to the Internet, but you’ll be far happier with a DSL or cable modem connection, which range anywhere from 200Kbps to 3Mbps in bandwidth. Consider EarthLink High Speed DSL Internet for $34.95 a month for the first 12 months ($49.95 per month thereafter). Find out more at www.earthlink.com. DR. DATE SEZ… If you have a slow connection, sign up for a dating service that uses small thumbnail-size photos and simple graphics rather than Java applets and animations, which can take a long time to appear on screen.
A Digital Camera A photograph, as they say, is worth a thousand words. At some point, along with typing your thousand-or-so words to a prospective date, you’ll need to post a photo of yourself on a dating site so people can get an idea of what you look like. Needless to say, you should not pose when you are having a bad hair day, and you also should put a little thought into your wardrobe selection. The quality of your photo, however, also makes a difference. It pays to take some time creating a good photo of yourself, and this is a subject explored in more detail in Chapter 9. If you’re looking for a digital camera or other computer hardware, you have lots of options. Electronics stores like Best Buy (www.bestbuy.com) have websites, as do warehouse stores like Costco (www.costco.com). If you want to increase your chances of getting the best price around, you also might consider these two options: ■ Froogle (http://froogle.google.com). Froogle is a consumer shopping service of the popular web search engine Google. It compares current prices offered by many online sellers and ranks them by the lowest price, or other criteria you specify.
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■ eBay (www.ebay.com). The online auction giant that features individuals and businesses that sell a wide variety of consumer goods. You’ll find electronics offered in two different formats: fixedprice sales and auctions. If you are in a hurry and don’t want to compete with other bidders, look for a fixed “Buy It Now” price either on the main eBay auction area or in eBay Stores (http://stores.ebay.com).
Multimedia Equipment
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tip If you want to find out more about digital photography, check out Absolute Beginner’s Guide to Digital Photography by Joseph Ciaglia, Barbara London, John Upton, and Peter Kuhns, published by Que, a division of Pearson Technical Reference.
Everyone realizes that they will need to share one or more photos when they embark on the adventure of cyber-dating. You also might want to invest in some basic computer audio equipment as well, so those you meet online can hear your golden-toned voice, too. I’m not talking about calling someone up on the telephone. I’m talking about conversing with others through your computer. Some dating sites give you the ability to talk online: You say something into your computer’s microphone, and then you listen to the response through your computer speakers. The digital information is converted to audio by means of a sound card. Adding sound to your dating profile opens up new possibilities. It’s another layer of communication that can keep attention from wandering to a rival. In order to listen to sound files or to create your own sound snippets, your computer needs to have the following: ■ A sound card. A computer card is a “think-piece” of plastic that plugs into a special port inside your computer. Most new computers come with a sound card installed. If your computer did not, you can buy one (for example, the popular Sound Blaster cards by Creative Labs, Inc., which range from $139 to $249, and are described at http://us.creative.com/products/category.asp?category=1). ■ A microphone. If your computer has one built in, you’re in luck. If not, you’ll have to buy one, but they aren’t too expensive (anywhere from $2.79 to $15). ■ Speakers. Your computer may have a speaker installed, but some computer speakers are feeble. If you have stereo speakers built-in to your monitor, the quality is probably very good. If you need to buy external speakers, you can probably find them from $15 to $30.
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Nerve.com gives interested participants the opportunity to meet others through an Instant Gratifier Live Video Chat. Other members who are online and have video cameras called webcams attached to their computers can see one another live. A webcam is a camera especially designed to connect to a computer; images captured by the camera can be posted on the Web so others can see them. A site called Dating Webcams (www.datingwebcams.com) goes a step beyond this and offers a new level of interactivity. Participants in its live video chat rooms who have a special camera called CamPilot (see Figure 2.1) can let visitors remotely control their webcams, panning up and down, swiveling left and right, and so on. FIGURE 2.1 Some dating sites specialize in webcams and give participants the chance to interact with one another’s cameras.
A Cell Phone For some people, cell phones are a way of life. Why not integrate your singles search with that part of your day-to-day activities by choosing a cell phone that is capable of sending and receiving text messages and email messages. You may need to upgrade your account so you can do messaging and email from your cell phone. For my account with AT&T Wireless, I spend an extra $7.99 per month for text messaging and email capabilities, for instance.
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Computer Software to Help You Get in Touch Hardware options are only one part of the equation when it comes to interacting online. The other side of the equation is software: Applications that let you view, read, type messages, send photos, and otherwise present yourself in an attractive way. Here, too, the amount of software depends on what you want to accomplish. You can probably get along with a web browser and some add-ons, but if you want to get more involved, add some graphics using graphic-editing applications such as Photoshop Elements and other programs, too.
A Web Browser
For online dating, a printer is useful but only optional; rather than printing your own profiles and those of the other people you contact, you might prefer to keep your emails and web pages private, away from prying eyes.
Your web browser is your primary tool for interacting with people you meet on online dating sites. Since browsers are free to download and install, it makes sense to have the latest (or the almost-latest) version installed. A recent or current version will be able to process animations and presentations that use languages like Java and JavaScript to provide sound and motion effects on web pages. Some of the “Guided Tour” features provided by dating sites like Match.com (www.match.com) use such technologies (see Figure 2.2). FIGURE 2.2 Make sure your browser can process animations so you can follow a dating site’s guided tour.
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Browser Add-Ons To display movies and animations, you may need to install a browser add-on (a program that works within the browser interface). Two of the most popular are ■ Apple QuickTime. This player from Apple gives your browser the capability to play video clips that are saved in the QuickTime format. You can download it at www.apple.com/quicktime/download/. ■ Macromedia Flash Player. This popular utility enables a browser to display animated presentations created with Macromedia Flash. You can download it for free at www.macromedia.com/shockwave/download/download.cgi. These applications are sometimes called browser plug-ins, and work within a browser to give it the ability to process video, multimedia, and other content the browser can’t handle on its own. Browser plug-ins are free to download and install, and you can use them on many more websites than just dating venues. GO ON A VIRTUAL DATE With a well-equipped web browser, you can do far more than simply view web page profiles. You and a digital “date” can surf the Web together and go on virtual dates. If you and someone you meet live in far-flung locations, you might consider getting to know someone by surfing the Web together. Using your web browser, set up a date to visit websites in Paris, New York City, or other romantic locations. For example, you can show each other sites devoted to the items you might collect or for which you have an interest. With instant messaging software, you can share messages while your browsers look over a webcam of the beach at Waikiki, as shown below in Figure 2.3. FIGURE 2.3
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You can try out many creative ideas with this type of digital date. Plan ahead by making a list of the websites you want to visit with your date, and ask him or her to do the same. Make it a “theme” web date by selecting sites that are funny, entertaining, or just plain weird, as well as romantic.
Chat Software Chatting is one of the most immediate ways to interact with someone online. And it’s one of the most popular communication options, whether you are looking for a date or not. When you chat, you communicate with other computer users who are connected to the same web page or chat site. You type messages to one another in real time. Chat rooms come in several varieties: ■ Public chat rooms. This is the most common type of chat room, and the one you probably think of when you think of teenagers getting together and typing messages to one another in one long conversation. In a dating environment, such a venue can be chaotic. Treat it like you are looking for friends at a party. Make sure you find a chat room that attracts people with similar interests, and who are at least somewhere in the ballpark of your own age. ■ Private chat rooms. Once you catch the interest of someone in a public chat room, you can invite them to a private chat room: A virtual space where only you and one or more designated individuals can converse. ■ Voice chat rooms. Rather than giving out your phone number and paying a high phone charge, some services let you converse over the Internet, using your computer’s microphone and speakers. Conversations can be choppy and plagued by delays, however, unless you both have high-speed connections.
Instant Messaging Email and the Web are convenient, but they are not necessarily immediate. They don’t convey the thrill of discovery that you get from meeting someone in person and having feelings blossom spontaneously from your interaction. The traditional online dating system—you publish a profile and some photos and wait for someone to contact you by email—can take minutes or even hours. That’s a whole lot quicker than sending a letter to a post office box in response to a personals ad, but, given that web users crave instant gratification, it can seem like light years.
tip If you want to try real-time voice conversations over the Internet, look into Yahoo! Chat (http://chat.yahoo.com), which has a Voice chat room. Also look into Net2Phone (www.net2phone.com) and Nikotel (www.nikotel.com).
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If you like to be first off the starting block, make sure you have some sort of instant messaging software installed on your computer. Since people are online with instant messaging software several hours a day, simply signing up with a service is a beacon that can draw people to your flame. Receiving an instant message from someone you’re interested in can be a huge thrill. If you are into spontaneity, instant messaging is the way to go. With instant messaging, you don’t have to worry about putting your foot in your mouth in person. Just type whatever strikes your fancy and see what happens.
tip Lots of dating sites include instant messaging among their services. But they typically require that you connect to their own site’s instant messaging server. America Online’s dating service, Love.com, has a big advantage: It draws upon the 50 million or so individuals who already use instant messaging on AOL.
Text/SMS Messaging Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson courted one another by exchanging text messages in the movie Something’s Gotta Give. If these over-50 characters can use their cell phones to hook up, you can, too. I wouldn’t recommend buying a cell phone with text messaging capability just for the purpose of chatting up prospective dates. However, if you already have a cell phone and you can send text messages, learn more about how to use this function. It’ll give you a new way to keep in touch with people you meet online. There’s a dating site in the UK called TextandMeet.co.uk (www.textandmeet.co.uk, shown in Figure 2.4) that’s entirely devoted to text messaging. You simply send a quick message to the service, and you receive three matches based on your profile. It’s free to register, but it costs between 50 p (that’s 50 pence) and one-and-a-half British pounds (that’s currently $2.77 in U.S. dollars) to send each message.
A Photo Editor Some of the online dating services mentioned in Chapter 7 rely on extensive questionnaires to match people based on their psychological makeup. Photos don’t play an essential role, at least initially. For the vast majority of dating sites, however, photos are still one of the most important parts of any site that uses traditional profiles that present one’s age, interests, and background. Even if you don’t think your photo is your best selling point, you should try to make the best of what you’ve got. Once you have a photo saved digitally, you should take the time to change the contrast and crop it to your best advantage. Some of the software especially designed for editing computer images can help.
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FIGURE 2.4 Meet a “character” with just a few characters through text messaging.
Paint Shop Pro When it comes to creating banner ads or graphics from scratch, you need a program that provides both drawing tools and the ability to edit and format your graphics for the Web. If you’re on a budget and looking for a program that you can try out for free, and then purchase for a modest shareware fee, consider Paint Shop Pro by Jasc Software (http://www.jasc.com). You can download the program and try it out free for 30 days; if you decide to purchase it, you’re out only $99.
Adobe Photoshop Elements If you’re really serious about creating and working with web graphics, go with a program that has many of the features of Adobe Photoshop, which is widely used by professional designers both for print and web publication. Adobe Photoshop Elements by Adobe Systems Incorporated (www.adobe.com/products/ photoshop/main.html) is easy to use, relatively inexpensive, and has powerful tools for quickly correcting color, “red eye,” and many other technical glitches that can detract from the subject of a photo (in this case, you). Features like Color Variations (shown in Figure 2.5) present small,
tip Adobe Photoshop Elements is a great software tool for processing any digital image. It’s easy to use and full of powerful features. To find out more, refer to the Absolute Beginner’s Guide to Adobe Photoshop Elements 2 by Lisa Lee, published by Que or the Complete Idiot’s Guide to Adobe Photoshop Elements 2, by Joli Ballew and yours truly, published by Alpha Books.
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thumbnail versions of an image with slightly different color casts so you can choose the one that reflects your actual complexion. At $99, it’s far less expensive than the professional version of Photoshop. FIGURE 2.5 A good photo editor like Adobe Photoshop Elements can help you present yourself with the right skin tone, among other features.
The Absolute Minimum ■ Computer equipment isn’t the most important requirement for online dating, but the better your equipment, the better your experience, and the more options you have for meeting other people. ■ An email account, a digital photo of yourself, and any computer that has access to the Internet will enable you to visit dating sites. But be extra-careful with security when you use computers that are “borrowed” or are in public locations. ■ A digital camera and photo editing software can help you present yourself in your best light. ■ Audio and video equipment can help you communicate with other dating site members in real time. ■ Make sure your browser has multimedia add-ons such as Macromedia’s Flash Player so you can view a dating site’s presentations. ■ Chat and instant messaging are available at virtually all dating sites and are quickly becoming a standard way of meeting and greeting.
In this chapter
• Turning to websites, discussion areas, and mailing lists for dating advice
• Receiving editing help and advice from experienced dating counselors
• Approaching professional counselors for advice on starting or ending relationships
• Getting help with writing positive, engaging profiles
• Enlisting the help of real-world matchmakers
Don’t Do It Yourself: Online Dating Services Everyone needs a jump-start once in a while. You can’t always repair your own car; and for some reason, the web pages you create from scratch seldom look as attractive as those made by professionals. The same is true of online dating. In many respects, it’s far easier to jump into the dating pool in cyberspace than it is in “real” space. For many, though, joining a dating site, committing to a subscription, and creating a personal profile are all daunting prospects. They needn’t be—you can find plenty of matchmakers and consultants who will help you come up with a good first impression or kick your existing dating activities up a notch.
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If you need help and support in setting up dates, there are many sources online to which you can turn. Because you’re looking for that special someone online, it only makes sense to look for a “romance coach” online, too: a consultant who can increase your chances of success even further. In the same way that the Internet can help you meet the love of your life, it can also help you find friends or advisers who can help you through the online dating experience.
Turning Online for Dating Advice This book will get you started with choosing a dating service, preparing a compelling online profile, and meeting people either online or in person. I don’t pretend to be the only resource on the subject, and I would be short-changing you if I didn’t point you to some of the many websites, discussion groups, and other resources that you can turn to when you need personal support.
Web Resources The Web abounds with ads and websites that proclaim they can solve all of your dating problems and consolidate your debts too. The problem, in fact, is not finding websites that claim they’ll improve your love life, but in being selective about ones that can really deliver and ignoring those that are all about talking the talk and then taking your money. Don’t take any of these grandiose claims at face value. Read for yourself and determine which resources can be of use to you. It’s not a onesize-fits-all kind of a deal. Shop around until you find what feels right to you. It’s also okay to switch horses in the middle of the stream. Like working with a real estate agent who keeps showing you dumps, find another one who will pay more attention to what will be a dream come true for you.
tip
If you’re in high school or college, you’ll find an excellent set of articles at the Teen Advice Online’s Dating page (www.teenadviceonline.org/dating). Counselors who contribute articles and answer questions submitted by visitors run the site.
Discussion Groups People traditionally discuss their love interests in the locker room, aerobics class, or any number of venues. Now, you can kiss and tell without leaving the privacy of your own home. The nice thing about discussion groups is the freedom that comes with anonymity: Discussion groups let you discuss people and situations without
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actually naming names. “Does anyone else think that dating site stinks?” or “Why are all the guys I meet such jerks?” are common types of inquiries. AskMen.com has a great set of message boards (www.askmen.com/message_boards/index.html) with thousands of participants. The Love & Relationships section occasionally has threads centering on dating services or dating online. At this writing, there was a long set of posts complaining about Match.com and the difficulty with finding people there. The Dating & Relationships Discussion Forum on the Network54 website (www. network54.com/Forum/84890) is excellent, and it’s oriented toward both men and women. You’ll find “worst date ever posts” along with posts congratulating online daters on their upcoming marriages—and everything in between. GetRomantic.com (shown in Figure 3.1) has separate forums for men, women, teens, and those interested in long-distance relationships (www.getromantic.com/forum). One of the most active discussion areas is the one focusing on sexuality. FIGURE 3.1 Dating websites run many discussion forums and cover a wide range of interpersonal topics.
Mailing Lists A mailing list is a group of individuals who communicate by email. All mailing lists are not created equal, however, and you should be careful about which ones you join. Some mailing lists are announcement lists—that is, communication isn’t interactive, it’s a one-way street from an organization to the people who have signed up to receive messages from it. Others are discussion lists: The individuals on the list can post messages to all the other members, who then have the opportunity to post replies and initiate lively and fruitful exchanges.
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You’ll find well-traveled discussion groups on Usenet as well as on dating-related websites. (See Chapter 24 for some suggestions of groups on Usenet.) Depending on the selection of newsgroups provided by your ISP, you can also find groups within America Online, and groups centered on metropolitan areas such Mailing lists can quickly as Las Vegas, Sacramento, or New York. take up a lot of space in your inbox. Make sure Before you subscribe to any mailing list, make you really want to be on sure you want what is being provided. Plenty of the list, and that it’s easy dating sites invite visitors to join their mailing to get off the list if you don’t want lists to “discover the secrets of hot dating success to participate any more. and find love online,” or something similar. These are announcement lists. Essentially, you are signing up to receive unsolicited email from the site. I strongly recommend you make sure that any mailing list you join is a true discussion medium where members can help one another.
caution
How Cyber-Dating Counselors Can Help You When you were in high school, you probably met with a guidance counselor at some point. Those personality tests you took may have seemed cheesy at the time, but they gave you a direction when picking colleges or applying for your first job. A matchmaker or dating coach does the same thing: She or he gives you guidance and advice on interpersonal relations, helps you prepare your online profile, and evaluates the profiles of your potential dating prospects as well. Finding dating counselors in the phone book or by word of mouth can take some work. While your Aunt Ella or Uncle Joe may give advice freely, and are only too eager to get involved, they may not know much about the Internet or what makes a good email “first approach.” Plenty of individuals who have had success with online dating are willing to share “insider” tips that can save you time. (And, even though you may have to pay an online matchmaker just as you would any other consultant, these tips can save you the money you’d otherwise pay to a dating site.) Beyond experience with cyberspace, an online consultant can help you make up for a lack of confidence, either because you’ve never been in the dating pool or have been out of it for a while. In any case, one of the online matchmaking services can help.
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It’s all about how you want to define yourself. Consider the process of applying for a job or applying for college: You need to convince someone what makes you uniquely you. Most people aren’t their own best boosters. In fact, they’re often more critical of themselves than their family or friends. If you’re coming out of dating retirement and aren’t at ease with the Internet, a coach can ease your transition from computer-phobe to cyber-dater.
Editing Help Even the best writers have editors who help them sound even better than they do already. (Just ask my own editors.) When you’re writing a description, even before you decide where to post it, it often can be beneficial to find someone to help you prepare it. An outsider can help you avoid some of the pitfalls that prevent your listing from attracting attention. However, it can be hard to find the magic words that will put you in your best possible light, so you will look good to other people. For instance, Table 3.1 presents some run-of-the-mill, ho-hum descriptions that an editor or dating coach (in this case, me) can easily punch up.
Table 3.1 Original and Edited Personal Descriptions Original Version
Edited Version
Comments
I like to eat out at fancy restaurants and take long walks on the beach. The Beatles are my favorite music group. I’m not too concerned about my appearance. But I haven’t broken any mirrors yet. I’d rather watch TV than go to a theater.
I have discriminating taste, both in people and in food. I appreciate the best in all fields, which is why The Beatles and other classic rock groups are my favorites. Appearance is less important than inner substance to me. I’m a stay-at-home gal who would rather snuggle on the couch and watch TV that hit the theater and nightclubs.
Original description was full of cliches and said nothing unique about the person being profiled.
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Table 3.1 (continued) Original Version
Edited Version
Comments
I’m outgoing, fun, kind, loyal, easy-going and always up for a good time. I like fine dinning, movies, clubs to nice quiet nights at home w/a good movie/good company. I listen to all types of music (except rap and symphony). Above all I am open to new experiences—as long as my partner doesn’t give me a hard time about them. I am attracted to women who are smart (but don’t show off), are athletic (but don’t get carried away about it) and most of all, have a dry, sarcastic sense of humor and who can appreciate mine.
I’m a guy who loves the nightlife and surrounds himself with people. My idea of a fun evening is to go to a good movie or restaurant with a group of close friends. I love trying new experiences. My ideal partner is an intelligent person who has a good sense of humor and who can appreciate my dry wit.
Long lists of qualities can be confusing; present one thing at a time. Watch for typos, and don’t keep qualifying assertions with “except” or “as long as” statements that confuse people and make you look too fussy.
I can’t believe I’m doing this! Not one to talk about myself much. Well, I am a devoted person that likes the simple things. I like to do things around the house but will jump to most challenges. I love to spend time with my family as we are very close. I also like to take my dog for long walks and let him play around. I like to spend time with my son when he’s home from school. Well, that’s over!
Beneath my shy, quiet surface lies a fiercely devoted heart. Family comes first with me. I love to create a beautiful and peaceful home and be with my son when he comes home from school. When he’s not, I go for long walks with my dog and we play together. If you are a dog lover and love children and are looking for someone who will be a loving and caring companion, let’s talk.
Be inviting, not off-putting. Don’t apologize for what you’re doing, and don’t waste space with “I can’t believe I’m doing this” comments.
None of the original descriptions is really that bad to begin with, but when your profile appears in a list of other profiles, and the profiles go on for page after page, you’ve got to find a way to stand out from the crowd and gain the viewer’s attention. Some of the services mentioned later in this chapter will edit your descriptions
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for a fee. However, since you’re already paying money to subscribe to a dating service, it’s understandable that you may not want to put out any more money for editing help. One of the best sources of help with preparing profiles is close to home. I’ve heard of many people who have written descriptions for their friends that attracted longtime partners. Look for a friend or family member who can help you by being honest, by getting you organized, and by adding essentials and deleting nonessentials. It’s often difficult to do this for yourself.
Free Advice If you are looking for opinions about when to respond to someone, when to meet someone in person, or how much to reveal about yourself at a given time, cyberspace is the place. Everybody has something to say, and the Internet gives them a place to voice their opinions and concerns. If you’re looking for dating advice, you can find it at any number of websites, chat rooms, discussion boards, or other forums.
tip Also consider presenting your description to members of a discussion group and asking them for suggestions on how it can be improved. If your current description isn’t getting results, you’ll get some suggestions on how to improve it. Be prepared for some harsh comments. Discussion group participants tend to be brutally honest—but that’s what you’re looking for: an honest, outside perspective.
Advice from people who have done what you’re hoping to do can be especially important on the Internet because when you’re online you don’t really know with whom you are dealing. You don’t get the visual and other clues that would the normally help you make judgments in the real world. A cyber-friend can hold your hand and teach you some things about dealing with people on the Internet that you just wouldn’t learn otherwise. For instance, don’t be in a hurry to meet people in person. Communicating online is in many ways more intimate than on the phone or even a casual conversation in a restaurant. You don’t necessarily have to turn to a site for support that specifically deals with online dating. Here are a few examples of websites that are primarily concerned with sharing news and views and creating online communities of people with similar interests: ■ Suite101.com (www.suite101.com). This site contains thousands of essays written by individuals. The topic Single Parent includes dating discussions. ■ MenWeb (www.menweb.org) has a section of articles on relationships, although only a few cover dating. However, there is a link to a message
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board (news://news.annexcafe.com/annexcafe.men.mensbbs) where you can discuss issues freely with other men. ■ Tribe.net (www.tribe.net). A “tribe” is this site’s term for an online community of like-minded individuals. Do a search for the term “Dating” and you’ll find a long list of discussion groups with titles like “Online Dating Sucks,” “Interracial Dating,” “Online Dating Sites 411,” and more. Free advice is often worth just what you pay for it. However, free discussion areas provide a diversity of opinions that you can’t get from a single adviser. If you look long enough, you’ll find someone who’s tried the same thing you have and can give you that valuable piece of information you have been seeking.
Not-So-Free Advice Sometimes, it’s worth investing time and effort— as well as money—in yourself. Professional psychotherapists and other counselors can be found online to help you through the process of meeting people or starting relationships gracefully, not to mention ending relationships gracefully. Relationship-Talk.com, for instance, specializes in telephone counseling on dating and interpersonal matters. Phone conversations with the site’s counselors cost $40 to $45 for a 25-minute session and $80 to $85 for a 50-minute session. You can also get email advice: You select a counselor on the service’s website (www.relationship-talk.com) and send that person a private question. You’ll get back a private answer (one that other visitors to the site never see) for $26.95.
Personal Consultation A number of years ago, after my divorce, I engaged the services of a matchmaker—someone who matches people up with similar interests and sends them on dates. I went to the person’s office, had an
tip The Tribe.net site also has a section full of “tribes” under the category Romance & Relationships. Groups like Meet Your Match and Normal Single & Jewish are there to bring singles together rather than kvetch and gossip about online dating in general.
If you don’t want to pay for email counseling, you can participate in Relationship-Talk.com’s free relationship forums. It looks like there is a lot of activity in the forums, but if you look at the dates of the postings, you find that many are three or more years old.
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interview in which I discussed my background and my own interests. After a while, I was presented with a set of photos of people the matchmaker thought I’d like to meet. I did go out on a few dates, and consider the matchmaking a worthwhile experience, though no long-term relationships came of it. You might also see these services described as introduction agencies; in both cases, staff have personal contact with clients, either on the phone or in person. They personally interview each dating person to find out something about their personalities and what they are looking for in online dating. Such services cost a good deal more than most online dating services. However, because human beings have taken the time to get to know you and your tastes and personality traits, they personally match up people, and they meet with better success. The advantage of visiting a real-life matchmaker, as opposed to someone in cyberspace, is that the matchmaker has personal contact with each of the people in her “database” of clients and can match you according to her (hopefully) unbiased observations. When you are doing the evaluating and choosing, you’re not always unbiased. You might choose to approach someone based solely on looks or solely on religious or ethnic background. In the process, you might end up with an inappropriate match that goes nowhere, or overlook people who would be just right for you. In an article published on About.com’s Dating site (http://dating.about.com/cs/advicetips/a/aa022603.htm), a woman who worked as a professional matchmaker pointed out another advantage of hiring someone to do the matching: The matchmaker can encourage people to compromise, to not overlook people because of a single problem, to not write people off because of a small disagreement. She helped them (or at least tried to help them) overcome the habits they had developed over many years, habits that ensured they remain single, such as the following examples: ■ Setting too many requirements and limitations. ■ Looking for a guarantee of a successful relationship, before even embarking on one. ■ Having an unrealistic self-image, and looking for people who matched that image. For example, they might look for someone much younger than they were, someone far more sophisticated, less overweight, and so on. A matchmaker can see you for the person you are and point you to people who really are like you, not like the person you wish you were. You can find matchmakers in your area in the phone book, but a growing number list themselves online, too. Be aware, though, that many of the websites that actually have “matchmaker” as part of their URL (for example, www.matchmaker.com) are actually traditional dating sites where you do the hunting rather than hire
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someone to do the matching. If you don’t want to go it alone, look for individuals who will get personally involved with you and facilitate the dating process. For example, Kathryn B. Lord (www.KathrynBLord.com) calls herself a “cyberromance coach.” She counsels people on how to find mates online. She holds online classes. She will read profiles of people you are interested in and give you her sage opinion on the match. Valenti International (www.valenti.org) boasts that its average client makes more than $100,000 a year and has a “7-figure average net worth.” If you fit into this category, you’ll get plenty of personal attention after you fill out an initial questionnaire. You then meet with a staff psychologist to develop a psychological profile. Owner Irene Valenti and her staff then arrange to introduce potential matches to one another. There is not a word on the website about how much the process costs— perhaps on the theory that, if you have to ask, the service is not for you.
Essay Writing I write and edit for a living, so I’m probably more conscious of misspellings, grammatical errors, and awkward construction in dating profiles than most people. Frankly, many people who are looking through dating site listings look at the photos and the quick facts about a person and probably don’t pay lots of attention to the writing. However, many others do make snap judgments based on your grammar and do pay attention to signs of carelessness. Take a few minutes to proofread your profile before it goes online. Or better yet, have a friend or colleague help by reading it over for you. There are many, many freelance writers and editors who would be only too eager to help you create a profile or write a descriptive essay about yourself. You might find someone at eLance (www.elance.com), a website that functions as a marketplace for freelance services. Writers, like Evan Mark Katz, also provide editorial and advisory services for people who are getting started. Katz runs an online service called E-Cyrano.com (www.ecyrano.com) that offers a range of assistance: ■ A free 10-minute consultation, including an analysis of the first two lines of your description. ■ For $49, a full “makeover” of your existing profile if you have one, and a line-by-line edit. ■ For $149, a “Platinum” package that adds a 40-minute toll-free phone consultation, two essays, and a personal questionnaire.
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CHOOSING THE RIGHT MATCHMAKER When you call a matchmaker or dating coach or go to their office, you get plenty of input, which can help you decide if they are worth your time and money. On the Internet, it’s really difficult to tell whose really going to help you and who’s primarily interested in lining their own wallet. I urge you to look past the individual’s website and how it appears—though there are some obvious red flags that would cause me to be more skeptical: ■ Misspellings or obvious grammatical errors that make you ask: Can’t the website owner hire a proofreader or editor? ■ Sites that immediately want you to register or start paying in order to read anything. ■ Sites that are peppered with photos of hot-looking, twenty-something models who have probably never visited a dating site. ■ Sites that charge you by the minute for phone consultations rather than offering a flat fee for a set period of time. Ultimately, though, you can’t judge a book by its cover when you are evaluating members of the opposite sex as dating prospects or when you are looking for relationship help. Virtually all dating and matchmaking sites contain glowing compliments from satisfied customers. All include beautifully composed photos depicting the professionals who are willing to help you. Any site can find individuals to give it quotes that tout the site as the best agency ever, and everyone can hire a good photographer. It’s far better to find things out for yourself by doing your own investigation. Get references from the site—people you can email or phone—and ask them personally about their experience. Go to some of the discussion areas mentioned earlier in this chapter and ask for opinions on the person or the company in question. Try to talk to staff people on the phone so you can gauge how helpful they are and whether they are hurried, abrupt, or are really willing and able to devote personal attention to you.
Getting Your Friends to Help: Friendster “Classic” dating sites force you to put yourself out there all by your lonesome. You might appear in your photo with your child or friends, but usually, it’s just you looking at the camera. People introduce themselves to you directly after viewing your profile, then you can converse one-on-one. An intriguing variation on this theme uses networks of friends to help facilitate personal connections. It’s called Friendster (www.friendster.com, shown in Figure 3.2), and it brings together networks of individuals who help foster new relationships.
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FIGURE 3.2 Friendster enables you to enlist friends to help with introductions.
Friendster isn’t a dating site as such, though it can be used for that purpose. You join; you invite your friends to join; they, in turn invite their friends. As each friend joins, he or she lists the people in his or her personal network of acquaintances. The magic comes when one person spots the profile of a person they don’t know; they can then use friends to handle the introductions. (For example: “I’m a friend of Jean’s. Can you introduce me to Renee? She’s a friend of your friend Tom.”)
At this writing, Friendster was relatively new and considered itself to be in a “beta” or testing period. During this period, it did not charge for any of its services. After the trial period, basic membership was still expected to be free, though some services would require a subscription fee.
You can also approach someone directly, but this time, you have an immediate subject to talk about—your friends. (In fact, you are only allowed to approach someone who is connected to you through the network of friends.) When you introduce yourself to someone, you can explain how you got to know them: You’re in person X’s network, and person X is a friend of someone in your network, for instance. Right away, you have a subject of mutual interest that can help break the ice—your friends. Friendster is a great place for networking of all kinds as well as dating, and a worthwhile option for anyone reluctant to “go it alone” with online dating.
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DR. DATE SEZ… You say you want some help getting started with online dating, but you’ve already laid out some money for this book, and you don’t want to hire anyone else to help you? Fine! Well, here’s my one-minute matchmaking pep talk that’ll hopefully get you started creating a good profile: 1. Pick a fun username that says something about you or your interests. 2. Take a minute or two and write down a list of all the things you like best about yourself. 3. Envision yourself talking to someone you really like and with who you are perfectly at ease. 4. Now write down a greeting for that person. Try to imagine that you are writing to one individual, not the whole world. Don’t overwhelm your ideal reader with details, like “I am a 45-year-old divorced father of two who lives in a house I rehabbed; or I am a 36-year-old organist and leader of my church choir and an award-winning gardener…” Instead, just say something fun that speaks to who you are as a person and why someone might want to be with you—not because you are a singer or gardener or rehabber or father, but because you love parties, you love sitting in front of the TV watching Marx Brothers movies, and so on. “Chef Who Really Cooks” was a good opening I saw recently. 5. Take care with your photos, following the suggestions presented in Chapter 9.
The Absolute Minimum ■ Just as you can find potential dates online, you can find advisers, coaches, and matchmakers to give you support. ■ A few individuals have established an identity as “cyber-romance coaches” and can help you prepare profiles and advise you on dating etiquette. ■ Discussion groups and mailing lists are free to join, and can give you invaluable, unbiased advice about creating a good profile or handling yourself on a date. ■ Consider contracting with a real-world matchmaker who can get to know you personally and help you overcome your own self-image and habits.
II
PART Working with a Dating Service .............
51
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65
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79
Choosing a Dating Service
Maximizing Your Dating Site Options Taking a Trial Run
In this chapter
• Focusing on the dating service that best fits your needs—and your pocketbook
• Evaluating approaches to online dating so
4
you can choose the right service
• Keeping your identity private when you sign up for a dating service
• Comparing profiles, messaging, specialty needs, and other reasons to choose one service over another
Choosing a Dating Service Choosing a dating site is like picking a restaurant or other location for a first date: The venue itself isn’t the most important thing, but it can play a critical role in the success or failure of the experience. It’s well worth your while to determine the qualities you want in a dating site rather than simply picking one at random. All too often, singles choose from a short list of sites. They hear about sites A, B, or C from the media or by word of mouth. They consider only those three sites, and they select the one that at first glance appears to have the highest number of likely candidates. Often, they switch sites when they grow unhappy with one or more features.
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Although all dating sites share certain characteristics in common, there are important differences. In this chapter, I encourage you to think about the general approaches and features that make dating sites suited to one type of personality rather than another. After you familiarize yourself with the concept in general, you’ll be more prepared to evaluate the features you want and need, rather than choosing between just one or two well-known sites. Chapter 5 includes an annotated list of what’s available to help you compare and contrast the features of specific services. However, in this chapter, you’ll learn to plan and evaluate what online dating sites have to offer, so you can make a well-informed decision the first time around.
Myths and Hard Truths The conventional wisdom about online dating used to be that it was only for people who were a) desperate, b) computer geeks, or c) shy about their physical appearance. Thankfully, online dating has hit the mainstream; it’s widely accepted as one of the best ways to meet people, no matter how comfortable you are with what’s in the mirror or with megabytes, SCSI ports, and wireless LAN adapters. No matter what your goals and your background, if you want to meet someone online, you need to sign up with a dating service. You’ll make the best choice if you go into it with realistic expectations. One of the myths about online dating is that it is some sort of cure-all for the dating challenged. However, newbies to online dating have many erroneous beliefs, more specifically: ■ Online dating is dangerous. It can be in some cases, but if you use common sense and apply some of the safeguards described in this book, you have no more chance of running into a “bad” person than you would traditional dating in the real world. ■ Chatting and emailing online helps people get to know one another on a deeper level than a blind date or other dating experience in the real world. To some extent this is true. If you’re looking for your soul mate, you may be able to become close friends quickly, without being sidetracked by an actual body revealing all those nonverbal quirks. But people who marry a fantasy are likely to have a short and unpleasant honeymoon. There are many real-life intangibles that can end a relationship that began online just as quickly as it started. There’s no magic way to gauge compatibility and that hard-to-define emotional quality called “chemistry.” ■ You learn the truth about people through online dating. True, you may get a better picture of how a person would like to be seen. None of us, though, are completely objective about our strengths and weaknesses. Only
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the person living with another human being knows for sure whether they really put the cap back on the toothpaste every morning, no matter what they claim. It may be an obvious follow-up to the last point, but it bears repeating: The fact that people can reveal so much about themselves in such a short period of time actually makes it easy for dating site participants to be dishonest. Photos placed online might be years old; the individual could have gained 30 pounds since it was taken. There also is no way to know whether someone has described himself or herself accurately in their profile. Survey questions may not have been answered with perfect accuracy. No matter what service you choose, you need to exercise patience and maintain a healthy skepticism. It’s also advantageous, from the standpoint of accuracy and getting to know how someone really looks and acts, to consider a site that allows participants to post multiple photos of themselves and that permits the addition of video clips or webcams that shoot movies of clients as they chat online. As you’ll discover, online dating services have their own personalities, and some of the differences are subtle; in other words, they’re just like the people you meet through those services. TIPS FROM THE TRENCHES… “I don’t understand how people who do online dating think they can get away with being dishonest,” a friend told me. “What’s the point of posting a photo that doesn’t look anything like you if you’re ultimately going to meet in person? Why would you try to be someone that you’re not if you know you can’t keep up the act for long? I know it is human nature to try to make yourself seem as attractive as possible by exaggerating the good points and downplaying the flaws. But I really try to convey my true self to others and wish they would do the same.” You have to realize that there are people out there who are very good at pretending. The real test is seeing in person how they behave around their co-workers, friends, family members, and neighbors. You need to meet face-to-face to know if you’re going to be really annoyed by personal habits or by how they treat kids or pets or people who are different than they are. If something doesn’t seem quite right, or they avoid things or people in your life, or something isn’t in keeping with the image they project online, be prepared to walk away.
Spending Money Is Optional, But… The amount of money you spend on a date matters, and so does the amount you are willing to commit to a dating site. In many cases, the general principle “you get
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what you pay for” applies. If you end up paying a monthly fee for a dating service, you have to add that to the cost of your Internet connection and other computer costs. On the other hand, if you sign up with one of the free sites, you are far less likely to actually meet someone who is compatible. The pros and cons of free versus subscription sites are described in the sections that follow.
Free Sites Aaron Anderer had success through online dating, but he never felt like he wanted to spend a lot of money for a dating service. “I met my wife through Yahoo! Personals mainly because it was free,” says Aaron. “I feel like a big enough dork going online to find a date, but to pay to feel like a dork was just something I couldn’t do.” Aaron had good results without spending money on a site. There’s a sensible argument to be made for picking a free site. After all, with the $20, $30, or $40 you pay to a dating service each month, you can buy a bag or two of groceries.
Yahoo! Personals are free if you want to search for singles and send “Icebreaker” messages to them. To contact someone by email or instant messaging, you need to subscribe.
Nevertheless, the relatively low cost of online dating compared with real-world dating is one of its greatest advantages. Consider that dinner at a three- or four-star restaurant and a movie can easily cost $100–$125. That amount is roughly equivalent to six months of time on an Internet dating site. Subscription sites are still a bargain, considering that they bring dozens or even hundreds of dating prospects to your attention in a matter of minutes. Not only that, but free sites aren’t always a bargain. They can hit you with extras that you might not like: ■ Advertisements. Free dating sites have to make money somehow. So they bombard you with ads that pop up in new browser windows or that appear as static banners on web pages. ■ Marketing. Some sites, and the advertisers on those sites, trace you through your IP address or email address and send you masses of unsolicited “spam” email, having to do with love, dating, and sex—especially sex. ■ Lack of selectivity. If anyone can join without committing any money, you are more likely to get people who aren’t serious about dating. You might get
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married people looking for an affair, or people with bad manners, criminal records, and the like. True, the same kinds of people can sign up for any dating site, but they’re more likely to try a free service. Beyond that, free dating sites lack the features of other sites, such as the ability to automatically match you with people who share the qualities you desire; the ability to tell you who has joined in the last day or two; the ability to include sound and video; and other features that require expensive computer programming to create and maintain. With free sites, you tend to get freeform dating sites in which the burden of creating a profile is all on your shoulders.
Subscription Services Within subscription services, there are different pricing schemes. Some sites, like Match.com, let you do unlimited personal messaging and email for a single monthly fee. Other sites, like Lavalife, have a pay-as-you-go system. They charge extra if you want to contact others by email or instant messaging. Table 4.1 shows some differences between the costs for some of the 10 most popular dating sites as listed on 100hot.com (go to www.100hot.com and click Dating under the heading Top Searches). Interestingly, many of the sites have very similar pricing structures.
Table 4.1
Online Dating Site Payment Systems
Site
URL
Registration
One Month
Six Months
One Year
Yahoo! Personals
http://personals. yahoo.com
Free
$19.95
$14.35/ month
$7.50/ month
Match.com
www.match.com
Free for three days
$24.95
$14.95/ month
$10.95/ month
True
www.true.com
Free
$29.99
$20/ month
$16.67/ month
AmericanSingles.com www. americansingles.com
Free
$24.95
$19.99/ month
$16.50/ month
Soulmatch.com
Free
$29.95
$20/ month
$10/ month
www.soulmatch.com
Just as a point of comparison, it pays to keep in mind that the dollars and cents involved in real-life dating are not unsubstantial. If you go the route of personal ads, there’s usually a charge for getting it in the paper in the first place, and then a minute-by-minute fee for picking up your messages. Dues for a singles club often include an initial start-up cost and a monthly fee, not to mention additional
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expenses for outings and special events. Nobody wants to be the one doing the counting, but a simple night on the town can really add up if you factor in a car wash, hair cut, new outfit, manicure, food, and entertainment. Because you’re laying eyes on your new prospect for the first time (if you’ve been only online dating), it’s not too likely that you’ll spare any expense to look your best. Another thing to consider with online dating is that you’re likely to have a hefty toll for travel and lodging if your date doesn’t happen to live in your immediBe very wary of sites that ate vicinity. get you to sign up for a specified period of time Specialty Sites and that automatically renew your subscription As I was writing this book, a news report on your credit card. Also be cauannounced the formation on a Canadian site tious of sites that make it difficult to that provided dating opportunities for Native find out subscription fees in the first Americans living in far-flung locations across place, and then force you to sign up Canada and North America. The site, First just so you can see how much it Nations Dating Network (www.firstnationsdatcosts to remain on the site. ing.com, shown in Figure 4.1) was intended to
caution
help preserve native culture by making it easier for those looking for mates to communicate and simply find one another, thus raising the chance that they might start a family. FIGURE 4.1 If you have special needs or concerns, you can save time by focusing your search by using a specialtydating site.
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If you consider yourself to be part of a special group based on needs or a shared set of values, or religious or ethnic background, one criterion that should go into your decision is whether a site specially geared to that group is for you. Selecting a site that caters only to people with a shared interest or shared background enables you to narrow and focus your search immediately, before your search even begins. Defining characteristics range from single parents (http://singleparentmeet.com) to those with a sexually transmitted disease (www.stdfriends.com).
Evaluating a Dating Service You can select a dating service using any number of criteria. You might sign up with the sites that are rated one or two in popularity, in the hope that you’ll maximize your chances of meeting someone. You might choose a service that lets you search for someone in your area, or that goes to great lengths to minimize your junk email, or that lets you create a profile that matches your communication style, as described in the sections that follow.
Location, Location, Location
tip You should always give yourself an out so that you can switch sites if you are not satisfied. If you are at all unsure about a site, don’t sign up for a year or two. If you don’t get a match right away or if you get a bunch of first dates that go nowhere, don’t assume there’s something wrong with you or that you are a hopeless case. Each site has a specific set of users, and you may not be clicking on the right ones at just the right time.
One of the big benefits of online dating is the ability to choose from a wide pool of potential mates around the corner or across the country. However, this also can be a potential pitfall: Do you really want to drive or fly to another location repeatedly to strike up a relationship with someone? When you limit your dating to the neighborhood bars, you can be reasonably sure that the people you meet live in your area. Not so with online dating sites. If you want to limit your dating to your own geographic area, you have two options:
■ Regional dating sites. SeattleSingles.com’s home page (www. seattlesingles.com) contains a lengthy list of similar sites around the United States that are run by the same company, Premier Singles. ■ Filters on other dating sites. Most sites let you search for people who live only in your area. But paradoxically, you’re more likely to find people who live near you sign up with a site that has lots of members from all over the country.
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If you are a single parent who needs to be home most of the time and finds it hard to get away, you’ll save time and travel costs by signing up with a local dating service. One big advantage of a service that focuses on a single area is the good possibility that they’ll hold parties or mixers where you can meet dating prospects in person.
Consider Who Is Doing the Matching Dating sites differ in the amount of control they give you over determining who constitutes a good match. Some sites let you do all the evaluating. You review profiles, email the subjects, and have access to a wide range of candidates. Sites like AmericanSingles.com let you browse through a wide range of men and women who have posted profiles, without even making you take out a subscription. At the other end of the spectrum are sites that keep their client database off-limits. They evaluate what constitutes a good match based on a survey you take. They compare your answers to those provided by other clients, and then provide you with a limited number matches that, in their determination, are appropriate for you. The theory is that they do the initial legwork for you and save you the time of having to go through lots of first dates. They find people who are likely to be good long-term partners for you. Choose this type of site if you are looking for communications that are safe and controlled.
Getting Background Information on the Web It can be important to do your own research into how a site works, who founded it, and what sort of approach you want to take. You wouldn’t know from casually visiting the eHarmony site and filling out the lengthy questionnaire that the site is targeted specifically towards Christians. Not only that, but the matches made are intended to fill the criteria of a good marriage that is put forth by the founder, Dr. Neil Clark Warren. You get opinions about dating sites from articles in the news media, on the Web, and on discussion boards. Suite 101 posts articles about dating occasionally; you’ll find one at www.suite101.com/article.cfm/single_parents/106475. The Dating & relationships Discussion Forum on Network54 (www.network54.com/Forum/85890) and the board on the Get Romantic site (http://getromantic.com/forum/index.php?board=11) are good places to start.
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Letting the Website Match You The theory behind dating sites goes like this: While traditional “offline” ways of meeting people may allow you to establish immediately whether there is chemistry between you, further down the line you often realize that you actually may not enjoy doing the same things. Some dating services point you to people whose profiles indicate that they are compatible with you. With Udate.com, the technology recommends appropriate partners based on 120 criteria that you select. This ensures that your interests and preferences are covered, leaving only the chemistry (hopefully) to when you finally meet. eHarmony recommends a match only if someone matches many of your criteria; otherwise, you don’t get any suggestions at all. Choose one of these sites if you haven’t had good luck on your own and want to see how well computers can match you.
Differences in Online Profiles Profiles are an essential part of online dating. Everyone has requirements for a future mate that are not negotiable, whether it’s not wanting pets or a strong desire to become a parent. Virtually all sites enable you to introduce yourself through some type of online profile and, in turn, review profiles of prospective matches—but there the similarity ends. The difference is in how the sites get participants to provide information about themselves.
The Structured, Detailed Approach Most dating websites are structured in the way they get customers to provide information about themselves. They require clients to fill out a multiple choice or follow a quick fill-in-the-blank survey. Such surveys can be very detailed, asking off-thewall questions like descriptions of tattoos. Others take the “what I did last summer” approach and post essays. Sites such as Udate.com organize responses around more than 100 criteria, claiming that you’ll get an accurate, all-encompassing view of a person from physical description to personality traits. The initial set of information, shown in Figure 4.2, is typical of many sites. Others go for the short and simple with posing a few basic questions, adding some favorite interests or turn-ons or turn-offs, and that’s that. If you aren’t very creative and like to be systematic and orderly, such sites are suited to your needs. At the very least, you’ll probably have to address the following: ■ Physical characteristics. You’ll certainly have to address something called “body type.” It’s tempting to be less than truthful here, but you need to be honest in case you meet someone in person. You don’t want surprises. Hair
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color, eye color, and height are other options. The more detailed a site, the better off you are because the better the matches are likely to be. ■ Where you live. Most sites let you choose a geographic area. They don’t ask if you live in a house or condo or a car down by the river, which would be a nice bit of additional detail. ■ Marital status. Responses can run the gamut, from single to married and everything in between: “in a relationship,” “unhappily married,” “married and swingers,” and “engaged” are all typical options. ■ Children. You’ll probably be asked to specify how many you have; you also should have the option to specify whether they live with you or not, or whether they are with you sometimes. Unfortunately, most sites don’t get specific about how old your kids are, whether you have boys or girls, or other specifics. ■ Occupation. Virtually every site asks what you do for a living. Many may offend you by asking you to specify your annual income range. Only answer this if you want to; the site should provide you with the option to refrain from telling, or choosing an option like “I’ll tell you later” (AmericanSingles.com). ■ Religion. Look for sites that let you choose “I’d rather not say” or “I haven’t chosen one yet” if you wish. FIGURE 4.2 Most structured dating sites let you choose options and specify information about yourself.
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Beyond these simple, factual questions, you will probably get some questions that are intended to get at your personality. Those with a short attention span might be excused for becoming frustrated with questions that seem to repeat themselves. On the Udate.com survey, for example, what’s the difference between “Are you a caring person?” and “Are you a warm person?” The very act of taking the test might cause you to question the perception you’ve had of yourself as long as you can remember.
The Unstructured, Creative Approach At the other end of the continuum, some sites allow participants to ramble on about themselves as long as they wish by writing a freeform essay. Some don’t even require any basics like height, weight, eye color, children, or other details that many people would consider to be important.
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If you are the type who craves structure, look for sites that require participants to answer when they fill out a profile, rather than giving them the option of leaving a field blank. You find out more about prospects if they have to provide detailed information about themselves.
If you don’t want to get too detailed about superficial things like your eye color or receding hairline and prefer to emphasize your wit and charm, freeform essays give you a big advantage. Detailed surveys aren’t all that reliable, after all. The results of some surveys may well depend on your mood at the time—whether your lunch is agreeing with you, or whether someone just cut you off in traffic, for instance. The problem with freeform essays is that you have to figure out what to say and exactly how to say it. For most people, sites that require participants to be creative and come up with your own essay don’t work at all. Most people don’t have the gift of explaining themselves in writing. They don’t end up saying anything of substance about themselves at all. You read things like this: “Gee, I don’t know about this but I’ll give it a try. I’m getting ready for my 30th high school reunion and I could use a date. Are you available? I’m a fun-loving gal named Lisa who loves cats in Lowell, Indiana.” There’s nothing in such a description that would attract much of anyone. Lisa may be a wonderful person with many lively interests and beautiful thoughts, but you wouldn’t know it from a freeform essay. Unless you’re a good writer and like to talk about yourself, stick with a structured approach.
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Differences in Messaging The way in which dating prospects get in touch with you, and the way you communicate with others on a site, has a lot to do with how busy a site is—and how difficult or easy it is to use. Some sites let you use your existing email address for messages. Others boost your privacy by giving you a special email address just for their site. Flirting is an important part of many sites. You can flirt with someone by sending him or her a special message called a “whisper” (udate.com) or a smiley-face icon.
Differences in How Your Privacy Is Maintained Before you can do anything on some dating sites, you have to register. Typically, you submit your age, place of residence, birthday, and an email message. You can be excused for wondering if this type of information can be traced to you personally so marketers can send you unsolicited commercial email, commonly known as spam, or direct mail in your real mailbox. Some sites take pains to tell you, in their privacy policy or terms of use, that they won’t sell your email address or personal information to marketers. Other terms of use are lacking in such protections, and even warn you that hackers or others can obtain your personal information. This can be identified and measured in part by the limited amount of liability disclaimers found on online dating service sites, such as that found on an old version of one site’s terms of membership (the terms have changed and no longer contain this passage): It is possible that other Members or users (including unauthorized users, or “hackers”) may post or transmit offensive or obscene materials on the Service and that you may be involuntarily exposed to such offensive and obscene materials. It also is possible for others to obtain personal information about you due to your use of the Service, and that the recipient may use such information to harass or injure you.
The statement points up an important fact: You, the user, are ultimately in control of what information that is transmitted to others and must use the same restraints and common sense as you would use in the offline, real world. The risk involved is inversely proportional to your common sense, and good judgment ultimately decides when and what ammunition to reveal to strangers online. The same kinds of warnings about possible invasion of privacy that apply with other web-based sites apply to dating services, too. Don’t use your primary email address for dating site registration; set up a special spam account and expect to get occasional, unsolicited, commercial email once in a while. Don’t give out your address or phone number too soon.
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DR. DATE SEZ… Newcomers to online dating often think that it’s either the dating site that’s keeping them from meeting the right person or that there aren’t any great guys or terrific women out there. It’s true, there are a lot of dating sites that target different audiences and offer their own set of services. Too many people give up and blame the service or the dating pool for their lack of success. They don’t realize that the problem is with their attitude: They need to be patient, think positive, and persevere; eventually, they’ll find a good match. No dating service in the world can help you if you have a negative, “there’s no one out there for me!” attitude to begin with.
The Absolute Minimum ■ Before you rush in and choose a dating site, take your personality and needs into consideration. ■ Don’t expect any dating site to point you to the perfect match; don’t believe everything you read or see in a profile, either. ■ Free sites generally offer fewer features and present you with more advertisements than subscription services. ■ Pick a dating site that leads you through the process of creating a structured profile if you aren’t creative yourself. If you are a good writer, choose a site that lets you create a freeform essay. ■ Specialty dating sites can save you time and effort by focusing on your preferred geographic region or people with similar backgrounds.
In this chapter
• Understanding how dating service providers (DSPs) work
• Choosing the dating service that’s right for you
• Maximizing dating options by joining a popular service
• Focusing on special interests with a niche service
Maximizing Your Dating Site Options It’s easy to take the existence of the Web for granted, but there are still a few reminders that it hasn’t been around all that long. For example, the websites that have sprung up in its first decade have only one model to follow: each other. The result is that websites that provide similar services tend to look and feel the same and to offer the same features. That’s why you’ll find that many of the most popular dating sites closely resemble each other even though there are lots and lots of them. And you can probably guess why there has been a population explosion of dating sites: online dating means big money. Jupiter Research estimates that some 30 million Americans now peruse online dating sites, spending close to $400 million looking for love online.
5
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The majority of dating sites, in fact, have more similarities than differences. But others are truly unique: They aim to attract users with similar backgrounds and interests, or they bring people together in a “scientific” way. This chapter will compare and contrast some of the best-known ones, and describe some of the dating sites that bring people together in a different way. Naturally, it can be difficult to find the online dating service that’s right for you. You have to look past the standard copycat features to find the distinguishing features that can affect your experience, such as cost, the number of members, the age range and background of the members, and the way matches are made. The sections that follow identify some of the criteria you can use to evaluate any site you are thinking of joining.
Comparing Dating Service Providers Any website that provides services to clients is called a service provider. The bestknown is an Internet service provider (ISP), a company that exists to provide visitors with access to the Internet. When you’re ready to find a date online, you first will need to hook up with a Dating Service Provider (DSP). I use this term to describe a company that exists to provide single people with access to one another. DSPs often take a cookie-cutter approach to offering this service. If you visit one, you know pretty much what to expect when visiting the others.
How DSPs Are Similar The typical (or rather, stereotypical) experience goes something like this: You hear about the site from word of mouth, from an advertisement, from another website, or from a publication like this. You visit the site’s home page. You are enticed by visions of beautiful young people (usually, young women). The people are always smiling; no one seems to be serious or thoughtful. In fact, they always look like they are laughing hysterically because someone is tickling them without mercy. Then you are encouraged to take a tour of the site, sign up for an account, or search for someone who fits your general criteria to see if there’s anyone currently on the site who might be a good match.
The field of Internet dating is red-hot as this book is being written; by the time you read these words, new sites will have sprung up, others may have gone out of business, and others may have emerged as the most popular. Even though some of the specifics printed on this page may now be out of date, the general criteria for making a choice (cost, clientele, methodology, and technical options) is likely to remain the same.
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When you take a tour, you typically view a series of web pages that tell you about the site’s main features. You are usually able to search through the site’s database of client profiles to see if there are people who interest you. You are able to create your profile for free. However, if you want to send email or otherwise contact other individuals on the site, you have to subscribe. When it comes to subscribing, sites can be crafty. Typically, you are given the option of signing up for one month; however, if you sign up for three or six months, the monthly rate is lower. If you sign up for a year, the rate is lower still. If you sign up for a month, you submit your credit card account information to the site; many sites will automatically renew your subscription after a month unless you cancel. All the big dating sites let you create profiles; all let you conduct searches based on keywords contained in an essay or the title of a profile. Many let you save your searches so that you don’t have to enter the same terms over and over. Almost all the sites let you send a flirtatious signal, such as a smile icon, to another member to let them know you are interested.
What DSPs Don’t Tell You Right Away It helps to know what you’re in for so that, when you visit a site, you won’t be surprised, you won’t be let down, and you won’t feel like you have been taken for a ride. I can’t prevent you from ever getting totally annoyed with the process— but a little foreknowledge can make your expectations a little more reasonable. Keep in mind that dating sites usually have a few tricks up their sleeves:
tip Some DSP tour features present a series of animated pages that use the Flash application from Macromedia. If you don’t have Flash installed on your computer, you won’t be able to view the presentation. The Flash player is free and it integrates with your web browser so that it can play interactive content. You can download the player at www.macromedia.com/ downloads.
■ They really want you to subscribe. They’ll do anything to get you to take the plunge. ■ They may keep track of what you’re doing. Some sites give users the ability to be notified if someone has viewed their profile, whether the viewer has attempted to contact the individual or not. Some sites also keep an eye on what resources you use or pages you visit, especially after you have asked support questions. Be sure that you read the site’s list of Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) or user agreement so that you know whether a site can do this sort of snooping.
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■ Your gain means a loss for the site. Suppose that you meet someone and either get married or begin a long-term relationship. Are you going to keep your membership open with the dating site? Probably not. When DSPs are successful, their customers leave them. They are really better off if you continue to search for people. ■ Most people stick to standards. A site may try to scientifically match people based on personalities and interests, but there’s no substitute for forces like personal chemistry and animal magnetism. And many people are interested only in individuals who make a certain amount of money, or who have a certain ethnic or religious background. ■ Fraud and other legal problems have the dating sites frightened. As mentioned in this chapter, True.com has started a service in which they perform background checks to make sure participants are not convicted felons. Sites like Match.com have protested—but, if True.com gains more users, and if complaints are filed about criminals using dating services, don’t be surprised to find the other big dating services instituting similar checking services. Aside from these points, dating services are reluctant to tell you that the “legwork” is really up to you. A site can present candidates, but you still have to put in time and effort in conversing with those people and getting to know them. And there is no substitute for meeting someone in person. Don’t expect Some sites have been hit a dating site to magically solve all your relationwith class-action lawsuits ship problems. Consider a dating site to be a because of allegedly unfair tactics when it good starting point for meeting people and a way comes to inducing memto improve your chances of success, and be prebers to subscribe. The suits allege pared to potentially meet lots of people before that sites send fraudulent emails to you find the right one. prospective members, telling them that young, attractive people are interested in them. They also allege that some sites make it difficult or The DSPs that are already highly popular and impossible to cancel subscriptions. successful don’t need more publicity from books See Chapter 21 for more informalike this. You probably have heard about them tion. already in the media or from ads on the Internet or television. There’s a good reason why you should consider signing up with a big player, even if it isn’t the least expensive option. The larger the number of clients, the greater your chances are of meeting Mr. or Ms. Right.
caution
The Big Players
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Just who are the big players in the field of online dating? Table 5.1 shows two different rankings. The rankings are based on the number of visits made to the site, not the number of customers the site has (many sites prefer to keep the size of their customer base secret).
Table 5.1 Most Frequently Visited Dating Services (Among Sites That Provide Dating and Matchmaking) Ranking
Alexa Top 500
Jupiter/Media Metrix (2002)
1
Yahoo! Personals
Match.com
2
Tickle
Yahoo! Personals
3
Match.com
Dreammates.com
4
Adult FriendFinder
Someonelikesyou.com
5
Asia FriendFinder
Cupidjunction.com
6
craigslist
Date.com
7
Friendster
Matchmaker.com
8
American Singles
Friend Finder
9
Lavalife
Kiss.com
10
Friend Finder
Udate.com
Between these two lists, you have most of the big players in the field. Keep in mind that the Alexa survey includes only web surfers who use Alexa’s Web Search toolbar. The table also includes a few sites that don’t specifically focus on dating, but that include dating among their services. It’s interesting to see that Tickle is ranked higher than the better-known Match.com when such sites are included, and that craigslist and Friendster rank highly, too. craigslist hosts online communities for many major cities including San Francisco, Boston, New York, Washington, and Los Angeles. Along with help-wanted ads and apartment listings common to most community sites, one of craigslist’s most popular sections is “missed connections.”
Yahoo! Personals Yahoo! Personals (http://personals.yahoo.com) has an estimated nine million users, and has been one of the most popular dating sites on the Internet for several years. Users are attracted to Yahoo! not only for its large user base, but because it’s easy to use. Profiles are easy to set up; you only have to answer a few questions when you create a profile. It’s also free to create a profile; you can browse the site and keep your profile online indefinitely and pay nothing; you also can send “icebreakers”
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(pre-written messages that tell someone you’re interested in them) for no charge. However, if you want to respond to an icebreaker you need to be a paying subscriber; you can send email messages or instant messages only if you have subscribed.
Cost Yahoo! Personals offers three pricing arrangements for subscribers: ■ $19.95 for one month ■ $42.95 for three months ■ $89.95 for one year Keep in mind Yahoo! Personals will automatically renew your subscription. If you sign up only for one month, for example, your subscription will be renewed automatically for another month unless you go through the effort of canceling it.
Profile Yahoo! Personal’s profile only requires a few minutes to set up. You click checkboxes next to various options or choose options from pulldown lists (see Figure 5.1). Only your age and ZIP code are required. FIGURE 5.1 Yahoo! Personals makes it easy to create an online profile.
You are asked to fill out a page of similar options that describe the type of person you’re looking for; however, you don’t have to fill out any options at all if you want
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to keep your options open. You do have to write a 120-character essay, which requires you to say something interesting about yourself. Yahoo! reviews your essay to make sure it is appropriate and doesn’t use profanity or defame other people.
Photos Yahoo! Personals lets you post up to five photos, but all the photos don’t display as soon as someone views your profile (Figure 5.2 shows the profile and initial photo of Ron Benninga, who is profiled later in this chapter). Like other sites, viewers are required to click a link or access a separate page in order to view all available photos. FIGURE 5.2 Multiple photos don’t always appear immediately when you view a profile.
Searching for Love Along with the usual ability to browse for singles in your geographic area or by age, Yahoo! Personals has several search tools. You can search by keyword (a word that appears in an essay or the title of a profile), or do an advanced search that lets you find people with blue eyes, brown hair, a “voluptuous” build, or other criteria.
Match.com Match.com is one of the most visible and popular sites in the entire online-dating universe, and it has been so for several years. If you are just starting out and looking for a big, well-organized site with millions of users, “Match” (as it is often called) is a good place to start. The fact that there are so many subscribers means that even in relatively remote areas of the country, you are likely to find prospects.
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Cost Like other sites, Match.com lets you sign up for free. During the free trial period, you can search through profiles, and send other daters flirtatious icons called “winks.” It also gives you a three-day trial, during which you can email other members as well. After that, to continue contacting other members, you need to subscribe. The payment options are as follows: ■ $24.95 for one month ■ $44.85 for three months ■ $65.70 for one year The subscription is automatically renewed unless you cancel it.
Profile Match’s profiles are easy to create and don’t require a lot of information. You can create a short “Basics” profile, a longer “Dating” profile, and a “Friends” profile as well. The fact that you don’t have to make a lot of choices makes creating your own profile relatively easy; but it doesn’t give you a lot to go on when you are trying to decide which person to approach. The profiles give you the chance to write essays, in which you describe yourself or the people you’d like to meet, but most of these are optional. Only the “Describe yourself and who you’d like to date” question requires that you write at least 200 words. You don’t have to provide much information at all, if you don’t want to.
Photos Amazingly, Match.com allows you to add up to 26 different photos of yourself in your own “Photo Profile.”
Searching for Love Match lets you search its database by keyword, age, and other criteria. It gives you plenty of other ways to meet people too, both on and offline. Various spinoffs of the Match brand bring people together in real-world events: Match Travel hosts trips to interesting locations; Match Events hosts dinners and other social get-togethers in cities around the country; SpeedMatching holds “speed date” events in which singles congregate and get to know one another in a matter of a few minutes, and then move on to other prospects with great speed.
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Lavalife Lavalife (www.lavalife.com) sets itself apart from the other big players in the dating field by offering three different types of dating experiences to its members. Whenever you log in, you can choose from one of three separate dating communities: ■ Dating. Your primary interest is in meeting new people and having fun, without looking to get into a long-term relationship. ■ Relationships. Members of this community are primarily interested in getting married or having long-term relationships. ■ Intimate Encounters. This community’s members are looking for casual sex or something else that fits the description of “intimate encounter.” Each community is similar in function, but the participants have already preselected themselves and so, presumably, have the same interests as you do.
Cost The subscription process at Lavalife is also different than at other sites. You can receive or reply to messages for free—but to send messages yourself, you pay in credits: ■ 50 credits cost $14.99 ■ 100 credits cost $24.99 ■ 200 credits cost $39.99 Each initial email message costs 6 credits. A 20-minute instant messaging session costs 6 credits, and a 60-minute session costs 12 credits.
Profile Profiles on Lavalife are about the same as those on Yahoo! Personals and Match.com. They are also more or less the same for all three communities. You answer a series of Q&As, and you write some essays such as “Tell us about yourself in your own words.”
Photos You can post up to 10 photos on Lavalife. You can upload the photo yourself, or mail it (that is, by old-fashioned snail mail) to Lavalife’s staff and they will post it for you. One interesting feature, Backstage Photos, lets you control access to some photos so that only certain visitors (for instance, those in the Intimate Encounters community) can view them.
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It’s worth noting that Lavalife is located in Canada and has a large membership in that country. As you can tell from the many photos of smiling, happy young models, it’s oriented toward young people who are out for a good time; it provides services for singles, however, with more serious, long-term interests as well.
AmericanSingles.com AmericanSingles.com (www.americansingles.com) is a highly popular site that makes it easy to browse and view profiles of other members. There isn’t anything particularly unusual about the site; it allows members to create profiles and contact one another efficiently. There is one feature that is not unique to this site, but that is still interesting: You know immediately how many members are online and logged in; and when you view someone’s profile, you can tell if that person is online so that you can send him or her a “Click! Alert” to let them know you’re interested. Subscription options are as follows: ■ $24.95 for one month ■ $59.95 for three months ■ $99.95 for six months ■ 199.95 for one year As you can see, the site costs more than some of its competitors. Your subscription is automatically renewed unless you specifically cancel it.
FriendFinder FriendFinder (www.friendfinder.com) is, as the name implies, not just for people who are looking for dates, but for those who are seeking friends as well. The site’s Friend Network offers free membership, while a second Dating and Romance Network has a free membership option as well as a Gold Membership and a Silver Membership level. The level of membership determines how much you are charged each month, and how many features you can use, such as polls, instant messaging IDs of members, and how quickly you can get technical support.
Cost FriendFinder has two subscription options that require a monthly fee, silver and gold: ■ The gold option costs $139.94 for 12 months, $59.94 for 3 months, and $34.94 for 1 month. ■ The silver option costs $99.94 for 12 months, $39.94 for 3 months, and $22.94 for 1 month.
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The gold option gives you access to a private chat room, more email storage, faster technical support, and more effective searching. TELLING THE FLY-BY-NIGHTS FROM THE LEGITIMATE SITES There are a few dating sites that the general public knows about, such as Kiss.com, Match.com, eHarmony.com, Yahoo! Personals, Lavalife, and the like. But there are many others around the Internet that don’t seem legitimate at all, and that aren’t worth your time. For instance, when you do a search for online dating sites, you can come up with results like this: ■ Sites with strange, complex URLs, such as www.directory-to-online-datingservices.com or www.datingsitelinks.com/1468392/datinglinks.htm. ■ Sites that provide links to other dating sites. The search results look like this: “Free links to Online Dating sites. Great place for online dating, personals, dating directories, matchmakers, all the web has to offer…” ■ Sites that emphasize sex and that seem, well, shallow: “Online Dating & Matchmaking Service” guaranteed to hook you up with hotties absolutely free…” ■ Sites that offer to match you up with women from overseas: “Meet willing, sexy, young Russian girls now!” Some of these sites may be for real. However, the overwhelming majority aren’t likely to provide legitimate dating services. Rather, they are web pages that provide links to other sites, or pages that only pretend to offer dating services. You are more likely to actually meet someone by sticking to websites that are well-known and that have lots of users already.
Niche Sites There’s a site out there for virtually every type of interest. If you have a physical disability, or you are looking for someone who shares your religion, or have another quality that puts you in a special category, never fear. There’s bound to be someone out there for you and a way to find him or her. Many of the large dating services mentioned earlier in this chapter enable you to search for individuals with the same criteria as you. However, you might have better luck if you sign up with a niche DSP—a service that is devoted to the members of a particular group. There are groups for inmates in prison: Prisonbabes (http://dir.groups.yahoo.com/ group/prisonbabes) and Jailbabes (www.darwinwars.com/cuts/ns/jailbabes.html). PlanetOut.com (www.planetout.com) is aimed at gays, while Deafdates.com (www.deafdates.com) brings together the deaf community.
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One of the most popular niche sites, JDate (www.jdate.com, shown in Figure 5.3), is devoted to bringing together Jewish singles. You don’t have to be Jewish to join the site and post a profile, but you should assume that many of the people who use JDate are looking for Jewish mates. FIGURE 5.3 You’ll find niche dating sites covering many ethnic backgrounds and personal characteristics.
Sites That Take a Scientific Approach Some sites make an honest attempt to get away from the cookie-cutter approach taken by so many dating sites. Sites that emphasize photos and personal profiles can be superficial; the amount of detail and uniqueness depends on the ability of the participant to describe him or herself. If someone might be a promising match but isn’t a gifted writer or has trouble being introspective, a profile can be a turn-off. A person might be exceptionally intriguing, but if the profile questions don’t get at the qualities that are interesting, the singles who view the profile will never uncover the treasure. A DSP called eHarmony (www.eharmony.com) makes an honest attempt to break the mold and focus on a participant’s personality rather than looks, age, geographic location, income, or other qualities. Those qualities are taken into account, but when you join eHarmony, you fill out a lengthy questionnaire to identify your emotional and psychological qualities. eHarmony then suggests matches based on your self-described character traits. eHarmony is described in more detail in Chapter 6.
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Getting Opinions on DSPs With the dizzying array of dating services mentioned earlier, how do you find the ones you want? At least four sites are in the business of not facilitating dates but reviewing DSPs: ■ Date Seeker (www.dateseeker.net) ■ Dating Sites Reviews (www.datingsitesreviews.com) ■ Dating Reviews Online (www.datingreviewsonline.com, shown in Figure 5.4) ■ eDateReview (www.edatereview.com) Such sites compare the attributes of dating services, give tips for online dating safety, and recommend ways to tweak a profile for better results. FIGURE 5.4 If you’re looking for opinions about dating sites, turn to a review service like this one.
WHEN ONE DATING SERVICE IS NOT ENOUGH… As you have learned, dating sites have specific audiences and enable you to interact with potential partners in different ways. If you don’t mind paying two or three monthly fees at the same time, it’s perfectly okay to use more than one dating service. Ron Benninga, 46, a Chicago real estate developer, currently belongs to Yahoo! Personals, Match.com, and JDate. In the past, he has held memberships with eHarmony and AmericanSingles.com. Belonging to more than one site “gives me a more diverse view of people who are out there dating,” explains Ron. “It just increases your level of exposure.”
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After two years on the dating scene, Ron has a realistic view of dating services and how much they can accomplish. “The best-known sites are all pretty similar; some are better than others at being able to save profiles you want to go to later, and some have simpler profiles than others. In general, it’s pretty hit-and-miss with online dating services. I’d say about 10% of the dates I’ve had were worthwhile. It’s like looking for a job online; you search through a huge pool, and hope you’ll get lucky. But it comes down to meeting people face to face and having personal interaction. An online dating service can only go so far.” If someone seems interesting, set up a date for coffee without developing huge expectations, Ron recommends. There are worthwhile people out there in cyberspace, but it takes a lot of looking and personal meetings—and, quite possibly, making yourself available through more than one venue.”
The Absolute Minimum ■ Online dating services often have the same look and feel and provide similar features; you need to look carefully to find the differences that make a site right for you. ■ Big players on the dating scene ensure that you are presented to a large number of possible partners: You can browse and create a profile for free, but usually you have to subscribe in order to contact someone online. ■ Sites like eHarmony attempt to create a detailed personality profile of each member, while niche sites like JDate.com focus on singles who have the same religious or ethnic background. ■ There’s nothing wrong with subscribing to more than one site at a time to broaden your dating possibilities.
In this chapter
• Contacting singles for free with a trial membership
• Choosing an appealing screen name and headline
• Filling out surveys and creating profiles • Adopting a positive, realistic approach
Taking a Trial Run Even a brief tour of some of the online dating venues in cyberspace can leave you feeling spaced out. Some sites are so different that it’s like comparing apples with oranges. Other sites look so much alike that it’s hard to find any differences. How do you decide which site is best for you? You take a few sites out for a trial run, that’s how. You make the move from simply browsing and searching through profiles to actually communicating with prospects and setting up dates. You learn something about how each site works, and you begin to gain first-hand knowledge about which “pros” are essential, and which “cons” don’t matter anyway. To a large extent, getting started with dating sites requires that you develop a healthy attitude and realistic expectations toward online dating, and that is described later in this chapter, too.
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Signing Up for Free Most online dating sites are so transparent in their enticements to get you to hand over your credit card number that you can be excused for being skeptical. Dating sites make promises about an ideal experience that they can’t possible keep. All of the couples on the home page seem deliriously happy and you just know that isn’t right. After you’ve done some initial shopping, your first task is to sign up for some trial memberships so you can evaluate what the DSPs have to offer. And the tour of the site makes it seem trouble-free to sign up and find someone. Like other aspects of the online dating process, however, this is less simple than it appears. First, you have to understand the differences between the two types of dating service trial runs for which you can sign up: trial memberships and free memberships. DR. DATE SEZ… Most online dating services let you browse for dating prospects without registering. They think that you’ll register as soon as you see someone of interest and then you’ll subscribe. A few dating sites (for instance, uDate.com, www.udate.com and its partner site kiss.com, www.kiss.com) make it impossible to do much of anything until you create a username and password. (uDate.com and kiss.com also require that you submit your age, birth date, and email address before you can browse dating profiles, which guarantees that you’ll soon be receiving unsolicited email from them.) You have to decide if you’re interested enough in a site to register without a trial of any kind. Keep in mind that—as of this writing, at least—there are oodles of sites that let you try them for free. So, being on the thrifty side, I’d suggest that you get your feet wet on the cheap side without immediately disclosing personal information, such as your email address.
Trial Memberships Trial memberships give you full access to most (but perhaps not all) of a site’s email, chat, and instant messaging features for a fixed amount of time—typically, 5 to 10 days. During that period, you’ll be able to respond to email and chat inquiries that members leave for you after you create your own profile and put it online. You may be able to initiate email with people who interest you, although the level of functionality varies from site to site; and, you may be able to respond only during the trial period and not approach people directly. SpiritualSingles.com boasts on its home page (www.spiritualsingles.com, shown in Figure 6.1) that it offers unlimited trial membership. But if you read the list of included features, you will discover that you can receive and respond to email but you can’t send email to other members until you become a paying customer.
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FIGURE 6.1 Most sites limit your ability to communicate during a trial membership period.
Some sites require that you submit a credit card number in order to sign up for the free trial; you will be notified by email when your free time is about to expire. If you don’t submit an official notice of cancellation, your credit card account will be charged automatically.
Free Memberships Most dating sites allow you to become a member and post a profile online for free. You can browse and search indefinitely, with no obligation to become a subscriber. Your ability to create a profile should not be limited; you should be able to create a full profile and respond to all the questions included in the form, rather than a partial profile.
tip Be sure to submit any parts of a profile that need to be reviewed and approved by a site, such as photos and essays, as soon as possible. It might take the site several days to register approval; if your trial membership runs for only a week, you don’t want to be online for half of those valuable days without a photo accompanying your profile.
Free memberships are called memberships because they require that you create a screen name and password, and then submit some information to the site. Your ability to move beyond browsing and viewing other member profiles is limited, however. For example, you usually do not have the ability to send or receive email or instant messages with other members.
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Picking an Appealing Screen Name or Headline Whether you sign up for a free or trial membership, you’ll have to choose either a screen name or a headline. A screen name is the name that appears next to your photo and alongside your profile and that identifies you on the dating site. Screen names are used in place of your real name for several reasons. A screen name protects your privacy; if you use your real name, you never know who might try to look up your real street address or phone number using an online directory such as Switchboard (www. switchboard.com). And if people could look you up that easily, there would be no reason to subscribe to a dating service.
caution DSPs need trial members; the more profiles they have online, the better the options they can present to potential customers. However, when you come up with a bunch of potential matches in response to an initial search, a site should tell you whether the persons depicted are paying subscribers or trial members. There’s a big difference: You’ll be able to approach subscribers if you sign up yourself. You won’t be able to email trial members and strike up a relationship unless both you and the other party are paid subscribers. If you write to a trial member, the person won’t be able to read your letter. If you include your real email address in the body of your letter, some sites allegedly make it look like it was read so that you won’t read it.
Some sites (like True.com) use screen names to identify members. Others (like Yahoo! Personals) use headlines rather than screen names: A headline is a short phrase that appears along with your photo and basic facts in a list of search results. You should take the time to create a screen name/headline that is appealing and interesting and that conveys to people something about you or your personality. DSPs vary in the restrictions that limit a screen name or headline, however. Match.com lets you create a screen name and headline that can be more than 100 characters long; Yahoo! Personals lets you create a long headline if you wish; but, because only the first few words appear in a list of search results, it’s best to keep the headline short. On sites like Matchmaker.com, three digits are automatically appended to your name. For instance, if you choose the screen name GroovyGuy, you’ll appear as GroovyGuy561 or something similar.
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Here are some screen names and headlines that seem witty and appealing to me: ■ “She told him stories to delight his ear…” (a quote, I believe, from 1001 Arabian Nights) ■ GoddessOfLove ■ Sanderella ■ CaliforniaKid ■ RestlessInMilwaukee ■ InYourFuture ■ FitNTrim ■ It’s all about resonance Not so good names and headlines: ■ IveGivenUp ■ Why Am I Doing This? ■ HarleyGuy (I’ve seen too many of these, along with HarleyGal) ■ Looking for a Lifelong Partner That last example might not seem like a problem, but it strikes me as being overly serious. Although it may be true that you are looking for a lifelong partner, you might well scare off people who want a more gradual process. How can you choose just the right name? Think about your most appealing qualities—those qualities that you like best about yourself (come now, don’t be shy!). Make a list of three such qualities, and try to work them into short screen names. There’s no uniform guideline about how long screen names should be but, like passwords, you and others will find them easier to remember if they are 7 to 10 characters long. For instance, if you are a great mom, a great
I can save you the trouble of taking a guided tour or online tour of a site right away. Ready? Here’s the deal: They tell you to register; they tell you it’s easy as 1-2-3 to create a profile; they tell you they’ll provide you with lots of great matches; they tell you that you can send “flirts,” “smiles,” or other messages to someone who interests you; they assure you that you will have a great experience as soon as you sign up. There… Now you’ve heard the guided tour messages presented by 99% of all dating sites, so you don’t have to waste your time taking a tour.
tip True.com offers an excellent set of suggestions on how to pick a compelling screen name at www.true. com/insights/insights4.htm.
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dancer, or an enthusiastic cook, you might come up with names like TopMama, Crazylegs, or SuperChef. If such names aren’t available “as is” because they are already being used and the site doesn’t automatically add digits for you, consider adding two digits to the end that indicate your age or the date of your birth, or another significant numeral you’ll find easy to remember.
Features You Should Evaluate Once you sign up for a free membership, what features should you look for that tell you whether a site is worth your time or not? First and foremost, the site should provide some good matches in response to your initial profile (the profile you create in the process of signing up for a free or trial membership). Table 6.1 presents some specific pros and cons.
Table 6.1
tip Don’t use an offensive term in your screen name; the DSP probably won’t allow it, and even if it is allowed, it will turn off potential matches. Do consider starting your screen name with a letter at the beginning of the alphabet such as A or B. Such names will turn up at the beginning of search results for sites that allow alphabetical searches. Even a funny-sounding name like A-Greg will turn up first and thus get more attention.
Criteria for Evaluating Dating Sites
Encouraging Signs
Warning Signs
You can refine your criteria for a match
You receive email messages that tell you attractive women or men are looking at your profile
You are asked plenty of specific questions in order to create a profile
Questions focus mainly on your looks, not your personality
You are asked to create a profile that describes the person you’re looking for
You are forced to post your actual age rather than the option to choose an age range, if you prefer
You can customize searches and refine them to come up with either more or fewer matches, and you can receive “flirts” or “smiles” as well as email
You can’t conduct any type of communication with anyone else until you register
You can approach people via email and possibly chat or exchange instant messages
No chat, no IM, nor email approaches
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This last option is unusual, but it shouldn’t be. How else are you supposed to judge whether a site is right for you than by trying out its communications features? Most DSPs won’t let you approach other members by email, chat, or IM when you’re only on a trial membership.
Filling Out Surveys: Taking Your Time No matter where you register, you’ll be asked to create a profile that describes who you are. You probably also will be asked to describe the type of person you’re looking for. You’ve got to go through this process; if you take a few minutes to describe yourself accurately, you’ll be more likely to find matches, and thus more likely to evaluate the site’s value for you. That said, you generally don’t have to answer every question put to you. If you find the process unusually intrusive about information you want to give out to just anyone (for instance, your annual income) you don’t have to do so. The questions with which you are presented can tell you something about the site’s priorities. On Matchmaker.com (www.matchmaker.com) you can email other members during a free five-day trial period. To get there, however, you have to answer a lot of questions about your appearance, your income, your goals, and so on. As with other sites, you also are presented with a number of essays. These are optional, but you should make an attempt to answer at least some of the essays so you can stand out from the crowd.
Filling Out Surveys, Part 2: eHarmony If you like filling out surveys and are interested in psychology and personality tests, you’ll love eHarmony. eHarmony deserves credit for taking a different approach to matchmaking. Most dating sites require that you describe yourself beginning with the obvious facts and figures: your age, your height, your hair color, where you live, your marital status, and so on. Eventually, they present questions that ask you to describe your personality—how you behave at parties, for instance. eHarmony has turned the process inside out. eHarmony doesn’t begin by allowing you to browse profiles and view photos of its members. Photos are downplayed in favor or surveys: You begin by creating a free profile, and you let the site match you with someone, sight unseen. It presents you with more than 400 questions that are designed to develop a detailed psychological profile. The profile asks you to not only describe your favorite activities, but also to rank them in order of how you feel about them (see Figure 6.2).
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FIGURE 6.2 eHarmony develops a detailed profile and uses a formula to find a match.
You also rank how happy you are in certain situations, how various activities make you feel, how important spirituality is to you, and much more. Only at the very end of the questionnaire (which can take several hours to complete) do you get to conventional questions about your marital status, your ethnicity, and other things that are normally considered “the basics.” This approach makes a lot of sense to me; I am a big proponent of personality tests such as the well-known Meyers-Briggs and Kiersey-Bates assessments. eHarmony’s system (which it patented in 2004) is similar, but it requires you to write essays as well as answer questions (something that isn’t clear when you begin the lengthy process). It’s free to create a profile. After you do so, the service scours its database, using a complex formula to find a match for you. I encouraged my friend Helen, a personable 47-year-old African-American living in the city of Chicago, to fill out the survey and see what kind of matches she found. After going through hours of work, she was matched with a 50-year-old hospital employee living in an upscale suburb populated by few if any African-Americans. The hospital employee indicated he was not interested by quickly “closing” the match, which prevents the parties from contacting one another. That was the only match Helen found on eHarmony. The service doesn’t guarantee that you’ll find a match at all: It’s common to come up with nothing, or to only get one or two suggestions. The theory is that, if you do find a match, it’s likely to be a good one because of the extensive personality information submitted by both parties.
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eHarmony isn’t alone in having members fill out personalityoriented surveys. Sites such as True.com (www.true.com) allow users to screen partners through a “Compatibility Test” that takes psychological factors into account. It also lets members create conventional profiles with photos, age, One of my big problems with eHarmony is its lack religion, marital status, and other basic facts. of background about its approach and goals. The site was founded by clinical psychologist Neil Clark Warren, and it is devoutly Christian in its oriAfter you sign up and create a profile, some sites entation. You don’t have to be take the initiative and approach you. If the iniChristian to join eHarmony. But you tial process of establishing a free or trial memberwill have better luck if you are priship required that you submit an email address marily interested in traditional “fam(Match.com and Yahoo! Personals don’t require ily values.” The service’s emphasis is this initially; FriendFinder, True, uDate, and other on long-term relationships that lead to marriage. If you are separated, sites do), you can expect to get a variety of email you’ll waste your time filling out the addresses that urge you to do one or more of the questionnaire; you probably won’t following: find a match. And you will have ■ Activate your membership. After you better luck if you state that you sign up for a free account, True.com and want to get married or have a Lavalife send you an email that encourmonogamous, long-term relationages you to activate your account by clickship. ing a link in the email message. They do this to make sure that you have submitted a valid email address. Click it, and the sites usually follow up by sending you links to members who, in their estimation, may be good matches for you.
caution
Email Matches, Suggestions, and Teases
■ Find immediate matches. FriendFinder and uDate send you email messages telling you that other members have been looking at your account, and encouraging you to respond or to submit a photo if you haven’t done so yet. They don’t wait for you to start browsing, and they don’t wait for other clients to find your profile and approach you. They gather up member profiles that match your desired characteristics.
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DR. DATE SEZ… DSPs often say they will review the essays you write to make sure they are acceptable. They probably do a quick scan (perhaps with a computer program) to make sure you haven’t included any profanities or offensive words. But they don’t check to make sure the essay actually makes sense. When I was researching this book, I signed up for trial memberships on lots of dating sites. (I often had to do this just to find out the cost of a subscription.) Because I was in a hurry, I filled in the essay boxes on the FriendFinder site with the words I had closest at hand: I copied and pasted some random text from the book you are reading now. Obviously, the text said nothing about me or my goals and dreams. The next day, I received a message from FriendFinder announcing that my profile had been approved. This points out one of the problems with DSPs, in my opinion: They don’t always police what people write or how they present themselves. As long as you fill in the boxes and register with an email address, their primary goal is to use that email address to get you to take out a subscription. Helping you to make a really good match and have a good match comes in second.
Developing a Healthy Attitude I’m going to make a huge generalization here, but I think you’ll find it to be true when you start trying online dating services. The fact is that many dating sites are pretty similar. DSPs will hate me for saying this, but your level of success depends to a large extent not on the specific site you pick or on its magic formulas, but on you. If you don’t have a healthy attitude about yourself, you won’t attract people—or at least, not the right kind of people. If you don’t like yourself and where you are at in your life, you can’t very well expect people to like you. If you are going through a divorce or separation, give yourself some time before jumping into the dating pool: become more accepting of your life as it is and start to accept your identity as being single again. When you do start approaching others, don’t expect instant success. Some suggestions for how to develop a positive and realistic attitude about online dating are presented in the following sections.
Setting Your Sights/Sites Low One of the people I interviewed for this book likened online dating to applying for a job online. There is a huge pool of prospective applicants, and you can’t expect to
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find success immediately. You need to be persistent and resilient. It starts with your attitude: Take care to take and enhance some good photos of yourself as described in Chapter 9; photos are among the most important parts of any profile. Present yourself in a positive way; take care to spell-check and organize the text in your essays. Expect to meet a lot of people before you “click” with someone; don’t get discouraged if you’re online for weeks at a time without any success; hang in there and have fun getting to know people. If your initial goal is to have coffee with some nice people in interesting venues, you won’t be disappointed if that is all that develops at first. When I started online dating, my impulse was to think every match was potentially “the one.” I got inordinately excited and apprehensive before a meeting, and then became discouraged when things didn’t go as planned. I’ve since learned to be realistic: I don’t plan an elaborate first date but instead work toward having a cordial, brief conversation.
Responding to Initial Contacts You should take advantage of your trial membership period by responding to any of the email messages or “flirts” you receive from others. Everyone has to start somewhere, and it’s perfectly okay to be shy at first. Let’s say that you are just figuring out how to use the dating site and how to do online dating in general. You’re probably initially apprehensive about the prospect of starting to flirt yourself. So, try using honesty as a reasonable policy: Respond by saying you’ve just joined the system and aren’t sure yet how everything works, so you’ll get back to the person later (don’t forget that you really should reply later, one way or another). If you see someone who interests you, send him or her a message if the site will allow it during the trial period. Give them up to a week to respond: Remember, don’t expect too much to begin with. Your initial goal, in fact, is to determine whether this site has the potential to match you with people you want to date. If you find that someone responds in a friendly way and you have a pleasant email chat, chances are this is a site you will want to stick with.
tip Chapter 11 delves in greater detail into the subject of contacting someone for the first time. Chapter 14 provides some pointers on meeting in person.
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The Absolute Minimum ■ To evaluate a dating site, it’s important to sign up for a free or trial membership that lets you communicate with other members. ■ Take time to choose a compelling screen name and headline that will attract other members. ■ Some sites, like eHarmony, take a “scientific” approach to dating that evaluates personality through an extensive set of questions. ■ After you sign up, ignore any unsolicited email you receive from dating sites that encourage you to subscribe in order to respond to people who are supposedly interested in you. ■ Take a realistic attitude to online dating. Respond to initial contacts, and try to strike friendships without expecting to find your perfect mate right off the bat.
III
PART Putting Yourself Out There Creating a Profile
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Maintaining Good Form(s)
Presenting Yourself: Using Photos Dealing with S-E-X
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In this chapter
• Getting to know yourself and your needs • Creating accurate profiles that don’t reveal too much
• Avoiding common mistakes when describing yourself
• Creating a profile template that you can reuse
Creating a Profile We all know that first impressions matter. But what happens when your initial meeting isn’t in person? Online dating isn’t the only situation that may dictate doing the next best thing: providing some information about yourself either by email or by creating a Web-based profile. If you’re looking for a job online, you will need to fill out computer forms before you set up an appointment with the personnel manager. If you’re a prospective college student, you will need to fill out an application and write some essays; increasingly, such applications are filled out online rather than submitted on paper. Whenever you’re trying to get your foot in the door, your primary task is to describe yourself, your goals, and your hopes. You also need to tell interested parties what you have to offer.
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Creating an online profile is one of the first and most basic tasks associated with online dating. If you hope to spend real time with people you meet online, you will need to devote some computer time to presenting yourself appropriately.
Researching Yourself: Who Are You, Really? A photo may be worth a thousand words, but those carefully crafted phrases can really grab someone’s attention. To come up with words that sing, your challenge is to develop the words and phrasing that best describe yourself and your personality. What makes a good profile? It’s the profile that only you could create—that applies to only you. You compose such a profile not by cutting and pasting stock answers to standard questions but by writing essays that are as unique and special as you are. Suppose that you observe a reflection of yourself in a store window as you are walking down the street. If you began a sentence with “There goes that person who…,” how would you fill in the blank? You have to do some self-reflection by looking in your mental mirror and then attempting to describe what is staring back at you. It’s not as bad as it sounds; some helpful approaches to the task at hand are described in the sections that follow.
Looking to the Stars: Astrology For many people, the ancient art of looking to astrological signs for characteristics of personality is a reliable way of defining oneself. Astrology isn’t just for predicting what is going to happen to you today. Many astrologers can identify personality traits that are determined by your time of birth and they can even provide a detailed description of you and your ideal mate.
Creating a effective profile is vital to attracting the dating prospects you want. To keep the discussion detailed but easy to digest, different aspects of setting up a profile are described in subsequent chapters. Photos are discussed in Chapter 9, while Chapter 8 gets into the specifics of writing essays and filling out online forms.
tip Just because a dating site asks you to describe yourself in your own words doesn’t mean you’re on your own. Ask a trusted friend or colleague to write a sentence or two on your behalf. Better yet, get contributions from two or three relatives and acquaintances and put them together along with some of your own comments. A portrait painted by committee can be more accurate than what you might write if you depended solely on your capacity for self-reflection.
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Of course you probably wouldn’t want to go so far as to tell dating prospects too much about your horoscope or to prepare a personality description accordingly. It might be fun, however, to use information as background that gets you in the mood for online dating. The results can be intriguing and enlightening as you enter a new phase of your life.
Looking to Science: Personality Tests A personality test is a set of questions that is designed to determine your temperament and character. The two tests that I know about are the Meyers-Briggs personality type test (which is described at www.personalitypathways.com/ MBTI_intro.html) and the Keirsey-Bates temperament test, which is presented in a wonderful book that I highly recommend called Please Understand Me (https://www.matrixbooksinc. com/index.html). Whether you believe that opposites attract or you are looking for someone just like you, it’s interesting to see some structure behind why some situations make you more comfortable than others.
tip Both personality tests are described online. You can actually take the MeyersBriggs Personality Test in the privacy of your own home at www.discoveryourpersonality.com/MBTI.html. The Keirsey.com Temperament and Character website (http://keirsey.com) includes a section on personality types and how they affect dating and mating habits.
Such tests reveal that your behaviors aren’t odd quirks; they are part of your physical and mental makeup, and other people share them too. They help you accept and define yourself. They also reveal the kinds of mates who might be more compatible with you. You might discover some things about yourself that you never realized; or you might be amazed at how your traits and habits fit into well-known character descriptions.
Creating an Online Persona As people who frequent chat lines know well, the person you are online doesn’t have to be the person you are in real life. It’s normal to want to put your best foot forward, but you don’t want to stretch reality too far. Of course you could play around with your real-life persona and pretend to be someone you’re not when you start emailing and creating profiles, but I don’t recommend it. The truth eventually will come out when you meet someone in person.
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Deciding How Much to Reveal About Your Identity When you are creating a profile, you have to pick and choose which parts of yourself to reveal. Identity theft, after all, is one of the biggest problems in cyberspace. The fact is, while you need to be honest, there’s no reason to spill the beans on every last detail about yourself to meet some nice people. It’s important to include the most basic information: You are a male looking for a female or a female looking for a male; the town where you live; whether you have kids; whether or not those kids live with you (see Figure 7.1). These basics are requested on the first page of one of Lavalife’s online profiles (as well as more subjective complete-this-sentence items such as “My idea of romance includes…” and “In my spare time I enjoy…”). FIGURE 7.1 All profiles require you to describe your age, gender, and other basics.
The question of marital status can be tricky. You are usually presented with the following options: ■ Married. Most online dating sites ban married members from looking for dates—but not all. A few sites are specifically designed for people with “open marriages” or who are interested in swinging. ■ Separated. Some states grant married people legal separations. But the overwhelming majority of people who describe themselves as separated are still married and are either thinking about divorce or are somewhere in the
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legal process. If you choose this category when creating your profile, be prepared to explain exactly what this means, either in an essay or an email exchange: Anyone interested in your profile will probably ask how long you have been separated, the nature of your contact with your spouse, and so on. ■ Divorced. Only choose this option if you are really, truly divorced and you have the piece of paper to prove it. The actual status matters to most people. ■ Single. This term is vague, and you should choose a more specific option if one is available, such as “Divorced,” “Never Been Married,” or “Widowed.” ■ Widowed. If your spouse is deceased, choose this option. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt whenever possible, and there’s something to be said from benefiting from experience. However, these designations make a big difference to many online daters. Because I know what I was like when I was separated, I would steer clear of anyone who is going through that turmoil and If you are given the could ultimately reconcile with his or her spouse. option of describing On the other end of the continuum, I would also yourself as “Single,” take a little convincing to pursue those in their choose another, more 40s or 50s who designate themselves as “Single— specific option such as “Divorced,” “Never Been Married,” Never Been Married.” That may not be totally or “Not Presently Married.” If you fair in all cases, but I think many who are more see a profile that describes someone interested in a long-term serious relationship else as “Single,” you may want to than a temporary “having fun” kind of friendask for a clearer explanation. It’s just ship share this suspicion. too vague.
caution
The Age Question I personally think it’s important to designate your exact age rather than only providing an age range—keeping in mind that your real age will come out when you meet someone in person. Men often seek women who are younger than they are, especially if they are hoping to start a family. Increasingly, however, women are also interested in younger dating partners. So, although there is an incentive for people to claim to be younger than they are, I’m certainly not going to tell you to lie. By the same token, you should be aware that many of the profiles you read online might not be entirely accurate in the age department. If you have kids, you don’t need me to tell you that they are an important part of your life. I wish more dating sites would let you specify whether the children live with you on a full-time basis or whether they split time with their other parent. If
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you’re using a site that doesn’t provide a mechanism for doing this, I encourage you to talk more about your kids in your essay. Remember, you’re looking for a person who will accept how much time you have to devote to your children—and to potential relationships. Do you want kids? Almost every dating site asks this question. As someone who dotes on his two darling daughters now, but became a parent relatively late in life, I’m not sure this is a valid question. If you know the answer for sure, it’s good to respond. Otherwise, I’d suggest treating the subject as optional. Some other common elements included in online profiles are described later in this chapter. BE UPFRONT, BUT BE CAUTIOUS How much, exactly, should you reveal in a profile? Janet Majure, who found her current “sweetie” through online dating, is conscious of the need for privacy. Asked how much personal information to share upfront, Majure suggests: “Only as much as you would be comfortable revealing to a potential serial rapist.” She adds that she was pretty cautious, meeting prospective dates in person for the first time in public places. “The one thing I did that I might not do now is to place calls from my home phone. No harm came from it, but caller ID could have provided my number to people I might not have wanted to know it.”
There’s one exception to what I just said about age accuracy: if you are looking for someone who is older than you or younger than you. For example, if you are a 45-year-old woman and you would like to find a man in the 35–40 age range, you may have better luck if you say you are 40 rather than 45. You’ll have to explain, in one of your essays, that you took some poetic license with your age for just this reason. (Remember, the truth will come out eventually.) Another strategy, if finding an older or younger mate is a concern for you, is to look for a dating site that lets you choose your own age range and the age range of your ideal partner.
Clichés were what Majure hated most about online profiles, and she proudly denies writing one herself: Two friends helped prepare her description. She reviewed ads for about six months, started a few conversations, and had her first meet-up after about a year. A couple of months after that, she met the man with whom she now lives. They’ve been together three years. Majure was attracted to cyber-dating because single men in her age group were scarce in her geographic area—a midwestern college town with a population of about 80,000.
Majure’s bottom line for a timeline is, “Go with your gut.” She goes on to say, “If you feel like you’re being rushed, don’t do it—and question the motives of somebody who is pushing you outside your comfort zone. In many ways this part is like meeting someone at a party. You have limited information and you just keep asking and exchanging details until you have some sense of a common interest.”
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Describing Your Personal Appearance All profiles ask you to describe your physical characteristics. Even eHarmony gets around to appearance, after answering hundreds of psychological questions. But the overwhelming majority of sites start with questions about your height, weight, eye color, hair color, and other things that people notice immediately when they see you for the first time. It can be surprisingly difficult to answer questions about how you look physically. If you’re a lifeguard or a personal trainer, you’ll probably have no problem coming forth with the vital statistics. Anyone else can be excused for wondering about the necessity for answering every single question and for puzzling over exactly what answer to choose. Does it really matter if there’s a little gray in your hair or if your eyes are hazel rather than plain brown? Why don’t the questionnaires get you to describe the little things that make you special, such as that dimple on the left side of your chin, or the fact that one eye is a slightly different color than the other? You can point out such endearing characteristics in the common “describe yourself in your own words” essay that many sites include. Height and weight run a close second and third behind age as profile options most likely to elicit a falsehood. Women frequently want men to be taller; men generally want women to be slim and athletic (a goal shared by women too, of course). How do you confess your height and weight if you’re not feeling good about them? Look for DSPs that ask you to specify a range rather than an exact number. Also provide a general description of your body type; most sites enable you to choose between words such as fit, athletic, slender, Rubenesque, overweight, or looking like a reflection in a fun house mirror. You get the most latitude if you use one of these options rather than entering exact numbers, but you should expect to be prepared to provide statistics when someone talks to you on the phone or by email.
Describing Education, Income, and Other Basics There hasn’t been any scientific information gathered on how much education online daters have. There is a degree of self-selection that already exists, in that participants know how to use computers and are comfortable with the Internet. However, all sites ask you to specify how much education you have and you should answer accurately. Again, you’re not going to be able to fudge your education for long, and many who date online consider this an important consideration.
caution Keep in mind that your potential dates can run a background check on you to verify whether you’re telling the truth about your education and other personal details; see Chapter 22 for more on such research and how to do it yourself.
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Personally, I don’t know why you should specify your exact income in your profile. Save such information for after you get to know someone—that, at least, is my first response. After some reflection, I realize that for many people, income is very important. Of course, instead of specifying your exact income, you can hedge with a generic answer such as “I’ll tell you later” or “Only my accountant knows for sure.” But if you can truthfully list a high figure, it’s to your advantage to do so. An income of more than, say, $100,000 can make up for other qualities that aren’t so commonly desirable. You might also want to specify your income if you are looking for someone whose professional situation is similar to your own.
Observing the Do’s and Don’ts Part of creating a good profile is simply avoiding some obvious mistakes that you see online all the time. Match.com surveyed its members on the most common profile no-nos they see online. The results are as follows: ■ The profiles contain spelling and grammar mistakes ■ Users mention their ex-spouses or companions ■ Photos contain other people along with the profiler
tip Match.com has a good selection of tips for its members. Read about the “worst profile mistakes” survey at www.match.com/ matchscene/ article.aspx?articleid=1991.
■ Photos obviously attempt to cut out other people ■ Users choose the incorrect gender preference A full 51% of respondents complained about spelling and grammar mistakes. It’s surprising because such errors are easy to correct. Even if you do make a typo, you can edit your profile to undo the damage. Take time when typing your profile, and be the first to visit your profile online to make sure you haven’t made a faux pas. It’s important to talk about your past relationships when getting to know someone, either on the phone, by email, or in person. There is no reason to bring up your breakups when you are putting yourself out there for the first time, however. Concentrate on your strong points, your hopes, and your desires—not on the past.
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Automating Your Profile If you are trying out a variety of DSPs or if you just want to sign up for two or three different venues in order to maximize your options, you’ll have the opportunity to create multiple profiles. While you don’t have to create a profile just to join a site and check it out, you won’t get anyone on the site to communicate with you unless you have a photo and a profile online. If you want to save time or just speed up the process of applying for trial memberships, consider automating the process of writing essays and answering questions that require judgment or reflection on your part. You can do it by writing down some answers to common questions in a word-processing document so that you can use them over and over again, or use a software program to speed up the process for you.
Creating a Profile Template How many ways can you say the same thing over and over again, even if you are talking about your favorite subject—yourself? If you plan to register for more than one site, you’ll save time by creating a template: a document that contains the basic information you want to include in a profile. When it comes time to complete a dating site’s profile form, fill it out on paper using the suggestions presented in Table 7.1. The form presents essay questions that are asked on many websites in the course of creating a profile. The site that provides the question is also listed, as are suggestions for ways to submit the form.
Table 7.1
Essay Question Topics for Profiles
Question/Topic
Site
Suggestions
What’s the first thing you want to say?
Lavalife
Focus on what you have to offer, not what you think is cool about yourself: I’m a great listener; I’m the strong silent type; I’m a free thinker.
Tell us about yourself in your own words! (100–2000 words)
Lavalife
What do you in the weekend or your spare time? What excites your passions?
Describe yourself and your ideal match in your own words (minimum 120 characters).
Yahoo! Personals
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Table 7.1
(continued)
Question/Topic
Site
Tell us what celebrity your sense of humor is most like and why.
FriendFinder
Tell us about the most important quality you are looking for in a mate and why.
FriendFinder
If you were a car, what kind of a car would like to be?
FriendFinder
Describe yourself and your physique.
Matchmaker.com
Where were you born? What is your ethnic origin or ancestry? List some of the places you have lived or traveled.
Matchmaker.com
Describe yourself and friends you’d like to meet.
Match.com
As you can see, many dating sites ask the same sorts of questions over and over. Not only that, but some of the answers to one question can be used to answer another site’s question. If you take the time to answer a question once in a word-processing document, you can cut and paste your essay response in dating-site profile forms.
Creating a Profile with Special Software It seems like there’s a software solution for every kind of challenge or task. Sure enough, there’s even a downloadable application designed to automate the process of creating a profile. Dating Profile Creator, which is offered by the British website Dating-Review (www.dating-review.co.uk), provides a wizard that leads you, step by step, through creating your profile.
Suggestions
tip When you only have to cut and paste an answer to an essay question, you can take a few minutes to refine it to match the clientele of the site you are joining. For instance, if you are writing an essay question describing your ideal date, you might provide a different answer for the Jewish site Jdate than you would for the more general site AmericanSingles.com, or the “adult” site Swingtown. You can keep the basic information the same, but vary the tone slightly to attract different kinds of people.
Wait a minute, I hear you saying: Isn’t that what dating sites do already? Don’t they lead you stepby-step through the profile creation process, and make the process easier by allowing you to make choices from text boxes, dropdown menus, and checkboxes? Indeed they do. Dating Profile Creator doesn’t do
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anything that DSPs don’t do already. Why use the program at all? For one thing, it’s free. For another, it gives you one advantage: You have to write the profile only once instead of multiple times. If you plan to sign up for memberships at a variety of sites to try them out as described in Chapter 6, Dating Profile Creator will save you some work. The program also suggests some bits of information you may not have considered. Follow these steps to get started with the software: 1. Go to the Dating Profile Creator home page (www.dating-review.co.uk/dating_profile_ creator.htm) and click on the link Download Dating Profile Creator on the right side of the page. The program works with Windows 95 and later systems (the Macintosh is not supported). Click Download, and follow the instructions on subsequent screens to download and install the program.
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If you like to fill out fanciful editing questions—for instance, if writing and editing is your strong point—look to FriendFinder (www.friendfinder.com), which has some of the oddest and most creative essay questions around.
2. Once Dating Profile Creator is installed, launch the program from the Start menu or double-click the DM.exe file in the Dating Profile Creator folder, which is created when you install the application. The main program window launches with the Dating Profile tab in front (see Figure 7.2) so that you can begin filling out the basics: your profile’s headline, your description of yourself, and your “I’m looking for” description, which is supposed to describe your ideal date. There are two useful things about this program. The first is that it contains wizards that suggest headings and essay content for you. For instance, if you are having trouble coming up with just the right profile heading, click the Headline Maker button. The Headline Wizard window opens. Choose options from the many drop-down lists to create a headline that applies to you (see Figure 7.3). The other advantage of using Dating Profile Creator is that it stores usernames and passwords for you, as well as the date when your membership will expire. It can be especially convenient to archive such information in the same place as your profile data, especially if you sign up for more than one dating service or are just “shopping around” by trying out various free and trial memberships. You enter the data for each site in the program’s Joined Sites tab (see Figure 7.4).
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FIGURE 7.2 This program helps you create dating-site profiles by copying and pasting.
FIGURE 7.3 Dating Profile Creator’s wizards suggest headline and essay content for you.
Of course, you don’t need Dating Profile Creator to keep track of such information for you. (The information stored is not encrypted, so it’s not especially secure.) You can hang onto the information yourself by setting up a word-processing program or database. And the information required by each site differs dramatically, so there’s no guarantee that Dating Profile Creator will hold all the information you actually need.
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FIGURE 7.4 You can enter usernames, passwords, and membership information you might forget otherwise.
The Absolute Minimum ■ To create a good profile, you have to know your personality and dating needs. ■ Include the basics when creating a profile, but don’t reveal any details you’d rather not make general knowledge. ■ You don’t have to be specific when describing your age, income, and education, but you might attract more attention if you do. ■ Make sure your profile doesn’t have any obvious spelling or grammar mistakes. ■ You can reuse the same profile information on different dating sites.
In this chapter
• Adjusting your responses to dating profile form questions
• Writing essays that invite responses • Avoiding turn-offs when answering essay questions
• Following guidelines for telling your story online
Maintaining Good Form (s ) As a writer, I know that the only thing more terrifying than a blank piece of paper is a blank computer screen. With multiple-choice questions, you are at least given choices. With essays, though, you don’t even get to pick your own topic. You’re given a question, such as “describe your ideal date,” and you have to compose the answer by coming up with your own words. Not only do you have the challenge of composing an answer out of thin air, but you have the additional pressure of hoping that your carefully crafted sentences will attract that special someone you have been dreaming of. Suddenly you are on uncharted ground.
8
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Despite this bleak picture that I’m painting, I’m not encouraging you to avoid essays: They are an important part of any online profile. And that is why this chapter is about them. Lots of businesses will help you improve your essays for a fee. If you’re willing to put in a little work, you don’t need to pay a wordsmith. You’ll have a great essay, and you’ll also have the satisfaction that it came from your very own heart and soul.
Filling Out Forms Your age and/or prior relationships may affect your mood when you begin to fill out a form to create your dating profile. After all, you probably haven’t been asked so many questions about yourself since you applied to college or your last job. If you have been out of the dating pool for a while, you’ll probably find it difficult to deal with the sudden splash of cold water. You aren’t as slim as you were when you first started dating; you aren’t as youthful and idealistic and, well, naive, either. Look on your maturity as a good thing: You’re going to do it right this time and take advantage of your knowledge and experience. If you’re dating for the first time, you have a different kind of challenge when it comes to filling out the forms: Just describe yourself without being too restrictive about the kinds of qualities you’re looking for in a mate. (See the Tips from the Trenches…Adjusting Your Form Responses Pays Off that accompanies this section.) ADJUSTING YOUR FORM RESPONSES PAYS OFF Jared Gray West reads the profiles of potential dates closely. Not only that, but he has found that the answers he provides on the profile forms of his chosen service, Match.com, makes a difference in the number of dates he gets. “When I look through profiles, I find that I’m a stickler for spelling,” says Jared, 25, a webmaster in Indianapolis, Indiana. “When I see someone whose spelling is really poor, I automatically question that person’s intelligence. Those profiles don’t even get a second glance. Other people write really short profiles that don’t contain much information. I figure it’s not worth contacting such people because they don’t put much effort into the process.” Jared created the original version of his Match.com profile (shown in Figure 8.1) painstakingly. He answered every question precisely in an effort to attract what he envisioned as his ideal mate. He specified that he only would go out with blondes, for instance. But he learned from experience that it’s better to keep an open mind about whom you might meet, and to fill out forms with less restrictive answers. Yes, he ultimately decided to consider brown- and red-haired women also.
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FIGURE 8.1 This Match.com member edited his profile and got more interest from potential dates.
“I wasn’t getting many visits to my profile or many inquiries at first,” he explains. “I think the first generation of my profile was too narrowly focused. Because I am 25, I originally said I was only looking for women age 20–26. When I broadened that age range a little, I started getting more hits. I also adjusted the personality traits I said I was looking for. Originally, I specified that I wanted someone who is ‘easygoing.’ When I deleted this qualification, I started getting more people looking at my profile. At one point I felt I was selling out because I was generalizing what I was looking for, but I came to realize that it’s like that in real-life dating, too: You might think you know what kind of person you want, but you’ll be better off if you go out with other types of people because you never know for sure what will click.” After Jared deleted the word “easygoing” from the profile describing the type of woman he’d like to meet, he ended up dating women who were a bit “high-strung.” But he isn’t sorry to have had that experience: “It was better to go out with nice people who were high-strung than no one at all.” Jared found his long-term girlfriend on Match.com. “I saw her profile first and liked it. Then I sent her a ‘wink’ because we had a similar interest in film and she lived in my general area. It didn’t hurt that her pictures showed she was attractive. I hate to sound shallow, but they tell you that the profiles with photos get more hits. That’s the way it happened with us and I’ve now ‘turned off’ my profile because I’m not looking for anyone else.”
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Most dating sites make it easy to specify your physical characteristics and the basics of your personal situation such as your marital status, your income, your age, and where you live. Those are the straightforward questions that have factual answers, and they’re described in Chapter 7. But you’re also likely to be asked some questions that are more difficult to answer because they attempt to gauge your temperament. Some examples include the following: ■ How do you behave at a party? Are you the life of the party or the shy, retiring type? ■ How do you feel about cleaning up around the house? ■ What are your favorite things to do? ■ How would you describe your religious beliefs? If you have a difficult time answering such questions, just remember that your initial answer doesn’t have to be your final one. In other words, you don’t have to give a perfect answer the first time. You can go back to your profile and edit what you wrote whenever you want.
Answering Essay Questions
tip If you need help filling out forms or writing essays and you belong to AmericanSingles.com, you can call the site for help. AmericanSingles.com invites its members to call a 24-hour, toll-free number (1888-854-3803) to get suggestions on how to spruce up a profile to get better results.
A bouncy, happy, and breezy essay is better than one that is bogged down with information and that is serious in tone. Remember that you aren’t trying to reveal every last detail of your life story in this brief space: You can gradually delve into deeper layers when you start exchanging email messages or meet in person. The essay should serve the purpose of an ad that portrays you as someone interesting and that encourages people to find out more about you. Jared Gray West’s answer to the question asked by most dating sites, “describe yourself and the person you’d like to meet,” is a terrific example:
Hello! My name is Jared, but I often go by my middle name, which is Gray. You should ask me about it sometime! I like to think of myself as a Renaissance Man, since I dabble in many things—film, cooking, design, science, writing, music, philosophy, computers, athletics, and more. I’m not easily categorized, and that’s how I like it. I’m looking for a girl that is also unique in her own way. Do you share some of my interests, but have many
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new things to teach me? Good! That’s exactly what I’m looking for. I don’t have a “type,” per se, but I love intelligence, humor, and optimism. A laidback personality is a plus. I’m not necessarily looking for a serious relationship—if things evolve into that, that’s fine, but it’s not a requirement. Anyway, enough about what I want—let’s put the spotlight on you! Do we have something in common? Send me an e-mail! Notice, first, how many keywords Jared includes in his profile: film, cooking, design, science, and so on. He’s not terribly restrictive about the person he’d like to meet, which opens him up to many different possibilities. The essay ends with an invitation to find out about other people, which tells prospective dates that he isn’t solely interested in himself. You, too, can create the same kind of inviting, positive, forward-looking essay by observing the following general principles: ■ Keep the introduction short. The first sentence or two should be a greeting; after that, start describing yourself. ■ Minimize the use of I and me. To be sure, your essay is about you. But you don’t want it to seem like you are monotonously obsessed with yourself. Choose words that you would use to tell a story to get across who you are in a humorous and entertaining way.
tip
■ Don’t whine. I don’t care if you feel silly doing this; I don’t want to know that you were having a bad hair day when your photo was taken; I don’t want to hear anything apologetic, in fact. Neither does anyone else who is considering your profile. Stay positive, or you’ll turn people away. ■ Show, don’t tell. When they’re writing an essay, lots of people are in a hurry just to get the process finished. They load up sentences with a series of adjectives: “I’m a happy-go-lucky, playful, athletic, active sort of gal.” This tells people too many different things at once without any context. Let your tone and the subject of your essay show that you are playful and athletic. For example, talk about the time you
The essay writing tips on the Human Kinetics website are designed to improve skills for anyone working on any type of essay. In fact, the general principles apply to online dating essays too. Among other things, the authors remind you to use an introduction and conclusion. They also recommend that you consider your initial effort to be a first draft and revise it until you’re really happy with it. If you do only these things, your essay will already stand out from the crowd. Find out more at www.humankinetics. com/courses/alevelpe/essay.cfm.
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went diving with the dolphins in Mexico, for instance, or use a few descriptive sentences to explain why you love rock climbing. If you must include a list, itemize your favorite places, people, and objects, avoiding a litany of adjectives. ■ Pretend that you’re talking, not writing. Imagine that you’re hanging out with your best friends, telling them exactly what’s on your mind. Be informal and chatty. Spin a few yarns. Consider turning on a tape recorder while you brew a pot of coffee and bare your soul to a friend: You might surprise yourself with some really poignant comments you can use in your essay, if not the whole essay.
Telling Your Story, Your Way One good thing about dating-site essays is that you usually don’t have to say everything in one burst. Rather, you are asked to write short essays on specific topics: your favorite place; the book you last read; your interests. Writing a dating-site essay doesn’t mean you’re going to exhaustively tell your life story. You just address one topic at a time with a few sentences. Here, too, Jared Gray’s short essay answers provide good guidance. When asked the typical question “What do you do for fun?” he answers in a way that is reassuring to a potential date, and that contains keywords that will show up in searches: I make movies! I have a great time doing anything new, though I’m not someone who must be constantly entertained. I can have fun just talking or watching movies on the couch as well as active hobbies like indoor rock climbing, sailing, or hiking. Some other examples of brief mini-essays that address a single topic and that are included in forms are shown in Figure 8.2. The most important thing is to provide some sort of answer to every essay opportunity rather than leaving a space blank. Even a short answer is better than no answer. The idea is to convey that you are a thoughtful person who is willing to share, not secretive or lazy. Plenty of other profiles out there include an entire assortment of essays, so if someone sees you’ve completed, say, only one or two essays out of ten, they’re likely to move onto someone else who has put more effort into the process.
tip Consider adding an audio or video clip to your profile. It not only lends additional interest to your profile but also supplements the visual information you present through a profile. A short audio file can enhance, authenticate, and supplement your wellexecuted and masterfully written essay.
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FIGURE 8.2 Even a few sentences are enough for most essays in dating profiles.
Writing an “Under Construction” Essay Sometimes, it seems like much of the Web is under construction. Web pages are incomplete; websites have links that go nowhere. Web surfers are used to content that is out there but not completely finished. If you are having trouble coming up with the perfect essay, fall back on the “under construction” approach. In this approach, you tell visitors that you’re working on a great profile but haven’t quite finished it yet. Here are some examples: Before you know it, you’ll see a fully formed description of this fortysomething lawyer who is currently sitting on the beach staring at clouds and dreaming up ways to describe herself. When she returns from vacation, you’ll see lots more details. Consider this the veil covering the work in progress that is my profile, and that is about to be unveiled soon. The “under construction” approach helps you relax. It encourages you to answer with one or two brief statements and leave the rest for later. But you might find that, without the pressure of having to write the perfect essay, you end up with a really good one anyway. It’s kind of like being frozen when posing for a photograph, but then getting a great shot when you don’t think there’s film in the camera. You might be able to remove the “under construction” notice and let the rest remain as your final essay.
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Learning from Others’ Essays You don’t have to reinvent the wheel when you are writing essays. You have plenty of material that you can use as an example or starting point—that is, the essays written by other members of the same dating services to which you belong. Of course I’m not telling you to copy the words of someone else. You want to write essays that apply uniquely to you and that couldn’t possibly be written by anybody else. That said, you can get a lot of ideas from others’ essays in terms of tone, content, and a few choice phrases now and then. Read other people’s essays for research purposes. After you’ve looked through the essays of candidates who turn up in response to your own dating search, turn the tables around. Log off the dating site and return as an anonymous visitor. Do a quick search for members who are just like you. If you’re a male, say you’re a female looking for a male in your age range and from your part of the country. Scoping out the competition will give you an excellent idea of what you have to do to distinguish yourself from the crowd. You’ll also learn just how important it is to write good essays, fill out forms as completely as possible, and post good photos. Don’t be intimidated. Focus on what you have to offer that you don’t see mentioned, such as your hobbies, awards you have won, or skills that make you attractive and interesting, such as perfect pitch, jazz guitar, quilting, construction, auto repair—the list of possibilities is endless. Also look for qualities that catch your eye or for hobbies or physical featured that are frequently mentioned: ■ In male profiles, you might notice that the emphasis is often on employment history and occupation, and there’s usually a mention of a sense of humor—all of which suggest that the man is financial secure as well as having a nice personality. ■ In female profiles, you might notice that well-composed photos catch your eye, as well as an emphasis on a slim and athletic physique, and sports such as biking and yoga—all of which suggest that the woman is good-looking and likes physical activities. I can’t point you to any scientific studies stating that any of the above features make someone seem attractive. But my gut feeling and experience tell me that they can be important to getting someone to take a second look.
Scanning other members’ profiles also gives you an idea of the kind of language that the site considers acceptable. If your site allows sexually explicit language, for example, you’ll know how far to go to be interesting but not too bold.
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Be Truthful, Be Consistent In my own dating experience, I tend to be suspicious. I remember the content of profiles, and then listen closely to what people have to say in subsequent emails, phone calls, and meetings. If someone gives information in person that clashes with what’s in their profile, warning flags go up in my head. I’m not the only one. More than one of the people I interviewed for this book told me about going on a date and hearing comments that clashed with what people said in their profiles. Even the slightest hint that you’re not telling the truth in an essay will turn people away.
Tell Anecdotes
As I stated in Chapter 6, while it’s important to be as truthful as possible in your profiles, you might want to “fudge” about your age in order to attract more responses. If you do purposely specify the incorrect age in your profile, be sure to explain why in your essays. You don’t want the truth to come out on a date, or your companion will probably dump you as soon as possible.
People love to hear stories. You’ll grab their attention immediately if you tell them something humorous or noteworthy that happened to you in the past. Talk about your adventures in the marathon you ran or at the antique market. Anything that throws the spotlight on your interests will attract people who share those interests. Just make sure that the anecdote shows you in a good light. You want to be see as heroic or sensitive or good at problem solving, not someone with poor judgment who is the butt of the joke.
Did You Hear the One About…? Not everyone is possessed with the nimble literary wit of a Dorothy Parker, but we all enjoy a good laugh. Part of your goal is to get people to linger over your essay, and you will get extra points if you can elicit an emotional response in the form of a smile or giggle. Again, be sure your joke is in good taste and not offensive. Your goal is to get your prospective partner laughing with you, not at you.
Short and Sweet Is Best Anyone with computer savvy is likely to have an itchy finger when it comes to mouse clicking. Attempt to cover only a few subjects and keep the tone light and breezy. You may have been able to get an “A” out of your high school English teacher by using big words and long sentences, but boring is not the way to the heart of a potential date.
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Finding Your Own Editorial Help Physicians aren’t supposed to diagnose themselves because none of us has the perspective to identify his or her own characteristics with complete accuracy. A good essay is both subjective and objective, which is why it’s often useful to draw friends and family into your process. Others will be able to suggest topics and wording that will convince your reader that you know yourself well, but aren’t completely egocentric. SPRINKLE A TRAIL OF KEYWORDS Entrepreneurs and businesspeople know how to market themselves online: They leave a trail of keywords on their web pages, in their web logs (blogs), and anywhere else they talk about themselves. They know that search engines like Google scour the Web looking for keywords they can use to index sites. The more keywords they add to a description, the more frequently they’ll appear in a set of search results. You may not be in business, exactly, but when you create a dating-site profile you are marketing yourself. And lots of prospective dates search for possible matches by entering keywords in a dating site’s search box. When you’re writing an essay, use it as a chance not only to describe yourself but also to help people locate you. Sprinkle in some keywords that describe your hobbies, interests, and values: “scuba diving,” “golfing,” “ecology,” and so on. You’ll not only give prospective dates some help in getting to know you better, but you’ll also ensure that you appear on the site more frequently.
The Absolute Minimum ■ When filling out forms to create a dating profile, describe yourself accurately but don’t be too restrictive about the qualities you’re looking for in someone else. ■ Your initial responses to forms don’t need to be the final answer; you can review and edit your profile to attract more responses. ■ Happy, breezy, and brief dating profile essays are better than detailed ones that are more serious in tone. ■ Include keywords in your essays to increase the chances that you’ll turn up in search results on a dating site. ■ To help write essays, get inspiration by looking at those written by your competitors; try to find qualities and activities that set you apart from the others.
In this chapter
• Understanding why photos are essential to your online dating profile
• Choosing the right option for capturing digital images
• Editing your image to keep file size low and quality high
• Knowing what qualities to look for in an online dating photo
Presenting Yourself: Using Photos A variety of factors go into creating an attractive presentation on an online dating site. Photos may not be the most important part of your profile, but they are the most indispensable part of the entire package. Think about it: You can leave out one or two details, such as your exact age, your income, or how many kids you have. The lack of such bits of information isn’t going to turn many people away, but the lack of a photo will be sure to keep many potential dates from viewing your profile and finding out about you in the first place. Dating sites don’t require that you include a photo with your file. They want you to subscribe, and they don’t want to require anything that might discourage customers from becoming paying members. However, I contend that, in order to have any success with dating on the Internet, you have to have a photo. This chapter will explain how to take a good photo, edit it if needed, and get it online.
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Why Photos Are Important You would think that once you start looking for love and companionship online, appearances wouldn’t count. Many online daters think: “I wanted to try online dating because I’m sick of people judging me or being attracted to me primarily by my appearance!” Technically, your appearance doesn’t count, as long as you are content to type messages to someone. You can have a perfectly good relationship for years without actually laying eyes on the person you’ve gotten to know so well. I’ve worked with people for years on various books and other projects and I know that you can get to be really close friends in a short period of time. If your goal is to meet someone in person and actually date or have some sort of personal interaction, a photo is essential. When you only communicate by email or messaging, you build a mental image of your correspondents. Unless you’re clairvoyant, chances are that mental image is wildly inaccurate. When you meet your friend in person, you are likely to be surprised and possibly let down. And of course, the other person is likely to have the same Many dating sites, reaction about you, too. A good photo will prevent such as the Indian dating surprises and letdowns and prospective companservice Fropper.com (www. ions will know what to expect. fropper.com/cupid-corner/photoIf you don’t include a photo, other members of work.php) claim that profiles that your dating site will be suspicious. They might ask include photos attract anywhere why you don’t have one; more likely, they’ll simply from 5 to 10 times as much ask if you can send them a photo, or fail to attention as those that don’t. Can approach you in the first place. Online daters want they prove this is true? Of course to feel that they have a level playing field on which not. But it’s true that I pay more to compete for attention. If they take the risk of attention to profiles that include including a photo and you do not, they feel you photos than those that don’t, and are being unfair, and this makes them uncomfortI bet you do too. able. That’s the last kind of reaction you want to have when you are trying to get someone to go out on a date with you.
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Considering Reasons to Go Photoless You might wonder if there are legitimate reasons for not posting a photo as part of a profile. The most common excuse is that you are unhappy with your looks, and you are afraid your appearance will cause someone to overlook your outstanding personality. The fact is, if you convey everything you have to offer as well as a sense of your personality and someone turns you down because of your photo, you are probably better off not wasting your time with that person in the first place. Even if you do have some legitimate drawbacks with regard to your appearance, there are ways of touching up photos or using lighting to photograph yourself from the side of your face where such features aren’t visible. If you have acne, rosacea, or another problem with your complexion, you can always publish a black-and-white photo rather than a color one. A floppy hat might help in some cases—it’s possibly misleading, but significantly better than no photo at all. You can, of course, edit your photo to digitally improve your appearance. If you are at all familiar with the image-editing program Adobe Photoshop, I don’t have to tell you how easily and effectively you can erase this or that feature, correct a receding hairline, or improve other attributes. Be prepared, though, for looks of surprise and displeasure when people meet you in person. A better alternative is to improve the technical quality of your photo without changing your actual appearance. See “Editing Your Photo” later in this chapter for suggestions.
A Compromise: Restricting Access to Your Photo If you are reluctant to make your photo public, make it private instead. Some sites keep your photo hidden to all but a group you specify. You might make the photo available only to those who are subscribing members of the site and who can be contacted by email for potential dates. Or, you might provide access only to those who have sent you a “wink” or a “smile,” or who have expressed interest through email. An example of a profile with a restricted access photo typically displays an icon and a message such as “Ask me for my photo” (see Figure 9.1). The option of posting a restricted access photo is certainly better than having no photo at all. It lowers the chances that people who haven’t signed up and who can’t be contacted will view your image. However, you need to be aware that it also reduces the number of responses you will receive.
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FIGURE 9.1 Some sites let you make your photo available only to certain members.
Digital Photo Options I hear it all the time when I’m talking to friends about how easy it is to join a dating site, sell things on eBay, or otherwise engage in online marketing: “I don’t have any way to get a photo on the Internet.” My nontechnical friends assume that you have to buy a digital camera and learn how to use it in order to end up with a photo that exists in the form of a computer file. The cost of buying a camera and the technical challenge of learning how to use it gives them a convenient excuse to do nothing. It’s true that the photos you post on the Web need to be in digitized form—in other words, the visual information in the image needs to be in digital form and saved as a computer file. Digital cameras give you a convenient way to obtain such images and then transfer them to your computer so you can post them to the Web. Phrases such as “post it online” or “post a photo on the Web” mean that you electronically move the image file from your computer to the Dating
Along with being digitized, your image file needs to be saved in a format such as JPEG (Joint Photographic Experts Group), which keeps the file size small and that web browsers can process and display. Most digital cameras and photo processing services automatically save images in the JPEG format; otherwise, you use your imageediting software to save the file.
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Service Provider’s (DSP’s) web servers. Once the photo is on the server, the DSP makes sure the photo is added to your profile. For most sites, the process is like that of posting a photo to accompany a sales listing on eBay. You click a button on one of the site’s web pages, and then locate the image file you want to add from your computer’s file system. Once you identify the photo, you click a button labeled Publish, Add Photo, or something similar, and the dating service moves the file from your computer to theirs. The process of adding a photo to your profile on Yahoo! Personals is typical: 1. You log in to the site with your username and password, then click Update your Profile. 2. When the Create Profile page appears, click Add Photo. 3. When the My Photos page appears, click Upload a primary photo now! (The term upload is a tech-sounding term for moving a file from your computer to a web server—in this case, Yahoo!’s.) 4. When the next page appears, click Browse and, in the Choose File dialog box, locate the file you want to add. Click Open. The Choose File dialog box closes, and the path identifying the location of the image file on your file system appears in the Browse for a primary photo box (see Figure 9.2). FIGURE 9.2 Dating sites provide simple forms that you can use to move an image file to their servers.
5. Click Submit Photo. A web page appears, notifying you that “Your new primary photo is currently being reviewed.”
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Mainstream dating sites like Yahoo! Personals review member photos, not to evaluate their technical quality but to make sure they won’t offend anyone’s sensibilities. If the photo is found to be nonoffensive, it is added to your profile within 24 hours. You should view your profile the following day to see whether your photo has been added.
Scanning If you don’t have the money for a digital camera and you want a device that will enable you to digitize a number of conventional photos so that you can put them online, consider buying a flatbed scanner. A scanner is a device that can take a photographic image and digitize it. The resulting computer file can then be edited in an image-editing program and posted online. These days, scanners are not considered cutting-edge technology. They’ve been replaced by digital cameras, which are generally considered “hotter” in the marketplace. Because they have been around for more than a decade and aren’t as hightech as digital cameras, flatbed scanners can be easily found at bargain prices. If you are looking for one at a rock-bottom price, shop on eBay or at your local second-hand store. But new scanners are so inexpensive that you can find one online or at an electronics store for not much more than a used device. The shopping service Froogle (froogle.google.com) will turn up many varieties for less than $100, such as the ones shown in Figure 9.3. FIGURE 9.3 Flatbed scanners are inexpensive and can digitize paper photos.
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Using a Photo Service Repeat after me: “I don’t have to buy a digital camera or a scanner. I don’t have to learn anything new. I can take a photo out of my photo album and get it online. Or I can take a photo with the camera I have, and have the photo processor post it online for me.” Repeat this mantra ten times until you have overcome your reluctance to post a photo along with your profile (or to create a profile in the first place because you don’t have a digital photo). When getting started with online dating, your priority should be to present yourself in a positive and attractive way. You don’t want to learn a whole new set of technologies. And you don’t have to: Instead, you can have a friend take a photo with your existing camera, and then pay a few dollars to have the photo delivered to you either on CD or online. Having the photo delivered to you on a CD-ROM means you can place the disk in your computer’s CD-ROM or DVD/CD drive and then post it online using your dating service’s method for adding photos. Having the photo delivered online means the photo processing service posts the images to you on its website, usually for a limited period of time. You can then copy the images to your computer so you can post them on the dating service’s site.
Digitizing an image means that the colors and shapes within in it are saved in the form of 0s and 1s that a computer can read. These bits of information are expressed visually in the form of pixels: tiny rectangles that you can see when you magnify a digital photo. The more pixels you have within an image, the greater the resolution of the image, and the sharper it appears. A scanner that has a resolution of 600 dots per inch is able to create a digital image that contains 600 pixels (another word for dots) in width and in height: If you multiply 600 × 600, you get 360,000 total pixels in the image.
At my local pharmacy (one of the big chains), it costs an extra $4.99 to have your photos delivered to you on CD as well as on conventional photo paper. It also costs an extra $4.99 to post the photos online. Since you might only need one or two sets of photos to choose some dating profile images, this is certainly more cost-effective than purchasing a digital camera solely for the purpose of online dating.
Digital Cameras Although you can scan photos or have your local pharmacy deliver digital images to you, you’ll gain the most flexibility if you can purchase and use your own digital camera (or borrow a friend’s). With your own digital camera, you can do much more than online dating. You can sell on eBay or other online marketplaces; you
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can print your own photos; you can easily create images you can post on your own web pages. One of the best things about digital cameras, aside from their flexibility, is their price, which is constantly dropping. You can pay $500 or more for the highest-quality digital cameras—the ones capable of creating images that contain five or six megapixels’ worth of information. But for $100 or $200, you can get a camera that gives you a few megapixels less but that is more than enough to create excellent online images. Remember, you don’t need the highest quality images for online display because of the limitations of most computer monitors. Kodak, for instance, markets a two-megapixel camera that costs less than $100 and will create excellent images for online dating or other websites.
tip If you are a real technophobe and the prospect of transferring image files from one computer to another intimidates you, never fear. Some sites let you email the file as an attachment, or even mail a conventionally printed photo to them by snail mail. Lavalife (www.lavalife.com) and other sites offer the snail mail option.
That said, you should look for some features in a digital camera that will help you look good on screen: ■ A built-in flash attachment. Lighting is critical for dating photos, and a flash can give you the flexibility of taking indoor as well as outdoor photos. ■ Focus and zoom. The camera’s lens should be able to zoom in on your lovely face. Most camera models also have an autofocus feature that ensures sharp images. ■ Memory. Most cameras can either connect directly to your computer through a USB port or contain removable storage media that you can insert into your computer. Either option enables you to transfer your image files (which can be more than a megabyte each in size, depending on the resolution you are using from the camera to your computer) so that you can edit them and post them online. Make sure that the media your camera uses, such as a Memory Stick or Compact Flash card, is compatible with your computer. ■ Megapixels. The temptation is to get a camera with the highest possible megapixel rating. This makes sense if you are planning to print your images on photographic paper and frame them on your wall. If not, a one- or twomegapixel camera will be more than enough. These are the basics, but you may also want to invest in a tripod so you can take photos yourself using your camera’s timer. A set of rechargeable batteries for your camera will also come in handy so you don’t have to replace your camera’s
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conventional AA- or AAA-size batteries every few weeks. One of the best places to shop for digital cameras, or any other type of digital device, is the Internet itself. eBay (www.ebay.com) presents electronics items that you can either bid on (such sales typically last a week) or that you can purchase immediately at a fixed price.
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tip You say you need a digital camera only to take a few images for your dating site, and you’re on a tight budget? Consider buying a disposable digital camera for about $11. Once you take your images, you take the camera to your usual photo processor, and pay about $12 more to get the images on CD or online.
Looking through all the photos on dating sites, it’s easy to tell the ones that have been taken by rank amateurs from the ones taken by people who have at least a little bit of technical expertise. The amateur photos are dark and blurry; the subject may be off-center, or his or her face might be so small that it can barely be seen at all. The ones taken by nonprofessionals who at least know how to use a camera are in focus and pleasant to look at.
Then there are the photos taken by professional photographers. Maybe I’m more sensitive to the nuances of various digital images because I used to work in publishing. But I can always tell when a photo has been taken by someone who runs his or her own photo studio and can control the lighting and background. The lighting is perfect; the background is not intrusive; the features are in focus yet soft. The wrinkles, blemishes, and imperfections that can easily show up with super-high-quality digital cameras just don’t appear. Often, the photos are in black-and-white rather than color. Go to your local photo studio if you have any doubts about your appearance and you want to put your best foot forward, so to speak. A photographer will be able to adjust lighting and choose poses that will make you look better than you ever thought you could. LookBetterOnline.com (www.lookbetteronline.com) offers a network of professional photographers throughout the country; you can either visit a photographer for $129 if one is in your area, or have a “house call” for $144. DR. DATE SEZ… Is it worth the $50, $100, $200 or more it might cost to have your photo taken professionally? If you are able to spend the money, I would highly recommend it. Having your photo taken in a photo studio not only portrays you to your best advantage, but it sends a signal to other people. It tells prospective dates that you mean business, that you are a person of means, that you value your appearance. It also conveys a certain sense of class. Spend the big bucks and give yourself the best possible chance at meeting Mr. or Ms. Right!
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There is an alternative to sitting down for a formal portrait in a studio. Instead, you can take your own photo and send it to an online photo-editing service; the service can then edit your image and retouch it digitally so it appears better. If you don’t have access to a graphic designer or to a friend who knows how to retouch images, shop through eLance (www.elance.com) for a freelancer who would be only too happy to edit your images.
Editing Your Photo The sections to this point have discussed different options for obtaining a digital image that can accompany your dating profile. But simply taking the image is only half the battle. The other half—which is equally as important as taking a good image, but is frequently overlooked by online daters—is editing the image. By editing an image, I’m talking about all the steps that come between saving the image file on your computer and posting it on the Web. Magazines, newspapers, and other publications do this on a routine basis. They choose a good image and then crop it and adjust the color and brightness so it looks as good as possible when viewed on a computer monitor. Not only that, but when you are publishing photos on the Web, there’s an additional step that’s extremely important: adjusting the image so that its file size—the amount of memory it occupies on disk—is as small as possible. Programs like Adobe Photoshop and its less-expensive, more user-friendly version, Adobe Photoshop Elements, enable you to add a seemingly endless variety of special effects and other attributes to image files. (To find out more about each program, you can download a trial version, or purchase the software at the Adobe Systems Incorporated website, www.adobe.com). Don’t publish photos The most common approaches to digital image that include your pets, editing (the ones that are most important to peoyour children, or friends. ple who are primarily interested in online dating) Worst of all, don’t take are discussed in the sections that follow. But first, photos that have people you need to know what kind of qualities you obviously cut out of them. They want to shoot for, the first section describes what make people think you’re cutting makes a good dating photo. out a spouse or ex-lover—which may be exactly what you have done, but you still don’t want peoMakes a Good Photo? ple to think about your past relaYou might be a handsome devil or a smashing tionships at the moment they are beauty queen, but if your photo is dark, low in beginning to think of you. contrast, poorly cropped, or off-color, no one will
caution
What
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be able to tell. A good dating photo has some of the same qualities of a good dating profile or essay response: It’s inviting, happy, and doesn’t reveal too much. More specific attributes are described in the following sections.
Focus Only On You—But Not Too Much of You When it comes time to take your photo, don’t try to do too much. You or your friend should focus on your face and shoulders when you take your photo. Whole body photos are great if your body is one of your best assets, but remember, you want to attract people to you. Zoom in on your face. Don’t get the camera too close to you physically, but rely on the camera’s zoom lens and autofocus to get your features nice and sharp. Take lots of different photos, and choose carefully. Only upload one to three photos to accompany your profile—any more, and people will think you are obsessed with yourself. Remember, you are only trying to attract someone; if you really get to know someone, you can send him or her photos yourself later.
Presenting Yourself in the Best Light Lighting can make the difference in a photo that makes you look like a gloomy vampire and an overexposed ghost. Consider the three photos in Figure 9.4, which depict yours truly. The three were taken at the same session, and the only difference between them is the lighting. FIGURE 9.4 Slight differences in lighting can produce drastic changes in appearance.
Consider taking your photo outdoors at a time when the light is soft and even, yet bright—not necessarily high noon, when you are likely to get shadows on your face, but in the early morning or late afternoon, which are favored by many photographers. In the photo on the left, my face appears sharp and reddish in color (something you can’t see on the printed page) because the flash from the camera is pointing directly
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at me. But the flash produces a shadow around the side of my head and eliminates most of the detail in my clothing. The photo in the center uses two auxiliary lights, pointing at me from either side and above; the lighting is more even overall, but accentuates a feature I’d prefer not to draw attention to—my nonexistent hairline. In the third photo, the auxiliary lights were lowered and pointed at me from either side. Most of the shadows around my head were eliminated; my features are softer and not harsh, and my skin tone is natural. This is the photo I would choose, but I would still crop it and change the contrast and brightness as described in subsequent sections.
Cropping Very few photographers, professional or amateur, can take an image that is perfectly cropped. Chances are you’ll have to open the image in an editing program and crop it. Cropping means that you select the area of the image you want to present, and delete the parts of the photo that aren’t necessary, such as an empty background. Cropping enables you to save what’s most important—your smiling face—and delete things like other people, pets, a stain on your dress, a plate full of food, or anything that will distract a potential date. With a computer graphics program, you draw a container (generally, a rectangle) around the portion of the image that you want to preserve. You then choose the program’s Crop command to cut out the rest. Cropping an image is important not only because it helps viewers focus on you, but also because it reduces both the physical size and the file size of the image. The smaller the file size, the faster it will appear on screen.
Retouching Although it’s misleading to alter your appearance dramatically, you should take advantage of your graphics program’s capability to correct color and slight imperfections. For example, Adobe Photoshop Elements and other photo-editing tools (such as the programs that come with many digital cameras) have tools that automatically correct the dreaded “red eye” caused by a flash pointing directly at someone’s face. You can also correct the color of your face in case the light makes it look paler than it really is. That’s the goal of retouching a dating photo: to make sure the photo shows you as you really are, not necessarily to make you look better than you do.
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Changing Contrast and Brightness An image that has good contrast displays a substantial amount of difference between the dark and light areas in the photo. This doesn’t mean that your photo has to be taken in the bright sunlight, where shadows are dark and sunlight areas are very bright. It also doesn’t mean the photo should be taken indoors under fluorescent light, either. It simply means that there is a source of light pointed evenly at you so that your face and upper body are clear and easy to see. The better an image first appears, the better it will be when you scan it. For example, when the image shown on the left in Figure 9.5 is viewed on shiny photographic paper, the indirect light illuminates my friend Ann’s face adequately. But keep in mind that such images, when scanned, deteriorate in quality. When viewed on a monitor, they might appear smaller and murkier than you intended, such as the version on the right. The quality depends on the size of the screen, the size of the viewer’s browser window, the viewer’s eyesight, the position of the sun glaring at the screen, or any number of factors over which you have no control. FIGURE 9.5 Images that are softly lit on paper will deteriorate in quality when scanned and viewed online.
In Figure 9.5, I am using the Brightness/Contrast tool in Photoshop Elements to brighten the image so it will appear at its best on the Web. Taking a few minutes to edit your photos is like going to the hair stylist or spa before you go out on a date: You ensure that you’ll appear your best, so you’ll hopefully get the results you want.
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The Absolute Minimum ■ You need to include at least one photo with your profile or you won’t get enough responses. ■ If you’re reluctant to make your photo available to anyone, you can “hide” it so it is available only to subscribing members of your dating service, or on request. ■ Choose a photo that has good lighting and that shows you smiling and happy—and alone. ■ Edit your photo. Don’t put it online immediately. Crop it and adjust the brightness and contrast. ■ Consider going to a studio or hiring a professional to take your photo: The extra expense is worth it.
In this chapter
• Looking for sex in all the right places— online
• Joining special communities on mainstream
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dating sites
• Considering sites that are overtly sexual in orientation
• Avoiding pitfalls such as illnesses, spouses, and more
Dealing with S-E-X Like a dieter having to pass candy stalls, hot dog vendors, and ice cream stands every day and decide whether or not to go “off the wagon,” as a online dater you are continually confronting decisions about sex. Of course, if you’re a person of a certain age, this is nothing new. What is new is the method of communication and the range of opportunities. On the one hand, perhaps your goal is simply to meet new people and strike up long-term relationships; sex is important but not your primary objective. On the other hand, if you’re looking to online dating as a way to broaden your sexual playing field, a few carefully chosen words can get you pretty much whatever you want. That includes physical sex, virtual sex by email or chat; video sex; fetishes; extramarital affairs; samesex relationships, and just about everything you can think of.
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The real question about sex you need to ask yourself is this: Just what do you want out of the online relationship? Are you looking for casual sex, or you want a monogamous relationship? Do you want children, or do you want to do some swinging? Just about any dating site enables you to express exactly what you want from sex. If you join an adult community where members have webcams and chat with one another in various stages of undress, you are sending out a pretty clear message that you want to have some uninhibited fun. If you state in your online profile that you are primarily interested in having children, you send out another message. The thing is to figure out what you want and how to get it…and then enjoy it.
Catching the Wave: Surfing for Sex and Thrills Questions about sex take place at predictable intervals when you are doing traditional, real-world dating. After your first meeting, there’s the question of whether you should take a big leap and have sex on the very first date; usually, this is answered in the negative. (This is a generalization, but it’s at least the expectation that usually holds true.) After two or three dates, the question of sex becomes a more real possibility. With online dating, sex can and does happen much more quickly than it usually does offline. At least, that’s the way it seems. With online dating, people who meet by typing messages to one another can achieve a level of intimacy very quickly. After a few hours of exchanging chat and email, they might feel ready and eager to meet in person and get physical. They might feel less reluctance to jump into bed after the first date because they already know one another. This, too, is a generalization, but my general sense is that online dating is bringing casual sex back into the mainstream. A variety of dating services are available for this and other kinds of sexual interests, as described in the sections that follow. DR. DATE SEZ… What I’ve found is that, for some online daters, the thrill of the chase is more exciting than actually settling down and living happily ever after. They like flirting, they like meeting new people, and they have no intention of riding off into the sunset with any one person. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…as long as your partners are feeing the same way. Also keep in mind that, if sex is an important reason for online dating, you need to mention that at some point. You can mention it in your profile, in your initial email contacts, or when you first meet. (See “Including Sex in Your Profile” later in this chapter for some suggestions.) But put it out on the table at some point, and you’ll be more likely to find people who share your needs and are more than happy to explore them, to your mutual benefit.
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Mainstream Sites That Include Swingers I’m using the term mainstream to describe a dating site that attracts a wide range of individuals—not just those with special needs, not just swingers, but people who are interested in establishing a traditional long-term relationship or in getting married, too. Mainstream sites stay in business by attracting the widest possible number of users. They don’t want to turn anyone away. With that in mind, some sites have created online communities that let people who are primarily interested in sex meet one another, and those who are gay or have other “special needs” can meet one another, too. Lavalife (www.lavalife.com) is one of the most popular of such “combo” dating sites. It’s been mentioned in detail in other chapters. IWantU (www.iwantu.com) is another site that has several member communities: ■ IWantU has a dating club for people who want to do conventional dating. ■ An Alternative Club for people who have fetishes or want same-sex relationships. (The site’s guided tour includes the descriptive phrase: “Do you really want to see what whips and chains can do for you?”) ■ An Adult Club for people who are looking for “some hot and erotic fun.” The home page of the adult site has the usual provocative photo of a shapely person along with a very ungrammatical message (see Figure 10.1). FIGURE 10.1 Combo dating sites have separate communities for members looking for erotic experiences.
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Is there an advantage to joining an adult community in a mainstream combo site rather than a site that only appeals to swingers? Your dating options are limited to the community you join; members of an adult community can’t dip into the clientele in the conventional dating community, for instance. But there is an advantage in terms of organization and customer service: A larger site is more likely to have technical support available, and less likely to run into technical glitches. Perhaps the biggest advantage is the number of potential partners: The bigger and better known the site, the better your chances are that you will find someone who turns you on. TALES FROM THE TRENCHES… DON’T OVERLOOK MAINSTREAM SITES FOR EROTIC CONNECTIONS You don’t need to sign up with a site that is obviously sexually oriented in order to find a match, even if your needs are quite specific. Conventional dating communities in the big mainstream sites can deliver what you’re looking for, too. One of the people I interviewed for this book, who asked to remain anonymous, found success on Yahoo! Personals. Her story is explored in more detail in Chapter 18, but here’s a brief preview: “My husband and I enjoy an open relationship,” she explains. “Several years ago, I placed an ad through Yahoo! Personals looking for a girlfriend. I weeded through several responders (maybe 20 or more) before I found one that really struck my fancy. I ended up responding to her once, then again a few weeks later because I hadn’t heard from her. As it turns out, she had been out of the country on vacation and had cleared her inbox on her return. Had I not responded again, nothing would have come of it.” There are two lessons from this story: You can find erotic connections of all sorts on virtually all dating sites, and if you see someone who strikes your fancy, it pays to be persistent.
Sexy Sites Most of the mainstream dating sites are oriented toward individuals who are primarily interested in long-term relationships. Other sites emphasize sex. They sprinkle the world sex all through their web pages, their essay questions, and the articles they publish for their members. Nerve.com (www.nerve.com) is a perfect example. On the home page, shown in Figure 10.2, I counted 21 instances of the word sex, but only one use of love and zero uses of friend, date, or dating.
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FIGURE 10.2 At least there’s no doubt about what members are after at the sexy dating site Nerve.com.
If you’re looking for services that emphasize erotic fun without attachment, Nerve.com and competitors like Adult FriendFinder (which openly emphasizes sex and swinging at www.adultfriendfinder.com) are for you. There are many advantages to looking for sex on such sites. They are far safer than looking for sex on street corners or in brothels, and possibly in singles bars. You get to do a good deal of preliminary screening, not only by perusing photos and audio/video clips (Adult FriendFinder boasts an “Exclusive Nude Video Chat System,” by the way), but by emailing and talking to potential partners on the phone.
Services That Only Pretend to Be for Dating or Sex When you start looking for online dating services that are on the racy side, you potentially open yourself up to organizations that aren’t really what they seem. They seem to be conventional dating sites in which individuals respond to one another’s ads, and the only payment goes to the service itself. However, they are really sites where you encounter foreign spouses for sale. Most often, these are mailorder brides. I probably don’t need to go into great detail about such sites because you are likely to have encountered them already in the course of searching for conventional online dating services. Just be aware that, if you are approached by someone (often, in halting or broken English) asking if you are interested in meeting and
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marrying someone from another country, you’re probably getting in to more than you bargained for, and you may want to move on to another service.
Webcams and Virtual Sex Games The anonymity afforded by dating online from the comfort and safety of your own home can help you tremendously when looking for sexual partners. You don’t have to become immediately intimate with someone. The intimacy between you might occur online. You can be “lovers” in a virtual sense online long before you initiate a physical relationship. And at the same time, people who meet for the first time face-to-face can become intimate much more quickly through online dating because they have gotten to know one another online first. Some sites enable members with webcams to engage in sex games virtually. They can disrobe and engage in mutual activities while talking to one another. It’s a good way to get some thrills without getting into trouble—unless, of course, you are married or have a steady companion. Again, if your significant other is okay with this, so am I. But please be aware that just because you’re not doing it in person doesn’t mean you’re not “doing it.”
Surfing for a Brand-New Family
caution When you start getting adventurous with your ads, you start encountering people who may or may not already be married. Some are cheating on their spouses, while others have an open marriage in which cheating is allowed—or even encouraged by the spouse. The problem is that they might not often advertise that they are married. They might say they live with a “roommate,” or you might even encounter the “roommate” (that is, the husband or wife, or boyfriend or girlfriend) when you go home with them. Try your best to find out someone’s marital status beforehand, either by asking them pointedly or by Googling them. It can be difficult to find out the truth if someone is intentionally trying to mislead you. Maintain a healthy suspicion, and be aware that you might run into a ménage à trois without intending to.
It may take two to tango, but it no longer takes two to make a baby…at least not two who are in the same place at the same time. Arguing over what comprises a coupling will keep the politicians and clergy busy for some time. In the meantime there are plenty of people who want to become parents and raise a child without necessarily becoming involved with the other parent. Again, it’s all about comfort level as well as legality. If you can find a willing accomplice anywhere, you’re likely to hook up with someone online.
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If you’d like to try things the old-fashioned way, honesty is again the best policy. Fair or not, women have the biological disadvantage when it comes to the age factor. So, you might be able to fudge about your age in some circumstances, but if you present yourself as being of childbearing age it’s best if you are in a position to deliver on your promises.
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tip NewYorkMetro.com has published an article on sex and online dating, “The New Position on Casual Sex,” that puts surfing for sex in perspective and focuses on its positive aspects. Find out more at http://newyorkmetro.com/ nymetro/news/features/n_8227/ index.html.
Most mainstream dating sites won’t allow you to describe your sexual habits or even indicate your bottom-line interest in sex. But you can still add some hints to your profile that show you have a healthy interest in sex without turning away people who are looking for long-term relationships. Keep in mind that the big, mainstream dating sites are likely to examine your profile text closely and strike out any terms that they consider to be too explicit or offensive in some way. If you want to get down and dirty Okay, maybe we guys with your description, try one of the “sexual relaneed to take some owntionshipsy sites” mentioned earlier in this chapership of our own ter. Otherwise, it’s a good idea to use buzzwords whiplash when standing that won’t be edited out automatically. “Passion” on the corner, watching is probably the word used most often. Others all the girls go by. I still stand by my include opinion that women who show a
caution
■ Intimate ■ “Great kisser” or kissing ■ Physical closeness ■ Hugging ■ Snuggling ■ Closeness There is a fair amount of self-selection in the online dating world. If you think there’s nothing wrong with being more explicit about the sex life to which you’d like to become accustomed, go for it. There are plenty of sites that invite sex talk
lot of leg and cleavage are, consciously or not, sending out a message. So, ladies, if you aren’t looking for those kinds of responses, be sure to tone down your profile. The fact is that women who reveal even a hint of sexual interest in a profile are going to get lewd, explicit emails from men. Men might get some similar reactions, but females are more likely to receive such emails from males who seem eager to assume that they are being sexually provocative in form responses or essays.
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and are overt about appealing to swingers and people who are primarily interested in the sexuality of a relationship.
Sexually Transmitted Diseases If you’re old enough to play, you’re mature enough cards on the table. Don’t be shy about birth control and don’t be coy about sexually transmitted diseases. Take a look at the year on the calendar and remind yourself that this is no longer the Age of Aquarius and STDs are very common. Keep in mind that you can get some of these diseases (such as genital warts or herpes) without any sexual contact at all. I’m not here to lecture or conduct a medical seminar, but I care about all my readers and urge you to have a plan to keep yourself safe and healthy…and stick to it.
Religious Attitudes Toward Sex Cole Porter claimed that birds, bees, and even educated fleas do it. But even if we all succumb sooner or later to the lure of love, how we express it can vary widely based on ethnic or religious background.
to put your
caution A visit to the Center for Disease Control;’s Sexually Transmitted Diseases pages will quickly put things in perspective. The direct URL is www.cdc.gov/node.do/id/ 0900f3ec80009a98. Go to the main CDC web page, click Diseases & Conditions, and then click Sexually Transmitted Diseases. The page contains news about the latest illnesses and trends reported by the CDC.
The first goal, of course, is to know yourself. Doing a little research about what you were taught as a child or looking around the room at Thanksgiving at the people who were your role models might help you understand why your gut finds some situations attractive and others horrifying. And when you’re getting to know that special someone, finding out where they are coming from in matters of the heart can go a long way toward making you sensitive and respectful of their beliefs and traditions. Then when you eventually combine forces to become a unit (or even possibly to teach values to your children), you’ll have a head start on achieving that physical, emotionally, and spiritual wholeness we all crave.
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The Absolute Minimum ■ You can find just about any kind of sexual relationship online, as long as you know what you want and you look in the right places. ■ Mainstream dating sites that have adult communities are better organized and have a larger clientele than some sites that target people who primarily want sex. ■ Sites that emphasize sex may attract fewer people but you can be explicit with your profiles and engage in special features like nude video chats. ■ Watch out for pitfalls like mail-order bride sites, married swingers who pretend to be single, and other problems. ■ You can conduct virtual sex romps by webcam without having to encounter your partners in person (unless you want to).
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Jumping into the Dating Pool ................
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Email and Chat Room Etiquette
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Instant Messaging and Chatting
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Making First Contact
Meeting Someone in Person
Religious Values and Other Challenges If Things Don’t Work Out
If Things Do Work Out: Planning to Say “I Do” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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In this chapter
• Being proactive and searching out a match rather than waiting for someone to come to you
• Making your dating profile searches focused and effective
• Composing initial messages that invite without adding pressure
• Avoiding mistakes that can turn off a relationship before it starts
Making First Contact You’ve signed up with one or more dating sites; you’ve created your profile; you’ve posted a photo online; you’ve decided to subscribe to a dating service so that you can actually communicate with other people. Now comes the fun part, the part you’ve been waiting for: actually meeting some people. This is where online dating really proves its worth. You get to connect with potential dates and even strike up virtual conversations without traveling, spending money, dressing up, or figuring out how to get from point a to point b. From the comfort of your own home and at your convenience, you can get to know people with no further ado. You don’t have to give your real name or contact information, and you can gracefully back away and move on to someone else if you feel for any reason that things aren’t working out.
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Sound too good to be true? This chapter will make you a believer, as you learn how to electronically flirt with potential dates and strike up your first conversations.
Gone Fishin’—Trolling for Matches How you get to the point of first contact varies, depending on how proactive you are. On one hand, you can sit back and wait for people to come to you. This approach is favored by some women who are convinced that if they make the first move and approach a man they are unlikely to end up with a successful monogamous long-term relationship. On the other hand, most of the mainstream dating sites won’t let you sit forever just waiting for someone to approach you. Even if you haven’t signed up for a monthly subscription, they’ll send you emails with photos and mini-profiles of members who, they claim, are already interested in you. FriendFinder is particularly aggressive in making such approaches. Figure 11.1 depicts a message sent to me that identifies a woman living in the vicinity of my home in Chicago, which seems like a good potential match. But there’s also a listing for a female bowhunter living in Redmond, Washington. What’s the common thread between me and these potential dates and me? Your guess is as good as mine. FIGURE 11.1 You don’t have to go looking to make first contact. Many dating sites will email you potential matches.
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Because you’re out there competing in the dating pool with other people who may be similar in age and background, you should consider being proactive, rather than waiting for email suggestions or for interested parties to come to you. You can either send a flirtatious message called a “wink,” search around for someone to approach, or use your dating service’s matching system if one is available.
Automatic Matchmaking Many of the mainstream dating sites have “automatch” systems that automatically match you with people it considers to be compatible to you based on your profile responses. Typically, you’ll get back a list of five or so matches, and then you can make the first approach to each one. If you use automatch, you can take advantage of a built-in first line: “Well, the auto-match computer has decided that you and I just might be compatible, and who am I to argue?” or something similar. Take advantage of your dating site’s automatic matching system, if one is available. There’s no obligation to follow up on any of the matches you are given. And by simply checking a box or clicking a button to access the system, you might save time and effort and get a date out of the automatic matching process, too.
I’m using the term wink in a generic sense. Dating sites use terms such as wink and flirt to describe a message that shows someone you are interested in them and invites further conversation. Winks are another example of how online dating helps you overcome shyness or timidity: You can let the dating site handle the first communication rather than having to come up with something clever to say, for instance. (See “Winking, Blinking, and Nodding,” later in this chapter for more information.)
Searching for Dating Prospects Another way to be proactive is to search for prospective dates. You enter keywords or other criteria in a search box or form. You then submit the data to the site, and let a program called a search engine present you with a set of results. Searching is probably the first thing you did when you started to cruise dating sites, so I don’t have to tell you the basics. But here are some tips for making your searches more successful: ■ Choose subjective criteria. Every site lets you specify some must-have criteria—criteria that have to be matched in order for someone else to turn up in your search results. If you choose qualities that are factual and definite (for instance, someone with black hair and blue eyes, athletic build, with an
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annual income of over $100,000), the site’s search engine will do the picking for you and might filter out some good candidates. If you choose qualities such as “religious, sensitive, and romantic,” you’ll be the filter, not the dating site, and you’ll have more control over who turns up. ■ If you are open to someone who is not in your immediate geographic area, you are likely to have to search for him or her; it’s unlikely someone from across the country will search for you. ■ Be prepared for a long “hunt.” You might have to go through dozens or even hundreds of profiles before you find someone you want. But if you look deeper than the competition, you’ll find people who might get rejected by others because their photos are dark and murky even though they are very attractive in other respects, for instance. ■ Don’t get hung up on facts and figures. Be more general with your criteria, and you’ll end up with more dates. Yes, you’ve always dreamed of a potential mate who is at least 6 feet tall. But what if someone is a perfect match in many other ways and is 5'11''? ■ Act quickly. Some sites indicate how many days members have remaining on their subscriptions. Members frequently give up and let their subscriptions lapse. If you see someone who only has a day or two left, send a quick message with your Internet email address. That way the person can contact you off-site after their subscription ends. Watch out for boxes that ■ Watch for defaults. On each of the mainlet you search by telestream dating sites, be aware of which phone area code. Such options are pre-checked by the site itself. codes might not enable Unless you uncheck these options, you’ll you to locate people in be going along with criteria that the site exactly the region you want. Many wants you to choose. For instance, some cities include two, three, or four sites check the box next to “Profiles with area codes, and it’s often hard to photos only.” This limits your search to know where one ends and another profiles that include photos and excludes begins. For example, both the north and south sides of Chicago have the profiles that don’t. same area code, whereas the Loop If you don’t remember anything else from this area has a different area code. chapter, focus on these points: develop the habit You’re better off using postal ZIP of being flexible, do a lot of searching, and get codes if you are hoping to search used to receiving only a limited number of for someone in a particular georesponses to many inquiries. At the initial stage, graphic area. you are like a fisherman casting a net in the
caution
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water in the hope of getting a special game fish. You may find a few of the type of fish you want; you’ll probably find many other fish that aren’t the right size or species. Get used to throwing back the fish that are less desirable but experiment from time to time with a new variety of fish you never considered before.
Options for First Contact Let’s assume you have decided not to sit back and wait for men or women to make the first contact with you. You’ve done a search, and you’ve come up with some prospects. You’re ready to let the person know that you’re interested. You’re wondering exactly what to say or do. You can break the process into steps: 1. You send the individual a wink, an instant message, or an email. If you send a message, focus on a fact of interest in the person’s profile. Ask a question about that fact, or mention that you have the same interest or have had the same experience. 2. You move to the next level; you listen and engage the person in a regular dialog. Remember to build on anything positive or intriguing in the person’s profile. 3. You exchange email or instant messages. 4. You start talking on the phone. 5. You arrange an in-person meeting. Online dating doesn’t always work out in a stepby-step way, of course, because these are human beings we are talking about. Think about the inverted pyramid system that journalists use when they are writing stories. You start out with a general statement and move to more specific comments.
Using Your Dating Service’s Messaging System Every DSP has a communication system that it wants its members to use rather than their own email account. There are plenty of good reasons for making the initial contact using the internal system. The primary ones are safety and privacy.
tip Keep an eye on who’s online at any given moment. You’ll probably get an immediate response if you find someone who seems like a good match and is currently logged in to your dating site. You can send such an individual an instant message or a chat message, as described in Chapter 13.
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If you can avoid using your regular email address (the one you get from your Internet service provider, such as America Online, or from a free email provider such as Hotmail), you’ll reduce the chances that someone will be able to track down your real-world address or send you unsolicited email. CASTING YOUR NET FOR MORE THAN ONE CATCH Whether you send an email, use the dating service’s internal message system, or send a wink, you need to decide how many people to approach at any one time. It’s a reasonable question. After all, you don’t know how people are going to respond to you positively or respond at all. It’s not like dating two or more people at once. You are expected to be approaching multiple prospects at a given time, in fact. One reason is that it will probably take someone several days to get back to you—unless, of course, you manage to approach someone who is already online and who replies to you immediately. (If you are looking for an instant response, try to send a wink or a message to someone who is currently online; most of the mainstream sites will inform you if someone has logged in and is on the site.) You might start by approaching three to five people who strike your fancy. If you approach 10 or more people, you make the process more complicated; you have to keep track of all your prospects, remember what you’ve said to each one, and make that many more decisions about whether you want to ask someone on a date or not. Don’t be discouraged if some (or many) people don’t respond at all. Initial approaches are casual and fleeting. If someone doesn’t respond after three to five days, move on to the next person or do another search to see whether any new candidates have joined up.
Winking, Blinking, and Nodding For many people, like me, the thought of flirting harkens back to dances in the high school gym where I tried to be irresistible to the object of my affection and ended up with a blank stare at best and a rude retort at worst. Thanks to online dating, I don’t have to be good at flirting. When you are looking for people online, you can flirt without having to worry about clever remarks, puns, double entendres, winks, arm touches, or the like. You just send a quick flirtatious message. It’s safe and nonthreatening; if someone isn’t interested, he or she just won’t respond. You can send out a group of flirts and see who responds.
Messaging for Insiders Once a wink has been sent, the recipient will typically respond with an encouraging message through the dating service’s own message system. An example of Match.com Messenger, Match.com’s IM system, is shown in Figure 11.2.
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FIGURE 11.2 Most dating services let you communicate internally rather than on the public Internet.
Internal messaging systems aren’t the same as Internet email; the dating service stores and routes messages itself so that anyone who is not a registered user is unable to contact members directly unless they manage to obtain the member’s email address. Many dating services instruct their members to use their own message system for greater privacy. And they’re right. The message system is a good way for members to get to know one another without running any of the risks that plague Internet email users, such as spam, viruses, or hackers intercepting their correspondence. And the internal messaging system allows users to remain anonymous. But because the dating service runs the message system, you don’t have total privacy. The DSP itself can store and inspect your message if it wishes. By switching to email, you give up some of the chance that you’ll remain anonymous. But you gain more control and a sense of freedom. And you can pick up your email from your cell phone or PDA, if you have one that is able to do so. Stick with the message system for your initial communications until you are comfortable with emailing someone outside the service’s system. Don’t give out your address or other contact information, either. BUILDING TRUST THROUGH EMAIL Jared Gray West, who is profiled in Chapter 8, says that he initially connects with people through his dating service’s messaging system, but he moves quickly to Internet email. “In the first message I send to someone, I use my service’s messaging system, because the service (Match.com) recommends you send it through their system first,” he explains. “But I usually put my ‘real’ email address in the body of the message as a sign of openness. It seems like it works for me. It may build more trust.”
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Jared makes a point of keeping his initial contact messages short and open-ended. “It’s important to be yourself,” he says. “I usually try to include a compliment in my message or make note of a common interest. I leave it open-ended, and end up by saying something like ‘I think we would really get along well together; send email through the Match.com system if you want to talk further.’ I don’t want to put any pressure on anyone.”
Switching to Email There’s no rule about when to switch to your email address for communicating with someone rather than using the dating service’s message system. You don’t have to do email at all, if you are comfortable with the internal messaging. That’s the deciding factor: the amount of comfort you have with the system and with the person with whom you are communicating. Switch to your own email software if you like it better than the DSP’s system. The best thing is to have a writing style that is light and breezy while not revealing too much about yourself initially. That last sentence is difficult to achieve online. The temptation (my temptation, at least) is get so excited by a positive response that I start sharing all sorts of intimate details. Think about meeting someone for the first time while reaching for the same martini at a cocktail party. What would be the result if you immediately started spilling your guts about your last love affair or your most recent surgery? At best, you’d be off-putting because you’re coming on too strong too quickly. At worst, you could disclose information that could be used against you.
Instant Messaging/Text Messaging You’ll make a positive impression on a certain segment of the population (read: young and trendy) if you make your first approach by IM or your cell phone’s text messaging system. If you are on the road and on the go, it can be really handy to contact potential dates this way. But instant messaging works only if it’s what you and your potential date want to begin with. Instant messaging and text messaging can be a big invasion of privacy, and you should message someone only after you’ve asked, and only after you have approached them by email first. See Chapter 13 for more on this convenient but also controversial communication method.
What Do You Say After You’ve Said Hello? “Hi” and “hello” are tried-and-true greetings, whether you are sending an email or instant message. (If you want to be really trendy, try opening with “hey” or “what’s
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up,” although that may be out of fashion by the time you read this.) What comes after that? Try the following: ■ Refer to a common interest. “You like salamanders. I have six salamanders. Let’s talk!” ■ Pay a compliment. But don’t be too forward and refer to a physical asset— at least not initially. Compliment someone’s photo in terms of its composition or technical quality; praise someone’s writing style; or play up a talent mentioned in the person’s profile. ■ Comment on someone’s career. Perhaps you do the same kind of work; perhaps you are looking for a job in the area. Don’t comment on someone’s salary level, though, if it is mentioned. ■ Invite someone to share his or her knowledge. People love to instruct and teach when it comes to hobbies or activities they know well. If someone says she is an accomplished chef, ask for some tips; if someone is a writer, ask about any articles or books they have written. End your initial message simply, by giving your last name, and by avoiding such endearments as “Sincerely,” “Eagerly,” “Yours,” “Best,” or the like, which can suggest feelings you may or may not be intending.
Be Upbeat, Be Optimistic Your mind might be on your current money troubles or health woes, but you don’t need to bring any of that into your email communications, especially at this initial point. On the other hand, if you have a health issue that is part of your identity, there’s nothing wrong with bringing it out. I have a good friend who is a cancer survivor and who portrays herself as such when she meets people. This particular issue is especially good because it has a positive outcome and displays my friend as the courageous and strong person that she is. The point is, don’t heighten your deep dark secrets, and play up anything that is good and noteworthy about you.
tip Throughout this chapter and much of this book, I focus on online dating sites because these are the most obvious places to look for companionship. But the same approaches mentioned in this chapter apply to other venues where you can meet people. These include the vastly popular game sites, which bring together men and women from all over the world to participate in a common interest and have a shared experience. After you’ve finished your online card or fantasy game, you might send a message to someone and strike up a friendship that can eventually lead to something more.
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Keep Track of What You’ve Said At the early phase it is okay to have poetic license and use your imagination. At this point, you are telling a good story. That is allowed, as long as you are allowed to confess later and you realize that you will have to account for things that are inconsistent or things that you weren’t totally truthful about.
Reading Email to Determine What Someone Is Like You can find out a lot about someone by reading between the lines of their email messages. Put feelers out there in your initial messages in the form of open-ended questions. There is nothing wrong with keeping a list of conversation topics by your computer, either: sail boarding, volunteering at the food pantry, golf, your children, your Bible study group. When you throw out topics you get responses that you can investigate. If someone responds in an unexpectedly harsh way during an email exchange, for instance, that doesn’t mean you need to make an immediate judgment about that individual, either. It gives you some evidence you can build on: After you have coffee with the person, you can decide whether he or she is a hothead or excessively opinionated for your taste.
caution
What Not to Do Less is more when it comes to an initial message. Say what you want to say in no more than three sentences. Don’t be overtly sexual when you don’t really want to have sex and you have made a commitment to celibacy. On the other hand, don’t be formal and reserved. You’ll get the best results when you are inviting and put someone at their ease. Pretend you’re talking with a trusted friend, relax, and let the words flow.
Being Open While Being Sensible In general, women give out less information than men, and that is for understandable reasons. You
If you are primarily interested in finding a spouse or long-term partner, don’t waste your time with people who message or email you and only want to talk about what you’re wearing, what you’re doing at the moment, where you work, and who try to find out everything about you without actually asking you out. There are a lot of people who frequent dating sites and who are only looking for a fling, and then move on to the next person, having as many conquests as possible without settling down.
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don’t want perverts to know where you live or what your habits are. You want to be able to control who has personal access to you while being aware of who is available and looking. There are plenty of reasons why you don’t want to be perceived as unescorted and alone. WAITING FOR MEN TO COME TO YOU…REALLY? The women who write the well-known The Rules books suggest that women hold themselves aloof. Don’t ever email men directly; wait until a man (or other woman, I suppose) approaches you first. Approaching a man first, they claim, robs him of the chance to be the aggressor, and it just won’t work. I ask: Whatever happened to women’s liberation? As a man, I can tell you that if a woman approaches me first, it’s a pretty cool thing. Many men enjoy being the aggressor, but I’m not necessarily one of them. I always enjoyed dances and occasions where the woman is supposed to approach the man, rather than vice versa. Personally, I think there should be fewer rules, not more. On the other hand, there is some truth to the fact that men who initiate contact are more likely to be serious about a long-term relationship, and less likely to be solely interested in sex or a casual friendship. If they are interested in something more than a fling, women might want to limit their approaches to a casual flirtatious wink here or there. If a man doesn’t respond the first time, move on to someone else. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with approaching someone first, but perhaps women will have better luck if they don’t email a man over and over in an attempt to woo him. Get his attention; then let him do the rest of the wooing.
The Absolute Minimum ■ Rather than waiting for potential dates to make the first contact with you, you can get automatic match suggestions from your dating service. ■ When searching for dates, be sure to specify important criteria in order to filter out poor candidates and highlight good ones. ■ You can use your dating service’s flirt or wink message to approach someone you’re interested in. ■ Start with your dating service’s internal messaging system for greater security, and then switch to email for greater freedom and mobility. ■ Be upbeat, brief, and optimistic when sending your initial contact messages, and don’t lose sight of the ultimate goal of getting a date.
In this chapter
• Striking up friendships and making connections through email
• Learning to flirt, attract, and keep
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conversations going online
• Watching out for turn-offs and mistakes that can end an exchange
• Moving from email to phone talks or in-person meetings
Email and Chat Room Etiquette You’ve seen the profile; you’ve exchanged some flirtatious greetings to show your interest; you soon exchange a flurry of emails. Before long, you can’t stop thinking about this person. You can’t wait until you get to the keyboard. Your fingers fly; you barely think; the words seem to leap onto the screen, along with your heart. Does this sound like a dream scenario? You can make it happen, thanks to email. Instant messaging is a good way to flirt. Dating sites let you send special icons or standard messages to show you are interested in someone. When it comes down to really getting to know someone though, and deciding whether or not you are truly interested, email is where it’s at. It’s your most important communications tool online and an essential part of online dating.
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Making Friends with Email If your email inbox looks anything like mine, it’s full of bids from companies competing for my time and money. Entrepreneurs today don’t stay in business for long without realizing that email marketing is one of the most effective ways to keep customers coming back to their small-business websites. It also can be an extremely cost-effective way to keep in closer contact with customers and build brand awareness and loyalty. Email is a marketing tool. It is a business tool. It is lots of things on the Internet. It can be used to make friends, too. I suggest that you think about this as your initial goal. Don’t use email to immediately try to get married or strike up a long-term relationship. Just use it to make friends. Things like chemistry can develop on their own—if they happen, they happen. Don’t get too hung up on the long-term goals, especially at the early stages. Use email to respond to inquiries, send out feelers, and strike up conversations that may or may not lead to something more.
Checking Your Email Perhaps the single most simple and effective use of email is simply checking it on a regular basis. You can configure your email software to automatically download messages as soon as they arrive at your Internet service provider’s inbox. Most email programs can be set to play an audio sound and leave an icon in your Windows system tray (see Figure 12.1) or your web browser’s status bar (the bar at the bottom of your browser window) so you know right away that a message has arrived. FIGURE 12.1 Let your email application
Outlook Express' "You've Got Mail" Icon
notify you as soon as a message has arrived.
We’re all creatures of habit, so the easiest thing to do is to associate a task with a daily activity, such as before or after a meal. Just don’t starve to death or miss a deadline because you feel like you have to answer every single bit of incoming mail in a thorough and comprehensive manner. It’s perfectly okay to send a prompt reply stating that you’re really glad to have heard from your new sweetie, but you need to take a little time to think about what they’ve said and that you’ll get back to them in a day or two.
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Choosing an Email Program As with dating, it’s not always the best idea to settle for the first option that comes along. It’s true that most computers come with built-in email software. Microsoft Outlook, for example, is free with Microsoft Office. However, this doesn’t mean you should overlook professional email programs such as Eudora by QUALCOMM (www.eudora.com). Eudora has plenty of nice add-on features, such as a “Content Concentrator” that edits your email messages to remove redundant content. Netscape Messenger, the email application that comes built in as part of the Netscape Communicator browser suite, makes it easy to access newsgroups as well as email messages, and it comes with a free Webmail service that you can set up and designate for dating site communications. Click Free Webmail in the list of mail folders on the left side of the Messenger window (see Figure 12.2), and then click Sign Up to get a new, free email address. FIGURE 12.2 Netscape’s email program gives you access to a free email account.
Many dating sites enable you to block instant messages so people won’t try to contact you when you’re offline. The feature tells visitors whether or not you are currently unavailable. Few, if any, sites enable you to block email messages; they will still come through during the period you are away, which is another reason to check them regularly.
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Check, Double-Check, and Spell-Check Because you’re online, you want instant gratification. You want a response now; you want a boyfriend or girlfriend now; you are determined to make up for all the years of heartache and loneliness, all the abandonment and pain. It’s payback time! All of this is understandable, but please, get a grip on yourself and read your message over before you click the Send button, okay? I see misspellings all the time on dating sites and in email messages. While simple typing glitches don’t necessarily reveal anything about someone, they usually make me feel embarrassed for the correspondent. Typos shouldn’t be the final word on a person’s brainpower or level of distraction. They do, however, suggest a lot. One of the things you should do is cut back the word count of your response. It’s tempting to be overeager and write a long diatribe that reveals a substantial part of your life story. But keep in mind that being verbose can be a turn-off. Write a one-page email about what you like to do on weekends, and see what kind of response you get.
tip Use your cell phone or PDA to get your email. Most cell phones and plans now provide you with the ability to retrieve your email at any time so you don’t miss any inquiries from potential dates. Be sure you close your email program on your home or office computer before you try to retrieve your email on your handheld device: If you leave your email application running and your inbox open, your messages will download to the inbox on your desktop computer (if you’ve configured your email application to do this), and you’ll never see them on your phone or PDA.
By all means, use your email application’s built-in spell-checking feature (Netscape Messenger’s is shown in Figure 12.3) to scan your message before it goes out. Do this no matter how much of a hurry you are in to get your message out there. FIGURE 12.3 Make sure you spell-check your email before you send it to the dating universe.
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YOUR INBOX OR THEIRS? Some services offer their own email service along with the ability to create profiles and connect with other people by chat or instant messaging. Should you jump at the chance and use the dating service’s email account, or should you stick with your own email address? It depends on how long you plan to stay with the service.
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tip There’s nothing wrong with getting someone else to review the email you are getting from a dating prospect so they can give you an unbiased, unemotional opinion about the person’s character.
Using Email to Flirt and Attract Time was when a smile, a wink, or a touch on the arm was the signal that you were interested in someone. How do you flirt online without seeming too forward or anxious for attention? Here are a few suggestions: ■ Respond to emails promptly. Finding a personal email in your inbox is like getting a valentine, no matter what time of year it is. So don’t turn prospective suitors into nail biters. If you receive an email, reply right away. Your match will know you’re paying attention, and that alone will make him or her feel special. ■ Remember that a little bit goes a long way. Don’t flood your match’s inbox with pages of spam-type jokes and irrelevant anecdotes. Keep it short and sweet—very sweet. A comment like “Nice abs” or “Cute smile” is short and effective. Even though you’re dying to dive in and chat all day, show a little restraint. Better to leave him or her wanting more than wishing you had given it a rest. ■ Ask an “innocent” question. Ask if he has any special plans for the upcoming weekend or if she’s doing anything on Saturday. Not only will you find out more about what your match does with his or her free time, you may be able to find an opening for a seemingly accidental run-in. You’re going to that new Italian place? What a coincidence! I had planned to go there too.… Get the idea? ■ Hint, but don’t tell all. Don’t spill the beans all at once. Mention that you’re still unpacking your overnight bag and shaking the sand out of your shoes from last weekend’s great adventure. What adventure? Let your match wonder… and send you another email to get the scoop.
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That first point reads “respond to emails.” Remember if someone sends you a wink or a virtual flower, or another built-in way of expressing casual interest in your profile, take it for what it is, casual interest. If you’re looking for someone who is really serious, wait for a thoughtful and friendly email message that shows someone has taken some time and effort on your behalf. DR. DATE SEZ… When you exchange email, it’s easy to develop the feeling of closeness very quickly. Dating online often makes people want to bare their innermost feelings and reveal experiences they wouldn’t tell to friends in casual conversations. Try to resist this impulse, at least in the beginning; if you “let it all hang out” and suddenly someone stops exchanging messages or tells you they don’t want to pursue the relationship, you’re in for a disappointment.
Greetings and Salutations Simply saying “Hello” and “Goodbye” is important in email because you can’t see the individual in person. Greetings convey courtesy and politeness that will get you off on a good foot. That said, you shouldn’t say “Hello” and “Goodbye,” exactly. A light and casual tone works best in email dating communications: “Hi” or “Hi there” or even “How are ya?” work better, as do “Later” or “Ciao.” Some other tips for getting off on the right foot are described in the sections that follow.
Conveying Emotion Newbies (people who are new to the Internet) carry around the impression that email is mechanical and can’t carry nuances of emotion. Not so: You can express feelings that make the difference between a turn-on and a turn-off. For instance, suppose you put all your problems and worries on the line because you are preoccupied with them and can’t think of anything else to say: Hi there; God, I’m so busy with work I can’t breathe; my kid just got a bloody nose at the day care center…those idiots can’t even dry it up themselves—what am I paying them for, anyway? Boy, if my boss gives me one more thing to do I’m gonna give him a bloody nose. Well, the last man who caught me in this mood turned out to be a real loser; hope you turn out to be different.
Maybe this is an extreme example, but the point is, if you’re in a bad mood, you don’t need to let your mood intrude on your attempts to attract someone rather than turn him or her away. Even if you are preoccupied, respond gracefully:
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Hi, there’s a lot going on at work but I wanted to let you know I got your message; I’m going to finish up some urgent stuff and have a run along the lake; hope to hear from you soon!
That last phrase, “hope to hear from you soon,” is a clear invitation that you are interested and you want to learn more about the person you’re emailing. Save that stiff business-like “sincerely” for your work-related correspondence. To end your letter on a flirtatious note, turn up the heat with a “yours,” “wish I were saying this in person,” or even “xoxo.” A light, casual, and friendly tone works with dating correspondence, not a formal or heavy-handed touch.
Look Before You Type: Avoiding E-Malfunctions As far as I’m concerned, email is one of the greatest inventions of the 20th century, ranking right up there with television, twist ties, and freezer bags. But that doesn’t mean email is perfect. Just follow some commonsense principles and you’ll avoid having your privacy violated, meeting Mr. or Ms. Wrong, or getting dumped just when you thought you were on the verge of getting up close and personal.
Watch for Warning Signs Some people are terrific at presenting themselves in print. Accordingly, Rule Number 1 is this: Watch out for someone who seems too good to be true. Begin by communicating via email or instant messages. Look for odd remarks thrown in casually amid other comments: …he was really strange, just like those stupid Albanians… …the game was really surprising, like your choice of dress in that photo you sent…
Also be on the lookout for odd behavior or inconsistencies. Such as someone who says they have two children in one message and three the next. The person at the other end may not be who or what he or she says. Trust your instincts. If anything makes you uncomfortable, walk away for your own safety and protection. You can learn a lot about someone by email. All you have to do is read it closely. Pay attention to displays of anger, intense frustration, or attempts to pressure or control you. Acting in a passive-aggressive manner, making demeaning or disrespectful comments, and any reference to physically inappropriate behavior are all red flags.
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You should be concerned if your prospective date exhibits any of the following behavior without providing an acceptable explanation: ■ Provides inconsistent information about age, interests, appearance, marital status, profession, employment, and so forth. ■ Refuses to speak to you on the phone after establishing ongoing, online intimacy by email. ■ Fails to provide direct answers to direct questions. Try not to make yourself seem too available to someone through email. (At the risk of sounding sexist, I assert that this applies even more strongly to women than to men.) While it’s good to answer emails quickly and answer every message someone of the opposite sex sends, realize that it’s no substitute for meeting someone in person.
caution If you are interested in maintaining your privacy online, especially at the early stages when you are just starting out and looking for someone, de-activate your signature file. A signature file is a set of contact information that email software allows you to automatically append to all of your email messages. If your signature file contains your phone number, address, job title, and place of employment, make sure you don’t send that information to just anyone.
Avoid Turn-Offs One way to avoid problems and help a relationship blossom through email is simply to not bring up topics that people don’t want to discuss online. Some sensitive things are best discussed in person. Bring up the wrong thing, and a guy will think you are preoccupied with marriage and long-term commitment and simply disappear; a gal might think you’re obsessed with sports and drinking and looking for someone more serious. Even if you are concerned with marriage and you do like to visit the neighborhood bar with your friends once in a while, you don’t have to bring that up in an initial email exchange. Save those things for an in-person meeting. Table 12.1 suggests some “do-tell” and “don’t-tell” subjects in an initial series of emails.
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Email Dating Topics
Do Tells
Don’t Tells
Work
Religious beliefs
Best friends
Previous relationship
Pets
Sex—anything!
Hobbies
Marriage
Where you live
Feelings about commitment
Vacations
Ex-spouse(s)
Favorite TV shows
Ex-boyfriends/girlfriends
Popular music
Your soul mate/”dream catch”
Your children
Drug or alcohol problems
None of these suggestions is a hard-and-fast rule, of course. They’re only guidelines, and they shouldn’t keep you from improvising or changing the rules if you encounter someone who seems truly special. Just keep in mind that you can’t greet a dream lover by saying the words “I’m looking for a dream lover,” either in your Don’t ever brag about profile or email. sexual conquests or In the first few weeks of an email relationship, exploits or tell about avoid going into detail about your sexual history. office love affairs in your Just tell people you had a great relationship for a email messages. You never while with your ex-husband, or that “It didn’t know where such casual comments will end up. In December, 2000, a work out” when someone asks why you broke up young, public-relations executive in with someone. Don’t go into details that aren’t London bragged to a few of his soanyone’s business but your own. called friends about a compliment he received from a young woman Observing the Niceties of Netiquette about their intimate relations. The As things progress in your relationship, don’t be friends spread the email, and their surprised if you develop code words for certain acquaintances caused it to spread activities or pet names for each other. Love has a around the globe. The young language all its own and so does email. In fact, if woman became notorious in the you’re relatively new to email, you might think London tabloids and was forced you’ve somehow stumbled into a foreign country. into hiding; the man was disciplined but escaped being fired for misusing Here’s a quick run-down of some terms you’re his office email account. likely to encounter:
caution
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■ Smileys. Otherwise known as emoticons, these are icons that help express emotion in email messages. The well known :-) sequence of characters lets someone know you’re grinning or laughing, for instance. ■ Flaming. This term describes something you want to avoid: A series of email messages in which you and someone else ridicule and argue with one another. ■ Message header. Every email message has a body and a header. The body is the part you actually read; the header is the part that provides information about where the message came from and how it reached you. ■ Quoting. This is the process of including some of a previous message in your response so the recipient can see exactly what topic you are referencing. Netiquette is a form of email etiquette, a sort of “rules of the road” for anyone who wants to make friends online. Where dating is concerned, netiquette rules include being polite, including some sort of greeting and “goodbye” statement, and keeping conversations light and casual rather than heavy and philosophical. For instance, you need to avoid controversial topics, especially in these initial conversations. Don’t say something like this in one of your first email messages, for instance: I see your last name is Bush; I hope you’re not related to our current president, who wasn’t even elected fairly…
Instead, if you want to get into politics or current events, say something bland and nonconfrontational but that includes an open-ended question that invites conversation: I’m really getting caught up in this year’s election; it’s going to be exciting this fall when we get close to election day. What do you think about the Democratic ticket?
Whenever possible, keep your comments light and noncontroversial—not to mention short. Get in the habit of ending with a question rather than a definitive statement, so you invite the other person to respond to you. At all times, be polite and don’t make the other person feel ill-at-ease or embarrassed, even if you do find parts of his or her profile or photo silly or odd.
If you’re confused about an abbreviation or phrase, say so. It’s better to ask for clarification than to assume something is being said that isn’t. Conversely, don’t try to be cute or get lazy to the point that your correspondence looks like alphabet soup. Better to spell things out the old-fashioned way than to risk being misunderstood.
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Keeping Your Email Private You may want to keep your email with prospective dating partners from prying eyes: your roommate, your children, your coworkers, or from casual onlookers. Don’t leave your email inbox password out in the open, or on a sticky note that anyone can read when they pass by your monitor. (It sounds obvious, but lots of people leave their account information out in the open where it can be found easily.) Remember to quit your email application when you are finished; if you leave your email program open on your screen, others who have access to your computer can sift through your recent messages and find out how you’re doing in your dating quest. If you have configured your new email messages to download to your inbox automatically from your mail server, your family members or coworkers might be able to read messages from someone you’re dating before you even see them yourself.
Moving to the Next Level Soon, after bonding by email, you’ll find that typing messages isn’t enough. What, then, is the next step? It’s talking on the phone and eventually meeting in person, of course. When you hit it off with someone by email, you experience lots of excitement and the rush of the possibility that you’re falling in love. I don’t want to be a wet blanket, but realize that the chemistry you develop online may or may not be sustained in person. Someone who is great in writing might communicate poorly in person. When should you start hatching plans for the Big Meeting in person? It’s up to you, but I suggest you get to know one another over a period of weeks rather than days. When it seems like every day yawns by endlessly without communication and you can’t find any reason not to meet someone in person, it’s time to suggest a meeting at a coffee shop or other neutral location. DR. DATE SEZ… No matter how intimate you’ve been online, it’s never too late to back out of a real-time meeting. You don’t need to make excuses or even to have a logical reason. Everyone starts out hoping that this is “the one.” But if your handsome prince or beautiful princess starts to exhibit frog-like features as your meeting date approaches, don’t hesitate to throw him or her back in the pond. It is precisely the ability to collect information gradually before committing to a meeting that makes online dating so attractive. You have the right to change your mind at any time, so go with your instincts.
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The Absolute Minimum ■ Email is one of the best and safest ways to get to know someone and to decide whether or not you want to go out with him or her. ■ When it comes to email, less is more: resist the temptation to tell all. Give a few short facts and end with an open-ended question. ■ Be polite at all times, don’t offend any of your email correspondents, and steer clear of controversial subjects. ■ Remember to double-check your spelling and edit down your messages so they don’t turn off someone.
In this chapter
• Making immediate connections with possible dates through instant messaging
• Making your instant messaging or text
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messaging comments count
• Sending text messages to potential companions via cell phone
• Chatting up a new acquaintance in a private or semi-private chat room
Instant Messaging and Chatting Hold the phone! Instant messaging (IM) is one of the most immediate and popular communications services on the Internet. If you do IM, chances are you don’t think of it as a service or as part of the Internet at all. You probably think of it as a way to get in touch with people through America Online (AOL) or the Microsoft Network (MSN). IM is also a way to make friends thanks to the popular “Buddy System” that is part of AOL: If someone is on your Buddy List, you can contact them instantly, and you can contact their buddies as well—whether they know you or not.
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IM is not the only way to reach others quickly. You can also make connections in a flash with text messaging via cell phone, and by chatting with people in chat rooms. In each case, you achieve a sense of immediacy that you don’t get with email. But on the other hand, it isn’t quite as “in your face” as a phone conversation or an in-person meeting. Each of these methods can be used when you are first making contact with dating prospects—and you’ll find that you can get a date incredibly fast when you use IM to do the asking.
Instant Messaging For me, the waiting is always the hardest part. And email puts you through an agony of sitting around and wondering. You have to wait to get a response to a first message—if you get a response at all, that is. IM removes the suspense. You look around to see if someone is online; you send that person an instant message; his or her response pops up (see Figure 13.1 for an example); and you are instantly engaged in a conversation.
FIGURE 13.1 Instant connections: You can make them if you use your dating service’s messaging function.
IM is so popular that it is frequently combined with audio and video on sites like JDate.com and AmericanSingles.com. Along with typing messages that can be read and responded to in real time, the IM client software employed by these services also allows members to speak to one another through microphones attached to their computers. If members want to go a step further, they can exchange live videos via their webcams—a sure way to tell if someone’s dating profile photo is accurate or not.
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The back-and-forth comments occur nearly—but not quite—in real time. The slight delay is an important advantage; it gives you time to think of something to say or edit yourself before you blurt out something awkward. At the same time, you can overcome the shyness that might grip you when you want to meet someone in person.
Do Your Research IM is immediate, but that doesn’t mean your initial communications have to be offthe-cuff and smart-alecky. If you don’t give any thought to what you’re going to say, you’re almost guaranteed to get no response. And yet, IM’s very nature tempts users to start out with comments like these: Hey! How ya doin’? I was just cruisin around the site and thought I’d say hi. Women in particular receive IM messages, winks, and emails from an endless assortment of interested males. Simply indicating that you’re a rough-and-ready kind of guy isn’t going to engage her attention at all (at least not in a positive way). Take the time to read each profile closely and think about something specific that interests you—a shared experience or perspective, ideally, or at least a quality you admire. If you both lived in Vermont for a time or if you are both involved in politics, you’ve got some naturally insightful topics to mention (although, in the case of politics, you have to be careful not to get controversial too quickly). Expand on a part of the profile that is unique to the individual, and ask a question: Hello, I found your profile interesting, particularly the part about creating an English garden. As it happens, I’m in the process of clearing a patch of my back yard to plant some flowers. Can I ask for some advice about what would have the best chance of thriving and look really nice? Such an approach is almost guaranteed to get a response in the affirmative. Of course, it helps if you really are interested in plants and flowers, because you’re going to have to contribute some information about your own gardening activities, and possibly asked for your own opinions as well. Another approach: Ask a question that simply asks if you can ask a question, like this: Hi! I noticed your ad and was intrigued by a couple of things, particularly about the city of Fresno. Can I ask a quick question? An open-ended, nonthreatening (not to mention nonspecific) approach like this will probably get a positive response too—once you are invited to talk, that is.
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You can also consider openers like the following: ■ A work or career-related comment: “I notice that you’re a programmer. I’ve consulted with some programmers in my own work as a writer, and I admire what they do.” ■ A compliment: “I love your profile and especially your beautiful eyes. I’ll bet they change color depending on what you’re wearing and your mood. Am I right?” ■ A technical question: “Your photo is terrific; it looks like it has been softened to give it an otherworldly quality. How did you do that?” ■ Mention something from an essay response: “You said in one of your essays that you’re an introvert. I took the MeyersBriggs test and I’m a strong introvert. In fact I have one of the rarest personality types. Have you ever taken this test? If so, how did you score?”
Users on most dating sites can block instant messages. Particularly if they don’t want their privacy to be invaded by people they haven’t met as yet. If you send out a message to someone who is listed as being online but you don’t get a response, it may be because the blocking function is in effect. If so, send a wink or an icebreaker instead.
DR. DATE SEZ… The important thing is to initially focus as much as possible on the other person, not you. The more interest you show in someone else, the more likely they are to ask about you, giving you a chance to eventually talk about yourself. IM can be threatening to some users who may not be ready for an instant conversation. Keep your comments brief and nonintrusive so that you can get off on the right foot. And don’t lose sight of your goal: a date. Chatting with someone using IM is fun, but it can be an end in itself for some daters. Use IM not as a way to have a virtual date, but to eventually ask someone out—or at least ask to talk on the phone.
Keep the Conversation Going, But Not for Too Long Once you strike up an instant messaging session with someone, don’t get carried away. IM talks are best when the comments are brief. It’s not the venue to launch into a diatribe about every last detail about your career, your life since your divorce, or anything in depth for that matter. Imagine that you’re having a conversation
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with someone on a long airplane trip. You don’t want to go on and on for hours without giving the other person a chance to respond. Maybe they will suddenly remember that they need to take a nap. Or maybe you’ll become lifelong friends. You will have a better chance of continuing to correspond if you keep comments short and light so that you don’t become an annoyance to the other person. Informality is the rule when it comes to IM. Acronyms are used frequently to speed up messaging. Some of the more common ones include the following: ■ BTW: By the way ■ DOB: Date of birth ■ f2f: Face to face ■ FYI: For your information ■ h/w/p: Height/weight proportional ■ ISO: In search of ■ LJBF: Let’s just be friends ■ LOL: Laughing out loud (used when someone makes a funny remark and you want to show you’re amused) ■ LTR: Long-term relationship ■ n/s: Non-smoker ■ SWNSM, SWNSF: Single, white, nonsmoking male/female ■ WLTM: Would like to meet Eventually, if you and the other person are getting along well, you should ask that person for a date. As usual, there isn’t any hard-and-fast rule that says you should wait a certain amount of time before asking out someone.
Text Messaging Text messaging is the process of sending brief messages to one another by cell phone. You type messages, click send, and it’s on its way. Because it can be a slow process typing messages, individual comments tend to be short and sweet and full of abbreviations. Text messaging is seen by many as a great way to flirt with someone initially. If you are able to attract someone through a text
tip Earlier, I noted that dating site members can block people from contacting them via IM. Most IM software also lets you block individual users, too. If you offend someone by coming on too strong or being long-winded, the other person can prevent future messaging sessions by blocking you personally. So, keep it short and sweet and save the detail for when you actually go out on a date.
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message, you can move on to email, or the phone, or coffee in person. It’s also the preferred method of communication by a lot of young professionals who burn up thousands of cell phone minutes a month and who love talking on the go. By young, I mean 20-somethings rather than 40-somethings. An article on FOXNews.com reported that Match.com’s mobile dating service, Match Mobile, has 67,000 dating profiles, two-thirds of them are male, and 80% are age 34 or younger. The same rules that apply to attracting someone by IM apply to text messaging (which is also commonly referred to as SMS, or simple message system) as well. One difference is that SMS comments are really brief. A dating conversation might look like one of the following examples: ATHLET 25yo Female 5ft10 loves hiking want to txt? This translates as: “I’m an athletic, 25year-old female, 5 feet 10 inches tall, who loves hiking. Want to exchange text messages with me?” 45yo Male Chicago res ISO Female Java lover 4LTR Translation: “I am a 45-year-old male resident of Chicago in search of a female coffee lover for a long-term relationship.” Comments are full of abbreviations because virtually all cell phone providers place a limit on the number of characters that can be sent at any one time. If you’re not used to text messaging, you might be surprised to discover that a lot of your relationship initially will consist of email or text messages. You don’t actually meet in person that often. Text messaging has a set of acronyms all its own, and many of the abbreviations are different from those covered by IM. You don’t want to ask what a particular set of capital letters means, so take a few moments to get familiar with the most common abbreviations:
tip If you love text messaging and want to speed up your typing, consider getting a phone with a keyboard. I bought my own cell phone, the Nokia 6820, because it has a foldout keyboard that means I can type email messages and notes quickly (as long as I use my thumbs). The slightly less expensive Nokia 6800 also has a keyboard but no camera phone. Not all cell phone providers support such phones, however; at this writing, AT&T supports both the aforementioned versions, and TMobile sells the Nokia 6800. U.S. Cellular also has a phone with a keyboard that resembles the popular Blackberry handheld device. Check with your own provider to see if you can upgrade to a “thumb-friendly” phone with a keyboard.
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■ ILU: I love you ■ L8r: Later ■ M8: Mate ■ MorF: Male or female? ■ MYOB: Mind your own business ■ NBD: No big deal ■ NP: No problem ■ OMG: Oh my God ■ PLZ: Please ■ SRY: Sorry ■ TXT: Text or texting
tip This is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to text messaging. You’ll find a good introduction to the often-strange lingo of text messaging on Webopedia at www.webopedia.com/ quick_ref/textmessageabbreviations.asp.
■ WKD: Weekend Some dating services use SMS as a way of quickly notifying someone that a potential date is interested. For instance, consider a quirky and relatively new social networking site called dodgeball.com (www.dodgeball.com/social/index.php), as shown in Figure 13.2. FIGURE 13.2 Text messaging is a way to make friends who might be in your area at a particular moment.
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Dodgeball.com enables people to make friends in a matter of minutes, and to meet f2f (that’s face to face) right away. Here’s an example: A female member creates a list of male members who are attractive. Dodgeball.com sends a message to those individuals. If one of those men responds to the message and indicates that he is currently located within 10 blocks of the woman, dodgeball.com sends a text message and a photo to the woman via her cell phone, telling her that someone on her list is nearby. It also tells the man where the woman is located. Presumably, so they can message one another and meet face to face. Some dating sites also offer in-house facilities such as sending SMS messages that notify you that an email from a potential love connection is waiting in your mailbox. This cuts the response time from an average of 24 hours to as little as the time it takes you to answer a phone call. SMS is also perfect for deaf people who are looking for a match and who are accustomed to typing messages over the phone using TTY (teletypewriter) technology. You can find out more in an MSNBC story on this new trend at http://msnbc.msn.com/id/3078714.
Chatting Up Dating Prospects The other kind of real-time communication method you can use online—chat—is old technology compared to IM and SMS. Chat (or IRC, for Internet Relay Chat) has been around at least as long as the World Wide Web. Like other real-time systems, chat gives participants immediate results. If you’re more comfortable with chat, by all means use it. Online dating is all about choosing the venue and method of communications with which you are comfortable, after all.
Many online daters use text messaging as the ultimate quick, impersonal breakup tool. See Chapter 16 for more information on how to bow out gracefully if things work out in Grimm (rather than in fairytale) fashion.
A chat room is a virtual location that allows individuals who are connected to the Internet to type messages to one another and hold conversations. As discussed in
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Chapter 1, chat rooms aren’t all created equal. Public chat rooms in which anyone and everyone congregate to visit about a particular topic aren’t generally a good place to look for a date. Such chat rooms are usually focused, however loosely, around a particular topic, and people are looking to blow off steam about a particular topic or simply to, well, chat; they’re there for the specific purpose of hooking up. Chat rooms provided by DSPs are viable venues for discussions that can lead to phone conversations and possible dates. The really interesting chat rooms, in my opinion, are the private ones: chat rooms in which two people can meet and type messages to one another that no one else (except, perhaps, the DSP’s staff, if they choose to monitor such exchanges) can see.
Don’t be afraid to try txt’ing (that’s text messaging) people who interest you. On some dating sites, chat and IM are the only ways to get the attention of someone who is currently online.
The Absolute Minimum ■ If you want to be successful at online dating, give instant messaging (IM) a try—most dating services provide a messaging system for connecting with other members. ■ Many IM systems give you the option of communicating not only by typing but also by audio and video, provided you have a microphone and/or webcam connected to your computer. ■ Give some thought to your instant message, text message, or chat comments by researching someone before you first approach them. ■ Keep instant message, text message, or chat conversations brief and nonthreatening; don’t lose sight of the eventual goal of asking someone for a face-to-face meeting. ■ Public chat rooms that aren’t part of online dating services don’t generally provide a good venue for finding a date. However, private chat rooms on dating service sites can help you make connections that lead to dates.
In this chapter
• Picking a good time and location for your first face-to-face meeting
• Making sure that your first date is free of
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shocks and disappointments
• Preparing a smooth exit in case of trouble • Following up your date with a thank-you message
Meeting Someone in Person When you initially get to know people online through web profiles, email, or instant messaging, you’ve got a big head start. You’ve already acquired a lot of information about the person just from his or her profile and from your initial communications. However, the path to an actual face-to-face meeting can still be a rocky one. At many different stages, participants can bail out for one reason or another. It requires a level of trust and familiarity to move to a real-world meeting. As a result, an in-person meeting becomes an important milestone.
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It’s perfectly natural to have expectations—expectations that can be easily dashed if someone rubs you the wrong way because of any number of traits that you can’t imagine over the Web or the phone. You can’t guarantee that meeting someone in the flesh is going to lead to love and romance with that person. Nor should it: On the contrary, this chapter will suggest a different and more realistic goal that will make personal meetings less stressful and increase success—the goal of making a positive, friendly connection with another human being. DR. DATE SEZ… “I go with the intention of possibly making a friend,” one female online dater told me. “I never look for it to go any further than that. If it does, I’m happily surprised. Sometimes it doesn’t, though, and I still remain friends with the people I’ve met.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Choosing the Right Time and Place By the time you and your date have decided to meet in person, you’ve crossed a number of hurdles. You have looked over each other’s profiles (and, hopefully, photos) and found them to be attractive. You’ve learned about common interests and important details by email and phone. When should you move from talking on the phone to talking in the same place? And where should that place As you might expect, be? Such questions are discussed in the sections lunch is the tried-and-true, that follow. most popular time to meet
tip
When Is It the Right Time? At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I have to repeat that there is no rule to follow here. People have met in a matter of days after their first online contact and ended up dating for years; others have met in person after four weeks of email and phone conversations, and ended up getting married; others have taken months and months to meet in person, and broken up after having had a successful long-term virtual relationship. You don’t need to wait a long time; when you feel the phone and a few photos or
for an initial date. A lunch meeting or an informal coffee held before or after the lunch hour doesn’t carry the same sense of pressure that, say, a dinner date might. You don’t have to worry about reservations, the cost is low, and you don’t run the risk of having someone be put off by slow service, food that’s cooked badly, or an overpriced meal. Wait until the second or third date to have a dinner meeting.
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video images have told you all you need to know about someone, you can propose meeting in person.
The Informal Approach If you keep your expectations low and have as your goal a congenial conversation over a cup of coffee, it’s easier to decide on the time. You’re putting less pressure on yourself and the other person, after all. You can go to a face-to-face meeting as a matter of course; after a few instant messages and email exchanges, you just ask someone if they want to meet at a coffee shop or at another location that is connected to a common interest. It doesn’t have to be any more complicated than that.
The Patient Approach That’s the informal approach, and it’s one that makes sense for many people, but it may not be your cup of tea. You might be the sort of person who needs all the ducks to be in a row before your make a move. You only want to meet people in person if you’re serious about them. You might decide it’s the right time only if you experience one or more of the following signs: ■ You can’t stop thinking about the person and looking at his or her photo. ■ You are considering moving to another location in order to be closer to that special someone. ■ You’ve put your match on speed dial and assigned him or her a special ring tone. ■ You are beginning to annoy your friends by talking incessantly about your web match. The big barrier to meeting face-to-face, for women, is the question of whether you can trust the other person. If you meet in a public place, keep your meeting short and sweet, and tell someone you have to head off to another appointment at a definite time, you won’t run into safety issues. You’ll have some evidence on which to judge the other person, and you’ll hopefully have had a nice encounter with someone that day.
Zeroing In on the Right Place It’s hard to think of online dating as being old enough to have a tradition, but the traditional place to get face-to-face with someone you’ve gotten to know online is a coffee shop. That doesn’t mean you have to meet in a coffee shop, of course. I know of first meetings that have happened in bars, bookstores, museums, miniature golf
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courses, and the like. The important thing, for both parties to feel at ease, is that it is in a public place. When in doubt, go for a coffee shop, which is safe, informal, and usually populated by other people. If you pick a local, out-of-the way coffee shop rather than Starbucks or one of the other chains, you’ll be showing someone a bit of your neighborhood; you can explain why you like the atmosphere of the place or maybe talk about its history (not your history with previous dates, however) and you have a ready-made icebreaker. The Internet can help in many ways with choosing a location. You can consult the online versions of local newspapers for suggestions of restaurants and cafés. If you’re lucky, you might find an article full of recommendations especially intended for people on a first date, like the one from the Cairns, Australia newspaper shown in Figure 14.1. You can also locate that special place by consulting Yahoo! Maps (http://maps.yahoo.com) or Map It! By MapQuest (http://clients.mapquest.com/ tvmain/tvmain2/mqtripplus?link=tvmain). FIGURE 14.1 Look to online versions of local publications for restaurant and café recommendations.
tip One of the nice things about online dating is that you get significant issues out on the table right away. If you don’t want to have kids, you can state that in your profile. If you are a single parent with kids or have been seriously ill, you can mention that too. But if there’s something you haven’t disclosed yet that might surprise someone when you meet them in person the first time, better spill the beans before that meeting occurs. You don’t want to have surprises that will cast a shadow over your first encounter. If you haven’t exactly been truthful about your hair color or other physical attributes, give the other person a chance to get used to the idea of what the real you is like.
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Meeting Face to Face If at all possible, try to get a realistic snapshot or two of the person before you meet him or her. Realize that people aren’t exactly the same in person as they are on the phone or a webcam. Also be sure to exchange cell phone numbers (seriously consider getting a cell phone, if you don’t already have one). If one of you is delayed by traffic or gets lost on the way to the meeting, it’s essential to call the other person to let them know what’s happening. If you keep someone waiting 10 or 15 minutes without an explanation, they might assume you’ve backed out and leave.
Picking Up on Visual Cues In a first face-to-face encounter, your outfit really counts. Your date has probably only seen you from the neck up or from the waist up (unless you have posted some full-length photos online). The clothes that you pick depend on your taste and your circumstances. If you are meeting for lunch in the middle of the work day, you should obviously show up in your normal work garb. Otherwise, just come in what makes you look good and what you feel comfortable in. That said, you want to convey that the meeting is important. Take a shower, comb your hair, clean your fingernails, and brush your teeth. Make sure your clothes are clean and not wrinkled so that you don’t look like you just ran over from working out or rehabbing your home. (This advice is for you guys.…) Here, too, the Internet can provide you with some sage advice. Guys can benefit from the tips on the AskMen.com website shown in Figure 14.2. The “What to Wear on a First Date” article (www.askmen.com/fashion/fashiontip/ 30_fashion_advice.html) includes some tips that might seem obvious, such as “tuck [your shirt] in your pants,” but it includes some useful ideas as well. You’ll find equally relevant articles such as “The Best Colognes and Jewelry for Men” on the site. If you and your date have never met before, you’ll need to decide how to recognize each other. You might distinguish yourself by a brightly colored piece of clothing, a hat, carrying a book, a briefcase…just pick something that is clearly identifiable so that you don’t end up tapping the shoulders of other people before you encounter the one you’ve arranged to meet.
tip If you are meeting in a crowded nightspot or a public location where lots of people have assembled, cell phones are a must-have for locating someone.
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FIGURE 14.2 Many websites provide basic advice on social issues, such as dating, for men or women.
Once you’ve found your date, be prepared for a shock. Very few photos or grainy webcam video images convey how someone actually looks in person. As the saying goes, don’t sweat the small stuff: Try to keep your mouth from falling open in surprise either because the person is better-looking or less attrac- Suppose that someone tive than you expected. You’re there to have a looks totally different conversation, not judge a beauty contest. Smile, from his or her photos and descriptions, and not shake hands, and sit down somewhere so you in a good way. If you can can visit. Start out by referring to parts of the readjust your expectations, you can profile that you’ve read and liked. give them the benefit of the doubt and maybe the characteristic that the Right Questions was formerly important to you Once you sit down and start to visit, you’ll find won’t be a deal-breaker after all. Of that you have a significant advantage over those course, the bottom line is that who are on a blind date: You already know one you’re under no obligation to stay another, and you have things to talk about. You for even a minute with someone don’t need to engage in idle chit-chat (unless you who published a misleading profile. want to, of course). You’ve probably gone on a But if you explain to them just how job interview or prepared an oral presentation for unhappy you are and why, they might clean up their act in the school. Use some of the same techniques. Make a future. One can only hope.… point of remembering some of the topics
caution
Asking
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discussed in your previous exchanges so that you can bring them up and have about a conversation. If you find yourself at a loss for words, ask questions. What do you think of this place? Did you have to come far in order to get here? Hopefully, you’ll be having such a good time that you won’t want to leave. That’s good, but don’t follow that impulse. It’s better to part company while you are in a good emotional state and willing to talk further than belabor a meeting and run out of energy.
Preparing an Exit Strategy The term exit strategy is normally used for military campaigns. Before you start something as difficult and costly as a war, you should have a clear notion of what constitutes success, and a plan for withdrawing your forces. (At least, that’s the idea.) Before you embark on a date, you should also have an exit strategy in place—a plan for ending the date so you don’t have any awkward disagreements that can put a damper on an otherwise good interaction. Exit strategies make sense for women especially. Women have good reason to be wary of meeting someone in person for the first time. You probably are all too familiar with the worst that can happen because such incidents end up making the evening news. They involve kidnapping, sexual assault, and worse. But such disasters are rare, and they won’t happen if you take the obvious precautions of meeting during the day and in a public place. You are far more likely to run into awkward moments like these: ■ You leave the restaurant or cafe and go to your car. The man accompanies you and opens the door. “Well, what would you like to do now?” the man asks. You’d like to talk some more, so you say, “I don’t know, what would you like to do?” “How about getting a hotel room?” the man asks. ■ You didn’t drive and you didn’t arrange to have someone pick you up. The man insists on giving you a ride home. You say no. The man insists, and an angry exchange ensues: end of relationship! You can easily avoid such moments by taking a few simple precautions.
Tell Someone Where You’re Going One of the things that makes meeting someone potentially scary—even if you believe you know the person well from email and phone conversations—is the feeling that you’re going out on your own. There’s no need to be isolated, however. Just let a family member or trusted friend know where you are going, and arrange to call them when the meeting is over. You’ll probably want to tell someone how things went, anyway, so this will give you a convenient chance to check in.
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Arrange an Escort It’s not at all uncommon to arrange to have friends go along with you on the date. This can happen either openly or surreptitiously. I know of more than one instance in which a group of girlfriends essentially dragged their friend along to meet the guy with whom she had been corresponding online. In one instance, the man was with a group of his friends at a neighborhood bar, so it wasn’t an awkward situation. You can also have your friends arrive at the restaurant or café before you do and sit in a corner, watching for signs of trouble. If something goes wrong, you can call them over, or tell your companion you’re going to visit with them. LET FRIENDS AND FAMILY KEEP WATCH Nancy Sommers, who is profiled in Chapter 19, has met at least 10 men in person as a result of encounters through online dating sites. She has never had any serious safety issues—but then, she has taken some healthy precautions, too. “The first time I went on a date, my daughter told me to call her as soon as I got out of the restaurant,” she says. “I still do that sometimes. Another time, a group of my friends went to the same restaurant and sat at a nearby table without the man knowing about it. If I got into trouble or needed to leave, I could always tell him, ‘Oh, look, there are some friends of mine; I’m going to go over and see them.’ I didn’t have to do that, but it was good to know they were there.”
Arrange a Way to Get Home You can also arrange to have a friend or relative meet you at the designated location at a specified time. This lets you tell the other person that you can meet with him or her for, say, half an hour, at which point you’re going to meet a friend to go shopping or pursue some other activity. This way, there’s no chance of an awkward end to the date—unless, of course, neither one of you wants to leave. If that’s the case, you can arrange to meet the next day, or even later that evening.
Follow Up with a Message Once your first date is over, it’s a good idea to follow up with an email message. Thank the other person for the date and tell them what you think: If you are sure the relationship has no chance of going any further, say so. It can be hard to do this, especially if you were perfectly friendly and happy and gave no indication that you were dissatisfied in some way. But it’s better to be honest about situation up front rather than leading on someone.
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On the other hand, if you aren’t sure what you think, don’t respond right away. Give yourself some time to make an assessment. Even if the date went really well, you’ll probably need time to settle down and gather your thoughts.
caution
Eventually, the two of you can agree to proceed in one of a number of ways: ■ You agree to go out again ■ You agree to call it quits ■ You not only want to go out again, but you decide to stop looking for other dates If you decide on the latter option, good for you— but don’t end your membership with the dating service immediately. Keep your membership open just in case things don’t work out and you need to get back on the dating horse once again.
Don’t get too attached to someone too quickly. And don’t be surprised if the other person doesn’t share your initial enthusiasm and would prefer to “shop around” rather than going out with you alone. Just as you probably have three, four, or more dating possibilities you are investigating, the other person is likely to be in the same situation.
The Absolute Minimum ■ Keep your expectations low when planning a first date; maintain the realistic goal of having a positive experience with another person; anything more will be “gravy.” ■ Meet someone in person when you feel you have learned all you need to know about them from their profile and from email and phone conversations. ■ Choose a local, well-traveled place such as one of the big chain coffee shops, for your first date. Save dinner for subsequent dates. ■ Don’t overdress for a first date; wear what you usually wear, but make sure that your clothes are neat and clean (and so are you). ■ Have an exit strategy in place—a plan for getting a ride home or meeting friends that you can fall back on in case of trouble such as a disagreement with your date. ■ Women should consider telling a friend or family member where they are going and plan to call them after the date for added safety.
In this chapter
• Searching for a spiritual soulmate on large dating sites and on more specialized venues
• Creating profiles that express your spiritual
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beliefs without turning people away
• Searching for Bible-study partners, as well as life partners
• Exploring Jewish, Buddhist, Hindu, and other dating site options
Religious Values and Other Challenges Spirituality isn’t necessarily a critical consideration when forming a relationship. For many people, religious background and practices aren’t a big factor. However, if you consider yourself a spiritual person and if religion is an important part of your life and your day-to-day activities, your partner’s beliefs assume great importance. Online dating gives you a big advantage if you are looking for someone who shares your spiritual beliefs or who meets other sensitive criteria such as race or sexual orientation. You know up front from a person’s profile just how important religion is and what belief system he or she follows. You find out about some other potentially sensitive qualities before you ever contact the individual, too. This chapter gives you some specifics on finding a compatible companion in categories regarding beliefs and lifestyle.
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Sharing Your Religious Beliefs One of the goals of online dating is to define your identity and to respectfully discover the values shared by another person. When it comes to online dating, it’s remarkably easy to determine spirituality, long before you meet someone in person. For many religions, it’s a necessity to find someone who is of the same faith. If you are, let’s say, a fundamentalist Christian, devout Jew, or committed Hindu, chances are you are looking for someone who is of the same persuasion. It’s also likely that you are seeking a long-term exclusive relationship that may well end in marriage, rather than a multitude of casual friendships. You have probably attended some church picnics or potluck dinners in the hope of finding a mate—but the number of possibilities is limited by the size of the congregation and the number of members who are single and eligible. Praying to find the right someone isn’t enough. You have the advantage of being able concurrently to enlarge your options while at the same time focusing your inquiries by looking online. It helps if you sign up with dating services that are geared especially for your religion of choice.
Shopping for Religious Dating Venues A strong conviction with respect to a set of religious beliefs can help you tremendously when you start dating online. Chances are you know what you want in life. You also probably have a good sense of who you are and are comfortable with your identity. A thorough knowledge of your tradition’s teachings also gives you an instant conversation starter. Joining an overtly religious dating site allows you to broadcast your beliefs in your profile and your essays. For instance, Christian Soulmates (www.christiansoulmates.com) asks essay questions like “How did you become a Christian? What are some of the influential events in your life?” There are two types of religious dating sites: ■ Sites affiliated with the big dating services. You can tell from the look of the site that it is part of a bigger chain of dating services. JewishFriendfinder (www.jewishfriendfinder.com) looks like other sites in the FriendFinder complex of dating sites, for instance. These religious sites tend to be more generic and less focused than those that focus on only a single religion. ■ Independent sites. These are religious dating sites set up specifically for that religion. They are not affiliated with another dating site. They tend to be more narrowly focused than the big sites. For instance, UrbanTraditional.com targets Orthodox Jewish urban singles (see Figure 15.1).
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FIGURE 15.1 Independent dating services are often focused on a narrow audience.
I’m not going to say one or another site is better for your needs. A narrowly focused site that has only 20 or 30 members won’t give you as many good options for finding the right one as a less focused site that has thousands of members. Because both types of sites allow you to create a dating profile for free, it isn’t an either-or choice. Try one of the big sites, and try one of the independent sites as well.
Christian Sites This is the most extensive category because the term Christian encompasses a huge number of different denominations. A few of the larger denominations have their own dating services: ■ LDS Singles Online. (www.ldssingles.com) This site is more thoroughly tied in to the language and belief system of its target audience than other Christian sites. Participants are encouraged to develop a Celestial Relationship with one another and with God, for instance. The site also arranges travel events for members who want to meet in person. ■ CatholicMingle. (www.catholicmingle.com) Except for the focus on Catholic singles, this is like any other dating site on the Web: members post profiles, conduct chats, and answer generic essay questions like “What I’d like to do on a first date…” and “Past relationships have taught me….”
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If you belong to another type of Christian denomination or if you want more features that target dating prospects who count spiritual beliefs as important to them, you might consider a Christian dating site with a wider focus that lets you search for other Christians.
Searching for Other Christians One of the many advantages of searching online is the ability to focus on personal attributes that might not become apparent right away through traditional dating. The strength of one’s spiritual beliefs is one of those attributes. Some dating sites specialize in bringing together singles who identify themselves as belonging to a particular church. For instance, BigChurch.com lets you search for Christians by their individual denomination, and the range of denominations is quite extensive: ■ Adventist ■ Anabaptist ■ Anglican ■ Church of Nazarene ■ Friends (Quakers) ■ Mennonite ■ Shaker
I don’t want you to get the idea that you have to be especially devout or fervent about your religious affiliation in order to join one of the religious dating services mentioned in this chapter. Typically, the sites enable you to describe just how important religion is to you, and many of the profiles include comments that indicate the person is only casual about attending services, or that religion is not terribly important in one’s life. You can join up and search for dates who are the same religion as you, but don’t necessarily attend Bible studies every night of the week, for example.
■ The Way ■ Unitarian The range of options for describing your relationship with God or the importance of spirituality in your life is typically extensive on this and other sites. Options on BigChurch for describing how important God is to you are as follows: ■ He is my life, my reason for being. ■ I am building my relationship with Him. ■ I go to church and am learning about Him. ■ I don’t believe in God right now. ■ I am uncertain.
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If you don’t see an option in a drop-down list or set of check boxes that describes your own feelings or beliefs, make sure that you can write an essay that explains your outlook.
Searching for Bible Study Partners When you begin to look at religious dating sites, you discover some unique features that help you focus on just the kind of relationship you need. It might not involve marriage, either. For example, BigChurch.com’s home page looks suspiciously similar to the FriendFinder chain of dating sites. It does, however, make some concessions to the needs and interests of its target audience. The home page, for instance, includes a brief search form that enables visitors to find a man or a woman. But there’s also a search form that lets you to search the Bible (three versions) for specific verses (see Figure 15.2).
Finding someone who is of a like mind is only half the battle. The other half is getting to know that person. Chatting online can give you a way to meet someone informally; many religiously oriented dating services provide chat, instant messaging, and email just like general-interest dating sites.
FIGURE 15.2 A dating site with a difference: BigChurch gives members this Bible-verse search form.
There’s another search function on the BigChurch site that is more relevant to those of you looking for companions who share your faith. If you click Browse in the toolbar that appears on virtually every BigChurch page, you go to the Browse by
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Category page. This page lets you browse through the profiles on the site, which are organized by the usual groupings (men seeking women and women seeking men; don’t look for same-sex offerings here) as well as two others: pen pals, and Bible study and prayer partners. These are people who have created dating profiles and who are looking for companions. They also have also indicated in their profiles that they are open to being pen pals or Bible-study partners. Such relationships can be platonic; they can also lead to dates. If you are looking for a Bible-study partner in your area or in a particular age range, you can narrow your search by those criteria. BigChurch uses the term activity partner to describe Bible study and prayer partners (see Figure 15.3).
tip Faith and prayer can help you a great deal when you are dating online. If you encounter rejection (and you will), or if a once-promising relationship falls apart, turn to your religious beliefs for solace. Use your belief in a supreme being to reassure yourself that you are a good person and that you’ll eventually find the relationship—the human relationship—you seek.
FIGURE 15.3 BigChurch lets you search for Bible study partners in your local area.
Jewish Sites When it comes to Jewish dating sites, one stands out as the most popular and bestknown: JDate.com (www.jdate.com), which is usually referred to as JDate. This site claims that “one out of every 10 Jewish singles,” is a member, which seems hard to
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believe, although there’s no denying that, with an estimated 500,000 members, the site is highly popular. A part of the site called “Hooking Up & Helping Out” takes an interesting approach to singles events—volunteerism. What better way to meet people, have a shared activity, and do something positive than to restore a synagogue, hold a benefit sale, counsel teens, or do something else that is public-spirited? An example is shown in Figure 15.4. FIGURE 15.4 Singles can meet one another and share a positive experience through volunteering.
Like other dating sites, JDate lets you create a profile for free, but until you actually subscribe, you can’t initiate contact with another member. However, as a free member, you can send a flirtatious message, which JDate calls a tease. You can also reply to instant messages that a member sends you. And you get invitations to events and trips arranged by JDate. Subscription rates are a little higher than those of other popular services, however: ■ One month: $34.95 ■ Three months: $99.95 ■ Six months: $149.00 The instant messaging (IM) option is especially good for trial members. The IM system is easy to use, and a symbol next to a member’s screen name tells you whether they are online so that you can message them. But if you are at all serious about finding a date, it’s to your advantage to take out at least a one-month membership: People who receive a tease usually assume that the sender is not a subscriber.
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Subscribers can send a tease in return or an instant message. But if the person you tease is not a subscriber, you’ll just tease each other without being to communicate at all—and that’s no fun.
caution
Other Religions Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, and those of other religions are just as focused on finding the right partnerships. Some sites are set up especially for their interests, too. Some, like Spiritual Singles (www.spiritualsingles.com), cover many different religions. Others cover more specific belief systems: ■ Hindu East Indian Dating Service. (www.gpsn.com/hindu-singles.htm) Many of the members are not from India, but are located in countries around the world.
JDate differs from other dating sites in several respects. One notable feature is the ability to keep track of people who have perused your profile without actually approaching you—or to track all of the dates someone has examined, whether or not simply viewing the ads turned into anything more. Be sure to deactivate such features if you regard them an invasion of privacy.
■ Al-usrah.net Matrimonials: Muslim Matrimonal Service. (http://al-usrah.net/matrimonials/) The focus is, obviously, on traditional marriages “in order to complete a happy family and form half of their religion,” according to the site. ■ Muslim Dating.net. (www.muslimdating.net/) This site doesn’t seem as oriented toward marriage as, for example, the previously listed site. ■ DharmaDate. (www.dharmadate.com) Happily, members are allowed to specify which types of Buddhism they practice right in their profile.
Race and Other Qualities Whether you are talking about religion or ethnicity, you aren’t just isolated on another planet with your beloved. This is where family values can be a conscious or unconscious block and the prejudice of the culture can interfere with your
caution The same danger of restrictiveness that applies to all dating profiles applies to Christian dating profiles even more. I know I said earlier in this chapter that you should mention your religious beliefs in your profile and your essay question answers. And that’s true. However, if you make your essays full of religious jargon that is fervent and preachy, you can actually turn people off. Such comments can easily seem preachy and insincere. Keep your comments general, and save the deep spiritual discussions for actual dates.
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happiness if you let it be an impediment. Race, like religion, can be an important consideration when searching for a date, but it doesn’t need to be an obstacle. Most of the big dating sites, such as Match.com, Yahoo! Personals, American Singles, Tru, and uDate.com, allow you to specify your ethnic tradition in your dating profile. And the big dating sites all let you search for members by the ethnic group with which they identify. If you are looking for Native American, Latino, African American, or other dates, you can join a site that’s designed especially for such individuals. Just go to Google (www.google.com) and search for “Native American dating,” “African dating,” “African American dating,” and the like. DR. DATE SEZ… If you are attracted to someone who others in your geographic community wouldn’t find attractive, online dating allows you to go for it. So, my advice is to stand by the strength of your convictions. With chat lines and discussion groups to offer you support, you and your beloved can make a special place for yourselves. The good thing about being human is that we are all different, and there’s no joy more profound than finding a special someone with whom to share your vision for a brave new world. As long as you are being honest with yourself and your new love, may you live happily ever after.
The Absolute Minimum ■ If you are a spiritual person and your religious beliefs are important to you, consider joining a dating site devoted to bringing together singles who share your beliefs. ■ You can search the bigger dating sites for members who are the same religion as you, but you might have better luck joining a site that’s narrowly focused on one type of religion. ■ Most religious dating sites give you the option of specifying how important your spirituality is to you. Be specific but don’t be too fervent or preachy, lest you turn away potential dates. ■ All online dating services allow members to describe themselves by race. If you are looking for someone with the same ethnic background, you can search by race on one of these general sites. With a little looking, though, you can probably find a service that is targeted to your ethnic group.
In this chapter
• Learning to keep goodbyes brief and impersonal in the early stages
• Making your turn-downs courteous yet firm
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in the later stages
• Dealing with online rejections • Correcting your profile to reduce frequent rejections
If Things Don’t Work Out I’m generally a good communicator, but I have one big weak spot: saying no. On the flip side of the coin, I also have a problem dealing with rejection. The cold, hard fact is that you’re going to have to get really used to being in both situations if you want to do online dating. Sooner and also later, you’re going to have to let another person know that you’re not interested in them. In fact, you’re going to be hitting the reject button far more often than you are going to respond with a yes to one question or another. In the course of browsing profiles, responding to inquiries, and chatting with casual acquaintances, you’re going to be asked out, you’re going to be approached for sex, or you’re going to be pressured to talk about subjects you may not want to share. Get used to it, and follow that tried and true advice: just say no.
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Of course, these words of wisdom are easier said than done. Words of rejection do hurt us on some level, whether they’re spoken or sent in an email. Plus, it’s easy to let your imagination run away with you, especially when you’re a beginning online dater. You tend to assume that you’ve developed a relationship with another person, and then go on to hope that it might turn into something more. So, although the not-so-good news is that breaking up online isn’t always easy, this chapter gives you some tips on dealing with “no.” It also offers some suggestions for saying no that will help you get what you want without causing undue emotional distress or spreading ill-will.
Saying Thanks, But No Thanks Dating online brings you many prospects in a short period of time—more than you can possibly date unless you decide to forego sleep. Your ability to judge someone’s character is based on typed messages and details in a web page dating profile. In the early stages, at least, you don’t have nonverbal signals such as gestures, facial expressions, or tone of voice to go by. You’re going to end up rejecting lots of people before you ever get to talk to them on the phone or meet them in person. The good news is that online dating gives you countless ways to leave your prospective lover. In fact, you don’t even have to speak to them either in person or on the phone. Sometimes I think that email was invented to be the perfect medium for breakups. (Chat and instant messaging are so informal that breakup messages in this mode seem a little rude, in my opinion.) Another bit of good news: “No” is so common in online dating that you don’t feel the same impact that you do in traditional, offline wooing and courtship. Online daters go into the game with the expectation that no is a word that they are going to hear often; don’t be afraid to say it—and be prepared to hear it yourself without letting it offend you personally. However, there are different ways to say no, and different points at which you have to give the brush-off, and they are described in the sections that follow.
Saying No in the Early Stages As you probably know already from your previous dating experience, the way you turn someone down differs depending on the seriousness of the relationship. We all interact at different levels with everyone we encounter, but the typical process of online dating (the steps developed in the structure of dating sites) produces several distinctive stages:
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■ The investigation stage. You are sending out feelers to someone and beginning to get interested in their responses. ■ The initial contact stage. You send someone a wink or a flirt or an email or instant message to let them know you’d like to pursue them further. ■ The “getting to know you” stage. You exchange email, chat, or instant messages that, for the most part, help to gather information about one another. ■ The phone talk or video phase. You move from typing messages to communicating with one another in real time. You do this either the oldfashioned way (talking on the phone) or the high-tech way (connecting webcams and/or microphones to your computers and watching/talking online). ■ The dating phase. You move from communicating with just words to meeting in the flesh. Then you mutually decide to get together again…and again. ■ The exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend phase. You have been going out for a while and have stopped looking for other people. Whether or not you have plans to make things legal or official, you are “going steady,” as they used to say. The early stages of a relationship are the first three: investigation, initial contact, and “getting to know you.” The system makes it easy to say no to people during the initial phases: You prevent other dating site members from investigating you at all by blocking your profile. When a profile is blocked, other dating site members can’t see it. At the very beginning, you can be brief and informal about nipping things in the bud. If someone sends you a wink or an email message, you only need to send a quick cold-water message back, either by email or instant messaging: “Sorry, not interested!” You can also be deceptive and indirect if, like me, you have a problem uttering a bold-faced no: “Not really looking right now, thanks” or “Forgot to take down my profile; I’m not looking!” In the second case, you should be aware that you open yourself up to another approach from a suitor who is persistent. Don’t be surprised if the person responds by saying, “Can I send you an email in a month?” or “If you’re looking again later on, send me your email, OK?” You don’t really close things off permanently unless you make a final, irrevocable statement.
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DR. DATE SEZ… These last two responses included in the preceding list aren’t really truthful, of course. It’s best to get in the habit of being direct and honest with people, especially at the early stages: If you can develop a proficiency in saying no early on, it won’t be so hard on you when you have to end a relationship that has developed into the later stages. If you have ever done any shopping online or bidding on auction sites like the popular eBay (www.ebay.com), you may have already discovered that the Web is perfectly suited to impulsive and, to some extent, obsessive behavior. Once obsessive shoppers see a photo of something (whether it’s a rare collectible or an attractive person) and the image gets in their head, they may have a hard time moving on to someone else. Being definite about no helps them to get on with their search. You’re not only doing yourself a favor when you are clear about a lack of interest; you are helping your fellow dating site members, too.
Saying No After Things Have Progressed At the early stages of an online dating relationship, it’s not too difficult to turn someone down. After you have gotten to know someone, though, it becomes more difficult. Even if you have met in person and gone out on one or more dates, however, you still have an advantage when it comes to breaking things off. You can send an email or even an instant message that explains (in whatever level of detail you choose) how you feel or why you don’t think things should progress any farther.
Trying Different Ways of Saying “No, Thanks” The important thing is to say something rather than to just fade away without making a statement. Nothing is worse than staring at a silent telephone or opening your email with a pounding heart only to find nothing but spam. Even the vilest creep on the face of the earth deserves the courtesy of closure. You don’t have to go into detail, but please, for the sake of the welfare of the entire online dating community, don’t gallop into the sunset leaving a hopeful person with no way of knowing that it’s really over.
Making a Courteous Good-Bye Does anyone ever believe any variations on the statement, “I’m sorry, but things just aren’t working out for reasons that have nothing to do with you”? There have been countless jokes in sitcoms to the effect, “It’s not you; it’s me.” But that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to use the phrase and quickly exit stage left. Two ways of making a graceful exit are described below.
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Explaining What Went Wrong On the other hand, consider that for each of you it’s a learning experience. Sometimes the most helpful thing to do is to kindly explain the basis of your decision. Of course, you have to make sure that your evaluation will be well received and not lead to a big emotional scene. Think of the situation as arriving at a formal dinner with a date. If he or she has some spinach between their front teeth, it’s okay to say so because it will be easy for them to go into the bathroom and fix the problem. If your online date gave out too much personal information too soon, it would be helpful to mention why you were turned off so that person doesn’t make the same mistake again. But if your imaginary date arrives at a fancy restaurant wearing shoes that are two different colors, it would be cruel to call attention to the defect because there’s nothing that can be done at that point and it would only ruin the evening.
Saying Goodbye Without an Explanation You don’t always have to explain to someone you meet online why you’re backing away. If the problem is one that can’t be changed and that might truly hurt someone’s feelings, bite your tongue and just say goodbye. Suppose that after meeting in person you realize that your date’s incessant loud laughing would grate on your nerves until the end of eternity. They aren’t going to be able to change this characteristic, so there’s no reason to mention it. Besides, maybe the next person they find through online dating loves people who laugh a lot, the louder the better.
Making a Firm Goodbye Don’t drag it out after a relationship is obviously dead. Suppose that you have agreed to go out to dinner and have dressed accordingly. When you arrive at the designated meeting place, your date (wearing torn jeans and a dirty T-shirt) states his intention to take you back to his place to “have some fun.” You are offended because it’s only your second date. You had some strong doubts during your first gettogether at a coffee shop and this only makes you sure that you don’t want to see this person again. You have two choices: ■ Insist on going out to eat. You won’t have a good time; you’ll be looking continually at your watch; you won’t want to even talk to the person. He might make an unpleasant scene at the restaurant or send you an angry email message the next day.
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■ Say no thanks then and there. Be honest. It will actually be less painful than an hour or two of painful interactions. Try something like the following: “Look, you really offended me just now, and I’ve decided not to go out with you. I am going to take a cab home because I think it is better that we don’t waste each other’s time.” Don’t say “Okay?” at the end of your statement; don’t phrase the entire statement in the form of a question, such as “Why don’t we…?” This opens the door for a discussion you don’t really want. You are entirely within your rights, so don’t apologize. Be firm and matter-of-fact and follow through with your actions. No matter what the situation, stand by your guns if you decide to not continue the relationship. Don’t respond to pleading, promises to change, or threats. You have to say it only once: “This is a final decision; I will not to respond to further contacts from you. Goodbye.” Then turn on your heel and go. And don’t look back.
tip If you do have an awkward goodbye moment at a car or the front door of a restaurant, it can be good to have an exit strategy. See Chapter 19 for some suggestions on enlisting help from friends and family if you need it.
Hearing “Thanks, But No Thanks” Fear of being turned down is one of the biggest reasons people avoid dating, whether online or off. I know from my own experience that the threat of rejection assumes great importance when it gets tied up with my self-image. If I take rejection personally, it can really crash my spirits and keep me from trying any kind of activity, no matter how much I’d usually enjoy it. Rejection isn’t as big a deal on the Web as it is in real life. That’s because people don’t really get to know all aspects of your personality online. If you are turned down, they aren’t attracted to the part of yourself that you portrayed in your profile or through your instant messages. This isn’t all there is to your personality by any means. You can’t allow fear to keep you from online dating. Give yourself time to mourn your loss and get back in the game. The sections that follow suggest some situations you’ll run into online, sooner or later, and some tips for dealing with them successfully.
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DR. DATE SEZ… I don’t want to minimize the experience of being rejected online. There is no denying that it may hurt; you may have some wounds. Give yourself some time before you jump back into the fray. Remind yourself that you are no worse off than you were the day before. Learn to extend yourself only to the point where you aren’t going to be devastated if someone turns you down.
If Someone Stops Communicating You’ll know how bad silence feels when it happens to you. You wonder if your computer is broken or if something is wrong with your phone line or email service. It’s natural to want to know what happened—to wonder what you did wrong or if it was something you said or did that made someone stop talking to you. You may need to clarify whether or not someone is actually dumping you. A single inquiry that is nonconfrontational is in order, such as It’s been a while since we spoke, and I am wondering about your silence. Is something else going on with your life? Have you decided that you don’t want to communicate with me any more? If it’s the latter, that’s all right; but I just need to know for sure so I can get back to my online dating. It’s tempting to insert an apology here, something along the lines of “If it was anything I said or did…”, but resist the urge to do this. You don’t know for sure if you offended the other person in some way. The sad fact is that, if the person persists in noncommunication, you may never know for sure. But there’s no point begging or groveling. Wait until you get an explanation to see what response is in order. You may decide after you hear from him or her that you aren’t interested in the relationship after all. On the other hand, there are a number of reasons why a person may stop communicating, and they may have nothing to do with you. An old boyfriend or girlfriend may have returned; they may be having difficulties with their immediate family or their job or their health. Don’t immediately assume that you’re the problem. If it turns out that there is a reasonable explanation, you don’t want to do anything on your end that would stop the relationship from progressing.
If Someone Turns You Down Suppose that you’re good at handling rejection. You have learned not to take things personally. How should you react if you send a flirt or an email message and someone tells you they’re not interested? You can ignore the message, shrug your shoulders, and try someone else. You can also act on any clues that explain why you
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didn’t get a thumbs-up. Instead of wasting time on the pity pot, your first step might be to review your profile, as described below.
Touch Up Your Photo The problem may not be with you but with the way you are presenting yourself. And the most important part of your online presence, when it comes to grabbing someone’s attention and attracting their interest, is your photo. All the good essay responses in the world won’t matter if someone looks at your photo and chuckles about your bad hair day or ends up squinting because it’s impossible to know what you look like. Take a new photo; if your original was indoors, try one outside in natural light. Wait for the “golden hour” just before sunset when everything looks soft and attractive in the fading light. Or take the photo on a bright but cloudy day when the light is even and there are few shadows. Consider paying a few bucks and having a professional do the work, so you make sure that you look your best.
Brush Up Your Shakespeare…and Your Profile If you are being rejected consistently, read over your essays and make sure they don’t contain too many restrictive clauses. By restrictive clauses, I mean statements of what you don’t want or what you’re not looking for in another person. If one of your essays contains a series of statements that specify that you’re only looking for someone who is serious about marriage, who wants lots of kids, who lives in your geographic area or is willing to relocate, who has green eyes, who speaks three languages, and who works out on a regular basis, you can be reasonably sure you’re going to get plenty of rejections. By the same token, if the answers to the multiplechoice questions in your profile are overly restrictive, you’ll probably get fewer turndowns if you loosen them up.
tip Change is always a gamble, but the trick is to not put more on the table than you can safely afford to lose. That’s hard to remember when it comes to dating because you have to suspend a little disbelief to fall in love. But take your time and be conscious of how much of yourself you are sharing. Don’t pour more of an emotional investment in someone than you can stand to lose if he or she ultimately turns you down.
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The Absolute Minimum ■ Don’t be afraid to say no if you aren’t attracted to someone or don’t want to pursue a relationship further. ■ Be specific when the reason for a breakup is something that the other person can correct. ■ Don’t take rejections personally; the turndown may have nothing to do with your individual qualities. ■ If someone turns you down or stops communicating, don’t apologize and don’t pursue them beyond a single email inquiry. ■ If you are receiving frequent rejections, you may need to improve your photo or make your profile statements less restrictive.
In this chapter
• Deciding whether your online romance should lead to wedding vows
• Planning your wedding online and creating
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a wedding website
• Designing your honeymoon and helping to pay for it through an online registry
• Dealing with parenting and other issues when preparing to wed
If Things Do Work Out: Planning to Say “I Do” There are as many goals for online dating as there are online daters. Not everyone is searching for true love or a life partner. And, if you are, I’ve advised you again and again to keep your expectations low. Be realistic, I keep saying. Don’t expect to fall in love—expect nothing, in fact. Well, in this chapter I’m going to take a different approach. I’m going to tell you that, once in a while, things do work out—just right. The fairy tale does come true; you can end up marrying the person you met on the Internet.
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How Do You Know He or She Is “The One”? When you meet through the process of online dating, you get to know that new companion on many different levels. You find out details about his or her past; you get an idea of the person’s goals and priorities; and you explore topics that give you a window into the individual’s personality. All of this can take place before you ever lay eyes on one another. It’s unlikely that you’re going to be swept up in a moment of passion and rush off into the sunset with someone, only to wake up next to them in the morning full of regrets. When it comes to online dating, you are able to make decisions with your head as well as your heart. You listen to the voice of reason as well as the siren’s song of love.
Throughout this chapter, I’m going to refer to a young woman named Deena Albin, who married a man she met on the Internet—after her mother signed her up with an online dating site. But there are lots of other people who meet online and get married, too. And I’m not suggesting that getting married is the only happy outcome as a result of dating online. Many of the topics in this chapter apply to those who find a shortterm relationship or a long-term partner online, as well.
Still, the possibility of unlimited choices might in itself give you doubts. I’m the kind of person who researches any purchase thoroughly, from my cell phone to an airline ticket, but still I wonder when I’m looking over my bill if I missed a better deal. When you’re dating online, it’s sometimes hard to know when to cash in your chips and make the best effort to love the one you’re with, and when to keep pursuing that greener patch of grass on the other side of the hill. There are so many people online, you might well wonder if the person you have chosen to spend your life with is the best one, the perfect one, or whether he really is the only one for you.
In doing research for this book, I talked to more than a few couples who had set a wedding date and then decided not to end the relationship, but to take a little extra time to rethink the situation. Just because you and your new love have cleared a number of important hurdles doesn’t mean you need to rush pell-mell toward the altar. Make sure that you have time to talk about things and to spend time with one another rather than simply chatting online. If you live in far-flung locations, make an effort to visit one another. Get to meet the other person’s family. Go through the old-fashioned steps that normally occur during or before an engagement. Just because you may have met and chosen one another quickly—thanks to the Internet—that doesn’t mean you need to get engaged and married precipitously.
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MOTHER KNOWS WHERE TO FIND A HUSBAND: ONLINE Back in January 2002, Deena Albin’s mother, Debbie Abshier, went out with some friends. One of them had met a man on a dating website. Debbie had an inspiration regarding her daughter: Deena, at the time, was in her late 20s, a single mother, and had had a string of failed relationships with dysfunctional men. “I walked in the room at 11:30 that night, and there was my mom at the computer,” Deena recalls. She said, ‘Sam found a guy on this site, and we’re going to do that too. Whatever you’re doing isn’t working.’ We argued back and forth. I said, ‘Mom, I don’t want to meet a guy on a dating website, I’d rather be single the rest of my life.’ She said she would pay for the service for the first month, that I should give it a try, and that I could leave if I didn’t like it.” They answered the questions asked by the site (uDate, www.udate.com) and scanned in some photos to create a profile. Then Deena’s mother left, saying, “Look at it and see what you think.” First, Deena received a list of males who, according to the site, were matches for her. She decided to ignore this list. “I was more interested in who was on the site at the same time. Once you paid your fee, you could chat with anyone who happened to be online at the moment.” This turned out to be a critical decision. She later commented that the man who became her husband was not on the site’s match list, and would probably have not appeared on a search. “I don’t think I would have found him based on the information that was in my profile,” she says. Deena noticed that Dave Albin was online. “He said in his profile that he was a huge Indianapolis Colts fan, and had not missed a home game since 1984. A friend of mine used to play for the Colts, so we chatted online for a while. Dave doesn’t type very fast. I sent him a message by email on the website, and he sent me a message back, and it went on from there.” After about a week of emailing and chatting, they met in a local pub; both were accompanied by a group of friends. The meeting was less than successful. “When I sat and talked to him that night I wasn’t sure about him. The second time we met, which was the first time we met by ourselves, we had a good conversation. I could tell that he had a good background—face you can trust.” Meeting online helped Dave and Deena easily overcome some hurdles that might have slowed down people who meet the traditional way. “I think the Internet is nice because you get so much detailed information about an individual, things you wouldn’t ask about that person for a while,” she explains. “When we met on uDate, he was 39 and I was 29. I had a daughter I raised by myself; she was four when we met. He had mentioned in his profile that he wanted to meet someone who had one or two kids. He is Catholic, which is important to me. Things like that might be touchy subjects, but I was aware of all of it up front.”
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Dave and Deena were married on April 26, 2003. They now have a five-month-old baby of their own in addition to Deena’s daughter. “My mom says it’s the best $20 she ever spent,” comments Deena.
Going Online to Plan Your Wedding You’ve done your courting your way, keeping control of the various steps involved that have led you to this important point. It makes perfect sense that you’d use online features to personalize your big day. What’s more, you and your new partner are accustomed to using a computer to negotiate and arrange social events. Being able to explore websites together means that men no longer have to try to make themselves invisible on a pink couch in a bridal salon while their women giggle their way through decisions that affect them both. Take, for example, the task of selecting a wedding reception venue. No need to negotiate schedules for a drive all over town: Even if one of you lives hundreds of miles from the other, you can use a browser to access online directories of sites so that you can compare costs and quality without leaving your computer room. The Internet is always very handy for selecting gifts for the wedding party and checking on the status of reservations and orders. You can post photos online that provide prospective guests with virtual tours of the wedding locations so that they know exactly what to expect. The whole idea of a wedding is making it legal; and again, you can use the Internet to double-check requirements for blood tests, licenses, and the like. The marriage license fine print is especially important to read if you’re planning a destination wedding or getting married on board a cruise ship. (Don’t forget to find out if a passport will be necessary, by the way.) The word to remember is personalization. You can get a CD burned with your choice of songs, order reception favors printed with details about you, and construct figures for a wedding cake topper bearing your own features. When the power of the Internet is at your fingertips, you can order exotic flowers to dress your table and just the right clothes for your entire wedding party with one simple click (or perhaps a double-click). Online daters are used to having it their way, and planning their wedding is no time to join the common herd. DR. DATE SEZ… So, can you do it all when it comes to the Internet? No, probably not when bridal gown shopping. There are many online bridal shops that can help you in your search. But when it’s time to actually buy a dress, your best bet is to go to a reputable retail store. Not only
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will you be able to see and touch the dress before handing over your credit card, but you’ll have salespeople at your disposal who know how to measure you, and experienced seamstresses who can do proper alterations. That way you’ll be able to have a good fit, rather than throwing one.
Planning Your Honeymoon Being wired and online is a huge advantage when it comes to planning the many things that go into an unforgettable honeymoon. Do you want to throw a tent in a backpack and spend your wedding night on a remote mountain range? Or do you prefer the most luxurious of honeymoon suites? You can buy tickets for performances online or even hook up with a golf pro. All-inclusive packages are available or you can mix and match to your heart’s content. Who doesn’t have a website? Car rentals, airline tickets, resort bookings, restaurant reservations, performance selections…whether halfway around the world or walking distance from the wedding chapel, you can get what you want by clicking a mouse. When you are planning a honeymoon, you can choose from one of two general types of websites: ■ Travel sites. These include well-known online travel services like Expedia.com (www.expedia.com), Travelocity (www.travelocity.com), and other sites that put the burden on the individual user to design a vacation and purchase travel tickets. ■ Honeymoon registry sites. Sites like The Honeymooners Travel & Registry LLC (www.thehoneymoonersregistry.com, shown in Figure 17.1) are growing in popularity. A couple registers with the site (usually for a fee) and designs a getaway, from basics like airfare and hotel (which have to be paid for up front) to massages and train passes. Well-wishers visit the site and use their credit cards to buy parts of the package, either reimbursing the bride and groom or paying for the extra perks. You can also find travel options on sites that function as “trip locators” such as away.com (http://away.com) and the Travel Channel’s home page (http://travel.discovery.com). These sites specialize in suggesting new destinations to explore.
Perusing websites carefully can prevent unhappy surprises, such as when a free breakfast is anything but and there is a hefty penalty for cancellations. Another way websites are really helpful is your ability to read reviews of people just like yourself who describe what they liked and didn’t like about their experience. And speaking of cancellations, I’d recommend buying travel insurance online as a way to best safeguard your investment.
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FIGURE 17.1 Honeymoon registries allow guests to defray part of the honeymoon cost as a wedding gift.
Creating a Wedding Website When it comes to planning a wedding, one of the best things about being online is your ability to create a website especially devoted to the happy event. If you’ve already used the computer to meet your match, it’s only logical to use the Internet to announce, communicate, and display your wedding. Dave and Deena Albin, who are profiled in this chapter, created a site for their wedding at a website Theknot.com (www.theknot.com, shown in Figure 17.2). FIGURE 17.2 When it comes time to announce your wedding, turn to a wedding website service like this one.
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“We had just the two of us to do all the planning,” says Deena. “Dave had out-oftown family and friends, we sent out save the date cards to people who were furthest away. Through the website, people could see the person who corresponded to them on the other side of the family. That made it easier for people to meet one another when the wedding actually occurred. The site had all the details about the church, directions, attire, so people knew just what to expect and didn’t have to ask for directions, either.” The good news is that no programming knowledge is required to create a website that suits your personal style and needs. Of course, your website should include basics such as discounts you’ve arranged at a hotel, where to park, what to wear, childcare provisions, and directions to the various venues. But what could be more convenient than links to area attractions, a feature so that guests can RSVP online, and a guest book that piques interest for those attending, and provides information for those that are regretfully indisposed. In either case, working together on a website will be time well spent. Chances are that it was a mutual interest or shared hobby that made the profile of your soon-to-be spouse stand out from the others. Turn your dating profile or your dating-site photos into a motif with invitations that you can design and print out yourself. And don’t think for a moment that your website should go cobwebby when you are officially husband and wife. The miracle of modern technology will allow you to post not only photos but audio and video clips as well. Your Moms will be only too happy to provide shots of those cute little baby bottoms. But your friends and family will really appreciate an up-to-the-minute photo documentary of prenuptial parties, showers, rehearsal dinner, ceremony, reception, and honeymoon (edited for taste, of course).
Remember that your website will be seen by your friends and family—specifically, your spouse’s friends and family. So, you don’t want it to look amateurish, even if you’re an amateur.
tip If all the sweetness and light surrounding weddings and honeymoons is getting to you, remember that there are safe places to vent frustrations. Online newsletters such as SuperWedding .com’s eZine (www.superweddings.com/) and discussion boards such as those provided by confetti.com (www.confetti.co.uk/ cafe/real_life_stories/default.asp), as well as interactive chat rooms, give you a chance to share stories (including those bloopers that are very amusing after the fact).
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Where Should You Buy All That Stuff? Remember those first winks, your tentative emails, the voice of your beloved on the phone that you could barely hear because your heart was pounding so loud, the moment in the coffee shop that you realized the good looker was there to meet you? All of that was exciting, even though getting together and getting your relationship off the ground also took some hard work. Setting up your household can also be exciting when you use search engines to choose everything from pots and pans to chairs and sofas. But there’s some work and stress involved too. The good news is that you’ve got a leg up on your friends who haven’t been working it out from the start. You’ve already had lots of practice communicating, so you’re well on your way to addressing issues (including what pattern of china to put on the registry) before they start to snowball. But you’re bound to run into disagreements. You can decide together on things you both like, or you can agree to “his” and “her” corners to protect your togetherness while maintaining your individuality. DR. DATE SEZ… Wedding registries are ideally suited to the web. You’ll probably end up with a few platters shaped like fish and polka-dotted lampshades. But by using the wonders of the Internet to make your selections, you increase your chances that your gifts will suit your tastes. Oh, I almost forgot. There’s no rule that says what’s on your registry has to be of the traditional household ilk. If electronic is what floats your boat, chances are your tech-savvy friends will be just as excited to buy it for you as you will be to receive it (as long as you let them have a turn eventually).
Involving Your Parents No matter how old you are, your family was there first. It’s possible that they are a little suspicious of a branch on their family tree that didn’t sprout at a church social, family reunion, or cousin’s wedding. You can listen politely to their concerns, of course, but when push comes to shove it’s up to you to stand by your new spouse. It’s all a matter of priorities. The goal is to avoid alienation, but you still need to make it clear that your new partner and the partnership are now number one. The odds are that they will eventually agree that you picked a winner when they see how much you are in love and assure them that it will be wonderful to have a new
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member of the family. Your family ultimately has your happiness at heart and any initial distrust of the online dating process will subside in time as they accept the new love of your life.
Single-Parenting Issues Your children probably think they were born with a mouse in their hand, so participating in your wedding will make them much happier if they use the computer in the process. And fewer temper tantrums for them means, by definition, fewer for you. When it comes to selecting your children’s outfits, browsing through websites is a whole lot easier on the nerves than dragging your kid from one mall to another. Looking at wedding websites together is a good way to familiarize children with the different members of the wedding party and the roles they will play too. Based on what appeals to them, they can draw pictures of the event and play dress-up, including them in the wedding excitement.
Religious and Other Differences Some online daters heading for matrimony credit their success to dating services specifically geared to a particular ethnic group. Others fall in love sight unseen with a member of a different religion, and then have the challenge of including multiple customs in their wedding celebrations.
tip See Chapter 15 for more about using the Web to find companions who share your religious beliefs.
Internet research can reveal a rich treasure house of heritages. Family heirlooms used as clothing or decoration can symbolize the continuity of the love passed from one generation to another. Music and food are also obvious ways to show ethnic pride in the past while sharing good wishes for the future. The key is to update traditions to reflect your own personalities.
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The Absolute Minimum ■ Online dating encourages you to think with your head as well as your heart, helping you come to the decision of whether or not to marry. ■ Once you have decided to get married, it’s only natural to create a web page to announce your wedding and help your guests get to the event. ■ Going online can help you shop for wedding outfits as well as furnishings for your new home. ■ A variety of travel sites as well as honeymoon registry services can help you plan an unforgettable trip after you exchange vows. ■ Online dating makes participants aware of religious differences, age differences, and single-parenting issues that can be difficult to discuss without the help of a dating profile and/or essays.
PART
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There’s a Match Out There for Everyone Specialty Dating
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Dating for the Geographically Challenged
In this chapter
• Matching up with singles who share physical and psychological attributes
• Finding people who really want to “swing” • Locating dates who share your hobbies or
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special interests
• Connecting with people who have the same background as you
• Finding last-minute dates for special events
Specialty Dating Every date can be special, but I’m using the term specialty dating to describe dates that don’t fit into the single-man-seeks-single-woman or single-woman-seeks-single-man category. It’s a term that covers gay dating, threesomes, married swingers, and dating that brings people together because they share an interest in a specific cause or concern. All the advantages of online dating are magnified when you are looking for a nontraditional or interest-oriented relationship. To put it plainly: Where else but on the Internet could you find a bisexual vegetarian libertarian who has a strong passion for the Seattle Seahawks football team and is a member of the Birdwatchers of North America? You might spend untold months going to Seahawks fan club meetings, birdwatching outings, and other venues looking for just the right person. More likely, you’d have to settle for someone with a few but not all of those key qualities. The Net lets you cast a wide net, helping you search for people who share every conceivable interest and quality.
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Physical or Other Attributes Unfortunately, there are stigmas and other dangers attached to dating among some groups. Statistics have shown that the threat of being exposed to venereal diseases and even AIDS is stronger in some populations, for instance. The Internet gives singles the freedom to meet people safely, no matter what their sexual orientation or history or their physical limitations.
Physical Issues Online dating is a perfect venue for anyone seeking acceptance, or who just doesn’t want to be confronted with questions about a physical attribute or illness. If you have a special situation that is related to your physical appearance, you’ll find no shortage of dating services especially for you. You don’t have to have a disability or a disease to fall into this category. For instance, Largeandlovely.com (www.largeandlovely.com, shown in Figure 18.1) is a site especially devoted to large-size singles, and it has an estimated 47,000 members. FIGURE 18.1 Large-sized singles can find acceptance and patience on sites such as this.
People who are “supersized” know that acceptance is difficult to find on a larger, more general site. People on Match.com and other mainstream sites tend to have different interests; they want you to explain why you are “large,” and you have to do lots of mining to find people who are compatible.
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Dating with Disabilities Conventional wisdom dictates that when we fall in love, we accept the other person as a package deal. In many cases, it is the act of caring for another that brings new meaning to life. My opinion is that you are better off putting physical conditions in your essay. These might range from physical disabilities to attention-deficit to allergies. I believe this will lead to a process of self-selection. You wouldn’t want anyone who would dismiss you up-front because of a medical issue without taking the time to get to know you as a person. But you also don’t want to be defined by this one component of your total self. Take some extra time to craft your message carefully so that prospective dates will know that you are looking for a relationship with mutual caring and respect.
Dating with Sexually Transmitted Diseases
tip An article on Match.com with a terrific title—”Is my wheelchair keeping me from getting traction?”—emphasizes the importance of being upfront about disabilities, even if you don’t feel you are held back by them or you don’t want to be stereotyped. People don’t want to be deceived about important personal information that wasn’t revealed to them at the onset—no matter what it is. Embrace your situation and be upfront about it: Come right out in your profile and tell people what’s going on, and that you’re having a great life too. Read the article at www.match.com/ matchscene/ article.asp?articleid=1394.
If you have AIDS or another sexually transmitted disease (STD), you have some obvious limitations when it comes to dating. It’s understandable if you are reluctant to talk about your situation. But if you can meet someone in the same situation, you have the chance to find empathy, help, and support, as well as friendship. Luckily, you can find plenty of online dating sites that specialize in bringing together people who have tested positive. One of the best things about PositiveLove.com (www.positivelove.com) is the site’s message boards, which bring together singles confronting a variety of illnesses. Simply scanning the subject lines and message titles in the boards can give you hope of finding someone who will accept you (see Figure 18.2).
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FIGURE 18.2 Once you create a free profile, you can read this discussion forum’s messages for people with STDs.
Hobbies and Other Interests Remember that whether you’re composing your profile, crafting an email, or searching for a topic to fill a pause in a phone call, the goal is to engage in the fine art of conversation. People are wary of others with addictions, whether they are substances to ingest or objects of consuming love. If you and the person you are interested in have a shared interest, such as a hobby, you’ve got a good opening. Whether you collect autographed baseballs, Porky Pig comics, outside yard art, or beaded antique bags, your online dates need to know you’re willing to dust off a shelf for them. Again, the goal is to develop enough common interest to ensure compatibility, without going so far as to create a clone of yourself that, well, is boring. So, don’t worry if you can’t find someone who shares your precise interest. What you want is an admirer of you, not necessarily of your collection. Let’s say you arrange songs for barbershop quartets while the object of your affection writes sonnets. Perhaps their lyrics could be put to music or you could set up some performances at poetry slams.
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Sports Lovers If physical fitness or devotion to a sports team is an important part of your life, you’ve got an instant way to strike up a conversation and make a bond with someone on an online dating site. Remember to keep an open mind: If you’re a fan of the Chicago Cubs like I am, you probably wonder if you could ever find true happiness with a Chicago White Sox fan. Or would it be even worse to spend my life with someone who didn’t know the difference between a baseball and a softball? A desirable date has diverse interests…interests that don’t necessary have to intersect with yours. Singles who are interested in working out, jogging, or bicycling should investigate niche dating sites such as these: ■ Fitness Singles (www.fitnesssingles.com). This site targets people who work out and enjoy everything from aerobics to yoga. ■ SportsFanMatch.com (www.sportsfanmatch.com). Both fitness enthusiasts and sports lovers come together here; they can find either a love interest or a “sports buddy.”
Sites like EquestrianSingles.com (www.equestriansingles.com) and HifiSoulMate (www.hifisoulmate. com) cater to horse and music lovers, respectively. But keep in mind that, if you join a specialinterest dating service that has fewer members than, say, Match.com, any mistakes are likely to remembered by other members. Be sure to keep your promises, be courteous, and generally on your best behavior.
Keep in mind, though, that virtually all dating sites enable you to express hobbies or interests as part of your online dating profile; you can find a fellow sports lover on virtually any site without trying a niche service.
Pet Lovers If you have pets and they are important to you, it’s okay and even desirable to put that information in your profile. However, featuring Buddy or Fluffy in your photo may create a difficult situation if the response is “Aww, how cute!” and they aren’t talking about you. It would be good, for example, to point out that your job as a breeder demonstrates organization and sociability. Relating your efforts to teach your bird to talk might demonstrate your sensitivity and humor. However, the point of online dating should be to expand your horizons and put new dimensions in your life. If any potential date is going to be competing with a pet for your time and attention, you might want to simply get another animal.
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If you really love pets of any sort (not just cats), check out a dating service called KissyKat (http://www.kissykat.com). As you can see from the home page shown in Figure 18.3, it’s not just for cat lovers. FIGURE 18.3 Pet lovers can send one another KissyKards and share their interests on this dating site.
Someone who cares enough about animals will go to a site such as this, which reportedly has 3,000 members. The list of pets included in the “Pets they own” dropdown list on the home page includes reptiles, small exotics, birds, horses, and fish, as well as cats and dogs.
Threesomes and Other Combinations Most web-based dating services emphasize that they protect members against running into married people who pretend that they’re single. True (www.true.com) even conducts background checks to this effect. When I was writing this in fall 2004, the site advertised this feature right on its home page, shown in Figure 18.4, along with the prominent warning “Married People Will Be Prosecuted.”
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FIGURE 18.4 This site threatens married members with prosecution, but other sites welcome swingers.
Of course, some people are searching the Web precisely for those with open marriages—members who are looking for sex without legal or even emotional entanglements. Online dating sites that are open about providing members with casual sex partners take the guesswork and awkward questions out of finding other swingers. SHE FINDS ANYTHING SHE WANTS ONLINE A woman who wished to be anonymous told me about her own success with online dating, and it’s a story that doesn’t fit the traditional mold. “My husband and I enjoy an open relationship,” she began. “Several years ago, I placed an ad through Yahoo! Personals looking for a girlfriend. I weeded through several responders (maybe 20 or more) before I found one that really struck my fancy. I ended up responding to her once, then again a few weeks later because I hadn’t heard from her. As it turns out, she had been out of the country on vacation and had cleared her Inbox on her return. Had I not responded a second time, nothing would have come of it. “We sent emails back and forth and chatted through IM before arranging to meet for coffee during our lunch breaks. Things went well and we had several dates after that. I see this turning into a long-term relationship. Things have changed because we’ve had several more children enter the picture in the past 18 months.” It just goes to show that, no matter what your needs, you can find a person or a situation that’s a good match when you venture into the Internet’s vast dating pool.
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Gay and Lesbian Dating If you are looking for a same-sex relationship, you don’t have to go to a gay dating site. When you do a search or create a dating profile, any of the mainstream sites will let you specify whether you are a man looking for a man or a woman looking for a woman. Dating services that have “Adult…” in their name tend to welcome ads from nontraditional daters. When you create a profile, you have a variety of options for describing yourself and your sexual orientation, as shown here: ■ Description ■ Sexual orientation ■ Male ■ Female ■ Straight ■ Gay ■ Straight Couple ■ Male Couple ■ Female Couple ■ Bisexual ■ Trisexual ■ Swinger ■ Group
The options shown in the preceding list are taken from the AdultMatchDoctor site (www.adultmatchdoctor.com). This site boasts “We help you get laid!” but they are options common to many adult dating sites.
■ -One of the leading same-sex dating sites, PlanetOut.com Personals, includes an innovative feature I haven’t seen on other sites—a “Profile Player” that plays a series of profiles that come up in a list of search results, so you don’t have to click on each profile one after another.
Political and Social Causes People who love politics and who are passionate about social and political causes can easily be attracted to one another. (Just look at Hillary and Bill Clinton, or Elizabeth and Bob Dole.) You don’t even have to feel the same about your politics (consider Democratic consultant James Carville and his wife, Republican consultant Mary Matalin, for example.) If you want someone to help you change the world, consider dating services like these:
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■ Green Singles (www.greensingles.com). This group serves individuals in the environmental, vegetarian, and animal rights communities. Maura Callahan found success through this service. Shortly after she posted her selfdescription, she received an email from David Bach, 59. The two met and fell in love. ■ The Atlasphere. This site, devoted to the works of novelist Ayn Rand, includes an “Objectivist Dating Service” (www.theatlasphere.com/dating/index.php). The site, shown in Figure 18.5, brings together people who admire Rand’s novels The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged. ■ SingleRepublican.com (www.singlerepublican.com). You get the idea; this is a site for political conservatives. ■ Liberal Hearts (www.liberalhearts.com). This site caters to Democrats, Green Party members, and other political liberals. It gained attention in 2004 for staging a contest in which a woman won a date with presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich. FIGURE 18.5 This site brings together singles who love the books of novelist Ayn Rand.
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DR. DATE SEZ… In my opinion, it’s just as easy, if not easier, to find people who share your social and political views on one of the big mainstream dating sites. I see profiles all the time in which singles advertise themselves as being “very liberal” or “very conservative” in outlook. The SingleRepublican site mentioned in the preceding list advertises that it has 6,000 members. In contrast, mainstream dating sites might have anywhere from half a million to more than a million members. Go to a niche dating site only if you are looking for a “True Believer” in a social and political cause—someone who isn’t just casually interested, but who is an activist. If you are only casually interested yourself, stick with the mainstream dating sites.
Common Backgrounds Another common bond that can help you make a connection with someone is your educational or cultural background. For instance, a service called The Right Stuff (www.rightstuffdating.com) connects people with another common bond: a diploma from an Ivy League or other prestigious college. If you are a smoker, and you feel left out, join a smoking site—a place that accepts cigarette and cigar lovers for who they are such as Dating For Smokers (www.datingforsmokers.com). At the other end of the spectrum, people who want to make sure that they only meet dates who don’t smoke can join a site called Smokefree Singles (www.smokefreesingles.com). A similar site, Sober and Single (www.soberandsingle.com) targets singles who have overcome alcohol and drug addiction problems.
Timing Is Everything: ShortNotice Dates All the rules about online dating—post a profile; talk on the phone; get to know someone gradually—potentially go out the window when it comes to finding a date online for a special event such as a wedding, a party, a reunion, or a concert. Consider this ad, which appeared in the Chicago edition of the wildly popular classfieds site called
The aforementioned sites are all similar for a reason: They are all owned by the same dating service company. They’ve all been set up to capture different niche groups. In fact, you can join all of them for a single membership fee. But keep in mind that all the mainstream dating sites let you search for potential companions by whether or not they smoke, and you’ll hopefully find out about any past alcohol or drug problems in their essays or email messages.
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Craigslist as I was working on this chapter, and which I’ve rewritten slightly to conceal the sender’s identity: Hi—are you looking for a pleasant evening featuring Barry Manilow’s incredible vocals? I have a need—someone to accompany me to the show tonight at Arie Crown Theater. I am good looking (like everyone else!) educated, interesting (world traveler), pleasant, guy who is spontaneously active (action vs talking). You are fit, intelligent, attractive, open minded, 35–41 and interested in a spontaneous decision to go out on a date that will be a positive experience. I’m not considered a loser in any setting and I have no “expectations”. I would prefer to use these tickets in lieu of selling them…please help me avoid this unfortunate position. Your quick and sincere reply requested. Thanks! No photo; no background information; no definite age; no nothing. Answering this sort of ad is a bit like buying a lottery ticket. You may end up with nothing, but you may hit the jackpot. If at all possible, arrange to talk to the person on the phone beforehand so that you can get an idea of his or her personality. I would not feel awkward asking such a person for a reference: A friend you can call to make sure they are on the up-and-up. If you’re the person looking for a last-minute date, a message board on a dating site or a place like Craigslist is a great place to do so. Instead of looking for places to take your date in the process of determining whether or not they are the perfect match, you already have a destination in mind. It could be a reunion or somebody else’s wedding. The idea is that you really don’t want to go alone and that someone else is willing to be the “rent a friend.” Like I said, it could be an evening to top all horror stories. On the other hand, you may find your prince or princess charming.
tip Craigslist has local sites that cover many metropolitan areas and other regions of the United States and other countries. It’s not just for dating, but a venue where anyone can discuss issues and problems of local interest. The Craigslist home page is at www.craigslist.org; a list of Craigslist cities and countries can be found at www.craigslist.org/ about/cities.html.
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The Absolute Minimum ■ Specialty dating services are available to match you with singles who share your interests, physical attributes, and other qualities. ■ Being overweight or suffering from an illness doesn’t mean you can’t find a date online. Services have been created for these and other niche groups. ■ If you search for someone who shares your love of a hobby, a sport, or a type of pet, you have an instant bond that could grow into something more. ■ Married people looking to “swing” are usually banned from mainstream dating sites, but many other sites exist specifically for their needs. ■ Common backgrounds can also bring singles together, and specialty services have been created for people who went to the same Ivy League college or who have overcome alcohol or drug addictions. ■ All the rules that usually apply to online dating go out the window when you advertise for a last-minute date for a party or other event.
In this chapter
• Learning the ins and outs of online dating from the perspective of a computer user who has extra life experience
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• Dealing with former spouses, illnesses, and other potential speed bumps that can dash dates
• Using common sense when meeting dates face-to-face for the first time
• Being aware of dates who turn out to be dishonest
Dating in Your 40s, 50s, and 60s When asked to describe the ideal candidate for online dating, your first choice might be a twenty-something who is fully at ease with the Internet in particular and computers in general. But maturity has many benefits and, in my opinion, online dating can be one of them. I steadfastly believe that people who are middle-aged and older are in the perfect position to take full advantage of the many benefits online dating has to offer. You can be an absolute beginner when it comes to online dating and still go from lonely to lots of dates in no time. Though having some life experience under your belt will give you a head start. You might run into the same sorts of liars and sleazeballs your younger counterparts run into, but chances are you’ll be better equipped to handle them. This chapter addresses the special concerns and benefits of online dating for “Third Agers,” and how to ensure you’ll come up with some good moments to add to your Golden Age scrapbook.
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Enjoying the New “Good Old Days” The number of people who might be called middle-aged, “Third Agers,” or senior citizens and who are dating online is booming. Rising divorce rates, early retirement, and longer life expectancy mean that more people than ever before are single going into their “golden years.” An article published by the Council on Aging for Southeastern Vermont (www.coasevt.org/senior_sense_7_04.html) estimates that more than a million people belong to the online dating service Senior FriendFinder (www.seniorfriendfinder, shown in Figure 19.1), and as many as 29 million people over age 50 are in the dating pool. FIGURE 19.1 This site welcomes online daters with lots of previous life experience.
If you are in your mid-forties or older, you are embarking on what many would say is the best time of life to be dating. Now you have a chance to do it right. You are (finally!) comfortable with yourself. You have learned to live alone, and you probably have experience living with other people as well. If you are retired, you have more time than ever to date and travel with new friends. You might be looking for someone to marry, or you might be looking for a companion. Whatever your goals, you’ll be able to make the most of this new experience. Online dating is cheaper and brings quicker results than traditional ways of finding people, such as friends, family, or matchmakers. But it’s all up to you when it comes to presenting yourself and evaluating potential dates. Some suggestions for avoiding pitfalls and what to look out for follow.
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Facing the Skeletons in the Closet Older daters have to remember that when they leave the house or apartment to go out on a date, they need to go alone. I’m not talking about leaving behind any friends who might accompany you to the appointed meeting spot, or those who might be willing to give you moral support. (Having such friends with you can be a good thing, as long as they stay in the background and don’t get in the way of your actual date.) What I’m talking about is checking your past baggage at the door when you embark on the adventure of meeting someone new—either virtually or in the real world. At this life stage, you will be dating people who have a history. And you, too, have former lovers and spouses in your past. When you’re exchanging instant messages and emails, don’t be obsessively nostalgic for that special friend who, for whatever reason, is now no longer with you. Don’t talk solely about your kids and grandkids, either. It’s great to mention these relationships, especially if they are important to you. But balance them with comments about hobbies, favorite entertainments, books, or current events. Don’t dwell obsessively on your role as caretaker—either past or present. When you go on a date, don’t take those relationships with you; leave them in your photo album at home.
Focusing on Fun and Adventure If you ever had a pen pal when you were young, you’ll quickly get used to the notion of typing messages and exchanging correspondence with someone you’ve never seen and who might even live far away. At this stage, you most likely aren’t looking to have children. You may not be primarily interested in getting married. You already have an assortment of family connections and have made friends throughout each phase of your life. With luck and hard work, you’ve achieved at least some level of financial security. Again, you have an advantage: You don’t have to become overly invested emotionally in dating. You don’t need a meal ticket. And, as a result, you will have less of a chance of being disappointed. You might look at online dating as a way to stay connected with the process of making new friends and having some fun and adventures once in a while. DR. DATE SEZ… Losing a spouse you loved or being divorced by a spouse you now hate are wounds that take time to heal. If you simply can’t help bringing that person into your conversations at regular intervals, you may not be ready to jump into the dating pool.
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Staying Positive About Health Issues If you are lucky enough never to have been seriously ill, you are fortunate indeed. With reality knocking on your door, it’s more likely that you are encountering some creaks, aches, and other problems of a physical nature. Be positive about your situation when you talk to prospective or current dates. Emphasize what you still can do rather than what you have lost or can no longer accomplish. Positive comments are simply more attractive than frequent complaints. If you don’t want to be defined by your illnesses or disabilities, don’t include them in your dating profile. However, before you meet someone in person with whom you initially have communicated online, you should disclose any serious health issues. Don’t bring it up as a sort of confession or as something you are ashamed of, but as a simple statement of fact. Conversely, if you are comparatively healthy and are finding someone increasingly attractive, you have a right to know if that person is seriously ill. Keep in mind that a few years of delight can be a whole lot better than a lot of years of loneliness. I know of people who met and fell in love only to be separated in a matter of a few short years by illness and death. The survivor was heartbroken but certainly would have done it all over again in a heartbeat. You need to get the facts so you can decide if you want to pursue a relationship with someone who has a serious illness.
Single Parenting and Other Issues When you get into your 40s, 50s, and up, your children can be an impediment to meeting and being with other people in a way that is much different than when they were very young. When you have adult children, they can be concerned about their inheritance; or they still can have feelings about their biological parent not being with the other biological parent; they can be oppositional and unpleasant if you start dating. Kids have their own way of looking at you and your world, and it isn’t always a compassionate or objective one. Some adult children perceive people who come into your world as threats to the time they can spend with you. Many adult kids have an opinion and they freely express it. You may find yourself making a choice; you may have to choose between being with your kids or
In some cases, your kids might cheer you on to success in online dating. They could even play cupid (see the AARP Magazine article on this subject at www.aarpmagazine. org/family/Articles/ a2003-07-30-kids_cupid.html).
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being with your dates. If you go against what your children want, you may be forced to cut off contact with them until they get used to the idea that you have a right to your own life and happiness. Keep in mind that change can be difficult, but usually the happy ending will make the initial unpleasantness worthwhile.
Who Does the Asking? When it comes to online dating, it doesn’t matter who makes the initial approach. Men and women alike can send a flirt message and ask someone out. You may have been raised in an era where men were supposed to do the pursuing and women were the shrinking violets. One of the beauties of online dating is that it bends these kinds of gender barriers. You don’t have to worry about what the neighbors think. Perhaps you’ve spent a lot of years making a living and meeting the needs of others. Now it’s time to express yourself. And there aren’t any rules to worry about breaking. So, go ahead and start forging those connections. Being a real man or a real woman simply means being a real person when you’re involved in online dating. If things don’t work out in one case, you can try it a little differently the next time around. The more you get involved in the process, the more comfortable you’ll feel.
Whom Can You Trust? You have to be careful and use your common sense when it comes to meeting people. Often, problems occur when you are in a hurry and haven’t taken the time to pre-interview someone through chat, email, or the phone. Other times, people aren’t forthcoming about their real goals and fears, and they don’t tell the truth about themselves. Here are some tips for safe dating, especially for seniors: ■ Talk on the phone at some point. People can type anything they want on their keyboard. But you can usually detect clues from someone’s tone of voice that will give you a better idea of whether they are telling the truth and are trustworthy. ■ Meet in public. Meet during the day and in a public place. Public parks are good, as are coffee shops. You’ve gotten along so far just fine, so don’t rush things. Agree on, say, an hour together for the first meeting, and then give yourselves a week or so to think it over. ■ Drive yourself. Take your care or have a friend with a car wait for you to give you a ride back home. You should have a way to travel on your own in case you decide to end the meeting and don’t want to be alone or on the bus with the other person.
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■ Don’t give up. After a few unsuccessful dates or online encounters, it’s tempting to throw in the towel and think, “There isn’t anyone out there for me.” But with millions of possibilities, evidence suggests that you will find someone compatible. That person may not be online yet, or may not be on the same dating sites as you. He or she might have taken their profile offline while dating someone else. Keep checking back with your dating site periodically—you’re virtually certain to find new dating prospects.
PERSEVERING AND KEEPING A REALISTIC ATTITUDE Nancy Sommers hasn’t had total or instant success when it comes to online dating. But a realistic set of expectations and a good dose of common sense have helped her enjoy meeting new people and weather some turbulent times in the dating pool. Nancy, 66, a former dancer who lives in Chicago, had been dating online for about a year and a half when we spoke. She had met about ten men through sites such as uDate.com and Lavalife. She looks back positively on her experiences, despite encounters like the following: ■ One man who “said he was 59, but he had to be emotionally 89 years old. He acted much, much older than he was.” ■ A man who canceled dates four times and who finally admitted that he was afraid to meet her in person. ■ A man with whom she exchanged several instant messages gave her a surprise. When Nancy sent him an instant message, the following response came: “He’s in the kitchen cooking dinner. This is Ellie.” When Nancy inquired, “Who’s Ellie?” he told her: “That’s my girlfriend.” “I did send him an email message and said I didn’t think it was nice of you not to tell me you already had a girlfriend,” Nancy commented. These, of course, are only a few isolated experiences. Nancy has also met a man from Canada who seems to be a good friend. Things have gone well, though, and she maintains a positive outlook: “After the first time, it gets easier,” she comments.
Dealing with Intimacy For many reasons, people who go back into dating in their 50s and 60s are intimidated by the prospect of all forms of intimacy, including sex. In some cases, people who married young and who had only one partner for many decades might feel inexperienced. In many cases, people are ashamed of their droops and rolls and other physical signs of aging: When it looks like sex is a possibility, they flee.
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It turns out that, in many ways, dating in your 40s and later is just as tricky as it was in your teens and 20s. All the questions of when to be intimate, and the nervousness that surrounds sex, come right back to you. It might help to envision your wrinkled skin as thick skin. You are who you are and nobody can make you feel bad without your permission. Keep in mind that there are no rules here except the ones that you alone create. The important thing is to keep a sense of humor and know that even if things don’t go as you had imagined they would, at least you have an interesting story to tell (or a delightful secret to mull over if you don’t feel like sharing). Give yourself permission to work things out with each individual that you encounter. Don’t be misled by ad copy generated by a shallow popular culture. What happens is okay, one way or another.
Finding Support Some dating sites, like Senior FriendFinder, have online magazines that provide tips and advice about dating. Senior FriendFinder’s magazine (http://seniorfriendfinder.com/magazine/index.html) is actually a misnomer: It’s a set of bulletin boards on which members post articles and ask questions. If you need help with computer questions and problems, turn to the AARP’s Computers & Technology message board, which includes many regulars who ask and answer questions and interact with each other. The AARP Magazine The American Association also provides an online utility called The of Retired People’s magazine Personal Ad Maker (www.aarpmagazine.org/ (www.aarpmagazine.org) interactive/Articles/a2003-09-26includes an advice column ad_maker.html). The Ad Maker (shown in Figure called “Modern Love” that 19.2) requires that you have Macromedia Flash can help answer questions installed on your computer. If you do, you can about dating, whether use the utility to create a personal ad that you online or off. can post on any dating site. The Ad Maker is simple and painless: You answer a set of 15 questions about your situation and your goals, and presto! You have a presentation ready to put online.
tip
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FIGURE 19.2 The AARP Magazine’s online utility helps seniors create their own dating ads.
Dealing with Age Differences When your dating is confined to where you live, or your immediate circle of family and friends, you tend to meet people who are approximately the same age as you. When you go online, try to be open to a wider range of ages and experiences than you may be accustomed. Sometimes, people act older than they seem. Other times, they act like conservative people but when you meet them in person, they turn out to be wild and crazy. Other times, you might be approached by men or women who are much younger than you—younger, even, than your own kids. It’s all a matter or acting as old as you feel. Age is just a number after all. If people have a problem with your relationships with a much older or younger person, it’s their problem not yours. This is the time to relax and not sweat the small stuff.
Encountering Younger—Much Younger—Dates A word of warning is in order regarding young people who are attracted (or say they are attracted) to older people—often, much older people. Don’t let these “youngsters” take advantage of you: If you don’t want to go out with someone who is the same age as your daughter (or perhaps even your granddaughter), just say so. It’s fine to feel flattered and play along for a while if that’s what you want. Stranger things have happened than falling in love with someone far out of your age range. But keep your eyes open even if your heart starts to flutter. If you start getting an uncomfortable feeling about someone who is pursuing you, don’t hesitate to show
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him or her the exit door and insist that they use it. They are likely to rebound quite easily and quickly go on to someone else, if they really didn’t have your best interest at heart.
Dates Who Don’t Act Their Age You can’t always tell exactly how old people are online. A dating profile might include someone’s age. But there’s a difference between someone’s age in years and their spiritual and emotional age. It can be difficult to tell in the context of an email or instant message. Sometimes people act older or younger than they really are. At one end of the spectrum, you might encounter people who say they are, for instance, 55 years old, but who act more like they’re 75. They are looking for someone to “nest” with and have no desire to go out, dance, travel, or have other adventures. At the other end of the spectrum, you might find people who are more interested in partying than sitting around playing bridge or doing any of the stereotypical things retirees are said to do. The fact is that there is no pattern here; you have to be prepared to encounter all types and be definite about what you want. If someone isn’t acting the way you want, just tell him or her you are looking for someone different. At your age, you don’t have to make compromises when it comes to the types of people you are looking for.
Dates Who Are Up to No Good If you are a retiree or a surviving spouse, chances are you have assets. The people you date know this, and some might be out to take advantage of you. One woman I know went online and met a man who seemed perfectly nice, but ended up being bilked out of thousands of dollars before the man eventually dumped her. Again, don’t let yourself be pressured into decisions you’ll later regret. Make sure your financial adviser and lawyer give final approval to anything you sign related to money. I think that no matter what the nature of your relationships, it’s a good idea at this stage of life to keep your possessions in your own name. Whether you call it halfsies, Dutch treat, splitting the bill, or whatever, it’s still very romantic. Don’t let a generous nature or an eagerness to help translate into something you’ll regret in the morning. My advice is to let each person pay his or her own way and to always go 50/50 on shared expenses. That way you know you’re being perfectly fair and you don’t have to worry about who owes what to whom.
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The Absolute Minimum ■ As a middle-aged or “golden-aged” online dater, you have an advantage because of your previous life experience. ■ Leave your past loves, your illnesses, and other preoccupations at home when you go out on a date or when you communicate with someone initially. Be positive and enthusiastic. ■ Teenage or adult children can feel threatened if you find a new companion. Remember that you have a right to your own life and happiness, and your well-being will help your children in the long run. ■ Traditional rules don’t apply when it comes to online dating. Men or women both can flirt and ask someone out. ■ Make sure you meet in a public place during the day when you first go out on a face-to-face date. ■ Don’t give up after encountering a few setbacks. Keep your expectations low and try to maintain an adventurous attitude; you’ll eventually meet someone who proves to be a good match. ■ Women, beware of much younger men who may be more interested in your money or in satisfying their own fetishes than in you as a person.
In this chapter
• Using online dating to meet long-distance dates
• Making families and friends your allies • Having international success in love • Relocating if things get serious • Picking yourself up and starting over
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Dating for the Geographically Challenged Online dating overcomes cultural and political boundaries as well as problems of logistics. When you’re reading profiles, exchanging email, or talking on the phone, it really doesn’t matter where you are—at least not initially. But after the beginning hurdles are cleared, distance does make a difference, whether you are located across the state or across the world from the person you want to meet face-to-face.
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Creating and maintaining a relationship does become more complicated when you and your date aren’t in the same immediate geographic area. (Just ask college students, who frequently have to leave their boyfriends or girlfriends and be separated for months at a time.) But if you limit your search only to people who live near you, dating online loses some of its most important advantages. You might as well be hitting the local singles bars. If you have the ability to travel freely, you can overcome the distance problem and meet your match, so to speak. Until you set up your first time to be together in person, the answer is to keep in touch with a little help from your computers, as described in the following.
Long-Distance Relationships
tip A site called TheRomantic.com (www.theromantic.com) published a series of tips for people who want to stay connected to loved ones who are far away. They include signing up with an electronic greeting card service to automatically send someone an e-card every day; sending videotaped messages to one another; and keeping a journal. Find out more at www.theromantic.com/ stories/longdistance/main.htm.
The nature of online dating presumes that you don’t see people when you are in the process of striking up relationships, but you eventually expect to meet them in person. Online dating with someone who lives far away makes the face-to-face aspect more complicated. You need to decide who’s going to do the traveling; you have to set aside some time and expense for travel; and you may have to include family and friends in your visits, not to mention your future plans.
Keeping in Touch The ability to maintain connections (pun intended) is vital when you are dating someone from afar. For one thing, you might have to exchange email more often when you and your person of interest are apart. Having a high-speed Internet connection makes a difference when your primary means of communication is your computer rather than your phone: With a connection that is always on, you can configure your email software and your computer to send you a
caution The old saying “love is blind” is one thing, but a person living outside your immediate geographic vicinity has endless opportunities to pull the wool over your eyes. They can claim to be footloose and fancy free, but there’s no easy way for you to tell if they are really lying about having a spouse or still involved with others.
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notification signal when a message arrives (actually, email programs are set up to provide such notification by default). On the other hand, having email and chat at your disposal is far less expensive than making international phone calls. It’s a good idea to talk to your person of interest at least once in a while on the phone, but make sure he or she is aware of the time difference involved. A call made in Eastern Europe or Russia in midafternoon will arrive in the U.S. very early in the morning, for instance.
Enlisting Family and Friends Anecdotal evidence suggests that the long-distance relationships that work out best are the ones where both partners are already involved with a mutual community. Perhaps a branch of your family lives in the neighborhood of your new love interest or maybe you are both members of sister churches. Getting family involved isn’t a bad thing; it provides a built-in support system and a way of double-checking the accuracy of statements.
Dating Overseas If you have an instant connection with a person but are feeling geographically challenged by a place, you can take virtual tours of overseas locations through the Internet. Many big cities have webcams that you can use when you are coming up with destinations where you can meet. You can also make use of information available on the Internet to prep for your meeting with the potential in-laws. These folks are, after all, the grandparents if you have kids. So if the one religion that predominates in the area is not your faith, you may have to discuss the religion in which you will bring up your children. Again, use the Internet to compare and contrast; you compare the ways in which you are the same, and you contrast the ways you are different. Instead of being a drawback, having two traditions upon which to draw can make a relationship really exciting.
It’s important to get the blessing of your immediate families when you strike up a long-distance love relationship. At least one of you is going to have to move away from home to be with the other person, and you should make sure your respective families are accepting of this notion. You might find that your families are eager to get on board with this concept earlier than you would expect, especially if your boyfriend or girlfriend has notions of married life that are now considered “old fashioned” in this country. (See the Tales from the Trenches sidebar later in this chapter for a further explanation.)
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Finding a “Russian Bride” I was thoroughly prepared to warn you away from the many websites that portray themselves as dating services and that are really in the business of finding brides for Westerners. Often, the sites find women from Eastern Europe or the countries that made up the former U.S.S.R., such as Russia and Belarus. (The term Russian bride is a catch-all term for such sites.)
tip What’s the next best thing to being there? Have the other person appear in front of a webcam in their area; then you do the same. Everyone secretly wants to be a tour guide or a playby-play announcer, and now’s your big chance. Look up one of the webcams listed at the Open Directory (http://dmoz.org/ Computers/Internet/On_the_Web/ Webcams/Directories/).
The problem with such services is, primarily, they charge high fees for membership and meeting people. Then, you might think you are setting out to date someone, when what they really have in mind is getting married and having emigrating to where you live. Not only do you run the risk of ending up as someone’s meal ticket, you may ultimately feel that you were just used to get the other person into the country. They’re misleading, they’re shady, they’re expensive, and…once in a great while, they actually work.
If you have a passing fluency in Russian or an Eastern European language, you can send out lots of email inquiries through a free email service, and you are primarily interested in getting married, you can find someone online. Be prepared to face travel expenses as well as the need to obtain a visa. You sometimes need to pay for English lessons for your new love. You could ultimately be called upon to support her family (see the sidebar that follows). But you might end up deliriously happy, too. Just be very careful before you start parting with your hard-earned cash. DON’T OVERLOOK RUSSIAN BRIDES Ed Tittel is a well-known author and series editor for Que Certification, part of the same publishing company that produced this very book. He’s happily married to a Russianspeaking woman named Dina who hails from Kyrgyzstan (or the Kyrgyz Republic) and whom he met on the Internet in the year 2000. The two are now in fact three, having welcomed their baby son seven months ago. Ed says he tried several of the dating sites that cater to matching Russian women with men overseas but, like many singles, he was reluctant to start paying the relatively high fees charged by such sites before he ever met someone. After writing to more than 30 other Russian women, he found Dina on a public email server. The two are shown in Figure 20.1.
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FIGURE 20.1 This well-known author found his Russian bride online.
Ed points out that the ability to communicate is vital. “I took two years of Russian in high school, so I was better equipped to deal with language problems than other people might be. It is also a good sign if someone is willing to take English lessons. I was pleased that as soon as we started writing to each other, Dina asked if I would pay for English lessons. I would recommend that people try to talk on [the] phone relatively early on, and if necessary secure the services of someone who is fluent in both languages to serve as an intermediary…you don’t know how idiomatic your speech patterns are. Certainly, a lot of patience and understanding is highly recommended,” he explains. Having been advised that it would be easier to obtain a spouse visa than a fiancé visa (there’s a difference between the two), Ed went to Kyrgyzstan to marry Dina in 2002. He found the reactions of the two families to be totally positive: “At that point I had been supporting Dina and her family for six months (on what to me was a relatively trivial $500 monthly stipend), and everything went really well. My parents were delighted that she was so much into cheerful domesticity and childrearing, and they could tell she really cared about me.” “As they say, your mileage may vary,” he concludes. “I think as long as you are willing to do your homework and you realize that finding someone overseas is neither free nor cheap, you don’t have to get too worried about the Russian dating experience.”
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Where to Meet Someone from Out of Town During any long-distance relationship, you need to make periodic checks to make sure that you are getting your needs met. There’s also the question of whether or not you should be dating someone exclusively, even though they live hundreds or even thousands of miles away. (You may still want to go out with someone locally as well as someone in another city; it’s at least something to consider and definitely worth discussing with a long-distance love interest before you meet them.) In any case, the question of where to meet people inevitably arises. If you are traveling frequently, you’ll want to get together with men or women in the cities you visit. If you’re in a small town, you might have to go to a neutral third location to date someone you meet online. Some other geographic considerations for that allimportant face-to-face are described in the following sections.
Finding Dates When You’re Constantly on the Move “Geographically challenged” doesn’t necessarily mean you and someone else live hundreds or even thousands of miles away. It might also describe your situation if you are on the move frequently. When you travel on a regular basis on business, online dating might be the only way to get to know people in the areas you pass through. If you travel a lot and look forward to meeting people in cities where you are visiting, the large mainstream dating sites are the way to go. You have the largest possible pool of singles from which to choose, and you can search for them easily based on the region where they live—a bit of information that everyone includes in his or her profile. The important thing is to state directly that the location of your meeting is not your full-time home. Be straightforward about the fact that you are going to be moving elsewhere after a period of time so that, if a relationship is to continue, your companion will know some travel is required. You don’t want to meet someone, have a few wonderful dates, and then suddenly head off to your next destination without telling your newfound companion that you are leaving. It’ll hurt your reputation on your dating service if the person complains on its message boards—and it’s not very nice, either. ONLINE DATING PLAYS IMPORTANT ROLE, ACTOR FINDS Vince22 is a professional character actor. When we spoke, he was working on an independent film in Charlotte, North Carolina. He lives in Phoenix, Arizona, but it sounds like he’s not home very often. “I have been doing online dating for about two years,” he told
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me. “I got into cyber-dating because it’s a great way to meet women worldwide. I speak three languages and have visited 38 countries and 49 states, and have flown around the world four times. My father was in the military, and I grew up as a ‘military brat.’” The fact that Vince22, who is single and has no children, was in the U.S. Air Force himself for 22 years gave him the opportunity to meet women worldwide. He notes that “going online does make dating easier and safer than in the real world.” However, he has a problem that many of us haven’t encountered, one that might seem surprising. “The biggest advantage online dating has brought me is many women will contact you once they see your profile online rather than you having to contact them,” he says. “Of course, that can be a hindrance as well. Last year, Yahoo! Personals held a contest to select 50 Beautiful People for their Yahoo! Personals ads. I was one of the fifty selected. I was overwhelmed with emails worldwide. I couldn’t answer all of them. And, the ones I did answered did not pan out.” Asked what goes into making a good online profile, Vince22 says: “That is a tough question because each individual has his/her own personal niche. For myself, it has to do with my personal interests. Most important, the other person must love to travel on a moment’s notice without planning. I only reveal enough information to determine if they are interested in contacting me. From there, it is their decision to contact me or not. Remember, ‘good things come to those who wait.’” He recommends talking to someone on the phone before meeting them, which is something that applies whether you are dating in your home town or visiting another local: “That is the only way of knowing if you are truly interested. Email will not do it alone.” The most important thing to remember, he says, is to “be honest with yourself and with others.”
Small Town, Big Dreams Another aspect of being geographically challenged is your own home area. If you live in a big city or a major metropolitan area, you have lots of options for meeting people. After finding someone online, you can drive or take public transportation to a public spot for a face-to-face chat. If you live in a rural area, you have fewer dating options, which is precisely why online dating is so helpful. Having a smaller pool of singles your own age in your own town or neighboring vicinity may well mean that you need to go online to find someone. But when do you meet someone, where do you go to meet in person? You’d better gas up the car or build up some frequent-flier miles.
One man who lives in a small town in Texas told me that living in a rural area does make it harder to date online, but he’s met lots of nice women and is having success. See “Tales from the Trenches” in Chapter 1 for his story.
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Ironing Out Relocation and Travel Dilemmas If your long-distance relationship becomes serious, you’ll eventually have to confront the question of whether or not someone is going to move to be with the other person. The question should come up early in your relationship (ideally, it would be included in your dating profile; since all dating sites don’t ask members for their preference on relocation, it may have to be addressed in an essay question). Even before the question of permanent relocation, comes the matter of a temporary one: Who is going to visit whom for the very first date? The person who is most able to travel might be one choice; but also consider having the person who is most willing to relocate be the first to visit the other. Then there’s the related question of who’s going to pay for travel costs? If the cost is a $25 tank of gas, it’s probably not a burning question. But if a $600-airplane ticket is involved, you might want to consider splitting the expenses equally. That way one person doesn’t owe the other one anything. The next question is even more delicate: Once you are in the same place, where do you sleep? When you have been communicating from a long distance, the first face-to-face meeting is different than it is when you live in the same city. You’ve almost certainly been talking a long time and you’ve seen plenty of photos of one another. The thing that’s left for the first meeting and that has been building up over time is, of course, sex. You might not want to meet in one or another person’s home (especially not if children are present).
tip Suppose you live in a small town, and you want to look in a metropolitan area in your state for someone who might be a good match. If you have a choice of locations, it makes sense to confine your search to a city where you would like to live yourself. Give special consideration to cities where you are likely to find work should you relocate there.
A hotel might be good for many reasons: it’s neutral territory, and it’s easier to kick someone out or make a hasty exit if things don’t work out the way you dreamed they would. It’s not at all a bad idea to secure separate rooms in the same hotel: It’s twice as expensive, but having your own quarters gives you a space to go to if you need some time to yourself. Dating from a long distance can be a highly charged and exciting event—one that can be a dream of a lifetime or a disaster.
Trusting Your Instincts When You First Meet When you first meet someone you’ve been emailing and chatting up from a long distance, you need to use your good sense. Things often work out great, but no
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experience is perfect all of the time. The person you meet might look nothing like his or her profile. You might be sexually incompatible. Any number of problems can arise. Trust your instincts. Here’s an example. A couple met; he decided to move to where she was; she kept picking up strange intermittent signals. This went on long distance, like a commuter relationship. He decided to move to where she was. She felt something wasn’t right. He got wiped out financially, and ended up homeless. She helped him to a shelter and found him a permanent place to live, but he kept spending recklessly and using her as a reference, so the bill collectors started coming after her rather than him; then she was afraid for her life when he became abusive and started stalking her. The moral of the story: She is glad it is over but she learned her lesson about paying attention to bad feelings. If you feel something isn’t right, take a good look at it before taking the next step. DR. DATE SEZ… Just because you move to one place doesn’t mean everything is going to be fine. You really have to be on your guard every time the relationship elevates to a new level. Don’t assume you have built your relationship on a solid foundation; take each brick out into the sunlight and examine it carefully for flaws. If things don’t work out the way you had hoped, go back home, reconnect to your dating service, and try, try again. The moment you meet someone new, you’ll forget about what happened (well, mostly).
The Absolute Minimum ■ High-speed Internet connections can make good love connections. ■ Differences in traditions and backgrounds can spark interest in relationships. ■ A nomadic life doesn’t have to be a loveless life: Think about setting up dates during your travel stops. ■ Play fair when dividing responsibilities and expenses. ■ If your inner voice says “watch out,” listen to it and move on to another prospective date. ■ Don’t assume that one thing will lead to another; examine each step independently. ■ If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, again.
PART
VI
Coping with Ups and Downs ...............
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Practicing Safe Dating
Avoiding the Date from Hell
Improving Your Chances of Success Finding Support
In this chapter
• Managing your personal information to maintain your safety
• Controlling photos and contact information
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to ward off untrustworthy individuals
• Following commonsense safety procedures when you go out on a date
• Considering an invitation-only dating service
• Knowing what to do when things go wrong
Practicing Safe Dating Dating necessarily involves some form of risk. The only type of dating that is completely risk-free is staying home by yourself and chatting or emailing others. And that’s fun, but only to a point. Sooner or later, you’ve got to meet people in person. The best thing is to meet other singles on your own terms, on your own timetable, when you are comfortable, and in a safe location. This chapter will describe some simple steps you can take so that you can keep from becoming a statistic. The stark truth is that people (especially women) have fallen victim to men they have met on the Internet. Had those women used common sense and followed some simple safety procedures, they could have protected themselves. Everyone, male or female, needs to maintain safety and privacy in order to prevent trouble. By being safe and secure, you’ll also keep the entire practice of online dating a viable concept for everyone.
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Maintaining Your Privacy The visual and other cues we use in everyday life to ward away people don’t have any impact in cyberspace. A flat tone of voice, a turning of a cold shoulder, or backoff hand gestures don’t come through. On the other hand, your real personality can shine through. A few email or other exchanges, and someone can be completely smitten well before you want to proceed to the next level. You need to follow some safety procedures to protect yourself from people who might try to contact you before you want them to or they should.
Blocking Your Personal Information When you create a dating profile, you necessarily have to reveal something about yourself. Remember that you are in control of your own image: You tell people what you want them to know, and you hold back the information you want to keep private. Don’t share any personal information with anyone you meet on a dating site until you are sure you can trust them. Even then, keep in mind that if you break up with someone, he or she can start to “kiss and tell” and bad-mouth you to other members of the dating site.
Protecting Your Contact Information At the risk of stating the obvious, you should not give out your real name, street address, phone number, Social Security number, credit card number, or your parents’ bank account number to anyone you meet on the Internet, no matter how nice they seem, until you are ready to do so. And when you’re ready, give out as little as possible, and release the details gradually as the other person seems trustworthy. Don’t volunteer your phone number until someone actually asks for it. And then, don’t give out your home land-line number, but a cell phone number or office number. If someone asks to pick you up at your home in his or her car and drive you to a public place for a date, don’t do it. No matter how nice and harmless the person seems, always meet in a public place for the first date (and possibly the next one or two as well).
Protecting Your Image It’s perfectly understandable to want to hide your photo or keep it private for safety purposes, particularly if you are a well-known individual. However, you need a photo online to attract anyone at all. The key is to make your photos attractive but not offensive or overly suggestive (at least the ones you share with the public on dating sites).
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Never share a photo with anyone online you wouldn’t want broadcast to 120 million people all over the world. Don’t show cleavage; don’t show off your “six-pack”; don’t get too provocative. You don’t want to give ammunition to one of your dates if a romance ends badly. Be careful about how you present yourself in your profile. You might want to attract people by creating a highly provocative photo. But always keep in mind that the photo can be used against you too. Harassment is common in cyberdating situations, so try not to make your essays or ads provocative. Cyberflirtation escalates quickly, and it’s almost impossible to step back to a less amorous level. The oldfashioned “for a good time, call Maggie” written on a bathroom wall is bad enough. Posting a suggestive photo of Maggie on the Internet is far more dangerous and embarrassing. You can “Google yourself” as a safety precaution to see what’s been said about you online. Do a search on Google’s search service (www.google.com) to see if any web pages mention you. Also check Google’s newsgroup directory by going to the Google home page, clicking Groups, and entering your screen ID in the box near the top of the page. If you click Advanced Groups Search or go directly to the Advanced Groups Search page shown in Figure 21.1 (www.google.com/advanced_group_search?hl=en) you can control the number of group postings you want to view. You can pick a time frame (the amount of time you’ve been online, and even look for messages posted by a particular author (presumably, someone you have gone out with at some point). By performing such a search, you can make sure that the information you want to protect is not being shared with others. Make sure you search for images at Google as well. Go to the home page, click Images, and enter the filename (such as jenny.jpg or greg.gif) in the box at the top of the Image Search page. Then click Google Search. Make sure your image only appears where you want it—on your dating profile page—rather than on someone else’s website. If you do see that your photo is being misused, you should approach the owner of the site and demand that your photo be removed; if the owner refuses, you can take legal action to have it removed.
tip Google isn’t the only place to search through postings on Usenet for any discussions that mention you. Try Topica (http://lists.topica.com), too.
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FIGURE 21.1 Search for your screen ID on Google to make sure your privacy isn’t already being violated.
Anonymous Web Browsing You can take all the commonsense approaches in the world to protect your privacy, but some information can still get out, thanks to your web browser. The following information is pretty technical, but it might apply in one of two situations: ■ You don’t trust your dating service, and you think they’ve been selling your name to other businesses because you are getting flooded with spam. ■ One of the people you’ve been emailing for a potential date runs a web server or is a webmaster, and you don’t know the person well enough yet to completely trust him or her. Your web browser leaves a trail of information on the sites you visit that points to the city where you live, the ISP that you pay to go online, and possibly even the computer you are using. A very nosy and technically proficient person can use such
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information to find out who you are, although they would probably have to fool your ISP into identifying you, and this is admittedly very difficult.
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tip
You can install a special The only people who can pick up the hidden free Privacy Toolbar on your information transmitted by your web browser browser that protects you all are people who run websites. These include peothe time, or only when visitple you meet online who have their own webing certain websites; it’s good sites (and run the sites; in other words, they to have the ability to turn actually operate the web server that makes the the feature on and off pages available online). If you want to protect because it does slow down your your privacy on your dating site and other webbrowser’s operation. That’s the sites you visit, you can install software that price you pay for going anonyensures your anonymity: It processes the routine mous on the Web. information your browser normally sends out to identify itself to the sites you visit, and intentionally changes it to render it meaningless. One of the best-known types of this software is called Anonymizer; the Anonymizer website (www.anonymizer.com) explains more fully the concept of maintaining your privacy while surfing the Web.
Picking a Good Screen ID Every online dating site requires that you to choose an alias called a screen name, a username, a user ID, or some other euphemism. This name is important because it’s one of the first things people notice about you when they see your profile. A good screen ID has some “marketing” components to it that might attract people to you, such as a hint about your favorite interest. Screen IDs also serve a privacy function too. They protect your real name from being potentially broadcast to the entire Internet. Don’t ever choose a screen ID that contains part of your real name in it. Also create a screen ID that’s separate from your email address. If you actually use your email address as your screen name (such as [email protected]), you’ll not only be opening yourself up to receiving spam email, but you’ll probably get yourself in trouble at the workplace by using your office email for very personal purposes.
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Observing Good Safety Practices A few commonsense safety “best practices” will help prevent trouble when you go out on a date with someone you’re meeting for the first time, or someone you’ve met a few times but with whom you don’t feel completely at ease.
The Pay Phone Option As stated earlier in this chapter, your browser leaves a trail that can identify you, but only to people who have the web server software that can read it. Your home phone is a far more dangerous source of information. It can identify you to anyone with caller ID. If someone can view and write down your number with caller ID, he or she can look it up in a reverse phone directory (a phone directory that provides names and addresses to users who have only a phone number). And if you call someone on their cell phone, you know that your number is immediately stored in the phone’s database of missed calls or received calls and the recipient can use it to find you.
Anyone who has been flooded with unsolicited email (and that’s just about everyone online) knows that the moment your email address falls into the wrong hands, you are liable to get a seemingly endless stream of spam. When you publish a valid email address on a web page, it can and probably will be harvested by a special computer program that has been set up to gather email addresses for the purpose of selling them to marketers. In other words, don’t ever publish your email address on the Web; send your email address to someone via IM, chat, email, or by word of mouth.
If you have an unlisted phone number, you do have some degree of protection. Even if you give the phone number out to a potential date, that person won’t be able to look up your name and address in a reverse phone directory because the number is unlisted. The safest option is to use a pay phone when you call someone for the first time. It might be inconvenient, but if you are at all wary of the person or protective of your privacy, it can keep him or her from looking you up online and approaching you before you are ready to be approached. Or use your cell phone for dating purposes and keep your home land-line private.
Notifying Friends and Family It might seem paranoid to call your mother or a trusted friend and tell them you are going out on a date with someone you met online. If that’s the case, go ahead and feel a little paranoid, but make the call anyway.
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Friends and family can help in many ways with online dating. They can give you a second opinion on a person in whom you are interested. They can be available to pick you up at the meeting spot if you need a ride home. They can wait by the phone and call the police if you don’t call them by a predetermined time. They can even go to the meeting place, surreptitiously, and keep an eye on you while you meet with your new acquaintance. Don’t feel you are being crazy or overly cautious when considering such options. They are smart approaches that are followed all the time by online daters. Besides safety, there’s another benefit to having someone watch over you, either literally or figuratively: If you are more at ease because you feel safe, you’re more likely to have a successful date.
Trying an Invitation-Only Service Some dating or friendship services maintain an additional level of safety over the publicly available sites by making them invitation-only. In order to join, you have to be invited by someone who is already a member; you can’t simply sign up yourself.
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tip If someone types *69 after you call, they can get your phone number and possibly your name and address if they have a caller ID device. However, if you type *67 before you call, you block your contact information from showing up in the caller ID window.
tip When you go out, keep a cell phone with you. And be sure to call back the people you previously notified to tell them you’re okay (and to share your experiences, if you want to).
Friendster (www.friendster.com, which is described in Chapter 3), already follows this concept: You join only if you are a friend of a member; you list your friends; you meet people who are friends of those friends, and you have something to talk about. It stands to reason that a site that closes its membership at least partially might be able to filter out some of the more troublesome and untrustworthy singles. Google has recently joined the online social networks with the launch of Orkut.com (www.orkut.com), another invitation-only friend site (see Figure 21.2). You can’t do anything on your own to join the site; a friend must invite you to join. Naturally, you have fewer dating prospects than on one of the big mainstream sites; but you have the advantage of always knowing someone who knows someone, so you’re never talking to absolute strangers.
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FIGURE 21.2 Increase your privacy by joining an invitation-only friends-oriented dating service.
Asking the Right Questions Sometimes, the best way to avoid trouble is by thoroughly investigating people before you decide to go out with them. When you are at the stage of exchanging email, do some investigation, while staying away from subjects that you don’t want to get into yourself—at least not at an early stage. (The moment you ask someone a question, you’ll open yourself up to being asked the very same question in turn.) That means you should shy away from questions about ex-spouses or companions. Many other topics are fair game, however: ■ Children. If singles have kids, they usually love to talk about them. (If they don’t, that’s worth noting.) How old are their kids? What do they like to do with their children? How often do they see those kids? ■ Work. Go beyond the obvious “What do you do for a living?” Ask where someone works exactly. Get the name of the company and find out the city where it’s located. You can then look up the company, see if your dating prospect is mentioned on its website, and verify that the individual is telling the truth about working there.
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■ Politics or current events. You can gauge a lot about a person by the way he or she reacts (or doesn’t react) to news about war, disasters, or political campaigns.
caution
If such topics are important to the person you’re talking to, they’ll probably come up in the course of natural conversation.
If Things Go Wrong… If someone makes you uncomfortable during a date, say you have to go. You don’t have to worry about being rude. You don’t have to make up excuses about not feeling well. You don’t have to explain what went wrong. (You can explain in an email message later, if you feel compelled to do so. Just get up and leave.)
Don’t overly interrogate someone about their dating profile when you meet them in person. It’s a sure way to turn off people. Remember to talk about yourself and ask a few questions in a nonconfrontational way, rather than in a way that shows you’re trying to verify everything the person said in his or her profile.
If someone you meet online molests you, tries to kidnap you, or just acts improperly, report it to your cyberdating service. Make an electronic copy of any communications you have that are threatening or that make you feel ill at ease, and keep them stored on your computer so that they can be checked out. Many cyberdating services also have a blocking feature to keep you from being harassed by someone.
If Someone Threatens You… If someone sends you an email that contains a threat or says something on the phone that frightens you or contains a threat, don’t keep it to yourself. Resist the urge (if you feel it) to keep such incidents to yourself. Report any attacks or threats to law enforcement. Don’t be embarrassed to go to the police. Give them all the facts. If you don’t report the person you meet, he or she in all likelihood will behave the same way to someone else, and someone else might get hurt. You’re entitled to say no and have it respected.
If you receive threatening email messages, save electronic copies on hard disk rather than printing them out and deleting them from your file system. Your dating service or law enforcement authorities may need access to the email message headers in order to trace the sender. The message headers indicate what computers the message passed through to get to you, and can help in tracing the offender.
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If anything goes wrong, remember that it’s not your fault and probably has nothing to do with you as a person. Most states now have cyberstalking and harassment laws that cover most online threats as well.
If Someone Stalks or Harasses You… Any forum that brings together large numbers of strangers for interactions of one sort or another is bound to bring out a few bad apples. I’ve written about the online auction site eBay (www.ebay.com) quite a bit. Occasionally, I’ve met people who have been harassed or even “stalked” by others (not stalked literally, in person, but repeatedly emailed or called by someone who has a grudge against them). Here’s a comment I heard from an online dater: I was getting along really well with a guy online when suddenly he started to threaten me. He became very disgusting and very angry. We were still just doing posts in a chat site on the message board. Despite his earlier pleas, I’d never revealed any personal information. Finally I put in the message board that I was saving everything everyone sent me on floppies and all threats were going to be turned over to the local police. He disappeared after that, but I’m still nervous. The advice I have given to eBay members applies to dating site members, too. Don’t sink down to the other person’s level. At first, try ignoring the person. Also, don’t respond when the stalker contacts you. Most of the time such persons will slink away. If that doesn’t work, stay even-tempered at all times, and tell the person to back off. Calling names and confronting some people will only escalate matters. Report the person’s behavior to your dating site, and let them handle the individual. If you’re being stalked or harassed, get help from your dating service, from the police, or from other groups that specialize in handling online cases of cyberstalking. WiredSafety (www.wiredsafety.com) is one of the leading cyberstalking help groups online. If you need its help, send an email message to their Cyberstalking and Harassment Division ([email protected]). If the stalker knows where you work or live, contact the local police right away.
If You Just Don’t Meet Anyone… Sometimes, people who go online are more interested in chatting up people rather than actually going out on a date with them. Maybe there’s something about being online, with so many people around to talk to, that makes extroverts try to talk to everyone without focusing attention on anyone in particular. Don’t be surprised if you do out on a date and you have the feeling that the other person is distracted, not paying attention, or looking around as though there’s a better dating prospect at the next table. It probably doesn’t have anything to do with how interesting you are, but with your date’s attention span.
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Also shy away from people who want to know about all your ex-boyfriends and spouses and never get around to asking you out. After a few emails in which you are continually asked for more and more information and nothing else, you should move on to the next dating prospect. TALES FROM THE TRENCHES Many times in this book, I tell you not to give up and not to quit trying, even if you have trouble finding someone who’s just right for you. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take a break once in a while to reevaluate your needs. As one discouraged dater told me: “I’ve decided to put the $40 a month it costs to subscribe to eHarmony into pets and hobbies. From now on, my dating prospects will be men I happen to meet in my normal day-to-day activities. I was given more than one hundred matches, but most were men I would never in this lifetime see myself spending more than five minutes with before one of us walked out the door. I did get to the open communication level with a handful. And there were three I met in person who I’ll be the first to say were really wonderful individuals. But, sadly, that perfect chemistry thing didn’t quite happen and I figure I’m better off living my life and waiting to see what will happen next.
The Absolute Minimum ■ You should block your personal information from being picked up by people you don’t trust. ■ Give out your name, address, phone number, and other sensitive information only gradually, as you build trust with someone. ■ Take a cell phone along when you go out on a date, and notify a family member or friend where you are going and when you expect to be back. ■ Don’t publish overly provocative photos of yourself online. ■ Pick a harmless screen ID that doesn’t reveal who you are or where you work. ■ Block caller ID by typing *67 before you call someone, and get an unlisted phone number. Consider calling from a pay phone for maximum privacy. ■ Only meet for a date in a public place; don’t let someone you don’t know or trust drive you there or drive you home. ■ If you are threatened, ignore the person. If that doesn’t work, stay levelheaded and don’t make things worse by confronting or calling names. Tell the person you are saving records of all conversations and notifying your dating service, and possibly law enforcement as well.
In this chapter
• Looking for warning signs that spell trouble • Doing research earlier to avoid trouble later • Making sure you’re not the date others want
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to forget
• Keeping an eye on your assets—financial and otherwise
• Getting out while the getting is good • Doing detective work on people you might like to meet
Avoiding the Date from Hell To restate the obvious, online dating is different from traditional dating. At no part of the process is this truer than when electronic interactions evolve into physical meetings. The tendency is to throw caution to the wind and start behaving as though you are on a third or fourth date because you think you already know the person well enough from your chatting, email, and phone talks. In reality, though, you need to keep at least a little bit of reserve when you first meet someone in person and even as you continue to go out with him or her. The number of crazy people, liars, and manipulators on the Internet is in proportion to the number of such people you meet in the offline world. You need to verify that everything they have been telling you is actually the truth. You also have to make sure they are upstanding, trustworthy individuals.
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All this is just a way of saying that, exciting as this phase always is, you still need to use your common sense. Be hopeful, expect to have fun, and also know that despite your best preparations things don’t always work out. There are, however, some steps you can take to keep your dream from turning into a nightmare.
Realizing What Can Go Wrong People you get to know online might seem really nice, but always remember that you don’t really know them. So, when you get together in person, you should use all the normal precautions your mother taught you about strangers, even cute ones. Online, people can pretend to be anything they want to be—beautiful, wealthy, someone of the opposite sex. The one rule you can count on is that everyone lies, at least a little. What, exactly, can potentially go wrong? What constitutes a date from hell? Here are some examples: ■ You find out that the other person is actually otherwise involved with someone of the same sex or of the opposite sex, and has only been pretending to be available. You can sometimes determine marital status ahead of time, but there’s no way to know if the other person’s plan is to make you “one in a million.” ■ You get stood up, but not in the usual way. It turns out that all the arrangements have been made by a teenager carrying out a very mean-spirited prank. The goal here is to discuss age-appropriate events in your online correspondence and be alert for slang or ignorance that would indicate that someone is trying to have fun of a different kind than you have in mind.
caution
■ The person shows up, but is dramatically older (never younger) than his or her photo. You can prevent this by inspecting photos closely for outdated clothing or hairstyles and other warning signs. ■ You don’t actually have a date, but someone suggests that you might want to take a look at her (it’s usually her) collection of “private” photos for only $8.95. Again, take the time to develop depth in your online relationship to ward off someone who is too good to be true.
I’ve heard different opinions abut how long you should wait before you ask someone out for coffee. Some online daters contend that that’s the whole point, so there’s nothing wrong with cutting to the chase right away. My research indicates that the likelihood that you’ll end up with a date from hell increases if you insist on a face-to-face quickly.
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If you’ve ever visited a singles bar, you probably already know about the other things that can go wrong when you meet people who are only interested in a onenight stand. The thing that’s so aggravating about such situations is that it’s so easy to avoid them.
You Say the Wrong Things Of course you don’t want to be sitting in a restaurant booth with the quintessential bad blind date. But you don’t want to make people cry themselves to sleep either. So, don’t overlook how you appear at first glance. You might have told some white lies in your profile or published a ridiculously old photo of yourself. Do the world of online dating a favor and come clean before arranging your first physical meeting. You should also be aware of the protocol of first dates. For example, you can turn people off by dwelling on the wrong topics. First and foremost, keep your former spouses, boyfriends, or girlfriends out of the discussion, at least on the first date. The goal is to build future relationships on what you’ve learned from the past, not repeat your mistakes again. Initial meetings should be light and pleasant and not get into past disappointments. Suppose someone comes right out and asks you about your exhusband or ex-wife, or about your last boyfriend? You don’t have to get into that discussion if you don’t want to. Remember that you are in control when you are on a date and when you talk to Be careful when you are prospective dates online. Just say, “Well, I have typing late at night been divorced for x months (or x years), but that’s because that’s when ancient history and I’m really eager to focus on you’re tired and not paywhat’s in front of me right now.” Your initial date ing attention. You might conversations should be about the present and well send an email message to the future. Save the past for, well, future encounsomeone with the wrong screen ters when you can put it in context. name. It doesn’t happen often, but
caution
It can be hard to get information without being too direct, but try to start out by telling stories and sharing experiences. So, avoid other dealbreakers in first meetings or initial email messages, such as the following: ■ You really want to get married and have children. ■ You are looking for lifelong financial security.
it has been known to occur: You address an inquiry to Todd246 instead of Todd245. Getting out of this situation is not pleasant, but you have to explain your mistake and prepare for an irritated response. Whatever the electronic consequences, it’s better than having to get through a dinner date with someone in whom you are not remotely interested.
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■ You are looking for a really nice house and status in a specific community. ■ You want someone who wants to date you exclusively, and vice versa. All of these things may be accurate and true. You should come out with them at some point, but hold off in the beginning. It’s like a job interview: First, you find out if you are interested in the job by learning something about it. After you decide that you want to pursue the job further, you get into specifics; then you and the other party see if you really have a good match.
Financial Fraud Only a few people who visit online dating sites are out to hurt you financially. (Most professional thieves find online marketplaces such as eBay much more lucrative, frankly.) Just use your street sense; if someone asks you to show them your I.D. card (a request that might come up legitimately in the course of a casual conversation, or for another reason), don’t give out numbers. This includes credit cards, Social Security, and your driver’s license (as well as telephone and address). Criminals can misuse any of this information. When you meet someone for the first time, don’t leave your purse or wallet out where your identification can easily be seen. Someone doesn’t need actual physical possession of your credit card to make purchases over the Internet, for instance.
Dealing with Problematic Personality Types
One of the financial pitfalls that can occur as a result of online dating is the membership fee charged by your own dating service. Remember that most dating sites will keep charging you automatically on a monthly basis until you take the official action of canceling your account.
One of the best ways to uncover people who are untrustworthy and likely to take advantage of you is to look closely at the profile information they have posted online. Sometimes, people leave clues to their true personalities in those profiles. General signs include membership on the service for only a few days or weeks, unwillingness to talk about their job, and providing you with one phone number. But of course you need to protect your heart as well as your wallet. There are offputting factors that you’ll uncover only as you meet in person and the relationship progresses. On the other hand, you may decide in your head that any of the following
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might be a deal breaker, only to discover the characteristic utterly endearing in the one you’re growing to love. ■ The miser. Whether it’s sharing their feelings or splitting the cost of date, this individual is out for a free good time without contributing anything. They hold their cards so tight to their chest, it’s impossible to tell if there’s anything there that’s worth pursuing. ■ The freeloader. This is a gold digger who wants a meal ticket at no cost. They have extravagant tastes and lavish ideas about the lifestyle to which they would like to become accustomed, but it’s all take and no give when the bill arrives. ■ The tease. This is one of those perpetual dating-site members who chats and emails lots of people, but never acknowledges that there is a connection and never settles on any one person. They love the process of flirting but have no intention of following through. If they are an island unto themselves, they should stay that way. ■ The disappearing act. This is someone who is immune from the way things are supposed to proceed. It seems like all the pieces are being arranged in the puzzle, but suddenly the table is bare. They leave lots of alluring calling cards but never appear in person. ■ The smiley face. Everyone likes a good mood and optimism up to a point, but a total lack of clouds can give you a sunburn. A relationship requires depth, and you don’t want all pages in a book to contain nothing but the same ol’ unrealistic good cheer. ■ The geek. This type doesn’t seem to be able to function without a mouse in his or her hand. Onscreen, they write incredibly intriguing email. But when you try to get them offline in an actual human situation, they fade away as if they’d been unplugged. ■ The noxious fume type. Research has shown that women fall in love with someone who smells like their father, but not if your gag reflex is activated. You won’t know until you meet in person if your online sweetie has bad teeth or an allergy to soap. ■ The no anger-management type. Online they are cool, calm, and collected. However, you soon find out that nothing pleases them on a date, including you. When the temper is short, so too should be your relationship. ■ The loudmouth. When you walk into the coffee shop for the first date, their shrill laughter or booming voice can be heard above the coffee grinder. There’s no volume control in person, so hit the off switch if your favorite sound is silence.
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■ Strange fashion sense. You can look at the outfit chosen for the profile photo, but nothing can prepare you for the way someone dresses day in and day out. Which is worse? Mismatched plaids and clashing colors on someone who looks like they chose their clothes as they were escaping from a burning building, or slaves to fashion who are so focused on their own grooming they don’t have time or money for anything (or anyone) else. ■ The all-play/no-business type. Like that river in Nebraska, this type is a mile wide and an inch deep. Their serious conversations run the range from A to B and then stop cold in their tracks. You feel like the relationship isn’t going anywhere because you keep having the same date over and over. ■ The one who puts you under house arrest. Don’t mess with stress. It’s nice to feel loved and valued, but red flags should go up if your date won’t meet you in public because they are afraid you’ll see someone more attractive and leave them. The point of listing all these types is to help you detect clues early. There are some things you can learn via the computer and other things you won’t know until you’ve been dating for a while. A person is a lot different in real life than they are in the profile they write and the photo they submit. So, like peeling back layers of an onion, it’s important to keep the process moving forward and to reevaluate at every stage of the relationship. And remember that the first one to the finish line doesn’t necessarily win. Developing a relationship takes time. At some point, after you’ve begun to talk on the phone, you can ask about when the person was divorced, what the child custody agreement calls for, and other detailed questions. Of course, some really nice people might fall into one of these categories (I’m not going to reveal which one I’m in, of course, but I’m still a really nice person). In other words, not everyone who is one of these types is someone to avoid.…
Uncovering Players Any time you go out in public, you have a chance of running into someone who is basically a jerk. When you go online, the creeps have an extra advantage: You can’t see them and all you know about them is what they tell you. The relative anonymity of online dating makes it that much easier for people to go online who have no intention of being honest. They might be married; they might be perverts. They might even be malicious pranksters: Teenage boys who pose as women to try to embarrass people, for instance. Not only that, but online dating seems more isolated than dating in real life. It begins in the safety of your own home, after all. By identifying the people who aren’t really serious about finding someone and who are only in it for their own
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entertainment, you can protect yourself from disappointment. Some suggestions for doing so are presented in the sections that follow.
Watching for Inconsistencies It’s not at all uncommon to be having a wonderful time with someone who seems trustworthy as Abraham Lincoln when something goes wrong. You get a big surprise: You find out he or she is allergic to cats and you have four; you find out he or she is not at all interested in being around children, and you have several. At the very worst, you might discover that he or she is married. Don’t be reluctant to cut things off immediately and move on. Such experiences are, unfortunately, part of the online (as well as offline) dating landscape and you have to be prepared to bail.
Leaving Gracefully Never leave or go home with your cyberdate. You can extend the meeting to dinner, or anything else in a public place. But PUBLIC is the operative word here. Remember when Officer Friendly came to your grade school and told you never to get into a car with a stranger? Don’t go home with one, or to a private place of any kind, at least not for a while. I love the computer. For one thing, the invention of the Internet has allowed me to leave an office job I hated and work out of my home. I use the Web to shop, pay my bills, plan vacations, and research all sorts of interesting topics. I know that it can be used for evil as well as for good, and I use safe practices when I’m doing business online. I don’t consider this to be any different than the street smarts I developed when growing up in a big city. I love the urban lifestyle but know better than to display a big wad of cash when taking public transportation at night.
Researching Someone Beforehand The same Internet that brings you dates can help you research them online. If you are suspicious of someone or just want to learn more, it’s perfectly okay to use some of the following tools. First, look at phone directories such as Switchboard (www.switchboard.com). If you can find the person’s phone number, you can then use a reverse phone directory such as the one at www.reversephonedirectory.com/.
tip If you get a person’s phone number and you are curious about their marital status, call the number during the day. You’ll usually encounter an answering machine. Listen to the message to see whether a spouse (“Mr. or Mrs. Jones”) is mentioned.
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Beyond that, you can find out a lot by doing a search on one of the sites for amateur detectives. You are typically charged a fee to run a credit check or a criminal background check, but it might be money well spent. On one hand, you can use services that will scour phone and legal records to find general information about anyone. There are many such businesses online. Intelius (www.intelius.com) is only one example (see Figure 22.1). FIGURE 22.1 A general background check firm charges money to give you legal and contact information about individuals.
I have used Intelius myself to find contact information; a report with a phone number costs less than $10, but more extensive tests with background reports, records of legal decisions against the person, and a lengthy address history can cost more than $20. Such background checks don’t relieve you from doing all the work. It’s up to you to interpret the information you get back as a result of a search. If you see the man you’re dating listed as living at a certain address with a wife and a child, you can’t necessarily assume the information is current. You’ll still have to check divorce records to see what’s really going on (or simply talk to the person yourself). Other services have been established to provide background checks especially for people who date online. Checkmate (www.checkmate.com, shown in Figure 22.2) offers many different reports, including the following: ■ A standard background check for $33, including an address and phone number history, other residents of household, possible relatives, bankruptcies, and state criminal records
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■ A custom background check for $33, which can include county, state, or federal criminal checks ($25 each), a state divorce record search ($29), or a state marriage search ($29) FIGURE 22.2 This service provides reports for online daters wishing to perform due diligence by looking into a newfound friend.
You might have to lay out a few dollars for a background check, but you may end up saving more in the long run. You can even hire a private detective or a company that does background checks on people. Although you can get a lot of this work done on your own, too. And don’t forget that you still can’t accept their findings at face value.
The Absolute Minimum ■ Make sure you don’t assume that all is well when reality is otherwise. ■ Don’t make statements that are automatic turn-offs. ■ Conduct reviews at every stage of the relationships and adjust yourself accordingly. ■ What you learn in real life doesn’t always match what’s on the computer. ■ A few hours on a computer search or a few dollars for a background check can save a lot of time, money, and heartache in the long run.
In this chapter
• Taking stock of your profile and updating it to attract more responses
• Changing your responses and photos to put
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your best foot forward
• Relaxing your criteria—and your approach—to increase your range of dating possibilities
• Evaluating your current relationships with an eye toward the future
Improving Your Chances of Success This book’s preceding chapters have given you advice on how to get started with online dating from the standpoint of someone who’s relatively new to the game. Once you’ve gone beyond the beginner stage by joining a dating site, and meeting some people, you can’t be called a newbie any more. In fact, you’re now in a perfect position to fine-tune your dating profile and reevaluate your approach in order to reach your goal—to meet more people, or to meet the one special person you’ve always dreamed about. You’ll find some suggestions for improving your chances for dating success in the sections that follow.
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Evaluating Your Profile There is such a thing as beginner’s luck, but most of us profit from experience. As a writer, I can assure you that the sentence you’re reading didn’t start out with this exact wording. Editors rewrite text. Magazines undergo frequent redesigns. Actors and actresses get nips and tucks. I’m not suggesting you go under the knife, yourself, but I do think you should consider your dating profile to be an ongoing work-inprogress. Based on feedback from your contacts, reevaluate the following every few weeks: ■ Is your information current and up-to-date? If your formerly blonde hair is now titian red or you’ve moved from the Big Apple to the Sunshine State, change your particulars. ■ Review your style of writing. Are you coming across as too flip or as too serious? Consider the responses you’ve been getting and whether or not they match the types of people you’re hoping to meet. ■ Take another look at your content. Do people seem frustrated because there’s not enough to read or are they overwhelmed by too much information? Has anything interesting or amusing happened to you lately that you would like to include? Is a holiday or season coming up that’s important to you? Do what you can to make your material sound fresh. ■ Don’t forget to proof. You might find a typo that you missed before or you may change a phrase without realizing that the sentence now doesn’t make sense. When you’re sure it’s perfect, reread it again.
DR. DATE SEZ… Although it’s a good idea to jump back into the dating fray if you break up with someone, it’s also a good idea to take a break once in a while. You might be able to improve your success rate simply by taking a week or two off. When you return, you’ll not only be refreshed, but you’re likely to find some new dating-site members waiting for you.
Editing Your Profile After you’ve been online and dating for a while, take a look at your profile to make sure it’s still accurate and the best you can do. The more you refine and perfect your profile, the more responses you’re likely to receive. Read your essay questions over to make sure that they accurately reflect your personality and your outlook. (First of all, make sure you have provided essays every
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place you are given the opportunity to do so.) Essays aren’t marketing tools. If your essay makes you seem more effervescent, more glamorous, or wilder than you really are, you’re going to attract people who are more effervescent, glamorous, and wild than you really want. Make sure your essays are accurate so you don’t disappoint the people you attract, not to mention yourself.
Changing Your Photos
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tip It’s always a good idea to have a trusted friend look over your essay to make sure it tells everything you want and need to say about yourself. People often don’t want to mention the very qualities that make them unique. Your friends can help you write about such qualities in a way that is truthful and doesn’t exaggerate.
If you ever change one thing about the way you present yourself to online singles, change your photo. If you don’t have any photos, only a bunch of answers to questions, the single best thing you can do is immediately post a photo. There’s no point to submitting a profile without a photo, if you are at all serious about online dating. As far as changing your dating profile photos, you can
■ Add more photos. If you have only one photo online, add one or two more. Show yourself in different environments: outside, inside, at play, and relaxing at home. Don’t display photos of yourself with other people; they raise questions and make potential dates feel uncertain. Put all of the focus on you alone. ■ Edit your photo. Simply cropping and lightening up your photo in a graphics-editing program can improve your appearance without altering how you actually look. ■ Take new photos. If your photos are out of date, other members will know it. Keep your photos fresh; make sure they account for new hairstyles, changes in weight, and other physical differences that might surprise your dates when they meet you for the first time. In any case, your goal should be to give people a realistic idea of how you look— but, having said that, make sure you look your best.
Creating a Photo Album One thing you can do is create a set of photos that might be called an online “album.” If you have only one or two photos, creating an album will attract more interest. An album should show you in different poses and situations, which sends the desirable message that you’re into lots of different kinds of activities. Photos that
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show you relaxing outside of your own house are good, but consider the following additional scenes: ■ You in an indoor scene, relaxed and smiling—but not with a drink in your hand or food in your lap ■ You with one of your pets ■ A scene in a beautiful location, such as a favorite vacation spot Be prepared to answer questions about your photos; it’s a common opening question posed by people trying to get to know you. In other words, the pet in the photo should be yours, and the beautiful scenery in the back of your photo should represent a memory you’re willing to recall and describe (not the place where you and your former spouse broke up, for instance).
Editing Your Photos Even if you already have some photos online, chances are you can edit them in a way that puts you in a better light—or any light at all. I’m continually amazed at how many dating profiles include poor photos. I’m talking about photos that are dark, in which the man or woman is small against the background, appears with an unidentified person of the opposite sex, or any number of technical problems. The easiest thing you can do to is to open your photo in an editing program and adjust it. You don’t have to be a professional graphic designer to make the adjustments. Sometimes, all you have to do is crop out the parts of the photo that are unnecessary and distracting, and resize the image so it focuses on you more clearly. Consider the photo of the author on the left in Figure 23.1. By cropping out the hands and most of the suit, brightening the image, and boosting the contrast a little, a more inviting and less formal photo results. FIGURE 23.1 Simply cropping and resizing an existing image can make it more inviting.
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Changing Your Approach Remember how it felt when you first decided to start online dating? You were bright and eager and ready to jump into the fray. You probably couldn’t wait to fall in love and were totally consumed by the idea that you would soon pair off with someone. By now you’re no doubt a little more aware of the mistakes that can be made, but that’s no reason to get jaded. The main overall goal of life, after all, is to continue to be your own person while remaining connected to others. As you process the experiences of online dating, you’ll be better able to define what you want and don’t want, as well as what you should be prepared to deal with and what you really won’t tolerate. It’s all a way of concentrating on the areas where you shine and feeling good about sharing important parts of your life with others.
Loosening Up Your Criteria
tip Typically, you can download a graphics program and use it for 30 days for free; you can then make the adjustments during the trial period. If you find the program easy to use and suitable for your needs, pay the purchase price so you can keep using it. Adobe Photoshop Elements is far less expensive than Adobe Photoshop ($99.99 for the Windows version and $89.99 for the Macintosh version) but contains many of the same imageediting features as its big brother. It’s also available for a 30-day trial. Find out more at www.adobe.com/products/ photoshopelwin/main.html.
When I was researching the chapter on specialty dating, I came across a story of a staunch Republican who never considered dating a liberal Democrat—that is, not until he was approached by a Democratic woman who had a fondness for conservative men. They ended up being happily married. You, too, probably have a set of criteria that you consider nonnegotiable. In other words, they are either deal-breakers or musthaves. If you loosen up these restrictions, you’ll end up with more dates, and you might just meet a long-term partner, too.
Relaxing Your Attitude When you go to a party where only a dozen or so people are present and only one or two singles who interest you are included, it’s easy to take things seriously. When you go online and are confronted by dozens of interesting singles, it pays to be more relaxed about the encounters. Don’t take things too seriously: Get used to talking to people casually and shopping around, and resist the urge to latch on to the first eligible bachelor or bachelorette you meet. Don’t commit yourself emotionally until you actually meet someone in person. Until then, keep it casual, light, and upbeat.
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Remember to keep a positive attitude as much as possible. If you are in mourning over the end of a previous relationship, you should probably wait a while before going online in the first place. If you accept yourself and your situation, you’ll be able to talk about yourself in a positive, attractive way, both in your dating profile and when you meet someone in person. Think of the process as the affection of a parent for a good but sometimes troubled kid. Sure One of the classic online dating gives you occasional headaches and problems with online heartaches, but try to love it anyway. Just hang in daters—one that I hear about all there and keep trying. the time—is that people are never satisfied. They keep dating, almost compulsively, carried on by the thrill of continually meeting Some hostesses that throw frequent dinner parties new people without getting keep written records of who was invited, what food entangled in a long-term commitwas served, how the table was decorated, and even ment. It’s true that going online what dress they wore. Most of us have friends that presents a set of dating prospects are only too happy to eat pizza from the same that seems endless. But if you never settle on anyone, are you place every time they come over, but there’s still really being honest with the peosomething to be said for documentation. You can ple you date, and are you really easily get so involved in instant messaging and doing justice to yourself? Define chatting with so many people that you don’t even your goals more clearly and, remember who you have emailed. You don’t when you find someone who remember who approached whom, you forget meets them, settle on that person screen names, and you don’t remember where you and get to know them better. went on a first date.
Keeping a Dating Diary
One advantage is to not embarrass yourself by thinking it’s your first conversation on the phone when you actually had coffee with the person two weeks ago. Another good reason for keeping a journal or diary of what you did online—where you went and who you met—is so that you don’t repeat the same mistakes. The purpose of such a journal is to help you recognize your patterns of behavior and correct them so you improve your overall experience in the future.
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You might include a standard set of journal topics for each day: ■ When did you go online? ■ Whom did you meet? Whenever you go out on a date with someone you first met online, be sure to include the following: ■ Who asked whom out? ■ Where did you go? ■ Who suggested moving from email to the phone? ■ Who suggested meeting in person? ■ How long have you been dating? The value of maintaining such a record is in how often you review the information and use it to improve your dating success. Every few weeks, look over your data for trends. For instance, if you find that you’re the one asking people out all the time and your dates just aren’t working out, maybe you’re forcing the issue. You might want to lay back and wait until someone asks you out for a change.
Evaluating Your Current Relationships After you’ve kissed a lot of frogs, you might find the person who could be your perfect prince or princess. By now, though, you know that it takes more than good intentions to live happily ever after. It’s not as simple as riding off into the sunset.
Getting on the Same Page To begin with, make sure you’re both on the same page. It’s not uncommon for one partner to be saying “I love you” with commitment, while the other one is parroting a lyric from a ballad. One of you might think you’re having the best dating experience ever, while the other enjoys themselves for a while but then decides that their feelings have changed. And, on the other side of the coin, how do you keep from putting your money on the wrong horse? Is this person really going to work out in the long run or are you both so eager to make it happen that you’re blocking out some obvious problems? There are some factors to consider while you’re making your assessment.
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Having a State-of-the-Relationship Talk Do you like each other as well as love each other? Think back to how your profiles matched. What were some differences that you found intriguing? Do you have enough in common to be solid friends but are you different enough to keep it interesting? As a rule, it’s good to agree on the really important issues but also to endure difficulties and learn from them. ■ Everyone has a touch of commitment phobia. Are you both really ready to cash in your chips? Do either of you miss the thrill of the chase? We’re only human and there’s always a temptation to remain a “player,” especially when you know there are new hotties getting into online dating all the time. ■ Relationships don’t get very far without trust. If either of you had little white lies in your profiles, have they been revealed and forgiven? Are there further secrets to be explained? If you didn’t know each other before meeting online and if you don’t have mutual friends to verify statements, you better take some time to make sure you have faith in each other. ■ You probably got to know each other via email and telephone calls. Do you still speak the same language in person? Are you both able to talk as well as listen? Do you respect each other’s values and like the way they are expressed? If religion or ethnic traditions are important to one of you, make sure the other one can join in or can allow you to pursue your interests on your own.
DR. DATE SEZ… Unless you intend to live on a two-person island, you’re going to have to go public and come out of the online relationship “closet.” Are you okay with the way your new love will fit in with your previous friends and with your family? This is particularly important if either of you has children from former relationships. Online dating starts as a very private and personal process. Make sure you know what you need to know about the life that your lover had before you met, and that you have solid plans for making your new life together in a mutually agreeable community.
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The Absolute Minimum ■ Once you have some experience with online dating, you can adjust your profile to meet more or different people. ■ If you have to change anything about your profile, edit your photos: Take new ones or edit the ones you have. ■ Changing your approach can spice up your dating experience: Loosen up the number of nonnegotiable criteria you list for a date, and take a more relaxed attitude toward the people you meet. ■ Keeping a record of your activities can help you remember the screen names and real names of the people you’ve met; it can also provide information you can use to improve your dates. ■ Make sure you communicate with the people you date so that you’re on the same page to avoid disagreements over commitment and other important issues.
In this chapter
• Finding support on your chosen dating site • Joining web-based discussion groups for help and advice
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• Venturing into Usenet for some strong opinions
• Securing professional help on the Internet
Finding Support Emotions play a big role in online dating. Emotions make your experience exciting, as well as occasionally disheartening. Emotions can also cloud your judgment: When you can’t see someone in person or read his or her body language, you’re at a disadvantage. A single remark or a response in an email or chat message can propel you to the heights of ecstasy or plunge you into the depths of despair. Online support groups can prevent you from making mistaken judgments or bad choices. Turn to friends and family first; have them read a dating profile or a flirtatious message, or evaluate a comment you’ve read online. After friends and family, turn to the Internet itself for support. This chapter describes the many other sources of support you can find in cyberspace, such as discussion groups, mailing lists, counselors, and communities created by specific dating venues for their members.
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Turning to Your Dating Service Provider As you know, an Internet service provider (ISP) is a company that gives you access to the Internet. I use the term Dating Service Provider (DSP) to describe a company that gives you access to other singles. The first, and in many ways best, place to turn if you have problems or questions is your own dating site. The site’s support staff should be able to solve any technical problems you might encounter. I’m talking about feelings here: feelings of rejection, fear, and skepticism that naturally arise as you meet new people. The better the site, the greater the options it will provide for asking questions and getting support. If you are the type of person who likes to talk things over with friends or family and likes to be part of a community, look for a DSP that offers community venues: places where you can talk things over with members of the same dating site you use. The kinds of venues you should look for, as well as suggestions for using them, are described in the sections that follow.
Making a Marketplace a Community I’m a big booster of the popular auction site eBay (www.ebay.com). One of the attributes of eBay that has made it so popular is the fact that it provides online venues where buyers and sellers can meet one another and socialize. eBay’s chat rooms, message boards, and user groups are the reason why members love eBay and keep revisiting: They return not just to shop or sell, but to visit with their friends or solve problems by asking for help in the community. One thing that surprises me about DSPs is the fact that so few of them give their clients the chance to talk to one another casually—not in the course of looking for dates, but after the searching and dating is over. DSPs that offer message boards and chat areas where people can talk about politics, computers, cars, or anything that is on their minds and that take their minds off dating, give their customers more for their monthly fee. Some DSPs have discussion boards, and others have announcement boards. Either might be called a message board, but they have different purposes: ■ Announcement boards let people post a statement, usually about how wonderful the dating service is—but they don’t permit discussions. ■ Discussion boards enable individuals to ask questions or make comments, which then receive responses from other users. Announcement boards that consist of a glowing series of statements such as “I just got married to someone I met on your site,” “Your site is the best one around,” or
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“Many thanks for introducing me to all those wonderful guys” are of virtually no value. You don’t know whether or not the comments are legitimate, and the glowing reports don’t mean you’re going to have the same positive experience, either. On the other hand, discussion boards that allow you to meet other daters and to share your experiences can enhance your overall experience. They give you another reason to visit the site regularly, and they open up new connections with potential friends. DR. DATE SEZ… Dating sites haven’t yet followed eBay’s example in creating extensive opportunities for community interaction. In my opinion, they would benefit by instituting some sort of feedback system: a system whereby people who have dated or interacted with someone can provide brief feedback in some way on whether the person is trustworthy or seems to be dishonest. I’m not saying that dating venues should emulate eBay in every respect. A system in which singles “bid” on a date with someone and the date goes to the highest bidder is not something I would recommend, for instance. However, the ability for people to leave brief comments about others they’ve met online would encourage good behavior.
Learning About Your Peers What better person to ask about a potential dating partner than someone who has gone out with that person, or who has interacted with that person? If you have a question about someone, ask. All’s fair in love and war, after all. Of course, it can be difficult if not impossible to find out which members of a dating site have gone out with other members. The only way you can find out for sure is if the person you are interested in happens to mention this. Or, you can ask an open question on the site’s message boards. CourtshipConnection.net has such boards, where members can talk not only about “courtship” but parenting issues, homeschooling, and other topics (see Figure 24.1). You have to be careful when approaching clients of a particular site with questions about other clients. Don’t do it in a way that is offensive. Consider asking the question in a nonpersonal, nonaccusatory way. Be specific and not general about your questions. Try asking the question this way: I have been approached by a HoneyBoy575 and he has asked me to meet him at his apartment building. I keep suggesting a coffee shop but he doesn’t seem interested in this. He seems like a really nice fellow; I’ve spoken with him on the phone and he seems really nice. Does anyone have any advice about this? Has anyone talked to this member before?
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FIGURE 24.1 Dating site message boards are the best place to find out about other members.
This is a much more specific and nonharmful way of asking about a person than something like this: I really have my suspicions about this woman and I don’t know what to do. I’ve been sending her email messages for two months now and I think we’re getting along okay, but she just won’t give me her phone number. She says she just doesn’t like talking on the phone. What are we all doing this for if not to meet in person at some point? I can’t believe she’s teasing me and leading me along like this! Anyone agree? The second example makes it clear only that you are looking for a particular type of response and no other. It also suggests that you have made up your mind about someone; even if you have made up your mind, make your question nonpersonal. It reflects better upon you than if you use your discussion group only to complain about someone.
Just because a dating site has message boards doesn’t mean those boards are well used. The SinglePlaymates.com message boards (www.singleplaymates. com/cgi-bin/msgboard/ikonboard.cgi) had only about five messages when I visited. Low use of message boards indicates low participation among the DSP’s clients, and suggests that there may not be that many active clients in the first place.
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Learning About Your DSP Sometimes it’s easier to find out a DSP’s feature or procedure from another user of that site rather than the site’s own support staff. It shouldn’t be that way, but it is. Web pages full of Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) don’t always cover every possible question, for instance. And the fact is, many websites make it difficult to contact their support staff. They do this, presumably, to reduce the load on the staff. The best option is a Live Help feature that enables you to type a message and send it immediately to the staff of the service you are using. Not all sites have such a feature because it’s expensive to train and provide the staff in order to make it work. Sometimes it’s better to turn to message boards to get an unbiased view of the service from the people who use it. Suppose that you have signed up on a site for a month’s trial period, and the day is fast approaching when you need to decide whether you want to start paying a monthly fee to stay on the site, or to renew your existing subscription for a longer period of time. Asking people you meet on the boards how long they have been a customer, and whether they are happy with their level of service, can give you the information you need to make a decision. You might ask questions like these: ■ Does the number of dates go up over a six-month period or a year period? ■ Do you feel like the longer you are on this site, the more people you meet? ■ Do you feel like it’s a good idea to be on this site for a long period of time so that you can come back to it again if things don’t work out with someone? ■ Is there any reason to remain a customer of this site even though you have found a partner with whom you are planning a long-term relationship? Some of these questions can, of course, be posed to the site’s support staff. However, you are likely to get glowing, positive answers that are primarily intended to induce you to remain a member.
tip The same sorts of customer support considerations that apply with an ISP also pertain to a DSP. Choose a site that has friendly customer service people who are easy to reach. While you don’t need technical support staff who are available on a 24/7 basis, as you might with an ISP, you should at least sign up with a site that has support personnel who are available in the evenings and on weekends (when you are more likely to use the dating-site services), and who can be reached by phone rather than email only. A site that has a toll-free customer support number also is a plus.
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Turning to Website Discussion Groups Some of the liveliest and most helpful sites are ones that have been established by websites that have nothing to do with dating as such, but that primarily exist to bring people together. Such sites include the women’s network Oxygen!, and the men’s networks AskMen.Com and Men’s Health. These places have lots of people because they are big and well-known, and because they are full featured and well developed. The fact that they are well established means that they have lots of support staff, making it more likely that you’ll find people who are dating online or who have experience with the subject. The iVillage Online Dating message board (http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlcyber) shown in Figure 24.2 is a good example. FIGURE 24.2 Sites that don’t focus on dating can be a source of unbiased opinions about them.
Websites differ in their intended audience and the types of venues they provide. Table 24.1 provides some suggestions, and groups them by their intended audience (men, women, or both).
Table 24.1
Websites with Discussion Groups
Site Men AskMen.com MensHealth.com
URL
Types of Discussion Areas
www.askmen.com/message_ boards/index.html
Love and relationships, fitness, health, and many other topics.
www.menshealth.com/ cda/home/0,,s1-0-0-0-0,00. html#message_center
This Dating Life, fitness, style, and more.
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Site
URL
Types of Discussion Areas
Women iVillage Online Dating Board
http://messageboards.ivillage. com/iv-rlcyber
Message boards on dating and unrelated topics.
WWWomen.com
http://talk.wwwomen.com/
The Vent Café, Women with Special Needs, About the House, I Am Grateful For, and much more.
Men & Women Christian Soulmates
www.christiansoulmates.com/
Bulletin boards for Christian singles.
Yahoo! Groups
http://groups.yahoo.com
Search for “dating” and you’ll find many groups devoted to dating in U.S. or other countries, as well as those devoted to special needs.
When you begin to use website message boards, you will encounter a set of rules and procedures that you may not be familiar with. Some examples are presented in the following sections.
Suggesting a Topic Before you suggest a brand-new topic, do a search of all the messages on the site to see if the same problem has already been addressed. It may well have been discussed by members of the group several weeks before, or perhaps even the day before. If the subject was discussed recently, the members who participate The fact that discussions on the boards regularly may be reluctant to bring are archived for days or it up again. Regulars probably will post a weeks at a time should response suggesting that you look back to records alert you to the need to of previous discussions. In that case, you should be civil, courteous, and look up the past discussions yourself. even professional about the messages you post and the comments Many discussion groups give you a way to look you make in response to other peoback to messages that have been exchanged in ple’s postings. Depending on the the recent past. Just how far back the records go site that provides the message depends on the site and its available storage boards, it’s possible that your comspace—but there ought to be a way to go back to ments will be online for months or discussions held the previous day or week. The even years at a time, and they can WWWomen.com Community Search Page shown be retrieved by people doing in Figure 24.3 provides a good example: You searches from any web search have plenty of search options, including the abilservice. ity to search by keyword, by date, and by forum.
caution
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ABSOLUTE BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING
FIGURE 24.3 Discussion forums should allow you to search by keyword or date for comments on specific topics.
Joining an Existing Thread Just because a discussion was initiated six weeks ago doesn’t mean it is dead or dormant. The thread of the discussion may still be active and responses may still be added today, even if the original posting was made weeks ago. A discussion thread is a series of messages and responses on a single topic—or, at least, the topic that was posted initially and that started the thread. Most discussion groups enable you to view the messages that make up a thread by clicking the plus sign (+) that sometimes appears next to the message topic; or, more often, by clicking the highlighted topic itself. You can respond to a single individual you want to reach privately, or you can respond to the entire group. It’s also a good idea to quote material to people who join the thread late in the game so they will know the topic of the original discussion.
Chatting Up a Storm DSPs like FriendFinder (www.friendfinder.com, shown in Figure 24.4) provide chat rooms rather than (or in addition to) message boards. Chat works if you are looking for the immediacy of a group conversation. It’s hard to generate your own serious questions in chat rooms, however. Often, chats are scheduled for specific times and are held to discuss specific topics. Some chat rooms are dedicated to individuals who live in a particular area, for women or men only, for those who want to get sexy, or
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for those who specifically want to chat without getting sexy. In some chat areas, you might want to talk about dating, but the topic might be vegetarian cooking, for instance. If you are lucky, you’ll find a chat on dating and relationships, at a time when you are available. FIGURE 24.4 Some sites provide you with the ability to chat about dating and relationships or any subject at all.
Special Needs Support Groups If you identify with a group based on your background or personal attributes, you’ll get even more benefit from joining a group of individuals who share your concerns. Putting yourself out there in a dating venue can leave you more vulnerable than other singles. Rejections hurt more, as does a lack of response. A word or two of encouragement (or perhaps constructive criticism) can mean the difference between giving up and staying in the game until the right person comes along.
Walking on the Wild Side: Usenet Usenet is the place where you can let it all hang out. If you want to complain, spout off, or voice reservations about your dating website, newsgroups are the place to go. Expressions marked by profanity or harsh accusations about people who rejected you are par for the course here. I don’t want to give you the impression that Usenet is a place where everyone swears and fights. Most of the interactions you find there are are quite civil, and most of the
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people you meet there are quite generous with their time and knowledge. Because so many people visit Usenet newsgroups every day, your chances of finding an answer to your dating and relationships questions are quite good. Try the following groups:
caution
■ soc.singles.moderated ■ soc.sexuality.general ■ alt.support.divorce ■ alt.dating.singlescrowd.uk The last group on the list might seem like it’s not useful for people living outside the United Kingdom. However, the group is less cluttered with advertisements and profanity than other “alt” newsgroups, and there are many threads on dating in general rather than individuals looking for specific types of boyfriends and girlfriends.
It’s amazingly easy to become embroiled in disputes in newsgroups. Without even trying to be confrontational, you immediately find someone who accuses you of being offensive in some way, or who even starts calling you names. Such individuals seem to frequent newsgroups only to get in fights called flame wars. If you encounter such people, just ignore them and try another venue.
Looking for Professional Help Chances are if you are embarking on online dating, you have gone through or are currently going through some significant stress. Leaving a boyfriend or girlfriend is one thing. Divorce or the death of a spouse or companion is even more serious. Dating can bring out tensions and problems that have been bothering you on a long-term basis. If you have trouble getting a date, or if none of the dates works out the way you want, this might reinforce existing feelings of inadequacy or loneliness. If that’s the case, you may want to turn to a therapist who can help you work through your distress. Many people can take advantage of employee-assistance programs through their place of business. Also see your family physician for recommendations. If you can get insurance to cover therapy, so much the better. Otherwise you might want to consider going online to find help. Some online places that provide counseling are covered by insurance as well. Find-a-Therapist.com (www.find-a-therapist.com) helps
CHAPTER 24
you find therapists in your geographic area; the site contains links to an online therapy service called 4eTherapy.com (www.etherapistsonline.com/) that lets you consult with a therapist by email or chat. The Internet can help in two ways. You can, of course, Google therapists in your geographic area. Or, you actually can approach therapists online and exchange email or phone messages with them. Therapists who are technically savvy enough to be wired to the Internet are likely to be able to help you with problems you encounter while online.
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tip Psychotherapist Tina Tessina has also written a book on dating. Find out more at www.tinatessina.com.
The Absolute Minimum ■ Email is one of the best and safest ways to get to know someone and to decide whether you want to go out with them. ■ When it comes to email, less is more: Resist the temptation to “tell all.” Give a few short facts and end with an open-ended question. ■ Be polite at all times, don’t offend any of your email correspondents, and steer clear of controversial subjects. ■ Remember to double-check your spelling, and edit down your messages so that they don’t turn someone off.
Index A Absolute Beginner’s Guide to Digital Photography, 27 acronyms IM (instant messaging), 171 text messaging, 172-173 activating dating service memberships, 87 Adobe Photoshop Elements, 33 Adult FriendFinder, 135 advantages of online dating, 9-11 advice. See dating advice age, describing in profiles, 97-98 age differences cautions, 239 dates who don’t act their age, 239 younger dates, 238 al-usrah.net matrimonial service, 194 all-play/no-business types, 270 AmericanSingles.com, 55, 74 anecdotes, telling in profiles, 115 announcement boards, 286-287
anonymous web browsing, 256-257 appearance, describing in profiles, 99 Apple QuickTime, 30 AskMen.com, 37, 290 astrology, 94-95 The Atlasphere, 227 attitudes relaxing, 279-280 toward dating services, 88-89 automatic matchmaking, 145 automating profiles Dating Profile Creator, 102-104 templates, 101-102 avoiding bad dates, 265-266 financial fraud, 268 inconsistencies, 271 leaving gracefully, 271 players, 270-271 potential dates, researching beforehand, 271-273 problem personality types, 268-270 saying the wrong things, 267-268 what can go wrong, 266-267
B background checks, 272-273 bad dates, avoiding, 265-266 financial fraud, 268 inconsistencies, 271 leaving gracefully, 271 players, 270-271 potential dates, researching beforehand, 271-273 problem personality types, 268-270 saying the wrong things, 267-268 what can go wrong, 266-267 Bible study partners, searching for, 191-192 BigChurch.com, 190-191 blocking IMs (instant messages), 171 personal information contact information, 254 photos, 254-255 breakups, 197 dealing with, 202-204 explaining what went wrong, 201 how to say “no” early in relationships, 198-199 late in relationships, 200
298
BREAKUPS
making firm good-byes, 201-202 saying goodbye without explanation, 201 brightness (photos), changing, 129 browsers, 29-30 browsing dating services without registering, 80 Buddhist dating services, 194
C cameras, digital, 26-27, 123-125 CatholicMingle, 189 CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), 138 cell phones, 28 text messaging, 171-174 Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 138 changing your approach to dating, 279 chat chat rooms, 31, 174-175 chat software, 31 checking email, 156 children, involving in weddings, 215 Choose File dialog box, 121 choosing dating services, 51-52, 57, 65-68 AmericanSingles.com, 74 background research, 58 comparing services, 66-67 eHarmony, 76
evaluating services, 75, 84-85 free sites, 54-55 FriendFinder, 74 joining multiple services, 77-78 Lavalife, 73-74 location, 57-58 Match.com, 71-72 matchmaking policies, 58-59 messaging, 62 myths and truths, 52-53 niche sites, 75-76 online profile types, 59-61 opinions and reviews, 77 privacy, 62 religious dating services, 188-189 specialty services, 56-57 subscription services, 55-56 tips and tricks, 67-68 top 10 dating services, 69 Yahoo! Personals, 69-71 headlines, 82-84 passwords, 25 screen names, 82-84, 257 Christian dating services, 189-192 Bible study partners, 191-192 CatholicMingle, 189 Christian Soulmates, 291 LDS Singles, 189 Christian Soulmates, 291 clock-watchers, 20 coaches. See counselors common backgrounds, 228 competition, 10
Complete Idiot’s Guide to Adobe Photoshop Elements 2, 33 computers, setting up for online dating, 23 cell phones, 28 chat software, 31 digital cameras, 26-27 instant messaging, 31-32 Internet connections, 26 minimum requirements, 24-25 multimedia equipment, 27-28 photo editors, 32-33 text/SMS messaging, 32 web browser plug-ins, 30 web browsers, 29-30 confetti.com, 213 confidence, 10 contact information, blocking, 254 contacting potential dates, 143-144 cautions, 152 contacting multiple people, 148 dating service messaging systems, 147-149 online flirting, 148 privacy issues, 148-149 email, 150 instant messaging, 150, 167-169 acronyms, 171 length of messages, 170 what to say, 169-170 text messaging, 171-174 what to say/what not to say, 150-152 contacts, responding to, 89 contrast (photos), changing, 129 controversial topics, 164
DATING SERVICES
costs FriendFinder, 74 Lavalife, 73 Match.com, 72 Yahoo! Personals, 70 counselors, 38-39 editing services, 39-41 email/telephone counseling, 42 essay writing services, 44-45 free advice, 41-42 Friendster, 45-47 introduction agencies, 42-44 courteous breakups, 200-201 Craigslist, 229 creative/unstructured online profiles, 61 cropping photos, 128 current relationships, evaluating getting on the same page, 281 state-of-the-relationship talks, 282
D Date Seeker, 77 dates from hell, avoiding, 265-266 financial fraud, 268 inconsistencies, 271 leaving gracefully, 271 players, 270-271 potential dates, researching beforehand, 271-273 problem personality types, 268-270
saying the wrong things, 267-268 what can go wrong, 266-267 Dating & Relationships Discussion Forum, 37, 58 dating advice, 35-36 dating counselors, 38-39 editing services, 39-41 email/telephone counseling, 42 essay-writing services, 44-45 free advice, 41-42 Friendster, 45-47 introduction agencies, 42-44 discussion groups, 36-37 mailing lists, 37-38 web resources, 36 dating counselors, 38-39 editing services, 39-41 email/telephone counseling, 42 essay-writing services, 44-45 free advice, 41-42 Friendster, 45-47 introduction agencies, 42-44 dating diaries, 280-281 Dating For Smokers, 228 dating phase of relationships, 199 Dating Profile Creator, 102-104 Dating Reviews Online, 77 dating service providers (DSPs). See dating services
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dating services, 51-52, 65-68. See also names of specific dating services activating memberships, 87 browsing without registering, 80 choosing background research, 58 free sites, 54-55 location, 57-58 matchmaking policies, 58-59 messaging, 62 online profile types, 59-61 privacy, 62 specialty services, 56-57 subscription services, 55-56 comparing, 66-67 evaluating, 75, 84-85 free memberships, 81 guided tours/online tours, 83 invitation-only services, 259 joining multiple services, 77-78 lawsuits against, 68 messaging systems, 62, 147-149 online flirting, 148 privacy issues, 148-149 myths and truths, 52-53 niche sites, 75-76 opinions and reviews, 77 privacy anonymous web browsing, 256-257 personal information, blocking, 254-255 phone numbers, 258 screen IDs, 257 realistic expectations, 88-89
How can we make this index more useful? Email us at [email protected]
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DATING SERVICES
religious dating services Buddhist services, 194 choosing, 188-189 Christian services, 189-192 Hindu services, 194 Jewish services, 192-194 Muslim services, 194 researching, 58 Russian brides, 135, 244-245 sexy sites, 134-135 specialty dating, 219 disabilities, 221 large-size singles, 220 sexually transmitted diseases, 221 support announcement boards, 286-287 discussion boards, 286-289 live help features, 289 peer support, 287-288 surveys, 85-87 swingers, 133-134 tips for success, 67-68 changing your approach, 279 dating diaries, 280-281 evaluating current relationships, 281-282 loosening up your criteria, 279 profiles, 276-278 relaxing your attitude, 279-280 top 10 dating services, 69 trial memberships, 80-81 Dating Sites Reviews, 77 dating success, tips for changing your approach, 279 dating diaries, 280-281
evaluating current relationships getting on the same page, 281 state-of-the-relationship talks, 282 loosening up your criteria, 279 profiles, 276-278 relaxing your attitude, 279-280 dating webcams, 28 Deafdates.com, 75 dealing with rejection, 202-204 detailed/structured online profiles, 59-61 DharmaDate.com, 194 diaries, 280-281 digital cameras, 26-27, 123-125 digital photos. See photos disappearing acts, 269 discussion boards, 286-289 discussion groups, 36-37, 290-293 chat, 292 joining threads, 292 special needs support groups, 293 suggesting topics, 291 dishonesty online, 53 distance relationships, 10, 241-242 challenges of small towns/rural areas, 247 dating overseas, 243 face-to-face meetings, 248-249 family/friend support, 243 frequent travelers, 246-247 keeping in touch, 242-243
relocation, 248 Russian brides, 244-245 dodgeball.com, 173 DSPs (dating service providers). See dating services
E eBay, 27 eDateReview, 77 editing editing services, 39-41 photos, 126, 278 brightness/contrast, 129 cropping, 128 retouching, 128 profiles, 276-278 editing services, 39-41 education level, describing in profiles, 99-100 eHarmony, 76, 85-87 email accounts, 24 building trust through, 149 checking, 156 email counseling, 42 email flirtation, 159-160 avoiding turn-offs, 162-163 controversial topics, 164 conveying emotion, 160-161 flaming, 164 greetings and salutations, 160 meeting in person, 165 message headers, 164 privacy, 165 quoting, 164 smileys, 164 warning signs, 161-162 email programs, 157 mailing lists, 37-38
FLIRTING
sending to potential dates, 150 spell checking, 158 employee-assistance programs, 294 EquestrianSingles.com, 223 erotic connections. See sexual relationships essays for profiles, 107 anecdotes, 115 editorial help, 116 essay-writing services, 44-45 essay-writing tips, 110-112 forms, filling out, 108-110 jokes, 115 keywords, 116 learning from others’ essays, 114 length of, 115 short essays/mini-essays, 112 truthfulness and consistency, 115 “under construction” essays, 113 ethnic traditions, 194-195 etiquette (email), 155-156 avoiding turn-offs, 162-163 checking mail regularly, 156 controversial topics, 164 conveying emotion, 160-161 email flirtation, 159-160 email programs, 157 flaming, 164 greetings and salutations, 160 message headers, 164 privacy, 165 quoting, 164 smileys, 164 spell checking, 158 warning signs, 161-162
evaluating current relationships getting on the same page, 281 state-of-the-relationship talks, 282 dating services, 75, 84-85 potential dates, 152 profiles, 276 exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend phase of relationships, 199 exit strategies, 183 expectations of dating services, 88-89 Expedia.com, 211 explaining what went wrong in relationships, 201
F face-to-face meetings, 177-178 exit strategies, 183 following up on, 184-185 long-distance relationships, 248-249 precautions and safety tips, 183-184 questions to ask, 182-183 time and place, choosing coffee shops/restaurants, 179-180 informal approach, 179 lunch meetings, 178 patient approach, 179 visual cues, 181-182 family support, 258-259 fears, overcoming, 11-12 filling out forms, 108-110 surveys, 85-87 financial fraud, 268
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finding potential dates, 144-145 automatic matchmaking, 145 searching profiles, 145-147 finding support. See support first contact with potential dates cautions, 152 contacting multiple people, 148 dating service messaging systems, 147-149 online flirting, 148 privacy issues, 148-149 email, 150 instant messaging, 150, 167-169 acronyms, 171 length of messages, 170 what to say, 169-170 text messaging, 171-174 what not to say, 152 what to say, 150-152 fitness-related dating services, 223 Fitness Singles, 223 flaming, 164 Flash Player, 30 flirting, 62 dating service messaging systems, 148 email flirtation, 159-160 avoiding turn-offs, 162-163 controversial topics, 164 conveying emotion, 160-161 flaming, 164 greetings and salutations, 160 meeting in person, 165 message headers, 164
How can we make this index more useful? Email us at [email protected]
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privacy, 165 quoting, 164 smileys, 164 warning signs, 161-162 following up on meetings, 184-185 forms, filling out, 108, 110 fraud, 268 free advice, 41-42 free dating sites, 54-55 free memberships, 81 freeloaders, 269 frequent travelers, dating advice for, 246-247 friend/family support, 258-259 FriendFinder, 74 Friendster, 45-47 Froogle, 26, 122 Fropper.com, 118
G games, virtual sex games, 136 gay and lesbian dating, 226 gay dating services, 75 geeks, 269 GetRomantic.com, 37 “getting to know you” stage of relationships, 199 goals of online dating long-term romance, 17-18 short-term fun, 17 golden-aged daters. See middle-aged daters Green Singles, 227 group-related events, 13
H hardware cell phones, 28 digital cameras, 26-27 Internet connections, 26 multimedia equipment, 27-28 harassment, 262 headers (email), 164 headlines, choosing, 82, 84 health issues, 234 healthy attitudes toward dating services, 88-89 HiFiSoulMate, 223 Hindu dating services, 194 hobbies, 222 pets, 223-224 political and social causes, 226-227 sports, 223 Honeymooners Travel & Registry LLC, 211 honeymoons, planning online, 211
I IM (instant messaging), 31-32, 167-169 acronyms, 171 blocking, 171 length of messages, 170 sending messages to potential dates, 150 what to say, 169-170 images. See photos income, describing in profiles, 99-100 inconsistencies, watching for, 271
informal approach to meeting in person, 178-179 initial contact with potential dates, 199 cautions, 152 contacting multiple people, 148 dating service messaging systems, 147-149 online flirting, 148 privacy issues, 148-149 email, 150 instant messaging, 150, 167-169 acronyms, 171 length of messages, 170 what to say, 169-170 responding to, 89 text messaging, 171-174 what to say/what not to say, 150-152 instant messaging. See IM Intelius, 272 Internet connections, 26 investigation stage of relationships, 199 invitation-only services, 259 iVillage Online Dating Board, 291 IWantU, 133
J Jailbabes, 75 JDate, 76 Jewish dating services, 76, 192-194 joining discussion group threads, 292 multiple dating services, 77-78
MEETING IN PERSON
Joint Photographic Experts Group (JPEG), 120 jokes, telling in profiles, 115 journals, 280-281 JPEG (Joint Photographic Experts Group), 120
K Katz, Even Mark, 44 Keirsey-Bates temperament test, 95 keywords, including in essays, 116 KissyKat, 224
L large-size singles, dating services for, 220 LargeandLovely.com, 220 last-minute dates, 228-229 Lavalife, 73-74, 133 LDS Singles, 189 leaving gracefully, 271 lesbian dating, 226 Liberal Hearts, 227 lighting photos, 127-128 live help features (dating services), 289 location, 57-58 long-distance relationships, 10, 241-242 challenges of small towns/rural areas, 247 dating overseas, 243 face-to-face meetings, 248-249 family/friend support, 243
frequent travelers, 246-247 keeping in touch, 242-243 relocation, 248 Russian brides, 244-245 long-term romance, 17-18 loosening up your criteria, 279 Lord, Kathryn B., 44 loudmouths, 269
M Macromedia Flash Player, 30 “mail-order bride” services. See Russian bride dating services mail. See email mailing lists, 37-38 marital status, describing in profiles, 96-97 marriage honeymoon planning, 211 identifying “the one,” 208-210 parental involvement, 214-215 religious and other differences, 215 single-parenting issues, 215 wedding planning, 210 wedding registries, 214 wedding websites, creating, 212-213 Match.com, 55, 71-72 matches (dating service) contacting, 143-144, 147 cautions, 152 dating service messaging systems, 147-149 email, 150
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instant messaging, 150, 167-171 text messaging, 171-174 what not to say, 152 what to say, 150-152 evaluating through email, 152 finding, 144-145 automatic matchmaking, 145 searching profiles, 145-147 meeting in person, 177-178 exit strategies, 183 following up on meetings, 184-185 long-distance relationships, 248-249 precautions and safety tips, 183-184 questions to ask, 182-183 time and place, choosing, 178-180 visual cues, 181-182 middle-aged daters, 235 questioning, 260-261 researching beforehand, 271-273 matchmaker agencies, 42-44 meeting in person, 165, 177-178 exit strategies, 183 following up on meetings, 184-185 long-distance relationships, 248-249 precautions and safety tips, 183-184 questions to ask, 182-183 time and place, choosing coffee shops/restaurants, 179-180 informal approach, 179
How can we make this index more useful? Email us at [email protected]
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lunch meetings, 178 patient approach, 179 visual cues, 181-182 memberships (dating services) activating, 87 free memberships, 81 trial memberships, 80-81 ménage à trois, 224-225 MensHealth.com, 290 MenWeb, 41 messaging chat rooms, 174-175 dating service messaging systems, 62, 147-149 online flirting, 148 privacy issues, 148-149 email accounts, 24 building trust through, 149 checking, 156 email counseling, 42 email flirtation, 159-165 email programs, 157 mailing lists, 37-38 sending to potential dates, 150 spell checking, 158 IM (instant messaging), 31-32, 167-169 acronyms, 171 blocking, 171 length of messages, 170 sending messages to potential dates, 150 what to say, 169-170 text messaging, 32, 171-174 Meyers-Briggs Personality Test, 95 microphones, 27
middle-aged daters, 231-232 age differences cautions, 239 dates who don’t act their age, 239 younger dates, 238 fun and adventure, 233 health issues, 234 past relationships, 233 potential dates, contacting, 235 safety and privacy, 235-236 sexual relationships, 236-237 single parenting, 234-235 support, 237 misers, 269 mobile phones, 28 multimedia equipment, 27-28 Muslim dating services, 194 myths of online dating, 52-53
N Nerve.com, 134 nesters, 19 Net2Phone, 31 netiquette. See etiquette “The New Position on Casual Sex” (article), 137 newsgroups (Usenet), 293-294 NewYorkMetro.com, 137 Nikotel, 31 no-anger-management personality types, 269 noxious fume types, 269
O office romances, 12-13 offline dating group-related events, 13 office romances, 12-13 personal ads, 14 singles bars, 13 success stories, 14, 16 older daters, 231-232 age differences cautions, 239 dates who don’t act their age, 239 younger dates, 238 fun and adventure, 233 health issues, 234 past relationships, 233 potential dates, contacting, 235 safety and privacy, 235-236 sexual relationships, 236-237 single parenting, 234-235 support, 237 Online & Long Distance Relationships, 58 online dating services. See dating services online personas, 95 online profiles. See profiles online resources. See resources optimism, 151 overcoming fears, 11-12 overseas relationships, 243-245 overweight singles, dating services for, 220
PRIVACY
P Paint Shop Pro, 33 parents, involving in weddings, 214-215 passwords, choosing, 25 patient approach to meeting in person, 179-180 peer support, 287-288 people. See matches; potential dates personal ads, 14 personal appearance, describing in profiles, 99 personal consultation services, 42-44 personality tests, 95 personality types clock-watchers, 20 nesters, 19 players, 270-271 problem personality types, 268-270 spiritual seekers, 20 trollers, 19 pet lovers, dating services for, 223-224 phone numbers, safety and privacy issues, 258 “phone talk” phase of relationships, 199 photo albums, 277-278 photo editors, 32-33 photo services, 123 photographers, hiring, 125-126 photos, 24, 117 Absolute Beginner’s Guide to Digital Photography, 27 adding to profiles, 120-122
blocking, 254-255 brightness/contrast, 129 changing, 277 cropping, 128 digital cameras, 123-125 digitizing, 123 editing, 126, 278 importance of, 118-119 JPEG (Joint Photographic Experts Group), 120 Lavalife, 73-74 lighting, 127-128 Match.com, 72 photo albums, 277-278 photo editors, 32-33 photo services, 123 photo-taking tips, 127 photographers, 125-126 restricting access to, 119 retouching, 128 scanning, 122 touching up, 204 Yahoo! Personals, 71 Photoshop Elements, 33 physical considerations describing in profiles, 99 disabilities, 221 health, 234 large-size singles, 220 sexually transmitted diseases, 221 pictures. See photos PlanetOut.com, 75 planning honeymoons, 211 weddings, 210 players, 270-271 Please Understand Me, 95 political activists, dating services for, 226-227 PositiveLove.com, 221
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potential dates contacting, 143-144, 147 cautions, 152 dating service messaging systems, 147-149 email, 150 instant messaging, 150, 167-171 text messaging, 171-174 what not to say, 152 what to say, 150-152 evaluating through email, 152 finding, 144-145 automatic matchmaking, 145 searching profiles, 145-147 meeting in person, 177-178 exit strategies, 183 following up on meetings, 184-185 long-distance relationships, 248-249 precautions and safety tips, 183-184 questions to ask, 182-183 time and place, choosing, 178-180 visual cues, 181-182 middle-aged daters, 235 questioning, 260-261 researching beforehand, 271-273 Prisonbabes, 75 privacy anonymous web browsing, 256-257 dating service messaging systems, 148-149 dating service policies, 62 email, 165
How can we make this index more useful? Email us at [email protected]
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PRIVACY
personal information, blocking contact information, 254 photos, 254-255 phone numbers, 258 screen IDs, 257 private chat rooms, 31 problem personality types, 268-270 profiles, 18-19, 59, 93-94 age, 97-98 astrology, 94-95 creating, 85 Dating Profile Creator, 102-104 deciding how much to reveal, 96-98 do’s and don’ts, 100 editing, 204, 276-277 education level, 99-100 essays, 107 anecdotes, 115 editorial help, 116 essay-writing tips, 110-112 forms, filling out, 108-110 jokes, 115 keywords, 116 learning from others’ essays, 114 length of, 115 short essays/mini-essays, 112 truthfulness and consistency, 115 “under construction” essays, 113 evaluating, 276 income, 99-100 Lavalife, 73 marital status, 96-97 Match.com, 72 online personas, 95
personal appearance, 99 personal information, blocking, 254-255 personality tests, 95 photos, 24, 117 Absolute Beginner’s Guide to Digital Photography, 27 adding to profiles, 120-122 blocking, 254-255 brightness/contrast, 129 changing, 277 cropping, 128 digital cameras, 123-125 digitizing, 123 editing, 126, 278 importance of, 118-119 JPEG (Joint Photographic Experts Group), 120 Lavalife, 73-74 lighting, 127-128 Match.com, 72 photo albums, 277-278 photo editors, 32-33 photo services, 123 photo-taking tips, 127 photographers, 125-126 restricting access to, 119 retouching, 128 scanning, 122 touching up, 204 Yahoo! Personals, 71 searching, 145-147 sexual interests, 137-138 structured, detailed approach, 59-61 surveys, filling out, 85-87 templates, 101-102 unstructured, creative approach, 61 Yahoo! Personals, 70-71 public chat rooms, 31
Q-R questioning potential dates, 260-261 QuickTime, 30 quoting email, 164 racial considerations, 194-195 realistic expectations of dating services, 88-89 recovering addicts, dating services for, 228 regional dating sites, 57 registries (wedding), 214 rejection, 197-198 dealing with, 202-204 explaining what went wrong, 201 how to say “no” early in relationships, 198-199 late in relationships, 200 making firm good-byes, 201-202 saying goodbye without explanation, 201 Relationship-Talk.com, 42 relationships, evaluating getting on the same page, 281 state-of-the-relationship talks, 282 relaxing your attitude, 279-280 religious dating services Buddhist services, 194 choosing, 188-189 Christian services, 189-192 Bible study partners, 191-192 CatholicMingle, 189
SINGLEREPUBLICAN.COM
Christian Soulmates, 291 LDS Singles, 189 Hindu services, 194 Jewish services, 192, 194 Muslim services, 194 religious values, 187 attitudes toward sex, 138 marriage and, 215 religious dating services Buddhist services, 194 choosing, 188-189 Christian services, 189-192, 291 Hindu services, 194 Jewish services, 192-194 Muslim services, 194 sharing, 188 relocation, 248 researching dating services, 58 potential dates, 271-273 resources, 35-36 dating counselors, 38-39 editing services, 39-41 email/telephone counseling, 42 essay-writing services, 44-45 free advice, 41-42 Friendster, 45-47 introduction agencies, 42-44 discussion groups, 36-37 mailing lists, 37-38 web resources, 36 responding to initial contacts, 89 restricting access to photos, 119 retouching photos, 128 reviews of dating services, 77 The Rules, 153
rural areas, 247 Russian bride dating services, 135, 244-245
S safe dating, 253 anonymous web browsing, 256-257 friend/family support, 258-259 harassment, 262 invitation-only services, 259 people to avoid, 262-263 personal information, blocking contact information, 254 photos, 254-255 phone numbers, 258 potential dates, questioning, 260-261 screen IDs, 257 senior daters, 235-236 stalking, 262 threats, 261-262 saying the wrong things, 267-268 scanning photos, 122 screen names, choosing, 82-84, 257 searching for potential dates. See finding potential dates SeattleSingles.com, 57 sending messages to potential dates. See messaging senior daters, 231-232 age differences cautions, 239 dates who don’t act their age, 239 younger dates, 238 fun and adventure, 233
307
health issues, 234 past relationships, 233 potential dates, contacting, 235 safety and privacy, 235-236 sexual relationships, 236-237 single parenting, 234-235 support, 237 Senior FriendFinder, 232 services. See dating services sexual relationships, 131-132 including in profiles, 137-138 mainstream dating services, 134 “The New Position on Casual Sex” (article), 137 religious attitudes toward, 138 senior daters, 236-237 sexually transmitted diseases, 138, 221 sexy sites, 134-135 swingers, 133-134 virtual sex games, 136 webcams, 136 sexually transmitted diseases, 138, 221 sexy sites, 134 sharing religious values, 188 short notice dates, 228-229 short-term fun, 17 Simple Message System (SMS), 32, 171-174. See also IM (instant messaging) single parenting, 234-235 SingleRepublican.com, 227
How can we make this index more useful? Email us at [email protected]
308
SINGLES BARS
singles bars, 13 small towns, 247 smiley face personality type, 269 smileys, 164 Smokefree Singles, 228 smokers, dating services for, 228 SMS (Simple Message System), 32, 171-174. See also IM (instant messaging) Sober and Single, 228 social activists, dating services for, 226-227 software chat software, 31 Dating Profile Creator, 102-104 email programs, 157 instant messaging, 31-32 photo editors, 32-33 text/SMS messaging, 32 web browser plug-ins, 30 web browsers, 29-30 Soulmatch.com, 55 sound cards, 27 speakers, 27 special interests, 222 pets, 223-224 political and social causes, 226-227 sports, 223 special needs support groups, 293 specialty dating, 56-57, 219 common backgrounds, 228 disabilities, 221 gay and lesbian dating, 226
hobbies/special interests, 222 pets, 223-224 political and social causes, 226-227 sports, 223 large-size singles, 220 sexually transmitted diseases, 221 short-notice dates, 228-229 swingers, 224-225 threesomes, 224-225 spell checking email, 158 spiritual seekers, 20 spiritual values. See religious values sports-related dating services, 223 SportsFanMatch.com, 223 stalking, 262 state-of-the-relationship talks, 282 STDs (sexually transmitted diseases), 138, 221 structured/detailed online profiles, 59-61 subscription dating services, 55-56 success stories, 14-16 Suite101.com, 41, 58 SuperWedding.com’s eZine, 213 support, 285 dating services announcement boards, 286-287 discussion boards, 286-289 live help features, 289 peer support, 287-288 professional help, 294-295
Usenet, 293-294 website discussion groups, 290-293 chat, 292 joining threads, 292 special needs support groups, 293 suggesting topics, 291 surveys, filling out, 85-87 swingers, 133-134, 224-225
T teases, 269 Teen Advice Online’s Dating page, 36 telephone counseling, 42 templates, 101-102 Tessina, Tina, 295 text messaging, 32, 171-174. See also IM (instant messaging) TextandMeet.co.uk, 32 TheKnot.com, 212 therapists, 294 TheRomantic.com, 242 “third age” daters, 231-232 age differences cautions, 239 dates who don’t act their age, 239 younger dates, 238 fun and adventure, 233 health issues, 234 past relationships, 233 potential dates, contacting, 235 safety and privacy, 235-236 sexual relationships, 236-237 single parenting, 234-235 support, 237
YOUNGER DATES
threats, 261-262 threesomes, 224-225 time, choosing for in-person meetings coffee shops/restaurants, 179-180 informal approach, 179 lunch meetings, 178 patient approach, 179 top 10 dating services, 69 touching up photos, 204 travel dating advice for frequent travelers, 246-247 travel dilemmas, 248 travel sites, 211 trial memberships, 80-81 Tribe.net, 42 trollers, 19 trolling for matches, 144-145 automatic matchmaking, 145 searching profiles, 145-147 True.com, 55 trust, building through email, 149 turn-offs, avoiding, 162-163 turning someone down, 197-198 explaining what went wrong, 201 how to say “no” early in relationships, 198-199 late in relationships, 200 making firm good-byes, 201-202 saying goodbye without explanation, 201 txt’ing (text messaging), 32, 171-174. See also IM (instant messaging)
U-V “under construction” essays, 113 unlisted phone numbers, 258 unstructured/creative online profiles, 61 Usenet, 293-294 Valenti International, 44 Valenti, Irene, 44 virtual sex games, 136 visual cues, 181-182 voice chat rooms, 31
W-Z Warren, Dr. Neil Clark, 58, 87 web browsers, 29-30 webcams, 28, 136 websites. See also dating services; names of specific websites anonymous web browsing, 256-257 discussion groups, 290-293 chat, 292 joining threads, 292 special needs support groups, 293 suggesting topics, 291 weddings parental involvement, 214-215 personalization, 210 planning online, 210 religious and other differences, 215 single-parenting issues, 215
309
wedding registries, 214 wedding websites, creating, 212-213 workplace romances, 12-13 writing essays, 107 anecdotes, 115 editorial help, 116 essay-writing services, 44-45 essay-writing tips, 110-112 forms, filling out, 108-110 jokes, 115 keywords, 116 learning from others’ essays, 114 length of, 115 short essays/mini-essays, 112 truthfulness and consistency, 115 “under construction” essays, 113 WWWomen.com, 291 Yahoo! Chat, 31 Yahoo! Groups, 291 Yahoo! Personals, 54, 69-71 younger dates, 238
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